The Juggler

July 7, 2016 | Author: Rodney Ohebsion | Category: N/A
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Half hour TV Dramedy Pilot...

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THE JUGGLER "Pilot" Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2015

INT. GIL AND BRITNEY’S APARTMENT (COMPUTER ROOM) - NIGHT Gil (35) is watching a Benny Hill video on his computer. BRITNEY (35) walks in. BRITNEY Are you watching Benny Hill again? GIL Yeah. BRITNEY Ugh. I can’t stand him and that freaking music. What’s so funny about Benny Hill, anyways? GIL I don’t know. I like Benny Hill. So I watch Benny Hill. BRITNEY Well can you at least shut the door when you watch that, and turn down the volume? GIL Britney--it’s Benny Hill, not porn. It’s not like I have my hand in my pants. She walks out and shuts the door. INT. GIL AND BRITNEY’S APARTMENT (KITCHEN) - NIGHT Gil and Britney are seated at a table and eating pizza. BRITNEY How come you didn’t fix the cabinet door? GIL I’ll do it. I have to go to Home Depot and get some screws. A few seconds pass. BRITNEY You know who I saw today? Ben Taylor?

2. GIL Who? BRITNEY Ben Taylor. From college. You remember him. GIL No I don’t. BRITNEY Sure you do. Ben Taylor. The guy in our sociology class. Dark tan, wavy hair. GIL I don’t know. Maybe I remember him. BRITNEY I saw him at the mall. He’s married with two kids. He owns a greeting card store. GIL Honey. I don’t know who the fuck he is. BRITNEY How could you not remember Ben Taylor? GIL I don’t know. I come across a lot of people with dark tans and wavy hair. I don’t remember all of them. BRITNEY We hung out with him a few times. Ben Taylor. GIL If you mention Ben Taylor one more time, I’m gonna go down to his greeting card store and beat the shit out of him. BRITNEY How the hell could you not remember Ben Taylor?! He remembered you. I told him I married Gil Albright from our sociology class, and he was all like, "Oh, Yeah. I remember Gil, How’s he doing?"

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GIL Well. The next time you see Ben Taylor at the mall, tell him my cholesterol is 165, and tell him that I don’t know who the hell he is. BRITNEY You know, I’m trying to have a normal conversation with you, and you’d rather talk about going to a greeting card store to beat the shit out of your college classmate because he said hi to you. GIL You’re trying to have a normal conversation with me? BRITNEY Yes. GIL What’s so normal about telling me that I know Ben Taylor, even though I keep telling you that I don’t know Ben Taylor? BRITNEY How could you not remember Ben Taylor? GIL Is this you trying to have a normal conversation with me? BRITNEY Yes. GIL This is not normal. BRITNEY If it’s not normal, it’s because of the abnormalities you keep on injecting into the conversation. GIL OK. I’ll inject some normality into it right now. How was your day, honey?

4. BRITNEY Good! I went to the mall, and guess who I saw there?! Our old college classmate, Ben Taylor! INT. GIL AND BRITNEY’S APARTMENT (BEDROOM) - NIGHT Gil and Britney are in bed and watching TV. NARRATOR / ANNOUNCER (ON TV) You’re watching Home is a House, on TBC. (ON TV) INT. HOME (BATHROOM) - NIGHT (Multi-camera sitcom similar to King of Queens or Everybody Loves Raymond) SARAH (40) is putting toothpaste on her toothbrush. JOE (40) is washing his face. Sarah notices a toothpaste stain on the counter. SARAH Can I ask you something? JOE Am I allowed to say no? SARAH No. How come whenever you brush your teeth, there’s a toothpaste stain on the counter? Is it that difficult to get the toothpaste from the tube to your toothbrush, and from your toothbrush to your teeth? JOE Just be happy I manage to get all my pee in the toilet. SARAH Great. Now all you need to do is make your tooth brushing technique a little more like your urination technique. JOE You want me to unzip my pants when I brush by teeth?

5. SARAH No. I want you to aim. And by the way, this toilet still isn’t working. JOE I know the toilet still isn’t working. What--you think I’ve been using the guest bathroom all day because I want to pleasure myself next to fancy soap? SARAH My point is, why hasn’t your plumber been over here to fix this? JOE Because he’s been busy working on that home on Oak Street. SARAH So it’s more important for you to fix up a home you’re renovating, than it is to fix up the home we live in? JOE Honey. The home on Oak Street needs to be ready by a certain date. We don’t need to pee in a specific toilet by a certain date. INT. GIL AND BRITNEY’S APARTMENT (BEDROOM) - NIGHT Gil and Britney are still in bed and watching TV. INT. GIL AND BRITNEY’S APARTMENT (BATHROOM) - DAY Britney is brushing her teeth. Gil has just gotten out of the shower, and is in a towel. BRITNEY What time should we get to Jackie’s house? GIL Three o’clock. BRITNEY Three? No. Let’s get there earlier. Like at two.

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GIL I can’t get there that early. I got some stuff I gotta do. BRITNEY What stuff do you have to do? GIL I have to go to Home Depot, and do some other stuff. BRITNEY Well. We should really get there at two. GIL Well then why did you ask me what time we should get there? BRITNEY Why wouldn’t I ask you? GIL Here’s a little recap of what happened. You asked me, I answered you, and then you vetoed my answer. BRITNEY Because your answer was wrong. GIL Well then why did you ask me in the first place, if you already had an answer that you were gonna stick to? BRITNEY I didn’t have an answer. I wanted some input from you. GIL I gave you input, and you immediately ignored it. BRITNEY I ignored your input because it was the wrong input. GIL So you wanted input that would just echo what was already in your head?

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BRITNEY No. I wanted my husband and I to settle on what time we’d get to Jackie’s house. Because we’re married, and we’re going somewhere, and married couples collectively settle on a time when they’ll get to Jackie’s house. That’s why I wanted your input. GIL Well. Here’s some more input. I can’t stand Jackie. How’s that input? Are you gonna use it? BRITNEY No--I’m gonna veto it. Jackie’s one of my best friends. Why do you have to trash her? GIL You trash my friends all the time. BRITNEY Because they’re idiots and degenerates. Except for Ashton. And you hardly even hang out with him anymore. GIL By the way--stop trying to setup up a playdate between me and him. BRITNEY Stop hanging out with Tim so much. GIL Honey. I gotta go. I got stuff to do. INT. TIM’S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM) - DAY TIM (35) and Gil are playing a video game. GIL This game is kind of stupid. TIM I know. Why are we playing it?

8. GIL It’s one of those games that are, like, stupid but addictive. TIM Yeah. It’s like that show Friends. It’s stupid, but for some reason I keep watching it. GIL Britney watches Friends, too. And in my humble opinion, it’s not stupid but addictive. It’s stupid but idiotic. TIM And what about Benny Hill? GIL Benny Hills is stupidly entertaining. TIM By the way--does Britney know you’re here? GIL No. She kind of implied that she doesn’t want me to hang out with you more than once a week. TIM Implied? What did she say? GIL Um. Let’s see. She said, "Fuck Tim. He’s an idiot. If you hang out with him more than once a week, I’ll kick your ass." TIM Oh. Well. Tell her I said hi. ... Isn’t it interesting how your wife tells you who you should be friends with--like you’re some kind of puppet? GIL What’s that supposed to mean? TIM Hey. Calm down. I didn’t mean to offend you. I’m just saying that she basically owns you.

9. GIL And your girlfriend doesn’t own you? TIM No. GIL I know. How exactly does that work? Do you do, like, do some voodoo on her? TIM No. She just doesn’t own me. GIL Yeah. But you’re not married. Marriages are different. Marriages are, you know... they’re hard work. TIM What does that have to do with her owning you? And how is marriage hard work? Mining for coal is hard work. GIL Well. Let me put it this way. Sometimes, I’d rather mine for coal than go home to my wife. TIM How often is "sometimes?" GIL You know. Just, like, once a week. Sometimes twice a week. When she’s in a good mood. But when she’s in a normal mood, it’s more like three or four times a week. The thing is, she hasn’t been in a normal mood in, like, a year. So it’s more like five times a week. Six, max. Except when it’s seven. Seven is the maximum. TIM And one is the minimum? GIL No. Three. But, you know. I love her. And we have fun. We eat, we go to movies, we swim. She’s a good swimmer. I really love her.

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Tim wins the video game. TIM That’s game. INT. TIM’S APARTMENT (KITCHEN) - DAY Tim and Gil are making sandwiches. TIM So you can’t hang out with me more than once a week. And she also doesn’t like it when you play your guitar, or go golfing, or go to a bar. So you do everything secretly. Does that makes sense to you? GIL Dude. The thing you don’t get is that, you know--when you’re married, you have two identities. You’re your married self. And then you’re also someone else that you keep secret from your wife. And, it’s hard work making sure that your wife doesn’t know what you’re doing. TIM Gil--you’re not a Chinese spy. GIL Dude. You totally don’t get how marriage works. TIM How does it work? GIL Well. Basically, here’s what it comes down to. When you’re married, sometimes you are like a Chinese spy. She thinks I’m at Home Depot right now. But I’m not. I’m here. They take their sandwiches back to the living room and sit down.

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INT. TIM’S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM) - DAY TIM But she’s gonna know you didn’t go to Home Depot, when you don’t come home with any stuff. GIL Do I look like an amateur to you? I’ve been married for three years--OK? I know how to make her think I went to Home Depot. TIM How? GIL Last week, I was at Home Depot, and I bought five items, and I got five bags. Today, I’ll walk into my apartment with one item in one bag. That’s today’s alibi. The other four bags will be used as alibis later. TIM So you’ve been driving around with five hammers in your trunk for the last week? GIL And other assorted alibis. And birthday gifts, and anniversary gifts, and whatever gifts. In my trunk and at my office. Like, if I come home and she’s acting all PMS-y or I forgot her birthday or something, I can just hand her a gift. TIM That goes way beyond Chinese spy tactics. But, uh, isn’t she gonna think you’re a lunatic for going to Home Depot so often just to pick up one item at a time? GIL I don’t give a fuck. I’m married. She thinks I’m a lunatic, I think she’s a lunatic. That’s a big part of what being married involves.

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EXT. JACKIE AND CLYDE’S HOME (BACKYARD) - DAY JACKIE (35) and CLYDE (35) are talking to Britney and Gil. About 15 other PEOPLE are present. CLYDE ...So the valet gives me my car. I drive a few blocks away. I’m at a red light. And I hear something. I look at the back seat, and you won’t believe what I saw there. GIL A clown’s anus. BRITNEY Gil. Enough. CLYDE Anyways, I look back, and I see a cage with a hamster in it. Yeah. The valet had given me the wrong grey BMW 320i. And someone had a hamster in theirs. JACKIE (to Gil and Britney) Can you believe that? CLYDE So I drive back to the restaurant. And the guy who owns the BMW I’m in--he’s standing in the parking lot. And as soon as he sees me in his car, he yells out, "Hussein!" Because Hussein... was the name of the hamster. So the guy... JACKIE Who was American, by the way. CLYDE Right. Yeah. The owner of Hussein the hamster was American--not Arabic or something. He gets in the car the second I get out of it. He doesn’t say or look at me or the valet. He just gets in the car, he looks back at the hamster, and he drives away. Now, I still don’t know who Hussein is. I’m just standing there, wondering why that guy yelled Hussein when I drove (MORE)

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CLYDE (cont’d) in. So I look at the valet driver, and I’m like, "Who’s Hussein?" And he says, "Did you notice a hamster in the back seat?" I say, "Yeah." And the valet says, "That hamster was Hussein." Yeah. The owner of the car had spent the last five minutes talking about his hamster. GIL Wow. That turned into a really good story. At first, I was a little disappointed. You know. ’Cause of the lack of clowns, and anuses. But it picked up immediately. CLYDE So what’s going on with you, Gil? GIL Well. Let’s see. I, uh--I learned how to juggle last week. Let me show you. (points to a bowl of fruit) I can use those oranges over there. BRITNEY Gil. You don’t need to juggle for us right now. GIL Honey. I gotta do something big, to top that Hussein the Hamster story. BRITNEY Well do something else. GIL Honey--it’s no big deal. I’m just gonna juggle for ten seconds. BRITNEY I’d rather you didn’t. GIL Why not? BRITNEY It’s just a little silly to juggle in the middle of this party.

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GIL This isn’t the White House, honey. It’s Jackie and Clyde’s house. Jackie and Clyde--not Michelle and Hussein Obama. I’m just gonna do a little juggling. BRITNEY Gil. No. GIL Honey. Listen. I was talking to your delightful friend Jackie, and her delightful husband Clyde. He asked what I’ve been up to. And I’ve been juggling. So I’m gonna juggle for Jackie and Clyde. BRITNEY Well. Suppose you’ve been masturbating a lot lately. Does that mean should masturbate for Jackie and Clyde right now, in their yard, at their party? Maybe you should do it, Gil. Maybe after you’re done, they’ll tip you a dollar. GIL Honey. Masturbation is a private activity. Juggling is a more social one. BRITNEY Juggling is a clown activity. Is this a five year old’s birthday party, and are you a clown? JACKIE Um. You know what? I’m gonna go check on the, um, thing in the other room. GIL Yeah. Go check the thing. Jackie starts walking away. CLYDE I’m gonna go check the thing with her. Clyde also walks away.

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INT. GIL AND BRITNEY’S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT Gil and Britney walk in through the front door. GIL Well. That was fun. BRITNEY Was it? GIL Yeah. From now on, any time I see my car being driven by someone else, I’m gonna yell, "Hussein!" BRITNEY So where’d you go today, before the party? GIL You know where I went. Home Depot. BRITNEY And? GIL And Taco Bell. And I went for a walk. BRITNEY Gil--I talked to Macy. And she told me that Jennifer said that you and Tim played basketball at the park, and then you played video games at his apartment. GIL Great. So now you’re using Macy to spy on me? BRITNEY No. I’m just friends her, and she happens to be roommates with your friend’s girlfriend. GIL So I played basketball with Tim. Big deal. BRITNEY It’s not that. Why do you have to lie to me?

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GIL Fine. I won’t lie. I’ll just hang out with him as much as I want, and I’ll tell you about it. BRITNEY I really don’t want you to hang out with Tim. He’s a bad influence on you. GIL Well that’s why I lie to you. BRITNEY Gil. We’re married. Married couples aren’t supposed to lie about who they spend time with. GIL Well. I won’t lie--as along as you stop telling me who to be friends with. BRITNEY Gil. Your best friend is a bad influence, and I don’t like him. GIL The real issue here is that you think you should control me like a puppet. BRITNEY The real issue is that you’re a liar, and the real issue is that you have the wrong friends. GIL Those are the branch issues. The root issue is that you’re a puppeteer. BRITNEY That’s the trunk. The root is your lies, and your friends. GIL How the fuck is that the root? Maybe you need to study a tree for a few hours to understand what roots, trunks, and branches are.

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BRITNEY Who gives a shit about trees, Gil? Fuck you and your stupid tree analogy. GIL Well let me just say this. You want me to exercise more--and I played basketball with Tim today. So how is Tim a bad influence? BRITNEY You’re dodging the issue. GIL Here’s the root issue: you’re a puppeteer. And here’s the root-er issue: you keep on finding ways to be a pain in the ass. BRITNEY Here’s the root-est issue: you’re a lunatic who wants to juggle oranges at parties, and hang out with other lunatics like Tim, and beat the crap out of Ben Taylor because you don’t remember him. INT. GIL AND BRITNEY’S HOME (BEDROOM) - NIGHT Gil and Britney are in bed, watching TV. GIL You know, I just had, uh, one of those--what do you call it? Epiphanies. BRITNEY OK. What’s your epiphany? GIL Well. Here’s what it comes down to. You and me... are like Joe and Sarah. BRITNEY Joe and Sarah? GIL On the show Home is a House. We’re like Joe and Sarah.

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BRITNEY You mean I’m always right and you’re always wrong? GIL No. My epiphany is that we’re like Joe and Sarah. Because you’re bossy, you’re arrogant, and you’re whiny. Like Sarah. BRITNEY No I’m not, and no is Sarah. And by the way--you only described one person. So how does that make us like Joe and Sarah? GIL I’m like Joe, because I’m the guy who’s married to a woman who’s like Sarah. A woman who’s bossy, and arrogant, and whiny. BRITNEY No. You’re like Joe in the sense that you’re immature, you piss me off, and you don’t know anything. GIL Me and Joe are none of those things. Except for maybe the part about pissing you off. And it’s not that I piss you off so much as it is that you get pissed off, because you’re bossy, and arrogant, and whiny. That’s the root issue. BRITNEY Gil. Don’t start that root bullshit again. GIL Don’t you understand you understand the nature of our relationship? I wanted to juggle at a freaking party, and you pretty much threatened to murder me. You’re like Sarah on Home is a House. Epiphany. BRITNEY Oh. OK. Well here’s my epiphany, Gil. Kiss my ass!

19. GIL That’s your epiphany? What kind of epiphany is that? BRITNEY Oh. Like you had some great epiphany. You’ve never had an epiphany in your freaking life. The only types of ideas that float around in your head are ones like, "I should eat a sandwich." "I like Die Hard 1 more than Die Hard 2." "I hate the show Friends." "I’m gonna go hang out with Tim." Those are your epiphanies. GIL Oh really? Well here’s a freaking epiphany. We should get divorced. BRITNEY ... Gil. What are you talking about? GIL I’m talking about how any time I watch Home is a House, I think, "Joe should divorce Sarah." BRITNEY We’re not Joe and Sarah. GIL But if I were Joe, I’d divorce Sarah. I’m Gil--so I’m gonna divorce you. Epiphany. BRITNEY You know what? Fuck you! You think you’re better than me? GIL That sounds like something Sarah would say. Except for the "fuck you" part. But if Home is a House were on HBO, she’d totally say "fuck you" to Joe. She’d use more f-words than Tony Soprano. BRITNEY Well good for Sarah, and good for HBO. Will you stop talking about TV shows, Gil? We’re trying to have a serious conversation.

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GIL No. The whole point of my epiphany is that I’m trying to not have conversations with you. BRITNEY Well try harder--because it seems like we’re having a conversation right now as we speak. GIL Well--we’re not. We’re not having a conversation. BRITNEY Well for a non-conversation, you seem to be running your damn mouth an awful lot. GIL You’re the one who won’t shut up. BRITNEY Says the guy who just said something. GIL Fine. I’m not saying anything. Starting now. BRITNEY Damn it, Gil. You better start saying something. This conversation is not over. GIL Oh, it’s over! It’s freaking over! This is the most over conversation that’s ever been conversed in the history of conversations! There is no conversation. OK? This is the series finale. "Tonight on Home is a House, Joe and Sarah have a non-conversation and get a divorce." The end. OK? BRITNEY Damn it, Gill--we’re not Joe and Sarah. GIL Fine. "Tonight on Gil and Britney’s marriage, Gil and Britney have a (MORE)

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GIL (cont’d) non-conversation and get a divorce." Gil gets up and begins walking out of the room. BRITNEY Where are you going? BRITNEY I’m gonna go on the computer and Google divorce. BRITNEY What do you mean you’re gonna Google divorce? GIL I mean, I need to do some research on how to divorce someone--hence the Googling. Oh--and then I’m gonna go to YouTube and watch Benny Hill with the door open and the volume turned up. BRITNEY So you’re serious about this divorce thing? GIL Yes. That’s what I’ve been telling you, in no uncertain terms, for the past five minutes. We should get divorced. And here’s the HBO version: We should get fucking divorced. BRITNEY Gill--we are not getting fucking divorced! GIL How could you not be on board with this? This is one of the best ideas I’ve ever had--right next to the one about watching Die Hard. BRITNEY So just like that, out of nowhere, you want to get divorced?

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GIL Out of nowhere? Nowhere? What nowhere are you talking about? There’s no nowhere. There’s somewhere. Were you at that fucking party? BRITNEY You want to get divorced because of one small fight we had at a party? GIL No. I want to get divorced because of almost every single conversation we’ve had over the past year. Like the one about roots and branches, and the one about Ben Tucker. BRITNEY It’s Ben Taylor. Taylor. GIL I don’t give a shit what it is. If you’re so obsessed with Mr. Taylor or Mr. Tucker or Mr. Whatever-the-Fuck-His-Name-Is, then why don’t you go marry him? BRITNEY He’s married. Weren’t you even listening to what I was saying yesterday? Ben fucking Taylor is fucking married, with two fucking kids, and a fucking greeting card store! TIM There you go. Mrs. Tony Soprano. HBO. BRITNEY You know, you’re really out of your damn mind, Gil. TIM I’m out of my mind?! I’m out of my mind?! This is as "in my mind" as I’ve ever been. Holy shit am I in my mind! My mind is my new residence, Britney. I moved in. I put a TV in there, and a hammock. If you want to know where to find me, it’s in my mind, on my hammock, (MORE)

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TIM (cont’d) in front of my TV. And you want to know what I’m not watching on that TV? Home is a Fucking House. I’m watching Die Hard. Part 1. BRITNEY That speech made absolutely no sense at all! Hammock?! What freaking hammock?! This is the dumbest discussion we’ve ever had with each other. GIL It’s not a discussion. Remember? We’re having a non-conversation. BRITNEY Will you stop bringing up the whole non-conversation?! GIL I’m bringing it up, Britney! I’m bringing up the non-conversation. BRITNEY Well. By bringing it up, you’re having a conversation with me. GIL What makes you the arbiter of what is and isn’t a conversation? BRITNEY My brain, and my common sense. That’s what makes me the arbiter. GIL What about your arrogance? That makes you the arbiter of everything. BRITNEY Excuse me for having a few opinions! I didn’t know you were looking for a woman who’d agree with every dumb thing that comes out of your mouth. GIL Even if I were Albert freaking Einstein, you’d be disagreeing with everything that comes out of my (MORE)

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GIL (cont’d) mouth! You’d be disagreeing with the E, and the MC squared, and the equals! And then you’d be all like, "Listen, Albert--you dumb son of a bitch! Stop hanging out with Tim, and watching Benny Hill, and juggling oranges." BRITNEY Albert Einstein wouldn’t hang out with Tim, or watch Benny Hill, or juggle oranges. GIL Yes he would! Look at his haircut! Look at that picture of him with his tongue out! BRITNEY Why are we talking about Albert Einstein?! GIL Fine. We’ll go back to having our non-conversation about our divorce. BRITNEY Gill--don’t be such a lunatic. We can’t get divorced GIL Why not? BRITNEY What about the kids? GIL We don’t have any kids. BRITNEY Joe and Sarah have two kids. GIL We’re not Joe and Sarah--remember? BRITNEY What gave you the idea to divorce me? I want to know. I’ll bet I know. I know. Tim. You hang out with Tim every week, you see his life as a single guy, and he makes it seem so fun, and glamorous, and (MORE)

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BRITNEY (cont’d) appealing. And now you’re in line to be single, too. Well guess what? Tim is a jackass, and his life is ridiculous. GIL This is just like the episode where Sarah calls Joe’s friend Tom a dumbass. Tim, Tom. There’s only a one letter difference. BRITNEY If you mention that show one more time, I’m gonna kick your ass. GIL Why don’t you go kick your next husband’s ass? BRITNEY Well what are you gonna do as my ex-husband? I want to know. What’s your life gonna be like as a divorced guy? GIL I’m gonna work, and play video games, and go on dates, and hang out with Tim, and mine for coal, and watch Benny Hill. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some work to do on the computer. BRITNEY You better not Google divorce. GIL Who the hell are you to tell me what I can and can’t Google? You’re not the Chinese government, and I’m not a Chinaman. BRITNEY You can’t say Chinamen. That’s an offensive term. GIL I can say whatever I want. This is America, and I have freedom of speech. Plus, I’m not your husband, and that means I have even more freedom of speech. I have freedom (MORE)

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GIL (cont’d) of speech squared. Chinaman, Chinaman, Chinaman, Chinaman. (sings) Chinaman, Chinaman, Chinaman, Chinaman. BRITNEY Well Congratulations, Gil, You get to sing Chinaman. GIL By the way. All those times I said I was at Home Depot? I wasn’t. I’ve only been to Home Depot, like, three times total over the course of our marriage. BRITNEY What the fuck are you talking about? GIL I’m talking about the Home Depot alibi. Go see my trunk. I have four Home Depot bags in there, each of which has an item in it. BRITNEY Are you fucking kidding me? GIL Hey. That’s what it takes to be a Chinese spy. Britney walks out of the room. INT. APARTMENT GARAGE - NIGHT Britney walks up to a car, and uses a key to open the trunk. Gil is behind her. Britney looks in the trunk and sees a large trash bag and some books. BRITNEY There are no Home Depot bags in here. GIL Look in the trash bag. She looks in it, and sees some old seat shirts.

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BRITNEY What are these sweatshirts? GIL It’s the stuff I put in front, to make it look like that bag contains a bunch of clothes I’m planning to give to goodwill. She takes out some sweats shirts and boxer short, and sees the four aforementioned Home Depot bags. BRITNEY What the hell, Gil! GIL What do you mean "what the hell?" BRITNEY You’ve been faking going to Home Depot throughout our marriage? GIL Yeah. She gabs one of the bags out of the trunk, and throws it into a trash bin. GIL I really don’t care if you do that. I don’t need the alibis anymore. BRITNEY You’re a freaking lunatic, Gil. GIL I’m a lunatic? You just threw a new screwdriver into the trash. A car drives into the garage and parks near Gil’s car. MR. THOMPSON (60) gets out. GIL Hi. Mr, Thompson. MR. THOMPSON Hi. Britney is digging through the trash bag. She takes out a gift wrapped box.

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BRITNEY (to Gil) What is this? GIL It’s a gift. BRITNEY For some whore girlfriend you have? GIL No. For some insane wife I have. It’s your birthday gift, or Valentine’s Day gift, or anniversary gift. BRITNEY What do you mean? Which gift is it? GIL It’s the gift for whichever thing I forget. I just go to my trunk--and boom, there’s a gift. MR. THOMPSON Well. I’ll, uh, see you two later. GIL Yeah. You probably have to go check on that thing. Mr. Thompson walks away. Britney removes the gift wrap, and then opens a shoe box and takes out a pair of high heels. BRITNEY This is my anniversary or Valentine’s or birthday gift? GIL Yes. Happy anniversary, or birthday, or Valentine’s Day. Actually, I’m gonna go ahead and make that a divorce gift. He goes through the bad, and takes out a dozen greeting cards. GIL (going through them) Birthday, Valentine’s Day, anniversary. I got every type of (MORE)

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GIL (cont’d) card here except for a divorce card. I wonder if Ben Whatever sells them at his store. You know what? I’m keeping the high heels. I’m gonna go find a whore girlfriend tomorrow, and give them to her. BRITNEY I’m keeping these heels! I’m gonna wear them to your damn funeral! A car drives into the garage and parks next to Mr. Thompson’s car. MRS. THOMPSON (60) gets out. GIL Hi, Mrs. Thompson. Would your shoe size happen to be an 8? Because I’ve got a lovely pair of high heels for you. MRS. THOMPSON Um. I’m a 7. BRITNEY Oh. Well that’s too bad! Because now you can’t be my husband’s whore girlfriend! MRS. THOMPSON I see. GIL Just to clarify--I don’t have a whore girlfriend yet. I just have a pair of high heels. So don’t go gossiping to everyone in the building about how the guy in 203 has a whore girlfriend. MRS. THOMPSON OK. Can I go now? GIL Absolutely, Mrs. Thompson. You can go. Go check the thing.

30.

INT. GIL AND BRINTEY’S APARTMENT (KITCHEN) - DAY Britney is sitting at the breakfast table and eating cereal. Gil walks in. BRITNEY Hi. GIL Hi. BRITNEY When are you gonna fix the cabinet. GIL We’re getting divorced--remember? BRITNEY Are you starting that again? GIL I’m not starting it again. It reached a conclusion last night. BRITNEY Fine. You’re divorcing me. Good for you, Gil. Are you gonna fix the cabinet or not? GIL Yes. But I’m fixing it as a single man. BRITNEY If you’re so single, why are you living here in this apartment with me? GIL I’m gonna move. BRITNEY Well. We have four months left on our lease. GIL So? BRITNEY So wherever you live, you better pay four months rent for this apartment.

31.

GIL If I’m gonna pay rent, then I’m gonna live here, and you’re gonna move. BRITNEY I’m not moving. I love this apartment. GIL Since when? You’re always complaining about the cabinet door, and the fridge, and the neighbors. BRITNEY Those were branch complaints. The root complaint was my husband. GIL Whatever. I’m moving out of here, and I’m not paying any rent. BRITNEY Your name is on the lease. GIL Fine. I’m moving out of here, and I’m paying half the rent. INT. TIM’S HOME - DAY TIM You’re paying half the rent, and she gets the entire apartment? GIL Yeah. TIM Where are you gonna live? GIL Um. I don’t know. I checked out a few apartments today. They’re, uh, kind of expensive. And shitty. The rent is about $2 per shitty square foot. And uh, my financial situation right now is kind of, uh. What’s the word?

32.

TIM Shitty? GIL Right. TIM So, uh, you want to live here? GIL Well. I mean. Like, for the time being... TIM Listen. Um. I’d ordinarily be happy to have you here. GIL And what about un-ordinarily? TIM Un-ordinarily, for the time being, you gotta get out of here and live in a shitty, expensive apartment. ’Cause, um--Jennifer’s moving in with me. Today. GIL What? I thought you said she doesn’t own you. TIM We’re just taking our relationship to the next level. It was my idea. GIL When did you come up with this idea? TIM Yesterday. I was with her, we were setting up my new cable box. We were trying to figure out how to use the Tivo thingy, and make it automatically record Judge Judy. And I looked at Jennifer, and I thought, "I want to live with this woman. I want to watch Judge Judy with her every day." GIL ... That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard in my life. Judge Judy? (MORE)

33.

GIL (cont’d) If you’re gonna get serious with a woman, it should be over Dr. Phil, or Cops. TIM So, uh, what are you gonna do? GIL You know what? I’m gonna pay half the rent. So why shouldn’t I use half the apartment? TIM Because how are you gonna be separated from a woman if she’s five feet away from you? GIL All I know is I’m not gonna pay half of the rent for none of the apartment. INT. GIL AND BRITNEY’S HOME (KITCHEN) - DAY GIL Hi. BRITNEY Hi. ... So, did you enjoy being single today? GIL Yes. BRITNEY I enjoyed it, too. I had sex with the cable guy at noon. And then at one, I used your Derek Jeter jersey to scrub my toilet. GIL What?! BRITNEY Just kidding. I thought about doing those things--but then I remembered that of the two of us, I’m the mature one. Gil sits down.

34. GIL ... Where’s my Derek Jeter jersey? Let me check it. BRITNEY You should be checking my vagina right now. You care more about the jersey than whether I had sex with someone? GIL Fine. I’ll check your vagina. BRITNEY You don’t get to check my vagina anymore. We’re separated. So please separate your ass from my sofa. GIL I will. When our lease is up. BRITNEY I thought you were moving out. GIL Well. I mean, you know what our financial situation is like. BRITNEY Are you referring to the fact that you’re a broke bastard? GIL No. I just can’t afford to pay half the rent here, and the full rent somewhere else. BRITNEY Because you’re a broke bastard. So. ... Tim won’t let you live at his apartment. GIL Says who? BRITNEY Macy told me that Rebecca’s is moving out of her apartment, and moving in with Tim. GIL Right. So there’s a vacancy. Go live with Macy. And pay me half of our rent.

35. BRITNEY I’m staying here. GIL I guess you’re also a broke bastard. ... Where’s the duct tape? BRITNEY Are you gonna repair the cabinet with it? GIL No. I’m gonna mark your half of the apartment from my half of the apartment. BRITNEY This isn’t I Love Lucy. GIL Well. Then I’m gonna duct tape your mouth shut. Oh--and let’s split our Tivo in half. Right now, your shitty programs take up like 80% of it. He turns on the TV, and uses the remote to flip through the recorded programs. GIL The Real Housewives of Atlanta? That’s gotta go. BRITNEY If you delete that, I’m gonna clean our toilet with your Derek Jeter jersey. GIL Well if you do that, then I’ll sleep with the cable guy. By the way--I thought you were the mature one in this relationship. BRITNEY I am. GIL And yet, you threaten threaten to clean toilets with my clothing, you watch The Real Housewives and The Bachelorette, and you read Us Magazine.

36.

BRITNEY At least I don’t juggle fruit and watch Benny Hill. GIL Fine. You win. Britney. You’re the mature one. He goes to the kitchen, takes three tangerines out of the refrigerator, takes them back to the living room, and juggles them in front of Britney while singing the Benny Hill song. She bats the tangerines away from him. GIL Real mature, Britney. BRITNEY I’ll be in my room. She starts walking away. GIL You mean the bedroom? BRITNEY Yes. GIL I get 50% of that room. BRITNEY We are not sharing a bedroom. You better stay in this living room. GIL Oh yeah? Well you better... fucking... uh... whatever. She walks away.

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