Unreal

UNREAL "Pilot" by Chase Doutre

801-641-9323 [email protected]

ACT ONE INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHT ABBY(20s) and TOM(20s) sit at a table with bowls of soup. TOM So do you have any brothers or sisters? ABBY I actually have two-Tom knocks over his drink. TOM And there goes my drink. ABBY Do you want a napkin? Abby reaches across the table with a napkin. She spills her drink on Tom. Tom pushes away from the table. Abby’s soup splashes in her lap. ABBY (CONT’D) Ow! What are you blind? Long silence. TOM Yeah, obviously. ...Me too.

ABBY

HUNT LANGER(30s), handsome and he knows it, jumps between the couple with a microphone. HUNT Tom and Abby, you’ve just been Blindsided! What?

TOM

HUNT You’re on America’s most literal blind date reality show: Blindsided! (MORE)

2. HUNT (CONT'D) We put two blind people on a date, hit the timer, and see how long it takes them to figure out... they’re both blind! ABBY Am I going to be on the radio!? HUNT Your time was eleven minutes thirty seven seconds. That’s earned you two free gift cards to this restaurant! Hunt pulls out the gift cards and tucks them in Tom’s shirt pocket. HUNT (CONT’D) Thanks for playing guys. The entire restaurant, minus the couple, gets up and leaves. Hunt turns off the lights on his way out. Tom and Abby sit alone in the dark. TOM So you were saying you have two siblings? INT. EDITING BAY - DAY Everything in the room would be state of the art, if this were ten years ago. The last scene of “Blindsided” replays on an editing monitor. CHET WHITE(33), a wimpy, black germaphobe, rocks back and forth in his computer chair. WINSTON STACEY(23) watches the monitor behind Chet. He’s dressed to the nines but has no idea what that means. WINSTON Does he come off as too blind? CHET That’s what I was thinking. WINSTON Or maybe he’s not blind enough?

3. CHET But then I came to that conclusion as well. Winston studies the monitor. WINSTON I feel like the audience is going to get bored. Is there anyway we can make the girl black? CHET I don’t... I don’t think so. WINSTON What about Indian? I could go for Indian. RING RING Hold on.

WINSTON (CONT’D)

Winston answers his phone. WINSTON (CONT’D) (in phone) Hey Mom. I mean Dad. INT. LOBBY - DAY TINA BEAN(48), a large-breasted cougar, two cigarettes away from a tracheotomy, skims the newspaper behind the front desk. She tears out a section from the obituaries. A buff PIZZA DELIVERY BOY(20s) approaches the desk with a pizza box and a manila folder. Tina looks him up and down. They speak in rhymes for this scene only. TINA Is this a pornography? PIZZA DELIVERY BOY It’s a pizza delivery. TINA Who called it in?

4. The Delivery Boy checks the folder. PIZZA DELIVERY BOY Stacey, first name Winston. TINA Well, nobody told me. PIZZA DELIVERY BOY It’s a large pepperoni. TINA Go sit over there. Tina points at a chair by the window. PIZZA DELIVERY BOY I’ll take a seat in that-Actually, I’ll stand. INT. EDITING BAY - DAY Winston talks on the phone. Chet searches “how to turn white people black” on the computer. WINSTON (in phone) No, we shot the blind one, Dad. (beat) Yeah, we shot it anyway. (beat) I thought you were testing me. (beat) Oh, so I’m just supposed to assume you’re not testing me? (beat) Oh, okay. Winston hangs up. WINSTON (CONT’D) Lain just shutdown Blindsided. CHET I’m still getting paid right? WINSTON Didn’t you get paid like two weeks ago?

5. INT. OFFICE AREA - DAY The DMV looks fun in comparison. A sign on the wall reads: “Stacey/Thompson Productions - Where Reality Becomes Real.” EMILY DOUGLAS(29), the first ever Type A+ personality, looks over paperwork at her overcrowded desk. Headshots of blind people are stacked neatly in the corner. Across from her, MATT HARMON(28) watches a closed door. Aside from his feet, his desk is empty. Aside from the work, he loves this job. EMILY Can you lend me a hand here? Ever since you convinced Winston to allow “Man vs. Child” our list of child actors has gotten pretty short. Matt’s attention stays on the door. EMILY (CONT’D) And don’t just suggest replacing the kids with midgets again. We’re still trying to... Matt, are you even listening to me? The door opens. Chet walks out, defeated. Matt stands. MATT Yeah, totally. Midgets. Matt heads for the door. EMILY Where are you going? (beat) Wait, do you really want to use midgets? INT. EDITING BAY - DAY Winston scribbles in a notebook. WINSTON You’re going to cancel my show, Dad? Then I’m going to cancel your shows... on the DVR. That’s right, I figured out how to use it.

6. He admires his letter, then rips it out and tosses it in a trash can. Matt enters. MATT Hey, I need to head home really quick or maybe for the day. WINSTON Is it your iguana? MATT Nah, Jerry’s dead. But my mom just got that thing that’s going around. WINSTON Did she get it from the iguana? MATT No, she got... Matt searches for a word. ...polio.

MATT (CONT’D)

WINSTON (concerned) Wait, polio or poliolio? MATT Uh, just polio. Thank god.

WINSTON

MATT Yeah, so I’ll see you tomorrow. Matt opens the door. WINSTON Is that Wednesday? Matt stops. Yeah. Hump day.

MATT WINSTON

7.

Yep.

MATT

Matt leaves. INT. OFFICE AREA - DAY The amount of paperwork on Emily’s desk has doubled. Matt walks by. EMILY I still need-MATT Can’t talk. I’ve gotta go home. EMILY There’s no way your “iguana” is sick again. MATT What iguana? Matt picks up a lone paper on his desk, scowls, and adds it to Emily’s stack. MATT (CONT’D) My mom got polio today. EMILY Polio isn’t even a problem anymore. MATT Sure, it is. Lots of people have polio. Name one.

EMILY

MATT My mom. Alright, bye. Matt leaves. INT. LOBBY - DAY The Pizza Delivery Boy watches Tina attempt to shove the entire newspaper in the shredder. Matt walks through the lobby.

8. PIZZA DELIVERY BOY Winston Stacey? MATT Nope. Papa John? Matt leaves. The Delivery Boy looks over at Tina as she struggles with the shredder. He walks past her to the offices. INT. EDITING BAY - DAY Winston searches “polioliolio” on Chet’s computer. The Delivery Boy pokes his head in the room. PIZZA DELIVERY BOY Winston Stacey? Yeah?

WINSTON

The Delivery Boy approaches Winston and offers him the manila folder. PIZZA DELIVERY BOY You’ve been served. Winston grabs the pizza box instead. WINSTON Oh, thanks. I didn’t know we ordered pizza. PIZZA DELIVERY BOY No, you’re being sued. He hands Winston the folder. WINSTON You’re suing me? PIZZA DELIVERY BOY No, someone else-WINSTON You guys are worse than Pizza Bucket. Winston sets down the folder and pizza box. He reaches for his wallet.

9. WINSTON (CONT’D) I should be the one suing you. PIZZA DELIVERY BOY Sir, I’m not a-Winston pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Delivery Boy. PIZZA DELIVERY BOY (CONT’D) Have a nice day. He leaves. Winston opens the pizza box. WINSTON (disgusted) Pepperoni? END OF ACT ONE

10. ACT TWO INT. MATT’S KITCHEN - NEXT MORNING Matt reads Variety magazine while he eats cereal at the counter. KRISTEN MANWILL(23) rushes down the stairs. She has the body and brain capacity of a Barbie doll. KRISTEN What are you doing here? MATT I’m eating Corn Pops. KRISTEN You should be at work providing for our family. Family?

MATT

KRISTEN Our future family, babe. MATT This is standard breakfast conversation. Matt compares the cereal on the box to the cereal in his bowl. He frowns. KRISTEN For our little boys, Lincoln and Kennedy. MATT You’re naming our “future” kids after presidents? KRISTEN Studies show naming your kids after successful people improves their chances of being successful. MATT So you chose the names of two presidents, who were murdered.

11. KRISTEN Assassinated, Matt. Only famous people can be assassinated. Like our future children. Kristen takes a bite of Matt’s cereal. She spits it back into the bowl. KRISTEN (CONT’D) Oh gross, you are not eating this. She dumps the bowl in the sink. MATT Apparently not. KRISTEN Also, it’s like 1:40. You’re really late for work. Kristen goes back upstairs. Matt glances at the analog clock on the wall. It reads 8:05. He sighs. INT. OFFICE AREA - MORNING Emily looks over headshots of midgets at her desk. Winston enters with a large stack of flyers and the manila folder from yesterday. WINSTON So I’ve got bad news and worse news, Emily. Bad news: Matt’s mom has polio. EMILY You know polio has been cured. WINSTON But thanks to me, we can make this bad news, bad-ass news with these babies. Winston holds up one of the flyers. It’s a picture of Smokey the Bear with the caption: “Only you can prevent forest fires.” “Forest fires” has been crossed out and replaced with the word “polio.”

12. WINSTON (CONT’D) “Only you can prevent polio.” Pretty awesome, right? He’s a grizzly bear that hates polio. EMILY Smokey the Bear. That’s original. WINSTON Matt’s going to love them. EMILY So if Smokey is fighting polio, who is fighting forest fires... the three little bears? Emily laughs. Winston doesn’t. EMILY (CONT’D) What? Oh come on, that was funny. Fine, what’s the worse news? WINSTON Oh yeah, we’re being sued. EMILY You’re kidding me. By who? Winston tapes a flyer to her monitor. WINSTON Did you say something? EMILY Who is suing us, Winston? WINSTON Just some pizza boy bitch. EMILY Please tell me you did not call him a bitch. WINSTON I wish I would have, but he was too busy shoving his bitch lawsuit in my bitch face. Winston waves around the manila folder. EMILY Give that to me. Emily grabs the folder out of his hands.

13. EMILY (CONT’D) And you just called yourself a bitch. WINSTON (under his breath) Bitch. INT. LOBBY - DAY Typing with two fingers, Tina slowly updates her online dating profile. She plagiarizes from the obituary she ripped out earlier. Matt strolls in with his Variety magazine. MATT Looks like those Mavis Beacon lessons are really paying off. TINA Who the hell is Francis Bacon? Matt throws the magazine on the counter. MATT Knowledge is power, Tina. He walks back to the offices. Tina shreds Matt’s magazine. INT. WINSTON’S OFFICE - DAY Emily and Chet look over pages from the lawsuit. Winston slouches in his chair. WINSTON Okay, it isn’t even a big deal. Like we probably just can’t get delivery anymore. We should be focusing on this polio problem anyway. CHET Polio problem? EMILY Have you even read the lawsuit? Emily hands a document from the manila folder to Winston.

14. WINSTON I’ve dabbled. EMILY Joshua Maxwell from Legally Bound is suing us, not Pickle’s Pizza. Winston accidentally punctures the document with his pen. CHET Am I going to lose my job? (beat) Is that Pickle’s place hiring? WINSTON Wait, Josh is suing us? I thought I settled that like three years ago. EMILY This happened last month. EXT. MANSION - NIGHT SUPER: “Last month.” Hunt stands between a lanky virgin, JOSHUA MAXWELL(20s), and two beautiful ladies, AUDREY(20s) and LAUREN(20s), on the front lawn. Hunt grips a mic and an envelope. Between Hunt and Joshua, there’s a pedestal with an unsigned marriage certificate and a faux-feather fountain pen on it. HUNT (to camera) We’ve come a long way on “Legally Bound.” Thanks to our viewers at home, we’ve liberated ten gorgeous women from their legal obligation to marry Joshua. Only two remain. JOSHUA (whisper) They have to consummate the marriage right? HUNT Uh... yes. I believe so. JOSHUA Alright, awesome. That’s awesome... just awesome. Awesome.

15. Hunt rips open the letter and reads it. HUNT And the winner, chosen by you America, is... Audrey. Hunt checks out Audrey as he golf claps. He smiles into the camera. Lauren jumps up and down in excitement then leaves. Audrey reluctantly steps towards the pedestal. Joshua hands her the pen. JOSHUA I can’t wait... to have sex with your vagina. Audrey cries. HUNT (to camera) Tears of joy. Lovely. AUDREY I can’t do this. Audrey stabs Joshua in the neck with the pen. Joshua screams in pain. Audrey runs off. JOSHUA Oh my god, Audrey! You bitch! You hot bitch! Joshua drops to the ground, the pen stuck in his neck. Hunt moves to help Joshua, but then chases after Audrey. JOSHUA (CONT’D) I’m not sure what hurts worse: my neck or my heart! (beat) It’s my neck. INT. WINSTON’S OFFICE - DAY Winston nods as he plays with his phone.

16. WINSTON Oh, I get it now. He swore on TV. That’s why we’re suing him. EMILY I don’t see how I can explain this any better. He got stabbed in the neck on our show. He’s suing us. WINSTON And now we’re suing him back for swearing on TV. You tricky slut. That just might work. EMILY No, it won’t. I need to call your dad. Winston straightens up. WINSTON I don’t think we have to bother Lain with such a trivial matter. EMILY Actually, you’re right. We should bother our lawyer first. Then Lain. BZZZ BZZZ Emily takes out her phone to read a text. EMILY (CONT’D) “Emily is gay.” You sent this to me, Winston. Winston laughs and turns to high five Chet. He stops. WINSTON (gangster) Oh wait, my bad, my ni-Don’t. Neighbor. He fist-bumps Chet.

EMILY WINSTON

17. INT. HALLWAY - DAY Hunt parades down the hallway. He crosses paths with Tina, who is taping up Winston’s polio flyers. Hunt pulls out a marker and signs the flyer in her hand. HUNT. I always have time for my fans. What?

TINA

HUNT You don’t even have to ask. Hunt signs her breast. HUNT (CONT’D) That’s permanent, you know. INT. WINSTON’S OFFICE - DAY Hunt enters. EMILY You were supposed to be here an hour ago. HUNT Time flies when you’re drunk. Hunt unbuckles his pants. Not again.

CHET

Hunt pulls out a bottle of vodka from his waistband. WINSTON (gangster) My neighbor! EMILY People don’t say that. Hunt grabs a small flower vase and dumps out the flowers. Winston holds out his coffee mug. He fills both containers with vodka.

18. EMILY (CONT’D) Seriously, we’re being sued. Put that away. HUNT Wait, we as in me? Or we as in you? Cause if it’s we as in you, I really don’t care. EMILY We as in the company. HUNT You’re not making a very compelling argument. Hunt forces the flower vase on Emily then side hugs Chet. HUNT (CONT’D) Cup your hands. Why?

CHET

Chet cups his hands. Hunt pours vodka into Chet’s hands. Oh whoa.

CHET (CONT’D)

Emily sets down the vase. EMILY Hunt, really. I e-mailed you about this. HUNT Psh, you still e-mail? Hunt raises the bottle. HUNT (CONT’D) Okay, one two three. Winston and Hunt take a swig. Chet nervously looks back and forth between Emily and his dripping hands. He takes a sip. EMILY So this is what we’re doing? This is how we’re handling this?

19. HUNT Beats calling Lain. CHET He doesn’t even like good news. Emily sighs. She picks up the flower vase and takes a swig. The boys cheer. Winston, in the moment, throws his mug at the wall. WINSTON Chet, get those pants off! INT. OFFICE AREA - LATER Matt spins around in his chair. He comes face to chest with a very drunk Emily. Hi Matt. Hi Emily.

EMILY MATT

Emily sits on his lap. MATT (CONT’D) Whoa there. EMILY Come here. I need to talk to you. MATT You need to talk to your AA sponsor and then you can come talk to me. EMILY Matt, you’re so fucking funny sometimes. But I need some advice, straight from the horse’s mouth. Emily pokes Matt in the cheek. EMILY (CONT’D) (whisper) That’s you... neigh. MATT Okay. That’s enough of you. Matt pushes Emily off his lap onto the floor. Emily gets up, dusts off, then lays across Matt’s desk.

20. EMILY So we’re being sued. Just a little bit. And I’m in charge, kinda. So I called Winston and Hunt and Chet... Chet White, but he’s black. Emily smiles, waiting for Matt’s reaction. And?

MATT

EMILY And we had a meeting. And now we have another meeting in an hour with Josh! So... so. MATT Wait, Joshua Maxwell is suing us? The “my neck or my heart” guy? EMILY Yes! You’re like the smartest guy I’m talking to right now. MATT I was going to say the same thing about you. EMILY (flattered) Matt. RING RING MATT Hold that thought. Matt pulls out his phone. MATT (CONT’D) (in phone) Hello. KRISTEN (V.O.) How could you not tell me your mom has polio? Did you give me polio too? Am I going to have to get tested? Actually, I don’t even want to know. Bye forever! She hangs up. Matt puts away his phone. BZZZ BZZZ

21. Matt pulls out his phone again. He has a text from Kristen: “luv u! see u 2nite!” He smirks. Winston and Hunt, in a human wheelbarrow, barge in and collapse on the carpet. LAIN STACEY(60s), Winston’s father, stands above them. He’s short, pudgy, and absolutely terrifying. LAIN I can’t wait to hear the reason for this. The boys jump up. Hunt pulls out a flask from his jacket and holds it out to Lain. HUNT Morning Lain. No.

LAIN

HUNT More for me. Hunt begins a long pull from his flask. Lain eyes Emily spread on Matt’s desk. LAIN Anybody care to explain what’s going on here? Behind Lain, a door opens. Chet walks out, pantless. He notices Lain and moonwalks back through the door. Hunt finishes the flask. HUNT (to himself) Five servings my ass. (to Lain) So we’re being sued. Just thought I’d get that elephant out of the room. Emily jerks up spread eagle. Matt tries not to look. EMILY Quick! Lain’s coming! She notices Lain.

22. EMILY (CONT’D) Oh, hey Lain. So say we need a lawyer. Where is his number look like? She points to the computer. EMILY (CONT’D) Is it here? She pokes Matt in the cheek. EMILY (CONT’D) How about here? She points to her own forehead. EMILY (CONT’D) Cause it’s definitely not here. I checked. She smiles. LAIN I see Emily has adopted her mother’s alcoholism. Matt pulls down Emily’s arms. LAIN (CONT’D) If someone doesn’t tell me what’s happening right now, you’re all fired. If you don’t fix whatever is happening, you’re all fired. And if Chet doesn’t put some damn pants on, you’re all fired. WINSTON If you must know, Matt’s mom was just diagnosed with polio, and I’m not taking it that well. LAIN No, the lawsuit. WINSTON Oh that. Some virgin got stabbed in the neck on our show. So?

LAIN

WINSTON It was unplanned.

23. LAIN That seems to be a reoccurring theme in your life. WINSTON We’re meeting with him today to convince him not to sue. Emily vomits in Matt’s lap. LAIN You convinced me. Clean this up. And the vomit. Lain exits. END OF ACT TWO

24. ACT THREE INT. OFFICE AREA - DAY Tina hands Matt a roll of paper towels. He dabs his pants with them. MATT That went well. WINSTON I didn’t think so. My dad didn’t even care when I dropped the “p” word. MATT Yeah, about that. “P” word?

HUNT

WINSTON Polio. Matt’s mom caught it. Gross.

HUNT

EMILY (vomit on her lips) Gross. Matt hands Emily the roll of paper towels. Chet rushes in with the vodka bottle, pours a drink in his cupped hand, and gulps it. CHET Did Lain say anything about me? Oh god! Did he see me? Am I fired? Chet lights a cigarette. MATT Calm down. Nobody’s fired. Chet’s hands burst into flame. He screams and sprints to the bathroom. Matt takes in his surroundings. Hunt flirts with Tina, leaned against a copier. Winston signs for a package with a DELIVERY MAN(30s).

25. Emily’s passed out. Matt takes a deep breath. MATT (CONT’D) Guys, I think Emily’s dead. The room goes silent. Winston drops the package. Emily jolts awake. EMILY Oh my god, I’ll drive us to the hospital. MATT Okay, now that I have all of your attention. Let’s think about this for a second. We’re talking about Joshua Maxwell, the horniest man in reality television. Emily laughs as she does a jerk-off motion. MATT (CONT’D) What would a guy like this want? Winston picks up the box. WINSTON My package. Not quite.

MATT

Hunt, distracted, scribbles on Tina’s other breast. Women.

HUNT

MATT Good, Hunt. Hunt looks up, pleased. MATT (CONT’D) But more specifically, women who have to touch him. How do we give him that? Anybody? Blank stares.

26. MATT (CONT’D) We give him... INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY Winston stands at the head of the table. WINSTON ...Desperate women and Joshua Maxwell on an island or something: the television show. Matt sits across from Audrey and Joshua. Joshua’s neck is heavily bandaged. MATT It’s a working title. JOSHUA I love it, but I still have to sue you. I tried.

WINSTON

Winston plops into his chair. In front of him, a package full of Polo brand wristbands. He scribbles an “i” onto the wristbands so they read “POLIO.” Have to?

MATT

AUDREY Yes, he has to. He promised me. She puts her hand in Joshua’s lap. He smiles. JOSHUA How could I say no to this pretty face? MATT Well, if that pretty face put a pen in my neck, I don’t think it’d be too difficult. AUDREY We’re past that. (to Joshua) Aren’t we, babe?

27. JOSHUA Love does heal all wounds. MATT Including neck wounds? AUDREY Especially neck wounds. Now let’s get to the part where you write us a check. That’s my favorite part. JOSHUA She sure does love that part. It’s true.

AUDREY

Joshua laughs. JOSHUA It’s literally the only reason she’s dating me. Also true.

AUDREY

MATT And you’re okay with that? Hunt bursts through the door. HUNT Guys, Chet isn’t breathing. AUDREY Hunt Langer? HUNT Girl I know? JOSHUA It’s Audrey. AUDREY I haven’t seen you since... well you know. She giggles. I don’t.

HUNT

MATT Dammit Hunt, go call 911.

28. Hunt points at Audrey. HUNT I had sex with you somewhere didn’t I? AUDREY In Joshy’s ambulance. She tousles Joshua’s hair. He pushes her away. JOSHUA Wait, that’s why they had to send a second ambulance? HUNT I wouldn’t have ridden in there. (to Audrey) So Annie, do you want to help me go call 911? AUDREY Yeah, let’s totally go call 911. Audrey gets up and leaves. Hunt follows. Silence. Winston looks up from his work. WINSTON Is the meeting over? JOSHUA No, but my life is. Joshua puts his head on the desk. Winston holds out one of his polio wristbands. Wristband?

WINSTON

MATT Josh, I can tell this is a hard time for you, but you should be suing Audrey not us. JOSHUA I can’t sue her. America is depending on us to make this relationship work.

29. MATT Sure... but let me ask you this, where did you meet Audrey? JOSHUA On a TV show. His face lights up. JOSHUA (CONT’D) We could give Audrey a TV show! She’ll fall in love with me all over again! MATT Good idea. Or you sue Audrey and we create another show to get you a new girlfriend. JOSHUA A new Audrey? MATT That won’t stab you in the... back. JOSHUA Yeah. Let’s do it. MATT Great, let me make a few calls. JOSHUA So I can do it. He points to his crotch and smiles. Matt forces a smile. WINSTON If we’re going to make this work, I have one condition. He taps his polio wristband. INT. POLICE VAN - NIGHT The vibe is similar to “COPS.” Hunt, a FAT COP(40s), and a LANKY COP(30s) stake out a Beverly Hills home. Joshua fingers a jelly donut. HUNT We’re back live for hour seven of Joshua Maxwell’s new, hit show: “Cop-A-Feel.”

30. The Fat Cop chuckles at the name. HUNT (CONT’D) Joshua is still anxiously waiting for his sexy, sexy suspect-LANKY COP My leg’s falling asleep. Let’s get this over with. They open the sliding door and hop out. Joshua licks his fingers. EXT. BEVERLY HILLS HOME - NIGHT The men rush the porch. The Lanky Cop drags his leg. Joshua fixes his hair. The Fat Cop kicks the door in. Wait here.

LANKY COP

The officers rush in. FAT COP (O.S.) Down on the ground, bitch! A woman screams. BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! HUNT That was more shots than normal. JOSHUA So help me if they shot her boobs. HUNT Yeah, that last bust was unfortunate. LANKY COP (O.S.) Come on in boys, this one’s a real looker. INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT The expensive house has been ransacked. The Lanky Cop pins a FEMALE ADDICT(20s) on the floor. Joshua and Hunt enter.

31. HUNT (to camera) Here’s the moment of truth, folks. This woman has the choice between meeting her fate in prison or meeting, our man, Joshua at the altar. Joshua has a visible erection. HUNT (CONT’D) Joshua, anything you’d like to say to your possible bride-to-be? JOSHUA I hope your clothes look as good on my floor, as your body-The Addict spits out a diamond necklace. FEMALE ADDICT Prison! I choose prison! JOSHUA No, we can make this work! HUNT (to camera) The decision has been made. Prison. The Lanky Cop handcuffs the Addict. HUNT (CONT’D) Better luck next time, Joshua. (to camera) And now, as part of our ongoing polio awareness campaign-Joshua screams. A MALE ADDICT(20s), draped in nothing but a bear skin rug, holds Joshua hostage in the doorway. MALE ADDICT Roooaaarrr! I’m a hungry bear! The officers draw their guns. FAT COP Down on the ground, bitch! FEMALE ADDICT I love you, honey!

32.

Honey!

MALE ADDICT

He sinks his rotten teeth into Joshua’s neck. Joshua shrieks in pain and drops to the ground. INT. EDITING BAY - DAY Chet’s bandaged hands cue Joshua’s attack on the editing monitor for Matt, Winston, and Emily. Emily.

MATT

EMILY I’ll call our lawyer. She leaves. WINSTON Anyone want to order a pizza? END OF SHOW