When I Say No, I Feel Guilty - Notes/Cheat Sheet

Notes from the brilliant “When I Say No, I Feel Guilty” by Dr. Manuel J. Smith YOUR ASSERTIVE RIGHTS AS A HUMAN BEING The first assertive right stands as the overall and prime assertive right. All the other rights address more specific facets of being assertive and avoiding manipulation by others. I have the right to: 1. Judge my own behavior, my thoughts, my emotions, and to take responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon myself. 2. Offer no reasons, or excuses, to justify my behavior. 3. Judge whether I am responsible for finding solutions to other people’s problems. 4. Change my mind. 5. Make mistakes – and be responsible for them. 6. Say “I don’t know.” 7. Be independent of the goodwill of others before coping with them.  You can’t please everyone all the time.  You do not need the goodwill (friendly, helpful, or cooperative feelings or attitude), of other people to deal with them effectively and assertively.  People are not always going to be, nor do you need them to be your friend.  A true friend will not stop being your friend simply because you do something they don’t like.  You will never be loved, if you can’t risk being disliked! 8. Be illogical in making decisions. 9. Say, “I don’t understand.” 10. Say, “I don’t care.” ASSERTIVENESS TOOLS The verbal tools to use when interacting with others to effectively assert yourself, maintain your self-respect, and avoid manipulation. First step in learning to be assertive: Being persistent 1. Broken Record (Be persistent/repetitive in communicating what you want.) Definition: A skill that by calm repetition – saying what you want over and over again – teaches persistence without your having to rehearse arguments or angry feelings beforehand, in order to be “up” for dealing with others. Clinical effect after practice: Allows you to feel comfortable ignoring manipulative verbal side traps, argumentative baiting, irrelevant logic, while sticking to your desired point. Example: “I’d like a refund please.” “I understand (SELF-DISCLOSURE), but I’d like a refund please.” “I’m sure it is stressful with other people waiting (FOGGING), but I’d like a refund please.”

2. Workable Compromise In using your verbal assertive skills, it is practical, whenever you feel that your self-respect is not in question, to offer a workable compromise to the other person. You can always bargain for your material goals unless the compromise affects your personal feelings of selfrespect. If the end goal involves a matter of you self-worth, however, there can be no compromise. Being assertive in social conversation and communication 3. Free Information (Listen closely and take cues from the information people provide about themselves.) Definition: A skill that teaches the recognition of simple cues given by a social partner in everyday conversation to indicate what is interesting or important to that person. Clinical effect after practice: Allows you to feel less shy in entering into conversation while at the same time prompting social partners to talk more easily about themselves. Example: Joe: “I spent the day studying.” You: “What are you studying for?” 4. Self-Disclosure Definition: A skill that teaches the acceptance and initiation of discussion of both the positive and negative aspects of your personality, behavior, lifestyle, intelligence, to enhance social communication and reduce manipulation.  

Letting the other person how you think, feel, and react to the free information provide you. Rather than just “interviewing,” offering providing information about yourself in relation to their free information provides them opportunity to learn about you.

Clinical effect after practice: Allows you comfortably to disclose aspects of yourself and your life that previously caused feelings of ignorance, anxiety, or guilt. Example: “I’m sure it could save me money (FOGGING), but I’m not interested in any leasing options.” “I don’t understand why you feel that way.” “I like pistachio, but I just don’t want it all the time like you do.” Assertively coping with criticism (the great manipulator) There are two major results when you systematically assert yourself using verbal skills like Fogging, Negative Assertion, and Negative Inquiry 

By using and practicing these methods you tend to minimize your typical negative emotional response of anxiety to criticism, whether real or imagined, self-directed or from someone else. (This is a clinically observed fact, not a theoretical assumption)

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Practicing these methods also cuts our learned emotional puppet strings, the ones that make us automatically react, or panic, to criticism from other people which allows us to be manipulated in to defending what we want to do instead of doing it.

5. Fogging Definition: A skill that teaches acceptance of manipulative criticism by calmly acknowledging to your critic the probability that there may be some truth in what he say, yet allows you to remain your own judge of what to do. Clinical effect after practice: Allows you to receive criticism comfortably without becoming anxious or defensive, while giving no reward to those using manipulative criticism. Example: “I’m sure it is frustrating when I do that.” “That’s true. I don’t always remember to do that.” “You may be right. I…” 6. Negative Assertion Definition: A skill that teaches acceptance of your errors and faults (without having to apologize) by strongly and sympathetically agreeing with hostile or constructive criticism of your negative qualities. Clinical effect after practice: Allows you to look more comfortably at negatives in your own behavior or personality without feeling defensive and anxious, or resorting to denial of real error, while at the same time reducing your critic’s anger or hostility. Example: “You’re right. I wasn’t too smart in how I handled that, was I?” “I’ve noticed that myself. I do walk funny in sandals, don’t I?” 7. Negative Inquiry Definition: A skill that teaches the active prompting of criticism in order to use the information (if helpful) or exhaust it (if manipulative) while prompting your critic to be more assertive, less dependent on manipulative ploys. Clinical effect after practice: Allows you more comfortably to seek out criticism about yourself in close relationships while prompting the other person to express honest negative feelings and improve communication. Example: “It sounds like you are saying I was rude, is that what you mean?” “Is there anything besides my expression that made you feel this way?” “What about how I explained that was confusing to you?” “I see what you are saying. How should I have done that differently?”