Sleight of Mouth

Written by

HARRY ALLEN Design & Layout by

DANIEL McCARTHY Write for more information on other titles and instructional video's from:

L & L Publishing Quality Magical Literature P.O. Box 100 Tahoma, California 96 142

I make no claim that all of the humor in this book is my own. Much of it is. I have taken some of the best known lines in comedy and adapted them to magic. I'd like to thank the following people who contributed to this book: Michael Ammar, Carl Ballantine, Chris Brand, Alain Choquette, Aldo Colombini, Irv Cook, Gary Darwin, Ron Dentinger, Jimbo Elbers, Mark Fine, Roy Fromer, Dan Garrett, Russ Glover, Whit Haydn, John McCollister, Hank Miller, Seth Ossinsky, Tom Piccard, Dave Powell, Ken Scott, Terry Seabrooke, Joe Willingham and Henny Youngrnan. Harry Allen

SECOND EDITION O Copyright 1995 by L (b. L Publishing All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical photocopying, recording or any information storage and retrieval system now known or to be invented, without the permission of the publisher. Printed and bound in the United States of America. 654321

Foreword I think you have a great book. This is a great bunch of one liners which magicians and comedians can use all over the world I'm borrowing some of these jokes myself. All the best, Henny Youngman

Take this book, please!!!

THlS 1s A GREAT DOOKII! TAKE THlS BOOK PLEASE!!! -%

Introduction Unlike many books and periodicals advertised as gag bits, et cetera sold t o the magic profession, this book, like the soap a d is 99 44/100% pure. This means most of this stuff in this book can be used Any Magi who can say, "For my next trick," will find this book worthy of making his magic act more of a performance. It should be inhis bag of tricks lying next to his Die Box andLinking Rings (the trick, not the magazine). Don't leave for your next gig without it.

Carl Ballantine

Preface by John McCollister, Ph.D. In this hustle-bustle society in which our national and local news reports scream at us with headlines about street violence, dy&nctional families and dishonest politicians, along comes someone who is able to catapult us from the harsh realities ofthe mundane world to a psychological oasis. Such a person compels us to take a mental break from the troubles of the day and, instead, allow us to laugh at ourselves and the things which otherwise would give us ulcers, Harry Allen is one ofthose gifted people. Through his wizardry, Harry Allen can mystify us with his sleight of hand, misdirection and those other ploys honed and perfected by magicians for centuries. But it's Harry's uncanny sense ofhumor that sets him apart from most other magic buffs. With one clever line, he's been known to eliminate any hostility that an audience may bring to a performance, The biblical prophet wrote: "A merry heart does good like medicine." Harry's act proves it, It's notjust a show; it becomes therapy, This book gives some real world examples of Harry's keen sense of humor that has stood the test of time and audiences. Read them all. If possible, incorporate them into your act. If nothing else, read them andjust enjoy them for what they are. Humor can uplift the soul and help soothe the aches and pains ofthis world Once you learn to use it effectively, you can turn the ordinary into the spectacular, and the depressed loner into a zealot with hope. Now, that's magic.

CONTENTS OPENINGS 1 MEDICAL 6 CARDTRICKS 8 MARRIAGE 11 LAUGHTER IS BAD DAY 21 APPLAUSE 22 COMEDY FILLERS 31 INSULTS FOR HECKLERS 45 BAD NEIGHBORHOOD 67 ANIMALS 68 SCHOOL 70 JOKES DIE 71 BODY SOUNDS 72 M.C. BITS / STORIES 74 ROPETRICKS 93 ERRORS 94 INTRODUCING YOUR NEXT TRICK 103 ASSISTANTS 107 LATECOMERS 129 TRICKS OF THE TRADE 127 FOR MAGICIANS ONLY 140 ODDS AND ENDS 14s FATHUMOR 161 VENT HUMOR 162 SENIOR CITIZEN HUMOR 163 GENERAL COMMENTS 164 ANECDOTES 172 QUICKIES 173 PUNS OR DOUBLE MEANINGS 174 IMPRESSIONS 17s ENDINGS 176

OPENINGS @ How many people have seen me before? How many people have never seen me before? How many people wouldn't care if they never see me again? @ Who is here for the first time? Who has never been here before? (Same thing)

@ I see all the outpatients are here tonight. @ Is there anyone who came in without paying? (Shoot blank gun into audience) Is there anyone else?

@ I'm here live. I'm not via satellite, and there are no camera tricks. @ You might ask the question, "Will he thrill me?" or, "Will he leave me aghast?" I don't know, but you might ask the question.

@ Good evening. Myname is Harry Allen. Of course, you all know yours.

@ I do magic and comedy;if you don't find it funny, then it's magic.

@ (Come out scratchmg) I wanted to start from scratch. @ I'm the person your mother didn't even dare mention.

2

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Sleight of Mouth

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a

Walk out on stage and the spot light is shining elsewhere. Walk over to the spot where it's shining and it will move elsewhere. Do this a couple of times. Then, take out a blank gun and shoot the spot light operator. Have the spot light go out completely.

a I just got done working a waitress convention. Everything was self service and they paid me in tips.

8 I did a bus driver reunion. All the drinks were exact change and you had to drink in the rear.

@ I did a show for priests. They didn't pay me, they forgave me!

@ I did an Ivy League college. They didn't applaud or laugh. If they liked something, they said, "Clever, very clever."

a I played for a rock audience.

They were so stoned, they watched me in slow motion. I finished my act in 20 minutes. They laughed for an hour and a half.

@ If you have any drugs take them now. @ Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I guess that covers most of us.

a Good evening ladies and gentlemen. (Look off stage). Do I have time for more?

a I'd like to say hello to all you beautiful people ...All the ugly ones too.

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Openings

3

@ Is anyone here from Florida or outside the state? @ I'm the greatest magician I've ever seen. @ I'll never forget when I was playing Carnegie Hall. I drew a line around the block. The manager made me go out and erase it.

@ I wanted to get here in the worst way. I took the freeway. Believe me, that was the worst way.

8 I was a taste tester for the Sunsweet Prune Juice Company. It wasn't too bad, I worked one day and was off three. @ We have something in common if you watch Johnny Carson or the Letterman show. So do I. @ I used to be a dancer, but the music would throw me off.

8 They call me the Vanna White of magic. @ I bet we have a great looking audience. (Turn the house lights up slowly). Well, anyone could be wrong. (Turn the house Lights down slowly).

@ I come from a large family, Mammals. @ You're about to see standing ovation material.

@ My name is Harry Allen. If that alone is not enough, I'll perform some magic for you.

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a

Last night's show,I knew,would be difficult. They had chcken wire between me and the audience.

@ After that introduction, I have only one thing to say: "I want more money!"

@ Come out brushing your tuxedo off and say: "This tuxedo picks up everythmg but women."

@ If the show dies, at least I'm dressed for it. @ How do you Like the clothes? I'm thinking about buying them.

@ I'm going to pop a lozenge into my mouth and when it dissolves I'll know to finish my speech. Which reminds me of a preacher friend of mine who did the same until one day he accidently popped a button in his mouth. As far as I know, he's still in the pulpit preaching. Before I start talkmg, I want to say a few words.

@ Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to do my finale first. That way, if anyone walks in late they won't miss the beginning of the show, just the ending.

@ Did you know magicians make good bed partners? They all share the same bunk.

@ It was heck driving here today. I just passed my driver's exam. I took a crash course.

Openings

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5

@ Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the wonderful world of magic. The second oldest profession. Robbery was the first. What were you thinking of? Remember, Eve stole the apple.

@ Good evening, my name is Harry Allen. For those of you on drugs its Haaaarrrry Allllen. @ This is a very nice place. Last week I worked a pessimist bar where they have unhappy hour. From 4 to 7pm you get one drink for the price of two.

@ Trickery is my business. Illusion is my way of life. @ Is there anyone here who does not llke magic? (Fire a blank gun into the audience) Is there anyone else?

@ (Walk on stage and take a drink) What's wrong? When you get to your job, do you start right away?

@ Welcome to the Twilight Zone, I'm your usher. @ Do you like good magic? Well, you came to the wrong show.

@ There is no excuse for the way I am about to behave. @ (Intro for next act) This act is so clean that his doves fly upside down.

MEDICAL @ My doctor was so cheap he used to take my pulse and keep it.

@ My doctor told me to start smoking so I would stop chewing gum.

@ I went to my psychiatrist the other day. I told him1had suicidal tendencies. He said, "That's o.k., just pay in advance." He then told me to lie on the couch, face down.

@ I read a sign in a plastic surgeon's office: "The nose of your choice is here for the picking." I know, it's snot nice. @ Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.

@ I used to sell Murine to private eyes. @ Preparation H doesn't work. The only thing it shrinks is my index finger.

@ Did you hear magicians can now get insurance for pregnancy? It's called accidental life.

w Are nervous breakdowns hereditary? It must be. You get it from your children.

@ Be true to your teeth, and they won't be false to you.

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@ There's nothing wrong with sex. Just don't inhale.

a If alcohol is a crutch, then magic is a wheelchair. @ How far away is your therapist from being The Rapist? (Dental) My dentist tells me I grind my teeth so at night I fill my mouth with coffee beans and water and set the clock for 7:30 a.m. (Dental) My dentist changed jobs. He became a proctologist . He says he couldn't stand people coughing in h s face.

@ I went to see my physician, "Doc,you have to help me. I keep seeing talking dogs, talking mice, talking crickets, even talkmg ducks. I'm concerned...what should I do?" "Don't worry about it," replies the doctor. "You're having Disney spells."

@ (Health) I jog to work behind the bus I used to ride to work. I feel great and I save $2.00 a day. My wife says, "Why don't you save $20.00 and jog behind a cab?"

CARD TRICKS @ Sign the card on the front, back, or if you're extremely talented, sign it on the edge.

@ Hand someone the deck and say "shufflethe cards but don't mix them." @ Pick a card. Burn it on your memory. You will look awfully funny waking up with a burnt memory. @ Fan deck..."Take a free sample."

@ A deck of cards, known to some as "the devil's bible." @ The ribbon spread, known to some as the "gambler's salute."

@ Please exarnine the deck. A stacked deck may mean nothing to you, but it means a good deal to me.

@ Would you examine this deck? While you are examining that deck, I'll show you a trick with this deck.

@ Pick a card. Don't show it to me; show it to your brain. @ Plck a card. Show it to your friends. It shouldn't take long.

@ This is a poker deck. As a matter of fact there's a poker game in the men's room and there is a seat open. You go in with a full house and come out with a flush. Anyone for craps?

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@ Mix up the cards throughly. Now put them back in the exact order they were in. @ Pick a card, look at it, and don't show it to anyone but yourself. You are the only personin the whole wide world that knows that card. Quite a responsibility for one person. It would be one heck of an acomplishment if you can remember it.

@ Shuffle the cards. Are they mixed up? So am I. Did you ever consider a career at the post office?

@ Pick a card. Do you want to change your mind? Or are you happy with the mind you have?

@ Let's use half a deck...we don't have time for a full deck.

@ Don't mind all these cards. I really don't need them. However, they do go nicely with the trick.

@ (Guesswrong card) Is that it? No? Don't tell me, I have 5 1 more guesses.

@ Sit on this. That will put it closer to your mind. @ For female: Say stop! Do you remember when you used to say stop?

@ Name a card. (Answer:What do youmean?) Let's start with an easier question; what's your name?

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Card Tricks

@ Do you know one card from another? Yes? Too bad! 1'11have to use someone else.

@ I have so many cards up my sleeve, I send my suit out to be cleaned, pressed and shuffled.

@ This trick doesn't make any sense. It's like playing strip solitaire.

@ (Drop three cards) Oh! Three defectors.

@ Have a female assistant select a card by saying stop. When she says stop, and you don't, she will want to know why. You tell her that you are acting just like a man.

@ Pick a card, (they pick the four of spades) Amazing! You picked the only four of spades in the entire deck. @ (When you get the wrong card) At least the backs match.

@ (If you drop cards) Don't worry I have 48 more.

@ (If you drop cards) I have magic in my blood. It just hasn't reached my fingertips yet.

@ Cut the cards. Thanks, you follow instructions very well. You must be married.

@ Pick a card and show it to your friends. (Turn your back to the audience) I won't look. (Look over your shoulder) I have other methods.

MARRIAGE @ My wife has one of those photographic minds. It's too bad it never developed.

@ She always wears these peek-a-booblouses. One peek and you boo. @ They call her man-hole mouth. When she kisses me, she sucks my whole head in.

@ She's the kind of girl you want to take to a drive-in

theatre ...if you want to watch the picture.

@ In my house we pray after we eat.

@ I don't thinkmashed potatoes should glow in the dark. @ I'm not saying she's fat, but the doctor told me for exercise to walk around her one time. @ I'm not saying she's fat, but on our honeymoon night it took me two trips to carry her over the threshold. @ I miss her cooking...as often as possible.

@ My wife is 24 years old ...that's 153 to you and me. @ She'll tell an albino he looks pale.

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@ I'm not saying she's ugly but on Halloween when she opens the door the kids give her candy.

@ On Halloween she wears a pair of jockey shorts on her head and goes out as an ass.

@ I married a nun...none in the morning...none in the afternoon ...and none at night. I told mywife I hurt my little pinky. She said that's 0.k.

I have a headache anyhow!

@ The only time my wife had a gleam in her eye is when there was a short in her electric blanket.

@ My wife and I have only one thing in common. We were married on the same day.

@ Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I let her sleep.

@ We've been happily married four years. We're celebrating our twenty-fifth anniversary.

@ I never marry for money. It's cheaper to borrow it. @ How many ladies like Chinese food? My wife loves it so much she has it three times a week. I figured out why. Won ton spelled backwards is "Not Now."

@ It's little things that break up marriages. Like little blondes ...little brunettes ...

IVIarriage

13

@ If the bride wears white as a symbol of purity, why does the groom always wear black?

@ (For linking ring routine, emphasize unusual large wedding bands) There's only one problem about being the best manat a wedding, you don't get a chance to prove it.

@ Marriage is a wonderful institution; however, we're all not ready for institutions.

@ There's nothing wrong with marriage. If you don't believe it, ask Mickey Rooney.

@ Are you newlyweds or nearly dead? @ My wife and I were happy for 15 years. Then we met. @ Love is a sweet dream, and marriage is an alarm clock. @ My wife told me she bit her tongue. I said, "I'm surprised you could catch it."

@ My wife is going through her change. Unfortunately, she's also going through her dollars. @ She's so old sex gives her motion sickness. @ My wife tried one of those mud packs. You know something, it really did improve her appearance. But then she washed it off.

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Sleight of Mouth

@ My wife told me to walk the dog. She was wondering why I put a leash around her neck.

@ I took my wife to the zoo last week. The guy thanked me for returning her.

@ I told my wife brown shorts turn me on. So she didn't wash them for four weeks.

@ In college I was voted the most likely to succeed. My girlfriend was voted the most likely to conceive.

@ My wife is very nearsighted, she lost her glasses and is now knitting me a sweater out of spaghetti.

@ My wife is cooking much better now that she found out the smoke alarm is not a timer. @ I shaved this morning and told my wife I felt ten years younger. She said, "Why don't you shave at night?"

@ My wife dances so badly that people keep looking for her medical alert bracelet.

@ Is bad coffee grounds for divorce? @ My wife used up all her sick days. Now she's calling in dead.

@ My best friend kissed my wife. I said, "Bill, I have to! But you!!"

Marriage

15

@ I take my wife wherever I go. She's too ugly to kiss goodbye.

@ My wife is starting a cooking show for television. It's called "THAT'S INEDIBLE." @ What is a home without children? Answer: Quiet

@ "I've been asked to get married plenty of times." "Who asked you?" "Mother and father." @ A bachelor is a man who never makes the same mistake once. @ Not all men are fools. Some are bachelors. @ Bachelors know more about women than married men do; that's why they're bachelors. @ Statistics prove that singlemendiemuchquicker than married men, so fellas if you're looking for a slow death - GET MARRIED!

@ I guess the reason I'm not married is because I was born that way.

LAUGHTER @ (Late laughter) Too late. @ (Individual laughing) No individual laughing, please. Stay with the group.

@ (Individuallaughing) Would you explain it to the rest of the people? @ (Individual laughing) Thanks, Mom.

@ Will you cheer up! @ Please don't laugh at me. You may have children of your own some day.

@ (Nolaughs) I would like to say something funny at this time, but I don't want to break the mood you're in. I hate worlung for drug-oriented crowds. They laugh

two days later.

@ (Individuallaughing) Will you please pass that laugh around?

@ Are you sitting on a feather? @ (No laughs) You might as well laughnow, as I don't get any funnier.

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@ (No laughs) I see you're not buying the bullshit.

@ (No laughs) I have to tell three more bad jokes to get warmed up.

@ (No laughs) Come on...concentrate.

@ (No laughs) Laugh now, or forever hold your peace. @ Laugh now, the humor doesn't get any better. @ It's a joke! These are all jokes. @ (No laughs) There's a punch line here somewhere. @ (No laughs) A lot of these jokes are just for me. @ (No laughs) Did I mention that I only have a few weeks to live?

@ (No laughs) What are you, talent scouts for a cemet ery?

@ (No laughs) I'm laughing alone, but that's oak. @ (No laughs) I could make you laugh, but it would only spoil the mood.

@ (No laughs) You're slow, but you're with me. @ (Laughter ahead of time) Either I'm talking too slow or you're thinking too fast.

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Laughter

@ (Lots of laughs) Can you handle more? @ (Lots of laughs) That's funny, I never heard that before.

@ (Lots of laughs) You're a good group. Looks like I'll have to do the full act.

@ (Lots of laughs) Ijust heard this joke for the first time, too.

@ (Hardlaughter) Please lady, someone has to sit in that chair after you.

@ (Hard laughter) I can't wait to hear what I have to say next.

@ (No laughs) Let's face it, I've got 86 more gags in my act, so you'd,better laughnow and we'll all go home early.

@ (No laughs) Thank you for that wonderful burst of silence.

@ (No laughs) (Look off stage) Better start the car.

@ You're suppose to laugh at my jokes and be mystified

at my magic...not laugh at my magic and be mystified at my jokes.

@ That's what is known as a sitting ovation. @ (No laughs) Who hired the audience?

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@ (No laughs) Thanks for coming to my funeral

@ (Sneeze) Sorry but I'm allergic to audiences. @ (Individuallaughter) Which joke are you working on, sir?

@ You think I'm funny? You don't look so good yourself. @ I had a lady laugh so hard she had tears running down her leg.

@ (Hard laughter) Don't hurt yourself.

@ (Nolaughs) I guess it's about this time inmy act where you people are wondering who canceled.

@ (No laughs) If this is boring you, imagine how I feel.

@ I'm not really happy. It's a chemical imbalance. @ Laugh and the world laughs with you. Pass gas and you sleep alone.

@ (No laughs) When I come to a joke you like, hold up your hand. @ You may laugh at t h s next trick, and I would certainly appreciate it.

@ Are you having a good time? Well, tell your face.

20

Laughter

p p p p -

@ (Lots of applause) That won't stop me. @ (One person applauding) No! No! No! All or nothmg.

@ Thank you for validating me as a magician. @ You flatter me with your applause and amuse me with your presence.

BAD DAY b T h s morning I had a terrible accident. I got on the bus and I had my eye on the seat. Someone sat on it.

@ 1 put both contact lenses in the same eye and it was shut at the time.

b My twin brother forgot my birthday. b I got beat up. I found out I was h i t c h - h b g with the wrong finger.

b I used the public restroom and I found my phone nurnber on the wall. I called, but nobody answered. @ My uncle came to visit. He has an electric pace maker. Every time he sneezes my garage door goes up.

APPLAUSE @ Thanks for doing your job. @ (No applause) You may sit down while the applause dies down.

@ (No applause) Please, stop shouting "Bravo!" @ (No applause) After you catch your breath I'll go on.

@ Thank you for the squatting ovation. @ (No applause) Hold the applause. Oh! You are. @ Please, Please. I'm happy to be working. @ Thanks for the applause. You folks really know talent when you see it.

@ It's amazing what I'll go through for a round of applause.

@ (No applause) There are two ways to do magic. One is with applause. @ I usually go off stage to a thunderous round of applause after this next trick. However, I have had a burst of silence before.

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@ Applause doesn't make me nervous. @ (Late applause) Ah too late! I know sympathy when I hear it.

@ (Late applause) Forget it, I don't need pity.

@ (No applause) I'm used to working in a cemetery. @ (No applause) What a table, it sleeps eight.

@ (No applause) Are you surprised or stunned? @ (No applause) 1'11do it again despite popular demand.

@ (No applause) Comedy, comedy, it's in my blood. I sure wish it were in my act.

@ (No applause) Alright, maybe you were never an audience before.

@ (No applause) That's 0.k. I can handle rejection. @ (No applause) Thank you for the one-handed applause.

@ (No applause) My last audience was polite. They covered their mouths when they yawned.

@ (No applause) You can be replaced, by an audience. @ (No applause) This trickwas called, "Flattery"because it gets me nowhere.

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Applause

@ (No applause) Let's get with it. You'll have to get quicker, we've got a lot to get through.

@ (No applause) Come on now, with this material you must be alert. It creeps up on you like cheap pants.

@ Can you hear me in the back? That's a funny place to have ears.

@ (No applause) And now I would like someone to stand. Preferably someone alive.

@ (No applause) This is the only audience where someone could die and no one would notice.

@ (No applause) Don't respond now. Save it.

8 (No applause) I see you're easily bored. @ (No applause) Please settle yourselves down. You have done a wondeful job so far.

@ (One person applauds) Glad to see someone likes it. What do the rest of you think?

@ (One person applauds) Glad you decided to come. @ (Groans) Remember, I didn't go out looking for you.

@ I don't want to alarm you, but a recent study showed no laughing or applauding causes serious grin injuries.

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@ This is my anniversary. Ten shows without a laugh. @ I paid for these props and jokes and I'm going to use them.

o (No response) Was it something I said? @ (No response) They loved me in the dressing room.

@ (No laughs) Is t h s an English speaking audience? That was my best joke. Boy, am I in trouble.

@ (No laughs) Ah, you heard that one before. @ (Groan)Are you in pain? (If "yes"is returned) I'm not surprised, in that suit.

@ (No laughs) Ah yes! Let's all spend a nice quiet evening together.

@ (Look off stage) Is the curtain up?

@ (No applause) I know some of you have been saving your applause. Now is the time!

@ (No applause) I could have phoned this show in.

@ (No applause) Are you bored or pissed? @ (No applause) Might as well applaud, it's too late to get your money back.

Applause

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@ (No applause) I'll wait. @ (No applause) You may show your appreciation now.

@ (No applause) I thought I was going to like you. @ (No applause) Can you pretend you are having a good time?

@ (No applause) A little louder, please.

@ (No applause) I'm sure we can work this thing out. @ (No applause) Do you understand any of this or are you sedated?

@ (No applause) Remember, you can be replaced by an audience.

@ (No applause) I know you are out there, I saw you come in through the door.

@ (Weak applause) Doesn't count if it's not from your heart .

@ (No applause) Well, perhaps you're right. @ (One person applauds) Could you hop around so it sounds like a crowd?

w

(Lots of applause) You're spoiling me, folks.

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@ (Lots of applause) Please, please. You'll ruin my timing.

@ (Lots of applause) Please, please. It will only put me in a higher tax bracket. @ (Lots of applause) If I had blood I'd blush. @ (Lots of applause) Please don't ...please don't stop.

@ (Lots of applause) I don't want you to get too excited. I have a weak finish.

@ (Lots of applause) You obviously don't get out much. @ (Lots of applause) Boy! Are you starved for entertainment. @ (Lots of applause) Oh! Feedback! @ (Lots of applause) No, no, please don't spoil my

timing. Every sentence is planned and psychologically calculated to build an atmosphere of hilarious humor until we finally reach an explosive let down.

@ (No applause) Please, don't shout "Bravo,"just clap your hands.

@ (After applause) You are such a good audience. You deserve me.

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Applause

@ (No applause) I know you're all dying to applaud but you just don't know when.

@ (After applause) Thank you. You should get out more often. @ ('leak applause) I got more applause on my honeymoon.

@ (No applause) Is it the outfit you don't like?

@ (No applause) I'm used to performing with no response. I've been married for 20 years. @ (Lots of applause) You people know a good thing when you see it!

@ (Lots of applause) Oh sure, now he's good! @ (No applause) (Have audience tap one finger into palm, then two fingers into palm, continue three, four etc...until they are applauding.)

@ (No response) And the crowd goes wild!

@ (No applause) Have we had our medication today? @ (After applause) I accept tips. @ (No applause) The performer is not responsible for articles that fall off your lap and onto the floor during standing ovations.

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@ (No applause) I thought this was a quiet place for a rehearsal.

@ (No applause) I will do it again, even though you didn't applaud.

@ (No applause) Would someone in the audience give me a number from one to ten? Thank you, I just wanted to see if you were still awake.

@ (No applause) Oh, this trick is really nothing. I can tell by the applause.

@ (Lots of applause) Please save the applause until the end, as I have a very weak finish.

@ (Lots of applause) You're much too good for what's coming.

@ (Lots of applause) I'm glad you're applauding now, because this may be it.

@ (Lots of applause) You are a wonderful audience, so give yourself a standing ovation.

@ (Lots of applause) You may not like me now, but later you'll learn to hate me.

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Applause

Harry Allen and Henny Youngrnan

COMEDY @ (After something great) Aren't you glad I only use my powers for good?

@ What's red and white and cement? I don't know either, I just threw the cement in to make it hard. @ I do this only at night. That way you can't say I see this every day.

@ I'm the person your mother never let you play with. @ Is there anyone here from New York? (Fire a blank gun). I just want to make you feel at home.

@ Live every day as if it were your last and someday you will be right.

@ I use to be a mattress salesman. I thought it would be somethng to fall back on.

@ Show me a Jewish boy who didn't go to medical school and I'll show you a lawyer.

@ What do you give someone who has everything? Penicillin. @ With t h s much excitement, who needs enemas?

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Sleight of Mouth

@ I nearly lost a finger on a wdd goose chase.

@ I just got divorced, then got remarried. The divorce didn't work out.

8 Me nervous? You try taking ten valiurns. @ I'm often asked how long magicians should perform. Actually the same as short ones. @ I'm often asked my performing fee. I tell them it's either $5.00 or $1000.00. When asked, "What's the difference?" I say, "For $1000.00 I use both hands."

@ (Taxi)A cabby makes his living by driving his custorners away.

@ (Tips) Did you know money grows on palms? @ (Tips)This restaurant is so expensive you don't tip the maitre'd, you put him in your will.

@ When I was six my farnily moved - but I found them again.

8 By workmg faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.

@ I lost my last job because of illness. The boss got sick of me.

@ I never like to eat on an empty stomach.

Comedy Fillers

33

@ Anybody who guesses how I do this next trick, I'll give them right after the show - a brand new Ford - catalogue.

@ If I had my life to do over again, I'd live each day a year at a time.

@ Did you know that they're taking the word "gullible" out of the dictionary?

@ Any magician who doesn't have a hernia just isn't carrying his share of the load.

@ On my way to the show my car broke down, so I put flares all around it. For the next hour and a half people drove past singing, "Happy Birthday To You."

@ I wasn't a very bright child. I remember my teacher telling my father that with luck I might grow up to be a cMd.

@ What time is it? 3:00 o'clock. I asked that question six times today and I've been getting different answers.

@ Do you want to know how to feel younger? Hang around old people. @g I just bought some batteries but they weren't included. So I bought them again. This hotel doesn't have to have wake up calls. They send Federal Express.

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Sleight of Mouth

@ Do you have any cards? Yes. I wish I knew some card tricks.

@ I know what you're thinking. "What a clever guy." @ Ladies and gentlemen, I have an enormous trick I would like to show you. I did say it correctly. @ And just think, my mother wanted me to be a fortune teller. But, I couldn't see any future in it.

@ I wasn't always a magician. In school I was my teacher's pet. That's because she couldn't afford a dog.

@ I started doing magic to deal with my shyness, and it's definitely helped. I'm able to be more shy in front of much larger groups of people. @ I used to open my act with "There is a man sitting in the third row who lives at 45 Pine Street. He wears size 34 underwear and a 16 shirt collar..." My assistant was so amazed, she asked, "How do you know all that?" I said, "Easy, during the week I do his laundry." @ Doctors never listen. I called mine the other day and told him I had taken an overdose of aspirin and asked him what I should do. He said, "Take two aspirins and call me in the morning."

8 Television will never replace the newspaper. You'll never see a magician tear and restore a T. V. set.

Comedy Fillers

35

@ Before I was a magician I used to manage a one man band, until it broke up.

@ (When there is a baby in the audience) He looks like my father - lylng there on his back, clutching a bottle. @ I'll never forget when I lost my baby teeth. I didn't know my father could hit that hard.

W (Person coughing) People who cough loudly never go to the doctor, they go to magic shows.

@ I don't like to work on days ending with a "y". @ When I was little I was ugly. My parents hired an actor for our home movies.

@ When I was ten, I told my father I was going to run away from home. He made me put it in writing.

@ (When there is a fly buzzing around) I used an herbal shampoo to get rid of my dandruff. But now I get fruit flies.

@ They have some mosquitos here. Not only did he bite me and suck my blood, he left footprints on my arm.

@ I lost respect for you. You laughed at that. @ Sorry I'm sweating, if I don't I'll explode.

@ It pays to be good. It doesn't pay much, but it pays.

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Sleight of Mouth

@ T h s is my fifth trick for those of you keeping score.

@ I gave up drugs, alcohol, and sex. It was the worst twenty minutes of my life.

@ This is what I do nowadays instead of sex. @ I bought a water bed the other day. My wife calls it the Dead Sea.

@ I really need this job. I'm putting my father through prison.

@ Do you know how to break a child's finger? Punch him in the nose.

@ You can't see my legs. It's a good thing, because they're yellow. You see, my dog is blind.

@ My dog doesn't have any legs. Every night we take him for a drag. @ In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular. @ Things happen to me I just can't figure out. I received a letter from this loan company: "Now you can borrow enough money to get completely out of debt."

@ The trouble with being a magician today is that he can't support himself and the government on one income.

Comedy Fillers

37

@ I'm usually like a duck right before a performance. Calm and unruffled on the surface, but paddling like the devil underneath.

@ Raise your hand, how many of you were born? @ Would you like to see me on the David Letterman show? (Audiencewill applaud for yes) Good, write in and tell him I want to be on. November 16th I'm open.

@ Me and my brother not only have the same mother, but we were bosom buddies.

@ The less you see, the more you watch. @ Are there any questions on the material covered so far?

@ I know t h s is a classy audience, because I just saw a guy over there go (Rub your nose on your sleeve)

@ If this is boring to you, imagine what it's like to me. @ They say behind every successful magician is a beautiful woman. That gives you some idea of what my wife looks like.

@ With A.T.T. splitting up, even the Mexicans have their own phone company. It's called "Taco Bell."

@ I'll be back here again next winter. I know, because I overheard the owner say, "It will be a cold day when I have this guy back again."

38

Sleight of Mouth

e? I'll be back here again sometime. I heard the owner talking. By the way, when does hell freeze over? @ I just had a funny thought. A chicken is the only animal you can eat before it's born and after it's dead.

e? My uncle drank a quart of shellac. He died, but what a finish.

e? They say one out of four Americans is mentally ill. So look around you. If three people look o.k., then you're it!

@ Before I was a magician, I was a tester for the Sunsweet Prune Company. I worked one day and three off. I must say, it always kept me on the go. @ I have a lot more wonderful material, but you would only laugh.

e? This isn't the largest place I've played. The emcee and I share the same dressing room: a nail.

@ I want to thank the management. I have a lovely dressing room. All tile. But who needs six seats that flush?

@ You are a great audience. I wish I had a better act.

e? Have you seen me in the movies? I go there often. e? People never ask me how I do a trick. It's always why!

Comedy Fillers

39

@ To be a magician I must rely on wit, cleverness, and humor, which amounts to one heck of a lot of a trouble.

@ If you would only recognize that life is hard, things would be so much easier for you.

@ I lost 30 pounds on my vacation. I got robbed in England.

@ Last night, I tried undressing my assistant with my eyes. But her zipper kept ripping my eyelashes. @ My wife and I own an Iron&Steel Company. She irons all day and I steal all night.

@ Each day comes bearing its gifts. Untie the ribbons. @ If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

@ Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times-they had nobody to talk about.

@ T h s trickI'll do slower. That way you won't catch me. @ Did you hear about the butcher who backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work. (You know it's funny. Laugh!) @ If the world was created in six days, it goes to show you what can be accomplished without taking a coffee break.

@ Why is everyone named Bertha, fat?

40

Sleight of Mouth

@ Don't waste money buying a dictionary for your children. Wait until it comes out in movie version. @ It is not the chemicals in meat that will kill you. It's the price. @ If I told you once, I told you a rmllion times. Don't exaggerate.

@ There is only one ethnic joke. The rest are all true.

@ After the show I'm selling skunk oil for one scent. @ Once I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken. @ I will now pass my assistant out for examination. Looking at this audience I better not. @ Did you hear the joke about the chicken? It's foul. @ Have you heard about the new magician's hand lotion made out of cow manure? It's called: Vaseline Offensive Care.

@ I think I'm becoming bi-sexual. The only way I can get sex is buy it.

W Some magicians wear glasses to look intelligent. Or is it an optical illusion? @ My uncle used to be a diamond cutter. He used to mow Yankee Stadium.

Comedy Fillers

41

@ (Haveyour eyeglasses in your hand) This is what I look like when I'm making love to my wife. (Put your eyeglasses on) And this is what I look like the other 364 days of the year.

@ I just joined this group: "Sex without partners." @ Some people think marriage isn't magic, it's tragic.

@ Three things make up a great person. Intelligence, bad memory, and I forget the third.

e3 What's round and dangerous? Would you believe a vicious circle? @ I'm moving from the tenth floor to the ninth floor. But that's another story.

@ A magician without good patter is like Merrill Lynch without the bull.

@ Did you hear the one about the gentlemen who never learned how to spell? Last night he paid fifty dollars to spend the night in a warehouse.

@ Did you hear the one about the one goose that walked up to the other and gave it a person?

@ Did you hear the one about the firing squad that formed in a circle?

42

Sleight of Mouth

@ Did you hear the one about the tap dancer who fell in the sink?

@ Did you hear the one about the guy who gave birth to triplets? He's loolung for the other two fathers. @ Did you hear the one about the parachute that opens on impact?

@ Did you hear the one about the heckler with half a brain? He was considered gifted.

@ Did you hear the one about the heckler on the bicycle? He was considered a dope peddler.

@ Did you hear the one about the new type of Russian roulette? You pass six girls around, and one of them has V.D.

@ Did you hear the one about the guy who stole a calendar and got 12 months?

@ Did you hear the one about the guy who was ironing the curtains? He kept falling out the window. @ Did you hear the one about the guy who went to the dentist to have a wisdom tooth put in?

@ Did you hear the one about the magician who called the airline and asked how long it takes to fly to California? "Justarninute sir,"replied the clerk. "Thankyou,"said the magician, and hung up.

Comedy Fillers

43

$ Did you hear the one about an old magician once "Either you're happily married or you're a magician."

@ Did you hear the one about the guy who was drafted into the service? He stayed up all night studying for his urine test. $ Did you hear the one about the guy who rents flash cubes?

$ (No response from audience) I'm out of bed and dressed, what more do you want? $ (After doing something eerie) I do whatever my h c e

Krispies tell me to do. $ (After something crazy)

I know what you're thinking..does he suffer from insanity? No, I enjoy every

minute of it!

@ (Magicword) Metamucil, it won't make you regular, it will make you two years ahead of time! $ (Magic word) (When you want something to get

smaller.) Say the magic word, Preparation H. $ I sure do fool the people. This afternoon in front of the theatre a little girl asked me "Areyou the one who did all the tricks in the theatre?" I said I sure was. Well she said "You sure fooled me all right. I thought you were going to be good."

44

Sleiqht of Mouth

@ I would like to show you a trick with a coin. I don't know one but I would like to. @ I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

8 Progress might have beenalright once,but it's gone on too long.

Comedian Pat Paulson and Harry Allen, backstage

INSULTS for HECKtERS @ He is a legend in his spare time. @ I would ask you out, but I don't date outside my species.

@ You're like a wart, you grow on me.

@ Shouldn't you be at the airport sniffing luggage? @ Do you have a $100bill? You mus t, you certainly don't spend it on clothes.

@ You don't have to fear infection. You can't get any sicker than you already are.

@ (Personwith bad teeth) I see you brushed your tooth. @ (Female) I smacked her mole. I thought it was a bug or something. It had hair on it. Looked like legs.

@ If you were a present, no one would open you. @ Are you a figment of your own imagination? @ I can't make out the cologne, is it fragrance of buffalo? @ Quit being a jerk. This guy doesn't need competition.

@ If screwing up were an art, you would be Picasso.

46

Sleiqht of Mouth

W How long do you have to wear that suit before you win the bet?

@ (Striped suit) That's a nice suit you have on. It looks like graph paper. @ Most people who help me are intelligent. It's a shame you don't fall into that category.

@ I see your suit was made by those two sisters ...Polly

and Esther .

@ Please don't laugh at me, lady. I don't laugh at your jewelry!

@ I'm sorry I don't have microphones for everyone. @ (Funny hair) Are you in the service or did you pay for that haircut?

@ (Funny hair) I didn't realize Ray Charles cut hair.

w (Fat) I bet you could fall down and you wouldn't know it.

@ If you don't have a car, you must have a broom. @ Can you spell dog if I spot you D and G? @ (Fat) I see you have anorexia ponderosa.

@ (Bald) Here's the man who was voted most likely to recede.

Insults for Hecklers

47

@ (Funny hair) That's not a haircut, it's a cry for help. @ (Dressed funny) Are you dressed that way for tax purposes? @ (Someone thinks they know everything) I bet you watch the Learning Channel.

@ You're like a pebble in my shoe. @ (Fat) Learn these words, "I'M FULL."

@ (Fat) I'd llke to show you something you haven't seen in a long time ...your feet.

@ OH! A verbal paper cut. @ You look good, for you. @ (Husband) "I think it's quite obvious that the kids get their intelligence fromme." (Wife) "I can't argue with that. I still have mine." @ (Funny hair) I think your barber has a drinking problem. @ This guy reminds me of the old saying: Diarrhea is hereditary. It runs in your jeans.

@ I heard a lot about you. Now I'd like to hear your side. @ You have lovely hair. I like the way it comes out of your nostrils.

48

Sleight of Mouth

@ Happiness is seeing your picture on a milk carton? @ If I could dry you out, I could fertilize my lawn. @ We must be from two different worlds. Mine has deodorant and mouthwash.

@ Nice clothes! Where did you get them? Nerds R Us?

@ Is that really your face or did your neck throw up? @ Here's someonewho found the secret of youth. He lies about his age.

@ May you live as old as you look. @ What do you have, varicose brains?

@ You're ahead of the game tonight, you're sober. @ Sir, did you sleep through a few things? Like February?

@ I played hookey, and the teacher sent my mother a thank-you note.

@ Here is a man of convictions. Both for drunk driving.

@ Is that your breath, or is the circus in town? @ He's so well liked, he has a sign on his lawn, "For sale by neighbors."

Insults for Hecklers

49

@ You're so ugly that you don't have to worry about anyone peeking through your windows. @ I have one nerve, and you're on it.

@ I get paid for one hour. I don't have time to talk to you. @ I see the medication hasn't worn off yet. @ May you sit on a candle while it's lit.

@ Please save all questions until I leave. @ You have enough mouth for three lips. @ I'm also a ventriloquist. As you can see I work with a dummy.

@ I like this place. Every table has its own M.C.

@ Here is a guy who is vulgar, loud, arrogant and has bad breath. And those are his good points. @ I'll provide the dialogue. @ This guy apparently isn't good at his own job, so he's trying to do mine.

@ (Drunk) Instant Jerk, just add alcohol.

@ Could I have your head for my rock garden?

50

Sleight of Mouth

-

@ (Heckler calls out joke or crack) I just hope you live as old as that joke.

@ Don't feel bad. Lots of people have no talent. @ Don't pick on my jokes, you may be old someday yourself.

@ (Woman) I see Don Rickles did have a mother. @ Sit down and rest your brain. @ You know, if I had your writer, I'd be going places. @ I resent that remark. I don't deny it, I just resent it.

@ I can take a rib, providing there's meat on it. @ (After an insult) I'm so obnoxious, I'm annoying myself.

@ If I were a hypnotist I would choose this gentlemen because he's already asleep. @ The most terrifying thing in the world is ignorance in action.

@ I heard they had a tornado in your neighborhood and it did three million dollars worth of improvements.

@ Sir, if you were a football would you let me kick you?

Insults for Hecklers

51

@ Lady, give me a break. I didn't jump on your bed when

vou were at work.

@ (Bignose) Did you go shopping for noses and couldn't pick a good one? @ (Whensomeone guesses how somethmg is done) Who do you think you are, Einstein?

@ Are you just visiting this planet? @ (Bald) There's one good thing about being bald: it's neat.

@ (Bald) Barbers don't charge him for cutting his hair. They charge him for searching for it. @ (Bald) Here is a guy who went on a diet. The only part of him that thinned out was his hair.

@ Bring your parents around and I'll marry them! @ Who posted bail for you? @ With a face like yours you must have inspired birth control.

@ I don't bother you when you're working. @ (Old) How long have you been on Social Security, your whole life?

52

Sleight of Mouth

@ You Sve good headache. @ Did you ever think of giving your body to science fiction?

@ Hey, you're the guy who heckled me ten years ago. I never forget a suit.

@ Here's the woman who had her 16th child and she's running out of names ...to call her husband.

@ I bet McDonald's is gourmet dining in your neighborhood.

@ I bet when you were a baby, they used to diaper your face.

@ I hear you donated blood. I want to thank you for saving my dog's life.

@ I beg your pardon, sir? You don't mind me calling you "sir",do you? It's just in fun.

@ Why don't you go down to the morgue and tell them you're ready.

@ I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you, I was talking. @ (Drunk) Move closer to the wall. It's alreadyplastered. @ Remind me to come to your parents' wedding.

Insults for Hecklers

53

f9 (To woman) If you were a woman I'd punch you right on the nose.

@ Aren't you supposed to be out front, parking cars?

@ Here's a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

f9 There's a big-hearted guy with a stomach to match. f9 You would complain if your ice cream were cold. @ Did your brains come with instructions?

f9

There are one million unemployed comedians and here's one more.

@ Here's a guy with such a big mouth he can eat a banana sideways.

@ She's a brunette by nature ...but a blonde by Clairol.

f9 Here's a man who is Frank and Earnest with women. In New York he's Frank and in Chicago he's Earnest.

f9 You would look perfect in something long and flowing. Say a river.

@ I'm sorry to announce we have two disappointments tonight. One, the toilet is not working, and two, this gentleman's mouth is.

f9 Why don't you go to a window and lean out too far?

54

Sleight of Mouth

@ He only goes out with girls who know all about the

birds and the bees ...and the pill.

@ He wants to be remembered ...by anybody. @ You'll make money someday. Your ignorance is comical.

@ (Poorlydressed) When you get up in the morning, who dresses you?

@ Last time I saw you, you were in a nightmare. @ If you ever need a friend, buy a dog.

@ You have a ready wit. Let me know when it's ready. @ If you were alive, you'd be a very sick man.

@ There's only one thing that keeps me from breaking you in half: I don't want two of you around.

@ He was at home. But when his mother saw him she went to the hospital.

@ I'd put a curse on you but somebody beat me to it. @ Some people bring happiness wherever they go. You bring happiness whenever you go.

@ There's a pair of shoes with three heels.

Insults for Hecklers

55

@ I'd like to run into you again. Sometime when you're walking and I'm driving. @ If Moses had known you, he would have suggested another commandment.

W Lots of people owe a lot to him: ulcers, nausea, diarrhea... @ You're a good egg, and you know where eggs come from.

@ I enjoy talking to you, my mind needs a rest.

@ He's the type of guy who would open a tall man's shop in Tokyo.

@ I need you like Telly Savalas needed "Head and Shoulders."

@ I've looked high and low for you. I guess I didn't look low enough.

@ Are you naturally stupid, or did a Cuban hijack your brain?

@ This guy gives his wife something to live for, a divorce.

@ Someday you'll go too far; and I hope you stay there.

@ I'm going to name my first ulcer after you.

56

Sleight of Mouth

@ He was born on April 2nd, a day too late.

@ You appear to be talking as if you were in your right mind.

@ You're the kind of person I would like to have over when I have the flu.

@ If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, surely they can make something out of you. @ Don't move. I want to forget you just the way you are. @ He doesn't get ulcers, he gives them.

@ Who gave you a speaking part? @ (Two hecklers) You remind me of a hemorrhoid ...and you look like the spot where you would find it.

@ My position sir, does not allow me to argue with you. But if it ever came to a choice of weapons I would choose wits. @ He is like a man who sits on a stove and then complains his backside is burning.

@ No one can have a higher opinion of lxm than I have. I think he's a jerk.

@ I'm free of all prejudice. I hate all hecklers equally.

Insults for Hecklers

57

@ It smells like you passed your expiration date. @ (After a heckle) I wish it were true, then I could talk to you like an equal.

@ There you go trying to make a j oke. Trying to top your parents?

@ Did your parents like you? @ Are you a science project? @ (Fat) In India you would be considered sacred. @ Do you remember ever falling out of a hearse?

@ What were you before you died? @ If you went to a mind reader he would charge you half price.

@ If you ever have your life to live over, don't. @ How much do you charge to haunt a house? @ I haven't seen you in four years. If it wasn't for that shirt, I wouldn't have recognized you.

@ You must be wearing those clothes to pay off a football bet.

@ You have a wonderful head on your shoulders. Whose is it?

58

Sleight of Mouth

@ Do me a favor. On your way home, don't forget to walk in traffic. @ If 1said anything to insult you, believe me, I've tried my best.

@ Don't you ever get tired of having yourself around? @ You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny. @ Don't get ugly now. You had your chance when you were born.

@ Every man is a damn fool for at least five minutes everyday; wisdom consists not exceeding the limit. @ Just keep on talking, so I'll know what you're not

thinking.

@ If they ever put a price on your head, take it. @ You were given a nose to breathe through, so you could keep your mouth shut. @ Just remember, the mosquito that buzzes the loudest gets swatted first. (Great to say in the beginning of a children's show.)

@ (Female heckler) When you take off your makeup you're a perfect birth control.

@ Tell me everything you know. I've got a minute.

Insults for Hecklers

59

@ How did you get out of the Humane Society? @ How did the dog catcher miss you?

@ I never thought much about birth control until now. @ (Heckler in back row) If you would have paid a little more you could have had a seat down front.

@ Sir, you're like a road map; it tells you everything except how to fold it (and get it out of the way).

@ We have two ears and only one mouth. So, spend twice as much time listening as talking. @ I'd have a battle of wits with you, but I see you're unarmed.

@ If I want any crap out of you I'll squeeze your head. @ Sir, a mind is a terrible thing to waste. @ If your brains were dynamite you couldn't blow your nose.

@ Which proctologist did your face lift? @ That's it. I'm leaving you out of my will.

@ I used to have a donkey with an IQ of 177. Nobody liked that smart ass either.

60

Sleight of Mouth

@ Your mind is like Teflon. Nothing sticks. @ What do you think this is? A T.V. game show? @ Let's play a new game called "Horse." I'll be the head, and you act natural.

@ Good to see you in men's clothing.

@ Have you ever tried sleeping without drugs? @ If sex were a hobby you would be a collector's item.

@ I hope your kids grow up to be pigeon toed. @ How long can a person live without a brain? Well, how old are you?

@ Whatever you're taking, can I have some? @ He's the kind of guy who would pick a lock on a pay toilet.

@ Sir, do you drink to excess? Looks like he'll drink to anything.

@ You're about as interesting as watchng wet paint dry. @ Why don't you clean up the room a little, by leaving?

@ May all your teeth fall out except one, and with that one may you have a toothache.

Insults for Hecklers

61

@ Let's laugh it up. Come on, lady. I laughed at you when you walked in. @ When you go to the movies, do you talk back to the screen?

@ You remind me of Adam eating his own apple. @ Some people are like bagels. Nothing surrounded by dough. @ (Heckler) Let me do the show.

@ You sir, the one with the rash. @ You know if you are too old to have diaper rash, it must be something else.

@ It's rough when you were breast fed by your father.

@ Was that remark drug related? @ Isn't it a shame when cousins marry? @ Who let him out of the intensive care unit?

@ Will someone throw a blanket over h m ? @ Who left his cage open?

@ Is your hair on too tight for your brain?

62

Sleight of Mouth

@ There are a couple of guys waiting outside for you, and I wish I was kidding.

@ Sir, what state are you from? The state of confusion or the state of shock?

@ You are so interesting, you would make a statue yawn.

@ How do you feel about serious groin injuries? @ Your chest would make a good straight edge. @ I see Snow White and Dopey had a son. @ You ever get the feeling the world is a tuxedo and you were a pair of brown shoes? @ (Womenhecklers) Women should be obscene and not heard.

@ That's 0.k. You just lost your sexual attraction. @ (After you insult someone in the front row) Not such good seats anymore, huh?

@ I don't know why you're so mean to me now when you were so friendly in the men's room.

@ His elevator doesn't go to the top floor.

@ He doesn't have both oars in the water.

Insults for Hecklers!

63

-

@ You don't play with a full deck. @ May you jump on your bicycle, and your seat be missing.

@ This gentlemen recently moved from New York to North Carolina and raised the I.Q. of both states. @ The steel strike is over, so you can get some spare parts for your head. @ Which way does the tail of a pig go, clockwise or counter clockwise? I'll see when you leave.

@ You have a kind face...the lund that makes you sick. @ What are you going to be if you grow up?

@ Take a deep breath...and another ...don't forget to take

another ...and don't stop.

@ (After a heckle) "Don't worry, I was like that when I had first beer."

@ I hear you're getting a divorce, who's the lucky woman? @ You'd be pretty if you didn't have that blemish between your ears. Oh! That's your head.

@ Are you wearing cologne or is it Ben Gay?

64

Sleight of Mouth

@ Bet it's an original. Who would want to make another one like it?

@ Must be original...I see why.

@ Nice shirt...some day it will come back in style.

@ Are you on drugs? @ Sir did you come here to get insulted? NO! Where did you go?

@ (For someone who yells - "That trick stinks") I play to my audience.

@ (For someone who yells - "That trick stinks") I tailor my magic to fit my audience. @ (To the front row) T h s will teach you to sit in the front row. What did you think this was, a burlesque show?

@ (Rough audience) Is this a jury or an audience?

@ (Rough audience) Is this an execution? @ (Rough audience) Did you hire me for entertainment or revenge?

@ (Sorneone shouts) If you are looking for your voice you'll find it in my ear. @ I could fool your brains out, but I see someone beat me to it.

Insults for Hecklers

65

@ That's a nice suit. Did you buy it new? @ (Female) Do you know why women live longer than men? Because women aren't married to women. (Tell this at a ladies' meeting if you're tired of living.)

@ (Female) If we have a woman president the country would save money. She would do the same job and get paid less.

@ A clever magician always asks his wife's opinion after he has already made up his mind.

@ (Someone shouts) Silence should be undisturbed unless you can better it.

@ (Someone shouts) An authority on magic is a person who can tell you more about something than you really care to know. @ (Rough school show) This school must have its own coroner. It's easier for kids to grow up if their parents do first.

@ (Hair) Are you having a bad hair life?

@ You either can't hold your liquor or your tranquilizer hasn't taken effect yet. @ (After an insult) Sometimes you're the bird and sometimes you're the windshield.

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-. -

--

@ (After a strong insult) I know what you're

thnking ...whether to hit me here (point to chin)...or here (point to stomach).

@ Life begins when you get one. @ Here is a man who always voices what everybody else is thinking.

@ Here is a man who teaches running to a legless person. @ (Dull person) He refuses to drink coffee in the morning - it keeps him awake all day.

@ HEEL! STAY! SIT! ROLL OVER!

Henny Youngman, Danny Thomas and Harry Allen

BAD N'EIGHBORHOOD @ I've performed in bad neighborhoods where ...they bowl overhand.

@ I've performed in bad neighborhoods where ...I asked the cop how far to the subway, he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it."

@ I've performed in bad neighborhoods where...we celebrate our birthday six months in advance in case we don't make it. I've performed in bad neighborhoods where ...my school newspaper had its own obituary column.

@ I've performed in bad neighborhoods where...I closed the window in my apartment and I hit someone's fingers.

ANIMALS @ I was going to produce a dog instead of a dove but ...It took me two years to teach him how to sit. Now he forgot how to stand.

@ (Dove accidents) Will you quit flying around? You know you are afraid of heights.

@ (Doveaccidents) Whatever you do, don't lookup. He's not house broken.

@ (Dove accidents) Would someone open the door. I think he's looking for the men's room.

@ (Dove accidents) His name is Spot. Now you know why?

@ (Rabbit accidents) This is pellets. You figure out the rest.

@ This is my rabbit. Do you know what his name is? It's "Stew." I was going to name him "Pubic."

@ The next time you call your dove or rabbit a dumb animal, just remember who he's got working to support him. @ (Duck accident) Anyone got any duck tape?

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--

8 I was going to produce a dog instead of a dove but ...I trained my dog to go to the bathroom on the paper. Yesterday he went on it three times ...twice while I was reading it.

@ (Rabbit) I bought him yesterday. I paid $200.00 for bun but he won't cost me anything for food. There was a big sign on the cage that said "DO NOT FEED."

@ (Rabbit) Do you know what you give a sick rabbit? Hare tonic.

@ (Dove accident) I said sit!

8 (Dove)I once had a dove that died from the flu. He flew into a fan.

Harry, Henny and Lucy

SCHOOL @ Old principals never die; they just lose their faculties. @ One of my best friends in college was a champion shot putter. He could put away a shot better than anyone else.

@ There's only one thing that kept me out of college. High School.

@ Education is wonderful - it helps you worry about things all over the world.

@ My high school teacher used to think he liked children.

J O G S DIE @ I just figured I'd throw it in. I should have thrown it out.

@ I grabbed it out of the air. I think it needs all the air it can get.

@ I was told that joke would die and I just wanted to prove it.

@ Will someone kill himself so I won't feel like I'm dying up here alone.

@ We will get out of here twice as fast if you get the jokes. @ A brief moment of silence for my career. @ Are you an audience or an oil painting? @ You don't have to explain what you don't say.

BODY SOUNDS @ (Belches) I'm glad you brought that up. And your last name? @ (Yams) Am I keeping you awake?

@ (Yams) I don't rnind you going to sleep, but you could at least say good night.

@ (Coughs) If you smoke a cigarette that cough will go away.

@ (Coughs)I should stop smoking, but coughing is the only exercise I get.

@ (Belches)That reminds me, I have to pay my gas bill. @ (Burps)Save the big pieces and we'll make soup.

@ (Burps) Gee, I didn't remember eating that.

@ (Burps)Not bad manners. Just good beer. @ (Burps)Whatever you do, don't light a match.

@ (Passes gas) Was that a voice from the rear? @ (Belch) Sorry, it was something I ate...when I was thirteen!

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@ (Belch) That reminds me of the time I drank eight Cokes and burped 7 - UP.

And here's your check for SIX MILLION DOLLARS...Sorry! Just kidding

@ Are there a Mr. and Mrs. Johnstonin the audience? I've got a message from your baby sitter. She wants to know where the fire extinguisher is.

@ A magician was out on the town one night when he lost his thumb tip in a bar. When he woke up the next morning,he couldn't remember which bar he lost it in. All he could remember about the bar was that it had gold commodes. So, the gentlemen went from bar to bar asking the bartender if they had gold commodes. At the last bar when he questioned the bartender about the gold commodes, the bartender turned to one of the guys in the band and said, "Hey Sam,I think1 found the guy that peed in your tuba."

@ This magician bought a dove but couldn't get it to sit on his finger. When he complained to the Magic Shop owner, the Magic Shop owner suggested that he file the dove's beak. "But be careful," warned the Magic Shop owner, "if you file off too much the dove will die." A few days later the Magic Shop owner called the magician to see how the dove was doing. "The dove died when I filed his beak," replied the magician. "I warned you not to file off too much," said the Magic Shop owner. "I don't think that was it," replied the magician. "He was dead when I put hxn in the vise." @ (Fat) I'd like to get back to my original weight...7 pounds, 6 ounces.

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@ Ben Franklin was out flying a kite. His wife stuck her head out the window and noticed his kite was sagging,she yelled, "Ben,you need more tail." Ben said, "That's funny, when I mentioned that to you a half hour ago,you told me to go fly a kite."

@ Two old maids are in bed and this big old grey ghost hovered over them and said, "HocusPocus." One old maid said to the other, "The heck with Hocus."

@ It's time to up your vocabulary. Today's word is intelligence. That's when you walk away from a fight with the neighborhood bully, just far enough to get your brothers baseballbat. Now that Iupped my vocabulary...up yours!

@ A traveling magician's car broke down in the country, so he knocked on the door of this farmer. The farmer said, "You can sleep here tonight, but you'll have to sleep with my son." The magician replied, "I must be in the wrong joke."

@ I was watching this funeral from the street corner and I asked this guy who was standing next to me, "I wonder who died?" He said, "I think it's the guy in the first car."

@ I was really upset with my wife the other day. She showed a couple of my friends some of my baby pictures without any clothes on. I mean, she could have at least worn a robe.

@ (Excusing yourself) Excuse me while I mark my territory.

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M.C.Bits / Stories

@ My relatives all think I'm disgusting, because I don't help my 80 year old grandmother financially. I allow her to eat dog food to stay alive. But the way I look at it is, "Hey, maybe grandma's been around so long because Alpo has been around so long."

@ Do you like my shoes? They're made out of banana skins. They call them slippers. You buy them by the bunch, not by the pair. They just appeeled to me.

@ Before I was a comedian and professional good looking person I had a hard time getting dates. I even dated a half man, half woman from the circus. Did I have a good time? Yes and No.

@ My imitation of a New York cop. (Shoot a blank gun six times fast) HALT!

@ A magician in a convention hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and said, "I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked, it's about as easy to eat as rubber; also grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the freezer so that it is impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, luke warm." "That's a complicated order, sir," said the bewildered headwaiter. "It might be a bit difficult." "Oh?"replied the magician. "But that's exactly what you gave me yesterday."

@ My wife is areal winner. In fact, she confused the book "The Joy of Sex" with "The Joy of Cooking." She can now roast a chicken in 36 sensuous positions.

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@ Four high school boys, afflicted with spring fever, skipped morning classes. After lunch, they reported to the teacher that their car had a flat tire. Much to their relief, she smiled and said; "Well, you missed a test this morning, so take seats apart from one another and get out your notebooks." Still smiling, she waited for them to settle down. The she said, "First question: Which tire was flat?" @ A magician asked h s neighbor if he might borrow a rope. "Sorry,"said the neighbor, "I'm using my rope to tie up my water." "Rope can't tie up water." "Iknow,"replied the neighbor. "But when a man doesn't want to do something, one reason is as good as another."

@ The other day I was doing a children's show, and this child was giving me a real rough time. So I told her mother her child is spoiled rot ten. Her mother told me she always smells that way.

@ It was a dark night and I was performing in this little bar, when it started to pour down rain. There was a leak in the roof. The rain started to drip into everyone's drink, dampening their spirits.

@ I have some good news and some bad news. (Hold a piece of flash paper in your hand like it's a note. The note goes up in flames.) Well there goes the good news. The bad news is my fan club broke up. The guy died.

@ (Comedy force) Would you like to choose a number

please, between 19 and ...21. (She should answer 20) Good, we'll use 20.

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M. C,Bits / Stories

@ A letter written in a child's scrawl came to the post office addressed to GOD. A postal employee not knowing exactly what to do with the letter, opened it and read "Dear GOD, my name is Jimmy. I am six years old. My father is dead and my mother's having a hard time raising me and my sister. Would you please send us 500 dollars?" So all the postal employees kicked in some money and they raised 300 dollars. They sent it signed GOD. When Jimmy received the 300 dollars he wrote GOD another letter saying, "Pleasedon't sendit through the post office, because they keep 200 dollars."

@ My psychologist doesn't listen to me. I walked into his office and he said "Next." I told him I have multiple personalities. So he charged me three times. I told him I am suicidal. He said, "Prove it." @ I was taking the trash out when I noticed the trash truck just pulling away. I asked the man "Am I too late?" He said, "No, hop in." @ I've been happily married for five years. We are celebrating our 12th wedding anniversary next week.

@ How do you sell a deaf man a chicken? (Shout as loud as you can) "Hey do you want to buy a chicken?" Tonight the Cadillac company (localagency)is raffling off a Church.

@ This is a nice place. I like the way it's laid out. I don't know how long it's been dead, but I like the way it's laid out.

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@ (Intermission) It's tea time. It's tirne to go tea tea.

@ It's intermission. Take five, be back in ten, see you in fifteen.

@ And now a brief look into the future. The year is 208 1. The film, "Rocky 102." In t h s classic motion picture, Sylvester Stallone plays an 85 year old Rocky, who attempts to stay in the ring for 1 5 full rounds ...fighting gravity.

@ (Catch 22) Taking a job so you can get hospitalization, to pay for the ulcer, which you wouldn't have gotten, had you not taken the job in the first place.

@ A brief explanation about this next bit. I use to do ethnic hurnor, but almost always someone would stand up and say they are of that ethnic origin. I would promptly tell them that I will repeat the joke again a little slower. Not to get myself in trouble with my audience; I now tell ignoramus jokes. As to date no one has stood up and told me they were insulted. 1- Does anyone know how many ignoramuses it takes to change a lightbulb? Five, four to turn the ladder and one to hold the bulb. 2 How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but it really has to want to change. 3- How many real men does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Real men aren't afraid of the dark. 4- How many of our mothers does it take to change a lightbulb? Never mind, I'll just sit in the dark.

@ Will the lady with the lucky number please come up and take me home with you.

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M. C.Bits / Stories

@ I walked into this hotel where I thought things were expensive. I asked for the most expensive suite. The desk clerk said, "I have one for 1 5 dollars." I thought it was cheap, until he handed me a Hershey Bar.

@ The hotel next door was really cheap. The clerk explained the reason why the rooms were so cheap is you have to make your own bed. I didn't think that was so bad until he gave me a hammer and nails.

@ An Oriental magician went to the eye doctor and was told he had cataracts. He said, "No,I don't. I have a Rinken Continental." @ I would like to introduce a very good friend of mine. I've known him for years. We are very close. (Read his name off a 3 x 5 card as though you've forgotten it.) @ (Read off a 3 x 5 card) To be a good magician,you have to be topical, dress well, and (Turn page) spontaneous.

@ Every town has its own unique features. I saw a sign on the back of a trash truck, "Satisfaction guaranteed, or double your trash back."

@ Now here is an act you seldom see. Some folks would prefer it that way.

@ (Killingtime) (Borrowa $20Bill. Rip it in half and then

in quarters.) I forgot how this trick works ...however ...

@ After this act we will have entertainment.

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@ (In between) I "Got a life" now what?

@ (Inbetween) My parents gave me everything! Now I'm seeing a therapist to get rid of it.

@ (No lights on stage) Maybe we'll wait until the sun comes up. @ (In between) I came from a large family. I had to get married before I could sleep alone.

@ (In between) I joined this civic group so it would give me two more lines in my obituary.

@ (In between) I don't need a big screen T.V. I just put my chair right up to the screen.

@ My karma ran over my dogma! @ This month I'll be fifty one. I finally made up my mind

what I want to be ...twenty one!.

@ (In between) If all the world's a stage, I want more props.

@ A magician wanted an assistant with excellent eyesight. The employment agency sent a 90-year-old lady with 20/20 vision. The magician asked her, "Did you see where I put my cane?" "Yes,"she said. "Thenwhere is it?" The old lady replied "I forgot!" @ (In between) My reality check just bounced.

82

M.C. Bits / Stories

@ (FunnySkit) Have a bucket on the table filled with silks and a banana. Call someone up from the audience (stooge,dumb and simple looking)withan 18"silkhidden up h s sleeve. Your back is towards the stooge the whole time. "As I turn my back1would like you (stooge)to reach into the bucket and pull out the bandana." (The stooge pulls out the banana instead) "Hold it in your left hand and stroke it until it's straight (a lot of laughter). Then show both sides to the whole audience. Now, fold the bandana (banana) in half so the ends are even (more laughter as the banana starts to split). Still holding it nice and high so everyone can see it, make a fist with your right hand. Now push the whole thing deep into your fist. (Roaring laughter as the banana oozes out from between the stooges fist.) Now, does this trick appeal to everyone? If he (stooge)did everything correctly the bandana in his fist will now change into a blue scarf." (The stooge now reaches up his sleeve secretly and pulls the 18"blue silk out from his fist to everyones surprise. This is a very funny routine.

@ Call someone up and have them hold a bottomless glass on the palm of their hand. Do an egg trick (i.e. Egg Bag, Silk to Egg). Break the egg into the glass. Remove the glass from their hand. Watch for the funny expression on their face.

@ Put a bottle of soda to your ear and tilt it over as though you're pouring it into your ear. Straighten your head, blank stare into the audience, and spit soda out your mouth. (Backstage have a mouth full of soda. Put a piece of Saran Wrap around mouth of the bottle.)

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@ Explain you are about to do a famous trick where water keeps pouring out of a vase. (Have someone off stage bring out a Lota Bowl) Turn the vase upside down and tap the bottom. As nothing comes out of the vase,yell backstage "Where's the water?" Have the same person walk out and you ask them again "Where's the water?" They spit water right in your eye. @ Remark something about the time as you look at your watch. Take your watch off and vanish it in a Utility Vanishing Clothby Irv Cook or another method. It will reappear back on your wrist. After the applause ask if they would like to see it 20 more times. (Have 20 cheap watches up your sleeve)

@ (Gagwith Flash Bills) (Borrow a bill and switch it for a Flash Bill) You can always tell a real bill from a counterfeit one. (Light a match and let it burn a few seconds, blow it out and touch the match to the Flash Bill) "If it's a real bill it will burn. Yep! That was a real one." (Lots of laughter, as the person thinks his bill is gone forever. However,you can reproduce it elsewhere.

@ (Whenyou have to kill time) Roll both bottoms of your pant legs up to about your shins. Take off your suit jacket and tie it around your waist. Pick up a four-legged chair, turn it upside down while it's still in your hands. It looks llke you are a Scottish Bagpiper.

@ We both have our job to do. You are to enjoy the show and I'm to entertain. If you get finished before me, stick around.

84

8

M.C.Bits / Stories A small factory had to stop operations when an

essential piece of machinery broke down. No one could get the machine operating. An outside expert was finally called in. The fellow looked over the situation for a moment, then took a hammer and gently tapped the machine at a certain spot. It began running again immediately and continued to run as if nothing had ever been wrong. When the expert submitted his bill for $100.00 dollars, the plant supervisor hit the ceiling and demanded an itemized bill. The bill the man submitted was as follows: For hitting the machine-one dollar; for knowing where to hit-ninety-ninedollars. (The moral: Magic is available to everyone, but to know how to use it ...)

8 Have a paper bag with a glass inside on one side of the room. On the other side of the room is an empty bag containing broken glass. Explain, "A transposition is going to take place. Twith a glass insidehe glass will jump from one bag to another." Drop the bag with glass in it, breaking the glass. Go over to the empty bag and pour out broken glass. (When the bag is dropped it should look as though it is accidental)

@ Put a silk into a change bag. Shoot the change bag three times with a blank gun. (Put your finger in your ear as though the shots just fired hurt your ears) "If you think it was loud you should have been up here." Pull the silk out of the change bag. To your surprise, and hopefully everyone else's the silk has three large holes in it. "You didn't think it was going to work did you?"

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@ During a show,if a magician lowers his voice, he wants something. If he raises it, it's a sign he didn't get it.

@ (Pull up your belt) Say, "Excuse me, but my girdle is slipping. I've been wearing it ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment."

@ This next performer is one we all know, so let's all get up and leave.

@ This next performer has been doing magic since 12. By 12:30 he wants to quit and go home.

@ The trouble with being a leading magician is you can't be sure whether people are following you or chasing you.

@ The government is the only partner in the magic business that is privileged to share the profit without having to share the losses.

@ This is a very loud band. Please don't sit in the first 3 0 0 rows.

@ (Smallaudience) This is a very exclusive club. Did you notice how few people we let in?

@ That was very interesting, not entertaining, but interesting. Did you ever take a honey dew vacation? You know, that's where you stay at home and your wife keeps saying, "Honey do this."

86

M. C,Bits / Stories

@ You ain't seennothing, until you've seen this next act. Then you've seen nothing.

@ The performers feed off your applause, and they like to eat.

@ (Hold the microphone wire) Anyone want to buy some licorice?

@ They say one out of three people is ugly. Sneak a peek to your right and then to your left. Make sure they don't notice. If they look all right, then it's you.

@ (To the piano player) Take a bow, Joe. Frankly, he told me to say that. He wanted a chance to straighten out his shorts.

w This next performer and I are good friends, in fact we go back hours together.

@ This next act gets over a hundred letters a month. I wonder why he doesn't pay h s bills?

@ Once in a lifetime a great magician comes along. And

whle we are waiting, here's ...

@ This next act has made quite a name for himself. It's too bad I can't use it here.

@ (For Speaker) I won't bore you with a long speech, 1'11 leave that to our speaker.

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@ This next gentleman has never been on T.V. However, he has been on radar a few times in New York, New Jersey and Delaware.

@ Now there's an act that's going places, the sooner the better.

@ This act we want to hold over...Boulder Dam or Niagara Falls.

@ In this business you have to have a lot of guts. Especially if you don't have talent.

@ This next guy started by shining shoes and is now a great star. All right, enough about me,

@ (Problem speaking) I'm keeping the .teethand getting rid of the mouth.

@ (Ending) Here is some philosophy that has kept me going. (Pause)Well I guess I'm going.

@ And now introducing without further a-doo-wak-adoo-wak-a-doo.

@ (Intro for a ventriloquist) He began carving out his career at the age of ten.

@ (Intro for a singer) She once sang in church, and one hundred people changed their religion. @ (Intermission) We're going to take a break. Do it if you have to.

88

M, C.Bits / Stories

@ Do you know how the dictionary got started? One night Mr. and Mrs. Webs ter got into an argument and one word led to another.

@ I would like to introduce a manwho is no stranger...no stranger than anyone else in this place.

@ This next act is so bad, the people in the back keep hollering, "Up in front."

@ When you go to the restaurant in this town, always ask for a table near a waiter.

@ Two bunnies were watching a magician pull a baby rabbit out of a hat. One rabbit said to the other, "I don't know what you think but I prefer the old way much better." (q This town has great banks. One has a sign "Dealwith

a bank you can trust ...trust is everything." You walk inside the bank, all the pens are chained down and armed guards everywhere.

@ The doctor said, "You're going to live to be sixty." I said, "I am sixty." The doctor said, "What did I tell you?" @ A magician brags about his new hearing aid: "It's the most expensive one I've ever had; it cost $2500." His friend asks, "What kind is it?" He says, "Half past four!"

@ A doctor asks h s female patient, "Do you know what the most effective birth control pill is?" She replies, "No." He said, "That's it!"

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@ In case anyone gets hurt we have insurance. My fault insurance.

@ Bartender,please get me a drink of vodka and milk of magnesia. Better known as a Phillips Screwdriver.

@ My wife ran away with my best friend, and let me tell you, I miss him.

@ I've been married for fifty years and I'm still in love with the same woman. (Applause, etc.) If my wife ever finds out she'll kill me.

@ Some people ask the secret of being a magician and a long marriage. I tell them how we take time to go to a restaurant two times a week, a little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

@ I've got a great doctor. He gave me six months to live. I couldn't pay my bill so he gave me another six months.

@ I said to my doctor, "My foot hurts, what should I do for it?" He said, "Limp."

@ I went to the doctor for a physical. He told me I had six months to live. I asked him what I should do. He suggested I go to South Georgia, buy a pig farm, and marry a widow with ten children. I wanted to know if that would help me live longer. The doctor told me absolutely not, but it will sure feel like it.

@ I'd rather work in New York than California. I get paid three hours earlier.

90

M.C. Bits / Stories

@ There are 15 0 people here tonight, 7 5 of which would never be in the same room if you knew something about each other.

@ Ladies and gentlemen, I'm not going to bore you with lousy magic today, but I present you a man who will.

@ It's 0.k. to smoke in the auditorium, just don't exhale. @ Please, no pornographic photography during the show.

@ I don't wear glasses when1 drive. I have a prescription windshield.

@ Kids pick their nose and think it's candy. But it's snot. @ My father is a dentist. That's why I have sugarless gums.

@ (Spring cards from one hand to another) Some magicians practice this for years. (Dropthem)I'm not one of them.

@ I worked a resort where business was so slow, the owner stole the towels back from the guests.

@ My assistant keeps getting headaches. I keep telling her, "When you get out of the Trunk it's feet first."

@ (Intermission) If you need to check out the plumbing do it now.

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@ The program chairman asked me my fee for performing. I said, "$150.00, but to appear before some groups I would pay up to two hundred."

@ When I was a young magician my mother would always tell me not to get my feet wet in the rain because I would catch cold. Yet I got them wet in the shower every day and never caught cold.

@ Magicians are not rich people and we don't live in large mansions. For instance, I took my new girlfriend to my apartment. As soon as she came in she started screaming, "Help! Help! I'm being attacked!" I said, "What's wrong? I'm not doing anything." She said, "Then why did you force me into the closet?" I said, "What closet? This is the living room!"

8 (Follow up) They can't paint my apartment because the walls would stick together.

@ With a thumbtip produce a red silk. Put it back inside to vanish it. Invisibly throw it to a lady and have her put the invisible silk into her waist band. After sorne comedy byplay have her throw 'it' back to you. Then with another thumbtip produce a pair of woman's panties. @ The correct time is 2:28 (substitute for present time as you pick up a watch off your table). If you didn't enjoy the show, at least you can go home and tell your neighbors you knew exactly where you were at 2:28.

@ Our next entertainer needs no introduction, he needs an ACT.

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M,

C.Bits / Stories

@ This next performer did his first show at eight. It could have been a quarter past eight, I'm not sure.

@ Christmas Show (Giant candy cane in an invisible dog leash) What's his name? Candy. Where did you find him? Hanging around the Christmas tree. That's where he gets his bark. @ There are rules for this show. Rule number one: Magicians are always right. Rule number two: When a magician is wrong, refer to rule number one.

@ (Bad Weather) Don't knock the weather. Without it, nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation.

@ Magicians don't smoke, don't drink. They go to bed early and eat plain foods. We may not live any longer, but it will sure seem llke it.

@ This is a tough way to make an easy living. @ I just had gold soup. It's made with 24 carrots.

ROPE TRICKS @ Here's a little something I invented whde strangling my wife.

@ They say if you give a magician enough rope ...he'll do a rope trick. (Hand out scissors for cut & restored) Do you know the difference between rope and fingers? You see the fingers are the pink stuff, and the white stuff is the rope.

@ How's your eyesight?

@ Are you a surgeon? Say to the piano player as you begin a rope trick, "Please play a little knot music." (He plays a tune poorly) "That certainly is not music."

@ This is not anordinaryknot! It's a special knot, believe it or not.

ERRORS @ (Verbal) My words fail me, like my English teacher.

@ (Verbal) Sorry, I just had a vowel movement. @ (Verbal) I have to be back at the hospital. I only have a three day pass.

@ (Forgetful) I'm so forgetful. I go to the rest room and forget why I'm there.

@ (Forgetful) Amnesia isn't too bad. You can hide your own Easter eggs.

@ (Drop something- near audience) Thought you were getting a souvenir, huh? @ (Drop something) I hate that. It means I have to work.

@ Do you know what this is? A magician screwing up. @ This trick is like a well oiled machine. It came with instructions that read, "Do not oil."

@ That's what happens when you win a raffle. @ You never know what you're getting in a rummage sale.

@ My limitations have no bounds.

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@ (Throw salt over your shoulder) That's to give me enough luck to finish the trick.

@ It would have been one hell of a trick if it worked. Ladies and gentlemen, you just saw history being made. It's the first mistake I've made since being born.

@ I wish I were out there with you.

@ It's my nerves, and the war. I was almost drafted. @ I may retire soon, because I'm getting disillusioned. @ This is an all time low.

@ Everyone makes a mistake once in a while. That's why some of you are here.

@ Just relax, this type of trick has a natural build to it.

@ A little hocus pocus, and I hope it was out of focus. @ This is not good for my resume. @ Always when you want to be a hit. @ Magic, Magic. It's in my blood. I sure wish it was in my act.

@ Have you ever done magic before? No. What a coincidence.

96

Errors

@ I'm in a new line of work. I used to be a magician.

@ I pick a time like this to go off drugs. @ I'm standing here beside myself. @ This is the first time it didn't work again.

@ Is there a doctor in the house? I think my act is dying. @ You only live once and if you do it right the first time then once is enough.

@ If you're not paying attention, then that's good. @ I thought I had all modern props. They weren't supposed to fail except during rehearsals.

@ My friends used to laugh when I did magic. But, I did something about it. I got new friends.

@ (Verbal) I just swallowed a word. @ (Spectator) Must be a government worker. I can tell because you messed up so naturally.

@ (Spectator) Let me give you advice. Keep your dayjob.

@ (Spectator) If you jumped into the air, do you think you could manage to land on your feet? @ (Dull spectator) Stay with me. I want to be alone.

Sleight of Mouth

97

@ (Spectator) Why are you moving around so much? Do you have somethmg on backwards? @ (Spectator) Here's the guy who invented Preparation A through G. You shouldn't have given up.

@ (Spectator) Out of all the people I've ever met, you are certainly one of them. @ (Female spectator) Do ths: Shake her hand and then kiss the back of your hand.

@ (When someone answers a question correctly) Boy! You're just a fire of knowledge.

@ Did you know Captain Hook died of jock itch? @ (Spectator gives wrong answer and you help them) O.K! So you needed a hint!

@ The mind is a wonderful thing. It starts working the minute you're born and never stops, until you get up to help a magician.

@ What's your name? That's my dog's name. Are you house broken too? @ You have a striking face. How many times were you struck there?

@ (Drop something) Did you see that sudden burst of gravity?

98

Errors

@ Until you came along, I thought a corpse couldn't stand up.

@ (Same person up twice) You're like a bad meal. You keep coming up.

@ (Spectator answers back) What is this? An attitude. @ You can believe half of what I tell you. But do you know which half?

@ Did you know someone gets molested every 60 seconds? Got a minute? @ (Spectator won't come when called) Lady, you better move before they throw dirt over you.

@ (Good looking spectator) You remind me of my last assistant. Not much upstairs, but a terrific stairway.

@ Talking is fun once you get the hang of it. @ Don't laugh folks. That's the way it's written.

@ My tongue fell asleep.

@ (Drop something) You can see my act is picking up. @ In general, there are two kinds of magicians who make mistakes: those who won't admit them and those who call them experience.

Sleight of Mouth

99

@ (Messup) If it weren't for bad luck, I wouldn't have any at all.

@ (Mess up) Did you ever see a magician in trouble?

@ (Messup) Ohno! The drugs are starting to take effect. @ (Mess up) I am what Orson Welles is to tap dancing. If you believe that you will believe there will be a Truman

Capote Jr.

@ (Drop something) It looks like I've been drinking all day, but it's the first drop I had all day.

@ (Drop something) It is my first day with my new hands.

@ (Drop something) I see my career flashing in front of my eyes.

@ (Drop something) To err is human; to blame it on someone else is even rnore human.

@ Monday is a hard way to spend one seventh of your

life .

@ Any mascian who is well adjusted these days just isn't paying attention.

@ Life is a teacher that keeps giving you new problems before you've solved the old ones.

100

Errors

@ A magician may fail many times, but he won't be a failure until he gives up.

@ Frustration is doing a show and having something go wrong and not having anyone to blame but yourself.

@ It's so hard when you're coming off drugs. @ The trouble with some magicians today is that they are educated beyond their intelligence.

@ When a magician says he has a clear conscience, it often means he has a bad memory.

@ If your memory begins to go, you might as well forget it.

@ This is just a test to see how the equipment is working. @ You canusually tell when you're on the right track. It's usually uphill.

@ I'm thankful for problems. If magic were less difficult, someone with less ability might have my job.

@ About the meanest thing you can say to a magician is that he means well.

@ If at first you don't succeed, you'll get a lot of advice. @ I don't consider myself a failure. It jus t happened that I started at the bottom. And I happen to like it here.

Sleight of Mouth

101

@ I just spent five years in jail for trying to break into show business. What do you mean you can tell!

@ The greatest magician was once a beginner. @ (Verbal) I talk with a limp and walk with a lisp. @ (Verbal) I have my grandfather's dentures. In.

@ (Verbal) I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth. And sometimes I talk like it's still there. @ (Verbal) I talk with a pronounced limp, L-I-M-P, pronounced limp.

@ (Whensomeone does something crazy) Has the whole world gone mad, or is t h s the post office?

@ (When you forget) They say that elephants never forget...but what do they have to remember?

@ (Someone has a hard time seeing) Can you see me or should I speak louder?

@ (Confused) I know something you don't know ...I forget what's next.

@ (Confused) I don't know what to do next ...I never got this far before.

@ (Spectator error) You're the weal link in this chain.

102

Errors

@ (Can't find sometlung) Forgive me, I'm blind in one eye and have glaucoma in the other. @ (Whenyou get tongue tied) (Speak even crazier like a foreign language) I forgot you don't speak Latin.

@ Obviously I've made a serious vocational error.

8 (Weird answer) I see you're in touch with your inner monkey.

@ Who said nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.

@ That was a trick Houdini gave me. He was glad to get rid of it.

@ It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for magic but I couldn't give it up - because by that time I was too famous.

@ I may not be the greatest magician - but my courage demands respect.

INTRODUCING YOUR NEXT TRICK @ I bought this at a two-for-one sale. You buy one, and they sell you the other.

@ I had a request. Despite that, I'll still show you this trick.

@ The world's greatest magician invented this next effect. When I first came up with the idea I was very Young.

@ Here's a trick taught to me by a Doctor friend of mine. He wanted to be a brain surgeon. However, he wasn't tall enough. Here's something that kept me off T.V. for years.

@ It took me 30 years to master this next trick which is a real mystery cause I'm only 28.

@ I will do something now that you don't usually see in a cheap show like this.

@ This next trick is done in front of a live audience. You'll do until they get here.

@ This next trick is hard to do when you're coming off drugs.

@ This trick can be done by any ten year old with fifteen years of practice.

104

Sleight of Mouth

@ This next trick is so darn good, I'm going to watch it myself. @ This next trick is like psycho ceramics. It's for crackpots.

@ I've done this is front of four presidents. I just came back from Mount Rushmore. I don't know if they liked it. They were stoned.

@ This next trick will help you start your own religion. @ This next trick encourages sex. Sir,good to see you are paying attention.

@ After this next trick many people have been heard to exclaim, "So what?"

@ T h s next bit is an Oriental version. For the gentleman who is standing in the back, I said version.

@ This trick made Robert Young, Helen Reddy and Bud Weiser. @ T h s next trick I'm going to attempt to do without a net. Did you hear me? Without a net? Annette couldn't be here tonight. I'm doing this next trick for the lady on the front row with the rented dress. I know it's rented, because no one would ever buy such a thing.

Introducing your next trick

105

@ This next trick has all the thrills and excitement of a hand full of dried cat food.

@ This next trick is not very funny, but difficult as hell. @ This next trick they don't make.any longer. (Hold up prop) It's long enough.

@ My next trick will not stop the show, but it will sure slow it down a bit.

@ There are many great feats of magic in the world today. Unfortunately, my next trick is not one of them.

@ This is my encore number, but due to lack of interest I have never been able to work it in.

@ T h s next trick tooka lot of drugs, alcohol and practice to get down perfectly. O.K! Not really the practice.

@ This next trick usually gets a standing ovation. I always play the Star Spangled Banner when I'm through.

@ This next trick is called "Varnish,"because it has a nice finish. @ This next trick reminds me of a dream. I dreamed I was on a desert island with Raquel Welch. The only problem, I was a palm tree.

@ This trick was handed down from generation to generation...nobody wanted it!

106

Sleight of Mouth

@ To practice the next move, I stood in front of a mirror ...and that took plenty of guts!

@ Today I'm not going to bore you with an old trick. I'm going to bore you with a new one.

@ Now here is a miracle. If it works, it's a miracle.

@ I hate this next trick but I do it so well.

Harry with Pat Morita

ASSISTANTS @ (Loud clothing) Isn't it amazing what you can do with a shower curtain? @ (Loudclothung) I didn't know "Fruitof the Loom" made shirts and pants.

@ (Loud clothing) I would love to meet your tailor. He must have a wonderful sense of humor.

@ (When a spectator writes something) I got an application from a secretary. "As you can see, I can't type very fast." @ (Pretty person) The bellhops were anxious to check himher out. @ (Lawyers) It's strange that men should take up crime when there are so many legal ways to be dishonest. @ (Juggler)I have to go home now and juggle the books.

@ (Bald) Here is a gentleman who wishes for a little hair. (Produce a rabbit and hand it to the guy.)

@ Do you know why you can1t use this finger? (Hold up index finger) Because it's mine! @ Last night I met a girl from Buffalo. Can't I ever meet a girl from normal parents?

108

Sleight of Mouth

@ (Big person) He has a sunken bathtub in his apartment, it wasn't there when he moved in.

@ (Big person) He was built when meat was cheap. @ (Child that creates a problem) Now I know why tigers eat their young.

@ (Someone with a beard - usually male) Anyone who covers up his face, you don't know what else he'll cover UP.

@ (Big person) He's so big two girls can make love to him at the same time and never meet. (When you tell someone "No" and they don't understand) What part of "No" didn't you understand?

@ (Before someone responds) Choose your words with taste, you may have to eat them.

@ What do you do for a living? Oh! My grandfather was

an artist ...my father was an artist ...and I'm not working either!

@ (Bald) He's not bald, just follically impaired. @ (Hand money to a spectator) Put this under your pillow and tomorrow you'll have a tooth.

@ (Female)Do you have a boy friend? (If yes) Would you like another one? (If no) Would you like one?

Assistants

109

@ You are the best (day of the week) night assistant I have had ...this week!

@ May I call you madam, even though I don't know what you do? @ (Whenyou ask their name and they only give you their first) Think hard, it usually comes in two parts.

@ Do you have any children? No. Where do you get your aggravation?

@ (Child) What are you going to be when you grow up, a man or a woman? @ (Child)What do you like better, candy or your mother? @ (Someone brings you somethmg) How long ago did you quit Domino's?

@ (Dull) I see the fizz went out of your bubbles a long time ago.

@ Are your hands clean? Is your heart pure? @ He's so big he can sit on the Golden Gate Bridge and dangle b s feet in the water. I'm not saying my last assistant was fat but ...he was born on May 8th - 9th - and 10th.

8

@ (Small person) Please stand up ...oh! you are.

110

Sleight of Mouth

@ I'm not saying my last assistant was fat but ...on Halloween he puts a sheet on and goes out as Alaska.

@ I'm not saying my last assistant was fat but ...Arntrak wants to buy his zipper.

@ I'm not saying my last assistant was fat but ...he can only play seek.

@ I'm not saying my last assistant was fat but ...goes to group therapy alone.

@ I'm not saying my last assistant was fat but ...when he sits around the house he sits around the house.

@ I'm not saying my last assistant was fat but ...he has stretch marks in his bathtub.

@ (Small person) Do you get short of breath? @ (Smallperson) When you feel crazy who do you see...a shrmk?

@ (Small person) Are you standing in a hole? @ (Small person) Do you have a short memory?

@ (Small person) I bet you never get in big trouble. @ My last assistant was so ugly ...we use to call her sugar - because of her lumpy face.

Assistants

11 1

@ (Small person) Have you tried eating yeast? @ (Small person) Do you have time for some small talk? @ (Smallperson) I feel sorry for you. Because you're the last one to know when it rains.

@ (Small person) I used to sell stale doughnuts to midgets to use as toilet seats.

@ (As assistant is walking up) Just move the feet; the body will follow.

@ (As assistant is walking up) Hurry up, fanny, you're a little behind. @ (Dirty shirt) You're very talented; you can wear it and eat at the same time.

@ (Can't stand still) Why are you moving? They haven't thrown anything yet.

@ (Can't stand still) What do you have, crabs? @ (Bad breath) Did you swallow your socks? @ (Bad breath) If I had breath like yours I'd commit suicide.

@ What have you been drinking?

@ (Fat) That's a cute dimple on your knee. Oh! It's your belly button.

112

Sleight of Mouth

@ My last assistant was so ugly ...if you look in the

dictionary under & you'll find a picture of her.

@ My last assistant was so ugly ...her parents used to kiss her through a straw.

@ What kind of perfume are you wearing? It smells like the stuff that sells for 94 cents a gallon. Is it leaded or unleaded?

@ How old are you? Is that celsius or fahrenheit? @ Is it really you? Or are you a personal representative? @ (Greasy hair) What did you do with the sardines? @ (They mess up) Get with the program! That's not the way it was written. There are an awful lot of replacements out there.

@ I need someone to help me who is strong, aggressive, intelligent and ambitious. Does anyone do impressions? @ (Unusual hair) What is that in your hair, Raid or Endust?

@ How old are you? Is that shirt the same age? @ Do you have two hands? Good! Come up and help me. @ (When they pick at something) Don't pick it, it will never go away.

Assistants

113

@ (When they don't understand) Is English at least a second language?

@ (Calling someone up) Hurry up, it's not like you're going to work (or for a child, "It's not like you're going to school.")

@ (Small person) Have you thought of being a prize in a Cracker Jack box?

@ (Smallperson) How do you like going through life and never seeing a parade?

@ (Callingsomeone up to help) Sir,yes you, the one who just put gum under his chair. Would you please come up and help me after you wash your hands?

@ (Personwith glasses) I love using people with glasses. I breathe on the lenses so they can't see what I'm doing.

a (Dull person)

What are you, a talent scout for a

cemetery?

@ (They drop something) You have the Midas Touch. Everything you touch turns into a muffler. @ (Dressed sloppy) Look who I called up: a one man slum. (Can't stand still) What do you have, gas?

@ (When they take a long time to do something) Please finish in my lifetime.

114

Sleight of Mouth

@ (Can't stand still) He is a perfect example of what happens if you overdose on Geritol. @ (Fat) When you go to the zoo, do the elephants throw you peanuts?

@ (Have someone put their index finger on their temple) Ask them the abbreviation for "mountain" (Answer: m t...pronounced "empty").

@ (Mess up by assistant) I would love to see you with a jigsaw puzzle.

@ (When asked "How's that done?") Promise not to tell? I did too!

@ (How's that done?) Is that a trick question? @ (How's that done?) Most of us can keep a secret. It's the people we tell it to who can't.

@ (How's that done?) Very well.

@ (How's that done?) Very carefully. @ (Do that again!) If you didn't get it the first time, you won't get it the second time either.

@ (Callingmale up onto stage) The gentleman who looks

like Clint Eastwood ...dirty and hairy.

@ (Drops something) Do you have a hole in your hand?

Assistants

115

@ (Bald) Sir, did your razor slip? @ (Bald) This man spends most of his time in barber shop remeniscing.

@ (Bald) Do they call you horse shoe head? @ (Bald) Would you mind turning a bit, the glare is in my eyes. @ (Bald) People who are baldin the front are the thinkers of the world. The people who are bald in the back are the lovers of the world. And the people who are bald all over are the ones who think they're lovers.

@ (Bald) Look at the bright side. You have less hair to comb and more face to wash. @ (Bald) I see you combed your hair. It's too bad you left it at home.

@ (Calling up onto stage) Welcome to my space. @ (Calling female up onto stage) Ms. woman, will you help me? @ (With nickname) What's your name? Buddy? Rocky? Do you have a nickname?

@ (Question) Do you have those little white things in your head that bite? No? Don't you have teeth?

116

Sleight of Mouth

@ (Female) She's a girl who's been well-reared. She looks well-fronted too.

@ (Whispering to you) Oh! You should have thought of that before you came up here.

@ (Whispering to you) It's a shame this isn't a dance routine. Take short steps, it helps.

@ (Scratches himself) They have medicine for that. @ (Low cut dress) I hope you don't get the hiccups when you're wearing that dress.

@ (No answer) Just speak and the words will come out. @ (Does something great) I bet you can heal people. @ (Actsnervous) Did you ever think about decaf coffee? @ (Doesn't understand a joke) I would explain it to you, but it has too many syllables.

@ (After a loud noise) Is it my imagination, or do you need this? (Hand assistant a roll of toilet tissue).

@ (Talkingwith gum,in mouth) Sorry I can't understand you, I don't speak gum. @ (Standing on microphone wire) (Cough) Please don't stand on that again, it could be hazardous to my health.

Assistants

117

@ Hold out your left appendage. You'll be surprised what some people hand me.

@ (Messup by assistant) Whatever you are on, let me in on the source.

@ Magician: Where are you from? Assistant: New York. Magician: A foreigner.

@ Magician: Where are you from? Assistant: New York. Magician: I'm sorry? Assistant: New York. Magician: I heard you the first time, I'm just sorry.

@ Magician: Where are you from? Spectator: New York. Magician: Why?

@ Magician: How old are you? Kid: Ten. Magician: That's how old I was when I was ten.

@ (Whenassistant trips) You obviously don't walk often. @ (Can't talk) Could you just form a sentence? @ Question: Do you have intelligence, good look and strength? Good, I need someone who lies.

@ (Funnylooking shirt) How do you expect me to get any laughs with you wearing that shirt?

@ (Dressed odd) Try wearing your underwear on the inside.

118

Sleight of Mouth

@ (Many on stage) Line up in alphabetical order and by height.

@ (Walking up slowly) Let's hurry up the show. I have to get the tux back by ten. (Walking up slowly) Hurry up here before cobwebs start to appear.

@ (Walking up slowly) You move as slow as a postal worker on valium.

@ (Big person) How many people are in there?

@ (Muscular man) What has he got that I didn't have thirty years ago.

@ (Muscular man) I thought the Incredible Hulk was green.

@ (Talking too much) I bet you'll talk my ear off if I let you.

@ (Loud tie) That's some tie! I heard the salesman didn't have change for a dollar and you had to buy all ten of them.

@ (Loud shirt) Would you speak a little louder, I can't hear you over that shirt.

@ (Female) Do you have two little ones? And how about children?

Assistants

119

@ (Clothesthat don't fit) Nice shirt. Does it come in your size?

@ (After insult) We're not laughing at you. We're laughing near you.

@ (End of trick with pretty assistant) Give me a kiss on the cheek. Right as she begins to kiss, turn your head so your lips meet. Choose this assistant carefully.

@ (Prettywoman) You look like my third wife. I've been married twice.

@ (Pretty) Hi, I'm new in town. Could you show me the way to your home? (g (Pretty) You look tired. Go to my room and lie down.

@ (Pretty) Your money or your body. This is a pick - up. @ (Can't hear) Am I talking on a frequency you can't comprehend?

@ (Red hair) What happened? Did your hair rust? @ (Freckles) Do you have the measles?

@ (Kids) These are old people with energy. @ (Fat) Did you hear about the new diet for magicians? It's a piece of cake.

120

Sleight of Mouth

@ (Funny sound) I sure hope that was your stomach growling.

@ (Dressed poorly) Looks like you have more time than money.

@ (No response) Are you the person I'm talking to? @ (Slow assistant) Blink if you're still alive.

@ (Slow assistant) What year did you pass away? @ (Slow assistant) Little slow there. You work for the government?

@ (Someone grabs your props) If you want to do magic get your own tricks.

@ (Calling someone up on stage) It took me five years to get here and it only took you five seconds. @ What is your name? That is 100 percent correct, come on up and help me.

@ Please stand a little closer to the floor.

@ That's a different shirt. Did you win it at a raffle? @ Stand still; you are making me sea sick. @ That's a nice jacket. I see the guy couldn't guess your weight.

Assistants

121

@ You may have this as a souvenir. Keep it. Some day it will be worthless.

@ How old are you? (wait for an answer) Let's see. (looking at audience) That is 153 to you and me.

@ What's your name? Is that your real name?

@ What's your name? Mary. I'm Harry. And your name? George. I'm still Harry. @ Do you like tea? Yes. Which hand do you stir the tea with, the right or left hand? (wait for answer) That is funny, most use a spoon.

@ What's your name? No, not your last disease.

@ What's your name? (If it is unusual) Could you say it in English?

@ (Blank look) Read my lips.

@ (Blank look) (Lift up the hair over their ears) Can you hear me under that grass?

@ (When they nod and don't speak) Talk to me. I get lonely up here.

@ (Holding something) Raise it a little lower.

@ (Holding something) Can you feel it? Good to see you're feeling well.

122

Sleight of Mouth

@ My last assistant was so old ...I told her to act her age, so she died. @ My last assistant was so old ...she had an autographed copy of the Bible.

@ My last assistant was so old...she was a waitress at the Last Supper.

@ My last assistant was so old ...she is older than Sanskrit.

@ (Fat) You have a nice chin, and that goes double for you.

@ (Fat) You would make a great violinist. But, how would you know which chin to put it under?

@ (Fat) You have more chins than the Chinese phone book.

@ (Fat) Don't worry about a little fat around the middle. Better there than between your ears. @ (Fat) Is it true that when you get your shoes s h e d , you have to take the guy's word for it?

@ (Fat) Those who eat too much sweets take up two seats.

@ (Fat) Probably nothing arouses more false hope than the first four hours of a diet.

Assistants

123

@ (Large bosom) I guess if you never fall flat on your face, you'll bounce right back.

@ (Large bosom) I was in this night club and I thought I saw Dolly Parton. It was just two bald headed men sitting together.

@ (Large bosom) Did you hear Dolly Parton has black eyes? Yea! She was jump roping without a bra.

@ (Large bosom) She'll never drown.

@ (Pregnant) I see you have the Egyptian Flu. You are going to be a mummy.

@ (Vague) Could you be a little more vague? @ (Coming towards stage) Hurry along. This is not a Geritol commercial.

@ (Ask her name) That was my name when I was a little girl.

@ (Ask her name) This is my future ex - wife. @ (Ask her name) That's a girl's name. @ Sir, would you stand up? Yes, you in the marijuana section.

@ What is this? Group therapy?

124

Sleight of Mouth

@ (Chlld) Did you know that if you kiss your elbow you wdl turn into a member of the opposite sex?

@ (Twoassistants on stage) (Point to one then the other) The difference between man and beast is financial worries.

@ (Coming to stage the long way) The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

@ (Tall) When you go to the movie theatre and you don't want someone tall sitting in front of you, pour soda on the seat before anyone arrives.

@ (Woman libber) Ms. Cooperman went to court to change her name to Cooperperson. @ (Ugly) Here is someone who looks alternatively different.

@ (Hand prop to spectator) Boil this in cold water! @ (Old) She built the pyramids.

@ (Someonewalking up to help you) Hurry up! I'm late for my appointment with destiny.

@ (Whenthey whisper in your ear) (Scream) 1. "You did what? 2. "Kiss your what?"

@ In ten years you'll be telling this to your therapist.

LATECOMERS @ (To a couple) Why are you late? Or is that a leading question?

@ (Obviously coming in from bathroom) Could you hear us out there? Because we could hear you in here! Feeling better? Now you can relax and enjoy yourself? @ (Person leaving) 1. There goes the only person with taste. 2. Do you know where it is? Try not to be long.

@ (When you're late) This is the earliest I've ever been late.

@ (People leaving) If you're going to the rest room mention my name and you'll get a good seat.

eg (People leaving) Yes, we are going to talk about you as soon as you leave.

@ (People leaving) That's 0.k. He'll be back. There's no reading material in there.

@ (People leaving) Better take a dime with you.

@ Can I get you anything? Like a watch? @ Before you arrived we were all naked. I guess you owe US

one.

126

Sleight of Mouth

@ (Walking in front) I'm glad you found a short cut.

@ (Wallung in front) Don't mind him. It's just a stage he's going through. @ (Someone with a video camera) Do you think he'll be able to walk without it someday?

@ (People leaving) I didn't walk away when you showed up!

@ Hurry up and sit down and no one will notice you're late.

@ I'd hate to be your date. @ Some people are like blisters ...they don't show up until the work is finished.

@ (Obviously coming from restroom) What took you so long? You didn't write on the walls, did you?

TRICKS o f t h e TRADE @ (Holding a prop) I bought this for seven dollars and not much sense.

@ (Blank gun) Attention security! We found your lost revolver.

@ (Blank gun) The only thing I shoot well is pool, craps and the bull.

@ (Lota Bowl) You should see my water bill at the end of the month.

@ (Needle thru arm) I'll put a little hole here and let the sap run out. @ (Mindreading) When your palm itches it means you're going to get something. When your head itches it means you've got it.

@ (Misers Dream) This is as satisfying as an income tax refund.

@ (Mindreading) Now concentrate! Like orange juice. @ (Mindreading) I know what's going through your mind. I used to have one myself. @ (Ring) I see you eat Cracker Jacks.

128

Sleight of Mouth

@ (Wands) Stick a wand in a hat or prop and say, "Looks like I'm two quarts low."

@ (Showing prop empty) Look, it's as empty as my wallet .

@ (Holding a prop) This is early American, but it looks like late Depression.

@ (Mouth coil) The hard part is putting it back in.

@ (Coinmagic) What a shiny coin. No reflection on you. @ (Fire magic) I read about the dangers of fire magic, so I gave up reading.

@ (Suspension) This is known as the Law of Gravity.

They laughed at Galileo when he said that ...wait a moment, Newton said that ...no wonder they laughed at Galileo!

@ (Wave your hand over a prop) I do all my own choreography.

@ (Linking Rings) Is this ring solid steel? (After the answer) Good, you got the right one!

@ (Blank gun) Some people think gun control is holding it with both hands.

@ (Ring)

Is it real? It must be. They don't make rhinestones that small.

Tricks of the Trade

129

@ (Ring trick) Nice ring. It would pass for real gold. @ (Dice trick) Two are dice. One is a dow, because you should never say die.

@ (When it looks like you got hurt) Do you know what that is? Pain, shooting through my body.

@ (Finger ring) (Borrow a ring, look it over) Is your initial K? No? Oh! It says K Mart on the inside of the ring.

@ (Finger ring) Look at this ring. It even has room for a real stone.

@ (Finger ring) You must have gotten this ring at a famous French store. It's engraved on the ring, J. C. Penne' (Penny)

@ (Hot Book) This is a Ford Pinto owner's manual. @ (Hot Book) This is Richard Pryor's bartender's guide. @ (Hot Book) Hot tips by Michael Jackson.

@ (Balloon gag) I use to blow up blimps for Goodyear. @ (Balloon gag) Do my balloons break often? No, only once.

@ (Balloon gag) (While blowing up a balloon) The last time I did this was for a state trooper.

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@ (Balloon animals) I took my dog and twisted him into a balloon.

@ (Comedy production) Produce a bar of Dove soap instead of a live dove.

@ (Escapes) I went over Niagra Falls in a milk can, and I almost drowned. Next time I'll use an empty can.

@ (Escapes) You want to know how I get out of these cuffs? I eat strawberries before the show and I break out.

@ (Eggtricks) Is there anyone in the audiencewho would lend me an egg? That's a silly question, if there was an egg out there I would have gotten it by now.

@ (Egg tricks) Show a white egg. "I have a golden egg...haven't you ever heard of white gold?"

@ (Egg tricks) What kind of chicken lays a wooden egg? A wooden chicken! (because a real chicken wouldn't.)

W (Cigarette magic) Do you have a cigarette? I left mine in the machine. @ (Cigarette magic) I don't really smoke. When I die I want to die healthy.

@ (Cigarettemagic) The reason1 do not smoke is that it's cheaper to get the disease direct.

@ (Pen trick) Feel this pen. Now it's a 'felt' pen.

-

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@ (Smoke filled room) What's the matter? Doesn't anyone inhale anymore? @ (Smoke filled room) This reminds me of when I was in London.

w

(Sweating during the show) I don't know why I'm sweating. I already have the job.

@ (Sweating during the show) My skin leaks. @ (Guillotine trick) Don't worry. I've done this before, once. @ (Guillotine trick) Do you want to lose 20 pounds of unwanted fat?

@ (Guillotine trick) Just think, if it doesn't work, your food bill d l be cut to zero.

@ (Guillotine trick) The President is trying to cut government spending. The best way to accomplish it is to cut down the people who are doing the spending.

@ (Guillotine trick) If this doesn't work, you get severance pay.

8 (Guillotine trick) This trick is a cut above the rest. e4) (Guillotine trick) I use to practice this on my sister.

She is now my half-sister.

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@ (Guillotine trick) Don't worry. Today I'm taking special precautions because of yesterday's accident.

@ (Guillotine trick) Hey! If it doesn't work, big deal. What's life? Somethingyou do while you're making other plans.

@ (Guillotine trick) If you see red, it's blood. @ (Guillotine trick) Do you have all your fingers and your head? Good, then you have never done this before. @ (Guillotinetrick) I will make you twice the person you were before you came up here.

@ (Guillotinetrick) Ignore this. My hands always shake.

@ (Guillotine trick) I've done this hundreds of times. (Unfortunately) it (only)worked once.

@ (Guillotine trick) Think how famous I'll be if this doesn't work. You too!

@ (Guillotine trick) My name is Harry Allen. The first

name in trust .

@ (Gwllotine trick) I hope you have major medical. @ (Guillotine trick) I had a terrible accident and my lawyer is the worst. I was in court with this thing (point to guillotine). I asked my lawyer how to plead, and he said, "On your knees."

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@ (Guillotine trick) I'm always asked, "How sharp is the blade?" I'm always asked, "How sharp is the blade?" (The audience should then ask, "How sharp is the blade?") A lot sharper than this audience.

@ (Guillotine trick) (Ask the audience assistant whose head is in the guillotine) Would you like me to do this with a blindfold? Yes? (I don't know why but) 0.k. (Put a blindfold on yourself)

@ (Guillotine trick) The front row please move back. Some heads don't fall off, they shoot out. I would hate for someone to get ahead.

@ (Guillotine trick) Sir, have you ever performed this illusion before? No? That's one heck of a coincidence.

@ (Guillotine trick) I'm sure everything will come off all right. Watch the carrot. If it goes, you're as good as dead meat.

@ (Guillotine trick) The blade went through unharmed. Now, let's find out, is he live, or is he Memorex?

@ (Guillotinetrick) Are you scared?...Do you want to be?

@ (Multiplying Golf Balls) They call me the hit man for the P.G.A.

@ (Multiplying Golf Balls) I can play four courses, all at the same time.

@ (Multiplying Golf Balls) Today I hit a birdie, eagle, elk. mason and a legionaire.

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Sleight of Mouth

@ (Multiplying Golf Balls) I lost two balls in the ball washer.

@ (Multiplying Golf Balls) If you didn't notice, I'm

wearing my golf socks...I have a hole in one.

@ (Multiplying Golf Balls) I shoot in the low 70's ...any warmer, I don't play. @ (MultiplyingGolf Balls) I almost broke 100...two more clubs and I would have.

@ (Multiplying Golf Balls) I shot a 68 yesterday...I'm playing the second hole today.

@ (MultiplyingGolf Balls) Old golfers never die, they jus t lose their putts. @ (Multiplymg Golf Balls) These are new birth control pills. They multiply but you don't.

@ (Multiplying Golf Balls) Both these balls are exactly the same, especially this one. (Produce the third ball).

@ (Comedyunderwear trick) They must wear like iron, I can tell by the rust marks.

@ (Comedyunderwear trick) These can't be your underwear. These are clean.

@ (Bra trick - Dolly Parton size) She is endorsing a new

candy bar ...Mounds.

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@ (Bra trick - Dolly Parton size) Also a new T.V. show, "They're Incredible." @ (Bra trick - Dolly Parton size) In fact Dolly Parton is in the audience tonight. Sorry,it's just two bald headed men sitting together.

@ (Bra trick) (After the trick) You made two handkerchiefs and one knot very happy.

@ (Bra trick) (As the hankies are being placed in the shirt) Oh! Two mini Yul Brynners.

@ (Bra trick) (When she doesn't cooperate putting the hankies in the shirt) Sir, you married a professional nun.

@ (Bra trick) (After positioning the handkerchiefs in the spectator's blouse) Look at your hands, saying, "Don't ever tell me I don't take you anywhere."

@ (Moneytricks) I don't lend money. It causes amnesia. @ (Money tricks) I have a twenty dollar William. I haven't known it long enough to call it Bill.

@ (Money tricks) I'm money mad. I don't have any money, and I'm mad.

@ (Money tricks) I have a new way to make money. I forget who I borrowed it from.

@ (Inflation) Pumpernickel is now pumper dime.

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@ (Money tricks) Remember, a fool and his money are soon married.

@ (Inflation) It use to be a compliment to tell your wife she looked like a rnillion dollars. Now it's an insult. @ (Inflation) I went into one of those high class department stores and asked the clerk for change of a dollar. The clerk replied, "My friend, a dollar is change."

@ (Inflation) I went to pay cash in the grocery store, and they wanted two credit card references.

@ (Inflation) Now - a - days it's not the caffine in coffee that keeps me awake; it's the price.

@ (Inflation)You know, magicians have to eat too. I was in the supermarket the other day and I could not believe the price of meat. I asked the clerk if I could finance a piece of roast.

@ (Inflation) Inflation is when you save for a long time to buy something, then find you can't afford it.

@ (Inflation) I pulled into a gas station and asked for a dollar's worth of gas. The attendant belched in my face. @ (Money) Every other show I hand out a $10 bill. Unfortunately, this is the other show.

@ (Guillotine trick) Hey! What do you have to lose?

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@ (Money)A magic manufacturer turned out thousands of tee shirts with words "MONEY ISN'T EVERYTHING" on them. He went bankrupt. (Mentalism) I'll read your mind. Luckily it's light reading.

@ (Mentalism) I had a bad accident the other day. A thought struck me.

@ (Mentalism) Two mentalists were married to each other. One said to the other, "Not tonight, you have a headache."

@ (Silks) Can I borrow a handkerchief? I'd use my own, but this is a dirty trick.

@ (Silks) This is a foreign handkerchief, I got it from a broad.

@ (Silks) I'm going to make it disappear. I wish I could make my mother - in - law disappear.

@ (Vanishing a silk) It's wonderful what a little waving (wave silk)will do. Especially if it's a permanent wave. But when the wind blows the wave is gone (blow on your hand). Just like the handkerchief. @ (Sucker Trick) If you are watching that close I'm going home.

@ (Sucker Trick) Not very funny, but difficult as hell.

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Sleight of Mouth

@ (Sight gag) Will the lady who lost this please come up here and claim it. (Hold up a three cupped brassierre)

@ (Sight gag) Shoot a silk hanky with a blank gun. When you show the hanky the word "ouch"is printed on it.

@ (Sight gag) Put scotch tape on the fingertips of the index fingers of someone you called up. Tell the person to put these in his ear. Tell the audience to be quiet while he listens to the tapes.

@ (Sight gag) Have a note in your shoe. Sometime during the show reach in and pull it out and explain; this is just a "foot note."

@ (Sight gag) Would you like to shake my hand', O.K., but give it back when you're done. (Give them a rubber hand to shake)

@ (Mindreading) A man visited a fortune teller and sat down in front of her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children," she said. "That's what think," the man replied. "I'm the father of three children." The fortune teller smiled and said, "That's what vou think."

@ (Smoking) I just quit smoking. Don't make any sudden moves. @ (Cigarettemagic) I use cigarettes for magic. However, I don't smoke, because I'm allergic to cancer.

@ (Money) It's not a sin to be rich. It's a miracle.

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139

@ (Entrance from a Flash Pot) Walk through the smoke and blow smoke fromyour mouth as you cough. (Secretly puff on a cigarette back stage)

@ (Mindreading) (Look into someone's palm) Was one of your parents a female? See, I told you I was psychc.

@ (Misers Dream) From sleeve - Getting it on the cuff.

From nose - Nobody knows where they come from. From the air - I produce them in the open...too many make money under cover.

FOR MAGICIANS ONLY @ 144 Hecklers: Gross Stupidity

@ Sherlock Holrnes: A block of houses

@ Uppa U.S.: What an Italian calls Canada @ Space: Invented so we didn't have to do everything at the same place. @ Time: Invented so we didn't have to do everything at the same time.

@ E.S.P.: Entertaining simple people. @ Hurnan Race: Where everyone lines up and runs. @ Bisexual: Mention sex and she d l say "bye - bye." @ Trisexual: Will try anything. @ Wedding: A funeral where you smell your own flowers.

@ Adjustment: When your ulcer forms a callus.

@ Sleep: Short form of death. @ Five men were under one umbrella and none of them got wet. How did they do it? It wasn't raining.

Sleight of Mouth

141

@ Life: What you do while you're waiting to die. @ Happy Roman: A gladiator. @ Preparation H and a Psychiatrist: A shrink for both ends.

@ Mutual Orgasm: Insurance company.

@ Egg: Natural enemy of a hammer. @ Aviator Deck: A pack of cards that fly.

W Square Circle: A geometric figure that's not sure of its shape.

@ Spring Flowers: Flowers magicians use only certain times of the year.

@ Three Shell Game: A game made for the beach. @ A Hank of Rope: A Henry of cord.

@ Sucker Die Box: A coffin for dead lollipops. @ Cigarette Catcher: Like a dog catcher but only for stray cigarettes.

@ Card Castle: Where kings and queens live. (q Where do you wear a thumb tip?

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@ What animal uses a dove harness?

@ What are chrome billiard balls made of?

8 What country is the Queen of England from? @ Who invented Tommy Windsor's Dye Box?

@ What does the vanishing cane do? @ What language is spoken by French Canadians? (If you answered the above questions correctly, you, too, could become a magician.)

@ (Reach into your pocket and pull out a handful of thumbtips) I guess I'm all thumbs today.

@ I saw this signin a cluttered old fashioned Magic Shop: "We have it if we can find it."

8 The reason some magicians don't recognize opportunity is because it often comes disquised as hard work.

@ Do you have a cigarette? Yes? Good, how about a Dove Harness...Zig Zag..or Linking Rings.

@ What do you say to a one legged assistant when they are helping you with the subtrunk? Hop in.

@ (After a fancy flourish) Being a successful magician is about 5% talent and 95% economics.

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143

@ (After a fancy flourish) A man rushed up to famed magician Harry Houdini after a performance and cried: "I'd give my life to be as good as you." Houdini replied, "I did."

@ (After a fancy flourish) You don't have to be a farmer to be outstanding in your field. @ (After a fancy flourish) It's lonely at the top. But it sure beats being crowded at the bottom.

@ (After a fancy flourish) Am I too fast for this side? @ (After a fancy flourish) T h s is me. Accept no substitutes.

@ (After a fancy flourish) I don't have to work. I have enough money to last the rest of my life, providing I die next Thursday.

@ (After a fancy flourish) If at first you do succeed - try to hide your astonishment. @ (After a fancy flourish) I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve irnrnortality through not dying.

@ (After a fancy flourish) When your magic speaks for itself, don't interrupt.

@ A fellow magiciannever tells you a pet secret until you contradict him.

14.4

For magicians only

@ (After a fancy flourish) Pros are people who do their jobs well even when they don't feel llke it. @ Question: What is the most important part of being a great magician? Showmanship, practicing, or enthusiasm? Answer: What is the most important part of a three legged stool?

@ There are two types of magicians. Those who do things and those magicians who get the credit. Try, if you can, to belong to the first class. There's far less competition.

The two Harrys Harry Anderson visits Daytona Magic Booth at a magic convention.

ODDS and ENDS @ (Cruise Ships) Just recently when I was working on a cruise ship I said to a woman passenger, "Isn't this a good cruise? We have slot machines, the sun is always shining, there's food every tenminutes, and a beautiful swimming pool." She said, "Ohyeah,but take away the ship and what have you got?"

@ (Cruise Ships) One passenger lost her husband's entire wardrobe. You know the two little portholes in the cabins? She thought it was the wash and dry.

@ (Cruise Ships) The food is fantastic aboard ship, but the passengers won't admit to gaining weight. They say the salt air shrinks their clothing.

@ (Club magic) I don't like cocaine. The smell isn't bad, though.

@ (Large family) There were ten kids in my family...I never slept alone until I got married.

@ (Money) We should all live within our means ...even if we have to borrow the money to do so.

@ (Asking for money from an audience) (No response) All a pickpocket could get from this audience is practice.

@ (Golf) If you drink, don't drive...putt!

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Sleight of Mouth

@ (CruiseShips) A little boy walked up to his mother and said, "Mommy, where do we come from?" She replied, "From wiffle dust." "Then when we die where do we go," the little boy asked? She replied, "We return to wiffle dust." The little boy said, "Then, someone is either coming or going under my bed."

@ (Cruise Ships) I went on a cruise to St. Thomas where liquor is tax free and you can bring home a gallon. It's fumy how people will spend $1000 for a cruise to save $20 on booze.

@ (Club magic) Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member.

@ (Club magic) At a nightclub an assistant remarked to the magician, "That's the fifth time you've gone back for more beer. Doesn't it embarrass you at all? "No," he answered, "I keep telling them it's for you."

@ (Club magic) Girls are like rocks. You skip the flat ones.

@ (Club magic) (Girl with big bosoms) Do you have a license to carry those?

@ (Club magic) I had a terrible nightmare. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother, and I was a bottle baby.

@ (Club magic) Dolly will be here tonight to breast feed the whole audience.

Odds and Ends

147

@ (Club magic) I don't take drugs. They're always given to me.

@ She was so thin...when she walked into the pool hall they tried to chalk her head.

@ She was so thin ...she tied knots in her legs to make knees.

@ She was so thin ...when she turned sideways you couldn't see her.

@ She was so thin ...her brassiere is a peanut shell and a rubber band.

@ She's so ugly ...a peeping tom threw up on her window. @ She's so ugly ...we went horse back riding and someone jumped on her.

@ She's so ugly ...when she goes to the beach, the tide won't come in.

@ She's so old ...her Social Security number is three. @ She's so old...I called an elderly lady up to help me and I couldn't help admiring her alligator shoes, until I found out she was barefooted.

@ (ResortHotel) This hotelis nice and the towels are soft and fluffy. In fact, you can hardly shut your suitcase.

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@ (Resort Hotel) On the last day of your stay they give you only one towel. That towel has a chain hooked on it.

@ (Famous American Fibs) 1. You will go on at exactly 7:30. 2. There will be all kinds of publicity. 3. The check is in the mail. 4. One size fits all. 5. Your luggage isn't lost, it's only misplaced. 6. This hurts me more than it hurts you. 7. I just need five minutes of your time. 8. Money cheerfully refunded. 9. I'll start my diet tomorrow.

@ (Dinner Theaters) I see you're eating. First time here I see.

@ (Restaurant) Person One: I would like coffee without cream. Person Two: We are out of cream, you will have to take it without milk.

@ (Hospital Show) I just worked another hospital show. I had them in stitches.

@ (Kid Show) Parents, would you rather eat a jar of hot peppers or take your children shopping for six hours straight?

@ (Street Performer) Please give any amount. Just fold it up so it won't blow away.

@ (Street Performer) If you like what you saw, please give. If you didn't like what you saw, please give.

@ (Someonetalking) Let's play a new game. The one with the microphone does the talking.

Odds and Ends

149

@ (Someone tallung) Magician: Can you hear me back there? Answer: Yes. Magician: I can hear you up here!

@ (Can't hear someone in audience) Put microphone up to your ear and say, "Could you speak a little louder?" @ (Introduced unexpectedly) I was so surprised to get this nomination, I almost dropped my acceptance speech.

8 (Introduced unexpectedly) I feel like a Persian prince who just inherited his father's harem, I don't know where to begin!

@ (Locality line) The water is not so bad here. The part I don't like is having to chew it.

@ (Locality line) A sign on a travel agent's window: "PLEASE GO AWAY."

@ (Parents) My parents are in the iron and steel business. My mom irons and my dad steals.

@ (Parents) I'm what my mother always wanted me to be. Far far away from her.

@ (Parents) My mother asked me over for dinner. It was nice. Her prices were not bad either.

@ (Parents) I was never told the facts of life. My parents thought I would never need them.

@ (Small audience) I've seen more people in telephone booths.

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Sleight of Mouth

@ (Drinking on stage) I don't drink anything stronger than pop. And pop will drink anything.

@ (Drinking on stage) I don't like to drink liquor. But what else do you do with it?

@ (Drinking on stage) I drink to make my audience more interesting. @ (Drinking on stage) I have a feeling they put valium in the drinks.

@ (ComedyForce) Three colors to choose from: "Doyou want red?" Speak softly. "Blue?" Speak very loud and clear. "Or yellow?" Speak softly.

@ (Need Time) If you have an itch, scratch it. I'll be right back.

W (Can't find curtain opening) What happened to the opening? It must have healed up.

@ (Can't find curtain opening) Where did it go? It was here when I came in.

@ (Outside show) Move in closer and give the pick pockets a break.

@ (Drinking) As a rule I don't drink...but as a habit I do. @ (Drinking) The only time I drink is when I'm alone or with someone.

Odds and Ends

151

@ (Drinking)The more you drink the better it goes over. @ My father never took me or my magic seriously! For example, he used to give me stale bread and tell me it was toast. @ My father never took me or my magic seriously! For example, I asked him to cash my check and he asked for ID.

@ (Death - While performing the guillotine, etc..) If you're killed, you've lost an important part of your life.

@ (Death - While performing the guillotine, etc..) Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down. @ (Death - While performing the guillotine, etc..) Sleep is a short form of death.

@ (Death - While performing the guillotine,etc..) I got up this morning and looked in the obituaries ...my name wasn't there, so I got out of bed.

8 (Death-While performing the guillotine, etc..) Are you married or single? It doesn't make a difference. In a minute you'll be separated.

@ My little brother not only gets into my magic...he puts glue in my preparation H.

@ (Comedy greeting) Magician: Where are you from? Spectator answers. Magician: Good memory.

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Sleight of Mouth

@ My little brother not only gets into my magic ...at the dinner table I told h m to eat his meat and grow up like me. He said, "I'll be a vegetarian."

@ The town I performed in was so small...we just carpeted it.

@ The town I performed in was so small...you can take a cab from one end of town to another for 85 cents.

@ The town I performed in was so small...our power plant is a Die-hard battery. @ The last town I performed in is so small...the tour bus never leaves the station.

@ I was so unpopular before I started magic...for my birthday I received a cemetery plot.

@#I was so unpopular before I started magic ...I received

a gift certificate to a massage parlor ...self service.

@ (Comedy greeting) Magician: What's your name? Spectator: Bill. Magician: Can I call you Bill? Spectator: Yes. Magician: Good, you can call me Mr. Allen (insert your name)

@ (Comedy greeting) Magician: Hello, what's your name? Spectator: Mary. Magician: Can I call you Mary? Spectator: Yes. Magician: How about after the show? @ (Comedy greeting) Magician: What persuasion are you? Spectator: Italian. Magician: Who persuaded you?

Odds and Ends

153

@ (Comedy greeting) Magician: Have you ever seen me before? Spectator: No. Magician: How do you know it's me?

@ (A line the late great Jimmy Durante suggested to me) Did you try putting preparation H on your nose?

@ (A line the late great Jimmy Durante suggested to me) Try smoking big cigars to make your nose look smaller.

@ (A line the late great Jimmy Durante suggested to me) Your nose isn't big ...your face is just small.

@ (A line the late great Jimmy Durante suggested to me) It's nice of you to give the birds a place to perch. @ Where are you from? Wait for answer, then reply: I

was there once...it was closed.

@ Where are you from? Wait for answer, then reply: Is it on a map?

@ Where are you from? Wait for answer, then reply: It's underwhelming.

@ Where are you from? Wait for answer, then reply: I spent two weeks there one night.

@ This next trick is so old...when it was first performed, history wasn't a subject in school.

@ I was so poor ...I could only afford one Linking ring. (to do the Linking Rings.)

Sleight of Mouth

154

@ I was so poor ...I used to saw myself in half, because I couldn't afford an assistant.

@ I was so poor ...I could only take tap dancing lessons for one leg. @ I was so poor ...we used to paint the bottom of our feet black and lace up our toes. I was so poor ...my brother and I use to fight over the

dog's leftovers.

@ We were so poor ...for entertainment we use to sit around and watch each other rot.

@ We were so poor ...we couldn't afford to pay attention. @ There are many famous people who do magic, Johnny

Carson,Muhammad Ali. In fact...Iwent to a fight the other night and a Hockey game broke out.

@ (Insurance) I don't have Blue Cross Insurance. I have Black and Blue Insurance. It only covers bruises.

@ We were so poor ...we didn't have furniture. This morning I woke up on the wrong side of the floor.

8 (Birthdayparty) Why is a birthday cake the only thing you can blow on and spit on and everyone runs to get a piece?

8 (Post Office) When it comes to drug testing at the post office, one thing you won't find is speed!

Odds and Ends

155

@ (Drinking) Drink up! My stuff is a lot funnier when you're drunk.

@ (Drinking) They told me that if I had too much to drink, to take a bus home. I said, "Hell,I can hardly drive my car."

@ (Drinking) I'm not a problem drinker. I drink, get drunk, fall down, no problem!

@ (Drinking) I have a drinking problem. Two hands and only one mouth.

@ (Drinking) I'm not as think as you drunk I am. @ (Drinking) I drank some non - alcoholic beer last night and got into a fake fight.

@ (Drinking) A state trooper stopped me and made me blow up this balloon. I made it into a poodle.

@ (Dinner Theater) They are serving mother - in - law stew. It stays with you longer than you would like.

@ My mother-in-law is so old she won't buy green bananas.

@ I took my mother-in-law to an antique sale...I got fifty dollars for her.

@ (Restaurant) I was reading the menu and I ordered a quickie. The waiter told me it was quiche.

156

3

Sleight of Mouth

@ (Table hopping) (Have spectator put index finger on the table. Put a drink on top of index finger.) Does this feel cold? (Have the spectator put an index finger from each hand on the table next to each other. Put a drink on top of the spectator's fingers. They can't move without spilling the drink.) Have a nice meal. @ (On Morning show) Not a morning person doesn't even begin to cover it.

@ (On Morning show) Coffee is my only real friend. @ (On Morning show) I have no idea what I'm doing out of bed.

@ (On Morning show) (Blank gun pointed at audience) Give me coffee and no one gets hurt!

@ (After a great effect) I'm not weird, I'm gifted.

@ (After a great effect) I didn't claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables. @ (After a great effect) Maybe none of this is happening!

@ I'm too young to be this old. @ (After a question from the audience) How do I know? I'm not your mother.

@ (Looking at something nice) I'm taking the scenic route through life.

Od& and En&

157

@ (Political) Politicians are like diapers. They both should be changed often, and for the same reason.

@ This guy ran around the plane yelling..."We'regoing to crash." And he was the pilot! @ The guy next to me said, "If we don't crash I'm going to church every Sunday." And he was a priest!

@ There is a rumor going around that the photographers doing the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition are on strike...for longer hours.

@ The boss said I would get a raise when1 earned it. He's crazy if he thinks I'm gonna wait that long.

@ I once had a job as a human cannonball. I was hired and fired the same night.

@ (Drinking on stage) Does all the water here come with ants? @ (Food) The food here is so tasteless you could eat a meal of it and belch, and it wouldn't remind you of anything.

@ (Food)Be careful of reading recipe books. You may die of misprint.

@ (Food)You are what you eat. For example, if you eat garlic you're apt to be a hermit.

158

Sleight of Mouth

@ (Waiter) Please don't tip the waiters, they can hardly stand as it is. @ (Waiter) Some day I would like to see a waiter with enough courage to lay the check face up on the table.

@ (Waiter) Waiter, do you have frogs legs? Well, then hop over to the bar and get me a drink.

@ (Hotel)This hotel has a continuous floor show...mice! @ (Travel)When I was in Russia I found out you don't watch television. Television watches you.

@ (Earlymorning) There ought to be a better way to start the day than by getting up in the morning. @ (Superstition)Walking under a ladder can be lucky...if there is a girl on it.

@ It was a terrible day at the office. The computer broke and we all had to think.

@ I use to be a pilot in a stable. I would pilot here, I would pilot there ...

@ (Golf) Golf isn't a rich man's game. There are plenty of poor players.

@ (Golf) I'm so use to cheating that when I made a hole in one, I put down zero.

Odds and Ends

159

@ (Golf)Definition: A golf bag - An elderly female golfer. @ (Golf)Some people play golf religiously, every Sunday. @ (Golf) You chase a golf ball when you're too old to chase anything else.

@ (Golf)My golf is improving. Now I miss the ball much closer than I used to.

@ (Night club) I asked the bartender for something tall

and cold with plenty of gin in it ...and he called his wife over.

@ (Night club) When men drink at bars, it means they have no wife to go home to - or they have. @ (Night club) "They say drinking shortens a man's life." Yes -but he sees twice as muchin the same length of time.

@ (Night club) (After taking a sip of alcohol) Someone gave me a hot foot once - I burned for three days.

@ (Night club) I only drink to calm my nerves ...I got so steady once, I didn't move for two days.

@ (Night club) Show me a man who can eat, drink and be merry, and I'll show you a fat, grinning drunk.

@ (Nightclub)(Aftera beer)I cut my finger yesterday...it's the first time I ever saw blood with a head on it.

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Sleight of Mouth

(Night club) You know what a problem drinker is? Those who never buy.

@ (Night club)There's the person who drove me to drink - and you know, I never even thanked her.

@ (Night club) I had last night's audience openmouthed ...they all yawned at once.

@ (Night club) I had'em all in the aisles...leaving for the exits.

@ (Charity banquet) I understand if I do well tonight, next year I don't have to eat the dinner. @ (Dinner theatre) Last night they served everyone duck. I got the bill.

@ (Telephone ringing) Pardon me, does that ringing in my ears bother you?

FAT HUMOR @ When he puts on corduroys, all the ridges disappear. @ When she wears high heels they become slippers.

@ When he gets out of his car at the airport all the electric doors open.

@ When he goes on the "up" escalator, it goes down. Looks like you have GOOD YEAR disease.

@ He's so fat he can jump into the air and get stuck. @ There is this new diet. Onions and garlic. You look thinner from a distance.

@ I've been on a diet for 14 days and all I lost was two weeks.

VENTRILOQUIST HUMOR @ Ventriloquist: You have the brains of an idiot. Dummy: You want them back?

@ Ventriloquist: I passed your house the other day. Dummy: Thanks.

8

Ventriloquist: Put your feet where they belong. Dummy: If I did that you wouldn't sit down for a week.

SENIOR CITIZEN HUMOR 19

You know you're old when your watch runs faster than you do.

@ Hey! I got a great idea. Let's all take our teeth out and play bridge.

@ You know you're old when the candles cost more than the cake.

19 When she orders a three - minute egg, they make her pay in advance.

@ You're old, when you need glasses to find your glasses.

@ You're old, when you sit in a rocking chair and you can't get it going.

@ You're old, when your knees buckle and your belt doesn't.

@ At your age you shouldn't eat natural foods. You need all the preservatives you can get.

@ Quit worrying about your health ...it'll go away. @ He has young blood ...but he keeps it in an old con-

t ainer .

@ Ladies and gentlemen, you warm the cockels of my heart, and I couldn't have done the show with cold cockels.

@ Take off your glasses and say...I don't need these, I just use them to see.

@ I love work. I can sit and watch it all day. @ It's funny, alarm clocks always go off when you're sleeping.

@ Whenever you dial the wrong number it's never busy. @ The closer you watch, the less you see, and the less you see is better for me.

@ Some day you'll see my name in lights. I'm changing it to "Exit."

@ 1just saw an ad for Preparation H. It said kiss your

hemorroids goodbye...I don't think I want to try that!

@ It all happens with a blinking of an eye.

@ Do you notice the verbal misdirection? @ I train my magic well.

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165

@ I'm past the stage of doing mere magic. I'm working on miracles.

@ If you think education is expensive...try ignorance. @ I do nothing but I do it well; the only problem is I don't know when I'm finished.

@ Some girls are good for nothing. Others charge. @ This next trick stopped my adolescence three years. @ I take the impossible and make it a reality. I take the reality and make it look easy. I take the easy and make it look beautiful.

@ This next trick works on mind over matter. Even if you mind, it doesn't matter.

@ It all happens in living color. @ My hands move faster than a walking turtle. @ Look at the mess you've got now. @ Person One: It's a pleasure to meet you. Person Two: Well it's a pleasure to be met.

@ Sir, do you have any matches? No? Here have some. (Toss a handful of matches out).

@ I have my magic well disciplined.

166

General Comments

@ This gentleman and I went to different schools together.

@ Do you walk to work or carry your lunch? @ Is it colder in the mountains or in the winter? @ Look at audience: Well I guess you're wondering why I sent for you.

@ Did you ever notice in the paper that people die in alphabetical order?

@ If I told you that you have a nice body, would you hold it against me?

@ My fingers will never leave my hands; and I've been attached to my hands forever.

@ Here is more skill than you've seen in a lifetime. @ If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them

with bullshit .

@ I didn't sleep well last night. The drapes were opened next door.

@ You're such a wholesome audience. I feel like I don't have to shower tonight.

@ I lent a friend money for plastic surgery. Now I don't know what he looks like.

Sleight of Mouth

167

8 Ask for a box of cigarettes. Do a cigarette up the nose move. Put the cigarette backin the box and shake the box of cigarettes up. Hand the box of cigarettes back to the lender.

@ (Reach into pocket for something) I found something I didn't know I had.

8 Magician: Do you know who I hate? Audience: Who? Magician: Indian givers. No, I take that back. Do you know who I really hate? Audience: Who? Magician: People who imitate owls.

@ (Lady with many children) What are you trying to do, start your own country?

@ I have the heart of a child. I keep it in a jar on my desk. @ I'm gaining weight for the summer because I want to get a big tan.

@ You should marry for love, and divorce for money. @ Who here has older parents?

@ I have so much gas, Arabs follow me around. @ I dreamed I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted. @ You can't see my legs? That's good...they're yellow. My dog is blind!

168

Genepal Comments

@ This travel agent met his wife because it was her last resort.

@ I wasn't able to tell this next joke for a while because of the statute of limitations.

@ I invented plastic parsley. No one eats it anyway. @ I use to be in the hot dog business, I didn't relish it. @ I like to live in the past. The rent is a lot cheaper.

@ Did you know Hurnpty Durnpty was pushed? @ I found a great way to avoid getting parking tickets. Remove your windshield wipers.

@ This place is so dark tonight, you will get your check in braille.

@ I was going to move to a more expensive neighborhood, but now I don't have to. My landlord just doubled my rent.

@ What do you get if you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros? El - if - I - no. @ I wrote a new national anthem...but nobody would stand for it.

@ Do you know what you get if you cross an elephant with a kangaroo? Big holes all over Australia!

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169

@ I only perform this at night. That way you can't say, "I see this every day."

@ There's a sucker born every minute. I was born on the half minute. @ Many jokes I tell I don't llke but you laugh. It works both ways.

@ While you're laughing, they're towing your car away. @ Remember, as one strawberry said to another, "If we weren't in bed together we wouldn't be in this jam."

@ Remember, never let the facts get in the way of a good story.

@ Why does it take the police longer to respond to your home than a pizza order?

@ I invented a new cologne. It smells like credit cards ...it drives a woman wild.

@ Why do people who snore always fall asleep first? @ Two companies are now actively seeking me ...Visa and Mastercard.

@ Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago it took two people to carry ten dollars worth of groceries. Today, a five year old does it.

170

General Comments

@ I've played some tough spots before. My second show was the same audience, different owner.

@ They remind me of my three children...one of each sex! @ Do you know the best way to catch an elephant? Hide in the bushes ...and make a noise like a peanut.

@ I was going to tell you the story of the forty thieves but maybe you're not interested in politics.

@ Think about it, every second there's an old wornan yelling "BINGO."

@ What did one mirror say to another? It's all done with people.

@ (Toast)To our wives and sweethearts ...may they never meet.

@ First rule of acting...whatever happens, look as if it were intended.

@ I don't believe in Astrology,but that's typical for a Leo.

@ I have enough insurance to live on after I die. @ He's always offering "Sound Advice"...99%sound and 1%advice.

@ I just flew in on an economy flight. That means after you eat you have to do the dishes.

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171

@ The airlines came out with this notice: Odds of one bomb on a plane - One million to one. Odds of two bombs - One trillion to one. So whenever I fly, I carry a bomb.

ANECDOTES @ The question: Excuse me, what is your opinion of the meat shortage? This was asked to people all over the world. Answers: Person One (Texas): "What is a shortage?" Person Two (Poland): "What is meat?" Person Three (Russia): "What is an opinion?" Person Four (New York): "What is excuse me?"

@ There was a married couple with seven children. Seems the wife was slightly deaf. The husband would come home and ask "Doyou want to watch T.V. or what?" The wife always replies "What?"

@ Two magicians walking down the street. A bird goes to the bathroom on one of the magicians. Magician One: "Hey,do you want me to get some toilet paper? Magician Two: "No,the bird will be gone by the time you get back."

@ The other day1 got a phone call. Of course I was in the shower. So I ran to the phone out of breath. It was an obscene phone call. Well I was panting, he was panting, suddenly I hear him say, "Wait! Did I call you or did you call me?"

QUICKIES They just wrote a book about my sex life entitled "Sterile Cuckoo."

@ One mentalist said to the other, "You're fine, how am I?"

@ This next trick is so damn good I'm going to watch it myself.

@ I came out of a sick bed to do this show. My girlfriend is sick.

@ The bookies are having a new kind of lottery. Each day you have to guess which will go higher, the inflation rate or the temperature.

@ I'm part Roman. I have roarnin' fingers. @ If this next trick fails, I'll leave it out. @ Did you hear about the halfway house for girls? It's for girls who don't go all the way. @ Are peanuts fattening? Did you ever see a skinny elephant?

PUNS or DOUBLE MEANINGS @ A man recently died, leaving a large number of music boxes, pocket watches and clocks among his worldly possessions. The attorney is currently busy winding up the estate. @ My visit to Teheran was very hectic. Wherever I went, Iran.

@ Bank managers who have their desk over the vault, have their ass sets over hundreds of thousands of dollars. @ My dermatologist is now very successful. However, he had to build his practice from scratch.

IMPRESSIONS @ (Birth control pill) Hold hand up like policeman and say, "STOP!"

@ (Bubble gum) Put a chair on your head.

ENDINGS @Anytime you want me here again, just say the magic word: MONEY!

@ When you go home tonight, please, drive on the sidewalk. All the accidents are happening on the street.

@ I'd like to leave you with these words, "One good turn, gets most of the blanket."

w

If you enjoyed the show, my name is Harry Allen. If not, it's Joe Smith.

@ (To assistant) You may sit down while the deafening applause subsides.

@ I've had a wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. @ Remember these words, "Alwayslook out for Number One and don't step in Number Two." @ I must go now. If I'm not in bed by eleven, I'm going home.

@ (Standingovation) Leave the keys, Charlie,I'll lock up. @ This is the most fun I had with my clothes on in a long tirne.

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177

@ It's been lovely but I have to scream now! @ And now, for the effect you all have been waiting for, my last one.

@ And now, every good thing must come to an end, but this is not such a good thing, so I'll do more.

@ You can't fool all the people all the time. Remember, some of them are busy fooling you.

@ I feel the tension building. Am I the only one?

@ Please drive home carefully, because I'm walking. @ Magic is my business. I sure hope it's been your pleasure.

@ Before I leave, I would like to say something that will move you ...EX-LAX!