The Top 25 NLP Coaching Tips - Jamie Smart

The Top 25 NLP Coaching Tips

Jamie Smart

www.saladltd.co.uk 2008 Jamie Smart

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Contents Changing the Frame - Part One............................................................................3 Changing the Frame - Part Two ...........................................................................5 Power Chunking.................................................................................................7 Rapid Belief Change..........................................................................................10 Coaching Language Magic – Part One..................................................................12 Coaching Language Magic – Part Two................................................................. 14 Coaching Language Magic – Part Three............................................................... 16 Coaching Language Magic – Part Four.................................................................18 How To Get Your Message Heard .......................................................................20 Connecting with Rapport ..................................................................................23 The Power of Beliefs.........................................................................................26 How to Get What You Want – Part One............................................................... 29 How to Get What You Want – Part Two............................................................... 31 The Magic Minute - Part One..............................................................................33 The Magic Minute - Part Two - Your Key for Cracking the Unconscious Code............ 35 The Magic Minute - Part Three - Literal Magic with NLP..........................................37 Hypnotic Language in Action - How To Use Conversational Timelines...................... 40 The Hidden Power of Meaning............................................................................43 Secrets of NLP Coaching - Part One – Instant Rapport Through Language............... 45 Secrets of NLP Coaching - Part Two - Instant Rapport Through State...................... 47 Secrets of NLP Coaching – Part Three – How to Get Leverage for Rapid Change....... 49 Secrets of NLP Coaching - Part Four – Your Most Powerful Coaching Tools.............. 51 Secrets of NLP Coaching – Part Five – The Information-Gathering Frame.................53 Secrets of NLP Coaching - Part Six - How To Ask Questions with Purpose................ 55 Secrets of NLP Coaching – Part Seven – The Magic Minute and How You Can Use It. 57 More Information............................................................................................. 59 About the Author..............................................................................................62 Acknowledgements...........................................................................................62

www.saladltd.co.uk 2008 Jamie Smart

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Changing the Frame - Part One I’m going to tell you about one of the most powerful approaches for changing people’s minds that there is – reframing! I once worked for a company that was having a large & expensive new computer system installed. The system was put in before Christmas, but it was a massive task, with numerous issues & overruns. As Christmas approached, there were still a number of teething problems, which led to stretched relations between the system supplier & the client company. At one meeting, the client manager involved had been trying to get more persondays from the system supplier, only to be told that their people weren’t going to be available on Christmas day. The client manager was furious, asking “What are you doing that’s more important than sorting out our system!?” Without missing a beat, the system supplier said “Delivering toys to sick children.” The impact was immediate; everyone in the room started laughing & the client manager joined them, realising that he’d perhaps been a bit unreasonable. Everyone knew that the toy story wasn’t true, but that didn’t matter – the statement (albeit in dubious taste) had changed his perception of the situation, instantly, & he started behaving more reasonably. Changing the context There used to be an ad for the Guardian newspaper, which showed a set of still photographs arranged in an action sequence. The photographs showed a burly man with a shaved head, wearing denims & boots, running along the pavement. In the first frame you see him running towards an elderly woman; in the second frame, you watch as he knocks her violently into the street; in the third frame you see him make his escape, another thug terrorising the elderly. Then you turn the page, & see some wide angle shots. In the wide-angle shots, you see the woman walking under a scaffolding where a cement mixer is about to topple off. A quick-thinking man sees what’s happening & runs towards the woman, pushing her clear of the scaffolding. A moment later, the cement mixer crashes to the ground in the spot where she was standing. The ‘thug’ has saved her life. By changing the frame, whoever created the advert had changed the context of the man’s actions. Suddenly, what was ‘obviously’ criminal became altruistic. His actions were transformed in a moment. One of the presuppositions of NLP is that every behaviour is useful or valuable in some context. It’s simply a matter of finding the context that makes it useful. This is a process referred to as context reframing. Every behaviour is useful in the right context For any behaviour, no matter how bizarre, it’s possible to find a context where it’s useful. Once you find such a context, the simple fact of presenting the behaviour in that context can reframe it.

www.saladltd.co.uk 2008 Jamie Smart

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1)

Identify a complaint, either about yourself or someone else, with the structure “I’m too [x].” or “She’s too [y].” (Eg. “I’m too impatient”, “He’s too lazy.”, “She’s too noisy.”)

2)

Ask yourself “In what contexts would the characteristic being complained about have value?”

3)

Come up with several answers to this question, and then craft it into a ‘reframe’.

For example: “I’m too impatient” • “I bet you’re quick-thinking in an emergency.” “She’s too noisy” • “She’d be good to have around if we were trying to scare bears away.” “He’s too lazy” • “We’ve had so many problems with ‘fools rushing in’ it’s good to have someone who’s not going to act first & think later.” Now, I know these are a bit crap, but they don’t have to be that useful at this stage; it’s more important that you give yourself the freedom to be creative so your brain gets the pattern of what you’re doing. 4)

Come up with reframes for any complaints that you (or others) have about yourself. This can be a lot of fun if you do it with someone else. (ie. you say “I’m too [x]” then they generate reframes.)

When reframing something someone says, rapport is important (otherwise reframing can seem like a very focused & deliberate attempt to annoy someone.) 5)

Once you get the hang of it, start looking for opportunities to use context reframing each day (start with low-risk ones.)

Business Essentials: One of the most powerful ways to use reframing is when people have objections (whether you’re selling a product, a service, an idea, or yourself.) When you reframe someone’s objection, you can remove or alter its power. I once heard the objection “I’m worried – What if I train my people and then they leave.” The response: “Even worse, what if you don’t train your people and they stay.” When you find a way to change the context of someone’s objection, it alters the way they perceive it. This can be an extremely effective way to eliminate objections entirely. 6)

List the objections you get most frequently & generate a number of context reframes for each one. Then, look forward with a sense of anticipation to the next time someone offers that objection. Remember rapport!

www.saladltd.co.uk 2008 Jamie Smart

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Changing the Frame - Part Two In Part One, I talked about how you can use ‘context reframing’ to change someone’s perceptions. In fact, Jon Parry-McCulloch sent in this great example: “My dad was 80 last April. A neighbour said to him "So, what's it like waking up on your 80th birthday, Jack?" To which dad replied "Better than not waking up on your 80'th birthday". In this part, we’ll be playing with ‘content reframing.’ If a footballer kicks the ball into his team’s net, it’s called an “own goal”, but if a soldier accidentally shoots one of his fellow soldiers, it’s called “friendly fire” (Sounds kind of cuddly, doesn’t it? But don’t get any onya.) George Orwell’s 1984 had plenty of examples of content reframing (eg. the ministries of peace & truth) that live on today in many forms (a peacekeeper missile, anyone?) Content reframing involves changing the meaning of something. 1)

Identify a complaint a complaint or issue with the structure “I feel [X] when [Y] happens.” (Eg. “I feel annoyed when he argues with me” or “I feel frustrated when I make mistakes”)

2)

Ask yourself “What else could this (Y) mean?”, “What else could this (X) mean?” or “What else could this situation mean?”

3)

Come up with several answers to these, and then craft a ‘reframe’.

For example: “I feel upset when I see the mess these kids have made”  “It’s good that they can be ‘in the moment’ without worrying about a few things being out of place.”  “A little untidiness is a small price to pay for happy children.”  “The fact that it’s messy means they’re expressing their creativity.” Obviously, if you were to offer these reframes to someone who’s in annoyed or frustrated state, it would be a good idea to get in rapport with them first, & choose your words carefully. Like last week, these aren’t the most amazing reframes in the world, but they don’t have to be that useful at this stage; it’s more important that you give yourself the freedom to be creative so your brain gets the pattern of what you’re doing. 4)

Come up with reframes for any complaints or issues that you can identify for yourself or others. This can be a lot of fun if you take turns doing it with someone else. (ie. you say “I feel [X] when [Y] happens” then they generate reframes.)

5)

Once you get the hang of it, start looking for opportunities to use content reframing each day.

www.saladltd.co.uk 2008 Jamie Smart

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Business Essentials: Content reframing is also very powerful for dealing with objections of all sorts. For example, a reframe I sometimes use when someone objects to the price of training is to say something like this: “Is it price that’s important to you, or are you more interested in i*n*v*e*s*t*m*e*n*t. See, if you pay a low price for poor quality training, the cost is high, because you’ve paid out & haven’t got the result. But when you pay a premium price for top quality training, & it gets you the results you want, then all you need to do is confirm that this i*n*v*e*s*t*m*e*n*t makes sense.” Yes, with me reframing is one of my main tools in dealing with any objections that come up. 6)

List the objections you get most frequently & generate a number of content reframes for each one (if you did this last week for context reframing, you can use the same list). Then, look forward with a sense of anticipation to the next time someone offers that objection. Remember rapport!

www.saladltd.co.uk 2008 Jamie Smart

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Power Chunking One of the ‘old chestnuts’ of NLP is the famous 7 plus or minus 2 rule – the idea that the conscious mind can only keep track of between 5 & 9 discrete pieces of information at one time. Your unconscious can keep track of bujillions of things simultaneously (apparently), while your conscious mind is more step-by-step, & has a fairly narrow focus. (By the way, this isn’t necessarily true, but it can be a useful way of thinking about things.) Here are a few things you can do to test the extent of your conscious mind: Without writing them down… -

Name as many chocolate bars as you can Name as many TV shows as you can Name as many pop groups (or classical composers) as you can

Many people run out of steam when they get to ten, ostensibly because of the 7+-2 rule. The bottom line is, when the conscious mind is presented with more than 9 pieces of information, it gets overloaded. So before you send me a rude email telling me off for pointing out the limits of the conscious mind, would you like to know how you can use this to your advantage? When you bear the 7+-2 rule in mind, you can start to organise things so that you work with your conscious mind, playing to its strengths. For instance, if you have a to-do list.

Take control of your to-do list Many people have a to-do list with 20 or more items on it. This is a recipe for total overwhelm (at which point they resort to looking for the easiest or funnest thing on the list to do.) The following process can help you get a handle on your to-do list really fast: 1)

Scan through the list, looking for items that can be grouped together into categories.

For example, here’s a bunch of the stuff on my list for this week: Write NLP tip Bank cheques Finish writing training manuals Prepare for client meeting Write marketing info Final preparation for new course Collect training manuals Read business book Run invoicing process Make follow-up calls Prepare for teambuilding session Write marketing material Read new web-page copy Book training course for me Review new CD covers Meet PR people www.saladltd.co.uk 2008 Jamie Smart

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Do proposal Read e-book New course blurb Meet with prospective administrator Clear inbox The first thing on the list is ‘Write NLP Tip’ – for me, the NLP tip is one of my products, so I write ‘Product’ beside it. Next is ‘Bank Cheques’ – that’s part of our cashflow system, so I write ‘Systems’ beside it. Pretty soon, every item on my list is in a category: Write NLP tip Bank cheques Finish writing training manuals Prepare for client meeting Write marketing info Final preparation for new course Collect training manuals Read business book Run invoicing process Make follow-up calls Prepare for teambuilding session Write marketing material Read new web-page copy Book training course for me Review new CD covers Meet PR people Do proposal Read e-book New course blurb Meet with prospective administrator Clear inbox

Product Systems Training Marketing Marketing Training Training Leadership Systems Marketing Training Marketing Marketing People Products Marketing Marketing Products Marketing Systems Systems

Great! I’ve gone from a list of 21 items (instant overwhelm) to a list of 6 categories (manageably within my 7+-2 limit.) -

Products Systems Training Marketing People Leadership

This is called chunking, & is one of the most effective ways of dealing with any large or complex set of tasks (or set of anything else). You may say “Great, but I’ve got 200 things on my to-do list”. It doesn’t matter – the same principles apply. If you go through your to-do list & only manage to whittle it down from 200 items to 20 categories, that’s OK – go through the 20 categories & see where they group together. The key is to have no more than 9 categories at each level – this way your conscious mind can keep track of it. 2)

Start to manage your to-do list by the high-level categories.

You can use this in all sorts of areas to make things more manageable, for instance: -

To-do lists www.saladltd.co.uk 2008 Jamie Smart

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The filing system on your computer Your filing cabinet Any project you’re doing

One of the things this allows you to do is notice very quickly if there’s a specific area where you haven’t been taking much action lately – very useful for helping focus on what needs attention.

Business Essentials: I used to manage large business projects, complex ventures involving organisational change, new systems, & hundreds of people. The second thing I’d do when starting a new project was figure out the big categories we needed to take action in (the first thing I did was to find out what was wanted & how we’d know we’d got it!) A colleague once came to me after having been appointed as a manager of special projects. He’d been given about 20 different projects to move forward, & was totally overwhelmed. He asked me to help him figure out what to do. I spent an hour with him, going through the process detailed above. All we did was figure out the 5 or 6 big categories that his 20 projects fitted into, & all of a sudden, he felt enthusiastic, energised & ready to begin. All that had changed was we’d used 7+-2 to his advantage, instead of against him. Chunking works!

www.saladltd.co.uk 2008 Jamie Smart

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Rapid Belief Change Back when I first started learning NLP, I was struck by the awesome power of stories for communication and change. I wished that I could tell stories like the people I’d heard, but I had a problem: I didn’t see myself as a storyteller, and didn’t think that my life had contained enough interesting experiences to turn into stories. We’ve been exploring how you can use language skilfully as part of the coaching process. One of the things that is widely acknowledged as being critical to successful change is belief. If someone doesn’t believe something is possible, they are unlikely to bring it about. And the most powerful beliefs? Beliefs about identity. The belief that I was not a storyteller might have been true, but it wasn’t particularly useful. I determined to change my belief. The first thing I did was wrote “I am a masterful storyteller” on an index card, and put it in my pocket. Every day, on the way to work, I would look at the card and remind myself. I also started making a list of stories I knew, and of interesting experiences I’d had. I began to take opportunities to tell people stories, and studied the structure of storytelling. I even experimented with using stories and metaphors in business meetings, and observed the powerful effects they often had. There are many NLP techniques for changing beliefs, including my personal favourite, Sleight of Mouth (this fantastic conversational belief change skill is one of the things we cover in-depth on Master Practitioner training). But one of the most powerful ways of changing your own beliefs is a variation on the new-age idea of affirmations. Do this: 1)

Identify a limiting belief you’d like to change.

Everybody’s got them. Even if you sorted out all your beliefs years ago, life is in a continual state of flux, and last year’s empowering insights can be this year’s tired mantras. Examples I’ve come across include: -

I can’t start my own business I’ll always be overweight I don’t ever have enough money Attractive, single men aren’t interested in me I can’t be happy because I’m manic depressive

I call these beliefs ‘negative affirmation’. In the NLP world, some people make fun of affirmations and say they don’t work. I accepted this received wisdom until I’d been working with clients for a while, and noticed that they all used affirmations very effectively. They just used really lousy ones! (See the list above). The negative affirmations they used seemed to be highly effective in bringing about exactly what they ‘affirmed’! 2)

Construct a positive affirmation using the following form: I am xxxxx.

The keys to creating what I call power affirmations are as follows: - Make them positive (What you want, not what you don’t want) - Make them identity-based (“I”) - Make them present-tense (“I am...”) www.saladltd.co.uk 2008 Jamie Smart

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- Make them emotionally powerful Power affirmations based on the list from above would be as follows: -

I I I I I

am a fantastically successful entrepreneur am slim, fit and healthy am wealthy and always have a surplus of money attract gorgeous, single, available men effortlessly am blissfully happy and full of joy

I know what you’re thinking: that’s not reality. Yet, the same was probably true of the limiting belief when you first started affirming it. It takes time for a belief to put down roots, so something you can do to plant it in your unconscious mind and help it to grow is… 3)

Say your new affirmation, notice what thoughts and feelings are triggered and accept them.

I’m assuming that the first time you say your new affirmation, it will not seem ‘true’ to you (if it does, fantastic!) It is likely that you’ll have certain sensations and thoughts, so allow yourself to be aware of any pictures that pop into your mind, voices in your head, and feelings in your body. Of all of these, it is usually the feelings that keep an old belief in place and that push against the new one coming in. But you can relax – you don’t have to fight those feelings; just accept them. Feelings don’t mean anything (aside from the stories we tell ourselves about them). Feelings are just sensations in the body. So accept them, maybe even saying to yourself “OK, this is what I’m feeling.” Then wait a minute or so and say your affirmation again. You will probably find that the feelings and thoughts have changed in some way. Great! This is a sign that things are moving. Repeat this process several times, each time accepting the thoughts and feelings that come up. Acceptance is the WD40 of rapid change. I’ve been practicing acceptance with myself and my clients for the last few years, and have seen near-miracles take place just by applying this simple principle. 4)

Reinforce your new belief by repeating your affirmation daily, allowing yourself to feel how you’ll feel when it’s true, and by noticing proof that supports it.

Personally, when I want to take on a particularly thorny new belief, I do a number of things to reinforce it, including: - Writing it out every day - Saying it aloud while looking in a mirror - Imagining how I’ll feel when it’s true, and then feeling that way already This may not be the most elegant approach to belief change, but it does have a major advantage over some other approaches: it’s simple and it works!

www.saladltd.co.uk 2008 Jamie Smart

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Coaching Language Magic – Part One I’ve been preparing for The Secrets of Hypnosis this weekend, and came across one of my favourite hypnosis books, Monsters and Magical Sticks, by Terry Steele and Steven Heller. The introduction is by Robert Anton Wilson, and in it he tells the story of the ‘bata scoir’. The bata scoir is the name of a stick which used to sit in the corner of Irish classrooms in the early days of British rule. Its purpose was this: whenever a child spoke in Irish (rather than English), they would be beaten with the bata scoir. Within a few generations, the number of Irish speakers fell from 100% (circa 1800) to 5% (circa 1900). The British knew something very powerful: that a great deal of a people’s culture and heritage are ‘contained’ within their language. Install a new language, and its associated culture will soon follow (just as the old one will diminish as the old language is destroyed). In the world of computer programming, there are things you can do using one programming language that you cannot do using another. The programming language (combined with the imagination and skill of the programmer) defines the domain of what actions are possible. Ever since I was a little child, I’ve loved language. And while I didn’t imagine that language would become such a large part of my life as it does today, I always had an affinity for words. I love the way they look, the way they sound, and the amazing things you can do with them. What I didn’t realize until much more recently is that words shape our reality; to a great extent, the language we use programs the reality we experience (see Quantum Psychology by Robert Anton Wilson for a fascinating, in-depth and reality-stretching exploration of this topic). The Map Is Not The Territory One of the presuppositions of NLP is that the map is not the territory. As human beings, we don’t experience the world directly, but rather through the maps and models of reality that we have created in our nervous systems. This is why the ‘L’ in NLP is so powerful and important. The language a person uses is a reflection of their maps and models of reality, and reveals aspects of those maps and models which the person themselves is not aware of. When their models change, their experience of reality changes. Language is a lever for changing those models, and thus changing a person’s reality. Please read that again: The language a person uses is a reflection of their maps and models of reality, and reveals aspects of those maps and models which the person themselves is not aware of. When their models change, their experience of reality changes. Language is a lever for changing those models, and thus changing a person’s reality. You can use language to change your (or someone else’s) reality. This fact makes language one of the most powerful tools for coaching yourself and others. The full NLP linguistic set is often undertaught, and yet is one of the most powerful toolsets there is for making change possible (I’ve heard Richard www.saladltd.co.uk 2008 Jamie Smart

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Bandler say that the NLP linguistic tool ‘The Meta Model’ is the starting point for everything he’s discovered in the field of NLP). Time for an exercise: 1)

Think of something you want (Eg. I want a new car / a new job / to learn French etc). Say it out loud, and notice how you feel. Then say it in the following ways, paying attention to your internal experience each time: -

I should… (Eg. I should get a new car) I ought to… (Eg. I ought to get a new car) I’ve got to… (Eg. I’ve got to get a new car) I have to… (Eg. I have to get a new car) I must… (Eg. I must get a new car)

How was your experience different as you said it in these different ways? Did any one way make it seem more likely to happen, or seem more possible? 2)

This time, express the same desires, but starting the sentences in the following ways. Again, pay attention to your internal experience each time: -

I’d like to… (Eg. I’d like to get a new car) I might… (Eg. I might get a new car) I may… (Eg. I may get a new car) I could… (Eg. I could get a new car) I will… (Eg. I will get a new car)

How was your experience different as you said it in these ways? Did you find one way of saying it that felt better than the others? Many people find that the words from the second list (which relate to possibility) are more motivational than the words from the first list (which relate to necessity). If you found one way of saying it which made you feel more likely to do the things that will move you towards what you want, I’d like to ask you a question. What happens when you imagine using this way of saying it for everything you desire in your life? It’s just a thought :-)

www.saladltd.co.uk 2008 Jamie Smart

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Coaching Language Magic – Part Two In Part One, we started exploring the power of language to alter a person’s experience of reality, looking specifically at ‘modal operators’ (words like “have to”, “need to”, “can” & “could”). Last Friday, I ran an ‘NLP Coaching Language Masterclass’, and started the day by asking “What is language?” I looked at many definitions of language, and the common theme seemed to be that language is a system of symbols (including gestures, utterances and markings) used to communicate ideas, concepts and feelings. What is less well known is the extent to which the language we use shapes our perceptions of the world. You can use language to quite literally change the way a person perceives reality. On the coaching language course, we explored some of my favourite ways of using language with intention, so I thought we’d start looking at some of them today. Setting the frame When I’m coaching someone, I do various things to ‘set the frame’ in a general, positive way before setting / eliciting a specific direction for the interaction. I got this idea from a book which said something like “The fact that you’re reading this means you can easily incorporate these new ideas into your life”. I set the frame by saying things like this: - “The fact that you’ve arrived means you’ll be able to make whatever changes you want in your life.” - “You’ve come today, which means you’re committed to learning something new, which means you’ll be able to develop all the skills you’ll be learning easily.” - “Your decision to come on this programme will cause you to develop amazing new skills and abilities, with an ease which may surprise you.” The logicians among you will recognise that these statements wouldn’t pass a logic test, but the unconscious mind isn’t too stringent about logic. If the person accepts the statement as true (and they usually do), then the unconscious will act accordingly. The structure of these frame-setting statements is this: X means Y A causes B 1)

Think about the ‘coaching’ situations in your life. What ‘frame-setting’ statement can you use to create a powerful context for the coaching interaction?

Who do you want to positively influence? It could be actual coaching clients, other clients, employees, friends, family etc. As you take a few moments to think about the situation, you can start to become aware of some ideas you could use. One of my favourites for almost any training situation is something like this:

www.saladltd.co.uk 2008 Jamie Smart

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“You learned to walk and talk, and you don’t even know how you did it. That means that the things you’ll be learning today are going to be really straightforward for you.” 2)

Once you’ve identified some frame-setting statements, decide to try them out and notice what response you get.

I use these all the time, and the ONLY time I get rumbled is by experienced NLP Practitioners (and even then, it’s usually only the ones I’ve trained to pay close attention to language). One of the things you start to find after you spend some time on a training course with me or listen to some Salad CDs is that it becomes a lot more fun to listen. Sometimes my assistants and more experienced students have trouble keeping a straight face on trainings when I’m embedding commands etc in seemingly ‘innocent’ stories and sentences.

www.saladltd.co.uk 2008 Jamie Smart

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Coaching Language Magic – Part Three In Part Two, we explored frame-setting, a way of creating a general direction for a coaching interaction (or any other interaction for that matter). In this part, we’re going to discuss setting a specific direction for the session. I was working with my master practitioner group last weekend, and I asked them to do an exercise which involved getting each other to imagine a life beyond their wildest dreams. An important part of NLP is discovering what a person wants, but there are many ways to help a person discover that information. One of our Master Practitioners–in-training is from the Czech Republic, and came up with the following approach for eliciting the information. The interaction went like this: “Imagine that you are fishing. You feel a tug on the line, and out of the water comes a golden fish, which says ‘I can grant you three wishes. Tell me your heart’s desire?’” This approach worked really well to elicit the ‘What do you want’ information, and I was thinking about the reasons why: a) The subject started visualising very quickly (the word ‘imagine’ combined with the fishing story pretty much guarantees that). Visualisation helps to access the unconscious mind, and activate your unconscious resources, including creativity etc. b) The talking fish granting three wishes is an invitation to age-regress (most adults don’t openly discuss wish-granting sea creatures in their day-to-day lives). Age-regression helps people access a time in their life when you have a greater sense of wonder, possibility and freedom. c) When a person is given three wishes, it can remove the need for what they want to be ‘realistic’ (or even possible). This can help get to what you really want, at the deepest level. So, the first exercise: 1)

“Imagine that you are fishing. You feel a tug on the line, and out of the water comes a golden fish, which says ‘I can grant you three wishes. Tell me your heart’s desire?’” What would you choose?

Finding out what someone wants sets a direction for the coaching session. Other ways of finding this out include the following: -

The Miracle Question (see previous NLP Tips) What do you want? What have you come here for? What can I do for you? What’s the problem?

All of these have different presuppositions (“What’s the problem” presupposes that the person has some problem they’ve come to solve, and may not be useful in many situations, but in some it is. Frank Farrelly, creator of Provocative Therapy, uses this question as his starting point). My fave is still “What do you want?”, but the others all have value in different situations. www.saladltd.co.uk 2008 Jamie Smart

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Once you know what someone wants, you can further clarify their goal using other queries (see NLP Tips 1 & 2, below). http://www.saladltd.co.uk/salad%20pages/Nlp%20tips/nlp_tip_1.htm http://www.saladltd.co.uk/salad%20pages/Nlp%20tips/nlp_tip_2.htm The key is to help a person get a clear idea of how they would like things to be. Once you have this, you have a direction for the process.

www.saladltd.co.uk 2008 Jamie Smart

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Coaching Language Magic – Part Four In Part Three, we explored direction-setting, acknowledging the goal-seeking nature of human neurology, and setting a specific direction for a coaching session. In this part, we’ll be looking at information gathering. “Information gathering?!?” I hear you ask. “How dull”. But wait. According to NLP co-developer Richard Bandler, 95% of NLP is information-gathering. I often get emails from people asking things like “What technique do you use to help a one-eyed mother of four overcome her inexplicable fear of dwarves which emerges when she’s doing the dishes?” The technique I use is…watch and listen. I believe that when you’re working with someone and you have the attention of their unconscious mind (rapport), the unconscious will do everything within its power to tell you exactly what you need to know in order to help the person make he necessary changes. The coach’s role involves having the sensory acuity to intercept those messages from the unconscious. So how are those messages sent? -

Body language Gestures Eye movements Throw-away comments Sensory language Ambiguities Organ language etc

I’d like you to consider the possibility that your clients are offering you a wealth of clues to help them find solutions to their problems and the paths to their desires. 95% of NLP is information-gathering. Watch and listen. Of course, sometimes you need to ‘stimulate’ a person’s nervous system in order to gather the necessary information. And how do you stimulate their nervous system? Questions. And the most useful set of questions out there is…The Meta Model. The Meta Model (created by Bandler and Grinder) is the most powerful set of questions there is for helping people enrich their maps of the world. Bandler credits it as being the tool which helped them create all the other NLP models. While teaching the Meta Model is beyond the scope of this NLP Tip, it is one of the things we learn on the NLP Practitioner training. By the time you finish that training, the Meta Model questions have been wired in as a natural part of your responses, so you know automatically which questions to ask. Astonishingly (to me) the Meta Model is not taught in depth on most Practitioner trainings these days. This is because it’s traditional seen as being “difficult”, but it’s not! On our practitioner training you learn the Meta Model quickly and easily using games which make it fun. The great thing is, by the time you realise how easily you can do it, the learnings have already gone in.

www.saladltd.co.uk 2008 Jamie Smart

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If you want to have access to one of the most powerful linguistic resources there is, as well as 100 other skills and an extraordinary experience, have a look at the details of our practitioner training: http://www.saladltd.co.uk/Practitioner.htm

www.saladltd.co.uk 2008 Jamie Smart

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How To Get Your Message Heard We live in a busy world, and there are thousands of messages vying for people’s mental bandwidth each day. There is more and more competition for each person’s attention, so you may be wondering how you can increase the odds that the messages you send will reach their targets. In last week’s tip, we looked at ways to use the natural phenomenon of rapport to meet people at their model of the world through our behaviour. This week we will discuss the meta-pattern of pacing and leading to explore how you can meet people at their map of the world with language, before leading them somewhere else. Meet them at their map of the world St Francis of Assisi spoke of seeking to understand before seeking to be understood. A technique used in ancient Greece to settle disputes had those involved state the opposition’s case to the satisfaction of the opposition before they stated their own case. Whenever you set out to influence someone, there is great value in meeting them at their ‘map of the world’ before you start the process of leading them somewhere new. In NLP, this process is referred to as ‘pacing and leading’; making statements (for instance) about the current ‘reality’ for an individual or group before directing their attention somewhere else. For example… Every Friday at 7am, I go to a business networking group (BNI) where I get the opportunity to do a 60 second ‘commercial’ for services that I offer. I will often start my commercial with something like the following: "We’re here at BNI, it’s Friday morning, and it’s early, and you may be wondering what I’m going to tell you about today… because we’ve all come here for a reason, and the reason is to build our businesses, so I know you’re going to be interested in helping me build mine etc… " On the face of it, this is a fairly ordinary intro, with nothing particularly notable about this, but as you look more closely at the way the statements are structured, you may begin to notice that there is a mixture of things that are ‘true’ and things that are more ‘speculative’. ‘True’ – Pacing Statements We’re here it’s Friday morning it’s early we’ve all come here for a reason the reason is to build our businesses ‘Speculative’ – Leading Statements you may be wondering what I’m going to tell you about today I know you’re going to be interested in helping me build mine 1) Practice making verifiably true statements about where you are right now (for www.saladltd.co.uk 2008 Jamie Smart

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instance, "I am sitting in my office, the sun is shining, it’s 2003, it’s Tuesday etc.) Continue until you have made at least 10 statements. We like a sense of the familiar, and as you sit here, making these statements aloud, you may start to feel pleasantly relaxed. If it’s difficult to make the statements aloud initially, write them down. 2) In a low-risk situation (eg. with a friend), practise making some pacing comments to another person, and notice what effect they have (people will often nod or say mmm-hmmm in response.)

Creatures of habit What you are doing as you make the pacing statements is setting up a response pattern of ‘that’s true’ in the other person’s mind. Human beings are creatures of habit - we like what’s familiar. The human brain seeks pattern and, having established a pattern, likes it to continue. When the brain has said ‘that’s true’ three times, it’s likely to say it the fourth time. When pacing and leading is done elegantly, it is possible to move from saying mostly things which are ‘verifiably true’ to saying mostly things which are ‘made up’ without the listener(s) noticing the transition. The overall shape / structure is as follows: Pace Pace Pace Lead

– – – –

pace – pace - lead pace – lead – lead lead – lead – lead lead – lead – lead… (+an occasional pace for good measure)

3) Set yourself a goal for communication in a low-risk situation (eg. to persuade the other person to go for a coffee.) Use pacing and leading to seamlessly lead them to that goal. Pacing and leading often sounds ‘clunky’ at first, but as you practice it more and more, you’ll begin to find yourself doing it spontaneously, without even planning it consciously. 4) Begin to identify all the areas in your life where you can start using pacing & leading to persuade others more effectively, then use it! This approach may seem basic, but I’ve used in hundreds of situations, including getting the attention and interest of a hostile audience, winning the trust of a sceptical client, and comforting a hurt child (and stopping them crying in under a minute.) As usual, this is a powerful technique – ensure you use it to help yourself and others. When you are acting in someone else’s best interests, it comes across. More advanced You can use this technique to turn around situations that seem to oppose you directly. I was once coaching someone in a large organisation who had been told to see me by his boss. He started out by saying "I’m normally sceptical of this sort of thing, but you come highly recommended." My gut feeling was that he was www.saladltd.co.uk 2008 Jamie Smart

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still highly sceptical, despite his protestation. I said "Well you should be sceptical about me." He looked puzzled and asked why. I said "Because until you’ve seen for yourself just how quickly I can help you get great results, you’ve got no reason to be anything other than sceptical." He relaxed immediately and we began. I met him at his map of the world, and threw in a double bind for good measure (in order for him to be sceptical of me, he would have to be sceptical about what I was telling him ("be sceptical"), so on some level he had to consider being sceptical of his own scepticism. I know this is a bit confusing – that’s part of why it works!) You can learn more about how to use double binds on NLP Mastery, my master practitioner programme.

Summary Pacing and leading is a powerful way to influence others… 1) Practice making verifiably true statements about where you are right now (Eg. I am sitting in my office, the sun is shining, it’s 2003, it’s Tuesday etc) 2) In a low-risk situation (eg. with a friend), practise making some pacing comments to another person, and notice what effect they have (people will often nod or say mmm-hmmm in response.) 3) Set yourself a goal for communication in a low-risk situation (eg. to persuade the other person to go for a coffee.) Use pacing and leading to seamlessly lead them to that goal. 4) Begin to identify all the areas in your life where you can start using pacing & leading to persuade others more effectively.

www.saladltd.co.uk 2008 Jamie Smart

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Connecting with Rapport Researchers at Boston University Medical School studied films of people having conversations. The researchers noticed that the people talking began (unconsciously) to co-ordinate their movements (including finger movements, eye blinks and head nods.) When they were monitored using electroencepholographs, it was found that some of their brain waves were spiking at the same moment. As the conversations progressed, these people were getting into rapport with each other. The phenomenon of rapport is well-known in the world of NLP and beyond as a starting-point for influential communication. It’s mentioned in countless NLP and influence texts, and crops up in most sales training programs. Yet what ‘is’ rapport, and how can you use it to help yourself and others?

What is rapport? Rapport has been described as what happens when we get the attention of someone’s unconscious mind, and meet them at their ‘map of the world.’ It is more commonly understood as the sense of ease and connection that develops when you are interacting with someone you trust and feel comfortable with. Rapport emerges when people are in-sync with each other. Rapport is an emergent property of the system (group), like a fit of the giggles or a pregnant pause. As such, it’s not possible to ‘cause’ or ‘do’ rapport; you can however massively increase the likelihood of rapport emerging when you are communicating with another person. Mirror, mirror… On a basic level, we like people who are like us. One way to help rapport to develop is to mirror the micro-behaviours of those we wish to influence. Any observable behaviour can be mirrored, for example: •

Body posture

•

Hand gestures

•

Head tilt

•

Vocal qualities (pace, rhythm, tonality)

•

Key phrases

•

Blink rate

•

Facial expression

•

Energy level

•

Breathing rate

•

Anything else that you can observe…

To mirror another person, merely select the behaviour or quality you wish to mirror, then do that behaviour. If you choose to mirror head tilt, when the person moves their head, wait a few moments, then move yours to the same angle. The effect should be as though the other person is looking in a mirror. When this is done elegantly, it is out of consciousness for the other person. However, a few notes of caution are appropriate:

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• • •

Mirroring is not the same as mimicry. It should be subtle and respectful. Mirroring can lead to you sharing the other person’s experience. Avoid mirroring people who are in distress or who have severe mental issues. Mirroring can build a deep sense of trust quickly. You have a responsibility to use it ethically.

1) Practise mirroring the micro-behaviours of people on television (chat shows & interviews are ideal.) You may be surprised at how quickly you can become comfortable as you subtly mirror the behaviours of others.

Pacing and leading Pacing and leading is one of the keys to influencing people. It refers to meeting them at their map of the world (pacing) and then taking them where you want them to go (leading.) Rapport is a basic, behavioural signal that you have met someone at their map of the world. The simplest, most effective test for rapport is "if you lead, they follow." 2) Choose a safe situation to practise mirroring an element of someone else’s behaviour. When you have mirrored them for a while, and think you are in rapport with the person, scratch your nose. If they lift their hand to their face within the next minute or so, congratulate yourself – you have led their behaviour! Skilled communicators have a wide range of behaviours they can mirror to build rapport. You can find a way to mirror virtually anything you can observe. 3) Increase the range of behaviours that you can mirror, and introduce deliberate rapport-building into situations where it will benefit you and others (nb. Use your common sense and choose low-risk situations to practice in.)

More advanced Many people (especially in sales) are familiar with rapport-building techniques and are particularly aware of body posture mirroring. Cross-over matching involves matching another person’s behaviour with a different behaviour of your own (eg. matching their breathing rate to your head tilt, or their eyeblinks to your foot-taps.) This is a way of building rapport that is very difficult to detect, and still highly effective. Summary Building rapport through mirroring is a powerful way to build a sense of trust and connection… 1) Practise mirroring the micro-behaviours of people on television (chat shows & interviews are ideal.) 2) Choose a safe situation to practise mirroring an element of someone else’s behaviour.

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3) Increase the range of behaviours that you can mirror, and introduce deliberate rapport-building into situations where it will benefit you and others (nb. Use your common sense and choose low-risk situations to practice in.)

www.saladltd.co.uk 2008 Jamie Smart

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The Power of Beliefs In my experience there are several factors that can prevent people from getting what they want in their lives, whether in business or in other areas: • • • •

Lack of clear goal & evidence Not addressing the benefits of the current situation (aka. secondary gain) Familiarity of the current situation (a particularly sneaky benefit) Lack of belief and/or limiting beliefs

In Robert Anton Wilson’s excellent book Prometheus Rising, he models the mind as having two main parts; a thinker and a prover. The thinker is extremely flexible, and can think any number of things. The thinker can think the earth is flat; the thinker can think the earth is spherical. It can think all men are poison; it can think all men are essentially good. The thinker can think that women are intuitive and men are rational; it can think the opposite. It can think that there isn’t enough to go round; it can think we live in a world of unlimited abundance. The thinker can think pretty much anything. The prover is much more predictable: what the thinker thinks, the prover proves. What the thinker thinks, the prover proves (WTTTTPP) Whatever the thinker is thinking, the prover will sort for evidence to support it. If a person thinks that all homeless people are lazy, the prover will sort through their experience to find evidence to support that idea. If they think all homeless people are victims, the prover will find evidence to support that idea. If a person considers themselves to be stupid, the prover will find evidence to show that it’s ‘true’. If a person thinks they are brilliant, the prover will show that to be true. What the thinker thinks, the prover proves. While it’s easy to see that this is the case for everyone else, it’s not so easy to recognise that it’s also the case for us. While it’s easy to identify the ways in which someone else is limiting themselves, the things we believe are ‘really true’ – aren’t they? The power of beliefs WTTTTPP is a simple way of understanding how beliefs operate in the human nervous system. Beliefs are very powerful, helping us to get a sense of certainty and direction in an unpredictable world. They are so powerful, in fact, that we sometimes don’t remember that they’re not necessarily ‘true’. I used to be a project manager, employed to manage multi-million pound business change & software projects for large companies. While it was a matter of record that I was able to lead these large and complex programmes, I ‘knew’ that I could not go solo and succeed as a contractor. Two weeks after going on my first NLP training, I handed in my notice and started my own business. What had changed? My thinker started thinking something different, and my prover found evidence to support it. So, with regard to a current goal you wish to achieve or change you wish to make (or just for fun)… 1) Write a list of 3 beliefs which have been limiting you. www.saladltd.co.uk 2008 Jamie Smart

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Sometimes, just the process of writing them down can allow you to begin to realise that they are not really true. As you look at these beliefs, you may become aware that, at one point in time, they were useful for helping you make sense of the world. But perhaps they’ve passed their use-by date now. 2) Underneath the list, write the heading ‘Evidence’. Start to find evidence that these beliefs are false (get a friend to help you if you need to.) When evidence is presented, leave decision & judgement to one side. Just write the evidence on the evidence list. Nature abhors a vacuum, so begin to think about what sort of beliefs you’d like to have instead of these. 3) Write a list of 3 useful, empowering beliefs that will help you achieve your goal (or that you’d just like to believe.) Remember to state them in the positive. 4) Write ‘Evidence’ under this list, and start to find evidence that these beliefs are true. When evidence is presented, leave decision & judgement to one side. Just write the evidence on the evidence list. I sometimes do a training exercise where I get people to shake hands with the other trainees a) while imagining that the person they are shaking hands with is going to be difficult to deal with, and then b) while imagining that the person they are shaking hands with is a great friend who will help them in many ways. The difference is always profound and it demonstrates (among other things) that what you are thinking changes the signals you give off. Someone once asked "So, are you suggesting we tell ourselves lies?" "Not quite", I said. "I’m suggesting that you change the lousy lies you are telling yourself to good ones, which support you." Milton Erickson, an extraordinary communicator and patron saint of NLP used to say "You can pretend anything and master it." So… 5) Pretend that the new positive beliefs are true. Pretending is a big part of how Robert Deniro gets into role, how Jimi Hendrix learned to be so good at guitar, and how you learned to walk. It’s also part of how Richard Bandler and John Grinder developed NLP, but that’s another story. Pretend until the pretense starts to seem real. While NLP has many new approaches for structured belief change, this approach has been used throughout history, is lots of fun and, best of all, you already know how to do it! More advanced In language, beliefs are structured as cause-effect statements (x causes y) and complex equivalences (x means the same as y). When you’re working with individuals, they’ll rarely offer you the full belief statement. Instead, you’ll get a fragment (Eg. "I’ll never be able to boogie".) To recover the missing portion of the belief statement, you can ask the question "How do you know?" In order to answer it, they’ll run the internal strategy associated with the belief, so WATCH & LISTEN. Their verbal report may include some or all of the missing portion. The questions "What makes it like that?" or "Why is that so?" will usually elicit a ‘because’ story. This may also give you some or all of the missing portion of the belief. Once you’ve got the whole belief (Eg. "I’ll never be able to boogie because I ain’t got no rhythm"), you can use sleight www.saladltd.co.uk 2008 Jamie Smart

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of mouth (conversational belief change, part of the master practitioner syllabus) and many other NLP belief-change patterns to start getting shifts. Summary With regard to a goal (or just in general)…

1) Write a list of 3 beliefs which have been limiting you. 2) Find evidence that these beliefs are false. 3) Write a list of 3 useful, empowering beliefs that will help you achieve your goal (or that you’d just like to believe.)

4) Find evidence that these beliefs are true. 5) Pretend that the new positive beliefs are true.

www.saladltd.co.uk 2008 Jamie Smart

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How to Get What You Want – Part One When I attended my first neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) training five years ago, the trainer asked us if we’d like to know two questions which could change our lives. I have used these questions consistently ever since, and they have been among the most useful things I’ve ever learned. They were "What do you want?", and "How will you know when you’ve got it?" What do you want? "What do you want?" is probably the most well-known ‘NLP question’. It takes advantage of the fact that the human nervous system is ‘goal-seeking’ ie. we operate most effectively when we have a goal or objective of some sort to aim for, so… 1) Ask yourself "What do I want?" & pay attention to your answer. You can’t do a don’t Is your answer stated in the positive (eg. to get fit & healthy, to double your income, to start a new business etc.) or in the negative (eg. to quit smoking, lose weight, stop spending so much etc.)? Negatives aren’t processed by the nervous system in the same way that they are linguistically (eg. The command "Don’t think of a purple hippo" is difficult to obey.) You get what you focus on, so if your goal is stated in the negative, you’re making it more difficult for yourself. 2) Ensure you state your goal positively. How will you know when you’ve got it? I once had a client whose goal was to become rich. I asked her how she’d know when she was rich and she said she’d have more money. So I tossed a pound coin to her and said "Congratulations, you’re rich." ‘More money’ did not turn out to be specific enough evidence for her having achieved her goal, so we went into the detail of what she would see, hear and feel when she was rich. This gives your nervous system a rich representation of what success is for this particular goal. So, with regard to your goal… 3) Ask yourself "How will I know when I’ve got it?" What will you see, hear and feel as you are achieving your goal? What specific details will let you know that you are getting what you want? The more sensory detail you include, the more information you will give to your nervous system about what to aim for. 4) Ensure you have details of what you will see, feel and hear. Get your body involved Once you have clear evidence (ie. how you’ll know when you’ve achieved your goal), you can engage your unconscious resources more fully by getting your body more involved. Stand up and ensure you’ve got enough space to move safely, then… 5) Imagine you are going to step in to that time in the future when you already have what you want, then literally take a step & imagine you can see what you’ll www.saladltd.co.uk 2008 Jamie Smart

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see, hear what you’ll hear & feel what you’ll feel when you are achieving your goal.

Mind and body are a single system Mind and body are a single system, and people often find that the process of stepping into a future achievement has a profound effect, allowing you to experience learnings and insights which may not previously have been consciously available. Often, the people most sceptical of this approach have the most powerful experiences, so if you are dubious about whether this will work for you, great – do it anyway and see what happens! More advanced For more advanced students of NLP: when you ask someone "What do you want?" it’s really important to pay attention while you ask the question & while they prepare and give an answer. People will run all sorts of unconscious strategies while searching for the answer to a question. You can discover information about … a) how they represent a successful outcome to themselves, b) how they stop themselves from getting what they want, c) how they want several things that are in conflict with each other etc. This will give you information that is often not available to the person at a conscious level, so watch and listen for eye movements, hand gestures, head movements, language patterns etc. Summary 1) 2) 3) 4) 5)

Use "What do you want?" with yourself & others to elicit goals If goals are stated negatively, re-state them in the positive Use "How will you know when you’ve got it?" to elicit evidence Ensure you have answers for "What will you see, hear and feel?" Step into your imagined future achievement to get further insights.

www.saladltd.co.uk 2008 Jamie Smart

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How to Get What You Want – Part Two I was once working with a team who had been without a leader for some time, and were continually ‘fighting fires’. Their newly appointed leader wanted help bringing the team together around a shared goal, with a more proactive approach. We spent some time exploring the ‘What do you want? / How will you know?’ questions, and established a goal for the team that they seemed genuinely excited about. Then I asked them an unusual question, "What are the benefits of NOT achieving this?" Of course, they protested that there was no good reason not to achieve their goal, and that there were no benefits of things staying as they were. But I pressed the point, & they started to find benefits: - They didn’t have to prioritise - They weren’t held accountable - They could moan about how disorganised things were - In a funny way, it was comfortable & familiar These were all ‘hidden benefits’ that they would have to find other ways to get if they were to achieve their goal. There are always hidden benefits In almost any situation, there will be hidden benefits. If these benefits are uncovered, you can find other ways to satisfy them and achieve your goals more easily. However, if you are not aware of the hidden benefits of a situation, it can make it more of a struggle to change. So, with regard to a current goal you wish to achieve or change you wish to make… 1) Ask yourself "What are the benefits of NOT achieving this?" & pay attention to your answers. You can look for other hidden benefits by asking "What are the benefits of the current situation?" The answers to these questions may seem strange or even a bit embarrassing, but once you’ve identified them, you can begin to find new ways to deliver the benefits as you achieve your goal. Every benefit addresses a need or want A benefit is only a benefit if it addresses a need or want, so the next step is to identify the needs or wants that the hidden benefit is addressing. 2) Ask "What is the need or want that this benefit is satisfying?" Anthony Robbins talks about six basic human needs, so if you’re having trouble identifying the need or want, check this list for inspiration. Robbins’ six are paraphrased as follows: - Love & connection to other people - Contribution to something bigger (family, community etc) - Predictability, familiarity & security - Unpredictability & surprise - Growth & learning - A sense of importance www.saladltd.co.uk 2008 Jamie Smart

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Every behaviour has a positive intention One of the basic presuppositions of NLP is that every behaviour has a positive intention (nb. The presuppositions of NLP are not true, but if you act as though they’re true in certain situations, you can get fantastic results.) It can be liberating to realise that there has been a positive intention behind something you have been coding as ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’. Once you know which needs or wants you’ve been satisfying, you can dream up some alternatives to find even better ways to feel satisfied in the future. 3) Ask "How can I get this benefit while I’m achieving my goal?" Use your imagination – there’s always another way of meeting your wants and needs. The great news is, you’ll often come up with ways of getting far bigger benefits than the ones you currently have. The power of familiarity Sometimes people will be adamant that there is no benefit in the current situation. If this happens, check how long things have been as they are. If it’s more than a few weeks, then it will have been familiar. If things have been like this for years, it will have been VERY familiar! Human beings have a deeply coded need for familiarity, so track down a new way of providing consistency & familiarity (eg. a daily practice like meditating, exercise, reading etc.) This can provide a base of stability in a changing situation. More advanced For more advanced students of NLP: hidden benefits are often referred to as ‘secondary gain’. Secondary gain often operates outside of conscious awareness, ie. in the domain of the unconscious mind. The unconscious mind is responsible for body language, voice analogues etc. When there secondary gain is present, you will often notice incongruence, such as… - head shaking while answering yes - talking about something "wonderful" in a flat & neutral tone - grimacing while describing something they want, etc Ask the person what the effect of getting what they want will be. Secondary gain incongruities will often show up as they describe the effect. Summary With regard to a goal… 1) Ask "What are the benefits of NOT achieving this?" to identify hidden benefits of the current situation. 2) Ask "What is the need or want that this benefit is satisfying?" 3) Ask "How can I get this benefit while I’m achieving my goal?" to identify better ways of satisfying the wants & needs.

www.saladltd.co.uk 2008 Jamie Smart

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The Magic Minute - Part One Now we’re going to look at how people’s unconscious minds are trying to influence you - the fact that people will tell you everything you need to know in order to work with them in the very first minute… as long as you can see, hear & utilise their unconscious messages. This applies in everything from therapy to sales to executive coaching. In this article, you’ll discover how you can tune in to this 'magic minute'. You’ve seen it in a hundred movies: a character who’s having trouble being understood is desperately being asked for a vital piece of information. Over & over again, they tell their questioner exactly what they need to know, but the questioner just scratches their head & says “If only he could tell us where the treasure is buried / the way out of here / where the key is...” It’s exactly the same with the unconscious mind. The unconscious tells you everything in the very first minute The unconscious mind always finds an answer to whatever question you ask it. Use the coaching context as an example: A client comes to a coach for some help. The coach asks “What do you want?” The client sits up straight, raises their chin & looks up. Then they take a deep breath in through their nose & let it out, & a look of contentment settles on their face. Then they look down and to the left and say “I don’t know”. The coach then proceeds to spend the next hour asking them the question in different ways, trying to get past the “I don’t know” answer. But here’s the thing... Their unconscious mind answered the question immediately, the first time it was asked. The unconscious mind answers honestly & instantly The human bodymind has been developing over countless thousands of years for a world of things & experience, not a world of words (language is a valuable but relatively recent evolutionary development). Every word you hear (& the ones you read too) gets translated into something the deeper bodymind can understand – pictures, smells, sounds, tastes & sensations – a “sensory” representation. And it works both ways. In order to answer a question: a) the question gets translated into something the deeper bodymind understands, a sensory representation b) the bodymind creates an answer it understands (a “sensory representation” answer). Typically, this answer gets demonstrated in real time, eg.

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“The client sits up straight, raises their chin & looks up. Then they take a deep breath in through their nose & let it out, & a look of contentment settles on their face.” c) the neurology then translates this “sensory representation” answer into something the conscious mind can talk about, eg. “Then they look down and to the left, adopt a concerned expression and say “I don’t know”. Here is a possible interpretation of what just happened. Observed data

Possible interpretation

The coach asks “What do you want?”

Good question!

The client sits up straight

People sometimes exhibit a lack of physical alignment when they aren’t aligned with their values etc. This client may want alignment.

Raises their chin & looks up

Maybe accessing some internal visual representation of a desired outcome, direction or state of being.

Then they take a deep breath in through their nose & let it out & a look of contentment settles on their face

The system is at rest, at peace, with a feeling of contentment.

Then they look down and to the left

Looking down and to the left is the classic “talking to myself” eye-accessing cue for right-handed people.

The unconscious mind has eloquently expressed the specific answer to the “what do you want” question, but by the time the conscious mind has a conversation with itself about it, it doesn’t make sense, so the person says “I don’t know.” Why didn’t they just say “I want a sense of alignment & contentment”? Well, sometimes people will, but on other occasions, such an answer wouldn’t fit with their beliefs about what it is appropriate to want (people often think they want more typical “success” oriented stuff, eg. Money, jobs, cars, houses etc).

www.saladltd.co.uk 2008 Jamie Smart

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The Magic Minute - Part Two - Your Key for Cracking the Unconscious Code In Part One, we had a look at the idea that people will ‘show & tell’ you everything you need to know within the first minute of asking what they want. This week, we’re going to continue getting a handle on how you can use this information to become an even more powerful communicator & “change magician” in whatever context you connect with people. So, just to recap & set the scene with a few tips… a) Assume that people will ‘show & tell’ you everything you need to know within the first minute of asking what they want. If you act as though it’s true, you’ll pay attention and notice the patterns that show up right away in people’s communication. b) Go quiet inside – internal dialogue consumes ‘awareness bandwidth’, so learn to switch the chattering monkey off. When people talk to themselves, their unconscious has to work overtime to convert the words they’re using into something their bodymind understands (pictures, sounds, smells, tastes, feelings etc). This uses up a lot of the available ‘awareness bandwidth’. Learn to switch off your internal dialogue, & you’ll be able to see, hear & perceive more of what’s important. c) Watch & listen. The person’s unconscious mind is telling you a story, & you need to pay close attention to see & hear its elements. Cultivate a state of curiosity & wonder. While people will show & tell you everything you need to know, you have to be paying attention in order to notice it, so watch & listen. d) Take people literally – be alert to ambiguities & metaphors. We’ll be exploring this for the next couple of weeks, because it’s so powerful. Remember, our mind & body have developed for a world of things & experience. The words we choose are chosen in response to internal representations, specifically pictures, sounds, smells, tastes & feelings. “So what?” I hear you ask. Well, when you say a word or phrase that is ambiguous (ie. Has more than one meaning), it means that your unconscious mind is processing both meanings of the word, which means in turn that both sets of representations are present, at least on some level. “Yeah, but so what!?!” I’ll give you an example. We’ve been working on a new product for the last year. A month ago, I wrote down one of my personal goals for the month, saying that I wanted to “Go flat out” on the new product. Consciously, I was using “flat out” to mean “running as fast as I can”. But my unconscious had another idea.

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Within a week, I was flat on my back, suffering from a dose of man-flu. I stayed “flat out” for two weeks, the worst does of flu (or anything) I’ve had since I was a child. I had been working hard beforehand, & I guess my unconscious thought I needed a rest (“arrest” – get it?) Knowing myself as I do, I’d probably had plenty of signals to take it easy, which I’d been ignoring in the excitement to get the new product ready. When I told my unconscious I wanted to go “flat out”, it didn’t need telling twice! When you’re working with people, be alert to these kinds of ambiguities. They will be a useful (and entertaining) source of additional, valuable information. We really focus on this stuff in depth during NLP Master Practitioner training, which starts in April. Why? Because this is where you find the real magic of NLP. At salad, we want you to learn to do “the real thing” & get amazing results, not just a bunch of techniques. Our line-up for Master Prac this year is amazing, & includes me, Peter Freeth, Neo-Ericksonian hypnotist Michael Watson & NLP Meta-Master Trainer Chris Hall. Book right away to take advantage of your super-early-bird discount. As my co-trainer Peter Freeth says "On Practitioner we give you a set of keys & show you how to use them. On Master Practitioner, you’re going to learn how to pick locks.

www.saladltd.co.uk 2008 Jamie Smart

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The Magic Minute - Part Three - Literal Magic with NLP In Part Two, we explored the idea that the unconscious mind is very literal. In this part, we’re going to extend that idea, & look at how the words people use are a reflection of how they’re processing internally. In the process, you’ll learn some of the secrets that will help you develop a reputation for doing “real magic” with NLP. So just a reminder - “Take people literally – be alert to ambiguities & metaphors.” One of the things we’ll be exploring in a later tip is the idea that our minds & bodies have developed for a world of things & experience – the world of words is a fairly recent evolutionary arrival. I mention this now because one of the things you’ll begin to notice as you start taking people literally is that they give you clues to their internal processing in the words they use. A few examples: • “When I think about making that career move, it just seems so far away, & no matter what I do, it never seems to come any closer”. • “I try to figure out what I want, but I just keep drawing a blank.” • “I’d like to think I could become a coach, but I just can’t see myself doing it.” • “I’ve got this really big problem, & I just can’t seem to get any perspective on it.” I’m using primarily visual examples, because they’re pretty easy to make sense of & grasp. Of course, the same principles apply to the other modalities (hearing, feeling, & to a lesser degree, taste & smell). Let’s get a handle on what you can see showing up as we talk through these examples: Statement Possible internal processing “When I think about • The person has an internal representation of the making that career career move (possibly an image) move, it just seems so far away, & no matter • The representation is a certain distance away in what I do, it never seems their “internal landscape” to come any closer”. •

They have not created a “path” (ie. A specific plan with steps they can take) to get from where they are now to where they want to be.

•

As a result, the distance between them & the representation has remained constant.

•

(Note for NLP Practitioners, this kind of processing of time is what Chris Hall refers to as “An in-time representation in a between-time structure”)

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•

The person is probably trying to make an internal image of what they want (ie. “figure out” what they want)

•

They “keep trying” to do this (the word “trying” presupposes failure)

•

Instead of making a picture of what they want, they “draw a blank”, ie. They make a picture of a blank screen.

•

The blank screen prevents them seeing what they want (ie. They either draw it instead of picturing what they want, or they stick it in front of the picture of what they want, blocking their view).

“I’d like to think I could become a coach, but I just can’t see myself doing it.”

•

“I just can’t see myself doing it” - They are saying that they can’t make an internal image of themselves either a) going through the process of becoming a coach or b) coaching people & running a coaching business.

“I’ve got this really big problem, & I just can’t seem to get any perspective on it.”

•

They have an internal representation of this thing called “problem”, & the representation is “really big” (& probably ‘too close for comfort’)

•

Like anything that’s big and ‘right in your face’, it’s difficult to “get any perspective” on it.

“I keep trying to figure out what I want, but I just keep drawing a blank.”

1)

Start paying even more attention to the things people say, with the idea that their words are describing “things” that their deeper mind & body can understand.

So what do you do once you’ve started picking these kinds of things up in another person’s language? It depends on the context, & what your purpose is for communicating with them. In a formal or informal coaching context, you might choose to deal with it semicovertly, for instance: Client:

“I’ve got this really big problem, & I just can’t seem to get any perspective on it.”

Coach:

Yes… I know that… as you look at that problem… and notice that you can… allow it to move far enough away… that you’re able to see it… from a more realistic perspective… you may also begin to become more aware… of some of the resources you have… available to you… in order to deal with it effectively.

In general, when something moves further away, it becomes smaller (ie. No longer a “big” problem). When you can notice this stuff in “real-time”, & respond

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to it accordingly, you start developing a reputation for being able to “do real magic”.

www.saladltd.co.uk 2008 Jamie Smart

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Hypnotic Language in Action - How To Use Conversational Timelines In this article, we’re exploring how you can use the power of “timelines”, within an ‘ordinary’ conversation. You may already be aware that a person’s sense of time is a powerful resource. What you may not realise is that you can use their sense of time conversationally to create powerful changes, as you’ll discover today. Just for fun, you might like to identify some goals you’d like to accomplish before reading the next few paragraphs. During coaching, training & even sales contexts, I’ll often use ‘time language’ to help people take new perspectives & make powerful changes. I’ll often say something like this: I know that, as you sit here listening to me, there are certain goals you have in mind… and as you allow yourself to consider those particular desires…you can imagine a time in the future…when you have already achieved those goals…and from that point in the future… you can look back to today…as having been an important point in that process… and as you continue to allow yourself to enjoy the experience…of having made those changes…you can begin to notice some of the things you did…that enabled your continuing progress… and you may even be aware…of some of the more important resources you activated…along the way… and whether you’re consciously aware of it or not…you can feel comfortable in the knowledge…that the fact that you understand these words and ideas… means that your unconscious mind is also… fully engaged… in this process of your evolving potentials and abilities… As usual, let’s look at this bit by bit Section “I know that”

Hypnotic Language Patterns I don’t really know, but I’m making a pretty good guess. The “I know” makes it seem like I have access to “hidden knowledge”.

“as you sit here listening to me” Pacing statement. “there are certain goals you have in mind…”

A pretty fair guess. And “certain goals” leaves it vague enough for it to be true for everyone. After all, as you sit here reading this, there are certain goals you have in mind, aren’t there?

“and as you allow yourself to consider those particular desires”

This is loaded with presuppositions: “as you” presupposes it’s already happening, “allow yourself” implies it’s just a matter of giving yourself permission. By the time you get to the end of the sentence, you’re considering them!

“you can imagine a time in the future”

I’m not asking whether they can – I’m just saying they can.

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“when you have already achieved those goals”

I guess so, otherwise they probably wouldn’t even have them as goals.

“and from that point in the future… you can look back to today”

In order to make sense of this, they have to imagine being at that future point, having already made those changes, looking back to today.

“as having been an important point in that process… and as you continue to allow yourself to enjoy the experience…of having made those changes…”

All of a sudden, “today” is in the past, & just a part of a process. Then they get to enjoy he experience of “having made those changes”. Energy flows where attention goes, & what you focus on increases. Feeling what you’ll feel when you’ve got what you want can be an important part of getting it!

“you can begin to notice some of the things you did…that enabled your continuing progress”

Using “past” language to describe the process of change they’ve gone through. Also “your continuing progress” is ambiguous & deeply hypnotic.

“and you may even be aware…of some of the more important resources you activated…along the way…”

“Aware” is one of my favourite presuppositions. It’s not a matter of whether you did it or not – just of whether you’re aware of it. There are plenty of other presuppositions in here too – see just how many you can enjoy spotting!

“and whether you’re consciously Even if you’re not consciously aware of it, aware of it or not…you can feel you’re unconsciously aware of it! Also, “You comfortable in the knowledge…” can feel comfortable in the knowledge” is a nicely hypnotic phrase. “that the fact that you understand these words and ideas…means that your unconscious mind is also… fully engaged…”

A means B – does it really? No, but it seems plausible enough for the unconscious. And of course, if your unconscious is ALSO fully engaged, it presupposes that your conscious mind is too.

“in this process of your evolving Hypnotic spacecake – very tasty! potentials and abilities…”

You can even use this structure in a sales pitch. For instance, I’m really keen for you to experience our Hypnotic Language Masterclass audios, so I might say something like this: You’re reading this tip… which means you’re interested in hypnotic language… so as you consider… whether or not to invest in our Hypnotic Language Masterclass audios… I’d like to invite you to imagine… a time in the future, say three months from now… when you’ve already integrated the learnings… from these recordings… and you’re enjoying the powerful benefits… of continuing to put what you’ve learned into practice… & enjoying the experience with delight… of your evolving mastery… and from that point in the future… you can look back to today… and your www.saladltd.co.uk 2008 Jamie Smart

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decision to buy these products… as having been an important point in that process… and a valuable investment in…your developing skills and abilities… Feel free to go through this & analyse it yourself – it’s a great way to continue deepening your understanding and communication abilities.

www.saladltd.co.uk 2008 Jamie Smart

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The Hidden Power of Meaning I’m currently in the process of creating a new card deck, and have been exploring some of my favourite NLP ideas, as well as some new ones. In this article, I’m going to share a powerful idea that underpins much of NLP change-work, and can transform situations that you may have perceived as stuck, limiting or unresourceful until now. Human beings are meaning-makers. As we go through our lives, we are always endeavouring to make meaning of the situations that we face. This ability to make meaning of situations has two clear benefits: • •

It gives us a sense of certainty (people like certainty). It gives us a storyline, which helps us make informed decisions about what to do next.

The data is ambiguous A person is about to go into a grocery store when suddenly they see a man pointing a gun at the clerk and shouting, while the clerk hands over bills from the register. What’s going on here? What does this mean? a) The gun-man needs money to pay for meditation classes, and is in the process of selling the clerk his gun. b) The gun-man is helping the clerk prepare for a play he’s due to act in. c) There’s a robbery in progress. What’s the real answer? We don’t know – we’ve only been presented with the data, & the data is ambiguous. It could mean anything! However, the answer the person chooses will determine the actions they take. The meaning they make from the data gives them a storyline they can use to make informed decisions.

People like certainty As you can imagine, there is a big survival benefit in being able to make meaning in an effective way. However, there’s also a trap in this. Once we have established what we think something means, we like to stay with the sense of certainty it gives us. Once people have a sense of certainty about something, they tend to “make the facts fit” – they reverse engineer the evidence to fit the meaning they’ve made. “So what?” I hear you ask. “Assuming there’s a robbery in progress & calling the police is the safest most sensible action to take in this situation.” True. However, most of the meaning-making decisions we make are not matters of life & death, but they can affect the quality of our lives in significant ways. Some examples: www.saladltd.co.uk 2008 Jamie Smart

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•

•

1)

A new employee hears their manager shouting at someone on the phone & decides it means “She loses her temper easily” or “She’s an angry person”. A person gets a feeling of confusion while learning something new & decides it means “I can’t learn this stuff” or “I’m stupid.” Choose an example from your own life where you’d like to experience greater resourcefulness. Think about “the data” - the sights, sounds, smells, tastes & feelings. Ask yourself “What does this data mean?”

You might like to open to the idea that the meanings you’ve created for these things are ‘stories’ – stories to enable you to make decisions about what to do etc. 2)

Thank yourself for having created those meanings, then ask yourself “What else could this data mean?”

Remember, the data is ambiguous. You create the meaning. And you can always decide to create new meaning. 3)

Repeat step 2 until you begin to notice that you’re experiencing greater resourcefulness in relation to this situation.

www.saladltd.co.uk 2008 Jamie Smart

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Secrets of NLP Coaching - Part One – Instant Rapport Through Language I’m going to share one of my favourite techniques for creating instant rapport with a person so you can connect with them on a deep level. Several years ago, I was doing some executive coaching for a large multinational, & I was due to meet with the sales director & one of his managers. I stopped by to have a word with the manager prior to the meeting, who warned me not to mention the sales figures. He explained that the numbers had been very low; that the director had been in a bad mood all day, & would go mad if I mentioned the figures. When the manager & I walked into the director’s office, the first words out of my mouth were “Hi, I hear the sales figures sucked this month.” The manager cringed, waiting for the inevitable explosion, but the director just laughed, shook my hand & said “Yeah, but it’s time to move on.” We immediately got down to business & had a successful meeting, with no further mention of the dreaded sales number. Meet them at their map of the world You begin to establish rapport when you meet someone at their ‘map of the world’. As humans, we have a natural tendency to get “in-sync” with one another over time, but it’s possible to speed the process up dramatically. Our brains contain “mirror neurons” that help us understand how another person is feeling, make predictions about what they’re going to do next, & learn through imitation. We can use our neural heritage to make guesses about what the other person is thinking & feeling. 1)

Next time you have a chat or meet with a person, ask yourself “What’s it like to be them right now?” Make a guess about what the other person is thinking & feeling. If appropriate, acknowledge it in your language.

The statement you make can range from the specific to the general. For instance:

•

In the case of the sales director, where I had specific information about his likely focus of attention, saying “Hi, I hear the sales figures sucked this month” was a very specific way of saying to him “I understand what you’re feeling”.

•

To a policeman I was chatting to in Dublin last weekend who said that he thought NLP was a load of nonsense, I said “When people are sceptical about this stuff, I usually tell them that they’re right to be sceptical. After all, until you’ve experienced just how powerful this can be for you in your own life, why would you have any reason to be otherwise?” Suddenly he became curious & asked to see the cards I was showing someone else. (If you recognise this sentence from a previous tip, it’s because I’ve started to use this as a ‘stock response’ whenever someone expresses scepticism about NLP.) In the case of a group of 500 teenagers I spoke to last year, I said "Hi guys. It's Monday morning, and we're all here at assembly, and you've all come here for a reason, so as you sit here listening to me, you may be wondering 'What has this guy got to say that's going to be interesting &

•

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valuable to me & my life?' The majority of the group immediately became attentive & engaged. It’s worth noticing something about my actions in these three situations: • • •

2)

In the case of the sales director, my statement was based on information received a few minutes earlier. In the case of the teenagers, I planned it out the day before the talk. In the case of the policeman, I responded in the moment to what he said (but I did use a stock phrase). Prepare some ‘stock responses’ for situations that crop up regularly in your life.

Taking a few minutes to do this today can massively increase your speed & effectiveness in connecting with people. 3)

Notice the response you get.

Of course! Whatever you do or say, notice the responses you get. People always respond, & when you’re focusing your attention on them, you can get valuable information about the impact you’re having. In part two, we’ll be looking at some other ways to get the kind of powerful rapport that paves the way for powerful coaching interactions (& powerful interactions of all sorts). I’ll also be unveiling a powerful new resources for people who want better coaching skills.

www.saladltd.co.uk 2008 Jamie Smart

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Secrets of NLP Coaching - Part Two - Instant Rapport Through State In Daniel Goleman’s book, “Social Intelligence”, he identifies the three qualities necessary for deep rapport as empathy (sensing what the other is feeling), attention (focusing your attention on the other person) & synchronisation (the physical entrainment often taught in NLP trainings). The combination of these three creates a “brain-to-brain link”, allowing us to powerfully influence one another. But how do you do this quickly & easily? Put your full attention on the other person They say that the most powerful currency for children is “attention”. In today’s hectic society, there is something incredibly powerful about having someone focus their full attention on you. 1)

Next time you are about to have a chat with someone, put your full attention on them. Notice how they respond.

For some people, listening is “something they do while waiting for their turn to speak”. But when you put your full attention on the other person, it’s a matter of really watching & listening to them. I tend to pay very close attention to their words, their tonality, their gestures & their eye movements (among other things). I once heard the amazing Frank Farrelly (creator of Provocative Therapy) say that when he works with someone, he pays the kind of attention you would pay if you were dismantling an unexploded bomb. The neediness detector As human beings, we all have built in “neediness detectors” – we can tell when someone wants us to do something. In general, the more needy someone is, the less we want to do what they want us to do. So what does this have to do with rapport & coaching? Well, many coaches have a deep need for their clients to change / achieve their goals / get certain results. While this is a fine desire, it sometimes gets confused with the coaches “ego needs” (eg. their desire to be perceived as a good coach). Paradoxically, this “need” for a positive result can stand in the way of getting a positive result. The solution? Accept yourself & the person you’re coaching exactly as you are. Accept yourself & the person you’re coaching exactly as you are. This may seem counter-intuitive. After all, if you accept people exactly as they are, then they won’t make the changes / achieve the goals etc etc, right? Right? Nope! www.saladltd.co.uk 2008 Jamie Smart

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Acceptance is one of the keys to powerful coaching relationships. You may not believe this, but I’ve actually been in Executive Coaching sessions where I did little more than accept the person as they were, & invite them to do the same. They experienced powerful shifts & were able to start making progress, where previously they’d spent their energies battling with themselves. 2)

Say to yourself “I accept myself exactly as I am” & notice any thoughts or sensations which emerge. Say “thank-you” to the thoughts & feelings, then repeat this process. A deep sense of peace will often emerge within a few rounds.

Once you’ve accepted yourself as you are, you can release any need for the other person to change in order to prove your worthiness / value / wonderfulness. After all, you’re already amazing, tremendous & inherently valuable, so you can relax! 3)

In your mind, accept your coaching subject as they are (Eg. by saying to yourself “I accept this person exactly as they are.”)

As you continue to focus your attention on the other person, you may be amazed as you discover an increasing warmth of connection between the two of you. I’m not going to go into synchronising movements etc – so much has already been written on matching & mirroring that I don’t want to repeat it here. However, you may already be aware that matching & mirroring emerge naturally when you’re in rapport with someone, so you should notice plenty of it as you put these tips into practice.

www.saladltd.co.uk 2008 Jamie Smart

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Secrets of NLP Coaching – Part Three – How to Get Leverage for Rapid Change Back in my consulting days, one of the buzzwords that got bandied about was “Total Quality Management”. TQM was popularised by W. Edwards Deming as a way for reducing costs & increasing customer loyalty by treating the organisation as a system, then focusing that system on quality through continual improvement (as an aside, this process of continual improvement is called “Kaizen” by the Japanese, who embraced Deming’s ideas early on). So how does all of this apply to coaching? Well, one of Deming’s principles was this: when you get the first 15% of a process ‘right’, the remaining 85% is much more likely to be effective. For this reason, I put a big focus on preparation for a coaching session, and the first few minutes of the session (some of which we’ve been looking at for the last few weeks). Here are some of the things I pay attention to:

•

Acceptance (including self-acceptance & acceptance of the client, exactly as they are).

•

Setting a ‘coaching intention’ (this involves having an intention for the session to be for the highest good / healing / success of the client)

•

Establishing rapport – change happens at the unconscious level, & rapport is one of the signs that you’ve engaged a person’s unconscious mind.

•

Belief / positive expectation – One of the coach’s jobs is to believe in their clients. Think about it – a lot of the time, a client’s main problem is that they either don’t believe in themselves, or that they don’t believe they can be/do/have what they want.

One of the things that the best NLP trainers & coaches communicate to the people they’re working with is this: “I believe in you”. Virtually everything I say & do when I’m working with clients is intended to communicate these sorts of messages: • • • • • •

“I believe in you” “You can do the things you’ve been thinking you couldn’t” “You’re capable of much more than you think you are” “You’re amazing, magnificent & wonderful" “You’re here for a reason – the world needs you" “You have value just for being you”

Sometimes you’ll hear me teasing clients I’m coaching, & often people ask me how that fits with what I’ve just told you, but it’s simple: When I tease clients, I’m sub-communicating something powerful – “I believe in you so much that I can actually poke fun at the thing you’ve been thinking was limiting you, because I know you’re capable of so much more.” 1)

Make a decision that you’re going to believe deeply in the potential & capability of the person you are coaching.

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Of course, this doesn’t have to be in a formal coaching situation. The same thing applies whether you’re chatting with a friend or the CEO of a multi-national. If you’re having trouble with this idea, consider this: The person you are coaching has the same kind of neuro-physiology as… • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Mother Teresa Joe Simpson & Simon Yates (the heroic climbers from “Touching the Void”) Bill Gates Tiger Woods Anita Roddick Picasso John Grinder Ghandi Marianne Williamson Donald Trump Madonna Lance Armstrong Richard Bandler Salvador Dali Martin Luther King Etc etc etc

Of course, the best way to sub-communicate that belief to the people you’re coaching is to model it for them, so… 2)

Decide to believe deeply in your own potential & capabilities, & general wonderfulness.

Deciding to believe in yourself is one of the greatest gifts you can give your clients, because it makes it even easier to believe in them. By the way, Deming’s research consistently showed that when organisations focus on quality, then quality tends to increase, & costs fall over time. But when organisations focus on cost, then costs tend to rise & quality declines over time. What you focus on increases!

www.saladltd.co.uk 2008 Jamie Smart

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Secrets of NLP Coaching - Part Four – Your Most Powerful Coaching Tools “I keep six faithful serving-men, Who serve me well and true: Their names are What and Where and When And How and Why and Who.” Rudyard Kipling It has been said that NLP is 95% information gathering. But how do you know what to pay attention to? And how can you get people to give you useful information? This week, we’ll be exploring some of the most powerful tools there are for coaching, consulting, sales – in fact, for any situation where you’re helping someone to be more successful. The first ‘NLP model’ ever created was a ‘map’ of how language could be used effectively in therapy. This map was created as a result of Bandler & Grinder modelling the questions used by Fritz Perls & Virginia Satir (the Eminem & Madonna of 20th Century psychotherapy). But here’s the thing – they didn’t just model the questions they used: they modelled what they used them in response to. The result was The Meta-Model, a set of the most powerful coaching tools there is. In fact, I’ve heard Richard Bandler say that if you gave a person just the Meta-Model, they would eventually discover the rest of NLP. Good questions are powerful. Why? Because they initiate a number of processes at the unconscious level. For instance, ask yourself: 1)

What was it that first sparked your interest in NLP? [in coaching / hypnosis / the mind etc]

As you ponder this simple but powerful question (adapted / adopted from Christina Hall, PhD) your unconscious mind is doing a number of powerful things: • • • •

•

•

Searching through time for reference experiences & bringing them more powerfully into conscious awareness Comparing these experiences with certain criteria to help get clarification (eg. was this one the first? Did it truly spark my interest?) Increasing the intensity of the interest that you feel (even if it only increases a little bit at first) Organising & re-organising your perception of the information- after all, as you consider the answer to this question here today, you are creating a new perception / memory / experience – your experience of answering this question today. Learning – when Christina Hall told us “As you answer these questions, you are learning” it reframed my idea of what learning is. I love the idea that just by setting out to answer this question, you’re learning something. Better still, the unconscious mind continues to search answers to the question, even after a person gives an answer verbally.

So, here are a few more of my favourite questions. As the person answers these questions, watch & listen – they will give you all kinds of non-verbal clues about how their internal map of what they want, why they want it, and how they’ve been stopping themselves from getting it until now. www.saladltd.co.uk 2008 Jamie Smart

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•

“What do you want?” – this is a great way to focus someone’s mind at the start of a coaching session, whether formal or informal. This question acknowledges the goal-seeking nature of human beings, & starts to align their system around what they want.

•

“How will you know you’ve got it?” This cool question gets a person to imagine themselves having what they want, then to figure out how they know - it’s very powerful.

Of course, I don’t put them on the spot by asking them directly. Instead, I’ll establish rapport then say something like this: “One of the things I like to find out from my clients is ‘What do you want?’ and ‘How will you know you’ve got what you want?’ so at some point in the session I’ll ask them. And typically I’ll get three kinds of answer: With some people, when I ask ’What do you want?’, they’ll tell me what they want, while with others, they tell me what they don’t want. But the third group, when I ask ’What do you want?’ they say they don’t know. At which point, I ask them ‘Would you like to know what you want?’ & they say yes, & I say good, so that’s the first thing you want, isn’t it, & they usually laugh & relax a bit more. So anyway, as you sit here listening to me, what is it that you want?” As you can see, by the time I actually ask the person directly, I’ve already asked them the question three times while telling them the story, as well as telling them it’s OK not to know consciously yet continue to engage in the process.

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Secrets of NLP Coaching – Part Five – The Information-Gathering Frame In part four, we started exploring the idea that NLP is 95% information gathering, & that questions are one of your most powerful coaching tools. In this part, we’re going to look at some questions you can ask yourself to create a uniquely powerful coaching frame. While it’s important to have great questions to ask your clients, there are a number of questions I ask myself when I’m working with a client that are equally powerful in helping create a strong coaching frame. Here are some of them: • • • • •

“What must be true of them for them to say / do / believe that?” “How are they doing that?” “How does their ‘problem’ work? What are the steps they are taking?” “What are they trying to accomplish? What’s the purpose of this? How does this make sense?” “What’s important in all of this?”

These questions acknowledge some of the powerful presuppositions of NLP: • • •

All behaviour has a positive intention (ie. it is purposeful) People aren’t broken, so you don’t need to fix them The map is not the territory.

All behaviour has a positive intention (ie. it is purposeful) The human nervous system is goal-seeking. Even the most bizarre behaviours make sense when you understand what goal is being sought. While these goals are often held out of conscious awareness, the unconscious mind knows what the goal is. People aren’t broken, so you don’t need to fix them People work perfectly – their ‘problems’ are actually skills, and their ‘issues’ are actually accomplishments. People are actually far more robust than they are often given credit for. The map is not the territory. Remember, people don’t respond directly to ‘reality’, but rather to the ‘maps’ or ‘models’ of reality that they have created, and that exist in their nervous systems. When someone is experiencing a problem or challenge, it is useful to consider the problem or challenge as a limitation in their map of the world, rather than in the world itself. By helping someone update their map of the world, their problems, issues and limitations can disappear. By the same token, a person with great talents and abilities has a rich map of the world. We can all enrich our maps and models and live happier, more vibrant, fulfilling lives. When someone is sitting in front of me for coaching, they often come with some problem they’ve tried to solve in a bunch of different ways already, & it hasn’t worked. I assume that the person works perfectly, that there’s a positive

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intention behind what’s going on for them, & that they are doing it in a structured way – this gives me three big advantages: a) A different perspective & attitude from everyone else who’s tried to help them “solve this problem”. b) Rapport with their unconscious mind (remember, their unconscious almost certainly perceives the “problem” as a solution that’s getting a positive result.) c) The opportunity to discover the structure of what they’ve been perceiving as a limitation – to understand how they “do” their problem. So, in relation to someone you may be coaching, or someone you know who hasn’t been able to solve some problem yet, ask yourself: 1) “What is the positive intention behind this behaviour / belief / problem or challenge? What purpose is it serving?” When you assume that there’s a positive intention, this instantly helps build rapport with their unconscious mind (after all, they’ve probably been fighting their unconscious). 2) “How does their ‘problem’ work? What are the steps they are taking?” You can assume that people do things in a systematic, patterned way. Then it’s just a matter of finding out what the patterns are! In part six, we’ll start looking at questions you can use to find out the answers to these questions from the other person, but start by loading the questions into your own mind. They will give you new insights into the people around you.

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Secrets of NLP Coaching - Part Six - How To Ask Questions with Purpose Last week we explored questions you can ask yourself for setting a strong frame for coaching. This week, we’ll look at some powerful questions you can use with others that won’t just give you high-quality information – they’ll get your client to start opening up new possibilities & moving in new directions. I’m currently attending a language course with the amazing Christina Hall PhD (Chris is one of the most highly skilled people in the NLP world when it comes to language, & we’re exploring it in depth.) Early on in the course, she was telling us about the time she spent with Richard Bandler in the early days of NLP, developing some of the material that was to become its “core syllabus”. One of the things he told her about was the importance of questions. “Remember”, he said, “your questions must be defined by purpose.” Your questions must be defined by purpose Every question will guide a person’s attention in a certain direction. You see, the unconscious mind is affected by the ‘presuppositions’ in the questions you ask (you can think of presuppositions as “what must be accepted as true for the sentence to make sense”). Here are some examples: Sentence “Bees make honey”

Some of its presuppositions Bees exist, honey exists, it’s possible to make honey

“What’s the problem?” “What do you want?”

There’s a specific problem You exist, wanting is possible, there’s something you want,

So far, so good. Here’s where the fun starts. 1)

Identify something in your life that you’ve been perceiving as a problem until now. Then ask yourself “How have I perceived this as a problem until now?”

This question presupposes a number of things, including… • There’s more than one way of perceiving what you had been calling a problem • That perceiving it as a problem was just that – a perception! In addition, it does some cool things with time. First of all, the word “perceived” puts the perception into the past, then the “until now” implies that things have changed. Remember, all change takes place at the unconscious level, & the unconscious mind processes at the level of presupposition. Just by understanding the sentence, the presuppositions are accepted! This is powerful. It means that just by asking questions, you’re directing a person’s attention, & inviting them to reorganise their experience. www.saladltd.co.uk 2008 Jamie Smart

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You can even use smaller elements of this to great effect. For instance, if a client states a problem, you can append words & phrases to the end of their sentence, with powerful results. For instance: Client: Coach:

I haven’t made any progress. Until now…

Client: Coach:

It’s so difficult to make changes. But not for us!

Client: Coach:

I don’t seem to be able to do this. Yet…you can become curious about how soon you’ll notice your increasing skills.

The “until now”, “but not for us” and the “yet” will cause the person to reprocess the meaning of what they’ve said in different ways (if you don’t believe me, state a limitation or problem, then get a friend to say “Until now” or “yet” afterwards & notice what happens). 2)

Notice what happens when you turn your attention to what you had described as a problem in exercise 1. How have you already begun to perceive this differently now?

Energy flows where attention goes. Just by asking yourself these questions, you will have created new cortical pathways in your mind. But have you already realised just how much you have been learning here today? 3)

Consider the questions in exercise 2 and in the paragraph above. What do they presuppose? What are some of the ways that you’ve already begun to become aware of that you can apply these in your own life?

Questions change your perceptions, & the perceptions of the people you communicate with. And when your perceptions change, your reality changes. That’s why questions are one of your most powerful coaching tools.

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Secrets of NLP Coaching – Part Seven – The Magic Minute and How You Can Use It Did you know that people will tell you everything you need to know in order to help them in the very first minute, as long as you can see, hear & utilise their unconscious messages? This week, we’ll explore how you can tune in to this ‘magic minute’ & use what you discover to make a powerful impact. The Magic Minute A few weeks ago, I was coaching someone who had been given the job of managing an important business project. I started in my usual way by asking her “What do you want?” She raised her eyes to the heavens & said “I don’t know where to start”, then began to think about what she wanted. At a conscious mind level, she was telling me “I don’t know where to start in answering your question”, but at an unconscious level, she was telling me exactly what he rproblem with the project had been: she’d been given a large & complex project to manage, with a number of critical component, & she literally didn’t know where to start. The first words out of her mouth, words which had been presented as a comment about the coaching process we were engaged in, were a statement of exactly what the “problem” had been. She had told me what was going on with the first six words out of her mouth. Watch & listen “People will tell you everything you need to know in order to help them in the first minute.” This is what I was told when I first started learning NLP, & the more I believe it, the truer it gets. I assume that a person’s unconscious mind is doing everything it possibly can to give me clues so that I can help them. These clues come in various forms, so here are a few tips for identifying them. Pay attention to asides Like the example above, the unconscious mind often communicates important information in “asides” & “throwaway comments”. Pay attention to these comments, & open to the possibility that they are communications from the unconscious mind. Tune in to the first thing out of their mouth My co-trainer, Peter Freeth, has a specialty working with people who have fear of public speaking. One of his clients asked him to speak at as conference, & Peter immediately replied “Yes”. The client said “I wish I could accept an invitation to speak in public as easily as you just did.” It turned out that the man had been trying to conquer his “fear of public speaking” for 25 years, but to no avail. By paying attention to the sentence above, Peter determined that he didn’t even have a fear of public speaking – his fear was of something else. In less than 25 www.saladltd.co.uk 2008 Jamie Smart

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minutes, Peter helped him become someone who enjoyed public speaking & the rest is history! (See if you can figure out how Peter determined this from the statement above). Take people literally I was doing a demo at the Cambridge NLP group last night, & I asked the man I was working with “How have you managed to perceive that as a problem until now?” (regarding a challenge he was facing). He said “Because it’s so big…” The human mind & body have developed for the world of things & experience – words are a relatively new arrival. I took him literally – his internal representation of the particular challenge he was facing was “Humongous! It fills the room!” (he leaned his head back & looked up to the ceiling as he talked about it). I asked him “What happens when you shrink it down to a manageable size?” Instantly, he started to relax. 1)

In the days & weeks ahead, pay particular attention to the first things out of a person’s mouth. You may be amazed at what you discover!”

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At Salad, we are committed to your learning and development, so we want you to have great stuff. Part of our strategy involves giving our best stuff away, so here are some links to some of our best stuff. You can have all this for free! Jamie Smart’s NLP Tips An e-zine chock full of great NLP related tips you can put into practice right away, as well as links to Salad courses & products, as well as a free e-book worth £19.95, ‘10 of the Coolest, Most Powerful & Useful NLP Techniques I’ve Ever Learned.’ Sign up for yours free now at http://www.saladltd.co.uk/1.htm NLP Coaching Tips Learn secrets that most people (including most NLP Practitioners!) don’t know about NLP coaching. These tips (soon to be published) will give you details every week of practical techniques, ideas and approaches you can use to get great coaching results. In addition, you’ll get a free e-book worth £19.95, ‘The Top 10 Secrets of NLP Coaching Language’. Sign up for yours free now at http://www.saladltd.co.uk/2.htm Irresistible Influence Language Course Sign up for this FREE 1 year Irresistible Influence Course (a £29.95 value) for a weekly dose of influence language, as well as a free e-book worth £19.95, ‘The Top 10 Secrets of Ethically Outrageous Influence.’ Sign up for yours free now at http://www.saladltd.co.uk/3.htm Unconditional Happiness Tips Every week, you’ll receive a quick reminder of the principles that will help you to experience more happiness, joy and freedom in every area of your life, as well as more of the things and experiences you desire. In addition, you’ll get a free e-book worth £19.95, ‘The Top 10 Secrets of Unconditional Happiness’. Sign up for yours free now at http://www.saladltd.co.uk/4.htm Hypnotic Language Course Sign up for this FREE 1 year Hypnotic Language Course (a £29.95 value) for a weekly dose of hypnotic language, as well as a free e-book worth £19.95, ‘The Top 10 Secrets of Conversational Hypnosis’. Sign up for yours free now at http://www.saladltd.co.uk/5.htm

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About the Author Jamie Smart is the Managing Director of Salad Seminars Ltd, as well as the principal trainer. He spent much of the nineties leading large, mission-critical business projects and change programmes. In the process, he found that individual change is the key to collective change, and became fascinated with helping people achieve the results they want. This fascination led him to NLP, and he has spent from 1996 to the present day learning from the finest teachers and materials, and applying what he’s learned. Jamie is an NLP Master Practitioner and is licensed by Richard Bandler and the Society of NLP as a Trainer of Neuro-linguistic Programming (NLP). Jamie is author of The NLP Tip, an e-zine which goes to thousands of people around the world each week (available from www.saladltd.co.uk), as well as the creator of Ericksonian Hypnosis CardsTM and many other products. He lives in Leicestershire (UK). When he isn’t helping other people get what they want, he likes going for long walks in the woods, listening to music and reading.

Acknowledgements I’ve been fortunate to learn from a number of great NLP Trainers and other innovative thinkers and teachers. Thanks to anyone whose efforts have made their way into this work. Specific thanks to… • • • • • • • • •

Richard Bandler John Grinder Joseph Riggio Eric Robbie Jo Cooper Peter Seal Timothy Leary Marianne Williamson Michael Breen • Sháá Wasmund

• • • • • • • • •

Robert Dilts Sid Jacobson Jonathan Altfeld Robert Anton Wilson Ian Watson Michael Neill John La Valle Paul McKenna Christina Hall

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