What We Talk About When We Talk About Love

 

Whatt We T Wha Talk alk Ab About out Whe When n We T Talk alk About Love My friend Mel McGinnis was talking. Mel McGinnis is a cardiologist, and sometimes that gives him the right. The four of us were sitting around his kitchen table drinking gin. Sunlight filled the kitchen from the big windows behind the sink. There were Mel and me and his second wife, Teresa—Terri, we called her—and my wife, Laura. We lived in lbu!uer!ue then. "ut we were all from somewhere else. There was an ice bucket on the table. The gin and the tonic water ke#t going around, and we somehow got on the sub$ect of love. Mel thought real love was nothing less than s#iritual love. %e said he&d s#ent five years of his life in a seminary before !uitting to go to medical school. %e said he still looked back on those years in the seminary as the most im#ortant years in his life. Terri said the man she lived with before she lived with Mel loved her so much he tried to kill her. Then Terri said, '%e beat me u# one night. %e dragged me around the living room by my ankles. %e ke#t saying, '( love you, ( love you, you bitch.) %e went on dragging me around the living room by my ankles. My head ke#t knocking on things.) Terri looked around the room. 'What do you do with love like that*) She was a bone+thin woman with a #retty face, dark eyes, and brown hair that hung down her back. She liked necklaces made of tur!uoise, and long #endant earrings. 'My God, don&t be silly. That&s not love, and you know it,) Mel said. '( don&t know what you&d call it, but ( sure know you wouldn&t call it love.) 'Say what you want to, but ( know what it was,) Terri said. '(t may sound cray to you, but it&s true $ust the same. -eo#le are different, Mel. Sure, sometimes he may have aced cray. kay. "ut he loved me. (n his own way maybe, but he loved me. There was love there, Mel. /on&t say there wasn&t.) Mel let out his breathe. %e held his glass and turned to Laura and me. 'The man threatened to kill me,) Mel said. %e finished his drink and went for the gin bottle. 'Terri&s a romantic. Terri&s of the kick+me+so+(&ll+know+you+love+me+school. Terri, hon, don&t look that way.) Mel reached across the table and touched Terri&s cheeks with his fingers. %e grinned at her. '0ow he wants to make u#,) Terri said. 'Make u# what*) Mel said. 'What is there to make u#* ( know what ( know. That&s all.) '%ow&d we get started on this sub$ect anyway*) Terri said. She raised her glass and drank from it. 'Mel always has love on his mind,) she said. '/on&t you, honey*) She smiled and ( thought that was he last of it.

 

'( $ust wouldn&t call 1d&s behavior love. That&s all (&m saying, honey,) Mel said. 'What about you guys*) Mel said to Laura and me. '/oes that sound like love to you*) '(&m the wrong #erson to ask,) ( said. '( didn&t even know the man. ( heard his name mentioned in #assing. ( wouldn&t know. 2ou&d have to know the #articulars. "ut ( think what you&re saying is that love is an absolute.) Mel said, 'The kind of love (&m talking about is. The kind of love (&m talking about, you don&t try and kill #eo#le.) Laura said, '( don&t know anything about 1d, or about the situation. "ut who can  $udge anyone else&s situation*) ( touched the back of Laura&s hand. She gave me a !uick smile. ( #icked u# Laura&s hand. (t was warm, the nails #olished, #erfectly manicured. ( encircled the broad wrist with my fingers, and ( held her  'When ( left, he drank rat #oison,) Terri said. She clas#ed her arms with her hands. 'They took him to the hos#ital in Santa 3e. That&s where we lived then, about ten miles out. They saved his life. "ut his gums went cray from it. ( mean they #ulled away his teeth. fter that, his teeth stood out like fangs. My God,) Terri said. She waited a minute, then let go of her arms and #icked u# her glass. 'What #eo#le won&t do4) Laura said. '%e&s out of the action now,) Mel said. '%e&s dead.) Mel handed me the saucer of limes. ( took a section, s!ueeed it over my drink, and stirred the ice cubes with my fingers. '(t gets worse,) Terri said. '%e shot himself in the mouth. "ut he bungles that too. -oor 1d,) she said. Terri shook her head. '-oor 1d nothing,) Mel said. '%e was dangerous.) Mel was forty+five years old. %e was tall and rangy with curly soft hair. %is face and arms were brown from the tennis he #layed. When he was sober, sober, his gestures, all his movements, were #recise, very careful. '%e did love me though, Mel. Grant me that,) Terri said. 'That&s all (&m asking. %e didn&t love me the way you love me. (&m not saying that. "ut he loved me. 2ou can grant me that, can&t you*) 'What do you mean, he bungled it*) ( said. Laura leaned forward with her glass. She #ut her elbows on the table and her glass with both hands. She glanced from Mel to Terri and waited with a look of  bewilderment on her face, as if amaed such things ha##ened to #eo#le you were friendly with.

 

'%ow&d he bungle it when he killed himself*) ( asked. '(&ll tell you what ha##ened,) Mel said. '%e took his twenty+two #istol he&d bought to threaten Terri and me with. h, (&m serious, the man was always threatening. 2ou should have seen the way we lived in those days. Like fugitives. ( even bought a gun myself. 5an you believe it*  guy like me* "ut ( did. ( bought a gun for self+defense and carried it in my glove com#artment. Sometimes (&d have to leave the a#artment in the middle of the night. To go to the hos#ital, you know* Terri and ( weren&t married then, and my first wife had the house and kids, the dog, everything, and Terri and ( were living in this a#artment here. Sometimes, as ( say, (&d get a call in the middle of the night and have to go to the hos#ital at two or three in the morning. (t&d be dark out there in the #arking lot, and (&d break into a sweat before ( could even get to my car. ( never knew if he was going to come out of the shrubbery or from behind a car and start shooting. ( mean, the man was cray. %e was ca#able of wiring a bomb, anything. %e used to call my service at all hours and say he needed to talk to the doctor, and when (&d return the call, he&d say, 6Son of a bitch, your days are numbered.& Little things like that. (t was scary, (&m telling you.) '( still feel sorry for him,) Terri said. '(t sounds like a nightmare,) Laura said. '"ut what e7actly ha##ened after he shot himself*) Laura is a legal secretary. We&d met in a #rofessional ca#acity. "efore we knew it, it was a courtshi#. She&s thirty+five, three years younger than ( am. (n addition to being in love, we like each other and en$oy each other&s com#any. She&s easy to be with. 888 'What ha##ened*) Laura asked. Mel said, '%e shot himself in the mouth in his room. Someone heard the shot and told the manager. They came in with a #asskey, saw what had ha##ened, and called an ambulance. ( ha##ened to be there when they brought him in, alive but #ast recall. The man lived for three days. %is head swelled u# to twice the sie of a normal head. (&d never seen anything like it, and ( ho#e ( never do again. Terri wanted to go in and sit with him when she found out about it. We had a fight over it. ( didn&t think she should see him like that. ( didn&t think she should see him, and ( still don&t.) 'Who won the fight*) Laura said. '( was in the room with him when he died,) Terri said. '%e never came u# out of it. "ut ( sat with him. %e didn&t have anyone else.) '%e was dangerous,) Mel said. '(f you call that love, you can have it.) '(t was love,) Terri said. 'Sure, it&s abnormal in most #eo#le&s eyes. "ut he was willing to die for it. %e did die for it.)

 

'( sure as hell wouldn&t call it love,) Mel said. '( mean, no one knows what he did it for. (&ve seen a lot of suicides, and ( couldn&t say anybody knew what they did it for.) Mel #ut his hands behind his neck and tilted his chair back. '(&m not interested in that kind of love,) he said. '(f that&s love, you can have.) Terri said, 'We were afraid. Mel even made a will out and wrote to his brother in 5alifornia who used to be a Green "eret. Mel told him who to look for if something ha##ened to him.) Terri drank from her glass. '"ut Mel&s right—we lived like fugitives. We were afraid. Mel was, weren&t you, honey* ( even called the #olice at one #oint, but they were no hel#. They said they couldn&t do anything until 1d actually did something. (sn&t that a laugh*) Terri said. She #oured the last of the gin into her glass and waggled the bottle. Mel rose from the table and went to the cu#board. %e took down another bottle. 888 'Well, 0ick and ( know what love is,) Laura said. '3or us, ( mean.) Laura bum#ed my knee with her knee. '2ou&re su##osed to say something now,) Laura said, and turned her smile on me. 3or an answer, ( took Laura&s hand and raised it to my li#s. ( made a big #roduction out of kissing her hand. 1veryone was amused. 'We&re lucky,) ( said. '2ou guys,) Terri said. 'Sto# that now. 2ou&re making me sick. 2ou&re still on the honeymoon, for God&s sake. 2ou&re still gaga, for crying out loud. 9ust wait. %ow long have you been together now* %ow long has it been*  year* Longer than a year*) 'Going on a year and a half,) Laura said, flushed and smiling. 'h, now,) Terri said. 'Wait awhile.) She held her drink and gaed at Laura. '(&m only kidding,) Terri said. Mel o#ened the gin and went around the table with the bottle. '%ere, you guys,) he said. 'Let&s have a toast. ( want to #ro#ose a toast.  toast to love. To true love,) Mel said. 888 utside in the backyard, one of the dogs began to bark. The leaves of the as#en that leaned against the window ticked against the glass. The afternoon sun was like a  #resence in the room, the s#acious light of ease and generosity. We could have been

 

anywhere, somewhere enchanted. We raised our glasses again and grinned at each other like children who agreed on something forbidden. '(&ll tell you what real love is,) Mel said. '( mean, (&ll give you a good e7am#le. nd then you can draw your own conclusions.) %e #oured more gin into his glass. %e added an ice cube and a sliver of lime. We waited and si##ed our drinks. Laura and ( touched knees again. ( #ut a hand on her warm thigh and left it there. 'What do any of us really know about love*) Mel said. '(t seems to me we&re $ust  beginners at love. We say we love each other and we do, ( don&t don&t doubt it. ( love Terri and Teri loves me, and you guys love each other and we do, ( don&t doubt it. 2ou know the kind of love (&m talking about now. -hysical love, that im#ulse that drives you to someone s#ecial, as well as love of the other #erson&s being, his or her essence, as it were. 5arnal love and, well, call it sentimental love, the day+to+day caring about the other #erson. "ut sometimes ( have a hard time accounting for the fact that ( must have loved my first wife too. "ut ( did, ( know ( did. So ( su##ose ( am like Terri in that regard. Terri and 1d.) %e thought about it and then he went on. 'There was a time that ( thought ( loved my first wife more than life itself. "ut now ( hate her guts. ( do. %ow do you e7#lain that* What ha##ened to that love* What ha##ened to it is what (&d like to know. ( wish someone could tell me. Then there&s 1d. kay, we&re  back to 1d. %e loves Terri so much he tries to kill her and he he winds u# killing himself.) Mel sto##ed talking and swallowed from his glass. '2ou guys have been together eighteen months and you love each other. (t shows all over you. 2ou glow with it. "ut you both loved other #eo#le before you met each other. 2ou&ve both been married before, $ust like us. nd you #robably loved other #eo#le before that too, even. Terri and ( have been together for five years, been married for four. nd the terrible thing is, the terrible thing is, but the good thing too, the saving grace, you might say, is that if something ha##ened to one of us:e7cuse me for saying this:but if something ha##ened to one of us tomorrow, ( think the other one, the other #erson, would grieve for awhile, you know, but then the surviving #arty would go out and love again, have someone else soon enough. ll this, all this love we&re talking about, it would $ust be a memory. Maybe not even a memory. m ( wrong* m ( way off  base** "ecause ( want you to set me straight if you think (&m wrong. ( want to know. ( mean, ( don&t know anything, and (&m the first one to admit it.) 'Mel, for God&s sake,) Terri said. She reached out and took hold of his wrist. 're you getting drunk** %oney* re you drunk*) '%oney, (&m $ust talking,) Mel said. 'll right. ( don&t have to be drunk to say what ( think. ( mean, we&re all $ust talking, right*) Mel said. %e fi7ed his eyes on her. 'Sweetie, (&m not criticiing,) Terri said. She #icked u# her glass. '(&m not on call today,) Mel said. 'Let me remind you of that. (&m not on call.) 'Mel, we love you,) Laura said. Mel looked at Laura. %e looked at her as if he could not #lace her, as if she was not the woman she was. 'Love you too, Laura,) Mel said. 'nd you, 0ick, love you too. 2ou know something*) Mel said. '2ou guys are our #als.) %e #icked u# his glass.

 

Mel said, '( was going to tell you about something. ( mean, ( was going to #rove a  #oint. 2ou see, this ha##ened a few months months ago, but it&s still going on right now, and it ought to make us feel ashamed when we talk like we know what we&re talking about when we talk about love.) '5ome on now,) Terri. '/on&t talk like you&re drunk if you&re not drunk.) '9ust shut u# for once in your life,) Mel said very !uietly. 'Will you do me a favor and do that for a minute* So as ( was saying, there&s this old cou#le who had this car wreck out on the interstate.  kid hit them and they were all torn to shit and no one was giving them much chance to #ull through.) Terri looked at us and then back at Mel. She seemed an7ious, but maybe that&s too strong of a word. Mel was handing the bottle around the table. '( was on call that night,) Mel said. '(t was May or maybe it was 9une. Terri and ( had  $ust sat down to dinner when the hos#ital had called. There&d been been this thing out on the (nterstate. /runk kid, teenager, #lowed his dad&s #icku# into this cam#er with this old cou#le in it. They were u# in their mid+seventies, that cou#le. The kid:eighteen, nineteen, something:he was /. Taken the steering wheel through the sternum. The old cou#le, they were alive, you understand. ( mean, $ust barely. "ut they had everything. Multi#le fractures, internal in$uries, hemorrhaging, contusions, lacerations, the works, and the each of them had themselves concussions. They were in a bad way, believe me. nd, of course, their age was two strikes against them. (&d say she was worse off than he was. ;u#tured s#leen along with everything else. "oth kneeca#s broken. "ut they&d been wearing their seatbelts and, God knows, that&s what saved them for the time being.) '3olks, this is an advertisement for the 0ational Security 5ouncil,) Terri said. 'This is your s#okesman, /r. Melivin ;. McGinnis, talking.) Terri laughed. 'Mel,) she said, 'sometimes you&re $ust too much. "ut ( love you, hon,) she said. '%oney, ( love you,) Mel said. %e leaned across the table. Terri met him halfway. They kissed. 'Terri&s right,) Mel said as he settled himself. 'Get those seatbelts on. "ut seriously, they were in some sha#e, those oldsters. "y the time ( got down there, the kid was dead, as ( said. %e was off in a corner, laid out on a gurney. ( took one look at the cou#le and told the 1; nurse to get me a neurologist and an ortho#edic man and a cou#le of surgeons down there right away.) %e drank from his glass. '(&ll try to kee# this short,) he said. 'So we took the both of them u# to the ; and worked like fuck on them for most of the night. They had these incredible reserves, those two. 2ou see that once in awhile. So we did everything that could be done, and toward the morning we&re giving them a fifty+fifty chance, maybe less than that for her. So here they are, still alive the ne7t morning. So, okay, we move them into the (5