THE SECRET Here is the secret. The secret that I told all those girls to do with the men in their lives to get them. The secret is to tell your man that you love him exactly how he is and that you have no plans to change him. Work with him YES. Compromise with him, YES. Communicate with him, YES. BUT never aim to change who he is and that you will try your hardest every day to truly understand and respect the man that he is. The reason why saying this a man is so powerful is because the biggest fear men have is that a woman is going to change them. They see it in movies. They hear it from other men. It’s ingrained into them that when they settle down they will be required to change who they are to make a woman happy. AND a man always aims to make his woman happy. To hear the words “I love you just as you are and I don’t want to change you” is the most blissful sentence a man can hear. What I’m going to teach you in my program is how to deliver this message and really mean it. That’s the hardest part. Meaning what you say. I’m going to teach you how to deliver this simple message that men go gaga for with true authenticity. I guarantee that if you deliver this message and stick to it, any man will be putty in your hands. Welcome to That’s Not How Men Work!
Table Of Contents PREFACE.............................................................................................................. 8 That’s Not How Men Work............................................................................... 11 Chapter One: Turn Yourself On in Order to Turn Him On..................................16 What You’ll Discover in This Chapter............................................................ 21 Exercise One: The Brain Dump...................................................................... 22 Exercise Two: The Six Tasks Questionnaire and Workbook......................... 25 Task 1: Who are YOU and What Do You Want? ........................................... 27 Task 2: Defining Your Self Worth................................................................... 46 Task 3: Establishing and Defining Boundaries/Expectations....................... 49 Task 4: Get Your Passion Back........................................................................ 52 Task 5: Clearing Your Past.............................................................................. 53 Task 6: Getting Your Sexy Back...................................................................... 55
Final Thoughts and Instruction............................................................................. 56
Turn Yourself On to Turn Him On.................................................................. 57 Exercise Three and Four: The ‘Awesome You’, ‘Awesome Him’ Lists.......... 58 Asking the Right Questions ................................................................................... 61 It’s All About Values! ................................................................................................. 62
Exercise Five: Discovering Your Values and Owning Them.......................... 65 Discover Your Values.................................................................................................. 66 Owning Your Values................................................................................................... 76 How To Identify Values.............................................................................................. 76 What Are Personal Values? ..................................................................................... 77 The Importance of Clearly Defining Your Core Values.................................. 77
Section Recap.................................................................................................... 81 Chapter Two: The Evolution of Attraction ........................................................ 82
Learning Something About Men From a Classic Cartoon About Women…......................................................................................................... 84 From Brain Surgery to the Bedroom.................................................................... 86 An Iron is Only an Iron (So Stop Expecting It to Be a Vacuum, Too!) ....... 92 Men are men, and no one is better at being men than they are.............. 96
The Caveman Effect..................................................................................... 102 His ‘Attraction Triggers’...........................................................................................103
You Got my Text, But What About the Subtext of my Text?......................115 Get Some Guts (and Enjoy the Glory) ..............................................................116 Back to the Subtext of Your Text….....................................................................118
Section Recap.................................................................................................. 123 Chapter Three: Nailing the Approach ............................................................. 124 The ‘Nervous Guy’ Syndrome is More Common Than You Think…........129 Are You a Date Shredder? .....................................................................................133
First Date Flops + Disastrous Ultimatums .................................................. 139 Getting Him to Look Your Way and Notice Your (Inner and Outer) Beauty.......................................................................................142
Making Yourself Open for the Approach.................................................... 144 Setting Intentions.....................................................................................................147 ‘Man Up!’ Girl: Approach Five Men per Day.....................................................149
Conversational Starting Points.................................................................... 151 Forget Topics to Talk About/Think About Energy Instead.........................151 Be Feminine But Don’t Dominate The Conversation...................................156 Announcing The Elephant....................................................................................157
How to Achieve the ‘Easy Approach’.......................................................... 159 The Smirk.....................................................................................................................159 Re-Framing ................................................................................................................161 Here’s How To Do It:.................................................................................................162
The Groove Method.................................................................................................163 What Animal Are You? ...........................................................................................166
Section Recap.................................................................................................. 168 Chapter Four: Putting Practice into Perfection! ............................................. 169 Make This Move, Not That Mistake (For Singles, Only).............................172 Scenario #1: The Guy Standing in Line at Starbucks Behind You (Who is Desperately Trying to Get Your Attention!).....................................172 Scenario #2: Meeting Him in Person For the First Time (and He Doesn’t Look Like His Picture).............................................................174 Lainie’s Story...............................................................................................................175 Lainie’s Online Dating Experience .....................................................................176
Make This Move, Not That Mistake (For Those in a Relationship)............178 He Wants More Sex, You Want More Affection.........................................178
PREFACE Before we dive into the nitty gritty of how men work, I wanted to finish telling you the story I started telling you. The one about Jen and the other women who had incredible success with men once I told them this 1 secret. The thing that I told Jen and ALL those other women was the simplest little thing that they had forgotten and kept forgetting in every interaction they’ve ever had with men. The Secret was…. That’s Not How Men Work!!!! Men DO NOT work the same way as women. They don’t think like us, they don’t want what we want and they certainly don’t feel the same way that we do. What I told all these women and continue to tell women when they come to me with a “man issue” is “X, that’s not how men work” and then I explain to them how men DO work in each situation. Men are not women and thank goodness for that. Ha.
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The thing is that as we get closer to a man and form a connection with him, we start to believe they are going to act the same way that we do. And when this doesn’t happen, we begin to get confused, then frustrated then mad or even sad. The things that drive us are NOT what drives men. And every time we forget this, it hurts us. Once you can understand that men ARE different and HOW they are different, things with men will become soooooo much easier! The thing that Jen did not understand is that as she got deeper and deeper into her relationship with her man she completely forgot about how her man works and instead just focused on her goals and wants and needs. This lead to major frustration for her and her man and drove them further and further apart. But once she took a minute to acknowledge her man and show him that she got him and understood HIM, things immediately changed. He felt appreciated, heard and once again a partner in the relationship. The program I wrote is meant to remind you that any time you interact with men, you have to understand and remember that they are going to work entirely differently than you.
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The more you expect them to work the same, the more disappointed you’ll be with yourself and the men in your life And the worst thing in the world for a man in your life to feel is that he is disappointing you. So remember, from here on out that men are not women. They are men and you it’s up to you to love them for that! Enjoy the program!!
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That’s Not How Men Work Are men complicated or do we complicate our relationships with them? If you’re like most women out there, then you’ve experienced the all-toocommon reality of scratching your head (or perhaps pounding it against a wall) due to a misunderstanding, argument or frustration with the guy in your life. But after working for the past decade with hundreds of thousands of men from all over the world, I have to spill my secrets—the answers to your biggest questions about men! One of the most life changing things I’ve learned from coaching men these last ten years is that while they don’t always know what women want, they want to know, and some of them are even dying to know! They want to know how to approach you. They want to know how to make you smile, laugh and be the very guy that you can’t stop thinking and fantasizing about! And, whether you believe it or not, they’re not always thinking about sex—sure, that’s part of it—but what they’re really thinking about when they see you from across the room, or after being introduced to you by a co-worker, is: “How do I impress her? How do I show her who I really am without falling flat on my face?” I’m a Wing Girl (and if you’re a fan of The Kardashian Show, then you may have heard Kim spout off the phrase I created!) which means for the past decade I’ve been teaching men around the world (hundreds of thousands of them) how to
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understand women who otherwise wouldn’t be able to meet her. Aside from my top rated blog, www.winggirlmethod.com you can find me cohosting the 100,000 viewed per episode Ask Women podcast on PodcastOne. com. I’m also a regular contributor to The Huffington Post, Askmen.com and Sex.com, along with Glamour, Penthouse, CNN, Marie Claire, Fox News and other radio and talk shows around the country. Think of my work like this: I’m a man’s personal insider, teaching all of the great, amazing, charming and incredible guys—the ones that are actually worthy of you—all about what you really want, and how you work. I’m the one that instructs them to forget about all that ‘bad advice’ their best friend has given them about women, and throw away what he thinks he knows about us. We don’t want a guy that’s trying to be someone he’s not. We don’t want arrogance. We don’t want a guy who is going to call all the shots, or sit back while we’re forced to call all the shots in a relationship. What we do want is a man who can make us feel like the most beautiful woman in the room, take care of our needs and add to our life by being the amazing guy he is. For every guy who has come to me clueless about women, he’s walked away from my coaching program self-assured and confident in his ability to know what women want and how to find the right woman for him.
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Over the past decade of working so closely with men, I’ve been forced to learn all about how men work, how they don’t work and what makes them do what you want them to do. I’ve learned about their insecurities, their wants and their desires (which are not all sexual). And what I want you to know is that deep down, they have the same frustration and insecurities that you do. They want the same things you do, and just like I have helped them get what they are looking for, this book can help you achieve the same thing—a partner who will be the very thing you’re looking for! Trust me—once you know how men work, you can work with them and be the happiest you’ve ever been. Through my experience of coaching men about women I began to realize how much amazing and insightful information I was gaining that was helping me in my own dating life. I’m happily married and I know that’s it’s because of the information I have gained from my male clients along the way. I’ve wanted to write this book for a long time, ever since I told my friend, “That’s Not How Men Work!” So many women spend their love lives in constant torment and utter confusion by men and how they work because they think men work the same way they do. They don’t. They work totally differently than us, and when you learn how to approach men in a whole new light (for who they are and how they are hardwired) your love life will transform, and you’ll become instantly empowered!
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My book, That’s Not How Men Work, will teach you how to become crystal clear on what you want, what you’re looking for in a man, and how to get it. Because, I believe that when you know yourself and you know how men really, truly work, the possibilities for an exciting and passionate love life are endless! This book isn’t your typical relationship book. It’s not about what you’re doing wrong. It’s not about discovering the signs that he ‘may be cheating on you’. It’s not meant to lift you up and candy coat how you’re coming across to men. It’s meant to give you the truth about men and how they work. And it’s definitely meant to help you understand that how you think they work, isn’t how men work. This book is all about men, and by the time you finish reading it, you won’t just know what makes them feel instantly attracted to you, and what motivates them to commit, but you’ll understand it. The light will come on. You’ll get it. You’ll understand what ‘attraction triggers’ men have, where it comes from and why, so that if you’re single and ready to mingle with Mr. Right, you can instantly up your success rate at attracting men around every corner! Think of me as your personal wing girl. I’m Marni, owner of the Wing Girl Method and I’m your insider to the male mind. Sit back, have fun and learn that the true art to having an exciting, satisfying relationship with men is to understand right here and right now the way we work and we think as women isn’t how men work.
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I’m here to show you that when you apply the information, tips and real life scenarios that’s in every chapter, you’ll see for yourself that amazing guys are truly everywhere. The hard part will be choosing who your ‘Mr. Right’ will be!
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Chapter One: Turn Yourself On in Order to Turn Him On Dear Marni, My boyfriend and I recently broke up after a seven year (to the day) relationship. The truth be told, and as embarrassing as it continues to be to deal with, my boyfriend broke up with me. I thought we were headed for the altar, and he thought that I stopped taking care of myself. When he broke up with me, everything in my life broke apart. Now I find myself not really knowing what move to make, and I don’t quite know what I should do with all my free time. Should I take a trip, and just kind of physically ‘get away’ from everything at home, or just stay put and mentally deal with the aftermath of my post-breakup? In retrospect, I know our relationship wasn’t perfect, and I know it takes ‘two to tango’. I know that I used to be fiercely independent and free spirited, and somewhere along the way in our relationship I lost that drive and ambition I had when I was single. How do I get it back, move on and where do I go from here? ~Chelsea Dear Chelsea,
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For most women (as I’m sure it has been for you), it’s easy to get ‘lost’ in your relationship, especially when you are so enamored with the person you’re with. You can get so consumed by the powerful effects of love—after all, love makes us all do stupid things at one point or another!—that it takes a conscious effort through past experiences and by staying in the moment to remain grounded and intact, so here’s my advice to you. Learn from this experience, and take this time for yourself. When you become saddened about not being with your ex-boyfriend, know this: the more confident and comfortable you are in your own skin, the more of an amazing, kind, and incredible guy you can attract. Stop thinking about what makes your ex happy and instead think about what makes you happy. If you want to dance your heart out, head out to your favorite dance club with your girlfriends. Try a new cardio class. Volunteer. Take your career to a whole new level, or a whole new direction. Discover what qualities you’re really looking for in a man, and just as importantly, what you love about yourself. Before long, and when you really love the skin you’re in, you’ll meet a guy who loves you, too! Your insider, Marni My passion is to help you realize that you can have everything you have ever wanted...all you gotta do is start asking for it. So, take a moment to stop and think about your life. What are you asking for, and what aren’t you?
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About 10 years ago, I was not the kind of girl who knew how to ask for what I wanted. In fact, I was quite the opposite. I was a people pleaser. I never spoke my mind out of fear of rocking the boat and making people not like me. I put others on pedestals. And perhaps worst of all, I let the love of a man consume me and I control my life out of fearing I would lose him. Have you done the same? Does this sound familiar? This book is all about how men work, but just as importantly, it’s important to understand how you work so that you can dodge the disasters—those guys who aren’t on your playing field and don’t meet your expectations, and meet an amazing guy—a guy that’s out there and ready to meet the amazing you! First, though, before you can meet him, you have to do a little work on yourself. This chapter is loaded with exercises to get you falling in love with yourself in order to fall in love with the right guy. You’ll also find ‘guy confessionals’ throughout, real statements, problems and true dating scenarios from men I have personally coached who tell you like it is, and what’s so hard on their end (and how you can up your approach so they can get to know you, talk to you, ask you out, and take your relationship to the next level!) So let’s get to it!
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Chapter One: Turn Yourself On in Order to Turn Him On
Breaking the Bad Date Cycle Before I got married, I dated a LOT of men. Men that were wrong for me, as in not the RIGHT men by any measure. Why did I continue to date men that were emotionally unavailable, and whose words didn’t line up with their actions? Why did I continue to date different guys, who all ended up being more of the same? It wasn’t until my last relationship (prior to meeting the man of my dreams) that I realized where I was going wrong. It hit me—I was dating the WRONG men because I was not yet the RIGHT woman. I had no clue who I was, what I wanted or what my boundaries were. I didn’t know my values or what I was really looking for in a partner. Instead I was looking to these men to tell me or at least show me the way. In my last relationship before meeting The ONE, I bent over backwards to make this man love me, and so much so that at a certain point I stopped loving myself. In retrospect I now know the truth—it wasn’t his fault that I was doing this or feeling this, it was mine. It was my fault that I did not know myself better, have boundaries in place and respect myself for the awesome woman I was. Instead, I put each and every boyfriend (and especially my recent ex) on a pedestal. I bent over backwards to get his attention (with no one to blame but myself ). Had I believed more in my own self-worth and had a clearer picture of what I was looking for in a partner, I would have never gotten into such a mess with my ex and wasted so much time in relationship agony.
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After our breakup, I went a little crazy for about six months, trying to get him back. But after all that craziness settled, I realized that I had to start respecting myself more and learn to be the strong woman I’ve always known I could be if I wanted to get what I wanted with men and in life. When I began to get clearer about who I was and what I wanted, my love life completely changed (and became everything I wanted it to be). That’s exactly what I want for you too, and once your try the exercises as outlined in this chapter, you’ll discover just what I did—when you know what you want, who you are and the type of guy you really want to have in your life, you’ll get it. You’ll get everything you’ve ever wanted, and then some!
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Chapter One: Turn Yourself On in Order to Turn Him On
What You’ll Discover in This Chapter Before I could get clear on what I wanted out of a relationship, I had to get clear on my own beliefs and frustrations that were possibly holding me back. During the time that I went “crazy” over my ex, I went on a trip to Bali and met this amazing doctor who practiced Ayervedic medicine. I decided to go see her because I was having panic attacks and stomach issues, and heard she was the best. However, that didn’t prepare me for what she prescribed for me. I was expecting herbs, or perhaps a few gross teas that I would have to digest. At the very worst, maybe I’d have to eat some bugs or swallow a New-agey potion, but instead she gave me a daily morning exercise that she swore would change everything. No, it wasn’t a butt lifting workout that would transform my body. The exercise she swore by was a workout for my mind, and so I’d be able to think of myself differently and open myself up to the man I was really supposed to be with. The exercise the doctor gave me was called the Brain Dump, and trust me, when you try it, you’ll understand why. It’s freeing, and empowering and it makes you feel better than you have in a long time. When I tried it, immediately I noticed things, people, and even circumstances begin to shift in my life, as I know they will for you, too.
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Start each morning for the next week with this exercise, and you will see a change in how you feel about yourself, about the people around you, and about relationships altogether!
Exercise One: The Brain Dump The brain dump is meant to release all of the ideas in your head that are floating around, trapped and expanding at a very fast rate. I believe that those seemingly ‘random’, negative thoughts that pop up can be your biggest enemy in life—especially in relationships with men. Any idea that is stuck in your head that you don’t explore and eliminate is simply a floating thought that will continue to grow until you are in a negative tailspin. If you can get your floating ideas out of your head by using your words or by getting them out on paper, they become real and then you actually deal with them. When they remain in your head, they can negatively affect how you think about yourself, the actions you make, and even the type of men you choose to date! But put those thoughts on paper, and you can rationalize your thoughts and address them right then, and right there. A few years ago I started to get panic attacks (which was strange, because at the time I didn’t even realize I was panicked). As it turns out, I was living in a state of anxiety and it was affecting everything in my life.
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Chapter One: Turn Yourself On in Order to Turn Him On
I did the exercise religiously that the doctor recommended and it was the best thing that I ever did for myself. It allowed all the chaotic thoughts in my head to slow down enough for me to face and deal with head on. It was scary, but powerful. So, now it’s your turn! Every morning, give yourself ten to fifteen minutes before you start your day to devote to this exercise. Grab a pad of paper, journal etc.... it’s up to you what you write in. Then literally dump everything that is in your brain out on the paper. If you’re not sure what to write or how to start, start by writing something like, “I never get what I want with men”. Or “I don’t think the men I want will want me back.” This will open the gates. This information is just for you, so let it rip! Write down everything you think and feel (even if you know it may sound crazy). Once you are done, close the book and begin the day. The next day morning, go back and read what you wrote the day before. Do you believe it? Is it logical? Does it bring up more emotions? If so, what emotions and feelings does it bring up? Write them all down, and continue making this a daily process.
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Brain dumping is meant to free your mind and assist you by teaching you how to coach yourself. Once you see those thoughts on paper, you can logically speak to yourself. It’s also a great way to express yourself and free your mind of all of these horrible thoughts so that you can room for better ones! Ultimately, what the brain dump exercise does is give you the fresh start you need so that you can find an awesome man and really have the patience to understand and love him. Now onto your next exercise!
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Exercise Two: The Six Tasks Questionnaire and Workbook Before you can start turning on men you must learn how to turn on yourself. So, you need to boost your confidence and find out why you would be attractive to others. Now I know this may seem like a daunting task at the moment but you and I are going to do this together so there’s no risk and no fear of rejection! Each task will bring you one step closer to success, not only with men, but in your whole life. Each task will provide you with the facts you need to understand you can get every man you want—while becoming the strong, self-assured and awesome woman you’ve always been. Just so you know, I have done each of the exercises and tasks in this book. It’s what is responsible for taking me from the emotionally, needy woman with men I used to be, to the confident, self-aware, dependent woman I am today. So even though some of these may seem silly or cause discomfort, the results they provide are priceless. Again, please take your time completing these tasks. There is no point in rushing through them. It’s time to get to know yourself and discover what “turns you on in order to
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turn him on”! Task 1: Who Are YOU & What Do YOU Want? Task 2: Defining Your Self Worth Task 3: Establishing and Defining Boundaries/Expectations Task 4: Get Your Passion Back Task 5: Clearing Your Past Task 6: Getting Your Sexy Back
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Task 1: Who are YOU and What Do You Want? Task Outline This task will help you to list what your current goals with men are—the more you know what you want, the easier of a time you’ll get what you want! Rules Answer all questions below openly and honestly. No one is judging you on your responses. These questions will help you further develop and understand what it is you are trying to achieve with men. Do not list qualities, but characteristics. So, for example don’t write out that you want “a tall guy with a ripped body”, but instead something like, “a funny guy with a great heart”. This task is to help you find out your overall goal with men—not obsess over the physical details. Why? Before you can start something about your dating life (aka: meet that amazing guy you’ve been waiting for!) you need to know what it is you are actually trying to do. Once your intentions are clear you can set your goals. I will assist you by informing you that your UMBRELLA GOAL should be to be the best version of yourself because that is what men find attractive.
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Now it’s up to you to dig down to find the specifics of goals you want with men. The following questions will assist in establishing your goals.
TYPE OF PERSON YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO (Describe the type of person you want to meet. Close your eyes and think about how he makes you feel—not how tall, gorgeous or how well dressed he is—and when you have a clear picture, begin writing. I do not want you to skip any details because this is your description of an ideal partner, which is crucial in making him come to life, in your life!)
TYPE OF PERSON YOU ARE
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DESCRIBE THE TYPE OF PERSON YOU ATTRACT Who do you seem to attract into your life? Good men? Bad men? Do you tend to always surround yourself with men who take advantage of you? Men who have issues/baggage? Do you notice a pattern? Is there a pattern, or is dating random guys (all of which have nothing in common with each other) the pattern?
TYPE OF PERSON OTHERS THINK YOU ARE Ask five people of the opposite sex what type of image you project (friends, co-workers, your neighbor, etc). Be sure to take detailed notes so you can get a complete picture of the image you project so you can compare it to what you think you project.
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HOW YOU GO ABOUT MEETING OTHERS Make a list of all the ways and/or places you try to meet the opposite sex over the course of a one-month period. Using a scale of 1- 5 (1= poor, 5 = excellent), rate each way/place.
YOUR DAILY ROUTINE Write in detail about your daily routine. In this routine do you see people you want to talk to? Write down a description of one of these people you want to meet. This will allow you to train your mind to let such a person come into your life.
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YOUR EXCUSES Write down all the excuses (or reasons) you use that prevents you from approaching the people you are interested in meeting. This will help you learn to be conscious of the patterns you have, and a jumping off place to change them!
YOUR DATING HABITS How many dates do you go on in a one-month period? How many of these are blind dates?
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How do you feel about that number?
How many dates do you want to go on in a one-month period?
Do you the use the Internet to date?
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What % of the date time, do you talk about yourself vs. listening to the other person?
How many of the dates (or what %) do you exchange phone numbers? When do you typically ask for the phone number?
How quickly do you call after getting the phone number? How quickly do you call back?
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After the first date, how long do you wait to ask for a second date?
What is the “perfect” (ideal) first date? Where would you like to go or be taken?
How often do you have “casual” sex?
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Chapter One: Turn Yourself On in Order to Turn Him On
How many dates do you go on before you have sex with that person?
What is the most bizarre place you have met someone that you dated? How many dates did you go on with this person?
Where would you like to meet more people?
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Do you feel more comfortable meeting someone for the first time in a group setting or by yourself?
YOUR IMAGE Do you consider yourself successful? What is your definition of “success?”
Do you consider yourself happy or fulfilled? If not, what is missing?
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Do you like your wardrobe? What do you like/dislike about it?
Do you feel good about your body? Why or why not?
Do you like your hair? Why or why not?
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Do you like your height? Why or why not?
Do you have good friends? Who is your best friend? Why is that person your best friend?
Who do you got for relationship advice? How helpful have you found the advice to be?
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If you could change one thing about you, what would it be?
Where do you like to be seen? Why?
Do you consider yourself approachable? Why or why not?
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Do you consider yourself a generous person? Why or why not?
Do you think you are a good listener? Why or why not?
How quickly do you judge others?
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How well do you take criticism?
Do you consider yourself romantic? Give an example of when you were romantic?
Do you think you are a good lover? Why or why not?
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Do you continue to search even if you are dating someone you like?
How long has it been since your last relationship? Have you ever been married or lived with a partner?
YOU AND MEN Finish the following sentences: Men Are…
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I Want A Man Who….
What Do You Want From A Man?
What Are You Comfortable Giving To A Man?
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What Type Of Men Do You Want To Meet? (No answers about appearance allowed)
What Type Of Men Do You NOT Want To Meet? (No answers about appearance allowed, so focus on personality traits, characteristics, lifestyle habits or hobbies; attitudes or opinions)
What kind of relationship do you want?
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Chapter One: Turn Yourself On in Order to Turn Him On
Where Do You Currently Meet Men?
What Are You Doing To Meet Men?
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Task 2: Defining Your Self Worth Task Outline List and describe five to ten great things about you (the more, the better!) Rules You can list anything and everything great about you. For a lot of people this is a difficult task because they feel like they are bragging or that they egotistical. This is for you, not for anyone else. So start bragging! Why? This is meant to show you why you are special and why others would want to be with you. I had this one client who I asked this question to and she responded “I am going to need to get back to you in five days. I really can’t think of a single reason why anyone would think I was that great.” First this broke my heart. Second it made me frustrated. Most of the great women in the world don’t know they are great. And if they don’t think they are, how can anyone else think they are? Those who brag about how great they are, in my opinion are insecure. On the
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flip side those who doubt themselves on a constant basis and don’t believe great things about are also insecure. But those who are self-assured and understand they are great and worthy of great things are attractive. Be attractive not a bragger or insecure—it’s being confident in who you are and what you have to give. The client also said to me that she believed confidence was only gained through being attractive, and being fit and thin. NO!!!!! Never believe those things because at the end of the day they are not what men find attractive. So she and I worked together to create a list of amazing qualities that previously, hadn’t even crossed her mind. Here is how our conversation went: Marni: The first thing we know about you is that you are proactive. You contacted me because you realized you wanted to make a change. That means you are ten times braver than the majority of women in the world. X: That is very true. Wow I didn’t realize that! Marni: What do you do for a living? X: I am an editor and work for a large publishing company. Marni: So you are super intelligent, have a skill others do not have and have a large
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international company validating your intelligence by hiring you and trusting you to edit products that reflect them. Are you living in the same city you were born? X: No. I moved when I was in my 20’s because I realized there were little opportunities for me back home. Marni: So you are a risk taker who understands that she may need to adjust in order to survive and you are willing to take chances that could possibly fail. We went on and on, and through conversations with this client, she came to her own realizations—she discovered that she was smart, passion about her life and with love to give another. This is the importance of knowing what you have, so that you can begin to recognize love when it smacks into you on the street! I want you to really evaluate yourself and give yourself the pat on the back that you deserve. If you find yourself getting uncomfortable with this exercise, walk away and come back to it when you are in a better space. This one may take time. Once you have completed your list of five to ten things I want you to type them out or write them down or record them on audio. Then listen or read over this list every night and every morning for the next ten days. On the tenth day I want you to read this list to someone else that you are close to and ask them what they think and if they have anything to add.
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Task 3: Establishing and Defining Boundaries/ Expectations Task Outline Make a list of your expectations and boundaries you want to have with men. Rules This exercise is meant to help you outline what you are willing and not willing to accept from a man. I am not asking for things like “I expect a man to treat me to four course dinners at high class restaurants every night of the week”, or “I want a proposal within two months”. I am asking you to make a list of what behaviors, attitudes and actions you are willing to accept and not accept (opinions, lifestyle choices, core values). Why? It is very important to understand your own boundaries. If you do not have boundaries you will continue to get walked all over by men. This is where the rumor about Nice Girls getting passed over for the gorgeous (but bitchy girl) got started. A whole bunch of nice girls with no boundaries got walked all over by a man and decided that being nice was a bad thing.
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The truth is that the men didn’t like the fact that they were pushovers, wimps and would do anything she asked. They had no boundaries and expectations of behaviors they felt they deserved. One important note is that once you establish boundaries they can always be adjusted through discussion and compromise. You do not need to be stubborn and controlling, but you need to be a strong woman and hold onto what you believe. I will get you started in case you are having trouble. For example, below you’ll find a list of examples for boundaries I WILL keep with men: • I will not allow a man I am attracted to, to call me and whine about his girlfriend or ex-girlfriend! • I do not want to be with a man who treats others badly. • I will not stay in a friendship with a man that I am attracted to. • I expect a man to be on time for a date, and to hold himself accountable for all actions. • I will not accept a man flaking on me. I will not be a doormat for his rude, cocky or unfair behavior. I will not let HIM waste my time. You see where I am going with these. I don’t want you to be too rigid and I understand that circumstance will come in to play quite often. But I want you
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to understand that you are allowed to have a backbone and you are allowed to tell a man his behavior has disappointed you. If he is not able to respect your needs, then cut him loose (and don’t you dare wonder, “What if…”) Having boundaries is one of the sexiest qualities a woman can possess!
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Task 4: Get Your Passion Back Task Outline List two things you are passionate about and discuss the reason why you are passionate about them. After you write this information down read it out loud. If possible record it then play it back to yourself. Listen to the tone you use when you describe your passion and try to replicate this tone when you are in conversation with the next 10 people you talk to especially women. Rules You do not have to talk this passionately the entire time. Why? When you speak about your passions you project a tone and energy that all men are attracted to. It is an energy that people want to be around. It will get you excited and will get others excited as well.
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Task 5: Clearing Your Past Task Outline Write a list of where you went wrong in the past with men. For example, did you lose your sense of identity in the relationship, or become bossy or controlling? Then write a list of what you will do differently in the future. Rules There are no rules to this section because I want you to go hog wild crazy and get all of the SH&T that may be bogging you down, out of your system. So let it all out. Write out your frustrations, anger, and proactive steps you can think of so that those past relationship mistakes and upsets won’t continue, or happen again. Why? If you can’t forget the past, how are you ever going to move forward? You don’t have to write about past relationships. This can simply be a space for you write down things you feel angry, sad or frustrated by. For example: I’m a serial friend with guys I want to date and I don’t state my intentions
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with them out of fear I’ll lose them, or our relationship will become ‘awkward’. Deep down, I’m afraid that they won’t feel the same way, so I tend to just stay complacent about being in the ‘friend zone’. Or, I forgot to put effort into my marriage and did not appreciate all my husband did for me. I didn’t realize this until it was too late. Where I Made Mistakes With Men:
What I Will Do Differently In The Future:
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Task 6: Getting Your Sexy Back Task Outline Stand in front of the mirror and tell yourself that you are sexy. Say it 10 times every morning and evening before for 10 days. Once the 10 days are up I would like you to go into the streets of whatever city you are in and ask men if they think you are sexy. If yes, say thank you and ask them what it is about you that they think is sexy. If no, then ask them why not. Listen to their answers. Rules Try saying I am sexy in various ways. When going out to the streets start off by asking women you are not attracted to then graduate to women you do find attractive. Why? Why not? Just kidding. As I said the goal of your personal profile for success with men is to learn how turn yourself on. If you don’t think you are sexy how will anyone else? I wanted to share an email I received from one of my past clients that I worked
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with a few months back. She was beautiful, inside and out—but had a hard time believing she it. She also did not believe she was sexy and therefore did not understand why men would ever want her: Hi Marni, Three months ago I started going out with a guy who I had met two years ago. We are now officially in a relationship and are very happy! I wanted to remind you of the one of your emails you had sent me when we were working together. You asked me “Do you feel sexy?” I thought about it for a while and then I came up with an answer, which was YES. I didn’t realize until that moment that in fact I was and could be sexy. Not just to men but to myself. Since then I always get attention from guys. I am not super good looking but not unattractive either. I am so thankful to you for your support! X It is so important for you to understand that you are sexy—because you are, and once you know it, others will too. Remember: If You Can’t Turn Yourself On, You Can’t Turn Anyone Else On! Final Thoughts and Instruction Take your time with the exercises. No need to rush. The information you put into your personal profile is for the rest of your life so make sure your answers are well thought out and meaningful.
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As with any change you make in your life, it takes three months for it to become a habit, and one year to make it a permanent change. There’s going to be trial and error as you navigate your way through the dating waters, and explore who you are, what you like (and what you’ll never again settle for in a relationship!) It’s going to happen. But with time, practice, patience and growth you will see positive change. You will see change in you and change in the way men respond to you.
Turn Yourself On to Turn Him On I am a firm believer in the notion that you have to turn yourself on before you can turn anyone on – whether it be a potential employer, a cute guy, or an important new client. You don’t need the perfect Victoria Secret body type to attract Mr. Wonderful. You don’t need to be perfect in your mannerisms or the moves you make in the bedroom. You don’t need to make more money, or become a Rachel Ray-like cook in order to become worthy of that perfect guy. Perfection in relationships—as in life—is about the imperfectly, perfect fit. It’s about loving who you are (even when you burn dinner that you worked so hard to prepare), or how you look (even when you’re bloated and haven’t yet had your first cup of coffee).
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Exercise Three and Four: The ‘Awesome You’, ‘Awesome Him’ Lists Here is my next assignment to you—In addition to the Brain Dumping exercise and the boundaries workbook I already laid out for you to complete, I want you to begin each week by making two important lists. The first list is going to be all about you—what makes you unique, awesome and irreplaceable. The second list is all about him—that amazing guy that is just waiting to meet you! So let’s dig right in and start with the first list—why you’re awesome, a ‘catch’, and a total fox. You may have to dig deep. You may have to reach into that place within yourself that you’ve accidentally abandoned, let go of, and altogether forgotten about because this list is all about you, and the unique, uncanny traits you have that make you so irresistible! (It took me time to really get to know myself and realize why I’m awesome but once you can really believe you are awesome and own it, that’s when the right kind of guy that you want will come into your life!) Start by jotting down the big, noticeable, right-off-the-bat things that people notice about you. It could be your niceness, your laugh, or your ‘vibe’ that always seems to put others at ease.
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Write down the following: “I’m awesome because…” List everything from the color of your cascading long hair or your adorable pixie cut, to your quick wit sense of humor. Then dig deeper. This may be where you are lost for words, and if that’s the case, then you are really in need of this exercise! It could be that you have the uncanny knack for making your friends feel beautiful inside and out, or that you make a killer red velvet cake. It could be that you’re an awesome rower, or that you love salsa dancing, and can make a fool out of yourself on the dance floor without caring what others think. If you’re stuck wondering what makes you so amazing, here are a few to get you started: • I’m proactive – (I bought this book which means I go after what I want!) • People care about me – I have friends and family in my life that love me, support me and are positive influences. • I’m generous and giving. • I care about others. • I have a great sense of humor. • I am passionate about the things in my life that make me happy, and love living life to the fullest!
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Then with this list I want you to print it out and read it to yourself in the mirror EVERY day. You can even tape it to your bathroom mirror and read it while you brushing your teeth in the morning and night. I want you to own these awesome things about yourself. Once you say each of these awesome things about yourself with great confidence and you REALLY believe them, it’s time for list number two. This list is about what you want from a man. Don’t focus on superficial things but real things—real qualities in a man that you want (loyalty, sense of humor, thoughtfulness, a generous spirit, etc). So, in other words, don’t focus on what you want him to look like, how much money you’d like him to make, or focus on his body. Aim for ten qualities, if not more. Here are some examples to get you started: Reliable – I want a man who I can depend on and is reliable; • Caring – I want a man who cares about others and has a good heart; • Family Oriented—He is close with his family, and acts considerate to his family members, neighbors, friends, etc. • Sense of humor—takes life seriously, but sees the lighter side of situations and enjoys living life with humor. • Supportive—encouraging of the things in my life that’s important, and
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supports me through the good and bad. When you are done with this list, print it out and paste it right beside your first list and look at it every morning right after you read your list out loud. I don’t want you to take this list and use it as ammunition to be completely rigid and cut guys off thirty seconds after meeting them. I want you to use this list as a gauge for letting awesome men into your life. Now that you know you are awesome, you can see the ‘good ones’ more clearly. And when you put your mind to it, I promise this—you’ll find THE ONE quicker than you can even right now, in this moment, imagine it! Asking the Right Questions When on dates instead of focusing on questions like, “Does he want to get married,” you’ll now use your new and improved self-assured mindset to ask the right questions, and the ones that really matter! Ask yourself questions like: “Is he caring,” “Is he honest,” and “Does he make me feel good about myself?” Look for these kinds of examples when getting to know him instead of thinking about how many kids he wants or whether or not he has a history of diabetes. I have a male friend who didn’t love the dating process. It wasn’t because he didn’t enjoy getting to know someone, or that he was timid about giving someone new a chance—in fact, he was one of the most giving, trusting guys I know! The problem was, every time he did go on a date with a woman, she was asking him the wrong questions.
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During an otherwise enjoyable conversation during dinner his date would always (and inevitably) ask how many children he wanted, why he was still single, or how long he planned on dating until he wanted to get married. For guys, this is a major buzz kill, because that kind of conversation isn’t how guys work. Conversations that start with, “How many kids do you want”, when you don’t even know the other person’s last name or family history isn’t about two people connecting, but about one person’s need to make it to the finish line as quickly as possible. So why not ask the right questions, like “how do you need to be loved?” or “What are the most important qualities in a partner for you?” As the relationship progresses, keep asking questions and communicating: “This is what I learned from my most recent relationship, and I’d love to move forward with our relationship by doing/not doing…” When you keep the dialog open (without cornering your partner with ultimatums or pressure to marry fast and furiously) you’ll enjoy the ride, while understanding how men work! It’s All About Values! Being authentic and real happens once you open up and start seeing others around you as uniquely and refreshingly different instead of wrong. The more that you get to know yourself, the more understanding, receptive and accepting you can be of others differences. And ultimately, the easier it will be to get results.
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So what are values, really? Your personal values provide an internal reference for what is good, beneficial, important, useful, beautiful, desirable, constructive, etc. Values generate behavior and help guide you in your own behavior, thought process and actions. They are the ‘why’ behind ‘why you do what you do’. But before you can meet that perfect guy who will allow you to achieve that amazing, mind blowing relationship you’ve wanted since before you can remember, you have to be crystal clear about what you’re looking for—and ensure that your values and his—match up! So why are evaluating your values so important? In a nutshell, it can help you with the following: 1. Be more open to others (especially men) 2. Act less guarded and defensive 3. Not emotionally react when you feel your ego gets bruised 4. Become more empathetic to others who have different values then you (and open yourself up to many, many opportunities in love and your career!) 5. Not be so angry or frustrated with others 6. Be your authentic real self
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7. Have a strong character that men are instantly attracted to! Only when a woman has a strong sense of her core personal values and only when a woman can truly put her most authentic self forward—can she generate the behaviors that attract the man she’s been looking for! That’s how attraction works, and frankly, that’s the inherent factor he’s turned on by!
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Exercise Five: Discovering Your Values and Owning Them The more you know about you, the more authentic and real you can be! Being authentic and real happens once you open up and start seeing others around you as different instead of wrong. The more that you get to know yourself, the more understanding and accepting you can be of others differences and the easier it will be to get results. There are some questions below that are going to help you discover how you think, feel and explore what exactly your core values are. They aren’t tough questions, or meant to trick you. They are actually very easy questions about a great topic that you are very familiar with, YOU? The questions were also developed to help you discover where you are and where you want to go in your life and with men. Please take your time and really think about these answers. Again, they are for you—not for anyone else. Put some thought into them most importantly Have Fun learning about yourself! Instructions 1. Answer questions in their correct order. If you feel you need more time to think about a question, you are free to pause and think about what you want to write.
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2. Be real with yourself. No one is judging you and no one will ever see these answers. Discover Your Values 1. Look forward 20 years – you are attending a function where someone is giving a speech about YOU! What would you want them to say?
2. If time and resources were not a concern, describe the things you long to do.
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3. How would you define a true leader? What are the qualities this leader embodies?
4. If you knew that you could not fail at what you really wanted to do, what would that be?
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5. Think about two or three people you know who really inspire you. Who are they and what about them is inspiring?
6. What’s missing in your personal and professional life? What would make your personal and work life more fulfilling?
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7. What are the biggest changes in your personal life and with men you want to make over: a.) The next 3 Years?
b.)The next 3 Months?
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8. What activities have meaning and purpose for you?
9. What are your biggest personal roadblocks to your personal and professional success?
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10.
What is your commitment to eliminating these constraints?
11. Of the things you start, what is the percentage of things you finish?
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12. What are you most satisfied with in your work and personal life right now? What are you least satisfied with in your work and personal life right now?
13. What are your 3 greatest accomplishments or achievements up to today?
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14.
What is the hardest thing in your life that you’ve had to:
a) Overcome?
b) Accept?
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15. What two steps could you immediately take that would make the biggest difference in your current situation (in any area of your life)?
16. What do you believe in? Yourself, spiritually, God? Explain how and why:
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17. What kinds of things in your current and previous workplace environments drive you crazy? Your dating life? What else in life drives you crazy? (Really allow yourself to go to town and “bitch” here ?).
18. What, in your personal and/or dating life, would you change, if you could wave a magic wand?
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Owning Your Values So now that you have filled out all these questions, what are you supposed to do with the answers? The first thing you should do is read them. Read them, add to them and tweak them. See what you have written and get to know your strengths, weaknesses, likes, dislikes, wants and needs. NOTE: I guarantee each time you read it you will have something to add to it and you will read it differently. In fact you will feel different as well. You will have more confidence, more strength and a deeper understanding of yourself. I want to you to go through your responses and start to look for your personal core values. They will be sprinkled throughout the document and once you learn how to see them you will pick them out instantly. How To Identify Values For example: Answer to question #16: It drives me crazy when people waste their time having small talk with others in the office. It would be better if people did their work and then socialized
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after. Values: If you look at this answer you will see a core value is “I value a work hard, play hard mentality. Having a clear line between work and play.” Go back to each question, look at your response and see the deeper core value within your response. You will find out very interesting things about what you value and don’t value. You’ll find out about yourself! Use this deeper understanding of yourself to also recognize that others around you have different values than you. It will help you not get so angry with others but have a deeper understanding for their actions and hold you more accountable for yours. What Are Personal Values? Personal Values provide an internal reference for what is good, beneficial, important, useful, beautiful, desirable, constructive, etc. Values generate behavior and help solve common human problems for survival by comparative rankings of value; the results of which provide answers to questions of why people do what they do and in what order they choose to do them. The Importance of Clearly Defining Your Core Values Defining our values gives us purpose. When you don’t know or you haven’t clearly defined your values, you end up drifting along in life. Instead of
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basing your decisions on an internal compass, you make choices based on circumstances and social pressures. You end up trying to fulfill other people’s expectations instead of your own. And before you know it, life has passed you by and you haven’t even started to live. Trying to be someone else and living without core values is downright exhausting and leaves you feeling empty and shiftless. Conversely, living a life in line with your core values brings purpose, direction, happiness, and wholeness. Defining our values prevents you from making bad choices. Perhaps you have a vague idea about what you value. But if you haven’t clearly defined your values, you can end up making choices that conflict with them. And when your actions conflict with your values, the result is unhappiness and frustration. Defining our values gives us confidence. I’ve noticed that when I take the time to really think and meditate upon what I value and then write those things down, I’m more likely to have the courage and confidence to make choices based on those values. There’s something about actually writing down your values that makes you more committed to living them. Defining our values makes life simpler. When you’re sure of your core values, decision-making becomes much, much simpler. When faced with a choice, you simply ask yourself: “Does this action align with my values?” If it does, you do it. If it doesn’t, you don’t. Instead of fretting over what’s the best thing do to, and standing frozen in times of crisis, you simply let your internal compass guide you.
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Overall having an understanding of your core personal values will help you attract men, date men, be desired by men and surround yourself with kind, loving and incredible men! Why? Because when you know your values you can: 1. Be more open to others (especially men); 2. Act less guarded and defensive; 3. Not emotionally react when you feel your ego gets bruised; 4. Be more empathetic to others who have different values then you; 5. Not be so angry or frustrated with others; 6. Be your authentic real self; 7. Have a strong character that men are instantly attracted to! Only a woman with a strong sense of his core personal values and a man who can truly put his most authentic self forward can generate the behaviors that attract men. Congrats on completing the exercises in this chapter!
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Email:
[email protected]
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Section Recap • Learn what you want by reminding yourself of the qualities that make you awesome! You have to turn yourself on before you can turn anyone else on! • In relationships—as in life—there is always a silver lining. Use your life today (whether you’re single or in a relationship) as an opportunity to get to know yourself. Focus on you by learning what you like and want, what makes you happiest and what qualities you need in a partner. • When you know what you want, you can begin to attract the right type of guy to you. Learn what you want by staying connected to your core values, desires and needs for your life, and in a partner!
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Chapter Two: The Evolution of Attraction Dear Marni, I’ve been single for about four years, and have been actively on the dating scene now for a year and a half. I meet guys all the time, but have a really hard time reading their signals. I’m happy with who I am, think I lead a pretty full life with my career and social life but every time I meet a guy, I rarely get to the point of attraction that lasts past the first meeting or date. Usually we’ll have a great conversation, and he’ll ask for my number, but we’ll text back and forth and then it just fizzles out. How do you build up the momentum when getting to know a guy and read his signals? How can I tell if he’s interested in me as a potential girlfriend or just as a friend? I’ll admit, I’m pretty frustrated at this point because it feels like I’m lost my radar when it comes to dating and engaging guys from the get-go. Help! ~Lindsey Dear Lindsey, It sound like you need a super shot of confidence in the dating department, because if you don’t believe in you, how do you expect a guy to? If you’re a little hesitant about where a mere initial conversation will go with a guy from the first time you talk to him, you may be giving off a vibe that that you don’t quite know what you want him to do because you’re sitting back waiting for him to make the
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next move. As women, we think guys should know that we’re interested in them because we laugh at their jokes, or we say “Thank you” after they take the liberty of buying us a drink, but the truth is, most guys don’t work like that. Men approach us or ask for our number when they feel like it’s ‘safe’ –aka: they won’t get rejected and face humiliation. They’re not mind readers, and they don’t necessarily know when we want them to make their move—whether it’s to ask us out on a date, or lean in to kiss us. So, if a guy or guys are asking for your number and it fizzles out after a few days of texting, you’re using it in the wrong way, and for the wrong reasons. Texting should be for making plans, not chatting all day and night. You still want to convey that you have a busy, full life. You don’t want to text him for a six hour period and make him think that you have nothing else to do, because that’s not what attracts him. What attracts him to make a bolder move is a woman who stops the conversation, and says, “So, when are you going to ask me out?” The clearer you can let a guy know that you’re into him, the easier it will be for him to make that move you want him to make, and keep the momentum going for attraction that continues on and on and on! ~Marni You’re a woman, which means that you’re processing information, thinking about your feelings and acting on your emotions at all times. With the
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emotions of a relationship, come the good and bad. “I gave him my number yesterday, so why hasn’t he called,” “Why is getting him to tell me about his day after he gets home from work such a big deal? Seriously, how hard is it to turn off the TV and just talk like a normal person?” Or “We’ve been together for so long. What’s taken him so long to put a ring on it?” But that’s not how men work. He isn’t like you (no matter how amazing, or ‘different’ of a guy he may be) so why are you forcing him to be? Learning Something About Men From a Classic Cartoon About Women… To give you a quick snapshot of what this chapter is all about, it can be best summed up by a popular cartoon, and how when you hold onto unrealistic expectations about men, you may be waiting a long time! It’s the classic ‘understanding men’ cartoon and while the illustrations vary from artist to artist, the snapshot always says something like, “Waiting for the perfect man to show up…” and the picture is always of a woman sitting on a park bench…who has now turned into a skeleton. It’s a classic depiction of what women ‘expect’, good for a laugh, and pretty freakin’ accurate! That ‘perfect man’ may be a figment of your imagination, but a man who is a perfect fit for you is not. He’s out there—a guy who ‘gets’ you in a way no one
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else can, who is inspired by you, whose libido starts thumpin’ and pumpin’ each time he thinks of you and who can’t stop fantasizing about you—so stop passing him by! The reason so many women find drama in their relationships with men is because from the beginning they project a huge fantasy about what they think their boyfriend (or husband) should be, should do, should act like, and how he should treat her at all times. She obsesses. She looks at every aspect of what ‘he’ said to her, how he said it and what he possibly meant by what he said under a microscope. Figuratively speaking, she beats the relationship—and him, (that amazing guy overall)— with a dead horse. In a nutshell, she sacrifices what she has with him as it naturally is, in order to mold him into that perfect guy. Listen up—you’re not perfect either—so stop with the ‘one strike, you’re out’ rule and give him a chance to be him. Give yourself and him the chance to show him you have empathy for his faults, and you’re going to stick around (despite his flaws, nervousness or even tacky bachelor pad apartment décor) to see where it goes! “Approaching a woman is terrifying to me. At work, I’m so confident. I can walk up to a room of board members, or pitch a proposal on the fly to a Fortune 500 company and win anyone over. But get me one-on-one with a woman, and my palms start sweating and I freeze.” - Tom Read every word of this chapter because when you do, you’ll learn how and why you need to put an end to unrealistic expectations on your relationships
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and instead love him for who he is, and how he makes you feel when you’re with him. Just imagine how empowering it will be to understand why he’s into you the way he is, and why he acts the way he does (so think of another way to spend all of your free time since you’ll no longer have to obsess, worry and wonder about what he’s thinking!) The whole point of understanding how men work is so you can appreciate them for who they are, and how great and amazing they are. When you do, you’ll stop projecting monstrous expectations on them and they’ll feel naturally at ease in your presence! As a result, the both of you can be happier than ever in the relationships you have or if you’re single, will soon have! From Brain Surgery to the Bedroom Think of men (and your relationship with them) in the same way a brain surgeon has to learn about the brain before he is cleared to operate on one. You can’t dissect the brain before going to med school, and you can’t operate on someone’s skull before passing your medical exam. You would never permit just anybody to operate on your brain, and you certainly wouldn’t allow anyone to operate on you without them knowing how the brain responds, reacts and works, would you?
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You’d never allow an actor, your Uncle Ralph or your little brother to perform brain surgery if they didn’t know everything there was to know about the frontal lobe, and how to repair the damage done to the front of your brain. So, in the same way that a brain surgeon needs to know about a brain inside and out (in order to work with it and make it better than ever!) you need to know all about how men work (to make your relationship with them better than ever!) You can’t go into a first date with a nice, approachable guy by being standoffish. You can’t possibly keep that dinner conversation going during your first date (that he worked hard to plan, by the way) when you cut him off as soon as he stutters for a moment in nervousness. And if you begin your first meeting (over coffee at your local Starbucks, at a romantic restaurant, meeting for the first time in person after weeks of chatting online, or grabbing a drink with your cute neighbor) by asking about his family’s health history, why his last relationship ended and how much money he has in savings—you’re not giving this nice, amazing, wonderful guy a fighting chance. Have you ever watched an episode of The Bachelor? It’s a classic train wreck to watch, but oh-so-tempting. The guy that they choose every season is always handsome, always charming, and always has a great job. He’s seemingly, from the outside, and on paper, a catch. But there are two problems with The Bachelor. For one, the classic fairy tale scenarios and environment they put the bachelor and the contestants he gets
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to choose from are totally unrealistic. The network jets the finalists off to exotic getaways, and the girls always exclaim that they love this bachelor—who they really know nothing about— until they are left, without a rose, heartbroken and crying hysterically while being driven away in a limo. The second problem with this show is that while it does bring on entertainment value, it depicts single women as desperate, clingy and superficial. I can remember one season where one of the girls went up to the Bachelor and said something like, “Look, I want to get married. If you don’t want to get married and have kids, like now, then I shouldn’t even be here.” It doesn’t matter what the guy’s agenda is. He could be someone that is looking for ‘the one’ to spend his life with, or even that guy who is dying to get married and start a family (trust me, there are lots of guys out there like that!) but no man—not even the ones who are dying to get married, will respond favorably to this type of statement—because that’s not how men work. It’s not that he’s afraid of marriage or long term commitment with this kind of approach—it’s that he wants to take his time getting to know a woman—any woman—before he even thinks about marrying her. In the case of ABC’s The Bachelor, he didn’t even know her last name when she gave him the ultimatum. It boxes him in, and makes him run for the hills. And in this situation (which didn’t create a match made in heaven but was entertaining to watch) she pushed him to say, “Well, you should probably go then. I don’t know what’s in store. I don’t know what the future will bring.”
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Even if The Bachelor example is an exaggeration, are you guilty of giving guys an ultimatum? Here are some classic ‘relationship killers’ that can ruin a good—if not great— thing and send you spiraling into a cloud of obsessive thought (when there really wasn’t a problem to begin with): • “Our last date was amazing! Now, it seems ‘off’. What’s he thinking? What’s wrong?” • “Why can’t he just hang out with me and his buddies together? Why does he have to treat his guy time like sacred space?” • “I tell my friends absolutely everything about you, but your friends don’t seem to know much about me. Are you embarrassed or something?” • “So, where do you think this is going? Why don’t you talk about our future more?” • “What’s on your mind? What happened in your day? What are you thinking right now?” • “You seem quiet. What’s going on?” • “I’ve been sending him signals that I’m interested, but he’s not responding. Am I just wasting my time here?”
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That amazing, kind, funny, good-intentions, genuine guy (that you just had an amazing date with) needs a fighting chance. Don’t confront him in an aggressive manner, or set the bar so high that he can’t possibly meet it. Don’t put on ‘grumpy face’ so he won’t even approach you to say hello! Work with your feminine edge by giving him a chance and being accepting of who he is, because when you meet a sweet guy you makes you laugh and feel good about yourself (and in a way you haven’t felt in a long time), the beginning of your relationship may go something like this: If he works in your office, he’ll step up his game and play his cards right. He’ll pay attention to your conversation with your co-worker as you gush over the flower arrangement she just got, or as you tell her what your favorite kind of cupcake is from the bakery down the street—but he may not know when to make his move (that’s when your approach comes into play!) and it may not be until you’ve told him in an obvious way how important things like that are to you! (If you’re rolling your eyes right now, that’s your resistance talking, and it’s because you are starting to understand that the expectation you’ve put on guys in the past isn’t working. It’s not getting you very far, and that’s because men are men. They’re not us. They’re not obsessing or thinking about the future in the same way we are. Instead (and this is a good thing) they’re thinking about how gorgeous you are, and how lucky they are to be with you! Pay attention to what he says to you. For example, if you’re on a quick break
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from work and he comes up to you and says, “So, are you going to happy hour after work?” and you say “Yep, I need a cocktail with the day I’ve had!” and he smiles, great. He wants you to be there, so he’ll have another opportunity to possibly work up his courage to talk to you and learn about who you really are outside of work. But while you’d love him to jump on that and say, “Hey, wanna blow off the happy hour and grab some dinner instead?” so many guys won’t. It’s not you— it’s the fear of rejection. So uncross those arms, smile in response to what he’s said, and give him a confident dose of lingering eye contact and light, flirtatious touching on his arm to show him you’re interested! But it doesn’t mean he’ll always act and behave just as you need him to act, want him to, or especially act as you would act—because that’s not how men work. He’s not a mind reader, a fortune teller, or a wizard. He’s a visually-inclined, remote-holding, will-love-you-if-you-let-him-do-it-hisway kind of guy. He wants the go-ahead to make his next move with zero risk of rejection, so help a brotha’ out! He’s not a woman, so stop expecting him to be. He doesn’t want to know who his ‘soul mate’ is the second he meets her. He wants the thrill of the chase, he wants to have a sense of freedom and excitement. His priority is thinking about how to make you laugh (rather than thinking about how many children you’ll have).
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He wants to win—with you, with his life, with his goals and dreams and career, and not to be criticized by it. He wants to be able to be who he is, and do what he does, with you by his side. And the sooner you get this, that he is who he is, and love him for it (all of it) and stop forcing him to be everything else you need in life to be happy, the sooner you’ll be on your way to the best relationship of your life. Here’s the kicker, the sooner you take him for who he is—the sooner he’ll appreciate you for who you are, too (and that’s when true relationship bliss starts!) “I have a pattern with relationships, which seems to happen eventually with every woman I’ve been with. The sex is amazing. The conversation is awesome. But ultimately, I become that ‘nice guy’ that no woman respects, and while I’m just trying to make her happy, she’s trying to turn me into someone else.” - Jack An Iron is Only an Iron (So Stop Expecting It to Be a Vacuum, Too!) A while back I attended a seminar called Understanding Men. The reason I went to this seminar was because I was working with thousands of men all over the world but I realized I didn’t know very much about how they worked, what they thought or how they are biologically constructed, and in order to help women successfully, I knew I needed to get to the root of men. For the past ten years I had been coaching men on how women worked, thought and acted and I realized I needed to educate myself on the other side.
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So I signed up for a seminar called Understanding Men run by Alison Armstrong through her program called PAX (a program every woman should attend if she wants to have successful communication, appreciation and love for the opposite sex). I went to her three day seminar and was blown away by what I learned about men. What I learned more than anything else, is that men are different than us biologically speaking, but they are similar to us, too. I think as women the similarities we have with men gets lost in translation— deep down, men and women have the same values, the same overall goals, and the same ‘relationship madness’. Just like us, they want to be desired, loved, respected and appreciated for who they are. Pay attention here, because once you realize that guy who is about to gain the courage to ask you out is more similar to you than not, you’ll make the whole dating game easier for yourself, and for him. Once you remember that he can’t be the only thing in your life to make you happy, but if you’re already happy on your own, he’ll enhance your happiness, then you’ve just become the woman of his dreams—and consequently, set yourself apart from all the women of his past! One of the key things that I took away from this three day seminar was told on the first day. The speaker started telling us about this amazing iron. This iron was top of the line and by today’s standards, the best iron on the market. It could take out
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creases from a wrinkled shirt in three seconds time. It turned on by itself and it shut off automatically so you never have to worry about a fire hazard, during an absent-minded fog. Just when you were ‘hooked’ on this iron and ‘in love’ with what this iron could bring to your life, the speaker went on to say, “So you have this perfect Iron. Would you ever expect this iron to be able to microwave your food, or mow your lawn, or cut through huge slabs of meat? No, because that’s not what an iron does. An iron transforms wrinkly pants and shirts into crisp articles of clothing heaven—and no matter how perfect this iron may be and how crisp looking it turns your shirts into, it cannot possibly fulfill every household cleaning need you have. It is what it is, and it’s an iron. Nothing more.” Why force him to fulfill every emotional need you have? Men are built perfectly the way they are, so take it or leave it. While he may not listen to you as intently as your best friend does, ask yourself: Why do I need him to? He’s perfect as is, just like that Iron. So you when you get frustrated at what he’s not doing ‘perfectly’, when you can’t understand his obsession over Fantasy Football, why he refuses to get rid of that stained t-shirt he’s had since college, or why he never seems to remember when you make plans for a double date with your friends, it’s not him that’s disappointing you. It’s your expectations of him (which can never be met by the way) that’s
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disappointing you. The good news, however, is that you have control over that! The speaker from this seminar went on to say that our expectations is what we are doing to men every single day. It’s creating drama and ultimately our unhappiness. While they may be the best ‘iron’ on the market, we force unrealistic (and truth be told, unfair) expectations on them. The result? A unsatisfied ‘single’ status, unresolved feelings and frustration for the opposite sex. Men work wonderfully as men but they work horribly as women, mind readers or knowing how exactly to fulfill ‘your knight in shining armor’ fantasy. Do you want him to listen to you as intensely as your best friend does? That’s not how men work. Why not call up your best friend for a gab session, and go back to the guy in your life when you need something fixed, or you want to be wrapped up in his masculine build, or you want to have amazing sex—because that’s what guys do best. Do you want to be saved by Prince Charming and expect the guy in your life to know what you need without you having to say a word? That’s not how men work, so save yourself first—by being self-assured, happy with who you are, and energetic about your life as it is today, and then he’ll show up ready to bring even more happiness to your life!
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Men are men, and no one is better at being men than they are. This kind of information along with what I’ve learned from the hundreds of thousands of men I’ve coached in the last decade has really educated me on how men work. Men are simple. They’re visual. They know what they want, and love the thrill of the chase. They are focused on their most immediate needs (work deadlines, food, sex) while we, as women, are hardwired multi-taskers. Men are competitors by nature, while we love to be pursued. They love their ‘guy time’. They show us what they like right off the bat, and we analyze, obsess and talk our relationships to death. So, if telling your guy how he ‘should’ act and behave isn’t working—that is, he’s not responding to you when you order him or nag him to do something— he’s telling you right in that moment what he wants. It’s not complicated, and it’s not meant to be tricky. Take him for what he is and who he is, and you will begin to have a better, more satisfying relationship than ever before! Here are some tips to help you move in the right direction and release those expectations that are blocking you from a happier relationship: • Realize how much he loves you for you. Do you want to prevent feelings of resentment in your relationship? This one mentality move will save you from hours of agony, and months of arguing—simply reciprocate how he treats you in the most loving and understanding way possible!
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• Think about it like this—would you tolerate a guy who disrespected you or ignored your needs? Would you fall head over heels for a man who didn’t make you feel like a gorgeous woman? Would you be turned on to someone who didn’t add to your life in a positive way? Begin thinking about men from his point of view and your entire love life will drastically change—without a doubt. Do you appreciate your guy’s manly shoulders, his wacky sense of humor or his work ethic? And—do you tell him, or even better yet, show him how much you love every inch of his body, mind and soul? (He needs positive feedback as much as you do!) I saw these very funny (but very honest and true) tweets from random guys answering the question: “Why are you single?” Here were some of their answers: • “I’m single because I have a great jawline that no one notices”; • “Dating scares me, and giving someone my heart terrifies me.” • “Women totally terrify me; I don’t know how to get to know them on a friend level, let alone on a flirtation or boyfriend level. Every relationship I’ve had has ended because while she loved the way I made her feel, she didn’t love the person I really was. She wanted to change me.” The funny, kind and thoughtful guy you’re with (or if you’re single, soon
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will be with) deserves respect, love and adoration. If you’ve found a great guy, he’s not asking for much. He’s simple. He has basic needs with the biggest one being this: “Love me for me, and don’t try to change me.” When you keep this in mind, you’ve got relationship satisfaction and understanding men locked up! • Take him for face value. It’s easy to worry or obsess over what your guy could be thinking, is probably thinking or hopefully thinking about you, your body, or your future together. But here’s the thing—when you get intense and contemplative about your relationship, he can most likely feel it. While he’s not a mind reader, he can feel the intensity, the pressure and the expectations you’re putting on him. So, if he you ask him how his day was, and he tells you it “wasn’t bad, not too stressful,” leave it alone. Take him and what he says for face value. Don’t keep probing him for answers—because once he has some downtime to relax, and isn’t interrogated or feel under the radar, he’ll know that you’re loving him for who he is. And then presto! He’ll feel comfortable and freakin’ great with the company he surrounds himself with, which is YOU! By dinnertime, he’ll have opened up and spilled more details about his day. • Stop looking for the ‘hidden meaning’ in everything he says. If you understand men, that means that you don’t have an obsessive need to
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worry about what he’s thinking but not saying to you. It also means that you don’t feel like you have to look, feel and act perfect all the time, because you’re secure enough with yourself to show him who you really are—imperfections and all. So drop wondering what the hidden meaning really is in him—guys are simple. We’re the one who complicate things! • Enjoy bonding through activity, not ‘promises’. Whether you’re single and out at your favorite hot spot hoping to meet an amazing, funny guy, or you’re in a three year relationship, it’s easy to steer away from the moment and head straight into a ‘future’ mentality. I know because I’ve been there, and so have a ton of other woman I know personally. The thing is, if you’re obsessing over when he’s going to propose marriage, or when he’s going to suggest that the two of you move in together (and as each day goes by that he doesn’t, you’re getting ‘fed up’ with this amazing guy), you’re moving away from a deeper connection, and also into the dangerous ‘lost zone’. The ‘lost zone’ is when you’re thinking so much about your future with this one, special, amazing guy that you stop asking the right questions to yourself. In the ‘lost zone’, you stop asking yourself what you want, and if the guy you’re with is the guy truly right for you.
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So, if you’re solely focused on the thought, “When is he going to put a ring on it? Why hasn’t he asked me to marry him yet?” stop. Rewind, and recharge that self-empowerment battery that you need to ask yourself what you want. What do you need? What makes you happiest? Then, start focusing on enjoying the moment—every moment that you, as a couple have, and enjoy the good stuff along the way. Strengthen your bond through activity (and I’m not solely talking about sex here). What’s really important aren’t those ‘promises’ of proposal, or meeting his parents, or hitting relationship milestone after relationship milestone. It’s learning and growing together as a couple through events and activities—taking a class together, training for an upcoming marathon, or taking a trip to a nearby city or town. None of these things cost much, and they can easily help you connect and enjoy the amazing guy you’re with (which can easily be forgotten when you’re obsessing over the future! • Enjoy doing those things you love independently, then come home missing him! This last tip is the most practical and when you actually follow it and commit to it in your relationship, it can offer the most rewards! Here’s the thing—most guys have experienced a girlfriend or spouse (I’m not pointing fingers here) tell them what they can’t do. “You can’t go play golf today, I need help with household stuff,” or “You
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can’t go out with your buddies tonight, because I thought you would want to come home to me. I made special plans for dinner and rented that movie you love.” The thing is, whether you are a little bit guilty of making him feel guilty when he wants some time away, or you’ve completely ditched out on your friends for the man in your life, it’s not pretty. And when you ignore your life that existed before he came along (and don’t give him breathing room with his buddies from time to time) your entire relationship can cause the both of you to feel like you’re suffocating. Everyone needs alone time—and goes just like the saying: “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” It’s true, and when it comes to your relationship, nothing will make him want to come home than the feeling that he’s free to go off, drink a beer or two with his buddies and have the trust from you that it’s totally ok for him to do so—no guilt trip attached.
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The Caveman Effect Recently I got an email from a male client I worked with. Like I do with all my clients, I asked him a few questions—what he wants in a woman, what he’s looking for in a relationship, and what he’s willing give her. When I asked him to finish the following sentence, it resonated with me because it’s what so few women realize when they’re ‘out there’ and waiting to be approached (but aren’t). I asked him to answer this sentence: “Women are…” His answer in a nutshell, was this: “Women are unpredictable, and difficult to read.” This client is not the exception to the rule—he is the rule. He’s what most guys feel but don’t say, and it’s about the mixed signals and subconscious language women don’t know they’re sending out (which you’ll learn about in the book!) I have worked with men who tell me over and over again, “I don’t know what happened, but the passion fizzled. She seemed so happy, and affectionate and into me at the beginning, but eventually (and this has happened more than once) she stopped taking care of herself, and having a life of her own outside of the relationship. She wasn’t happy with anything I tried to do to help her, and I wasn’t turned on by the constant downer I came home to.” • Why do we, as women, spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on anti-
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aging creams, quick weight loss pills and Botox treatments? • What’s the real secret to getting your boyfriend to commit to marriage, and how come some guys never do? • Why won’t he stop and ask for directions? • Where does chemistry between a man and woman really come from? For many women who want to become (and stay) attractive to men, it could seem like a mystery—especially if you’ve ever had a relationship fizzle out in the past—and haven’t we all? What are the things the things that really turn guys on—and why do they? Why do some women seem to get their boyfriends forever satisfied while you may worry that you won’t be able to? His ‘Attraction Triggers’ The way that men work—the reason they like to hold the remote, come to your rescue when you’ve got a flat tire on your hands, or have a tendency to become jealous when you form a friendship with your male co-worker is because he’s evolutionarily predisposed to. “I want to be confident, charismatic, charming and interesting. I want women to notice me, but it seems that I always ‘miss the boat’. I get into the friend zone because I don’t know how to flirt with women, crank up the
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sex appeal and make them feel desired by me. I wish I could know whether a woman likes the way I look and then confidently walk up to her, ask her name and buy her a drink.” - Mark He’s hardwired to have ‘attraction triggers’, or in other words, what’s he’s biologically predisposed to be turned onto in a woman (which are very different from those things you find attractive in a mate)—and it’s designed that way for procreation, sexual satisfaction and overall happiness and security in a partner! Here are some examples of how his ‘attraction triggers’ may be affecting your love life: He’s turned on by your youthful, glowing skin and pouty lips (especially when you apply that red lipstick)—because that signals to him that you’re fertile. He’s turned on to your natural beauty and symmetry—because being with a beautiful woman is a status thing for him and satisfies that need in him to feel like he’s won out his competitors. (I know you’re an independent woman, but just go with it…) He’s turned on by your happy, energetic facial expressions and sensual body language—because when you are happy and content with yourself, he’s under less pressure to provide that happiness for you! When you walk and talk confidently and are proud of your body and your mind, you’re a ‘catch’ – just what he needs to feel satisfied in his ‘quest’ to catch the perfect mate. As with any relationship’s success and longevity, it’s a two-way street, but men
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work simply, and whether it’s a man from the caveman days, or right here in 2013, their root causes of attraction in women stem from the following: • Youth and good health; • Passion, and happiness; • Aesthetic beauty; • Femininity; • Fertility; • Faithfulness. The number one thing to understand is that men are just men, and once you know what makes them tick, what drives them to notice you despite the fact that you’re surrounded by dozens of other beautiful women, and to commit to marriage is based on something I’m going to call the ‘caveman effect’. So here it is, the evolutionary roots of kooky, frustrating and baffling men behavior spelled out and knocked out in a language you can understand! You’ll quickly learn why he gets instantly turned on every time you wear that pencil length skirt with your knee high boots, why he always gets turned on when you wear his t-shirt to bed and why he loves your long, cascading hair. It’s why he gets turned on when you ‘need his help’ with the leaky kitchen
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faucet (and refuses to call the plumber), and why it’s in his nature to get a little jealous of your male co-worker that talks to you about art and vegetarianism (things he’ll never bond with you over!) Beauty is important to men. They’re men. They’re visual. They need to like what they see and be aroused by it! But that doesn’t mean you have to be a Victoria Secret model, a size 4, or obsess over your beauty in order to appear beautiful to him. Yes, the number one thing that guys tell me when I ask them what they want in a woman is someone who’s attractive, but beauty isn’t just about symmetry or aesthetics. It’s also about youthfulness, passion and desire that women bring to the table. Have you ever been in a long term relationship or marriage, and at some point, he began to stop telling you how beautiful you are, or how turned on he is to you, or how you are the most amazing person in the world? Most women would give out a “Hell yes!” The thing is, it’s not so much about your natural beauty than it is about how happy you seem with him, how much you desire him, and how you make him feel that matters most. He’s not going to say it because that’s not how men work…but if your sex life has become less passionate, and if the spontaneity is lacking, he’s feeling differently about the relationship.
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The compliments you’re so used to hearing from him are going to come to a standstill. The youthfulness and passion you have when he meets you is what he expects to find in you every single day. It’s a turn-on to be with a woman who loves her life, her body, her friends, her job, and who is utterly comfortable with who she is. He wants to be a part of that—you can’t blame him, right? A positive, self-assured woman is contagious. And evolutionary speaking, it represents youthfulness, fertility, and ultimately, the ‘chase’ that men are so hardwired to crave! Not happy in your job? Feeling bad about the way you look? Tired of being stressed out all the time? All of these things can trigger unhappiness and unattractiveness in your guy as well—which reminds me of the time I was so unhappy that it affected my relationship with my husband. It wasn’t pretty, and if I didn’t work on myself, who knows how it would have ultimately affected my relationship. It’s really easy to get in kind of a funk with your life, and not realize that when you’re unhappy, the first person to be affected by it is the man in your life. In my particular situation, I was feeling negative about myself and I brought it home with me. My sex life was affected. My confidence was affected. My husband was affected—and as amazing as he was and as much as he wanted to help me, the only one who could really help me, was me.
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It’s not a turn on to a guy—even the most amazing, thoughtful, and patient men out there—to be a woman who doesn’t have the ability to help herself, to let her guy in to help her along the way, and to find that happiness, that spark, that passion he once knew her to have! But guess what? When I took the initiative to get some counseling myself (and kick those panic attacks of mine out of the ballpark) my love life got pretty freakin’ amazing. My sex life instantly got back to normal (better than ever, actually) and our bond as a couple became closer for it. So, maintain that passion, youthfulness, and happiness today, and every day – and you’ll see how turned on he’ll be (and continue to be), and how good you’ll feel about yourself. Ready to up the ante and drive any man you meet wild with desire? It’s not as hard as you think, and here’s some easy tips to help you harness those cavemen cues he’s so turned on to and needs in order to be attracted to you-forever: • Don’t pull that classic mistake of ‘losing yourself’ in the relationship. This book is loaded with exercises to keep you grounded and fulfilled, but just by staying connected to your social network of friends, and keeping going in those activities that have always been a part of your life is a sure fire way to stay true to who you are – before and after Mr. Right comes around!
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• Don’t morph into being a ‘we’ couple. When you don’t have independence, the attraction can dwindle. The ‘we’ predicament is easy to fall into—“We love going to murder mystery dinners!” or “We love going to those BYOB painting classes.” Really? Don’t you do anything just for you anymore? Set time aside for that independent, feisty, do-it-cause-you-love-it-and-you-love-your-freetime part of yourself. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and keeps the attraction going! “I haven’t been in a relationship for three years, although I want to be in one. A bit gun shy, I feel comfortable with online dating (sending emails, even talking on the phone) but because I’m a little bit overweight (but working on losing the weight!), I don’t feel confident that how I look will impress a woman. What I wish women knew is that I need the ‘go-ahead’ to even say “Hi, I’m Eric,” before I’ll approach you. I’d love an outgoing woman to start the conversation. If she did, I guarantee, I’d keep it going.” - Eric The way men work is like this—they see a woman they want to get into bed, want to date, or even want to spend the rest of their life with and biologically speaking, there is a drive in them that knows to win you over, they have to beat out their competition (from all those other guys who could have you if you let them). But over time, after the two of you have become committed to one another for a period of time (a few months, a few years) and gotten comfortable in the relationship, he stops doing those things and saying those things you once relied on.
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For example, if he used to send you gorgeous bouquets of red roses once a month, or tell you every time you were together how amazing you are, and it gradually came to a screeching halt—you may think: “He’s not happy with me like he used to be,” or “Seriously, I haven’t heard him tell me thanks for making dinner in months.” I know I have, and I get hundreds of emails every day from women telling me this exact story over and over again. It actually reminds me of that Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn movie, ‘The Breakup’. If you’ve seen it, then you know that after having their families over for dinner one night, Vince Vaughn’s character begins to play a video game when reluctantly, Jennifer Aniston’s character starts doing the dishes. She says to him: “I don’t need you to do the dishes. I want you to want to do the dishes!” Meaning? You used to bring forth you’re A-game to the relationship and now you don’t. I do everything, and you…play video games.” Well what if I told you that you could change this story and that the next man you meet would not disappoint you in the same way? I’m pretty sure you’d say that was awesome, right? I want to share an email exchange I had with a woman that I’ll call ‘J’. ‘J’ had filled out the survey that I gave her and one of her answers popped out at me so I wrote her back asking her to elaborate. The answer was to a question I had asked her about what help she needed from me to blast through to the next
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level of success with men. Here was her response: “Trying to find men to meet and date, and then, I want an ‘upgrade’! I seem to get easily intimidated by a good looking man, so I doubt myself and think, “I don’t deserve him”. I would like to meet an “equal” (or close to it). “ - J It was a pretty similar response to what many other women write. So I wrote back to J and said: “My question to you is, when you say you want an equal, what does that mean? I would love if you could clearly define it for me. When I read this I think it’s saying “I doubt myself and think I’m not good enough for him so I want another man who also does not think he is good enough for me”. - Marni Here was her response: “When I say I would like to meet an “equal”, what I mean is that I would love to meet a man who shares common goals, desires, dreams, motivation, etc. as I do. I seem to meet men who “put effort” into things (their physical appearance, taking on new challenge’s to promote personal growth, etc.) for a little bit, and before long, the man goes into a “comfort zone”. Once this happens, we seem to slowly start to grow in different directions (which ends up ultimately pulling us apart).
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For example, I am a petite women, and I like a strong “manly men”. But, my past would tell you that as time proceeds, these manly men become extremely overweight (to the point it effects their health..i.e.-high blood pressure, lack of energy, pains, moodiness etc.) which eventually effects the relationship. When I look at a man, I want to be physically attracted to him (and I would hope that when he would look at me, he would be just as attracted to me as I am to him). I want to find someone who likes him for him as I do. Believe me, looks are not everything—I totally get that. I did not marry my ex-husband for his looks as he had all the other qualities that I found attractive (i.e. trustworthy, fun loving etc.) ...But, there has to be some physical attraction or it will not work. So, I believe I have “settled” with past relationships, and I need to break this cycle. I know I am worthy of meeting someone with “equal” qualities/traits as myself. I would say its just gaining the confidence to do so that I need to learn to do.” - J I totally understood was J was saying and could literally hear my own past frustrations in her email plus I know so many other women who make the same complaint. So I wrote her the following email: “’J’…thanks for clarifying. The first thing I want you to know about men is that they are NOT WOMEN!
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They don’t think the same as us, they don’t behave the same as us and they don’t have the same drives as us. Having said that, I work with hundreds of thousands of men all around the world and I am constantly telling them that if they want to keep a woman in their life, they can’t forget to continue “courting” her once they’ve got her. Men tend to think that once they approach, attract and “get you” that their work is done. But in reality getting into the relationship is the easy part. Staying together takes constant work and effort—as it does for you, too! As I’m helping men learn this, they also need a little help from you. Men need guidance from you as their partner, so that they understand what you want, what is needed and how to continue moving forward. Frustrating I know, but it’s how men work. To be honest, I would say that you are finding the right men that you can but you may not be communicating with them effectively so that they can “stay on top of it” and continue to grow with you. No matter what, always remember you are an individual so your wants, needs and expectations are never going to be the same as another’s—and that counts double for the man in your life. If you can open your mouth and say your needs, wants and expectations it makes it easier for your partner to give those things to you, or decide if they are unable to. My husband for example, is not as proactive as i am.
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I have a bigger fire under my belly and I used to get mad at him for not having that same urge to grow. So I would get frustrated, and at times, belittle him in an effort to motivate him to get off his ass. But then I realized that it was not helpful. I had to actually love him to motivate him. Once I stopped the nagging and the underlying message of “I wish you were someone else” and just truly loved him for him, that’s when our relationship started to ROCK!!! Additionally, he became a more motivated, go-getter. He lost 30 pounds (so far), is more proactive in his business, has time to give to me (without being forced to) and we are very happy. Our relationship continues to grow. We became ‘pros’ at communicating our wants, needs and expectations of one another in a calm and loving way. Not in a blaming, judgmental way but in a loving, patient way. It’s so easy to project a huge fantasy or enormous expectation as to what your guy should be, what job he should have, what kind of place he should like in and how he should act at all times, but the truth is, your equal is not going exist. Just like you, he is constantly changing, growing and evolving. So why not love the guy who’s changing alongside you?” - Marni As women we tend to put these high pressures and expectations on men to be super humans who can read our minds and give us everything we need before
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we even ask for it. Men are not super humans but they can be super amazing partners who can love us if we let them and don’t put huge, idealistic expectations on them. “If I met a woman who didn’t expect me to everything she needed— boyfriend, best friend, teacher, mentor, coach, taxi service…I could feel like I would have the freedom to just be me, but so far…no luck with that. I wish women knew that as strong and unemotional as we seem, guys are just as prone to feeling vulnerable in love as women.” - Ed I’m not saying adjusting these subconscious expectations is easy. Start off by noticing when those expectations and criticisms pop up and then work on openly communicating them with your partner. Men are simple, and his attraction for you comes down to showing passion, energy and excitement for who you are. It’s about demonstrating desire for your own life, and for him. It’s about smiling, being energetic as each day comes, and knowing just what you want—him! That was what attracted men to women 10,000 years ago and what attracts men to women today—it’s evolutionary, and when you can remember the ‘caveman effect’, you’re on your way to happily ever after!
You Got my Text, But What About the Subtext of my Text?
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You’re a woman, which means you’re a pro at second guessing, third guessing and fourth guessing his motives! What was he thinking when he said that? What did he mean when he paused before leaning in to kiss me? Why didn’t he get the subtext of my text—I mean, it was so obvious. Yes, to you it was—but not him. The way you think isn’t how he thinks. That’s not how men work. If you’re single, give yourself—and that amazing guy who wants to talk to you, ask for your number, and see you again—a fighting chance. Take him for who he is, and either love it or leave it. Have you noticed that most guys don’t want to be beat around the bush? When they are trying to close a business deal with a new client, they don’t talk on and on about their life outside of work. Instead, they are solely focused on the prize at hand, be it their next best and most lucrative client, a pay increase, or a possible promotion. So, in the same way that he doesn’t want to waste your time, don’t waste his. Are you attracted to how he looks? Do you love his sense of humor, or how his mind works? Does he interest you? Do you leave your conversation with him wanting to know more? Then become approachable and give him the chance to charm you! Get Some Guts (and Enjoy the Glory)
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A past client of mine once called me after having an amazing date with this kind, sweet, good looking guy. She went on and on about how on the first date they totally connected, and told me how the chemistry was there, and by all standards, it was perfect. But he didn’t try to kiss her, and she felt unsure, like, “Why didn’t he try to go for it? I was giving him signs that I was totally into him and he didn’t do anything!” It’s important to think about men from their point of view. And in this woman’s case, I told her to consider what this kind, sweet, good looking guy is dealing with. He’s probably been burned in the past (like all of us), and it probably isn’t every day that he meets someone as awesome as my her. But she’s a divorced single mom—and many guys don’t quite know what move to make that’s ‘safe’—that’s not going to ruin everything if she’s not totally ready for the kiss. He’s a respectful guy, and anyone worth your time should think “Should I kiss her? Is it too soon?” But here’s the thing—sometimes, and the reality is, a lot of times, guys wait too long to make their move and they accidentally stay in the friend zone as a result. In this case, my client didn’t want that and he didn’t either, so it’s about putting yourself in their perspective, and helping a guy who you’re feeling that undeniable chemistry with, along. Don’t overthink their actions. Don’t second guess yourself because when the attraction is there, it’s there (and both people feel it but one of you has to make
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a move!) I told her the next time you see him you can do one of three things (all of which are assertive without being aggressive, and absolutely feminine enough for a turn-on!): You can say to him, “So…when are you going to kiss me?” in a very soft, feminine voice; OR You can lean really close to him at the end of the night and look him in the eye, while touching him gently on his leg or arm and let that moment linger just enough for the two of you to connect and allow him to make his move; OR You can kiss him (gutsy but confident and to-the-point!) My client is pretty forward in nature so she kissed him. What was the chance that when he went home, and during the entire next day he wasn’t thinking about the way she went for it? Yep—he couldn’t stop thinking about her. When he picked her up for their third date, she got into his car and gave him a quick kiss on lips to signal “It’s on,” and by the end of the night they had a two hour make out session! Back to the Subtext of Your Text… Think back to a past relationship you’ve had, and replay those interactions with men that didn’t go as well as you wanted them to go. Let’s say you had an ex-
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boyfriend who always took a long time during his work day to text you back. Let’s say that half an hour or an hour passes before he sends you a text message in response to yours. At the beginning of your relationship you were patient and accommodating (although you love to text back and forth, would do it throughout your entire day if you could) but as the relationship wore on, your expectations changed. You began to expect him to rise to the occasion, and text lengthy text messages back to you as soon as you sent them to him. You may have even expected him not only to reply to your texts, but to decipher the subtext of your text. The problem is, he can’t be the god of every domain. He can’t be awesome at having the innate ability to make you laugh (even when you’re in a snarly mood) AND be good at texting…and be a mind reader. So, when you’re able to remember that he’s a man and that’s it (he’s not a magician, a mind reader, an acrobat, or a prize winning text messenger) then you can start your next relationship on the best foot possible. Today—right now in this minute—you’re more empathetic than ever because the relationships of your past have taught you to accept and love him for who he is. You also know that while it may be great to have a guy that was as masculine as George Clooney but as sensitive as the Dalai Lama, is it really want you want? Maybe—but it’s not what you necessarily need. What you need is a partner that will love you for you, and expect nothing more from you than the woman you are. So don’t expect him to go above more
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measures to make you happy than is physically possible for him anymore than he’d expect you to become as knowledgeable about the NFL as he is! What you need is a man who won’t contort and mold himself to be exactly who you need him to be. Seriously, and trust me on that if you haven’t already figured it out yourself, but there is no challenge in that type of guy even if he was willing to bend over backwards for you, day in and day out. It’s no fun. Have you ever seen that old Cher and Nicolas Cage movie, Moonstruck? Cher is set to marry this guy who is someone she likes “enough” to marry. Then, she’s asks by her fiancé (the very boring, and dull guy she’s about to spend the rest of her life with) to go to his brother, played by Nicolas cage and ask him to come to their wedding. This brother is rough around the edges, rude, and sparks a chemistry in her she thought died a long time ago. They have sex hours after meeting, and feeling like she’s just ruined everything, he says to her that love is messy and it’s not meant to be perfect. So, when Cher finally dropped her expectation that everything had to work out in a certain way, with a certain man and in a certain order of her life, she found the guy she really needed and truly wanted! In other words, perfection in a man, and in a relationship, isn’t real. It’s an illusion, so drop what you think that perfect man really is, and get to know the slightly awkward, nervous guy you have something in common with!
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“I’d love to be in a committed relationship, but in my experience it seems like the same thing always happens—she tries changing who I am into who she wants me to be. She may complain about my job, and how I’m not striving high enough for a successful career, or she nags me to wear more ‘grown up’ clothes. The thing is, I like my job and I like my wardrobe, and I like me. I’d love to find a woman who loves me for ‘me’, too!” – John The fun part is meeting someone you want to make a mess with! Let go of expectations, of perfection and what you think he should look like, be like or say and there he’ll be—with more of what you needed than anyone else you could have ever imaged for yourself. Single or in a relationship, you always have to start with you. You have to be happy, self-fulfilled and content. The more satisfied you are with your social life, your goals; and your professional achievements, then the less expectations and pressure you’ll put on him. When you come across happy, energetic, positive and confident—those are the very driving forces that attract him each and every day to you, and always will. And that’s how men really, truly, without a doubt, work! I’ve coached thousands of thousands of men over the last decade, and when I ask what is most important in a woman, I’ll be honest—their responses typically have to do with appearance.
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How a woman should look, how they want them to look in order to be physically attracted to them is always number one. Aesthetics are important to them and mainly for biological reasons which I’ll get to in a minute... They want to be attracted to the woman they’re with. They want to be turned on to her, and that does have to do with looks because it’s the first thing they notice. But, the second, the third and the fourth most important things that men always tell me they want is a woman who is energetic about her life, who is positive and happy, who is excited and passionate and who respects and appreciates them for who they are. Do you know what the majority of guys put on their online profile pages more than anything else? They ask for a woman who wants a man, but doesn’t need one. Know the difference, and be the difference, and you’ve just set yourself apart from all those women out there who aren’t confident and comfortable with who they are, and who expect a man to fulfill those emotional needs for them. But when you want an amazing guy in your life, (but until he comes along, you’ll do just fine) you’ve just upped your sex appeal from one to one million.
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Section Recap • Men act differently in a relationship or in their approach to you because they aren’t you—they not a woman, so let down those expectations of how he ‘should’ act and you’ll increase your chances of meeting that amazing guy you’ve been waiting for! • Men are attracted to you because of evolutionary reasons—they get turned on by youthfulness, beauty, and a happy and energetic woman. Cultivate those traits in yourself, and you’ll always be attractive to men! • Turn yourself on to turn him on by loving your life, your body, your job, and your life outside of the relationship. Those are the qualities that keep him turned on for the long term! • It’s no fun to try to mold him into what you want, or think he should be. Love who he is, or leave it—there’s no middle ground for relationship success.
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Chapter Three: Nailing the Approach Dear Marni, I’m in my late thirties and have been in three long term relationships, one of which ended in divorce. Since my divorce ended three years ago, my outlook on men and relationships has changed. I’m successful in my career, take care of myself (I’m actually going to compete in the Ironman next year!) and I have a full social life. Although I’m tried dating in the last couple years, it just makes me feel like there are no good guys left, like the real amazing ones that you’d actually want to be in a relationship with are either married or gay (if it weren’t for the whole being attracted to only men thing…) I’ve tried online dating, but I had a really horrible experience down that road, and it’s not something I’m willing to do again. I go to the gym five days a week, but it’s such a meat market there. It just seems to me that no one romances anymore, no one dates like they used to, and I worry that I’ll never meet a man who has the same idea of dating, relationships and a lifestyle that is compatible with mine. Is romance dead, and are all the good ones taken? -Joanne Dear Joanne,
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I love how confident you are, and it really seems that you have your own life, love your life and are looking for someone to share that life with you—should he exist! The good news is he does, and it may be easier for you to meet him than you think! Reading your email, it seems when describing yourself and your situation that you appear to have a lot of beliefs and expectations about how things SHOULD be. I relate to that, and I think a lot of other women do, too. The problem is, when you think about how things should be, you may accidentally be cutting yourself off from opportunities to meet men, and preventing a truly great, amazing, compatible guy from approaching you! As a dating expert who has worked with thousands of men, I know that not all men are as smooth as Casanova—some of them do their best to connect with women, but flop. For example, if a guy tried starting up a conversation with you at the gym and you had the attitude that the gym is just a big meat market, he doesn’t have a chance to get to know you—you know what I mean? It’s ok to open yourself up a little bit more, and give men a chance. It’s easier to set up more barriers for ourselves as time goes on, we get burned in relationships and get older. We want to protect ourselves, so naturally we’re going to write men off if they don’t come across when, how and in the ways we expect them to. But think about how difficult it is for a guy to come up to you, strike a conversation and get to know you—you’re successful, attractive and with a full, independent life! I would love for you to make a three-strike rule for men from now on, instead of
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a one-strike rule. Give him three chances instead of shutting down after the first nervous approach, and give him the benefit of the doubt. You might be amazed at where that will lead you! ~Marni So, you want to know what he’s thinking, why he’s not connecting with you in the same way he did at the start of your relationship, or if you’re single, why men aren’t approaching you the same way they do your best friend, right? Your attractive, you have a killer sense of humor. You have long cascading hair that draped down the middle of your back, and you’re successful. So why are you driving yourself crazy with men, and about relationships? Ask yourself the following questions: • Why are you always in the ‘friend zone’? • Why don’t guys seem to approach you despite the fact that you want to be approached? • Where have all the decent, nice, amazing guys gone? • Why doesn’t he take out the trash after you’ve told him in the nicest way possible multiple times, how much you hate the trash sitting outside the door?
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• Why are you in your thirties, and still looking for a husband without any luck? • Why is it so ridiculously hard to get him to open up about his childhood when you want him to? • Why does he insist on grabbing a drink with the boys once a week, when you would really love for him to come home and hang out with you? • Why can’t he just listen to your problems, instead of trying to fix them? • Why can’t he look into the future—the future of you and him—as easily as you can, and think about that proposal, marriage and kids like you do? Why does he avoid the topic of your future every time you routinely bring it up? If he’s not responding to your flirtatious banter or body language cues, it doesn’t mean that he’s not interested. It may just mean that unlike you, he doesn’t think about every possible move you make, or could make, or maybe will make in the future. He’s not you, because you’re a woman. He’s a man, which means that sometimes he needs code red, siren lights blaring to get the hint that you’re available, you’re into him and you’re ready to be chased…by him. If you just need him to listen, he needs you to point blank let him know. The thing about men that most women fail to understand is that while we
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think, “Oh, if I’m pretty enough, or thin enough or sexy enough, he’ll approach me,” but that’s not always true. He’ll approach you when he feels like there’s little risk for him to get rejected. I wish that’s how men worked because it’s how we think they work—or how we think they SHOULD work. Oh he’s a man, he should approach and if he wants me he will. He should ‘man up’ and ask me out. But…WRONG. I work with hundreds of thousands of men and one of their number one fears is approaching a woman the wrong way, ruining the initial attraction they have with her and getting rejected. To save themselves from this embarrassment they choose NOT to approach her at all. And bam! He’s just lost the opportunity to make your love life an incredible one, and vice versa. “Women are a mystery. I don’t want someone I’m with to constantly wonder what I’m thinking, even though, seriously…I’m not thinking anything more than what I told her I’m thinking. I’m not dense or stupid, I’m just…enjoying the moment with her, and I’d love for her to do the same.” - Dan So if you’ve been thinking that if he likes me he’ll just approach or ask me out or kiss me, you are sadly mistaken. Some men want more of a guarantee that when they approach their approach
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is welcomed with open arms—which is why this chapter is a must-read, loaded with information on how to make yourself the woman not only someone he’ll notice as soon as you walk in, but someone he won’t think twice about approaching! The ‘Nervous Guy’ Syndrome is More Common Than You Think… A few months ago my sister in law called me from the bathroom while she was on a date. She said to me “Marni, I don’t know what’s wrong with this guy I’m on a date with. I met him once before and he was attentive, listened to my stories and asked me questions but this time he just keeps talking and talking and talking. How do I get him to be the guy I met the first time?” I had to explain to my sister-in-law that just like we sometimes do when we’re nervous, he does too. Chances are, as in the case of my sister-in-law, if you’re attractive, you have the power to make him nervous. And if you’re beautiful, he’s talking to impress. He’s talking to charm, or perhaps he’s talking the date away because he doesn’t want the night to end. So many men get bad advice—that if there is a lull in the conversation then that means it’s done—attraction has been lost. So to combat this and their feeling of nervousness they attempt to fill the gaps by overly talking and in the process forget to connect with their date.
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I told my sister-in-law to go back to the table, sit down and the next time he starts taking to put her hand on top of his hand or his forearm, look him in the eye and smile. This will calm him down—and establish a connection. She took my advice, and two hours later texted me saying “Your voodoo magic worked. As soon as I did that I could immediately sense him calming down and he was able to connect. He was able to take a breather, ask me questions and we had a great night”. Doing what I told her to do signals to the man that you’re present in the date and in the moment with him. Most of all, it tells him that you are enjoying yourself, you want to be there with him and that you are happy doing whatever and wherever the date brings you. It says “Don’t worry, I’m here, and into it!” So, in a nutshell, it calms a man’s deepest fears, which is that you’re chosen to be on this date with him, and you don’t want to be anywhere else. This immediately helps a man calm down. These are the types of overt signals men need in order to know that what they are doing is right. They can’t read subtle signals or read your mind—so you have to put yourself out there a little bit, and continually present yourself as approachable. That’s the kicker here, because if you’re single and wondering where all the ‘good guys’ have gone, it could be that he’s right there in front of you but you’re too busy crossing your arms in front of you or not giving him that second chance he deserves that you’re missing out on…that amazing guy you’ve been waiting for!
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When he does approach you, strike up a conversation out of thin air, and ask for your number, take note: he wouldn’t do any of it if it’s not what he wanted to do in the first place. Men mean what they say, and say what they mean. There’s no hidden agenda. They’re not asking you out because you’re the only woman they’ve come in contact with lately. If an amazing, kind hearted, funny and successful guy is talking to you, trying to make you laugh, and showing an active interest in what you have to say, he’s worked himself up to intentionally charm you, make you laugh, and hopefully turn this one conversation into many, many more. Biologically speaking, what guys want and how they work is simple: when he wants you, he knows it—he’ll call you, text you, do his damn hardest to make you laugh and spend a good portion of his waking hours fantasying about how mind blowing sex will be with you. But here’s where many women get themselves in trouble, and start the obsessive thought pattern of “Why hasn’t he called to ask me out?” or “We had an amazing two hour conversation. Why didn’t he ask for my number? Am I not pretty enough for him? Does he have someone else? He probably has someone else…figures.” Sound familiar? When he wants you he knows it, but it doesn’t mean he’s always going to do something about it, and that’s where you can help him out. Be approachable.
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Show him obvious signs of interest (signs that he’ll notice and take action on) and give him three chances before writing him off as someone who’s a nice guy, but not really your type. If we all judged men based on what they think they should say to us to get our attention—aka, stupid pick-up lines—we’d never get to the point of procreation! Think about your expectations—those liners and conversation starters that you think guys should say with total ease and confidence. Now—imagine an eraser actually erasing those expectations because the fact is, there’s no mandatory class that teaches guys what to say, and how to say it. They don’t know what will instantly attract you, and that’s what they desperately want. They just want you to like what they’re laying down—as cheesy or lame as it may be. It reminds me of this one I worked with who told me about how she just doesn’t ‘get men and their stupid pick-up lines’. She then went into a story about this one guy who approached her and then said “Oh you drink Evian too!”. She immediately wrote him off because of his “stupid” line. It immediately made me wonder about how many great guys (with awkward conversation starters) she was missing out on. “Do you know how many great men you are missing out on because of the way you are evaluating them? Do you know how hard it is to approach a complete strange that you potentially want to have sex with, or date?” It’s brutal out there for us, but for
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them—for men, it’s freaking harder than we can imagine. “I’m an awesome person once I get past the first five minutes of talking to a woman—that’s when the ‘real me’ comes out. But that first five minutes of approaching and figuring out what to say (when I do approach a woman) is horrible. I wish there was a way for women to just see the ‘me’ that I really am.” - Jarod The man that was approaching this woman was most likely a great man but his opener skills were not so fine tuned. What he was trying to say to this woman was “I think you’re pretty and I see that we have something in common”. He was trying to connect to her the best way he knew how. The advice I gave to this woman and what I tell all of my female clients is to scratch the one strike rule and start to implement a three strike rule. You have no idea how many great men you miss out because of the one strike rule, so help a brother out! Are You a Date Shredder? Here’s the thing—a lot of single women are guilty about shredding a guy to pieces on the first date because of a physical characteristic they didn’t know about beforehand. It could be that he sent you a manly picture of himself after exchanging emails back and forth on a dating site, but when you met in person for the first time, his voice was a little…higher pitched than you expected.
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So, during dinner as he’s telling you about his dorky college roommate who turned into a big time showbiz star (and is now on Dancing With the Stars), you are interested in one, and one thing only—that voice. That voice that you’re not crazy about, didn’t expect and can’t stop obsessing over…and not in a good way. So, you stop engaging in conversation, and end the date by thinking, “Nope. Not going happen,” while spending the rest of the night angry that there seem to be ‘no good guys left’. See the problem here? Are you guilty of the same? (By the way, keep this in mind: If you’ve ever heard the flawlessly beautiful David Beckham speak, his higher-than-you’d-expect-voice may shock you.) This is the ‘one strike rule’ is action, and what happens to you before you really open yourself up to a great guy. You may fixate on what you think he should look like, talk like, and look like. And in the process, you spend so much energy clutching onto our expectations of what he should be, that you miss out on the great, amazing, unique guy he really is (perhaps the guy you really need in your life). The ‘one strike rule’ is all about first impressions, judging someone solely on what you expected or wanted them to be and projecting your fantasy of the perfect guy onto him—and in the process—you miss the boat. You miss the ride to a fun and fantastic relationship with Mr. Wonderful.
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So, ask yourself: When it comes to dating, are you getting the results with men you want? If you’re not, then you may be accidentally, without-knowing-it, applying a ‘one-strike rule’ to dating that is preventing you from meeting him! It’s time to detox the date shredder in you, and find real love with a real, committed amazing partner like you’ve been dreaming about! Another story that I like to tell women is about my Wing Girls. As I’ve said many times before, I work with hundreds of thousands of men all over the world helping them understand women. There are times when myself and my wing girls help them pick up and attract women LIVE. How it works is my male clients hire my company to help them learn how women work. Through my coaching program, my Wing Girls and I help them to fine tune their skills and then we go out into the REAL world and give them the opportunity to approach, talk to and attract women with the help of a Wing Girl by their side. EVERY one of these Wing Girls that has ever worked with me says exactly the same thing at the end of their first night: “I didn’t realize how awful I’ve been to men. I’ve missed out on amazing guys because I’ve had a huge bitch shield up. I didn’t know how hard it was for men to do this.” Some girls have even cried when they’ve say it. The reason they said this was because the guys that they would work with would be awesome in front of them. Crack jokes, be super comfortable,
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basically be themselves. But then when the Wing Girls would tell the guys to approach women by using everything they had just been taught, they turned into bumbling fools and wussy versions of themselves. In front of those attractive women, they lost their confidence and froze. Or, if they did say a pick-up line to a woman, it wasn’t what they really wanted to say—it was whatever they could think of to get her attention. These stories are not to advise you to start dating men who are wusses, or whose mind goes blank when you say hello to him. It’s to help you see that behind that nervous man approaching you may be a prince!! So again, help a brother out by implementing a three strike rule and be clear in communicating you want to be approached, you’re engaged in what he has to say and you’re willing to give him a chance. So what signs of interest am I talking about, exactly? • Eye contact, with a smile! You want to not only make eye contact with him, but let him catch you looking in his direction! No, you don’t want to stare at his butt when you know he’s looking, but you do want to encourage him to over and say hello with an obvious, to-the-point eyeto-eye contact he’ll decipher! • Uncrossed arms, and moving your body slightly toward him while you’re talking or you spot him from across the room looking at you;
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• Shoulders back, straight posture, crossed legs, with your top leg pointed in his direction; • Uncrossed arms; • Demonstrate a genuine, energetic interest in everyone around you—if he sees you engaging with co-workers or friends in a fun and friendly manner, he’ll wonder what you’re all about and want to meet amazing you! More specifically, show enthusiasm on your face by raising your eyebrows when telling a story, and illustrate your point by moving your hands around in excitement! • Move into his ‘comfort zone’ by lightly touching his arm when you’re talking about something your passionate about, or putting her hand on his knee for a minute as you talk about something meaningful for him. • Ask HIM questions. Show him you’re engaged in the conversation and present in the moment (instead of just buying some time until her friends arrive). Your “type”—‘the one’, even—could be just a room away, a minute away, or a workout away. And this chapter is all about making yourself open to a great, wonderful amazing man who’s dying to talk to you but needs the confidence from you to allow him in, if only for a conversation, if only for a “hello”. Sometimes, a look from you, a smile, or a lingering moment of eye contact is all he needs to walk over and introduce himself. Sometimes, that’s how a happily ever after starts!
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But grill him about his ex, pressure him to take the relationship to the ‘next level’ or nag him, and he won’t budge. He can’t be pushed. He can’t be forced into anything, and he absolutely, never can be tricked into proposing (or at least any worthwhile guy, can’t). This reminds me of a Sex and the City episode in which Charlotte had been living with her boyfriend, Harry for some time and began to obsess over when he would propose to her. She had recently converted to Judaism, and her expectations for a proposal were higher than ever. Finally, after making dinner she burst into a yelling fit as he was watching the game instead of looking at her, and gave him an ultimatum about a proposal. He left, and let her know that if she had just waited a bit longer, he was plotting the perfect opportunity to propose. He had even bought the ring. Let him enjoy the process of getting to know you instead of asking him how many kids he wants on your first date. Focus on his answers to your most important questions, such as, “What was it like growing up in Africa? That must have been interesting!” or “Amazing! You went to culinary school! Wow, you’ll have to show me what you’ve got!” Give him the chance to show you who he is, what he wants and how he’ll love you before you insist he ‘put a ring on it’. Give him the chance to know you for you. Give yourself the chance to know him, and I promise, understanding men won’t seem nearly as complicated as you think!
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First Date Flops + Disastrous Ultimatums A while back I lead a three day boot camp in which the attendees were men of all ages AND from all over the country to come work with me and learn how to be the man women want. During this boot camp I arranged for something special that I’ve never done before. I teamed up with another female coach who coaches women on how to get the men they want and she brought a group of women to meet my group of men for a special two hour attraction session. During these two hours we did a bunch of mock ‘pick-ups’ where the men would practice approaching, interacting and ‘picking up’ the women. After every mock pick up we would give feedback on what we could see from their interaction, as well as each individual giving feedback to their partners. Then after the two hours were up, we would all give feedback on how they could have done better in both the man’s approach and the woman’s response. What I discovered was eye-opening because for the guys because as a coach and a woman I know everyone has the same struggles as both sexes do, but the men and women attending did not know this. Through hours of observation, I saw that men and women struggle with the same troubles and insecurities. Regardless of gender, everyone was having trouble expanding their conversation, opening up, sharing who they were and letting their guard down. They were all nervous about their ‘approach’, and
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about rejection. In a nutshell, we’re all in the same boat, so let’s make ourselves as women as nice, approachable and open-minded as possible, in order to make ourselves available for as many possibilities in love as we can! Something in particular happened at this event that I found very interesting. There was this one woman in attendance who was in her 40’s. She was gorgeous and witty but unfortunately, was so focused on her end goal that she turned the men off right away. At one point during the feedback session, a man asked her, “What are you looking for?” Without missing a beat, she said “I’m looking for my soul mate”. When she said this, I could feel all of the men in the room immediately turned off. After the event was over and before we headed to the mixer we had arranged for everyone, I began to talk to the guys and asked what they thought when that woman said she was looking for her soul mate. They all said their initial reaction was feeling extremely pressured. One of them said that “it just seems desperate. Like I don’t even matter and that I’m just fitting into a slot. It was a big turn off. Huge.” Their brutal honesty pointed out that when a woman puts all her eggs in one basket on a first date, during the initial conversation before their entree has even made its way to the table—it’s a lot to live up to.
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How can they know if they’re up for marrying her when they don’t even know if they like her? How can they possibly know what the future will bring when they don’t even know her last name? Adding to this pressure, some of these guys claimed hearing another woman say she’s in a ‘get married in 365 days’ program where she was guaranteed to find a husband and get married in a year’s time. It’s not that men don’t want to get married…eventually. It’s that some women (like the woman in the 365 days program) are more focused on the end result than she was on the man she was interested in. For men, this doesn’t compute. It comes across as needy, and men can never find that ‘approach’ attractive—for a woman that doesn’t care so much about the guy she’s with, but instead whether or not he’s going to put a ring on it— it’s a turnoff, and usually a deal breaker. Instead of asking him, “When do you want married,” why not ask him, “How do you want to be loved?” Instead of asking him, “How many kids do you want to have?” ask yourself, “How many of our core values and lifestyle choices match up?” “Guys get nervous about first dates, just like women do. Or, I’m guessing women do, but all the women I’ve taken out seem so put together, so calm that it makes me nervous! And when I get nervous, my palms get sweaty and I routinely lose my track of thought. Embarrassing stuff to deal with when you’re trying to make a good first impression.” - Jason
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That guy that you’ll find your happily ever after with won’t reveal everything he is and everything he wants right off the bat, because the truth is, he’s too busy enjoying the getting-to-know-you process—not the end result. So, if you’re on your fifth date with this amazing, gorgeous, incredible guy and you’re stressing over the fact he hasn’t brought you home to meet mom and dad, relax. You’ll get there. It’s not a race. Don’t box him in with ultimatums, or it will backfire. Instead, focus on you, focus on enjoying him and learning what you love about this new relationship. Getting Him to Look Your Way and Notice Your (Inner and Outer) Beauty Enjoy the process by asking yourself and him the right questions, and chances are, you’ll get to know an amazing, intelligent guy who could’ve otherwise passed you by. So how exactly do you get him to pass you by? I have spent the last decade working with some of the most incredible men— men with great jobs, great friends, great family, and a passion for life. In short, through the many men I have personally coached, there is no shortage of men who are freaking awesome. So what was the number one complaint that they all had in common? None of them approached the women they wanted simply because they did not know if they should. Now I have coached many men to not wait for
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permission to go after what they want and told them the only sign that they need is that sign in their own head saying “She’s cute. I want to talk to her”, but there are still so many that don’t have my coaching and miss out on approaching great women because they’re too busy looking for signs she’s interested and unfortunately, assume she’s not. This means that all those guys who are waiting on approachable signs from you are passing you by without you even knowing it! So, great, successful and amazing men are not approaching you, simply because they don’t think you want to be approached or in the words of many of my clients, “bothered”. So what you can you start doing right now to capitalize on this new knowledge that I shared with you? You can make it easier for great men to approach you by helping them know you want to be approached. The following exercises are so easy to do and will absolutely kick up your approachability right this very second (and of course, once you start to put this tip into practice!) Let’s get started!
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Making Yourself Open for the Approach If you often see attractive men and would love to interact with them (but can’t quite work up the nerve to say hello) get stuck in the ‘friend zone’ or you never seem to be the woman that guys come up to at all, this section is for you. In this section you’re going to learn: • How to get you mentally pumped to be approached • Exercises to help you take action • Tips on what to say and get him instantly hooked on you! Becoming approachable does not have to be as difficult as you think. In fact, as a woman it is part of your biological makeup to sit back and wait for him to come to you. Why? Because your gentle femininity is one of those biological reasons why he’s hardwired to be attracted to you—even before you say “Hello”. Over thinking our actions can sometimes deter us from doing them. Action is your best teacher, and the most empowering step you can take. So, moving forward, I do not want you to think about approaching, I want you to just do it! From now on, there is no more wasting time and opportunity in this area of your life. The first exercise I want you to do is engage with ten people every single day.
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I want you to take this exercise seriously, and I want you to start right now! I know you may feel uncertain about this at first. In fact, I had a client that sent me this email that will probably resonate with you: “Purely on a philosophical level, I do not see how approaching other random men and people I am not interested in will ever amount to more success with men. I want to approach men and be approached by men, not a bunch of random people.” This comment is very common. In fact, I used to think the same way when I was overcoming my extreme approach anxiety (after I had my stroke at the age of 20). I used to say; “How does approaching stupid random people help me approach and be approached by men I actually want to talk to?” You may believe that your approach anxiety is strictly isolated towards men you find attractive, but I guarantee you that this fear is generalized towards all people in some way that you feel you have no business talking to. Once you can approach any stranger without overwhelming anxiousness (a little fear is OK, natural and part of the fun!) it will make it do much easier to approach men—even your gorgeous neighbor you were once bashful around—and act on it! Steps: 1.
Approach people you find hideous;
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2.
Approach men you are NOT attracted to;
3.
Approach men you want to meet and talk to!
Work in small steps every day, and soon you’ll have a whole different vibe exuding from you—one that is positive, energetic and uplifting. Guys respond to this, and will notice you from across the other side of the room without you having to say a thing. The exercise of approaching ten people a day is the exact same exercise I gave to myself and the same exercise I have used to coach thousands of men to succeed with women. Once you start doing this exercise, you will start to see what thousands of others (and myself ) have seen. 1.
You will see how much you can change.
2.
You will see how people will start changing around you, and;
3.
You will see how opportunities to meet interesting, attractive men are always around you.
When you practice opening yourself up to everyone around you, it makes you ready and prepared for when someone great comes along. If you are not ready, you will miss the opportunity every time. Approaching ten people every day: • Increases your confidence, comfort level and energy.
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• Decreases your fear of rejection, attachment to an outcome, stress levels when approaching those you want to approach. • Overall it will make it easier for you transfer that comfortable, natural approachability to a person you are interested in. Over the last decade of working with thousands of men from all over the world, I have discovered that the number one reason men have approach anxiety, is because they tend to attach huge meaning to the outcome of their approach. They don’t want to be rejected by you! For example: “I’m going to approach that smoking hot girl, ask for her number and go on a date.” First, the only thing you know about you is that you are hot and your looks have caught his attention. At this point, he has NO idea if you want his number and he definitely doesn’t know if you want to get to know him on a date. And that’s why with so many variable as to how approaching a woman like yourself could go, you need to reduce his risk of being rejected by being as friendly, open minded and receptive as possible! Setting Intentions There are many different situations that you will find yourself in with men but the one constant is you, right? So with every step of the way, it is your responsibility to ask yourself “What do I Want? How do I want to come across?”
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• I believe that in order to get what you want, you have to ask for it. • When you know what you want, your intentions will be clear. Let’s put it this way: You want to wash your clothes, but you are out of laundry detergent. So you go to the grocery store to buy laundry detergent. At the store you don’t sit in front of the detergent section, stare and get nervous about whether or not you should get the detergent. You select the detergent you want, take it to the counter, purchase it and take it home. That was because you had set your intention for it and took actionable steps to get it. Intention: Go to the grocery store and buy laundry detergent. INTENTION COMPLETED! Any time you go to the store without an intention you end up spending too much, forgetting to get what you need and probably buying stuff that you will never use. Now let’s say, after you get the detergent, you see a few others things that you decide you want. You now have an add on intention. Add On Intention: Get eggs, milk and shampoo ADD ON INTENTION COMPLETED! The picture I am painting for you is that setting intentions helps you be clear and get what you want instead of ending up with a house full of garbage you
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don’t need (or a night of no interactions with guys, period!) Let’s apply what you just learned to your interactions and approachability with men. I want you to eliminate large, outcome dependent intentions like: “Tonight I’m going to walk up to a guy, and he’s going to be the one.” Instead, I want you to start smaller. Smaller will help you keep yourself in check, maintain selfrespect and get better results with men (not to mention, have a ton of fun with yourself and the guys that come your way!) From now on, I want you to use the following intention as your reason for approaching: INTENTION: “He’s super attractive and seems nice. I’m going to go talk to him and see what he’s about.” This intention puts the control back in your hands and puts you in the position of selector and evaluator. Once you can start approaching ten people every day and setting your intentions with men, you will notice a huge change in the way you interact with them—you may even start to question why you once thought meeting men was difficult and begin to really enjoy meeting random strangers. ‘Man Up!’ Girl: Approach Five Men per Day Man up and approach that handsome guy from the gym you’ve had your eye on…in the most feminine way possible. It’s 2013. It’s time to show yourself that
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you don’t have to wait to be approached by ‘him’ – life’s too short to hang out until he’s worked up the nerve to talk to you, so go for it. Say hello. Smile and ask him to chat with you while you hit that five mile mark on the treadmill. Ask him to show you how to do a proper ‘diamond’ sit-up, and then let him see firsthand your killer sense of humor. You don’t have to wait for them to approach you. Just because you approach a man doesn’t mean you become a MAN. You can still approach men but in a very feminine way simply by saying hi and then asking a question or an opinion. Exercise: Approach five men per day, everyday! This may be a bit scary for the first day or two, and you may have butterflies in your stomach as you walk up to a guy and start a conversation from thin air, but be humbled, because this is exactly how guys feel as they think about approaching you! Walk up to anyone you want, attractive or not, old or young, at work or at your local Starbucks. Seriously—the more you start talking to guys, the more confidence, self-assuring and naturally ease you’ll cultivate for yourself. Keep going even if you stumble over your words, or get nervous or insecure. It’s part of the process, but when you keep going, it will get easier and easier, until you land yourself right smack dab into him –that amazing guy you’ve been waiting for!
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Now you’ve: • Focused on what your intentions are; • Decided to forget about your anxiety with being approached or approaching men and take action!
Conversational Starting Points So far you’ve laid all of the groundwork for success: now it’s time to kick start your action plan. If you’ve ever stumbled over telling a guy what your name is or what you do for a living when asked, this is the section for you! You will learn: • How to give attractively communicate whatever you’re talking about to a man; • How to lead the conversation without dominating it; • How to engage conversation and captivate his interest! Forget Topics to Talk About/Think About Energy Instead Contrary to popular belief, there are no magical conversational topics that will instantly get a guy want to commit, or vow to spend the rest of your life with
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you. Nor is there a conversation that will guarantee attraction with every single man you meet—each guy is going to either be turned on to your wit, or not. Each guy you meet is going to love your adorable smile, or not. So, a great conversation is really not about what you say to him but how you say it. For example: Let’s say you meet a guy and within the first five minutes, you’re connecting. The two of you are laughing at the same things, and the conversation is flowing. You wonder, “Is it getting hot in here?” and he’s thinking the same thing—the chemistry is undeniable. You don’t know this yet, but this guy is a relationship guy and not afraid of wearing his heart on his sleeve. Having just met you, he’s thinking about how amazing sex with you will be (he’s a guy after all, and you’re a gorgeous woman.) The problem is, as you’re talking to him and feeling confident about the immediate connection the two of you have, you come across as overly sexual. It could be that you mention how young you were when you lost your virginity, and while it was supposed to be a light hearted comment, his smile turns serious. Your flirting with him as you speak, but the problem is, you’re also simultaneously flirting with several other guys at the bar beside you. Then, you proceed to talk about how many boyfriends you’ve had in the past three years, and again, it’s triggering those caveman instincts of him to think, “Hmm. She’s not girlfriend material. She’s easy, and could potentially go off
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with any guy she wants.” If you played this a bit differently—which all stems from how you say it and not so much what you say, you can motivate him to commit—whether it’s asking you out on a first date, or suggesting that it’s about time you ‘meet his parents’. It’s the subtle language you use, and the laid back approach you convey. Guys are more willing to make their move when they have a good idea about your intentions, and mostly, that you’re there with them, and them only. You’re not looking at other guys in the room, and you’re not sexually available for someone else in the same night. Most of all, guys need to feel as rejection-free as possible from you, so project a vibe of loyalty, confidence and assertiveness, and you’ll up your success with men by leaps and bounds. IT’S NOT WHAT YOU SAY BUT HOW YOU SAY IT! He is biologically hardwired to be attracted to positive energy, a youthful exuberance and happiness. He’s programmed to love your passion for life, and your symmetrically shaped body. If you stand there talking to him with your arms crossed and barely cracking a smile, what’s he going to think, and most of all, what’s he going to be attracted to? When you don’t appear open and willing to get to know him, his fear of rejection kicks in and he won’t be able to be who he really is. He won’t be able to let his guard down.
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So, Speak with passion, excitement, interest, confidence and knowledge—then you are as good as gold. EXERCISE: Talk about whatever you love doing during your free time. Are you a Yankees or Red Sox fan? Do you know how to make the most amazing cakes, ever? Have you traveled to India? Really? What did you discover there? Get involved in what you’re saying, because when you’re coming from an honest, genuine and excited place, he’ll reciprocate those emotions. When you are at ease and are comfortable talking, he’ll be at ease. When you lightly touch his leg or arm while he cracks a joke and makes you laugh, he’ll be more inclined to lean in, make eye contact and hang onto your words. He’ll do this because you are projecting a character that he can connect to and wants to be around. A character that is passionate, confident and expressive is always attractive! For men, how you make him feel when he’s talking with you, approaching you and interacting with you is everything. So, do this exercise with three to five men. I guarantee you will get a good response. Keep in mind that if you are not at ease and comfortable with your conversation then the conversation won’t go easily—he won’t be able to keep
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it going as he wants to, and as you want him to! So, in order to help keep the conversation engaging and entertaining, be sure to select a topic you know a lot about and have passion for. The lessons learned from this experiment will alleviate the pressure to “say the right thing” because there is no “right thing” but instead just saying it in the RIGHT WAY. Now that you know this it will be easier for you to break into conversations with any man and feel good about each one you have! Go back through recent approaches you made, or wished you made, and write down what you wish you could have said to men. Read those answers to yourself and over the next two weeks, practice what you will say while looking at yourself in the mirror. That way, when Mr. Wonderful does strike up conversation with you, you’ll talk effortlessly and confidently from the get-go! Start off slow by approaching men you are NOT attracted to. When that feels comfortable to you, move onto attractive men. This exercise will make it easier to approach any guy you want you, no matter if you’re at the supermarket in sweats and without an ounce of makeup on, or you’re looking your best at a nightclub. You won’t be stumbling for “what to say” because you will already have a repertoire of proven/practiced things to talk about under your belt. As you practice you will notice what works for you and doesn’t work and you will keep tweaking until start getting positive consistent results. It’s a win/win!
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Be Feminine But Don’t Dominate The Conversation Your goal is to have engaging conversation that gives you away a little bit at a time so he’s left thinking about you long after you’re gone. You don’t want to talk his ear off, but give him just a little something that makes him think, “Man, that girl was awesome. She’s different. Need to see her again.” A great conversation is 50/50—it’s about being present and engaged in the moment with the guy you’re talking to, and letting him in to who you are. I typically tell men that they want to get a woman talking 75 percent of the time but this is to get them in engaged in conversation and attraction racing. Be careful during conversation though: some guys will talk non-stop, and some won’t talk at all, so be sure to implement that three strike rule! Talking too much or ‘not talking’ enough? He’s nervous because he’s attracted to you. So, ask questions. Smile at what he’s said. Give him the chance you’d want him to give you! Show off your femininity! The trick about talking to a guy in an engaging way isn’t really about what you say, but how you say it. You want to ooze femininity, and give him the chance to chase you (because as you remember from the last chapter, biologically speaking, that’s what turns him on to you!) Dominating every move the conversation makes is a turnoff, whether you’re male or female. It spells insecurity and discomfort. It can also lead to friendship instead of a sexual or intimate relationship. So what happens if you can’t overcome shyness, or the awkward silence in the
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room as that very cute, very smart, and very charming guy tries talking to you? Just announce the elephant in the room—and you’ve got this locked up! Announcing The Elephant Announcing the elephant is when you literally say out loud what you are attempting to conceal or cover up when talking to a man. It doesn’t matter what it is—nervousness, that you’re mesmerized by his beautiful eyes, or that you’re really kid-like excited over spending time with him! So for example, when I go on stage to speak in front of a large audience and feeling nervous about it, I say something like: “I’m so nervous. There are so many of you!” This allows me to no longer focus on trying to cover up/conceal that I’m nervous and at the same time, form a connection with the person (or large audience) I’m talking to. Instead of possibly freezing up or drawing a blank, I call out my ELEPHANT (my jitters, anxiety, and overall nervousness)! This helps me relax/focus on the audience more because I’m not trying so hard to pretend I’m NOT a bag of jitters...I just told everyone that I am! Sure enough, this helps my audience connect more to me as well because they can understand how that feels and relate to it as well. I advised a student of mine, Rachel, to use it when she is talking to men or even on dates with men and she told me it’s something that’s always broken the ice and makes her date connect to her more. It puts them on level ground, and allows both people to stop feeling that need to be perfect.
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So here’s what I want you to do: If you are talking to a man and suddenly forget how to speak, look at him and confidently say with a soft smile: “See what you did? You made me so nervous I forgot what I wanted to say!” OR: If you are on a date with a man, confidently look him in the eye and say “You know what? I›m a little nervous right now.» You «Announce The Elephant» and then move on! Stop wasting your energy trying to conceal that you are nervous.... …Just announce it instead! It’s honest, it’s genuine, it’s in the moment and men LOVE IT when women can do this. It makes you seem real and will get them to also relax because most likely they are nervous too! Announcing The Elephant puts you at ease instantly. It also puts the man at ease too because he most likely feels just as nervous as you do (if not more) and can now feel that much more connected to you when he hears that you both have
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an “elephant.” Once you start Announcing The Elephant it will make connecting, being approached and being present in the moment a lot easier— which will build more attraction...and make him want you that much more!
How to Achieve the ‘Easy Approach’ The next section of this chapter is meant to help make you confident, open you up to being approached, and get you really happy with who you are, passionate about the life you have and excited about your future with The One! After using the following exercises, you’ll become so sure about what you want, so that when you see him from across the room, or finally get introduced to your co-workers cousin that she just knows you’re the perfect match for— you’ll be engaged, open minded and free of unrealistic expectations that otherwise kill a relationship before it’s even begun! The Smirk The first step to being attractive to men is very simple: you just need to smile more. I’m not talking cheesy smile, big smile. I’m talking your sexy smile—the kind of smile that says something behind it. Your smile (even if it’s been in hiding) has something important to say, something mysterious and alluring and desirable.
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Think about Scarlett Johansson. She’s got sex appeal. She’s got curves. And when most guys hear her name, they come to a unanimous decision: She’s hot. She’s attractive. What’s not to love? But the fact is, what these guys don’t quite understand is that it starts with her smile—that’s the reason women like her get dates, sex, and overall attention from men wherever they go. Flashing a smirk, when you see a cute guy walking past, lets him know that you’re interested in getting to know him better. It also says, “I’m confident and I’ve got things to smile about”. And additionally, it allows the guy to let down his fear of being rejected, because his smile is already telling him you’re ‘risk-free’ to approach, strike up a conversation with and with some luck, ask you out! A smirk is the universal signal for ‘I’m a confident person but there’s something interesting about me that I don’t tell everyone.’ It makes everyone—especially that guy you have your eye on—feel special, valued, and desired (and that’s most of the battle!) So, get into the habit of smirking. Smirk at beautiful men at the ball game, the movie theater, the guy you’re about to pass on the street, the guy hailing a cab next to you, on the subway, in the next cubicle over, at the gym, in a coffee shop, in a bar—everywhere! Make each guy you come across your dress rehearsal, and practice having fun! Smirk the hell out of your day and start engaging them in conversations, getting numbers and dates!
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Here’s How To Do It: 1. Make a video of yourself smiling/smirking in several different ways and watch it. If you can’t make a video, sit in front of the mirror and watch yourself. What do you think? Does it seem insincere? Ask a few friends what they think and get their input (male friends are best, but any friend with an honest opinion will do.) 2. Grab a few men’s magazines and study the pictures of the guy’s smiling/ smirking. And try a few of the smiles out yourself. Show them to others, record yourself, preferably men. It’s a great conversation starter “You gotta help me work on my smile/smirk. I have four I want to try out on you. Tell me what you think.” 3. Own the smirk and continue practicing it every night. Each time you brush your teeth, smile at yourself. 4. Let the world see your smirk. Smirk at 10 people each day and take notice of how they react. I guarantee this 1 small change will alter more than just the way you smile. It will alter the way you carry yourself and the way that men view you. Re-Framing I want you to start taking notice of how you talk to yourself and about yourself. Are you a positive person or a do you frame things negatively? Do your criticize yourself or judge yourself? Remember, you train people how to treat you and see you. If you can’t
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talk positive about yourself or to yourself, how is anyone else going to? So REFRAME your thoughts and the words you say outloud to describe yourself to others. Here’s How To Do It: When you notice yourself saying something negative, STOP, breath, and reframe what you have said to yourself or out loud. Just this simple action of noticing will help you tremendously. For example, let’s say you’re talking to your girlfriends over cocktails after work. Your best friend—that gorgeous bestie of yours who never seems to have trouble getting a boyfriend is telling you about her latest fight she had with her boyfriend, and immediately, you think, “I just don’t think I’ll ever meet an amazing guy like she has.” Stop. This is when re-framing needs to come in to play so that you can rewire your thinking, change up your internal dialog and think about yourself in a whole new way. Stop your negative, critical, and demeaning thought in its tracks. Take a deep breath, and tell yourself—“Let me rephrase that. I am beautiful. I’m a catch. I’m unique. I have a great sense of humor. I’m an amazing woman that any guy worthy of me would be lucky to have.” WARNING: At first this will definitely feel strange, but that’s only because most things feel strange before they become a habit. Slowly these negative thoughts will start to decrease and you will start speaking more positively and kindly to yourself which will make people like you more.
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Why? Because when you’re good to yourself, positive and treat your body, mind and soul kindly, you will project an energy that no one will be able to resist! The Groove Method I want you to get really comfortable with being uncomfortable to a point where you literally say, “Screw it! I don’t care. I’m just having fun.” I’m sure you experienced this feeling before, because I know I have and I still do. It usually happens when I am in the car alone and I start singing to the radio at the top of my lungs. Then suddenly I have a flash of reality come in. People can see me. I tense up and I have two choices: 1. I can pretend I was not singing and fidget with something to cover it up, OR: 2. I can say “Fuck it and keep singing my heart out cause I’m having fun”. That little moment of doubt is what I want you to focus on for this exercise. That moment where you say to yourself this is awkward, they can see me and I know they’re judging me. But usually they can’t see you and their not even watching you. The real truth of the matter is it’s you judging you, not anyone else. It’s time to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. It’s time to get a little bit fierce, a little bit bold, and a little bit in love with all parts of yourself you used to turn away from, criticize or badmouth. You’re going to have to teach yourself to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. If you can’t be comfortable with being uncomfortable with
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yourself, how are you ever going to overcome discomfort with the opposite sex? Think about this—let’s say a sweet, attractive guy walks over to you and begins to generate a conversation out of thin air. Do you think he is comfortable? Not a chance. He’s extremely uncomfortable. He’s nervous. And his hands may even be shaking out of nervousness (that’s why he keeps his hands inside his pockets) but he does it anyways, because he knows that if he doesn’t take a chance on you—the amazing woman you are that he just spotted with the killer ‘smirk’ and approachable, positive vibe—he’ll never get the chance to find out who you are, and how ridiculously happy you’re about to make him. So now it’s your turn! There are two places you can do this assignment: - At home alone - In the car Move the furniture out of the way and crank up that music. It’s time to have a solo dance party! I did this when I was recovering from my stroke. My stroke left half of my body weaker than the other. So when I danced, one slide was slower than the left. This stopped me from dancing for a long time, because I felt embarrassed. So one night, I turned off the music and said to myself, I’m just going to let myself go and dance for me. Immediately, I felt that uncomfortable ping, then I
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looked in the mirror, smiled and continued pushing myself—to feel uncomfortable, but to go through the motions and do it anyways. I danced for 3 hours that night, and it didn’t kill me. Feeling uncomfortable wasn’t a fixed, permanent state because the longer I danced, the more “normal”, or comfortable it became. I want you do the same. Push past that discomfort point and say screw it! At home—dance with yourself and throw your body into the dance. Push past the discomfort, laugh at yourself and learn to enjoy being uncomfortable and then moving past it. This is an awesome exercise to do daily, and will give you just the type of fun, confidence and energetic vibe that attracts everyone to your life that you could ask for! In the car—sing your heart out and enjoy it! If someone looks at you, look back at them and show him how much fun you are having. Give them the ‘smirk’! Wave hello. And if you dare, sing while looking dead on in their eyes. Trust me, they’ll wish they were in your shoes (and if you’re lucky, your audience will be a cute, single guy who will sing right back to you!) When you’re yourself—someone who goes outside of their comfort zone, loves life and is carefree, you’ll always attract the one—or even better, multiple ones! Push past the discomfort and say fuck it! It’s liberating, and its life changing.
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What Animal Are You? This next exercise is one I like to call “Erika’s Animal Persona”. Erika is a woman I met, when I spoke at an event for women in NYC and informed me of a quick tool she provides women, on how to quickly achieve confidence in every situation. She selects an animal for each woman and provides the attributes to each animal for quick recall. Before going out, or in a moment of doubt, you act out your animal persona and are able to quickly re-find your confidence and stable state. It sounds strange, but trust me—it’s a highly effective exercise I recommend for all of my clients! So, for example if you want to have the confidence to talk to that cute guy who always seem to be working out at the gym when you’re there, think about a lion. What attributes does a lion have? A lion is assured. A lion knows exactly what he’s hunting. A lion checks out his environment, and with a devoted strength, goes for it without any doubt that he’ll achieve (or in this case, you’ll achieve) what he set out for. Here’s What I Want You To Do: 1. Select an animal of your choosing. 2. Write down the animal on a piece of paper, as well as the attributes. 3. Before you go out this week, practice owning your animal persona in the mirror. Let it get into your body, your mind and your face.
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4. Write it down on a piece of paper so that if you need it when you are out, you can use it! 5. Have fun with it. Use this exercise as the perfect training ground for your love life. Don’t be embarrassed but just have fun learning about yourself, exploring your own confidence and discovering what works! There are so many amazing, awesome guys out there but it takes dropping your guard, knowing what you want, and making yourself approachable to find them. But I promise, when you actively practice these exercises, give yourself a three strike rule when it comes to dating, and remember that as a woman, he doesn’t work the same way you do, you’ll find just what you’re looking for!
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Section Recap • Stop focusing on the false idea that there are no ‘good guys’ out there. Open yourself to the possibility of meeting a great man by focusing on obvious signs of body language and verbal cues he can understand and respond to! • At all costs, avoid interrogating him or giving him an ultimatum—and instead, take your time getting to know someone for who they are. He’s simple, and will show you who he is if you take it for face value. • If men aren’t approaching you, it means that you’re accidentally turning him off – uncross your arms, smile, and show excitement for your life (those are all biological turn-ons for him!)
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Chapter Four: Putting Practice into Perfection! If you’ve read this book page by page, then give yourself a pat on the back. You’ve come a long way, and now you’re prepared to leave behind how you used to think about men into someone who knows all about them. The best part of all is, you’re not just a smart and confident woman that will attract a man based on what he wants—you’re now the woman that will attract him based on what he needs. Reading the previous three chapters, now you know…. …that when you send a text message to your boyfriend while discussing your strategic plan for the upcoming quarter with your boss via conference call (and you don’t get a text immediately back from your guy), getting upset, frustrated or cynical at the opposite sex won’t solve anything…because that’s not how men work. He can’t multitask as well as you can. And chances are, he doesn’t know how important getting that text back from you really is (so let him know when the time is right.) Now you know that if a guy comes up to you while you’re sitting in your office, as you talk to your best girls during lunch, or while walking on the treadmill at your gym and he seems awkwardly uncomfortable, it’s because you’re beautiful enough to get nervous over (so take it as a compliment…) and while you’re at it, commit to a ‘three-strikes-and-you’re-out’ rule instead of cutting off
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a guy at first glance (or first stutter!) Help him out with his approach because the possibility of rejection is enough to put him into panic mode. Help ease his comfort by keeping the conversation going. Is he asking you question after question, and so much so, that you feel like you’re in an interview? He’s nervous. So help him through his approach by telling him right off the bat who you are, what you’re into, and by asking him what he loves to do. Help him find a possible connection between the two of you, and allowing him to enjoy the moment as it is. When you commit to being as open minded as possible, then you leave yourself open to the many possibilities of meeting Mr. Right! Now you know that being a ‘date shredder’ will only keep you lonely and frustrated in a mindset that’s convinced there are “no good guys left.” When you spend time focusing on yourself, learning what your priorities, deal breakers and desirable personality traits are in a man, you’ll undoubtedly encounter the opportunity to show him your best, most positive self (while learning that those amazing guys are everywhere!) Now you know where the kooky, strange, and frustrating male behavior comes from, and instead of putting all of your energy into wondering when he’ll take
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your relationship to the next level, or why he tends to watch the game instead of talking to you, put your energy into those ‘attraction triggers’ of his—your natural ‘glow’ when you smile, your feminine nature, your sexy curves, your positive energy and the way you make him feel desired by you when you touch his arm or lovingly steal a kiss from him no matter who is watching. (Everything else is about communicating your needs.) Now you know that in order to have a meaningful, exciting, and satisfying relationship with a man, you have to understand men. And just like a brain surgeon has to go to medical school, become a resident and pass her medical board exams in order to operate on one—you too, have to learn all about men in order to ‘get them’, to be happy with them, and to land your ‘happily ever after’! Lastly, you know that you’re no longer going to date a man (or if you’re in a relationship with one, deal with your boyfriend or husband) by rolling your eyes, acting passive aggressive or picking fights over the things and attitudes he’s hardwired to act, think and be turned on, or turned off to…because now, after gaining the insight and exercises found in this book, you know what so few other women know! Now you know that those things that have driven you crazy about men in the past are pointless, because those things you want from him (“Just tell me how you feel,” or “Seriously! Is sex always on your brain?”) are the things you want him to have and feel. Just think about a relationship in which the guy you were with wasn’t turned on to you and not thinking about sex all the time—there would be something
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wrong, right? Of course there would be! You’re no longer willing to repeat the dating mistakes of your past—and you won’t—especially when you take into account everything this book has taught you about expectations, confidence and the ‘approach’ (and your responsibility with it!) When it comes to your life, there is nothing more powerful than owning who you are, knowing what you’re looking for and totally and completely opening yourself up to the possibilities of love—no matter how or when it shows up!
Make This Move, Not That Mistake (For Singles, Only) Naturally, I didn’t want to give you all of this (priceless!) information and then throw you under the bus. So this final chapter is devoted to a few clear cut examples of classic approach and relationship scenarios, and what to do in each scenario to turn those things that went wrong, into things to do that’s right (and attract Mr. Right to you, indefinitely!) Scenario #1: The Guy Standing in Line at Starbucks Behind You (Who is Desperately Trying to Get Your Attention!) Every morning on your way to work, you can’t possibly think about your hectic
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day before walking into your neighborhood Starbucks—which is the same thing Mr. Wonderful thinks, too. For the second day in a row, the same cute guy with the quirky sense of humor tries making conversation with you. The problem is, you’re so busy updating your Facebook status on your iPhone that you miss his flirtations. He’s standing behind you, and when you dropped your receipt as you wait for your double tall latte, he picks it up. He makes bold eye contact with you, and smiles. “Oh, a double tall latte. That’s my order too,” and smiles again. You dismiss his smile and think, “He probably smiles like that at everyone,” and not knowing what else to say to you, he leaves. Then you leave, thinking, “Hope I bump into him again. He had a nice smile.” Do This Instead… That guy with the nice smile is the ‘rule’, not the exception which is seeing a beautiful woman that he wants to talk to, but not quite sure how. So, the next time a guy hands you your receipt that’s fallen to the ground, or makes conversation with you in a store, in a park or at your favorite coffee shop, don’t assume he is chatty like this to everyone. Don’t assume he smiles and holds his eye contact to an eighty year old grandmother the same way he does with you. Chances are, it’s the way you hold yourself, the positive vibes you’re giving out and your smile that’s motivating him to say hi. So, take it as the optimal opportunity to invite him to ‘keep it up!’ by
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introducing yourself. ‘Announce the elephant’ in the room by telling him he’s making your nervous or make a joke about how he orders the same drink as you and keep the flirtation going. When you do, it will be the best way to start your day (because sometimes a latte just isn’t enough!)
Scenario #2: Meeting Him in Person For the First Time (and He Doesn’t Look Like His Picture) This is a classic ‘date shredder’ situation—the funny, charming and amazing guy you instantly ‘connected’ with on an online dating site has just met you at your favorite Italian restaurant, which you’ve been waiting all week for. The problem is, he doesn’t look much like his picture. Or, he would look like his picture, if this was 1998. He notices you right away, and he should because you uploaded and sent him your favorite photo of you and your dog that was taken last month. He smiles, walks over to you and gives you a hug. “Stacy? Great to finally meet you!” You smile, a little baffled at his receding hairline that you didn’t expect, and his height, which didn’t quite meet your expectations either. He’s unaware that you’re disappointed. You’re unaware of anything he’s talking about (his past experiences with online dating, his job, his dog) because you can’t stop thinking about his male pattern baldness.
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The thing is, you missed all of the good stuff that could have happened on the date—stimulating conversation, discovering common interests and possible flirtation (which is what first dates are all about, anyways!) You go home early that night, blaming it on a stomach virus that “all of a sudden came on!” and when he calls you two days later for a second date, you screen his call and wonder where all the “decent guys have gone.” Do This Instead… If you’re online dating, and you’ve sparked an interest in a guy who seems like a catch—his emails make you laugh, his looks gorgeous in his picture, and his athletic body drives your libido up a notch) proceed with an open mind. Online dating can be tricky, but done the right way, it can be the perfect platform to meet an amazing, sweet and interesting guy. Implement a threestrikes-and-you’re-out rule (no matter how well you think you know someone online) so that offline you won’t blow a chance to get to know the real him— live, and in person! Lainie’s Story A while back, a woman named Lainie (who I had worked with in the past) had a dating experience that I want to share with you. She had spent a lot of time reading the materials I wrote which are in my programs (for men) and afterwards, felt empowered by her new-found knowledge of men and how they work.
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When you read her story, you’ll see that men get tons of advice as to how to act and what to say to women from other men. A lot of the time they get bad advice, and more than you think, they get horrible advice! As a result of this bad advice on what turns women on, attracts them and gets them into bed, men end up hiding who they are out of fear that it won’t turn a woman on. Lainie’s Online Dating Experience I recently met a man on Match.com because I wanted to meet different types of men and break some of my old patterns that clearly are not working for me (spending time with Marni and talking to her on the phone about men, my ‘patterns’ and attitudes that were preventing me from meeting the ‘right’ guy had something to do with that!) Not many of my ‘matches’ were catching my interest but one man did, who I’ll call ‘Peter’. Peter was my type—tall, blue-eyed, and a boyishly handsome older guy with a conservative job. He had some conservative outlooks on life, but funny and eccentric like me, and sexy. Peter and I talked online for a few weeks and it seemed like we had a lot in common. When I asked him what he was looking for with online dating, he went on a long speech about all the women he met, what they looked like, how old they were, and how it ended. It didn’t offend me but it didn’t make me feel wanted or that I was anything ‘special’. Plus, he didn’t actually answer the question. It felt like he was
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bragging, and also complaining about the female race. Then he asked me if I was free on New Year’s so he could check me out and “kick the tires.” I did have plans on New Year’s with friends, and I told him this. I also told him what I thought of his lengthy descriptions of his love life and wasn’t sure if he was truly interested in me and who I showed him I was at this point. Peter surprised me with a phone call that night and he said, “I’m sorry I talk too much sometimes without thinking. I am very interested in you. I think you’re pretty and smart and we like a lot of the same things. I would love to meet you and take you out. I think we would have a good time!” I immediately called up my Winggirl, Marni, and she said she was proud at how I handled Peter, and was even more delighted when I told her that we were going out for the first time that Saturday night to a cigar bar, followed by dinner. I realized in the past I would have either smart-mouthed the guy and alienated him without thinking, or I wouldn’t have bothered with him at all. But I didn’t do either and after another phone conversation where he told me he went to his Godfather’s memorial service the same day I went to my Uncle Freddy’s funeral and the connection was stronger than ever, I realized it right then and there—what men really want is for women to nicely but assertively tell them what they want. They also want to know what we don’t want. And knowing what we like and
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don’t like is a big plus too. When we do this, we’re helping them out, and making their job a whole lot easier. In a nutshell, we’re taking the pressure to be a mind reader off of their plate. So, if he doesn’t care what you like and don’t like after you’ve told him, then great. He’s an asshole, and the both of you can move on in different directions. BUT—if he cares and listens to what you say and is open and willing to making you happy, then you’ve just closed the gap to the guessing game, the drama, and the unnecessary heartache.
Make This Move, Not That Mistake (For Those in a Relationship) For all of you ladies in a relationship with a terrific, amazing, sweet and thoughtful guy, and you want to escape those relationship pitfalls that cause heartache, confusion and trouble in paradise, here’s the big one—a classic trouble spot (that so many of us are guilty of!) that will allow you to see what you’re prone to doing, and how to make it right so that he always feels loved and desired by you.
He Wants More Sex, You Want More Affection This is the classic male/female debate, which is why sometimes it’s easy to think: with all the differences between men and women, it’s pretty amazing we can actually co-exist! Men are physical, while women are emotional. So, what happens when you get frustrated by your boyfriend or husband
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because it feels like you haven’t connected with him all week, and the only time he’s giving you the attention you crave is during the act of sex? Here’s the classic play by play (that most women get wrong): You come home after a long day of work, and your boyfriend is watching the game—a game you’ve forgotten about (and that he’s been looking forward to all week.) You make dinner while he watches the game. You eat dinner (while he watches the game) and while you try to initiate some sort of verbal dialog while chowing down on your killer tacos, he’s not able to break away from the game to connect and converse with you like you want. By the end of dinner, you’re fuming. You give him the silent treatment, and go to bed angry (while he has no idea why you’re upset and certainly doesn’t know how to fix it.) Do This Instead… Refrain from thinking to the past, and all those times you had dinner made after a hard day of work at the office and he was focused on something else. Remember—he’s not a mind reader. Even if this situation has happened before, he’s not hardwired to be tapped into the emotional needs of a woman, because that’s not how men work. If he seems engrossed in the game, make your move when the commercials come on. Tell him how you’d love to hear about his day, and ask if this is an
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important game, or if he’s ok to record it and watch it a bit later on that night. If he looks at you like a deer caught in headlights, then you have your answer. This is an important game, so clearly let him know that as important of a game this is to him, it’s that important to you that the two of you have some time to be together afterwards. (He may be thinking of sex when you say that, and you may be thinking conversation, but that’s ok—with any luck, you can have both!) It’s so important that in order to have a great relationship with a man, you have to understand a man—what he wants, what he needs and how to best communicate your needs to him in a way he’ll understand. He doesn’t think like you do, which means from his point of view, he’s not thinking, “As soon as she comes home, I’m going to get up, help her make dinner and turn off the game.” What he may be thinking is, “I’ve been looking forward to that game all week!” Period. It doesn’t mean he wants to be with you any less, and it doesn’t mean he isn’t totally thankful for the meal you prepared, or the relationship he’s in. Don’t get trapped in that way of thinking, because you’re woman. You’re emotional, and connection-inclined, and that’s not how men work. So now you know. Now you have the tools to make your relationship—either present or future— the most mind blowing, amazing, romantic and satisfying one ever. That’s because deep down, those things you already possess (confidence, femininity,
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a positive way of looking at the world and yourself ) is enough for him. He’s simple (it’s us that complicate things!) All he asks for is that you take him for what he is, and take the relationship where it goes without pressure, nagging or ultimatums along the way. Enjoy every bit of the process, because getting to know a great man who is worth the ride, will make you want to go through those ups and downs, and handle the unexpected and the surprises with him—no eye rolling, no silent treatment, no bullshit. Amazing men are all around you, so open your eyes and take a look. Treat the guy you’re with as you would want him to treat you. Expect the ‘amazing’ around every corner, and that’s just what you’ll find because…when you understand what men really want, and why they do the things they do, your entire relationship with them will change and become better than you ever thought it could be. Your Insider,
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