No Shades of Grey - Ayzad

 

 

 

The author Born in 1969 1969,, Ayzad is an Italian Itali an journalist, author and educator about unusual sexualities. He’s He’s be been en practicing BDSM BDSM for a rather long l ong while and he wrote the best -selling book BDSM –  A  A guide for explorers of extreme eroticism, endorsed by various v arious sexologists and psychologists associa associations. tions.

His  ayzad.com website collects news, articles, resources His resources and free ebooks about the world of unusual sex .

Note

Throughout this book the male form Throughout f orm (‘him’, ‘hi ‘his’…) s’…) is used according to literary lite rary ccustoms, ustoms, with no gender ge nder bias implied. impl ied. In I n fact, every activity de desscribed within is perfectly suitable to any gender combination you can conceive conc eive of.

The author autho r wishes to thank Dr. Robert Rubel fo forr his proof proofreading reading of this Engli English sh translation. translation.  

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Foreword   Foreword The summer of 20 2012 12 will wil l be llong ong remembered as a sm small all se sexual xual revol ution. ution. Thanks to an unprecedented global marketing feat, E.L. James novel Fifty shades of Grey and its two seq sequels uels drove over 100 100 milli on of readers worldwide worldwi de to discover and appreciate the so called ‘BDSM ‘ BDSM’, ’, or erotic domination games.   Of course it wasn’t the first time this topic came iinto nto fashion: in the recent past the successes of books and movies such as The story of O, 9 ½ weeks and The secretary  confirmed  confi rmed how muc much h interest these practices practices raised. The real difference dif ference was in the size of this thi s success. success. What until then had been a myste mysterious rious connoisseurs’ passion suddenly suddenly became a mainstream main stream phenomenon. phenomenon. With all al l the related problems. Indeed, the Shades trilogy is just a romance romance inspi red by – by – among  among all possible possi ble sources – sources –  Twilight ’s ’s vampires. Its goal is i s to le t the female f emale readers reade rs dream an updated and pornographic pornographic version of Prince Charming’s Charming’s tale, not to scrutinize the complexities complexities of a real real relationship, relatio nship, nor to describe how BDSMis actually li ved in the real world. Unfortunately not all readers understood this. Just as in the story about the kid who ties ti es a sheet around his neck and jumps from the window believin be lieving g he can fly after watching a Superman movie, many readers (and several sev eral journalists) were convinced that extreme eroticism eroticism actually was what Anastasia and Christian Grey do, and threw thre w themsel themselves ves into emulating emulating them without really knowing what they were doing. The world press is reporting the results: a sudden increase of e embarra mbarrassing ssing or lethal accidents – accidents – which  which howeverr ar howeve are e just the tip of the iceberg. icebe rg. In my counseling counseli ng alone, in example, I am meeting more and more peopl e whose careless approach people approach to these pract practices ices has resulted in i n psychological psychological,, social or even physical physi cal damages they could have easily easil y avoided with a little prep preparati aration. on. The fault of course does not lie in the novels or in BDSM itself, itsel f, that remains a wonderfu wonderfull form of erotic play safel y expe safely experie rienced nced by hundreds of mill ion ionss of men and women every day . The real risk is in the dramatization of sexual sexu al domination domination as portrayed portrayed by most media, medi a, which highlight highl ight the spe ctacular ctacular and exci ting sides of it without exciting wi thout presenting presenting any hints of its underlying complexities. complexities. BDSM is reall y an “extreme” activity, and like lik e all ex treme activities, it must be confronted responsibly. responsibly. Given my 25 years of expe rience in these things, I then thought it would be usef useful ul to write a short guide to explain what BDSM really is. I t is an effort to help others to avoid trouble while also enabling enabling them to get the most pleasure ple asure and fun from a phenomenon phenomeno n that has lots to offe offerr - if you just approach it se sensibly. nsibly. Enjoy it! A  

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What ‘BDSM’ means  means   What I often call “extreme “e xtreme eroticism” e roticism” or “domination games” involve involve s many erotic practices practices wi with th one common structure: structure: one of the partners ccontrols ontrols the nature and extent ex tent of the stimulation stimulati on and the other partner receives whatever whatev er is being offere off ered, d, actively contribu contributing ting to the experience of both . It may sound awfull y complicated, but in fact it is si mply the actual rreali ealization zation of the « «do do whatever you want with me» that love rs have been forever whispering to one another. In other othe r words, BDSM BDSM represents a safe context within wi thin which it becomes possible to rediscover the pleasures offered of fered by sensations, sensations, emotions and relati relations ons that are are normal normally ly ex excluded cluded by our daily live l ivess. When speaking about BDSM and sex many special terms crop up up,, first of them…  them…  BDSM

…which is the acronym of:  of:   Bondage –  both in the sense sen se of ropes and handcuffs, handcuffs, and of close relationship relati onship between between two people; pe ople; Domination –  or Discipline, depending depe nding on who you ask. Eithe Eitherr way it means that one orders and the other

obeys. Failure to obey is punished; Sadism (or Submission)  –  the pleasure ple asure derived from inflicting suffering; Masochism –  – the    the reflection ref lection of the above: above : pleasure derived from suffering suff ering for another’s enjoym e njoyment. ent.  

As we will see, all of this is quite different different from the mess depicte depicted d in Fifty shades  and also differs from the pornographic excesses you can can see on many websites we bsites –  – but  but most most of all it has not nothing hing to do with sadomasochism as meant by medical scien science. ce.

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BDSM vs. sadomasochism   While the media medi a tend to mix the two up, there the re is a huge diff erence between between BDSM BDSM and sadomasochism. Both are born out of the natural domination domi nation and submission instincts instincts shared shared by every ev ery mammal – mammal – human  human beings included – included – but  but everything ev erything depends on how these instincts are expressed. expressed.

If they are let loose in an uncontroll uncontro lled ed manner: 

  They are lived li ved out as a form of masturbation, in which whi ch the other person is treated only onl y as a tool to realize one’s one’ s fantasy

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  They elicit eli cit discomfort in oneself and others   They can possibly possibl y transform into crimes and cause social social damages

The above constitutes a rather rare pathology, technically ca call lled ed sadomasochism , which obviously must be cured.

If however howev er the same instinc instincts ts are controlled, fil filtered tered throug through h intel intelli ligence gence and a awareness wareness :   

  They are lived li ved out in harmony with a consenting consenti ng partner   They are an instrument i nstrument to better know oneself and the partner   They do not cause any social problem

This is called called BDSM, the subject of this guide and a pleasant p leasant erotic game played by mor more e people than you can imagine.

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What it is about   It is hard to summarize what BDSM BDSM is in i n a few words because i t literally literall y include includess hundreds of possible practices and each e ach couple couple picks pi cks and chooses from among among the various options to combine the activiti es in the way they find most pleasing and suitab suitable. le. Once decided decided who will take on the dominant rrole ole and who the submissive submissiv e one, the good part is to l et the fantasy free according to one’s preferences. Certainly Certainly,, however, howeve r, healthy BDSM is…  is…   

  …something that enriches sex, but does not substitute it Nothing prevents preve nts you from inventing situations situations that go on even e ven for days, during which erotic tension builds bui lds up without any sexual contact – contact – ye  yett it would wo uld be unwhol esome esome to think that any alternative practice could take over a fundamental part of a couple’s relationshi rel ationship. p.  

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  … play, not a lifestyle Enthusiasts use the term ‘24/7’ ‘24/7’ to indicate indi cate a relation relati on in which whi ch BDSMroles are mantained even out of the bedroom, full-time. full-time. That however doesn’t mean to renounce a normal normal social life l ife,, a job, hobbies, hobbie s, friendsh frie ndships ips or anything el else: se: to subordinate your whole exis e xistenc tence e to any  form  form of sexuality is a symptom sy mptom of something wrong.

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  … fluid   fluid , constantly evolving With the ex ception ception of a few safety rules we’ll see later, nothing is immutabl i mmutable e in extreme eroticism eroticism because we ourselves ourse lves are continuously cha changing nging and evol evolvin ving g –  – it  it is then just logical logi cal to adapt our play to our momentary desires, abilities and fantasies.

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  …ma …made de of extreme emotions, not of pushing the limits Those who choose to engage in i n BDSM are are moved move d by the wish w ish to experiment expe riment with somet something hing more more intense than can can be found f ound in the their ir daily routine routine.. For some people this means getting whipped whipped or to perform multiple multipl e piercings; piercings; for others it may be sufficie suff icient nt to feel the exci exciteme tement nt of spending the day wearing we aring the clothes chosen by the partner – partner – thus  thus feeli fe eling ng like his doll - or allowing allowi ng themselv themselves es to to be blindfol bli ndfolded ded and tied at the wrists. The onl y necessary thing is to reall y “feel” what you are doing doi ng.. 

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  …both an inner and a physical experience expe rience BDSM – just BDSM –  just like li ke any other erotic activity – activity – can  can be done mechanically, as a pure searc search h for performance. However, it is best enjoyed when it is used as a chance to bette betterr know oneself and one’s possibilities, possi bilities, limits and prejudices. prejudices. In fact, BDSM BDSM can be used to help hel p improve communication with one’s partner and and to help buil build d mutua mutuall trust and bonding. And it does offer l ots of opportunities for that, that, believe belie ve me.

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Who practices it A common prejudice prejudi ce is that BD BDSM SM is only practiced by few ve very ry weird indi individu viduals. als. As you might have already guessed reality real ity is however quite differe different. nt. Surveys and studies over ove r the last decades show constant constant results. By the definiti defin ition on I gave at the beginning, begi nning, grouping under the term ‘BDSM’ every eve ry domination game game from the most gentle to the most extreme, throughout the industrialized world: 1 person in 6 has erotic fantasies fantasies of this kind; 1 person in 10  has put them into practice. practice.

This means, for example , that according according to official 2012 2012 ce census nsus data, in Europe there are roughly 33 million men and women wome n between 18 and 65 who w ho pract p ractice ice BDSM. BDSM. That would w ould be slightly sl ightly fewer f ewer than the whole whol e population of Canada, or about the same number numbe r of people who w ho live in the 23 most populous North American citie citiess combined . All ki nds of peopl people e enjoy BDSM: BDSM: young and old people, pe ople, the rich, the poor, stupid people and geniuses, heterosexuals and gays, cultivated and ignorant people, single si ngles, s, married, marri ed, balanced individu individuals, als, and even a few basket case case –  – eve  every ry sor sortt of person, just as you would expect expe ct in such a vast group. Clearly, many of them only play occasionally and very gently, yet it is also clear that such a wi widespread despread phenomeno n cannot be considered phenomenon considered an “oddity”. “oddity”. As a matter matter of fact, the onl y ones treating it as such are the mass media, medi a, who often benefi bene fitt from having some scandal scandal available to use on a slow ne news ws day. Other than the popular popul ar press, press, others who discuss BDSM have much more reasonable opini opinions, ons, including including two important professional groups.

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The position positio n of …  It can be baffling baffl ing to find yourself interes i nterested ted in alternativ alternative e sexuality, sexuality, as it forces you to confront aspects of yourself which w hich society taught you to repress since your childhood, and which we normally ke keep ep hidden even from f rom ourselves. The initial confusion of often ten br brings ings you to ask yoursel yourselff naïve questions that nonetheless appear upsetting in the heat of the moment, moment, among which the cclassic: lassic: «do I need ne ed to be cured?» Before moving on, let’s let ’s then spend then spend a moment to learn le arn how civil society soci ety judges BDSM. BDSM.

Medical science Psychologists Psychologi sts and psychiatrists psychiatrists use as their diagnostic tool a manual ca calle lle d DSM which  which –  –  in l ayman’s terms –  adopts the foll owing criterion: «The only on ly pathological behaviors are the ones which cause difficult d ifficulties ies to those having them or to tho those se with whom they interact with»

So, as we said, sadomasochism is bad, but BDSM is perfectly perfe ctly acceptable acceptable..

The law The laws regulating regulati ng BDSM play vary widely widel y between countries, but they are usually b based ased on the same general principl e: people have the right to fre freely ely e expre xpress ss and enjoy their sexuality sexuality –  – but  but not to actually harm one another. Some see se e governme gove rnmental ntal restriction as intolerable State interference interference in thei theirr private lives, yet ye t it is also a good way to keep vulnerable people people from being abused, abused, an and d from keeping violent vi olent peopl e from wounding others. However, people However, this is just a framework, often allowi all owing ng for some reasonable leeway lee way when it comes to clearly consensual, harmless and private behavior. Having said this, the precise preci se approaches of the various government gove rnmentss can be so diffe di fferent rent that that I cannot but urge you to personally personall y check the legal status of erotic play in your local territory. At the very least you should check out the Wikipedia entry called  called BDSM and the law . 

Note: the above -mentioned approaches approaches are are simply simpl y the most frequentl f requently y held by professionals. professionals. Their assessments of BDSM can be biased by their thei r personal culture, open or close d mindedness, context context and more. A good rule of thumb is i s not to take someone’s someone’ s kindness kindness or intelligence for granted and to to prevent pre vent unpleasant unple asant situations. situations. Let’s see how.

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The principles of BDSM 

The very point of erotic domination games is to live liv e intense ex experienc periences, es, so it is not surprising that most practices come come with some risk of physical phy sical or psyc psychologi hological cal harm harm.. What is surprising is that people generall gene rally y don’t get hurt by the most dangerous-looking dangerous -looking activities, activities, but by minor details detail s going wrong without being noticed. A thorough preparation constitutes the best prevention, and when practiced by respon responsibl sible e people, peopl e, BDSM always respects three important i mportant risk-reduc risk-reducing ing principles: principles:

Collaboration, not competition Although some scenes involv i nvolving ing whips, restraints, humiliating humiliating practices and the such may lead to think of competition  based relationships («Let’s («Let’s see if you can stand i t or break»), break »), the normal BDSM approach approach iiss

founded on collaboration instead. The partners commit to expl ore the iintense ntense sensati sensations ons and the emotions e motions arising from such uncommon situations. There is a sharing and an equal give gi ve -and-take during BDSM play: resistance and violence viole nce are most defini definittely excluded from this.

SSC – Safe, Sane and Consensual The acronym acronym is quite well known, but it might be worth it to remember what each each letter precisely mean means: s: Safe  –  –  To minimize mini mize risks you must not improvise, but thoroughl thoroughly y know yourself, your partner, the activities

you want to engage e ngage in and the correct use of any involved invol ved tool. Keeping Keeping full control allows to prevent and deal with wi th possible possibl e emergencies; emergencies; Sane –   –  To avoid avoi d physical and psychological psychologi cal damage damages, s, every activity must be approached with a mature and

responsible attitude. Knowing at the the le least ast the basics of physiology enables you not tto o exceed excee d the limi limits ts of the human body; onsensual  –  – Eac    Each hp partner artner has wishe s and limits li mits that must be clarified clarifie d before the play begins and respected respected C onsensual 

throughout the play scene. To do this you must be lucid, only onl y involve invol ve people who have agreed to, and agree agree on a signal (a word, gesture or both) to be used to immediately immedi ately stop tthe he scene in case of problems.

RACK – Risk-Aware Consensual Kink This abbreviation means me ans that – that –  in additi add ition on to  what SSC says says –  –   the partners ttrust rust and respect respe ct each each other, they consciously consciousl y choose to ex plore extreme activities, activities, and both of them take the responsibility for working together to deal with wi th any ac accidental cidental problems proble ms that arise from their BDSM play. This refers ref ers to both the normal yet intense in tense psycholog psychol ogical ical and physi physical cal eff effect ects, s, and the consequence conseq uencess of possible, possi ble, imponderable imponderable accidents.

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The practices  practices  «All right, ri ght, but what BDSM players playe rs actually do?» This is a legitimate legi timate question, question, especiall especially y because all these refere nces to risks and dangers references dangers seem to clash with the outrageously romantic concepts concepts I described a few pages earlier. earlie r. It’s impossible to give a comprehensive answer, as the safety and responsi bil bility ity rules we just saw also have an important coll collateral ateral effect: When you clearl clearly y know what you must not do, everything else  becomes available to experiment with. with.

To clarify, when whe n I tried tried to b briefl riefl y descri describe be all the practices of this erotic art art in my my book BDSM –  A  A guide for explorers of extreme erotic eroticism ism… I ne needed eded ove overr 7 700 00 pages! You might might wish to come and have a l ook at my websi te to find some inspiration, inspiration, but the truth truth is you just have to keep ke ep in mind one concept, ayzad.com website common to every practice: intensity. Let me repeat that ‘intense’ ‘i ntense’ doesn’t mean ‘excessive ‘ excessive’’ or ‘without control’ control ’, but simply whatever whatever evokes the strongest emotions emotion s for those particular people, in their particular conditions, in that particular moment . There are four fou r main main aspects:

Physical intensity The explora expl oration tion of unusua unusuall bodily bodily stimulations , such as restraints (bondage and se nsory deprivation), deprivation), temperature (hot wax or o r ice play), e xtreme sex se x (dilations, (dilations, forced orgasm), pain (from a spanking to whipping, whippi ng, play pierc pi ercing, ing, clamps, electr electroo-stimulations… stimulations…))

Psychological intensity The experience of behaviors far from normal daily l ife: exhibit ex hibitionism ionism,, humiliation, humiliation, pony pl play, ay, orgasm denial, denial, submission in general…  general… 

Relational intensity Practices based on the strong power difference in the partners’ roles, such as role  play, discipline, objectification, objectif ication, toilet toilet games…  games… 

Transformative intensity understanding ng  of your ide Practices which radically modify modif y the very understandi identity ntity and of your body, such as fix f ixed ed behavioral rules, body modification modification (pe rman rmanent ent piercings, branding…), 24/7 24/7 relationships…  relationships…  

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But where is the fun fun in that? Reading the previous list li st probably probably left you a bit pe rpl rplexed. exed. While it is easy to see the fascination in some of those games, others sound absurd or gross… Are we sure that harboring such passions is not deranged? The most precise answer answe r ccan an be found in a famous saying of sufi master Rumi, who li lived ved in 1200 1200:: «Who doesn’t hear the music thinks those who dance dan ce iinsane nsane  » Or, if you y ou prefer a more contemporary contemporary source, you ccan an trust Louis Armstrong, who sighed : «If you have to ask what wha t jazz iis, s, y you’ll ou’ll never understand it  »

Fact is, many profoundly profoundl y moving activities are inexplicable under the lens le ns of logic. To understand some of these, you must be willi wi lli ng to abandon yourself to it. But, if you really ne need ed a scientific explanation, there is one. What makes BDSM pleasurable iis: s: 

  The feeli fee ling ng of complicity and intimacy whi which ch arises from sharing extreme experiences with your partner

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The excitement excite ment to transgress all the “good manners” imposed by society and routine   Reclaiming a sensoriality sen soriality largely lost to modern comforts and online, “virtu “virtual” al” llives ives   The experience of ordeal, or to put oneself to the test and becoming becoming stronger for it The arousal from the adrenaline rush caused caused by experiencing ex periencing extreme situations

And, for the submissive submissi ve partner, partner, there also al so is the possibil possi bility ity (under especially especially favorable circumstances) circumstances) that the mix of mental exciteme ex citement nt and physical sensation will release release endorphins  – neurotransmitters – neurotransmitters that give a sense of wellwel l-bei being ng so intense to be identical to the ecstasies ex perienc erienced ed by ascetics from every religion and culture. And I mean this li terally: lab l ab tests proved it is the ve very ry same phenomenon. BDSM BDSM enthusiasts call it ‘subspace’. ’.  

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The tools of the trade The exotic exoti c tools and clothi clothing ng associated with BDSM in the media medi a are perhaps its m most ost distinctive aspect. aspe ct. Speciali zed websites websites love to show these implements in unsettling locations full of torture machines, commonly known as ‘dungeons’. But are all those complicated devices de vices ac actually tually useful? In reality, real ity, everythi ev erything ng depends on how you live liv e the eroticism of domination. domination. Unless you play hard and of ten, there is usually no need nee d to obtain any tool, also al so because part part of the fun can li e in inventing inve nting new sensual uses for common everyday items. The The only trick is, as a always, lways, to check ahead how whatever tool you select is used in order to avoid “unpredictable” accidents. For example, e xample, using precious precious silk scarves to tie someone’s wrists as descr described ibed in Fifty shades is very romantic… until you find fi nd out that that tying tyin g knots in that fabric tends to make them very diff difficult icult to untie without cutting them. Many substances frequent freque ntly ly used as se sexual xual lubricants must be avoided because they can promote infections infe ctions - or even damage condoms… The examples could go on forever. foreve r.   Just like in i n every fiel d, if you are serious about about BDSM BDSM it is worth you yourr time and expense to get specifi c tools for specifi spe cificc types of play. Specialized tools have the undeniable advantage advantage of offering unique sen sensations. sations. In the Resources section of my  my  ayzad.com website I selected hundreds of online shops, each one of the them m specializing speciali zing in some part particular icular type of items. ite ms. What you surely won’t need is i s to build a dedicated scenic set. If you really reall y have special aesthetic requirement requireme nts, s, it is much simpler to make use of the many the theme me clubs and hotels, rental dungeons and the such.

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Fetish and fetishisms Talking about aesthetics: domination website websitess are full of strange characters characters dressed in rubber, hooded, perched on absurdly high stiletto sti letto he heels els.. How are they related to BDSM? Surprisingl y, the answer is: ‘very li ttle’ Surprisingly, ttle’.. Erotic submission games are – are – as  as the name imply – imply –  based on power and control, which w hich can be expressed e xpressed through physical stimulations, stimulations, soft or hard. B But ut none no ne of them the m require any special clothes. Those unquesti onably onably ffasci ascinating nating pictures are part of fetish, which is a whole whol e different diff erent world world founded on hypersexual hypersexu al aesthetic aestheticss – or  –    or the unabashed glorif glorifica ication tion of sexually appeal appeal ing traits. traits. For example, if hi gh heelss shape the legs and push buttocks up in a more appealing shape, then towerin heel towering g heels will be even better; if a thin waist is a biol biologically ogically arousing arousing feature, the fetish use of hourglass cor corsets sets to highl highlight ight it is the natural progressio progression n; if wearing latex l atex on the bare skin gives give s an odd and and very pleasant “second skin” feeling, fee ling, many fetish enthusiasts cover themsel themselves ves in it from head to toe. toe . The reason for the confusion confusi on comes from two things: first, the fact that journalists fi find nd it easier and more more spectacular to show fetish feti sh imagery than BDSM BDSM,, and second, se cond, the partial overlapping of the two worlds. In other words, some fetish fe tish lovers love rs also enjoy BDSM BDSM play and vi ce versa – versa –  but they usually are two very different diff erent a and nd unrelated things. Another independe inde pendent nt erotic variation which whi ch is often confused with wi th the two are fetishisms , or the uncontrollable attraction attraction to some specif specific ic detail detail –  –  but not for the partner’s whole body. body . The most common of them is fo foot ot fetishism, fetish ism, but there are countless fetishisms for the most diverse objects, even including specifi c sounds or scents. scents. To recap:   

  Fetishism –   The love for or actual sexual attraction attraction toward something   Fetish –   – The fl aunting of the aesth aesthetic etic of seduction taken taken to excess   BDSM – A  – A p power ower and control game game distinct from the preceding two

But let’s go go back to us… Or even better, on better,  on to the o others. thers.

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Meeting the others Since having fun fu n with any sexual practice requires at least two people, peopl e, all the BDSM phil philosophy osophy and knowledge knowle dge is quite qui te useless if you don’t have anybody to shar share e it with. Therefore one of the main worries of extreme eroticism enthusiasts enthusiasts is to meet their the ir ideal i deal partner. partner. After you won’t find it so easily… e asily… or will you?  you?   Actually as we saw in the beginning Actually be ginning there are lots of people who are intrigued intrigued by the world of domination and submission, submi ssion, so usually you just have to propose BDSMtactfully, without w ithout appearing to be a dangerous madman. If you are careful with wi th your conversation, you are likely to discover quite a few people with whom to ex plore new sexual se xual possibilitie possibilities. s. Of course, your cha chances nces wil willl be limited li mited if you have especially peculiar peculi ar or complex needs, ne eds, but in i n these cases you can always always try other othe r approa approaches: ches:

Online searches  Betwee n the social networ Between ne tworks, ks, the dating sites si tes and the specialized personals, personals, the Internet offers nearly infi nite possibilities possibilities to introduce yourself to potential partners in all of y your our erotic ero tic richness - without having havi ng to hi de your private tastes. The important thing is not to be inappropriate: vulgar, vul gar, insincere insincere or exaggerated profiles profil es will turn away any sensible person. p erson. And just like lik e in the real world, the best results are obtained not by desperately de sperately huntin hunting g around, but simply by letting le tting them find you.

Thematic meetings  Forget secret Eyes wide shut -style -style events, that that never existed ex isted in reality anyway. BDSM enthusiasts meet munches’  ’  or at informal much more normally over ov er cocktails and appetizers in public meetings mee tings ccalled alled ‘munches dinne rs announced online just like dinners li ke othe otherr common common-interests -interests gr groups oups do. To attend, you only onl y have to confirm your presence prese nce and behave politely, politely, since everyone will just chat and be trying to make new friends. f riends. Simil arly announced on your local domination websit w ebsite, e, you might mi ght also find technic te chnical al workshops in which different diff erent play techniques ar are e taught – taught –  usually in a pretty non-erotic wa way. y. To go further, you can go to a play pl ay party – party – and  and Google will help you find f ind them, too. For your safety I suggest to avoid avoi d private parties unl unless ess you know most other part participants, icipants, and stick to “public” “publi c” events. Dif ferent Dif ferent local laws make for f or diffe di fferent rent requirements tto o select a legitimate legiti mate party, but privacy-pro privacy- protected tected galleries, galleries, good past reports about a party, and a non -street dress code are generally generall y good signs. You You will wil l probably find these events e vents much nicer and cleaner clean er than “normal” “normal” clubs, so there is no need ne ed to be scared. To get an idea of how they look, you can check out my own monthl monthly y party at  at  www.sadistique.com.

Professionals   It is a fact that many people go to professional professi onal dominatrixes dominatrixes to fulfill ful fill their fantasi fantasies es –  – profe  professional ssional  prodommess are serious, submissives submissiv es and male male dominants are rather rare. rare. Real prodomme se rious, refi ned, competent competent experts who often own spectacular studios and costumes. They don’t allow sexual se xual contac contactt –  – and depending on the country you live li ve in, they can be a very small minority minori ty among countless countless prostitutes prostitutes improvising improvising a difficult diff icult role, sometimes someti mes with dangerous dangerous results. If you rreall eally y have to choose one, you want to sel select ect her by her investment inve stment in ex pensive parapherna paraphernalia lia and her openness in di scussing scussing how she cleans her toys between betwe en sessions – sessions  – both  both signs of a serious seri ous professional.

Communities  Apparently, the simplest alternative is to join one or more BDSM forums on the Web, l ook around and slowly slowl y become part of what are often of ten referred refe rred to as ‘communities communities’’. By taking part in their thousands of discussions on the on the most byzantine aspects of extreme eroticism you will at least get a sense of the get a culture, and in their friendly friendl y climate you risk to meet meet the right person. Possibly. Possibl y. In fact, before going for that you you should read the next page…

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Online BDSM 

The Internet served a pivotal role in i n the creation of the current B BDSM DSM culture. For the first fi rst time in history, extreme eroticism pioneers pioneers could easily get in i n touch with thousands of other enthusiasts enthusi asts worldwi worldwide, de, compare their experiences expe riences,, and assemble a body of knowle dge unimagin unimaginable able before. Better yet, they could make this information availab avail able le to everyone. However, this thi s thrilling first fi rst phase was followed by an unstoppable flood of characters who had nothing to do with e eroticism: roticism: mythomaniac mythomaniacss running from reality; reali ty; ex exhib hibitionists itionists;; trolls; wretches believing believing that the domination/submission dyn domination/submission dynam amics ics we were re a permit for their thei r inabil inability ity to relate; po pornographe rnographers; rs; sexual predators; jokers and – and – lots  lots of – of –   frustrated people lo looking oking for titillating fantasies to masturbate masturbate over without personal pe rsonal investment. investment. The result is that today, correct correct information inf ormation and competent people on the Web are are hidden h idden in a sea of futility – futility  – or  or worse. This means that approaching approaching the fascinating world of BDSM from the Interne Internett requires your utmost prudence. prudence. In some countries, countrie s, a clear conseque consequence nce of this confusion is that many many disgusted seriou serio us players left the virtual dimension dime nsion altoget altogether, her, leaving the Net Ne t in the very hands of the most questionabl questionable e ccharact haracters. ers. Dependi ng on where you live, Depending li ve, you may want to keep kee p in mind that real and online onli ne BDSM might be two almost completely separated se parated worlds.

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Further resources  resources   I hope you found this brief guide usefu usef ul for a first orienta orientation tion to the reality of BDSM. BDSM. While I have done my best to explain ex plain this world, it i t is such a vast culture that it would require a much longer book to do it jjustice. ustice. website, te, in whose Resources section you will fin fi nd If you want to learn le arn more, I suggest to visi visitt my my  ayzad.com websi a constantly updated list of the best books and websi websites tes through whi which ch to know the world of extreme eroticism. See you there?

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