Welcome to the Hotel California

We rolled through the city’s main drag, passing through traffic light after traffic light. While it was only six o’clock, the sun was setting behind us and it bathed everything in an orange light. Just like home. “Now where did you say that we were going to be spending the night?” I asked my traveling companion, who happened to be driving. “There’s a Marriott just a few miles ahead. I thought that we’d spend the night in comfort, especially since they’re the same price as everyone else in town.” “Sounds like a plan to me.” Having spent most of the day cooped up in a car, I was ready to get out and stretch and just relax. Note to self: Don’t drink so much Coke next time. A couple of minutes later, my friend made a right turn and pulled into a small parking lot that looked more like the parking lot for a small strip mall than for a hotel. “I’ll stay in the Dakota,” I announced. My friend got out and walked up to the door and stepped inside. Why is he going into a Sears, Roebuck store? The hotel is around back. Mere seconds later, he returned and was holding my answer—room keys for our hotel room. “I saw you walk into a Sears store; how did you get room keys for a hotel?” “The shortest way to the lobby is to pass through the Sears store. They share the same first floor, so the two managements must have thought that it would be advantageous for business if they allowed people to pass through.” “What would a hotel patron want a hammer and wrench for?” “Maybe these people are so cheap that they make the guests fix the beds,” my friend chuckled. “Well, whatever the reason is, it sure is odd.” We pulled around to the back of the hotel and got out. We each seized our duffel bags and headed inside. “Here’s the keys to the room. I’ll be up there is a second; I’m gonna check out the swimming pool.” “Alright,” I responded while catching the keys. “Where’s the—Oh, there’s the elevator,” I mused. I took a few more steps and turned right to meet an elevator attendant. “Going up?” “Yeah, eighth floor.” I set my luggage down and turned to take a look around. I hardly noticed that the elevator carriage was glass and that I could see a lobby below. What is up with this guy’s strange uniform? It looks like something out of Spaceballs. With its odd, appendage-like rods coming off the side of it, he looked like he belonged at a Halloween party. “Have a long trip?” “Yeah.” As the elevator continued to climb, I could see this small platform that had no walls. The floor was made from stained wood and had tile set into it. “What’s that?” I inquired. “That’s the office of an accountant that works in this building.” “But it has no walls. Someone could sit down and fall to their death.”

“That’s the way he says he likes it. He says that if a client is too dumb not to fall off, he didn’t want to serve him anyway.” As strange as this explanation was, I quickly found myself occupied with other thoughts because I now realized that I was hearing voices inside the elevator. “I am Captain Jean Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise. We wish to speak with your leader,” the voice said. I spun my head around to see what I was hearing, and discovered that a strange, holographic display was playing scenes from Star Trek: The Next Generation. Somewhat shocked at this new development, I was becoming frantic to get off the elevator. “Eighth floor,” the attendant announced cheerfully. “Thanks,” I mumbled. I grabbed my duffel bag and clutched it tightly, almost expecting that some other oddity was about to jump out from the corner and accost me. Where’s my room, where’s my room? I found the door and quickly fumbled with my passkey and got myself in. I’m locking that door and when he gets here, he can knock. Dropping my bag on the floor, I surveyed the room and found it to be a little like a dormitory room. There was a bed close to the door, another along the same wall, and a bathroom facing us. It was a little small, but that wouldn’t be a problem for the one night that we would be spending here. And with the way things are around here, I’m glad we’re only spending one night. With that, a loud banging began and I realized that my friend wanted to get in. “What did you lock the door for?” “Don’t ask. There are weird people around here.” “Nah, you’re just being paranoid. Besides, you should check out the pool and the weight rooms—they’re pretty cool.” With that, I announced that I was going to go to sleep and see about getting the first good night’s rest in three days.  I woke up at 4 o’clock and looked at the window. Man, the sun runs a weird schedule around here. Getting out of bed, I staggered in the direction of my duffel bag and fumbled around for my exercise clothes. I’m no runner, but today I’ll have to change professions. I picked up my room key, closed the door behind me, and was off for my morning exercise.  Returning to the parking lot of the hotel, I decided to enter the building through its Sears, Roebuck entrance. When I stepped inside, however, instead of being greeted by a split-lobby design, I found myself inside a hardware store with a little sign telling me to walk around the shelves and find the hotel desk. This is weird. I weaved my way through the store and found two Asian women behind a counter. “May we help you?” one of them inquired. “You guys sure have an odd lobby.” “Did you enjoy your night?” “I slept, but this place is really strange.”

“Please go back up to your room and we’ll meet you up there shortly,” one of them said. As queer as this statement was, I found myself oddly agreeing with them, and I strode off in the direction of the elevator. When I got there, I was greeted by the same elevator attendant I had met the other day. “Good morning, sir.” “Good morning,” I responded. As the elevator ascended to the eighth floor, we passed by the same accountant’s office and I noticed that the chairs were empty like the day before. Must not be business hours yet, I thought as I began hearing the voice of Captain Picard once again. Turning to face the hologram, I noticed that although these were not the same scenes as the prior night, the device that displayed them seemed to have no physical components. It was as if the picture was simply “just there.” “Here we are, sir. Enjoy the rest of your stay.” Getting off the elevator, I turned left and walked back to my room, only to find that the door was open. Must be getting ready to leave. Guess I need to get my stuff collected. I stepped inside and began picking up yesterday’s clothes, collecting toiletries, and repacking my duffel bag. It’s nice to be able to travel out of a duffel bag. Makes life so much easier. I swung my head in the direction of the door, as someone was knocking on the doorframe. “Yes?” I asked, seeing that my callers were the two women I had met in the lobby. “We would like you to take Mr. Williams for a walk. He is a regular with us, and we would like you to help him.” I looked down at the doorway that they were standing by, and this small dog came walking out. Or was it a deformed, hunched-over human? Upon closer inspection, I realized that “Mr. Williams” was a both a dog and a human at the same time. I was horrified at the prospect of walking this “human-dog hybrid,” but once again, I found myself seeing no other alternative. I just hope that it doesn’t talk. Our walk was rather uneventful, but we did make a few extra laps around the vending machines and drinking fountains on each level of the hotel. When we made it back to the eighth floor, I was just about to let Mr. Williams go back to his room, when I again met up with the two women. “Thank you for walking Mr. Williams. Now, would you mind doing us another favor?” “Umm, no thanks. I really need to be getting packed to leave.” “But you’ve only been with us one evening. We have more that we would like you to do here.” “No thanks,” I said, making a quick dash for my room and locking the door behind me. Those women are crazy. I don’t know what it is about this place, but it gives me goosebumps. Now, where’s my stuff so I can get out of here. I began repacking my duffel bag furiously, not really giving any concern for how articles when in, or in what condition my belongings would be when I looked at them again.

Once again, the door issued another knock, and I quickly realized that the two women were still standing outside my room door. How in the world am I going to get out? Jumping from the window only works in the movies. Besides that, they probably sealed the window so people couldn’t get out of here. I was so jumpy that I nearly passed out from fright when I heard my cell phone ringing. “Where have you been, man?” “There isn’t time, we have to get out of here now!” “Meet me down at the truck, I’ll have the engine waiting.” I slammed my phone shut and grabbed my duffel bag. If I don’t have everything, I’m just gonna be missing stuff! “Please don’t make us do this. You’ve been such a good guest so far,” I heard one of them say. When they open that door, I’m breaking out of here. A couple seconds later, the door indeed did open and I rushed out of the room, nearly knocking on of the women over, and setting Mr. Williams into a barking fit. Looking ahead, I found an emergency exit staircase.” Only use in case of emergency. Yeah, well, this is an emergency! Ordinarily one should only take stairs one-at-a-time. However, I was so desperate to get out of this insane hotel building that I was leaping from landing to landing. When I reached the bottom, despite my sore shins, I sprinted at full speed for the waiting truck. “C’mom! We gotta get outta here!” my friend was yelling. Throwing my stuff in the bed, I got in the truck and noticed my friend was still in his swim trunks. “There was something in the pool, and it wasn’t human.” We spend off, greatly relieved to be away from that awful hotel. However, I never realized that I had left my contact information with the front desk.