Nuts-UK-2-May-2014-the-Final-Issue

2 - 8 May 2014 www.nuts.co.uk

Cheers, chaps!

After ten years, 526 editions and a ton of fun, Nuts is saying ta-ra! Before we take a bow, though we’d like to thank Dead Crow Beers, Jägermeister, Domino’s, London Speaker Hire and WKD for our sendoff bash. Most of all though, we want to thank you, our readers. None of this would’ve been possible without you. We hope you enjoy our final edition. Much love, gents. It’s been a blast. Over and out.

➤ Nuts’ final gift to the nation!

➤ Pub Ammo

➤ TV Guide

➤ Letters

➤ Bedroom Babes

➤ Hippos vs crocodiles! ➤ Nuts stars in the brand new Carlsberg advert! ➤ A quick word with… Arnold Schwarzenegger

FEATURES

➤ New BMW Series 7 concept

➤ Ten Rude Questions ➤ Ladies Confess

➤ A quick word with… Sylvester Stallone

➤ The A-Z of Nuts!

➤ New Russell Brand gags!

➤ Covers we wish we’d done!

➤ Mayweather and Khan

➤ The final Nuts shoot, starring our sexiest cover girls!

➤ Adam Lallana

➤ Rude News ➤ “Just walking the eagle!”

➤ Nuts Man vs the stars!

pr at!

➤ Kammy’s Column

We deliver our iconic logo to Tate Modern – the nation’s top modern art gallery!

man Rich (and, erm, his baby daughter – to be honest, she didn’t help much) we arrived and were mobbed by tourists and Nuts fans. But when we offered the Tate’s staff the logo, they turned us down! We think they didn’t have room. So, if anyone would like to give it a good home, it’s yours for the price of a van hire.

WORDS: RORY BuckeRIDGe PhOTOS: ellIS O’BRIen

Nuts: a truly classic work!

Now that Nuts is closing, we wondered what we’d do with our huge red wooden logo. Well, we figured that it was an iconic logo, a piece of art, and the Tate Modern is only over the road – so we wheeled it over. With a team of delivery folk, including Kammy, Lucy Collett, Danni Orsi and Nuts

“When you said you had new jobs delivering letters…”

Half an hour later, they finally released the handbrake

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Modern Great!

The public speaks! Art lovers talk to Nuts! Phil birmingham “That’s a bit harsh. I’m gutted. As a national icon, it should have pride of place.” “Shall we just leave these on the driveway, guv?”

LoGo LauGh!

CoCkers Preston “It’s clearly art. I’ve been in the Tate before and it’s all nonsense. This means something to people, it isn’t just a splat of paint on the floor.” Hollie London “Who do they think they are? I’m outraged by their lack of taste.”

The security lady was not impressed by our “But it’s art” argument!

lauren austraLia “This is clearly an act of discrimination about notions and representations of male genitalia.”

Kammy rested his head against the tiny St Paul’s

Ta-ra Nuts! Goodbye messages from our celebrity chums! “Goodbye Nuts. You shell be missed!” Tim Vine

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Gerald thought twerking would be a good distraction

Turf war! Hippos take on crocs like a muddy West Side Story!

WORDS: RORY BUCKERIDGE pHOTOS: maRC mO/mERCURY pRESS/CaTERS

Generally known as the grumpiest – and most dangerous – visitors to any African watering hole, hippos and crocs usually keep themselves to themselves. A bit like if Russia and China popped in for a Starbucks at the same time. But there was only one winner when these 100 or so hippos piled into a gang of crocs in a river at Zambia’s South Luangwa National Park, possibly crabby with the lizards for chowing down on one of their mates. The crocs showed a unified line of teeth and grump. And the hippos legged it, like the French in a war. Any war. 6

croc s vs h ipp

os!

Hippo and croc facts! ● The name hippopotamus comes from the ancient Greek words hippos, meaning horse, and potamos, meaning river. Hence, hippopotamus equals river horse. ● Hippos feed at night time, with adults consuming about 40kg of grass in one sitting. Given their size, their dietary intake is actually quite little. ● Crocodiles are able to swim at speeds of 25mph – that’s faster than Usain Bolt’s average speed when he broke the world 100m record – using only strokes of their tail for propulsion. ● Ninety-nine per cent of all crocodile offspring don’t survive into adulthood, being consumed by large fish, herons, other crocodiles and various other predators.

Ta-ra Nuts! Goodbye messages from our celebrity chums! “I know it’s got its knockers, but I always found Nuts a didactic and edifying publication. Good day!” Vic ReeVes

Nuts man in Carlsberg’s World Cup ad! Watch as we hang about on set – then get carted off!

“Oi! Down in front!”

IN THE FINAl AdvERT! after four hours of standing about, filming every shot from every conceivable angle, here we are in the final advert, behind the bloke in the V-neck. Blink and you’ll miss us!

WORDS: Rich Pelley PhOtOS: StuaRt aShtOn

With the 2014 FIFA World Cup kicking off on 12 June, Carlsberg have a new pro-England “Carlsberg Fan Squad” ad. In it, Ian Wright and Jeff Stelling transform a pub into the best boozer ever, complete with a wall-size TV screen, a ref who listens when you scream at him through the TV and loads of Carlsberg. And Nuts is in it… ● the carlsberg Fan Squad celebrates what’s great about being a fan. For the chance to be one of 1,000 england fans at the ultimate england experience at Wembley, visit Carlsberg FanSquad.co.uk.

“If Carlsberg did gurning berks in stupid hats...”

“Anyone know if this thing’s on?”

lIGHTS! CAMERA! ACTION! We’ve no idea what this piece of equipment does, but there was a man standing behind it so it’s probably the camera. handy when you’re filming an advert! 8

WITH THE STARS! ian Wright, Jeff Stelling and Paddy McGuinness star in the ad as the ultimate football pundit, commentator and barman respectively. Where’s Paddy? he’s not here today. D’oh!

“You suck.” “No, you suck.” “No, you suck”

dON’T dRINk THE BEER! Don’t be fooled. that’s not actually carlsberg in there. it’s a pint of carlsberg with some added strange chemicals designed to keep a frothy head. um, cheers!

Nut s

Ta-ra Nuts! Goodbye messages from our celebrity chums!

ber k!

“Goodbyes are not forever, goodbyes are not the end. they simply mean, ‘i’ll miss you until we meet again.’ What a load of old b*llocks – it’s over!” kAMMY

THAT’S NOT A REAl PUB! the carlsberg advert’s set in a futuristic pub, specially built in a film studio in east london for the occasion. that’s the real ian Wright and Jeff Stelling though.

“I only popped in to use the toilet”

THIS WAY FOR FACE PAINTING! in spite of being repeatedly told not to because it would “effect continuity”, we still sneak in for a cheeky face-paint. Sorry, Scotland, the St andrew’s cross wasn’t available.

“No, you can’t get on my shoulders”

OI! OvER HERE! trying to get our face in the final advert is trickier than it looks. there are extras everywhere. and apparently gurning idiots don’t help sell beer. time to “pipe down”, we’re told.

Thumbs up who just farted

GETTING ON CAMERA! Signing up to be a tV extra isn’t as glamorous as you may think. We stand in this queue for over an hour until any filming even starts. at least we get a free lunch!

“Just a little lower. Ooh, that’s got it”

“ASkEd” TO lEAvE! after six hours on set, it’s generally decided that we’ve outstayed our welcome, and are asked to leave. thanks, carlsberg! We’ve had a great day! anyone fancy a beer? 9

A quick word with Arnold Schwarzenegger! The actor on his new flm and owning a tank! I play a DEA agent who leads a special ops team stealing millions from a Mexican drug cartel. It’s directed by David Ayer, who brings as much reality to the screen as possible. It’s very different to my Hollywood films – a lot more gritty and dark. What kind of training did you do for Sabotage?

We spent three months with the LA SWAT team so on set we could work together as a believable unit. The DEA handle firearms in a unique way, so we had to nail that and the way these special ops teams storm buildings and back each other up. It’s not just good guys killing bad guys – it’s kind of like ballet, the way they move in unison. Your character John Wharton is a tortured soul. Is it hard to go home and relax after shooting intense scenes?

My character is consumed 24/7 by the fact that he’s lost his family. But hey, I’m Arnold. I just go home, work out, have dinner and prepare for the next day. It’s business. You get busy pumping iron in the film. What’s your training regime like these days? What can you recommend?

Well, it’s not a documentary about my workout routines! The ideal thing is to aim for a total body workout – squats, calf-raises, the 10

abdominal work, the sit-ups, the leg raises and the shoulder, biceps and triceps exercises. It doesn’t matter what age you are, but to get that cardiovascular intensity you need to go from one exercise to the next without stopping. Reps, reps, reps… it’s all about reps!

“I raise money for charity by crushing cars!” Arnie

Phew, sounds knackering! How did your co-stars cope with the rigours of filming?

They were all tough guys. It’s not about acting ballsy or spending a year getting in shape for the role. But Sam Worthington trained like a madman! He and Joe Manganiello were the real deal and did as many of their own stunts as possible. But don’t listen to actors who say they do all of their own stunts because the fact is that no production would ever get completed with all the injuries. It was fun to be part of such a great ensemble and took me back to the Predator days. Do you have a lot of memorabilia from back then?

I have the original Predator model in my office, different Terminators and the alligator from Eraser. Wow! And you’ve got a tank…

I’m probably the only person who has an M47 Patton tank at home. I have a great time with it and use it for charity work. We just raised $1m for after-school programmes by crushing cars!

What else is lined up for you?

I didn’t plan to play Conan again, but I was honoured when Universal approached me to bring back one of the characters that made my career. I even learned to ride a horse for that movie! And you’re going to do a film with Eddie Murphy…

I’ve been chasing a sequel to Twins for over 20 years, so it’s really exciting to be working with Danny DeVito again and teaming up with Eddie for Triplets. Thanks, Arnie! Finally, we’ve heard rumours about new Terminator film, Genesis. Can you confirm you’ll return in righetous robotic form?

I loved playing that machine. Don’t worry… I’ll be back! ● Sabotage is in cinemas everywhere from 7 May.

Ta-ra Nuts! Goodbye messages from our celebrity chums! “a great read and a great team. you’ll rise again, I’m sure. Bigger and better!” Bear Grylls

IntervIew: Dan BrIghtMore Photos: Ben Baker/reDux, eyevIne

Hi Arnie! Tell us about your new flick, Sabotage…

United whisked Moyes off in style. Then off a cliff...

BMW’s 7 series concept!

“I love it! Needs more pedals.”

● Chaps, meet the BMW Vision Future Luxury. As you might have guessed, Beemer’s bosses are saying this flared-nostrilled exhibit is not a production car, but the long-wheelbase, liquid platinum bronze concept is a pointer of the brand’s future design themes. But we can presume that this will be the new 7 Series, or wind up as a seven-sized coupé (which will probably be called the 9 Series). ● “The design of the BMW Vision Future Luxury is the messenger of our philosophy of modern luxury, one in which innovative technologies play a key and vital role,” says Beemer. Righto. But 12

it does bring design and tech to the table that we’re certain will end up on Beemers we’ll be buying in the near future. ● Starting with the fantastically slippery exterior design, the car is a four-door four-seater, but with a coupé-like roof line. The back doors open in the suicide style to reveal a big open space, as there’s no central roof pillar. Or door handles for that matter. ● Although the trademark grille has swollen in size, the slash-cut laser slit headlights sit above air intakes that look like Sly Stallone’s mouth. And there are more futuristic air holes in the front wings behind the wheel arches, which chisel into the doors.

● Walk around to the back end and there are more air vents, which sit below frowning rearlight clusters. These lights are OLEDs – wafer-thin organic semiconductor layers between two electrodes. It’s 400 times thinner than a human hair and doesn’t need reflectors, allowing more creativity with light shapes. ● There’s a scatter gun of techni-cool going on in the cockpit. Materials include carbon, warm wood and even silk linings, plus a touchscreen tablet called the Rear

Seat Touch Command Tablet. This lets rear passengers play online and feel important – good for selling cars in China these days. ● The driver gets a new-gen heads up display, which projects info into your eyeline, like changes in speed limit and potential incoming hazards. The front passenger even gets a heads-up display, but for entertainment purposes. It’s bonkers, this future car thing. But we love it.

WOrDS: jOnny SMITh

All new ostentatious luxury German style!

“Taxi for Corden!”

After the accident, car was embarrassed about the titanium plate

B pillar had gone to Mercedes on a big money transfer

Ta-ra Nuts! Goodbye messages from our celebrity chums! “heartbroken.” Harry Hill

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A quick word with Sly Stallone! Sly talks to us about Statham and spandex!

Hi Sly! The Expendables 3 is due later in the year. Who’s the biggest joker?

Probably Jason Statham. He always plays things straight, but off camera he’s full of smiles and jokes. He’s great. We have a great rapport. So, will there be a future comedy Expendables?

Ha! Well, I think you’re going to see history made in the next Expendables. It’s not all bloody noses – there are some funny bits too.

IntervIew: rIch Pelley Photos: eyevIne, scoPe

We’ve interviewed your old arch-enemy Arnie on page 16. Did you really hate each other back in the ’80s?

We hated each other, but in a good way. You want to look for an adversary who makes you get up in the morning so you leave nothing on the table. If the director says, “Be there for 3am and it’s a 15-hour day,” you go, “OK, but only if it’s going to turn out better than Arnie’s movie!” You starred opposite Robert De Niro in your last film, Grudge Match. Did you play “Who’s the better actor?”

When we were doing our first scene, I said, “Bobby, this is

the first time we’ve acted together and you’re terrible. I’m saying my lines, but I’m not believing anything you’re saying back to me. You’re just winging it. All those Oscars don’t seem to be helping.” And he said, “I thought you sucked too!” So we did wind each other up. But it was great working with Bobby because he’s the antithesis of who I am. He’s modest, quiet, and reserved and I’m not. At your peak, you claimed to have only three per cent body fat. Aren’t you completely bored of the gym by now?

Pretty much! I’ve developed a real love-hate relationship with the gym. If you’re making a movie, you can’t train for five hours a day because your body would just break down. When I got down to three per cent body fat to play Rocky, I’d be sick for two weeks after we finished filming because my immune system was shot up. Rumours are you were a bit of a diva back in the day…

You’re right. I was a diva. I abused power badly. I was an authority on everything. If you had a disease to cure, I’d tell you how to do it. If you wanted the history of movies, I’d tell you. I look back at some of the interviews I did and I wish I could go back and punch myself in the face! Do you get frustrated at your rep as a “thuggish” actor?

Sly’S Still the leader!

sly will reprise his role as leader Barney ross in The Expendables 3.

Sometimes it doesn’t bother me, the next day I’m like, “Where do they live?” One day I think I’ve got it together, the next day I want

He was about to embark on the world’s most obvious nose-pick

to kill everyone! Don’t forget, I started as a serious writer and actor. I wrote every word of Rocky, but people assume I’m this huge muscle-head and I’m Rocky. People forget that there was only six minutes of boxing in the original Rocky – the rest was talking and acting. Thanks, Sly! Would you ever do another Rambo or Rocky film?

I did love playing Rambo. I’d love to do another Rambo, but maybe only if he’s retired and he works in Las Vegas. Ha! Is there anything you’d like to do in a movie that you haven’t?

I’m not sure. There’s not much more I can do in an action movie apart from explode. Ha! How about doing a fitness DVD?

As long as I don’t have to wear spandex! ● The Expendables 3 is out in August.

Ta-ra Nuts! Goodbye messages from our celebrity chums! “I quite liked your Nuts. But my nuts have lasted longer.” James may

On celebrity!

New Russell Brand gags!

“If there’s a cultural vacuum, we’ll always fill it. So what is filling this vacuum today? I could argue that it’s the pantheon of celebrity, where we worship celebrities like gods. Now, I’m aware of some hypocrisy because I’m a celebrity. I’m not moaning about a lifestyle that plucked me from poverty and obscurity and dropped me into a life that’s kind of like a tumble drier filled with tits and money.”

Fresh funnies from the silly-haired Lothario!

On scandal! “I sometimes wonder what I can get accused of next. ‘Hey, did you hear about Russell Brand?’ ‘No, what?’ ‘Apparently he’s going into supermarkets and w*nking into yoghurts. He’s addicted to cock yoghurt! His thinks his balls are a hairy dairy.’”

On knowledge! “Just because I know more stuff than you, doesn’t mean I’m better than you. I’m just different from you, but in a way that’s better.”

On acting! “I’m a very good actor and I refute the charges that I’m not and I’m always the same in whatever film I’m in, basically playing a version of myself with a hat on. Let’s put that idea to bed right now.”

On marriage! [To audience member] “Is this your girlfriend? Wife, actually? Well done. I’ll move on now. Something about marriage makes me edgy.” ● Russell Brand: Messiah Complex is out on DVD now

Ta-ra Nuts!

On dying! “I was reported to have died in a snowboarding accident. I freaked out when I read that. I thought, ‘Wow, the afterlife isn’t as good as I thought it would be. It’s basically the same as before. Just me, Googling my own name.’”

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“No one can steer every question round to boobs like you. Good luck releasing those glamour models back into the wild.” Ross noble

pHotos: Getty ImAGes, ReuteRs

Goodbye messages from our celebrity chums!

Joanna Krupa In Esotiq lingerie Joanna’s posing like expensive gold rings in a jewellery shop window. No price tag. If you have to ask, you can’t afford it.

Our final, brave dispatch from the frontline of lady affairs!

Rihanna On Instagram Last week, Rihanna joined in with “Weed Day”, which really is an actual thing. It’s not the international celebration of Rihanna day.

Alexa Vega

In The Tomorrow People Cards on the table: we’ve not caught episode one of this show. But as it seems to be essentially Hollyoaks in America, we’re changing our habits tout suite.

Jessica Lucas Saucy shoot, London Jessica stars in action flick Pompeii. So look! Here she is in just her (historically inaccurate) bra.

Kelly Brook Posted on Instagram This is national treasure Kelly showing off how wonderfully trim she is right now. That, or Olivier Giroud has been a very naughty boy again.

WORDS: RORy BuCKeRIDGe PHOTOS: WeNN, WWW.XPOSuRePHOTOS.COM, TNI PReSS, CORBIS OuTLINe

Jourdan and Magdalena Wearing Express togs If these two girls have been within a cat’s toss of a gym well, we’ll shut up shop. Never to return! Oh...

Jenna Jonathan

Sexy shoot for The Valleys Good grief! How did Jenna squeeze herself into that corset? Her waist is thinner than Serena Williams’ thigh. But then, so is James Corden’s, Adele’s…

Ta-ra Nuts! Goodbye messages from our celebrity chums! “Nuts is closing? B*llocks!” JAmes blunt

*Jonathan’s story is one of several which features in new animal Planet series PrePosterous Pets, which continues on thursday 17 aPril at 8Pm words: rory buckeridge Photo: animal Planet/barcroft media

‘Just taking the eagle for a walk!’

“What do you mean you laid your eggs in my parachute?”

Meet Jonathan and his pet eagle Samson! Featherbrained Devon bird lover Jonathan Marshall* so loves his birds of prey – he’s got a golden eagle, a peregrine falcon and a harris hawk – that he actually learnt to sky dive so he can swoop around the heavens with his eagle chum, nine-yearold Samson here. He trains his other birds on horseback. And also from his hang glider. We’d train them with a big old catapult, or just a rugby-style drop-kick, but that’s probably why we’re not on the RSPB’s Christmas card list.

Ta-ra Nuts! Goodbye messages from our celebrity chums!

! s g n i p p o bird dr

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“what is Nuts, exactly?” Jeremy Clarkson

IT’S TIME TO GET EVEN EVEN SOFTER. EVEN SMOOTHER. EVEN SKIN TONE.

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He’d put Nuts behind him

Dream team!

Dear Nuts, Thank you ever so much for all the mags you sent us. It was a great morale boost! Tom and The TsW Team 2 Afghanistan

We still have plenty more to send out, chaps, and that’s exactly what we’ll be doing next week while we clear our desks…

“Hang on, who’s manning the front gate?”

He’s hit his century!

Dear Nuts, 100 copies up and all in order! Farewell, guys. Jake PageT via Twitter

It’s very important to keep them well-organised.

Premier Inn staff are forced to bow to Lenny Henry’s every wish

Nuts on my bed!

Dear Nuts, I used two years’ worth of Nuts magazines in my collection to fully decorate my bedroom. adam roskeLL 16 Regt Royal Artillery

After sending us this picture, Adam sent every last one of these issues out to the squaddies working back in Afghanistan. Top chap. 22

It’s that Nuts man again!

“Ah, hello dear, you’re home early…”

Smothered!

Dear Nuts, I’m so proud of my Nuts collection I’ll even wear it. Lee Franks via Twitter

It’s a magazine that has so many practical applications, Lee.

“This should kill an afternoon!”

Dear Nuts, Hello! Nuts man Rich here with every edition of the magazine that has ever been made! rich PeLLey London

Sorry, we’ve never heard of you.

Legendary Readers of Nuts 1: John Chrysanthou

“Anyone got a belt?

Hi John! You’ve entertained us all with your celebrity photos – a few of which we’ve included here. How do you manage it?

Keane didn’t tell me to sod off but he said he’d just be a minute – and never came back. And Jason Statham wasn’t having any of it!

Pure fluke. I work in the West End, and I have a few famous mates, like Emmanuel Eboue.

And is it true that famous people have started to recognise you now?

Who is the most famous person you’ve ever met?

Yeah! Imogen Thomas told me that she’d seen me in the magazine! Mental!

Dear Nuts, This opera-singing chap should cheer you up. I don’t think he saw the sign behind him! sTanLey burberry Kent

Definitely Mike Tyson. I think everyone in the world knows who he is.

As it’s our last issue, do you have a final message for all the Nuts readers?

Has anyone you’ve gone up to told you to sod off?

We’ll never get tired of amusingly porky opera singers.

Yeah, definitely! Robbie

I hope you’ve enjoyed every last one of the stars that I’ve fingered!

Stage fright!

Legends of Nuts 2: Tom Welch

Not funny really as the old chap was having a heart attack

Hi Tom! You are the famous pioneer of stealth bumming. How did it all begin?

Well it first began when I spotted a kindly old lady bent over tying her shoelaces. I pretended to bum her and it grew from there.

“Oi! Get off my farm!”

How many people have you bummed now? Louis Walsh’s new band

She actually asked to pose with him

Are you surprised by just how popular stealth bumming has become today?

Fox by name… Dear Nuts, Here’s me popping out of my Nuts T-shirt to say goodbye! kimberLy Fox via email

To this day, I am shocked stealth bumming is still going strong, let alone dominating the magazine.

You’ve cheered us all up, Kim!

Ta-ra Nuts! Goodbye messages from our celebrity chums!

I reckon in the period of time I’ve been bumming, I would have stealthed well over 100 people – maybe 120.

Do you have a message for the readers of the magazine?

Who’s more Nuts, really?

“Goodbye. Thanks for your support. Even when I was sh*t with even sh*tter hair you still wrote semi-nice things about me and for that I will be eternally grateful.” examPLe

They’re now married with kids

I’m truly gutted Nuts is ending, but thanks for making me a Legend of Nuts. I loved all your stealth bumming efforts. Never stop bumming!

Legends of Nuts 3: Professor Peach Riverdance was a big hit in South America

One of our great pleasures at Nuts was the letters we received from “Professor Peach” of Yorkshire, who suggested things we might want to put in the magazine. Some of them – Jennifer Ellison naked, for

example – we couldn’t make happen, but one thing we can do now is print this picture of a crazed Diego Maradona. Not quite a naked Jennifer Ellison, but he asked for it… We salute you sir! 23

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a-z of nuts

B

borAT! WeÕve had many guest editors over the years. One of the earliest was the fourth most famous person in Kazakhstan Borat Sagdiyev. During his brief tenure, he groped the staff, played the accordion and milked a (male) goat!

“Are you sure I need to be naked to do press-ups?”

A

Abi TiTmuss! Sexy nurse-turned-model Abi TitmussÕ rise to fame summed up the mood of Britain in 2004. One of our most popular cover girls, Abi notched up 12 covers in 12 months.

C

CAlendAr! The blokes of Nuts posed for a racy calendar to mark ten years. Modelling jobs failed to ensue.

“I’m not coming down until you get rid of that mouse!”

“Hi, do you do tattoo repair work?”

“Thanks for the lovely new rifle, Santa!”

D

don’T look! ItÕs often referred to as Òthat horrible pageÓ by celebs, but actual A&E doctors have told us how some of their male patients instantly perk up when they Òget a photo for NutsÓ, in spite of some quite horrific injuries. WeÕre so proud!

E

expediTions! Our travels have taken us far and wide in our time. WeÕve delivered Christmas presents to Iraq and Afghanistan, and walked with the wounded in the Arctic Circle. 27

a-z of nuts

H

holly haGan! Reality TV shows and Nuts have always gone hand-in-hand, with amply breasted models-in-the-making like Saskia Howard-Clarke heading into Big Brother, Nuts girls like Lucy Pinder appearing on CBB, and instant cover-girls like Geordie Shore’s Holly cast in the perfect role of TV star/glamour model.

“F-H-what? Never heard of it!”

“Swap you this for a nice jumper?”

F

Famous Fans! Over the last ten years, some of the world’s biggest stars have been caught enjoying a good read, including Prince Harry, Michael Owen and even Rihanna. Cheers, guys!

G

Girl Got Game! Lucy Collett became a gaming celeb with her online video reports. No, you can’t have her gamertag!

“Not suitable interview attire? Whyever not?”

J

Jimmy Carr! We don’t do favourites at Nuts. However, favourite comedian = Jimmy Carr. When we presented him with his third Nuts Award in 2013, he joked that we should just give him one every year. He’ll always be a winner in our eyes. Cheers for your support, Jimmy!

“Wow, it’s even shinier than my teeth!”

I

innovation! Nuts was the world’s first men’s mag to attempt a 3D issue and the first to produce a fully interactive magazine. We also pioneered the craze of stealth bumming, via the genius of reader Tom Welch. For that alone, we will be immortal.

K

Kammy! On the subject of “top blokes” here’s another Nuts legend who’s been part of the magazine’s fabric since 2006. The readers love him and he loves the readers and always has time to chat to them. We wish we hadn’t seen his bare bum in that advert though. Some things should stay covered up, Kammy!

“’Scuse me, just getting a bit of burger out of my teeth”

“Lads, hold me up – I’ve crocked my ankle!”

L

laDies ConFess! Ever since our fit secretary Lou Prior became Nuts’ official keeper of your confessions, Ladies Confess has become a Nuts institution. Lou fact: she’s incapable of blushing, which is handy, given the naughtiness she reads on a daily basis.

N

nitish! You may recognise Nitish from his regular “Zlatan face” in Nuts. He has more irritating catchphrases than there are days in the year, but he’ll be missed. By some.

M

millions! To say Nuts has been popular is putting it mildly. We’ve sold over 100 million copies since launch and, up until this week, a copy of Nuts was bought every 12 seconds in the UK!

O

orsi, Danni! Nuts’ “fit lesbian” agony aunt since 2012 – super-sexy and knows what she’s talking about! 29

a-z of nuts

P

R

Pub Ammo! The place where facts become immortal and the longest-running franchise in the mag. We asked regular Pub Ammo compiler Pete Cashmore for his favourite nugget of trivia from the last decade: “Hammerhead sharks get a suntan if they spend enough time in shallow water. Take that fact and use it wisely.” Cheers, Pete! This issue’s Pub Ammo is packed full of fun facts about Nuts.

Ring of tRuth! One of Nuts’ most popular pages ever, on account of the fact that it involves popular footballers being made to look really stupid. Some would argue, “not that they need any help” but that’s not for us to say.

Q

Queen of boobS! Lucy Pinder, our fabulous figurehead. What can we possibly say about her that hasn’t been said already? What we will say is that she was only ever going to go topless for the first time in one magazine, namely your good old friend Nuts. If you have a copy of that issue and can bear to part with it, have a look on Ebay. You could make yourself a small fortune!

“Is he standing to attention or is it a crease in his trousers?”

“The helmet’s to protect me from the excess testosterone”

T S

StuntS! From racing hamsters around F1 tracks to welcoming our troops home from Afghanistan, Nuts took “the stunt” to levels other magazines could never top. Number of times we shaved our hair? Five. Number of times we’ve almost been arrested? Too many to count.

Top Gear! Clarkson, Hammond, May and Nuts have gone hand in hand since day one. (Not literally.) We nearly crashed on the Los Angeles freeway with Jezza Clarkson. We made James May drive a pedal car around Bluewater shopping centre. And we’ve run out of ways to call Richard Hammond “small”. We’ll miss you guys!

This brave British soldier was lucky to escape with his life

U WORDS: PETE CASHMORE, NICK SOLDINGER, RICH PELLEY PHOTOS: ELLIS O’BRIEN, JIM LINCOLN, COLIN WILLIAMS ILLuSTRATION: MARK@PARKGRANDE

unbelieVAble PictuReS! We’re proud to have brought you great photography from around the world over the years, scouring the globe for the mad, the bad, and the downright daft images. One of the most jaw-dropping was this shot of a British soldier escaping his blazing tank after it was attacked in Iraq in 2005.

V

VeRY SoRRY! We’ve upset quite a few people over the years (see page 32) so apologies to Lord Sugar (who we called “old”), Ross Kemp (“baldy”), Gary Lineker (“big ears”), James Corden, Gordon Ramsay, Frankie Boyle… We could go on…

W

WebSite! Nuts started as a magazine, but as the digital revolution kicked in, we migrated to lots of different platforms. Back in 2005, the first of these was nuts.co.uk which brought boobs to the interweb, and at the time of this final issue going to press was reaching an audience of 200 million visits to the site and – in terms of page impressions – we’re still the biggest men’s lifestyle website in the country.

X

X-RAted! For the 2011 Sex Issue, we sent Nuts man Pete off to a dominatrix, an experience that had his eyes out on stalks, while Nuts man Dan went to a sex party, which had his eyes out on even longer stalks, and intrepid Nuts man Rich visited the set of a porn film, where what he saw was too rude to print – until now! Seriously, he’s been a bit weird ever since.

“Bloody exhibitionists keep photobombing my holiday snaps!”

Y

You! You, our readers, have always been the most important thing about Nuts. Everything we’ve done has been for your enjoyment. And we’re hugely grateful for every joke, Naff Tat, Don’t Look snap, Camera Phone Comedy pic and letter you’ve sent us – no matter how weird or wonderful. Thanks for buying the mag and for being so bloody brilliant!

The Army on “Special Manoeuvres”

Z

Zoo! Our esteemed rival Zoo launched a week after us. It has been an interesting sparring partner over the last ten years, and we were actually quite fond of coming up against the old bastard. Dear reader, much as it pains us to say, may we suggest go and see what they’re up to, because they could use the sales!

NUTS MAN VS THE STARS! resident celebrity botherer Rich Pelley… ts’ Nu m fro ss tne daf of ade dec A nt! pri ’t It’s the stuff we couldn Steve irWin getS SnaPPy 2004 Prologue: Irwin grants Nuts his first European Interview at Colchester Zoo. Nuts: “Hi Steve! Have you ever eaten one of your crocodiles?” Irwin: [Goes bright red, swears, grabs

dictaphone, removes tape and stamps it into the concrete.] Epilogue: Irwin never talks to the European press ever again.

a decade of being silly!

rich has been interviewing celebs for Nuts since 2004. We’re sure they’ll miss him as much as we will!

gordon ramSay loSeS hiS rag 2005 Prologue: After tirelessly tracking Gordon Ramsay around Spain, the sweary chef finally agrees to a five-minute interview. Cue Rich Pelley’s less-than-sensitive opener. Nuts: “Hello Gordon! Isn’t cooking a bit girly?” Ramsay: [Silence.] Nuts: “Is it rude to ask for tomato ketchup in your restaurants?” Ramsay: “F*ck me. Have you ever

been to the restaurants? If you ask for ketchup, of course you’re going to get told to f*ck off.”

Jeremy clarkSon giveS uS a Pet name 2005 Prologue: Nuts meets Clarkson for the first time. Nuts: “All right Jezzer! [Pause.] Mind if we call you Jezzer?” Clarkson: “You can call me

Nuts: “Could we introduce you to our mum without you swearing?” Ramsay: “F*ck knows. Never met her.” Nuts: “Well, thanks, Gordon. We’re big fans of yours at Nuts.” Ramsay: “You know, I work my f*cking

c*nt crease if you want.”

b*llocks off, so I don’t need little c*nts like you spoiling it.”

Epilogue: Clarkson calls us Mr C*nt every time we meet again.

Epilogue: Ramsay never speaks to us again.

when interviews go wrong Sean lock haS a humour failure 2008 Prologue: We give some comedy a go. Nuts: “Do your glasses have telescopic lenses so you can read all your jokes off an autocue because you’re too drunk to remember them?” Lock: “Listen, I’m the

comedian, not you.” [Goes into massive five-minute rant. Interview is aborted.] Epilogue: Lock never speaks to us again.

lord Sugar can’t handle the truth 2007 Prologue: Suralan agrees to his first men’s mag interview. Nuts: “Are you the perfect ad for the theory that cash can’t buy happiness?” Sugar: “Do you mean just

because I’ve got a lot of money, I’m a miserable old b*stard?” Nuts: “Basically, yes.” Sugar: “You cheeky c*nt.” Epilogue: Lord Sugar refuses to speak to us ever again.

We offend frankie Boyle 2008 Prologue: Nuts is insensitive. Nuts: “You used to be an alcoholic. Isn’t this a bit annoying when you want to go to the pub?” Boyle: “That is the least-

sensitive question I’ve ever been asked.” Epilogue: We see ourselves out.

We get carted off dragonS’ den 2007 Prologue: Nuts crashes the den and pitches ridiculous ideas to the Dragons. Nuts: “How about a neck brace to help train men to stop talking to ladies’ boobs when we’re trying to chat them up?” Peter Jones: “I think

we’ve had enough of you now.” Nuts: “And you will call us, right?” Jones: “Goodbye.” Epilogue: Peter Jones physically removes us from the set.

JaSon Statham ShoW uS the exit 2009 Prologue: Nuts tries to fact-check the big story of the day. Nuts: “Were you really chucked out of the Playboy Mansion for refusing to get naked with some Playboy models?” Statham: “That’s it. I’m throwing you out of the window.” Epilogue: Jason Statham never speaks to us again.

We annoy derren BroWn 2007 Prologue: Nuts tries a trick on Brown. Nuts: “Hi Darren!” Brown: [Annoyed.]

“It’s Derren.” [Nuts attempts rubbish trick on Derren.]

We Break JameS may’S Stuff 2009 Prologue: May has built a life-sized Lego house. Nuts picks up a Lego newspaper, which shatters into pieces. Nuts: “Whoops.” May: “For f*ck’s sake, man.” Epilogue: Nuts apologises.

Nuts: “Ha! We did a Darren Brown on you.” Brown: “It’s Derren!” Nuts: “Are you sure?” Brown: “Absolutely.” Epilogue: Brown doesn’t speak to us for some time.

gary lineker feelS inadequate 2005 Prologue: We meet Lineker. Nuts: “Big ears, big kn*b?” Lineker: “I haven’t got big

ears. They just stick out.”

illustrations: bill mcconkey

Epilogue: Lineker seems reluctant to speak to us again.

dizzee raScal thumPS uS 2009 Prologue: With Bonkers at number one, Nuts had recently printed a story linking Rascal to Chanelle Hayes. Nuts: “Hi Dizzee!” Dizzee: “I remember you. You stitched me up last time over

Chanelle Hayes. You’re lucky I’m number one or I might thump you.” [Thumps Nuts man Rich really hard in the stomach anyway.] Epilogue: Dizzee Rascal jokingly punches us in the stomach every time we interview him. We think he likes us.

Jack Whitehall tellS uS to eff off 2014 Prologue: Nuts finds out what it’s like backstage. Nuts: “Why aren’t girls lined up at your door like you’re a ’70s Radio 1 DJ?” Whitehall: “Rich?

F*ck off, mate.” Epilogue: We do.

JameS corden nearly getS rich fired 2011 Prologue: Nuts interviews Corden about his new book. Nuts: “Hello James! So you’ve just written your autobiography. What’s it called? You Fat B*stard?” Corden: [Deathly long

pause.] “Is this a joke?” Epilogue: Corden has us escorted from the room. 33

The covers we wish we could hav e run!

sepp Upset! Imagine how great this would have been. It’d certainly be the biggest tit we’d ever put on the cover!

What a pair! Picture our Pinder and the wonderfully booby Kelly Brook in the same shoot. It’d break the boobometer!

silly billie! The nation deserved to see Billie’s boobs, but thanks to a corporate accountant somewhere, it’ll never happen!

wORds: NIcK sOldINGeR

We’ve run 526 covers in the last ten years sadly, we’re not going to be around long enough to run these...

football crazy! OK, so the chances of us publishing this in our lifetime would have been pretty slim, but you can always dream!

a right royal knees Up! No offence to the other geezer, but Harry would be way more of a laugh as King. This would be our tribute!

oUt of this World! This may have been a bit beyond our budget. Unless we’d sent poor old Rosie up in a weather balloon!

all groWed Up! God alone knows what another ten years of Nuts would have been like – a lot of fun, we’d imagine! 35

joey!

lucy!

The Final Shoot! Nuts’ sexiest stars bring down the curtain on a decade of booby brilliance!

stacey!

lucy c!

holly!

india!

rosie!

emma!

Lucy Pinder First shoot 2004

I

t’s hard to believe I’ve been doing this for ten years…

I was so nervous before my first shoot, but everyone was lovely. I worked for Nuts in the first week it came out. As I was there at the birth, so I will be there at its glorious end!

I became great friends with Nuts girl Michelle Marsh…

Shout out to Marshy! We should’ve got her back for this shoot. Since then, I’ve met the world’s smartest, funniest, sexiest girls. They’ve all been a pleasure to work with. I loved shooting abroad…

I used to love going to Majorca for Nuts’ summer issues – those beach shoots were nice. I think they were the most memorable and the best fun, too. The fun we have on shoots never ceases to amaze me…

Victoria Beckham hearing all the fun in our studio and coming in to say hello was certainly up there. It was me and Rosie, and Posh just stuck her head in through the door when Rosie had her boobs out! I’ve had fun writing for Nuts…

I used to love writing the Agony Aunt page, and it was very rewarding because we once got a nod from OFSTED commending us. Rightly so! People will look back and smile…

Nuts has always – and very simply – been a fun magazine for men that celebrated real women and sport and the lighter side of life. I hope, and indeed know, that we brought a little bit of sunshine into people’s everyday lives. I’d like to thank the readers for being awesome…

A massive thank you for all your support over the last decade. We’ve had a good ten years and had a lot of fun!

“I hope we brought a little bit of sunshine into people’s lives!”

Stacey Poole First shoot 2012

M

y first Nuts shoot was with Lucy Pinder…

She was introducing the world to a new batch of babes. Everyone was really lovely. There were about eight of us, so that made it fun. The group shoots are like a big party, and there’ll never be an atmosphere like it. It was always a dream of mine to be in Nuts…

I worked in a shop by day, so to be asked to come and do a big photo shoot was always a dream that I never thought would really come true. I can always go back to working in retail, but I’m happy knowing that I’ve lived and loved every minute of working for Nuts. The girls I met on my first shoot will be friends for life…

There were loads of girls there that day, and they’ve all been great to hang out with ever since. Lucy’s awesome but I also remember really hitting it off with Nicole Neale. I was so happy to take part in some really special shoots…

I think the most memorable was the 500th issue, with that lovely styling that made us look a bit like we were in the Robin Thicke video. I’d say that was the best one. I got to meet Keith Lemon…

Shooting with Keith Lemon when he guest-edited the magazine was a surreal day. He comes out with some amazing one-liners, and never drops character for a moment. I’ve got some great memories to look back on…

I’ve just loved meeting the team, and meeting new people. I’ve had over two brilliant years and I couldn’t wish to have met better people. We’re going out with an enormous bang and I thank you all.

“I couldn’t wish to have met better people!”

Rosie Jones First shoot 2009

M

y first-ever Nuts shoot seems so long ago…

One thing I definitely remember is that I was working with the same team of people who I worked with on my last ever Nuts shoot. That was really nice. All the staff were amazing. When I started, I thought I’d only do a couple of shoots… God knows how many I’ve done now! Without Nuts my life would have been very different…

I was 18 and about to go to university to train as a teacher when I discovered Nuts. I don’t think I’d even read it before, but after I found out I was going to be in it, I bought it every week. I met some of my best friends through Nuts…

It was India Reynolds who I met first at some party and ended up getting drunk with. Emma Glover was the first girl I worked with. We went out that night and immediately clicked. These girls have gone on to be my best friends. My most memorable shoots were always at Christmas…

It’s always a big group of us and the costumes and set are so different from what we would normally do. Oh, and the New Year’s shoots are just one massive party. We also did fun things like pizzaeating challenges. They really stand out. I have you lot to thank…

Thank you for buying the mag whenever I was on the cover. That meant I kept getting my contract renewed – meaning I got to be involved in more amazing shoots with my best mates. It feels so weird, like I’m saying goodbye. But I want to readers to know that they can still find us on social media.

“Thanks for buying the mag when I was on the cover!”

Emma Glover

First shoot 2008

B

efore Nuts I worked in an office…

About five or so years ago I had a full-time admin job in an office and I told all the men I worked with that I was going to a meeting. Of course, I was really going to my first-ever Nuts shoot!

My career could have taken a very different turn…

I have a degree in marketing and used that to get a job in the city. To think I had a real 9-to-5 job once. Ha-ha! I’ve met some great friends through Nuts…

I remember meeting Rosie Jones. We met at a casting. I showed up straight from the office wearing a pencil skirt and a shirt. Everyone was looking at me funny but not saying anything, but Rosie came up and talked to me and was so lovely. We’ve been firm friends ever since. Now feels like the right time to make a confession…

India Reynolds may look like the nation’s sweetheart with those big, brown eyes – but I’m telling you she’s not. She’s the worst behaved of all of us! And Rosie isn’t much better, either. She once threw up in a taxi and I had to clean it up with my bare hands so we didn’t get slapped with a fine. I should have got an award for that. The Nuts legacy will live on…

“The Nuts girls will still be around – that’s real!”

People need to remember that there’s no other mag that has shown boobs like Nuts has. I once went round on a rollercoaster in Thorpe Park 11 times in a row with my top off. Who else would do that? It may be the end of the mag but us Nuts girls will still be around. We’re all still great friends – that’s real.

Joey Fisher First shoot 2013

I

was completely naked in a kitchen for my first Nuts shoot…

It was with Holly Peers, Stacey Poole and Emma Frain. I was thrown in at the deep end. It was freezing cold, but that’s something I soon got used to. I was a fan of the magazine before I worked for it…

I’ve always loved Nuts, and always used to buy it. I have tons of them in my wardrobe. I have a stack. I am stacked with Nuts. I have no idea what I’d have been doing if I hadn’t been signed for Nuts – I think I’d probably be doing a boring 9-to-5 job. I think I made the right decision. Shooting for Nuts has opened so many doors…

I’ve ended up starring in films and all sorts. I remember once when I flew straight black from Lithuania and went straight to a Nuts shoot. I’d been shooting a film out there, a horror film. I flew all the way back just to shoot for Nuts – now that’s dedication! I have lots of favourite things about Nuts…

Obviously, the stylists who make us look amazing are great. But I think it’s fair to say that Nuts is a much nicer magazine than it’s given credit for, people need to understand that. Nuts has changed my life for the better…

Obviously, I got to meet loads and loads of people and they’re all lovely. It’s made me more confident, via the method of getting my boobs out. Now in the street, I have my head held high. I have only one message for the readers…

Thanks for being amazing and supporting this brilliant magazine right to the end.

“Thanks for supporting us right to the end!”

“Thank you for everything – I love you all!”

Lucy Collett First shoot 2010

I

started out as a Nuts Next Top Model…

I was very pale at the time and my hair was a lot redder. I never thought I’d come as far as I did, from Next Top Model to, I believe, four covers? I’d always buy the mag, which people thought was weird. But I’d rather look at beautiful real women and read rubbish jokes than I would read crap gossip. And Pub Ammo’s amazing. Without Nuts, life would have been very different…

I’d have been a vet because I love animals. And I’m always at the zoo. In fact, that’s what I’d be – a zoo keeper! I remember the first time I met my favourite Nuts girls…

My first shoot featured Lucy Pinder, and I was so nervous, thinking to myself, “Am I allowed to touch her?” I met Rosie Jones not long afterwards. They’ve both been amazing to work with. My favourite shoot was for one of my first covers…

It was with four other girls. I believe it was called “Lucy’s Busty Babes”. I’m thankful I get to shoot with Lucy Pinder one last time. Nuts shoots are always so much fun…

Holly Peers is the funniest thing ever to happen on a photo shoot. But I also like putting my nipples in people’s ears when they’re not looking. I’ll miss lots about Nuts…

But my favourite thing has been working as part of a big team. Nuts has given me the chance to do so many great things, I’ll genuinely miss all of you. Thank you for all your support…

Nuts is, and will always be, the best, most glamorous magazine. Thank you for everything. I love you all. Keep rocking.

“Lucy and Rosie have both been amazing to work with!”

Holly Peers First shoot 2010

I

remember loads about my first Nuts shoot…

I had just started modelling and it was only my second time coming down to London. The weather was really bad, everyone got snowed in – including the photographer. The shoot did go ahead – thank God – and I can’t believe how different I looked. Rosie Jones is the “elder statesman” of all the Nuts girls…

I met her at some boozy Christmas bash. It was quite intimidating because I was new to modelling and had only done one shoot. Rosie was like a celebrity to me. It’s weird saying that, as I’m off to sleep at her house after this shoot. I’ll really miss the epic end-ofyear shoots…

The Christmas ones were so good it’s hard to think of a shoot I’ve enjoyed more. The sets were great and it was a fun atmosphere because we always had the same group of girls – India, Lucy Pinder, Rosie, me… My first-ever Nuts cover was a proud moment…

It was such a big deal for me – I felt like I’d finally made it. It definitely stands out as a career highlight. It’s honestly weird to look at it and think, “Oh, that’s me,” you know? I’ll always be grateful to the Nuts readers…

I want to thank everyone who has followed and supported my career over the years. You guys opened so many doors for me. We’ll all really miss Nuts…

Nuts is the biggest weekly magazine. No one could touch it. And I honestly don’t think anything else will ever reach that standard again. Nuts can never be replaced. It will always be known as the biggest weekly ever – I think that is its greatest legacy.

“You guys opened so many doors for me. Thank you!”

India Reynolds First shoot 2009

I

didn’t know too much about Nuts before my first shoot…

I’m a girly girl at heart so didn’t read any men’s mags. It wasn’t until my first shoot that I really read Nuts and knew what it was all about. After that I loved it!

Life was so different before my first-ever shoot…

When I started at Nuts I was at uni studying Criminology and Sociology. I imagine I would’ve gone on to do something to do with that. We’ve done some really memorable things…

I recall taking part in a stunt at Millwall’s ground to do a big, booby shoot to mark the World Cup. I’m a bit gutted, as I thought we’d end up doing something similar for this year’s tournament! I loved my first Nuts cover…

I love being with the other girls, however, my all-time favourite was actually a solo cover shoot. I remember my legs were crossed on the cover – it was so hot! I’ve made some truly great friends through my shoots…

interviews: pete cashmore, joseph scrimshire

We’ve all became such a close team. Everyone – the girls, the photographers, the stylists, the staff – is so nice. Sometimes we’ll go into the office and there’ll be loads of pizza and we will crack out the Jägerbomb machine. I’ll miss those days! People will really miss Nuts…

The Nuts legacy of beautiful girls and top banter will be a tough act to follow. My message to the readers? We love you all! All of us will miss doing this because, honestly, it’s the best job in the world. I’ve had the time of my life and can’t believe it’s coming to an end.

“It’s the best job in the world. I’ve had the time of my life!”

The week’s best TV, movies, games, music and tech!

TV built for blokes!

24: live anotHer Day MonDay ¥ Sky 1/HD, 1am Jack Bauer’s ducking global disaster once again!

“Relax! It’s a Super Soaker”

Friday 2 May “Sod it, I’m buying Party Ice next time”

“Think of all the Katy Perry false eyelashes we can get with this!”

“Is that a chaffinch? Looovely”

Ice Road Truckers Pain & Gain

The Trip To Italy

CHannel 5/HD ¥ 8pm

BBC two/HD ¥ 10pm

We do enjoy this reassuringly decent compilation of tales of massive trucks, and the men who pilot them across some of the most treacherously icy wastes in Arctic USA. This week, there’s the added problem of having to clear up the mess after one of the drivers fails to secure his load. Hey, we’ve all been there, lads! ★★★ 52

Sky MovieS preMiere/HD ¥ 9.45pm Or What Michael Bay Did In Between Those Transformers Movies. It’s a caper film, as ’roid-raging gym bunnies Mark Wahlberg and The Rock kidnap a local businessman, aiming to steal his cash. The second half turns dark in a jarring change of pace. Enormously watchable. ★★★★

Yes, it’s terrifically self-indulgent, but this latest European foray from Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon has also been terrific. If there are two people more comfortable with witty improvisation on British telly, we’d like to see them. Except that we know there aren’t. This week, they’re off to the historic ruins of Pompeii. ★★★★

witHnail anD i CHannel 4/HD • 12.30am Richard E Grant stars in this genius Brit comedy from the ’80s about two struggling actors who leave London behind for an illfated holiday.

Saturday 3 May “Sorry, lad, didn’t see you there”

“Five spag bols and garlic pizza breads please”

“I’m not angry. I’m just… disappointed”

Everton vs Man City

Hunted By The Mob

The Americans

Sky SportS 1/HD ¥ 5pm

DiSCovery/HD ¥ 10pm

Strange one, this. Bar a comedy pratfall from Liverpool, City will already be looking to next year’s charge. But who knows? Arsenal might fail… Suarez might explode… Chelsea might get docked points for extreme Mourinhoism… ★★★★

When you’re targeted by the Mafia, it’s fair to say you need to do more than just check under your car before you drive to work. This series tells the tales of the men who testified against their former family members, and the lengths they go to to avoid a whacking. ★★★★

The second series of this Cold War spy drama has been every bit as smartly written as the first, and with a third series recently confirmed, we’ll be enjoying the tale of two KGB officers posing as a US couple for some time yet. Philip and Elizabeth face problems with missions as their fellow spies mess up. ★★★★

itv/HD ¥ 10.30pm

West Ham vs tottenHam Bt sport/HD • Midday The Hammers may have tonked Spurs 3-0 in the reverse fixture this season, but they’re only average at home. Go for a 2-0 Spurs win.

WORdS: MIKE HALL, PETE CASHMORE, RORY BUCKERIdGE, SI CUNNINHGAM PHOTOS: ACTION IMAGES, REx fEATURES

Sunday 4 May linDSay loHan tlC/HD • 9pm

“That’s for nicking my ink eraser!”

“What do you mean there’s a tap?”

Chelsea vs Norwich

Marooned With Ed Stafford

Sky SportS 1/HD ¥ 3.30pm

DiSCovery/HD ¥ 9pm

Well. This is impossible to call. Not knowing how Chelsea did against Liverpool or Atlético Madrid, it could be a game of many flavours. Still in the Prem mix? Or out of contention for all the cups? Either way, Norwich desperately need the points. ★★★★

If ever you find yourself marooned in the South American jungle, Ed’s the man you want to help you out of it. He managed an 860-day trek through the Amazon (in the aptly titled Walking The Amazon) and now he’s back for more. This week: Venezuela. ★★★★

“Are you sure you’re alright to drive, Amy?”

In The Flesh BBC tHree ¥ 10pm

This new series provides a ladypleasing insight into the actress’s life, giving you and your partner a top chance to follow the badly behaved minx’s hijinks.

We live in a world where the UK’s biggest-selling men’s weekly magazine is closing down, and a channel that consistently produces awesome programming is also chucked on the scrap heap. Before BBC Three bites the dust, they’ve commissioned a new series of this entertaining Brit zombie romp. Enjoy. ★★★★ 53

Monday 5 May FloriDa Frenzy

“And this is why I always ask for a fork at YO! Sushi”

“Do we look like the Isle of Man?”

Live Snooker BBC two/HD • 7pm It’s the final session of the final of the World Championship. Lots of lesserknown players are making their way through the early rounds, and in the first, only one man really dished out a decent stuffing to his opponent, and that was a Mr R O’Sullivan. Expect him to be there and thereabouts in the final shake-up. ★★★

“Hold it right there, daddy longlegs”

Crystal Palace vs Liverpool

24: Live Another Day

Sky SportS 1/HD • 7pm

Sky1/HD • 1am

Crystal Palace have had an amazing influence on the Premier League this year. Their defeat of Everton dumped them out of the Champs League places. Beating Chelsea seriously dented their title credentials. So Liverpool? Who knows… ★★★★

Jack’s back! And he’s stolen a Bond film title! But who cares? It’s been four years since Bauer effed and jeffed his way through torture, clock watching and baddies as the ex-CTU special agent. This one’s just 12 hours (boo!) and set in London (yay!). ★★★★★

nat geo wilD/ HD • 10pm We all know great white sharks can be a bit grumpy, but the one featured in this – that attacked three surfers in 24 hours – must have been having a particularly bad day. Diddums.

Tuesday 6 May The new Ghostbusters film was weak DeSpiCaBle me 2

“These curtains make me feel sad”

Almost Human

Hannibal

watCH HD • 9pm

Sky living/HD • 10pm

JJ Abrams’ new sci-fi cop show has already been shown in the US, but it’s yet to be renewed. On the basis of this opener, we hope it is. It’s 35 years in the future, and a cop (Karl Urban) returning to the force after injury is teamed up with an android partner. Loads of awesome special effects. Hugely entertaining. ★★★★

Season two of the surprisingly terrific Hannibal Lecter origins story continues. With FBI profiler Will Graham still incarcerated (by Lecter) at the Baltimore State Hospital for the Criminally Insane, Hannibal steps into his shoes, profiling a serial killer for the FBI. But the big show win is Gillian Anderson, as Lecter’s own shrink. ★★★★

54

“My best feature? I’d have to say my bum-chin”

Later Live With Jools Holland BBC two/HD • 10pm More music from the evergreen ivory tinkler, and there are some tastylooking morsels in this week’s musical buffet. We like a bit of R&B star Aloe Blacc, we love a hefty slice of The Horrors, and we’ll happily munch on slices of The Afghan Whigs too. ★★★★

Sky movieS premiere/HD • 8pm This animated sequel is one for the younger members of your family really, but it’ll still provide its fair share of gentle laughs to keep you happy.

Wednesday 7 May “Put some cake in my mouth and get out”

C&A’s sales had suddenly gone through the roof

“Breakdancing’s Tuesdays, mate”

Man City vs Aston Villa

Grimm

Derek

watCH/HD • 9pm

CHannel 4/HD • 10pm

Sky SportS 1/HD • 7pm

With decent gags and a fair few scares, we’ve always quite enjoyed this police procedural drama with a twist – namely that it’s evil fairytale creatures who need keeping in check, rather than people. The third series continues with Oregon detective Nick pursuing a monster that attacks pregnant women. ★★★★

We’ve always been massive fans of Ricky Gervais and supported everything he’s ever done, even when the high-brow critics turned on him. Derek is no exception. Funny, sweet, meaningful… much like most of Gervais’ original stuff, it’s been a great watch. Tonight, Hannah and Tom celebrate some happy news. ★★★★

It’s a must-win game for City, as indeed they all are if they want to overhaul the unlikely champions-elect Liverpool. Villa should be an easy challenge, having had a desperately frustrating season, but they did overcome City in the reverse fixture. ★★★★

Blokes only! ComBat DealerS queSt/HD • 10pm Military equipment collector Bruce Compton tries to buy a rare German Hetzer tank from a Russian oligarch. Yeah, good luck with that, Bruce.

Thursday 8 May WORDS: MIKE HALL, PETE CASHMORE, RORY BUCKERIDGE, SI CUNNINHGAM PHOTOS: ACTION IMAGES, REx FEATURES

“He said yes!”

“Mmm, snots”

“Whaduuuup, homie!”

Darts Sky SportS 2/HD • 7pm You can be sure of a fine and appreciative sports crowd whenever you head for the Toon, and so we’re off to Newcastle’s Metro Radio Arena for the 14th round of the season, with Dutchmen Michael van Gerwen and Raymond van Barneveld both wellplaced to make the semis, and both performing twice tonight. ★★★★★

Person Of Interest CHannel 5/HD • 10pm This should be on your must-watch list of box sets. This week, Reese and Finch find themselves marooned in a coastal town where a serial killer happens to be at work. Then they head to the bright lights of Atlantic City to protect an elderly gambler. ★★★★

Louie Fox/HD • 11pm Early last year, we bigged up Louis CK as an awesome emerging Yank comic to watch. Fast forward a year and a bit, and he’s on the fourth series of his thoroughly enjoyable sitcom. Those of us in the Nuts office who haven’t seen the first three series should have a bit of time on our hands to catch up. Ahem. ★★★★

prepoSterouS petS animal planet/ HD • 8pm This week’s episode features a Buddhist who decides to cover himself in a “blanket” of 1,000 scorpions. Cosy!

55

w

“I keep fit with lots of walking and going to the gym!”

“I love a proper man like Channing Tatum!”

Ta-ra Nuts! Goodbye messages from our celebrity chums! “Farewell Nuts… I’ll have to re-subscribe to a few choice websites now, shame.” Chris ramsey

Photos: suPermodel

Becky

24 Manchester Day job: Secretary Boobs: 32C Ideal first date: “A nice

candlelit dinner.”

“You can’t go wrong with a little black dress!”

“My eyes and waist are my best features!”

10 RUDE

“

QUESTIONS! And a real girl to answer them!

Surinda 22 Birmingham

1

Where’s the weirdest place you’ve had sex?

“It has to be a bouncy castle! I was at a friend’s barbecue, it was a hot, sticky night and the alcohol had been flowing. When everyone had gone in, let’s just say things got a little bit exciting on the inflatable. We took our shoes off, of course!”

2

What’s your trademark move in the bedroom?

“I’m a massive fan of the reverse cowgirl. The bloke gets a great view and I get to control the rhythm and speed of the action. Sometimes it’s nice to take the lead a bit.”

3

What really turns you on?

“I love a man who takes control. I’m all for sensual sex but everyone’s partial to something a bit more lively now and then.”

Photos: matrixstudios.co.uk

4

What’s your favourite position?

“Without a doubt it’s doggy style. There’s nothing sexier than being down on all fours moaning and groaning with your derriere in the air, with a gorgeous man behind you taking charge!”

5

Is it better to give or receive?

“I’m going to sound selfish, but there’s nothing better

than receiving from someone who knows what they’re doing. Trembling legs are a good indication that a bloke’s moving his tongue in the right direction.”

6

What one thing would you really like to try but haven’t yet?

“Since Fifty Shades Of Grey, any girl would be lying if they said they wouldn’t like to be dominated to a certain degree. Tie me up and have your wicked way with me!”

7

Ever got it on with another girl?

8

What’s your sexy outfit of choice?

9

Have you ever made a rude video?

“I think all girls are secretly attracted to other girls! There’s something about the beauty and sensuality of a woman… A good girl kisses but never tells!”

“The only costume a lady needs in the bedroom is a good pair of suspenders and skyscraper heels. There’s no messing about tugging anything off, plus you can keep your heels on!”

“Surely you’re lying if you say you haven’t made one? Making a rude movie is such a buzz, because you’re not just putting on a show for him but also for the camera!”

10

What’s the rudest thing you’ve ever done? “That has to be having sex in a room with other people that are sleeping! It’s the hardest thing ever to keep the volume down and the risk of getting caught made it more exciting!”

Ta-ra Nuts! Goodbye messages from our celebrity chums! “can’t believe it’s the end of an era! We had some crazy, fun photo shoots in the past! Nuts, you will be missed. xx” Dappy

9th Floor, IPC Inspire, the Blue Fin Building, 110 Southwark St, London SE1 0SU Tel: 020 3148 5000 Fax: 020 3148 8107 Email us at: [email protected] Website: www.nuts.co.uk ediToriaL Editor Dominic “Simples!” Smith Deputy Editor Nick “During The War” Soldinger 020 3148 6941 Editor-At-Large Pete “Pizza Editor” Cashmore 020 3148 6940 Associate Editor – Entertainment Sam “Bo-ring!” Riley 020 3148 6921 Associate Editor – News Rory “An Ting” Buckeridge 020 3148 6917

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Rosie and Lucy’s final Nuts shoot!

The hottest pics on your phone for just £2!

conTriBUTors Rich “Hello!” Pelley, Jonny Smith, Joseph Scrimshire, Andy “Jonesy!” Jones (words); Steve Beech, Simeon Jewkes, Gaz “Lion Of Rome” Lockerby (design); Mark Petty @ Parkgrande, Bill McConkey (illustrations); Ross “Doctor Who” Hassell (marketing); Mark “Wrong ’Un” Cockroft (online); Mia Bleach, Adam Thorn (production); Martyn Beard (repro); Ellis “Nonce” O’Brien (photography)

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Racy revelations from our female readers! my show, as his jeans were bulging at the crotch. Then he quietly walked over, flipped me on my front and took me from behind. I came quietly and we both fell about giggling after! EJ West Midlands

‘Neighbours heard us at it’ Normally, i tend to be an

‘My ten-year saucy secret’ i’ve waNted to share this for ten years… In 2004, during my last year of uni, I’d been sleeping with my female roommate and we wanted a threesome. One night, after snogging a hot guy, I took him back to my place where she was waiting. I saw his jaw drop as he saw her lying naked on the bed. While I got undressed, she took him in her mouth while playing with herself. Then he took me from behind as I pleasured my friend lying in front of me. Just as I came, my friend gasped and we all collapsed in a heap. What a night! Jody Colchester

ILLUSTRATION: TKTK

‘Our hot car bonnet sex’ oN a recent night out with my boyfriend, I had a few too many drinks so he had to help me back to my house. It was a chilly night and the walk sobered me

utterly shy and retiring type when it come to sex. That sure changed a few days ago. The chap next door popped over and asked if he could talk about things. Turns out his missus had been having an extra-marital fling! He had a moan for a while and I listened and gave him a bit of a hug, not expecting anything else. Amazingly, the hug quickly got rather more intense, especially when I felt his massive tool start to harden! Extremely aroused by now, I nuzzled his neck, opened his trousers and gave him my one speciality - a teasing handjob. I can tell you he felt better after unloading himself all over my massive 36DDs! Clara Winchester

up. As I put my key in the door to go in, I kissed my man full on the lips. Soon we were snogging passionately on the doorstep. I then had a crazy idea: I started to strip off my clothes! My fella was stunned. My car was parked on the drive so I sat on the bonnet. I could tell my boyfriend loved

‘I soothed his pains’ i’ve beeN working as a

goodbye from the lovely lou!

“Thanks for all your naughty stories. I’ve loved reading every one of them. Stay saucy!” Lou xxx

he looked at me made my cheeks flush and I kept imagining myself writhing underneath his muscular chest and shoulders. One afternoon, I went into the locker room, as treatment had been called for. As I walked through the door, I saw my eye candy drying himself off after a shower. He took one look at me and said, “I have some aches and pains I think you might be able to soothe,” and then dropped his towel. To my delight, he revealed a semi-on growing larger by the second. I knew I didn’t have long, so I took him in my mouth. His erection tasted great and he clearly loved every second of it. I look forward to treating my sexy rugger now, both off and on the field!

Ta-ra Nuts! Goodbye messages from our celebrity chums! “Goodbye, Nuts. You’ve been like the dirty bird I wish I’d had. Fanks for treating my eyes to so many bangers, and for all your support. I’ll miss you dearly.” Keith Lemon

physio for a men’s rugby team for the last few months and often see the players halfnaked. One guy in particular caught my eye – just the way 61

EXCLUSIVE!

Mayweather: ‘I may fight in the UK!’ The champ on his upcoming fight, Khan and his $10m watch collection!

iNterViewS: NiCK watKiNS pHotoS: rex featureS, getty iMageS, aCtioN iMageS

Hi Floyd! Why did you choose Marcos Maidana over Amir Khan for your next fight?

He earned it by beating Adrien Broner convincingly last December. Fans want an even, entertaining fight and they’ll get that. It was definitely close though, but the fans’ response on social media brought to my attention that they wanted me to fight Maidana, and that was a big deciding factor for me. If Khan had beaten Devon Alexander – a fight he cancelled to face you – would that have helped his chances?

He didn’t fight him, so I can’t say. He has a challenge ahead of him, fighting Luis Collazo on my undercard, and I’m curious to see how that goes. Will you stop Maidana?

I don’t make predictions. I do think it will be an

khan’s cast-off! Mayweather picked Maidana over Khan – even though the British star beat him on points in 2010!

entertaining fight and one of the biggest challenges I’ve faced. Maidana shouldn’t be overlooked. I’ve been in the gym for about three weeks now and am training as hard as I always do. You said in a press conference you’ve got three fights left after this one. What will you do then?

I’m not worried about what comes after boxing. I will still be a part of the sport, just not in the ring. I will get to spend more time with my family and that is something I’m looking forward to most. Will you ever fight in the UK?

I love my British fans and I know it would be a sell-out. Anything’s possible. You’re very flashy. Other than your house and cars, what’s your biggest extravagance?

I love the finer things in life, and jewellery is definitely one of those things, especially my watches. My watch collection is worth around $10million.

How do you become a member of The Money Team (TMT)? Can we join?

Everyone who works for me is there because they work hard. My masseuse, cook, assistants, barber and security all work around the clock. TMT isn’t a fan club – you have to be the best at what you do because I’m the best at what I do. Which victory are you most proud of in your career?

I have 45 victories, so it’s hard to say. I’m proud of the Canelo Alvarez fight because everyone said he was the next big thing in boxing and I dismantled him in 12 rounds. That was a good night for me. Thanks, Floyd! Finally, if you could have fought any boxer from a previous era, who would it have been?

Because there are so many I admire, I don’t like to say. But if I had to pick one boxer who I both respected and loved watching, I’d say Aaron Pryor. I appreciate what a great fighter and technician he was. ● watch Mayweather vs Maidana live on BoxNation (Sky Ch. 437/HD 490 and Virgin 546) on 3 May. Join at www.boxnation.com.

“My watches are worth around $10million!” Floyd Mayweather

“If you think you’d have done a better job than David Moyes, raise your hand now”

Khan: ‘I want to win – and look good!’

On Collazo, Mayweather and Froch vs Groves!

Hi Amir! You haven’t fought in ages – was getting back into training harder than before?

It was actually easier because I’ve been doing mini-training camps since my last fight with Julio Diaz. I wanted to keep ticking over and that’s been the case since last summer. How’s training with your new coach, Virgil Hunter?

I’ve always had a good offence, but I was keen to work on the defensive side of my game more with Virgil so I can become a better all-rounder. Ricky Hatton said Collazo is a horrible fight for you – does that inspire or bother you?

Ricky has boxed Collazo and knows you need to be at your best to beat him. He’s respected too, so to get a victory would mean a lot. I’ll be ready! Are you upset to be facing Luis Collazo and not Mayweather?

Ta-ra Nuts! Goodbye messages from our celebrity chums! “Keep your heads down and focus, gentlemen!” Russell Kane

“Oh crikey, you startled me!”

Who’ll win out of Carl Froch and George Groves?

Groves surprised everyone with his performance the first time. The question is whether Carl will come in with a different strategy, as Groves’ speed seemed to bother him. It’s 50/50! There’s talk of you fighting Manny Pacquiao – does that interest you at all?

I always want to face the best. We used to spar and I wish him the best because he’s a good friend.

I’m looking forward to facing Collazo and that’s my focus. I’m interested in not only winning but looking good, too. I spoke to Mayweather on the phone after he announced the fight. He just explained why he chose him and that we will meet in the future.

Finally, thank you for always taking the time to talk to Nuts magazine. This is the last issue after ten years – have you got a message for our readers?

Is it annoying you beat the man Mayweather choose over you?

● Mayweather vs Maidana and Khan vs Collazo is live on BoxNation (Sky 437/HD 490 and Virgin 546) on Saturday 3 May. Visit www.boxnation.com to subscribe.

That’s in the past – but I do think my style could have given Mayweather a tougher fight.

Thanks for your support over the last 10 years and I really wish all the Nuts team and staff the best of luck!

63

He’s the voice of the fans – and he’s only in Nuts! “And the winner of the Lynx Africa gift set is ticket number 48”

It’s been eight wonderful years and I’m sad to see our favourite magazine go! I can’t believe this is my last Nuts column ever! For someone like myself, to be involved with a magazine like Nuts for something in the region of eight years is fantastic, because I’m an old git! The people who seem to like me most, though, are the young lads who buy the magazine – although in my experience the magazine transcends age boundaries. You wouldn’t think that lads who never saw me play

64 66

would be so keen on reading my articles for Nuts, and being a part of the page, too but the response I’ve had from the public and the feedback I get has been, as I say, unbelievable. It was a sad day last week when we went to do the final shoot – this week’s News opener, in fact – and the lovely Lucy Collett was saying how it didn’t bear thinking about for her that she’d never shoot for Nuts again. One thing is 100 per cent certain – nobody who has ever read Nuts will ever

forget it, and it will be sorely missed from our nation’s paper shops, because of its immediate attraction. It has that funny name, which is left open to all manner of interpretation, and always a beautiful woman to go with it. I heard that Karl Henry, when he was at Wolves, was once asked which players in his dressing room were Nuts readers, and he replied, “it would be easier to ask which ones aren’t!” But that’s what I’d expect – the young footballers

coming through in this day and age are just the type of lads you’d think would love the magazine, and the fact that so many clubs have Nuts devotees in their ranks is a testimony to the magazine. One thing’s for certain – I reckon there will be a few rival magazines and newspapers breathing a sigh of relief this week. Nuts was still the leading men’s magazine out there and it’s very sad for our nation’s lads that it’s going.

photos: Quotes compiled action imaGes by Graham Wray photos: action imaGes, Getty imaGes

Farewell, Nuts readers!

The title fight’s a tight one… So one thing I won’t get to discuss with you is the tight end of the title race. By the time this reaches print, Liverpool will have played Chelsea, and it may well be that Jose Mourinho chose to put out a weakened team. I can fully understand his thinking. He had an important European game where Liverpool had none, and he has another one in the offing that’s even more massive than the first leg. His priorities are clearly now with the Champions League, and playing a fullstrength team against

Liverpool, with his injuries and suspensions, would have been an insane case of putting all your eggs in one basket. I’ll tell you one thing for sure – if Manuel Pellegrini had been in the same position as Chelsea, with the Champions League still on the table, he would have done exactly the same thing. I suspect that by now Liverpool will have edged the Chelsea game (I’ve been wrong before, mind) but the manner of the performance will decide whether Jose was right or wrong.

“Come on, Luis, I only want a cuddle!”

The way to World Cup glory!

“I can’t believe the bloomin’ ice cream van didn’t stop!”

…And the relegation battle’s going to be even tighter! the Scrap for survival at the bottom of the table won’t be resolved for some time yet, and it’s shaping up to be an absolute classic. It’s amazing that it is going to the wire to such an extent. I spoke to Sam Allardyce on Goals On Sunday last week and he said that, realistically, his lads still aren’t out of it. It’ll be hard for those bottom teams to catch up with West Ham and

Hull but then you need to consider what Sunderland have done – drawing against Man City when they should have won, and then getting a most improbable victory at Chelsea. Nobody will feel safe down there – unless you’re Tony Pulis and Crystal Palace! The remaining four games are going to be fascinating, and I suspect nothing will be cut and dried until the final day.

Look on the bright side, lads – there’s a World Cup coming! If Liverpool do win the league, there’s a lot of talk about the benefits of their English contingent. Well, I hope that by the time we get to the preBrazil friendlies, England are playing a system that suits their players. I’m sure that Roy’s clever enough to see what Liverpool, Chelsea, Arsenal and Southampton have done this season – that surely tells him that battling and scrapping in a 4-4-2

is not the way to get the best out of our players. If we play to our domestic strengths, I’m sure we have a real chance. So I think I’d make my starting XI: Hart, Johnson, Cahill, Jagielka, Baines (Cole, hasn’t played enough), Gerrard in the deep role with Henderson and Lampard filling the centre of midfield, and a front three of Sturridge, Lallana and Rooney. Sterling I’d keep as an impact player – and what an impact he could make!

Ta-ra Nuts! Goodbye messages from our celebrity chums! “b*llocks! Nuts has gone!” Stephen Graham

“Right, lads, delta formation now, yeah?”

EXCLUSIVE!

Lallana: ‘I rearranged my wedding for the World Cup!’ The Southampton star on his World Cup plans, celebrity fans and team-matesÕ barnets!

Hi Adam! So, what’s Mauricio Pochettino really like?

He’s a real good guy, perhaps an even better guy than he is manager! He’s got a lot of respect for the players and is just a down-to-earth person. What about his English – is it getting better?

Yeah, it’s coming on quite well. He’s always given us our team talks in English. There was a translator there at the start, just in case he needed help to get a point across, but those days are gone. How gutted are you for Jay Rodriguez being ruled out of the World Cup after rupturing his anterior cruciate ligament?

Terribly, it’s a tough, tough time for him at the minute. We all want to finish the season on a high for him as he’s suffered a lot of 66

disappointment in the last couple of weeks. Is it nice for you to know Southampton is nearly everybody’s second team?

It’s great. We’ve got a lot of home grown players and create a lot of chances on the pitch in front of goal and as well as creating chances for young people to play football. That is what Southampton’s about – long may it continue! Are you aware that Nuts’ own Lucy Pinder is a Saints fan?

Ha-ha! We’ve all been told that before. She’s got great taste, I think I’m her favourite player too. Have you brought some Speedos yet for Brazil?

Not yet, but I did bring the date of my wedding forward just in case it clashed with the Italy game! Amazing! Who are the style icons at Southampton?

Big centre-half Jos Hooiveld seems to think he’s pretty flash, but that’s a feeling enjoyed more by himself than the other lads. You’ve got some good haircuts down at St Mary’s too. Do you have a favourite?

Me, Jay and Luke Shaw all spend quite a bit of time on ours but Jay definitely would

“Doctor, it’s about this strange yellow growth on my foot…”

win the contest, if there is one. We do plenty of running on the pitch, the sweat keeps his nicely in shape. Who would you like to see win the league now?

Liverpool. For Gerrard to win a medal would really top off the great career he’s had already. But aren’t you an Everton fan?

That’s true, actually. My dad followed them when I was younger so I followed suit. Who are the big Nuts readers at the club?

Every now and then the younger lads will bring a copy of the magazine on the coach and we all can’t resist having a good nose through it. What’s on your car stereo at the moment?

Drake’s album is getting

played a lot now. A few of us went down to London to see him the other week. But apart from that, I tend to just tune into the radio. Thanks for the chat, Adam! Finally, you’ve been valued at £25million. Does a price tag like that bother you?

It’s quite a nice compliment that people think I’m worth that much, but with all things like this I don’t like to read too much into it. My main thing is concentrating on my football at Southampton. ● Adam Lallana was speaking at the launch of EA SPORTS 2014 FIFA World Cup Brazil, out now on Xbox 360 and PS3. Pick up your copy from ea.vg/ NutsLallana WC14

InTERvIEW: jOE BARnES PhOTOS: ACTIOn ImAgES

It’s been a pretty bonkers season for Southampton, with diddy manager Mauricio Pochettino winning over all his doubters by building an attractive attacking team full of young English talent. Arguably, none more exciting than England international Adam Lallana. We caught up with him as he promoted the launch of EA SPORTS 2014 FIFA World Cup Brazil, to shoot the breeze…

“Welcome to Wookey Hole. I’m Adam, I’ll be your tour guide today”

Adam Lallana: the facts!

“I think I’m Lucy Pinder’s favourite player!” Adam Lallana Ta-ra Nuts! Goodbye messages from our celebrity chums! “Thanks for all the support over the years. I’m sorry to see you go, w**king will never be the same again!” Dizzee Rascal

● In the 2009/10 season Adam became the first Southampton midfielder to score 20 goals in a season from midfield since Matthew Le Tissier managed to rack up 30 goals in 1994/95. ● Earlier this month, he was shortlisted for PFA Player Of The Year. he’s up against Luis Suarez, Steven gerrard, Daniel Sturridge, Eden hazard and Yaya Toure. ● He got married on Christmas Eve six months earlier than planned because of his aforementioned fears that his wedding would clash with the World Cup. As one of his friends told the newspapers: “He never expected to be in contention.” ● In 2004, aged 18, he had to undergo an operation to correct an irregular heartbeat.

creative director Simon Freeborough is an accomplished skier. Over the last four years, Nuts has received over 400 free pizzas from Domino’s, for which we would like to thank them.

Prior to becoming Nuts editor, Dominic Smith was editor of FHM Australia.

Editor-at-large Pete Cashmore was the 35th series champion of Countdown.

Senior Designer James Jarman very briefly modelled for the clothing company Superdry.

Senior art berk Nitish Mandalia once caused £10,000 worth of damage when he crashed a mobility scooter through a plate glass window next to the Nuts office. In the room was a company senior exec in a meeting with guests.

Nuts’ military advisor Colin Berry spent a year in a Kabul jail being beaten and tortured after he killed two nationals while working for mI6.

Deputy editor Nick Soldinger has practised the mixed martial arts system Urban Krav maga for seven years.

Features editor Simon Cunningham’s nickname is Bastard! as his Yorkshire accent reminds us of Game Of Thrones. He was once in A Touch Of Frost as a disabled lad.

At the point that it ceases publication, Nuts is still the best-selling men’s magazine by volume in the UK, and the top lifestyle publication on tablets and smartphones. In total, over ten years and three months, our magazine has shifted well over 100 million units. Not bad, that!

WORDS: pete caShmORe

This final edition of Nuts magazine is the 526th.

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