TV

TVs and Toasters  At one point in history, history, everyone in town town made a big deal deal about some some guy who had a toaster. "Wow! Johnson has a technological device known as a toaster!  You put two slices of bread in in there, and bam!--15 hours hours later, you've you've got two slices of toast! I'm gonna mortgage my home and my wife, and get my own toaster." Then TVs were invented. "Holy mackerel! Johnson has a television! Let's make him mayor." And in 1952, everyone said, "Eisenhower has HBO. Let's make him President." Decades ago, Johnson would turn on his clunky, zero definition 14" black and  white TV, flip over over to the only channel on the air at 7 pm, and watch watch some guy  guy  shovel snow for three hours. And he'd call out to his wife, "Honey. Bring over some popcorn. They're showing bonus of coverage of the snow!" But today, we're only willing to put up with two seconds of HD snow, and only  if there are eight camera cuts during those two seconds, and there's music in the background, and a reality TV star is offering commentary commentary on the snow. "Sometimes I like snow, but sometimes I don't." And people go to their  basements, look look at their old, outdated TVs, and yell at at one, "I paid $1400 for  you, you worthless worthless piece of shit! shit! Why don't you lose some weight weight and become become a flat screen!" In 2008, John McCain fell behind Obama in the polls, because he kept on telling us, "Everyone--take a look at my toaster!" Then he tried to change his image to a hip, modern guy--but he kind of messed it up. "Everyone, take a look at my young, attractive, female running mate, Sarah Palin. We had her over at our home this morning for breakfast. And we made toast on my  toaster." Then he tried again. "Everyone, take a look at my new iPhone. I'm gonna use it to make toast." TVs have become way more complex over time. They used to just be, "Turn it on. Flip through the channels. The End." But nowadays, they're more like, "You want to watch TV? Press Input. No--you're using the wrong remote. Get  your TV remote, TV remote, and press Input. But don't select TV. Select HDMI 1. You  want to watch Matlock? Press Press Menu. No--you're No--you're using the wrong wrong remote. remote. Use

 your cable box remote. box remote. Oh--you want to watch a Matlock DVD? Press Input. No--you're using the wrong remote. And the wrong TV . And you're in the  wrong house. With With the wrong wrong wife. You have have a Sony and you're married to to Jenny--not a Samsung and a wife named Joanie. You live on Sonysung Street in Springfield, Missouri--not Streetysung Road in Springfield, Springfield, Massachusetts. Holy shit you're lost! Put down all of your remotes, go 1300 miles southwest, kiss your wife Jenny, get your TV remote, remote, press Input, select HDMI 3, put  your Matlock DVD in the player, player, sit down, take take a sip of your beer, and press press play. No--you're using the wrong remote. You know what? Fuck Matlock. Go read a book or eat a piece of fruit." Some people have to call tech support and ask, "How do I turn on my TV?" Sometimes the caller has a cable box remote, and he needs to find a missing TV remote. Ten minutes into his scavenger hunt, hunt, his wife walks into the room and says, "Honey--I'm in labor," and he replies, "OK--I'll meet you at the hospital after I find the remote and turn on the TV." He finds the remote a half  hour later-and he's so sweaty and out of breath, the tech support guy ends up coaching him on Lamaze breathing. breathing. "OK, sir. Press Input while you're  breathing in, and select HDMI1 HDMI1 while you're you're breathing breathing out."  When you're on the phone phone with a tech tech support guy, guy, he knows so much more more than you, that you become willing to do whatever he says--like he's your cult leader. [Support:] [Support:] "OK, sir. While holding down the Power button on your Cable Box remote, use your other hand to hold down the SAP button on your TV set, put your left foot on yellow, Simon says put your right foot in a bowl of  milk. [Customer:] "Should I use whole milk or lowfat?" [Support:] "Sir--that depends. Is your Tivo HD compatible?"  And these days, days, sometimes people people have have conversations conversations like this: [Person [Person 1:] "What did you do yesterday?" [Person 2:] "Well, I went to Santa Barbara with the wife. We saw that new Tom Hanks movie. We went rollerblading for an hour. And we ate some fresh halibut from that restaurant my cousin owns.  What did you do do yesterday?" [Person [Person 1:] "Uh, well, well, I turned on my TV. It took  took  eleven hours. And then I watched TV for five hours. And then my wife came home with a baby boy. We named him Matlock." Not only have TVs become more common and complex over time, their programming has changed a lot.

On Leave On Leave it to Beaver Beaver,, every episode has some sort of a moral. But on Two and a Half Men, Men, only 10% of the episodes have a moral. And that moral is, "Dude--if you have money, you should hire a prostitute." Here's a better example of TV changing. On Friends On  Friends,, there's one episode  where Chandler Chandler lights a cigarette, cigarette, and and everyone else else immediately immediately checks checks him into rehab. But on I on I Love Lucy, Lucy, the characters smoke 18.7% of the time they're on screen. In one episode, Little Ricky says, "Mommy--can I have dessert?"  And then Lucy Lucy replies, "Not until you've eaten eaten your mashed mashed potatoes potatoes and smoked your cigarettes." Then she puts a cigarette in his mouth, lights it up, and says to the camera, "Philip Morris cigarettes. cigarettes. Mild, mellow, and loaded  with love, vitamins, vitamins, meat, vegetables, vegetables, and and minerals. Every Every day, I make make sure Little Ricky smokes two and a half packs." Nowadays, there's there's no smoking on TV, or in PG or PG-13 movies. movies. Smoking is rated R. But murder is PG. Unless, of course, a smoker gets murdered. That lowers the rating to G. After all, kids need to see smokers dying. Have you seen that new children's movie about a vegan superhero who drives a hybrid, and goes around town ripping out the lungs of smokers? He also runs a "cigarette " cigarettess for guns" program. Bring in a pack of Marlboros, walk away with a rifle. Bring in a carton of Marlboros, walk away with a an AK-47. And a bowl of raw, vegan soup. The media has gone from pro-cigarette to anti-cigarette. The same thing happened with chest hair. At one point, the media showed hairy chests on Three's Company, Company, Magnum PI , Reading Rainbow Rainbow,, and of course, Alec Baldwin. In 1990, a Hollywood executive told his employees, "This year, Alec Baldwin's bare chest is gonna play the lead in all of our movies. Like our remake of Gandhi  of Gandhi . We'll make it so that Alec's chest hair wins India its independence." Five years later, Alec said to James Lipton, "When I watched that bedroom scene in Gandhi  where I take take off my shirt, shirt, put it back on, and then take it off again, that's when I knew I was a great actor." But today's actors must have smooth chests or keep a shirt on at all times.  When Brad Pitt Pitt tried to bring back back the hairy hairy chest in 2007, 2007, people acted acted like he pulled out a cigarette and sforced his son Maddox to start smoking it. But again, movies and TV shows have changed a lot. Even recently. Look at TLC, or The Learning Channel. Starting in the early 90s, any time they made their shows a little less educational, their ratings went up 3%. And yesterday, y esterday,

their head of programming told their CEO, "OK. Now all of our shows are completely uneducational from top to bottom. According to our research, if we  want to increase increase our ratings again, again, we need to suck education education out of people's people's  brains by showing them them a guy named named JT tipping tipping over a medium medium brown cow   while hitting himself himself in the the head with a yellow hammer hammer and yelling yelling at his daughter Luannafanna for drinking all of his best whiskey. We'll also have a show where we waterboard our Vice President for having a Harvard degree. [Alternate: We'll also have a show where you guys waterboard me for having a Harvard degree.]"  A lot of channels channels have increased increased their ratings ratings by not doing what what they first set set out to do. Yesterday, I flipped through the channels for an hour--and on TLC, a four year in Texas got a makeover; on MTV, a 24 year old in Jersey got a spray on tan; on the Biography Channel, a redneck in Alabama made a cheese sandwich for a ghost living in his trailer; and on the Disney Channel, the Hernandez family won 10,000 pesos on El Salvadorian Family Feud. Nowadays, a lot of channels focus in on the latest TV craze: reality shows. I have an idea for a reality show where a bunch of librarians trade places with a biker gang for two weeks. I call the show This show  This is Fucking Stupid. Don't  Watch It . Reality shows are best known for introducing us to one Kimbelry Kardashian of Los Angeles, California. Barack Obama has three siblings, and only a million Americans even know their names. Kim Kardashian has nine siblings, and 50 million teens and preteens know what they put in their Chipotle  burrito last Wednesday. Wednesday. Kim Kardashia Kardashian n is so famous, that that she made every  member of her family famous by extension. Khloe Kardashian is a celebrity. Rob Kardashian is a celebrity. George Obama is a baggage handler. Whenever a paparazzi photographer sees George Obama, he says, "Get out of the way! I'm trying to take a picture of Jose Kardashian." [George Obama:] "But I'm Barack Obama's brother." [Paparazzi:] "Good! After I'm done taking pictures of Jose, remind me to kick your ass for being a worthless nobody! Go back to Kenya before we take you down to the E! Network studios and waterboard  you!"  America has chosen chosen the Kardashians Kardashians over over the Obamas. Obamas. Every morning, morning, all students recite this pledge of allegiance at school: "I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands,

one Nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty, Kim, Kourtney, Khloe, Rob, Kendall, Kylie, Cassandra, Burton, Brandon, Brody, Jose, and justice for all. New episodes on Sundays, at 9 o'clock, 8 central. Only on E!"  And then of course, course, there's there's Paris Hilton's Hilton's reality show on on channel 970 970 from 3:30 to 3:35 am. On the last episode, Paris called her publicist and said, "This is bullshit! I'm less famous than Kim Kardashian's Kardashian's third cousin, Billy Bob Kardashian! And when I Google 'Paris,' all of the results are about some stupid city in France." On the fame hierarchy, President Obama doesn't rank as high as Kim Kardashian. And on the power hierarchy, he doesn't rank as high as Oprah  Winfrey. In fact, fact, Oprah's the the one who got Obama elected. elected. She She promoted promoted him  back during the the election, and and she basically basically made him him President instead instead of  Hilary Clinton or John McCain. It's like Oprah has 200 electoral votes. Nowadays, if you want to become President, President, you really need to win Florida, Ohio, and Oprah. Once we added Oprah to the system, we lost all of those check and balance thingies. Remember those? We need an amendment that limits Oprah's power. And we need to let our Senators vote anonmyously on that amendment. Otherwise they'll think, "If I vote yes on the anti-Oprah amendment, Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz will show up at my office and beat my ass."  Any time Oprah Oprah says she likes likes something, something, millions of people people throw a parade. One day they're singing, "Oprah likes Obama." And another day, it's, "Oprah likes pancakes." You know those parents who are obsessed with their kids and almost everything they do? Even they don't go that far. [Mother:] "Oh-Johnny likes Obama and pancakes? I don't give a shit. I'm trying to watch Oprah. ... Oh--Oprah likes cupcakes? Let's throw a parade. 'Oprah likes cupcakes.'" Oprah can make any book a bestseller, just by spending five seconds recommending it. And if she puts out an autobiography, it'll become the best seller of all time--even if the title is  Mein Kampf  Kampf . What'll happen if Oprah starts drinking her urine? I can just imagine millions of people watching Oprah, Dr. Oz, and Dr. Phil, reading Oprah's Mein Oprah's Mein Kampf , drinking Oprah's urine, and throwing seven parades a day. "Oprah took a piss / Oprah took a piss." Some TV shows entertain you. Some educate you. Some do both. And some do neither. Like the local news.

This is what you get when you watch the local news: "It's hot today. Wear a Tshirt, instead of a wool winter jacket. Also, according to the internet, it's going to be hot again tomorrow. And since weather is so fascinating, we're going to mention how it's hot in Hawaii and cold in Cleveland." "Britney Spears bought new shoes." "This company went bankrupt." "Britney Spears put on her new  shoes." "Did we mention that it's going to be hot tomorrow?" "Some new  horseshit movie about vampires was just released. You should go see it, you dumb idiot." "According to a new study, eating fruits and vegetable is better than eating donuts and Doritos." "Everyone wants to kill you." "According to a new study, my ear itches." "Don't forget about the weather." "Santa Barbara  just changed its dog poop laws. laws. Now, you can can only leave your dog's poop poop on the ground for 85 seconds, and not 80 seconds. This is fascinating stuff. Everyone take notes." "The weather. You need to know about the weather." "Brad Pitt." "Weather." "Weather." "Jennifer Anniston." "Weather." "Q-tips." "Weather." "Weather." "Weather." "Weather." "Holy shit! Britney Spears is engaged! And by the way-it's gonna be hot tomorrow!"  Why do people people watch watch the news? Some Some of them them are drawn drawn in by those teasers teasers the news uses. "Did Taylor Swift die of a drug overdose after robbing a bank  and calling someone the n-word? You're gonna find that shit out later on  Action Five News--even News--even though though you want want to watch Family watch Family Matters Matters on channel 47. You're not going anywhere, buddy. After all, Taylor Swift." Then, 55 minutes into the program, "Did Taylor Swift die of a drug overdose after robbing a bank anc calling someone the n-word? Not quite. But she did get home last night at 3 AM. That's pretty late. And she was wearing a lot of  makeup. She should wear less makeup. ... OK. Thanks for tuning in to Action Five News. We'll see you tomorrow." Some people are very eager to tell you that they don't watch TV. "Did I  watch Dancing  watch Dancing with with the Stars last night? No. I don't have a TV in my home. In the space where you have a TV, I have a magenta wall that I stare at for an hour a day, while I think about Immanuel Kant, Walt Whitman, dandelions, and recycled orange peels. The other day, I drew a Venn diagram on my wall. One circle represents people who watch TV. The other circle represents people  who are fucking fucking idiots. The two two circles overlap overlap 99.9%. 99.9%. I don't need need TV. I have have an interesting, fulfilling life. Instead of watching the E! Network to see if Kim Kardashian plucked her eyebrows, I'm going to go outside and suck out all the marrow of life. That's a Walden reference. Walden is a book, by the way- you Dancing  you Dancing with with the Stars watching waste of space. There's only one TV 

show I would watch. A reality show where they take people who  watch Dancing  watch Dancing with with the Stars, Stars, and beat them over the head with hardcover copies of Walden of Walden." ." Sometimes TV itself insults you. On weekday afternoons, there are always a  bunch of commercials commercials for educational educational programs. They're They're like, like, "Look at you.  You're sitting at home watching watching Judge  Judge Judy Judy--as usual. Big surprise! Uh-here's a suggestion. Take a shower, and get a job." Then you see commercials commercials for Pop Tarts, Budweiser, and Aladdin Bail Bonds. It's like they're saying, "Listen, you fat, alcoholic criminal. Instead of watching Judge watching Judge Judy Judy and sticking another Pop Tart in the toaster, how about you put your toaster in the  bathtub and kill yourself?" yourself?" Some daytime talk shows constantly ask you who you are. Before and after a commercial commercial break, they ask you a different question, like, "Are you a fat, alcoholic criminal dating dating a stripper you once handcuffed handcuffed to a bike rack? If so,  we want you on our our show." It's like like a game of Bingo. Some people people hear hear that that and say, "Fat-18, Stripper-28, bike rack-53. Bingo! That's me! I got to call up Jerry." Sometimes after Maury Povich tells one of his guests, "According to the DNA  test, you are the father," the guy offers a counterargument. "Listen, Maury. My  friend Ron has a daughter who loves oranges--and oranges--and Ron also loves oranges. My  cousin Tony has a son who loves cucumbers--and Tony also loves cucumbers. My so-called daughter loves split peas. Look at the split pea evidence, Maury. Pick up the phone, call Safeway, and ask them if I've ever bought a split pea, a regular pea, a teepee, or any other pea. Check all of my records--and you'll find ten misdemeanors, zero peas, and one felony. That little girl is not my  daughter." I think Maury's show is very educational. I know I've learned a lot from it. Here's one of the main lessons: Not only is truth stranger than fiction, it's also having an affair with fiction's best friend. But don't blame truth. Maybe if  fiction actually treated truth decently and paid it some attention, it wouldn't have to get what it needs somewhere else. The most educational show on TV is Jeopardy is Jeopardy.. Because it makes you learn about how arrogant you are. Any time you know something, you think, "Yes! I'm a genius. This confirms it! After all, I'm the only one who knew that Christina Aguilera is half-Ecuadorian. Becker, Emily, and Kent didn't know 

that." And any time the contestants know something that you don't, you think, "Only someone with no life would know that E equals MC squared. I live an actual life. I go to the beach, and Christina Aguilera concerts. Becker, Emily, and Kent spend all day reading books. I don't. It's been five years since s ince I've even looked at a book!" The other day, I saw an interview where Judge Judy was asked how she  became a court court show host, and and the highest highest paid person person on TV. And she she said, "Well--I spent the first 25 years of my marriage letting my husband know what a dumb son of a bitch he is. And then I thought, 'I'm really good at this. I should do it professionally. In court. On TV. For $50 million a year.'" Even though I don't hablo that much espanol, I watch a lot of Spanish soap operas--purely operas--purely for the overdramatic overdramatic everything. One guy says, s ays, "Why are you so upset? She's only three minutes late." And the other guy responds, "¡What do  you mean 'why!' 'why!' ¡You know damn damn well why! why! ¡Look at our script! ¡We've ¡We've got double exclamation exclamation points! ¡ Before  Before a sentence, after a sentence! ¡Dos! ¡Dos puntos de exclamation!" exclamation!"  A few days ago, I saw saw a show called called The Talk. Talk. It's basically just a copy of The of The View. View. I wonder how they pitched that show to the network. Someone said, "It's a lot like The View. View. Except, you know how The how  The View is really shitty? Well, our show is gonna be even shittier. I think that's what TV is missing. That's  what the American public public needs. A shittier shittier version of The of The View, View, starring people who are even more annoying than Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar. That's gonna make us a lot of money. And as an added bonus, if it really takes off, it'll lead to the complete destruction of society." Remember when Bob Saget was on Full on  Full House and America's and America's Funniest Funniest Home Videos? Videos? How come he didn't get his ass kicked 10 or 20 times a day? Did people come across him and say to each other, "There's that son of a bitch on Full on Full House and America's and America's Funniest Home Home Videos. Videos. You know what? Let's not kick not kick his ass." I still want to kick his ass--and ass --and he hasn't hasn't been on TV in  years. I actually watch a lot of  Full  Full House. House. But I change the channel right before everything is resolved during an episode's last five minutes. Stephanie is still mad at DJ, Michelle's new pet mule is eating everything in the backyard, Uncle Jesse is naked and handcuffed to his ex-girlfriend's toilet pipe, and Danny is shooting heroin with Kimmy Gibbler.

 What is it like for for Ray Romano's Romano's wife when she she gets in a fight fight with him, him, and then she flips through the channels afterwards and sees Everybody sees  Everybody Loves Loves  Raymond on  Raymond on channels 5, 13, 20, and 28? She thinks, "Everybody loves Raymond? I beg to differ. Not everyone loves that son of a bitch. Otherwise, he  wouldn't be sleeping sleeping on the couch couch tonight." tonight." One thing I can't stand about sitcoms is the how the audience's laughter is anonymous. I mean, if some guy's not laughing at the parts I find funny, or laughing at the parts I don't find funny, I want to know who he is. That's why I attend live tapings of sitcoms. Then I follow some guy home, I get out of my  car with my baseball bat, and I tell him, "How the hell did you not laugh when Koothrappali made that curry masala joke about Sheldon's hat?! That was freakin' hilarious! You have a terrible sense of humor. Give me your wallet!"  And then I track track down Kim Kardashian Kardashian and and tell her, "You're crazy crazy for taking Khloe's side over Khourtney's! Give me your purse!" How come the average sitcom contains 15 white people, 2 black people, and 1 other person; while the average sociology textbook has pictures of 3  Americans, 38 Peruvians, 125 Ugandans, Ugandans, and 1500 1500 Indonesians? Even in a textbook on US History, there are two pictures of George Washington, and five pictures of an Indonesian woman named Whulandary. Textbook editors should have veto power over TV networks--so we'll have some diversity on TV. " Mike & Molly? Molly? No. Miguel No. Miguel y Whulandary Whulandary.. Sesame Street ? Uh Uh. Cesar Chavez Avenue." Avenue." I moved into a new apartment a few months ago, and I did some research online to see if I should get TV service from Time Warner Cable, DirectTV, or DISH Network. And it turns out at they're the three most hated companies in  world history. They They pretty much much form the the TV Axis of Evil. Evil. I went through through some reviews of Time Warner Cable, and I thought, "Everyone hates them. I gotta use someone else." And then the same thing happened with DirectTV and DISH Network. So here's what I did: I picked up my TV, and threw it off my   balcony. Actually, Actually, here's what what I did: I watched watched TV through through an an antenna--the same way our ancestors did when they got off of the Mayflower. No guide, no DVR, not that many channels. And for some reason, I had to use a hand crank  to power the TV, and I had to use a butter churner to colorize it. But later, I gave in, and ordered service from a company in the Axis of Evil. They told me they'd come over and install everything at some point between 10 am and 2 pm. And of course, I said, "Actually--I'm gonna be pretty busy that day. Can

 you make it between between 8 am and 4 pm? pm? Or better yet, just sell your your company to someone who isn't a complete piece of shit--and then he'll send someone over to my house when I get home from work at 7 pm."