One Thousand Laughs From Vaudeville

This is a reproduction of a library book that was digitized by Google as part of an ongoing effort to preserve the information in books and make it universally accessible.

http://books.google.com

vaudeville from laughs thousand One

PRICE 25 CENTS — THE EST JOKE and COMIC BOOKS PUBLISH OVER A MILLION COPIES SOL s These Books contain the best Up-t' Jokes, Stories and Monologues, Shon and Toasts told on the Vaudeville a strel Stage by Mclntyre and Heatli, tvi. ^ P. Sweatman, Charlie Case, Ben Welch, Joe Welch, Dave Warfield, Otis Harlan, Little Chip, Lew Dockstader, Nat Wills and over one hundred other prominent comedians. 1. New Jokes by Old Jokers, No. 1 2. New Jokes by Old Jokers, No. 2 S. New Jokes and Monologues by Best Jokers, No. 3 4. New Jokes and Monologues by Best Jokers, No. 4 5. New Jokes and Monologues by Best Jokers, No. 5 6. New Jokes and Monologues by Best Jokers, No. 6 7. Dan Feely's Original Joke Book 8. New Hebrew Jokes by Best Jokers (new) 9. On a Slow Train (original story) 10. On a Fast Train Through Texas, by Irv Ott 11. The Fun Doctor 12. New Minstrel and Black-Face Joke Book. (End Men's Gags) 13. New Vaudeville Joke Book 14. New Tramp Joke Book 15. Red Wagon Stories ( very funny Circus Stories) 16. New Dutch Jokes 17. New Irish Jokes and Monologues 18. New Combination Joke Book 19. New Italian Jokes and Recitations 20. New Polite Vaudeville Joke Book 21. Told on the Train (new and original) 22. Automobile Joke Book 23. One Thousand Laughs from Vaude ville Any of the above Books sent postpaid for 25 Cents Per Copy. I. & M. OTTENHEIMER, PUBLISHERS, 800 802 E. FAYETTE ST. Cor FRONT ST. BALTIMORE f > MARYLAND

ONE

S

THOUSAND

FROM

LAUGHS

VAUDEVILLE

THE FUNNY EFFORTS OF THE LEADING MONO. LOGISTS, COMEDIANS, SKETCH ARTISTS AND JOKERS. THE BEST STORIES TOLD BY

Fred Niblo, Raymond & Caverly, Ben Welch, Cliff Gordon, Jack Hazard, Jack Norworth, Nat Wills,

Stewart Barnes, Julius Tannen, George Evans, Joe Deming, Lonely Haskell, Joe Welch, Billy Van,

AND OTHERS. Illustrated. Copyright, 1908, by I. & M. Ottenheimer.

I. & M. OTTENHEIMER, PUBLISHERS 800-802 E. FAYETTE ST. BALTIMORE, MD. "VRWTED ffl I/. 3. A."

-A Ufv c. - ' • j UibrarJ

AUTHOR'S INTRODUCTION. The success attained by us with our other Joke Books has been so pleasing that we offer the preseut: volume with considerable confidence.

We have re

ceived many letters from professionals, who with won derful praise assure us that they are the best books of their kind ever published. This in itself is very pleas ant, as the book was not designed for professionals alone, but for the general public. We have expended a great deal of time and money in compiling "iooo Laughs from Vaudeville," and we trust that its readers will find it as interesting as our other Joke Books. If you haven't read our other Joke Books, be sure to read them. Beware of imitators. Yours for fun, THE AUTHOR.

The Matter in This Book Has Never Ap peared in Print Before.

THE PROTECTION OP THE COPYRIGHT

UPON

THIS

BOOK WILL BE ZEALOUSLY GUARDED

TO

THE

MOST

MINUTE PARTICULAR, AND THE SLIGHTEST INFRINGE MENT

WILL

BE

VIGOR

OUSLY AND PERSISTENTLY

Prosecuted.

PIRATES

BEWARE.

ONE

THOUSAND

FROM

LAUGHS

VAUDEVILLE

GEORGE (HONEY BOY) EVANS, THE POPU LAR BLACK-FACE COMEDIAN AND MONOLOGUIST. Tell me one thing, tell me truly, Won't you kindly tell me, please— Is Philadelphia a regular city, Or is it a disease? "Have you ever been to a party in Philadelphia?" "Have you ever seen anything to go to there ?" "Have you ever found any reason for Philadelphia?" "I spent Sunday there, and honestly that was all you could spend, because that town is as dead as an Egyp tian mummy. I was very thirsty, so I asked a man in the depot where I could get a drink. He said the only place he knew of was down at the river. I sighted a policeman over on the corner. Yes, he was a regular human being policeman. I don't know how he come to be out, but I determined to ask him. So I went over and told him I was a stranger in z

8

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

the city and wanted a drink very bad, and asked him if he knew where one could be had. He said if he did he would be there himself drinking it right then, in stead of standing on the corner. So I went into a nearby hotel and asked if I could get a drink. The clerk asked me if I realized I was in Philadelphia and on a Sunday. I said I guessed so, and went over and found the proprietor standing in the dining room. I asked him if he knew where I could get a drink. He looked serious, winked at me and led me up four flights of stairs into a room on the top floor. There he shut and locked the door, pulled down the blind and said : 'No, do you?' When I got into the street again I met a drummer I knew and asked him what was the best thing he had ever seen in Philadelphia. He said the best thing he ever saw there was the train for New York. "I am glad to see so many beautiful ladies out in Jront, and to note that here in the middle of winter they are wearing those lovely summer shirtwaists—those delightful peek-a-boo shirtwaists. I didn't like them at first. You see, I didn't understand them. But I can see through them now. "The ladies, God bless them! Do you know that there are a great many men who know absolutely nothing about women. And there are other men who wished they knew absolutely nothing about women. They are funny creatures. Did you ever hear a little four-foot-high woman saying to her six-foot husband as he is leaving home after supper : 'Henry, if you are not home by 9 o'clock I'll beat the life out of you when you do come home.' He's going out to see his affinity.

1000 LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

9

Now, don't laugh, girls ; they are nice things to have, but not around the house. My wife won't let me. I had one once, but I sold her to a friend for a quarter. I beat him out of fifteen cents. "Well, here I am looking for a job. Do you know it's the funniest thing that I can't hold a job more than ten or fifteen years. I have just left Stewart's. Girls, I'll bet that will sting you. I was employed behind the notion counter, and an old vinegar, dill-pickle face woman came in and said : " 'Young man, I would like to see some bustles.' "I said: 'So would I, if you think we won't get pinched, but I can't show them to you right here.' " 'Why not?' she asked, assuming one of those looks that Eleanor Glynn tells about in 'Three Weeks.' " 'Well,' said I, 'the reason is this counter is at the front of the store, and bustles are generally kept in the rear.' "Then she looked mad and went out. "The next customer was a little old woman who looked like three cents worth of soap after a hard day's washing. She said : 'Young man, I want to see your corsets.' "Well, I just looked at her in amazement and said : 'Madam, I am not vain, but my figure is all my own.' "She looked at me mad like and said : 'Where is the nice, polite little gentleman who was at this counter last summer—that civilized person with one eye named Sam?' "I said : 'Tell me the name of his other eye and I will try and find out for you.' "The next customer was a regular village cut>uj},

i

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

II

One of those fluffy-ruffles mother boys about as thick as a toothpick. You know, one of those nifty college boys who plays the piano and sings 'Every Morn I Bring You Violets/ when he couldn't bring you a nickel's worth of milk. He said: 'Are you the proprietor?' " 'No/ I replied ; 'give me a chance. I've only been here two days. Come around Saturday and I'll let you know what kind of luck I've had/ "Then he looked at me and said: 'Really/ just like he had mush in his mouth, and gave me a look that made me feel like yelling, 'Lizzie's here/ "Finally I said : 'Come, now, what do you want?* " 'I want a collar/ said it. " 'Horse or dog?' I enquired. " 'I want a man's collar/ he twittered, 'size twelve and a half.' "Just then somebody turned on the electric fan and blew him through the transom. "By the time I had gotten rid of him a swell-looking girl came in and said : 'Have you any special sales to day?* "I told her we had a special sale of garters, but she looked shocked and said : 'I guess they come high/ " 'They would on you—you're tall/ I told her, and she said, 'Rubber !' I told her if I did I'd lose my job. Well, just then the floor walker came up and said: 'Young man, you are too strong for this department. Go over to the fortune-teller. She has something to say to you.' So over to the palmistry department I went, and Gypsy Queen took my hand and said : 'You are going away from here/ She was the first fortune teller I ever had tell me the truth. Iw lan-

f

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

13

ager said I had presided over the counter long enough. Don't laugh. I was the president of the counter. I'll never be president of the United States—I'm a Demo crat. Yes, I voted for Bryan. A friend of mine came to me and said: 'Vote for Bryan and prosperity will come.' So I voted for Bryan, and prosperity came, and that's why I'm going to vote for him again. When I was a small boy going to school we had a lovely lady teacher, and we boys used to think a great deal of her. One morning Johnny Jones brought her a lovely rose, and she smiled on him and patted him on the head. Willie Smith took the cue from Johnny, and the next day he brought her a couple of fine, big red apples, and she thanked him so nicely and then bent over and kissed him. Then I thought I would take her something, and decided on a large, juicy water melon. She looked surprised, but thanked me and told me to remain in after school.

STUART BARNES, MONOLOGIST. I shall dilate this evening on the temperance question. There is no doubt the day is coming when liquor must be put down. In fact, the day is here when It is being put down. I know because I have helped put quite a lot of it down myself. But that is neither here nor there. The vital question is, how much of it can you put down and then get home? Give me the man who can take a drink and leave it alone ; then take another and leave that alone.

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

15

My, how brave it is of a man when asked to drink to say firmly and manfully, "No." Then when the gang Insists, to again say "No." And when they all gather around him, telling him what a good fellow he is and trying to induce him to drink, he again says: "No, boys; not an other drop of whiskey for me; give me a little beer this time. I am a married man myself, and proud to say I am quite happy.' All our little debts and other troubles have grown up into nice big ones, and we have a lovely little boy who calls me "papa." I know it is hard on him, but somebody had to be his papa. My wife said she would not have the dear little fellow see me under the influence of liquor for the world, so I sneak in now of nights after he has been put to bed. My wife thinks I am of Scotch de scent. She told me the other night she thought there was some Scotch in me, and I told her she was right, for I put it in at the corner saloon just before I came home. Chang ing the subject, these melodramas are great things in the theatrical line. Some of them are so mellow they are al most overripe. But they are all the same old thing. "Bertie the Buttonhole Biter; or, Who Swiped the Pay Envelope?" There are the hero and the heroine. They meet at 8 :i5, fall in love at 8 :30, are married at 9, and by 10 are housekeeping with a couple of children. At 10 :30 they are divorced, and the play ends happily. These time events are wonderful. Why, I have seen a man sentenced to thirty years in prison at 9:15, and at 10:15 was out again and set up in business. How the women do fall for these melodramas. They will leave their homes every afternoon and go to the matinees and sit there snedding tears into a box of chocolates, weeping over some poor

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

1JJ

little stage kid while their own children are playing around any old place. Then when they get home they give them a spanking for getting dirty playing in the coal bin. I will conclude these few remarks with a few philo sophical observations in verse, which pertain to the alac rity with which our memory is effaced after we have taken our departure. It is entitled, "You're very soon forgotten when you're gone." Here goes : In this world of wild ambition, where you're seeking a po sition, That perhaps is far above what you'll attain ; Where you make a mighty bustle and a show of earnest hustle, In a life that's all made up of joy and pain. You might, in a moment sober, pause and think the whole thing over, Ere you take the entire burden of it on ; Do not view it too abjectly, but if you figure it correctly You're very soon forgotten when you're gone. All your friends will gladly crown you—a good fellow they'll surround you— And they praise you up unto the very skies ; But when the merry party's ended, and you home your way have wended, They will laugh at how you swallowed all their lies. They will grin and ha-ha wheezy, and declare you good and easy, Those fellows who were wont to toast and fawn ;

1000 LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

19

You can notch on the paling as a motto never failing You are very soon forgotten when you're gone. Girls will call you dearest fellow in tones with deception yellow, They will pet you and delight you with their kiss ; They will say you are a dandy as they masticate your candy, They will make your life a perfect round of bliss. But don't trust the fair ones ever, such things do not last forever, When you're broke and come around they'll sit and yawn; Set the clock an hour faster, declare that you're a sticking plaster, And you'll be very soon forgotten when you're gone. So with all life's living creatures, and its fairest pleasing features, So with everything and everyone you meet ; So in times eternal fitness you're the same old buncoed itness, In the house or at the theater, on the street. As you amble through life gaily you are handed lemons daily, 'Till you're busted, with your overcoat in pawn ; Then they'll give the haughty giggle, and away from your side wiggle, For you're very soon forgotten when you're gone

20

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE. JULIUS TANNEN, MONOLOGIST.

A friend of mine had a big, fine-looking blonde sten ographer, who did not meet the approval of his wife by reason of her good looks. Finally his wife got jealous and told him to discharge her and she would act as his stenographer and typewriter, and thus save him the $20 a week he paid her. She computed the amount that he would not have to pay her in salary, and showed him it would buy a nice house. Her husband consented to do as she asked. The blonde left and she took her place. Sure enough, things went better afterwards, and business picked up to such an extent that in a few years her hus band had saved up enough to buy the nice house, and he did buy it—for the blonde. A boarding-house mistress had trouble making both ends meet these hard times, and' yet her boarders al ways kicked and complained about the food. The last kick was about the chickens being tough, but the land lady claimed she had done her best to get them tender, but would resort to a new ruse. The next time she went to buy fowl she found the poultryman had ten chickens, so she asked him to pick out six of the tough est, as she kept a boarding-house. He did as she re quested, and she bought the other four. I asked a carpenter friend of mine how he would go about making one blind. He replied he would stick his fingers in his eyes. A man who had laryngitis was advised to eat ice-cream. He went to the ice-cream saloon and asked the man for some cream, telling him he had laryngitis, but the man

22

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

only laughed and said: "No; the only kinds I have are vanilla and chocolate." An Englishman lived next door to a family who had a pianola. One of the airs it played nearly all the time was "God Save the King." The Englishman next door complained that he had to stand up nearly all night at salute. A schoolteacher asked little Willie if she laid two eggs on the table and then laid two more there, how many would there be? A tough kid on the rear seat yelled : "None. Yer couldn't lay one." A girl's father informed her young man that he might call, but must remember the lights went out at 10 130. He told him to expect him at 1 1 o'clock. A young man was walking down the street when he stepped on a banana peel and went flying right into the arms of a young girl who was coming in the opposite direction. They became fast friends. They had never been introduced—merely thrown into each other's company. *

JACK HAZARD, MONOLOGIST. I took my girl down town for a little lunch, not expecting that she had an appetite like an ostrich and a thirst as long as the neck of a giraffe. I only had a couple of dollars, and the order she gave put me in a trance for the rest of the evening. Several times in the presence of the waiter, when she ordered more, she

34

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

laughingly referred to me as her "meal ticket," and when she had finally finished and the waiter brought me a check for $11.75 I tc,ld him I only had two dollars. He brought the boss up, and he asked my girl if she had not said that I was her meal ticket. She again laughed and said "yes." Then he punched her meal ticket. A colored dramatic society was giving a perform ance of "Othello" to a large and enthusiastic colored audience. Othello strode on the stage and demanded of Desdemona, "Whar am dat hankerchief ?" She, ac cording to the play, hesitated to confess her infidelity, as indicated by the loss of the aforesaid bit of linen, and again he demanded, this time more sternly : "Des demona, whar am dat handkerchief?" Whereupon an old colored man in the rear of the hall arose and yelled : "Say, niggah, blow yoh nose on yoh coat sleeve ani let de play go on."

WALTER JONES—JONES AND DEYO (Sketch). Park Policeman—A policeman died and I am tak ing up a collection to bury him. Will you give a dol lar?" Jones—A dollar to bury a policeman ? Park Policeman—Yes. Jones—Here's ten dollars ; bury ten of them. Park Policeman—How would you like to be a police man? You have to take a civil service examination, and the first question they ask you is how far is it from Baltimore to San Francisco?

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

25

Jones— If that is the length of the beats, to hell with the job.

BEN WELCH, HEBREW COMEDIAN. I was just in dere vot a thought was a saloon, but it's a gambling joint. Dere a lot of pocket pickers, Jessie Jimmies, A. P. A.'s. Dere vos a lot of hoboes sitting aroundt the stove talking about who they vould tup on the nut. In the front room dey got a pig veel, vot goes roundt and roundt, and you pet on the numbers. Sometimes you vin—sometimes. Roulittes. Den in anothder room they got a game vot I neffer seen pefore, shaking dice and some seven talking. Scripps. Den I drank a gin physic and got drunk. I met Jake, mine son, and he says : "Fader, ve vill haf a good time." He is a okum fiend. Smokes okum. Effery night he's got a million dollars. Last night he sez : "Fader, I feel bad. I think I'll go to St. Louis. Den he took a silver pencil, filled vid white water, oudt of his pocket and shoot it in his arm, and in two minutes he was gov ernor of New York. One more shoot and he would be president of the United States. He giv me a shoot once, and I got so foolish I paid de rent. He hadt a pank roll vot vould choke a horse. Sefen dollars, I ped you. He took me to de athletic club. Ven ve got in two young fellers come on de platform and shook hands and den right avay dey got to fighting, and somebody called "Time." I said : "Half-past six," and I got a whallop an der hedt vot made me see stars. Den

26

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

feller offered to pedt me five tollars I didn't know I vos alive, and I vos afraid to ped him.

FRED NIBLO, MONOLOGIST. As you all know, I have just returned from a trip around the world, and I saw a great many strange sights. Before I left on this long journey I visited my girl and asked her to marry me. She was a fine girl and a wise one, but she looked serious for a few min utes, and then said: "Go to father." Now, she knew that I knew that her father was dead, and she knew that I knew of the life he had led, and she knew that I knew what she meant when she said, "Go to father." Well, we were not married, and I sailed alone. Ah, me, but the girls are the sweetest things on earth. They get everything, and man, the poor sucker, has to pay for it. First of all, the candies and flowers ; then the wedding feast, the marriage license, the min ister's fee, the carriages for the wedding. Next the house rent, the furniture, the market money, the clothes for her nobs and the kids, and last of all, but not least, the alimony. He pays it all. Man, poor man ! Have you ever been at sea? Oh, there is nothing so majestic as the ocean. The vast, rolling ocean ! Every body got seasick the first day out and thought they were going to die. The rest of the trip they were sorry that they hadn't. The seas got corrugated and most of the passengers went below to unpack and think it

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

2"J

over. I saw an old gentleman and an old lady on deck, both very sick. He was lying on the deck with his head in her lap. She was trying to forget, but he had nothing left to forget. I said to her: "I am so sorry your husband is so sick," but she looked sad and said : "He is not my husband. I never saw him before. I just caught him where he fell." But there is great pleasure to be had on the fine liners. All day you are on deck looking out for whales and all night you are in the smoking room looking out for sharks. But at lastwe reached London, and it is the greatest city in the world. There is the great Drury Lane Theater, which is open at 5 in the afternoon and is not filled until 8 at night. But our Baltimore theaters have it beat. Some of them haven't been filled in thirty years. Then there is Hyde Park, in London. It takes a whole week to drive through it. Baltimore has Druid Hill Park, and a little boy goes out there in the evening and comes home that night married and with a family. Then there are the great hotels of London. The Cecil, for instance, one of the best in the world. They have a wonderful boot black system there. When you retire at night you put your shoes outside the door of your room, and the next morning they are beautifully polished. You don't have to go out hunting a shine like you do in Baltimore. But just imagine putting your shoes out in the hallway of a hotel here and leaving them there until morning ! Not to me. Within a year the hotel proprietor would be in the wholesale shoe business. I made a great hit in London. I appeared before His Majesty King Ed ward by special royal command. It seems the King

28

1000 LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

heard I was playing at the Palace Theater, so he sent word he was coming down and that I was to appear before him. I was the only artist on the program he mentioned. I tell you that I felt a high degree of par donable pride when the manager came to me and said : "Mr. Niblo, you are to appear before the King tonight by his special command." "Good," says I ; "that will be a great feather in my cap. "Yes," said he, "and the King desires that you appear before him. He will be here about 10 o'clock, so I guess you will go on about 9." Then the London papers spoke so highly of me. The Times, that greatest of all English newspapers, said I was the most finished actor that ever visited England, and that it was so pleased with me. To quote it exactly, it said: "We are happy to say Fred Niblo, the American monologist, is most finished." I was presented at court three times, but they let me go each time. From London I went to Scotland. All the Ameri cans who travel abroad go to Scotland in the summer. In fact, Scotland is full of Americans In the summer, just as the Americans over here are full of Scotch in the winter. From London I went to Paris. Ah, there is a great city! That's where they make all the plas ter paris and paris green. From Paris I drifted over to Berlin, the garden city of the world. It is well named, for it is full of beautiful gardens—beer. I never saw so many booze conservatories in my life. Next we went to Spain. That is a quaint country. All they do over there is eat garlic, go to bullfights and curse the Americans for putting them out of business.

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

29

Next I visited the land of spaghetti, Italy, where they smile in your face and stick a stiletto in your back. I didn't wait for the Black Hand Society to get hep to me and the bank roll I carried, so drifted down to Rome. There is the Eternal City. Talk about thea ters. The world's greatest theater was there. The monster Colliseum, where in the days of Nero a hun dred thousand people gathered and the actors were the gladiators, fighting with the wild animals. Actors don't fight with wild animals these days; they fight with their managers. From Rome I went to Cairo. That's in Egypt, you know, where the Egyptian ciga rettes come from—if you're lucky. The land of the pyramids, where the monologue men get their jokes from ; the land where Pharaoh's daughter found Moses in the bullrushes. At least, that is what she told her father. No, girls ; I don't believe it, either, but far be it from me to say any more on the subject. From there I went to Turkey. You all know Turkey. There is where the Turkish baths come from. I think they all must have come from there long ago, for from the way the Turks looked I don't think there has been a bath in that country in 2,000 years. Next I went to China. There is a barbarous country. Why, do you know that in China when a girl child is born they give it to the beasts. They don't do that in this coun try. They save them over here until they grow up and then give them to the beasts. I went to Japan next. When you walk along the street every Jap you meet steps aside and bows and says, "Ohio." That means "good-morning" in the Japanese language. If they

3©

1000 LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

want to bid you "good-night" I suppose they say Phil adelphia. But, after all, America is the greatest coun try in the world. Take our navy, for instance. Look at it. I don't know where it is, but look at it. We have the finest battleships in the world—both of them. France brags about her disappearing guns; we've got France beat a thousand ways. We have a disappear ing Navy. This talk about war with Japan is all bosh. Japan don't want to fight us. We don't need any army or navy at all to lick Japan. All we would have to do would be to turn Admiral Hearst and the Yellow Squadron on them and they would take to the woods in a day. When I got back my Uncle Hiram met me and we took a little trip over to New York and Boston. We wanted to go the worst possible way, so we took the O. & W. A lady on the train was talking about a lovely pair of corsets she had bought, and said they were so full of curves they must be the R. & G., but 1 told her if they were full of curves they must be the O. & W. Well, after the train had started I asked the conductor if our tickets were good on that road, and he said : "No ; nothing is good on this road." We got into the smoker and Uncle Hiram said he could tell where men came from by the way they looked. He asked one man if he was from Pittsburg, and he said he was. Then he asked another man if he wasn't from Washington. He replied that was his home city. Then he asked another man if he didn't live in Chi cago. The man said "Yes." Then he asked a little fellow if he was not from Wilmington. But he said

32

1000 LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

no; he had been sick three weeks, and only looked that way. They have an interpreter on the O. & W. trains to tell you what the brakeman says when he calls out the name of the next station. We met with a terrible accident, too. The engine struck a cow. No, it didn't hurt the cow, but she got her tail caught in the cow catcher somehow and ran away with the train. We were three hours behind time, but we got in two hours ahead of time. Have you ever noticed those little flags on the rear of a train? Do you know what they are for? They are to keep the cattle from running in the cars from the rear and annoying the passengers. The other day an O. & W. train which had never been on time was announced as approaching a town on time, and just at noon pulled into the depot. A big crowd of citizens were on hand to welcome it, and carried the engineer and conductor to the city hall on their shoul ders. They protested on the way, but the crowd would not listen to them. When they finally got a chance to talk they explained the train was the one due the day before, and was just 24 hours late. Well, uncle and I got talking, and he asked me how I liked London. I told him great. He said : "I guess you'll go to England soon, won't you?" I told him I had just been to England—that London was in England. Then I told him about Paris, and he said: "Are you ever going to visit the continent ?" I explained to him Paris was on the continent. So he kept quiet a little while, and then asked me if I was ever going to Europe. When we reached Boston I took him up to see the Bunker Hill Monument, and when I told him what it

But dey had to push Levinski. Page 33.

34

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

was he asked me who lived there. I told him no one. Then he said he thought all them bunco things was in New York. We' went to the top of it, 257 feet, and I pointed out to him the battlefield where so many brave Americans fell and died, and he looked serious and said: "Hell, no wonder they died—a fall off this would kill anybody."

JULIAN ROSE, HEBREW COMEDIAN. I vant to tell you about Levinski's wedding. It was a great affair and very swell. I got an invitation a veek ago, and thought that, as my hair was coming out, I would grow some new hair, and I got a hair de stroyer and drank three bottles, and my hair cum out fine—all of it. Cohen he got an invitation, too, but he wrote Levinski and told him he had to go see "Ham let." Levinski wrote back and told him to bring Ham let along. He didn't know Hamlet was a theater; he thought he was a man. Well, when the wedding cum off it was a great time. Everybody has a great time at a wedding. A man vot vorks for me got married not long ago, and I had to let him off a half day. Some times it takes longer. Ve vore efening dress. I vent in my pajumpers. The bride was dressed up to kill. She looked like a kosher butcher. She vore a low-neck delicatessen dress and carried a punch of dont-forgetme-nots in her handt. She vore orange plossoms on her het, ven she ought to hadt lemons, for Got knows

/

.

1000 LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

35

she got a lemon in Levinski. He vas a fine-looking pridegroom. His pants vas so tight that ven he sat down he stood up. I vas gladt ven it vas all ofer. Der pride vas led to der altar—but dey had to push Levinski.

CARSON AND WILLARD, IN "FRIZZLED FI NANCE." ) "Iss dis a pank?" "Yes, it is; vot you got to pud in idt?" "Vot shouldt I pud in it?" "Vy, money, of course." "Ven I pudt money in vot do I ged oudt?" "You ged a pook?" "Vy is der pook?" "Vell, if you pudt in' a tousand dollars, de panker writes it down and hands you the pook> "Iss der pook vorth a tousand dollars?" "No ; der pook ain't vort ten cents." "Den vy do I gif de panker a tousand dollars for a pook dot aindt vorth ten cents?" "Vel, den ven der pank busts you look in der pook and see how much you lose." "Vell, den cash me diss check, blease." "Let me see dot check. Aha, as eggspected; id is from a yeast firm." "Gee ! maybe it vos raised." "Yess ; pesides, maybe a placksmith forged it." "Blease cut out dot anvil chorus."

36

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

"Myne friend, ve accept nothing but negotiable paper here." "Dot makes no difference oudt. I vant der money or der reason vy." "Don't you know diss paper is vorthless as der check idt is written on?" "I hope you doant make no rejection just by dot is." "Make no excuses und kindly step aside fur der cash customers." "I can proof to you dot I vos a dispositor of diss pank." "Dot makes nix cum rouse. Dis check has expired." "Could you revive it not mit a draft?" "Ef we cannot raise der vind we haf no palm leaf fans, so dere is noddings to it yet." "I make dot e Theatrical Co. who got on the train; The eggs at a depot restaurant; The fat man who flagged the train for a "large party;" The Hebrew that traveled on an Irishman's mileage; The minister and the man with a jag; Tna "con" man in the depot; Funny experiences on a sleeper; The engineer who stopped the train to catch some fish; The funny experiences in a hotel and other funnv incidents. In all making this one of the funniest books written. PRICE 25CENTA

MAP-- *w«v OTnrv wMonoua rXi_

Price, 25 Cents "OH A SLOW TRAIN" (Ths Original Storr) And many other humorous rMlrord stories. The best jokes and popular sayings told by the bes« Vaudeville and Minstrel Jokers. Fully illus trated. This book also contains the following stories: "The Tramp's Railroad Story." "The Hard Luck Railroad Story,""De Hebrew Lodge," "The After Dinner Speech," "Morbid Mike's Misfortune.' Personal Rerr iniscences of J. J. Corbett," "Billy! Dam's Reception," and many othei, stories in Hebrew (Yiddish), Irisl German, Tramp, Negro (Minstre Dialect Stories. 98 pages of laughs. It thsre Is another laufh In roil It will h«M to come out.

Magic

Playing

Cards

These cards can be read from the back as well as the front. Easy as telling time. No study or practice is necessary.

9S3

No. 293 No. 294 No. 296 Nifty Deck Daisy Deck Deland's Dollar Deck We manufacture five decks. Each of these is entirely different. Special tricks can be performed with each. No. 29G. Deland's Dollar Deck.—This deck contains over 12,000 secret marks. Some seemingly impossible feats in magic can be performed with it. No. 294. Daisy Deck.—The backs of this deck contain a system of marks which can be read at a distance of 15 feet. Wonder ful for stage use. No. 293. Nifty Deck.—This deck is especially suited for long distance reading. The directions tell you how to accomplish some seemingly impossible feats. No. 295. Adams' League Deck.—These cards can be "told" from the back as well as the front. You can perform an entire act in magic with their aid. No. 292. Star Deck.—This is the latest addition to our Magic Decks. It contains a smaller design than any of the others. It is easy to read when the secret is known; otherwise detec tion of the secret marks is almost impossible. With these cards YOU can accomplish feats in Magic equal to any performed by professional Magicians. Price per deck (postpaid) —One Dollar I. & M. OTTENHEIMER, PUBLISHERS, 800 802 E. FAYETTE ST. Cor. FRONT ST. BALTIMORE f MARYLAND

The

Latest

fill'' "1mti

and

PRICE

IO CENTS

Best

Joke Books

on

the

Market.

W°rld* m°" Uman "t"ui"" ■>''•« «»« footlifhu, at banquets fid", "e 1 New Jokes 2 New Coon Jokea 3 New Irish Jokes 4 New Dutch Jokes 6 New Hebrew Jokes 6 New Book of 40o Toasts 7 New Select Riddles 8 New After-Dinner Stories 9 New Vaudeville Stories 10 New Book of Monologue* 11 Combination Jokes 12 Prize Jokes 18 Kid Jokes M The Latest Tramp Joke* 15 Rube Jokes 16 Original Clown Jokes 17 Funny Epitaphs 18 New Book of Proverbs 19 New Black Face Minstrel Jokes 20 Italian Dialect Joke Book 21 New Book of Card Tricks 22 New Book of Coin Tricks 23 latest Stage Jokes 24 New Train Stories 25 New Actors' Jokes >. 2G New Book of Parlor Tricks and Magic 27 Parlor Games and Amusements 28 Auto Joke Book 29 The New Red Hot Joke Book 31 Witches' Dream Book 32 Hash House Jokes 33 Up-to-Date Letter Writar 34 Trolley Jokes 35 Wine, Woman and SonB Joke Book 36 Fortune Telling by Cards 37 Ford Jokes and Stories n Modern Jokes and Monologues 39 Snappy Jokes 40 Burlesque and Variety 41 Breezy Jokes 42 How to Play Checkers 43 How to Play Chess 14 Some Jokes .If, Saucy Jokes it T ive Wire Joke Book (New) 47 Hot Stuff Joke Book (New) 4S Arkansas I Saw (New) 49 Gypsy Dream Book.

EESfifM2H