Waitress Libretto

WAITRESS

Music and Lyrics by Sara Bareilles Book by Jessie Nelson Based on the original screenplay by  Adrienne Shelly

4/7/2017

 

WAITRESS

SONG LIST ACT ONE

Prologue: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9.

What’s Inside – Jenna Opening Up – Jenna, Becky, Dawn, Cal and Company The Negative – Jenna, Becky, and Dawn What Baking Can Do – Jenna When He Sees Me – Dawn It Only Takes a Taste – Dr. Pomatter and Jenna  You Will Still Be Mine – Earl Soft Place to Land – Jenna, Becky, and Dawn Never Getting Rid of Me – Ogie and Company Bad Idea  – Jenna and Dr. Pomatter

ACT TWO

10. I Didn't Plan It – Becky 11. Bad Idea (Reprise) – Jenna, Dr. Pomatter, Becky, Cal, Dawn, Ogie and Company 12.  You Matter to Me — Doctor Pomatter and Jenna 13. I Love You Like A Table  — Ogie, Dawn and Company 14. Take It From An Old Man  – Joe and Company 15. She Used To Be Mine  – Jenna 16. What’s Inside (Reprise) – Company 17. Everything Changes (Part I) – Jenna 17a. Everything Changes (Part II) – Jenna and Company 18. Opening Up (Finale)  – Full Company

PLACE

 A small town off Highway 27.

TIME

Not so long ago.

WAITRESS

1

ACT 1 SCENE 1: THE DINER KITCHEN In a pool of buttery morning light, JENNA, a soulful waitress in her thirties, pours herself into the pie she’s making. Her face is dusted with flour. She’s lovely but has forgotten that, her dreams years ago tucked on a shelf. PROLOGUE: WHAT’S INSIDE

SUGAR! SUGAR! SUGAR, BUTTER SUGAR, BUTTER, FLOUR SUGAR, BUTTER, FLOUR SUGAR, BUTTER, FLOUR SUGAR, BUTTER, FLOUR SUGAR, BUTTER, FLOUR These words become the sonic bed for Jenna’s reverie and continue to play while she sings. She has such an ease with baking that the ingredients seem to surreally float in front of her as the ensemble, her muses, hand her a bowl, a spoon, flour etc. JENNA

MY HANDS PLUCK THE THINGS I KNOW THAT I’LL NEED I’LL TAKE THE SUGAR AND BUTTER FROM THE PANTRY I ADD THE FLOUR TO BEGIN WHAT I AM HOPING TO START AND THEN IT’S DOWN WITH THE RECIPE AND BAKE FROM THE HEART JENNA

ENSEMBLE

SUGAR, AND BUTTER,  AND FLOUR, AND MOTHER WHAT’S INSIDE? EVERYONE WANTS TO KNOW “WHAT’S INSIDE?”  AND I ALWAYS TELL THEM, BUT I FEEL MORE THAN WORDS CAN SAY

OOH!. WHAT’S INSIDE? WHAT’S INSIDE? WHAT’S INSIDE? OOH! ENS1

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT’S INSIDE? SIMPLE QUESTION SO THEN WHAT’S THE ANSWER MY WHOLE LIFE IS IN HERE IN THIS KITCHEN BAKING

OOH!.. OOH!. OOH!.

ENS 2

WHAT’S INSIDE? WHAT’S INSIDE? WHAT’S INSIDE? WHAT’S INSIDE?

JENNA

WHAT A MESS I’M MAKING The ensemble hands her a fully baked pie. The cook, CAL, a guy’s guy surrounded by gals – brusque, unsentimental but somehow utterly charming – breaks her reverie. CAL

Jenna!

WAITRESS

2

INTRO: OPENING UP CAL (CONT’D)

What’s the special pie today? JENNA

Deep Shit Blueberry Bacon. CAL

Deep shit? JENNA

Dish! Deep Dish! Sorry Cal. The other waitresses join Jenna as the morning tasks begin. BECKY – the oldest, irreverent, irascible, been there, made it back, and somehow kept her sense of humor – and DAWN – socially awkward, a bit of a nerd, loves an ordered world, she has spent too much time alone watching The History Channel. (Continue to song on next page ! )

WAITRESS

3

SONG #1: OPENING UP JENNA

THE DAY STARTS LIKE THE REST WE’VE SEEN  ANOTHER CARBON COPY OF AN OLD ROUTINE BECKY

DAYS KEEP COMING, DAWN

ONE OUT, ONE IN JENNA/ BECKY/ DAWN

THEY KEEP COMING CAL

Make the coffee strong enough to chew! JENNA

I DON’T KNOW WHAT I WISH I HAD BUT THERE’S NO TIME NOW FOR THINKING THINGS LIKE THAT WE’VE GOT TOO MUCH TO DO DAWN & BECKY

TOO MUCH TO DO THREE WAITRESSES

 ALL THESE SAME THINGS WE’RE ALWAYS OPENING UP LETTING THE DAY IN OVER A CUP WE’LL SAY HELLO, HOW YOU BEEN? LOOKING AROUND SEEING THE SAME THINGS EVERY DAY BRINGS THREE WAITRESSES + CAL

ENSEMBLE

HELLO HELLO HOW YOU BEEN? HOW YOU BEEN? THANK YOU THANK YOU AGAIN COME AGAIN! ALL

SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE

ENSEMBLE

SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE (ECHO)

WAITRESS

4

 As the band glides in, JOE’S DINER, bustling with life, materializes around them. BECKY

I WOULDN’T CALL THIS PLACE A HAPPY END BUT I’VE BEEN ‘ROUND THE BLOCK AND JUST CAME BACK AGAIN  A SMALL TOWN LIKE OURS AIN’T MUCH BUT SOMETIMES HOME IS WHERE YOUR ASS ENDS UP CAL

ORDER UP! DAWN

ORDERED UP IS HOW THE DAY WILL FIND ME EVERYTHING IN ITS PLACE AND TIMING I LIKE THE WAY MOST OF THE DAYS LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME THREE WAITRESSES

CAL

ENS 1

ENS 2

ORDER UP

MORE OF THE SAME THINGS

WAITRESS I NEED

DON’T STOP SERVE WITH A SMILE

MORE OF THE SAME THINGS

I NEED

AND THEN IN A WHILE

MORE OF THE SAME THINGS

I NEED

CHECK THE CLOCK TICK TICK TOCK

HURRY UP FILL THE COFFEE CUP  AND THEN IN A WHILE TAKE A BREATH WHEN YOU NEED TO BE REMINDED THAT WITH

YOU NEED TO BE REMINDED THAT WITH

ALL

DAYS LIKE THESE WE CAN ONLY DO THE BEST WE CAN THREE WAITRESSES

TILL WE DO IT AGAIN CAL

COME ON MOVE IT NOW

WAITRESS THREE WAITRESSES + CAL

OPENING UP

OPENING UP

ENS1

HELLO HOW YOU BEEN? THANK YOU  AGAIN SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE

5 ENS2 HELLO (ECHO)

HOW YOU BEEN? (ECHO) THANK YOU (ECHO) AGAIN HELLO HOW YOU BEEN? THANK YOU AGAIN

HELLO HELLO HOW YOU BEEN? HOW YOU BEEN? THANK YOU THANK YOU AGAIN COME AGAIN!

ALL

SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE ENSEMBLE

SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE (ECHO) END SONG

WAITRESS CAL

Becky!... Order up!... Come on, put some hustle in that bustle. Becky takes her own sweet time to pick up the order. BECKY

Cal – I love what you’ve done with your hair. How’d you get it to come out of your nostrils like that? Jenna heads to JOE’s table – he’s a feisty, older curmudgeon with a hard shell but a buttercream center . JENNA

Howdy Joe, what’ll it be? JOE

It’s warm in here, I’m warm. JENNA

I’ll let Cal knowJOE

My palms are sweatin’ it’s so damn warm. JENNA

I hear you, Joe. JOE

OK listen up- today I want a big piece of your Deep Dish Blueberry Bacon pie with my scrambled eggs and toast and a tomata on the side, on its own plate. JENNA

No potatoes with that? JOE

Did I say anything about potatas? Where'd you get potatas from? JENNA

No potatoes. Tomato. That everything? JOE

No. I also want coffee. But don't bring that first. Bring me water first with the meal, and coffee after. Are you OK? Am I makin’ you sick? JENNA

Sorry I’m just feeling a tad queasy— Jenna heads to the counter. Becky and Dawn clock it. INTRO: THE NEGATIVE

6

WAITRESS DAWN

You OK Jenna? JENNA

Yeah I’m fine. Too much coffee’s all. BECKY

 Avoidin’ it ain’t gonna make it go away. But Jenna can’t contain the nausea and beelines toward the bathroom. Dawn and Becky follow. CAL

Hey hey HEY! Where the hell you all goin? BECKY

To the beach! Pack us a lunch. The gals enter the bathroom. Cal stands frustrated at the door. CAL

There’s no one on the floor! Am I gonna have’ta put on a waitress uniform myself! BECKY

Whatever floats your boat, Cal. CAL

Let me remind you I can fire your ass – BECKY

Sorry Cal we can’t hear you – the water’s running. CAL

Get out here! I’m only saying it once ! This is the last time I’m sayin’ it! (Radio silence from the gals.) Dammit. Frustrated, Cal gives up and heads back to the kitchen. JENNA

I gotta get back to my table. BECKY

Jenna, time to pee on a stick. Becky slowly reveals the pregnancy test tucked in her apron. JENNA

I don’t wanna know!

7

WAITRESS

SONG #2: THE NEGATIVE BECKY

COME ON HONEY, YOU’VE WAITED LONG ENOUGH BECKY & DAWN

GET TO IT AND DO IT JENNA

Ok, girls, enough! BECKY & DAWN

YOU KNOW WHAT WE MEAN DAWN

I HOPE YOU DRANK ENOUGH THIS MORNING BECKY

COME ON SWEETIE IT’S BETTER TO KNOW WE’LL BE RIGHT HERE WITH YOU, SO DAWN

IT’S NO OR IT’S YES, BUT EITHER WAY, YOU GOTTA TAKE THE TEST BECKY

 A SQUAT AND A SQUEEZE, A PRAYER AND A PLEASE, IT’S NOTHING DAWN

 A STICK AND A LINE JENNA

JUST ONE OF ‘EM IF I’M LUCKY DAWN & BECKY

 A POT AND A PISS, HERE WE GO SIS,  AND WE’LL KEEP OUR FOCUS ON ALL THREE

THE NEGATIVE Jenna goes into the bathroom stall. BECKY

Read the instructions. DAWN

Se puede saber la duración de la prueba—

8

WAITRESS

9

BECKY

In English! DAWN

Do not insert the test stick into your vagina— BECKY

Thank you, Dawn! JENNA

HOW’D I EVER GET MYSELF IN THIS MESS? ONE DRUNK NIGHT AND THAT STUPID RED DRESS ! Jenna emerges from the stall with the stick. They put it on the sink. Dawn sets a kitchen timer and puts it beside it. DAWN

I love that red dress – the way it sparkles it looks like an ice skatin’ outfit— BECKY

Stay with us Dawn. DAWN

MAYBE HIS “MACHINERY” IS BROKEN SOMEHOW WHAT IF HIS “BOYS” DON’T SWIM? I MEAN, WOW !MIRACULOUS LUCK BECKY

Miraculous, yeah, TO GET AWAY WITH AN UNPROTECTED FUJENNA

FUNNY HOW ONE NIGHT CAN RUIN YOUR WHOLE LIFE!! BECKY & DAWN

DON’T GO THERE YET, WE DON’T KNOW WHAT THE TEST SAYS JENNA

I’M ALREADY PANICKED!! BECKY

Just calm down, goddammit! DAWN

MAYBE IT’LL ALL BE FINE ALL THREE

MAYBE THERE’LL BE JUST ONE LINE COME ON, NEGATIVE

WAITRESS

10

DAWN

I thought you don’t sleep with your husband much anymore. JENNA

Got me drunk. I do stupid things when I drink. Like sleep with my husband. BECKY

Honey, we’ve all made that mistake. ALL THREE

FOCUS ON THE NEGATIVE BECKY

THIS WILL ALL BE ALRIGHT DAWN

IT WAS ONLY ONE NIGHT JENNA

SOMEONE SEND ME A SIGN BECKY & DAWN

ONE LINE ALL THREE

ONE LINE The kitchen timer dings. They all look at it apprehensively. BECKY & DAWN

THAT MEANS THE TEST IS READY ! THIS IS IT!. Jenna picks up the stick and reads the results, crestfallen. JENNA

Shit. END SONG (Continue to scene on next page ! )

WAITRESS

11

Jenna closes her eyes. BECKY

Honey, you all right? JENNA

Shh. I'm inventing a new pie in my head. CUE: PIE MUSIC BECKY

Of course you are. JENNA

I'm callin’ it “I Don’t Want Earl’s Baby Pie.” DAWN

I don’t think we can write that on the menu board. JENNA

Then I’ll just call it “Betrayed By My Eggs Pie.” DAWN

What’s gonna be in it? Jenna conjures the recipe. As each ingredient is mentioned, the ensemble emerges from the stall, handing her a bowl, an egg, a large sausage, a beer, a sparkly red dress. JENNA

Crack an egg, combine with sausage, soak it in beer, mix in cheesy red dressing, use extra shortening in your crust to trap the moisture in. Forever— BECKY

Jenna this ain’t somethin’ you can tuck into a pie. Cal bellows through the door, piercing the moment. CAL

HEY! CUE: THE NEGATIVE TRANSITION CAL (CONT’D)

Pledge the sorority later! (They quickly pull themselves together and exit the bathroom.) You don’t do your work I’ll dock your pay. (to Becky) And lady, you are really pushing my buttons today.

WAITRESS

12

BECKY

Which one is mute?  A man’s voice cuts through the clatter of the diner – it’s Jenna’s husband, EARL. Earl  peaked in high school, his face clouded with broken dreams drowned with cheap beer. He is almost a talented musician and that “almost” has haunted him his whole life. Publicly Earl is all charm, but privately, Jenna gets the brunt of his unhappiness. EARL

Waitress! Who do you have to know around here to get a piece of pie? JENNA

Earl – EARL

Hey sweet thang – Earl sits. Thrown, Jenna heads over to his table. Becky watches them like a hawk. JENNA

What are you doin’ here? EARL

Takin’ the rest of the day off. JENNA

What about work? EARL

Friggin foreman was on my ass for bein’ late. I said don’t blame the line at Taco Bell on me! I don’t belong in that shit job ! Hey where’s my kiss? JENNA

Earl I gotta get back to— EARL

They can wait. (Jenna kisses him on the cheek.)

How we doin’ today? (He holds out his hand, she reaches into her apron and hands him her tips – their ritual.)

Not bad! not great!You know I’ve been thinking. I’m not really sure it’s worth your working at this diner. I don’t like those girls. (Off Becky’s stink eye.)

That one looks at me like I just killed her dog.  (Jenna gets him a piece of pie.)  I think I might rather have you be home – makin’ me pies all day long.  (Taking a bite of pie) Damn this is tasty. JENNA

Last piece left. Sold so fast today couldn’t quite believe it—

WAITRESS

13

EARL (jealous, a tad threatened)

Yeah, well, don’t go getting a big head or nothin’. I mean this is good but let’s face it !you’re no Sara Lee. JENNA

You used to say my pies were so good I could open my own shop. EARL

Yeah, well I was just tryin’ to get laid. CUE: PIE MUSIC We enter Jenna’s pie reverie, a fantasy of leaving Earl. JENNA

“My Husband’s A Jerk Chicken Pot Pie.” Pound chicken ‘til it’s unrecognizable. (BAM . The ensemble puts a suitcase on Earl’s table.) Pack flour quickly. (The ensemble throws her clothes to pack.) Use only essential ingredients. Simmer without a lid, enabling the vapor to escape swiftly from the mixture. (The ensemble gives her a coat.) EARL

Jenna!! Jenna!! JENNA! (Earl snaps, pulling Jenna out of her reverie, suitcase and coat disappearing.) You're not listening to me! I work hard. You want for nothin’ and you can’t even listen to me. JENNA

I’ll work on that, Earl. EARL

 Am I imagining it or are your boobies gettin’ bigger? Like they practically grew a size overnight. Long pause. Is she gonna tell him? Becky clocks this. JENNA

That’s crazy Earl. EARL

Maybe you’re eatin’ just a little too much pie ! I’m outta here. (He starts to leave then, for Becky’s benefit, pulls open his shirt to reveal a large tattoo of his name emblazoned on his chest .)

You tell your friends about this bad boy? Earl. In Medieval font. Don’t get too close – ink’s still dryin’. He struts out.

WAITRESS

14

BECKY

Now that must be helpful, just in case he forgets who he is ! Jenna, life is a shit show. My left boob is now so much lower than my right I’m lucky I don’t trip over it. And I’m married to Drooling Phil The Invalid and buying Depends by the bulk. And Dawn here has never had a boyfriend and she eats TV dinners alone every night— DAWN

Chicken Kiev on Monday, Veal Piccata on TuesdayBECKY

—but we still wouldn’t rather be you. DAWN

No, we sure wouldn’t. Jenna gets back to work, covering her discomfort in this territory. JENNA

Everybody’s got somethin’ they’re dealin’ with. Don’t worry about me. It’ll be fine – BECKY

Yeah, some father Earl’s gonna be. Hon, don’t hold yourself to vows and promises you made when you were too young to know who the hell he really was! JENNA (defensive)

Earl wasn’t always like this. He’s just goin’ through a rough time is all. BECKY

What’s the shelf life on that excuse !. It gets quiet. JENNA

I couldn’t even afford to leave him now. DAWN

You can move in with me. It’s a studio but I have a full size twin. JENNA

That’s real sweet Dawn but I have a baby comin’. BECKY

Jenna, dust the flour out of your brain. Do that baby a favor and leave his sorry ass. JENNA

He’d never let me!

WAITRESS

15

BECKY

Honey, it’s not up to him. JENNA

Look I got 14 pies to make that ain’t gonna bake themselves. INTRO: WHAT BAKING CAN DO The pantry table comes on. Jenna avoids the conversation by diving into baking. BECKY

Jenna— JENNA (handing Becky pies)

Life’s Just Peachy Peachy Keen Pie. BECKY

Jenna! JENNA

Where There’s A Whisk There’s A Way Pie. BECKY

Oh Lord! (Continue to song on next page ! )

WAITRESS

16

SONG #3: WHAT BAKING CAN DO JENNA

MAKE IT WORK MAKE IT EASY MAKE IT CLEVER CRAFT IT INTO PIECES MAKE IT SWEET CRIMP THE EDGES OR MAKE IT SOUR AND SERVE WITH LEMON WEDGES EVEN DOUBT CAN BE DELICIOUS  AND IT WASHES OFF OF ALL THE DIRTY DISHES WHEN IT’S DONE I CAN SMILE IT’S ON SOMEONE ELSE’S PLATE FOR A WHILE I’LL PLACE IT ON DISPLAY  AND THEN I’LL SLICE AND SERVE MY WORRIES AWAY CHORUS

CAUSE I CAN FIX THIS I CAN TWIST IT INTO SUGAR BUTTER COVERED PIECES NEVER MIND WHAT’S UNDERNEATH IT I HAVE DONE IT BEFORE I’LL BAKE ME A DOOR TO HELP ME GET THROUGH I LEARNED THAT FROM YOU MAMA, IT’S AMAZING WHAT BAKING CAN DO

DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DOO !

Jenna has a vision of her mom who begins baking with her. Now, in pools of light, women appear mirroring the baking gestures of Jenna’s mom.

MAKE IT UP  AND SURPRISE THEM TELL THEM ALL MY SECRETS BUT DISGUISE THEM SO THEY DANCE ON THE TONGUES OF THE VERY PEOPLE THAT THEY’RE SECRETS FROM MAKE IT SOON MAKE IT BETTER THOUGH BETTER NEVER LASTS FOREVER MAKE IT SMALL SO IT FITS

OOH!

OOH!

EVEN THIS EVEN NOW EVEN AS THE WALLS COME TUMBLING DOWN EVEN AS I CAN’T STOP REMEMBERING HOW EVERY DOOR WE EVER MADE WE NEVER ONCE WALKED OUT  A haunted memory appears of suppressed violence between Jenna’s mother and father, and then disappears.

WAITRESS

JENNA (CONT’D)

17

CHORUS (CONT’D)

OOH! SOMETHING I NEVER GOT THE CHANCE TO ASK HER ABOUT SO WITH FLOUR ON MY HANDS I’LL SHOW THEM ALL HOW GODDAMN HAPPY I AM SUGAR BUTTER FLOUR DON’T LET ME DOWN LET’S SEE THE NEXT AMAZING THING BAKING DOES NOW

DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO

END SONG Jenna puts multi-colored marshmallows on top of the pie. It is done. INTRO: KNOCKED UP YOU The counter becomes the waiting room, three pregnant women turn on the stools and in Jenna’s mind, sing to her surreally like pregnant Andrew Sisters. (Continue to song on next page ! )

WAITRESS

SONG #3A: CLUB KNOCKED UP PREGNANT WOMAN #1

KNOCK KNOCK! PREGNANT WOMEN #2 AND #3

KNOCK KNOCK! PREGNANT WOMAN #1

WHO’S THERE? PREGNANT WOMEN #2 AND #3

WHO’S THERE? PREGNANT WOMAN #1

KNOCKED UP PREGNANT WOMEN #2 AND #3

KNOCKED UP WHO? PREGNANT WOMAN #1

YOU THERE ALL THREE

JOIN US NURSE NORMA

Mrs. Hunterson, the doctor will see you now. ALL THREE

WELCOME TO CLUB KNOCKED UP PREGNANT WOMAN #1

KNOCK KNOCK! PREGNANT WOMEN #2 AND #3

WHO’S THERE PREGNANT WOMAN #1

PRECIOUS PREGNANT WOMEN #2 AND #3

PRECIOUS WHO? PREGNANT WOMAN #1

PRECIOUS LITTLE

18

WAITRESS

ALL THREE

PARASITE WHO SET ITS SITE ON YOU The waiting room evolves into the exam room as the examination table comes on and Jenna takes a seat on it.

DREAMS COME TRUE WELCOME TO CLUB KNOCKED UP WELCOME TO CLUB KNOCKED UP! END SONG We hear a knock on the exam room door.

19

WAITRESS

20

ACT 1, SCENE 2: DR. POMATTER’S EXAM ROOM DR. POMATTER enters – early 30’s, genuinely warm, if clumsy, manner. DOCTOR POMATTER

Hello. Mrs. Bunterson? JENNA

Hunterson. Who are you? DOCTOR POMATTER

I’m your doctor. Doctor Pomatter. You brought a pie? You know I’ve only been in town a few weeks and I’m so impressed with the genuine hospitality of the place. JENNA

You're not my doctor. Lily Perkins is my doctor. This pie is for her. It's her favorite – “Mermaid Marshmallow.” DOCTOR POMATTER

Well, I’m sorry to say she’s not seeing any patients. She's semi-retired now. JENNA

What? DOCTOR POMATTER

Long story, making it short: I'm the new doctor on staff. I'm from Connecticut. Just moved here 2 weeks ago. Are you bored yet? JENNA

Yes. (Catching herself quickly.) No. DOCTOR POMATTER

Sorry. Anyway. If you're not comfortable having me as your doctor, that's fine ! my feelings won't be hurt, you can go get yourself another gynecologist in the area. JENNA

But Dr. Perkins delivered me. She's been my doctor forever. I really like and trust her. DOCTOR POMATTER

Well maybe you can really like and trust me too. Long pause. She studies him. JENNA

It doesn’t happen that fast. But I’ll try. DOCTOR POMATTER Good. Great! Then I'm your doctor. (shaking her hand) Nice to meet you, Mrs. Bunterson.

WAITRESS

21

JENNA

Hunterson. DOCTOR POMATTER

Hunterson. What seems to be the problem? JENNA

Well, I seem to be pregnant. DOCTOR POMATTER

Oh! Good! Good for you. Congratulations. JENNA

Thanks. But I don't want this baby. DOCTOR POMATTER

Oh. Well! I can refer you to a doctor that performs abor— JENNA

No, I'm keeping it. Not that I judge that ! I'm just telling you I'm not so happy about it like everybody else would be, so maybe you can be sensitive and not congratulate me and make a big deal every time you see me. I'm having the baby and that's that. It's not a party, though. DOCTOR POMATTER (taking a note)

Got it. Not a party. Nurse Norma enters. NURSE NORMA

Excuse me, Doctor. Mrs. Flannigan wants to talk to you about doulas before she leaves. DOCTOR POMATTER

Doulas? I have no idea what that is. I’m only joking. Of course I know what that is. Nurse Norma looks at him skeptically !”mm hmm!” DOCTOR POMATTER (mouthing to Jenna)

I have no idea what that is. Do you? NURSE  And here are Mrs. Hunterson’s blood test results. Nurse Norma hands him the results as she exits.

WAITRESS DOCTOR POMATTER

Well, un-congratulations. You're definitely having a baby. JENNA

Well, un-thank you. DOCTOR POMATTER

Do you have any concerns?... Do's and don'ts?... Exercise, sex? JENNA

Well, I don't really do much of either. DOCTOR POMATTER

Ok! Here's your prescription for pre-natal vitamins. (He rips the sheet off the pad, drops it, and fumbles trying to catch it.)

Nurse Norma will give you a list of the good and bad foods. Caffeine, alcohol, etcetera... Nice meeting you, Jenna. I'll want to see you in three weeks. They lock eyes for a moment. He turns away, uncomfortable. JENNA

I do have one question. DOCTOR POMATTER

Shoot. JENNA

How pregnant am I? DOCTOR POMATTER

Um, very pregnant. There’s really only one degree of pregnancy, so to speak... JENNA

No, I mean... how far along? DOCTOR POMATTER

Oh! About 8 weeks. Give or take. JENNA

So I won’t start showing for a while, right? DOCTOR POMATTER

Right. JENNA (to herself)

Then I have a little time !

22

WAITRESS DOCTOR POMATTER

 Although it is quite beautiful when a woman’s body— JENNA

Yeah yeah yeah! DOCTOR POMATTER

Understood.  A beat. JENNA

Dr. Pomatter? DOCTOR POMATTER

Yeah? JENNA

I’m gonna give you this pie. Jenna holds out the pie. DOCTOR POMATTER

It looks absolutely delicious but I’m off sugar ! actually it causes leptin resistance, chromium deficiency, decreased longevity! JENNA

My mama used to say you can live to be a 100 if you give up all the things that make you wanna live to be a 100. DOCTOR POMATTER

Well the longer you’re away from sugar the less you crave it. I haven’t had a piece of pie in years. JENNA

Really? Life’s hard enough. Jenna leaves the pie on the exam table, a parting gesture, and exits. Pomatter studies the pie, then leaves the room. After a moment, he opens the door, unable to resist a sniff. It just smells too good. He climbs on the table and searches for something to take a bite with. Finally, he uses his stethoscope to scoop a bite. CUE: POMATTER PIE TRANSITION

23

WAITRESS

24

Time stops. He’s flooded with memories, transported by its deliciousness. Nurse Norma wheels him off on the exam table as he relishes the pie. The office deconstructs and the diner materializes.

WAITRESS

25

ACT 1, SCENE 3: THE DINER Cal is setting up for the day. Dawn is meticulously filling ketchup and mustard bottles. DAWN

Listen Cal, we had ketchups out there yesterday half-empty and we all know, the fuller the condiments, the fuller the experience. I am so sorry. I’ll make sure it never happens again. CAL (with feigned jubilation)

Thank you, Dawn. I'll sleep tonight! Jenna rushes in out of breath.

You’re late. JENNA

I’m sorry. Bus driver was half asleep. CAL

Why doesn’t your damn husband buy you a car already? JENNA

Because he doesn’t want me goin’ nowhere. Now Becky, hiding behind the rolling pie rack, sneaks in hoping not to be noticed. CAL

 And you! Late again! You’re inches away from being fired, lady. Becky comes out from behind the rack and takes off her sunglasses, facing off with Cal. BECKY

Okay, fire me. CAL

Okay I will! BECKY

Okay then do! UNDERSCORE: WESTERN FACEOFF They have a stand off. It’s a draw. The waitresses begin to set up for the day. BECKY

So! how was the doc?

WAITRESS

26

JENNA

Fine. It was fine. New doctor. A man. BECKY

 A man. Wow. Is he single? Maybe he'd be good for Dawn. Dawn laughs and then snorts. It’s awkward but completely endearing. JENNA

I think he had a ring. Nice guy. Nervous. From Connecticut. BECKY

Connecticut? What the hell is he doin' here? JENNA

I have no idea. BECKY

Girl, park it for a minute. We bought you something. (Dawn goes to sit down in Jenna’s seat.) Not you. DAWN

 A present. They all gather. Dawn hands Jenna a gift bag. JENNA

That's so sweet. You shouldn't have. (Jenna pulls a book out of the bag.)

"What a Mama You’re Gonna Be!" DAWN

I researched all the best baby books. This one was so sweet look here – there’s a place to write your first letter to your baby. “Dear Baby !” JENNA

That’s really great. BECKY

We know you didn't initially have a... strong happiness about this pregnancy, but she is coming anyway, so... JENNA

We don't know it's a she. It could be an alien. BECKY

You're not getting any more affectionate toward this little baby?

WAITRESS

DAWN

Not at all? JENNA

Not everyone wants to be a mother, Dawn; that doesn’t make me a bad person— CAL

Can I get the book club some coffee and a slice of Sit On Your Ass Pie? BECKY

That’s a good one, Cal. Keep’m comin! CAL

Openin’ up! They go back to their chores, Jenna setting out the morning pies. BECKY (to Jenna)

So did you tell Earl yet? JENNA It didn’t come up.  (wanting to change the subject)  Did you finish your profile yet Dawn? BECKY

We’re not done talkin’ about you. JENNA

I think we are. Dawn? DAWN

I’m still writin’ it. JENNA

You’ve been writin’ it for weeks. Dawn wheels her cart away from the conversation. They follow. DAWN

There’s just not enough space to complete a compelling, yet thorough, honest, description of myself. JENNA

Why don’t you run what you got by us? BECKY

Go ahead, honey. Let’s hear it.

27

WAITRESS

28

Dawn shifts nervously and takes out her dupe pad where she has written her profile. DAWN

“Ecstatically alive, enthusiastically American, dynamic and witty, I am a woman of many passions, including a rare turtle collection. Jenna and Becky shoot each other a look – oy. DAWN

I love the History Channel. JENNA

Now that’s nice. DAWN

Note: I have played Betsy Ross in 33 Revolutionary War Reenactments.” JENNA

!Okay! That’ll set you apart from the crowd – DAWN I’m calling myself (dramatically, with a flourish)  “NewDawnRising.” Oh dear ! Jenna and Becky try to contain their reaction. DAWN

Too much? BECKY AND JENNA

!No! JENNA

Post it tonight! Dawn crumples up the page. DAWN

This is a mistake. BECKY

Dawn this is your one and only life! (Continue to song on next page ! )

WAITRESS

29

SONG #4: WHEN HE SEES ME DAWN

I STICK WITH REAL THINGS USUALLY FACTS AND FIGURES WHEN INFORMATION’S IN ITS PLACE I MINIMIZE THE GUESSING GAME Guess What? JENNA & BECKY

What? DAWN

I DON’T LIKE GUESSING GAMES OR WHEN I FEEL THINGS BEFORE I KNOW THE FEELINGS HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO OPERATE IF I’M JUST TOSSED AROUND BY FATE? LIKE ON AN UNEXPECTED DATE WITH A STRANGER WHO MIGHT (Dawn fills the ketchups with mustard. Becky slides the ketchups over.) TALK TOO FAST OR ASK ME QUESTIONS ABOUT MYSELF BEFORE I’VE DECIDED THAT HE CAN ASK ME QUESTIONS ABOUT MYSELF HE MIGHT SIT TOO CLOSE OR CALL THE WAITER BY HIS FIRST NAME OR EAT OREOS BUT EAT THE COOKIE BEFORE THE CREAM BUT WHAT SCARES ME THE MOST ! BUT WHAT SCARES ME THE MOST ! ENSEMBLE

IS WHAT IF WHEN HE SEES ME WHAT IF HE DOESN’T LIKE IT? WHAT IF HE RUNS THE OTHER WAY  AND I CAN’T HIDE FROM IT

OOH!

 AH! AH! OOH!

WHAT HAPPENS THEN IF WHEN HE KNOWS ME HE’S ONLY DISAPPOINTED WHAT IF I GIVE MYSELF AWAY TO ONLY GET IT GIVEN BACK

 AH! I COULDN’T LIVE WITH THAT HOW DO YOU LIVE WITH THAT SO I’M JUST FINE INSIDE MY SHELL-SHAPED MIND THIS WAY I GET THE BEST VIEW SO THAT WHEN HE SEES ME I WANT HIM TO JENNA

Dawn you seem a little—I mean, just a tad—

WAITRESS DAWN

30 ENSEMBLE

I’M NOT DEFENSIVE I’M SIMPLY BEING CAUTIOUS I CAN’T RISK WRECKLESS DATING DUE TO MY MISCALCULATING WHY  A CERTAIN SUITOR STANDS IN LINE I’VE SEEN IN MOVIES, MOST MADE FOR TELEVISION YOU CANNOT BE TOO CAREFUL WHEN IT COMES TO SHARING YOUR LIFE I COULD END UP A MISERABLE WIFE.

AH!. AH! AH! AH !. AH!. AH! AH !

Jenna and Becky raise their eyebrows. DAWN

OH, SORRY GIRLS. (Dawn sees a customer about to cut their pie with a knife. She grabs the knife.)

BUT HE COULD BE CRIMINAL SOME SORT OF PSYCHOPATH WHO ESCAPED FROM AN INSTITUTION SOMEWHERE WHERE THEY DON’T HAVE GIRLS HE COULD HAVE MASTERMINDED SOME WAY TO FIND ME HE COULD BE COLOR BLIND, HOW UNTRUSTWORTHY IS THAT? (Dawn lifts the pants of a customer with two different colored socks.)

HE COULD BE LESS THAN KIND, OR EVEN WORSE HE COULD BE VERY NICE HAVE LOVELY EYES  AND MAKE ME LAUGH COME OUT OF HIDING WHAT DO I DO WITH THAT? OH GOD. We enter Dawn’s fantasy – an MGM musical, diner style – every male customer a  potential suitor. ENSEMBLE

WHAT IF WHEN HE SEES ME I LIKE HIM AND HE KNOWS IT WHAT IF HE OPENS UP A DOOR AND I CAN’T CLOSE IT WHAT HAPPENS THEN IF WHEN HE HOLDS ME MY HEART IS SET IN MOTION I’M NOT PREPARED FOR THAT I’M SCARED OF BREAKING OPEN

WHEN HE SEES YOU WHAT IF YOU ONLY OPEN UP THEN IF WHEN HE HOLDS YOU WHAT IF YOU ONLY OPEN UP AND HOPE FOR LOVE

BUT STILL I CAN’T HELP FROM HOPING (The fantasy subsides, and Dawn returns to her quietest hopes and fears.) TO FIND SOMEONE TO TALK TO WHO LIKES THE WAY I AM SOMEONE WHO WHEN HE SEES ME, WANTS TO AGAIN END SONG

WAITRESS

31

The gals gather around Dawn, who has clearly now convinced herself to post the profile. CAL

Do y’all plan to work today or do you expect folks to serve themselves? BECKY

Works for me. Becky seats herself at a table, Dawn busses it. Joe arrives and swats them away from his table. JOE

I don't think I invited anyone to breakfast. Shoo! Shoo! CAL

Becky, Old Joe’s in your section. Kinda owns the place – BECKY

I can’t deal with him today. JENNA

Drop two menus at table 3, I got him. BECKY

You’re a trooper. JENNA (heading to Joe’s table)

Hiya Joe. JOE

It's warm in here. I'm warm. Turn the air on. JENNA

I’ll tell Cal, hon. JOE

They keep all my businesses too warm. My gas station. My supermarket. My laundromat. My diner. I will not tolerate it being too damn warm. JENNA

I hear you Joe. JOE

Okay listen up. I want the special “Betrayed By My- Betrayed By My Eggs Pie.” (Jenna won’t meet his eyes.) Tomata on the side, on its own plate. JENNA

That everything?

WAITRESS

32

JOE

No, I also want orange juice. But don’t bring that first. Bring the water first. Bring the O.J. with the meal. Listen to my horoscope before you skedoodle away. (He opens his paper and reads before she can make a getaway)  "Aquarius. Smooth sailing today as Mars enters your inner circle." Whatever the hell that means. "The ones you love will listen carefully to you today, just make sure you're careful with what you say." I don’t have ones I love. You want to hear yours? JENNA

I’m Aquarius too, hon. And I don’t have ones I love either. Just ones I live with. Jenna is fighting off a potent wave of nausea. He looks at her intently. JOE

You got something in the oven other than a pie? JENNA

What? JOE

You got a bun in the oven? JENNA

Shhhhhhhhh. Quiet. JOE I’ve seen that look on a woman before. (Wistfully) Her name was Annette. I made sweet love

to her all through the summer of 1948. She got that same sick look on her face, like you had, all through the fall. Almost married her right up. She lost the baby, though. Close call. (Very loud) When you due? JENNA

Hey! Joe, I don’t want Cal to hear you! Joe points to the paper. JOE

Look here, the National Pie Bake Off is in Springfield this year. Last year’s winner, Eunice Kevesdy, spent her prize money on an RV with a convection oven. You should enter. JENNA

Oh come on Joe. My pies are good but I’m no Sara Lee. She turns to leave. JOE

Prize money’s $20,000. She turns back— he tears off that page and hands it to her.

WAITRESS

33

CUE: PIE MUSIC In this transition the ensemble lifts Jenna as if she is leaping/ flying towards the bus stop. JENNA

“Jumping Without A Net Bottomless Pie.”

WAITRESS

34

ACT 1, SCENE 4: THE BUS STOP Now the ensemble surrounds Jenna, supporting her vision, a moment of standing on the bus stop bench winning a first prize ribbon for her pie. JENNA

Pillows of the softest meringue, topped with ribbons of strawberry cream. No crust. (She smiles for a photo, receiving a giant check.)

“Getting Out Of The Mud Mud Pie” – generous scoops of mocha almond ice cream ! Jenna sits on the bench, still lost in her reverie. Dr. Pomatter walks up to the bus stop. DOCTOR POMATTER

Um... hello. JENNA

Sprinkled with bittersweet chocolate morsels ! DOCTOR POMATTER

Mrs. Hunterson? JENNA

 And slivered almonds! DOCTOR POMATTER

Mrs. Hunterson? JENNA

Doctor Pomatter! Hi. What are you doin' here? DOCTOR POMATTER

Car wouldn't start this morning. Took the bus. I forgot how much I love buses. You always take the bus? JENNA

Tuesday nights – my husband goes out drinking with the boys. DOCTOR POMATTER

That’s nice. For him. That you let him – JENNA

Yeah. I love Tuesdays. (Awkward pause.)

Where do you live? DOCTOR POMATTER

Stanton Grove.

WAITRESS

35

JENNA

Oh, wow! it's nice over there. DOCTOR POMATTER

Sure, if you like trees. Which, you know, who doesn’t like trees? You mind if I sit down? JENNA

Not at all. Dr. Pomatter sits on the bench. DOCTOR POMATTER

So, you're a waitress? JENNA

I’m a waitress. DOCTOR POMATTER

Where do you work? JENNA

Little place off Highway 27. Joe's Pie Diner. We serve 27 different varieties of pie. DOCTOR POMATTER

Wow. Must be a virtual pie factory. JENNA

I make all the pies fresh every morning. Breakfast pies, lunch pies, and a special new pie that I invent every day. DOCTOR POMATTER

Did you make that marshmallow pie you gave me? JENNA

Yes, I did. Mermaid Marshmallow Pie. I invented it with my mom when I was 9 years old. In my mermaid phase. DOCTOR POMATTER

Well that was probably the best pie I've ever tasted in my life. JENNA

You tried it? I won’t tell your doctor. DOCTOR POMATTER

No, seriously! it was biblically good, that’s how good it was. That pie could win contests and ribbons and things.

WAITRESS

36

JENNA

Wow, what a thing to say. DOCTOR POMATTER

I am so sorry that was a compliment. JENNA

I know. That's why it made me uncomfortable. DOCTOR POMATTER

You're blushing. I shouldn't have said that. You know, it’s kinda funny ! INTRO: IT ONLY TAKES A TASTE DOCTOR POMATTER (CONT’D)

Seeing you, sitting here in your uniform ! (Continue to song on next page ! )

WAITRESS

SONG #5: IT ONLY TAKES A TASTE DOCTOR POMATTER

YOU REMIND ME OF A GIRL I ONCE KNEW GOD BY NOW, SHE’S WELL IN MIDDLE AGE, PROBABLY 41 OR 42 JENNA

Thank you? DOCTOR POMATTER

Oh, god. No. Sorry, I only meant SHE WAS A WAITRESS AT A SHOP I USED TO FREQUENT QUITE A LOT NICE TEETH, AND SMALL HANDS,  AND SNUCK ME GOODIES I COULDN’T AFFORD THEN SHE WAS SWEET TO ME REMINDS ME OF YOU JENNA

Nobody really ever notices me that way ! DOCTOR POMATTER

Well, somebody did! I mean, right? You’ve got the whole baby thing goin’ on. SHE’D BAKE THE PIES FRESH EVERY DAY, LIKE YOU I GUESS BUT I MUST SAY IF PIES WERE BOOKS YOURS WOULD BE SHAKESPEARE’S LETTERS YOU REMIND ME OF HER, BUT BETTER IT ONLY TAKES A TASTE WHEN IT’S SOMETHING SPECIAL IT ONLY TAKES A TASTE WHEN YOU KNOW IT’S GOOD SOMETIMES ONE BITE IS MORE THAN ENOUGH TO KNOW YOU WANT MORE OF THE THING YOU JUST GOT A TASTE OF JENNA

THAT REMINDS ME OF A THING WE WOULD SAY ME AND MY MAMA IN THE KITCHEN WHEN WE’D BAKE SHE’D SAY, “JENNA, YOU CAN TELL THE WHOLE STORY, WITH A TASTE” DOCTOR POMATTER

YEAH THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN! I SWEAR THAT AS THE FLAVORS MIXED AND MELTED I COULD HEAR THOSE SIRENS SING IT WAS TRULY SOMETHING SPECIAL ONE TASTE AND I WANT THE WHOLE THING

37

WAITRESS

DOCTOR POMATTER (CONT’D)

I MUST SAY IT FELT LIKE I GOT CARRIED AWAY INTOXICATED, MADE ME ESCAPE THE ROOM I WAS IN, I CAN’T HELP BUT WONDER HOW YOUR HANDS MUST HAVE FELT CREATING SUCH A MASTERFUL THING JENNA

JUST ONE BITE CAUSED ALL THAT WONDERING? DOCTOR POMATTER

IT ONLY TAKES A TASTE JENNA AND DOCTOR POMATTER

IT ONLY TAKES A TASTE WHEN YOU KNOW IT’S GOOD SOMETIMES ONE BITE IS MORE THAN ENOUGH TO KNOW YOU WANT MORE OF THE THING YOU JUST GOT A TASTE OF. END SONG We hear her bus approaching, and see its lights. JENNA

Oh, look. There’s my bus. (Jenna and Doctor Pomatter stand up.)

Nice talking to you, Doctor Pomatter. DOCTOR POMATTER Call me anytime, Jenna, I'm here. (Catching himself) For all your questions and concerns. JENNA

Good to know, Doctor Pomatter. The bus stop disappears and is replaced by a couch, as the rest of Jenna’s small, humble living room materializes around her.

38

WAITRESS

39

ACT 1, SCENE 5: EARL AND JENNA’S HOUSE Jenna sits on the couch, lost in thought, savoring the encounter. Earl enters with a 6 pack and intentionally drops his toolbox, startling her. JENNA

Earl – It’s Tuesday night – Whattaya doing home so early? EARL

Well thanks to my asshole foreman looks like I’m gonna be home a lot. Dude says I’m late one too many times and fires me! I said you can take this toolbox and shove it up your ass! I don’t even want this goddamn job. Called me arrogant! Me?... Arrogant? Loser’s been waitin’ to stick it to me since high school. JENNA

Earl I’m sorry— EARL

Don’t you feel sorry for me! I’m fine! I am fine! I’m celebratin! (Earl downs a beer in one long swig.)

So. Looks like you’re gonna be payin’ the bills around here. How’d we do today? (Earl holds out his hand. She reaches into her apron and hands him her tips.)

You’re shittin’ me. That can’t be all you earned. JENNA

It was a slow day . EARL

Well maybe you gotta move a little faster ! Where’s my kiss? (Jenna kisses his cheek. He pulls her close.)

Kiss me like you mean it. JENNA

I’m sorry Earl I’m not feelin’ so good – EARL

You feel alright to me. Come on baby take my bad day away. Jenna subtly eases away. Rejected, he shuts down. JENNA

Let me get you somethin’ to eat. I’ve got some leftovers from work – chicken potpie – She pulls some tinfoil leftovers out of her purse. Earl is sitting on a powder keg of anger. EARL

You think I don’t see what you’re doin? You think I’m stupid?

WAITRESS

40

JENNA

No – EARL

No? JENNA

No Earl I was just thinkin’ you had a hard day maybe some warm pie would— EARL

I’m not fuckin’ hungry! Snapping, he throws the tinfoil leftovers. JENNA

Earl calm down. EARL

Calm down? (grabbing Jenna’s arm) I’ll show you calm. He strong-arms her, she gets away, he follows in a blind rage about to hit her. JENNA

Earl, I’m pregnant! Earl reels in stunned silence. EARL

What?... When the hell were you gonna tell me? JENNA

I know you’ve been under a lot of pressure. I was just waiting for the right time. EARL

Well you have great timing! JENNA

Sorry, Earl. Sorry. Earl reaches for her tenderly. She flinches. For him, the outburst is over, but Jenna remains shaken. EARL

No wonder you’ve been looking so tired all the time – come here, sit down babe - you lil’ butterball... Well how do you like that- I’m having a baby! Little Earl Junior. The legend lives on! (He toasts himself.)  ...Wait a minute. What if you start to love the baby more than you love me? Women do it all the time. They have a baby and then to hell with the man.

WAITRESS

41

JENNA

You’re jealous of the baby? EARL

No. I don’t get jealous. That’s below me. I'm just talkin’ it out. Talkin’ my feelings out. Maybe I  just need you to make me a promise you won’t love that baby more than me. JENNA (barely audible)

Okay! EARL

Say I promise. JENNA

I said okay – EARL

Baby I need this from you. It’s you and me first, right? The way it’s always been – (Continue to song on next page ! )

WAITRESS SONG #6: YOU WILL STILL BE MINE EARL

REMEMBER MY CLEAN SHAVE BACK IN OUR OLD DAYS, WHEN WE WERE JUST KIDS (Earl picks up his guitar.)

I HAD MY SIX-STRING, AND YOU HAD YOUR OWN THING, THOUGH I DON’T REMEMBER WHAT IT IS I WROTE YOU LOVE SONGS, AND YOU LIKE THAT SAD ONE SO I PLAYED IT ALL THE TIME WHAT WAS THAT ONE LINE? SOMETHING ABOUT SUNSHINE? I SANG IT EVERY NIGHT (Earl begins to play the song he wrote her years ago.)

WHERE THE SUN DON’T SHINE (pretending to search for the lyric, but knowing full well what it is)

That can’t be it ! WHEN THE SUN WON’T SHINE What was it baby? JENNA

TILL THE SUN DON’T SHINE YOU WILL STILL BE MINE EARL (pointedly)

That’s right. MAN WHAT A WHIRLWIND, SO MUCH IS HAPPENING, AND MOSTLY TO ME WE’VE COME SUCH A LONG WAY NO TURNING BACK NOW, BABE YOU’RE MY FAMILY Now promise me. TILL THE END OF TIME, THESE ARE TIES THAT BIND Sing it honey! JENNA

TILL THE SUN DON’T SHINE EARL AND JENNA

YOU WILL STILL BE MINE END SONG Earl lifts Jenna up possessively and carries her into their bedroom.

42

WAITRESS

43

ACT 1, SCENE 6: THE PANTRY The lunch rush is over. Jenna, still rattled from last night, is intently counting her tips. Becky is checking out her reflection in a stainless steel bowl. BECKY

Is it my imagination or is my left boob drooping down even lower today? I’m starting to feel like something Picasso woulda made! (re: Jenna’s tips) How’d you do? JENNA

Between Mr. Frugalman on table 5 and “Hey I’ll Get You Next Time” on table 7 not great. Thinkin’ of pickin’ up a couple extra shifts. BECKY

You crazy? You work hard enough already. (Becky finds the baby book tucked into the spice rack.)

What’s this doin’ next to the cinnamon? JENNA (covering, busted)

Oh yeah!I was looking for it ! BECKY

You can’t write your baby a letter from the spice rack. JENNA

I’m not much of a letter writer. Becky studies her friend. BECKY

You OK? Dawn enters, sighing anxiously. DAWN

I’m having a small anxiety attack ! I got a message on my profile. JENNA

Girl you’ve been sittin’ on this news all day? DAWN

He calls himself OKCWithABullet. 32, has all his hair, kind smile, loves poetry, Pavarotti, and puzzles. JENNA

He sounds perfect!

WAITRESS

44

BECKY

Look at you! They’re already lining up! Take a number! DAWN

Yeah!oh dear, it’s happening, really happening. I made a 5-minute date with him tonight! JENNA AND BECKY

5 minutes? JENNA

Can’t the guy pay for the whole thing? DAWN

This way if it’s a disaster I can get back in time for “History’s Mysteries.” BECKY

Dawn, you are such a natural beauty. But because it’s such a special occasion, would you let me put just a tad of makeup on you and perhaps, pull that pony down – just for one night? DAWN

Well, it is important to make a good first impression. Jenna, may I ask you to make me your Meet Your Dream Chocolate Cream Pie to take to him? JENNA

I’ll make it really special, like my mama used to. Somethin’ where you wouldn’t think the ingredients would all go together, but they do. DAWN

What’s going to be in it? JENNA

I’m going to switch the chocolate from bittersweet to creamy milk, and add a touch of passion fruit. DAWN (gulping)

OH MY GOD! JENNA

 And then I’m gonna mix in somethin’ that will make the impossible possible. Some exotic spice that will make you see clearly before it’s too late – somethin’ – BECKY

What is goin’ on with you girl? ! Becky stares her down.

WAITRESS

45

JENNA (taking a deep breath)

You know that pie contest that’s comin’ to Springfield? BECKY

Yeah. JENNA

I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna figure out a way to save some money to go there and enter it. BECKY

Now that’s the first thing you’ve said that’s made any sense in a very long time. JENNA

 And if a miracle happens and I win it - I’m gonna take that prize money ! and! Becky watches compassionately as Jenna can barely get the words out. BECKY

You’re gonna leave Earl. Jenna nods. Hardly able to believe she’s admitting it. JENNA

Yeah and just run away from here. DAWN

Wow! BECKY

Honey you can leave Earl without running away from here. JENNA

It’s not that easy. BECKY

 Alright, go get yourself a little pie shop somewhere. Somewhere people could really use a little pie shop. Like Europe. Or New Jersey. DAWN

“Jenna’s Pie Palace” BECKY

“Jenna’s Pastry Heaven” DAWN

“Jenna’s Pie in the Sky” (Continue to song on next page ! )

WAITRESS

SONG #7: A SOFT PLACE TO LAND JENNA

SUGAR (Jenna begins to create the pie and the girls surround her, helping.)

SUGAR, BUTTER, FLOUR SOMETIMES I STILL SEE HER MY MOTHER THE DREAMER SHE’D SAY NOTHING’S IMPOSSIBLE CHILD ! JENNA/BECKY/DAWN

 A DREAM NEEDS BELIEVING TO TASTE LIKE THE REAL THING LIKE SOME STRANGER YOU RECOGNIZE SO PURE SO ELECTRIC SO SURE SO CONNECTED TO THOSE LITTLE BELIEVERS INSIDE MAY WE ALL BE SO LUCKY BUT DREAMS ARE ELUSIVE THE KIND WE’VE GOTTEN USED TO IS JENNA

NOTHING I CAN FEEL DAWN

NOTHING I CAN HOLD BECKY

NOTHING I CAN HAVE JENNA

NOTHING THAT I KNOW JENNA/ BECKY/ DAWN

DREAMS COME AND THEY GO JENNA

BUT HOLD THEM AND KEEP THEM BECKY/DAWN

BUT HOLD THEM AND KEEP THEM JENNA

 AND KNOW THAT YOU NEED THEM BECKY/DAWN

 AND KNOW THAT YOU NEED THEM

46

WAITRESS

47

JENNA

WHEN YOUR BREAKING POINT’S ALL THAT JENNA/BECKY/DAWN

YOU HAVE  A DREAM IS A SOFT PLACE TO LAND MAY WE ALL BE SO LUCKY ! (Continue to scene on next page ! )

WAITRESS

48

Jenna hands Dawn the finished pie. Becky holds out her compact and shows Dawn her reflection in the mirror. DAWN

Oh, look what you did. You made me almost pretty. JENNA

 Almost pretty? You’re beautiful. Cal comes into the pantry and takes in the scene. CAL

What the hell you put in that pie? I’m leaving before I die from Estrogen Asphyxiation! Don’t forget to turn out the lights! He puts on his motorcycle helmet, lowers the shield pointedly, and exits. Now Becky  puts on lipstick. JENNA

Who are you puttin’ on lipstick for? You dollin’ up for the diaper change? BECKY

Maybe I got a little secret. Maybe I’m doin’ a little dreamin’ too. DAWN

What?! BECKY

Can’t tell you yet. JENNA

Why not? BECKY

Bye bye, Dawn – don’t do anything I haven’t done. Get yourself a five-minute condom. DAWN

Becky! BECKY

 Adios, ladies. Dawn now turns to Jenna. DAWN

You are the queen of kindness and goodness. Dawn goes. Jenna, alone, makes a quiet wish.

WAITRESS JENNA

MAY WE ALL BE SO LUCKY END SONG UNDERSCORE: MONEY HIDING Jenna counts her tips and hides part of them behind her back. Now, the couch rolls in with Earl sitting on it. He stands up, holds out his hand, she gives him some cash and he exits. Jenna quickly stashes the rest in the couch cushion and sits down. The ensemble emerges from behind the couch and holds up two more cushions, encouraging her to stash more. She does. Earl returns and lies in her lap. The couch rolls off, Jenna’s secret in tact.

49

WAITRESS

50

ACT 1, SCENE 7: THE DINER The next morning, Dawn enters with her cart, sees OGIE, a charming, irresistible nerd, sitting at a table, and beelines towards the counter. Becky clocks this and approaches Ogie’s table. BECKY

Hey handsome, what’ll it be? OGIE

Oh no. No no no. I don't want you as my waitress. I want her. That lady right there. Becky turns and looks in the direction he's pointing. Dawn, watching, shakes her head "no" and pretends to be on the phone. BECKY

I'm sorry, hon. You're sitting in my station. OGIE

But I don't want you. I want her. BECKY

I do like a man who knows what he wants. OGIE

She a good friend of yours? What can you tell me about her? What are her likes and dislikes? Does she have any food allergies or pollen sensitivities? Cal takes the phone from Dawn, who ducks below the counter. BECKY

'Scuse me, darlin’. I'm gonna go talk to Dawn for a minute and see if she won't tell you herself. OGIE

That would be wonderful. BECKY

I thought you’d like that. Becky goes to get Dawn who’s now hidden behind the wall of menus she built.

Dawn! There’s a man at table 5 on a mission with your name on it – DAWN

His name is Ogie. Short for Oklahoma. He’s OKCwithaBullet! He’s an amateur magician, does competitive clog dancing, and only eats white food on Wednesdays! He said we were soul mates! I made the mistake of telling him I work here.

WAITRESS

51

JENNA

I don’t know Dawn, it sounds like he’s got potential. DAWN

He took me through the entire medical and psychiatric history of his whole family. BECKY

He’s layin it all on the table – DAWN

I just wanted a quiet first date. Stimulating conversation. First man who ever shows any interest in me and he turns out to be a mad, stalking elf! I'm telling you, Jenna, your magic love pie was too good! I never should have brought it with me. JENNA

I don’t think it was the pie, Dawn. I think it was you. DAWN

Come with me. JENNA

I would but I gotta go pee. Jenna runs to the bathroom. CAL

Is anyone taking the elf’s order?! BECKY

Shut up, Cal! That happens to be OKCwithaBullet! Cue DawnRising! (Dawn won’t move. Becky opens Dawn’s collar, whispering.)

Open it. Dawn swats Becky away and finally, awkwardly heads towards Ogie’s table, but thinks better of it and turns around, then rallies herself and heads back. DAWN

Hello good morning hello I told you I didn’t want to see you again may I take your order? OGIE

I’ll have an egg white omelet, with cottage cheese and a side of mayonnaise. I'm a very persistent man, Dawn. I know what I want. DAWN

What kind of toast with that? White or wheat? Why am I even asking? It’s Wednesday!

WAITRESS

52

OGIE

See? We already know each other so intimately! DAWN

You don’t know me. OGIE

Oh I do. You are NewDawnRising. Easily misunderstood. But I see your true beauty. Normally I wouldn’t do this – actually I’ve never done this. (He reveals a bouquet of flowers.)  But that five minutes felt like a whole fifteen and I am certain we are meant to be together. DAWN

I don’t even know you! OGIE

I’m a tax auditor. I drive a very nice subcompact Toyota Yaris and I love my mother. What else do you need to know about me? DAWN

Your dessert order. OGIE (Checking the specials board.)

I’ll have a slice of the White Knuckle Cream Pie – DAWN

With or without whipped cream? OGIE

You choose. I trust you implicitly. But if you choose whipped cream I would love it on the side, not touching the pie. DAWN

I hate it when it touches the pie— OGIE

Soggies the crust— DAWN

 And you can’t control the whipped cream— DAWN & OGIE

to pie ratio to create— OGIE

the perfect bite. Dawn laughs and snorts. She immediately represses it.

WAITRESS

53

OGIE (CONT’D)

That laugh. That intoxicating laugh. Dawn, you inspire poetry in me. Here’s one I’m making up right here on the spot: “All my life I’ve loved turtles.  And you Dawn are the queen. Da Da Da, Da Da Da !somethin’ in between.” Gotta work on that ending. (Holding out the flowers.) But you like that one, yeah? DAWN

Please just take your mixed bouquet and leave! Just leave! OGIE

Dawn(Continue to song on next page ! )

WAITRESS

54

SONG #8: NEVER GETTING RID OF ME OGIE

I WILL NEVER LET YOU LET ME LEAVE I PROMISE I’M NOT LYING GO AHEAD ASK ANYBODY WHO HAS SEEN ME TRYING I’M NOT GOING IF IT SEEMS LIKE I DID I’M PROBABLY WAITING OUTSIDE SUCH A STUBBORN MAN YOU’LL LIKELY NEVER MEET ANOTHER WHEN WE HAVE OUR FAMILY DINNER YOU CAN ASK MY MOTHER SHE’S THE BEST YOU’LL LEARN MORE ABOUT HER ON OUR FAMILY HISTORY TEST I’M GONNA DO THIS RIGHT SHOW YOU I’M NOT MOVING WHEREVER YOU GO I WON’T BE FAR TO FOLLOW OH – GONNA LOVE YOU SO YOU’LL LEARN WHAT I ALREADY KNOW I LOVE YOU MEANS YOU’RE NEVER EVER EVER GETTING RID OF ME OGIE

YOU CAN TRY, OH BUT I -LOVE YOU MEANS YOU’RE NEVER EVER EVER GETTING RID OF ME DAWN

Ready for your check? OGIE

Not yet! Pie for everybody! Ogie begins to clog dance. OGIE

I GREW UP AN ONLY CHILD IN A SUBURB OF THE CITY SPENT MY DAYS ALONE MY ONLY FRIEND WAS A STRAY KITTY CALLED SARDINE I THOUGHT IT WAS HILARIOUS TO CALL A CAT A KIND OF FISH SHE PLAYED HARD TO GET HISSING WHILE SHE SCRATCHED ME WHAT SHE WAS TRYING TO SAY WAS OGIE, COME AND CATCH ME I LEARNED QUICKLY PERSEVERANCE STOOD BETWEEN A CAT AND HER NEW BEST FRIEND ME!

CHORUS

SARDINE (ECHO) AH!

YEAH

WAITRESS

55

OGIE (CONT’D)

CHORUS (CONT’D)

OH, I’M GONNA DO THIS RIGHT SHOW YOU I’M NOT MOVING WHEREVER YOU GO I WON’T BE FAR TO FOLLOW OH, GONNA LOVE YOU SO YOU’LL LEARN WHAT I ALREADY KNOW

OH !RIGHT! HE’S NOT MOVING WHEREVER YOU GO HE WON’T BE FAR TO FOLLOW OH!

OGIE AND CHORUS

I LOVE YOU MEANS YOU’RE NEVER EVER EVER GETTING RID OF ME DAWN

When you say never ! OGIE

Shh! Ogie gathers the customers into a chorus. OGIE AND CHORUS

YOU CAN TRY, OH BUT I – CAL

I LOVE YOU MEANS BLAH BLAH BLAH YIPPITY YAP YAP Now get back to work! OGIE AND CHORUS ( à la Pavarotti)

OH, YOU CAN TRY OH BUT IOGIE

I LOVE YOU MEANS YOU’RE NEVER EVER EVER GETTING RID OF ME! The song ends. But Ogie doesn’t. OGIE AND CHORUS

YOU CAN TRY OH BUT I OGIE

LOVE YOU MEANS YOU’RE NEVER EVER EVER GETTING RID OF ME Ogie tosses the bouquet to Dawn who catches it. END SONG

WAITRESS

56

Ogie takes out his inhaler and takes two puffs. OGIE

So I’ll pick you up Sunday at 7? DAWN (despite herself)

Maybe? OGIE

Maybe! Maybe! There’s a reading at Rainard Park of the Federalist Papers. Dawn looks at him stunned, amazed. DAWN

How do you know about that? OGIE

I played Paul Revere in 42 Revolutionary War re-enactments. (Dawn drops the bouquet in shock.)

Well actually, 40 times technically I was the standby Revere, but 2 times Paul was out – so I did actually play it, although one of those times I got injured halfway through, I had a bayonet issue – fell off my horse and had to have my spleen removed. Dawn silences him. Then – dramatically – seductively – DAWN

“One if by land, two if by sea !” OGIE

“!and I on the opposite shore will be!” Ogie and Dawn lock eyes. It’s overpowering. He walks into the table. UNDERSCORE: REVOLUTIONARY WAR FLOURISH Ogie marches away dramatically then pivots emphatically, losing his balance. He rights himself and exits. Becky and Jenna are thrilled for them. BECKY

The elf and the turtle ! an epic romance. CUE: PIE MUSIC

WAITRESS

57

JENNA

“Almost Makes You Believe Again Pie.” Reach for an ingredient long forgotten in the back of your cupboard – like poppy seeds. (The ensemble hands her a poppy flower.)  Somethin’ you bought but forgot you had. Throw in gingersnaps (the ensemble snaps) and tapioca (the ensemble sprinkles sugar and Jenna tap dances)  ‘til they combine unexpectedly. Mix it with all your questions and concerns. (They spin Jenna, handing her a phone. The reverie ends – she begins a conversation.)

Yes, hello. Is Doctor Pomatter there? Jenna Hunterson. I’m his patient... Hi, Doctor Pomatter. Listen, I'm sure it's nothing, but you said to call if I ever had any questions or concerns. Well, this morning, I'm bleeding a little bit... No. No, it's very very light. Come in to see you? Tomorrow morning? You’re open at 7:00? Really? Well, OK then— Mid-sentence, Cal takes the phone from Jenna and barks into it. CAL

Excuse me, but I have to take a short stack of perfectly round, meticulously made, once warm, blueberry buttermilk pancakes to table 6 – (He hands Jenna the pancakes and points to a table.)

‘Cause even though I’m pregnant I’m workin! Those are my concerns any questions? Bye bye! Jenna turns back, realizing he knows she’s pregnant. She heads to her table chagrined. CUE: IT ONLY TAKES A TASTE TRANSITION

WAITRESS

58

ACT 1, SCENE 8: DR. POMATTER’S EXAM ROOM Jenna enters. JENNA

Hello? DOCTOR POMATTER

Hi. JENNA

Where is everybody? DOCTOR POMATTER

No one’s here yet. I came in a little early to see you. JENNA

Oh. Ok. (Long awkward pause. She pulls a bag of pocket pies out of her purse.)

Well, I brought you some Believe Again Poppy Seed Pocket Pies. DOCTOR POMATTER

Gosh. Thank you! (He marvels at the pies. She looks away shyly.)

So, when we spoke on the phone, you said the bleeding was very mild? JENNA

Yes. DOCTOR POMATTER

 And has it stopped? JENNA

Yeah. I only saw it the one time. DOCTOR POMATTER

Good. Then you’re fine. (He takes a bite of a Poppy Seed Pocket Pie.)

Oh my god! JENNA

Well, aren’t you going to examine me? DOCTOR POMATTER

Oh, no need. These are unbelievably delicious! Delicious is not even a good enough word for what they are. What you do with food is unearthly.

WAITRESS

59

JENNA

Thank you. Then am I okay? Nothing’s wrong with me? DOCTOR POMATTER

No. Nothing's wrong with you. Light spotting is a perfectly normal symptom in early pregnancy. (He takes another bite.) Holy shit. There's an uncomfortable beat. JENNA

Well, is that everything you have to say? DOCTOR POMATTER

Uh no!. JENNA

Well, what? DOCTOR POMATTER (attempting professionalism)

I! Nothing. You can go now. I'll see you at your next regularly scheduled appointment. Don't hesitate to call if you have any— JENNA

Questions or concerns. DOCTOR POMATTER

 Any and all. JENNA

Why'd you have me come all the way here if spotting is a perfectly normal symptom in early pregnancy? I had to get up early, take a bus, walk 5 blocks – just to hear that spotting is a perfectly normal symptom? DOCTOR POMATTER

I have no response to that. JENNA

 And what time does this office normally open, doctor? 8:30? DOCTOR POMATTER

9 o’clock. JENNA

9 o’clock. Hmm. You came here 2 hours early to tell me that spotting is a perfectly normal symptom in early pregnancy.

WAITRESS

DOCTOR POMATTER

Well, it seems that way. Yes. JENNA (heading to the door)

Goodbye, Doctor Pomatter. DOCTOR POMATTER

Goodbye, Jenna. JENNA (returning to him)

You know what, I think you're strange. I'm not sure I want you to be my doctor anymore. You make me uncomfortable. DOCTOR POMATTER

I'm sorry, Jenna. I'm really sorry. I won't do it anymore. Whatever it is I do. You shouldn't be uncomfortable during this time. JENNA

You're doing it again. DOCTOR POMATTER

How? What'd I do? JENNA

I don't know, you know, that nice guy talky thing you do. You just !aww, forget it. Jenna leaves in a huff. She re-enters the room. Doctor Pomatter holds out her purse. DOCTOR POMATTER

You forgot your — Jenna kisses Doctor Pomatter impulsively. He returns the kiss with full-out passion. Stunned by her own behavior, she grabs her purse and heads to the door. JENNA

Oh shit. Doctor Pomatter stops her at the door. DOCTOR POMATTER

Whoa whoa whoa wait! Jenna can’t look at him. They stand for a moment, awkwardly. JENNA

What do you want?

60

WAITRESS

61

DOCTOR POMATTER

I want to see you again. Talk to you. Somewhere outside of here. Can we have coffee together or something? JENNA

I can't have coffee. It's on the Bad Food List you gave me. What kind of doctor are you? (Continue to song on next page ! )

WAITRESS

SONG #9: BAD IDEA JENNA

IT’S A BAD IDEA ME AND YOU DOCTOR POMATTER

I know, I totally agree. BOTH

IT’S A BAD IDEA ME AND YOU DOCTOR POMATTER

I’VE NEVER KNOWN ANYTHING SO TRUE BOTH

IT’S A TERRIBLE IDEA ME AND YOU JENNA

YOU HAVE A WIFE DOCTOR POMATTER

YOU HAVE A HUSBAND JENNA

YOU’RE MY DOCTOR! DOCTOR POMATTER

YOU’VE GOT A BABY COMING BOTH

IT’S A BAD IDEA ME AND YOU LET’S JUST KEEP KISSING TILL WE COME TO HEART STOP RACING, LET’S FACE IT MAKING MISTAKES LIKE THIS WILL MAKE WORSE WHAT WAS  ALREADY PRETTY BAD MIND STOP RUNNING IT’S TIME WE JUST LET THIS THING GO IT WAS A PRETTY GOOD BAD IDEA WASN’T IT THOUGH IT’S A BAD IDEA ME AND YOU IT’S A BAD IDEA ME AND YOU HOLD ME CLOSE WHILE I THINK THIS THROUGH (Break)

YEAH IT’S A VERY POOR IDEA ME AND YOU

62

WAITRESS

63

BOTH

CHORUS

HEART STOP RACING, LET’S FACE IT MAKING MISTAKES LIKE THIS WILL MAKE WORSE WHAT WAS  ALREADY PRETTY BAD MIND STOP RUNNING ,IT’S TIME WE JUST LET THIS THING GO IT WAS A PRETTY GOOD BAD IDEA WASN’T IT THOUGH JENNA

DR. POMATTER

I KNOW WHAT’S RIGHT FOR ME IT’S THE ONLY THING I’VE NEVER DONE

I KNOW WHAT’S RIGHT FOR ME IT’S THE ONLY THING I’VE EVER DONE

AH!

CHORUS

DAH !..

JENNA AND DOCTOR POMATTER

WHAT IF I NEVER SEE MYSELF EVER BE ANYTHING MORE THAN WHAT I’VE ALREADY BECOME JENNA

CHORUS

I NEED A BAD IDEA I NEED A BAD IDEA

DAH DAH DAH DAH!(cont’d)

BOTH

CHORUS

I NEED A BAD IDEA I NEED A BAD IDEA JUST ONE

DAH DAH DAH DAH! (cont’d)

The band glides on with the ensemble, clapping in rhythmic encouragement. JENNA AND DOCTOR POMATTER

CHORUS

HEART KEEP RACING, LET’S MAKE MISTAKES AH! LET US SAY SO WHAT AND MAKE WORSE WHAT WAS ALREADY PRETTY BAD THIS SECRET IS SAFE, NO REASON TO THROW IT AWAY WHEN THERE’S LOVE TO BE HAD HOLD ME TIGHT AS I TELL MYSELF AH! THAT YOU MIGHT MAKE SENSE  AND MAKE GOOD WHAT HAS BEEN JUST SO BAD LET’S SEE THIS THROUGH IT’S A PRETTY GOOD BAD IDEA DOCTOR POMATTER

ME AND YOU JENNA

ME AND YOU. They fall back on the exam table in a passionate embrace. END OF ACT ONE

WAITRESS

64

ACT 2, SCENE 1: THE PANTRY CUE: PIE MUSIC Early morning, we find Jenna, lost in her pie reverie, at her pantry table. JENNA

“I Wanna Play Doctor With My Gynecologist Pie.” (The hands of the ensemble appear in blue doctor’s gloves from behind the pantry shelves. They hand her ingredients.)

Vanilla custard. Drizzled with warm melted caramel. Nuts. Totally nuts. Top with honey kissed whipped cream and banana. (They hand her a banana.)

Hold the banana. (The ensemble presents an alarm clock. It rings. She silences it.)

Wake the hell up. “I Can’t Have An Affair Because It’s Wrong and I Don’t Want Earl to Kill Me Pie.” Add cold water to chocolate stirrups (catching herself) I mean syrup. Pour into a truly flakey crust. Don’t over bake, could explode at any minute ! (The pantry disappears as she heads into the diner with a tray of pies, only to see Becky and Cal kissing passionately in the counter window.)

Oh my god! I didn’t see anything. I just need to find some place to throw up. Jenna drops the tray of pies. Becky comes out. Cal disappears into the kitchen. BECKY

Jenna, it just happened. JENNA

Cal?... Cal? BECKY

He’s got such nice strong hands... I wasn’t lookin’ for it, it was an accident. JENNA

 An affair is not an accident, dropping a tray is an accident. Cal didn’t just trip into your va-jay-jay! Cal enters sheepishly with a pie rack. He’s about to speak, searches for words, thinks better of it, and leaves, attempting to maintain a shred of dignity. BECKY

Hey c’mon I’m just having me a little adventure after years and years of lots of nothin’. It was gettin’ so quiet down there you could hear an echo. JENNA

What about your husband?

WAITRESS

65

BECKY

My husband wears pampers, curses constantly, and sleeps in a separate room. JENNA

Then why don't you just leave him Becky? BECKY

Because I love him! I wouldn’t leave him just because I have to change his diaper three times a day. What kind of person would do that? JENNA

What kinda person has an affair with Cal, who's married to Ethel? BECKY

Cal thinks she's gay. They haven’t slept together in 15 years. JENNA

Most married couples haven’t slept together in 15 years. But we know Ethel. She's not – well, she could be – but if he thinks she’s gay, why don’t they divorce? BECKY

Because he loves her! What kind of man would leave his wife just because she’s gay? JENNA

Well she— BECKY

Hey hey hey you're supposed to be my friend, not Ethel's! And I didn’t say nothin’ about your mornin’ visit to the doc when you came back with your dress on inside out ‘cause you were too busy puttin’ the pap back in smear. JENNA

That was one time and I was not in my right mind. I put the lid on it. BECKY

Of course you did. JENNA

What’s that supposed to mean. BECKY

Just go in your pantry Jenna – bake another Bury The Bullshit Pie. JENNA

You got me all figured out don’t you. You got everything all figured out. The world according to Becky— (Continue to song on next page ! )

WAITRESS

SONG #10: I DIDN’T PLAN IT BECKY

GO AHEAD AND THROW YOUR ROCKS AT ME FROM YOUR LITTLE GLASS HOUSE AND THEN TAKE OFF RUNNING YOU’RE NO BETTER THAN ME WE’VE BOTH MADE MISTAKES HAVEN’T WE? I WON’T UNDO WHAT I’M DOING TO SIT IN JUDGMENT OF WHAT MAKES US HUMAN I DON’T CLAIM TO BE PROUD BUT MY HEAD WON’T BE HUNG IN SHAME I DIDN’T PLAN IT BUT THE LIGHT TURNED RED AND I RAN IT  AND I’M STILL STANDING IT’S NOT WHAT I WANTED BUT NOW THAT IT’S RIGHT HERE I UNDERSTAND IT  A STORY WRITTEN BY MY OWN HAND IT’S LIFE BITING RIGHT AT YOUR HEELS I DIDN’T PLAN IT BUT IT’S FINALLY SOMETHING TO FEEL JENNA

I can’t go there. BECKY

Honey we’re already there. LOOK AROUND YOU AIN’T NO SAINTS HERE BABY WE’RE ALL JUST LOOKING FOR A LITTLE LESS CRAZY  AND SOMETIMES IT’S A HARD LEFT TURN DOWN A ROAD YOU NEVER THOUGHT YOU’D SEE I DIDN’T PLAN IT TAKING BACK WHAT’S BEEN TAKEN FOR GRANTED  AND I CAN’T STAND IT I’M SICK OF THE WAY I’VE BEEN WAITING TO BREAK FREE I NEEDED SAVING  AND A GOOD MISTAKE NEEDED MAKING MAYBE YOU NEED THE SAME THING SOMETHING TO FEEL TO RACE THROUGH YOUR BLOOD AND REMIND YOU YOU’RE HERE TO OPEN YOUR EYES AND LOOK AROUND  AND SEE THE SKY WHEN YOU’RE UNDERGROUND I DIDN’T PLAN IT BUT THAT’S LIFE  AND I’M FINALLY FEELING ALIVE

66

WAITRESS

BECKY (CONT’D)

IT’S NOT RIGHT BUT IT’S MINE  AND IT’S FINALLY SOMETHING TO FEEL END SONG Becky exits. The ensemble swirls around Jenna with pie choices – she debates, then chooses a berry pie. She heads to the Doctor’s Office, which materializes around her.

67

WAITRESS

68

ACT 2, SCENE 2: DOCTOR POMATTER’S OFFICE Jenna sits on the exam table. Doctor Pomatter enters. He attempts to be professional. DOCTOR POMATTER

Hello, Mrs. Hunterson. JENNA

Hello, Doctor Pomatter. DOCTOR POMATTER

How have you been feeling? JENNA

Fine. NURSE NORMA

Oh how nice, you brought a pie – What kind? JENNA

“A Little Wild, Wild Berry Pie” NURSE NORMA

Thank you, how thoughtful. Nurse Norma takes the pie and prepares to take Jenna’s blood. DOCTOR POMATTER

Nurse Norma, I’ll take Mrs. Hunterson’s blood, I need you to ! re-weigh Mrs. Morrissey. NURSE NORMA

But— DOCTOR POMATTER Please. Please. Please! It’s important – it’s crucial  – (yelling out) She’s coming Mrs. Morrissey,

don’t worry! Nurse Norma, exits with the pie, muttering under her breath. NURSE NORMA

I don’t know what the hell this man’s talkin’ about. He ain’t nothin’ but a country club doctor. DOCTOR POMATTER

Don’t do that again. JENNA

What? Bring a pie?

WAITRESS

69

DOCTOR POMATTER

No not that! Of course not that . I meant go away for a full month and not call me. JENNA

Well I didn’t have any questions or concerns— DOCTOR POMATTER

Don’t do that. JENNA

This is craziness, Doctor Pomatter. DOCTOR POMATTER

Please call me Jim. JENNA

No, I won’t. DOCTOR POMATTER

O.K. Don’t. Dr. Pomatter is fine. (An awkward silence.)

So I guess we’re officially forgetting everything that happened between us. JENNA

Yes. We officially are. DOCTOR POMATTER

I want to apologize for it. I almost called you, I mean, just to apologize. I want you to know that it will never happen again. From this point on, our relationship is strictly a medical, professional one. (Jenna nods, then grabs Doctor Pomatter and kisses him hard.) Jenna!No! (then) Not with the door open. He closes the door then rushes back to kiss Jenna. They fall backwards onto the table. The door opens, it’s Nurse Norma chomping on a piece of pie. They quickly sit up. Doctor Pomatter’s leg getting caught on the table. He attempts to remain professional. NURSE NORMA

Mrs. Morrissey still weighs 142 pounds. DOCTOR POMATTER

Thank you, Nurse Norma. So Mrs. Hunterson, you’re taking your pre-natal vitamins every day? JENNA

Faithfully.

WAITRESS

70

NURSE NORMA (soto)

Faithfully my ass. DOCTOR POMATTER

Good. I would like you to come back tomorrow. NURSE NORMA

Tomorrow? DOCTOR POMATTER

Yes. Are we on the same page now? JENNA

We’re on the same page. NURSE NORMA

We’re all on the same page. Nurse Norma exits. Jenna and Dr. Pomatter jump each other’s bones. (Continue to song on next page ! )

WAITRESS

SONG #11: BAD IDEA (REPRISE) DOCTOR POMATTER

HEARTS KEEP RACING JENNA

THERE’S NO MISTAKING DOCTOR POMATTER

WE CAN’T COME BACK FROM THIS JENNA

GOOD! ‘CAUSE I WANT MORE OF WHAT I HAD DOCTOR POMATTER

IT FEELS SO GOOD TO JENNA

FEELS SO GOOD DOCTOR POMATTER AND JENNA

TO BE BAD TO BE BAD Jenna, wearing the doctor coat now, pushes Doctor Pomatter onto the table. He reaches for the stirrups as she straddles him. DR. POMATTER

I’m very pleased with your progress, Mrs. Hunterson. JENNA

Thank you, doctor. (Jenna exits. Next day, Jenna returns, a new pie in hand.)

Pineapple Upside Down Pie. Jenna lies on the table and spreads her legs, the pie on her belly, he dives into it. DR. POMATTER

Your hormone levels are rising beautifully, Mrs. Hunterson. Jenna exits. Another day, Jenna returns, with yet another new pie in hand. JENNA

In the Dark Dark Chocolate Pie. Jenna flips the lights out, and she and the doctor go at it. Nurse Norma enters, flips on the lights. They hide in a clump on the floor. Norma sees the pie, looks around – the coast is clear. She takes it and exits.

71

WAITRESS

72

On the other side of the stage, the counter glides in with Becky and Cal on it, going at it. JENNA AND DOCTOR POMATTER

CHORUS

TAKE THIS BAD IDEA AND WALK THIS WIRE

AH !

BECKY AND CAL

THROW YOUR SPARK INTO OIL AND FIRE Now Dawn glides on in a Revolutionary War Dress sewing a flag. DAWN AND OGIE

CHORUS

CHANCE WON’T COME EVERY SINGLE DAY

AH!

Ogie pops up from under her dress. DAWN/OGIE/CAL/BECKY

SO DON’T THROW IT AWAY DAWN/OGIE/CAL/BECKY/JENNA/POMATTER

DON’T THROW IT AWAY

CHORUS

DON’T THROW IT AWAY

JENNA/ DAWN/ BECKY

CHORUS

WE MIGHT BURN BUT WE MIGHT GET SAVED I DON’T FEEL MUCH FIRE AT ALL THESE DAYS

AH !

POMATTER/OGIE/CAL

FEELS SO GOOD TO JENNA/DAWN/BECKY

FEELS SO GOOD JENNA/DAWN/BECKY/POMATTER/OGIE/CAL

TO BE BAD The ensemble is on stage now, with the song ending in a passionate embrace by all. END SONG UNDERSCORE: BAD IDEA REPRISE-PLAYOFF On the transition, Dawn and Ogie row across the stage à la Washington crossing the Delaware. Dawn uses her flag like a sail. OGIE

The British are coming! The British are coming! He kisses her passionately.

WAITRESS

73

ACT 2, SCENE 3: DINER Jenna heads towards Joe’s table with a spring in her step. JENNA

Hey Joe. How are ya? JOE

Same bastard as yesterday, Jenna. The question is how are you? JENNA

Same train wreck. JOE

 And how's the charming husband? JENNA

Charming as ever. JOE

Right. And the lipstick smudger? JENNA

What? JOE

You know!the dog on the side? The "affair." JENNA

I'm not having an “affair” affair. It’s just a – JOE

 An affair. (He hands her a napkin.) Your lipstick is all smudged like someone gave you a good one. When you’re done wiping away your indiscretions, wanna hear your horoscope? Jenna tries to wipe off the lipstick. JENNA

No. JOE (keeps reading)

 Aquarius. "Even if you have a miserable snake husband, you probably shouldn't be having no affair, ‘cause it’s beneath you and could make you seem like a common hussy. Not to mention the pain you could cause to other people.” Jenna gets quiet.

WAITRESS

74

JOE (CONT’D)

This afternoon I want the Singing Tuney Fish Casserole, no pickle on the plate. Well-done frenchie fries. On their own plate. And Jenna's Devil’s Food Oasis Pie. That’s the one that you should bake in that contest so you can win that money and leave your husband fair and square and smudge your lipstick with whomever the hell you want. JENNA

Joe!you really think that pie is good enough to win? JOE

That pie is a thing’a beauty! how each flavor opens itself, one by one, like a chapter in a book. First you get flooded with chocolate, dark and bittersweet like an old flame... and then strawberry, the way strawberry was always supposed to taste but never knew how... In fact, you know what? Forget all the other stuff I ordered. Just bring me the damn pie. Whattaya waiting for? She serves him his pie. JENNA

I don’t believe for one second that you’re as mean as you play. You tip me better than anyone. Jenna heads to the counter. Dawn pulls Jenna and Becky aside . DAWN

If you’re noticing I’m having a hard time walking today. Keep it between us. JENNA

This is really heating up. DAWN

He is so passionate. You wouldn’t know it to look at him but he is a sexual dynamo. BECKY

No, you wouldn’t know it ! DAWN

He is amorous yet clean and well organized! And when he recites his spontaneous poetry, well! I’m multi-orgasmic! I had no idea. CAL

You know, I didn’t either and believe me it’s something I did not need to know. Order up! BECKY

Perhaps you could take some pointers, Cal. CAL

Perhaps you could take this steamin’ slice of Twisted Kentucky Pecan Pie to table five.

WAITRESS

BECKY

I didn’t realize it was hot and ready! Becky heads to her table. CAL

Girl, it’s been hot all morning. UNDERSCORE: WESTERN FACEOFF II Becky pauses, stirred, then sashays a bit as she delivers her order. Ogie appears unannounced in Cal’s kitchen. Cal looks at him sideways. OGIE

Hey buddy. I'm just waitin' on Dawn. She’s meetin’ my mom tonight. Takin ‘em to Stanton Grove for steak dinner. It’s gettin’ serious. Real serious. CAL

C’mon man you got this. Breathe. Ogie pulls out his inhaler, takes a puff, and heads out of the kitchen. OGIE

Dawn Pinkett! DAWN

Ogie! He steps forward dramatically. OGIE

Every day I think of you, and think yes. DAWN

Oh he’s makin’ me a poem, right here. OGIE

We hold these truths to be self-evident. I am more than he who audits. Yes. I am poetry and sex and living a dream. Love. Yes, uh huh. Yes. DAWN (swooning)

Oh my God! Will you bus my tables so I can— BECKY AND JENNA

Yes!

75

WAITRESS

76

DAWN

Oh thank you. You know Jenna, I must admit I don’t really feel I understood the Declaration of Independence ‘til now, Life, Liberty— JENNA/ DAWN

and the Pursuit of Happiness— JENNA

Pie. CUE: PIE MUSIC The ensemble surrounds Jenna and lifts her and Doctor Pomatter, guiding them Chagall-like into a lover’s kiss. JENNA

Meld warm Golden Delicious Apples with free flowing brown sugar. Add cinnamon and allspice. Fold in cocoa chiffon until they merge perfectly. Top with peaks of everlasting Chantilly cream. Doctor Pomatter carries her gently to the exam table.

WAITRESS

77

ACT 2, SCENE 4: DR. POMATTER’S OFFICE Jenna, pie in hand, sits on the exam table, lost in her pie reverie, as Pomatter recedes. DOCTOR POMATTER

Mrs.— NURSE NORMA

Hunterson? JENNA

Dust gently with powdered sugar ! NURSE NORMA

Mrs. Hunterson? JENNA

Garnish with rose petals ! NURSE NORMA

Mrs. Hunterson! Doctor Pomatter and his wife had to fly back East for a funeral this morning. JENNA

He flew back east with his wife? NURSE NORMA

Yes. (She stares her down knowing full well what’s going on.)

So guess who’s gonna examine your cha-cha today? Me!... Just kiddin. You look like shit girl. You feelin OK? JENNA

Yeah. I’m fine I’m just – you know, the baby. NURSE NORMA

Of course. How’s it working out with Doctor Pomatter? JENNA

He’s very! professional. NURSE NORMA

Isn’t he? (knowingly) Such a lovely bedside manner. Is that pie for me? JENNA

I guess! NURSE NORMA

Looks so yummy. What kind is it?

WAITRESS

78

JENNA

The Pursuit of Happiness Pie. NURSE NORMA

We could all use a slice of that. (She puts a stethoscope on Jenna’s back, now on her stomach.)

Heartbeat strong and steady. Take a listen. She puts the stethoscope in Jenna’s ears. Jenna’s stunned as she, and we, hear the baby’s heartbeat. Jenna can’t bear to hear it and pulls the stethoscope out of her ears. Now alone, she touches her belly. JENNA

Dear Baby... UNDERSCORE: DEAR BABY

Let me begin by saying I'm sorry. Don’t take it personally, baby, if I don't seem like all the other mamas jumping all over themselves with joy. I wish I could feel excitement that you're with me now. Or faith that I’ll be a good mamas, even if my life is a mess and the world, as I see it, isn’t so pretty like they’d have you believe in that baby book. (She gets up off the table. The ensemble floats an apron in front of her. She puts it on, and is visibly more pregnant.)

I frankly don’t know what I got to give you, baby. (The pantry materializes around her.)

What if I don’t win that contest and don’t have no money and can’t leave Earl? What the hell am I gonna do with you then? (She reaches for her bowl and the flour.)

Some days I think I should just give you to some nice family who could give you what I can't. (She attempts to begin to bake, but for the first time can’t.)

I wish I could just run away. What kind of mama is that?

WAITRESS

79

ACT 2, SCENE 5: THE PANTRY Dr. Pomatter enters the pantry tentatively. DOCTOR POMATTER

Jenna. JENNA

What are you doin’ here? You can’t just come here. DOCTOR POMATTER

I had to see you. It’s been weeks. I can’t take it not knowing how you are. JENNA

Doctor Pomatter ! we have to end this. POMATTER

Why? JENNA

Because I’ve been thinkin’ a lot while you were away with your wife... and I can’t live with myself. DOCTOR POMATTER

I won't have a conversation about how crazy this is, how bad my judgment is, how sorry I am. I would be lying. JENNA

Don’t say anything else. Don’t talk me out of it. Just go. Torn, Doctor Pomatter turns away. Then – JENNA

I don’t know how to do this. I haven’t felt anything like this ! I haven’t felt in a very long time. Dr. Pomatter turns back to her – DOCTOR POMATTER

Neither have I – They grow quiet. JENNA

So what now? DOCTOR POMATTER

Maybe you could teach me how to make a pie !

WAITRESS JENNA

Seriously? DOCTOR POMATTER

Seriously. JENNA

Wow. I could do that. Sure !. DOCTOR POMATTER

I have something for you. A present. JENNA

For me? He hands Jenna a gift. She’s thrown. DR. POMATTER

Yes. For you. Open it. She hesitantly opens it. It’s a beautiful golden pie plate. JENNA

Oh my god. DOCTOR POMATTER

I had your name engraved on the back. JENNA

It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. DOCTOR POMATTER

It’s deep dish. Non-stick. Jenna is so moved she can barely find words . JENNA

Thank you!I have some gorgeous blackberries. DOCTOR POMATTER

I love blackberries. They begin to make a pie together. JENNA

We’re gonna make one my mama used to call “Lonely Chicago Pie.” She made hundreds of different kinds. They all had real strange names.

80

WAITRESS

81

DOCTOR POMATTER

Like mama like daughter ! INTRO: MAMA’S PIE SONG JENNA

She had such dreams for me. She’d be so sad to see how my life turned out. Maybe I’m talkin’ too much. DOCTOR POMATTER (compassionately)

No. JENNA

Mama used to keep me in the kitchen when daddy was in a mood. She’d teach me everything about baking... We’d sing this little song together – (sings)

LET’S MAKE A NEW ONE, MAMA WHAT DO YOU SAY? I LOVE IT WHEN YOU LET ME PICK OUT THE NAME SUGAR, AND BUTTER AND FLOUR, AND MOTHER Jenna looks up at him. JENNA

What the hell are you doin’ here. DOCTOR POMATTER

I’m learning how to make Lonely Chicago Pie. JENNA

No, I mean here. Livin’ in this town. DOCTOR POMATTER

My wife, she's doing her residency. We came here because of her. JENNA

 Are you happy with her? No, don't answer that. DOCTOR POMATTER

I’m not used to happy. I tend to be neurotic ! You calm me down. You make me feel peaceful– even needed! And you’re so beautiful. JENNA

I don’t know who you’re talkin’ about. (Continue to song on next page ! )

WAITRESS

82

SONG #12: YOU MATTER TO ME DOCTOR POMATTER

I COULD FIND THE WHOLE MEANING OF LIFE IN THOSE SAD EYES THEY’VE SEEN THINGS THAT YOU NEVER QUITE SAY BUT I HEAR COME OUT OF HIDING I’M RIGHT HERE BESIDE YOU  AND I’LL STAY THERE AS LONG AS YOU’LL LET ME BECAUSE YOU MATTER TO ME SIMPLE AND PLAIN AND NOT MUCH TO ASK FROM SOMEBODY YOU MATTER TO ME I PROMISE YOU DO YOU YOU MATTER TOO I PROMISE YOU DO YOU’LL SEE YOU MATTER TO ME JENNA

IT’S ADDICTIVE THE MINUTE YOU LET YOURSELF THINK THE THINGS THAT I SAY JUST MIGHT MATTER TO SOMEONE  ALL OF THIS TIME I’VE BEEN KEEPING MY MIND ON THE RUNNING AWAY  AND FOR THE FIRST TIME I THINK I’D CONSIDER THE STAY In the musical interlude, he holds her tenderly.

“Dear Baby. I hope someday somebody wants to hold you for 20 minutes straight. They don't pull away, they don't look at your face, they don't try to kiss you. All they do is wrap you up in their arms and hold on tight without an ounce of selfishness to it ! I hope you become addicted, Baby. I hope you become addicted to saying things and having them matter to someone.” BOTH

YOU MATTER TO ME SIMPLE AND PLAIN AND NOT MUCH TO ASK FROM SOMEBODY YOU MATTER TO ME JENNA

DOCTOR POMATTER

I PROMISE YOU DO YOU YOU MATTER TOO

COME OUT OF HIDING I’M RIGHT HERE BESIDE YOU  AS LONG AS YOU’LL HAVE ME I DO PROMISE YOU DO YOU MATTER TO ME

I PROMISE YOU DO YOU MATTER TO ME

BOTH

YOU’LL SEE YOU MATTER TO ME END SONG

WAITRESS

83

ACT 2, SCENE 6: THE DINER Dawn and Ogie, in wedding attire à la the Revolutionary War, enter and walk to a makeshift altar surrounded by their nearest and dearest. Cal is the best man and Becky the maid of honor. MINISTER

Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the union of Ogie Herbert Eincorn and Dawn Louise Pinkett— Ogie holds up his hand to shush her, handing the minister his/her hat. OGIE

Shhh!Wedding poetry happenin’ right here right now – (Continue to song on next page ! )

WAITRESS

84

SONG #13: I LOVE YOU LIKE A TABLE OGIE

YOUR WHITE DRESS SPARKS WORDS SPONTANEOUS I’LL SING FROM MOUNTAIN TOPS I AM IN LOVE (LOVE LOVE) AND I DON’T CARE WHO KNOWS IT He kisses Cal on the head, much to his chagrin. CAL

 Alright. OGIE

LUCKY ME I WAS ORDINARY BUT WITH YOUR LOVE YOU SEE I AM A POH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OEM WRITER I WILL EXPRESS THIS IF I AM ABLE I LOVE YOU LIKE A TABLE! MY LEGS WERE CARVED FOR YOU I LOVE YOU LIKE A TABLE I’M WOOD AND YOU ARE GLUE COVER ME WITH STUFF I WILL HOLD IT UP STRONG AND STABLE I LOVE YOU LIKE A TABLE

CHORUS

OH OH OH OH! AH ! OH OH OH OH! AH! OH OH OH OH! AH! OOH! AH!

DAWN

I LOVE YOU TOO  AND I WANTED TO TRY AND SURPRISE YOU I’VE WRITTEN 29 NEW DRAFTS OF VOWS THAT DIDN’T RHYME 30 WAS A DRUM LINE The women do a drum solo with wooden spoons on the counter, topped with a solo from Cal on the pans in the kitchen. Now the wedding continues, Cal and Becky the ring bearers. OGIE & DAWN

PROMISE TO AS BEST WE CAN SAY I DO AND TELL YOU THAT WHEN I SEE YOU I WANT TO AGAIN Ogie sweeps Dawn into his arms and kisses her. END SONG

CHORUS

OH OH OH OH AH! OH OH OH OH AH!

WAITRESS

85

Jenna wheels in a multi-tiered pie. Oohs and ahhs from everyone. Ogie’s overwhelmed. OGIE

Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! CAL

You’ve really outdone yourself Jenna. I’m bettin’ on you to win that contest next week. JENNA

Thanks for letting me go Cal. CAL

I’m not such a bad guy, maybe ! JENNA

You’re not such a bad guy, maybe! The music kicks in. Everyone dances. Cal and Jenna watch Ogie and Dawn. CAL

Look at ‘em. Happiest day of their lives. They got no idea the ride they’re in for. JENNA

!Cal can I ask you a question? CAL

Shoot. JENNA

 Are you happy? Would you call yourself a happy man? CAL

If you’re asking a serious question, I’ll tell you. I’m happy enough. I don’t give much, I don’t get much, but I do try to enjoy whatever comes up. That’s my truth, summed up for your feminine  judgment. I’m happy enough. Becky comes over. BECKY

May I have this dance? We think she’s going for Cal, as does Cal – CAL

Uh-huh. But Becky takes Jenna as her partner.

WAITRESS

86

BECKY

Uh-uh! Jenna and Becky dance, as Becky takes out some money from her cleavage. BECKY

I had some big spenders yesterday. Stash this in the pot – towards your entry fee – JENNA

Becky I can’t take your money with what you’re dealin’ with at homeBECKY

Just this once. Let me feel a little philanthropopical. I don’t want you worryin’ about nothin’ but bakin’ yourself a better life. When you win that contest, you think you’ll get one of those big giant checks that are the size of a door? I’ve always wondered how you cash those! JENNA

Maybe we should have an affair. BECKY

No ma’am. This ain’t no affair. I’m in it for life. Joe approaches and waves Becky away. JOE

Shoo shoo!... This reminds me of my third wedding to Sara-Marie Caputo. Now she was a screamer. JENNA

Joe! JOE

I was just trying to point out her good qualities. Oh man, she was nasty. JENNA

I’m gonna invent a special pie for you, called “Old Joe’s Horny Past Pie.” JOE

You should enter that one in the contest! Wake those old biddies up! JENNA

Maybe I’ll just bake it for you. JOE

It’ll have to wait. My doctor says I shouldn’t be eatin’ that sweet stuff. Liver actin’ up. Gotta have a piece of it removed. JENNA

Oh Joe!

WAITRESS

87

JOE

Last time I was in the hospital the nurse shot me in the ass with morphine and strapped me to a bed! Not too shabby!  ALT: Last time I was in the hospital the nurse strapped me to a bed, pulled my pants down and shot me in the ass ! Not too shabby ! JENNA

Not too shabby. He moves to dance with her. The ensemble dances behind them. INTRO: TAKE IT FROM AN OLD MAN JOE

You better promise me you’ll bake to win ! Pie-lady, you’re shakin. JENNA

I don’t know what I’m more scared of – losin’ or winnin’. Maybe I should just make peace with happy enough like my mama did. I don’t know Joe maybe it’s too late for me. (Continue to song on next page ! )

WAITRESS

88

SONG #14: TAKE IT FROM AN OLD MAN JOE

TAKE IT FROM AN OLD MAN TIME’S JUST SAND SLIPPING PAST WE WANT TO HOLD IT IN OUR HANDS BUT NO ONE EVER SEES WHAT FALLS THROUGH THE CRACKS TAKE IT FROM AN OLD MAN MY MISTAKES HAVE MADE ME  AND I AM WHAT I AM  AND THOUGH I DON’T BELIEVE IN SILVER LININGS

ENSEMBLE

OOH!

I BELIEVE THERE’S SOMETHING IN YOU SOMETHING GOOD IS TRYING TO BREAK THROUGH YOU MIGHT HAVE TO FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT  AND WHEN YOU THINK YOU CAN’T YOU CAN TAKE IT FROM AN OLD MAN

I BELIEVE IN YOU THROUGH YOU CAN

ENS 1

TAKE IT FROM AN OLD MAN THE DAYS DON’T STRETCH  ANY LONGER THEY’VE LEFT TRACKS UPON MY SKIN BUT I RECKON MADE ME STRONGER

OOH! OOH!

ENS2

TAKE IT FROM AN OLD MAN ENSEMBLE

THEY’VE LEFT TRACKS UPON MY SKIN OOH!

JOE AND ENSEMBLE

I BELIEVE THERE’S SOMETHING IN YOU SOMETHING YOU SHOULD BE SEEING TOO JOE

ENSEMBLE

BET IT ALL ON YOURSELF  AT LEAST ONE TIME CAUSE HONEY, WIN OR LOSE, IT’S ONE HELL OF A RIDE

BET IT ALL ON YOURSELF AT LEAST ONE TIME WIN OR LOSE IT’S ONE HELL OF A RIDE WOMAN

IT’S ONE HELL OF A RIDE JOE

 AND IF YOU LACK THE STRENGTH OF YOUR OWN HONEY HOLD OUT YOUR HAND, AND TAKE IT FROM AN OLD MAN

WAITRESS

89

END SONG

Jenna goes to hug Joe, who almost lets it happen. Earl walks in, feigning charm but barely masking an intense anger. EARL Excuse me, I’m gonna borrow my wife? (soto to Jenna, with contained fury)  Say your

goodbyes, we’re goin’ home. JOE

Who invited you? EARL

Have another piece of pie, old man! CAL

Hey come on. She stops him, speaking quietly . JENNA

Don’t. It’ll make it worse. EARL

Let’s go. DAWN

Jenna! Please stay— JENNA

I’m sorry – Bye sweetheart... BECKY

Don’t leave! JENNA

I love you! congratulations. Earl puts his arm around Jenna and leads her out. She can’t look anyone in the eye. The stage almost appears to close in around them as their living room materializes. Once no one is around, Earl grabs her arm aggressively, pushing her across their room.

WAITRESS

90

ACT 2, SCENE 7: EARL AND JENNA’S HOUSE On either side of the couch, Earl, smoldering, confronts Jenna. EARL

You must really think I’m stupid. JENNA

No... EARL

Unzip that cushion. JENNA

I don’t want to— EARL

Do it! (She picks up the cushion and slowly unzips it.)

What is that, Jenna? What is that? He pulls out a wad of cash. JENNA

Money. EARL

It's all over the fuckin’ house. In drawers, in cabinets, in the sofa. Money hidden all over my house. JENNA

I'm sorry. EARL

 After everything I've done for you, you go and hide money from me? I was the only one there for you when your mama died and your old man was piss drunk every night. Did you forget that?! Do I need this?! Do I need this right now?! He picks up his guitar and throws it on the floor. JENNA

Earl, stop! You love that guitar! But it’s too late - he stomps on the guitar, breaking it apart.

WAITRESS

EARL

You're the only thing I've ever loved. The only person ever belonged to me. You’re my wife. You’re my whole life...You havin’ a secret from me tears me apart. Why are you hidin’ money all over the house? Jenna faces him with a new resolve to speak the truth. JENNA

IEARL

Tell me you were gonna surprise me- tell me you were gonna buy me a present ! JENNA

Earl EARL

If I ever thought you weren't happy being my wife, that you were deceiving me, I would kill myself. I would. I would want to die. Just hold me. Jenna weakly puts her arms around Earl. He cries. He buries his face in her pregnant belly. Jenna steels herself. JENNA The truth is, Earl... Truth is... (She is about to tell him her truth then) I was saving that money

for the baby. To buy some nice things. A crib, toys... it was all for the baby. EARL

It was for the baby? JENNA

Yes Earl. For a crib. Earl stands, knowing as well as she that she’s lying but he accepts it. EARL

I don’t know why you gotta make it so hard Jenna. (He reaches for the money in the sofa and pockets it.)

I just want us to be happy. He heads to their bedroom. Jenna sits on the couch, shaken. UNDERSCORE: DEAR BABY JENNA

Dear Baby, if you ever wanna know the story of how we bought your crib, I will tell you. Your crib was bought with the money I was gonna use to buy us a new life. The Springfield Pie Contest is startin’ next week and you and I will not be in attendance.

91

WAITRESS

SONG #15: SHE USED TO BE MINE JENNA

IT’S NOT SIMPLE TO SAY THAT MOST DAYS I DON’T RECOGNIZE ME THAT THESE SHOES AND THIS APRON, THAT PLACE AND ITS PATRONS HAVE TAKEN MORE THAN I GAVE THEM. IT’S NOT EASY TO KNOW I’M NOT ANYTHING LIKE I USED TO BE ALTHOUGH IT’S TRUE I WAS NEVER ATTENTION’S SWEET CENTER I STILL REMEMBER THAT GIRL: SHE’S IMPERFECT BUT SHE TRIES SHE IS GOOD BUT SHE LIES SHE IS HARD ON HERSELF SHE IS BROKEN AND WON’T ASK FOR HELP SHE IS MESSY BUT SHE’S KIND SHE IS LONELY MOST OF THE TIME SHE IS ALL OF THIS MIXED UP AND BAKED IN A BEAUTIFUL PIE SHE IS GONE BUT SHE USED TO BE MINE. IT’S NOT WHAT I ASKED FOR. SOMETIMES LIFE JUST SLIPS IN THROUGH A BACK DOOR  AND CARVES OUT A PERSON AND MAKES YOU BELIEVE IT’S ALL TRUE  AND NOW I’VE GOT YOU  AND YOU’RE NOT WHAT I ASKED FOR, IF I’M HONEST I KNOW I WOULD GIVE IT ALL BACK FOR A CHANCE TO START OVER AND REWRITE AN ENDING OR TWO FOR THAT GIRL THAT I KNEW: WHO WAS RECKLESS JUST ENOUGH WHO GETS HURT BUT WHO LEARNS HOW TO TOUGHEN UP WHEN SHE’S BRUISED AND GETS USED BY A MAN WHO CAN’T LOVE  AND THEN SHE’LL GET STUCK  AND BE SCARED OF THE LIFE THAT’S INSIDE HER The house walls rise, revealing the sky behind her.

GETTING STRONGER EACH DAY TILL IT FINALLY REMINDS HER TO FIGHT JUST A LITTLE TO BRING BACK THE FIRE IN HER EYES THAT’S BEEN GONE, BUT IT USED TO BE MINE IT USED TO MINE SHE IS MESSY BUT SHE’S KIND SHE IS LONELY MOST OF THE TIME SHE IS ALL OF THIS MIXED UP AND BAKED IN A BEAUTIFUL PIE SHE IS GONE BUT SHE USED TO BE MINE. END SONG

92

WAITRESS

93

Jenna touches her stomach – the first contraction. She exhales a long breath. UNDERSCORE: CONTRACTION BALLET We hear that breath echoed by the women in the ensemble, who we reveal in pools of light – they mirror her gestures. The hospital materializes. We hear a soundscape of sighs, intensifying breathing, mixed with the rhythms of the hospital room – the heart monitor beeping, the baby’s heart.

WAITRESS

94

ACT 2, SCENE 8: THE HOSPITAL Jenna is in a hospital bed. Dr. Pomatter beside her. DOCTOR POMATTER

Jenna, everything’s going to be OK. JENNA

Just make it all go away. DOCTOR POMATTER

Try to focus on your breathing. I’m gonna be right here. JOE

Wheel me in.  A nurse wheels Joe in, who sits in a wheelchair. DOCTOR POMATTER

Excuse me. Do you belong here? JOE

Yes, I'm kin. JENNA

He sure is! Joe! You having your surgery today? JOE

Later this afternoon. Becky told me you were here. I bought you a card in that gift shop downstairs. It's silly and flowery and almost gave me Diabetes. Joe hands Jenna a pink envelope. JENNA

Thank you, Joe. JOE

Don’t look at it now; look at it later when all the fuss is over. Earl enters with snacks from the vending machine. EARL

Halftime in the lounge, Colts up 10 – what’s the ETA in here? (he nods to Joe) Earl - father to be. JOE

How could I forget you? Don't say nothin’ smart, you dumb ass. Wheel me out.

WAITRESS

95

Joe exits. Long awkward pause. Jenna looks to Earl on one side. Pomatter on the other. JENNA

Uh... Doctor Pomatter, this is my husband, Earl. NURSE NORMA

Oh Lordy. Nurse Norma exits. Doctor Pomatter unconsciously puts his hand on Jenna’s headboard. EARL (picking up his video camera )

Hey Doc do you mind gettin’ out of the way so I can get a shot of me and my wife on the big day. Much appreciated. Give me a kiss baby. (Jenna feels a contraction. Earl films it.)

Whoa!so dramatic! (Jenna tries to catch her breath.)

Babe you’re spittin’ on the lens. Earl moves to clean the lens. Jenna reaches for Doctor Pomatter. JENNA

Doctor Pomatter? DOCTOR POMATTER

Yes, Jenna? JENNA

I just want to make sure we're clear about one thing. DOCTOR POMATTER

What's that, Jenna? JENNA

I want drugs. I want massive amounts of drugs. I want the maximum legal limit of drugs. DOCTOR POMATTER

Noted and understood. Nurse Norma re-enters and motions for the residents to come in. One of them steps forward to Jenna. FRANCINE

Try and steady your breathing hon. Hi, I'm Francine Pomatter. Jim’s told me so much about you. Jenna and Pomatter turn to each other. Is this really happening? – It’s a reckoning.

WAITRESS

96

DOCTOR POMATTER

Did I tell you my wife is a resident here? JENNA

Yeah I think you mighta mentioned that. Jenna has a huge contraction. FRANCINE

Don’t worry you are in great hands with my husband. Jenna looks up mid-contraction. JENNA

Is she gonna be here the whole delivery? I mean, are all the residents gonna be here? DOCTOR POMATTER

No they were just here to observe the first stage of labor. Everybody out.  All the residents leave. Dawn and Becky enter. DAWN

Jenna! We’re here. Everything’s gonna be OK. BECKY

Oh my lord- the pie is comin’ out of the oven! Order fuckin’ up! The LIGHTS CHANGE and we enter Jenna’s surreal vision. She sees her mother enter and blow a cloud of flour into the air. Her mother repeats ritualized baking gestures on one side of the stage, Earl standing on the other. The PIE MUSIC accelerates and becomes more distorted, “Sugar, Butter Flour,” ‘til Jenna screams – JENNA

I don't want no baby Earl!  An oven timer DINGS. BLACKOUT. Silence. We hear a baby crying. DOCTOR POMATTER

It's a girl! EARL (disappointed)

 A girl? LIGHTS COME UP on Jenna, who turns away from her baby.

WAITRESS

97

NURSE

Would you like to hold your baby, Mrs. Hunterson? (Jenna doesn't respond.)

Mrs. Hunterson? Did you hear me? Are you ok? Mrs. Hunterson? JENNA

Give her to me. (Continue to song on next page ! )

WAITRESS

98

SONG #16: WHAT’S INSIDE (REPRISE) Nurse Norma hands the baby to Jenna. All the sounds in the room fade away as Jenna takes in her baby girl. JENNA

Oh my god...

ENS 1

OOH!. Oh my god!

OOH!. EARL

Now remember what I said – don’t you go lovin’ that baby more than me. JENNA

I don’t love you anymore Earl, I haven’t in a very long time, I want a divorce. EARL

That's not funny, Jenna. JENNA

No one’s laughin. I want you the hell out of my life. OOH! EARL

You’re never gonna leave me. JENNA

Watch me!

OOH!. EARL

You ain’t gonna do nothing! You better know your place! (Dr. Pomatter intervenes.)  Don’t touch me! Get your hands off me! (to Jenna) Man, you’re gonna regret this when you get home. JENNA

 And you’re gonna regret ever saying that, because if you ever come within 6 yards of us, I will flatten your sorry ass and I will enjoy doing it. Now get out before I call someone to carry you out.

ENS 2

SUGAR  AND BUTTER  AND FLOUR

OOH! OOH!

ENS 3

WHAT’S INSIDE ENS 2

 AND MOTHER

Earl takes this in and leaves with what’s left of his dignity. Jenna turns back to her baby.

WAITRESS

99

SONG #17: EVERYTHING CHANGES (PART I) JENNA

TODAY’S A DAY LIKE ANY OTHER BUT I AM CHANGED I AM A MOTHER OH IN AN INSTANT  AND WHO I WAS HAS DISAPPEARED IT DOESN’T MATTER NOW YOU’RE HERE SO INNOCENT I WAS LOST FOR YOU TO FIND  AND NOW I’M YOURS AND YOU ARE MINE TWO TINY HANDS, A PAIR OF EYES  AN UNSUNG MELODY IS MINE FOR SAFE-KEEPING  AND I WILL GUARD IT WITH MY LIFE I’D HANG THE MOON FOR IT TO SHINE ON HER SLEEPING STARTING HERE AND STARTING NOW I CAN FEEL THE HEART OF HOW BECKY/ DAWN/ JENNA

EVERYTHING CHANGES BECKY

You done did it girl. JENNA

Baby girl meet your God-mamas. I’m gonna call her Lulu. Little Lulu the love of my life. We’re gonna be happy, little girl. Not just happy enough. We’re gonna be really happy. Ogie pops his head in, covering his eyes. OGIE

Hello – is everyone decent? DAWN

Ogie, come here. Jenna, Ogie and I want you to know that you can stay with us for a while until you get on your feet. BECKY

You could stay with us, but I think Phil’s convulsions might frighten the baby. DAWN

Look Ogie – isn’t she beautiful? OGIE There are no words! but I’m double-parked. (hugging Dawn) I love you. I love you baby. (He heads out, coming face to face with Doctor Pomatter. Ogie hugs him too.)

I love you too.

WAITRESS

100

Ogie exits. Doctor Pomatter steps in. BECKY

Dawn, don’t we have business in the hallway? DAWN

No! BECKY

Dawn. Becky attempts to lead Dawn out of the room. Dawn stops and does a double take, looking between the doctor and Jenna as Becky pulls her out of the room. DOCTOR POMATTER

How are you two doin’? JENNA

You ever seen a baby this beautiful? DOCTOR POMATTER

Out of the 762 I have delivered, between us- she is definitely the most beautiful. (Jenna laughs. They admire the baby. It gets quiet.)

Nurse Norma, can you get Mrs. Hunterson her complimentary burp cloths. Nurse Norma exits, muttering under her breathNURSE NORMA

Maybe in Connecticut this flies. Lord have mercy.  A beat, thenDOCTOR POMATTER

I know what you’re thinking. No I don’t. That’s a lie. What are you thinking? They sit on the end of the bed together. JENNA

I’m thinking... I could never thank you enough for everything you’ve done for me. (He leans in to kiss her !she pulls away.)  And I’m thinkin’ your wife’s around. And you shouldn’t kiss me. The way she looks at you. So much trust! We could have a big drama here that gets drawn out for a couple of years, and makes everyone miserable, or we end it right here. No body count. DOCTOR POMATTER

So this is goodbye. Jenna nods.

WAITRESS

101

JENNA

I will never forget you. DOCTOR POMATTER

 Another lifetime. He stands up, but can barely bring himself to leave. They face each other on either side of the bed. JENNA

You deserve homemade but try telling that to a vending machine. (Jenna reaches for something by her bed – a Moonpie – the kind you get in a vending machine. She tosses it to him.)

Here: “Thanks For Taking Me To The Moon Moonpie.” He takes her in one last time and exits. Jenna looks at her baby with so much love. (Continue to song on next page ! )

WAITRESS

102

SONG #17a: EVERYTHING CHANGES (PART II) JENNA

I DIDN’T KNOW BUT NOW I SEE, SOMETIMES WHAT IS, IS MEANT TO BE YOU SAVED ME MY BLURRY LINES, MY MESSY LIFE COME INTO FOCUS AND IN TIME MAYBE I CAN HEAL AND I CAN BREATHE CAUSE I CAN FEEL MYSELF BELIEVE

COMPANY

OOH!

Dawn and Becky re-enter, and they all marvel at the baby. COMPANY

EVERYTHING CHANGES JENNA AND COMPANY

OH MY HEART’S AT THE WHEEL NOW JENNA

COMPANY

 AND ALL MY MISTAKES THEY MAKE SENSE WHEN I TURN THEM AROUND

AH!

JENNA AND COMPANY

EVERYTHING CHANGES The hospital walls rise to reveal the band and the sky behind them. JENNA

COMPANY

WHAT I THOUGHT WAS SO PERMANENT FADES IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE, THERE’S A NEW LIFE IN FRONT OF MY FACE  AND I KNOW IN DUE TIME EVERY RIGHT THING WILL FIND ITS RIGHT PLACE SO I SWEAR I’LL REMEMBER TO SAY WE WERE BOTH

AH! AH! IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE THERE’S A NEW LIFE IN FRONT OF MY FACE AND I KNOW IN DUE TIME EVERY RIGHT THING WILL FIND ITS RIGHT PLACE

JENNA AND COMPANY

BORN TODAY CAUSE EVERYTHING’S CHANGED JENNA/ BECKY/ DAWN

EVERYTHING CHANGES END SONG

WAITRESS

103

UNDERSCORE: JOE’S LETTER Jenna is now alone with her baby in her arms. A member of the ensemble swirls around Jenna and hands her a pink envelope: Joe’s card. Jenna opens it and reads— JENNA

“To my only friend. Start fresh. I’m leaving you the pie shop – Name a pie for me when I’m gone.”

CHORUS

OOH!

Jenna looks up, stunned. She senses Joe’s presence and turns around. Joe appears in a pool of light, an apparition. He tips his hat to her then shoos her away– as if to say, “Now get on with your life.” And then he’s gone. She realizes his spirit has  passed. INTRO: OPENING UP (FINALE) The diner tracks in.

WAITRESS

104

ACT 2, SCENE 9: THE DINER Cal and Ogie are counting boxes – pie orders. They move a large stack revealing fiveyear-old Lulu, who sits on the counter. CAL

OK little Lulu, we have an order for 16 Lulu Lemonade Pies, eight Polka Dot Peach and four Cocoa Cream – how many is that? LULU

 A lot! OGIE

 A lot! Let me get that down. Come here you little genius! Ogie picks up Lulu and performs a magic trick for her where a long wooden spoon disappears up his nose. He sneezes it out to her delight. Jenna enters with a pie, followed by Becky and Dawn. Dawn is pregnant. LULU

Hi Mama! Lulu runs to her Mama and jumps into her arms. And we end as we began – CAL

Jenna what’s the special pie today? JENNA

Old Joe’s Slice of Heaven Pie, with tomata’ on the side— JENNA/ BECKY/ DAWN

On its own plate! The music really kicks in. Jenna is handed a clipboard and we watch her run the business, her friends by her side, the unique village that is raising Lulu. (Continue to song on next page ! )

WAITRESS

105

SONG #18: OPENING UP (FINALE) JENNA/BECKY/DAWN/CAL/OGIE/ ENS 1

OPENING UP INTO A NEW DAY OPEN TO LOVE

ENS 2

OPEN A NEW DAY

ISN’T IT AMAZING WHAT COMES OUR WAY

OPEN TO LOVE ISN’T IT AMAZING WHAT COMES OUR WAY

ONE AT A TIME EVERYDAY FALLS IN LINE

ONE AT A TIME

LEARNING TO LOVE WHAT’S ON THE INSIDE

LEARNING TO LOVE WHAT’S ON THE INSIDE

LOOKING AROUND LOOKING AROUND AT THE SAME THINGS

 AT THE SAME THINGS Ogie and Lulu clog dance together.

 ALL OF THEM CHANGING CAUSE EVERYTHING DOES

ALL OF THEM CHANGING EVERYTHING DOES

LIFE’S REARRANGING LIFE’S REARRANGING AND WE’RE OPENING UP

 AND WE’RE OPENING UP TO WHAT’S INSIDE OF

WHAT’S INSIDE OF LOVE

LOVE

WHAT’S INSIDE? Lulu dances with her mom and then Jenna scoops her up into her arms. JENNA

SUGAR BUTTER FLOUR  A neon sign descends, it reads, “Lulu’s Pies.” Lulu kisses her mom and they look out together into their bright future. END SONG End of show. Let there be pie.