Copyright © 2005 Spectra 2000 Pty Ltd ISBN: 0-9758202-1-4 All rights reserved. No part of the contents of this workbook or MP3 recordings may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means without the written permission of Spectra 2000 Pty Ltd.
http://www.tantracourse.com
Disclaimer New Dimension, the Authors, Spectra 2000 Pty Ltd and www.tantracourse.com makes no express or implied claims that you will be able to perform the related things in the audio MP3 or workbook as a result of purchasing this service or following its advice, or the advice given to others who participate in this service. The purpose of this course is to educate and entertain. New Dimension, the Authors, Spectra 2000 Pty Ltd and www.tantracourse.com are not engaged in rendering medical or psychological services. If medical or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional should be sought. New Dimension, the Authors, Spectra 2000 Pty Ltd and www.tantracourse.com shall have neither liability nor responsibility for any person or entity with person or entity with any respect to any losses or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly by the information contained in this course. New Dimension, the Authors, Spectra 2000 Pty Ltd and www.tantracourse.com does not in any way imply that you or any other person who uses this service will duplicate anyone else's success, which is not typical. New Dimension, the Authors, Spectra 2000 Pty Ltd and www.tantracourse.com does not know the people who buy this service, New Dimension, the Authors , Spectra 2000 Pty Ltd and www.tantracourse.com does not know their work habits, nor their background or skill level, and therefore can make no predictions concerning the results that will be achieved by the people who purchase from this course. By purchasing this product you hereby agree to never engage in a chain marketing scheme, to never send unsolicited commercial email, or engage in unfair or deceptive marketing practices of any kind. You agree that New Dimension, the Authors , Spectra 2000 Pty Ltd and www.tantracourse.com is not responsible for any success or failure that you or your partner may experience as a result of any information presented by New Dimension, the Authors , Spectra 2000 Pty Ltd and www.tantracourse.com, or any products or services offered by New Dimension, the Authors , Spectra 2000 Pty Ltd and www.tantracourse.com Common sense: you recognize that all sexual endeavours encompass risk. You freely and of your own will risk any and all capital you may choose to spend implementing concepts outlined while using this service. You will do so with skill and common sense. You will not hold New Dimension, the Authors , Spectra 2000 Pty Ltd and www.tantracourse.com liable or accountable in any way for any failure of the service to live up to your expectations. Your use of and purchasing and of this course is at your risk. New Dimension, the Authors , Spectra 2000 Pty Ltd and www.tantracourse.com, nor any other party involved in creating, producing, or delivering the course is liable for any direct, incidental, consequential, indirect, or punitive damages arising out of your access to, or use of, the Site or Service. Without limiting the foregoing, everything on the Site and included in the Service is provided to you "AS IS" WITHOUT WARRANTY OF ANY KIND, EITHER EXPRESSED OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY, FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE, OR NON-INFRINGEMENT. Please note that some jurisdictions may not allow the exclusion of implied warranties, so some of the above exclusions may not apply to you. Check your local laws for any restrictions or limitations regarding the exclusion of implied warranties.
About the Authors For 25 years Diane and Kerry have explored the great traditions of ecstatic sexuality, including Taoist sexology from ancient China, Tantra from ancient India, Shaman Indian sexuality from North America and sacred women’s sexuality from ancient Babylon. They combined these secrets and practices with the most recent research on sexuality from universities and sex therapists throughout the United States and read and studied extensively with numerous authors and teachers in this field. Their background in the human potential area is extensive. They have lectured to over 40,000 people and produced numerous CDs and video programs. They were featured in, and co produced the film “Secrets of Sacred Sex – a guide to love and intimacy” and wrote the international best seller "Sexual Secrets for Men". Also "Discovering Your Tantric Goddess Within". From their vast breadth of research and practice they devised their own unique practices. Since 1984, they have run numerous programs on relationships and sensual loving, they now run the Australian School of Tantra.
Table of Contents
TABLE OF CONTENTS Introduction to program………………………………………………………………………………………………..1 How to use this course…………………………………………………………………………………………………. 2 Program components……………………………………………………………………………………………………. 4 The workbook…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………5 Other products……………………………………………………………………………………………………………….6 Section one. ‘Exploration Tantric Lovemaking’ Overview…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………6 Intension………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..7 How this is relevant……………………………………………………………………………………………………….7 Method…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….7 Key points…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….. 8 Questions………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………16 Experiments………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….18 Results & Ideas…………………………………………………………………………………………………………….20
Section Two. ‘Ancient Arts For Modern Lovers’ Overview & Intention.……………………………………………………………………………………………......23 How this is relevant………………………………………………………………………………………………………24 Method……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… …25 Key points………………………………………………………………………………………………………………......26 Questions………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………33 Experiments………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….36 Results & ideas…………………………………………………………………………………………………………….39
Section Three. ‘Sexual Secrets That All Women Would Like Their Man to Know’ Overview & Intension……………………………………………………………………………………………………42 How this is relevant………………………………………………………………………………………………………43 Method………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….44 Key points…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….45 Questions………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………53 Experiments………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….56 Results & Ideas…………………………………………………………………………………………………………….59
Section Four. ‘The Body Sensual’ Overview & Intension…………………………………………………………………………………………………..62 How this is relevant………………………………………………………………………………………………………63 Method………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….63 Key points…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….65 Questions………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………68 Experiments………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….71 Results & Ideas…………………………………………………………………………………………………………….73
Tantric Lovemaking – secrets & practices Home Tantra course
Table of Contents
Additions And Extentions To The Course Differences in Desire – ‘Daily Devotion’………………………………………………………………………74 More Sweet Orgasms for Women….…………………………………………………………………………….79 Male Virility Drugs – Solution or Problem..……………….………………………………………………..85
Tantric Lovemaking – secrets & practices Home Tantra course
Introduction
‘Tantric Lovemaking – Secrets & Practices’ Home Tantra course
INTRODUCTION TO THE PROGRAM Welcome to Tantric Lovemaking –Secrets and Practices home tantra course. This is a personal change course and we appreciate and congratulate your commitment to improve and expand this area of your life. These practices will add a new dimension to what can potentially be the most enriching and enjoyable areas of your life: SEX, LOVE and RELATIONSHIP. This is an integrated learning system developed by the ‘Australian School of Tantra’ and based on the acclaimed “Tantric Lovemaking Secrets and Practices Course” taught internationally by Kerry and Diane Riley. This Tantra home course includes 8 x Mp3’s, and one comprehensive workbook that includes overview, intention, application to your love life, key points that extensively summarize the main points covered, questions, experiments, results and ideas. The course program allows you to put into practice, test out, and see the results from each module of the course. The course is designed for both men and women to get the best out of their love life. ¾ To become an extraordinary lover. ¾ Techniques to take you and your lover into sexual experiences that will have you both saying “that’s the best ever!” ¾ Ways for balancing differences in desire. For Men ¾ To increase your staying power. ¾ To satisfy your women on all levels. ¾ To turn sex into making love and pleasure into ecstasy.
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For Women ¾ To increase your sexual desire and enjoyment of good sex. ¾ To extend your orgasmic potential. ¾ To discover practices you can do to help your partner be able to last longer for you. ¾ Keys to open your partner to emotional intimacy and heartfelt connection with you. ¾ Turning love into a ritual. For Couples You will have new ways to add new energy to your love life and deepen your relationship together, physically, emotionally and spiritually. This course has produced amazing results for thousands of people. It has been taught over and over again to people from all walks of life. The way this course is presented is simple, easy to follow, it makes a lot of sense and most importantly it works! It is practical and all you have to do is follow the advice contained in the material. This program goes beyond theory, beyond book learning and into everyday erotic experience, becoming a natural part of what you do as an extraordinary lover.
HOW TO USE Tantric Lovemaking – Secrets & Practices home course The Mp3’s have been designed to allow individuals to work at their own pace. This is one of the advantages of taking the program this way. Some people may casually do the course over a year and others may want to develop it as soon as possible and complete it within a few days. Please Note: The original program was taught over four weeks with one week in between to practice the skills, complete the experiments and implement what you have developed into your love life. If you would like to adapt this formula then the following sequence is suggested.
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Introduction
The Mp3’s are numbered 1 to 8. Each module has two Mp3’s 1. Listen to Mp3 no.1 and Mp3 no.2
Read the corresponding section in the workbook (section 1 & 2 ‘An Exploration into Tantric lovemaking’)
Take one week to practice and repeat the exercises regularly.
Throughout that week complete the questions and experiments.
List the results so far.
Then Continue: 2. Listen to Mp3 no.3 and Mp3 no.4 Take the week to implement in your life as above. 3. Listen to Mp3 no.5 and Mp3 no.6 Take the week to implement in your life as above. 4. Listen to Mp3 no.7 and Mp3 no.8 Take the week to implement in your life as above. This way the whole program will be completed in four weeks. For the best results it is important to integrate each section before moving on to the next section. It may be tempting to want all the information first, however this is a practical course and remember it was taught over 4 weeks with each week in between to practice what you’ve learned. The week in between is essential to assimilate the information and apply it into your life. Tantra is about “Expansion”: expanding the ways you think about love and sexuality and of course expanding the ways you experience love and lovemaking. It is also about integration, making it part of your life in a real way, thus vastly improving the quality of love and romance in your life.
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Introduction
PROGRAM COMPONENTS The Tantric Lovemaking – secrets and practices home study course includes four sections comprising eight Mp3’s and a Workbook. Each section includes two Mp3’s. i.e. After listening to the first two Mp3’s then you can move on to the first section of the course in the workbook, and so on.
Mp3 no.1 & Mp3 no.2
An Exploration into Tantric Lovemaking ‘An Exploration into the Secrets and Practices of Tantric Lovemaking’ from the physical, emotional and spiritual perspectives. This will expand and transcend your understanding of sexual love as you know it.
Mp3 no.3 & Mp3 no.4
Ancient Arts for Modern Lovers Practical ways to: Keep love, intimacy and passion alive in your relationship, have longer and stronger orgasms, improve ejaculation control. Turn lovemaking into a joyful meditation that touches you on every level: body, heart and soul.
Mp3 no. 5 & Mp3 no.6
Mp3 no.7 & Mp3 no.8
‘Sexual Secrets That All Women Would Like Their Man to Know’ Longer and more satisfying lovemaking for men and women. Master all the skills of ejaculation control. Discover the secrets of sexual virility, stronger erections, making love over and over again at any age. Learn how to have prolonged orgasm without loss of energy. Give and receive love.
The Body Sensual for Men and Women A guided practice on Mp3 no.7 Experience deep relaxation evoking a whole sensual awareness. Mp3 no.8 Increase sexual desire and response, expand awareness, heal sexual inhibitions and connect with the eternal moment. 4
Tantric Lovemaking – Secrets & Practices Home Tantra Course
Introduction
THE WORK BOOK: The work book acts as a complete summary of the principles and information conveyed in the Mp3’s. There are six components in each section. These are: Overview: Outlines the information given in the section. Intention: Gives the prime learning outcome of the section. How this section is relevant: Specific references to how this section will benefit you. Key Points: The Key points summarize the main areas covered in this section of the course. Questions and Experiments: The questions and experiments give you a framework to adapt the material in the course to your personal situation. Results and ideas: A place to note results you have experienced and ideas on how to apply the material to your circumstances. PLEASE NOTE: Many of the key points are transcribed directly from the Mp3’s and as such may not be as grammatically correct as they would be if this were a book. It is ‘spoken word’ purposely not edited so that it puts you in a direct connection and relationship with the person speaking, and is a reinforcement of the way you heard it on the Mp3’s, as if you were present in the room with Kerry and Diane as they share the information. OTHER TANTRA PRODUCTS E-book ‘Sexual Secrets for Men - what every woman would want her man to know’ by Kerry Riley available at www.sexualsecretsformenebook.com E-book ‘Discovering Your Tantric Goddess Within’ by Diane Riley available at www.tantrasecretsforwomen.com DVD and Video ‘The Secrets of Sacred Sex’ Co-created by Kerry and Diane Riley. (This is one of the most popular and widely acclaimed Tantric educational videos on the market today) available at www.tantricdvd.com For more information on the Australian School of Tantra workshops and private sessions go to www.australianschooloftantra.com.au To contact ‘New Dimension’, the company that has brought this product to you, please email
[email protected] 5
Tantric Lovemaking – Secrets & Practices Home Tantra Course
SECTION ONE This section requires you to have listened to Mp3 no.1 & Mp3 no. 2
‘Exploration into Tantric Lovemaking’
Exploration Into Tantric Lovemaking
‘Exploration Into Tantric Lovemaking’
OVERVIEW: This first section of the course is to give you an overview of what Tantric lovemaking is about. Tantra itself is a spiritual science and philosophy on life from ancient India. In its basic essence it is very similar to Taoism from China. Both involve balancing the male and female energies to create harmony and have an ultimate goal of unity or spiritual ecstasy, known as individual enlightenment. Tantra encourages one to explore every aspect of life. So obviously the study of sexuality was included, not just included but in fact revered. The study of sexuality in the west is very new, whereas relics of Tantric rituals date back nearly 5000 years. So there is an incredible wealth of knowledge we can draw on and use in our lovemaking. However the purpose of this course is not to teach traditional Tantra. Kerry and Diane Riley provide a contemporary approach to Tantra drawing on what has worked for them and the thousands of people they have shared these practices with. They address such practical issues as:
If the sizzle has gone out of your sexual relationship, what can Tantra do for you? Balancing differences in libido. How can you bring a spiritual aspect to lovemaking? A lot of people say “we never have time” - what does Tantra have to offer? How to explore and expand the amount of sexual pleasure you can experience and bring to your partner. How to maintain exciting sexual passion in a committed relationship while managing the stress of life and work.
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Exploration Into Tantric Lovemaking
INTENTION: To give you an insight into how you can incorporate the practices of contemporary Tantra to enhance and even transform your love life.
HOW THIS IS RELEVANT:
Have you ever found yourself looking forward to making love but by the time you get into bed you’re just too tired?
Or too tired and he still wants sex?!
Or too tired and she still wants sex or more loving attention?
Do you sometimes feel you have gotten into habitual ways of making love and it’s just not as exciting as it used to be, but you’re not sure what to do about it?
You still love each other but it’s not as exciting anymore? Do you want to last longer for your woman but as soon as she gets excited you finish?
These are just a few situations people run into. This section provides ways to change these occurrences and provides many solutions to other common situations that lovers may experience.
METHOD: Instead of Kerry and Diane simply lecturing on this topic, they are asked practical questions from an interviewer, a layperson who is not educated in the practice of Tantra. This way you get a simple and practical explanation that most likely addresses many of your own questions about Tantra. A unique aspect of this course is that it provides understandings and practices from both a woman’s and a man’s perspective. Even more importantly, the knowledge comes from a committed couple who have been together for over twenty years practicing Tantra. This is rare in the teachings of Tantra currently available in books or seminars.
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KEY POINTS: ♥ Comments and insights from people who have studied Kerry and Diane’s Tantric Lovemaking methods. Mary Anne: “The sexual techniques that we have been taught extend into everyday life and extend into even the type of hugs we give each other, or the way we look at each other. From that sort of thing right up to the intensity and excitement of great pleasure and many orgasms in a row, it varies.” Peter: “We have certain simple techniques that we use regularly, a whole gamut of things that can be done, and we do set aside several weeks a year to experience that within a holiday environment, but everyday techniques are easy to apply. They are not complicated nor take time.” Ralph: “The real highlight I remember is an exquisite gorgeous feeling that I had in my heart at one point when we were actually doing the techniques.” Trish: “It was a revelation that sex could be such a sacred thing. And I felt a healing happen inside of me as a woman that I was being honored, not just a sexual object or to be used to for someone else’s needs. ♥ Following is an intimate interview with Kerry and Diane: Q: “If the sizzle has gone out my loving relationship can you do something for me?” Kerry: Tantric lovemaking can do something for you. In the early stages of relationship when you first meet someone, when anyone first meets someone and they are in love with them there is lots of energy, there’s lots of passion, there’s lots of lovemaking, there’s lots of excitement. And if we are not conscious lovers we can easily fall into a pattern and that pattern can become habitual, and the excitement is not there as before. You can bring back different elements, for example explore more romance in your lovemaking. Put a time aside to set up a “space” where you bring in elements of lighting and colors and smells and incense and some flowers. Diane: Yes, it’s starting to make the ordinary extraordinary again. Physical elements, but also the element of attitude. So when you come into lovemaking in a Tantric way, you can look at your beloved as though she is the embodiment of all women, and for the woman to look at her beloved as if he is the embodiment of all men. It transforms lovemaking from just Harry and June making love to the Shiva and the Shakti meeting in this extraordinary place.
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♥ Q: What do you mean by Shiva and Shakti? Diane: Shiva and Shakti were ancient Hindu deities. Shiva represented all man, and Shakti represents everything that was feminine, and they started a dance together and this led to the creation of the world. So Tantric lovemaking reflects for us getting in touch with that divine essence, with that divine spark that both male and female hold as a potential within. ♥ Q: Is there a spiritual aspect to lovemaking? Kerry: Yes, well definitely, there’s a spiritual aspect of lovemaking. Men will say, “Well, I’ve have tried everything, I know the 101 ways, I know the location of the clitoris, I know the location of the G-spot, I enjoy oral sex, what else is there?” That’s the physical side of sexuality. That’s only one aspect of what Tantra is about. Ask yourself the question, how much love are you sending your beloved while making love? I’m sure many people have had an experience that took them to the depths of love, the heights of ecstasy and beyond that sometimes, where there was some sense that this is touching something deeper, a soul-nourishing experience. I’d call that a spiritual experience. Diane: The secrets of Tantric lovemaking can provide education to give us a much wider context of what sexuality is about. Sexuality is not only Lingum and Yoni or penis and vagina, the physical, but sexuality is also about just how much love you can transmit through your touch. How much love you can you send your beloved through your eyes. How much love can you feel in your heart connect with your beloved while you’re making love. Kerry: I believe that most men want to be good in bed. A lot of men think it’s how you do it that makes you good, if you can get her to orgasm and so on. That’s great, but what I want to stress and this is one of the greatest secrets; the way to a woman’s sexuality, the way to her yoni her sacred place is through the heart. ♥ Q: What does Yoni mean? Diane: Yoni means ‘sacred place’ or ‘hidden valley’, so for me I will take my vagina to the gynecologist but I’ll have a yoni while making love. And Kerry has a Lingum meaning ‘wand of light’, instead of a dick or a penis, a term that sounds quite anemic, where as a Lingum is a wand of light! Kerry: We have drawn on ancient Tantra for those terms and they are unusual to use at first, but I have considered how can I make my lovemaking sacred and beautiful, romantic and wonderful, however when I’m calling it a dick, I realize the term carries derogatory energy. Just think of how you feel about someone when you say “you dickhead”. Therefore these names, lingum and yoni, bring some magic to sexuality, back to lovemaking. 9
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♥ Q: How can you bring more intimacy into lovemaking? Kerry: First of all realize the importance of intimacy, its not how many strokes you can do or the kind of strokes you can do that is going to make the difference, its how much love you can send. It’s a truth that if a woman is feeling the love, the nurturing, she trusts more and her sexuality starts to open up, so if you want to be good in bed men have got to learn to be more intimate. Men who can be more intimate express intimacy; feel his intimacy and he will never have a shortage of women in his life. ♥ Q: What can I do to create more intimacy? Kerry: Your eyes are the windows to the soul, have some more eye contact. Practice this with your partner outside of making love and then when you’re making love. We know from the movies and magazines that often lovemaking will happen with eyes shut, and what happens with our eyes shut we are often in a faraway place. We may be having a lovely time ourselves physically, however there is not that deep connection between you and your partner. Having eyes open sometimes during lovemaking can be unusual at first but just try it for a few moments at first until you become more comfortable with it. You don’t need to do it all the time, just occasionally. When you have your eyes open occasionally, you are being totally present with your partner. You are allowing a deeper connection, a much deeper sharing emotionally and this amplifies the potency of sexual energy shared. To make love with eyes open is an important step to having a Tantric experience. ♥ Q: I have heard that the aim of Tantra for a man is not to orgasm, is that right? Kerry: We need to make a distinction between ejaculation and orgasm. man doesn’t orgasm this isn’t good for him. This idea of not orgasming misunderstanding in Tantra. The thing to understand is that orgasm happen without ejaculation. Non-ejaculation rather than no orgasm is skill to learn and this is covered in my book and our Tantra course.
If a is a can the
There is value in building energy through non-ejaculation, especially as a man gets older. If he can build his energy over two or three times without ejaculation, then when he finally releases he feels young again – he experiences more of a whole body orgasm, not just a ‘bleep’ as an older man unfortunately can often identify with! ♥ Q: A lot of people say, “we never have time” for sex… Diane: What happens, and naturally it happens without being aware, is that making love gets put further and further down the priority list. So I suggest to couples to actually put a time on the calendar and organize everything so 10
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it’s taken care of. Tantric lovemaking is about creating energy and love and care and nurturing of your partner. Are you too tired to be nurtured? To be held? To be caressed? What I suggest is that a lot of people are really too tired for a big performance, for that struggle towards orgasm. Kerry and I, if we are too tired at end of evening, will come together just to charge each other up again. That may only be for five minutes, and I can always have five minutes for love. People may say well “how can you make love in five minutes?” We have a process called the ‘daily devotion’, which we teach couples, and it’s great for busy couples. It’s five minutes together, where you come together and make a connection genitally and with your heart. But you have no intention of performing, no movement is required, the purpose is to nourish each other, to be connected and to harmonize body, mind and spirit. Kerry: Men love to be inside yoni, and if you can be there everyday without having to perform, without having to even have an erection, after three days of doing that you have an erection no mater what your age is. Diane: Also, for women it is very reassuring to know that if you are going to be together so that you’re just going to be held and caressed and that lingum will be inside yoni, but you don’t have to do anything. Energy will start happening on its own accord between lingum and yoni and heart and heart. ♥ Q: What about the balance of libido in people? I mean, people say, “Oh, you know my husband always wants it” or “I want sex and he doesn’t”, “he wants it, and I don’t”. Can you balance it out? Diane: Again ‘daily devotion’ is a great practice for balancing libido. It is about being together, genitals connected. If one partner has more desire than another they can still have that deep sexual connectedness and heart connectedness. It also harmonizes the couple emotionally, because a lot of women don’t want to make love because they are not nurtured emotionally through the heart. But once this strong heart connection gets addressed and she feels loved and nurtured, then the energy will flow more often than not to her yoni, and then she will be ready to make love with her partner. (For more about ‘daily devotion’ see additions and extensions at the end of the workbook.) Kerry: I think for a man one of the most fearful things is to have a woman whose sexual energy is stronger than yours. Especially as we are ageing, very often men’s libido starts to drop and women’s energy often becomes stronger. Men should realize that there are other ways of making love where you can provide sex and love for your beloved at any time of the day. With the skills of Tantric lovemaking you can match the libido of any woman. Tantric masters would have 20 consorts or more to whom they were making love, and sometimes all in the one night. In special Tantric rituals they 11
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developed some wonderful skills and these are some of the greatest secrets I can share with you, and I do that in more detail later in the course. ♥ Q: All the magazines, the glossies that kids read these days, the teenage kids and then into their twenties, it’s all about sex, but it all seems to be on the surface doesn’t it? Diane: These magazines focus on the physical side of lovemaking, they are about techniques for recreational sex, some are great, however we are teaching about something far deeper. I would love for all young girls, as they’re growing up, to learn the arts of Tantric lovemaking; to know the spiritual significance sexuality can have for them. Tantra teaches by blending sexual passion with the passion of the heartfelt love and combining this with a meditative experience, that the sexual spiritual energy is released. This energy belongs to women and is the most potent transformative energy available on the planet today. In ancient times female sexuality was honored, not only for reproduction, but also for the way it inspired passion, desire and pleasure. Earth-centered civilizations considered the divine feminine as the creative source of all life. Ancient temples to the goddess Innana, Ishta, Astate existed in ancient Babylonian times. These deities personified the union of sexuality and spiritually. And women were custodians of this energy. And I think its time again for women to be reintroduced to the notion that sexuality can be reconciled with their spirituality. When connected as one it becomes a transformative creative and life-affirming force. Tantra is not just about sexual exercises to get into 101 positions so that you can come simultaneously. It’s about an energy that can transform things that are going on in your own life, your lover’s life and the people around your life. How can this be achieved? Through using devotion, through using meditation, through using your breath. ♥ Q: Could these techniques you are talking about help a single man or woman become more attractive to the opposite sex? Kerry: The methods we teach can be used equally with single people as they can with a committed partner. Diane is brilliant working with women in evoking what we call the Shakti energy, which is, in Tantric terms, the sexual and spiritual energy that resides within women and through the work of evoking that Shakti, awakening that Shakti, women become very attractive. This is how women can increase their attractiveness. This awakening of the Shakti happens by playing ‘The Body Sensual’ Mp3 No 7 and No 8 over and over again. This is an important practice in the last section of this course.
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♥ Q: You and Diane are very much in love, and enjoy exploring the more spiritual aspect of sex. Is that what you focus on in Tantric lovemaking? Kerry: Tantric lovemaking as we teach it involves three aspects, the physical, emotional and spiritual. One aspect is the physical, how much ecstasy you can experience during lovemaking, how far you surrender to your pleasure. We learn to expand and give, receive and generate more and more and to be able to go into the higher states of whole body orgasm. According to Taoist sexology most women orgasm at lever four, but they say there are nine levels that they can actually go through. Through these secrets you can go and nourish higher and higher levels. It’s only the mind that stops pleasure, when a woman has an orgasm the mind will say, “I’ve had my orgasm.” But there is much more beyond that, the potential of the Shakti is truly unlimited. Ecstasy has not been explored to it full extent, but you add to that the intimacy, now that’s the challenge. You have love burning with the sexual passion that you transcend into an area that touches the soul - a spiritual experience. If he knows these secrets, a man can take his woman to levels of ecstasy she hasn’t been before. At the same time he feels his deep love and intimacy, she may experience transcendental spaces, then that woman will never leave that man, and her love will know bounds. If you’re single you learn these skills by practicing yourself, before you even have a partner. So when you are finally with the person you love, they stay with you. ♥ Q: How can you increase and expand the amount of ecstasy you can take as a person. Kerry: For a man, the essential skill is ejaculation control. One of a man’s biggest disappointments in bed is coming too soon. The way you practice this, is that you make love in your normal way, but as soon you get to a point where you are starting to peak you use techniques to stay in that orgasmic energy area, without the urgency of impending ejaculation. You can experience this for up to half an hour or more, going from peak to peak to peak as more and more energy is being built up in the body. ♥ Q: Is this the same for a woman? Diane: Yes, A woman can be in this orgasmic state too! She needs to coordinate well with her man and communicate with him verbally or non verbally. To assist him she needs to know when to stop all movement for a moment or two, or even for a few minutes. This will allow him to assimilate all his sexual energy and there are other techniques we will be describing later on how she can actually physically assist him in this way. For her sexual energy builds and peaks again and again, so when orgasm or multiple 13
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orgasms come, it’s the most powerful experience she can have sexually and each time she can truly say to her partner “that was the best experience I have had!” Q: You both used the word techniques; can you take us a little bit further with a technique? Kerry: There are many techniques and some work best for some people and some work better for others, depending on your age and circumstance. A fundamental technique for both men and women is strengthening your pubococcygeus muscle - the PC muscle. In order to stop urination midstream you would tighten this muscle. You practice it separate from urinating. You can do this exercise while you’re driving your car, while you walk, while you’re talking. To strengthen a muscle it needs to be repeated over and over again, what important is not only to know and understand the theory but also to put it into practice. Once this muscle is located and strengthened, many additional muscles in the genital pelvic area can be isolated for both men and women. And can be used to give and receive physical pleasure. We know a woman who practiced this exercise for half an hour every day driving to work in the mornings. But after a month she had to stop because she became orgasmic while driving. I suggest you start to practice this squeeze and release of the PC muscles up to 300 times day for a month and then after that as you find appropriate. This muscle can get very strong. In Taoist sexology (ancient Chinese studies equivalent to Tantra, in a way, from China) Taoist sages would have that muscle so strong that they could put their lingum in a glass of water and empty that glass of water through their lingum, as if it were a straw. I am amazed at how strong that muscle can get, that you can create a stage called injaculation (ejaculating internally). We give men techniques of how to do that manually later in this course to experience what it feels like. For women, the PC muscle can really enhance orgasmic potential as well. So if you are a woman who orgasms easily that will elongate that orgasmic feeling and then you’ll go into multiple orgasm, and if you’re a women who struggles to reach orgasm you will find it much easier to get there.
♥ This course is for everyone from young people nineteen years old to couples
in their sixties are who have been married for forty years. It’s wonderful to see couples of mature years really sparking with each other again.
♥ If you want to become a great musician, a great engineer, you study with the best. If you want to become a great artist you study also. So doesn’t it make sense that the area of love and sexuality should be an area that everyone 14
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really explores? Just because love and sex can be the strongest transmitters of energy in the human body and it’s just a wonderful journey into love together. When you decide, “Well, I’m not going to be affected by the way society has looked at sexuality at the past, I’m choosing to keep love and sexual passion alive for a lifetime together, and I’m going to do whatever is necessary.” ♥ Tantric lovemaking is a way to combine deep intimate love from the heart with a strong sexual passion from the genitals and expressing that in a sacred way, in a way the really touches your soul. So that lovemaking in a relationship is more than just good sexual experiences. It’s a way in which to enrich the whole relationship encompassing body, heart and soul.
Daily Devotion
*Note: For more information about ‘Daily Devotion’ see ‘Additions & Extensions’ section at the end of the workbook 15
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QUESTIONS: 1. What is your motivation for doing this course? What would you like to get out of it?
2. What do you enjoy about making love currently?
3. What are some things you have learned from this section that you could develop to enhance your love life? (A) Physically:
(A) Emotionally:
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(C) Spiritually:
4.
What is the meaning of:Yoni:
Lingum:
Shakti:
PC Muscle:
5. What is one tantric attitude you could bring into your love life?
6. What is one practice you could do when you find yourself not finding time to make love?
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EXPERIMENTS: Experiment (1) Shut your eyes and focus your awareness in your genitals. This may take a few moments to sense. Then focus your awareness in your heart. Imagine that a physical connection exists between them. It could be a golden light joining these two energy centers; perhaps it is a thread of silk, of satin ribbon connecting the heart in your chest and your lingam/yoni in the cradle of your hips. For some people it may be a feeling such as the sensation of a running stream or waterfall linking these two parts of the body. For others, it may be just the thought of a strong continuum of energy from heart to pelvis and pelvis to heart. Experiment (2) List other names for vagina and penis that are used in our community. Some are derogatory and used for insults. In Tantra it’s healing to have personal or sacred names for your genitals. What are your personal names for penis/vagina? Experiment (3) Next time you’re making love just stop, just stop in the middle of your lovemaking and for a moment just look at your beloved. Look in his/her eyes and consciously breathe in and say, ‘I love you,’ and breathe the energy up out of your lingum or yoni and into your heart. Experiment (4) While making love, if you find you are concentrating too much on her “coming” or if you’re a woman you find you are concentrating too much on “Am I going to come?” Or your mind is not present and you are not feeling as much as you would like to, get your partner’s attention and ask him/her to breathe with you. You can still keep moving but focus on your breath (eyes open or closed). Experiment (5) PC muscle exercises: First, mentally locate the muscle, the one that you would use to hold back urination. Locate the muscle and tighten it. Tighten and hold, then release. Again tighten, hold and release, locate the muscle, tighten, hold and release. 18
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The release is just as important as the contraction. In the early stages you may be tightening the whole body, but then as you practice you will get to isolate that muscle and perhaps just do the pelvic floor muscles and eventually you will get the specific muscle. Do this contraction and release of the PC muscle for a set of sixty, three times per day for at least one month to see a real difference. Remember you can do it at any time; in fact you could do a few contractions right now. Experiment (6) Start pumping the PC muscle sometimes while you are making love. Ask if your partner can feel your muscle contractions. For Women; when in sexual embrace with your partner, lie completely still together and practice the PC squeeze – ask your partner if he can feel the pressure and what do the yoni contractions feel like for him? Experiment (7) Advanced exercise for women While in a sexual embrace, but apart from your regular intercourse, try contracting the internal vaginal muscles, imagining bands of muscles starting from the opening of the yoni, to deeper inside the yoni. Ask him for feedback - can he feel the length of his lingum being massaged?
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RESULTS & IDEAS: Results What happened when you tried the experiments? Experiment (1)
Experiment (2)
Experiment (3)
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Experiment (4)
Experiment (5)
Experiment (6)
Experiment (7)
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Ideas This is a place to note your ideas on how to apply the material to your circumstances.
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SECTION TWO This section requires you to have listened to Mp3 no.3 & Mp3 no. 4
‘Ancient Arts for Modern Lovers’
Ancient Arts for Modern Lovers
‘Ancient Arts for Modern Lovers’ OVERVIEW: In order for you to obtain the most out of this section of the course, the approach will be two-fold. Firstly you will be given knowledge about Tantra, education about these ancient arts and lovemaking attitudes. This will give you the opportunity to expand and weave them together with your own attitudes and as a result open new horizons and possibilities in your love life. This education is so important, because our attitudes to sex have been greatly influenced by our upbringing in a society that gave us mental associations with sex of fear, guilt, secrecy and shame. Although you may not see it that way now, as an adult often early conditioning is still in your subconscious and it affects your ability to truly feel all the bliss and ecstasy that can occur during lovemaking. Secondly we will be combining this knowledge and education with techniques, skills and practices to turn your lovemaking into an art form. We assume that you have already listened to Mp3’s no.1 and no.2 ‘An Exploration into Tantric Lovemaking’ and so you’re familiar with our approach to lovemaking, which is a way of combining sexuality, love and spirituality in the most beautiful blend that it can be. We also assume that you’re familiar with some of the terms that we use. For example instead of Penis we use the word ‘Lingam’ because it means “wand of light”. And for Vagina we used the word ‘Yoni’ which means “sacred place or hidden valley”.
INTENTION: To give you the education and the practices necessary to increase ecstasy for both you and your partner during sexual loving – physically, emotionally and spiritually.
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HOW THIS IS RELEVANT: For Women Do you sometimes want your orgasms to be stronger or want to feel more sensation during intercourse?
Do you find yourself pushing towards climax but don’t know how to trigger your release?
Do you find your partner is not giving you enough intimacy during the day but as soon as he gets into bed he wants sex?
For Men Do you wish for more control over ejaculation?
Are you having times when you are making love and you find you are losing your erection strength? Or finding it not as easy to get an erection as you used to? The Mind is willing but the body isn’t!
Do you find your partner complaining she is not getting the intimacy or romance she needs from you? (Which often shows up as “I don’t feel like sex tonight.”)
For Couples Would you like to bring a more sacred aspect into your lovemaking?
Turn sexual loving into a meditation that nourishes you on all levels: body, heart and soul.
Bond your relationship even closer together.
This section of the course gives you practical ways to handle all of these situations and many more. It addresses not only our physical needs in our sexual loving but also our emotional and spiritual needs.
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METHOD: A. Physical Ecstasy:- The practices given in the first section include: (i) Strengthening the PC muscle to strengthen orgasmic sensation. (ii) PC muscle combined with breath exercises in order to spread energy throughout your body. This way you have a whole body experience rather than just a genital experience. Ecstasy happens with PC contractions
(iii) (iv)
For women there are two techniques of pumping the PC and using visualization during intercourse to bring on orgasm. For men, two extra techniques, new techniques for ejaculation control and extending lovemaking for as long as you choose.
Connecting with the heart
.
B. Heartfelt Ecstasy:- Experiencing, respondding to and expressing your heartfelt emotions to create more love and intimacy. Practices for being more emotionally intimate throughout the day, not just in bed; eye contact for more intimacy; sharing your feelings and positive, supportive communication with your partner. Physically and emotionally touching your partners’ heart center to remind you both of your love.
C. .Spiritual Ecstasy:- A White Tantra exercise to help train your mind to be more present during lovemaking. A practice of Red Tantra, a joint meditation sexual practice with your partner connecting your sexual center with your spiritual center. Ways to make your lovemaking the most sacred experience that it can be.
Yab Yum. The red Tantra meditation 25
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KEY POINTS: ♥ Tantric lovemaking is a journey and a spiritual path which you can have individually, or share with a partner, towards experiencing your highest potentials – physically, emotionally and spiritually. ♥ If you’re single, by doing these practices you may find your magnetic attractiveness is increased and as a result may draw to yourself a suitable partner and when you do, you’ll have extra skills to develop and maintain a nurturing and passionate partnership. ♥ If already in relationship, you and your partner will be opened up to new heights of love on all levels of body, heart and soul. You will also have insights and techniques for deeply connecting with your partner and experiencing transcendental states while lovemaking. ♥ If you want to be proficient at anything, there are certain skills that are essential to master. It’s like learning to dance – you first learn the skills and techniques then you practice so that when you finally dance you can just go with the music. You don’t have to think about the skills, they just come naturally. It’s the same with Tantric lovemaking, but to get to that stage of proficiency it’s important to practice the skills. ♥ If you suffer from prostate difficulties or sexual or life-threatening diseases or are pregnant, please consult your doctor before doing these practices. ♥ Understanding the principles of Tantric lovemaking can help you expand your attitudes to sexual loving. Tantra is a spiritual science from ancient India, there are texts dating back some two thousand years. In its basic essence it is very similar to Taoism from China, both involve balancing the Male and Female energies to create harmony, and have an ultimate goal of unity or spiritual ecstasy known as enlightenment. Tantra encouraged one to explore every aspect of life, so obviously the study of sexuality was included, not only included, but in fact revered. Making love was seen as a gift to God. There was no repression or guilt attached to sex. It was taught that when a man approached his beloved he should have a sacred feeling as if he were going into a temple. The ancient art of sexual loving was the noblest of arts to study. ♥ For most of us there is no quality education, no real education about how to extend love in sexual ways to your partner, other than intercourse with penis in vagina and perhaps more recently with stimulation of clitoris and nipples. This is a very limiting view, Tantra encompasses so much more. ♥ Thank goodness it’s changing now and you can get wider perspectives about sexuality. This has been greatly assisted by the explosion of information on love and sex in the media over the last few years on radio, TV and the 26
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magazines. This is the first stage of a new era in the area of sexual loving, the sexual revolution of the sixties was only the beginning, we are now moving into a sexual evolution. In Tantric writings they say that Tantra is born again from age to age, we have been in the dark ages in the area of sexual love, many things in the future will change and the sacredness will reunite with sexual loving. Not in the same form as ancient times but in a new form adapted for modern lovers, and what is exciting is that you are a pioneer, I mean you are on the cusp of that change now and your willingness to listen to do this program and your openness to expanding your attitudes to love and sex. ♥ Tantra for Modern Lovers In this course we don’t teach the sexual arts of Tantra per se, we have adapted them for modern lovers and take on what we like and what works for us, and we encourage you to do the same thing. This is a contemporary approach to tantra, suitable for everyone to try. One of the meanings of the word Tantra is to ‘expand’. That is, it’s not one thing and this is important to understand. It includes every aspect of sexual loving. Many people think Tantra only includes long slow lovemaking without orgasm, and it does include that. But that’s only one end of the spectrum. Tantric lovemaking includes the other end of the spectrum, and that is hot, juicy, passionate sex with mind-blowing orgasms and I like that too, and I'm sure many of you do. Tantric lovemaking encompasses the lot, the whole spectrum. It includes the way you already make love and introduces you to expanding into other modalities – physical, mental and spiritual. One caveat: whatever you practice on your own or with a partner, no harm is to be done on any level to yourself or others, physically, emotionally or spiritually. ♥ Expanding Ecstasy:- Physically. One way to increase your physical sensation in the sexual area is to strengthen your PC muscle, because this muscle is the main muscle involved in orgasm. So it if gets stronger, then when you have an orgasm your orgasm feels stronger. Also men can use this muscle for ejaculation control so you both get the opportunity to make love much longer and give and receive a whole lot more pleasure. By exercising this muscle regularly it also helps men to retain the strength of their erection, which can give both partners a lot more enjoyment. For women, strengthening the PC also enhances your orgasmic pleasure too. It’s an essential exercise to be done on a continuing basis for women of all ages. ♥ Another way to expand ecstatic feelings is to learn to coordinate the PC contractions with the breath, consciously aware breathing is a key in Tantra and this will be your first experience of using the breath to spread pleasure throughout the body. You can use this exercise separately from lovemaking as a way of strengthening the PC, or you can use it during lovemaking or during self-pleasuring. 27
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What you’re doing is taking sexual energy felt in the genitals and you are spreading it through whole body, so it becomes a whole body sensation, not just a genital sensation. You can do this practice at each peak of pleasure, at each peak of pleasure you build up the energy to a peak and then you suck it up with the PC and the breath, and then release the PC contraction and this assists to spread it again. What you are going to find is if you do this exercise it’s going to reduce your need to ejaculate, so you will be able to make love for much longer, and when you do come you are going to find it is going to be much longer and much stronger. ♥ Women, you can use this PC breath exercise during lovemaking too. In a similar way where you breathe in and squeeze the PC, and you imagine the energy drawing up from his wand of light and taking that up to your heart. Then spread the energy with the release of the breath and the release of the PC, so when you squeeze the PC imagine that you are drawing the energy up, up high into the heart. As you do this you are inhaling and then releasing the PC and exhaling the breath. You can do this for 5 to 6 breaths at a time, several times during lovemaking when you feel it’s appropriate. Experiment a little and see what works for you and your partner. ♥ However, we know from sexual research including the Hite report, that orgasm during intercourse can be elusive for over 50% of women. So if this is the same for you, to increase pleasure you will need to focus and gather sexual energy, rather than spreading throughout the body all the time. There are two excellent ways of doing this. Firstly, visualizing energy entering in at the big toe, running along the foot, along the inside of the legs and thighs up into the yoni, into the clitoris, and ovaries and uterus. This is the pathway of the spleen, kidney and liver meridians, which run sexual energy throughout the body in Chinese acupuncture. Sometimes when you’re making love you might have noticed that your big toe curls over, this is because the spleen and liver meridian start in the big toe. So what you do is to visualize energy moving along these meridians from the feet to the inside of the ankles, calves, thighs up into the clitoris and yoni. And sexual energy will build, leading to heightened pleasure, leading to orgasm. A second way is using the PC squeezes during intercourse. It’s a great way to focus the mind and attention on your own pleasure in the yoni to really connect with the neurotransmitters of pleasure. This will amplify your pleasure and in fact some women can induce orgasm themselves with this method alone. Your partner will also find this feels fantastic on his lingam, however if you continue the PC squeezes for longer periods he’ll have to be well-practiced in the arts of Tantric lovemaking to be able to handle that amount of pleasure.
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♥ One of the major difficulties for many couples in reaching higher states of pleasure is that the man climaxes too soon. If you try this PC breath exercise for ejaculation control and a peak of energy and it doesn’t work as well as you would like, than it’s simply because your PC isn’t strong enough yet. That’s all it is, all you need to do is continue the exercises. ♥ The manual prostate pump:– In the meantime, there is something else you can do to release the urgency to ejaculate and that is to manually pump the prostate area. The prostate enlarges near ejaculation, to manually pump the area take your hand to the region between the scrotum and the anus, and press firmly up in that area with two or three fingers, and you hold it for two or three seconds, and then you gradually release. You pump it like this manually several times, maybe ten times until you feel your erection starting to subside. You can then continue to make love; again your lovemaking can go on indefinitely doing this. ♥ As your PC muscle gets stronger you will not need to use this manual pumping technique at all. You will be so proficient at it that during intercourse you will barely need to stop movement at all. A simple easy contraction and release of the PC will be enough, and your partner will not even be aware that you’re doing it, but that takes some practice to get to that stage. ♥ Techniques for women helping the man:– Women can help their men with ejaculation control in many ways. Here’s one I’ll share with you now. It works on the principle that as man is about the ejaculate, his testes or ‘jewels’ get drawn up closer to his body. So what we do is to reverse the process by pulling the testes down. The pull needs to be gentle but still quite firm. You won’t hurt him as long as you’re not squeezing the testes together. Continue to hold them for 30 seconds or longer and repeat when necessary. Now depending on body sizes and lovemaking positions the woman might find it hard to reach his scrotum. So the man can do this for himself. Either way genital contact is not interrupted and lovemaking can have many more magic moments. ♥ Heartfelt Ecstasy:– Heartfelt Loving The second element to bring more ecstasy to lovemaking is focusing on the heart component - how much love you can feel while making love. A lot of people use the term ‘making love’ whenever they have sex, but to me making love has a higher vibration, a unique blending of your sexual passion, connecting the heat of your genitals with a deep love and intimacy you feel in your heart. ♥ What’s important for men to realize is that to become a good lover you need not only be an artist with your lingam, you have got to be an artist with your heart also. So try being much more romantic and much more loving with your partner and not only in bed but throughout the day. A lot of men make 29
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the big mistake of only lovingly touching their partner when they’re in bed. They forget about it throughout the day, especially if they have been together or married for quite some time. Try giving her much more attention for three weeks and see the effect. Again, knowing about something and practicing it are totally different things. Knowing about this doesn’t count, bringing home flowers every day for a week, taking time to sit and talk, to massage her shoulders, to let her know you love her, that counts! ♥ One way for both men and women to create more intimacy is to keep eye contact. We will often shut our eyes while making love and go into our own space, which can be really nice, of course. But to be more intimate and maintain contact while you are making love, not all the time but often, stop and open your eyes and feel your love, feel your connection to your beloved. ♥ For women, to get your partner to open his eyes during lovemaking this may be more difficult for some men as feelings of vulnerability may surface. As a suggestion, pamper his male ego and affirm his skill in some way e.g. “this feels so good”, “your lingam feels amazing” then go on to ask him to open his eyes, talk to him and tell him of your feelings of love for him and that you want to connect even more with him. ♥ Making eye contact helps him to connect the pleasure and passion he feels in his genitals with the warmth in his heart and intensifies his feeling of love for you. ♥ The other thing you can do to have more intimacy while making love is talk to your partner, share your innermost feelings, share your innermost feelings of love. A lot of people only make love in silence with a few ooh’s and ahh’s. But it’s nice sometimes to speak your heart, it’s more intimate and it’s more romantic to say loving things to your partner while making love. ♥ There are other ways to communicate this heart energy. In eastern traditions they say there are seven major chakras starting at the base of the spine and finishing at the crown of the head. The heart chakra or the heart center, being in the middle, is of utmost importance. It is in the center of the chest between the nipples and it is also called ‘the seat of compassion’. It’s important to have ways of connecting the heart centers. Simply touching your partner at their heart center can help open them to intimacy. Also, Tantric traditions teach that heart energy can be directed along the arms to the hands, so that the hands become wonderful transmitters of energy, extensions of the heart. ♥ Spiritual Ecstasy:– Turning lovemaking into a meditation. Tantric lovemaking can be a spiritual practice, a meditation. Tantra in fact urges meditation, the conscious turning away from the mind, from the things of the world in order to be totally present in what you are doing, to experience a kind of inner peace. Sometimes during really high experiences I 30
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feel a sense of expanded consciousness of melting into the cosmos. Eastern religions would call this a state of ‘Samadhi’ or ‘bliss’. By learning how to turn your lovemaking into a meditation, these experiences will happen much more often for you. ♥ You can do this meditation alone. It’s called ‘White Tantra’. When you do it with a partner and you bring in sexual energy it’s called ‘Red Tantra’ – we find Red Tantra the most powerful. You can practice ‘Red Tantra’ during lovemaking or separately from lovemaking as a meditation together. The man can sit in a chair with his back upright. This is a common position for meditative practices, keeping the spine upright. The woman can sit on top of the man, lingam in yoni, although this is not necessary. You don’t have to be in a heightened state of sexual energy to do this, as long as the genitals are touching. Start breathing and squeezing the PC as you breathe in and imagine energy or white light moving up the spine. You can actually take it right from the genitals at the base of the spine right up into the crown chakra. This is the spiritual energy center at the top of the head. You make the sipping sound, “Thhhh,” as you both take it up the spine and the relaxing sound, “Ahhhh,” as you both take it all the way down the spine, releasing the PC, and breathe. This energy that we are moving up and down the spine is called the Shakti energy or the Kundalini energy, and the spine is the major pathway in which it moves. ♥ Please try this ‘Red Tantra’ practice. Try it with your partner for a five or ten minute period. It’s probably going to be one of the most enjoyable meditations that you have ever done, and if you have never tried meditation before it’s going to be a wonderful introduction to it. You are breathing together and your mind is totally present making this a very powerful meditative experience, mixing sexuality with spirituality. ♥ Using the Breath:– Because you may be unfamiliar with this way of lovemaking, of combining breathing with using the PC muscle and visualizing sexual energy moving up and down the spine, it may seem unusual or unnatural for some of you at first. But please don’t let this be a barrier to continuing to experiment. As a result of doing this joint meditation practice, you can take parts of it and integrate them with your own usual ways of making love. Being conscious of the breath, for example, is an excellent element to add to any lovemaking experience. The breath is of utmost importance in advanced Tantric lovemaking. You can use the breath in different ways, firstly focusing on the breath while lovemaking. This has many benefits. Being aware of it helps to keep you in the present moment instead of the mind racing off to “how am I doing” or “is he going to come too soon” or “I can hear the telephone and I wonder who it is”. The breath helps focus you and keep you in present time. 31
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When couples are consciously breathing together this helps to harmonize and weave their energies together so that they become two making love as one, instead of him making love to her and her making love to him, almost independently of each other, off in their own two worlds. The two become one. This is where the real alchemy can start to happen. The breath is only a tool for coming into the present moment. True ecstasy happens when you are so thoroughly absorbed in the present moment that nothing else exists. Breath is also used for harmonizing together and balancing emotional and physical energies – as mentioned previously in relation to daily connection practice p13 of ‘Exploration”. ♥ Lovemaking as a devotion:– Another way you can combine sexuality with spirituality is to use your lovemaking as a devotion, to make your lovemaking a prayer. Your sexuality, when mixed with your partner’s, is a potent force and its highly charged energy can be dedicated or devoted to whatever you choose. It has powerful manifesting qualities when blended with love. We do suggest that you only use this creatively and positively and qualify your devotion with “and let it be for the best for all concerned”. To add power to a devotion, Tantric lovers like to create a special place to make love in, a sacred place. It can be simple or elaborate, using objects or trinkets that have significance to you and that are reserved especially for these occasions. Such as candles, special flowers, incense, perhaps even a silk rug. These things will help change the feeling of your room from that of the ordinary to that of a temple. It is your intention to dedicate the energy, your attitude, to lovemaking and the special space that you have created, that can make your lovemaking sacred, make your lovemaking into a prayer. ♥ Lovemaking can be the richest experience we can have as a human being. If that’s what you truly want then you will find the ways, find the teachings, you will find the path. The richness of your experience of sexual love is truly unlimited. There are over two thousand years of Tantric lovemaking secrets we have drawn upon and incorporated into this course. And most importantly we have made it practical for modern lovers. This is just the beginning and we do hope that it will lead you into some wonderful lovemaking.
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QUESTIONS: 1. Describe your first sexual intercourse experience. How could it have been better?
2. What is the main value for men in strengthening the PC muscle?
3. What is the main value for women in strengthening the PC muscle?
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4. What is one exercise women can do to help to evoke or elongate an orgasm?
5. What are two extra practices you have learned to help with ejaculation control? (Or to help your partner with ejaculation control if you’re a woman?)
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6. How do you feel when you have your eyes open during lovemaking? • very uncomfortable • reasonably comfortable • no problems • fantastic
7. What are some ways you can assist your partner to feel your love? Please write these down.
8. What affirmations could you use either as a single or in partnership, as a devotion before you make love? Kerry and Diane suggest including something as simple as “I honor the divine within you”.
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EXPERIMENTS: Experiment (1) When making love this week, try after a period of dynamic movement to stop and pause. Feel the sensations in your body. Then move into a slow movement, then try fast, and then stop again, then absolute stillness. Consciously weave together periods of fast and slow and stillness. (If do you not have a partner, try it during self-pleasuring).
Experiment (2) Co-ordination of the PC muscle contractions with the breath. You can use this exercise separately from lovemaking as a way of strengthening the PC, or you can use it during lovemaking or during selfpleasuring. How you do it is, as you breathe in you make a sound “thhhh”, like drawing and sipping through a straw, and at the same time you pull the PC muscle up so you are coordinating the breath with the PC muscle. You hold it and then you release the muscle and you release the breath together making the sound “ahhhhh”, letting the energy spread through your body. So you breathe in “thhhh” fill up your chest and then hold it, and then release “ahhhh”, and visualize the energy moving throughout your body, out your arms, out your legs and spreading the energy throughout your entire body. It’s very important that as you’re releasing the energy and visualizing it spreading through your body, that you’re totally relaxing all of the muscles, especially the buttock muscles.
Experiment (3) Try doing the above practice during lovemaking or self pleasuring. Men can imagine your lingam acts like a straw. As the sexual energy builds up, stop movement and sip up the energy to your heart. Repeat this at each peak of energy to reduce the urgency to ejaculate For women, try pumping the PC muscle during intercourse. This will help to move your energy into your genitals. Also try pushing down from your heart to your yoni, opposite to men, if you want encourage an orgasm. 36
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Experiment (4) Pouches of Jewels This exercise is for men and women to work on together as teammates (alternatively, men can do it on themselves during self pleasuring). At points of high energy, to reduce the urge to ejaculate, reach around and manually pump the area between the scrotum and the anus, hold for two to three seconds, gradually release and repeat this several times before continuing to make love. Also try pulling down the scrotum. Be quite firm, you won’t hurt him as long as you’re not squeezing the testes themselves. Men can often reach around and do this themselves and continue to move without having to stop to get control. That’s an advantage of this technique.
Experiment (5) Practice being more intimate Separate from lovemaking, practice being more intimate. For example, during dinner one night, instead of talking about the usual things, try this process. Let one of you speak for two to three minutes and then the other person speak. Say, “What I appreciate about you is …………….” (Say the person’s name and fill in the space, whatever it is you appreciate about them). E.g. “What I appreciate about you is waking up and seeing you next to me in the morning” or “What I appreciate about you is the way you relate to the kids” or “What I appreciate about you is having you as my best friend” and each time you share something your partner is to simply say, “Thank you,” but refrain from commenting. Then change roles. That is, you become the listener and your partner shares something with you. This is a simple and powerful exercise. We often fail to tell our partner what we appreciate about them, and instead pick on the things they are doing wrong and we focus on the negative because we assume our partners already know what we appreciate about them. This exercise is a wonderful way to create intimacy, if you do this exercise a couple of times, even for two minutes, you’ll find your intimacy starts to increase. Intimacy means ‘into me see’. When you create more intimacy you allow yourself to be seen and your inner feelings to be expressed. 37
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Experiment (6) Red Tantra This can be done as a sexual meditation separate from intercourse, with clothes on, or as part of sexual loving. This experiment is best done in the sitting position, like in meditation. If this is difficult try sitting on a chair or stool. (i)
The woman sits astride the man and you start to breathe together, let your partner hear your breathing and tune into the same rhythms.
(ii)
Begin to co-ordinate the breath with the PC muscles together.
(iii)
As you breathe in together, imagine pulling the sexual energy from your sex centers to the heart centers (in the center of your chest.) And breathing out, back into your sex center and continue (connecting sex with love). Try this for five minutes to start, up to 10 or 15 minutes for subsequent sessions.
(iv)
Put your foreheads together (third eyes touching). Do the same as above (iii) but move the energy between the sex center and spiritual center at the third eye (center of forehead just above eyebrow level).
(v)
Sit in stillness and meditate together, being present in the moment. Let your thoughts pass away as you melt not only into each other but also into existence.
If you have not tried mediation, then I suggest you try this in a sitting position and just breathe together. This practice can be done after you have been making love for some time when your sexual energy is fully charged. Still, finish this practice in stillness instead of pushing on for orgasm as you may normally do. See what happens. Experiment (7) Try making more eye contact during lovemaking. Sometimes, feelings of shyness or inhibitions take over. As you become more comfortable, try having eyes open and maintaining eye contact with your partner for longer periods of time.
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RESULTS & IDEAS Results What happened when you tried the experiments? Experiment (1)
Experiment (2)
Experiment (3)
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Experiment (4)
Experiment (5)
Experiment (6)
Experiment (7)
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Ideas This is a place to note your ideas on how to apply the material to your circumstances.
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SECTION THREE This section requires you to have listened to Mp3 no.5 & Mp3 no. 6
‘Sexual Secrets That All Women Would Like Their Man to Know’
Sexual Secrets that all women would like their man to know
‘Sexual Secrets That All Women Would Like Their Man to Know’ OVERVIEW: This part of the course is about practices men can do to improve their lovemaking prowess - this is covered by Kerry Riley. Beyond this, what is just as important, if not more important, is how it is for the woman when making love to a man who learns these skills, and what she can do to assist him in being a better lover for her - this is covered by Diane.
INTENTION: To give men the education and skills necessary not only to be a good lover, but a truly extraordinary and caring lover. And the truth is that is what every woman yearns for in a man. By the end of this course you are going to know more about lovemaking than 99% of men on this planet, and the woman you have in your life, or the one you attract to you, will love you for it because you will be able to bring her the love and pleasure she yearns for. In response, her love and sexual energy toward you will know no bounds.
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HOW THIS IS RELEVANT: For Men Have you found yourself in the embarrassing situation where you want to have sex but you can’t get a strong erection?
Have you ever made note of what physiological changes happen in your body as you approach ejaculation? What if you could reverse these ingrained responses that cause you to ejaculate and change your whole programming so you could go on much longer?
Have you noticed that as you get older that ejaculation leaves you quite depleted? Did you know there were practices of non-ejaculation used by Taoist masters in ancient China that allowed them to make love to many women?
You may have heard of extended orgasm for women, but do you know how to create an experience of extended orgasm for yourself?
For Women What do you do in a situation where you try everything but he is still soft? What can you do with a soft lingum to still give both of you a lot more pleasure?
Do you often find your man is getting to excited too quickly? What if you could do something with your breathing so he doesn’t come too soon?
Do you know you can create an internal orgasmic experience for your man once you know the “million-dollar point”?
Have you found yourself in the situation where he is struggling so much to control his ejaculation that you can’t enjoy yourself? What if you could do some things for him that would help him go longer?
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THE METHOD: Kerry Riley will share with you all the secrets a man needs to become an extraordinary lover… Things covered will include addressing the two most common physical issues men face. (i)
Ability to make love long enough to satisfy his partner Ejaculation control.
(ii) – – –
Ability to get and maintain the strength of erection at any age. Sexual Virility Non-ejaculation Skills Injaculation
These techniques will involve more subtle and less known skills that women enjoy, rather than the more forceful methods some men are already familiar with. Diane will give her perspective on how it is for her and for women when a man develops these ways of making love. Also how the woman can assist the man with ejaculation control and what to do if he loses his erection.
Press here for injaculation
Heart Technique. The challenge men face.
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KEY POINTS: ♥ “When a man loves once without losing his semen he will strengthen his body, if he loves twice without losing it, his hearing and his vision will be more acute. If thrice all disease may disappear, if four times he’ll have peace of his soul, if five his heart and blood circulation will be revitalized. If six times, his loins will become strong. If seven his buttocks and thighs more powerful, if eight times his skin may become smooth, if nine times he will reach longevity. If ten times he will be immortal.’ This is from an ancient Chinese text on sexology. You will learn more on this in this section of the course. ♥ Contrary to what the ego would have us believe we are not born naturally good at sex. We need education and we need to ask questions about becoming a good lover. I mean I’m not talking about screwing; anyone can to that, any animal can do that. I’m talking about lovemaking I’m talking about lovemaking that touches you and your beloved on every level of your being, body, heart and soul. ♥ Often the lovemaking is over far to quickly for the woman to feel her full orgasmic pleasure because her partner has ejaculated too quickly, and not only has he ejaculated but he hasn’t had enough time to give her that love and emotional loving that she really needs. Learning these secrets is wonderful because often women will try to tell their men what they want, and they have to be really careful because a man’s ego is very connected to his sexual performance. Therefore she may be afraid of hurting his ego and men often won’t ask their partner want she wants because they, as men, are ‘supposed to know’. So they don’t find out what it is she wants in bed and how to improve their performance and their loving skills, and it is a no win situation. Even in a long term relationship some women will be very hesitant to suggest to their partners what they would like. Especially if it is different to what they have been doing over a number of years. So this section of the course is great, women can get an insight into what happens for their man in sexual loving and what happens for him physiologically before orgasm. It will be great for both of them and they will be able to discuss and communicate further. ♥ For single men, training to be a good lover is essential, so that when they meet a women with whom they want to form a relationship they will be far ahead of the man who literally enters and blows it the first time. ♥ For single women when they attract into their lives a man suitable for a partnership, having knowledge of these skills will really help her understand what happens in the lovemaking for him and she will be able to encourage him and in fact help him. 45
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♥ These ancient arts were taught, but usually only to emperors, kings and
noble men, because the art of lovemaking was the highest kept secret. In the ruling class, a man’s power and respect was judged on the amount of consorts that he could keep sexually satisfied. It is written in the ancient texts of China that it was common for the emperors trained in the art of lovemaking to be passionately making love in their 90’s, sometimes with up to twenty different consorts, twenty different lovers.
♥ Women want good sex, and that means good loving. Good sexual loving includes the heart being nourished, the physical body being nourished as well as deeply connecting. So if the man ejaculates too quickly they don’t have that time span to experience any of this.
♥ You can learn it, it takes some practice. It’s like learning to ski, you fall over
a few times, but with practice you get better. In fact if you continue to practice you get really good. Now you might never become a champion, you might never become like these emperors in ancient India, but that’s not what you want, that’s not what you need. What you need is to feel good about yourself as a man, to know that your woman loves you and you are satisfying her fully. You are going to be able to do that by practicing the skills in this course.
♥ Being a man you face two major sexual difficulties in your life. The first is not
being able to last long enough to satisfy your woman, and the second difficulty is almost the opposite, and that’s not being able to get an erection or losing your erection, or the mind’s willing but the body is not. These are incredibly embarrassing times for a man, you feel terrible as a man when this happens. Especially if your woman is wanting more and you can’t do anything about it. But these major difficulties can be overcome by learning two secrets. Number 1. Ejaculation control, which will solve the first problem. Number 2. Non-ejaculation, which will solve the second major difficulty.
♥ Let’s start with ejaculation control. We already gave you some good techniques. (i) A strong pubococcygeus muscle (PC) (ii) The PC muscle and breath coordination (iii) The testicular pull technique Manually pumping the area of the prostate (iv)
♥ Another one of the greatest secrets to know is breath control. What most
men do as excitement builds up is that they move harder and faster and the breath gets harder, heavier and faster. Or they hold their breath as they get close to climax. What we need to do is reverse the flow of sexual energy and one of the best ways to do this is to breathe slowly, rhythmically and deeply. 46
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♥ For the woman you can help your partner with this. If he starts breathing and panting you know he is moving towards ejaculation and you can gently work with him and gently remind him by saying something like “breathe with me, darling.” Breathe a little louder so that he can hear. This will remind him of the slower breathing and he will follow you. Sometimes I’ll just blow a cooling breath on Kerry’s face and neck and this is a signal between us for him to slow down. Then I’ll keep breathing slowly and he will follow me. And then when the urgency subsides it gives us time to connect with our eyes and our hearts as well. And then we can move on to more passionate love making again. And we both really like this technique.
♥ Another wonderful technique for ejaculation control that women enjoy is
called ‘take it to the heart’. This is a most valuable sexual secret for men to know. To practice this you must first take the focus off the genitals by stopping all movement then try to feel in your heart a deep love for your partner. Even if she keeps moving you can still get your energy up to your heart by repeating over and over to yourself. “I love you, I love you, I love you.” Whatever you need to do to get the energy up into your heart and out of your genitals. Don’t worry if there is a diminishing of your erection. If you’re getting this energy up to your heart the erection can subside about 20%, but when the erection returns again you will find it is even stronger than before.
♥ Women, here is a little secret for you. Men are afraid of losing their erection,
that their lingam may go from hard to soft. So don’t say, “Your lingam’s gone soft darling, what’s happened?” Say ‘I love it, I love it when your lingam is soft. I love the feeling of your soft lingam,’ and remind him he can do so many magical things with a soft lingam. If the lingam falls out of the yoni you can use it as a paint brush. Get into a position where you can take his soft lingam in your hand to pleasure your yoni or your clitoris. Perhaps as a change, take him in your mouth and sucking him gently, seductively and passionately. You can also use his lingum like a paint bush, painting around the outside of the clitoris and the vagina. Playing like this is a wonderful sensation that you both can really enjoy. So it’s important, making him feel good about the soft lingam, because in fact he is taking that energy up to his heart and will be experiencing so much love for you in a new way that he hasn’t done before. So he needs this reassurance. And most likely you’ll find his lingam turns to being nice and hard again fairly soon. But if you make him feel guilty or bad that you’re missing out, it will make things worse because during lovemaking he will be afraid it will happen again and this fear will, in fact, cause it to become an ongoing problem. You will miss out and so will he. He might not be willing to try this technique, so please encourage him and give him reassurance. If you can bring yourself to orgasm with this ‘paint brush’ technique, even better.
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♥ The next secret is muscle tension release. The muscles of your body are
conditioned to respond in a certain way as you build towards ejaculation. So what you need to do is reprogram what your muscles do when you come close to climax. You need to learn how to relax the muscles as they start to tense. Do you know what is happening with your body’s responses as you come close to climax? Your muscles? Your thoughts? Your breath? If you can observe what you do then you can also work at reversing the conditioning. It’s not difficult. It’s just a matter of awareness and a little training. You can teach yourself. If you hold your breath as you are coming to climax then learn to keep breathing. If you are breathing through your mouth start to breathe through your nose. The idea is cooling down the system, not heating it up!
♥ Thought release is another great secret. As you feel your mind rushing
towards climax, slow down your thoughts, often your mind will focus on the goal at the end, rather then the pleasure along the way. The mind will focus on your orgasm or on her orgasm, or on your performance. And this actually brings on ejaculation and you miss the precious moments along the way. So try to delight in the subtle energies of mild arousal, the pleasurable feelings that occur long before the highly excited phase. And drink deeply of those sensations. When you are getting close to climax use your mind to relax your muscles. If you’re tensing and fighting the sensations to ejaculate, stop all movement and breathe. Release your breath. Breathe deeply of the pleasure and spread that energy on the out breath through your body.
♥ Thought release, muscle release and breath release. Remember these things because these are wonderful techniques to prolong your lovemaking. And I strongly suggest you listen to the body sensual Mp3 (Mp3 no.7 and Mp3 no. 8) in this series to practice these skills. ♥ I think it’s valuable for a man to do a self pleasuring experiment. Once the initial embarrassment is overcome and the vulnerabilities are let go of, it can be a wonderful sexual sharing couples can have together. Talking over what he found out about himself, what he found out about his breath patterns, his muscle patterns, how he likes being touched, information that probably neither of them knew before. So this will be greatly to their advantage. ♥ I think at this point I have covered enough ejaculation control techniques to last you for a lifetime. Other extreme techniques in Taoist sexology books involve rolling the eyes back, pressing the tongue to the roof of your mouth and clenching your teeth and clenching your fists. It works, but it’s certainly not a turn-on for your woman when she looks up and sees you doing that. This is an extreme control technique. The word control often implies tension, this technique is a tension technique, it’s fighting against something, and this is not the type of control I am talking about. It’s a relaxed control that you want to develop, you can be in control in such a way that it’s not a fight, it’s being totally with the energy. Centered, experiencing everything that is 48
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happening. Being in the now. Totally present with what’s happening. It’s a relaxed presence rather then control. ♥ Non-ejaculation. This can solve the second major problem for men, which is losing their erection while making love or not being able to get an erection or losing the strength of their orgasm. It is especially valuable to practice for men whose sexual energy is not as strong as their partner’s. The possibility of non-ejaculation, having intercourse but not coming, is a strange idea to take on at first. There are some great benefits of learning the technique of non-ejaculation. Because women don’t lose energy through orgasm, they might get relaxed, tension might be released and they are relaxed, but the energy around a woman after she has had an orgasm is beautiful energy, it’s high energy. But the man tends to just close down, not only physically but emotionally after ejaculation. He often just wants to go to sleep. A man’s burning desire for lovemaking happens before intercourse, a woman’s often happens after intercourse. It is a wonderful technique for an older man whose sexual energy and vitality is not as strong as it used be; or a man whose sexual drive isn’t as strong as his woman’s. All you need to do is practice non-ejaculation several times and you will find that your energy will start to come back. ♥ It still means that you can make love but you don’t ejaculate. I suggest the first time you try this, don’t go to the final stages, otherwise the energy may stagnate and you can get discomfort. You may need to get your partner to work with you on this one. Well before getting to the point of no return just rest inside your partner, breathe in and hold the breath as you contract the PC muscle, then release and feel the energy spreading from your genitals throughout your whole body. Repeat this several times, feel and visualize the energy spreading. You can practice this in Mp3 no.8 without a partner. Finish the lovemaking – go out to dinner, go to work and see how you feel. If you have managed to spread it properly you shouldn’t feel tense or frustrated, but rather relaxed and full of good vital energy. You’ll take that vitality with you next time you make love. ♥ Diane’s comment about this: Culturally we have been taught that for a lovemaking session to be successful, ejaculation needs to happen. This is a joint belief, a joint attitude held by men and women. So if you want to go and try this, and I’m speaking to the men here, let your partner know. Say, “This time, for our lovemaking, I’m not going to ejaculate. I’m going to try and not ejaculate.” So she knows what’s going on. Because I know from my own experience and in talking to other women who practice this with their partners, it can take quite a few months to get used to the idea because we have been trained as young woman when we are in a partnership ejaculation should happen. Male ejaculation should happen. And if it doesn’t happen, 49
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‘something is wrong with me. I haven’t been as sexy as I should have been or could have been’. So for the woman, if you know that this is being done for your benefit you will start to enjoy him doing this because you know he will be able to make love with you again later and won’t have any trouble getting his erection back. Also you’ll find he will be more open and attentive of you. Men often shut down, not only physically, but emotionally, after they ejaculate. ♥ Pain in the scrotum can happen at the beginning of your training in nonejaculation. But after a while it’s not a problem. In the earlier stages it is, and what you need to do is some pelvic congestion relief exercises. One of them is pumping the PC muscle after you have non-ejaculated. Another way is to massage the area of the prostate gland. Press firmly on the area between the anus and the base of the penis. At least 100 times, or your partner can do it for you. Another way is you can use the breath and the PC muscle squeeze technique, where you draw up the PC muscle and you hold the breath and you release that muscle and the breath. Ahhhhhhh! The same time letting that energy spread throughout your body. ♥ Another method to use for pelvic congestion relief is to pull the scrotum down while having a shower after your lovemaking, so that the warm water runs around the area of your genitals. Hold the scrotum down and continually rub the area below your navel in a circular motion with the other hand. Another method is to put a hot water bottle on the area after you finish making love. You might think, well, ‘Hey this is not worth it’, but remember the benefits of being able to make love more often, being able to satisfy your women more, being able to get much more powerful experiences for yourself, and not being drained and not feeling tired after intercourse. To me that far outweighs the chore of pelvic congestion relief, at least for a try anyway. And maybe the Taoist masters were right, maybe it does give you more life, maybe it does rejuvenate you. ♥ If you have any prostate trouble then you should not practice this nonejaculation at all, until your condition clears up. Also if you suffer from any non-specific urinary tract condition, non-ejaculation can aggravate this also. So you need to clear up these conditions first. ♥ Changing your diet can be part of a healthy lifestyle change. We have observed in men who have had difficulty with ejaculation control that often changing their diet helps, and it certainly influences the taste and scent of your sexual fluids. ♥ Injaculation: With injaculation, you get the same throbbing sensation as ejaculation but you don’t pass semen. To create injacultion manually you need to locate the point midway between the anus and the scrotum. It’s called the perineum. When you locate this point with the finger it feels like there’s a small indentation or a hollow in that location. 50
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So what you do is at the moment you feel that you’re ready to ejaculate, reach around behind your buttocks and locate this point. If you press it hard enough the semen is not able to travel out of the prostate or through the urethra. So semen is recycled via the lymphatic ducts into the blood stream, which nourishes the body. In normal ejaculation the prostate pumps between five and twenty-one times. However with the compression of this point it may take several minutes for the prostate to empty. So you feel a long, extended orgasm, sometimes with young people up to five minutes. Dr Stephen Chang calls this point the “one million dollar point”, because one of his students came back after trying it and said “it feels like a million dollars”. A five-minute orgasm should feel like a million dollars. It takes a bit of practice, so while you’re learning it might be a good idea to use three fingers, then you can experience what injaculation feels like. If you choose to try this practice during self-pleasuring or during lovemaking, then as I said before, simply reach around behind your buttocks and press the point just before ejaculation. Or your woman can learn to do this for you. The same warning goes for anyone who has prostate or non-specific urinary tract infections – you should not use these injaculation techniques. It’s my advice to use the technique only on occasion, because I have a sense it may put a lot of pressure on the lower part of the body if it’s done too regularly. Although Dr Chang who is a medical doctor doesn’t give any such warnings, it’s just my feeling that that may happen. It is a wonderful experiment for a beginner to use. Once you learn the more advanced techniques and the different forms of orgasm that you can have, you can leave this technique behind. Other forms of orgasm are covered in my book ‘Sexual Secrets for Men, What Every Woman Will Want Her Man to Know’ ♥ It’s very important to not become too fanatical about non-ejaculation. Some of the Taoist books advise that you should only ejaculate one in a hundred times; well this is definitely extreme and it’s not necessary at all for this day and age, let alone desirable. So don’t be fearful about ejaculating, if you do cum you can easily regenerate this energy through the woman’s Shakti. ♥ Final secret: This is the final secret to give you, it’s a great secret to know that you can balance any loss of energy from ejaculation with absorption of your women’s Shakti. Her Shakti is sexual and spiritual energy and you being inside her yoni connects you with her vital essence. A woman’s essence can empower you, it can lift you, it can energize you and it can heal you. It’s my experience and the experience of many men that I have introduced this secret to. That if you can stay in your women for at least one hour you don’t lose energy when you 51
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ejaculate, because you can absorb the female’s essence when you stay in your woman’s yoni for that length of time. You can energetically and psychically absorb this regenerative essence and so balance any loss through ejaculation. You don’t need to be pumping for the whole sixty minutes; you just need to be inside her and learn how to absorb and drink of her Shakti, and spread it through your body with the breath. ♥ By learning these sexual secrets from this course you can be sexually active in your nineties. Not from positive thinking or willpower but from a deep understanding and practice of these secrets. Through mastering these skills you will have the ability to be totally there with your beloved when you’re making love, instead of having to concentrate on the fear of coming too soon. You will reach a stage where there won’t be any difference between loving, touching and actually making love. This is what every woman wants, and every man can achieve by mastering these techniques. Take your time in learning the skills, have fun with them and realize that you know more about lovemaking than 99% on men on this planet. I wish you the very best of lovemaking for you and your beloved, or if you’re single for the partner you draw into your life.
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QUESTIONS: 1. What are the two major difficulties that concern men the most in their sex life? (It is also important that women know this.)
2. Describe thought release, muscle release and breath release and what are the benefits of doing these things?
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3. What is the benefit of non-ejaculation?
4. What do you need to be particularly careful of with non-ejaculation?
5. What is injaculation?
6. What are the contra-indications to trying these practices? In other words, who should never try these techniques?
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7. Ask your partner what is one thing you could do to help them enjoy their lovemaking more (we often don’t ask, but are expected to know!). You may like to write these down.
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EXPERIMENTS: Experiment (1) Self Pleasuring You may feel embarrassed about doing this but it is going to give you so much valuable information. For Men: First, find a safe private space and lock the door. Use a lubricant if you wish and start to self pleasure yourself for at least 20 minutes. Each time you approach climax, just before the point of no return, firmly but gently hold the head of the lingam with a closed fist. Don’t move; don’t move at all until the energy subsides. Keep your hand in place until the erection starts to soften. And then continue to stroke until you approach climax again. Repeat the procedure. Gently hold the head of your lingam again until the erection subsides. And you continue to do this for at least 5 times. Now you can go on to ejaculation if you wish. But that’s not the point of this exercise. That might be the point of masturbation. But it’s not the focus in this experiment. The point of this experiment is to know what is happening as you approach orgasm. What’s happening with your breathing as you are getting close to climax? Are you holding your breath? Are you panting? Or what muscles are tensing? Are you tensing your shoulders? And more importantly your pelvic floor muscles? What’s happening there? Your buttocks? Your genital region? The thing to do is start revising some of this conditioning. Start with your breath – slow down your breathing, use long steady breaths. Breathe the opposite way to the way that you were breathing through the self-pleasuring experiment. If you hold your breath as you are coming to climax then learn to keep breathing. If you were breathing through your mouth, start to breathe through your nose. When you’re getting close to climax use your mind to relax your muscles. If you’re tensing and fighting sensations to ejaculate, stop all movement and breathe, release your breath. Breathe deeply of the pleasure and spread that energy on the out breath. Reverse everything you usually do. For Women: Try a similar experiment. Don’t focus on orgasm, focus on any pleasurable sensations you are feeling. Use thought release, PC muscle squeezes, sound and movement to keep you in the moment. 56
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Experiment (2) An extension of this experiment above (experiment 1) is to allow your partner to watch you. For the man, he will be able to learn some valuable skills on how to pleasure you (the woman). For the woman, she will learn a lot about him, to help with his ejaculation control.
Experiment (3) For Men: Next time you make love, use your non-ejaculation control techniques to make love until your woman is satisfied. So she has had her orgasm, but you don’t ejaculate. You just stay inside your beloved quietly and rest there, resting your mind, resting your body, resting your thoughts. Drinking deeply of the pleasure that you have been having. Stay connected until your lingum begins to soften again. You could try this one night before you go out. Try this practice of nonejaculation and once you have relaxed then go out to dinner together. You are going find that when you’re out at dinner you are going to feel totally open, sexy and loving all night. Your woman will love this, and when you do get home you will find you’re not tired, you’re full of love, full of passion and desire.
Experiment (4) Extension of Experiment (3) Advanced students only Make love again when you get home after dinner and practice nonejaculation again, then make love again the next morning. It is going to feel like the very first time you made love. If you practice non ejaculation again that morning then you are going to be going along the highway whistling and singing along the freeway, because your energy is going to be so high. You won’t be drained, you will be charged with energy throughout the whole day. N.B You will need to be practicing the Tantra skills for quite sometime before you will be able to do this non-ejaculation three times in a row. I suggest you just try it once first and see what happens. Most men can’t carry this much pleasure without getting tense and irritable. It takes some training but the advantages are multifold, especially as you get older or at times when you are experiencing loss of sexual vitality. 57
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Experiment (5) For Women: If he does experiment 3 and is feeling tension, give him a pelvic congestion massage. It’s really quite simple, if you sit in between their legs, this is after lovemaking. Apply really firm pressure along the inner thighs up to where the sit bones are and be careful not to press on the actual celestial jewels or the lingum itself. But you might lift that area gently out of the way and continue firm pressure with the heel of your hand, in along where I said on the inner thighs, the sit bone and the area of the perineum. He can tell you if he would like that harder or firmer until you get the pressure right. Do this for five minutes or so.
Experiment (6) For Women: Before your partner is fully erect, or if he is trying to get an erection, try using his lingum as a paintbrush and paint around your clitoris and vagina.
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RESULTS & IDEAS Results What happened when you tried the experiments? Experiment (1)
Experiment (2)
Experiment (3)
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Experiment (4)
Experiment (5)
Experiment (6)
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Ideas This is a place to note your ideas on how to apply the material to your circumstances.
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SECTION FOUR This section requires you to have listened to Mp3 no.7 & Mp3 no. 8
‘The Body Sensual’
The Body Sensual
‘The Body Sensual’ OVERVIEW: guided practices with backing music. This part of the course involves practices and as such is more about practicing than theory. However major points have still been included. Mp3 no.7 – A Sensual Relaxation: (referred to as part A on the Mp3 recording) This sensual relaxation is especially good for being able to tune in to different parts of your body, to be able to relax in lovemaking. To get out of the mind and tune into your whole body, to come into the present moment and feel the expanded state of consciousness this creates. It is also a healing and rejuvenating practice – healing us of past tensions and hurts connected with our sexuality. Mp3 no.8 A Guided Sexual Practice: (referred to as part B on the Mp3 recording.) This is a guided sexual practice to put the things you have been studying into practice. •
If you do not have a partner to make love with then this practice is extremely valuable for you because once you do have a partner the skills will already be honed and developed. If you do have a partner or a friend who wants to learn, you can do this practice beside them while lying down next to them.
Often couples do this practice next to each other then go to make love at the end of the practice or sometimes during the practice! This part of the course is designed to turn on your sexual energy. INTENTION: (i) To give you a sensual relaxation practice that helps you be more present in your lovemaking and at the same time rejuvenates your sexual vitality. (ii)
To give you a sexual practice you can do alone or with a partner where you are guided in the Tantra skills you have been studying.
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HOW THIS IS RELEVANT:
Often while making love the body becomes tense. This can result in the man coming prematurely or the woman not being able to let go.
Have you noticed that sometimes during lovemaking you are thinking too much?
Have you experienced times when your sexual energy is low and you wish you had a way to bring back the desire?
Do you want to have more times where you go into spaces of pure bliss, not just at orgasm but throughout your entire lovemaking experience?
These practice Mp3’s train you in what to do to address these issues and many more.
METHOD: By playing Mp3’s no. 7 & 8 over and over again you will start to feel your sexual energy gently bubbling up throughout the day. This is very healing for anyone whose sexual vitality has started to wane. Mp3 no.7 has a subtle effect but over time it can be very deeply healing. The method to see results is to play it regularly. You can use it purely as a relaxation practice. It’s a fabulous way to relax and meditate. By practicing Mp3 no.8, you have a way of doing the practices of tantra without a partner. You will see the benefits in many aspects of your life because your sexual center is a store house of vitality and creativity. “If you’re not using it you’re losing it” - and this shows up in your vitality for life.
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The Body Sensual meditation can be done as a couple or as a single.
Breathing the energies through the chakras.
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KEY POINTS: For (Mp3 no.7) ♥ Practices for muscle release, breath release and relaxing the whole body. ♥ Tuning in to your sensual areas. ♥ Becoming totally present in the body, out of the mind, and in a state of deep pure relaxation. ♥ You experience your physical reality through the senses. When these are opened up, practiced with and expanded, your sensuality increases. ♥ Breath awareness. With each exhalation release any tension and become more and more relaxed. Feeling a wave of relaxation moving through your body. ♥ Take awareness to each and every part of your body including your genitals, until the whole body is relaxed and connected. ♥ Imagine energy building in the sexual region and let this spread throughout the whole body. Healing the body and rejuvenating the body. ♥ Activate the kundalini energy with pulsing of the PC. ♥ Focus on the rhythm of your breath; keeping your mind present and in the moment. ♥ Give yourself positive affirmation about the pleasure of sexual feelings. Healing past conditioning of any guilt attached to feeling sexy. ♥ Transmit the sexual energy into healing energy and spread it through your body. For Mp3 no.8 - A more sexual practice. ♥ Prepare your space, have some massage oil or body gel within reach. ♥ The use of sound and breath brings you into the moment to release any tension in all parts of your body, especially the genital area. ♥ Visualize energy pulsing up the inside of your legs into the pelvis and into your yoni (vagina) or lingam (penis), our sacred parts.
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♥ Amplify the pulsing with contractions of the PC muscle. Feel the pulsing in the yoni (the ‘sacred place’, ‘hidden valley’, ‘field of pleasure’.) Or for men in the lingum, the ‘wand of light’ and the ‘celestial jewels’. ♥ Spread this energy through your whole body with PC pulse, breath and sound together. ♥ Start rocking and swirling your hips and pelvic bowl, which is a storehouse of sexual vitality. ♥ Move this energy from the sexual chakra to the heart chakra and outward to your fingertips. ♥ Sensually touch your whole body with your finger tips. ♥ Explore your sacred parts using oil or gel. ♥ Allow yourself to thoroughly enjoy the pleasure sensations while continually connecting breath, sound and the PC pulsing. ♥ Start moving your hips more dynamically, combining this with increased breath pattern and sound. Even if this is not happening naturally, the idea is to do it anyway, because it can trigger your orgasmic response. ♥ Amplify the energy with PC squeezes, feel the kundalini energy moving up the spine connecting the chakras. Pelvis to belly, belly to heart, heart to throat, throat to third eye, third eye to crown (the spiritual center). ♥ Now bring the energy down again from the spiritual center to the sexual center. ♥ We move the kundalini energy up and down the body because sometimes we want more energy in the genitals, sometimes in the heart (to feel more love) and sometimes in the spiritual center (to experience a moment of bliss). ♥ Valley orgasm: Breath in deeply, squeeze the PC muscle and hold the breath for several seconds. Then release and spread the built up energy through your whole body. Repeat this several times. ♥ Be still, be in the after glow and integrate the experience deep within yourself. ♥ Devote the energy to a higher purpose. 66
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If this Mp3 is played over and over again it will:
increase your orgasmic response.
reduce past negative sexual conditioning.
add to your love, your joy and your pleasure.
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QUESTIONS: 1. What can your do to bring your mind more into the present moment while making love?
2. What are three things you can do during lovemaking to activate your orgasmic response?
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3. How can you connect all the chakras together during sexual excitement?
4. What would be a reason for moving sexual energy up to the higher energy centers?
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5. What would be a reason for moving the sexual energy down into the genitals?
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EXPERIMENTS Experiment (1) Part (A) of ‘The Body Sensual’ Mp3 no.7 Write down a time you are going to practice part (A) of the ‘The Body Sensual’. You need about 20 minutes. Do not play it in the car. You may easily fall asleep through the practice so it may be a good idea to do it before sleep. Write down your experience of practice (A).
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Experiment (2) Part (B) of ‘The Body Sensual’ Mp3 no.8 This practice is much more active and ideally you will need a private place to practice it. It is a sexual practice. Write down your experience of Practice (B)
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RESULTS & IDEAS A place to write what happened with any of the experiments and to note your ideas on how to apply the material to your circumstances.
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Additions & Extensions to the Course This section covers extra information, skills and techniques for the Tantric lover
Additions & Extensions
‘Additions & Extensions to the Course’ 1. DIFFERENCES IN DESIRE –‘DAILY DEVOTION’ In MP3 no.1, Diane and Kerry brought your attention to a practice called ‘Daily Devotion’. We are elaborating on this practice here because over the years of teaching Tantra and getting feedback from hundreds of students, this has proven to be one of the most valuable and useful practices couples have been able to incorporate into their lovemaking. This practice is especially useful for busy couples who say they ‘can’t find time for making love’ (especially if they have young children) or say they ‘are too tired by the time they get to bed anyway’. It is also one of the best practices Kerry and Diane teach for balancing desire, where one partner complains the other ‘always wants sex more than them’, or their partner ‘doesn’t want it as much as they do’. This creates a lot of problems in relationships. The following is an extract from Diane Riley’s book ‘Discovering Your Tantric Goddess’: A woman in touch with her Tantric Goddess knows that her body is sacred. No-one is to enter her temple unless they are invited and only then if they respect the preciousness of her Shakti, her sexual and spiritual energy. Some men, especially after they have been in a relationship for some time with the same woman, forget this. Many of them seem to think that anytime they want to make love, the woman should respond and make love, whether she wants to or not. Many women give in anyway, just to keep the peace. This results in sex that is more like ‘marital rape’ than making love. If this happens to you, in all probability, you’ll no longer feel like a virgin goddess (a woman whose sexuality belongs to herself). Instead, you’ll feel used. On the other hand, a wise goddess knows the power of kindness. Out of love and compassion, sometimes she may bless her partner with her lovemaking as an act of kindness rather than as an act of submission. There is a big difference between this and submitting to his pressure to make love. A whole set of other problems arise when you want sex more than your partner does. Men who find themselves in this position feel weak and powerless and will often compensate by being aggressive or cold towards their partners, keeping their distance and avoiding intimacy. A recurring example is when the man overworks or over commits himself with sports and social occasions so he doesn’t have the time for sex. 74
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These situations arise because of one of the most common problems in sexual relationships: - differences in desire. So what can the Tantric Goddess do about these situations? In this extract, we shall examine this issue more closely. The other side of the bed ”Why can't a woman be more like a man?" Dr Doolittle demanded of Eliza Higgins, played by Audrey Hepburn in the classic film, My Fair Lady. In terms of sexual desire, I suppose that, for most men, their secret wish would be: “For her to be ready when I am.” It is highly unusual for partners to always have the same level of sexual desire. Lovers find their own ways of coping with individual differences; however, it can be a source of frustration, anguish, guilt, emotional hurt, and is often at the root of relationship breakdown. Frequently, women’s sexual energy ebbs and flows. Some women experience pronounced differences in desire related to their monthly cycle. There is no set pattern for all women. Some say they feel most turned on just before menstruation, others, during, or just after. Men will often see it as unpredictable, rather than changeable. This is just as important for women to understand as it is for men. Women will often think their sexual energy is "lacking" or miss-timed rather than seeing it as a natural flow of the cycles of all women’s experience. At my women's' seminars, many women talk of their experience of feeling sexually loving towards their partners through the day, for instance, on a weekend or holiday, yet when he routinely expects sex in the evening as an extension of her daytime initiation, he is disappointed when she doesn't feel like it, or that she is too tired. He expects her sexual interest to be constant until it is consummated by intercourse. Women often tell me that when they feel very loving and sensual, usually, they’ll let their partners know. However, because it may not be appropriate to make love at a certain time, nothing happens. Later, however, he might want to make love yet she won’t feel the same desire as earlier. More than likely, he’ll become upset because he assumes her desire is still the same, four hours later. For him, it's as if her sexual desire must remain constant until lovemaking can happen. Most men don't understand the changeability of a woman's sexual desire and will blame her for not wanting to make love. Whereas for the woman, although she still loves him, her desire might not be there as it was earlier. There are many reasons for this including: Her emotions or circumstances have changed Fatigue Past history of not getting what she wants sexually Health reasons, stress and financial worries. The nature of woman's energy. 75
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The heart and yoni are connected If they feel sufficiently loved and appreciated, most women are more willing to love sexually, whereas for men, it works in reverse - men respond with more love and attention once you indicate sexual interest. As John Gray, author of Men are from Mars, Women from Venus, explains, "Once they feel accepted as sexual beings, men open up. Men are more talkative if there's more possibility of sex.” Of course, sexual energy fluctuates for both men and women with changes in life circumstances. Tantric philosophy understands that the chakras or energy centers in the body are charged. Man's heart chakra has a negative charge, while a women's heart chakra carries a positive charge. It’s the opposite with the sexual chakra; it’s positive for men and negative for women. This means women's emotional energy of the heart, love, harmony and compassion is closer to the surface and more easily and willingly expressed, while their sexual energy of sexual passion and desire is deeper and takes longer to access. While the reverse is generally true for men, a man's emotional energy is still in the heart chakra, but it’s not expressed as easily and readily. Hence, natural differences in desire and libido. Tantra teachers, Charles and Caroline Muir, teach that young women come into the arena of love, saying, "I want to be loved through the heart, then maybe physically" while young men might say, “Love me through my body first, then maybe my heart". If a woman isn't feeling heartfelt love, she will be less open to a sexual connection; her desire level will be low. Whereas, if he isn't feeling sexually loved, he will feel more emotionally distant from her. If there is no realization of what is causing this to happen, then one blames the other and sex ends up happening less often. The estrangement can easily escalate, until no sex is happening at all. Daily devotion - to balance differences in desire Many couples have found the practice of daily devotion of extraordinary benefit in many ways: It harmonizes sexual and emotional energy between partners to gently re-establish regular sexual contact. It provides a way to have intimate, sexual sharing without performance pressure. It increases sexual desire. Daily devotion is a sexual practice where the couple assumes the standard missionary position with genital contact, with either partner on top. The difference here, however, is that there is no movement (just enough for 76
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your partner to maintain an erection). Once the lingam is inside the yoni (or touching outside the yoni if there is no erection), there is stillness. Use natural body fluids or a little oil or natural gel product if needed. The couple embraces gently, heart to heart, maybe kissing or exchanging words of love from time to time. It's not the position but the inner attitude you carry that is important. This time is for nurturing each other in a sexual embrace; it's about slowing down and enjoying close intimacy holding, melting together, a time to "be with each other". It is not about intercourse, it's about being with your partner with your hearts and genitals close or touching, so that the energy between you starts to harmonize and equalize. It is an exercise that has many significant benefits on different levels of body, heart and soul. However, it does require a little understanding and appreciation of its subtleness; otherwise it can be easily discarded as "sex without coming”. Many make the mistake of dismissing it without trying. For numerous women, it's often a welcome experience to be held close in a sexual embrace without having to do anything physical. Her release from any performance concerns means that she can be physically close with her partner while feeling nurtured via the heart. This often brings her desire back more than any purely physical sexual technique. For the man, it offers him the opportunity for a sexual connection with his partner more often, rather than always waiting for her to be "ready" for sex. What is unique about this practice is that you don’t have to be ready to make love. Many couples feel that they have to wait until they “feel like it” before having sex. Everything has to be right, they both have to feel sexy at the same time, and things have to be going well at work and in the family life- no stress, no tiredness, no headaches, and no emotional upsets. And maybe only then will they make love. The problem is that very rarely is everything just right. What they are not ready for is the energy required for the whole sexual performance. Daily devotion isn’t about performance. It’s a way to give each other energy Case Study: Eddy and Karen Eddy and Karen have two children and demanding jobs. Karen explained: When we were first married, we had a lot of sex; we were hot for each other most of the time. Now, with the kids and work all we want to do at the end of the day is sleep. We like sex and love each other but we are lucky if we make love once a month. This is typical for a lot of couples. The thing to realize is that if you don’t keep sex happening, then the passion dies. You might love each other, but you will lose the passion. 77
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In Daily Devotion, you make an agreement to connect in this way regularly. We suggest you try it every day for one week to see what happens. First thing in the morning and last thing at night. For people who say we haven’t got the time to make love, this is perfect because it only takes five minutes. It's important to remember to make agreements about this practice before trying it: Firstly: The goal is not to have orgasm (if it happens fine, but it’s not about seeking it) Secondly: Have an agreed time frame (suggested 5-10 mins, no more). Thirdly: Honor the agreement (e.g. don't you or your partner insist that it goes on to a lovemaking session) or trust will be broken. In this position, the heart chakras are connected and the sex chakras are connected. There is absolutely no pressure on "sexual performance". There is sexual connection without the necessity for orgasm. If you want to introduce this practice to your man, I suggest he reads Sexual Secrets for Men. He will realize that sex without ejaculation is, in fact, of great benefit, as it will increase the power of his sexual energy. So his erections will get stronger, he won’t lose erection, and, when he does ejaculate, it will be a stronger and fuller sensation for him. A number of men say they want more sexual contact in their relationships. They would like to make love more often than their partner does. On the other hand, men with lower libido than their partners don't want to make love and are affected by performance anxiety. Either way, this exercise is worth a try, but do it for at least a week or two.
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2. MORE SWEET ORGASMS FOR WOMEN There are many techniques in the course for ejaculation control and how women can assist their partner with that. If a man can last longer, then there is more time making love and more time for the woman to reach orgasm. There are many good reasons for a man to learn to hold back ejaculation, because when a man ejaculates he loses energy. However a woman doesn’t lose energy through orgasm, in fact she can gain energy. A lot of Tantra books teach you to move energy from the sex chakra to the higher chakras. This is good for transforming sexual energy into spiritual energy, like in the guided practice in MP3 no.8. On a physically level it makes sense for men to do that because it takes away the urgency to ejaculate. However it is not always the appropriate thing for a woman to do on a physical level, because if a woman pulls energy out of her sexual centre, she may have more difficulty having a genital orgasm. It is not necessary for a woman to pull energy up because when a woman has a good orgasm, the energy shoots up naturally, and opens all the chakras including the crown, the spiritual centre. That’s why you will notice the woman’s head tilt back in ecstasy. Most Tantra and Taoist texts were written by men for men and the practices are not always appropriate for women. What a woman needs for spiritual ecstasy is not orgasmic control, but exactly the opposite - ‘more sweet orgasms.’ The following is an extract from Diane’s book ‘Discovering Your Tantric Goddess’. SWEETER, LONGER ORGASMS FOR WOMEN Would you like more sweet orgasms? If you can answer “yes!" then all is possible because the orgasmic potential of your Erotic Goddess is unlimited. I found it hard to believe the theory that a woman is capable of unlimited orgasm; however, when studying advanced sexuality at Moore University at Berkeley, California in 1987, I saw a woman orgasm for over 30 minutes. It amazed me that a woman could continuously orgasm for that length of time, that she could have so much bliss. She wasn’t a highly sexed woman or so-called nymphomaniac. She was an ordinary woman who had developed an extraordinary skill. It opened my mind to the possibility that the frequency and length of my own orgasm could be enhanced. I felt a little cheated because this woman's experience was the exception rather than the rule. A lot of women don't orgasm at all and for many that do, it's for a much more limited time. I wondered if, without centuries of 79
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accumulated suppression of women's sexuality, it would be possible for all women to enjoy orgasm like this. However, I chose to focus not on the past or on the problems of women not coming, but rather on the fact that what I had witnessed, existed at all. It was this more positive focus that led me through some profound experiences over my life to a point where I know and experience what it means in the ancient Tantric writings: "The power of the Shakti is unlimited". More sweet orgasms are your birthright. As you follow the advice in this extract, more and more will become available for you. Your Erotic Goddess will surround you with her glow. This extract is not just another version of “How to become orgasmic”. Many books have already been written on orgasm. It was once the focus of much of the sexual literature for women, for the simple reason that few women at that time had experienced orgasm. Most of our grandmothers would have never experienced an orgasm when they were younger while most grandfathers probably wouldn't know that women were even capable of having them. Since then, things have changed considerably with many more women now experiencing orgasm. If having an orgasm is a difficulty for you, there are exercises throughout the tantra home course designed to help. The focus of this extract, however, is learning that regardless of what type of orgasm you may or may not have right now, the potential to achieve long-lasting, pleasurable orgasm is almost limitless. Once a woman orgasms regularly, she often ceases to explore further. She has her orgasm and goes to sleep like men often do. What she doesn’t know is that there are even more available to her. This potential to orgasm over and over again is one of the greatest gifts the Goddess has given us over men. “When a man comes - he goes,” Stephen Chang, author of the Tao of Sexology, once said to me. In other words, once a man ejaculates he’s finished. According to Eastern traditions, he has lost energy and needs to regenerate, therefore he sleeps. Scientific research has analyzed the nutritional value of an average male ejaculation, which is equivalent to two pieces of steak, ten eggs, six oranges and two lemons combined. That includes protein, vitamins, minerals, amino acids everything"10. No wonder that he'll often roll over and go to sleep after he comes, or maybe I should say after he goes! Gaining energy Women don’t lose energy through orgasm; they don't lose minerals and proteins. In fact, women can gain energy from orgasm. It is only our minds, falsely conditioned by male sexuality that stop us after we orgasm. 80
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Also, a woman may feel tired or even exhausted after sex if she is already tired before lovemaking or her orgasm has originated from feelings of obligation or pressure to perform. What she should realize is that, given a little more knowledge, it is possible for her to open the door to multiple orgasms. There is no physical reason for a woman to stop - it’s just her “mind” that has tricked her. Once she can overcome this, she’ll wonder why she should stop when there is so much more pleasure to have. This is one of the Erotic Goddess's best-kept secrets. If only this secret had been known to ordinary women in the past! Unfortunately, many men had a vested interest in keeping this secret because it threatened them or at least those men who didn’t have good love making skills. Sure you feel relaxed after you orgasm and that's good. But there can be more! And yes, there is definitely more! Are you ready? I’m going to give you three practices that will expand on your orgasmic pleasure: Stronger orgasms You may have the feeling sometimes that when you climax, it doesn’t really complete you. According to the ancient Taoists, this happens for the following reasons. A woman's orgasm builds up over nine rising plateaus of orgasmic energy. Each level of orgasm energizes certain parts of the body and evokes observable and predictable responses. When you orgasm before reaching Level Nine, it feels good but you don't feel totally satisfied. Many women have conditioned themselves to push towards orgasm to climax before their man ejaculates because then, it’s all over. Some push themselves to come together with their man even though they may have enjoyed going longer. When you do this, you only release at Level Four, however, there are another five levels of completion you haven't even touched. Of course, many don't even get to Level Four before their partner is finished. In The Tao of Sexology, Dr Chang writes "Many men, even women, mistake vaginal spasm at Level Four for a complete orgasm.” “…this false orgasm has been called ‘coming together’ in most sexology books". Dr Chang, however, goes on further to say that repeated interruption of orgasm at a certain levels could create an energy imbalance in the corresponding organ for that level of orgasm. For example, Level Four orgasm is related to the kidney and bladder and thus could cause urogenital problems. The Taoists teach methods that prolong a man's ability to sustain erection so he can make love long enough to enable his partner to go through all nine levels. These methods are covered in the Tantra Home course. The higher levels of orgasm take our sexual energy deeper into our bodies, not just energizing the clitoris and vagina, but all our organs. This gives a feeling of deep joy, peace and wholeness on every level of our being. Becoming multi-orgasmic. 81
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The difference between single orgasm and multiple orgasms is that after single orgasm, there is a resolution phase during which arousal and tension are significantly reduced, whereas with multiple orgasms, a woman has a number of orgasms without a complete return to the resolution phase. From my studies, I believe any woman who is orgasmic can become multi-orgasmic. It’s not that some women are lucky and others not. Once you accept this reality then you can start experimenting with selfpleasuring. Use whatever technique brings you reliably to orgasm. Then, depending on your sensitivity, begin stimulation again. You may want to use a vibrator or ask your partner to give you oral sex - whichever gets you to orgasm. Whatever it is, do it as soon as you can after your first orgasm. Sometimes you may find further stimulation after the first orgasm, is irritable, burning, painful or just numb. If this is the case, then gently hold your whole yoni with a cupped hand for a while before starting again or move to the inside the yoni before touching the clitoris again. You may need to vary the length of time before re-stimulating. By fine-tuning this technique, most women will experience another orgasm, followed possibly by more. As you practice, you’ll find the intervals between orgasms will decrease. Essentially, there are three different types of multiple orgasms: Compounded singles is where each orgasm is separated by a significant drop in arousal and sexual tension. Then, the energy is built up again and another orgasm happens. Sequential multiples are where orgasms are two to ten minutes apart with little drop in arousal in between. Serial multiples are sometimes experienced as one long orgasm separated by mere seconds or minutes at most with no drop in arousal, often referred to as extended orgasm. Whatever the type of orgasm, they are all great - any woman who is orgasmic can become multi-orgasmic by practicing the sexual secrets in this Tantra Home course. When you are multi-orgasmic with selfpleasuring, you can transfer that experience to lovemaking with your partner. If you orgasm through intercourse and he follows that with oral sex it’s often a reliable way to enjoy another orgasm. Case Study: Lorraine and Geoff 82
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Lorraine, 29, and Geoff, 27, had been together for five years. She came to me because she had read about the possibility of women becoming multi-orgasmic. Now, she wanted to explore it for herself: Geoff was also keen on the idea. Through asking a little about their sex life together, I found Lorraine could orgasm every time with selfmasturbation, rarely with intercourse, but consistently with oral sex. However, their pattern was that very often, they would start with oral sex. Geoff would enter before her climax and try to complete it with intercourse but that didn't happen so eventually he would come and she was left. I told them to begin with what works. So, for the next month, they were to forget about intercourse - they could do that for the rest of their lives. The focus for the next month, instead, was to have Lorraine experience more orgasms. I suggested a pattern to replace their normal one. Firstly, Lorraine would orgasm through self-masturbation while Geoff kissed and cuddled her, telling her how much he enjoyed being with her and loved to see her have pleasure. Secondly, as soon as Lorraine climaxed, Geoff would start to give her oral sex but would avoid direct contact with her clitoris until she relaxed with the new stimulation (Gentle blowing of this area without actually touching is often a good way to re-approach this most sensitive place). This would continue until she had another orgasm. One month later, they came back. Lorraine looked so much more relaxed and Geoff looked very pleased with himself. Lorraine said, "Although I always climax with oral sex, I was surprised how quickly I came again. Geoff couldn't resist intercourse and entered, but it didn't really matter, I'd already climaxed twice anyway." I suggested to them that from now on, besides their normal spontaneous lovemaking, they could at least have one session per month where they played with the practice of "more sweet orgasms"; having multiple orgasms. Twelve months later, Lorraine says that very often, she now orgasms at least two or three times in the one session. Frequently, with oral sex, the time between her orgasms is only a minute or two, sometimes seconds. Two techniques that can create orgasmic pleasure Pulsing the PC Muscle Contracting and releasing of the PC muscle during intercourse is a good way to assist and increase orgasmic sensation. The use of the PC muscles is well covered in the Tantra Home Course. Pelvic movement Pelvic movement is one key to increasing the likelihood of orgasm during intercourse. Traditionally, movement in lovemaking was achieved by the male thrusting in and out of the vagina while the woman was supposed to 83
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lay back and enjoy. However, current research by sexologists shows that this action does not provide sufficient stimulation on the clitoris to produce orgasm for many women. Its little wonder then those women don’t orgasm during intercourse without some other form of direct stimulation of the jewel (clitoris). It’s important to experiment with positions until you find the one that gives you most direct stimulation. However, no matter what the position, a woman can achieve better stimulation of the clitoris by grinding and rotating movements of her hips. It would seem commonsense that if pelvic movement is fluid and mobile, then more sexual energy will be generated. The woman-on-top position often allows a woman to tilt her hips in such a way to maximize contact between the clitoris and the base of the lingam or pubic bone of her lover. As mentioned, I often recommend belly dancing classes to free up the pelvic area of the body. If your partner only ever moves in the traditional “in and out” pattern, then show him some of your hip movement Sexercises we have already discussed. You’ll be surprised at the limited movement most men have in their hips. However, if he won’t do anything about it, then that doesn’t stop you from getting him into a position where you can move. Case Study: Susan Following one of my workshops, Susan gave me this feedback: That night, putting into practice the hip movements I had learnt during the workshop, I added fantasy to my lovemaking with my partner, Eric, so as to help me with the hip movement. As I climbed on top of him, I shared with him the following fantasy: I imagined myself as a goddess of the South Seas, a goddess of love, welcoming my beloved home. I sat astride him and gently slid over his erect penis. Then I performed a hip dance of welcome and through the movements of my hips, told him how I missed him and longed for him. Sometimes, I moved my hips slowly in a wide rotation and other times suddenly, fast and forceful. Such fun! As my pleasure would peak I asked Eric for complete stillness and we would feel the pleasure flooding through our bodies. I continued with more hip dance. Fortunately he had mastered his ejaculation control techniques so I could continue my south sea hip dance on his lingum for 4 or 5 more times with periods of stillness in between until finally I felt my moon waters releasing and blessing his wand of light. Susan said she usually didn’t have a lot of difficulty coming on his lingam, but the increased hip movement certainly intensified her pleasure and climax.
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The moral of this tale is to experiment much more with moving your hips during intercourse as it will increase your likelihood of orgasm or intensify the orgasms you already have. The sexual secrets for women I’ve given you in this extract are very powerful. Try not to be discouraged if a particular practice seems difficult at first. Eventually, you will move beyond the practice and suddenly, there will be a breakthrough. The practice will have moved into pure joy and you will have claimed another piece of ecstasy that is the birthright of all women awakening to the Tantric Goddess within.
3. MALE VIRILITY DRUGS – SOLUTION OR PROBLEM? As we have already discussed, male virility drugs are being hailed as miracle drugs for impotence, yet, after all the hype they are simply preparations to help impotent men get an erection. They are not aphrodisiacs and might not have any impact on a man’s interest in sex or his desire to be more intimate with you. Nevertheless, many new performance enhancing drugs can exert a powerful influence within sexual relationships, improving things out of sight for some, but causing lots of problems for others. This is especially true in situations where a man’s newfound potency is not welcomed by his partner so he starts to seek other women to test himself out. For some men, once they know they can attain an erection as often as they can take a pill, their desire for sex increases, because they feel confident that they can now perform. I in my opinion, the use of drugs like these may pose a health risk for some. The Ancient Chinese believed that as a man's life force diminishes, so too does his ability to get an erection. It's the body's natural protective mechanism to save him from over ejaculating and losing more life force. Therefore, by using chemically stimulants for the body to produce an erection, the danger facing most men is that they then force themselves to ejaculate even though they might not have felt like it. The next time they try to make love it is less likely they will get an erection naturally so they use the drug a second time and again ejaculate, after continuing this they not only become dependent on the drug but feel exhausted and it affects everything they do. With many drugs, there are attendant side effects. This comes as no surprise. For example, look at the hidden side effects, which the contraceptive pill has caused since its introduction. It wouldn't surprise me to see prostate problems increasing after long-term use of male virility drugs, as the prostate is the gland so integrally involved in sexual functioning in men. 85
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My suggestion is to try natural methods first. If your partner does decide to use a virility drug, then encourage him to use it in moderation. Of course, it won't be long before there is a virility-type pill for women on the market. If your partner’s desire is less than yours, then whether he chooses to use a male virility drug or not, Daily Devotion is a valuable practice, which builds intimacy and energizes both of you. I’ve found Daily Devotion to be of great value for all couples whether they have difference in desire or not. I've found it especially good for couples with small children, because it’s a way to keep sexual passion alive, it doesn’t take a long time and it gives you energy rather than depleting energy, which can happen if you are forcing yourself to go throough the whole performance often required for the normal act of making love. With daily devotion you are in fact making love. It connects sexuality with heartfelt love and there are no performance issues. Daily devotion nourishes you and your relationship.
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Tantric Lovemaking – secrets & practices Home Tantra course
SPECIAL BONUS “Keeping love and sexual passion alive”.
Keeping Love And Sexual Passion Alive By Kerry and Diane Riley This E-book is taken from a recorded lecture series on Tantra and relationships. Speakers: Mr. Kerry Riley Mrs. Diane Riley
Copyright © Australian School of Tantra and Spectra 2000 Pty Ltd. All rights reserved. This Electronic book has been created by new Dimension. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without permission from the copyright holders. Contact: New Dimension
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Bonus ONE One Year Gold Membership To ‘Tantric Sex Tips, Secrets & Practices” Every 28 days you will receive an email from New Dimension with your Tantric Sex Tips, Secrets & Practices. This entitles you to: • Illustrated Tantric Sex Tips. • What’s Hot in Tantra • Huge discounts off DVD’s, Book’s, Music and other great products. • One Tantric question that will be answered by Kerry and Diane Riley.
Bonus TWO “THE TANTRIC GODDESS-TREATING HIM...WHAT TO DO FOR YOUR MAN!”
Copyright Spectra 2000 P/L 2005 The Australian School of Tantra All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, or transmitted in any form without prior permission of the author. Practices described are for entertainment purposes. Please consult your doctor for safe sex practices and advice on suitability of practices for you and your partner.
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My hand, would that it resembled Aphrodite’s hand My faithful lady’s, the mistress of love’s caress. When I am ill she heals my precious stalk.
A woman who is comfortable with her Erotic Goddess of love is able to delight in the sexual pleasure she can initiate for her lover. She knows that sometimes, her lover really appreciates being seduced and feeling the one "desired". She knows it's important they both take this role at different times. That is part of the dance of love that helps to keep love and passion alive. Men's secret desires In surveys I've conducted with couples in my seminars, I've found men’s most common sexual request is that they would like their partner to be more active and take initiative more often than they do. Just as a woman enjoys her beloved organizing romantic dinners or bringing home flowers, a man enjoys his lover to take initiative in sex. Another request is that they would sometimes like to make love with their partner, without the romantic prelude or the warm up, in other words, sex for sex sake. When was the last time you greeted your partner at the front door in underwear and gave him a passionate kiss, or seduced him, other than in the bedroom? Most men enjoy passionate sex without the necessity of the emotional preparation. Men’s sexual awakening Men’s sexual potential is just beginning to be understood. For many years, the focus of sex researchers has been the sexual responses of women and not of men, somehow assuming if a man ejaculates, that‘s all he needs to do to experience great sex. Most men know little of the erotic pleasure that their own body can bring. A lot of men’s sexual pleasure is limited to their active thrusting during intercourse. This of course, is wonderful but much more pleasure is available to them. It was a surprise for me to learn that men will ejaculate because they have reached their pleasure limit and that in fact, ejaculation isn’t always orgasm. Men can extend their capacity for sexual pleasure and have the potential to be multi-orgasmic too! Men become more aware of their own sexual potential when they become more sensually focused rather than exclusively thrusting-orientated.
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It’s easier to give than receive This is true for most heterosexual men when it comes to sex. They are used to taking the active role. They take it as their responsibility to give the woman pleasure and hopefully give her an orgasm. Whether this stems from their egos wanting to be ‘good lovers’ or from real care for their partner’s wellbeing is not always clear. There are some men who are still caught in the ‘male thing’ of ‘giving it to her,’ semen and all. Most modern men feel more pleasure from satisfying their partner, than receiving pleasure directly to nourish themselves. When you reverse roles like we do in the exercises in this chapter, you may find many men don’t know how to receive. They may be very uncomfortable about receiving for more than a few moments without having to reach out and do something to you. The practices I’m about to give you are given separately from intercourse as pleasuring sessions in themselves. The reason for this is that once a man enters a woman with his penis, ‘old conditioning’ often takes over with concerns about his performance and about whether his partner will orgasm. This is associated with conditioning about being the provider, which leads to performance anxiety and therefore, ejaculation focus. The interplay of his energy with yours, thoughts of how you are responding, will you orgasm, when you will orgasm etc., take over. There is too much happening in his mind for him to be able to concentrate on his own capacity to receive. By keeping this pleasuring session separate from intercourse, with him lying on his back while you use your hands to give him the magic strokes given in this chapter, you will give him more chance of being able to let go and surrender to your ‘looking after him. You might think that this happens in the ‘woman on top’ position, but you’ll find the man will still be thinking the same thoughts as when he is on top. Only the positions have changed. Once he can relax and drink deeply of your every touch, of every sensation you are giving him, he will begin to extend his pleasure threshold, learn to receive sexual pleasure, spreading and absorbing it through his body. You’ll find your lovemaking during intercourse will take on a whole new dimension of mutual exchange - of giving and receiving, no matter what position you are in. The following lovemaking skills involve you as the initiatress, introducing your beloved to levels of pleasure only available to him when he is the receiver, not the active partner. First, let me explain in tantra the sexual organs are not called vagina or penis. The terms are much more endearing. The term vagina, for me, seems very anatomical and medical. I will take my vagina to the gynecologist, but I have a yoni as a sensual woman and while making love! Originally the name vagina came from the Latin, meaning, ‘sheath for the sword’ The word yoni is from the Hindu language meaning sacred place, precious garden, field of pleasure, gateway. In ancient India, the yoni was acknowledged as the gateway through which we were all born. Therefore it was a sacred place. In lovemaking, it was revered as a place where a man could enter “a field of heaven”. Such renaming of our sacred parts brings a magical and transformative quality to lovemaking again. How much more preferable is the use of the word yoni to other less poetic and often derogatory terms such as ‘cunt’, for example - a word commonly used to describe someone you fervently detest. Interestingly, the early derivatives of ‘cunt’ from the early Norse language is Kunna- meaning ‘to know’, in middle English, ‘cunte’ meant country. Perhaps you would like to borrow some of the following names of love and beauty for your own genitalia: Vagina: Yoni, lotus flower, bell, cup, flower, jade cavern, field of heaven, pleasure palace, hidden valley, cunny, honey pot, or rosetta. And for him, instead of penis, dick, prick and other equally assertive, dominate and less sensitive romantic terms the tantric reference is ‘lingam’, meaning wand of light! A lot of men like the idea of having a lingam or lingam, one young man in my workshops said he liked to call his, his
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longum!!! Of course whatever he has, let him know how beautiful it is and how much you admire it. The guys are more sensitive than we know when it comes to their ‘bits’. Heart-lingam connect Have him lie down on his back as you sit between his legs. Then, pleasure his lingam (you could use some of the magic strokes already suggested), or give him oral sex until he is fully erect and charged with energy. Have him open his eyes, then put one hand over his lingam and the other hand on his heart center. Get eye contact, talk to him and tell him you love him. This helps to connect the pleasure and passion he feels in his genitals to the warmth in his heart and intensifies his feeling of love for you.
Also try by running your palm from his genitals along to his heart center then through to his shoulders and down to his hands. Do this in long, sweeping strokes, one hand after the other, for five or six strokes. Breathe in deeply as you stroke up to his heart and breathe out as you take it down his arms. Ask him to follow your breathing - this helps to lift the sexual energy away from the genitals to the heart and upper body. You can also use a sweeping stroke down his thighs. Your hands can help create pathways, not only for the energy to flow to his heart and upper body, but also down his lower body and feet. Once a man develops this connection, then during lovemaking, all you need do is simply reach out and touch his heart center. It will act as a reminder for him to get in touch with his love, not just his performance. In tantra, the most important connection is between the genitals and the heart, so making this connection for him through the massage helps move his sexuality past his groin other parts of his body and most importantly to his heart, the seat of his emotions. Of course some guys may be quite uncomfortable with this as they just want to get their ‘rocks off’ and not think of any love they are feeling, they are just in it for the rush of explosive orgasmic energy. Tantra brings both orgasmic ecstasy but combines it with an expanded experience of our different bodies, the physical, the emotional and the spiritual. So it can take a little practice and more openness to move out of the known routine of sex, pash, grope, make out and come, to explore physical ecstasy and heartfelt loving combined. Case study: Lisa and Jesse Jesse was in his early 20s and had practiced the Taoist teachings of ejaculation control yet this practice of heart- lingam connect had opened up another dimension for him. There was so much energy in his heart that his erections would actually subside momentarily. He had an experience of a deep feeling of love for his partner Lisa; he even felt tears come to his eyes. Lisa loved seeing him feel his emotions. She had always liked his sexual technique and his ability to control
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his orgasm because she was nearly always sexually satisfied. But this was something else; she had never seen this tender side of him. From that moment forward, for both of them, their lovemaking was no longer just good sex. They now each recognized and understood the Erotic Goddess’s secret of transforming sex into making love.
Anyway, enough of the heart, lets get down to the tantric tips! Erotic full body massage A wonderful part of being an Erotic Goddess is being able to give your partner more pleasure than he has ever experienced before. The first thing you need to do is to set the scene; room, music, lighting, temperature, refreshments. This time is for his pleasure, let him relax, he doesn’t have to do anything except receive your attention and your love. For many men, this is a dream come true! So for a man to hear that all he needs to do is to enjoy his woman’s loving attention, it’s great. He may have had a massage before, but not like the one you are about to give him. Masseurs avoid our most pleasurable parts. This time, the focus is on the whole of the body and that means his wand of light will definitely not be left out. Your partner is going to love this. It will help shift the focus of his sexual experience from purely genital to an overall feeling of bliss on many levels. Not only will it be good for your partner, you will also thoroughly enjoy giving it. It will open you up to new experiences because it will give you a sense of power. You will be orchestrating his pleasure and initiating him into new areas of sexuality. In this practice, you will experience being an Aphrodite Temple Priestess and take him to Paradise. As one of Aphrodite’s, you view heightened pleasure as a gift to the Divine, to the goddess. You know pleasure is derived not purely from just receiving as is the case for mere mortals with their attitude of “what’s in this for me?” True pleasure also comes from giving in service of the Goddess. First, set the temple scene for the massage; whatever scene you set in your bedroom depends on what gives you a feeling of being the initiatress. Wear clothing that imparts this feeling. For some women, this can mean lacy underwear, for others it could be transparent scarves and beads, for others still, maybe black leather. Have massage oils prepared, towel, water, and a massage table if you have one. Check to see you have everything on hand you need so that you don’t have to keep getting up to find something. Once you’ve set the scene, prepare your partner. Perhaps scrub his back in the bath and towel him down. You could offer him his favorite food or drink and provide some entertainment, music or even a seductive dance as a gift from Aphrodite. Have him first lie down on his stomach and first give him a back massage. Many of us carry a lot of accumulated tension and stress in the shoulders and back and across the hips. Firm pressure and pummeling with a loose fist is often just what he needs to relax. Ask him to turn over and massage him all over including hands, feet, legs, arms, head, neck, and chest. If you have never given a massage before, you could book yourself in for a therapeutic massage so you get some ideas on what to try, or join a basic massage class. Otherwise, simply sweep your hands all over his body, apply firm pressure to tense areas using the flat of your hand with circular motion and kiss any sensitive areas including ankles, knees, inside of thighs, neck, ears, and nipples and so on.
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Continue this way for around ten to fifteen minutes until you arrive at that glorious destination, his wand of light. Pleasuring the penis - lingam delights There are many benefits of learning massage techniques of the penis/ lingam. According to Dr. Stephen Chang, each part of the body, including the genitals, is a microcosm of the macrocosm. Just as there is foot reflexology, where pressing certain points on the feet stimulates certain parts of the body, penis-reflexology operates in a similar fashion. The Ancient Chinese believed that each part of the penis corresponded to a particular organ and the functioning of that organ can be affected by massage of that particular part of the penis, whether manually or orally, or indirectly adapting lovemaking positions. So do this for his health! These following erotic lingam massage techniques were first introduced to us by Neville Rowe, a Tantric teacher who originally had studied and taught sacred sexuality within the gay community in America in the late 80s. These techniques are designed to heighten male pleasure and were first practiced within gay relationships. They are wonderful lovemaking practices to add to heterosexual relationships as well. The practices entail role reversal from the usual heterosexual relationship where the male is actively thrusting. Here, the male is in the receptive role. He receives attention and genital pleasure while his partner initiates and is active. It’s a good idea to start with the body massage I suggested before going directly to his lingam. Make sure he is lying comfortably on his back, head on pillows if preferred. Ensure the room temperature is appropriate for comfort and have plenty of lubrication for the massage - oils, petroleum jelly, or water-based lubricant. Magic Strokes Lay him on his back, legs spread apart, as you sit between his legs. And try these sexy tantric tips.
1. Sweeping Stroke (Sweep it “up”) Use plenty of oils, start on the inner left thigh and sweep along the thigh up over the penis and down the inside of the other thigh. The stroke is performed by sweeping one palm following immediately after the other in a continual motion. Do this several times, and then reverse the direction. After a while, ‘up’ comes the lingam, raising its head looking for more! 2. “Jiggle and Giggle” Take his wand and cup your hand over the head so your fingertips hold the top of the shaft just behind the head. Jiggle your hand, making a vibration, stop, and jiggle again and continue. This will usually put a smile on his face and get you giggling. Have fun while you’re doing this and remember it’s not a scientific experiment. Some men will like a light touch while other may prefer it much firmer. A combination of both is usually appreciated. 3. Rock around the clock – good for when he is soft or firm Again, have lots of oil and firmly stroke along the shaft of the lingam, one palm after the other from the base up to the head then starting again at the base. Guide the direction so you take the lingam through the hours of the clock. In the 12 o’clock position, you are stroking towards the navel, at 1 o’clock, towards the hip bone, 2 o’clock towards the groin, 3, 4 and 5 against the inside of the leg and 6 o’clock, straight down. Now continue up the other side the same way, back to the 12 o’clock position, and go around again.
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Be as rapid or slow as you like. His hour ‘hand” may become more and more erect so that the stroking is diagonal to his body rather than flat against it. Ask him what time he likes best! Is it 12 o’clock or 6 o’clock? Again remember to have some fun, sex is sometimes too serious, see if you can lighten up and not try so hard. 4. Ups and downs Hold at the base of the lingam and stroke up and down. Have one hand or thumb and middle fingers holding the base to give stability while you use the other hand to stroke the penis. Vary the rhythm, speed and pressure of the strokes up and down along his lingam. Now have the lower hand stroke from the middle of the shaft down to the base as the upper hand strokes at the same time from the middle up to over the head. Then slide hands back to the middle again and repeat. As your hands go in opposite directions, this can give him the feeling of an enhanced length in his penis, which men enjoy. Vary the speed at which you do this 5. The extra three inches Use the same stroke as before with your hands going in opposite directions, left hand going up and right hand going down but this time; continue with the lower hand through to the scrotum. The left-hand finger and thumb form a circle hooked behind the head of the lingam for traction pulling upwards. The right hand encases the balls - pull quite firmly on the scrotum but be careful not to over squeeze. This stretching in opposite directions with left and right hands gives him an extra feeling of length. Now continue with your right hand under the scrotum towards the anus and you’ll find another three inches of lingam under the skin. Stroke this area up and down as well several times and tell him “I’ve found another three inches” - he’ll like that! 6. Pouches of jewels Women often avoid touching the scrotum, because they have been taught that the testicles are extremely sensitive and can be easily hurt. Of course, this can be true in the case of rough handling. During sexual arousal, however, they become engorged and harder and are very sensitive to erotic touch. When he is highly aroused, use one hand to encircle the scrotum above the testes while the other fingertips stimulate and tickle his jewels. Kissing and licking are also delightful. This can be a turn on for both of you. 7. The Twister This technique is a much-loved favorite of many men we’ve introduced it to. Use lots of oil or gel on his lingam, have your hands in the same mid-position as for “ups and downs”. Now gently twist laterally in opposite directions then together again. Slide your hands together up and down the shaft as you continue the lateral twisting. Neville Rowe called this stroke Twist and Shout. But if there is plenty of oil, the shouts will be of joy, not distress! 8. Enter and Enter For this stroke to feel best, he needs to be erect. The technique consists of a firm, steady stroke using both hands. Make a circle with your thumb and first finger of your left hand and take that circle over the head of his wand so it has to push through like entering your yoni. Now, put your other hand on top of that, making an open fist like the cylindrical shape of a barrel. Slide your hands down so the lingam passes through both hands until the circle on your right hand reaches the base of his lingam. Then immediately start him entering a circle made with your left circle hand and so on. Continue as before, repeating this hand over hand. To him, it feels as though he were making his entrance again and again.
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9. Gates of consciousness One of the most sensitive places on the penis is the fremulum on the underside of the penis just under the head. The skin here is fine and baby soft. If your man has a foreskin, gently pull it down. With oil, begin using the flat, upper part of your index and middle fingers to gently massage the fremulum. Remember, this is extremely sensitive so make sure you get a little feedback so the sensitivity doesn’t turn into irritability. As we have already seen, in the same way, if a clitoris is over stimulated, the feeling can quickly turn from pleasure to pain. These strokes can be a part of foreplay, but if you only ever use them in this way, then while he’s receiving, he might just be thinking about the intercourse that will come next, rather than relaxing and receiving the pleasure that is happening now. Case Study: Sue During a period of almost two years, Sue had rarely made love with her partner, John. He always seemed too busy and whenever she would try, he would say he wasn’t interested. When she came for a consultation she was very upset. She had really tried the previous night; she’d been to her hairdresser, cooked a fabulous dinner, massaged his shoulders and was ready to try some of these strokes on him that I had taught her. She thought: “If he is tired, then I’ll treat him and maybe he’ll get interested after that.” When he got to bed all he wanted to do was talk about financial issues. She had had enough. She asked if I knew anyone she could use some of these practices with - no strings attached. I knew a guy I felt would suit and arranged a meeting and dinner. They eventually got to bed together. Sue said, “It was fabulous, I felt like I was a temple priestess I knew all these secret skills that only Erotic Goddesses know and here was a stranger who had come to the temple for sexual healing from the highest priestess. I gave him a time to remember. He said that I was very skilled and that he felt he had been touched by a goddess. It was as though he were in heaven. We didn't go on and make love. I wanted to but I would have felt too guilty. I felt OK about doing this. In fact, it was so damn good, I think I’ll do it at least once a month! I’m much calmer with John now and I think he’ll be relieved when I don’t bother him as much.
Resistances You might be surprised, but I know that for some women, the idea of gently massaging their partner’s lingam might seem a little foreign. For some, it is associated with subservience, degradation or exploitation. If you have any of these feelings, it’s a good idea to examine them, to see if there is a foundation for them, and talk to your partner about it if you can. If you have a past sexual history that was painful to you emotionally or physically, something you and your partner can’t handle, seek some help. Case Study: Karen and Phil Karen met Phil while she was recovering from a sexually abusive first marriage. They did a lot of personal growth work together and they were keen to take that consciousness into their sex life. They both knew that it would require love and patience. Karen was articulate and expressed to me clearly what it was like learning to face the terror that presented itself to her occasionally when old memories would surface. This is her story:
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Karen shared with me that pleasuring of her partner brought up deep resistance for her. As Phil lay down, memories of her prior abusive marriage flooded into her mind. She felt a strong desire to retaliate for the past, now that she was in a position of power and control, even though she was with Phil whom she loved and felt safe with. However, she kept these feelings in check, she reminded herself of the love she felt for Phil and tentatively started to stroke him. Phil was aware of her hesitancy and softly gave her feedback on his pleasure. Karen lightly stroked him all over then gently cupped his jewels (scrotum) and lingam in her palms and whispered to them, as she would to a baby how she loved them. Applying oil to his lingam, she stroked, using upward motions while holding firmly the base. With each peak of energy, her confidence grew and she was delighted with her newfound skill. Phil was experiencing increasing waves of pleasure. He said, “It was as if my whole body was as sensitive as my lingam. I lost boundaries of time during the experience and I felt this energy entering my heart. I felt so much love”.
Karen had made a breakthrough where she was able to willingly give sexual pleasure to the man she loved and let go of sexual fear from her past. In couples seminars I have taught, it has been my experience that Love is the greatest healer. That either partner can be a healer for the other to help overcome the emotional damage caused by past negative experience. If your partner can be there for you in sexual intimacy as a ‘healer’, using unconditional love and support, then no matter what emotional pain and distress you are feeling, it can produce healing of huge magnitude. And you can do the same for him. Of course, working with a trained therapist can also be valuable but very few employ the physical and sexual healing that may be needed. Peaking It’s about building sexual energy higher and higher with each “peak’ so that orgasmic energy is more powerfully felt with each orgasmic rush. This building up of energy is called tumescence. You need to be able to communicate with your partner. This isn’t about teasing him. This is about assisting him to learn about his orgasmic response. Orgasm and ‘coming’ or ejaculation are two different things. Men can come without a full orgasm and visa versa, so when starting out on this experiment with your partner. You need to learn about your partner’s sexual response, how much pleasure and sexual stimulation he can cope with, before he comes. So take him to about 60% the first few times, then up to 75% and eventually to 95%. In between you will need to de-tumesce him which will spread the sexual energy for him. Stimulate his penis manually and, as he becomes more and more sexually excited and his penis becomes even more erect, stop stimulation and cup your palm over the head of his penis with firm but gentle pressure. After a few minutes when his lingam relaxes a little, start stroking again. This cupping method creates de-tumescence, it allows the nerve endings in the penis to assimilate the stimulation and your partner time to spread the energy in his penis throughout his body. This “peaking” may be repeated up to ten or more times in one session. I call this whole pleasuring session, that is, the erotic massage, including magic strokes for the lingam, combined with peaking, ‘male honoring’.
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Male honoring and whole body orgasm A whole body orgasm is where you build up the sexual charge so that every part of the body is full with energy, not just the genitals. Very often, when men ejaculate, only the sexual center is charged. The orgasm is just a genital experience. In male honoring, we keep building the sexual energy to a very high level so that when he releases, he feels it throughout his entire body. The whole body will feel like one big penis, pulsing with pleasure. During male honoring, use the erotic lingam massage techniques to bring him to a sexual peak at least seven times. The length of time between peaks of energy may vary. Sometimes, it may only be a few minutes and other times it may vary up to 10 minutes. A man may need to experience this honoring technique a few times until he feels comfortable with it before he experiences a whole body orgasm. It requires trust and communication. It’s essential for him to be able to trust you that you are able to pleasure him enough without it becoming too much for him, causing him to ejaculate before he builds enough energy, so be aware of this. In the early stages, it would be much better to stop and hold too early rather than too late. Male honouring has many benefits: ♥His pleasure threshold will be enhanced; he will build up more and more sexual energy before ejaculation, which means when he does ejaculate, the sensation of orgasm will be more powerful than before. ♥When having intercourse with you, he will be able to sustain erections for longer, enabling you to experience more of your pleasure ♥ As he experiences higher orgasmic states, it changes for him from a solely genital based orgasm into a whole body orgasm. ♥He experiences what it’s like to receive in lovemaking, which develops his ability to ‘surrender’ and ‘let go’. This, in turn, increases his pleasure. ♥ You understand your partner’s pattern of sexual response much better. ♥ The experience increases a woman’s sense of control and confidence sexually. Many women enjoy giving and directing the pleasure. It can engender a wonderful sense of wellbeing. Case Study: Story from Lombok Emma, 23 was very much in love with Joel, 26. They came on a vacation seminar with us a few years ago on the island of Lombok, Indonesia. The morning after the ‘male honoring’ homework, Joel’s eyes were shining. He had so much energy as he recounted to our group his special experience. He said Emma had treated him like a king, she had organized the room with candles and music then had given him a relaxing and sensuous massage. He said she massaged his wand of light for what seemed like at least half an hour before he lost track of time. Finally, he experienced a flooding of energy pulsing through his body like waves of bliss. He said it was incredible and honestly didn’t know if he had ejaculated or not. When he asked her, she said he hadn’t. He couldn’t believe it, his whole body in orgasm for what seemed like 10 minutes yet he hadn’t even ejaculated.
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What Joel experienced was a whole body orgasm. An experience of sexual energy rose so high that it pulses through the whole body. Some men may physically ejaculate with whole body orgasm while others may experience the orgasm without ejaculation like Joel had. It was Joel’s first experience of orgasm without ejaculation - whether he had ejaculated or not would have made no difference to the high state he was in. Emma said she had never seen Joel so sexually high before and that she became a little frightened of the intensity of his experience. She realized he had his eyes shut and it was if he was off in a world of his own. Wisely, she recognized that for her to feel a part of his experience, she needed more eye contact. From time to time, she asked him to open his eyes and look at her. With this simple request, Emma was able to feel connected with Joel as she took him into higher and higher orgasmic states. Surprising resistances For men and women, often resistances get in the way of experiencing pleasure, especially when it is a new situation, and for many men, the idea of postponing or building on orgasm is a new one, a new aspect of making love. Once your man experiences the benefits, however, he won’t have any trouble but you might have to encourage him to let you even try at first. Don’t be surprised that after initial eagerness, he is a little uncomfortable, and wants to become more active and touch and stroke you, and direct what you are doing. If this happens, just ask him to relax and receive. Some men find it difficult to take a totally receptive role, yet if you let them take over for even five minutes, they won’t be able to control themselves. While your man is enjoying these strokes, unexpectedly, he may have trouble maintaining his erection or even getting one, or is not as turned on as you may have thought. In many cases, it simply means his pleasure in the past has been focused on your pleasure. This is better than the sexually immature man whose pleasure is totally focused on his ejaculation. Nevertheless, it may still be difficult for him. It’s just that most men don’t know they can still enjoy lots of pleasure from a soft lingam. It’s still a very sensitive organ. We will discuss this issue later in this chapter. At this stage, just assure him you like playing with his soft wand. “Rock around the Clock” can actually feel better on a half-erect lingam. It’s important that, during this pleasuring session, he is not lying there trying to produce an erection again. The object of the exercise here is simply to relax and just receive. It is very important to ask for feedback if he would like you to stroke faster or slower, harder or softer. At times it may be appropriate to stop and hold still with no movement at all, not as a peak but as a way of varying the stimulation. Case Study: Sarah and Marcus Here’s what happened for Sarah when she gave Marcus a male honoring session: Sarah wanted this night to be special. She saw it as her gift to Marcus. She asked him to relax and enjoy a long bath, which she poured for him, adding a little oil of ylang ylang and vetiver. Her space was ready, soft light, relaxing music. She knew if she wanted Marcus to feel special and cared for, she too would have to feel and look special. She helped dry Marcus down and asked him to lie on his back on the mat. Carefully, she placed a cushion under his head, and began
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gently to massage his toes and feet. She stroked over his legs, hands arms, neck, face, ears, chest and abdomen. She stroked his lingam gently in different ways, using some of the magic strokes. Soon, he came to a peak of sexual energy. Sarah was aware not to over stimulate Marcus and held the top of his lingam with the palm of her hand firmly cupped over the head (detumescing), until his lingam became a little softer. Then she started stroking again, peaking and de-tumescing five or six times for around 30 minutes. Marcus told Sarah that this was the most intense experience he had ever had – he had orgasmic sensations running through his entire body. Sarah felt terrific; she had kept Marcus in this state for such a long period. At the end of the session, as he lay there in ecstasy, she asked him to open his eyes and look at her. As their eyes met, the heightened sexual energy transported them into a sweet and beautiful place; it felt as if they were floating in a timeless space. She took him in her arms, holding him tenderly; they were so much in love.
When you give your man a male honoring session, consider wearing something that is sensual, whether it is sensuous underwear, a see-through blouse, or sarong. If you have nothing suitable, treat yourself to new underwear. Even a simple scarf tied around your hips can add a touch of the seductress and, if it suits, some jewelry or makeup. Remember, you are becoming more and more the Erotic Goddess. A man appreciates a woman who has a strong sense of her sexuality and who enjoys looking sensual.
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Bonus THREE “WHAT’S GOING ON IN SEX!”
WHAT’S GOING ON IN SEX By Kerry and Diane Riley This E-book is taken from a recorded lecture series on Tantra and relationships. What’s going on in sex is part of a four part course series audio CD’s. Speakers: Mr. Kerry Riley Mrs. Diane Riley
Copyright © Australian School of Tantra and Spectra 2000 Pty Ltd. All rights reserved. This Electronic book has been created by new Dimension. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without permission from the copyright holders. Contact: New Dimension
[email protected] Or http://www.australianschooloftantra.com.au Disclaimer: The purpose of this e-book is to educate and entertain. The authors shall have neither liability nor responsibility for any purpose or entity with respect to any loses or damage caused or alleged to be cause directly or indirectly by the information contained in this e-book.
Welcome to ‘What’s going on in sex’. In our workshops on relationships and sexuality we often get people to write down some of their difficulties and fears in the areas of relationship, and the area of their sex life, these are written privately with no names attached. We collect these letters, which we now have a collection of thousands where get this information. To find out what is really going on in the area of sex, and please realise that what is happening for you right now in your sex life, in your relationship is perfect, its all happened before and there is an opportunity there for your growth.
Our work is not about solving your difficulties, because if we were to solve those difficulties you are experiencing now in your relationships and in your sex life, then all you would find is that there would be a whole lot more difficulties and problems that would appear. It’s like the concept that life is a journey it’s not a destination, there will always be something else. Life is happy, life is sad, life is joy, life is disappointment, life is health, life is sickness, life is night, and life is day, and the journey of your sex life is many different things. If anyone tells you they never had any problems, disappointments or difficulties in their sex life, then you can be assure that they lie about other things as well.
Now what we are going to do is listen to an exert from one of our seminars in Melbourne Australia, to over 200 people where we were reading out some of theses letters. I hope you enjoy it!
Letters from the Workshop Note: K: Means Kerry Riley’s speaking D: Means Diane Riley’s speaking Letter: I would like to learn ways to keep a happy satisfying and loving relationship, where I am open and completely trusting to my partner. D: “Who relates to that one?”
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Letter: Some of my difficulties in the area of my sex life are; orgasm, satisfaction, foreplay, suitable partner, enough, cuddles. K: “Who can relate to that, no one needs more cuddles? C’mon lets be honest, who can relate to some of those things. Good, Good. See how perfect your relationship is.”
Letter: My partner doesn’t want as much sex as I do. K: “We won’t ask hands up for that one.” (Laughs).
Letter: I lose interest in my partner as time goes on, and the sexual spark won’t be there as much. D: “A lot of us can relate to that one.”
Letter: Some of my past negative experiences in area of my sex life are; harassed by a fellow worker; I was attacked in the park. One of my lovers was cruel to me and left bad memories.
Letter: I feel very vulnerable, and fear of not being able to find the right partner K: “Who can relate to some of those ones? Yeah have a look, have a look around.”
Letter: My fear about relationships is being disliked and criticized
Letter: I would like to learn to have more fun in my relationship; I would like to learn to be able to communicate more effectively on all levels with my partner.
Letter: My difficulties in the area of my sex life are I don’t relax. I think too much about other things. I think about if I am satisfying the other person.
K: “Just a few more, there are some other things here I would like to get out, Diane could you read this one?”
Letter: We both have family and separate commitments.
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Letter: Some of the fears in my sex life are I don’t live with the man that I want to live with.
Letter: In relationships, when I am with someone I am still attracted by other women, and we grow apart within a short period of time.
Letter: Past negative experience in sex life. Treatment of women in general, I feel no respect form men, more like a sex object.
Letter: Want a better understanding, and a more conscious way of communicating with human beings, and to find out the secrets to accumulate my sexual energy. K: “Good, good.”
Letter: learn to enjoy my relationship; the sex and joy with my partner.
Letter: I would like to have a better sex drive, I’m not sure if I have one at the moment.
K: “Could you read out some more purposes Diane… I just like reading all these things. Want to listen to more?”
Letter: What I would like to get out of the weekend is a closer and loving relationship with my partner.
Letter: An insight into the art of better lovemaking.
Letter: To learn how to keep relationships alive and well, to learn to control my sexual feelings, to learn to effectively combine good sex with a Christen lifestyle.
……………………………………………………………………………………………. …………………………………………………………………………………………….
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We
are going to leave the workshop here and I’d like to summarise some of the
things that regularly come up for people. •
Too much tension to hold back my ejaculation.
•
Too much tension to have an orgasm.
•
I don’t find sex as interesting as I used to.
•
I am afraid of not satisfying my partner.
•
Difficulty in having an orgasm and feeling satisfied.
•
Not a strong sex drive.
•
Imbalance in our sex drives.
A whole range of letters from men are related to performance, and whole range of letters from women are all about attraction. That is because it is basic nature of men and women.
As we read and go into the next section of this audio CD, we are going to make comments on some of the letters, and I hope you can integrate some of our suggestions. But please realise we are not setting ourselves up as perfect, and we don’t expect you to agree with everything we say obviously.
What we are doing and what we are about is just opening up people to being able to freely look at their sexuality as another part of personal growth, in getting to know thy self, another one of life’s journeys.
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Sex and relationship - questions answered Diane could you please read the first letter you had there, thanks.
D: One lady wrote ‘I don’t like my breasts being touched, and my boyfriend is always putting pressure on me to respond. We have discussed this difficulty and have argued about it. But neither of us knows what is happening or why it’s happening for both of us.’
K:
My comment on this is that maybe emotional hurts from past sexual experience
that you haven’t recognised and it had been imprinted on your sub-conscious, and now you’re living out of them like there’s some truth. We are very vulnerable and sensitive when it comes to our self-image and the area of sex. Your first few partners that you have, have a very deep effect on how you feel now about sex.
Let’s say for you, for your guy it’s his first or second sexual experience with a woman, and the woman said to him, I mean she’d been around for a bit and she said to him. “You don’t satisfy me, you’re not a good lover.” Now that could leave a serious imprint on that mans subconscious and from there on his life is always about trying to please the woman without getting much satisfaction himself.
He doesn’t even realise his doing it, but deep down he has a fear that maybe he is not a good lover, his not a real man. Now a lot of guys are out there are trying to prove they are a good lover. But they are missing love.
Now that’s a shame, and for you in one of your earlier sexual experiences, maybe your guy tells you your breast are a funny shape, or there too big, or too small. Or maybe someone at school one day, or one of your family members made some negative comment about your breasts.
It hurts, and you can take it in as a hurt and brew on it in your sub-conscious, and from then on you don’t like your breasts. So when a guy is making love to you and your guy loves them and his touching them, but at the same time inside you know that they are 5
ugly. You could have ten lovers tell you I really love your breasts and you won’t believe them. The reason you wont believe him is you have a past hurt in that area, which has been imprinted on your sub-conscious and it’s now like a reality for you.
A man can say to you after a sexual experience, “you don’t respond very well, you take too long to orgasm.” One lady in fact told me once that her first lover was a Doctor and he told her she should get an operation on her clitoris. Now if something like that happens to you in an early sexual experience, that can have a devastating effect on you, and you can spend the rest of your life desperately trying to prove that you’re a real woman. Desperately trying to respond properly, desperately trying to get those fabulous orgasms every time, because you have a fear that maybe he was right.
So what to do, well first thing is to become aware of it, Awareness. You can often let go of past, just by becoming aware of how it was created. Realising you don’t want to live your life out of someone else, out of something that happened way back there. That this is your life and you get to choose.
Realising what is happening and then choosing again, only this time according to what you want to create. Not entertaining any negative thoughts in the area of your sex life. Realising this gives the negative thoughts power and they grow and become truths for you. Rather, observe them. Don’t fight against them, realise that’s the past, that’s not you, it’s the past.
Catch yourself thinking them and replace it with ‘that’s not like me”, and then take creative periods every evening where you go into your mind and visualise the way you would like to respond. See yourself enjoying every moment of his loving and caressing of you. Repeating to your self “I am a sensual woman I deserve pleasure”. Or “I love sex now, I just let go and I relax” or “I deserve love, I deserve sexual pleasure”. I’d like to suggest to everyone to read a book by Sondra Ray called ‘I Deserve Love’, now there are some excellent affirmations here for a whole range of difficulties to help you open up to love, and help you open up to sex in your life.
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……………………………………………………………………………………………… . I’d like to read a letter; this is from a woman “sometimes I feel as though I'm on tap. That my body is being used just for my husband’s physical satisfaction.” Diane would you like to comment on this on please?
D:
Thank you Kerry. Now I feel that this is a very common complaint. Over the time
we have been doing the seminars a number of women have had similar comments especially in long term relationships. When life partners or husbands and wives are really busy with life issue, of establishing financial security, or bringing up a family. What happens is there is less and less time available for each other, and time for that emotional closeness that you had in the early part of the relationship. This emotional closeness is being sacrificed, to the business, to the carrier, to the family. Which is all essential, but we start to lose sight of ourselves as a couples.
So when our partner initiates sex and this is often the male, and the time is in bed late at night, after a busy day, when the woman has had little energy left after spending all her time with kids, and sorting out the different difficulties of what’s been happening. She certainly doesn’t want to be approached by an erect penis, or fondling of the breasts just before penetration.
Well we have to look at the issues; now what has been happening is often the males sexual readiness is much higher than the females. He is constantly being exposed to sexual energy from popular culture that is from magazines and advertising. As you know and they advertise everything from mineral water through to trackers using female body’s on TV, posters etc. Then men also really get into conversational inferences, lustful glances, fantasies and imaginings.
What then happens is his woman really needs her emotional levels fulfilled before she feels sexually empowered, before her sexual temperature starts to rise to meet his.
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Again back to man and woman and what they really need is to respect each other, and their individual needs, to forget that they are husband and wife, Mother and Dad. These areas are so often neglected and forgotten, and it unfortunately leads to real emotional dissatisfaction on part of the woman, who releases all this frustration with emotional outbursts, and criticism of the man.
He then becomes really sexually frustrated, and fears he has been really un-fairly victimised by his partner, in relation to as many tasks, as though he were being nagged.
I suggest that husband / wife, man and woman like partners, need to keep a regular time to really nourish each other and to support each other on a daily basis. I mean you may say to me, “Oh 5 minutes, I can’t find that five minutes to sit down with my partner.”
But let’s really look at what’s important. It’s your relationship, your commitment to your emotional and sexual relationship. So five minutes is a small investment, to sit down together put aside the business, the children and to communicate how you are really feeling about yourself. What is happening with you for that day, what different things are you going through, and take the opportunity to give each other reassurance and support that friends and mothers do.
Now this short daily practice can go a long, long way in the emotional nurturing of both man and woman. So when they come together sexually later, the energies are much more closely attuned and harmonised more quickly.
Another exercise for people with some knowledge of spinal energy work, is just simply sitting back to back, and if your familiar with charkas just slowly rising the energy from the base of the spine up the charkas, up to the crown to the top of the head, and down again. Harmonising your breath together and then as your breathing in rasing the energies together and down. This is a really close exercise to bring the energies really close together in quick time.
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Another suggestion is I think it’s really important to make a date for sex, at least once a week, or a fortnight, or whatever is comfortable for you. What I mean by ‘a date for sex’, not that you wouldn’t have sex other times, but this is planned time in advance when you both make the commitment to organise your tasks, or to set aside two or three hours or more if you can for each other just sexually.
Now some people would say to me ‘Oh, well sex should be spontaneous otherwise I'm just not interested.’ Well I’m suggesting to you that sex can be like planning a fabulous dinner.
Sometimes with spontaneity, you have these great ideas, and you get interrupted by a knock on the door, the kids crying, the phone, and all of sudden some emergency is happening. If it is planned and you take the time to really make sure all these other issues are dealt with, or the kids are looked after. Then you know you have this time together, you’re planning ahead for it during the week.
It’s like making a date to go to the theatre and enjoying the anticipation of it, reminding each other of it, and talking about the wonderful time you are going to have together when you do have this date. So you can organise for the children to sleep over at friends, or get them to bed really early, or something can be organised.
If you want something to happen and you have your intention there, you can organise it. Or the business matters are arranged so that you have a free day, and then when the agreed time comes you have to go through with that commitment.
What happens is men are often afraid that their partner is going to be too tired, or have a headache, or whatever it is, and that physical intercourse wont happen. So his sexual temperature rises even more, so often the sight of his woman’s naked body is
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enough to have him just totally aroused, so as soon as any penetration takes place he has come and gone and the situations lost to you.
So it needs to be done where you both are sure this time is going to be committed to each other, but it’s done in a relaxed atmosphere of talking, holding, touching, and encompassing everything that making love is. A process of discovering what being love is, and what loving another human being can be. ………………………………………………………………………………………………
K: Thanks Diane, would you like to read the next letter please?
D:
Ok, now the next one is “My husband is always trying to give me an orgasm, and
I don’t have an orgasm every time. He blames me and calls me fidget; I blame him and tell him his a incompetent lover. We hurt each other a lot this way.”
K:
Yeah a lot people hurt each other a lot sexually, and there’s a lot of pressure on
people to a have fabulous orgasms, fabulous orgasmic sex every time. This most likely come from as Diane suggested earlier, from the media, books, magazines, TV and movies where it appears that everyone is having a perfect orgasm every time they make love.
When you watch a movie it’s simultaneous orgasm every time, in some magazine articles and books that I've read, the woman has her first orgasm when she takes her pants off, second when he touches her breast, third when he enters and another three or four after that.
Well, the man feels he has to be able to do that for his woman if he is to be a real man. He has to be able to produce, she feels she has to deliver if she’s a real woman to keep him attracted to her, and this obviously results in a lot of fear, a lot of frustration for people.
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Often the man then blames her, and what he’ll often do then is look around for other women all the time, and hope he’ll find one like that one in the movies. But from our surveys we carried out over the years, there isn’t anyone having perfect sex every time, everyone is experiencing a range, if anyone tells you that they have never had mediocre sex then they know something I don’t know.
If you’re trying every time you make love to have the perfect orgasm you are going to be frustrated. In fact you are going to be way worse off than if you just relax and enjoy it, let every experience be what it is, enjoying the journey.
This doesn’t mean that you don’t have any vision of what is possible for the both of you, but enjoying the journey is very, very important, and when you do have mediocre sex don’t lye there blaming yourself or your partner, or in your own thoughts, because as you know this effects her.
Your thoughts about her affect her; her thoughts about you are affecting you. Just laugh at it, I mean say to your self “that’s just disastrous sex out of the way, I wounder what’s going to happen tomorrow night” its part of the range in sexual experiences we have.
It’s normal to have mediocre sex, disastrous sex, good sex, mind blowing sex cosmic sex. Like in life its normal to have sickness, health, its normal to have happiness to have sadness, day / night, winter, summer, that’s how life is, that’s how sex is. You can’t be upset all the time because it’s not summer, it’s just as silly to be upset all the time because you didn’t have this fabulous orgasm.
There are many other things you can do with your sexual energy besides racing towards the goal of orgasm. Have you ever tried using it for healing, empowering your goals or bonding with your partner instead of destroying each other with your thoughts?
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We do a lot of this type of work in our weekend workshops, sexual energy is life force, and it can be used for many wondrous things in our life, not to damage each other and hurt each other as we often do. Thank you. ………………………………………………………………………………………………
K: Here is another letter by another guy, “I’m always afraid of losing my erection and then not being able satisfy my partner” Diane would you make some comments on this one please.
D:
Yes, again this is a common fear, sometimes it’s just a fear, you get a thought and
you all know how to treat your negative thoughts. Or other times it is again based on past experience, again we can look at some different suggestions for this.
Firstly to look at the parameter of what good sex means to you, I feel we have been far to narrow for to long. Sex has become technical and formulised, equating to the erection and some quick foreplay and penetration followed by orgasm. Well, sex in the 21st century is going to be a lot wider than this to encompass many more acts of love, so that the pace is slower easier and energy is more harmonious between the male ad female. I think the emphasis can shift to bring together sexuality with hugging, with just stroking, being with each other, touching, smelling, breathing together or just lying together, perhaps even with the head of the lingam (penis) just touching the lips of the yoni (vagina) and just lying and being with each other and not even moving out of that position for 30minutes. Try that.
When our expectation of what good sex is, is widened to encompass these acts of sexual love, then enjoyment will be even more satisfying. I think discussion and communication between you must be very open and frank, because sometimes we women must allow her man the freedom to make love to her this way without the pressure of him having an erect lingam.
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………………………………………………………………………………………………
D: The next letter reads, “My wife is always complaining about her breasts, she thinks there too small, I just don’t know what to do about it”
K: I’d like to comment on that Diane. One of the basic needs for a woman is to know she is attractive to you, they especially need confirmation about the attractiveness of their body. Woman are very concerned about their bodies, it’s a very rare woman who is totally satisfied with her body. Woman say “My breast are to big” “My breasts are too small”, other women say “My thighs are too big” “My legs are too skinny” “I have too much pubic hair” “I don’t have enough pubic hair” “My bums too big” “My bums to small” “My nipples they look funny, their turned in, their inverted” “their dark” “their not dark enough.” Even the most gorgeous women are concerned about the size and shape of their bodies, thinking that their not perfect.
It is important for men to appreciate this, focus on what you like about your woman’s body and tell her constantly, yes I mean constantly she will never get tired of affirmation about her attractiveness.
If its her breast size as it is in this letter, then take her focus off their size, tell her you “love their feel, their sensitivity turns you on, they feel so good in your hand, the texture, colour, the shape, its so attractive to you, they are just so soft and smooth, I really love your breasts.”
For the women reading this it’s important to realise that if you don’t like your breast then you can not expect your man to love them either. Heres the key right here, it’s very important. You can only expect as much love from someone as you have for yourself. Its your responsibility to learn to love your body find what you do like about it. If it’s your breast size that concerns you then do exercise to make them more sensitive,
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focus on that, focus on their sensitivity, there are exercise you can do to improve their sensitivity, start to love that aspect of them, do visualisations and affirmations about their sensitivity start to love that aspect of your breasts.
If you think your leges are too fat take some action on that to reduce their size, I mean diet and correct thigh exercises do wonders. Or shift your focus on what you do like about your legs. Are your knees sensitive, what do you like about your ankles, how do they feel when their stroked. Recognise what’s going on for you, don’t ignore it say “I don’t like size of my legs, but what I do like is the sensitivity of my knees and the shape of my ankles” and when you love that aspect of yourself I guarantee your guy will be attracted to that aspect also.
Women like constant affirmation about their bodies, its not so important for guys, guys are concerned about their bodies but really with guys it’s the size of the cock that counts, its important for a man to realise his virile.
One of my friends John Kehoe once said, “guy’s can have a big pot belly, but as long as their cock hangs to the knees its ok.” Guys mostly function from production and performance rather than attraction; they have the size of their cock tied with performance and power.
A lot of letters on men’s difficulties are related to performance, men really like to give their woman a good time in bed and get them to orgasm. So if your man doesn’t bring you to orgasm realise it’s not the orgasm that his really concerned about, its his performance that his concerned about, men like to feel virile.
It’s important for a woman to understand this to build up the man’s production, affirm all the things he produces for you in your life. If you don’t and you say that’s stupid, you may just lose your man. Do you want to hold your man or not? He will look for another woman that he can win with, his performance is just as important to him as your attractiveness and emotional needs are to you.
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So in summary it is important for men to constantly affirm your woman’s attractiveness, weather is makes sense to you or not. For women affirm your man’s production, his performance weather is makes sense to you or not.
It is part of what Diane and I call ‘winning at the man/ woman game,’ and this is a whole workshop on its self, which we cover on weekend workshops. Thank you.
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D: I have the last letter here, which says; “We enjoy sex, but there seems to be something missing, he seems to go off into his space and I go off into mine. Sometimes it just feels like mutual masturbation.”
Again this is a comment we hear from time to time which I think is quite a general one, that people while they are making love aren’t really making love to each other. They’re there checking the shopping list, worrying about the car payment and just not being with each other.
It is a common problem, I am going to suggest that you do listen to tape four which is a practical way of the art of soft sex, of keeping your mind focused of being with the now, of being in the moment while enjoying the pleasures that soft sex can bring you.
Just laying next to each other, slowing down your thinking, coordinating your breathing and just being with each others presence, then start to make love to each other with love, with awareness and with care. When this happens there is a nurturing on so many other levels as well, so its just not the physical act, its just not we are making love to what could be a stranger instead of your partner. There is more communication happening because the whole body and the aura is filled up with gladness, is filled up
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with joy and aliveness and attention from the partner so you feel as though you are really communicating on another space. That’s just not a physical space but approaching what Kerry and I consider a much more spiritual space, a connectedness starts to happing here where you are feeling connected with your partner on this bonding spiritual level.
This is why we enjoy practicing the art of soft sex and I hope you enjoy it to and a have a lot of fun with it.
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Bonus FOUR “TANTRIC LOVEMAKING AND INTIMACY”
An article by Kerry and Diane Riley
Tantric Lovemaking & Intimacy Tantra is a spiritual science from ancient India and in its basic essence, very similar to Taoism from China. Both involve balancing the male and female energies to create harmony and have an ultimate goal of unity or spiritual ecstasy, known as enlightenment. Tantra encourages one to explore every aspect of life. So obviously the study of sexuality was included, not only included but in fact revered. Making love was seen as a gift to God. So there was no repression or guilt attached to sex. It taught that when a man approaches his beloved he should have a sacred feeling as if he were going into a temple. The art of sexual love was the noblest of arts to study. As a young person in ancient India you could go to the sacred temples and be taught lovemaking secrets by Darkas and Darkinis, the priests and priestesses of love. The study of sexuality in the west is very new, whereas relics of Tantric rituals date back nearly five thousand years. So there is an incredible wealth of knowledge we can draw on and use in our own lovemaking. Tantric lovemaking can add to the ways you make love in 3 major areas: Firstly: It gives you ways to reach heightened states of ecstasy and pleasure beyond the realms of normal sex; Secondly: It teaches you ways to open to more love so that your heart opens even more to your partner and you remember how great it feels to be deeply, passionately "in love." Thirdly it teaches Sacred Sex- ways to transform your lovemaking into a sacred experience which will touch you on every level of your being, body, heart and soul A male can increase and expand the amount of ecstasy he can have and at the same time increase the length of time he is able to make love so that his partner has a chance of reaching higher states. Ejaculation control is an essential skill to master so that during lovemaking, instead of ejaculating at the first peak of energy which a lot of men do, they can learn instead to peak with that energy and use techniques to spread that energy throughout the entire body. Then as the urgency for ejaculation subsides, continue to make love again until reaching another peak - much higher than the first peak and then he can use techniques to peak and spread the energy again. As he Continues to do this, reaching higher and higher peaks of ecstasy and at the same time his beloved is feeling that energy and is being warmed up to higher orgasmic states. In Taoist sexuality writings they say, the woman is like water and the man is like fire. What normally happens is the water puts out the fire too quickly, the man is left exhausted and the woman is frustrated. They say there are in fact nine levels of a woman's orgasm, nine levels that she goes through before she's fully nourished sexually before her Shakti, her sexual spiritual energy is fully awakened. Most women have their first orgasm at level four, the man ejaculates and the other five levels are
rarely reached. We as conscious men, as extraordinary lovers need to be able to make love as long as necessary to satisfy our woman and at the same time reach higher orgasmic states ourselves. There are two exercises, two techniques that will help with ejaculation control. One is P.C. Muscle exercises and the other is the breath. These exercises are also beneficial for women to extend their orgasmic response, taking more pleasure for herself and to give more pleasure to her partner. The P.C. muscle is the major muscle of contraction in both sexes for orgasm, so strengthening it increases sensations of pleasure. The P.C. muscle extends from the base of the spine where it is connected to the coccyx, to the front of the body where it is connected to the pubic bone. A good way to locate the P.C. or love muscle for yourself is that next time you are urinating try to stop the flow of urination in mid stream. This will give you the feeling of activating the muscle. then later on in your own private space practice tensing and releasing the muscle several times so that you get the sense of how to do it you can know. It is a good idea to incorporate these P.C. Muscle exercises into your daily routine, associating them with some particular activity you do independent of your lovemaking sessions. Then these exercises will become habitual and you won't have to set aside a special time to practice. For example you can practice while you drive or travel too and from work. No one will know you are doing it and it can be quite enjoyable. One of our friends in fact, Helen said she started doing this every day for a month while driving to work but unfortunately she had to stop because she said the sensations were getting so strong that she couldn't concentrate at work because she couldn't think about anything else at work other than sex and she couldn't wait to get home to her lover. And once a man has a strong P/C he can spread the sexual energy up and through his body during lovemaking so he can experience wave after wave of peak pleasure without coming so that he can make love for as long as he chooses, maybe even hours! Another secret is working with your breath. What most men do as excitement builds up is hold their breath as they get close to climax. If men are to reverse the flow of sexual energy the best way is to breathe slowly, deeply and rhythmically. For women to enhance your own ecstasy you can us the P.C. Muscle and breath exercise also. You can do this at peaks of energy to spread the orgasmic energy throughout the body. Another way you can enhance your pleasure is to mentally trace or visualise the energy running up the inside of the legs through the calf, the knees and thighs up into the vagina. This is especially good to do if the mind is wondering off onto other things while making love; it helps focus the energy. Some women need to focus it rather than to spread it and this can amplify the orgasmic response you already have and is especially good for women who find orgasm elusive. What you do is to keep squeezing the P.C. Muscles without spreading the energy. To squeeze the muscles and to feel the charge building up and keep squeezing the P.C. again. It is important to release and bear down as well; this also acts as a focus. Playing with these elements of breath, P.C. Muscle, visualisation, as well as movement and
sound you can extend your orgasmic potential to one, two, three or even more orgasms. All women are capable of extending their orgasmic potential. The woman's Shakti is unlimited. The Shakti is the sexual spiritual energy of which women are the custodians. As the Shakti awakens so does the priestess, the healer, the empowerer and the goddess of love within. A woman's sexual awakening can propel her on a spiritual path. Men may practice celibacy and achieve spiritual enlightenment, but according to the Tantric texts women's enlightenment is facilitated by the electric charge of her orgasmic nature. The next important element is the heart. A lot of people have coined the term, ‘Making love’ whenever they have sex but to me making love is a higher vibration a unique blending of your sexual passion, the heat of your genitals with the deep love and intimacy you feel in your heart. Men who are able to feel their love and share their deep feelings will never have any shortage of women in their lives. The challenge becomes how much love and deep intimacy both partners can bring into lovemaking and a great secret for you to know is the way to a woman’s sexuality opening up, the way to her shakti, her sacred place is through the heart. So how can we bring more intimacy into our lovemaking, more heart connection? Well one way to create more intimacy is through eye contact, we often shut our eyes while making love and go into our own space which can be really nice of course, but to be more intimate look at your beloved a lot more while making love. Your eyes are the window to the soul, look into each other’s eyes and tell each other how much you love each other, how much you enjoy being with them, how precious they are to you and that’s the second thing you can do to create more intimacy. Talk to your beloved while making love. Tell them what your thoughts are: “I love you. Your fragrance is like jasmine/musk, you make me feel so good.” This is very powerful to create more intimacy. Another thing you can incorporate into your lovemaking for more intimacy is romance. Romance is an important ingredient to encourage intimacy, an atmosphere of romance is always conducive to higher lovemaking experiences and women dearly love it. So in creating the atmosphere see yourself as a great lover and let your creative self step out of the ordinary and create something out of the ordinary and create something magical, something extraordinary. You can include things like creating a special time where everything else is left looked after, a special time where you won’t be interrupted and a special space for making love. Maybe not even in the bedroom, maybe going to a different place altogether but make it very special. Prepare the room and prepare each other, bathe together, towel each other down. Use things like massage, candle light, incense, special treats to eat and drink, romance is foreplay to a woman and brings a male in touch with his softer side. So as a man if you want more lovemaking you then learn to be more intimate because the way to a woman’s sacred place, the way to her yoni is through the heart – through intimacy. Intimacy means In-To-Me-See. Allow yourself to be seen, create more intimacy, and allow your inner feelings to be expressed.
Women can interpret any lack of intimacy as coldness and the colder she feels you are in the heart, the colder she becomes in the yoni. So what happens is she doesn’t want to make love she shuts down her sexuality and that’s usually because she’s not getting enough attention, enough intimacy through the day or through the relationship and because she shuts down her yoni he starts to close down his heart. He shuts down intimacy. She then further shuts down yoni and it goes on and if it continues long enough then a couple caught in this cycle may be headed for separation. Once you’re aware of the fact that she is coming from the heart and what she wants is intimacy, romance, and she becomes aware that as she keeps shutting down sex she’s never going to get his intimacy, he can do something about it. Being in touch with your heart and how much love you can feel is a wonderful aspect of Tantric lovemaking secrets. Next time you’re making love stop in the middle of your lovemaking, stop the movement and just ask yourself how much love are you feeling right now and open up your heart and try to feel more of the intimacy, more of the love that the two of you are generating between you. The third aspect of Tantric lovemaking is Sacred Sex. Tantric lovemaking can be a spiritual practice. In ancient India lovemaking was seen as a way to god. When I tell some people that we use lovemaking in our relationship as part of your spiritual practice they are often shocked. So I ask them what their practices are and they often say either meditation or prayer. Well both meditation and prayer can be brought into your lovemaking and it’s much more fun that way. If you love sex and you like mediation or you would like to incorporate meditation into your life then you will love this practice. One practice of tantric lovemaking as a mediation I to sit opposite your partner, close your eyes, and imagine energy moving up your spine on the inhalation with the squeezing of the P.C muscle, and down the spine with the exhalation and releasing of the P.C. Continue this practice for several minutes and then open your eyes, co-ordinate your breathing with your partner. Then start to exchange energy. As you release the energy down your spine imagine it passing through your genitals to your beloved’s sacred parts, then moving up to their heart centre in the middle of their chest. On the inhalation contract the P.C muscle and imagine the energy that is now mixed with your partners coming back to you through the same way. Practice this also while making love or kissing. After 5 or 10 minutes of doing this practice called ‘Red Tantra’ you often get a sense of merging into your partner, a sense of expanding consciousness, of melting into the cosmos. Eastern religions would call this a state of samadi or bliss. You may have had experiences like this during lovemaking but didn’t know how it happened or how to experience it again. Through the practices of ‘Rec Tantra’ you can reach this state at will.
These are only a few techniques of tantric lovemaking, there are over 2,000 years of Tantric lovemaking secrets and practices that you can explore to expand the already wonderful ways you make love. Practicing Tantra as a couple can be a journey into love to explore together brining more love, joy and passion to a relationship. Using Tantra as a meditation focuses the mind on the present moment connecting the spirit with the cosmos and the eternal now. Kerry and Diane Riley have been teaching Tantra and relationship seminars over the last 15 years in Australia and Internationally. Their work is practical for modern lovers and was featured in the video “The Secrets of Sacred Sex.” They have a series of Mp3s and a Home tantra course. Diane also conducts special woman to woman workshops on shakti, and Kerry runs private consolations for men.
Bonus FIVE “Secrets for a healthy relationship!”
Secrets for a Healthy Relationship An article on love, sex and relationships, workshop facilitators KERRY & DIANE Riley expose old myths in regard to relationships, and share ways in which to create harmony through a unique Bonding Process they have developed.
Close Loving relationships provide the potential for the highest lovemaking. It is worth working on your relationship if you want to open up to more possibilities in the area of your lovemaking, because as your relationship grows deeper and sex get better. There is nothing better than having a fabulous sexual experience with the person whom you love the most in life. Sex can be fabulous out-of-relationship, but it can be even more fabulous with a person who deeply loves and trusts you because then you have the intimacy as well as the sexual passion. It is important to point out that relationships in their current form in our society are not working. Statistics show that in Western societies more than fifty percent of married couples get divorced. Once we fall in love, we get married and take a vow to honour and love each other forever, in sickness and in health. Even though we may truly hope for this at a time, the evidence is that fairytale marriages are rare. Yet deep down many people still expect this to happen for them, and when it doesn’t, they get deeply hurt. If, on the other hand, we had been conditioned to accept and honour “serial monogamy” as the norm, then we wouldn’t put such pressure on ourselves or our partner to be happily married and in love for a lifetime. In Challenge of the Heart, by John Welwood, it is pointed out that “ no earlier society has ever tried, much less succeeded at, joining together romantic love, sex , and marriage in a single institution”. In traditional societies it was normal for marriages to be arranged by the families. Happiness was not the goal of marriage, which was more to do with family lineage and property. Feelings of love were never considered a season a reason for marriage. Marriage for love was not attempted until the 19th century. However, it was regarded as degrading for women in Victorian times to have sexual feelings, so men often had sex with prostitutes. It’s important to understand the impact of this, to understand that you are a pioneer, one of the first of mankind throughout history to even attempt to combine love, sex and marriage. No wonder you have difficulties. It’s not simply to do with you and your partner’s inadequacies. It’s a hug challenge and there is very little education on how to combine all this for a lifetime together. The emphasis on individualism in our society, on “doing your own thing”’ can work against marriage. Many couples who have gone off on their own personal growth paths separately from each other often find it difficult to integrate that individual growth in a supportive way in their marriage. I’m not suggesting that personal growth work should
not be done. It is most important, but if you have done a lot of that, it’s time to create a balance between your individual needs and the needs of your relationships as a whole. Go to groups that support your loving relationship. I believe people are genuinely wanting to end the battle of the sexes and enter into a joint journey of personal growth and sexual, emotional and spiritual fulfilment. We are entering what you could call the “We Generation”, as opposed to the preceding “Me Generation”, and this is happening on a global level. We need all the education we can get to make our relationship work, so I hope you will try some of the secrets I share with you.
Give your relationship high priority Diane my wife and I have decided to maintain sexual passion and a loving bond throughout our lives together, se we put a lot of time, energy and care into our relationship. We treat it as a very special entity. It is more important than each of our lives. It takes something we work on as team-mates, continually creating more and more love in our lives. It takes something more powerful than hoping, wishing or desiring, it takes a lifetime commitment. In the initial stages of most relationships when men and women meet and fall in love, there is lots of love and energy and intimacy, lots of lovemaking and lots of passion. Then, after a period of time, many couples lose it. The Hite Report states that85 per cent of women say that after two years of being in a relationship or marriage they love their husbands but are no longer “ In love” with them. Some couples will say to Diane and me: “we still have sex, our passion comes occasionally, but it seems to have lost its sizzle, it’s lost its juice. The intimacy and the opening that we used to feel in our hearts when we first met isn’t really there anymore…” There is a school of though that believes: “Well that’s natural, that’s what happens”. Diane and I believe it is natural and it is what happens – unless couples consciously choose to continue to create love and passion in their relationships. This is possible, but it requires a decision that this is something that you dearly want in your lives, something that you treasure, something that you believe will give you more from life than anything else. Above everything else, we all want love. We can go through life and gain a lot of things materially and socially, but if we miss out on love then we will have missed the most important thing in life. The woman with whom you have chosen to live your life – your beloved – is the one you have allowed to get closest to you, and through her you have the potential to feel even more love in this lifetime. A lot of couples make a common error. They put more energy into their career, their family, their sport and their interests than into their relationship. They expect their relationship will progress satisfactorily while they get on with their so-called much more important things. They do not realise that by
supporting and nurturing their primary relationship, they will be able enhance and give more energy and creativity to all these other pursuits and relationships. In other words, make an agreement to treat your relationship a high priority and put in the energy necessary to support that decision.
Creating harmony when you don’t see eye to eye The truth is that no matter how much we want our relationship to run smoothly, disharmony still occurs. We get out of sync with our partner. We have disagreements, we argue and sometimes we get angry and hurt and say things to our partner that we wouldn’t say to our worst enemy. What can we do about disharmony? First we need to have the right attitude. If we have the attitude that conflict should not occur, then we are always going to be under stress. Conflict is a part of growth and does occur in a healthy relationship. Very often the closer we get to our beloved, the more conflicts arise, se we need to develop the attitude, as we confront uncomfortable situations together, that although it can be painful, it is an opportunity to grow closer together. Many people have the attitude that a good relationship must always be smooth and controlled, so they are unhappy and disappointed with their marriage when it doesn’t happen like that. They spend a lot of energy covering up the disharmony from others and they cover it up from each other until it gets out of control, and then the whole relationship explodes. So the first thing to have in your relationship is the understanding that disharmony is part of a healthy relationship, that it’s natural. Loving couples strive for the joy of becoming closer and closer together. They want union, but along with union comes dependence which can make a man feel that he is allowing a woman to hold power over him. Men don’t want to have to depend on women; to some men this is dependence threatens their sense of masculinity and they resent it. Many women also resent feeling dependent on men and this creates an ongoing struggle for power and independence. That is why lovers will always go on fighting. The fight is simply a way to show each other they are still independent.
It is important not to blame each other because this is something that happens between male and female energies. Don’t take it personally and don’t hurt the other for doing what is part of the man-woman relationship game. If we are to move forward in our relationship, we must learn to let go and not carry bad energy around with us for hours or sometimes days. Some of us hang onto our disagreements for weeks. We must learn to let them go, but how do we do this?
Shutting off and walking out of the room is basically heading for a hug fight. You must discuss the issue. If at some point you do head out of the room, make sure you come back and be open to talk. However, discussing it while you are in a high state of resentment can be difficult and could perhaps lead to more disharmonies. What should you do in these situations? The first step is to let go of having to be right and having to prove her wrong, and go into the bonding process.
The Bonding Process Diane and I use a practice in our marriage called the Bonding Process. Many teachers of sexual loving teach similar exercises. It includes stopping the talking when you realise it’s not going anywhere and agreeing to physically connect your bodies. It is important that you and your partner have agreed to do this in times of conflict. This process will help to keep sexual passion and loving bond alive in your relationship. You should make a prior agreement to partake in the process always. So when one asks the other, even though you may not want to, you will agree to say “yes”. It is not based on whether you want to, it is based on a decision you have made in your relationship which you have both agreed to honour no matter what – “to keep sexual passion and loving bond between you alive.” Never refuse to honour this agreement because if you do you threaten the issue of trust in your relationship. Your partner has trusted you enough to drop the argument and ask for harmony. This I affirming that your relationship is more important than ego, more important than being right in this particular issue. Suppose it is you who lets go first. You could say. “This is not getting us anywhere. I want to be in harmony with you. I want to do the Bonding Process. We can discuss this later when we are not so upset. Let’s put our bodies together.” The steps in the Bonding Process are as follows: Step 1: Take up the nurturing position. You (the requesting partner in this case) lie on your back while your partner lies besides you and rests her head on your chest. Place your right arm around her in a nurturing manner. She places her right hand on your heart chakra and you put your left hand on top of hers. Bend your right knee and place it between her legs, touching her sexual centre. Her right leg is bent over yours so her knee touches your genital area. This connects your heart centre. Where you can open to give and receive love again, with your sexual centre, which, for a man, tends to open you more to wanting intimacy again. For her, being held in the nurturing position tends to open her heart centre again and by touching her sexual centre with your leg, reverses her normal reactive behaviour to close down sex to you in time of conflict.
Step 2: Use the breath to let go of any tension. If you are very upset you will find that you will be tensing your body and holding your breath or you will feel your partner doing this. Breathe in with a long, deep breath through the nose and then sigh as you breathe out through the mouth –ahh! Repeat this at least 10 times, co-ordinating your breaths if you can; otherwise make sure you are both doing the deep breathing. Never allow just one of you to be doing it; both must participate. As you breathe out let go of any anger, resentments or the need to be right. Release all tension in the body, especially in the jaw, neck and shoulders. As you continue with the breathing, allow your mind to quieten, allow the inner chatter about the argument to be dismissed. Take your awareness instead to the contact points between your physical bodies, especially your heart being open – feeling love, compassion, caring and forgiveness. Feel the warmth of your partner’s hand on your heart centre. Now focus on nurturing your partner like a child who has been hurt. Focus on that part of her that you really love beyond the part that has upset you. Partner B ( your lover in this case), focus on being nurtured and cared for and then shifts her attention to her hand on your heart, healing it and opening you more to love again. If it feels appropriate she can gently move her hand from your heart centre to your sexual centre, gently cupping this area for a few minutes, while you keep your hand on your heart centre. This allows harmony between the emotions and physical sexuality to develop once more. You now exchange roles with your partner, gently repositioning before beginning. You need to spend al least five minutes in each role for it to be effective. Step 3: Both turn and face each other and hold each other naturally without your ands holding the heart or sexual chakras. Continue to breathe and let go, but do not say anything. Gaze gently into each other’s eyes with love and compassion while tuning into your own “higher self”, where having to be right or having to win the argument is not important. What is important is to keep eye contact and be soft, vulnerable and see the part of your beloved that wants to be loved and wants to love. Act as healers for each other, showing compassion, care and concern for your relationship. Keep breathing gently and after a minute or so and when appropriate, one says “I’m sorry (we were fighting). I love you”. The other listens, breaths in and internally accepts this. Then she says “I’m sorry too and I love you.” Finish with a hug or a kiss. It is most important not to say anything like” I forgive you, but next time..” This would blow the whole process. You may as well not have done it in the first place. Do not talk about the issue, just hug and kiss and suggest a cup of tea or a walk. Maybe several hours later or the next day you can return and deal with the issue. Dealing with it immediately after the Bonding Process is dangerous because you are very open and sensitive when you have trusted enough to say “sorry”.
After you have completed this process, you may not even need to discuss the issue again because you will find that the re-established harmony and balance may well provide a new viewpoint or attitude. If you do discuss it, you may come up with other solutions to the problem which you may not have reached while in a reactive mode. In reality, neither of you are perfect. You both contributed to the disharmony in some way. By looking within and forgiving and by balancing the energies between you, very often circumstances begin to change.
The Power of Surrender What you are doing in these three steps is surrendering your ego and honouring your true feelings to keep the sexual passion and loving bond between you alive. Surrender is not compromise. Surrender is letting go totally and giving over to a truth higher than yourself. In this case, the bonding of your relationship becomes the highest truth, not you winning the argument or allowing your beloved wants and needs to be more important than your own. It is important to honour your truth, your needs and wants. Surrendering is a powerful thing to do. Once the energy is balanced it is more likely that a solution will be found to whatever caused the disharmony in the first place.
