Part 2.
Welcome to the Wonderful World of Domestication
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Stilettos in the Kitchen
The Modern Girl’s Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess
Volume 1: How to Be Sexy and Savvy in the Kitchen… and in Your Life!
Stilettos in the Kitchen The Modern Girl’s Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess ISBN 978-0-9841778-0-6
First Edition Copyright© 2009 by Shanel Cooper-Sykes SCS Media Publishing, INC. New York, NY
Front and back photos and cover design by Jay Sullivan Edited by Vicky Florendo-Montenegro Design and Layout by Marc Montenegro Illustrations by Eugene David
This book is dedicated to My Mommy, My Big Brother, Lil’ Sister, and my Nephew… Dreams DO come true! And to every young woman who wants more out of life. The one who dreams. The one who yearns to release her greatness. This book is for you. Thank you.
Acknowledgments First, all praise be to God. I am truly blessed and highly favored— and for that I am grateful. There are so many people who have helped me along this journey, be it negative or positive. I have many people to thank! To my family, thank you. How could a girl be so lucky to have you? I draw from our unspoken bond. We are truly survivors. From Cancer to Katrina—nothing can break us! C. Thomas Gambrell, The Great! There is no way anyone would be holding this book if it wasn’t for you. Thank you for following your calling. Shelby and Simone, my Feminine Force! There is nothing like real support from real friends. Luther, did you ever think that Café Shane could impact someone’s life so much? Thank you for just being you. Mr. Anthony Clouden, thank you for harboring a superstar! Jay Sullivan, you rock! Vicky and Marc, thank you for all your hard work. You are the true definition of make it happen! Debrena Jackson Gandy, it was your book that sparked my flame. Thank you. Carl, through it all, thank you for believing in me. Chance, little do you know that you were the first person to buy my book.
Domestic Goddess, Defined
DOMESTIC –adjective 1. of or pertaining to the home, the household, household affairs, or the family: domestic pleasures 2. devoted to home life or household affairs 3. tame: domesticated GODDESS –noun 1. a female god or deity 2. a woman of extraordinary beauty or charm 3. a greately admired or adored woman
Far beyond the traditional cookbook, Stilettos in the Kitchen is a guide to being sexy and savvy in the kitchen—and in your life! This extraordinary read explores every aspect of feminine empowerment. From finance to romance, beauty tips to culinary skills, all the way to creating your perfect body inside and out, Stilettos in the Kitchen will show you how to sizzle and serve up the good life! For the fabulous single girl and the wife who wants to spice up her marriage, Stilettos in the Kitchen will create a lifestyle movement for those yearning to live a more purposeful and juicy life.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR Shanel Cooper-Sykes is a twenty-something, self-taught Renaissance woman. She is a lifestyle coach, professional makeup artist, sought-after speaker, and a magnificent cook. Stilettos in the Kitchen was born when she realized her gift of domestication, independence, and fabulousness that was uncommon for average young women to possess.With book shelves lined with “I am woman hear me roar” books, Shanel decided to combine her coaching skills, love for cooking, and beauty expertise to write a book that fills and bridges a generational gap in women’s empowerment books. Shanel believes that her purpose in life is to share her gifts to motivate those who want to live a fierce and fabulous life. She uses her sassy in-your-face style to spread her vision of a new kind of empowered woman—a Domestic Goddess. She works and plays in New York City.
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Table of Contents My Story Introduction Who is the Domestic Goddess?
ix xiv xviii
Part I. Basics of being a Domestic Goddess
Chapter 1: I Love Me Chapter 2: The Essence of a Woman Chapter 3: K.I.S.S. Chapter 4: Stiletto Body Chapter 5: Love Isn’t Blind Chapter 6: Money Matters
2 12 20 38 54 73
Part II. Welcome to the Wonderful World of Domestication
Chapter 7: How to Boil Water Chapter 8: Kitchen Necessities Chapter 9: Goddess Etiquette Chapter 10: Shanel’s Secret Recipes
84 89 111 122
Part III. Unleash your Inner Goddess
Chapter 11: Gold Diggin’ 101 Chapter 12: When the Queen is Ready, the King will Appear Chapter 13: Put the Pole in the Kitchen Chapter 14: Living a Delicious, Juicy Life
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143 148 158 167
My Story
I
n 24 hours I changed my life. Everything seemed wonderful in the picture perfect word I had created for myself. I was just beginning to experience my twenties; making money; driving a fancy car; living in a fabulous loft; having the best clothes, shoes, and jewelry. You name it—I had it. I was living between Milwaukee and Chicago working as a model and make-up artist and had all the trappings to show for it. I was the true definition of young and fabulous! In my head, I had it going on—until I woke up one morning and my spirit just felt heavy! I said to myself, “I’m not happy. I don’t want to be here.” I had no idea why I was unhappy, where I wanted to go, or what I was going to do. I just knew that I did not want to be where I was; I did not want to be doing what I was doing. Despite all the glam and glitter that made my life look so good on the outside, in reality I was ix
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miserable! My rent, car note, and every bill in my name were behind. Even though I was making great money, I never paid my bills on time. I was in a relationship with a man who I really didn’t want to be with, and I felt empty and powerless every single day. My spirit was telling me that something had to change—immediately! I wanted to pursue my dreams and live a purposeful life—even though I wasn’t quite sure what that meant for me. Up until that point, I thought I had been doing the right thing. At 7:30 on that fateful morning, I decided to listen to my spirit. My heart said I needed to move, but my mind asked, “And go where?” So I flipped a coin: heads to New York, tails to Los Angeles. It landed on heads. Next thing I knew, I was on the phone telling people that “I’m moving, and I’m selling my stuff...” In about five hours everything was sold. My dishes, clothes, furniture, the art off my walls—everything. I put my apartment keys in an envelope with a note to my landlord and drove my leased car back to the dealership. I called my family; they thought I had completely lost my mind. I took the money that I made from selling everything, packed one suitcase, and went to the airport. It was about 9:30 in the evening when I got a one-way ticket to New York City. I had no idea where I was going, what I was going to do, or why I was doing it. I also didn’t know a soul in New York. But I’ve always been known for doing wild, spontaneous things which usually don’t make sense to other people. I call it following my intuition. (And I will show you how to do that later on in the book.) At this point my dreams started conjuring up visions of the good life in Harlem, being a mover and shaker in New York City, and playing with the big boys! These were my only plans: stay in a hotel, ride the trains, check out some neighborhoods, and set up shop. x
My Story
One day I wound up in Brooklyn and walked past a restaurant called Café Shane. The owner was outside, sweeping. I stopped and asked, “Excuse me, do you know where I can find an internet café? I need to look for an apartment.” That moment turned out to be complete divine intervention: As it turned out, the owner had a friend who had an apartment for rent, and I went to check it out. The entire apartment was the size of my old bedroom—talk about tiny! And it was raggedy as hell. I thought to myself, “Hell, no. There is no way on God’s green earth am I going to live in this shoebox.” I proceeded to venture uptown over the next few days to take my pick of a legendary Harlem Brownstone or a fancy New York loft—like the ones I saw on TV. But my little bubble quickly burst when I realized that the $6,000 rent they were asking for was nowhere close to my budget. Reality Check 101: That Brooklyn shoebox was starting to sound good. I took the apartment and after two months of trying to figure out why the hell I moved to New York—with no job, no friends, and nowhere to go—I started to get depressed. It was the beginning of winter and New York can be a cold and lonely place when you don’t know anyone. So I turned to the two things that I thought could keep me sane: drinking and cooking. I found myself sitting in my apartment for weeks at a time, cooking huge meals and collecting empty bottles of wine. For some reason, cooking made me feel better, and the wine—well, that’s another story. But I knew I had to do something with myself—and fast—or I was going to find myself on the streets of New York! Sometimes I got an occasional make-up job or modeling gig, but I was starting to believe that New York was not where I was supposed to be. A year of doing absolutely nothing with my life had flown by. I was xi
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terribly unhappy! So I packed all my things, sublet my apartment, and went on a hideous trip back to the Midwest. I thought that a trip back to “my roots” would help me figure out what the hell I was doing with my life. But that didn’t work, too. I wasn’t happy there either; I was staying with a friend doing the same things I was doing in New York: drinking and cooking. Then it hit me: Something very drastic had to change in my life—and that something was me! All this time, I had been looking for happiness in all the wrong places. I thought that a bomb apartment, a nice car, a man, and a killer collection of stilettos were all I needed to have a fabulous life. I never learned how to really love myself—or what living a purposeful life really entailed. Or even what it meant. All the unsettling feelings of unhappiness and anxiety trapped inside me were mere manifestations that my spirit needed some attention. From that moment, I made a complete mental shift. Instead of running away from my problems, I started to face them and deal with the internal things that were blocking me from truly living the purposeful, fabulous life that I always wanted. I started to focus on cleansing my life, finding out who Shanel Cooper-Sykes really is—and what she really wanted. I began a journey of self-love and exploration. I began to groom and shape my life so I can use my God-given gifts, talents, and abilities—and find my purpose. I figured out my worth and turned to my womanly instincts to improve my relationships—and attract men who truly deserve my time and attention. I learned how to manage my finances and be in complete control of my life. And along the way I used cooking as my friend and mentor. xii
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My journey of self-love and discovery unfolds and intensifies every single day! I love my life; I love my journey; and most of all, I love myself. Yes, I am madly, passionately in love with Shanel Cooper-Sykes! And it feels so good. I am finally able to wake up in the morning and say, “I am happy.” I stopped existing and I started living: Living a fabulous life full of love, purpose, happiness, and of course, plenty of sky-high stilettos.
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Introduction
Y
our life is one big recipe! Think about it: A recipe is a list of essential ingredients, with the instructions on how to use these to prepare a possibly delicious outcome. Well, ladies, that’s all this life is! You just need to find your perfect recipe. Think about all of the things that you want and need for your life to be fulfilled, complete, and happy. Imagine living your life with all of your desires. What does that look like? Write it down. Type it on your computer. Create a vision board. (No worries, I’m going to show you how to create one.) Start clarifying exactly what it is you want so you can create your perfect recipe. Once you get a clear picture of what it is you want, start thinking about the ‘ingredients’ you need to turn your recipes into realities— like a cup of courage, a heap of focus, and a dash of restraint when it xiv
Introduction
comes to spending unnecessary money. Maybe you need an ounce of patience when working out to get your perfect body or when trying to attract your soul mate. Or even a generous serving of self-reflection so you can find the guts to get out of your dead-end job and find a career that pays the bills but also nourishes your soul. What spending habits do you need to change to save money or fund your dreams? What useless waste of your time—sitting in front of the T.V. for hours on end, mindlessly surfing the Internet or running your mouth on the phone gossiping—can you cut loose to find time to exercise? When are you ever going to make the move toward finding a ‘do-right’ man that will treat you like the queen that I know you are? Once you have all of your “ingredients,” start your prep work—all of that chopping, dicing, mixing, and blending that you need to do to get the satisfying, delicious final result you want. Chop up your budget. Dice up your schedule. Mix in some new activities to increase your skills. Blend in new people who add value to your life. Once everything is prepared, start cooking! Take on as much of your personal recipe as you feel you can handle. Start out by following one step at a time, pacing yourself, and following the instructions you’ve laid out carefully and methodically. When you take this approach, you won’t feel overwhelmed. The process will feel natural, not like something you’re trying to rush. Along the way, you’ll be knocking out the smaller goals and building your confidence along the way. Smell that? That’s success coming out of the kitchen of your personal dreams. It’s starting to smell pretty darn good, right? But you’re not done yet. Now you need to let it cool. Step back a moment—take some time to evaluate where things stand. Did you use all of your ingredients? Did you have to improvise, make a few xv
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substitutions here and there along the way? That’s okay. Even the best recipes for success require a little tweaking. Ahhhh. Now it’s done. You’re ready to savor the end result of all of your hard work. Voila! Welcome to your perfect outcome—and it’s just as delicious and satisfying as you wanted it to be! Now this process doesn’t happen overnight. Changing your life is like a good marinade, you have to give it time. You also have to be realistic about where you are. Some of us have more work to do than others, so patience, persistence, and determination are key ingredients for you to have. If Bill Clinton was still in office the last time you hit the gym, aiming for a Beyonce-like body by next month is an incredibly unrealistic goal. And hell, you just might kill yourself in the process! Pace yourself. Following that recipe one step at a time will eventually lead to a delicious outcome that you will devour with much gusto.
Why I Wrote this Book Stilettos in the Kitchen is a metaphor for life. I truly believe that, as women, our power lies in our ability to create. The ability to create life. The ability to create a meal. The ability to create opportunities. We are the vessels of life. The nurturers of the earth. The substance that makes the world go round. Stilettos in the Kitchen isn’t just about being sexy in the kitchen. It’s about transforming your life. I want you to change the way you see yourself. I am going to give you lessons not only in the kitchen but in every aspect of your existence. Yes, this book will definitely teach you how to keep it hot, how to cook, how to be sexy and ridiculously fabulous! But that’s not all that makes a woman powerful. This book will teach you how to have substance and control over your xvi
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life. This book is a true one-stop shop to getting your mind, body, spirit, money, relationships, and life in order. I want to show you how to be a real empowered woman! I am going to reignite the traditional roles of womanhood. The roles that made us influential mothers, loyal wives, and homemakers. The roles that allowed us to have real love, real families, and real happiness. I’m also going to show you how to be selfsufficient, dominant, and fulfilled at home and in the world. I’m going to teach you to use your God-given gifts, talents, and abilities to live your dreams—and how to be financially ABLE to live as fabulously as possible, with or without a man. I want to show you how to have charm, etiquette, and grace to enhance the essence of your femininity. I am going to teach you to fall madly, passionately in love with yourself so you can then find, feed, and love the man of your dreams. In the chapters that follow, I’ll show you how to recreate yourself, inside and out. And through it all, you’ll learn how to be a better, more authentic version of yourself—a woman who knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to go out and get it! Now let’s start the transformation so you can cross over to the world of a Domestic Goddess. Are you ready? Create your recipe for life! Take a deep breath, relax, and turn the page to start your journey…
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“Said the woman to her Inner Power, ‘Come out, come out, wherever you are.’”
~Debrena Jackson Gandy
Who is the Domestic Goddess? A Domestic Goddess is a woman of extraordinary power, beauty, great intellect, and confidence. She moves through life with ease, grace, and gratitude. She is extremely seductive —she knows what she wants and knows exactly how to get it. Her family and close friends are some of her sources of power, so she takes pride in nurturing “home” and looking after all of the people who add value to her life. She has extremely high standards and only expects the absolute best from herself and others around her. She exudes femininity and completely embraces her sexuality —she honors her king without compromising her own wants, needs, and desires! Alignment with her inner joy and consistent nurturing of what energizes and renews her mind, body, and spirit—her inner home— are a top priority. And most importantly, the Domestic Goddess is madly, deeply in love with herself, which allows her the magnitude to love others unselfishly and, in return, receive love unimaginable to the average person. It is every woman’s birthright to be a Domestic Goddess!
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Part 1
Basics of Being a Domestic Goddess 1
1
I Love Me
Receiving the love you deserve from others starts with loving yourself
I
t was the middle of a beautiful summer with lots of parties and fabulous shindigs to attend—so fresh pedicures and peep-toe stilettos were a must. I was in one of those fancy spa pedicure chairs, enjoying my generic massage as my nail tech groomed my toes for display. Next to me was a stylish young woman who obviously took very good care of herself. She was dressed to the nine—with a Gucci purse sitting on her lap, Tiffany bracelets dangling off her wrists, “Juicy” dazzling in rhinestones across her chest, and make-up as flawless as the girls at the MAC counter. She seemed to really have her ish together. We exchanged eye contact for a second, and she gave me a very quick, unconvincing smile. Being naturally inquisitive, I sparked a conversation with her. I was really nosy. I wanted to know what she did, where she lived, and who her man was (for her to be laced in all that fancy stuff!). But something about her energy 2
I Love Me
was off; she had emptiness in her voice and a glare of unhappiness in her eyes (at least from what I could see behind her false lashes.) She went on and on about where she shops and how she has to force herself to make time to get her hair done every week because she is so busy. I didn’t ask, but she told me how much she hated her job; how tight money is; and how she has to go out on the weekend to “let loose” or else her life would be a wreck. Then she proudly declared, “Yes girl, I have to take care of myself. Self-love is so important.” I didn’t realize it at that moment, but the emptiness in her voice and the sadness in her eyes were calls for help— which no one, but her, could answer.
Give a Little Self-Love “I love me” has become the modern girl’s theme song, but we’ve allowed the message and true meaning of that affirmation to become twisted and superficial. Sorry to burst your bubble, sweetheart, but going to the spa, getting your hair and nails done, or taking yourself shopping does not mean you love yourself. That is pampering. And pampering yourself when you don’t have any money is definitely not self-love. A lot of women think taking care of yourself on a complete outer physical level equals self-love. The reality of that is you’re just patronizing the spa, the mall, and your hair stylist—just to stay visually appealing to the world. Your hair is whipped and your clothes are crisp; meanwhile, your spirit is left screaming for attention. Self-love is the most misunderstood type of love. Self-love means making your wellbeing priority number one. It means giving your mind, 3
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your body, and your spirit what they need—when they need it! It means taking time to stop the perpetual motion of your life and giving your spirit a chance to catch up with your body. Self-love means appreciating your physical body for all that it allows you to do and honoring your mind for the decisions that it allows you to make. It means examining your values and beliefs and not compromising your self-worth to satisfy anyone else’s expectations. Self-love is loving yourself the way you want to be loved by someone else. It is making the time to do the things that you want your man, your children, your friends, and your family to do for you. It means speaking to yourself with respect, listening to yourself and your intuition, and treating yourself like the queen that you are. As women, we spend 80 percent of our lives taking care of others: our husbands, children, parents, our bosses, our homes, our bills. And most of the time, everyone and everything else is being nourished, recharged, and loved long before we take a moment to recharge and nourish ourselves. It’s disempowering when you let everyone and everything else feed from your half-empty cup of life. Then you wonder why you’re always tired; why your body is carrying the excess weight that’s affecting your confidence; why you never seem to have enough money; why you always have a headache or get irritated easily; why your sex life is as boring as watching paint dry—and why you are not experiencing deep, passionate love in your life! Commit to yourself! You deserve it. Self-love is the beginning of living an abundant, purposeful, fulfilled, and fabulous life. Before you can honestly say you are expressing ongoing self-love, you have to define what those two words—self and love—mean to 4
I Love Me
you. Who are you, and how do you need to be loved? What does “love” mean to you? It takes some soul-searching, some exploring, and an abundant life experience to fully understand what love really is. It takes listening to your heart, understanding your body, and knowing what nourishes your soul. It takes being honest with yourself and forgiving yourself for all of the times that you did not honor your body, mind, or your spirit. And most importantly, it takes making a commitment to always practice self-love.
A Few Ways to Practice Self-Love Listen to your body. So often we ignore the messages our bodies are telling us. When we have a headache or feeling a little weird, we’ve gotten so accustomed to just popping a Tylenol and moving on. In essence, this is just telling your body to “shut up.” You’re saying, “What you’re feeling now isn’t important, let’s keep you quiet so I can continue doing everything but pay attention to you.” Listening to your body means literally hearing what it’s telling you it needs. Maybe that headache is a call for hydration or nourishment. Or that pain in your stomach could be a warning that your body is being overworked. Or those butterflies could be your intuition telling you that you need to do something different. Practice listening to your body and understanding what it needs. Here’s an exercise that will begin to cultivate your listening skills: Wear light clothes and go barefoot and lie on the floor. Let the floor hold your body up and feel your surroundings. Listen. Wiggle your toes, squeeze your muscles, breathe deeply, and just listen. Say “thank you” to your body for allowing you to move, walk, speak, and think. It may 5
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not feel like you’re doing anything, but with practice, your body will soon appreciate the fact that it’s being acknowledged. You will begin to see a difference in how you feel, think, and act. And your inner voice will become louder and louder as you begin to listen. Do this twice a day: 10 minutes in the morning and 10 minutes at night. Speak to yourself with respect. Watch your words! Your body listens to what you say. We are cautious to speak to others with respect and kindness, yet we speak to ourselves with words of discouragement and criticism. We say things like, “I’m fat,” “I’m broke, I never have any money,” “I can’t do that,” or “This is too hard for me.” Instead of saying “I am fat,” say “My body is holding on to excess weight and I am in the process of releasing it.” Don’t say “I’m broke, I don’t have any money.” Instead, say “I am temporarily low on money, but money flows to me easily and freely so more is coming my way.” Say “I love you” to yourself; look in the mirror and say it everyday. Tell yourself that you are amazing, powerful, and beautiful. Remind yourself that you deserve to have the things you want and that you are going to receive them. Tell yourself, “Day by day, in every way, I am getting better and better.” Speak to yourself with love, compassion, and belief. If you don’t, who else will? Read. You can only do what you know. And in order to do something different with your life, you have to learn something new! Read. Pick up a book that will enhance your life. Start reading about money and finance, relationships, or how to communicate more effectively. Read the autobiography of a person you admire. Hell, pick up an old high school textbook and pretend you are in school again. Most people stop 6
I Love Me
learning once they finish high school or college and then just exist with the knowledge that they have. This is how we get on the “treadmill” of life—doing the same things over and over again and getting the same results. Enhance your skills and knowledge so you can get more out of life. Be self-FULL. Notice how flight attendants say, “Put your own oxygen mask on first?” Do you ever think about what will happen if you helped others before you had one on? Ah yes, you’d be in big trouble! This is true in life off the plane as well. You have to be full before you can give to someone else. This means saying “No” when someone asks to borrow money and you have bills that are due. Saying “No” when someone wants to hang out when you are tired and don’t have any energy. Not answering the phone at 2:00 a.m, when your best friend calls crying about her sorry boyfriend. Why? Because you need your rest. Learn to be full before you give. This is one of the main ingredients of selflove. Always remember: You have to fill up your own cup so you can overflow into the lives of others. Romance yourself. This may sound weird, but have you ever taken yourself out on a date? Do you know what it’s like to be in your own company? This is one of the best ways to 1) understand how you act when you’re in the presence of a man and 2) allow yourself to find out how you’d like to be treated when you’re dating or in a relationship. If you don’t know what you like or how you want someone to make you feel, then how will that person know? Send yourself some flowers in your own workplace. Go to a fancy restaurant and enjoy a meal and a nice glass of wine. Give yourself a massage, touch your own body. Go 7
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to the movies or a theme park alone. You will discover so much about yourself. You will learn how to enjoy your own company—which is how you begin self-love.
Mental Discipline To discover what is truly in your heart and soul and to manifest ultimate desires, you’re going to have to tell the mental chit-chat in your brain to shut up. That endless conversation that goes on and on in your head is mostly garbage. It’s a reaction to all the stimuli experienced in the modern world: television, billboards, advertising, iPods, honking horns, even your girlfriend’s nagging. That is why prayer and meditation, time with nature, or—in my case—time in the kitchen, is so important. It gives you a chance to discover the real meaning of your thoughts. And when you understand what you’re thinking, it’s easier for your intuition to rise to the surface and give you the guidance you need to follow your heart. When was the last time you sat down and truly tried to understand your thoughts? Explore this right now. After this paragraph, close the book and try this exercise. Picture this: You have the me, myself, and I. Imagine yourself in an all-white room with nothing but two white chairs. The me (your physical body) is sitting in a chair, looking across the room, silent and listening. The self (your thoughts) is on the other side of the room, in another chair, talking. Now just be quiet and listen. What are you saying? What do you want? Whatever your thoughts are, that is who the I will be. Your thoughts become things! So when you can control your thoughts, you’re in control of your life. Your mind and thoughts are shaping your reality—literally. If you 8
I Love Me
are thinking about all the drama in your life, the bills, problems with your man—that is probably your reality. Mental discipline is so vital because you have the power to change any circumstance in your life in an instant. Ever wonder why you just can’t stop eating those chips? Or make yourself work out on a regular basis? Its because you have allowed your body to take control of your mind, instead of having your mind control your body. The me and the self are under hypnosis by the media, friends, and all the noise because of your lack of mental discipline, which causes you to be influenced and controlled by everything around you. Now close the book and see if you can connect with yourself and listen to your thoughts. It may be difficult if this is your first time—so take as long as you need.
Emotional Responsibility Feelings are one of the most difficult things to understand and work with in life. A good place to start is to realize that you are responsible for your own emotional wellbeing—not daddy, not mommy, not your man, not your best friend, and definitely not Jack Daniels or Ben and Jerry. Stop pointing the finger outward and point it at yourself. Better yet, wrap your arms around your shoulders, waist, or knees and give yourself a big hug. Feels good, right? Be kind to yourself. Nurture yourself. Love yourself. Make friends with your emotions and understand that they come and go like the breeze. Emotions are not who you are—they are fleeting feelings that are a result of different circumstances. They are experiences that you can ride like a wave once you stop fearing them. Learn to embrace them; you have to learn how to feel your feelings. In the midst of an 9
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emotional takeover, like extreme anger, sadness, or even joy and happiness, completely stand still and recognize what you are feeling. A great technique that works for me is whenever I am angry or extremely happy, I ask myself, “How are you feeling and why?” Then I tell my body if it’s allowed (or not) to embrace these feelings. Sometimes, without your mental permission, your feelings will take control of you and your life—without you even realizing it.
Goddess
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NEVER LET ’EM SEE YOU SWEAT A true Goddess never wears her emotions on her sleeve. Fear, anxiety, discouragement, disappointment, shyness, or any other emotion that shows vulnerability should be tucked away until you are behind closed doors. Never let people see you sweat! If they can’t help you, like a mother or a close friend can, then you should always maintain your composure—like the Goddess that you are!
Body Beautiful The reality is that good health starts in the mind, moves through your thoughts, ignites the spirit to action, and becomes life in motion. True beauty comes from the cultivation of your inner glow and is optimized by a healthy lifestyle. We’ve all heard people say, “She’s pretty but she’s got an ugly personality.” Or “I don’t know what it is, but there’s something about her I like.” A vibrant inner glow trumps a tight body any day, but an inner glow and a tight body, whatever shape that may be, are both ageless and timeless—the true nature of a Goddess. Physical 10
I Love Me
beauty is something that is developed over time. It doesn’t have much to do with genetics. I have seen many “aesthetically” beautiful women who look terrible: Their skin is rough and dull. They have permanent frown marks on their forehead. They have no “fire” in their eyes because it has been put out from living such an unfulfilled life. Inner beauty comes from having real joy and passion in your life. And when you have real joy and passion, it seeps through your pores and gives you an undeniable physical attraction. Your skin glows, your smile radiates, your walk is confident, and you just have an inner peace that other people can’t help but notice. How well are you loving YOU? Answer these questions honestly. This is for you; there is no “point” system. I want you to really reflect on your level of self-love. And look at the areas you need to improve on.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Do you sometimes feel empty and unfulfilled? Are you okay with being by yourself? Do you overeat at times when you’re feeling sad or lonely? Are you in control of your finances? Do you tell yourself that you are beautiful? Do you get easily irritated by other people? Do you get tired or sleepy in the middle of the day? Do you keep your hair and your nails done even when you can’t afford to? Do you accomplish the goals that you set for yourself? Are your thoughts often jumbled and confused? Do you exercise your body—and your mind?
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The Essence of a Woman Champion your feminine powers
W
omen are some of the most powerful creatures on this planet. We are the strength behind the force of the universe. We are given physical and mental gifts that no other species or gender has been blessed with. We are magnets of the eye, the substance of the household, and the gentle touch in this harsh world. Embracing the essence of being a woman means loving every single cell in your being, every single curve on your body and understanding that you are human, while completely accepting your femininity. However, before you can totally embrace the essence of being a woman, you must first know the roles of a woman. Mother We are the givers of life; we carry a growing human being in our wombs
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for nine months, introducing them to the world through the miracle of childbirth. However, being a mother is more than just about biology. As mothers, we connect to our children, acting as their protectors, teachers, mentors, and advocates. We love our children fiercely and want them to reach their full potential and find ultimate happiness. Lover The feminine mystique has led many a man to renounce his throne, give up his fortune, and abandon his countrymen. Yes, a woman’s sexuality and sensuality are a powerful force, indeed; it is life-affirming and a source of unimaginable pleasure. As a lover, it is a woman’s role to give herself to her partner selflessly, to harness her sensual power to please her mate, and tap into what arouses her—with the goal of mutual maximum satisfaction, of course. Sister A woman who is lucky enough to have a female sibling has a bond like any other. Sisters have an eternal friendship that is encoded into their DNA—they know things about each other that no one else does, they understand behaviors and attitudes, and appreciate one another’s talents and flaws. Aunt The ultimate mentor, a good aunt is a teacher for her nieces and nephews. She bestows praise and disciplines when necessary. She is a sounding board for ideas and grievances that can’t be discussed with mom and dad. She is a co-conspirator, a loyal ally, and a knowledgeable resource.
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Boss A woman running things is a force to be reckoned with. She is confident, calm, and graceful under pressure. She is a problem-solver, an organizer who knows how to bring out the best in her employees and deals with crises with style and poise. She gets the job done, using resources creatively and resolving conflicts diplomatically—all while keeping a firm eye on the bottom line. Employee She is a team player, a valuable asset, a complete professional. She always gives it her all, isn’t afraid to tell it like it is, and uses her considerable talents to benefit her employer. Friend A true friend is honest, trustworthy, and loyal. She’s not about to let you get down on yourself or endure an abusive situation. She’s the person who comes to pick you up, no questions asked, offers you a place to stay, a shoulder to cry on, and an ear to listen to your troubles. She shares your laughter, offers companionship, and encourages your dreams. As women, we can be all of these things and more! But before we can fulfill these roles, we need to embrace our “authentic selves.” When you are authentic, the need to adapt becomes effortless because of how gracefully and easily you can flow through life. You know your own center and can play all of your roles because you are not neglecting yourself.
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Give a Woman a Pair of Stilettos and She Can Rule the World! Women have more opportunity in the world today than ever before. Hell, we can even run for President! Think about what the world was like years before our time—women couldn’t get PHDs, run corporations, or even vote. We have so many modern conveniences that a lot of us take for granted. Your grandmother didn’t have a Blackberry or a personal computer; she probably couldn’t even drive, let alone have access to a car of her own. The door of opportunity was firmly closed. Women’s sole responsibilities back then were to cook, clean, take care of the house, and raise the children, yet most of them still managed to look good while they did it. Somehow we have forgotten about these roles. We have become accustomed to having everything we want that we’ve forgotten how to cultivate family, how to love and really take care of our men. (Which we will discuss further in Part Three.) Nowadays, we can do all of those things and still live our dreams, have a wonderful career, and be powerful. You can actually bring home the bacon, fry it up in the pan, and serve it to the love of your life! There is absolutely nothing out of your reach. With the click of a button, you can connect to anyone on the face of this planet. With the mere stroke of a key, you can get an answer to any question your mind can possible think of. Heck, for $59 (if you know where to look) you can fly anywhere in the world you want to go. There is absolutely no excuse not to be living the life that you want. Yes, it is really possible to be a good Mother, Wife, Lover, Friend, and Sister—and be CEO, doctor; get your PHD; drive whatever car you want; make however much you want; and do whatever the hell it is you want to do! That’s called being a Domestic Goddess. 15
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Use What You’ve Got to Get What You Want Ah, yes, the physical gifts of a woman! We have breasts, hips, legs, eyes, lips, and flowing hair (whether it’s yours or not). We smell like flowers and fruit, have a sway to our walk, arch in our backs, and softness to our skin. Don’t you just love being a woman? But that’s not all we have. We have intuition, knowledge, creativity, influence, and so much more. We have the ability to create absolutely anything we want! Unfortunately, some women only know how to use their physical gifts to get what they want—and when you do that, your integrity gets flushed right down the toilet. Using your mind—over your behind—makes all the difference in getting what you want. Using your ASSets—that’s easy, honey. I can stroll past any group of guys in a pair of really bad Mary Jane stilettos and cleavage from here to Mexico and get whatever I want—sure can! But walking past someone with class, gracefulness, and that “inner glow” we talked about earlier will get a man’s real attention. And once you open your mouth and start to make sense, you become even more attractive—to men and everybody else. Using your mind—your real asset—and your intuitiveness as a woman makes you 10 times more likely to get what you want out of life. Using what you’ve got to get what you want means knowing what you’ve got. Who are you? What do you have that adds value to other people’s lives? What do you know how to do well? How big your breasts are or how phat your behind is really doesn’t count for much these days. Trust me! You can get any job you want, any man you want, live in any house you want, and have anything your pretty little heart desires. You just have to know how to get it. So let’s explore what you’ve got…
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What are you skilled at? _______________________________ ____ __________________________________________ What are your talents? _______________________________ _______________________________________________ What is your specialty? _______________________________ _______________________________________________ On a scale of 1-10, how well do you communicate?_____________ On a scale of 1-10, how well do you negotiate?________________ Are you aggressive? What does that mean to you?______________ _______________________________________________ Are you assertive? What does that mean to you? ______________ _______________________________________________ Overall, what are your assets? ___________________________ _______________________________________________ Example: I am a motivator. I have the ability to “move” people to a higher level in their life. I am a good listener. I am an amazing cook; I know how to create a meal from almost anything. I can speak three languages, which increases my ability to communicate with the world. I am extremely creative. I studied marketing in college so I know to increase revenues for any company through branding. (And so on.) _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________
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When you know your true assets and abilities, this gives you maximum power to go out in the world and get whatever you want! If you had trouble answering any of those questions, guess what that means? You need to increase your assets. Like I said earlier, you can only do what you know. So in order to do and have something different, you have to learn something new. Enroll yourself in “life school.” Devote 30 minutes everyday to learn something new—taking a class, reading or listening to an audio book, or doing research on a specific topic like culture, religion, or politics. There are 24 hours in a day; eight should be spent getting your beauty rest, and that leaves you with 16. I’m sure you can find 30 little minutes to devote to yourself so you can enhance who you are as a woman. Aren’t you worth it?
Basic Skills that Every Domestic Goddess Must Have Confidence The invisible crown that every woman should wear, confidence is the substance that embodies a woman who knows what she’s worth. It is not always a natural asset; confidence needs to be learned sometimes. It’s a process. It consists of falling in love with yourself—and knowing why others should love you too. They call it “self-esteem.” Let’s say that again: self-esteem. As in the regard, respect, admiration, value, worth, significance, and importance that you place on yourself! The way you see yourself is exactly the way the world will see you. (And there is nothing sexier than a strong, confident woman—just ask any man!) Communication The most essential ingredient in life! Despite the fact that most people
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think they are “good communicators,” most struggle to master this quality. The better you communicate, the better you can navigate the world. Period. Communication is only effective when both the sender and receiver understand the purpose and the message of what’s being communicated. Women like to talk. We like to gossip, chit chat, and run our mouths to whoever will listen. (Don’t act like you don’t!) This is one of our biggest downfalls. We talk too much and don’t listen enough. (Yes, I know, usually we say that men don’t listen, but some of us have that problem too.) We have two ears and one mouth for a reason. We are supposed to listen more than we speak. Listening makes up 80% of communication; unfortunately, most of us don’t even know how to listen. (You just get quiet until the other person is finished talking so you can have your turn to speak.) Listening means that your mind is engaged in what it is receiving. When you listen effectively, you are more successful in conveying your point. Bad communication results in tremendous confusion, wasted energy, and missed opportunities. Sharpen your communication skills; it’s one of a woman’s most valuable assets! Cooking Uh duh, this book is called Stilettos in the Kitchen. Every woman must know how to whip up a meal in the kitchen. Cooking is an often overlooked yet basic survival skill that many women of this generation don’t have. Cooking is a way of connecting with yourself and those that you feed because there is power in creating nourishment to fuel a person’s soul. Your spirit and energy go into your edible creation. If you don’t know how to cook, trust me, you will by the time you finish this book. You can go ahead and add “I am a fabulous cook” to your list of assets.
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3
K.I.S.S.
To get what you want, you’ve gotta simplify
A
s women living in the modern world, we tend to overcomplicate things. I say K.I.S.S.—Keep it Simple, Sexy! Life is easy. Yes, I said it: LIFE IS EASY! It only seems hard because when we add too much, think too deep, become too weighed down with worry, all of that turns itself into fear—which stands for False Evidence Appearing Real. There is absolutely nothing that is out of our reach. The universe is designed for us to live prosperously—and simplistically—in abundance. I learned this fact to be true from a dear friend and mentor of mine, Ms. Debrena Jackson Gandy. In her book, All the Joy That You Can Stand: 101 Sacred Power Principals for Making Real Joy in Your Life, she perfectly describes how we tend to make our lives more difficult than it really has to be.
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“What comes to mind is a river. Life moves with a flow and a rhythm to it like a river, and when we know how to go with the flow, our lives work. We want to know how to go with the flow, but instead many “of us are swimming upstream against the current. Or we have gotten lost in a side stream somewhere, caught in an undertow, or the silt in our lives is weighing us down muddying our vision, clogging our spiritual channels and impeding our ability to grow.” “Silt is sand, dirt, rock, and mud that accumulates in the bottom of a river and clogs it up. Many of us have accumulated mental, emotional, and spiritual silt in our lives, and we don’t even know it, we really don’t know how to clean it out.” “Our internal silt can take the form of denial; drama; struggle; not being true to ourselves; self-sabotage; self-doubt and self-defeating thoughts of lack, limitation and fear, while the internal silt can take form of toxic relationships, negative judgment, destructive criticism, physical attacks from others, depletion of our spirits, invalidation, and physical and emotional abuse. This silt needs to be dredged, cleared out, and removed so that our lives can become clear and we can experience flow again.” (Chapter 1 “Clear the Silt”)
When I first read that, it was like a ton of bricks had hit me. My life was full of silt! It was full of mess and drama, and I just couldn’t figure out why and how to fix it. It was me that was overcomplicating things, me who carried all of my emotional baggage from one relationship to the next, me who clogged up my life and stopped joy and happiness from flowing.
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I have created a new principle for myself: K.I.S.S. Keep It Simple, Sexy—and I use it in every category of my life. I keep my life simple and I let it flow. I don’t try to make my river of life flow the way I want it— and wind up swimming upstream. I’ve learned to simplify everything and let my life flow naturally, and I’m always cautious for the “silt” that can easily pile up.
Make Space In order to obtain what you desire, there has to be space in your life to receive it. We hold on to way too much “stuff ” in our lives. Old papers and bills, clothes, old furniture, friends, men—we just accumulate a whole bunch of baggage that creates massive clutter (or “silt”) in our lives and blocks all of the amazing gifts that we could be receiving. There’s no room for a new pair of shoes because our closets are piled high with things that we have had for years and will probably never even wear again. There’s no room for fresh fruits and vegetables, spices and seasonings because our refrigerators and cabinets are filled with old food and junk that have been there for far too long. There’s no room for a new car because our garages are full of old boxes that were supposed to go off to the Goodwill years ago. There’s no room for our soulmate because that space is taken up by someone who is below our standards. You have to clean out. Notice I said, “clean out” and not “clean up.” A lot of times, we say we are cleaning up when we’re just straightening up something, putting the excess in a box, and just moving it to a different part of our home. We dismiss a boyfriend from being in a relationship, yet make him a “friend” who still has access to our body and our life. No, no, no—you must clean out. 22
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Let it go! Release it! It doesn’t matter what or who it is. To get something, you have to give up something. You have to make space for the greatness that can come into your life by clearing out the unnecessary baggage and trash. Once you clear space, you will be amazed at how easily happiness and joy will begin to flow into your life. Whatever it is that you want, it’s just waiting for space in your life. It’s right there, looking at you, and patiently waiting for you to eliminate its competition so it can gracefully appear and become a reality. You are worthy of receiving your desires. You are destined for greatness. So don’t sabotage yourself by holding on to things that serve no purpose to you and your life. One way to evaluate what to hold on to and what to let go of is to understand the reason it is in your life. People, experiences, and material things show who you are and where you are at that particular moment. Use them to learn and grow, then know when to let them go. When you do this you empower yourself to move to a higher level that you can’t get to when you’re weighed down by things that have already served their purpose. People and things come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. A wise woman knows how to distinguish among the three and is strong enough to accept whichever outcome it may be. When you clean out your space, you clean out your mind. When you have a clear mind, you have more control over your life. Clean Out Checklist Take a moment and think about the things that you need to clean out of your life. Think about the material things you have. Do you have a closet full of clothes that you haven’t worn since 1999? Do you have a refrigerator full of food that are past their expiration dates? What 23
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about your bathroom cabinet—is it full of old makeup, empty bottles of lotion, and random junk that have been there for years? Now think about the people in your life. Who needs to go? Do you want to be in a committed relationship but you are holding on to some guy you’re just having casual sex with? Are you holding on to a childhood friend who is still doing the same old things that you two did back in high school? What about your body? Is it full of toxins that make you tired and sluggish everyday? Make a list of all the things that you need to clean out of your life and write the date you intend to have it cleared. Things in my house that have to go: _______________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ People in my life that have to go: _________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ Personal habits that have to go: __________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ 24
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Miscellaneous things in my life that have to go: _______________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ I am in the process of cleaning and grooming my life so that I can receive the things that I desire. I am worthy of living an amazing life and I will do the things necessary to make that happen. Starting today ___________________ (date) Signed ___________________
Be Prepared You know how they say, “God won’t give you anything you can’t handle”? Well, that statement rings true in so many ways! We often desire so many things that we are physically or mentally not ready to receive. I’ve heard myself complain so many times—and I’m sure this rings true for you too—about never having enough money, living paycheck to paycheck, or yearning to have material things that I cannot afford. As I look back on those times, I realize that I had no idea how to handle my money. When I was growing up, money and finances were not talked about in my family. I watched my mother work long hours and give so much of herself to others, while trying to maintain a comfortable life for me and my siblings; however, I never saw her balance a checkbook. She never 25
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talked about credit or cash flow, just bills and work. As I grew into my womanhood, no matter how much money I earned, I was always broke. My checking account was always in the negative, and I thought a FICO score was some sort of tally for a sport. Now don’t get me wrong: My mother is an amazing woman. She has instilled things in me that some mothers are totally clueless about. But it wasn’t until my adulthood that I learned how to reprogram my mind to attract and maintain money. So, you see, I wasn’t mentally prepared to handle money, and that’s why I lived a perpetual cycle of being broke. I never had enough money because I couldn’t handle it. That goes for everything in your life—the world will not give you anything that you can’t handle. I hear so many women marching around, saying, “There aren’t any good men out there.” This is the biggest lie I’ve ever heard! The truth is: You’re just not prepared to handle a good man. You have to groom, organize, and arrange your life to attract someone that you are mentally, physically, and spiritually able to handle. The same thinking can be applied to your career. If you’re stuck in a dead-end job, counting down the minutes before your lunch break and watching the clock before quitting time, you may not be ready for a career that is spiritually fulfilling and financially rewarding. You can’t just wish for more money or more responsibility. It’s not that simple. You have to go the extra mile: take classes, volunteer for projects, network—all of the things that will prepare you for change. Just like we discussed earlier, you have to increase what you know in order to do, be, and have something different! Once you ask yourself what it is that you want and answer honestly, you have to prepare yourself to receive those things. Success, after all, is what happens when preparation meets opportunity. 26
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Clarity One of the main ingredients of the K.I.S.S. principal is clarity—being clear about what exactly you want. If you don’t know what you want, how will the world know what to give you? While you are cleaning out and preparing yourself, be crystal clear about what you are actually preparing yourself for. If you’re confused and uncertain, you are sending out mixed signals; when you send out mixed signals, you get mixed results. Read that sentence again: Mixed results cause you to have anxiety, fear, disorder, inconsistency, insecurity, frustration—and can make you flat-out angry at your life because you’re not getting what you want. And you not getting what you want is the result of you not clarifying your desires. You have to dig deep and ask yourself, “What do I want?” What results do you want out of life? We’ve all heard this before, but let me remind you: Ask and you shall receive. So what is it exactly that you want? _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________
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Affirmations You are who you say you are. Your present life is the result of the choices you have made in the past. While you are cleaning out, aligning, and preparing yourself for a new you, you have to make sure that you’re not saying the same things you have been telling yourself. Having a clear mental and physical space is wonderful—and so is having a vision board (which I’m going to show you how to do in the next section). But if you change, yet you keep telling yourself the same things you have been in the past, you will continue to get the same results. Affirmations are the statements that we make that shape our lives, either positively or negatively. You can purposely say affirmations to train your mind to do something different, or you can unconsciously say things like “I am so tired” or “Nothing ever goes right for me.” The amazing thing about affirmations is the more you say them, the more that becomes your reality. So if you are telling yourself, “Nothing ever goes right for me,” then guess what—nothing will ever go right for you. One of my favorite affirmations to say is: “I always get everything I want, right when I want it, all the time, and every time.” And I do! After you create your vision board, I want you to make a list of positive affirmations that correspond with the things you want. But before you do that, let’s explore how to effectively use affirmations. How Affirmations Work All the things you are experiencing in your life are a result of your beliefs. For example, you know (and have the belief) that if you put your hand on a hot stove, you will get burned. Therefore, you don’t touch the stove with your bare hands when it’s hot. However, the belief system of a child 28
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isn’t fully developed yet, so they don’t know the difference between hot and cold. If they touch the stove and get burned, or if they are told repeatedly that touching the stove is bad, then their belief system will start to form and they will avoid touching the stove, whether it’s hot or cold. This is how affirmations work. When you experience it or you are told over and over again what the effect is, you believe it. If you find that you’re broke all the time or you make money but you’re living paycheck to paycheck, it is because of the beliefs you hold in your mind about money—things like “I have to work hard to earn money” or “Money doesn’t grow on trees.” The same goes for your body and even your relationships; if you are saying “I am fat” or “I only get approached by losers,” this is what your reality is going to be. You may not even be aware of what you’re saying to yourself because your belief system has been greatly influenced by your childhood. If your parents ever told you “Don’t do this,” “You can’t have that,” or “Stop doing this,” you may be having trouble attaining your dream because you have a deeply rooted belief that says, “You can’t do that.” Our minds are so powerful. Thoughts are truly things and you are who you say you are. In order to become who you want to be, say it, speak it, and do it. Here are a few tips to master the art of affirmations. Speak in the present tense. Speak as though you have already received. Saying “I want” affirms that you only have a “wish” for something. Using the words “I am” states who you are and what you have in the present moment. Let’s say you want to be an actress, you should be saying: “I am an amazing actress,” as opposed to “I want to be an actress.” When you do this, you are telling the world who you are, and it will begin to manifest in your life much quicker. 29
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Be positive. When you are affirming things to the world, the words not, no, don’t, can’t, and won’t are not recognized. Saying “I don’t have money issues” translates to “I have money issues.” Say “Money comes to me easily and frequently” instead. When you are creating your affirmations, don’t say what you don’t want. Change the whole statement around and say what you do want. Keep repeating. In order to see significant changes in your life, affirmations have to be done several times a day until they become your reality. If you do them for two or three days or just say them here and there and expect drastic changes to happen, you’ve got another thing coming, girlfriend. You have to get what I like to call “beasty”: going after what you want hard. Say your affirmations 15-20 times everyday—over and over and over again. You may feel silly, and it may seem like nothing is happening, but do it faithfully. Think about a song, when you hear it over and over on the radio, you will begin to sing it in your head. Same with this: Say them until you believe it. Your beliefs make you who you are. Take a moment and create some of your own affirmation statements. _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ ____________________________________________________
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Alignment So you’ve decided to K.I.S.S your life and clear out the clutter. You know exactly what you want, and you’re starting to prepare yourself to receive it. In order to make all of those wonderful things happen, you have to begin to align your actions with what you want. This means looking at what you are doing in your life and asking, “Is this action going to produce the result that I want?” If not, then you need to adjust your actions so that they correspond with your desired results. I love this principle because it holds you accountable. You can’t blame anyone else. Saying I’m going to lose 10 pounds but going for fast food drive thru for dinner is not in alignment with what you want. You don’t have to wonder why you’re not losing any weight. Let’s say again that you want to pursue an acting career. Sitting around, watching TV, and hanging out on weekends won’t land you a gig—taking an acting class, practicing a monologue 20 minutes a day, or researching headshot photographers or casting directors will. You have to figure out what actions you need to take to align yourself with the things you want. Take a moment and think about what you want and what actions you need to take. I want:
Action needed:
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Real women have vision Once you are clear about what you want, you can now create a vision to make it happen. Blindness isn’t a tragedy, sight with no vision is. Before you can attain anything, you have to be able to see it in your mind, as though it were actually happening in your life. You typically go where you are looking; so if you are looking at bills, drama and the same ’ol stuff every day, then that is the direction you’re headed. A vision board is a powerful tool; every Domestic Goddess must have one in her home. It allows you to get your desires out of your mind and in front of your eyes. When you look at the things you want everyday, this gives you the motivation to take action to go and get it. Here’s how to “cook up” an effective vision board: Ingredients: Large colored construction paper or board Glue stick Magazines (Think Forbes, O, Health, Money, Life and Style, etc.) Pen and paper Directions: Before you get started, sit down and ask yourself: “What do I want?” Make two columns on a piece of paper and label it SHORT TERM and LONG TERM. (Or you can use two separate pages.) Under short term, think about the things you desire to have in your life right now or in the very near future. Some examples:
* * *
I want to earn $4,000 in monthly income. I want to release 10 pounds and flatten my tummy. I want to read more and increase my knowledge. 32
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* * * * * * *
I want to buy a pair of Christian Louboutin shoes. (Every girl should have a pair!) I want to take an acting class. I want to join the choir at my church. I want to buy a new car before winter. (A new Lexus, perhaps.) I want to begin to date new people and improve my social life. I want to learn about different religions. I want to take a trip to Jamaica this fall.
You get the point, right? Now sit back and reread what you want. Ask yourself if it’s realistic for you and if it is, go back and change those statements to I will. Because what you want and what you will do are two different things. You must have a deadline so you know how to pace yourself. Next to each goal, write the date you intend to accomplish it. For long term, think about the big picture of your life; write down what you want that to look like.
* * * * * * * *
I want to acquire $1,000,000 over the next five years. I want to live in a six-bedroom house on the beach in Miami. I want to marry the man of my dreams. (Describe in detail the man of your dreams.) I want a Range Rover. I want to take a trip to Egypt. I want to fund a Ministry and open a church. I want to lose 100 pounds and create a lean, healthy body. I want to be an Oscar-winning actress. 33
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Lots of people will want to put pictures of Oprah on their boards. (I just had to say this because almost every vision board I’ve ever seen has a picture of her on it—and yes, I do too!) But you have to be specific about what it is about her that you want to emulate or achieve. Do you want to be like her, be a guest on her show, be an audience member, have wealth like her, or meet her? Be specific. You need to have a deadline for your long-term goals as well; next to each, write the date that you created your board and your “turnaround”: one year, 10 years, six months, and so on. Next, flip through the magazines and clip out pictures and phrases that represent those things that you listed on paper: a picture of a body you want to create, a house you’d like to live in, the exact car that you want to drive, a wedding ring, picture of the beach, picture of money— whatever is on your list. Find some pictures of yourself and write or type out some encouraging affirmations like: I am amazing. I have the power to create the life of my dreams. I deserve to have all of my desires. God first, then people, then money. I will do the things that others won’t to have the things that others don’t. I am sexy. Happiness is my birthright. Money flows to me in abundance.
* * * * * * * *
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Make sure you put this right on the top of the board: Follow On Course Until Successful To actually create your board: In the middle of your board, paste your picture and post all of the encouraging quotes around it. (This should divide your board into two sections.) On the left, post all of your shortterm goals in order of importance—most important on top. On the right hand side of your board, post all of your long-term goals in order of importance. Then randomly place pictures of yourself in between the magazine pictures. Keep the paper or the page with your deadlines near your board so you can refer to it to make sure you are on track and on time. The result? When you look at your board, there is order and structure and you can actually see what you are working for everyday! As you go along, check off the things that you have accomplished. Then replace it with something new to work on. Finally: After posting your board, you will have a great sense of accomplishment. But motivation is like bathing; it’s recommended that you do it daily. You need to create your personal mission statement. A personal mission statement is a verbal commitment to remind yourself of what you are working toward everyday. It should be memorized and repeated twice daily. Stand in front of your vision board every morning and every night and review your goals. Then read 35
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your personal mission statement out loud. An example of a powerful mission statement: “I am in the process of creating the life of my dreams. I am committed to excellence and greatness and will accept nothing less than that. My goal is to become a doctor and empower people of this generation to be healthy and physically well. I am working everyday to achieve my goal and live within my purpose. I will only engage in activities that add value to my life and are in alignment with my goals. I am on a mission to be one of this generation’s greatest doctors! I am POWERFUL.” Or you can keep it simple and general. “I am in the process of making my life better than it has been for the past 15 years. I am going to eat better, get more rest, drink more water, and smile more. I will save more money and learn how to be finance-savvy so I can be financially free some day. I will tell my family and loved ones how much I appreciate them today. I am an amazing woman, and God has a purpose for my life. Today I will take a step toward that purpose. I will not live in fear; I have extreme faith and I know that everything that has happened in my life thus far is shaping the amazing life that I am preparing myself to live. I am POWERFUL.” Or… “I will earn $4,000 in monthly income. I will use my God-given gifts, talents, and abilities to acquire that amount of money. I will use that money to get my financial issues out of the way as I am building my company, and I will earn more than $15,000 per month from my business this time next year. I will work out three days a week to increase my energy, and I will take a class to sharpen my skills while I 36
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am building my life. By December 2013, I will have earned $500,000 from my company, have my dream home, the love of my life, and the luxury to take a vacation every two months because I deserve it. I am POWERFUL.” Memorize your personal mission statement. As you go through your day—if something is distracting you, or you get frustrated or overwhelmed—repeat it to yourself out loud then re-align your thoughts and actions with your mission. My challenge for you: I challenge you to gain clarity on what you want. Create your vision board and read your personal mission statement out loud—twice a day—for 30 days straight. While you do this, practice the “Listen to your Body” exercise from Chapter 1, right before you read your mission statement. At the same time, increase your prayers and decrease the distractions in your life: TV, radio, partying, gossiping, unwarranted relaxation, doing nothing on the internet. This will begin to create momentum in your life so you can attract the things you want. Start today!
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4
Stiletto Body Mold your perfect body
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hat is a Stiletto Body, you ask? A Stiletto Body is one that stays in a healthy and balanced state. It exudes sex appeal, has well-defined curves, and vibrates with energy, strength, and power. It thrives in self-love and nutrition and has an invisible shield of worthiness and authority that radiates with every step it takes. A Stiletto Body is cultivated over time. It’s not forced. You don’t need a “six-week workout challenge,” a personal trainer, and high-tech gym equipment to get a Stiletto Body. (I am not, of course, disqualifying the power of exercise. It is still essential: Exercising optimizes a Stiletto Body and allows it to function at an even higher level. But let’s not obsess over the crunches, shall we?) Depriving yourself of food that tantalize the taste buds is not required either. And there is no miracle pill for this. 38
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A Stiletto Body is created through a combination of things: A spiritual connection with a higher power, general knowledge of food and its nutritional value, a daily movement routine utilizing its own body weight, and awareness of its sexual, feminine power. You simply make no space for stress, toxins, negative energy, and excess waste in your body—it’s much too fabulous for those. I learned this from my mother years ago. I would watch her every morning bend and stretch, do breathing exercises, and talk to herself. She would wind her hips and roll her neck in circles and hum to herself. My mother ate whatever she wanted; I never heard her say that she’ll “go on a diet.” Never saw her not eat something because she didn’t want to “gain weight.” She just did (and still does) her unusually short routine faithfully, every morning and every night, and maintained her perfect size 6 frame—even after three kids. And she still has the same body to this day, mind you. When we’re out, people think were sisters. (If I revealed her age, she’d kill me.) My mother has a confidence about her that people just couldn’t figure out. When she speaks, people listen; when she moves, people watch. Her physical energy is powerful, and I know her daily routine is what helps to cultivate and maintain that essence. I had no idea what she was doing back when I was a kid, but when I got older, I started to do the same thing—every morning and every night. At first it didn’t occur to me what was happening: why I had a natural, effortless energy that people notice; why my body would easily adjust to an intense cardio workout; or how I was able to show results immediately when I did go to the gym or if I eliminated certain things in my diet. I remained calm in stressful situations, unleashed my sexual energy on demand, and ate whatever I wanted and still maintained my perfect weight. 39
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It didn’t take me long to understand what was really happening: My body is loved. It gets attention every single day; so whatever I need it to do, it does it with ease and grace—and no hesitation. It’s used to being stretched, spoken to with compassion, challenged, and moved. Creating and maintaining a Stiletto Body is a ritual that every Domestic Goddess should master and hold sacred.
Stiletto Body Ritual
The Stiletto Body Ritual consists of affirmations, expressing gratitude, deep breathing, stretching and bending, and massaging yourself. You will need to dedicate 30 minutes a day: 20 minutes right when you wake up and 10 minutes before you go to sleep. And don’t say you can’t find 30 minutes to devote to you—you find the time to chat and send tweets. Consider these 30 minutes a part of your self-love journey. The First Few Steps In the morning, the moment you open your eyes, lay still. Take deep breaths for 10 to 15 counts—in through your nose, out through your mouth—to release the stale air in your lungs. Place your hand over your heart and feel the beat; connect with your spirit. Hug yourself; run your hands over your face and down your body. Get up. When you place your feet on the floor, say “thank you” with each step you take. You are thanking God for allowing you to see another day. Do not pick up your cell phone and start a conversation with your man (besides a simple “Good morning, baby” perhaps); do not eat or drink anything and definitely don’t start thinking about getting to work, what bills are due, or any other stress or drama in your life. This is your time, not your 40
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man’s, your job’s, or Mr. Debt who tries to controls you. (Control him, hon.) Go straight to your “sacred place” (more on this in Part Three), lie on the floor, and be still for 60 seconds. That is the beginning of the workout. I could go on and on describing this divine experience, but I’d have to write a whole different book for this. I’ve provided steps to the first part of the exercise; for the entire workout, go to my fitness website: www.stilettobody.com. (Stiletto Body launches October, 2009.) It is a bit difficult to understand just by reading it, so there are instructional videos and information for you to create your own daily routine. But this is how you get started. Stand in the middle of the floor with your feet together and arms at your side. Take a deep breath. As you breathe, pull your tummy in, like there’s a string connected to your navel and someone is pulling it through your back. Roll your neck clockwise, then counter clockwise—four times in each direction. Rotate your shoulders forward and back—four times in each direction. Slowly reach down and touch your toes. As you go down, glide your hands down your thighs and legs—feel your body. Touch your toes and feet and say, “Thank you.” Thank your feet and legs for walking you through your life. Come up slowly and glide your hands up your body; feel your hips, your stomach, and your breasts, then raise your arms over your head as though you are reaching for the sky. Say “thank you” again. Repeat three times. Lie on the floor. Elongate your spine. Imagine you have a string pulling you
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* * * * *
from your head and your feet in opposite directions. Hold this position for 15 seconds. Reach your arms over your head and now imagine the string is pulling your fingertips. Be careful not to raise your spine off the floor, so hold your tummy in tight. Hold for 15 seconds. Bring your knees to chest, wrap your arms around them, and hug your entire body. Say “I love you” out loud several times. Hold this position for 15 seconds. Bring one knee to chest and hold for 15 seconds then do it for the other leg for 15 seconds. Repeat three times. Release your knees and massage your lower abdomen or your womb—where all of your power comes from. With your fingertips, add pressure onto your abdomen and move them in a circular motion. (If you’ve never done this before, it will feel very weird, but it is a way of connecting with your feminine energy and it stimulates your digestive system—your body will love it.)
The rest of the workout continues with a series of standing stretches and bends, waist and hip movements. The workout ends with a series of affirmations. Everyone’s affirmations won’t be the same as we all have different desires with our bodies and our lives. Your affirmation may sound similar to any of these: I am an amazing woman. My body is resilient I can eat whatever I want and maintain my perfect weight. My body is filled with energy and vitality. 42
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I am sexy. I love every cell in my being. I use my body to do things that will add value to my life and others. I am a walking, breathing magnet for the things I desire in life. Every curve in my body was designed especially for me. Positive energy runs through my body. All good things come to me in abundance. I was created for a special purpose. My sexiness exudes me. My inner beauty exudes me. I am powerful. I have greatness within me, and today I will release it. I am grateful for my body and all that it allows me to do. My body radiates with confidence. Day by day, in every way, my body gets better and better. Cultivating a Stiletto Body will open your life up to so many things. Your body will stay supple and flexible, your skin will glow, and your mind will be prepared for any physical challenge. Now, don’t get your Stiletto Body Ritual confused with working out. A Stiletto Body will not make you lose weight or build muscle. It just makes exercising much easier and even allows for quicker results. So yes, you do need to exercise. Like I said in the first part, exercise is vital in optimizing the daily performance of your Stiletto Body. Your body has now been prepped to receive everything that comes its way— your Stiletto Body can take it, trust me! Stop making excuses for your body. The body is ready, even the mind is set. It’s you who’s finding an excuse not to move. I won’t hear any of your tired excuses; I’ve heard 43
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a million of them, and they’re all equally pitiful. Which one of these is your favorite? “I’ll start tomorrow.” Sure you will—until you come up with another excuse to delay it another day or two. If you’re serious about getting fit, then start today. Start right now. Just suck it up and go to the gym. Or go for a walk. As a matter of fact, stand up right now and bust out a couple of squats! There. Now pat yourself on the back. Today was the first day of the rest of your healthy lifestyle. “I just don’t have the time!” Yes, you do. We’re all overbooked these days, and we wear it like a badge of honor when we can hardly find the time to sleep. Make time in your life for the things that are important to you, like looking and feeling good about yourself. If you have the time to sit and watch a TV show for an hour, you have 30 minutes to go for a run. “I don’t need to work out; I’m not overweight.” You don’t have to be overweight to exercise. I know a lot of slim women who have no energy, no zest, and no fire. Exercise is much more than just losing weight or building muscles. Working out strengthens your mind, your heart, and your spirit. It provides you with discipline; it increases your energy. The more energy you have, the more you will get out of life. “I love myself, and I’m fine just the way I am!” There’s nothing wrong with embracing your shape and loving your curves. I want you to have a good self-image. I just don’t want you to be in denial. It kills me when I hear overweight women say, “I love myself; there’s nothing wrong with 44
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having a little meat on your bones.” I may hurt a few feelings here but if you’re fat, then you need to exercise. Period. Being overweight and unhealthy—and knowing it—and being satisfied with it does not mean you love yourself. It means that you do not acknowledge what you can do to improve your body and your life. “Meat on our bones” is not okay if you can barely go up two flights of stairs. Our bodies aren’t designed to carry around excess weight and still function at an optimum level. I’m not saying that you need to be a “Skinny Bitch”—no pun intended—but I am telling you to get healthy. And be realistic about your weight. You can be curvaceous, thick, voluptuous, and healthy! “I don’t want to sweat my hair out.” This is the dumbest excuse I’ve ever heard in my life! It just doesn’t make any sense. Your hair is super fabulous and your body looks a hot, raggedy mess? That’s called being fine—from the neck up. Gorgeous hair won’t conceal the tummy hanging over your pants. Do we even need to discuss which one—hair or health—is more important?
Find Your Balance There are so many extreme diets, quick-fix meals, pills and powders, and trendy workouts that we have lost the real meaning of a healthy, balanced lifestyle. I mean, sure, you can drink lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper for two weeks and look like one of the Olsen twins. Then you see a piece of bread and you blow right back up to your regular size. (It’s a master scam, I tell you.)
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That’s not a healthy way to live. Achieving a healthy, balanced lifestyle comes from consistency, understanding food, and loving your body. Don’t listen to the no-carb-can’t-have-this-stop-eating-that messages that the media is constantly pumping into your pretty little head. You can live the life you want, eat the food you want, and look the way you want if you understand what living a balanced lifestyle really means. When most people think about getting in shape, they focus on exercise, when that’s just a portion of the equation. It’s just as (or even more) important to be mindful of what you allow your body to take in.
You Are What You Eat Have you ever taken the time to really think about what’s in the things you eat—and where your food actually comes from? What does the source actually look like? Think about a pork chop or a steak. It’s juicy and scrumptious—but how do you feel after you eat it? Tired? Bloated? Sluggish? Well, consider the source: a pig. It’s fat, slow, and round. And what comes to mind when you picture a cow? A big, lazy animal that typically stands in one place all day long. Now think about fruits and vegetables. They’re crisp, firm, and full of color and texture. They grow in the sun, move with the wind, and are fragrant and full of life. Do you get my drift? I’m not suggesting that you just eat fruits and vegetables all day and sit in the sun and get blown by the wind. Here’s what I’m saying: Make wise choices on what you put into your body. I know most of you think that you already do that, but you may not be making as many wise food choices as you think. Allow me to give you a little lesson in Food 101. 46
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Calorie Simply put, a calorie is a unit of food energy. For my science nerds out there, calories are the amount of energy it takes to heat a liter of water by one degree. For the rest of us, here’s what you need to know: Just about every bit of food and drink that you put into your body has calories; the only exceptions are water, unsweetened teas, and diet sodas. Our bodies need the food energy that calories provide to function properly and put a little pep in our steps. The amount of calories you should consume in a day can vary, depending on such factors as your body type, how physically active you are, and if you’re trying to lose weight. But the recommended daily intake for women is about 2,000 calories. If you eat more calories than you burn, you’re going to put on weight. So you need to do one of two things: watch your calorie intake or exercise. I say do both. Nutrients Nutrients are the components in foods that our body uses for a variety of functions: cell growth, tissue repair, nerve function—you get the idea. Examples of nutrients are vitamins, minerals, protein, fiber, and fats. Vitamins Our bodies do a lot of amazing things, but one of the things we can’t do is make vitamins. Vitamins are organic compounds that we have to take in through the things we eat to keep everything running like a welloiled machine.
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There are two types of vitamins: fat-soluble, which can be stored in our body fat, and water-soluble, which are flushed out of our bodies when we take in too much. Because the fat-soluble vitamins (including A, D, E, and K) hang around for awhile, we don’t need to freak out if we don’t eat foods containing them each and every day. We should be mindful of the water-soluble vitamins (such as B-complex and vitamin C), which need to be constantly replenished. Minerals These are non-vitamin, chemical compounds that keep us healthy and help build strong bones. The essential minerals include calcium, potassium, phosphorous, magnesium, and sodium. Trace minerals, such as fluoride and zinc, are also important, but we need significantly smaller amounts than the essential minerals. Carbohydrates Carbohydrates are a type of food that your body breaks down into energy. They are divided into two categories: simple carbs, which are found in dairy products, fruits and sugar, and complex carbs, such as those in whole grains, beans, and starchy vegetables. The American Heart Association suggests that half of the grains you eat be whole grains. Carbs generally come packed with fiber, vitamins, and other good-foryou nutrients, but products made with refined sugar are best avoided. Protein Another source of energy, proteins provide us with amino acids that play a vital role in cell growth and repair. Meats, eggs, and dairy products are good sources. 48
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Fats Fat isn’t always a bad thing. We need fat to absorb nutrients, store energy, and transport vitamins throughout our bodies. Ideally, about 10 percent of our body weight should be fat. A gram of fat contains, on average, about eight calories.
How to Decode Nutrition Labels Wondering how to make good choices at the grocery store? Everything you need to know is right there on the package. Thank the Unites States Government for that: Before nutrition labels were mandated, you could never really be sure of what was in your food—and you just had to take a lucky guess about the nutrients it may (or may not) contain. Serving Size This is the amount of food that the manufacturer decides should be the typical amount someone would eat in one sitting. It’s no wonder that what they consider to be a serving is usually much, much less than what most of us actually eat. For instance, the average serving size of cereal is anywhere from ½ to ¾ of a cup, when you are probably pouring a cup-and-a-half out for your breakfast. Calories from Fat Pretty self-explanatory and quite eye-opening once you start comparing labels. The less fat per serving, the better.
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Calories This is the amount of calories in each serving. Total Fat This listing and the sub-categories beneath it (usually saturated, unsaturated, trans fats, and polyunsaturated fats) break down the number of grams of fat and the percentage of daily value in each serving. Be on the lookout for too much saturated and trans fats—they’ve been linked to the development of heart disease. Cholesterol This waxy substance is made in our bodies, and it’s also common in a lot of the foods we eat. Too much can buy you a one-way ticket to the cardiac care unit, so limit your intake. Sodium Too much sodium (a.k.a. salt) is a definite no-no. To stave of high blood pressure and a laundry list of other ailments, limit your intake to less than 2,300 milligrams (one tablespoon) a day. Unfortunately, a lot of packaged goods contain high amounts of sodium—another reason to learn how to cook with natural ingredients. Sugar Ah, the sweet stuff! You’d be surprised how much sugar is in different foods—even things that you don’t associate with sweetness. A teaspoon has only 15 calories, but a lot of sugar can make you as hyper as a kid on Christmas Eve—and wreck your teeth. With that said, a Domestic Goddess does not use sugar! 50
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Dietary Fiber The more, the better—fiber keeps our digestive systems running smoothly and pushes toxins and other unpleasantness out of our bodies. Vitamins and Minerals You won’t see the complete amount (and kind) that a food contains listed here, but you should get the numbers for vitamin A, vitamin, C, calcium, and iron. Percentage Daily Value This endnote explains how the percentages listed on the label are determined, based on a 2,000 calorie a day intake for women and 2,500 calories for men. Yeah, the guys get to eat more. I know. It’s not fair.
Watch Your Serving Sizes! There are so many overweight people in the world for one simple reason: We just eat way too much. Some people eat two and three servings of food and don’t even realize it—and that’s why we’re two to three sizes bigger than we need to be. It’s time for a little reprogramming. Use this serving size guide to determine visual references for how much you should eat. Meat, Fish and Poultry: The size of your fist or it should fit in the palm of your hand Raw Veggies and Fruit: The size of a baseball Cheese: One slice (I know, this one’s hard—I love cheese too!) Bread: No bigger than a cassette tape 51
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Cooked Rice and Pasta: Half a baseball Butter and Margarine: One dice Ice Cream: A tennis ball Water: A lot! One of the most important things you need to do to keep your body healthy is to stay hydrated. Think about a pipe. If no liquid is running through it, it gets clogged up with the solids that are trying to pass through. It’s the same with your body: All of the food you eat and toxins your body takes in won’t be flushed out without liquids. You feel tired, you get breakouts, your stomach bulges, and your brain cells get clogged up and you lose your focus. To figure out how much water your body needs, take your current body weight and divide it in half. That’s the number of ounces of water you should be drinking. (If you weigh 140 pounds, you need to drink 70 ounces of water every day.)
The Recipe for a Perfect Body Creating and maintaining your perfect body is simple. Like I said before, you don’t have to go to extremes and it’s definitely not difficult. Just remember these six rules:Practice your Stiletto Body Ritual faithfully. Mix in a workout routine that you enjoy doing two to three times a week. (Run, take a dance class, do Pilates, or if you’re a tough cookie, go hard at the gym.) Eat small portions throughout the day. Stay hydrated.
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Get six to eight hours of sleep every night so your body can recharge. Keep a positive mindset and watch your language when you are referring to your body.
Yes, it’s that simple!
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5
Love Isn’t Blind
Beauty rituals of the Domestic Goddess
I
know you want to think that the man of your dreams will love you for you, no matter what you look like. But contrary to popular belief, love isn’t blind—well, at least not a hundred percent legally blind. Love’s vision may be a bit blurry around the edges, but it still likes to focus on something pretty and pleasing. When you take your daily or weekly beauty rituals seriously, it’s also a way to nurture and care for yourself, but on a physical level. This, in turn, cultivates your inner glow—the foundation of beauty for any Goddess.
Face It Ah, that pretty little face of yours. Looks can be so deceiving. You’re walking around piling all types of products, plastering on foundation, 54
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and glossing the parts you want to shine. But beneath all those “layers,” your pores are screaming for air and begging for you to stop polluting them with all types of junk. I am lucky enough to have a mother who was a make-up artist and skin care specialist, and I later followed in her footsteps and did the same thing. I’ve always made taking care of my skin a priority; now let me teach you to do the same. Types of Skin Oily Skin. This skin type needs maximum care because it’s prone to breakouts and acne which we definitely don’t want. The skin will feel dewy and slippery most of the time and will need extra attention. It must be thoroughly washed, exfoliated, and masked more often than normal. Dry Skin. This skin type needs extra attention too or it will stay tight and dull-looking. Dry skin needs to be washed gently and given extra moisture. The good thing about it is it rarely breaks out because less sebum (oil and bacteria) is produced. Combination Skin. Most people have this skin type. It’s oily in the T-zone (the area around your nose and the fleshy part of your cheeks) and dry in other areas. Caring for combination skin is pretty basic: Make sure you cleanse and moisturize properly. Normal Skin. Not much maintenance is required for normal skin. There’s no excess oil or dryness, no breakouts, and no redness. Lucky you! But don’t get too excited; you still have to cleanse and moisturize if you want to maintain it. 55
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There are six essential steps to creating and maintaining flawless beautiful skin: cleansing, toning, moisturizing, steaming, exfoliating, and masking. Cleansing Washing your face is a no brainer, but cleansing your face with the proper product and using the right technique is what’s key. You have to wash your face every morning and evening with a cleanser that fits your skin type. Your cleanser should be water-based; it should produce just enough lather and have no fragrance or perfumes. (If you have dry skin, using an oil-based cream cleanser is fine, but be sure to rinse well because it can leave residue.) The ingredients should be simple and as natural as possible. If there are tons of chemicals (hint: words you can’t read, pronounce, or understand) in it, leave it right there on the shelf. And if you see menthol anywhere in the ingredients, run! You might as well become a chain smoker and skip bathing all together. (Ever wonder why you just can’t stop using your Noxzema or Carmex—two products that contain menthol? You’ve become addicted to it.) When you cleanse your face, use your finger tips. Never wet a towel and lather it with the cleanser. Your fingertips are gentle and they will stimulate blood circulation in your face. Move in an outer circular motion and avoid your eyes until the end. To rinse, douse your face with water, don’t wipe with a towel. Start off using warm water and then use cold water for the last few splashes; it closes your pores. Pat your face dry with a clean towel, preferably one that you only use for the face.
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Toning This is an important step that a lot of women miss. Toning picks up the leftover residue of your cleanser and brings back the natural PH balance in your skin. It also kills bacteria that are lingering around and cause breakouts. Look for toners that have tea tree, cucumber or peppermint extract; citrus extracts; and anything with vitamins A, C, and E in it. When you apply toner, use a 100% pure cotton ball or pad, swipe in circular, upward motions, and stay away from your eye area. Don’t just stop at your neck! Apply toner all the way down your jaw bone, behind your ears, down the back of your neck; then take a new cotton ball and apply on your chest area, collarbone, shoulders, and on top of your breast. You want that area to glow too, don’t you? Moisturizing One of the most misunderstood steps in skin care. It doesn’t matter what type of skin you have; you have to moisturize. For some reason, women who have oily skin think they can skip this step. When you don’t use a moisturizer, your skin notices the loss of moisture and quickly produces its own. This causes skin to turn oily. Find a moisturizer that fits your skin type (try oil-free, gel-based). There is such a wide range of moisturizers that you have to be very selective on what you use. This is a product that is not rinsed off, so the ingredients have to be just right for your face. And never use lotion. The chemicals are too harsh for the delicate skin on your face and most have too much fragrance in them. Steaming Steaming your face opens your pores and releases ground in dirt and bacteria that can’t be reached from cleansing alone. Steaming should 57
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be done right after you cleanse and before you exfoliate. Boil some water and place the hot pot on the table. Lean over so your face is over the pot and take a big bath towel and drape it over your head to direct steam straight to face. Sit there for about 10-15 minutes or until you are dripping with sweat. (Seriously.) Once you finish, immediately rinse your face and start exfoliating; you don’t want to give your pores time to close back up. You can also add some herbs to your water, like rosemary or lavender, to enhance the experience. Steam your face once or twice a week. Exfoliating Have you ever seen skin that looks like a layer of dust is sitting on it? It’s dull, excessively dry, or it’s so oily it looks like the person works at a Jiffy Lube. Run your finger around the crease of your nose and that area between your eyebrows. If it feels like the skin on the bottom of your feet, it’s because you’re not exfoliating, and so you get a buildup of dead skin cells. Dead skin is a normal part of the cell turnover process—our skin is constantly growing and replacing dead skin cells. Proper exfoliation should be done twice a week, right after you wash or steam your face and before you apply a mask. Find an exfoliator with granules made of pumice, fine ground dead sea salt, or sugar. Never use one made with tiny pebbles or sand; the edges of the granules aren’t usually round and can cause tiny slits on your skin that can let bacteria in. Look for one with natural ingredients like lemon oil, avocado butter, lavender, or almond extract. On a wet face, take a scoop of exfoliator and roll it around on your face just as you do with your cleanser, except add a little more pressure. You can also use a face brush or exfoliating pad to add to the experience— 58
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but careful if you have sensitive skin and stay away from the areas around your eyes. Rinse your face but leave your skin damp. Masking Masking helps to detoxify, purify, and soften the texture of your skin. You should mask once or twice a week and right after you exfoliate. Look for a mask that is clay-based and with spearmint or peppermint, fruit or flower extracts, vitamins and minerals. While your face is still damp from exfoliating, take a scoop of your mask and apply it on your skin, avoiding the area around your eyes. Once you have it on, go lay back on a couch or bed—as gravity will take over and you don’t want your face to become droopy—and let it dry. Once it’s fully dry, rinse and pat your face completely dry, then follow with toner and moisturizer.
Let’s Not Forget About That Stiletto Body of Yours! Cleansing your body with the proper products is just as important as your facial skin care. You may as well take a bath in laundry detergent if you are using drugstore-bought soaps and fruitysmelling shower gels loaded with chemicals and fragrances. Everyone’s skin is different, and “shea butter” or “extra moisture” is not for everyone. Besides, some of those soaps are strong enough to singe the hair off someone’s legs! You want to use a mild, natural liquid soap that cleanses—not strips—your skin and helps keeps it supple and well-moisturized. Stay away from bar soaps: They are made of wax and have the tendency to leave a film on your skin over time and clog your pores. 59
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Body Scrubs Your body needs to be exfoliated just as your face does. I actually make it a habit of exfoliating my face and body the same day. You can use a scrub that is a bit more abrasive than the one for your face. Only use sea salt or sugar scrubs with a natural oil base, like olive or almond oil. Wash as usual in the shower and then turn off the water. Take a scoop of scrub and start at your feet. Roll the product around in a circular motion until your skin starts to tingle. Continue all the way up your body, and don’t miss anything. (Except perhaps for the one special area you should know to exclude.) Go all the way up to your neck and then just stand there for a minute or two to let the oil moisturize your skin. Then rinse. Moisturize with lotion or body cream while skin is still damp to help lock in the moisture.
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COFFEE BODY SCRUB A great way to exfoliate and energize your skin is to exfoliate with coffee grounds. The caffeine will wake up your skin cells and the grounds will roll around on the top layer of your skin and pick up dead skin that’s just sitting there. Take a handful of coffee grounds and mix in a little water to create a paste. Then rub it around in a circular motion on your thighs, butt, breast, and tummy. Trust me: It’s better than any cellulite treatment you can buy.
Moisturizing your body This is one step you should try your hardest to avoid skipping. Your skin is the biggest organ your body owns, so you have to take care of it. Keeping your skin properly moisturized helps to maintain its 60
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elasticity and softness. When you moisturize your skin, it should stay moisturized all day. And if you take care of your skin religiously, then your skin should be naturally smooth and supple all the time. If it isn’t, here are the reasons: You are moisturizing unexfoliated skin. If your skin is not prepped for moisture, it will just sit on top of the dirt and dead skin; skin won’t soak in the moisture. It will be like spreading butter on stale bread. You are using a moisturizer with too many chemicals and ingredients that aren’t meant to be used on the skin. Why not just rub yourself down with ammonia? Read the labels on your moisturizer, and if it doesn’t say anything like aloe vera, sweet almond oil, shea butter, jojoba oil, coconut oil, or any sort of vitamins, don’t use it on your skin! (Try using it to lube a squeaky door hinge instead; it may work much better.) You are using a moisturizer that has way too much water in it. If you’re buying bottles of lotion that are bigger than a gallon of milk, it’s probably filled with 75% water and 25% chemicals. If you ever wonder why you’re all slick and oily when you leave the house but come home looking like you had a fight with a bag of flour, it’s because your moisturizer turned to vapor—a.k.a nothing. I prefer body butters over lotion. They are often made with natural ingredients and give your body a beautiful sheen. They don’t have any water or alcohol in them so they don’t evaporate or turn your skin dry by the end of the day. 61
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SECRET SPRAYS I’m in love with delicious-smelling perfume! I have to smell good all the time. I once had a guy friend of mine ask, “How do you just smell good all over? It’s so even!” It’s my “secret sprays.” Besides the neck and wrists, I also spray perfume between my breasts, on my tummy, in the creases of my arms and legs, my inner thighs, and the small of my back. I then mist it in the air, close my eyes, and walk thru it so it gets in my hair and on my whole body. Yes, I know it sounds like a lot, but because it’s so spread out and not concentrated in the same areas, the scent doesn’t overwhelm. Your heart pulsates the most in these spots too, and they’re the warmest places in your body, so it allows the perfume to heat up and sort of “radiate.” You will create a wind of deliciousness when you walk by someone!
Makeup Magic Make-up. That stuff that lets us hide all our imperfections. The lie that we tell the world. (I am flawless!) Then we get behind closed doors and the truth is revealed. Nothing’s worse than a woman that takes off her make-up and looks like a completely different person. Here’s the reality of make-up: The more you wear, the worse your natural skin will look. Contrary to popular belief, your skin needs to breathe and soak in some vitamin D from the sun—or your skin winds up looking pale and pasty. So rule #1: Don’t plaster your face with make-up everyday. Make-up is used to enhance, not disguise. The more natural it looks, the better. Foundation needs to be undetected; brows shouldn’t look drawn in (besides, this ages you by five to ten years). Nor should you 62
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see the blush sitting on top of your cheeks. (Did the circus come to town?) Being a make-up artist, I see women who look like they just left a face painting contest. So Rule #2: Less is more. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t wear makeup—hello, I’m a makeup artist. I’m saying that beauty is from within, and make-up just helps you express who you are, explore your creativity, and yes, hide an occasional flaw or two. I have a saying: “Beauty is in the eye of the artist.” And you are the artist of your face. So have a field day and experiment with your make-up. Just remember that you’re still beautiful even without it. Make-up Secrets Don’t buy cheap make-up. If the cost is cheap, then it will probably look cheap on your face. It’s okay to buy drugstore brands, but buy the good ones. I’m not saying you have to spend hundreds of dollars on a new make-up kit, but if you’re paying $.99 for your lipsticks, then you need to step it up a little bit. Invest in good brushes. I use the word invest because quality brushes aren’t cheap. They are usually made from animal hair and are crafted very well. A good powder brush can run you anywhere from $30-$100, but they last for years. My brush collection is worth over $1000, and I’ve had it for about six years. If you don’t need a full brush collection, make sure you have the main ones: powder, blush, foundation, flat shadow brush, a crease and an angle brush (for your brows and eye liner). They make a world of a difference when you are applying your makeup. Because these brushes are made with real animal hair, wash them using a moisturizing shampoo.
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Keep your make-up and tools clean. A lot of women don’t realize they are breaking out because their make-up is full of bacteria and germs. If you’ve been swiping your oily face with the same sponge for the last five months, you’re actually putting on foundation and germs. Then the make-up product itself is ruined because you keep dabbing the same dirty sponges and brushes in them. Change your sponges every one to two weeks, sharpen your pencils after every three to four uses, and wash your brushes every week. Make sure you remove your make-up well. Any residue can easily cause breakouts or make your skin look tired and dull. Use make-up remover—formula or wipes—before you wash your face. Don’t just use your cleanser to remove make-up; it’s meant to cleanse away dirt, not make-up. I like to take my make-up off with olive oil. The oil picks it right up and it helps to moisturize my skin. And never sleep with makeup on. You may as well buy a plastic bag over your face and go to sleep. Practice. There is no special diploma that allows you to apply your make-up well. It comes from practice and knowing your face. Try different things out in the mirror. Play around with different lipsticks or shadows and take pictures to see how you look in them. There are tons of different foundations: powders, creams, paints, sprayon, liquids, cream to powders, sticks, mousse, mineral, and whatever else cosmetic companies will come up with. If you’re not experienced in the make-up world, it’s easy to get lured into thinking that you need to mask your face with a bunch of different products.
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So let me break each one down for you so you know how to make “cosmetically smart” choices: Types of Foundation Powder. This pancake pressed foundation is great to just whip on and go. Not much blending is required because it’s applied with a sponge. It will give you medium coverage, but go easy because it layers on your skin. Each time you swipe your face, you’re adding another layer of foundation. (This is what causes the RuPaul look.) For lighter coverage, use powder brush. Powdered foundations are great for oily and combination skin because it helps to absorb formulation, making foundation less noticeable. Here’s a little secret: Never wear powdered foundations in pictures. It contains titanium dioxide, so when the camera flashes, it reflects and makes you look white and chalky. Cream. This type is generally oil-based and gives medium to full coverage. If you have oily skin, stay away from cream. This is a good choice if you have imperfections or blemishes (that tend to be dry or flaky) that you want to smooth out. And cream looks great in pictures. I also recommend this if you have dry skin because the oil will keep your skin soft. Liquid. Because there are so many new foundations in the market, people rarely use liquid anymore. But this kind is great for those who want something lightweight. Most liquid foundations are water-based and give medium to light coverage. It’s best to apply this with a brush or sponge instead of your finger tips. Your fingers have oil and germs that can spread over your face. Besides, it’s messy and will destroy a good manicure. 65
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Cream to powder. This dual action foundation will give you full coverage. These are typically oil- or silicone-based and with talc mixed in. This foundation is best if you are going for the full-face Barbie look. I like to use this foundation when I am doing a photo shoot or filming something because it lasts long and gives you a matte finish. But I don’t recommend using it on a regular basis; it can easily clog your pores. Mineral. This is a new type of foundation that has become very popular over the last few years. It’s made from crushed minerals and when the light hits your face, it gives of a reflection. It typically gives medium to light coverage and is great for all skin types. It’s actually very pretty on the skin when it’s worn right. Tinted moisturizer. My favorite! This is what I wear on a daily basis. It moisturizes the skin while giving it very light coverage, protecting your skin from pollution while still allowing your skin to breathe. Once it’s settled on your face, it gives off a healthy “glow.” It’s quick and simple and keeps you looking natural as possible. Foundation should only be worn if and when necessary. When your skin is naturally flawless, there is no need to hide it. This is why your skin care regime is so important. Even when I wear eye shadow and lipstick, I rarely wear foundation; my skin doesn’t need it. Here is my daily make-up regime: Apply a dime size of tinted moisturizer with a foundation brush. Then I blend it with a sponge. Fill my brows in with brown pencil—notice I said fill not draw. Dust my cheeks and eyes with mineral powder that’s one shade darker than my skin tone. Apply mascara, nude lip liner, and a skin-tone gloss. 66
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Make-up tips and tricks Baby powder cheekbones Use a powder brush and lightly dust baby powder on the higher part of your cheek bones. It will go on transparent and when the light hits it, it will highlight your cheeks. Powder your lips Before you put on your lip liner and lipstick, apply loose or pressed powder over lips. This will give you a very sharp line and keep your lipstick on all day. Twist, don’t pump Never pump your mascara brush; this lets air and bacteria in and causes your mascara to get dry and clumpy quick. Instead, fully put the brush back in the bottle, twist it shut, and re-open it. And never share mascara—it’s like sharing underwear. Highlight your lips Want pouty lips? It’s all about highlighting. Start out in the center of your bottom lip with a very light, peach-colored lipstick and fill the rest of your lip in with a dark plum or soft brown pencil. Add a light clear gloss on top and voila—sexy, pouty lips! Blush your eyes Find a nice nude blush that looks good on your skin tone and use it not only on your cheeks, but dust it over your eyes as well—instead of wearing eye shadow. It gives your eyes a nice little pop.
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Chisel your cheeks If you want a sculpted look to your face, chiseling your cheeks will give you that illusion. Take an angled blush brush and use powdered foundation that is one shade darker than your skin tone. Swipe the lower part of your cheeks until you can see the color. Then take a sponge and blend it in. Conceal your brows Having neatly shaped brows is a must, but you can accentuate them by using concealer. Take a flat brush and a cream concealer that is one shade lighter than your skin tone and lightly glide it right on your brow bone and directly under the brow line. This will give you a very crisp and bright look right in the “frame” of your eyes. Line with shadow Use a black or dark brown eye shadow to line your eyes instead of a pencil. You can take a skinny angle brush, dip it in the shadow and carefully line the tops of your eye lids. It will leave a very subtle depth to your eyes but without the harshness of a pencil. Lipstick Shadow If you have an eye shadow color that’s pretty enough to wear on lips, what’s stopping you? Flake off a little of the shadow and mix it with clear gloss.
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Closet Makeover Your skin is nice and smooth and you know how to rock your makeup— now let’s talk about what you’re wearing. Remember when we talked about cleaning out earlier? Well now’s the time to overhaul that closet of yours. Go through it and take out everything that’s too small, too big, and too unflattering for you to be seen in public wearing—and prepare to give it all away. (And if you don’t know anyone who can benefit from your castoffs, I’m sure the Goodwill, Salvation Army, or a women’s shelter will find someone who will appreciate them much more than you do.) I have to be honest: Ladies, I am so disappointed in some of you. Many of you have been leaving your house looking like “who did it and what for!” In other words, a hot-ass mess. Let me just say this: Jeans are made to fit you, you are not made to fit the jeans. Stop squeezing into jeans that you know you or nobody in your family has any business wearing. You’re making Monistat rich, for ghod’s sake! And trust me— the rest of the world doesn’t want to see the crack of your behind. They should have put an age and weight limit on low-rise jeans. And don’t get me started on skinny jeans. I’m going to say it again: skinny jeans. Skinny jeans, as in: made for skinny people, who are the opposite of curvy. So if you’re not skinny, why are you torturing the poor things by forcing yourself into them? And if you have a muffin top hanging over or you somehow look like Spongebob Squarepants, do not attempt to wear a pair of skinny jeans. Got bootydo? That’s when your stomach sticks out further than your “booty do.” If this describes your body type, choose the proper garments that will flatter your attractive assets and not magnify flaws. (And start working on your Stiletto Body Ritual!) 69
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I’m no fashion expert, but I do know that we’re not supposed to see your panties and bra through your clothes. First off, your clothes shouldn’t be that tight anyway. We’re so lucky to be living in a world filled with Spanx, control tops, seamless fabric, and thongs. You have no excuse! One of the most unattractive things that a woman can do is show off her panty lines. And if you have not-so-toned legs, please stop wearing fabrics that display every dimple, bump, and ripple on your body. It’s okay to be fabulously sexy and show off your curves and skin. Just make sure it’s the right curves and the right parts of your skin that you’re flaunting. Up Your Shoe Game As you’re cleaning out your closet, don’t forget to trash those busted shoes that you have been wearing for the past six years. If they are leaning to one side, the sole is worn out, the heel has rubbed down to a slant, and the sides are all scuffed up, it’s time to say bye-bye Before I really understood how important quality shoes were, I would buy my shoes from the typical chain stores or big discount department stores. Until I learned the hard way. A while back I went out with some girlfriends and on this particular night, I just knew I was fly! I got all decorated up, had on a cute outfit, and my sexy little pair of $39.99 stilettos I bought earlier that day. As I attempted to strut across the dance floor and down the steps to where my girls were sitting, the heel broke on my shoe. I went tumbling down the stairs with an audience of people to cheer me on. It was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. From that day on I vowed never to buy cheap shoes again. 70
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I strongly recommend that you become a skilled stiletto shopper instead. A rule of thumb when buying stilettos: Be certain of the craftsmanship. Here are other things to keep in mind when shopping for the right pair of stilettos:
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The leather should be real. The sole should be nice and thick. The heel should be made from wood or metal. (Yes, I’ve seen chicks wearing shoes with rubber heels.) When you put them on, flesh shouldn’t be hanging out the front or the back—and the sides, for that matter. Do not buy shoes that have glue holding them together. (You know what I’m talking about.) The shoe should have some weight to it; after all it does have to hold up all of your weight.
Soft Tootsies Let me keep it real for a second: I have a serious problem with women walking around with crusty heels and raggedy toes. You need a whoopin if you slip your feet in a hot pair of stilettos and your toes look like you’ve been playing soccer barefoot on gravel. Take off your shoes right now and look at your feet. If they look like you’ve been playing footsie in the soccer field, march to the nearest drugstore and buy a pumice stone, a pair of toe-nail clippers, some cuticle oil, a good foot cream, and a thick pair of socks. In between your weekly pedicure (yes, weekly), you have to take care of your feet yourself. Or make sure you’re giving yourself a pedicure once a week. Every other day or so scrub the bottoms of your feet in the shower; check for claw-like toenails and keep your cuticles 71
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moist. Every night before bed give yourself a foot massage with some cream and put on your thick socks. This daily maintenance ensures you are always ready to show off your feet at any given moment. It also shows your feet some love for all the hard work that they put in for you. Stiletto Posture My mother is the queen of stiletto posture. When I was younger and we’d be out, she’d always bend over and whisper in my ear, “Tuck your pelvic under, back up straight, and suck that tummy in!” I was only 10 years old and had no idea why I had to be so proper. Little did I know she was setting me up to have fabulous posture and a walk that puts a Victoria’s Secret model to shame! Tucking your pelvic under when you stand and walk creates a sleek silhouette and allows you to sort of “glide” when you move. Most women think that walking with your butt sticking out makes it look bigger. Nah, it just makes you look silly. Instead, imagine a string pulling your hip bones forward, your navel to your spine, your shoulders down, and your spine up. Give it a try: Tuck your pelvic under, suck that tummy in, and pull those shoulders back. Be aware of your posture and try this for a week—you’ll see a dramatic difference in the way you look (it will also flatten your tummy for good) and the way you strut in your stilettos. You can master this posture by doing your Stiletto Body Ritual every morning; your confidence will shoot through the roof!
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Money Matters Mind over money
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hoever said “money isn’t everything” is someone who probably didn’t have any. Money is important, and not just money itself but the power that it has and what it represents. Everything on the face of this planet is run by money. From the house you live in, to the food you eat, to the way your mind thinks—it’s all controlled by money. And money determines the quality of life that you live; the more you have, the better it is. I mean, sure, you can march around saying money isn’t important. You can live in an impoverished neighborhood, never have enough to pay your bills, and be limited to the things you can eat—all because of that silly affirmation. Let’s see how happy you will be. There is nothing wrong about wanting money or realizing the importance of money. It’s not being greedy. Or materialistic. It’s called being practical. Being smart. Getting real. 73
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Mentally Rich Acquiring money starts with your mind. The way you think about money. The things that you say and the way you treat money all have an effect on how much of it you have. Remember when I talked about belief systems? Well, money is one of the main things controlled by your beliefs. So what do you think about money? Do you think it’s hard to acquire? Do you think you can only make money from your job? Do you say things to yourself like, “It’s tough out here”? Or “We’re in a recession” and “I never have any money”? Well, if you read Chapter 3 thoroughly, you should know that those affirmations are shaping your reality. Deeply rooted beliefs that were passed down from generation to generation can also be a factor. Think about everyone in your family. All of you are most likely in the same financial situations. Then think about wealthy people: Everyone in the family has access to money and has the mindset to acquire more. So what mindset have you adopted from your family about money? Did you hear your parents say, “Money doesn’t grow on trees” or “You can’t have that because we don’t have enough”? You are probably holding on to those affirmations in your mind, and they’re causing you to live in the trap of financial despair. Newsflash: There is money all around you!Money is exchanging hands every second, so there is plenty of money to go around. There is enough money on this earth for every person to have one million dollars. People who don’t have money hold a “belief ” that is blocking them from receiving it. So what do you think of money?
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Write down your thoughts: _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ Value for Money Are your bills just crumpled up, gathering like trash at the bottom of your purse? Are there loose dollar bills scattered around your house and change in between your couch cushions? These say a lot about how you value money. It says, “I don’t care, money isn’t important.” How well do you respect the material things that money allowed you to buy? Do you take care of your clothes and keep your house clean? Or are clothes thrown all over the place and is your house a complete mess? Is your car clean? Or is it dirty with dents and scratches all over and with junk in the backseat? When you physically respect your material things—and physical money itself—you are placing a high regard for what money represents in your life. Remember: You will never receive anything that you can’t handle. So if you don’t know how to handle money, you’ve already figured out why you don’t have any. Gratitude When money is low, bills are due, and you’re stressed out, it can be easy to develop a very unappreciative attitude. You look at the money that you have and cringe at the thought of having to give it to the gas 75
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company or your landlord. Or you pay your credit card bills late because you don’t want to let go of the little money that you have. Look at it this way: You have to pay a bill because you were given a service or item in return. Be grateful that you have a home and a landlord, that you have electricity and a piece of plastic to get something now and pay for later. There are people that don’t have that luxury. Pay your bills with gratitude. When you are writing out that check to send in to the cable company, say “thank you.” Pay your landlord or your mortgage with a smile and think of how comfortable your home is. When you do this, you are actually setting yourself up to receive more. Until one is truly grateful for what they have now, they cannot receive any more.
Sources of income Get a JOB Most of us are taught to be employees, to work for someone else at an hourly wage. The reality of this is you are using your time to build someone else’s dream in exchange for just enough money so you can’t live yours. A job stands for Just Over Broke. And that’s exactly what it does: It provides you with just enough money to live, eat, and entertain yourself without going broke. A JOB isn’t your dream; most people aren’t truly passionate about what they do either. So you just do enough work for you not to get fired, and the job pays you just enough for you not to quit. Being an employee is a surefire way to get on a financial treadmill. I don’t care how much it pays. If you get fired, laid off, or the company closes down, your money stops. I’m not telling you to quit your job or that having a job is a bad thing—absolutely not! What I am saying is that it’s not going to give you financial freedom. So read on… 76
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Become Self-Employed A lot of people get this confused with being a business owner. When you’re self-employed, you’re still an employee. Yes, using your gift or talent or providing a service to earn money is a great thing to do. But keep this in mind: If you stop working, so does your money. Self-employment is a big responsibility, but it is one of the first steps to financial independence. It allows you to learn about business and control how much money you actually make. You—and not an hourly wage—dictates just how much you can earn. Own a Business This is where the cash flow starts to come in. A business owner is someone who creates a medium for a product or service to be supplied to people, and this medium is operated by employees. The great thing about business owners is that they don’t have to be present for their business to make money. It doesn’t matter where you are or what you’re doing, cash is always flowing into your pockets. Think about how good that would feel! This is one of the smartest ways to become financially free. Investing Now you’re thinking! You are officially a financially smart woman once you’ve stepped into the world of investing. To sum it up: An investor uses their own capital (money) to gain financial returns. There are many things that you can invest in: real estate, stocks, certain types of bank accounts, different companies, or even people. Investing is a surefire way to watch your money grow. But investing takes patience and practice. You have to learn how to be a savvy investor; if you don’t, you might find yourself in big trouble. 77
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How much money you have and your ability to make more comes from making a firm decision on which source you choose to get money from. Granted becoming a savvy investor or starting your own business doesn’t happen overnight—and yes, it takes time, money, and planning to do these things—that doesn’t mean you can’t increase your cash flow right now.
Ways to Increase Your Cash Flow Money is flowing everywhere! Figuring out how to make it flow toward you is the challenge. This is where creativity comes in. Now do you see why it’s a valuable skill for a woman to have? Here are a few creative ways to increase your cash flow while you are setting yourself up for financial freedom. Provide a Service Are you a skilled writer or graphic designer? Can you translate any other language? Can you type well or have administrative skills? Do you have good taste in interior design? There are websites like craigslist.com or elance.com where you can post your service and let people find you. Teach a Class What are you good at that other people want to know how to do? Can you dance? Do you know how to do make-up? You can even do a cooking class. (Hey, maybe everyone hasn’t had a chance to read this book yet!) Organize a class and advertise around your day job, school, and church, and let people know what you do. If you have just five people a week taking a class—at $50 bucks each—that’s a nice little chunk of change. 78
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Become a Consultant The title “consultant” is getting more and more popular these days. You can basically put any word before consultant and turn it into a job: Marketing Consultant, Financial Consultant, Wardrobe Consultant, Beauty Consultant, Technology Consultant, and so on. You can be so creative with this, and people will actually pay you for your services! I know because I have paid several people to “consult” with me in different areas of my life. Join a Direct Sales Company (Also Known as Network Marketing) This is a definite way to increase your cash flow. I know firsthand: Network marketing is what funded my dreams! You may have heard of some companies like Mary Kay or Avon but there are hundreds of others that give you an opportunity to make a ton of money. Direct sales is where you become a “consultant” for a company and you sell a product directly to the customer and get a percentage of the profit, typically anywhere between 20-50%. The great thing about some of these companies is you get paid right away; some even have debit cards where your money is directly deposited. You can make anywhere from $50 to a couple thousand dollars a month, depending on how much you sell. Some people even earn a full-time or six-figure income from their direct sales business. Hell, I even know a few millionaires. You can do this by building a team of people and getting a percentage of what they sell. I truly believe that direct sales is one of the best ways to have an additional stream of income and—in some cases—an express route to financial freedom. Unfortunately, the direct sales industry has gotten a bad rap from people who tried it and didn’t find success—and because they didn’t, they called it a “pyramid scheme.” It’s far from that! 79
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The real definition of a pyramid is a job. Your boss it at the top and the managers, supervisors, and employees (meaning you) exist somewhere down below. Don’t let terrible belief about network marketing stop you from trying and possibly making money. Sell on E-bay This is a quick and easy way to make some extra cash. Go through your house and find things that are of value but which you’re not using anymore. One man’s trash is really another man’s treasure. I once sold an old Chanel bag on e-bay for $200, so I know for a fact that this works. Start an Investment Club Get a couple of girlfriends and do the research on a few profitable companies. Each of you put a couple hundred dollars and invest in the company. When you get your return, split it among yourselves. Who knows, you may even quadruple your investments.
How Much are You Worth? The world will gladly pay you what you ask of it. So knowing what your worth is important. I’m not talking about your “self-worth”; I’m talking about how much your time is valued at. Too often we let a job or someone else determine our value. When you have set a standard for yourself and accept nothing less, then you will begin to be paid what you’re worth. So ask yourself: What qualities, skills, and services do I provide, and how much are they worth? Literally. So you may say: “I am a graphic designer and my services are worth $70 an hour.” When you know that 80
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number exactly, and assertively tell the world, that is what you will be paid. I remember back when I was building my website for this book, I was in need of a videographer to film and edit a short segment. I met this guy at a coffee shop who said he was a videographer. Great, I thought; so I asked him how much he charges. He said “Eh ya know, doesn’t really matter.” Doesn’t really matter?! So I asked again, “How much do you usually charge?” And he gave me another unclear answer—like his services weren’t worth much. He finally threw out $200, and I said “Deal!” Little did he know, I had done my research and had set a budget of $1000 for that project. So he lost out on $800 because he wasn’t clear about what his service was worth. The world will gladly pay you what you say you’re worth. This even goes for a job. You shouldn’t be concerned about how much the job pays; they should be concerned about how much you’re worth. Take a moment and ask yourself: “What am I worth?” _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________
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Get money conscience I’m no financial expert, so I’m not going to sit here and tell you how to boost your credit score or how to spend your money. I approach money from a totally different standpoint than most people. I believe 1) that accumulation of money starts in your mind and 2) the more you know about money, the more you can handle it. So I want this to be your starting point in increasing your money conscience and awareness. Yes, there are hundreds of books out there that will teach you how to get your ish together—financially speaking. I just wanted to give you a nudge to wake you up a little. Here are some books that will teach you what you need to know to be a finance-savvy Goddess that you deserve to be: Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill (My favorite—I read it over and over.) Rich Dad, Poor Dad by Robert Kiyosaki Smart Women Finish Rich by David Bach The Money Book for the Young, Fabulous and Broke by Suze Orman
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Part 2
Welcome to the Wonderful World of Domestication
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7
How to Boil Water
Successful cooking and success in life start with the basics
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f course you know how to boil water. Step one: Grab a pot. Step two: Fill the pot with the desired amount of water. Step three: Place pot on stove. Step four: Turn stove on, and heat water until lots of bubbles appear. Simple, right? Of course it is. But now that you’ve got that water boiling, what are you going to do with it? Make pasta? Okay, but how do you figure out how much you need so you don’t cook too much? Also, when should you add it to the pot, and how do you know when it’s done? And do you really need to add salt, or can you do without it? Suddenly, boiling water isn’t as easy as it sounds. If you don’t know what to do with it, then all you’ve got is a pot of hot liquid. Most of us don’t know how to cook. We think we can cook because we followed some recipes, made a few things that were edible, and didn’t burn the house down in the process.
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That’s not cooking. That’s following directions. Just like assembling a bookshelf from Ikea doesn’t make you a carpenter, following recipes doesn’t make you a cook. If you lost the directions, can you figure out what to do? That’s what I thought. Being a Domestic Goddess means that you don’t need a recipe all the time to whip up something fabulous!
Why We Can’t Cook Who can we blame for our pathetic culinary skills? Let’s start with our mothers. Don’t get me wrong, they meant well when they chased us out of the kitchen and encouraged us to go out, get advanced degrees, and start our own businesses. Our moms didn’t want us to become housewives. They wanted us to become doctors, lawyers, and CEOs—professional women who can compete with the old boy’s club, who didn’t need to rely on a man to bring home the bacon. Or if they were traditionalists, they had no clue and no comment on how to negotiate a changing world where women had the option to pursue their dreams. In either case, the art of cooking got lost along the way. Their good intentions left us clueless in the kitchen, lacking the know-how to cook meals for ourselves (never mind a family!) on a regular basis. So what do we do? Live on expensive takeout, restaurant meals and pre-packaged, reheat-and-eat dishes loaded with sodium and preservatives. And if we do decide to cook, it’s boxed rice, canned vegetables, and pre-seasoned meat. Now that’s no way to feed your soul—or anyone else’s for that matter.
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But mom isn’t the only one to blame. Remember Home Economics? By the time most of us got to high school, the required course that taught cooking, cleaning, scheduling, and budgeting skills became an elective—if it was even still being offered at all. Budget cuts, social trends, whatever the reason, good old-fashioned Home Econ 101 went out of style with acid washed jeans, leaving us with a serious lack of kitchen knowledge, a complete inability to efficiently purchase groceries, and no idea how to go about creating a meal off the top of your head. (But acid wash is back—can you believe it?—so maybe there is hope for domesticity bliss?) If mom didn’t sit us on a stool and give us formal cooking lessons, and our schools couldn’t be bothered to teach us the basics, how did we learn how to cook? More often than not, we had to teach ourselves through a trial-and-error process that left an explosion of ingredients and set off a smoke alarm or two. Because the foundation of cooking wasn’t instilled in our generation, we have somehow developed a sort of “laziness” to get in our own kitchens and cook on a regular basis.
Rediscover the Joy of Cooking—A Metaphor for Life We shouldn’t learn how to cook just because we feel like we have to. Cooking is fun. Cooking is sexy—whoever said that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach definitely knew a little something! Cooking is an excellent way to express our creativity and accomplish something that has nothing to do with our careers. At its purest, most basic level, cooking is a metaphor for life. Best of all, the skills that we acquire learning how to cook can be applied to other areas of our lives. For example, when we know how
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to make a week’s worth of meals on a budget, we can figure out how to save up enough money on other things to pay for that next pair of fierce Louboutin platforms—with cash instead of credit. Or if you can figure out how to make a complete meal with a box of noodles, an onion, and some meat, you can figure out a creative way to solve any problem that you have. Few things compare to the rush you get from seeing the results from something you created, and that feeling is a guaranteed side effect when you make a meal that’s not just edible, but delicious! That’s a natural high, one that will have you patting yourself on the back and feeling like there’s nothing you can’t do in your life. If cooking has never made you feel that way, then it’s about time that it did. Let these next few chapters be your guide to unleashing your culinary confidence. Now let’s get you familiar with your kitchen: It can be an intimidating place, but don’t be afraid. I’m going to walk you through everything you need to know and put you on the path towards becoming that Domestic Goddess. First things first, let’s figure out what kind of cook you are right now. Pick one from the three categories that best describe your culinary personality. The Ingénue If you’re getting settled into your first post-college apartment or if you’ve survived for the past few years on nothing but takeout, Lean Cuisines, and restaurant meals, then you’re definitely an Ingénue. Your idea of meal preparation is reheating leftovers. Your kitchen cabinets are filled with out-of-season clothes instead of non-perishable food items. Is that dust on your stovetop? If so, you’ll definitely want to start here.
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The Diva You know a thing or two about making meals, have a handful of dogeared cookbooks on your shelf, and a dozen or so recipes you can make without having to follow step-by-step directions. You can pull together a variety of appetizers if company drops by, but the thought of preparing a big holiday dinner leaves you in a cold sweat. The Goddess-in-Training You like to get creative when you cook, and whipping up a little something on the fly is usually not a problem, but your aspirations outpace your abilities. You’d like to learn how to fire up a flambé, whip up a frappe, and lay out some canapés. (For all you Ingénues and Divas that we just lost with that jargon, don’t worry. You’ll get there in no time.) This is the category for all you Food Network junkies who dream of recreating the recipes from your favorite shows—complete with garnishes—but have fancy appliances and utensils that tend to go unused. Now that you know where you stand, let’s take a closer look at what you should be working with. The Ingénue’s got the basics, the Diva is kicking it up a notch, and the Goddess is taking it to a whole other level. Keep in mind that the Ingénue may have a few things that the Diva and Goddess don’t, but the level of difficulty and expertise generally increases by category.
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8
Kitchen Necessities
Master the art of cooking—and add spice to your own life
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ow that we’ve defined your “culinary personality,” if you’re ever going to hold court in the kitchen, then you must know your way around it—and everything that’s in it. No Goddess is ever caught unaware of the things going on around her. So do you know your rotisserie from your roaster? Oven from broiler? Your mince from your dice? Here’s a quick crash course on cooking and kitchen speak—for the Ingenue, Diva, and Goddess.
Major Appliances Ingénue The Stove The most basic of all cooking appliances, everybody has one. (If you 89
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don’t have a stove, you need to have a serious chat with your landlord.) Most stoves (or “ranges,” as they’re also known) have four burners and are powered by either gas or electricity. Here’s how to tell the difference: A gas stove has open flames, while the electric has coils that conduct heat. Is one better than the other? Generally speaking, an electric stove cooks more efficiently and will produce less smoke because heat is more evenly distributed. However, if you’d like to do some fancy things like char a red pepper, you just can’t pull that off without the kind of nice, controlled fire that a gas stove provides. But electric stoves are easier to clean—just wipe and go—whereas the gas ones will require you to lift out the grates to get to those hard-to-reach splatters and crumbs. The Oven (and Broiler) Otherwise known as “that big thing with the door,” the oven is sometimes below the stove, other times it’s a separate appliance that can come with a broiler underneath. The oven is where to cook things that need to be surrounded by heat, such as whole chickens or casserole dishes (lasagna, macaroni & cheese, etc.), while the broiler is where you put things that need a quick hit of direct heat, like your more tender cuts of meat, poultry, and fish. The Refrigerator The ideal place for most of your perishables (i.e. the things that will spoil pretty quickly if you don’t store them in a cool place), like milk, eggs, orange juice, cheese, lunchmeat, soda, white wine, cut fruits and vegetables, and leftovers you plan to polish off within a few days, are just a few of the things that take up residence in the fridge. If you haven’t noticed it already, find the knob on the inside (or the LED display, if 90
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your fridge is really fancy) and check the temperature. Too cold and your food will have little ice crystals on it. Too warm and that milk that should have lasted a few weeks will curdle days after you bought it. The Freezer If you’re a true ingénue, this is where you keep the Haagen-Daazs and ice cubes—and not much else. But the freezer’s usefulness extends far beyond freezing your ice cream. Use it to store certain types of leftovers for the long-term and to keep bagged frozen fruits and vegetables handy so you can thaw them out and enjoy them out-of-season or when you don’t have time to pick up fresh produce. The Microwave This is that other appliance with the door, the small one that heats and cooks with microwaves instead of fire and hot coils. While ideal for reheating most leftovers and cooking things like microwave meals (which you shouldn’t be eating too many of anyway) and popcorn, cooking anything else in here should be avoided. The Toaster Slices of bread, bagels, toaster waffles, and Pop Tarts—they all go in here for crunchy-on-the-outside, warm-on-the inside goodness. All toasters have an adjustable timer or heat setting, so play around until you find the settings that toast things up just the way you like them. Wide-slot toasters are sold practically everywhere, so don’t cram those oversized bagels into a regular toaster. And never, ever stick your finger or a utensil into the toaster to free a stuck piece of bread, that’s a definite no-no! 91
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Diva The Food Processor Chopping, mincing, and dicing by hand works in small batches, but if you need to add a lot of cut up ingredients to a dish or are making several dishes at once, a food processor is a godsend. Equipped with different types of blades, a good processor will cut your food preparation time in half. The Blender It doesn’t require too much expertise to work a blender, but if you know how to get creative with one, the possibilities are practically endless. Whip up a smoothie for breakfast, create yummy frozen cocktails, mix together wet ingredients for a recipe—you get the idea. The Coffee Maker Coffee makers can be simple little devices that only require you to stick a pre-filled pod of ground beans in a slot and wait for the magic to happen, or they can be complicated, programmable pieces of machinery that grind fresh beans and “sense” how weak or strong you want your Joe to be. Coffeemakers need a lot of TLC and regular cleaning. If your model uses filters, you’ll have to replace them often. And if your machine is a drip model, you’ll have to run a bottle of white vinegar through it at least once a month to keep mildew from altering the taste of your coffee. The Outdoor Grill This earns a spot in the Diva section of appliances because anything involving an open flame in the great outdoors requires a little extra 92
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know-how! Types of grills range from the old-school charcoal kettles and portable hibachis to gas-powered varieties. Make sure there’s plenty of open space to use your grill properly, and never, ever use one indoors—not even in an enclosed porch. Also, resist the urge to get your fire going faster by pouring on more kerosene than you need—unless you think singed eyebrows are a good look. The Slow Cooker These babies may have fallen out of vogue in recent years, but if you like the idea of coming home to a cooked meal, a slow cooker is for you. Set it up in the morning, put your ingredients in, program the heat setting, and when you walk in the door in the evening, you’ll be greeted by the fabulous scent of dinner. Goddess The Stand Mixer If you’re serious about baking (and have enough counter space), you’ll want to invest in a good electric hand mixer. Once you have one, you’ll never want to hand mix anything ever again. And, if you care to invest in some attachments, you can use your mixer to create homemade pastas, ice creams, and to grind your own meat. The Rotisserie Not an essential but definitely a timesaver! A rotisserie can cut cooking time in half and is ideal for whole chickens and other poultry. Your bird will come out even, with crunchy, perfect skin, and unlike using a regular oven, you won’t have to remember to come back and baste it to keep the meat from drying out. 93
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Pots, Pans and Bake Ware Ingénue 10-Inch Fry Pan Unless you’re cooking for a small army, a 10-inch fry pan is big enough to handle things like chicken breasts, fish, and pancakes. 4-Quart Saucepan with Lid A nice 4-quarter will keep your pasta sauces from splattering all over the stove—if you’ve ever attempted to make sauce in a fry pan, you know what I’m talking about here. They are also ideal for dishes that require even heat distribution, like rice, oatmeal, and steamed vegetables. 3-Quart Saute Pan with Lid A sauté pan is ideal for anything that needs to be cooked in a hurry— think stir-fries, vegetables, fish, chicken, and lean cuts of meat. 7-Quart Stockpot with Lid This pot is deep enough to handle all of your pastas, make batches of soups and stews. If you need to make something that won’t fit into your sauté pan, use the stockpot instead. Baking Sheet Beloved for making cookies, it’s flat and thin for fast, even results. Diva 12-inch Fry Pan Just a bit bigger, this pan handles larger cuts of meat—or use it when the 10-inch is busy cooking something else. 94
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5-1/2 Quart Dutch Oven Also known as a French oven or a casserole dish, this piece of cookware is perfect for hearty soups, stews, and yes, casseroles. Dutch ovens are thicker than most other pots to better spread heat to the center. Roaster To get those whole chickens done with minimal mess, you’ll need a roaster with a rack insert. This will keep the bottom of your bird from burning, and direct the drippings away so the meat and skin won’t be soggy. Muffin Pan Put the batter into the little holes, and out come perfectly formed muffins. Baking Dish For oven-bake casseroles, roast vegetables, and more, use glass or stoneware, depending on your budget. Goddess Wok If you’re serious about stir-fry, a wok pan with a rounded bottom concentrates heat in the center—making it easier and faster to cook all of your ingredients evenly. You can also use it to braise and fry the oldfashioned way. Grill Pan This is what you use when you want to recreate the same grilled look 95
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and taste you’d get in your backyard—but in the convenience of your kitchen. A grill pan looks just like a regular pan, but with raised grills that look like road bumps on the bottom, or it can be a long, flat pan with handles on each end that fits over two burners. Crepe Pan If you have a crepe pan, I’m scared of you—and I want to come over for brunch! Crepes are notoriously hard to master, and this specially designed pan makes it as easy as possible to get that crispy, light texture. You can also whip this pan out to make regular ol’ pancakes. Cake Pan Use round or square, depending on your preference.
Utensils Ingénue Basic Flatware These are the forks, knives, and spoons that you’ll use every day to eat your meals. Ideally, you should have four of each handy (more if you have a large family or like to entertain), and they should all match! If the ones you have are scratched up, bent, or broken, replace them immediately. Now, there’s no need to head for the silverware section of a fancy department store to replenish your flatware drawer. Places like Target, Ikea, and Pier 1 have great selections that are suitable for any budget. Just find a set you like that feels good in your hands—not too heavy, not too light—and you’re good to go. 96
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Serving Fork and Spoon Larger than a place setting, these get portions from the serving dish to the plate with ease. Pierced/Slotted Spoon Used when cooking, this long-handled spoon lets liquids drain out so you can separate out solid bits of food. Ladle Like a deep spoon with a long bent handle, ladles get into deep pots and resurface with soups, chili, and more with minimal mess. Mixing Bowls You’ll want to have several of these on hand in a variety of sizes to use for jobs as small as whisking one egg or as large as combining ingredients for a casserole. Start with an 8-inch, a 10-inch, and a 12-inch diameter bowl, and fill out your collection with bigger and smaller sizes as you see fit. Diva Steak Knives When it comes to cutting up certain things, like a juicy steak, a regular knife won’t do. A steak knife has a serrated edge, all the better to slice through thick cuts of meat, and it’s slightly heavier so you can keep a firm grip. Butter Knives You’ll probably only break these out for entertaining or, more often, if 97
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you eat a lot of bread with your meals. Smaller and rounder than other knives, you won’t accidentally cut anything with one of these. Salad Servers A rounded fork with fat tines and a flat spoon are ideal for grabbing greens and chopped salad ingredients. Pastry Server Cut out a piece of pie, cake, etc. with one side, and use the other to lift it out and place the serving onto a plate. Goddess Soup Spoons Flatter and wider than regular spoons, soup spoons keep slurping and spillage to a minimum. Salad Forks Shorter than a basic fork, these usually have a lighter handle. Cocktail Forks If shellfish (lobster, crab, etc.) is on your menu, it’s a good idea to have these around to get delicate meat out of hard-to-reach places. Teaspoons Tiny and delicate, these are perfect for stirring after-dinner tea (and coffee, by the way).
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Cutlery Ingénue Paring Knife Small and smooth-bladed, this knife handles the detail work: peeling vegetables, deveining shrimp, and removing seeds from peppers. Utility Knife This is a good, multi-purpose knife, but not the best choice for big, hearty vegetables or meats. Chef’s Knife A workhorse knife with a slightly rounded blade, it’s designed to create clean, even slices. Serrated Knife Also called a bread knife, this weighty blade with a saw-like edge slices bread and delicate produce (think tomatoes) without mashing them down. Kitchen Shears Use these to cut open packaging, remove excess fat, and trim small vegetables. They’re especially good for cutting up small amounts of fresh herbs. Sharpening Steel Knife blades get dull over time, and if you don’t sharpen them, it will take you longer to prepare ingredients—and you might even hurt yourself. Run your knives down the sharpening steel to keep them ready to cut. 99
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Diva Carving Knife A long, thin-blade knife that cuts meat precisely, it’s ideal for cutting up roasts and poultry. Cleaver This heavy rectangular knife is what you need to cut up a whole chicken with ease. Goddess Boning Knife Does exactly what you think it does, without shredding the surrounding meat, thanks to its flexible blade. Fillet Knife Working with a whole fish? This flexible knife gets under the skin and around the bones.
Cooking Tools Ingénue Grater Shred veggies and cheese with ease. You can get the kind that you hold over a bowl, but I like the box graters that have different-sized holes and a hatch at the bottom so you don’t get food all over the place.
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Peeler Those potatoes won’t peel themselves, and unless you want to risk a trip to the E.R., you don’t want to peel something with a knife. Peelers have double-sided blades that shear off skin and keep your hands safe. Measuring Cups and Spoons Unless you can eyeball teaspoons, tablespoons, and cups, you need these. A set of cups should include 1/4, 1/3, half, and whole cups, while a measuring spoon set should have a ¼, ½, and 1 teaspoons and 1 tablespoon. Strainer Get rid of the liquid from pastas and boiled veggies without losing your food down the sink. Pour the pot or pan, contents and all, into a strainer, let the water drain out of the bottom, and give it a little shake to coax out those extra stubborn droplets. Diva Spatula Use it to stir, spread, and flip food that needs to be evenly cooked on both sides. These can be wood, metal, or silicone. My vote’s for the silicone—it won’t leave scratches behind and doesn’t conduct heat. Whisk Whip up some eggs, mix together ingredients, get the lumps out of batter—whisks add air as you move them around, resulting in a lighter, fluffier consistency. You should have two: a flat whisk to use in shallow bowls or in a pan and a balloon whisk to get into deep bowls and pots. 101
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Goddess Rolling Pin Because you don’t believe in store-bought crusts, you like to make them the old-fashioned way—ditto for biscuits and cuts of meat that could use a little flattening. Basting Brush Use it to spread juices over an oven-cooked chicken to prevent dryout. Pastry Brush For you fancy bakers out there, this little brush will spread butter on delicate pastries and crusts, giving you that coveted browned effect. Kitchen Torch Fire it up to give crème brulee its distinctive crunchy topping and quickly caramelize sugars in other desserts. Now you are officially a Domestic Goddess if you have one of these babies in your kitchen!
Preparation Techniques Ingénue Chop Simply put, chopping is cutting things up with a knife, usually into bitesize pieces. Work it like the pros do! Keep your knifes sharp and keep the fingers of your opposite hand out of the blade’s way. Some people curl their fingers under or steady the food with their fingernails. Find what works for you and keeps you out of the emergency room. 102
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Dice Just like chopping, only now you’re cutting things into smaller pieces, about half to a quarter of the size of chopped ingredients. Grate Use a kitchen grater to turn blocks of cheese into fabulously thin slices that are perfect for adding to your cooking or sprinkling on top of chili, soups, salads, and more. Whisk Break out a whisk and give your wrist a workout! Whisking adds air to wet ingredients, transforming egg whites into fluffy meringues, for example, or mixing whole uncooked eggs into a blend that makes the perfect scramble. Whisking also combines wet and dry ingredients smoothly and evenly. Blend A super-fast way to combine different ingredients, it can be done in a blender, a food processor, or old-school style with a spoon or spatula. Diva Julienne This is the slicing of food—generally, vegetables—into thin slices, roughly about 1/8 of an inch thick and at least an inch in length. Marinate Give your foods a good soak, and they’ll give you a lot of flavor. Marinating involves immersing raw ingredients into a flavored sauce 103
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(such as a soy sauce, oil, vinegar, or herb-based sauces) and letting them absorb the liquid for a half hour or longer. Peel Removing the skin of fruits and vegetables takes a bit of practice. You don’t want to cut too deep and remove the good parts that you’re trying to get to. You can peel with a knife (the smaller and sharper, the better), but a vegetable peeler makes the process much easier. Goddess Stuff Hello, Thanksgiving! Stuffing done right isn’t as easy as cramming the bird’s backside full of bread and vegetables and letting it do its thing in the oven. If you’re not careful, the bird will be undercooked and the stuffing will absorb raw juices. Pay close attention to the bird’s internal temperature (use a cooking thermometer for an accurate reading) or skip the stuffing and bake a dressing instead. It’s the same ingredients, just baked in a casserole dish instead of inside the bird. I won’t tell anyone you cheated. Reduce When you want a little less of the liquid to reduce the volume and concentrate the flavors, heat it and boil off some of the juice until you achieve the desired amount and consistency. Puree The goal here is to create a thick liquid, so you’re using a strainer or crushing ingredients (normally beans or veggies) to break down or 104
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remove solid pieces. The puree that remains becomes its own ingredient that is then added to your cooking.
Cooking Techniques Ingénue Boil Boiling heats liquid (excluding oils) in a pot until you see a lot of little bubbles. It doesn’t need to be just plain water; boiling potatoes in lowfat chicken stock or vegetable stock, for example, gives them a rich, hearty flavor. Steam The next level of boiling! Steaming takes the vapors from boiled water and cooks food in an indirect way. This is a great way to cook vegetables, especially if you like a nice, crunchy texture. You can do this with a special steamer pot, if you like, or you can place a strainer on top of a pot and cover it with a lid. Bake Fire up the oven and put your food inside! Baking uses dry heat to cook food slowly, making it ideal for things that you definitely don’t want to overdo, like temperamental breads and other baked goods. Sauté This is what is known as a “browning” technique, using small amounts of butter or oil at high heat in a pan on the stove. Sautéing keeps foods nice and juicy (perfect for things like pork chops, filet mignon, and thin 105
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strips of flank steak) while searing in the flavor. The juices that remain are commonly used to make a sauce, or simply drizzled straight from the pan onto the food to enhance the taste. If you don’t use the juices, technically you’re pan-searing, not sautéing. Grill Fire it up, baby! This is cooking over direct heat, right on top of an open flame. The grill gives you a surface to place food on, making cooking fast. Just make sure you’re keeping that fire under control. Stir-Fry A technique using hot oil and high heat, stir-frying retains the crunchy texture of vegetables and cooks meats and tofu quickly. Diva Roast This is baking in the oven, but at a higher temperature and for a shorter amount of time. When meats are roasted, you can baste them with the juices that drip to the bottom of the pan to avoid dry-out. Do this every few minutes if you can remember—no one likes a dry cut of meat! Deep-Fry Kind of like boiling, but with hot oil, frying is a quick-cook process that creates a crunchy-on-the-outside texture, especially when you cook meats with their skins on or anything with bread crumbs or flour coating. It’s not a complicated technique, but it is a bit high-maintenance—you better keep your eye on the stove or risk burning your food, yourself, and your entire kitchen. 106
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Slow-Cook If you’re married, someone probably bought you a slow-cooker (a.k.a. Crock Pot®) whether you actually registered for one or not. If you’ve yet to say “I do,” give this gift to yourself. Slow-cookers are deep, selfheating stand-alone electrical appliances that cook foods at a low temperature, allowing you to fill it, set it, forget it, and enjoy a ready-toeat meal hours later. Barbecue Think grilling, but with a sauce or spice rub added before cooking. Additional sauce is normally brushed on while cooking to keep food from drying out. Meats and vegetables can also be marinated beforehand. Goddess Broil Broilers cook food in a drawer under the direct heat source of most ovens. Don’t have a separate broiler? You can get the same effect if your oven has two different sources of heat. Turn the lower heat source off, turn the upper one on, and place your food close to the upper source Braise It all goes down in a pot, with the moist heat created from liquid (typically tomatoes or wine) turning the toughest of meats into meltin-your-mouth goodness. Vegetables are often added and the remaining liquid can be used to make a killer sauce.
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Caramelize This uses direct heat under a broiler or a kitchen torch to brown sugar, like the yummy, nutty topping on crème brulee. Simmer This is cooking with water just below the boiling point—requiring a close eye and finesse at keeping the temperature right where it needs to be. Bring water to a boil and then back the heat down gradually until the bubbles stop appearing. Ideal for keeping delicate foods (that may turn mushy under a full boil) intact and for anything that you don’t want fully cooked, such as a poached egg.
Preserve Your Sexy Kitchen Swagger Okay, so you know what you’re doing. You’ve got your lingo down pat. Now let’s talk about what you look like in the kitchen. Plain and simple, you need to look good! Not just cute in a clean-and-smelling-good sort of way, but cute in a sexy, damn-girl-what-are-you-making-in-here way. We want your man to catch a whiff of what you’re making and come into the kitchen to see you looking just as delicious as the dish. Get the picture? So let’s take a look at what you’re working with. If your usual kitchen attire is a worn-out velour sweat suit, a ratty robe or housecoat, or anything with a stain or a tear, you need to be ashamed of yourself. Please don’t run around your own home looking like a hot mess. I don’t want the UPS guy to think you’re some sloppy maid, and I definitely don’t want your man to catch you looking like his greatgrandma. 108
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Don’t let anyone else (or for that matter your own mirror), catch you looking like anything less than the refined and sophisticated lady of the house that you really are. I know your old clothes are comfortable, and I’m not asking you to buy a new wardrobe, but you know when certain things pass the “wear by” date. If you wouldn’t be caught dead wearing something out in public, don’t wear it in your kitchen; get rid of it. Now. Of course you don’t bust out your couture when you’re leaning over a hot stove. But spice it up a bit—not only will it make you look good, but your man will definitely appreciate it! Now that we’ve got you looking good, can we talk about those flipflops on your feet? Yes, you’ll want to lose those. Unless your house is on the beach, flip-flops in the kitchen aren’t hot. Neither are fuzzy slippers. Nothing screams “I’m a housewife and I’ve let myself go” more than footwear that makes you look like you have paws. Your only excuse is if your kids gave them to you for Mother’s Day. Then you can wear them a few times for their sake until you “accidentally” misplace them. And ditto for those hideous, plastic cloggy things. You’re not working in the garden, and you’re not a professional chef slaving away on an eight-hour restaurant shift. You don’t need to wear those anti-fashion statements. And did I mention they’re hideous? Seriously, plastic clogs are like man repellent. If you’ve got these on you, might as well pull on a plaid muumuu, tie a bandana around your head, and call it a day. So what should you wear on your feet? Um…stilettos, of course! It’s such a liberating experience! Swaying around in the kitchen, bending over a hot oven with an arch in your back—yes, unleash your sexiness in the kitchen. 109
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Now, let’s talk about wearing those stilettos. There’s a right way and a wrong way to wear those babies, and the wrong way is clomping around like your feet hurt. So not sexy. If you haven’t worn stilettos in a while (or ever!), you’ll have to get in some practice time. Start out just standing still in your stilettos. You’re about three to five inches higher off the ground than when you are in flats and sneakers, and that takes a little getting used to. Try shifting your weight around and placing one foot in front of the other. Next, take a little stroll. When you walk in stilettos, your hips should sway gently, like a tree blowing in the breeze. That horse-like strut that supermodels do on the runway may look hot on television, but it looks sort of ridiculous and kind of scary in real life. Think subtle shifts, not popping hip joints. And your feet should glide across the floor. No stomping. The heel should meet the floor with a click, not a thud. Repeat this affirmation: I am light on my feet. I am light on my feet… Put on some music and practice walking in rhythm. As you walk, pull your pelvic under and lean your shoulders back. Never walk with your butt sticking out and your shoulders forward. This gives you a “bird” look when you walk—not a good thing. Keep your legs together; as much as possible, they should almost touch as you walk to create a sort of “V” shape in the lower body. When you stand, be careful not to look like a quarterback, with your feet wide apart. Go for the ballerina stance: feet looking almost like the letter “T” and your knees pointed in. If you have to bend over in your stilettos, start out bending from the knees, not the waist. A waist bend (which your man will love, by the way) is an advanced move that will send you crashing to the floor if you aren’t careful. So give it a little practice, throw on some stilettos, and get in the kitchen! 110
9
Goddess Etiquette Say “Please” and “Thank you”
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idn’t your mother ever tell you to say “please” and “thank you”? I’m sure she taught you these magic words (among other things), but it’s rare to find a woman with true manners nowadays. We go through our days pushing and bumping past each other, not saying “thank you” to the cashier, or even saying “good morning” to the ones we love. Not because we are trying to be rude; we just don’t fully understand that manners are another form of gratitude. Yes, gratitude—showing appreciation or acknowledging another person for his or her actions. It’s also another form of awareness—being aware of what you are giving and receiving in the world. Your manners also display your class, your gracefulness, and how unselfish you are. It releases part of your inner beauty and, in a way, adds to your glow. 111
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My Story When I first moved to New York, it was a total culture shock! Growing up in the Midwest with a southern family, manners were just instilled in me. As I walked the streets no one spoke to each other; no one said excuse me or thank you or even made eye contact with each other. I thought, “What’s wrong with these people?” But before I knew it, I was the same way. I went through my days caught up in the hustle and bustle, only speaking when spoken to—which was rare. I was also bitter all the time. I felt unappreciated by the people that were around me, and I’m sure they felt the same from me. I took a trip back home, and I remember a friend of mine took me out to eat. I barely looked at the waiter and never said “please” or “thank you” while I was being served. At the end of our dinner, my friend said to me, “What’s your problem? You can’t say ‘thank you’? You’ve really changed since you moved.” Then it hit me. I’ve forgotten the golden rule: Do unto others as you would have them do to you. I had become a rude, unappreciative, little b*****! From that moment on, I always remembered to say please and thank you. And to my surprise, when I started to show my appreciation and politeness to others, I started to get the same in return. I realized that it wasn’t New York; it was me being rude to other people, and that is what I was getting in return. So now, wherever I go, I always mind my manners!
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Here are a few words and phrases to incorporate into your vocabulary.
* Please you * Thank me * Excuse me * Pardon pleasure * My you * Bless worries * No * Absolutely problem * No be honored * I’dI appreciate * Please forgiveyoume * I apologize (Never say I’m sorry; that’s an affirmation—and * you’re not a sorry woman.) deserve it (Said in a positive context, of course.) * You you may * Yes, Ma’am/Sir * Yes course you can * Of * You made my day Smile Practice smiling more often. It makes you feel amazing no matter what you are dealing with. Just start smiling when you are pissed off about something and see what it does. It’s also contagious: There is no way you can smile at someone and they don’t smile back. (If they don’t, 113
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they’ve got some serious issues.) That’s where you get the “There’s just something about her” comment made about you. When you exude a feeling of happiness, other people are affected by it. The same goes if you’re walking around looking crazy with your forehead all wrinkled and with a sourpuss, “I’m mad at the world” snarl in your pretty face. People will pick up on your energy and give it right back to you. Then you wonder why everyone seems to have an attitude—no honey, it’s you! I’m not saying walk around looking like Ms. Congeniality of the beauty pageant world. I’m saying practice smiling more. Smile with your eyes and your body language. Laugh more. The next time you’re upset or sad, just start laughing. The only way to bring happiness into your life is to start being happy right now. The next time you see your man or your best friend, light up a big smile and greet them with a hug or a kiss! And watch the energy that you get in return.
Table Manners There’s nothing worse than a woman with bad table manners. She’s got her purse and her elbows on the table, reaching over your plate to grab the hot sauce, drowning her food in pepper, while chewing with her mouth full. Just a mess—a hot ass mess! The way you eat at a table says a lot about your character. You can always spot a poised and graceful Goddess sitting at a table a mile away. The dos and don’ts of dining DO say a prayer or grace to give gratitude for the opportunity to enjoy a meal. 114
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DO place your napkin on your lap before you eat. DO pick up the proper utensils and glassware as you eat. DO say “please” and “thank you” when being served or when asking to pass items across the table. DO cut up large pieces of food to make it easier to eat. DO compliment the chef or gracefully receive compliments if you were the Domestic Goddess who prepared the meal. DO engage in conversation that is stimulating and appropriate for the table. DO eat slowly and with ease; completely chew your food and truly enjoy the moment. DO indulge in dessert and enjoy every piece of it. DON’T chew with your mouth open. DON’T use your cell phone or CrackBerry at the table. DON’T talk while you have food in your mouth. DON’T point, gesture, or talk with your utensils. DON’T talk too loud or too much. DON’T blow on hot food; instead stir it around and sit patiently until it’s cool enough to eat. DON’T take a sip of your drink while you have food in your mouth. DON’T put your purse, keys, or sunglasses on the table. DON’T put your elbows on the table. DON’T take your shoes off under the table. DON’T pick up a utensil or napkin once it has fallen on the floor, instead ask for another one. DON’T scrape your teeth against your utensil. DON’T ask for hot water to “sterilize” your utensils (It’s offensive and doesn’t work anyway.) 115
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DON’T blow your nose at the table. DON’T smack or make chewing noises while you eat. DON’T play with your hair or earrings at the table. DON’T pick or suck your teeth. DON’T order something that you don’t know how to eat unless you are going to ask for instructions (i.e. whole lobster, sushi, oysters). DON’T complain about your food if you don’t like it. Don’t eat it or ask to have it replaced. DON’T talk about being on a diet or needing to lose weight. DON’T place bones, shells, or any unwanted item on the table or on a napkin. Find an empty corner on your plate instead. DON’T spit food back out of your mouth; if you don’t like something, discreetly spit it out in a napkin. DON’T talk about what you don’t like to eat or make negative comments about what others are eating. DON’T lean over to eat your food; sit up straight and bring the utensil to your mouth. Drinking What’s a meal without a nice cold glass of something to drink? Tea, soda, water, juice—so much to choose from but here’s a little secret I want to share with you: Never drink anything (unless it’s wine) before or after you eat. Think about this: What happens to rice or bread when you pour water on it? It expands. Do you ever wonder why you’re full two bites into your meal or why you feel so bloated like you’re about to roll out of your chair? It’s because the food that you are eating is sitting on top of a pool of liquid—and everything is expanding. It’s okay to take a sip while you’re eating if your throat gets dry or you want to clear 116
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your palate. But don’t guzzle down several glasses of water or juice with your meal. Alcohol There’s nothing wrong with having an alcoholic beverage. However, a true Goddess never lets it control her actions or emotions. You should never drink until the point where you’re intoxicated, discombobulated, incoherent, or flat-out drunk! A woman who knows herself should know her limit—and her friend’s too. This may sound funny, but if you want to know how you are when drunk, have “wine and cocktails” night at home. Go ahead and get drunk and see how you act. Take a video. You’ll know exactly what type of behavior you are displaying when you are out in public.
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BEAT THE ALCOHOL BLUES To avoid getting too tipsy or having a possible hangover the next morning, hydrate yourself before you go out and only drink if you have had a full, hearty meal at least an hour before. Have a glass of water between each drink and eat a snack midway through the evening. This will help absorb the alcohol and flush it out of your system. Before you go to bed, drink more water and take a multi-vitamin. This will replenish all of the nutrients that the alcohol stripped away from your body.
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My Story I had recently turned 21 and just started drinking. One of my girlfriends set me up on a blind date with this guy. He was great; he had a degree, a great job, and he was super handsome. We went to dinner at this nice little restaurant. I ordered seafood pasta with extra sauce, and I had an Apple Martini. (I had no idea what was in an Apple Martini; it just looked good.) We enjoyed our dinner, had great conversation, and we seemed to really be hitting it off. Being young and naive I didn’t realize that you weren’t supposed to drink a martini like it was water! So by the time we got up from the table, I was wobbling a little, trying to keep my composure. After dinner we went to a club, and he asked if I wanted a drink. “Sure,” I said. “Whatever you’re having.” WRONG ANSWER! He ordered us two glasses of Long Island Iced Tea, and I drank mine like it was really iced tea. Within 20 minutes my seafood pasta with extra sauce, my Apple Martini, and the Long Island Iced Tea were splattered all over my date’s shirt. I was so embarrassed! Luckily he was a gentleman about it. He escorted me to the ladies room, and he went to clean himself up. Of course we had to leave after that but here’s the worst part: The ride home felt like I was on a rollercoaster. And before I knew it, I had thrown up— again—all over his brand new truck. What a mess! Moral of this story: Know what certain alcoholic concoctions do to you, know your limit, and don’t drink on blind dates!
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Wine and the Glasses They Come In— Let Me Break It Down for You White wine White wine has floral to fruity flavors with a clear to yellowish color. White wine should be served cold. The bowl of the glass is oval-shaped with a long, slender stem. When drinking, it should be held by the stem—not the bowl—to avoid your hand warming the wine. A little trick I like to do when I’m home is to rinse the glass and stick it in the freezer for a minute to frost it. Common white wines: Chardonnay (shar-don-ay) Light, crisp, subtle flavors of fruit and generally with a light aroma of honey Riesling (REES-ling) Full-balanced flavor with strong aromas of peach, melon, or passion fruit; Rieslings can be dry to very sweet depending on the harvest (The later the harvest, the sweeter it is.) Sauvignon Blanc (SO-vin-YAWN-blon) Dry, citrusy flavors with soft notes of melon and honey Pinot Grigio (Pee-no-GRIZ-yo) Very crisp and floral, with an apple and berry flavor; some can be tart and fruity as well
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Gewurztraminer (ga-VERZ-stra-mee-nur) Spicy and dry, with aromas of cloves and roses Moscato (pronounced as spelled) Very sweet, full of fruit and floral flavors; most Moscatos are served as a dessert wine (careful not to drink too many glasses—it’s loaded with sugar) Red Wine: Red wines have robust, rich, intense flavors that can vary from oak to berries—all the way to chocolate. Red wine is also loaded with antioxidants so you should always keep a bottle in stock! Red wine should be served at room temperature. The bowl of the glass is wider and shorter than a glass for white wine. The stem is shorter and typically thicker as well. Red wine needs to breathe so swirling it around helps to release the aromas that have settled at the bottom. You can hold a red wine glass by its bowl because the heat from your hand helps to release the wine’s flavors. Common red wines: Merlot (Mer-lo) Rich oak and blackberry flavors with hints of vanilla, plums and cherries; it is full- to medium-bodied and very smooth, soft, and subtle Cabernet Sauvignon (CAB-er-Nay SO-vin-YAWN) Very similar to Merlot, however, it has more spice to it; it is full-bodied with hints of cedar and cherries.
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Pinot Noir (PEE-no NEW-are) Fruity yet spicy with hints of pepper and plums Shiraz (SHA-raz) Spicy, with aromas of very ripe fruit and with hints of berries Chianti (KEE-aunty) Very subtle, easy aromas with tastes of berries and pepper
DO NOT STICK A STRAW IN A WINE GLASS!
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You may as well wear a sign that says “I have absolutely no class, and I have no business being out in public, drinking alcohol!” The only alcoholic beverage that should have a straw in it is a COCKTAIL—as in a mixed drink! That’s why they are called COCKTAIL straws. If you can’t sense my irritation about this matter from the abuse of capital letters, let me catch you out sitting at a bar with a glass of wine with a straw in it. You’re going to be in big trouble! THE SAME GOES FOR MARTINI GLASSES!
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Shanel’s Secret Recipes Real food gives real satisfaction
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ou should know by now that I’m all about using creativity to get what you want out of life. Well, same with food. I’m a true believer in creating your own recipes and experimenting with different flavors and styles of cooking. That’s what this whole book is about: creating whatever you want. So I’m not going to give you a boatload of recipes that I came up with for myself. I want you to get in your kitchen and create your own. But I do have a few of my favorite dishes that I couldn’t help but share with you. I’m all about flavor, exquisiteness, and the whole experience around preparing and serving your food. The time spent in the kitchen is sacred. And the time spent with friends, your man, and your family over a delicious home-cooked meal is priceless. I don’t believe in cooking “15 minute meals” because life has me so busy. Or shopping on a budget and cooking with inexpensive, convenient ingredients to save money.
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Or using everything that’s fat-free, light, and with as little calories—and taste—as possible so we don’t gain weight. Here’s my philosophy: If you have balance, peace, and joy in your life and your finances are in order and you have a nice cash flow, then you should have the time to spend preparing a real meal and be able to purchase the ingredients you need to whip up something new, exciting, and exotic. If you’re doing your Stiletto Body Ritual, working out, and loving your body, then you should be able to eat whatever you want. However, there are (only) two things that I refuse to cook with and those are salt and sugar—for obvious reasons. I’ve replaced these ingredients in my kitchen with sea salt and agave nectar or honey—all actually much more flavorful and beneficial than the real thing. I like to think of my recipes as sexy, southern comfort food. Food to feed your soul and comfort your spirit—and allows you to unleash your sexiness while you’re cooking! So yes, my recipes have real ingredients, and I want you to prepare them with real love and make sure you have on a real nice pair of stilettos!
Louisiana Style Seafood Gumbo It’s so funny to me when I order gumbo at a restaurant and they bring out their version of Louisiana style chicken soup. It’s such a shame to see most people living their lives with the wrong understanding of what a real Louisiana gumbo tastes like! I am blessed with a family of beautiful Creole Domestic Goddesses who have taught me how to make an additive seafood gumbo. Yes, my family is really from Louisiana. So trust me when I say I know what real gumbo should taste like. Try my recipe and add a little bayou flavor to your life!
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You will need: 4 pounds of medium raw, peeled and deveined shrimp 4 pounds of uncooked blue crabs (preferably 6-8 whole crabs cleaned and split in half) 1 whole stewing hen cut into pieces (or you can use a whole cut up chicken) 1 package of smoked chicken or turkey sausage 1 package of smoked turkey necks 2 large onions 2 medium sized bell pepper 3 cups of freshly sliced or frozen okra 3-4 ribs of celery 2 cloves of garlic 1 cup of flour 2 tablespoons of butter 1 tablespoon of garlic powder Several teaspoons of gumbo filé (Do not skip this ingredient—it’s not gumbo without it!) Creole seasoning ( Just keep the container next to you.) 1 teaspoon of cayenne pepper 1 teaspoon of crushed red pepper ½ tablespoon of ground cumin 3 bay leaves 2 quarts of chicken stock (which you will make from your chicken) 2 cups of water White rice (enough for a full pot)
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Every good gumbo starts with a roux. In a large iron skillet, blend the oil and flour and bring to a medium heat. Stir constantly and be very careful not to burn it. If you see black specks in the pot, you’ve ruined it. You’ll have to start over. Keep stirring until the roux gets a nice dark amber color. (It should take about 15-20 minutes.) Remove from heat to let it cool. (If you don’t, the heat will keep cooking it.) In a large stock pot, add the hen and water and bring it to a boil. Let it boil until more juice from the meat begins to form. Then add the garlic cloves and bay leaves. Continue to boil for another 15-20 minutes. Then add the roux, stir, and bring to a boil. Once it’s boiling, drop in the turkey necks. In a separate skillet, sauté the onions, bell pepper, and celery in the butter along with 3-4 tablespoons of Creole seasoning. (Yes, that’s a lot of seasoning, but this is where the flavor starts to come in.) Sauté for 5 minutes (don’t let them get mushy). Take the skillet off the fire and set aside. Add the sausage, okra, and the rest of the seasonings to the stock pot and continue to boil for another 10 minutes. Turn the heat down and let simmer for 45 minutes. Stir the gumbo every 10 minutes or so. And taste to ensure the flavor is to your liking. (You can add as much Creole seasoning as you’d like—go nuts with it!) While your gumbo is cooking, boil your rice. (Follow the instructions on the box) By this time your gumbo should be nice and robust with a medium consistency. (If it’s too thin, make more roux with more flour; if too thick, add water.) Drop in your crabs and cook on medium heat for another 5-6 minutes. Then drop in your shrimp, gumbo filé, sautéed onions, and celery. Let it cook for one more minute until the shrimp turn pink. Then turn off the heat, stir, and let stand for 10 minutes. Serve over a bowl of rice.
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Ginger Hush Puppies I love these little things. They are simple to make, and they go with anything! You will need: 2 Cups of corn meal 1 tablespoon flour ½ teaspoon baking soda 1 teaspoon baking powder 1 ½ tablespoons agave nectar or honey ½ cup of finely chopped onions 1 cup of buttermilk 1 beaten egg ½ teaspoon of salt ½ teaspoon of ginger powder or extract 1 cup of olive oil (not virgin) or peanut oil Mix together all of the dry (corn meal, flour, salt, baking powder, baking soda) ingredients in a large bowl. Stir in buttermilk, onions, egg, and agave nectar. Heat olive oil in a medium-sized skillet over medium heat. Form small balls about the size of a golf ball, and carefully drop them individually into the hot oil. Fry for 10 minutes or until golden brown.
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Shrimp Creole You will need: 3 medium cloves of minced garlic 1 ½ cups of chopped onion 1 cup of chopped celery 1 cup of bell peppers ¼ cup of butter 1 15-oz can of tomato sauce 1 cup of water 3 tablespoons of Creole seasoning ½ tablespoon of crushed red pepper 2 crushed bay leaves 2 tablespoons of dried parsley 2 lbs. of peeled and deveined medium shrimp 3 cups of rice In a large heavy skillet, add butter, onions, celery, bell pepper, and garlic and sauté until they are tender. Remove from heat and stir in tomato sauce, water, parsley, Creole seasoning, red peppers, and bay leaves. Simmer uncovered for 10 minutes. Add water if needed. Stir in the shrimp and bring to boil. Cover and cook for about 10 minutes on medium heat or until shrimp are pink and tender. Serve over rice.
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Honey Glazed Salmon with Lemon Butter Shrimp Sauce You will need: 2 salmon steaks 10-12 peeled and deveined shrimp 3 tablespoons of olive oil 6 tablespoons of warm honey (run the bottle under hot water) 1 tablespoon of garlic powder 2 tablespoons of salmon seasoning 1 teaspoon of white pepper 4 fresh lemons 2 tablespoons of butter 3 tablespoons of honey mustard 2 cloves of minced garlic Preheat oven on broil. In a small bowl, mix together honey, garlic powder, salmon seasoning, white pepper, and olive oil. Lay salmon on aluminum foil on top of a broiler pan. Pour mixture on top of salmon and rub it in until it is even. Place in the broiler for 10 to 12 minutes. (That’s all the time you need; the salmon will cook fast!) Meanwhile, chop up the shrimp into small chunks. In a medium skillet, bring butter, mustard, garlic, and 1 tablespoon of the salmon seasoning to a light boil and drop in the shrimp. Cook until the shrimp turn pink. Slice the lemons in half and squeeze in the fresh juice into the pan. Stir and let stand for 5 minutes. Transfer the salmon off the broiler pan to a plate and pour the shrimp mixture on top.
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Peach Pepper Duck You will need: 2 duck quarters (leg and thigh attached) 1 cup of peach preserves (Not jelly! Fresh preserves.) 3 whole jalapeño peppers finely chopped 3 tablespoons of olive oil ½ tablespoon of sea salt 1 tablespoon of crushed red pepper flakes 1 tablespoon of Creole seasoning (Have you noticed by now I use this on everything?) Preheat oven to 375 degrees. In a small bowl, mix together the preserves, chopped peppers, and olive oil. Season the duck with the salt, red pepper flakes, and Creole seasoning. Place the duck in a glass baking pan and pour the peach mixture on top. Cover the pan with foil and bake for 1 hour. (Check on the duck midway through cooking and remove the foil so the duck can brown.)
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Pecan Crusted Lamb Chops You will need: 4 fresh lamp chops ½ cup of coarsely ground pecans ¼ cup of fresh chopped parsley 1 tablespoon of fresh chopped rosemary leaves 1 teaspoon of sea salt ¼ cup of seasoned breadcrumbs ½ teaspoon of ground black pepper 2 tablespoons of Dijon mustard 2 tablespoons of horseradish mustard 2 tablespoons of olive oil In a food processor or chopper, combine pecans, parsley, rosemary, garlic, bread crumbs, salt, and pepper. Process until very finely chopped. (For all you Ingénues and Divas, you’re going to have to put in a little handwork if you don’t have a chopper—so use a sharp chopping knife.) Transfer the mixture onto a plate. Meanwhile, add olive oil to a baking pan that’s wide enough to hold the chops in one layer. Set oven to 350° and place pan in oven to preheat. Combine the two kinds of mustard and rub each lamb chop with it, then place it on pecan mixture, turning to coat all sides. Place in preheated pan, then in the oven, and roast for about 20 minutes. Turn the lamb chops once when they are cooked halfway through.
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Coconut Curry Chicken Breasts You will need: 1 bunch of chopped green onion 1 tablespoon of butter 2 tablespoon of olive oil 2 cloves of minced garlic ¼ cup of flour 1 ½ cup of chicken stock 1/3 cup of cream of coconut 2 tablespoons of curry powder ½ cup of milk Salt and pepper to taste In a medium saucepan, melt the butter over medium heat. Add onion and garlic; sauté for about 2 minutes. Stir in the flour until nice gravy starts to form. Add in chicken broth and cream of coconut; stir to blend. Add the curry powder. Continue cooking until thickened and bubbly then set aside. In a large skillet over medium-high heat, cook chicken in the olive oil until it is browned on both sides. Sprinkle with the salt and pepper. Pour off any excess oil then add the sauce mixture and bring to a simmer. Reduce heat to low, cover, and cook for about 10 minutes, or until chicken is cooked through. Stir in the milk and bring to one final boil. Then remove from heat and let stand for 10 minutes.
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My Famous Macaroni ’n Cheese I call it famous because everyone that I have ever cooked for says my mac ’n cheese is the best they’ve ever had. Not to toot my own horn, but I will agree! This is no ordinary mac ’n cheese—be careful because it’s addictive! You will need: 3 cups of macaroni noodles 1 bib of celery, finely chopped ½ bell pepper, finely chopped ½ small onion, chopped 2 cups of shredded sharp cheddar cheese 1 small block of Velveta cheese 1 cup of mixed white cheeses (Swiss, Mozzarella, Asiago, and Romano— or get the Italian blend) 1 cup of white cheddar cheese 1 egg 2 cups of whole milk ¼ cup of butter 1 teaspoon of honey or agave nectar 2 tablespoons of fine pepper 1 cup of breadcrumbs ¼ cup of chicken stock ½ teaspoon of onion powder And you guessed right: 4 tablespoons of Creole seasoning
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Heat oven to 375 degrees. In a large pot, boil your noodles until they are halfway cooked. Drain and rinse with hot water and transfer back into the large pot. In a separate medium-sized pot, mix together all the cheeses (except for the white cheddar) and 1 cup of the milk. Stir until all the cheeses are melted. In a separate skillet, melt the butter and sauté the chopped onions, celery, bell pepper, and Creole seasoning. Cook for 5 minutes then remove from heat. In another small skillet, heat the chicken stock and sauté the breadcrumbs and onion powder. (It should be just enough chicken stock to give it a sizzle, you don’t want to make the breadcrumbs soggy.) In the pot with the noodles, stir in the egg, warm honey, and pepper. Add the sautéed vegetables then pour in the cheese mixture. Stir until all the ingredients are mixed well. Stir in the remainder of the milk until the consistency is nice and creamy. Taste it to make sure it’s flavorful— it should actually be a little salty tasting because half the flavor will be absorbed by the noodles. Transfer into a large baking pan and cover with foil. Let bake for 30 minutes. Remove the foil and sprinkle the breadcrumbs on top. Add a layer of white cheddar cheese on top of the breadcrumbs. Place back in the oven for another 10 minutes. Remove from oven and let stand for 10 minutes.
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Sweet Cabbage You will need: 2 heads of fresh cabbage, chopped and rinsed 2 bell peppers (1 red and 1 yellow sliced into thin pieces) 1 onion, chopped 3 garlic cloves, chopped Thick cut turkey bacon 2 tablespoons of olive oil 4 tablespoons of honey 1 teaspoon of onion powder 1 teaspoon of crushed red pepper flakes 1 tablespoon of Creole seasoning In a large heavy skillet, heat the olive oil and drop in the cabbage. Cover immediately to let the cabbage cook down. In a separate skillet, cook the bacon and add the honey. (It will also create its own juice that you will add later to the cabbage.) Once the bacon is fully cooked, take off the heat and let cool. Sauté the cabbage and add the bell peppers, onion, garlic, and the rest of the seasoning. Continue to cook for 10-15 minutes with the cover on the skillet. Remove the bacon from the skillet and chop it up on a cutting board. Add the bacon and the juice it created to the cabbage. Cook for another 5 minutes.
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Southern Fried Chicken Now what type of Domestic Goddess would I be if I didn’t have a fried chicken recipe? All you need is some chicken, oil, flour, a hot pair of stilettos, and a hungry man to feed! Well, okay, you need a few more things than that: 1 whole frying chicken or 2-3 pounds of legs and wings 2 cups of vegetable oil 2 cups of all purpose flour ½ of an onion 3 tablespoons of Creole seasoning (for the chicken) 4 tablespoons of Creole seasoning (for the flour) 1 tablespoon of onion powder 1 tablespoon of garlic powder 1 teaspoon of pepper 4 tablespoons of parsley flakes 2 eggs ½ cup of butter milk Wash chicken pieces thoroughly and pat dry. In a shallow glass baking dish, whip the eggs and milk until mixture is white and fluffy. Place the chicken in the dish and roll it in the mixture. Let it stand for 5 minutes Meanwhile, in a large iron pot, heat the oil on a high temperature. Make sure the chicken absorbed most of the egg mixture. (If not, pour out the excess.) Season the chicken, but save 2 tablespoons of the parsley flakes. In a large plastic bag, mix together the flour and Creole
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seasoning and shake, then add the chicken to batter. Check to make sure your oil is hot by dropping a few sprinkles of flour in the pot. If it sizzles, you’ll know it’s hot. Turn the fire down to medium heat. First put ½ of an onion in the oil. (This will add to the flavor and reduce the fried chicken smell from getting in your hair and clothes.) Place the chicken in the hot oil and let cook until it’s golden brown, but make sure you turn it often so it cooks evenly. Take a large plate and layer it with paper towel to absorb the oil. Remove the chicken from the oil with a long fork or tongs. Sprinkle the remainder of the parsley flakes on the finished chicken.
Dill Skin Potatoes You will need: 6-8 red potatoes ½ cup of milk 1/3 cup of ranch dressing (preferably Hidden Valley) Handful of fresh chopped dill 2 tablespoons of butter Chop up potatoes into small cubes (keep the skin on) and boil until they are soft. Drain and transfer back into pot. Turn the fire on low and mash the potatoes with a fork. (But not too much, they should still be chunky.) Add the milk, ranch dressing, dill, butter, and salt. Stir and let stand for 10 minutes.
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Caramel Apple Crepes For the crepe, you will need: 3 medium eggs ¼ cup of flour 1 tablespoon of agave nectar or honey 1 ¼ cups of milk ¼ teaspoon of sea salt 2 tablespoons of melted butter Beat the eggs until they are light and fluffy. Gradually add the milk and flour, beating until smooth. Beat in the salt, nectar or honey, and butter. Cover the batter and chill for at least an hour. Heat a lightly greased crêpe pan. (Or if you’re still an Ingénue, a big wide skillet will do just fine.) Remove the skillet from heat, then spoon in about 3 tablespoons of the batter (make sure it runs to the edge of the skillet and becomes round and flat). Then return to heat. Brown lightly, then flip the crepe and brown the other side. Remove from pan. (If you cook it too long, it will be very flat and dry, so be careful!) Keep the cooked crêpes covered and warm. (You can put them in the oven on the lowest temperature.) For the caramel apple sauce, you will need: 2 tablespoons of cornstarch 2 tablespoons of agave nectar or honey Dash of sea salt
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1 cup of skim milk 1 tablespoon of lemon juice 2 teaspoons of vanilla extract 2 fresh thinly sliced apples (Make it sexy, use one green and one red.) Container of caramel sauce (Get the squeeze bottle....) Can of whipped cream (Or vanilla ice cream if you really want to be naughty!) Dash of powdered sugar (Okay, this is the other time you can use sugar.) In a saucepan, combine the cornstarch, agave nectar or honey, salt, milk, lemon juice, vanilla, and 2 tablespoons of the caramel. Cook and stir over medium heat until slightly thickened, then remove from heat. In a small bowl, stab the apples to create some juice and loosen the texture and add them to the cream mixture. Return to heat, cook, and stir until thickened. (Bring it to a very light boil to soften the apples and thicken the sauce.) Allow to cool. Making the crepe: Lay the dry crepe open on a plate. Pour the apple mixture down one side of the crepe. The mixture should be thick enough so it’s not runny. (Pour slow so you don’t make a mess!) Fold it in half. It should look like a half moon. If you want to make it fuller, then fold it again and pour the sauce on the other half so it looks like a quarter of a circle. Drizzle the caramel on top of the crepe and K.I.S.S. it (Keep It Simple Sexy) with the whipped cream or ice cream. Dash the powdered sugar on top. (You can also dash it with cinnamon and K.I.S.S it with a cherry—to keep it sexy—if you’d like.)
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Peach Cobbler C’mon now, I wouldn’t be a real southern girl if I didn’t have a recipe for peach cobbler! For the filling, you will need: 2 cups of sugar (This is one recipe where you’re allowed to use sugar; you have to because this calls for a dry sweetener—you can use Splenda if you choose.) 1 tablespoon of lemon juice 1/3 cup of corn starch 8 cups of fresh peeled and sliced peaches (you can also use frozen peaches but not canned) ½ teaspoon of almond extract ½ teaspoon of vanilla extract ¼ cup of melted butter For the pastry, you will need: 4 cups of flour Pinch of sea salt 1 cup of shortening 8 tablespoons of ice water ½ cup of melted butter ½ cup of agave nectar ½ teaspoon of cinnamon
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For the filling: Combine agave nectar and cornstarch and toss with peaches. Add the almond and vanilla extract, lemon juice, and the 1/4 cup melted butter. Set aside. For the pastry: Combine the flour, sugar, and salt in a mixing bowl. Cut shortening into the flour mixture until it is the consistency of cornmeal. Gradually add ice water, stirring, just until the dough holds its shape. Roll out on a floured board and cut it in half. Line the bottom and sides of the baking dish with half of the dough. And cut the other half into strips. Pour the peach filling mixture into the pan. Then crisscross dough strips over the filling and brush pastry generously with remaining butter. Bake for 30 minutes or until the crust is brown.
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Mimosas If you know me, you’d know that I’m the queen of mimosas! Every Sunday, I create a new flavor to go with my brunch. It’s a Shanel CooperSykes ritual. Then main ingredient: Rose Moet. You can use any type of fruit, just follow the remainder of the recipe. You will need: A handful of any type of fresh fruit you like (strawberry, kiwi, blackberry, peaches, mango) 1 teaspoon of warm agave nectar or honey 1 tablespoon of lemon juice Mash the fruit until juice starts to form, and add the warm honey and lemon juice. Scoop the fruit mixture in a champagne glass about halfway full. Fill the rest with champagne. Here is one of my favorite flavors; it’s made a little differently than the others. You will need: 4 thin slices of green apple Cup of apple cider Cup of ginger liqueur (I like Domaine de Canton.) Put 2 slices of apple in a champagne glass. Fill the glass with ¼ with apple cider and another ¼ with ginger liqueur. Fill the rest (½ of glass) with champagne. Delish!
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Part 3
Unleash your Inner Goddess 142
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Gold Diggin’ 101 Where is the treasure?
Y
ou ought to be ashamed of yourself! I can see you now: reading through the table of contents, seeing “Gold Diggin’ 101,” and scrambling to get to this chapter. Did you really think, after all of this, that I was going to show you how to use men for money? If you did, you need to flip back to page one and start reading from the beginning! Here is what I am going to teach you: How to dig your own gold and create a rich life for yourself. You are a valuable woman. You have a hidden treasure within you that is just waiting to be discovered. You don’t need a man to buy you things and take care of you. And what makes you think he wants to spend his hard-earned money on some needy chick anyway? If he does, well, we all know what he expects in return.
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Here’s what real gold digging is: using your God-given gifts, talents, and abilities to create the life you want. Becoming rich in self-love, in spirit, and in life so when a man does come along, you are overflowing with treasures and he only adds value to what you already have. Women who call themselves “gold diggers”—or they probably don’t call themselves that, but we all know that’s what they are—and chase men for money and material things are pathetic. Having some random guy drop a load of cash on you so you can walk around laced in things that you know you can’t afford yourself does not make you special. And being trophy pieces, arm candy, or a “wifey” of a “baller” is nothing spectacular either. Do you know how common, average, and simpleminded that makes you? Let me tell you what men really thing of women like that: nothing. That’s right. You are nothing but entertainment. Just like he’d pay to go watch a movie, he’s paying to watch you. So if you’re sitting around waiting for a free handout because you’ve got a pretty face, you’ve got another thing coming, girlfriend. It’s time to unlock your own treasure and begin to dig your own gold!
No Finance, No Romance If you’ve still got your gold digging radar up, put it away. “No finance, no romance” doesn’t mean that if a man has no money, you don’t talk to him. It means: Until you have your own financial house in order, looking for a relationship should be out of the question. Money is the number one cause of divorce, drama, and confusion in relationships. And getting into a relationship with no money— and no plan to get any—is a setup for failure.
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Here’s the biting truth: The more money you have in a relationship, the more you can enjoy life together. Money gives you the ability to do more; it allows you more freedom to focus on each other—and not on the bills. It’s sad, I know. Money can influence your relationship. But it’s not because you’ve made money a priority in your relationship. Having money—or to put it in proper context: being financially stable— means that you have complete control of your habits, your priorities, your life. It means you have everything in order. It also means that you value yourself enough to secure a stable future—and isn’t self-value something you have to have first before you become part of a couple? You don’t get into a relationship to complete yourself or your life. Yes, Jerry Maguire was way off. And this goes back to “What you bring to the table determines who sits down at your table.” To attract a man with money and financial ability, you have got to be doing the same for yourself. Be totally selfsufficient so no matter what he does, you can maintain your lifestyle— with or without him.
Using your Gifts, Talents, and Abilities You have been blessed with a gift, talent, or ability that was designed especially for you. Maybe it’s singing, acting, playing an instrument; maybe you have an athletic ability or a powerful body; or it could be that you have a passion for helping people or speaking, a knack for sales or negotiating, or maybe a flair for beauty and fashion. Whatever gift that you have, it was given to you for a special reason: for you to compensate your life. Yes, God has already given you exactly what you
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need to be financially rewarded the way you deserve to be. And within that gift also lies your happiness, your joy, and your passion. When we bury our gifts and forget they exist—or know they exist but don’t use them—our punishment is unhappiness, anxiety, and frustration in life; feelings of unworthiness, sadness; and loss of fire. And you don’t deserve those! You were designed to be brilliant and to receive all of the amazing things that God put on this earth for us to enjoy. Have you ever noticed that the people who live within their purpose have the happiest and most abundant lives? They have great relationships, money, and are passionate about everything they do. That’s because they are fully utilizing their gifts, talents, and abilities in such a way that the world repays them tenfold. What you give to the world it gladly gives you back. But if you’re not getting much, then—you guessed it—you’re probably not giving much. So ask yourself: What gifts, talents, and abilities do I have that I can share with the world? The moment that you do, you officially unlock the door to your treasure.
Unleash your Greatness You are amazing, phenomenal, gorgeous, and powerful. Yes, you! The greatness that’s inside you is pounding on your chest in the form of your heartbeat, the brilliance that lies within you is the butterflies that flutter in your stomach, and your illumination is in your smile that brightens the world around you. Do you have any idea how wonderful you are? What your potential is? Or the possibilities that await you?
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Unleashing your greatness takes a boldness that a lot of women are afraid to embrace. You may know how wonderful and talented you are but are afraid to unleash it because you don’t know how or you’re too worried about what others will think or say. Are you afraid that people may say, “Who does she think she is?” Don’t be. I’ll tell you who you are: You are the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. You are the designer of your life. It’s your world; everyone else just lives in it! Realize who you are and the value that you bring to the world and let it loose. This is one of my favorite quotes: “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” ~Marianne Williamson
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When the Queen is Ready, the King will Appear Preparing yourself for the man of your dreams
I
was 22 years old and thought I had it going on. I was in the midst of living that “fabulous” life I talked about earlier and in a relationship that seemed to be perfect on the outside. Yes, I was the “it” girl. My man took care of me, gave me everything I wanted, and I had a beautiful ring on my finger. So what was the problem, you ask? Our relationship was terrible! He was seeing other women; I was seeing other men. We argued all the time, went through each other’s private things, and had absolutely no communication or respect for each other. I wanted to live my dreams, move to LA, and become an actress. He wanted to have kids and make me his trophy wife. There were lies, trust issues, and of course, our physical attraction to each other had completely died. I stayed in that relationship because I thought I had to. I thought I’d never find anyone who took care of me the way he did and that I
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“needed” to be in a relationship to be whole. As time passed, our relationship got worse and worse, and I just couldn’t figure out why. It got to the point where the sight of him chewing his food made me cringe. Deep inside I knew what I wanted—or at least I thought I did. I was so confused. Leave. Stay. Cheat. Get married. Dump him. Stay engaged until things change. Move to LA. Have a baby. I was so lost and completely miserable. Looking back on that relationship, I realized what the problem was. I was not ready to be in a loving, passionate, committed relationship. I had not yet fallen in love or committed to myself. I didn’t know what it felt like to be really loved and how I was supposed to love someone in return. That relationship was just a lesson. He wasn’t my king because I had not yet become a queen. My life wasn’t groomed, prepared, and ready to handle the responsibilities that come with being in a real relationship with a real man. I hadn’t yet learned how to communicate effectively or how to trust—or what commitment really meant. I realized that I had to learn all of these things before the type of man I deserve will show up. After that relationship, I was single for quite some time. It seemed there were no men around—no one was asking me out; I didn’t even meet any quality men. Then it hit me: This was my time to fall in love with me, with no distraction of a man. I began to learn exactly what I wanted and expected out of a relationship. I learned to enjoy my own company and really, truly take care of myself. And when this happened, I was then ready for my king to show up.
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All Men are Dogs Do you really still believe this line? Unfortunately, “All men are dogs” is a line—a belief—that some women still hold on to. Who are these women? These are the women who sit and wait for a good man to fall into their laps. These are the same women who feel that they have the privilege of getting an honest, good man—without lifting a finger. And when they don’t, they act stunned, hurt, and betrayed. And they say, “All men are dogs.” Listen up: There is an abundance of good men walking this earth! Like I said before, they’re all over the place. But they will not walk into your life if you’re not ready for all that a “good man” brings. And they will definitely not walk into your life if it’s a life that they don’t wish to be a part of. Who are you to ask for a good man if you are not yourself a good woman who’s living a good life? If you haven’t found that perfect man for you, it’s not because there aren’t any available; it’s because you’re not ready for him. Here’s the solution to finding your perfect man: Focus on you. Become the person that you want to have in your life. Do all the things that you would want your man to do for you. Display the behavior that you’d want him to have. So if you want an honest, financially able man who is physically fit and spiritually grounded, then—you guessed right—that’s exactly who you have to be. You have to start speaking the truth, getting your finances in order, and getting your body together. You have to explore your spirituality and strengthen your relationship with God. Because whatever you are doing is exactly what you will attract. So if you’re sitting around doing nothing all day, you’re out of shape, and your finances are all jacked up, you can’t walk around complaining 150
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about the shortage of good men and wondering why you keep attracting losers. Step back, reflect, and ask yourself: “Who am I and what am I attracting?”
Say I Do to YOU A wedding vow is a promise, a pledge, and a personal commitment that you make to the person that you plan to spend the rest of your life with. You vow to love this other person “for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do you part.” That’s a big commitment! But aren’t you really the person that you have to spend the rest of your life with? Have you made that commitment to yourself? Do you love yourself no matter what? If you don’t know how to commit to yourself, how can you fully know how to commit to someone else? Not being committed and in love with yourself can show up in many ways: in the form of toxic relationships, loneliness, frustration with your current boyfriend or husband, and confusion as to why you can’t find the right man for you. If you’re experiencing any of these things, it’s time to make some vows of your own while you prepare yourself for Mr. Right to show up. Take some time and write down some vows to yourself. Here’s an example: “I vow to love myself passionately, from physical body to my spirit and soul. I will honor my body, and preserve it until the love of my life shows up because the power that it has is invaluable. I will commit to increasing my spirituality and place a high value on money and the material things that it can provide for my life. I vow to trust my instincts and intuition and to always listen to my heart. No matter what
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circumstance I find myself in, I will always put my needs first so that I can be full enough to give to others. I am worthy of receiving all my desires and I vow to only accept people and things that add value to my life. I solemnly swear to love Shanel Cooper-Sykes until death parts me from this earth.” Now make a solemn, sincere vow of your own: _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________
What Do You Bring to the Table? Quality men look for women who bring something to the table. They want a woman who will add value to their lives and make them a better man in every possible way. Sure, being cute, having a nice body and good cooking skills is a plus—but what else do you have? No one can answer that question but you. Think about this: What you bring to the table determines who sits down at your table. And if you don’t know what you bring, then pretty much anyone can sit down—or worse, no one will want to take a seat. This goes back to using what you’ve got to get what you want. And whatever type of man you want, you must fill your table with the things that will attract him into your life.
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So what do you want? There’s that magic question again. What is it exactly that you want in a man? Too often we focus on what we don’t want. Saying things like, “I don’t like short men,” “I don’t like broke men,” “I don’t like dishonest men.” These are all affirmations and will wind up being exactly what you get. So focus on what you do want in a man. And be very specific because it may not be how or when you expect it, but he will show up in some form or fashion. So let’s get clear about what you want in a man. (Do this exercise even if you’re in a relationship; it may uncover some things that you didn’t even realize.) My perfect man will… _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________
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What Men Really Want Did you think I could answer that? Sorry, darling, I’m a woman just like you, and I have no idea how to answer that question. This is a big problem for us. When we have men issues or questions, we ask our girlfriends—wrong move! Men have different needs, different approaches to solving things, and different ways of communicating, so a good habit for you to develop is to ask a man when you want to know something about men. I took an online poll and asked a few men the question that puzzles us women all the time: “What do you want from a woman?” I got responses from men all over the world, and here’s what they have to say… Jonathan: “Confidence! I want a woman who knows what she wants, knows who she is, and is confident being in her own skin.” Rob: “I like a natural woman. All the hair weaves and fake fingernails is a major turnoff. And not too much make-up, if any at all. I can’t stand kissing a woman with sticky lips full of lip gloss.” Michael: “I like smart women. Not like school smart, but smart about life. You can always tell a woman who has a good head on her shoulders by the choices and decisions that she makes in her life.” Corey: “I like a woman who can hold a conversation. When she opens her mouth, she’s not talking non-sense. She’s aware of what’s happening in the world and has something to say about it. That’s sexy.” Jelani: “I like a woman who can cook and likes doing it. I shouldn’t have to take you out to dinner every night.” Alero: “I like a woman who is modest. If I can see everything that you have to offer, I really don’t need to get to know you to find out anything else. It’s like, if you’ve got it on display, I know it’s easy for me to get.” 154
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Daniel: “I like a woman who has her own money. It shows that you’re not waiting for a man to come and take care of you. When a woman has her own, it makes me want to spend more for her. Needy women are the worst.” Jay: “I like a woman that knows what stage she’s at when it comes to men. Do you just want to date, are you ready to be in a long term relationship, or do you want to get married? So I know how to approach everything.” Anthony: “I like a woman who doesn’t try too hard—like overdressing or too much jewelry. Just be yourself.” Pete: “Loyalty. Respect. Honor. And food! My woman has to know how to cook!” Shawn: “I like classy, ladylike women. But then know how to turn into a bad girl when needed.” Aaron: “You have to let me lead and be the man.” Dave: “A woman needs to complement my life, not complicate it!” Oscar: “She has to know about money and how to handle it. Finance is an important part of a relationship.” Ike: “Sex, sex, and more sex. For some reason women slow down or give it up when they get in a relationship. If we we’re having sex often when we first started dating, what makes you think it’s okay to slow it down? If anything we want it more!” Alex: “I like a woman who is independent but not too proud to ask for help when she needs it.” Wilson: “I like a woman who is passionate about her dreams and isn’t afraid to go out there and make it happen.” William: “My woman has to be supportive. She has to be able to push and motivate me to do better.”
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Mario: “She has to have nice feet. Battered toes and chipped polish is a major turnoff. I don’t care how good the rest of you looks.” Bennie: “I like a woman who is naturally sexy. One who doesn’t have to dry too hard.” Rodger: “She can’t be scared and timid in the bedroom. I like a woman who has sexual confidence and does not just go through the motions but is actually enjoying the experience.” Olu-Yomi: “Cookie—and lots of it! Cookies will keep the monster home!” Louis: “She has to know how to dress, too tight or unflattering clothes where extra skin or rolls that are visible is a turnoff.” Oleye: “I like a clean woman—clean body, clean house, and clean mind.” Rolleho: “I like a neat woman who doesn’t have too much going on with her, like a carrying a big ol’ purse, too much jewelry, messy clothes, and hair all over the place. Just keep it simple.” Nathaniel: “She has to know how to be my friend. I don’t want to have to hide things or feel like I need to lie.” Benjamin: “Spirituality is important. I find that when they are spiritually grounded, they are better able to handle relationships.” Kenny: “Nice underwear.” Clay: “I like a woman who has high self-esteem and self-love. If you can’t tell me how to love you and be confident enough to do so, then we’re doomed.” Bill: “I like assertive women, women who know what they want. I don’t like confused and indecisive women.” Nyles: “I like a woman who takes care of her body. Works out and is health conscious.”
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Gregory: “I like a woman who is comforting, who always has open arms and listens.” Martin: “She has to understand my needs, realize that they change, and be willing to make sacrifices for the sake of our relationship.” Lenny: “Maternal instincts are a plus. If we’re going to build a life together, she has to be a good mother.” Gino: “A woman who’s a fighter, who can keep it together when we’re going through rough times.” Interesting huh, ladies? I hope you took note. Rule of thumb: Do not ask your girlfriends for advice on men. Ask a man; better yet, ask your man. Once you do find that perfect guy and get the relationship you want, remember that you’re not the only one in it. Find out what your man wants and what he likes, and be sure to provide it. Because what you won’t do, somebody else will. (We will talk about this in the next chapter.)
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Put the Pole in the Kitchen Give a little passionate TLC
Y
es, I said put the pole in the kitchen! Pole dancing and stripper classes have become more popular than ever. They are offered at almost every gym, there are DVDs and instructional manuals, and you can even buy a pole to put in your house! But here’s my question: How are you going to strip for your man if he’s too hungry to pay attention? Ask any man—a homecooked meal is better than watching a chick swinging on a pole. He may act like he’ll die without sex, but trust me, most men would rather have sex after a satisfying meal that’s prepared by his Domestic Goddess. Now, if you’re really claiming the title of a Goddess, why not put a pole in the kitchen, cook your man a meal, and put on a show? It may sound silly, but hey, every man has a fantasy, and that just might be his. Okay, that may be a bit much for some of you. But you get my drift: You have got to keep your relationship hot! 158
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Keep it Hot! So we know there’s nothing like having a real man who loves you, takes good care of you, and makes you feel like the queen of the world. But often times, we forget what we did to get his attention and how we looked when we reeled him in. Once we get him, we get comfy yet we expect him to still cater to all of our demanding needs—when his have been forgotten. You have got to keep your relationship hot, especially nowadays. Let’s keep it real for a moment: There are a lot of chicken-heads out there, putting all their goodies on display, just plotting their hooks into your man. They don’t care that he’s taken—that makes him all the more attractive. After all, if you’ve got him, he must be worth pursuing, right? Don’t let your man’s needs go unattended to and definitely don’t give him a chance to get bored and fall prey to the cheap allures of all the rag-a-muffin, manless, hootchie mamas who are out there. You have to command your relationship, which includes commanding and keeping his attention. Never get comfortable, never settle, and never ever forget the Goddess that you are! Whether you are in a new relationship, just dating, or have been married for years, keep it hot in the kitchen, in the bedroom, in the living room—hell, any room that you find yourself in with your man.
Get UNcomfortable I see you getting ready to go to bed with your hair tied in a scarf and pimple cream dotted on your face. And don’t think I didn’t notice those ratty, baggy pajamas you’ve slept in every night for the past two years. 159
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Do yourself a favor and march on over to the mirror. Now, do you see a hot, sexy, passionate woman staring back at you? No? Well, neither does your man. I’m sure, when you first snagged him, you probably walked around the house looking like a model out of a Fredericks of Hollywood catalog. Now time has passed, you fell in love, got used to each other, and maybe even had a kid or two. So you feel like it’s okay to be comfortable and walk around looking like Weezy from Good Times—he still loves you right? Yes, I’m sure he does, but he’d probably love and appreciate you much more if you put a little effort in your appearance. Familiarity breeds contentment. But you can’t allow yourself to fall into this trap. It’s a definite way to spark a rift between you and the love of your life. Ways to Keep Your Relationship Hot—at All Times Invest in Good Lingerie. Forget the long-sleeved pajama set. Lose that massive t-shirt you stole from his drawer. And burn that flannel L.L. Bean nightgown that comes down to your ankles. Oh, and no cotton panties—I don’t care how comfy they are. I don’t even care if you get them in a bikini cut. They’re still not sexy. You know what your man sees when he sees you in a pair of cotton undies? His sister. And that’s gross! So please don’t do that to him. What you need is lingerie. Real lingerie, not that cheap, polyester crap in Day-Glo colors that they sell in the chain stores at the mall. I’m talking well-made, beautifully constructed, expensive-looking lingerie. Now lingerie isn’t going to be your everyday undergarments. This is the flirty, naughty, bad girl stuff that you break out when you want to seduce your man. So invest a little time and money into building a collection of nice bra and panty sets. Throw out all of your old granny 160
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panties and stretched out bras—if you don’t have them, you can’t wear them. And if you must keep your “period panties,” make sure he doesn’t see you in them. Wearing nice underwear isn’t just for your man—it keeps you feeling sexy too! And when you feel sexy, you are. There’s nothing more satisfying than taking off your clothes and tantalizing your own eyes. Keep your body supple. Oooh, the soft, smooth feel of a woman— there’s nothing like it! Keep your body exfoliated, supple, and ready for your man’s hands to be all over it. Let the sun kiss your skin sometimes (with some SPF, of course) to increase your glow—so your man will want to kiss it too. Create a sensual atmosphere. Look around your bedroom. Is it appealing to the eye? Does it make you want to take off all your clothes and unleash your sexual energy? Your bedroom is your kingdom. It’s where most of the magic happens. (Of course the kitchen is the other place.) But magic can’t happen if your walls are bare and white, sheets and pillows are worn and faded, clothes are thrown everywhere, and you’re using a 100 watt bulb to brighten the room. That’s not sexy at all. Your bedroom should speak seduction, passion, and love. Paint your walls a soft color; decorate your bed with beautiful pillows and matching sheets. And use dim lighting and candles to illuminate the room at night. And most important: Keep it clean. Real sexual energy can’t be released if there’s clutter everywhere. Location, location, location. Even though your bedroom is your sex kingdom, it can get a little stale if that’s the only place you two are doin’ 161
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the do. Get freaky with your choice of location and jump his bones on the couch. Start undressing him the moment he walks in the door and have sex standing up. Let him bend you over the sink. Or have sex on your living room floor. And who says you have to stay at home to be sexually creative? Make him pull over next time you take a long drive or, hey, get a little wild while he’s driving if you know what I mean. Next time you’re at the movies, wear a skirt and no undies to give him easy access or be really naughty and sneak in the bathroom next time you visit his parent’s house. Wherever, whenever, whatever! I guarantee you he won’t ever get bored—and neither will you. Sweat your technique. If your sex life has been a little blah, it’s time for a new position. Make that several new positions. Remember I said you can only do what you know? Well if you do the same ol’ thing every time you have sex, no wonder your man is bored! Pick up a copy of Kama Sutra or one of the dozens of other sex books on the market. Stop by a women-friendly sex store and buy a few toys and videos. Or be bold and go to a strip club and take mental notes. (Yes, those girls know a thing or two about technique.) Surprise your man in your next sex session. Men like new, exciting things, and most of all, they like anything that will make sex better. So improve your skills, girlfriend—always keep him crawling back for more! Increase your frequency. How many times a week are you letting your man indulge in that Stiletto Body of yours? One, maybe two? Well that’s not enough, sweetheart. Yes, I know, life is busy. You’re tired, you’ve got cramps, you had a long day at work, and you’ve got kids to 162
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take care of and dinner to cook. So what? None of that matters. Sex is a major portion of the bond that holds a relationship together. Now I’m not saying you have to have long lovemaking sessions seven days a week. But you should be having some sort of sexual encounter with your man every single day. Yes, you heard me right: every single day. It can be some passionate hugging and kissing before you send him off to work. Or give him quick erotic massage during half time of the game. Maybe send him a quick X-rated video to his phone. (You know you have a camera on your Blackberry.) And oral sex always does the trick—and no, there’s nothing wrong about it! Just be sure that your man knows that you love him, that you desire him, and that the passion in your relationship is never going anywhere. And besides, sex isn’t just for him—you deserve to be satisfied often too. Keep your best friend pretty. Don’t act like you don’t know who your best friend is, as Oprah would call her—your vajayjay. Next to that pretty face of yours, your man has to enjoy looking at that too. So keep her looking pretty as well. Find out how he prefers her to look and try your best to keep her that way. No excuses! Even if he likes the Chia Pet look, make sure you maintain a well-groomed Chia Pet. There are many ways to do this, just find a technique that’s comfortable for you. Waxing, shaving, hair removal cream, or an electric clipper—it doesn’t matter. Keeping that groomed is just as important as the hair on your head—and you know you have to keep that looking good. Don’t nag. Who wants to hear someone nagging all day? “Where are you?” “When are you coming home?” “Who are you with?” “Who was 163
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that?” “You never do this or that.” Give the poor guy a break for ghod’s sake. Let him go out with the fellas, and don’t call him while he’s out. Give him some space sometimes, and let him stay out all night without questioning him when he comes in. And don’t run your mouth all day about what he’s not doing, what you don’t like, and what you can’t stand about him. What all this does is create drama in your relationship. Develop a foundation of trust, mutually set boundaries and standards, and leave it at that. Communicate but don’t nag. Nagging may cause him to want to rebel, and we don’t want that. Let your man be a man! And when you do that, he has no reason to go anywhere. Be thoughtful. You’re not the only one who deserves compliments, cards, and flowers sent to your job. Your man needs the sweet gestures too. Be thoughtful and express your appreciation to him all the time. Write him a love letter and slip it in his briefcase. Or fill his coat pockets up with Hershey’s Kisses. Make him a bag lunch, kiss a napkin with red lipstick, and write “I love you” on it. Tell him how handsome you think he is—or all of the things about him that turn you on. It’s the little things that make a world of a difference in your relationship. Your man needs to be appreciated just as much as you do—if not more.
The 80/20 Rule In any relationship a man finds himself in, whether it be a casual, friends-with-benefits type of arrangement or a ‘till-death-do-us-part marriage, he’s really only getting about 80% of what he needs from his woman. Sure, he’s getting the unconditional love, the comfortable 164
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companionship, the sweet nurturing, the trusting confidante, the ideal mother for his adorable, intelligent children, blah, blah, blah. But despite all that perfection, all those things that any man thinks will complete his life and make him a whole, well-rounded individual, he may still wind up cheating or leaving his woman to get the other 20% of what he needs—or thinks he needs—but isn’t finding on the home front. And what, pray tell, is that 20% that he would shame his wife, embarrass his children, and risk everything he’s worked so hard to achieve and maintain? Sex, submission, and sex! That’s right. Hot, wild, unlimited, downright, lowdown, freaky naughty, nasty kinky sex—served up by someone who will spoil him rotten and do whatever he wants, with no hesitation or complaints. That selfish man wants a woman who will say to him—24 hours a day, seven days a week—“Whatever you want me to do, baby.” No matter what he does—stays out all night; leaves his funky, smelly socks on the floor; or refuses to take out the garbage. He wants the fantasy, that woman who will be mischievous, seductive, confident, and submissive, and whip up a delicious meal that’s hot and on the table the instant he walks in the door and be served like a king sitting on his throne—every night. But you and I know how this sorry tale ends, don’t we? After all, it’s played out over and over throughout history, and the outcome never changes. Unfortunately, some men will leave the 80% of the good stuff they’ve got at home and run out and chase the 20% that they think they just can’t live without—and they’ll end up stuck, miserable, and pitiful. So to cut down the possibility of this happening in your relationship, it’s your job to be your man’s 100 percent, to fulfill absolutely everything that he needs, wants, and desires. 165
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What You Won’t Do, Somebody Else Will! Now that you are aware of the 80/20 Rule, you know that there is someone who will give him what he wants. Yes, there’s a chick out there who will happily take your man—smelly socks, other flaws, and all. Trust me, what you won’t do, somebody else will. Don’t be naïve and think, “Oh no, my man is happy; he’s not going anywhere!” Sit back and think about the last time you cooked him a romantic dinner or rubbed his back after a long day at work. When was the last time you did something thoughtful, freaky, or helpful? Or showed him how much you support him, believe in him, and love him? If you can’t remember, you may want to ask yourself: “Where is my man right now while I’m sitting here reading this book?” (God forbid he’s with Little Miss 20 Percent!) Your man doesn’t really want to leave you. He loves you. But life is short, and if he feels like he’s missing something, he just might drop you like a bad habit to experience what he’s looking for. If he really, truly wants something in your relationship you flat-out refuse to do or don’t realize that you’re not giving, I promise you that he can go out and find that woman who will do it gladly, whenever he wants, and with a smile on her face. So make sure you are playing your role in the relationship. The whole role, not just parts of it. Communicate with your man, and ask him what he needs, what he wants, and what he desires from you. And make sure you do exactly that because—I will say it one more time—what you won’t do, somebody else will.
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Living a Delicious, Juicy Life And so it is...
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f I haven’t said it enough, let me say it again: You can have absolutely everything you want in this world. From men to money, a flawless face and a perfectly bangin’ body, to your dream home and a closet full of all the stilettos you want—yes, and I mean Manolos and Louboutins and none of the $39ers anymore. It’s all yours for the taking! Are you ready to receive it? Are you ready to work for it? Being a true Goddess whose life is full of passion, joy, happiness, love, money, and freedom is not just going to be handed to you. It’s something that you have to cultivate, grow, and maintain. When you plant a seed in rich soil, it will blossom into a strong, beautiful flower that’s ready for the world to indulge in its exquisiteness. But are you ready to grow? Is your soil rich and fertile, groomed and prepared for you to blossom into the Goddess that you deserve to be?
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After all of the cleaning out, self-love practice, and affirmations, how will you know when you’re ready? Your spirit will tell you. You will feel a light tapping in your heart and a discomfort in your body that will say, “This is enough; I am ready to grow!” It will show up in the form of butterflies, anxiety, and excitement, and you will no longer have interest in things that aren’t in alignment with your growth. It will manifest itself in your relationships, body, and finances; all of a sudden, the people who are not supposed to be in your life will disappear, your body will start to crave things that fuel it, and you will have a sense of control and freedom with your finances. When one is truly ready for something, it will magically appear. So take everything you’ve learned thus far and apply it—and know that you are in preparation to receive your greatness.
Find Your Sacred Place As you are preparing yourself to receive the desires of your heart, having a place where you can easily and freely connect with your spirit and “plug” yourself into our source of power is essential. And where is your source of power? It’s within you, but it can’t be released unless you allow it. You have to have a sanctuary—your very own private, special place. And you can create a sacred place in many different ways. It can be a special room in your house, a corner of your office, or one of your favorite places out in nature. For me, I made my living room my sacred place. I painted the walls a warm burgundy color, put a plush rug on the floor, and placed scented soy candles and books all around. There’s no TV, no cell phones, no shoes, and no noise allowed in my sacred place. Just me and God! I sit
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in the middle of my floor and just think, pray, and write in my journal. It’s one of the only places that I am able to fully connect with my spirit because there is no distraction. It’s my place to recharge. I also have my altar in my living room. It’s a little table that sits low to the ground and holds things that give me energy and power—like a picture of my mother and of me and my brother when we were young (this represents the kid in me). I have a few spiritual books and seashells, which represent water so my life can flow like a river. It also has my attraction box. It’s a little shiny box that holds little pieces of paper of all the things I want. So if I want to earn a certain amount of money that month or attract a certain person or thing, I write it down on a Post-it, say it out loud (affirmation!), and put the note inside the box. To me that symbolizes manifestation and creation—of me putting what I want on paper and letting go of worry or the need for that thing to show up. I ask for it, then I let go and let God. I do not ask for it again, and I definitely don’t stress about getting it. I just live my life and align my actions with what I want. And it shows up—all the time. Another one of my sacred places is Central Park in New York. There is a specific bench in a secluded little corner surrounded by trees that I go to when I want to clear my mind. Sometimes I’ll make myself a picnic basket and take my journal and spend the whole day there. The beauty of the trees, the grass, and the smell in the wind capture my mind and allow me to release my creativity. You see, your sacred place can be anywhere you want it to be. It’s your space to connect with your spirit. Going to your sacred place allows you to see the world more clearly than you normally would. It helps to unclog your mind so you can be clear about where you’re going. When you are connected with your spirit, you can navigate through life—and
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the world—much easier. You’re in tune with your emotions and can make better decisions and choices as you move through life. Every Goddess needs to find her sacred place—and go there often to increase her power and maintain her sanity.
The Manifestation of a Goddess So here you are: ready to step into your power and claim your thrown. Yes, you are Goddess, and I can hear you roar! You are ready to receive all the desires of your heart. The man of your dreams, who will love you passionately and put you on a pedestal; the money that you deserve to receive in your life; the happiness that you long for; and everything else that’s meant for you—they’re all about to show up! No more playing small, being average, and accepting—and expecting—less than you deserve. Embrace each and every quality that you have as a woman. Be fierce and be bold! Take your newfound cooking skills, your discovery of self-love, and your new zest for life and create your recipe for life. Make it one big, juicy, delicious dish—and sink your teeth into it. Don’t have a bite out of life; devour it!
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We’re not done yet… I want to keep in touch with you! You can connect with me in many ways. Yes, I am human and I’m a modern Goddess living in a modern world, so here is how you can reach me: www.stilettosinthekitchen.com. You can join my mailing list or e-mail list to stay informed on what’s happening in my world. Or if you have a comment or testimonial that you want to share about this book, you can create a video or leave a message. Share with the world how Stilettos in the Kitchen has affected your life. You can also send me a personal letter. Send to: Shanel Cooper-Sykes 259 W. 139th Street New York, New York 10030 Or email
[email protected] Yes, I do personally read each letter, card, and e-mail, though I may not be able to respond to all. You can also join Shanel’s Classroom, which launches on October 1, 2009, for monthly motivation—what I call “Life Lessons”—as you continue your journey of self-love and abundant living. Shanel’s Classroom is an online virtual community of young, empowered people from all over the world. Students get the opportunity to connect with me and listen in on a life-changing tele-seminar every month. With the click of a button, you can empower your life! Enrollment information and class schedules can be found at www.shanelsclassroom. com. 171
