Volume 5, Issue 7

The Pittiful News

P I T T B U R G H ’ S M O N T H L Y S T U D E N T - U N I CO R N P R O D U C E D N E W S P A P E R

The Birds, The Frisbees WILLS BUTLER vice president PITTSBURGH, PA—After a winter that could only be described by the most epic of Robert Frost poems, we have once again hit the glorious days of Pittsburgh Spring. You can, of course, tell that it is Spring because every square inch of grass on campus is covered in Frisbee players. Now I’ve been at school for a few years now, and I was brought up around the truly magnificent college town of Allentown, so I know that it isn’t just a Pitt thing. Although after the embarrassment of our basketball season, I might start considering a Frisbee to the face pretty seriously; at least it would cause the audience some joy. But in all my travels, I have noticed that the second a thermometer creeps above 55 degrees, Cathedral lawn is coated in Frisbees. “Why is this?” my proverbial straw man might ask. Good question hypothetical person! All winter we are cooped up, be it in dorm rooms, in classrooms, or under four-to-five layers of clothing (with the exception being girls on their way to frat houses, they never wear any clothing). We are all itching to get outside again and limber up our atrophied muscles. One eye on the weather reports and the other playing “Temple Run” in a sad attempt to keep our thumbs strong. Here, however, we come to an issue. If we bring out a football, our noodly arms will fail to launch it more than a few feet. Soccer requires too much balance and for one leg to support all our weight at once, for some a daring feat at the best of times. Playing catch with a baseball? The 1950s are over, champ. Cricket works well, but what if you aren’t Indian? Spray tan can only accomplish so much! So, we land on the noble Frisbee. It requires no effort and even less skill to throw. The perfect play-thing for sandal-wearing college kids of all ages. The only downside is that passers-by might not be able to smell your hemp-shampoo! “Now,” you think “I suppose this is all wrapped up now? Being a straw man is hard work; I have to head over to an atheist forum again to be used for the umpteenth time against people whose very existence proves evolution wrong.” Calm down straw man! You’re not in Kansas anymore. This is only the tip of the iceberg of failure. You see, despite the fact that Frisbee requires no skill, and its very design makes throwing and catching a breeze, college kids across the country have another thread in common in that they really suck at it. Let’s play a game. Go outside right now. Chances are you’re a Frisbee throw away from either Soldiers and Sailors, or Cathedral Lawn. Watch the students who are

MARCH 30, 2012 V O LU M E 5 I S SU E 7

P I T T I F UL NEW S.C OM

UNITED NATIONS PISSED THAT THE DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC OF KOREA ISN’T EVEN DEMOCRATIC JOHN MEYER senior writer NEW YORK, NY – Delegates at the United Nations headquarters were totally pissed to find out that the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (North Korea) is actually ruled under a brutal totalitarian dictatorship. The startling allegation that North Korea isn’t democratic came from the James K. Polk Elementary student Rebecca Boyd, who on F R IS BEE TO S S . Tuesday presented a report on North Korea to the Because you’re not too great at all those “real sports” UN during the organization’s annual ‘Bring your child to work day.’ In her report, Boyd cites instances of the North Korean government’s intense represinevitably playing Frisbee there. Out of ten throws, how sion, such as the diverting of international aid and the inmany are dropped? How many are thrown at 45 degree ternment of more than 150,000 citizens in concentration angles causing the Frisbee to fall back at the feet of the camps. thrower? And how many times do you see a “Bro” try to Despite Boyd’s startling facts, most of the atcomplete a trick-throw and fail miserably? tendees were skeptical about the report. Immediately folUpon publication, I have not yet determined lowing the presentation, the American delegate Clark Philthe exact cause of this phenomenon. For us here at Pitt I lips gave his impression: “I guess it’s an interesting charge, have narrowed it down to three possibilities: It might be but I’m pretty comfortable putting that one on the backthe atrophied muscles. It might be the pain of having a burner for a while. I mean, it says on the map they’re a basketball team composed of the only black people who people’s democratic republic. They’ll be fine.” can’t shoot hoops. Or indeed, it might be the acute psyDespite stirring few waves at the UN, the report chological damage received just from knowing that of quickly found an audience in the online world. In only 24 all sports, we are best at having an over-muscled guy in hours, a YouTube video detailing Boyd’s main allegations spandex roll around with other guys. received two and a half million views. The video received Welcome to a world where our Quidditch team further attention on national television, and the subsequent is more respected and higher ranked than our football hype came back to the UN. team. Where HvZ players have more strategy and tacti“Based on all the media coverage we decided we cal knowhow than Tino. Welcome to…a school with would do an investigation as a kind of formality,” said Barsupposed Division I status. *Sigh*, maybe it is time to bara Weimar, the senior investigator of the case. “Well give that Frisbee a good toss. believe it or not, it turns out that country’s been horrendous Whether you have gained or lost a freshman for years. This one guy, Kim Jong-il, had people worshipfifty over these winter months, whether you wear sanping him as a god. Plus they have a way underfed populadals, crocs, or chucks; whether you think the perfortion and they’ve even got a few concentration camps. Now mance of our football team was more embarrassing than who would have expected that?” our basketball team or vice versa; whether you are white The report wasn’t surprising to everyone, howevwith dreadlocks, or black with a flat-top and knee-high er. “Giving yourself a really democratic-sounding name is socks, or even if you “used to play Frisbee Golf all the one of the oldest tricks in the book,” cackled the resurrecttime back in High School!”, I look forward to watching ed corpse of Joseph Stalin. “Seriously, it still works today. you all sadly toss a round white disk from mud puddle ‘People’s Republic of China;’ ‘Democratic Republic of the to mud puddle. Congo.’ People see the name and assume everything’s Please note: This does not include Ultimate peachy. Shit’s easy money.” Frisbee Players. You guys are hard-fucking-core.

THE PITTIFUL NEWS

MARCH 30, 2012

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SANDRA FLUKE SEX TAPE SURFACES

MISSOURI ADDS NEW BUSTS TO STATE HALL

MIKE CITROLA senior writer

SOPHIA TABORSKI senior writer

When Sandra Fluke spoke before a congressional hearing discussing birth control, the majority of the rational public was under the impression that she valued the medication for more than just its contraceptive purposes. Her argument in support of coverage for the drug included stories of women who faced financial misfortunes and medical afflictions because they could not afford the expensive birth control that their private insurance policies would not cover. Fluke’s statement did not, however, handle the controversial idea of using contraception for the sake of contraceiving. This may be why her new sex tape is gaining popularity so rapidly. Footage of Fluke’s sexual promiscuity emerged yesterday and is seemingly an intentional response to Rush Limbaugh’s request for Fluke to release videos of the activities that would require that she use the pill. The 13-minute video titled “Fluke Me Bitches!” presents the Georgetown student with a white male who looks sort of like Patton Oswalt and begins with this introduction from Fluke: “Hey Rush, it’s Sandy. Ya got me! [laughter] Yea, the stuff I said at that congressional thing was pretty much all bullshit. Like, I don’t know what an ovarian cyst even is. Sounds gross. Anyhoo, I figured I’d give you this little teaser to show you what’s to come if you suckers start paying for mah B.C. I found this bozo outside of a Walgreens and we’re about to bang for you guys, raw dog!” Fluke has yet to make a formal statement about her involvement with this tape.

JEFFERSON CITY, MISSOURI – In light of the recent outpouring of ringing endorsement for the proposed bust of Rush Limbaugh in the Hall of Famous Missourians in the Missouri Capital Building, Speaker of the Missouri House of Representatives Steven Tilley announced several new inductees to be added next fall. Next to busts of George Washington Carver, Walt Disney, Harry Truman, and Sacagawea will be not only Rush Limbaugh, but outlaw Jesse James; Lucas Grabeel of High School Musical fame; Kimberly Wyatt, singer of the Pussycat Dolls; Tiffany Springold, a 12 year-old who posted “KONY 2012” as her Facebook status; Kelsey Henke, editor-in-chief of the Pittiful News; and James Earl Ray, the assassinator of Martin Luther King Jr. “It’s the Hall of Famous Missourians,” explains Tilley. “Not the Hall of Universally Loved Missourians. If that were the case, why would Laura Ingalls Wilder be featured? Little House on the Prairie destroyed my childhood. My kindergarten girlfriend modeled herself after Nellie Olson. She even wore the same dresses and ribbons described in the book! And she was cut-throat, coldhearted, you-name-it-but-can’t-print-it; that was her. She dumped me in front of the entire class, and I spiraled into a deep, deep depression.” The terrors of Laura Ingalls and friends aside, some question the validity of the new inductees, especially given the Hall’s previous track record. “Rush Limbaugh is the epitome of the type of person Missouri should honor,” gushes Missouri native Stewart Pid. “He is so openminded, intelligent, and quite attractive. His handling of the Sandra Fluke incident shows just how much he cares about women, and he’s never made any sort of racially

GETTING AROUND TOWN: A GUIDE MARCIN DRUZDSEL, illustrations by LACY PINYOT

BICYCLE

Hey Pitt students! Summer is around the corner, so here is a handy chart for all the best ways to get around in the warm weather.

PROS

CONS

RAIN

COMPLAINTS

WORST WIPEOUT

WHAT PEOPLE THINK

Fast, cheap, & you can ride on sidewalks or roads.

Your loins will never love you again.

Have fun cleaning the back of your clothes.

Fixie: Not having gears. Gears: Not being a fixie.

Over the handlebars. Hope you wore a helmet!

Hipster or hippie?

Got goggles to go with your cute little helmet?

Where to park something that is neither road-nor sidewalk-worthy.

Colliding with something driven by someone with self-esteem.

You’re twelve years old.

It’s not a snow day?

Being twelve years old.

Nothing you can’t brag to the 7th grade girls about!

You are twelve.

Brakes? What brakes?

Enjoy disassembling the board into its component parts to clean it.

People telling you to do tricks.

Your board just flew through traffic and your skull needs staples.

They’re just watching you, waiting for you to eat shit.

Hope you brought normal shoes with you and something to wear over your jorts.

Your jorts are perfect for rainy weather!

You probably weren’t paying attention to potholes & cracks because some guys are jogging shirtless.

Nice jorts!

It’s not a Harley.

VESPA

RAZOR SCOOTER

You’re the coolest twelveyear-old on the block.

LONGBOARD

Perfect stoner transport.

ROLLERBLADES

inappropriate song about Barack Obama. He just speaks the honest, unbiased truth all day.” Indeed, other nominees are proving to be, understandably, more problematic than the esteemed talk-show host. “There is some contention over the induction of James Earl Ray into the Hall,” explains Missouri State Representative Ray Cyst (R). “Technically, he wasn’t born in Missouri, as were all the other Famous Missourians; he just escaped from the Missouri State Penitentiary in 1967 by hiding in a bread truck before assassinating Martin Luther King Jr. the following year. I hope such a small technicality doesn’t deny Ray the bust and spotlight he deserves.” Fox News correspondents, however, are less concerned about technicalities surrounding the murderer of Martin Luther King Jr. than the prospect of Lucas Grabeel being immortalized for Missouri prosperity. “He’s a f***** and if he’s going to have a bust in the Hall of Famous Missourians, we’d better get a complimentary pair of fuchsia leather assless chaps,” rants Glenn Beck as he angrily scribbles a flow chart of the effects of homosexuals on his chalk board, culminating in America drowning in a Progressive Pit of PostApocalyptic Pain© while being devoured by a Nazi Kraken. “And to place him on the same level with Rush Limbaugh is, quite frankly, an abomination. And do you know where that word came from? Obama. He’s using gays, Chevy Volts, Obamacare, and healthy options at McDonalds to cripple the nation so we can be taken over by his Muslim extremist family.” Joe Biden has spoken out against the induction of Kimberly Wyatt, the former Pussycat Doll. “The Spice Girls were by far the superior group. So what if none of them were born in Mizzoni? We should have busts of them. Wait, not just busts, but full statues! And blast ‘Wannabe!’” The only inductee to be fully endorsed was Kelsey Henke, Pittiful News Editor-in-Chief. In fact, the notably passed-over Missouri native and Top 40 rapper Nelly expressed his wish to someday be featured with Henke. “I was thinking about her, thinking about me, thinking about us, who we gonna be? Turned around it was only Just a Dream,” he explained in an interview with the Pittiful News.

You can dress as flamboyantly as you want! Where did you stash those jorts?

Coming out of the closet.

You probably don’t care, since you spent money on a Vespa.

THE PITTIFUL NEWS

MARCH 30, 2012

GROWING CONCERN FROM MIDDLE EASTERNERS OVER AMERICAN EXTREMISM ZACH ALCORN senior writer A new study by the Pew Research Center reveals a growing concern among Middle Eastern states about the rise of religious extremism in American politics. Citizens of Iran were particularly frightened, with 42% of those surveyed responding that they are “scared shitless” by the resurgence of fundamentalist values in the United States. Other responses included “baffled” (31%), “dismayed” (16%), and “freaked the f*ck out” (11%). The sentiment seems to be a reflection of the drawnout Republican primary, where candidates have made social issues a centerpiece of their campaigns. Issues such as abortion and birth control have returned to the national stage as candidates set out to prove which of them is fulfilling his moral obligation to hate women the most. These ideas stand in rather stark contrast to Iran, where women can receive subsidized birth control as a part of the basic health care rights outlined in the Iranian constitution.

YOUTUBE HATE KILLS: THE DISTURBING REALITY VARUN VISWANATHAN staff writer Researchers have recently discovered a new psychological disorder known as YouTube-Hate-Related Stress Disorder, YHRSD, for short. It leads to the chronic need to search as many YouTube videos as possible in order to like them, comment positively on them, and add them to one’s favorites. These patients feel that saving YouTube from the evils of YouTube haters is their duty to prevent the world’s demise. One severe case involved a patient who was so addicted to YouTube that he forgot to check Facebook or update his twitter page for over a month- a disaster waiting to happen. We must not stand complacent while these cruel YouTube haters sentence these patients to lives of total YouTube addiction! It truly is sad to see these haters write bad comments on classic videos like “Charlie Bit Me”, “The Annoying Orange”, and “Jake and Amir”. In the words of Ron Paul, “…Seriously, what has the world come to?” Abused YouTubers worldwide have come to a general consensus that YouTube should remove the dislike button and should utilize the new Microsoft software that magically converts bad comments into really cheesy, good comments. Unfortunately they are having some delays due to the software’s chronic need to fail to function, shut down, and request the sending of the much hated error report. According to the world-renowned psychologist, Dr. Phil, the only cure for YHRSD is to force all patients with YHRSD to appear on his show. In his own words, “My show is the bomb and it has the promise to change people’s lives!” Although the lives he was referring to were most likely only his fans: his mom, his pet hamster, and Oprah. Medical pro-

R IC K S A NTOR UM And then God said to Rick, “You look like a babe in those sweater vests” fessionals have agreed to allow Dr. Phil to carry out his revolutionary treatment method, even if he most likely doesn’t have a real medical degree. They assume that appearing on the Dr. Phil show will drive these patients so insane that YouTube hate will be the least of their worries. Rumor has it that YouTube haters are all part of a major terrorist plot to drive everyone in the world crazy. The CIA and FBI were planning to look into this issue but they were otherwise occupied watching lame YouTube videos and having the time of their lives. Tragically, in the hunt for YouTube haters, employees of these government agencies have, themselves, been taken by this vile disease. Meanwhile members of this unnamed alleged terrorist organization remain elusive and are most likely scouring YouTube for more helpless YouTubers to hate on at this very moment. My advice to people reading this article: Run away before the world is overrun by crazy YHRSDinfected zombies. I would suggest leaving the earth and creating a distant space colony so that YouTube haters and zombies will never find you. If you do not happen to own your own personal spacecraft, here are some alternatives:  Go to some desert in the middle of Arizona or Nevada and find one of those U.F.O.’s that people seem to keep spotting (I’m sure one of those nice aliens will be happy to let you hitchhike a ride to some distant planet)  Take a ride on a weather balloon  Go to Iran and ride a newly developed nuclear missile into space  Latch yourself onto a satellite, although there is the risk of messing up TV broadcasting, with disastrous consequences (make sure not to do this during an episode of the Jersey Shore unless you want to be The Situation’s next situation)  Talk to Newt Gingrich, I’m sure he can enlighten you on this subject

3 “Santorum scares me the most, because I think he absolutely believes everything that comes out of his own mouth,” said Mohammed Muhammad Mohamed, a plumber from the northern Iranian city of Bojnord. “I mean, at least Romney seems smart enough to just be pandering. Then again, he believes that wearing special underwear will get him his own planet. Screw it all.” Mohamed’s view is part of a larger worry among Iranians that if elected, a Republican candidate would want to engage in a holy war. “The last time they pulled this, it did not end well. Or have they already forgotten about the Crusades?” wondered an Iranian woman who asked to remain anonymous. Actually, it appears they have. “The idea that the Crusades and the fight of Christendom against Islam is somehow an aggression on our part is absolutely anti-historical,” renowned historian Rick Santorum recently said. He continued by saying that when the United States bombs Iran to hell under his presidency, it will also not be an act of aggression. One issue where Americans and Iranians seem to still agree is on the issue of homosexuality. Because in spite of impending economic, ecological, and geopolitical collapse, everyone can take some time to hate on the gays.

Brief with the Chief KELSEY HENKE editor-in-chief

STUDENTS REQUEST MORE BOMB THREATS PITTSBURGH, PA – Since March 14th, the Cathedral of Learning has been the subject of three bomb threats, prompting outcry from students and faculty who are annoyed and confused. While students with classes in the Cathedral delight in trips outside and continual terror, others wonder why their buildings are not being targeted for attack. When interviewed about the threats, one studio arts major admits he was also confused about the potential bombers choice: “Why should the Cathedral of Learning get all the bomb threats? Frick Fine Arts is just as cute as the Cathedral, right? Frick is just as smart as the Cathedral, and when did it become okay for one building to get all the bomb threats because that’s not what threat writing is about.” Residents of Towers A, B and C complained that despite the building’s height, high number of occupants and notoriously good looks, the towers were not the subject of any bombs threats. Those who have seen the Towers from the outside expressed significantly less surprise.

THE PITTIFUL NEWS

WRONGFUL BIRTH MIRACLE SAMANTHA PROCTOR senior writer

MARCH 30, 2012

ASK THE

HYPOCHONDRIAC: SPRINGTIME EDITION STEVEN BOYD staff writer

ARIZONA—Recently, the Arizona Senate passed a brilliant piece of legislation allowing doctors the right to withhold any information from pregnant patients that could lead Ah, spring! The freshness, the fullness, the fearfulness. As to an abortion. This new bill really represents the state, you well know, with a new season comes a new set of known for its wild elephants and strong dislike for the gays freakish health concerns in this month’s, “Ask the Hypo(but not as much as their dislike for immigrants). We all chondriac”. In this very special column, I provide an unknow that this law encompasses God’s goals for us and it’s conventional perspective on the various health issues of really about time those pesky Democrats were squashed the day. I’ll cover topics ranging from the best ways to (heh, they’d probably argue that it’s unconstitutional to avoid the sniffles this allergy season to the most effective withhold this information or something!). emergency treatments for the varied airborne viruses floatWith this new bill we have already witnessed a ing in the air you breathe right this very moment. This miracle! Dee Snutz and Jonathon Snutz just had a beautiful column will make you think; this column will make you baby boy thanks to their doctor, Chris Szell. If the new legreconsider; this column will make you grow more and islation hadn’t been passed, Dr. Szell would have likely more despairing towards your unavoidable mortality. Just been arrested for withholding information about the termiremember, a better you is a healthier you. And a healthier nal pregnancy from the young couple, but with a few days you is a more ‘stay inside and play disinfected board to spare, the bill was passed and baby Snutz was born. Baby games with your vigilant home nurse while wearing a Snutz wasn’t named surgical mask’ because he only lived you. It’s just like for 45 minutes; this my great grandtragedy was due to the daddy once said fact that he was born before he perwithout a head, a birth ished from hysdefect that Dr. Szell had terical night ternoticed early on. Most rors, “You have babies born without a to be careful. head don’t live long The toaster rablives; however, Dr. bits may seem Szell knew that with friendly, but unGod’s will nothing is der the right cirimpossible. Well, this cumstances, one happened to be imthey’ll eat you possible, but at least alive”. I never The Snutz and Szell had understood what an offering for our sahe meant but it cred Lord. The death of was how he said baby Snutz was precedit that was imed by the death of Dee portant. With Snutz, who died in lathat in mind, bor, another thing Szell let’s take a look at B LOO M ING T REES could have predicted; I the questions of the They look pretty until you realize they’ve given you an STD think it’s reasonable to say month. that he withheld this detail in order to prevent a murder, seeing as some people would From Local Peg-Legged Tap Dancer and All-Around Fun consider an abortion if they knew childbirth could lead to Guy to Trip, Click-Clack McStumblinfeet their own death. Q: Flowers. They look so beautiful, but which ones can We spoke to the father/widower on Saturday and kill me when I least expect it? he was very understanding of what happened, saying that it was the Good Lord’s way: “Why! Why would he be so A: Great question, Click. The best answer is simply: we heartless, that Nazi bastard! We aren’t even Christian, we’re never can tell. Flowers tend to appear – just as you said – pro-choice! Szell, you have made my life a living hell, beautiful and friendly, but some of them are sure to be you’ve taken away everything I love in the world. I have no filled with deadly toxins. One time as a child, I fell headreason to live! You will regret this! The worst payment that first down eight flights of concrete stairs and landed my I could possibly give you, I will, and you won’t know when precious noggin in the local “Springtime Jamboree Petuit’s coming and where, and how, and what, because I have nia Patch”. Since then, I’ve been suffering from shortthe right to withhold that information too!” term memory loss, auditory hallucinations, and short-term Keep up the good work Arizona! This is just a memory loss. I don’t have health insurance, but I do have small obstacle on your long journey to Heaven. gut assurance that all of my physiological problems stem

4

from this flowery fall. My best advice is to always wear a helmet and never go outside. Why put yourself at risk when you can just play “Risk” in a hyperbaric basement surrounded by imaginary friends, nonperishable dietary supplements, and sterile teddy bears? From Asthmatic Wasp Keeper and Native American Stereotype Enthusiast, “Wheezes with Bees” Q: The other day I spilled some soda onto my anti-sting gloves. That very same afternoon, my wasps swarmed in an irregular pattern and began to come after me! I had to run away quickly and I felt like I was breathing harder after my mad dash back inside. Also, later that evening, my urine was yellow. These things are all very frightening. Should I be concerned? A: Yes. Check the internet for specifics as to your conditions but from what I can tell about your personal story here, I would assume you’ve inherited the bubonic plague. I know what you’re saying, “The bubonic plague? That’s impossible!” No it’s not and I have proof evidence a hunch a computer a library card medicine that makes me see things. The bubonic plague often causes shortness of breath and may lead to urine color changes as the demon Mephistopheles throws your body out of homeostasis. To treat your black death, I suggest the medieval practice referred to as “lancing the buboes”. To complete the treatment effectively, you must cut open all of the swollen areas so the disease spirits can leave the body. You’ll probably want to have a priest nearby (Catholic preferably. Protestants tend to believe in concepts like “dehydration” and “fatigue”. Both of these words sound very scientific but so long as the Sun continues its movement around the Earth, I’m not convinced). However, even after those wicked devils have left the wounds, you’ll need to gather roots from white lilies, tree resin, and - most importantly – pick up some dried human excrement. Your job is to mix these three ingredients into a crusty powder and sprinkle it directly upon your sores. You will smell like a Bed, Bath, and Bodyworks covered in diarrhea, but you will boost your survival chances high enough to feel comfortable with the heinous odors and social isolation. Please keep in mind that more questions are to come. Unfortunately, my internal oxygen monitor informs me that I need another sixty hours inside my iron lung. Stay healthy and stay watchful! CONTRIBUTING STAFF Kelsey Henke Editor-In-Chief

Wills Butler Vice President

Jackie Geleta Business Manager

John Lee Content Editor

Sophia Taborski Senior Writer Steven Boyd Senior Writer Samantha Proctor Senior Writer Rory Coble Senior Writer Lacy Pinyot Senior Illustrator John Meyer Senior Writer Zach Alcorn Senior Writer Mike Citrola Senior Writer Steven Boyd Staff Writer Varun Viswanathan Staff Writer