Text Your Ex Back: A Step-by-Step Guide and Implementation Manual
Michael Fiore
www.textyourexback.com
c by Michael Fiore and Digital Romance, Inc. All Copyright 2011 rights reserved. Reproduction and distribution in any way, shape, or form is forbidden. No part of this manual or its accompanying audio and/or video material shall be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any other means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise without prior written permission from the author. If you have questions, email
[email protected]. Copyrighted materials cited in this course are reproduced here for educational purposes only under fair use provisions of U.S. Copyright law. This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information with regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the author is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting or other professional advice. If legal advice or other professional assistance is required, the services of a competent professional should be sought. Michael Fiore and Digital Romance, Inc. individually or corporately, do not accept any responsibility for any liabilities resulting for the actions of any parties involved. 1
CONTENTS
Contents Introduction
3
The Magic of Texting
6
Before You Text
9
Core Concepts and Marching Orders
20
The Text Your Ex Back Step-By-Step System Revealed
27
Getting Started: “Across The Bow” Texts
36
“Best Of The Relationship” Texts
44
“Intimacy Booster” Texts
49
The Green-Eyed Monster Text
51
Emotional Honesty Texts
54
Using Texts To Turn Your Ex On
63
From “Virtual” To Physical
68
Dating Your Ex
71
Final Thoughts
73
2
INTRODUCTION
Introduction (a.k.a. why this guide exists and how it’s going to help you) OK, deep breath. If you’re reading this guide, you’re probably hurting right now. Heck, you probably feel like your heart got ripped out and stomped on, and that the pain you’re feeling will never go away. The good news is that I’m here to help. In this program I’m going to lay out a step-by-step process that will show you how to use simple text messages from your cell phone to rekindle the romance with your ex, open him or her up to the idea of being with you again, and get things off on the right foot as you start dating each other. Am I GUARANTEEING that you’ll be able to get your ex back using this guide? Nope. It’s totally possible that after reading through this material and starting to put it into action you’ll decide you don’t WANT to be with your ex anymore, and that the sneaky tricks and relationship hacks I teach you here will be better used with someone else in the future. But what I WILL guarantee is that after you go through this training you’ll have a much deeper understanding of why your relationship ended, how the romantic and sexual mind of your ex actually works, and how you can consciously create the relationship you’ve always dreamt
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INTRODUCTION
of by “tuning” the way you think about love, sex, and romance, all while tapping out a few simple messages with your thumbs. Sounds whacky, I know. But you’re going to be blown away when you see how well it works.
Who The Heck Am I And Why Should You Listen To Me? My name is Michael Fiore (you can call me Mike), and for the last couple of years I’ve been carving out a weird little niche celebrity teaching average people just like you to use text messages and other modern technology to improve their relationships. (I also teach stuff that has nothing to do with texting, but the “push button” nature of texting is so cool that I can’t stop talking about it.)
Who This Course Is For (And Who It’s Not For) Just to spell this out . . . This course is for you if you legitimately miss and appreciate your ex, feel like you’ve got a real connection, and feel like the reasons you broke up are things you can resolve, accept, or move past. This course is not for you if . . . well, let’s just be blunt about this . . . This course isn’t for you if the only reason you want your ex back is for your own vanity and ego. As you go through this material you’ll figure out that some of what I teach you is pretty manipulative. I use a lot of human psychology to re-awaken your ex’s attraction and help him or her “decide” they want to give you another shot. It’s powerful stuff, and I want you to use it for good. If you want to use it for evil, I’d really prefer you delete this guide from your hard drive and we not have anything to do with each other again. If you’re abusive (emotionally or physically), a serial cheater who can’t be honest (if you want to sleep with multiple people, own up to it), or, well, an asshole . . . I’d rather you go the hell away and leave your ex in peace.
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INTRODUCTION
If your ex was abusive, either emotionally or physically, that’s also a different story. In that case you should NOT be trying to get back together with them in any way, and you should find a qualified counselor or therapist to help you put the pieces of your self esteem back together properly. I’m totally serious here. Got it? OK, let’s move on . . . Sit back and read through this WHOLE thing (I worked hard to keep it as short and action-focused as possible) before you start to work the program. This will take some time. I’m sorry to say it, but there’s no “magic bullet” here. There’s no one text that I can give you that will change your ex’s mind in ten minutes and have you back in romantic la-la land. But if you go through this program and do what it says, you’ll learn a ton. You will come to terms with your own emotions around your ex, and you will have a REALLY good shot at getting the romance and connection you miss back in your life. I’d love to hear from you about your experiences with this material. If you have a testimonial, a question, or suggestions for something else you’d like to see in the Text Your Ex Back program, shoot an email to
[email protected]. Congratulations on making the decision to invest in this program and in your relationship. I can’t wait to hear about your results. Yours,
http://www.textyourexback.com
5
THE MAGIC OF TEXTING
The Magic of Texting (The Secret Path To Your Ex’s Subconscious Mind) First things first. When you heard “Text Your Ex Back,” you probably guffawed a little bit, or choked on your soup, and said “yeah, right. I’ve tried EVERYTHING to get my ex back already. How can TEXT MESSAGES do the trick?” But the fact is that these days TEXTING is the most direct and personal method we have for intimately communicating with each other. Your average teenager sends 300 or more texts PER DAY (and has giant, swollen thumbs that can crush an average man’s skull). Even adults say that their actual “talking time” on the phone has radically declined since unlimited texting became standard on mobile plans. Most people these days are ADDICTED to their cell phones, trust their phones more than they trust their friends, and would rather bathe in battery acid than go through a week (or a day . . . or 20 minutes) without being able to check their mobile. Since your ex likely suffers a horrible panic attack if she or he leaves the house without their cell phone, they open up a huge window for you to seduce them back into your life, one text at a time.
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THE MAGIC OF TEXTING
Why Is Texting So Effective At Helping You Get Your Ex Back? Bullet point time . . . • Texting is PRIVATE and INTIMATE. As I teach in my Text the Romance Back (www.texttheromanceback.com) and Text Your Wife into Bed (www.textyourwifeintobed.com) programs, texting is the perfect way to create a private and intimate world between you and the man or woman in your life. For women in particular, texting can end up being a fun “game” where they can do or say anything (even things they would NEVER do in the “real” world). • Texting is NONCONFRONTATIONAL. Odds are your relationship ended on a heated note. I don’t know WHY you and your ex broke up, but there was probably at least one (if not a few dozen) big fights. Done properly (the way I’m going to teach you), texting is simple and subtle. You can slowly feed your ex tested and proven messages and ideas without the risk of either one of you flying off the handle, falling back into old and destructive patterns, or throwing plates at each other. • Texting lets you build intimacy, attraction, and desire ON YOUR OWN TIME and by “remote control.” You and your ex are both busy people (especially if you have careers, dogs, kids, video game addictions . . . you know, important stuff to deal with). With texting, you can reestablish attraction and create your new relationship on your own time frame. (And you are creating a NEW relationship. I’ll talk about that more in a bit.) • Texting lets you CONTROL THE TONE and establish what kind of conversation you want to have. This is probably the most important part. With texting, you can STOP and THINK about what you want to say to your ex at each step of the way. Instead of reacting emotionally, you can take your time, figure out the right thing to say (I’ll give you most of it), and be strategic with your ex without saying something that you’ll regret.
Remember, we’re taking Baby Steps here. Your goal isn’t to have “one more night” with your ex, or to trick your ex into getting back with you only to have the whole thing blow up in your face again because nothing has changed and you still have the same problems and arguments as before. Your goal is to slowly wear away the reasons you and your ex broke up, address the objections he
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THE MAGIC OF TEXTING
or she may have to getting back together with you, remind them of the profound attraction that brought you together in the first place, and forge a powerful new base for your relationship . . . all at the push of a few buttons. It takes some time, but the results are VERY worth it. Let’s get cranking.
8
BEFORE YOU TEXT
Before You Text: Why Did You Break Up And What’s Your Ultimate Goal? Before you start laying the groundwork for getting your ex BACK, you need to do a little prep to make sure you really understand why you broke up in the first place and what you’re ultimately trying to accomplish. FILL THIS SECTION OUT AS COMPLETELY AS POSSIBLE. We’ll use the material later. It’s important that you’re as honest as possible here. If you lie to yourself about why you and your ex broke up, what the “deal-breakers” in your relationship were, or what your real goals are in getting back together, then you’re going to be VERY disappointed when you pull the trigger and send your first couple of texts. OK? In this section we’ll talk about why you and your ex broke up and what the “conversation” in your ex’s mind is about you. You will get the “fuel” you need to put your plan into action, using simple text messages to seduce her or him back into your life, and ideally have them think it was their own idea.
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BEFORE YOU TEXT
We’ll also cover some important CORE CONCEPTS and INNER GAME stuff that will make the whole “Text Your Ex Back” process go much, much smoother.
Why Did You And Your Ex Really Break Up? Let’s play a little “choose your own adventure” here. Pick the option that fits your relationship, read through it, and then do the exercise at the end of the section. Option 1: Your Ex Broke Up With You. Ah, you got dumped. Sorry to hear it, but all is not lost. The first thing is to figure out WHY your ex broke up with you. I don’t mean the reason they SAY they broke up with you, but the actual reason why. That’s going to require some painful honesty and some self analysis, but it’s worth it. Your ex may have lied about the actual reason he or she broke up with you. If they did, it was probably because they didn’t want to be “mean” or hurt your feelings. We all lie to each other a little bit in relationships. (You shouldn’t lie about the big stuff, but brutal honesty on a day-today basis can really mess up a good relationship. Your spouse doesn’t really need to know what goes through your head when you eye the cute waiter or waitress.) Here are some typical reasons your ex may have given you why they broke things off. If I don’t cover the EXACT reason you and YOUR ex broke up, fill in the form below with the correct information. • “It’s not you, it’s me.” This is a “white lie” softener that your ex used to dull the pain when he or she broke things off with you. There probably wasn’t any maliciousness in it. If your ex gave you this line or some other vague reason for breaking things off, it probably means they simply weren’t feeling attracted to you anymore (we’ll address that later), were bored in the relationship, or weren’t getting their sexual or emotional needs met (sexual incompatibility can send even a great relationship to an early graveyard). They possibly don’t even know themselves why they broke things off. (“It just doesn’t feel right.”) • The relationship is not moving “forward.” It’s stereotypical, but you’ll hear this one most often from women (especially women in their early- to mid-thirties who have the “biological clock” ticking
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BEFORE YOU TEXT
like crazy in the back of their heads). If your ex got to the point where they broke things off because you weren’t moving forward together, it can actually be good news. It means they’re still attracted to you and see potential in you, but are frustrated by a certain level of Peter Pan’s “child who won’t grow up” that they see going on. Your job is going to be to convince your ex that you’re ready to bring things to the “next level,” whatever that might be, or to convince them that it’s not time to go to that level yet. • Feeling “nagged” or unappreciated/Can’t “relax” in the relationship. I certainly see this one a lot. Dr. John Gottman (who’s an AMAZING relationship researcher at the University of Washington) says that contempt is the number one indicator of whether or not a relationship will stand the test of time. And one of the biggest ways men and women show contempt for each other is by constantly nagging and criticizing. If in the past you were constantly criticizing your ex, measuring them against an unattainable ideal, or focusing more on their flaws than on their positives, you’re going to have to learn to accept your ex for who they are and rebuild a lot of trust and self esteem. I recommend you read Dr. Gottman’s work and take it to heart. You can learn more at http://www.gottman.com. • “I met someone else.” The grass is always greener, huh? Finding out the person you love is with someone else can feel like getting stabbed in the gut (believe me, I know). It’s also completely possible that once they “settle in” with a new person, they’ll realize what a good thing they left behind. Your job here will be to put your best face forward, be as unbothered by what’s happened as possible, and slowly open the door to reconciliation. • Betrayal/Cheating. I get a lot of emails about this one. If your ex broke up with you because of cheating, it’s PROBABLY because you cheated on him or her (though sometimes someone will cheat, realize they cheated because they wanted out of their existing relationship, and then pull the trigger). Actually, this is as good a spot as any to talk about WHY people cheat in the first place, and some basics about human psychology and evolution. When a guy cheats it almost never has anything to do with his wife or girlfriend. This is hard for women to get their heads around, but when a man cheats it often is for basic, unemotional reasons. He cheats because his testosterone is driving him towards that woman like a freight train and he thinks that he can’t help himself. I’m not saying guys SHOULD cheat (I firmly believe we should keep the promises we make), but if you’re a woman who’s
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BEFORE YOU TEXT
been cheated on, as much as it hurts, realize it probably had nothing to do with you. If the cheating was an isolated incident in an otherwise good relationship, it’s not an indicator that a relationship is doomed. (Tangentially, “open” or “semi-open” relationships can be very successful. But that’s another topic for another manual.) Women usually cheat for emotional reasons. When a woman cheats, it’s usually because she’s craving something she’s not getting in her relationship and life. A woman will cheat as revenge (“he cheated on me; I’m going to cheat on him”), because she’s mad at her man (“he never pays attention to me”), because the man she cheated with gave her attention she’s not getting from her husband or boyfriend, and sometimes, out of plain old-fashioned lust. There are exceptions to both rules. Sometimes women cheat “just because they can” and sometimes men cheat for deeply emotional reasons. Despite what you may have been told, humans are NOT evolved to be monogamous. This one can get me in trouble with readers, but most reputable science shows us that humans are NOT evolved to be with just one person sexually for our entire lives. If anything, we’re like Bonobo apes who have wild orgies at the drop of a hat. Now I’m NOT saying that YOU should be out there whoring it up, and I’m not condoning cheating. Personally, I’m in a very happy monogamous relationship. I am saying that damning your partner to hell for cheating is a lot like getting angry at them for breathing, eating food or sleeping. Humans are ALWAYS going to want and CRAVE sexual variety. The fact that we have brains and can choose not to indulge in that variety is what makes us human. But you’ll have a much happier relationship with your man or woman if you admit that (just like you) they’re human, make mistakes, and have desires and cravings they can’t always control. If your ex is (or you are) a serial cheater, however, all bets are off . . . that behavior brings up issues of honesty and respect, and most likely isn’t going to change. Take a long, hard look at what you really want out of a relationship. • “We don’t communicate.” Again, this is a common reason for a woman to break up with a man. I hear from women all the time who say “I just don’t know what’s going on in his head,” or “He never TALKS to me.” Later in this manual you’re going to learn some techniques to make “speaking your heart” to your ex a much simpler and less frightening experience. If you’re a woman, it’s also going to make it easier for you to speak in languages your man actually responds to.
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BEFORE YOU TEXT
• Stonewalling/ No reason given. Finally, your ex may not have given you ANY REASON AT ALL for breaking things off (man, that drives us crazy, huh?) Personally, I think that’s pretty immature on their part. In this case you’re going to have to do some internal detective work. With that in mind, answer these questions as honestly as possible: 1. What reason did your ex give you for breaking things off?
2. What’s the REAL reason you think the relationship ended? (Be honest here. What was at the real core of the end of the relationship? Ask yourself the question, dig deep, and the answer will come.)
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BEFORE YOU TEXT
3. Are you willing or able to address the real reason the relationship ended? (If you don’t want kids and your ex does, or vice-versa, that’s a pretty big deal breaker.) What actions are you willing to take in the relationship to address these problems?
Once you’ve answered these questions, move on to the next section. And if you were the one to break up with your ex, keep reading. Your questions are coming.
Option 2: You Broke Up With Your Ex And Now Want Them Back. Uh oh, you messed up. This actually happened to a friend of mine recently. He broke up with his girlfriend of two years because of his own fear of commitment. He dipped his toe briefly back into the world of being single, realized he was a fool, and then came to me begging for advice on how to get his woman back. She was licking her wounds, bitter and more than a little angry for the hell he’d put her through, so he had to work the system pretty hard. Again, it’s totally possible that the reason you told your ex you broke up 14
BEFORE YOU TEXT
with them and the REAL reason you broke up with them have about as much in common as peanut butter and nuclear weapons. That’s OK. Remember, we’re dealing with reality here. Just like we did for the readers who were broken up with, we need to create a nice, honest “map” of what happened at the end of your relationship and establish what’s going through your ex’s mind when they think of you. Here are some typical reasons you may have broken up with your ex but now want them back . . . • You thought you could do better (and now realize you’re wrong. Sucks, huh?) • You thought they betrayed you (but they didn’t. Jealousy can be ugly). • You just weren’t attracted to them anymore (but now are). • Heat of the moment/result of a big fight. • You cheated, or he/she cheated. (See the section on cheating a few pages back.) If you broke up with your ex and now want them back, answer the following questions as HONESTLY as you can. 1. Why did you break up with your ex? (The real reason. It might take some soul searching.)
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BEFORE YOU TEXT
2. What reason did you TELL your ex you broke up with them for? If it’s actually the REAL reason, that’s awesome. Hopefully you didn’t stonewall.
3. Is the reason you broke up with your ex something that you think can be addressed? Is it still a deal breaker, or is it something you can move past? If you can’t forgive your ex for being who they are, you’ll never be successful.
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BEFORE YOU TEXT
What’s Your BIG GOAL? I like to say, “You can’t hit the target until you paint it on the wall.” So now that we’ve got a clear picture of why your relationship ended in the first place, we’re going to paint a big fat bulls eye on the wall and figure out why you really want your ex back and what your goal is here. Again, no one has to see this material but you, but it’s important that you’re as honest with yourself as possible.
Question 1: WHY do you want your ex back? No, really, I mean it. And “because it hurts so much right now that I feel like I’m going to drown” isn’t the right answer. (OK, I guess it’s AN answer, but you want more than just that.) If I’m going to help you get your ex back, I want to make sure you’ve got a damned good reason for getting back together and are going to do everything you can to make that relationship work. Here are some answers I hear all the time: • “I want my ex back because we understand each other better than anyone else on this planet.” • “I want my ex back because, despite some bad times, we work really, really well together.” • “I want my ex back because I want my children to grow up in a whole family, AND I know we can be a positive, happy couple together.” • “I want my ex back because when I get around him/her I feel safer and more passionate than any other time in my life.” • “I want my ex back because I want someone to take care of me.” • “I want my ex back because I’m incredibly attracted to them.” • “I want my ex back because I don’t want anyone else to have them.” • “I want my ex back because of financial reasons.” Notice that some of these are pretty boring and maybe even a little dark. But they’re all HONEST and (in some way) LOGICAL as well as emotional. So don’t beat yourself up if your reasons for wanting to get back together seem a little less than “fairy tale romantic.” Just be honest with yourself here. Really think about your answers here, they’ll affect everything you do during the rest of this process.
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BEFORE YOU TEXT
Question 2: What’s your “Big Goal?” What do you actually WANT? OK, now that we know WHY you want your ex back, let’s paint a picture of what “getting them back” actually means. This is the big picture, “destroy the Death Star and live happily ever after” view of romance.) It’s totally possible (probable, actually) that your goal is going to change as time moves forward, but let’s figure out what you’re aiming for now. So here’s your question: In a PERFECT world, what would your relationship with your ex look like? Here are some example answers: • In a perfect world, my ex and I would live together, would spend as much time as humanly possible together, and would be respectful and passionate towards each other. • In a perfect world my ex and I would be “dating.” That means we see each other a few times per week, but still have plenty of time apart to live independent lives. We’d both still be seeing other people. • In a perfect world, my ex and I would be just like we were when we first got married 20 years ago. We’d be able to erase all of the built up BS around our relationship and really be a family for our two kids. While we’d sometimes have disagreements, we’d never resort to yelling or contempt. • In a perfect world, my ex and I would have sex one last time and it would be awesome. Again, no one is going to see this but you, so be as honest as you can. Also, know that your “perfect world” doesn’t have to be super realistic. It’s just important to know what the “Big Goal” is. If you get CLOSE to your big goal, you’re doing really well.
Question 3: What’s the “Baby Step” that would give you a chance of getting your “Big Goal?” You know WHY you want your ex back, and you know what your “Big Goal” is. Now you just need to know what that first tiny step will look like. For instance, if your “Big Goal” is to get your ex girlfriend to marry you and start a family together, your first “Baby Step” would be getting her to sit down to coffee with you.
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BEFORE YOU TEXT
Depending on how badly your relationship ended and what kind of relationship it was, you and your ex might be: • Not speaking at all • Seeing each other socially in a friendly way • Speaking and seeing each other only when you have to deal with the kids • Hanging out all the time but not being romantic • Still madly in love but not willing to make it work • Some combination of the above You need a “Shift Point” which would give you the chance to convert your relationship from where it is now one step closer to your “Big Goal.” Don’t be too ambitious here, but define one small thing that you want in the near term. Your “Shift Point” can be pretty damn small at this point. Write down your “Shift Point” to start things in the right direction. For instance, I’ve worked with people who say things like: • I want my ex to be able to have one conversation with me where neither one of us gets angry. • I want to have lunch with my ex so we can look each other eye to eye. • I want to make love to my ex again as quickly as possible because I know she’ll feel that bond again when we do. Whew! OK, now go on to the next page. We’ve got a LITTLE BIT more prep work to do.
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CORE CONCEPTS AND MARCHING ORDERS
Core Concepts And Marching Orders Before You Start To Text Your Ex Back Congrats! Just by answering the questions I’ve given you so far, you’ve taken massive steps towards getting your ex back and having a better relationship than you ever thought possible. We’re about to get into the actual “Text Your Ex Back” system (it’s a doozy), but before we do there are a few “Core Concepts” I need you to get deeply embedded in your mind. Some of this stuff might feel hard to accept at first (and some of it might fly in the face of what you’ve been told by pop psychologists, “romance” experts, relationship advice specialist and greeting card companies), but once you accept these concepts and really internalize them you’ll find the whole process of getting your ex back (or having a successful relationship with someone else in the future) is MUCH smoother.
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CORE CONCEPTS AND MARCHING ORDERS
Core Concept #1: Your Old Relationship Is DEAD (and it’s never coming back) This one might hurt a little bit. Your old relationship with your ex is DEAD (as a doornail, as communism in Russia, as Michael Jackson. It’s a dead parrot, mate.) The moment you or your ex officially broke things off (and maybe even BEFORE that), your relationship was led to the gallows and fed to a rabid shark. If you go into this process trying to “get your old relationship back,” you’re going to fail. You and your ex are both different people now than you were the last time you were together, whether that was two months ago or twenty years ago. (Human body cells replace themselves completely every few months, so I’m actually being literal here.) Instead of trying to recreate your OLD relationship (which probably ended for a reason), we’re going to try to create a NEW and BETTER relationship with your ex, hopefully without all the same hang ups and deal breakers you suffered through before. So really, the fact that your old relationship is dead is a GOOD thing. It means in a lot of ways you can wipe the slate clean and create the relationship (positive, sexy, fun) that you both deserve. Mourn your old relationship. Pour back your whiskey. Do a jig. Have a wake. Cry it out. And then get ready to birth something new and awesome.
Core Concept #2: Forgiveness Is Power Before we officially start this process you need to do two very important things. 1. You need to forgive your ex for whatever they may have said or done that led to your breaking up Plain and simple, FORGIVENESS IS POWER. As long as you hold a grudge against your ex, you’re giving them power over your life and your emotions. Now, I’m not saying you should forget the words
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CORE CONCEPTS AND MARCHING ORDERS
that were flung or the way he or she hurt you. But accept that it happens. We hurt those we care about the most. Let go of any need you might have for them to wholeheartedly apologize or give you recompense for what happened. Whether they SHOULD or not is immaterial. Right here, right now, you need to FORGIVE your ex for being human, for making mistakes, and for hurting you. Only then can you move on. 2. You need to forgive yourself. Honestly, this is even more important. Whether you were the dumper or the dumpee, if you want to get back together you’re probably beating yourself up, dragging yourself over the coals for “messing up” your relationship and playing the “woulda shoulda coulda” game in your head, trying to figure out where you went wrong or why you weren’t good enough. It’s time to stop. Just like your ex is a human being, full of frailties and desires they have no control over, so are you. If you cheated, you cheated. It’s not the greatest thing in the world, but it doesn’t mean you’re a monster. If you said some things you regret, it’s because you have emotions and you care. You may choose to apologize in the future, but first you need to get cool with yourself. There is NOTHING more unattractive in a person than self loathing and rock-bottom self esteem. If you don’t LIKE yourself and think POSITIVE thoughts about yourself, you’re never going to be able to work the system and have your ex eagerly coming back to you. So get your head up, dry your tears, look yourself in the mirror and say “I forgive myself.” Do this “Forgiveness Exercise” hundreds of times if you have to. Fake the smile for now, and eventually it’ll be real. And then play “The I Like Myself Game.”
The “I Like Myself Game” The “I Like Myself Game” is something I created several years ago when I was at a real low point. I’d just turned thirty, and even though a lot of things in my life seemed pretty great, I was miserable. No matter what I accomplished or what I did with myself, my self image was low and dirty and evil and cruel. And it wreaked havoc with my romantic life. I hated myself so much that I just couldn’t let a woman love me without wondering what the heck was going on in her head.
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It’s taken me years of work to re-jigger my self image to something awesome, but it’s been worth it. In my experience, the first time you play the “I Like Myself Game” it’s going to scare the living bejeezus out of you. In fact, a lot of people who TRY to play the “I Like Myself Game” the first time end up chickening out. They confuse “liking yourself” with “being arrogant” and go hide under the couch until the specter of positivity passes. So take a deep breath and get ready. Here’s all you have to do: Take out a blank piece of paper or fire up a blank document in your word processor of choice. (I like Pages on the Mac, but anything will do.) At the very top of the paper write “I like (YOUR NAME), I really do . . . ” (If you feel a little shot of panic doing this, that’s OK. Take another deep breath.) In the third person (“Mike is. . . ”), write out what you truly LIKE about yourself. Don’t edit yourself. Don’t apologize. Don’t use “wiggle words” or “neutralizers” like “I’d like Mike’s smile, but his teeth are kind of crooked” or “I like Mike’s brain, but I wish he was smarter.” Focus on the positives. Don’t qualify anything. Don’t worry about being immodest (modesty is noxious; I’m not a fan). Be honest: what do you REALLY like about yourself, and what do you think other people like about you, too? Examples of stuff you might like about yourself can include: • Personality traits: “I like Bob’s sense of humor. He can make a whole room laugh with a word.” • Physical traits: “I like Mary’s butt. It’s taken years of work, and she’s got an ass that draws stares when she walks down the street.” • Accomplishments: “I like how Jerry kept moving even when things got tough and graduated at the top of his class.” FILL THE WHOLE PAGE. Keep going no matter how hard it gets. The first time I did this exercise I had a panic attack, but now I can do it in my sleep. We’re going to do a variation of this exercise and use it later in our texts. So it’s SUPER IMPORTANT that you do it right. Just as an example, here’s a quick “I Like Myself Game” for me . . . I like Mike, I really do. I like his energy. It crackles off him like lightning, and when he focuses he can change the world through his sheer force of will. 23
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I like how Mike cares about people. I like that Mike goes out of his way to help the people in his life and thinks loyalty is the most important thing in the world. I like Mike’s smile. He’s got dimples and a naughty glimmer in his eye that makes you wonder what’s going on in his head. The first time you play this game, you’re going to feel like an egotistical git. That’s because our culture programs us to have low self esteem and low opinions of ourselves. Play it anyway. Write it out longhand if you can (though typing is OK, too. My handwriting is doctor-level bad, so I type everything). You don’t have to share this with anyone, but you can if you want. It’s a great game for a couple to play together, followed by a “What I Like About You” variation. Simply by focusing on the POSITIVES about yourself, you’re going to REPROGRAM your mind. Confident people and people who like themselves have better relationships. I really can’t harp on this one enough. So much of seduction, whether it’s with someone new or with someone you’ve been with in the past, is MENTAL. If you truly BELIEVE that you are someone your ex SHOULD be with, is BETTER OFF with, and will be HAPPY with, it’ll make your job so much easier.
Core Concept #3: You’re Single! DATE!! I know. Dating sucks. The meet market is a cold and horrible place, full of frightening people and bad music. But it can also be a lot of fun. And as painful as it sounds, one of the best ways to get your ex to notice you again is for you to go out, date, and actually HAVE FUN. I’m not saying you should hop into bed with a lot of people or get into a serious thing with somebody else (you shouldn’t). But I am saying that it’s VERY important for you to go out, date, and realize that you are an attractive and interesting person. By dating you’ll . . . • Raise your own self esteem. • Hone your “game” for when it’s time to go after your ex again (because you’re going to start at the beginning and DATE your ex again . . . not just fall into the same old pattern). • Learn to appreciate the good things you and your ex had. 24
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• Learn new tricks and ideas you can use in your relationship. • Become a better rounded and more interesting person. Also, dating lets you use a concept called “Social Proof.” I don’t have room to go into a ton of detail on this, but the core idea behind social proof is that human beings tend to emulate the action of what other human beings are doing. If a bunch of people are looking up and you walk by, you’ll probably look up. If you see enough testimonials in a diet ad from people saying they lost 400 pounds eating nothing but HoHos, you’ll be more likely to try the diet. And if enough OTHER people seem to find you attractive, interesting, and sexy, then your ex is more likely to do so, as well. (This is why I’m generally a proponent of “positive flirting” and “positive jealousy” even when you’re in a relationship. Another woman finding your man attractive actually reflects POSITIVELY on you, and vice versa.)
Core Concept #4: You WANT Your Ex. You Don’t NEED Your Ex. Neediness is a major turnoff. I talked about this is the “Forgiveness” section, but it’s worth repeating: if you want your ex back you really need to LIKE YOURSELF first. You need to think of yourself as a worthwhile person, a “great catch,” and someone your ex will be lucky to be with. Much of the work you’ve done so far is about figuring out WHY you want your ex back and what kind of great life you can build together. The key word there is “WANT.” You should WANT your ex back (otherwise why are you reading this?). But you shouldn’t NEED them. Before you start to “Text Your Ex Back,” spend some time with yourself. Join a gym. Eat better. Take care of yourself. Take up some hobbies. Get a better haircut. Only by loving yourself can you present yourself as someone your ex should love, as well.
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Core Concept #5: Only Fools Rush In Honestly, there’s not much in life you can’t learn from Elvis lyrics. If you and your ex JUST broke up a few days (or hours) ago, and you’re desperately trying to reignite the pilot light of your relationship, I’ve got some bad news for you. If you want REAL results with your ex, you’re going to have to wait. Plain and simple, if you just broke up, there’s too much “stuff” around your relationship for you to be able to enjoy each other yet. I recommend that you take at least ONE MONTH off from each other before starting to use the “Text Your Ex Back” system. And by “off,” I mean you completely cut contact. No phone, no texting, no hanging out, no email, no little notes left on his car overnight, no “accidentally” bumping into each other at a favorite hangout. OK, by saying that I may have scared the bejeezus out of you. You might feel like you NEED to see your ex NOW, or that if you don’t “strike while the iron is hot” you’re going to miss your chance to reignite that spark. And I totally understand that. Believe me, I’ve been there. I’ve felt that horrible anxiety rushing through my body and that overwhelming craving to see the woman I love, even though she doesn’t seem to love me anymore. But it’s imperative to the success of this program that you take your time and “do it right.” Remember, we’re not just trying to get you a “hook up” with your ex. We’re trying to create a powerful, positive relationship that you both get a lot out of for a long time to come. If you have kids and have to interact, that’s fine, but keep the interactions as SIMPLE and POSITIVE as possible. Don’t dig into your ex’s life. Don’t act needy. Spend time doing your homework, thinking about the relationship, dating other people (as weird as it might be), and biding your time until you can put your plan into action. Remember, 30 FULL DAYS of silence (more if you can handle it.) It’ll hurt now, but it’s worth it in the long term. We’re done with our prep work. So if you typed up your answers to the questions, print up your answers and keep them handy. Get a drink, settle in, and get ready to put the full “Text Your Ex Back” system into action.
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THE TEXT YOUR EX BACK STEP-BY-STEP SYSTEM REVEALED
The Text Your Ex Back Step-By-Step System Revealed “Start your engines.” If you checked the Table of Contents and jumped right to this chapter, go back and read the sections before this, ESPECIALLY the “Core Concepts.” If you want this to work, it’s also critically important that you answer the questions I laid out for you, so that you can explain WHY you want your ex back, what the “mindset” of your ex is around you, and what your goals are. Once you’ve done all of that, THEN it’s time to put the tested and proven “Text Your Ex Back” system into action. A couple quick notes about the following pages: • This system will work for you whether you’re male or female (and whether you’re dating a man or a woman), but you’ll have to adjust the psychology accordingly. I’ll show you in the text where you should be doing things differently.
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• This system is designed to build rapport and intimacy even when your ex and you aren’t spending any real time together. Eventually you WILL end up in the same room with your ex (they may even be the one who suggests it), and at that point you’ll have to be “off script.” For now, though, use the concepts and texts I give you and let me do the work. • Obviously I can’t write perfect texts for EVERY situation or EVERY person in the world (Wish I could.). If the specific language of what I give you or the formula I supply doesn’t sound quite right for you or your relationship, edit it and make it your own. I won’t be offended. The important part is that you FOLLOW THE STEPS that I give you and WORK THE SYSTEM. A couple “Pre Text Instructions:” • I said this in the last section, but it’s important: take some significant time off from your ex before you start this system. Wait a month at minimum, though you may want to go longer than that. It’s important that you have time to let the “rawness” of the break up dissipate before you go barreling back in. • Practice the “Forgiveness Exercise” I gave you in the last section. Do it daily if you have to and remember to forgive both yourself and your ex. It sounds kind of cheesy, I know, but it works. • Practice positive thinking about your ex. Try to banish the negative thoughts from the end of the relationship from your mind. • If you’re still in touch with your ex (because of kids, work, common friends, etc.) STOP using text messaging for “practical” stuff. Our goal is to create a “fantasy world” over text, and the best way to kill that buzz is to text about picking the kids up from school or taxes. If it’s impossible to stop talking about that stuff over text, keep the conversations as short and practical as possible. NO MATTER WHAT, you MUST refuse to go negative with your ex over text. If he or she starts a fight over text, REFUSE to continue the conversation in that medium, even if it makes your blood totally BOIL. Call instead. Meet in person if it makes sense, but keep texting as “virgin territory.” Let any negatives from your ex go for now. Simply ignore them, DELETE them from your phone right away and realize that the ANGER you’re getting from your ex really just shows that he or she cares. Hate is not the opposite of love; apathy is. If your ex keeps hammering you over text, simply send back a note saying something like, “I’m not willing to have this conversation without being able to look you in the eye. If you want to sit down and talk about it, let me know.”
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Another great way to cut a negative conversation short is to simply write “This is inappropriate.” and stop talking. You’ll be amazed at how well that one works.
“Text Judo” - The Cornerstone Of The “Text Your Ex Back” System What is “Text Judo?” Great question. “Text Judo” is the art of using your ex’s existing emotions “against them” in order to get the positive result you want. In regular Judo, a martial artist uses an opponent’s “strength” against him, redirecting a lunge or a punch, for example, so that the attacker ends up in a bruised and battered pile on the floor. A really good Judo practitioner at work is a sight to behold. A 5-foot-tall woman can throw a 6’4” linebacker around like a rag doll if the woman knows CONTROL while the linebacker knows nothing but POWER. Now, your ex is not your “enemy,” or this is not like combat, but the metaphor works. Since your ex is probably still feeling a lot of “hot” emotion around you, you’re going to use that emotion to our own advantage. Remember, your ex feeling ANY emotion towards you (even hate) is, in many ways, a GOOD thing. Apathy will kill any chance you have of getting back together with your ex, but any positive or negative powerful emotion can be transformed and guided using simple techniques I’m going to teach you. If your ex is angry at you, you can use that anger to ignite the spark of love that’s probably still buried deep down inside. If your ex is hurt by you, you can use that hurt to uncover the desire for acceptance and love that left him or her open to being hurt by you in the first place. And on and on and on. The key to “Text Judo” is to ACKNOWLEDGE the elephant in the room. If you come back into your ex’s life pretending that nothing ever went wrong in your relationship, it’ll blow up in your face. Instead you ACKNOWLEDGE the problem, give VALIDITY to your ex’s emotions (especially if you’re a man trying to win back a woman), and then translate
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those emotions into the feelings of warmness, closeness, and attraction that we’re trying to create. Sound complicated? It’s not. But it does require more “grist for the mill.” You need stories, emotions, and pieces of your relationship that you’ll use in your communication with your ex to focus your ex on positive thoughts about you, create your “fantasy world,” and drive them back into your arms.
Prepping The Shot (A Little Bit Of “Text Judo” Homework) Fill out the following questions before moving on to the next section. Like all the assignments, this is important, building organically on what we’ve done before and creating a foundation for what is still to come. Take the time, do the work, and you’ll be really happy with the results. Question 1: What were the POSITIVE aspects of your relationship with your ex? What were the things you had in common that drew you together? What was it about your relationship that you really loved and adored? What was it that made you guys really WORK as a couple? (Even when things started getting bad, there were probably things that drew you together.) Just to get the old creative juices flowing, here are a few possible categories that I hear all the time. You can beg, borrow or steal . . . Music - what bands did you both LOVE? Was there a particular kind of music that drew you together? Did you meet at a Phish concert? Are you both jazz freaks or metal heads? Politics - do you both hate the same ideas (strangely, that can be a real bonder for people)? Do you have similar ideas on how your country should be run? Do you have ideological or activist causes in common? Passions - what gets you both “humming like an 8-cylinder engine?” What do you both CARE about on a really passionate level? If you’re both part of PETA, that definitely counts. So does a general love of the outdoors, or a love of DIY projects. Religion - same ideas as above. Are you both devout Christians? Occasional Mormons? Lapsed atheists? Write down the commonalities of your faith.
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Sex - are you guys sexually compatible? Do you share fetishes? Sex is important, folks, and a good and compatible sex life is 100% critical to you having a life together. Kids - do you have kids together? If so, that’s a pretty big common interest. What is it about your kids that drives you together? What about your children do you both enjoy? (Oh, and if you bad mouth your ex in front of your kids, you’re a bad person. Don’t do that. Seriously.) Hobbies - what kind of hobbies did you share? Dancing? Theatre? Movies? Video games? Walking the beach with a metal detector? Do you both love travel? Do you both hate Dr. Phil? Whatever it is, get it all on paper in a big list. Be as exhaustive as you can be. Really think out the “stuff” that drew you together before, and that you think could draw you together again. Question 2: What are the BEST EXPERIENCES you and your ex ever had together? Now that we know what drew you together in the first place (besides pheromones . . . man, those things are powerful; I get within ten feet of my girlfriend and my brain turns off and I start slobbering like a cave man), now it’s time to list the BEST EXPERIENCES your ex and you ever had together. These should be the stories you’d tell your grandkids, and the stories that will crawl right into your ex’s unconscious to make them smile or laugh, almost despite themselves. These experiences don’t necessarily have to be “positive” in the traditional sense. As any war vet or survivor of a natural disaster knows, trauma has an incredible bonding effect on human beings, and “being in a foxhole” together makes lifelong friends (and sometimes lovers). These are the kinds of experiences I want you to list. Brainstorm freely for now. You can edit down to the really good stuff later. Your “Couple Origin Story” - This is the story of how you got together in the first place. It’s probably SUPER EMOTIONAL for both of you, because you were both feeling such intense attraction when it happened. Being able to bring that back up in your ex’s mind is very powerful. Adventures you shared - These are usually “one off” memories, like that trip to the Grand Canyon, the honeymoon in Hawaii, or the crazy weekend in Vegas. Just make sure the adventure was something you both look back on fondly, and not something your ex is going to get annoyed by. For example, if the car broke down at the
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side of the road and you spent hours yelling and screaming about it, you should probably leave that out. “Us Against Them” experiences - These are experiences where it felt like you and your ex were a “unit” and were really there for each other against a common enemy. (In-laws and parents make great common enemies, as long as it doesn’t seem like you are criticizing your ex’s family.) These can be a little complicated. Examples could be when you helped your ex get out of a sticky legal spot, when you stood up for your girlfriend as she was getting hit on by a guy, etc. Bonding Tragedies or Challenges - This is where you take a negative and make it a positive. Bonding tragedies or challenges are times when you and your ex really went through a tough experience together. For instance, the death of a family member, a natural disaster (“We were huddled in the dark for six hours together, waiting for the hurricane to abate”), a car wreck, a trip to Burning Man or some other hostile environment, boot camp, etc. Anything where it was HARD but satisfying and had a positive outcome. Romantic Experiences - Romantic memories might include the night you proposed or got married, a really romantic vacation at a spa, a time you surprised your partner with a day off or a trip, etc. Anything where it was really just the two of you enjoying each other without any outside interference. This could also be the moment you discovered you were in love or other emotionally heavy moments. (Side note: Did you know that science shows men are actually more romantically minded than women? Weird but true.) Family Experiences - These are the moments where you felt proud of your family or were really happy that your partner was there. The birth of a child, or your grandparents’ anniversary gathering. That time you thought your kids were threatened but they turned out OK. Positive Sexual Experiences - Ahh, sex. No matter how long you were together (or how bland things may ultimately have happened in the bedroom), I’m willing to bet you have some particular sexual experiences with your ex that you revisit in your fantasies again and again. And I’m willing to bet your ex does, as well. These should be moments when you felt particularly close to your ex emotionally, felt “out of control” physically, tried new things in the bedroom (with positive or at least goofy results), had the most amazing orgasm of your life, or otherwise ended up in a sweaty, happy pile together. Public sex experiences are great for this (the thrill of almost getting caught sticks in the unconscious for a long time). “Mundane” Experiences You Both Enjoyed - And finally, we’ve got the 32
THE TEXT YOUR EX BACK STEP-BY-STEP SYSTEM REVEALED
“mundane” experiences you and your ex used to enjoy. As a couple you undoubtedly had some “boring stuff” that you took comfort in doing together. For me and my girlfriend, it’s sitting around in our sweatpants, eating ice cream and watching “Glee” episodes on Hulu. (Yes, we’re geeks.) REMEMBER - no matter what the experiences are, they need to be things that BOTH you and your ex enjoyed. Don’t use stuff that was a point of huge contention between you and your ex here. Stay POSITIVE. Got it? Good. Right now, list as many of these positive experiences as you can. USE AS MUCH DETAIL AS POSSIBLE. Details are EVERYTHING when it comes to “reviving” past positive emotions. (Even details that are made up can do the job, oddly enough.) While you’re writing, also list out what the DOMINANT EMOTION around that experience with your ex is. What FEELINGS come up for you when you think of that experience? Question 3: How is your ex currently FEELING about your relationship? Ahh, emotion. Whether it’s been a few weeks (at least a month, I hope) or a few years since “the break up,” your ex probably still has some “hot” emotions around you and your relationship. And those emotions are going to IMMEDIATELY come up when he or she gets that first text from you. Depending on how negative those emotions are, you might have to alter your game plan to “soothe the savage beast” and slowly work your way back into their good graces.(How your breakup went should give you some good idea of how your ex is currently feeling about you. Did you break up in an angry fight? Or was it more of a slow death? What does that tell you about what’s going on in your ex’s mind and heart?) Write down the emotions your ex is currently feeling about you. • Anger? Why? What is that anger masking? What desires bubble below it? • Sadness? Why? • Self righteousness? Why? • Melancholy? Regret? Dread? Whimsy? Undoubtedly your ex has a whole “stew” of emotions around you, not all of them logical. Your goal here is to be as honest as possible about how he or she is feeling about you. This isn’t the time to lie to yourself. Lay it all on the table.
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Chances are, your ex is feeling some conflicting emotions (and you might be, too). The best example I ever had of “conflicting emotions” was when my grandfather, Rocco, died when I was thirteen. All my life my mom told me about what a horrible guy my grandfather was. He was an abusive alcoholic who treated my grandmother horribly, spent all his money on booze (instead of on helping his daughters), and squandered his intelligence and gifts. But then, at Rocco’s funeral, I watched my mom and her sister bawl their eyes out up at the lectern. At the time I was confused as hell. My mom hated her dad, so why was she crying? But when I got a little older I understood that love and hate are not opposites. In fact, to truly “hate” someone or to truly be angry at someone, you have to care about them a little bit first (and probably a lot). Emotions are complicated and in no way logical. It’s totally possible that your ex is holding two (or 3, or 12) seemingly conflicting emotions towards you all at the same time. What if you don’t know why your ex is reacting the way they are? Maybe you were completely blindsided by the break up. You thought things were fine until the hammer fell, and now you just don’t have any insight into your ex’s mind. I hear from folks all the time who thought their relationship was “perfect” (or at least pretty good) when their partner broke the news that things were over. If that’s the situation you find yourself in, you’re going to have to do something difficult and try to ask folks who know both you and your ex for information, or sit back and think about how your ex MIGHT be thinking about you. Use a little creativity. It’s actually a great exercise that’s going to serve you well later anyway. Use the following page to do your emotional brainstorming, and then congratulate yourself. We’re done prepping and loading the cannon. It’s time to aim and fire.
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The Step-By-Step “Text Your Ex Back” System So Simple A Child Could Use It (Though I have no idea why a child is dating in the first place. That’s just weird.)
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GETTING STARTED: “ACROSS THE BOW” TEXTS
Getting Started: “Across The Bow” Texts Feel that little tingle of excitement running from the base of your brain all the way down your arm to your thumb? Sit and enjoy that for a moment. We’re about to start working some magic. Now, if you’ve done the things as prescribed, it’s been at least a month since you and your ex have had any really meaningful interaction. You’ve been taking care of yourself, going out with friends, and most decidedly NOT spending all your time staring at the ceiling and feeling sorry for yourself. You’re getting ready to “Text Your Ex Back,” not because you’re needy and sad, but because you and your ex really did have some kind of special chemistry and rapport that’s worth fighting for and that’s going to add a lot of positivity to your lives. Which means it’s time to take your weapon of choice (your cell phone) and send that first “across the bow” text that’s going to give you the mission to seduce your ex back into your life. Just to be SUPER CLEAR, our goal with this first text (or our first DOZEN texts) . . . . . . is NOT to get together for a drink or to “talk things out.”
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. . . is NOT a booty call (though if you do things right, your ex may want to go there pretty damn fast). . . . is NOT to fix your relationship with one “magic” message. (Man, if I could do that I’d be charging a million dollars a pop.) Nope, instead our goal with this first text is a lot more modest. Our goal is to . . . GENTLY open the door to more conversation. . . . start establishing POSITIVE experiences and emotions with your ex. . . . remind your ex of the GOOD TIMES you had in your relationship (and plant the idea in his or her mind that more good times really could be right around the corner). . . . use TEXT JUDO to affirm your ex’s feelings in a positive way so they can move past them. . . . and create a subtle FRAMEWORK where your ex comes to the conclusion seemingly on his or her own that you should get together and “talk” (or do more than talk). This is where a lot of the prep work we’ve done so far comes into play, especially the emotional state and “how your ex feels about you” preparation we did.
“Rules” Of Your First Few Messages (actually all of them) • Be positive and upbeat. (Do NOT bring up the negatives that caused your relationship to end.) • Don’t be needy. It’s important that you come across as confident, happy, and attractive. It also means that you can’t come across as desperately trying to reignite the flames of your relationship (even if that’s exactly what you’re actually doing). • Don’t worry if you don’t get a response. If you don’t get a response at first, don’t worry about it. Simply let it go, take a deep breath, and resolve to come back and try again later. If the fish aren’t biting one day, it doesn’t mean they won’t bite again in the future. • Your texts must validate your ex’s emotions in a positive way. This means you can’t “gaslight” your ex’s emotions and say they
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aren’t real. (That’s just mean.) You should never have to apologize for them, and whatever you’re feeling is the “right” thing to feel. • Avoid “Nothing” texts at all costs. This is important enough to talk about in more detail. One of the biggest mistakes you can make whether you’re texting your ex, sending a message to a cute girl or guy you just met, or trying to seduce your wife/girlfriend/husband/boyfriend back into your bed is sending a “nothing” text. What’s a “nothing” text? It’s a text that doesn’t actually SAY anything and doesn’t leave any “hooks” for positive interaction. Here are a few examples of “nothing” texts: What’s up? Hey, how you doing? Hi. Yo. Basically, if a text sounds like it was written by a 19-year-old frat boy, it probably counts as a “Nothing” text and should be avoided (even if you ARE a 19-year-old frat boy). Instead of sending “Nothing” texts to open up a conversation with your ex, you’re going to use what I call “Across The Bow” texts and “Curiosity Pivots,” which I first developed for my “Text Your Wife Into Bed” program. No matter what you send, you should always know what your GOAL of an interaction with your ex is BEFORE you send it. What SPECIFIC thing are you trying to accomplish when you hit Send? What response do you want from your ex? Are you just trying to get ANY response? Are you looking for a smile or a laugh? Are you trying to open the door to a particular conversation? (I recommend you save that for once you’ve got good rapport going back and forth.) You won’t always get the response you want, but it’s important that you have it in mind. If you don’t have a solid answer to that question in mind, take a deep breath, put your cell phone back in your pocket, and wait for another day.
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Across The Bow Texts Revealed “I said across her bow, not up it!” - Dark Helmet, Spaceballs An “Across The Bow” text is a shot in the dark. It’s that first text you send when you haven’t talked to or seen your ex in a while, and is designed to let them know that you’re thinking about them, that you don’t have any negative feelings towards them, and that you’re not horribly, horribly messed up over the break up (even if you actually are).
The “Across The Bow” Text Formula #1: I (stumbled onto this thing you like or that reminds me of you) and it (positive thought or reaction on my part.) This is using one of your common interests or experiences in a positive way. If Bill and Jenny were both really into football, and their favorite team won a big game, Bill could send something like . . . Bill: “Just watched the end of the Seahawks game and it put a huge smile on my face thinking how excited you must be. Hope you’re doing great!” (Yeah, I know. The Seahawks suck. But a man can dream, right?) or for a couple that’s big into reading . . . Lisa: “I just stumbled onto this old copy of Brave New World and it made me think of you for the first time in a while. Put a smile on my face. =-).” Notice how it’s all pretty innocuous? Notice how I even resorted to using an =-) emoticon? (I usually hate emoticons, but sometimes you have to go there.) Your ex can’t read or even assume where you’re trying to go with things with a message like this. While your ex COULD use this text as a door to start a conversation if they want to, it doesn’t DEMAND a response or feel pushy in any way. In other words, it gives your ex an “out.” Your ex has a chance to engage in conversation if they want to, but doesn’t force them into a confrontation or to make any kind of specific decision about whether they want you in their life or not. It’s a little like putting a frog in some water and raising the temperature by one measly degree. If we do it right, the frog doesn’t even notice.
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Across The Bow Formula #2: The Random Compliment (Nice thing to say about your ex) (indicator that you’re “OK” with the breakup.) For instance: Harry (to his ex wife, Joan): “Just caught myself thinking about you. I’m really glad you were in my life. Hope you’re doing great. =-)” Or Sally (to her ex boyfriend): “You’re a really wonderful person. I hope we get to be friends again someday.” Notice how in both of these cases the sender is being kind of aloof? In most situations, if you come on STRONG with your ex right away, it’s going to blow up in your face. This text is really just a variant on Formula One. Again, it’s designed to let your ex know you’re thinking of them (but not stalking them), to give them a small compliment and open the door to the possibility of conversation, and to give an “out” so that your ex doesn’t feel horrible amounts of pressure. ASSIGNMENT: Right now, brainstorm 2 or 3 different “Across The Bow” texts that you can send to your ex. Be creative. Use your list of things that you and your ex had in common as “fuel for the fire.” After you hit send: Once you send an “Across The Bow” text, a few different things might happen: 1. You get no response at all. Honestly, this is NOT necessarily a bad thing. After not hearing from you for some time, your ex might just be shocked to find you buzzing his or her pocket and might be overwhelmed by all the emotions that come rushing up with your name. If you don’t get a response right away, just take a deep breath, let it go for a few days, and then try again with another variation or another of the texts I give you in this manual. Whatever you do, DO NOT FREAK OUT and DO NOT SEND A LOT of messages in a row. We’re trying to project confidence here, and confi-
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dent, attractive people do NOT freak out. Rest assured that your ex DID receive your message. And just by reading the message, you’ve moved them ever so slightly down the path to reconciliation. 2. You get a neutral response. A neutral response would be something like “Oh, thanks.” or “Oh, thanks. How are you?” Your temptation in this case is going to be to POUNCE like a tiger on this small piece of attention and try to get them to engage in some long, explosive texting conversation. DO NOT DO IT. GET OFF THE DAMN BRIDGE. Instead, your proper response is to answer their neutral response with something equally neutral, friendly, and innocuous, and then for YOU to be the one to end the conversation and move on. For example: You: “I know it’s been a while, but I started thinking about you today and it put a smile on my face. You’re a really wonderful person. Hope you’re doing really well. =-)” Your Ex: “Oh, thanks. Hope you’re good as well.” You: “Thanks. Going into a movie, but it’s good to ‘hear’ your voice. Later.” Pretty simple, huh? The key here is for YOU to be the one who ends the conversation. If you keep chatting with your ex until they decide to end it, you’ve given up power and lost your chance to build mystery or attraction. Whoever has the last word is the one who has the power in these situations. 3. You get an overwhelmingly positive response. Most likely you’ll only get this kind of response from your ex if you were the one to break up with them, or if they’ve independently come around to realizing they made a mistake but haven’t had the guts to call you. You should play the overwhelmingly positive response pretty similarly to the neutral response. You match their enthusiasm to some degree, and then YOU have to be the one to end the conversation. So . . . You: (Same as above.) Your Ex: “Hey, thanks! It’s great to hear from you! How have you been?” You: “Really well, actually. =-) I’m going into a movie but it’s really great to hear from you. More later. =-)” 41
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And then you end the conversation for at least a day. Why are you ending the conversation when they give you that level of enthusiasm? Well, it’s pretty simple. By ending the conversation and keeping control, you’re actually making them want and miss you MORE. The longer you keep them in this longing state the more powerful it will be when you do decide to get together and the more “grateful” your ex will be when you give them the attention and affection they crave. 4. You get an overwhelmingly NEGATIVE response from your ex. Option 4 is, of course, our least favorite, though it’s not NECESSARILY a “kiss of death.” Option 4 is when you send your initial text, and your ex doesn’t ignore you, doesn’t give you a neutral response, and doesn’t give you a positive response, but actually comes at you negatively and maybe even aggressively, bringing up the negatives around the end of your relationship. Obviously these are the kind of messages you need to be the most careful around. So if you text your ex and get a response like: Your Ex: “DO NOT TEXT ME ANYMORE.” Then you need to give things more time. I know it’s tempting to want to plow through that kind of resistance, but you’ll do more harm than good. If you get a message like that just say: You: “Sorry. Hope you’re doing well.” And let things sit for a while. And by “a while,” I mean weeks at the minimum, and possibly quite a bit longer than that. I know it’s painful, but you need to give them time to let the anger subside. Another kind of negative response you might get would be something like: Your Ex: “Thanks for the message but I really can’t talk to you right now. It just hurts too much.” In that case you want to respond with something simple like: You: “I totally understand. Hope you’re doing great.” No matter what happens, this first message is really just “dipping the toe” into the “Text Your Ex Back” method. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and your relationship’s not going to be forged with one text. This is as marathon, not a sprint. 42
GETTING STARTED: “ACROSS THE BOW” TEXTS
Like I said, if your ex tries to rope you into a BIG conversation after this first text YOU should be the one to resist (no matter how hard it is.) Your goal is to get your ex to decide independently that they want to see you again, and the best way to pull that off is to make sure that you don’t come off as too needy or eager. You need to be like Fonzie, and Fonzie was cool. (Yes, I just made a “Happy Days” reference.)
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“BEST OF THE RELATIONSHIP” TEXTS
“Best Of The Relationship” Texts Remember when I told you to write out all those pleasant memories and favorite experiences with your ex? It’s time to put those into action. Once you’ve sent a few messages “Across The Bow” of your ex, it’s time to move on to what I call “Best Of The Relationship” texts. Note again that you are NOT actually trying to get your ex back yet. Instead, you’re trying to plant positive thoughts and emotions in your ex’s mind so they start thinking about you in a positive way. And EMOTIONAL LANGUAGE makes those good times feel as real as possible.
A Quick Note On EMOTIONAL LANGUAGE And DETAIL Emotional language are the words that bypass the critical mind of whoever you’re talking to and appeal directly to their “Lizard Brain” in a way they almost can’t resist. 44
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For instance, which is more powerful: “We beat the other team.” or “We obliterated the competition.” The word “obliterated” resonates in your mind in a MUCH more powerful way than something as simple and lame as “beat.” In your “Best Of The Relationship” texts you’re going to bring up past experiences using as much POSITIVE emotional language and DETAIL as possible. The “Text Judo” here is that we’re taking the powerful emotions your ex already feels around you and pushing them towards positive thoughts instead of the negative thoughts they may have now.
“Best Of The Relationship Texts” Revealed These texts are a great way to follow up a successful “Across The Bow” text. A day or two after you get a “bite” with an “Across The Bow” text, follow by saying . . . Formula 1: Do you remember (great experience with your ex)? Formula 2: I was just remembering (great experience with your ex). Note the word “remember” here. A funny thing about the human mind is that we really can’t hear (or read) the word “remember” without our brains immediately going into “data retrieval” mode. Do you remember the first time I asked you if you remembered to remember something? OK, I’ll stop messing with you. But it’s important to realize that when you ask your ex to remember something, their subconscious is going to access those old memories whether they want to or not. So it’s important to only focus on things you actually WANT them to remember and to tread lightly around the “land mines” of your relationships. Now here’s the cool part: Did you know that memories don’t actually exist? It’s true. Every time you try to “remember” something, your brain goes into data retrieval
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mode and basically creates a “movie” of what happened in your head. And every time you remember something it’s a new “movie.” By narrating an experience to your ex, using a lot of detail and focusing on the positives you can basically “direct” the movie in their head. Cool, huh? • There are really three types of experiences that you want your ex to access at this point: • Fun experiences where you bonded because you were really enjoying each other’s company • “Bonding” experiences that were tough, but that brought you closer together • Sex I’ll talk more about how to use sensual language over text later, but this stuff can be VERY powerful, especially if you and your ex had particularly good sexual chemistry. Let’s look at some examples first: Example 1: Fun Ken: “Do you remember that time we climbed Mount Baker together? I was just thinking of the smile on your face when we got to the top of the mountain and how sweaty we both were. That was a really fun day. =-)” Again, nice and innocuous here. Example 2: More fun Melanie: “Ha. I just found this picture of the two of us wearing those stupid bear suits in Madrid. You looked pretty good as a Panda.” Example 3: Bonding Experience. Paul: “Yikes. A friend of mine just got into a bad car wreck. She’s OK, but it got me remembering the time we were on Gabrielle Street and got hit by that drunk driver. I can still feel the impact when I close my eyes, the way your hand was clenched so hard in mine . . . how the glass went everywhere when it shattered . . . ” Notice the level of detail in this one. In everything you write to your ex you want to use detailed language to make the experience more real.
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Example 4: Sex NOTE: The sex stuff is typically NOT something you should lead with. We’ll get into it more in the future. Charlie: “I’m at Jack and Jane’s wedding . . . reminds me of the time we snuck away to the bathroom at your cousin’s wedding . . . I can so vividly see the naughty smile on your face as I pushed you up onto the counter . . . how you nibbled your lip and smiled at me . . . how you used your legs to draw me closer to you until our lips met . . . ” Seriously, I could write a novel here. The key with using this kind of text early on is to keep it light and fun. Later I’ll teach you how to actually seduce your ex with texts, but for now you’re just playing.
Sneaky Trick: The “Small Ask” One GREAT way to lead up to a “Remember” series of text is by asking your ex to remind you of a small piece of data from a shared experience. The smaller and more innocuous the “data point” is, the more likely you are to get a response. For instance . . . Sarah: “Hey, really quick can you remind me of the name of that restaurant we went to on your 30th birthday?” Obviously, you only want to ask your ex to remind you of an event that was a GOOD one. Again, just by asking the question you’re having him or her access the part of the brain where that entire memory is stored. So if you were flirting with the waitress the whole night and it was the worst birthday ever . . . well, that’s not what you want to bring up. The cool thing about the “Can you remind me” setup is that it draws your ex in and gets them actively engaged in the memory. From there you can go into more detail. Peter: “It was Gilligans.” Sarah: “Oh, yeah! Great burgers. I was thinking of going there again. I was just remembering your birthday and how much fun we had. My favorite part of the night was when we all sang ‘Don’t Stop Believing’ at the top of our lungs before you blew out the candles. And then you hugged me so tight.” Peter: “Ha. Yeah, that was a good time.”
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No matter what, your goal is to ENGAGE YOUR EX IN THE POSITIVE MEMORY and “direct the movie” for them so they accept the best and most connected version of the story as fact. If your ex comes back to you with memories or details of their own, engage in the conversation and make sure to steer the conversation towards the positive. Your goal is to have them focused on fun, pleasure, warm, and fuzzy memories and positive feelings about you. Got it? Good. Because we’re going to move on to “Intimacy Booster” texts, which are super fun.
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“INTIMACY BOOSTER” TEXTS
“Intimacy Booster” Texts An “Intimacy Booster” text is, in a lot of ways, similar to the kind of texts we used in our last section. But this time, instead of reminding your ex of a specific event (sexy or otherwise), we’re reminding your ex of how close you guys once were (and planting the seed that you could be that close again). If you were married or you dated your ex for any significant amount of time, they probably became the most intimate person in your life, and you probably became theirs. (If you guys were still strangers, you may have been doing it wrong.) Your goal is to remind them of that intimacy and connection in a positive way. You want your ex to almost YEARN for the close support you provided for them, and you want to do it all over text. Now, the best time to use this particular kind of text is when you know your ex is going through something hard. When they’ve just failed a big test, lost a job, lost someone close in their life, or otherwise had some kind of tragedy or unfortunate event. This is basically a way for you to show support for your ex from a distance and without physically being there. And I’ll say up front, when you use this kind of text you’re kind of playing with fire. If you use this kind of text from a manipulative standpoint (instead of from a place of positivity), it could very easily blow up in your face. You can also use “Intimacy Texts” as a way to “save your ex’s bacon” if they’re going to forget an important family event.
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Formula 1: “Hey, I know (BAD EVENT) is tough for you. If you need me, I’m here.” Formula 2: “Hey, don’t forget (important event)” Formula 2 works because it reminds your ex of you being on his or her team. If your ex really did forget the birthday or other event, they’ll be grateful for the reminder. Example 1: “Hey, Jen told me about your grandfather. I know he was important to you. If you need me for anything, I’m here. But no matter what I hope you’re OK and I hope you’re around people who love you.” Example 2: “Hey, don’t forget your mom’s birthday is coming up. Wouldn’t want you to get in trouble =-)” I’ve actually had this method used ON ME by an ex girlfriend. She totally pulled my bacon out of the fire and I found myself feeling not only grateful, but missing her in a very real way afterwards. Example 3: “Was thinking you must be stressed getting ready for the bar exam. Just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you.” Again, the same “Rules Of Response” play here as for all the other texts. If your ex writes back and wants to chat, go ahead. LISTEN. Keep things positive. Use the other techniques I teach you and YOU must be the one to end the conversation.
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THE GREEN-EYED MONSTER TEXT
“The Green-Eyed Monster” Text (a.k.a. how to use jealousy in a positive way) Ahh, jealousy. The green eyed monster. The vicious beast in the heart of every man and woman. I’ve been doing a lot of studying on WHY people get jealous (both in a relationship and in other parts of their lives, like jobs).While I haven’t found a super-solid reason for jealousy (beyond some theories about protecting your genes), there are two things that are undeniably true: • People are possessive of what they think of as “theirs” (or what USED TO BE theirs). • Social Proof is powerful stuff. I talked about Social Proof a bit earlier in this manual. The short version is that people tend to believe what other people “tell” them or what they see. (If everybody else is going to jump off a bridge, would you? YUP!) If your ex knows that you’re seen as attractive/valuable to other attractive/valuable people, your stock will go up radically. If your ex knows you’re being hit on by “hot” people, he or she will most likely feel a horrible pang of jealousy and doubt the whole “break up” thing. Add the fact that we all tend to take our significant others for granted, and that it’s all too easy to “let ourselves go” in a relationship (get fat,
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drink too much, forget to exercise), and we’ve got a great opportunity here. NOTE 1: I only recommend you use “Green Eyed Monster” (GEM) texts AFTER you’ve been going back and forth with your ex for a bit, and they seem receptive to the idea of talking to you. NOTE 2: You’ve got to be at least a LITTLE subtle with this stuff. By subtle I mean you don’t text your ex something like “I was totally on this hot date with three supermodels” or anything like that. The “formula” for GEM texts is a bit harder to quantify, so let me just give you some good examples, instead. It basically involves letting your ex in on the positive aspects of your post-breakup life, while subtly turning the screws in their heart. (Notice how you’re combining jealousy with connection and the reminder that you know them well in a really interesting way.) Mean? Possibly. Effective? Definitely. As long as you don’t go too overboard. Example 1: “I just saw (romantic movie) with a friend. You should see it. I think you’d really enjoy it.” Notice that you’re not saying “I was just on a hot date” or anything as cruel as that. You want your ex to be able to FIGURE OUT that you were out on a hot date without you ever actually having to come out and SAY you were. Example 2: “Hey, did I see you at (fun place) last night? If it was . . . you look really good. =-)” In this text we’re establishing that YOU were out at the (bar, club, whatever) last night, having a good time with friends (and not sitting around watching British sitcoms while drunk). Plus you’re establishing that you’re out and looking at and flirting with other people, and you’ll get them trying to figure out who the heck it was that you were looking at that WASN’T them. Depending on your relationship with your ex, it’s totally possible you’ll get a silent or even a slightly negative reaction to this kind of text. That’s 52
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totally fine. What we’re trying to do here is establish you as an attractive person who actually has a life. (This is why I told you to get off your butt and start dating, as hard as that may seem.) With “GEM” texts, we’re just planting a seed in your ex’s mind and giving them an opportunity to want to talk to you and possibly mend the rift between you. Got it? Good. Because the next thing I’m going to tell you could be . . . tough.
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EMOTIONAL HONESTY TEXTS
Emotional Honesty Texts Cuz sometimes you have to lay it all on the table. OK, so far we’ve talked about how to “open the door” to a conversation with your ex by using “Across The Bow” texts, learned how to use the power word “remember” to direct your ex’s mind to the good times in your relationship (and plant the seed of more good times happening in the future), used “Intimacy Booster” texts to remind your ex that you know them better than anyone and are in their corner, and even resorted to “Green Eyed Monster” texts to awaken the possessive beast in your ex’s bosom. (Ahh, bosom.) All of this stuff works REALLY well . . . But sometimes you just have to cut the past the bullshit and tell your ex how you really feel. No excuses, no blaming, no fighting, no crap. You just take out your cell phone (and with your thumb shaking and lip quivering) tell your ex THE TRUTH. If you do it right, a lot of the other text formulas I’ve given you in this manual will eventually LEAD to the chance to really establish emotional connection and communication this way.
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And since you’re texting, you don’t have to worry about getting cold feet, tripping over your words, breaking down crying, or rolling over into anger or embarrassment. Texting is PRIVATE, safe, and simple. It’s a wonderful thing. This technique is particularly effective for GUYS, by the way. Since men are (usually) not as good at being emotionally open as women are (and since women LOVE IT when a guy actually cracks the armor and opens up), this one technique alone could be the thing that gets her to ask to see you.
Rules About Emotional Texting: • ALWAYS read and re-read your text before you send it. This should go without saying, but when you get to the point that you’re sending your real feelings over the airwaves, you’re basically sending the “nuclear bomb” of texting. Make sure you read and re-read what you’re sending, and that you mean it. Reactionary texting is BAD. • No Negativity: Contempt kills relationships, plain and simple. I’ll give some examples in a second, but it’s incredibly important that you don’t use “blaming” language or anything your ex could see as bait for a fight in your texts. • Take your time and write as much as you need to. Folks have a tendency to think texts need to be short. Not true. • Make sure every word earns its place. At the same time, you don’t want to write a freaking novel. Anything more than a screen or two is going to be a LOT for your ex to sort through. Make sure you think about what you want to say before you say it, edit it down to the core point, and be as honest and open as possible. • NO EXPECTATIONS. Don’t have any big expectations about where things are going to go once you send these kind of texts. You always want your ex to be the one to make the move to ask for a meeting or a phone call. Why? Because by asking you to meet or to accelerate the conversation, they’re taking “action” and will mentally find ways to “buy in” to the process of having you back in their life. • After you hit send, take a DEEP breath. You’re going to be tempted to stare at your phone for hours waiting for a response. You might not get one right away (or possibly at all), but your message HAS been received. Make sure you have something to distract you after you hit the big shiny button. 55
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OK, so how do you actually DO this? Your “Emotional Honesty Texts” can really be broken down to a few different categories: • Compliment texts • Appreciation texts • “How I Feel” texts • “What I Miss” texts (I know, I know. The guys reading this are groaning already. Get over it. If you want her back, you’ve got to be willing to speak your heart.)
Compliment Texts Compliment texts are just what they sound like . . . simple compliments that you send, more or less randomly, over text. They’re simple, are loaded with little emotional weight, and are more or less the equivalent of “flirting at a bar” with somebody you just met. Compliment texts can be physical and basic, with less detail than some of the “Emotional Honesty” texts that we will talk about next. I like to slip in compliments in a “matter of fact” way during the course of some other conversation you’re having over text. For example: (Jim and Melinda broke up two months ago after a big fight over money. They’ve been chatting over text and it’s been going well. Jim’s in the middle of remembering a vacation they had in Hawaii.) Jim: “And the cabana boy kept checking you out in your bikini.” Melinda: “He did?” Jim: “He did. And I did too. You’re a very beautiful woman.” Melinda: “=-)” Simple, huh? Notice the confidence there? Again, no wiggle room. No BS. Another simple compliment could be: Stephanie (to Roger): “I’ve always really loved your hands.” or
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Carl (to Sophia): “One thing that has always made me stop is your eyes. They’re stunning.” A good compliment is just an aside comment. Don’t try to give it a huge amount of weight or import (like you do with appreciation texts), but just slip it in as a way to raise your ex’s self esteem and let them know that you care. Got it? Good.
Appreciation Texts An “Appreciation” text is where you flat out tell your ex what you appreciate about them, without any wiggle room, “ifs,” “ands,” or “buts.” It’s your chance to be really honest about what you like about your ex and why you enjoyed having them in your life in the first place. (Tangentially, you should use these when you’re IN a relationship, as well.) The formula for a good “Appreciation” text is pretty simple. “What I’ve always liked about you is (What you like about them).” or “I really appreciate (what you appreciate).” or “I always had a hard time saying this before, but I really like (what you like)” or “One thing I’ve always appreciated about you is . . . ” And I usually like to end this kind of text with something like: “I’m really thankful that you’re in my life.” or “I’m really glad you’re in my life.” I like this kind of phrasing because it’s “need neutral.” It basically says “Yeah, we had our problems, but I wouldn’t change anything,” and lets your ex know that they’re still in your life even after everything you’ve been through.
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(Yes guys, I know it’s cheesy. But it works! If you did this kind of thing when you and your ex were still together, you may not have broken up.) Here are some examples: Laura dumped Ken a few months ago and, using the other techniques in this manual, Ken has gotten Laura to start chatting with him again over text. They’ve been friendly, talking about their lives. Ken feels like it’s finally time to cut the charade and let Laura know how he feels. Ken: “I’ve always really appreciated how caring you are and how loyal you are to your friends. I was just remembering how you were really there for Jenny when she and Jim got their divorce. You’re a really special person, Laura, and I’m glad you’ve been in my life.” See how there’s no “wiggling” in this? There’s no “You’re really caring, BUT . . . ” kind of stuff? And how he’s not “fishing” for her to give him any kind of appreciation back? The key with a good “Appreciation” text is to be as specific as possible, to use detail, and to speak with confident language. Let’s try a female example. Kathy cheated on her ex-husband, Jim, in a moment of weakness, but really wants him back. They have a couple of kids together. Kathy: “One thing I’ve always really liked about you is what a great Dad you are. I’m so thankful that you’re the father of my children. You’re really a wonderful guy.” Do you get the idea? I know it sounds simple, but it’s amazing how folks almost NEVER tell each other what they LIKE about each other. For most people, getting this kind of text will brighten their whole day. What do you appreciate about your ex? What simple statement can you say to your ex to give them that little thrill of being appreciated? Write it down. Take a deep breath. Send it.
“What I Miss” Texts Now we move on to “What I Miss” texts.
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“What I Miss” texts are just what they sound like . . . texts where you let your ex know (with simple, intimate language) what you miss about your relationship. The formula for “What I miss” texts are . . . “What I miss about us is (what you miss)” or “(What you’re doing) wish you were here.” Here are some examples: Jason: “What I really miss is the smell of your hair when you cuddled up under my arm. It was intoxicating.” or Melanie: “I’m at the beach right now and I keep thinking about how I used to enjoy watching you surf. Wish you were here.” or Brad: “I miss sitting around with you on Sunday mornings and playing board games. There was nothing like waking up to the smell of the coffee and knowing you’d be in the kitchen waiting for me.” The key is to bring up sensory-rich experiences and experiences that your ex would miss, as well. Stuff that’s 100% positive for both of you. And finally, we move on to . . .
“How I Feel” Texts “How I Feel” texts are not child’s play. They’re where you really “lay it on the line” and let your ex know exactly what’s going on in your heart. They’re REALLY easy to mess up. How do folks mess them up? Mostly by trying to make their exes feel pity or feel guilty, or by focusing on negative emotions. For instance, pick which one of these actually gives you a shot at getting your ex back: John: “I can barely breathe without you. I feel like an elephant is standing on my chest right now and I’m going to die if I don’t see you. Why aren’t you here? Don’t you understand that I LOVE you? COME BACK.”
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OR Mary: “No matter what, there’s always going to be a part of me that’s in love with you. When I think about you I can’t help but smile. I feel this great energy just flow through me and it makes me happy that you’re out there in the world.” DING DING DING. (If you said “John,” then I suggest you go back and start re-reading this whole manual from the beginning.) A good “How I Feel” text should be centered, confident, and not at all needy. It should also be positive and not (obviously) manipulative. In a lot of ways it’s similar to a good “Appreciation” text, but instead of telling your ex what you like about them, you’re laying out on the line how YOU actually feel about them. Here are a few starter formulas for you for “How I Feel” texts: “No matter what (detail about how you feel).” or “It’s funny, but (how you feel).” or “I’ll always (how you feel).” or “It’s hard for me to say this but (how you feel).” or “I never said this enough before but (how you feel).” Here are some examples: Frank: “It’s hard for me to say this, but you’re always going to be so important to me. I’m always going to love you and miss you and be glad you were in my life. I can’t help but think about you and when I do, it just adds so much greatness to my day. “ or Sarah: “It’s funny, but sometimes I crave you. The smell of you. Having you nearby. How calm and safe I always felt around you.” The key, as always, is to be CONFIDENT and SIMPLE in your emotion. Speak in a clear and even voice without a lot of “crying,” “shouting,” or anything else that can get in the way of what you’re actually saying.
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Possible Ways Your Ex Will Respond Honestly, when you get to this level of communication, your ex could respond in a million different ways. I’ve seen women call up their exboyfriends crying, halfway between ecstasy and rage at their man for not being able to say this before. And I’ve seen phones lay cold and dead for days as a woman’s ex just didn’t know how to respond. Let’s go through a couple possible scenarios Option 1: Your ex responds in kind If your ex responds with a compliment, an appreciation, or an emotion of their own, that’s awesome. Absorb it. Say “thank you.” LISTEN to what they have to say and continue the conversation in positive terms. DO NOT bring up negative or “needy” stuff. Simply enjoy saying nice things about each other. If your ex suggests getting together, go for it, but I recommend you put on some brakes and suggest coffee. Option 2: Your ex says “thank you” This is still on the positive end of things. In this case, you should just say “No problem. You deserve it,” and move on. Don’t lay it on thick. Don’t try to “compliment them into submission.” Remember, we’re building something lasting here, and that takes time. Option 3: Nothing If you get no response . . . well, you know the answer there. Go run a few miles, go on a date, hang out with friends, play “Halo.” But LET IT GO. It can be incredibly tough to do this after you lay your heart on the line, but it’s your only option. Option 4: Negative Response Here’s something that could happen: John: “I’ve always really appreciated the way you take care of people in your life. You’re the most caring and loving person I know. I’m so lucky to be around you.” Kelly: “WHAT THE HELL!!! WHY COULDN’T YOU SAY THIS KIND OF THING BEFORE?” Weirdly enough, this is NOT a bad response. It means Kelly still has feelings for John. The key at this point is for John NOT to defend himself. He needs to acknowledge Kelly’s feeling and to say something like: John: “I don’t know. I guess being apart has made me realize. Too bad we can’t turn back time, huh?”
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No matter what kind of response you get, take a deep breath. Being more openly emotional and honest with yourself like this is going to take some time, but it’s is going to reap huge rewards either in this relationship or in relationships in the future. OK, now that we’ve dealt with the “heart stuff” let’s get a little . . . well . . . dirty.
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Using Texts To Turn Your Ex On (even if they don’t want to be) I feel a little weird dipping into this stuff after getting so emotionally raw in the last section. But the fact of the matter is that SEX is (or should be) a huge part of any successful relationship. Heck, sex might even be why you and your ex broke up in the first place (lack of sex, bad sex, weird sexual compatibility, cheating . . . you get the idea.) It’s a simple fact of life that people do NOT think rationally when they’re “excited.” This is why great fighters try to piss their opponents off. Trash talk a guy enough, and he’ll get so mad he’ll get sloppy. He’ll forget to defend himself and leave an opening wide enough to drive a truck (or a big ol’ FIST) through. Now, obviously your ex isn’t your “opponent” (at least I hope not. That would be a weird relationship), but if you really, truly want them back,
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there’s no more effective way than pushing right by the “rational” mind and sending messages that appeal to the deep and powerful LIZARD BRAIN. I know this sounds weird, but texting is basically “The Force” (from Star Wars) when it comes to accessing your partner’s deepest sexual mind (or ANYONE’S deepest sexual mind, actually). Like I said back at the beginning of this manual, there’s something VERY intimate about texting. It’s the closest thing to “telepathy” that you can get, and people will often respond to texts in a positive way they NEVER would if you said the same thing to them face to face. If you want to get to the REALLY dirty stuff, I recommend you check out one of my other products, “Text Your Wife Into Bed.” You can see the video I put together at www.textyourwifeintobed.com. (Oh, and don’t let the title put you off. That product has been VERY successfully used by single guys, divorcees, and a LOT of women to add an incredible amount of OOMPH into their relationships. My favorite is the 20-yearold woman from England who wrote me to say she “has blokes wrapped around [her] finger thanks to your stuff.”) I’m not going to go SUPER dirty here, but let’s dive into how you can use sensuality and sexuality in your texts to get your ex turned on and CRAVING you at the push of a button. Because men and women really do tend to think of sex differently, I’m going to break this down a little bit. Make sure to read both sections, though, you might pick up some useful tips.
For Women Ahh, the sexual mind of a man. It’s so . . . straightforward. If you’re a woman, you probably already know that men are pretty easy to get interested in sex. This is probably why there aren’t a lot of books written on the subject of seducing a man (though maybe there should be.) Men are such visual creatures that getting them interested is usually about as hard as showing a little thigh (or ankle . . . or toe) and putting the right kind of smile on your face. But remember, in this case your goal isn’t just to get your ex turned on, it’s to get him turned on, thinking of you, and willing to run through fire to get to be with you again. Here are some rules about “sexting” your ex (Man, I HATE that word): 64
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Your goal is to TEASE. You need to make your ex WANT you on a deep and primal level. You want to remind him that YOU know, more than anyone else, how to make him feel good. Men like to feel powerful, in control, and dominant. But you do NOT want to go “all the way” with your ex, even virtually, unless you feel like he’s showing legitimate interest in seeing and dating you again. Men LIKE to chase. It gives us an energy that almost nothing else in the world can replace. If you give in to your ex too early you’ll screw the pooch when it comes to getting what you really want. If, however, you tease your ex properly, he’ll almost undoubtedly ask to see you. It’s totally OK to see him in this case, but YOU have to set the parameters of the meeting. If your ex asks to be alone with you (“Hey, want me to come over so we can talk?”), tell him “I don’t think that would be a good idea,” or “We should really talk first.” Pictures? Men are VISUAL creatures, and for them a picture really does “say a thousand words.” Don’t send anything too dirty (once a pic goes out in the world it never comes back), but definitely consider sending some good “teasing” pictures to your ex to get him worked up.
For Men If you’re a man trying to seduce your ex girlfriend or wife . . . congratulations, you’re going to thank me years from now for what I’m about to teach you. There’s NOTHING as effective, in my experience, at getting a woman really turned on as text messaging. Unlike us guys, women are “hardwired” to respond to stories and language. (Need proof? Go read a romance novel.) And if you know what you’re doing it’s VERY easy to give a woman the kind of attention she CRAVES over text message (even if you weren’t that good at it in person). A few key points for guys: • A woman’s mind is her biggest erogenous zone. I shouldn’t really have to harp on this as much as I do, but the fact is if you can turn on a woman’s mind, her body will invariably follow . . . and LANGUAGE is the best possible way to turn most women on. • You want to start slow and THEN bring out the big guns. If you try to go all “sensual” right off the bat it gives her too much of a chance to back out. Go slow. • It’s best to use these techniques when she’s at work, out with friends, or otherwise indisposed. The fact that she can’t give you 65
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her full attention creates a great amount of tension. (This is true for women texting guys too. The fact that he can’t act on what you’re saying will drive him nuts.) • To do this successfully, you need to be “dominant but not creepy.” That means that you narrate the situation and the action, but focus A LOT on her pleasure. • Do NOT suggest an actual “hook up” unless you feel like she’s baiting you to do so. • If she asks to be alone with you, say “OK, you can come over, but we’re NOT going to have sex.” (By setting that expectation you give her permission to let her guard down and be the one to make the first move. Plus it shows respect for her and for the relationship you’re trying to build.) OK, now that we’ve set the rules, here’s the formula for how you use text messages to turn your ex on:
Send a “Curiosity” text to get his or her attention A “Curiosity” text is simply a “bait” designed to get attention and to get your ex engaged in the conversation. For example: “I was just thinking . . . ” “So . . . =-)” Any kind of flirty open will work in this case. Ideally, you want an opening that can really only be answered one way, with “what?” or “Thinking of what?”
Bring up the BEST SEXUAL EXPERIENCE you ever had with your ex. Use detailed and sensual language to have your ex “relive” the experience. Close things with a wink and a smile. Let me give you two quick examples (I’m going to be pretty PG here.) Jeremy and Sarah were together for three years before ending things six months ago. They’ve chatted back and forth over text for the last week or two, and Jeremy feels like Sarah is giving him signals of attraction. 66
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Jeremy: “I was just thinking . . . ” Sarah: “About what?” Jeremy: “The tree house in my parents’ back yard . . . =-)” Sarah: “Oh . . . that was fun.” Jeremy: “How we climbed up there on Thanksgiving. I remember how you smelled . . . how your body felt against me. How you pushed your ass against me and turned your head . . . that kiss was my favorite kiss of all our time together. It felt . . . electric.” Sarah: “It was nice. I’m at work.” Jeremy: “I keep imagining that smile on your face as I put my hands on your hips and fumbled with your belt. You moaned as my hands ran up your stomach.” (You get the idea, right? I mean, I COULD go into a lot more detail here, but this is a relatively PG product and I don’t have room to explain ALL of the technique involved. If you want to get truly “Down and Dirty” go check out www.textyourwifeintobed.com. It’ll do wonders for any relationship you get into.
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FROM “VIRTUAL” TO PHYSICAL
From “Virtual” To Physical Using everything I’ve taught you so far, you should be able to get your ex’s attention, establish a basic emotional and physical connection, show that you’re emotionally mature and interested, and, hopefully, get your ex to suggest that you get together. I’m not going to go into a huge amount of detail on what to do on your actual “date” with your ex here. My friend TW Jackson’s product The Magic Of Making Up does a great job of that, and you can find it at www.textyourexback.com/magic. But I do want to establish some ground rules and tips for using texting to make the date as successful as possible. Your goal is to get your ex to be the one who suggests that you get together. It’s always more powerful and more effective if he or she comes to the conclusion on their own that they want to see you. If things are going well over text, but your ex doesn’t seem to be willing to make the first move, use a “tag along” method of getting to them in person. Send a text saying “Hey, I’m in your neighborhood with friends, come 68
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down.” That gives your ex a chance to say yes or no without it being a big deal. If they do come up, keep it light, have a good time, and try to end the night with a good hug. Your first meeting should be simple and casual. No “big fancy dinners” or anything like that. Don’t try to be romantic. Just get together. Talk. Have fun. Be open and honest and remember what I said before: Your old relationship is dead. Your goal now is to create a NEW relationship from scratch (hopefully an even BETTER one than you had before). If at the end of the night your ex suggests getting together again, GREAT. You can play this however you want (hard to get or easy to please), but again, make it simple. You’re starting to DATE your ex here, and you need to treat him or her almost like someone you just met. Don’t see them more than once a week to start, make set plans and make every date an “event.” After your first date with your ex, go back to the cell phone. Ahh, bet you thought the “texting thing” was done after you actually get together in person? Nope. After your first date, you need to keep with the program. Continue to text as a way to share intimate thoughts and feelings, to be emotionally honest, and to turn your ex on. In fact, text RIGHT AFTER a date to really “secure” the positive aspects of the evening in your ex’s mind. Here’s a few ways to do that: The “Nice Time.” This is the text you send within an hour or so after saying goodnight to your ex. It’s really basic and is just designed to let them know you had a good time and are open to more. Example: “I had a really nice time tonight. =-)” Yes, I know that’s not rocket science, but it’s best to spell these things out. The “Sensory Expander.” This is a more detailed and sensory-rich version of the “Nice Time,” where you go into more detail with EXACTLY what you liked about the evening. A great way to use this is if your date ended with a kiss (or with more than a kiss). For example: Stephen: “Mm. I can still taste you on my lips. You’re delicious. =-)” or Mary: “I can still smell you. I think the smell of you got into my clothes. I like it.”
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or Carol: “Thanks for a lovely night. Sorry if I seemed a little out of it. Your biceps kept distracting me. It’s all I could do not to pounce on you.” The “Favorite Part.” This is really just a variation on some of the more “Emotional” texts I’ve given you so far. In this case you send a text giving your side of your favorite part of the evening. For example: Mark: “My favorite part of the night was when you smiled at me over the top of your glass of wine. I forgot how much I love your smile. You’re really beautiful.” The key here is DETAIL. Details are what’s going to make this stick in your ex’s mind.
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Dating Your Ex After your first meeting, your goal should be to start dating your ex again (Or dating them anew. Remember, we’re creating a new relationship here.) Here are some core tips for using texting once you’ve gotten your ex back in your life and are dating again. • Keep using the “Emotional” texts and sexual texts I’ve given you (as well as those you’ll find in “Text Your Wife Into Bed”). These things are GOLD as far as keeping rapport going between you and your ex and keeping the romance going. There’s nothing like a good “Appreciation” text or some dirty narration in the middle of the day to keep that spark going. There’s a real lack of appreciation in most relationships these days. Taking a moment to focus on what you LIKE about your girlfriend or boyfriend (or husband or wife) will create a powerfully positive context for your relationship. Plus, once you establish it as “normal” to be giving compliments and appreciation to your ex, you’ll start receiving similar messages back from them. • Make sure you keep text messages as an “intimate channel” with your ex. No slipping up and talking about boring stuff. By keeping texting “sacred” you’ll be able to maintain your intimacy 71
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with your ex no matter what stresses or obstacles come up in your day. • Be unapologetically romantic over text. This is particularly important for guys (though ladies, I’ll tell you right now that men do indeed swoon when you go for the heartstrings.) After every date with your ex, make sure to send at least one text vividly talking about what you enjoyed with your ex and how you’re looking forward to next time. • Use texting to get to know your partner better. As you start “dating” your ex again, I recommend you use texting as a way to get to know your ex better. Check out Michael Webb’s excellent “500 Questions for Couples” for a series of questions you can ask. You can find it at www.textyourexback.com/500questions. • Create the reality you want. Sometimes things won’t go exactly as you want. Luckily, perception is a lot more powerful than reality. As you get better at this texting thing, you’ll be able to narrate back the “highlight reel” of an evening with your ex and guide their focus on to the positive parts only. One of the coolest things about this is that you can basically create a “Self fulfilling prophecy.” By “observing” and then narrating back your ex’s reactions during the evening you can essentially trick them into thinking they’re incredibly into you (even if they’re only a little into you). For example: After a particularly good date, you might send a text that says: You: “I missed you too. =-)” Notice that using this kind of text pre-supposed that your ex missed you. In most cases, your ex will unconsciously assume that you’re picking up on cues they were giving off that said he or she missed you. Weirdly enough, this will actually make them miss you more than they already did. You: “That was a good hug. I like how your body pulled me in.” Same basic concept. You’re telling your ex that their body was giving you unconscious signals and “welcoming you back.” In many cases this can create a really nice self fulfilling prophecy.
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Final Thoughts Whew! And here we are at the end of the “Text Your Ex Back” program. As you probably figured out by now, this program is about a lot more than texting. It’s about getting closer to the person you love, accepting them for who they are (and inviting them to accept you for who you are), and laying the groundwork and foundation for a stronger and better relationship. Depending on how you worked the program and what your relationship with your ex was like before you started, you have one of three possible outcomes. • You’re dating your ex again. Congratulations! Have fun and KEEP DATING. Don’t let yourself fall into a rut of codependence like so many couples do. For tips on how to keep that spark going for the foreseeable future, check out http://www.texttheromanceback. com. • You’re “friendly” with your ex, but not dating. Honestly, there’s nothing wrong with this at all. If you still have your ex in your life and you both see each other as positive parts of your lives, that’s a good thing. And as long as the lines of communication are open, that gives you the chance to have more in the future. • You didn’t get what you wanted. Honestly? It happens. I’ve seen all of the techniques and ideas in this guide work again and again, but every relationship is different. It’s possible that you and your
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ex simply weren’t meant for each other, or that too much damage was done in your relationship for repair to be possible. If that’s the case, take a deep breath and realize that the pain you’re feeling will pass. And that everything you’ve learned in this guide is going to help you create the relationship you want and deserve in the future. In fact, I recommend that you “mine” this guide for stuff you can use while you’re dating. You’ll be astounded by the results you get “at the push of a button.” Thank you so much for going on this journey with me. I’d love to hear from you. If you have questions, comments, success stories, or anything else you’d like to share, just send an email to
[email protected].
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