Scl Reviewer

Basic Realities of Marriage Marriage as a Profound Human Reality  Marriage is a human secular reality but at the same time tied with the sacred, thus, making it also a sacred reality.  Marriage is considered a human institution, at the same time a divine institution  Marriage is ordinarily understood as a “state”, but this can be better appreciated if it is also understood as an “event” that continues in the life of married couple.  Marriage as a union of a man and woman can be considered a contract and yet its meaning is enriched in the context of a covenant  Marriage is a deeply personal affair between two persons in love and yet it introduces the couple not only to a human procreative community but also to a greater community affected by their marital life.  It takes recognition and understanding of the various human and divine facets of marriage to make this covenant and personal affair become what it should be, the way GOD planned: a loving union of husband and wife, parents and children, in community with God.

Characteristics of a Fulfilling and Lasting Marital Relationship Happy couples feel at home with each other from the start.  The partner feels a sweeping sense of connection, of shared values. Sometimes their sense of fit is sexual; sometimes its emotional; frequently both. This rapport includes a delicate balance of friendship, which is based on sameness, and passion which is based on difference. The tension creates and sustains a vital marriage. Happy couples don’t hold grudge.  Couples like them have a capacity for resolution. They try to resolve their arguments in various ways. Some set a policy of never going to bed angry; other couples instead go to bed angry in order to sleep it off. The important policy is that the couple should find a way to resolve their conflict and hold no grudge against each other. Happy couples share routines and dreams.  Routines do not only produce happiness, but they also instill confidence and trust in the natural and practical existence of the marriage. From this day to day comfort, happy couples can move to the deeper realm of shared dreams and work together for the realization of their dreams. Happy couples look for the best  Couples thrive when spouses focus on what is good and true in the other. Marriage will be strong in the face of temperament if the partner will not focus on his or her dark thoughts.  Married couples should learn to see the best, develop the best, and expect the best in their spouses. Happy couples learn to change  Many couples experience a great deal of change through the course of their marriage. It may not be a good idea to go into marriage hoping that the partner will change, but the fact is that the people do change; for they cannot help but change.  A good marriage helps people change for the better. Happy couples understand the importance of sex.  A good marriage rests upon friendship, respect, commitment – qualities that endure when passion wanes. Sex is not everything,

but it may be something that gives zest and vibrance to the relationship.

Happy couples do not struggle for the upper hand.  There is an equal standing in a happy marriage. Competition is not the name of the game but collaborative effort in order to make the relationship work. Couples experience no power struggle even in financial matters. Couples in marriage complete each other rather than compete with each other. Happy couples describe their mate as their best friend.  “Happines is being married to your best friend.” It means that couple spends large amount of time together, talking, working, and laughing. Whatever they want to do with their lives, they want to do it together; they simply enjoy each other above all others.

Dimensions of the Family The Family as the Cell of the Society  The Family is the smallest unit of the society, the basic component fundamental to the life of the society. Society has to recognize its identity and to accept its status as a subject in its organizational setup.  The family is the natural environment where the first seeds of development are nurtured, where the child, like sponge, absorbs everything necessary for its growth. The Family as the Domestic Church  As the domestic church, otherwise known as as the church of the home, the Christian family shares in the life and mission of the Church. The Church becomes the evangelizing community in the measures that it accepts and practices gospel values.  In the family, which is conscious of its mission, all the members evangelize and are evangelized.  It is where we come to exercise the daily Christian virtues of generous self- giving in active charity, in mutual forgiveness and obedience, in prayer and thanksgiving.  at a time when the Philippine society is becoming more depersonalized, the family constitutes an irreplaceable school in developing, guarding and transmitting the social virtues and values of respect, dialogue, generous service, justice and love

Aspects of Effective Communication Among Family  Members 

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The main factor of conjugal happiness and success is communication. In fact through communication disagreements are minimized, expectations are blended and common causes of action are chosen. Communication is not an easy process. The main reason which often prevents people from practicing it is the lack of knowledge of their own feelings and reactions.

Aspects of Effective Communication 1. Listening  Listening requires attentiveness  Listening requires an attitude of openness and respect  Listening requires both hearing words and sensing feelings  Listening requires a validating response, not necessarily an answer 2. Non-Verbal Signal  An important part of the listening is to discern not only what is expressed orally but what is shown by the eyes, facial expression. A good listener listens not only to the sound of spoken words but also to the sound of silence. 3. Directness  A good communicator does not resort to hazy suggestions and innuendoes that contaminate the message, which could prove disastrous in any form of communication. 4. Clarity  Communication should be concise and clear. Verbosity and decorative words cause much distraction and confusion. Dialogue Between Partners  Dialogue is a slow process

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Dialogue lies in the readiness of each partner to listen fully to each other Dialogue between partners should be covered with the veil of privacy Dialogue requires time

Main Subjects for Dialogue -Dialogue is a very rewarding process, which brings about a lot of peace and joy especially when these topics become the main subjects for dialogue.  Meaning of life  Mutual affection and love  Sexual achievements and failures  Spiritual experiences and experience of the Divine Enhancing Husband-Wife Relationship (John Hiltz)  communicating non-verbally  communicating as adults  communicating as children  communicating as husband and wife  communicating emotionally  communicating spiritually  communicating mutual and diverse interest  communicating socially  communicating culturally  communicating man’s /woman’s condition The harmony, which the partners are able to achieve in their mutual relationship, is the only source of happiness which they have at their disposal. Nothing else but their deep understanding and unity can fill with joy all the moments they spend together. But this harmony and happiness are not the result of chance; they can be achieved only through long efforts, supported by love and guided by reflection and dialogue. Strengthening Family Relationships

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Learn about yourself. Describe your feelings. “I feel sad,” or “I feel like crying.” Say what you mean in a simple,direct way. Describe how other people’s behavior affects you without blaming or evaluating. Don’t avoid talking about something that is very important to you because you are afraid of how the other person may respond. Be aware of your non-verbal communication. Look at each other in the eyes during conversation.

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Find time to communicate. Effective family communication isn’t easy. Learning new communication patterns takes practice. But taking time to communicate is even more important than practicing techniques.

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Practice good communication & negotiation skills. There are bound to be differences of opinion. It’s okay to say what you want. It’s helpful to communicate your expectations early. Use the skills that you have learned in your friendships or in your work life in your family life. If you need some practice, look for a workshop or class on communication skills.

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Take a time-out. A walk around the block, an afternoon by yourself or some time alone reading a book or doing something you enjoy can help you reconnect with yourself during extended family time

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Learn when to seek help. If past conflicts or feelings from events in the past keep cropping up, it may help to talk it over with a helping professional. Similarly, if it doesn’t feel emotional or physically safe to be with family members, it’s time to get some assistance.

In hard times and good times,family members need each other. Communication is an essential factorin strengthening family relationships,nurturing each person’s growth and self-esteem, and showing love and appreciation.

Finally, the family, the community of love and life cannot survive without effective and authentic communication, the lifeblood of any relationship

God’s Design for Marriage Genesis Accounts of Creation:  Genesis Chapter 1: Priestly Account  Genesis Chapter 2: Yahwist Account  V.27. So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him;male and female he created them.  V.28. God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground.” Genesis 1: Procreative Dimension  It reveals the PROCREATIVE dimension of marriage:  “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. (Gen. 1: 28)  One purpose of marriage is procreation or the building of a family  This procreation is only possible between a man and woman.  “male and female he created them...” Gen. 1:27

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Complementarity of the sexes

Genesis Chapter 2 v7. The LORD God formed the man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being. v18. The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” v21. So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs† and closed up the place with flesh. v22. Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib† he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. v23. The man said,“This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh;she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” v24. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.   

God gifted man with the gift of sexuality. “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” Gen. 2: 18 GIFT OF SEXUALITY - a response of God to man’s longing to be with another “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh...” Gen 2:23

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This verse reveals to us the UNITIVE dimension of marriage. Marriage is meant to unite the man and the woman and bind them into one. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” Gen. 2:24

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character: Exclusive and Permanent

Original Human Experiences (Theology of the Body by Pope John Paul II)  Original Solitude  Original unity  Original nakedness  Original sin

Original Solitude  Alone with God  In the presence of God  Intimacy with God  Something missing…  Lone human being Original Unity  Alone with another human being  Created to be relational  Capacity to give and to receive  Intersubjectivity: They were one in their thoughts.  They could participate in the freedom of the gift.  They were transparent to each other.  They were a Communion of Persons.  They did not use each other.  They simply delighted in each other. Orinigal Nakedness  Symbolizes freedom  Openness  Intimacy  Absence of disordered passions Before Original Sin  Order and Harmony o Man- God = intimacy and openness o Man-woman = mutual attraction and love o Man-rest of creation= respect and care

Original Sin  Temptation of the serpent  The desire to be like God  Disobedience  Abuse of Freedom  Pride  Arrogance  Guilt and shame  They realized they were naked

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They hid and tried to cover their naked bodies Nakedness symbolizes now shame and guilt Malice entered the scene Mutual attraction and love turned into domination and lust Original nakedness was lost

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Man felt the guilt of disobedience Man blamed the woman The woman, in turn, put the blame on the serpent Break in the relationship and communication Original order and harmony were disturbed Original unity was lost Pride caused man to desire more than what he ought to be

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Led to abuse of freedom Pride and arrogance prevented man from humbly admitting his mistakes Guilt and shame led them to leave the garden Man’s intimacy with God, with the woman and with the rest of the world was affected Original solitude was lost

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Consequences of the Fall of Man  Before   Mutual attraction and  affection   

Woman Man

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Serpent

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After Domination and lust Emergence of sexual hierarchy Pain in childbirth Needs to work and to till the soil to have something to eat Will crawl on his belly and eat the dusts on the ground

Relationship between the man and the woman Sexual hierarchy led to the domination of man over the woman Woman would assert her right and try to rule it over the man It led to the mixing and interchanging of gender roles as a result of their confused understanding of their respective roles Emergence of confused sexual identity and behaviors Continuous struggle and rivalry between the man and the woman.

   God’s original plan and design for marriage was affected by man and woman’s disobedience of God.   By his refusal to acknowledge God’s plan of love , man severed his relationship with God and thus lived his life outside His grace .   All future generations especially in the area of marriage and family would experience the effect of this damaged relationship causing heartaches, sufferings, separations , brokenness and even death. 

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Marriage is for adults Marriage has a great scope for the fulfillment of personal needs and happiness. But it involves great responsibilities and duties. Therefore it requires that those who enter it be mature enough to take up the new task with the determination of fulfilling it properly.

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It is clear that for this purpose a mere biological and sexual maturity is not sufficient, but more important is the maturity in the intellectual, social, emotional and spiritual fields. Intellectual Maturity lies in the ability to understand persons, events, situations and problems and the capacity to formulate one’s ideas, opinions and judgment without depending on others. It requires that one has reached a certain level of education and has succeeded at least at an initial stage, in giving a meaning and a purpose to one’s life. Social Maturity is evident when one can relate oneself to others in a selfless and responsible way without thinking only in terms of immediate wish fulfillment or satisfaction of personal desire. The main signs of social maturity are respect for others, honesty, frankness and courage, joined with the ability to provide whatever a family needs Spiritual Maturity is identified as “Christian” when the person intending to make decisions and take actions does so based on the perspective and principles of Christian faith, assisted by grace. It simply means, here is a mature person who is Christian and acting the Christian way. For Christians, a man and a woman in marriage are not simply two human persons relating to and loving each other, but it is a Christian man and a Christian woman loving each other like the love of Christ for the Church; and loving each other as Christ loves them.

The maturity which marriage requires is not the achievement of one day. Therefore it is important that young people be instructed about it at an early stage of their growth, so that they may be able to orient themselves towards the whole process of personality development.

 Marriage, Family, and the Society        

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The marriage relationship is at the very heart of the moral fiber of any people. Our nation is being vitally affected by what its people are doing in regard to marriage. The moral fiber of the nation cannot rise above its attitudes and practices in marriage. The family is the basic unit of the society. Once it is broken our nation will suffer. It is estimated that the average child will spend, between birth and twenty one, ninety two thousand hours in the home; thus as the home goes, so goes the nation “If there is righteousness within the individual there will be happiness within the home; if there be happiness within the home there will be harmony in the nation; if there be harmony in the nation there will be peace in the world.” A civilization is sound as the homes that make up that civilization are sound; and a civilization is weak when the homes that make up that civilization are weak The stability of our social order depends upon the basic institution of the home, and the stability of the home depends upon the moral and spiritual integrity of the husband and wife.” (Carl Spain) “People who marry will, in that marriage gain a little taste of heaven or a little taste of hell. Marriage can either degrade or elevate every person who is involved in it. t will either tend to integrate one’s personality and help him to be the kind of person he should be, or else it will tend to disintegrate his personality.” (Thomas Warren) “The highest happiness on earth is in marriage. Every man who is happily married is a successful man even if he has failed in everything else. And every man whose marriage is a failure is not a successful man even if he has succeeded in everything else. “ (William Lyon Phelps) The atmosphere (love or hate) in which children grow up will determine their personalities. What happens in the home, good

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or bad, will also vitally affect the lives of parents, friends and other family members. Marriage is the foundation of the family; and the family is the basic unit of the society. Any attack on marriage is an affront to the family; any attack on the family is an attack to the society.

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 Marriage in the Old Testament Marriage according to God’s Plan  In the book of Genesis, God revealed His purpose for establishing marriage:  Union of Man and Woman – exclusive and permanent  Procreation (building up of a family) - fruit of the union  To raise children and to establish a family who will form part of God’s coming Kingdom  Original Plan of God Affected by Sin  Union of man and woman was broken  mutual attraction and affection led to domination and lust  emergence of sexual hierarchy  continuous rivalry and struggle to gain the upper hand  Procreation- Became the primary purpose of marriage  Marriage as Practiced in the Old Testament  Marriage and society in the OT was characterized by the o patriarchal-genealogical emphasis  Men were considered the authority in the home and in the society  Women were discriminated and treated as 2nd class citizens  Worth of women was measured in terms of their procreative abilities and capacities  Functions of Marriage in the OT  Procreation became the primary function of marriage while the covenant union between the man and woman became merely secondary  Children were considered blessings from God  They believed that ‘the more children you have the more you are blessed”

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Barrenness and sterility of a woman were considered a curse or punishment from God A male child is preferred over a female child Marriage became a means to propagate and to continue one’s family line

 Marital Practices in the OT  (Patriarchal – Genealogical Emphasis)  Superiority of man over woman  More emphasis on procreation than on the union  of man and woman  Because of the belief that children are blessings, it gave rise to polygamy and concubinage  Failure of a woman to give her husband a child used as a ground for divorce  Only the husband can initiate a divorce  Levirate marriage became a practice to continue the family line  Marriage in the OT  Marriage in the OT was a reflection of the brokenness brought about by original sin. The order and harmony that were present after God created the world was replaced with separation and division, brokenness and woundedness, loneliness and isolation, chaos and disorder.   These effects were very much evident in the area of marriage especially that of the relationship between the husband and the wife.  superiority of man  discrimination against women in the home and society  treatment of women as simply baby-makers  Preference to a male child over a female child at birth   The original unity between the man and woman turned into domination and lust  How did it affect us?   Many of the practices developed and practiced in the OT times were carried over to the next generations  Traces of these practices are still evident in our present times and present society  The relationship between the man and woman has always been fragile and in danger.

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Things have never been the same since then What we are experiencing now are reflections and effects of what happened before

 Contemporary Practices Opposed to God’s Plan for Marriage   C – Concubinage  A – Adultery  S – Seduction  A – Acts of lasciviousness  R – Rape  A – Abortion  P – Polygamy/ Prostitution / Ponography         