Stuff Every Geek Should Know

STUFF EVERY GEEK SHOULD KNOW

CURATED BY QUIRK BOOKS

This sampler book © 2014 by Quirk Productions, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher. e-ISBN: 978-1-59474-786-1 Geek Wisdom: The Sacred Teachings of Nerd Culture copyright © 2011 by Quirk Productions, Inc. The Geek’s Guide to Dating copyright © 2013 by Quirk Productions, Inc. The Action Hero’s Handbook copyright © 2002 by Quirk Productions, Inc. The Action Heroine’s Handbook copyright © 2003 by Quirk Productions, Inc. The Sherlock Holmes Handbook: The Methods and Mysteries of the World’s Greatest Detective copyright © 2009 by Quirk Productions, Inc. How to Survive a Horror Movie copyright © 2007 by Quirk Productions, Inc. Sci-Fi Baby Names: 500 Out-of-This-World Baby Names from Anakin to Zardoz copyright © 2007 by Robert Schnakenberg William Shakespeare’s Star Wars copyright © 2013 Lucasfilm Ltd. & TM. Quirk Books
 215 Church Street Philadelphia, PA 19106 quirkbooks.com

CONTENTS 04 05

GREETINGS! What Kind of Geek Are You, Anyway?

10

PART 1: GEEK SKILLS FROM POP CULTURE

11 13 15 17 19 21 24 27

How to Perform the Jedi Mind Trick How to Perform the Vulcan Nerve Pinch How to Knock Out an Opponent with a Running Wall Kick How to Stage a Dramatic Entrance How to Decode Ciphers How to Survive a Global Alien Attack How to Survive a Haunted House How to Kill the Living Dead

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PART 2: GEEKS IN ACTION

30 32 34 36 39 41

How to Make an Amazing YouTube Video How to Create a YouTube Channel How to Create Your First Comic Book How to Shoot a Superior Selfie Tips for Crafting Quality Fan Fiction How to Handle Yourself in an Online Multiplayer Game

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PART 3: THE GEEK GATHERING

44 47 49 51 53

How to Pick the Right Convention for You A Guide to Con Lingo How to Make the Most of Your Convention Experience How to Create (Cheap) DIY Steampunk Cosplay Goggles How to Meet a Con Celebrity

55

PART 4: GEEK LOVE

56 60 63 65 67

How to Hack Your Online Dating Profile The Best Geek Marriage Proposals (and Wedding Tips!) How to Choose a Name for Your Geek Offspring How to Share Your Geeky Passions with Your Kids Geek Dating Tips from Kaia, Age 7

69

Epilogue: Required Reading

GREETINGS!

“There’s no point in being grown up if you can’t be childish sometimes.” —The Fourth Doctor, Doctor Who

Read about this quote in Geek Wisdom: The Sacred Teachings of Nerd Culture edited by Stephen H. Segal

Greetings, well met, hail, nuqneH, and hello, world. Like you, reader, we at Quirk Books are bona fide geeks. Our common characteristic: curiosity, whether about flux capacitors, Unix systems, magic missiles, one ring to rule them all, ships, cons, or braaaaains. We know it’s a magical world out there, but it’s dangerous to go it alone! So take this e-book on your travels. It’s packed with excerpts from Quirk’s geekiest titles, plus exclusive new content from our favorite expert bloggers. We think you’ll find that it’s in-depth, indispensable, and way bigger on the inside. As another famous guide to life would have you remember: don’t panic. Read Stuff Every Geek Should Know instead.

WHAT KIND OF GEEK ARE YOU, ANYWAY? From The Geek’s Guide to Dating by Eric Smith

What was once a derogatory term for a socially inept person has been taken back by a community proud to wear the title. A community made up of people just like you and me. We’re eccentric, enthusiastic, intelligent, and, occasionally, kinda awkward. But when you get past the labels, a geek is first and foremost fiercely passionate about something specific. Whether it’s comic books, video games, movies, or the latest gadgets, a proper geek is consumed with a passion. Read on to determine which type you are (and see page 10 for more on special abilities).

ARE YOU A POP CULTURE GEEK? The great thing about pop culture is that it makes geeks out of everyone. And why not? There’s a lot to love (and ship, and fanboy over) in the world of comics, movies, and TV. Several kinds of geeks fall into this category, each with their own unique passions.

THE COMIC BOOK FAN Strengths: You have a strong imagination (kind of a requirement when your favorite characters die, come back to life, travel to alternate dimensions, become zombies, etc.). You’re patient (waiting for the next issue ain’t easy) and loyal, a champion of the characters and series that you’ve been following since comics cost less than three bucks. Weaknesses: You can be overprotective (sure, Action Comics #1 belongs in a glass case, but most things—and people—will be just fine if they are not quite in mint condition). Sometimes you’re too defensive (this comes from having to stick up for that one obscure character that you love but all your friends hate). And, let’s admit it, you do tend to be overcritical (in comics, writers and artists change projects at the drop of a hat, so there’s always someone who “did it better”). Special abilities: Curator +3, Minutia recall +2, Money

WHAT KIND OF GEEK ARE YOU, ANYWAY? CONT’D.

master +3

THE TV AND FILM GEEK Strengths: If you’re this kind of geek, you’re likely a romantic. Special effects and lens flares are great, but ultimately it’s the relationship arcs of the characters that draw you in. You also have a great memory. You remember the important things: the first date, the first kiss, the first song that Fry learned how to play on the holophoner in that episode of Futurama (like I said, the important things!). Apply this to your anniversary, your girlfriend’s birthday, and the names of all of her friends, and you’re sitting pretty. Weaknesses: Despite all the CGI, film and video are inherently more real-seeming than other types of media. So remind yourself that real life rarely involves structured story arcs, supporting characters who lack motivations of their own, and a tidy resolution in ninety minutes or less. Special abilities: Sense of adventure +2, Empathic sensor +3, Minutia recall +2

THE GAMER Strengths: Like comic book fans, you gamers are dedicated and loyal, but you’re also seekers of novelty (even MMOs like World of Warcraft get stale without patches and expansion packs). You’re constantly questing and leveling up, meaning you have a competitive instinct suited to the thrill of the chase in the dating world. Weaknesses: A tendency to, well, gameify everything around you. In real life, as in other things, everything’s made up and the points don’t matter. Other people aren’t damsels in distress or NPCs, they’re coplayers: it’s them and you against the world, if you can just find a way to be on the same team. Special abilities: Empathic sensor +1, Sense of adventure +3, Solutionizer +2

ARE YOU A TECHNOGEEK? Geeks and technology go hand in hand (or hand in . . . mouse?). In any case, even within the geek community there are those whose facility with the technological makes them practically wizards. After all, we all know what Arthur C. Clarke said about technology and magic.

THE INTERNET GEEK

6

Strengths: Memes. YouTube videos. Animated gifs. Social media. Blogs. You know how to use the ’net to find out cool new things—which gives you the upper hand with everything from planning first dates to keeping a relationship fresh. You like to keep up with what’s going on in the world around you, so you’ll likely have plenty to talk about.

WHAT KIND OF GEEK ARE YOU, ANYWAY? CONT’D.

Weaknesses: There’s a point at which digitizing your life can interfere with experiencing your life. So be willing to dial back on the blogging and downloading and feed reading so you can enjoy real life in real time with a real person. Special abilities: Minutia recall +3, Tech know-it-all +2, Wide open mind, +1

THE APPLE GEEK Strengths: The typical Apple geek isn’t afraid to spend a lot of money on the latest, greatest iteration of some handheld gewgaw he already owns. Translation: you’re not afraid to sink a lot of time/money into something (or someone!) if you truly feel they are the best. Weaknesses: Sometimes a rush to own v11.0 makes you forget how much you love v10.7.5. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side of the fence, so appreciate what you have before deciding to chuck everything and go after what seems better—whether it’s a nicer phone or a new girlfriend. Also, nobody likes a snob. Special abilities: Tech know-it-all +1, Money master +1, Curator +2

THE PC GEEK Strengths: While Apple geeks might spend loads of loot on the latest shiny product, a PC geek is the sort to just build it himself piece by piece. As a PC geek, you’re patient. You like knowing how things work, and you play close attention to detail. Weaknesses: It’s great to be a problem solver, but be careful not to be too reductive about it. Remember that, technically speaking, people are not machines. Not everything that people say and do makes logical sense, and not every human problem has a logical solution. Special abilities: Tech know-it-all +3, Solutionizer +2, Money master +1

THE SOCIAL MEDIA GEEK Strengths: Social media geeks value keeping in touch with a wide circle of people, which is a double-edged vorpal sword of sorts. On the plus side, this makes you more comfortable and skilled than most geeks at communicating your thoughts, ideas, and opinions to others. On the other hand . . . Weaknesses: . . . if you’re not careful, you’ll cut yourself off from people who want to spend time with you. Like the general Internet geek, you may have trouble unplugging for undistracted face-to-face time (as opposed to FaceTime). Special abilities: Communications officer +3, Tech know-it-all +1, Wide-open mind +2

7

WHAT KIND OF GEEK ARE YOU, ANYWAY? CONT’D.

ARE YOU AN ACADEMIC GEEK? If you’re an Academic Geek, you probably don’t collect as much as the Comic Book Geek, Apple Geek, or any of the pop culture geeks. The real basis of your collection is in the mind.

THE BOOK GEEK Strengths: You love to read—obviously. Besides being well read, as a book geek you are likely a great conversationalist, creative, and good with words. Weaknesses: If you’re a bibliophile, your eyes will immediately dart to the bookcase when you walk into someone’s home for the first time. You know you’re not supposed to judge a book by its cover (as it were), but you can’t help it. You’re only human (unlike the protagonists of the Twilight box set you’re casting your judgey glance on). Instead of treating someone’s taste in reading matter (or lack thereof) as a red flag, use it as a jumping-off point to ask questions. Hey, maybe there’s some redeeming value to the Twilight series that you’ve overlooked. (Spoiler: there’s not.) Special abilities: Curator +1, Empathic sensor +2, Wide-open mind +3

THE HISTORY & POLITICS GEEK Strengths: Geeks who enjoy politics tend to be well informed and opinionated. You aren’t afraid of a good, friendly argument, either. And, most admirably, whatever your party affiliation may be, you care about what’s going on in your country and your world, and you aren’t afraid to search for solutions. Weaknesses: Even though you’re smart enough to avoid today’s hot-button issues in small talk, take care not to go too far to the obscure side. Adam Smith’s theories of political economy might be a lot safer than Glenn Beck’s, but they’re also a lot more boring. Special abilities: Communications officer +1, Deep thinker +1, Minutia recall +2

THE MATH & SCIENCE GEEK Strengths: If you’re into equations and concoctions, you really do understand the world around you. You’re well focused, curious, skeptical, and devoted to the scientific method. Good news: experimentation works in the social world, too! Conduct experiments. (Hypothesis: Someone who laughs a periodic table joke is awesome. Results: Affirmative!) Weaknesses: Just keep in mind that the heart is more than an organ that provides blood circulation through the cardiac cycle. No equation can calculate human feeling (feel free to borrow that line for a Valentine’s card), so you’ll have to get out of the lab and into the field to socialize. 8

Special abilities: Deep thinker +3, Solutionizer +1, Wide-open mind +2

GEEK SPECIAL ABILITIES LIST As a geek, you possess plenty of admirable qualities that are sorely lacking in most normals. To help you identify your special abilities, here’s an inventory list of the gifts and capabilities commonly found in the geek gene pool.

Communications officer: Geeks with this talent know how to share ideas and maintain social connections through multiple channels: via text, Skype, IM, blogging, social media, online communities, and (someday soon, we expect) subspace carrier wave.

Curator: If you have this ability, you’re able to sift through the dross and spot the best. Whether it’s a flood of titles on new book Wednesday or a sea of websites all purporting to be the next BoingBoing, you zero in on the good stuff. Deep thinker: You’ve developed a capacity to go beyond facts, numbers, and equations and see the implications they have for the world, the universe, reality itself. Others see the trees, a geek with this trait sees the whole forest moon of Endor.

Empathic sensor: Thanks to immersive experiences that put them inside the minds of a wide variety of characters, some geeks excel at understanding the motivations of others. What would you expect from someone who role-plays a scheming vampire one day and helps Kratos avenge his family the next?

Minutia recall: Stats, facts, rules, secret identities, scientific principles . . . every geek carries around an assortment of these in his head. Being able to retrieve them when you need ’em, though, is a skill not all geeks possess.

Money master: A geek with this talent has mastered the art of squeezing every last copper piece until it begs for mercy, all the better to keep the game shelf full and the lights still on.

Sense of adventure: That weird restaurant with the unpronounceable menu items, the new club that hosts bands nobody’s ever heard of, the aloof girl in the coffee shop who’s always scribbling in her notebook— to you, they’re mysteries to be solved.

Solutionizer: Geeks who spend lots of time pondering solutions to virtual or theoretical problems can develop a knack for MacGyvering their way out of real-world dilemmas, too.

Tech know-it-all: A certain level of comfort with technology is a geek hallmark. With this trait, however, you can move quickly to the root (or root directory) of most electronics glitches.

Wide-open mind: A geek with this trait never judges a book by its cover, whether the book is a shrink-wrapped anime DVD with a large-eyed kitten-headed ninja on the front or an alluring neighbor with a weird accent and a peculiar haircut.

PART 1

GEEK SKILLS FROM POP CULTURE

“Wonder Twin powers, activate!” —Zan and Jayna, The Superfriends

Read about this quote in Geek Wisdom: The Sacred Teachings of Nerd Culture edited by Stephen H. Segal

Gadgets, sweet rides, and cool costumes are fine, but let’s be real: your geek heroes are heroes because they do stuff. They crawl through ventilation shafts, roundhouse kick through doors, and fight to the death (or undeath, if they’re up against zombies). They take action against every sling and arrow that life throws their way—and with a little knowhow, you can too. Forget throwing stars, lightsabers, and Batmobiles. Master these mind tricks, nerve pinches, and epic martial arts moves and you’ll be unstoppable.

HOW TO PERFORM THE JEDI MIND TRICK

Obi-Wan Kenobi: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for. Stormtrooper: These aren’t the droids we’re looking for. Obi-Wan Kenobi: You can go about your business. Stormtrooper: You can go about your business. Obi-Wan Kenobi: Move along. Stormtrooper (waving him on): Move along. Move along. —Star Wars

From The Action Hero’s Handbook by David Borgenicht and Joe Borgenicht

Although Jedi Knights don’t really exist, there is a force you can tap into to help you influence the behavior of security guards, stormtroopers, bounty hunters, and fat, pig-snouted Gamorrean Guards alike. It’s called manipulation. Manipulating your foes can be a powerful tool—it can help you get past border guards, through Imperial blockades, even into bars and nightclubs. But use the trick sparingly—once your foes realize they’ve been “Jedi’d” it won’t work again. The information here comes from Spencer, “The World’s Fastest Hypnotist.”

1. Gain your subject’s trust. Listen to your subject as he speaks to you. Listen closely to what he says and how he says it. As you listen, begin to imagine what it would be like to be him in every way.

2. Make your subject feel safe. Be genuine and show an interest in him. Ask him about his life. Where he’s from. What he does. Make him feel comfortable. Help him feel that you will not harm him in any way. Smile. Exhibit an open, friendly manner. Look him in the eyes.

3. Match your subject exactly in his tone, speech patterns, and breathing. Breathe as he breathes. If he speaks loudly, you should speak loudly. If he lowers his voice, lower yours. Imitate him in subtle ways.

4. Begin to mirror your subject’s behavior. Imagine that your subject is looking in a mirror and that the mirror is you. If you are sitting together, sit in the same position he

HOW TO PERFORM THE JEDI MIND TRICK CONT’D.

is sitting in. As you converse, use the same vocabulary that he uses. But be subtle—you do not want him to notice that you are mirroring him. If he crosses his legs, cross yours. If he shakes his head as he speaks, shake your head the same way. This helps put your subject unconsciously at ease and allows you to create a silent rapport.

5. Attempt to lead your subject’s behavior. You may now be able to influence your subject’s behavior by subtly taking control. Begin to lead your subject’s movements, breathing, and vocabulary. Notice that he begins to move as you move, breathe as you breathe, and speak as you speak. Now that you and your subject are in sync, you should be able to take control. First, attempt to do so directly by insisting confidently that your subject give you what you want—say “Take me to your leader” or “You don’t need to see my papers.” If this doesn’t work, try the more passive approach, suggesting that your subject “may feel like” (in his own time, in his own way) taking you to his leader. Keep in mind that you must stay flexible. You are sneaking in the back door of your subject’s subconscious, so step carefully.

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HOW TO PERFORM THE VULCAN NERVE PINCH From The Action Hero’s Handbook by David Borgenicht and Joe Borgenicht

Guard (as Lone Starr pinches his neck): What the hell are you doing? Lone Starr: The Vulcan Neck Pinch? Guard: No, no, no, stupid, you’ve got it much too high. It’s down here where the shoulder meets the neck. Lone Starr (changes hand position): Like this? Guard: Yeah! (He falls to the ground.) Lone Starr: Thanks. —Spaceballs

When performed correctly, the Vulcan Nerve Pinch can bring to a close any hand-to-hand combat situation or render an unsuspecting guard unconscious within a matter of seconds. In the real world, any action hero with skill and a rudimentary knowledge of pressure points can knock out an opponent. The pinch can be executed by either finger pressure or a direct chop, and both methods are described below. According to Kenka Karate founder Ray Geraneo, the pinch has helped many an action hero live long and prosper.

1. Locate your opponent’s radial nerve. The radial nerve, which helps control the movement and functioning of the arm, is two inches below the elbow joint on top of the forearm.

2. Press your thumb or index knuckle into the radial nerve. Activating the radial nerve will temporarily paralyze your subject’s arm and give you time to activate the brachial plexus tie-in (see step 4), which will paralyze your subject. There are two ways to do this: If you can get close enough, embed your thumb into the radial nerve of your subject, and then hold and press firmly. If you need to keep some distance from your subject—if he’s holding a weapon or you need the element of surprise—tuck all of your fingers into a fist. Raise the middle knuckle of your index finger so that it protrudes past the back of your hand. Drive your knuckle into the radial nerve of your subject.

3. Locate the brachial plexus tie-in. The brachial plexus tie-in, which helps control normal arm function, is about two inches below the shoulder. Find the corner of the pectoral (chest) muscle and move to about one inch above the armpit.

HOW TO PERFORM THE VULCAN NERVE PINCH CONT’D.

4. Use either your thumb or index finger, as described in step 2, to activate the brachial plexus tie-in. With pressure still applied to the radial nerve, activate the brachial plexus tie-in with your other hand. This will essentially deaden your opponent’s arm and allow you to move in closer.

5. Apply pressure or a chop to the brachial plexus origin. The brachial plexus origin is found at the base of the neck—at either side, directly above the collarbone. The carotid artery and several nerves run up through this area. Activating it through pressure or a strike can render your subject unconscious. When quick action is needed, you can simply use the back of your hand, forearm, or knee—if your subject is low enough—to strike the origin. A solid and direct hit to the nerve-rich area should disrupt your opponent’s blood flow and render him unconscious.

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HOW TO KNOCK OUT AN OPPONENT WITH A RUNNING WALL KICK

Lieutenant: I think we can handle one little girl. I sent two units—they’re bringing her down now. Agent Smith: No, Lieutenant, your men are dead. —The Matrix

While it’s nice to be a knockout, it’s more important to know how to deliver a knockout kick. Next time you find yourself backed into a corner by zombie dogs or a computer-generated SWAT team, don’t just rely on your good looks to get you out of the situation. White Lotus Kung Fu instructor Carrie Wong recommends drawing your adversary into a corner and using the wall to deliver the boot and cold-cock your enemy. The running wall kick will take your opponent by surprise and put you in prime position for knocking him out with a blow to the neck.

1. Sprint full force toward the corner formed by two walls. You should have at least 15 to 25 feet between you From The Action Heroine’s Handbook by Jennifer Worick and Joe Borgenicht

and the walls so that you gain enough momentum. Do not get too far ahead of your opponent—if he is more than two steps behind you, slow down slightly. If he is less than two steps behind you, speed up.

2. When you reach the wall, run one step up with your dominant foot. Plant your foot firmly on the wall at about waist height. If you’re right-foot dominant, plant your right foot on the right wall, vis-à-vis the corner; if you’re left-foot dominant, plant your left foot on the left wall. Lean your weight forward to compensate for your vertical climb. Keep your knee slightly bent.

3. Step up with your nondominant foot onto the opposite wall. Plant your second foot on the wall about waist high but slightly below and diagonal to your dominant foot. Shift your weight naturally as you run up the wall and “around” the corner. Keep your momentum moving forward, leaning your torso toward the ceiling. Keep your knee slightly bent.

4. Turn so that your “open” side spins toward your opponent. Your open side is on the same side as your nondominant foot. Your dominant leg should follow your turn and will begin to pull off the wall. Keep your knee bent and your foot flexed.

HOW TO KNOCK OUT AN OPPONENT WITH A RUNNING WALL KICK CONT’D.

5. Continue your turn and extend your dominant leg in a circular motion. Swing your leg through the turn with your leg extended but slightly bent at the knee. Your kick should travel in a semicircular motion—like a crescent moon.

6. Use your dominant foot to connect with your opponent’s throat. With your foot flexed, deliver a kick such that the flat of your foot connects with your opponent’s carotid artery. The carotid arteries run up either side of your opponent’s throat. The most vulnerable point is a few inches above the clavicle, about midway up the neck. A solid kick to this area will disrupt your opponent’s blood flow and cause him to fall to the floor and/or black out.

7. Shift your weight to land solidly on both feet. Land with your nondominant foot first. Bring your dominant foot down in front of your body in a staggered stance.

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HOW TO STAGE A DRAMATIC ENTRANCE From The Sherlock Holmes Handbook: The Methods and Mysteries of the World’s Greatest Detective by Ransom Riggs

I rose to my feet, stared at him for some seconds in utter amazement, and then it appears that I must have fainted for the first and the last time in my life. . . . “My dear Watson,” said the wellremembered voice, “I owe you a thousand apologies. . . . I have given you a serious shock by my unnecessarily dramatic reappearance.” —“The Empty House” by Arthur Conan Doyle.

It has been said that Sherlock Holmes’s pursuit of the detective arts robbed the stage of a fine actor, a truth borne out not only by Holmes’s consummate mastery of disguise but also by his talent for making dramatic entrances, exits, and revelations. Surely his reputation as history’s greatest detective was cemented in part thanks to this ability and the indelible impression his surprising methods made upon his—what else to call them?—audiences. For though you might possess all of Holmes’s stupendous powers of deduction and analysis, without his flair for the dramatic your name will never be known beyond the walls of the local courthouse or police precinct.

Option 1: Shed a disguise suddenly. Few things are more shocking than watching one person become another, which is exactly the effect produced when Sherlock Holmes breaks character while in disguise. In The Sign of the Four, for example, Watson and another man are surprised when a decrepit seaman comes calling at the Baker Street apartment, only to begin speaking in Holmes’s voice: “We both started in our chairs. . . . ‘Holmes!’ I exclaimed. . . . ‘But where is the old man?’ ‘Here is the old man,’ said he, holding out a heap of white hair.” Option 2: Appear where you are least expected. In The Hound of the Baskervilles, Watson is led to believe he is alone while investigating Sir Henry Baskerville’s bizarre death on England’s West Country moors. The doctor has tracked a mysterious and possibly dangerous man to an ancient stone house on the moors and is waiting for him to return, pistol at the ready, when “a well-known voice” sounds outside the door: “It is a lovely evening, dear Wat-

HOW TO STAGE A DRAMATIC ENTRANCE CONT’D.

son.” So surprised is Watson that he finds himself temporarily unable to breathe, and it is a moment or two before his senses return: “Holmes,” he cries, shaken. “Holmes!”

Option 3: Reveal key evidence in an unusual manner. The case in “The Naval Treaty” hinges upon a missing document of great importance, upon which rests the entire reputation and career of a young man named Percy Phelps. Naturally, Holmes finds the treaty and returns it to the lad—but rather than simply handing it to him, Holmes delivers it under the lid of a food tray supposed to contain the man’s breakfast. “Phelps raised the cover, and as he did so he uttered a scream . . . and then danced madly about the room, passing [the treaty] to his bosom and shrieking out in his delight. Then he fell back into an arm-chair so limp and exhausted with his own emotions that we had to pour brandy down his throat to keep him from fainting. ‘There, there!’ said Holmes, soothing, patting him upon the shoulder. ‘It was too bad to spring it on you like this, but Watson here will tell you that I never can resist a touch of the dramatic.’”

Option 4: Employ alarming props. The first time Holmes appears in “The Adventure of the Black Peter,” he strides into the Baker Street apartment with “a huge barbed-headed spear tucked like an umbrella under his arm. ‘Good gracious, Holmes!’” Watson cries. “‘You don’t mean to say that you have been walking about London with that thing?’”

Option 5: Disguise yourself as a decoy of yourself. Though it’s no easy feat to pull off, Holmes employed this technique to spectacular effect in “The Mazarin Stone.” Holmes agrees to leave the room in which he’s been negotiating with two criminals for the return of the precious Mazarin stone, but instead secretly takes the place of a wax replica of himself that’s been lurking in the corner. When the thieves, thinking they’re alone, produce the stone, the “replica” of Holmes springs to life and grabs it. The villains’ utter amazement is a testament to Holmes’s success: “The Count’s bewilderment overmastered his rage and fear. ‘But how the deuce—?’ he gasped.”

Option 6: Stage a collapse. “We have had some dramatic entrances and exits upon our small stage at Baker Street,” writes Watson in “The Priory School,” “but I cannot recollect anything more sudden and startling than the first appearance of Thorneycroft Huxtable, M.A., Ph.D., etc.” A most self-possessed and pompous-looking man had come to call and surprised all present when “his first action after the door had closed behind him was to stagger against the table, whence he slipped down upon the floor, and there was that majestic figure prostrate and insensible upon our bearskin hearthrug.” Should you ever have cause to fake an illness, this is an excellent way to commence your performance.

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HOW TO DECODE CIPHERS From The Sherlock Holmes Handbook: The Methods and Mysteries of the World’s Greatest Detective by Ransom Riggs

“I am fairly familiar with all forms of secret writings, and am myself the author of a trifling monograph upon the subject, in which I analyze one hundred and sixty separate ciphers.” —Sherlock Holmes, “The Adventure of the Dancing Men”

Writing in cipher, also known as cryptography, is the art of composing messages meant to be incomprehensible to anyone save the intended recipient, who (one would hope) possesses its key. For the interceptor of a ciphered message, the first problem is to determine what type of cipher has been used. This is a matter of trial, error, and educated guesswork, for decryption is often more art than science. But as Holmes points out in his “Dancing Men” case, there are “rules which guide us in all forms of secret writing,” and if one is familiar with them, it is possible that any cipher may be discovered and its message revealed. To that end, we will examine one type of cipher that Holmes unravels during the course of his career: the substitution cipher. This is the type of cipher Holmes famously decrypts in “The Dancing Men,” which replaces letters in a message with what seems at first like childish nonsense but which Holmes quickly deduces to be symbols that correspond to letters in the English alphabet. Using a slightly modified “dancing man” alphabet, we’ve encrypted a new message:

Having no knowledge of the substitution alphabet used to create it, how can this gibberish be made sense of without endless and taxing guesswork? Thusly: 1. Using frequency analysis, the decipherer’s first business is to classify the letters in the message according to their rate of recurrence in the alphabet. This too is Holmes’s first step: “As you are aware, e is the most common letter in the English alphabet,” he explains, “and it predominates to so marked an extent that even in a short sentence one would

HOW TO DECODE CIPHERS CONT’D.

expect to find it most often.” Of the nineteen letters in the encrypted message above, five are “ ,” and so we may assume with reasonable assurance that “ ” is an encrypted substitute for the letter e. 2. Single letters occurring in isolation must be a, i, or in rare cases o. Groupings of two letters occurring together are ee, oo, ff, and ss. Because there are none of either sort in this encrypted message, continue to the next step. 3. The most common words of two letters, roughly arranged in order of their frequency, are of, to, in, it, is, be, he, by, or, as, at, an, and so. At this juncture we lack ,” the only two-letter word in the sequence. adequate information regarding “ Return to it when you know more. ,” the first encrypted word, contains one previously decod4. Notice that “ ed letter, “ ,” which was reasoned to be a substitute for e. Because the most common of three-letter words is the, and the final letter of the first word in our ” stands for the. This reveals two further sequence is e, we may infer that “ letters of the substitution alphabet: “ ,” a substitute for t, and “ ,” a substitute for h. We may also replace the “ ” in the final word with t. e   e e e t 5. The partially decoded message now reads: “The .” Since alphabetical frequency analysis is less helpful with words in excess of three or four letters, turn instead to contextual and grammatical clues. Being that this is a book about Sherlock Holmes, you might apply a bit of contextual frequency analysis and speculate that the final word in the sequence is the word most famously associated with Holmes: elementary. 6. With this deduction, one further letter in the sequence is solved: “ ,” which is clearly a substitution for a. With much of the message decoded, it doesn’t require a great effort of the mind to convert the message into its deciphered form: “The case is elementary!”

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HOW TO SURVIVE A GLOBAL ALIEN ATTACK From How to Survive a Horror Movie by Seth Grahame-Smith

Rumors fly. One hundred ships. One thousand, hovering over every major city in the world. Tanks roll through the streets. World leaders address their anxious flocks. Religious services are standing-room only. Heart attacks and attempted suicides wreak havoc on emergency rooms. And then there’s you. Wondering whether to stay, go, or swallow that cyanide capsule you’ve been saving for just such an emergency. Here’s what to do. 1. Don’t be a sucker. It’s a movie rule that dates back to the Truman era: When aliens come to Earth en masse, they do not come in peace. Ever. No matter what olive branch they offer in one purple hand, they’re concealing a ray gun in the other. One alien? No problem. You’ve got yourself the makings of a fine coming-of-age movie. More than one alien? It’s a full-scale attack. Guaranteed. There are only three reasons aliens come in groups:

To eat us. Apparently, humans are quite the scrumptious delicacy. (Though you have to wonder, what do they eat back home?)

To enslave us and steal our resources. Their planet’s almost out of crude oil, so they’re here to take ours. (Ha, ha! Joke’s on them!)

To destroy us for no reason. That is, other than the fact that they’re total dicks. Dicks who (after eons of evolution, philosophical discussion, and scientific advancement) have decided that the meaning of it all is to kill. Never trust an alien. Not even if they give you the cure for cancer wrapped in the end of world hunger. Don’t you realize they’re just making sure we’re plump and tumor-free?

2. Stay away from the ships. Let those flute-playing hippies be the first to feel the aliens’ wrath. “Oh, look! They’re flashing some lights! Aren’t they pretty? I wonder what’s gonna happen next?” Allow me to ruin the surprise: You’re going to be blasted with a Xoraxian Krellbor that turns your bones into lava.

3. Loot. You might think that looting is wrong, but when the

HOW TO SURVIVE A GLOBAL ALIEN ATTACK CONT’D.

ships begin firing, you can drive over to the local megastore and wait patiently for one of the cashiers to show up for work. And when you finally grow a brain and realize that civilization is closed until further notice, throw a shopping cart through the window and start grabbing supplies:

Food. Dry, canned, and powdered only. As much as you can carry. A pistol. And plenty of ammo. Not for fighting aliens—for protecting yourself from humans who decide they want some of your supplies.

Camping equipment. Tents, sleeping bags, flashlights, waterproof matches, hand-cranked radios, binoculars, knives, propane tanks, blankets, batteries, and rope.

First aid supplies. Bandages, hydrogen peroxide, and pain relievers are priorities.

Large-capacity squirt guns. See Step 5 for explanation. 4. Retreat to a remote location. Even the biggest alien invasions are limited to urban areas, at least during the first phase. If they’re here to eat us, that’s where the most people are. If they’re here to enslave us, that’s where our heads of state are. And if they’re just dicks, that’s where they can do the most damage in the shortest amount of time. You have no business being anywhere near a metropolitan area. If you’re in a tiny, long-forgotten town that you’ve been dreaming of leaving your whole life, stay there. If you’re a city dweller who drives into the surrounding countryside and makes snarky remarks like “Can you believe people live out here?” go live out there.

GOOD REMOTE LOCATIONS: Woods (spring and summer). Leafy treetops provide excellent cover, and abundant wildlife provides food when the canned stuff runs out.

Caves (fall and winter). There’s a reason we lived in them for thousands of years. They’re easy to heat, they protect you from the elements, and they keep you well hidden. The deeper the cave, the better.

BAD REMOTE LOCATIONS: Cornfields. These are probably being used as terrain markers or staging areas for the invaders.

Prairies. Wide open spaces have no hiding places. 5. Stay close to water. If you have a boat, now would be the time to get some-

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thing more practical than a superiority complex out of it. Aliens tend to ignore the 70 percent of our planet that is covered in water. If you have the option, drive a few miles offshore and wait out this whole mess. If you have access to a submarine, even better.

HOW TO SURVIVE A GLOBAL ALIEN ATTACK CONT’D.

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If the closest you can get to water is the puddle that forms on the roof of your tent, fear not. Remember those large-capacity squirt guns you looted? Fill them and keep them close at all times. If you run into a spaceman, you stand a better chance of killing it with a good soaking than a hail of bullets. Alien invasion movies are basically metaphors for man’s overreliance on technology, so it’s almost always something primitive that brings the aliens to their knees. Earthly bacteria, bee stings, or water.

HOW TO SURVIVE A HAUNTED HOUSE From How to Survive a Horror Movie by Seth Grahame-Smith

In the old days, spotting a haunted house was a piece of cake. It was always the creepy Victorian with the unmowed lawn and freakishly large weather vane. But that was then. Nowadays, it doesn’t matter if the house is falling apart or brand-spanking new, sitting atop Graveyard Hill or shoehorned into an exclusive gated community. Any combination of wood, concrete, and paint can be haunted. And for that reason, every horror homeowner should know what to do in the event of a ghost or poltergeist infiltration. Remember: In horror movies, you don’t gut the interior . . . the interior guts you.

1. Confirm that the house is haunted. Just because your zip code is 00666 doesn’t mean you have to run screaming every time a floorboard creaks. Sometimes a strange noise is just a strange noise. On the other hand, sometimes it’s a portal to a dimension of unspeakable evil. To help homeowners tell the difference, in 1964 two professors at the University of Eastern West Berlin (Drs. Brenton Sabellico and Eric Dugre) came up with their famous 10 Questions:

IS YOUR HOUSE HAUNTED? Simply circle “Yes” or “No” after each question. If you answer “Yes” to three or more of these questions, we can conclude beyond any reasonable doubt that your house is haunted. Proceed to step 2 immediately. 1. Do the faucets or showerheads bleed?

YES NO

2. Did the previous owners die as the result of a murder or suicide?

YES NO

3. Does furniture rearrange itself when you aren’t looking?

YES NO

4. When you reach into the refrigerator, does your arm appear in another part of the house?

YES NO

HOW TO SURVIVE A HAUNTED HOUSE CONT’D.

5. Are there Civil War–era children playing in your attic?

YES NO

6. Does the house issue verbal or written warnings?

YES NO

7. Does the temperature suddenly plummet if you discuss remodeling?

YES NO

8. Do you feel more compelled than usual to murder your family with an ax?

YES NO

9. Are Native Americans constantly showing up to ask, “What happened to our cemetery?”

YES NO

10. Does the house contain any candelabras?

YES NO

2. Once you’ve confirmed the haunting, leave immediately. There are two things you can’t change in this world: a husband who lets the dishes pile up, and a haunted house. Both lead to nothing but frustration, fear, and, eventually, a gruesome death. If the 10 Questions come back positive for a haunting, get out. Don’t pack up your things. Don’t go for one last dip in the half-finished swimming pool. Run. Now.

3. Escape on an X axis. If the Y axis measures something’s vertical position, the X axis refers to its horizontal location. Now, this next point is very important: Inside a haunted house, moving along the Y axis gets you killed. If you’re upstairs, do not go downstairs. If you’re downstairs, do not go upstairs. Zigzag to your heart’s content. Run around in circles. Whatever you do, maintain altitude. If you’re on the second floor of a haunted house, crash through the nearest window. In fact, do the same thing if you’re on the first floor. Yes, you’ll probably get hurt. But cuts and bruises are better than having your soul sucked into purgatory with a bunch of dead people who lost their road map to hell. 4. Be on the alert for common haunted house trickery. You’re eager to leave, but the house is just as eager to keep you around. Once it realizes you’re trying to escape, it’ll throw every trick in the bag at you:

The Endless Hallway. A classic. As you run toward that door to salvation,

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the hallway becomes longer . . . longer . . . impossibly long. Countermeasure: A burst of willpower is usually all it takes. But closing your eyes is an easier way of neutralizing the effect. Just stick your arms out and feel your way down the hall.

HOW TO SURVIVE A HAUNTED HOUSE CONT’D.

The Zero-Gravity Room. You’re dragged up the walls by some unseen force. Countermeasure: Easy. Sing Lionel Richie’s “Dancing on the Ceiling” and act like you’re having the time of your life. The house will vomit you out the front door.

Coffin Whack-a-Mole. All the coffins from the graveyard you (so rudely) built a house on start shooting through the floor. Countermeasure: Inappropriately grope the corpses. The house will vomit you out the front door.

The Reappearance of a Dead Friend/Child. As the house becomes desperate, it’ll deliver some low blows. The most common is recreating someone who’s recently died. “Mommy . . . where are you going? Why are you leaving me?” Countermeasure: If the house isn’t pulling any punches, neither should you. Address the “person” in front of you as the house and tell it something that will set it off. Something like: “You should know . . . I’ve been sleeping in a condo.”

5. Do not go back inside. If you do manage to escape, don’t look back. Keep running, no matter how many screams echo through the night and no matter how fun it might be to watch the house fold itself into a point of light no bigger than the period at the end of this sentence. Never, ever go back. Unless it’s for the dog.

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HOW TO KILL THE LIVING DEAD From How to Survive a Horror Movie by Seth Grahame-Smith

Anyone who’s killed by a zombie ought to be ashamed. Doing so is the equivalent of blowing a fighter jet out of the sky with a Nerf dart. Humans are superior to zombies in every imaginable way: We’re faster, smarter, stronger, more adaptable, and better looking. And yet, in zombie movies, our so-called heroes hole themselves up in a highly vulnerable location at the first sign of a limper. They sit around scratching their heads and growing hysterical while an army of the dead amasses outside instead of simply planning a counterattack. HERO (gasping for breath) What are we gonna do? There . . . there must be two . . . three dozen of them in the front yard! At the rate they’re moving, they’ll make it to the porch in a few hours! If you’re trapped in a movie that pits you against a partially decomposed, laughably uncoordinated enemy, don’t retreat: defeat.

1. Stop being so pathetic. Pull yourself together! You’re the human! Stop acting like prey and start acting like a hunter! Of course you’re scared. Your self-confidence has been rattled by fear. So let’s puff up that chest and review all the reasons why humans are way, way more awesome than zombies:

Speed. Humans can walk at a good clip. Zombies use tortoises as skateboards. Well, most of them do. (Though rare, fast-moving zombies do exist. Little is known about their origins, but they seem to be indigenous to Great Britain and movie remakes.)

Complex problem-solving abilities. Humans send robots to Mars. Zombies are baffled by doorknobs.

Weaponry. Humans have a vast supply of guns, knives, chemicals, and explosives at our dexterous fingertips. A zombie’s arsenal includes teeth, and . . .

HOW TO KILL THE LIVING DEAD CONT’D.

wait . . . nope, that’s it. Teeth.

Strength. Zombies aren’t stronger than humans. On the contrary, their muscles have begun to rot, making them weak and brittle.

2. Arm yourself. At the first sign of a zombie outbreak, raid the local gun shops, sporting goods stores, and “we sell everything ever made” megastores and procure some instruments of undeath.

Rifles. The cornerstone of any antizombie campaign. Preferably high-powered semiautomatics.

Shotguns. Excellent for close-quarters fighting. Make heads disappear like magic!

Bombs. Whether a brick of C4 or a pipe filled with gunpowder and rusty nails, bombs are a highly effective means of vanquishing zombies.

Incendiary devices. Zombies are famously terrified of fire, and with good reason—they’re much more flammable than we are, since their flesh is so dry. And because they’re not exactly nimble, very few manage to stop, drop, and roll after they’ve been lit. 3. Set a trap. Sure, you can roam the countryside for months, taking on zombies one by one, fighting them with knives and fists. But who has that kind of time? Zombies are cattle. Just drive them to the slaughterhouse. Here’s one way of terminating a truckload of dead heads at once. A. Place an explosive device in a confined area and then lure the zombies with fresh brains. B. Wait for the zombies to arrive. C. Detonate the explosives. D. Take cover.

4. Finish the job. After the bomb goes off, there’ll be bits and pieces of zombie everywhere. But you’re not out of danger yet. Here’s where those rifles and shotguns come into play. Being careful to keep your ankles away from their mouths, storm the blast area while shooting any remaining zombies full of lead.

5. Burn the bodies. Using a push broom or shovel, move the body parts outside, douse them in unleaded gasoline, and roast ’em. Take extreme care to keep their blood and saliva away from your skin, and don’t breathe in the resulting smoke— it could still contain traces of the zombie virus.

6. Repeat as needed. The great thing about zombies? They’ll keep falling for it. Why? Because they’re stupid, and we’re awesome.

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PART 2

GEEKS IN ACTION

“Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try.” —Yoda, The Empire Strikes Back

Read about this quote in Geek Wisdom: The Sacred Teachings of Nerd Culture edited by Stephen H. Segal

Nothing could be geekier than pouring hours of obsessive effort into a passion project. Whether it’s shooting for a new YouTube channel, snapping some classy selfies, or scribbling fanfiction for your OTP, geeks love to create. So we’ve got expert advice on how to produce, polish, and present projects of all sorts. Geeks, assemble! And disassemble! And shoot and film and draw and write and remix and edit!

HOW TO MAKE AN AMAZING YOUTUBE VIDEO

I remember the first time I turned on the camera to record a video for YouTube: it was really awkward. Without a YouTube Jedi master, I was a lost little padawan. Four years later, I’ve learned so much, and yet every day I discover something new about making videos and being part of the YouTube community. Although I can’t save you from feeling awkward the first few (or ten) times you sit yourself down in front of a webcam, I can tell you how to make videos you’ll be proud of. Pick a theme. Consider what you want to your videos to be

By Liz Vallish elizziebooks.com @elizziebooks

about. Do you want to talk about books? Review new tech gadgets? Show off your drunk cooking skills? To gain an audience for your YouTube channel you should choose a consistent topic. That said, don’t be afraid to mix things up once in a while. You can periodically try out a new topic on your main channel or start new side channel to cover different subject matter.

Prep your shoot. Even before you turn on the camera, set up some three-point lighting: position a main light in front of you so that it illuminates one side of you, a dimmer light on your other side (to lessen shadows), and a third light behind you. Or try one of those floor lamps with the zillion different bendy arms pointed in your general direction. Should you use a script? Personally, I will outline what I’m going to say, but I avoid going into too much detail because I want to sound natural. I have friends who script, though, and some go as far as using teleprompter apps. You can use whichever method you find most comfortable. This same goes for deciding whether to shoot with a DSLR camera or the built-in webcam on your computer. In any case, don’t forget to turn off your television, radio, cat meows, and other sounds that will surely distract your audience.

Relax. Who said that making YouTube videos is a serious affair? When I start talking to the camera, I act as if I’m speaking to one of my fellow book-obsessed friends. Remember that you’re talking to real people who are watching you because they enjoy your content and they want to know what you have to say. Have fun with it. If you’re having fun,

HOW TO MAKE AN AMAZING YOUTUBE VIDEO CONT’D.

chances are your audience is having fun watching you.

Import and edit. Now comes the moment when you hold your camera up to your computer monitor and yell, “Import! Import!” Just kidding—you’re smart and you’ve probably been importing your family pictures onto a computer since before you could speak, so I’ll assume you know what you’re doing. Once you have imported your footage, use the editing software of your choice to refine your video (cut those reaching-arm-to-camera shots, add an end screen with annotations and links to other videos and social media, etc.). Use whatever software you’re most comfortable with, or if you’re just starting out, try a free program such as iMovie or Windows Movie Maker.

Keep it legal. Avoid using copyrighted music. There are online sources that offer royalty-free music, either for free or for a fee. Using copyrighted music in your video is dicey: on a good day, you won’t be able to get that video monetized; on a bad day, you’ll be standing in court facing an angry record label.

ADDITIONAL WAYS TO BUILD YOUR CHANNEL: Accept change. YouTube changes its layout more frequently than James Franco posts unflattering selfies on Instagram. The change can be startling, but adapting and learning to use the new features will keep you streets ahead.

Be active elsewhere. Use other platforms, like a blog or Tumblr, as a central place to share not just your videos but other things you love. Maintaining a presence on Twitter can be useful, too; many YouTube communities have their own hashtags. And if you can afford to do so, consider attending YouTube-centric meet-ups, conferences, and other events, like VidCon, Playlist Live, and Buffer Festival.

Comment on other people’s videos. Interacting with your community and showing your support for others will naturally draw people to your channel.

Be nice. I’ve seen people get mad over the most trivial thing, like a negative comment, and drag it all over Twitter and even into YouTube videos. If you’re that mad at someone, shut down your computer and go outside. Step back and reevaluate whether dragging someone through the dirt (so to speak) is truly worth it. Remember that the person making the comment is not a world-dominating robot.

LIZ VALLISH is a book and social media addict, so she uses social media to talk about books! She runs the Elizziebooks YouTube channel and blog while pursuing a degree in communications and media studies.

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HOW TO CREATE A YOUTUBE CHANNEL By Rosianna Halse youtube.com/rosianna @papertimelady

There is no “right” way to create a YouTube channel. But there are a number of things you can do to make your channel more appealing—small steps that will entice viewers into hanging around for a video or two, or even to subscribe. 1. Pick your name. Since the integration with Google+, usernames on YouTube don’t work quite the way they used to. If you’re comfortable using your real name, great. Otherwise, you can give yourself a nickname and use that across Google accounts, which is virtually the same thing as an old-school username. (Or, if you have an existing Google account that uses your real name, you can make a new nicknamed account specifically for the purpose of creating sweet, sweet YouTube videos.) Choose a handle that people can remember easily—sure, ukbrittanyspears9071 might reflect who you are, but it doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue.

2. Create a header. The corporate overlords at YouTube

change their minds a lot. But as of the publication of this e-book, the header art on your YouTube page (that is, the banner picture that will make your channel look very fancy and profesh) should be 2560 pixels wide by 1440 pixels high and no greater than 2 megabytes. Remember that this image should look just as good in a web browser as on smartphones and tablets. A handy way to ensure your header will look good on any size screen is by using a repeating patterns in the header, so that it doesn’t really matter which part of the image is cropped. Put your channel name or URL in the image so people will remember it.

3. Fill in the “About.” Gulp! How do you describe your channel when you haven’t yet made up your mind about what it’ll be? How do you catch a cloud and pin it down? Never fear: loads of us have no idea about what our channel really is, even after eight years of YouTubeing. Think of this section as a way for people to get to know you: Share as much information about yourself as you feel comfortable sharing, and make sure to mention your interests so that you stand out to people who stumble across your channel and think “hey, me too!” (Example: Rosianna is 22 and lives in London, where she works with U.N.I.T. to defend Earth. She likes Twin Peaks, The West Wing, Orphan Black, and apocalyptic fiction.) Tell how often you’ll be uploading vid-

HOW TO CREATE A YOUTUBE CHANNEL CONT’D.

eos, so people know when to check back for new content.

4. Add web links. Do you have a Twitter feed or Tumblr where you talk about other projects you’ve been working on? Are these things you want to share with your YouTube audience? If so, add the links and they’ll appear over your header art. If you have a shop with merch, link to that, too!

5. Feature other channels. If you were accepting an award at the Oscars, who are the YouTubers you’d thank for inspiring you? Whose videos do you watch the second they’re up? Do you have any friends who are also making videos? Their channels should be listed in your “Featured” section—partly to give them a shout-out, but also to show your own interests and your own taste in online videos.

6. Create your playlists. Once you have a few videos uploaded, it’s time to begin the fun of organizing them. Playlists are an easy way for you to group videos with a common theme (book videos, music review videos, beauty haul videos, political rant videos, free comic book day videos, etc.). How you group them is up to you, but if you find certain videos are getting substantially more views than others, try to determine what they have in common and create a playlist based on that theme. If your most popular videos are not thematically similar, build a “greatest hits” or “essential viewing” playlist. Good luck, and happy YouTubing!

ROSIANNA HALSE ROJAS has been making video blogs at youtube.com/ rosianna since 2006. She was a 2012 YouTube Next Vlogger. By day, Rosianna is executive assistant to New York Times best-selling author John Green (The Fault in Our Stars).

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HOW TO CREATE YOUR FIRST COMIC BOOK By Johnny Zito @johnnyzito

I made my first comic book when I was ten years old by folding several sheets of legalsize paper and stapling them twice along the crease. The resulting pamphlet was slightly smaller than a Marvel or DC comic, but the desired effect was achieved. For about a month, I worked tirelessly to fill every page with superheroic drama. I even drew ads for sea monkeys and X-ray specs on the inside cover. When I was finished, I shared issue one of Freedom Force with my friends. For a whole day the comic was passed from one kid to another between classes and covertly read behind math textbooks. At the end of the day I collected my labor of love from Peter Pimento, the last fifth-grader to read my comic. I timidly asked him what he thought. He said, “It was okay. The guy with the jetpack is cool.” All of my time and effort had amounted to little more than a shrug. But that was all the encouragement I needed. I was hooked. I began work on issue two immediately. Anyone can make a comic book—and everyone should. Here’s what you need to know: Making comics can be very solitary work. You spend a lot of time wrapped up inside your own head. So the best advice I can give on the subject of creating comics is to make comics you would want to read. The writer is the first audience member.

Don’t overthink it. Get rolling. Start right now. Write your story in ten words. Pretend we’re at a bus stop and you want to tell me about the great story you just read, but we’re waiting for two different buses. All we have time for is the title—which had better be catchy, or I’ll forget it—and a brief plot description. What would you say? This is easier than you think: Breaking Bad is about a chemistry teacher who sells drugs to pay for his cancer treatments. Community is about a group of unlikely friends starting over at a crummy college. Batman is about a vigilante who hunts criminals with gadgets. Once you know what your comic is about, keep rewriting

those ten words, adding and expanding the story until

HOW TO CREATE YOUR FIRST COMIC BOOK CONT’D.

it’s a script. Your idea will take form, you’ll be able to clearly explain the plot and character. But don’t forget those ten words; when the comic book is complete, you’ll use them to sell your project when prospective customers ask, “What’s it about?” Once you have a story, add pictures. If you’re an artist, this step is quite easy: simply chain yourself to a desk and forsake all human contact until the comic is drawn. If you haven’t an artistic bone in your body, then it’s time to look for an illustrator. Remember, you get what you pay for, so expect better results if your artist is properly compensated. Try to find someone whose style complements your story. Trust your artist and allow him or her the creative freedom to explore your world. After the art is done, it’s time to publish, either with a publisher, on the web, or by self-publishing. Shopping a book to comics publishers can be tricky. Most companies don’t accept unsolicited submissions, which is to say you need an agent to get in the door. Conventions are a great way to meet people in the biz, but no one wants to read your submission there, so leave a copy with anyone who’s interested and don’t be a nuisance. Be professional, and submit a polished package to potential agents. Maybe you want to self-publish and hock your graphic novels directly to readers. Lots of creators pay out of pocket to print their books and then they tour conventions promoting their work and building a fan base. This can be a fulltime job that requires a lot of travel and a bit of capital investment, but if you have the time and money to invest, the complete creative control is its own reward. These days, web comics are insanely popular, and Internet publishing is the most cost-effective method. Consistent release of a quality product builds an audience hungry for merchandise and collected editions. Some creators use the Internet as a stepping stone to self-publishing, but just as many cartoonists make their careers on the Web, building niche audiences. The only way to discover which method works best for you is to experiment. Eat, breathe, and sleep comics; keep making them and the people who read funny books will find you. Of course, if you just want to have some fun, the old-school pamphlet approach I used in fifth grade can’t be beat.

JOHNNY ZITO makes comics, T-shirts, and movies about monsters, girls, and music. He lives with his childhood friends in a big South Philly row home, where they stay up late jumping on beds and eating pizza.

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HOW TO SHOOT A SUPERIOR SELFIE By Kyle Cassidy kylecassidy.com @kylecassidy

There’s a clattering from your backyard as though someone’s upended a wheelbarrow of cans. Then a grunting noise—dog? Hogs? No, something else . . . there are footsteps. You peer through the venetian blinds and see a nine-foot-tall Sasquatch tearing through your vegetable garden. He seems to love carrots and cabbage (though not, for some reason, strawberries). So you do what anybody would do in a similar situation. You creep out the back door, hold your phone at arm’s length, make a giant grin, and snap a selfie. The shutter noise startles the gentle giant of the forest— he squeals and bolts into the trees. No matter, you think as you open Instagram, I got the goods. Selfies, aka self-portraits, have been around for a very long time—they just used to take longer. For example, seventeenth-century Spanish painter Diego Velázquez toiled for months on Las Meninas, painting himself into a portrait of King Philip IV of Spain and his wife, Mariana of Austria. And why not? If you’re hanging out with the royal family, why not grab a little memento that you can share with your friends? The selfie is an easy, reliable way to say, “I was here. I experienced this thing.” Don’t be embarrassed to take selfies. But before your next one, let me give you some advice. Consider your audience. Surprisingly, most people never pause to think about this most important aspect of picture taking. That’s sad, because the people who will ultimately view your photo have an awful lot to do with how, when, and how often you tap the shutter button on your phone. At the very least, the audience for your self-portraits is you—but the pictures might also be for your Instagram friends, your college buddies, your family back home. And each of those groups might be interested in different aspects of your Sasquatch encounter. Provide context. A selfie includes, by definition, you. But fill the rest of the frame with useful information: Are you at a concert? On top of a mountain? Arrested by stormtroopers? Swimming? Make sure that the background is unobscured and that it’s easy for people to tell what’s going on. Don’t be a jerk. If you’re taking a selfie with a celebrity,

HOW TO SHOOT A SUPERIOR SELFIE CONT’D.

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don’t take one photo, look at it, and then ask to take another. Take a bunch of photos quickly. Celebs are asked to be in photos like this all day, so the less of their time you waste, the more they’ll like you. If you’re waiting in a signing line at an event, use the time before your turn comes to make sure your phone is switched on and turn the shutter sound on so you can tell that it’s working. When your turn comes, ask quick permission (“Can I take a selfie?”). Then stick your arm out, hammer out five or six photos, be cheerful, say thank you, and move along so the next person doesn’t punch you for holding up the line. Duckface or no duckface? Most anyone who eats with silverware will tell you never to duckface—i.e., make that obnoxious, pursed-lips duckbill expression—while taking a selfie. Keep in mind that if the police arrive to find you missing with just your phone lying in the vegetable patch, the duckface selfie of you and Sasquatch is going to be the thing on the evening news. When in doubt, look noble in your selfie. Unassisted or unassisted? The unassisted selfie—camera at arm’s length, pointed back—is classic and the most popular and easiest selfie. But now there are self-timer apps for all varieties of smartphone, many of them free, so there’s little excuse not to have one. Occasionally you want a photo taken from farther away than your arm can reach. No phone gadgets? Don’t be afraid to ask a stranger for assistance. It still counts as a selfie. The bathroom mirror is another solution (but put the seat down first, please). The outward-facing camera usually has better resolution. Take the iPhone 5, for example: It has an 8-megapixel camera, but the iSight camera—the one on the screen side—is only 1.2 megapixels. People will often employ the iSight camera so that they can see themselves while photographing and then end up with a low-resolution photo. Take a lot, pick the best. It’s hard to frame yourself when you can’t see, so move the camera around and keep hitting the shutter button. It’s better to have five pictures to choose from than to take one and find out later that your head is cut off. Don’t use the flash. On-axis lighting (that is, the camera flash) is the least flattering kind of light for a human face, so use the flash only as a last resort. If you’re indoors, try to position yourself next to a window letting in daylight. Also be wary of being directly under a light source, which can create harsh shadows in eye sockets. Back up and sort your photos. These selfies are your memories, and they’ll be precious to you someday. Either copy them from your phone onto a drive you routinely back up, automatically back up photos to Dropbox, or sync them remotely to another cloud-based storage system (like iCloud). But remember that forty years from now you won’t want to look through 800,000 self-portraits, so every few months pick out the key images that form your narrative and back them up in a separate folder. You can also print them out and put them in a photo album just like in the old days (Google “Instagram printing” for companies that make this easy). Your phone, your tablet, your tiny point-and-shoot, your 35mm film camera—

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whatever you use to take your selfies—is a miraculous product of science and technology. It’s the culmination of centuries of research and fine tuning. Use it! Write down your life with photos. Paint with this camera thing what poet Walt Whitman called your “mighty yawp.” The cave painting that says “I lived, I did these things.” Imagine that one hundred years from now, someone might find your photos on a thumb drive at a yard sale. Take selfies that will make people wonder who you were and wish that they had known you.

KYLE’S CASSIDY’s photography has appeared in numerous publications, including the New York Times, Vanity Fair, Marie Claire, and his documentary photography book Armed America: Portraits of Gun Owners in Their Homes. Find out more at Kylecassidy.com.

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TIPS FOR CRAFTING QUALITY FAN FICTION By Jamie Frevele @jamiefrevele

It’s happened to many of us—the urge. The urge to see our favorite characters in our favorite geek universes do things that their creators either haven’t considered or are completely avoiding. Some of the more initiated geeks will take to Tumblr with their weirdest, cleverest fan art or memes. Others will go so far as to bring these untold stories to life in writing, and this is known as fan fiction. But what happens when a writer comes up with a story so great that it could stand on its own, save for the familiar names and places? This is a fork in the road: one path leads to really epic fan fiction, which can only go as far as copyright laws will allow. The other path might just lead to a brand new property—an original work! Nothing is wrong with writing really great fan fiction. But if you find yourself creating something strong with a mind of its own, it’s time for a new universe to spring to life. Creating your original story isn’t quite as simple as simply changing all the characters’ names. (Unless you want to become the next E. L. James—which you shouldn’t. You should become the first and only you!) You don’t want your new characters to be “eerily familiar” to the ones that inspired them. So think of your altered fan fiction as a first draft. Then congratulate yourself, because creating a first draft is one of the biggest challenges writers face. Next comes the rewrite. Don’t be afraid—you’re going to chip away at your story and mold it into something great. What drew you to the story of the property on which your fan fiction was based? If it was a bitter conflict, a fantastical dreamscape, or a misunderstood villain, you can still use (a version of) that in your new story. What about the original work resonated with you? Here is an example from my own experience as a fan fiction writer. Back in the late ’90s, I loved the Scream film series so much that when my favorite character died in the second film (R.I.P., Randy), I wrote my own full-length screenplay as an alternate account of the character. It was as if I was trying to undo what I’d seen onscreen. But beyond my teenage crush on a cute actor, I was truly passionate what Scream was as a movie. It was an homage. It was a comedy. It was a terrifying story of suspecting the people in your everyday life of doing tru-

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ly horrific things. Not long after I wrote Scream 2.1, I thought it might be fun to come up with my own silly fish tank of red herrings. Next thing I knew, I’d written another full-length screenplay, but this time it was all mine. (It was terrible, but that’s beside the point.) The stories in geekdom that resonate the most with us contain common human themes. Spider-Man is about an ordinary, working-class teenager who learns to take responsibility once he has the opportunity to step up and do something amazing. Star Trek is about a team working together despite their differences and becoming a family. The Walking Dead is about being confronted with the lowest form of humanity and deciding what kind of person you are when you have nothing left. These are just the bare bones, waiting for you to add meat, muscle, nerves, and heart. The love we as fans develop for our favorite stories can be poured into creating brand-new stories that might just spawn their own fans. The ties that bind us are common human themes, after all. What story do you have the urge to tell? And what are you waiting for?

JAMIE FREVELE has written for Boing Boing, the Mary Sue, Geekosystem, and the Huffington Post. She currently runs the satiric celebrity gossip website the Frevele Reveille and is a coproducer of NYC’s Monday Night Fan Fiction.

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HOW TO HANDLE YOURSELF IN AN ONLINE MULTIPLAYER GAME By Thom Dunn thomdunn.net @thomdunn

Back in high school (we’re talking early aughts here, folks), I worked at a kind of makerspace/ museum in my hometown with a bunch of my best friends. After work, we’d all pile into the cramped computer lab and spend the next couple of hours tearing each other apart playing Unreal Tournament. There was one guy in this group who only worked with us for a short time. And the few times he played with us, he’d scoop up a sniper rifle at the top of the game, then squat at the same exact vantage point on the map every time and pick us all off as soon as we spawned. Sure, he technically won most of those rounds, and he was well within the rules to do what he did. But by emphasizing winning over having fun, he kind of ruined things for the rest of us. Whenever we’d call him out on it, he’d say, “Whatever. You guys just don’t want to lose to the master.” Needless to say, we don’t really hang out with him anymore. But then, we don’t really have LAN parties anymore either. Now our multiplayer gaming takes place all across the world, without us ever having to leave the comfort of our homes. Nevertheless, the same unwritten rules still apply. And here I have written them down for you. As the above anecdote illustrates, no one likes a bully when you’re playing head-to-head. You can compete without being a jerk. Don’t get me wrong, we all want to win—hell, we all play to win—but when the only person having fun is the winner, the game quickly loses its appeal. Soon enough, that person won’t have anyone left to win against. When it comes to cooperative play, some people seem to ignore the “cooperative” part. If you’re going to do that, why bother with multiplayer at all? In co-op, everyone

should know their role and be willing to communicate clearly and compromise. Sure, it’s hard when a rookie

winds up with a group of able veterans. And of course, no one wants to be a n00b. If you don’t have the experience,

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just say so. Defer to the better judgment of the group leader while you learn your way around the game. Also, do your research. Read up on the bosses and the general walkthroughs so you know what’s going on, because no one’s going to want to stop and explain it to you—they just want to play, and you’re never going to make any friends if you keep questioning their shorthand or messing up the plan. On the other end of the spectrum, if you’re a grizzled war veteran, don’t go barking orders like a poor man’s Michael Ironside. You shouldn’t automatically assume that you’re the most experienced player in the group and that everyone else will defer to your judgment. Yes, you should make it clear that this ain’t your first rodeo. But don’t simply go for the glory and leave the rest of your gang in the dust. You might be the best player, but as long as you’ve got backup, you might as well use ’em, right? After all, that is kind of the point of cooperative play. Oh, and please go easy on the poor little n00bs, for they know not what they do. Remember, you were once one of them. In a lot of ways, cooperative gaming is like a relationship: communication and respect are key. And if you’re looking to forge something long term, you’re going to have to be okay with going on lots of little dates that ultimately don’t lead anywhere. Maybe you meet up with the same guild a few times and you have some decent conversations between all the dying, but after two weeks you go your separate ways. That’s fine. It just means you’ve got to get back in the game and play. There’s a guild out there for everyone, as long as you’re willing to put yourself out there and look for it.

THOM DUNN is a Boston-based writer, musician, home brewer, and new media artist. Also, he has a Tony Award. You can follow his ongoing adventures at Thomdunn.net or on Twitter @thomdunn.

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PART 3

THE GEEK GATHERING

“Klaatu barada nikto.” —Helen Benson, The Day the Earth Stood Still

“Klaatu . . . varata . . . necktie!” —Ash Williams, Army of Darkness

Read about this quote in Geek Wisdom: The Sacred Teachings of Nerd Culture edited by Stephen H. Segal

Long derided as nothing more than breeding grounds (sometimes literally) for dorks, geek conventions are now finally getting the mainstream respect we’ve long known they deserve. Because, seriously, what’s not to like: panels with your idols, aisle after aisle of sick merch, IRL hangouts with your far-flung geek buddies, and a chance to dress up like your favorite character when it’s not even Halloween. Don’t be the little lost n00b on the event floor. Savvy up with some top tips from seasoned con-goers, and boldly go where many geeks are waiting to say hi.

HOW TO PICK THE RIGHT CONVENTION FOR YOU By Kristin Hackett superspacechick.com @superspacechick

There comes a time in the life of every fanboy and fangirl when they want to further explore a particular fandom and bond IRL with their community. The best way to do so is by attending a convention, where fans can interact with like-minded individuals about shared interests. Each convention has a distinct personality—even cons run by the same organizers can differ drastically from location to location. So it’s crucial to research the convention that’s piquing your interest before spending your hard-earned money. Travel time, hotel accommodations, and finances are major factors in planning a potential convention trip. And although it’s likely easiest and most affordable to attend the convention nearest (if not in) your hometown, it may be worth saving up, traveling the extra miles, and spending more at an event that better suits you and your fandom. Most fans dream of attending San Diego Comic Con. SDCC is the veritable Mecca for geeks from around the world. But being the most renowned convention means it is also the most crowded, the most attended by entertainment industry folk, the most stressful to plan to visit, and the one where you’ll most likely spend an entire day or night camping out to see one panel. The quest to acquire your tickets (now sold only as single-day badges) and hotel room (you have to enter a lottery) is not unlike Frodo’s long journey to Mount Doom. And like Frodo’s trip, SDCC is infinitely easier to tackle with the help of friends (especially securing accommodations). Despite all of these hurdles, SDCC is amazing and unlike any other convention. Once you purchase your convention exclusives on Preview Night, you’ll feel as accomplished as the Avengers after ridding Earth of the Chitauri army (you may even want to grab some shawarma with friends afterward to celebrate your victory). So if your heart is set on catching a glimpse of Matt Smith in his bow tie or spending an evening sleeping in shifts while waiting in line for a panel on the next Batman movie, SDCC is the place for you. In fact, plenty of fans travel to San Diego during SDCC sans badges and still have a satisfying experience—the entire city takes on the con atmosphere and you can get a killer

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nerdy contact high. On the other hand (and other coast), a convention like Baltimore Comic Con is about as stress free as Thor picking up his Mjölnir. Baltimore Comic Con happens to be my favorite convention for many reasons. Unlike SDCC, where there is a strong entertainment industry presence,, Baltimore is focused solely on comics and comics fans. They have one of the best Artists’ Alleys (the area where comic book authors and artists set up tables and sign autographs, take sketch requests, and interact with con-goers) of any convention, and having to wait to meet a creator is very rare. BCC attracts some of the best names in the comics industry, since it hosts the Harvey Awards (for which attendees can purchase tickets) on the Saturday evening of the convention. At BCC, seeing everything that you set out see and purchasing way more than you intended to purchase are not only possible but likely. If cosplay and parties are your thing, you won’t want to miss DragonCon. A cosplay parade down the main streets of Atlanta kicks off the convention, whose unofficial motto is “What happens at DragonCon stays at DragonCon.” Like SDCC, accommodations for DragonCon happen via hotel lottery, which is held almost a year in advance, but unlike other conventions, the most popular panels at DragonCon are offered in multiple time slots, so more attendees can attend. Calling all gamers! You have a plethora of conventions to choose from, the most popular of which are PAX Prime, PAX East, BlizzCon, and E3. E3 is known for video games and computing gaming; BlizzCon is run by Blizzard Entertainment, the creators of World of Warcraft, Diablo and many other games. PAX Prime, PAX East, and PAX Australia showcase a mix of video games, tabletop gaming, and role-play games. If the Force is strong with you, you’ll want to direct your Millennium Falcons, X-wings, TIE Fighters, tauntauns, etc., to Star Wars Celebration. This convention changes locations each year, which allows fans from around the world to attend. Another convention that city-hops across the U.S. is literary fandom convention LeakyCon, which started as a Harry Potter convention but has added many more YA fiction authors and fandom-specific events to their programming. Gallifrey One and LI Who are two cons that all TARDIS-piloting Whovians should navigate toward. Trekkies would steer the USS Enterprise to Star Trek Vegas. The inaugural Sherlocked, devoted to all things Sherlock Holmes, has been announced for 2014 (it’s beginning in the U.K. with plans to move to Europe and the USA in the next few years), and Stan Lee’s Comikaze Expo is a great place to bring your children. One final thing to consider: when choosing to travel to a convention, you may want to pick a location that you’ve always been interested in visiting and then plan a few extra days to check out some tourist attractions. Once you have a few conventions under your belt, it’s likely that you’ll have made friends who live nowhere near you . . . this comes in handy when planning for future conventions!

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KRISTIN HACKETT is part superhero and part fashionista. She is an avid blogger for On Wednesdays We Wear Pink, which she cocreated with Kristin Fowler. She muses about comics and conventions at SuperSpaceChick.com and on Twitter @SuperSpaceChick.

A GUIDE TO CON LINGO By Chris Cummins @bionicbigfoots

As Pulp reminds us in their Britpop classic “Common People,” everybody hates a tourist. If you’ve never had the pleasure of attending a fandom convention before, take a minute to familiarize yourself with the following terms, which you’re likely to hear coming from the mouths of fanboys and fangirls during the con. In the absence of a real-life BabelFish or universal translator, this list is your definitive guide to convention-speak. AI: Artificial intelligence/A lackluster Spielberg film. Anorak: British slang word for nerd. Artist’s alley: A must-see part of every convention. This is where independent comics creators hawk their (often terrific) wares. You want to see tomorrow’s biggest talents today? This is where you want to be.

Back issue: An older comic book no longer available on the primary market.

Bazinga!: A catchphrase used on The Big Bang Theory, a TV show no self-respecting nerd would actually watch. Do not say this.

Cosplay: The act of dressing up like a favorite pop culture character, usually from a sci-fi or fantasy property.

Fansub: Version of a foreign-language film or TV series with fan-added subtitles. Most popular in anime circles, fansubs allow audiences to enjoy foreign works that would otherwise be incomprehensible in their original form.

Frak: A generic curse word used constantly by characters on the TV series Battlestar Galactica.

Gamer: A hard-core video game enthusiast. Glomping: Though it may sound like an extraordinarily cool dance move, it is in fact a form of violent hug attack given by one fan to another, originally used in the anime fandom and typically given to cosplayers. It is often ferocious, but who doesn’t love a hug (even one that is crushingly affectionate)? When in doubt, ask first and then glomp.

Hentai: Explicit anime pornography. Not for kids!

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LARP: Acronym for live-action role playing. May involve in-character social interactions as well as fighting with swords (made of foam or something else safe) and armor.

MMORPG: Acronym for massively multiplayer online role-playing game. Examples include World of Warcraft, Starcraft, Guild Wars, etc.

Muggle: A term for a person lacking magical abilities, from the Harry Potter series. Usually has a negative connotation. NYCC: New York Comic Con. This October event is perhaps best described as the foul-mouthed, East Coast little brother of San Diego’s con.

Otaku: A catchall Japanese term for anybody who is obsessive about a certain thing, usually anime. A geek, in other words. Retcon: Abbreviation of retroactive continuity, aka to suddenly change a character’s history or the premise of a story and proceed as if that it has always been that way. Comics are notorious for retconning, much to the dismay of readers who have had enough of this sort of creative nonsense already.

RPG: Acronym for role-playing game. Can refer to either a tabletop game (think Dungeons and Dragons) or a video game (think Final Fantasy).

SDCC: San Diego Comic Con. This grandpappy of all fandom events is held annually in July. Although it was once the domain of comic book creators and lovers, SDCC is now a huge mainstream moneymaker highlighted by appearances from A-list celebrities and the debut of footage from upcoming blockbuster films. Ship: A romantic relationship between two characters, or the act of supporting said pairing (as in “I ship Lando and Leia”).

Smeg: A generic curse word used constantly by characters on the British TV show Red Dwarf.

Snikt: The sound Wolverine makes when he unleashes his claws. Squee: A vaguely onomatopoetic verb meaning “to enthuse,” often over a romantic pairing of two characters. “I hear Han and Leia are getting together in the next sequel. Squeeeeeeee!”

Trekkie/Trekker: A Star Trek enthusiast. Thwip: The sound Spider-Man makes when he shoots his webbing. Whovian: A Doctor Who enthusiast.

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CHRIS CUMMINS has contributed to Geekadelphia, Den of Geek, Topless Robot, Philadelphia City Paper, Philadelphia Weekly, and USA Today’s Pop Candy blog. He is also the webmaster at Hibernation Sickness. Follow him on Twitter @bionicbigfoot.

HOW TO MAKE THE MOST OF YOUR CONVENTION EXPERIENCE By Kristin Hackett superspacechick.com @superspacechick

You’ve done it! You’ve picked the convention that best suits your interests; your vacation days have been approved by your employer; you’ve endured hours of travel time, checked into your hotel room, and picked up your badge. With the show floor mere feet away, you’re so excited to begin your experience that you’re vibrating uncontrollably and thinking you may explode into glitter at any moment. You want to do everything. EVERYTHING. Which is why you’ll need a plan to conquer this convention. Did Leia, Luke, Han, Chewbacca, and their faithful droids barge into Vader’s Death Star to defeat the Empire without a plan of attack? No! And if we’ve learned anything from them, it’s that it is better to have planned and spontaneously modify those plans than never to have planned at all. Look over the guest list before setting foot in the convention space so you can prioritize your time. Some guests are in attendance only for a few days, or they offer autographs or photos only during a specific time frame. Remember to factor in a substantial wait time for guests who are in very high demand. If Tom Hiddleston will be taking photos with fans from 1 pm to 3 pm, chances are you’ll need to start queuing up at 10 am. Check out the programming schedule, too, for the panels you can’t miss. At larger conventions where overnight lines form (here’s looking at you, Hall H), you could potentially spend a lot of time missing out on what’s happening on the show floor simply waiting in line for another attraction. On the plus side, though, at these larger conventions panels are often filmed and the videos are uploaded to YouTube minutes after the event has ended; often there will be additional coverage online, on Twitter and in more indepth articles later that evening. Taking advantage of these alternatives will free you up for other things during the day. Set a budget. The simplest way to free up funds to spend on art, collectibles, autographs, etc., is to avoid spending an exorbitant amount on overpriced convention food. Pick up some snacks from a nearby convenience store (take it from Thor: your mortal form will grow weak and you will require sustenance). Once you step onto the show

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floor, take a lap around the entire space and scout everything the vendors and artists have to offer before committing to any purchases. Multiple booths may be offering the same merchandise at different prices, so you’ll want to know that you’re getting the best deal. If you suffer short-term memory loss induced by all the shiny things in your field of vision, take a quick photo or write a short note on your smartphone so you can backtrack. Exception: If you have your heart set on a convention exclusive, head to that booth first, because exclusives are usually limited and tend to sell out quicker than you can say “Expelliarmus!” Budget your time if you’re planning on cosplaying, because you’ll be stopped over and over again by people asking for photos. While being stopped for photography is very flattering, it gets in the way of your schedule. Divide your time at the convention into cosplay time and time for you to get your con on. If you’ll only be there for one day but you’re dying to cosplay, bring a change of clothes and only cosplay for a few hours. The day doesn’t end when the show closes. Companies, websites, and cosplayers often host offsite after-con parties and social events, which are a great way to make new friends or meet creators. Check social media to see what’s on; sometimes there’s a cover charge, other times a simple RSVP is all that’s necessary. The only major “but” is that once the convention hours are over, a creator is no longer working. Unless an invitation specifies otherwise, don’t bring a black Sharpie and 200 comics for your favorite writer to sign while she’s trying to enjoy some downtime. Pack your camera battery charger (because if you end up waiting in line for the bathroom behind Robert Kirkman all of your friends are bound to exclaim “photos or it didn’t happen!”) and phone charger (when you will inevitably need a few moments of down time, you’ll want to meet up with friends and form your sitting hangout circle next to an open outlet). And have fun! Things don’t always go according to plan, but if you go with the flow, you’ll have a much more enjoyable time.

KRISTIN HACKETT muses about comics and conventions at SuperSpaceChick.com and on Twitter @SuperSpaceChick.

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HOW TO CREATE (CHEAP) DIY STEAMPUNK COSPLAY GOGGLES By Susan Dennard susandennard.com @stdennard

There’s a reason the steampunk genre has exploded in popularity over the past few years: it’s freaking cool to look at. All those whirring gears and gleaming copper doodads will catch the eye of even the most anti-cosplaying curmudgeon. Of course, those gears and copper bits can make such costumes a bit pricier than other cosplay getups. But with a dollop of elbow grease, a dash of creativity, and copious amounts of spray paint, a steampunk costume can be yours without breaking the bank. The key to a shoestring costume lies in the accessories. Pretty much any outfit, even something as simple as jeans and a button-up shirt, can be transformed with the proper goggles, utility belt, or steampunk gun. Of all the possible brassy accoutrements out there, a pair of goggles is the indispensable item. Whether those goggles are meant to see ghosts (as in my novel from HarperTeen, Something Strange and Deadly) or are for purely aesthetic purposes (as in my own steampunk costume), nothing says steampunk awesomness quite like goggles. Best of all, these goggles can be yours for as little as twenty bucks!

TOOLS • Welding goggles (find them at building supply stores or online) • Embellishments of your choice, such as machine parts, lenses, jewelry, etc. • Leather belt (width equal to that of goggle strap) • Metallic spray paint, any color or a combination • Tape • Superglue

INSTRUCTIONS Courtesy Amanda Plavich Photography

1. Take apart the welding goggles: remove the rubber mask part from the plastic lens frame. Cover the lenses with tape, and remove the strap. If your goggles can’t be taken

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apart, simply cover the lenses with tape and remove the strap. 2. It’s time to spray paint! Follow the instructions on the can and apply only a light coating of paint to the goggles, just enough to cover them all over. (Too much spray paint will turn them into a sticky mess. I learned this the hard way.) Also spray paint your embellishments, if necessary. Let dry; a light coating should dry within a few hours. 3. While the goggles and embellishments dry, measure the distance from one end of the goggles around your skull to the other end of the goggles. Buckle the belt and mark the length of your strap measurement on it, with the buckle in the center. 4. When the paint on the goggles is dry, carefully peel the tape off the lenses. Do not attempt peeling too soon! Wait until the paint is no longer sticky, or else you’ll leave fingerprints on the surface. If you took apart the goggles in step 1, put them back together now. 5. Use the superglue to adhere your various embellishments to the goggles. I personally decided to go simple for my pair, so I only added a single scorpion and the double lenses. Again I suggest scouring the Internet for inspiration on placement and design. 6. Slide the ends of the leather belt into the goggle’s strap holders and voilà! You are now the proud owner of a pair of steampunk goggles.

SUSAN DENNARD is a reader, writer, lover of animals, and eater of cookies. She used to be a marine biologist, but now she writes novels. Her Something Strange and Deadly series is available from HarperTeen. Learn more at SusanDennard.com.

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HOW TO MEET A CON CELEBRITY By Melissa Kay dancewithzombies.net @mechamelissa

So, you’re ready to attend your favorite convention. You’ve got your comfortable shoes packed, your panel schedule planned out, and your cosplays in order. But wait—did you just read that Tom Hiddleston/Karen Gillian is going to be there?! You must meet him/her. What do you do now? Let me help you. I’m your only hope. Whether it’s an actor, comic book writer, artist, or even a cosplayer, meeting a convention celebrity takes a lot of know-how and proper planning. After all, you can’t simply saunter up to William Shatner and start snapping selfies, right? Right. Let’s go over a few steps (and secrets!) to help you score that desired autograph or prized photo. First, research all the details surrounding the celeb’s signing or appearance. Is the signing held only on Saturday afternoon? What time? Can you pay for a photo op beforehand? Don’t be the clueless guy who wanders up to the queue and asks, “Is this the line for so-and-so?” Next comes the waiting. You’ll want to show up to the waiting area at least a few hours prior to the scheduled start time. (If it’s, say, Grant Morrison, please show up the night before.) You should never underestimate a celebrity’s popularity just because you think many people don’t know them. They probably do . . . and they want your place in line. To help pass the time, bring some snacks, water, and a form of entertainment. If you’re social, this is a good time to bond with your line-standing comrades. Sometimes celebrity meetings can be secured by buying an autograph or photo op package before the convention starts. If you can afford it, I highly recommend seizing that opportunity—and fast, as they tend to sell out quickly. These cost a hefty penny. But that’s nothing compared to your (totally benign and within reason) love for this person, right? If waiting in line or buying a photo op don’t pan out for you, you’ll have to resort to some sneaky methods to try to meet you idol. Here are a couple of ways that you could “run into” that beloved celeb: stand nearby while the signing finishes, and slowly but sneakily follow your fave. Oh, you

HOW TO MEET A CON CELEBRITY CONT’D.

just happen to be on the same elevator as Matt Smith? Lucky you! Wink. Another approach is to befriend someone in the celebrity’s movie/comic book/whatever media company. Someone with connections. Someone who will let you meet them. This is hard, but it can be done with the right amount of charm. You’ll need a level 16 Charisma at least. (And if you feel at all weird about doing any of this . . . then don’t do it.) If you’re trying to meet a celeb at San Diego Comic Con, aka the mother of all cons, you’ll need stamina, guts, and unyielding dedication. You will most likely spend an entire day waiting for your event (some events even require an overnight wait)—and note that getting an autograph here require waiting for “tickets” even before waiting in a line to meet the celebrities. But on the plus side: some lesser-known celebrities will be easier to meet here since everyone’s focused on the bigger names—you just need to catch them at their booth at a nonsigning time. Finally, however it happens, once you are mere steps from meeting this celebrity, remember to act appropriately. Use manners, don’t linger, and have what you want signed at the ready. This will make the experience pleasant for everyone involved—including your fellow convention goers. And yes, it’s totally okay to gush—just don’t get carried away and expect a full-on discussion on why they chose to leave the show, etc. Good luck!

MELISSA KAY is an anti-heroine in disguise using her secret powers to wield science and art into medical illustration. By night she paints toys, writes stories, and occasionally fends off her foes with kung fu. Find out more at DanceWithZombies.net and on Twitter @mechamelissa.

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PART 4

GEEK LOVE

“As you wish.” —Wesley, The Princess Bride

Read about this quote in Geek Wisdom: The Sacred Teachings of Nerd Culture edited by Stephen H. Segal

Ah, love: when you find your compatible geek, pterodactyls flit around your stomach and two hearts beat as one (in two non–Time Lord bodies, that is). Far from being socially inept (what is this, Weird Science?), geeks are actually perfectly suited to the dating realm. Passion, empathy, attention to detail, and excellent DVD collections all work in your favor to create a fun and squee-worthy interpersonal experience. Let these tips boost your natural abilities, and then—yes—love long and prosper.

HOW TO HACK YOUR ONLINE DATING PROFILE From The Geek’s Guide to Dating by Eric Smith

Writing a profile for a dating website isn’t quite like building your avatar in World of Warcraft or writing a clever Twitter bio. For one thing, the payoff is much more satisfying. Like any system designed for efficiency, online dating is totally hackable. Step 1: Hack your user name. Your online moniker (along with your profile picture; more about that in Step 2) is the first glimpse of you that other site users get—which means it’s your first chance to catch someone’s attention. Remember how much time you put into coming up with your Xbox Live user name or your Twitter handle? You should put just as much thought into this alias. Do you really want to be another LongDong69 or CuteBoi32? Of course not. You’re a geek, and as a geek, you’re creative. Give yourself a username that says a little something about you and your personality: maybe it’s a character in a comic (Gambit42), the title of a book you enjoy (RdyPlyerOne), or a play on a (nonembarrassing) nickname of yours. TIP: Think carefully before picking a name that can connect you to your IRL self. Avoid using your Twitter handle, your Facebook user name, or your real name: you don’t want your dating profile popping up when a potential employer googles you. By the same token, you don’t want your whole personal life showing up when a potential date googles you. So stay off the radar, and keep your identity a secret, instead of shouting it out to the world.

Step 2: Hack your photo. First of all, choose pictures that are of you, without anyone else in the shot, so you’ll be clearly visible in the thumbnail. Secondly, if the site supports it, post a handful of images—you don’t want to imply there is only one good photo of you in existence. Finally, be sure to choose recent photos. Surprising your date with the fact that you lost all your hair . . . well, that’s not good. You should never start a relationship with a lie. The best practice is to take a couple of fresh pictures especially for your dating profile. Surveys of OkCupid user data show that successful pictures (i.e., the ones that attract the most messages) have a few things in common that are easy to put into practice: Better camera, better picture. Users whose photos were taken with a DSLR camera were more successful than those with point-and-shoot pictures, who were in turn more successful than those with camera phone

HOW TO HACK YOUR ONLINE DATING PROFILE CONT’D.

snaps. Borrow a great camera if possible (and if you are stuck with a phone cam, try to use an iPhone—surveys show iPhone users have more sex).

Flash no, natural light yes. Popping that flash can add almost seven years to the appearance of your face. Turn off your flash and stand outside or by a window (late afternoon is best).

Be shallow. In your depth of field, anyway. Use a low f-stop on your camera when possible, or in layman’s terms: keep your face in focus, with the rest receding to a soft blur. Or use the “portrait” setting if your camera has one.

Don’t look at the camera . . . or even smile. It sounds counterintuitive, but guys whose pictures show them staring resolutely offstage make contact with nearly twice the women per attempt than the deer-in-headlights grinners. But try to go for mysterious and thoughtful, not creepy and crabby.

YES

NO

You, dressed well and looking nice

You at a party chugging down cans of beer or tumblers of whiskey like you’re Wolverine or Tony Stark

You sitting outside at a restaurant, glass of wine in hand

You at home, shirtless in the bathroom mirror, in your boxers, etc.

You at home, sitting on the couch, cooking in your kitchen, posing with a pet, etc.

You sitting outside at a restaurant, mouth full of meat, bones scattered across the table, spoils of war everywhere, none spared. If you look like a zombie extra from Shaun of the Dead, it’s probably a bad choice of picture. (Unless you actually were a zombie extra—that could be cool. Just make sure you explain that clearly in the caption.)

Step 3: Hack your “About Me.” You’ve got to be honest. Boasting about being the world’s strongest millionaire might work for Bender in Futurama, but if you’re trying to find something long term and lasting, it’s best not to lie. Here are some cheat codes for getting the truth across painlessly. Standard playthrough: “I’m looking for a Droid to man my battlestation/a Penny to my Dr. Horrible/a Princess Peach to my Mario.” 57

Cheat code: “I’m a laid-back guy looking for an awesome girl to share ad-

HOW TO HACK YOUR ONLINE DATING PROFILE CONT’D.

ventures with.” The battlestation was blown up. Dr. Horrible accidentally kills Penny. And Peach is constantly running around other people’s castles. That is to say: avoid clichés and avoid hiding behind fictional characters. Be original and genuine . . . unless you truly do love piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. In that case, good luck with the pneumonia and alcoholism.

Standard playthrough: “Well, the first thing to know about me is that I was born in California, but then spent my whole life in Seattle, which means that I’ve been to Emerald City Comicon three times: once in 2008, once in 2009, then not again until 2011, and then I thought about going in 2012 but I ended up deciding to try for PAX tickets until they sold out, so I ended up having to throw together a costume at the last minute . . .”

Cheat code: “I’m from Seattle, which means I’ve got my pick of awesome cons to attend.” It’s not easy to condense your life story into a few sentences, but fight the urge to pen a Lord of the Rings–length epic about yourself. Most dating websites give you room to rant and ramble, but in the age of Web 2.0 and mobile browsing, lots of potential dates are checking out your profile on their smartphones. Provide just enough intriguing details to give them a good idea of who you are. You can cover the rest in person on that first date.

Standard playthrough: “I’ve had zero luck dating in meatspace and I’m trying this as a last resort, but I bet girls online are just as harsh and stuckup as IRL.”

Cheat code: “I’m an online dating n00b. Who wants to show me how awesome it is?” Yes, relationships are tricky, and when things don’t work out, you may be left jaded and cynical. But if that’s your opening line, why would anyone want to hear more? Don’t be like Rorschach in Watchmen, writing down all his sad, painful thoughts. Keep the negativity off your profile.

Standard playthrough: “I’m pretty into movies, music, video games, etc.” Cheat code: “I love Lord of the Rings and have watched the extended editions of the movies back to back. Twice.” This is probably the most important tip regarding the content in your dating profile: don’t hide your true self. If you’re afraid to admit that your ideal weekend consists of playing Dungeons and Dragons or that you obsess daily over the possibility of a zombie/robot apocalypse, don’t sweat it. If it sends someone running, chances are she wouldn’t have been right for you anyway. Let your geek flag fly, because someone will salute it. 58

Standard playthrough: “Not looking for anyone younger than 21, older

HOW TO HACK YOUR ONLINE DATING PROFILE CONT’D.

than 25, taller than me, or unable to speak Klingon. No redheads, no ‘drama,’ no fat chicks.”

Cheat code: “Are you funny, smart, and willing to laugh at my jokes? I’m sold.” There’s a difference between knowing what you want and providing a horribly long list of what you don’t want. Pre-jecting people with an itemized list of unwanted flaws means you might miss out on someone truly awesome because of one small quirk, and you’ll definitely make yourself look like a person with impossibly high standards— aka a tool.

Standard playthrough: “im just tryna find the right girl 4 me atm” Cheat code: Spellcheck. Every time. You may think typos and grammar gaffes make you seem more casual and relaxed. Or maybe you just suck at spelling. But dating sites have found that illiterate profiles get lower response rates. Spellcheck obsessively, and ask someone you trust to proofread your profile. TIP: If you have a friend who uses the website you’re signing up for, ask her or him to take a look at your profile and offer feedback. And if you find yourself looking at other people’s profiles for inspiration, stop. You want to stand out. Make your profile as unique and interesting as you are.

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THE BEST GEEK MARRIAGE PROPOSALS (AND WEDDING TIPS!)

If you’re lucky enough to be dating a geek, sooner or later your thoughts may turn to proposing marriage because, hello, that one’s a keeper. Unfortunately, the Internet has all but ruined marriage proposals: with all those stories and videos out there about epic geeky proposals, it seems everyone is out to top the last one and make their proposal go viral. Wanting to make a grandiose gesture that not only proves your love but announces it to the world—and all your potential competitors—is natural. But remember that, unless you work in Hollywood, getting married isn’t a promotional stunt. For a successful, romantic proposal that’s still geeky,keep in mind: 1. Your proposal should be the kind of proposal your part-

ner would actually want.

By E. C. Myers ecmyers.net @ecmyers

2. Your proposal should celebrate something geeky that is meaningful to both of you. By now, if you’re thinking of spending the rest of your natural life with this other person and combining bank accounts and book shelves and your collections of stuff, chances are you know your partner pretty well. Does she like attention, or would she be mortified by a public proposal? She might be a geek, but maybe she really wants a traditional proposal. Would he be upset if that life-changing moment took place at a comic book convention—in costumes? How does he feel about hidden cameras and becoming a YouTube sensation? Are you confident the answer you’re going to get is a yes? Once you decide on a private versus public proposal, you have to figure out how you’re going to pull this off. Some orchestrated proposals have all the moving parts of a successful bank heist, but others are less complicated. Think about the things that are special to you as a couple, which might hold special meaning for your relationship. Did you first bond over a certain comic book? Did you meet at a convention? Do you like to play the same video games together or like watching a particular show together? The answer

THE BEST GEEK MARRIAGE PROPOSALS (AND WEDDING TIPS!) CONT’D.

61

will point you in the right direction. Now consider your strengths and the resources available to you, of which money may only be a small component (Not everyone can code a video game from scratch and convince Ellen McLain to reprise the role of GLaDOS.) You might reach out to your friends and connected geeks for help, but remember to make the moment personal. The hope is that your partner will say yes no matter how you pop the question—everything else is just details. You aren’t going to turn a “hell no” into a “yes” just because you got Sir Patrick Stewart to ask for you. (Okay, bad example—that probably would seal the deal.) Planning the where, when, and how of your proposal is your chance to create a memorable experience: a story the two of you will tell for the rest of your lives together—or at least blog about on Tumblr. It should be special, since it’s going to become part of the narrative of your relationship . . . and, yeah, because maybe you’re trying to show off a little bit and impress friends and strangers. Nothing wrong with that. You could also opt to let the ring do the work for you. A geeky ring could be a perfect symbol of your commitment, but only if she adores it as much as you do. If your significant other has dropped hints about the kind of ring she has always wanted, freaking pay attention. Taste in jewelry is very personal, and, remember, she’s going to wear that thing possibly (well, hopefully) forever. Better yet, consider letting her design or pick out the ring she wants (you don’t need a ring to propose!). When you’re getting ready to propose, you’re going to be nervous—not necessarily because you don’t know what the answer will be, but because you’re worried something will go wrong with your intricate plan. Have a backup plan in case things don’t go the way you hoped—and if they don’t, you can either ask anyway or wait for the stars to align differently. Congratulations! Now you have a wedding to plan. You might be tempted to throw the geekiest wedding in the world, because all your friends are very geeky and all your family is very . . . understanding. But there’s a chance you will be pressured to have a traditional wedding, especially if someone else is paying for it. Or you both may decide that you’d rather be a bit more subtle. “Stealth geek” is very in, and you can add touches of your geekdom to everything from the table decorations and cake toppers to the musical selections, the program, and even your vows. You know what else is in? Compromise. Make sure the wedding, like your proposal—indeed, like everything from here on out, from the decorations in your home to the decals on the family car— reflects both your personalities. This is a celebration of you, not how much you love Star Wars. Besides, the Imperial Wedding March? It’s been done. (But, okay, it’s always awesome.) One last thing: Don’t forget your engagement photos! With the right photographer and a little creativity, your photos are a prime opportunity to go wild with your geekiness, whether you’re staging a zombie apocalypse, being chased by dinosaurs, or dressing up as superheroes.

THE BEST GEEK MARRIAGE PROPOSALS (AND WEDDING TIPS!) CONT’D.

62

E. C. MYERS proposed to his geeky wife by hacking a Gilmore Girls DVD. His first novel, Fair Coin, won the 2012 Andre Norton Award for Young Adult Science Fiction or Fantasy Book. You can find traces of him at ecmyers.net and on Twitter @ecmyers.

HOW TO CHOOSE A NAME FOR YOUR GEEK OFFSPRING From Sci-Fi Baby Names: 500 Out-of-This-World Baby Names from Anakin to Zardoz by Robert Schnakenberg

When you get right down to it, is naming your child after a character from Zardoz really any weirder than naming him after some goatherd who made a cameo appearance in the book of Leviticus two thousand years ago? (Which incidentally is where Robert comes from.) What are you going to call your little bundle of joy? Here are some options to consider.

Freeman (Lowell, Silent Running)

Hikaru (Sulu, Star Trek franchise) Kilgore (Trout, Slaughterhouse Five)

Lando (Calrissian, Star Wars episodes V–VI) Snake (Plissken, Escape from New York)

Ellen (Ripley from the Alien franchise)

Rick (Deckard, Blade Runner)

Sarah (Connor, the Terminator series)

Henry (“Hank” McCoy, one of the original X-men)

Jane (Jetson, The Jetsons)

MASCULINE NAMES Buck (Buck Rogers in the 25th Century)

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Adam (Mitchell, second Doctor Who companion)

TRADITIONAL NAMES

Aeon (Aeon Flux)

Yllana (Queen of Outer Space)

Aeryn (Sun, Farscape)

Talia (Winters, Babylon 5)

Sela (Star Trek: The Next Generation)

T’Pring (Star Trek)

Humungus (The Road Reed (Richards, The Warriror) Fantastic Four)

Heywood (Floyd, 2001: A Space Oddyssey)

Helena (Russel, Space: 1999)

Zira (Planet of the Apes)

Zaphod (Beeblebrox, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy)

Qui-Gon (Star Wars: The Phantom Menace)

Jor-el (Superman franchise)

Yori (Tron)

M’Ress (Star Trek: The Animated Series)

Ororo (Munroe, aka Storm, from the X-men franchise)

Surak (Star Trek franchise)

Gort (The Day the Earth Stood Still)

EXOTIC NAMES

Nova (Planet of the Apes)

INTELLECTUAL NAMES

Caesar (Conquest of Gazoo (the Great, The Barbarella (Barbarelthe Planet of the Apes) Flintstones) la)

POWER NAMES

Kaylee (Frye, Firefly)

FEMININE NAMES

HOW TO CHOOSE A NAME FOR YOUR GEEK OFFSPRING CONT’D.

HOW TO SHARE YOUR GEEKY PASSIONS WITH YOUR KIDS By Glen Tickle geekosystem.com @glentickle

If you have had or are expecting a baby, there’s probably a lot on your mind. Will I be a good parent? Will my baby be healthy? These are both great questions, but of course the most important question of all is this: Will my child be a geek? Great news! Baby brains are made of Silly Putty that can be pressed down onto the Sunday funnies of your choosing. Your little miracle’s head is full of wet cement just waiting for you to write on with a stick. In other words, it’s easy to steer them in the right direction.

Begin early. As in before birth. Some people recommend playing Mozart for babies in the womb, but the theme from Legend of Zelda is a much geekier option. Reading to your baby in the womb is another great approach, and there are proven benefits to reading to your children. But forget Pat the Bunny—read your kid Tolkein’s The Silmarillion before he’s incapable of crawling away. He’ll thank you later. TIP: If you really want to start your kid off right, have the opening fanfare from Star Wars cued up to play just as your baby leaves the birth canal. If you’re doing a home birth you could have the person catching the baby dress as Chewbacca, but know that most hospitals probably have policies against this.

Choose a geeky name. A geeky name will serve as a constant reminder throughout your child’s life of her origin story, but use something that can pass as a normal name to nongeeks and avoid anything too obscure, trendy, or topical. Your daughter will someday thank you for naming her Zelda, but your son Helix Fossil will stop speaking to you once he’s old enough to realize what you’ve done. TIP: See the excerpt from Sci-Fi Baby Names on p. 64 for suggestions.

Cancel your cable. This seems like a drastic step, but as a new parent you won’t have time for TV anyway. Services like Netflix and Hulu let you better control what your child watches, so you can all but assure they’ll never see The Wiggles. Instead, expose your baby to something you enjoy, because when kids latch on to something they do so in a big way. Thankfully, most of the stuff you loved as a kid is probably available somewhere on the Internet. TIP: Children can learn how to use a remote control at a frighteningly early

HOW TO SHARE YOUR GEEKY PASSIONS WITH YOUR KIDS CONT’D.

age. Swap out your original remote for one of the gesture-based models from the Wand Company, and don’t teach them how to use it. It will keep them from scrolling through menus, plus they’ll think you’re a wizard for at least the first few years of their lives.

Expose your kid to other geeks. You are your kid’s hero. He wants to be like you. If he sees you read comics, he’ll want to read comics. If you take him somewhere a lot of people are reading comics, he’ll realize that reading comics is something cool that a lot of people enjoy. Make sure you spend some time showing your little geekling that it’s okay to go out into the world too. Take him to events like conventions early on. He may not have the stamina to stay out on the floor all day to help you find that mint copy of Howard the Duck #16 or the attention span to sit through that Firefly panel you’re dying to see, but parenting is an exercise in sacrifice. If you make these events something your child enjoys going to early on, he’ll look forward to going back with you and it will become something special you can do together. TIP: Parent/Child cosplay options: Ash and Pikachu, Batman and Robin, Sarah and Toby from Labyrinth (or Jareth if you can pull off Bowie’s outfits), Jabba and Salacious Crumb, a Ghostbuster and a much smaller Ghostbuster.

Accept that she won’t like everything. Focus on giving your child the capacity for geekdom rather than on any one specific interest. Your baby may never love Star Trek, so teach her that it’s okay not to. Being a geek shouldn’t be about loving the right things. It’s about how you love the things you love. Be an example. Love the things you love, but don’t deride the things you don’t. TIP: You’ll also have to accept that at some point you will develop weird dad hobbies or mom interests. These may still fall under the realm of geekdom, but your child doesn’t really want to help you build your midlife crisis land speeder. She’s just humoring you.

Throughout this process, remember your goal: to give your child the ability to love something intensely, and proudly, without fear of not fitting in or being judged. He won’t take to everything you show him—just think of all the weird stuff your own parents are into. Expose them a wide range of things on the geek spectrum, and teach them to embrace the things they enjoy to the fullest. And if you follow these guides and your kid doesn’t turn out to be a geek, that’s okay too. At least you spent time reading together and teaching your child about all the things you love.

GLEN TICKLE is a writer, comedian, father, gentleman, Dr. Mario virtuoso, husband, and the senior editor of Geekosystem.com. He lives in New Jersey with his wife, daughter, and a dog named Elvis Costello. His daughter’s first word was “book.”

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WHO TO DATE:

GEEK DATING TIPS FROM KAIA, AGE 7 [Editor’s note: If you’ve followed the advice in this section correctly, you’ll likely end up with a creative, extremely literate kid who crafts essays like this one.]

First of all, date someone who likes the same things as you. Example: Date someone who likes Harry Potter if you like Harry Potter. You’re a geek, so find someone with glasses. If you’re a girl, wear a pencil in your hair.

WHERE TO GO ON YOUR DATE: If you are smart, go to a math center or just do math. Do mostly geometry. Or take a trip to a museum. Also, watch your favorite movie or show. Tip for girls and boys: Maybe, if you like, read a comic about superheroes, Superman, Krypton, or aliens.

HOW TO ACT: No crying on your date, because if you cry you’re gonna flood the room. Don’t randomly say “This date will go well.” Do something you will always remember—such as both of you saying “I’ll go get my pencil.” Girls, reach for your lipstick and, boys, get your breath spray ready . . . then kiss for five minutes and happily ever after, blah blah blah. Put on a romantic scene, or something like that, on TV. Think geeky. If you call a friend during your date, say “Come over tomorrow, I’m having a moment here.” Don’t say “Oh, come on over and we’ll do some math.”

OTHER TIPS: Don’t let a brother or sister ruin the moment (big or little sister or brother). DO NOT BE A FREAK. Dating can sometimes be a real pain, because you can get frustrated or mad. This is what happens when you’re in the love boat: one little mistake can cause a lot of chaos. Yes, kissing is allowed. If you did not know, I am telling you now. This is what you do not want on your date: yawns. Yawns are not allowed on a geek date, because that shows you’re bored.

OTHER IDEAS FOR YOUR DATE: Play chess or checkers to lift your spirits. Eat pretzels and drink orange juice if you’re hungry and thirsty. Or eat spaghetti with a long strand that you both eat, and then you kiss. Sometimes you want to hold back a kiss, but you can’t and it just comes out and happens anyway. Do not let that happen or nothing is romantic. You want to wait a little. And a kid might see you and think “Bleh!” Be respectful around children. Work on science after all that. If you want to, talk about plants or write a book. If you reeeeeeaaally want to, marry your date in a geeky wedding. THE END!

KAIA DUETT writes books and comics, sometimes even when it’s past her bedtime. Her current projects include How to Train a Pet and Dogs Are Mostly Good and Bad.

EPILOGUE

REQUIRED READING The ultimate lessons for geek life come from the geek canon itself. Generations of heroes— in comic books, movies, TV shows, and video games—have stepped up, struggled, and succeeded, and it’s up to us to follow their example. So we’ll close with some entertaining astuteness from great minds. Take these pieces of transmitted wisdom, live their truths, and never give up (never surrender).

“With great power comes great responsibility.” —Stan Lee, Marvel Comics

Read about this quote in Geek Wisdom: The Sacred Teachings of Nerd Culture edited by Stephen H. Segal

Spider-Man’s uncle told him this, and that’s why he became Spider-Man. George Washington realized it, too, and that’s why he decided eight years was long enough for anyone to be president of the United States. Tim Allen tried to dodge around it, and that’s why his dishwasher exploded. King David said to hell with it and had his lover’s husband killed, and that’s why he had epic family problems for the rest of his life. Paris Hilton seems oblivious to the very concept, and that’s why animal lovers have long been inclined to worry about her poor, poor dog. And Albert Einstein realized the full, inhuman horror of it—that’s why he wrote to Franklin Roosevelt to explain the possibility of an atomic bomb. Sure, the seed of the truism can be found in Luke 12:48 (“To whom much is given, much is expected”). But although the word of that uppity young Jewish carpenter from Nazareth may be eternal, it took an uppity young Jewish comic-book writer from New York City to put it in terms that ring true to the modern ear.

The original quote, from Amazing Fantasy # 15 (1962), is: “With great power there must also come—great responsibility!” Subsequent references rounded off the pretentious edges.

“Fantasy is the impossible made probable. Science fiction is the improbable made possible.” —Rod Serling

Read about this quote in Geek Wisdom: The Sacred Teachings of Nerd Culture edited by Stephen H. Segal

We geeks spend an inordinate amount of time defining and categorizing the ways in which we retreat to worlds that do not exist. Looked at closely, however, Serling’s variation on the distinctions usually drawn between fantasy and science fiction serves to underscore not the differences between genres but, rather, the similarities. In doing so, it ties geek culture together as a community of daydreamers. Intelligent daydreamers. Ultimately, we all want to see and experience worlds that are not our own. Our motivations may differ: we want escape; we want to envision what the world could be; we want to explore dreams both possible and impossible. Yet our need to daydream remains the same. Whether it stems from dissatisfaction with our lives or from an impulse to see shades of fantastic in an otherwise mundane world, one thing is clear: We geeks all share an important trait. It’s not just that we can imagine—everyone can—it’s that we’re not afraid to. Serling’s Twilight Zone, like the magazine Weird Tales that presaged it, inhabited a funky storytelling space where the tropes of science fiction, fantasy, and horror swirled around and through one another rather than maintaining rigidity. Over the past decade, geekdom has begun to break down those artificial barriers once again.

“The ship that flies without a thruster fails.” From William Shakespeare’s Star Wars (Act V, scene 4) by Ian Doescher

From William Shakespeare’s Star Wars by Ian Doescher

HAN SOLO

What value hath reward when one is kill’d? What benefit gives honor to the dead? To try the fight against that station, Luke, Is not good courage, rather suicide.

LUKE SKYWALKER

Then take thou care now, Han, thou Solo act, For certain ‘tis the part thou best dost play.

HAN SOLO

Nay, listen: may the Force be with thee, Luke. [Exit Luke.



The ship that flies without a thruster fails: Propulsion and direction must one have To navigate the obstacles of space. I know ‘tis true, as any pilot doth. Then how can I imagine that a man Can fly without a conscience as his guide? Without the inner compass of my soul, How can I vainly hope to pilot life? I know what ‘tis to choose the right and good, I know the small Rebellion’s cause is just, I know the people here have need of help, I know all this, but still do harbor doubt. Yet shall my doubts lead me unto this choice, And shall I choose convenience over right? Or shall I choose myself o’er my new friends? Aye, shall I choose rewards o’er my own soul? A smuggler’s heart doth keep calm time inside, No matter sways a pirate’s peaceful pulse. But something stirs in me I ne’er have felt: Is this a Rebel’s heart I feel within? [Exit Han Solo.