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CONTENTS Introduction. Welcome to the Last Dating System You’ll Ever Need . . . . . 5 Chapter 1. Mastering Sexual Tension . . . . . . . . . . . 8 Chapter 2. On Female Desire and Love . . . . . . . . . .16 Chapter 3. Chase Triggers . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .25 Chapter 4. Confidence Secrets . . . . . . . . . . . . .41 Chapter 5. The Five Pillars of the Elixir of Eros . . . . . . . .59 Chapter 6. The Elixir of Eros Phase I: Curiosity . . . . . . .75 Chapter 7. The Elixir of Eros Phase II: Infatuation. . . . . . 104 Chapter 8. The Elixir of Eros Phase III: Connection . . . . . 131 Chapter 9. The Elixir of Eros Phase IV: Desire . . . . . . . 160 Chapter 10. The Elixir of Eros Phase V: Devotion . . . . . . 186 Conclusion . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 213 Page 4 Page 5 5
INTRODUCTION Welcome to the Last Dating System You’ll
Although we’ve never met, I already know a few things about you. I know that you’re not satisfied with your dating life. You want more. You want an easier, less-stressful way to make women want you. You want her to think of you sexually, not as “just a friend.” And you don’t want to wait around for results. You want them fast. With this book, I’m about to hand you the keys to the most potent erotic force known to man. When you master it, you’ll have the power to make almost any woman desperately want to be with you. What is this force I speak of? It’s none other than the Elixir of Eros. Now, this is not a literal elixir like you’ll read about in mythology or in the backs of magazines. This is not the same old sham of “pheromone cologne” or “Spanish Fly.” This is something that exists within you—the potential to make even the hottest women fall to their knees at the sight of your inner Eros. Eros is the Greek god of love. When we say someone is being “erotic,” that’s what we’re talking about. As the ancient Greeks understood, ideas of eroticism, sex, and love are all closely intertwined. That’s all well and good, but we’ve come a long way since ancient Greece. Due to recent advances in psychology, science, human sexology, and the tireless work of social hackers like me, we now have a formula of behavior that is the closest thing in existence to straight- up turning you into the embodiment of Eros like in those old myths. This is how you make her want you, and want you bad. The Elixir of Eros System works by laser focusing on the two most powerful erotic emotions known to mankind: desire and love. As Dr. Larry Young, author of The Chemistry Between Us puts it, “The combination of erotic desire and the love it leads to may be the most powerful force on earth.” Page 6 6 What you are holding right now is the step-by-step blueprint for making a girl feel that force. Follow it, and you’ll know exactly how to make her not just like you…she’ll become completely addicted to you.
Use the Force, Eros Sexual tension is the “fuel” behind the Elixir of Eros. It’s the hidden force that gives this system it’s power. Thus, to master the Elixir of Eros, you must master sexual tension. So what exactly is sexual tension? For our purposes, we’ll define it as the mixture of sexual excitement and fear when a man or woman talks to a potential mate. It’s that hair-raising push-pull between fear and excitement, before the floodgates break and one of them takes over in a thrilling rush.
For you, as a man, it’s the primal sexual excitement you feel about the possibility of ripping off all her clothes, locking legs, and swapping meat gravy—balanced by the agonizing fear of rejection and everything that comes with it—a bruised ego, being viewed as a “loser,” getting blue balls, etc. For her, as a woman, it’s the primal excitement she feels for any man capable of bringing her sexual pleasure and allowing her to reproduce. And it’s balanced by the fear of being impregnated by the wrong man, getting ill or physically hurt, being viewed as a “slut,” or any number of other potential negative consequences. It’s important to realize that every straight girl you talk to or make eye contact with feels some level of sexual tension with you. Every. Single. Girl. She feels some excitement and some fear. And with the tools in this system, you can consistently help sexual excitement win out more often than not. Page 7 7 If you don’t think that’s possible, let’s do a quick experiment. Let’s think about a case in which sexual excitement is almost sure to win out. Think about a special girl you know—someone for whom you’d give anything to be with right now, but who may not feel the same way about you yet. Got her in mind? Good. I want you to imagine what would happen if you were the last two people on earth. Everyone else has died in the nuclear apocalypse. It’s down to you and her. Two adults, each with strong sexual needs. And the fate of humanity hangs in the balance. How would you like your chances then? It wouldn’t matter if you were a “perfect match.” She wouldn’t complain about your weight, your (non-existent) bank account, or your confidence level. There is no competition, no better choice. You own the dating market. You are, by default, the best mate for her, and because of that natural underlying sexual tension between you two, you will almost certainly bang like rabbits. Even if she was repulsed by you at first, her natural, biological needs would overcome that fear and reluctance. There is always sexual tension between a man and a woman who are capable of mating and reproducing. And with the right tools, you can foster that sexual tension and help it grow until it becomes a powerful frenzy of lust and desire. One that, when manipulated just right, can all but guarantee that she’s going to not just fall backward for you, but fall hard for you. Sounds good? Let’s get started.
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CHAPTER 1 Mastering Sexual Tension
“Change the way you look at things, and the things you look at change.” ~ Wayne W. Dyer
Creeper or Friend Zone? When I was still a rookie at this, a friend of mine told me that getting girls was all a numbers game—I just had to make my intentions clear to as many women out as possible, and eventually I’d hit punani pay dirt. So I did. Now, I was a little shy and really insecure about myself, but I still forced myself to approach women. Whenever I was in that moment, I’d psych myself up by thinking about famous ladies’ men in TV and movies, how they’d just sidle up to a lady, say a few choice words, and BAM! They’d be on their way out the door and into the back seat of their muscle car. Snap back to me, in the club, walking up to a woman way prettier than me. My hands clenching tissue in my pockets to absorb the sweat, I’d stop next to her, lean up against the wall (I only approached women next to walls for this reason), and try to hold my voice steady as I said something stupidly fake like, “Hey, sweet cheeks. You are so fucking hot. Can I buy you a drink?” That never got me laid, but it did get me slapped a few times. And if she already had a drink, it usually ended up in my face. Needless to say, I don’t recommend that approach. Page 9 9 Now, what was I doing wrong, other than, well, everything? My main problem there was I was being way too aggressive, and it made these women view me as a complete creep. Then, after another friend recommended this book, The Game, by Neil Strauss, I started using the method he recommended—“opinion openers.” This is where you start a conversation by asking a woman’s opinion on something and pretending like you’re not hitting on her. For example, I would walk up to a woman and say, “Hey! Can I get your opinion? Who lies more, women or men?” This caused women to open up and actually have a conversation with me. Success! Except nine times out of ten, she’d see me as too “innocent” and “safe,” and I’d end up straight in the friend zone, which is arguably worse than being flat-out rejected.
This was all pretty discouraging. If I was too aggressive, she’d see me as a total creep. But if I didn’t make my intentions clear, she’d see me as her innocent friend. There had to be a sweet spot, something between these two extremes, right? Well, the good news is that there is. And in order find it, you must understand the power of sexual tension.
Why She’s Afraid of Sex The word “tension” is so appropriate, because especially for women, sex is a double-edged sword. Most women love sex, but for them, it’s much more risky than it is for us (which is probably why they won’t just jump into bed if you flat-out ask). Sexual tension is confusing for women. On one hand, if a woman has sex with you, a lot of great things can happen. She can come (if you’re any good at it)—which feels awesome and is literally the same chemical head rush as some drugs. And likewise, it’s addictive, but it’s Page 10 10 also healthy. In fact, having regular orgasms can boost your immune system. So keep that in mind next time you’re playing “doctor.” Even better, sex often also leads to love, which is even more addictive. If you’ve ever been in love, I don’t need to explain that “walking on air” feeling. It’s unlike anything else in the human experience. But when she chooses to have sex with you, she also takes some serious risks. The first big one is pregnancy. Raising a baby is a LOT of work. Like, eighteen years of work. And if the wrong guy puts a baby in her, and she’s left to raise that child all on her own with no help…well, a couple hundred years ago that meant that both her and that baby would likely die. It’s not quite that drastic these days, but it’s still pretty hard—and likely to set her back about a quarter of a million dollars. The next big risk is sexually transmitted diseases. It’s true—women are more likely to contract almost every major STD. Herpes. HPV. Chlamydia. The rates of infection are all higher in women. That’s just a matter of biology—lady bits are more susceptible to STDs. To make matters worse, the consequences of getting an STD are often much more severe in women than men. If a woman gets an STD, she’s at risk of permanent damage that leaves her unable to have children. If a guy gets an STD, the worst he’ll often get is a few nasty blisters, maybe some dick cheese—nothing to keep you from having kids if that’s what you want in life. Women’s next big “sexual risk” is cheating and abandonment. Men are more likely to seek out casual encounters than women. It’s a fact. And because of this, we cheat more. We’re more likely to tell a woman we have feelings for her, only to leave her after we get what we want.
Her brain is wired to be skeptical of you for this very reason. And lastly, she’s afraid that you’ll rape her or physically harm her. Men, in general, are much larger and stronger than women, which is another reality that is hardwired into the back of her consciousness. It wasn’t that long ago—about 200,000 years or so—when, if you wanted to get laid, you’d find a woman, hit her over the head with a rock, and drag her back to your cave (early humans weren’t all that good at conversation). Even though our manners have evolved since then, our Page 11 11 brains haven’t all that much, so it should be no surprise that women have a tendency to want to “keep their guard up.” Again, terrifying. And again, this is why we’re calling it sexual tension. It’s tense. There’s a good side and a bad side to it. All in all, the whirlwind of desire, lust, and fear that makes up sexual tension leaves us with a very complicated emotion. It can make a woman feel excited and terrified at the same time. Every woman deals with those mixed emotions differently, and as a result, has her own slightly different dating strategy. This is why we need both a robust understanding of female sexual tension and a dating strategy that is flexible enough to adapt to each woman’s individual flavor of it. With those in place, through the Elixir of Eros System, you’re nearly unstoppable.
The Ethical Mack Sexual tension is a powerful energy. And like any force of nature, it can be used for good or evil. It can be used to spark eternal love or to crush a woman’s heart. Let’s be clear—this book is all about using your superpowers for good. Let’s be the heroes of the bedroom, not the villains. As we move forward, I ask that you pledge to use the Elixir of Eros to add as many positive emotions as you can to a woman’s life. And if you do leave a woman, leave her better than you found her. Do this, and you will be able to have the woman of your dreams (and as many women as you want along the way) with a full heart. You’ll be able to enjoy all the love and light she brings into your life from a place of honesty and happiness. Your connection with her will be deeper, stronger, and more genuine. Page 12 12 The more I’ve used the Elixir of Eros, the more it’s strengthened my belief in karma. What goes around comes around—if you know what I mean.
Why Are Women So Confusing? Now, more than ever, attractive women have countless sexual options. She gets bombarded with them every day. That guy who is “a little too nice” to her at work. The slick dude at the bar with a million pickup lines. The guy who messages her on social media or the latest dating app. She knows that, once she gives them the green light, any one of these hot rods would happily burn some rubber. But remember, the consequences of her sleeping with the wrong man can be catastrophic. So she has to learn how to weed out the potential creeps, rapists, and serial killers…and she has to be able to do this quickly. So if you meet a woman for the first time, and she feels that first inkling of sexual tension, often times her first instinct will be to resist. After she meets you, and she senses that you may be interested in her, she’s usually going to do a few things: • Try to “feel you out” • Put up barriers • Test you She does this because she wants to see if you’re the type of guy she feels safe and happy around. Makes sense, right? You can’t exactly blame her. She has good reason to want to evaluate us. Yet there’s a big, big problem with all of this. Her “rating system” for men is flawed. Big time. And it’s all evolution’s fault. Page 13 13 Evolution is a slow, slow process. Our dating brains are wired for a way of life that existed hundreds of thousands of years ago. It’s basic psychology. The female brain did not evolve to meet men at bars or coffee shops or Tinder. It evolved to help her survive and reproduce in a small tribe of people. To avoid the men who would hurt her chances of survival. To provide her children with the best genes to survive in a savage environment. And to look for a guy who could provide her the safety and security that those times demanded. Boy have things changed. Nowadays, she’s not at risk of a lion running her family down, or a jealous partner bashing her head in because she talked (well, grunted seductively) to another guy. And she’s not really at risk of not being able to find a meal at the end of the day. But again, her mind doesn’t know the difference. It operates the same way it did before we became civilized. In many ways, she’s just not looking for a man who will provide her a happy life today. So her mind uses mental “shortcuts” to judge you, shortcuts than can be manipulated by the savvy guy. So if you’ve ever been confused by a woman’s dating strategy… If you’ve ever felt that women don’t make sense…
Or if you’ve ever really liked a girl, only to have her stop responding to you, leaving you to wonder what went wrong… Then it’s OK. Well, it sucks, but it’s not entirely your fault. She’s not wired to make that kind of good decision in today’s world. That means it’s not her fault either. She can’t help that her mind is how it is, so don’t resent her for it. And to be frank, when you dig beneath the surface, she doesn’t even know what she wants. Society has conditioned her to believe she wants a nice guy that always bends over backwards for her—her own personal Prince Charming. But what really turns her on is often very different. I’m going to teach you the difference between what a woman thinks she wants, and what she really wants on a deeper, evolutionary level. Some of it might make you uncomfortable, but it’s all for a good cause…and it’ll help you take her from the stone age to the bone age. But in order to do that, we need to erase one idea from your mind— the idea that whether you’re “logically” good for her matters. Page 14 14 I know, I know. Hear me out. You could be PERFECT for her on paper. You could treat her like a princess. You could know without a shadow of a doubt that you’re the right guy for her. But none of that matters. Why? Because desire and love aren’t logical processes for her. They are emotional processes. So you must accept the fact that how she evaluates men makes very little logical sense. It’s flawed. It’s irrational. It’s unpredictable. And sometimes, yeah, it makes me want to pull my damn hair out. I wish her “rating system” was more logical. That it rewarded good guys. That it rewarded hard work. That a man’s overall score was somehow based on how well he treated her. But it doesn’t work that way. And from this day forward, you’re going to focus on what she really wants. So you can get what you really want: high-quality women in your life.
Loosen Your Grip The Elixir of Eros secret took me eleven years of tireless work and testing to discover. I’ve taught it to some lucky apprentices, and now, for the first time ever, I’ve distilled it into a step-by-step, practical procedure that ANY guy can use to make a woman desire and love you… even if you’re not normally her type. Will this happen EVERY time with EVERY woman? Of course not. There is no system that will do that, so again, beware of swindlers who offer you some magic cologne and make that promise. The very nature of sexual tension isn’t concrete enough for something like that to work. Sexual tension is unpredictable and fluid, and just accepting the fact that you’ll never be able to have “complete control” over a woman will end up gaining you more power and con-
trol than you’ve ever had before. Here’s an example. When a girl you like behaves unpredictably, she will expect you to flinch and react and do something that ends up killPage 15 15 ing her feelings toward you. And that’s understandable because that’s what every other guy she’s ever met does. But instead, you just lean back and smile because you know how fluid sexual tension can be, that it cannot be controlled, only contained. It takes guts at first, but once you get the hang of it, it’s a real game-changer. Then, with the ball in your court, you simply follow the Elixir of Eros System step by step and act in a way that makes her fall hard for you. Where lesser men wilt or panic, you will be unfazed. You will make the right move, and you will give yourself the highest possible chance of making her yours. When you master this system, you will notice more and more women actually start to chase you. And when you like a girl, you’ll have the tools you need to win her heart the vast majority of the time. Simply put, mastering this system is the most certain way to get a girl attracted to you, to get her to have sex with you, and to ultimately make her your devoted girlfriend.
Think on This As we move forward into the more intricate concepts, keep an open mind, and be willing to put in the work. If you don’t get something on the first go, that’s fine. You own this book, so you can go back and reread it as you need. I recommend it, actually. This is a complex system, so with every read-through, you’re bound to pick up something new that will up your game. And when you finally have the girl of your dreams naked, in bed, her body pressed against yours, whispering pure love into your ear, you will thank yourself for sticking with it. Page 16 16
CHAPTER 2 On Female Desire and Love
“Ultimately, it is the desire, not the desired, that we love.” ~ Nietzsche
The L Word Now, before you go all “Master of Attraction” on me, I want to make one thing clear. The concept of “attraction” is dead in the water. That’s
right. NEVER try to “get attraction” from a girl. I realize that this spits in the face of 99% of conventional dating advice, and that’s OK. I’m about to drop some science on you and share what you should be doing instead. Now, the first year I really committed to improving my dating life, I was an attraction machine. I would go out, meet women, and say things that would make them laugh and talk to me for hours on end. And that was great. It was certainly better than before, when hot women didn’t even know I existed. But it also made me want to scream in frustration. You see, attraction is fleeting. One second you have it, and the next… POOF! It’s gone. It happened time and time again. I’d talk to a beautiful girl, do everything right, and WHAM! At the end of the night, she would run off with another guy. Or she’d give me her number and then run off with her girlfriends and never text me back. Page 17 17 Every once in a while I’d get lucky, and a girl would come home with me. Or even go on a few dates with me. But even when that happened, she rarely stuck around for long. I was baffled. Why were they so attracted to me one minute, and then the next minute, they’d act like I didn’t exist? What was I doing wrong? It turns out, I wasn’t setting the right goal. These days I don’t give a damn if I can “entice” or “allure” a girl into liking me. In fact, I could give a damn about her “liking” me at all. Because now, when I’m talking to a girl I’m really into, I laser focus on an emotion that’s much, much more powerful, an emotion that lasts much longer than “attraction.” Love. That’s right, guys, the L-word. And when I switched my mindset from “I’m trying to attract her” to “I’m trying to make her fall headover-heels in love with me,” my results changed drastically. I immediately locked myself in the lab and got all mad-science-y studying exactly what it is that makes a woman fall in love with a man. And then, whenever I met someone new, I only did and said those things that were scientifically proven to induce that emotion in her. Nothing else. Every move I made, every word I said (or didn’t say) was with the goal of making her fall in love with me. Did every girl immediately fall for me after I made this shift in mindset? Of course not. But some sure as hell did. Some even became obsessed with me. And a LOT more of them were willing to give up the goods. There’s an old saying in gun shooting: “Aim small, miss small.” Now, that’s not a comment on the size of your gun, but rather the size of your
target. The more specific the target that you aim for, the more likely you’re going to hit something. If you’re shooting at a bird, aim for its eye. If you miss, it’s not the end of the world. You’re still likely to hit something that counts. It’s the same with women. If you aim to make her fall in love with you, it probably won’t happen every time, but more and more women will become naturally attracted to you. More and more will want to Page 18 18 date you. And yes, more of them will actually end up falling in love with you. So let’s throw the concept of “attraction” out the window once and for all, OK? If you want to play silly pick-up games and entertain women, you might as well close this book and open up that porno you’re going to resort to when you’re all alone at night. But if you want to make women feel emotions even more powerful than attraction, that will make women obsessed with you, then keep reading.
Think Outside the Box An important part of this mind-shift is to look beyond sex as the goal. That’s right. In fact, making her want to hump you silly is only the first step toward making her fall in love with you. Remember how important—and prevalent—sexual tension is? That’s because erotic desire is a necessary ingredient for love. Remember Dr. Larry Young and The Chemistry Between Us: “The combination of erotic desire and the love it leads to may be the most powerful force on earth.” That’s right. The most powerful force on earth. The entire Trojan War was because Helen of Troy had “the face that launched a thousand ships.” And anyone who has truly been in love has felt that kind of pull where nothing else in the entire world matters. According to Dr. Young (and my extensive experience), erotic desire leads to love, not the other way around. A woman will almost never fall in love with you unless she feels that basic, physical desire for you first. That’s why there’s an entire phase of the Elixir of Eros that focuses on desire, and it’s why that section in the book comes before the Devotion Phase, which shows you how to make her fall in love with you. It’s a process. Page 19 19 The way that sexual desire works in a woman’s brain is very different than in a man’s brain. Men are like a light switch. If you turn us on, we’re ready to go. That’s why Viagra works so well. It flips us on, and
we’re ready to tap some ass. But even though researchers have poured BILLIONS of dollars into finding a “female” version of the drug, they’ve had almost no luck. Why do you think that is? Well, here’s a clue: the closest they’ve come to a pill that turns a woman on is an anti-depressant. You see, men get aroused physically. It’s why when you see a pair of tits, you want them in your hands. And it’s why when you pop a Viagra, you’re ready to rump. But women get aroused mentally. A woman’s mind is her most powerful sexual organ. Don’t forget that. And if you can get the mental part of her arousal down, the physical part will take care of itself.
The Love Addiction You probably have a lot of preconceived notions about what love should be. Ever since you were little you read books and saw movies about two characters falling in love. You know, the ones that end up with the happy couple holding hands and walking off into the sunset, the promise of them living happily ever after. And you know what? It’s all bullshit. You were lied to! What works in those movies is not what really leads to love. It just makes for a good story. So get those romanticized emotions out of your head because the truth about love is much more stunning: Love is an addiction. This isn’t a metaphor. Love isn’t “like” an addiction. It quite literally is an addiction. Dr. Young, in his research, determined that “love has the same hold on us, using the same brain chemicals, as addictive Page 20 20 drugs.” When we fall in love, we activate the exact same brain circuitry that we activate by using drugs. Even George Koob, Chairman of the Committee on Neurobiology of Addictive Disorders at the Scripps Institute, says, “Drug addiction and love are absolutely parallel.” Again, love isn’t like an addiction. It is an addiction. Think about your own experiences. If you’ve been dumped, you’ve probably felt some withdrawal symptoms from having that love severed. You became depressed, irritable, lethargic. And you wanted nothing more in the world than a fix from your addiction: your love. Don’t get me wrong, this is GREAT news for your dating life. Because while love is a mysterious and often romanticized emotion, addiction is a predictable, scientifically studied process. And just like someone could get a woman addicted to heroin by sneaking doses of it into her meals every day, you can get her addicted to YOU by sneaking little doses of the Elixir of Eros into your conversations with her.
The Erotic Equation During my research, I studied dozens of what I call “addiction masterpieces.” These are stories that women all around the world have become addicted to. I’m talking about movies like The Notebook, books like Fifty Shades Of Grey, fan fiction for books like Twilight, hell, even stories as old as Cinderella. I spent years going over these every day. I analyzed what made them so addictive to women, and from them I created real-world techniques to make a girl fall head-over-heels in love with you. One particular kind of addiction masterpiece really caught my eye: the romance novel. You see, romance novels are, by far, the most popular books that women read. There are more women who buy romance novels every Page 21 21 year than men who buy porn. And these books are trashy, too. They’re filled with sex…and dirty, naughty, kinky sex at that. I read these books cover to cover, searching for a common “blueprint” to what makes a woman addicted to a man. And with the help of the world’s foremost experts on romance novels and sexual attraction, Dr. Ogi Ogas and Dr. Saj Gaddam, I found it. These two doctors wrote a groundbreaking book on female desire called A Billion Wicked Thoughts. It’s required reading for every one of my students. In it, I read a quote that changed my life forever: “The core of a romance novel’s plot is a love story in the course of which the heroine overcomes obstacles to identify, win the heart of, and ultimately marry the one man who is right for her.” That sort of pathway is true for every popular romance novel. It wasn’t the first time I’d encountered the idea that “overcoming obstacles” may be a key part of the female process of falling in love. My research had also led me to an obscure book written in 1996 by a legendary sex therapist, the late Dr. Jack Morin. In his book, The Erotic Mind, he explored the nature of sex, love, and desire…and the theme of “obstacles” came up over and over again. Dr. Morin ultimately discovered what he called “The Erotic Equation,” which was his “formula” for intense sexual arousal: ATTRACTION + OBSTACLES = EXCITEMENT Dr. Morin writes, “The Erotic Equation tells us that we will have a far stronger response to our attractions if they are made more difficult, challenging, or uncertain by having one or more obstacles to overcome.” And he’s right. Think about it: let’s say you meet a girl who is an “eight out of ten.” Are you more likely to fall for her if she teases you a bit and makes you
chase her for five dates before finally giving you a slice of pie, or are you more likely to fall for her if she puts out on the first night? And are you more likely to fall for her if she makes you wait three months before agreeing to be your girlfriend, or if she tells you she loves you on the first date? Page 22 22 I’m guessing you’d value her more if she’s a bit “hard to get.” Hell, you might even want to run away if she were to profess her love only moments after you’ve met. Women are the same way. They NEED a challenge. They NEED obstacles before they can become attracted to you, let alone fall in love. When I read that quote, it hit me like a brick to the head. It was so obvious. I was making myself far too available to women. I was easy. My actions, words, and body language made it immediately clear, like I walking into the club shouting, “I am available, and I want to have sex with you and be your boyfriend if you’re ever up for it!” Yikes. I was spending all of my time chasing women when really I should have been figuring out a way to make women chase me. As I did more research, it became even clearer that women need obstacles in order to fall in love. Take “The Romeo and Juliet Effect,” for example. The more a couple’s parents disapprove of a relationship, the more in love that couple will be. Their relationship becomes stronger because they had an outside obstacle trying to keep them apart. If you’ve ever had a “forbidden” love—someone your parents, friends, or society didn’t approve of—you’ve probably felt this effect firsthand. You know how powerful obstacles can be. As I dug deeper, I discovered what psychologists call “effort justification.” This is “people’s tendency to attribute a greater value to things they had to put effort into acquiring or achieving.” It’s why frats and the military run you through intense initiation rituals before you can join their ranks. You value that brotherhood more because it was hard to get. Women know this, and it’s why they often play hard to get as a dating strategy. Most of the time, you’ll value the hard-fought girl much more than the easy one. Here’s where the real magic happens: if you can get a girl putting in effort to win you over, she will naturally justify to herself that she likes you…even if she’s not all that “attracted” to you at first. Let’s say you’re out at the bar with your friends. You meet a striking young dame, Diana. Things are going well. There’s no intense spark of Page 23 23
attraction right away, but the conversation is going OK, and you really want to show her a picture of your dog. You hand her your drink and say, “Hey, hold this for a minute.” Then you dig around in your pocket, pull out your phone, show her the picture, then grab the drink and say, “Thanks.” The truth is, you pretty much forced her to hold that drink for you. It would have been socially awkward for her to say no. But that’s not important to her mind. The fact of the matter is, she did a favor for you. And she’s no “favor whore.” She doesn’t just go around looking to act like some cup holder. So she begins to backwards rationalize in her mind that, because she did a favor for you, she must actually like you. You begin to notice her getting more and more receptive to you. Her body language opens up. She smiles. She laughs at more of your jokes (even the not-so-funny ones). When you know how to make a woman chase you—even if she doesn’t know why she’s doing it—she’s going to start falling for you. Until recently, no one really knew the secret triggers that make a woman give chase. But due to advances in psychology, and the thousands of hours of work in the field by social hackers like me, there are now a number of techniques at your disposal that can help you achieve this result and win over even the women who you’ve long considered to be “out of your league.”
Think on This We’ll get deep into the techniques soon enough, but for now, I want you to keep in mind that the GOAL of your interactions is to get her working for you. The more you can achieve this, the more she will tell herself she likes you. It’s like a snowball effect. Her feelings for you grow more and more as she works for you more and more. Page 24 24 She starts by complying with your small requests. Then she starts to convince herself she likes you. Then she starts to chase you a little bit. Then you start to throw up obstacles, little barriers that make you a bit of a challenge. These obstacles make her want to chase you even more. They are the lifeblood of the Elixir of Eros. And done right, they make her fall in love. Page 25 25
CHAPTER 3 Chase Triggers
“What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly.” ~ Thomas Paine I don’t want you to think that I’m saying the countless other dating guides out there are 100% wrong. There’s often something to that “one weird trick” they always offer. It’s just that sexual tension is too complex for just one trick. For example, there really are certain personality traits that make a woman think, This guy is a catch. That part is true. But you have to know how to use those traits, how to interpret the reactions, and the techniques to then implement in order to set yourself on the correct path to the results you want. When used as part of the Elixir of Eros System, these traits trigger her to not just like you, but to actively pursue you.
The Gentleman’s Club Early on, when I’d started hitting the clubs, I saw an ad with a hot woman swooning for a suave-looking man that said, “Be her gentleman.” To be honest, I don’t remember if it was selling cologne or cigarettes or dick pills, but I decided then and there that I was going to win Page 26 26 over the woman of my dreams by being the nice guy. I’d be super polite and considerate, and she’d just fall into my arms right away, like in old movies. So that weekend, I saw this amazing blonde chatting with her girlfriends over by the bar. I walked up and stood next to her. “Excuse me, miss?” Nothing. Thinking she didn’t hear me, I leaned in. “Excuse me. Beg your pardon. My name is Michael. What’s yours?” Still laughing at what her friend said, she cocked her head just a bit and glanced at me. I smiled. She cringed. She turned back and kept talking to her friends. I sulked off to the bar, and while I was waiting for my drink, I looked back over just in time to see her leave her group to go talk up a guy who was being loud and boisterous with his own friends. This guy let her talk to him, but he didn’t seem to care whether or not she left with him at the end of the night. Spoiler alert: she did. What was I doing wrong? What did he have that I didn’t?
Crazy Sexy Confidence No matter what some women may have told you, the old saying, “Chicks dig assholes,” actually isn’t that far from the truth. Look at David DeAngelo’s famous book, Double Your Dating, which was, when it came out, the best book of men’s dating advice available. Its message
boiled down to this: Act “cocky” and “funny” around a girl, and she’ll become attracted to you. Page 27 27 Simple, right? DeAngelo believed that brash humor was the secret to making any woman want a man. And he wasn’t too far off the mark. When done right, a “cocky/funny” attitude can be incredibly effective. You tease her a bit, but you do it in a playful, disarming way so that she doesn’t get offended. The problem was, like a lot of guys, when I first read that book, I then took the “cocky” part way too far. Because I wasn’t yet successful with women, I was incredibly insecure. And with this new tool, all it did was make me an insecure asshole. Needless to say, my results did not improve much. And I learned that “chicks dig assholes” is not true. Again, it isn’t far from the truth… but it’s still untrue. You see, when you act cocky from a place of insecurity, you seem like you’re overcompensating for something. You are not truly confident. You’re putting on an act. And any girl with a shred of common sense will see right through it. The right way to act cocky, is to follow this rule: When you’re talking to a woman you like, always assume she wants you back. Always interpret anything she says or does to mean “She’s just trying to win me over.” She touches you? She’s trying to get you hot and bothered. That dirty girl. She teases you? That flirtatious little devil. She should probably make it less obvious she wants you that badly. She’s not texting you? She’s probably playing hard to get. That little rascal. She walks away to talk to her friends? She’s just trying to be aloof and make you work for her. You don’t need to overtly say these things to her. It’s a mindset. Instead of calling her out, try giving a knowing giggle or smile. She’ll pick up on it. Does this give you free reign to make a move and be a creep because “She totally wants me?” Absolutely not. I don’t want any of you guys sexually harassing women and saying, “Mike Wright told me to do it!” Instead, just assume she wants you every step of the way. When you catch yourself thinking “Oh god, why did she just say that? Maybe she doesn’t like me.” STOP. And try to think of a reason she might being doing that because she likes you. When you’ve got that reason in your Page 28 28 head, assume that that’s why she took that action. Over time, this will train you to think like a man who always assumes the best.
But isn’t that just lying to ourselves? Are we being delusional? No, not really. Here’s the thing: most guys who aren’t getting the type of girls they want tend to think the opposite. Through repeated failure, they’ve conditioned themselves to assume the worst and read almost every sign as “Oh no! She probably doesn’t like me if she’s acting that way.” Then they either give up or do something stupid to try to “win her affection back.” Sound familiar? The good news is, when you interpret her reaction as being negative, often times the reality is just the opposite. All you have to do is change your perception. And the best part is, the stronger you believe that she wants you, the more she will start to believe it, too. This is called “Frame Control,” and it’s an important part of the Elixir of Eros. The most successful ladies’ men in the world never get caught up wondering where things stand between them and their desired woman. And they almost never seek confirmation from a woman that she likes him. This may go against your instincts, but in the long run, it’ll help you get the one that you’re after.
Keep Your Cool Most of the guys I’ve helped came to me wanting more control of their dating lives. So what is the secret to feeling in control of any social interaction, whether it a conversation or a relationship? If you think the answer is to be domineering…BZZZT! You’ve guessed wrong. The one who has the most control over any interaction is the one who cares the least about it. Follow me on this. Being in control of an interaction starts with being in control of yourself. Do not let the small things bother you, Page 29 29 because the second she feels like she’s thrown you for a loop, that she’s “fazed” you…you’re dead in the water. The less emotionally reactive you are to her, the less she “gets under your skin,” the more control you have. What if you make plans with a girl, and she cancels at the last minute? Should you scold her or tell her how rude she is? NO! That would be giving up your control to her on a silver platter. Even if you absolutely hate it when women do that, just send her a text like, “No worries, maybe some other time :)” What if she teases you about that mole on your cheek that you’re insanely insecure about? Should you blush and tell her not to make fun of you? NO! Instead laugh it off, and maybe even make a self-deprecating joke. Show her that you can roll with the punches. What if another guy has the nerve to bump into you when you’re
talking to her, and spills your drink? Should you yell at him or tell him to step outside? NO! Just shrug it off, and say “shit happens!” Anytime you react to a situation emotionally, you lose control. And that is the last thing you want to do in front of a woman. I know I’m going to catch some flak from the feminists from this one. But it’s truth: In general, women are much more emotional creatures than men. A woman’s emotions are like waves, and her ideal man is the rock that keeps her steady. When she sees that you are a man who stays calm through the storm, she will instantly be attracted to that. She will recognize that none of her little “games” or “tests” have much of an effect on you and that she can’t use her emotions to manipulate you. She will recognize that you deal with life’s problems in a calm, focused way. And that makes you damn effective, because most of all, she will recognize that when she goes through her natural emotional ups and downs, you have the ability to be the calming force that she needs. Women want to hang out with a man who is easy to be around. If they wanted more drama, they would go back to their girlfriends. So always be nonchalant and unfazed when she throws a test your way. Be emotionally unreactive. The less you react, the more power you’ll have. Page 30 30
The Challenge Cha-Cha People don’t appreciate what comes to them too easily, and there’s a mountain of evidence that a woman has to overcome obstacles in order to fall in love with a man. In short, if you want a woman to love you, you have to become a challenge. So how exactly is a man supposed to be a challenge, especially when your entire life you were taught that it’s the man’s job to take the lead and make a move on a woman? Whenever a client asks me this, I’m reminded of being asked whether I like blondes or brunettes. The answer to that question is, of course, “Yes.” Those two options aren’t mutually exclusive. And you can be a challenge while still being assertive. I’ll show you how. Here’s a little principle I like to call “two steps forward, one step back.” You can and should take the lead when you’re interacting with a woman. But you shouldn’t just plow forward in your interaction, escalating things relentlessly. No. This is a dance. And if you keep stepping on her toes, she won’t have the chance to be impressed by your moves. Instead of pursuing with brute force, use subtle takeaways to keep her guessing. Keep her on her toes. Move the interaction forward with your charm, humor, and interesting questions about her, and then BOOM! Give her a take-
away. What do I mean by a takeaway? Basically anything that makes her wonder, “Does he like me?” or makes her think, “Wow…I haven’t won this guy over yet.” Maybe she tells you, “I went to Ohio State!” And you respond, “Oh no! That’s a deal breaker. I went to Michigan. Ohio State girls are bad news.” Maybe you excuse yourself to say hi to your female friend during your conversation. Maybe you say, “Oh, we could never date. We would kill each other.” Page 31 31 These all must be done very delicately. If you insult her, she usually won’t forgive you. You must frame your takeaways in a way that gives her real hope of still winning you over. Remember, you are escalating things with her emotionally. Take two steps forward emotionally. But then, every once in a while, take a step back. Here’s another important part of being a challenge: make her work for your affection. This is a mistake that most guys make over and over when they like a girl. They make it obvious that they like her, way too strongly, and way too early. If you’re early on in the dating process, and she gets the sense that you might be falling in love with her, she’ll think, “Wow, it really doesn’t take much for this guy to fall for a girl. He’s not a challenge at all. He must be pretty desperate.” You absolutely must avoid this, because it can spiral out of control quickly. It kills the spark of the challenge, then she starts wondering what’s wrong with you that made you so desperate, and pretty soon, it’s game over. It can be mind-numbingly difficult to keep your cool when you really like a girl. I’ve been there plenty of times. Especially after you’ve had sex with her, your every instinct might be screaming at you to confess your true feelings and make her yours. And you will have to fight that instinct with every ounce of willpower you have. You don’t want to yank back on the line before you’ve given the hook a chance to settle in.
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun Love is an addiction, but it is not the only emotion we can get addicted to. In fact, there’s the potential for people to get addicted to pretty much any positive emotion. This can work incredibly in your favor since, though love might take a while to settle in, there’s another addictive reaction that you can stir up in her pretty much instantly. Page 32 32
Laughter. Making a woman laugh is one of the fastest ways to get her addicted to you, and as usual, I can help. Now, the best way to teach you how to be funny isn’t to give you a bunch of canned material or even to break down the traditional setup-punchline-tag structure of a joke. Because comedy has little to do with the joke itself and everything to do with the “character” who is telling the joke. Comedy writers know this secret and use it well. While their jokes are funny, they more importantly play into a comically “flawed” character. A scene in a comedy show is funny because the viewer thinks, “Oh my god, that is SO like that character. He would do that.” So the key is to develop yourself into a person who doesn’t take himself too seriously, someone with a lighthearted view on life who can find humor in any situation. Be the guy who laughs a lot. The more humor you find in everyday life, the more the people around you will pick up on it and laugh, too. Let’s take a quick look at my favorite ways to make a girl laugh. 1) Teasing her There’s a lot to talk about here, and I’ll break down exactly the best way to tease a girl later in this book. But for now, the most important thing to remember is to have a huge smile on your face when you make fun of her. You’ll be surprised how much you can get away with as long as she knows you’re clearly joking. 2) Telling funny stories Think about your favorite stand-up comic: Dave Chappelle, Louis C.K., even Jerry Seinfeld—I won’t judge. Their funniest routines are usually based on real events, right? You can do this, too. Every time something funny happens to you, make a note of it on your phone. Practice telling the story to your friends; hell, even practice it in front of your mirror if you have to. Whatever you need in order to be able to nail it every time. Page 33 33 Again, when approaching women, I hate “routines” or “canned material.” That’s an amateur’s game, and I don’t play that. But I do have “go-to stories” that I know have the comedic effect I’m looking for, and if the conversation calls for it, I’m always ready to pull that trigger. Usually, it’s best to have a light- hearted story that has an unexpected twist in it. Remember, you’re trying to be the fun guy. Don’t bum her out or ask her to do any mental gymnastics. Some of mine include: • The time I accidentally joined a gay gym in New York City. • The time my roommate had to call the police three
times on a girl who couldn’t take a hint—she kept bringing us beer and pizza to try to win us over. • The time I went to an expensive winery without knowing anything about wine—I looked up a bunch of fancy words on my phone, and everyone thought I was such an expert. • The time my best friend accidentally made out with a trans woman. Think about some of the funniest and strangest things that have happened to you. Chances are, there’s a story or two in there. Write them down. Practice them. When you get them just right, you can really make her laugh. 3) People watching Let’s say the conversation isn’t turning toward one of your stories. Don’t try to awkwardly force your material in. That never works! Sometimes you just have to make it happen on the fly, and one of the best sources for instant humor is simply looking at the people around you. Tell the lady you have a guilty pleasure of people watching (most women do, too). Then look around, spot someone, and make assumptions about them. This works best when there are other couples nearby. Make those assumptions funny, and make sure she can interpret on Page 34 34 some level that you mean “Oh, we’re not like that couple. We’re better than that.” Here are some examples: “Oh, those two must be on a first date. He is trying WAY too hard! Look at his body language.” “See that guy? He’s definitely been divorced at least three times. Just started dating again. Look how he’s scanning the entire room, nervous out of his mind.” “Oh my god, that girl’s dress! She’s looking for some action tonight.” “That guy’s for sure a regular. I bet he comes here every day after the bar kicks him out for being too drunk. Look how sloppy he is. It’s not even seven yet!” Notice there are no fancy joke structures here, simply observations. If you’ve just never been funny, don’t worry. With some commitment, you can still make humor one of your greatest strengths. I suggest attending improv classes to work on sharpening your wit and picking up the book, Comedy Writing Secrets, by Mel Helitzer. And keep at it! You’ll get there.
Be Driven Goals are sexy. Women love a man who is driven and has a purpose greater than
himself in life. That ambitious, Type-A man who sets goals and aggressively goes after them is practically irresistible to her. And likewise, a man who just coasts through life, wandering around aimlessly, is not in a million years going to wander into her bedroom. She wants to be a part of your mission. She wants to be by your side on the way to the top. So if you want her with you, you have to actually be on your way to the top. You can start this by setting yearly goals: financial goals, career goals, charitable goals, emotional goals…maybe Page 35 35 even spiritual goals, which could be as easy as meditating for a few minutes every morning. When the first girl I ever loved dumped me, she told me it was because she was embarrassed to be my girlfriend. Ouch. This put me in a pretty bad funk for a few months. But eventually, I realized that sulking forever was a pretty pathetic way to live. I had to shake the funk, and I needed a plan. So I locked myself in a big closet with a desk, and I didn’t leave until I had written out my one-year, three-year, five-year, and ten-year goals. Some of these goals were outrageous: I wanted to make at least $150,000 per year (I was making about $30,000 at the time), I wanted to live in a penthouse apartment, I wanted to be free of my crippling social anxiety, and I wanted to date a perfect ten. And the crazy thing is, I’ve since hit every single one of these goals. Even crazier, I pretty much forgot about the goals after writing them. Just the act of writing them down did 90% of the work for me. Writing down a goal has a powerful effect. It makes the goal real. It gives you a target and something that you feel accountable for. Once I realized that this was netting me results, I got in the habit of writing down new life goals every year. Then I just forget about them. They set me on the right path to where I want to go in life, and once that road is clear, I’ve got a lead foot and plenty of gas in the tank. I credit this as one of the main reasons why I do so well with women. You see, women have this sixth sense for whether or not a guy is “going places.” And if she feels like you don’t know which direction you want to go in life, then she’s definitely not going to hold out her thumb and ask for a ride. So take some time to write down your goals. Write what you want one year from now, three years from now, five years from now, and ten years from now in as much detail as possible. For example, don’t write, “I want to be rich.” Write, “I want to have $1 million dollars in my bank account.” You must be able to measure your goals. Page 36
36 Then, write down why you want achieve each of these goals. Is it because of the freedom that comes along with that money? Or the lifestyle? Or maybe you want to donate to or even start your own charity? After that, write down in vivid detail what your life will look like one year, three years, five years, and ten years from now after achieving these goals. How will your typical day go? What emotions will you experience that you don’t experience often now? What will your living situation be like? Then, simply forget about it. You’re already ahead of almost every other guy who doesn’t write this stuff down. And if you’re like me, you’ll want to make this a habit. Come back and re-calibrate your goals every year or so. But for now it’s important to just have something on paper.
Roll with It “Outcome independence” is an important part of being the sexy driven type, and it’s different than being a “go-getter” in a lot of ways. This confuses a lot of guys, so let me break it down. Although women crave a man who strives to reach his goals, they tend to get turned off when he is too attached to any one outcome. Think of the old, struggling salesman who just needs to land that one big account because, “It’ll put me on the map!” Yeesh. Nobody wants to hang around that guy. Likewise, women don’t want that kind of tunnel-vision drama in their relationships. There’s a good chance that the next woman you’ll meet absolutely hates it when a man is too attached to a single outcome with her, whether it’s sleeping with her or being her boyfriend. If you need that outcome to be happy, she’ll sense it. And she’ll think you are, well, needy. Neediness repels women like nothing else. Page 37 37 If you think back to your failed relationships, or even some of the times when you tried to pick someone up and it didn’t work, I bet you can pinpoint the exact time things started going wrong. And I bet that was usually the time you started acting needy—needing her affection in order to be happy, needing her to return your calls and texts for you to not feel stressed, needing her to reciprocate everything you did so that you didn’t feel hurt or betrayed. Neediness is an nasty thing, and one of the most common ways it rears its ugly head is through jealousy. Most attractive single women are sleeping with someone. That’s right, the girl you want probably has a man in her life, even if it’s casual. If not, she definitely has orbiters—men who are constantly texting her and trying to hang out or hook up. Though it may seem like an alien
experience to you, a beautiful woman will have instant admirers every place she walks into. If you act jealous or act like you need to be the only man in her life, it can cripple her attraction for you, especially if your relationship is still new. It will turn you into “just another one of the orbiters”, who she keeps around just to feel good about the fact that she has so many “options”.. But if you truly don’t care if another guy hits on her…or if she’s going on other dates…or if she’s sleeping with other men…that’s what will eventually make her want to get rid of all those other options and only see you. It’s because you don’t need her. Keep in mind, it’s OK to have a goal. “I want to sleep with this woman tonight” or “I want to make her my girlfriend” are just fine objectives. But don’t be too attached to hitting that goal. Because, you just never know what her current situation is. And you won’t have control over everything. Sometimes things don’t work out, and the reason why often has nothing to do with you. If you want to keep your relationship goals from becoming too needy, try changing your focus so that you’re the boss of them. For example, “I want to sleep with this woman tonight…if she can show me that she’s a sexually open minded woman who loves to have fun” or Page 38 38 “I want to make her my girlfriend…if she meets the personality standards that are best for me.” This combination of having goals, aggressively pursuing them, and being totally cool with not hitting them every time is a magical recipe for success not just with women, but in life. And when she sees that you’re the unique kind of guy who doesn’t need to have any one specific outcome to be happy, she’ll love you for it.
It’s Not about the Money All women aren’t gold diggers. They don’t love money. Though some women do love the way that money makes them feel. Money is simply a resource—a resource that can buy certain feelings. The freedom of a vacation. The excitement of a new dress. The security of a big home. Contrary to what you might think (or what you might have heard from that bitter old drunk at the bar), most women don’t necessarily want a rich guy. They only want a man who has enough resources to ensure the lifestyle she imagines for herself. If she fantasizes about a four-bedroom house on the beach, three vacations a year, and a whole mess of children…then it’s probably going to be a strike against you if you work in fast food and make minimum wage.
But if you have a successful career that you’re passionate about and make $100,000 per year…you’ll probably have plenty of resources to eventually fulfill her “vision.” A guy who makes $1,000,000 won’t have that big of an advantage over you. All other things being equal, she’ll go for the guy who is more compatible with her on a day-to-day basis. Yet you’ll have a tremendous advantage over the guy who makes $30,000 per year, trust me. So when you see a woman chasing after a rich guy, know that at the end of the day it’s not necessarily about his bank account. It’s about the resources he can provide for her. Page 39 39 I have some rich friends who take full advantage of their biggest resource—money. They throw lavish parties at their mansion. They offer to go out for a spin on their yacht. These men are damn resourceful, and they can deliver a lot of highly desired experiences to women. But there are plenty of other resources that have nothing to do with money. There are “social” resources. If you have a large group of amazing, fun friends, that is a huge plus. If you have business connections that can help her advance her career, it certainly won’t hurt. Hell, you might be dirt poor and just know all the rich guys, and if you hang out with them often enough, you’ll find yourself enjoying those same perks. There are also “skill” resources. If you are handy enough to fix the car when something breaks and threatens to leave you stranded, bam! You’ve got skill points. If you’re a great dancer who can teach her how to salsa, that’ll score you a major plus as well. And then there are “power” resources. If you work at her favorite nightclub and can make sure she gets into the VIP, she’ll appreciate it. If you hold a high rank in an organization or in politics, you might have access to events that almost no one else does. And for the right woman, that’s definitely a perk. So again, women aren’t just after money. Just like you, they often appreciate what money can buy—certain things that lead to feelings of satisfaction, security, and accomplishment. And if you’re resourceful enough to be able to give her the hope of a life she wants, then she’ll have a strong urge to pursue you and make you part of her life.
Think on This A big part of being an Elixir of Eros Insider is knowing the value of the different kinds of value—and building yourself accordingly. If she has to choose between some dude who’s riding in like a one-trick Page 40 40
pony, and you—the cool, driven, fun guy who already has a complete and satisfying existence—who do you think she’s going to see as more valuable? And who do you think she’s going to want to pursue? As you continue to read, and as I give you more and more tricks and tools, keep in mind that no one technique or strategy is an island unto itself. Everything works together to make you a highly desired catch— her perfect ten. And you can be a ten. Believe in yourself, yo. That’s the most important part. Page 41 41
CHAPTER 4 Confidence Secrets
“Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t— you’re right.” ~ Henry Ford When you know you have what it takes to make her yours, she can sense it…and it turns her on. She can also sense when you are anxious, scared, and overly sensitive…a sure-fire way for you to end up in the friend zone or ditched entirely in favor of a more confident guy. Confidence makes women flat-out horny. It may be the most powerful of the chase triggers. Some of it comes with experience, but there are also some shortcuts that will boost your confidence almost immediately. These will allow you to build up that natural swagger over the long run, and in the meantime, you may find your life opening up to all sorts of adventures.
The Dream Team I cracked my eyes open and noticed a figure lying next to me. A smoking hot figure. Brunette. Long legs. She gave me a coy smile, and I smiled back, stretching the sleep from my limbs. Page 42 42 My leg brushed against something else. Someone else. I looked up to see yet another gorgeous girl flashing an equally mischievous grin. This one a blonde. Fit. Why was she running her hand up my thigh? And why were both of these girls wearing volleyball jerseys? “Hey, lover,” whispered the brunette in my ear. “I want you bad,” whispered the blonde. The van jolted to a stop, and the girls got out, walking toward a towering gym. The blonde looked back over her shoulder.
“Come on.” She didn’t have to tell me twice. I scrambled out of the van, trying not to seem too eager as I followed them. When I entered the gym their entire volleyball team was there. About twelve of them. “Oh my god, he’s so hot,” murmured one of them. “Don’t you dare,” came another voice, “He’s all mine.” Before I could breathe a word, they all rushed me, tearing at each other’s clothes to try and get to me first. BAM! I cracked my eyes open, for real this time, and I came to my senses with a flood of disappointment. Damn it! Why did that have to be a dream? I tossed and turned and tried to will myself into going back to sleep. As soon as I realized that wasn’t going to happen, I turned to my side and wrote down my raunchy adventure in my dream journal.
Shift Happens I didn’t know it at the time, but that night would become a crucial turning point in my dating life. You see, before that happened, I’d never had dreams like that—where women wanted me to the point of fighting over me. Page 43 43 And the reason for that is simple: deep down, my subconscious mind didn’t believe women wanted me. I felt like I had some fundamental flaw that I had to cover up—the true reason why I just didn’t deserve a hot, amazing girl. This started early. Ever since I hit puberty, I had been dealt blow after brutal blow to my confidence. When I hit high school, my face had so much acne that I looked like a pepperoni pizza. I had a fall birthday, which meant I was one of the youngest kids in my grade. I was shorter than average—wider, too—about twenty pounds overweight. As you can imagine, my interactions with the other guys in class mostly consisted of getting shoved in lockers, called “Fat Mike,” and offered things that shouldn’t be eaten. And my interactions with girls? Forget it. They just plain didn’t happen. So it’s no shock that I quickly developed some pretty bad beliefs: “I’m not good enough for women.” “I’m ugly.” “I’m a hopeless case.” Guys, if any of this sounds familiar, know that I’m here for you, and things can get better. I’m living proof. Once I made the conscious effort to take those beliefs head-on and rewrite them into what would make me stronger, the real change started to happen. After hundreds of affirmations, hours of soul searching, a lot of practice with women, and dozens of new pages in my personal
journal, something finally clicked. I started to see more success with women. Little by little things began to change. And then I had that dream, and I will never forget what it felt like waking up that morning, because deep down I knew that it marked a new era in my life. After that night, my mannerisms around women changed, ever so slightly. My vocal tone shifted. I held my shoulders a bit higher. I hesitated less often. And women responded to me very differently. The reason for that stark change? I finally believed that I was worthy of hot women. That they wanted me. That they craved me. Page 44 44 With a little dedication, you can make that same groundbreaking shift in mindset. Our thoughts create our reality. What we believe has a tremendous impact on every action we take. If you think, “I’m not good enough for a girl like that,” or, “I’m too fat/old/poor for her,” then you’re right. You will become a failure if you’re determined to. Don’t get me wrong, if you think, “I can fuck any girl I want within one minute of meeting her,” then you’re just delusional…and probably also an asshole. But if you think, “There are millions of beautiful, single, amazing girls on earth, and I know I have what it takes to find one that’s right for me,” then you have a healthy, positive self-image that’s actually based on reality. And you’ve set yourself on the path to success. It probably won’t surprise you to learn that the world’s most effective ladies’ men think very differently than the guys who can’t get laid to save their life. And when you take on the dominant thoughts of these successful men—and truly believe them—well, your actions will take care of themselves. But how do you “borrow” someone’s thoughts? True, you can’t just hook up a wire between our heads or put your hand on my face to instantly absorb my thoughts and beliefs. But it can be done. And with a little persistence, it ends up being pretty damn simple. Here’s a quick overview of how the human mind forms beliefs: 1) Our conscious “thinking” mind is fed messages from the day we are born, from our parents, from our friends, from authority figures, and from the media. 2) The messages we hear the most, and the ones we see the most evidence for, start to repeat themselves in our mind. They turn into our “dominant thoughts.” 3) Our dominant thoughts develop in our neural networks, further solidifying into beliefs. These beliefs influence every action (or inaction) in our lives.
Page 45 45 Pretty straightforward, right? It turns out, you only need two things to develop a belief. First, you have to feed your mind a new message or thought repeatedly. Then, seek out evidence to support that thought until it becomes real to you. Bam. Done. Now, the beliefs I’m going to share with you are all based on TRUTH. You won’t be taught anything delusional or “hypey.” These are all common beliefs and thoughts of men who gets chased by women: “This girl would kill to have a guy like me in her life. I wonder if she meets my standards.” “Women love sex, and I’m a great option to give it to them.” “Wait…is this girl trying to TRICK me into bed? Girls these days!” “Is this girl trying to weasel her way into a relationship with me?” “Wow, I better keep my eye out for women trying to get me into bed…or trap me into commitment. Girls today will do anything to bag a good guy!” “High-quality women would be lucky to find a guy like me.” “I know what women want better than they do themselves.” “If we aren’t compatible, it’s no big deal. And it’s her loss.” “Deep down, she is attracted to my masculine presence. I just have to bring that attraction out of her.” Get the idea? Now, here is what I want you to do with these beliefs: Pick two or three of them that appeal to you. Re-write them in a way that is relevant to you. Really own these. Make sure you use emotional language, and keep everything in the present moment. For example, you might change, “Wait…is this girl trying to trick me into bed? Girls these days!” into “I’m always on the lookout for hot girls trying to ‘trick’ or ‘game’ me into bed. And I will call them out on it if they do!” Repeat each of those beliefs five times every morning and every evening for one month. Speak loudly and with emotion. Don’t just think the beliefs as you say them. Feel them. When you’re done, take a minute or two to visualize how you might behave differently around women when you fully accept that belief. How will your body language change? How will you speak to her differently? Page 46 46 During that month, be on the lookout for any evidence that supports your new beliefs. If you keep a journal (and you really should if you’re committed to personal growth) write that evidence down. By the time that month is over, you’ll notice a shift in your overall mindset. Notice how women respond to you differently. Notice how your dreams and thoughts transform. And notice how you have to
“try” a little bit less whenever you approach a new woman. When that happens and you become aware that women want you, it will be a moment you’ll never forget. Just like my dream.
My Heart Problem “I don’t have sex until I really get to know someone,” she whispered in my ear during our dinner date. “But I LOVE cuddling.” I took a mental note. Cuddling before sex. Got it. Fast forward two hours later into our date, and I’d built up the courage to ask her, “So, uh…wanna come back to my apartment and watch a movie?” I joked, “We can cuddle, but no sex allowed!” Part of me was praying that she said, “No, I have to get up early,” or, “Some other time. I don’t know you well enough yet.” That would have made things so much easier. That would have kept me safely in my comfort zone. “OK!” she practically squealed. And that familiar wave of anxiety crept into my heart. I managed to get her back to my apartment without losing my shit. Once inside, I led her to my two-person recliner and covered us both in my thickest comforter. I hit play on the movie, and as her head lay on my chest, my heart rate sped up by at least 50%. Why does this always happen? Why can’t I just be normal and be relaxed around girls? I had already gotten over my fear of approaching girls. I’d gotten over my fear of talking to girls. Heck, I’d even gotten Page 47 47 over my fear of asking a girl out. But the instant I touched a girl, my heart rate shot through the roof. As we cuddled, I noticed that her ear was resting directly over my heart, which only made it worse. She could quite literally hear my anxiety pounding away, and in no time, I was on the verge of a full-on panic attack. I grit my teeth and pressed through it. I didn’t awkwardly push her away or try to shift her head away from my heart. I didn’t try to avoid contact with her, and I didn’t run screaming from the room. I took a long, slow breath and just accepted the fact that my heart was beating a hundred miles a minute. And I accepted the fact that she could probably hear it. And that she probably knew I was nervous. And you know what? She didn’t say a word about it. And the next time I hung out with her, we cuddled again. My heart still raced, just like before, but after a few minutes, it settled down. And the third time we hung out, my heart rate was no longer a problem at all. My anxiety about a woman’s touch had vanished into thin air, never to come back again.
Systematic Desensitization I learned later that it was all thanks to the magic of “systematic desensitization.” A familiar term to psychologists and definitely therapists, systematic desensitization is truly the “one therapy to rule them all.” Used correctly, it consistently has higher success rates than any trendy form of therapy, often based in pseudoscience. And if you have any fears, anxieties, or reservations about women, trust me, it’s the fastest, most effective way to get over them. Essentially, it’s the process of progressively overcoming your anxieties, one step at a time. Which is really the only way to overcome an Page 48 48 anxiety. If you’re deathly afraid of heights, you don’t start by climbing Mt. Everest. You start with a hill. Once we slowly familiarize ourselves with the thing that scares us, it loses its power over us. And our anxiety…progressively…begins to fade away. If you aren’t having the success you want with women, chances are some part of the process of meeting, talking to, having sex with, and developing a relationship with a woman makes you incredibly anxious. It’s OK, you can admit. It happens to the best of us. Maybe it’s saying “hi” to her. Maybe you’re like me, and it’s when things start to get physical. Whatever it is, it’s holding you back from the success you want. And if you’re anything like I was, you may have the illusion that “someday” you’ll have the time and energy to put in the gargantuan effort it takes to overcome the thing that makes you anxious. You have a fantasy that you’ll take “one giant leap,” and sometime in the not-so-distant future you’ll be able to “get over” the thing that’s causing all the trouble. Well, I’ve got news for you, my friend. That “perfect” day is never going to come. The pieces of life rarely fit themselves into place like that. Getting over your anxieties and developing rock-solid confidence is a process. The good news is that you don’t have to move that boulder all at once! You can gradually get over your anxiety one small, attainable step at a time. Here’s how it works: 1) Establish a Stimulus Hierarchy. When you meet a woman, what is the thing that makes you the MOST anxious of all? What is the thing that makes you the next most anxious? Write down every last anxiety you have, and rank them. Draw from your own experiences, and keep this in mind as you read. Once we get to the part of the book when I lay out the Elixir of Eros System, we’ll be going over the exact, step-by-step process for meeting, attracting, sleeping with, and dating the women you want. At
that point, you’ll want to take note of the things I suggest that terrify you the most as well as which things seem doable for you. Page 49 49 Hint: you’ll want to start with the most doable ones. 2) Learn Coping Mechanisms. These are the tools that are going to help you when you’re in the heat of the moment and you feel that panic attack coming on. The one coping mechanism that I’ve had the most success with is to focus on your breathing. This is what the Buddhists call “samatha meditation”—the singular focus on one’s breath. Breathe in; breathe out. Pay special attention to the air flowing into your nostrils and out of your mouth. Or focus on your stomach expanding and collapsing as you take deep breaths. Whenever you feel anxious, stressed, or otherwise psyched out, simply take a quick moment to focus on your breath. This will take you outside of your head and into the moment. For more on this, I’d recommend downloading the HeadSpace smartphone app or reading the book, Quiet Mind: A Beginner’s Guide to Meditation. Other coping mechanisms that have worked for my clients include hypnosis and deep muscle relaxation techniques. Experiment. Find what works for you. But you sure can’t go wrong with meditation and focusing on your breath. 3) Gradually Expose Yourself to the Things that Scare You. You now have a tool—your breath. You’ve practiced in a setting that doesn’t intimidate you, and you’re ready to face the least intimidating item on your stimulus hierarchy. You’ve got this. In fact, think of it like a video game. You’re starting on level one, and your goal is to work your way to harder and harder levels. Sure, the levels get tougher, but your skillset also improves along the way. Are you afraid of approaching girls? Make a commitment to go to a bar, and say “Hi! How is it here tonight?” to the first girl you see as you walk in. This is pretty much rejection-proof if you do it right as you walk in the bar. There’s no reason for her to be mean. You’re just being friendly. Page 50 50 Are you afraid of physical contact with girls? The next time you’re talking with a girl, make a commitment to lightly touch her on her shoulder. Are you afraid of asking a girl out? Make a commitment to ask a girl you’re NOT interested in sexually
for her phone number, to hang out as friends. Then gradually work your way up to the things you are most afraid of. And if you start to feel that familiar twinge of anxiety, BREATHE. Get back in the moment. Then go forth, and take action.
Out of Whose League? How the hell was he getting away with it? He was about five foot nine, forty pounds overweight, and had a beard that looked like a comfortable home for a family of small rodents. She was pushing six feet, blonde, skinny, and wearing a bright green dress that perfectly molded itself to her banging curves. When he first approached her, she barely gave him a chance. She turned her hips away, rarely looked him in the eye, and answered all his questions with one-word, flat-toned boredom. Yet he persisted. And slowly but surely, the conversation started to change. Her single-word answers turned into longer sentences. Her hips turned slowly back toward him. And then things changed drastically. She started inching closer to him. Touching his shoulder. Laughing at his every joke. The roles had changed. It was now her who was doing the flirting. If you were there and listening to the conversation, like I was, you’d be even more shocked. Some of the stuff coming out of this guy’s mouth was downright cringe-worthy. I kept betting with myself on not if—but when—she’d toss her drink in his face and storm off. Page 51 51 He said stuff like: “Oh, do you treat all hot guys like this?” “You’re not gonna win me over with THAT attitude. Do better.” “Oh my gosh! Wrong answer. I thought we were perfect for each other, but now you have some serious work to do, missy.” And he didn’t just say this stuff. You could tell he believed it. He was the prize, and she was merely a suitor. Sure, he was the one who approached her. He was the one who started aggressively asking her questions. From my vantage point, he was definitely the pursuer. But to it seemed to him, and eventually to her, that she was the one desperately trying to win him over. She had bought into his “frame” of reality. At the end of the night, she did indeed win him over. She walked off with him, pushed him into a cab, and probably didn’t waste much time ripping off his clothes when they got home. That man’s name was Ian. You may call him “hero.” I call him one of my best friends.
Watching Ian work his “frame” every night was an eye-opening experience, and I credit it with helping me sharpen my skills as a guy who can close the deal with women. So, what is a “frame” exactly? And why is it such an important concept when it comes to women? A frame is a lens, a window through which you view an interaction, a relationship, or even the world as a whole. For our purposes, we’re going to focus mostly on the interaction- level frames, and in particular, the frame that SHE is trying to win you over. Have you ever noticed that the stronger someone’s conviction is in something, the quicker people buy into their way of thinking? Page 52 52 Throughout history, cult leaders and revolutionaries alike have built massive followings on strong conviction alone. Frames work in much the same way. Think of an interaction frame as a mini, situational belief. Your goal is to get her to buy into your frame, to believe it as much as you do. And to do that, you have to be steadfast. For example, she might think, “A gentleman is supposed to buy me drinks and shower me with compliments.” Or, on a higher level, “If a man wants me, he has to win me over.” Her thoughts, actions, and words will reflect that frame: as she tests you, as she asks you for an expensive drink, as her every action reeks of “What do you have to offer me, sir?” And if you buy into the frame that you have to win her over, then that’s exactly what the rest of your interaction will look like—you trying to impress her. But what if you had a different strategy? What if you went into the interaction with the opposite frame, the frame of “She’s trying to win me over”? And, stick with me on this one, what if you believed this to be true with absolute conviction? How do you think women would react to you then? Most of the time, she’ll think, “Wow. Who is this guy?” She’ll think, “Why is he such a challenge?” And deep down, she will start seeking your approval. Her behaviors will change, subtly at first. She’ll start talking more. She’ll care more about how you react to what she says. And she’ll want you to like her. The need to be liked, and for that matter, the need to be LOVED, is one of the strongest human desires. And when you have the frame of “she is trying to win me over,” you bring out that desire in her. Since you’re reading this, I’m going to guess that you probably don’t believe that women, let alone top-shelf women, would have any reason to try to win you over. Maybe a woman has never pursued you in your life. “How am I supposed to magically start thinking women are trying
to win me over,” you ask? Well, that’s not exactly what I’m asking you to do. I’m merely asking you to look for evidence that a woman could be trying to win you over. Page 53 53 And to interpret, hell, misinterpret that evidence, to be construed as her chasing after you. Let’s look at a few examples: A woman talks about a certain park she’s been wanting to visit forever. If you’re a normal guy, without this frame, you’ll probably say something like, “Oh that’s cool! I’ve heard great things about that park! Maybe we can go sometime!” But that’s not what a guy who embraces the “win me over” frame will do. Instead, he’ll break into a wide grin and say something like, “Trying to get me out on a park date already? I see you what you’re doing, you sneaky little girl. You’ll have to sell me on it better than that before you lock me down for whatever picnic shenanigans you’re trying to get me into.” Or maybe a girl starts bragging about her job and how she just got a high-paying promotion. A normal guy might say, “Oh that’s awesome! Congratulations! I bet you’re so excited!” And there’s nothing wrong with that, per se. But the man with the “win me over” frame would take a different approach. “ I think you’re cool regardless of how much money you make. You don’t have to try to impress me, you know.” Remember, these things must be said with a big ol’ grin hanging off your face. You do NOT want to insult her. Maintain your playful, easygoing vibe, and embody the character of the fun guy. For now, all I want you to do is to start looking for evidence, even if it’s false evidence, that women are trying to win you over. Go out. Talk to girls. You won’t think of something clever on the spot every time, but when you get home, think back to your conversations, and write down in your journal any opportunities you missed to interpret what she was saying as her trying to win you over. Do this consistently, and you will train your mind to enter that frame automatically. Once that happens, you’ll become quicker with your responses, your conviction in your frame will get stronger, and she will start to buy into your frame more and more. Page 54 54
Body Language A whopping 80% of communication is non-verbal. And studies have shown that in every culture around the world, women are sig-
nificantly better at reading body language than men. They’re better at reading your face, your posture, your gestures, even figuring out what your tone of voice means. Scary, right? But there’s good news: if you have below average body language, and you’re not getting the types of girls you want, it’s a relatively easy fix. And it’s one of the quickest ways to instantly appear more confident to her. I’ve been talking a lot about the “inner game” of confidence: the beliefs, the frames, the mindsets. Working on your inner game will automatically improve your body language. But that takes time, and there are also ways to make tremendous strides with your body language right away. You can, dare I say, “fake it ‘til you make it.” And here’s the even better news: it goes both ways. Just like developing better confidence helps your body language, developing better body language can boost your confidence. In fact, two researchers from the University of Kansas proved that, when you smile, you actually feel happier. Even if it’s a fake smile, the process of moving your mouth to form a smile has a direct effect on the mind, making you happier. And when you improve your posture, researchers at Harvard and Columbia have both proven that it shifts your mindset. When you assume what they call “power poses,” your decision-making subconsciously reflects that confidence. As you stand up a little bit taller and pull your shoulders back, your brain receives a signal that you have changed. That confident part of your brain is “turned on,” and you become more decisive and assertive. Here’s a list of the essential non-verbals that can make you more attractive: Page 55 55 1) Good Posture Stand up tall, and bring your shoulders back. Your shoulders should be relaxed and your head held high. You should be able to make a straight line from your ears to your shoulders to your hips. Here’s how to make sure. Set up a timed camera, and take a few pictures of yourself standing in a relaxed pose. Face the camera from your side, not your front. Be honest with yourself. Don’t “cheat” and improve your posture for the picture. If your ear, shoulder, and hip all line up, you’re in pretty good shape. If not, I’d suggest the following: • Resistance training, focused on your lat and scapular muscles. • Practice the “Alexander Technique” for better posture. • See a reputable chiropractor, and get some basic adjustments.
2) Non-Reactive Body Language If you were to watch a group of amateurs talking to women at a bar, one thing would probably stick out to you about their body language: they are very reactive to what she says and does. Instead of being calm, centered, and having their own presence, their movements are highly dependent on the girl’s actions. Out of nervousness, they appear overeager and move far too much. They may even unconsciously twitch or fidget when they get anxious. The more reactive you are to her, the more nervous you appear. And the more nervous you appear, the less attracted to you she is. She wants you to be memorable and confident—your own person, rather than a reflection of her. A big part of fixing this is making sure you have… 3) No Wasted Movements That’s right. Your movements should be conscious and deliberate. Aim to move at around 50% of the speed you usually do. And whatever you do, don’t lose control of your hands, head, or legs as you talk. When Page 56 56 you get uncomfortable, your nervous habits and ticks have a tendency to take over. You must fight them. You must remain physically calm. Every movement and every gesture you make should be smooth, and relaxed. If you touch her, do so gently. Don’t force it. And don’t look at your hand. That just makes you seem awkward and overly self-conscious. When you speak, don’t let your hands take on a life of their own. Don’t move your fingers as you make hand gestures, either. It isn’t cute, and you can’t really laugh it off by saying, “I’m sorry. I’m [insert your ethnicity].” It’s best not to do the thing that makes her uncomfortable in the first place. Pay attention to this the next time you’re hanging out with your friends. Most likely you have that one friend who moves way too much when they talk. Observe him, and don’t make those same mistakes. Likewise, you might know someone who always seems smooth, relaxed, and confident when he talks. Study him, and copy his body language. And if you want to make sure, try recording yourself having a Skype chat with a friend. I’m willing to bet you’ll be shocked at how much unnecessary movement you make. 4) Look Straight into Her Eyes Everyone knows the old saying that “The eyes are the windows to the soul.” But somehow an astounding 90% of men don’t make enough eye contact when talking with women. Since you’re seeking my help, I can almost guarantee you that you’re one of them. I certainly was, and it took a real effort to get over it. Be sure to look at her straight in the eyes. You should be gazing into
her eyes about 60-80% of your conversation. Now, sometimes the problem isn’t you. It’s her. If she isn’t giving you eye contact at first, mirror her, and lead her. This means give her the exact same amount of eye contact she is giving you; then slowly start to give her a little bit more. And more. And more. You’ll notice her reciprocating more and more, and you’ll probably notice her opening up to you, too. Page 57 57 5) Don’t Be a Leaner Leaning in too much is one of the most common (and most repulsive) body language mistakes. And to make matters worse, most of the time the offending guy has no clue that he’s doing it! Yes…that means you are probably doing it. This particular mistake tends to happen at a bar or a club or any other place that has a lot of noise. The inexperienced guy will lean in and try to hear what she’s saying. “What’s wrong with that?” you might ask. There’s nothing wrong with hearing who you’re talking with—I highly recommend it. But instead of leaning in during a conversation, the Elixir of Eros Insider will bait her into leaning in toward him. Here’s how it works. Create a close distance between you and her. Get her comfortable with your touch. Lean in gently only when she leans into you. Then, slowly but surely, add small body language takeaways to your interaction. Lean back a bit. Establish a chasing dynamic. For example, if she says something that you can tease her about, lean back…even take a step back and playfully push her away. “Oh, you’re a METS fan? This friendship is over!” With practice, you’ll be able to get a girl to start physically chasing you. 6) Project Your Voice Speak loudly and powerfully. Make sure your voice is coming from your diaphragm, not your throat. Just like you’re almost certainly not making enough eye contact, you are almost certainly not projecting vocally enough. The fix for this is simple: make a real effort to speak louder than you usually do. And if you aren’t sure, keep amping it up until someone tells you, “Keep it down, dude.” Then dial it back a touch, and you’re set. Easy enough? I can’t hear you! Page 58 58 7) Limit “Umms,” “Likes,” and Other Filler Words
Just as your body language should be smooth, so should your speech. Make an effort to eliminate necessary words from your everyday conversations. They wear down your confidence and make you seem uncertain to women. One great place to practice is while ordering food. I used to go to Chipotle every day. And one day I noticed that, without fail, I said, “Uhhhh” before every item that I requested. “Uhhhh, I’ll have steak. Uhhhh, black beans. Uhhhh, no cheese. Uhhhh, mild sauce. Uhhhh, guacamole.” I had been doing this for YEARS without noticing! So, whenever I ordered food from then on out, I made a commitment: no more filler words. For a while, I’d catch myself slipping up and saying, “Uhhhh” before an item. But each week, it got easier until I’d completely eliminated my filler words. What are your filler words? Try to be aware of them as you speak. And practice them in everyday conversation, so that when you’re face to face with an amazing woman, you’re already in the habit of speaking smoothly.
Think on This I hope you noticed that, while I’m certainly giving you things to do, I’m also telling you a lot of things NOT to do. Don’t lean in, don’t move too much, don’t be reactive, etc. Presenting a confident, attractive persona is all about self-awareness. Once you know about the little ways you tend to sabotage yourself, you can easily make the little adjustments that will instantly step up your game and move you that much closer to making your big shift. Page 59 59 It takes practice, but it’s well worth it. Think if yourself like a baseball player. If you want to be able to hit home runs with any sort of frequency, you’ll have to spend some time in the batting cages, and you’ll have to make sure you’re swinging with the correct form. Once you’ve mastered that basic level, it’ll supercharge everything you use from the Elixir of Eros System. Page 60 60
CHAPTER 5 The Five Pillars of the Elixir of Eros “Life is a series of steps. Things are done gradually. Once in a while there is a giant step, but most of the time we are
taking small, seemingly insignificant steps on the stairway of life.” ~ Ralph Ransom Now that we’ve got the fundamentals down, let’s jump into the real action. These five “pillars” are what makes the Elixir of Eros System so uniquely effective. Each pillar is connected to one phase of the Elixir of Eros, but you’ll notice a bit of overlap that ties the whole system together. What we’re about to get into is important to making this work, so pay close attention. The more you understand these core concepts, the more you’ll understand not just what to do when you’re interacting with a woman, but why you should do it.
Tugging Away I was only a few months into my hardcore dating effort, and I was exhausted. By the end of the weekend, I’d started to dread looking at Page 61 61 what I had lined up for that evening. I was just trying to have fun and meet women, but it felt like I’d taken on another job. Now, I still enjoyed it some, and I did get to meet interesting people now and then. But it was a lot to start over from square one every single time, having to almost spy on the lady for just the right moment, approach her just right, talk her up, and impress her into even wanting to have a conversation, let alone any sort of activity. To be honest, my percentages weren’t great. Most of the time, I’d end up alone in bed at night, having to convince myself to do it all again the next day. It had to be easier than this. If only they liked me from the start, it would be so much better.
Pillar I: The Lighthouse The first pillar of the Elixir of Eros System is what I like to call “The Lighthouse.” It links in directly with Phase I, which is Curiosity. We’ll get more into that later, but for now, all you need to know is that, when you become a lighthouse, women will automatically become curious about you. They’ll want to meet you and be a part of your life. In short, when you are a lighthouse, your life is automatically filled with hot girls. Think of the beautiful women you want to bring into your life as boats. Yes, boats. Stick with me. You see, if women are boats, most men go about their dating lives with the mentality of a tugboat. Tugboats go out and spend hours trying to find a decent boat to reel in. Then they go through great efforts to latch onto the boat, and once they have it, they push and pull on it all the way back to the dock. It’s a lot of work! Single men, the ones who are trying at least, are often the same way. They spend hours going out trying to pick up women. Or swiping
through dating apps. Or spending hundreds of dollars on drinks, dinPage 62 62 ners, and gifts. And once in a blue moon, if they work hard enough, it actually works, and they bring a good woman into their life. You can be a tugboat if you want. I’m not about to stop you. In fact, I respect the tugboats on the dating scene a lot more than the men who sit at home, crying to themselves about just how alone they are. But there’s another way to reel in boats…or women…to your harbor. You could be a lighthouse. Lighthouses have the same mission as tugboats—to guide a boat to safety. But unlike tugboats, they stand fixed and simply shine their light. No pushing. No pulling. No effort. The boat notices the light that the lighthouse is radiating, they are attracted to safety, and they move in the right direction. A good lighthouse may take some time to build. You need a strong foundation so it can hold up to the elements. But once that foundation is in place, and the lighthouse is erected, it essentially does all the work for you. The men who have the easiest dating lives, the ones who put in the least amount of effort and always hook up with the highest quality women, operate like lighthouses. They’re OK with the idea of a greater initial investment. With that foundation, they can build their lives into a beacon of shining light that automatically attracts women. They take the time to build a social circle of hot women. They craft a proper wardrobe. They develop social skills that make women smile. And mostly importantly, they make sure to add value to the lives of those around them. It should be no wonder that their harbor is filled with good boats that are eager to dock there for life. So right now, you need to make a decision. Do you want to be a lighthouse or a tugboat? Do you want to put in the work that it takes to effortlesslyattract beautiful woman? Or do you want to struggle against the waves, spending countless hours trying to haul women into your life? No contest, right? Here are the ten commandments of being a lighthouse: Page 63 63 1) Always give more value than you take in the world. 2) Always strive for self-improvement, and be the best version of yourself you can be. 3) Always leave every woman better off than you found her.
4) Always treat women with honesty and integrity. 5) Always surround yourself with people who are better than you. 6) Always seek to make her smile. 7) Always live just outside the edge of your comfort zone. 8) Always respect your body, and put things in it that re-vitalize you. 9) Always respect your mind, and strive for inner calm and serenity. 10) Always respect your soul, and be kind to those who are less fortunate than yourself. Obey these commandments, and you’ll never have to work to attract the type of woman you want ever again.
Pillar II: The Gap What I call “the gap” is the pillar of the Elixir of Eros that’s most closely tied to the Infatuation Phase. Only when you have the perfect gap of emotional distance between you and a woman can she become infatuated enough with you to chase you. Think about it like this. Have you ever seen a kitten play with a piece of string? If not, it’s about half of all videos online. Kittens freaking LOVE string. It’s playful, it’s fun…and it’s tempting. Page 64 64 But an interesting thing happens when you place the string too close to the kitten. She gets bored with it. It becomes too attainable, too easy to catch. And when you move the string too far away, she becomes disinterested. If it’s all the way on the other side of the room, she thinks there’s no use in chasing after it; it probably isn’t worth the effort, anyway. In other words, it’s too unattainable. But when you dangle that string just outside the kitten’s reach…she goes CRAZY trying to catch it. She will jump and claw and swipe until she makes that string hers. This is the gap in action. If the space between the girl and the goal is the perfect distance away, it drives her to become infatuated enough to give chase. Even if you know you are perfect for each other you shouldn’t immediately tell her you love her and smother her with affection. She would see you as too attainable, too easy. You’re not fun anymore, because she knows she’s already got you in her grasp. Yet, at the same time, you shouldn’t completely ignore her. If you don’t give her the time of day, you likely won’t even end up on her radar. She’s not going to care enough about you to chase after you—if
she’s even aware that you exist. To be frank, if you haven’t been man enough to express any interest in her, then no matter how aggressive she is, she isn’t likely to pursue you. Instead, you want to create the perfect amount of space—the perfect gap—between the two of you. Show her that you’re interested, but not too interested. Compliment her, but also playfully tease her. Be sure to physically escalate things with her, but also push her away at times. It’s all about getting emotionally close with her while never making her feel like she completely has you. And if you successfully create that sense of uncertainty within her, there’s a good chance you’ll be seeing that puppy-eyed look that screams, “I have to have you!” Remember that women like a good challenge. They want to feel like they’ve earned your affection, or else they won’t value it. So throughout the Elixir of Eros System, you will find techniques and strategies that both pull her in and push her away, that make her feel warm and fuzzy Page 65 65 inside while making her feel just the right amount of uncertainty about where she stands with you. You see, the perfect amount of distance between you and a girl changes throughout the interaction. The gap should grow and shrink, slowly getting smaller and smaller. Two steps forward, one step back. That’s the dance of love. Throughout it all, you’re getting closer, but you’re not plowing forward like a runaway bulldozer. Instead, you are like a playful feather, teasing her, dancing on the wind right in front of her, until she feels the need to reach out and make it hers. With practice, you will learn the perfect amount of emotional distance to place between you and a woman. You will learn the subtle signs that tell you when it’s time to push away and when it’s time to pull her in. Once you master this balancing act, you’ll be able to stay in the gap at all times. And when you do, you’ll be just like the kitten’s owner who dangles the string the perfect distance away. Like the kitten, she will almost fall under a spell. She will be enchanted by you and want to catch you at all costs.
Pillar III: The Selector The Selector ties into the third phase of the Elixir of Eros System: Connection. It’s the perfect match, because as you connect with her, you’re going to subtly screen her to see if she meets your standards. And when she senses that you are testing her, she will assume you are a man of high value. Women go crazy for a man who has standards. If she thinks you’re the type who just accepts what you can get, she’ll run from you like
you’re a Dumpster fire. But if she thinks you’re the type of man who Page 66 66 is highly selective about who he chooses to date, she’ll chase you like a hungry hyena after a fat wildebeest. With that in mind, it’s time for the most important exercise in the entire book. It’s called the “Perfect Girl Magnet,” and it is not optional. You see, this book is all about learning how to get the girl of your dreams. But you can’t get that girl if you haven’t asked yourself who she really is. In order to get you better acquainted with your dream girl, we’re going to map out the exact qualities that she has. Ignore for a second two great big qualities and a nice, round quality. We’re about to focus on her personality qualities. Because when you’re that rare man who actually gives a damn about her personality and goes so far as to subtly test her for it, then a little light is going to go off in her head. She’s going to wonder, “What the hell is going on here? I’m supposed to be the one testing his personality. A million guys all want to compliment me on my ass, and here’s this guy actually giving a damn that I like to do charity work?” And then she’ll think, “He must be special. He must have many options. I have to win him over.” Sound good? Let’s get to it. Take out a pen and paper, and write down every quality you want in your ideal woman. These are called your “keeper” qualities, the ones that make you think, “This is someone I want to hold onto.” A few of mine are: • Honest • Loyal • Caring • Supportive • Responsible • Dependable • Understanding and Empathetic • Loving Feel free to use some of mine if you want, but this list should be very personal to you. Do NOT gloss over this exercise—it is crucial to Page 67 67 the entire Elixir of Eros System, and we will be referring back to your answers frequently. Take some time to think back to women you really liked in the past. The emotionally healthy women, not the ones that were smoking hot but would drive you crazy if you tried settling down with them. What was it about these women that made them good potential partners?
What did they have in common? Now, think back to some of the women you’ve met that wouldn’t have made good partners. Don’t hold back, here; we want those women that straight-up make you sick to your stomach when you think about them. What qualities did they have that drove you up the wall? Some of mine are: • Disloyalty • Vindictive • Addictive Personality • Seeks to “Punish” People • Boring, No Hobbies • Serial Monogamist (Bounces from Guy to Guy) • Mean-Hearted • Emotionally Distant We’re eventually going to get to the point in your Elixir of Eros training where you’ll be able to subtly test women for these qualities. This is important for two main reasons. First, you want to make sure that the woman you’re interacting with is someone you actually want in your life. And second, the simple act of testing her will place you as the selector in her mind. It’s a massive role-reversal to the average girl, and it sets the stage for you to be the prize. Once you’ve mastered that, I’m going to teach you exactly how to reward a girl for meeting your standards. You can’t fundamentally change who a person is at their core, but you can “shape” her personality and help her bring out the best qualities within her. You want to leave her better than you found her, remember? Then I’ll take it a step further and teach you how to elicit the qualities that you like and value Page 68 68 the most. After all, we’re talking about making sure she’s the perfect match for you. Now, if you’re anything like me, you’ll want to make a third list. I call this my “fun girl list.” These are the personality traits that I value in women who are meant for shorter-term, less committed relationships. Here’s my list: • Adventurous • Sexual • Independent • Open-Minded • Non-Judgmental • Uninhibited • Spontaneous • Carefree • Non-Jealous • Confident
Can you imagine how much easier hooking up with a girl would be if you reward her for embodying these qualities? Go ahead and make your own “fun girl list” if you’d like. Believe me, it can come in handy. Now that you have your lists, I’m going to show you an easy technique that will help you get started on testing a girl. Think of a time when you displayed one of these “keeper” or “fun” traits. For example, if you want an adventurous girl, tell her about a time you went on an adventure. Then, hint at how much you value that trait. For this example, you might say, “I really love going on adventures and being in the moment. I feel like life is too short to not do some epic shit, ya know?” And finally, subtly ask her to display that trait. “What about you? When was the last time you went on an awesome adventure?” If she doesn’t answer right away, don’t give up. It’s hard to come up with a story on the spot! Just ask a few follow-up questions. Poke and prod at her until you get something good. Page 69 69 You might ask her, “What about a cool vacation? When was the last time you traveled?” She may say, “Oh, I was in Cancun two months ago!” And you could reply, “Oh, I hear Cancun is a blast! What was the most exciting thing you did?” See what I mean? You are encouraging her to speak in vivid detail about times she embodied the personality traits that are important to you. This is a great way to test whether or not she possesses these traits. And if you want to take it a step further (which I highly recommend), you can also use positive reinforcement of these traits to help bring them out of her in a stronger and more frequent way—get her to know what she needs to do if she wants to make you happy. Now, here’s the most important thing about this whole “standards” thing. You absolutely must stick to your standards. If a girl displays too many of your “bad” traits, cut her off. It may feel borderline impossible if she’s drop-dead gorgeous, but it will pay off for you in the long run. Not only will you not get saddled with someone who would make you miserable, but the more rotten girls you reject, the more amazing girls will chase after you. Other women can sniff out a guy with standards a mile away, and it’s a hard thing to fake. On the other hand, if a girl displays a bunch of your “good” traits, compliment her! Reward her for meeting your standards! Your compliments will come off as genuine and heartfelt. Because they are. And that kind of compliment can make her heart melt.
Pillar IV: The Tsunami Effect Now we move on to the pillar linked with Desire, the fourth phase
of the Elixir of Eros System. As you’ll see, when you invoke the Tsunami Effect in a woman, it ignites an unstoppable flame of sexual desire Page 70 70 inside of her. And if you turn her on this way, she’s liable to throw all logic out the window and take great risks to have sex with you. Though you may find it hard to believe, at one point in my life, I was deeply depressed. I ran through psychologist after psychologist, never finding one who could really “fix” me. That was until I met Dr. Johnson. At well over sixty years old, Dr. Johnson first struck me as being way too old to help me. What kind of common ground could I possibly have with a guy who very well may have “liked Ike?” Still, I walked into his office and took a seat across from him. On his desk, I noticed a photo of him and his beautiful daughter. She must have been twenty-five years old. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to get to know him after all. When I asked him about the picture, he chuckled and told me, “That’s not my daughter, Mike. That’s my girlfriend.” I soon learned that Dr. Johnson was in an open relationship, and he was one of the most notorious players on the college campus he lived on. I just about fell out of my chair when he told me he regularly stole girls from the football players and frat guys. Teach me your ways, oh, Master. When I told him I wasn’t getting laid, he said, “Well, we’ll have to fix that before we fix anything else, won’t we? A man’s sex life is one of the keys to his happiness!” Dr. Johnson was a treasure trove of knowledge that I’m about to pass down to you. His specialty was Evolutionary Psychology. He had spent his life studying the mating patterns of our ancient ancestors, which he then used to come up with theories about how humans make sexual decisions. And then he used it to wet his Johnson on the regular. He taught me that sexual decisions are largely irrational, that both men and women often take ill-advised risks to meet their sexual needs. And that when a woman is in a “sexual frenzy” over a man, when she’s uncontrollably turned on by him and has decided that she has to have him, then there’s almost nothing that can be done to keep her from chasing him. If you know a bit about psychology, you may have heard of the phenomenon known as the “amygdala hijack.” This is very similar, and it’s Page 71 71 very powerful. Remember how when you react to a situation emotionally, you lose control? That’s essentially it, and that’s what you want her to feel as we progress deeper into the heart of the Elixir of Eros.
Dr. Johnson was a huge advocate of this. He often referred to it as the “Tsunami Effect” because this “sexual overdrive” mechanism in the female brain originally evolved to pass on her genes in times of disasters, like earthquakes and tsunamis. But he also told me that it’s called the Tsunami Effect because, when it happens, she gets “wetter than a tsunami.” Straight from the mouth of the good doctor, my friend. You will want to induce this effect in her during the Desire Phase of the Elixir of Eros. It works best when you’ve gotten her curious, when she’s infatuated with you, and when she feels a connection with you. Now, I’ve dedicated an entire chapter to the process of getting her that revved up, so, patience, Grasshopper. We’ll get there. First, we have to cover some key concepts so you don’t immediately spin out once you’ve been given the keys to the Ferrari. There are fundamental differences between what turns a man and woman on. Turning a man on is mostly physical and visual—if you put on a good porno and start stroking your dick, you’re probably going to get hard. Turning a woman on is mostly psychological. It isn’t what’s going on in front of her eyes as much as it’s what’s going on inside of her head. And what is the most potent psychological force that can help induce the Tsunami Effect? It’s what Dr. Johnson calls forbidden acts. Forbidden acts, no matter how illogical, have a potent power to arouse a woman. Here’s an example. I have a friend who drives a 1964 Shelby Cobra. It’s an iconic car, but it’s also extremely dangerous. With the compact frame and open top, the seat belts are essentially useless. The massive exhaust pipe runs right next to the door, and if you accidentally brush up against it while getting in or out, you’ll get singed. And the ride is bumpy and uneven—definitely not built for comfort. Frankly, I was terrified the first time I rode in the car. But my friend can’t seem to keep hot women out of the passenger seat. Page 72 72 How does he get so lucky? Simple. He cruises around downtown, and when he spots a group of women on the street outside of a trendy club, he pulls up, looks the hottest one straight in the eye, and asks, “Do you like danger?” Often times, she’ll say, “Yes,” and he’d tell her to hop in. Done! As you might guess, he almost always sleeps with the girl after doing this. That’s because they’re doing something forbidden. What he’s asking of her is dangerous…and a HUGE turn on. You see, the same part of her brain that responds to threats also is the part of her brain that generates a sexual response. My friend, whether he’s aware of it or not, is working that neurological link.
And my studies of fanfiction, romance novels, and erotic romance all confirmed this. As I read, I found pages and pages of forbidden acts—stuff like group sex, bondage, sex with people who they shouldn’t have sex with. You want to exude an air of trouble when you’re talking to a woman. You should give off the vibe that hanging out with you could lead to naughty decisions. And if you combine that presence with the physical escalation techniques we’ll get to in the Desire chapter, forget about it. She will practically purr at your touch and open up more sexually than she ever has with another man.
Pillar V: The Lover The Lover ties in with the fifth phase of the Elixir of Eros System: Devotion. When you give like a world-class lover, both emotionally and sexually, you often get even more love in return. It turns out The Beatles were right, after all. Early in my career as a dating coach, I made a rare appearance as a speaker during a men’s dating advice conference in New York City. At Page 73 73 the end of my speech, one of the attendees asked me a question that threw me for a loop. “We all saw the chick you were talking to last night, Mike. Did you go home with her?” I smiled (she was hot, after all). “Yeah.” I said. “Well, we were standing next to you, listening to your conversation, and it sounded really simple and boring. You were just talking about her job and stuff. You didn’t use ANY of the tactics that the other coaches have been talking about today. What’s your secret?” “My secret?” I replied. “Yeah. Like…you must have been doing something to make her want you. What’s your secret, man? Come on. Spill.” I didn’t really think I had a “secret,” but as I stood on that stage with all those expectant eyes staring back, it hit me. What’s the one thing I do that almost no other dating expert does? The thing that allows me to get away with simple, some might even say “boring” conversations? And then it hit me. “Here’s what I do. Every single woman I talk to, I try to fall in love with her just a little bit. I genuinely want to fall in love with all the things that I find amazing about her: her beauty, her personality quirks, everything.” The guy looked confused. “But…tactically, what does that mean you do? Is there a line or a technique you use to make her want to go home with you?” I shook my head. How was I going to get through to this guy? “Dude.
You’re thinking about this all wrong. It’s a mindset. It’s not something you do to elicit a certain response. It’s a way of being that is just universally attractive to women.” He kept pressing me, and I won’t bore you with the rest, but it quickly became apparent that all of the books that he had read and courses that he’d taken had taught him that women are like remote controls. Press a few buttons, and you’ll get a specific response. But the truth is, women are more like plants. Water them routinely with real, genuine love, and she’ll become addicted to that love. She may even eventually love you back. Page 74 74 In Stephen Covey’s famous book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, he talks about love as an action. Many couples fail because they believe it’s a feeling. And when that feeling starts to fade, they wonder what’s wrong with their relationship. But Covey argues that love is something you do. It’s something you give on a continual basis, not some fleeting feeling. I’m not a big believer in the “law of attraction” or all that “woo-woo” spiritual energy stuff, but I do believe, based on what I’ve experienced, that people receive what they give into the world. So if you want a woman to love you, to absolutely be devoted to you, then you must learn to give love in a healthy way. This means being careful not to smother her in love so she ends up feeling trapped. And it also means not withholding it or using it to manipulate her. We’ll go over how best to do this, step-by-step with my favorite techniques, when we get to the Devotion chapter. In A Billion Wicked Thoughts, Dr. Ogas and Dr. Gaddam write that one of the most powerful psychological cues that cause a woman to want a man is the “adoration cue.” They discovered this cue by doing the same thing I did: combing through romance novels and identifying the things that the heroes did to make the female characters addicted to them. And toward the end of the novels, one consistent trend became apparent. The hero, although rugged on the outside, would almost always fall into steady, irrational, and everlasting love. According to the doctors, “Men are quite prone to believing they are inducing feelings of erotic ecstasy in their partner through their own sexual prowess. Women, on the other hand, are more easily manipulated by expressions of love.” There’s a reason why those books sell like crazy! They’re helping fulfill that natural, female desire—and you can, too. Again, do not try to use “fake” love to “manipulate” a woman. First, that doesn’t really work, and second, I’m not trying to teach you to be a manipulative pig. When it comes to love, you really can’t beat the real thing. Often, a woman must feel truly loved in order to love you back.
So make sure you express this, and do so with your actions, not your words. Shower her with affection. Give in abundance what you want Page 75 75 to receive in the world. And if you want love from her, you damn well better be giving her a healthy dose of it.
Think on This Now you get why we had to build your confidence, yes? If you look back on the five pillars, it should be obvious that you’re the one who is assuming power over the situation: you are the lighthouse, you control the gap, it’s your set of traits that you’re selecting for, etc. You simply can’t do this if you don’t first believe in yourself. But you’re also giving her love. You’re guiding her and lifting her up. You’re contributing in a sincere and powerful way for the betterment of the relationship. As we move forward, don’t lose sight of this. Some of these tricks and strategies may seem downright manipulative—almost like you’re cheating in the dating game. But if you come at them from a position of love, you’ll not only maintain your status as a good guy, but you’ll be much more successful, too. Page 76 76
CHAPTER 6 The Elixir of Eros Phase I: Curiosity
“Curiosity is the lust of the mind.” ~ Thomas Hobbes There are five phases of Elixir of Eros System: Curiosity, where you get on a woman’s radar; Infatuation, where she starts to see you as a sexual option; Connection, where you build a deep emotional bond with her; Desire, where you turn her on and get physically intimate; and Devotion, where you make her full-on fall in love with you. Each phase has its own tools and rules to help you achieve your goal. These allow you to smoothly transition from one phase to another when talking up an attractive woman. This is one way the Elixir of Eros stands out. Most “seduction systems” try to force you through one linear pathway, and they usually end up failing for that very reason. They don’t account for the countless variables that often come into play when you’re interacting with a woman. That’s not to say that they didn’t work for the guy who invented them. And maybe for a few of his students. But my goal is for the Elixir of Eros to work for as many men as possible, and thus far, I’ve achieved
that in spades. I’ve tested it on hundreds of men—those who often feel they’re a “hopeless case” in the dating field—and its success rate has been uncanny. The main reason for that is the Elixir of Eros is fluid. Each phase overlaps with the other phase a bit. Page 77 77 There are times where you will go back and forth between two phases. For example, let’s say a girl is a friend of a friend. She’s lives out of town, and you see her every month or two. In this case, you might go back and forth between Infatuation and Connection two or three times before moving on to Desire. So don’t be afraid to use a technique in the “wrong” phase if you think it is appropriate. After all, a woman’s sexual attraction is fluid. Once you meet the landmark of getting her infatuated, it doesn’t mean she’ll be infatuated with you forever. Just because you develop a strong emotional connection with her doesn’t mean that connection is solidified forever. Remember, women’s emotions are like waves—they go up and down and can’t always be predicted. The Elixir of Eros System is not just a system, but also a skill. It’s something you’re going to want to refer back to constantly as you progress. If you put in the time, you will develop a “sixth sense” for knowing when to push forward and when to pull back, for when to move from one phase from the next, and for when to make your big move. All that being said, you should probably start by following the system to a T. Curiosity. Then Infatuation. Then Connection. Then Desire. Then Devotion. First master this system as I lay it out. Then experiment. Freestyle. Make it your own. And over time, that sixth sense will come. And trust me, when that moment happens, it’s going to feel like a super power. You’ll be able to mold the system for use in practically any dating situation. You’ll know what to do and when to do it at all Page 78 78 times, and women will look at you and think, “Wow. This man knows me better than I know myself.”
Me, Me, Me! It was my first time throwing a party for my crew, and I was pumped. The music was on, I had a few bottles chilled, and the lights strung over my back yard during a summer sunset just made the place look swanky. A half hour in, I came back outside with a new bottle of Viogner, and I noticed someone I’d never seen before. She was a solid nine…and she was standing alone with an empty glass. The perfect opening. I walked right up to her, and without asking, filled her glass like I
was Mr. Smooth. The perfect segue. I immediately launched into how I discovered this wine while I was touring France—my uncle has a villa in the Rhone (I’ve been going since I was nine, which is why I chose bistro lights to decorate my yard; they’re trendy in France)—and few people know it, but the correct way of pronouncing the wine is veeohn-yay, and really because of my experience I probably know wine better than anyone else here, and… …and she set her glass down and walked away. I didn’t get it. She had a wine glass, so she must have liked wine. And I really did know wine better than any of my lunkhead friends. What was wrong? It turns out, my approach was way off. I was so busy puffing myself up like a waving, inflatable tube man that I didn’t notice whether or not she cared. Sure, I bragged a lot, but I wasn’t doing anything to make her curious enough to want to talk to me. Page 79 79
Curiosity Kitten Let’s jump right in with the first phase of the Elixir of Eros System: Curiosity. Simply put, if you can’t get on her radar, then nothing else is going to happen. Here’s how you know it might be time to move into the Curiosity Phase with a woman: • You see a girl you like across the room. You want to get her to notice you. • You’ve known or even dated a girl before, but you haven’t been in contact with her for at least six months. • You see a girl you like online or on a dating app. Your first message should always be in the Curiosity Phase. In this crucial first phase you have one and only goal: get her to see you as a potential dating prospect. That’s right. Slow down, turbo. You’re not trying to make her fall in love with you. You’re not trying to turn her on. You’re not even trying to show her how much you two have in common. Too many men fall into the trap of trying to do too much too early. But not you. You’re simply trying to get her to open up to the possibility that you and her might be a good match. I spent much of my career in advertising, and the experience I gained there has been invaluable to my understanding of dating dynamics. Think back to some of the more memorable print ads you’ve seen. I bet each one had some sort of killer headline. Some of the best headlines of all time include: “They laughed when I sat down at the piano—but when I started to play!” “Do you make these mistakes in English?”
“How a ‘fool stunt’ made me a star salesman.” Now, what is the goal of each of these headlines? Is it to close a sale? To build lifelong brand loyalty? No! The goal of any great advertising headline is simply to get the reader curious enough to read the next line. Page 80 80 The Curiosity Phase is much the same. Your only goal is to get her curious enough to continue to talking to you. So as we move through this section, keep that simple goal in mind. You’re just trying to get your foot in the door. Now, often times the curiosity stage starts BEFORE you even meet her. It starts the moment she notices you. And that can happen from afar. That’s when it’s so important to have mastered the fundamentals we covered on early in the book: practicing the confidence secrets, embodying the traits of a man who women chase, knowing exactly what you want. That’s all going to have a powerful, subconscious effect on a woman, an effect that will make her notice you and make her curious about you. Use those sections, in combination with the resources I’m about to give you, and you’ll have a deadly combination. More and more women will take notice of you. Girls you thought were “out of your league” will begin to give you eye contact. And when you get good enough at this stuff, don’t be shocked if attractive women eventually start approaching YOU.
Squad Goals If you want women to chase you, you must first build an environment that facilitates your success. Your social circle is that environment. If you have the right social circle, the game becomes easy. But if you have the wrong social circle, well, good luck, Chuck. Think about the guys who are at the top of their game with women—the ones who women fight over and talk obsessively about with their friends. Are they randos, weirdos, or loners? Or are they respected members of a robust social circle? The vast majority of the time, it’s the latter. Page 81 81 So even if you have a social circle, but it’s full of unattractive people who are not helping you get laid, I have one piece of advice. And I guarantee it’s not the advice you want to hear: cut those people out of your life immediately. Or at very least, limit your time with them. A wise man once said, “You are the sum of the five people you are around the
most,” and in the dating world, that couldn’t be more true. If you hang around people who bring you down, you will subconsciously start to act like them. If they have no goals in life, you will lower your goals and settle for less as well. So you need to cut bait, and do it fast. Who should you hang around instead? Well, the opposite of what I just said is true, too. If you hang around people who are better with women than you, then you’ll start to subconsciously take on their characteristics. But let’s get even more specific than that. Remember when you created your list of “perfect girl” qualities? Right now, I want you to list three to five women you’ve met that meet those standards—the best dating prospects you’ve ever come across—the ones you’d die to make your girlfriend. Got them written down? Great. What type of guys do those girls hang out with? What interests do those guys have? What clothes do they wear? What do those men do in their free time? These are the guys you need to start emulating—and befriending—if you truly want that specific type of girl. Now, if you could never see yourself acting like that type of guy, then I have bad news for you. It might be time to redo that “perfect girl” exercise and reset your aim. Maybe it’s possible you have some resentment, or dare I say, jealousy toward that type of guy. I’ve seen it time and time again with my students. They say they don’t want to act like the type of guys that they need to act like to get the kind of girl they want. If that’s the case, you either need to re-evaluate which type of girl you want, or start acting like the type of man she naturally gravitates toward. Once you’ve found that balance—where you know for sure who you want, and you feel comfortable in her natural social circle—then you Page 82 82 start building what I call your “dream team.” This will be the three to five men you hang out with the most and the three to five women you hang out with the most. The type of women that the men on your dream team date will be a reflection of the girls you will eventually end up dating. And the type of women on your dream team will be a reflection of those girls as well. Luckily, it’s a lot easier to find platonic female friends that are close to your ideal girl than it is to find a girlfriend who is like that girl. Girls love a guy friend who doesn’t try to sleep with her. How do you recruit men for your dream team? Well, if you’re at square one, it’s time to start going to local meet-ups. Even try meetup.com — it works. Or you could join a rec sports team, or Toastmasters, or start volunteering and meeting high-quality people.
Having no social circle is NO excuse not to get started building one. In fact, getting started is easy. It may not seem easy if you’re an introvert, but all it takes is joining that first group or attending that first meet-up, and you’re off and rolling. The key is to identify the activities that the type of men you identified do in their free time, and simply…start going to those same activities. In Dr. Jack Schafer’s new book, The Like Switch, he identified what he calls “The Friendship Formula.” It goes like this: Friendship = Proximity + Frequency + Duration + Intensity. This means that 75% of forming a friendship simply has to do with spending time with someone (Proximity + Frequency + Duration). When I first read that, it threw me off. But then I thought back to all my friends who I was totally indifferent toward the first time I met them. But after hanging out with them more often, they began to grow on me. And before you knew it, we were super close. So, it really does work. But only if you accomplish one thing that Dr. Schafer didn’t mention in his book—not doing anything stupid. Here’s what I mean: in the initial phases of a potential romantic relationship, it’s OK to take risks. If you blow it with a random new girl, it’s not the end of the world, right? There aren’t any major consequencPage 83 83 es. But the initial phases of a potential long-term friendship are much different. What you don’t do is so much more important than what you do. And that’s where I see a lot of guys screw it up—especially guys who have studied “game” or “pickup technique”—they try way too hard to impress a potential new friend—even if it’s a guy. They tell a ridiculous story. Make a crude joke. Aggressively hit on all of his female friends. This is a sure-fire recipe to never get invited back to a social event. And never get a chance to develop the proximity, frequency, duration, or intensity that you need to form a friendship. So for the first few times you hang out in a new social group, be sure to “play it safe.” Don’t risk becoming that guy, you know, the one who everyone quietly grumbles about when he shows up. Test the waters and feel out the social norms of that particular group. And then, once you’ve established your place in that group, you can begin to take some calculated risks. (By the way, for those who are curious about the last part of that equation, “intensity” refers to the strength of your interactions. Are you and your prospective friend only talking about surface-level topics? Or do the conversations eventually get more personal and intense?) Once you solidify your place in a social circle, here’s the secret to safely upping your intensity and climbing to the top of the heap: be a
massive GIVER of value. Is a cool guy throwing a party? Bring alcohol. Bring a cute female friend. Bring an awesome business connection. Give, give, give, give. If you give selflessly to their social events, it will all come back to you eventually—often many times over. If you are a value leech who goes to their events, acts needy when he doesn’t instantly get respect, or immediately starts trying to hit on their women…then don’t be shocked if you’re never invited back. From there, the next step is really where you take it to the next level. Start hosting your own activities. Maybe it’s a sporting event. Maybe it’s a business networking meeting. Maybe it’s a “Game of Thrones” watch party—I’m not going to judge you. This completely depends upon the Page 84 84 type of men you’ve identified as the perfect members of your dream team. It’s very important to take that step, as there is a huge difference between a man who goes to events and a man who throws those events. Don’t forget that. In a social circle, he who throws is always more powerful than he who goes. Now, what about adding girls to your dream team? Well, if you do everything I just outlined, you will naturally meet many of these girls in the process of recruiting men. But if you want to do cold approaches at bars or coffee shops, that’s fine, too. Now, don’t let the idea of, “OMG! I have to go out and meet women!” freeze you up. At this stage, you have one massive advantage working for you with these particular women: you’re NOT trying to sleep with these women. This automatically makes you less creepy, less needy, and more of a safe choice for her. Think of it as the “gay best friend” vibe. Now, it’s crucial that you actually don’t try and sleep with women you want to add to your social circle. Seriously. It’s a bad idea. Creeping out a girl on your dream team or sleeping with the wrong girl can destroy your place in a social circle. Poof! All that work you did to build an amazing, supportive group of friends, gone in an instant. I know it might seem counterintuitive, but keep your eye on the prize. You’re building a MACHINE that is going to practically crank out hot girls and deliver them to your doorstep. You’re putting a little bit of work on the front end in order to make life SO much easier and more effective on the back end. Sound familiar? And trust me, it is so, so worth it. Recommended reading: How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie
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Because You’re Worth It When you meet a woman, you can either do so from a place of “high social value” or “low social value,” and it can have a huge impact on your success. Humans tend to gravitate toward things they value. In the mating game, a girl values many different things, some of which we covered earlier. Now, I know it isn’t necessarily “fair,” but she’s going to very quickly make a snap judgement about your “value” to her. Here are a few common criteria for that judgment: • How many social connections do you have? • Are those the types of connections she values? • What, if anything, does she know about you beforehand? • Did you initiate the meeting, or has she given you any “approach indicators” first, like eye contact or “accidentally” brushing against you? • How high is your “situational” value? For example, are you a rock star with bottle service at the club, or are you some random dude who wants to dance with her to “Baby Got Back”? Are you a speaker at a conference she attended, or are you the janitor for the venue, accosting her in the hallway? You get the idea. Not every social situation is as obvious as this, so to help you sort out exactly what you’re getting yourself into, I’ve created a list of “value tiers.” These are different situations in which you could possibly meet a woman, from “most advantageous” to “least advantageous.” The higher value tier, the more attracted to you she’ll be when you first meet (also, the less work you’ll have to do to seduce her—the fewer tests she’s likely to throw your way). The basic rule is, if you can engineer a situation where you can meet a girl in a higher value tier, always do so. This is why social circles are Page 86 86 so damn important, and it’s why if you want to get the most out of the Elixir of Eros, you’ll spend a few weeks to a few months building an awesome one. Build an amazing, high-value social circle, and you will automatically meet beautiful girls who meet your standards in tiers two through four. Here’s the list: Tier 1: You are a celebrity to her (this could be a local celebrity, like an indie band or a stand-up comedian).
She knows a lot about you and thinks highly of you before you’ve even met. Tier 2: You have a great reputation within your friend group, and she has heard good things about you before meeting you. Tier 3: One of her good female friends introduces you two. Tier 4: One of her good male friends introduces you two. Tier 5: You are at a social gathering with many mutual friends. She notices you and makes eye contact. You approach her. Tier 6: You are at a social gathering with many mutual friends. You cold-approach her without any prior indicators, like eye contact, to invite you over. Tier 7: You are not at a social gathering with mutual friends, but she gives you an approach indicator, like eye contact, and you approach her. Tier 8: You are not at a social gathering with mutual friends, and she has not given you an approach indicator, but you are in a place of high value at the venue, and you approach her. For example, you may be in the VIP section of a club, or a you may be hanging out with loudest, most fun group at a bar. Tier 9: You cold-approach her. She has given you no approach indicators. You have no mutual friends. You do not have high value in the venue. Page 87 87 You’ll notice I haven’t included tiers for meeting a girl online or at work. That’s because, in these situations, you have relatively little control over your initial perceived value. That’s not to say it’s impossible. If you’re online, you’re already on a fairly level playing field, and if you’re at work, you can always focus on building an amazing reputation among your coworkers. Done correctly, you could achieve a work environment that overlaps somewhat with tiers two through six.
A Sharp-Dressed Man This should not be confused with a book about fashion. I’ll freely admit that I’m not even close to being a fashion expert. But I do have one rule: if you are attending an event, and you think you might meet some women there, always dress one step “above” the occasion. This means you dress slightly better than everyone else, but not so much better that it looks like you’re trying to look nice. Is it a t-shirtand-shorts occasion? Wear a high-quality t-shirt, and make sure your outfit is color coordinated. Are all your friends wearing collared t-shirts? Wear a button up and your nicest watch. Is it a formal event
where everyone is wearing tucked in button downs? Step your game up and wear a sport coat. The goal is to dress slightly nicer than the norm. The guys there won’t give a damn, but trust me—the ladies will notice. Page 88 88
Opening Lines If you don’t have an amazing social circle yet, don’t despair. I’ve met hundreds of women who I had no social connection to. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and go for the direct opener. It’s bold. It’s classy. And it’s high-risk, high-reward. Done well, it can be one of your top tools for meeting someone new. Here is my favorite direct opener of all time. Walk up to a girl. It doesn’t matter if it’s day or night. Tap her shoulder to get her attention, and say, “Hey, I saw you standing/sitting/lounging over here, and I couldn’t help but notice [very specific compliment about something fashionable she’s wearing].” For example, “Hey, I saw you standing by the bar, and I couldn’t help but notice how your blue shoes, watch, and blouse all match perfectly…” [Pause for her response, which will probably be something along the lines of “thanks”]. “No problem, my name is Mike, by the way. What brings you out tonight?” Then transition into the conversation. This opener is simple but brutally effective. Think about it: most women spend HOURS on their outfit before they go out. Would you rather be just another asshole who compliments her on her “nice ass,” or would you rather stand out from every other guy by taking the time to notice something unique about her outfit that she spent so much time on? You can’t compliment her on her personality yet because, well, you don’t know her. But complimenting her fashion sense is the next best thing. Because to most women, their fashion is an extension of their personality. Here’s another example. “Hey I saw you sitting over here, and I couldn’t help but notice your bracelet’s woven design. That’s so unique—did you get that here in town? Because it looks like something I saw in Thailand.” Or… Page 89 89 “Hey, I saw you standing over here and I couldn’t help but notice that your necklace and shoes both match your green eyes. I have to
know, was that on purpose?” I know what you’re thinking. “This sounds great, Mike, but I know NOTHING about fashion.” Neither do I. But with a little practice, it’s not hard to notice little quirks in her outfit that were probably done intentionally. Try this: Go out to a coffee shop or a park, some place where many attractive women frequent. Sit there with a notepad or your phone, and every time you see an attractive girl, notice what she’s wearing. Try to figure out what she did intentionally about her outfit—I guarantee it’s more than you think. Then, write down what you’d say to her if you forced to approach her that instant. Like, if someone had a gun to your head and made you do it, what would you come up with? You’re more creative than you think you are, champ. Do this exercise for an hour once or twice, and you’ll develop a quicker wit. You’ll become a poor man’s fashion expert, and you’ll always have an arsenal of things to compliment a woman on. Then, after you feel comfortable, actually go out and DO IT. Compliment women, and—here’s the important part—expect nothing in return. Seriously, and if you don’t feel confident enough to have a conversation with her, then just walk away after you give her the compliment. You will have still probably made her day. If you’re struggling with the fashion thing, or if you just want a solid Plan B in your arsenal, here’s another powerful direct opener to fall back on. “Hey, I saw you standing here, and I thought you were insanely cute, so I had to come say hi. My name is [your name], what’s yours?” Boom. It’s not as specific as the fashion approach, but it still works like a charm. I rarely get a bad reaction from either of these openers. A polite “thank you but I have a boyfriend” is about as bad as it’s been. So, try them out. You really have nothing to lose. Page 90 90
Dive Right In One of the sessions I really like to teach is the dating bootcamp. I bring together three to five guys for four days of hard work with one goal in mind: approach dozens of women, and refine their skills with social interactions. The reason that these bootcamps work so well is because they are an immersive experience. We’re basically throwing our clients into the deep end of the pool, head first, and letting them swim their way out. We don’t expect every bootcamp attendee to go back home and immediately approach five women every day—we’re not training “pickup artists,” after all. But we do know that, when we force a man to ap-
proach dozens of women in such a small period of time, his skills and instincts are going to improve quickly and drastically. At almost every bootcamp, there is at least one guy with extreme “approach anxiety.” Even though he just paid me $4,000, even though he committed to doing anything I told him to do during the bootcamp, even though he knows that approaching all these women will help him improve his dating and sex life, when push comes to shove, fear paralyzes him. He stands there, looking at the girl, and does nothing. Why is this? Because he is focusing on the wrong thing. He is focusing on the fear, the anxiety, the feelings of not being “good enough” for the woman. The mental image of an impending, brutal rejection is weighing heavy on him and clouding out his reasoning. If you’ve ever seen a beautiful woman who you would love to talk to, but you chickened out at the last minute, you probably know the feeling. I know I do (hello, freshman year). But there’s good news: us humans have a hard time focusing on more than one thing at a time. That means, if we shift our focus to something other than the anxiety, we can reduce the grip our fear has on us. So, when approaching a beautiful woman, what should you shift your attention to? Your feet. Seriously. Putting one step in front of the other and walking toward her. Will your left foot to move forward, then your right, Page 91 91 until you’re standing there, in front of that beautiful woman. Simple as that. And when you’re right there in front of her, what do you say exactly? Well, this may be hard to believe, but it doesn’t matter as much as you think. Sure, you now have some tools and openers that could help you, but in my experience, there is one factor that is much more important than the words that come out of your mouth: how long you wait until you approach her. Always try to approach within three seconds of seeing a beautiful, approachable woman. There are two reasons for this: 1) When you give yourself less time to analyze the situation, you will feel more “in the moment” and less “inside your own head.” This will make you come across as much smoother and much less creepy. 2) If you wait minutes or even seconds from that moment, she may no longer be approachable. So, when you see a woman who is in a situation conducive to an approach, take your shot! It may be your only opportunity. Walk first, think about it later. When you practice this, you’ll be shocked at how clever some of
your impromptu pickup lines will be. And again, don’t worry so much about getting it exactly right. An imperfect pickup line where you feel “in the moment” is better than a perfect pickup line when you feel “inside your own head.” Every. Single. Time. So don’t focus on your fear. Simply focus on putting one step in front of the other, and once you’re face to face with that beautiful woman, that’s when you’re able to make the magic happen. Page 92 92
Momentum Momentum is a powerful thing. It is much easier to talk to a beautiful woman after you’ve just talked to three other beautiful women. You feel more at ease. You’ve oiled your gears and had a test run. It doesn’t seem like an insurmountable obstacle anymore. If I’m out looking to talk to women, I always follow this rule: talk to the very first woman you see when you enter a venue. The VERY first. It doesn’t matter if she’s not your type. It doesn’t matter if she’s surrounded by men. It doesn’t matter if she’s there with her boyfriend. Just walk up to her (and the group she’s with), and ask a risk-free question that’s guaranteed to get a somewhat positive response. Here are some of my go-tos: “How is it here tonight? I have some friends in town, and I want to make sure they have a good time.” “Is this the night they have that half price shot special?” Or simply… “What’s up guys?” You are NOT doing this in order to get a specific response. You’re doing it for YOU (although I’ve never gotten a bad response). Notice how much more confident you feel after that first, quick conversation. Notice how much less daunting it feels to socialize and talk to people after this. Notice how it boosts your mood and automatically improves your body language. If you DON’T do this, it’s easy to build the opposite effect—negative momentum. You see a girl you should talk to, and you wuss out. You see another girl, and, well, you didn’t talk to the first one, so it’s not as big of a deal to not talk to this one either, right? Pretty soon, you’re caught in a downward spiral, and you spend all your energy climbing out—if you can. It’s the same thing that happens when someone cheats on their diet. They think, “Well, I already had that slice of pizza, so what’s the harm in a double cheeseburger?” Don’t let momentum become your enemy. Make it into your ally. Use positive momentum, and talk to the very first girl you see.
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Indirect Effect Sometimes, walking up to a woman and directly expressing your interest in her is socially inappropriate. Let’s say you’re at a work function or a gathering where you have many mutual friends. The risk might outweigh the reward. In my opinion, this situation is the exception, not the rule. Being direct with a woman is by far the most efficient method to meet her if you can pull it off. If your only excuse for not doing it is, “I don’t like the feeling of rejection,” then boo hoo. It’s time to drop your sack, act like a man, and express your interest in her. But if there is a legit reason why you can’t be direct, there are other ways. You may have heard of the “opinion opener” before—it’s often a favorite of folks who tout themselves as “pick-up artists.” Unfortunately, those pick-up artists usually aren’t experts getting women obsessed enough to give chase. I know a lot of these people, actually. Nice guys, just not the most effective. Having a friendly, non-threatening conversation with a stranger is a starkly different skill than making a woman go after you. And if your intention is to make a girl you’ve never met before addicted to you, then a bold approach is almost always best. However, if you must approach a woman indirectly, here are some good ways of doing so: 1) An observation about the environment. For example: **Nudge her** “Oh my god, look at that little guy dancing his ass off in the corner. He’s having more fun than everyone else in the room combined.” Or… “Gosh, I was so tempted to order the chai latte that that lady got, but with all that sugar, I’d feel bad about myself for days.” Or… Page 94 94 “What is it with all the girls in high heels and fancy dresses tonight? I see you’re dressed casual too. I feel like we didn’t get invited to the classy kids’ party, haha.” 2) A playful bet. For example: (While waiting for a drink at the bar) “I bet I get served before you. I’m dangerously good at getting the bartender’s attention.” Or… “Ten bucks says that guy at the bar either passes out or gets kicked
out in the next 15 minutes.” Or… “I’ll bet you ANYTHING that the barista puts the wrong name on my drink. He always does. The struggles of having a three-syllable name.” 3) The classic “opinion opener.” They’d probably revoke my dating guru card if I didn’t go over this. Opinion openers are some of the most played-out openers of all time. Women have mostly smartened up to them, so, if I go with this type of opener, I try to keep it simple and playful. For example: “Hey, I’ve got a question for you guys. My friend and I want to settle this once and for all: whiskey or tequila. Don’t think; just answer. You? Whiskey? Ok, what about you? Tequila! Yes!” Or… “Hey, I noticed you were reading on your Kindle. I was thinking about getting one, but there’s something about turning a page on a real, old-fashioned book that I feel like I’d miss. Was it worth it?” Really work to customize it to the situation at hand. I used this exact opener at the grocery store, of all places. It helped me score a date with a smoking hot Chinese girl. “Hey, you seem like an expert in frozen fruits. Should I get the berry mix or the strawberry-banana-pineapple mix? I just can’t risk making a sub-par smoothie.” Page 95 95 4) The “Am I right?” opener. This one is best if you have a great wingman. At a bar, whoever is having the most fun is generally valued the highest by women. Start a conversation with your friend. It can be about absolutely nothing. You can be debating which type of potato chip you like best, for all I care. Talk as loudly as possible, and use many hand gestures. Women will notice, although they probably will have no idea what you’re talking about. When a cute girl passes by you, tap her on her shoulder and ask, “Am I right?” She’ll reply, “What?” Then you say, “We’re having a serious debate. Just nod and agree with me. I need you as back up!” She’ll usually laugh and nod and say something to the effect of, “Oh yeah. You’re definitely right!” Then jump right into, “What’s your name by the way? I’m [your name].” Nine times out of ten, she’ll forget about your debate and just consider herself lucky to be talking to the guy who is having the most fun in the venue.
3…2…1…Eye Contact I’m going to hit you with something that might shock you. Women have been secretly checking you out. That’s right, I don’t care how ugly or awkward you think you look. You are some girl’s “type,” and that type of girl has definitely checked you out. The problem is, you just haven’t trained yourself to notice. It wasn’t until I went to a bar with one of my mentors, Christian Hudson, that I learned this lesson. “Dude, did you see that girl in the corner checking you out?” I laughed. “No, you must be seeing things.” Page 96 96 Two minutes later… “Wow that blonde girl at the bar is eye-fucking you.” I told him to stop trying to be nice. “Dude, girls just don’t do that. Especially not to below-average-looking guys like me.” An hour later, he pointed to a smoking hot brunette girl in a tight blue dress that showed just the perfect amount of ass. “Seriously. If you don’t believe me that that girl was staring at you, then I’m going to approach her FOR you.” I still didn’t believe him, so he went for it. “Hey, my friend, Mike, thinks you’re really attractive. You should come meet him.” She gladly did, and I was thrust into a surprisingly energetic conversation. I got her number and took her on three dates over the next two weeks. After that night, I trained myself to be on the lookout for eye contact from women. And as soon as I started looking for it, what I found amazed me. Girls were giving me eye contact all the time. So I made a rule: when you and a woman lock eyes, NEVER be the first person to break it. If she holds the eye contact for more than a full second, then immediately approach her. And that’s what I did. Every time a girl made eye contact with me, whether at a bar or on the street, for more than the count of “One Mississippi,” I walked up to her and introduced myself. I found that about nine times out of ten, the women wanted me to approach her. You see, women rarely approach men. Society has trained them that it’s the man’s job to do that. So she has to do the next best thing—give you an indicator that hints that she wants you to approach her. And eye contact is the surest indicator that a woman wants to be approached. If you want to talk to more women who are already interested in you, then start looking for eye contact. And when you get it, don’t hesitate. Walk up to her and say, “Hi. I saw you standing over here, and I knew I’d be kicking myself all week if I didn’t come up and introduce myself.
My name is [your name].” You’ll be shocked by how many positive responses you get. Page 97 97
Love Me Tinder If you’re single and you’re not on dating apps like Tinder, OKCupid, Hinge, Happn, and Bumble…you’re leaving hundreds of thousands of potential matches on the table. These apps are a treasure trove of hot girls. In fact, since I’ve been on Tinder, I’ve met way more attractive single women on the app than I’d ever met at bars and clubs. These apps are less work, more fun, and less stressful than going out and hitting some “scene.” And the best part is, it’s becoming more and more “normal” for hot girls to be on dating apps. As recent as five years ago, there was a stigma around online dating. People thought that it was weird, uncomfortable, and only for “losers” who couldn’t get a date in “real life.” My, oh my, how times have changed. Now, younger, more attractive women are relying on these apps to find dates. The “iPhone Generation” of Millennials are more and more dependent on their phones and tablets, and the convenience of meeting hot guys from the comfort of their own home has become irresistible. I remember when I first heard about Tinder. It was about three years ago, and I was visiting my friend, Aaron, in Austin, TX—a city with some of the most beautiful women in the United States. “That all sounds weird,” I told him. “Dude, just try it. You’ll love it. Trust me.” I got the app. And the first two girls that pop up? University of Texas cheerleaders. I swiped right, indicating that I liked them both, and lo and behold, one of them liked me back! The more I swiped, the more I was shocked by the quality of hot, young women. I was hooked. Over the course of the next three years, I went on over 130 dates with girls I met on this app alone. And when the girl ends up being someone I like, I “close the deal” more often than not. It’s really so easy, it’s not even fair. But here’s the kicker. Since I got on all these dating apps, I’ve met so many new women that I’ve gotten dangerously good at first dates. It’s routine to me now. I’m never nervous anymore simply because I’m so Page 98 98 damned experienced. So when I do meet “Ms. Right,” I know the exact date to take her on to make her extremely attracted to me. There are entire books on Tinder and dating app strategy. This is not one of them. But, as a bonus to buying this book, you get the book,
Tinder Hacks, where my friend Blake goes into much more depth than I do in this section. For now, I’ll give you a brief overview of my personal strategy for crushing it on Tinder and other dating apps: Step 1: Create an Amazing Profile Pick great photos of you doing fun activities. I like to have one solo photo of me; one photo of me doing a fun, outdoor activity like paddle boarding, rock climbing, hiking, kayaking, etc. (bonus points if I’m with a cute dog); one photo of me with a fun group of friends; and one photo of me doing something silly, like a funny Halloween costume or a photo of me making a silly face with my friends. Research has shown that women interpret photos taken by someone else (i.e. NOT a selfie) to be more attractive. It’s also been proven that when you look away from the camera on your main picture, women are more likely to swipe right. And when you don’t smile, a woman is also more likely to swipe right (although I break this rule a lot—I have a damn good smile). If you are unsure of which photos to use, sign up for photofeeler.com, which allows people to anonymously rate your photos. This can give you a good indication of which photos you look most attractive in. Step 2: Send a Compelling First Message By now, you know the importance of your first words to a woman. This is no different on an app. Even here, it’s best to customize your opening, rather than relying on canned lines. Don’t you dare send something generic and boring like “Hey.” She’ll be much more likely to respond if she senses that you took the time to read her profile and look for clues in her pictures. So, you actually have to, you know, do that. Page 99 99 Here are some examples of unique messages I’ve sent that have gotten positive responses: “Rowers = my kryptonite. If you have great lats, I’m hooked :)” (Sent to a girl on her school’s rowing team.) “If we started a book club, what’s the first book you’d give me as required reading? ;) (Sent to a girl whose profile said she loved reading.) “Love the Ninja Turtles tank top. I have a Power Rangers one (Red Ranger, obviously). If we ever fall in love, let’s wear our tank tops out together, act like it’s still the 90’s, and make everyone else jealous because of how much fun we’re having. You game?” Also, some dating apps now allow you to send animated GIFs instead of texts. This is a GREAT opportunity to find a picture that will make her laugh, stand out from all the boring “Hey, QT.” messages, and get a response.
Step 3: Get to Know Her Using the SAME Techniques in This Book Dating apps are an amazing practice arena for real-life interactions. You can take as much time as you want to think of the perfect, clever response. And if she’s not giving you much to work with, don’t be afraid to fall back to asking “typical” questions. Just make them playful. For example: “So, what do you do for fun in New Orleans? Let me guess. You party on Bourbon Street every single day? ;)” Or… “What do you study at Vanderbilt? Let me guess. Math major. You look like a real number cruncher ;)” In general, I like our conversation to be at least six to eight messages (three to four each) before I ask for her number. But if the conversation is going great, and you guys are connecting, don’t be afraid to let it drag on a little longer! Step 4: Ask Her Out When it comes time to pull the trigger, here’s my go-to line: Page 100 100 “Anyways, you seem like a potentially awesome girl. How do you feel about grabbing a drink sometime and continuing this conversation offline?” If she’s ready for a date, she’ll agree. And then you’ll respond with something like: “Great! Let’s coordinate over text. My number is [your number], what’s yours?” The reason you’re giving her your number is to invoke reciprocity. She’s probably not going to save the number, but the mere act of giving it to her makes her much more likely to give you her number back. Step 5: Lock in a Date over Text Send her a message with something along the lines of: “Hey it’s [your name] from Tinder! How’s it going?” Seems like a lame text, right? Nothing really flashy at all? True, but it just plain works, mainly because it’s easy to respond to. And that’s all you want right now—just a response from her. You don’t want her to have second thoughts and say, “Ugh, why did I give that guy my number?” So best to keep it safe for now. When she responds, immediately talk logistics, and tell her some dates/times you’re free during the next seven days. For example: “So, I’m free Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday evening next week. Which of those work best for you?” This works much better than putting the onus entirely on her and asking, “So, when are you free to meet up?” because you’re giving her
too many options. It’s just basic psychology. When given a limited number of options, a person is much more likely to pick one. Think about a menu with three options versus one with twenty-five options. Which menu are you likely to choose faster with? And which menu are you more likely to tell the waiter, “Uhhhh, let me have another minute?” Once you have your date set up, just follow the same advice in this book, and you’re good to go. Page 101 101 Before we move on, I want to give you one caveat that to this whole dating app thing: it’s a numbers game. Big time. Girls will drop off every step of the way. Most girls are flooded with messages and won’t respond to your first one. Some girls will drop off in the middle of the conversation. Some girls will stop talking to you after you ask to exchange numbers. And about half of all girls you schedule dates with will cancel on you for one reason or another. That is OK! You could either get frustrated about it and wish you lived in some fantasy world where every girl responded to every text, or you could accept the fact that you live in reality…and just message more girls. When a girl drops off along the way, don’t take it personally. Don’t get angry at her, and don’t beat yourself up. It happens to the best of us, and it’s all part of the game. Just make sure you message a high quantity of women every day, and don’t get too attached to any one woman. Remember, it’s still easier than going to the bar, building up the courage to approach a woman, and having a raging hangover the next day if you drank too much.
Oh, Snapchat! I would be remiss if I didn’t tell you about one social app that has recently—and drastically—changed my dating life. It’s not Facebook. It’s not Instagram. And it’s not a dating app like Tinder. It’s Snapchat, and it’s here to stay. In case you’ve been living under a rock, here’s how it works. You can send photos or short, ten-second videos to your friends. After that, they disappear. The fact that the videos disappear forever after watching them adds a level of scarcity and addictiveness to the app. You’d better watch that Page 102 102 “snap” now, and pay attention, because after one view it’ll be gone forever. But in late 2014, Snapchat added a feature that is a huge opportunity
for single guys: The Story. In your Story, you can post pictures or videos that stay live for twenty-four hours. Watching your friends’ Stories is addictive. And if you consistently have fun, interesting stories, if you consistently live (and snap) a life that girls look at and think, “Gee, I wouldn’t mind being a part of that,” then you’ve given yourself a major advantage over the dozens of other guys she knows that either aren’t living fun lives or aren’t giving her the opportunity to see how much fun they are having. I can’t even begin to count the amount of girls who I fell out of touch with over the years who then added me on Snapchat. And when they saw my fun, exciting Stories, well, let’s just say my phone started blowing up. I was stunned at how many women suddenly wanted to be in my life. And my success fed upon itself. When I first started using Snapchat, I didn’t live an especially exciting life. But once I started getting messages from girls on the app, some of whom I thought I’d blown my shot with YEARS ago, I was hooked. I started making my life more exciting strictly for the Snapchat Story. It may sound vain, but Snapchat FORCED me to live a more exciting life. When my friends asked me to come play laser tag with them, I would think, “Ugh, I really don’t want to go out this evening.” But then it would hit me. “Wait, how awesome would this look on Snapchat?” My social life became more exciting, and more and more women started messaging me. It became such a powerful tool for me that for a while I stopped asking for women’s phone numbers altogether. I started asking for their Snapchat instead. We would add each other right there, and from then on, I wouldn’t have to do ANY work to make her like me. She would just look at my exciting Story and want to hang out. It was like magic. Here are some great ways to make your Stories more fun and attractive to women: Page 103 103 TIP 1: Avoid Boring Monologues or Selfies These are boring, unattractive, and played out. They don’t make you look social, and they don’t show women that anything exciting is going on in your life. TIP 2: Focus on Fun Activities Mini golf. A movie premier. Ziplining. A new group workout. Mountain climbing. All the activities that you know deep down are attractive—and you know you should be doing. Start doing them. And start snapping them. TIP 3: Snap Any Awkward or Exciting Moments You Witness Weird Uber driver talking his butt off? Snap it. Is a guy using a piece
of gym equipment in a hilariously wrong way? Snap it. Are there dozens of police cars surrounding a house? Snap it. TIP 4: Make Them FUNNY and DRAMATIC Don’t just snap the activity. Add silly commentary or text, specifically, commentary that adds to some sort of storyline. A clumsy friend. A weird guy at the gym. A bartender who may or may not be trying to get you drunk. Add some DRAMA and STORY to it, and make it silly. “John has fallen off of his bike THREE TIMES this trip. Step up your game, buddy.” “What happens when you don’t do leg day” (while snapping that guy at the gym with chicken legs). “The bartender accidentally poured me a double. #Blessed #AlreadyTipsy” TIP 5: Include Attractive Girls in Your Snaps—but Don’t Be a Douche about It The more attractive girls that are with you in your Story, the more other girls will get jealous. Just don’t make it look intentional. Don’t go up to a group of girls you don’t know and ask them to take a snap with you unless you have a REALLY funny tagline to go with it. Page 104 104 A few months ago I met a gorgeous blonde at a day party. We played cornhole, I snapped it, added it to my Story, and I didn’t think twice about it. Then, THREE GIRLS who I met up with afterward asked me about her. “Who is she?” “Are you still hanging out with her?” That’s the kind of subtle jealousy you want to create in your snaps. So download the app, live life to the fullest, and snap every awesome moment of it.
Think on This Though the whole process of winning the woman of your dreams can feel daunting, if you’ve made it this far, congratulations! The biggest, most important hurdle to overcome is just getting her to notice you as someone who could have some dating potential, and you’ve just done that. Give yourself a pat on the back and maybe a celebratory beverage. Then get ready to get your ass to work, because there’s plenty to be done. Let’s not fool ourselves, you didn’t exactly take her from 0 to 100 with this phase, but you did get things moving. And as my man, Newton, said, an object in motion will stay in motion unless something else stops it. It’s now your job to make sure nothing else stops it. You now have to clear the way for the natural, primal course of sexual tension at work. Page 105
CHAPTER 7 The Elixir of Eros Phase II: Infatuation “When you develop an infatuation for someone, you always find a reason to believe that this is exactly the person for you.” ~ Leonardo DiCaprio In the last phase, you got on her radar. You got her to consider the possibility that she might be interested in you. In this phase, your goal is to solidify her interest in you. You’ll be taking her from thinking, “Who is this guy?” to “This guy is really interesting and kind of attractive. I want to know more about him.” Some signs that you are ready to move on to the Infatuation Phase are: • You’ve started a conversation with her, and she stays in that conversation for more than thirty seconds. • You met her online, and you’re on your first date. You’ve already had plenty of communication, so you can often jump right into Infatuation here. • You have a female friend who you want to date or have sex with. You’ve decided you’re willing to risk your friendship to make this happen. Since you’re already on her radar, you would jump right to this phase. Page 106 106
A Cheesy Line I was pumped. I was about a minute into a conversation with this smokin’ redhead, and we were really hitting it off. The conversation turned to food, which not only is a passion of mine, but I knew from the movies that it could quickly turn sensual. “…but my real guilty pleasure food is cheese.” She bit her lip ever so slightly. It was like the world just gave me the green light. “Me too! My favorites are generally goat’s and sheep’s milk cheeses. They’re far superior to the garden variety cheddar or mozzarella. They’re the most historically accurate, you know. Hey! Did you know that cheese making is believed to have begun well over 5,000 years ago, when ancient nomadic herdsmen stored milk in the stomachs of their slaughtered goats and sheep?” At this point, I’d turned to her full-on and could barely contain my hand gestures. “The natural acids and rennet would ferment and coagulate the milk into sort of a squishy, yogurt-like substance, which, as the herdsman walked and jostled the stomach, would separate out into
liquid whey and a solidified concentration of casein proteins and milk fat—which we now refer to as cheese…” “Um, I think I just became vegan. It was nice talking to you, cheese boy.” Now, I’d like to think that my knowledge of culinary history gives me depth of character—it makes me unique. But once I’d turned my full focus onto something I alone found interesting—and crushed our gap in the process—I’d stopped being fun. And it drove her away faster than Mario Andretti. Page 107 107
They Call Me Dr. Feelgood So, how exactly do you solidify her interest in you? Simple. By making her feel good. Every technique I’m going to introduce in this section is going to trigger the release of one insanely important chemical in her brain: dopamine. Dopamine is the “pleasure” chemical of our brains. It gets released when you do something exciting or fun: when you listen to good music, when you have a fond memory, even when you gamble or do drugs. And dopamine is extremely addictive, which is, remember, one of our main goals. The Elixir of Eros System is designed to get her straightup addicted to you – which truthfully, is the same thing as making her fall in love with you. The Infatuation Phase is where you plant the seeds of that addiction. It’s all about making her feel good feelings and making her associate those good feelings with YOU. When you can successfully make her feel these fun, addictive emotions, she’ll want to keep talking to you. She’ll want to hang out with you again. She’ll want to know more about the man who is making her feel these things. She’ll want to feel what you make her feel again. That’s why, in this phase, we’re going to keep things light-hearted. It’s important to maintain a playful and fun dynamic, because seriousness can be a dopamine killer. Think back to when you were a kid. Anytime the conversation got too “grown up,” you couldn’t wait to get out of there. Maybe you’d go to great lengths to distract yourself from the bore-fest that was carrying out in front of you. Keep that in mind as we enter the Infatuation Phase. We don’t want the dynamic to get too heavy. Instead, we want to maintain almost a childlike joy. Play. Make stupid jokes. Don’t put any pressure on her, and avoid negative topics like the plague. Keep everything fun. If you can pull that off, you’ll be opening the gates to your girl’s dopamine stores in no time…and starting the process of getting her completely addicted to you.
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Pace and Lead There is a common concept among persuasion experts and hypnotists called “pace and lead.” Basically, it says that if you want to convince someone of something, you must first meet them at their natural state of being, and then slowly lead them toward your way of thinking. Let’s say you support make believe presidential candidate Aaron Anderson, and your friend supports his fierce rival, Brian Baker. If you wanted to convince your friend to vote for Aaron Anderson—a tall task in this heated political world—here’s what you wouldn’t want to do: yell at him about how wrong he is, debate with him, give him point after counterpoint about why he (and by extension, everybody) shouldn’t vote for Brian. Because what will this cause him to do? Dig in. Volunteer for Brian’s campaign. Maybe put a sign on his lawn. If you really wanted to align him with your way of thinking, you’d have to meet him where he’s at. And you’d start by telling him everything that his candidate, Brian Baker, does right. Maybe something like, “I really think Brian is right about issues A, B, and C, and I think he’s coming from a place of honesty and integrity.” And then, after a few minutes, “I just think that when making a decision—and you’re free to make whatever decision you choose—we should also consider issues X, Y, and Z. These issues actually affect you a lot, so at very least, you owe it to yourself to know where both sides stand.” Then, after you’d gotten your friend to open up to the possibility of a new way of thinking, you could introduce a stronger argument for Aaron Anderson being the right choice. What does this all have to do with dating and women? Well, you want to do something similar throughout your interaction—especially with your body language. You can’t just expect her to be instantly all over you, touching you, tugging on your arm, and stroking your hair. You have to subtly lead her to that point. Many times, when you first start talking to a woman, her shoulders and hips will be pointing away from you—completely closed off body language. Most guys, if they notice this, immediately turn their Page 109 109 hips and shoulders completely toward her to try to demand her attention. This only ends up making her feel smothered, like you’re trying too hard. And it almost guarantees that she’ll never feel the need to chase you. So what’s the right way to do it? If her body is turned forty-five degrees away from yours, turn yours
forty-five degrees in the opposite direction. This makes it appear as if you are just as distant as she is. You’re creating a gap between the two of you, and if you do everything else right, she’ll want to fill it. So, when it comes to her body language, always “pace” or “mirror” where she’s currently at. And then, as the interaction gets longer and better, “lead” her to where you want her to be. Slowly turn your body toward her. Slowly give her more eye contact. It’s like you’re dancing. Lead her to where you want to go. And just like your political friend, she’s going to be MUCH more likely to want to follow your lead if you begin by setting the pace to where she naturally is. This works for more than just body language. If she’s in a relaxed, low-key mood, don’t come at her all amped up and try to get her to dance. If she is in a high-energy mood, don’t try to be mister smooth and have a long conversation with her. You have to come in with the same energy that she’s at. The closer you can match a woman’s body language and emotional state, the more rapport she is going to feel with you right away. And that’s going to open all kinds of doors for you.
The Takeaway You’ve paced her body language. You’ve led her so that she’s now turned toward you and giving you solid eye contact. What next? Well, you could just keep the conversation going, mirroring her body language and moving forward until you eventually lead her into bed. Page 110 110 There’s nothing wrong with that approach. You would still get better results than 90% of men. But you’re an Elixir of Eros Insider. This means your goal is to make her chase you. So now you’re going to add another powerful ingredient to the mix: the takeaway. This subtle but powerful move is the first step in making her chase you. To demonstrate, let’s take a look at a situation that almost every man has experienced. You’re talking to an attractive girl, and the conversation is going well. You’re even starting develop a bit of a crush on her. She’s just too perfect, and best of all, she’s into you. Then, BOOM! Out of nowhere, her attention starts to wander. Maybe she pulls out her phone. Maybe she sees a friend and she asks you to wait there while she goes and says hi to them. Maybe she just turns away ever so slightly. What does this make you feel? The fear of loss. Something is going horribly wrong, and you suddenly need to step your game up. You have to lock this girl down before she gets away. “Loss aversion” is one of the most powerful psychological principles on Earth. According to world-renowned psychologist and best-selling
author, Daniel Kahneman, the prospect of losing something is twice as powerful, mentally, as the prospect of gaining something. For example, the prospect of losing $100 is twice as painful as the joy of winning $100. And when a man or a woman feels that they may lose something they value, their natural instinct is to avoid that loss, to chase the object of their desire before it gets away. So once you get a girl to mirror your body language, what do you do to keep her eyes from wandering? Every once in a while you’re going to subtly—and that’s key, subtly—make her feel a small “fear of loss.” Here are a few ways you can do this: 1) Turn your body slightly away from her, and scan the venue. Don’t be a dick about it, but it’s OK to be a bit ADD at times and look at what else is going on in the venue. This subtly shows her that it’s not a given you’re going to keep talking to her. She has to earn your attention. Page 111 111 2) Greet your other friends. If you’re out at a bar or a club, and you have other friends there, always say hi to your other friends as they arrive. Not only does this take the focus off of her briefly, it also shows her that your friends are your priority. She hasn’t earned the right to be your friend just yet. 3) Talk to other girls. If you feel like you’re lingering in the Infatuation Phase with her, and you’re struggling to move into the Connection Phase, don’t be afraid to tell her, “I’ll be right back,” and go talk to another girl! This may just be the motivation she needs to realize you’re the best choice to hang out with for the rest of the night. 4) Take a step back from her after she says something you don’t agree with. For example, you could say, “You’re a Red Socks fan? Oh my god. I can’t even talk to you anymore,” and then step away. Notice as she moves toward you and begins to chase. You’ll get a TON of verbal tools to subtly make her feel the fear of loss. But the point is that it’s much more powerful if you can do it with your actions and body language. Remember the “cat/string theory.” You don’t want to diss her, offend her, or make it too much work for her to start chasing you. Yet you want to create just enough distance to make her feel like she has to close that gap. And that’s really what becoming an Elixir of Eros Insider is all about. The more practice you get with these techniques, the more you’ll get a feel for the perfect gap with a girl. How much fear of loss can you get away with? How far can you go without offending her? Keep sharpening these techniques, and you’ll develop a natural, killer instinct for that sweet spot.
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The Power in the Mundane Most “pick-up artists” and dating advice “experts” urge their students to have some very strange conversations with women. They’re fond of selling people on routines and canned stories in a one-size-fitsall approach. I teach a much more natural route. In fact, I encourage my students not to shy away from the “typical” conversation questions and topics, stuff like: What do you do for work? What’s your major? How long have you been in this city? What do you do for fun? This is a conversation you’re going to have over and over again throughout your life, just by default. So, why not use that organic repetition as practice? Get better and better at this type of conversation until you can absolutely crush it. Then, instead of avoiding it and acting like some weird pick-up artist’s routine is the better way to go…why not embrace this conversation? It could come in handy if you’re ever at a loss for what to say. The key to making this work is to have an exciting response to what she says. She tells you she’s an accountant? Make fun of her for being a math geek. She says she’s a psychology major? Accuse her of playing mind games to try to win you over. She says she’s lived in this city her whole life? Make light of the fact that she probably hates newcomers like you, moving in and ruining her once great city. She says she likes to go to Bourbon Street in New Orleans for fun? Tease her for being an alcoholic, and tell her you can never hang out again…because you’ll have too much fun together. And then when she asks you a boring question back? Page 113 113 Be ready with an exciting answer. Hell you’ll have so much practice with this conversation, it will be tough not to talk about your job, your history, and what you do for fun in an exciting way. Talk about the purpose of your job. If you’re a construction worker, tell her you help build some of the tallest buildings in the city, and you get the perk of a free workout every day on the job. Talk about the excitement of living in your city. Tell her you’ve been
here for X amount of years, and list some of the things you love about it so far. Are you in college, and a girl asks you your major? Talk about what you want to do with your major—your mission in life. Or say she asks what your hobbies are, and you love running in the morning. Talk about the feeling of being the only one out every morning and seeing the whole city wake up as you feel the wind whip by your face. Don’t avoid these “typical” conversations. Embrace them, and use the tools in the rest of this book to dominate them.
Obstacle Course Obstacles are the lifeblood of the Elixir of Eros. They are the secret ingredient that makes a woman give chase. Remember Dr. Jack Morin’s erotic equation: Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement Attraction by itself isn’t enough. You need obstacles to amplify it. And the Infatuation Phase is the perfect time to start introducing obstacles. What is an obstacle, exactly? For our purposes, it’s any logical reason or outside factor that prevents you from dating or hooking up with a girl. Page 114 114 This may seem counterintuitive, but at this stage, the key is to put a magnifying glass on the reasons why you wouldn’t want to date her and to make these obstacles playful. Playful. This is crucial. Saying things like these with a straight face will do more harm than good: “I don’t like you.” “You’re a hairdresser? I can’t stand hairdressers.” “I could never date you.” But depending on the girl, if you were to say some of these things playfully it could work to your advantage. So what is it exactly that makes a statement playful? First and foremost, exaggeration. This is the easiest way for her to pick up that you’re joking. Exaggerate your body language and playful vocal tone when making a comment that pushes her away. This includes wearing a huge, over the top smile on your face. Always do that. Keep in mind that, though your friends may know and recognize your subtle tics and facial cues when you’re joking, a girl in the Curiosity Phase won’t know you that well, so you’ll have to exaggerate in order to convey that you’re being playful. You never want to get a response of “I can’t tell if you’re joking or not.” This exaggeration should carry all the way down to your words.
Don’t be afraid to make your statement a tad ridiculous. Add some contrast to what you’re saying so that she is more likely to disagree with it. For example: “You’re super cool, but I could never date you. We’re too damn similar and have way too much in common. We’d probably end up hating each other if we hung out too often.” Do you see how contrasting this statement is? It doesn’t even make logical sense. But here’s a little secret: many of the best lines don’t. She’s super cool, yet you don’t want to date her. You have so much in common, yet you’d end up hating each other if you kept hanging out. Her instinct is going to be to disagree with you, which is exactly what you want. By disagreeing with you about never being able to date, she’s already subtly started to chase you. Page 115 115 Here’s another example: “God, you’re amazing. But I wish you weren’t blonde. Blonde girls are my kryptonite. If it weren’t for you being blonde, I’d probably fall in love with you.” Boom. A very obvious obstacle. This throws her for a loop. You’re giving her all these compliments, yet there’s this one thing preventing her from ever having you—her hair color. Something so insignificant and absurd that she’s probably already changed a few times. But still, you’re at an impasse, and she now feels a need to make you want her again. She’ll probably start out by deconstructing your statement. “Why do you hate blondes? We’re great.” Even if she gives you a short response like, “Yeah, right,” it’s still not bad. What you said had some effect on her. The best response of all, though, is if she plays along with your silliness. She might say something like, “Oh yeah. Us blondes are the worst. We would be an awful match for each other.” You may have heard of this. It’s called flirting. She recognizes the obvious attraction between you two, yet she’s willing to playfully focus on your differences. Here’s another example: “God, you are just too much fun. We have to stop hanging out, or else we’re going to get in trouble.” She may respond with, “What do you mean, ‘trouble?’” And you could come back with, “Well, I just feel like if we keep hanging out, it’s going to be too much of an adventure. Like we’re either going to end up married in Vegas by the end of the night, or in jail. Or both. Either way, you’re way too much fun. We should quit while we’re ahead.” You’re creating a playful, dramatic storyline. She knows you’re joking, but her infatuation for you doesn’t care. She still feels the effect.
Her attraction for you increases, and just as importantly, she becomes emotionally engaged in the conversation. If you want to add to the dramatic element of the conversation, here’s another short but simple line that I love using: “I feel like we’re either going to become BFFs or mortal enemies… nothing in between.” Page 116 116 Do you see how this creates a different type of contrast? You’re concluding that your interaction with her is going to end up with you being one of two possible things: her “best friend forever” or a hated enemy. As humans, we’re wired for what psychologists call “all-or-nothing thinking.” We have the tendency to believe that an event is either going to be completely disastrous or absolutely wonderful, and we fail to see that nearly every event actually falls somewhere in between. By making our playful obstacles contrast, we play off of that unpleasant reality in human nature. We are activating her emotional, animal brain by calling her attention to an all-or-nothing scenario. It’s in her nature to want the positive “all” scenario rather than the negative “nothing” scenario.
You Tease Effective flirting doesn’t change much, the older you get. The strategies that worked as a kid on the playground are still pretty damn solid today. Because women want a guy who is fun, who is still in touch with that playful inner child. And what is the #1 playground technique that is used by boys all across the world to make girls like them? Teasing. “Sally is GROSS!” “Oh my god, Sally looks like she has a bug in her hair!” “Don’t trip and fall like you did last time Sally! You klutz!” Ok, maybe we shouldn’t use those exact techniques. We have grown up a bit since the playground days, and we should be a little more… um…refined in our approach. First, let’s dig into the theory of teasing. Once we unpack it a bit, then we can get into some of my best teasing techniques. Page 117 117 Teasing is similar in a lot of ways to setting up playful obstacles. When done right, it certainly is playful. And it creates the sense of an obstacle, which is a vital part of the Elixir of Eros System. Think of teasing as an even more obvious approach. With playful obstacles, there is at least a hint of uncertainty about whether or not you are joking. With teasing, you are just straight up making fun of
her—albeit with a huge smile on your face. There should be little to no ambiguity about the fact that you aren’t being serious. Here are my two favorite ways to tease women: Playful False Assumptions This is where you take a statement she makes and make an outlandish assumption based off of it. She says, “Yeah, I work in insurance. I love it!” You say, “Oh gosh, so you’re that lady who tries to nickel and dime me after some crazy person crashes into me! I bet this is all a ruse to try and squeeze me for a few extra dollars for that time last year when the ninety-year-old woman hit me with her Buick. Be honest, are you on an undercover mission from the insurance company to get that last $75 you wanted?” Or maybe she tells you, “I study literature.” You respond, “Oh, so you’re one of those bookworms that reads fourteen hours a day and never leaves her house. What’s your favorite book? Let me guess…the dictionary?” Or she says, “I love beer, but wine is my favorite!” You retort, “Oh, you would be a total wino. I bet you’re one of those girls who took one wine tasting class and now pretends to know everything about wine. If we ever went on a wine date together, you probably wouldn’t stop talking about the “tannins” and how “oaky” the aftertaste is…but you and I both know that you’re making it up as you go along.” As usual, these are all said with a HUGE smile on your face. See how these are all so exaggerated that any reasonable girl would know you are joking? You’re taking the information she gives you and thinking of the most ridiculous possible spin you can put on it for comedic purposes. Page 118 118 She’ll likely playfully defend herself, and flirtation will commence. Nicknames If you give a girl a nickname that slightly annoys her, but is also pretty funny, then she will become more and more infatuated with you. Here are some examples: I recently met this girl named “Estefy.” Venezuelan. Smoking hot. As our conversation progressed, I started making fun of some of the things she told me. I even straight-up called her “lame” a few times until I settled on calling her “LameStefy” instead of her real name. It was so simple, so crude, and it didn’t even rhyme with her real name. But it worked. Women love that kind of playground stuff. And then there’s this other girl named Allison who I always call “A-Train.” She hates me but loves me for it at the same time. Just like the dozens of other girls who I regularly call dork, nerd, and loser more often than I call them their real name—just being silly.
Giving women absurd little nicknames is one way to instantly create a playful boundary. It taps into her inner child. And if you’ve already built a solid foundation in the Curiosity Phase, it can really crank up her infatuation with you. Be Careful Before we move on, I have to give you two warnings about teasting. First, NEVER tease a girl about anything she might be insecure about. This technique should be fun and ultimately uplifting. The last thing you want to do is hurt someone’s feelings. With that in mind: If a girl has a bigger than average nose, DON’T tease her about it. If she has weird ears, DON’T tease her about it. If she has a vocal tic or a deeper voice, DON’T tease her about it. No matter how playful or well-intentioned you are, teasing a girl about something she is insecure about is likely to blow up in your face. And secondly, don’t tease a girl about anything she is particularly passionate about, or after she just opened up to you in a “deep” conversation. Page 119 119 For example, in the Connection Phase of the Elixir of Eros, you will be enticing a girl to open up about her passions, her purpose, and her dreams in life. As you’ll soon learn, you want to give her positive reinforcement when she opens up and makes herself vulnerable to you. You do NOT want to make her feel insecure or make fun of her about this. Doing so will create within her a negative association with the idea of opening up to you. She’ll think, “Wow. I just told this guy something that is near and dear to my heart, something that I tell almost no one. And his response is to tease me about it? What an insecure jerk.” Instead, tease her about the little things: her drink choice, the fact that she likes the corny pop song that just came on, the fact that she just ordered a hot dog at a fancy restaurant. Tease her for being five minutes late to your date, or maybe make a playful, false assumption about her day job when she first tells you (before the conversation gets too deep). Just don’t accidentally punish her for opening up to you. And make absolute sure you don’t tease her about anything that will make her insecure around you. Remember, you want her to feel positive emotions around you.
The F Word There is one little “F word” that encompasses everything the Elixir of Eros is about. When you call a girl this word, she’ll know you appreciate her company. But she’ll also be confused about whether you see
her as a romantic option. When done right, this can create the perfect “gap” between you and her, and compel her to chase you. That magic word is “friend.” “Awww, thanks for saying that, Annie. You’re such a good friend.” “Hey, friend. What have you been up to?” Page 120 120 “I’m just going to ignore the fact that I’m insanely attracted to you, and make you my best friend. That will make things much less complicated between us.” When a guy is attracted to a woman, 95% of the time, she instantly knows. As we learned earlier, women are incredibly perceptive to your body language. They are much better than men at reading subtle queues, and it’s hard to trick them. If you’re talking to a woman you want, as a sexual partner or a girlfriend, she almost certainly knows you’re interested to some degree or another. But when you use the word “friend” around her, you throw her for a loop. You make her question, “Wow, is this guy actually into me? Or does he really just see me as a friend?” Part of the reason that this word is so deadly is that being her friend is a good thing. You take no risk by calling her that. It’s a compliment. Yet, it has platonic connotations. It strikes down the idea that you are interested in her sexually. Women want to be wanted. Most of them appreciate having dozens or even hundreds of men in their lives who are sexual options. They sure as hell don’t want to sleep with them all, but it’s still important to their self-esteem to feel desired. So when she feels like you may not desire her sexually, when she feels like YOU have eliminated HER as a sexual option, then if she is even somewhat interested, she will try to make you desire her again. And she may even start to chase you. We know about the magic of effort justification—the psychological tendency to attribute a greater value to things that were won through great effort. This means, if you can get a girl putting in effort to win you over she will begin to justify to herself that she likes you. Often times, when you call her a friend, she will begin to put more effort into you. Her intention might not be to sleep with you or make you her boyfriend…yet. It will merely be to get you back as a sexual option, to make herself feel desired. But the mere act of putting in effort into winning your affection, will create a snowball effect with her attraction toward you. Especially Page 121 121 if you don’t easily “give in,” and make her feel completely desired until
the right time, until she’s proven herself to you. So work the word “friend” into your conversations with women you like as much as possible. Tell her early in the conversation, too. “Wow, you’re gonna make a great friend. I love that you’re into running, too!” If she’s in your social circle, message her, “Hey, friend. I’m having a wine and cheese party at my place tonight. You should come!” And when she’s already shown she’s deeply attracted to you, tell her this before you kiss her: “Wow, you’re an amazing friend. I’m fighting every urge in my body not to kiss you right now. You need to stop being so fucking gorgeous; we can just be platonic besties.”
Terms and Conditions If “friend” is the most powerful word to drop into a conversation with a girl you like, these words are a close second and third. They allow you to compliment a girl, make future plans with her, and tell her you like her, all without ever sounding creepy or weird. These two words are “if ” and “maybe.” They’re known as conditional words, because when you use them, you’re limiting the outcome based on whether or not certain conditions are true. This plays right into the Elixir of Eros method. When you speak in the conditional with a woman, you add a layer of uncertainty to your statements. Let’s look at the difference between non-conditional statements (i.e. the way most guys normally speak to women) and their conditional counterparts. Normal language: “I really like you. We should go out on a date.” Conditional language: “If I start to like you, I’m totally taking you out to Ernie’s Pizza. It is the most delicious pizza you’ll ever taste.” Normal: “You’re so nice and fun. I’m enjoying our conversation. Can I buy you a drink?” Page 122 122 Conditional: “That’s so cool! Maybe if you promise to keep being super fun to talk to, I’ll buy you a drink.” Normal: “You’re so sweet. Can I have your phone number?” Conditional: “You seem like a potentially cool girl. I’ve gotta run in a few minutes, but if you’re the real deal, we should continue this conversation over text. What’s your number?” Normal: “This has been an awesome first date! Do you want to go play laser tag with me for a second date?” Conditional: “If we become friends, we should totally do laser tag next time!” Normal: “Do you want to come back to my place later tonight? ” Conditional: “If you keep making such a good impression on me, I’ll make you my famous nacho cheese dip, and we’ll watch that movie I was telling you about.”
Do you see the difference? You are putting a subtle gap between you and her, but not too large of a gap that she can’t overcome it. The general structure for this statement is, “If [an attainable outcome that she has some control over occurs], then [we’ll move this relationship forward].” If…she keeps acting fun…she plays her cards right…she keeps impressing you…she makes you like her… Then…you’ll go back to your place and watch a movie…you’ll take her on a cool second date…you’ll accept her phone number… Conditional statements work like magic. They set up a chasing dynamic. They reduce your chances of getting rejected. They playfully challenge her to keep moving the seduction forward. Women use this strategy on men ALL the time. They say things like: “If you buy me something nice, maybe I’ll go on a second date with you.” “If you play your cards right, maybe you’ll get a kiss at the end of the night.” “If you are nice to me, you might have a shot at me.” So why not steal their technique and use it on them? Page 123 123
Adventure Time All humans think in mental “images” and little “movies” we create for ourselves. We have a tendency to daydream, and we don’t really think in a logical pattern. Because of this, the success you’re going to have with any given woman will depend heavily on what type of images you put into her head. If you act creepy, you’ll probably bring up bad images. She might imagine you embarrassing her in front of her friends and family. If she doesn’t trust you and questions your intentions, she might imagine you taking advantage of her. If you are timid and don’t give off a confident, sexual vibe, she might imagine you being AWFUL in bed. But when you follow the blueprint laid out in this book, you are going to drastically reduce the number of bad mental movies she creates about you. And in this section, I’m going to give you some tools that’ll help you call “Action!” on a series of fun, positive mental movies about you—mental movies that get her excited and turned on. The method for this is actually quite simple: steer the conversation toward fun future adventures that you and her will have together. Some of these adventures will be complete fantasies and will probably never happen, but they’re still fun to imagine. Others will be real adventures that you could actually go on during a later date. Let’s explore both of these. Outrageous Future Adventures
If you were anything like I was as a kid, you and your friends fantasized about outrageous adventures all the time. I had plans to build my own helicopter, to run away into the forest by my house and start my own colony on an island, and to be an astronaut making frequent trips to my favorite planet, Mars. Now, even as a kid, I knew that going on these adventures would be unlikely. But that wasn’t the fun part. The fun part was fantasizing about them. It’s the same when talking to a girl. If you can playfully daydream with her, she’s going to feel all kinds of fun, positive emotions. Page 124 124 So, early in your conversation with her, here’s what I want you to do. Always be on the lookout for things that she says that you can turn into ridiculously fun (and obviously make-believe) adventures. She tells you, “I love traveling. I want to travel across Europe next summer.” So you reply, “That’s awesome. I want to travel, too. But screw next summer. We should pool our life savings, fly out to Europe tomorrow, and buy one of those old Volkswagen camper vans that the hippies used to ride in. We’ll quit our jobs and just travel the whole continent working odd jobs. We’ll pretty much be gypsies. Are you in?” She’ll likely either laugh at the mental image you put in her head, or she’ll play along with you—both of which are good. She could say back, “I’m in! But only if we paint our hippie van tie-dye and start a band that sings about peace and love.” To which you say, “OK, but I call the guitar and vocals, because I have a beautiful voice. Well, not really, but I do sing a mean rendition of Yellow Submarine at karaoke, so that’s a start.” And there you go, the start to an incredibly playful conversation. See how easy that was? Want a few more examples? If she talks about how she likes bowling, tell her you’re going to start a bowling league with her. You’re going to practice four hours a day, because losing isn’t an option, and get all-black uniforms with red scorpions on them to intimidate your opponents. If she talks about wanting to go on a boat this summer, tell her you’ll buy a boat for both of you to live on this summer. But with one condition—that you guys become drunken pirates who steal booze from all the other boaters around you. I just came up with these on the spot. It’s super easy once you get the hang of it. Just practice thinking of the most ridiculously fun adventure you can come up with in response to something she says. Then, tell her about it with a big smile on your face, so she knows you’re joking. Soon you’ll be putting insanely fun mental images in her head. You’ll make her smile and laugh. And here’s a nice bonus: once you’ve talked about a ridiculous adventure, think about how much easier it will be to
ask her to go on tamer version of your playful fantasy? Page 125 125 How easy would it be to ask her on a bowling date after proposing the bowling fantasy? How easy would it be to ask her out on a date on a boat after the pirate comment? Super easy. REAL Future Adventures With this version of the technique, you’ll be talking about future adventures that are actually feasible. Keep in mind, this is not the stage where you’ll be actually trying to make plans with her. You will not be asking her out on a date. You will simply be putting an image in her head of the two of you doing something fun. Let’s dive straight into some examples: She says, “Oh I love to cook!” You reply, “What’s your best dish?” She says, “I make a mean pasta with Alfredo sauce…” And you reply, “Oh my god, I love alfredo! If we become friends, you’re totally cooking me that. I’ll bring the perfect wine to match. I’m not much of a cook, but I guess I could cut the tomatoes or something. But wait. We have to be careful, because everyone knows that a good pasta is the way to a man’s heart, so don’t make it TOO good, or I may start falling for you…and we can’t have that happen.” Talk about this for a few more minutes, and then switch topics. By doing this you don’t put too much pressure on it to happen. Your main goal is just to put a nice mental image in her head, to associate hanging out with you in the future with positive emotions. Sure, you can make plans to do a dinner date later, but don’t make the mistake of trying to “close the deal” right on the spot. The last thing she wants to feel in the Infatuation stage is pressure to make plans. Also, did you also notice how we mixed a few techniques in here? You are calling her a “friend,” you are using the word “if,” making it a conditional statement, AND you are adding a playful obstacle at the end by telling her not to make it too good or you may fall for her. That’s FOUR Elixir of Eros techniques in one. When you start stacking these Page 126 126 techniques and allowing them to work together, it’s like a turbo boost for your mojo—you’re all but unstoppable. This is partly out of necessity. When you’re working with a future adventure that could actually happen, it is important that you soften your suggestion with other techniques, like conditional statements. Because it’s not as ridiculous as our first set of adventures, you want
her to be clear about the fact that you are not pressuring her to hang out again. You’re still just having fun and fantasizing, but about a more realistic situation. Here are a few more examples: Ask her about the fun adventures she liked to go on as a kid. If she tells you she loved mini-golf, tell her if she plays her cards right, maybe you’ll play mini-golf with her sometime—as long as she’s ready to get her butt kicked. Or if she tells you she loves wine, tell her that if you keep getting along, maybe you’ll take her to a vineyard thirty minutes from town. Their wine tours are amazing, but she has to promise not to try every single sample they give you, because you don’t know if you’ll be able to put up with her if she’s that loopy. The future is fun to think about. It’s an exciting world of possibility, and when you can get her imagining a fun future with you, her crush on you will solidify. And don’t be shocked when she suggests that you guys go on an adventure for real.
Who You Gonna Text? If you’ve done everything right up to this point, getting a girl’s phone number should be easy. The end of the Infatuation stage is certainly not always the right time to get her phone number. Remember, the strength of the Elixir of Eros is in its flexibility. This is just the first time she will probably give you her number without any problems. Page 127 127 It doesn’t matter much what you say to get her number, as long as you say it confidently. Your sub-communications will largely determine how successful you’ll be here. This is where your eye contact, your vocal tone, and your posture are all crucial. If your eyes are darting around, your voice is cracking, and you’re fidgeting, it’ll set off her “creepy guy” alarm, and she may not feel comfortable handing over her digits. But again, if you’ve done everything right up until now, and you’re hitting it off, then bad sub-communication or having a boyfriend are quite literally the only two reasons she wouldn’t give you her contact info. That being said, I’ll give you a few easy, go-to lines I often use get the job done. I almost always tell her that I’m leaving soon before I ask for her number, because that gives me a good “reason” for getting that info (and it’s usually true): “Hey, I’ve gotta run in a minute, but let me see your phone so I can put my number in it” (hold your hand out confidently). “Do you have Snapchat? I have to go soon, but we should add each other so we can keep in touch.” “Hey, I have to leave in a few minutes, but I’ve really enjoyed this
conversation. We should continue it over drinks or coffee sometime?” If she says yes, reply, “Awesome! Let me see your phone. I’ll put my number in it and shoot myself a text so I know your number.” Whenever possible, put your number in her phone. Grab her phone, and punch your number in on your own. Bonus points if you save yourself as something funny, like “[Your Name] Hot Guy from Starbucks.” This is important because when you text her and you’re already in her contacts, that makes you more real to her. “Mike Hot Guy from Starbucks” immediately makes her remember who you are—and in a fun, fond way. 601-555-5555 makes her feel nothing. Now what do you do when you have her contact info? Don’t follow the lame, old-school advice of waiting three days. Send her something as soon as possible. You want to keep the momentum going. Now this isn’t a book on texting, but I’ll give you my texting strategy, which is actually quite simple. I’ll often text a girl something like, “It Page 128 128 was awesome meeting you, Marie!” Again, if you’ve done everything right up to this point, that should be more than enough to get her texting you back. If you can, use some “callback humor” to your conversation. Let’s say you used the “future adventure” technique to talk about playing laser tag. Your first text could be something like, “Hey, it’s Mike, your arch nemesis in laser tag. Hope you get home safe, my friend!” After the first text or two, your ONLY goal is to get her to meet up with you for a date. It’s practically impossible to build a real connection with someone you barely know over text message, so don’t fall into the trap of trying to win her over via text message early on. It’s a common mistake, and it leads straight to the friend zone. Instead, set up a date with her, ideally something you talked about during your initial conversation. Here’s a bonus tip: before you get her number, in the Infatuation stage, ask about her favorite bars, coffee shops, or dinner spots (depending on where you prefer to have your first date). Then, mention a few of your favorite first date spots, and ask her if she’s been there. If she hasn’t been to one of them, then DON’T immediately say, “Oh, maybe we should go some time!” Instead, tease her for not having been to such an amazing place, and simply tell her she has to try it sometime. Recommend your favorite drink or dish, and tell her how much she’s going to love it. Then move on to another topic. You won’t bring this up until you’re texting her. You’ll text her something like, “Let’s go to that wine bar, The Wandering Wino, sometime! You’re gonna love their cheese plate and cabernet. Are you down?” I always use the word “sometime” very intentionally. This technique
is called a “commitment ladder,” and it’s a used very often in sales. Going to a bar “sometime” is a very small commitment, so it’s easy for her to agree to. Once she’s made that small commitment, she’ll be much more likely to agree to a larger commitment—a specific day. Once she’s on board, ask her, “What’s your schedule like this week? I’m open on Tuesday and Thursday if either of those days work for you.” Remember, we want to limit her to two or three options. When humans have too many choicPage 129 129 es, we can get “decision paralysis” and freeze up. My favorite date days are Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. In my experience, girls have less going on those days and are much less likely to flake. After you have a day locked in, set a time by saying something like, “Awesome! Plan on meeting around 7?” When you set a time, tell her you’re looking forward to it, and leave it at that. The day of your date, send her a text re-confirming. “7pm at Wandering Wino still work?” If that time still works for her, say, “OK, great! See you then.” Then, if you want to make 100% sure she never flakes on you, use one of these “flake busters”: Flake Buster 1: About fifteen minutes before you leave for your date, text her, “Hey, I’m running about 5-10 minutes late. I’ll see you no later than 7:10!” This accomplishes two things. One, it gives you one final confirmation that she’s actually showing up. And two, it prevents the awkward situation off her showing up late. Many girls are chronically late, so if she texts you back “OK! I’m actually running late too. I’ll probably be there at 7:30!”, then you can show up at 7:35. If you make her wait, that puts you in the position of power. She’s the one who has to wait for you, which subconsciously makes her feel like she’s putting in work for you. And the best part is, you’re completely justified in being a little bit later than her. You can just tell her, “Oh, I left a little later because you told me you were going to be late!” Flake Buster 2: If you want to make sure even earlier in the day that that she’s still good to go, then text her this about three hours before your date: “Hey, can we move to [fifteen to thirty minutes after your planned date time]? I have a phone call that might go a little bit late, and I don’t wanna make you wait for me :)” This guarantees you won’t be stuck there waiting for someone who’s not going to come. Most of the time, she’ll message you back that the new time works fine. Sometimes she’ll tell you that she can’t make it, which is OK. She just saved you the trouble of being flaked on right Page 130
130 before your date. And very rarely, she won’t answer at all. This will save you from waiting at a restaurant for hours and feeling like the biggest loser on planet Earth. What to do if she cancels on you When a girl you like cancels plans with you, it stings. How could she? You guys set a date, and she has the nerve to cancel last minute? Well, my advice: don’t take it personally. Women are much flakier than men on first dates. To many women, setting a time and date to hang out is more of a possibility than a set-in-stone plan. So, the first time a girl cancels on me, I give her a pass. I’ll text her something like, “No worries! We’ll hang out some other time :)” If she cancels on me a second time, I’ll still keep my cool. Because in my experience, if you get mad at her, that reduces your chances of ever hanging out with her to zero. So in that case, I’ll text her something like, “Hey, it’s all good! My schedule is insanely crazy lately, so when I make plans, I’m usually saying no to something else. So all I ask is that if we make plans again, you triple check that the time works. Sound fair?” And if she flakes for a third time, I cut her out of my life. If she’s that unreliable, she’s probably isn’t going to change and is going to be a nightmare to hang out with.
Think on This Throughout this all, keep in mind that you’re trying to convey to her that you’re a fun, interesting guy. You’re not out to close the deal, and you’re not going to get into the heavy, impassioned conversation yet. That will come. This is only one of several steps that will eventually get you where you want to be—and make sure you have safe travels there. Page 131 131 So, for now, you play. You tease—not to hurt, but to create a mirthful dynamic. A good portion of your “plans” are nothing more than fantasies that get her to think fun thoughts. You’re stimulating her brain to release dopamine, and in turn, you’ll end up making her happier. It doesn’t matter that you’re not professing your love or having the kinds of interactions you’ll be having when you’ve grown old together. That’s not what she wants right now. She wants to be enticed. She enjoys it. After all, the cat will never complain about you dangling a good string. Page 132 132
The Elixir of Eros Phase III: Connection
“What happens in a romance novel doesn’t always have to stay in one.” ~ Renee Alexis In this phase, you will slowly drift away from the playful fun of the Infatuation Phase, and develop a real connection with your girl. The Infatuation Phase was all about arming yourself with actions that release in her the “pleasure” chemical, dopamine. In the Connection Phase, you will start to release the “love” chemical, oxytocin. This is where she starts feeling like she has a real bond with you. The vast majority of girls need to feel a genuine emotional connection before having sex with a guy, which is why we place the Connection Phase right before Desire. So, don’t worry, guys. We’ll get her there. For some girls, the connection they need to feel before sex is minimal. Other girls need to feel like they’ve known you for ages before they’re willing to hop into bed. Here are some signs that it’s time to move on to the Connection Phase: • She’s showing you signs of attraction, like twirling her hair, giving you deep eye contact, blushing and smiling, and being receptive to your touch. Page 133 133 • You just met her that night, you’ve been chatting with her for more than thirty minutes, and she’s talking just as much as you are. • You just met her that night, and her friends have left her alone to talk to you. • You are on a first date with her and have moved to a second location. • You are on a second date with her.
Stuck in a Loop This one girl, guys. Let me tell you. You know the type with a bit too much eye makeup, but on her it’s amazing? Well, she had this razor-sharp wit and energy for days. And once we got into the Infatuation Phase, we had so much fun. We’d have endless conversations about fantasy vacations and magical alternate universes, and she’d always try to one-up what I’d say. The dopamine was flowing like whitewater rapids, and every time we met up, we’d immediately fall back into that routine. Every. Single. Time. The problem was, I had no idea how the hell I was supposed to move things forward with her. And around six dates later, it hit me—I’d
just worked myself into a weird sort of shallow friend zone. It was like we were living off of candy when I was dying for a good steak. What happened? What did I miss? Page 134 134
Dig Beneath the Surface In this phase, you’re going to get her to open up about what she’s passionate about, what her motivations are in life, what really makes her happy. Your goal here is to UNDERSTAND her, to learn what type of person she is and what she values. Your secondary goal is for HER to understand YOU. In the Infatuation Phase, you chatted about surface-level topics. You teased her. You made assumptions about her. You played games with her. During the Connection Phase, you are going to drop your guard a bit. You’re going to make yourself vulnerable to her and make her feel comfortable being vulnerable to you. She will be opening up to you. She’ll be telling you things she doesn’t tell just every guy. Another way to think of the Connection Phase is as a trust-building phase. You’ll build a rapid connection with her and slowly teach her that she can TRUST you with her emotions—which is extremely important to women. In this phase, your tonality will change and get slower. Your eye contact will become more intense. You will become an even better listener and truly seek to understand everything she tells you. Now, I want to give an important qualifier about this phase. Remember, the Elixir of Eros is a fluid system, not a linear one. This means you should NOT abruptly stop the Infatuation Phase, and completely switch gears on her. Instead, you’re almost always going to implement a gradual shift. You will still tease her, only a little bit more gently. You’ll still use playful boundaries, just not as much. You’ll still leave her uncertain and flirt with her in a way that compels her to chase you, but she’ll be a little more confident that you two have a real connection. If you’re playing the “long game” with a female friend who you see often, you may even have to switch back and forth between the Infatuation and Connection Phases, on different occasions. The more you practice this system, the more skilled you will get at knowing exactly when and how to shift gears. Page 135 135
Isolate and Bounce The Connection Phase almost always happens in isolation. That
means you and her are the only two people participating in the conversation. If you’re in a group with friends, at very least your body language is turned away from everyone else. And ideally, you are in a different location than them altogether. Isolation often happens near the end of the Infatuation Phase as you’re getting ready to move into this phase. At the latest you should move into isolation immediately after you start the Connection Phase. Isolation is important for a couple of reasons. First, when it’s just you and her, it’s a much better environment for generating a real connection. You have more control over the situation. You both have fewer social obligations. The more you get along, the more it seems like a “bubble” builds around you, and it’s just you and her. Second, the more places you go with her, the better she feels like she knows you. It’s not necessarily the time you spend with her that builds a connection. It’s the memories that you build together. Let’s compare two different scenarios: First, let’s say you meet your dream girl at a bar. You have a great three-hour conversation. Her friends are around, and though they interrupt her now and then, it generally goes very well. At the end of the night you exchange phone numbers and plan on meeting up the next day. Now imagine that same scenario, where you meet your dream girl at the bar. But this time, within fifteen minutes, you isolate her from her friends by turning your bodies away from them until you’re having your own “mini-conversation.” Then, you both go to the bar to get a drink and continue your conversation there for ten more minutes. After that, you decide to move to the lounge area and sit down on some comfortable chairs, alone. From there, you both decide to go to a different venue and dance. At the end of the night, you go to an after-hours diner and grab breakfast food. And then you exchange phone numbers. The total time you spend together is still around three hours. Page 136 136 Which one do you think results in her being more likely to go out with you again? It’s a no-brainer, right? In the second example, you’ve participated in several different events together. You’ve changed scenery multiple times, and thus, she feels like she knows you much better and your connection is that much deeper. You can think of each place you “bounce” to as a “mini-date.” It’s a different memory that you’ve built together. And it’s so much more powerful than just standing around in the same place for three hours. So, how do you isolate her? It’s quite simple, really. You can say: “Hey, let’s go over to [new location], because [reason].” “Hey, let’s go over to the bar for a minute, because we’re both running low on drinks.”
“Hey, let’s go to the patio, because it’s much nicer out there.” “Hey, let’s go to Mighty Jack’s Diner after this, because their pancakes are amazing.” This seems simple, but there’s actually a lot of solid psychology behind this. The word “because” is one of the most persuasive words in the human language. Back in 1978, a famous experiment was run by Ellen Langer, Professor of Psychology at Harvard. She had her subjects request to cut in a line for a busy copy machine on campus. She had them use three different “lines” to request to cut in line. They were: “Excuse me. I have five pages. May I use the Xerox machine?” “Excuse me. I have five pages. May I use the Xerox machine, because I have to make copies?” “Excuse me. I have five pages. May I use the Xerox machine, because I’m in a rush?” The first line got a 60% compliance rate, but the last two got a 93% and 94% compliance rate, respectively. This difference is especially powerful once you realize that they didn’t even give a good reason for wanting to cut in line. It turns out, people care very little whether or not you give a “good reason” for doing something—only that you give a reason. Page 137 137 It’s the same with isolation. If you tell her, “Hey, let’s go outside because the weather is nice,” you have a much better chance of success than, “Hey, let’s go outside.” She just needs a reason why. So remember, the Connection Phase should be one-on-one. It’s just you and her. Worst case scenario, if it’s simply impossible to separate her from her friends, here’s what to do: Slowly turn your body language away from the group until you and her are slightly “outside” the group. You create a “mini-group” of just you and her. Once you’ve had a conversation within your mini- group for some time, try again to move to a different location. Remember: the more places you move to with her, the more of a connection she will feel with you.
A Good Investment We’ve talked over and over about the psychological principle of effort justification. If she puts in effort to win you over, she’ll start to rationalize to herself that she likes you. Well, “effort” doesn’t just mean “physical” effort, like holding your drink or going on a date with you. It also means emotional effort. The more emotionally invested she is in her relationship with you, the more she unconsciously feels as though she wants you. And the
more she opens up to you, the more emotionally invested she feels. The best way to get this emotional investment is by having a real, heart-to-heart conversation with her where you open up to her and, more importantly, she opens up to you. The aim here is to get her comfortable enough to tell you a secret or open up about her deepest passions, things she’s afraid to tell just anyone. So, let’s go over some basic conversation rules. If you follow these, you’ll already be better than 80% of the guys out there at holding an amazing conversation with a woman: Page 138 138 Rule 1: Get Her Talking at Least 40-60% of the Time The more evenly balanced the conversation, the better. You want it to be a good back and forth, though your conversations usually won’t start at that magic 50:50 talking ratio. You’ll usually have to lead the conversation there, which we’ll get into in detail later. For now, just keep in mind that your goal is to get her contributing at least 40-60% of the conversation. When I work with guys in my dating bootcamps I notice that they tend to want to talk WAY too much. They are so eager to say something interesting, and so afraid that she doesn’t have anything to say, that they bombard her with words. They are so focused on their next clever quip that they end up not letting her get a word in. Inevitably, they give off the vibe that they’re trying too hard, and the girl becomes disinterested. So when you think you might be talking too much, catch yourself. Pause for a second, and ask her a question. Rule 2: Become an Amazing Listener You must listen to her with the intent to understand. Too many guys are completely “inside their own head” when they talk to a girl instead of actually understanding and appreciating what she says.When you are talking to her, do not, I repeat, DO NOT focus on what to say next. She will notice, and chances are, your clever reply will be about something she was talking about a minute ago—a lifetime in the span of a conversation. Never think about your reply, never interrupt, and never take your attention off of her. Focus 100% of your attention on the content she is conveying—the words she uses to describe herself and her emotions as she speaks. Use this rule that one of my mentors taught me: pause for a full two seconds before responding to her, both to make sure that she’s done and to take in what she says. After that two seconds, you’re allowed to reply. This will train you not to just blurt out that response you’d been thinking about for the last thirty seconds. It will train you to come up
Page 139 139 with a more genuine, spontaneous response, and to ask great follow-up questions. Instead of trying to “one-up” her and shift the attention back on YOU, keep it on her. As she tells stories or tells you about herself, you should get really good at short replies like: “Oh really?” “No way!” “She said that? Oh my god!” “No you didn’t! That is too cool.” Replies like these will reward her for opening up to you. It will show her that you’re listening her and encourage her to keep talking, which will help you get to that magic 40-60% number. And it will cause her to get more emotionally invested in you. After all, ask any girl what she wants in a long-term boyfriend, and a “good listener” will be close to the top of her list. Rule 3: Build Rapport Rapport is defined as “a close, harmonious relationship in which the people concerned understand each other’s feelings or ideas and communicate well.” If you’ve seen a conversation between two people who have been friends for decades, you’ll notice that they are “in rapport.” They communicate fluently and understand each other fully. The earlier you can build a deep rapport with her, the more often you will hear comments from her like, “Oh my god…it feels like I’ve known you for years!” One of the best ways to build rapport is to mirror her body language. This will make her feel like you are in sync physically. But verbally, there’s a great little trick that will make her feel like the two of you “speak the same language.” Remember how you’re supposed to listen closely to the words she uses? That isn’t just so you could become a great listener. It’s also so you could steal the phrases that she uses, use them when YOU are talking, and quickly build rapport that way. Page 140 140 Does she say, “That’s sick,” as a way of saying, “That’s great?” Use that phrase later in the conversation. Does she say the word “ridiculous” a lot? Use the same word later. Does she say, “Oh my god!” a lot? Use it! She will almost certainly not notice that you are regurgitating her words. Yet, on a subconscious level, she will feel as though you two are “speaking the same language.” So, if you mirror both her body language and her actual language, she will start to feel a strong connection with you—and have no idea why! Rule 4: Pick the Right Conversation Threads to Expand On
As you hone your skills as an amazing listener, you will train yourself to recognize different conversation “threads” that allow you to get closer to emotional, deep, passionate answers that truly define her as a person. What is a conversation thread? Think of a piece of string. A piece of string has dozens of different threads running through it. So does every statement she says to you. It’s up to you to decide which thread to isolate and follow. For example, she might tell you, “Yeah, I grew up in Miami but came here to Nashville after college. It’s pretty great here, and I love the music scene, but I still miss going to the beach every other day.” That’s just TWO sentences, but she’s giving you SO much to work with here. You could ask her, “What was your childhood like in Miami?” You could say, “Where did you go to college?” Or even, “Oh my god, music such a big part of my life. I think I’d go crazy if I didn’t have my headphones on for at least thirty minutes a day and hit up regular local shows. What’s your favorite band around here?” You could tell her, “Yeah, I hear you. I feel like I’m always happiest when I’m near the beach. There’s something about the ocean that is so calming and instantly puts me in the moment. What’s the coolest beach you’ve been to, besides Miami?” The latter two examples are a little stronger than the first two because you’re relating your own personal experience to her before asking Page 141 141 her a follow-up question. That’s how a great conversation should go. Don’t just bombard her with questions. Relate with her (briefly), and then ask a follow-up question. The more you practice talking to women, the better you will get at identifying conversation “threads” and the better you will get at picking the best ones. You always want to pick positive conversation threads. Avoid sad, negative topics like the plague. You want her to feel happy around you. You are a beacon of hope and fun! And you always want to pick conversation threads that slowly lead the conversation deeper. Don’t respond to the example above with, “Oh, so it sounds like you’re passionate about music. I’m passionate about my purpose in life—charity work in Africa. What’s your purpose in life?” No! That’s way too fast. Develop the skill of slowly moving her in a direction where she is opening up more and more to you. It isn’t likely that your conversation will always be steadily moving from light to deep, but as long as it’s trending in a direction where you are getting to know the “real her,” you’re doing a good job.
Rule 4: Demonstrate How She Should Respond to Your Questions When you relate to a woman, you are demonstrating how she should respond to your question. Often times she’ll be shy or a bit closed off at first. If this happens, it’s your responsibility to lead the conversation. And the best way to lead is by example. If you ask her, “So, what bought you to Los Angeles?” And she responds, “Oh, I’m here for work.” Don’t fall into the trap of either 1) answering with a response that’s as short as hers, like, “Oh, what do you do?” or 2) asking a completely unrelated question. Instead, stay positive, and respond with something like, “Oh, cool! My job actually took me here too. I got an awesome opportunity at a marketing firm after spending the last five years in New York, and I LOVE it so far. I had mixed feelings about L.A. before I came here, but Page 142 142 now that I’m here I realize that most of the stereotypes about the city aren’t true. What kind of work do you do, by the way?” Unless she’s completely cold or has a boyfriend, she’ll likely respond with a longer answer after that. You’ve related to her, demonstrated how you expect her to respond, and asked her a follow-up question. Rule 5: Search for Commonalities “Opposites attract” is NOT true in the dating game. The vast majority of people end up with a partner who they have tons in common with. So when you talk to her, you’re going to want to actively search for things you and her have in common. As she gives you longer and longer answers, and you get better and better at identifying the best conversation threads to pick apart, you’ll notice that you two probably have some things in common: hobbies, similar professions, leisure activities, goals, values in life. The more things you share with her, the deeper your bond with her will be. Don’t change conversation topics when you find something you have in common. Instead, you want to get “stuck” on that topic for a while. Share stories about times you both enjoyed boating on the river. Tell her why you’re so passionate about the volunteering you both enjoy. Explain how you feel when you travel—something you both love. And ask her follow-up question after follow-up question about anything you have in common. Remember, you want her to be just as excited and contributing just as much to the conversation as you are. The more you focus on the things you have in common, the more she will walk away from the conversation thinking, “Wow. We have so much in common.” She’ll tell her friends that, and she’ll be more emotionally invested in seeing you again.
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Standards Met With this system, you subtly take the role of the “selector.” You are the one screening her for whether or not she meets your standards, the ones we outlined earlier. When she sees you as just a little bit “picky,” she starts to think, “Wow. This guy must have options. He seems like he’s a catch.” It is rare that a man bases his standards on personality, rather than just a woman’s looks. And those kind of standards are immensely attractive to most women. So, one of your goals in the Connection Phase is to steer the conversation into a direction that helps you find out whether or not she meets your standards. This should be done subtly. If you are looking for a girlfriend, and “loyalty” is one of the top qualities you look for… do NOT ask her, “So, are you a loyal person?” This isn’t a job interview. And that’s just disrespectful. If she can see you trying too hard to be picky, she’ll think you’re an asshole and move along quickly. Instead, you might consider telling a story that involves a loyal friend of yours. Then, tell her, “You know, that’s what I love about Sam? He’s loyal to a fault. I always look for that in my friends. Do you have any friends like that?” BOOM. You are instantly on the subject of loyalty, and you’re not shining the spotlight directly on her. Maybe you’re looking for a shorter-term relationship, and you’ve identified “spontaneity” as a one of your “fun girl” characteristics. She tells you that she likes to take trips on a whim and loves new experiences. These are good clues that she is a spontaneous girl. If she demonstrates one of the characteristics you value, assume she has that characteristic. Let her know of your assumption, and then ask her a follow-up question related to that quality. For example, you might tell that spontaneous girl, “You seem so spontaneous. I love that. What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done on a whim?” You might tell an adventurous girl, “You seem really adventurous. I’m the same way. Do you travel often?” Or you might tell a compassionate girl, “Wow, Page 144 144 that’s so compassionate that you did that for your friend! What’s the most generous thing you’ve ever done for someone you care about?” The key here is to paint these characteristics in a positive light and then reward her whenever she demonstrates them. When shaping someone’s behavior, rewards are always more effective than punishments. So how do you reward a woman when she demonstrates one of your
“perfect girl” qualities? Here are my three favorite ways: Compliments The key here is to keep it simple. If you get too complicated, it can quickly lose its impact. Note the great examples above, and I’ll give you a few more that typically work well for me: “I love that you’re such a caring person.” “Oh nice! That’s awesome that you’re such a physically active person. I’d go crazy if I didn’t exercise at least three times a week.” “You have such an easygoing personality. I feel like being around you automatically chills me out. I really like that about you.” Later in this section, I’ll give you my compliment formula, and we’ll really kick things into high gear. Physical Touch Physical touch mixed with a compliment can create a powerful cocktail of positive emotions. So try pairing your compliment with a light physical touch: a hand on her shoulder or lightly squeezing her hand. It will make the compliment much more memorable and invoke a strong, positive emotional reaction in her. Attention In the Infatuation section, you played games. You were a bit hard to get—and you’ll remain a bit hard to get. But when she meets one of your standards, it’s NOT the time to play coy or increase the gap between you and her. It’s the time to reward her awesome behavior with your keep complete attention and presence. Page 145 145
Rosetta’s Stone We know how important rapport is, how you have to match both her body language and her actual language to make her feel comfortable and connected. In this section, I’m going to teach you the major difference between male and female communication, and how to speak the language of women. No, this doesn’t mean I’m going to feminize you. It means you’re going to be able to relate to her in a way that very few men can. You’re going to talk about the things that are important to her, and you’re going to build a much deeper connection with her. Deborah Tannen is one of the most famous linguists in the world. She studies language and behavior science, and in her classic book, You Just Don’t Understand, she describes the primary difference between male and female communication: Men focus on power and status. Women focus on relationships and connection. Think about it. Us men hate feeling inferior. We hate being in the
one-down position—we’ll will do almost anything to avoid it. It’s why, stereotypically, we don’t stop and ask for directions. And it’s why, by in large, we hate seeking advice. It’s why we brag about our independence and achievements. It’s how we think and talk. And unfortunately, it’s a huge turn-off for women. When a woman hears this type of talk, she hears insecurity and self-centeredness. With your guy friends, bragging about a new Porsche or your new mansion are fine. But that same bragging can crush any attraction that a woman feels for you. Now, this doesn’t mean things like a Porsche or a new mansion are bad (disclaimer: I have never had either). But what’s important is how she finds out about them. As hard as it is, she must discover these things about yourself on her own. When she discovers “hidden golden nuggets” about you on her own, it creates what psychologists call “The Halo Effect.” And believe me, it is powerful. Basically, it’s like this. Because she’s formed the opinion on her own that you are a great guy—without any bragging—then she will generPage 146 146 alize everything about you as positive. And when she finds out the best parts of your personality and life on her own, she will see no end to the depths of your awesomeness. Sounds good, yeah? Let me give you an example. About three years ago, I decided to get in shape and rent a nice luxury apartment downtown. The thing is, I didn’t talk about working out much. It was still a new habit to me. I didn’t wear clothes that made it obvious I had great abs. and I didn’t talk about my cool apartment. But I still had the goods, and I still had a damn good game. I knew how to make women feel positive, fun emotions using the techniques in this book. And I knew how to subtly make her chase me. So when a girl finally did come back to my apartment a funny thing happened. Her eyes would grow wide as she glanced over all the nice furniture, the 2,000 square feet of space, the cool setup, and the spectacular view. Because she discovered this on her own, the effect on her was overwhelming. Then, when she saw me with my shirt off for the first time—usually the same night as she saw my apartment for the first time—it was all over, and she was all over me. She assumed that EVERYTHING about me was good, and she just had to find out more for herself… The vast majority of guys lead the conversation by telling her about all the great things going on in their lives. They want to put their best foot forward and try to impress her right off the bat. But that conversation style only works on men. When you use that strategy on a woman, it leads to disappointment when she discovers there’s no other “golden nuggets” or “hidden talents” about this man that she can discover on
her own—you’ve already told her all the best things about you! But as an Elixir of Eros Insider, you’ll find how important it is to end with the best things about yourself. Don’t flaunt the most impressive aspects of your personality. If she happens to see you among a really cool crowd of people at the club and notice your nice clothes, then great. But do NOT go out of your way to try to impress her early. Instead, focus on making her feel those amazing, fun emotions. When you do this, she’ll start to wonder, “What the hell else is this guy hiding?” That’s the Halo Effect starting to work its magic, and when it’s Page 147 147 done, she’ll be assuming that practically everything about you is amazing. So I challenge you to do this exercise: For the next month, NEVER brag or say anything to try and impress a girl. Even though I’m going to give you my storytelling tools that help paint you in a positive light, DON’T use them yet. I don’t want you to even subtly brag. Resist the temptation to say anything with the intention of impressing her, even if it’s super sneaky. Instead, just focus on having fun, exciting conversations and getting to know her better. That’s it. Just be a fun guy, someone who brings joy and humor into her life. After doing this exercise, a few things will happen. First, you’ll realize how much bragging actually hurts you. If you’re doing everything else right, she’ll assume the best about you. High-status men are aware of this, which is why they almost never brag. They know that they don’t need to. Bragging only comes across as a desperate act, typical of lower-status men. Second, you’ll train yourself to be even subtler about revealing cool information about yourself. You’ll demonstrate the best things about you, which is so much more powerful than telling her about them. Think about it. In allowing her to make a judgment call about you, she’s investing effort into that judgment and forming it within her own set of beliefs. That’s much more powerful than simply telling her how she should feel about you. When I did this challenge for the first time, it single-handedly improved my skills with women more than any other exercise I’ve ever done, so don’t skip it. So, now that we’ve cut out bragging, what do we fill that gap in the conversation with? Best to focus on relationships, connections, and emotions. Ask about her friends. Ask why she gravitates towards them. Ask about her relationship with her family. And later in the Connection Phase, don’t be afraid to ask about her past romantic relationships and what she’s learned from them.
Page 148 148 Remember: women are emotional creatures. So whenever you tell a story or discuss a passion of yours, always mention how you felt during that moment. If you are telling her about that time you climbed that huge mountain, describe how you felt the cold wind across your face and felt more afraid than you’d ever felt in your life. You questioned whether or not you had what it took to make it to the top. But you had committed to getting all the way up there, so you buckled down and grabbed that next rock. If you enjoy playing the drums, tell her how in the moment and free you feel when you’ve got a good beat going. Like nothing else matters. Like you’re letting all your stress from the week flow from you and become something amazing—music. Tie everything you say back to the feelings associated with whatever you’re talking about. Then, dig deeper. Find out about what her passions are in life. Find out about what she values. And then see how they match up with your list of “perfect girl” qualities. Ask questions like: “I know this is corny, like your first grade teacher probably asked it, but if you could do anything you wanted for the rest of your life, if money wasn’t a factor, what would you be doing?” “The most important things to me are my friends, family, and creating art. What are the most important things in your life?” Continue to demonstrate how you want her to answer. And then, don’t be afraid to ask her to reciprocate, and ask her about the things that she holds dearest. The more you talk about these things in terms of your feelings, the more she will get addicted to the conversation. That’s how she talks with her girlfriends about everything. And now that you’re speaking her language, she can’t help but open up to you. Page 149 149
You So Fine There’s a long lost “seduction technique” that has fallen by the wayside in recent years. Pick-up “gurus” and other so-called “experts” have dismissed it as being “too nice” or “too beta.” Average guys around the world have made a mess of the technique and regularly repel girls by using it. But the small fraction of men who know how to use it, and use it right, are able to make a woman swoon. That technique is the compliment. Now, if you feel like brushing it off because it doesn’t sound like much, that’s where a lot of folks fail. Instead, let’s analyze what makes a compliment good or bad, and then we’ll get into some hardcore tech-
nique. First up, a disingenuous compliment will disgust a woman, whereas a genuine compliment from a man she’s not attracted to will make her feel flattered. But a genuine, unique compliment from a man who she’s already infatuated with, well, that will speed up her heart rate, make her blush, and start her thinking like she’s on the way to winning his affection. When you compliment a woman, you must mean it. If you’re complimenting her as a “tool” to get in her pants, she’ll quickly sense it and kick you to the curb. Yet if you notice something that you really appreciate about her, and you communicate that in a clear, genuine way, she’ll love it. As a bonus, compliments are one of the best ways to “reward” a girl for meeting your “perfect girl” standards. When she demonstrates a quality that you like, let her know! This reinforces that acting that way around you is a good thing, which encourages her to keep it up. Like every technique in this book, compliments should be used in moderation. Just because you get a great reaction from a compliment doesn’t mean you should keep laying it on thick. Remember the gap? That push/pull dynamic that slowly closes in space as you become more and more attracted to each other? The compliment pushes you closer to her. But be careful not to get too close yet, or she might feel smothered. Page 150 150 So, what’s the best way to compliment a girl? Well, I have a simple formula that gets an amazing reaction almost every time I use it. Here it is: “You know what I like about you? [Tell her]. I feel like [put an image or adventure in her head about what having this quality means if you guys keep hanging out].” Here are some examples: “You know I like about you? [Pause] You’re so damn spontaneous. I feel like if we keep hanging out, every night is going to be an adventure. Like we could start with just dinner and drinks, and by the end of the night, we’d be bungee jumping.” “You know what I like about you? You seem like such a loyal person. I feel like if we become good friends, you’d be the kind of person who always has my back through thick and thin. You’re the kind of person I like surrounding myself with.” “You know what I like about you? You always have a smile on your face. You’re one of the most genuinely positive people I’ve ever met. I feel like if I’m ever sad, I could just look your way, and I’ll automatically cheer up.” At this point in your training, you’re probably starting to pick up a
few of the reasons why that formula works so well. Let’s break it down. “You know what I like about you?” This instantly builds her curiosity. Humans are self-interested animals, and whenever someone is about to make a value judgement on us, it’s in our nature to perk up and give that person our full attention. “You’re so [quality].” This is the compliment. Ideally you are now giving her positive reinforcement for one of the qualities on your “perfect girl” list. This lets her know that acting that way is a good thing. “I feel like…” We know how important speaking emotionally is, and “I feel like” is one of the best ways to begin an emotional statement. [Put an image or adventure in her head about what having this quality means if you guys keep hanging out]. We know how people like to think in mental images. During this part, we’re giving her a vivid mental image that embodies this trait. You can also add a bit of “future Page 151 151 adventure” here if you want. The key is to make this image positive and fun so she associates you with feeling good. That’s it. That’s all you need to compliment a girl and positively reinforce within her those qualities you want in your special someone. Note that, for a compliment to be effective, it must be unique. This compliment formula ensures that you will automatically give her something that she hasn’t heard before. Hundreds of men have already called her beautiful. Hundreds of men have already complimented her best physical feature. If you do that, she’ll think of you as just the latest in a long line of average guys trying to get into her pants.
Story Time The film industry rakes in almost $100 billion dollars every year with two of their biggest cash cows being dramas and romantic comedies. Likewise, fiction book sales are through the roof with romance novels alone accounting for over $1 billion in revenue. Compound that with the latest online craze of fanfiction. That is essentially fan-made “spin offs” of popular movies and TV shows, many of which are sexual in nature. One popular fanfiction website averages 245 million views per month—the vast majority of which are women. It’s no big surprise that people—and women especially—love a good story. Joseph Campbell, the most famous mythologist ever to live, spent his life studying stories. And he discovered that the human brain is “hardwired” to respond to a great story. We’re transfixed by them. It’s how humans learned and passed down knowledge for generations before we created written language. So it’s no shocker that telling great stories is one of the sharpest tools to:
Page 152 152 • Keep a woman’s attention. • Make her feel excited and transfixed on you. • Subtly demonstrate good qualities about yourself. • Amp up your emotional connection with you. • Demonstrate what’s important to you, and screen her for those values. During my journey to create the Elixir of Eros, I spent years researching the type of plotline that women find most exciting. I then started following that plotline whenever I had to tell a woman a story about my life, and the results have been tremendous. The typical story arc starts with a central hero—in this case you— who faces a difficult obstacle. The hero tries to overcome the obstacle, but the more he tries, the more difficult the circumstances become. Eventually, the hero overcomes the obstacle, and at the same time learns something important about himself, or about life in general. A great story can make the smallest moments in your life seem epic. It could be something as seemingly insignificant as getting an assignment done at work or getting your drunk friend home from the bar last night. Here’s an example of a story I tell often. It paints a positive picture of me, but it also shows that I’m vulnerable at times, which is an important element to stories that women go crazy for. If the hero is perfect, the story becomes predictable and unbelievable. He must be flawed— real—and he must make some mistakes along the way. Watch as I overcome several small obstacles and learn a valuable lesson at the end of this story: “When I moved to New York City after college, the first thing I wanted to do was join a gym. I looked like a skinny little twig, and I wanted to pack on some pounds. “So when I moved into my apartment, I explored a few gyms in the neighborhood and found one I liked—the Iron Gym. It was an oldschool, body-building gym. The equipment was dirty, and everyone there was HUGE. These guys looked like absolute monsters, straight out of the mold of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Page 153 153 “I thought, ‘Hey, this is perfect. If I’m working out next to these guys I’ll be SO motivated to get huge like them.’ So I signed up on the spot. “I was subletting an apartment with a few marketing executives in Chelsea District in Manhattan. I didn’t know any of them, and they were all five to ten years older than me, so I was eager to make a good impression. When I got home, I immediately went up to them and
started bragging about the manly new gym I had just signed up for. “One of my roommates replied, ‘Uhhh, Mike, you know Iron Gym is the most notorious gay gym in New York, right?’ “I told him, ‘Oh, no. You must be thinking of some other place. This was the manliest gym I’ve ever stepped foot in!’ “He replied, ‘No, Mike…that’s where all the bears go.’ “I said, ‘What’s a bear?’ “And he told me. ‘Those are the huge, masculine, dominant, gay guys. The ‘tops.’ The givers, not the takers, if you catch my drift.’ “Now, I have NO problem with gay people, but as a skinny kid just out of college, this was all a little bit scary for me. But I had already paid my membership dues, so I was stuck. “And it was definitely an adventure. There were two incidents that really stuck out, though, in my three months there. “Once, a gay couple was making out on the bench press. Now, I don’t care if you’re gay or straight. That’s just a weird thing to do at the gym. “And there was this other time in the locker room. I usually hit the gym in the morning, before work, and I had just finally built up the courage to shower. So, I’m taking my clothes off for the first time, and these two guys with perfect Adonis bodies are standing in front the big mirror that spans across the whole wall. I’m right behind them, and they’re posing, butt naked in front of the mirror, taking pictures of themselves. “I wanted to say something, but I just kind of sprinted to the shower. I hope they didn’t post those pictures online—because my naked ass was definitely in some of them! “But ya know what? Overall, it was a pretty awesome experience. It was motivating, and I felt really comfortable there by the end. Page 154 154 “And let’s just say, if you’ve ever been creeped on by guys at a gym while you were working out, I can totally relate. It’s kind of weird, but actually kind of flattering! I was like a young skinny piece of meat there, haha.” OK, let’s recap. Here are all the things I’ve subtly demonstrated about myself in this story while keeping her entertained the entire time: • I lived in New York City, one of the most exciting cities in the world. • I am open-minded and accepting of people who are different than me (something that is important for me in women as well, so I can see how she reacts to it). • I stick to my goals, and am not deterred by minor obstacles. • I’m a “piece of meat” who gets a lot of attention from
those who like men. When I tell a girl this story, I usually get a strong emotional reaction. Lots of laughter. And lots of stories back from them about similar situations that have happened to her with guys. Suddenly we’re relating to each other. Suddenly we are on the same “team.” And an emotional connection is being forged. Let’s compare this to a more male, “macho” version of the story: “So, I joined a gym because I need to keep this bod shredded, but as soon as I found out it was a gay gym, I decided there was no way in hell I was going back there! I called and made some excuse the next day and got half my money back—but I sure as hell wasn’t going to work out at that place.” Now, there weren’t any embarrassing details in this version, so my poor little ego had no chance of getting bruised, but OMG, WHAT A BORING STORY. It makes me seem closed-minded, stubborn, narcissistic, and unwilling to face obstacles—qualities that are not attractive to the type of women I want to date. So here’s what I want you to do: Page 155 155 Start brainstorming five to ten exciting moments that have happened to you in the last ten years. I don’t care how boring you think your life is, there are stories in it. Write down anything that comes to mind, anything that involves drama, excitement, and overcoming obstacles. Pick your top three, and write out each of those stories. Then practice your stories a few times in front of a mirror. Remember: don’t force a story into a conversation. But if the right opportunity comes up while talking—with a guy or a girl—tell it! For example, I’ll usually tell this story any time either “living in New York,” “what we did after college,” or “gay culture” comes up, which is more often than you’d think. Repetition is important because you—and the story—are going to get better each time you tell it. You’ll learn how to read your audience, pause at the right times, use the right vocal inflection, etc. Story is a powerful tool. Come up with a few good ones, work them into your conversations, and watch how transfixed she gets.
Be Perfectly Imperfect As men, we’re often taught to be “macho,” to never let our guard down. Don’t get me wrong, there’s actually something to that. Dominance is one of the most attractive qualities to women. Women are drawn to power, and when in doubt, many of them tend to gravitate toward the “alpha male” of a group. Yet there is an entire other side to that story. In the years I spent studying “addiction masterpieces”—those movies, romance novels,
and fanfiction stories that women around the world swarm to—I made a rather unexpected discovery. As I read all of this stuff, I noticed that the hero of the story—the man who the girl was addictedto—was usually pretty macho. But as the story progressed, the heroine inevitably had to break down his “tough Page 156 156 outer layer” and discover his soft side. The hero would eventually make himself emotionally vulnerable to her. In A Billion Wicked Thoughts, they put it like this, “When it comes to a woman’s preference, they don’t just want a nice guy…They want an alpha who is nice to her.” Women want a man who is hard on the outside and sweet on the inside. Look. This does NOT give you permission to act needy around her, nor does it give you an excuse to whine to her about all of your life problems. That stuff will put you straight into the friend zone—if it doesn’t drive her away completely. But I’ve found that, if you are just a bit vulnerable in the right way and at the right time during the interaction, it can have a powerful effect on her. It can move her from “I’m very attracted to this guy” to “I could see myself falling for him.” We’ll get into exactly how to be vulnerable around her, but first it’s important that you understand why vulnerability works so well. The main reason is that it adds a layer of believability to everything you’ve done up to this point. If you’ve done everything right up until this point, she’ll probably be thinking, “Oh my god. This guy is too good to be true. I wonder what the catch is?” When you’re vulnerable, you tell her the catch. That’s right. This may fly in the face of every one of your instincts, but you have to let her know exactly why you’re not perfect. And when you’re the one telling her that, instead of her finding it out on her own, she starts to believe that all the good assumptions she made about you are true. I’ve spent years studying the psychology of marketing, and when you think about it, what we’re doing here is really just teaching you how to best “market” yourself to women. Now, some of the best marketing pieces in the world will tell you the flaw in the product. They’ll tell you that the product is not a solution to all your problems—it’s just damn good at satisfying this one need. This makes the consumer trust that message, which is vital to the success of that campaign. It works the same way in dating. Showing vulnerability in the right way makes her trust you much more deeply. Page 157 157 The right time to do this is usually near the end of the Connection
Phase. You’ve shared what’s important to you, your values, and who you really are as a person. And most of that has probably been pretty positive, because you’ve wanted to make a great impression. It’s important that you don’t force a vulnerable moment, but if an opportunity arises to show a vulnerable side of yourself, don’t shy away from it, either. Notice a pattern here? Flexibility and a willingness to flow with the interaction as it happens is at the core of every step of the Elixir of Eros System. Now, with that said, you aren’t completely at the mercy of a random conversation. You can increase the likelihood of these vulnerable moments by asking questions like: “What’s the biggest lesson you’ve learned in life so far?” “What do you think is your biggest weakness?” “What mistakes do you think you’ve made in past relationships that you’ve learned from?” Keep in mind that she may not feel comfortable giving you a deep answer quite yet. But as always, you will then demonstrate how you want her to answer when she’s finished answering. Here are some of the best ways to demonstrate your vulnerability to her: Share a “Rock Bottom” Moment in Your Life that You Overcame “Rock Bottom” moments can shape who we are. They can propel us to new heights and teach us things we never knew about ourselves. Now, if you’re currently working through a custody battle for a kid, or undergoing treatment for a drug addiction, this is probably not the right time to share that information. But if you’ve already overcame something like that, and become a better man because of it, then by all means, share the pain, agony, trials, and tribulations you dealt with. Make sure you focus on how it’s made you a better person, and make it clear what you’ve learned from your “rock bottom” moment. Page 158 158 A Mistake or Lesson You’ve Learned from a Past Relationship You’re both single for a reason. Your last relationships haven’t gone perfectly, but again, hopefully you’ve learned from your mistakes. Maybe you didn’t know the right way to show your affection. Maybe you picked the wrong girl and fell for her beauty without seeing what kind of person she really was. Maybe you can talk about the first time your heart was broken and how it made you fear ever getting into a serious relationship again. But again…you’ve came out better on the other side, and that’s the key. Show her that yes, you’re a man who makes mistakes, like any romance novel hero, but you’re also the rare man in real life who actually learns from his mistakes.
A Fatal Flaw (That Really Isn’t So Fatal) I tell this to almost every girl I date at some point (and every word of it is true): “Here’s my fatal flaw: I have tunnel vision. When I get focused on a project, a business venture, or an area of my life that I want to improve, it’s really hard for me to focus on anything else. “I’m awful at living a ‘balanced’ life. Back in college, I laser focused on things that made me, well, kind of a piece of crap for a few years: partying and chasing ladies. Now, I’m super focused on my business. “It’s been a gift and a curse. It’s made me incredibly successful in business, and it’s gotten me really good at a few musical instruments. Generally I find good ways to channel it these days. “Yet, I always struggle with balance. It’s something I’m slowly getting better at, but I think to one degree or another, I’ll always have a little bit of tunnel vision.” What’s your fatal flaw (that really isn’t so fatal)? Are you a people pleaser who is too generous, so much that sometimes you get taken advantage of (but has hundreds of friends because of it)? Are you hyper competitive at work and in sports (but still win a lot)? Do you tend to take on too many projects at once, and get overwhelmed (but still get way more done than the average person)? Page 159 159 Nobody is perfect, so you have to learn to be comfortable with your faults. And figure out how to spin them as positive. If she discovers these faults through you being open and honest with her, then she’ll instantly trust you more. She’ll feel a much deeper bond with you, and she’ll see your small faults as “not that big of a deal” or even “cute.”
The Power of Uncertainty It’s important to remember that you have standards, and you are the one who should be a challenge. Your whole interaction will involve you subtly testing her for those “perfect girl” qualities on your list. This is the opposite of how most guys operate, and it’s why she will subtly put in more work for you throughout. We’ll end this section with the technique that is the “icing on the cake” to this mentality. I call it the “I wasn’t sure about you at first” frame. When you use this near the end of the Connection Phase, you’re going to slightly widen the gap between you and her. You’re going to push her away for just a brief second before closing that gap and reeling her back in. Here’s how to do it: Tell her you weren’t sure what to think about her at first. You were a little bit worried she was a little cold-hearted. Or a little too ADD. Or a
little too all over the place for you. BUT, you’re so glad that you put in the time to keep talking to her, because you were so wrong about her. That this part of her was all a “front”, an “act”, an “outer shell” or a “defense mechanism” And you’re so grateful to meet such an a genuinely awesome person. When I first said this, it was to my female friend, Kathy, back in college, and every word of it was true. But when I saw the effect it had on Page 160 160 her, I took note and immediately added it to my arsenal. To my delight (and that of the ladies) it had a similar effect almost every time. Here’s what happened. On the third time I hung out with Kathy, who I met in my social circle, I told her this: “You know what, Kathy, I really wasn’t sure what to think of you at first. Actually, to be honest, I thought you were kind of a rude, standoffish bitch.” She visually tensed up at this point. I could tell she was getting slightly insecure and afraid of what I was going to say next. “But the more I hang out with you, the more I realize how wrong I was. That’s just a front that you put up when you don’t know someone. Really, you’re a sweet, fun, adventurous girl, and I’m so happy that I didn’t give up on you, because I felt like I’ve met such a genuinely awesome person, and I’m really grateful for that.” At that point, she melted. She ran up to me and gave me a huge hug, thrilled that she had “won me over,” even though she hadn’t really been trying that hard to. We had just became more comfortable with each other. But in her mind, she immediately backwards rationalized that she had won me over. From that point on, Kathy was practically in love with me. We dated for nine months and had a lot of fun together. And I doubt any of that would have happened if I didn’t use this frame.
Think on This Few things are more powerful than the truth. I’m sure you’ve experienced this: the more you believe in something, the more likely you’re going to put 100% of your effort into it. This last item—like any of the other techniques in this book—is no different. When you first meet someone, male or female, you usually Page 161 161 aren’t sure about them until you get to know them better. It’s the truth, so don’t try to front. Come at it from a genuine perspective. You’re just stating the facts in a way that tends to make her fall head-over-heels
for you. That’s a big reason why the Elixir of Eros works so well for so many guys. You’re not only tapping into her subconscious tendencies; you’re also tapping into your own. And when you solidify your bond with an honest compliment, vulnerable moment, or story, you’ll love how she simply melts in front of your eyes. Page 162 162
CHAPTER 9 The Elixir of Eros Phase IV: Desire
“I like threesomes with two women, not because I’m a cynical sexual predator. Oh no! But because I’m a romantic. I’m looking for ‘The One.’ And I’ll find her more quickly if I audition two at a time.” ~ Russell Brand, 3x Shagger of the Year Now we’re getting into everyone’s favorite part. The Desire Phase is all about learning how to rev her up. This is where she gets full-on, animalistic, raging- megahuge- ladyboner turned on. And if you do everything right, and get her consent, you’ll sleep with her. We know that erotic desire is what leads to love, not the other way around. That’s why, in Western culture, sexual contact almost always comes before love. And since love is what we’re ultimately aiming for, we first have to make her want to have sex with you. The things we do for love, right? Here are some signs that you’re ready to move into this phase: • She is receptive to your physical touch and is not rejecting your physical escalation. • She initiates physical touch with you. • You are on a third date. • You have moved to your second “isolated” location. For example, maybe you isolated her from her Page 163 163 friends at the bar, and now you have moved on to a pizza shop, alone. By the time you reach the Desire Phase, your sexual tension with her will have reached its boiling point. She enjoys hanging out with you, and she wants to get sexual with you, and feel good about it too. Which means your number one goal during this phase is simply to get her aroused enough to have sex with you. When most guys reach this point with a woman, they end up committing one big mistake that screws everything up. And I was no dif-
I Have to Say It was an epic date. We met at the club and totally hit it off. I found out that she was spontaneous, one of my desired qualities, and the next thing I knew, we’d ditched our friends, hammered out a late-night round of mini golf, and were on a moonlit beach walk, even though it was still about a month away from being warm enough for that. She leaned into me, nuzzling under my jacket, and I felt a little flip in my heart. It was a perfect night, and I had to let her know. “Isn’t it crazy how we have this great connection? We both like adventure, we both totally suck at mini golf, and we’re both suckers for the beach. I have to say, I think I’m starting to fall for you. I really like you… like, a lot.” I felt her go stiff, and I admit, I didn’t think much of it when she meandered us back to the car and asked to be dropped off—it was getting late. But when she wouldn’t return my texts, I was crushed. We were so good for each other. What happened? Page 164 164
Jumping the Gun Confessing your feelings to a woman too early can be a death sentence for arousal. Remember, sexual desire comes before love, so when you tell her, “I really like you,” what you’re doing is jumping way ahead to a stage where she probably isn’t comfortable being yet. You don’t want her to think about the implications of love at this point. The Desire Phase is 100% emotional. There is NO logic in this phase whatsoever. And anytime you get too logical, well, it’s like being on the freeway and pulling the emergency brake—I don’t exactly recommend it. So, don’t be alarmed if many of the techniques and rules I’m about to teach you don’t seem to make logical sense at first. That’s a good thing because arousal doesn’t recognize logic. It doesn’t care whether you’re the perfect match on paper, or whether you have nothing in common. Once we get through this, it will make much more sense to you. You’ll understand which moves to take to predictably get her turned on, back to your place, and just as eager to get down to business as you are.
Always Gently Move the Interaction toward Sex Let’s talk about sex. And let’s talk about the date leading up to sex. When’s the right time to make your move? Well, it depends on a few factors. It depends on the girl’s “blueprint” for when she believes it’s “social-
ly acceptable” to have sex with a guy. Does she believe she’s a “slut” if she has sex with a guy on the first date? Or does she believe it’s natural to let sex happen whenever it happens? Page 165 165 It also depends on what time of month it is in her cycle. Is she ovulating, when girls are their horniest? Is she on her period? And it depends on the events going on in her life. Did she just break up with someone? Has it been too long since she’s had sex, and she just told herself that morning “I need to get laid?” Or does she desperately want a steady boyfriend and has just promised herself she won’t sleep with a guy until he’s committed to her? There are SO many variables. Some dating coaches like to regurgitate false rules like, “Girls with tattoos put out earlier,” or, “If she’s wearing a dress that goes below her knees, wait until the third date.” Given how far you’ve come in your training, you can probably tell right away that this nothing but bullshit designed to make the guy sound like he has it all figured out. You and I know that women are human, and as human, their tendencies will vary from person to person. Which is why I designed the Elixir of Eros to be so flexible. So, instead of relying on some arbitrary, useless rule, here’s what you can do to tell whether or not she’s ready for sex. First, follow this rule: always gently move the interaction toward sex. “Test the waters,” and see if she’s open to it early by escalating things physically—but not in an aggressive manner. Otherwise you run the risk of spoiling your chances if she denies you. For example, I will always invite girls back to my apartment complex for a drink after the first date. But I do so in a very non-aggressive way that A) doesn’t make it obvious I’m looking to hook up with her, and B) doesn’t make it weird if she says no. I’ll usually tell her, “Hey, my apartment has this AWESOME public rooftop with cabanas and couches overlooking the city. How about we grab our last drink there before calling it a night?” Then, when she’s at my apartment, I won’t aggressively try to get her in bed. Instead I’ll usually test the waters with a kiss on the rooftop. Also, when she first enters my apartment to get the wine before we go to the rooftop, I give her a short, two-minute tour. I love my sleep, so I have a big, comfy bed in my bedroom. Some girls claim it’s the comfiest bed in the world, and who am I to question them? So when the tour Page 166 166 inevitably ends in my bedroom, I tell her, “…and this is the comfiest bed on planet Earth. Lay on it for two seconds, and tell me I’m lying.” I’ve found that, if she is comfortable laying down on my bed, she
is much more likely to hook up with me and often sleep with me that same night. If she politely declines, she almost certainly is not going to sleep with me that night. Always gently move the interaction forward. Not aggressively. And no matter what “test” or “indicator” I suggest to you, no ALWAYS means no. Always get her verbal consent before having sex.
The Three-Date Blueprint Dates used to terrify me. Now I LOVE them, in part because when I simply follow this blueprint, I get laid about 90% of the time. There’s great comfort in knowing that, if I can just get a girl on date, this blueprint will do the rest for me. It allows me to relax and really have fun with her. And to maintain flexibility while still aiming for results, after every single date in the blueprint, I politely invite her back to my place. So, what’s the best way to invite her back to your place? In my current apartment, I’m lucky enough to have a cool rooftop to invite her back to, but that’s by no means a requirement to invite her back. Remember the magic word we use to help isolate a girl: because. Bringing a girl back to your apartment is just another form of isolating her. So, relax. You’ve got this. As long as you give her a reason to bring her back—other than “to go back to my place and hook up.” This is because most women want to be able to tell themselves that sex “just happened.” Throughout history, women have been shamed for their sexual desires. And although we’ve made a lot of progress in the last fifty years, there’s still often a negative stigma with “giving it up too easily” for many women. So give her a reason to come back to your apartment other than sex. Page 167 167 Here are some good reasons: • A board game you were telling her about. • A bottle of wine. • A cool balcony. • A TV show or movie you were talking about. • You want to introduce her to your pet you told her about . • You want to get her opinion on the decoration, because you’re re-doing the apartment (if you talked about this earlier). • You have a meal or snack you want to cook her. Again, it doesn’t matter much what the reason is. But here’s a key: you must seed the reason first. This means you should mention the bottle of wine earlier in your conversation. Mention the fact that you have a cool balcony. Talk about TV shows you both want to watch. Mention the fact that you need advice decorating your apartment. And then
have a small conversation about it…hours before you invite her back to your place. This way, it will come across far more naturally when you bring it up again later. “Hey, you know that nice bottle of wine my mom gave me? I think tonight’s the night to drink it. Let’s grab a cab back and have a glass.” “I feel like you have to meet my puppy, Scruffles. You two are going to get along splendidly. Do you have a few more minutes to say hi to him?” “I’m so hungry! I haven’t eaten for four hours. But you know what, I have all the ingredients to make that chicken pesto we talked about. How about we have a late night snack before calling it a night?” It’s NOT tough to invite a girl back to your place. And unless she’s extremely sensitive, she’s not going to think you’re a huge creep for suggesting any of these things. If she’s not ready to come back to your apartment yet, she’ll just say no, and that will be it. You won’t push it, and everyone will be cool. So again, after every date, politely invite her back. Now let’s get into the blueprint: Page 168 168 Date 1: The Feeler Date On the first date, I usually like to get drinks, coffee, or a very casual dinner. I will never go somewhere fancy during the first date. The main goal here is to connect, get to know each other, and if you met on a dating app…make sure she looks like her picture and isn’t a complete weirdo. If it’s an evening date, I’ll almost always ask, “Do you work early in the morning?” to get a sense for how late she can be out. If we’re meeting up at 8pm and she has to be up at 5am, I’ll likely give up on trying to invite her back to my place at the end of the date. Logistically, it will probably be impossible, and you have to respect that. On the other hand, if she has nothingplanned the next day, that door is a little bit more open, and I will be more assertive about trying to get her back to my place. Let’s say you make an amazing connection with her during this first meetup, and you want to keep the momentum going forward. In this case, you’ll use the isolation techniques you learned in the Connection Phase to bounce her to a second spot. For that reason, I almost always set my first date up in a location where there is a fun, easy to get to second spot nearby. Ideally, there will be more than one fun place to bounce to. Do this whenever possible, just in case she doesn’t like pizza or mini golf or whatever you suggest at first. And as you go on several first dates, try out several different spots until you find a go-to first date spot that you know like the back of your hand. The more comfortable you get with a location, the less nervous you’ll be with your lady. Get enough practice, and she’ll find your fun and comfort level infectious.
Date 2: The Adrenaline Date In 1973, psychologists Donald Dutton and Arthur Aron conducted a famous study. They had participants approach an attractive woman. Some had to cross a high, rickety bridge in order to get to her, while others only needed to cross a low, stable bridge. The result: the men on the shaky bridge found the girl much more attractive when asked to rate her afterwards, because when adrenaline and excitement increase, so does attraction. Page 169 169 Subsequent studies have shown that it works the same exact way with female-to- male attraction and that you don’t necessarily have to feel “fear” to have that effect. In 2011, seventy students at Midwestern University filled out a survey asking how attracted they were to members of the opposite sex after fifteen minutes of physical activity. They found that the increase in adrenaline from exercise caused them to rate members of the opposite sex as far more attractive. It’s a fact: adrenaline and excitement turn women on. So, for my second date, I will always base it on an activity that is exciting and causes a release of adrenaline in both of us. Some examples include: • Going to a roller skating rink • Going to a video game arcade • Hiking a small mountain or a trail • Paddle boarding or kayaking • Indoor skydiving The key is to do something somewhat active. This doesn’t necessarily mean you have to be physically fit—one of my favorite second dates is a video game arcade. Yet, you’re still walking around, and you’re not just sitting down for dinner or drinks like every other guy. While stirring up excitement, you’re also creating a fun memory of you and her in her mind. You’re showing her that you are far more creative than the average guy. And you’re both releasing adrenaline, which turns both of you on. So don’t forget to invite her back afterwards! Date 3: The Romantic Date On the third date, you can finally get a bit cliché. And even better, you are going to actually play upon the common belief that society teaches women: the third date is the “sex date.” You’re going to treat her like a princess. You’re going to take her out to a fancy dinner (bonus points if it’s candlelit). You’re going to buy her a great bottle of wine (if she’s into that sort of thing). And you’re going to pay for the whole damn thing. Page 170 170
No matter where you live, there are dozens of restaurants where you can have a romantic dinner. Do your research, and pick a place with a great reputation. Make sure you talk about favorite foods on one of the first two dates, so when the time comes, you choose a place with a menu she’ll appreciate. Once there, you want to have an amazing conversation with her. Go deep into the techniques in the Connection Phase. Create an unbreakable bond. And, of course, ask her to come home with you at the end of the night. If you want to make it even more of a sure thing that she’ll come home with you that night, try this: Pick a restaurant that is much closer to your place than hers. Have her park at your apartment fifteen to thirty minutes before your reservation, and walk to the place if you can (or take a cab or uber if it isn’t within walking distance). If she hasn’t been inside of your apartment yet, invite her in for drink a quick before you leave. That way she will be more comfortable coming back there later that night because she’s already familiar with it. Assuming you’ve done everything right, she will come back home with you the vast majority of the time. If she doesn’t, there are a few possible reasons why: • She’s especially conservative about sex, which is fine and very possible. In this case, if she’s a great girl who you think is worth the effort, keep taking her on exciting dates until she feels comfortable enough. Worst case scenario, you’ll have some fun times with a cool person. • You made a mistake during one of the dates. You were too needy or you just hadn’t yet mastered the techniques to the point where they are second nature. Some of these techniques take some practice, so don’t get frustrated if there’s a learning curve. And just because a girl agreed to go on a third date with you doesn’t mean you didn’t make a mistake somePage 171 171 where along the way. Keep practicing, either on her or a new girl. • She’s been sexually assaulted or had a traumatic sexual experience. Men, this is something we have to be sensitive toward. Nearly one in five women have been sexually assaulted, so it’s VERY common to find a wonderful girl who is secretly trying to overcome that trauma. I’ve dated several girls who have been raped, and in general, they tend to be much more cautious about sex. Realize that the problem might
not be you, and be patient with her. Before we move on, I have one final note. If a girl sleeps with you on the first date, and you’re looking for more than a one night stand with her, you should still take her on the last two dates! This system isn’t made for guys who only want to sleep with girls. It’s made for guys who want to get women addicted to them. And regardless of when you sleep with her, this is an incredibly effective blueprint for the first three times you hang out with a woman after getting her phone number.
Windows of Opportunity If you’re afraid to make a move on a girl, I get it. Whether that move is touching her for the first time—and leaving your hand there, kissing her, or asking her to come back to your place, the prospect of getting rejected can be terrifying. You may have even bought into the “perfection fallacy” that holds thousands of shy guys back. This is where you tell yourself that you have to wait for the perfect moment to make your move. You have to be perfectly smooth as you touch her and say that perfect line before you go in for the kiss. Page 172 172 If this sounds like you, then I’ve got news, buddy: you’re being a wuss, plain and simple. Now, I’m not trying to talk down to you. I’ve been there. I was a wuss for most of my adult life. But you’re only lying to yourself when you think something like, “I won’t make my move just yet…the conditions aren’t perfect.” You are just rationalizing the fact that you’re afraid to make a move because you’re afraid of rejection. Remember what we talked about in the confidence section: systematic desensitization is one of the most sure-fire methods for facing your fears. Go back and review that if you need a quick confidence boost. Now, with all that in mind, let’s get into a very important concept: windows of opportunity. You see, here’s the thing: women don’t care all that much whether you’re a “smooth criminal” when you make a move on her. Real life dating situations aren’t like the movies. There usually isn’t going to be that perfect moment where you kiss her on top of a scenic mountain to a crescendo of orchestral music, the camera panning around right before the closing credits roll. She knows this, and she doesn’t expect that level of smoothness from you. Here’s what women do care about: if she gives you a window of opportunity to make a move on her…and you miss it. Maybe she wants you to make some physical contact with her. Maybe she wants you to kiss her. Maybe she’s ready to have sex with you, and she wants you to invite her back to your place. If she is ready, and you miss that window of opportunity, she usually won’t give you another chance.
Sometimes she’ll give you subtle “hints” that she’s ready. If you’re really behind the game, she may even touch you first, to make it obvious that it’s time to move things forward. More often, she will do nothing and expect you to magically know when it’s time to escalate the situation. And worst of all, she’ll take it personally—and sometimes even get offended—when you don’t. That’s yet another reason why you should always gently move the interaction forward sexually. That way, you guarantee you never miss an opportunity, because you’re never being “stagnant.” Every move you make should lead the interaction in a sexual direction. Page 173 173 So from now on, I don’t want you to worry one bit about whether you touch her in the exact right place. Or whether you kiss her at that perfect time. Or if you ask her to come home in the perfect way. The fact is, you have a window of time to make your move. Usually it’s anywhere between thirty seconds and twenty minutes. Hit. That. Window. If you think you’ve missed a window and you’re worried that it may be “too late,” go for it anyway. Often you’ll still have time. But every second you wait only hurts you. Here’s my rule of thumb: If you’re with a woman, and you’re wondering if it’s time to make a move, 99% of the time the answer is YES. Like, right now. Like, don’t hesitate, dude; just go for it before you miss your window. So next time you find yourself second guessing the moment, stop yourself immediately. That fearful part of your brain is trying to keep you in your comfort zone. It’s making irrational excuses. Push it aside, and ACT.
How to Touch Her Some dating gurus like to tout what they call “escalation ladders.” Unfortunately for them, a woman’s sexual arousal doesn’t have an instruction manual. It’s not, “Do ‘A,’ then ‘B,’ and hold out your hand and receive ‘SEX.’” I can’t give you that. No one can. But I can give you a general blueprint for how and when to touch a girl. And I can give you a few rules to make your life much easier. Let’s get to it: Page 174 174 Rule 1: Touch If you haven’t sation, you’ve weirder it will
Her as Soon as Humanly Possible touched her within the first two minutes of convermade a mistake. The longer you wait to touch her, the be.
Touch is one of the oldest forms of human communication, and not all touch is sexual. So if you’re having a normal conversation with her, it shouldn’t be weird to lightly touch her shoulder for two seconds as make a point to her. Rule 2: Touch EVERYONE You Talk To If you talk to a bunch of people, but you only touch her, it no longer feels natural. It becomes creepy. Touch the men you talk to. Touch her ugly friend who you’re not interested in. Practice casual, non-sexual touch on everyone. Again, it’s a normal and crucial part of human interaction, and you need to be comfortable with it if you want to communicate well. Rule 3: Don’t Look Where You Touch If you want your touch to seem “natural,” don’t draw attention to it. In fact, she should barely notice that it’s happening at all. When I take men out on dating bootcamps, they often stare at their hand as they touch a woman. She follows his eyes, notices that his hand is now resting on her shoulder, and flinches or cringes a bit. Things are now officially weird. Don’t directly look where you touch. Let your peripheral vision do the work for you. Now, here are the different “levels” of physical touch. It’s best to start touching her at the first level right when you start talking to her, then move up to higher levels as your interaction continues. Level 1: Incidental Contact This is contact that is borderline unintentional and just happens because you are in close proximity with her. Here are some examples: • Your leg touching against hers as you sit next to her. Page 175 175 • You frisking against her shoulder as you talk to her. • You putting your hand on her shoulder as you move past her. Level 2: Light Intentional Contact This type of contact is very brief. It usually only lasts a few seconds, but it is clearly intentional. Here are some examples: • You briefly touch her shoulder as you make a point. • You pat her leg as she says something you sympathize with. • You rest your hand across her elbow as you say something. Level 3: Playful Contact This contact is fun and should only come once you have some sort of rapport with her. The intent of it is to tease. Here are some examples:
• You very lightly tickle her shoulder or midsection as you tease her. • You pretend to push her away as you she says something you playfully disagree with. • You squeeze her forearm, with a big smile on your face, as you make fun of her. Level 4: Light Romantic Bonding This is the first contact that solidifies that you and her may be an item. It is the first contact that is somewhat sexual in nature, because it implies that you both like each other. If she denies this, then simply stop and try again later. As long as she still continues to talk to you, “no” generally means “not yet.” Here are some examples: Page 176 176 • You hold her hand as you are sitting or moving somewhere else. Bonus points if you play with each other’s fingers. • You lock your arm around hers. • You put your arm around her as you sit down and lightly stroke her shoulder. • You rest your arm on her thigh and slowly massage or twirl your finger around her. Level 5: Light Sexual Contact This is the first contact that is definitely somewhat sexual in nature. Note that if she is open to this kind of contact it doesn’t necessarily mean she is ready for sex. Yet, some women consider it the first stage of foreplay. Here are some examples: • Placing your hand on top of her neck, lightly scratching her head, and playing with the bottom part of her hair. • Stroking her inner thigh as you sit. • Placing your hand on her butt. • Kissing her. Level 6: Clothed Foreplay This kind of contact can be done in private or sometimes in certain public places (you’ll often see it in bars). It is very sexual in nature, although all of your clothes remain on. Here are some examples: • Kissing her neck. • Caressing her breasts and butt while she is clothed. • Rubbing her pussy above her pants. • While you are on top of her in bed, placing your knee between her legs so she can grind against it.
Page 177 177 Level 7: Unclothed Foreplay This is real foreplay: clothes off, ready to go. Here are some examples: • Massaging her bare breasts. • Fingering her. • Eating her out. Level 8: Sex This is when you do the dirty. Stuff the taco. Gland to gland combat. No example necessary.
Mastering Sexual Energy Bear in mind that sexual tension is a mixture of sexual attraction and fear of the unknown. This kind of awareness is necessary for mastering that energy. Often guys give into the fear that sexual tension makes them feel. They become passive and take the safe, easy route of non-action. This could mean making eye contact with a beautiful girl but making up some excuse not to approach her. It could mean talking to a girl but not trying to use any of the techniques in this book because they’re not “ready” yet. It could mean never making a sexual move on a girl they like because they’re looking for that “perfect” opportunity. But in reality, they’re just scared. And they’ve just fumbled themselves into the friend zone. Other guys have the opposite problem. They allow themselves to be taken with the sexual attraction they feel, and they end up hollering aimlessly at a woman they see on the street, groping some poor woman at a bar, or even forcing themselves on a woman. In short, they are way too aggressive, way too early, and the result is dangerously inappropriate. Page 178 178 When you interact with an attractive woman, you want to live in the middle of the “sexual” energy and the “fearful” energy. Think back to the earlier stages of the Elixir of Eros System. You do this by complimenting her, yet using a playful obstacle. Or giving her strong sexual eye contact, yet teasing her. Or grabbing her and playing with her hand, while also calling her a “friend.” During the Desire Phase, you feel the need to give in to your sexual attraction. You want to move away from the obstacles that worked so well for you at first, and be present and comfortable with the sexual energy now coursing through your body. Did you know that you can actually transfer emotions from one person to another? My friend and mentor Dr. David Tien taught this
to me, and I’ll teach it to you. The psychological concept behind the technique is called “emotional contagion,” and it proves that you can actually “catch” emotions from people around you, whether it’s fear, happiness, or even horniness. So the more comfortable you get being “present” with your sexual energy, the more of a master you’ll be with sexual tension. The less fear you feel around her, the less fear she’ll feel around you, and the less likely she will be to object to your advances. Now, I want to give you an exercise that will help you harness this sexual energy and become more comfortable with it over time. I want you to eventually practice this on attractive women that you want to sleep with, but feel free to practice this while looking at pictures of hot girls in magazines or even pornography at first, just to get the basics down. You can do that, right? Doctor’s orders… Then move on to attractive women you interact with in your dayto-day life, like waitresses and bartenders. Then, as you get better, use this when you find yourself entering into the Desire Phase of the Elixir of Eros System. Here’s what to do: Step 1: Appreciate Her Beauty Look at her. Don’t look at her tits or ass, and don’t blatantly check her out. I mean, look at her. Appreciate the fact that you are talking to a beautiful, sexual being, someone who has the power to give life, Page 179 179 to give sexual pleasure, and who has a whirlwind of her own sexual energy. Step 2: Notice Your Sexual Energy The first step is to recognize the energy. Just gently notice that it’s there. Where do you feel it in your body? Is it moving or staying in the same place? If you had to give it a color, what color would that energy be? I know this sounds a little “new-agey.” I’m a very blunt, common sense type of guy, not some hippie. I’m not asking you to summon this energy with a spell or anything. I’m simply giving you a simple, practical tool to identify your sexual energy and harness it. Step 3: Breathe and Be Present with the Energy Now, as you continue talking to her, focus on your breath. Notice how your breath moves that energy through your body. Where do you feel it moving? Does the color change? Can you feel it moving up and down your spine? The Taoists believed that sexual energy flowed from your penis to your spine to the back of your head, so those are common places where you may feel it. Simply accept that this energy is there. If you feel ashamed of it or uncomfortable, don’t try to suppress that. Just let it be. Step 4: Look into Her Eyes
The eyes have been called “the windows to the soul,” and they are wonderful for transferring sexual energy. Simply continue talking to her as you normally would. The conversation topic can be something completely boring; it doesn’t matter. But I want you be present with your sexual energy, look deep into her eyes, and notice as she begins to feel it. Step 5: Transfer Your Sexual Energy to Her Now, as you look into her eyes, start to consciously trying to pour your energy into her. Increase your eye contact just a bit. At this point in the interaction, you should also be comfortable touching each other. Do so, whether it’s holding her hand or putting your hand on her thigh. Don’t grope her. Just touch her as you normally would. And gently focus on transferring just a little bit of that sexual energy from you to her. Page 180 180 Step 6: When You Can Tell She Feels It, Let It Simmer Don’t be an overeager puppy that jumps into her lap at the first sign that she feels your energy. Sexual energy is so much more powerful when you let it simmer. Talk about something completely non-sexual, but let a small, knowing grin spread across your face—a smile that says, “I know what you’re feeling, and I can feel it too. But I’m going to control myself—for now.” Continue to breathe, and be present in the moment. Let the energy slowly build up until, at some point, she can’t control herself. You can’t control yourself. And you guys are all over each other, tsunami in full effect. Energy = Power The more comfortable you get with sexual tension, the more you can harness it and use it to your advantage. If you feel it only to shrink away in fear, she will get scared, too. And if you feel it, but are overeager, you may scare her off. When you feel sexual energy and are present with it, you can control it. You can increase that energy within her. You don’t have to manipulate her or trick her into bed. Instead, by naturally growing and feeding her that energy, she will become so overwhelmed that she will want to get down just as badly—if not more so—than you. She may even make the first move.
Kiss the Girl When you go in for the kiss, keep in mind what we talked about regarding windows of opportunity. When you think it’s time to kiss her, it probably is time to kiss her. By this point in the game, you should be in close physical proximity with her. Your face should be very close to hers. If you’re sitting next Page 181
181 to her, and in a loud venue, you should be whispering in her ear. You should be engaged in at least Level 4 touch with her. And at that moment when you stare into her eyes for a few seconds, and neither of you say a word…it’s time to make your move. But what if you’re still not sure? It can be difficult, I know. But I’m here to help. I’m going to give you two lines you can say to make things easier and know for sure, when you’re looking into her eyes, whether or not she’s ready to be kissed. The first one is rather obvious: “I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.” If she responds, “Why don’t you want to kiss me?” then kiss her. If she doesn’t say anything and keeps the same body language, kiss her. If she recoils or moves away, it’s the wrong time. Wait until later. The second line is even more direct: “If [not for obstacle], I’d totally kiss you right now.” You have plenty of options here, and it’s super easy to customize this to your situation. “If we weren’t in public, I’d totally kiss you right now,” “If we hadn’t just met, I would definitely kiss you right now,” “I would totally kiss you right now, but I can’t do that because I might start to like you.” It doesn’t matter much what the obstacle is, as long as it’s somewhat reasonable, but at the same time, easy to overcome. Apply the same rules from the first example when determining whether or not to go for it (hint: if you’ve done everything else right, 99% of the time, you should go for it after this line). Kissing a girl isn’t hard. It doesn’t matter if you’re Mr. Smooth or if you have the perfect line. You just have to do it.
Use This Superpower for Good What I’m about to teach you is sneaky. OK, maybe it’s a bit deceptive. And it should only be used if you have good intentions. Page 182 182 At one point, I started telling this to “good girls” who I was trying to take home, girls that I sensed needed some reassurance that the idea of going back to my place was OK: “Let’s go back to my place for that last drink. But you have to promise that we’re not hooking up tonight. I do really like you, and I just think it’d be better if we made the commitment not have sex or anything, so we don’t ruin this.” Usually I’d get a response like, “Yeah, I’m really glad you said that. I like you too, and if we hooked up tonight, it might screw things up or make it awkward. So it sounds like a plan!” But when I brought these conservative, “good girl” types back home, a funny thing started happening. We almost always ended up sleeping
together. Often times it ended up being me trying to throw them off me, saying, “Hey! I thought we weren’t going to hook up!” It was like I’d sparked a sexual fire inside of them that they just had to act on. Like they were thinking, “Oh, so he doesn’t want to hook up with me tonight? I’ll show him.” It was simple reverse psychology, simple use of obstacles. Tell a girl she couldn’t have something, and she instantly wanted it. The first time this happened, it was like a lightbulb went on in my head. When I saw how potent it was, I fully admit to going through a brief phase in which I said this to almost every girl. And once she knew that she couldn’t hook up with me, all I had to do was sit back and watch her make the first move on me once we got back to my place. And if she wasn’t aggressive enough to make the first move, she would almost always be receptive to me when I tried to hook up with her. It was crazy. But after a while, I started to feel bad about the idea of manipulating someone, so I stopped. Now, I only say this when I actually think a girl needs reassurance that you’re not going to try anything creepy when you get back to your place. I turn to her and say, “OK…I guess we can go back to my apartment, but only if you SWEAR to me that we’re not having sex. We just can’t tonight. I really like you, and I want to actually get to know you before we do anything like that, deal?” And if she makes the move on me anyway, sometimes I’ll let Page 183 183 her do it, and sometimes I’ll make her wait. You just have to feel out that situation. The moral is, use this tool carefully. I’m not going to blame you if you feel the need to have a lot of fun with it for a few months like I did. But try not to be a completely deceptive dick about it. It’s just too powerful, and you’re too good of a person.
The Psychology of Consent Just because a girl is in your bed does not mean she’s going to have sex with you. Remember verbal consent? That shit’s important, and I will never have sex with a woman unless she’s practically begging me for it. So how do you get a woman to the point of begging you for sex, especially given how common it is for them to have second thoughts about it at the last minute? That last minute switch-a-roo used to drive me nuts. It seemed like I was doing everything right, but just when we were about to kick off the no-pants dance, she’d close down and get all weird. WTF? Here’s why that happens. Have you ever noticed how, when you see a hot girl who you want to approach, your brain will inevitably come
up with all kinds of silly excuses why you shouldn’t approach her? “Oh, she’s probably got a boyfriend.” “Now isn’t the best time. I’ll wait until later.” “I can’t think of anything clever to say.” Well, women do the same thing, only they usually do it right before sex. Frustrating, right? But to be honest, she’s not doing it to spite you, and she has a perfectly good reason. Remember, as far as evolution is concerned, the human brain is stuck about 200,000 years in the past. Back in the caveman days, the consequences of approaching the wrong woman could be catastrophic Page 184 184 for a man. He could get his skull bashed in with a rock for approaching a girl who was already taken, so we evolved to be anxious about approaching women. On the other hand, for women, the consequences of having sex with the wrong man could be catastrophic: death during childbirth, abandonment from her so-called “protector,” even just passing on poor genes. So she evolved to be anxious right before having sex. This is why her mind will also come up with all kinds of silly excuses when the moment comes: “If we have sex, he’ll think I’m a slut.” “If we have sex, he’ll probably get needy and want to jump into a relationship.” “We’ve only gone on a few dates. We barely know each other.” She gets nervous and rationalizes why she shouldn’t have sex with you, often even when you’ve done everything else right. When this happens, it’s your job to make her feel comfortable, to reassure her that you don’t need to have sex, but if she does decide to go through with it, it’ll be a good decision. Let’s go over some strategies for overcoming that anxiety. 1) Reassure Her That You’re Completely OK Not Having Sex The last thing you want to make her feel is pressure. Pressure makes her feel smothered; it makes her want to run. Instead, make it clear that you’re not going to be mad if she doesn’t give it up. In fact, it’s not all that big of a deal at all. Of course you want to have sex with her…she’s incredibly sexy. But you’re not going to throw a hissy fit if it doesn’t happen. Here are some things I often find myself saying to women: “You know when I feel like the best time to have sex is? When both people are completely comfortable with it, and both want it just as badly. I enjoy hanging out with you, kissing you, and stroking you…but I’m completely OK hearing no, and I respect that.” “Of course I want to have sex with you. You are fucking gorgeous. You are adorable. But I also really enjoy spending time with you, and
I think you’re an amazing person…and sex wouldn’t change that at all Page 185 185 for me. But if it would for you, I totally get it, and I’m not going to lose sleep over not having sex with you tonight.” 2) If She Denies You, Take a Step Back and Try Later If she doesn’t let you take off her panties, go back to playing with her tits. If she doesn’t let you take off her bra, go back to kissing her neck. If she doesn’t let you feel her up, go back to kissing her. It’s as simple as that. When a girl rejects your advances, just go back to whatever you were doing before, and try to turn her on more doing that. No always means no, but often times it also means “not yet.” So don’t make it weird by calling attention to the fact that she rejected your latest advance. Don’t have a conversation about “why” she doesn’t want to have sex yet. Just loop back to your previous move, keep doing that for a few more minutes, get her horny—horny to the point where she wants it even more than you do—then give it another go. Some girls have taken dozens of attempts of gentle persistence before feeling ready for sex or even for me to take off her bra. This is what some dating coaches call “token resistance.” You see, some girls feel as though they have to say no to you a certain number of times before they “let you” sleep with her. They want you to feel as though you’ve “earned it,” and they want to feel like they’re enough of a “good girl” to not say yes to your very first advance. Don’t let this get you down. It’s all part of the game. 3) Shower Her with Sexual Compliments Consider these quotes: “To be desired was at the heart of women’s desiring. Narcissism, she stressed—and she used the word not in damning judgement but in plain description—was at the core of women’s sexual psyches.” - Ogi Agas and Sai Gaddam, describing their meeting with Marta Meana, renowned psychology professor at UNLV “The desire of the man is for the woman. The desire of the woman is for the desire of the man.” - Madame De Stael Women want to be wantedby a man they value. In fact, two world-renowned psychologists, Dr. Bruce Ellis and Dr. Donald Symons, discovPage 186 186 ered in 1990 that over half of a woman’s fantasies reflect her desire to be sexually irresistible. So, when you’re in bed with her, use your language to appeal to her narcissism. Speak to the side of her that wants to be a sex goddess, because for many, many women, they need to feel so sexy to you that you can barely control yourself.
These compliments don’t have to be elaborate. Some of my favorites when I am in bed with her are: “Oh my god, you are so fucking sexy.” “I can barely control myself around you, babe.” “You have no idea how much you turn me on.” “Why are you so god damn irresistible?” Pretty straightforward, right? The point here is to make her feel good. Make her feel sexy. Do this, and her clothes will fall right off. 4) When in Doubt, Freeze Her Out What if you have showered her with compliments, tried repeatedly and unsuccessfully to make a move, and told her that you are A-OK not having sex…yet she still doesn’t feel comfortable with you? Simple. Stop trying. She may truly not be ready yet, and that’s all good. Respect that. Start doing something else. Maybe play on your phone a bit. Maybe, if you’re a bit sneaky, even start actively ignoring her a little bit. Don’t be mean to her; just turn your attention elsewhere. You’re not going to have sex, so what’s wrong with focusing on something else? You’ll notice that many times, she will be shocked that you have suddenly lost sexual interest in her. “What’s wrong?” she may ask. “Nothing!” you’ll reply. “I’m good. You?” “Yeah, I’m good,” she might say. Then go back to whatever your new activity is. On occasion, you’ll notice that a funny thing happens then. When she is no longer the object of your desire, she will covet being that again. And sometimes that means she’ll want to have sex with you. Page 187 187 One time, a girl even put on all of her clothes, walked to my door, and then turned around at the last second to tell me, “This is really weird. I know I just spent the last two hours telling you we’re not having sex. But for some reason I really want to have sex with you now.” She took off all of her clothes, jumped back in my bed, and spent the next two hours riding the bone rollercoaster. The “freeze out” is a powerful tool. And just like the others, it’s even more powerful when it’s not used with manipulative intent. Because sometimes a girl simply isn’t ready to have sex with you the first night she’s in your bed, and that’s OK. Every girl is different, and like I said earlier, when you apply too much pressure, it’s a recipe for disaster. If you become that pushy asshole, she’s not going to want to see you again.
Think on This Keep in mind that, what you want to do is create a pressure-free environment for her. Don’t get me wrong, you should always push the
interaction forward. But stop when she says no. And if at first you don’t succeed, try try again later. Make her feel good about the experience by showering her with sexual compliments. If she still doesn’t want to have sex, it’s all good! Do something else. Maybe she’ll feel an irresistible urge to jump back in bed with you. Maybe she won’t. There’s always next time. Page 188 188
CHAPTER 10 The Elixir of Eros Phase V: Devotion
“Life is too short to be living someone else’s dream.” ~ Hugh Hefner The final phase of the Elixir of Eros System is one of the most powerful. It’s also 100% optional. Please note that you should NOT enter into this phase with just any girl—she has to a girl you seriously want a long-term relationship with. If you’ve done everything right up to this point, and you do everything right in this phase, your girl will be completely addicted to you. She will be in love. And if you don’t love her back, hell, even if you’re not sure if you love her yet, you should NOT go through with this phase. It’s a dick move to make a girl love you, just to feel good about yourself. The consequences of falling in love with the wrong person can be disastrous. Anyone who’s been in a nasty divorce or breakup can tell you that. You can lose months of your life to the heartbreak and mental anguish. You can lose every penny you’ve earned. You can lose children you love. It’s not fun stuff. The Elixir of Eros System is not meant to change a woman. It’s simply designed to compel a woman, as she is, to sleep with you and to fall for you. This means that, no matter how good you are at using the system, you can’t “fix” a girl who is immoral or a chronic cheater or a gold digger or even just a poor match for you. So, if you’ve moved through the Desire Phase with a girl who does not meet your “perfect girl” standards, do NOT move any further with her. Page 189 189 But if you’ve reached this point in the process with a girl who does fit those standards, then congratulations! You’ve met the rare girl who is a great match for you, both physically and emotionally. And you’re so close to “winning” the game. Your one goal in this phase is to make her fall in love with you, or in other words, solidify her addiction to you. Remember, chemically speaking, love is an addiction. It generates the same response as drug
addiction, gambling addiction, or any other kind of addiction in the brain. Some signs you are ready for this phase are: • You have achieved maximum physical intimacywith a girl. 99% of the time, in Western culture, this means you’ve had sex with her. In rare cases, she may be a virgin saving herself for marriage. Or she may have been sexually assaulted and still have some negative associations with sex. In those rare cases, the “maximum physical intimacy” you can realistically achieve for now may mean something less than sex. This is the exception, not the rule. • You’ve gone through your “perfect girl” qualities, and you believe she is a great, long-term match. • She has verbally expressed interest in a long-term relationship with you. So, what do you think? Are you ready for this? Is she relationship material? Are you positive you can love her back, and be just as devoted to her as she will be to you? If so, let’s do this. Page 190 190
Ms. Right At times, it hits me. Usually in those half-conscious moments of clarity right after having amazing sex when she’s in the bathroom and I’m lying flat-out on the bed, trying to figure out just how that got all the way over there. How far I’ve come. I’m not quite sure yet if she’s the one. She has a lot going for her, especially that one thing she does with her tongue. But there are a few things about her that make me hesitant, and I certainly don’t want to settle for anyone I won’t be 100% happy with. And to be honest, I’m not sure that she isn’t sitting in there, thinking the exact same thing. I lean into the pillow, content with the decision I may have just made. Perhaps I won’t move things further with her. And that’s OK. I’ll be fine. She’ll be fine. We had fun. And we’ll keep having fun, even if it’s with other people. I definitely wouldn’t have had this presence of mind when I first started dating around. I would’ve lost my shit, probably fumbled right into marrying her. Probably would’ve ended up hurting us both when it didn’t last two years. I’ll find the one. I’m sure of that. And I’m sure I’ll be able to keep her once I do. But in the meantime, I’m having an amazing time audi-
The Double Down If you make the commitment to master the system, you’ll probably get deadly good at the first four phases. But if you’re anything like I was, you might hit a roadblock when you reach the Devotion Phase. Despite all your efforts, you may still struggle in finding love with the type of Page 191 191 girl you really want. You may find it relatively easy to attract and sleep with girls who you view as “beneath you,” but your dream girl still remains elusive. Despite the power of the Devotion Phase, you’ll find that it’s the least technique- focused phase of the entire system. That’s because so much of keeping the right type of girl depends on who you truly are as a person. Yes, your dream girl also has a blueprint for the type of person she wants to settle down with. It may not be as concrete as yours, but it’s still in her mind on some level. It includes: • The hobbies and activities he does in his free time. • How he makes her feel on a day-to-day basis. • What type of profession he is in. • What type of physical shape he is in. • How he dresses. • The type of people he surrounds himself with. • What is his living situation. • What type of income he brings in. Now, rarely will a woman find a man who meets every one of her criteria. But if she’s into guys who love hiking and nature, who are in great physical shape, who dress in semi-formal clothes on social occasions, and like to hang around with outdoorsy, free-spirited people, then she’s probably not going to fall in love with an out-of-shape guy who stays inside all day, dresses in white t-shirts, and has no friends. Even if he’s a master of the Elixir of Eros System. You simply can’t force what isn’t there. It’s crucial that you become the type of person who attracts the perfect woman for you. Focus just as much on building the best version of yourself as you do on practicing the techniques in this book. And if you’re completely unwilling to build yourself into the type of man who fits the blueprint of your perfect girl, then it’s probably time to re-evaluate the kind of girl you’re shooting for. Page 192 192 Though I’ve given you shortcuts and little tricks whenever possible
along the way—and even encouraged you to “fake it till you make it” at times—once you reach the Devotion Phase, you cannot fake it. The true you will come out. That’s the bad news, but there is also good news. You can substantially increase the number of women you are “compatible” with by laser focusing on just a few things, things that can’t hurt your personality. Things like: Meditating: It’s best that you have a clear, focused, and happy mind most of the time. When your mind is unclouded with the day-to-day anxieties that plague most people, you will be much easier for ANY girl to be around. You will make her feel more in-the-moment, rather than anxious. You will bring out the best in her, and she will know that you rarely add unnecessary drama or negative emotions to her life. Finding Alternate Sources of Income: The vast majority of girls aren’t gold diggers, yet almost everybody appreciates the freedom that more money can buy: the freedom to travel, the freedom to live in the kind of house you want, the freedom to go out to restaurants and events without worrying about price. There are hundreds of good resources that can help you bring in some additional income, and in today’s “online” economy, hustling on the side has never been easier. For a primer on getting your financials in order, I recommend Ramit Sethi’s best-selling book, I Will Teach You to Be Rich. Mastering a Craft or Hobby You Love: Every man has that craft or hobby that you know would make you happier if you devoted some time to it. A man who is pursuing mastery in some area of his life is supremely attractive to most women. A man who is pursuing mastery in multiple areas (i.e. not just in his work life) is practically irresistible. Want to get good at a sport you’ve always loved? Do it! Want to be able to rock that instrument you stopped playing when you were a kid? Now is the time! Are you an artist who’s stopped painting or writing because he’s gotten too busy? Find thirty minutes a day to dedicate to it. It is time much better spent than watching your favorite TV show. Throwing Out 50% of Your Wardrobe, and Replacing It with More Stylish Clothes: Most women want a man who is reasonably well Page 193 193 put together. So throw out those old rags that you know aren’t helping you with the ladies. Then spend just one or two days shopping. Bonus points if you find a female friend who is willing to help you. Notice how, at this stage in the game, you are almost circling back to square one. You are re-dedicating yourself to some of the very same things that made a woman curious about you in the first place. You see, when most guys near the Devotion Phase with a woman, they get lazy and complacent. They tell themselves, “OK, I’ve got my girl! Now I can relax and go back to being my old self.”
I’m no exception. I put on about twenty pounds in the first six months of dating both of my first two serious girlfriends. I started telling myself, “My girlfriend is what makes me happy. I’ve got her. So now, I can just slack off in all other areas of my life.” When I did, though, the rest of my hard-earned progress started slipping. My dates started getting plainer and more routine until my only date suggestion was a “pizza and movie night.” You can guess how those relationships ended. They got bored and eventually moved on to a guy who was the real deal. Women don’t truly want to be the center of your life. They may say they do, but they’d rather you have more going on than that. In David Deida’s classic book on masculine energy, The Way of The Superior Man, he shares a very telling story. There’s a soldier who must go to war. It is his duty. His purpose. He’s been training for it for years. His woman begs him not go. “Please stay home with me,” she says. “You can’t go.” But Deida argues that deep down, she would be deeply dissatisfied if he did as she asked and stayed. Because women, even if they say the opposite in the short term, want a man who passionately follows his purpose. She can’t be your purpose. As harsh as it sounds, (and as much as pop music clichés might say otherwise), she must remain second. The instant she becomes the center of your world is the instant her feelings for you start to wane. This doesn’t mean you can’t adore her, treat her like a princess, and be the best boyfriend or husband on Earth. It only means that your passions and mission in life must come first. Page 194 194 So make those other areas of your life dynamic. Make yourself compatible with as many girls as close to your “perfect girl” as possible. As an Elixir of Eros Insider, I want you to do the opposite of what most guys do when they “settle down” with an awesome girl—the opposite of what I did during those two relationships. Instead of getting complacent, you are going to double down on your self-improvement. You’re going to re-dedicate yourself to becoming an even better version of yourself, to finding and following your passions, to being as close as possible to her “ideal man.” You’re going to set an example for her, and you’re going to make her proud. You’re going to start every day by looking yourself in the mirror and asking, “How can I become just a little bit better?” Be the man who inspires her every day, and you will never lose her.
Treat Yo Self You cannot give what you do not have. This is as true in love as it is anywhere else. You can’t truly love a woman, not in the way she wants you to love her, unless you first love yourself.
As soon as you finish this book, I want you to go pick up one more: Maximum Achievement by world-renowned success coach, Brian Tracy. It’s the best self-help book I’ve ever read, and it gives you a no-nonsense approach to building the best version of you possible. Throughout the book, Tracy constantly stresses the importance of self-esteem. You see, successful people, in love and in life, usually like themselves. They have high self-esteem. Unsuccessful people usually don’t like themselves. They have low self-esteem. But strangely enough, it’s not “outward success” that leads to high-esteem and happiness. It’s the high self-esteem that leads to success. Liking yourself is usually a prerequisite to success. Page 195 195 Think of yourself as a “tank” that holds love. When it’s empty, and you don’t love yourself, your attempts to love other people come across as needy. This is because, in reality, you’re usually just being selfish. You’re reaching out and trying to “take” someone else’s love so you can fill up your own tank and feel better about yourself. But what if your love tank was already full? Or what if it replenished itself on a daily basis? Then, when you reach out to love someone else, it wouldn’t come from a place of neediness or scarcity. It would come from a place of abundance. You aren’t trying to siphon off someone else’s love. You’re giving them some of your own love, just because, well, you love them! If your self-esteem is low, and you don’t absolutely love yourself yet, here’s a good way to triple what you have in your tank in just five minutes a day: Step 1: Write at Least Three Paragraphs about What It Would Look Like to Live a Life You Were Proud Of What would your habits be on a day-to-day basis? How would you spend most of your time? What activities would you cut out? How would you treat other people? What would your barometers of “success” be? Answer these questions in as much detail as possible. Then, re-write the paragraphs in the present tense. For example, instead of writing, “I would treat other people with respect and always try to give more than I take,” you would write, “I treat other people with respect and always give more than I take.” This is because your mind isn’t that great at distinguishing visualizations from reality. So if you actively visualize your desired reality in the present tense, your mind will, on some level, actually believe you are already living your life that way. You will then subconsciously start to take on the habits of that version of yourself. Once you’ve completed this exercise, spend two to three minutes every morning reading these paragraphs aloud. As you read them, deeply visualize what your new life looks like. How does it feel to live
life this way? How do people treat you differently? Page 196 196 Step 2: Repeat the Words “I Like Myself” in Front of a Mirror Fifty Times Every Morning The conscious mind is the window to the subconscious mind, where you hold your deepest beliefs and insecurities. Tap into this using this exercise from Brian Tracy’s book. Speak in a loud, confident tone. Strongly gesture with your hands as you speak. Really move into the words. And maintain a confident posture the whole time. Say these words like you mean them. And within two weeks, you will notice yourself acting in a very different, self-loving way. But don’t stop there. Repeat these steps every morning for at least sixty days in a row, and you will have a much easier time giving a woman the type of love she wants and deserves.
Her Own Personal Love No matter how much some people like to tell you they’ve “changed,” past behavior is still the best indicator of future behavior. So when it comes to how a girl falls in love…and what it takes to make her fall in love…pay close attention to her past relationships. I knew one girl who valued safety and security above all. Because of this, she seemed to always fall for guys who were extremely dominant, even to the point of being controlling. These men wouldn’t just pick where to go for dinner; they’d choose her outfit and even what she ordered. I knew another girl who needed constant compliments in order to fall in love. She wasn’t too sure of herself, so she needed that extra reassurance that the man cared for her. Another friend of mine always fell in love on vacation. Like clockwork, her and a man would be dating, and it would be going alright, but she would have some reservations about him. But then, when he Page 197 197 took her on that first exotic vacation together, it would solidify her love. She would come back head-over-heels crazy about the guy. I even knew one girl who always fell in love with bad boys. It seemed like, once they got to the Devotion Phase, the more distant and elusive the guy was, the better. Every woman’s blueprint for falling in love is different. It’s based on her psychological makeup, her past experiences, and what “love” means to her. You see, “love” means something different to each woman. It’s your job to find exactly what it means and what it takes to get her to feel that way. Learning more about her past relationships and
lovers is one of the fastest ways to do that. Ask her questions like: What did you like most about your last boyfriend? Why do you think you fell for him? When did you know you loved him? When did you fall out of love with him? Who was the guy who you had the biggest crush on ever? Why don’t you think anything ever happened between you two? Don’t bombard her with these questions all at once. Ask them over the course of a few weeks. And don’t ask them from a place of “jealousy.” You are not trying to compare yourself to her previous boyfriends. You are asking her these questions with the true intent of trying to get to know her on as deep of a level as possible. You want to understand her. And then, when she answers, look for patterns. What is the process she usually goes through to fall in love? What does love mean to her? What circumstances tend to speed up the process of her falling in love? What makes her fall out of love? You’re subtly playing “private detective” here. Gather as much information as possible, and then when you’re not with her, analyze the clues and put the pieces together. Decide what you need to do and what you need to avoid doing if you want to win her heart. Come up with a plan personalized to her. And then execute it. Page 198 198 Love Languages: A Shortcut When my friend first told me about “love languages,” I told him it was nonsense. Well, more accurately, I gave him a look and laughed him off with a cheap “Rosetta’s Bone” joke. He was serious, though. “You have to take this quiz, Mike. It tells you how you best receive and feel love. It sounds weird, I know, but the best part is that if you ask a girl to take the quiz, you’ll have something to talk about with her for hours. Girls can’t get enough of this stuff.” I was skeptical. It all sounded kind of girly and weird. But the quiz was only supposed to take about ten minutes, so what did I have to lose? The concept of love languages stems from Gary D. Chapman’s breakthrough book, The Five Languages of Love. It’s been on the New York Times Best Seller List for years and has received universal acclaim. Chapman teaches that we all receive love in different ways. Everyone has one “primary” love language and one “secondary” love language. And if someone else speaks to us in the right “language,” we feel loved, and our intimacy increases. Those love languages are: • Gifts
• Quality Time • Words of Affirmation • Acts of Service • Physical Touch After taking the quiz, I discovered that my primary love language was “Words of Affirmation” and my secondary love language was “Quality Time.” Here’s the problem that most men have: they speak to their woman in their own love language. For example, if a man best receives love with “acts of service,” then he often assumes that that’s the best way to give love. And then he becomes confused when the woman tells him she doesn’t feel loved. Page 199 199 Before I discovered this, I fell victim to this trap in every one of my long-term relationships. I assumed that just because I valued “Words of Affirmation” and “Quality Time,” that those are the two things my lady would appreciate. And boy, was I ever wrong. You see, two people can be a perfect match for each other in every way, yet have completely different “love languages.” That’s perfectly fine as long as you’re willing to recognize that difference and adapt to your partner. Show her affection in her love language, not yours. For example, I hate gifts. Personally, if I want something, I’ll just buy it myself. I know a lot of women who feel the same way. Receiving a gift makes them feel weird, like they’re now obligated to something, and they don’t like it. Yet, there is also a huge portion of women who need gifts to feel loved. Guys, this doesn’t necessarily mean she’s “spoiled” or a “gold digger.” It’s just that, to her, a gift is a demonstration that you care. And she wants to feel cared for. The same goes for quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and physical touch. We all have our own feelings and connotations attached to those, and the only way to know for sure is to have her take the quiz. The good news is that, when you’ve entered the Devotion Phase, it should be easy and natural to ask her to take it. You can find it here: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/singles/ Tell her something like, “Hey, my friend told me about this thing called ‘love languages.’ Basically, people receive and feel love in different ways. That stuff is really interesting to me, so I took this short quiz online to see what my love language was…and what I discovered actually shocked me a bit. [Tell her your love languages]. You should take the quiz. I’m really curious to learn what your love languages are.” After you both take the quiz, you’ll be given a personalized “profile” that describes your love languages and how to best speak to those love languages. Follow the advice in your profile—it will be invaluable for
keeping a loving, devoted, long-term relationship. Because if you speak to her in her specific language of love, she will feel that love for you burst through her entire body…and become more and more devoted to you. Page 200 200
Steady as She Goes Move too fast, and she’ll run like crazy. Move too slow, and she’ll think you’re not interested. The effect of moving gradually to achieve an extreme outcome is well documented. Did you know that if a frog is put in water, and the water is boiled slowly enough, the frog will let itself get boiled alive without ever attempting to escape? But if you drop it into already boiling water, it will immediately freak out, leap out, and probably give you a dirty look on the way. Another even scarier example is Hitler. He was able to radicalize Germany because of how slowly he did it. He did not run for office on the platform of putting all the Jewish people in concentration camps. Instead, he ran an anti-establishment campaign based on German Nationalism. Then, when he got into office, he gradually changed the laws in a slow and calculated manner until he was eventually committing atrocities like the world had never before seen. He never made so “big” of a move that he’d suddenly scare off his supporters. It’s a point that historians still marvel over to this day. With that in mind, remember one of the key tenets of the Elixir of Eros: you are to use your superpowers for good, and you are to leave her better off than you found her. In this case, the concept of gradual change should be used to lead to something amazing—like love. Just like putting a frog in boiling water, if after your first kiss you were to profess your undying love to a girl and attempt to hang out with her every day, she would probably bounce right out of your life. So, after the Desire Phase, you are not going to jump into a relationship. Instead, you are going to gradually increase the time you spend together with her. Start at maybe once a week. Then some weeks, ask her to hang out twice. Then, maybe get her an extra toothbrush for when she stays at your house. And if she feels comfortable enough with you that she wants to stay over every other night—and you want that too—then by all means, go for it! Just don’t jump right into that. You’re also going to gradually increase your loving behavior and affection toward her. If you give it all to her too early, she won’t feel like Page 201 201 she earned it. Remember the principle of effort justification! Steadily increase the amount of compliments you give her, how often you tell
her you care about her, how often you text each other, and how fast you respond. Before you know it, you’ll be sitting with her, a few months later, madly in love with each other, wondering, “Wow. When the hell did this happen?”
Set the Tone How you communicate with her early in the Devotion Phase will determine whether you stay together for years—or even forever—or if you’re doomed for a nasty breakup. More specifically, how you deal with conflict is crucial. Every couple disagrees. Every couple fights. But the ones that last know how to resolve those differences in a healthy way. Consider Malcolm Gladwell’s best-selling book, Blink, which studies experts who excel at making “snap judgements.” In the blink of an eye, they can accurately solve problems that would take others years. One of those experts was Dr. John M. Gottman, a marriage counselor who can watch a couple interact for a little less than an hour and then predict with 95% accuracy whether or not they will still be married in fifteen years. And if he only has five minutes to observe the couple, he can still predict this with 91% accuracy. What’s even more shocking is Dr. Gottman doesn’t ask the couple any background questions. He doesn’t probe them on whether they like each other. He simply watches how they interact. Dr. Gottman discovered that a couple’s communication style—particularly how they deal with conflict—is the single biggest indicator to whether or not they will be successful long-term. In fact, throughout his years of research, he identified what he calls the “Four Horsemen of Page 202 202 the Apocalypse.” These are four behaviors are practically a death sentence for any relationship. If a couple consistently engages in more than one of these behaviors, it’s a very bad sign. And if they engage in all of them, then it’s essentially game over. So, let’s break down each of these destructive behaviors and lay out exactly what to do instead, so that you don’t unintendedly ruin an otherwise awesome relationship. First Horseman: Criticism This is when you attack your partner and imply that there is something inherently wrong with their character. With criticism, you make it about who they are as a person rather than the issue at hand. For example, you might say things like, “You always…” or “You never…” when addressing a particular incident. These statements make your partner feel bad about themselves when they are around you.
To correct this, make sure your complaints are not about your partner’s identity. Instead, calmly tell her the specific behaviors that you wish she would change. Make it about your identity instead of hers— tell her how you feel when she does the offensive deed and what you wish she would do instead in order to help you feel better. Second Horseman: Defensiveness This is when you see yourself as a “victim” and aggressively try to ward off what you see as an attack by your partner. Some common examples are: Making excuses (some circumstance beyond your control forced you to act poorly). Cross-complaining (meeting your partner’s “attack” with an attack of your own). Yes-butting (starting off agreeing with her, then disagreeing). Not paying attention, then repeating yourself (just repeating yourself, despite what she says). Call to justice (telling her that what she’s doing is not fair). Page 203 203 Defensiveness is basically just a way to deflect blame from yourself and place it back on your partner. The cure? First, listen to your partner’s complaint with complete presence. Seek to understand her side completely before passing any judgement. Second, accept responsibility, even if it’s just partial responsibility. Tell her that you are part of the problem—because chances are, you are. And then start working on a solution to the problem that solves both of your issues. Third Horseman: Contempt Contempt is anything that puts you on “higher ground” than your partner. It’s usually a statement—or even just body language—that has an intent to insult or psychologically abuse her. Some classic examples are: • Insults and name calling • Cynicism • Eye-rolling • Sneering • Mocking her • Hostile humor The cure for this is to try to build a long-term “culture” of appreciation and respect. You both have to be aware that this is a problem, and you both have to lower your tolerance for this kind of behavior. At the same time, focus on more positive statements about her. Try to build her up instead of bringing her down. Let her know when she does something that you are proud of. Constantly re-affirm the things you respect about her. Fourth Horseman: Stonewalling
This is when one of you withdraws from the interaction, either by physically leaving or just “shutting down” and refusing to participate anymore. It’s an attempt to avoid conflict altogether. If you do this, you may think that you’re being neutral or just trying to calm yourself down. It’s a pretty natural response to feeling overPage 204 204 whelmed. But you’re really just avoiding the problem. And what it conveys to her is distance. It conveys that you don’t care enough to solve the problem, and it can create a vicious cycle of one person aggressively trying to address an issue while the other becomes overwhelmed and shuts down. The solution for this one lies in awareness. Look for and notice signs that either of you are feeling overwhelmed. Make an agreement with her that, when either of you notice this, you will both agree to take a break from the discussion. This break should last at least twenty minutes, because that’s how long it takes the body to calm down, physiologically. During that time, do something that relaxes you, like listening to music or exercising. Avoid thoughts of “righteous indignation” at all costs, things like “I shouldn’t have to take this crap anymore,” or, “Why does she always do this to me?” Then, after you are both calm, pick up the problem again and try to solve it from a more level-headed place. No Horsing Around Each of these four behaviors are killers to the type of long-term connection you want to build during the Devotion Phase. Avoid them at all cost, and if you catch yourself falling victim to them, take corrective action immediately.
Master Your Manhood Great sex keeps a girl around. The good news is, most guys are bad in bed, so your competition isn’t stellar. The bad news is, chances are you are one of those guys. It’s a fact. Men almost always overestimate their sexual ability. A study by sociologist Edward O. Laumann of the University of Chicago found that 43.5% of men said that their partners always had an orgasm. Page 205 205 But when he asked the ladies, only 28.6% of them reported this to be true. And other studies have found similar results. The point is, don’t be so quick to think you’re a sexual god. Chances are, you’re a little bit worse in that department than you think. And even if you’re above average, there’s no harm in getting better. Why not become the best lover she’s ever had?
There are entire books on great sex, and while I could very well write another one, let’s just hit some of the key areas for now. A little to the left. Yes. That area right there. Psychology of Great Sex Sex starts long before you ever enter the bedroom, and it’s as much of a state of mind as it is physical contact. In order to keep sex from becoming too boring or too routine, you need to be able to maintain your game. This means re-seducing her over and over again. Flirt and be playful with her. Connect with her about even deeper things than you did in the Connection Phase. And use this all to take your sexual tension to greater heights. Anticipation is one of the most important psychological factors in turning a woman on. If you can get her visualizing and craving sex with you before you jump in bed, you’re off to a great start. And once you get there, take a little while to get there. Tease her a little bit. Don’t give it to her right away. Make her beg for it. Keep in mind a woman’s desire to be desired. Once you get close to “relationship” status, this becomes even more important. This means going the extra mile occasionally. Taking her out somewhere nice. Whispering in her ear that “If we weren’t in this nice restaurant, I would rip all of your clothes off right now.” Staring at her with a look of pure lust. It’s also crucial that you keep developing into a man she is proud to be with, a man who continues to embody all the traits that women find irresistible. Don’t get lazy once you’ve nabbed her. Continue to, um, grow. The more you do, the hornier she’ll get around you. Page 206 206 What Turns Her On In A Billion Wicked Thoughts, the authors mined women’s Internet searches and reading lists in order to discover and reverse engineer what was so psychologically addictive about the romance novels and fanfiction so many women devour. What they found were four main psychological cues that consistently turn a woman on. The first is “irresistibility”—the desire to be desired. We’ve already discussed this one at length. The second is “popularity.” It’s a fact that women want a man who is desired by other women and respected by other men. This is yet another reason why you need to always keep improving your social circle and social skills, even after you’ve caught an amazing woman. The third is “adorability.” This means that you must demonstrate your love for her in a steady, consistent fashion. You must be a man who loves her unconditionally, instead of a boy who loves her on and off. When you’re in the devotion phase, don’t be the guy who plays games.
The final cue is “forbidden acts.” With what we’ve learned about setting up barriers and working the gap, this should be no surprise—people want what they can’t, or in this case, shouldn’t have. Women have a tendency to get turned on by situations that are both immoral and dangerous. The same part of her nervous system that responds to threats also generates a strong sexual response. This is why people sometimes take or even seek out great risks to satisfy a sexual need. Tap into this by consistently getting creative with it. Role play. Have sex in a public bathroom. Have sex outside. Find out about her most aggressive (legal) sexual fantasy, and go for it. Maybe it’s bondage. Maybe it’s anal sex. Maybe it’s something you haven’t even heard of. If she’s turned on by it, and you’re the first man to bring her that experience, well, a lady NEVER forgets her first. Foreplay Mastery If a man is like a light switch, a woman is like a volume knob. Rather than being flipped on, she needs to slowly be turned up before she’s Page 207 207 ready to go. This is one reason why the vast majority of men suck in bed. They don’t pay enough attention to foreplay. Especially if you’re a bit of a minuteman, you should be giving her at least twenty minutes of foreplay before burying the weasel. And you should give her at least one orgasm while you’re at it. So, what’s the best way to do this? With your finger? With your tongue? With a large, vibrating egg? Again, there are entire books on spelunking techniques, and this isn’t one of them. No, I’ll give you one better. Here’s something you can use that you aren’t likely to find in all of those tutorials: Your ears. Ask her for her feedback, and listen. “Does this feel good?” “Does it feel better when I touch you here or there?” “Show me how you touch yourself when you’re alone.” “I want you to tell me when I lick you in a place that feels really good, OK?” Everyone has their own unique preferences, which is why I don’t place a lot of stock in one-size-fits-all How to Give Her Multiples guides. And the truth of the matter is, few women expect you to be a stud right away. It’s rare that any man will automatically “know” what she wants. One woman might only come if you rub her clit, while the next might need you to be inside of her. Or both. Or something else entirely. And to some, the psychological factors—like variety, dominance, and power—are more important than anything physical. It’s also rare that any man will ask her what she wants simply be-
cause, when it comes to sex, we tend to go on a masculine ego trip. Do both of you a favor: check your ego at the door, and ask her what feels best. If you get enough feedback from her, you’ll eventually know her as well as she knows herself. Then you can be the confident guy who gives her exactly what she wants in a way that no other guy has. Once you know how to work the knob, you can turn her all the way up to 11. Page 208 208 Mastery of Your Manhood The two most common manhood malfunctions are premature ejaculation and a limp biscuit. 90% of the time, these problems are 100% mental. Are you having boner problems? Consider when you’re all alone, all by yourself, jerkin’ your gherkin. If you can get rock hard by yourself… then it’s a mental problem. Are you having issues lasting more than a few minutes? If you can hold off for more than fifteen minutes before blowing your wad… then it’s a mental problem. The quickest way to get rid of these problems when you’re with a lady is to develop presence. That means being completely in the moment and in a state where you no longer worry about performance anxiety. So how do you achieve this? Well, by now, it should be an old trick of yours—meditation. If you meditate for twenty minutes per day, ninety days in a row, usually you’ll be so mentally sharp that these problems will just take care of themselves. And if you aren’t practicing meditation, yet you’re still complaining that “I have no idea how to stop my penis problems!” then I have little sympathy for you. You might also try Kegels. These exercises strengthen your “pelvic floor,” those small muscles in between your sack and butt hole. Try taking a pee, then stopping. These are the muscles that stopped your stream. And if you work them until they’re strong enough, you can actually help stop ejaculation. Kegels are easy to do, and you can even do them in a crowded room without anyone noticing. Simply squeeze those muscles for five seconds, then rest for three seconds. Repeat this process nine more times. Do this twice per day, and in just a few months, you will have a stronger pelvic floor than 90% of men. You also may consider practicing awareness of your sexual energy so that you can control it from blowing over the top. The next time you’re milking your lizard, take a moment to ask yourself, “How aroused am I, on a scale of one to ten?” Touch yourself until you reach an arousal level of five. Then take a short break until you’re back down to two. Page 209
209 Try it again, but take yourself up to six. Then cool off until you’re back down to three. Do this until you work yourself up to nine. Try to get as close as you can to the “point of no return” until you are very, very comfortable with your control at that level. Remember, doctor’s orders. You’re in training, soldier. The more your practice this, the more aware of your arousal you will be during sex. And awareness is the first step to gaining control of your arousal. Don’t be afraid to take short breaks or change positions if you get too close to your peak. The last technique for being in the moment during sex is to imagine your sexual energy flowing up and down your spine. Try to not just feel the arousal in your man pieces, but also push this energy up your spine until it hits your brain. This is an ancient tantric technique that has been used for thousands of years, and it’s the first step to becoming a multi-orgasmic man. That’s right, guys. It is possible for a man to have multiple orgasms without ejaculating. Mind = blown. If that sounds like fun to you, then buy the book, Multi Orgasmic Man, by Douglas Abrams and Mantak Chia. It goes into the tantric arts in way more detail than I can here. Trust me, you won’t be disappointed. The last suggestion I’ll give you on maintaining presence while you’re making the beast with two backs is to focus your attention fully on her. Focus on her smell. Focus on the feeling of her hair as you run your fingers through it. Focus on how amazing it feels to have your body pressed against hers. When you actively focus on these things, you automatically bring yourself more into the moment. You focus less on anxieties, you get harder, and you last longer. Page 210 210
Getting Her to Love You As a man, you should be used to leading about 90% of the interaction. Usually, you need to be the one to introduce yourself, to lead the flirting and conversation, to set up logistics, and to lead sexually. However, at a certain point a woman must take the lead emotionally. So right now, I want to lay down one of the most controversial rules of the Elixir of Eros System: Always let her be the one to say “I love you” first. That doesn’t mean you can’t love her first. It doesn’t mean your actions can’t demonstrate that you absolutely adore her. But she should almost always be the first one to say it. This is a tough one for a lot of guys to swallow. When you love a girl,
it can feel like every fiber in you is itching to blurt out those words. And we’re conditioned to do so. From the time we’re little kids, seemingly every song, movie, and TV show hammers it into our squishy little minds that we need to say those three magic words if we want her to love us back. And I’m not saying that it can’t work to say it first. I’m just saying that for this particular system—in my opinion the most powerful men’s dating system on the planet—she should be the first one to profess her love. Now, given that you’ve read this far, this shouldn’t come as too much of a shocker. After all, a vital part of the Elixir of Eros is getting her to chase you. Her saying “I love you” is the ultimate act of pursuit. With all that being said, there are a few tools you can use to speed up the process. Because let’s be real—she’s probably not going to say it unless she thinks there’s a good chance you feel the same way. So it is important to subtly show her that you may in fact love her. Here are some techniques to do just that: Advanced Conditionals We learned all about the magic of conditional language in the Infatuation Phase. When you use words like “if ” or “maybe,” you can imply something without directly saying it. This is the perfect bait to make a Page 211 211 girl open up her feelings to you. Here are some examples of how you could use conditionals to nudge the relationship forward: “If I were to start falling for you,” said with a big grin on your face that screams, I kind of already have fallen for you, “then maybe I’d take you with me on vacation next month. Too bad we totally can’t stand each other.” Again, this last part is said sarcastically, with a huge grin. “If I ever totally fall for you, then maybe I’ll take you to that crazy expensive sushi place.” “If you really steal my heart, then maybe we’ll start hanging out more than twice a week.” Can you imagine how these statements, if said in a playful tone, could spark a girl to start to chase you? To try to close that gap of uncertainty about whether or not you have strong feelings for her and make her verbally tell you she adores you? Remember, she wants to be loved, and a slight amount of uncertainty about whether or not you’ve fallen for her can drive her crazy—but a good crazy. Statements like these will often get a response like a playful, “Oh, so I haven’t stolen your heart yet?” or “Oh, you know you love me.” Under these circumstances, you might respond, “Oh…I don’t know…maybe you have stolen it a little bit.” And then move on. These aren’t meant to compel her to say “I love you” instantly. They are meant to plant the seeds in her head that it’s the right time. Such statements may even get a harsh response on occasion. That’s
OK. It’s usually not a bad thing. If she’s a bit passive aggressive, she might say, “Wait, you haven’t fallen for me? Ok, cool, Mike. Real nice thing to say.” If so, then ask her, “Hey babe, I was only joking around. What’s wrong?” After some poking and prodding about what upset her, you will often find that the reason she is frustrated is because she has strong feelings for you, and she’s unsure that you feel the same way. If she tells you, “Oh, Mike…I just really, really like you…and sometimes I wonder if you feel the same way.” Then respond with something like, “Darling…you know I’m basically obsessed with you. I’m so grateful you’re in my life and so happy I’ve found someone who I click with so well.” Page 212 212 You see what you’re doing here? You’re responding to her emotional admission (“I really like you”) with a similar emotional admission, but described in a little bit more detail. You’re training her that when she opens up to you emotionally, good things start happening, which perfectly sets the stage for her to tell you those three big words. You’re also describing, in some sense, love, but without overtly saying it. In turn, this will make her more comfortable when she eventually professes her love to you. Advanced Vulnerability This one is sneaky. And it’s damn effective. Basically, you are going to set the precedent that you could never be the first one to say “I love you.” And you’re going to link that reason to a moment in the past in which you’ve been hurt. You’re going to make it very clear that it’s a flaw of yours and that it’s something you’re working on. That way, she knows without a shadow of doubt that it’s ultimately her job to say “I love you” first. Here’s an example of how you might do this: “You know, I’ve always struggled with vulnerability. I definitely put up emotional walls at certain points in a relationship. It’s a problem, and I’m working on it. I wasn’t always this way. It really started after I dated Ashley, who I told you about. I thought that I would NEVER get dumped…so when she left me, it really hit me hard. I was super depressed, and I’m not normally the type of guy who gets that way. Since then, I’ve always really struggled with expressing my emotions. Like, deep down…I really want someone who I can adore and love with all my heart. But I’m not capable of saying ‘I love you’ or anything like that unless I hear it first. It’s a huge flaw, I know, and it probably comes down to being afraid of getting hurt again.” BONUS POINTS if you do this early in the interaction. Ideally, you want to do this in the Connection Phase so you’ve set the stage for her saying “I love you” in the Devotion Phase. That way, there’s no chance
it will seem contrived or manipulative. When you say something along these lines, you’re not trying to get any sort of response out of her. You’re just sharing something very intimate about your life with her in the context of a deep conversation. Page 213 213 If you use this technique, be sure to customize it. Work up a similar statement that is true about your life. That way it will come across as genuine (the example above is 100% true for me). Now, from time to time I’ve had girls respond to this with something along the lines of, “Oh, yeah…I’m the same way. I could never say ‘I love you’ first, either.” Don’t get thrown off by this. Many of the girls who said that to me later confessed that they loved me. So, how do you handle it? Simply turn it into a joke. “Well, I guess we’re screwed then. If we ever fell for each other, we’d never know it!” Say it with a big smile on your face, and then move on. She’ll get it. You’ve stood firm and let her know that she’s probably going to have to be the one to say it if she ever feels that way. Advanced Emotional Transference In the Desire Phase you learned how to transfer your sexual desire to her. In the Devotion Phase, you’ll be able to do the same thing, but with love. Let’s get into some technique. In the following steps, you’ll be looking to show her that you adore her and then transfer that so she starts feeling the same way about you. Step 1: Appreciate Everything You Love About Her Look at her. Think about all the things you love about her: all of her physical qualities that are so attractive to you and the parts of her personality that are completely irreplaceable. Step 2: Notice the Feeling of Love in Your Body Where do you feel it in your body? Is it moving or staying in the same place? If you had to give it a color, what color would it be? Gently notice that “love energy.” Step 3: Breathe and Be Present with the Energy Now, as you continue talking to her, focus on your breath. Notice how your breathing moves that energy up and down your body. Accept that this energy is there. If you feel weird or uncomfortable, don’t try to suppress that. Just let it be. Page 214 214 Step 4: Look into Her Eyes Look deeply into her eyes. Be present with your love. Keep talking about whatever you were talking about before, only now with more love and compassion coursing through your veins. Step 5: Transfer Your Love Energy to Her
Now, as you look into her eyes, consciously try to pour your energy into her. Increase your eye contact just a bit. Touch her. Feel the energy flow into her. Step 6: Let the Energy Simmer Feel it rushing through both of you. Don’t acknowledge it verbally or draw any attention to it. Just let it build…and build…until it’s boiling over. Eventually, you may want to kiss her or caress her. That’s fine. Just go with it. Repeat this process at least once every time you see her, and it will plant the seeds of deep love and connection between you.
Think on This OK, real talk. I’m proud of you for getting this far. The Elixir of Eros is a commitment, and a weaker man would’ve tapped out by now. But even then, your journey has just begun, for now it’s your turn to go out there, into the wild, and get the girl of your dreams. I just have a few final words for you… Page 215 215
CONCLUSION In my years of research, of battling it out in the trenches of the singles scene, and now of teaching bootcamps and the secrets of sexual mind control, I’ve found that The Elixir of Eros is the most powerful system for attracting women, getting laid, and eventually getting your dream girl to fall in love with you. These tools are all you’ll ever need to make that dream a reality. Don’t fall into the trap of believing that you need more techniques, or that you now must study other systems to “stack” on top of this one. A new technique or trick might sound exciting, and a lot of the socalled “seduction experts” make a good living off of sounding like they have a good product to sell you. But rather than getting a slightly good at a bunch of different philosophies and systems (that often end up clashing and cancelling each other out), your time is best spent mastering the simple but brutally effective techniques in this one system. An Elixir of Eros black belt will out-score anyone who is a white belt in fifty different styles. I meet so many men who buy into the lie that they need more information when what they really need is more practice honing these techniques. This type of guy believes that if he just learns “everything there is to know about women,” then he’ll be ready to jump in and take action for once. Or worse, he thinks he’ll just be able to use the information once, get his perfect girl, and go back to being the same old below-average guy that he was beforehand. The truth is, becoming a master with women is a long-term exercise
in self-development. It’s a process that should be started immediately and carried out indefinitely. It’s a commitment to a lifestyle that will ultimately leave you—and her—better and more satisfied. Page 216 216 If you’re struggling in your dating life, the longer you wait to start the process of improvement, the tougher it’s going to be, the more entrenched your bad habits will be, and the longer it will take to reach a level of mastery with this system. So right now, I want you to commit to doing one thing: take one action step toward implementing this system. Just one. Schedule a day to go out and practice on girls at bars. Or make a commitment to message twenty girls online. Or text three prospects on your phone, and ask them to hang out this week. Do something to get the ball rolling. You have in your hands the best possible resource for what you want. But you have to use it. If some of the techniques in this book seem like things you couldn’t see yourself doing, if you find yourself thinking, “Nah, that one’s really not for me,” well, you’re probably not going to get the results you want in your dating life. You’re going to have to make the commitment to owning who you are and making yourself into the kind of person who can achieve that success. That’s here in the book, even. If you need, feel free to go back and re-read what you’re still a little shaky on as you move forward in your new life as an Elixir of Eros Insider. Just be sure to take action, and take action now. Use your momentum. Don’t put this off until tomorrow. And when you have that first girl completely and utterly addicted to you, don’t forget to write me an e-mail and tell me all about it: [email protected]
You’ve got this. Now go get what’s yours.