The Nonviolent Communication (NVC) Process

The Nonviolent Communication (NVC) Process Monday, 26 May, 2008 “Did you ever notice how difficult it is to argue with someone who is not obsessed with being right.” - Wayne W. Dyer Blog Improving Our “Signals” and “Beings” Home » Blog » The Nonviolent Communication (NVC) Process How to Be a People Magnet Discover how with the communication secrets given to you in the FREE Earthling Communication newsletter by signing up below now: I will never give out or abuse your details + Communication Home - Communication Home Assertive Skills Conflict Management Conversation Skills Interpersonal Skills Listening Public Speaking Self Understanding Writing Skills + Related Self Development - Related Self Development Attraction Confidence Grief Happiness Inspiration Leadership Motivation Stress Management Success + Blog - Blog Assertive Skills Attraction Confidence Conflict Management Conversation Skills Happiness Inspiration Interpersonal Relationships Leadership Negotiation Parenting Reviews Success Videos Useful Resources Blog Books and Resources Communication Articles Communication Secrets Double Your Dating Free Relationship Advice Master Persuasion! RSS Feeds Free Reports and Courses The NVC Process Fearlessly Communicating and Talking with Confidence How to Be Interesting Without Saying a Word

Inferiority Complex and the Self-image The 6 Principles of Influencing People 5 Part Course on Apologizing Other Contact Donate Log in Register Catch and Keep "Mr Right"... ...With Catch Him and Keep Him. Discover for free: › The five things women do that annoy men and kill intimacy › What to do if your man has a "wandering eye" › How to "cheat-proof" your relationship... and why he might be tempted › And much, much more... I highly recommend it. Check it out now by clicking here. The Nonviolent Communication (NVC) Process 10 September 2007 | 14:45 | Assertive Skills, Conflict Management, Interpersonal Relationships, Leadership, Parenting | 10 Comments You’re about to unlock what I believe is the greatest human need in communication. I’m going to show you how to connect with your fellow human being in the most intimate way possible – a way that many people have never experienced their entire life. This is something I know the world so desperately needs. It is something that you so desperately need. I would not pour excessive amounts of time and effort into this article if I failed to believe this article would change how you think about communication forever. See if you can figure out the common thread between the following short scenarios: Your partner leaves the room in anger after another argument; A friend lashes out on you despite you having done nothing wrong; Your children’s constant disobedience makes you extremely frustrated causing you to yell and do other things you later regret; Your supervisor or boss orders you to complete a task leaving you to feel controlled like a puppet on a stick. These are just a list of common scenarios where we know there is a better way to handle the situation, but we just can’t figure it out. A lot of the times, our emotions get the better of us causing us to handle the situation poorly, yet often in these times of conflict there is something we can’t quite put our finger on. We know something is wrong and that we can fix it, but something we don’t know is going on is just out of our reach. Why does your partner become angry at you when you remain calm and willing to communicate? Why would a friend lash out on you despite you having done nothing wrong? Why does your children’s disobedience seem as though they are doing it constantly on purpose? Why does communication at work seem to only be on the surface as it ignores the more important issues skin-deep? There are thousands of similar situations to the ones listed above that all have a common thread. Let’s face it, everything we say to another person attempts to get a response from them. Whether we are trying to get a person to agree, comply

with our request, conduct a certain behavior, feel a certain emotion, or simply listen in silence – there is a response each of us seek because we want to be acknowledged that we were received (that’s a hint with regard to the commonality amongst the above situations). Your partner would not become angry at you and your children would work with you – instead of against you – if you followed this rule. Everything we say to another person attempts to get a response from them.It is said that all communication is hypnosis because all communication is about inducing states within people. Some people are more effective in inducing states of emotion and thought within others because they have more effective communication skills. A salesman who can induce the desired buying state of emotion and thought in a buyer will likely make the sale instead of a salesman who desperately tries to persuade and sell. We are all constantly trying to make others feel, think, or behave a certain way with our communication. The process I’m about to discuss in this article is one created by the Center for Nonviolent Communication. The organization is a nonprofit organization founded by Marshall Rosenberg who has written Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. Marshall and a couple hundred other people who are well trained in the process, conduct workshops throughout the world teaching people their techniques which is known as Nonviolent Communication (NVC). The NVC process has changed the lives of millions of people who have learned the techniques directly and those who have been fortunate enough to have those trained in the NVC process use the techniques on them. By learning the NVC process, which I’m going to teach you below, you will be extremely effective in inducing a state of connection with the person you are talking to. I’m talking about a level of connection that most people will never experience in their entire life. If you are after a process that changes a person’s behavior, then NVC is not the best one to use in your situation. NVC is about building an intimate relationship and connecting with people at a deep level by using effective communication to met the needs of both people involved. I’m not saying it can’t be used to change a person’s behavior – it definitely can – but the underlying purpose of the process is to breakdown conflict to let people connect at a very intimate level. Once you have sufficiently gone through certain steps in the process, then you can begin using your negotiation skills to persuade the person. If you try to persuade the person upfront without having used the NVC process, you will often find the person resisting you – emotionally blocking you out – and ignoring what you have to say. This is especially true for you if you feel others don’t understand you. When a person disagrees with you, refuses to comply with a request, or is angry at you, a poor communicator will firstly try to express oneself. The person seeks to be understood before seeking to understand. An effective communicator and one who uses the NVC process, will seek to understand the person, which in turn leads to their own need of being understood. The secret to being understood is to understand. The secret to being understood is to understand.Remember that little teaser above where I said I’d tell you the commonality amongst the situations mentioned earlier? What I said about the need to be understood is that shared relationship. Your angry partner wants to be understood. Your friend wants to be understood and will have almost zero frustration once you understand. Your children want to be understood which will lead them to talking to you about intimate issues. Even your boss and supervisor want to be understood. The power of Nonviolent Communication

lies in understanding others and having them understand you. Answer this question truthfully. How many people in your life truly understand you on a frequent basis? Think about the question for some time because it’s important to have an understanding of understanding. If you’re like most people, you won’t have one person in your life that frequently and truly understands you when the two of you communicate together. If you are fortunate enough to have someone who understands you when the two of you are talking together, show your gratitude to the person by telling them right now how thankful you are. Phone the person if need be. Having an understanding person in your life does amazing things for your mental health which is why we need to be understanding and be understood. I asked this question because I want to demonstrate the scarce number of people in this world who seek to intimately understand the people they talk to. Very few people actually care about understanding others and as a result, they fail to be understood. I believe this is why most individuals who complain about “no one understands me” are constantly misunderstood. They live on a one-way street seeking to receive before they give. Violence is so widespread because on one hand there is one person desperately wanting to be understood, and on the other hand is another person they are in conflict with wanting to be understood. The failure to see each other’s needs means neither has his needs met causing an outbreak of emotional or possibly physical destruction. Ignorance to understanding another person without imposing judgments or solutions is what I believe to be a secret of world peace. “Peace cannot be achieved through violence,” said Ralph Waldo Emerson, “it can only be attained through understanding.” The anger and frustration present in everyday situations appears to be irrelevant to deeper issues, yet it is our little bursts of anger that contribute to a global scale of war and hatred. Our everyday outbursts of anger, frustration, and misunderstandings has as much – but probably greater – impact on peace and love than kind actions. I’ve written about the reciprocation rule and how you can get a lot of the things you wish – often in greater quantities – by firstly doing that which you wish to be done to you. That sounds a bit wishy-washy, but it is a universal law that holds true in many of life’s situations. Once you learn to understand others, they will be far more willing to understand you. The need to be understood is quite possibly the greatest unmet need amongst humankind. If you can fulfill someone’s need to be understood, you will trigger amazing things that you’ve likely never experienced when communicating with someone. Thanks to Dan Kennedy, a great marketer that I intently learn from, I came across a quote by Cavett Robert, the founder of the National Speakers Association, who said, “Most people are walking around, umbilical cord in hand, looking for a new place to plug it in.” If you can be that “socket” by understanding the person and empathically receiving the person’s needs, you will build a powerful connection with the person. You will see something about the person change before your very eyes. They will know something deep is going on as you build an amazing connection and relationship. The need to be understood is quite possibly the greatest unmet need amongst humankind.The Nonviolent Communication process is a very simple technique once you understand it; though it is not exactly simple to use because emotional pollution clogs your thinking. With practice, you will

become better at implementing the process and be more successful in your communication and relationships. Over time, provided you continually practice the techniques and polish your skills, you will become excellent at using the process because you have got to be willing to learn, change, and grow. Nobel Prize winner George Bernard Shaw said, “Those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.” The process has four steps: observing, feeling, needing, and requesting. There are really eight steps because you firstly apply the four steps to the other person, then you apply them to yourself. Remember what I said before about seeking to understand before being understood? Applying the stages firstly on the other person is a way of initiating understanding so that you can be understood. You firstly empathically go through the four steps with the other person, then you apply the four steps to yourself. This is a very important concept to grasp. You go through the four steps first on the other person otherwise he or she will not listen to what you’re saying. Use the visualization of picking up a vacuum and firstly having to empathically “suck up” the person’s communication. You then turn on the reverse switch and “spit it out” in an empathic manner. Having successfully done this process, you are then ready to use NVC on yourself. Most people, including myself, identify a few problems in firstly focusing on the other person. If you haven’t identified one or a few of these now, you’ll likely come across them as you continue to read about the process below. The biggest concern when using NVC in this manner is that you are forgoing your own needs and concerns. People think they have to suppress their own needs and emotions such as anger. The process actually encourages you to express intense emotions – especially anger – but not in the way we are conditioned to believe that is good for us. Observing The first step of the process involves observing the other person. By far, the greatest mistake in this stage is observing the person with an evaluation. People evaluate by using judgments in their observations which pollutes their understanding of what they see and hear in the person they are listening to. Think of a birdwatcher who is carefully and calmly admiring nearby birds. The birdwatcher doesn’t disturb the birds. Rather, he carefully watches to see what the birds are doing while listening to the sounds they make. He may even respond to a bird’s sound in the same manner by whistling. At the observation stage, if people were birdwatchers and they were observing a bird (the other person), they would fire gunshots, scream, and throw rocks at the bird. Shooting a gun, screaming, and throwing rocks at a bird is equal to evaluating the person you are “listening” to instead of just observing. I can almost guarantee you that when you’re listening to your partner, a customer, or coworker, that your “effective communication” and “excellent listening skills” involve shooting a gun at the person by evaluating them through judgments. I estimate that 99% of people using the process fail at this stage, but I occasionally fail at this stage so don’t get discouraged. It is a tough concept to grasp for many people. Evaluations can take many forms. An evaluation basically means you are not receiving someone’s communication for what it truly is. You mostly “shoot a gun,” “scream,” and “throw rocks” when observing by judging, criticizing, blaming, or using general words.

Those who have my communication secrets of making people like you program will deeply understand the common ways we intoxicate our ability to listen to others. I believe your ability to actively listen without polluting the person’s message with your thoughts and feelings is one of the greatest communication skills you can obtain. This is why I’ve written separate chapters in the book on criticism, diagnosing, labeling, reassuring, and moralizing. They are the greatest destroyers of relationships. Understanding them allows you to communicate in a “magnetic manner” that builds a connection in your relationship. I’ll give you some common examples of how people stuff up the listening process by using the 12 communication barriers I give in my program. The first part of the dialog is person one, while the second part is person two who uses the communication barriers: 1. Criticism - “I’m trying to improve my skills in that area.” “Good. Because you’ve really sucked at it recently.” 2. Labeling - “I wish you would do house work more often.” “You’re just a nagger.” 3. Diagnosing - “I don’t want to go out right now.” “You’re just saying that because you’re mad about last night.” 4. Praising - “There! Done! Happy I’ve done the work now?” “You’re great for doing that job!” 5. Ordering - “I need a break from working.” “It doesn’t matter. Do what I told you to do now.” 6. Threatening - “I need a break from working.” “It doesn’t matter. Do what I told you to do now or I’ll make you do more.” 7. Questioning - “I’m feeling depressed about what happened today.” “You’re depressed again?” 8. Moralizing - “I don’t want to donate to charity.” “It’ll be good for you to help out.” 9. Advising - “I can’t believe my friendship has ended with Jenny.” “You shouldn’t have talked with her about Bob the other day.” 10. Logic - “I’m so angry right now because of my boss at work today!” “You’re a good worker and know what you’re doing.” 11. Reassuring - “I’m worried about performing well at the presentation tomorrow.” “You’ve got great skill and will perform fine.” 12. Deflecting - “Argh! I can’t believe Jerry always bugs me.” “Oh yeah. Speaking of people being bugging, his friend John annoyed me the other day. There is a lot more to these 12 secrets so I encourage you to read more about them here. These are all times that we should be observing the speaker instead of providing evaluations. Here are some more examples of evaluations and the reason why they are evaluations: “You’re very kind by helping out.” - The word “kind” is a moralistic word as it is judgmental and distinguishes the behavior as good or bad. “I reckon Mary is ugly.” - The adjective “ugly” evaluates Mary’s looks. “All guys are clueless about managing a relationship.” - Too generalized and not specific enough. “She avoids me.” - The person needs to provide evidence as to why the woman avoids him/her. Also, the word “avoid” needs to not be used as it assumes the woman’s behavior is avoiding when in fact there are many other possibilities. “Britney, you don’t like my helping you.” - How does the person know Britney doesn’t like the person’s help? The person tries to mind-read instead of stating some visible emotional or physiological aspect that gives the signal of her dislike. In Frogs Into Princes by Richard Bandler and John Grinder, the authors discuss common words that damage communication. Each of us have our own representational system where we access information based on how it feels,

sees, or smells. (If you don’t understand that, then I recommend you go visit my review of Frogs Into Princes and go grab yourself a copy of the book.) You build rapport and connection by talking directly to the person’s representational system. If the person uses seeing words in their language, then you can use seeing words to build rapport. A problem arises when words such as think, believe, or sense are used as they are to general and confusing. They don’t match any representational system, but more detrimental is the fact that they can be misinterpreted. When you use generalized words or what is known as “Universal Quantifiers” such as always, never, ever, at all, and anytime, you are polluting your observation with an evaluation. You evaluate that the situation occurs always or never instead of truly observing when it happens. These examples are often exaggerations and not the truth – hence an evaluation. Using those words will likely evoke defensive behaviors and intensify arguments. A wife who wants more intimacy with her husband may use the following statement to evaluate her husband, “Whenever I try and communicate or be intimate with you, you always avoid me.” Using such a statement will stimulate a typical response to an evaluating observation: the person will feel cornered and become extremely defensive. Arguments will break out and nothing good will come out of the conversation. It’s vital to be specific in your wording. You can be specific by recalling a past situation and directly referring to it. The wife would be better off saying, “Last night when I tried to talk with you while we were sitting down and watching T.V., I felt unhappy because I needed to share my experiences with you.” That statement incorporates the next two step we will soon discuss. An alternative application of universal quantifiers is clarifying someone else’s communication. Sally says, “My husband never appreciates me”, to which an effective communicator would reply, “Are you sure he never has?” Because we often use universal quantifiers as unconscious exaggerations to make a point more profound, clarifying the exaggeration and helping the person to become more aware and specific allows a solution to be more easily achieved. An effective observing statement typically starts off with, “When you hear…” or “When you see…” The goal of this stage is to reflect back to the person what you are observing. As stated, it must be free of evaluations. Don’t be focused on the intellectual level when reflecting back what you are observing. It will greatly hurt the person’s feeling of connection with you. (There’s a whole chapter in my communication secrets program on the balance of logic and emotion in your communication.) It’s vitally important to be focused on emotion and not logic. In other words, reflect back the person’s feelings and not what the person is thinking. Reflecting back what the person is thinking involves judgment and evaluation on your part because you don’t know what they are thinking. Some good examples of observing are: “When you hear me tell you to do work around the house…” “I see that you’re unhappy with the changes in the office?” “It sounds to me as though you’re worried about losing a friend.” “I see that you’re excited about winning tonight!” These statements are all free from polluting judgments and other evaluations – allowing you to build understanding and empathy. A lot of times your observation may be incorrect, but this doesn’t matter when you observe without evaluating because the person will correct you.

When using the observation step on yourself (think of it as the fifth step), it is again vitally important to remove evaluations. This will help you gain clarity as to what you really need which will help you fulfill that need. You are verbalizing these observations to the person you are communicating with once you have used the four stages on the other person. Observing statements of yourself that you communicate to the other person typically start off with, “When I hear…” or “When I see…” Examples include: “When I hear you speak loudly…” “When I see you walk away from me…” “When I come home from work…” “When I don’t hear your appreciation of my cooking…” It’s just as important to not include evaluations from the observations of yourself. Your goal is to communicate yourself clearly such that the other person understands what you’re feeling. Evaluative statements of the above examples with regards to observing yourself would include: “When I hear you become angry…” “When I see you avoid me…” “When I come home from work and see you annoy me…” “When you don’t like my cooking…” Bad, bad, bad. These are all evaluative statements. Here you are judging the person to be angry or avoiding you. You criticize the person that they annoy you or dislike your cooking. Again, I highly recommend you read about my program by clicking here and grab your copy to learn more about ways you “poison” communication. Feeling Having observed the person, you’re next step is to identify the feelings he or she is experiencing. Like the first step, there are a few common mistakes made at this stage that destroy effective communication. But before I list the common mistakes and how to express the person’s feelings as well as your own feelings, I’ll give you a few successful feeling statements to give you an idea of what this step involves. Continuing on from the provided examples in the observing stage for the other person: “When you hear me tell you to do work around the house, you feel overwhelmed…” “I see that you’re unhappy with the changes in the office? This makes you feel restless…” “It sounds to me as though you’re worried about losing a friend. This makes you feel brokenhearted…” “I see that you’re excited about winning tonight! You feel energetic…” Also, continuing on from the provided examples in the observing stage for yourself: “When I hear you speak loudly, I feel scared…” “When I see you walk away from me, I feel detached…” “When I come home from work, I feel exhausted…” “When I don’t hear your appreciation of my cooking, I feel depressed…” Upon seeing those statements, which involve the observing and feeling steps, you’re probably thinking that the feeling stage is very simple. You might be saying, “Cool. All I gotta say is what the other person feels and what I feel.” If it only were that simple people wouldn’t go wrong at this stage. One of the greatest mistakes made is choosing the wrong feeling. I consider myself an emotionally aware guy with regards to my own emotions and others’ emotions, yet I still incorrectly state my own and other’s feelings. However, incorrectly expressing someone’s feelings isn’t as much a concern as incorrectly expressing your own feelings. It is more

important to accurately express your own emotions than it is to accurately express the other person’s emotions. When expressing other’s feelings, it doesn’t really matter if you incorrectly express their feelings because the person will likely correct you. But unless the person has good communication skills and a good ability to interpret emotions, you’re the only person who will accurately express your feelings so it’s important to choose an accurate feeling. Having a good emotional vocabulary is an essential part of the Nonviolent Communication process. In the example, “When I see you walk away from me, I feel detached…”, if the person instead said, “When I see you walk away from me, I feel angry…” a huge misunderstanding will occur – assuming that the person actually feels detached instead of angry. It is easy to confuse feeling detached with anger. The person may be angry, but what’s more important is their feeling of anger coming from the disconnection occurring from the detachment. Saying that oneself is angry is too vague in this example because it can be misinterpreted in various ways. The Nonviolent Communication book has a useful large list of feelings when our needs are being met and when our needs aren’t being met. I encourage you to read up on the list a few times to expand your emotional vocabulary. Alternatively, you can view a list of feelings online. After not having a large emotional vocabulary, another big mistake is the wrong level of responsibility for your own and others’ emotions. You need to take complete responsibility for your own emotions while not taking responsibility for other people’s emotions. Let me explain. You need to take complete responsibility for your own emotions while not taking responsibility for other people’s emotions.Firstly, when failing to take responsibility for how you feel, you will blame, condemn, and criticize others for how you feel. You feel a victim of this world. Other people become the reason for your pain. I believe we all have to continually remind ourselves to take responsibility for how we feel because we often see ourselves as a victim of another’s actions. In addition to taking responsibility for your own feelings, it’s important to not be responsible for other people’s feelings. When relationships advance in importance, it’s common to begin feeling responsible for the person’s emotions. If your partner is grumpy, then you may feel responsible to make him or her happy. If your partner is sad, then you may feel responsible to lift them out of their depressing mood. Statements such as, “What did I do to make you feel…” and “Have I caused you to feel…” are signs of feeling responsible for other person’s feelings. This feeling of responsibility is dangerous to a happy and successful relationship. The person you feel responsible for becomes a liability. I’m not saying you must ignore the person’s emotions. Definitely not. Rather, you need to empathize with the person instead of making yourself responsible. Observing without evaluation and expressing the person’s feelings is powerful empathy at work. Take note of that. Express the person’s feelings; don’t express the person’s thoughts or words. This process is far more helpful for you, your partner, and the relationship, than the many ways feeling responsible manifest. Your partner storms into the room you are in and starts shouting at you. You will communicate poorly when engaging an emotionally intense person with logical statements or making yourself responsible for how the person is feeling. In this example, logical statements could include, “I didn’t do that,” “That isn’t what happened,” and “You’re missing the point.” Instead of talking about the content of what your partner is saying and getting caught up in a logical battle that can’t be won, you need to focus on the feelings by empathizing. An effective statement would be, “You feel

angry because you need…” With intense emotions, one or two empathizing statements are likely to not be enough. Just keep going through the process and you’ll see amazing communication changes taking place. To continue the blatant self-promotion, because I really believe you will benefit, I highly recommend you get my communication secrets program by clicking here and reading the chapter on logic and emotion. Needing A lot of what I discussed in the feeling stage with regards to responsibility is just as important in the needing stage. It’s common to blame and criticize others when stating your needs. You don’t actually state your need, but rather complain about the person not doing something you want. You also must not feel responsible for the person’s needs. Remember to empathize instead of feeling responsible. Once you do this, then you can take the necessary steps to fulfill the person’s needs. I understand this is what people are trying to achieve when feeling responsible for other people’s feelings and needs, but the outcome in doing so isn’t desirable and is often damaging to the relationship. In the needing stage, your first goal is to express the other person’s needs so you and they know what it is that they require. Your second goal is to express your needs to let the other person know what it is that you require. In the Nonviolent Communication process, this is the third and seventh stage respectively. The definition of a “need” says it is a requirement. For our use, it also incorporates something you or the other person wants like personal space, quietness, or attention. By focusing on the needs of those concerned and your own, you communicate at a whole new layer of communication. When we want something, we complain about what we don’t want. There’s a very powerful distinction here. A manager needs the status quo completed, but instead he blames employees and criticizes them with statements like, “You’re not working fast enough. I can’t afford for you to be working at this pace.” In addition to the criticizing and vague statements, the manager hasn’t stated what he wants. He has just said that he “…can’t afford for you to be working at this pace.” The manager may have the goal of achieving the status quo and a good intention to not hurt employees, but this isn’t the message that is being received. The employees will feel attacked in addition to not knowing what exactly their manager wants. I highly doubt this manager will have a happy and productive workforce. A husband comes home from work and needs some personal space, while his wife needs some intimacy and communication. Instead of the husband saying he needs personal space, he’ll say what he doesn’t want like, “I don’t want you to bug me” or “not now.” Instead of the wife saying she needs intimacy, she’ll criticize her husband or state what she doesn’t want like, “You never want to talk to me” or “I don’t like when you avoid me.” Not only is this couple failing to express their needs correctly, but they are also completely failing to perceive their partner’s needs. You’ll also notice that those statements include evaluations instead of pure observations. Continuing on from the provided examples in the observing and feeling stages for the other person: “When you hear me tell you to do work around the house, you feel overwhelmed because you need rest…” “I see that you’re unhappy with the changes in the office? This makes you feel restless because you need consideration…” “It sounds to me as though you’re worried about losing a friend. This makes you feel brokenhearted. You need someone very close to you…” “I see that you’re excited about winning tonight! You feel energetic because you have a need to win this important game.”

A common problem nearly every person makes when talking to someone who is angry is they feel attacked and also become angry. There is an amazing thought that has worked for me so well to overcome this problem. It is something I use just about everyday to separate myself from other people’s below average behavior and communication. It is a way of not dragging myself down in someone else’s anger, poor communication, or rudeness. When I feel an urge of anger towards someone, I simply think, “They aren’t making me angry. It’s my response. The way I’m reacting is making me angry.” I aim to reframe my thoughts using various reframing techniques from NLP. Possible reframes you could use include, “They aren’t making me angry. It’s my response.” “I know the person cares about me because of what the person did last night for me.” and “He’s probably angry because he has had a tiring day.” No one can control how you feel without your permission. As Marshall Rosenberg said, “I never have to worry about another person’s response, only how I react to what they say.” No one can control how you feel without your permission.Think about this concept of anger very deeply. Someone doesn’t make you angry. This is usually a life-changing “Ah-ha!” moment for many people. The messages you run through your mind after observing a person’s anger is what makes you angry. You “reason with yourself” what their shouting, swearing, and anger means. You’ll probably think that such messages mean they don’t respect you, care for you, or want to hear your opinion. It is this rationalizing process that makes you angry. The person doesn’t make you angry; it is how you react that makes you angry. If you’re reacting instead of responding, chances are that you’re angry. The reframing examples I gave you above are ways of controlling your interpretation of the person’s behavior so that you can think more calmly and maintain your poise. When someone is expressing anger, they have a need. As hard as it is to think that way in an emotionally intense situation, their anger is a poor attempt to fulfill an unmet need. Knowing that a person’s anger is originating from an unmet need prevents you from taking it personally. So far in this stage you’ve learned about other’s needs and a little about your own, so let’s discuss expressing your own needs more in depth. Continuing on from the provided examples in the observing and feeling stages for yourself: “When I hear you speak loudly, I feel scared because I need emotional safety…” “When I see you walk away from me, I feel detached. I need physical closeness…” “When I come home from work, I feel exhausted. I need to relax…” “When I don’t hear your appreciation of my cooking, I feel depressed because I need to be appreciated…” Many of us think we know our needs, but it’s not funny how far out of tune we are with our own personal needs. If you can’t correctly express your need, let a lone have awareness of your need, then good communication is very unlikely. When you come to the needing stage, you’ll probably catch yourself out a few times in saying an incorrect want or saying what you don’t want. You want to be accepted yet say “I need to not be ignored.” You want to be touched yet say “I need you to not be so distanced.” You want to be understood yet say “I need to feel connected.” When you aren’t in tune with your own needs or when you express what you don’t want, you can’t expect someone to magically fulfill your needs. As with feelings, you don’t have to be sure of what the other person needs. Empathically receiving and giving allows you to help build clarification so that you can later correctly express their needs. Thinking at a level of needs makes you see the deeper reasoning behind a person’s actions.By accurately “tuning in” to your own needs, it becomes so much easier to “tune in” to another’s needs. I think this is because we begin to think at a level of needs. We become aware of the needs instead

of missing them purely because of our focus of consciousness. We see a deeper reason behind each word and body gesture. The person has a need somewhere and they are trying to make you aware of it – often in an unconscious manner. As I said earlier, all communication is trying to induce certain states of feelings and thoughts in others. Thinking at a level of needs makes you see the deeper reasoning behind a person’s actions. Requesting The final stage of the Nonviolent Communication process is the simplest so there isn’t much need to discuss this stage in depth. It is also the most powerful in changing a person’s behavior. The most important thing to keep in mind when making a request is it needs to be specific and not general. A request cannot be accurately fulfilled if it is vague. Continuing on from the provided examples in the observing and feeling stages for the other person: “When you hear me tell you to do work around the house, you feel overwhelmed because you need rest. Would you be willing to workout a weekly plan regarding the household chores?” “I see that you’re unhappy with the changes in the office? This makes you feel restless because you need consideration. Would you be willing to accept the changes this time and in the future we’ll ask you for your thoughts regarding the issue?” “It sounds to me as though you’re worried about losing a friend. This makes you feel brokenhearted. You need someone very close to you. Would you be willing to solve the issue with your friend?” “I see that you’re excited about winning tonight! You feel energetic because you have a need to win this important game.” (Doesn’t really have a requesting stage because it’s an unusual application of the NVC process. You could say, “Would you be willing for me to come watch?”) The request you make is dependent on what you are trying to achieve. In the third example regarding the friend, you may be annoyed about the person complaining about their friend and not doing something about it. Your request would therefore be something along the lines of, “Would you be willing to discuss the issue more in depth with your friend?” However, losing a friend will probably not even require a requesting statement. All you are likely to be doing is listening to the person, empathizing, and comforting them (not reassuring), instead of bringing about changes to the person’s friendship-life. The requesting stage is usually only made once or twice during the whole process, while the first, second, and third stages can occur many times. The provided examples shouldn’t be fully used in one statement. By reading those examples above, you can probably see that it lacks empathy. That’s why you don’t just say the observation, need, feeling, and request, one after the other. You can observe, feel, observe, feel, need, feel, need, and then request. It all depends on what is appropriate for the situation. Remember the analogy I mentioned earlier about the vacuum. “Suck up” the person’s communication first before moving on. You will probably “miss a few spots” and constantly have to go back through several stages. Marshall Rosenberg says you will know when you’ve adequately empathized when the tension reduces or the person doesn’t have anything else to say. Having successfully used the NVC process, you are then ready to use NVC on yourself. You can run through the NVC on yourself in your mind to control your emotions, but also be aware that in doing so, you will not be conscious enough of the other person to adequately empathize. Continuing on from the provided examples in the observing and feeling

stages for yourself: “When I hear you speak loudly, I feel scared because I need emotional safety. Would you be able to not yell the next time we argue?” “When I see you walk away from me, I feel detached. I need physical closeness. Would you like to cuddle when we’re alone and together?” “When I come home from work, I feel exhausted. I need to relax. Would you allow me to sit down for 15 or so minutes after work?” “When I don’t hear your appreciation of my cooking, I feel depressed because I need to be appreciated. Would you say ‘thank you’ or give another form of appreciation around once a week?” “Would you like…” is the typical requesting statement made when making a request because it doesn’t order, threaten, or blatantly advise the other person. When someone tries to connect with you by reflecting back what you are saying, the worst thing you can do is become angry and condemn them for not understanding you. Thank them for making an effort and then clarify yourself. I know someone who gets frustrated when you don’t hear or understand what he says. The people talking with him are afraid to seek clarification. What then happens is people pretend to hear him as a means of avoiding his anger. Let’s say you tell somebody you’re angry about work and they reflect back that you’re depressed. What you do is thank them for trying to reflect back your feelings and follow that by clarifying yourself; not by saying “You don’t listen” or “You never understand me.” Another brief note worth mentioning is repeating what I said earlier regarding what you want in the needing stage. When making a request, don’t say what you don’t want. Say what you do want. Be clear, be specific, and make it actionable. An example is not saying you’d like the person to work harder. Say something along the lines of, “Would you be willing to complete the daily report by 5pm each day?” A Complete Application of the NVC Process You’ve now learned a lot about empathizing, listening, and the entire Nonviolent Communication process. It’s time to give you an example of the entire process at work in a real-life example. The main points I want to demonstrate is how the process is applied and that the application of the process isn’t as logical as sequentially going through the stages. The non-italicized text in brackets is my discussion of what is going on so that you can deeply understand the communication taking place and the reasoning behind the person who is attempting to communicate effectively. All the italicized text is provided to create and describe the scenario. You’ll see in the following example that you don’t have to use the techniques perfectly for them to work. Ryan and Jessica are married. Recently, Ryan has been watching a lot of television, playing computer games, going out with friends, and working. He hasn’t been giving Jessica much intimacy as she would like despite her efforts of pointing out the problem and providing a solution. Ryan arrives home late at night after going out with friends and did not tell Jessica that he went out. He enters their house and the couple makes eye contact. Jessica has recently learned the Nonviolent Communication process so she is keen to use it and is likely to make some mistakes. Jessica: (Jessica has been anxious about Ryan for hours and greets him inside their house with a very unhappy face.) Where have you been? I’ve been worried sick about you. Ryan: (Ryan has a smile on his face after arriving home from a good night out.) Chill out. I’ve been out having a good time with my mates. Jessica: (Jessica’s emotions get intense causing her to become angry and forget the effective communication skills she has been learning.) You want me to chill out while you’re out partying? Are you kidding me? You didn’t

even tell me you were going out. You’ve been out having fun all the while I’ve been stuck here at home! (Here Jessica has been caught up in a logical battle with Ryan. She is talking about facts and trying to logically argue with him. The issue here is an emotional one which means her focus needs to be on emotions.) Ryan: (Ryan starts to become angry and joins Jessica in the conflict by using the communication mistakes of diagnosing, criticizing, and labeling.) That’s why I don’t tell you because all you’re gonna do is annoy me. You’re a nagger. It’s not like I have to tell you everything. Jessica: (Jessica takes Ryan’s criticism as a personal attack and becomes angrier because she has failed to recognize that Ryan was purely trying to met one of his needs.) Ha! You’re like a little child. You don’t take responsibility for anything. I do all the work in this relationship. (Jessica has criticized, labeled, and used universal quantifiers – all things that will make Ryan defensive.) Ryan: Oh! And you’re little miss perfect? You’re just a big pain in the a**! Jessica: (Jessica realizes that she has forgotten the Nonviolent Communication process and tries to begin using the communication techniques. She takes a moment of silence and breathes deeply to clear her head.) You feel annoyed and this makes you angry. (Jessica has turned her focus towards Ryan and first seeks to empathically receive what he has to say. The NVC process successfully begins!) Ryan: You do more than annoy me! All you do is tell me what to do! You’re a stupid control freak and a b****! Jessica: When you hear me tell you what to do, you feel controlled. (Jessica has reflected back another one of his statements by using the observation and feeling stage. She begins to see that he has an unmet need of freedom which prevents her from feeling attacked.) Ryan: Yes! I hate it when you constantly nag me! I just want to have fun without you being a damn pest! Jessica: So I can understand what is annoying to you, is what I said tonight an example of the nagging? (Jessica is unsure of what he means by “nag” and so she asked a good question to clarify what he means. She needs to be careful about taking responsibility for the way Ryan feels.) Ryan: That’s just one small example of you being a damn pain. Jessica: When you hear me ask you what you did, you feel irritated because you need freedom. (Jessica has observed, felt, and identified a need.) Ryan: (Ryan begins to calm down though he is still agitated.) No! I… I just don’t like having to run everything through you like your some boss. (Jessica wrongly identified one of Ryan’s needs, though it didn’t matter because he then provided clarification.) Jessica: When you hear me ask you what you did, you feel irritated because you need independence. (Jessica has rephrased her previous statement with a different need. She is attempting to identify what unmet need Ryan has because this will result in a solution.) Ryan: I do need independence and you’re not giving it to me. You control me. You’re not fun at all. You’re just a pain. Jessica: You feel detached from me when you hear me telling you what to do. (Jessica jumps back to the beginning of the NVC process by shifting her focus onto another feeling. Notice how she is empathizing with him instead of feeling attacked?) Ryan: I guess that’s right. You’re no fun anymore. All you do now is annoy. *Silence*

Jessica: When you hear me tell you what to do, you feel annoyed because you need more joy with me. Ryan: That’s right. Jessica: Would you be willing to help me become more fun? (Jessica sensed the tension in the air dissipate and felt Ryan has said what he wants. Therefore, she made a requesting statement.) Ryan: I’d love to. Jessica has used all four stages of the NVC process on Ryan and knows she is now able to use the process to express her feelings and needs, as well as making a request for Ryan to change his behavior. Jessica: When you constantly go out without me, I feel detached. (Jessica has made a poor observation as she has made an evaluation with the word “constantly.”) Ryan: I don’t constantly go out! Jessica: You feel frustrated because you don’t go out much. (Jessica realizes Ryan may have another need and so she switches her focus back on him.) Ryan: Yeah. Jessica: (Jessica senses the number of times he goes out isn’t an issue and so she switches her focus back on herself.) When you do not go out with me like tonight, I feel alienated from you. I need to be close to you. (Jessica has made an accurate observation without evaluation and has given Ryan a specific example of the behavior she dislikes. She has also been able to identify her need of intimacy with Ryan.) Ryan: I see. You need to be with me whenever I go out? Jessica: Thanks for telling me your understanding of what I need. To clarify what I meant, I don’t mind if you go out by yourself, but for example, like tonight I wanted to go out with you because I need physical closeness. (Jessica thanks Ryan for trying to understand her even though he misunderstood.) Ryan: Okay. Jessica: Would you be willing to tell me what you’re doing so that we can go out more often? (After having completed all seven stages, Jessica finally makes her request to change Ryan’s behavior. This is usually the first thing people do; not the last.) Ryan: Sure. Provided that you become more fun like we said earlier. Jessica: (Jessica hugs and kisses Ryan in huge relief as she has solved a problem that has annoyed her for months.) Agreed. There are many possibilities that could have taken place in the above scenario and changed the communication, but I think this scenario nicely demonstrates how the Nonviolent Communication is applied to real-life. Some people, who for the first time use this powerful process that I have described, may find their partner or themselves breaking down in tears out of relief. That’s perfectly okay as it’s likely to be a release of mental and emotional tension that has built up after years of being entirely misunderstood and ignored. When someone observes without evaluation, accurately sees your feelings, and is able to identify an unmet need you have, it builds a connection of understanding that most people will never experience in their entire lifetime. Overall, the Nonviolent Communication process isn’t about getting people to do what you want. It isn’t a persuasive process. It is a method used to build compassion and connection in a relationship. In a world where we desperately need to be understood by others, there is a gap that Nonviolent Communication fills as it connects two people who would otherwise remain distanced, frustrated, and in ongoing conflict. Begin using this process today and I know you will begin to have more intimate relationships in your personal and professional world. Doing so will bring us closer to world peace. “We can never obtain peace in the outer world,”

said the Dalai Lama, “until we make peace with ourselves.” I highly recommend you go read my review of Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg and visit the provided link where you can order a copy of the book today. Secondly, if this article interested you, you can receive Nonviolent Communication skills training online. Lastly, you can get my communication secrets program here to discover more skills that work extremely well with the Nonviolent Communication process.

Don t be greedy! Share this post: These icons link to social bookmarking sites where readers can share and discover new web pages. Enjoyed this post? Please leave a donation for me (Joshua Uebergang) so you too can enjoy giving and show me your thanks. You can also signup to my newsletter for more great information. I m creator of a highly praised program called "Communication Secrets of Making People Like You". You can read about it here and order it here. I give you free reprint rights to my articles under the listed conditions. Monday, September 10th, 2007 at 2:45 pm. Filed under Assertive Skills, Conflict Management, Interpersonal Relationships, Leadership, Parenting. Subscribe to Comment RSS 2.0. Leave a comment or trackback. 10 Responses to “The Nonviolent Communication (NVC) Process” 1

+0 Krishna Shankar 11 Sep 2007, 12:18 pm An important aspect of appropriate communication has been succintly penned for the benefit of all readers.Thank you 2 +2 Dr. CHANDRAKUMAR JAIN 11 Sep 2007, 1:48 pm Non Voilent Communication as described by you is the ultimate guidance to developing healthy relationships. Also it is the need of the day and the days to come.your quotes may change any ones life. I must express my gratitude for such a great article.your teachings are worth and need sincere reflection so as to apply them to better living. Thanks… thanks a lot. 3 +0 Kabir 11 Sep 2007, 6:55 pm The message is loaded with words of wisdom,keep it up.I appreciate 4 +0 Mercy 12 Sep 2007, 6:31 pm Hi, I thank God for your life and His wisdom that He has bestowed upon you. I do enjoy your quotes and words of wisdom. I have a slight problem that i want to share with you (relationship). I want to know if it will work out. 5 +1 Ashley 13 Sep 2007, 1:55 am I really appreciate your words, they are fill with wisdom and have trully made me understand better the concept of efective communication. It also has helped me alot, because now I’m trying to apply them in my everyday relations. Keep the good work up, because you are really making a difference with it. Thanks 6 +0 amina

17 Sep 2007, 1:29 am thanks a lot for for your usual precious articles.this one is really loaded with deep ideas that will help a lot in bringing wisdom to our communication process and for most to avoid conflict. 7 +0 abdu 25 Sep 2007, 4:10 am thank you for this wonderful article.it is full of wisdom and deep ideas which will help many persons to change their attitudes to the best.your efforts are highly appreciated. 8 +0 abdu 25 Sep 2007, 12:13 pm thank you for this wonderful article.it is full of wisdom and deep ideas which will help many people to change their attitudes to the best .your efforts are highly appreciated. 9 +2 sanja 27 Oct 2007, 4:45 am Thank you. I think you just saved my life. 10 +0 Joel Nwokeoma 30 Oct 2007, 9:38 pm I enjoyed the insights offered. You have made me a much better communicator than before. Thank you! Leave a Reply Please read this page (it will open in a new window) before commenting. Everything you need to know about commenting can be found at that page. Name (required) Mail (required) (Will not be published. You will only be emailed if you ve choosen to receive comment updates below.) Website (optional) Notify me of followup comments via e-mail Subscribe without commenting E-Mail: More Blog Posts You Maybe Interested In Review of Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg This is a book review of Marshall Rosenberg s Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Create Your Life, Your Relationships, and Your World in Harmony with Your Values . I do a... Tips for Dealing with Difficult People Friendly, welcoming, and good communicators are great people to converse with. They are emotionally uplifting. If you have a problem with them, it is easily worked through. Unfortunately, the world... The Greatest 15 Myths of Communication "Getting rid of a delusion makes us wiser than getting hold of a truth." Karl Ludwig Borne (1786-1837) "Myth is an attempt to narrate a whole human experience, of... Earthling Transmission - Free Newsletter Discover proven communication secrets that create passionate relationships, brings success, and gives you happiness. If you are ready for this then you can begin communicating more effectively by getting your free trial-subscription to my newsletter called the “Earthling Transmission”. Simply fill in your first name and email below to subscribe: First Name:

Email: I will never give out or abuse your details © 2006-2008 EarthlingCommunication.compua Being Assertive in Communication and Behavior | Approaches and Techniques for Managing Conflict | How to Develop Better Conversation Skills | Effective Interpersonal Skills - Building Special Relationships | Developing Effective Skills to Listen | Become a Better Public Speaker | Importance of Self Understanding - Awareness | How to Improve Writing Skills Ways to Attract a Man/Woman | How to Build Self-Confidence | Dealing with Grief and Loss | Finding the Key to True Happiness | Inspirational Articles, Thoughts, and Stories | Effective Skills of Great Leaders | Self Motivated for Success | Managing Stress and Relieving Anxiety | How to be Successful in Life Advertise | Affiliates | Affiliate/Private Member Login | Website Owners | Privacy | Terms | Sitemap