Rules of Life

RULES OF LIFE Rule 1: Never forget your girlfriend’s birthday Steve Whyley

FADE IN: INT. RESTAURANT - EVENING. A modern Italian restaurant that is packed with guests. STAN, a 30 something man, who wears glasses and looks like he is in need of losing some weight is speaking to a WAITER. STAN (out of breath and sweating) Cramp. Cramp! STAN drops to the floor and starts screaming in pain prompting the people at the restaurant to look round at the commotion. WAITER Quick get this man a chair. Another waiter passes the WAITER a chair. The WAITER hoists STAN onto the chair but STAN is still writhing in pain. The WAITER, concerned at all the noise, lifts STAN through the restaurant. Whilst STAN is on the chair STAN passes someone he recognises. THE INTERVIEWER Not your day is it son? The WAITER carries STAN through the restaurant and places him out back in the kitchen. STAN gets out his phone and on to his Rules of Life Twitter account and types SUPERIMPOSE: Whatever you do, don’t forget your girlfriend’s birthday. TITLES INT. LOUNGE - EARLIER THAT DAY. TITLE: EARLIER THE SAME DAY FADE IN: The lounge is a student looking type of living area, pizza boxes adorn the floor, there are DVD’s scattered everywhere. The lounge is very dark and unwelcoming. STAN is sitting on the sofa, in a very ragged dressing gown, watching TV gormlessly. It is early morning and STAN looks half asleep. (CONTINUED)

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2.

EMMA is a late twenties, curvy blonde. She is better looking than Stan but not intimidatingly so. She is wearing a ’Ramones’ vest top, with a blazer and a pair of heels. EMMA Can you put the rubbish out? STAN Will do, just give me five. Just watching Aled and Lorraine. They’re magic. EMMA Fine, I’ll do it myself then. STAN (V/O) Why do you always need a job to be done that instant? EMMA walks through the lounge huffing and puffing dragging the rubbish. She knocks something over on the way through. It is a large birthday card that says ’Happy 30th birthday to the best daughter in the world’. STAN picks up the birthday card and puts it back on the coffee table. His attention immediately goes back to the television. STAN notices that EMMA looks very annoyed. STAN (V/O) She’s playing the ’pretending nothing is wrong when something clearly is’ game. That universal game that all women seem to know. CUT TO: DREAM SEQUENCE INT. KITCHEN - MORNING STAN is buttering his toast in his dressing gown. STAN (V/O) If it’s like last time then I’ve got up to three guesses before she erupts and snaps. EMMA enters, clutching a knife really tightly, walks across the room towards STAN. STAN’s Eyebrows raised in terror as EMMA approaches him with a knife.

(CONTINUED)

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3.

STAN (V/O) Just don’t guess wrong otherwise... CUT TO: INT. KITCHEN - HOUR LATER STAN lying motionless on the floor, covered in blood. END DREAM SEQUENCE CUT TO: INT. LOUNGE - MORNING EMMA enters the lounge and sits down on the sofa. STAN (V/O) Get her talking. About anything. Just invent something. Something to break this brutal silence and avoid this stupid game. STAN I’ve told Hursty that we’ll be going to his thirtieth bash. Hope that’s ok? EMMA Fine. Did you get him a card? STAN I don’t do cards for mates but got him a great present. Got him the Blade Trilogy. EMMA So you bought him a present? STAN Yes, the Blade Trilogy. EMMA You’re unbelievable. STAN (confused) Thank you?

(CONTINUED)

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4.

EMMA It wasn’t a compliment. STAN (V/O) Brilliant. Don’t tell me what’s wrong will you. Let me spend the morning guessing. I really enjoy it when we do this. Time for a guess. STAN Are you mad at me because I’ve dropped down to two kisses on texts? EMMA (scrunches her face) No! Was you born an idiot? CUT TO: DREAM SEQUENCE INT. HOSPITAL - MORNING MOTHER screaming, DOCTOR delivers crying baby. DOCTOR I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but this boy is an idiot. MOTHER starts to cry. END DREAM SEQUENCE CUT TO: INT. LOUNGE - MORNING STAN But I thought girls got mad at things like that?! EMMA Well, I’m not like that am I? And anyway, who analyses how many kisses they put on the end of texts?

(CONTINUED)

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5. STAN (V/O) You, that’s who. STAN Ok, you’re right. Sorry. EMMA When are you going to wake up and realise you’re in an adult relationship? STAN Alright, calm down.

STAN then speaks in a Scouse accent to relieve the tension. STAN Hey, calm down, calm down. EMMA looks at STAN with fury. STAN (V/O) Why do the accent? EMMA (annoyed) So this is all a big joke to you is it? STAN No it is not, but I don’t know what to say because I don’t know what’s wrong?! EMMA begins to clench up her hands. STAN (V/O) What is that weird rash thing on her arm? Why has her face suddenly gained a pinkish hue? STAN Was it Blade? Did you want a different ending? Did it not live up to the hype? EMMA No, you absolute moron! Are you incapable of having an adult conversation? (BEAT) Oh and why we’re on the subject, I don’t like Wesley Snipes. I never have done. (CONTINUED)

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6. STAN (V/O) (gobsmacked) And breathe.

EMMA is seething, stands up and begins to tidy angrily. STAN (V/O) What have I forgotten? Did she see me pee in the bath? Could be...but do I want to bring that up? Such a risk if that isn’t the issue, although it could deflect attention from this thing that I had done. No, if she finds out I’ve pee’d in the bath then she will never have a bath with me again. I am in trouble. What could it be? (BEAT) This must be big - look at her, she’s fuming. STAN Is it that I said you had gained weight recently? STAN (V/O) Now this is a huge moment. I don’t know why I originally said it a week ago. CUT TO: FLASHBACK INT. BEDROOM - EVENING EMMA is zipping up a nice dress. STAN has not bothered to get ready yet and is just reading a magazine on the bed. EMMA is looking at her bum in the mirror. EMMA Look at me, have I gained weight? STAN looks up from his Star Trek magazine and looks over in EMMA’S direction. STAN Only slightly. STAN looks down at the magazine, then immediately back up towards EMMA, his eye’s shocked at his own words.

(CONTINUED)

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7.

STAN (V/O) That was a mistake. That could’ve been forgiven, why have I brought it back up with this audience? Relationship suicide man. END FLASHBACK CUT TO: INT. LOUNGE - MORNING EMMA looks at STAN with sheer disdain. EMMA NO. No, you idiot, it’s not that. STAN Then what have I done? Is it Hursty’s birthday, do you not want to go? Should I have asked you first? EMMA I’ve got to go to work. STAN Please don’t. Please stay! We need to sort this and I need your help for the interview. EMMA Well you should’ve thought of that before. You really are so selfish. STAN Selfish? I’m trying to get a new job for you. For... EMMA For me? STAN Yes. EMMA Rubbish. You just can’t handle Housham anymore. Don’t you dare make me feel bad.

(CONTINUED)

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8. STAN I wasn’t trying to. And it’s not Housham. Look at us, we need our own place. The landlord should be paying US for living here. EMMA I’ve got to go to work. STAN I’m sorry. Please can we sort this?

EMMA departs slamming the door behind her. STAN (V/O) Just tell me how I mucked up. Oh shut up Lorraine, don’t look at me like that. FADE TO BLACK: FADE IN: INT. OFFICE FOYER - MORNING STAN walks into the office, passes two security guards, and taps his pass to let him in to the building. STAN walks through reception. STAN (V/O) My girlfriend hates me and I’ve got to somehow get out of here at two for an interview. Life is just brilliant. STAN gets to the lift area and pushes the lift button. A large group of people arrive, STAN ushers them into the lift and waits for the next one. Lift doors open. It is empty. STAN enters. His face is visibly smug. The lift is quite a cramped lift. STAN strolls in to the lift and looks at himself in the lift mirror and begins squeezing a spot. STAN casually presses number seven on the panel and leans on the little rail that runs round the interior of the lift. STAN (V/O) Can’t beat an empty lift. The lift doors close. The lift doors immediately open. A Rastafarian strolls in slowly listening to his reggae music.

(CONTINUED)

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9.

STAN (V/O) No not the Buffalo Soldier. Another three people enter - SUE and PAM - fifty something natterers. And a very smart man in a suit. STAN (V/O) No, no, no - not eighth floor Sue. I have to hide, I cannot talk to Sue. Pointless chat. I don’t care about you Sue. Hopefully she will not see me. How can I hide? I am in a six foot square lift. STAN attempts to move behind the Rastafarian and then with a look of sheer horror sees SIMON the security guard entering with a bike. STAN (V/O) You have to be kidding. We can’t get a bike in here! We already have the soldier, Pam, Sue, Tie Rack and me. STAN frantically presses the close button on the lift. The doors are part closed when BARRY - fat, sweaty and grinning enters holding a Starbucks coffee. STAN (V/O) Not Barry. Barry needs a wash. Barry needs to diet. Barry needs to brush his teeth. The doors close. STAN (V/O) So I wanted to hide from Sue and instead I am smack in her grill practically kissing her. Brilliant. SUE Hi Stan. STAN (V/O) Oh God Sue don’t speak. I don’t like you Sue. I have never liked you Sue. STAN Hi Sue, keeping well? SUE Mustn’t complain, how is life down on the seventh?

(CONTINUED)

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10.

STAN (V/O) Sue it’s one floor difference. What do you think we have down here - a giant trampoline and gallons of 7UP? (BEAT) The only difference between floors eight and seven is a number. STAN Yes not bad Sue...very busy at the moment, you know how it is. STAN (V/O) I have no idea how it is. SUE This is for Emma. SUE passes Stan an envelope with EMMA’s name on it. STAN (V/O) How does Sue know Emma? Maybe she means Emma Bunton? STAN Thanks Sue. SUE Hope she likes it. STAN (V/O) Imagine if I was with Emma Bunton. What am I talking about? The lift stops at the second floor. A man enters the lift, it is HOUSHAM. HOUSHAM looks annoying. He is small and rotund; he wears irritatingly big glasses and a pin striped suit. He has two badges on his lapels that read health and safety officer and fire monitor. STAN (V/O) Oh god please, anyone but Housham. HOUSHAM doesn’t notice STAN. BARRY slurps his coffee very loudly. SUE reacts by tutting. STAN (V/O) Sue’s raging. Absolutely raging.

(CONTINUED)

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11.

SUE Yeah I am really busy too...what do you make of the restructure? STAN (V/O) I didn’t even ask you a question Sue! I don’t care about the restructure - the sooner I am out of this company the better. STAN It’s shocking isn’t it? So many innocent people, all those families affected. All because of those fat cat bankers. STAN (V/O) I love those bankers, I wish I was one. SUE So true Stan, so true. HOUSHAM Good morning Stanley, I didn’t see you hiding there. STAN (V/O) It’s Stan. STAN Morning. HOUSHAM Some rare wise words from you. STAN (V/O) Fuck off Housham. STAN It’s something I am very passionate about. BARRY’s slurping is getting louder and louder. STAN (V/O) Barry no. No Barry, no. Sue, keep it together. Housham is going to pipe up here. (BEAT) Pam is desperately trying to stay away from any eye contact. Pam the model lift customer. (CONTINUED)

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12.

DING BARRY and the man in the suit exit on the third floor. SIMON also begins to move his bike out forcing PAM, SUE and STAN to temporarily leave the lift to allow SIMON to exit. They re-enter the lift along with another man who has a guide stick and immediately people move to give him space. STAN moves ever so slightly and is now on the right side with HOUSHAM behind him. SUE and PAM have moved over to the left. HOUSHAM can’t see the blind man as he is looking at his blackberry. BLIND MAN Can you press four please? A very loud audible ’sigh’ from Housham is heard. STAN (V/O) I appreciate there are few perks involved with being disabled - car parking space aside, but one massive plus must be that he doesn’t have to justify not walking the one floor. BLIND MAN Who just sighed? Lift remains quiet but PAM and SUE stare at STAN. HOUSHAM looks up from his phone and sees the blind man. He immediately recoils and begins to squirm. STAN (V/O) What have I done? I didn’t sigh, that was clearly Housham. BLIND MAN Let me guess, you sighed because I am going up one floor. Well I am sorry I am blind, how inconvenient of me. STAN (V/O) Brutal! SUE Stan you should really apologise. STAN (V/O) Apologise? What have I done? STAN looks at HOUSHAM who has a weird grin on his face.

(CONTINUED)

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13. STAN Sorry Sue what was I meant to have done exactly? BLIND MAN So you’re not even apologising? HOUSHAM This is pretty pathetic Stanley.

’DING’ BLIND MAN Are you sure I am ok to leave or would you be happier if I rode the lift all day? STAN (V/O) What the heck is happening? STAN I didn’t do anything! BLIND MAN exits. SUE That was pretty disgusting Stan. You could have at least apologised to the poor man. STAN (frustrated) How do you know he was even blind? STAN (V/O) Ah Stan that’s not smart. RASTAFARIAN MAN What did you just say? HOUSHAM stares at STAN STAN (V/O) Breathe. STAN It wasn’t me who sighed. I’m sorry but it honestly wasn’t. SUE And to make it worse you think he’d make up the fact he was blind? What sort of animal do you think he is?

(CONTINUED)

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14.

PAM I am surprised at you Stan. STAN (V/O) Oh come on! Not Pam as well STAN (stuttering) It wasn’t me who sighed. It was... ’DING’ Lift doors open. STAN and HOUSHAM are forced to make their exit. SUE (tilting her head) Goodbye Stan. STAN But Sue, Sue. The lift doors close. INT. FLOOR FIVE FOYER - MORNING STAN and HOUSHAM move their way to the door. HOUSHAM Got something against blind people Stanley? STAN I liked your ex wife. HOUSHAM She wasn’t blind? STAN (V/O) She’d have to be to have married you. STAN You’re right. Sorry thinking of someone else. HOUSHAM taps his pass on the electronic card reader and walks through the door. STAN proceeds to walk through the open door. HOUSHAM stops him. STAN looks at HOUSHAM inquisitively. HOUSHAM nods towards the electronic card reader on the wall.

(CONTINUED)

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15.

STAN But you know who I am. I work four feet away from you. Do I really need to tap in? HOUSHAM I don’t make the rules Stanley. HOUSHAM closes the door with a grin on his face. STAN is forced to get his pass out of his bag and to then tap it on the pass reader to let himself in. STAN (V/O) As much as I want the new job, and as much as I want to sort things out with Emma, I now only have one ambition for today. I have to steal that man’s pass. STAN walks through the office, beginning to unzip his coat. STAN marches his way past desks, looking down at the floor awkwardly so as not to make eye contact with his colleagues. He is having difficulty with his coat as the zip has got stuck. STAN stops to help free the zip but is unable to do so. STAN arrives at his desk, steps out of his coat and plops himself down at his chair. STAN sits next to PAUL who has just sat down. PAUL is only slightly younger than STAN but has a youthful, laddish charm. PAUL is trim, clean shaven and sporting short brown well kept hair. PAUL has a photo of himself hugging John Terry. He has a very messy desk. On STAN’S desk we see a photo of his girlfriend EMMA. STAN You have one thing, and one thing only to achieve today. PAUL Pass? STAN You read my mind! PAUL PAUL brandishes HOUSHAM’s pass (MORE) (CONTINUED)

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16. PAUL (cont’d) Way ahead of you! STAN You beautiful man! How on earth did you get it? He was with me two minutes ago! PAUL I’d just finished shitting out last night’s curry. STAN Nice. PAUL And in came your majesty. I was washing my hands. STAN I’m amazed. Was always convinced you were a non washer. That’s why I never shake your hand. PAUL If I do a curry poo then I do a quick rinse, but for a wee I don’t bother.

STAN nods along approvingly. Anyway I was washing these magic fingers when Fireman Sam came in to brush his teeth. STAN Brush his teeth? PAUL I know! No amount of brushing will get rid of halitosis. STAN laughs. Anyway, as he’s bent down to get his toothpaste out. STAN Colegate? PAUL Standard. (BEAT) I’ve nabbed his pass that was on the side.

(CONTINUED)

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17. STAN I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. You sir, are a beautiful man. PAUL No matter what happens today, I now feel like I’ve achieved something. STAN You’re bloody right. You want to stick this little episode on your end of year appraisal. PAUL You got that interview later?

WEST enters. She goes and sits at the Managers desk. WEST is in her mid-thirties, has frizzy ginger hair and her face is covered in freckles. WEST is wearing librarian like clothes. STAN Yep. Just need to work out how I am going to get it past Hawkeye and West. STAN nods in WEST’s direction and smiles. PAUL Hawkeye and West, sounds like a poor ITV show. STAN To be fair West isn’t the problem. It’s Housham that I’m worried about. PAUL Yeah West is sound. To get past Housham I think you’ve got to kill off your Nan. STAN What again? Can’t mate already done that, she died when me, you and Matt went to Amsterdam remember? PAUL Other Nan? STAN Did that last week for the other interview.

(CONTINUED)

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18.

PAUL Time to up the stakes. Just found out your mum’s got cancer? STAN Bit dark though isn’t it? Just to get out of an afternoon at work my mum has got to have cancer. PAUL It doesn’t have to be terminal. Good film that by the way. STAN Is that Hanks in the Airport? PAUL Yep. STAN Zeta Jones at her best. PAUL It’s no Entrapment. PAUL then does an impression of Sean Connery My name is Mac MacDougal, and I am an international art thief. STAN laughs. STAN Such a woeful film. PAUL Loved the ending. It literally made no sense! STAN Mate, I still need this excuse! Housham is begging West to fire me as it is! And I need this new job! PAUL How come? Other than that tool I thought you were ok here? STAN I just can’t stand him and I want to get a place with Emma but have no money but I can’t afford to have no job!

(CONTINUED)

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19.

PAUL If you get a job then make sure you get me in straight after. Imagine if it was just me with Housham so, so bleak. STAN I will if you give me a good excuse. PAUL Just go old school. Just say you don’t feel well. Keep running to the bog and fake throwing up. I reckon it’d need to be nine trips before West sends you home. Maybe ten, depending on her mood. STAN Lovely shout. PAUL Before I forget, can you say to Emma sorry it’s so late but I forgot! PAUL hands STAN a very poorly constructed card with Emma’s name on it. STAN Sue gave me an envelope with Emma’s name on it this morning as well. You three laundering money or something? PAUL No it’s for her birthday mate. Money’s tight so I had to make it. STAN FUCK! FUCK! PAUL Don’t worry, it’s not that bad. I got a B in Art. STAN is incredibly agitated. PAUL What’s wrong?

(CONTINUED)

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20.

STAN I’ve forgotten her birthday! PAUL looks shocked. STAN This is bad isn’t it? PAUL Bad? Bad? It’s bloody awful mate! Especially after last year’s debacle! CUT TO: FLASHBACK INT. LOUNGE - DAY - SOFA EMMA is cautiously unwrapping a present on the sofa, STAN like an excited school boy beside her. STAN Now I know you’ll like this one! I’ve done my research! On Amazon it says that if you’re going to buy only one forty inch Paul Ross canvas print, this is the one to buy! EMMA’S face turns to stone as she opens the present to see a Paul Ross canvas staring back at her. END FLASHBACK CUT TO: INT.OFFICE - DAY STAN What the hell am I going to do? No way can I let her go. PAUL There’s no precedent. I don’t know anyone, anyone, who has forgotten a girlfriend’s birthday. A big one at that - she’s thirty man!

(CONTINUED)

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21. STAN Thirty? Oh Christ. Well that’s it. Time to throw in the towel. Raise the white flag. The fat lady has sung. PAUL Speak to Matt and Hursty. They may be able to suggest something? Matt probably knows her better than you after all! STAN True. I’ll arrange a drink and go from there. I’m stuffed though aren’t I? PAUL Oh yeh definitely. STAN Should I send her some flowers? PAUL YES! An entire florists worth. STAN I genuinely thought she was just in a mood with me for no apparent reason. Classic me. PAUL I won’t lie mate this is bad. STAN I absolutely have to sort this. The whole point of this new job is to get a place with her!

STAN puts his head in hands. PAUL At least you’ll have your own games room. STAN looks unimpressed You’re right. Too soon. Let me know if I can help. STAN Thanks mate, let me email the boys, but first I’d better ring Em. STAN phones EMMA. It goes to voicemail. (CONTINUED)

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22.

STAN I know why you are annoyed at me. Em, I am so unbelievably sorry. I will make this up to you. I promise. For a start, can you meet me at Pizza Express tonight at Six and we can talk? I am so sorry. STAN then turns his attention to his Outlook account and begins writing an email to EMMA STAN hesitating. Scratching the back of his head, uneasily grimacing. "Baby, I love you. I’m sorry. XX" Stan then adds another X, before taking it away, and then adding it again. STAN receives an email from PAUL. It reads: "Remember toilet" STAN sprints past WEST and HOUSHAM to the toilet to feign sickness. FADE TO BLACK: FADE IN: INT. OFFICE - DAY STAN sitting at his desk. HOUSHAM and WEST over shoulder. JOHN enters. JOHN looks frail and vulnerable. JOHN is sporting a black armband on his coat. STAN (V/O) How can I make it up to her? Thirty as well... STAN looks up at JOHN and immediately back towards his screen, pupils darting from side to side. STAN (V/O) Oh brilliant. Now John’s arrived. Here comes five minutes of my life that I’m never getting back. STAN Morning John, Good night last night? STAN continues staring at his screen. STAN is emailing EMMA. (MORE) (CONTINUED)

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23.

STAN (cont’d) "Hi Em, I love you. I hope you know that?" FREEZE FRAME ON JOHN’S FACE. JOHN LOOKS UPSET. STAN (V/O) Why do I do this? Every single morning I ask this question to John. And every single morning John will respond ’Yes it was good thanks, and you?’ to which I reply ’yes I had a lovely evening’. I gain nothing from these conversations. UNFREEZE FRAME STAN types two kisses on the end of his email to EMMA. Pauses, then adds one more. REWIND SCENE TO JOHN WALKING IN. STAN Morning John, Good night last night? STAN deletes the third kiss on his email and is now left with two. STAN (V/O) Yes it was good thanks JOHN (sobbing) No, not really, my dog died. STAN looks up at PAUL in bewilderment who walks off smirking. STAN (V/O) What? What did he say? What do I say? STAN Ah I am so sorry John. Had you had him a long time? STAN (V/O) I don’t care if John has had this dog decades but I had to ask something. CUT TO:

24.

FLASHBACK INT. OFFICE - DAY JOHN showing STAN photos of his memories, dog wearing a birthday hat, the two of them at dinner and visiting famous landmarks including the Eiffel Tower, The Sydney Opera House and the Hollywood hills. END FLASHBACK CUT TO: INT. OFFICE - DESK - MORNING JOHN About fourteen years. He was such a special dog. STAN awkwardly stands and approaches JOHN STAN Sorry John, I really don’t know what to say. JOHN moves in towards STAN. STAN is taken aback and thinks he is going for a handshake. He offers his hand but JOHN is approaching fast. STAN’S outstretched hand gets squashed against JOHN’S crutch and the two engage in an awkward hug. (LONG PAUSE) JOHN now satisfied, drying his tears, and leaves for the toilet. PAUL walks back to his desk. PAUL Blimey mate, were you just wanking off John? HOUSHAM looks up with a disapproving shake of the head. STAN (V/O) Great, John now thinks of me as a truly close friend. PAUL chuckles.

(CONTINUED)

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25.

PAUL Once you’re done being Rolf. You need to up the toilet frequency... STAN nods and then sprints past WEST to the toilet again. PAUL looks at HOUSHAM. PAUL I’d avoid trap two if I was you. PAUL walks off smirking. HOUSHAM looks angry. FADE TO BLACK: FADE IN: INT. OFFICE - DAY STAN walking back from the toilet. PAUL, HOUSHAM and WEST are all sitting at their desks. WEST Stan, you seem incredibly poorly. I’ve noticed you’ve gone to the toilet way in excess of ten times. I think you should go home and rest. STAN (V/O) The seventeenth sprint has done it. STAN Is that ok? Thank you. I have been sick all morning but have tried to soldier on. STAN (V/O) Such a trooper. WEST Yes you go home and look after yourself. I can pick up your work, not a problem. STAN gives a knowing nod to PAUL and clears up his stuff. HOUSHAM does not look impressed. As STAN leaves the office he hears HOUSHAM shout. HOUSHAM Has anyone seen my pass?

(CONTINUED)

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26.

STAN You should always ensure that it is around your neck. It is company policy to always have it on show. WEST (with a wry smile on her face) Yes, Stan’s right. STAN exits. FADE TO BLACK: FADE IN: INT. PUB - LUNCH TIME HURSTY and MATT are sitting down in a booth. HURSTY is STAN’s friend. He is attractive, athletic looking with longish blonde hair. He looks like a surfer. MATT is STAN’s friend. He is gawky looking, and has awkward mannerisms. He is very tall and wears glasses. STAN enters HURSTY Here he is. STAN tries to take his coat off but struggles with the zip, he ends up having to step out of the coat. MATT I’ve just given Hursty a load of stick about his coat, if you can call it that, and then you walk in and do this. STAN In my defence, at least my coat’s not covered in sequins. HURSTY Seems like it needs to come with a manual though mate. MATT At least he’s not wearing this. MATT picks up a horrible waistcoat, it belongs to HURSTY.

(CONTINUED)

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27. STAN My word, I forgot how bad that was. MATT Hursty has pictures of Joseph on his wall. HURSTY Joseph? MATT And his technicoloured dream coat. STAN Nice gag that. MATT Yeh I was quite pleased. HURSTY Nothing wrong with this coat. STAN You’re right. Remind me, how is Judas? MATT Nice. HURSTY Remind me, how is Emma? STAN (sarcastically) Very good. MATT She upset mate? STAN Course she’s upset. MATT You’re a bloody twat, you know that? STAN Thanks for the pep talk mate. HURSTY Yeah come on Matt, let’s be fair. It is Stan after all; he’s only been with her eighteen months!

(CONTINUED)

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28.

STAN Matt you know her best, what do I do? What’s damage control here? HURSTY Always thought Damage were a good little band. MATT What? They’re a terrible band. HURSTY Nah, won’t have that from you. Do a cracking cover of Wonderful Tonight. STAN Need to focus lads. Come on Matt, what do I do? HURSTY Why you asking Matt? STAN Because he’s known her since he was about eleven. HURSTY But you’ve slipped it in her. STAN Slipped it in her? Morse’s one unsolved case is how you got a woman. HURSTY It’s cos I remember my lady’s birthday. MATT (abruptly) Stan I think it’s game over. HURSTY (surprised) Game over? Behave yourself. It’s only a fucking birthday. MATT Her thirtieth.

(CONTINUED)

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29.

STAN You really think it’s game over? MATT It’s such a massive error, I don’t see how you can repair this? HURSTY Who are you his mum? They’re saving for a place together! She’s not going to break up with him just because of a forgotten birthday! STAN Has she said something to you? I know you’re always texting. MATT (reacts) No we’re not. Why do you think we text all the time? HURSTY Surprised you even know how to text. STAN She’s always telling me you two text each other. (LONG PAUSE ) HURSTY sensing the awkward moment points to his empty pint glass. HURSTY Any danger Stan? STAN Yeh in a minute. MATT (nervously) Ok what about this? Take her for dinner tonight; get down on your knees... HURSTY Not sure a proposal is the right plan. MATT Idiot. Get down on your knees and beg for forgiveness. Say it isn’t (MORE) (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

30.

MATT (cont’d) as bad as she thinks as you’d actually planned a surprise birthday party for her this weekend but that you thought, stupidly, her birthday was tomorrow. STAN That’s not bad you know. HURSTY It’s inspired. It’s absolute Gold. What a tune that is by the way. MATT What tune? STAN Why encourage him? HURSTY Gold. Big Tony and Steve Owen. STAN Steve Owen? MATT He means Steve Kemp. STAN Drifting off topic again boys. HURSTY You know what you need to do. Ring her now, go get her a shit hot present - nothing Star Trek based, take her for a meal tonight. And just explain everything and then organise a ridiculous party Saturday. Claire and I can help. STAN Keep Claire out of this, it’s her best mate and you just know she’ll grass me up. HURSTY You calling my fiancé a grass? STAN Yes.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

31.

HURSTY Fair play. MATT I’ll help as well mate. Just let me know what I can do. STAN Ok this sounds like a plan. I’ll book the Estuary for the party. Matt you’re arty, jump on Facebook and make a collage of Emma and me. Hursty can you invite everyone. Second thoughts get Claire involved. Get her to invite all of Em’s mates. HURSTY A collage! You been on word of the day again? STAN smiles. MATT So I have to find cute pictures of you two? HURSTY You’re the one with the degree in Art man. MATT I know but. (BEAT) Oh fuck it, alright I’ll do it. HURSTY And yes I’ll get Claire involved and swear her to secrecy. STAN I need to go in a minute, I’ve got an interview and I’ve got to get Em a present. MATT What for? STAN Her birthday mate, we’ve literally spent ten minutes talking about it!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

32.

MATT No you twat, what’s the interview for? HURSTY Event’s organiser? STAN Idiot. Just IT mate. MATT Sounds bloody exciting that mate. Text us to let us know how you get on with Emma. HURSTY Just text Emma yourself mate! MATT (awkwardly) How many more times! We barely text! STAN gets up to leave. STAN Cheers chaps. I’ll let you know how I get on. STAN EXITS. MATT I didn’t realise they were trying to save for a place. HURSTY Yeh that’s why he’s been on the lookout for a new job. MATT What’s a new job going to do? HURSTY You are so slow. What do you think he’s getting a job for? More money for a deposit you idiot! Fill us up. MATT gets up to go and get some more drinks. CUT TO:

33.

EXT. OUTSIDE PUB - AFTERNOON STAN rings EMMA, it goes to voicemail: STAN Hey Em’s, I’m so sorry. Hope you’ve got the flowers? Can I take you for dinner tonight at Pizza Express at six. I can explain all then. Please FADE TO BLACK: FADE IN: INT. OFFICE BUILDING - AFTERNOON STAN is seen sprinting into a swanky, modern building. STAN is holding a Primark bag and a Clinton’s Cards bag with a balloon poking out. STAN is on his phone as he runs. STAN is out of breath. STAN So that is definitely booked for 7 on Saturday? ( BEAT) Great, thanks. Yes I’ll be supplying all the balloons and decorations. STAN gets a voicemail from EMMA Got your voicemail. Ok. You better have a good excuse. It will take more than just flowers even though they were nice! I’ll see you later. STAN enters the building and looks around panicked. He goes towards the reception desk but there’s a big queue. Stan looks around some more and sees a sign for ’Interviews’. Stan runs up the stairs towards the interview room. He sees a big plant in a pot and decides to stash his balloon, and bags in the pot. STAN (V/O) You can do this. STAN enters the Interview Room. A rugged looking man sits behind a desk. As Stan walks in the man gets up from behind the desk.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

34.

INTERVIEWER Are you here for the interview? STAN Yes! So sorry I’m late. Not the best start! INTERVIEWER That’s fine. Don’t worry. I have your CV here. Are we ok to begin? STAN Yes, that’s fine. INTERVIEWER I must say, you have a very impressive CV, I can see you’ve got lots of experience. STAN (V/O) Bye bye Housham! STAN Thanks! INTERVIEWER So what attracted you to this job and what makes you think you’d be good at it? STAN (V/O) I wouldn’t be. STAN I guess that I feel my experience in IT, and computer systems, would be very beneficial to the company. I am a real team player and consistently coming up with good ideas as to how to streamline processes and IT systems. STAN (V/O) Streamline. That was unbelievable. INTERVIEWER That’s excellent that you have such detailed computing knowledge, you’re right it would be very beneficial.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

35.

STAN (V/O) He loves me. Hello house deposit! INTERVIEWER You’ve told me that you’re a real team player. Have you got any examples? STAN (V/O) Just lie. STAN Yes, sure. STAN panicking a little (BEAT) Probably the best example I have of that is the foundation my work colleagues and I created. STAN (V/O) What have you just done? INTERVIEWER Foundation? That sounds fascinating. Please go on... STAN (V/O) Oh dear God. Foundation? What the hell have you just said? STAN begins to sweat and panic. He looks around the room for inspiration where he sees a headline on a newspaper over the desk that reads "Seal washed up on the Thames." STAN So the foundation takes in wild seals that have been injured by oil tanker spillages. INTERVIEWER Wild seals? STAN Yes. We are a team of 4 who rely on donations from Joe Public to help us keep the foundation going. STAN (V/O) Joe Public? Unreal!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

36.

STAN So to get back to the original question - we have to work closely together to first raise funds, second, take the injured seals to our shelter and third, work with other organisations to help them get back into the wild. STAN (V/O) That was, without doubt, the single greatest thing you’ve ever done. Take a bow. INTERVIEWER Fascinating. Moving on, how do you think your experience makes you the right fit for this role? STAN Well I’ve got broad experience of Flash, HTML and designing web pages... INTERVIEWER Sorry, I should’ve been clearer. Experience that is specific to this role. Go ahead. STAN (V/O) Shit. Don’t be too technical. Keep it broad. STAN I guess over the years I’ve built up some wide skills -the ability to analyse different products and their strengths and weaknesses. Speaking more technically I am also very strong with Flash. INTERVIEWER Ah that is interesting. So Dettol vs Flash for example, what would you say is the stronger product? STAN (V/O) Dettol vs Flash? Shit! What’s Dettol programming? (LONG PAUSE )

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

37. STAN I’d probably say Flash. On balance I think it is easier to use, more widely known - so it is very dependable, and just generally more resilient. STAN (V/O) I am the man. INTERVIEWER I’m inclined to agree that Flash is the superior product. If you got the job here, how do you imagine you’ll progress? Does management interest you for example? STAN (V/O) If I got the job? He’s still on the fence. Massive answer required here. STAN I am very ambitious by nature. STAN V/O Liar. STAN So management is something that definitely appeals. Whilst I certainly feel I could manage a big team, I would hope that the process and systems improvements that I would’ve introduced would mean that there would no longer be the need for such a big team. STAN (V/O) What an incredible performance this is. INTERVIEWER Very interesting. It’s not immediately clear to me how you could do this job without an army of people, but I’m very intrigued by your ideas. Excellent. So I can see from your CV that you speak fluent German. Obviously a key part of this job is how you interact with people. We have a couple of Germans on our staff.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

38.

STAN (V/O) German? INTERVIEWER Eine große Anzahl von Ihren Aufgaben wird es sein, ein Team im Ausland zu verwalten. Bist du in Ordnung mit diesem? STAN (V/O) What’s happening? STAN Sorry could you just repeat that please? INTERVIEWER Sure. Eine große Anzahl von Ihren Aufgaben wird es sein, ein Team im Ausland zu verwalten. Bist du in Ordnung mit diesem? STAN (V/O) This is bad. This is so bad. Come on man. Dig out your GCSE Oral. You’ve got this. STAN Ich wassesportmoglichkeiten ins London ja. STAN (V/O) Well done Stan. Well done. (LONG PAUSE ) INTERVIEWER You’ve just told me there are watersports opportunities in London. STAN Yes, yes I did. (BEAT) I thought I’d show off some of my German vocabularly. I believe wassesportmoglichkeiten is the longest word in the German dictionary. STAN (V/O) Bullet dodged.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

39.

INTERVIEWER (bemused) Ok. (BEAT) Moving on, have you got your own mop? STAN (V/O) Have I got my own mop? STAN Sorry? INTERVIEWER Obviously we provide you with the relevant cleaning materials but we know some cleaners prefer to work with their own mops. STAN Cleaners? INTERVIEWER Something wrong? STAN Sorry you said have I got my own mop? INTERVIEWER Yes. Sorry is everything ok? STAN Yes sorry, I am just wondering why a Flash developer would need a mop? INTERVIEWER This is the cleaning job. Not the flash developer role. You are Tomaz Breme aren’t you? STAN No. I’m Stan Bennett. INTERVIEWER Oh dear. I think you’re at the wrong interview. STAN Well where’s my interview?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

40.

INTERVIEWER The IT job interviews are up on Floor two. BUIDLING ALARM MAN ON TANNOY There has been a suspicious package found on the First floor. Please calmly and sensibly evacuate the building. STAN (V/O) Oh come on. INTERVIEWER quickly ushers Stan out of the room. STAN What about the Flash job? INTERVIEWER Come on we need to get going. STAN and the INTERVIEWER pass a team of bomb disposal experts adjacent to the pot plant. STAN goes to tell them that the packages are his but is pulled away from the area by THE INTERVIEWER. CUT TO: EXT. OUTSIDE - SKYSCRAPER - LATE AFTERNOON STAN rings EMMA: STAN Hey Em’s, interview was a disaster. It was going so well but I messed it up. I’m so sorry, I really tried. I’m just leaving now so will see you at 6 at Pizza Express. I’ve just got to grab something but will be there by 6 I promise. Looking forward to seeing you, and making it up to you. CUT TO:

41.

EXT. TRAIN PLATFORM - EARLY EVENING. STAN has another Primark bag in his hands and has an even bigger balloon. Train arrives, Stan tries to find a two seater. STAN (V/O) Come on two seater. STAN spots a two seater and with a sigh of relief sits down. CUT TO: INT. TRAIN - EARLY EVENING. STAN is holding the paper in full view, we cannot see past it. HOUSHAM Hi Stanley, do you mind if I join you? STAN folds his paper in the air, revealing HOUSHAM. STAN (V/O) Shit! HOUSHAM (looks towards the balloon with a raised eyebrow) Feeling better I presume? STAN (V/O) I hate Housham so much. He’s that guy who always asks questions when someone says ’Any Questions’. CUT TO: FLASHBACK INT. OFFICE MEETING ROOM - DAY HOUSHAM is sitting with his arms raised desperate to be asked. STAN (V/O) He’s a fire monitor... CUT TO:

42.

DREAM SEQUENCE INT. OFFICE - DAY HOUSHAM dressed in full fire outfit, socks pulled up. STAN (V/O) He thrives on people’s misery. CUT TO: FLASHBACK INT. OFFICE - DAY JOHN is pleading on his knees with tears rolling down his cheeks. He is gesturing photos of his dog towards HOUSHAM who is laughing. STAN (V/O) He enjoys one to ones and performance appraisals. He suggests crap ideas. CUT TO: DREAM SEQUENCE INT. OFFICE MEETING ROOM - DAY HOUSHAM holds up an A3 piece of paper which says ’Let’s promote this man’. There is a giant image of HOUSHAM on the paper. STAN (V/O) He scoffs at good ideas made by others. He has never been abroad, and he’s a fire monitor. CUT TO: DREAM SEQUENCE

43.

INT. OFFICE - DAY HOUSHAM dressed in less fire monitor outfit than before. STAN (V/O) He has a personalised screensaver. CUT TO: FLASHBACK INT. - OFFICE DESK - DAY HOUSHAM is sitting at his computer, with a screensaver of HOUSHAM as a Jedi carrying a blue lightsabre. STAN (V/O) He loves documentation. He loves the word documentation. He likes Kenny Rogers love songs. He doesn’t like Jay Zed. He hasn’t heard of Jay Zed. STAN mispronounces Jay Z and calls him Jay Zed. CUT TO: DREAM SEQUENCE INT. HOUSHAM’S BED - DAY HOUSHAM and the back of a woman are sleeping listening to a Jay Z song. HOUSHAM has big headphones on and is moving and grooving in bed. STAN (V/O) He is a one company man, he likes secret Santa. He is offensive to women. CUT TO: DREAM SEQUENCE

44.

INT. OFFICE - DAY HOUSHAM is staring WEST up and down as she is bent over refilling the paper tray. He is slowly removing tissues from his pocket, eyes fixed. STAN (V/O) He doesn’t have a lunch break, he has cleaning wipes for his desk. He carries his holiday over. He is a fire monitor. CUT TO: DREAM SEQUENCE INT. OFFICE - DAY HOUSHAM is completely naked other than a fire helmet covering his genitals. END DREAM SEQUENCE. CUT TO: INT. TRAIN - EVENING HOUSHAM Er..Stanley? STAN Oh Yeah, no I’m still not feeling well. STAN (V/O) I need to get off of this train. HOUSHAM If you left at midday to go home, why are you on the evening train home? And why have you got a balloon? STAN looks around, panicked. STAN (gets up) Sorry I’ve got to go.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

45.

STAN quickly shoots up and brushes past HOUSHAM and gets off the train just as it is about to depart. STAN (V/O) Shit, shit. STAN takes out his phone and dials EMMA. STAN Pick up, pick up. It goes to Voicemail. Em, it’s me. I am going to be about thirty minutes late. Please, please wait for me. Please. CUT TO: INT. PIZZA EXPRESS - EVENING EMMA is sitting alone, looking sad and embarrassed, as she looks around the busy restaurant. WAITER Would you like anything whilst you wait? EMMA No I am ok thanks. What time is it? WAITER Six Thirty dear. EMMA (disappointed) Ok, thanks. BING BING EMMA get a text message. EMMA opens the text, it is from MATT. MATT Text message: "Did Stan make it up to you? I really need to talk to you. When you’re free can we grab a coffee? xxx" BING BING STAN’s voicemail comes through. (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

46.

EMMA listens to it, starts to cry. CUT TO: EXT - STREET - EVENING STAN running. CUT TO: INT. PIZZA EXPRESS - EVENING STAN out of breath, talking to the WAITER. STAN Hi, I’ve booked a table. Under the name of Bennett. Table for two. WAITER I am afraid the lady has left. STAN drops to the floor in pain and starts shouting. STAN Cramp. Cramp. STAN starts screaming in pain prompting the people at the restaurant to look round at the commotion. WAITER Quick get this man a chair. Another waiter passes THE WAITER a chair. THE WAITER hoists STAN onto the chair but STAN is still writhing in pain. THE WAITER, concerned at all the noise, lifts STAN through the restaurant. Whilst STAN is on the chair STAN passes someone in the restaurant who turns out to be THE INTERVIEWER. THE INTERVIEWER Not your day is it son? THE WAITER carries STAN through the restaurant and places him out back in the kitchen. STAN gets out his phone and on to his Rules of Life Twitter account and types SUPERIMPOSE: WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T FORGET YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S BIRTHDAY. FADE OUT.

47.

THE END.