Six The Musical Script.

 

SIX: THE MUSICAL SCRIPT CAST: Catherine of Aragon: Anne Boleyn: Jane Seymour: Anne of Cleves: Katheryn Howard: Catherine Parr:

Lights up. The Queens emerge, one by one, and arrange themselves in order, heads down.

 

SONG – EX-WIVES

ARAGON: DIVORCED BOLEYN: BEHEADED SEYMOUR: DIED CLEVES: DIVORCED HOWARD: BEHEADED PARR: SURVIVED ARAGON: And tonight, CH, we are… ALL: LIVE! ARAGON: LISTEN UP, LET ME TELL YOU A STORY BOLEYN: A STORY THAT YOU THINK YOU’VE HEARD BEFORE SEYMOUR: WE KNOW YOU KNOW OUR NAMES AND OUR FAME AND OUR FACES CLEVES: BUT WHAT ABOUT THE GLORIES AND THE DISGRACES HOWARD:

 

I’M DONE ‘CAUSE ALL THIS TIME, I WAS JUST ONE WORD IN A STUPID RHYME PARR: SO I PICKED UP A PEN AND A MICROPHONE ALL: HISTORY’S ABOUT TO GET OVERTHROWN ARAGON: DIVORCED BOLEYN: BEHEADED SEYMOUR: DIED CLEVES: DIVORCED HOWARD: BEHEADED PARR: SURVIVED ALL: BUT JUST FOR YOU TONIGHT WE’RE DIVORCED, BEHEADED, LIVE WELCOME TO THE SHOW, TO THE HISTOREMIX SWITCHING UP THE SHOW AS WE ADD THE PREFIX EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT WE USED TO BE SIX WIVES RAISING UP THE ROOF ‘TIL WE HIT THE CEILING GET READY FOR THE TRUTH THAT WILL BE REVEALING EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT WE USED TO BE SIX WIVES BUT NOW WE’RE EX-WIVES INSTRUMENTAL

 

ARAGON: ALL YOU EVER HEAR AND READ ABOUT BOLEYN: IS OUR EX AND THE WAY IT ENDED SEYMOUR: BUT A PAIR DOESN’T BEAT A ROYAL FLUSH CLEVES: YOU’RE GONNA FIND OUT HOW WE GOT UNFRIENDED HOWARD: TONNIGHT WE’RE GONNA DO OURSELVES JUSTICE, ‘CAUSE WE’RE TAKING YOU TO COURT PARR: EVERY TUDOR ROSE HAS ITS THORNS, AND YOU’RE GONNA HEAR ‘EM LIVE, IN CONSORT ARAGON: DIVORCED BOLEYN: BEHEADED SEYMOUR: DIED CLEVES: DIVORCED HOWARD: BEHEADED PARR: SURVIVED ALL: BUT JUST FOR YOU TONIGHT

 

WE’RE DIVORCED, BEHEADED, LIVE WELCOME TO THE SHOW TO THE HISTOREMIX SWITCHNG UP THE SHOW AS WE ADD THE PREFIX EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT WE USED TO BE SIX WIVES DANCING TO THE BEAT, ‘TIL THE BREAK OF DAY ONCE WE’RE DONE WE’LL START AGAIN LIKE IT’S THE RENAISSANCE EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT WE USED TO BE SIX WIVES BUT NOW WE’RE EX WIVES ALL BAR ARAGON: DIVORCED ARAGON: MY NAME’S CATHERINE OF ARAGON WAS MARRIED 24 YEARS I’M A PARAGON OF ROYALTY MY LOYALTY IS TO THE BATICAN SO IF YOU TRY TO DUMP ME.. YOU WON’T TRY THAT AGAIN AL BAR BOLEYN: BEHEADED BOLEYN: I’M THAT BOLEYN GIRL AND I’M UP NEXT SEE I BROKE ENGLAND FROM THE CHURCH YEAH, I’M THAT SEXY WHY DID I LOSE MY HEAD? WELL MY SLEEVES MAY BE GREEN BUT MY LIPSTICK’S RED ALL BAR SEYMOUR: DIED

SEYMOUR: JANE SEYMOUR

 

THE ONLY ONE HE TRULY LOVED ALL BAR SEYMOUR: RUDE SEYMOUR: WHEN MY SON WAS NEWLY BORN, I DIED BUT I’M NOT WHAT I SEEM OR I MIGHT STICK AROUND AND YOU’RE SUDDENLY SEE MORE ALL BAR CLEVES: DIVORCED CLEVES: ICH BIN ANNA OF CLEVES ALL BAR CLEVES: JA CLEVES: WHEN HE SAW MY PORTRAIT HE WAS LIKE ALL BAR CLEVES: JA CLEVES: BUT I DIDN’T LOOK AS GOOD AS I DID IN MY PIC FUNNY HOW WE ALL DISCUSS THAT AND NEVER HENRY’S LITTLEHOWARD: PRICK UP YOUR EARS I’M THE KATHRYN WHO LOST HER HEAD ALL BAR HOWARD: BEHEADED HOWARD:

 

FOR MY PROMISCUITIES OUTSIDE OF WED LOCK UP YOUR HUSBANDS, LOCK UP YOUR SONS K-HOWARD IS HERE AND THE FUN’S BEGUN ALL BAR PARR: SURVIVED PARR: FIVE DOWN, I’M THE FINAL WIFE I SAW HIM TO THE END OF HIS LIFE I’M THE SURVIVOR, CATHERINE PARR I BET YOU WANNA KNOW HOW I GOT THIS FAR I SAID I BET YOU WANNA KNOW HOW I GOT THIS FAR ALL: DO YOU WANNA KNOW HOW WE GOT THIS FAR THEN WELCOME TO THE SHOW, TO THE HISTOREMIX SWITCHING UP THE TRUTH AS WE ADD THE PREFIX EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT WE USED TO BE SIX WIVES GET YOUR HANDS UP, GET THIS PARTY BUZZING YOU WANT A QUEEN BEE? WELL THERE’S HALF A DOZEN EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT WE USED TO BE SIX WIVES BUT NOW WE’RE EX-WIVES INSTRUMENTAL ALL: ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE SIX! Song ends. ARAGON: CH, how you doing tonight?

BOLEYN: We said, how you doing tonight?

 

SEYMOUR: We are ALL: SIX! SEYMOUR: And welcome to our divorced, beheaded, live, tour! BOLEYN: CH, we got a whole lot in store for you tonight. ARAGON: That right girl, we got the wrists to ruffle your ruffs and a whole lot of history. PARR: Or as we like to call it, herstory. They all obnoxiously laugh, the abruptly stop. CLEVES: Obviously, you know who we are. So you came here tonight to party with us old-school. SEYMOUR: Really really old-school. Everyone glares at her. SEYMOUR: You’re gonna have fun. ARAGON: We got a serious score to settle.

HOWARD: ‘Cause, you see, CH, the problem with us there’s

 

ALL: SIX! HOWARD: Of us. And we know you’ve all got your favourites. ARAGON: And everybody always wants to know, who’s the most important wife? CLEVES: And they’ve been arguing about it for centuries. PARR: We’ve heard it all. ARAGON: Who lasted longest was the strongest. BOLEYN: The biggest sinner is obvs the winner. SEYMOUR: Who has the son takes number one. CLEVES: Who was most chased shall be first place. HOWARD: The most inglorious is victorious. PARR: The winning contestant was the most protestant! Protestant. ARAGON: But tonight, we’re gonna answer your questions once and for all.

 

BOLEYN: And tell you what you want, what you really, really want! To know. SEYMOUR: That’re right, we’re here to help you figure out which one of us is… CLEVES: The queen of the castle. SEYMOUR: The rose amongst the thorns. HOWARD: The Thomas Cromwell amongst the royal ministers between 1532 and 1831. ARAGON: But how are we gonna choose our leading lady? BOLEYN: Well hold up. If this is gonna be a fair competition, they’re gonna have to judge us by the one thing we have in common. SEYMOUR: The queen to take the crown should be the one who has the biggest… HOWARD: The firmest… PARR: The fullest…

CLEVES: …Load of BS to deal with from the man who put a ring on it.

 

HOWARD: So, we’re gonna hold a little contest for you. BOLEYN: And the rules are simple. PARR: The queen who was dealt the worst hand… SEYMOUR: The queen with the most hardships to withstand… CLEVES: The queen for whom it didn’t really go as planned… ALL: Shall be the one to lead the band! ARAGON: So what d you think, CH, are you ready to choose your leading lady? HOWARD: We said, are you ready?! ALL: WELCOME TO THE SHOW TO THE CORONATION WHO WILL TAKE THE CROWN BE THE POP SENSATION EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT WE USED TO BE SIX WIVES SIX WIVES WIX WIVES WIX WIVES

ARAGON: But there’s only one you need to hear from tonight, CH. Give me a beat. So, since the day I arrived in England, let’s just say my faith had been tested on

 

more than one occasion. First things first, I was shipped off from Spain on the night of my sweet sixteen to marry some prince called Arthur and I’m like “okay”. But then Arthur died, so naturally I’m imprisoned for seven years. Really helped with the grieving process, you know, but I’m still like, “okay.” But thank God they rescued me just in time to marry Prince Henry… my dead husband’s brother. Okay, so I’m thinking “bit weird”, but if you’d seen him back in the summer of ‘09. Let me tell you he was okay. So seven years later, we’re still trying for an heir. He’s trying really hard and I’m like “okay”, and he starts coming home late. “I was just out with my ministers!” But there’s lipstick on his ruff. And I’m like “okay”. Suddenly, he wants to annul our marriage, move some side chick into my palace and move me into a convent! Now, now, now, now, I just don’t think I’d look that good in a wimple, so I’m like “No way.” SONG – NO WAY

ARAGON: YOU MUST AGREE, THAT BABY IN ALL THE TIMES I’VE BEEN BY YOUR SIDE I’VE NEVER LOST CONTROL NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I KNEW YOU LIED HAVE MY GOLDEN RULE GOT TO KEEP MY COOL YEAH, BABY ALL BAR ARAGON: YOU KNOW SHE’S GOT TO KEEP HER COOL ARAGON: AND EVEN THOUGH YOU’VE HAD YOUR FUN RUNNING AROUND WITH SOME

ALL: PRETTY YOUNG THING ARAGON: AND EVEN THOUGH YOU’VE HAD ONE SON

 

WITH SOMEONE WHO DON’T OWN A ALL: WEDDING RING ARAGON: NO MATTER WHAT I HEARD I DIDN’T SAY A WORD NO, BABY ALL: YOU KNOW SHE NEVER SAID A WORD ARAGON: I’VE PUT UP WITH YOUR ALL: SH… ARAGON: LIKE, EVERY SINGLE DAY ALL: WOAH, WOAH ARAGON: BUT NOW IT’S TIME TO ALL: SHH, ARAGON: AND LISTEN WHEN I SAY YOU MUST THINK THAT I’M CRAZY YOU WANNA REPLACE ME, BABY THERE’S ALL: N-N-N-N-N-N-NO WAY ARAGON: IF YOU THINKN FOR A MOMENT I’LL GRANT YOR ANNULMENT, JUST HOLD UP THERE’S ALL:

 

N-N-N-N-N-N-NO WAY ARAGON: NO WAY NO WAY THERE’S ALL: N-N-N-N-N-N-NO WAY ARAGON: NO WAY NO WAY THERES ALL: N-N-N-N-N-N-NO WAY ARAGON: THERE’S NO WAY SO YOU READ A BIBLE VERSE THAT I’M CURSED ‘CAUSE I WAS YOUR BROTHER’S WIFE YOU AS IT A PITY ‘CAUSE QUOTING LEVITICUS I’LL END UP KIDDY-LESS ALL MY LIFE WELL DADDY, WEREN’T YOU THERE WHEN I GAVE BIRTH TO MARY Oh, you don’t remember? ALL: DAUGHTERS ARE SO EASY TO FORGET ARAGON: YOU’RE JUST SO FULL OF ALL: SH… ARAGON: YOU MUST THINK I’M NAÏVE ALL: WOAH, WOAH ARAGON: I WON’T BACK DOWN

 

WON’T ALL: SHH, ARAGON: AND NO I’LL NEVER LEAVE YOU MUST THINK THAT I’M CRAZY YOU WANNA REPLACE ME, BABY THERE’S ALL: N-N-N-N-N-N-NO WAY ARAGON: IF YOU THOUGHT IT’D BE FUNNY TO SEND ME TO A NUNNERY, HONEY, THERE’S ALL: NO NO WAY WAY NO WAY ARAGON: THERE’S ALL: N-N-N-N-N-N-NO WAY NO WAY NO WAY ARAGON: THERE’S ALL: N-N-N-N-N-N-NO WAY ARAGON: THERE’S NO WAY Let’s go, girls! ALL: Woo! ARAGON: YOU’VE GOT ME DOWN ON MY KNEES,

 

PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK I’VE DONE WRONG BEEN HUMBLE, BEEN LOYAL I’VE TRIED TO SWALLOW MY PRIDE ALL ALONG IF YOU COULD JUST EXPAIN A SINGLE THING I’VE DONE TO CAUSE YOU PAIN I’LL GO… No? YOU’VE GOT NOTHING TO SAY? I’M NOT GOING AWAY THERE’S NO WAY YOU MUST THINK THAT I’M CRAZY YOU WANNA REPLACE ME, BABY THERE’S ALL: N-N-N-N-N-N-NO WAY ARAGON: YOU MADE ME YOUR WIFE SO I’LL BE QUEEN ‘TIL THE END OF MY LIFE ALL: N-N-N-N-N-N-NO WAY. ARAGON: N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-NO—  ALL BAR ARAGON: NO WAY. ARAGON: N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-NO—  ALL BAR ARAGON: NO WAY. ARAGON: N-N-N-N-N-NO, NO NO NO NO, NO, NO WAY.

ALL: NO WAY. NO WAY. ARAGON:

 

THERE’S ALL: N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-NO N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N -N-N-N-N-N-NO WAY. ARAGON: THERE’S NO WAY! Song ends. ARAGON So clearly, I had the most to deal with from the king. And I hit that top C so you know, like dónde está my crown? Por favor. HOWARD Hang on a sec. Who was that other one? ARAGON: I think you’re thinking of me! SEYMOUR: No, there was definitely a really important one. ARAGON: Yeah, still me! PARR: Yeah. I think she, like, overlapped with you. CLEVES: Yeah, the really important, controversial one that people actually care about. SEYMOUR: Yeah. You know… THE ONE YOU’VE BEEN WAITING FOR.

ALL BAR BOLEYN: THE ONE YOU’VE BEEN WAITING FOR. HOWARD: THE MYSTERY,

 

CLEVES: THE ONE WHO CHANGED HISTORY. ALL BAR BOLEYN: HISTORY, CLEVES: THE ONE WHO CHANGED HISTORY, MYSTERY, ALL BAR BOLEYN: THE TEMPTRESS. ARAGON: THE ONE WITH THE PLAN, THE PLAN TO STEAL THE MAN! ALL BAR BOLEYN: ANNE! PARR: THE ONE WHO CHASED THE KING SEYMOUR: BUT PAID THE PRICE WITH A SWORDSMAN’S SWING ALL BAR BOLEYN: WILL SHE BE THE ONE TO WIN? CLEVES & PARR: ANNE BOLEYN ARAGON & SEYMOUR: ANNE BOLYEN HOWARD & PARR: ANNE BOLEYN

CLEVES & HOWARD: ANNE BOLEYN ARAGON & PARR: ANNE BOLEYN

 

SEYMOUR & CLEVES: ANNE BOLEYN PARR & HOWARD: ANNE BOLEYN ALL BARE BOLEYN: ANNE BOLEYN! BOLEYN sits, backstage centre, scrolling on here phone. She looks up. BOLEYN: What? Oh… sorry. SONG – DON’T LOSE UR HEAD

GREW UP INBOLEYN: THE FRENCH COURT OUI, OUI, BONJOUR LIFE WAS A CHORE SO ALL BAR BOLEYN: SHE SET SAIL BOLEYN: 1522 CAME STRAIGHT TO THE UK ALL THE BRITISH DUDES, LAME ALL BAR BOLEYN: EPIC FAIL ALL: OOO BOLEYN: I WANNA DANCE AND SING ALL: POLITICS BOLEYN: NOT MY THING

 

ALL: OOO BOLEYN: BUT THEN I MET THE KING AND SOON MY DADDY SAID “YOU SHOULD TRY AND GET AHEAD” HE WANTED ME, HA, OBVIOUSLY KEPT MESSAGING ME, LIKE, EVERY DAY COULDN’T BE BETTER THEN HE SENT ME A LETTER AND WHO AM I KIDDING I WAS PRET A MANGER ALL: OOO BOLEYN: SENT A REPLY ALL: OOO BOLEYN: JUST SAYING HI ALL: OOO BOLEYN: YOU’RE A NICE GUY I’LL THINK ABOUT IT MAYBE XO, BABY ALL BAR BOLEYN: UH OH

BOLEYN: HERE WE GO ALL BAR BOLEYN: YOU SENT HIM KISSES?

 

BOLEYN: I DIDN’T KNOW I WOULD MOVE IN WITH HIS MRS ALL BAR BOLEYN: WHAT? BOLEYN: GET A LIFE! ALL BAR BOLEYN: YOU WERE LIVING WITH HIS WIFE? BOLEYN: LIKE WHAT WAS I MEANT TO DO? SORRY, NOT SORRY, BOUT WHAT I SAID I’M JUST TRYNA HAVE SOME FUN DON’T WORRY, DON’T WORRY DON’TMEAN LOSETO YOUR HEAD I DIDN’T HURT ANYONE LOL, SAY OH WELL OR GO TO HELL I’M SORRY, NOT SORRY, BOUT WHAT I SAID DON’T LOSE YOUR HEAD THREE IN THE BED AND THE LITTLE ONE SAID “IF YOU WANNA BE WED MAKE UP YOUR MIND HER OR ME, CHUM DON’T WANNA BE SOME GIRL IN A THREESOME ARE YOU BLIND?” ALL BAR BOLEYN: OOO BOLEYN: DON’T BE BITTER

ALL BAR BOLEYN: OOO BOLEYN: ‘CAUSE I’M FITTER

 

ALL BAR BOLEYN: OOO BOLEYN: WHY HASN’T IT HIT HER HE DOESN’T WANNA BANG YOU SOMEBODY HANG YOU