Female Genital
From the book: "The Ciba Collection of Medical Illustrations: Volume 2, Reproductive System" Prepared by: Frank H. Netter, M.D. Edited by: Ernst Oppenheimer, M.D. Copyright 1954 and 1965 Ciba Pharmaceutical Company.
The complete photograph and annotations can be seen by clicking here. (Note: file size is 825K)
It appears that many if not most people are under the impression that the hymen is located within the vagina. It is, as the photographs and illustrations on this page reveal, part of the vulva, external genital organs. It is located outside the vagina. The hymen is a layer of tissue that partially conceals the vaginal orifice of some girls and women. The hymen is also referred to as a girl’s "cherry" or maidenhead.
During the early stages of fetal development there is no opening into the vagina. The layer of tissue that conceals the vagina at this time usually divides incompletely prior to birth. The size and shape of this opening or openings varies greatly from one girl to the next. There are girls who do not have a hymen at birth, as the tissue divides completely while they are still in the womb. Sometimes, this formation of an opening does not occur, resulting in an imperforated hymen. A doctor should examine an infant girl’s vulva soon after birth to ensure her hymen is not imperforated, as should a girl’s parents. (If menses is not permitted to flow freely from the body, extreme pain and cramping can result during menarche; a girl’s first menstrual period.)
The tissues of the vulva are generally very thin and delicate prior to puberty. Any activity that places tension on the vulvar tissues may stretch or tear the hymen. As a result, many girls and teens tear or otherwise dilate their hymen while engaging in physical activities such sports, horseback riding, inserting and removing tampons, and while masturbating. A girl may not know this has occurred, since there may be little or no blood loss or pain experienced during this event. It may also occur when she is too young to remember or understand what has occurred.
The presence or absence of a hymen in no way indicates a girl's virginal state. No one can determine by physical examination alone whether a woman or teen has engaged in vaginal intercourse. Only about 50% of teens and women experience bleeding the first time they have intercourse, so blood stained bed sheets are not a
reliable indicator of prior virginity. The hymen of some women tear on more than one occasion. There are even hymen that are elastic enough to permit a penis to enter without tearing, or tear only partially. This is usually true only if the dilation first occurs very gradually with fingers or other objects over an extended period of time. Virginity is a spiritual attribute, not a physical one.
The hymen does not magically disappear when something is inserted into the vagina, it will only stretch or tear sufficiently to permit entry of whatever is being inserted. If for example, a teen inserts two fingers into her vagina while masturbating, her hymen may still tear when she has vaginal intercourse for the first time, since the average penis is larger than her two fingers. A woman who has had vaginal intercourse may still have hymeneal tissue present; this remaining tissue can be the cause of pain during intercourse. If a woman's current partner has a larger penis than her prior partners, or a couple tries a new technique or position during intercourse, her hymen may tear again, or for the first time. When doctors examine preadolescent and adolescent girls for evidence of sexual abuse, they look for injuries to the hymen; the hymen may still be intact except for a single tear. Remnants of the hymen are usually present until a woman delivers a baby vaginally.
This woman has engaged in vaginal intercourse
There is no obvious hymeneal tissue visible in this picture
From the book "Masters and Johnson on Sex and Human Loving" Page 34. Copyright 1982,1985, 1986, By William H. Masters, M.D., Virginia E. Johnson, and Robert C. Kolodny
From the book "Pediatric and Adolescent Gynecology" Page 17 Copyright 1994 W. B. Saunders Company
Anatomy of the Vulva First a note about the illustrations contained on this web page. The shape and appearance of the female genitals vary considerably from one woman to the next. A woman's vulva is as unique in appearance as is her face. A person should not take the position that all women's genitals should look similar to those shown. Only a very small percentage of women will have genitals that look like those portrayed. I will use multiple illustrations to provide some indication of just how varied in appearance the vulva can be. Many of the illustrations are taken from life, most anatomy and sexuality books show what the author or illustrator felt was the correct or ideal shape. Few women's genitals are as symmetrical as those shown in these books. As such, they are usually inaccurate for the majority of women. Based on some anatomical illustrations, you have to wonder if the illustrator had ever actually seen the vulva of an adult woman, at least a living one.
Locating detailed descriptions of the anatomy and biology of the female sexual organs appears to be almost impossible. Almost every book I used as a reference, nearly ten, presented the same information, almost word for word. Each anatomical structure is usually described in a single sentence, or at most, a brief paragraph. The information published one hundred fifty years ago seems to be the basis for the information presented in books printed today. When new research is published, it is usually presented in medical journals, using medical terminology, which the average person cannot read or comprehend. This goes to show how little effort has gone into researching the anatomy and function of the female sexual organs.
The external female sexual organs, genitals, are collectively know as the Vulva. The vulva is comprised of many different anatomical structures and is much more complex than most people realize. The reason so many people have no idea as to the anatomy of the female genitals is that we as a society have reduced women's sexual anatomy down to nothing more than their vagina. We say girls and women have a 'vagina' instead of saying they have a 'vulva', which is both inappropriate and inaccurate. We have made the vagina the center of female sexuality when in fact, for the majority of women, their vulva is. Since most sex education classes are more about reproduction than sex, the anatomy of the female genitals is often times not taught in school. Reportedly, very few men can identify all the different parts of a vulva when shown a picture of one. I suspect the majority of women are just as unaware of their own anatomy. Hopefully the information presented below will help people to become more aware of female sexual anatomy, and as a result, increased numbers of women will find sex more enjoyable and satisfying.
From the book "Atlas of Human Sex Anatomy" by Robert Latou Dickinson M.D., F.A.C.S. Copyright 1949 The Williams & Wilkins Company.
The above illustration shows what the adult female genitals may look like when the labia majora are at rest, that is, not spread open. The visible structures are the, mons veneris, labia majora, pudendal cleft, perineum, and anus. While not depicted in this illustration, a significant percentage of women will have labia minora that are always visible as they project out between the labia majora. Sometimes the clitoris or clitoral hood is always visible as well. Illustrations showing vulvas with these characteristics can be found below and on the web page about clitoral and labial size. This illustration depicts what the illustrator, a doctor, determined was an average vulva, based on his research of European and North American women. The original is life size.
The black outline shows the placement of the pelvic bones that create the pelvic outlet, or birth canal.
The Mons Veneris is a pad of soft fatty tissue that covers the pubic bone. It is usually covered by a thick growth of hair after the onset of puberty. "Mons veneris" means "mound of Venus" in Latin. Venus was the name given to the Roman Goddess of love. Hence, "mons veneris" has come to mean, "Mountain of Love." It is so named because the fatty tissue located here is sensitive to estrogen, with the onset of puberty estrogen levels increase causing a distinct mound to form. It is often very visible when a woman is naked or wears tight clothing. It is thought to provide a protective cushion between the pubic bones of a woman and her partner during sexual intercourse, when penetration is from the front.
The vulva of preadolescent girls appears to be positioned farther forward than that of adult women, as you can see a greater percentage of their labia majora and pudendal cleft when they are standing. This gives you the impression that the vulva moves, rotates, backwards toward the anus during puberty. The vulva does not actually move. What happens is, the formation of this mound of fatty tissue causes the forward portion of the labia majora to be pushed out away from the pubic bone. When a woman in standing, this results in her labia majora being pushed downward, becoming parallel to the ground, and out of sight when viewed from the front. Women with very little body fat may not have a pronounced mons veneris, resulting in their vulva appearing to be located further forward than that of other women. The opposite is true of women with high concentrations of body fat. The position of the clitoris, and urethral and vaginal openings are defined by the bones of the pelvis.
The skin covering the mons veneris contains many nerve endings. As a result, a woman may enjoy having this area caressed, as well as having the hair that covers it stroked and tugged on gently.
Some women find they are able to experience orgasm when their mons veneris is massaged, or when they press it against a firm surface while masturbating. This is partly due to the clitoris being located beneath its lower boundary. A woman may find this area more sensitive to stimulation when it is clean-shaven, as the skin is no longer protected by a layer of hair.
The Labia Majora are two folds of skin, in some cases they are more like mounds than folds, that define the pudendal cleft, and conceal and protect the more delicate structures of the vulva. The front portion of each labia majora is usually thicker than the rear, tapering down and merging with the perineum. The above illustration shows each labia majora having this triangle shape.
The outer surfaces of the labia majora are sometimes of a different color than that of the surrounding tissue, and may be smooth or wrinkled in appearance. The skin may have the same wrinkled appearance as that of the male scrotum, their male counterpart. After the onset of puberty the outer surfaces are usually covered with hair. When a woman is sexually aroused, the labia majora may become bright red in color because of the increased blood flow to the area.
The inner surfaces are smooth and shiny. The skin on the inner surfaces is highly populated with oil and sweat producing glands, and nerve endings. The oil and sweat glands are responsible for the smooth shiny appearance and helping to keep the vulva clean and healthy. The color of the inner surfaces is often pink in color, but may be other colors as well, such as brown and blackish-brown. Between the inner and outer skin surfaces is a collection of fat and smooth muscle. Smooth muscles are those we do not have conscious control over.
The size and shape of the labia majora vary considerably from one woman to the next. The labia majora of young girls are usually flat and smooth, having the same color as that of the surrounding tissue. With the onset of puberty and the subsequent increase in body fat, the labia majora often times become more prominent. Women with low percentages of body fat may have small flat labia majora and women with high percentages of body fat may have well defined rounded labia majora.
The flat area between the pudendal cleft and the anus is called the Perineum. Some references state that the perineum is hairless, this is not true for all women. The skin of the perineum is populated by numerous nerve endings so some women may enjoy having this area caressed and massaged during sex. Anatomy references, versus sexuality references, say that the perineum extends from the anus up to the urethra, so there is some conflict in what actually constitutes the perineum.
The Anus is the opening into the rectum and lower intestine through which feces passes during a bowel movement. The anal tissues are rich with blood vessels and nerve endings. Many women find their anus to be very sensitive to stimulation. The sensitivity being the result of a protection mechanism intended to keep foreign objects out, to prevent injury and disease. Two sets of muscles encircle the anus just under the skin. The involuntary contraction of these muscles can make anal sex and intercourse painful or impossible. For many women their anus is an important part of their sexual anatomy, sometimes being even more sensitive than their clitoris and vagina.
The above illustration shows what the vulva of a virgin may look like when the labia are drawn open to expose the inner genital structures. The illustration shown below reveals what a woman's vulva may look like following pregnancy and vaginal delivery. The
visible structures in these illustrations are the, labia minora, prepuce, clitoral glans, frenum, vestibule, urethral meatus, vaginal introitus, fossa, fourchette, and hymen. They demonstrate how a woman's genitals may change in appearance throughout her live. There are several events in a woman's life that will likely affect the appearance of her vulva.
At birth an infant girl's vulva and breasts may appear to be swollen or enlarged. This is the result of her having been exposed to her mother's increased levels of hormones while in the womb. After a short period of time the girl's vulva, labia minora and majora, and breasts will shrink in size as the affects of the maternal hormones slowly wear off. At birth, a girl’s clitoris is proportionally larger than it is likely to be during the remainder of her life. From the time a girl is one year of age until about the age of eight her genitals should not undergo any significant change in appearance, other than growing in proportion to her body. If they do, a doctor should be consulted.
The next major changes to the vulva occur during puberty. The genital tissues are highly sensitive to hormones. As a girl's ovaries and other endocrine glands start producing increased levels of hormones, male and female, her vulva will likely undergo a major change. The thin tissues of the vulva will become thicker and more elastic. Their coloration is likely to change as well. The structures of her vulva are likely to become larger and more pronounced. This includes her labia majora and minora, as well as her clitoris and hymen. Since pubic hair also develops at this time, a girl may not be aware of all the changes that take place. Teaching your daughter to examine her genitals with a mirror at a young age will make her more comfortable with her vulva, and perhaps more aware of these changes.
Masturbation and non-penetrative sex can have a minor affect on the appearance of the female genitals. Since the average girl does not start masturbating until she is in her late teens, these changes
are not likely to occur until after puberty. When a girl or woman is sexually aroused her genitals fill with blood, resulting in their temporary increase in size. If the engorgement with blood occurs frequently, the affects of this engorgement may become permanent. As with all other organs of the body, the more you use it, the larger it becomes, to a point. Daily masturbation and/or sex play may result in a slight increase in the size of the erectile organs of the vulva, labia and clitoris. This is normal and healthy. A doctor will not be able to tell if a girl or woman masturbates, even if this does occur.
The appearance of the entrance to the vagina, introitus, is likely to change when a woman starts having vaginal intercourse, or inserts fingers or other objects into her vagina. Using tampons should not have any significant affects on the appearance of the vulva or vagina. If a woman has a hymen, depending on the force applied to it when objects are inserted into the vagina, it will either stretch or tear. Over time the hymen may slowly disappear as it is repeatedly stretched open. If a woman has a hymen, it usually does not disappear completely until she delivers a baby vaginally. As the vaginal entrance becomes more elastic, surrounding folds of tissue may become more developed. If the vaginal muscles become stronger and more developed this too is likely to change the appearance of the vulva. Of course if the vaginal muscles become weak or torn, this to will change the appearance of the vulva as well. If a woman's introduction to vaginal penetration is slow and gentle, the changes to her vulva are likely to be gradual and perhaps unnoticeable.
When a woman becomes pregnant, the blood supply to her reproductive and sexual organs becomes greatly increased in order that they may be able to support the developing baby. As a result, a woman's vulva may increase markedly in size, her labia and clitoris may become much larger. Blood vessels may become more prominent and visible. The sensitivity of her vulva may become greater, this can be pleasurable or irritating for her. When a woman delivers a baby vaginally, her vagina and vulva must
stretch to accommodate the baby’s head, 9.5cm (3 3/4 inches) across. This can result in tears to the vaginal opening, labia, and clitoris. A doctor may make an incision at the vaginal opening, an episiotomy, to prevent tearing of the vagina and vulva, the resulting scar tissue changes the appearance of the vulva. Some of the changes that occur during pregnancy and delivery are likely to be permanent.
The next major change to the vulva occurs during menopause. During this time period, the level of hormones in a woman's body decrease, and as a result, the tissues sensitive to hormones, the labia and clitoris, usually decreases in size, but not to their preadolescent size. The reverse of what occurred during puberty occurs during menopause. This can make sex more of a challenge, but does not necessarily eliminate the need or desire for it. If a woman continues to masturbate or engage in sex regularly, the changes are not as great, and sex is likely to be easier to accomplish and enjoy.
From the book "Atlas of Human Sex Anatomy" by Robert Latou Dickinson M.D., F.A.C.S. Copyright 1949 The Williams & Wilkins Company.
Perhaps the greatest variation between the vulvas of women occurs in the size and shape of their Labia Minora. The labia minora are also called Nymphae. While the name literally means 'minor lips', for many women, their labia minora are large and prominent. Much larger than what most anatomy and sexuality references portray or mention. In addition, the labia minora may not be totally concealed by the labia majora as the references also state. Many women who have explored their vulva have come to believe their vulva is
somehow deformed, because of the shape of their labia minora. The illustrations by Betty Dodson shown below reveal the normal variations in labial size and shape. There are women who do not have labia minora, or who only have one. While some women do have the heart shape labia typically shown in anatomy books, many if not most, do not.
The labia minora are made up of soft spongy erectile tissue containing a dense concentration of blood vessels, the same tissue as that which surrounds the urethra in the penis. The labia minora are populated by many oil-producing glands, but are devoid of fat cells. They are usually very elastic, as one illustration reveals below. During sexual arousal, blood collects in them, causing them to swell and increase in size, as well as change color.
While the labia minora have many nerve endings, their sensitivity to stimulation varies considerably between women. Some women find them totally insensitive to sexual stimulation, others find sexual stimulation of their labia minora very pleasurable. When they become irritated, by infection, frictional irritation, or chemical irritation, they can become quite painful.
From the book "Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving" by Betty Dodson. Copyright 1987, 1983, 1974 By Betty Dodson.
The illustrations shown above and below demonstrate the normal variations that occur in the size and shape of the vulva. They show the vulva of real women, women who posed for Ms. Dodson. As can be seen, the vulva comes in a multitude of shapes and sizes. No two are exactly alike. Each one is equally beautiful. For a woman to fully enjoy the pleasures of sex, she must love her vulva in its entirety. Betty's book is required reading for many reasons, these and other illustrations are just one of them.
From the book "Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving" by Betty Dodson. Copyright 1987, 1983, 1974 By Betty Dodson.
The Clitoris is a very complex and specialized organ. It has only one purpose, to give women sexual pleasure. It is as important to a woman, as is a penis to a man. The clitoris is formed from the same tissues as is a penis, and for the most part, functions the same as a penis. The only major difference between the two
appears to be that the female urethra does not pass all the way through the body of the clitoris. The tissue that transports urine and ejaculate through the penis is present though, in the form of the labia minora. While the average clitoris is smaller than a penis, some clitorises are just as large as a small penis. Many clitorises look very similar to a penis, which unfortunately makes some people feel uncomfortable.
Each labia minora attaches to the base of the clitoral glans. The point at which they attach is called the Frenum or Frenulum. The frenum indicates where the urethral outlet would have been located had the clitoris developed into a penis during fetal development. This attachment results in the clitoris being indirectly stimulated by the movement of the labia minora as the penis enters and exits the vagina during intercourse. For a small percentage of women, this stimulation is sufficient to produce an orgasm, when combined with the sensations caused by the penis caressing the vaginal wall. The frenum of the vulva and the frenum of the penis are not the same thing, "frenum" is simply the medical name for this type of anatomical structure. The tongue has a frenum as well, for example.
The labia minora also merge with the Prepuce or Hood. The prepuce covers the clitoral body and all or part of the clitoral glans. While the labia minora merge with the prepuce, they are not made of the same tissue. Unlike the second and third illustrations shown here, the prepuce usually conceals the clitoral glans unless it is manually retracted, but the clitoral glans of some women is always partially or completely exposed as shown. The prepuce protects the very delicate and sensitive clitoral glans from constant stimulation and irritation.
The information presented below on the prepuce is based on multiple articles about the prepuce of the penis. There is no detailed information available on the prepuce of the clitoris that I'm aware of. The information available on the prepuce of the penis is
often vague and confusing, and at times, contradicting. I've done my best to make sense of the information presented in my references.
The portion of the prepuce that covers the clitoral glans is just like the foreskin of the penis. It is comprised of two separate layers of skin, an outer layer that is an extension of the tissue along the body of the clitoris, and an inner layer made up of mucous membrane. During fetal development the prepuce and the glans are fused together, they are one. Sometime during late fetal development or childhood, both the glans and prepuce shed their outer layers of cells resulting in their separation. The shedding of these skin cells occurs throughout life, even after separation of the glans and prepuce. Glands on the underside of the prepuce, within the mucous membrane, produce enzymes that attack bacteria and protect the glans and prepuce from infection. There are also oilproducing glands located on areas of the clitoral glans that lubricate the glans and prepuce. These oil glands are less active in childhood than after puberty.
The shedding of skin cells and the production of oil and enzymes results in the formation of smegma. Smegma is a white cheesy substance that may have a strong odor, in the female it is reported to be 'fishy' in nature. Because of the restricted space between the glans and hood, the smegma may collect under the prepuce in the form of small 'pearls' or kernels. Smegma, because of the oil and enzymes does not pose a health risk. It is recommended that while the prepuce and glans are fused together, that only smegma that has seeped out from under the prepuce be washed away with plain water. At some point the prepuce and glans should separate as the result of the skin cell shedding, masturbation, bathing, and bike riding etc. After separation occurs, the prepuce should be retracted so the glans can be washed with plain water. The use of soap appears to increase the likelihood of infection. If the prepuce and glans do not fully separate or if an infection develops between the glans and prepuce, adhesions may develop between the two. Parents should not forcibly retract the hood of their daughter's clitoris while bathing her vulva.
The size of the prepuce varies considerably from one woman to the next. Its size is not necessarily based on the size of the clitoris. A short thin clitoris may have a long fleshy prepuce and a long thick clitoris may have a short thin prepuce. It is believed that most women can retract their prepuce far enough to expose all or part of their clitoral glans. Some women have a prepuce that is so long and/or has such a narrow opening that their clitoral glans is always hidden. A small percentage of women have reported that their long thick prepuce has prevented or impaired their ability to experience orgasm, so they had it surgically trimmed or removed. The process of trimming or removing the portion of the prepuce that covers the glans is called circumcision. It is rarely necessary as there is no evidence to show the size of a woman's prepuce has any bearing on her ability to experience orgasm. It is more a cosmetic procedure that may have psychological benefits for some women.
From the book "The New Sex Therapy" by Helen Singer Kaplan, M.D., Ph. D. Copyright 1974 By Helen Singer Kaplan, M.D., Ph. D.
The above illustration shows the entire clitoris with most of the surrounding tissues removed. The three main parts of the clitoris are shown, the Glans, Shaft, and Crura. Some feel the Vestibule Bulbs should be considered as part of the clitoris, referring instead to them as the "bulbs of the clitoris."
The clitoral glans is made up entirely of soft erectile tissue called corpus spongiosum. This is the same type of tissue that comprises the glans of the penis. When a woman experiences sexual arousal her glans fills with blood and becomes slightly larger, and usually more sensitive. It still remains soft to the touch even during sexual arousal, unlike the body of the clitoris. The surface of the glans is not covered with regular skin tissue, what is there is much like the mucous membrane of the adjoining prepuce. Tiny oil producing glands populate the surface of the glans, at least some areas of it. The oil they produce gives the glans its shiny appearance and allows the prepuce to glide effortlessly across the surface of the glans. If the glans dries out, undergoes cornification, it becomes dull and rough in appearance, as with a circumcised penis.
The average size of the non-erect glans is about 4 - 5mm ( 0.15 0.2in, a little less than a quarter inch ) in diameter, but ranges from 1 - 15mm ( 0.04 - 0.6in, a little more than half an inch ) in diameter. There is more information about the size of the clitoris on the page about clitoral and labial size.
The glans of the clitoris has just as many nerve endings as does the glans of the penis, just in a much smaller area. This results in the clitoris being extremely sensitive. The size of a clitoris does not determine how sensitive it is, as the number of nerve endings is reportedly always the same regardless of size. Many women find direct clitoral stimulation painful. There are a small percentage of women who cannot tolerate any form of clitoral stimulation, they experience intense pain not pleasure when it is touched, even indirectly. The prepuce serves to protect the glans from direct stimulation, and the natural oil present reduces the friction between the two. This is probably why women generally masturbate by massaging the prepuce rather than the clitoral glans. While the clitoris is usually very sensitive, some women report their clitoris is insensitive to stimulation. The cause of this is unknown, but it may be the result of disassociation from one's body, diseases or illnesses that attacks the nervous system, or lack
of use. The sensitivity of any sensory organ varies from one person to the next, the clitoris is no different.
The body and crura (crus singular) of the clitoris are made up of two cylindrical shaped structures comprised of erectile tissue called corpora cavernosa. This erectile tissue is enclosed in a dense fibrous network of tissue. The body is the portion of the clitoris that hangs downward from the pubic bone, to which the glans is attached. In the body of the clitoris, the two cavernous bodies are joined to one another along their common side and the surrounding tissue makes it appear as if there is only one erectile structure. At the point where the body meets the pubic bone, the two cylinders separate and conform to the shape of the pelvic bones, forming an inverted "V".
The size of the body of the clitoris varies from zero to about two inches. The size of the average clitoral body is about three quarters of an inch, making the average body and glans an inch in length. This is the portion of the clitoris you will be able to touch and feel with your fingers, beneath the prepuce. The crus are each about three inches in length making the average clitoris four inches in length; a lot bigger than most people realize.
Due to the erectile nature of the body of the clitoris, the clitoris is capable of projecting outward from the body, becoming erect, when blood collects in it during sexual arousal. Smooth muscles within the corpora cavernosa relax during sexual arousal allowing blood to pool within its chambers as the result of chemical stimulation by nitric oxide. The degree to which the clitoris projects outward is dependent on the size of clitoris, and on the elasticity of the connective tissues, chordee, that normally keep the clitoris pointed downward. When the clitoris becomes engorged with blood, it feels firm to the touch. If you lightly grasp the body of the clitoris as a woman becomes sexually aroused, you will likely feel her clitoris become firm and erect. For some women with small clitorises, the only way to locate the body of the clitoris within the
prepuce is by feeling it become erect while the surrounding tissues stays soft. A woman may be very aware of this change in her clitoris, and feel as if she has a "hard-on" because of its intensity.
Just prior to a woman experiencing orgasm an increased amount of blood collects in the body of the clitoris resulting in a firmer erection, which causes the glans to move upward toward the pubic bone. This gives the impression that the glans is retracting up under the prepuce when it is actually just straightening out as a result of the increased blood trapped within. Some incorrectly say this is protection mechanism of the exquisitely sensitive glans, saying the clitoris retracts to protect itself from direct stimulation that may be painful just prior to orgasm. The penis undergoes the same increased rigidity just prior to orgasm and it in no way protect the glans of the penis, it perhaps ensures the penis is at full length so the ejaculate is deposited as near the cervix as possible. Women who report experiencing waves of pleasure radiating outward from their clitoris during orgasm are perhaps feeling the pooled blood rapidly draining away from the clitoris in time with her orgasmic contractions.
The Bulbs of the Clitoris are two erectile bodies that attach to the body of the clitoris and lay beneath the labia minora. They are called "Bulbus Vestibuli" in the above illustration. The length of the bulbs varied from 3 - 7cm (1.2 - 2.75 inches) in one study. The bulbs of the clitoris correspond to the singular bulbus penis in the male. They are made up of the same erectile tissue as the clitoral glans, corpus spongiosum. These structures fill with blood during sexual arousal, but unfortunately it appears that no one knows for sure their exact function during sex and orgasm. Because of their erectile nature and location near the vagina, they may firm up the vaginal introitus in preparation for intercourse. A woman may also be aware of their firmness and congestion during sex.
The Vestibule is the triangle shaped area below the clitoris and above the vaginal introitus. The labia minora form the sides of the
triangle. The urethral meatus is located within this area of the vulva.
The Urethral Meatus is the opening into the urethra, through which urine, female ejaculate, and fluids from the paraurethral glands exit the body. The size and shape of the urethral opening varies considerably from one woman to the next. It may not be as large and prominent as shown above, though sometimes it is larger. The urethral meatus can be very sensitive to sexual stimulation, so sensitive in fact that a woman may mistake her urethral opening for her clitoris, if she does not visually examine her vulva, going solely by sensitivity. Some women masturbate by massaging the urethral meatus and by inserting objects into the urethra. Stimulating the urethra, through the vaginal wall, can result in female ejaculation and the release of fluids from the paraurethral glands.
The Vaginal Introitus forms the mouth of the vagina. It is incorrect to say "vaginal opening" because unless there is something inserted into the vagina, the vaginal passage is closed. One problem with some of the illustrations on this page, and in anatomy books in general, is that the vaginal opening is always shown as a dark area, in affect indicating a dark empty space, a cave of sorts. The walls of the vagina are normally in contact with one another, the vagina is a potential space, not an opening as usually shown and portrayed. As the illustrations and discussion above reveal, its appearance is dependent on several factors.
During the early stages of fetal development there is no opening into the vagina from outside the body. The thin tissue membrane that conceals the vaginal canal is called the Hymen. Usually at some point during fetal development this tissue divides, exposing the vagina to the outside world. When the opening forms, some or most of the concealing tissue remains. The tissue that still conceals the vaginal opening after birth is what we commonly refer to as the hymen. The opening(s) into the vagina come in many shapes,
illustrations showing the common variations can be found on the page about the hymen.
Sometimes the hymen does not separate during fetal development and a girl is born with an imperforated hymen, meaning there is no vaginal opening. A minor surgical procedure is required to create an opening in the hymen. If this opening does not exist prior to the onset of menstruation, menstrual fluid collects in the uterus and vagina resulting in severe abdominal pains and cramps until the fluid is drained.
Contrary to popular myth, the presence or absence of a hymen in no way indicates that a girl or women has or has not had vaginal intercourse. The hymen of some girls totally disappears prior to birth. The tissue of the hymen is very thin, it does not take much tension on the surrounding tissues to cause it to stretch open. Normal childhood activities like spreading the legs widely during gymnastics, riding a bicycle, playing on the jungle gym, and masturbating can result in the hymen disappearing prior to puberty. Later usage of tampons, and the insertion of fingers into the vagina may also stretch the hymen. Some hymen are elastic enough that when a penis is inserted slowly and gently, it may stretch versus tear, so that when the penis is removed, the hymen returns to it prior shape. It appears that about 50% of women experience bleeding when they first have intercourse. This explains the common practices of getting married while a girl is menstruating, inserting a fertilized bird's egg into the vagina, and the staining of the bed sheets with the blood from a chicken when proof of virginity was required.
The Fourchette is the area where the labia majora join together below the vaginal opening. It is the forward edge of the perineum.
The Fossa is the name given to the depression that exists between the perineum and hymen, below the vaginal opening.
Clitoral & Labial Size
Ladies, please take part in the following survey:
Genital Image Survey By Laura Berman, PhD Co-Medical Director, Newshe.com Director, Berman Center
Women Have Them Too! It may be hard for many to imagine why women should be concerned about the size and shape of their genitals. This is because we often do not envision women as having external genitals; everything is supposed to be inside their body and out of sight. Women have a vagina. This is what we are told in school and life. The fact that girls and women have a vulva is seldom mentioned. Only boys and men are supposed to have external genitals. What most people do not realize is women and girls do in fact have genitals that come in all shapes, colors, textures, and sizes.
As young girls, women may come to see their genitals as nothing more than a smooth dimple between their thighs. What is there is small, smooth, pink, and non-distinct. While the genitals of young girls do vary, they all look pretty much the same to the casual observer. (There are normal and healthy preadolescent girls who have very prominent labia and clitorises.) Young girls are not likely to know the vulva of their mother and other adult women often look much different from their own. Since pubic hair usually conceals the genitals of adult women, even if girls see adult women naked, they are likely to believe their genitals look the same. Not allowing girls to examine the genitals of their mother and other adult women, and by not permitting them to see pictures of vulvae can have a very negative affect on their self-image later in life.
Puberty: The Time of Change During puberty a girl's genitals can undergo a major transformation. Before puberty the skin of the vulva is thin, and is easily injured and irritated. Even before noticeable breast
development the tissues of the vulva start responding to increased hormonal levels by becoming thicker and larger. During puberty a girl's inner and outer labia, hood, clitoris, and hymen often increase markedly in size. Not only may the size of a girl's genitals change, but also their shape, color, and texture. Since pubic hair also starts growing at this time girls are less likely to be aware of these changes unless they go looking with a mirror or notice while exploring with their fingers. Even if a girl bathes with other girls she is not likely to be aware that they too have experienced the same changes. Girls and women after all are not usually permitted to play genital show and tell; mutual exploration is not unusual among young girls. (Girls and women usually glance at the genitals of other girls and women when they have the opportunity, because of natural curiosity.) Following puberty, a girl's genitals may look nothing like they did during childhood.
If teenagers and women examine their genitals they may become concerned about these changes, feeling strange and perverse. They may feel they have deformed their genitals while masturbating, and as a result everyone who sees their genitals will know they masturbate. They may feel they are being punished for having sexual thoughts. It is for these reasons that girls and young teenagers should be made aware of these changes. They should know these changes are normal and necessary, to help improve their self-image. You do not want them to feel a need to hide their genitals.
Exploring Forbidden Territory In years past women would never think of looking at or even touching their genitals. This was strictly the responsibility of a doctor. Their own genitals were off limits. Today, women are more comfortable with their bodies and are more likely to explore their genitals. When they explore their genitals they may not be happy with what they find. Women usually have an unrealistic expectation of how their genitals should look. Most anatomy books portray the female genitals as small and uniform. If the illustrations are in color, the vulva is usually shown as being uniformly pink. As a result, it is reasonable to believe that many women feel uncomfortable with the appearance of their genitals even if they feel comfortable about looking at them. This may have major repercussions on their sexuality. We tend to hide that which we are ashamed of and embarrassed by.
Since so many women do view their genitals with some degree of shame, they feel very uncomfortable with the idea of looking at photographs of other women's genitals. They feel such pictures, and people looking at them, are inappropriate. The truth is, these photographs hold the key to helping women come to appreciate and understand the normal diversity of the female genitals. A woman can spend all day in a woman's locker room and never see a single vulva, as pubic hair usually conceals them from view. The only means most heterosexual women have of seeing other women's genitals is through photographs and video, because women are not likely to compare their genitals with their friends.
Wings of a Butterfly The area that seems to concern many women is the shape, size, and color of their inner labia, labia minora. For many women, their inner lips are larger than their outer lips, labia majora. Many if not most women do not have the simple heart shaped labia shown in popular texts. The color of their labia may be brown or black, not pink. They may be thick and wrinkled versus thin and smooth. As the photographs and illustrations on this page clearly show, the inner labia come in a multitude of normal sizes and shapes. These photographs and illustrations more accurately demonstrate the natural diversity than perhaps any other source. Popular men's magazines do not usually show such diversity.
The concern over labial size and shape is perhaps greater for women of non-Caucasian races as most anatomy books are based on Caucasian ideals. Women and doctors are not likely to be aware of the fact that girls and women of one racial group originating in South Africa normally have distinctive labia minora that project up to four inches passed the labia majora. These girls and women may be seen as deformed, by themselves and their doctor. There appears to be an example of this on Dr. Alter's website. Labia that project beyond the outer labia are common and normal in all races of women, but it is not as common, being almost universal, as it is in these African girls and women. The amount of projection for all races of women can be up to a couple of inches when the labia are at rest, or more when the labia are spread open.
Rubber Girl! The inner labia can be modified, as they have nothing in their structure to maintain their size and shape if they are distorted for any length of time. They are often very elastic and easy to stretch. Their internal structure is much like a sponge. If a woman happens to masturbate by pulling on her inner labia, she can cause them to become longer and thicker. A rare few actually desire larger inner labia and pull on them regularly, causing this result. Some have achieved this by piercing their inner labia and hanging small weights from inserted jewelry. Contrary to popular believe most girls or women's masturbation practices will not change the shape of their genitals, at least drastically. If a woman masturbates regularly she may develop larger blood vessels and erectile tissues, which will result in slightly larger genital structures. This is an indication of health not disease. Having large genital structures is not an indication of masturbation as some claim.
Mine are Bigger than Yours! In some cultures, women with large inner labia were/are considered very attractive so girls and women took to the habit of intentionally making them larger. They may have started the
practice as very young girls and continued it into adulthood. They often employed ritual masturbation, sometimes mutual, in pairs and groups. Some used a handful of grass to allow for a better grip on their labia. Others wrapped their labia around a piece of animal horn or a small stick. They also applied naturally occurring irritants to cause the labia to swell and increase in size. Others used symbolism, like applying the ashes of burned bat wings to their labia. In these societies labia minora four to six inches (10-15cm) in length were considered most desirable. These practices shocked the early European explores, who were often representatives of European religions, and were quickly eradicated or driven underground.
Estrogen Sensitivity The labia minora are very sensitive to estrogen and exposure to increased levels can result in their enlargement and increased sensitivity. This may occur during pregnancy. This can become a very uncomfortable condition requiring a doctor's attention. Prescription drugs and creams can cause this. Most large labia occur as the result of genetics, not environmental causes.
How Big? Dickinson reports having examined a woman's labia minora that measured 7.5cm (3 inches) each, 15cm (6 inches) tip to tip, when spread open, and achieved a length of almost 11.5cm (4.5 inches), 23cm (9 inches) tip to tip, when placed under moderate force. He further reports 5 cases that measured between 5 and 7.5cm (2-3 inches) when spread open. See the illustrations shown at the bottom of the page.
Size of the Labia Minora Based on examinations of 2,981 women Length
Number of Percentage Women
0-2cm (0-3/4in)
2,613
87.7
2cm (3/4in)
146
4.9
3cm (1 1/4in)
170
5.7
4-5cm (1 1/2-2in) 32
1.1
5-6cm (2-2 1/3in) 20
0.7
As gathered by Bergh, presented by Dickinson.
Women Aren’t Supposed to Have One of Those! It may shock many to learn that some normal and healthy genetic females have a penis, or at least a clitoris that looks like a penis. Actually, all females have a penis; we just prefer to call their penis a clitoris. While some object to this analogy, it is accurate from a sexual and biological perspective. A penis and clitoris are made up of the same tissues and function the same because they develop from the same fetal structure. In males, the penis is usually exposed to increased levels of androgens, one of which is testosterone, in the womb. This results in males having a more visible penis, but not necessarily a larger one. During part of their time in the womb, all females also have a very large clitoris, in proportion to the rest of their body, because of the sequence in which things develop. In the end, having a penis is not the sole privilege of men and boys, despite what society may dictate.
What a Cute Baby ??? As a result of genetics or having been exposed to increased androgens in the womb, some infant girls are born with a clitoris that looks much like a "penis," often to the dismay or embarrassment of her parents; not to mention the medical personnel. It is important to keep in mind she is still a normal and healthy "girl." She is not deformed or imperfect. Instead of reassuring the girl's parents that she is perfectly normal, doctors often cut the girl's clitoris off or surgically reduce its size, on the premise of correcting a mistake by nature. This is supposed to result in the girl growing up to be a normal and healthy adult woman, one who does not question her sexual identity. The truth is, even if her large clitoris is removed, she may still question her biological sex, as biological sex is the result of hormonal and genetic imprinting. If she is actually a he, cutting off her "penis" will not change her true sex. A person's physical appearance may have no bearing on their true sex or sexual orientation, since male and female are physically slightly different versions of the same thing. A girl or woman may question the gender or gender role assigned her by society regardless of how her body looks. Parents should not consent to cosmetic surgery on or frequent examinations of the genitals of their children, of either sex. If there are no medical problems, there are no problems.
More than Meets the Eye! The only real difference between a clitoris and penis is the average size of the portion we can see with our naked eyes. Three fourths of the clitoris is hidden from view. The average clitoris is about four inches in length, the same as a flaccid penis. Illustrations in the Anatomy area reveal the true size of the clitoris. The only other difference between the two is that the urethra of the clitoris does not extend all the way to the tip of the glans, as is the case even with some penises!
Measuring Up! The visible portion of the clitoris of some girls and women measures up to about 2 1/2 inches (6.3cm) in length and nearly 1 inch (2.5cm) in diameter. When they are of this size, they look just like a penis. The only difference being a groove along the bottom side of the clitoris, where the urethra would be located on a penis. While urine may not travel out the tip of these large clitorises, they do look and function like a penis. These women, as well as women in general, are capable of experiencing erections, the sensation of having a "hard-on," producing ejaculate in their paraurethral glands, and even ejaculating. Women with large clitorises are even able to engage in intercourse, by inserting their clitoris into their partner's vagina or anus.
While the average clitoris is much smaller in size, it works just as well. The average clitoral glans is about one-quarter of an inch (6mm) in diameter and the body of the clitoris is three-quarters of an inch (19mm) in length. The portion of the clitoris that projects out from the pubic bone, and can be felt with your fingers, is then one inch in length (25mm) and a quarter of an inch in diameter.
There are clitorises that are very small and hard to locate within the folds of the labia and hood. Others are completely hidden under their hood and cannot be seen, but may be felt. Regardless of size, clitorises are capable of giving women intense pleasure.
Will It Get Bigger? The structure of the clitoris does not lend itself to change easily, as the result of mechanical forces. The masturbation habits of most women are not likely to affect the size of their clitoris, other than perhaps causing a slight increase in its size do to better blood circulation if they masturbate on a regular basis. Again, a sign of health not disease. Using unusual force, such as drawing increased amounts of blood into the clitoris with a vacuum pump on a frequent basis, can result in an increase in size as the vascular structures are slowly stretched and enlarged to accommodate the additional blood. There probably are not too many women who do this, but with the advent of the Internet this may change. Since the intial writing of this article, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has approved a clit pump for the treatment of female sexual dysfunction.
Idolized Clitorises There are some references that indicate a large clitoris was also considered attractive among some cultures, so again girls and women engaged in practices to cause this result. The validity of these claims is somewhat in doubt, but seem likely. It is not known whether the clitoris was actually enlarged by these practices or if the clitoris was more pronounced as the result of increased mobility caused by the stretching of the connective tissues. The clitorises of these women may have been more visible versus larger.
Androgen Sensitivity The clitoris is very sensitive to androgens like testosterone. Prescription and non-prescription steroidal drugs can cause a woman's clitoris to increase in size. Some clitorises achieve a maximum length of about 2 1/2 inches (6.3cm), if steroids are taken for an extended period of time and depending on the age of the woman. Female athletes who take steroids to increase muscles mass and strength often experience this side affect. As do female to male transsexuals. Sometimes steroids are prescribed to treat other medical conditions, like lack of libido, causing this result, but usually to a lesser degree. The vast majorities of large clitorises are the result of genetics, not drugs as some presume, believing a giant sized clitoris cannot be natural.
Penis Envy? While there is no evidence to support the claim that a bigger clitoris functions better, a few women do have a form of penis
envy. As more women are learning that their clitoris is much like a small penis and capable of being much larger, some are expressing a desire to enlarge their clitoris. Perhaps in hopes that if it were larger it would function better and be easier for their partner and themselves to find and stimulate. A few women may even desire a little penis of their own, even if they are happy being a feminine woman. In addition, if a woman feels better about the size of her clitoris, she is likely to be more sexual and more sexually responsive having acquired a larger clitoris, or even a smaller one. Our brains are our largest sexual organ after all. It is important to keep in mind the brain plays a larger part in female sexual pleasure than does the clitoris, regardless of the size of the clitoris. At this time, I am not aware of any safe and proven ways of making the clitoris larger that does not expose a woman to undesired side affects.
One Woman's Comments: Thank you for the honest information about labial sizes & the photos on your site. I went on the web looking for something like this. I have always been acutely self-conscious about my labia minora, as they are about 3 cm [1.25 in] long & as far as I had ever seen, no other woman I knew of looked like this. I thought I was ugly and was very embarrassed. In high school I hated showering where anyone could see me, and felt a lot of anxiety about this whole area of my body. Even as a married woman I have repeatedly asked my husband if I am ugly, if he thinks it is disgusting etc. When I asked my doctor about it, she dismissed my interest and just said it looks normal. But as you say on the site, all the books with diagrams etc. look nothing like me, so I couldn't see how I could be normal. My daughter is now six and I have noticed that her labia seem to be developing similar to my own. I thought "oh no!" Then I realized I should get some facts. I wanted information to share with her so
she would understand her body and why it is built the way it is. I didn't want her to go through the same anxieties I did. I am thrilled to find your site. Thank you for putting this info out there.
The following illustrations and charts demonstrate just how varied the female genitals are. Clitoral Size
Labial Size and Shape
The illustrations on this page are just a small sampling of those in the book "Atlas of Human Sex Anatomy" by Robert Latou Dickinson M.D., F.A.C.S. Copyright 1949 The Williams & Wilkins Company. Reprinted by the Robert E. Krieger Publishing Company. It appears to be the only book of its kind in existence, a book documenting the vast diversity of human sexual anatomy.
Female Body Fluids This page will be used to present information about the different body fluids that a woman's body produces during sexual activities, or that play a part in these activities.
Vaginal Secretions From the book The RE/Search Guide to Body Fluids by Paul Spinrad. Copyright 1994 by RE/Search Publications ISBN 0-940642-28-X
"Vaginal secretions contain many things, including sweat, sebum, and secretions from Bartholin's and Skene's glands at the vulva, endometrial, and oviductal fluids (which change with the menstrual cycle), cervical mucus, exfoliated cells, and secretions of the vaginal walls themselves, which increase with sexual arousal. All women’s vaginal secretions include pyridine, squalene, urea, acetic acid, lactic acid, complex alcohols (including cholestrol), glycols (including propylene glycol) ketones, and aldehydes. But a more detailed chemistry of the acids in vaginal secretions separates women into two groups. All women produce acetic acid,
but one third of them produce short-chain aliphatic acids as well. The short-chain aliphatic acids, which include acetic, propionic, isovaleric, isobutyric, propanoic, and butanoic acids, are a pungent class of chemicals which other primate species produce as sexualolfactory signals. Although no one has yet proven the acids’ role in the mating behavior of humans, some researchers have referred to them [as] “copulins” and “human pheromones.” Like the volatile acids produced on the skin, the vagina’s aliphatic acids come from the metabolic processes of resident bacteria, including Lactobacilli, Streptococci, and Staphylococci. For all women, the acid content varies with the menstrual cycle, rising from day one after menstruation and peaking mid-cycle, just before ovulation. The amounts vary more dramatically in the acid producers, however, and one study, whose authors describe their subjects as “young, healthy, and members of the socioeconomic class that attends a privately endowed university,” determined that people can reliably smell changes in an acid-producing woman’s vaginal secretions over the course of her cycle, but not in the secretions of non-acid producers. "
Click on each of the four circles in this illustration to see illustrations showing the sources of vaginal fluids.
From the book A New View of a Woman's Body Copyright 1981, The Federation of Feminist Women's Health Centers Illustrated By: Suzann Gage, L Ac, RNC, NP ISBN 0-9629945-0-2 Pbk. Available from Barnes & Noble $19.95US
Sebum From the book The RE/Search Guide to Body Fluids by Paul Spinrad. Copyright 1994 by RE/Search Publications ISBN 0-940642-28-X
"Sebum, skin oil, functions to reduce moisture loss through our skin, protect it from infection, and lubricate it in contact areas. It also makes hair shiny and waterproof and helps generate scents. Sebaceous glands occur all over the skin, except for the palms and soles, and are largest and most numerous on the back, forehead, face, ears, genitals, and anal region. Most connect to hair follicles,
but some, such as the Meibomian glands (in the eyelids), Tyson’s glands (in the foreskin), and the sebaceous glands around the nipples and along the edge of the upper lip, empty directly onto the surface of the skin. On some people, you can see the ones along the lip as pale yellow specks, or “Fordyce’s spots.” Sebum consists of 57.5% glycerides and free fatty acids, 26% wax esters, 12% squalene, 3% cholesterol esters, and 1.5% cholesterol, but despite its fatty waxy content, sebum production does not correlate with dietary fat intake. However, it does correlate with levels of testosterone and other androgens. Men produce more sebum than women and prepubertal boys, and uncastrated men produce more than eunuchs. Male sebum production increases fivefold during puberty, causing acne. But interestingly, newborns secrete sebum at adult levels for a short time after birth, and women secrete greater amounts during pregnancy and lactation."
Body Odors From the book The RE/Search Guide to Body Fluids by Paul Spinrad. Copyright 1994 by RE/Search Publications ISBN 0-940642-28-X
"Body surface odors come from microbial breakdown of sweat, sebum, and scaled-off skin cells. Different bacterial digest these materials into different sets of chemicals. Meanwhile, the mixture of bacteria species varies over different body regions. As a result, the odor-determining chemical mixtures produced on the skin of different parts of the body also vary. "Especially strong scents will come from any areas where these desquamated epithelial cells can build up, such as on scalps, under toes-nails, in navels, and under foreskins. In these places, the bacteria have a feast, generating hefty quantities of local odorants. " "Substances such as smegma and toe cheese, then, are a mixture of skin secretions and dead cells, along with the bacteria that lives
off of them and the cheesy, cabbage-y, and fishy-selling waste products they produce as a result."
Sweat From the book The RE/Search Guide to Body Fluids by Paul Spinrad. Copyright 1994 by RE/Search Publications ISBN 0-940642-28-X
"The adult body contains from two to four million sweat glands, at densities of around one to two hundred per square centimeter of skin. Together, they typically put out from one to three quarts of perspiration per day, although a day of exertion and thirstquenching in the heat can make a body sweat out fifteen quarts or more." "Most of our sweat glands are eccrine glands, the salt-retaining cooling sweat glands, most prevalent on the back, chest, forehead, palms, and soles. But we have another, older type of sweat gland, apocrine, which helps produce scents used for personal identification and mating. These scent glands concentrate most highly in the underarms, but also surround the nipples, genitals, and anus, and as many have noticed, they respond to stress. Apocrine sweat contains an odor resembling musk, a substance secreted as a scent by deer and other animals and used in perfume. This has led some observers to remark that our toilet ritual has us wash away our own sweat and substitute the sweat of deer. An experiment conducted at International Flavors and Fragrances in New York showed that women who sniff musk develop shorter menstrual cycles, ovulate more often, and conceive more easily." "Apocrine sweat has no odor when it arrives on the skin surface, but it is immediately broken down by bacteria, including Staphylococcus epidermis (the most prevalent), S. saprophyticus (more prevalent in winter), S. aureus (more prevalent in summer), Escherichia coli, and various species of Corynebacteria, Brevibacteria, Propionibacteria (more prevalent in men), Enterobacter, Klebsiella, and Proteus. These flora generate compounds such as androstenone ("stale urine" smell), androstenol
(nice "musky" odor), and isovaleric acid (sweaty or "goatlike" smell)."
Caution! Despite what ads tell us on television and in print, the bacteria present on our skin is most often beneficial. By using antibacterial soaps and the like you kill not only potentially harmful bacteria but also beneficial ones. Some doctors are concerned that we will decrease our resistance to many diseases if our body becomes unaccustomed to fighting off other less harmful strains. The vulva and vagina are home to a delicate balance between good and bad bacteria, killing off the good bacteria actually increases your chances for yeast infections, etc. Be aware of exactly what you put on your body, especially your vulva and vagina. Your body is quite capable of caring for itself if it is permitted to.
Definitions Endometrial: Pertaining to the mucus lining of the uterus. The inner most layer. Oviductal: Pertaining to the fallopian tubes. Exfoliated: Dead skin cells that have flaked off the surface of the skin. Sebaceous Glands: Oil producing glands that populate the surfaces of the skin. Androgens: A group of hormones associated with male secondary sexual characteristics. Desquamated: The process by which the outer layer of skin cells are shed. Epithelial: The outer layer of skin that covers the body. Eccrine: Oil producing glands that open directly out onto the surface of the skin.
Apocrine: Oil producing glands that populate the hair covered areas of the body; they become active during puberty. They are located at the base of hair follicles. Responsible for the strong odors associated with sweating.
Anatomy of the Breast
These photographs reveal how important breast-feeding is to our children.
Introduction Despite the amount of attention the female breasts receive, it is interesting that there is so little information available on their anatomy and functionality. I had to search through several references to find one that went into any detail when addressing these topics. Surprisingly, books you would expect to cover these topics had little to offer. A book about breast-feeding contained little, and several books on breast cancer did not address these topics at all. This is perhaps because the female breasts have come to serve a purpose in American society other than what they are intended, which is, providing nourishment, emotional and physical contentment, and protection from disease for our children. Unfortunately, the most detailed reference appeared to be in a book discussing plastic surgery of the breast!
Anatomy Each breast is made up of fifteen to twenty lobes of glandular tissue. The number of lobes is not related to the size of the breast. Each lobe is made up of thousands of tiny glands called alveoli or acini. These glands are connected together by a series of ducts, much like grapes on a vine. The alveoli (alveolus and acinus singular) produce milk and other substances during lactation. Each lobe feeds into a single lactiferous duct that travels out through the nipple. As a result there are fifteen to twenty passages through the nipple, resulting in just as many openings in the nipple. Behind the nipple the lactiferous ducts enlarge slightly to form small reservoirs called lactiferous sinuses. Each sinus is 2-4mm (0.08-0.16in) in diameter. Fatty and connective tissues surround the lobes of glandular tissue. The amount of fatty tissue is depended on many factors including age, percentage of body fat, and heredity.
Cooper's ligaments connect the chest wall to the skin of the breast, giving the breast its shape and elasticity.
From the book The Johns Hopkins Atlas of Human Functional Anatomy Fourth Edition Copyright 1977,1980, 1986, 1997 The Johns Hopkins University Press Edited By: George D. Zuidema, M.D. ISBN 0-8018-5651-5 ISBN 0-8018-5652-3 Pbk.
The nipple and areola are located near the center of each breast. They most often have a color and texture that is different from that of the surrounding skin. Their color varies from very pale pink to black, and darkens during pregnancy and lactation. Their texture can vary between very smooth to wrinkled and bumpy. The nipple usually projects outward from the surface of the breast. The areola is the like pigmented area surrounding the nipple. The size of both varies considerably from woman to woman, and some size variation is normal from breast to breast on the same women. The nipple and areola are composed of smooth muscle fibers and a dense network of nerve endings. The nipples become erect as the result of muscular contractions, not blood engorgement. Erect nipples are not by themselves an indication of sexual arousal. The nipples may become erect as a result of many forms of stimulation that are not sexual in nature, and a woman's nipples may not be erect when she is sexually aroused. The area of the areola is populated by several oil producing Montgomery's glands. These glands may form raised bumps and be sensitive to a woman's menstrual cycle. These glands act to protect and lubricate the nipple during lactation. Some nipples project inward or are flat with the surface of the breast. The later are referred to as inverted nipples and neither condition appears to negatively impact a woman's ability to breast-feed.
From the book A New View of a Woman's Body Copyright 1981, The Federation of Feminist Women's Health Centers Illustrated By: Suzann Gage, L Ac, RNC, NP ISBN 0-9629945-0-2 Pbk.
Lactation While pregnancy prepares the breasts for lactation, it does not trigger the production of milk. During pregnancy the breasts usually become larger as the number and size of the alveoli glands increases as a result of increased estrogen levels. It is not until an infant has been nursing for a couple days that actual milk production begins. For the first couple of days the breasts release colostrum, which is important to a baby's health. When a baby starts suckling on a woman's nipple, the resulting physical stimulation causes nerve impulses to be sent to the hypothalamus gland in the brain which in turn tells the pituitary gland, also located in the brain, to release two hormones called oxytocin and
prolactin. Prolactin causes milk to be produced and oxytocin causes muscle fibers that surround the alveoli to constrict, as well as the muscles of the uterus. When the muscle fibers around the alveoli constrict causing milk to be secreted it is referred to as "let-down" and can result in intense sensations within the breasts and the squirting of milk from the nipples. The sound of a crying baby can also trigger let-down, indicating how milk production is influenced by psychological and environmental conditions as well as actual nursing. Between feedings some milk, foremilk, is stored in the alveoli and lactiferous sinuses but the majority of the milk, hindmilk, is produced on demand. The breasts do not store milk, but rather produce it based on demand. The greater the demand, the more they produce. The breasts should never be compared to milk bottles!
From the book A New View of a Woman's Body Copyright 1981, The Federation of Feminist Women's Health Centers Illustrated By: Suzann Gage, L Ac, RNC, NP ISBN 0-9629945-0-2 Pbk.
Sexual Versus Maternal You may wonder why I have explained how the breasts produce milk before addressing their functioning during sex, since this is a website about sexuality. Believe it or not, I have explained the functioning of the breasts during sex in the process. It is common today to say the female breasts have two functions or roles in a woman's life, one is sexual and the other is maternal. This is not an
accurate statement to make as the breasts work the same during sex and lactation. It is the breast's ability to feed our children that makes them capable of producing sexual pleasure.
There is no magic switch that changes the role of the breasts from sexual to maternal. I realize many women, and men, believe there is, but there definitely is not. This belief has resulted in women being at odds with, and at times embarrassed by, their breasts. When a woman nurses her baby she expects her breasts to respond and feel "different" from when her partner sexually stimulates her. She may not expect to feel "sexual" pleasure when her baby nurses even though this is often the case. If you acknowledge the breasts have only one function or role in a woman's life, it will be easier to understand their role and function during sex and lactation.
Why are the nipples so often very sensitive to touch? The likely answer is, to reward a mother for nursing her children. Nature has built in a means of positive reinforcement that encourages women to breast-feed their children. It may not be instinct alone that compels women to care for their children. In addition, the uterine contractions resulting from nipple stimulation serve to cause the uterus to shrink rapidly in size, perhaps allowing the mother to be better prepared to care for and protect her newborn baby. It just so happens that orgasms also involve uterine contractions. The connection between nipple stimulation, sexual arousal, and orgasm some women experience is no accident and its primary purpose is not sexual, even though that is how it frequently benefits a woman. Keep in mind it is society that has defined it as sexual versus maternal. There is a reason for why our body functions as it does, that reason is not always in agreement with what society expects of it.
A study by Masters and Johnson found amongst a group of twenty four women who nursed their baby for at least two months, their desire for sex returned at a faster rate than it did for the women
who did not, they often experienced sexual arousal to the plateau stage, and three experienced orgasm while nursing. As mentioned above, the let-down reflex can cause some pretty intense sensations and there is the aforementioned chemical and electrical connection between the nipples and uterus.
Society Conflicting with Biology Unfortunately, at least one American woman has ended up in jail as a result of admitting to experiencing "sexual" sensations while nursing her baby. She called a "help-line" to find out if she was "normal" and found herself in jail and her baby taken from her instead. While the woman did eventually regain her freedom and custody of her baby, it was very traumatizing for them both I'm sure. A woman mentioned to me several years ago how her baby daughter was having trouble nursing. She attributed this difficulty with the baby girl perhaps becoming aware that female-female intimacy was considered inappropriate. I have to wonder if it was not actually the mother who was uncomfortable with the sexual sensations she was experiencing while nursing her "daughter" that caused the difficulties. This illustrates how people's misconceptions regarding women's breasts are having a significant and negative impact on women's lives, and as a result their children's.
Sensitivity The sensitivity of a woman's breasts to stimulation varies considerably from one woman to the next. There are women who find their breasts extremely sensitive to their own and/or a lover's touch, while just as many do not experience any pleasant sensations at all. The reasons for this are thought to be both physiological and psychological in nature. Some women have more sensory nerve endings located in their nipples and breasts than
others. A woman's relationship with her breasts also has an influence on their perceived sensitivity. If she likes her breasts and has a positive relationship with them she is more open to the physical sensations they produce. As a result she is likely to perceive those sensations in a positive manner. If a woman does not like her breasts, for whatever reason, she is less open to and hence less aware of any sensations they may produce. If she is aware of any sensations she is less likely to perceive them as pleasurable. A woman's menstrual cycle often influences the sensitivity of her breasts, many experience periods of breast tenderness that makes any sexual stimulation unbearable. The sensitivity of the breasts to stimulation may flip-flop during pregnancy and nursing because of physical and physiological changes a woman experiences during this time. A mother may experience orgasm while her baby nurses yet finds her breasts are insensitive to her partner's stimulation fifteen minutes later, or vise versa. As a result, there is no one rule that applies to all women regarding breast sensitivity.
The connection between breast stimulation, sexual arousal, and genital sensations some women experience is the result of the electrical and chemical connections mentioned above. These chemicals are released during nipple stimulation regardless of whether a teen or woman has ever been pregnant or nursed before. This is demonstrated by the fact that some women's breasts always produce a little bit of milk, starting at puberty, and by women who breast-feed adopted babies. If a woman engages in frequent nipple stimulation, simulating having a newborn baby nursing at her breast, she will likely start to lactate. A woman does not have to find her breasts sensitive to stimulation for this to occur. Some of our physical responses are hard wired and out of our control.
Breast Size and Sensitivity
The size of a woman's breasts has no bearing on whether she enjoys having them sexually stimulated. Since breasts have become sexual objects in Western society, large breasts have become symbols of greater sexuality. A woman with large breasts is often seen as being more sexual than a woman with small breasts, and she is expected to be inherently more sexual as a result. Unfortunately, women with small breasts may have them overlooked by their partner because of this false expectation, and women with large breasts may find their breasts receiving too much attention. Despite this expectation, large breasts are not more likely to be sensitive to sexual stimulation; recent studies have found women with large breasts have less nipple and breast sensation than women with small breasts, perhaps because the nerve endings are distributed over a larger area. Keep in mind that a woman's emotional relationship with her breasts probably plays a larger part in whether she "enjoys" having them stimulated than their actual sensitivity to physical stimulation. A woman's partner should be careful not to judge her breast's sensitivity, or her enjoyment of breast stimulation, based solely on their size.
Stimulating a Woman's Breasts How do you stimulate a woman's breasts and nipples? That depends on the individual woman but gently is perhaps the best way. Women often enjoy having their breasts lavished with love, which means gentle licks, nibbles, and caresses with lips, tongue, and fingers. Stimulate her entire breast, not just the nipple. Take your time. Get some body lotion or oil and massage it into her breasts. Her genitals may respond to breast stimulation, if they do, it is a good way to prolong sexual pleasure. While she is not likely to experience orgasm as the result of breast stimulation alone, it may be intensely enjoyable for her. Be aware of her menstrual cycle if she experiences breast tenderness. (Keeping a menstrual calendar is a good idea for women who need to keep their partner informed of cyclic changes in their body.) Be aware that there are women who need clitoral and nipple stimulation simultaneously in order to experience orgasm.
There are women who enjoy intense if not painful breast stimulation, but such stimulation needs to be discussed prior to trying it. This enjoyment of intense stimulation may have more to do with the release of the hormones oxytocin and prolactin than with an enjoyment of pain itself. Hormones released during sex often increase a person's pain tolerance though. Intense stimulation of her nipples may result in a surge in the production of these hormones that may have a significant affect on her genitals. Some women discover they like for their breasts to be treated roughly while masturbating, and they can inform and instruct their partner how and when to do it correctly. Do not treat a woman's breasts like loaves of dough you are kneading or bite her breasts or nipples, unless she consents to this type of stimulation. Some women do enjoy this, but it is not something all women enjoy, and even those who do need to be in the right frame of mind if they are to enjoy it.
A woman's breasts are often extremely important to her so she may enjoy having them stimulated even if it is not physically enjoyable for her. Her partner's enjoyment and acceptance of her breasts may be very meaningful to her emotionally. This is why it is important not to neglect a woman's breasts, dashing past them on your way to her vulva and vagina. Some women do put their breasts off limits for emotional reasons; the most common is insecurity about their size. Women with small breasts who wear padded or push-up bras may be reluctant reveal their true size to their partner. Padded or push-up bras, worn daily, are about as good for sexual intimacy as is faking orgasm.
What Size Breasts Do People Prefer? Everyone prefers large breasts right? Wrong. Yes, large breasts are sexual symbols and they receive an enormous amount of attention, but they are not equally loved by all. First size is relative. For some
large breasts are anything larger than AA and for others small is anything smaller than DD. Mathematically B/C is average. Of course in our competitive world no one wants to be average or below average. We, especially women, base their pass or fail as a woman solely on the size of their breasts. Unfortunately we often equate AA with an F-, and DD with an A+. This leads to a lot of misjudgement of women, and women of themselves.
What size do guys and gals really prefer? Well, it really does depend on the individual. Contrary to what many magazines report, a person's preference does not change every other month. One study found twenty five percent of men preferred large breasts, the same percentage preferred small breasts. The remaining fifty percent preferred other physical attributes, or had no preferences. Some are attracted to a woman's nipples, especially when they are large and erect. Others prefer women with little or no breast development, more than you would expect.
It has been my experience that men find women attractive for many reasons, but breast size is often of little importance. In fact, the majority of the women my male co-workers have found very attractive and desirable just happened to have small breasts. Talking to the women whom these men found attractive, I sometimes discovered they did not feel they were attractive, often because they judged their desirability solely on the size of their breasts. This was even true of some women who had men lining up to date them. What is attractive in a woman is a complex picture and depends on the individual. Large breasts often receive a lot of attention, but not necessarily women with large breasts. There is a difference!
Self Fulfilling Prophecy
If large breasts are not a big deal, then why do they receive so much attention? For the most part it is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Society, specifically the mass media, says they are better so they are. We are programmed to notice and admire large breasts. While we notice breasts of all sizes, we respond to them differently. We are expected to respond to large breasts, and often do so openly. Actresses and models with large breasts receive a lot of attention, and their breasts receive equal attention, because it is expected. Equally famous women with small breasts receive the same amount of attention, but in a different way, their breasts usually are not mentioned or emphasized. As a group, the breasts of these women are overlooked simply because they are small. At present the number of popular actresses and models with small breasts greatly out numbers those with large breasts, we simply have been conditioned not to notice.
In some cases those we expect or envision as having large breasts actually do not. This is especially true of super models like Cindy Crawford and Kathy Ireland. They are super models so we expect them to have super sized breasts, when in reality they have average sized breasts. We have often been fooled by push-up bras and strategically placed tape, hands, or arms. We often force reality to conform to our expectations.
Large Breasts and Porn What about all the large breasted women in porn you ask? With all the surgically enhanced breasts in the adult entertainment business today you would expect everyone to prefer large breasts. I believe the key point here is that we are talking about sex. Large breasts are seen as more sexual so women with large breasts are seen as more sexual and as a result as having a greater sexual capacity. Sex attracts sex. On the surface it may seem pretty cut and dry, but really it is not. Popular "men's magazines" often feature large breasts; so large breasts must be the most popular right? Wrong,
all it means is, of those willing to buy a men's magazine, more prefer large breasts than small breasts, or simply do not care about the size of the model's breasts. What about all those men and women who do not buy magazines, or videos? In actually, even the most popular men's magazine is bought by only a small percentage of the population. The sales of men's magazines and adult videos are not an accurate method of measuring what men, or women consider desirable.
The Role of the Internet The Internet has had a major impact on what people have access to as far as sexually explicit material. Since it is a private affair a person can express their desires and wishes openly. As a result, many women with small breasts, as well as those with large breasts, have received a lot of attention. In some cases women with little or no breast development have posted pictures expecting no one to notice them. They were seeking approval, but they got much more. They found men and women who desired them because of their small breasts, not in spite of them. The women were often shocked to learn this because during their entire life up to that point they have been told they could not be found desirable. Now there are women who are famous because of their small breasts and have a large and supportive following. At least one website that predominately features women who have small breasts has gotten tens of millions of visits, not to mention tons of money, as a result. If one broadens their perspective, they will find there is no disadvantage to having small or even tiny breasts. A woman is only as attractive as she feels she is, or more importantly, allows herself to be. It is more an issue of selfconfidence than it is breast size.
Why Do Women Have Prominent Breasts?
Scholarly people have often tried to explain why human females are the only mammals to have breasts that are prominent features even when they are not lactating. In all other species the breasts only develop during pregnancy and lactation, not during puberty. There is no apparent benefit. If a woman's breasts do not develop during puberty, she is still able to produce sufficient quantities of milk to provide for her children. Educated men have proposed women have prominent breasts as the result of natural or sexual selection. The believe is that since women with large breasts are considered more desirable they would have more suitors and as a result reproduce more often. The problem with this concept is it is based solely on modern Western society's ideals of what is considered attractive. It over looks the fact that breast size has seldom been of major importance in most societies. In the majority of societies breasts are just a source of nourishment for infants and young children. I have never heard of an instance where a woman with small breasts could not or would not be able find a partner. I believe the reason why women's breasts usually develop during puberty is likely the side affect of some biological necessity that is not readily apparent. Perhaps it is simply that human females experience a greater increase in estrogen levels during puberty than do other mammals. Most of the time, a breast is simply a breast.
An example of a young woman with two perfectlynormal breasts that just happen to be of differentsizes. She is unique, not deformed.
Unrealistic Expectations The above photograph is presented for two reasons; first to show the degree to which size variations between a woman's breasts are "normal", and second in hopes of putting a woman's view of her own breasts into perspective. The female breasts are very visible social sex symbols so they are often the primary source of a woman's anxiety about her body. Her breasts often define her in the public and private eye. Both men and women feel perfectly justified in making verbal comments about them. Women who have small breasts often envy women with large breasts and vise versa. A woman who has breasts that her peers admire, regardless of size, often finds fault with them. This is also true of women who are considered very attractive by the men and women around them. Actresses and models have undergone breast augmentation surgery even though they were already considered very attractive, because they were led to believe they were not as attractive as they should or could be. (While their breast size increased, their popularity sometimes sagged following surgery.) While their size is often the cause of a woman's discomfort, other qualities such as their firmness, nipple and areola size and coloration, projection, and shape are also the source of concern. Even so, we must not loose sight of the fact that many women love their breasts dearly regardless of their size and shape. Breasts are in part what make them a woman, and they enjoy being a woman. It is interesting to note that the author of the book Breasts: Our Most Public Private Parts, Meema Spadola, came to the same conculsion as I, that breasts are actually more important to women then men!
Women often judge their breasts extremely harshly, far more so than men. They compare them to an unrealistic ideal. They are led to believe they should have perfectly round breasts that defy gravity by projecting straight outward from their body. There are some common shapes women's breasts conform to, round is just one of them, and probably not the most common. When they are
round and project outward they are most often small in size. This is a fact dictated by gravity. I would guess most breasts are slopping or concave frontally and rounded at their bottom junction with the body. The above photograph gives an example of these two common shapes side by side. Women often view breasts with this second shape as flat or sagging, not as being normal and desirable. I have seen many instances where this was true. With the extreme social pressures women are under, it is often hard to convince them they have beautiful breasts if they feel otherwise.
Bras: Bad for Your Health? This is a touchy subject and an area of some debate. It is hard at times to separate fact from fiction. There is though increasing medical evidence that indicates wearing a bra could be harmful to your health, not to mention uncomfortable. Wearing a bra may result in painful cystic breast disease, and cause rather than prevent sagging of the breasts. Please visit the links given below for the latest details.
Even if these claims are not true, there is no medical benefit in wearing a bra; it is a matter of personal choice. Most women do not benefit from their use, at least physically. Increasing age, gravity, weight gain and loss, and pregnancy are the major causes of change in the breast tissues. These changes influence the size and shape of a woman’s breasts and they start to take place when women are in their teens. We often lose sight of the fact that by the age of eighteen many women have had developed breasts for eight to tens years, time enough for some of these factors to influence the size and shape of their breasts, regardless of size. Stretch marks may form when the breasts first develop, because of their rate of growth, not their ultimate size or lack of support. Wearing a bra also does not affect the size and shape of the breasts when one is worn during puberty. The concept of a "training bra" was an advertising gimmick that worked all too well.
Bras allow, or force depending on how you look at it, women to mold their breasts into what society expects of them, that expectation is that breasts defy gravity and time.
A bra is no longer simply a bra, they are also symbols of womanhood, even more so than the breasts they conceal. This is demonstrated by the facts that 70-80% of women wear the wrong size, what fills them is sometimes of no importance, cup size has become a measure of a woman's womanhood, women who experience little or no breast develop wear them, girls want to wear them prior to their breasts developing, and girls and women wear clothing that openly shows off their bra. If women were truly concerned with function, would they wear the incorrect size? Does wearing a bra with "DD" on the tag really make you more of a woman than one with "AA?" If girls are proud of their developing breasts and eager for people to notice, why do they hide them under a bra? If bras are truly necessary, why were they invented less than one-hundred-years ago? In reality bras are nothing more than modern incarnations of the corsets of old, and just as beneficial. While bra burning during the 60s is more myth than fact, women today probably should burn their bras, or at least spend their hard earned money something more beneficial and enjoyable, like a sex toy.
Social and peer pressure plays a major part in a teen’s or woman's decision to wear a bra, even if they personally do not benefit from them, and would prefer not to. Bras have come to represent nonsexual women and women in control of their sexuality. Free movement of the breasts and visible nipples are viewed by society as indications of a sexual woman. A woman who is not in control of her breasts is not in control of her sexuality. The majority of women who wear skintight tops over a bra would never go without a bra under a loose fitting top because doing so would indicate they are sexual, even if their breasts were actually less visible by doing so. Wearing a bra allows women to deny they are sexual, fulfilling society's expectation of them. Society and peer groups currently
allow women and teens to show off their bra but not their breasts, as if that makes sense.
Bras that shape, lift, contain under-wires, prevent natural movement, make small breasts appear bigger, and large breasts appear smaller are best avoided. Sports bras that hold the breasts snuggly, but not tightly, against the chest without altering their natural shape are perhaps the best choice. Choose smooth, seamless, elastic cups that conform to your breasts rather than cups that force your breasts into an unnatural shape. Pick the simplest bra available. They should be made of lightweight cotton so they do not trap heat and moisture. Wear camisoles or feminine undershirts if you want to add color and lace to your wardrobe. If you do not benefit from a bra, it is perhaps best not to wear one.
If a teen or woman chooses to wear a bra, she should limit the amount of time spent each day doing so. When relaxing at home, they should remove their bra to allow their breasts free movement and permit unrestricted circulation of body fluids within the breast. A bra should not be worn while sleeping, there is no benefit in doing so. Some recommend women frequently massage their breasts to improve circulation. Parents should delay for as long as possible the buying of their daughter's first bra, by providing her with the facts, and encourage them to remove their bra when at home. Feminine undershirts, camisoles, and a coming of age party may be a healthier means of acknowledging her budding breasts and entrance into womanhood.
From the book The Johns Hopkins Atlas of Human Functional Anatomy Fourth Edition Copyright 1977,1980, 1986, 1997 The Johns Hopkins University Press Edited By: George D. Zuidema, M.D. ISBN 0-8018-5651-5 ISBN 0-8018-5652-3 Pbk.
From the book "Clinical Anatomy Principles" Pages 55, 56. Author: Lawrence H. Mathers, Jr. ... [et al]. Copyright 1996 by Mosby - Year Book. ISBN 0-8016-6356-3 (hardcover) ISBN 0-8151-1749-3 (package)
From the book "Atlas of Human Anatomy" Pages 153. Author: Luis Lopez-Antunez, M.D. ... [et al]. Illustrated By: Luis Amendolla Gasparo. Copyright 1971 by W.B. Saunders Company. ISBN 0-7216-1300-4
From the book "Clinical Anatomy Atlas" Pages 8, 9, 10. Editor: Emma D. Underdown. Copyright 1996 by Mosby - Year Book. ISBN 08151-4012-6
Female Orgasm
Illustration by Patsy Website FromLifeDrawings.com
Survey Results: Jane Magazine, June/July 2004 Based on 2,137 responses to an online poll this is what their readers had to say about their frequency of experiencing orgasm during sex: I have an orgasm (or five) every time I have sex 43% I've had "the moment" a few times 38% Still waiting for that one 19% "It's happened twice to me. But if you ask my boyfriend, it happens every night." -Savana, 18, Niagara Falls, NY "Not intercourse, but all the time in outercourse." -Lola, 28,
Merced, Calif. "Sheet, I am a one-minute man." -TJ, 24 Cincinnati "Only if one of us is double-clicking the mouse." -Christen, 21, Leola, Pa. To be honest, I am surprised 43% report experiencing orgasm every time they engage in sex, which for some may be masturbation, but on the other hand, the 19% who have not experienced orgasm exceeds the 10% usually reported. I suspect Jane magazine has a young readership, which may explain a better success rate during partner sex and higher than expected preorgasmic rate. Many young women don't learn to masturbate to orgasm until in their late teens or early twenties, often times after being sexually active with a partner for several years. Young men today have access to the Internet, which may provide some enlightenment on how to please a woman, versus prior generations who read Penthouse. The 38% who experience orgasm irregularly, and some of the 19% who have never experienced an orgasm, may have inexperienced sexual partners and/or experience the reality that every woman isn't going to be in the mood or able to experience orgasm every day of her life, which brings the 43% into question, but perhaps this later group only engages in sex when in the mood, or they are always in the mood; being young and all. Overall, the data and comments provide some insight into how varied women's experiences with orgasm really are; one size does not fit all.
Female Sexual Arousal & Orgasm Female sexual arousal and orgasm is a complex process involving the entire woman, mind and body. The human mind receives in sexual stimuli from the body, processes it, and based on past learning and experience causes the body to respond to it. The brain may start the sexual arousal process in response to thought (sexual fantasy), visual stimuli (seeing a partner nude), audible stimulation (hearing a partner's voice), olfactory stimuli (the smell of a partner's body), and taste (the taste of a partner's body). The
body may start the arousal process as the result of a woman, or her partner, touching her genitals or breasts, the feel of air flowing across her exposed skin, or her cloths stimulating her breasts or genitals. The mind and body while able to experience sexual arousal separately, cannot experience orgasm separately. Orgasm requires both the mind and body to work together. Mental thought alone may result in orgasm, but you still feel the orgasm in your body. All the sexual stimulation and arousal may originate in one or the other, but orgasm takes place in both.
At birth we respond to sexual stimulation based solely on instinct. If we feel safe and our basic material needs are met, we will most likely respond to sexual stimuli very easily. This is perhaps why the simple acts of nursing and exposing the genitals to air results in sexual arousal in infants. At birth we are very sensitive to sexual stimuli, and our minds have not learned "appropriate" sexual response yet. As a result, at birth, orgasm is probably controlled more by physical stimuli than mental thought processes. Orgasm is a simple physical reflex response at birth.
By the time puberty rolls around we have already been taught "appropriate" sexual response. We perhaps know that any sexual response is bad. We may have been so isolated from our physical sexual self's that we are not even aware of it when we are sexual aroused. This is more true of girls than boys, as boys experience a tell tale erection. We know what "good girls" and "bad girls" are. We know who a suitable mate is, even if we cannot think of them in sexual terms. Teenage girls, and adult women, may not permit themselves to be in situations that result in them feeling sexual, if they categorize those feeling as bad. They may perceive sexual arousal as "being in love." They may tune out any sexual feelings, denying they occur, or they may respond so negatively to sexual stimuli that sex itself is impossible.
Some women do not have many negative feelings toward sex and are openly sexual. They enjoy being aroused and seek out sexual
stimuli freely. They do not care who or what causes them to feel aroused, they just enjoy it. Of course society views these "sexual girls" and "sexual women" negatively and labels them "sluts" and "whores." In our confused society, the girl who shuns all sexual feelings is considered more "normal" than a woman who is openly sexual. This is less true than it was twenty years ago, but still very much true.
Orgasm may be more of a mental perception than a physical experience for women, more so than it is for men, as the result of the greater sexual restrictions placed on women. A man's ability to achieve an erection and ejaculate is a symbol of his manhood, a woman's sexual arousal and sexual enjoyment may be seen as "out of control" and "wanton." This is perhaps why women are often times less orgasmic than men as one has to speculate that both are equally orgasmic at birth.
The Sexual Response Cycle. There are two physical changes the body must under go if a woman is to experience orgasm. The first is "vasocongestion," the pooling of blood in the breasts and genitals. This results in the breasts and genitals becoming larger, the body feeling warm or hot to the touch, the change in color of the breasts and genitals, and vaginal lubrication. The second is "Myotonia" or "neuromuscular tension," the build up of energy in the nerve endings and muscles of the entire body. Myotonia is the "sexual tension" I refer to in my masturbation advise for pre-orgasmic women. Myotonia is not "bad tension" experienced as the result of negative feelings. You may experience strong myotonia as the feeling of fullness or tightness in your body prior to orgasm, the point of no return. Some women when confronted with strong myotonia cannot allow themselves to go over the edge, let go, and hence they do not experience orgasm.
It should be noted, that any disease, drug (prescription and nonprescription), or illness that affects the blood flow, muscles, or nerves can restrict or prevent myotonia and vasocongestion. If you cannot experience myotonia and vasocongestion, you may not be able to experience sexual arousal and orgasm. If you have a disease or illness that directly affects the circulatory, nervous, or muscular systems, you may experience orgasmic impairment. If you have been diagnosed with one of these, please see the health and disability pages for more information. If you feel you are not able to experience sexual arousal, or only in a limited way, seek a doctor's advise.
"Three representational variations of female sexual response. Pattern 1 shows multiple orgasm; pattern 2 shows arousal that reaches the plateau level without going on to orgasm (note the resolution occurs more slowly); and pattern 3 shows several brief drops in the excitement phase followed by an even more rapid resolution phase." From the book "Masters and Johnson on Sex and Human loving" Page 58 Copyright 1982, 1985, 1986 By William H. Masters, M.D., Virginia E Johnson, and Robert C. Kolodny, M.D.
Sexologists have broken the sexual response cycle into four phases, excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution. These are arbitrary definitions and a person is not likely to be aware of their body experiencing each individual phase. The amount of time a person spends in each phase, and even the order in which they experience them may vary. A woman on a date may become sexually aroused several times, even without her knowing it, without her ever reaching the plateau phase. She may experience arousal and the plateau phase during an intense session of dancing, but return to her un-aroused state during the ride home. Once home she may quickly experience arousal and orgasm as the result of direct genital stimulation without experiencing the plateau phase. The manner in which a person experiences each phase is unique to them, and even this will change depending on their mood and who they are with.
Arousal may be accompanied by these physical responses to mental and/or physical stimuli: • • • • • • • •
Vaginal lubrication begins first, within 10-30 seconds. The inner two thirds of the vagina expands. The uterus and cervix are pulled upwards. The labia majora flatten and spread apart. The labia minora increase in size. The clitoris increases in size. The nipples may become erect as the result of muscle contractions. When highly aroused the breasts may increase in size.
Click on image to see it full size. From the book "Masters and Johnson on Sex and Human loving" Page 62 Copyright 1982, 1985, 1986 By William H. Masters, M.D., Virginia E Johnson, and Robert C. Kolodny, M.D.
As mentioned above, the vagina lubricates as the result of vasocongestion of the vaginal walls. Moisture "seeps" from the
vaginal walls as the result of increased blood pooling there. The process is called "transudation". Small droplets of moisture form within the vagina, as the result of this seepage. These droplets may collect together and flow out of the vagina, resulting in the vulva becoming moist. The amount, thickness, and smell of a woman's vaginal lubricant varies between women, and with the same woman depending on many factors, including her current menstrual state, and what she has eaten. The presence of vaginal lubrication does not signify that a woman is fully ready for intercourse, nor does the absence of it indicate she is not sexually aroused. Some women produce very little moisture and require the use of water-based lubricants, such as K-Y Jelly. (The use of petroleum-based lubricants can result in vaginal infections.) While it may be perfectly normal or temporary, if you experience a problem with vaginal dryness during intercourse, bring it to the attention of your doctor. Other women produce so much moisture they get everything soaking wet, which can be embarrassing when it occurs in a public place. This too is normal, and is just the result of variations in women's bodies.
From the book "Masters and Johnson on Sex and Human loving" Page 66 Copyright 1982, 1985, 1986 By William H. Masters, M.D., Virginia E Johnson, and Robert C. Kolodny, M.D.
During the Plateau phase a woman may experience: • •
• • •
A marked increase in sexual tension. Increased vasocongestion in the vagina causes the outer third of the vagina to swell, resulting in the vaginal opening decreasing in size, perhaps 30%. The inner two thirds of the vagina balloons out. A woman may experience a strong desire to be filled, a vaginal ache. The amount of vaginal lubrication may decrease during this stage, especially if prolonged. The clitoris becomes increasingly erect, the glans moves toward the pubic bone, becoming more concealed by the hood.
• • •
• •
•
• • •
The labia minora increase considerably in thickness, perhaps 2-3 times. The increased size of the inner labia may spread apart the outer labia resulting in the vaginal opening becoming more prominent. The color of the labia minora change considerably. Going from pink to red for women who have not given birth, from bright red to deep wine in women who have. The actual colors may vary, but not the marked change in color. The areola, the pigmented area around the nipples, begin to swell. The breasts may increase in size 20-25% for women who have not breast-fed a child, for women who have, there is less or no increase in size. 50-70% of women experience a "sex flush" on their chests and other body areas resulting from increased blood flow near the surface of the skin. The heart rate increases, perhaps beating noticeably. There is a marked increase in the amount of sexual tension in the thighs and buttocks. A woman's body is now fully ready for vaginal intercourse.
Masters and Johnson report they never observed a woman experience orgasm who did not first experience the dramatic change in labial coloration. If a woman did experience this color change, she was more than likely to experience orgasm.
If you look at all the physical changes in the internal and external sexual organs, you can see that women are not fully prepared for intercourse until late in the plateau phase. A woman's body signals her readiness by opening up her vulva, exposing her vaginal opening. Vaginal wetness alone does not indicate readiness. This perhaps indicates that women need prolonged mating rituals prior to vaginal intercourse(*).
From the book "Masters and Johnson on Sex and Human loving" Page 67 Copyright 1982, 1985, 1986 By William H. Masters, M.D., Virginia E Johnson, and Robert C. Kolodny, M.D.
During the Orgasmic phase a woman may experience: •
•
Rhythmic muscle contractions occur in the outer third of the vagina, the uterus, and anus. The first muscle contractions are the most intense, and occur at a rate of a little more than 1 per second (0.8 seconds). As the orgasm continues, the contractions become less intense and occur at a more random rate. A mild orgasm may have 3-5 contractions, an intense one 10-15. The "sex flush" becomes even more pronounced and may cover a greater percentage of the body.
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Muscles throughout the body may contract during orgasm, not just those in the pelvic area. Orgasm also takes place in the brain, as indicated by monitoring brain waves. Some women will emit or spray some fluid from their urethra during orgasm. This is often called female ejaculation. While the jury is still out on whether it is urine or female ejaculate that is expelled, the source of the fluid is not of great importance, women often report very strong orgasms when it occurs. That should be all that really matters, women's pleasure. No one questions male ejaculation, even if it too is messy. Myotonia may be evident throughout the body, especially in the face, hands, and feet. A woman's facial expression may indicate that she is in pain when she is having a pleasurable orgasm. At the peak of orgasm the entire body may become momentarily rigid.
Women who have never experienced orgasm, and women who are not sure if they have, often ask, "What does an orgasm feel like?" This is a hard, if not impossible, question to answer. Imagine trying to explain to someone what it feels like to sneeze or yawn. Not easy to do. How our senses and brain interpret physical stimuli is subjective, that is dependent solely on the individual's perceptions. While we can measure the physical stimuli, we cannot measure how a person perceives it. Even if a woman is connected to monitoring equipment when she experiences 15 strong orgasmic contractions over a 10 second period of time, how do we know she experienced it more intensely than another woman who only has a 5 contraction orgasm lasting 4 seconds? The woman having the ten-second orgasm may be wondering why her orgasms are so weak! If a woman has experienced some form of nerve damage, she may not be able to tell if she has had an orgasm.
Here is Masters and Johnson's description of female orgasm: "Women often describe the sensations of an orgasm as beginning with a momentary sense of suspension, quickly followed by an intensely pleasurable feeling that usually begins at the clitoris and rapidly spreads throughout the pelvis. The physical sensations of the genitals are often described as warm, electric, or tingly, and these usually spread through the body. Finally, most women feel
muscle contractions in their vagina or lower pelvis, often described as "pelvic throbbing.""
While all orgasms are organically the same, varying only in strength and length, a woman may not experience them all the same. How a woman experiences an orgasm during masturbation is usually totally different than how she experiences it during partner sex. In fact, women often report their most "satisfying" orgasms occur during masturbation, perhaps because they are the center of attention, and not worrying about or distracted by a partner. A woman may experience an orgasm totally differently if her vagina is empty than when a penis or hand is inserted. She may be more aware of her vaginal contractions when her vagina has something to clamp down on, or when it is empty and contracts on itself. Women experience total body orgasms, clitoral orgasms, vaginal orgasms, and uterine orgasms. While electronic gadgets may say they are all the same, women will beg to differ.
Masters and Johnson, and others, feel all healthy women are capable of experiencing orgasm while being stimulated by vaginal intercourse alone since the thrusting penis will push and pull on the inner labia, resulting in there being indirect stimulation of the clitoris. Other sexologists do not agree with them. While it may be technically possible, it seems practically improbable.
If women's masturbation habits are any indication, vaginal stimulation is less likely to result in orgasm than are activities that directly stimulate their clitoris. Ninety percent of women who masturbate do so by stimulating their clitoris. Only ten percent of women stimulate their vagina while masturbating, and even they usually stimulate their clitoris at the same time. When a woman masturbates, she is almost guaranteed an orgasm. Even if a woman's clitoris was not her primary sensory sex organ, habit alone may dictate that she is most orgasmic from clitoral stimulation, not vaginal stimulation. Is it reasonable to believe women masturbate in any way other than what works best?
As I mentioned above, a woman's body is not fully prepared for intercourse until she is highly aroused, and at the plateau stage. If a woman is highly aroused then it seems possible that indirect simulation of her clitoris, combined with vaginal stimulation, could result in orgasm. If there is a strong emotional bond between a woman and her partner during intercourse, that psychological stimulation alone may result in an orgasm, if she is highly aroused. The same may not be said of a woman who tries to go from a low degree of sexual arousal all the way to orgasm by means of indirect clitoral and vaginal stimulation. If a woman's vagina is numb to penile thrusting she may find indirect stimulation of her clitoris alone is not enough to push her over the edge even if she is highly aroused. It is reasonable to expect women to need direct clitoral stimulation to prepare them for intercourse even if they do not need it during vaginal intercourse to achieve orgasm.
During the Resolution phase a woman may experience: • • • • • • • •
If sexual stimulation continues, a woman may experience one or more additional orgasms. The vaginas, and vaginal opening, return to their normal relaxed state. The breasts, labia, clitoris, and uterus return to their normal size, position, and color. The clitoris and nipples may be so sensitive that any stimulation may be uncomfortable. The "sex flush" disappears. There may be heavy sweating, and breathing. The heart may beat rapidly. If orgasm does notoccur, a woman will still experience most of what is listed above, but at a much slower rate. The blood trapped in the pelvic organs, not having been dissipated by orgasmic muscle contractions, may result in a feeling of heaviness, and pelvic discomfort.
If a woman experiences one orgasm, she can usually have many more in one session, as long as adequate stimulation continues. Some women will have one orgasm right after another, for as long
as the stimulation is continued. Practice seems to make this more probable. The clitoris may be extremely sensitive after the first orgasm, requiring a very light or indirect touch. A woman may need only to slip a little ways away from the point of orgasm before she can have another. In this case, deep breathing may help a woman recover more quickly, enabling her to move onto her next orgasm. Most multiple orgasms occur during masturbation as there is nothing or no one to distract a woman from her pleasure, and a vibrator is more likely to be utilized. An electric vibrator does not get tired, unlike a woman's own hand, or that of her partner. A male partner who has himself experienced an orgasm may find himself incapable of continuing his stimulation of his partner. If a partner wants to bring their female partner to multiple orgasms, they will probably have to forego their own pleasure, at least temporally.
Is orgasm necessary for female sexual happiness? While it is true that there are millions of women who have lived happy and fulfilling lives having never experienced an orgasm, their lives probably would have been more enjoyable if they had. Orgasm is a normal bodily function. If a woman does not experience orgasm, she may find herself feeling very uncomfortable after sex, because of the excess blood trapped in her pelvic organs. Some report, women develop back pains and other health problems as a result of this unreleased sexual tension. Doctors in the past used vibrators to bring female patients to orgasm as a means of treating female health problems. While orgasm is not necessary for female happiness, it does make life more enjoyable.
For women who are pre-orgasmic, and for those who experience orgasm only with great difficulty, achieving a balance between their desire for orgasm and their sexual happiness can be a challenge. Lets face it, there is a lot of social pressure on women to have orgasms these days. The mass media is full of references to the joys of orgasm. Women want to experience orgasm not only for their own benefit, but to make their partner happy and to be like their peers. To a certain extent, orgasm has become a chore,
versus a simple pleasure, for some women. When women try too hard to achieve orgasm, sex becomes unpleasant and frustrating, for them and their partner. You cannot force yourself, or a partner, to experience orgasm. If you become too preoccupied with the mechanics of orgasm, you can loose out on the intimacy of sex.
It is usually easier for a woman to learn to orgasm while masturbating than it is for her to have her very first orgasm as the result of partner sex. It is for this reason that pre-orgasmic women may want to have partner sex simply for the pleasure and intimacy of it without trying to have an orgasm, at least part of the time. Saving their attempts at orgasm for masturbation sessions, when they are alone and able to think only of themselves. Women usually are not capable or willing to be selfish enough to make themselves the center of attention during partner sex. They try to fulfill the needs of their partner at the same time they are trying to fulfill their own, but their own needs usually end up falling by the wayside.
Faking orgasm is definitely a bad idea. What starts out as a means of saving face in front of a new partner, and as a means of giving a partner a morale boost, usually ends up being a permanent way of life. Women tend to blame themselves for everything that goes wrong in a relationship, so their inability to orgasm is their own fault, so they pay the price. Women are afraid to tell their partner they have been faking orgasm because it will upset them, so they do not. When you have faked orgasm, and decide to tell your partner, you have to admit not only to not having had orgasms, but you must admit to lying to your partner, to hiding something from them, and to fooling them. Women who fake orgasm face becoming so frustrated by their inability to orgasm, and their partners lack of skill, that they soon find themselves avoiding sex altogether. When a woman experiences an orgasm, real or faked, she is indicating to her partner that they have done a good job, that they do not need to do anything differently next time. A woman who fakes orgasm is telling her partner that they do not
need to change their sexual technique, which is totally opposite of what she should be telling them.
New Study: Glamour Magazine, October 2000 Based on 1,500 women's responses to an online poll at Glamour.com In response to the question, "How often do you fake orgasm?" the women responded: I never fake it 45% 1%-25% of the time 34% 26%-50% of the time 10% 51%-75% of the time 7% 76%-100% of the time 4% When the majority, fifty-five percent, of women admits to doing something they are not supposed to be doing, that is fake orgasm, it indicates a serious problem. In this case, the problem is that society is leading women to believe they should always have an orgasm during partner sex, and that there are negative consequences when they do not. An orgasm is no longer just an orgasm. Orgasm has become the benchmark by which we measure the quality of our sexuality and even our social standing within our community. Society leads us to believe "normal" women always have orgasms, and her “caring partner” always stimulates her to orgasm. In the past we ignored female orgasm, today we perhaps place too much emphasis on it. It is important for women to realize this is a social problem, not a personal one. No woman is going to have an orgasm every time she engages in partner sex or masturbation. This is just the way it is. Making orgasm the sole goal of sex can actually make sex less enjoyable and even boring, if not extremely frustrating. If you want to experience intense and prolonged sexual pleasure, try not having an orgasm.
Pelvic Muscles Contractions During Orgasm
Femorg.com has been gracious enough to provide visitors to this website with free access to a video clip that features a woman using a vibrator to masturbate to orgasm. This video shows a close-up view of the vulva and anus during orgasm allowing you to clearly see the pelvic muscles contractions of orgasm. The muscles surrounding the vagina and anus can be seen contracting and relaxing during orgasm. The femorg.com website is adult orientated and sexually explicit, featuring movies showing female orgasm. A membership is required to access the full movie library. Please click on one of the links provided to see the video. The video is available in three different file formats and two different file sizes WMV (278KB), MOV (377KB), MOV (963KB), and MPG (1,837KB).
Information for Pre-Orgasmic Women
Illustration by Patsy Website: FromLifeDrawings.com
You Are Not Alone If you are not experiencing orgasm during your sexual activities you may believe there is no common ground between you and your peers. This may cause you to feel alone and isolated, with no one to turn to for guidance and support. You most likely have been led believe everyone else is experiencing mind-blowing orgasms every time they participate in a sexual activity. The information we receive from the mass media does appear to indicate this is true. Sex scenes in popular movies show orgasm occurring effortlessly for all women in a matter of seconds. In movies, women experience orgasm in what amounts to five to thirty seconds of passionate sexual activity. This often becomes our expectation of a
perfect woman and wonderfully fulfilling sex. We are shown fantasy but take it to be reality. In reality your peers experience sexual challenges too, in one form or another. Four out of every ten women report some degree of sexual dissatisfaction. The vast majority, dare I say all, women will know what it is like to be unable to experience orgasm at some point in their life. The woman who does not experience it is so rare she is more a product of fantasy than reality. When this orgasmic impairment occurs, how often, and the duration of each occurrence varies from woman to woman. As an example, a woman's menstrual cycle may cause her to be unable to experience orgasm at regular and frequent intervals because of hormonal changes within her body. From my perspective, taking into consideration the questions and comments I receive, orgasmic impairment is a very common occurrence. Orgasmic impairment does not discriminate based on age, race, ethnicity, religion, education, or sexual orientation, experience, or inexperience. Certain life situations and experiences certainly increase the likelihood of it occurring but no one is exempt from it. While we may attribute this situation solely to adult women, increasingly it is teens who are feeling abnormal. While lesbian sex is more likely to include and focus on clitoral stimulation, they experience it too, as do women with and without partners, women with more than one partner, and women in short and long term relationships. The well educated and financially secure are no more immune than are the less educated and impoverished. Sexual experience, in absence of orgasm, can actually become an everincreasing hindrance, because of greater feelings of personal frustration and failure, and the possibility of decreasing emotional and physical intimacy with your partner. If you are pre-orgasmic, or presently unable to experience orgasm, you are not a member of an exclusive group but rather an inclusive one. You are not alone.
Finding Answers
I will not profess to know the "10 Easy Steps to Orgasm." Given the diversity of women and their individual experiences, there is no single solution to learning how to be an orgasmic woman. This is very much an individual journey. The path you take will depend on the path you are traveling now and the subsequent paths you choose. Do not attempt to be like other women, or your perception of them, as this could very well be your primary obstacle to overcome. Discovering how other women have learned to be orgasmic may assist you in your journey, but it is unlikely to provide a clear and easy roadmap to success. For many women, the answer lies simply in giving yourself permission to be a sexual being, and by taking possession of your sexuality. You need to define your sexuality rather than allowing others to do it for you. For most, it is not a question of creating your sexuality but accepting it in its current form. The problem may not be your body and sexuality, but rather what you have been attempting to do with or to them. Learning to accept and celebrate your sexuality may be as simple as reading through this website to gain a greater understanding of your body and sexuality. You may want to immerse yourself in sexual women and their experiences rather than avoiding them, as most women have been taught. Instead of shunning sexual women you will want to join them. Allow sexual women to teach you how to be sexual. Visiting the websites created by sexual women may be of assistance in doing so. You will find links to some of their websites in the links section. Learn the rewards of being a sexual woman, and how being one is not only normal but extremely desirable. Learning to appreciate masturbation as a positive female experience may be done by reading through the many masturbation experiences and techniques women have shared. Learning to love your vulva may be achieved by learning about your anatomy and viewing the photographs of the vulva presented on this website, and at the associated Yahoo group. While female orgasmic impairment was once thought to always be psychological in origin, many medical causes are now being
discovered. Factors like stress, medication, prescription birth control, reproductive and emotional health, hormone imbalances, heart disease, insufficient body fat, and many other factors can all influence a woman's orgasmic and sexual potential regardless of age. These factors can start influencing your sexuality when you are a teenager, though most associate them only with maturity. If you started taking prescription medication like birth control or antidepressants, or had a preexisting medical condition prior to learning to experience orgasm, it may be impossible to predict their influence on your individual experience, even if your doctor claims otherwise. Your sexual pleasure is greatly influenced by your overall health.
The Battle Between Mind and Body When we are born, orgasm is a reflex response to sexual stimulation. If our body experiences sufficient sexual stimulation and as a result sexual tension develops, we will experience orgasm. As we grow older, orgasm becomes a conditional response. All the negative feelings and ideas we have learned from society about our body, masturbation, and partner sex influence our thoughts. As adults, we have certain expectations and believes that control our actions. Our mind creates conditions that allow us to be sexual and experience sexual pleasure and orgasm only when they are first satisfied. It is no longer simply, we caress our genitals because it feels good and as a result we have an orgasm. We now think about what we are doing and know that we are engaging in a sexual activity. We are intentionally masturbating, or engaging in partner sex, because we want to experience pleasure and orgasm. While on a conscious level we may want to experience pleasure and orgasm, on a subconscious level we may be saying no because of what we have learned throughout life. On a less subconscious level, guilt can be a barrier to pleasure and orgasm. This means that while our body is
saying yes, our brain can be saying no, and are denied orgasm. It is important to get our mind and body working together. A twenty-year-old woman is not as fortunate as a newborn girl since she knows what sex and masturbation are and what is expected of and denied her by her family and community. She knows social and family views on female sexuality, pleasure, partner sex, masturbation, and her body. These are more often than not negative and cloudy views that impair her ability to be sexual and experience sexual pleasure. She is less likely to be totally uninhibited about touching and stimulating her body, unlike a two-year-old who may undress and proceed to masturbate in front of others without the slightest inhibition. A woman may have a sexual partner and peers who have their own expectations of her sexuality, ones that conflict with her genuine needs and wants. Women are often raised to believe they will achieve fulfillment while making personal sacrifices that fulfill the wants of others, while suppressing and ignoring their own needs. It is for these reasons, and many more, that women experience a barrier to sexual pleasure and orgasm that did not exist at birth. The knowledge you have gained throughout your life may have impaired your ability to experience sexual pleasure and orgasm. If you had received positive and accurate information about your sexuality and body it is unlikely you would be reading this article. The extent this prior knowledge and experience are a hindrance depends on several factors: the amount of pressure that was placed on you to conform to gain and maintain the acceptance of your family and peers, whether your peers, mother, and female role models were/are sexual, whether they supported your sexuality, the intensity and your age at the onset of your sex drive, and when and if you had access to accurate and positive information about your body and sexuality. The longer your sexual development is delayed and distorted, the greater the barrier to orgasm may be.
Use It or Lose It!
A possible disadvantage a twenty-year-old woman may experience that a newborn girl may not is that the nerve pathways that carry the sexual stimuli to the brain have lain dormant her entire life. What happens when we do not use a body part for an extended period of time? It shrinks, becomes unresponsive and perhaps unusable. An example being a broken arm that is kept in a cast for an extended period of time. Whereas the more something is used, the more it develops and the better it works. The more we exercise and train our body the better it performs and the healthier it is. This is equally true of our sexual organs, which includes our brain. Given that society's position is often that girls and women have a "vagina," they may believe there is nothing "down there" for them to be aware of. Their vulva has been off limits and they simply learned to ignore it, or wish they did not have one; they are after all expected to have penis envy. While boys and men are encouraged to hold their penis while urinating, a girl's or woman's hand should never come in direct contact with her suposed "dirty" vulva, they should always be separated by toilet paper, a wash cloth, or clothing. These factors may cause a woman's brain to disconnect from her vulva and clitoris, as if they were not connected to her body, because she may wish they were not. If a woman's clitoris has gone unused for twenty years, is it reasonable to believe it would work as well as one that had been used daily? Are the physical and chemical processes necessary for arousal and orgasm likely to be in good working order? What about the muscles that contract during orgasm? Will the blood vessels be able to carry the necessary amount of blood to permit sexual arousal and vaginal lubrication? Our physical and mental abilities adapt much more rapidly when we are infants and toddlers. Who then is likely to have an easier time learning to masturbate to orgasm, a toddler or adult woman?
It Takes Nerve!
If a woman waits or is not permitted until she is twenty-years-old to learn to be orgasmic, the nerve pathways that carry sexual stimulation to the brain may have never developed or they are weakened by lack of use. If this is true, the nerve pathways may not be able to carry signals, electrical impulses, to the brain unless they are intense. A woman may be sensitive to intense stimulation, i.e. pain, but not gentle sexual stimulation; the line between pain and pleasure is very narrow. Her clitoris and arm may have the same degree of sensitivity, even if her clitoris does have a significantly greater concentration of nerve endings. Before she will be able to experience sexual pleasure and orgasm she must develop those sexual nerve pathways so they can carry subtle nerve impulses to the brain. A strong connection between her clitoris and brain must be formed and developed. This requires frequent caressing of the clitoris and vulva so as to stimulate and activate the nerve pathways. Like a path through the woods, it is much easier to follow the more it is used. This is why it is necessary to explore and discover pleasure before you can experience orgasm, keeping in mind exploration is often a time consuming process. Numerous nerve impulses may have to travel from a woman's clitoris and vulva to her brain before they do so easily. Her brain may need to process numerous nerve impulses before it can do so efficiently, or even knows how to process them. From a sexual perspective, a woman may need to crawl before she can walk, then run. The first orgasm is usually the most challenging to achieve, unless of course it occurs by total surprise. The more orgasms a woman has, the easier they occur, in the majority of women. There is a simple rule, "The more sexual a girl or woman is, the more sexual she can be." Vibrators may provide sufficient high intensity stimulation to overcome weak nerve pathways allowing a woman to experience orgasm. Once she learns to experience orgasm using a vibrator, and the nerve pathways develop, other forms of less intense stimulation may result in orgasm. If for some reason the nerve pathways are damaged or otherwise deficient, a vibrator may always be necessary if orgasm is desired, and this true for many
normal and healthy women, young and old. You have no control over your nerve pathways so if yours do not work quite as well as the next person's, do not fault yourself. Simply strive to learn and accept what works best for you. The absence of genital sensitivity could indicate a hormonal imbalance or deficiency. Estrogen and testosterone are equally essential for a healthy and sensitive vulva and clitoris. Health issues, medications, and prescription birth control can all influence genital sensitivity. If a teen or woman has a preexisting medical condition or began taking a prescription medication prior to exploring her sexuality and orgasm, it may be impossible to predict their influence on her sexual pleasure. When prescribing medication, doctors may fail to mention their possible sexual side effects and women may need to look in a Physician's Desk Reference (PDR) to find out this information; they are usually available at your local library and online. Parents need to take into consideration their daughter's sexuality and pleasure when she is prescribed medication and treatments, particularly during the teen years, though preadolescent girls masturbate too.
Making a Connection Since boys are taught at an early age to hold their penis when urinating, men are often much more comfortable touching and holding their genitals than women. Girls and women often learn not to touch their vulva directly, toilet paper or a wash cloth always separates their hand from their vulva, and they are required to wear panties twenty-four-hours a day. Here is an exercise that may help women to become equally comfortable touching their vulva, and to have a greater awareness of the sensations it produces when touched. The intent of this exercise is not sexual arousal, pleasure, or orgasm, but the creation of a connection between mind and body. If this connection does not exist, pleasure and orgasm are impossible.
You will need a bath towel and a lubricant that is safe to apply to your vulva. Petroleum or natural oil based products will work best, and are safe to use on the vulva, but not in the vagina. Be careful to avoid lubricants with added scents and colors that may irritate delicate tissues. Water based lubricants tend to dry out quickly, but they can be re-hydrated by adding a little water when they become sticky. Keep a small bowl of warm water nearby if you use a water based lubricant. If your vulva is easily irritated or very sensitive, latex or vinyl surgical gloves may be necessary, though all women should give them a try. You will need to engage in at least thirty minutes of uninterrupted activity that you find relaxing, like reading a book, surfing the Internet, or watching a commercial free movie. You can sit in a chair or lie on a bed, whatever is most comfortable for you during this activity. Either get naked or dress in a manner that provides easy and comfortable access to your vulva. While not ideal, you can start out by doing it with your cloths or panties on. Place the towel so it will be under your bottom to protect your furniture or bedding from the lubricant. If appropriate, dim the lights. Get everything ready to engage in the chosen activity without interruption, including turning off your phones and pagers. Now apply a generous amount of lubricant to your vulva, you want it dripping wet. Start the movie, surfing the net, or reading. Take in some deep breaths and relax. Focus on the primary activity you are engaged in, not what I am about to tell you to do. Using either hand, start exploring the outer surfaces of your vulva. If you do not use the hand you write with, it leaves your dominate hand free to do other things; you can type or hold a glass of water in your dominant hand for example. Your movements should be casual, not intentional. Cup your vulva and hold it in the palm of your hand, toy with your pubic hair, and then use one or two fingers to explore the contours. Go very very slowly, remember this should last at least half an hour. Work your way into the folds of your vulva, exploring as you go. It is okay to pause, but maintain physical contact. The challenge is to remain focused on the book, movie, or Internet not your exploring hand. You should be surprised to realize you are "playing" with your vulva.
You want the hand between your legs to have a mind of its own, the less aware you are of what you are doing the better, as if absent mindedly playing with your hair or a piece of clothing. You know you are doing it but it slips to the back of your mind. If something feels good, explore it, but do not focus on it. If the primary activity momentarily distracts you from touching your vulva, fine. Do not try to bring about a high level of sexual arousal or orgasm. If you notice yourself becoming aroused, maintain it at a low level, but do not get yourself so aroused it is distracting from the main activity; I know, easier said than done. This is especially true if you find you hit a wall when trying to experience orgasm. You want to repeat this activity as frequently as possible, daily when circumstances permit. It may take several month for you to go from being insensitive to vulvar stimulation to being acutely aware of it. This exercise has several purposes other than the primary one, as it requires you to set aside time for yourself on a regular basis and engage in a relaxing activity. These are very important to a healthy sex life. If you are always on the go or wound up, sexual arousal and orgasm become more difficult to experience. You have achieved success when you can explore and toy with your vulva for a full half hour, or more, and not know that you have. You want to totally unlearn the believe that "good girls" do not play with, touch, or fondle their genitals. You should be surprised when you realize you are holding or caressing your vulva when engaged in the primary activity. It should become a matter of habit, not intent. This is not going to happen overnight. You want it to become totally natural, second nature. You do not want to feel the least inhibited about doing it, like a young child. With time, you will hopefully discover ways of stimulating your vulva that feel pleasurable, or at least noticeable. If you learn to lie or sit there and arouse yourself, and can maintain that arousal, learning to orgasm is going to be much easier, more so than setting a goal of and attempting to experiencing orgasm from the start. The more you try to have an orgasm, the more out of reach it is likely to become. Your partner can be present during these activities as long as they are not a distraction or do not expect you to put on a show. With
time, they should become so accustomed to you doing it they are less aware of it than you. Again, this is not about sex, but making a physical connection.
Pump Me Up! Blood flow is essential to sexual arousal and vaginal lubrication. While nerve impulses may start the arousal process, blood carries the chemicals that allow the physical aspects of arousal to occur. If a woman does not have adequate blood flow to her vulva and vagina, she may have trouble experiencing arousal and orgasm. Without the increased blood flow her vulva and clitoris may be insensitive or overly sensitive to stimulation and her vagina will not adequately lubricate. Similar to how nerve pathways develop with use, so do the blood vessels and erectile tissues. The more frequently a woman stimulates and causes blood flow to increase in her genitals, and the longer blood engorgement is maintained, the more her blood vessels and erectile tissues may develop, to a small degree. (Large genitals structures are the result of heredity, not masturbation and frequent sexual activity as some claim.) Any activity that increases blood flow to the vulva may enhance arousal. This is why the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approved a clit pump for the treatment of sexual dysfunction. Viagra may help women who have decreased genital blood flow, if they experienced satisfactory sexual response in the past. Frequent stimulation of the vulva and clitoris will likely have the same result, though the use of additional lubrication will most likely be a necessity. Sexual fantasy is another way of increasing blood flow to the genitals. Engaging in twenty minutes of sustained physical activity each day will help with blood flow, overall health, and relieve stress. This can be done through walks, swimming, jogging, bicycling, etc. If your
heart rate increases, increased blood flow will occur throughout your pelvic and genital region. Immediately after exercise, while you are still warmed up, is a good time for sexual activities. While in the shower after exercise is a good time to explore your vulva.. It is also a good time, prior to showering, to engage in the activity described in the prior section.
Desire's Influence If you try to engage in a sexual activity, solo or with a partner, when you are not experiencing sexual desire, it is less likely to be an enjoyable experience. While sexual desire is not essential too arousal and orgasm, it certainly aids in the processes. If your body is not working with you, it may very well work against you, and when one takes into consideration the consequences of prior knowledge and social conditioning, it may be essential to over coming those barriers. In simple terms, if you are not horny, you may not be prepared for sex or sexual pleasure and they could be unattainable. A potential problem is created by society's frequent denial of female sexual desire. Women are usually expected to be sexually passive, "good girls" are not "sexually active" nor should they "desire sex." Teens and women often learn to believe their sexual arousal is an indication of being "in love," or suppress and ignore their sexual feelings altogether. As an adult, you may be unaware of your desire, having learned to ignore it. If you do not experience sexual desire, or you are in denial of its presence, learning to experience orgasm can be significantly more challenging. Before many women can learn to experience orgasm they must acknowledge and accept their sexual desire, and learn to know its rhythms. You need to know if you are experiencing sexual desire on any given day, and its level in comparison to other days; this is usually indicated by the frequency of sexual thoughts and arousal. Since a woman's menstrual cycle often causes her desire to be
cyclic, this requires her to acknowledge that cycle and the limits it may place on her sexual responses. The hormone estrogen is an anti-testosterone so as it varies during your cycle so does your active testosterone level; your estrogen level drops rapidly after ovulation and is at its lowest during menstruation. You may learn you can engage in a sexual activity with the likelihood of orgasm occurring only a few days each cycle. It is not a bad idea for women to keep a written record of their menstrual cycle, and their daily level of desire, frequency of experiencing arousal and/or orgasm, and sexual activities. While some women can and do masturbate to orgasm one or more times a day every day and others masturbate once a month, neither woman is better off or more "normal" than the other. One cannot fault women who seek sexual pleasure and relaxation on a regular basis, but the body may not always be willing. The key is achieving an understanding of your body. On days when your level of desire is lower, orgasm may require more mental than physical stimulation.
Good Versus Bad Tension. Orgasm is the release of sexual tension in the body. Sexual tension develops as a result of mental and physical sexual stimulation. There is another form of tension that results from negative feelings within ourselves towards things around us, negative tension. Negative tension is a defensive mechanism. If your body is in a defensive mode it is unlikely to welcome sexual responses. Sex, mating, is an inherently risky activity so your body will say no to sex if you are feeling at risk. If your mind and body are telling you to find safety, run, sexual arousal and orgasm are going to be more difficult to achieve. If you want to have an orgasm you need to be relaxed and feel good about yourself and your current surroundings. If your body is tense as a result of negative feelings, you are less likely to experience orgasm, even if you are highly
aroused and want too. You will not be able to surrender control of your body. If you make a fist out of one of your hands, and then close your second hand around it making a second fist, you demonstrate sexual tension combined with negative tension. A fist within a fist. If you try to open your first fist, symbolizing the release of sexual tension through orgasm, you cannot because your second fist, the negative tension, prevents it. Not until you open your outer hand, release the negative tension, can you open your inner hand, have an orgasm. Many women become so tense while masturbating, as a result frustration, negative feelings, trying too hard, and apprehension that they in effect tighten their whole body into a tight fist, preventing orgasm. The sexual tension is there, it simply has become impossible to release. When orgasm does not occur, this sexual tension is released very slowly and you feel sexually frustrated and may actually feel physically ill. You do not want to place yourself in that state very often as it is very detrimental to sexual pleasure. You are likely aware of accounts of women who masturbate to orgasm to help them relax and fall asleep. Their daily stress induced tension is not likely to be intense or chronic and therefore does not become a barrier to orgasm. If you had a really stressful day, it is less likely for you to be able to become aroused and experience orgasm. A toddler may masturbate because it helps her fall asleep, but the stress she experiences is not likely to be as intense as that experienced by adults and teens; though frequent childhood masturbation could indicate emotional stress. It is a matter of degree and duration. If you are so tense you want to cry, sexual arousal and orgasm will be harder to achieve, though after a good cry relieves the physical and emotional tension you may be ready for arousal and orgasm. Crying is not a bad emotion or harmful.
Releasing Negative Tension
You should learn how to release negative tension if you cannot avoid it all together, which is very unlikely for the average person in our fast paced lives. The simplest and quickest way is through deep breathing. Close your eyes, breath deeply in through your nose, hold for a couple seconds, exhale deeply through your mouth, and repeat. You should feel tension drain from your body. Get in the habit of doing this before beginning to masturbate or participate in partner sex, and any time during the day you feel stressed. Find time for yourself. If you live alone this may not be a challenge but if you live with family or roommates it can be. If you have children, have your spouse, parents, or neighbors take them for an hour or two each week. Ask your boss if you can work fifteen minutes extra four days a week so you can take an hour off on the fifth day. If nothing else, skip doing the laundry, or take a long lunch. Take a hot bath or shower and let the heat soak into your body. If your place of work has a shower, use it. Take deep breaths. Take time to explore your body, to touch it. When you feel good and relaxed dry yourself gently. Then massage body lotion or oil into your entire body. Feel, explore, and stimulate your body. Do not wait until the end of the day when you are exhausted to do this. When at home, lay on your bed, stretch out on the couch, or lay on a soft mat on the floor, nude if you are comfortable doing so. If at work, find a quiet corner, go to the park, or sit in your car that is parked in a quiet area. You can do this with your cloths on, preferably loose fitting cloths like a dress or skirt and possibly take your bra and panties off beforehand. You will then want to tense and relax each muscle in your body one at a time. Concentrate on one area of your body and flex and relax the muscles there. Think about your hand and make a fist, relax it. Press your tongue against the top of your mouth to tense your jaw muscles; do not clench your teeth. Scrunch your face up. Think about your thighs and tighten the muscles there. Squeeze your butt cheeks together. You can press your arms and legs against the bed, floor, or chair to cause some muscles in them to tighten. Imagine that you are urinating and want to stop the flow of urine, your pelvic muscles
will tighten, and relax; these are called Kegel exercises. Start at one point on your body, say your left foot, and work your way up the left side of your body and then down the right side of your body. With practice, you will be able to identify individual muscles. Learn to distinguish the difference between a tensed and relaxed muscle. Do not forget about your deep breathing, in through your nose, out through your mouth. It is also not a bad idea to get in the habit of doing stretching exercises to help relieve muscular tension.
Learn Your Body It is highly recommended that you get a mirror and look at your vulva and learn what is there. You should do this on a regular basis, to keep tabs on your genital health; when you do your monthly breast exam do a vulvar exam too. Identify all your bits and pieces. Yes, it can be confusing at first, but with time and guidance from the information in the anatomy and Q&A sections you will soon be able to identify everything. You may be surprised to learn how much is there, that there is a lot "down there". If you cannot look at your genitals and feel good about what you see, it makes it much more difficult for you to touch your vulva and enjoy it. Remember, no matter how your genitals may look, they are perfectly normal. Every woman should consider trimming her pubic hair short, and possibly shaving her vulva, at least once so she can see and explore her genitals unobstructed. Basically discover/rediscover her genitals for the first time since puberty, growing pubic hair. There is more there than a hole and hair. If you are able to show off your vulva, it may give you a little more self confidence too. In addition, any daily activity that requires you to look at and touch your vulva is beneficial, especially if has nothing to do with hygiene, i.e. cleaning.
Try relaxing around the house while nude and letting it all hang out, and outside if circumstances permit. Go shopping while wearing a dress or skirt with nothing underneath, allowing the air to stimulate your vulva. Not only is is healthier to do so, the naughtiness may sexually arouse you. You don't have to be a good girl all the time. You can certainly choose clothing that conceals the fact you are bare bottomed underneath. Nobody's body is perfect, no one's. Don't allow yourself, as hard as it may be, to be misled by the anorexic airbrushed female bodies shown in magazines, they don't exist in real life. Women almost always judge their body and that of other women much more harshly than men, and have unrealistic expectations too. They learn as girls to get approval from others by the way they look, and they learn this when very young; boys traditionally get approval by what they do, not how they look . Your partner certainly does not have perfect body so why must you? Even if you are not totally happy with your body, wishing it was somehow different, you need to be able to look at and touch it, and enjoy the pleasure it can give you. Despite how you feel it looks, with all its imperfections, it is still very capable of giving you pleasure, if you allow it to. The more pleasure you allow you body to give you, the more you will find that you like your body. An orgasmic woman is going to feel better about her body than a woman who does not experience orgasm.
Sexual Fantasy Sexual fantasy is often essential to masturbation and orgasm. It is often the missing ingredient in many women's masturbation sessions. They think about what they are doing or trying to achieve, not something that turns them on. You have to be able to openly think about sex and create a fantasy world if you are to discover your full sexual potential. If you are not able to create a sexual fantasy of your own, read one in a book or magazine.
Perhaps you can read a romance novel that sexually arouses you. Looking at nude or sexually explicit pictures on the Internet could put you in the mood, as can watching an erotic video. Many women are sexually aroused by adult videos, so consider giving them a try; it is falsely believed women are not turned on visually but this is very untrue. Try to get yourself worked up and aroused before trying to masturbate. Think about sex all day at work or school, go home take a hot bath or shower, think about sex some more, apply lotion to your entire body, pamper your body, go relax on your bed or couch, think about sex some more, and then read a sexual passage in a book or look at erotic pictures. When you are sexually aroused and feel as if your genitals are on fire, only then start caressing your genitals. Remember to go-slow and stay relaxed and breath. If arousal does not come about as a result of fantasy or erotica, it likely means you are tired and stressed, or sexual desire is absent.
Learning to Masturbate One of the best ways to learn how to masturbate is by reading what other women have to say about their individual masturbation technique(s), and how they went about learning them. Every woman's masturbation technique is unique, so the more methods you read about, the better prepared you will be to discover your own unique way. Another wonderful teaching tool is videos that feature women masturbating to authentic orgasms. Watching another woman masturbate to orgasm conveys much more information than written word can. On the page about sexual arousal and orgasm there is access to a video clip that shows the pelvic muscle contractions of orgasm, this may help you to know if and when you experience your first orgasm. The more information you acquire from this website, and other sources, the better prepared you will be to learn how to masturbate to orgasm. While masturbation is simple in some ways, it is complex in others, so do
not fault yourself it does not come easy to you. Simply give yourself time and opportunity to learn. When you have learned to relax your entire body, and know when you are relaxed, stand, lay on a bed, or sit in a comfortable chair and slowly start to explore your nude or semi nude body. If possible, do so in front of a large mirror. Run your fingers and hands across your body. Massage body lotion or oil into your face and body. Explore your breasts, play with your nipples; if you find them sensitive to sexual stimulation, fifty percent of women do not. Caress your legs and thighs. Cup your vulva in your hand and gently rub in small circles while trying different pressures. Pull and tug on your pubic hair, or if shaven toy with the stubble or explore the smoothness of the skin. Don't head directly for your clitoris. If you are not adequately aroused it may be insensitive or overly sensitive to your touch. You need the blood flowing to your vulva prior to clitoral stimulation, hence the need for sexual fantasy and desire, and a slow approach. Do not try to experience orgasm. Do things that feel pleasurable to you. If something does not feel good, try something else. Try to wake up those dormant nerve endings. If you feel yourself get tense, stop what you are doing, breath deeply and relax. Do this exercise as often as possible, but only for 15-20 minutes at a time. Do not tire or stress yourself out. The intent of this exercise is to make you feel good while staying relaxed. You want to feel a little aroused, but at peace, not compelled to go further. If you do not find areas of your body sensitive to stimulation, then it is likely you are not experiencing sexual desire and arousal. A good time to do this is when you climb into bed at night, but if you can arrange time earlier in the day, say upon waking, that may prove more beneficial. After you become comfortable exploring and touching your body you will want to try more direct means of stimulating your vulva. Slip your fingers between the folds of your vulva and massage and play with your inner labia. Perhaps pulling on them lightly or firmly. Slip your fingers up to the top of your vulva and place them on top of your clitoris. Feel the warmth and firmness of it, when you are sexually aroused. The clitoris of some women does not become erect or is hidden by surrounding tissues so they must guide
themselves by what feels the best. Some women may need to locate their clitoris with a mirror, as they may not be able to detect it with their fingers; this is not an unusual occurrence. Gently move your fingers up and down, around, and perhaps even jiggle them wildly over your clitoris. Make the loose tissue covering your clitoris slide across the body and glans of your clitoris. If you feel a need to be filled, insert a finger or two into your vagina, or a dildo if you have one. Remember to breath deeply. Do a mental check, are you relaxed? If you are not relaxed, stop masturbating and start doing your relaxation exercises. Again, only do this for 15-20 minutes at a time, 30 minutes maximum at this stage. You want to make yourself feel really good, but you do not want to intentionally try to have an orgasm. If an orgasm occurs, you want it to be a total surprise. If you are thinking about having an orgasm, you need to slow down, relax, and redirect your thoughts. You do not want your brain to know you are about to have an orgasm. Try relaxing and masturbating a couple times each session. Relax for 5 minutes, masturbate for 10 minutes, relax for another 5 minutes, and masturbate for another 10 minutes. When you find you can masturbate for 10 minutes without tensing up, do it for 15 minutes, then 20, then 30. If you find your fingers or body are getting tired or sore, stop and rest. You may also be pressing too hard, so trying using less pressure, and perhaps more mental stimulation. You probably will not experience orgasm the very first or first few times you try these exercises so do not try to. Simply enjoy the pleasures of touching yourself, as if you were a young girl exploring her body prior to knowing about orgasms. If you get to a point where you suddenly find your body is super tense you are trying too hard. Try to enjoy your body and the pleasure it gives you, not orgasm. You want to surprise yourself with an orgasm. If you feel yourself on the verge of orgasm, but cannot, you are probably trying too hard. You cannot force your body to have an orgasm. If you reach this point, stop and relax. If you are frustrated, crying will actually help relax you and release the tension.
Become an Explorer Not having an erect penis to contend with allows women to masturbate fully clothed and in public. If you are having trouble masturbating to orgasm by touching your genitals directly, leave your cloths on and start walking about your home and press and rub your genitals against everything you see. Try rubbing against furniture, appliances, beds, pillows, and your favorite stuffed animal (big ones work great). You name it, try it. Cool metal against bare skin may provide a pleasant shock. Try to picture yourself as a young girl who is realizing it feels good to press her vulva against things. When you find something that feels good, do it for a short while, stop for a few minutes, and start again or try something different. As a young girl, it is unlikely you would press your vulva against something for the first time, realize it felt good, and continued until orgasm in one session. You would keep going back and do it over and over again, until one day it felt really really good. Always stay relaxed, you want to surprise yourself with an orgasm. Remember, a young girl has no concept of orgasm even if she experiences them. You may want to try this wearing only panties, a nightgown, or even nude. Try wearing panties of different material, to get the right amount of friction. Placing a really thick maxi-pad or a small folded washcloth in your panties may recreate the feeling and padding a diaper provided as a young girl. Also try applying lubrication to your vulva, make it slippery, so your labia and clitoris slip and slide. You might try straddling a pillow while lying in bed, rocking your hips slowly, and sucking on the your thumb, role playing the part of a young girl in bed.
Vibrators
If you enjoy touching yourself with your fingers and can orgasm that way wonderful, but even then there may be times when you may want to experience the quick release a vibrator can provide. If you are trying to learn how to experience orgasm but your fingers get tired before you do, then try a high quality electric vibrator, such as the Hitachi Magic Wand. Not one of those cheap plastic phallus shaped vibrators, not that they are not useful at times, because they probably wont serve you as well as a $50 investment. While not always true with sex toys, in general you get what you pay for. Inserting a phallus shaped vibrator or dildo may not do anything for you, but on the other hand, inserting one into your vagina and/or anus may be the key to orgasm for you. Also consider trying a dildo as some women are sensitive to only vaginal/G-Spot stimulation, or need a combination of different types of stimulation. Other women require anal stimulation so consider experimenting with anal toys, and if your nipples are sensitive you may want to try nipple clamps, yes kinky but effective. If you are worried about going numb or becoming addicted to your vibrator, then use it on a low setting, and keep your pants on or place a folded towel over your vulva to soften the vibrations. You may not orgasm as quickly, but you will not condition yourself to intense sensations either. There is certainly nothing wrong with turning a vibrator on high and having a quick orgasm if you so desire. Keep in mind that many women are able to experience orgasm only while using a vibrator, they are not addicted, they simply know what works best. If something works, you use it. Vibrators were originally designed with the intent of stimulating women to orgasm, as manual stimulation was time consuming, or did not provide stimulation that was sustainable or intense enough to bring many women to orgasm. Vibrators were created as a labor saving device.
An Orgasm is an Orgasm is an Orgasm!!! No matter what you find you need to do to experience orgasm, that orgasm is equal to one given to you by stimulation caused by your partner's penis, which in general is very unlikely. If you judge the cause or nature of your orgasms you are doing yourself needless harm. If you need your stuffed animal or vibrator to reach orgasm, then bring them to bed along with your partner. You are not abnormal, but rather like millions of women just like you. Never fake orgasm, this only tends to backfire. By faking orgasm you are telling your partner they are doing everything correctly, which is probably opposite what you should be telling them. While you may give them an ego boost, your own self esteem is perhaps lowered. This makes experiencing orgasm more difficult to experience.
No Orgasm: No Intercourse! If you are pre-orgasmic, do not engage vaginal intercourse with your partner, at least not on a regular basis. The reason being, the majority of women do not experience orgasm as a result of vaginal stimulation alone. It is an activity where your partner is more likely to experience orgasm than you, and may cause you to feel left out and resentful. If participating in intercourse makes you feel good, womanly, and close to your partner, then engage in it occasionally but not always. If you engage in intercourse, ensure you clitoris is directly stimulated by you, your partner, or a vibrator, if you desire orgasm. Absolutely never fake an orgasm during intercourse.
During partner sex you want to ensure stimulation of your clitoris and/or other erogenous areas is the main event. Hug and kiss, give each other a full body massage, masturbate, engage in mutual masturbation, explore oral sex, and give anal stimulation a try. Consider engaging in non-penile forms of vaginal stimulation, perhaps use fingers or a dildo for G-Spot stimulation. Ensure your clitoris or erogenous areas receive as much, if not more, attention than his penis or her clitoris. Make sure your partner explores and stimulates your entire body, not only your clitoris. They will need to arouse you prior to stimulating your clitoris. Make sure you engage in periods of physical intimacy where orgasm is not the intent for either of you, do not confuse intimacy and sex. If your partner, male or female, is able to experience orgasm when you are unable to, it not unusual to feel left out and jealous, it is only normal. You may even become angry if they have an orgasm and you do not. Why do they get to if you cannot? You may feel they should go without too. If you do not experience orgasm, is it fair for them to go without, and would you want them too? On the other hand, who said life is always fair? While trading orgasms is not wise or realistic, your partner should probably go without at times too. They should focus their efforts on you, not themselves. While you do not need to have a fixed schedule, you certainly can take turns when it comes to giving and receiving pleasure. You both do not need to experience orgasm during every sexual experience to be happy or enjoy sex. Giving pleasure can be as enjoyable, if not more enjoyable, than receiving it. One day you can give them pleasure, the next day or time they give you pleasure. Take turns giving and being selfish. If you face major challenges to experiencing orgasm, partner sex may not be an option. If you are uncomfortable with physical intimacy, looking at or touching your body, or with masturbation, it is more difficult to enjoy sex with a partner. You simply may not be ready for partner sex at this point in your sexual development. If you have not explored and discovered your own sexuality, trying to with a partner could provide confusion rather than a solution. You are not responsible for your partner's sexual pleasure so it is certainly appropriate to tell them they must rely on masturbation to achieve their sexual pleasure. If they are truly concerned about your well being they will be understanding and supportive. If they
feel they have a "right" to have sex with you, they simply do not deserve to have sex with you.
Female Ejaculation
From the book A New View of a Woman's Body Copyright 1981, The Federation of Feminist Women's Health Centers Illustrated By: Suzann Gage, L Ac, RNC, NP
Female Body Fluids Before discussing female ejaculation I will first address female body fluids in general. Our society, as well as most others, views all forms of liquid that are produced by the female body with great disdain. Women are not permitted to openly perform most normal bodily functions; it is not seen as being feminine. Female body fluids are even considered harmful by many; there are societies in
which menstruating women are thought to cause crops to fail and livestock to die. This creates a significant barrier to sexual pleasure for women.
Women are expected to maintain a dry pristine appearance regardless of their current physical activity. Mothers once told their daughters it was unwise to engage in sports, as boys would see them sweaty and disheveled and this was seen as unattractive. Today, deodorant and antiperspirant ads drive home the idea, "Do not let them see you sweat." Women are told they need special stronger deodorants made just for them. Tampon and sanitary napkin advertising stresses the products ability to conceal a woman's menstruation from others more than their primary task of absorbing menses. Most women would prefer to have their fingernails ripped out one by one than be seen having an "accident;" menstruating in public. There are girls and women who learn to dislike the idea of urinating in a public bathroom, holding their urine all day until they get home. Are they perhaps afraid to be seen as less than pure by others?
Sweaty men are seen as sexual, virile. Their manhood is measured by their ability to produce large quantities of semen. They write their name in the snow with their urine and see who can ejaculate the furthest. Men making a mess with their ejaculate is seen as unavoidable, normal, and is never questioned. It is even idolized in adult movies. Men can ejaculate on the face, in the mouth, and on and in the body of their partner and it is seen as normal. If a woman gets her body fluids on her partner that is another story, she has made a dirty mess. This is an interesting double standard. If a man can cover his partner with his body fluids, a woman should be able to do the same.
Female sexuality is marred by these unwritten laws. It is hard to relax and enjoy sex if you are worried about sweating heavily or producing too much vaginal lubrication. Women who produce large quantities of vaginal lubrication, sweat, and who ejaculate have
been known to avoid sex rather than expose their partner or themselves to these fluids. Since women have no control over the release of these fluids during sexual activities some avoid sex all together rather than risk being seen as less than feminine by their partner. Though a woman's desire for sex may increase during her menstrual period she may not engage in sex during this time because she fears she will make a mess of things and is inherently undesirable. Social mores concerning female body fluids can significantly restrict female sexuality and pleasure.
Before a woman can learn to ejaculate, enjoy ejaculating, and enjoy sex in general she must accept her bodily fluids as normal. She must not question the nature or quantity of her wetness, be it sweat, vaginal lubrication, menses, ejaculate, or urine. These fluids are a normal and natural part of women's lives. There is nothing that is inherently bad about them. A woman cannot allow herself to ejaculate and experience potentially earth-shattering orgasms if she cannot let go when the pressure or urge to ejaculate arises. Ladies, give yourself permission to get wet and messy. Give yourself permission to have fun and enjoy sex.
As a result of the taboos concerning female body fluids, the main motivation behind the studies into female ejaculation appears to be the determination of whether or not the expelled fluid is urine. Some believe that if a woman ejaculates a liquid that is not urine like a man, it is normal and she cannot help it, she is normal. If she ejaculates urine they suggest she has a medical problem and is not normal. Authors who write about the G spot strive to persuade their readers that female ejaculate is not urine. Why this great importance over the exact nature of this fluid squirting from women's bodies? Does it really matter whether it is urine or ejaculate? If a woman gets a thrill out of squirting urine at the moment of orgasm, are we to say she has a problem? Do we mean to take this pleasure away from her? If a woman squirts urine at the moment of orgasm, let her, if she ejaculates uncontrollably, so be it. It is not our place to judge a woman's sexual pleasure.
A Female Prostate?
Click on Image to Enlarge From the book Eve's Secrets By Josephine Lowndes Sevely. Copyright 1987 Josephine Lowndes Sevely 2.4cm equals approxitmately 1 inch
During early fetal development both male and female fetuses start out being physically female; prior to the male fetus being able to produce its own hormones. The production of testosterone in male fetuses is not triggered until around the seventh or eighth week of fetal development; by the presence of the Y chromosome. This necessitates that female fetuses initially have rudimentary organs that could develop into either "male" or "female" reproductive and sexual organs. As a result, the tissue that develops into the male prostate gland also exists in women.
From the book: The Ciba Collection of Medical Illustrations: Volume 2, Reproductive System Prepared by: Frank H. Netter, M.D. Copyright 1954 and 1965 Ciba Pharmaceutical Company.
The female prostate is actually a collection of paraurethral glands. These glands surround the female urethra on all sides and empty into it through many small ducts. "Paraurethral" simply means "near the urethra." These glands can be seen in the two illustrations shown above. (Additional illustrations from the book Eve's Secrets by Josephine Lowndes Sevely can be seen in the Anatomy section.) The paraurethral glands are also called "Skene's Glands." The largest of these glands, there may be as many as thirty or more, are located near the urethral orifice and may in some cases open into the vulva. The quantity, size, and placement of these glands varies from woman to woman. During sexual arousal the paraurethral glands fill with fluid and may in some cases be felt through the vaginal wall; as demonstrated in the illustration at the top of the page. These glands produce the same alkaline fluid as the male prostate.
Urethral Sponge, Skene's Glands, Paraurethral Glands, or Prostate? Since the female pararethral glands do not have the same structure as the male prostate, it is not really appropriate to say women have a prostate gland. The female paraurethral glands do not form together into a single gland that drains through two ducts into the urethra as in the case of the male. The term "female prostate" is often employed since people already have some familiarity with the "male prostate" and can make a correlation between the two, even if they do not believe you. If you say "paraurethral glands," people usually have no idea as to what you are talking about. There are enough similarities between the two that it not a completely inappropriate statement to make, and simplifies the explanation, but not the debate.
There has been an ongoing debate concerning the presence of the female paraurethral glands for hundreds of years. Even before the
paraurethral glands were observed, the fluid produced by them had been known to exist since perhaps the dawn of time. Female ejaculation was once thought to be required if conception was to occur; the mixing of the male and female fluids was thought to result in conception. Early investigators, 1700's to present, of human anatomy have observed what appeared to them to be, two glands that drained into the urethra, a female prostate, multiple ducts that drained into the urethra, a mixture of small and large ducts and glands, or no ducts and glands at all. Why such varying observations and opinions? Primarily the differences in their observations can be attributed to the fact the earlier observers did not have the same type or level of education, and the anatomy of the paraurethral glands vary from woman to woman. Add to this, the language barrier and confusion caused by translations and passage of time. It is likely they were all correct, given the circumstances of their observations.
In the above illustration by Dr. Netter, he has labeled some of the glands as para-urethal or pari-urethral and the ones located closest to the urethral orifice as Skene's glands. The two glands located closest to the vulva are often called "Skene's glands." This is because Skene oberserved only two glands and named them after himself; believing he was the first to observe them. His description of the paraurethral glands has taken hold, as well as his name, even though others had already known about the existence of a female prostate, or multiple paraurethral glands, for at least one hundred years prior. As can been seen in the illustration shown below, others have supported the two gland theory ever since. The difference in the names used to describe these glands and their perceived quantity has led to some confusion. The paraurethral glands and Skene's glands are though the same thing.
Click on Image to See Full Size From the book Human Sex Anatomy By Robert Latou Dickinson M.D., F.A.C.S. Copyright 1949, The Williams & Wilkins Company
What Causes the Swelling? In the illustration shown at the top of the page, the tissue surrounding the urethra is labeled as the "urethral sponge;" the paraurethal glands are imbedded in this tissue. The tissue surrounding the female urethra is thought by many to be the same as that surrounding the male urethra; corpus spongiosum. The tissue surrounding the female urethra fills with blood during sexual arousal, as is the case in the male. This results in the tissue becoming firm to the touch. If the end result is the same, the cause would have to be the same, this would seem to make sense.
I propose this may not be the case. The corpus spongiosum tissue of the penis does not extend as far as the prostate gland. The female inner labia and vestibule glands are comprised of corpus spongiosum and would have formed the tissue surrounding the urethra as it passed through the penis had the genetic coding specified male, not female. If we have already accounted for the erectile tissue in women, how can it also surround the paraurethral
glands; especially since this is not the case in men? To my untrained eyes, two photographs in Sevely's book showing the cross-sections of the male and female urethras do not appear to show the same type tissue surrounding the male and female urethras. For these photographs to show the same types of tissue would they not have to be cross-sections of the male and female prostate? I believe these photographs show the male corpus spongiosum and the female paraurethral glands. One would not then expect to see the same type tissue.
The female urethra is part of the vagina, not a totally separate organ. The urethra passes through the tissue of the vagina. The vagina and urethra cannot be separated as is usually indicated in anatomy illustrations. In addition, the vagina has a rich blood supply and fills with blood during sexual arousal. This increased blood flow has already been found to cause vaginal lubrication; sometimes in significant amounts. If the tissue surrounding the urethra is engorged with blood, is it not possible the paraurethral glands kick into high gear and fill with prostatic fluid?
I propose the discernable swelling surrounding the female urethra is caused by the accumulation of alkaline fluid in the paraurethral glands; not solely by the swelling of erectile tissue. The tissue surrounding the urethra is rich in blood vessels; as the below illustrations clearly show. The illustration from Sevely's book shown above reveals a large collection of glands, one being quite large, a short distance into and above the vagina. This would perhaps account for the small area that swells and projects into the vagina, and that in some cases can be felt through the vaginal wall. It may also account for the concept of a "G spot." NOTE: The clitoris surrounds the urethra on three sides, as does the vestibule glands and bulbocavernous muscles, along the outer third of the urethra. The clitoris and vestibule glands also swell with blood during sexual arousal.
From the book: The Ciba Collection of Medical Illustrations: Volume 2, Reproductive System Prepared by: Frank H. Netter, M.D. Copyright 1954 and 1965 Ciba Pharmaceutical Company.
Do All Women Ejaculate? The latest research indicates the possibility that all women produce female ejaculate, even if they are not aware of it. The expelled or released fluid is not urine, it is an alkaline liquid secreted by the paraurethral glands. The paraurethral glands produce an enzyme called prostatic acid phosphatase (PAP) and glucose (a sugar). These substances have been found in much higher quantities in female ejaculate than are found in urine. The fluid from the paraurethral glands is released or expelled during orgasm as a result of pelvic muscle contractions. Stimulation of the G spot or paraurethral gland is not required for this to occur and it may occur in the absence of orgasm. The glands may simply overflow with fluid and as a result it seeps out.
Urine or Ejaculate?
I have already explained above that the paraurethral glands do in fact produce an alkaline fluid. In some cases, all of the fluid emitted from a woman's urethra is ejaculate. In other cases, the liquid is likely a mixture of ejaculate and urine, or only urine. There has not been sufficient research done to clarify exactly what the fluid is, in every instance. The research that has been done often provided conflicting results. There is research that concludes it is only ejaculate or that it is mostly urine with traces of ejaculate. It is clear though that most if not all women produce the alkaline fluid in at least small quantities. It may seep out versus be expelled and be confused with sweat and vaginal lubrication.
Is a woman urinating or ejaculating? This is a question that cannot be answer outside a medical lab. There is no accurate way of determining whether a woman is voluntarily squirting urine, experiencing incontinence, or ejaculating at the moment of orgasm. These fluids all exit the body through the urethra so the visible source is the same for them all. I'm not aware of any color, taste, or scent test that can be applied to the expelled liquid that will accurately distinguish them from one another. We are left with no other choice than to see them as indistinguishable, the same. NOTE: In her book The Clitoral Truth Rebecca Chalker states a simple smell test will tell you if it is urine or ejaculate. If the fluid has a acrid scent, it is urine. This may be true but what difference does or should it make? My concern is that if a woman or her partner decides she is squirting urine then they may see it as undesirable; inappropriate. My position is, it really does not matter what type of fluid is expelled and being concerned about it may create a barrier to pleasure for women. It is okay to be curious about these fluids, that is only natural, but it is not appropriate to judge them.
If you read the information presented on the website of Dr. Gary Schubach, he states his research has shown the majority of the fluid that is expelled originates in the bladder, but this expelled
fluid is not quite normal urine. In his research, the woman’s bladder was emptied using a catheter prior to orgasm. During orgasm, a catheter was in place and connected to a urine collection bag. Analysis of the fluid expelled during orgasm is the basis for his claim. There is one flaw with his methodology; the bladder sphincter is normally closed. If it were not, urine would simply flow out and there would be no "ejaculation" of fluid. What is the significance of creating an artificial passage and collecting the fluid expelled from the bladder during pelvic muscles contractions? During orgasm, does this passage normally exists even if only momentarily? Some claim otherwise or that fluid enters the bladder rather than exiting from it. Even if fluid does collect in the bladder during sexual arousal, would it normally be expelled during orgasm? Are all women the same or are there "normal variations?" Dr. Schybach's research is still important but it provides only part of the picture. Research into female ejaculation is still in its infancy so I am sure we can find flaws in all the studies when looking back at them, especially as new research becomes available.
Women who expel fluid during orgasm report the color, smell, consistency, and even taste, varies from one occurrence to the next. (It is safe for a person to taste their own ejaculate, and for couples who already exchange body fluids, but not for couples needing to practice safe sex.) Some have found their menstrual cycle influences the type of fluid expelled. What you eat is likely to have an effect on it, as will how much liquid you have consumed. There are women who report that it is sometimes clear and odorless, other times thick and pungent. Others report that it sometimes looks and smells like urine. It is safe to say, most women's ejaculate will vary with time, even during a single sexual episode.
How Much Liquid is Released?
The amount of fluid released by the paraurethral glands is reported to vary from a couple drops to almost two cups, 15 ounces [444 ml]. Two cups is a lot of liquid, can it really be that much? The paraurethral glands surround the urethra in an area about half an inch [1.25 cm] in diameter and 1.5 inches [3.8 cm] in length. An area of this size when filled with water can hold 0.163 oz [4.8 ml]. Even if the glands were to swell to fill an area 1 inch (2.5 cm] in diameter and 2 inches [5 cm] in length they could still only hold 0.87 oz [26 ml]. If the paraurethral glands can store less than 1 oz of liquid where does the other 14 ounces come from? Keep in mind these glands will continue to produce fluid for as long as a woman is sexually aroused, and as result a woman could produce more than 1 oz of ejaculate if multiple, or a continuous, releases of fluid occurred. One study found women produced 30 to 50 ccs [7 to 15 oz][30 to 50 ml] in 30 to 50 seconds. To produce this much fluid the glands would need to fill and empty once or more times per second. That means the paraurethral glands would need to produce 3 to 5 ccs [0.23 to 0.30 oz][3 to 5 ml] per second on average. If the paraurethral glands do have the capacity to fill and empty at a rapid rate, that would explain the large volumes of fluid measured by some investigators. It would also mean the longer a woman's orgasm lasted, the more she would ejaculate; as is often the case. If this is all true, it is possible for a woman to ejaculate a considerable amount of fluid without it being urine or liquid from the bladder. Obviously, more research needs to be done to clarify this; perhaps using ultrasound to observe the glands during sexual arousal and orgasm.
Who Has A G Spot? Defining the "Grafenberg spot" or "G spot" is not a simple task. Most would simply say it is an area of high sensitivity located within the paraurethral structures. The problem with this definition is, the sensitivity of this area is not likely to be constant. If a woman is not sexually aroused, she may not have a G spot. If the same woman is highly aroused and her paraurethral glands are engorged with prostatic fluid, she may have a very distinct G spot. There are
perhaps women who are not aware of a G spot even though they ejaculate and experience a more intense orgasm if their paraurethral glands are stimulated. It is for these reasons that it is important for people not to form a concrete definition of what a G spot is. Each woman will create her own definition, one valid only for her.
The next question for debate concerns whether or not "all" women have a G spot or G crest. This is not really a valid question. The G spot indicates the "sensitivity" of a non-specific area of tissue. The "G-Crest" defines the swollen "condition" of the paraurethral glands during sexual arousal. There are no anatomical structures with these names. This is in part why people have trouble finding it. What one needs to look for are the paraurethral glands. All women have these and it is likely that they all produce at least a small amount of fluid that may seep out and mix with the other fluids that are present in much larger quantities. NOTE: As in the case of men, these glands can become infected and cause pain and discomfort during urination. Women who experience chronic urinary infections or pain should consult with a doctor to see if they may have the female equivalent of "prostatitis."
How Do You Locate the Paraurethral Glands? How does one locate these paraurethral glands? Quite simply, you locate the urethra. The urethral opening is located directly above the vaginal opening, below the clitoris. You can see it with your bare eyes; though it can be hard to find in some cases. The urethra extends back from the urethral opening, urethral meatus, into the body, along the front or upper wall of the vagina for 1.5 to 2 inches [3.8 to 5 cm]. While you can see the urethral opening, you cannot
see the paraurethral glands themselves. Using a speculum, you might be able to see the swollen paraurethral glands projecting into the vagina through the vaginal wall. The video mentioned below shows this. Adventures people may want to slip a finger or two into their own or their partner's vagina while they urinate so they can feel the urine passing through the urethra. This will help you locate its exact position. Once you have located the urethra, you have a bases for seeking out a possible area along it that is highly sensitive to stimulation, a G spot.
In her book Female Ejaculation & The G-Spot Deborah Sundahl presents information about the anatomy and location of the female prostate gland gathered by Dr. Zaviacic and published in 1999. He found 70% of women have a ramp-shaped prostate gland where the thickest part is situated near the urethral opening, 15% have a ramp-shaped prostate where the thickest part is located near the bladder, 7% have a prostate gland that is thickest near the middle of the urethra, and 8% of women have a "rudimentary prostate" that has few ducts and glands. This means one must explore the full length of the urethra, 1.5-2 inches (3.8-5 cm) along the upper wall of the vagina, when attempting to locate the G-Spot. This research also indicates more than 90% of women have a well defined prostate gland, even if they cannot locate it or do not ejaculate.
The Importance of Clitoral Stimulation! The clitoris probably holds the key to female ejaculation for most women. If the clitoris is not stimulated a woman is less likely to become highly aroused. If she is not highly aroused, her paraurethral glands will not fill with fluid. If her paraurethral glands are not swollen she may not have a G spot. If her clitoris is not stimulated she is less likely to reach orgasm, preventing the
rhythmic contractions of the pelvic muscles that expel and release the ejaculate. So quite simply, before you can go exploring for the G spot, you must master clitoral stimulation beforehand. There are women who are orgasmic and ejaculate when their G spot or vagina alone is stimulated, this ability is likely to be discovered accidentally versus intentionally.
How Do You Stimulate the Paraurethral Glands? So now that you have an idea as to the location of the G spot, how do you stimulate it? The most versatile tools to use are your fingers. They are firm but flexible. They have feeling and give you feedback. For the solo explorer though, fingers can be a problem. They just are not very long. Plus, if one hand is stimulating your clitoris, it limits access to your vagina with your other hand. So in addition to fingers, dildos and/or vibrators are usually required for finding and stimulating the G spot. (I will refer to both vibrators and dildos as dildos for the sake of convenience) Notice I used the plural 'dildos', not the singular 'dildo'. There is a considerable chance that you may have to try many different dildos to find the right one.
Choosing a Dildo How do you pick out a dildo for G spot stimulation? Trial and error. The dildos that do have a good success rate are those that are curved near the tip, called G spot stimulators, and penis shaped dildos with a prominent ridge at the junction of the glans and shaft. Some women find hard plastic dildos work best, others, soft flexible ones. Some find that makeshift dildos work great, cucumbers, brush handles, mirror handles, etc. Others prefer slim dildos that
they can be directed at a specific area within their vagina, others prefer their vagina to be filled and stretched to the maximum. If you are going to buy a dildo to use for G spot stimulation, be prepared to buy and try many. Any woman who is seriously considering using dildos needs to be aware that she will most likely have a collection of favorites, versus one special one. As women's moods change, so do their dildo needs. While women often start out with one, many soon find they have a drawer full of them. Some women prize their collections.
To Pee or Not to Pee Since the physical act of female urination is so similar to female ejaculation, many women have found erotic enjoyment in urinating during sex, solo and with a partner. Women seeking to learn to ejaculate may find themselves squirting urine versus actually ejaculating, not being able to tell them apart. This is because both urination and ejaculation require a woman to be able to let go and relax her bladder sphincter and her pelvic muscles. If you keep your bladder sphincter closed and tighten your pelvic muscles, you cannot urinate or ejaculate. Women seeking to ejaculate are advised to push out when the urge to urinate or ejaculate comes over them at the point of orgasm. Doing this gives your body permission to ejaculate, but it also gives your body permission to urinate. You have no control over which occurs. You will just be aware of the physical sensations that occur. The sensations of both may be pleasant and indistinguishable. Hence learning to urinate intentionally at the point of orgasm may help a woman learn to ejaculate.
Learning to be able to urinate at the point of orgasm is likely to be easier done alone than with a partner. You will probably find it easier to relax, and you wont be as concerned about the resulting wetness. Doing this in the bathtub has some advantages, one you do not have to worry about the wetness, soaking in warm water
will help relax you, and cleanup is a snap. Drink a couple glasses of water a short while before starting; allow your bladder to fill. It does not need to feel full, but you do not want it to be empty either. Lie back in the tub, or lay on several towels on your bed. Start to masturbate. Caress your clitoris. Slipping your fingers or a dildo into your vagina may feel nice. You do not need to necessarily move them back and forth inside your vagina. Allow the sexual buildup to occur slowly. Practice tightening and relaxing your pelvic muscles, commonly called Kegel exercises.
Think about the act of urinating, of letting go. Allowing your bladder to fill will result in you feeling the need to urinate. The closer you are to the point of orgasm, the stronger the urge to urinate is likely to become. Hold back on your orgasm until you feel you cannot hold your urine a second longer. At the point of orgasm press out and relax your pelvic muscles, welcome the feeling of the urine escaping from your bladder. The stronger the force behind the urine, the greater the sensations are likely to be. So push and try to squirt your urine. It takes practice to be able to let go spontaneously, since you have been conditioned to maintain strict control over your urination habits. It may also help to vocalize the release, make some noise. Intentionally crying out will help with the release. Scream "YES."
Learning to Ejaculate Moving on to ejaculation only requires a couple slight changes in technique. Empty your bladder first; you will want to let go without a full bladder producing the pressure or urge. The urge should still develop, just not be the result of a full bladder. The urge to ejaculate may not occur without there being stimulation of your paraurethral glands. This is likely to require the use of a dildo if you are alone. As you massage your clitoris, using your fingers or a dildo stimulate your urethra by massaging the top of your vagina; using only light pressure at first. Massage the full length of your
urethra, from the opening of your vagina back into your vagina a couple inches. Keep up the clitoral massage. Try different pressures and strokes. Massaging the urethral opening may feel pleasant as well. Stimulating your urethra may cause you to feel the need to urinate, as is desired. Do not fight the urge; go with the flow, literally. Relax and breathe deeply.
If you find a spot that is highly sensitive, you may want to concentrate solely on it, but you may find it is too sensitive to stimulate directly. If your G spot is highly sensitive, you may find you are only able to tolerate its stimulation when you are very close to orgasm, when your pain threshold has increased. Keep massaging your clitoris and urethra. Continue to the point of orgasm. A slow build up, with lots of teasing, may help produce the greatest urge and strongest orgasm. When orgasm occurs, relax your bladder and press out as if urinating. If you ejaculate you will likely feel a new and strong sensation, if not, you will still experience a strong orgasm, so nothing is lost. You may not be aware of any increased wetness until after the orgasm has subsided. Being able to ejaculate may take practice, even if you are able to squirt urine during orgasm. It is not known whether all women can ejaculate, so you just have to experiment. In any event it should be pleasurable.
With a Partner A woman's partner can bring her to an orgasm that includes ejaculation. If a woman already knows she is capable of ejaculating, she should let her partner know, not pray that it will not happen again. She should discuss the increased wetness that occurs with her partner; at least prepare them for it. Hopefully they will see your ejaculations as erotic. If they do not, reeducating them about female fluids and ejaculation may persuade them to at least accept the ejaculations as normal even if they do not like the associated wetness.
There is perhaps one big advantage to having a partner stimulate you to orgasm when you are trying to ejaculate, they will not stop the stimulation unless you tell them too. If you are masturbating and you start to feel uncomfortable, out of control, you will likely stop immediately. This could prevent you from experiencing orgasm and ejaculation. With a partner you can agree beforehand that they will not stop, even if you say, "stop." (Doing this requires using a "safe word" that indicates, "Stop!" for real. This is a word you are not likely to say accidentally during sex, without thinking about it.) If you find you pull away, you can ask that they hold or follow you so you cannot move away from the stimulation. Of course you should only do these things if you really trust your partner, they need to be forceful without going to far.
How do you stimulate your partner's paraurethral glands? Your hands provide excellent tools to use. The best way to stimulate the inside of their vagina, along the upper wall, is to create a hook with your index finger. Imagine you want to signal to someone standing across the room that you want them to come toward you. You turn your hand palm up and signal with your index finger by making a hook, curling it up and straightening it repeatedly. You can do the same thing with one or two fingers inside the vagina. Massaging the upper wall of the vagina, from the opening back two inches. Start out with a very light touch. Press your fingers up and toward the front, pointing toward the pubic bone, or clitoris. Use the urethral opening as a guide. Use a generous amount of lubrication; even if she is dripping wet.
Start out by getting her aroused with manual and/or oral clitoral stimulation. Continue the clitoral stimulation as you massage her urethral glands. Ask your partner if there is a specific spot or area that produces intense or enjoyable sensations when you massage it, her G spot. As you sense her getting closer to orgasm, apply a firmer touch, if she enjoys it. Maintain a constant and steady rhythm. Follow through, continue the massage up through her orgasm. Then switch to a very light caressing touch as she comes
down from her orgasm. If she experiences multiple orgasms her orgasms and ejaculations may become more intense, and the amount of ejaculation may increase, the more orgasms she has. If she orgasms with your fingers inside her vagina, her vaginal muscles may squeeze them very tightly, do not pull out; press in gently.
You can also stimulate your partner to ejaculation using a dildo. This requires more verbal communication as you cannot feel exactly what the dildo is doing. She needs to let you know what feels good, or bad. Some women may like for the tip of the vibrator to be pointed at their urethra, others may prefer a full feeling. The stretching and pressure created by large dildos or an entire hand may stimulate the urethra enough to cause an ejaculation, even if that is not the intent.
A woman may also ejaculate during intercourse, with a penis or a dildo in a harness. What does seem to work best are positions that result in the penis or dildo stimulating the upper wall of the vagina. Like when a woman's partner kneels between her knees when she is on her hands and knees, or when she is on top controlling the direction and force of the thrusting. Some women may ejaculate during intercourse without even trying; others may find it a challenge. It is more likely if she already ejaculates frequently during manual massage. Practice makes perfect.
Some Health Concerns Unfortunately, there can be some negative side affects to massaging the urethra. The urethra is highly sensitive and is easily irritated. Even normal intercourse can irritate a woman's urethra, resulting in painful urination and infection. This is especially true of virgins and women with tense pelvic muscles as they are too tight,
resulting in there being too much friction between their vagina and the thrusting penis or dildo. Intentionally stimulating the urethra increases the chances of there being irritation and infection. To help prevent infections and reduce the chances of irritation, a woman should drink lots of water and urinate just before and right after urethral stimulation, or sex in general if you are prone to urinary tract infections. Just release a little bit of urine before sex if you are trying things with a full bladder. They also recommend women drink cranberry juice, or take a cranberry supplement, as its acidic level helps to ward off the bacteria that cause infections. If you experience irritation, painful urination, or infection, try using less pressure when massaging or stimulating the urethra. The urethra may become accustomed to the stimulation with time, but do not torture yourself, or inflict multiple infections. Have fun, but do not hurt yourself.
The Wetness Dealing with the wetness. If you ejaculate there may be just a little liquid expelled or there could be a lot. If you are intentionally squirting urine or ejaculate repeatedly, there may be a liquid everywhere. Since you usually sleep where you have sex, ejaculations can present a problem. If you only ejaculate a little, simply keeping a couple towels near the bed may be the solution. If you gush, then towels may not be enough. Having a plastic cover on the mattress and extra sheets may do the trick, though changing the sheets and cleaning up may not be the way you want to relax after sex. You can buy the bed pads hospitals use, just say you are caring for a sick child or parent, as they are absorbent and have a plastic backing. They are sometimes sold with incontinence supplies at your local store as well. You can try having sex in the tub or shower. Consider having a second bed or an air mattress to have sex on. For women who ejaculate every time, regardless of whether they want too, cleanup can be bothersome at times, and does take some getting use too. Just try to keep a positive attitude and be prepared with extra towels and sheets. A supportive partner always helps.
Real or Faked? I hate to be the barer of bad news, but the chances are, the women seen ejaculating in adult movies are most likely urinating, not ejaculating. They are intentionally squirting urine to simulate orgasm and true female ejaculation. The proof of this is the shear volume they expel. True ejaculation is almost impossible to capture on film, it is over in a blink of an eye. Even in a video produced by women, titled 'How to Female Ejaculate', features one woman who, while appearing to be having real orgasms, is obviously squirting urine, lots of urine, not just ejaculating. She does enjoy herself immensely though, so it is entertaining to watch. When I mentioned I thought this girl was urinating, not ejaculating to the star and producer of this video, she did not deny it. The other women in the video do appear to actually ejaculate, and I highly recommend it to those who want to learn how or to just see female ejaculation. Enjoy mainstream ejaculation videos, but keep in the back of your mind that it is all fantasy.
From the May 2000 issue of Self magazine. "Women ejaculate, too There's more than one way to make a wet spot - in fact, there's a whole camp of doctors who believe that all women ejaculate when they have an orgasm. In one study from Florida State University in Tallahassee, 82 percent of women said they experienced a release of fluid at the moment of orgasm. Haven't noticed this yourself? "Since most women are lying on their backs during sex and the amount of fluid is so small [about a teaspoon], it sometimes doesn't come out," explains Beverly Whipple, professor at Rutgers University and president of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists. "But research has demonstrated that all women ejaculate a substance through the urethra that is not urine."”
Orgasm: Did She?
Illustration by Patsy Website FromLifeDrawings.com
Of Course I Did! One of the most inappropriate questions to ask a woman after you have made love to her is reported to be, "Did you have an orgasm?" A woman's likely response to this question will be, "Well of course I did!" or "If you really cared about me you would know!" That is if she is still on speaking terms with you and you are not sleeping on the couch. Her reaction to this question may be very negative regardless of whether she had an orgasm, real or faked. This is because of the social expectations placed upon her. Society leads us to believe she would naturally have had an orgasm, because it is required of her, if she is to be considered a normal and modern woman.
Social Pressure While female orgasm was overlooked in the past, discarded, now it is assumed all women have them. In fact, now they may be required to have more than one and to have them quickly. They are also expected to be orgasmic regardless of the type of stimulation their partner provides, or their partner's sexual skill and knowledge. All the women on television and in the movies do, especially adult movies that show people having "real sex." The front covers of women's magazines at the store checkout counter inform us how every woman can have "mind-blowing orgasms" if they follow the "simple" suggestions inside. Romance novels, as well as movies, are full of women who are orgasmic at the mere touch of a man or woman. A woman may believe all her friends have orgasms during partner sex since they have never told her otherwise, and she is not usually permitted to ask. Women are never taught how to have an orgasm so orgasm must occur instinctively, and automatically. Women should simply lie there and have an orgasm right? If they do not have an orgasm, they are not fulfilling their obligation to their partner and society.
Perception of Orgasm Despite our expectations, it is not always easy to tell if a woman has had an orgasm. Few women present all the classic signs of sexual arousal and orgasm as presented in textbooks and on this website. Even if they do, it is hard to be aware of them during sexual passion. These indications of orgasm are based on watching multiple women experience orgasm in a laboratory environment; not the bedroom with the lights off and the bed covers pulled up. The "data" collected was used to compile a list of common physical responses. These common responses have become "expectations" versus possibilities. This is where mechanics can interfere with pleasure; when one tries to meet a definition for which they were
never intended to. You cannot check off boxes on an orgasm scorecard to determine if you or your partner has had an orgasm. The only way to know if a woman has had an orgasm is by her telling you that she has, because it really comes down to whether she has "perceived" that she has, not whether it looks or feels like she did.
There is no foolproof way of knowing if a woman has had an orgasm, even for the woman herself. The physical qualities of a woman’s orgasms, and as a result her perception of them, is likely to change from orgasm to orgasm. There are times when she may not know whether she has actually had an orgasm versus experience intense sexual pleasure; which can at times be more enjoyable than an orgasm. If a woman has an orgasm, that does not automatically mean she experienced pleasure, or at least intense pleasure. An orgasm can be boring! A woman's orgasm may produce so little physical sensation she may wonder if it really was an orgasm. According to Betty Dodson, she has witnessed women having orgasms when they did not perceive that they had. Other women just do not know if they do, not knowing for sure, but they think they do. If a woman is not likely to know whether she has had an orgasm in every instance, is it reasonable to expert her partner to know?
Learning to Fake It! Add to this the fact that most young men and women have no idea what a woman looks, sounds, and feels like during orgasm because they have never been taught this information. If anything, society makes every effort to prevent young people from having access to it. We consider it abnormal and harmful if a child or teenager should witness a woman having an orgasm. Society makes little or no effort to teach people about female sexual pleasure and orgasm. What we do teach people is not an accurate representation of reality. Are movies and television a good source of information,
especially given that most often the orgasms and sexual pleasure they portray are faked? If anything, this is why orgasms are frequently faked during "real" sex; fifty-five percent of women fake orgasm at least occasionally. We teach girls and women how to fake orgasm and their partner is taught to expect fake orgasms.
Should You Ask? Should you ask your partner if she experienced orgasm? While it is not a bad question to ask, it is perhaps not the best one to ask. This is because you are likely in a situation of not being able to do anything about it if they did not. By this I mean, you cannot go back in time, and the desire and opportunity for sex may have passed if you wait until after sex to ask her. If they have not, all you can do about it is feel a little disappointed, either in yourself or your partner, or both. As a result, the question that needs to be asked is, "Do you want to have an orgasm?" and that question needs to be asked at the onset of sex. You want to be proactive versus reactive.
Taking Responsibility The primary thing that must occur is for a woman to take responsibility for her sexual pleasure and satisfaction. She cannot leave it to chance or dream of finding her knight in shining armor, they usually only exist in fairy tales. Each woman must decide how important her sexual pleasure is to her. The more important it is, the more effort she, not her partner, must put into experiencing it. She must also define what is pleasurable to her, not mold herself into someone she is not. While it sounds cold and unromantic, she must see her partner as an instrument for her pleasure, as a tool at her disposal, to be used for her benefit. This is how society
permitted men to view women in the past. As long as both partners hold this same view of the other, neither becomes a sexual object because in the process of fulfilling their own desires, they will fulfill their partner's. That is if they are both honest and as equally giving as they are selfish.
Does She have the Desire and Ability? Next a woman must decide whether she wants or is able to have an orgasm at the onset of each sexual experience. Women often fake orgasm because they do not want to have an orgasm, or know their body well enough to know one is not likely to occur during the forth-coming sexual experience. They may want to engage in sex because they enjoy the physical intimacy and pleasure even if orgasm is not a possibility. If a woman wants to have an orgasm and if one is possible, she needs to communicate this to her partner up front. She can be forthright by saying, "I want to have an orgasm." or she may request a form of sex that will most likely result in an orgasm. She can say, "Give me oral pleasure." If she does not want to have an orgasm, or is not likely to have one, she can say, "Tonight is for you." or "I want to give you pleasure." She also has to be able to say "no" and "stop." If during cunnilingus she realizes she is not going to experience orgasm, she needs to say, "You can stop now if you want." or simply, "Please stop." I realize this does not fall within the guidelines of what we consider romantic sex, but then neither is faking orgasm. A woman really needs to be honest with herself and her partner if she is to truly enjoy sex, regardless of whether orgasm occurs or not. A woman must communicate clearly to her partner what she means by her statements and actions prior to the sexual act. A woman must clearly state what she wants and needs, even if that entails clearly stating you do not know what you want. Ladies, your partner is not a mind reader, and you did not come with an owner’s manual!
Whose Pleasure is it Anyways? What should a woman's partner do? They must acknowledge and accept that her pleasure and orgasms are for her benefit, not their own. Increasingly, men and women expect women to orgasm on command. They want women to orgasm quickly and repeatedly during every sexual experience. Not simply because they want to give their partner pleasure, but also to demonstrate their own sexual skill and prowess. They want to live up to society's expectations. They want bragging rights, even if they cannot actually brag to their friends and family. They want to feel good knowing they achieved this "goal." This has understandably resulted in women feeling pressured to have orgasms, to make their partner happy, to live up to their partner's and society's expectations. Since these are unrealistic expectations, women frequently fake orgasm as a result. To prevent this, a woman's partner must give her permission not to have an orgasm, and ask her not to fake orgasm.
Perhaps a woman's partner can say to her, "I understand women often fake orgasm and there are times when you may do this. If you have felt the need to fake orgasm in the past, and should feel the need to do so in the future, I would prefer that you did not. I want you to know you have my permission not to have an orgasm if you should feel you cannot or do not want to have one. If you do want to have an orgasm, tell me so and tell me how I can best help you to have an orgasm." Open communication is essential.
Illustration by Patsy Website FromLifeDrawings.com
Treat Every Experience as if it Were the First In addition, a woman's partner should look at each sexual experience with her as if it were their very first. This is because you do not know what she really wants until she tells you. After she has told you, you do not know what will satisfy her needs until you try, and just because it worked the last time does not mean it will work again. If you have been together for twenty years, do you expect her to want the same thing over and over again? Just because something worked one hundred times before does not mean it will work one hundred and one times. Women, as well as men, are not machines with a set program of needs and responses that never change. Most often, we do have a very narrow view of what our partner wants and desires, even if we have never asked and she has never told us. Society tells us what they should want and we assume that is what they want. Doing this is a big mistake. A woman's partner must be adaptable and accepting of her needs. To really fulfill a woman's needs, her partner must act as if they
know nothing and be accepting of her expressed wishes and desires without reservation.
What Does She Want and Need? Once you accept that you do not know what her needs are, you must find out what they are. How do you do that? Many would say read a book about female sexuality, or perhaps visit a website such as this one. The problem with that is, your partner probably did not write that book or create that website. Neither may be an accurate, or at least a complete, guide of who she is or what her needs are; though some may try to convince otherwise. If you really want to know what a woman wants, you have to ask her. While she may know, she also may not. The greater a woman's level of knowledge, experience, and acceptance of her sexuality, the better idea she may have of her needs. If she has never engaged in masturbation or partner sex, she probably has no idea of what her needs are and how best to meet them. She may only know what she is expected to enjoy, which is very likely not what she really wants and needs. Since women do change over time, because of changes in their mind and body caused by their menstrual cycle, pregnancy, and life's ups and downs, they wont always know what they want and need. The same is true of men of course. You have to look at it as an adventure.
Become an Explorer If you want to be a great lover, you first have to be a great explorer. To be a great explorer, you have to put the books and keyboards away and go do some field research. You have to ask questions and test your ideas. If in the process of exploring you do not make some wrong turns and find yourself at times lost, or have
some failed attempts, you did not really do any exploring. If at times you are not frustrated or embarrassed, you never challenged yourself. If you never experience failure, you may be an okay lover, but you will never be a lover your partner cherishes. He or she who has never failed has never experienced greatness!
Eliminate the Need to Ask What if orgasm does occur? If a woman does have an orgasm, she needs to communicate this to her partner, not expect them to know intuitively. She can simply state, "I had an orgasm." or "Thanks for the wonderful orgasm." She should not expect her partner to know that she did, even if she thinks or feels it was obviously so. It is also a good idea for both parties to thank their partner for the pleasure they are given, even if orgasm does not occur.
When Her Wants Go Unfulfilled Couples should be open to the possibility of situations occurring where the woman's partner thinks she has had an orgasm when she actually did not. After a sexual experience a woman’s partner may be feeling content when she is feeling disappointed because of this misinterpretation of events. This happens because it is not uncommon for women to present the common signs or indications of orgasm during sexual arousal. A woman's partner on hearing her suddenly cry out or upon feeling her thighs or vagina twitch may be led to believe she has had an orgasm and stop their sexual stimulation. One way to help prevent this is for a woman to be aggressive during sex, by taking control of what her partner does. Do not allow your partner to stop until you have had an orgasm, if that is what you want. Tell them not to stop, do not be afraid to
use mild physical force to get what you want and need. If you sense they are stopping or slowing down, do not be afraid to ask otherwise. If you really want something, you have to let them know. Do not abuse your partner in the process though.
Communication If after sex a woman did not have an orgasm, even though she wanted to, she needs to communicate this to her partner. The couple needs to address ways of preventing this in the future, when possible. Perhaps during or after dinner the next day the woman can ask her partner if they can "discuss" their prior night’s sexual experience. She can then explain how she wanted to have an orgasm but was not able to, and then explain why. She needs to be sensitive of her partner’s feelings, but be honest never the less. Once she has presented her side, she needs to ask her partner to present theirs. Both need to ask questions until they understand what each is saying. Once they both know both sides of the situation, and not before, they can consider possible solutions. It may simply be a case where her partner did not know she wanted them to stimulate her longer but were willing had they known, or they were simply too tired to continue. It may also be a case where they do not know how to stimulate her to orgasm and she needs to teach them. They may need to discuss the possibility that she needs and/or wants to masturbate if this situation should occur again. If a woman does not communicate her desire for orgasm to her partner, she will likely find her desires are never fulfilled.
When Orgasm Becomes a Barrier to Pleasure
Couples need to be open to the idea that orgasm can be a barrier to sexual pleasure. Couples often see orgasm as the red light of sex, the signal to stop. Both partners go for as long as the light is green, meaning orgasm has not occurred. That means any sexual pleasure only takes place prior to and during orgasm. What if both partners have an orgasm within five minutes? Compare that to a couple where one or both have trouble reaching orgasm and they engage in sex for thirty to sixty minutes. Which couple has the greatest potential for experiencing sexual pleasure? Surprisingly, not the couple who experiences orgasm quickly, if at all. Orgasm is like a fireworks show, dazzling while it lasts but always over too soon. Do not make orgasm the sole goal of sex or intimacy.
There is More to Sex than Orgasm Orgasm is simply a form of sexual pleasure, not necessarily the most ideal form. Having an orgasm does not mean you will experience intense sexual pleasure or achieve sexual fulfillment. Giving your partner an orgasm does not make you a great lover. Yes, orgasm can feel great and make life more enjoyable, but one must not place unreasonable expectation upon it. Once orgasm becomes the sole purpose of sex, sex can become boring and unsatisfying. When orgasm is expected, it becomes a means of frustration, not a means of relaxation. Look at orgasm as if it were chocolate ice cream. Some people do not like chocolate and others are allergic to it. Even when people do like it, they usually do not want it every single time they have ice cream, and there are times when you can have it but know it is better to go without.
Masturbation
From the book "Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving" by Betty Dodson. Copyright 1987, 1983, 1974 By Betty Dodson.
Masturbation is Rewarding! Masturbation gives women the opportunity to explore their body while at the same time giving them a high degree of sexual freedom. It allows women the opportunity to experience sexual pleasure without relying on a partner and to release sexual tension when "they" choose to. Masturbation can be very empowering for women as it gives them increased control over their body and sexuality. Masturbation is a great teaching tool, it teaches women about their body, how it responds to sexual stimulation. For many
normal and healthy women masturbation is their primary or only means of experiencing orgasm. Many women experience their most intense orgasms while masturbating because they can provide the ideal mental and physical stimulation they require without worrying about the wants of their partner. Masturbation is extremely beneficial to women throughout their life, from infancy to maturity. While a woman will not always have a sexual partner, she will always have herself.
Why Learning Early in Life is Important Masturbation is the first and most import sexual skill a girl or woman should learn as it frequently holds the key to enjoying other forms of sexual activity. Ideally, this skill is learned prior to puberty but far too often it is not learned until a women is in her late teens, early twenties, or later. The reason it should be learned, or at least known about, prior to puberty is so teens have a constructive means of addressing their developing sex drive. It also increases their awareness of their ever-changing body, and provides some sense of control over it. If a teen knows how to masturbate, she is less likely to be compelled to seek out a sexual partner before she is emotionally and physically ready; while girls start menstruating between the ages of ten and fourteen, their body is not truly prepared for pregnancy, childbirth, and nursing until late in their teens. Masturbation provides young women with an option other than sexual frustration or sex with a partner.
Learning to masturbate to orgasm at an early age is often easier than later in life when we have learned social mores and expectations that frequently create barriers to sexual pleasure and orgasm. As we get older and become educated we tend to think about things too much. It is often better to learn to masturbate and potentially experience orgasm prior to knowing what you are doing
and how others view those activities. Things teens and women have learned and experienced may cause orgasmic impairment. When masturbation is learned early in life, girls often continue to even if they feel guilty or fear being punished, because of the pleasure and relaxation it brings them. Innocence and naivety does have its benefits.
How Do Women and Girls Masturbate? Women and girls masturbate in an endless list of ways. They may massage their clitoris with hands and fingers or rub their vulva up against pillows, bed cloths, stuffed animals, and furniture. Some use water spray, vibrators, and dildos to stimulate their vulva or vagina. The vagina appears to play a limited role in the masturbation practices of women, but vaginal insertion is by no means rare or unusual. Some women employ nipple and/or anal stimulation in addition to clitoral and vaginal stimulation. Fantasy often plays a major role in a woman's masturbation activities. The brain is the largest and most important sexual organ and as a result physical stimulation alone is frequently not sufficient to trigger orgasm.
The Right Way? It is important to understand there is no "correct" or "right" way to masturbate. Some women feel they should be able to masturbate to orgasm using a different or more correct method because they hear other women do it that way. It is important to keep in mind that each woman’s anatomy is a little different and her psychological makeup is a lot different. This results in every woman
masturbating differently, even if they use the same basic technique.
While many women can masturbate to orgasm employing several different techniques, others find they can reach orgasm only when they use the same method each time. There is nothing wrong with this. Partly because of conditioning and partly because of differences in woman's bodies, learning new techniques can be difficult or even impossible. If you are orgasmic with your current masturbation technique, feel free to experiment, but do not feel you have to reach orgasm in other ways too. Remember, masturbation should be fun and enjoyable no matter how you do it.
From the book "Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving" by Betty Dodson. Copyright 1987, 1983, 1974 By Betty Dodson.
For the Wrong Reasons
There are women who masturbate for the wrong reasons, this results in them not masturbating as often as they could, should, or would. We often have negative feelings about masturbation and feel guilty when we do. Women are sometimes concerned by the fact that they masturbate and the frequency at which they do so. This frequently results in them not masturbating as often as would be emotionally and physically beneficial to them. Those reasons are explored below.
A Question of Need Women often use the word "need" to describe their masturbation habits. Some women say, "I need to masturbate weekly." or "I need to masturbate daily." By saying they "need" to masturbate they are unknowingly trying to justify their frequency of masturbation. If they did not have to, they would not, at least not as often. They are implying they do not have a choice. Other women say, "I only need to masturbate once a month." or "I do not need to masturbate very often." These women are unknowingly saying that while they would prefer not to masturbate at all, they sometimes will as a last resort. A woman who feels comfortable masturbating would not avoid masturbating. She would not forego masturbating for so long she felt she absolutely had to or go crazy with sexual frustration. By using the word "need" to describe their masturbation habits, women are saying they feel masturbation is inappropriate, even though they may masturbate frequently. A woman who is comfortable masturbating is more likely to say, "I enjoy masturbating daily." or "I masturbate once a week."
Lack of Peer and Social Support
In spite of the sexual revolution, female masturbation is still somewhat taboo. Even though popular songs, movies, and television shows make mention of female masturbation, or the use of vibrators, it is not a common topic of discussion. Madonna's touching of her genitals on stage was seen more as an obscene gesture than as a public display of a normal sexual act. In my experience, men and women are more likely to make mention of boys and men masturbating than girls and women. This is in part due to a lack of slang words to describe female masturbation. It is given that men and boys masturbate, but for girls and women, even though it is commonly accepted that it is okay for them to, they are not expected to. If a woman does not know that her peers masturbate and that they presume that she does, she is less likely to do it, or if she does, she feels guilty. Even if it is acceptable to do something, people are less likely to do it if they do not know their peers do it. Since women do not generally talk about it, it is presumed that they do not masturbate.
From the book "Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving" by Betty Dodson. Copyright 1987, 1983, 1974 By Betty Dodson.
Only Single Women Masturbate
There is a negative social stigmatism attached to the label of being a "single woman." The majority of women I know refuse to go to a public social event alone. How often do you see a woman by herself at a restaurant, the movies, or the theater, compared to men? It is "okay" to be single, but everyone would prefer to see you with a partner. It is socially acceptable to be a single man but less so to be a single woman. Since there are so few single women, and only single women need to masturbate, there are not many women who masturbate. While this is hardly true, it does describe the premise behind why some women do not masturbate. They do not because if they have a partner, they do not feel they should have to, or if they are single, masturbating would substantiate their single status. If they were not single, they would not have to masturbate. Instead of masturbating, they go in search of a sexual partner. This results in many unhappy unions and sexually unsatisfied women.
Masturbation Equals Infidelity Since masturbation is seen as a "solo childhood" activity, some women with partners do not feel it is appropriate for them. Some view masturbation as a form of adultery when you have a partner. Plus, if you have a partner, it is believed your sexual activities with them should fulfill all your sexual needs. While a nice ideal, in real life, their partner, no matter how good and loving they are, does not fulfill the sexual needs of many women. For women with partners, it is important for them to understand it is perfectly okay and normal to masturbate, and they should do so without feeling guilty. Their peers and partner most likely do.
Having a Partner Equals Less Masturbation
For many, if not most women, the frequency at which they masturbate should not decrease when they go from being single to having a sexual partner. While this may be the expectation, some women actually find they masturbate more when they have a partner as having a partner makes them feel more sexual and increases their desire for sexual pleasure and orgasm. Having a partner does not mean masturbation is no longer fulfilling or there are not times when you want to enjoy some solitary pleasure. When you have a partner, they do not need to be the sole means of having an orgasm and they do not need to be present during all your orgasms, nor is it necessarily beneficial if they are. You are not denying your partner anything by having orgasms alone.
Masturbation is not a sexual activity you engage in only when you are alone, it is also a means of "sharing pleasure" with your partner. Many enjoy watching their partner give himself or herself pleasure, and get intense pleasure from sharing this activity with them. As a result of watching your partner masturbate you develop a better understanding of what forms and techniques of stimulation they find most enjoyable. Knowing your partner can experience orgasm without your involvement helps to reduce some of pressure you may feel and allows sex to be more enjoyable for both partners. Couples, especially those in their teens, who do not wish to risk pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases, will find masturbation allows them to experience and share sexual pleasure without those risks. During pregnancy both partners can masturbate together when vaginal intercourse is no longer possible or desired. Masturbation should always be considered a normal part of partner sex.
Knowing how to masturbate to orgasm is important to women because it is often necessary for them to stimulate their clitoris during intercourse if they desire to have an orgasm. Many sexual positions do not provide a woman's partner with easy or comfortable access to her vulva. A woman's partner may be facing in the wrong direction or their arms cannot reach her vulva. It is simply easier for the woman to provide the stimulation. It is also
easier for a woman to stimulate her clitoris because there is no need for verbal communication with her partner and she provides herself with the ideal stimulation she requires each and every time. A woman stimulating her clitoris should not be taken as indication that her partner is not a good and caring person, or has poor sexual skills. If it means anything, it is that a woman has taken responsibility for her own sexual pleasure.
From the book "Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving" by Betty Dodson. Copyright 1987, 1983, 1974 By Betty Dodson.
A Perfect Partner Equals Perfect Sex There are times in all relationships when your partner is not available for sex when you desire it, even when they sleep beside you. Couples frequently have different levels of sex drive and expectations regarding physical intimacy. This is why women frequently masturbate secretively in the shower, or masturbate silently in the early morning hours while their sleeping partner lies beside them. Masturbating when you have a partner is normal and
a woman should not feel ashamed for doing so, most women have probably done it at some point in their relationship. It is often a necessity. Forgoing masturbation and sexual pleasure because you have a partner does harm to you and your relationship because you will slowly begin to blame your partner for your sexual frustration. As your sexual frustration grows, so does your frustration with the relationship. An affair or divorce may soon follow.
Women are Less Sexual than Men While it is extremely untrue, the majority of people believe women are less sexual than men. We are led to believe women think about sex and desire sex much less often than men. Society frequently creates outcasts of women who are openly sexual. This results in women believing they should not have strong sexual feelings and desires. Unfortunately, many women are ashamed to admit they have a strong sex drive, they become "horny." This results in women introverting and denying their own sexual feelings and desires. While a woman's desire for sex may change with time as the result of hormonal influences, they are just as sexual as men. If a woman accepts that she is as equally sexual as a man, she is more likely to feel comfortable with her desire to masturbate and the frequency at which she does.
Low or Absent Sex Drive Even though women are very sexual beings, sexual desire should not be the primary motivation for them to masturbate. The main reason a woman masturbates should be because it simply feels good. Women with strong sex drives may masturbate frequently, but they do so because it feels good, not because they are driven
to. If it did not feel good, it is not likely that they would. A woman should not forgo masturbating just because she does not have a strong sex drive. Even if you have no desire for partner sex, you should still enjoy giving yourself pleasure. The fact that preadolescent girls masturbate proves that a hormonally induced sex drive is not the only reason to masturbate. Young girls do it for no other reason than it feels good and helps them relax. Since it does feel good, there is no reason to expect adult women not to. There is nothing wrong with a woman giving herself pleasure on a daily bases, or less often if she so desires. For masturbation to be pleasurable, it does not have to end in orgasm. Masturbation may involve no more than placing your hands against your vulva when you go to sleep at night because it feels good. Note: A low or absent sex drive and/or lack of genital sensitivity can be an indication of low testosterone levels or sensitivity.
The Growing Acceptance of Female Masturbation I do not want readers to get the impression based on the above statements that all women have negative views of masturbation or that all women need to masturbate more often. Women are increasingly developing very positive attitudes towards masturbation. Eighty to ninety percent of young women do it at least occasionally. If given the opportunity, women will often discuss their masturbation habits with pride, without the least amount of guilt. It appears that more young girls are being permitted to masturbate by their parents. This results in increasing numbers of adult women who find masturbation as normal as breathing. In addition, I see accounts of mothers who cannot contain their pride at seeing their daughter learning to masturbate at a young age. This positive attitude is transferred to their daughters. These statements are intended only to help women feel better about masturbation, not to make them feel that they have to masturbate to be happy, or that they need to masturbate daily to
benefit from it. I just want women to see masturbation as normal, regardless of whether they masturbate, because their peers, siblings, and daughters most likely do.
Children and Privacy I believe every article or book I have read that endorses childhood masturbation recommends parents tell their children it is a normal activity one engages in when alone, it is an activity one does in "private." I can understand why they recommend this but they overlook one major point, young children have no privacy. If you bathe, dress, wipe their nose and bottom, and walk into their bedroom unannounced, how much privacy do children have? Is it then reasonable to expect them to understand the concept of privacy or private? As a result, we send mixed signals to our children. Young children will likely believe their parents really do not want them to masturbate. If it is normal, why hide it? Why do their parents not want to see them masturbating if it normal and everyone does it? If it really is normal, parents need to treat it as such.
Children may consider what they do at home and with their parents and siblings as private as well, as they are not in public. They may masturbate in the living room when no one is around but when someone walks in they may be accused of not doing it private. One young girl started to masturbate in front of her older sister. When her sister told her she should not do so, her reply was that since they were both girls, it was okay. If you sleep, bathe, dress, and use the bathroom together, why hide masturbation? Children often have a different and more honest view of sex and masturbation than do adults.
It is perhaps best to recommend children masturbate in their bedroom or when they bathe versus telling them to do it in private. Set appropriate times and places. If they do it at other times or places, do not scold them, distract them with something else. If you have nothing better for them to do, then it is perhaps best to leave them alone.
Parents should be as supportive of their child's sexual activities as their individual circumstances permit. Having witnessed several children explore their genitals and masturbate in public with no harm being done to them or those around them, parents may not need to be as concerned about the possibility of this occurring as they may believe. If anyone does act inappropriately in these situations, it is the adults, not the child.
Fetal Sexuality: Who Could Have Imagined? The following quote was printed in the book The Clitoral Truth by Rebecca Chalker; it originally appeared in a letter in the American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology 175, Sept 1996 page 753. "We recently observed a female fetus at 32 weeks' gestation touching the vulva with fingers of [her] right hand. The caressing movement was centered primarily on the region of the clitoris. Movements stopped after 30 to 40 seconds, and started again after a few moments. Further, these light touches were repeated and were associated with short, rigid movements of the pelvis and legs. After another break, in addition to this behavior, the fetus contracted the muscles of the trunk and limbs, and the climax, clonicotonic movements [rapid muscle contractions] of the body, followed. Finally she relaxed and rested. We [several doctors and the mother] observed this behavior for about 20 minutes."
This raises the possibility that infant girls, as well as boys, may have some sexual awareness at birth. They may already know what sexual pleasure is and how to obtain it. Is it possible that fetal thumb sucking and masturbation are equally necessary and beneficial to the developing fetus? When an infant girl touches her vulva, is she just then becoming aware of it, or is she demonstrating what she learned or knew prior to birth? What are the psychological consequences of pushing her hand away? Would we do the same if she were sucking on her thumb? This one obscure record of fetal sexuality challenges our perceptions of human sexuality, if it does not in fact destroy them.
Methods of Masturbation
Illustration by Mia Jennings E-mail
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The following are methods of masturbation women reported using in the book, The Hite Report by Shere Hite. The data was collected between 1972 and 1976. While the methods of masturbation probably haven't changed, the number of women who utilize a particular technique may have, since women's attitudes towards themselves and their bodies have changed with time. Plus, women have much easier access to sexual aides like vibrators and dildos than they did twenty years ago. The methods described may help guide women in the process of learning to masturbate, and those women seeking to explore new ways of reaching orgasm during solo sex. It may also help women who feel they are the only one who masturbates in a particularly unusual, at least less talked about, way to feel "normal". If nothing else, we see the extreme diversity in techniques.
Type 1A, Indirect Clitoral Stimulation: "To masturbate, fantasizing, or getting into an aroused state mentally is important. Also, for me, being alone is important. I use the tips of my fingers for actual stimulation, but it's better to start with patting motions or light rubbing motions over the general area. As excitement increases I began stroking above the clitoris and finally reached a climax with a rapid, jerky circular motion over the clitoral hood. Usually my legs are apart, and occasionally I also stimulate my nipples with the other hand." "If I'm in a hurry (pressed for time), I use the vibrator on the base of the clitoris, with my legs open. But usually I use my fingers rubbing around the base of my clitoris, and when I'm near orgasm, I move my fingers to a circular motion on top of my clitoris. My legs are always apart, and I alternate hands because one gets tired. My other hand will caress my breasts or just rest. And I move my body a lot when I have the orgasm." "Wow! What a question! Usually I lie on my back, my legs apart. I almost always have my panties on, as rubbing the clitoris itself directly is just annoying. I use one hand, two fingers together, rubbing up and down in short strokes right over my clitoris. As I get closer to climax, my legs tend to spread apart and my pelvis
tilts up more. I don't move around too much, but sometimes during climax I roll from side to side." "I use my hands and my imagination, and have probably tried every imaginable position and motion - the basic simulation remains the same. I use my finger to stimulate the clitoris, sometimes inserting another finger into my vagina at the same time. I touch only my genital area when I masturbate, because I am not stimulated by touching my body in general, as I am if my partner touches me all over." "I stimulate the clitoris on either side with my legs apart, and do not move any other part of my body. It is as though I allow myself very efficient masturbation without guilt because anything else (touching myself all over, etc.) would be sick." "When I masturbate I simply think locally stimulating thoughts, then a brief touch of fingers and it's over. Ha! Sneaky, isn't it!" "I use a simple battery-operated vibrator. I usually apply it to the right side of my clitoris, using a slight circular motion. I start with my legs apart, but they usually come together involuntarily. I really think what goes on in my mind (just who I am fantasizing I am with) is more important than the mechanical aspects."
Type 1A, Direct Clitoral Stimulation: "I use my third finger, moistened, to stroke and rub on and around my clitoris. My other hand pulls back the lips, keeping a gentle tension on the clitoral area. I alternate the rapid clitoral rubbing with a slower rub of the vaginal entrance. (Actually, 'rub' is hardly the right word, since it is a very light touch until just before orgasm, by which time I am very wet.) My legs are wide apart, my knees up-not much torso motion until orgasm, when there are strong spasms in my torso and pelvis" "I masturbate with one hand only - mostly around the head of my clitoris, then gradually switching onto the head - always with a rubbing, back and forth motion. My other hand helps to hold the
skin so firm contact can be gained. I alternately have my legs together and apart." "I lie on my back with my legs together tightly. I use my left hand to pull the top of my genitals tight and apart so I can use my right hand to stroke my clitoris. I use a circular motion starting slow with a light pressure, and then increase the pressure until I start to come. The I slow down according to the sensation I wish until the orgasm is completed. If I want to come again I start over." "I masturbate with an electric toothbrush. I put a dampened washcloth over the toothbrush and lubricate my clitoris with lotion. I lie on my back with my legs spread. With my left hand, I spread the labia to expose the clitoris, and I hold the vibrator with my right hand and gently press it on my clitoris. Sometimes I move it up and down, sometimes I leave it in one spot, depending on what feels good. But I never really get excited until I start fantasizing. I do not move my hips. The action is all with the hand/vibrator and my clitoris." "I use my fingers only. My left hand holds the outer lips of my vagina open, and my right forefinger and second finger rubs the right side of my clitoris. Sometimes I rub up and down, but usually I rub in slow circular motions. My legs are closed, strained and straight out. Sometimes I will do this lying on my stomach, but not usually. It's a lot harder - I usually do that after I've masturbated a few times and I'm still frustrated. I don't move very much, in contrast with having orgasm with a partner, and I also make much less noise."
Type 1A1, Clitoral Stimulation and Occasional Vaginal Penetration: "I usually masturbate by gentle stroking of the clitoral region, not the clitoris directly, but on the skin above and around it; then I place the fingers around the clitoris and move them back and forth rhythmically and with a bit of pressure. Thus, to achieve orgasm, pressure is one factor, rhythmic movement another, and protection of the clitoris from direct stimulation is another. This last one is achieved by using the surrounding skin to stimulate the clitoris. Finally, tightening my asshole and concentrating on having an
orgasm helps bring it on. Sometimes I stick my finger in my vagina as this seems to stabilize the clitoris and is a bit exciting. My legs are apart. I don't move very much." "I usually start out rubbing my clitoris on the side of it, with my finger. Sometimes I use a mirror and watch - I used to stand up in front of a large mirror. Then, usually because my finger doesn't really turn me on much, I get out the vibrator. Sometimes I read pornography, sometimes I fantasize. Sometimes I get out the baby oil and rub my breasts and stomach. I move the vibrator up and down along the slit between my legs. One leg is usually with the knee in the air, the other, opened, on the bed. I move my lower body up to meet the downward motion of the vibrator. Sometimes I lick my fingers and wet my tit, and just manipulate it, shake it around. Sometimes is tick the vibrator in and out of my vagina, like screwing" "My earliest masturbation was with tub water, and later with my hand, which is what I still do. I use the middle finger of my right hand in vigorous up and down motions which speed me up even more toward climax. Sometimes I put a finger deep inside my vagina with my thumb maintaining clitoral contact. Recently, since reading the literature, I have tried contracting my vaginal muscles, which does seem to enhance the act. Sometimes I will thrust my whole body up, moving with my feet under my behind, ending up with my chest and torso and sexual area pushing up and facing the sky. My greatest release is with my legs pushed way apart to give the sensation of the greatest opening. I once tried a cucumber, and also a vibrator, but that gave me the feeling I was out of myself a little - not just me, that is."
Type 1A2, Clitoral Stimulation and Vaginal Penetration Always: "I put one finger on my clitoris and with the other I move a bottle in and out of my vagina (a plastic bottle). I have my legs apart at first until I orgasm, and then I put them together. First I rub my clitoris and then insert the bottle. When I come I close my legs with the bottle in me as far as it will go."
"I use my fingers first to penetrate my vagina, for purposes of enlarging the sensation in the general area, but then for orgasm I lightly and then more firmly rub my clitoris in a circular or up and down motions. With my other hand (left hand0, I'm generally turning the pages of the pornography book I'm reading. Yes, it's awkward. Legs apart." "I fantasize first until I am lubricated. Often I tease myself and hold off touching until I am quite aroused. Sometimes I rub my whole body on the bed, lying on my stomach, and occasionally come that way, but usually I am on my back. First I caress the outer labia, then around the clitoris, using a circular motion, then I insert a finger in my vagina, while laying on my back or side, and move with it. I can come very quickly if my legs are together, but there is a better orgasm when my legs are apart and I work harder for it" "I begin with manual stimulation of my clitoris. Then simultaneous stimulation of both clitoris and vagina,. Sometimes I use the finger/fingers (first and second or just second) of the other hand for vaginal stimulation. Sometimes I use an object - usually the nicely rounded, smooth handle of my hairbrush (no spiked dildoes for this me, thank you) for vaginal stimulation. I am defensive about mentioning that I use something other than my hand. Among all my associates there seems to be an unspoken taboo against all such 'unnatural' things. I have no object fetishes. I am not into hurting myself. It's just easier - it's hard to reach inside one's own vagina. My wrist gets tired, especially if I'm slow in coming. Also I guess I find needing vaginal stimulation is also unfashionable and I'm somewhat sensitive about that too."
Type 1A3, Clitoral Stimulation with Vaginal Penetration at Orgasm: "When I was a child, I would masturbate by holding both hands between my legs very tightly and gently bouncing my whole body. Now I usually use my fingers to rub the whole genital area in a circular movement. The I usually put one or two fingers inside my vagina before orgasm to feel the contractions."
"Just after I climax I often put a few fingers just inside the mouth of my vagina to feel the contractions - not just to see if they happen; it is very satisfying sexually."
Type 1A4, Palm Over Clitoris, Fingers Inside Vagina: "I hold my hand palm flat on the clitoral area, and fingers inserted in my vagina about one inch or so, and just massage gently." "I begin stroking the vaginal opening, then insert two fingers in my vagina and stimulate my clitoris with the palm of my hand with very rapid patting motions. My legs are together." "I use one hand and clutch the mons, vibrate my hand over it until I get a warm feeling, then open my labia with a finger, and make it wet up and down, then insert a finger into my vagina and move it up and down very fast while the palm vibrates the mons. My legs are wide apart." "I caress my nipples to get started, and look at pornography. Then I gently massage my mound until I am generally aroused, then insert my fingers into the vagina and at the same time rub my clitoris with my palm. Sometimes I suck on a rubber penis."
Type 1A, Clitoral Stimulation and Anal Penetration: "Upon thinking certain sexy thoughts my blood pressure feels like it's increasing, my heartbeat instantly becomes quick and hard. My clitoris tickles and within a few seconds my vagina gets slippery. I rub my clitoris with my left index finger. I penetrate my vagina and/or rectum with the index and/or middle finger of my right hand and move them in and out at whatever speed I wish. My genitals reach two or three stages of tickling intensity - each tickling more than the one before. I rub my clitoris in a back and forth motion. Sometimes I use household items which have the shape of a penis, for penetration." "I masturbate in a darkened room. I sometimes read erotic literature, especially anal-oriented. I stimulate myself with
lubricated fingers or a vaginal foam applicator or a douche or enema tip. I usually make circular motions on my pubic area with one hand and touch my anus with the other hand, sometimes inserting my finger or an object into my rectum. It does not matter if my legs are together or apart. I move very little." "Sometimes I use my fingers on my clitoris with one inside my vagina, one on the anal area, or just on the clitoris. Usually I use one of two sizes of vibrators - a small one for my anus and a large for my vagina. One hand is used for the clitoris, the other holds the two vibrators in place. Legs are usually apart. Circular motions."
Type 1B, Clitoral and Vulvar Stimulation: "Dig this. I use the side of my electric woman's razor to masturbate. I rub up and down and sideways and usually use the other hand to stimulate the rim of my vagina meanwhile." "I use my fingers primarily. I begin by softly caressing my body and breasts, and genital organs. Sometimes I use two hands on my genitals, but not always. I try to wait until I feel moist before touching myself, because if I am not moist I usually have difficulty in achieving orgasm. So I rub and stroke my external organs, gently, and raise my legs into the air (wide apart) and then rub a little more vigorously - which leads to orgasm or orgasms. It seems necessary to raise my legs or I don't come. I often wonder if other women are the same."
Type 2A, Clitoral Stimulation while Laying on Stomach: "I use my forefinger. I lie on my stomach and hug a pillow with my other hand. I use a circular and up-and-down motion on my clitoris and usually keep my legs a little apart, but as I get closer to orgasm, I bring them tight together. Sometimes I move a lot and other times just a little." "I masturbate mainly on my stomach and use my right hand to stimulate my clitoris in a hard up-and-down movement, using my
middle finger, index, and ring fingers. My left hand fondles my breasts. I move a lot in a rotating motion and up and down. I mmmmm a lot and say 'fuck'. I keep my legs open in the beginning and as I feel myself coming to an orgasm I close my legs and pull my body up off the floor, bed, whatever. Sometimes I masturbate standing up and use the same motion and move quite a bit. Occasionally I masturbate on my back and find it hard to reach orgasm that way." "When masturbating, I lie on my stomach with my legs slightly apart, using both hands, the knuckles of the right hand providing direct pressure to the mons, with the left hand adding more pressure to the right hand. The motion of a moderately rapid frontto-back movement provides the clitoral friction I need." "Sequence: I put a towel on the bed, put the vibrator on the towel with the pulsator pointed up (the pulsator has a rubber cup of about 1 inch in diameter). I usually wet the pulsator before starting. Then I lie completely quiet on my stomach with my arms and legs making a wide V, with the pulsator working the mons area. I don't use my hands until orgasm approaches, when I move the vibrator slightly with the left hand so that it is at exactly the right place. Just before orgasm, my hands and neck become rigid and my hands wise into the air a bit just before I move my left one to manipulate the vibrator at the critical time." "I masturbate on my stomach with my right hand between my legs and gently and circularly massage my clitoris. I rarely touch my breasts or the rest of my body because I've found that physically that does little for me."
Type 2A1, Laying on Stomach with Occasional Vaginal Penetration: "I masturbate on my stomach with my legs together, pressing on my clitoris with the fingers of both hands (index and middle fingers), one on top of the other. Sometimes I fondle my breasts or buttocks with one hand, or insert my fingers into my vagina, but not usually. I move much less than in intercourse."
"I am on my stomach lying with a pillow between my legs, either rubbing against the pillow or also using my fingers. My body is rigid and stiff as I rub my clitoris in a circular motion. My other hand is on my nipple, squeezing it, and sometimes I have a vibrator in either my vagina or ass. Legs vary."
Type 2A2, Laying on Stomach with Vaginal Penetration: "I lie on my stomach with my legs as far apart as possible and put about three pillows under me to further arch my back. I massage my body at the genital region and insert the middle finger of one hand up my vagina and press my other hand hard against it , at the region of my clitoris. This way I can strongly stimulate both my clitoris and cervix (which is often sensitive but not as much as the clitoris). My breath becomes short and gasping and my body starts pulsating and contracting violently, as my body comes down on the finger and the hand behind it. I have tried using two or three fingers, but this had the disadvantages that then it doesn't extend up as far as one finger." "I use my hands beginning with a general overall rubbing of myself to warm my hands and my body. Then I move to my crotch and slowly apply pressure with the tips of all four fingers, Then I turn onto my stomach. I begin to use a circular motion with two fingers on my clitoris and occasionally an up and down motion with my clitoris between my fingers. With my right hand I check to see if my vagina is wet, and fantasize. I continue to stimulate my clitoris with my left hand and then insert two fingers into my vagina. I love the folds and crevasses. It is amazing to feel the inside of oneself. I also sometimes stimulate the opening of the urethra, but that can be painful. My legs are usually closed, but sometimes open. If I haven't orgasmed by then, then I flex all my muscles in my legs and ass, and sometimes begin to move my whole body up and down, or maybe just move my hands. I often enjoy having my ass out from under the covers - cool air stimulates it or perhaps it's a desire to be exposed, I really can't say. Anyhow, turning on my stomach really improves my ability to reach my fingers deep into my vagina."
Type 2B, Clitoral/Vulvar Stimulation while Laying on Stomach: "On my stomach with both hands (one over the other) cupping my outer genital area, lips remaining closed. I gently squeeze the area with a finger pushing against the back curve of the lips and the palm of my hand pushing pressure on the front and the pubic bone. Legs together. I have been doing this every day since I was for or five. When my partner joins me he simply lies on my back and helps me squeeze." "I use the curved plastic back, not the pad, of a small vibrator. I prefer this because I very seldom have long periods of time alone to use the manual methods, which I find to slow and not as interesting and more fatiguing. I kind of hold the vibrator more or less steady under me as I lie face down, and move my body on and around it. I use it pretty exclusively against my clitoris and vaginal lips. I like my legs together. That way, with my ankles crossed, I can use my legs to control the amount of contact with the vibrator. Sometimes I move a great deal, sometimes very little. The more aroused, the more movement." "I lie on my stomach with a pillow between my legs starting at my waist and kinda bunched up in the middle. My hands are under the pillow just under the clitoral region, and I hump the pillow rhythmically. Then I put my vibrator just above my clitoris, and while it remains stationary, I rub against it for a few moments, until I am so gluttonous I have to turn it on, at which time my left hand steadies it or plays with my clitoris or my vaginal area. Anyway its mere presence is erotic. It is important that my right hand keep it from vibrating too much (the reason for the pillow). Sometimes the vibrator points toward the left, sometimes toward the anus. My legs are tight together, and I fantasize. Sometimes I tap the muffled vibrator in a special way."
Type 2B1, Clitoral/Vulvar Stimulation while Laying on Stomach with Penetration: "I place my vibrator on my clitoris and labia minora and vaginal entrance, plus sometimes a candle in my vagina. Legs together is easier, especially with ankles crossed (it makes muscular tension
greater and satisfies a reflex desire to press my knees together). I used to touch my breasts and stomach, but it seemed redundant. And I used to move my hands more than me, now I move me more."
Type 3, Thrusting into a Pillow or other Soft Object: "When I masturbate, I usually lie face down on the bed with some cloth, like a blanket or spread, pulled together so there is a mound I rub back and forth on." "I lie on my stomach with some material pulled firmly between my thighs and pressing against my entire mons area, then bounce gently until orgasm. "Yes I enjoy masturbation. I have masturbated since babyhood and don't see any reason to stop ever. However, I prefer sex with a partner because I like company. I always have an orgasm and usually several of them, depending on the mood I'm in. I don't masturbate like anybody else I ever heard of. I make a clump in the bedding about the size of a fist (I used to use the head of my poor teddy bear, but since I became to old to sleep with a teddy bear, a wad of the sheets has to suffice) and then lie on my stomach on top of it so that it exerts pressure on my clitoris. I then move my hips in a circular motion until I climax - very simple. it works with legs apart or together - either one, although when I am in a particularly frenzied state, together sometimes feels better. I usually end up sort of with my weight on my knees and elbows, so I can't do to much with my hands." "I cross my legs, thrust my pelvis against a soft object (a pillow is best) and fantasize. This is the tried and true way. I do enjoy touching myself, but it's just not as good as this. I really move very little; only when ready for orgasm do I get into any real action." "Masturbation: I usually 'hump' a pillow or a rolled-up robe or even a laundry bag - I ride it like a horse, pressing down and easing up repeatedly - pressing harder and harder. With or without cloths on."
Type 3, Thrusting into a Pillow or other Soft Object with Vaginal Penetration: "Lying on my stomach with something small (like a Tampax) in my vagina and a pillow clamped between my legs, I move up and down slowly, then faster and harder. The sequence is like this - I insert the object, roll over on the pillow, then move rhythmically to orgasm."
Type 3, Thrusting Against an Object while Suspended: "I stand on a chair with a protruding but low wing back and rub first against it, then raise myself so I am above it, and stroke downward. This method allows much freedom of movement for my body, which I like. I first learned it as a child while playing on a chair my mother had." "I draw myself up slowly against a bathroom sink, and press my mons against it very hard. The sink is stimulating because it is cold. Sometimes I revolve my legs to press harder, and sometimes 'flap' them to vibrate the vulva." "I usually suspend myself against a piece of furniture and rub myself against it in an up and down, slow, circular motion. I never heard of it being done like this before and I don't know where I picked it up, but at an early age it gave me a quick orgasm, or several. it's a good way, only it gives you calluses on the palms of your hands."
Type 4, Crossing Legs and Tightening Thigh and Pelvic Muscles: "I lie on my back, with my legs together, and move quite a bit until right before I come; then I am pretty rigid, squeezing my vagina on the inside, moving slowly. But it's the clitoral stimulation and squeezing inside that makes me come. I squeeze the whole pelvic area that way and the cheeks of my ass are very tight."
"I masturbate by rubbing my thighs together, usually lying down, but it can be done sitting up ( in an office, on a bus, etc. ). I rub them rhythmically, putting subtle pressure on the clitoris. The tension gradually builds to an orgasm." "I lie flat on the bed, lock my ankles together, rhythmically squeezing my thighs together, fantasize and occasionally touch my nipples if I have difficulty reaching orgasm by thigh-squeezing alone." "I cross my legs twice - that is, cross them and tuck an ankle around the other leg, which creates a pressure on the clitoral area. I never use my hands or touch myself - don't have to. I squeeze my legs until I achieve orgasm, moving only slightly. I have very easy orgasms." "I lie down ( mostly when I bathe ) and cross my legs; I caress my breasts and lightly bounce up and down as the stimulation builds. I keep squeezing my breasts and then I have an orgasm."
Type 4, with pillow, towel, or other object held between their legs: "Initially, I get stimulated either from the outside, or tell myself stories or I fantasize, then I lie down and put my right arm through my crotch with my wrist or lower arm on my labia and clitoris ( I can be either clothed or naked ) and my hand or my ankle or calf, and cloths my thighs on my arm. My left hand may support me ( if I lie on my side ), or else play with my nipples. I rock my hips or pelvis for friction. Occasionally I use my fingers or hand for my labia, on my clitoris, or up my vagina." "I bunch up a blanket or sheet, place part of it between my legs, which are tightly pressed together, and then I rub the sheet into and on my cunt, especially my clitoris, using no hands, just hip and leg movements. I begin to fantasize a situation and come in minutes." "My legs are crossed as I tightly squeeze some object which touches my clitoris and the entrance to my vagina - like any slightly elongated object. Usually I keep it on the outside of my
underwear. I rarely use my hands, I just press my uppermost thighs together against the labia. My masturbation is just basically the placing of objects and rocking of my pelvic region, with pressure on my uppermost thighs against the labia." "When I masturbate, I usually press my legs hard together ( or wind them around each other ) and use a towel, pulling it against my clitoris rhythmically until I come." "I use a pillow or some other object that is firm but soft. I hold it between my legs and rub it up and down or squeeze it with my thighs. I can get stimulated somewhat by rubbing my fingers directly on my genitals, but can't touch my clitoris, as it is too sensitive. In fact, I'm better off wearing pants so I don't become too directly stimulated. My legs have to be clasped on the pillow, they can't be apart. I move quite a lot but don't need to therefore I prefer it out of the covers, with my ass and feet, especially, exposed."
Type 5, Water Massage: "I masturbate with shower water only. I aim it at my clitoris, legs spread apart. Sometimes I hook up a hose and sit on the side of the tub, and use a nice steady stream of water. Or I lie down on the tub, and let the shower water strike my clitoris if it is hard enough." "I lie in the tub on my back with a stream of very water on my vagina, mons, and clitoris. The harder the pressure and hotter the water, the quicker the orgasm." "I remove the head from my shower to allow a steady stream of water to come out. I open the vaginal lips exposing my clitoris. The water can be slightly hot for more stimulation, and hips can be moved slightly to tantalize and prolong the enjoyment. I usually do it standing up. Lying down is more beautiful, but you get your hair and face wet. This orgasm tops them all for me, and can be multiple."
"I masturbate with water, preferably a half-inch stream that is arched so my butt does not stop the drain. My feet are braced on the wall about two feet apart, and I am lying on my back." "Occasionally I bring myself to orgasm in the bathtub. First I excite myself with fingers, then I let the water on and get into an acrobatic position so my vagina is directly under the faucet. I start with the water warm or cool and at a low pressure on my clitoris. When I have gotten excited I run the water harder and lift myself closer to the water and let it pound into my vagina and then I come and it's the most fantastic feeling."
Type 6, Vaginal Insertion Alone: "I usually masturbate with my finger and touch my breasts with my other hand, but not always. Sometimes when I'm lying in the sun in my swimming suit and I'll start to feel sexy, I end up going inside to masturbate ( when I'm alone in the house ). I usually use a back and forth movement in my vagina, or just hold my fingers there a while. My legs are quite wide apart with my knees up near me. Sometimes I move a lot, depending on the intensity of my feelings at the time."
Mutual Masturbation Techniques & Experiences
Courtesy of Yoni-Massage.de
This page has been created to allow couples, heterosexual and lesbian, to share their mutual masturbation techniques and experiences. If you would like to share how you and your partner masturbate together please e-mail them to
[email protected]. You can include activities you do while together and during phone sex. Please limit your information to mutual masturbation.
Russ and Judy My wife and I are into masturbating together. We enjoy watching each other hit the orgasms at the same time. Both of us have TEN's units and various instruments for masturbation from special vaginal and anal inserts to clitoral and penile stimulators, but the most exciting and intense orgasms we achieve together are from urethral inserts. Hers is 3 inches long and 1/4 inch in diameter, mine is 10 inches long and 3/8 inches diameter, it reaches my prostrate. We sit facing each other and she inserts mine into me
and I insert hers into her, lubrication is KY-liquid, and at the same time we insert an anal probe into each other. This is so that the electrical contact is made between the anus and the urethral probes and the vibrational sensations are working on her anus, Gspot and clitoris and my anus, prostate and penis. She controls my TEN's unit and I control hers. We both start out at a very low frequency and then continue to build it higher as the orgasms get closer, then when the orgasms start coming we hold the units at that frequency. I have had some multiple orgasms about one to two minutes apart and maybe three to four at the most, but my wife hits orgasm after orgasm until she has hit ten to fifteen and then she is just spent and we have to stop for a while. We do this a couple of time over about an hour, and then we have our sex together, again hitting an intense orgasm. The next thing we are going to try is getting two Sybian Sex Machines, one for her and one for me. Thanks for letting us write our experiences to you and the readers.
Anonymous I'm a 21 yr old guy and I met my girlfriend a few weeks ago and since we ARE so far apart I've decided to start having phone sex with her. She loves it VERY much and we do it AS much as we can. At least 5 or 6 times a week. This site has actually helped me to understand that what we're doing isn't necessarily a bad thing and that when the time DOES come for us to actually HAVE intercourse that I will now know what to do with her and what turns her on. She has been using a vibrator recently and I LOVE to hear when she cums. Its SUCH a turn on. She imagines my penis in her vagina and I imagine myself inside her when I masturbate. It tends to be QUITE the orgasmic time for the both of us. I've cum MANY times over and I've actually gotten her to cum many times as well. For those who say that phone sex can't help a relationship.. They're WRONG. If you get the chance and your away from your bf/gf. Take the chance and call them up. See what they say about that type of sexual relationship. I'm sure you will be pleasantly surprised.
Anonymous Mutual masturbation has given us the most incredible orgasms we have ever experienced. A video always seems to get us in the mood quickly. We lie next to each other, and once aroused by the video, began to slowly touch each other. Her left hand stroking me while my right hand, middle finger, caresses her clit. She is normally already wet from watching. I'm hard just anticipating about our mutual masturbation session. Our breathing gets harder, she begins moving her hips up to meet my caress, I'm throbbing in her hand. Soon she slides her hand down between her legs, spreading her lips, touching her clit. She moves my hand to her breast, her nipple. I pinch it gently feeling it grow and harden under my touch. Her fingers circle her clit, rubbing harder. She slips a finger between her lips, pushing it inside. Then back to her clit, caressing the right side, her sensitive side. Her left hand continues to stroke me; I'm beyond excitement knowing she is touching herself. I put my right arm underneath her and reach around so I can pinch her right nipple, still continuing to pinch her left with my other hand and fingers. Her nipples are large and long and very hard from my pinching. I have to be careful, stopping from time to time, for she will climax just from nipple stimulation. Her hips began pushing her pussy upward straining to meet her fingers. She's moaning loudly, uncontrollably now. I am close to a climax myself. Her stroking has increased, her fingers squeezing me hard. She's telling me how wet her pussy is, how hot she is, how good her fingers feel caressing her clit. She tells me how good my cock feels in her hand, how hard, how big. I can barely keep myself from orgasm. Her legs are spread wide, she pushes two fingers deep between her lips, reaching for her g-spot. She uses her thumb to rub her clit while her fingers are moving in and out of her pussy. She's moaning loudly now, screaming how hot she is, that she is going to "cum" soon. She starts to climax. Knowing she is bringing herself to orgasm begins mine. I can't stop it, I'm throbbing, I'm cumming. She's moving her hand up and down me so quickly now that my "cum" shoots up and all over the both of us. I can't stop cumming. It is so intense I can barely control my body, I'm jerking around the bed like I'm having a seizure. She is in full orgasm by now; screaming obscenities, moaning, her hips grinding upward trying to force her fingers deeper between her lips. Her orgasm seems to last forever. She begins to beg me to
"fuck" her, she needs to be filled with "cock", she's telling me her "pussy is aching for something hard". But this my friend is a masturbation session; I hand her a favorite, a life like 9" dong. She can barely contain herself, she grabs at it and quickly pushes it between her pussy lips. Her two hands now on the dong, she pushes it deep into her pussy. She's so wet it slides in effortlessly. She buries it, all of it, then begins moving it in and out in 4 or 5" strokes. Each stroke ending with all 9" fully inside. She quickens her strokes. Soon she's pounding this 9" wonder into her pussy; her hips bouncing off the bed, pushing upward to meet each stroke. She's screaming "fuck me, fuck me" as she starts her 2nd orgasm of the night. This one is more intense than her 1st. She's moaning and screaming, crying, tears coming from her eyes. After her last orgasmic ripple her body collapses into the bed, exhausted. Her dong filling her now soaked pussy, she slowly moves it in and out, a sensuous pleasurable finale to her climax. I reach over to caress her pussy, her legs are wet to her knees, the sheets under her are soaked. She asks me to very slowly pull that wonderful 9" dong out from her pussy. She rests her head on my shoulder, we both sleep. It was another terrific night of masturbation.
Maria Hi, first I want to say how much I like your site. My husband and I just love it, it has made me feel absolutely confident with me and my sexuality. I’m 29 years old and have been masturbating since I was 13. I have tried different techniques and there are quite a few that work very well for me but probably what I enjoy the most is mutual masturbation with my husband, we have a very open relationship so we know that we both masturbate. We started mutual masturbation since we were dating especially because we didn’t have a place where to make love so, we used to do it in the car after long beautiful kisses. He then used to start caressing my body, my shoulders, breasts and getting closing to my waist that used to make me very hot so when he finally decided to go down I was already very wet and almost begging him to touch my clit. Then I returned him the favor by masturbating him and some times with a blowjob which by the way excites me very much because I have been always very attracted to cum its texture,
smell and taste. After few times I started guiding his fingers when he was masturbating me, this opened the door for talking about our own masturbation. We have been married for more than 3 years now and we still like including mutual masturbation in our sex life. One of the most beautiful techniques we have discovered is making him finish on my pussy (I love this word) and then using his semen as lubricant to masturbate me. We usually start with oral sex but when he is getting close I let him finish on me be his self, I love seeing it while I open my lips with my fingers and then I can feel his warm semen running all around I cannot wait any more so I usually start rubbing my clitoris immediately with this beautiful warm fluid and then he puts one or two fingers inside me to reach my G spot and also plays with all this wet a little bit around my anus (love it). We love doing it very slowly but anyway it is a matter of minutes till I reach the orgasm. Some times we swap hands and he plays with my clit while I put my fingers inside, both ways are great. I also like getting my fingers wet and then suck them, love the taste. Quite often at this point he is very excited again so we make love and he can cum one more time but now inside me. Cheers Maria
Wim and Katrien Like Russ and Judy, we have as a nice married couple also in secret a mutual masturbation relationship together. We can talk with nobody about it because it is considered as a disease and perversion by most people. We consider it as an excitement to enjoy in the perverse way, and to have trained our genitals to a development state of flesh and mind kicks receiving the most intense masturbation techniques, also with toys if demanded, dilatations, very deep introductions in both bodies, electric orgasms etc...We are 38y and 56y and practice together since marriage 12 y ago, without any sexual intercourse, always perverted, nobody could believe because we are very classy and normal looking. She has a real masturbating-body look and addicted already before marriage by her earlier lover before we met. She introduced me in
this sexual discipline and makes me addicted to her in all the masturbation perversions she knew and practiced before. We can only recommend to couples who want more and more to try, there will never be adultery because of the immense variationpossibilities and because nobody else can give this joy, only the real married . Wim and Katrien
Vaginal Intercourse
Rear-entry Intercourse, "doggy style" From the book "Masters and Johnson on Sex and Human loving" Copyright 1982, 1985, 1986 By William H. Masters, M.D., Virginia E Johnson, and Robert C. Kolodny, M.D.
In Search of Nirvana
We are led to believe that if a couple engages in vaginal intercourse they will discover nirvana, the ultimate in sexual fulfillment. Intercourse is said to be the absolute best sexual experience. It is after all what defines sex. It is "sex." We expect to experience intense sexual pleasure and an emotional connection with our partner during or as a result of this activity. The physical joining of our bodies should result in the merging of our spirits. While this is certainly possible, it is just as likely to occur during other activities. The rewards vaginal intercourse has to offer are no more or less than those possible when holding hands, kissing, giving a massage, and during mutual masturbation and oral sex. The physical simply cannot guarantee the spiritual. Intercourse should never be considered the ultimate sexual experience, but rather all sexual activities should be seen as potentially equal. The reason they are "potentially" equal is one must take into consideration the uniqueness of the individuals involved.
Striving for Adulthood Young adults often feel pressured to engage in vaginal intercourse to demonstrate they have achieved adulthood. We have "sex" to prove we are men and women, that we are no longer children. We keep having sex because that is what adults do. This is what society tells and expects of us, as adults. On a personal level, we may come to realize after having intercourse for the first time that nothing has changed. We may not feel differently about our partner or ourselves. We may be left wondering what the big deal was. Participating in intercourse for the first time at the age of twenty or thirty may not cause us to feel more "adult" than if we had done so at the age of twelve. Intercourse may not fulfill our lofty expectations. Couples should not engage in intercourse for the sole reason of achieving or demonstrating adulthood, as it is unlikely to fulfill their expectations.
As many adults discover, adulthood is something we are always striving to achieve but find is always just out of reach. We may engage in sex with a partner, graduate from school, vote, serve in the military, start a career, marry, have children, and buy a home, and in the case of women, start wearing a bra and menstruating, but find these events leave us wanting more. Adulthood is achieved not so much by what we do but by how others judge us. Unfortunately in our modern society, seldom does anyone ever tell us when we have achieved adulthood. We are left forever in a state of perpetual limbo, clearly no longer a child but not quite an adult either.
Adulthood is a social status that no physical accomplishment can guarantee without social recognition of that event. Many cultures have public ceremonies to provide a clear demarcation between childhood and adulthood so a person is not left wondering when they have achieved adulthood. It should be noted that the concept of "adolescence" came into existence only recently in Western culture and leaves young people in limbo for ever increasing amounts of time. When loss of virginity was closely linked with a public marriage ceremony, it was a clear indicator of passage into adulthood, and usually took place when couples were in their early to mid teens. Since a person may have partner sex for the first time at any stage of their life, it is no longer a clear indicator of adulthood in today's society. Since we all live such varied lives, there is no common indicator of adulthood that applies to everyone.
Unrealistic Expectations Vaginal intercourse is one aspect of female sexuality that has a lot of misinformation and confusion surrounding it. There is a common expectation that women should experience orgasm without difficulty during intercourse. Many women believe that in order for them to be a good sexual partner they should. Women who do not,
often believe there is something wrong with them because everything they have been told supports this believe. The media leads us to believe a woman should be squealing with delight and multi-orgasmic the moment a penis enters her vagina. This results in women faking pleasure and orgasm so as to save face in front of their partner, to appear normal, mature, and to make their partner feel good about themselves. This takes an enormous emotional toll on women. As a result, sex becomes something many women avoid rather than looking forward to, understandably.
Freud Led Many Astray Thanks to Freud and others, many people have been led to believe "mature women" have vaginal orgasms and "immature girls" have clitoral orgasms. We are told girls may masturbate but women should desire and enjoy only vaginal intercourse. This simply is not a reasonable expectation, as the clitoris is most often a woman's primary erogenous area, as a result of having the greatest density of nerve endings. The vagina does not have this high concentration of nerve endings and is usually less sensitive to stimulation. Anatomy, not sexual maturity, dictates that the majority of women require clitoral stimulation if they are too experience orgasm. It is my understanding that prior to Freud everyone knew the clitoris was most often the center of female sexual pleasure. Freud basically made up his theories and they were never proven to be true.
Vaginal Orgasm The presence of a female prostate gland, commonly known as the G-Spot, lends support to the idea that clitoral and vaginal orgasms are uniquely different types of orgasm. Not only may the
stimulation feel different, so may the resulting orgasm. Some women experience both while others experience one but not the other. A person should not take the position that women must experience both, or one is better than the other. Women that experience both, or one or the other, are not automatically happier or more satisfied lovers. At present, I would say clitoral orgasms are the most common experience, as mentioned on the page about vaginal orgasms. Men and women are just now learning about and accepting, what some women have always known, the existence and role of the female prostate gland in female sexual pleasure. Women have traditionally prevented vaginal orgasms from occurring as there is often a sensation much like the urge to urinate just prior to orgasm, and many need to unlearn this response.
No Easy Answers Unfortunately, the truth concerning vaginal intercourse can be very confusing. There are women who are very orgasmic during vaginal intercourse and love experiencing it. Another group of women find it boring and devoid of any pleasurable sensations at all. A third and perhaps larger group of women falls in between, they enjoy vaginal intercourse to varying degrees but are unable to experience orgasm as the result of vaginal stimulation alone, or do so infrequently. Many women discover intercourse feels "nice" but not "wonderful." Regardless of how a woman experiences vaginal intercourse, she is perfectly normal, whatever that is.
Trial and Error The only way for a woman to find out how her mind and body respond to vaginal intercourse is through experimentation and
practice. There is no way to predict if a woman will be orgasmic as the result of vaginal stimulation alone, and this will likely change over time and with different partners and techniques. Factors like the shape and size of their partner's penis, the amount of vaginal lubrication, the strength of a woman’s pelvic muscles, the presence or absence of a G-Spot, and the level of emotional involvement can all influence how enjoyable intercourse is. A woman’s potential for enjoying intercourse is therefore not etched in stone. As a woman’s emotional and physical states change, so do her sexual capabilities and wishes. Couples should be open to the idea that penile-vaginal intercourse does NOT have a place in their sexual experiences together, for them intercourse is more a reproductive than sexual act. Note: Self exploration and preparing the vagina for intercourse are addressed on the pages about virginity.
Man-on-top, face-to-face intercourse position From the book "Masters and Johnson on Sex and Human loving" Copyright 1982, 1985, 1986 By William H. Masters, M.D., Virginia E Johnson, and Robert C. Kolodny, M.D.
Vaginal Sensitivity The reason why women experience vaginal intercourse differently is partly the result of varying degrees of vaginal sensitivity. The vagina's sensitivity to different types of stimulation, touch, friction, and pressure, varies from woman to woman. The sensitivity of an individual woman's vagina varies as well. The inner two-thirds of the vagina is usually less sensitive to touch and friction than the outer third, and is most often sensitive to only pressure. Sensitivity also changes over time as hormone levels change during the menstrual cycle, pregnancy, and with the use of medications, including birth control. The type of stimulation an individual woman enjoys varies as a result. She may prefer the friction of fingers caressing her vaginal walls, a deep thrusting penis, the fullness of a large dildo, or other forms of vaginal stimulation. Since a woman has no control over the sensitivity of her vagina, and the type of stimulation she is most sensitive to, she should not fault herself if her vagina is totally insensitive, or is sensitive to a form of stimulation other than penile, she is hardly alone.
Additional Anatomical Factors While many have assumed the size and placement of the clitoris and inner labia influence a woman's orgasmic potential during intercourse, no correlation between these factors has been found to exist. A woman with a very small clitoris is just as likely or unlikely to experience orgasm during intercourse, and other forms of sexual activity, as a woman with a large clitoris. The distance between the clitoris and vaginal opening also does not influence a woman's orgasmic potential, though some misguided doctors have used surgery to shorten this distance; causing disastrous results not understanding the complexity of the vulvar anatomy. Others have
assumed the clitoris should be sufficiently stimulated by the movement of the inner labia, this movement being caused by the thrusting penis. Since the size and shape of the inner labia, if a woman has inner labia, vary considerably from one woman to the next, this could not possibly be true of all women. The inner labia may not even be in contact with the penis during intercourse, as they are typically located nearer the clitoris than the vagina; keep in mind the inner labia would have formed the erectile tissue surrounding the urethra if the clitoris had developed into a penis during fetal development. When indirect forms of stimulation do occur, they are seldom in sufficient intensity or duration to result in orgasm. It is even possible that "vaginal orgasms" result from GSpot stimulation rather than clitoral stimulation, meaning the clitoris and labia do not play a part at all.
Disassociation Another factor that affects vaginal sensitivity is disassociation, the absence of a conscious connection between the vagina, or clitoris and vulva, and the brain. Social believes and expectations usually do not permit young girls and teens to explore and stimulate their vulva and vagina, and they may be reprimanded or punished when they do. Instead they are taught to ignore, deny, or otherwise be unaware of these sensations, as if they did not exist at all. Since these are "bad places" only "bad sensations" can come from them, so they do their best to block them out. As a result of not touching and stimulating these areas the brain and body do not learn how to transmit and interpret nerve impulses from them. This greatly impairs a woman's ability to experience sexual pleasure.
A woman or her partner may touch and stimulate these areas yet she feels nothing even though nerve impulses are getting to the brain, because her brain does not know how to process this form of stimulation. If the nerve impulses are weak, because the nerve pathways are undeveloped from lack of use, they may feel little or
nothing. If the impulses are strong they may feel pain because the sensations are beyond the limits of what the brain expects and can handle, as the line between pain and pleasure is very thin. The sensations they experience will not be pleasurable or erotic. They in turn learn to avoid partner sex or do so simply because they are expected to.
Interfering with or preventing sexual development can have major repercussions on a woman’s sexual pleasure. The way to overcome this is through exploration and stimulation. By stimulating these areas while looking at them in a mirror and concentrating on the point being touched, a woman can learn to connect with and be more aware of, and sensitive to, vulvar and vaginal stimulation. This is best done when alone in a quiet room with no distractions. The use of a dildo may be appropriate for vaginal stimulation though the feedback provided by the fingers would be beneficial. The formation of this connection is unlikely to occur during a single fifteen-minute session. The key is frequent stimulation, five to fifteen minutes each day, and perseverance. Something to keep in mind is, as a five-year-old there would be no time limits or expectations placed on these exploration sessions. Any discoveries would be a total surprise. This means a woman should set no limits or expectations and simply be open to whatever does occur.
The Role of Emotions Our emotional state can significantly affect our physical pleasure. Our brain can cause a state of intense physical arousal. This is particularly true when there is considerable emotional evolvement, as when having sex with a new partner, a person we love deeply, or a person we find extremely attractive. This also occurs during puberty when hormone levels are high and on a hair trigger. Chemicals released by the body when we are very excited in turn stimulate the brain causing a state of euphoria. We experience a "natural high." Not only do we feel wonderful as a result, we are
also capable of experiencing increased levels of pleasure. The physical and emotional pleasure we experience can continue to intensify the longer we have sex, ending only when we must stop because of physical exhaustion.
There are women who experience orgasm during vaginal intercourse because their brain finds the activity extremely stimulating. Their thoughts are more the cause of orgasm than the physical stimulation. The idea of what they are doing or whom they are doing it with, more than the physical act, triggers orgasm. This is not meant to suggest or imply the pleasure many women experience during vaginal intercourse is all in their head, it's not. It simply means the brain can have a significant influence over whether a woman experiences pleasure and orgasm during vaginal intercourse, and sex in general.
Arousal and orgasm does occur in the absence of physical stimulation. Many if not most women experience sexual arousal and orgasm while dreaming about sex at night, a wet dream, and during their daily activities. During wet dreams sexual arousal is a common occurrence, but I do not believe this is the case for orgasm, for the majority of women. Most cannot will themselves to have an orgasm, it is not often that simple. For most, pleasure and orgasm result from equal parts of emotional and physical stimulation.
One variation of the woman-on-top, face-to-face intercourse position From the book "Masters and Johnson on Sex and Human loving" Copyright 1982, 1985, 1986 By William H. Masters, M.D., Virginia E Johnson, and Robert C. Kolodny, M.D.
Clitoral Stimulation It is the popular consensus today that the majority of women must have their clitoris directly stimulated during vaginal intercourse if they are to have a chance at experiencing orgasm. If a woman or her partner does not directly stimulate her clitoris, she is much less likely to experience orgasm. The best means of doing so is by caressing and massaging the clitoris with hands and fingers. Because of the position of our body's during intercourse, it is often easier for a woman to caress her clitoris than it is for her partner, and she is usually more proficient at it. This is in part why masturbation is so important to women and couples. If a woman's clitoris happens to rub against her partner's body during intercourse, it is not usually sufficient in intensity and duration for
orgasm to occur, unless a special effort is made to maintain this contact. If clitoral stimulation is left to chance, orgasm is much less likely.
The sexual positions that permit direct clitoral stimulation during intercourse are those in which a woman is on top, or where her partner is behind or beside her. While women may enjoy feeling the weight of their partner on them in the missionary position, this position is not very conducive to orgasm as their clitoris is not easily accessible. When a woman is on top, she can reach down and stimulate her clitoris as she slowly rocks her hips, thrusting is not necessary. She can in turn use her pelvic muscles to grasp and stimulate her partner’s penis. A woman can bring herself to orgasm first, then her partner. The expectation that a couple's orgasms occur at the same time is more likely to impair rather than enhance sexual pleasure and fulfillment.
When Clitoral Stimulation is Not Appropriate While clitoral stimulation is often desired and required, there are women who find it uncomfortable or even painful. This discomfort and pain may occur if a woman is not sufficiently aroused, possibly as a result of being nervous or feeling vunerable. If this should occur, she is not likely to be adequately lubricated resulting in too much friction and an absence of the necessary chemical messengers that make orgasm possible. Many things can irritate the delicate clitoris, as mentioned on the pages about hygiene and vaginitis. If a woman has clitoral adhesions her clitoris may be irritated by trapped smegma. It is also possible for a yeast infection to involve the clitoris but not the vagina. If any of these should occur, a woman's clitoris is likely to be very sensitive, too sensitive in fact, or in the case of adhesions, hidden from stimulation.
There are women who have a clitoral glans that is always exquisitely sensitive and cannot be directly stimulated. When this occurs, they cannot tolerate any clitoral stimulation, or only indirect stimulation by means of massaging the clitoral hood, outer labia, or lower pubic mound. Some have to rely on the gentleness and familiarity of their own touch. A woman may require the use of generous amounts of additional lubrication, in the form of water or silicone based sexual lubricants. If a woman does not desire or cannot tolerate clitoral stimulation, she needs to clearly communicate this to her partner, and when possible explain why. Her partner should be accepting of her needs and wishes. Couples should try to discover the cause of extreme sensitivity and a potential solution rather than dismissing clitoral stimulation completely, especially if a woman is not orgasmic through other forms of stimulation.
Orgasm Not Required An orgasm is only enjoyable if a woman seeks to have one, and it is certainly acceptable for her not too. Keep in mind orgasm is simply one form of pleasure, nor necessarily the best. It is certainly possible for vaginal stimulation to be very enjoyable for a woman in the absence of orgasm. Even if vaginal intercourse is not an orgasmic experience for her, she may enjoy and look forward to it because of the emotional bond between her and her partner. She enjoys the closeness and intimacy of the sexual act, more so than the physical sensations she experiences. There are also women who are happy if her partner experiences pleasure and orgasm even if they do not. They enjoy giving their partner pleasure, not just receiving it, and receive emotional pleasure in return. This too is certainly acceptable, if not done to extreme; at some point a woman needs to require that it be her turn. Note: Men too should not see their own orgasm as a requirement of intercourse and sex; men fake orgasm too.
Intercourse, or any sexual activity for that matter, may not be an appropriate activity for a couple if one partner does not enjoy it physically and/or emotionally and the other is uncomfortable knowing this. Men and women are usually very uncomfortable using or being used as a masturbation aid. Even so, social and partner expectations may cause persons who do not enjoy certain sexual activities to withhold this fact, trying to live up to those false expectations. What they do not realize is, they are presuming their partner enjoys the activity, which certainly may not be the case. Couples end up going through the motions of sex even though neither partner finds what they are doing enjoyable, resulting in both loosing interest. In addition, sex cannot be fulfilling if you cannot be honest with and accepting of your partner.
Another variation of the woman-on-top, face-to-face intercourse position From the book "Masters and Johnson on Sex and Human loving" Copyright 1982, 1985, 1986 By William H. Masters, M.D., Virginia E Johnson, and Robert C. Kolodny, M.D.
Body Position Body position during vaginal intercourse can have a major impact on the amount of pleasure a woman experiences, as well as her partner. A change in position may result in a woman going from feeling nothing at all to being orgasmic. The entire vagina is not equally sensitive to stimulation and as a result the angle and depth of penetration can determine whether a woman experiences intercourse as being pleasurable. The location of a woman's area of vaginal sensitivity, if she has one, will determine the positions she finds most enjoyable. In addition, the amount of clitoral stimulation a woman experiences will also be dependent on body position. While couples do not need to be acrobats, exploration of different sexual positions is recommended.
If a woman has a G-Spot, she may enjoy intercourse the most when her partner's penis presses into or rubs against it, which is more likely when they are penetrating her from behind or when she is on top controlling the angle of entry. Some women find anal intercourse stimulates their G-Spot and they ejaculate during this activity, but not necessarily during vaginal intercourse.
It should be noted that our bodies are designed to have intercourse when a woman is bent at the waist and her partner penetrates her from behind, the "doggy" position. This is the "normal" or "natural" position, not the missionary as is commonly accepted. It is my understanding that this is the position used by couples in many tribal and non-industrialized societies. Unfortunately, some have proposed only "animals" have sex in this position in an attempt to raise humans above other creatures, which has resulted in other positions not only receiving unpopular press, but also persons of different cultures. Do not allow false social believes and expectations to restrict your pleasure.
The "spoon position" From the book "Masters and Johnson on Sex and Human loving" Copyright 1982, 1985, 1986 By William H. Masters, M.D., Virginia E Johnson, and Robert C. Kolodny, M.D.
Rhythm Couples may want to consider experimenting to see if rhythm plays a part in a woman's enjoyment of intercourse. A woman may prefer long fast strokes, short fast strokes, long slow strokes, or short slow strokes. She may enjoy any combination of these. What a woman enjoys may vary depending on her level of sexual arousal, her nearness to orgasm. She may want it long and slow at first to allow arousal to build but then a steady fast pace when she nears orgasm. Experimentation and practice is the key to learning what works best. Do not forget, what worked yesterday may not work today or tomorrow.
Skill and Stamina Being an active participant during intercourse requires skill and stamina. Young men quickly learn this when their penis keeps slipping out, they get sweaty, their muscles start to ache, and they tire quickly. This is something women are sometimes very surprised to learn when they get on top or explore using a dildo in a harness. It may look easy in movies but intercourse is a very physically demanding activity, especially if one tries to do it for any length of time. The old in out is not as easy as it looks. The only way to learn how to do it correctly is through practice and patience. A sense of humor is essential during sex and intercourse, as you will undoubtedly have funny and potentially embarrassing things occur, like slipping out and not being able to get it back in by yourself. Sex is never as easy as it looks in the movies where all the mistakes are edited out.
A Penis is Not Always Best A woman may enjoy having her vagina stimulated by her partner's fingers, hand, vibrators, dildos, etc., but find penile stimulation is not at all pleasurable. There may exist within the vagina only a small area that is sensitive to stimulation. As a result, a penis attached to a man may not be the best tool to use if a person seeks to stimulate this area. By exploring other forms of stimulation a woman is able to take advantage of these potential areas of sensitivity. The size, shape, and texture of the object inserted can be chosen so as to provide the appropriate stimulation. Men should not take it as an indication of personal failure when their partner prefers a dildo or other objects to their penis for vaginal stimulation. Hopefully, men are primarily concerned with their partner's pleasure, not by how it is obtained.
Lesbians and Vaginal Penetration One misconception surrounding vaginal intercourse involves lesbians. We often assume lesbian couples do not engage in vaginal intercourse and penetration. We are more likely to envision them hugging and kissing than having "sex." Within some areas of the lesbian community vaginal stimulation is taboo as it is too closely associated with men and penises. While many lesbian couples do not engage in vaginal penetration or intercourse, a significant number do. The reason they do is quite simply because they enjoy it, it feels good. They are not pretending to be a man and woman, though sometimes they engage in role-playing. They are naturally using all the body parts at their disposal to experience sexual pleasure. Dildos, alone and in a harness, just happen to be an enjoyable and proficient way of stimulating the vagina. Wearing a dildo in a harness is pleasurable for some women, as having a "penis" and penetrating their partner gives them a sense of power and control; this applies to heterosexual as well as lesbian women. Vaginal stimulation is potentially enjoyable for all women, regardless of their sexual orientation.
While we may assume there is a difference between what lesbian and heterosexual women do sexually, this is not true. They potentially have the same interests, needs, and desires and engage in the same activities as a result. Every type of sexual activity heterosexual women engage in, lesbian women engage in as well, and vise versa. The fact that the vast majority of women, lesbian, bisexual, and heterosexual, are raised in heterosexual families and communities results in the same role models and sexual expectations, not to mention the same anatomy and sexual diversity. The anatomy of a woman's partner does not affect her wants and needs. Society, social groups, and women themselves should be careful not to restrict what women can do with their partner, based on their sexual orientation or their partner's anatomy.
Learning from Lesbians Something men and their female partners can learn from lesbians is the use of fingers and hands to stimulate a woman's vagina. Lesbians do not have a penis so they often rely on their flexible and sensitive fingers and hands to stimulate the vagina in ways no penis ever could. They use their fingers not just to thrust in and out, but also to slowly explore every detail. They caress the vaginal walls and awaken hidden nerve endings. They may seek out and explore her G-spot or slowly stretch and fill the vagina with their entire hand. For some women a single finger is all they need and desire so discuss things prior to getting too carried away. Use plenty of lubrication, trim and file your fingernails, and perhaps use vinyl or latex surgical gloves. A woman's partner may actually feel closer to her when they use their hands instead of their penis to give her pleasure, because they can observe her pleasure with greater ease and are less distracted by their own body and desires.
Side-to-side, face-to-face intercourse position From the book "Masters and Johnson on Sex and Human loving" Copyright 1982, 1985, 1986 By William H. Masters, M.D., Virginia E Johnson, and Robert C. Kolodny, M.D.
The Pressure Placed on Men A penis is made of flesh and blood and our expectations of it are seldom realistic. We must not forget there is a living breathing man attached to that penis. In the rush to fulfill women's sexual needs we may expect too much from men and their penises. This is not meant to suggest men are inferior to women, it is just that a penis functions only as well as a clitoris. We place enormous pressure on men by expecting them to achieve and maintain an erection while not ejaculating for long periods of time. From an evolutionary and reproductive perspective this probably is not a realistic expectation. This is a very large order to fill and is why Viagra is in such demand, even by those who are not impotent.
When men fail to achieve these unrealistic goals we not only deal them an emotional blow but also take away their pleasure in the process by causing them to feel guilty. We do not allow them to enjoy their orgasms if they occur prior to their partners. Fear of failure is causing teenagers and men to be unable to achieve an erection, or their erection quickly diminishes, when they attempt intercourse. They may be so nervous and agitated they ejaculate quickly. As a result, men are becoming the ones with the "headache." Note: By learning and using Kegel exercises, men may voluntarily learn better control over their erections and orgasms, increasing not only their own pleasure, but also their partner's. While not a reliable means of birth control, not ejaculating may have its benefits, on occasion.
Women often judge themselves based on the performance of their partner's penis, causing them undo feelings of failure. A woman is led to believe if her partner finds her attractive and desirable his
penis will automatically be erect when they desire intercourse, and even when they do not. While some may see their partner as oversexed, they also expect frequent erections to demonstrate how desirable they are. When a woman's partner does not experience an erection, she often feels at fault. While a woman may see her partner's inability to achieve an erection as a personal failure, she may project these feelings onto her partner. She does not want to feel at fault so she blames and perhaps belittles them. While she may say it is not a reason for concern, her expressions and actions may state otherwise. Because we seldom want to look inward, blaming others is much easer to do, and is perhaps a selfprotection mechanism. A woman may reject her partner rather than addressing her own feelings of failure. This is very harmful to women, and their relationships with men. If women are looking to their partner's penis for validation, they simply will not find it.
Vibrators Many couples have found placing a vibrator on or near a woman's clitoris during intercourse increases the likelihood of orgasm. Placing a vibrator directly against a woman's clitoris may not be necessary or desired. Placing it against the pubic mound or outer labia often results in sufficient clitoral stimulation for orgasm to occur. A wand shaped vibrator, like the Hitachi Magic Wand, is one possible choice. Rechargeable vibrators may be more convenient as there is no power cord to get in the way. The small but powerful battery powered Pocket Rocket works very well, and is mentioned again below. If the vibrator is powerful, to soften the vibrations, place a small folded towel between a woman's clitoris and the vibrator. Vibrators should be seen as a way of enhancing sexual pleasure, not as taking away from it.
Dildos and Harnesses: Not Just for Women While we may assume only lesbians would have a use for a dildo in a harness, men can and do use them too. By using a dildo in place of their penis men can actually relax and enjoy sex with their partner to a greater degree because there is far less pressure to perform, i.e. stress. There is simply much less for them to worry about. They do not have to be concerned about ejaculating too quickly or loosing their erection. They can literally lie back and relax. By removing some of the fear and self-doubt many men experience they will find increased sexual happiness. When and if a man seeks to experience orgasm, a couple can engage in whatever sexual activities they desire, including penile-vaginal intercourse.
While some may be concerned about the possible loss of physical intimacy, this will not occur. The amount of physical contact decreases very little by using a dildo. Emotional intimacy is always of greater importance. If a couple has the appropriate mind set, not holding to the false expectation that a "man" must have an erection and ejaculate for there to be "sex," intimacy will not be adversely affected. Keep in mind, penile/vaginal contact does not guarantee intimacy. There may actually be increased intimacy because there will be fewer things to distracted a couple. He will not be worrying about not lasting long enough and she will not be worrying about taking too long. If they experience increased pleasure with fewer fears, sex is going to be more pleasurable and fulfilling for both.
The use of a dildo in a harness can increase the number sexual activities a couple can explore and the length of those activities. A woman can sit straddling her partner, and possibly caress her clitoris, while rocking her hips for as long as her heart desires; allowing her partner to observe and share in her pleasure with
fewer distractions. A couple can take turns doing the pelvic rocking or thrusting and extend the duration of intercourse. They can simply cuddle while the woman enjoys the feeling of her vagina being filled. A woman can explore and discover if bigger really is better, or switch to smaller when necessary. A couple can explore changing roles by having the woman wear the harness and penetrate her partner. This allows "heterosexual" men to explore fellatio and anal penetration. A dildo and harness will enhance rather than take away from a couple’s sexual experiences if they are open to the idea. As an interesting side note, there are lesbians who feel they are better sexual partners because their penis, a dildo in a harness, is always erect and they never have to worry about ejaculating too quickly, but as a consequence their partner may expect marathon and acrobatic sex.
Women naturally have varying needs and desires when it comes to penetrative sex. A couple can choose a dildo of a size, firmness, and texture that fulfill a woman's individual needs and desires during each sexual activity. She may prefer a small flexible dildo during fellatio and anal intercourse but a large firm one during vaginal intercourse, as an example. If a woman finds deep penetration painful, she can choose a dildo of appropriate size. If she desires more stimulation, she can choose one with bumps and ridges. She can choose a dildo shaped in a way that stimulates her G-Spot. It should be noted that silicone dildos are perhaps the best choice of materials, as well as dildos made from cyberskin, but these are more expensive and harder to care for than silicone. A couple should invest in a high quality harness and dildos because the cheap plastic ones simply do not work; the all in one $20 specials belong in the trash not the bedroom. A $100 investment will serve a couple for many years. Parents should note that gift certificates for on-line adult stores make great gifts for young adults and the economically disadvantaged at Christmas and birthdays. Important Note: Men can use their fingers, as mentioned above, to stimulate their partner's vagina. It is not necessary to use a penis or dildo to stimulate the vagina for it to be pleasurable for both. Using a dildo in a harness is just one option available to couples.
The First Time
Illustration by Patsy Website FromLifeDrawings.com
One of the most common subjects I receive questions concerning is virginity. Young men and women often want to know what to do and what to expect when they have intercourse (i.e. vaginalpenile) for the first time. Given the social significance of this event in a person's life, it is surprising how little factual information is available on the subject. What information is available is often incorrect and harmful to young adults.
Who is a Virgin?
A girl or woman who has not permitted a male partner to insert his penis into her vagina is commonly accepted to be a virgin. Others define a virgin as any girl or woman who has not had sexual contact with another person, and who has not explored her own body as well. Strict religious doctrines require virgins to not only forgo physical sex but also sexual thought. Still others say a virgin is a girl or woman who has an intact hymen. Your definition of a virgin depends on your point of view.
There are always exceptions to every definition of what constitutes a virgin. The above definitions do not take into account homosexuals and intersexed individuals. At what point does a lesbian become a non-virgin? If an intersexed individual without a vagina accepts a female identity, will she always be a virgin? If a girl is born without a hymen, is she never a virgin? What about sexually abused girls and raped teens? If you did not consent, is that the same as consenting? If a bi-sexual teen is a "technical virgin," a person who engages in sexual touching and/or oral sex but not vaginal intercourse, still a virgin even if she has had twenty sexual partners? Virginity is a spiritual attribute, not a physical one. A virgin and virginity are what you believe them to be.
Since virginity is a spiritual attribute, a woman can be a virgin more than once in her lifetime, as odd as that may sound. The best example of this may be the young teen that tries intercourse once and realizes she was not really ready, it was not as enjoyable as she had hoped, or that it was simply a mistake, and does not engage in intercourse again for several years. As time goes by, her reluctance to engage in intercourse may increase, or becomes greater than it ever was, because she comes to expect more. From an emotional point of view, she is a virgin, with the same desires and apprehensions.
Taking Reproduction Out of Sex
Western society has a preoccupation with intercourse that no longer benefits our society, specifically female sexuality. Intercourse is great for reproduction, having babies, but it does not necessarily benefit a woman seeking sexual pleasure and sexual fulfillment. This is partly because all other forms of sexuality and sexual activity have been defined as something other than "sex," not "the real thing." If everything other than intercourse is not "real" it cannot or does not exist. By this definition of sex, female sexual pleasure is almost precluded from existence. The role the clitoris plays in female sexual pleasure is not taken into account, which is equivalent to ignoring the role of the penis in male sexual pleasure. Sex is and must be more than penile-vaginal intercourse if it is to benefit women.
Another problem with this preoccupation with intercourse is the resulting unwanted pregnancies and the children that result from them. We as a society do not view reproduction as favorably as we once did yet we still place an emphasis on an activity whose primary and evolutionary purpose is conception. We ignore the facts that no form of birth control is one hundred percent effective, many forms of birth control have adverse side effects, that abortion, when it is an option, is not free, and that we make social outcasts of teens who have babies. In addition, a "modern woman" is defined as a businesswoman, not as a mother, appropriately or not.
While many have tried to separate female sexuality from reproduction, they have done so by trying to take the reproduction out of women versus taking reproduction out of sex. If we want to give women the option of not having babies, we need to allow them not to engage in a reproductive act. If a woman does not want to have a baby, her first option should be not to have intercourse, not rely on unreliable birth control that may be too expensive for her to buy, unavailable to her, or adversely affects her well being. A woman should not have to forgo sexual pleasure or put her health at risk because she does not want to reproduce.
A lesbian made a comment to me that sums things up concerning women and intercourse. One of the reasons she benefited by being a lesbian was that she could choose whether or not to engage in vaginal penetration because it was not required of her, if anything, the opposite was true. If she were heterosexual she would not be given that choice. The idea that if you are a woman with a male partner that you must absolutely without a doubt take his penis into your vagina is ridiculous. It certainly does not benefit women, which in the end does not benefit men.
Sexual Development The current female sexuality paradigm suggests that all a young woman needs to do to prepare to become sexually active is to spread her legs. While this is a crude statement, it effectively defines our concept of female sexuality. We expect a woman to receive all her sexual pleasure from her partner's penis. As a result, she does not need to do anything to prepare herself for partner sex, or specifically intercourse. Society would prefer that she did not. Sex is a life long learning process that involves more than three minutes of intercourse.
If a woman is to be a healthy sexual adult she must first be a healthy sexual child. The process of preparing for "adult" sex involves engaging in sex and being sexual when you are a child. The first sexual act a girl usually engages in is self-exploration. As a result of exploring her body she discovers her vulva and other body parts are sensitive to touch. Not only her own touch, but also that of her parents and care givers, when they bathe her etc. Because it feels good to touch these areas she may do so frequently. This can and does result in orgasm. Girls have been observed masturbating to orgasm when they were as young as three months old.
As the girl grows she gains the ability to move about and explore the world around her. As a result of this exploration she discovers other children. When she explores these other children she explores their genitals and they explore hers. Since she knows it feels good to touch her own genitals, she may actively encourage others to do the same. Out of curiosity it seems likely that mutual oral sexual stimulation would soon start to occur as well. As parents are well aware, young children stick everything in their mouths. What a girl does not discover for herself she learns from her peers.
All this sexual development and sexuality takes place in the first few years of a girl's life. By the time puberty starts to occur she has been "sexually active" for several years. Until puberty occurs, her male partner's penis has been too small to permit deep vaginal penetration, protecting her undeveloped "reproductive" organs from injury, if her sexual partners are boys. In addition, since her body is not ready to reproduce, older adult men would not see her as a potential reproductive partner.
While we may not agree on the age when this sexual development should or does occur, it is essential that is does, and that it occurs in about the order described above. Just as the process of learning to run first involves learning to crawl and walk, sex is also a learning process made up of essential steps. Sex is not an instinctive or natural skill we are born with. Engaging in intercourse having had no past sexual experiences is equivalent to trying to drive a car on a major highway during rush hour when you have never driven a car before. Lets just say there would be a lot of painful accidents.
Essential Sexual Skills
Before any young woman considers engaging in vaginal intercourse she should have already developed the following sexual skills and knowledge. •
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Self Awareness: A girl or woman should first learn about her own body before all else. This means not only knowing where your clitoris is, but also what is looks like and how it responds to different types of stimulation. This applies to your entire body, not just your clitoris. It is being aware of when you are sexually aroused, and what arouses you. Do men, women, or both arouse you? It means acknowledging that you are a sexual being with sexual feelings and thoughts. The greater your awareness of your mind and body, the better they work. Masturbation: You need to learn to make love to yourself before you can make love to a partner. As a result of exploring your body you should discover some areas are very sensitive to touch. Because it feels good to touch these sensitive areas, you do it repeatedly and discover the pleasures of orgasm. If you are able to give yourself an orgasm, it is usually easier for a partner to stimulate you to orgasm when the time comes. This is because your mind and body are already conditioned to the process of sexual arousal and orgasm. Plus, if your future partner has not developed the ability to stimulate you to orgasm, you still have the means of achieving orgasm. You do not need to rely on a partner to fulfill your needs, and saves you from becoming sexually frustrated. Mutual Masturbation: This simply means you learn to give and receive pleasure with your hands. You explore your partner's body as they explore your own. In the process you both learn to give each other an orgasm with your hands. Watching your partner masturbate to orgasm is a great teaching/learning tool you have at your disposal. Vaginal and anal stimulation may be explored and this prepares the body for intercourse later on if that is desired. Oral Sex: Our lips are very sensitive, as are our genitals, should we be surprised the act of using one to stimulate the other is very pleasurable? Just as with any skill, oral sex requires practice if you are to become good at it, it is not a skill you are born with. The aversion people often have to oral-genital contact is the result of social conditioning. There is no reason why two healthy people
should not have the option of engaging in this activity. This skill should also be practiced until both partners are able to experience orgasm.
When Should a Young Woman Start Exploring Partner Sex? At what age should a girl or woman be before starting to explore sex? The social mores of each girl's family, community, and society will likely determine when she is permitted to become sexually active. Western society certainly does not permit girls to be sexually active right out of the womb. Two factors, puberty and peer pressure, usually determine the age at which girls become sexually active. Whether a girl's female friends are sexually active or not plays a larger role than puberty. The younger a girl is when she starts puberty though, the younger she likely is when she becomes sexually active. This is because her secondary sexual characteristics, namely breasts, attract the attention of older boys, and perhaps because she is not able to ignore her developing sex drive indefinitely. She is often less reluctant to have sex than are older girls.
In general though, the longer a young woman waits to explore partner sex, the better off she is. The reason young women should postpone partner sex is because our society does not prepare them properly for it, not because it is natural for them to wait. We interrupt or preempt the normal sexual development of our girls at birth and then try to postpone it until later in life, when they are at least eighteen and married. When we do return their sexuality we usually hurry it along. Perhaps expecting them to become fully sexual the night of their wedding. When a teenage girl expresses an interest in partner sex, the pressure is on for her to engage in intercourse. Even if she does other sexual activities in order to postpone this event, it usually occurs too soon. During normal
sexual development there would be ten to fifteen years between the times she started exploring sex and her first experience with intercourse. In our society that time span is anywhere from a few minutes to at most a few years.
Women who did become sexually active at a young age usually wish they had waited longer to do so, even if they have positive feelings about those early experiences. Most of these women look back and realize they just were not ready to become sexually active when they did. The reason they were not ready is they did not know enough about sex, and as a result, it was not as enjoyable as it could have been. They usually did not fully develop their basic sexual skills until five, ten, or even twenty years after they started engaging in intercourse. They probably did not masturbate and may have only dabbled in mutual masturbation and oral sex. They did not fully develop these basic skills since they were not supposed to be necessary. While they may have enjoyed sex on an emotional level, orgasm was often absent. This often left them wondering, "Is that all there is?" The expected fireworks were absent.
I wish I could tell young women who read this exactly when they should start exploring their sexuality with a partner, but I cannot. It depends on each young woman's individual situation. If your parents permitted you to be sexual as a child, you may be sexually active long before you are even able to read this. On the other hand, if you live in a family or community that does not permit young women to be sexual, the social ramifications of your becoming sexual, no matter how much you may desire to, could cause you more harm than good. Sometimes, even if sex is not wrong, it is not right either.
Each woman must determine for herself the right time, without being selfish. If you are not sure if you are ready, then you are not ready and need to wait. It certainly does not harm a young woman to wait until she is in her twenties to start exploring her sexuality
with a partner. If anything, given our current society and the risks involved, namely sexually transmitted diseases like AIDS, it's far better for women to wait. I'm not saying teenage girls should not have sex with a partner, just that is usually a wiser choice if they decide not to. Each girl needs to make this decision for herself.
Reasons Why a Young Woman Should Not Explore Partner Sex There are definitely situations when young women should not become sexually active. There is no reason for a young woman to feel she "has to" engage in sex. If she does feel this way, there is something terribly wrong with the situation. If someone is telling you, you "should" or that you "have to," you "should not." There is absolutely no reason you have to have sex, period. You should only have sex because you want to, because you want to explore it, and because you want to give AND receive sexual pleasure. You do not do it because of love, because everyone else is doing it, or because it is "adult." If you do not feel you can walk away from a situation without having sex, then you should be running away from it.
If a young woman's partner and friends really "care for," "respect her," and "love her," they would never make her feel she should be sexually active. Love is the last reason to have sex. If your partner truly loves you, they will not ask you to become sexually active before you are ready. If you do not feel totally comfortable with the situation, it is not right and you need to remove yourself from it. Girls facing this situation need someone to be available to them for emotional support. In the absence of this person, she will more than likely start having sex, even if she knows she should not. Parents and primary care givers are essential in a young woman's life.
When is a Young Woman Ready for Intercourse? If a young woman decides she wants to explore vaginal intercourse when is it the right time or age to start this exploration? If one goes by the sequence of development I outlined above, she would likely start engaging in vaginal intercourse during puberty, as her secondary sexual characteristics and pheromones would attract the attention of older males. Since she would already have been sexually active for several years she would likely be physically and mentally prepared to do so. Besides being illegal in our society this would result in a lot of young girls becoming pregnant, which would likely increase the number of maternal and infant deaths that occur. While many girls may start menstruating at the age of ten, their body, and certainly their mind, is not ready to reproduce at that age. Engaging in intercourse when the biological urge to do so develops is not a good idea. One must acknowledge though that teenage girls often have very strong sex drives that are hard to ignore. We often joke about how teenage boys are walking hormone factories, forgetting that teenage girls are in the same situation. A young woman is ready for vaginal intercourse when she has learned her basic sexual skills and knows she is ready to do so and not before.
Are You Ready to be a Parent? Any person who desires to engage in intercourse should first ask himself or herself if they want to have a child with their partner. This applies to all women, and men, of reproductive age. Becoming pregnant is NOT a "miracle" for the vast majority of teens and women. Most teens and women are VERY fertile and become pregnant easily. If a teen has started having menstrual periods, she can become pregnant and is likely to do so if she allows sperm
to come in contact with her vulva or vagina, if she is not using birth control. There are women and teens that become pregnant the very first time they have intercourse, and on rare occasions even girls who have never had intercourse become pregnant. Even when birth control is used correctly, which the inexperienced person is less likely to do, there is still a chance of pregnancy. No form of birth control is one hundred percent effective. If you know you do not want to have a baby and that having one would have an adverse affect on your life, you may want to choose not to engage in intercourse with your partner. In general, women in school, up through college, should view pregnancy as very undesirable. If you do not want to have a child, you are perhaps better off not engaging in intercourse.
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Who Should be the First? Which sexual partner should a teen or woman chooses to have intercourse with for the first time? That depends on the individual. A long-term partner is a good choice. You do not need to love them or be married to them, but you should be good friends who trust and respect each other. You should enjoy being together and hopefully you are able to express your thoughts and feeling with them freely. You should be able to envision the relationship lasting years versus days or months. This is because sex is a learning process that takes time and communication. Before you get to the point in the sexual relationship where you consider intercourse you should have already spent a lot of time developing your basic sexual skills together. You should already enjoy sex together. Teens and women should choose the sexual partner they have intercourse with for the first time with caution, if you are not sure
they are the right one, they're not. Even if they are the right one, it does not mean you HAVE to either.
Virgin Brides A word of advise for "virgin brides," and any women who postpones engaging in all forms of sexual activity until they are in their twenties or later. Women who do so often value their virginity greatly or else they would not have waited so long to become sexually active. As such it means a lot to them and becoming a non-virgin means a lot to them and they have high expectations regarding their first time. The problem lies in that having had no past sexual experiences you probably are not ready for intercourse, or for that matter, anything more than hugging and kissing.
My advise to these women is to slowly develop their sexual skills one at a time over an extended period of time before having intercourse with their partner. It might be a wiser choice to celebrate your first anniversary by having intercourse for the first time versus doing so on the night of your wedding when you are probably stressed and tired. You are likely to be married for years, so there is no need to try and do everything the first night or week. The thrill of doing it will not wear off if you wait, if anything, the anticipation will grow as you and your partner develop your relationship. Have fun and explore, but do not put a lot of pressure on yourself to be a sexual dynamo. In addition, it usually is not good for the marriage or committed relationship if pregnancy occurs within the first year.
Sexual Compatibility
One potential drawback of waiting until after you marry to explore partner sex is, sexual incompatibility. If you have not explored sex with your partner, how do you know their sexual interests and desires are compatible with your own? We often underestimate the importance of sex and intimacy within a relationship. Since society does not place significant emphasis on sex within a relationship, couples may do the same. We may place great importance on having the same interests in music and foods, religious beliefs, and desire for children, but never compare our sexual compatibility. We may just guess as to what our partner does or does not want sexually, and many times we are not even close. Sex often becomes a part of the relationship where one or both partners make great sacrifices or does things unwillingly. The quality of a couple’s sexual relationship is often a direct indicator as to the general health of the entire relationship. If you are not compatible in bed, you probably are not compatible out of bed.
Communication A way to avoid facing this potential problem is to discuss your sexual interests and desires prior to marriage, or starting a sexual relationship. List on a piece of paper all the things you want to try in one column, things you might try in another column, and the things you definitely do not want to try in another. You can use the index pages out of a book about sex to get a list of potential sexual activities. If you want to get more specific, rank your interest level in trying each sexual activity. Are you simply curious or desperate to try it? Have your partner do the same and then compare the lists. Both partners must complete their list BEFORE showing them to their partner as one partner may try to fulfill their partner's expectations of them versus being honest otherwise. You will want the lists of thing you each want or might try to be very similar. If a lot of the things you want to try are in your partner’s definitely not list, this is not a good sign. If you list fifty things you want to try and your partner five, do you believe you are going to be a good sexual match? To determine if you have compatible sex drives you might want to write down how often you masturbate. You can also
write down how often you become sexually aroused, desire partner sex, or have a sexual thoughts or fantasies. Be honest during all of this because your future marriage or relationship will likely depend on it. Couples will likely need to complete new lists many times during their relationship as their expectations and desires may change with time and experience.
Pain and Bleeding It appears that in order to persuade young women not to engage in sex and intercourse our society has employed scare tactics. Society has tried to make teens fearful of their first experience by leading them to believe it will be painful and bloody. If you know it will be so, you are less likely to do it, or so some believe; the powerful influence of sexual desire is often overlooked. While a woman's first experience with intercourse can involve some pain and bleeding, it is not as bad as we are often led to believe. While most women do experience some pain or discomfort, it is rarely extremely so. In any event, pain is an indication that something is wrong.
About fifty percent of women experience some bleeding the first time, or the first couple times, they have intercourse. The cause of this bleeding is usually the tearing of their hymen. Sometimes, the vaginal wall or vulva can be injured and this too can result in some bleeding. There is usually very little bleeding, a tablespoon or less (In comparison, about four tablespoons of blood are lost during each menstrual period.) On rare occasions, there can be a lot, but this is the exception and women should not expect this to happen to them. There may appear to be more blood loss than there actually is as the blood will mix with the vaginal lubrication and sweat that are present.
Preparing the Vagina for Intercourse The way to avoid pain and bleeding is to slowly and gently stretch the hymen and vagina prior to engaging in intercourse. It seems if the normal course of sexual development occurs, the hymen would be slowly and painlessly dilated long before intercourse occurred for the first time. A woman can do this herself using her fingers. Lubricate your finger with a water based lubricant or saliva and then slowly and gently insert it into your vagina while masturbating. You must be sexually aroused when you do this. Use one hand to caress your clitoris while the other explores your vagina. In the beginning, only the tip of your finger may enter. With your finger or fingertip inside your vagina, gently press your finger outward from the center of your vagina. Imagine your vagina is at the center of a clock face and gently press your finger towards each number on the clock face. Press until you feel some resistance, but not so much that you feel pain, for a couple seconds, then repeat pressing in a new direction. Work your way around the clock face. This stretches the hymen and muscles. Over time, slowly work your way up to three fingers, or an object of equivalent size. Some will find they can do this without difficulty within a week or less, others will require several months. It all depends on how elastic your hymen is and how relaxed and flexible your pelvic and vaginal muscles are.
Initially, the pelvic muscles surrounding the vaginal orifice may be very tight and the hymeneal opening small. This may make the insertion of even a single finger uncomfortable or even impossible. In this case, just press against the vaginal orifice versus trying to push your finger into it. While pressing gently in, move your finger in a slow circular manner. With patience, you should slowly notice your finger entering into your body, perhaps over a period of days. It will also help to explore your vulva with a mirror, to help you locate your hymen and vaginal orifice. In most cases, the opening in the hymen will permit the insertion of at least a single lubricated finger or tampon.
A woman's partner can also do this during partner sex if they go slow and are gentle. Good communication is essential, as the woman needs to inform her partner if they are using too much pressure or going too fast. The woman's partner needs to go slowly and be very gentle. Young men tend to be overly eager and rough, they need to make a special effort to be otherwise. (Men often use much more pressure when masturbating their penis than women can tolerate on their vulva.) A woman needs to be able to spread her legs fully and relax her muscles. Doing this with pants and/or panties on will be awkward and cause needless discomfort, as will doing it in a cramped space like a car.
Women who are in their late teens or older may have access to dildos of various sizes that can be used to help stretch the hymen and vagina. If a woman is able to insert an artificial penis of appropriate size, 1.5 in. (3.8cm) in diameter and 6 in. (15 cm) in length, into her vagina, she is certainly going to be more comfortable with the idea of a real one entering her body. Realistic silicone dildos also allow teens and women to explore what a penis may look and feel like and practice fellatio (oral stimulation of the penis), putting a condom on a penis, anal sex, and may just be fun to play and experiment with, even if they are a virgin or a lesbian. Small and medium sized butt-plugs may make dilating the vagina and hymen easier because of their tapered shape.
Kegels A healthy vagina is one that is both strong and flexible. In addition to dilating and stretching the vaginal and pelvic muscles they should also be strengthened. The vagina of a virgin is tight because the muscles are atrophied not because they are strong. If the vaginal and pelvic muscles are not strengthened as they are dilated they may not develop the ability to grasp things inserted between
them. This will lessen the friction between the vaginal walls and anything inserted between them and can result in vaginal penetration not being as enjoyable as it could be, for both partners. Young women should learn and get in the habit of doing Kegel exercises.
The best way for a young woman to learn to do Kegels is to practice stopping the flow of urine from her bladder when she urinates. Instead of just letting the urine flow freely, get in the habit of starting and stopping the flow several times each time you urinate. With practice it should become easy. Once you get accustomed to doing it while urinating and learn to know when your pelvic muscles are both tight and relaxed, start doing them when you are not urinating, while sitting in class, while at work, while riding or driving in a car, talking on the phone, or while watching TV. Tighten the muscles for one or two seconds, ten times per session, as many times per day as you can.
If you learn to do Kegels before starting to dilate your vagina you may find it easier to do so. This is because you will know when the pelvic muscles are tight, and when they are relaxed. Before inserting your finger or other object into your vagina first tighten and then relax your pelvic muscles. This makes you aware of your pelvic muscles, and ensures that they are relaxed. Once you are able to insert at least the tip of your finger into your vagina you can practice grasping it with your pelvic muscles. You will find it easier to move your finger when the muscles are relaxed. Being able to relax your vaginal muscles will come in useful when a partner inserts their finger(s) or penis, and when a doctor needs to insert their fingers or a speculum during a gynecological exam. Having strong pelvic muscles can increase the intensity of orgasm. Kegels also increase a woman's self-awareness.
Since a woman's vaginal muscles are not under her direct control they are less easy to control and develop. The way to prepare them for intercourse is to use them, which means inserting something
into the vagina for them to grasp. The way to relax them is to relax the whole body. If a woman is relaxed and her vagina is empty, her vaginal muscles are likely relaxed. When she is relaxed and her pelvic muscles are relaxed she can insert her finger into her vagina. She should feel her vagina, past the pelvic muscles, conforming to the size and shape of her finger(s). A woman's vaginal walls are not smooth, they are made up of many small folds or ridges of tissue since it must be able to adjust to the passage of a baby's head.
A good way for a woman to prepare her vagina for intercourse is to insert a finger or other object into her vagina while she masturbates to orgasm. This not only gives her vaginal muscles some exercise but also allows her to get accustomed to the sensations associated with having something inside the vagina when she is sexually aroused and experiences orgasm. This would also make the possibility of vaginal orgasm more likely since all the associated sensations are not foreign to her.
Why does it Hurt? There can be several factors that can combine to make not only the first time but also the first few times painful or uncomfortable. Women who have not engaged in intercourse for an extended period of time may find themselves in the same situation. The potential causes for pain and discomfort are listed below. They are not presented in hopes of persuading women not to explore intercourse, but rather to better prepare them for it. I receive many e-mails asking, "Why did it hurt?" or "Why does it still hurt?" •
Nervous Tension: While not necessarily a major factor, a young woman may be apprehensive or even fearful of intercourse and as a result her muscles constrict. This as a natural defensive mechanism intended to protect our body from injury. A woman may be concerned about how much pain she will experience or she
may not be fully prepared for intercourse emotionally. She may also fear becoming pregnant. Other factors that contribute to nervous tension are fear of being caught or found out about by parents, or friends if a girl's peers are not sexually active. Often, youthful enthusiasm and a strong sex drive overcome these feelings.
If a young woman finds herself all tensed up, or if her partner notices that she is, this is an indication she is not ready to have intercourse. If a woman is lying there motionless with her hands and teeth clenched, she is extremely tense. Ideally, she should be as relaxed as a bowl of Jell-O. If a woman is tense, intercourse should not be attempted. The couple should discuss and figure out what is making her feel this way. Efforts should be taken to resolve these issues. Some cannot be resolved easily and intercourse may need to be postponed, perhaps for an extended period of time.
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Inelastic Pelvic & Vaginal Muscles: Many people believe the hymen is the sole cause of pain and discomfort during a woman's first experience with intercourse. In actuality, the hymen probably plays only a small part. The largest and strongest barrier to vaginal penetration is likely a woman's pelvic muscles. In addition, the vagina itself can resist and even prevent penetration because of its muscular structure. In order for anything to enter into the vagina it must stretch and dilate both the pelvic and vaginal muscles.
From the book A New View of a Woman's Body Copyright 1981, The Federation of Feminist Women's Health Centers Illustrated By: Suzann Gage, L Ac, RNC, NP ISBN 0-9629945-0-2 Pbk.
The illustrations presented above and below show the vagina and the surrounding structures. The open space shown between the vaginal walls does not actually exist when the vagina is in its normal relaxed state. The space exists in anatomy illustrations so the different structures can be shown more clearly. The vagina is
not a "hole" or "cavity" in the body. The vaginal and pelvic muscles are highlighted in color to show their position within the body and their relationship to one another.
From the book Eve's Secrets Page 110. Author: Josephine Lowndes Sevely. Copyright 1987 Josephine Lowndes Sevely. ISBN 0-394-55438-8
From the book A New View of a Woman's Body Copyright 1981, The Federation of Feminist Women's Health Centers Illustrated By: Suzann Gage, L Ac, RNC, NP ISBN 0-9629945-0-2 Pbk.
The above illustration shows the superficial and deep pelvic muscles, located just below the skin, that surround the outer portion of vagina, urethra, and anus. In the illustration shown below, the superficial muscles have been removed so the deep muscles can be seen clearly. Again, the vagina, urethra, and anus are not open passages inside the body.
From the book A New View of a Woman's Body Copyright 1981, The Federation of Feminist Women's Health Centers Illustrated By: Suzann Gage, L Ac, RNC, NP ISBN 0-9629945-0-2 Pbk.
Several muscles surround the vaginal orifice. The main one is often called the pubococcygeus (PC) muscle; in the above illustrations it is called the pelvic diaphragm. It surrounds the vaginal and anal orifices in the shape of a figure eight. This is the muscle a person constricts when they stop the flow of urine from their body, and a woman uses while doing Kegel exercises to strengthen her pelvic muscles. There is also a set of muscles that lie on either side of the vaginal opening, they are often called bulbospongiosus muscles; in the above illustration they called the bulbocavernosus muscles.
The walls of the vagina are composed of two layers of smooth muscle, as shown in the illustration below. Smooth muscles are those that you cannot voluntarily control, like the muscles of your heart. A woman cannot grasp things with her vagina; she can only
do this with her pelvic muscles. The muscle fibers of one layer are aligned so as to run parallel to the path of the vagina, that is, from the uterus to the vulva. The muscle fibers of the second layer are aligned to encircle the vagina. These muscle fibers constrict so as to grasp whatever may be inserted into the vagina, no matter whether it is a finger, tampon, or penis.
From the book: The Ciba Collection of Medical Illustrations: Volume 2, Reproductive System Prepared by: Frank H. Netter, M.D. Edited by: Ernst Oppenheimer, M.D. Copyright 1954 and 1965 Ciba Pharmaceutical Company.
The best way to envision the vagina that is not accustomed to dilation is to compare it to a clenched fist. If you held your hand in a fist for fifteen to twenty-five years the muscles would be more than just a little tight and ridged. As a result, it would be difficult to insert a single finger into the passage created by your curled fingers. Imagine trying to insert three fingers at once! Needless to say it would be difficult and painful. The young woman who does not prepare her vaginal and pelvic muscles for intercourse faces this situation. The best way to prepare the vagina and pelvic muscles for intercourse is to follow the steps outlined above. Since
the presence or absence of a hymen in no way indicates a woman's virginal status, there is no reason why a young woman should not. On the other hand, it certainly is not required of her and is her personal choice.
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Vaginismus: This is a medical condition that can prevent anything from entering a woman's vagina. Sometimes, as soon as anything touches the vulva or the vaginal orifices the pelvic muscles constrict painfully, preventing anything from entering the vagina. If penetration is attempted it is extremely painful. If penetration is attempted repeatedly the problem worsens. A woman who has a greater awareness of her body will be able to sense that it is her pelvic muscles and not her hymen that is causing this pain. Sometimes, even if a woman is able to insert her fingers or a tampon without difficulty she will find herself unable to have intercourse. The cause of vaginismus is sometimes a fear of pain or pregnancy, or the act of penetration itself. Other times there is an injury to the vulva or vagina that has gone undetected or untreated. An unusually thick or strong hymen can also be the cause. A woman who is in this situation should visit, along with her partner, a doctor for a complete medical exam. In some cases, it takes an extended period of time for vaginismus to be treated. It is less of a problem if a couple does not place too much emphasis on intercourse in their relationship.
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Inadequate Sexual Arousal and Lubrication: The process of becoming sexually aroused is a complex process for women as described on the page about orgasm. It takes time for a woman's mind and body to prepare themselves for intercourse. Vaginal wetness by itself does not mean a woman is ready for intercourse. It just means something has sexually aroused her. A woman may be dripping wet after thirty seconds of sexual stimulation but she may not be ready for intercourse quite so quickly.
Women are often not physically ready for intercourse the first time they engage in it. The reason being, things happen too fast and as
a result they are not adequately aroused. Once a woman consents to intercourse, the "real thing," they and their partner often see no need for all that other stuff they have been doing up to that point. Why play around when you can finally do "it?" The woman's partner has an erection so they figure she is ready as well. She said she was ready! Foreplay is often absent or cut short when a woman consents to intercourse which often means her body is not given enough time to prepare for intercourse.
The way to avoid this situation is to acknowledge that time is your best ally. It takes time for a woman and her partner to develop their basic sexual skills. It takes time for a woman to learn to trust her partner enough to be willing and able to make room within her body for their penis. A couple needs to take the time to explore each other's bodies, so they both learn to know when she is sexually aroused and ready for intercourse. The more time a partner spends exploring her vulva and vagina the more aware they will be of when she is ready for intercourse. I realize it can be hard for a young enthusiastic couple to take it slow and easy, but they should try to go as slow as possible. Sometimes, it is better to spend two hours building up to intercourse only to both realize that she is not ready, than it is to ruin the experience for both of you in five minutes. The attitude should never be, "Lets just get it over with."
Even if a woman is literally dripping wet with vaginal lubrication she may not be adequately lubricated for intercourse. A woman's natural lubricant may be too thin, watery, to provide sufficient lubrication. The tighter a woman's vaginal and pelvic muscles are, the thicker the lubricant will need to be. Just as there are different kinds of lubricants to use in the engine of your car depending on where and how you use it, there are also different lubricants for women to use during sex depending on their needs. If you use the wrong lubricant in your car, it does not work correctly, the same holds true for the vagina. If a woman's body is not producing any lubrication at all, this likely means she is nervous and not ready for intercourse.
All couples should acquire some additional lubrication to apply to their genitals and her vagina when they first start engaging in intercourse. It is better to be overly lubricated than to not have enough. Applying the lubricant can be a very erotic experience for both partners. Only water-based lubricants should be used as petroleum based lubricants coat and adhere to the vaginal walls, which can result in vaginal infections. K-Y Jelly is a popular and readily available personal lubricant in the USA. Most stores stock this product and keep it near the sanitary napkins and tampons. A young woman can buy a tube of K-Y Jelly and a box of tampons and people will be less likely to suspect she is planning on having intercourse. Couples in their late teens and twenties can acquire other forms of lubricant at their local adult novelty store or through mail order.
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Soreness: If a woman does not take the time or is unable to prepare her vagina for intercourse it can be very sore after the first few sessions of intercourse. If a woman bleeds there is at least one injury to her vulva or vagina. The site of the injury is likely to be very tender. The vagina may be injured if there is any resistance to penetration. The more force a partner uses the greater the chances of injury. In addition, a woman may use or strain muscles she has never used before. The more pain a woman experience during her first experience(s), the more injury there likely is. Pain is a bad thing, even during intercourse.
A woman with a sore vulva and vagina is not likely to be eager to engage in intercourse. She may do so only because she feels it is expected of her. Many believe the pain, bleeding or discomfort will occur only during the very first experience of intercourse. The body does not usually adapt quite so readily to penetration. This means even after the first experience, patience and additional lubricant are essential. Even so, a woman may find intercourse painful and rightly resist her partner's efforts to engage in it. This is normal and just means a woman needs time to heal. Once she is healed, penetration should be slow and gentle as her muscles may resist
dilation once again. Just because a woman has engaged in intercourse once in her life does not mean she is forever ready for intercourse. If a woman does not engage in intercourse for an extended period of time, her vaginal and pelvic muscles may return to their "virginal" state.
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Cystitis: The urethra is located along the upper wall of the vagina and can be irritated during intercourse. This irritation is commonly called "Honeymooner's Disease" because virgins on their honeymoon often experience it. The irritation occurs because the tighter a woman's vagina is, the tighter it grips the penis, resulting in more pressure on the urethra. The thrusting penis then irritates the urethral lining. After one or more sessions of intercourse during which this occurs the irritation can become pretty severe. The irritation may allow bacteria to infect the urethral lining resulting in an infection. A woman likely becomes aware of this when she urinates and it feels like flames are shooting out from her urethra. Not a very pleasant experience. The way to avoid this is to prepare the vagina for intercourse so it does not grasp the penis quite so tightly. If this is not possible, a woman should drink lots of liquids, especially cranberry juice, and urinate before and soon after intercourse. Not exactly romantic, but then neither is a bladder infection.
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Vulvar Vestibulitis: Another potential cause of pain is when the vulvar tissue surrounding the vaginal orifice becomes inflamed. The inflammation may be present prior to attempting intercourse, but does not make itself evident until you attempt to insert something into the vagina. It can also occur as a result of repeatedly attempting to insert a penis into the vagina when the hymen is thick and will not tear, or when the pelvic muscles are in spasm, vaginismus. The stress on the delicate tissues results in inflammation and severe pain. This is where the expectation that your first experiences with intercourse should be painful can be detrimental to a woman’s physical and sexual health. Since a woman may expect to feel pain, she may tolerate it, and cause damage to her body or worsen a pre-existing condition. It is far
better to slowly and gently prepare the vagina for intercourse than to use the brute force method. Pain is bad, period.
The way to see if vulvar vestibulitis is the cause of pain is to use your fingers to press in on the tissue surrounding your vaginal orifice. Use gentle pressure. If it is painful, you need to see your doctor. Then examine your vulva with a mirror to see if your hymen is still intact and try to determine if it is thick and resistant to stretching. If your hymen is still intact, you may want to consider having a doctor surgically remove it. To determine if it is vaginismus, learn to do Kegel exercises so you can determine if your pelvic muscles are relaxed when you attempt intercourse. If your pelvic muscles tighten prior to or during your attempts to have intercourse, you may have vaginismus. If you suspect you have vaginismus, bring this to the attention of your doctor, and a sex therapist; most doctors do not know how to address sexual issues. You can learn more about vulvar vestibulitis and vaginismus by following links listed on the Links page, under Vulvar Pain.
Both vulvar vestibulitis and vaginismus can be difficult to treat. If they are not correctly diagnosed or go untreated further physical damage may be done, and there can be major emotional damage, for both the man and woman. You may come to fear intercourse; which strains the relationship. The repeated experiences of pain can result in a woman developing vaginismus in addition to the vulvar vestibulitis. A man may find he cannot get or maintain an erection if he fears hurting his partner. You can read women's firsthand accounts in the Questions and Answers section of the website. These medical problems should not be taken lightly. A teen or woman with either of these medical conditions cannot have vaginal intercourse and she should not be expected to.
Did I Miss Something?
A woman's first experience(s) with intercourse are often a let down emotionally. Physical pleasure may be absent, and orgasm is most often absent. The actual experience may not live up to the hype. Afterwards she may not feel any different than she did before. On the other hand it is seldom a traumatic experience even if there is pain and bleeding since this is somewhat expected. It is only traumatic when she is forced or force is used, even if she consented prior to actual penetration. This amounts to rape. If a woman sees having intercourse as a sign of her affection or maturity she may be happy just having done it regardless of the physical aspects. A woman may enjoy it even in the absence of any physical pleasure. It seems there is just as much a chance a woman will find her first experience enjoyable as she is to find it a let down.
The reason young women often do not enjoy their first experience is because it happened too soon and they were hurried. They did it because they were pressured to or it was expected of them. She just was not physically and emotionally ready for intercourse. This readiness has nothing to do with age, other than experience "sometimes" comes with age. A twenty-year-old woman with no sexual experience is no more ready for intercourse than is a thirteen-year-old teenager. As mentioned above, a woman would normally engage in sex for at least ten years before having intercourse. Since this is seldom the case in our society women are often not ready even if they feel they are. The woman and couple who seek to make their first experience as enjoyable as possible should strive to develop their basic sexual skills fully before having intercourse.
Getting Prepared The environment in which a couple engages in intercourse for the first time can have a major impact on their level of enjoyment. The place and time they choose for this event should allow them to feel
comfortable, relaxed, and unhurried. The back seat of a car is not such a place. If you are worried that your parents are going to come home and yell at you at any moment, it is not the right time. The place and time a couple chooses should allow for at least a couple hours of uninterrupted privacy and room for both partners to lay down next to each other comfortably. This means a bed in bedroom, a comforter on a living room floor, or a bed in hotel room are good places. The time should be chosen such that you can just about guarantee that no one will interrupt your activities for a couple of hours. It is usually harder for younger teens to create this environment than it is for older couples that have their own apartment, dorm room, or money to get a hotel room. One advantage of waiting to become sexually active
Courtesy of Yoni-Massage.de
How Do We Do It?
How does a couple have intercourse for the first time? The desired place and time have been described above. The room should be adequately lit for the couple to see what they are doing but probably not so brightly lit that you can read a book. Candles may add a nice romantic touch. Do not have intercourse for the first time in the dark as it literally leaves you in the dark. If you are not comfortable being naked in front of your partner with the lights on, you are not ready for intercourse. Other than a single glass of wine or champagne, alcohol and drugs should have no part in this activity.
A good way to get ready for sex and intercourse is to take a shower or bath together. Wash each other from head to toe; the genitals should only be rinsed with plain water. Having done so, you will most likely feel more comfortable with the idea of manually and orally stimulating each other's genitals. After bathing you can stay nude or put on some sexy lingerie, even though you have just seen each other nude the appeal of dressing sexy does not change. During all of this there should be a lot of touching and kissing going on. Men generally need to make an effort to be gentle. Being too rough is probably the number one complaint women have in regards to men's sexual technique.
The next step may be to give each other a full body massage. Using very light strokes apply massage or baby oil to one another. This allows you to explore your partner's body and for them to get accustomed to your touch. The touching of breasts and genitals is okay but should be playful. Tease each other. You want to stimulate the skin versus massaging the muscles; your hands should glide over your partner's body not press into it. This is meant to relax you both.
The next step is to give each other an orgasm. Sex and orgasm releases hormones that help relax the body. It will make vaginal penetration easier if orgasm occurs first and it helps take the nervous edge off and quells some of the sexual energy. A couple
should be quite versed in ways of bringing each other to orgasm at this point in their relationship. The method used does not matter. A couple can even choose to watch each other masturbate to orgasm. Even couples that have not had sexual contact before can do this, as it is likely that they both know how to masturbate to orgasm. A woman who has been using her fingers, a dildo, or other object to prepare her vagina may want to introduce this into their sexual activities at this point. If a man ejaculates at least once prior to intercourse it will lessen the chances he will ejaculate quickly during intercourse, as he is likely very excited.
The Woman In Control At the start of intercourse a woman's partner is poised at the gate to her castle with a battering ram. Obviously, it is easier for them to enter if she opens the gate herself. Since a woman needs to make room within her body for her partner's penis, she should be in control of intercourse and in a dominant sexual position. The only person who is really going to know what is going on inside her body is the woman herself. Even if the couple has good communication skills, if there is a problem, she may not be able to communicate this to her partner quick enough to keep from ruining the moment. Her partner's penis cannot sense what she is feeling. Her partner may not know if they are pushing their penis too hard or in the wrong direction. Only she will know these things, at least initially. Of course, it is possible for a woman to put too much pressure on her partner's penis, and in the wrong direction if she is not careful.
It is for this reason that a woman should be on top of her partner during their first experiences with intercourse. She needs to have full control over how her partner's penis enters her. This position gives her the greatest freedom of movement and control. She lowers herself down onto her partner's penis at whatever rate is comfortable to her, while controlling the angle of penetration.
Another possible sexual position is for her to be on her hands and knees with her partner behind her. In this position, her partner should hold still while she presses back and receives in their penis. This second position is the position our bodies are designed to have intercourse in, but it probably is not as good as when the woman is on top. There is also the missionary position where a woman's partner lays on top of her. Many women enjoy this position as it is more intimate since they are lying so close together but orgasm is less likely for her.
Putting It All Together After both partners have had at least one orgasm they can precede to intercourse. At this point she can sit on her partner's thighs with their penis before her. She should then start to masturbate or her partner can start to caress her vulva and clitoris. A vibrator can be used if that is what the couple has found works best. Now is the time to put a condom on if you have not already done so. Her partner can stroke their penis or she can do so. They should make and maintain eye contact. When she feels herself nearing orgasm she should raise her body up and with her partner's help guide their penis into her vagina. She should then slowly lower herself down onto her partner's penis. The caressing of her vulva and clitoris should not be stopped unless it absolutely necessary, and then only momentarily. At this point she can choose to sit still or move about on her partner's penis. There is no need to thrust; rocking your hips is more than sufficient at this point. Her vulva and clitoris should be stimulated until she experiences orgasm. If her partner has not experienced orgasm at this point she can slowly move up and down on their penis until they do, unless she is uncomfortable. If they are not able to continue intercourse until her partner experiences orgasm they can switch to oral or manual stimulation. A man should not feel he has to ejaculate inside her for this to be a "successful" experience. Prior to having actual intercourse a couple can practice this technique without actually engaging in penetration. Practice makes perfect.
The above technique is recommended only because it creates the greatest potential for a woman to experience orgasm from a "technical" point of view. This is because she is on top and in control, and she has the ability and option of stimulating her own clitoris to orgasm. It is not necessarily always the correct or best way for all women. If a woman is uncomfortable with the idea of this technique she is less likely to enjoy her first experience and is therefore less likely to experience pleasure and orgasm. A woman may have no desire for orgasm and only wants to feel close to her partner and chooses the missionary position instead. She may not want to be distracted from the sensations caused by the penis moving within her, so she does not want other types of stimulation to be occurring at the same time. The more experienced a woman is sexually when she has intercourse for the first time, the greater the likelihood she will know her desires and the means of achieving them. There is no one truly correct way to have intercourse for the first time.
Sex Yes, Intercourse Maybe I do not wish the reader to feel I have anything against vaginal intercourse or penetration. I just do not feel it is appropriate for society to place so much emphasis on this one aspect of human sexuality. Sex is more than just intercourse. It is not appropriate to define heterosexuality as penile-vaginal intercourse. A couple that foregoes intercourse should not feel strange or question their sexual orientation. Couples who acknowledge they should not have children should not have to play Russian roulette with birth control. I just wish to introduce or acknowledge the possibility of the existence of a thirty-year-old woman who has been married for ten years, sexually active with a partner for fifteen years, orgasmic for twenty-five years through masturbation, who has never engaged in vaginal-penile intercourse. This does not mean she has never explored vaginal stimulation or penetration or forgone all forms of intercourse; she may enjoy anal intercourse immensely. This
concept of female sexuality may seem pretty weird given our current social mores, but there is nothing unnatural about it.
Lesbians and Vaginal Sex While I see heterosexual society's emphasis on intercourse as inappropriate, I also believe the lesbian community's frequent condemnation of vaginal penetration is inappropriate as well. The definition of lesbianism and lesbian sexuality has often been based solely on the concept that lesbians are women who do not have penile-vaginal intercourse. This is more a political statement than statement of fact. Lesbians are women who are sexually attracted to other women versus men and whom find emotional fulfillment in a relationship with another woman. What that female couple does as a couple should not have any bearing on their lesbian identity. I do not believe it is emotional, physically, or medically healthy for any woman to ignore or deny the existence of her vagina, or deny the possible sexual pleasures it can provide her. I certainly do not believe any society or social group has a right to deny her that.
No Penis Required The above discussion of virginity and a woman's first experience with intercourse applies to all women regardless of their sexual orientation. The gender of the woman's partner has been left undefined whenever possible, and while the reader may assume the penis is flesh and blood, it may just as well be made of silicone, stone, wood, glass, or plastic, or be a woman's hand.
What About Men?
The above discussion has pretty much ignored male sexuality and the male experience. The male experience probably is not much different than that of a woman's. The social pressures described are the same. Just as a woman may be expected to have intercourse to prove her womanhood and her desirability as a woman, a man may be expected to do so to prove his manhood and sexual virility. About the only difference men may experience comes from having a penis; being the penetrator versus the penetrated.
Just as women often find themselves unprepared for intercourse and sometimes physically unable to engage in this activity, so do men. Contrary to popular believe men are not walking erections. While we do not talk about it or acknowledge it socially, there is no guarantee that a man's penis will become erect when he or his partners desire it to be. The pressures that accompany a man's first experience, which many times occurs in the absence of any emotional involvement, can prevent erections from occurring. This is a statement of fact and occurs much more often than we would like to think. This has no bearing on a man's sexual partner. I remember from my high school days a hushed discussion concerning a boy who was not able to get an erection when he had the opportunity to have intercourse with one of the most desired virgins in school. If anything, the pressure of being in this situation is what made getting an erection impossible. It is the same social pressure on a man that compels him to have intercourse that can prevent him from getting an erection or ejaculating during intercourse. The supposed benefits of being male do not always hold true in reality.
Positions for Intercourse New Study: Glamour Magazine, October 2000
Based on 1,500 women's responses to an online poll at Glamour.com In response to the question, "What positions do you prefer?" the women responded: Missionary 30% You (woman) on top 28% Doggie-Style 21% On your sides 16% Other 5% This indicates that while an individual woman may have a preferred sexual position during intercourse, women as a whole do not. A woman is just as likely to enjoy being on top or having her partner enter her from behind as she is to have her partner lay on or over her. While the missionary position is assumed to be the most commonly used position, which it may very well be, women do not in general find this position more pleasurable than other commonly used positions. As a result, couples should not employ the missionary position just because they are led to believe that is what others do or prefer. It seems possible that if couples do not presume the missionary position is best, or more appropriate, that other positions may some day be at the top of the list. This is because social expectations do influence what women enjoy sexually.
From the Book: The Complete Book of Love and Sex Authors: Dr. Philip Cauthery and Drs. Andrew and Penny Stanway Copyright: Dr. Philip Cauthery and Drs. Andrew and Penny Stanway 1983 ISBN: 0 7126 04588
