Romantic Jealousy_ Causes, Symptoms, Cur - Ayala Malach Pines

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{\qc Experiencing Social Psychology: Readings and Projects\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\pa r\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ {\qc (with Christina Maslach)\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ {\qc The Juggler. A Working Woman: Problems and Solutions\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par \pard\plain\hyphpar}{ {\qc (available in Hebrew)\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ {\qc Psychology of Gender\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ {\qc (available in Hebrew)\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ {\qc How We Fall in Love\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ {\qc (forthcoming from Routledge)\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{\qc {\*\shppict{\pict\picw53\pich42\jpegblip ffd8ffe000104a46494600010101004800480000fffe002f2043524541544f523a2043496d67203a 204f726967696e616c2073697a653d313638307832363038 783178310affdb004300100b0c0e0c0a100e0d0e1211101318281a181616183123251d283a333d3c 3933383740485c4e404457453738506d51575f626768673e 4d71797064785c656763ffc0000b08002a003501011100ffc4001b00000202030100000000000000 000000000005010302040607ffc4002d1000010402000403 0705000000000000000102030405001106122131134161142351718191b122325262a1ffda000801 0100003f00f40c323177105848aba97a645612fada1b2952 b5a1e67e9965358a6daae3cd427903a9d94ef7ca7b11f70737b0c3209d0ce0e1dd3926d65b37f652 6b1685fb9611a693aebdd5aebf53acc6eb885b8b1dfaf6ac 5164d4b654da16549e6649e9fa943408ebf31aceba8a2b10e9e23119d43ada1b003883b0b3e647cc ef18e198a95ca37d35885ab09b70879dac79a8b0d04a1b7d c6fc453a477206c009fbe28afe3443d5ec36ff00b3bb62b24694b0db406f414a52bb74eba1b3e9d7 2ae20846b9eaab3b17fc777db11e2b80690da7a9e54a7c87 7f53ac7d58ca21711cb62310234861320a07ed4af7a247c363f18fb0c5bc42979ca19c88e09754c2 c240efdbcb38da3f16faa2beb23cc6a3c56414cc692be575 7d49e835d88fc9f863db9895ee552e96ba330b90b1ca8691af77fdd47cb5df67a9f5c6c69e33b4cd 564a4f8eca1a4b679bb9d0d6fd0f4c9a9a5834cdad1059e4 e7d1528a8a94ad76ea718619046f1548e1aa694f179eaf614e13b24275b3ebaef9bf161c784d7851 586d96ff008b68091fe65d93861861861861867fffd9 }} \par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ {\qc For Israel\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\~ {\s1 \afs32 {\b {\qr Contents\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\plain\hyphpar} { {\ql {\ul Preface} ix \par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ {\ql {\ul Acknowledgments} xiii \par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ {\ql {\ul 1. The Green-Eyed Monster or the Shadow of Love?} 1 \par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par \pard\plain\hyphpar}{

{\ql {\ul 2. Are You a Jealous Person?} 23 \par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\plain\hyphpar }{ {\ql {\ul 3. The Unconscious Roots of Romantic Jealousy} 45 \par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\p ard\plain\hyphpar}{ {\ql {\ul 4. Treating the Couple, Not the Jealous Male} 67 \par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pa rd\plain\hyphpar}{ {\ql {\ul 5. Men Get Angry, Women Get Depressed} 91 \par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\plai n\hyphpar}{ {\ql {\ul 6. Romantic Jealousy in Different Cultures} 113 \par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\par d\plain\hyphpar}{ {\ql {\ul 7. Romantic Jealousy in Open Relationships} 133 \par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\par d\plain\hyphpar}{ {\ql {\ul 8. Crimes of Passion} 151 \par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ {\ql {\ul 9. Coping with Romantic Jealousy} 175 \par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\plain\hy phpar}{ {\ql {\ul 10. Can Any Good Come Out of Romantic Jealousy?} 197 \par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\pa r\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ {\ql {\ul Appendix A: Jealousy workshops} 219 \par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\plain\hyph par}{ {\ql {\ul Appendix B: The Romantic Jealousy Questionnaire} 227 \par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\pa r\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ {\ql {\ul Appendix C: Romantic Jealousy Research} 243 \par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\pl ain\hyphpar}{ {\ql {\ul Notes} 259 \par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ {\ql {\ul References} 275 \par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ {\ql {\ul Index} 293 \par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\~ {\s1 \afs32 {\b {\qr Preface\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ In the summer of 1978, 1 flew back to San Francisco from Toronto, where I had at

tended a convention of the American Psychological Association. On the plane I sa t next to Elliot Aronson, one of the leading social psychologists in the country and a dear friend whom I admire greatly. We were chatting about various things when he said, "What do you know about jealousy?"\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ "Jealousy?" I responded, surprised. Ile explained, "I was asked to write an arti cle called 'What We Don't Know About Jealousy' for a new behavioral science maga zine. The problem is that I don't know much about jealousy-hence the title. But I thought if you were interested in the subject, we could pool our ignorance and have some fun writing the article together." While I definitely had my own pers onal experience with jealousy, I had never given much thought to it as a subject for study. I knew as much about it as Elliot did, but the offer was such a grea t compliment that I said yes right away.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ The next clay, in Berkeley, I went to the university library and did a computer search to find out what had been written about jealousy. There was quite a lot. I buried myself in literature on romantic jealousy written by novelists, poets, philosophers, anthropologists, sociologists, psychiatrists, and psychologists. W hile the volumes written were enormous, many questions were left unanswered. Thi s was the subject of the article Elliot and I wrote.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ Although the magazine folded before the article could be published, I became "ho oked" on jealousy and, for the following twenty years, continued to study it. I' ve worked with jealous individuals and couples in my private practice both in Ca lifornia and Israel and have led jealousy workshops and collected questionnaires from close to a thousand people. I've worked in prison with male inmates servin g time for "crimes of passion" and both inter viewed and collected questionnaire s from female inmates. I've worked with couples in open relationships. I've stud ied two urban communes practicing open relationships: one in which members succe eded in overcoming their jealousy, the other in which jealousy was a major probl em and eventually caused the break-up of the commune. I've also reviewed the ext ensive and steadily growing literature on jealousy. This book is based on these experiences, research, and clinical work.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ The book describes five different approaches to jealousy. The psychodynamic appr oach, which is particularly interested in delusional jealousy, views it as the r esult of unresolved childhood traumas. The systems approach views jealousy as th e result of the dynamics within a particular relationship. The cognitive-behavio ral approach views it as a learned response that when inappropriate can be unlea rned. The social-psychology approach views it as a result of cultural forces tha t determine when jealousy is experienced and how it is expressed. The evolutiona ry or sociobiological approach views jealousy as innate, the result of evolution ary processes that appear to be different for men and women (Pines, 1992a).\par\ pard\plain\hyphpar}{ While these approaches are considered by many theoreticians to be contradictory, I use all five of them in any work. I believe anything that helps a person with a jealousy problem can and should be used. This book reflects that conviction.\ par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{\s4 \afs23 {\b {\qc What the Book Is About\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\ plain\hyphpar}{ This book is for anyone who seeks a better understanding of romantic jealousy. I t was written with three kinds of readers in mind. The first is the clinician wh o works with people struggling with a jealousy problem. The second is the person who struggles with a jealousy problem or with a mate's jealousy. The third is t he intellectually curious person who might have encountered jealousy, either wit hin himself or herself or in another, and is interested in learning more about i t. Each chapter should have something for all three types of readers.\par\pard\p lain\hyphpar}{ A person suffering from a jealousy problem is most likely to benefit from answer ing The Romantic Jealousy Questionnaire (see Appendix B) both before and after r eading the book. The questionnaire can also be used by researchers and by therap ists working with people with a jealousy problem. It is best to use it both befo

re and after therapy. The intellectually curious reader is invited to answer the questionnaire just for fun.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ The first chapter serves as an introduction. It defines jealousy and explains th e differences between jealousy and envy and between jealousy that is normal and abnormal, chronic and acute.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ The second chapter addresses a series of questions (as presented in The Romantic Jealousy Questionnaire) that are aimed at helping readers explore their romanti c jealousy and compare their responses to those given by over seven hundred peop le.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ The third chapter explores the unconscious roots of jealousy from the perspectiv e of the psychodynamic approach, which views jealousy as a problem in the mind o f the jealous individual that is best treated by individual therapy. This chapte r shows how childhood events help shape adult jealousy.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ The fourth chapter presents the systems approach, which proposes that jealousy o ccurs within the dynamic of a particular relationship and can best be treated th rough couple therapy. The chapter shows how couples collude to keep a jealousy p roblem alive.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ The fifth chapter presents the sociobiological approach, in which jealousy is se en as an innate response resulting from evolutionary forces that are different f or men and women. The chapter suggests that jealousy may be a universal problem for couples.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ The sixth chapter discusses jealousy in different cultures and presents the soci al-psychological approach. According to this approach, the culture determines wh en people feel jealous and how they express their jealousy. The social-psycholog ical approach encourages people to make an attributional shift in their explanat ion for their jealousy from "I'm a jealous person" to "I get jealous in certain situations."\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ Chapters seven and eight examine the range of responses to romantic jealousy. On e chapter discusses people who succeeded in overcoming their jealousy and have e stablished long-term open relationships. The other chapter discusses people who were overcome by their jealousy and committed crimes of passion. Whereas chapter seven presents the views of people who believe that jealousy is learned and thu s can also be unlearned, chapter eight presents the view that, under the all-pow erful influence of the green-eyed monster, some people can become temporarily in sane and commit the most "monstrous" and violent crimes. The chapter provides an opportunity to gain an appreciation for the explosive potential in jealousy and learn how to defuse it.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ Chapter nine is devoted to coping with jealousy. It presents the cognitive-behav ioral approach, in which jealousy is seen as a learned response that, if inappro priate, can be unlearned and replaced with a more appropriate response. The chap ter offers a variety of cognitive and behavioral techniques for coping with a je alousy problem. It also makes reference to techniques inspired by the other appr oaches presented throughout the book. The goal of all these coping techniques is to help individuals and couples protect their relationships in positive and con structive ways so that something good can come out of their jealousy problem.\pa r\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ My view that jealousy can be a growth-enhancing force is explored in chapter ten and demonstrated through the analysis of an unusual triangle relationship. Beyo nd the benefits to be gained from each chapter, my hope is that the book as a wh ole will help readers turn romantic jealousy into a useful signal they can use t o improve themselves and their relationships.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ A word about heterosexuality and homosexuality. Everything I say in this book ab out male-female relationships can also be applied to male-male or female-female relationships. I will mention this point again and present relevant examples whe n appropriate.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ I have enjoyed my work on jealousy immensely and loved writing this book. I hope my excitement about the subject comes through.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\~ {\s1 \ afs32 {\b {\qr

Acknowledgments\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\plain\h yphpar}{ I would like to thank my friends and colleagues who read this book and helped im prove it with their thoughtful comments. These include Dr. Gordon Clanton, Dr. B ernie Zilhergeld, Professor Clair Rabin, Dr. Loise Shawver, Dr. Laura Steckel, a nd Kathy Knopoff (on her way to a brilliant career in psychology). Discussions W ith Professors Elliot Aronson, Murray Bilmes, Jack Block, and Troy Duster, as we ll as with Tsafi Gilad and Israel Segal, helped crystallize my ideas about jealo usy.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ 1 would also like to thank the team at Routledge that was responsible for publis hing this book for their enthusiasm and support. This includes first and foremos t Heidi A. Freund, the publishing director. Heidi's warmth and high energy make her a delight to work with. Other people that were a joy to work with are Anthon y Mancini, the managing editor; Ilene Kalish, the assistant editor; Ron Longe, t he publicity manager; Santa Sahni, the editorial assistant; and Beth Mullen, who is in charge of rights and permissions. \par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ I owe special thanks to my agent, Judith Weber, who besides being a dear friend is a wonderful editor and an intelligent and insightful reader who helped improv e the book greatly both in content and in style. Wanda Cuevas, a member of the S obel Weber Associates professional staff, also provided valuable feedback and su pport.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ Anne Savarese, my editor at St. Martin's Press, where the book was first publish ed, has gone through every version of the book with a thoroughness I have never encountered before. The result is an invaluable contribution to the book, for wh ich I am extremely grateful.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ The greatest thanks, however, are reserved for the people in my private practice and participants in my workshops and research, who opened their hearts to me an d shared some of their most painful and difficult experiences with jealousy. Thi s book could never have been written without their contribution.\par\pard\plain\ hyphpar}\~ {\s1 \afs32 {\b {\qr 1\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{\s2 \a fs28 {\b {\qc The Green-Eyed Monster {\line } or the Shadow of Love?\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard \plain\hyphpar}{\qc {\*\shppict{\pict\picw114\pich42\jpegblip ffd8ffe000104a46494600010101004800480000fffe002f2043524541544f523a2043496d67203a 204f726967696e616c2073697a653d313638307832363038 783178310affdb004300100b0c0e0c0a100e0d0e1211101318281a181616183123251d283a333d3c 3933383740485c4e404457453738506d51575f626768673e 4d71797064785c656763ffc0000b08002a007201011100ffc4001b00010002030101000000000000 000000000001040203050607ffc400271000020202010401 0403010000000000000102000304112105121331511422326141718191ffda0008010100003f00fa 04444444444444444d5937d78b8f65f73f6575af7337c094 727a8b038eb47165b628ecb1796527923fa0773a43912644aad9f40bada8333353af276a93d9b1b1 b9874acab72f1dacb7b08f23aa327a650740cbd2269cbcba 712af25cfdaa5828e36493e80959f39cf50c6a2ad69fbbca8ca4301ae08fd6f8ff0065f93120ce26 6751b6ebb23171406b51d6b159034dc0625b7e974654fa1b 2d35648c1416d36bd6c94e942a91ada1e37ceb9e3d19e8e90c2940e76c0727e4cce54ea399f475d6 78ddb60ad77e86ff0099c80b6675e872316b6a721884b990 794af6ec6c6b81c1e7dfaf52ef42c5bf12814db47856b509a0410c46fee1af408d4eb482742702dc eb73dbc78f525e3c8e1aab00eced5257ee3a3c92389ab1f0 6c3763e6d389f7db5f6b32690d64371c6ff1f7f33d20f5cc9891ee567e9f8af92720d7ab58699958

af70fde8f32c2a2a28550001e809313564e2d39751ab22b1 621e747e7e62ac6aa9fc036fe598b1ff00a66d9322555e9b8896d9625454d876e15d82b1f92bbd6e 5a0000001a0224c4444444444444444444444444444444ff d9 }} \par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ {\qr O, beware my lord of jealousy! It is the green eyed monster, which doth mock the neat it feeds on.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ {\qr -Shakespeare, Othello\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ {\qr He that is not jealous is not in love.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\plain\hy phpar}{ {\qr -St. Augustine\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ {\qr Jealousy is the dragon in paradise: the hell of heaven: and the most bitter of e motions because it is associated with the sweetest.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\ pard\plain\hyphpar}{ {\qr -A. R. Orage, On Love\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{\qc {\*\shppict{\pict\picw110\pich43\jpegblip ffd8ffe000104a46494600010101004800480000fffe002f2043524541544f523a2043496d67203a 204f726967696e616c2073697a653d313638307832363038 783178310affdb004300100b0c0e0c0a100e0d0e1211101318281a181616183123251d283a333d3c 3933383740485c4e404457453738506d51575f626768673e 4d71797064785c656763ffc0000b08002b006e01011100ffc4001b00010002030101000000000000 000000000001030204050607ffc400291000020202010401 0304030000000000000102000304112105123141131461712223325181a1b1ffda0008010100003f 00fa04444444444444444c0b8048f247adcab072d3371532 2b56557f4c391ea6c44862146cf025072d066a62956ef742eadae08046c7e791362244ab23205145 96952ff1a962abe4ea654dab7d296a7f1750c3f0659128c9 c94a3b01e5ec6ed451ecf9ff008279c775c8fab18765a97dbdf673a2015e368c46cf81e3c4ebf43b 55f0d11183a2001580d6f8079fbee74e413a1b9c1ea79b8d 79c72ff2850cd656d5e9b7ae365747639f265584f663f5866b2e56f96b43557a1aed6defb48e3d02 67a31e0499ad939694304e0b952dadeb407924fa9e62d097 f4ab3e92ebabad756585d477aab1e46f5b235be7edee7a5e9f6fcb8ca415206d43278600e81136e2 68752e9ab9eb5fee1adab6254eb608234411fd1065b461ad 6e8ec43322f6a00ba0a3ec3fc4d9000f000933161dc08fee73307a37d12b56b786ac8edd94fd7da3 c2f76fc0fc4e925688aaaaa0051a5e3c099499cdea1d2866 e4d778b3b5917b19197b95d760f2363d89b74e30aec6b1c87b1805275ae07aff00665c0003406849 88888888888888888888888888889fffd9 }} \par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ I found myself sitting all curled up in the bushes following every movement seen through the curtains in her lit-up window. I knew her boyfriend was there, and the knowledge caused me an excruciating pain. It was a cold winter night, and on ce in a while there was a drizzle. I said to myself, "I know I am a sane, wellad justed, responsible adult. What in the world is happening to me? I lave I totall y lost my mind?" Yet I continued sitting in those bushes for hours. I didn't lea ve until the light in the window was gone. A force more powerful than myself hel d me hypnotized to the light and to her. I never felt so close to madness.\par\p ard\plain\hyphpar}{ Although I knew that our relationship was over, I still had very strong feelings toward him. Then, one day, I saw him at the corner store where we used to shop

when we lived together. Ile was with this Los Angeles-type bleached blonde, the kind who spends hours choosing her outfit. She had heavy makeup perfectly put on , and every hair on her head was in just the right place. I knew that I looked l ike a bag lady, my nose was red from a cold, my hair was unwashed and greasy. I think I simply went mad. I went up to him, kicked him in the balls, snapped his hat and ran outside I got into his car-which for some reason he left unlocked-an d started crying. I've never cried like that. I felt I was going out Of' My mind .\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ The man in the first paragraph and the woman in the second are describing powerf ul experiences that have several things in common. The experiences are extreme a nd unusual, involve loss of control, and result in a sense that one is going mad . Indeed, these are three notable features of jealousy.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ \s4 \afs23 {\b {\qc What Is Romantic Jealousy?\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\p ard\plain\hyphpar}{ The word jealous is derived from the Greek word zelos, which signifies emulation and zeal and denotes intensity of feelings. In this book the focus is not on je alousy in general but on romantic or sexual jealousy-the jealousy that emerges i n the context of a romantic relationship.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ The phrase "romantic jealousy" means different things to different people. It ev okes a variety of images, explanations, and definitions. Here are some examples: "It's a hard-to-control emotion that results from fear of losing an important p erson to someone else." "It's a feeling you have when you're afraid you're losin g an important relationship." "It's the feeling of being betrayed by someone you trust." "It's when somebody else looks at a person I love the way I do" "It's w hen you are insecure about your relationship or about yourself, and you feel tha t you are not man enough.""When you love someone, but the love they felt for VOL ] is gone"\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ What is your definition of romantic jealousy? I presented this question to close to a thousand people and received as many definitions as there were respondents . The definitions I just presented, for example, were suggested by inmates servi ng time in prison for committing crimes related to jealousy.\par\pard\plain\hyph par}{ Since it seems clear that we can't simply assume everyone knows what jealousy is , I would like to offer the following definition: Jealousy is it complex reactio n to a perceived threat to it valued relationship or to its quality.'\par\pard\p lain\hyphpar}{ Jealousy is a con\u9658?plex reaction that has both internal and external compon ents. The internal component of jealousy includes certain emotions, thoughts, an d physical symptoms that often are not visible to the outside world. The emotion s associated with jealousy may include pain, anger, rage, envy, sadness, fear, g rief, and humiliation. The thoughts associated with jealousy may include resentm ent ("How could you have lied to me like this?"), self-blame ('How could I have been so blind, so stupid?"), comparison with the rival ("I'm not as attractive, sexy, intelligent, successful"), concern for one's public image ("Everyone knows , and laughs at me"), or self-pity ("I'M all alone in the world, nobody loves me "). The physical symptoms associated with jealousy may include blood rushing to the head, sweaty and trembling hands, shortness of breath, stomach cramps, feeli ng faint, a fast heartbeat, and trouble falling asleep.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ The external component of jealousy is more clearly visible and is expressed in s ome kind of behavior: talking openly about the problem, screaming, crying, makin g a point of ignoring the issue, using humor, retaliating, leaving, or becoming violent.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ The fact that jealousy has both an internal and an external component has an imp ortant implication for coping. Even if people can modify the internal component to some extent, most have relatively little control over it, especially over the ir emotional and physical responses: "1 wish I could be cool and rational about it, but the pain is simply too big." "I stood there like an idiot, blood rushing

to my face, and couldn't do a thing to stop it." However, people can be trained to have more control over their thoughts. Actually, the premise of cognitive th erapy is that we can change our feelings by changing our thoughts (e.g. Bishay e t al., 1996; Dolan \u163?& Bishay, 1996a; Ellis, 1996).\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ People have far greater control over the external component of their jealousy th an over the internal component. They don't always realize this (and even when th ey do, they don't always want to admit it), but they can-if they choose to-talk about their feelings, make fun of the whole thing, cry their hearts out, suffer silently and covertly or loudly and visibly, lash out in anger, get out of the r elationship, try to make their mate jealous, or throw dishes. When one feels ove rwhelmed by jealousy, it is important to remember that while it may be difficult to control jealous feelings, changing the thoughts that trigger them helps keep the feelings in check. Furthermore, most people have significant control over w hat they decide to do about their jealousy.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ The jealous response is triggered when there's a perceived threat to the relatio nship. The perceived threat may be real or imagined (just as the relationship ca n be real or imagined). If a man thinks that his wife is interested in other men , even if the threat is a result of his own wild imagination, he is going to res pond with intense jealousy. On the other hand, if a woman has a close friendship with another man, but her husband feels secure in their marriage and does not f eel threatened by this friendship, he is not likely to respond with jealousy.\pa r\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ A couple I saw in therapy provides an example of jealousy in response to an imag inary threat. The husband, a rather plainlooking man, married a beautiful woman thirteen years younger than himself. He was convinced that every man who looked at his wife desired her. Since he did not feel secure in his own attractiveness, he was terrified every time she left the house, thinking that she would find so meone else and leave him. His wife was faithful and committed to the marriage; w hen they first met, she loved the fact that he put her on a pedestal and welcome d his intense attraction to her. With time, however, she found his jealousy incr easingly bothersome and suffocating. When the couple came to me for help, she sa id she needed to get away from him-not because he lacked attractiveness, and not because she had found a more attractive man-but because of his suffocating jeal ousy.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ Another couple provides an example of how not perceiving a threat can act as a b uffer against jealousy. The husband in this case was a swinger. He loved swinger s' parties, even orgies. His wife did not. For years he used to go to these sexu al encounters alone, with the full knowledge of his wife. The wife, for her part , disliked the idea of sexual promiscuity, but accepted the fact that this was e xtremely important for her husband, and that it was not a threat to their marria ge or to herself. After years of this arrangement, the wife had an affair. The h usband's way of dealing with it was to befriend her lover and accept him as part of the family. He said the lover wasn't a threat to his marriage. Furthermore, the fact that his wife had a lover made him feel freer to continue his own sexua l exploits. Even if one doubts the husband's claim that he felt no jeal ousy, it 's clear that his response to what is for most people a powerful jealousy trigge r was very mild.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ A relationship that triggers a jealous response has to be valuable. It can be va luable in different ways. If a woman can't stand her husband and he arouses in h er only feelings of boredom or disgust, the knowledge that he is having an affai r is not likely, in and of itself, to trigger much jealousy. Yet for such a woma n, losing her husband to another woman may threaten her public image, as well as her standard of living and general lifestyle. In other words, the marriage may not be valuable for her emotionally, but it may have economic or social value. T he following is a case in point. It demonstrates that jealousy can exist in a re lationship that has only extraneous value, even after that relationship has ende d.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ A wealthy woman who wanted desperately to get out of her marriage finally manage d to do so, at great financial cost. She had to leave the house to her husband, but said she was glad to do it if it meant being rid of him. Then, one night as

she drove past the house, she saw a shadow of a woman on the curtain and was ove rcome by tremendous jealousy.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ Did she perceive a threat to her marriage? Obviously not, since the marriage was over. Was her marriage emotionally valuable to her as a love relationship? Obvi ously not, since she was the one who worked so hard, and sacrificed so much, to get out of it. Yet she felt jealous when she saw the shadow of the woman. Jealou sy, as noted earlier, is a response to a perceived threat to a valued relationsh ip or to its quality. The woman was responding to the threat against her percept ion of her relationship with her husband.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ In her mind she saw herself as superior to her husband and as having more power in their relationship. After all, wasn't she the one who kicked him out of the m arriage and out of her life? And here the worthless bum had already found someon e else to be with, while she was still alone. What enraged her even more was tha t the two of them were "in" and she was "out" of "her" house. The other woman pr esented a threat not to her actual marriage but rather to her perception of the marriage.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ This example illustrates the complexity of the jealous response. The wealthy wom an experienced possessiveness (this was "her" husband and "her" house), exclusio n (they were "in" and she was "out"), competitiveness (her husband had someone a nd she didn't), and envy (she wanted to have a relationship like the one she ima gined he had).\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ For some people, the strongest component of jealousy is a fear of' being abandon ed: "He is going to fall in love with her and leave me and then I'll be all alon e." For some, the primary component is loss of face: "I low could you humiliate me in front of everyone by flirting openly with this slut?" For some, the most p ainful aspect is the betrayal: "How could you, the person I trusted more than an yone else in the world, He to me and betray me in this way?" For some, the prima ry component is competitiveness: "If she fell in love with him, he must be a bet ter lover than I am"; or, "How could she fall for this sleaze-ball?" And there a re those for whom the primary component is envy: "1 wish I were as skinny and go rgeous as she is" or "as successful professionally as he is."\par\pard\plain\hyp hpar}{ When people describe intense jealousy, they often confuse their response with th e degree of threat actually present in the situation. "fhcy may, for example, re spond as if their male's "outrageous" flirting at the party indicated that their mate would leave them for that other person, when in fact all that the flirting causes is embarrassment. When they confront the threat realistically ("flow lik ely is it that your husband will leave you for the other woman?"), the intensity of their jealousy invariably diminishes.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{\s4 \afs23 {\b {\qc Predisposition to Jealousy\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\p ard\plain\hyphpar}{ Although jealousy appears in different forms and in varying degrees of intensity , it always results from an interaction between a certain predisposition and a p articular triggering event. The predisposition to jealousy is influenced by the culture we grow up in; some cultures encourage jealousy while others discourage it. It is influenced by our family background: A man whose mother was unfaithful to his father or whose parents had violent outbursts of jealousy is likely to h ave far greater predisposition to jealousy than a man whose father and mother fe lt secure in each other's love. It is influenced by our family constellation: A woman who was outshone by a prettier or brighter sister is likely to have a grea ter predisposition to jealousy than a woman who was the favorite child in the fa mily. It is also influenced by childhood and adult attachment history: A person who had a secure attachment to his mother will be less likely to become jealous than an anxiously attached person, and A person who was betrayed by a trusted ma te is likely to develop a greater predisposition to jealousy in the future.\par\ pard\plain\hyphpar}{ A predisposition to jealousy may never express itself unless a triggering event brings it out. For a person with a high predisposition to jealousy, such a trigg

ering event can be as minor as a partner's glance at an attractive stranger pass ing by. For most people, however, the trigger for intense jealousy is a much mor e serious event, such as discovering that their mate had an illicit affair. For a person with an unusually low predisposition to jealousy, almost no event, shor t of ending the relationship because of a romantic involvement with a third pers on, can activate the jealous response.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ Throughout the book, as mentioned in the preface, five theoretical approaches to romantic jealousy will be presented. Each emphasizes a different aspect of the predisposition to jealousy (Pines, 1992). The psychodynamic approach focuses on the question, Why (10 certain people have an unusually high or low predispositio n to jealousy? It assumes that the answer can be found in people's childhood exp eriences. The systems approach asks, What is it about a particular relationship that increases or decreases a couple's predisposition to jealousy? It assumes th at the answer can he found in the repeated patterns in the couple's interactions . The behavioral approach asks, What increases an individual's predisposition to behave in a jealous way? It assumes that the answer can be found in learned beh aviors. The sociobiological approach asks, How have evolutionary forces of natur al selection shaped men's and women's innate predisposition to jealousy? It assu mes that the answer can be found in universal sex differences that exist in most human societies as well as in the animal world. The social-psychological approa ch asks, What effects does the culture have on people's predisposition to jealou sy? It assumes that the answer can be found in cultural norms, which define what people perceive as threatening and what responses are considered appropriate.\p ar\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ In the case of some gay couples, for example, as a result of' societal and famil ial pressures, one member of the couple may find it difficult to acknowledge ope nly their relationship, which decreases the other partner's sense of security an d thus increases the predisposition for jealousy. Sharon and Mary are an example .\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ Mary is a tall, slender, attractive, and elegantly dressed manager in a big publ ic relations firm. Her lover, Sharon, is chubby and less attractive, and works a s a lawyer in a small law firm. Mary does not want people in her firm to know sh e is gay. She feels this will seriously jeopardize her chances of being promoted . So she flirts with men she works with and makes sure she always has a man acco mpanying her to various social events in the firm. This causes great jealousy in Sharon.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ One could argue, of* course, that Sharon would have felt the same jealousy if sh e were married to an attractive and elegant man who didn't take her to company f unctions and that Mary's flirtations are even less of a threat because Sharon kn ows she is not attracted to men. Nonetheless, the humiliation caused by having t o keep their relationship secret, the feeling of being left out, and the threat that Mary may have a relationship with a man (to make sure people didn't think s he was gay) were very difficult for Sharon and caused tremendous jealousy.\par\p ard\plain\hyphpar}{\s4 \afs23 {\b {\qc Jealousy and Envy\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\plain \hyphpar}{ In defining jealousy, it's important to distinguish it from envy. Despite the fr equent confusion between the two terms in everyday use, jealousy and envy are ve ry different psychologically.2 Envy involves two people. The envious person want s something that belongs to the other person and doesn't want the other person t o have it. The object of envy can be the other person's mate, a good relationshi p, a desirable trait such as beauty or intelligence, a possession, success, or p opularity. Jealousy, on the other hand, involves three people. The jealous perso n responds to a threat to a valued relationship posed by a third person. This is true even when the third person exists only in the imagination of the jealous p erson. Lionel Kreeger summarizes these differences by saying that whereas jealou sy has a triadic basis, being concerned mainly with love and fear of loss, envy is contained within a diadic relationship and represents deeply entrenched destr

uctive impulses aimed at the removal or spoiling of desirable qualities in the o ther (Kreeger, 1992). Envy and jealousy have been described as being keyed to tw o basic conditions of human existence. Envy is connected with not having, while jealousy is connected with having (Anderson, 1987).\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ Gerrod Parrott and Richard Smith conducted two experiments to distinguish the ex periences of-envy and jealousy. In the first experiment subjects recalled a pers onal experience of either envy or jealousy. In the second experiment subjects re ad one of a set of stories in which circumstances producing envy and jealousy we re manipulated. The results of both studies revealed qualitative differences bet ween the two emotions. Envy was characterized by inferiority, longing, resentmen t, and disapproval of the emotion. Jealousy was characterized by fear of loss, d istrust, anxiety, and anger (Parrott & Smith, 1993).\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ People tend to mistake envy for jealousy, but not the other way around. Would yo u tell your husband that seeing him with his old girlfriend makes you envious or jealous? Would you say that you are jealous, or envious, of a friend who has ju st inherited a large amount of money? Most people would describe themselves in b oth cases as jealous, although what they actually feel in the second case is env y.'\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ This transposition often occurs because envy tends to have a more negative conno tation than jealousy; envy is perceived as less mitigated by love than is jealou sy (Joseph, 1986). While jealousy is a response to a threat to a love relationsh ip, envy is an expression of hostility toward a perceived superior and a desire not only to possess the advantage, but in extreme cases to destroy the superior. Leonard Shengold (1994) suggests that envy develops early in life and is charac terized by "destructive primal hatred." With age, it becomes modified in intensi ty and its primal murderous quality lessens. In cases of pathological envy there is a regression to the original primal envy. The person with such pathological "malignant" envy feels with delusional intensity that what the envied one has is not only urgently needed, but has been stolen from them.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar }{ If jealousy and envy are so distinct, why do people confuse them so often? Part of the reason lies in the fact that the jealous response includes, in many cases , a component of envy. A man who is jealous because his wife is having an affair with his best friend, for example, is likely to feel envious of his friend's su ccess with his wife. It has been suggested that part of the reason is that envy, which begins earlier in psychic development, with maturation becomes partly tra nsformed into jealousy (Shengold, 1994).\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ Jealousy and envy indeed seem to originate in different stages of our psychologi cal development. Jealousy originates primarily in emotional experiences children have during the Oedipal stage, when they are about two to three years old. (Thi s point will be elaborated in chapter three, during the discussion of the uncons cious roots of jealousy.) Envy, on the other hand, originates much earlier, in t he first months of a child's life.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ According to Freud, during the Oedipal stage children experience the first stirr ings of sexuality. Their sexual urge is directed toward the closest person of th e opposite sex. In the case of a boy, that means his mother; in the case of a gi rl, her father. The boy wants Mother to himself. Unfortunately he has a very pow erful competitor: Father. The competitor is bigger and stronger and has other ad vantages too, so the boy "loses" the contest. Through a similar process, the gir l "loses" Father to Mother. When the child becomes an adult, whenever a third pe rson presents a threat to a valued romantic relationship, the old painful wound is reopened and experienced as jealousy (Freud, 1922/1955).\par\pard\plain\hyphp ar}{ Envy, according to child psychoanalyst Melanie Klein, develops during the period from birth through the first year of life, in response to the baby's helplessne ss and dependence on Mother. "From the beginning of life, the infant turns to Mo ther for all his needs," Klein writes. "The mother's breast, toward which all th e infant's desires are directed, is instinctively felt to be the source not only of nourishment but also of life. An element of frustration, however, is bound t o enter into the infant's earliest relation to Mother, because even a happy feed

ing situation cannot altogether replace the prenatal unity with the mother." The frustration and helplessness the hungry baby experiences are the roots of envy. The baby "envies" Mother for her power to nurse him or deprive him of nourishme nt. In his angry frustration, he wants to devour the source of his nourishment a nd her power-the breast (Klein, 1986, pp. 211-229).\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ Even if we don't accept Klein's idea that the baby "envies" his mother's power t o feed him, we can still accept her idea that the early bond with Mother contain s the fundamental elements of the baby's future relationship to the world. When the bond is loving and satisfying, the baby will develop a basic sense of securi ty and trust toward people. When the bond is unloving and unsatisfying, deep-sea ted insecurity and envy will develop and the baby will grow up to be an envious adult. Whenever envy is triggered in such an adult, it reopens the early childho od wounds with all their destructive power.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ Klein believes that jealousy is based on envy, but is different from it nonethel ess. Her distinction between the two is similar to the one presented earlier: "E nvy is the angry feeling that another person possesses and enjoys something desi rable-the envious impulse being to take it away or to spoil it." Jealousy, on th e other hand, involves the person's relationship to at least two other people, a nd "is mainly concerned with love which the individual feels is his due and whic h has been taken away, or is in danger of being taken" (p. 212).\par\pard\plain\ hyphpar}{ Envy, as Klein and Shengold describe it, is an earlier, more primitive, and more destructive emotion than jealousy. It is different from the jealous desire to p rotect the relationship or get the beloved back. When there is a component of en vy in a jealousy situation, it is expressed in an impulse to destroy the person who has the advantage-either the rival or the beloved, who has the power to make one happy and chooses not to.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{\s4 \afs23 {\b {\qc Normal anti Abnormal Jealousy\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\pa r\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ After defining romantic jealousy and distinguishing it from envy, another import ant distinction needs to be made, that between normal and abnormal jealousy. An analysis of abnormal jealousy leads to some of the most extreme forms that jealo usy can take and some of its more dramatic consequences.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar} { Jealousy has produced pain, drama, and tragedy throughout history. A wide range of hostile, bitter, and painful events have been attributed to jealousy: murder, aggression, hatred, lowered selfesteem, depression, suicide and suicide attempt s, domestic violence, destruction of romantic relationships, marital problems, a nd divorce.` A nationwide survey of marriage counselors indicates that jealousy is a problem in one-third of all couples coming for marital therapy (White & Dev ine, 1991).\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ People who experienced intense jealousy describe it as an extremely painful, "cr azy" experience. A woman in one of my jealousy workshops said that jealousy was the most painful thing she had ever experienced:\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ I tried everything in an attempt to control it, but nothing, nothing worked. Now the only thing left for me is lobotomy. And believe me, I am tempted. I don't t hink l can live with this much pain any longer.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ Even when people who experience extreme jealousy have enough self-control not to resort to actual acts of violence, they often fantasize about such acts. A woma n who saw her ex-husband with his wife, who used to be her best friend, recalls: \par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ One day, as I was parking my car, I saw them in his new sports car parked right in front of me. It was a car he never let me drive but was now letting her use. Everything went white with rage in front of my eyes. I sat there trying to get h old of myself. I imagined myself putting my car in gear, accelerating, pushing m y foot all the way down on the gas pedal and slamming into them at full speed, f ull force. I could feel the impact of the crash in my body, and hear the sound o f metal and glass crashing.... I don't know what force helped me control the urg

e to destroy everything.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ Most people have faced jealousy at some point in their lives, even if they don't consider it a problem." Anyone who has experienced intense jealousy is well awa re of its power and potential destructiveness. This helps explain people's great fascination with stories about the wild things some people are driven to do out of jealousy. One such story involves a middle-aged woman whose husband left her for it younger woman. With the help of "a friend, the outraged wife kidnapped h er rival at gun-point, shaved her head, stripped her naked, cover(,(] her with t ar and feathers, and released her at the city dump. I read the story in the news paper and subsequently heard it repeated over and over again, with great delight , by women who identified with the revenge of the deposed wife.\par\pard\plain\h yphpar}{ We tend to show more understanding toward people who commit "hot-blooded" crimes motivated by jealousy than we do toward people who commit "cold-blooded" crimes motivated by greed. We feel a certain identification with the betrayed lover wh o "had his revenge," who (fared do something most of us can only imagine as a fi tting revenge for an unfaithful lover or a rival.'\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ Even the law in some countries treats "crimes of'passion" with relative leniency . In a famous case that happened some years ago in Italy, a man who suspected hi s wife of infidelity bought a gun and drove all the way from Rome, where he live d, to Milan, where he had reason to suspect that his wife was spending time with her lover. He arrived in Milan, caught his wife and her lover together in bed, shot them both dead, and was tried and found not guilty on grounds of temporary insanity.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ Is jealousy a form of madness? Getting back to the examples presented at the beg inning of this chapter, one can ask, Is a man who is sitting in the bushes on a rainy night, spying on a woman, sane? What about a woman who kicks a man in the groin, or one who covers another woman with tar and feathers? What about a man w ho kills two people in a jealous rage?\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ Jealousy, as these examples show, lies somewhere in the gray area between sanity and madness. Some reactions to it are so natural that a person who doesn't show them seems in some way "not normal." Think, for example, about a man whose wife has just informed him that she has fallen in love with another man, and who say s in response, "How wonderful for you, darling."\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ Other reactions seem so excessive that one doesn't need to be an expert to know that they are pathological. An example is the man who is so suspicious of his lo ving and faithful wife that he constantly spies on her, makes surprise visits, l istens in on her phone conversations, checks her underpants for stains, records the mileage in her car for unexplained trips, and, despite her repeatedly proven fidelity, continues to suspect her and suffer from tremendous jealousy.\par\par d\plain\hyphpar}{ While the responses of these two husbands seem completely different from each ot her, there is an important similarity between them. Both are very inappropriate. In one case the husband is not responding to a real threat to his marriage: His wife might leave him for the other man. In the other, the husband is responding with jealousy when there's no real threat. Indeed, both cases are considered pa thological. The first is an example of "pathological tolerance," the second an e xample of "pathological jealousy."7\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ For most people, even if jealousy produces tremendous pain and distress, it rema ins an inner experience that does not cross the boundary to violent action. The woman I described earlier, whose estranged husband started dating her best frien d shortly after their separation, said:\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ I have daydreams in which I go into her apartrnenl with a sledgehammer and start destroying things, furniture, records, windows. I can virtually hear the glass breaking.... These fantasies have a way of calming ine down, even if I know I wi ll never carry them out.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ Does that seem like an appropriate response? What if the other woman were not he r best friend? What if she knew that her husband left her because of that "best friend"? And what if, instead of imagining the sledgehammer destruction, she wer e actually to do it?\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{

The more a response seems (in Freud's words) to "derive from the actual situatio n" and be "proportionate to the real circumstances;" the more "normal" it is (Fr eud, 1922/1955). Freud, and modern-day psychologists, differentiate "normal" fro m "delusional" jealousy. Normal jealousy has its basis in a real threat to the r elationship, while delusional jealousy persists despite the absence of real or p robable threat. The husband who suspects and spies on his wife, despite her fait hfulness and devotion to him, presents a good example of delusional jealousy.\pa r\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ Why would someone "choose" to suffer the incredible pains Of delusional jealousy if there is no basis for it in reality? One explanation is that through jealous y the person is trying to overcome an unresolved childhood trauma of betrayal. A nother explanation focuses on couples' interactions that help maintain such a je alousy problem. A third explanation views the roots of the jealousy problem in b ehaviors that were learned earlier in life and that persist even when no longer appropriate. An additional explanation, which will not be discussed in this book , emphasizes the role of different organic, neurological, and physical disorders .8\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ In addition to the distinction between a real and imagined threat, another disti nction can be made between a "normal" (which is to say, appropriate) and an "abn ormal" (meaning inappropriate, "pathological," "morbid;") response to a jealousy trigger.9\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ Instead of the negative and judgmental connotation implied in the ordinary usage of' the word "abnormal" (that is, crazy, pathological, sick), it is more useful to think of "normal" as a statistical term that describes what is typical or av erage. People experience as broad a range of jealous responses as the range of d ifferent physical and emotional characteristics they possess. The vast majority fall in the middle range and are thus defined as normal. A small minority fall i n the lowest part of the scale and are defined as abnormally low. A similar mino rity fall in the highest part of the scale and are defined as abnormally high.10 \par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ If' we were to consider such a thing as height, for example, most people are of "normal" height, a small percentage are "abnormally" short, and a similar minori ty are "abnormally" tall. Abnormal in this case does not mean crazy or sick; it simply means the lowest and highest ends of the scale.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ The same thing that can be said about height, weight, strength, or beauty can be said about jealousy. The majority of people are in the middle (that is, the "no rmal") range of the jealousy scale. The few that arc at the highest end of the s cale, who see a threat even when none exists, arc "abnormally" jealous; the few in the lowest part of the scale, who don't see it threat even when it's obviousl y there, are "abnormally nonjealous"\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ This point is more than a mere semantic distinction. All too often, people who e xperience jealousy are so shaken by the intensity of their emotions and the thin gs they find themselves doing or wishing they could do-such as spying on an ex-l over or day-dreaming about destroying a house with a sledgehammer-that they jump to the conclusion "I must be crazy!" This kind of a conclusion is not very usef ul and is also very likely incorrect. Most "normal" people experience intense je alousy when a valued relationship is threatened.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ Actually, from the description of the way jealousy is expressed and treated in d ifferent cultures, one may conclude that "normal" is simply that which is consid ered an appropriate response in a particular culture." No matter how abnormal a certain response to jealousy may seem, chances are that it is (or was) considere d normal somewhere.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ This is not to say that there aren't cases of abnormal jealousy, which is to say , pathological, delusional, morbid. There are, but they are few and the exceptio n. We hear so much about them precisely because they are truly outside the "norm al" range and are therefore particularly fascinating both to the lay person and to the professional. 22\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ Most abnormal cases of jealousy have one or both of the following features: (1) they are not related to a real threat to a valued relationship, but to some inne r trigger of the jealous individual, and (2) the jealous response is excessive,

dramatic, exaggerated, or violent. This may be a good place to introduce the dis tinction between chronic and acute jealousy.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{\s4 \afs23 {\b {\qc Chronic and Acute Jealousy\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\p ard\plain\hyphpar}{ Acute jealousy happens to people who never thought they were jealous when they d iscover that their partner has been unfaithful. While their reaction is a respon se to a real event, it is often excessive, dramatic, exaggerated, and experience d by them as abnormal. Indeed, it has been suggested by several writers (e.g. Gl ass & Wright, 1997; Lusterman, 1995) that the symptoms of \u9658?nany betrayed s pouses are strikingly similar to the posttraumatic stress reactions of the victi ms of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse. The symptoms of posttraumatic stres s disorder (PTSD) cluster into three categories: intrusion, which involves recou nting and reexperiencing the trauma (e.g. traumatic images of the moment of the discovery, obsessive ruminating, flashbacks); constriction, which is evidenced b y avoidance and numbing behaviors (e.g. loss of interest in other people and the outside world); and I\u9658?yperarousal, which is characterized by physiologic arousal and extreme hypervigilance (e.g. insomnia, irritability, startle respons es) (American Psychiatric Association, 1994).\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ While the outside manifestations of acute and chronic jealousy may be similar, t he cause of the jealous response and its duration are very different. In the cas e of acute jealousy, the response is extreme, but it is temporary and to a speci fic event. In the case of chronic jealousy, the individual indicates a predispos ition to jealousy that is related to childhood experiences and low self-confiden ce. This person is likely to experience jealousy even in situations where most p eople will not perceive a threat.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ I would also like to note that some social scientists reject altogether the noti on of abnormal jealousy as it applies to the individual. They believe that what is normal or abnormal is defined by the culture and that the individual has litt le to do with it.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ For those who are concerned about whether someone is "abnormally jealous," chapt er two and The Ronrmrtic Jealousy Questionnaire (see Appendix B) may prove helpf ul. In the latter readers are presented with a series of questions aimed at help ing them diagnose their jealousy. Filling out the questionnaire may be interesti ng even for people who don't have a jealousy problem. It may make reading the re st of the book, and especially the following chapter, more personally relevant.\ par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ After discussing some of the extreme forms that jealousy takes as, in Shakespear e's words, "the green-eyed monster," we can move on to a discussion of jealousy as the shadow of love.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{\s4 \afs23 {\b {\qc Romantic Jealousy as the Shadow of Love\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\plain\h yphpar}\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ Whatever it is that draws two people to each other will shape the jealousy they may experience. One way to demonstrate this is with the help of an exercise. The exercise is especially recommended for people who suffer from a jealousy proble m and for therapists working with such people.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ Think back to the time you first met or got to know your mate, and try to recall as best you can the way you felt. What was it that most attracted you? What was it that made you think (right away, or at some point later) that this was the p erson with whom you wanted to share your life? What was the most important thing the relationship gave you? Was it a feeling of security? Of being respected and listened to? Of being desired or adored?\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ Now switch to the present, and consider the primary component of your jealousy, the most painful thoughts and feelings associated with your jealousy. Is it a fe ar of being abandoned? Is it humiliation and loss of face? Is it loss of self-es teem? Is it a rage at being lied to?\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ The third part of this exercise is the hardest, the most challenging, and the mo

st significant. Think: Could there be some connection between the things That th e relationship gave you initially and the primary components of your jealousy?\p ar\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ Why is it so important to note the connection between what attracted people to e ach other-the most valuable thing the relationship gave them initially-and the p rimary components of their jealousy? Because it proves that jealousy is indeed t he shadow of love. It also serves as a reminder to people that they didn't just happen to be in their relationship. They chose to be in it. Something in themsel ves attracted them to their mate. And something in themselves makes them experie nce jealousy the way they do. That something is their romantic image.\par\pard\p lain\hyphpar}{ Psychologists have invested a,great deal of effort in studying who falls in love with whom.' They discovered similarities among couples across a wide range of v ariables, including personality characteristics, intelligence, values, family ba ckground, education, income and social status, sex of siblings, attitude toward parents and happiness of parents' marriage, religious affiliation, tendency to b e a "lone wolf" or socially gregarious, preference to "stay at home" or be "on t he go," drinking and smoking habits, number of friends, physical attractiveness and various other physical attributes, mental health, and psychological maturity .\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ Even when two people are similar in several of the traits mentioned in the list, they probably still feel that these were not the "real" reasons they fell in lo ve with each other. Yet, after they made their romantic choice, these were the t hings that told them that their choice was right. The romantic choice itself-the spark the two people felt-was based on their internalized romantic image.14\par \pard\plain\hyphpar}{\s4 \afs23 {\b {\qc The Romantic Image\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\plai n\hyphpar}{ People develop their romantic images very early in life, based on powerful child hood experiences. Parents influence the development of these romantic images in two primary ways: (1) by the way they express, or don't express, love toward the child, and (2) by the way they express, or don't express, love toward each othe r. One way to discover the romantic image is with the help of the following exer cise.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ Think back to the earliest time in your life you can remember. (It maybe helpful to think about a house you lived in, a place you liked to play, or a particular event that sticks in your memory.) Who took care of you? Who taught you the mea ning of love? Was it your mother? your father? an older sibling? a grandparent? Who else was important to you as a child? Try to recall as much as you can about these people-not the way they are now, but the way you experienced them in your childhood. What were their most important traits, both good and bad? What was t he most notable characteristic of their relationship with each other? What was t he most important thing they gave you? What was the thing you most wanted but di dn't get? Were they unfaithful to each other? Were they jealous?\par\pard\plain\ hyphpar}{ The positive and negative features of the people who raisecl us are the building blocks of our romantic images. But while our romantic image is influenced by ou r mother, our father, and other people who reared us, there is an important diff erence between their negative and positive traits. The negative traits tend to h ave more influence on our romantic image. The reason for this is not, as one psy chologist has suggested, that people tend to marry their worst nightmare, but th at people seek in the beloved what they did not get from their parents (Bergman, 1995). If a girl's father was unfaithful to her mother, his unfaithfulness will become an important component of the girl's romantic image. If a boy's mother h ad Irecluent fits of jealousy, this will become an important component of his ro mantic image.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ As adults, people look for someone who his their romantic image in a significant way. When they meet such a person, they project their internalized image onto h

im or her. This is why, when they fall in love, they say such things as: "I feel as if I've known you all my life." This is also why they are so often surprised after the infatuation is over. It's as if they didn't see the person, only the projection of their own romantic image.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ The person who fits an individual's romantic image is also the person who is bes t able to help them work through their childhood traumas. For example, although it would seem to make sense for the woman whose father was unfaithful to look fo r a man who is sure to be faithful, this is not what usually happens. In fact, a woman like this most often falls in love with playboys just like her father-not because she needs to repeat her childhood trauma, but because only a man who re sembles her father can give her what she didn't get from her father. The paradox is that she marries such a man because he resembles her father, yet what she wa nts most desperately is for him not to behave the way her father did. She wants him-a sexy, flirtatious man with women always flocking around him-to be a faithf ul husband and give her the security she didn't get as it child. Even if this do es not happen, by repeating her childhood trauma as an adult, with some measure of control over her life, she can-and often does-achieve some healing. \par\pard \plain\hyphpar}{ The effects of a romantic image are not always that direct and straightforward. A boy who was a witness to his mother's unfaithfulness may choose to marry a wom an whose most redeeming quality is her faithfulness. Ilow will he then be able t o "work" on his childhood trauma? By suspecting his faithful wife of infidelity. The repeated proof of her innocence helps heal his wound. It shows that, unlike his father, he is the one and only for his wife.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ Because the person one chooses to fall in love with has such an important influe nce on one's inner life, the discovery of such a person is a powerful event. Lov e can give one's whole life a sense of meaning. When someone gives meaning to yo ur life, the threat of losing that person can be devastating. Indeed, the result s of a study on love and jealousy show that people who invest such existential s ignificance in love relationships tend to be particularly sensitive to the threa t of their loss (Lester et al., 1985).\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ Most people have some unresolved conflicts they carry from their childhood. Some have more of them, some have fewer. For some, these conflicts are serious and p roblematic, for others they are less so. People may experience these conflicts a s fears, as vulnerabilities, as insecurities. When they fall in love and their l ove is reciprocated, these fears and vulnerabilities seem to vanish. They are lo ved despite their imperfections. It makes them feel safe. But when this love is threatened, the fears and insecurities that they thought had gone forever come h ack in full force. If this person whom they love-the person who they thought lov ed them despite their flaws-is going to leave them for another, then there is no hope. Now they may feel insecure even in those things they love in themselves. As glowing as love was, so dark is the shadow of its possible loss.\par\pard\pla in\hyphpar}{ Even people whose upbringing was loving, secure, and relatively problem-free, an d who are burdened by few unresolved conflicts, respond to the threat or the act ual loss of love in a similar way. Their response, however, is likely to be appr opriate and proportionate to the situation. Because they are not as desperately dependent on their love relationship as is someone who is trying to work through a childhood trauma, they are less likely to perceive a threat when none exists, and an actual threat seems less overwhelming to them. Yet they, too, respond wi th jealousy when a third person threatens a romantic relationship for which they care deeply.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ If even well-adjusted people who had a happy childhood experience jealousy, then we can assume that everyone experiences jealousy at some point in life. This se ems a logical conclusion considering the origins of jealousy. All of us were inf ants once, and as a result we all carry certain vulnerabilities and fears. As lo ving as our parents may have been, we all were left hungry and cold at times and thus had an opportunity to feel fear of abandonment. Similarly, at one time or another we all have had to compete for the exclusive love of 'a parent or a care taker, and have lost. Since these experiences are universal, say psychologists l

ike Freud, then jealousy is universal.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ Jealousy need not be the green-eyed monster that destroys people and relationshi ps. Recognizing it as the shadow of love gives couples an opportunity to examine two important questions:\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ What is the essence of your love? What was it that attracted you to each other i nitially, and what is the most important thing the relationship has given each o ne of y'ou"?\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ What is the shadow that VOUr love casts when it is threatened? What is the threa t or the loss that the jealous person is responding to? Even if the jealousy is not grounded in reality, what is it focused on: a loss of love? of face? of self -worth? (Pestrak el at., 1986).\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ Jealousy has been described as an eruption that can be transcended only through awareness. As people move-with awareness-into the core of their jealous)', they discover ungrounded expectations, projections, envy, loss of self-esteem, and in fantile fears and insecurities (Swami, 1983). Other times they may discover extr eme ego insecurity, serious hostility, low frustration tolerance, dire love need s, dependency, obsessive-compulsive attachments, misdiagnosing a partner's unlov ing or provocative behavior, and childhood traumas and conditioning (Ellis, 1996 ).\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ These are not "nice" discoveries. In fact, they may be so unpleasant that some p eople will try hard to avoid them. Yet, avoiding, denying, or even suppressing a problem from consciousness doesn't make it go away. To solve a jealousy problem , a much more effective approach is an open and honest examination of the issues involved. Such an examination can do more than help relieve the jealous person' s perceived threat. It can also help enhance the relationship and deepen both ma tes' commitment to each other. The next chapter offers an opportunity for just t his kind of examination.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{\s4 \afs23 {\b {\qc A Note to Therapists\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\pl ain\hyphpar}{ When an individual, or a couple, comes to therapy with a jealousy problem, it is important first to examine both mates' predisposition to jealousy, including cu ltural background, family background, family constellation, and experiences with intimate relationships.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ In my experience, couples find the definition of jealousy (response to a perceiv ed threat to a valued relationship), the distinction among its three components (cognitive, emotional, behavioral) and between chronic and acute jealousy, and t he fact that it is normal and universal very comforting.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar} { This chapter contains several exercises that can be used very effectively in the context of individual therapy, couple therapy, and couple's workshop. One is fi nding the connection between what attracted the couple to each other originally and what is at the core of their jealousy problem (jealousy as the shadow of lov e). The other entails identifying the internalized romantic image a person or a couple has and the connection between that romantic image and the jealousy probl em.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\~ {\s1 \afs32 {\b {\qr 2\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{\s2 \a fs28 {\b {\qr Are You a {\line } Jealous Person?\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\plain\ hyphpar}{\qc {\*\shppict{\pict\picw117\pich36\jpegblip

ffd8ffe000104a46494600010101004800480000ffdb004300100b0c0e0c0a100e0d0e1211101318 281a181616183123251d283a333d3c3933383740485c4e40 4457453738506d51575f626768673e4d71797064785c656763ffc0000b080024007501011100ffc4 001a00010101010101010000000000000000000001050403 0207ffc4002910000202020103030207000000000000000102000304111205215113314114812252 616291a1b1ffda0008010100003f00fd0224962248962249 62224332727a9be3d590f918ceb5d6c4000125d7c823b7da757480c9d331d1ec363a205624ecec0e fb9db138f3326ea2da96ba4ba3ef9b804f0f1d877ef38fa7 64fd4f57cab36ea02ad5c4ef8b30d9246ff4659b124f3c876af1ec7ad0d8eaa4aa03ae47c4c5cecf 7ba9c6a6c5b29b6d756da865f4f8e98efc8d033754ed4107 60fc89f51132facdf75071ca565ea2c43fbeb7afc3bd7c6fde7863f4d362b54d735945953abed741 59bf278f73fd4d3c3a1f1ea2b659eab93b67e3adf603dbed 3a279649b171ad34a86b421280fc9d76981455766d46d57b29bbd3e01381058f624bec79f81f135a 9c0f4b35af5b355b10de9f1f660bc760f8d01da774930fa8 b5b7750bb12d052ab11425841200d1e447eedebfd9eebd3adb1791bc8b12ef52ab1d76c471d10c3b 796fe44d2a6b14d29583b08a147da7a444912c49112c4912 c44444444444444444ffd9 }} \par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ {\qr 0! What damned minules tensc he o'er who dotes, yet doubts; suspects, yet soundl y loves!\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ {\qr -Olhella, 111, 165\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ {\qr "thou tyrant, tyrant jealousy. Thou tyrant of the mind.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\ par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ {\qr -John Dryden, The Sony of Jealousy\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\plain\hyphpa r}{\qc {\*\shppict{\pict\picw120\pich42\jpegblip ffd8ffe000104a46494600010101004800480000ffdb004300100b0c0e0c0a100e0d0e1211101318 281a181616183123251d283a333d3c3933383740485c4e40 4457453738506d51575f626768673e4d71797064785c656763ffc0000b08002a007801011100ffc4 001a00010003010101000000000000000000000001040503 0207ffc4002a10000202020102050402030000000000000102000304111205211314315181224161 7133a162d1f0ffda0008010100003f00fa04444444444444 44444a2fd5284cab71cef9d2a19f640d03fb3dfe24748becc9c67b9dd6c46b1bc2751ada6fb4bf12 b66e6578348b6ddf12c17b7b93a1fa952ccf6b7a962e3d2c 013c9adace89e1aec763f3a1f334e4c4ce3d5f188bc962894394b1c91a523efadeff00a9dba5bdf6 74ea1f275e33202c40d6cfea5b8894baae5f94c7adb60789 6ad7c8fa2f23adff00df7d4a0832aeb6b17a6f1ee73c51bf95178fdfd86c7a7af7f896ba3e25b895 1aed545e2a10703d980de9b5f63ad4d2913097332b3dcf95 21785ae1cb8fa155495d1f727d64d785758f464ad4819d0ad9b3a2a760861dbd3b1edf9fdcdc9333 fa9e7794b31eae2e7c6e5dd06cfd237a1f93fee507c3cccb 47c5cc087c4a6ce2c0eca127e90fdbbf63fd1f5f59a7d3abb2ba5bc545ad99b7c14ec0ec37af9d9f 99722273ba9aefacd76a2ba3762ac360c8a68aa85e355688 3fc5753ac44afe4f1fc636f835f36f56e23667793138e4635394812fa92c507603a8600fbf79eeaa 92a5e28aaa3d946a7b888888888888888888888888888888 89ffd9 }} \par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ Are you a jealous person? When I asked this question of 728 people in three diff erent studies, slightly more than half (54/0) answered "Yes, I am a jealous pers on." Close to half (46\u176?/0) answered "No, I am not a jealous person."I\par\p ard\plain\hyphpar}{

Nearly all of the people who described themselves as not jealous have experience d jealousy at some point in their lives. Furthermore, their experiences were rat her similar to those of the people who described themselves as jealous. But as w e shall see, the difference in self-perception between people who define themsel ves as "a jealous person" and those who do not has far reaching implications for coping.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{\s4 \afs23 {\b {\qc The Experience of Jealousy\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\p ard\plain\hyphpar}{ In order to identify the components of the experience of jealousy, the following exercise is recommended:\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ Try to recall the event that produced your most extreme jealousy. Even if this i s difficult, recall the event with as much vividness and as many details as poss ible. What related incidents preceded it? What was your relationship like prior to it? Where and when did it take place? What was the jealousy trigger? Who was the interloper? When it happened, how did your mate look? How did you feel? What did you think? Ideally, you should recall enough details to be able to reproduc e the event on stage or on a movie screen.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ Once you have the event firmly and clearly in your memory, try to recall how int ensely you experienced each of the physical, emotional, and cognitive (thoughts) components of jealousy presented on the next page.2 Did you experience the part icular component very intensely, moderately, or not at all?\par\pard\plain\hyphp ar}{ The majority of the people who responded to the jealousy questionnaire (see Appe ndix B) experienced many of the components of jealousy to some extent and experi enced those at the top of each list more intensely than those at the bottom. Peo ple who had experienced all the items in the list very intensely, or else didn't experience any at all, belong to that small minority that is either "abnormally jealous" or else "abnormally not jealous." Abnormal, as noted in chapter one, d oesn't mean pathological, but outside the middle range where the majority of res ponses fall.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ The guided memory exercise and the jealousy questionnaire can be used by lay peo ple as well as by therapists either in the context of individual therapy or of a jealousy workshop.\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ It is important to note that the experience of jealousy reported by people who d escribed themselves both as "jealous" and as "not jealous" was similar; the only difference was in intensity. Those who described themselves as "a jealous perso n" reported experiencing feelings of pain, grief, inferiority, aggression, and r esentment "intensely," whereas those who described themselves as "not jealous" r eported experiencing them "moderately." In all other cases the differences betwe en the two groups were even smaller. This seems to suggest that despite its comp lexity, jealousy has some universal and identifiable features.3\par\pard\plain\h yphpar}{ {\qc SPECIAL_IMAGE-page0036_0000.svg-REPLACE_ME \par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\pl ain\hyphpar}{\s4 \afs23 {\b {\qc Situations That Trigger Jealousy\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}\par\pard\plain\hyphpar} \par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ The intensity of people's experience of jealousy, not surprisingly, is related t o the circumstances in which it is aroused. The following situations were presen ted to subjects in my studies. All of them are real situations that happened to real people. Other researchers also found that situational threats predict jealo us responses through their effect on the appraisal of threat (e.g. Melamed, 1991 ; Radecki-Bush et al., 1993).\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ How much jealousy would you experience when (no jealousy? n\u9658?od- erate jeal ousy? ex[ren\u9658?e jealousy?):\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ \u9632? during a party, your mate is flirtatious and spends a great deal of time

dancing intimately and behaving provocatively with someone else?\par\pard\plain \hyphpar}{ \u9632? your mate spends a great deal of time during a party dancing with someon e else?\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ \u9632? your mate spends a great deal of time during a party talking to someone else?\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ \u9632? you are at a party and your mate disappears for a long period of time?\p ar\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ \u9632? you are at a party, and for a brief time you realize you don't know wher e voce- male is?\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ \u9632? your phone rings and the caller either says, "Sorry, wrong number," or s imply hangs up?\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ \u9632? you call your mate and the line is busy?\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ Most of the people who answered this question thought they would be most jealous in the first situation-when their mate is behaving provocatively. They thought they would not feel jealous in the last three situations-when the phone is busy, someone hangs up on you, or you don't know where your mate is during a party. I f even these last situations cause a jealous response, the person is probably "a bnormally" jealous. This can be a temporary condition caused by the recent disco very of'an affair or a more permanent condition. If the first situation doesn't cause jealousy, the person is probably "abnormally" nonjealous.\par\pard\plain\h yphpar}{ The majority of people who answered the question felt jealous even in situations Icss extreme than having their mate dance inti mately with someone else; for ma ny, such behavior is a good enough reason to get out of the relationship, not ju st the party. Seeing one's mate spend a lot of time during a party dancing with someone else (even if it is "only because s/he is a great dancer") is enough to make most people jealous. The same goes for seeing one's mate spend a great deal of time during a party talking to someone else (even when it is "only because h e or she is working in the same company and it's good politics"). People who fin d themselves in such situations, and their mate "can't understand" why they are making such a big fuss over an "innocent" dance or conversation, can comfort the mselves (and enlighten their mate) with the knowledge that most people would hav e responded the same way. In other words, contrary to what their mate may think or say, they are not "abnormally" jealous. \par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ Here arc some other common jealousy triggers. Would you (or do you) experience j ealousy when your mate:\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ \u9632? has a lover?\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ \u9632? has an intimate friend who is single and available?\par\pard\plain\hyphp ar}{ \u9632? has an intimate friend?\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ \u9632? is associating with single available people?\par\pard\plain\hyphpar}{ \u9632? expresses appreciation/interest in a casual ac