Rude Jokes

 

The Penis Wants a Raise I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: 1. I do physical labor. 2. I work at great depths. 3. I plunge head first into everything I do.. 4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off. 5. I work in a damp environment. 6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation. 7. I work in high temperatures. 8. My work exposes me to diseases. Dear Penis, After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have Raised, the management denies your request for the following reasons: 1. You do not work 8 hours straight. 2. You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after af ter EACH brief work  period. 3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. 4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting Other locations. 5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated In order to start working. 6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. 7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as Wearing the correct protective clothing. 8. You will retire LONG before you are 65. 9. You are unable to work double shifts. 10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have Completed the assigned task. 11. And if that were not all, you have constantly been seen entering and Exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags. Sincerely, The Management Something for the ladies:

Five tips for a woman.... 1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

 

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh. 3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to You. 4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you. 5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Something for everyone: These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things  people actually said in court, word word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there.  _______________________________________  ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.  ______________________________________  ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan!  ________________________________________ 

 

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?  ______________________________________  ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!  ______________________________________  ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?  ______________________________________  ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Guess.  ______________________________________  ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead  people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

 

 ______________________________________  ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral.  ______________________________________  ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!  ____________________________________________  ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?  ______________________________________  And the best for last:  ______________________________________  ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a  pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

 

WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing p racticing law.

Women are like hurricanes, when they are around, they are wet and wild, but when they leave, they take your house and your car! Here's another one you may find funny:

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.The WalMart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart.  Nice children you have there. Are they they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think  they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?" "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied r eplied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

 

Here's a joke. There was a guy who died and went to heaven. He noticed that heaven was full of clocks so he asked St. Peter, "what are the clocks for?" and St. Peter answered, "the clocks move everytime a person tells a lie." So the guy looked around and noticed that George Bush's clock was missing. "Where is the president's clock?" He asked. St. Peter replied, "It's in hell. Satan's using it as a ceiling fan."

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher  insisted on NO BABY TALK ! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit myNana. "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER GRANDMOTHER.. Use 'Big People' words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." "No," she said, "you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words." She then asked little Alex what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

 

[I love this] Alex thought very hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great  pride and said, "Winnie the SHIT" SHIT"

Read more: Someone say something to cheer me up! a joke or anything! :( | Answerbag  http://www.answerbag.com/q_view/395199#ixzz0wHo7Ckiq Answerbag