Stones in His Pockets

Stones in His Pockets Pockets   was first perfo performed rmed in Belfast Belfast at the Lyric Theatr Theatree on 3 June 1999. and was staged at the Tricyc Tricycle le

Theatre. London, in August 1999. It opene Theatre. openedd at the the New Ambassadors Ambassa dors Theat Theatre, re, London. on 24 M~y 2000. with the following following cast: JAKE QUINN CHARLIE CHARL IE CONLON CONLON  Dir ect or    Ia n   McElhinney Set Designer    Jack Kirwan  Lig htin g Des ign er    James C. McFetridge McFetridge

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Sean Campion ConlethHill

Characters C H A R L IE IE C O N L O N ,   mid thirties

J A K E Q U I N N ,   mid thirties

C H A R L I E   sttwIs sttwIs front front stage stage as  if   i f   queuing queuing up al a caterin cateringg truck.

d    JAKE   play all the otlu!r characters characters in the play: C HAR LlB   an d 

JAKE   is

S I M O N ,   first   A.D.   (Ambitious (Ambitious

CHARLIE. I'I'llll have the llemon emon meringu meringuee pie please please .•. I know know I was up before before but iit's t's not for me •.• it's for   my   mate ..• yes he is, is, he is an extra extra I swear •.. •.. he can't can't come and   get it himselff because he bas just himsel just sprained his ankle •.• okay •••

Dublin   4   type)

AISLING,   third A.D., young, pretty, pretty, anxious to impre impress ss those above   her;   no interest in those beneath MICKE~   a IDea/in   his  seventies,   was   an extra in  The Quiet M an English. quiet nature, not much C LEM.   the director; English. understanding understandi ng of the  !ocal  community

S E A N ,   a young local lad  \

FIN,   a young local,   Sean's  friend  C A R O L IN IN E G I O OV V A N N I ,   American American star  JOHN,   accent   coach

B R O IH IH E R G E R A RD RD ,   local teacher  DAVE,   a crew   member;   Cockney

J O C K C A M P B E L L .   Caroline's security man. Scottish

lounging in the sun. lounging

(To man behind him.)accide  don't there 's ?plenty plent .•. went ' (To  CATERBR.)   an   acc ident nt sbu,v report reportthere's sheet? sheet .•. yheleftoonly nly over on   it. it it's 's not life life threate threatening ning ....•• no be do doesn' esn't want a fun dinner he only wants the swee sweett ...   (To   11ftln   behind him.)   I know know we arc   only   meant to have one helping but it's not for me •.•   (To'CATBRBR.)   Look. I don't know   wh y  h e can eat a sweet and not his dinner   dinner   if   he's he's   S iB le.   what am I a doct doctor or or somethi something ng •.• the fella fella asked me to go and and get him a help helping ing of lemon lemon meri meringue ngue pie ... ... fine fine fine fine ... No  pr ob le m.   (Walks away.)

Jesus Christ the   Spani$h Inquisition   to get a bloody pudding. JAKE. They've got wise to the extras extras ••. first first couple   of days ones were bringing thei theirr families families down and feeding feeding them too •••   (Laughs.)   My   mate mate has spraine sprainedd his ankle ankle ••. not ver veryy good was   it •••   have you you Baltycasde Baltycasde men no .' imagination imaginati on .•. CHARLIE. How do you know I am fr from om BaUycastle? BaUycastle?

Setting

 A  scenic spot near a   small vi/lage in Co. Kerry

JAKE. You were in the pub last night talking to a few of the locals locals •.• small ttown, own, w ord gets round round .•.   lake   Quinn .• .•..  bo w ar e yo u do in ' C ha rli e.

..

,CHARLIE. is   this.,and   tthe he you caterer catere gett gettin' in' on he hwas trained   byWhat   th thee R.U.C Spe Speci cial allike B ranch ranc ••. ••. no   byr   the fear of gctt gcttin' in' homesick anyway.

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JAKE. How did you end up here. here.

JAIk    (to~.   tau   don't   Aave LV   U;;11me ••  lV~  dor •• want to •.• only making conve conversat rsation. ion.

  him). C H know A R L I E...  (furtively  around   Youligence? :mean you don't was there thereloola a break down in intelligence? intel

CH1\RLm. Aye, sor sorry ry mate, it was the lemon lemon meri meringue ngue pie int interr errogat ogation ion that got got to me .• .••• weill weill am on the run. sort of .•• had a vi video deo shOp that went bust •.. •.. them Extra Vision  ba sta rd s .•. I ne ve r he ar d on e pe rso n in B al ly ca stl e co m  pl ai n   to   me befor beforee the them m hure huress opened up .•• you know ..• if a video was out the ccustomem ustomem would take something else, no problem " •• the the big boys move in and gullible gullible Charlie here thinks thinks .•• my customer customerss are loyal.

JAKE. You're You're very jumpy.

CHAR LIE. Have to be man •.• •.••• I'm on the ron. SIMON. Aisling, get this lot back to work. Use a cattle prod if  you have to. What about tbese catering vans? AISLING. Just moving moving the them m now, Sinion. Thank you. (Gesturing (Gestur ing to vehicles. vehicles.)) SIMON. I'm going to get get Miss Miss Giovanni Giovanni from her Wmnebago now. AISLING   (third A.D.).   Quiet everyone settle ... please finish finish your lunch quickly before we lose the light ••. ••. the next shot is a closc--up closc--up on IeaCting to you ••• then we w ill turn the cameraa and have you rreact camer eacting ing to Maeve ... reme remember mber what you. are reacting reacting to ••. Maeve is te telling lling you she will plead your case to to her father ... remember your posit positions ions exactly and those those of you who were wearing caps ••. please please put them on. C H A R L I E   (to   JA JA K ! )).. W a s  t wearing a cap, I can't remember. J A K E  (smirla).   So you're on the run then.

JAKE. Look out, here here she comes comes ..• You were just just in front front of  m e b es es iidd e o u l M i ~ a n d yo yo u h aadd y oouu r hhaa t on on . CHAR LIE. Sure it does doesn't n't   rnatt«. MICKE'Y.   Oh it will surely matter, tbcy will check than Polaroid Polar oid and see for ssure ure who was wearing wearing what and you don't w ant to be gettin' gettin' yourself in trouble with your one wit withh the yoke on her ear ear ••• you have to keep your nose cle clean an for thon one bas a gob on bet that would tur turnn milk milk.. I

C H A R L I B   (puts his cap on).  Happy now, Mick Mickey? ey? MICKEY. Not me fell fella, a, I'I'm m only warning warning you, if you don't want to be replaced you do as you're bid ••• just say nothin' andJab. you will be forty quid a day the wiser, that's my  motto

CHARLIE. Keep your voice down.

JAKE. Aye right Mickey.

JAKE. On the run.

CHAR LIE. Right pai painn in the the ass.

CHARLIE. Aye.

JAKE (to CHARLIE). My mother mother's 's thi third rd cousin. cousin. D o you know that man's famous. He's the last surviving extra on   The started. Where were we ... Quiet Man .••   but don't get him started. aye the Extra Vision hures.

JAK E . On t h e mn f r om om wh o ?

CHAR LIE. The Boys ... under understa stand. nd. Jesus us ...... no mcssin' mcssin' • JAKE.   Jes CHAR LIE. Aye they they weren't bad th though, ough, they live   me  a head starl ..• ..• they says Charlie, we will clos closee our eyes and count count . to twenty twenty and you run like tthe he hammers ••• I tthought hought that it was very dacent.

CHAR LIE. Aye •.• I says to myself myself ... the theyy won't desert desert me ••• my cust customers omers won't desert me ••• 1 am one of  them, support your own and   a U   th that at •.. •.. tuc tuckk was I wrong ... (Mimics tMm.)   Charlie you have to have more. than two copi copies es of a video. video. Extra VISion bas loads •.. Charlie Charlie you want to see the the range Extra VISion has .•. .•. then they stopped

say saying ing anyth anything ing'' cos they they ju just st sto stoppe pped d com coming ing ... so I got got up one one morn mornin ing, g, all my p pla lans ns for the the ffut utur uree in a he heap ap of  outout-of of-d -dat atee movies movies I coul couldn dn't 't st star artt aall ll over over ag agai ain n . sta starte rted d all ove overr ag again ain so man many y times times I've los lostt count count this time I jus justt cou couldn ldn't 't do it ... ... so I close closed d the door door on the sho shop p .. .... vid videos eos still still on the shelve shelves, s, nothing nothing touc touched hed . thr threw ew the the tent tent in th thee bo boot ot and decid decided ed to do Irela Ireland nd . what about you.

repeatss badly badly). ).   I will speak to my faaath CAROLINE   (she repeat faaather, er, no ... ... I w will ill spe speak ak to my fe feth ther errr ... ... shit shit ...

JOH JOHN. N. No Caroline Caroline put your tongue behind your teeth. CAROLINE. CARO LINE. Thaaather. Thaaather. JOHN. JOHN. No ... No, yo your ur bot bottom tom teet teeth. h. CA CAROL ROLINE INE.. Faa Faaath ather er ... fet fetthe the ... ... fat fatttth ttther er ...  people will think it sounds ridiculous.

JAKE.. Well I can't follow that. JAKE CH CHARL ARLIE. IE. Ah don't don't min mind d me ... just just tho though ughtt I would would get it alll ou al outt at onc once, e, sav savee th thee lo local calss maki making ng it up for for m mee oh and the oth other er thing, thing, my my g girlf irlfrie riend nd dumped dumped me too too tal talk  k  abo about ut kickin kicking g a man when he is on the floor floor ... and yo you'l u'lll not believe this. JAKE.. She is going out with the manager of Extra Vision. JAKE Vision. CHARLIE. CHAR LIE. How did you know? JAKE. You told the story last night in the pub to a second  JAKE. cousin cousi n of mine.

shit shit ... ... the these se

JOHN. JOHN. Don't wor worry ry ... Car Caroli oline ne ... Ire Irelan land d is onl only y one pe per  r  cent of the market. CAROLINE. CARO LINE. I want want to get it right right John. CHARLIE   (to  JAK JAKE). E). I love that that,, huh ... hal halff of A Amer merica ica her heree is playing playing Irish peopl peoplee and they say I am the outsider. JAK JAKE. E. They promise promised d the ex extra trass wou would ld be local ... gorgeous.

she is

CHARLIE. CHARLI E. I got got it fair fair and square square ... saw th thee Ad, extr extras as wan wanted ted and they liked the look look of m mee ... pitc pitched hed my te tent nt an and d here here I am ... gr grea eatt mone money y and and fre freee gru grub b ... ... it it's 's a gif giftt ... Would Would you ... you k know now,, give h her er one one??

CHARLIE. CHARLI E. Jes Jesus, us, tha that's t's me and gin gin .. .... bad com combo bo ... any any-way, the the place is comi coming ng down with Hollywood Hollywood stars ... it's a who's who's who of who who's 's bonked bonked who, who, and me, Char Charlie lie Conlon Conlo n is a topic of convers conversation ation ...

JAKE.. No chan JAKE chance ce of getti getting ng near her.

JAKE. JAKE. We are us used ed to tha thatt lot ... taking jobs jobs we don't like.

SIMON Right, SIMON Right, let's go for this now. G Good ood morning, Caroli Caroline, ne, looking lookin g lovely this mornin morning, g, love those earrin earrings. gs.

it's it's outsider outsiderss coming coming in an and  d 

CH CHARL ARLIE. IE. Pla Place ce is comin coming g dow down n with with outsider outsiderss ... it's it's like like a  bloody circus ... there she is ... look ... me, Charlie Con Conlon lon only ten feet feet away fro from m Car Caroli oline ne Giovan Giovanni ni ... I'd  give her one alright. CAROLINE   and dialect coach coach.. CAROLINE   (as she crosse crosses). s).   Can I try the other earrings? These are too dingly, dangly.   (Practises.)   I will will spea speak k to my father, fathe r, you have suffered suffered enough. enough. JO JOHN. HN. You' You'rree doi doing ng great Carolin Carolinee ... rememb remember er alw always ays to sof soften ten the a; and elongat elongatee it ... I will will speak to my fat father her,, you have suffered enough. enough.

AIS AISLIN LING. G. Sim Simon on wil willl I bri bring ng Ror Rory y out yet? SIM SIMON. ON. No ... it's it's bloo bloody dy freez freezin' in' ... he w will ill go cra crazy zy hangin' hangi n' about. AIS AISLIN LING. G. Does Does Maeve not ne need ed to see him ... you kno know w the  big moment of electricity. SIM SIMON. ON. No ... he co comes mes over the hill jus justt as sh shee tuni tuniss awa away y from the mob. It's the next shot   (Flirting.)   silly girl. AIS AISLIN LING. G. I'l I'lll go get get his bl blank ankets ets ... and ha have ve him stan stand d by. SIMON. SIMO N. Hey Aislin Aisling. g.

ldSLING. ldSLIN G. Yes Simon. Simon. SIMON. SIMO N. What do you call a Kerr Kerryman yman with brains? brains? AISLING. AISLI NG. I don don't 't know Simon.

JOH JOHN. N. Fin Finee let's go to the pu pub b the nigh nightt ... mix wit with h the loc locals als ... get a fee feel. l. CAROLINE. CAROLI NE. Yea Yeah h ... yea yeah h I will ... I tthin hink k I woul would d qui quite te like that.

SIMON. Dangerous. JOH JOHN N .... .... They laugh. AISLING. AISLI NG. I don don't 't get it Simon. Simon.

SIMON. SIMO N. You will Aisling, Aisling, you will. CHARLIE   (to   JAKE). JAKE). What are we suppo supposed sed to do? JAKE.. Look at her lookin' JAKE lookin' at us looking looking dispos dispossesse sessed. d. CHARLIE. CHAR LIE. Dispo what? what? JAKE.. Like this. (JAKE JAKE (JAKE   demonstrates.) SIMON. SIMO N. Happy to go Carolin Caroline. e. Turno Turnover, ver, Speed Speed,, mark it alright Clem, ACTION. alright They look dispossess dispossessed, ed, music plays plays..

but b bee car carefu efull Car Caroli oline, ne, you can't can't be too ex exact act,, you

won't won't get awa away y wit with h it in Ho Holly llywoo wood, d, the they y won't won't understand. CA CARO ROLI LINE NE.. Holl Hollyw ywoo ood d is shit shit Joh John n ... a cr croc ock k of sh shit it . look look ar arou ound nd thi thiss plac placee ... ... god god it's ju just st he heav aven en on ea eart rth h . I llov ovee this this p pla lace ce I' I'm m thir third d genera generatio tion n you you know know,, on m my y moth mother er's 's si side de I do get get a real real feel feelin ing g of belon belongi ging ng here here you know that. You people are so simple, uncomp uncomplicated licated,, contented. CHARLIE   (to   JA JAKE). KE). It wou would ld found founder er you up here. That win wind d wou would ld cut the arse off ye. JAKE. JAKE. Be a whil whilee yet yet,, hav havee to tur turn n the camera camera on us. CHARLIE. CHARLI E. So then then it's us lookin' lookin' dis dispos posses sessed sed,, luking luking at he her  r  with loads of land land..

SIM SIMON. ON. Cut ... bea beautif utiful ul Car Caroli oline ne ... Sta Stay y in your your plac places es 'til 'til we check check the gate. gate. Som Someon eonee get Caroli Caroline ne a cup of coffee. coffee.

JAK JAKE. E. Nah Nah,, it's it's not us they want it's it's the Blas Blasket ket Isl Island ands. s.

JAKE   (to   CHARLIE CHARLIE). ). Terrible Terrible bloody bloody accent.

around)..   Bloody amazin CHARLIE   (looks around) amazing. g.

CHARLIE. CHARLI E. Doesn' Doesn't mat matter ter ... bee been n that many many film st stars ars  playing Irish leads everybody thinks that's the way we talk  now ... I h have ave my own film film here here ...

JAKE. JAKE. Yea Yeah h ... the they'l y'lll get a big sho shott of the Bla Blaske skets ts and th thee  peasants, then Rory comes over the hill behind us like he is wal walkin king g out of the sea. When When he has his lin line, e, the lot of us disappear, disapp ear, even the Blasket Blasket Islands. Islands.

JAKE. A Film? CHARLIE. CHARLI E. Yea Yeah h ... I sa satt in my shop day after day watc watchin hing g mov movies ies and I say sayss to mys myself elf ... Cha Charli rlie, e, you could could do that so I di did d .. .... here here it is ... ... and and he here re I am righ rightt smack smack in the mid middle dle of the people people that can make it happen happen ... I'll I'll choose choose my moment moment and wey hey. JAKE.. I'm impressed JAKE impressed Charlie. Charlie. CHARLIE. CHAR LIE. Don't grovel, grovel, you will have to auditi audition on like the res rest. t. CAROLINE. CAROLI NE. It' It'ss not righ rightt John ... I w want ant it to be be rig right ht ... the rhythm is wrong. wrong.

(second A.D.) A.D.)..   Q AISLING   (second Quie uiett everyon everyonee ... set settle tle ... tha that's t's a wrap wrap for the ext extras ras ... we wil willl pick this this up tomor tomorrow row aft aftern ernoon oon ... quiet quiet settl settlee ... I want want al alll the extr extras as in the turfturf-diggin digging g scene in cos costume tume by seven seven a.m. tomorrow mor mornin ning g ... and ma make ke sure yo you u leav leavee all costum costumes es in the the C Com ommu munit nity y ce cent ntre re don' don'tt be te temp mpted ted to go home home in them them ... qui quiet et ... ... se settl ttlee that that is al alll the the me men n in ssce cene ne 37 .... .. tomo tomorr rrow ow at se seve ven n a.m br break eakfa fast st wi will ll b bee fr from om six. six.

CHARLIE   has his scri script pt in his hand hand.. CHARLIE   (to  AISLI AISLING). NG). Excus Excusee me.