Spec - Broad City - A Smaller Pig

BROAD CITY "A Smaller Pig"

written by Matthew Norman Kennedy

PRODUCTION COMPANY NAME Address Line 1 Address Line 2 City, State Zip code

DRAFT NAME MM DD, YYYY

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SERIES TITLE "Episode Title" CAST CHARACTER NAME............................................... ACTOR CHARACTER NAME............................................... ACTOR CHARACTER NAME............................................... ACTOR CHARACTER NAME............................................... ACTOR CHARACTER NAME............................................... ACTOR CHARACTER NAME............................................... ACTOR GUEST CAST TBD.......................................................... ACTOR

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SERIES TITLE "Episode Title" SETS

Teaser, Scene A

- Scene Heading

Act One, Scene B

- Scene Heading

Act Two, Scene C

- Scene Heading

Tag, Scene D

- Scene Heading

COLD OPEN INT. ABBI’S APARTMENT (ABBI, ILANA, BEVERS) ABBI IS MAKING BREAKFAST, AND SEEMS HAPPIER THAN USUAL. SHE WALKS OVER TO THE DOOR AND GRABS THE MAIL. WITHIN THE ENVELOPES IS PACKAGE WITH A ENVELOPE TAPED TOO SECURELY, LABELED “FROM MOM & DAD”. SHE OPENS IT. THE CARD READS: “Happy Birthday to our special girl! 35 already?! Love Mom & Dad” ABBI SMILES AT THE CARD. ABBI (to self) 25. I’m 25. ABBI OPENS THE PRESENT THAT THE CARD WAS ATTACHED TO. IT’S A PAIR OF REEBOKS. ABBI (CONT’D) I needed these. SHE PUTS THEM ON. ABBI OPENS THE REFRIGERATOR AND PULLS OUT A CAKE FROM A GROCERY STORE BAKERY. INSCRIBED IN THE CAKE IS: “Happy Birthday to Name!” BEVERS COMES OUT FROM HIS ROOM, AND NOTICES THE CAKE. BEVERS Oh, cake! BEVERS WALKS OVER TO THE CAKE, AND OPENS THE BOX WHILE ABBI IS TURNED AWAY. BEVERS (CONT’D) Who’s birthday is it? ABBI It’s my birthday. I turned 25 today. Me and Ilana are cele-SHE TURNS AROUND TO FIND BEVERS ON WHAT APPEARS TO BE HIS SECOND SLICE OF CAKE.

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ABBI (CONT’D) Goddammit, Bevers! That was for me and Ilana! And are you eating a second slice?! BEVERS I have a high metabolism. ABBI Metabolism doesn’t mean you eat faster. BEVERS I never called myself a man of science. THERE’S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. ILANA (O.S.) Open up! ABBI OPENS THE DOOR. ILANA (CONT’D) Happy Birthday! A SMALL PIG RUNS INTO THE APARTMENT FROM BETWEEN ILANA’S LEGS. ABBI What the hell is that?! ILANA OPENS HER ARMS WIDE, AS IF TO PRESENT. ILANA It’s a mini pig! ABBI That pig’s not mini!

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THE PIG RUNS INTO A STOOL AT THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND KNOCKS IT OVER. (OR SOMETHING DESTRUCTIVE) ILANA I will agree that it’s not as mini as I would have hoped, but it was the smallest they had. ABBI Who’s they, Ilana? CUT TO: EXT. PIG FARM (ILANA, FARMER) ILANA AND A FARMER ARE WATCHING PIGS RUN AROUND A PEN. FARMER Well we don’t have any mini pigs per se, but we do have that runt out there. HE POINTS THE RUNT OUT TO ILANA. THE PIG DOESN’T SEEM TO HAVE ANY FRIENDS. FARMER (CONT’D) Smallest of the bunch. PIG FALLS INTO A MUD-PUDDLE. ILANA LAUGHS, WHILE FARME DOESN’T. FARMER (CONT’D) Hardest to sell. You can have it. CUT TO: INT. ABBI’S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS (ABBI, ILANA) ABBI So it’s not a mini pig at all. It’s just a smaller pig.

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ILANA Awesome, right? It’s even more rare than a mini pig. (beat) I wish I had a smaller pig. ABBI Take this one then! I don’t want some local farm’s charity case. ILANA Abbi, you can’t just re-gift your pig to me. ABBI Where did you even get this? ILANA Staten Island. ABBI You can get pigs on Staten Island? ILANA You can get anything on Staten Island. CUT TO: EXT. PIG FARM - CONTINUOUS (ILANA, FARMER) ILANA TURNS TO THE FARMER. ILANA Do you have anything for like... ILANA RUFFLES THROUGH HER PURSE, AND PULLS OUT A FIVE DOLLAR BILL. ILANA (CONT’D) ...a crisp fiver?

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FARMER I got this rusty handgun. FARMER PULLS OUT GUN. ILANA Ooo! END OF COLD OPEN EXT. ABBI’S APARTMENT (ILANA, ABBI) ABBI STORMS OUT THE FRONT DOOR OF HER BUILDING, THE PIG RUNNING AHEAD OF HER ON LEASH. ILANA RUNS OUT SECONDS LATER, BEHIND HER. ILANA Where are you going? ABBI I’m taking this pig back to Staten Island! Alone! PIG OINKS. ILANA Do you even know how to get there? ABBI I’ll figure it out! ABBI, ILANA AND THE PIG REACH THE END OF THE BLOCK. ABBI AND THE PIG LOOK IN BOTH DIRECTION, WHILE ILANA WATCHES ABBI A FEW FEET BEHIND. ABBI (CONT’D) Wait, which train goes to the ferry? ILANA See?! You need me!

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ABBI If you just tell me which one, I can go myself. ILANA But what if you get into trouble? You don’t know your way around Staten Island. ILANA REACHES INTO HER PURSE AND GRABS THE HANDGUN. ILANA (CONT’D) Cause I got this too! ABBI What the hell?! ILANA It was on sale! 5 bucks. Cool, right? ABBI No, not cool. ILANA Trade you for those sweet Reeboks. ABBI No, my parents got these for my birthday. ABBI TAKES THE GUN AND LOOKS AROUND FOR A PLACE TO PUT IT, THEN NEATLY PLACES IT ON A NEARBY TRASH CAN. ABBI (CONT’D) Okay, now you can come, but you take the pig. ABBI HANDS ILANA THE LEASH.

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ILANA Yay! I get the pig! ILANA TAKES OFF LEFT. INT. SUBWAY CAR (ILANA, ABBI, HOT GUY) ILANA, THE PIG, AND ABBI, RESPECTIVELY, SIT ON A MODERATELY FULL SUBWAY CAR. PEOPLE LOOK UP FROM THEIR PAPERS AND DEVICES DISAPPROVINGLY. ABBI You know he didn’t need his own seat. ILANA She is part of our sisterhood now. And you’re being a real Birthday Bitch. ABBI RECOGNIZES THIS AND SIGHS. ABBI I’m sorry, Ilana. I appreciate that you got me such a... (eyes the pig) ...unique gift, but you never get me gifts. We just have a girls day and I’m happy with that. ILANA No, I’m sorry. I just wanted to give you something real for once. THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND SMILE AND HUG. ABBI I like the pig. ILANA We should name her!

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ABBI Ok, that might be a little-ILANA Charlotte! ABBI Charlotte? ILANA Like from that book we had as kids. ABBI No, the spider was Charlotte. The pig was Wilbur. ILANA LOOKS CONFUSED. ABBI (CONT’D) Charlotte’s a great name. THE TRAIN STOPS AT A STATION, WHERE A HOT GUY ENTERS THE TRAIN. HE WALKS UP THE CAR LOOKING FOR A SEAT. ABBI (CONT’D) Oh my god, Ilana. Look at that guy. ILANA TURNS HER HEAD, AS DOES CHARLOTTE. ILANA’S JAW DROPS AND CHARLOTTE OPENS HER MOUTH. ILANA SLIDES HER BODY TO THE END, LEAVING A GAP BETWEEN HER AND ABBI & CHARLOTTE. THE HOT GUY WALKS BACK TOWARD THEIR END OF THE CAR. ILANA Put the pig on your lap. ABBI What why? ILANA Just trust me.

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ABBI, HESITANT, PUTS CHARLOTTE ON HER LAP. THE HOT GUY SEES THIS AND SITS BETWEEN THE GIRLS. ABBI & ILANA LOOK AT EACH OTHER, TRYING NOT TO LET THE HOT GUY NOTICE. ILANA (CONT’D) (mouthed, to Charlotte) Charlotte! CHARLOTTE! CHARLOTTE OINKS, AND ILANA QUICKLY TURNS BACK AS IF NOTHING HAS HAPPENED. ABBI IMMEDIATELY GETS WORRIED. ABBI (to Charlotte) Shush. HOT GUY IS NOW PEEKING AT THE PIG, SMILING, THEN AT ABBI. SHE LOOKS BACK. ABBI (CONT’D) (to Hot Guy) Sorry. HOT GUY Haha, no problem. What’s her name? ABBI Oh? It’s, um, Charlotte. HOT GUY That’s a beautiful name. How about your’s? ABBI Abbi. HOT GUY (to Charlotte) Uh oh, Charlotte, shes got you beat. ABBI BLUSHES, CHARLOTTE OINKS. ILANA LEANS FORWARD, BEHIND HOT GUY, SO ABBI CAN SEE HER. SHE DOES AN BON-APPITITE STYLE KISS OF THE TIPS HER FINGERS, FOLLOWED BY OPENING THEM IN THE AIR. THEN SHE GET GETS AN IDEA, TURNS TO ABBI SO SHE CAN READ HER LIPS.

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ILANA (Mouthed) Rescue! Rescue! ABBI (Looking at Ilana) Wha--? (to Hot Guy) She’s a rescue. HOT GUY LOOKS IMPRESSED. HOT GUY Wow, that’s so honorable of you. You know how many people these days support the crossbreeding of minipigs? It’s nice to meet a someone who really cares about animals. ABBI You seem to be the one who’s passionate about our four legged friends. HOT GUY Ah, you got me. HOT GUY PULLS OUT A BADGE. HOT GUY (CONT’D) I’m a vet. ABBI (looking at Badge) At the Central Park Zoo?!

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HOT GUY Perks of being at the top of your class. ILANA LEANS FORWARD AGAIN, THIS TIME WITH A TWENTY DOLLAR BILL IN HER HAND. SHE COMPRESSES & DECOMPRESSES IT. ILANA (Mouthed to Abbi) Ching! Ching! HOT GUY LOOKS OUT THE SUBWAY WINDOW. HOT GUY Nuts, this is my stop. HE TAKES OUT HIS WALLET, AND REMOVES A BUSINESS CARD. HE STANDS UP AND HANDS THE CARD TO ABBI. HOT GUY (CONT’D) Lemme know if you ever want a tour. HE EXITS THE SUBWAY. ILANA’S JAW IS DROPPED ABBI Ilana, who knows where this pig can take us? ILANA DARTS FOR THE MAP, AND PUTS HER FINGER ON WHERE SHE WANTS TO GO. ILANA Oh, I know. THE SPEAKER IN THE CAR ANNOUCES: “NEXT STOP: PRINCE ST.” WE THEN SEE ILANA SMILING AS WHAM!’S “WAKE ME UP” PLAYS. EXT. SOHO (ABBI, ILANA) ABBI, ILANA, AND CHARLOTTE STROLL DOWN THE STREET WITH THE AIR OF ARISTOCRATS. INT. CHLOE CLOTHING STORE (ABBI, ILANA, SALESPERSON)

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ABBI & ILANA ENTER, BOTH WEARING SUNGLASSES, ABBI HOLDING CHARLOTTE IN HER ARMS. A SALESPERSON RUNS UP. SALESPERSON Excuse me ladies, but you cannot bring that... (whispered) ...pig... (normal) ...in our store. THE GIRLS DROP THEIR JAWS. ABBI REMOVES HER GLASSES, LOOKING AT THE GROUND. SHE LOOKS AT THE SALESPERSON. ABBI I see you’re not aware of who you’re speaking to. ILANA Mmhmm. ABBI Her name is Charlotte. She is a rescue and member of my family. But if you need to, you can speak to my husband, the Head of Medicine at Central Park Zoo. ABBI HANDS HER THE BUSINESS CARD. ILANA You know the C.P.Z/? SALESPERSON (Looking up from card) I’m aware? My apology. ILANA Forgiven.

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SALESPERSON DOESN’T RETURN CARD. ABBI (Pointing to card, partially dropping act) I’m just gonna need-SALESPERSON RETURNS THE CARD SUSPICIOUSLY. ABBI (CONT’D) --oh, yeah, thanks. THE GIRLS MODEL CLOTHES OUTSIDE THE DRESSING ROOM FOR EACH OTHER, INCLUDING CHARLOTTE IN A BABY’S PINK DRESS. INT. GODIVA CHOCOLATS (ABBI, ILANA) THE GIRLS SHARE CHOCOLATES WITH CHARLOTTE. WHEN NO ONE’S LOOKING, ILANA TONGUES A CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN. INT. NEW MUSEUM (ABBI, ILANA) THE GIRLS LOOK AT PIECES OF MODERN ART. EXT. SOHO (ABBI, ILANA) ILANA Hey look, what I got for Charlotte. ILANA PULLS A THE SMALL, PINK DRESS THAT CHARLOTTE MODELED. ABBI Ilana, how did you pay for that?! ILANA With my five-finger-coupon. ABBI You, stole from one of the most expensive stores in the country?!

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ILANA Borrowed. Only until we drop her off. Then I’ll return it to the store. ABBI LOOKS AT THE PIG AND BACK AT ILANA. ABBI Okay. But we have to return it today, alright? ILANA Absolutely. ILANA LOOKS AT HER PHONE. ILANA (CONT’D) Oh shit! ABBI What’s wrong? ILANA The farm closes at 8. We only have an hour to get there. EXT. PIG FARM - NIGHT (ABBI, ILANA) THE GIRLS ARRIVE AT THE ENTRANCE TO THE FARM, BUT THE GATE TO THE MAIN ROAD IS LOCKED. ILANA PULLS ON THE GATE. ILANA Dammit. (to Abbi) Guess we gotta come back tomorrow. ABBI What?! No, I am not making this trek again for a pig--

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ILANA Pet. ABBI For a pet that I don’t want. ILANA POINTS AT CHARLOTTE. ILANA She heard all of that. OINKING IS HEARD IN THE DISTANCE. ABBI Pigs! ILANA Wait, if we follow this fence around the property, it’ll lead to the pig pen. ABBI What if we get caught? ILANA What are they gonna do shoot us? ABBI GIVES HER A LOOK THAT SAYS “YES”. ILANA (CONT’D) Yeah, I guess that wouldn’t be out of the ordinary. ABBI You know what, I don’t care. I’ve spent my whole birthday bring Charlotte here, so I sure as hell will be going empty handed.

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CHARLOTTE OINKS. PIG PEN THE GIRLS WALK ALONG SIDE THE FENCE AS THEY COME UP TO THE BACK OF THE PIG PEN. THE FENCE BECOMES WIRE WHERE THE PIG PEN STARTS. ITS A VERY LARGE FIELD WITH SLEEPING PIGS EVERYWHERE. ILANA CLIMBS FIRST, FOLLOWED BY ABBI, WHO’S SHOE WE SEE STEP IN MUD. ABBI Aw man, I just got these. ILANA (whispering) Shh...we gotta be quiet. This is espionage. ABBI Yea, this is just like that James Bond scene in a pig pen. ILANA Which one was-ABBI Just go! THEY SNEAK SLOWLY THROUGH THE PIG PEN, PAST LARGE, SLEEPING PIGS. ILANA, WITH CHARLOTTE IN HER ARMS, STEPS ON A SQUIGGLY TAIL. SHE FREEZES, SWINGING HER ARM OUT TO HALT ABBI, NOW HOLDING CHARLOTTE LIKE A RUNNING BACK. ILANA Losing balance. ABBI Don’t lose balance. ILANA’S BODY IS SHAKING AS SHE PHYSICALLY MULTITASKS.

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ABBI (CONT’D) Happy thoughts: Zabars, Fireball, James Spader... ILANA He’s so hot, but he’s not. ABBI I know, it’s weird. ILANA RELAXES, AND LIFTS HER FOOT OFF OF THE TAIL. THE LARGE PIG LETS OUT A BLOOD CURDLING “REEEEEKKKKK”, FOLLOWED BY A GROWING WAVE OF THE SAME SOUND HURDLING TOWARD THE MAIN COMPLEX. ALL THE LIGHTS IN THE COMPLEX COME ON, AS A FARMER EMERGES IN SHADOW. FARMER Who’s out there?! THE GIRLS DUCK BEHIND AN ADJACENT LOG. ILANA CRAP! WHAT DO WE DO?! ABBI LEMME TALK HIM DOWN. ILANA WHAT? ABBI IT’S WHAT JAMES BOND WOULD DO! ILANA YOU’RE NOT JAMES BOND! ABBI I THOUGHT I WAS JAMES BOND! ILANA I WAS JUST BEING POSITIVE!

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ABBI Trust me, Ilana. ABBI STANDS UP, AND RE-POSTURES HERSELF PROFESSIONALLY. ABBI (CONT’D) (to Farmer) We’ve never met. My name is-A BULLET BLASTS INTO ABBI’S SHOULDER. SHE FLYS BACK. ABBI (CONT’D) Nonononononono. ILANA Abbi! ILANA RUSHES OVER, CHARLOTTE RUNS TO THE OTHER SIDE. ILANA (CONT’D) You’re gonna be fine. Everything’s gonna be okay, right Charlotte. CHARLOTTE OINKS. ABBI LOOKS LIKE A GHOST STARING STRAIGHT INTO THE NIGHT SKY IN SHOCK. ABBI I’ve been shot, I’ve been shot, I’ve been shot... ILANA We should’ve brought the handgun! ABBI This is what it’s like to die... ILANA James Bond gets shot, he gets shot, in almost every movie.

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ABBI Put pressure on it. ILANA PRESSES HER MUDDY HAND INTO THE WOUND. ABBI (CONT’D) You’re pushing mud in my wound. ILANA (crying) I’m sorry! I’m just a Moneypenny! SUDDENLY HUGE SPOT LIGHTS COME ON AROUND THE PEN, ILLUMINATING IT LIKE FENWAY PARK. TRUCKS BREAK THROUGH THE BARRICADE. ONE OF THE DOORS OPENS, AND THE HOT GUY GETS OUT. ILANA (CONT’D) Help! Lady down! THE HOT GUY RUNS OVER. HOT GUY Hey, you’re the girls from the train. What are doing at this illegal slaughter house. ABBI Slaughterhouse? ILANA Wh, rh, uh, rescuing more pigs? HOT GUY PUTS HIS HAND ON ILANA’S SHOULDER. HOT GUY Tonight, you’re heroes. ABBI I’m heroes... PIG FARM - LATER (ABBI, ILANA, HOT GUY)

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ABBI IS GETTING BANDAGED IN THE BACK OF AN AMBULANCE, WHILE ILANA AND THE HOT GUY ARE ABOUT 20 FEET IN FRONT OF THE OPEN AMBULANCE DOORS. HOT GUY (to Ilana) You’re really brave to try to do what you did. ILANA Sometimes I don’t even think of myself, I just do for another...animal? HOT GUY You know I knew there was something special about you when we met. ABBI MAKES A STINK FACE. ILANA That’s me, always the Moneypenny. THEY BOTH FAKE LAUGH. ABBI (to Herself) What? HOT GUY Hey, have you ever gotten a real tour of the Central Park Zoo? ILANA I don’t think I have. ABBI Three years ago!

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ILANA Alot happens in three years. HOT GUY Well I’d love to give you one if you’re ever free. ILANA Absolutely. ILANA RUNS BACK TO THE AMBULANCE, HOPS IN ACROSS FROM ABBI ILANA (CONT’D) (to Abbi) Guess who’s got a zoo-date? ABBI You stole my fake-husband. ILANA Yeah, but now you can get a divorce, bleed him for everything he’s got, and we can run off into the sunset. ABBI Surprisingly enough, this was one of the be... (pause) ...this was one of the most exciting birthday’s I’ve ever had. ILANA Mission Accomplished. JAMES BOND THEME PLAYS. THE AMBULANCE DOORS CLOSE, AND THE AMBULANCE DRIVES OFF INTO THE SUNRISE. CENTRAL PARK ZOO - CAMEL EXHIBIT - DAY (ILANA, HOT GUY)

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ILANA AND HOT GUY ARE INSIDE THE CAMEL DEN, AND ILANA IS CLEARLY GROSSED OUT. HOT GUY That’s Max, he was an Al-Qaeda drug runner in Afghanistan until we rescued him 3 years ago. MAX WALK UP TO ILANA, WHO IS STANDING STIFF AS A BOARD. HE SNEEZES INTO HER FACE. THEN HE STARTS PULLING ON HER HAIR. HOT GUY (CONT’D) Oh, and he loves hair! ILANA He sure does. MAX POOPS. FADE TO BLACK.