Next Thing You Know (NMT) - Libretto

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Next Thing You Know a new musical Music by Joshua Salzman Book and Lyrics by Ryan Cunningham

Originally produced at CAP21

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SCENE 1: Sullivan Street Tavern #1 – Prelude (A dark and dingy bar in New York City. The grime is part of its charm— like the musty basement of your favorite childhood memories. WAVERLY unlocks the door, flips on the light and hangs her keys on the hook. SHE begins to prepare the bar for the night.) #2 – Little Bar on Sullivan Street

(ENSEMBLE) WAVERLY

SET UP THE BAR STOOLS, AND RUN THE TAPS. CHECK ON THE LIQUOR. WIPE OFF THE CAPS. FILL UP THE MIXERS. CUT UP A LIME. MAKE SURE MY FRIENDS ARE GONNA HAVE A GOOD TIME. IF YOU WANT A FANCY COCKTAIL THAT GLOWS UP IN NEON BLUE, THEN WE AIN’T FOR YOU. NO. WHERE NEW YORK’S TWENTY-SOMETHING DRUNKS COME TO MEET. IT’S OUR LITTLE BAR, LITTLE BAR, LITTLE BAR, LITTLE BAR ON SULLIVAN STREET. DARREN Hey, babe. WAVERLY Hey, you. DARREN Slow night? WAVERLY Not anymore. You’re here. DARREN Awww.

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DARREN COME IN THE EVENING AT HALF-PAST SIX. PROTECT MY LADY FROM BAR-FLY DICKS. TAKE IN A SINGER WHO SINGS OFF-KEY. WHEN SHE TENDS BAR I TEND TO DRINK HERE FOR FREE. IF YOU WANT SOME FRIENDLY PEOPLE WHO COULD CARE LESS WHERE YOU’VE BEEN, THEN COME ON IN! OH! TO PLAY SOME DARTS YOU PUT YOUR NAME ON THIS SHEET AT OUR LITTLE BAR, WAVERLY LITTLE BAR, WAVERLY AND DARREN LITTLE BAR, LITTLE BAR ON SULLIVAN STREET. LUKE I CAME HERE TO MEET SOME WOMEN. LISA I AM HERE TO SING A SONG. LUKE SO WHERE YOU FROM? LISA OKAY, WHO LET HIM IN? LUKE Hey, watch it, cutie. I COULD DO THIS ALL NIGHT LONG. DARREN ALL NIGHT LONG. WAVERLY ALL NIGHT LONG.

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LISA ALL NIGHT LONG. ENSEMBLE ALL NIGHT LONG! LUKE I’LL TAKE TWO WHISKEYS. LISA THANKS A LOT. WAVERLY THAT’S SEVEN BUCKS. LISA THIS SONG IS NEW. DARREN THIS LIQUOR’S RANCID. WAVERLY NO, IT’S NOT. DARREN THE FOOD HERE SUCKS. WAVERLY OKAY, THAT’S TRUE. LUKE THE WOMEN LOVE ME. LISA POINT OUT ONE. LUKE IT’S TIME WE MET. LISA YOU’RE GOOD AS DONE. WAVERLY THIS IS AS GREAT AS OUR LIVES WILL EVER GET. LUKE

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IF YOU LIVE LIFE IN THE FAST LANE AND YOU WANT A CHANGE OF PACE. THIS HERE’S THE PLACE. ENSEMBLE YEAH! LUKE THE BEER HERE’S BITTER, BUT THE WOMEN ARE SWEET. IN OUR LITTLE BAR, DARREN LITTLE BAR, WAVERLY LITTLE BAR, LISA LITTLE BAR ON SULLIVAN… DARREN THE FINEST VODKA TASTES A LITTLE LIKE DEET. AT OUR LITTLE BAR, WAVERLY LITTLE BAR, LISA LITTLE BAR, LUKE LITTLE BAR ON SULLIVAN… LUKE IT’S GETTIN’ ROWDY. ENSEMBLE WHOO! WAVERLY I’M GETTIN’ THROUGH. LISA YOU!

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DARREN THE WHISKEY’S FLOWIN’! LUKE SHOT! LISA TEQUILA TOO! LUKE WHY NOT? WAVERLY WE’RE LAUGHIN’ LOUDLY. ENSEMBLE YEAH! DARREN WE’RE HAVIN’ FUN! ENSEMBLE HEY! NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ‘BOUT ALL THE SHIT THAT WE’VE DONE. AT OUR LITTLE BAR, LITTLE BAR, LITTLE BAR, LITTLE BAR ON SULLIVAN… LITTLE BAR, LITTLE BAR, LITTLE BAR ON SULLIVAN… LITTLE BAR, LITTLE BAR, LITTLE BAR, LITTLE BAR ON SULLIVAN STREET. (Playout music for the transition. EVERYONE leaves, and WAVERLY gets back behind the bar. It’s now the next Monday.)

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SCENE 2: Sullivan Street Tavern—The next Monday afternoon (DARREN enters and throws his coat on the bar.) WAVERLY What can I get ya, cowboy? DARREN The finest beer on tap. WAVERLY Then you’re in the wrong place. (DARREN leans over the bar and kisses WAVERLY.) DARREN An IPA in the big glass. I have to head back to work in forty-five minutes. WAVERLY You sure you want a big one? DARREN I’m a temp. They’re just happy I’m not stealing office supplies. (WAVERLY pours him a big IPA and squirts herself a coke.) WAVERLY I have some news. (WAVERLY pulls a piece of paper out of her purse and slams it down on the bar.) DARREN You wrote me a letter about it? WAVERLY It’s an offer. DARREN For a show? WAVERLY For my job. Full time. DARREN Here?

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WAERLY At the law firm. DARREN Full-time. Like a real job. (LISA enters with an amp chord around her arm.) LISA Hey, ladies. DARREN You wish. LISA Don’t flatter yourself. WAVERLY Guys, please. LISA He started it. WAVERLY If I had known dating your ex would doom me to this, I would have come out of the closet with you. LISA You hear that, Darren? You just made another girl wish she was a lesbian. DARREN Waverly got a job offer. Full-time at the firm. LISA Congrats! WAVERLY It’s a three-month trial period. (LISA heads to the side of the bar to set up her equipment.) LISA You’re great at that job, they’ll hire you full time.

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WAVERLY That’s what I’m afraid of. LISA Don’t you like it there? WAVERLY A lot. LISA And you’d get benefits, vacation and then you could leave here. WAVERLY I like it here! LISA Our paying customers don’t like it here. WAVERLY You play here all the time. LISA To a room of twenty drunks. DARREN And me! LISA Twenty-one. DARREN You should flip a quarter. WAVERLY I’m not leaving it all up to chance. DARREN You wouldn’t be. Watch. (DARREN pulls a quarter out of his pocket.) DARREN Waverly, if you could choose one thing to eat for the rest of your life—peanuts or pretzels—what would it be?

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WAVERLY I’m not doing this. DARREN Heads, peanuts. Tails, pretzels. (DARREN throws the quarter in the air. HE slaps it on the back of his hand.) DARREN It’s heads, peanuts. WAVERLY Peanuts? Really? DARREN Now we know you prefer pretzels. LISA So it’s not actually about choosing… DARREN …it’s about forcing one of the options upon you. Then you know what you want. WAVERLY That’s absurd. DARREN Ready? Heads, take the job. Tails, turn it down. (DARREN flips the quarter. As it flies through the air WAVERLY snatches it.) WAVERLY We’re not going to decide this through a quarter. LISA I think you should take the job. DARREN I think you’re a wonderful actress who’s destined for more than office work. WAVERLY You do office work, and you seem pretty happy.

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DARREN I write every night. So I’m also a writer. You work every day and bartend every night, so you’re a working stiff and a bartender. WAVERLY I’m an actress. I just haven’t gotten a break yet. DARREN And you can’t get a break, because you’re not auditioning because of this stupid job. WAVERLY I like my jobs, and the freedom they give me. What don’t you understand about that? DARREN It just seems childish. WAVERLY You know what? You’re done. (WAVERLY steals his beer and dumps it in the sink.) DARREN Hey! That was a big one. WAVERLY Now it’s an empty one. Go. (A beat.) DARREN I’m sorry I said something that made you want to pour out a big one. WAVERLY Thank you. DARREN I’ll come by after work. (DARREN throws his coat on and exits.) DARREN Good luck tonight, Lisa. LISA Thanks. I’m singing a song about you.

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DARREN Really? LISA Yeah. It’s called “The ineffectual heterosexual”. DARREN Good night. (DARREN exits.) #3 – It’s A Sign

(LISA) WAVERLY

It’s just a job, right? LISA IT’S A SIGN, IT’S TIME TO MOVE ON. LEAVE THIS OLD DIVE BAR BEHIND. IT’S YOUR CHANCE, DON’T WAIT ‘TIL IT’S GONE. WAKE UP, AND MAKE UP YOUR MIND. YOU’D HAVE A JOB, YOU’D HAVE A MAN. SO IT WASN’T PART OF YOUR MATER PLAN. IT’S A SIGN. AND I’M WAITING FOR MINE WAVERLY You’re living the dream. You perform every weekend. LISA Then what? At least you have Darren to go home to. WAVERLY She’s out there. You’ll find her. LISA THAT WAS ALWAYS MY PLAN. MEET HER HERE IN NEW YORK, THEN SHE’D WHISK ME AWAY. WE’D PACK ALL OUR THINGS, AND MOVE TO LA. MAYBE THE REASON I CAN’T FIND HER ANYWHERE. IS ‘CAUSE SHE’S WAITING FOR ME TO MOVE OUT THERE.

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WAVERLY Lisa, no. THIS WAS THE DREAM WE HAD IN COLLEGE; TALKING, PLANNING, IN A BAR. YOU AND I WOULD BOTH ACKNOWLEDGE, ‘CAUSE WE EACH HAD EACH OTHER, WE BOTH GOT THIS FAR. YOU THINK YOU NEED TO LEAVE TO GROW. BUT, I’M BEGGING YOU, DON’T GO. I WANT IT ALL TO STAY UNDECIDED. I WANT IT ALL TO STAY UNREALIZED. ALL I WANT IS FOR IT ALL TO STAY THIS WAY. YOU. ME. US. STAY. LISA Aren’t you tired of working two jobs? Take this offer and settle down. WAVERLY THIS IS WHAT I THOUGHT STARTING AT THE START MEANT; STRIVING, STRUGGLING, LEARNING LIFE WITH A GUY IN A SMALL APARTMENT, WHERE YOU’RE NOT JUST HIS GIRLFRIEND, BUT NOT YET HIS WIFE. ONE DAY YOU’LL WALK DOWN THE AISLE BUT THAT DAY’S NOT FOR A WHILE. I WANT IT ALL TO STAY TOMORROW. I WANT IT ALL TO STAY PRETEND. ALL I WANT IS FOR IT ALL TO STAY THIS WAY. THIS. HERE. NOW. STAY.

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LISA Waverly, do you want to be a thirty-something with twenty-something problems? What are you afraid of? WAVERLY THERE’LL BE LESSONS LEFT UNLEARNED. THERE’LL BE STONES I LEAVE UNTURNED. LISA THERE ARE NEW DREAMS TO PURSUE. YOUR WHOLE LIFE’S IN FRONT OF YOU. WAVERLY I’M ALREADY CLOSING DOORS. LISA THE CHOICE IS HERE AND NOW AND YOURS. THE ONLY CHOICE THAT YOU’LL REGRET IS MAKING NONE AT ALL. WAVERLY I’M NOT THERE YET. WAVERLY I WANT IT ALL TO STAY BEGINNING I WANT THIS LIFE THAT I AM LIVING TO STAY PART OF SOME IMPOSSIBLE SCHEME. STAY. STAY. STAY. STAY. STAY. STAY WITH ME. AND LET IT ALL STAY A DREAM. (Blackout)

LISA I NEED A SIMPLE SYMBOL OR A SIGN TO OBEY I WANT THIS LIFE THAT I AM LIVING TO SHOW ME THE WAY. IT’S A SIGN. WHERE’S MINE? I WISH I WERE YOU, ‘CAUSE IT’S THE ANSWER TO A DREAM.

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SCENE 3: The Offices of Creative 360 (DARREN and LUKE sit directly behind each other in office chairs. LUKE wears headphones and laughs loudly to himself.) LUKE Hey. DARREN What’s up? LUKE I am about to change your world. Check out this website I’m on. Whatever you type, your computer will say. I just sent you the link. (Suddenly, LUKE’S computer starts talking. You can replicate this at www2.research.att.com/~ttsweb/tts/demo.php) LUKE’S COMPUTER Is your mind blown? DARREN’S COMPUTER This is why Al Gore invented the internet. LUKE’S COMPUTER And this is how we shall speak for the rest of the day. The name’s Luke. I’m in sales. DARREN’S COMPUTER Darren. I’m a temp. (THEY turn and shake hands.) DARREN’S COMPUTER What are you doing tonight? LUKE’S COMPUTER I am going to find me a lady. And then much like Gene Kelly. I will tap that. DARREN’S COMPUTER Much like a brewmaster appeasing the thirsty masses. Tap that. DARREN Not my best. I’m just starting. LUKE’S COMPUTER Much like a raven on a midnight dreary at my chamber door, I will rap tap tap that.

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DARREN Poe. Nice. DARREN’S COMPUTER Much like small portions of Spanish food. Tapas that. DARREN Tapas that. It’s…Catalonian…never mind. LUKE’S COMPUTER Much like the government intervention program created to derail the financial crisis in October of two thousand and eight. TARP that. DARREN’S COMPUTER And with that, I tap out. LUKE’S COMPUTER You want to come? DARREN’S COMPUTER I’m meeting up with my girlfriend. She’s having a quarter-life crisis. LUKE’S COMPUTER She wants to get engaged. DARREN’S COMPUTER No, she doesn’t. LUKE’S COMPUTER Trust me, she does. No matter what they say, all women that age want to get engaged. DARREN’S COMPUTER She won’t be getting engaged tonight. I’m just going to see how she’s doing and then I’m heading home to work on my play. LUKE’S COMPUTER You’re a writer? My dad’s an agent. DARREN What? LUKE’S COMPUTER You’re a writer? My dad’s an agent.

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DARREN What kind of an agent? LUKE’S COMPUTER We agreed to only talk through the computer for the rest of the day. (DARREN quickly returns to typing.) DARREN’S COMPUTER What kind of an agent? LUKE’S COMPUTER Mostly theatre stuff. Want to meet him? DARREN Yes. Of course, I do. Yes. (LUKE shoots DARREN a look.) DARREN’S COMPUTER Yes, of course I do. Yes. LUKE’S COMPUTER Give me something for him to read. DARREN I… DARREN’S COMPUTER I will. Thanks. LUKE’S COMPUTER So now will you come out and grab a drink with me? DARREN’S COMPUTER I still have to go see my girlfriend. LUKE’S COMPUTER Lame. DARREN’S COMPUTER And then—skippity skappity, rippity rappity, bippity boppity, tippity tap tap tap that. (LUKE shoots DARREN a look in anger. He knows he’s been bested. He bows to the master and doffs his imaginary hat. DARREN returns the gesture.)

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SCENE 4: The Sullivan Street Tavern (WAVERLY stands behind the bar flipping a quarter on her thumb—but never lets it land. LUKE enters.) LUKE Hey, how’s my girl? WAVERLY Still not your girl. LUKE I’ll have a vodka soda. (WAVERLY makes a vodka soda. LUKE sits and pulls out a cigarette.) WAVERLY Luke, no smoking in here. LUKE Just one. WAVERLY I’ll get fined. LUKE C’mon, let me smoke it. WAVERLY No. LUKE Let me puff it. WAVERLY No. LUKE Let me pull it. WAVERLY How about you suck it? LUKE When are you going to give me a chance, Waverly?

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WAVERLY I have a boyfriend, Luke. LUKE Where is he? WAVERLY He was supposed to be here an hour ago. LUKE I work in sales and that sounds like an opening. WAVERLY It’s not. LUKE Just let me make the pitch. #4 - Morning After Omelet

(LUKE)

WAVERLY Isn’t there a saying in business, “If you can’t seal the deal, don’t bother pitching.”? LUKE Yes, there is. And yet, here we go. EVERY TIME A WOMAN STAYS THE NIGHT, SHE’S HAPPY, AND I DON’T WONDER WHY. I TREAT HER WELL, BUT I DON’T KISS AND TELL HELL, I’M JUST THAT KIND OF GUY. SHE SLEEPS IN. BUT I GET UP TO START THE DAY AND MAKE HER BREAKFAST IN BED. SHE SMILES AS SHE WAKES UP AND IS FED MY MORNING AFTER OMELET. WAVERLY You sound like quite the gentleman. (WAVERLY pours herself a beer.) LUKE MMMMM. I TAKE MY TIME. NO NEED TO RUSH OR RUIN IT WITH HASTE. WITH THE TENDER TWIST

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OF MY WELL SEASONED WRIST I TAILOR BREAKFAST TO HER TASTE. I MIX THE EGGS WITH A TOUCH OF MILK, SOME HAND SELECTED HERBS AND A SUBTLE SPLASH OF CREAM AND WITH EVERY ONE I’M CLOSER TO MY DREAM, THE PERFECT MORNING AFTER OMELET. FOR PAM I ADDED HAM. FOR LOUISE I ADDED CHEESE. ANIKA, PAPRIKA. SHE BARELY USED A FORK. FOR ELLA, BABY BELLA. AND FOR PEPPER, WELL, PEPPER. AND YOU CAN BET I USED POTATOES FOR MISS MALLORY O’ROURKE. NOW I’VE GOT IT TO A SCIENCE, BUT I WONDER ABOUT ALL THE EGGS AND SEX, THOUGH IT’S BEEN A THRILL WOULD IT BE BETTER STILL IF IT WERE SLIGHTLY LESS COMPLEX? IN TRYING TO FIND THE ONE, I’VE LET SO MANY WOMEN WALK OUT THE DOOR. NOW I HAVE THE PERFECT MORNING AFTER OMELET, BUT NO ONE TO MAKE THAT PERFECT OMELET FOR. MY MORNING AFTER OMELET. MMMMMM, OMELET. WAVERLY Not tonight. LUKE You’re telling me that didn’t sound wonderful? WAVERLY Oddly, it did. But I gotta go. LUKE I’ll be here when you change your mind. (LISA enters.) LISA You are relieved m’lady.

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(WAVERLY tosses her a bar towel.) WAVERLY Thanks. I’m opening tomorrow, so don’t leave a mess. LISA Never. LUKE What about you? Wanna hear my pitch? LISA It’d have to be a damn good picth. LUKE It is. LISA And you’d have to be a lesbian. LUKE I’m not. But for you I’d do some things. WAVERLY Good night, you two. LISA Good night. (WAVERLY walks out into the night and wanders home through the streets of New York.)

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SCENE 5: Darren and Waverly’s Apartment (DARREN sits at the dinner table, writing. WAVERLY enters with a pizza box.) WAVERLY I’m home. DARREN (without looking up) Hey. WAVERLY I got dinner. (SHE drops it on the table in front of him.) DARREN Thanks. (WAVERLY exits into the bedroom to change shirts. DARREN absentmindedly takes a piece of pizza out of the box and begins eating it. WAVERLY reenters and stands behind Darren with her arms folded. HE doesn’t notice her.) WAVERLY Hey. DARREN Hey. WAVERLY Do you want to ask me how the rest of my day went? DARREN How the rest of my day went? WAVERLY Terribly. DARREN That’s good. WAVERLY No, it’s not good.

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DARREN No. It’s not good. WAVERLY Can you listen to me for one second? DARREN Give me two minutes. WAVERLY No. Now. (DARREN snaps out of it. HE turns towards her.) WAVERLY You said you were coming by after work. DARREN This writing thing came up. Turns out a co-worker’s father’s an agent. So I rushed home to finish that play I’ve been working on. Exciting, huh? WAVERLY You could’ve called. DARREN I’m sorry, I got distracted. Let’s go out tomorrow. WAVERLY I don’t want to go out tomorrow. DARREN What’s wrong? WAVERLY I’ll tell you what’s wrong. I’m taking a full-time job, my best friend’s leaving and you don’t even look at me when I come in the door. We’re turning into my parents and we’re not even thirty—that’s what’s wrong. DARREN I was in the middle of writing something. WAVERLY You’re always in the middle of writing something. Do you ever focus on anything else?

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DARREN My job. And the other one hundred things I have to do before I can sit down and pursue what I want. WAVERLY Which isn’t me. DARREN Of course it is. WAVERLY After everything else. DARREN Along with everything else. WAVERLY I don’t want to be the thing you want along with everything else—like all of your life is a series of side dishes. I want to be your main course. I want to be your omelet. DARREN What are you talking about? WAVERLY I moved here to be an actress. And next thing you know, I’m stuck with this job I was never meant to take, living this life I was never supposed to live and I can’t move back home to my friends and family because of you! DARREN You don’t have to take that job. WAVERLY Maybe I want to! But I know that it would mean closing the doors on a few things. Which is scary. And the fact that you don’t understand that is even scarier. (WAVERLY starts to leave.) DARREN Waverly, stop. WAVERLY What. DARREN I know what this is about.

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WAVERLY You do. DARREN You’re confused because you’re twenty-eight and your life’s uncertain. So let’s get rid of some of the uncertainty. Waverly… (getting on one knee) …will you marry me? WAVERLY I…Darren…are you completely insane? DARREN No? WAVERLY I’m afraid we’re turning into my parents and your solution is to get engaged? I don’t want to get engaged right now. DARREN That’s not what I was told. WAVERLY We’re not ready! DARREN We’re more grown up than you think. WAVERLY I’m not. DARREN I am. WAVERLY No you’re not. I’m tired of everyone thinking we’re done with this part of our lives. In fact, I think I need a break. DARREN Then go to bed and we’ll talk in the morning. WAVERLY No, a break. From this. I’m sorry. I’ll stay at Lisa’s tonight. DARREN What more do you need from me?

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#5 - As Good As I Get

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(DARREN)

WAVERLY I need you to understand that I’m not ready to move on. We have a long way to go and you’ve stopped trying. (WAVERLY goes to leave.) DARREN YOU SAY TO TRY. YOU SAY TO WORK. YOU SAY YOU’RE SURE I COULD BE MORE THAN THIS ADOLESCENT JERK. AND I SAY, “LOOK, I’VE BEEN TRYING EVER SINCE THE DAY WE MET. BUT, THIS ADOLESCENT JERK MIGHT BE AS GOOD AS I GET.” WAVERLY I don’t buy it, Darren. You’re the one who wants to get married and you’re giving up before we’ve even started. DARREN I’VE LET YOU DOWN. IT’S WHAT I DO. I MUST ADMIT I’VE PULLED SOME SHIT THAT I REGRET A TIME OR TWO. BUT I MAY NOT GET MUCH BETTER, AND SINCE I’M NOT THERE YET, A MAN WHO LETS YOU DOWN MIGHT BE AS GOOD AS I GET. I’M NOT SAYING I’M NOT TRYING. I’M NOT SAYING I WON’T TRY. BUT IF YOU WANT EXTRAORDINARY I’M GONNA COME UP SHY. I WISH I COULD BE BETTER BUT I’M JUST AN ORDINARY GUY, WHO LOVES YOU A LOT. AND MAYBE THAT’S ALL I GOT. IT’S NOT IDEAL. AT LEAST IT’S TRUE.

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PERHAPS YOUR MAN DOES WHAT HE CAN AND COMES UP SHORT BUT STILL LOVES YOU. YOU SAY TO LEAVE. I’M GOOD AS GONE. I’D RATHER BE UP FRONT NOW THAN LET YOU DOWN LATER ON. AND YOU MIGHT HAVE TO TAKE A GAMBLE ‘CAUSE I’M NOT A SURE BET. AND THERE’S AN EXTRAORDINARY CHANCE THAT THIS ORDINARY MAN WHO LOVES YOU MIGHT BE AS GOOD AS I GET. WAVERLY I’m sorry. DARREN IT’S AS GOOD AS I GET. (WAVERLY walks out the door and again finds herself on the streets of New York.) #5A - Stay Reprise WAVERLY I WANT IT ALL TO STAY IMAGINED. I WANT IT ALL TO STAY NOT YET. ALL I WANT IS FOR IT ALL TO STAY THIS WAY. YOUNG. FREE. ME. STAY. (Blackout)

(WAVERLY)

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SCENE 6: The Offices of Creative 360 into Sullivan Street Tavern (Six weeks later. DARREN and LUKE sit back to back again.) LUKE Temp! Just got an email from my dad. He really likes the script, a lot. DARREN (Reluctantly) That’s great. Really great news. LUKE He’s heading out of town for a few weeks, but he wants to meet you when he gets back. DARREN (Distractedly) Definitely. Any time. Just let me know. LUKE Temp, how long ago did your girl leave you? DARREN She didn’t leave me. We mutually decided to pursue different opportunities. LUKE After you proposed to her and she said no. How long? DARREN Six weeks. LUKE Six weeks? Then you should already be over her for like…six weeks. DARREN We were together for four years, Luke. LUKE I have a plan. DARREN What’s that? LUKE’S COMPUTER You and I will go to my favorite bar. And much like a nail, get hammered.

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DARYN’S COMPUTER Much like a bust of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. Get plastered. LUKE’S COMPUTER Much like literary references on my college girlfriend. Get wasted. DARYN’S COMPUTER Much like the offensive line of the Detroit Lions, get embarrassingly blitzed. LUKE’S COMPUTER We’re gonna blackout so hard, we’ll erase other people’s memories. #6 - We’re Gonna Go Out

(ENSEMBLE)

LUKE WE’RE GONNA GO OUT. WE’RE GONNA GET DOWN, AND BUY WHATEVER DRUGS THEY SELL US. WE’RE GONNA PAINT THE TOWN SO RED THAT EVEN CLIFFORD WOULD BE JEALOUS. IT’S A PARTY. IT’S A BENDER. CALL IT WHAT YOU WANT TO CALL IT. GRAB MY KEYS AND GRAB MY WALLET. WE’RE GONNA GO OUT. (On the other side of the stage we see WAVERLY and LISA getting ready to go out.) WAVERLY I’M GONNA GO OUT. CALL UP MY GIRL, AND WE’LL BLOW THROUGH LAST WEEK’S WAGES. LISA WE’RE GONNA TEAR RIGHT THROUGH THIS CITY LIKE COUGARS SPRUNG FROM CAGES. WAVERLY YOUNGIN’S NEED NOT APPLY. ‘CAUSE WE DON’T NEED NO BEGINNER. WE’LL JUST CHEW YOU UP FOR DINNER. LISA AND WAVERLY WE’RE GONNA GO OUT.

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ENSEMBLE HEY, DIVE BAR. HERE WE ARE. THE CALL OF YOUR SONG IS MUCH TOO STRONG. THAT PUNGENT AND RARE PUTRID TASTE IN THE AIR REMINDS US WHERE WE BELONG. (We find LUKE and DARREN as they walk in the bar.) DARREN Woah, woah, woah. We can’t go here. My ex is always here. LUKE All the better. She should see you getting some action. DARREN I have to go. I say really stupid shit when I’m nervous. LUKE Relax. You say really stupid shit when you’re not nervous too. DARREN I’m outta here. LUKE Look around the bar. Is she here tonight? DARREN No. LUKE Just chill out and look at the ladies with me. DARREN If I see her, I’m running for it. LUKE Great. So, who you like? DARREN What? LUKE Who you like? The women. Who you like?

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DARREN I don’t know, she’s cute. LUKE Don’t point at them. You’re not picking out a lobster. DARREN I’m also not picking out a girlfriend. LUKE Correct. You’re here to get a girl, so that you can get a girlfriend. DARREN You’re an idiot. What does that even mean? LUKE Call me an idiot and you’ll never find out. DARREN I think I’m just fine without you. LUKE You’re a disaster. DARREN I could pick up any girl here. LUKE Which one? DARREN Any one. LUKE Which. One? #7 - The Way to Get A Girl DARREN SEE THAT GIRL? OVER THERE? IN THE RED WITH THE BLEACH BLONDE HAIR? TOP IS ROUND. MIDDLE’S THIN.

(DARREN and LUKE)

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RIDICULOUS LEGS THAT GO UP TO HER CHIN. LUKE Yeah? DARREN SHE WANTS ME. LUKE What? DARREN SHE NEEDS ME. LUKE Her? DARREN SHE’S JUST REALLY SHY. SHE JUST GAVE ME A WINK. LUKE HER CONTACT FELL FROM HER EYE. DARREN SHE’S GOT A SENSATION ONLY I CAN ITCH. SHE’S ACHING FOR LOVE MAKIN’ FROM ME. LUKE Prove it…bitch. DARREN EXCUSE ME. HI. CAN I BUTT IN? I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW, THAT YOU HAVE…LEGS TO YOUR CHIN. NO? OK. THE FAULT’S ALL MINE. SORRY. YEP. RIGHT THEN. FINE. LUKE How’d it go? DARREN We mutually decided to pursue different opportunities. LUKE You’re the idiot. There’s only one thing women want. It’s like lady catnip. Watch.

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EXCUSE ME. I’M SORRY, BUT YOU DROPPED YOUR GLOVE. HITTING ON YOU? NO, I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND, WHOM I LOVE. Your number? In case it doesn’t work out? Thank you, you’re very sweet. THE WAY TO GET A GIRL IS TO GET A GIRL. WHEN YOU’RE TAKEN THEY ALL FLOCK BY THE SCORE. BUT THEN TAKE IT FROM ME THE SECOND THAT YOU’RE FREE THE GIRLS YOU THOUGHT WOULD WANT YOU DON’T WANT YOU ANY MORE. IT’S A GUARANTEED GET, GRAB A GIRL AND YOU’RE SET. THEY KNOW. THEY KNOW. THEY KNOW. DARREN But, you don’t have a girlfriend. LUKE I have lots of girlfriends. DARREN If you have more than one, they’re not your girlfriend. LUKE Why? ‘Cause I haven’t pinned them? Listen, Pat Boone, things have changed since the Eisenhower administration! DARREN I’m not Pat Boone. Watch this. HEY. OKAY. I’M SORRY. VERY. GOT IT. THAT HAND GESTURE’S UNNECESSARY. HI. RIGHT. OKAY. YOU BET. I UNDERSTOOD YOU LOUD AND CLEAR BEFORE THE DEATH THREAT. BACK TO THE BAR ‘CAUSE I LIKE BEING ALIVE. LUKE WHILE YOU WERE GONE I GOT FOUR NUMBERS…OH, FIVE.

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I KNOW IT SEEMS SHALLOW. I KNOW IT SEEMS SLEAZY. BUT I SWEAR I WOULDN’T DO IT IF IT WEREN’T SO EASY. DARREN AND LUKE THE WAY TO GET A GIRL IS TO GET A GIRL. LUKE IF YOU’RE SPOKEN FOR THEY’LL LINE ‘ROUND THE BLOCK. OH YES, SOMEHOW THEY KNOW WHEN YOU’RE SOMEBODY’S BEAU. THAT’S WHEN THEY’LL GO TO YOU, SURE AS TICK GOES WITH TOCK. ALTHOUGH IT SOUNDS CRUEL, IT’S A PROVABLE RULE. I KNOW. I KNOW. I KNOW. DARREN AND LUKE THE WAY TO GET A GIRL IS TO GET A GIRL. DARREN WHEN YOU’RE CALLED FOR THAT’S WHEN THEY START TO CALL. LUKE AND YOU’VE GOT TO APPLAUD THIS SICK TRICK PLAYED BY GOD I’D SAY THAT IT’S PROOF THAT GOD’S A WOMAN AFTER ALL. IT’S A FULL ON ASSAULT DARREN AND YET SOMEHOW OUR FAULT. DARREN AND LUKE WE KNOW. WE KNOW. WE KNOW. THE WAY TO GET A GIRL… THE WAY TO GET A GIRL… THE WAY TO GET A GIRL IS TO GET A GIRL. WE KNOW! WE KNOW! WOAH, WOAH, WOAH.

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(LUKE and DARREN head deep into the bar to try out this theory. Meanwhile, LISA and WAVERLY sit at a table in the bar with a nearly empty pitcher and a basket of popcorn between them. WAVERLY tosses popcorn into LISA’S mouth.) LISA Ready. Aim. Fire. (WAVERLY throws the popcorn but LISA misses.) WAVERLY That was a perfect shot! LISA A lemon drop is a perfect shot. That was a disaster. So how are you doing? WAVERLY I’m half way through the three-month evaluation period. LISA And? WAVERLY And I can’t believe how much I really like this job. LISA Life’s funny. So you don’t miss auditioning? WAVERLY To be honest, I haven’t auditioned in six months. LISA Then why were you afraid to give up something you weren’t even doing? WAVERLY Because I’m a good actress. LISA So are you gonna take it full-time? WAVERLY I wouldn’t go that far—liking it, and trading in my dreams for it, are two different things. LISA And how are you doing with the Darren situation?

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WAVERLY I’m okay. LISA You sure? WAVERLY It was the right thing to do, but when I have a good day at this new job, he’s the first one I wanna tell, you know? Ready. Aim. Fire. (Another shot. Another miss.) WAVERLY And how about you? You see your sign yet? LISA This morning. WAVERLY Lisa, you can’t move to L.A. It’s home to earthquakes. And mudslides. And Entertainment Tonight. LISA I love Entertainment Tonight. WAVERLY I know, me too. So tell me about this dream girl. #8 - Manhattan Bridge

(LISA) LISA

It’s not a dream girl. WAVERLY Then it’s not your sign. LISA Like I said, life’s funny. I CAN STILL REMEMBER THAT COOL DAY IN SEPTEMBER MY FIRST TRIP ON THE SUBWAY ACROSS THE MANHATTAN BRIDGE. I LOOKED OUTSIDE, I COULD NOT BELIEVE MY EYES. THEN I LOOKED AROUND, AND MUCH TO MY SURPRISE,

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NO ONE ELSE WAS LOOKING AT THE BRIDGE, THE STATUE, THE SKY. NO ONE ELSE WAS LOOKING, AND I COULD NOT IMAGINE WHY. WAVERLY It happens, Lisa. You get used to things like that here. LISA I SAT AND STARED UNBLINKING THEN GOT AROUND TO THINKING THAT THESE PEOPLE JUST DON’T RECOGNIZE THE VIEW THEY MISS EACH DAY. SO I TOOK IT IN THEN I TOOK IT IN AGAIN. IT MADE ME SMILE. I MADE A PROMISE THEN. THAT THE DAY THAT I STOPPED LOOKING AT THE WAY IT ALL SEEMS TO GLOW, THE DAY THAT I STOPPED LOOKING, WAS THE DAY THAT I SHOULD GO. SO EVERY DAY FROM THAT DAY ON I TOOK THE TIME TO STOP AND LOOK. I’D WAKE MYSELF UP FROM A NAP. OR TAKE A SHORT BREAK FROM MY BOOK. BUT TODAY ON THE SUBWAY, AFTER FIGHTING FOR MY SEAT. I STARTED READING AT DEKALB. AND DIDN’T LOOK UP ‘TIL CANAL STREET. I BLINKED TO CLEAR MY VISION, THOUGHT BACK ON MY DECISION TO UP AND LEAVE THE CITY THE DAY I MISSED THE VIEW. IT’S HARDER NOW THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN. DID THE CITY BREAK ME DOWN OR SIMPLY BREAK ME IN? TODAY’S WHEN I STOPPED LOOKING AT THIS PLACE LIKE IT WAS

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ALL NEW. TODAY’S THE DAY THAT I STOPPED LOOKING. SO NOW WHAT DO I DO? DO I STAY OR DO I LEAVE AND CHANGE UP THE VIEW? WAVERLY You stay. She hasn’t arrived, so you stay. LISA Maybe I don’t need someone to whisk me away. Maybe, if I want to go to California to pursue my music, I can just go. WAVERLY So why haven’t you? LISA Because I’d really enjoy a good whisking. WAVERLY I need more beer. You want another pitcher? LISA Please. (WAVERLY gets up and heads to the bar, where she awkwardly runs into DARREN.) #9 - How About You?

(DARREN and WAVERLY) DARREN

Hey. WAVERLY What are you doing here? DARREN Beer. Amaretto sour? WAVERLY No, thank you. DARREN Okay.

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WAVERLY So, how’ve you been? DARREN Fine. I mean, I’M STILL LOOKING FOR JOBS, NOT JUST ANY. OR ELSE I’D GET ONE RIGHT AWAY. AND NOT ONLY ONE, I’D GET MANY. I’D BE HOLDING EMPLOYERS AT BAY. BUT I NEED A GOOD JOB WHERE THEY THINK IT’S OKAY, THAT I MIGHT TAKE SOME TIME OFF TO WORK ON MY PLAY. AND THAT PITCH TO A JOB, CAN BE A REALLY HARD SELL. MY PLAY TAKES UP MY TIME, WHICH YOU KNOW VERY WELL. IT CAN BE HARD TO MAKE PRIORITIES FIT. IF YOU RECALL THAT WAS THE REASON WE SPLIT. OR WHY YOU LEFT ME REALLY. LET’S NOT GET ALL TOUCHY-FEELY. LOOK WHERE THIS CONVERSATION VEERED. LET’S NOT DISCUSS OUR OLD RELATIONSHIP ‘CAUSE THAT MIGHT GET WEIRD. ANYWAY, ANYWAY, ANYWAY. HOW ABOUT YOU? WAVERLY Good. Glad to hear it’s going well for you. DARREN You seeing anyone? WAVERLY It’s only been a few weeks. DARREN ‘CAUSE I’M SEEING SOMEONE. WELL, NOT SEEING. JUST SLEEPING WITH HER A LOT. AND TO BE HONEST I FIND IT QUITE FREEING. I GET THE MILK AND THE COW IS NOT BOUGHT. AND SHE CAN’T GET ENOUGH,

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SHE JUST CLIMBS RIGHT ON TOP. AND FROM MORNING TO NIGHT WE’RE JUST FUCKING NON-STOP. AND I COULD USE A BREAK, ‘CAUSE ALL THAT SEX IS ENOUGH, I WANT TO TALK ABOUT FEELINGS, ‘CAUSE I’M INTO THAT STUFF. BUT SHE’D RATHER GET ME NAKED INSTEAD. AND JUST REMIND ME, I’M AMAZING IN BED. AND THAT I MAKE HER DELIRIOUS. JUST SO YOU KNOW, WE’RE NOT SERIOUS. WE HAVEN’T SAID OUR, “I DO”S. WE CAN STILL SEE OTHER PEOPLE LIKE AN EX IF WE CHOOSE. ANYWAY, ANYWAY, ANYWAY. HOW ABOUT YOU? WAVERLY I’M STILL WORKING. HAVEN’T QUIT. I’M STILL SINGLE. AND THAT’S IT. DARREN SO, IT’S AWESOME WE HAD THIS BRIEF MEETING. REMINDS ME OF THE FUN THAT WE HAD. AND ALTHOUGH IT HAS BEEN A BIT FLEETING. BEING WITH YOU’S NEVER BAD. I’M GONNA GO TO THE BATHROOM RIGHT THERE DOWN THE HALL. IF YOU REMEMBER WE HAD OUR FIRST KISS IN THAT STALL. AND A STALL’S A WEIRD PLACE TO BE KISSED. BUT SOMETHING CLICKED AND WE COULDN’T RESIST. SO I’LL BE IN THE ONE TOWARDS THE BACK. AND I’LL LEAVE THE DOOR OPEN A CRACK. NOT TO BE WEIRD, BUT JUST STATING, THAT THAT IS WHERE I WILL BE WAITING. SO YOU DO WHAT YOU GOTTA DO. IF NOT TONIGHT, THEN NOT TONIGHT, BUT I’LL BE WAITNG…

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ANYWAY, ANYWAY, ANYWAY. HOW ABOUT YOU? (DARREN exits to the men’s room.) (LUKE approaches WAVERLY.) LUKE So, did that guy make you a better offer than I did? WAVERLY Hardly. LUKE You still have that boyfriend? WAVERLY Not anymore. LUKE Can I buy you a drink? WAVERLY Let me ask you a question. If you could choose one thing to eat for the rest of your life— peanuts or pretzels—which would it be? LUKE Why do I have to choose only one? WAVERLY Right answer. Let’s go. (WAVERLY begins to drag LUKE out of the bar. As THEY head out she swings by LISA.) WAVERLY I’m gonna go home with this guy. LISA Right on. WAVERLY If you see Darren, make sure he knows that. LISA I don’t know…

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(WAVERLY and LUKE are gone.) …I’ll do what I can. (DARREN returns from the bathroom.) DARREN Waverly, that stall was busy, so I’ll be in the… (DARREN runs into LISA as she heads to the bar to serve herself drinks.) DARREN Oh, hey. How are you doin’? LISA Good. DARREN Did you see where Waverly went? LISA Waverly? DARREN Waverly. LISA Waverly… DARREN Blonde girl. About yay high. Currently experiencing an existential crisis. LISA Darren…she left. DARREN Alone? LISA I don’t think so. DARREN Right. LISA You want a drink?

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DARREN What’s the strongest thing you got? LISA I’ve got something that will put some hair on your chest. Finally. (LISA pours DARREN a whiskey.) DARREN How’s she doing? LISA She’s okay. DARREN So this guy, is he a, you know…should I call her? LISA I’d let her figure this out. If she comes back, you know it’s for real. And if she doesn’t, then it’s probably a sign. DARREN What if there are no signs? What if we don’t go after what we want and hold on to what we love, then we end up despondent, defeated and alone? LISA Then, I’m fucked. DARREN Okay, here’s the drinking game. Every time you regret something, you take a shot. LISA How’s whiskey? (LISA pours two shots of whiskey.) DARREN I’ll start. Not reading Catcher In the Rye in high school. (DARREN slams his shot of whiskey.) LISA Quitting piano lessons. (LISA slams her shot and pours two more.)

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DARREN Second semester, sophomore year of college. LISA What about it? DARREN The parts I don’t remember. (DARREN slams his shot.) LISA Waiting until I was twenty-four to come out of the closet. (LISA slams her shot and pours two more.) DARREN Not telling Waverly I loved her more often. (DARREN slams his shot.) LISA Oh, shit just got real. So life’s just a bunch of regrets, huh? DARREN At least having regrets means you chose something. LISA Gives you something to drink over. (LISA fills up Darren’s glass.) DARREN Lisa, do you ever wonder what would have happened if we stayed together? LISA A lot. DARREN Me too. LISA It’s my recurring nightmare.

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DARREN It wouldn’t have been that bad. LISA I’m a lesbian! DARREN I’m understanding! LISA All right, I have one more. DARREN Shoot. LISA Playing this game with you. DARREN It’s gonna be a long night. LISA That it is, my friend. That it is. (They cheers and shoot.) (Blackout.)

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SCENE 7: Outside Waverly’s Apartment (LUKE and WAVERLY come up the stairs laughing and enjoying each other. Both are out of breath.) LUKE Hold on, I need a break. If I had known you lived on the fifth floor, I would’ve gone home with someone else. (LUKE pulls out a cigarette and puts it in his mouth.) WAVERLY Let’s go inside. LUKE It’s only eleven o’clock. Don’t you want to stay out a little longer? WAVERLY Have you not done this before? LUKE Not this quickly. WAVERLY When I know what I want, I go for it. (Just as LUKE is lighting the cigarette, she pulls it out of his hands and crushes it.) WAVERLY So, do you want to stand out here and talk about our feelings? Or do you want to head inside? LUKE I want to head inside, but you’re sorta weirding me out. Usually, I’m trying to get the girl to go home with me, and she wants to find out who I am and how I tick. WAVERLY Now you can skip that. #10 - Don’t Say Another Word LUKE Don’t you want to know anything about me?

(WAVERLY)

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WAVERLY Nothing. LUKE Not one little thing? WAVERLY I’m upset I even know your name. Let’s go. LUKE You’re a very confusing woman. And I feel like I have a pretty good grasp on women, but this is unlike anything… WAVERLY YOU’VE GOT THAT QUIRKY SMILE. YOU’VE GOT THAT CHARMING STARE. YOU’VE GOT THAT WAY YOU TALK SAYS YOU COULD BE FROM ANYWHERE. NO, I DON’T KNOW EXACTLY WHERE YOU’VE BEEN. I DON’T KNOW ANY DETAILS, SO I’M FILLING THEM ALL IN. DON’T SAY ANOTHER WORD. DON’T RUIN THE SURPRISE. I DON’T WANT TO KNOW THE SECRETS THAT ARE LYING IN YOUR EYES. I DON’T NEED TO SEE THE ANSWERS. I PREFER MY VISION BLURRED. DON’T MOVE. DON’T SPEAK. DON’T BREATHE. DON’T SAY ANOTHER WORD. LUKE There’s gotta be one thing you want to know about me. I ran the 600-meter dash in high school. County Champ. Beat Brad Anderson. WAVERLY YOU THINK I’M INSINCERE. I HAVE A GUARDED HEART. YOU THINK THE THINGS YOU WANT BUT JUST DON’T RUSH THE GREATEST PART. AND, I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL. BUT SOMETIMES WHAT YOU IMAGINE

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CAN BE BETTER THAN WHAT’S REAL. DON’T SAY ANOTHER WORD. JUST LET ME TAKE YOU IN. WE’LL HAVE TO FINISH SOMETIME, WE GET ONE CHANCE TO BEGIN. FIND BEAUTY IN THE SILENCE AND ALTHOUGH IT SOUNDS ABSURD, DON’T MOVE. DON’T SPEAK. DON’T BREATHE. DON’T SAY ANOTHER WORD. RIGHT NOW. RIGHT HERE. THERE’S JUST THIS MOMENT BETWEEN YOU AND ME. NO PAST. NO FEAR. THIS CAN BE WHAT WE WANT IT TO BE. DON’T SAY ANOTHER WORD. DON’T WHISPER IN MY EAR. DON’T TRY TO MAKE UP SOMETHING THAT YOU THINK I WANNA HEAR. ‘CAUSE I’VE HEARD IT ALL BEFORE AND I WAS HURT BY WHAT I HEARD. DON’T MOVE. DON’T SPEAK. DON’T BREATHE. DON’T SAY ANOTHER WORD. DON’T WHISPER IN MY EAR. DON’T TRY TO MAKE UP SOMETHING THAT YOU THINK I WANNA HEAR. ‘CAUSE I’VE HEARD IT ALL BEFORE AND I WAS HURT BY WHAT I HEARD. DON’T MOVE. DON’T SPEAK. DON’T BREATHE. DON’T SAY ANOTHER WORD. DON’T SAY ANOTHER WORD. DON’T SAY ANOTHER WORD.

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DON’T SAY ANOTHER WORD. DON’T SAY ANOTHER WORD. (WAVERLY and LUKE kiss. SHE takes his hand and pulls him inside.) (Blackout)

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SCENE 8: Various Locations Around New York City #11 - We’re Gonna Go Out Reprise

(DARREN) DARREN

I’M GONNA PASS OUT. I’M GONNA TURN IN AND CHALK THE WHOLE THING UP TO FODDER. I WOULD KILL MY OWN SWEET MOTHER FOR A FUCKING GLASS OF WATER. CALL IT BAD. CALL IT DUMB. CALL IT WORTHY OF REGRET. YOU CAN’T REGRET WHAT YOU FORGET. I’M GONNA PASS OUT. #12 - Hungover

(ENSEMBLE) DARREN

I WAKE UP, RUB THE SLEEP FROM MY EYES. LOOK AROUND, AND THEN I REALIZE THAT I DON’T KNOW WHERE I AM, OR EVEN HOW I GOT HERE. LISA I WAKE UP AND MY LIVER’S FEELING SORE. MY SHIRT’S ON, BUT MY PANTS ARE ON THE FLOOR. AND MY SOCKS ARE ON THE BED, BUT I STILL HAVE MY SHOES ON. DARREN MY HEAD THROBS. MY STOMACH TURNS. LISA MY LEGS ACHE. AND MY LEFT EYE BURNS. DARREN THERE’S NO WAY I DID THIS DAMAGE IN JUST ONE NIGHT.

e

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LISA IT’S NOT FROM DRINKING TEN BEERS, BUT DRINKING STRAIGHT FOR TEN YEARS. DARREN AND LISA I’M HUNGOVER. HUNGOVER. I’M HUNGOVER. HUNGOVER FROM MY 20’S. WAVERLY I WAKE UP. THERE’S A FIRE IN MY HEAD. RISE AND SHINE. OH MY GOD, HE’S IN MY BED. I WOULD SNEAK OUT IF I COULD, BUT I’M IN MY OWN APARTMENT. LUKE I WAKE UP, AND THE ROOM’S IN A SPIN. BETTER STILL. I DON’T KNOW THE ROOM I’M IN, I’VE NOT SEEN THIS ONE BEFORE. HEY, IT’S A PRETTY NICE APARTMENT. SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I BOOK? WAVERY SHOULD WE KISS? LUKE SHOULD I COOK? THIS FEELING’S TOO FAMILIAR. SOMEHOW, I’M HERE AGAIN. WAVERLY I FEEL BORED. I FEEL COLD. THIS GAME IS GETTING REAL OLD. LUKE AND WAVERLY I’M HUNGOVER. HUNGOVER. I’M HUNGOVER. HUNGOVER FROM MY 20’S.

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DARREN I’M FEELING KINDA FAINT. AND MY HEADACHE KINDA GROWS. AND I’M GETTING KINDA SICK AND THAT’S THE WARNING. AND I WONDER WHICH IS WORSE, THAT IT’S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW, OR THAT IT’S A TYPICAL SUNDAY MORNING? A YEAR AGO I’D DO THIS AND FEEL FINE. NOW MY BODY’S SLOW. IS THIS A SIGN? LISA IT’S A SIGN. LUKE IT’S A SIGN. WAVERLY IT’S A SIGN. DARREN IT’S A MISERABLE NAUSEATING SIGN. ALL I’M HUNGOVER. HUNGOVER. I’M HUNGOVER. HUNGOVER FROM MY 20’S. HUNGOVER. HUNGOVER. I’M HUNGOVER. HUNGOVER FROM MY 20’S. (Blackout)

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SCENE 9: The Sullivan Street Tavern LISA You are so terrible at this. WAVERLY I am not. LISA We could do this with darts and I wouldn’t be concerned. So how are things with Mr. No Strings Attached? WAVERLY Really great. Except every night he wants to stay up and tell me about himself. LISA Every night? How much time are you spending with him? WAVERLY Every night! And it’s good—he’s nothing like Darren. Doesn’t want to settle down, and we just have fun. LISA Then the night comes. WAVERLY And he tells me every detail of his life since birth. LISA He’s an emotional werewolf. WAVERLY He’s an emotional werewolf. (LUKE enters.) LISA I’m going to grab something to eat. You guys want anything? Pizza? Falafel? Human flesh? LUKE What’s she talking about? WAVERLY I have no idea.

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(LISA exits howling.) LUKE I just remembered the funniest story about this fishing trip I took with my dad when I was twelve. WAVERLY Oh, good. LUKE I’ll tell you about it tonight. WAVERLY Can we pause the official autobiography of Luke Phillips for a moment? LUKE I just find this so cleansing. WAVERLY I’m glad. LUKE What’s wrong? WAVERLY Nothing. LUKE What’s up? WAVERLY Today’s the day. LUKE The day. WAVERLY Yes. LUKE Yes. The day. WAVERLY What do you think?

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LUKE Hm? WAVERLY Should I do it or not? LUKE I think you should do whatever you want. WAVERLY But what do you think I should do? LUKE I think you shouldn’t do it. WAVERLY Which one? LUKE It. WAVERLY What? LUKE The thing. WAVERLY Which thing? LUKE The thing you were just talking about. WAVERLY You have no idea what I’m asking you, do you? LUKE No. WAVERLY Today’s the day I have to decide to accept the position at my job or not. LUKE Oh.

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WAVERLY They offered it to me. Full time. LUKE So what do you want? WAVERLY I have no idea. LUKE You know what I do when I have a tough decision? WAVERLY What? LUKE Flip a coin. WAVERLY Really? LUKE Sure. Life’s random anyway, might as well be a partner to the whole thing. (Silence.) LUKE What? WAVERLY I thought you meant something else. I’m going to go get more pineapple juice. LUKE Call Lisa, she’ll get it. WAVERLY That’s okay. I’ll be right back. LUKE Waverly. WAVERLY Yeah. LUKE Did you notice something different about me?

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WAVERLY New shirt? LUKE I quit smoking. WAVERLY What? LUKE I quit smoking. Mostly. WAVERLY Why? LUKE The other day, you said, “I could never seriously date someone who smoked.” WAVERLY And? LUKE And, so I quit smoking. WAVERLY Mostly. LUKE Mostly. WAVERLY And you think that means we’re going to start seriously dating? LUKE No, no, no. I just wanted you to know I quit. WAVERLY You know I don’t want a serious relationship right now, Luke. LUKE But if you wanted to start seriously, one day, it wouldn’t be a thing for us. WAVERLY For us?

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LUKE Smoking’s a thing you do when you’re young—like a lot of the other things I did when I was young—and maybe it’s time to be less young, you know. For us. WAVERLY Don’t quit for me. And if you ever want to be “us” it’s gonna have to be a lot more than “mostly”. LUKE I’m workin’ on it. WAVERLY Keep workin’. I’ll be right back. (WAVERLY heads out. LUKE pulls out a pack of cigarettes, places them on the bar and stares at them.) #13 - And I Breathe LUKE SO, I PROMISED HER I’D QUIT, YEAH, THIS TIME FOR REAL. SHE DIDN’T MAKE ME. I JUST OFFERED. HEY, IT’S NO BIG DEAL. SO THAT’S IT. I’M DONE. NO TURNING BACK. BUT I REALLY SHOULD FINISH UP THIS PACK. I COULD QUIT IF I WANT. THAT’S WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT. SO TAKE THE CELLOPHANE OFF AND PULL THAT CIGARETTE OUT. AND I BREATHE. AND I HOLD IT IN ‘TIL I FEEL THAT TINGLE ‘NEATH MY SKIN. AND I HAVE TO SMOKE IT NOW BECAUSE IT’S LIT. THEN I PUT IT OUT. I’M DONE. I’M GOOD. I QUIT. SO, I DON’T SMOKE FOR A WHILE. YEAH, THAT’S GOOD FOR ME.

(LUKE)

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THEN I START TO BITE MY NAILS AND LIGHTLY BOUNCE MY KNEE. I MEAN, I SMOKED FOR TEN WHOLE YEARS BEFORE. WOULD IT KILL ME TO HAVE ONLY JUST ONE MORE? SO I’LL HAVE ANOTHER THEN I SWEAR THAT’S IT. I GET MY CIGARETTE OUT AND MY LIGHTER LIT. AND I BREATHE. AND MY VISION CLEARS. AND THAT ITCH INSIDE HERE DISAPPEARS. AND I HAVE TO SMOKE IT ALL, IT’S MY LAST ONE. THEN I PUT IT OUT. I QUIT. I’M GOOD. I’M DONE. I’M GONNA QUIT. THAT’S FOR SURE. I’M GONNA QUIT BECAUSE OF HER. I’M GONNA QUIT. IT WON’T BE HARD. I’LL THROW THIS PACK OUT IN THE YARD… RIGHT AFTER I HAVE ANOTHER. AND MAYBE ONE MORE ON SECOND THOUGHT. OH, MAN, I’M GONNA MISS THIS A LOT. AND HOW DARE SHE CLAIM IT’S NOT HER I’M QUITTING FOR? IT’S FOR US. HOW CAN THAT BE? IT’S FOR US? WELL, IT’S NOT FOR ME. SO, I’LL HAVE ONE MORE. JUST ONE MORE. BUT ONE MORE IS ONE MORE AND ONE MORE AND MORE AND MORE

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AND MORE AND MORE. SO, I’VE GOTTA LET ‘EM GO. MAN, I’LL REALLY MISS YOU GUYS. BUT THERE’S ONE THING THAT I KNOW I CAN’T GO HOME AND SEE THOSE EYES. WHEN SHE JUST BREATHES. JUST A LITTLE SIGH. THAT IS ALL I NEED TO WONDER WHY I COULDN’T UP QUIT A DAY AGO. I DIDN’T THINK I’D STILL BE SMOKING WHEN I WAS TWENTY-EIGHT YEARS OLD. BUT IT’S AMAZING HOW THESE TINY LITTLE BASTARDS TAKE THEIR HOLD. AND WHY CAN’T MY GOD DAMN BODY JUST DO WHAT IT’S FRICKING TOLD? SO THE NEXT TIME THAT I FEEL THE ITCH, AND MY PINKIE FINGER STARTS TO TWITCH, AND THAT FEELING STARTS TO ROLL AT ME LIKE A GIANT FUCKING BUS, I’LL JUST BREATHE. NOT FOR HER. NOT FOR ME. BUT FOR US. (WAVERLY enters with pineapple juice.) WAVERLY Thanks for holding down the fort. LUKE You got it. (WAVERLY walks by LUKE and kisses him.) WAVERLY Were you smoking?

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LUKE No. Not a lot. WAVERLY Back to being young again. Oh, well. LUKE Do you even want me to quit? WAVERLY Of course I do. LUKE Then I’ll quit. WAVERLY But not for me. LUKE You know what I think? WAVERLY What? LUKE I think you’re doing this on purpose. WAVERLY You do. LUKE I’ve learned a lot in the past six weeks, and I think you made this smoking declaration because you know I’m physically addicted to it. You don’t think I’ll ever quit and if I don’t quit, you won’t have to commit to something. WAVERLY That’s ridiculous. LUKE And it’s the same with me, and whatever your old boyfriend’s name was and this new job and bartending and acting. You make up these rules and maxims to keep you from having to commit to something, because that means you don’t get to be a kid anymore and live in your perfect bubble of infinite possibilities. WAVERLY That was very insightful, Luke.

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LUKE Thank you. WAVERLY Now leave. LUKE So it’s true, huh? WAVERLY Time for you to go. LUKE You can kick me out but it won’t be the end of this, Waverly. WAVERLY Yes, it will, Darren. #14 - If She Were Coming Home

(DARREN) LUKE

What? WAVERLY Just go. (LUKE leaves the bar. WAVERLY pours herself a whiskey and conjures DARREN in his apartment, alone, also drinking.) DARREN IF SHE WERE COMING HOME, I WOULDN’T HAVE ANOTHER DRINK. IF SHE WERE COMING HOME, I’D DO THE DISHES PILED IN MY SINK, AND I’D HANG UP ALL MY SHIRTS, AND PICK MY DIRTY SOCKS UP OFF THE FLOOR. BUT SHE’S NOT COMING HOME ANYMORE. IF SHE WERE COMING BACK, I WOULD TIDY UP THE PLACE. IF SHE WERE COMING BACK, THERE’S A CHANCE I MIGHT EVEN SHAVE MY FACE. AND I’D THROW ON THAT COLOGNE SHE GAVE ME AT CHRISTMAS TIME LAST YEAR.

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BUT SHE’S NOT COMING BACK. NOT HERE. IT ISN’T LIKE I NEED A WOMAN TO MAKE ME DO EVERY SINGLE CHORE I JUST NEED SOMEONE TO DO ALL THOSE LITTLE THINGS FOR. IF SHE WERE ON HER WAY, I’D POP THAT CHAMPAGNE WE HAVE ON ICE. IF SHE WERE ON HER WAY, I’D GET OUR KITCHEN TABLE LOOKING NICE. AND I’D MAKE HER FAVORITE MEAL OR WHATEVER IT WOULD TAKE TO MAKE HER STAY. BUT SHE’S NOT COMING HOME. AND SHE’S NOT COMING BACK. AND SHE’S NOT ON HER WAY. #15 – I Wish There Were A Reason WAVERLY I WISH THERE WERE A REASON. I WISH I COULD SAY WHY. I WISH THAT HE HAD CHEATED OR HADN’T BEEN SUPPORTIVE OR I’D CAUGHT HIM IN A LIE. BUT THERE WASN’T A REASON AT LEAST NOT THAT I RECALL SO I STAND HERE ALL ALONE FOR NO GOOD REASON AT ALL. AND I DON’T IMAGINE HE’S PERFECT. AND I STILL REMEMBER THE WAY HE CAN BE I’M JUST LOOKING FOR THE PART THAT CAUSED THIS ACHING, LONELY HEART AND MAYBE THE REASON IS ME. I WISH I COULD EXPLAIN THIS I WISH I ONLY KNEW HOW LOVE THAT WAS IMPASSIONED COULD QUICKLY COME UNRAVELED AND THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO.

(WAVERLY)

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I WISH I HAD AN ANSWER SOMEWHERE TO GO. SOMETHING TO SAY. MAYBE I WILL, BUT NOT TODAY. DARREN AND SHE’S NOT COMING HOME WAVERLY THERE’S NO REASON. DARREN AND SHE’S NOT COMING BACK WAVERLY EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED DARREN AND SHE’S NOT ON HER WAY. WAVERLY I WANT IT ALL TO STAY. (DARREN disappears. WAVERLY in sitting at the bar, crying into her whiskey. LISA enters.) LISA Woah, woah, woah. What’s wrong? WAVERLY There are signs everywhere, and they’re all pointing in different directions. It’s like when we got stuck in that traffic circle upstate for half an hour. LISA And we got out of that, didn’t we? WAVERLY When you wrenched the wheel from me, almost careening us into the Hudson. LISA But we got there. So here’s another wheel wrench—come to California with me. WAVERLY When?

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LISA I wasn’t getting something to eat, I was making a call to settle on an apartment. I’m leaving Saturday. WAVERLY What? LISA I didn’t want to tell you until I was certain because I knew you’d talk me out of it. It’s time for me to go. WAVERLY Even though she hasn’t arrived? LISA Because she hasn’t arrived. WAVERLY But what about the whisking? LISA I can’t hold up my life waiting for someone, when everything else is telling me to move on. It was my plan to come here, meet someone and go to California together. So instead of heading off into the sunset with the woman of my dreams, I’ll settle on my best friend. WAVERLY I’m just so confused. LISA Greater decisions were made my lesser people. WAVERLY And that makes it worse. It’s the first time in my life when the path isn’t clear—and I can’t make a choice. LISA You straight people sure wallow is self-pity a lot. WAVERLY I’m jealous of you sometimes. LISA Me?

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WAVERLY You get to have a day where you say to the world, “this is who I am. It’s not who you thought I was, but I’m proud of it.” And then we all hug and cheer and eat cake. LISA You’re jealous I’m a lesbian. That I got to spend my entire adolescence filled with crushing self-doubt and was forced to admit to everyone who I was as if it was some sin to be confessed—you’re jealous of that. WAVERLY Yes? LISA That’s it. Comfort time is over. You need to hear the hard stuff. WAVERLY I don’t wanna hear the hard stuff. #16 - You Can’t Be Everything You Want LISA I KNOW WHAT YOU WANNA HEAR. I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT ME TO SAY. THERE’S CONVERSATIONS LIKE OURS IN ALL NEW YORK BARS EVERY DAY. AND EVERYONE’S GOT THE SAME ATTITUDE; SHARE AN EMPTY CLICHÉ OR AN OVERUSED PLATITUDE. BUT YOU CAUGHT ME IN THE RIGHT MOOD. SO AT THE RISK OF SOUNDING RUDE… THERE AREN’T PLENTY OF FISH IN THE SEA. YOU CAN TAKE IT FROM ME, THEY’RE ENDANGERED SPECIES. AND I DON’T SEE A GREAT FISHERMAN HERE. LOOK AT THE GIRL IN THE MIRROR, AND TELL ME WHAT SHE SEES. SHE’S SEEING THE FACE OF SOMEONE RUNNING IN PLACE. MY FRIEND, CAN’T YOU SEE? YOU CAN’T BE EVERYTHING YOU WANT. YOUR LIFE WON’T ALWAYS WORK OUT FOR THE BEST, EVERY TRIAL’S NOT A TEST, NOR EACH LOSS A LESSON.

(LISA)

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DON’T BUY THE STUFF ‘BOUT THAT HALFWAY FILLED CUP LIFE WILL CARVE YOU RIGHT UP LIKE A DELICATESSEN. SO STOP REPEATING THE LINE THAT EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE COME ON, LISTEN TO ME. YOU CAN’T BE EVERYTHING YOU WANT. WHEN YOU DREAM YOU CAN BE ANYTHING. BUT YOU CAN DREAM WITHOUT EVEN SHOWING UP. SO STOP DREAMING AND BE SOMETHING ‘CAUSE HEY, THAT’S GROWING UP. DON’T THINK I’M TELLING YOU WHAT YOU SHOULD DO ‘CAUSE IT’S ALL UP TO YOU. THIS IS YOUR DECISION. YOU PICK A PATH, THEN THE OTHER ONE’S GONE BUT YOU GET TO MOVE ON. WITH A CLEARER VISION. WE’VE BEEN WANDERING FOR YEARS BUT NOW WE’RE FACING OUR FEARS AND FINALLY MOVING ALONG. ME, I’M HEADIN’ TO CALIFORNIA. YOU, DON’T SAY THAT I DIDN’T WARN YA. YOU CHOOSE THINGS EVEN BY NOT CHOOSING. HEY, IT’S ONLY YOUR LIFE YOU’RE LOSING. MAKE A CHOICE. DON’T LOOK BACK THEN YOU’RE FREE TO BE ANYTHING YOU WANT. DA, DA, MM DA BA, DA, DA BA, DA, BA DA, BA, DA BA, DA, BA, DA, BA, DA, DA, DA. #17 – Next Thing You Know

(WAVERLY and LISA) WAVERLY

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WHEN I FIRST CAME HERE I HAD PLANS AND WAS INSPIRED. GET A PLACE WITH YOU AN ODD JOB OR TWO, ‘TIL MY ACTING GOT ME HIRED. I’D GO OUT EVERY NIGHT TO SHARE AN EVENING WITH A FRIEND. NAÏVE OR NOT, I NEVER THOUGHT THOSE DAYS WOULD EVER END. NEXT THING YOU KNOW. (Meanwhile, on the other side of the stage we see LUKE and DARREN in their office.) LUKE’S COMPUTER Dude. DARREN’S COMPUTER Dude. LUKE’S COMPUTER I’m not sure what to do about my lady. DARREN’S COMPUTER Which one? LUKE’S COMPUTER I only have one. DARREN’S COMPUTER That’s very Pat Boone of you. (Back at the bar.) WAVERLY NEXT THING YOU KNOW I STOPPED PURSUING WHAT I WANTED AND INSTEAD CHOSE SOMETHING STABLE JUST A LITTLE COMPROMISE. NEXT THING YOU KNOW. NEXT THING YOU KNOW I FOUND MY DREAMS WERE ALL A MEMORY AND THE LIFE THAT I WAS LIVING WAS A CONSOLATION PRIZE.

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LISA BUT NO, NO, NO, DON’T LET THAT THOUGHT INSIDE YOUR MIND. IF YOUR DREAMS WERE SO IMPORTANT YOU WOULDN’T LEAVE THEM ALL BEHIND. WAVERLY AND OH, OH, OH I LIKE THIS LIFE, AND THOUGH IT’S STRANGE, SOMETIMES YOUR DREAMS ARE MEANT TO CHANGE. LISA SOMETIMES YOUR DREAMS ARE MEANT TO CHANGE. LISA AND WAVERLY NEXT THING YOU KNOW. (Back at Creative 360.) LUKE’S COMPUTER She says she wants me to grow up a bit, but not too much, that would freak her out. DARREN’S COMPUTER Sounds like someone I know. LUKE’S COMPUTER Actually, she was one of the girls you hit on at the bar a few weeks ago. DARREN’S COMPUTER What’s her name? LUKE’S COMPUTER Waverly. DARREN What? LUKE’S COMPUTER Waverly. (DARREN gets up in shock, puts on his coat, and starts to leave.) (Back at the bar.) LISA AND IT ISN’T HOW YOU PLANNED IT.

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AND IT ISN’T HOW YOU DREAMED. BUT COULD IT BE THE LIFE YOU NEVER THOUGHT YOU’D WANT IS EVEN BETTER THAN IT SEEMED? (Back at Creative 360.) LUKE Hey, where you going? I thought we were meeting my dad tonight. DARREN Some other time, Luke. LUKE It took me a long time to set this up. DARREN I’m sorry. LUKE Wait, what do you think I should do about this girl? DARREN I…think you should be who you are. If she wants you, she wants you; and if she wants someone else, maybe it’s a sign. Just tell her what you feel and…see how it works out. LUKE That’s good advice, Temp. Thanks. (DARREN walks out—confused.) (LUKE watches him go, and thinks about what he said. HE grabs his coat and heads out the door.) (Back at the little bar on Sullivan Street.) WAVERLY NO, IT ISN’T HOW I PLANNED IT, IT’S NOT THE LIFE I THOUGHT I’D CHOOSE. BUT COULD IT BE, THE THINGS I NEVER THOUGHT I’D WANT ARE NOW THE THINGS I’M SCARED TO LOSE? LISA SO HOLD ON. WAVERLY HOLD OUT.

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LISA IT’S OKAY. WAVERLY IT’S NOT THE LIFE I PLANNED ON. BUT I LIKE IT ANYWAY, NEXT THING YOU KNOW. NEXT THING YOU KNOW I GET A SIGN MY LIFE IS CHANGING AND THAT NOTHING LASTS FOREVER SO I TRY TO SHUT IT OUT NEXT THING YOU KNOW LISA NEXT THING YOU KNOW YOU LEARN THAT RUNNING GETS YOU NOWHERE UNLESS A CHOOSE A PATH TO RUN DOWN MAYBE THAT’S WHAT LIFE’S ABOUT. WAVERLY AND NO, NO, NO THIS DOESN’T MEAN I HAVE REGRET WHEN MY FUTURE CAME A CALLIN’ I JUST WASN’T READY YET. LISA AND OH, OH, OH YOU GOTTA LOOK AT WHAT YOU GOT. WAVERLY SEE IF YOU WANT THAT LIFE OR NOT. LISA YOU MAKE A CHOICE AND TAKE A SHOT. NEXT THING YOU KNOW. (WAVERLY goes behind the bar and pulls a quarter from the tips jar. She begins to flip it in the air.) LISA NEXT THING YOU KNOW. WAVERLY NEXT THING YOU KNOW.

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LISA NEXT THING YOU KNOW. WAVERLY NEXT THING YOU KNOW. LISA NEXT THING YOU KNOW. WAVERLY NEXT THING YOU KNOW. LISA NEXT THING YOU KNOW. WAVERLY NEXT THING YOU KNOW. LISA NEXT THING YOU KNOW. WAVERLY NEXT THING YOU KNOW. LISA NEXT THING YOU KNOW. WAVERLY NEXT THING YOU KNOW. LISA AND WAVERLY NEXT THING YOU KNOW. (After one final flip, she tosses the quarter into the air and slams it down onto the top of the bar. She holds it there.) (As WAVERLY lifts her hand to see the result, LUKE enters.) WAVERLY Luke. LUKE I’ve been giving it some thought.

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WAVERLY Okay. LUKE I am who I am, and I’m not changing for anyone. WAVERLY You don’t need to. LUKE Good. WAVERLY I don’t think we should do this anymore. LUKE What? WAVERLY You were right. I was dating you because I wanted to stay young forever. I don’t think I should stay young forever. LUKE Are you nuts? I’ve opened up to you like I’ve never opened up to anyone in my life. WAVERLY I like you a lot, Luke. But… LUKE Is there another guy? WAVERLY It’s more complicated than that. (DARREN enters.) LUKE It’s only complicated because you’re being a complete lunatic. DARREN Don’t talk to her like that. LUKE Temp, what are you doing here?

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DARREN My name’s Darren, and I’m here to tell you to stop talking to her like that. LUKE You’re the guy. (Dead silence.) LUKE I guess it could’ve been worse. But man, good luck with her. She’s cuh-ray-zeeeeeee. (LUKE goes to leave.) DARREN Luke! LUKE Yeah. (DARREN walks up to LUKE and grabs him by the shirt.) DARREN Don’t you ever call her that again. LUKE What? Crazy? Bonkers? Nutso? DARRN Watch it. LUKE Cuckoo. Schitzo. Whacky time! DARREN Get outta here! If I ever see you in here again, I’ll throw you in the dumpster with the left over bar food. And trust me, you don’t want that. The food here’s terrible. LUKE You must not want that agent after all. DARREN I want something better. (LUKE leaves.)

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WAVERLY Darren, what are you doing here? DARREN Well, I didn’t come here to get in a bar fight, but that seemed necessary. WAVERLY You know him? DARREN We work together. Tomorrow’s gonna be awkward. LISA I’m going to leave you two alone. Let’s meet up later tonight though. (aside to Waverly) I guess the quarter chose Darren? WAVERLY No. I did. (LISA exits.) #18 - All That I Want Is You

(DARREN and WAVERLY) DARREN

Waverly, I want to be with you. WAVERLY I’m taking the job. Full-time. DARREN Okay. WAVERLY Are you sure you want to be with a working stiff with some stupid job? DARREN ALL I WANTED WAS WRITING TO START OFF MY DAYS. AND THEN LUNCH WITH MY AGENT WHO PITCHES AND PAYS. IN THE EVENING, I’D DROP IN ON ONE OF MY PLAYS. AND THE NEXT DAY START IT ALL AGAIN. WE WOULD MOVE TO

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A BROWNSTONE, THE DOOR PAINTED WHITE, WHERE WE’D LIVE LIKE THE COSBYS, OUR KIDS WOULD BE BRIGHT. WE’D ALL GATHER FOR BOARD GAMES ON SATURDAY NIGHT. BUT THE CHILDREN ARE TUCKED IN BY TEN. I FIGURED OUT ALL OF THE DETAILS THAT MATTERED. NEXT THING YOU KNOW, THAT PERFECT PICTURE WAS SHATTERED. ALL I WANTED WAS MY NAME UPON A MARQUEE, AND A QUAINT POST-WAR WALKUP TWO BLOCKS FROM THE D. ALL THE THINGS THAT I WANTED, I WANTED FOR ME. AND I NEVER QUESTIONED WHY. JUST WHEN. YOU CAN DESIGN A PERFECT PICTURE TO GUIDE YOU. WAVERLY NEXT THING YOU KNOW, YOU LEARN IT’S WHO’S THERE BESIDE YOU. ALL I WANTED WERE PASSIONS AND DREAMS TO PURSUE. SO THE MOMENT I WOKE UP I’D KNOW WHAT TO DO. DARREN AND WAVERLY NOW THERE’S ONE THING I NEED FOR MY DREAMS TO COME TRUE. NOW THE ONLY THING I WANT… NOW AT LAST YOU’RE BACK AGAIN. NEXT THING YOU KNOW, NEXT THING YOU KNOW, ALL THAT I WANT IS YOU. (LUKE enters. HE’S not in the bar, but his own world.) #19 - Next Thing You Know Finale

(ENSEMBLE)

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LUKE NEXT THING YOU KNOW YOU FIND YOU’RE RUNNING ROUND IN CIRCLES AND ALTHOUGH YOU’RE SORTA TIRED YOU’RE NOT PREPARED TO STRAIGHTEN OUT. NEXT THING YOU KNOW (LISA enters, also in her own world.) LISA NEXT THING YOU KNOW YOU NEED A SUBTLE CHANGE OF SCENERY. SO YOU PACK UP YOUR BELONGINGS AND YOU PLAN A DIFFERENT ROUTE. DARREN AND NO, NO, NO THIS DOESN’T MEAN YOUR JOURNEY’S DONE. IT JUST MEANS A CHAPTER’S ENDED AND A NEW ONE HAS BEGUN. WAVERLY AND OH, OH, OH NOTHING’S EVER MEANT TO STAY. SOME CHANCES SLIP AND GO AWAY. ENSEMBLE WHICH ONES, ARE LEFT FOR YOU TO SAY. NEXT THING YOU KNOW WAVERLY AND IT ISN’T HOW YOU PLANNED IT. AND IT ISN’T HOW YOU DREAMED. BUT COULD IT BE THE LIFE YOU NEVER THOUGHT YOU’D WANT IS EVEN BETTER THAN IT SEEMED? DARREN SO HOLD ON. LUKE HOLD OUT. LISA IT’S OKAY.

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DARREN IT’S NOT THE LIFE YOU PLANNED ON. WAVERLY BUT YOU LIKE IT ANYWAY. ENSEMBLE NEXT THING YOU KNOW. LUKE NEXT THING YOU KNOW, YOU THINK YOU’VE FOUND THAT PERFECT PERSON BUT SHE FEELS A LITTLE DIFFERENT SO YOU START THE SEARCH AGAIN. NEXT THING YOU KNOW. DARREN NEXT THING YOU KNOW YOU LEARN YOUR PERFECT WEEKEND EVENING ISN’T SPENT UPON A BAR STOOL BUT TUCKED IN WITH HER BY TEN. LISA BUT NO, NO, NO THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU’VE GOT IT MADE IT JUST MEANS YOU FOUND SOME COMFORT WHERE YOU USED TO BE AFRAID. WAVERLY AND OH, OH, OH, YOU STARTED FRIGHTENED AND PERPLEXED NOW YOU’RE ASKING WHAT COMES NEXT. ALL DEAR GOD, PLEASE TELL ME WHAT COMES NEXT. NEXT THING YOU KNOW. LUKE NEXT THING YOU KNOW. LISA NEXT THING YOU KNOW. DARREN NEXT THING YOU KNOW.

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LUKE NEXT THING YOU KNOW. WAVERLY NEXT THING YOU KNOW. ALL NEXT THING YOU KNOW NEXT THING YOU KNOW. WAVERLY NEXT THING YOU KNOW. LISA NEXT THING YOU KNOW. LUKE NEXT THING YOU KNOW. ALL NEXT THING YOU KNOW. NEXT THING YOU KNOW NEXT THING YOU KNOW, OH, OH, OH, OH OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH. (WAVERLY and DARREN exit the bar. WAVERLY gives it one last look, hits the lights and locks the door.)