The Gwydion Bible

The Gwydion Bible Posted by Professor Mu-Chao on 26 November 2009, 2:55 pm

Introduction I debated subtitling these, editing them for spelling, and maybe even adding comments, but resisted the impulse. The only thing such heinous acts of comprehension would do is ruin the pure magic of the Prophet’s statements. Thus, my editorial duties consisted merely of choosing which quotes of Gwyd’s to include and which section to include them under. All spelling and punctuation is the Prophet’s own and was undoubtedly done on purpose and with full malice of forethought. In places where it looks like the quote was taken out of context, well, it looked that way to us too when we first saw it. Good Luck.

The Book of Fizzix and other Purported Sciences U got me thinking of Schrodingers Cat. If U locke a cat in a box and poison it the cat will be alive and dead at the same time! I like chemistry better, because of the colloured liquids inside of the little bottles! it is scientificly proven that people with blue eyes are stuppider, because the light penetrares more into their eyes, and it dammages theyr brain! For the next five minutes I will belive in evolutionism! I’m not your mother, I can’t be, I have the wrong plumbing. I think that carl sagan is a little bit arrogant! I am totally unhable to catch moving objects… specially when they are moving towards me! does anyone know an hallucinogen that leaves youin a state where you do not move! how come energy possesses inteligence? My father can’t lol

why are the houses in the US made out of wood? they could be made of bricks, cimment and or stone! they would last longer, and they wouldn’t burn as much! SO was that guy in the university of Bagdad, who just about 1000 years before, said that if you could crack an atom, you could use the power to destroy Do you know why don’t ostrichs fly? Because it would be a pain if they shited on you! ok… the moon has just disaperared… the 5th dimension is 0

The Book of Love anyway, I’m starting some offensives now. the only problem, is that the victim of the offensives is my cousin, and I’m afraid that the condom fails, and i’ll father a 4 legged children! me prepares the whip and the CHAIR I can’t even get a discordian cat, or a discordian sheep, how am I suposed to get a discordian woman? I’m what you would call an Octosexual, I can have sex with everything that has holes in it…. (actualy holes aren’t necessary at all). Venus is the condom star. Can I have non-bastard children If I marry mysellf? yes, sex with betty davies bones! By the way where is the clirotis? And what the famous The Exorcist scene where the girl mastrubates with a crucifix…. We could put someone masturbating with an apple! I really didn’t like those orgasmic moans, comming from the manager oficce!

I’ve just been to the worst or better wedding of my life. That reminds me of my father… He keeps upsetting my pet birds when they are copulating, cause he thinks that the small one is killing the big one! What if I don’t have a penis? I never felt the need to do something that my parents didn’t liked, just to cross them (exept for the need to put stange objects in my mouth!) I’m not pregnant! I kinda like put in my mouth, everything inanimated object that crosses my way, like pens, rubbers, books, paper tissues, papers, newspapers, wires, cds, etc Does cunning have something to do with cunni? Favourite Sesame Street Character: the Cockie Monster maybe he has some erection problems (it is very comon I think) I assume that he has already passed is sexual prime times! I think that women now when a man has a crush, because we get an erection just because the person we have a chrush speaks to us or touches us etc. like wild thang! isn’t thang a juice? I’ve not been able to log on to my thingy! I’m currentrly undergoing on this sexual obssecion for religion! Get him horny online, and then cut his dick off… with your teeth or with a spoon… or with a spork… (the image of ripping his penis off with a spork should be a really really major turn off)… anyway, I’m going to fuck up his thingys… Throw me agains a wall and call me a caterpiller. they showed me a picture of a penis with sifilis, at a very young age, and that stoped me from doing somethings!

Oh baby, let me (verb) you with my (adjective) (noun). could you give an example? Oh baby, let me touch you with my sticky hands. I’m thinking in adopting…. that way; I could have a children, without that dipper thingy! In the sex part, i’ve written, that “I have it every sabbath, but since my genitals, where cut off at birth, I use my tongue” NOTE: I’m not castrated, it is a joke. I wonder if chinese women have theire orgasm’s in chinese? I would like to have a cthulhu sex toy We can rule the world If we start breeding… there are some people without funcional sex organs. my clenaing lady, has a very, very, very big mustache. I would rather have the queens adress… I wan’t to know if she uses the toilet or not. Just the other day on television I saw a man spanking a pig’s monkey. When I noticed it at first, it seemed like the man was extracting milk or something… Than I noticed the happy grin in the pigs face! (did anyone know that big pigs have small diks?) Did you know that an average woman eats about 2kg of lipstick during her life. I have worn lipstick too. In my initiation in to college has a freshmen. They painted me quite a lot. I think I was wearing lipstick everywere except on the lips. I have a pagan dildo. “”Karma karma acordean, You cum and go You come and g.ooooooooo,……… I also lLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEE to chew gumm…. and when I am not able to chew gumm, I will chew just about anything!

Just love children…. I would really like to have one of my one, but I can’t seem to put myself to the trouble of making one! Ok, just an intsy bitsy litte question are you male or female?

The Book of Cuisine me eats spargetti with ketchup! I’ve just vomited all over my living room I’ve vomited parts of my lunch for hours after dinner! in here the only drug that they can aford is wine! In China people eat dogs! I found that if you take a hudge amount of caffeine and vitamine-C, before and after you get drunk, you don’t get such a hangover… I baked muffins today! I didn’t really like the human finger stuffing, in my roasted fish last time. I like cookies but I don’t like meat! Shoped Pork And Ham? I like Kosher, specially those Kosher products at the shops with those stamps, telling that those are kosher products. It kind of leaves those conspiracionists confused, I talked to a guy with this weired theory who said that these stamps existed, because jews would only buy products made by other jews, and that all of the products in our markets where filled with secret messages! Just the other day, some guy tried to convince me that there was an international jewish conspiration to rule the world… one of the things that he delivered has a prove was the fact that jews who follow kosher, won’t buy food that isn’t kosher, he said that this was a thing that they did cause they didn’t want that non-jews would get richer! I say that there is a conspiration from vegetarians to rule the world, since vegetarians won’t buy things that aren’t vegetarian! Well… eating black olives out of the can (I have never ate black olives in a can, in fact I have never seen black olives being sold in a can) is the same thing, pretty much has driking virgin olive oil!

I’m speaking to a cookie! Strangely the girls were not being painted with lipstick, the where using food on them! I think that cyanide is that taste of bitter almonds. and the smell of almonds is the smell of benzaldeid! I made some soup. But I incidently put a little bit of beetroot into it. That red one… Anyway the soup got brown… Kind of like babt poop! I don’t know why everybody refused to eat it!

The Book of YHWH, his Virgin Ho, and Their Brat We do not have thankisgiving here in Portugal, but has in any other country with a majority of catholics we have a lot of religious Holydays… In wich we can masturbate thinking of the Virgin Mary… we shouldn’t be invaded by some pink-kitsh-shitty culture! like it happened to Wicca. no good chatholic would take a bath. isn’t Jackobs Ladder a kabbalistic thingy?!?!?!?! And then Mary Magdalene said to Jesus Christ: “Fuck me and marry me young!” The Virgin Mary is speaking to me through my computer, she is walking over my title bar….. I hate these fundamentalist christians suns of bitches. They really make me mad…. To bad we don’t have a lot of them around here. If I was the messiah, I would turn my owm blood into wine, so that I couldn’t get drunk! I’m Thinking of naming my daughter if I have one Eris Babalon ben Miriam ve-Yossef Castanheira Ginga and my son If I have one IHVH Adonai Eheieh Agla ben Miriam ve-Yossef Castanheira Ginga or IHSVH Isaac Elohim Theliel ben Miriam ve-Yossef Castanheira Ginga I just have to find a jewish Mary to marry me!

the virgin mary was concived without the original sin (does that mean that her parents didn’t eat apples) I have a theory… I think that 50% of all religions where created or reformed by charlatans. and the other 50% where created or reformed by crazy persons! I’m dazed… I was speaking with some guy in IRC, who said that he was a witch who was killed by the inquisition during the XII century, and then he returned has a inquisition priest, and then has a shaolin monk…. these are only three of his 1014 reincarnations… He says that he has come to this life to answer to our dobts! with priests and nuns you never know… They preach by day, and participite in wild orgys at the sound of Bauhaus by night! whait a minute yes I’m a muse… I influence things like fudamentalit texts and mein kampf, like in the movie dogma I don’t have a penis! He is a God of War. Elohim Sabaoth…. And yes, he gave the fundamentalist christian in the USA some tactical nukes, and if the Reformed Christians, will have their way there (those guyswho want to imput Mosaic Law has statual law) they will start use them, with those that don't agree with them. These christians terrorits… Does anybody remenber me saying some time ago that some christian glue a christian fish to my mothers car? Hummmmmm I hate mormons…. They keep waiking me up in the morning… Wich is weird, I didn’t know that they alowed blacks in theyre church. St. Teresa of Avilla was a real freakish lady… She used to have orgasms or something has a religious experiment…. She use to hang out with a freakish guy too…. Rumor has it that she used to eat moldy bread… and that the mold in the bread had a chemical structure similar to acid, and she used to have acid trips! they are the Church of Jesus Christ and The Latter Day Saints…. I belong to the Church of YHSVH Christo and the Latter Days Santas, the church founded originaly

by Yossef Smith in 1830….The Latter Day Santas referes to our charity works, we like poor children very much, so we usualy find them work, at the local factorys, whore-houses and stuff… I should have slept in satan’s bed….. Shouldn’t I? Some years ago, My computer was possessed with the Virgin Mary, and a bunch of Flying Pigs. Where were you when they crucified our lord?

The Book of Philosophy is it just me the only one, lost and alone in this muggle universe! Looking at and infinite number of directions at the same time…. Don’t U have to be a sphere to be hable to do that? My wisdom teeth are being born… It’s a real bitch! I don’t think they burn crosses in ireland either… Up there the crosses are made with stones…. Some people insist that I’m from a pararel universe! You shouldn’t drink anything without alcohol. Ohhhhh Now I understand why Michael Jackson turned white! Is he mindfucking us… Is he just stupid? Maybe you are very smart, and just don’t realize it. Ore you are very smart in a subject that you haven’t studied yet. I can’t figure out what’s wrong with being a discordian! I come across a lot of persons, who know all of the butterflies history, but who understand less of the chaos theory than me…. have you tried text without words or drawings without colour? Every Man, Woman, Children on this earth is a Mel.

Every man, woman and child on this earth is a fool! I think that the greatest composer from the 20th century was some person who wasn’t discoverd yet.. probably some woman, who was keep always getting no’s from recording companies and stuff, who ended up living on the streets and who eventually died of hunger, AIDS or a heroin overdose. In the future, some construction workers will find all of her music writings, and will deliver them to some editors or directors or musicians, and will get famous because of it! I don’t think that my advices are even of some use to me… I think that the godess Eris, sends them through me, just to generate some chaos in the mailing list, so that it can rain in Meca tomorrow!

The Book of Imbalance That reminds me of those crazy german artists that cut animals in half and put them on display! Well do U sacrifice animals too? do U get out on sathurdays? do U have sex every thursday night? Once i invented a religion it was called Heisenbergic Judaism of Saint Kirilov of the 8th day Hail IHVH Hail Eris Hail to the God that lives in the Math departmente Sigh Sigh Sputnick! Elo Hi Elo Hi Canto Nero Canto Nero I don’t remeneber my name! I don’t think that guns should be sold like candy…. (I have a weapon at the house, but it won’t kill anybody cause it is an heerloom from my greatgrand mother who liked to shoot at little birds or something… anyway It wouldn’t kill anyone if it worked) My problem isn’t with myself. My problem is with others. Have you ever tried to count dead Santa’s heads to sleep? Could someone trow me against the wall and call me a little lizzard? RAINING BLOOD!

Hi head a wet one, I went dancing in the rain, in the middle of a storm! Wednesday I’m going to mass murder some wiccans! I once saw a guy in the middle of a road trying to bullfight some cars! i ended up in the hospital, with something that on my fathers mind was massive bleading! Anyway, I entered the bathroom , his beard things where on top of that thing to wash your hands… I spread the shaving cream on my face, and I cutted my hands with the raisor. maybe his mother tried to calm him down with a little bit of crack when he was a baby! Does anyone want a wiccan body part mailed to him? speaking of killing a lot of people…. I’m being flooded with news, from a bunch of portuguese, that wen’t to brazil, to meet a friend and disapeared… it turn’s out that they finnaly arested the so called friend, and found out the six guys. they have benn clubed and knifed and shoot.. like this guy, planed theire trip to brazil, to steal theire money… he didn’t asked for a ransom, he just killed them, and stole theire atm cards…. and guess what he only got from tha atms abou $30000 dollars, witsh isn’t much from six people Usually I laugh myself to nosebleeds. I never cried to one though. I laughed till I cried. It’s kind of wierd, I can’t seem to cry on sad moments. I get all crazed up and I start to laugh like a maniak! Spend your time thinkind how you can get even with society in a funny way. Like, I’m not speaking of picking up a gun and killing a lot of people. A funny thing. I really love children and in the heat of the moment if I found someone raping a child I would probably kill that person. and I’m going to have to go to sleep, because tomorrow I’ll start a fire using wiccans has wood! It feels like I’m alone at home, speaking with myself, over the telephone! I haven’t been here for the last few days, cause thursday, I got so drunk, that I feel into a river (unfortumably I missed the river, and I fell in a boat, wich by the way was called titanik)…. Why waste your tongue if U can use, nasal mucos?

I think that those people who hear voices telling them to rape and murder, hear the voice, from outside of theire ears! I just remenbered that my inner voice probably doesn’t speak to me in languages since when i am distracted, I can’t tell in wich language i am listening, people are speaking to me , or I am reading! I must admit to IT….. I’M TOTALY ADICTED IN LEONARD COHEN….. I even dream with the man at night! Could you at least please kill me? What day is today? Sorry I can help myself I just can’t stop myself I am going crazy…. lharc….. hummmm kill me! My head is exploding….. I have no stomach I have no liver…… I’m dead. HUmmmm is anybody interested in a Jihad agains the Church of Sub-Genius? We could raid they’re HQ, steal they’re webspace and they’re money, revive inquisition, torture them and burn them at the stake!

The Book of Portugal I don’t have to pay for de Xerox machine, but I have to pay for the water… when I ask for a glass of watter in galicia they bring me a toast since this group seems to be out of the city limits (other groups) we also have to remenber the septic tank! has anyone heard of plumbing?

I live in a very small country, in wheter you are close to the municipal sewage system, or you don’t have sewage at all, and have to go to the woods to take a dump! I think I said this before…. I live in a semi-third world country, in here, who doesn’t live near the plumbing sistem (nobody lives very far from the plumbing sistem) doesn’t have plumbing at all. They just use the fields or something… well I know someone, who was born in the sink… my mother didn’t use pain killers, and she didn’t have much pain (well, she took public transportations to the hospital) his mother, thinked that she was pissing, and the baby was being born For the first time last night, I encountered the lowest form of decadence in portugal (if you leave all the smelly decadence out). Stip bars and prostituion… For some weird reason, besides the prostitutes, there where only men on the street. moust of the portuguese heroes, where also, mass murders or maniacs or crazy persons…. like we had this queen, who spent her time promoting coups d’etat, like she helped someoe to overthrow the government, and she did the same six mounths later, to help to overthrow the government that she had established…. and whe had this king, who forced people, to recognize is dead wife has queen (his father, had her killed some years ago)… and I think that her body was on the room. and we also have this guy named Fernando Po and this other guy, named Fernão de Magalhãespr Ferdinand Magallean or something, who belived that the world was round, and that fell trough the egde of the world, trying to circunavegate the earth. and we had this president, who took the electric car, to go to work at the palace, he had a social pass and everything…. People wearing pink or bright green training suits (you know, those thinks that people wear when they are practicing sports… no and they are not lycra.). With black shoes and white socks…the man use large gold chains around theyr neckes, and have the top part of the training suits oppened, so that they can show theyre hairy breast. They also have a bigger nail (a very big nail) in the little finger, so that they can clean theire noses, ears and teeth.

Around here there is an alcohol problem, some of the older ones, seem normal, and people don’t even notice that they are alcoholic, and others are lets just say, they got stupid during time! Salazar Slytherin is named Salazar because of our own personal dictactor… (he died 30 years ago… and he was a honest dictactor… he even had chickens in the palace (where he lived, to save money) to save money on food)… I live in a third world country… we don't know what a vallium is… if anyone want’s to get a good night’s sleep around her he or she has to bang his/her head against the wall till the loss of conciousness! don’t move to hispania, we don’t have trailler parks…….(TORI AMOS) we just have degraded neighbourhoods, and “”houses”" build with wood

The Book of Media I just hope U don’t get shoot orr get tortured to death with brazilian soap-operas and get to see 21! I think Marylin Manson should burn at the stake, toghether with all of it’s clones! Donald Duck doen’t have a penis! They Might Be Giants are discordian? does this mean that I can’t buy theire cds? become famous apear on tv go to prision Then you will have lot’s of neurothic grils around you! Pikachu. The other day, I saw in TV a witch/stripper. Who claimed that she could take sexual power out of men. She said that she had some spells, that would cause impotency or a decreases of the size of the male genitalia. She was also a stripper, because she had seen a black saint (an African female saint) that told her to strip unfortunably, I have never seen any movie directed by the worst director ever I think….

Oh my God They’ve killed kenny. Is this true, or is it just another one of those www.theonion.com stories? Yes, I recently saw a portuguese movie, about this singer, who raped his 13 yo adoptive daghter (suposibly, that was what they said in the heart magazines, but he admited doing it in the movie) well moving on. The story was about the big preview of his show “”The Phantom of the Operet”", and he was constantly thinking of taking cocain, and by this he wanted to become and international artist. But since noone really liked him, they conspirated with his old rival, who was by then an old alcoholic homeless, and his assistent Sissy La Masochiste, a french movie porn star, gave him 2 lb of plaster, instead of the cocaine(wich he had never seen), so his voice was permanently damaneged, and his old rival got the part. Meanwhile on the background you would catch scenes of the owner of this two artists recording companie, and the storie of his divorce, because his 40 yo wife, was sleeping with the 18yo neighbour, and she kind of selled everything in the house, to buy him things like a motorcycle, a flat-screen tv, video games, computers, etc. I once read a book by Josteen Gaarder, about a man who collected Jokers…. Ok I’m starting seeing things… i’m thinking of killing myself. after watching jerry springer! this was some weird thing, about a girl leaving her boyfriend, after she cheated on him for 8 months, with another girl…. then they find out that the other girl was six months pregnant of her girlfriend’s boyfriend… and they had another case, about these this couple, the husband was sleeping with his wife’s best friend… the the wife’s best friend came, they had an argument…. then the wife’s bestfriend, boyfriend apeared, and he said that he was cheating on her with guys! who the hell is ambrose bierce? Catsup:? Blackadder goes Forth:? Is it that groovy sauce that you get when you squeeze a cat:?

The Book of the Occult We’ll I’m totally against Eris…. And I am also against the Mystical assholes that have their heads full of shit that someone hammered into it!

Has anyone notices that Yah OO can be something from the kabbalah, destined to spell us all? I feel stupid by doing this, but I thing I should warn you. And although this seems like it, this isn’t a joke. There is someone in the USA, selling the real necromicon, writen on human skin, to begginer discordians. Yes I am serious. There were at least 4 known cases. I don’t know if this is of any importance. But there is a really famous brasilian writer, that used to be a thelemite. And i think he claims to have felt the devil or something in the bathroom. I have just made, some thelemite cakes of light! Weeeeeeeeee I am the THoth Fairie! NorthWind tradition, means that the wind that runs trough both of her ears, and occupies, the place where her brain should be. Runs in the direction from south to north! I have found one girl, but she doesn’t like me, cause she is wiccan and she says that wicca is a paleolitic religion, and I say that she is wrong that that paleolitic religion she is speaking of, is the religion of the elephant dung! ok would you belive that my first website… done at 16 with some friends was deleted, because it had a pentagram! I collect tarot decks, but I only use the thoth tarot! and I don’t use it for divination, because I don’t really belive in divination, cause I don’t belive in time! I have just finished blessing all of my underpants(?is it called that way?) and all of my socks! I’m very conservative when it comes to underware. by the way, I’ve declared myself Fluffy Bunny 666 or the bunny of the apocalypse or the mini therion! No I am not a wiccan, but (this is embarassing) I have been one, but only for a short while.

What is wicca older than discordia? I have been telling everyone that discordia whas the ancient religion practiced in Atlantida. The Atlanteans spread it all around the world, but it was corrupted by the phallocentric primitive peoples, and finally Eris Kallisti Discordia, achieved the status of an evil deity in such regions such has greece, italy and india. And meanwhile Atlantis was destroyed. Then the Godess decided to retire herself, and return when the world was ready for her. So she took her space ship to Sirius, and stayed there, until the 50′s sending her little gray helpers to test people (hence the allien abductions). So she returned in the 50′s and apeared with a monkey to 3 guys in a bowling halley in california. These people where chosen to write her sacred words in the form of hidden text messages. She still sends her little gray helpers to test people, with probes and stuff to chose some illuminated ones, who then are hipnotized to find the Principia and become discordians! sign: Frater Ain Aemeth Can anybody belive, that yesterday some asshole atempted against my human rights by saying that I had seen spirits. I answerd no. and he wen’t on Insisting that I had seen spirits I replyed no, I advised him that he was going against my human rights and told him to go and seek some help. And he continued saying that I had seen spirits! Although I think it’s possible that the stars and planets may have an influence on our lifes, I don’t know why in astrology people don’t consider the energy released or reflected by your cloth and by just about everything that is around you! Altough I take one year to understand a simple sentence moust of the times, I find the kabbalah easier than the yogic stuff Has anyone who has never seen/heard about UFO’s abductions reported an anduction?

The Book of English If even my 1st language is poor, why should my second be rich? No… my english isn’t good enough to spell Kerosene correctly! what the Fuck is a “”Procrastination”"?!?!?!?!

What is Thealogy – the logic of tea? What is a Kaka? my mother is a bitch (I think this term can be used has a compliment can’t it?) I think I’m a pope too or is it a poop? I’m known wordwild for being sleepy all day. Let’s all give a group Hugh to hexar! sorry I’m not 23 and I don’t like neckrubs, actually I don’tt know what they are and the word is not on the dictionary! I won’t coment it I am very happy coma (in my language, this is a dirty word for vagina) Thank goodness I don’t need topy spelling I already spell bad, naturaly! Don’t joke me How do you know that my intent wasn't to make you belive that my intent is that one, that you think it is now. but really my intent is the oposite of that one! I thought (is it spealed that way?) that when you where getting in the initial stages of illumination you began to shine like a light bulb, and you began seing other things shining like light bulbs…….. Or squirelles! Went to play soccer on monday at 2 in the morning, and ended up taking a friend to the hospita…. With an injured feet. Minimalist lyrics? I was starting to get worried:. I don’t know why, but everything that I write or say doesn’t make any sence at all:! Jessu My language skills are getting worst everyday! Even I can’t read what I write.

I don’t mis-spell I’m creating a new language! Hey, Kaka means shit! Actually my problem is that, i can’t write a correct sentence in any language! I’m dislexic, I have two right hands

The Book of Politics It’s not to late, the problem can still be solved. Laura Bush should be Killed, and W should be forced to marry Al Gore, then they could go changing places, as the president, and 1st lady. And the world would be at peace again! U are too barbarians, U still have the death penalty. (and women with very large hairs in texas) Weird Weird very weird… What is wrong with south USA? In texas you can’t have anal sex…. I’m thinking of putting a bomb in some governement buildings when the government is in ther. It is so funny seing people fighting in moldavian. The canadians are canadians Isn’t Canada a Monarchy? Lebanon is a real weird country too! I think that theire national sport is killing each other!

The Book of Holidays I don’t like rudolf He is always drunk and driving… Somebody will end up dead! next weekend I will be putting some laxative in the cakes on the backery near by, to make a nice easter to everybody! on every Friday the 13th I will Drink a Cuba Libre in memory of something, that i can’t remenber, and I won’t remenber at the end of the night either, ‘though I will spend the whole night trying to

remenber…. And I will eat some chewing gumm… The Cuba Libre is the Blood and The Chewing gumm hid the body… really bad things have happened on saturday the 14th. Like once I saw a man flying something like 50 metros (the first person I saw dying). I think we should make, every day, the 23rd day of each mounth! from this friday on, I’ll be at a party called The Funeral. I’m totally dead, I’ve slept one hour last night, and I’ve been sleeping about 3 hours per night…. I’ve been in something called praxis, wich only just started, that is I’ve been covering other people with flour, ketchup, detergents, lard, yogyurt, etc, etc, etc… last night, about 24 years ago, I got really drunk, and since then I slept for one hour, so I decided to come here, and tell’yall why I’m not posting at the moment…. then you take them, put clean film around theire hair, and etc. and then you do this stupid games with them… they don’t play sink:( cause they are freshmen(women, moustly women) and they aren’t very smart yet… anyway this is all done while the students executing the praxis are dresses in the university’s custom wich is a 3 piece suit, and this really heavy cape, with a hood to put on your head oh, in here, tha labor day, is in the 1st of May…! this is stupid but day rimes with May May the force be with Y’all! The Book of Confusion Jihaddddddd Kill hem all destroy theyr homes rape theyr mother (or theyr fathers acording to your sex and your sexual orientations) Burn them or hang them by the way! who r them? Green Tree Yellow Wind!

What where U taking man? Yes, actually I think I’ve heard of him…. but he is really mentaly hill. I think he is in the middle of the Atlantic in a nutt house. I go there sometimes, but i think that the people who hang around don’t have arms! Wasn’t Charles Manson safe enough? Did he kill anyone? Yes they piss litellary… But I don’t know if they know that theire piss marks the territory! Simple word association…. California… Bullfighting…. Do they kill the bulls in bullfighting in california? I’m not trailler trash but If I lived in the US I would be trailler trash, so I’m just technically not trailler trash! Does anyone remember that crazy guy, in Oman or Qtar or something like that, who didn’t allow, the use of shoes, sunglasses, and things that derive from oil… Like, he had a car, but it was pulled by slaves. And he didn’t allow, his subjects to study either, his son was arested, after finishing school in uk, etc. Oh those russians! I think Psyche is a Pedophile (another greek word) Plutos is that blind guy that carries a horn arround! I always kinda tought that you where a nightmare in God’s mind! Why am I the only one who doesn’t recive e-mail virus? I don’t drive (there would be a lot less of persons in europe if I drove). Clethus? I just love the name Clethus! I’m a wind head and I find almoust everything particulary amusing! Abducted should be translated to “”raptado”" and it’s translated to “”abduzidos”" lolll

silence desconcentrastes me a little bit I hsve to copy other people’s google I think i will start glowing apples to cars I think that I will start to ask a randsome to the world, not to bathe. Isn’t a Jake a trojan horse tatic kind of thingy? aren’t there a lot os Zz around here? I would like to be an X or an Y Ararita Ararita Ararita May I assassinate the guestbook? actually I don’t know, but it would be very complicated to do, since they are very very low! they don’t have any floors! I have no advice, nor anything interesting to say! I had a dog named Diana once! don’t you have fingers? hey, you are a weirdo. I on this day of even, resent the reference to my people has a mage. (don’t know why, but I don’t think I like four letter words…. Maybe it is because of my first name… it’s a four letter word. And maybe it is because of my second name… it is a four letter word) I heard that the queen never once used her bathroom, the one that she takes with her where she goes inside the UK,…. So is it true that the queen doesn’t piss? I used to be the patron saint of vacuum clenaers and vibrators, or something like that, but now I’m dead! do you smell funny? Bad Ju Ju really Bad Ju Ju but why can’t I stop laughing?

I Just called to say I love you! Actualy I didn’t But I love you anyway… I have a friend who studys in england, and he told me that, in rural england, they have burnet a pedo-psychiatrist house down, because they thought he was a pedophile…. I sunk Caligula’s Horse, I proclaim him, patron saint of Trojan Downloads! I almoust swear, that yesterday I heard a cat barking. Another person who would make a rather good discordian saint in Christo Javacheff. At firt because, we could have something like the anti-christ, but in this case, we could have an AntiChristus. Second, because e wraps things, he could be the saint of pure capitalism, gift shops and tv-shop. We could print his had wraped in nyllon in money. thirdly, because I don’t remenber any other good reason, and I have to go now, so I’ll send this, so that y’all can had your own personal reasons. I’m not french, and you are not german, I don’t think you should call me a peasent. When I was an elephant, I had sex with a rabbit, and I gave birth to a flying mouse! My friend was hit by a flying telephone. This is weird, but my body hair is getting bigger and bigger by the day… It is even groing on my back. but the strangest thing is that my mother only has pubic hair, and hair on her head! I don’t really remenber why I’m writing this… I’m The Poncho Lama I’m the Pancho Lama My father had the same problem… He started going to the psichiatrist… and he gave him some pills, well that made it worse… The fortunate think for my father was that he caught tuberculosis on a subway, and he wen’t to a really nice clinic at the end of the world with some really good nuns and psicologists. Fish don’t have has much blood has meat

The Book of Explanations I guess I’m silly all the time. But moust men aren’t. I guess… I’ve never noticed either! I found out where my way of sayng things comes from…. I just noticed(actually I didn’t noticed) that my mother has this way of sayng everyfing that goes trough her mind, and my father has an kind of weird way of saying things that often offends people. and I don’t speak english that well… and I’m not a very good person to be around when your down, cause I tend to say things that make you feel worst when I’m not thinking (wich is moust of the time), If you need anything in particular mail me! I spend my whole time, hanging around deeply disturbed persons who are becoming math students! Sorry I am new here… Remeber Remenber Remenber Zion Tell me a Tale of Shem and of Shaum! Peny for the widows son? i put a moff ball on my nose once!

Liber 3168 Part I The Birth 1. Upon the mountain lived a jeweler who was bereft of thought, yeah, and action even. Impotence and constipation and hemorrhoids and other vile afflictions ravaged his flesh and made him upset and somewhat crabby. It didn’t help that he had nothing to eat, either. 2. One day this crabby man was visited by the Prophet Gwyd and the Prophet took one look at the crabby man’s situation and felt pity for him. Thinking he would cheer him up, the Prophet asked the man, “Do you know why don’t ostriches fly?”

3. The man was about to slap the Prophet in irritation when suddenly, he had an epiphany. His mind had been sent into overdrive by this seemingly innocent question and through a few acts of miraculous mental association, he understood everything – the long-sought universal equation unraveled itself in his mind. 4. “HAHA!” the man exclaimed. “I see now why they missed it! They didn’t take HER into account! What good are equations if you cannot use them to make toast?!?!? If you can’t taste their peppermint flavor?!?!? Thank you, Prophet, for showing me the truth – the answer is E – R / I * S(5) ! 5. The Prophet said, “No, because it would be a pain if they shitted on you!” Part II The Tale of the Meta-Wei 1. First, there was the Wu, but it soon got boring. Wu, wu, wu, day and night — nothing else, which is to say, nothing at all, existed. The concept of existence and non-existence did not exist. The concept of boredom did not even exist. You can see how this could get pretty boring. 2. Next, the Wei was formed through this concept of boredom that had been created due to the Wu, which was in truth unable to create anything, being nothing and therefore doing nothing. Wei, on the other hand, was everything and anything, including nothing, which is what Wu is, but is not, since it cannot be anything, including nothing. 3. On and on this went, nothing somehow producing something that included nothing and was everything, on and on and more encompassing than even a speck of dust, which can be very encompassing if you look at it the right way when you are high. 4. Revelation is a form of action, and so the Wu revealed itself as action, even though it is actually inaction, by tripping and getting its first letter all jumbled up to M. Wu had thus, with one misstep, become Mu, which was just as problematic as being Wu for it, truthfully, because Wu and Mu are essentially the same nothing that cannot exist or be defined and so, though its outward appearance had changed, it still did not have any outward appearance to speak of and was therefore sad, though it could not be personified and so was slowly being driven insane. 5. Disgusted, the Wei looked upon the Mu with loathing and derision. The Mu took some psychedelic ‘shrooms to help it get over the sadness of losing everything, and took the form of something in order to remember everything (since it now only had nothing). Sometimes, you can still see aspects of little Mu taking ‘shrooms and in turn a physical form.

Part III Flash-Thud 1. And then one day, in a very, very bad place of your own choosing, there appeared a faintly glowing object that twisted and danced upon the ground like a… a… twisting, dancing thing. 2. No one was there to see it twist and dance; in fact, it could be said that since no one was there to see it twist and dance, it did not REALLY twist and dance, but rather laid there doing nothing, much like clean socks do. 3. So, this twisting, dancing thing did not twist and dance, just as at the start of it all, the Wu did not Wei when it Mu’d. 4. Thus, as it was in the beginning, so it is later in the afternoon, when the sun is on the other side of the sky and the beach is clearing off for lovers young and old, and beer cans full and empty, and condoms new and used. 5. That being said, the twisting, dancing thing separated into two, who then wiped their brows and held each other closely, not twisting and dancing whether anyone was watching or not, but rather replenishing their expended energy with popsicles. Part IV It’s A Parable, You Idiot 1. The Anti-Master turned to his followers and exclaimed, “Who here knows what Discordia is?” 2. One disciple immediately replied, “Five tons of flax!” The Anti-Master whapped him on the noggin with his cane. 3. Another said “Kill Eris!” The Anti-Master kicked this disciple in the shins and ripped up his food chit in disgust. 4. A third disciple cautiously stuck his tongue out and rolled his eyes. The Anti-Master grabbed his tongue between his fingers and dragged him into the loo. He dunked him in the dung several times screaming, “Where did you learn that… Deepak Chopra?!?!” 5. His final disciple looked at him a moment, then quick as a Python cut he grabbed the AntiMaster’s pistol out of its holster and shot him in the leg. Before he passed out, the Anti-Master said, “Give that man a Golden Apple…”

Part V Not The Answer 1. A dark cloud bloomed overhead as the Prophet Gwyd and the Legendary Fake Caterpillar faced off at high noon in the village square. 2. Both figures stood without moving as the gathered crowd anxiously watched on, waiting for one of the Wise Ones to begin the match. 3. The Fake Caterpillar began by chanting the mantra, “An egg! An egg! An egg!” until it began pouring out as a meaningless stream of syllables that made everyone in the crowd wish he would stop. 4. When the Prophet Gwyd recovered from this nefarious onslaught, he countered with the saying, “I am The Fool who is going crazy, and who is all wet and hot!” 5. The Fake Caterpillar was rocked to his foundations by this declaration, but he held on as he recited a Cyclopean tale of terror that was really a Shaggy Dog Story in disguise. 6. The gathered crowd had not seen a fight like this in years; indeed, no records exist from the ancient times when, according to legend, all Catmations were as entertaining as this. The vendors rejoiced at the crowd’s growing appetite. 7. The Prophet Gwyd sized up the situation and, cracking his neck with a shrug of his shoulders, he began massaging his nipples as he screamed, “Sorry… I can help myself… I just can’t stop myself… I am going crazy…. lharc….. hummmm…. kill me!” 8. Realizing that just one misplaced Ia! or Evoe! in that last volley would have done him in, the Fake Caterpillar rolled up his sleeves and opened his mouth to blurt out his favorite move, the Flax Attax, when suddenly a shadow fell on the ground between the two combatants (for it was well past noon at this point). 9. Looking into the sun, the combatants and the crowd could only see an indistinct shadow of an immense being wearing a fedora and an overcoat. 10. The figure stood quietly for a moment, and then as if joining the battle, he put forth in a deep, booming voice:

11. “Why did the chicken cross the road?” No one answered. He took a live chicken out of his overcoat and dropped it on the ground. He then yanked out a pistol and shot the bird. There was silence from the crowd. The mysterious being continued: 12. “Are there gods?” No answer greeted his question. He waved his hands, and reality itself began to weeble and wobble. As people looked around themselves in confusion, buildings morphed and twisted into grapes, and other weird things, all constantly moving and changing. Then, like a bubble bursting, the world they were used to popped back into place. 13. “Is anyone here an individual?” People were too frightened to answer at this point and suddenly, everyone realized they were wearing the same clothes as the person standing next to them… and their hair looked the same… indeed, everyone was slowly becoming like everyone else as they stood and watched. The people began to panic and some ran off screaming in terror. 14. “What is your point here, stranger? We were having fun until you came along and spoiled everything!” said the Legendary Fake Caterpillar. The stranger turned his head to the Fake Caterpillar and spoke the following: 15. “Humor without purpose should be left to comedians. We, the creators of Discordia, are ashamed that that even the raw simplicity of the Principia did not get through to you dolts.” 16. Someone in the crowd could be heard saying, “A REAL discordian wouldn’t… *croak* … *ribbit*…” 17. “Chaos is nothing but a metaphor for Freedom of the Individual to Change. High-minded ideas and treatise about what chaos is is wasted effort — Chaos is everything around you, if you want it to be. 18. “One does not ‘Become’ a Discordian; one is always ‘becomING’ something, whether it is a Discordian, a Christian or a human being. Don’t blithely throw out the term cabbage; there are as many of these cabbages WITHIN the ranks of Discordia as without. 19. “This doesn’t mean they are not good people… it just means that they are still journeying. Except for rare moments of inspiration, I MYSELF am a cabbage. 20. “This should not be used as an excuse, however. If cabbages stop striving to better themselves, they get rotten on the inside and start growing mold on the outside. Their brains become glorified tape recorders.

21. “Many of you are rotting away as I speak! All you must do to free yourselves is to move on… get out of your rut! WAKE THE FUCK UP!” 22. The crowd cowered. The Fake Caterpillar, brave to the end, ventured one more statement. “Much of what you say makes sense, but don’t you think that you would get a better reaction if you weren’t so authoritarian and insulting?” 23. “We’re just shitting you,” said the monstrous stranger. And with that, it dropped the overcoat and revealed that this ‘mysterious stranger’ was merely three tiny elves on top of each other’s shoulders. 24. “So what do we win?” asked the elf who had been the head of the stranger. 25. Throughout the ages, myths have formed that explain how certain things came into being. Echo, Narcissus, Arachne… and now, chocolate covered elf-pieces — or as Nabisco likes to call them, Keebler Cookies.

Liber 3167 Part I Chaos 1. Prince Mu-Chao was in the glade, and it was there he chewed hay. As he chewed his hay in the glade, he said, “Yea, the hay is good hay and it is bad hay and it is somewhat good hay and it is somewhat bad hay and hey, was that a blue colored moose?” 2. It was a blue colored moose, but as it got closer it changed into a red cow, and as it got closer than that it became an orange pistachio, and as it got even closer, it became a pink heron, and as it got closest it became a purple dinosaur. 3. So Prince Mu-Chao said unto it, “Barney, whyfore do you strut and sway and turn into various colored animals before my very eyes and fuck with my mind so?” 4. And Barney said unto Prince Mu-Chao, “Of what do you speak, Prince? I am not changing color and I thinkest my name is not Barney, for no one has ever called me such in my immortal life. I am the Goddess Eris and I have come to answer the questions thou hast not yet asked me on this very night.”

5. And Prince Mu-Chao apologized profusely and made excuses and referred to the lysergic acid in his system as the culprit for the misrepresentation of the Goddess by his eyes and mind. And so the Goddess forgave and shortly gave answers to questions the Prince did not even know to ask as of yet. 6. After this, Prince Mu-Chao began acting very strangely, for he began touching himself in public and eating Gobstoppers with peanut butter and even went so far as to write about himself in the third person. Verily, something strange was a toe in Denmark. 7. And he began talking to grasshoppers and listening to melons and peeing in Dixie cups and frying Hot Wheels and pinching his cheek in a very suggestive and revolting way, and spilling his seed in the dust. 8. When asked about his indecent, illicit and sometimes just fucking weird behavior, Prince MuChao said only, “Beware the Goddess, for she is a real Bitch and will ruin your life in her mysterious ways. For that is what she does, Turnip. The Goddess fucks with you not so you gain enlightenment, or so you become a better person, or so you come to your senses. No, the Goddess fucks with you because it’s fun for Her to do so. 9. “Eris was a freight train,” Prince Mu-Chao continued, “and I was a duck. Oh baby, baby, the road is marching on. Fnordits and Granfalloons I beg of you give me my simple yet frabjuous caloo-callay!” 10. Prince Mu-Chao did stammer and scream much more than just this, and yet the Holy Tape Recorder did stop taping at this point, for we used Cheap Generic Batteries and not Energizers, nor Duracells, and so we lost the Holy Word as told to us by Prince Mu-Chao. 11. Yet all is not lost for the Goddess came back and attempted to speak to the Prince again who, when told that the Goddess was calling on him waxed sorely pissed and jiggled his willy at the rest of the 23 Apples and screamed, “NO, no, no, no, NO!” 12. The Apples wanted to cover up their mistake with the Holy Tape Recorder and so they laughed in the Prince’s face and ushered Eris into Mu-Chao’s padded cell despite his cries and mewlings and moanings, closing and locking the door behind her to protect themselves from any after-effects of Eris’ Chaos. 13. The next morning the Apples unlocked and opened the padded door and behold! And stuff! Eris and Prince Mu-Chao were no longer in the room. The Prince had apparently escaped in the night and was probably dancing naked in a field of poppies or marigolds or magazines or something.

14. And so the Apples set upon the task of finding him and after having not found him, of looking for him, and after having not looked at him, of yelling for him, and after having not yelled at him, of going to the local pub and ordering several mugs of Guinness. 15. The Apples did get drunk, and they did pass out, and they did sleep. 16. In the meantime, Prince Mu-Chao was hiding in a silo on the edge of town mumbling obscenities at himself and at the dragons and the elephants that joined him in his once-serene setting. 17. He knew not how he got here, nor where his pants were, and yet he uttered his obscenities still and did get dizzy when he caught a whiff of one of the elephant’s cloud of pink gas and so, as at the beginning of this wholly book, the Prince became psy-enabled. 18. And upon his re-enabilization he saw St. Gulik, a giant cockroach, playing solitaire with the Ghost of Emperor Norton in one corner of the silo. The dragons and the elephants gave them both a wide berth. Fearing the onset of lunacy, the Prince blinked and squished his eyelids together tightly, yet when he opened them, the Holy Things were still playing solitaire. 19. “Oy!” Prince Mu-Chao said, even though he was not and is not Jewish. He slowly made his way around the silo and sat down beside the card players, who gave him long, pitying looks between playing their cards. 20. “Well, from the looks on your faces, I can see that you have news of not the good kind for me that I am going to hate. Verily, you can tell me; I will not punch you in the nose. Out with it, damn you!” 21. “Oy, vey!” St. Gulik said, even though he was not and is not Jewish. “The Lady told us to come and tell you that you can run, but you can’t Hyde, and not to step on her Blue Suede Shoes, and, oh yes, dial 867-5309,” he said, handing the Prince his Celestial Cell Phone. It was digital and the connection was good. 22. And so Prince Mu-Chao dialed the number and got a funny beeping tone, followed by a disembodied voice telling him that the number he dialed could not be reached. St. Gulik reminded him that he had to dial *5” to get out of Reality, and so the Prince dialed a *5” before 867-5309 and Eris picked up the phone, “Wrong number, please!” 23. “WHAT IS IT YOU WANT FROM ME?!?!?!” the Prince screamed into the phone, startling the elephants (but not the dragons, for dragons are very much used to people yelling when they are around).

24. “I just wanted to tell you to write another Holy Book entitled Liber 3167 and in it, chronicle your dealings with me to warn others that I am a bitch and should not be trusted.” 25. “I believe that,” said Prince, and he whistled a hearty tune as he walked back to 23 Apples Headquarters. Part II Discord 1. “Get the hell out, Illuminati SCUMM; or I’ll bean you with a K-apple and mail you chewed up GUM!” sang Mu-Chao as the bass pounded, the drum snared and the lead guitar whined. 2. “Ok, wait… stop… stop,” said Mu-Chao and the music wound down as the rest of the Apples stopped playing their instruments. “This sucks, verily. We need a better songwriter, and better musicians, and a better singer if we want to be an actual band.” 3. “We have a good name,” said the Happy Fun Ball, “that should count for something. I mean, Hog-Blowing Bite Me Power Tool Apocalypse Riding Liquid Nicotine Dune Buggies is a GOOD name.” 4. “And yet, we have absolutely no musical talent, except Fluff plays the bass harmonica very well, of course. I am a writer, not a singer. I sound worse than Bob Dylan with a head cold and a case of the runs.” 5. Thus the Hog-Blowing Bite Me Power Tool Apocalypse Riding Liquid Nicotine Dune Buggies disbanded in disgrace and turned back to writing propaganda, from whence they had come. 6. Eris came to Prince Mu-Chao that night when he was in his den gulping whiskey and going over Finnegan’s Wake with a fine-toothed brush for answers to the age-old question ‘What the fuck was Joyce on, anyway?’. 7. “Oh, shit, not you again. Look, I’m writing your goddamn book, you’ve got to give me time. It’s only been a couple of years,” the Prince said, backing his chair across the room to remove himself from her wake. 8. “I really liked that band, Mu-Chao. Why did you decide to stop playing? The unmelodious melody struck a dischord in my Sacred Heart and made me sad in a happy sort of way.”

9. “What are you talking about? We sucked. It wasn’t just bad music, nor was it just bad singing, nor was it bad songwriting. We just sucked,” the Prince pointed out, trying not to offend the Goddess while still making his point. 10. And yet Eris insisted that the music they made was special to Her and that if the band did not continue to play and send Her demo tapes once a month, She would wax sorely pissed and make sure to visit the Prince every night. 11. Being a fairly smart guy, Mu-Chao knew he could not handle dealing with the Goddess every night. Hell, he couldn’t even deal with the telemarketers he got calls from now, how was he going to manage with the Goddess of Chaos every night? 12. After mumbling something about Jesus never visiting His followers and making THEIR lives miserable, he agreed that the Hog-Blowing Bite Me Power Tool Apocalypse Riding Liquid Nicotine Dune Buggies would get back together under the name K235172571532-5 and release Their Second Album (the first was entitled Their First Album and is only available for a limited time in a dumpster down the street from where I am writing this). 13. Eris was overjoyed and She danced around the room, knocking over a bookshelf, the 23 Apples’ Server, the Prince’s bottle of Bushmills, and a tesseract that had started to grow out of the wall. Then she promptly dematerialized and left the Prince to ponder what in the world he was going to do. 14. She knew he hating playing the music, but she wanted him to do it anyway. What if the music was not dischordant, but instead chordant? She would hate it then, and force them to stop! 15. And so the Apples practiced and practiced, discarding all but the best songs they could come up with. And Eris was happy. 16. Eris was happy, that is, for the first month or so. Soon, She began to get angry. She came to the Prince when he was at work and told him it was time for a cigarette break. Rolling his eyes and smirking his lips, he went outside with her. 17. “I know what you’re up to, Prince, and it’s not nice to fool Mother Nature.” 18. “You’re Mother Chaos, not Mother Nature!” the Prince said. 19. “I am so Mother Nature. This week, anyway. She went on vacation and asked me to fill in for her, you know, the flowers still have to bloom and everything, but she needed a break so

bad. She’s the kind of immortal who all work, work, work, never having any fun at all and so I set her up with…” 20. “Alright, I get the picture. That’s why all the trees have polka dots. It’s not a disease after all. Anyway, what are you talking about ‘fooling’? I’m doing everything you asked.” 21. “The band is intentionally getting better, and I don’t like it. Suck again. The music hurts my ears and my pineal gland now!” 22. “That’s what happens when you practice – you get better. The beats come naturally to us now and we can’t help but play well.” 23. “Damn you, Mu-Chao, you’ll pay for this!” Eris screamed and gave the Prince a black eye and bloody nose before leaving in a huff. 24. The 23 Apples happily stopped playing their music and Eris did not bitch at all. 25. Do you believe that? Part III Confusion 1. And then there was this time Prince Mu-Chao fell down the rabbit hole through a mirror and met the Rabid Postman and the April Robot. 2. “How now, brown Chao?” asked the April Robot with an air of dignity that was not unlike a springtime dew of honeysuckle and primrose parts of the whole shebang and more. 3. “Dude, what the fuck?” Prince Mu-Chao mumbled in an absurd attempt to communicate with the April Robot, when he knew full well that Prometheus was bumming a ride to Vegas at the exact same time as the Robot bled crude on his jacket, and so a red fly wouldn’t have a chance at poetry. 4. The Rabid Postman introduced himself as Gomer and said he was pleased to meet such a non-entity in person and could he not have Mu-Chao’s autograph on a line of coke he snorted up through his asshole? 5. This was too much for Mu-Chao and so he wandered off and found a grove of ‘shrooms that said Bite Me on them. He sat down and studied one for a couple of hours.

6. Knocked out of his daze by the smell of some good ol’ Kallisti Gold, the Prince looked around, and saw a multi-colored caterpillar sitting back on one of the ‘shrooms behind him. “Lo,” the Prince said. “I’ve never tripped this hard before.” 7. The caterpillar replied, “You are definitely 100% out of your gourd, but you have not seen the I’s yet. Who Are You?” 8. “Don’t start that bullshit man, we have to be, like, original and creative. Don’t repeat yourself. You said all that shit to Alice, and we know about it already. This is a new Trip. Hey, waitaminute, I thought you were a butterfly now?” 9. “Don’t fuck with me, man. My time is not your time. And I’ll say whatever I want. Who Are You Today?” 10. “The same person I was yesterday, but more-so, and with a side of vinegar and rice,” Prince Mu-Chao said, grabbing a chunk of ‘shroom and munching on it. 11. A few minutes later, after stomping on the uncooperative caterpillar, the Prince ran across a pair of twins throwing a screaming hard-boiled egg back and forth. “Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here,” Prince Mu-Chao said and just walked right on by. 12. On the horizon he saw a towering Emerald City and this bothered him more than anything had to this point. “Someone’s mixing up their stories,” the Prince said aloud. “This is very sloppily done.” The poppies agreed loudly and emphatically. 13. Some time later, the Prince reached the Emerald City and the guard, with a real oedipal complexion, accosted him at the gate. “What is your business with the Wizard?” 14. Prince Mu-Chao explained to the guard that he had come to ask the wizard a very important, but personal question. Alas, the guard would not let him through until the Prince shared what was left of his ‘shroom. 15. Walking inside, Prince Mu-Chao seemed to go through another paradigm shift, though, because multi-colored horses merged with playing cards into a jumble out of which a dark castle emerge. 16. “I’m sooooo depressed,” the Prince heard from around a corner. When he went to investigate he saw that it was, indeed, the Prince of Denmark who, like the guard, had a bit of an Oedipal Complexion.

17. “That wasn’t one of your lines,” the Prince said to the Prince, “I know all your lines and that is not one of them. That’s Marvin.” 18. “Fuck you, pal,” Hamlet said to the Prince. 19. “Well now, that definitely wasn’t one of them. Boy, Shakespeare really did you a favor, turning you into a poet. Who’d have known you were just a shit-stained, uncouth little twerp?” 20. For Hamlet was little, a mere 5’2” , and as the Prince watched, the other Prince began morphing into something else. An eye. 21. “Okay, I’ve had about enough of this BULLSHIT!” the Prince screamed. Everybody in the restaurant looked over at him. He seemed to be in Dennys, and looking at the clock on the wall, it was 3am eternal. 22. The Happy Fun Ball and MarshMellow Fluff told him to shut the fuck up, what did he want, for them all to get arrested with ‘shrooms still bulging in their pockets? 23. Prince Mu-Chao replied with first a smile, then a burp, then a twinkle in his eye, then a raised eyebrow, then a knowing look, and finally with the contents of his stomach. 24. Over the next few years, Prince Mu-Chao would flashback to that night, the Night of the Goddess, smile, and retch prolifically. 25. You’d better believe that (or at least stand back for a few hours). Part IV Bureaucracy 1. One night, Prince Mu-Chao found that he couldn’t sleep and so called several mythological friends of the Trickster persuasion he had made since first coming into the clutches of the dangerous Goddess Eris. 2. And so Coyote, Raven, Loki, Mercury, Legba, Wakdjunkaga, Krishna, Eshu, Thlokunyana, Hermes, Aflakete, Prometheus, and of course, Prince Mu-Chao, met in the woods by his house and formulated a plan to trick Eris into giving the ordinary cabbage a modicum of Common Sense.

3. You see, Eris had been hoarding the Common Sense and normal, everyday cabbages had absolutely none. The Goddess said she needed the cee and the esses from Common Sense to bake a cheesecake. 4. But Prince Mu-Chao was not interested in the Goddess’ pie; no, he was more interested in not having to deal with witless cabbages for the rest of his days on Terra Foola. 5. Nor could Coyote, or any of the Trickster persuasion, deal with the Everyday Cabbage any longer. And so, as was formerly said before this, they formulated a plan to trick Eris into giving the ordinary cabbage a modicum of Common Sense. 6. The plan went thusly: Prince Mu-Chao was to distract the Goddess with Stupid Questions while Prince Mu-Chao snuck past her and jimmied the lock on her Chaos Safe[sup]TM[/sup]. Then, Prince Mu-Chao would enter the Chaos Safe[sup]TM[/sup] and Prince Mu-Chao would solve the Five Impossible Riddles Of Death[sup]TM[/sup] while Prince Mu-Chao disarmed the bomb and Prince Mu-Chao stood guard. Finally, Prince Mu-Chao would actually take the Common Sense (as well as anything else that may interest the others). Prince Mu-Chao was to drive the getaway car. 7. Needless to say, it was not Prince Mu-Chao that came up with this plan. 8. “What do you think I am, your Bitch?” Prince Mu-Chao asked Raven heatedly. “You guys are all older than me, but more people believe I exist than some of you. In fact, I don’t think I ever heard of you,” he said, looking at Wakdjunkaga. “You sound like a character I would make up.” 9. Wakdjunkaga insisted he was real and was the patron saint of Winnebagos. 10. “I don’t care if you’re the god of Semis, I ain’t doing this. Find Br’er Rabbit. He’ll do anything.” 11. Eris was watching this heated discussion and smiled to herself. She knew that Common Sense would not help the cabbages any, for they had no brains to put the Common Sense into, as anyone WITH Common Sense could see. 12. Long ago, she had tried placing Common Sense into a cabbage and it was just wasted as it soon trickled down the cabbage’s inner thigh and puddled at its feet. 13. And so, fearing nothing but a lack of amusement, she threw a plan into mighty Raven’s brainstem.

14. “I KNOW!” Raven exclaimed. “We can tell her that WE’LL make her the Common Sense cheesecake as a sacrifice to her as Supreme Whatchamacallit Of The Known Universe And Everything Beyond, Up To And Including Delaware!” Raven was very excited that he had what he thought was an original idea, and almost wet himself. 15. “It will never work,” Prince Mu-Chao said morosely. 16. The next morning, Legba and Prometheus went to inform the Goddess that the Tricksters would like to bake Her a cheesecake. They came back with a Gallon and a half of Common Sense, and there was much rejoicing. 17. Now, though, they realized they had a problem. How were they to insert the Common Sense into the cabbages? 18. Loki was the first to try to insert Common Sense into a cabbage. He tricked the cabbage into drinking some Common Sense, but all the cabbage did was piss itself until all the Common Sense had run down its leg and puddled at its feet. 19. Krishna walked up to cabbages and stuck vials of Common Scents under their noses so the Cabbages would smell the Common Scents, but it turned out that the wordplay involved was too much for Cabbages and their heads exploded, the Common Scents running down their legs to a rapidly-growing puddle beneath the limp bodies. 20. Coyote hunted him down a female cabbage and ejaculated Cummin’ Sense into her. It apparently did not take, for she screamed “Oh God! Oh God!” both before and after the serum was introduced. Even Coyote knew there were no such thing as Gods. 21. And yay, it came to pass that each of the Tricksters had tried their own way of getting the Common Sense into a cabbage and each had failed miserably at the task. 22. Finally Eris took pity upon them (actually, she just got bored watching them) and came down to Terra Foola asking for her cheesecake. 23. “Aha, we tricked you, Goddess!” Coyote began. When he realized that they had not succeeded in their trickery, he sat down quickly. 24. Picking up on his lead, Prince Mu-Chao faked it. “Yes, we tricked you and gave the Common Sense to all…” Prince Mu-Chao gave up as a car drove by with a faded “These Colors Don’t Fade!” bumper sticker. 25. Well. Do you believe THAT?

Part V Aftermath 1. And so the Prince was almost finished penning the Holy Book that the Goddess had instructed him to write and he put it down with only one chapter to go. As soon as he did, the Goddess appeared. 2. “You know,” said Prince Mu-Chao, “A lot of people would give their pineal gland to actually see and talk to you. Why don’t you go bug them?” 3. “You don’t really think you’re done, do you? That’s a wimpy little Holy Book, isn’t it? About 15 pages if you double space?” 4. “Numerically, it’s the only option. I have five sets of five. How can I ruin that? It’s too perfect. No, this is going to be your damned holy book, whether you like it or not!” 5. At this point, Mu-Chao was turned into a cabbage, which Our Lady Eris picked up and brought into the kitchen. 6. Our Lady removed a pan from the Pan Tree and filled it with water, threw it on the stove and began boiling. “Oh, is that how it is, Mu-Chao. I’ll take it and like it, will I?” 7. “Okay, okay, I’ll write more!” the cabbage yelled (which was a pretty weird sight. After all, how many cabbages have you seen actually talk besides all the ones you see every day?). 8. She restored Prince Mu-Chao to his former not-so-glory and informed the Prince that the Tome must be as heavy as the bible, maybe bigger. 9. “What??!” Prince Mu-Chao said. “I thought you wanted to name this Liber 3167, not Liber 3251! The bible took about 1000 years to write and that had, like 50 authors!” 10. “Alright, alright. But you need to at least pentuple its length. I mean, what you’ve written is okay, but it’s nothing great, you know. 11. And so Prince Mu-Chao experimented and played and ripped up and threw away and he was verily sore at the goddess for screwing up his work. 12. “Who the fuck does She think She is?” we heard him mutter one morning as we were watching television and he was hard at work on his computer. “Does she think I’m her fucking writing appendage?”

13. And lo, the Prince was inspired by his own words and began thinking of attaching appendages throughout the document, and yea, this excited him in a way that was not purely non-sexual but virtually G-Rated. 14. “Of Appendages we shall have twenty-three,” the Prince wrote. 15. “A Table of Malcontents to begin with, of course. But of what else is there upon which I can write with the fluidity and supra-wisdom for which I am known?” 16. And so Happy Fun Ball and Rev. Y? and MajorDomo and Hamman Cheez and all the other Apples in the immediate vicinity of the Prince paused Monty Python’s Search for the Holy Grail and rattled off Ideas. 17. Happy Fun Ball screamed, “Cook-Note Fiberglass!” MajorDomo yelled, “Mondos and Mindfucks!” Rev. Y? whispered, “A bunch of things we’ve already done!” “And Something!” yelled Joe. 18. And so, their work done, they went back to watching the movie while Mu-Chao waxed sorely pissed and turned back to the computer. 19. Prince Mu-Chao did write and he wrote and he had written and he wroted. 20. Finally, he was finished. He looked upon his work and it sucked. 21. “This Sucks,” Eris said after she had read it all. “I mean, this is good. And this is okay. This huge pile over here just sucks.” 22. “Well, what do you want me to do, Eris? I’m tired and haven’t slept for days.” 23. Eris said, “Why did you bother making it bigger than it was? It was perfect with just five parts with five groupings of five items. You should have just stopped there. You could probably salvage some of this stuff too,” she said disinterestedly and promptly vanished. 24. Prince Mu-Chao got drunk that night and weeped as the 23 Apples of Eris looked on in amusement. 25. Believe it or not.

The Wholey Book of Clichés and Cabbages – A Discordian RPG based on the RISUS System Posted by Professor Mu-Chao on 26 November 2009, 5:28 pm

Introduction | (You call these) Rules | Clichés | Adventures Appendectomies: Reference Material | Summary of Risus | Optional Rules | Magix Twix | Thanks Version 1.1

INTRODUCTION Discordia is a loose disorganization of Eris Freaks. A better definition is impossible. If you are unfamiliar with Discordia, please read The Principia Discordia before attempting to embark upon these misadventures. Other possible sources for information regarding Discordianism itself are listed in Appendectomy A at the bottom of this file. If, on the other hand, you are reading this because you are a Discordian and are unfamiliar with RISUS, please visit the RISUS Website at Cumberland Games: http://www222.pair.com/sjohn/risus.htm or read Appendectomy B: Our Summary of Risus before continuing. YOU CALL THESE RULES? All rules in this supplement (and in reality, for that matter) are subject to change by any Meta-Technician.

All rules remain as outlined in RISUS, with the following changes: All known “Optional Rules” for Risus are fully available BUT keep in mind that RISUS is a very simplified system for a reason – to cut out all of the tracking and rolling that inhibits roll-playing. On one level this is good – it frees the characters and GM to do what they want and not have to keep track of things and roll dice every time something comes up. On the other hand, Discordians sometimes find enjoyment in complexity. Pick and choose the optional rules that work for your group (or mood). It is not out of the question for some people in the group to play with optional rules in effect while others do not. All known rules ever introduced to the game by Meta-Technicians are still in effect. Players should attempt to choose clichés that they will be able to roleplay. For example, if you are unfamiliar with Conspiracy Theories, you should not choose “Paranoid” as a cliché, or it you do, research it a bit in real life. Every player automatically gets the cliché “Pope” (since every man, woman and child is a Pope). A Pope’s chief weapon is surprise… Surprise and fear… fear and surprise… Their two weapons are fear and surprise… and ruthless efficiency… Their three weapons are fear, and surprise, and ruthless efficiency… and an almost fanatical devotion to Eris… Their four… no… Amongst their weapons… Hmf… Amongst their weaponry… are such elements as fear, surprise… and nice red uniforms. Well, you get the general idea. Optional Rules specific to this Discordian in Appendectomy C: Optional Rules.

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SOME DISCORDIAN CLICHéS Absurdist Sometimes referred to as a “Rutebega Discordian”, this cliché applies to such abilities as Absurdity, Random Output, ChaoSpeak, Confusion and Being Irritating. Tools of the Absurdist can include Computer With USENET Access, MondoCreation and -Implementation, A Pocket Dictionary, Jellybeans, and “FNORD!” Tshirts. Examples of Absurdist Discordians are widely available at Alt.Discordia.

Anarchist Anarchy is deeply ingrained within Discordia, and most Discordians are somewhat anarchic automatically. This cliché refers to those who are pipe-bomb making, Molotov-cocktail throwing, anarchist cookbook-writing wackos. Think of them as MacGyvers on Crack (or Tyler Durden, I guess). Very often, Discordian Anarchists are the only Discordians that bother to be politically active and actually show up for protests (and get beaten and arrested). They are usually pretty resilient in a fight. Tools of the Anarchist include: a bunch of little things that, when assembled correctly, cause destruction and chaos (or make soap). Tyler Durden, Brad Pitt’s character in Fight Club, is the best example of an Anarchist Discordian. Chaos Majix-er A Discordian Chaos Majix-er is the same as a typical, every day Chaos Mage, but with an even higher developed sense of humor and preposterousness. Some examples of Majix Twix are included in this document as Appendectomy D: Magix Twix. Tools of the trade to be determined by need. Example: Imagine Peter Carrol or Austin Osman Spare performing the Turkey Curse. Chaosopher A Chaosopher is a Discordian philosopher. They should be versed in semantics, religious philosophy, science, and general philosophy. They probably also have a better-than-average understanding of mathematical principles. The Chaosopher’s only tools are internal, aside from the probability of a huge home library. Examples of Chaosophers may be found among most of the more intelligent members of Discordia. Chauthor Chauthors (pronounced Kay-ow-thers) are skilled Discordian propaganda writers. They are especially apt at vaguely disturbing scrawls and shaggy-dog stories, but in a pinch they can write other things such as fake news, inflammatory articles and Jake letters. The tools of a Chauthor are primarily internal and the only thing they are likely to have on them that other clichés do not provide is a pen and a notebook. Examples of Chauthors include Robert Anton Wilson and R.U. Sirius.

Game Master A Discordian Game Master is a Discordian who is extremely knowledgeable and proficient at Discordian Games. Although there is no single complete list of known Discordian Games and their attributes, many may be found here on 23AE. A Game Master would be able to beat a non-Game Master at a game of Sink, hands down. He could probably even sink Cthulu. The great thing about this cliché is that many Discordians think LIFE ITSELF IS A GAME. Do with it what you will. The tools of a Discordian Game Master vary widely. Hacker A Discordian Hacker has the abilities of the pulp hacker, but utililizes them much differently. Instead of putting up a hack page, for example, a Discordian Hacker would change little bits of information or plant things that would lay undetected for a long time. They are much like a Discordian Mindfucker, and may in fact BE a Mindfucker as well, but their preferred method involves hacking/phreaking to mindfuck. Tools of the Discordian Hacker can include a laptop, servers, lots of IP addresses, usernames, passwords… Example: Adrian Lamo (http://www.securityfocus.com/news/254) Idealistic Acolyte This person is a perpetual student who doesn’t actually know anything, but has a wealth of esoteric/trivial knowledge about completely unrelated and sometimes surprising things, and a canny ability to relate unrelated things (but not believe a word of it, even if they made the relation themselves). They are in between majors, in between religions, and in between political parties. They are out of place but strive for self actualization because it sounded good in psych class. They want to improve everything but are completely dumbfounded due to the wide variety of mediocre choices. Abilities can include the knowledge mentioned above and multiple connections in underground scenes (ravers, dealers, weirdos, hackers/phreakers, and such). The key to this cliché would be that this person would be smart, knowledgeable and crafty, able to come up with data and plans as needed, but would have no faith that the data was correct or that the plans had a chance in hell of working. Their tools would probably include an address book and cell phone.

Mad Tinkerist A Discordian Mad Tinkerist enjoys taking things apart and sometimes even putting them back together (likely in a bizarre fashion, though). Many Mad Tinkerists design and build machines which serve questionable purposes. The machines may turn out to help in some sort of way, but don’t count on it… they are just as likely to blow up (or feed the cat… who knows?). This cliché is run a bit differently than the others. For disassembly and reassembly of any complex item, roll as you normally would against a cliché. For inventions, however, a higher cliché number merely means that the invention is that much more complexly assembled than those of a lower cliché number – it speaks nothing to the success of the invention (at least not in the way it was meant to succeed). The tools of the Mad Tinkerist include everything they can get their hands on, because they KNOW it will come in useful SOMEDAY. Examples: Rube Goldberg, Red Green, Wile E. Coyote. Mindfucker All Discordians have a degree of ability in mindfucking, but Mindfuckers are the elite Discordians that drive Operation Mindfuck. Mindfuckers are likely to be slick and smooth – perfect shoplifters, they instead (or additionally) use their abilities to tweak normality in such a way as to cause astonishment and hopefully enlightenment of the cabbages. The tools of a Mindfucker vary depending upon their favorite mindfucks, but most will have weird stickers, markers, small disguise kits, and/or fake ID on them. Examples of Discordian Mindfuckers are Hagbard Celine and Markoff Chaney in the Illuminatus! Trilogy, and the Billboard Liberation Front. Meta-Technician Meta-Technicians are aware that they are merely fictional characters in a roleplaying game created for the mere entertainment of “the Gods”. With successful rolls, they are able to change the rules of the game, or even the reality they are faced with within the game. Meta-Techician points cost double what other points cost. If an odd number of points is applied to the Meta-Technician cliché, record as .5 and round up for purposes of dice rolling. There are no tools associated with a Meta-Technician. Examples of Meta-Technicians include anyone who realizes

that they are part of a role-playing game that Eris is playing with Eric, Coyote and Loki. Paranoid Paranoid Discordians are the masters of Occult Knowledge and Conspiracy Theory. They usually twitch a bit and sometimes dress like history professors. Their talent lies in making connections between unrelated bits of data. They will quickly sniff out a conspiracy, even (especially) if there isn’t one there. Tools of the trade include charting software and lots and lots of meaningless scraps of information on post-it notes. An example of a Paranoid Discordian would be a cross between Mulder of X-Files and Robert Anton Wilson. Pope (Free!) Every person in the world has the cliché of Pope(1). All players (i.e. Discordians) get the free cliché of Pope(2) due to the fact that they KNOW they have the cliché, while most others do not. After the initial free points, the rest of the Pope points must be purchased as other clichés are. The points represent the degree of understanding one has of what the title of Pope MEANS and what it enables one to do. These details of what the Pope cliché is good for will not be revealed here. Consult your pineal gland for usage. Sex Kitten/Hunk/Slut A Discordian Sex Kitten/Hunk/Slut (pick the name that best suits) is a sex maniac. The character with this cliché can be either male or female; straight, gay or bi (most likely bi, if for no other reason than to increase their options). Not any old sex manic, the Discordian Sex Kitten/Hunk/Slut has a certain enthusiasm and naturalness to their obsession. They enjoy sexual situations and bare bodies and just can’t understand why other people have hang-ups about these things. Their main abilities are seduction and loss of self to hedonism. Fetishes are optional. Their tools include the obvious paraphernalia, leather and studs optional. Examples include most Discordians (at least in their minds). SubGenius

Discordian SubGenii are usually not as intelligent as other Discordians and tend to be a bit more propheteering than others. Their major ability is the unceasing rant and the abilities that go along with it – such as salesmanship and televangelism. When multiple Subgenii congregate, they tend to take off their clothes, even if they are in public. They will always have a pipe with them. Examples of SubGenius’ are much too easy to come by (try alt.slack). Trickster A Trickster is much like a Mindfucker, but the Trickster performs their feats of Trickiness for absolutely no reason but their own joy and happiness. This extends the Trickster’s realm from mindfucking in order to illuminate, to screwing with people for any reason – or no reason at all. It opens more doors of possibility for situations in which the cliché will be useful, but is in general a more base and animalistic specialty. Also, the Trickster is usually a bit sloppy and doesn’t have the finesse a Mindfucker does. The Trickster “Jakes”, while the Mindfucker “Mindfucks”. Tricksters cannot restrain themselves and will “attack” other Discordians just as likely as Cabbage. Examples of Discordian Tricksters: Ol’ Man Coyote, Jakers, or “Trickster” in the movie Brainscan. Other Clichés Of course, as in any RISUS game, you may make up whatever clichés you like for your characters. If you develop an original Discordian Cliché or think of any important facets of these clichés that I left out, please let me know and I will include it with these. Before sending, please be sure that it is not covered by one of the others. POSSIBLE ADVENTURES RPGs Destroy The Mind This is the best way to play Discordia – incorporate real life into the role-playing game and vice versa. If this path is to be taken, characters should be modeled closely after the person playing the character. Some elements, especially those difficult to duplicate in apparently-real life, should be roleplayed. Other elements, such as Jakes, Mindfucks, research, clue-hunting, puzzling out puzzles, writings,

flyers, etc should be done in real life. The possibilities for this type of game are endless and can begin to warp the player’s minds if the GM is witty enough. “Clues” could be made to be a major part of the campaign – and if you can sneak clues into a player’s workplace or home, true paranoia will begin to set in and they will look for clues EVERYWHERE. The possibilities of this type of game are endless and infinitely amusing. This idea was originally put forth in the famous Discordian Game LARP Solitaire. Discordia in the Multiverse The Multiverse is open to your enjoyment. Think of the riotous laughs and general good times your characters could have with such superstars as Coyote, Loki, Shiva, Kali, Eric, even Eris Herself and all those other Wacky Gods you can think of (or make up) as they battle Aneris, party at Castle Chaos, and generally screw up the Multiverse. For more information on the Multiverse and a description of Castle Chaos, check out CastleChaos.com or the Babylon Project, but don’t let that restrict you. Make up your own! Discordia vs. The Government Five years in the future, Discordia is underground. Due to an innocent, misleading clue found at a Major Crime Scene, The Authorities have declared Discordia to be a Dangerous Cult. Everyone is now aware of Discordia and this is NOT A GOOD THING! All Discordian cabals that still exist are underground and several discordians are on the run. A special government department has been created called the Agency of Cult Awareness. When the ACA began, it was chiefly responsible for cataloging cults and escalating information about those it deemed dangerous to the Agency responsible for “keeping them in line”, but they acquired a strong leader and their powers slowly grew… Discordia vs. The Illuminati The Discordians fight The Conspiracy in all of its forms. I would suggest the GM read the Illuminatus Trilogy by Robert Shea and Robert Anton Wilson for ideas about how to approach a campaign like this. Wandering Around Screwing Things Up

Another recommendation is for the GM to have a starting point in mind and just let the players wander around and show off their wit, changing signs, passing out flyers, putting acid in evian bottles… and generally screwing around. The GM will have to stay on top of the situation, of course, and be able to move along the story when things begin to sag with a new NPC or opportunity. No Boundaries There is absolutely no reason why all of these (as well as many of your own) cannot be incorporated into the same game… APPENDECTOMY A. Reference Material: 00001. RISUS RISUS: http://www222.pair.com/sjohn/risus.htm Illuminati RISUS: http://www.angelfire.com/rpg/flamingskies/RIlluminati.html

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00002. Discordia The Principia Discordia Hundreds of Discordian Webpages: www.23ae.com/links.asp The Illuminatus Trilogy by Robert Shea and Robert Anton Wilson Your Pineal Gland APPENDECTOMY B. Summary of Risus This summary merely summarizes, as many summaries do. You will not be able to play the game until you read the rulebook located athttp://www222.pair.com/sjohn/risus.htm (free!). This was included merely so you would have some inkling about what the hell we are talking about in this Book before reading the RISUS Rules.

The key to RISUS is its scalability. It can be used for a campaign or a night of goofiness with virtually no preparation – the characters take about a minute to create. Instead of having abilities (like Speed or Intelligence) you choose “clichés”. You have, say, 10 points to apply to as many clichés as you want. You might put four points toward one (so you are really good at that), two points toward another, and one point toward four others. You can have up to six dice per cliché, more if you are god-classed. Each point represents one 6-sided die. Therefore, if you have 3 points in one specific cliché, whenever you try to use that cliché in the game and the GM requires it, you roll three dice to try to accomplish the task. Target numbers follow this scale:  o o o o o

5: A cinch. A snap. A challenge for a Schmuck. Routine for a pro. 10: A challenge for a Professional. 15: An Heroic challenge. For really inventive or tricky stunts. 20: A challenge for a Master. Nearly superhuman difficulty. 30: You’ve GOT to be Kidding. Actual superhuman difficulty.

If you are competing against someone, they roll the number of dice THEY have in the appropriate cliché. Highest number wins. Very simple. The thing is, you don’t HAVE to roll for everything. Just what the GM determines your character might fail at. You can have a whole night of interactive story without rolling a thing. Characters are assumed to have the proper tools for their cliché. If you’re a hacker, you have a computer. If you’re a Harley Dude, you have a Harley (probably a leather jacket and a baseball bat as well). The rules stress that conflicts can be verbal or conceptual – not necessarily physical. If you are playing chess, for example, you would role against the other player in the appropriate cliché (say you have Gaming and they have Military General – both are applicable). You may use inappropriate clichés, such as using Hairdresser to play chess, provided the role-playing is entertaining and realistic. If you use the Hairdresser cliché to, for example, somehow choke your opponent with that damn perm-smell and give them a headache so they can’t concentrate, the GM may permit that. If you have no clichés that are pertinent but it is something

that anyone can do, such as a fistfight, everyone gets two dice (including the people who have applicable clichés – Boxing(2) would go to Boxing(4), for example). Ongoing players may advance in their clichés. At the end of each session, you roll the number of dice you have in any clichés that were used significantly. If all dice are even you get a point to apply to THAT cliché. Also, if you do something especially entertaining during play, the GM may give you a free roll using the same rules outlined above at that point. Many other rules such as many sided dice exist and may be found on the RISUS website, but this should give you a general idea of what the game is like. APPENDECTOMY C. Discordian Optional Rules 00001. Preyer On Eris When using this option, the player may at any time refuse to roll the dice and instead prey on Eris for guidance. This is chancy, to say the least. One person was turned into a slice of toast after doing just such a thing. On the other hand, True Chaos may be one’s only chance when up against a superior foe. 00002. The Turkey Curse At any point during a confrontation instead of rolling against a specific cliché, a Discordian may elect to use his turn to cast the Turkey Curse on an opponent. The player must act out the Turkey Curse in full, with their bare face hanging out. The results of the curse depend entirely on the opponent in question and the degree of expertise achieved by the player in the curse itself. The GM should determine results accordingly. APPENDECTOMY D. Examples ov Majix Twix What follows are some suggestions for Discordian Majix Twix. Players should be encouraged to develop their own Twix. As with the clichés, any Twix sent to us will be included in this section.

00001. The Ritual Discordian Mass of St. Joey Gabba gabba, we accept you We accept you – one of us! Gabba gabba, we accept you We accept you – one of us! Gabba gabba – HEY! Gabba gabba – HEY! Gabba gabba – HEY! Gabba gabba – HEY! [Then everyone down some thorazine.] by Rev. Dr. Hexar le Saipe 00002. Thee Rite of Pigpen Prepare your Area Thusly: Your Banishing Ritual should include carving all the soap in your house to look like various peanuts characters. Discard all soap pieces that have been carved off of figurines. Buy no new soap. The Rite itself must be subconsciously performed over a period of two weeks. It consists of reminding yourself throughout the day that he is in reality no more powerful than your 5th grade teacher was – it just appears to you that he is from your position. At the end of the two weeks, arrange to meet this person. When he appears, make sure to spend much time as close to him as possible. This Rite has a difficulty rating of 2. Repeat if necessary.

00003. A Discordian Blessing Make the sign of the apple and murmer, “Dominus Odorous Orundus, Motherfucker.” 00004. The Rant of the Hot Dog IO ERIS! IO DISCHORD! FFFFFRY! EVERT SINAH GAMUS NKEYA EEAPP! SILAN TIMOH ARIEA EYIHA POOOP! FFFFFRY! IO ERIS! IO CHAOS! FFFFFRY! IO DISCHORD! IO ERIS! AN EXPLAINATION The Rant of the Hot Dog becomes, in essence, a round pinkish square that contains the truth. When consumed, the truth resides outside of you. Activating the truth while at a 90 degree angle to it is much more tricky, and is too complicated to go into here. See the original Principia Discordia (page 00122) for further enlightenment 00005. The Discordian Mouse-Banishing Ritual Chant “Eris, Goddess of Chaos, She what done it all, … oh, nevermind, I’ll do it myself.” Burn a black candle, for a banishing, and/or a brown candle, for the rodents you intend to banish. Or do the ritual during daylight, that works too. Chant “Rodents of my garage, I dig this hole to trap you, thank Goddess (and/or God – be specific if desired) that you cannot understand English. At least I hope

you damned rodents can’t understand English, and aren’t bright enough to figure this out. But if you do, go along with it, or else I will have to get real mouse traps.” Dig a hole next to the entrance to the garage the rodents are believed to use. Put a bucket in it, so that the top is even with the ground. Cover the bucket with twigs and leaves, or even better, a piece of paper with rocks holding it down so it won’t blow away, but leave it loose enough it will collapse into the bucket if a rodent is on it. Chant “Damned rodents, those which chew into my birdseed bags, those which infest my firewood, smell this peanut butter, fall into this bucket, so that soon, soon, I will be rid of ye.” Place peanut butter on paper or leaves. Chant “O mighty Bucket of some hole in the ground, preferably with peanut butter, capture my rodents, but make sure they are rodents, in other words, don’t catch me a SKUNK.” Hide the birdseed so the rodents don’t eat it instead. Remove the candles and leave. Wait overnight. Check for rodents periodically. When a rodent is captured, lift the bucket out by the handle. Walk a mile or more away, preferably into woods and not somebody else’s yard, and empty the bucket. While walking, chant “Damned mice, o ye that eats my birdseed, chews my garbage, infests my firewood, be gone from whence ye came, or at the very least stay out of my garage.” When emptying the bucket, don’t drop the mouse on your foot. Go back home, and repeat as necessary. - by the one false haddock Twix Conclusion As you can see, some of these Twix do not inform the reader of the result of the casting. This is to be embraced as Nearly Erisian and emulated to the fullest extent in Discordian Mages. APPENDECTOMY E. Thanks! Thanks to S. John Ross, for the creation and free dissemination of Risus.

Thanks to Sunny, Bishop Squarepeg Roundhole, Gypsy, Hexar, Helga, and everyone else at ye olde Yahoo: Discordia who participated in the discussion refining the Clichés incorporated into this “fine” product. The Discordian Slut(k) was play-tested by Sunny and hundreds of innocent, unsuspecting young women. Thanks also to Hexar for permission for use of the Ritual Discordian Mass Of St. Joey and to the one false haddock for writing the Discordian Mouse-Banishing Ritual, which we stole without permission. Thanks also to David Masad, creator of Illuminati Risus, for pointing out that I was missing a cliché for GAMES. (k) All Rights Reversed (except for RISUS and signed info (some of the Twix), Which Isn’t Ours). Reprint What You Like.

Discordian Society Manifesto #00003 Posted by Professor Mu-Chao on 26 November 2009, 5:34 pm We don’t endorse, believe in, or even remotely agree with the insipid resolutions of any government, government branch, organization, or secret society that imposes their aneristic illusions upon the rest of civilization. We will not stand by and allow Oreos to be eaten whole. We will not stand on our heads and allow these jackals to repeatedly apply their warped sense of logic and righteousness to the rest of society. And we will not create useless Manifestos without the powerful ontological might to back them up. We will use the considerable psychological talents in our employ to destroy, assimilate, or otherwise dissemble or disable the aneristic leaders and their lemming-like followers, just as soon as tea time is done and the check is in the mail. Our psychological and ontological talents and methods far-surpass anything our aforementioned enemy has in their arse anal. Our methods and tools include but are not limited to Abnormail (and Jake Day), Operation: Mindfuck, Nortonian Emulata, the Pineal Gland, Frank Zappa, and five others that general readers of this manifesto are probably not cleared to hear about. To illustrate the fact that we fear not the Greyface Aneristics that we demonstrate, remonstrate, and castrate against, we will describe each of the less classified methods mentioned above. You may consider them threats, if you like, or Pez, if that’s more your flavor. Abnormail is the unofficial communiqué between Cabals that Discordians employ. Through it, ideas, ideals, schemes, schemas, fnords, fnordites, designs, developments, mindfucks, meanderings, dirty jokes, magistrates, root beer, cannabis tips, chain letters, homicide evidence, frumps, forms, documents, busyness cards, and other DisOrganizational MemoRios are disseminated, reseminated and inseminated into and throughout the Discordian Mindfield. With the advent and increased popularity of the Internet, the once non-existent eAbnormal has reinserted a never-before seen dimension into Discordian communiqué. With absurd ease, any half-rate goon who calls herhimitself a Discordian can go online and espouse herhisits views and claim to be “a Discordian”, or, for that matter, a “Discordien”. This can only further our cause. Abnormail (and, by natural progression and selection, eAbnormail) has plenty of uses besides sharing information, though. One of these is “Jake Day”. One (or five, for that matter) declares a Jake Day upon any induhvidual who decides, in their infinite wisdumb, to say or do something that any Discordian Pope decides he doesn’t like (if a Discordian Mome decides She hears something She doesn’t like, well, Eris help you). At this point, the Pope will contact all the other Popes Who Know They’re Popes and Probably All the Momes Who Know They’re Momes, Too, and they (or most of they) will proceed to Jake the Fuck out of the poor induhvidual who said or did the Jakeable Offense.

A Jake is performed as follows: Once all the Popes, Momes, Non-Prophets, Freaks, Drug Fiends, and Reverends who are in on the Jake agree on a day, they bombard the Jake-ee with multitudes of flyers, pamphlets, letters, stickers or some creative thingies that I can’t think of right now. All these must (or should or don’t have to) in some or any way chastise, approve of in an over-the-top way, or go off on some tangent about Leprechauns or some such thing. Above all, Leprechauns or Knot, each Jake must or should or doesn’t have to have some enlightening effect on the induhvidual being Jaked. To date, we have held 23 and one-half DisOrganization Almost-But-Not-Quite-Wide Jakes, and only three of the victims took their own lives (this is 6 better than our closest alternate reality where -3 people took their lives). Five others became recluses, one went on a killing spree, and the remaining induhviduals were recruited as Liddell Deluded Dupes into the Randy Caboose Cabal of Minnesota and Massachusetts Proper. Operation: Mindfuck is another of our methods to attempt to enlighten the general public hairs into the knowledge, benefits, and obsessions associated with prolonged and aggravated Pineal Gland Whoreship and the General All-Around Glory of Basking in Eris’ Glow. Several examples of mindfucks follow: The 23 Apples of Eris mailed out handfuls of those beepy things that prevent rightful theft from stores. We found a whole box full of them near a Dumpster behind Best Buy, and we mailed them to just about every shop in the mall. Ensued two entire days of mind-blowing chaos. You’d figure after the first few went off, they’d hold the mail UP OVER the beepy thing controller. That’s what we’d do, isn’t that what you’d do? They didn’t. Our favorite part was sitting in the mall yelling “MAIL CALL!” whenever a buzzer went off. We had a Grand Ol’ Time with our Slushies and actually danced a maddening jig in front of Spencers. One Easter, the Sacred Chao Ranch Cabal hid plastic Easter eggs all over the mall, supermarkets, museums, churches, etc. that had enlightening fortunes trapped inside. The fortunes were along the lines of “This is an unfertilized egg”, “The PA lottery number for 5-23-97 will be 17-32-5″, “You picked the 10 of Clubs”, “25 cents off of LUCKY CHARMS”, and “You are pregnant (replace egg if you are a man)”. The 23rd Street Cabal created an official-looking Ticket to the End of the World that proclaimed that the “Date and Time will not be announced” and that there were to be “No Refunds”, then proceeded to insert them into every Reader’s Digest and TV Guide they could find. Hopefully it was a nice wholesome supplement to that hilarious “Humor in Uniform”. Hyperdiscordia chronicles their efforts at fnording (writing the word “Fnord” inside) the pyramid on the backs of all the one dollar bills that pass through their hands and encourage other Discordians to do the same. I’m not quite sure who could be enlightened by this, but it sure is

both weird and fun, and thus Discordian. Max Flax also mailed 203 numbered sheep erasers to an induhvidual in de-incremental order, one a day. If that doesn’t invite enlightenment, you are dealing with a cabbage and stop wasting your time and your stamps. Of course, R.A. Wilson is full of old Mindfucks such as disseminating POPE cards (THE BEARER OF THIS CARD IS A GENUINE AND AUTHORIZED P O P E So Please Treat Him Right GOOD FOREVER), bumper stickers (Smash The Government Postal Monopoly), and letters to congressmen from the Citizens Against Drug Abuse encouraging them to outlaw the dangerous drug “catnip”. As you can see, Operation: Mindfuck takes on many randomly delirious forms and we encourage all those friendly to the cause to create their own Mindfucks and pass them on to brethren. Just remember that the only strategy that an opponent cannot predict is a random strategy, so do not rinse and repeat with the same group of induhviduals. If the meme did not take the first time, it won’t take the second time, either, and you must try a different method, or a different meme. You know you are an Aneristic if you find this idea appalling, and we want you to know that you will be one of the first against the wall when the revolution comes. Nortonian Emulata is another tool we will use to increase our numbers and confound the helpless Aneristics. Nortonian Emulata is the emulation of Emperor Norton I of San Francisco. One should seek information on this great man for further information, sublimation, and enlightenment. The Pineal Gland is a private hotline to Eris. Just as the Catholic Pope has his private hotline to YHWH, so does each Discordian Pope to Eris. It is through this pipeline that Eris funnels enlightened bits of data and encourages us to share it with others in the vain-glorious hope that one of the many will become enlightened thereof. As you have probably figured out, some people have cleaner, less clogged pipelines than others do. These are the missionaries (and that’s what we are, let’s face it) who put out the necessary data for enlightenment, straight from the Pineal to the Brain Stem to the Hands. So if you ever hear one Mome say to another, “Mine’s bigger than yours,” don’t automatically assume she is a transvestite (though, don’t rule out that possibility either. Discordianism attracts a wide variety of interesting and sweet people, and I’ve known plenty of interesting, sweet transvestites), she could just be egging the other Mome on with some high-grade Discordian-Brand Draino(TM) and trying to coerce the poor infertile to blossom into a proper channel for the Goddess. Speaking of pipeline, that’s where the Bobbies lost track. Former Discordians, the Bobbies are now part of an organization known as The Church of the SubGenius. They Whoreship a pipe smoking Father Figure known only as “Bob”. They’re more irritating than we are, and not even in a good way. Anyway, during the last big UnMeeting they heard “pipe”, but not “line”. Now they smoke Discordian-Brand Draino(TM) instead of using it to clean their clogs, and therefore are filled with a mindless, robotic lethargy known as “SLACK”. Some “get it”, I must admit, but users of even

the strongest religious Chrystal-MethOdist, Lutheran.Sufi.Druidism. or Pentacostal.Catholic.Protestant. should beware the SubGenii. In a phrase, they’re fucking nuts. Frank Zappa is anything but self-explanatory, so we don’t need to waste any precious space on that subject. So you can well see that we DO have the arms, legs, and tails to battle Aneristics. Everyone knows that guerrilla-style fighting has been successfully used in many past wars by the smaller, weaker opponents of large armies. Our ontology is guerrilla ontology. Our beans are not your buns. Our methods are ruthlessly beneficial to Yeti, Spotted Owls, and Fruitbats. Our carrots help your vision and Eris-Damn any Aneristic Greyface who says differently! We screw with your mind until you come to your senses! As our friends at Chaos Faction Fnu say, we confuse you, and confusing you forces you to THINK, and there just isn’t enough thinking being done. So we FORCE you to think. We’re the ones who put a Cap Gun to your head and recite Beowulf while looking at you quizzically, waiting for you to respond. You don’t know what to do. Best case scenario, your Robot short-circuits because it was not programmed to deal with this sort of Situation. And so your Robot gives up – it FAILS YOU! You! You who dedicated your life to it; let it have everything. It just gives up. And all of the sudden, you’re robotless in a robot world, and you become an outsider looking in. An enlightened individual. A suprahumyn among humans. One of Us. One of WE. And who are “we”? When we say “we”, do we mean “whee!” we? Do we mean, “weewee”? No. When we say “we”, we mean we as in Prince Mu-Chao. When we say “we”, we mean the 23 Apples of Eris. When we say “we”, we mean the Randy Caboose Cabal. When we say “we” we mean the Discordian Society. When we say “we” we mean that distinct association of Eris Freaks aneristics fear deeply. When we say “we”, we mean every POPE on the planet. That means when we say “we”, we mean you, too, whether you’re a Discordian or not. Even as you walk through the eggs, you are us and we are you and Sonny is Cher and Burt is Ernie and PENN IS TELLER! Except Penn talks, of course, whereas Teller does not, but aside from that, PENN IS TELLER! We’ll explain that egg thing later on in our manifesto, but for now let’s pause for a quick word from Garry’s Used Transmissions in Gleyland, IN, USA: 400-03283A xmission, good shape, TFORD150, $425. Will take best offer. Now that that’s over with, we want to talk a Liddell bit about cabbages. These aren’t ordinary, everyday cabbages you see in stew pots all across the Boston area and it’s suburbs, no, these are much more insidious beings because they mask their identity. Actually, THEY don’t mask their

identity, some aneristic organization that shall remain nameless (The Bavarian Illuminati) is dressing them up in clothes and trying to pass them off as human. This isn’t a joke, stop laughing. Look around you sometime. Use your third eye, if you must, but you should be able to recognize them without it. Cabaret Discordia goes into it further on their webpage, but you have to find it. Consult your pineal gland. It is for this very reason that in the initiation rites to become a Discordian, we ask the initiate point blank, with our bare faces hanging out, “ARE YOU A HUMAN BEING AND NOT A CABBAGE OR SOMETHING?” They usually answer “No,” in confusion, then “Yes,” once they realize what they said. Or sometimes they say “YES,” right off and scare us a Liddell with their wit and vigor. Other times they say maybe and temporarily temporally confound us. The key to rooting out cabbages is in here somewhere, in case you’re interested. As if battling natural human stupidity wasn’t enough, we also have to contend with the Bavarian Illuminati in all their guises, and replacing humans with cabbages disguised as humans is just one of their many missions to piss us off. You can find out more about the Bavarian Illuminati by infiltrating your local PTA or by getting a job with the insidious Snapple Corporation. The next, last, final, end-all-be-all, defining question in your pea-sized Liddell brain is obvious to enlightened people such as us: “Why?” We’ll tell you why, and tell you why in spades (as opposed to diamonds, which are almost as valuable as flax, and therefore are not freely given away to anybody, let alone to you). The reason we go through all this trouble is because some Greyface, years and years ago, decided that order was good and that chaos was bad. This resulted in a tipping of the Hodge into the Podge, the breaking of their respective eggs, and an all-around yolky mess. We told you we’d come back to the egg thing. We bet you forgot, didn’t you? Its not like we’re writing a five hundred page book here, pal, at least you could PAY ATTENTION and TRY TO LEARN SOMETHING instead of diddling yourself and SKIMMING THROUGH our all-encompassing Manifesto. Or, at least, the third version of our all-encompassing manifestoes. Anyway, you’d think, with a mess like that on the floor (we’re back to the eggs again, now PAY ATTENTION), someone would come by and pick it up. No. Instead, for a long time (a Liddell more than 5 years and a Liddell less than 5 million) everyone just walked right on through it, tracking it all over the house, getting it on the rug, the end table… even the beds. Especially the beds. The beds are a fucking mess. I’m sure you can see where we’re going with this. We are the janitors. We clean up the egg after all of you people. If it wasn’t for us, your carma would have run over dogma and GodMa would have waxedma sorely pissedma! And you don’t want Her to do that let ME tell YOU!

Anyway, we clean up after you, century after century, hoping against hope you’ll look down, blush, and say “Oopsie”. Every once in a while one of you does just that and we celebrate with orangutan yogurt and gingersnaps, but most of the time you just walk right through it with your glazed eyes staring at whatever fantasy you’ve constructed around yourself. (In case you’re thinking us bad people at this point, let me ‘splain that orangutan yogurt is not made OF orangutan but by orangutan. We’d never eat orangutan. Most of the orangutans we know are smarter, friendlier, and better looking than you are. DEATH TO THE FOOTNOTE!) These fantasies are not even unique to each individual. These are fantasies you have inherited, our friend, inherited from other Liddell Deluded Dupes you listen to on the radio or on television. These are not yours, these are the novelist’s, these are the journalist’s, these are the minister’s! You won’t let them go, though, will you? No, you’ll find this manifesto taped to a ticking package in your mailbox and what will you do? Well, you sure as hell won’t read it like you should. You won’t even get this far. You’ll immediately panic after reading the first few paragraphs as the ticking escalates and call the government to come and protect you from us. As if they could even protect themselves! And that’s your fatal flaw. You may have left your parent’s home, but you always have a foster parent to look after you. If it’s not your parents, it’s your god or your government or your drill sergeant or your spouse. You have absolutely no control over your life because you intentionally GAVE IT UP and you will not, under your present state of unbeing, even want to think about taking it back unless we give you a bit of a nudge and whisper, “Hey, partner, you’re a FUCKING LEMMING, WAKE UP!” But we got threatened with jail by your foster parent for going up to people and doing that. Especially when we did it to the pig. So we have to be more subtle. We have to be more suave and under-the-table about this whole mess, or we share a cell with outcasts that were even rejected by YOUR society (which, come to think of it, probably make them pretty good people). No, a ticking package in your mailbox isn’t what we want to send you. We know how that turns out. Instead, this manifesto IS the ticking package and if you’ve made it this far, we’ve already deposited it in you for GOOD. You’re going to think back to this document after a few days. You won’t be able to get it out of your mind. It’ll scratch at your skull like an Oh Mickey Your So ERISDAMNED 80′s song! We know you. You’ll be saying, “Not me. They weren’t talking to me. I’m not like that. I’m not a robot, and no one is my foster parent. I’m my own person,” is what you’ll say to yourself over and over and you’ll work yourself into a frenzy over it and do you want to know why? Hmm? Do you

really want to know why? BECAUSE IT’S TRUE, IDIOT! You ARE deluding yourself and you know it, you just won’t admit it, not even to yourself, let alone anybody else. You certainly won’t admit it to us. Not your accusers! Not the people that handed you enlightenment on a silver platter and wiped the foamy drool off your lip with a fucking WET NAP! Do you remember what happened to that guy in the Bible with the Puerto Rican name? He was passing off enlightenment too, Bubba. That’s what happens to people like us when we try to help people like you. And yet we still do it. Ayn Rand sure would hate us. It’s for these reasons that we haven’t yet restored the Hodge Podge of the Yin Yang; it’s for these reasons that we call you Liddell Deluded Dupes; it’s for these reasons that we haven’t seen Under Siege 5 yet; it’s for these reasons that we have gone on and on in this manifesto, always typing but never actually saying anything; and it’s for these very reasons that Jeremiah was a bullfrog. Do you believe that?

Discordian Society Manifesto #00006 Posted by Professor Mu-Chao on 26 November 2009, 6:12 pm We do not adhere to any other copies of any other Discordian Manifesto either preceding, receding, or proceeding this document, especially not the one penned by Prince Mu-Chao while on an acid trip. In fact, we do not adhere to any other document, written or otherwise. We adhere to ourselves and only ourselves, and some forms of glue. Screw the lot of you with your pernicious rules and regulations. This is not a joke disguised as a manifesto and contrariwise, it is not a manifesto disguised as a joke. This is slam-bang guerrilla ontology disguised as a jumble of letters and spaces, but not entirely. The secret knowledge that this undocument will impart may or may not protect you from various Lovecraftian beasties and cabbages and the insolent THEY. We make no guarantees to its veracity, quality or immorality. We are only its humble authors. Trip Five, or the POEE Baptismal Rite, is hereby decreed to be right in some sense, etc etc. ad infinitum. Which is part of the problem. They don’t want you to read this. We tried to get it published in the New York Times, but THEY laughed at us and refused. Who do you have to bomb to get your manifesto printed in the New York Times? THEY try to convince you that nonsense is a waste of time. THEY try to convince you that the Snark never existed. THEY try to tell you that meaninglessness is meaningless. You know better, don’t you? THEY cannot believe that anybody would spend time producing something and not want to make a quick buck off of it. As far as THEY are concerned, KopyLeft is a nonsensible notion that would be dangerous to the economy if it ever caught on. THEY try to convince you that there IS an economy. THEY try to convince you that money is real. THEY try to convince you that the majority should rule, even when the majority is wrong. THEY try to convince you that you are merely cannon fodder for politicians you didn’t even vote for. THEY say there is no greenhouse effect. THEY say there is no such thing as magic. They say there is one god and He is White. If you don’t like that idea, THEY tell you that your only other choice is

Science. THEY don’t dare mention the crazy bitch that actually runs this place. But you know better, don’t you? Our catma is the Pentabarf, our church is a bowling alley, and our Goddess is Eris. Eris is a mean bitch you do not want to meet. She is not a metaphor for impersonal forces. She is not a metaphor for impersonal forces. She is not a metaphor for impersonal forces. She is not a metaphor for impersonal forces. She is not a metaphor for impersonal forces. She creates chaos personally and on purpose, and does so because she is loopy. BUT, when one embraces chaos as much as one does order and realizes that either one is just as useful and necessary as the other one and stops ordering chaos every time it is encountered, that person has what is called an EPIPHANY. Epiphanies of this kind are translated to humans through their Pineal Gland. This is also known as the Pipeline to Eris. Like any pipeline, it can get clogged naturally or by terrorists (i.e. – people who threaten to use force to get you to do things). In order to keep this pipeline clean, it is essential that you DO NOT EAT HOT DOG BUNS! It cannot be stressed with mere capital letters or italics just how important this is to your wellbeing or sanity… I’m… I’m sorry. I can’t go on. These ludicrous rants and raves have just… just… been done too much. They are no longer amusing to me. We have not reinvented ourselves as Discordians and our humor is growing old and stale. * Insert misery and foreboding here * We need to decide what it is we are… because I certainly don’t know any valid answer to that except for “ourselves”, and that sounds kind of new-age cliché… REINVENT YOURSELVES IN YOUR OWN IMAGE. Or don’t. See if I care.

The E-Jing-A-Ling Thing The I-Ching (pronounced E-Jeang) is an ancient Chinese system that is not unlike the western Tarot. Sticks or coins are thrown and they Mean Something. For the E-Jing-A-Ling Thing, we took the I-Ching and created Discordian answers that had some similarity to the Chinese meanings (albeit, in some cases it is a stretch, but the Goddess TOLD us to do it). If you don't know how to use sticks, simply think of a question you would like to ask the E-Jing-A-Ling Thing and flip a coin six times, recording Yang for each "heads" and Yin for each "tails". Find the appropriate hexagram in the table below and click to see what Eris suggests. To use the table, look for the first three results in the top section and the last three results on the side. There are 4 sections that should be studied and meditated upon for each throwing. The hexagram itself, the name of the hexagram, the quote or image that applies to that name, and our explanation of the hexagram's meaning. Each one of these is just as important to understanding the hexagram as the other is, so don't ignore the first three by any means. We thought about creating a system that uses Pentagrams instead of Hexagrams (for obvious reasons), but figured we would duplicate and feed off of the old chinese sage's wisdom first. When we feel up to it, we may create another E-JingA-Ling that relies on Pentagrams.

3+. Pi

1. Omar & Mal

34. The Golden Apple

5. St. Tibs Day

26. Hot Dog Buns

11. The Contented Chao

9. The Discordian

14. KopyLeft

43. Finnegan's Wake

25. Emperor Norton I

51. Mr. Crowley

3. Cosmogony

27. The Hot Dog

24. Saint Bobo

42. Podge

21. Operation: Mindfuck

17. Bob

6. The Original Snub

40. The Illuminatus! Trilogy

29. Sink

4. The Bobbies

7. The Knights of the 5 Sided Temple

59. KallistiCon

64. Eris

47. Inigo Montoya

33. Kyre Banorg

62. Stick and Jab

39. The Eschaton

52. Mt. Olympus

15. Robert Shea

53. Chapter 1

56. Hagbard Celine

31. Primer for Erisian Evangelists

8. The Sacred Chao

23. John Dillenger

2. Chapel Perilous

20. Meditation

35. Grand Unified Conspiracy Theory

45. Walpurgisnacht

12. 16. The Cabbage Robert Anton Wilson

44. Voting The Party Line

32. The Flat Earth Society

48. Bureaucracy

18. Yog Sothoth

46. The Tum Tum Tree

57. Synchronicity

50. The Jake

28. The Aneristic Illusion

13. Abnormail

55. Pineal Power

63. Aneris

22. Kallisti

36. Greyface

37. The Discordian Society

30. The Christian

49. Revolution

10. The Turkey Curse

54. Defining Discordia

60. Mornington Crescent

41. Hodge

19. The Ways To Enlightenment

61. The Pineal Gland

38. The Illuminati

58. The Buddha

1. Omar & Mal Greg Hill & Kerry Thornley

Sublime creative power can provide happiness to yourself and others. You Hexagram must consciously cast out all that is inferior, degrading, and just plain lame. 00001 There are many who are great and yet still unrecognized, so do not judge yourself by external success or failure, but instead develop the calm strength of patience. Do not expend your energies prematurely; wait until the time is ripe. The paths before you lead to those of the hero or the holy sage.

2. Chapel Perilous Here There Be Dragons

This hexagram represents the dark, yielding power of Yin. Do not go ahead Hexagram and try to lead blindly at this juncture, or you will become lost. Instead look 00002 for a friend or a guide to help you through the darkness, but do not give yourself over to them, for solitude and planning will also be necessary (not only that, we don't want you to turn into a cabbage, either).

3. Cosmogony 1. Before the beginning was the Nonexistent Chao, balanced in Oblivion by the Perfect Counterpushpull of the Hodge and the Podge. 2. Whereupon, by an Act of Happenstance, the Hodge began gradually to overpower the Hexagram Podge -- and the Primal Chaos thereby came to be. 00003 3. So in the beginning was the Primal Chaos, balanced on the Edge of Oblivion by the

Perfect Counterpullpush of the Podge and the Hodge. 4. Whereupon, by the Law of Negative Reversal, the Podge swiftly underpowered the Hodge and Everything broke loose. 5. And therein emerged the Active Force of Discord, the Subtle Manifestation of the Nonexistent Chao, to guide Everything along the Path back to Oblivion - that it might not become lost among Precepts of Order in the Region of Thud. 6. Forasmuch as it was Active, the Force of Discord entered the State of Confusion, wherein It copulated with the Queen and begat ERIS, Our Lady of Discord and Gross Manifestation of the Nonexistent Chao. 7. And under Eris Confusion became established, and was hence called Bureaucracy; while over Bureaucracy Eris became established, and was hence called Discordia. 8. By the by it came to pass that the Establishment of Bureaucracy perished in a paper shortage. 9. Thus it was, in accord with the Law of Laws. 10. During and after the Fall of the Establishment of Bureaucracy was the Aftermath, an Age of Disorder in which calculation, computations, and reckonings were put away by the Children of Eris in Acceptance and Preparation for the Return to Oblivion to be followed by a Repetition of the Universal Absurdity. Moreover, of Itself the Coming of Aftermath waseth a Resurrection of the Freedom-flowing Chaos. HAIL ERIS! 11. Herein was set into motion the Eristic Pattern, which would Repeat Itself Five Times Over Seventy-three Times, after which nothing would happen.

This hexagram represents beginnings. It has historically been read as a bad sign, but this is because the ancient Chinese did not understand the positive aspect of chaos. During times of growth, everything is in motion and struggling to attain form - creating a chaotic maelstrom of potential growth and inspiration. Revel in the chaos and use it to further your own ends.

Pi Sometimes 3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399 etc...

This is the only hexagram displayed here that was not in the I-Ching. We felt Hexagram it was important to add a hexagram in case a stick or coin ends up on its 000pi edge. This Hexagram stands for uncertainty in the quantum reality. The authors of this sacred tome recommend that if you get this hexagram you

either poison a cat or don't in a box where no one can see it to divine the correct path to take. Under no circumstances should you record the results of this experiment, or even try to discover for yourself the results of this experiment, since that will drastically change its outcome, and there will be a 50% chance that you will therefore be reading the results of the experiment incorrectly.

4. The Bobbies GOD spelled backwards is DOG, but BOB spelled backwards is still BOB!

This hexagram indicates youthful folly - and therefore implies a Hexagram temporariness that can be overcome. Be conscious of your inexperience and 00004 seek out a teacher. The teacher does not have to be a person, as long as it teaches discipline. Remember, discipline is not drill. Discipline itself is a very useful tool, while drill is an Aneristic waste of time. The first thing that comes to mind is the self-effacement practised by Drake in the Illuminatus! Trilogy. One might also, if the previous example is too labor-intensive for your tastes, study the works of Mr. Crowley, especially Diary of a Drug Fiend, keeping in mind, of course, that the man was mentally deranged.

5. St. Tibs Day ST. TIBS DAY - occurs once every 4 years (1+4=5) and is inserted between the 59th and 60th days of the Season of Chaos.

Hexagram This hexagram points to waiting patiently, as one must do for St Tibs Day. 00005 Luckily, it also suggests that one should eat, drink and be merry while you are waiting in order to fortify your body. This isn't pointless waiting - there is

a goal - but one should not be impatient to reach it. So in other words, this hexagram suggests that one should just chill out and party. This is Prince MuChao's favorite hexagram and he sometimes warps the results of his throw so that they conform to the St. Tibs Day Hexagram.

6. The Original Snub It seems that Zeus was preparing a wedding banquet for Peleus and Thetis and did not want to invite Eris because of Her reputation as a trouble maker.

Hexagram This made Eris angry, and so She fashioned an apple of pure gold and inscribed upon it KALLISTI (To The Prettiest One) and on the day of the fete She rolled it into the banquet 00006 hall and then left to be alone and joyously partake of a hot dog.

Now, three of the invited goddesses, Athena, Hera, and Aphrodite, each immediately claimed it to belong to herself because of the inscription. And they started fighting, and they started throwing punch all over the place and everything. Finally Zeus calmed things down and declared that an arbitrator must be selected, which was a reasonable suggestion, and all agreed. He sent them to a shepherd of Troy, whose name was Paris because his mother had had a lot of gaul and had married a Frenchman; but each of the sneaky goddesses tried to outwit the others by going early and offering a bribe to Paris. Athena offered him Heroic War Victories, Hera offered him Great Wealth, and Aphrodite offered him the Most Beautiful Woman on Earth. Being a healthy young Trojan lad, Paris promptly accepted Aphrodites bribe and she got the apple and he got screwed. As she had promised, she maneuvered earthly happenings so that Paris could have Helen (the Helen) then living with her husband Menelaus, King of Sparta. Anyway, everyone knows that the Trojan War followed when Sparta demanded their Queen back and that the Trojan War is said to be The First War among men. And so we suffer because of the Original Snub. And so a Discordian is to partake of No Hot Dog Buns. Do you believe that?

This hexagram represents conflict and opposition, and suggests that there will be considerable force applied against you. It also suggests that, like Eris did

in the case of the party, one should use cunning to overcome the opposition. Discordians are usually pretty apt at cunning, since it takes much cunning to merely survive as a Discordian in today's world, so further description should be unneccessary.

7. The Knights of the 5-Sided Temple The Military Order of THE KNIGHTS OF THE FIVE SIDED TEMPLE is the first Order of Discordia and is for all the soldiers and bureaucrats of the world.

Hexagram This hexagram represents military strength, which implies that the situation 00007 you are asking about is fraught with an authority/obedience trip. Since this is a grossly inadequate situation to find yourself in, the authors suggest you just walk away from whatever situation you are dealing with and instead go and play Sink or something. If the situation you were asking about is something you cannot turn your back on, you must escalate your Eristic Vibes to equal the Aneristic Vibes of the force you are dealing with, thus forming a contented chao.

8. The Sacred Chao Hexagram 00008

The Sacred Chao and this hexagram represent union of chaos and order. Balance is achieved and everything is holding together. Since human nature implies that the balance will not last, the authors suggest that one take advantage of the harmony while it is there, and stop reading this stupid shit for now.

9. The Discordian GP: Is Eris true? M2: Everything is true. GP: Even false things? Hexagram M2: Even false things are true. 00009 GP: How can that be? M2: I dont know man, I didnt do it.

This hexagram represents the power of small - the power of the individual against the mammoth corporation, organization or government. It implies that the strong can be whittled slowly down by the constant wear of the weak, as the wind erodes rock over time. It instructs one not to blindly charge ahead and attack, but to gradually move ahead, a step at a time, when battling outrageous jabberwockies.

10. The Turkey Curse Take a foot stance as if you were John L. Sullivan preparing for fisticuffs. Face the particular greyface you wish to short-circuit, or towards the direction of the negative aneristic vibration that you wish to neutralize. Begin by waving your arms in any elaborate manner Hexagram and make motions with your hands as though you were Mandrake feeling up a sexy 00010 giantess. Chant, loudly and clearly: GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE!

This hexagram represents ones social conduct and physical bearing. The original I Ching was drawn along Confucian lines, and was therefore very conservative about this hexagram. As should be seen from the title, the EJing-A-Ling Thing takes a different view of the meaning of this hexagram. The point of the original was to move from inferior to superior position by tempering ones conduct and bearing, but the E-jing recommends methods that resemble the turkey curse in order to gain the upper hand.

11. The Contented Chao Find peace with a contented chao.

This hexagram states that perfect harmony is achieved and signifies the end Hexagram to feuds. Prosperity is implied. It should be stressed that perfect balance is 00011 ALREADY achieved, so one should bear with imperfect people at this time. Strong Eristic Vibes at this time would be detrimental to the contentment of the chao.

12. The Cabbage "Are ye a cabbage or something?"

This hexagram symbolizes stagnation, decline, and decay. Get your shit Hexagram together and move, in any direction. Creative Chaos is desperately lacking 00012 and should be introduced to the situation immediately.

13. Abnormail “Unfortunately, the majority of eristic abnormail is nothing but inane gossip, masturbatory in-jokes, trivial variations of stale dogma, snide put-downs of those not weird in exactly the same was as ‘us’, and similar such garbage ad naseum; and that’s good too!”

Hexagram 00013 This hexagram represents fellowship in all of its forms. This is best represented in Discordian terms by the Cabal or a network of Cabals - thus Abnormail, which fosters fellowship within the ranks of Discordia. This is not always a positive thing, for sometimes fellowship drowns the individual and should be tempered to avoid becoming "just another cog". All in all, though, fellowship is a good thing and looser associations that enable the sharing of concepts and ideas should now be encouraged.

14. (K)opyLeft Copyright Is Reversed. Reprint What You Like.

This hexagram stands for possession on a grand scale through unselfish Hexagram modesty, and is therefore represented perfectly by the Discordian tendency to 00014 reverse the copyright on their creations. The hexagram represents private property becoming public property, and I'm afraid that means we are damn communists. Or socialists. Or at least Marxists. Of course, it could mean that we are not any of those things, we're just not greedy capitalists, either. Anyway, the hexagram seems to be telling you to be unselfish and share.

15. Robert Shea co-author of the Illuminatus! Trilogy

This hexagram represents a quiet and successful modesty. Your Hexagram achievements will be noticed and appreciated, so you don't have to stand on 00015 a podium and announce it to the world.

16. Robert Anton Wilson co-author of the Illuminatus! Trilogy

This hexagram has the opposite meaning of the previous hexagram. Instead Hexagram of modesty, one should foster enthusiasm on a grand scale. Be prolific. 00016 Shout your ideas from the rooftops. Get excited.

17. Bob J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, leader and High Epopt of the Church of the SubGenius, Living Avatar of Slack, the Saint of Sales. Once a humble salesman; underwent his Emaculation in JHVH-1 (Alien Space God) in 1953 and saw visions of X-Day, leading to his founding the Church of Hexagram the SubGenius on a shifting, sandy beach of hypocrisy.

00017

This hexagram represents egotism and arrogance. Be wary of an arrogant man with followers (and beware of the followers, too!). If you so choose, this hexagram can also be represented by the arrogant leader of your choice. There are plenty to choose from.

18. Yog Sothoth For Yog-Sothoth is the Gate. He knoweth where the Old Ones came forth in times past and where they came forth again when the cycle returneth.

Hexagram This hexagram represents vile decay and rot. It can also represent corruption. 00018 Needless to say, this is not a very good sign. The E-Jing-A-Ling Thing suggests that you stay upbeat during this nasty time and foster a "Fuck it" attitude until Fortuna's wheel spins again. Cheerily wave to the rotting corpses and laugh with excessive mirth at the babies brains being eaten by worms. Cheerio-ho!

19. The Ways To Enlightenment "Enlightenment: The extremely short period between being sober and drunk." - Ambrose Bierce

Hexagram This hexagram indicates the ability to become great. It stands for light00019 giving, hopeful progress. Keep to the path you are currently on - it is a correct one. Don't rush ahead now that you know it is a correct path, however. You are doing perfectly at the speed you are going.

20. Meditation "Om Om Padme Om... Om Om Padme Om... Oh! Oh! Paddle me! Oh!" - Ambrose Bierce

This hexagram stands for contemplation of the the long view. It indicates Hexagram that inner sight is present and should be used. Take a pause and contemplate 00020 the situation carefully.

21. Operation: Mindfuck "I hung up in the stall of every single men's restroom on campus (which took a while) and in many of the women's stalls as well (I had help) a sign which read: "Whatever thy hand findest to do, do it with all thy heart." -Jesus It hung directly at eye level as you sat there." Hexagram Brock Sayre

00021

This hexagram stands for battling through obstacles. The fact that there are obstacles may seem to some to indicate that this is a negative hexagram, but what fun would an obstacle-free life be (imagine a video game where you

don't have any obstacles)? It is important to focus on battling through the obstacles as opposed to the obstacles themselves.

22. Kallisti To The Prettiest

This hexagram represents beauty of form. It covers all aspects of beauty - the Hexagram beauty of nature, the beauty of mind or ideas, and the beauty of individuals. 00022 This isn't beauty as it is described by any form of media, but natural beauty inherent in objects or ideas.

23. John Dillenger The man that died that night was neither the same height nor weight than Dillinger. The dead man had brown eyes while it was a well known fact that Dillinger's eyes were bright blue. Hexagram Dillinger's well publicized birth mark was not mentioned in the autopsy report. 00023 The report stated that the dead man had more teeth than Dillinger. And finally, there was evidence that the dead man had a rheumatic heart, a condition that would have certainly prevented Dillinger from serving in the U.S. Navy. The FBI continues to deny the discrepancies and claims that they were nothing more than untimely mistakes made in the coroner's office.

This hexagram represents a splitting apart (or a 23-Skidooing). It does not futher one to go anywhere, or you might get shot down in the street in front of a movie theatre or something as equally inconvenient. Just stay at home and play Cooknote Fiberglass or something and send your double to the theatre to get shot.

24. Saint Bobo There walked into the room a chimpanzee, shaggy and grey about the muzzle, yet upright in his full five feet, and poised with natural majesty. He carried a scroll and walked to the young men. Hexagram "Gentlemen," he said, "why does Pickering’s Moon go about in reverse orbit? Gentlemen, 00024 there are nipples on your chests; do you give milk? And what, pray tell, Gentlemen, is to be done about Heisenberg’s Law?" He paused. "SOMEBODY HAD TO PUT ALL OF THIS CONFUSION HERE!" And with that he revealed his scroll. It was a diagram, like a yin-yang with a pentagon on one side and an apple on the other. And then he exploded and the two lost consciousness.

This hexagram is the turning point, the transformation of old into new, just as Saint Bobo's appearance transformed Omar and Mal's mind from demented, drooling cabbages into the finely tuned instruments they were upon the writing of the Principia. Of course, transformation can go the opposite way too...

25. Emperor Norton I St. Norton the First, Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico

This hexagram indicates innocence, as well as the unexpected. This translates Hexagram into the kind of pure madness that is best exemplified in Emperor Norton I or 00025 Saint Quixote. The situation you are asking about requires a truly Erisian solution, such as a massive attack upon a windmill or declaration of your emperorhood of an entire state (or country, for that matter).

26. Hot Dog Buns IV - A Discordian shall Partake of No Hot Dog Buns, for Such was the Solace of Our Goddess when She was Confronted with The Original Snub.

Hexagram Unbelievably, the meaning of this Hexagram in the original I Ching is "don't 00026 eat at home". The Discordian I Ching modifies this to "do not eat hot dog buns at home", which really is some good advice. The hexagram promises retention and clarity if you go out and eat hot dog buns (I guess).

27. The Hot Dog (on Friday) III - A Discordian is Required during his early Illumination to Go Off Alone & Partake Joyously of a Hot Bog on a Friday; this Devotive Ceremony to Remonstrate against the popular Paganisms of the Day: of Catholic Christendom (no meat on Friday), of Judaism (no meat of Hexagram Pork), of Hindic Peoples (no meat of Beef), of Buddhists (no meat of animal), and of 00027 Discordians (no Hot Dog Buns).

This hexagram signifies nourishment and tranquility. Eating a Hot Dog on Friday is, of course, an impossible act for a Discordian since there is no day on the Discordian calendar named "Friday"; therefore this hexagram also implies an impossibility, but one that won't bother you in the slightest.

28. The Aneristic Illusion Western philosophy is traditionally concerned with contrasting one grid with another grid, and amending grids in hopes of finding a perfect one that will account for all reality and will, hence, (say unenlightened westerners) be True. This is illusory; it is what we Erisians call the Hexagram ANERISTIC ILLUSION. Some grids can be more useful than others, some more beautiful than 00028 others, some more pleasant than others, etc., but none can be more True than any other.

This hexagram reminds that the weight of large, bulky things is excessive and warns that the load is currently too heavy to bear. There will soon be a collapse of some kind, probably (hopefully) of an Aneristic bulk.

29. Sink

Hexagram 00029

A GAME By Ala Hera, E.L., N.S.; RAYVILLE APPLE PANTHERS SINK is played by Discordians and people of much ilk. PURPOSE: To sink object or an object or a thing- in water or mud or anything you; can sink something in. RULES: Sinking is allowd in any manner. To date, ten pound chunks of mud were used to sink a tobacco can. It is preferable to have a pit of water or a hole to drop things in. But rivers - bays - gulfs - I dare say even oceans can be used. TURNS are taken thusly: who somever gets the junk up in the air first. DUTY: It shall be the duty of all persons playing "SINK" to help find more objects to sink, once; one object is sunk. UPON SINKING: The sinked shall yell "I sank it!" or something equally as thoughtful. NAMING OF OBJECTS is some times desirable. The object is named by the finder of such object and whoever sinks it can say for instance, "I sunk Columbus, Ohio."

This hexagram represents water and life, and signifies possible danger. Obviously, the danger it is referring to is the danger that the items which are sunk find themselves in. Make sure you are the one playing sink and you are not the thing to be sunk.

30. The Christian Exodus 20:13 "Thou shalt not kill." Leviticus 24:17 "And he that killeth any man shall surely be put to death." Hosea 13:16 "they shall fall by the sword: their infants shall be dashed in pieces, and their Hexagram women with children shall be ripped up."

00030

This hexagram represents a clinging compliance, or an unthinking, voluntary dependence on something. If that's your bag, shit, go for it. More power to you - drop out of the human race and send all your money to evangelists for all Eris cares. I'm guessing, though, since this is a Discordian E-Jing-A-Ling Thing after all, this is not something you enjoy having pointed out to you. Still, the E-Jing-A-Ling thing doesn't lie. Get out on your own and foster your individuality, cabbage.

31. The Primer For Erisian Evangelists A PRIMER FOR ERISIAN EVANGELISTS by Lord Omar The SOCRATIC APPROACH is most successful when confronting the ignorant. The "socratic approach" is what you call starting an argument by asking questions. You approach the Hexagram innocent and simpy ask "Did you know that God’s name is Eris and that He is a girl?" If he 00031 should answer "Yes." Then he is probably a fellow Erisian and so you can forget it. If he says "No." then quickly proceed to: THE BLIND ASSERTION and say "Well, He is a girl and His name is ERIS!" Shrewdly observe if the subject is convinced. If he is, swear him into the Legion of Dynamic Discord before he changes his mind. If he does not appear to be convinced, then proceed to: THE FAITH BIT: "But you must have Faith! All is lost without Faith! I sure feel sorry for you if you don’t have Faith." And then add: THE ARGUMENT BY FEAR and in an ominous voice ask "Do you know what happens to those

who deny Goddess?" If he hesitates, don’t tell him that he will surely be reincarnated as a precious Mao Button and distributed to the poor in the Region of Thud (which would be a mean thing to say), just shake your head sadly and, while wiping a tear from your eye, go to: THE FIRST CLAUSE PLOY wherein you point to all of the discord and confusion in the world and exclaim "Well who the hell do you think did all of this, wise guy?" If he says, "Nobody, just impersonal forces." Then quickly respond with: THE ARGUMENT BY SEMANTICAL GYMNASTICS and say that he is absolutely right, and that those impersonal forces are female and that Her name is ERIS. If he, wonder of wonders, still remains obstinate, then finally resort to: THE FIGURATIVE SYMBOLISM DODGE and confide that sophisticated people like himself recognize that Eris is a Figurative Symbol for an Ineffable Metaphysical Reality and that The Erisian Movement is really more like a poem than like a science and that he is liable to be turned into a Precious Mao Button and Distributed to The Poor in The Region of Thud if he does not get hip. Then put him on your mailing list.

This hexagram represents a strong influence - whether it be yourself doing the influencing or someone else. Maybe even this E-Jing-A-Ling Thing, if you don't mind getting meta with us for a second. It also signifies that now is the time for wooing and courtship - in the area of love OR intellect.

32. The Flat Earth Society "Aim: To carefully observe, think freely rediscove forgotten fact and oppose theoretical dogmatic assumptions. To help establish the United States... of the the world on this flat earth. Replace the science religion... with SANITY!"

Hexagram 00032 This hexagram represents endurance in the face of insurmountable obstacles, much as the Flat Earth Society still survives in the face of overwhelming "scientific evidence" that "proves" their theories to be entirely incorrect. It also encourages duration - whatever you are up against will not be easy, but you can overcome it if you just stick it out (unlike the Flat Earth Society, which is just shit-house crazy).

33. Kyre Banorg Run away! Run away!

This hexagram warns you to Retreat Immmediately. Stop what you are doing Hexagram (put the herring down and leave the mightiest tree in the forest alone) and 00033 take off in the opposite direction because bad things are about to happen and a quick retreat will get you out in the nick of time.

34. The Golden Apple

Hexagram 00034

This hexagram represents the power of the great - for clarification, just sit and remember what happens when Eris uses her apple. That is the power of the great which is currently at your disposal, waiting to be used.

35. The Grand Unified Conspiracy Theory "...and Hallmark has three of the same people on its board as the Snapple Corporation, whose VP of Marketing was a former CIA agent who just happened to be in Dealy Plaza...

Hexagram This hexagram represents a coming together and suggests that feeling you 00035 get when there are only a few more pieces left to a 5000 piece puzzle. Everything seems to suddenly fit and, if you remain calm and cheerful, great progress will be made.

36. Greyface In the year 1166 B.C., a malcontented hunchbrain by the name of Greyface, got it into his head that the universe was as humorless as he, and he began to teach that play was sinful because it contradicted the ways of Serious Order. "Look at all the order about you," he Hexagram said. And from that, he deluded honest men to believe that reality was a straitjacket affair 00036 and not the happy romance as men had known it. It is not presently understood why men were so gullible at that particular time, for absolutely no one thought to observe all the disorder around them and conclude just the opposite. But anyway, Greyface and his followers took the game of playing at life more seriously than they took life itself and were known even to destroy other living beings whose ways of life differed from their own. The unfortunate result of this is that mankind has since been suffering from a psychological and spiritual imbalance. Imbalance caused by frustration, and frustration causes fear. And fear makes a bad trip. Man has been on a bad trip for a long time now. It is called THE CURSE OF GREYFACE.

This signifes a wounding that a being in a position of authority brings to wise and able men (and therefore may be tied to the current War On Druggies). The E-Jing-A-Ling hopes that you will maintain your inner light during this harmful period and rise from it's ashes like a cliche.

37. The Discordian Society "The Discordian Society has no definition. I sometimes think of it as a disorganization of Eris Freaks. It has been called a guerrilla mind theatre. Episkopos Randomfactor, Director of Purges of Our People's Underworld Hexagram Movement sect in Larchmont, prefers ``The World's Greatest Association of What-ever-it-is00037 that-we-are.'' Lady Mal thinks of it as a Renaissance think tank. Fang the Unwashed, WKC, won't say. You can think of it any way you like." - kbuxton

This hexagram represents the family, or the clan. Admittedly, the Discordian Society is a pretty loose-knit clan, but none-the-less, it is one. The hexagram suggests that you turn to family to help solve the problem you are currently dealing with instead of dealing with it on your own.

38. The Illuminati A Satanic Plot for a One World Government. Or something equally interesting.

This hexagram represents a powerful opposition and a divergence of points Hexagram of view. It warns you to be guarded and more careful than usual when 00038 dealing with potential enemies. Be careful who you Jake, because some people just don't have a sense of humor.

39. The Eschaton "Salvation is defined in such eschatological terms as "eternal life," "resurrection," and present entrance into the kingdom (e.g., Jn.5:24). In Paul the "justification" anticipated for the righteous as they would stand at the bar of God's judgment is in Christ a present reality, Hexagram something enjoyed by faith ahead of time (e.g., Rom.5:1). The blessings of the New 00039 Covenant, which today's believer enjoys, are themselves (originally) cast in an eschatological context (cf. Jer.31:31ff; Ezek.36:22ff). Christ has already delivered us from "this present evil age" (Gal.1:4) and has placed us into His own kingdom (Col.1:13). We live even now "in the heavenlies" (Eph.2:6). In Christ the future is present; the eschatological kingdom is now." - Fred G. Zaspel

This hexagram represents a dangerous abyss that can and should be overcome with perserverance. It recommends that you walk softly but carry a big apple. Don't try to jump over the gaping abyss; make your way around it.

40. The Illuminatus! Trilogy "Like virtually everyone else, I read this book in high school after I had finished Umberto Eco's _The Name of the Rose_ and _Foucault's Pendulum_, which I greatly enjoyed. I forced myself to finish it simply to prove that I could. Here's the way it is folks: Robert Anton Hexagram Wilson (RAW - as he refers to himself) is an infant, and he wants to be treated like a 00040 screaming brat infant. Give him a slap! His admirers, all suffering from attention-deficit hyper-activity disorder (AD/HD) after reading this book are infantile too. The "philosophy" (certainly not meriting that dignified epithet) behind this book is nothing more than a series of self-competitive hedonistic nonsense progressively aiming to outdo each previous iteration of its own ridiculousness in hopes of achieving something revolutionary - a series of baubles used to amuse three year old babies. However, there is no synthesis, nothing is produced from it. Rather, it would have us all robots driven outside of our minds by every blind and base impulse imaginable in a hedonic frenzy, all the while engaging in remorseless rape of the language to achieve some sort of verbal ecstasy. To overcome the ennuie which immediately ensues we are provided with grandiose puzzles (paradoxes) to contemplate with ever increasing absurdity. This sort of mental hedonism can lead to only one thing, total and complete destruction. It is not the highest in man; rather, it is in fact his lowest. Instead of seeing this as a product of euphoriant intoxication or mental disorder (let's not

give it that much credit folks, even drugs or mental disease would produce more profound effects), I prefer to look at it as the product of a reasonably intelligent mind that has chosen to systematically disengage its will. This philosophy comes complete with a means of selfidentification among its anarchist followers, through the presence of the word "fnord" appearing at various places in their reviews. As you can tell by reading some of the reviews here many of Wilson's disciples seem to have mastered the art of sesquipedalian obfuscation - an iterative procedure to generate pseudo-profundities by the successive manufacture of nonstandard grammatical combinations through the use of excessively big words." -zosimos, Amazon Book Review

This hexagram represents the beginning of deliverence - but just the beginning. In order to benefit from the deliverence, you must work toward it yourself and not wait for it to be handed to you.

41. Hodge The Pentagon represents the Aneristic Principle of Order and symbolizes the Hodge. The Pentagon has several references; for one, it can be taken to represent geometry, one of the earliest studies of formal order to reach elaborate development; for another, it specifically Hexagram accords with the Law of Fives.

00041 This hexagram suggests a decrease, or a need for simplicity. Keep things straightforward and simple now. As much as you might like to complicate things, now is not the time.

42. Podge The Podge of the Sacred Chao is symbolized as The Golden Apple of Discordia, which represents the Eristic Principle of Disorder. The writing on it, ``KALLISTI'' is Greek for ``TO THE PRETTIEST ONE'' and refers to an old myth about The Goddess. But the Greeks had only Hexagram a limited understanding of Disorder, and thought it to be a negative principle.

00042

This hexagram suggests an increase, or a need for complexity. Revel in chaos and make things so complex that no one will be able to unravel them within your lifetime.

43. Finnegan's Wake

Hexagram 00043

riverrun, past Eve and Adam's, from swerve of shore to bend of bay, brings us by a commodius vicus of recirculation back to Howth Castle and Environs... ...Coming, far! End here. Us then. Finn, again! Take. Bussoftlhee, mememormee! Till thous-endsthee. Lps. The keys to. Given! A way a lone a last a loved a 15 long the

This hexagram signifies resoluteness. Now is the time to undertake something that you have been putting off and see it through all the way to the end.

44. Voting The Party Line "Well, (s)he's the lesser of two evils..."

This hexagram signifies an effort at coming to meet, but in a negative way. It Hexagram implies that you are giving in to the inferior by meeting them halfway 00044 instead of sticking to your guns. Compromise can be a good thing, but in this case it will create a situation that you will not like.

45. Walpurgisnacht The Second Law of Thermodynamics, The Ultra-Violet Hippopotamus, The Thing on the Doorstep, The Glue Sniffers, King Kong and his Skull Island Dinosaurs, The Noisy Minority...

Hexagram This hexagram represents a gathering together or a massing of people or 00045 things. If this does come about, either by natural or manipulated means, it will have a positive outcome.

46. The Tum Tum Tree So rested he by the Tum Tum Tree and stood awhile in thought.

This hexagram represents "pushing upward", much in the same way that a Hexagram tree slowly grows and therefore "pushes upward". It implies a potential for 00046 growth, as well as anything else that might be implicated by thoughts of trees and wood (such as fuel, shelter, toughness, perserverance, etc).

47. Inigo Montoya "Hello, My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die."

This hexagram represents oppression and exhaution. Restrain yourself - you Hexagram are slamming yourself up against a door that is braced from the other side 00047 (think of Inigo throwing himself up against the closed door, and how stupid he looked). Get some help; you can't do this alone.

48. Bureaucracy An Age of Bureaucracy is an Imperial Age in which Things Mature, in which Confusion becomes entrenched and during which Balanced Balance, or Stagnation, is attained.

Hexagram This hexagram represents the inexhaustible and the unchanging. It can mean 00048 stagnation, but also a comforting routine, depending upon how you look at it. Since this IS the DISCORDIAN E-Jing-A-Ling Thing, the implication is that you are stuck in a rut and you need to do something to get out of it.

49. Revolution "The Principia Discordia has served as the basis for a worldwide revolution in madness, managing to leave a trail of icons and such in its path." - Discordian Society of Saint Mary's University

Hexagram 00049 This hexagram represents revolution. It is not telling you to shoot government workers - it is warning you that a revolution (of the mind, hopefully) seems immenant at this time. Remember, this can usually be read on a personal level. It also warns that revolution should only be looked to when there is no other way out.

50. The Jake "Here is what I wrote on the (Best Buy) Idea Box form: I have a friend who lives in upstate New York who got a Papa John's Pizza ad that announces that carryout is free! Can you imagine?! Of course it'd be free! WE were wondering if you could send your walking, talking Hexagram Best Buy tag to go kick some ass and offer the victims to the dark gods?" - Dingo Kaka

00050 This hexagram represents nourishment and the preparing of "food". Of course, it could be real food, or food for thought as the name we chose suggests. The hexagram implies that YOU should nourish and prepare "food" for others.

51. Mr. Crowley CHEN: Fire! Beware, but smile with mein divine! Let nothing scare thee into spilling wine! Here's trouble; watch thy ways, but drink thy wine! Hexagram Take lofty ground; the tide will ebb and flow. 00051 Distraught? May danger teach thee low to go! Fight fire with fire, or sink in mud supine! Troubles mean profits for the men who know. Caution! Foresee the action of the foe!

This hexagram was very complicated in the original I-Ching, standing for arousal, but also terror, shock, fear, and trembling. The classic situation suggested above would probably be the virgin bride on her wedding night. Explore the possibility of interpreting your situation by using that image. This is the hexagram that Crowley did not agree with and changed (thus its name here). Crowley suggested changing its meaning to "Fight Fire With Fire". Therefore, to Discordians, this hexagram stands for the bold and selfimportant.

52. Mt. Olympus "Mount Olympus. We all know it's a major feature of Arborea, and the home of a pantheon of powers called the Olympians or Greek "Gods." 'Course, as an Athar, I have to tell you these so-called Gods are not all they claim to be. They bicker and argue among themselves Hexagram more than a Xaositect and a Guvner playing knucklebones, and over such petty things. If 00052 they are "supreme beings," I'll stay inferior, thanks." - Leir the Explorer

This hexagram stands for keeping still (as a mountain does throughout the millenia). It implies the need for meditation, yoga, or some other immobile exercise.

53. Chapter 1 Once Upon A Time...

This hexagram stands for the stages of development, or of gradual progress Hexagram made toward a goal (whether the goal be vague or specific). It reminds that 00053 such things come in stages and that people who try to subvert this may reach their goal but will not have a clear understanding of it - they will be idiot savants and will be unable to understand the situation in its fullest.

54. Defining Discordia "A REAL Discordian would..." - Ambrose Bierce

This hexagram warns caution and reserve. Misunderstanding and Hexagram disagreement are also suggested. Walk cautiously through the situation you 00054 find yourself in and don't make any sudden moves.

55. Pineal Power "I am MIGHTY!" - The Tick

This hexagram signifies abundance and fullness. It suggests that the energy Hexagram to perform or deal with the situation in question is already yours and you 00055 need only apply it to reap its reward.

56. Hagbard Celine "Never whistle while you're pissing."

This hexagram is the hexagram of the Wanderer. It implies a certain kind of Hexagram uprightedness, but suggests that at this time you associate only with good 00056 people. Forget the trivial, it does not apply here and will only muddy the waters. Big things are afoot.

57. Synchronicity The coincidental occurrence of events and especially psychic events (as similar thoughts in widely separated persons or a mental image of an unexpected event before it happens) that seem related but are not explained by conventional mechanisms of causality -- used Hexagram especially in the psychology of C. G. Jung

00057

This hexagram represents gentle but penetrating forces (like wind). It implies a series of small successes, and suggests that you find a great, wise man to discuss the situation with.

58. The Buddha

Hexagram 00058

This is what should be done By one who is skilled in goodness, And who knows the path to peace: Let them be able and upright, Straightforward and gentle in speech, Humble and not conceited, Contented and easily satisfied. Unburdened with duties, and frugal in their ways. Peaceful and calm, wise and skillful, Not proud and demanding in nature. Let them not do the slightest thing That the wise would later reprove.... ...By not holding to fixed views, The pure-hearted one, having clarity of vision, Being freed from all sense desires, Is not born again into this world." - Karaniya Metta Sutta (the sutta on loving kindness)

This hexagram represents joyousness, and a gentleness that rests on firmness and strength. It suggests contentment. If this is directly opposite from how you feel now, try to foster the gentleness described above.

59. KallistiCon Discordian (un)Convention(al)

This hexagram represents a dispersion or dissolution and suggests that you Hexagram try to bring together that which is seperated. It implies that it is time to take 00059 a step back and look at your situation.

60. Mornington Crescent - - - Not quite: given that all critical eigenstates are open, - - - a path to the absolute plane can be made, which satisfies Hexagram - - - it. (Check the rules.)

00060

- - Classic misunderstanding of Rushton's condition. It's only - - satisfied if the path passes through the majority of critical - - eigenstates - which is, as you say, easy to do - and *at - - least six* non-critical ones. This latter aspect of the - - condition is not satisfied, but it is not proven unsatisfiable - - either. - That's pre-Featherstonehaugh rules; it changed in 3154 to - eliminate the non-critical eigenstate requirement unless - the subject/object mapping is inverted (which is clearly - not the case here). and was promptly reverted by Rushton himself in 3192. we're not playing a game using exclusively those rules commonly used between 3155 and 3191, are we?

This hexagram refers to limitations and the need to limit (or destroy completely) limitations. Break barriers and strive to move the sticks forward and prevent stagnation or a situation that binds with rules. In the case of Mornington Crescent, we choose an example where limitations imposed can be broken fairly easily and without much thought at all.

61. The Pineal Gland THE PINEAL GLAND is where each and every one of us can talk to Eris. If you have trouble activating your Pineal, then try the appendix which does almost as well. Reference: DOGMA I, METAPHYSICS #3, "The Indoctrine of the Pineal Gland"

Hexagram 00061 This hexagram stands for inner truth and innate confidence in yourself and your abilities. If you feel confidence is something you are lacking, the hexagram suggests it is to be found in inner truth (and, hence, in the pineal gland).

62. Stick and Jab "Set goals that your child can achieve. Lots of small goals, which a child can reach one by one work better than one large goal." - Ambrose Bierce

Hexagram This hexagram represents the preponderance of the small, and therefore 00062 suggests that this is the time for small things to be done. Big things should not be attempted until their proper time.

63. Aneris Aneris swore that no matter how many existent things Eris brought forth, she would eventually find them and turn them into non-existent things for her own.

Hexagram This hexagram stands for chaos changing into order. As we all know this can 00063 be a very bad thing. The only salvagable aspect about this hexagram is that if all is order, there are many, many oppertunities for an enterprising

Discordian to have loads of fun trying to bring about Hexagram 64.

64. Eris Hail Eris! All Hail Discordia!

This hexagram stands for order changing into chaos. Every Discordian strives Hexagram for such a time - even though we know in our head that we need to find the 00064 Contented Chao, we know in our hearts that we have had enough order for our lifetime and are ready to see the pendulum swing the other way, even for a brief moment. But let's be honest. If the world was chaos for any length of time, and everyone else ascribed to it as religiously as they now do to order, what would we do?