Unbreakable Self Confidence

Unbreakable Self Confidence Dream Big, Live Large, Love Life By Carthage Buckley http://www.coachingpositiveperformance.com

© Coaching Positive Performance 2015

Contents Self-Confidence, What Is It?............................................................................................... 5 Self-Confidence, Why We Don't Have It? ........................................................................ 10 Building Self-Confidence ................................................................................................. 15 Barriers to Your Progress.................................................................................................. 20 Achieving Authentic Self-Confidence .............................................................................. 23 Behavioural Self-Confidence ........................................................................................ 23 Emotional Self-Confidence ........................................................................................... 24 Spiritual Self-Confidence.............................................................................................. 27 Self Confidence Mindset................................................................................................... 29 Avoid making excuses and build self-discipline .......................................................... 29 How to avoid making excuses ...................................................................................... 30 Develop a problem solving mindset ............................................................................. 34 Critical aspects of a problem solving mindset .............................................................. 34 Fostering Self Belief ..................................................................................................... 40 Understanding why? The first step in self belief .......................................................... 40 Understanding the obstacles ......................................................................................... 42 Balance your focus and learn to eat the elephant .......................................................... 46 Why you cannot focus solely on the end goal?............................................................. 46 How to balance your focus ........................................................................................... 47 Moving from project to task ......................................................................................... 48 Gratitude breeds confidence ......................................................................................... 51 Ways that gratitude enhances your life ......................................................................... 51 Exercises for Living Confidently ...................................................................................... 56 The Power of Asking Good Questions ......................................................................... 56 Problem-Solving Questions .......................................................................................... 57 Morning Questions........................................................................................................ 57 Evening Questions ........................................................................................................ 58 Questions and Exercises to Build Self-Confidence ...................................................... 58 The Getting Clear Exercise ........................................................................................... 59 The Forgiveness Exercise ............................................................................................. 59 The Relaxation/Visualisation Exercise ......................................................................... 60 Freedom from Guilt Questions ..................................................................................... 60 Freedom from Resentment Questions ........................................................................... 60

Trusting Yourself Exercise ........................................................................................... 61 Exercise for Defining What You Want ......................................................................... 61 100 Get-You-Through-Anything Self-Confidence Builders ............................................ 63 20 Affirmations to Increase Self-Confidence ................................................................... 74 Conclusion ........................................................................................................................ 75 Further information ........................................................................................................... 76 About Coaching Positive Performance ......................................................................... 76 About Carthage Buckley ............................................................................................... 76

Unbreakable Self Confidence

“Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now.” ~Goethe

Self-Confidence, What Is It? ·

Have you ever seen the joy and delight at being alive in a baby's eyes and wondered how you lost that spark?

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When you see someone who seems very self-confident, do you wonder what that person has that you don't have?

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Have you ever put off doing something you really want to do -- writing a book or asking an appealing person out -- until you feel better about yourself?

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Are you successful in some ways but underneath still feel that you could be stronger and feel more confident?

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Unbreakable Self Confidence

This ebook will reveal how you can find so much confidence inside yourself that you will be able to be the person you have always wanted to be and do the things you most want to do.

You will learn what true self-confidence is and how to nurture yourself so that you stop the habits that sabotage you and start building the mindset that will grow your self-confidence.

So, what is that thing we think of as self-confidence? Most people think it's based on the ability to do some things well. For instance, a salesperson might say, "I know I'm great at sales because I'm great at getting prospects' attention, I know how to close a deal, and I make more sales than anyone else in my company." A woman might say, "I know I'm beautiful because I can get any man to ask me out."

The problem with that thinking is that whenever you're not doing the thing you're good at, you don't feel confident. Nobody's good at everything. In fact, the most accomplished people are only good at a few things. When the salesperson isn't selling or the beautiful woman isn't being asked out by a man, they don't feel confident.

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Unbreakable Self Confidence

True self-confidence has to transcend what we do. Think about it. Have you ever accomplished something that took a lot of effort and made you feel proud, but you still felt less than confident about yourself in general? Maybe you got that college degree, or bought the house you wanted, or you're making plenty of money...and there's a feeling of disappointment because it doesn't make you as happy or self-confident as you thought it would?

In psychology this feeling that we don't really deserve what we've earned is described as the Imposter Phenomenon. No matter how much you accomplish or acquire, it won't satisfy you unless you have self-confidence on the inside. So, what's missing?

True self-confidence has nothing to do with what you've accomplished and everything to do with your belief that you have the ability to do anything you want to do. It comes from the inside. It comes from trusting yourself and committing to yourself that you will do whatever is necessary and most desirable in your life. Whatever you are faced with in life, you will face and deal with. You will take action. You know that because you have made a commitment to yourself.

Self-confidence doesn't depend on the outcome of those actions, but on your rock-solid faith in yourself to take the actions. Basing your self-confidence 7

Unbreakable Self Confidence

on positive results is setting yourself up to fail. The universe - all the people whose good responses you are depending on - can't be depended on to give you the results you want at all times.

The irony is that the only one you can depend on to give you the results you want is you. You can count on yourself and your commitment to you. You will take action, and you will adjust that action as needed. That is the source of real self-confidence. Of course, every outcome won't be what you'd like. That's life, and that's all right. Your confidence is based on who you are, not what you did. No one or no adverse outcome can take that away from you.

It makes sense, doesn't it? After all, so much of life is about doing new things and being put in new situations where we have no expertise. Isn't that what progress is all about? In addition, just because you did something well one time, does that mean you do it well again? Maybe, but maybe not! What you do know is that you'll do everything necessary to do the best job you can. You're committed to taking action and following through, whatever it takes. You might go through many stages, changes, and challenges, but you will go through them to the end.

It's a simple explanation for something as mysterious as true self-confidence. But it's the truth. Self-confidence comes from your commitment to yourself 8

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to take action and to follow through. Easy to understand, but not usually easy to do. The rest of this ebook tells you how to do it.

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Self-Confidence, Why We Don't Have It? What's your reaction when you're faced with doing something for the first time? If you're asked to give a talk on something you don't know much about, how do you feel? If you're faced with an unexpected bill you don't know how you'll pay, what's your first thought? If you're asked to do something new at your job, what's your reaction?

Excitement about a new challenge? Fear that you won't be able to do it? Trust that you will do whatever it takes?

Is there something in your life that you would like to do right now? Are you afraid that you'll procrastinate, or get sidetracked, or that you won't finish it? Has this happened in the past? This is the point where you stopped trusting yourself, and stopped pushing past the obstacles and the fear.

You've probably heard about Thomas Edison's thousand failed attempts to invent the light bulb and how he said, "That wasn't failure since he had learned one thousand ways not to invent the light bulb." That's exactly the attitude that separates winners from quitters. All of the winners -- those who

eventually succeed -- trust themselves to keep on going in spite of challenges and mistakes.

One of the secrets these winners share is that there are many failures on the road to success. We look at them after they've succeeded, and all we see is the final result, the success. We assume they have always been successful and even that there's something special or miraculous about them that we don't have. We’re waiting until we feel as confident as they seem before we begin. If there's one formula for failure, that is it.

To do something, whatever the "thing" is that you want to do, you need to realise in advance that you're starting from a place of not knowing what you're doing and will make mistakes, probably lots of them. You might even be very bad at "it." It's OK, really. You have to look bad before you look good. That's how it works. Ask yourself, "What's the alternative." Well, the alternative is doing only the things you know you can do well. Now, where's the fun in that?

Are you procrastinating? Are you waiting to feel confident about doing something before starting? Sorry, but you will wait forever. Are you wanting to write a book but won't go near the computer? Wanting to start a business but won't leave the TV room? Are you waiting for the magic to happen that

will take all the fear away and make you feel certain of success? The only magic is in not waiting for the magic and taking the first step in spite of the fear.

In fact, the longer you wait, the less confident you will feel. The more you procrastinate, the more your fear will grow.

Another sure way to sabotage your dreams is to put off feeling good about yourself until...sometime in the future. Have you every told yourself that you will have confidence

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when you lose 15 pounds

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when you have a girlfriend/boyfriend

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when you're out of debt

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when you've finished school

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and on and on and on...

There's no problem with wanting to improve ourselves in any capacity. The problem is that this is conditional self-love and this attitude makes you feel bad about yourself until you've accomplished that task. Even worse, what usually happens is that, once you've achieved the first goal, you will

probably come up with another one: "Oh, ok, I lost the 15 pounds, but what I really need is a boyfriend. Then, I'll feel good about myself."

Look at it this way. How would you feel about a boss who said, "I know I promised you a raise when you finished that project, but I need you to do this project now. Then I'll give you the raise." How about a boyfriend who said, "I know I said we'd get married this June, but we really need to wait until next June." You'd probably be furious and start looking for another boss and another boyfriend! Rightly so, too. Can you see that this is the way you're treating yourself? Every day! What's happening is that you're foregoing so much joy in the present by punishing yourself in an attempt to achieve goals.

In what ways are you sabotaging your own self-confidence? Here's a question you need to ask yourself: "When do I feel really good about myself?" Take your time with this. Find as many answers to that question as you can. You might be surprised at all the answers you come up with.

Here's what you can do. Instead of telling yourself, "I'll like myself when..." replace it with "Right now, I really feel good about myself because..." Do that daily; every morning come up with as many answers as you can. When

you honour yourself for who you are right now, you build on your selfconfidence.

Building Self-Confidence There are so many ways we limit our self-confidence without even knowing it. The first step we need to take in building self-esteem is to be honest with ourselves in every area.

Tony Robbins asks the question, "What would you do if you knew you could not fail?" Implied in that question are many more questions about all the ways you are limiting yourself in order to protect yourself from the possibility of failing. You do this by side-stepping the truth. For instance,

How are you limiting your dreams? Are you avoiding people or situations that challenge you? Do you honestly assess your own true needs? Do you choose to do only things that don't challenge you? Do you tell yourself, "I don't care" when you really do? Do you say "yes" to everything that everyone asks of you? Do you every renegotiate your agreements with others?

Are you always choosing smaller, safer dreams and actions because they are safer? When we achieve our smaller dreams at the expense of the larger ones

and tell ourselves that we're successful, we're lying to ourselves and cheating ourselves out of the life we could have.

Normal, healthy fear is a good thing, but letting your fear rob you of your dreams is not. The fear exists because you're trying something new and stretching yourself. That's human and natural for just about everyone. It's not a sign of weakness. Letting the fear stop you from going forward is the mistake most people make. Acknowledging the fear and going forward anyway is the way dreams are achieved. Real self-confidence is not a lack of fear. It comes from trusting yourself in spite of your fear. See your dreams as bigger than your fears.

Many children were raised in homes where they received a lot of criticism and not much praise. Parents thought they were creating well-behaved, humble children. A good thing, right? Well...not necessarily. One result of that treatment can be lack of confidence. There's a difference between having a big ego and self-confidence. Self-confidence means you believe in yourself. A big ego means that you have to prove you're better than everyone else. That's a huge distinction.

We all know braggers - people who name drop or can't help slipping in information about their accomplishments or how much money they make.

This is not a sign of self-confidence or superiority. It is an attempt to compensate for feelings of low self esteem. When people have to broadcast how wonderful they are, they are really telling you, loudly and clearly, how unconfident they feel. In fact, the bragging is an attempt to convince not just you, but also themselves. These are inauthentic people trying to compensate for their feelings of powerlessness.

Now for the good news! Increasing your self-confidence will not give you a big ego. It will increase your integrity and strength along with your joy and self-love. You can start to increase your self-confidence as soon as you take the first step toward achieving one of your dreams because you'll know that you're honoring your commitment to yourself. The more steps you take, the more your self-confidence will grow because you are taking action. With each action you take, the more your fear will diminish and your confidence will grow. When you begin to trust in your own integrity, you will begin to connect with infinite personal power. In “You Can Work Your Own Miracles”, Napoleon Hill discusses the growth of his own self-confidence that occurred when, totally unprepared, he started working for Andrew Carnegie. He said that, instead of revolting or shivering with fear, he started looking for the seed of an equivalent benefit

that always is carried in every circumstance of adversity. We can all benefit from applying this tactic to our circumstances. Focusing on the benefits takes our focus off the fears we feel so we can more easily take action.

Hill said that throughout his life, whether changes had been voluntary or involuntary, good or bad, he wasn't afraid. He knew that, while he might not have control over the circumstances, he had control over his reaction to those circumstances. He believed that we are where we are and what we are because of our daily habits. He began to challenge his own thinking and actions and changed them from ones that had led to failure to those of mastery. He has left us some of the greatest books on self-confidence ever written.

Another type of dishonesty that sets us up for failure is saying "yes" to too many people and overextending ourselves. Your intention is to make them happy and gain their approval. The reality is that you spread yourself too thin and end up breaking some of your commitments or not delivering at the level you know you could.

Your first agreement needs to be with yourself. When you overextend yourself and break that agreement, you pay the price of loss of self-esteem,

loss of self-trust, loss of self-respect, confusion, exhaustion, and loss of others' trust.

Remember, all of your agreements are with yourself. Take them seriously. Only make agreements you plan to keep. Write them down and renegotiate them when necessary even if you're afraid that some others might not like it.

The great payoff in this is that you will begin to trust your own intuition, heart, and mind. This is the beginning of owning your own life and true selfconfidence.

Barriers to Your Progress Have you ever wondered about how you might be benefitting by not being confident? Could there be a payoff that you don't recognise on a conscious level? Is there anything you might lose if you suddenly had great selfconfidence?

If these questions surprise you, answer this: why is it so difficult for us as human beings to change unhealthy habits or negative states of mind and negative behavior? The answer is that we actually get many benefits that we don't acknowledge or even are aware of.

If this weren't true, why do many people stay in hurtful relationships month after month, year after year, unable to break out? Here are some of the payoffs that keep them there:

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Sympathy and attention from friends

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An excuse for not improving their own lives

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An excuse for indulging in bad habits

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An excuse for not looking at their own issues

The same is true for you if you are living with low self-confidence, all the time complaining about it. You could be receiving some of the benefits mentioned above, and possibly some of these:

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People will feel sorry for you

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People will support you and try to help you

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People will like you and see you as non-threatening since you are not competing with them

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You avoid failing at anything since you're probably not attempting anything in the first place

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You get a pass on your bad behavior since everyone knows you don't feel good about yourself

Don't feel too bad, though. This is a big club that lots of us belong to without even recognising it. This thinking allows us to avoid taking responsibility for all kinds of things. We can be lazy and live on a level that's inferior to the best we are capable of. We don't have to act or take risks, so we won't have to deal with the disappointment if those actions or risks don't work out as we'd like. It's safe and it's easy; it's just not very fulfilling. Is this you?

We all know people whose basic attitude is, "Poor me!" Most of us have enough compassion and empathy to help these people, but the truth is that

the whole scenario wears us our eventually. We become a little resentful and start looking for a way out. The "Poor me's" want and need the attention, but they also know that it can end at any time. And while people are getting attention by displaying a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem, it's very difficult to choose to work toward achieving more self-confidence. Is this you?

What payoffs are you getting for your lack of self-confidence? If you aren't a powerful, confident person, make a list of the payoffs you are getting. Frequently, people may be powerful in one area of life but stuck in a mindset of low self-confidence in another area. Could that be you? Don't give yourself a pass or give up on the other areas that need work.

It isn't easy to recognise how you might be sabotaging your self-confidence with some of these payoffs. It's even harder to confront them and begin to change. But the real truth is that the payoffs you get from living with these bad habits are an illusion. They won't actually satisfy you or ever give you self-confidence. Letting go of the old payoffs is the road to gaining the confidence that will satisfy you and give you a truly fulfilling life.

Achieving Authentic Self-Confidence We now know what self-confidence is, why we don't have it, and the obstacles in the way of achieving it. So, what steps exactly can we take to become powerful, self-confident, and self-fulfilled with joyful lives we are proud of?

Behavioural Self-Confidence First, you need to believe in your own general competence, your ability to take action when needed. This is behavioural competence. For instance, if you want to start your own business, you have to believe that you will take the actions to achieve this goal. You will develop a business plan, learn whatever you need to learn to run the business, and accomplish all the practical tasks involved in setting up a company.

Second, you need to believe in your ability to follow through. Many people are good at coming up with ideas and even taking some steps toward the goal, but stop before the goal has been reached. They become overwhelmed or are too disorganised and unfocused.

Third, you need to believe in your ability to overcome obstacles. Some people move forward with a plan until they encounter problems. Where is

your tolerance level for obstacles? Do you run as far and fast as you can to avoid them, or do you realise that this was to be expected and get to work on them?

Fourth, you need to believe in your ability to ask for help. Do you stubbornly insist on going it alone, or are you reasonable enough to ask for help when necessary? Responsibly asking for help is a sign of self-love and intelligence.

If you have problems with procrastination or stagnation, making a detailed outline of the steps you want to take (what they are and when you will take them) can keep you on track. Finding models that are doing well at what you want to do could be of great value to you. Finally, making a list of people you can go to for help will strengthen your belief that you can and will go forward with your goals. This belief, in turn, will strengthen your behavioural self-confidence. The more you take action, the more your behavioural self-confidence will grow.

Emotional Self-Confidence Strong emotional self-confidence means that you believe in your ability to master your inner emotions. This involves several components:

1. You believe that you are able to identify what you are feeling when you are feeling it. Many of us have no insight into what we're truly feeling. Without clarity about what we're feeling, we can't have a good relationship with ourselves or a positive relationship with other people.

2. You believe that you are able to express your emotions appropriately to the appropriate people. Unexpressed emotions stagnate and create emotional blockages which can erupt causing further problems. Emotional blockages prevent us from giving or receiving love.

3. You believe that you are able to connect with others in a loving, meaningful way. Connecting with other people is a pillar of self-confidence. If you can't function successfully at a social gathering or a business meeting, you can't feel confident about yourself. Connecting with others increases your emotional confidence as well as love and fulfillment in your life.

4. You believe in your ability to find love, understanding, and compassion in life, especially in difficult times. Life presents us all with many difficulties and emotional challenges. To have emotional self-confidence, we need to be able to process these obstacles and negative emotions and come back to an emotional state of stability and love. To do this, we must see all things as

having a kernel of possitivity, a bigger purpose, and a meaning beyond the difficulty itself. This belief prevents us from being victims and anchors us to something beyond ourselves.

5. You believe that what you have to offer others is of value. You are a unique human being, one of a kind, never to be repeated. Knowing who you are and what you have to offer brings true emotional self-confidence. With emotional self-confidence you honor your own uniqueness and that of others.

Pay attention to your feelings. Do you always recognise what they are? Are you able to process the negative ones and come back to a place of stability and a positive attitude? Can you express your honest feelings to others or do you need to edit them? Are you frequently negative and judgmental? This can be the defense of people with low self-confidence. The more powerless people feel, the more judgmental they tend to be.

Seek out opportunities to connect with others. Isolating yourself sabotages emotional self-confidence. Connecting with others allows you to work on all aspects of emotional self-confidence. This will make you more powerful in all your connections with people.

Spiritual Self-Confidence

The third pillar of emotional self-confidence is spiritual self-confidence. "Spiritual" does not mean religious, but denotes a relationship with the Universe we live in. With it:

1. You believe that there is a universal energy flow toward good. When you look at the natural world, you see an ongoing forward flow in all things: cells, human beings, animals, vegetation. You believe that you are part of something larger than yourself.

2. You believe that there's an order in the universe and that it makes sense. This is important because if you believe that the world we live in is chaos with no order, there's little hope of spiritual self-confidence. But if you notice the extreme order of all things from the planets to the mechanics of creation, your spiritual confidence begins to grow.

3. You believe you are an expression of a greater force -- God, Spirit, the Universe -- whatever you choose to believe is responsible for the creation of the universe. This belief in yourself as a unique expression of whatever created everything in existence greatly increases your spiritual selfconfidence and your overall self-confidence.

If you have problems with spiritual self-confidence, you could spend some time thinking about how many challenges that seemed at first to be negative turned out to be positive. You could spend some time in Nature and observe the order of all things. You could look for the everyday miracles that we are surrounded by that make you feel watched over and loved.

Spiritual self-confidence allows you to believe that you are on the right road and that wherever you are is where you were meant to be.

Self Confidence Mindset Avoid making excuses and build self-discipline Building self discipline is all about putting an end to excuses. It’s about taking responsibility for your behavior and your life. It’s about getting the most out of all life has to offer. And, if you want to get the most out of life, you have to get up off of your backside and go after your goals. Anybody can tell you what they would like from life and, most people will tell you. However, when push comes to shove, how many people do you know who are committed to pursuing their goals and are relentless in doing so. My bet is that if you are honest, you will know very few people who really fit this description. If you want to be like these people, you need to avoid making excuses and take action. When you do this, your confidence will soar. The ability to avoid making excuses and focus on the task at hand is seriously underrated. There are many things which can come between you and your goal and, some of them will lie outside of your control. When these kinds of events occur, it is easy to start pointing the finger at everybody else. Honestly, there are times when it feels good to have somebody to blame. It can help you to feel better about yourself at that moment in time but when that moment passes, you see that blaming others is a waste of time and energy. In the long run, constantly blaming others makes you lazy and

weak. If you want to achieve your goals, you need to accept the setbacks, identify ways to overcome them and, get back on track.

How to avoid making excuses If you are not achieving the results you want; it’s time to put an end to excuses. The following are some tips to help you avoid making excuses. 1. Take responsibility I’ve touched on this earlier, but it is the foundation of success. Whatever your goal may be, you are going to struggle to achieve it unless you take responsibility for your life. When you accept responsibility for your life and, learn to focus on the things which you can control, you will find it very easy to avoid making excuses when things go wrong. You must always accept responsibility for the things you do and the things you fail to do. Even when events outside of your control occur, you should avoid making excuses and identify the things which you can change to get a better result next time. When you accept responsibility you take control of your life. Making excuses robs you of your personal power. 2. Focus on what matters

Most excuses occur after the fact i.e. something has to go wrong before you point out that it’s not your responsibility. This is particularly evident in the field of time management. Most people waste valuable time on things that do not really matter. As a result, they fail to complete the tasks which really matter. They then respond to productivity problems by making excuses. It’s a way for them to justify poor decision making. You can avoid making excuses here by avoiding these situations. To do that, you simply need to identify the most important tasks and, focus on completing them. If you then have spare time, you can focus on tasks of lesser importance. To improve your focus and productivity, check out Quick Fixes for Your Productivity. 3. Consider life as a training ground When you start to regard life as a training ground, setbacks are painted in a new light. Rather than berate yourself for mistakes you realise that failure to achieve your goal provides an amazing opportunity to learn from your mistakes. When you implement what you learn, you achieve much better results. With this attitude, you begin to see failure as an essential part of your education in life.

Learning from your failures conditions you and makes you stronger and more confident. This is both a way to get a mental edge and an absolute truth. Adversity is a way to become smarter, stronger, more resilient, experienced and skilled. Next time you experience a setback; avoid making excuses and seek out the lesson to be learned. 4. Remember the long term goal It is your long term goals that are really important, ultimately. If you were to focus solely on your long term goals, you might feel overwhelmed by the size of the goal and the fact that the deadline is far away. That is why you must break your long term goals down into smaller goals which you can achieve quicker, allowing you to feel like you have accomplished something and, take a step towards your long term goal. This way, you achieve your most important goals, step by step. When you find the temptation to make excuses, there’s no better time to think of your long term goals. This helps clarify where you are at, and why you are doing the things you are doing. You can see the rewards that await you at the end of the journey which builds your motivation. To learn more about setting and planning for goals, check out the Ultimate Guide to Goal Setting.

5. Expect Challenges Almost nothing worthwhile in life comes without a fight. Challenges are an essential part of life which should be embraced, engaged and overcome as they allow you to grow as a person. Whether you like it or not, you will face challenges along the way so, you might as well avoid making excuses and get on with the job of overcoming them. Excuses won’t get you anywhere at all. Instead, they are a terrible distraction which take your focus off of your most important tasks and, reduces your confidence and self belief. So, avoid making excuses and face your challenges head on. You will be more empowered, more confident and more successful. If you want to get from where you are in life to where you want to be, you need to avoid making excuses and focus on the tasks that are going to get you there. If excuses were currency, we would all be rich but for all the excuses that we make, they provide nothing of value. Instead, they take away your personal power and your self confidence. If you avoid making excuses, you can take responsibility for your life and take consistent, and focused action to move closer to your goals.

Develop a problem solving mindset Whether you are trying to improve your productivity, improve the quality of your relationships or, resolve conflict; there is one critical factor which is often overlooked – a problem solving mindset. A problem solving mindset is essential in almost every area of life. Even with the best planning and preparation, things will go wrong for you. When this happens, your problem solving mindset will enable you to find the best path forward. You will be able to achieve your objectives quicker, help others to find solutions to their problems and, reduce conflict and stress. When you have an effective problem solving mindset, you become a valuable resource for friends, family and colleagues. Even in the most pressurised of situations, you will be seen as an ally rather than a threat.

Critical aspects of a problem solving mindset The following skills are critical aspects of a problem solving mindset. As you start to implement these skills, and improve your ability with them, you will see large improvements in the results that you achieve. 1. Responsibility Responsibility is both a skill and an attitude. When you encounter a problem in your life, you can either bury your head in the sand or, you can choose to

do something proactive about the situation. Sadly, many choose the first option but avoidance is not an effective problem solving skill. When you choose to ignore a problem; it doesn’t go away. Instead, it builds up in the background until eventually; you are forced to deal with it. With a problem solving mindset, you know that if you do not attempt to deal with the problem; you are creating a bigger problem which, when you are eventually forced to deal with it; it will be more difficult to resolve successfully. Therefore, when you see a problem, you are eager and willing to step up and attempt to resolve the situation. 2. Emotional intelligence When things go wrong, it is easy to lose control of your emotions. You may become angry or distraught due to things not going as expected. It is important that you feel and experience your emotions but it is just as important that you do not choose your next action based on these emotions. Your emotions are so powerful that they can influence you to take decisions and actions that you would not otherwise consider. An essential component of an effective problem solving mindset is the ability to take ownership of your emotions and then, centre yourself and regain your composure, prior to choosing your response to the situation.

3. Goal identification You would be amazed at how many people I have met over the years who, when faced with a problem, rush straight in to trying to solve the problem before they have decided on the outcome they desire. When you are trying to solve a problem, you must first understand the true nature of the problem. Then, you must decide what solution you would like to achieve i.e. what is the end goal of the problem solving process. If you have no idea of the outcome you are trying to achieve; you will not solve the problem, you will merely change the problem. Once you have developed a problem solving mindset, you will realise that you need to stand back and analyse a problem before you rush in to solve it. You will then enter the problem solving phase with a clear understanding of what is wrong, what it is costing you and, what you would like to achieve as a result of your efforts. With this approach, your chances of success are greatly elevated. 4. Descriptive and objective detail One of the biggest obstacles to problem solving is the apportioning of blame. When you use the language of blame, others take offence and go on the defensive. They are then less likely to engage in any attempts to resolve the

situation. To prevent this from happening, it is imperative that you be able to give an accurate, detailed account of what has occurred. If you are unsure of some of the details, say so. Do not try to fill the gap with assumptions as somebody is likely to offer a contrary view, thus leading to an unnecessary argument. 5. Active listening When I first entered the working world, the term ‘active listening’ was really taking off. However, the teaching on this area seemed to focus on the need to let the other person know that you are listening; with verbal and physical gestures e.g. nodding your head. However, I have always found that there is a simpler way to practice active listening – listen. When you genuinely listen to people, and take an interest in what they say, this communicates itself to the person speaking. You will naturally begin to do verbal and physical gestures. You will also find that you are inclined to ask questions and reflect. When you listen actively, the speaker feels valued and appreciated thus encouraging them to be more open, trustworthy and helpful as you try to resolve the problem. 6. Probe and reflect

So, active listening is not just listening. It is listening and, supporting that listening with questions and reflections, with the purpose of gathering as much information about the problem as possible. When you are listening, you may be confused about something that you have heard or, you may wish to learn a little more about something which was mentioned. This is the ideal time to ask a question or two, so that you may probe a little further. When you develop a problem solving mindset, you realise that there is thinking that you understand and, ensuring that you understand. You don’t settle for thinking that you understand. Instead, you use reflection to tell the speaker your understanding of what they have told you. This is important because it provides them with the opportunity to correct any misunderstandings. This ensures that you can pursue a solution based on facts rather than miscommunications. 7. Desire to find the most appropriate solution Too often, when trying to solve a problem, people jump at the first solution that comes into their head. In my experience, the first solution is rarely the best or most appropriate solution. It is best to take a period of time to generate as many potential solutions as possible. Invite all of the relevant stakeholders to offer their thoughts. Then, together, you can evaluate each

potential solution to determine which one is most likely to bring about the conclusion that you are seeking. Note: You don’t have to solve every problem on your own. A problem solving mindset is crucial in every walk of life. When you have a problem solving mindset you understand the difference between actually solving the problem and, merely changing the nature of the problem. When you have a problem solving mindset you have a range of skills and attributes which enable you to find the most appropriate solution to implement, in order to bring about the desired change. As you implement these skills and gain confidence in your ability to use them, you will deal with any problems that may arise, quicker and more effectively. As a consequence, you will improve the quality of the results that you achieve in all areas of your life.

Fostering Self Belief Many people, who fail to achieve their objectives, do not fail because of a lack of knowledge or ability. After all, if you are lacking in knowledge or skill, you can simply make it a goal to acquire the necessary knowledge or skill before you pursue the bigger objective. From my coaching experience, I find that a lack of self belief is just as common a problem. Even when you have the ability to achieve an objective, a lack of self belief will reduce your chances of success. With proper planning and execution, almost any objective is achievable for you. However, if you do not have a full understanding of the goal and, the challenges that lie ahead, you are more likely to experience a lack of self belief. In order to gain the necessary understanding, and increase your self belief, there are a number of question which you can ask yourself.

Understanding why? The first step in self belief When you have set your goal, it is important that you understand exactly why you want to achieve it. Many people are motivated by the wants and needs of others or, societal norms. These are not good reasons to set a goal. Effective goals should come from within and help you to create the life that you truly desire. The following questions will help you to understand the why:

1. What would achieving this goal do for you? The purpose of a goal is to help you to improve your life by bringing you one step closer to creating the life that you desire. With this being the case, you need to understand the importance of each goal by defining how it will improve your life. There is great truth in the old saying ‘Where there is a will, there is a way’. A great deal of self belief comes from having a strong enough desire. If someone you loved really needed your help, you would find a way to help, even if you were the other side of the world. It would be that important. You might not be able to make every goal that important but by understanding the difference that a goal will make, you can raise the sense of importance attached to it, thus increasing your self belief and will to make it happen. 2. How does this fit with your purpose? Do you understand what you are trying to achieve with your life? What kind of a difference you wish to make? That is your purpose. Everybody has a purpose and when setting goals, the majority of your goals should serve your purpose. Those goals that do not; should not hamper your purpose. Where there is a conflict between your goals and your purpose, you will experience

some inner turmoil and your chances of living your purpose, or achieving your goal, will suffer. 3. Who would you be? Some of our goals are aimed at allowing us to become the person we want to be. When you have a clear set of values, these define the person you want to be. For example, if kindness is your most important value, you will need to assess each goal to determine whether it requires the actions of a kind person. At the very least, it should not require the actions of an unkind person. Where there is conflict between your goals and values, you will struggle to achieve your goals and, even if you do, your confidence and self belief will suffer.

Understanding the obstacles No matter what you are trying to achieve, there will be obstacles to stand in your way. If you want to be successful, you need to overcome these obstacles or, find a way around them. 4. What’s the baggage? Each and every goal will have some baggage i.e. consequences which you may not have realised. As an example, a friend of mine travelled to Australia on a one year working holiday. She had heard that it was great fun, which it

is, and did not spend a lot of time making preparations. Soon after she arrived, she became homesick. She didn’t know many people and felt lonely and isolated. She even considered coming home after just a couple of months. Thankfully, she bumped into a fellow Irish girl, one day, who, realising that she was struggling; invited her to a social gathering and introduced to her to a number of new people. Soon, her social life was in full swing and she was having the time of her life. While things worked out well for her in the end, had she realised the potential for homesickness, she may have prepared a little better before leaving for Australia by researching the best places to meet like minded people; saving herself a lot of stress. Regardless of the goal that you choose, there will be consequences that come with it. Rather than go blindly into the pursuit of the goal; take the time to draw up a list of pros (you should have this from point 1) and cons that come with achieving the goals. The cons do not have to put you off of chasing the goal. You can take the time to develop a plan for dealing with them. 5. Why have you not achieved this already? It may seem like a strange question for building self belief because you are asking yourself to think of negatives but I find that this question can be a little gem. Firstly, when I ask this of clients, they often come out with a list

of excuses. These excuses are generally easily dealt with and they do need to be dealt with. Once the simple excuses are out of the way, we see the real benefit. They tend to list knowledge and skills, which are necessary to achieve the goal that they did not previously possess. It is then a simple matter of reframing what they said, pointing out that they now possess all of this knowledge and skills. This really boosts self belief. The same can occur with attitudes e.g. you might say ‘I was too immature previously’. What you are also saying is, ‘I am mature enough now’. 6. What might stand in the way? No matter what goal you pursue, there is the potential for problems along the way. Many people avoid thinking of potential problems because they think it is negative. But, it is only negative if you have no intention of tackling the problems. Pretending that there are no potential problems is not positive; it’s delusional. Whether you are thinking of them or not, these potential problems exist. Rather than being negative, identifying and creating a plan for dealing with a potential problem is a great way to boost your self-belief. You develop the confidence to know that whatever life throws at you, you will be able to deal with it.

Self belief is critical to achieving your goals. As Henry Ford said, ‘Whether you think that you can or you think you can’t – you’re right’. Self belief is that powerful. If you really want to achieve something, you will find a way to make it happen. Unfortunately, many people wait for their self belief to increase before they take action. That is not how it works though. When you set a goal, you can make the effort to build your self belief about achieving that goal. Then, you can take action towards achieving that goal. As you progress closer to the achievement of the goal, your self belief will increase further. So, when you set a goal, don’t sit around waiting for a sense of self belief to kick in; start developing your own self belief.

Balance your focus and learn to eat the elephant Throughout your working life, you will regularly be required to take on new challenges. These challenges may push you beyond your current capabilities. While you may initially worry about your ability to do the job, you should remember that extending yourself and learning new skills and knowledge are an essential part of life. You are a human being and as such you are not meant to stagnate; you are meant to grow and thrive. However, it is also important to remember that for learning to be true growth, it must take you in the direction of fulfilling your objectives. If the skills and knowledge that you are gaining are of no real use, then you are merely wasting time. To do this, you must be able to balance your focus between the end goal and, the next important task.

Why you cannot focus solely on the end goal? When you focus solely on the big goal, it is easy to become overwhelmed by the enormity of the task. It may be that the deadline is tight and there is a lot of work to do, or it may be that you do not yet know exactly how to complete the task. In these instances it is important to remember the old adage that you complete a big task in the same way that you would eat an elephant – one bite at a time. This is what you do when your balance your focus.

How to balance your focus To avoid overwhelm, you need to break the task down into a series of small tasks which you can then focus on, one at a time, instead of focusing on the big picture. Simply put, the large task becomes a project. If you are uncertain as to how you will complete some aspects of the task; you can seek advice from those who have done it before, or you can conduct some research. Research does not have to meet the strict criteria of scientific research. There are a myriad of resources available to you. These resources include:  Search engines  Books  Online training  Blogs  Seminars/Webinars  Peer groups  Mastermind groups These are just some of the many ways in which you can research the best solution. As part of your long-term development plan (you do have one,

right?) you should compile a list of resources which you can refer to, whenever you have an issue which is giving you difficulty.

Moving from project to task It is important that you remember the ultimate objective of the task. When you are clear on the objective, this serves as motivation as well as a means to measure your progress. However, each time that you think about the big picture, it is important that you then bring your focus back to a smaller task. I use two questions to do this: 1. What is the end goal? Every action must take you closer to an end goal. If the action does not serve a goal, it does not have a purpose. Therefore, it should not be in your schedule. People with poor productivity, when they finally seek help from a professional, often learn that they have been completing tasks which have little or no relevance to their goals. That is time wasted which can never be reclaimed. Before you accept a task, and before you commence you should ask this question to be certain that you really should be completing the task. 2. What is the most important action which I can take to move me closer to the goal?

While there will be a number of tasks, related to the goal, which you could take; your goal will be best served by taking the most important action. Too many people choose the easiest task as it allows them to tick more tasks off their list, making them feel that they have been effective. However, effectiveness is not about the quantity of work that you complete; it is about the quality of the tasks that you complete i.e. how important are they? It can be difficult to accept that you could get 100 tasks completed today but, if they are not important tasks, you have had ineffective day. Conversely, there have been many days where I have completed only one task but, as it was my most important task, it was still a highly effective day. There are many things upon which you could choose to focus in any given moment but most of them will not serve your objectives. If you want to be productive, effective and fulfil your goals, you need to be able to balance your focus. If you focus solely on small tasks, you fail to see the bigger picture and you end up completing a lot of tasks which are of little or, no importance. If you focus solely on the big task, you can easily feel overwhelmed and, lack confidence in your ability to get the job done. The solution is to balance your focus between the big picture (the end goal) and the current situation (choosing the most important task to complete). When

you learn to balance your focus like this, you are able to ensure that you are constantly completing the most important tasks which take you closer to the completion of your goal.

Gratitude breeds confidence When you are trying to develop more self confidence, one of the most powerful changes that you can make is to change the way you look at life. People are always saying that they want more of the good things in life but before they get more, they usually need to start showing appreciation and gratitude for the good things that they already have. Simply put, if you want to develop self confidence, you must first change your perspective. Make a conscious effort each and every day to identify and acknowledge all of the good things that you already have. Expressing gratitude will not solve all of the problems that you experience in life but it will give you a more balanced view of your life which in turn brings many benefits.

Ways that gratitude enhances your life Abundance surrounds you in many ways. Regardless of your situation in life, there are many things that gratify you. What are you thankful for? Take time each day to express your gratitude for all of the good things in your life and you will soon begin to experience the benefits, including the following: 1. You’ll be more enthusiastic Energy and enthusiasm are essential ingredients for a successful life. They help you to push through the difficult times and give you the courage to push your boundaries out by trying new goals. Research shows that when subjects recorded what they were thankful for in a journal on a regular basis, they reported having a larger sense of enthusiasm for their life than those who didn’t write about their gratitude. Acknowledge your gratitude. Take a pen and paper, set a timer for 10 minutes and write down everything that you are grateful for. In addition, write down the reason that you are grateful for it and the benefits you experience. 2. You’ll feel more determined to achieve your goals When you take notice of the good things you have, you’re more likely to put your nose to the grindstone and keep working for whatever else you desire. This is

because you are more confident in your abilities. As you recognise your positive achievements in life and, your good fortune, you begin to realise that you can achieve anything that you set your mind to. 3. Your level of optimism will soar People often say that they lack confidence because nothing good ever happens to them. However, when you ask them if this is really true and, challenge their claim, they usually start to remember some good things. If you continue with your line of questioning, the slow trickle of good experiences soon turns into a steady flow. When you are feeling down and things are not going your way, it is very easy to forget about all the positive things in your life. That is why it is so important to spend a few minutes each and every day practicing gratitude. It is even better if you write down your gratitude as you will be able to read back over your notes and remind yourself. The more positivity that you acknowledge, the more optimistic you become. You are not being asked to delude yourself with fabricated stories; just to accurately record the good experiences in your life. According to several studies, those who documented what they were thankful for were much more positive about how their life was going and how it would proceed. Being optimistic will fuel your passion to construct the life you deserve. 4. Energy levels increase Negativity gets you down. It consumes you to the point that it takes over your entire life and manipulates your perspective until you think that everything about your life is bad. This drains your energy and leaves you feeling lethargic. It is difficult to get anything worthwhile done when you feel like this. The perfect antidote is to recognise the positives by practicing gratitude daily. As you do, your perspective becomes more balanced and your energy levels increase. 5. You’ll pay more attention As previously mentioned, you are not expected to fabricate good news and experiences. You are only being asked to be realistic. Realism is important

because it allows you to make important decisions based on accurate information. You have probably heard the old cliché ‘Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater’. It is a wise old saying. There will always be times when you need to make changes in your life but if you are unrealistic and have a very negative outlook, you will end up changing more than is necessary. When you do so, you end up changing things that were working well and so, you make your situation worse. Being thankful ensures you’ll be more alert and aware of how your life is going, what you’re doing right, and what needs to change. The information is more accurate and thus your decisions and your changes will be more effective. 6. Levels of stress drop A great deal of stress comes from the most useless emotions of them all – guilt and worry. Guilt is useless because you are causing yourself to feel bad over something which has already happened and so, cannot be changed. Worry is useless because you are causing yourself to feel bad over something which may never happen. As you live a life of gratitude, many things that used to stress you out will lose their power. Instead, you’ll be entrenched in the world you’re living in rather than focusing on the past or fearing the future. Even when your worries seem genuine, you will be more motivated to take preventative action, thus reducing or eliminating your worry. 7. You’ll feel more content with life Just because you do not yet have everything that you want in life; it does not mean that you should feel bad about your life. You can appreciate the good things while striving to make improvements where necessary. Sadly, we live in a society which conditions people to believe that if they do not have everything, they are failing. This can lead to a whole raft of issues including worry, anxiety and depression.

Those who practice daily gratitude learn to tell the difference between the need for improvement and failure. They are better able to enjoy the journey towards their desired life rather than just focusing on the destination. 8. You’ll exercise more Those who show a sense of thankfulness had higher reports of exercising more than those who weren’t keeping a gratitude journal. It is unsure what the reasons for this were but it may have been due to the increase in energy and enthusiasm. Alternatively, it could have been due to the fact that they had a greater appreciation for their life and so wanted to make the most of it. Either way, the end result is more exercise and better health which is a very desirable outcome. 9. Providing aid to others will come easier to you When you notice all the positive things surrounding you, you’ll reach out to help others more often. You will feel less threatened by others, knowing that their happiness does not take from your happiness. As you feel happier and more content, you will naturally want more people to share the experience. When your soul is flooded with light and positivity, you’ll feel more like being there for others. 10. Others are more willing to help you When you are someone who appreciates and practices gratitude, this comes across to other people. Think about this for a moment – if you did a favour for somebody and they didn’t show any gratitude, how likely would you be to help them again? You probably would help them next time but how often would it have to happen before you would think twice about offering assistance? People don’t do good thinks in order to be appreciated but everybody likes to know that others are grateful. If you had to choose between helping somebody who was grateful and somebody who wasn’t, you’d be more likely to choose the person who was grateful. Gratitude costs you nothing but can bring big rewards. 11. You’ll discover the life you truly want

As unusual as it may sound, the research about gratitude indicates that those who have thankfulness in their hearts are more likely to achieve their goals. As your thankfulness grows, your dream life is built. This shouldn’t really be a surprise. When you consider the 10 previous points and the benefits that they bring, it stands to reason that simply practicing gratitude on a daily basis can lead to an increased likelihood that you will achieve your goals. It is easy to get caught up in negativity. When you do, you quickly forget about the all the good things and good people in your life. This manipulates your perspective and causes you to believe that you are worse off than you actually are. When you practice gratitude, you open your eyes to the bounties that grace your world. You realise that while your life may be in need of some improvement, there is a lot that you can be grateful for. The realistic perspective that comes with practicing gratitude allows you to make effective decisions about your life, based on accurate information. When you do, you’ll live a more fulfilling life. Every one of these benefits will boost your self confidence.

Exercises for Living Confidently The Power of Asking Good Questions So much of our self-confidence lies in our ability to manage out emotional state and our focus. Tony Robbins is a master at this. He shares his techniques in his series of books and mp3's.

In Notes from a Friend, Robbins discusses the power of asking yourself good questions to put you in an empowered state. He tells the story of how he ran into a friend one day in New York. The friend was a prominent attorney who was upset because his business partner had just left the firm, taking many of the best clients with him. Robbins took the lawyer from a state of upset to a state where he was excited about the new possibilities this brought up for him. The man decided on the spot to move his office to Connecticut, which he had always wanted to do, and bring his son into the business with him. The lawyer was thrilled with these new prospects. All this came about through Tony Robbins asking a series of powerful, focused, state-changing questions.

In Notes from a Friend he reveals three sets of power questions. The first set, The Problem-Solving Questions, is designed to improve your state when focusing on problems.

Problem-Solving Questions 1. What is great about this problem? 2. What is not perfect yet? 3. What am I willing to do to make it the way I want it? 4. What am I willing to no longer do in order to make it the way I want it? 5. How can I enjoy the process while I do what is necessary to make it the way I want it?

Robbins gives us two more sets of questions, morning questions designed to make us feel good all day, and evening questions to end our days in a positive state:

Morning Questions 1. What am I happy about in my life right now? What about that makes me happy? 2. What am I excited about in my life right now? What about that makes me excited? How does that make me feel?

3. What am I proud of in my life right now? What about that makes me proud? How does that make me feel? 4. What am I grateful for in my life right now? What about that makes me grateful? How does that make me feel? 5. What am I enjoying most in my life right now? What about that do I enjoy? How does that make me feel? 6. What am I committed to in my life right now? What about that makes me committed? How does that make me feel? 7. Who do I love? Who loves me? What about that makes me loving? How does that make me feel?

Evening Questions 1. What have I given today? In what ways have I been a giver today? 2. What did I learn today? 3. How has today added to the quality of my life? How can I use today as an investment in my future?

Questions and Exercises to Build Self-Confidence Asking yourself focused, powerful questions or doing exercises can enhance your self-confidence as well. Each set of questions or exercises below

focuses on an area where you may need some work. Choose the questions in areas you need to master.

The Getting Clear Exercise Take a few minutes a day (5 -10 minutes) and write down all your thoughts, emotions, wishes and problems. Don't think about it before writing; just write about what naturally comes up. Don't worry about grammar or punctuation or sentence structure. Just write. At the end of your writing time, keep the paper, tear it up, or throw it away.

The point of the exercise is to bring up whatever is in your mind or just below the surface in order to clear all the obstacles and start fresh.

The Forgiveness Exercise Take a few quiet minutes and review your day. If there's anything you've judged yourself about, say to yourself, "I forgive myself for _________" and fill in the blank. Similarly, if there's something you've been judging another for, say to yourself, "I forgive _________(fill in the name) for __________.

The act of forgiving yourself and others has a remarkable, positive affect on your self-confidence.

The Relaxation/Visualisation Exercise Find a quiet place where you can relax. Close your eyes and visualise yourself happy with everything working out for you. Feel the feelings of succeeding.

Visualisation is a powerful tool for setting yourself up to succeed.

Freedom from Guilt Questions Answer these questions to find out how much guilt you have 1. What do you judge about yourself? 2. What does that mean to you? 3. What is it that you think you "should" do? 4. Is there anything you can do about that? 5. How can you resolve this in your own mind and heart?

Freedom from Resentment Questions

Answer these questions to find out how much resentment you have 1. What do you judge about others? 2. What do you tell yourself about them?

3. How "should" they behave differently? 4. Can you do anything to resolve the judgment inside you? 5. Can you be more loving toward them? If you answer these questions honestly, it is possible to resolve some of your guilt and resentment and move on toward greater inner freedom.

Trusting Yourself Exercise Take some time to think about the agreements you have made with yourself and others. Often, it's easier to make them than keep them. When you break these agreements for whatever reason, your self-esteem and trust in yourself suffers. Make only agreements that you plan to keep. Write them down. Honor them and renegotiate them when necessary. Are you keeping and honoring your agreements?

Exercise for Defining What You Want It's hard to get what you haven't acknowledged you want. Not knowing what you want leaves a vague uneasiness and feeling of lack. Focus on what you want by asking these questions: 1. What do you want that you don't have? 2. Why don't you have it?

3. What is the fear that's holding you back? 4. What's the worst that could happen if you go for it? 5. What's the best that could happen? 6. What's the next step you could take to move closer to what you want? The clearer you are about your goals, the more successful you will be, and the greater will be your self-confidence.

100 Get-You-Through-Anything Self-Confidence Builders It is truly astonishing that so many people from diverse walks of life and different centuries agree so significantly on the core definition of selfconfidence. From Herodotus, a historian born in 484 BC to prominent people today, these authors share their wisdom about self-confidence in their quotes. Enjoy them and remember them in the tough spots. It's possible; they just might get you through! 1. If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. -Henry David Thoreau 2. Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy. -Norman Vincent Peale 3. As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live. -Johann Von Goethe 4. It's so important to believe in yourself. Believe that you can do it, under any circumstances. Because if you believe you can, then you really will. That belief just keeps you searching for the answers, and then pretty soon you get it. -Wally "Famous" Amos 5. Search and you will find that at the base and birth of every great business organisation was an enthusiast, a man consumed with earnestness of purpose, with confidence in his powers, with faith in the worthwhileness of his endeavors. -BC Forbes 6. My mind to me a kingdom is. -Edward de Vere, Earl of Oxford

7. I've always seen myself as a winner, even as a kid. If I hadn't, I just might have gone down the drain a couple of times. I've got something inside of me, peasantlike and stubborn, and I'm in it 'til the end of the race. -Truman Capote 8. It is as proper to have pride in oneself as it is ridiculous to show it to others. -Francois de la Rochefoucauld 9. As is our confidence, so is our capacity. -William Hazlitt 10. Calm self-confidence is as far from conceit as the desire to earn a decent living is remote from greed. -Channing Pollock 11. Only so far as a man believes strongly, mightily, can he act cheerfully, or do anything worth doing. -Frederick W. Robertson 12. To have that sense of one's intrinsic worth which constitutes self-respect is potentially to have everything. -Joan Didion 13. Experience tells you what to do; confidence allows you to do it. -Stan Smith 14. Confidence is that feeling by which the mind embarks on great and honorable courses with a sure hope and trust in itself. -Cicero 15. If a man doesn't delight in himself and the force in him and feel that he and it are wonders, how is all life to become important to him? - Sherwood Anderson 16. Your success depends mainly upon what you think of yourself and whether you believe in yourself. -William JH Boetcker 17. Never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.

-Clementine Paddleford 18. They conquer who believe they can. -John Dryden 19. Immense power is acquired by assuring yourself in your secret reveries that you were born to control affairs. -Andrew Carnegie 20. Self-reverence, self-knowledge, self-control. These three alone lead to sovereign power. -Alfred, Lord Tennyson 21. Faith in oneself...is the best and safest course. -Michelangelo 22. There's one blessing only, the source and cornerstone of beatitude: confidence in self. -Marcus Annaeus Seneca 23. Self-respect will keep a man from being abject when he is in the power of enemies, and will enable him to feel that he may be in the right when the world is against him. -Bertrand Russell 24. Self-trust is the first secret of success. -Ralph Waldo Emerson 25. I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul. -William Ernest Henley 26. Once you get rid of the idea that you must please other people before you please yourself, and you begin to follow your own instincts--only then can you be successful. You become more satisfied, and when you are other people tend to be satisfied by what you do. -Raquel Welch 27. There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self-esteem, the more likely one will treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity.

People who do not experience self-love have little or no capacity to love others. -Nathaniel Branden 28. Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence. -Helen Keller 29. The way to develop self-confidence is to do the thing you fear and get a record of successful experiences behind you. -William Jennings Bryan 30. Class is an aura of confidence that is being sure without being cocky. Class has nothing to do with money. Class never runs scared. It is selfdiscipline and self-knowledge. It's the surefootedness that comes with having proved you can meet life. -Ann Landers 31. Confidence...is directness and courage in meeting the facts of life. -John Dewey 32. Measure yourself by your best moments, not by your worst. We are too prone to judge ourselves by our moments of despondency and depression. -Robert Johnson 33. "Glamour" is assurance. It is a kind of knowing that you are all right in every way, mentally and physically and in appearance, and that, whatever the occasion or the situation, you are equal to it. -Marlene Dietrich 34. Perhaps I am stronger than I think. -Thomas Merton 35. Nothing splendid has ever been achieved except by those who dared believe that something inside them was superior to circumstances. -Bruce Barton 36. I always thought I should be treated like a star. -Madonna

37. Real adulthood is the result of two qualities: self-discipline and selfreliance. The process of developing them together in balance is called maturing. -JW Jepson 38. He who would be well taken care of must take care of himself. -William Graham Sumner 39. The future is not in the hands of fate, but in ours. -Jules Jusserano 40. What pulls the strings is the force hidden within; there lies...the real man. -Marcus Aurelius 41. He who is plenteously provided for from within needs but little from without. -Johann von Goethe 42. I am not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my ship. -Louisa May Alcott 43. If you want a thing done, go; if not, send. -Benjamin Franklin 44. I have always regarded myself as the pillar of my life. -Meryl Streep 45. Do not rely completely on any other human being, however dear. We meet all of life's greatest tests alone. -Agnes MacPhail 46. If it is to be, it is up to me. -Anon 47. You've got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was. -Irish Proverb 48. The destiny of man is in his own soul. -Herodotus

49. Believe that with your feelings and your work you are taking part in the greatest; the more strongly you cultivate this belief, the more will reality and the world go forth from it. -Rainer Maria Rilke 50. There are three types of baseball players -- those who make it happen, those who watch it happen, and those who wonder what happened. -Tommy Lasorda 51. Only those means of security are good, are certain, are lasting, that depend on yourself and your own vigor. -Niccolo Machiavelli 52. There ain't nothing from the outside can lick any of us. -Margaret Mitchell 53. I've never met a person, I don't care what his condition, in whom I could not see possibilities. I don't care how much a man may consider himself a failure, I believe in him, for he can change the thing that is wrong in his life anytime he is prepared and ready to do it. Whenever he develops the desire, he can take away from his life the thing that is defeating it. The capacity for reformation and change lies within. -Preston Bradley 54. God, why do I storm heaven for answers that are already in my heart? Every grace I need has already been given me. Oh, lead me to the Beyond within. -Macrina Wieherkehr 55. Knowing that we can be loved exactly as we are gives us all the best opportunity for growing into the healthiest of people. - Fred Rogers 56. Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor. -Dr. Alexis Carrel 57. It is what you are inside that matters. You, yourself, are your only real capital.

-Vladimir Zworykin 58. Man is not the creature of circumstances, circumstances are the creature of man. We are free agents, and man is more powerful than matter. -Benjamin Disraeli 59. Up to a point a man's life is shaped by environment, heredity, and movements and changes in the world about him, then there comes a time when it lies within his grasp to shape the clay of his life into the sort of thing he wishes to be...Everyone has it within his power to say, this I am today, that I shall be tomorrow. -Louis L'Amour 60. Every time I start a picture...I feel the same fear, the same selfdoubts...and I have only one source on which I can draw, because it comes from within me. -Federico Fellini 61. It is our relationship to circumstances that determines their influence over us. The same wind that carries one vessel into port may blow another off shore. -Christian Bovee 62. There's only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that's your own self. -Aldous Huxley 63. Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands. -Anne Frank 64. A life of reaction is a life of slavery, intellectually and spiritually. One must fight for a life of action, not reaction. -Rita Mae Brown 65. I would not sit waiting for some value tomorrow, nor for something to happen. One could wait a lifetime....I would make something happen. -Louis L'Amour

66. Circumstances are the rulers of the weak; they are but the instruments of the wise. -Samuel Lover 67. You have to take it as it happens, but you should try to make it happen the way you want to take it. -Old German Proverb 68. Life is raw material. We are artisans. We can sculpt our existence into something beautiful, or debase it into ugliness. It's in our hands. -Cathy Better 69. Change and growth take place when a person has risked himself and dares to become involved with experimenting with his own life. -Herbert Otto 70. People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. The people who get on in this world are they who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them. -George Bernard Shaw 71. Things alter for the worse spontaneously, if they be not altered for the better designedly. -Francis Bacon 72. We are taught you must blame your father, your sisters, your brothers, the school, the teachers -- you can blame anyone, but never blame yourself. It's never your fault. But it's always your fault, because if you want to change, you're the one who has got to change. It's as simple as that, isn't it? -Katharine Hepburn 73. How much time he gains who does not look to see what his neighbor says or does or thinks, but only at what he does himself, to make it just and holy. -Marcus Aurelius 74. Be yourself and think for yourself; and while your conclusions may not be infallible, they will be nearer right than the conclusions forced upon you. -Elbert Hubbard

75. Though reading and conversation may furnish us with many ideas of men and things, our own meditation must form our judgment. -Isaac Watts 76. Each of us makes his own weather, determines the color of the skies in the emotional universe which he inhabits. -Fulton J. Sheen 77. I am responsible for my own well-being, my own happiness. The choices and decisions I make regarding my life directly influence the quality of my days. -Kathleen Andrus 78. Learn to depend upon yourself by doing things in accordance with your own way of thinking. -Grenville Kleiser 79. When I have been unhappy, I have heard an opera...and it seemed the shrieking of winds; when I am happy, a sparrow's chirp is delicious to me. But it is not the chirp that makes me happy, but I that make it sweet. -John Ruskin 80. Thinking is like loving and dying. Each of us must do it for himself. -Josiah Royce 81. Blame yourself if you have no branches or leaves, don't accuse the sun of partiality. -Chinese Proverb 82. Nothing can bring you peace but yourself. -Ralph Waldo Emerson 83. It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere. -Agnes Repplier 84. No one gives you joy or sorrow....We gather the consequences of our own deeds. -Garuda Purana

85. In the long run we shape our lives and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility. -Eleanor Roosevelt 86. Felicity, felicity...is quaffed out of a golden cup...the flavour is with you alone, and you can make it as intoxicating as you please. -Joseph Conrad 87. Some pursue happiness--others create it. -Anon 88. To be obliged to beg our daily happiness from others bespeaks a more lamentable poverty than that of him who begs his daily bread. -Charles Caleb Colton 89. To know what you prefer, instead of humbly saying Amen to what the world tells you that you ought to prefer, is to have kept your soul alive. -Robert Louis Stevenson 90. If, after all, men cannot always make history have a meaning, they can always act so that their own lives have one. -Albert Camus 91. Happiness belongs to those who are sufficient unto themselves. For all external sources of happiness and pleasure are, by their very nature, highly uncertain, precarious, ephemeral, and subject to chance. -Arthur Schopenhauer 92. Under normal periods, any man's success hinges about 5 percent on what others do for him and 95 percent on what he does. -James A. Worsham 93. No man will succeed unless he is steady to face and overcome difficulties and prepared to assume responsibilities. -William JH Boetcker 94. Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved. -William Jennings Bryan

95. I am my own heaven and hell! -JCF von Schiller 96. Every man is the architect of his own fortune. -Sallust 97. A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds. -Francis Bacon 98. If people are suffering, then they must look within themselves....Happiness is not something readymade [Buddha] can give you. It comes from your own actions. -The Dalai Lama 99. Man is still responsible....His success lies not with the stars, but with himself. He must carry on the fight of self-correction and discipline. -Frank Curtis Williams 100. To character and success, two things, contradictory as they may seem, must go together--humble dependence and manly independence; humble dependence on God and manly reliance on self. -William Wordsworth

20 Affirmations to Increase Self-Confidence 1. I give thanks for everything I am and everything I have. 2. Where I am right now is exactly where I need to be. 3. I have everything I need inside of me to achieve my dreams. 4. I am powerful beyond measure. 5. I will love myself and enjoy my life today. 6. I will manifest my true beauty and express my unique gifts. 7. I have infinite possibilities in this moment. 8. I am intelligent, wise, and loving. 9. I am constantly open to new ways and methods for my greatest good. 10. I am totally self-confident. I have no fears or regrets. 11. I am physically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy. 12. I am capable to deal with every area of my life. 13. I have the ability to produce the desires of my heart. 14. I am aware that everyone is a potential channel for good in my life. 15. I have limitless capacity to be. 16. I know what I need to know at the moment I need to know it. 17. My consciousness is filled with bliss and harmony. 18. My purpose is to give, to love, and to serve. 19. I am ready to receive the miracles that will come my way. 20. I conceive it, I believe it, I achieve it.

Conclusion There you have it! The mysteries of self-confidence explained. I hope they sound doable to you. You have explanations and definitions, quotations, exercises and affirmations. Here's hoping you find powerful self-confidence and a fulfilling life in which you achieve your cherished dreams.

Further information About Coaching Positive Performance Coaching Positive Performance is a Stress and Performance coaching organisation which assists organisations and individuals to transform their potential into the results they desire while remaining true to their values, purpose and identity. We do this by helping our clients to identify sources of stress and develop strategies to eliminate them (where possible), or to manage them. We then help them to create a clear vision of what they want to achieve, create an action plan for its achievement, and develop the knowledge and skills necessary to successfully implement that plan. This allows both individuals and organisations to maximise their performance and improve their health, wealth and happiness.

About Carthage Buckley Carthage Buckley is an experienced and enthusiastic learning and development professional with extensive coaching, mentoring and motivational skills and a proven ability to empower others enabling them to achieve their full potential. Carthage holds a B.A, Accounting and Human Resource Management from the National College of Ireland and a Masters of Education in the Psychology of Education from the University of Bristol, He has worked in Training & Development and Coaching in the numerous countries including Ireland, Australia, New Zealand and the United Kingdom. People call Carthage when they need to improve personal, professional or business performance. He typically works with them to help them:

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Align business goals and employee performance Plan, develop and manage careers Improve relationship management skills Develop goals and action plans Identify and nurture new talent Assess potential employees Manage change Increase personal and interpersonal effectiveness. Grow the capabilities of their team