Seuxal Soulmates Susan Bratton 2016

Sexual Sexua Soulmates by Susan Bratton

Dedicated to Arielle Ford for asking me how to turn a mate into a sexual soulmate and being my champion… To my lover who takes me into outrageous realms of soul-satisfying oneness using the foundations inside this book… And to my followers who allow me to give them a map to their own rapture and connection.

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Sexual Sexua Soulmates by Susan Bratton

Dedicated to Arielle Ford for asking me how to turn a mate into a sexual soulmate and being my champion… To my lover who takes me into outrageous realms of soul-satisfying oneness using the foundations inside this book… And to my followers who allow me to give them a map to their own rapture and connection.

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TABLE OF CONTENTS ............................ ............................. ............................. ............................. .............................. ..................... ...... page 4 INTRODUCTION..............

CHAPTER ONE: The Sexual Soulmate Proposition ............ page 10

Finding “The One”  New relationship energy Getting “all in” your relationship  A solid foundation foundation of erotic love love CHAPTER TWO: The Power of Presence .................................... page 17

Positivity and Mindfulness Let go of performance  Your  Y our innermost self  CHAPTER THREE: Creating Loverspace ...................................... page 21

The importance of context Transform your sex life  A context conducive conducive to surrender CHAPTER FOUR: The Sexual Soulmate Pact ...........................page 27

The importance of agreements Feedback loops Polarity: respecting your differences CHAPTER FIVE: Tending the Flames of Desire ..................... page 35

Biological imperative imperativess He’s a lightswitch; she’s a wood-burning stove Small offers CHAPTER SIX: Get Out of Your Heads and Into Your Bodies... page 39

 Your limbic brain:  Your brain: the seat of emotion and connection Look into each other’s eyes Tune into your hearts Breathe together Fine-tune your nervous system ........................... ............................. ...................... ....... page 47 CHAPTER SEVEN: Erotic Playdates.............

Scheduling sex Let loose and discover Focus on fun Play with new sexual techniques CHAPTER EIGHT: The Adventure of a Lifetime .................... page 54

Developing mastery  Your  Y our heart’s desire desire

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INTRODUCTION The move from soulmates to sexual soulmates is  an outrageous adventure, a love-drenched journey  of epic-erotic proportions.

I am about to let you in on a big secret, a secret the happiest couples everywhere already know. I call it the Sexual Soulmate Secret. What you will find in the pages that follow is a straightforward model and specific strategies for turning your mate into your sexual soulmate. I am going to share with you the six essentials that will turn your current or next relationship into a romantic adventure full of intimacy, passion, and fun.  You will learn a practical approach that is both simple and easy once you discover the power of: • Presence • Loverspace • The Sexual Soulmate Pact • Polarity • Embodied Sexuality • Erotic Playdates

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It’s important to note that, in general, the soulmate conversation takes place among women more than men. It’s girlfriend-speak, that private language reserved for women’s groups or confidential talks with our BFFs. Which brings me to an important point I really, really want you to hear: men want a soulmate as much as women do. More specifically, they want a sexual soulmate. Why? Because a man not only feels like a man through consistent intercourse, he craves the same passionate surrender to his pleasure with her that she craves from him.

I speak as a woman who found, then lost, then re-discovered her soulmate and, ultimately, co-created a sexual soulmate relationship that is second to none.

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The evening sky was streaked pink and orange. It was late summer in Silicon Valley with a whiff of fall in the air.  After a decade of marriage, my husband Tim and I had flat-lined. Our sex life was dead in the water. Our six-year old daughter, Taylor stood on the porch with me watching Tim pack  his SUV. He was going to a motel. We had decided to divorce. She looked up at my husband and asked: “Does this mean you won’t be my daddy anymore?”  Ultimately, our 11-year relationship made it through that near-death experience and is stronger and more fulfilling today than we ever imagined. Yes, our marriage gasping it’s last breath. Yes, I had checked out of our sex life due to work and sheer boredom.  Yes, he was angry and frustrated to the point of giving up on me. Yes, we came very close to losing all we had built together. And yes, we nearly broke up our family. But our little girl with her big brown eyes, her nervous hands rubbing her favorite blankey against her lips, the pain in her voice, the confusion behind her innocent question—all worked together like a defibrillator to shock  us out of the death spiral that had become our relationship.

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In that moment, both of us realized that it was up to us to resuscitate our marriage and keep it alive. Sure, I could replace Tim with a shiny new boy toy, but deep down inside, I knew I could never do better than the man I’d married a decade earlier. It was clear to me he was worth fighting for… our marriage was worth fighting for… and our sex life was worth fighting for, too. In the years that followed I came to see, to understand, appreciate, admire, and treasure our relationship. Today, our marriage is alive and well. Alive and full of pleasure. What I most want you to know is you can have a relationship that is comfortable, exciting, and passionate. You long for a relationship that brings out the best in you and the best in your partner. You deserve that kind of love, the kind of love that allows you and your partner to create an intimate, connected togetherness that is second to none.

In the pages that follow, I will give you the information and the tools you need to transform your current or future mate into your sexual soulmate. This method is as much for you if you’re single and looking as it is for you if you’re committed already.

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More than that, I will show you how to best approach this adventure, how to create a context that is both comfortable and safe, and that gives you permission to relax and discover who you are to and with one another. We are going to explore: • How to be rather than do in the bedroom. • The ins and outs of loverspace. • The gift you give, and get, by giving up performance. • Making clear agreements and defining boundaries. • How time can work for you rather than against you. • The key ingredients that keep passion alive. • Specific practices that keep you growing more in love and lust together.

In addition to, and layered in with the key takeaways above, I will teach you communication skills that will, over time, expand your heart and your mind. It’s this layering process and these specific skills that give you the leg up to overcome any obstacle that arises between you. No more drifting apart, shutting down, protecting your heart, hiding your hurt, sulking in silence, or manipulating to get what you want. I am going to show you how to be nourished by the lovemaking you share.  Apply what you learn from this book and the two of you will grow in new directions previously unimaginable. I kid you not. The dream of a sexual soulmate relationship is Copyright © Personal Life Media. All Rghts Reserved.

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yours to claim. So claim it with your whole being. Practice what I preach. That’s right, practice. Words don’t teach. You have to take action. That can be edgy… believe me, I know. Tim and I had expert guides; you will meet some of them as we go along. All you have to do is make a choice, bring your heart and your soul on this  journey, and walk hand-inhand with your lover into new territory where you will find a love like no other.

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CHAPTER ONE

 The Sexual Soulmate Proposition I don’t believe in relationships that are “divinely ordained” or that people are  “meant for one another.” I don’t think of my husband and I a two halves of one soul, or one whole for that matter, and I would counsel you to let go of that notion. There is no one perfect person out there who “completes” you.

Finding “The One” It’s easy to get seduced by the seemingly endless stream of  magazine articles and blogs that regurgitate the same old list of “signs” that indicate you’ve found your soulmate. You’ll know you’ve created “The One” when you follow this plan so your love affects you so intensely it takes your breath away… when you feel a strong physical as well as an emotional attraction… when you can share all your shame and your fear as well as your desires and your fantasies… when you make love all night long or pillow-talk until the sun comes up… when a certain glance from your lover tells you all you need to know. These are the signs that lead you to believe you’ve won the ultimate romantic prize. Copyright © Personal Life Media. All Rghts Reserved.

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Do a quick Google search and you will find: • The cheat sheet that gives you the “7 Signs You Have Found

 Your Soulmate”  • The life-hack that lists the “18 Signs You’ve Found Your Soulmate”  • “9 Signs You’ve Found Your Soulmate (If You Believe In That Sort of Thing)”  • A blogger’s take on “The 10 Elements of a Soulmate”  • The positive thinking approach: “6 Signs You’re In Relationship With Your

Soulmate”  • “The Eleven Signs You’re Not With Your Soulmate, Even If You Think You Are”  • Wikipedia’s definition of a soulmate: “a person with whom one has a feeling

of deep or natural affinity”  • The enlightened perspective from the forever conscious faction:

 “Someone who is aligned with your soul and is sent to challenge, awaken and stir different parts of you in order for your soul to transcend to a higher…”   You get the picture. But glance over those lists, and you will see all sorts of  romanticized ideals. In my experience, these ideals are superficial and have little to do with the day-to-day moments in time that make up your life together.

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New relationship energy   At first you may “just know” you’re meant for each other. But what happens months later when you’re no longer riding the hormonal wave of new love? That rush, often referred to as new relationship energy, has a lifespan. The initial biochemical love-spell wears off in time. Four months or two years later, you’re looking at your lover thinking, “How did I get here?”   You start to doubt that “feeling in your gut that you’ve found The One,” because you don’t feel it anymore and, in fact, can’t even remember what it felt like. You go from “communicating without speaking” to communicating without listening. The feeling of being “totally comfortable around each other” might sustain, but what good is it if you sit on the couch like two potato heads night after night? That will quash your vitality and age you prematurely. That “palpable physical chemistry” becomes non-reactive no matter how much you palpate it. That strong sense that you’ve “crossed paths before”  morphs into a strong sense that your paths have veered off  in two very different directions.

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She goes from “I can’t imagine life without him”  to “I’d give anything for a weekend alone.”  He becomes emotionally unavailable, the romance stops and he begins to feel like a victim due to the lack of affectionate lovemaking that sustains a man in a marriage. What the authors of those lists about how to know you’ve found your soulmate don’t tell you is what to do when the honeymoon is over.

Forgive the cliché. But this overused phrase points to a tremendous pool of unnecessary pain. So let’s brush aside our dislike of the trite and admit the obvious: the initial thrill that comes when you “find your soulmate” rarely translates to a life full of passion and excitement.  All too often, the feeling that you “complete each other” turns into numbing disappointment and, for some, complete failure in divorce—sometimes serial divorces throughout a lifetime, replaying the same pattern with each subsequent and almost- always younger new wife. So how do you use that weekend of alone-time to increase your desire for your lover and replenish your spirit rather than to find someone new who casts the next love-spell over you?

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How do you kick-start her libido, help her overcome what might be holding her back from a total surrender to her passion with you and get her wanting you again?  You may very well have “shared the same life goals” at the start, but once you reached those goals… now what? That is the question we will explore in this book:  “Now what?” 

Getting “all in” your relationship  To be or not to be “all in” this relationship? That is the question. It’s true. New relationship energy has a lifespan, but that doesn’t mean your relationship has an expiration date. The alternative I offer you in this book is an invitation to get “all in.” And I’m going to show you how to do just that one seductive, delicious step at a time. What I want you to know, and what the Internet cannot tell you is this: divorce is not the enemy. Fear is the enemy. Boredom is the enemy. Fear and boredom. Bad bedfellows. I also want you to know that it is possible for anyone to get

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the passion back and build a relationship that grows over time. You don’t have to resign yourself to boring sex. Make the choice to upgrade your relationship. Decide to cultivate a sexual connection that nourishes both of you. That will make all the difference. What you will find in these pages is an honest conversation that contrasts a soulmate relationship with a sexual soulmate relationship. Listen up. This is a crucial distinction. You and I are about to have the most vital conversation you will ever have about your intimate life. Regardless of where you are now—in a relationship or not, happy with your lover or not, with your soulmate or not, with a lover you’re still hot for or one who’s morphed into a BFF—I invite you to embrace the possibility of  creating rather than finding a soulmate-level lover.

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 A solid foundation of erotic love  So here’s my proposition (No, I’m not getting down on one knee; this is an eye-to-eye, heart-to-heart proposition.) Will you allow me to guide you on this adventure? Will you trust me to open the door and trust yourself to walk through the door to becoming sexual soulmates with your partner? I promise you: if you will set aside your disappointments and past hurts and step into this world of new possibilities, the love you are can become the love you live with another human being who is deeply and passionately in love with you. This isn’t about finding “The One.” It isn’t even about “Being The One.”  It’s about forging a sexual bond that grows so strong it puts a perma-smile on your soul and enlivens your relationship. It’s about building your life together on the solid foundation of  sensual, erotic love. If you accept my proposition, you must adopt the position that sexual soulmates aren’t found, they are made. That will free up a whole lot of energy—powerful energy—you can redirect and use to generate an intimate connection that fulfills you and your lover on every level. That may sound outrageous. But somebody’s gonna do it, so why not you?

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CHAPTER TWO

 The Power of Presence I often talk to clients about being vs. doing in the bedroom. Here’s how that works.  You start with, “Happily ever after.” It’s the gold standard of a relationship. What’s important to know about happiness in relationship, or in any part of life for that matter, is really quite obvious: you have to show up for it. Happiness only happens in the present moment. The same is true

for sexual connection and, ultimately, for the kind of pleasure sexual soulmates enjoy.

Positivity & mindfulness  In the past 15 years, we’ve seen an entirely new branch of psychology emerge that identifies and measures the elements of happiness rather than the elements of dysfunction. The burgeoning field of positive psychology has, at its core, an understanding of the importance of presence in every aspect of life. An entire industry has grown up to teach us to be mindful . Don’t worry. I’m not going to suggest you and your lover sign up for mindfulness training or go on a 10-day silent meditation retreat. What I am going to suggest is that you give up doing altogether in favor of being. What does that mean? Copyright © Personal Life Media. All Rghts Reserved.

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Let go of performance   You’re really going to like this. The simple truth is: if you want to go from just having sex to having a deep soulconnection, you have to let go of the pressure to perform. In fact, I suggest you forget about performance altogether. Save it for the stage, the tennis court, or the sales presentation you make. In my opinion, performance has no place in the bedroom …

unless, that is, you’re watching the Olympic Games while lying in bed. When you focus on performance, you essentially objectify yourself and your lover. You miss the most satisfying aspect of sex: connecting with another. Performance puts too much emphasis on what’s happening in your body, and not enough emphasis on what’s happening in your heart. If you’ve ever laid there trying to have

an

orgasm,

you’re

in

performance mode. Switch to being in your heart, letting whatever is going on for you in that moment show up.

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Your innermost self  The human heart has a unique, timeless quality about it that we might call presence. Lest you think I’m speaking a foreign dialect that you can only understand if you live in California, I want to show you how to access presence right now. Close your eyes and feel around inside until you locate that place where “you”  reside. Think back to your earliest memory. Who were you then? Can you locate a sense of “me” that sustains to this day and hasn’t changed in all these years? That place inside that never changes, that has always been there, that stays with you at every age and through every stage of life? That’s your essence, your innermost self. Feel your way into it. Now you know all you need to know to find your way into the moment. It’s right here. Right now. Always. Know that place inside yourself, bring your presence into the bedroom and watch the magic start to happen. My friend, Geralyn Gendreau, author of The Marriage of Sex &  Spirit says it this way: “Sex isn’t something you do, it’s a place you go.” 

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I call that place loverspace. It’s a unique-to-you love-bubble that allows for vulnerability and self-acceptance, a timeless space where the focus is on fun, not performance, and the primary aim is pleasure, not orgasm. How do you find this precious, private terrain? You create it by understanding and paying close attention to context.

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CHAPTER THREE

Creating Loverspace  You wouldn’t stage a play about city life on a set that looks like a horse ranch, right? Same goes for love-making. You want the set and setting, the “feel” of  time and place to be conducive to flaming sexual desire. In other words: you need to pay attention to the context.

The importance of context  What’s context got to do with it? In a word: EVERYTHING. Let me paint a picture so you can start to grasp what I mean by context.  A man and woman have been dating for a couple of months. Their sexual attraction is off the charts, but they haven’t had intercourse yet. In private, they can’t keep their hands off  each other. Just kissing gets them both incredibly hot, and they love grinding into each other at the hips. She willingly allows him to reach up under her blouse and massage her breasts when the two of them are just hanging out at home, making dinner, watching a movie, even working at the computer. Ever since their third date, they’ve been comfortable getting naked, embracing, kissing, and rolling Copyright © Personal Life Media. All Rghts Reserved.

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around. She especially loves his attention on her luscious booty. Sex is clearly on the horizon. Both of them are a big “Hell yes!” about their relationship. But they have agreed to take it slow and let their attraction ripen so it can be super  juicy when they make love the first time. Then, one Sunday morning, he invites her to go over to his brother’s house with him to watch the game. His brother is single; it will just be the three of them. She’s a football fan and would love to meet his brother. During halftime, the three of them head out to the backyard to grill up some burgers. While waiting for the meat to cook, he pulls her close, reaches his hand down the back of her pants, and starts to stroke her behind. For the first time in the two months they’ve been dating, she gives him the  “no-way, dude” signal by pulling away abruptly. What happened? Right move. Wrong context.

Transform your sex life  It’s obvious that sex doesn’t happen in a void. What’s not so obvious, especially to men, are the subtle factors that make for a context that is conducive to sexual expression.

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Said simply: your woman is a different person every day, and every situation influences how she feels and what she wants in that moment. Her hormonal rhythms require you to check in with what the animal of her body  wants in the moment. Getting her to be more animalistic in bed means you’re sensitive to the environment and context she needs right now to surrender to her desires. One day she might need slow, luxurious lovemaking, and on another day she might want to throw you down on the bed and use your tool as she pleases. The passion between you will increase when you honor these cycles and learn to simply be with what is. Context, in the sense of the right time, place, and mood for sex, is the

intersection

between

the

external circumstances and the mental and emotional state of the lovers involved. In Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will  Transform Your Sex Life , Emily Nagoski, PhD. writes:

 “[Context] is made of two things: the circumstances of the present moment -- whom you’re with, where you are, whether the situation is novel or familiar, risky or safe, etc.,

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-- and your brain state in the present moment -- whether you’re relaxed or stressed, trusting or not, loving or not, right now, in this moment.” It shouldn’t come as much of a surprise to learn that women are generally more sensitive to context than men. The good news is that what a woman wants or doesn’t want isn’t fixed. Said simply: just because she isn’t “into it” right here and right now, doesn’t mean she’s “just not into you.”  I can’t emphasize enough: context is crucial for sexual wellbeing. Moreover, context, when conducive to intimacy, is the doorway that leads into loverspace.

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 A context conducive to surrender  By definition, loverspace is a context wherein you feel safe. At the most basic level, this means your physical safety is assured, you are protected from unwanted pregnancy, you’ve had a fulldisclosure discussion about safe sex, and the two of you are in agreement about whatever protection you need. Beyond that, loverspace is an environment that is comfortable at the mind-body-spirit level. This is especially important for women. She will be far more open in a comfortable environment. The best lovemaking happens when the time, place, and setting are intentionally designed for total relaxation. If it’s chilly in the house, make sure the bedroom is nice and warm. If  it’s a hot summer night, bring a fan into the room. The lighting should be soft and welcoming. Choose music that sets the mood. Turn off your phone to make sure you can settle in without being interrupted. Bring beauty into the room, even if it is a single rose carefully placed in a bud vase next to the bed. If this sounds like a ritual…

well, it is. Carefully and

intentionally set up the loverspace and you engender the surrender to pleasure that is the hallmark of  sexual soulmates.

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 You are creating an environment where you can give yourselves permission to play, to experiment with new and exciting sexual activities. In loverspace, the world falls away and it’s just the two of you. This is the place where rapture can occur as you feel your way into more and deeper pleasure. It’s slow. It’s timeless. It’s deeply connected. It’s where desire builds and builds as you open to what turns you on in the moment.

 You feel safe; your partner feels safe. You create the agreements that allow you to trust each other behind closed doors. Then you introduce something new to do together. It might be a new position, a new technique, a new location, a new fantasy. What keeps sex getting hotter is sharing your secret desires and enjoying the thrill of  variety that keeps things spicy.

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CHAPTER FOUR 

 The Sexual Soulmate Pact When it comes to hot sex, the principle equation is:

Safety + Novelty = Increase In Desire  The safety comes from creating a safe context and a loverspace. The novelty is when you continue to grow sexually together by trying new things.

When

these

two

are

combined in equal measure, desire for each other can grow for the rest of your lives. To find your way into loverspace— that magic place where you and your sexual soulmate can come out to play—it is absolutely essential that the two of you make a few very specific agreements, what I call “The Sexual Soulmate Pact.” 

The importance of agreements  Remember earlier when I talked about combining these practices together to strengthen your relationship so you can Copyright © Personal Life Media. All Rghts Reserved.

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overcome the inevitable obstacles life throws your way? You’re about to see what I mean. We started with presence, the simple practice of being together in the moment. We talked about context and the importance of awareness of  the right time and place, and actively setting the mood. We saw how presence and context creates the unique-to-you lovebubble where both of you feel safe and can enter loverspace. The next layer allows the two of you to enter loverspace in a powerful way by making specific agreements.  Agreements will set you free to explore your pleasures together… to play full-out. Agreements give your love wings. Agreements serve a vital purpose: they establish clear boundaries around your sexual expression. In a very real sense, agreements are the sine qua non, of sustained presence that allow for the growth and expansion I talked about earlier. Agreements also shore up the context and make it evermore conducive to self-expression by increasing safety.

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The specific agreements I recommend here are tried-and-true. I didn’t make them up. They are the foundational tenets of a community of people who are dedicated pioneers in the sex education arena. The objective of these agreements is mutual respect and understanding, which are the bedrock of the Sexual Soulmate Pact. When two people clarify parameters specific to their sexuality, they enjoy certain benefits. Most important is the ability to surrender to pleasure because “the rest” is taken care of. Said another way, you are giving yourselves the green light to be vulnerable. Here are the two agreements I recommend to achieve that end. You may want to make additional agreements as part of your Sexual Soulmate Pact, but these two are especially important.

Feedback loops  Listen up. You are really going to like this part. It is one of  the best-kept secrets sexual soulmates know. It’s the allaccess pass that gets them into an erotic zone that is literally infinite in its pleasure potential.

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 As mentioned earlier, we all have an animalistic nature. Think of it as your hedonistic side, the pleasure-seeking aspect of human beings. I’m not talking greed and gluttony here; I’m talking about the pure joy of having a physical body with inbuilt pleasure circuits. Human beings are hardwired to seek  pleasure and avoid pain. Feedback loops harness the power of that hard-wiring and parlay it into more and more pleasure. The agreement is simple: when you give each other feedback, you are “reporting in from your animal.” This shifts the whole notion of feedback from potentially threatening to totally cooperative; from  “you’re doing it wrong” to “together, we’re figuring what gives the most pleasure.”  Bottom line: you agree to give each other feedback so you can become better and better at making love with your partner. Feedback loops are powerful because they give you both sovereignty over your body. Said simply: you are each responsible for your own experience. You are not expected to read your lover’s mind, to decipher the various sounds and moans, or to know what it means when your partner twists this way or that. By agreeing to be responsible for and communicative about your experience, you give yourselves permission to be vulnerable.

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There are two underlying principles that make for effective feedback loops. Here is principle number one:  You have permission to say whatever you want to say without being polite.

 You know that little alarm in your head that prevents you from saying certain things aloud? The feedback agreement is designed to unplug that alarm. Let your feedback be unfiltered. Censoring yourself  while making love is antithetical to being in the moment. If you have to go into your head and think about what to say or how to say it or how your partner might react, you are no longer in their presence. When you “use your manners,” you essentially make the other person more important than your animal and more important than your pleasure in the moment. We tend to censor ourselves out of fear that what we say might hurt the other person. Women are especially afraid to say something that might be off-putting; it’s just part of  the programming we get as the “softer sex.” You have to overwrite

that

programming

by

giving

yourselves

permission to say anything. Shout it out. Assume your partner is hungry for the information. Which brings us to the second principle.

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Here it is: When your partner blurts out feedback, just say  “Thank you” or “Okay, baby.”  You simply accept and adjust what you

are doing. Because women are hormonally cyclical; their responses vary to sexual stimulation every day. Too hard. Too soft. It’s not her fault; it’s just the capricious animal we are at our core.  Your partner is the authority on their body; by being forthcoming with feedback, they open the way to more pleasure. When you have the agreement of  feedback loops as a foundation for your sexual relationship, the context shifts from, “I did something wrong,”  to, “Thank you for that information.”  There’s no failure, only feedback. That’s what makes the feedback loop so powerful—you choose to make the learning curve more important than your egoistic desire to “do it right.” There is no “right;” there is only right now. And we’re back to presence…. Giving and receiving feedback immediately brings you back into the moment where you can be aware and fully experience the interplay of intimacy. Do not, I repeat, do not shoot the messenger. She’s telling you what her animal desires. She does this by tuning into

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what she wants in the moment and reporting without the expectation that she will do so politely. When

you

simply

honor

her

changeability and say “Thank you,” she starts to trust that you will adjust, which encourages her to open up even more. Few things amplify her turn-on like knowing you are hungry for knowledge. “Thank you” assures her you haven’t taken her feedback as criticism

about

your

style,

only

information about what her body wants. “Thank you,” and “Okay baby,”  keeps her in the theta-brain state of  orgasm, surrendered to your conjoined pleasure trance. The last thing you want to do is flip her into a beta-brain state where she’s thinking and talking rationally, thus silencing her animal. Remember: feedback loops make information the priority and take failure out of the equation.

Polarity: respecting your differences  People often ask me: are men and women really from different planets when it comes to their sexual needs? The

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answer is, yes and no. Men and women have certain general ways of  approaching their sexuality that make each gender unique. The masculine/feminine balance needs to be in place in the bedroom. That’s what’s called polarity. Without it, the charge, the magnetism dissipates. When couples become buddies, the sex becomes platonic. When you say, “We’re family,” you mean: we are like siblings. Not exactly a recipe for hot sex in a marriage. The solution, as you will see, is to make an agreement to respect the fact that you have different needs in the bedroom.

 “Okay,” you might say, “So we make these agreements. Then what? How can we both get our sexual desires fulfilled when what each of us wants seems light years away?” I’m going to share the simple approach that worked for Tim and me, and has worked for thousands of my readers. Before we get to the solution, however, let’s look more closely at the problem… or, what I prefer to think of as the challenge.

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CHAPTER FIVE

 Tending the Flames of Desire Both men and women have sexual drives. Men are hard-wired for sperm competition. Eons of experience have shaped their basic nature to be ever-ready to inseminate a female when she wants it (and sometimes when she doesn’t).

Biological imperatives Women, on the other hand, are driven by two competing biological imperatives. First, we unconsciously seek a stable man who will protect our children and help bring them up. Second, the female version of sperm competition drives us to seek the most attractive, healthy, intelligent sperm donor we can find. And sometimes those are not the same man. The typical man has a consistent desire for sex; his flame is hot most of the time. Women operate in cycles… sometimes hot, sometimes cold, sometimes tepid. During her five-day ovulation window, her desire will be most powerful as will her orgasmic potential. We make a big mistake when we think her dampened interest in sex is due to a lack of libido. More often, she’s simply bored to death Copyright © Personal Life Media. All Rghts Reserved.

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with sex. Or, more to the point, with the same old sex she’s been having with her same old man. Women are like men in that they enjoy variety. That variety naturally arises when she has permission to report what she needs from her animal.

He’s a lightswitch; she’s a  wood-burning stove   You see, once those “new relationship energy” hormones die down, her fire must be tended if you want her to be hot for sex. Said simply: for a couple to have a fulfilling sexual relationship, the man would do well to take the lead and keep her smoldering with desire. Instead, many

men subtly take ownership over her genitals and her sexuality, accidentally shaming her, which shuts down her desires. This kind of attitude, even if unintended, distances her from her sexuality rather than fanning the flames of her desires. Add in her busy life, taking care of children and career, her libido seems a distant memory as she tries to act grown up instead of the silly girl besotted with her new boyfriend. It’s important to understand that men need little to get turned on. He’s like a light switch; she’s more like a wood burning stove. He requires very little, if any, foreplay. She needs a whole lot of attention to get warmed up. And the

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more attention he gives to engorging and opening her, the better the sex will be for her. Which means she will want more sex in general. And this will keep the intimacy bubbling.  You need a strategy that takes into account those waning love hormones. When societal pressures dampen her lusty side, you have to know how to turn up her desire from damp to blazing. You have to take her out of the busy life that short-circuits her wild, slutty panties hanging from the ceiling fan personality. The best strategy I know of is to present her with enticing offers.

Small offers  I have taught thousands of men what I consider the best way to warm her up: make her small offers. The key word here is small. If  you make a big offer like, “Hey, honey. Let’s have sex tonight” you set yourself up for rejection. It is highly likely you will get an immediate “no.” A direct offer for sex undermines your turn-on because you can’t take another rejection. If you shrink and wait for her to initiate, the sex dries up altogether. It is far better for him to step into his masculine leadership and come up with a workaround: an enticing offer she can comfortably accept.

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Remember, big offers create distance and rejection. Small offers bring closeness. Think  two people, right here, right now. Here are some examples of small offers: He might say, "Hey sweetie! It's great to see you tonight. Can I get you a glass of wine?”  Or, “Do you want to sit on the couch and tell me about your day?”   A “yes” is your sign to step it up a bit.  “Would you like a foot massage? Or, “I can rub your neck for you. Would you like that?”  Start small and she may very well say “Yes”  to both. From there, make another offer: “Would you like to get in the hot tub with me?” Don’t suggest a sensual massage right away. You might offer to make dinner together first. If you make an offer that’s too much for her in the moment, back off. And whatever you do, don’t take a negative answer personally. That will just send her back into her own orbit. Simply lower your offer; give her a variety of options until she says “yes” again. The goal is to make these offers so small and irresistible that she gives a string of yeses and becomes more and more open to you sexually.

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CHAPTER SIX 

Get Out of Your Heads and Into Your Bodies Before we go further, let’s review the key elements of your Sexual Soulmate Pact.  You’ve learned about presence, the value of context, ensuring safety and creating a comforting yet exciting loverspace. You’ve laid the groundwork with agreements and understand the value of  feedback loops and polarity.  You’re embracing the practice and learning how to “report from your animal.” These

agreements

are

all

working together and yet she’s, at times, just not interested. He now knows not to shrink but to step forward into his masculine and make more small offers.  You are now prepared to achieve the ultimate goal of a truly fulfilling sex life for both of you. So let’s talk about soulmate sex as it relates to the complex responses that occur in your body when you and your partner share a love-bond.

Your limbic brain: the seat of emotion & connection  It may help you to know that human bonding involves a specific part of the brain—the limbic system. It is distinct from Copyright © Personal Life Media. All Rghts Reserved.

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the forebrain, what we call the neo-cortex, which is responsible for complex thinking and executive decision-making. The limbic brain is also distinct from the base brain, which regulates all the systems in your body from below conscious thought. This is the oldest part of  the

brain,

evolutionarily

speaking,

and

is

sometimes called the reptile brain  because it is responsible for lighting-fast reflexes that ensure our survival. The base brain requires no input from higher brain functions to protect us. For example, imagine someone throws a fastball straight at your head. You don’t have to think it through; your base brain simply kicks in and you duck. There’s no need to consult the neo-cortex, nor ask the limbic brain to weigh in on the decision. Similar to the base brain, your limbic system is not subject to the neo-cortex; it functions independent of rational thinking. Your limbic brain is the seat of emotion and plays a key role in forming and maintaining relationship bonds. Thus, its importance to maintaining a strong connection with your sexual soulmate. The practices that follow will increase the limbic connection with your lover by harnessing the power of physiological processes. Follow these practices and your relationship becomes a natural resource you can draw from to support your physical, emotional and spiritual well-being.

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Look into each other’s eyes   As it turns out, the window to your soul is also a direct line to your limbic brain. I’m not suggesting you sit on meditation pillows and practice eye-gazing, although you could try it if you’re so inclined. What I do recommend is that you experiment with connecting during lovemaking by looking into each other’s eyes, or across the dinner table for that matter. The wondrous, soulful connection that occurs in the shared appreciation of your partner in pleasure is indescribable.

Tune into your hearts  Knowing how to drop in with each other and synchronize your heart rates not only grows the bond between you, it also goes a long way toward reducing stress levels on an everyday basis. We’ll talk  about how to sync your hearts later in this section when I teach you one of my favorite techniques for deepening your connection: The Best Hug in the World.

Breathe together  In the same way you can synchronize your heart rates, you can also coordinate your breathing. A tantric practice known as circular breathing is especially helpful for strengthening

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the bond between sexual soulmates. That’s where the masculine breathes the feminine and she follows his lead. Generally, a man’s lungs are larger, so he has to breathe more shallowly as she breathes more deeply in sync with his rhythm. He breathes in her outbreath. Then she breathes his breath in as he exhales. You’re face-toface and connecting in breath. In addition to the stress-reduction effects, breathing together has a powerful effect on your arousal. The more deeply you breathe all the way into your genitals, the more fire you’ll feel.

Modulate your nervous systems  Breathing together, holding, touching, clearing the air, admiring and appreciating one another—all of these can serve to calm as well as fire up your nervous system. It all depends on what each of you needs in the moment. I’ve found that being calmed first allows me to tap into the fire of desire.  As promised, I am going to teach you one of my favorite techniques for strengthening a sexual soulmate bond that leverages many of the physiological functions we’ve  just discussed.

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The Best Hug in the World  Technique   “What?” You might ask. “Hugging? I want my soulmate to tear my pants off  and climb on top of me cowgirl style, not ask for the best hug she’s ever had. Can we just get to the part where you tell me how to give her the best orgasm in the world?”  I understand why you would ask this question. Stick with me a minute and I will show you why and how the twain will meet. First of all, I think we can agree that lovemaking and stress just plain don’t mix. The primary cause of stress, in a physical sense, is tired nerves. Orgasms reboot the nervous system. But go back to the small offers analogy. You can’t start with orgasm, you have to build to it. The best way to rejuvenate your woman’s tired nerves is to simply hold her in your arms. The magic that makes The Best Hug in the World so effective is your intent. What you are aiming for is to slow down enough to allow your woman to fully surrender into your masculine nature. That masculine-feminine dynamic of protector and protected is a fundamental turn on all humans subconsciously crave. It’s your manly strength and

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power that makes her feel safe enough to relax. Most women need to calm physically and open emotionally before they can surrender sexually, and that is the secret that makes this technique so powerful. So here’s what I want you to do before you even think about having sex, especially when she is stressed or resistant. Invite her to lie on your bed with you.

Say

something

like,

 “Sweetheart, I can see you’re tense, let’s take a break and lie down for a few minutes before we get started on dinner.” If it feels right you might even say, “I’m not taking no for an answer.” This is your first subtle-yet-safe application of masculine power. Once you and your ladylove are horizontal, allow her to nestle comfortably in your arms. Take time to adjust pillows to give your bodies support so you can both completely relax. Pull her close and really hold her. Let her rest her head on your chest or shoulder, or on a pillow on your chest or shoulder. Then wrap your arms around her. Hold her securely. Don’t say anything until you are completely relaxed with each other. Think about how much you adore this woman. Just breathe together in your embrace. Notice how your

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heartbeats slow down. As you inhale and exhale together, your bodies will begin to co-regulate. You’ll have a calming effect on each other as your nervous

systems

start

to

decelerate, allowing tension to release. This is what rejuvenates tired nerves. Be sure you sustain the embrace as she relaxes. What most men do is let go the minute she relaxes. Instead of releasing her as she gradually relaxes, pull her a little closer. A nice palm at the base of her spine, on her sacrum, is very reassuring. Be careful you don’t let your arms become stiff. Leave room to move and adjust. This is a cherished time for nurturing and generating a feeling of safety. Think of it as a sanctuary of sorts where both of you can enjoy a healing experience that lasts however long it takes for you both to feel refreshed. She will let you know when she’s complete. If you cultivate this technique and do it on a fairly regular basis, you and your soulmate will be able to achieve deeper and deeper levels of relaxation. I’ve had hundreds of  readers write to me saying they felt the most loving and calm they’ve ever felt with their partner while doing the Best Hug in the World technique.

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It’s as rewarding for a man to be the bastion of secure love as it is for a woman to be the object of his loving. When

you

hold

her

without trying to get sex, you engender not only her trust, but her desire. From this

place,

you

will

naturally start to appreciate each other and open your hearts more fully.  And that kind of openness is what makes full-body orgasmic release appear on the horizon.

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CHAPTER SEVEN

Erotic Playdates Crazy good sex doesn’t happen by chance. It’s a couples project. Like any other high-priority project, it requires time and energy to make it happen. You might like the idea of having a beautiful vegetable garden, but if you spend all your free time on other pursuits, the garden remains a pipedream. The same is true with your sex life. You may like the idea of having rockin’ good sex into your 50s, 60s, 70s, and beyond, but it will remain a dream unless you put in the energy.

Schedule sex  The daily demands on your time and attention easily fall into half  a dozen categories: work obligations, family activities, social engagements (cyber and otherwise), those favorite distractions you’re not about to give up, the “me-time”  activities that give you a needed break, the self-care habits that keep you healthy. And that’s just the short list. You also have your hair appointments, your doctor visits, your mani-pedis, your errands, and your zoned-out binges on your favorite guilty pleasures—a TV series or some ice cream. It’s enough to make even a savvy time-manager go round the bend.

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Something as crucial to your happiness as a satisfying sex life should not be left up to the shifting sands of your daily schedule. You simply cannot do what most couples do: leave lovemaking in the “whenever we get around to it” category. You need to put it on your calendar. You have to decide that “We’re just too busy”  is no longer an acceptable excuse.  Your busy life requires you to become a badass when it comes to making time for the things that mean the most. And when it comes to your relationship, crazy good sex means everything. It’s hard to be neurotic and orgasmic.  And the couples with the hottest sex lives are the ones most envied. That can be you! But you have to plan for success. That’s why  you absolutely have to schedule sex dates . Better yet, put a sex

date on your calendar at least once a week.  At first, this may seem counter-intuitive. Schedule a sex date? How very unromantic. What about spontaneity? Isn’t that what generates the intensity of a highly erotic encounter?  Yes, spontaneity is a major element of ecstatic sex. But the place to find the kind of spontaneity that leads to complete abandon is within a safe and intentional context. There are no shifting sands here; this is special time you set aside for adult play.

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In a nutshell, I urge you to schedule (yes, I mean put on your calendar) special time for a  “learning date.”  So let’s get down and look at the how-to of  what I call erotic playdates .

Let loose and discover  We’re all familiar with playdates. Adults prearrange a specific time for children to get together and play. What adults rarely do is pre-arrange a specific time to get together with their sweetheart for an interlude of pure fun. I’m a big advocate of setting aside a specific time for you and your lover to let loose and discover one another. No matter how much time you set aside—a minimum of thirty minutes is ideal—leave your to-do list in the other room, mute the ringer on your phone, and turn off  all your devices except the one you need to put on your favorite sensuous musical play list. Next, pick a subject for the playdate. Are you going to practice kissing? Will you teach her how you like your penis stroked and your balls tickled? Will you give her a loving breast and belly massage? The goal of an erotic playdate is not to make love, although you are definitely in for a loving experience. I’m not

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suggesting you rule out lovemaking; I’m suggesting you completely let go of orgasm or intercourse as the goal. The whole point of an erotic playdate is to have fun. It’s a time set aside to learn new ways of communicating communi cating with wit h your lover, lover, to discover each other’s bodies, and to experiment with what gives each of you pleasure. Couples get stuck in in a boring routine in the bedroom for all kinds of reasons, most of them quite common and predictable. If your sex life has become hum-drum, you’re not alone. Few couples escape the slow decline of that sizzling hot attraction that characterizes a new relationship. Without

novelty,

boredom

sets

in.

What

distinguishes couples who get that sizzle sizzl e back and grow into sexual soulmates is also predictable: they do what it takes to get out of the well-worn groove groove they have fallen into to get each other off. Or, in some cases, to transform the resignation that has them settling for a platonic relationship into a devotion to creating a sexual soulmate relationship.  Again, I want to emphasize the importanc importance e of putting a night when the two of you will stay in rather than go out on the calendar. Erotic Playdates set up an intentional context for you and your lover to explore uncharted sexual territory without the subtle pressure to perform. It’s all about playing around in your love bubble,

that special place for experimentation and discovery.

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Even if you think your partner would never be open to erotic playdates, simply scale down the offers and make them right-size, taking into account her current state. Consider that she might be frightened or feel performance anxiety.. Rather than give up, think back to when you first got together anxiety together.. That person is still inside there waiting to be coaxed out for some playful fun.

Focus on fun  The key to a successful Erotic Playdate is that the focus is on having fun together. Most of the time, we approach lovemaking with a focus on intercourse. But women generally don’t want to commit to intercourse until they’re turned on. The name of  the game in an Erotic Playdate is fun, not fornication. When she doesn’t feel pressured for sex, spontaneity arises naturally. It’s very important that you begin as beginners together. When you team up to learn new techniques, you naturally open up to each other. You begin to trust your newfound ability abili ty to talk about the hard stuff. I’m not talking erections, although that is certainly a worthy topic of  discussion over a romantic dinner. You learn to trust your own bodies, to follow your pleasure rather than push for it, to move through learning curves and not give up if you don’t get it right the first time, to laugh and cry and scream. This intentional context is what allows you to rekindle your desire for each other and become sexual soulmates. Tim and I made this magical transition with the guidance of our friend and mentor, Dr. Patti Taylor. We were so impressed with Dr. Patti’s life-changing work, we asked her to author a

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program progr am on her method. The result was was our most most popular online training, Expand Her Orgasm Tonight , which details 21 super-fun Erotic Playdates, what she terms  “Sandbox Dates. D ates.”” It’s important i mportant to start small and build your sensual repertoire before you enter overtly sexual terrain.

Play with new sexual  techniques   An Erotic Playdate is for the purpose of developing your sexual skills as a couple. There is a delicious anticipation to an Erotic Playdate when you know you are going to practice a new sexual technique. Treat it like a dinner date. Instead of  searching around and looking at different restaurants, restaurants, checking out the menu, the prices, the daily specials, search around and find a new technique you’d you’ d like to try. try. You You can do this together togeth er just as you might if you were choosing a place to eat, or you might decide to take turns selecting something new and delectable to try on your date. (You can download an amazing

variety

of

ideas

from

my

website:

personallifemedia.com)) personallifemedia.com  You  Y ou might have an Erotic Playdate that’s all about giving each other an erotic massage, or improving your oral sex skills, or finding her G-spot (it’s (it ’s actually an area, not a spot).

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Some couples even follow along on my Steamy Sex Ed® Video Collection. These are videos that show heart-connected couples demonstrating over 200 advanced lovemaking techniques. When Tim and I were repairing our sex lives, we found that watching sexual techniques videos gave us confidence from our newfound skills. Many couples have turned on the erotic massage video and just followed along stroke by stroke as their partner laid there and enjoyed the sensational ride. On an Erotic Playdate, you are encouraged to practice giving each other feedback. Typically, lovers are either afraid to ask for what they want, or they have no idea what they want. They only know that what they are experiencing isn’t it. But they don’t have the freedom or permission to give their lover feedback.  An Erotic Playdate is all about the feedback loop because the context is: we’re here to learn, to try new things, to experiment and discover what makes each other feel crazy good. You learn to escalate your passion by working together. Scratch that. You learn to escalate your passion by playing together.

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CHAPTER EIGHT

 The Adventure of a Lifetime By now you can see why Sexual Soulmates don’t “just happen.” So let’s recap what you’ve learned. • Sexual Soulmates are co-created. • Relating from your heart in real-time moves you out of performance mode. • Loverspace takes the pressure off and allows your arousal to build naturally. • Erotic playdates provide that much-needed variety that sustains desire. • Your Sexual Soulmate Pact puts two specific agreements in place and

establishes new conventions: giving feedback and making information the priority by saying “Thank you.” Together, these agreements give your animal permission to give each other incredible pleasure. • Women need warm-up; enticing, right-sized offers get her in the mood. • Get out of your heads and into your bodies with The Best

Hug in the World before starting to make love. The move from soulmates to sexual soulmates is an outrageous adventure, a love-drenched journey of epicerotic proportions. The terrain ahead is vast and exciting.  Yes, you’ll face challenges; that’s part of what makes the adventure such a thrill. You and your partner will find your way through every up and down, every climb, every descent, every curve and bump, every libido lull and explosive orgasm—together.

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Developing mastery  There are three essential requirements for developing mastery in any arena. The first is an attitude of openness, curiosity, and eagerness—what we could call beginner’s mind. The second is the ability to let go of preconceptions when learning something new. The third is stick-to-itiveness. Think about it. Any time you develop a new skill, grow in a new direction, or expand into new territory, you start by receiving new information, then you do something you haven’t done before, and—all the while—you are letting go of your old way of looking at and interpreting reality. Rinse, repeat. This applies to everything from learning to walk to becoming sexual soulmates. The more often you slip into loverspace and enter into that delicious erotic trance together, the easier it is and the longer and deeper you go. Like meditation, the more you practice the richer the practice becomes.

Live your heart’s desire Imagine having a connection with your lover that begins anew… every time. Lovemaking is different and exciting… every time. Something delicious and beautiful happens between you that has never happened before… every time. No more ordering off the same old menu. You’re lovemaking connoisseurs.

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What I most want you to hear is this: all you have to do is decide. Once you choose this path and devote yourself to it, everything changes.  You are no longer subject to a fated relationship that satisfies some but not all of your needs and desires. I’m talking to both of you when I say: Decide you’re worth it. Decide to live your heart’s desire. Step into a new world. Design your destiny as a couple.  As sexual soulmates, you will live that quintessential, dynamic

pairing

that

Richard Bach describes as:  “… someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are.”  When that happens, you will have created the rarified romantic relationship so many of us long for at our very core: sexual soulmates.

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