Not Now, Darling

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DRAMATISTS PLAY SERVICE INC.

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RAY COONEY~D JOHN CHAPIIZAN

A COMEDY BY

NOT NO~~T D INS

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NOT NOW, DARLING CopyrightO Renewed 1999, Ray Cooney and John Chapman CopyrightO 1970, 1971, Ray Cooney and John Chapman

FRENCFlAM ................................

Bassie Jean Cameron

TIPDALE ...................................... J03I1

FREfICHAM .................................

Claude HoRon

McMtc~esL ................................ Roni Dengel

.....................................

M'el Dowd

Immediately following 3

Acr Two

Noon on a day in late September

Acr ONe

The action of the play takes place in the fowth floor salon of Bodley, Bodley and Crouch, an exclusive London firm of fumers.

SYNOPSIS OF SCENES

MR. Lnwsox ..................................... Curt Dawson

MAUDH BODLHY

Sus Lnwsox ..................................... Ardyth Kaiser

MR.

JANIB

HnaxY McMicHnaL ............................ Ed Zimmermann

GiLsaRr BonLsv .................................... Rex Garner

MRS.

MISS

ARNOLD Cxoucx .............................. Norman Wisdom

Miss WHrrriNcrox ............................. Marilyn Hengst

NOT NOW, DARLING was first presented in New York C}ty by James Nederlander and George M. Steinbrenner III, by arrangement with Michael Codron, at the Brooks Atkinson 'Theatre on October Z9, 1970. It was directed by George Abbott; the designer was Lloyd BwIingame; furs were by Monsieur Leon; and the hair stylist was Piem Hambur. The production supervisor was Ben Janney; and the associate producer were Sheldon B. Curen and Edward Ginsberg. The cast, in order of appearance, was as follows:

Gardiner

MAUDfi

JANIH

4

Melly AI~Cl1 BODLSY ....................... ...... .... ...

McMictiasL ................................ Lynda Baron Sus LnwsoN ........................................ Lisa Peake

......... Idtl HARRY MCMICFTAEL ......................

Merrick M►ss W~~iTTiNcrorr ............................ Pamela Cole Mcss T~rneLa ................................... Stephanie

........................ Rdy COOA2y ARNOLD CROUCH ...........

Rex Garner G7LsexT Bonier ....................................

Theatre, Richmond This play was originally presented at the Richmond cast: following the with 1967, on September ]8th,

Directed by Patrick Cargill Designed by Hutchinson Scott

David Hargreaves Me. Lna~sonr .................................

.... " " ' ... MdCy KCRYOtI MAUDS BODLEY ......................

... Shirley Stelfox Sus Iawsox .................................

JAN[&

HARRY

Wilde McMicxnaL ................................ Brian Jill Melford McMtc~aaEL .................................

TOTR GII~

...................... DOfIZ~d S1IIdCII BODL&Y ...........

......... .... ....... COMMANDER ~RENCHAM ......... ..

GILBERT

................................. Ann Sidney Mcss WHi'rnrrcrox ...... Bernard Cribbins AexoLn Ceoucx ........................ McSharry ..................... Carmel Miss TIPDALH ........... .......... Pearl Hackney Mxs. FxENex~M ......................

by Michael Codron at the NOT NOW, DARLING was presented with the following cast: 1968, 12th Jvne on Strand Theatre, London

S

?be action of t1~e piny takes place in the elegant and private at}~ floor salon of Boclley, Godley and Croach, an exclusive 'West-end firm of furriers with an esteemed reputation. ?ire hierarchy of the company consists of the three Airectors, Maude Bodiey, her husband Gilbert 8odley and ~trnold Crouch. ?he decor is opulent and finmboyant and furnished with impeccable taste. The back wall is taken up entirely with ~rencb windows ihrougb tohich is n balcony and beyond, the ~tayfair sky]ine. 7i~e back section of the set is on a orie foot rostrum wrtb stairs Leading clown t. and x. ?here are double doors u. t. which Lead fo ibe main hall and staircase. A door D. z. conceals an ornate cocktail dispensary. On the inside of the cinor are glasses, bottles and hvo ten towels. ?here is another door n. n. Leading to n srriall storeroom. ~rencb iUindows closed. Doors n. u. and n. z. closed n. Door of clouhle double doors u. L. open. 71~e only pieces of )urnit~ire are a splendid round settee D. R. C., a table wiNi fcuo tetepl~ories beloto double doors and a pair of chairs R. and L. of the table. ?he time is r~oori on a sunny day in late September. As the curtain rises, Arttotd Croeich is discovered with tivo fur-draped tnodeis. Orie of fhe models is a dummy with legs and the other is ~irss 'lt~hitiington. ?he dummy is wearing a X2,000 ocelot. 9Ytiss 'Whittington is tuearing a £s,oQo Cnnadiaii wild rriink. t3otll coafs are aery modern nrid beat~tiftilly designed. Arnold is putting the ~nisbing touches to t1~e mink brusbirig it and stepping back to ndrnire his bnridirvork. 7Ie is wearing a long white work coat, grid his grey .4lpnca jacket is on a chair. After a mordent the secretary, ~4iss Tipc~ale, enters. She is an efficient, attractive bict retiring woman ire her early thirties

AGT ONE

NOT NO~V, DARLIl~TG

MISS 7'IPDALE. Mr. Crouch! Mr. Crouch? ARNOLD. Ah, good morning, Miss Tipdate. MISS TIPDALE. Could you spare a moment?I've got Mrs. Frencham at reception. ARNOLD. Mrs. Who? MISS TIPDALE. Mrs. Frencham. (?ndi~at~ng.) For the Ocelot that we've remodelled for her. ARNOLD. ('loving fo c}?eck t~itl~ the diary on table, picks it up.) No, no, no, Miss Tipdale. 11ie Ocelot is to be collected at 2.30. MISS TIPDALE. She is most apologetic, but she's in a hurry. ARNOLD. I'm sure she is but it hasn't had its final brush yet. And Mr. and Mrs. McMichael are due any minute for the Canadian wild mink. MISS TIPDALE. Twelve fifteen. (Referri~ig to r~tink.) This is one of your most perfect creations, Mr. Crouch. ARNOLD. Thank you. MISS TIPDALE. Bat the mink is a sale. Mr. Bodley will attend to that. (During tie ensuing dinlogs~e Arnold takes off iris mbite jacket, ha►t~s it to :Miss Tipdnle nrid puts on Isis ~Iipncn jacket.) ARNOLD. I sincerely hope so. 1f and when he arrives. What with he being anpunctaal and Mrs. Bodley being on holiday I don't know where I am. MISS TIPDALE. But what shall I say to Mrs. Frencham? ARNOLD. You'd better send her in I suppose but this is really Mr. Bodley's pigeon. You know how nervous I get with clients. MISS 7'IPDALE. I think you cope splendidly. ARNOLD. Well— But it is not finished yet and I'll have to explain to her. MISS TIPDALE. Yes, Mr. Crouch. (She exits u. t. leaning door open.) ARNOLD. (?o birTueJj.) First the ocelot— (7-Ie picks the du~runy up betineen the legs nr~~i starts to tnone it.) No, (?ie puts it doom.) I think perhaps the mink. (7-Ie starts to ~rck up 74fiss 'Whittington in the same iUay.) MISS WHITTIIVGTOIV. (~'eiis.) Ahh! ARNOLD. (Covered in confusion.) I'm most terribly sorry, Miss 6

and is wearing a u~eIl tailored dress tuitb a zip up ibe back. She Leaves the door o~eri.

Whittington. I thought you were the er— I'!1 send for you again when Mr. and Mrs. McMichael arrive. MISS WHITTWGTOIV. Thank yoa, Mr. Crouch. (Arnold removes tfie mink from her shoulders and sbe exits u. t. as 9Ytrs. ~rencbnfrt enters, She rs a woman in her ante forties and spealzs with a frigi~tful 7Censington drawl. All her "offs" are "orfs.") MRS. FRENCHAM. Am I being very difficult? ARNOLD. Oh, Mrs. Frencham—! Well as a matter of fact... . MRS. FRENCHAM. I do apologise but my husband and I are in town today shopping, so I thought I'd collect my coat now. ARNOLD. But, it hasn't had its final brush yet, madam. MRS. FREIVCHAM. Oh, thaYs all right. ARNOLD. BatImust give it another brush! MRS. FRENCHAM. Oh very well, I'II come back at lunchtime. I must dash—my husband's driving round the block Looking for a parking meter. ARNOLD. Oh, it is a problem, isn't it? MRS. FRENCHAM. Yes, next time we'll come on our' bicycles! (91~trs. ~rencham exits as ~4iss Tipdale enters with a catalogue and a note book from u. z. door.) MISS 'TIPDAI,E. Mr. Crouch, are you available for a fitting? ARNOLD. I~1o, I'm not! This has to be ready at one o'clock. Make a note of that, Miss Tipdale. MISS TIPDALE. Yes, sir. ARNOLD. I must get this put away. (Picking up the dummy.} Has the ] 2. Z 5 appointment arrived yet? MISS TIPDALE. IVot yet, no. It's only just gone twelve. ARNOLD. (Opens door D. R. f0 storeroom.) Doesn't anybody ever tidy up in here? MISS TIPDALE. I'll arrange to have that done later, Mr. Crotch. In the meantime could you check the proofs for the autumn catalogue and see to the fitting downstairs? ARNOLD. (~Tet-up.) No I couldn't, can't you sec I've got my hands full? (~~e exits n. a. clutching the dummy by the bosom. Miss 7ipdale closes t1~e door after bum.) GILBERT. (Off, heartily.) "Morning, all." "Morneng, girls." "Morning, Miss Tipdale." Miss Tipdale?! Tippers! Tippers, where are you? MISS TIPDALE. Here I am, Mr. Bodley. (`_Frn~it u. z. C~iibert Boc~ley eriter:c. 71e is n fl~imboyant exironert iii his late forties wiib 7

5

{. F

5

ode is carrya nnfur~il j~en~bnnt for (lotvery In►iguage mrd intrigue. wearing a is 7-te umbrellA. irig two bottles of charrzpagne and an bowler hat.) GILBERT. Good morning, Tippers. How are you? MISS TIPDALE. (Doubtfully.) WeII— 7ipdale GILBERT. Splendid. So am I. What's the time? (7~tiss umbis pointedly slmlus 1~irri 11er tuntcb.) Thank you. (7-Ie hangs have What head.) ber breiln on her nrtn nrtd puts bis }~oii~ler bat on you got there? I~11SS TIPDALE. The autumn catalogue proofs. GILBERT. Pacsed. What's next on the agenda? I~11SS TIPDALE. The McMichaels at 12.15. CILBERT. Show them in the moment they arrive. Meanwhile I'll umbrella get the champagne nn ice. (Miss Tipdnle exits tt. z. with L. tl~ifl) D. goes and (~ouder }.~c~t, clociirq floor 1~et~iricl leer. C~ilhert si~mptiio~is n c3isctnsin~ cl~~tmpnr~iie an~i ope~i.c cocktail cupbo~n~d door m~~( ~reIl-st~,cke~! i~ar. ?o mulience.) Nn office should be without 1~s onc. (~Ic rpc}~< cc.) That's her dress! (7-te looks.) done it again! since you ARNOLD. If only ~•ou knc~: what I've been through left. GILBERT. I can imagine. ARNOLD. I've done my best, Bodley. one GILBERT. Best! You've surpassed yourself. I leave you with with stuffed place the &nd and beck come scantily clad female, t 'em. ARNOLD. Don't e~~g~erate. 62

Sl~tlts t~c~oe U. L.)

ARNOLU. (~~r~~lf~>>+~~n~~.) Yrs, ~lca>r. t BARRY. I think you're both mad. we? GILBERT. Oh, ~~e are, eve are. (7o J1rnold.) Aren't 1t's minkfur. with ~~orking It's arc. ARNOLI). Yrs, we arc, w•c omartia—it sofcrns the tissues. softened anless I get HARRY. There'll be more than tissues get satisfaction. ~Ias Mrs. Lawson been here? She—sh~we—we GILBERT. We—we—I—I—she ARNOLD. ho? —I—I—w —she—who? E TARRY. 1 just ~;ant yes or no. GILBERT. (:Tn ,irrtol~l.) ~~'hich d'you fancy? HARRY. 7 iris sbe been be~re positive GILBERT. Wcl1, of coarse slic ~.•as here. But I'm almost Elie left ti~ith yoit. ago. We only HARRY. I kuoH~ she did, but that was half an hour to change went up the street to that pub and she suddenly decided and came pab the coat. (7{e gees up to the 1~~~Icony.) She left the and yarJs, hundred a only back here. (P~~iri[s nut the u~ili~iou~.) It's sorrieby arrested is attention she's been gone— (71e slurs and bis quukiy to tbirrq brlou~.) Exa~se me, I N•on't be long. (lie w~~lks t}~e cinor.) GILBERT. (7Tope~ully.) Seen her? flagpole. f TARRY. No, I'm just ~;nin~ dn~~•n to inspect your ARNOLD. ~~hy? (£xits and HARRY. I d7ink you're flyit~, I~9rs. Lawson's colours.

tiUt1lCf~llfli; ~

~~oCkct: n~tcl tintilc's.) Anyoi~c }~m~Qs it ~i,itl, h~th 1~;; ha~t~l, iit I,;> fur hnt chucuhtr? you h~~o Iike to 1.nu~v }!l1RR1'. (T'~rhrn~c (~n,~ilY ,l~~nr.) \~'oald GILBERT. What are you doing, starting a collection? Didn't yon get my phone message about Maude? ARNOLD. Of course Idid. GILBERT. Then why didn't you get Janie out of the waY~ ARNOLD. I was trying to. I'd at~eady got Mrs. Lawson's dress off— GILBERT. So I've noticed. How did you manage it? ARNOLD. I threatened to expose her. GILBERT. Yoa seem to have done a very good job, it's just as welt yot►'ve managed to keep Harry's wife and his mistress apart or the balloon would have gone up. ARNOLD. Well, as a matter of fact I Iiaven'r, but it didn't. GILBERT. Explain yourself. ARNOLD. The inevitable occurred. GILBERT. D~}~OLI mean— (Points io bot1J e1o~r_c.) —they came face to face? ARNOLD. Yes. GILBERT. (Afr~n_cd.) And you averted disaster? ARNOLD. (Piea.,e>d ivitb bi~t~self.) ~~'1e11—er—yes, I think I did. GILBERT. But how? ARNOLD. (7Votici~alarilty.) Well, I—er—passed Mrs. Lawson off as my—er—acquaintance. GILBERT'. Acquaintance? ARNOLD. Well—as we fellows say, my— (7Te LUbispers in Cilbert's ear. Gilbert rencts.) GILBERT. Well done, Crouch.. (Shakes Ar-~~o1~f's ba,~~i.) ARIVOLD. Well,I did say I'd hold the fort. GILBERT. I must say, you've come on a treat. You begin the day as an old stick-in-the-mud and before lunch even you've bagged yourself a brace of mistresses and half a lady's wardrobe. ARNOLD. (Rsibbing his J~ancis with glee.) I know. I love it. (Si►ddenIy renTe~nberi~ig.) There is something I forgot to mention. GILBERT. Surprise me. ARI~IOLD. Mr. Lawson turned up. GILBERT. Lawson? ARNOLD. The husband of Mrs. GILBERT. IVo! What did you do? ARNOLD. ~~'ell, it k~as a hit of a problem. So I sent him to the Poor Cow. GILBERT. The Poor Cow? 63

phone.) ARNOLD. The milk bar round the corner. {7-Ie picks tip bar milk a isn't stops.)There GILBERZ'. Congntalarions— (7ben round the corner. Send up ARNOLD. I know. That's the problem. (Osi phone.) everybody Miss Tipdale. (7-Ie tits phone down.) Now look, before removed. gets back these two young ladies must be re-clothed and GILBERI'. Bat how, Crouch, how? ARNOLD. I suggest for a start we forget the proprieties. GILBERT. Certainly— What proprieties? don't ARNOLD. Little things like underclothes and dresses. Why two hail beavers, we give them two of our longest and warmest taxis and then bid them farewell? enters GILBERT. (?o audience.) So simple, too. (~l-tiss 7ipdale it open.) leaves from door u. z. nrtd MISS 1"IPDALE. Mr. Bodley, I've been sent up. GILBERT. 1t happens to us all. two ARNOLD. Miss Tipdale, go and see Mrs. Rowe. I want beavers immediately. GILBERT. 77ie longest. on ARNOLD. And the dieapest. Hurry up and don't dilly-dally the way. MISS 7'IPDALE.1~1r. Crouch. ARNOLD. Yes? MISS TIPDALE. May I say something? ARNOLD. (Looking at ioafc}~.) Yes, but not very much. MISS 1'IPDALE. ('Ivith admiration.) The way you've behaved today has been magnificent to behold. ARNOLD. Oh, thank you, Miss 1'ipdale. MISS TIPDALE. In fact, yodve touched me here. (She puts her hand to her bosom and then exits door u. L. and closes tt.) GILBERT. You hnve made progress, haven't you? ARNOLD. She was being metaphoric. GILBERT. Yes. And who were you being? ARNOLD. She simply realizes the lengths I've gone to, to save your miserable skin. GILBERT. (?o audience.) Cocky with it now. ARNOLD. I'm going to get the beavers. You stand guard in case Lawson comes back. GILBER'!". Comes back? ARNOLD. Yes, from the Poor Cow. 64

GILBGRT. Oh, Lord. (Lookir~~ nl i~DOt' D. R.~ t1RNOLD. And if Mr. McMichael returns with Mrs. Lawson's dress, plead ignorance. GILBERT. ('Worl-ied.) Ignorance. Right. ARNOLD. And if Mrs. Bodley gets back before I do— GILBERT. Yes? ARNOLD. God help you. (Ne exits u. t., leaving door open, as Janie enters (rorn cocktail cabinet. S)~e stays in dooravay, with one hand on the door.) JANIE. Has Harry gone? GILBERI". Yes, and you're leaving immediately. jANIE. In these? (Sbe indicates the ten towels.) GILBERT. Don't worry, we're going to get you a beaver down to your ankles. JAf~IIE. As well as my mink? GILBERT. Yes, yes, yes. JANIE. And my car? GILBERT. Yes, yes, yes. Now stay there until I say it's all dear. (S~ce appears in doorway n. rt., keeping hand on door.) SUE. Mr. Bodley! If I stay in here much longer, all my assets .will be frozen. GILBERT. Don't worry, we're giving you a beautiful beaver in place of that rotten old dyed rabbit. SUE. When? GILBERT. When I say it's all clear. IVow stay there until you come under starter's orders. JANIE. (CnIling across to Sue good-naturedly.) See you at the starting gate, sweetie. (Both the doors are closed.) GILBERT. (7o audience.) If I play my r~ -ds right, Imay get the autumn double up. (qtr. ~renchartt enters from u. L., Leaving door open. lie Jooks a bit upset.) MR. FRENCHAM. Oh. I'm looking for Crouch. GILBERT. I'm afraid he's unavailable at the moment, sir. Who shall I say called? MR. FRENCHAM. Who are you? GILBERT. Gilbert Bodley, sir. I don't think we've .. . MR. FRENCHAM. (Coming doom c. sfeps.) No, no, we haven't. I've had one hell of a time. Pushed from pillar to post. GILBERT. I'm sorry to hear that, sir. MR. FRENCHAM. So, tell her I'm here, will you? 65

G]LBEP.T. tC'hn? ~1R. FRENCf ii1I~1. ^i~~ ~~ifc, uE cot~r~c. GILBERT. Yoar wife? MR. FRENCHMi. 1'cs. Yvtc got guy mcssabc, didn't y~~u? Well, I've come hack for her. .. . GILBERT. (Suddenly renlisir~g tbnt f})15 711t45t be ~'fr. LaiUson.) Oh ...you've come back for your wife. MR. FRENCHAM. Yes. You wouldn't believe the trouble I've had trying to . . . GILBERT. Ah, I suppose you've been wondering why you couldn't find the "Poor Cow." MR. FRENCHAM. I beg your pardon? GILBERT. I can explain the entire situation for you, sir. MR. FRENCHAM. Good. GILBERT. There isn't one. MR. FRENCHAM. (Beifn~se~.) Oh— Look— Did you give my wife that blasted coat? GILBERT. (Quickly.} No? 1~Io! Not me!I am responsible for many things. Bat you can't lay your wife at my door. MR. FRENCHAM. (Desperately tryifig to follow.} Eh? GILBERT. I met your wife for the first time today and the only thought that passed tl~rovgh my mind was that a sweet little thing she was. MR. FRENCHAM. (~r~o~utiir~q.) My wife? GILBERT. She's a little poppet. MR. FRENCHAM. (Cettifig itiipr~tient.) Look, 1've jast spent a very trying half hour with the police— GILBERT. The police?! MR. FRENCHAM. Yes. GILBERT_ But it's not as serious as all that, surely, sir? MR. FRENCHAM. They seemed to think ie was. Going to be a coart case, you know. GILBERT. No— No— I'll tell you everything. Evcrythin~! MR. FRENCHAM. Dammit, all I want to know is where my wife's gat to. GILBERT. Atl right, but the fact that she's been running around here in bra and pants is nothing to do with me. MR. FRENCHAM. Bra and pants? GILBERT. Yes, you sec it was Crouch's idea to aet her dress off, not mine. 66

MR. FRENCHAM. (.Qstonisbed.) Crouch took her dress off? GILBERT. Yes, but he only wanted to borrow it. MR. FRENCHAM. Crouch wanted to borrow my wife's dress?! GILBERT. Yes. MR. FRENCHAM. Look, Bodley—I think your better start at the beginning. GILBERT. Well, sir, if you're going to involve the police, I feel it my daty to make it quite clear that Bodley, Bodley, and Crouch are completely innocent, You see, it all started with the coat. MR. FRENCHAM. I know it started with the coat. But how did it finish with bra and pants? GILBERT. (Surprised.) Oh—you know about the coat? MR. FRENCHAM. Yes. GILBERT. And Harry? MR. FRENCHAM. Harry? GILBERT. You don't know about Harry? MR. FRENCHAM. Into. GtLBERT. Harry, sir, has taken advantage of your wife. MR. FRENCHAM. Ye gods± GILBERT. This must come as a bit of a shock. MR. FRENCHAM. It certainly does. I thought the old girl was past it. GILBERT. Past it? (Looks nt the storeroom door.) She's ripe for it. MR. FREI~FCHAM. My wife—ripe? GILBERT. Don't you think she is? MR. FRENCHAM. It depends what you mean by ripe. GILBERT. Like a peach. She must be fightinb them off all the time. Pestered by every Tom, Dick— MR. FRENCHAM. And Han-y, yes. Do you mind if I sit down? Bit of a facer ti•hen the boot's on the other foot. Oh, I blame myself. You know what it's like hhen you're in the Navy. GILBERT. Pretty food, I should imagine. MR. FRENCHAM. Oh, I've never gone mad. Just the occasional fling. Too busy enjoying myself, I suppose, to appreciate the little woman back home. GILBERT. It's a comntnn failin„ sir. ~1R I'RENCt3A~1. If i~nly nnc could rceaPtarc those halcyon h~~noym~on dzys. GILE~RT. (Points io sloreroor}i door-.) Be our guest, sir. 67

door ` ARNi:LD. Mr. Bodley, stand by for action. Your wife's on her way up in the elevator. GILBERT. God! I wonder ho~v much she knows. ARNOLD. You'll soon see. GILBERT. As long as she never found those frig?y things on the bed. ARNOLD. The speed she's travelling, she found something. GILBERT. Heil. ARNOLD. Don't worry. It's our Iast remaining problem. GILBERT. And the biggest. (Sue opens the storeroom door ~rmiy best ~otitely, i1fr. ~rer~chnttl, Looking very bewildered, comes out. Sue returns to the storeroo~~t, sbuftir~g the door. ~'tr. ~rencbam crosses in silence to the door u. L., going up e. steps. die turns by tl~e door.) iviR. FRENCHAM. That's rile most ridiculous conversation I've ever lead. (.7~e exits u. t., leaving moor open. Boclley arTd Arnold excb~nge n ~uz~le~~i glmue.) MAllDE. (OJ(.) Good afternoon, Mr. Freneliam. Can't stay. ARNOLD. (Sotto voce.) It's GILBERT. (Sotto voce.) This is it. Mrs. Bodley. (7~taude enters frrnn e~. ~.., leaz=inq door ~pc}r.) MAUDE. Gilbert! GILBERT. (C?~nrged ti~ith etnotio~i.) 1~9at~de! Bcforc you say anything, remember we've been married for twenty years. MAUDE. And in all that time you'vr never done anything more sweet or loving. GII.BERT. I can es~lain it all— (~Ie remises tv)~af Maude has said and goes nlsnost cross-eyed zt~ifl~ corifi~sion.) Maude, don't play me like a damned fish. Reel me in and hit me on the head. NlAUDE. ~~hat do yott mean, darling? GILBERT. ~~lhatcver you've got to say, say it. 68

MR. FRENCHAM. I beg your pardon? GILBERT. You want to recapture your lost youth, don't you? AhR. FRENCHAM. Oh, if only I could. GILBERT. (Opens door.) Go in there, sir. Grab her and dan't take no for an answer. (Mr. ~renchnm pu11s bitltself up to bis feet! height and crosses to open door n. rt.) MR. FRENCHAM. Hubba, hubha, hubba! (73e exits storeroom nrid Gilbert sluts door. Arnold hurries rn from t•. L. and shuts

MAL(DE. 1've just said it. GILBERT. Did yov? I must leave missed it. ARNOLD. So did I. Would you mind going out and coming in again? GILBERT. Whatever you have to do, Maude, can be done in front of our dear friend here. (~~e indicates Arnotd.) MAUDE. Oh, very we11, if you say so. (She kisses Fiim warmly. Arnold stands there, riot krtowittg tvbat to do. Gilbert comes out of the etnbrnce looking astonished. 7-Ie Looks blankly at Arnold.) GILBERT'. What happened? (By sUny of exQianation Arnold gives Gilbert a c~u~rk loss ors ibe cheek. ?o Ar~iotd.) The shock must have turned her brain. MAUDE. I must admit it was a bit of a surprise. GILSERT. Bat you sound genuinely pleased. MALlDE. Of course, I am, darting. And what is so flattering is— rhey're the right size. ((jiibert a~ici Arfiold for a second are compietely be»t~~sed.) GILBERT. (7r-ying to keep ~acc.) Are they? HALIDE. Yes. But the way you'd laid them all out on the bed for me, it was li1:e coming back to a love-nest. (?he frutb begins fo dawn ore C~itber-t, ivi~o bensns ivilb delight. Ariioid is still atiempting to work it nJ1 out.) GILBERT. (70 9bfnude.) Just a silly Little home-coming present. ARNOLD. (7bi~~ki»g out loud.) But you didn't know she was coming home. (Gilbert ruidr~es 11r~~~Id in f1~e stomach with his elbow. 11rno1d is winded.) GILBEF2T. {'With false gniety.) What Arnold means is that I didn't know exactly when you were corning home, Maude. That's what you meant, Arnold, wasn't it? Arnold! ARNOLD. (Stilt st~gl~tly ~~~i»ric~t.) I chink it was, yes. GILBERT. (?o ~fat~t~c.) I don't understand how I missed you at the flat. Where were you? MAUDE. Oh, 1 was there all tlic time. GILBERT. I didn't sec you anywhere. MAUDE. I was havinb a bath. To freshen tip. To tell you the truth I wondered what had happened t~ yot~. GILBERT. Why was that? MAUDE. Wcfl, I heard you rush in through the front door, go into the bedroom, scream and rtt~h out 1a11R. GILBERT. Oh, yes. I remember. 69

MAUDE. Why did yoc~ do that? GILBERT. Ibeg your pardon? that? (C>iibert nudges Arnold ARNOLD. She said why did you do away.) again, who sees it coming and jumps se you weren't there. I exbecau e, Maud ed, scream GILBER"I'. I things on the bed and you'd both pected to find you and the frilly gone. HALIDE. So it was a cry of anguish. GILBERT. Indeed it was. dear little overnight bag. (She HALIDE. Silly boy. And as for my moves to door u. z. fo get case.) Arrioid, sotto voce.) OverGILBERT. ('With n horrified Look fo night bag?—Janie's ... !! I'm mad about it. Oh, you HALIDE. (Coming back with case.) to open it, but it seems to really are so generous, darling. I tried be locked. me. GILBER'I'. (70 1lrxold, sotto voce.) Lucky MAUDE. I beg your pardon? GILBERZ'. No key. up case.) If I know my MAUDE. Oh, what a pity. ('Weighing for me. Gilbert he's got some other treats in store do you? once, at GILBERT. Yoa don't want them all es in her handbag. search (She fit. MAUDE. One of my keys may Arttoid who in turn throws Gilbert turns and throws the case fo staggered for a moment, theft if over tl~e balcony. Arnold looks orle nrTd waits for it to ring. goes to the desk, stands by the tetepb of keys and looks round for ~ieantvhile ~4aude has found a bunch and hetpfiiily joins in the her the bold-ail. Gilbert comes down to rings. .Arnold picks it up autofruitless search. The telephone lobo is on f1~e other end matically and without waiting fo bear• hands the receiver out to Gilbert.) ARNOLD. It's for you. ~1~osie.) Bodley here— Oh, GILBERT. Oh, thank you. (Into fbe .There's no damage, is .. »d.) hello, Phillips— Really? (Offba What do you mean—danger there? Just the tog of your head.... come. .. . (?n ~lrf~oid.) You money? No, no, there's nn more to you? haven't got anything else, Arnold, have 't anything, have you, hiven You nut. ran I've No, LD. ARNO Mrs.—? run out! No, that's the GILBERT. (Continuing.) No, Arnolcl's 70

Std. (Speaking as she comes.) Harry's on his way vp and he's got my dress off the flagpole. {~anie enters u. z. arici rushes atang d. rostrum and doom steps x. Sloe hands tiuo tea towels to Arf~ol ) r coats. g beave wearin Both girls are way JAMIE. (Speaking as she comes.) Look out. Harry's on his for? hiding you are up and— (S1~e stops arul Iooks at S~ie.) What SllE. Me? 71

inef.)

lot.... (Shouting.) I said, that's the lot.... Yes, it's aII clear.... (Shouting.) I said, it's ALL CLEAR! (?a~~ie—in iea towels—from door D. L. and Sue—in bra and pants—from door n. R. talze this as their cue to cotne out. Sue closes her door, Janie leaves hers open. ?hey run to u. s. C. where t?~ey meef Miss ?ipdale who has entered from door u. z. and come to c. on rostrum, carrying fwo full-length beaver coats. Janie and Sue each take one, and rush out of door u. L. ltrnold, C,3itbert and 9btaude stand there transfixed for a moment.) HALIDE. (~inalJy.) What's going on? GILBERT. We've been robbed!! ARNOLD. (falsely urgent.) Go and aet the coats, Miss Tipdale. MISS TIPDALE. At once, Mr. Crouch. (Miss ?ipdnle exits door u, t., leaving it open.) HALIDE. Wait a minute. One of those was your girl friend, Arnold. ARNOLD. I do believe it was, yes. HALIDE. (Bemused.) She came out of the cocktail cabinet. ARNOLD. So she did. MAUDE. How long had she been in there? GILBERT. (Looks at watch.) Oh, ages. We ordered those drinks hours ago. MAUDE. (Not believing it.) I see. And who's the other girl? ARNOLD. That's the afternoon shift. MAUDE. Arnold! (She exifs door u. z., leaving it oQeri.) s.) ARNOLD. (Goes to the internal phone and dials two f+gure (Into — action for by stand to him tell and an I'll get the doorm ~ho~ae.) Ah, is that you? Good. this is me again. There are two fast beavers coming down the stairs, let them out.... That's right. And Mrs. Bodley's coming down by elevator—shut her in.... Yes, that's it. Beavers out, Bodley in. (Replaces receiver. Sue returns hurriedly t?~rougl~ door L., beading into cocktail cab-

Bodley? `deshabille," GILBERT. Most reasonable. Mrs. Lawson in a state of you say? I'm sure one of us would have noticed. seen her trotting ARNOLD. I'll ask Miss Tipdale. She may have through the shop_ somewhere. HARRY. What, with no dress on? She's up here perhaps. GILBERT_ On the balcony flings open stot'eHARRY. Yes, or in this room here ~erliaps. (7~e 72

JANIE. Aren't you Arnold's girl friend? SUE. What, still? ARNOLD. Absolutely. from my husbanel? JANIE. Thcn why are you running away GILBERT. Shc's got a point thcrc. very easily. SUE. I don't know really, I Det confused your husband when from ARI~IOLD. Why should she run away ran away from? to own her she's got a perfectly good one of husband? why—my SUE. Yes, exactly, ARNOLD. Certainly. SUE. Charlie? He's not here, is he? CILBERT. You bet he is— GILBERT. Elderly, tall, plump. ARNOLD. Young, short, slim. t.) amazeftier~ in other (7hey look at ench about? on going two you SUE. What are HARRY. (Off.) Bodley—Crouch? storeroom.) GILBERT. (7o aanie.) Later. (Pushes her into her into cocktail (Pushing there. ARNOLD. (7o Sue.) Get in towels. cnbinet.) Oh! Mrs. McMichael hasn't got her tea on chair and toeuels ten drops (Arnold Bodley! HARRY. (O/f.) z. with Sue's u. from hurries over fo join Ciibert as 7larry enters Mrs. Lawwas What opett.) dress. 7 ~e is f urio~u. 7-Ie leaves door son's dress doing on the flagpole? ARNOLD. Waving? HARRY. I demand an explanation. GILBERT. {7a Arriotd.) How shall we play it? ARNOLD. I think calmly, with just a hint of—er— GILBERT. Hysteria? ARNOLD. Yes, that's it. with no dress HARRY. My secretary is walking about your place on and I want to know why. ed, do you, Mr. ARNOLD. I don't think his curiosity is unwarrant

room door. Cil~ert anti Arnold /rceze. ?anie, who bas obuiousiy hnd 1~er ear to the keyboie, farts out and gets to R. C. 7-tarry closes the door without seeing her, turns to her, saying, "plow tben~. Sf~e turns rrnd he is diirnbfottnc3ed to sec it is 1anie.) Now, then_ (~t~ter n moment.) This is my wife! GILBERT. (Politely.) Pleased ARNOLD. ~~ow do you do? to meet you. (The three of thorn snake bnncis.) HARRY. (Almost beside l~irnsel~: iv 1~anie.) What the hell were you doing in there? JANIE. Choosing a coat. Do you like it ? HARRY. Oh, don't give me that. Come on, we're going home. And after that, I'm coming back here. GILBERT. It's early closing today. HARRY. You may be closing earlier than you think. And when I do come back you're going to have to give me a thundering good explanation. GILBERT. Our man Crouch deals with all flit complaints. HARRY. (70 Janie.) Right. Came on. JAMIE. Really, Harry. You are being tiresome. HARRY. 1've hardly started yet. i haven't made up my mind whether to sue them or do them. 1Vow then, take that coat off. JAMIE. What on earth for? (Jlrtiold and Gilbert are horrified.) HARRY. Becaase I don't want anything from this shop. ARIVOLD. No, we insist. It's the bargain of the month. HARRY. I don't care. Take it oft. GiLBERT. Bert she's paid for it. HARRY. Take--it--off! JAMIE. Harry, preaous, it's impossible. HARRY. What do yogi mean it's impossible? When I say take it o(f, I mean take it off. I'm still your husband, aren't I? I don't know what you've been up to with these two characters here, bit, by George, when 1 get you home ... (~arcie, screer:ing herself Jro~a tl~e audience and ~Cilbert and Arnold, opens the coat for a brief secorici to sf.~oiv 7-inrry her state of ctndress. lie stops dead in his tracks a~ lbonglJ ~o1e-nxed.) ARNOLD. (Cas«nlly.) I think it may rain. GILBERT. I didn't hear the forecast. ARNOLD. It ti~asn't ~•ery ~ooei for Hartford, Hereford, and Hampshire. 73

HARRY. (7o himself iri clrsbelief.) My wife is stark naked. It's incredible. ARI~IOLD. (Aside io Gilbert.) Mr. Bodley, he must have seen her like that before'. HARRY. (Still ci~~>cd.) Would you mind if I helped myself to a drink? GILBERT. Certainly. (7tarry goes to cocktail ca'ninet D. L. as Arnold rnnclly rnilties to Tilber~t that Site is stri! in there. C,~rlbert looks unrufjleci.) fiARRY. I'm going to dri~ik a whole bottle of Scotch in one gulp. JANIE. 1~1ow, I-~any, you know you can't control your temper when you drink. HARRY. I don't want to control my temper. I want to go berserk! GILBERT. Now, naughty—naughty. ARNOLD. Remember, least said soonest mended. HARRY. I'm going to bast this place wide open. I'm going to stuff Croach into a sheared raccoon and kick Bodley right up the ocelot. (7-Te flings open fbe cocktail cabinet moor and Sue hanAs him a bottle of «~l.~iskey. ~-Ie tikes it ivrfhout realising and half shifts the door.) Oh, thank you. (7'heri realises that Sue is there and oper+s door nc~nit~: to Site.) What the hel[ are you doing in there?! GILBERT. (Cetlitrr~ his oti~n back.) Ah, so you two know each other? HARRY. Know her?! (7inrry ss about to explode but then realises that he can't say nriyfi~rng rn front of Janie. Janie is looking slightly confused.) IVo! (?o S~ie.) How do you do? My name's Harry McMichael. SUE. How do you do, Mr. McMichael? I'm very pleased to meet you. I'm Size Lati~son. HARRY. (1lavkie~nrdly.) Oh, really? SllE. Well, I thought you'd like to know. HARRY. ']'hank yocr. Yes. {?o ?ariie, airily.) Darling, have you met Mrs. Lawson? JAMIE. Yes. HARRY. OI,. JAIME. She'c Mr. Crotch's girl friend. I TARRY. (`~i~rinuc.) Mr. Who's what? ARNOLD. It was very sudden. HARRY. [should think it was! GILBERT. I'm si~rc you must feel very happy about it, though. 74 HARRY. Not in here! My wife's got no clothes on. (Gilbert and Arnold about-turn and l~enri for the cocktail cabinet. 7i~ey stop at c.) Not with my secretary, either. (7tnrry goes into storerooffz and shuts door.) MAUDE. (O~f.) Out of my way, Miss Tipdale. MISS TIPDALE. (OJj.} I can assure yoa— MAUDE. (OfJ.) Out of my way! I'm going to kill both of them'! ARNOLD. Bodley, it's curtains for us— GILBERT. What a good idea. (CJilbert c~nd ~lrnolc! rusi~ fo tJ~e curtaisu and bide behind them, Gilbert x—Arfiolci t.} MAUDE. (Cottzirrg ihrnitgl~ moor.) They'll regret the day they 75

D. R.~

JANIE. Wf►y should Harry be happy? GILBERT. Well, if she's Mr. Crouch's bir] friend, she c1n't be anybody else's anything else, can she? ARNOLD. Ah. He's got a point there, h1rs. McMichael. GILBERT'. So huw do you feel now about the situation? HARRY. (7nnoceritly.) What situation? ARNOLD. Your wife having no clothes on. HARRY. Ah, yes. (Then realises aru! sbrttgs.) Oh, well— That could happen to anybody, really. CILBERT. Your husband is so understanding, Mrs. McMichael. (~1iss ?ipdale enters from door u. L., Ieavrng door open.) MISS TIPDALE. Look, I don't know who knows what, but I think you a1I ought to know that Mrs. Bodley is on her way up. G1L$ERT. I thought we told the doorman to hold her in the etevator. MISS TIPDALE. He did and she's fired him. (.Miss Tip~inle exits door u. z., leaving door open.) ARI~IOLD. Back to your posts, everybody. Come on, quickIy... . (?he girls autontaticaily rus~i to their doors, Sue D. L, and Janie R. 7-carry starts to go ivrtb Sue.) Mr. McMichael. Yovr wife went that way. HARRY. Oh, yes, of course. (7-Ie goes to door x., follotued by C~itbert anti Arnold, af~cl then slobs.) Look— Pardon me a minute, but who the hell am [hiding from? GILBERT. My wife! HARRY. I've never even met your wife. GILBERT. Ler's keep it that way— I don't want to meet her either. All haste, Crouch! (rilbert af~d Arnnld try fo corne in tl~e door

ARNOLD. There you are, Mr. Bodley. Aren't you going to give Janie the coat? GILBERT. Am I, hell. (Calls out.) Janie! (7-te opens the door n. R.) You can come out now. (?anie enters from storeroom D. R., leaving door open and stays by door.) JAMIE. Everything atl right? 76

it.)

meet again. million HARRY. It was only the night before last but it seems a years ago. MAllDE. And we never even knew each other's names. C,>rlbert's HARRY. We knew enoagh, passion flower. (Arnold's and Medthe over moon —The edge.) outer again, heads come round disappear.) heads ArnoId's and (C~ilbert's iterranean. MAllDE. And the sand between ovr toes, smooth as silk. HARRY. Yoa won't get away from me this time. through MAUDE. (Tlods slowly.) Mmm. (7hey go off together does and chuckles 7-te emerges. door u. z., Leaving it open. Arr~oJd a tittle jump doom the steps.) of ARNOLD. (To audience.) This is a game for any number a like crying is C„iiJbert c:irtain. Cilbert's opens (Arnold players. baby.) GILBERT, (7-Iowling.) My wife doesn't love me any more. ARNOLD. Of course she does. GILBERT. Then what the hell's she doing with 'orrible Harry? ARNOLD. What you were hoping to do with 'orrible Harry's wife. GILBERT. Bvt~Maude's doing it for nothing! Give me back my four-and-a-half thousand. (Arnold gives it to Gilbert, who pockets

(Marry ever lied to me. (ititrn~c~e enters u. t.) Gilbert! Arnold! 7~er fiend. stops (Sbe Darling! 7-►arry.) sees 7~taude rt. enters from n. toue. yenrrung expression changes from nn~cr ~o of~c of deep ~md Marry corfies to 7-tarry is equally moved. ?here is a ionq silence ns them. 7beit takes she and her. 7Ie raises his hands fowarcls her After a embrace. passionate a into faces come together arld they _qo corthe round come heads C~itbert's and .Arnotd's couple of seconds and nt astonishme blank in stare ?bey edge]. jinner ner ofthe curtains 91'taude then 'their -bends go back behind the curtains. }-Iarry and never break the embrace and gaze at each other.) I thought we'd

GILBERT. Ahsole~tely first class. (Picks ~tp Sue's rJress frofri settee.) Hcre's I~1rs. Lawson's dress. Try that on for size and ti~e'll tootle off together. (?-te gives leer Sue's dress.) JANIE. And you're going to give me everything you promised? GILBERT. Definitely. JANIE. And the mink and the car? GILBERT. No, they're off but everything else is on. JAMIE. Oh, back where we started then. (~anie gives Citbert back the dress. She moves to the balcony, opens her coat and screams.} Ahhh— (?Neither C~i]bert nor Arnold bas fried to stop her. She looks at them and her scream gets weaker. ~Cilbert sits c. of settee. Arnold sits chair a. of #able.) GILBERT. Doesn't worry me. Does it worry you, Arnold? ARNOLD. Not a bit. She can scream rill she's blue in the— GILBERT. Crouch! JAMIE. Well, what if Maude and Harry hear me? ARNOLD.I can assure you they won't. GILBERT. ;'m sorry to have to tell you, but your husband and my wife are unfaithful. JAMIE. Both of them! With whom? ARNOLD. Your wife and his husband. JAMIE. (~tstonisbed.) I don't believe it. GILBERT. It's true. )ANIE. (Outraged.) But we've been married for seven years— How can anyone behave like that!? GILBERT. Haw indeed! But you'II get over it. ARNOLD. Yes, it took you about ten seconds, didn't it? JAMIE. (7n adaze—taking Sue's dress from C~itbert and crossing him to storeroom n. n. and opening door.) Well, I shall have to go home and lie dawn. GILBERZ'. I'll join you as soon as I can. ]ANIE. (11s she exits and closes door.) Thank you. (Arnold rises and crosses to Gilbert and sits L. of him on setfee.) ARNOLD. Mr. Bodtey, where had you thought of going to console each other? GILBERT'. Janie's flat. ARNOLD. Maude and Harry might be there. GILBERT. Might they? Well, my flat, then. ARNOLD. Maude and Harry might be there. GILBERT. Well, I'm too old for mixed doubles. (9lliss ?ipdaJe 77

ent s from door tr. t., lenves rt opef2, wearing rnink coot. Sbe feels like n million clnllnr~s. Sbe comes fn lop of steps L. Citberf, rising ~utri cros~inc~ t~~irnrcPs hrr.) Tipperst ARNULD. (R~~i~~rt.) Miss Tipdale! Wliat are yuu doing? M]SS T1PllALE. (Crc~~~ing to bettnecn ibem.) It's a present from Mrs. Bodley. GILBERT. What for? MISS TIPDALE. Hush money! ARNOLD. Now thaPs poetic jastice, and she didn't even have to be a good girl for it. (7he intercom phone rings. Gilbert picks it up, standing x. of table. Arnold and ~1iss ?ipdale took at him.) GILBERT. (Into phone.) Hullo, Phillips— I thought yodd bees fired.... (Startled.) You what? ...I'll be right down. (7Ie slams the phone doom and makes for the door u. z.) ARNOLD. What's the matter, Mr. Bodley? GILBERT. I've got to go and see the doorman. ARNOLD. Why? GILBERT. He's going to se11 his story to the Sunday papers! (C,~ilbert omits door u. z.) ARNOLD. (?iirning io ~4iss ?ipdale.) You know, all this rushing around has had the most devastating effect on my adrenalin. MISS Z'IPDALE. I'm delighted to hear it. ARNOLD. Miss Tipdale? MISS TIPDALE. Mr. Crouch? ARNOLD. Ambrosine—? MTSS TIPDALE. Arnold—? ARNOLD. Will you—? Will you—? MRS. FRENCHAM. (£ntering from u. z.) Will you tell my husband I've gone off home? ARNOLD. Oh, yes. He was here a moment ago. MRS. FRENCHAM. Oh!—missed him again! Ws shall never get our shopping done at this rate. (~4~ir. 7~rencbam gaily e»ters with hottIes of d~nmpagne.) MR. FRENCHAM. God, it's good to see you, Harriet. MRS. FREIVCHAM. George—where have you been? For goodness' sake, we've still got our shopping to do. MR. FRENCHAM. Shopping, be damned! We're going back home immediately. MRS. FREN~HAM. Home?? MR. FRENC~IAM. Yes. Come on, my Little peach. It's harvest 78

time! (7 [e s~ri~icks ber botlo~n n►id they exit u. t., tensing door open.) ARNOLD. I think there must be something in the air. MISS TIPDALE. You were saying, Mr. Crouch? ARNOLD. Oh, yes. Miss Tipdale—Ambrosine—will you—will you— (Sue comes out of cockiaii cabinet D. L., cnrryi~:g n champagne bottle. Sloe is bnppity but fn~tdty t~psy.~ SUE. (Brightly.) Will you come help me, Mr. Crouch!? (Scse sinus D. L. door. /`1{iss 7ipdale fnkes bottle nrrd puffs it on iabte.) MISS TIPDALE. Are you all right, Mrs. Lawson? SUE. Lovely. (?o Arftolci.) Oh, Mr. Crouch, 1 thinl: you're super. (Putting arms ro~cr~d 1lrnotct. Arnold reacts.) ARNOLD. I think you'd better go home now. MISS TIPDALE. She can't—she only has bra and pants on under her coat. ARNOLD. Oh no—shc hasn't got a dress any more. MISS TIPDALE. Well, she can have mine. (~ltiss 7iptinie takes o/f tine ttiink.) SUE. Oh, that's a very pretty tip, I~liss Dressdale. MISS T'IPDALE. 'Thank you very much. (?o ~Irnold.} Mr. Crouch? ARNOLD. Yes, Miss Tipdale? (She t~rrrts leer bock to Arnold fo be unzipped.) MISS TIPDALE. Undo me, will you? (Arnold Looks nt audience and gives them a toicked wink.) ARNOLD. Yes, of course— Would you like to slip your coat off, Mrs. Lawson? (Sue tnkes her coat off slid ~fiss 7ipctnle slitis out of her dress. ~tiss ?ipdnle is tvenr•ing n bright red slip. Arnold is overjoyed.) My favorite color! (9t~tiss ?ipdnle and Arnold help Sue into the dress. 'While ?6fiss 7'ipdale 1~olds the dress open for Sue to step into it, Arnold gets on his knees to assist.) SUE. (Stepping in, one foot at a ti»le.) One—two— (?hey get the dress gathered up round her waist. Sue is facing Miss ?ipdale with dress-zip at back. During Sue's next speech she turns ferst to Arnotct and then to ~biiss ?indnle. Because they are bolding fire dress Stre turns, but the dress strays still. S~.te, turning to Arnold.) I think you're the nicest man I've ever met. (.Arnold looks up and ~sicis i~er boso~it le~~et wit}~ his Jute. Sue, turning to Miss ?ipciate.) Don't you think he's nice, Miss Tipdale? (As she turns, ~rnotd rs nosv confrortfecl tnitl~ her bottom.) . 79

MISS TIPDALE. Yes, he is, very nice. SLIE. (Turning to face Arnold again.) You know the way you take the blame for everything is jelly gonerous. (Arnold is rivefed by the sight of 1~er navel and quickly pu1Is the zip up but it gets stuck under her bosom. ?-Ie tries to get it past, but to no nvail.) ARNOLD. (7o audience.) Anybody got a warm shoe horn? (7-te goes baclz to dealing with her bosom.) GILBERT. (entering and seeing the situation.) My God, he's a fast worker! {Arnold gives up trying fo get the zip past Sue's bosom, and neatly Pies the two sleeves over her chest and grins at Coilhart.) ARNOLD. Ambrosine, it was on the tip of my tongue to propose to you jest now. MISS TIPDALE. Mr. Crouch, in answer to your request, I would be most happy to accept. ARNOLD. Ambrosine. MISS TIPDALE. Yes! ARNOLD. May I kiss you? MISS TIPDALE. Oh, yes. (Arnold kisses Sue in misfake for ~'tiss 7ipdale. Lnwson enters u. L. and sees this.) LAWSOI~T. What the hell do you think you're doing? GILBER~I'. It's all right, he's taking an inventory! ARNOLD. I'm terribly sorry, just a little slip. SLIE. (Zipping her dress up the front, and crossing #o Lawson.) Charlie, how dare you follow me here! LAWSOIV. (Grabbing her.) You come with me. 1f this is how you carry on when my back's turned, we're going straight round to one of them 1ega1 fellows. ARNOLD. Please, please. We've come through so much today, without resorting to divorce. LAWSON. Who's talking about divorce? I'm going to marry her proper. SUE. (his she is pulled up steps by Lawson.) Oh, Charlie! (She turns in the doorway u. ~.) I'm going to be legitimate! (They both exit v. t., Lawson pulling Sue after him. ?ante enters door n. x., wearing Sue's dress. ?t is far too short and tight for her.) JAMIE. Is it a bit short? ARNOLD. Hardly worth putting on, was it? MISS TIPDALE. Welt, come to my office, and we'll see what we can do aboat it. {Going up steps c. and towards door u. z.) 80 81

THE CllRTAI1V 1=ALLS

JANIE. (~o(lowing bcr.) ~ylhac do )/OtI Silegcst? ARNOLD. I'll see if there's something I can ]et down! MISS TIPDALE. Arnold! (ittiss Tipdnle exits u. z.) GILBERT. (To ?Write.) Hurry up, it's two o'clock and I'm hungry. JANIE. (At door tr. L.) T~vo minutes, darling. Then come back to my place and I'Il give you a bite of something. (~nnie exits u. z. ns Gilbert rends to ber last remark.) ARNOLD. Wi11 yon be safe? GILBERT. I hope not! (Miss `~vl~itiington enters u. L.} MISS ~~iITTINGTOI~1. Do you want me for anything e]se, Mr. Bodley? ARIVOLD. Just tidy up in the storeroom, will you, Miss Whittington. MISS WHITTINGTON. Certainty, Mr. Crouch. (She crosses seductively to n. R. acid exits info storerootri, closing door behind her. Gilbert foiioivs her to settee.) GILBERT. (Looking towards door n. a.} How long did Janie say she'd be? i1RNOLD. Two minutes. GILBERT. (Re/lectiveIy.) Two minutes— (Looks towards door e.shakes his bead acid gives e+p the icien.) Come on, Arnold, let's ,o. (Gilbert exits u. t., followed by Arnold t~bo re-enters imttiedintely and runs totvnrds n. R. eagerly, Gilbert re-enters Uejore he reaches it, and stnncls wntching hint till be gets there.) Crouch! (Arnold starts violently, then rattles door handle.) ARNOLD. It's locked! Definitely locked. Just checking, Make a note of that! (Arnold bcirries back to Gilbert ns:)

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Chair—in hall

French doors—closed

Stretcher to catch clothing, etc., and bamboo pole

Standing ash tray

2nd shelf—proofs, 1 box 3rd shelf—hangers 4th shelf—(Top)—nothing—hang furs from shelves (on floor— boxes)

Cabinets—Below-2 boxes Bottom shelf—hat boxes, papers, proofs

Mirror—on wal3

Bar door—closed

10.

83

Double doors n.—open—keyhole in door u.—closed

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8C. Chair

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8A. Console table—fur magazines, glass vase with flowers

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6.

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2nd—papers, plastic covers 3rd—box 4th—furs

Cabinets—in: Top—hangers

Hooks for costumes—on back of return Mirror hanging on back of return Curtain to mask quick change room Ash tray for Bodley's cigar

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Floor Covering: pale apricot color carpet

PROPERTY PLOT

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2 tea towels in catches

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Sink2nd shelf—ice bucket and tongs, 3 highball glasses, 8 bottles 3rd shelf-9 bottles

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Desk—secured to stage floor or railing French desk phone with dial—v. L. (phone wires tucked in railing) White interoffice phone—c.—(glaed to table) Silver cigarette box with cigarettes in Cigarette lighter—on x. end of desk 2 silver ash trays—] is a. and n. corner—water in Matches L. drawer—diary

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Chair—on—blue jacket with hankie (Crouch)

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Bottom shelf—(10) tall Iiquor bottles, ash tray 2nd shelf—{7) tall liqueur bottles, champagne bucket Top shelf-7 bottles

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ReFrigerator—in: Top shelf—ice trays Bottom shelf—Schweppes bottles Bottom shelf-3 bottles—leave space in center 2nd shelf=8 highball glasses--Creme de cacao bottle 3rd shelf~lecanter and 8 martini stem glasses 4th shelf-5 martini stem glasses Top shelf-3- decanters

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5. 2 champagne glasses with champagne in (Crouc[i)