Modern Family - Full-Phil-ment

MODERN FAMILY "Full-Phil-ment" Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2015

INT. MITCH & CAMERON’S HOME (BATHROOM) - DAY A PLUMBER (late 40s) is sitting on the floor next to a toilet, staring into space. Cameron walks in. The Plumber continues to stare. Cameron clears his throat. The Plumber still doesn’t react. Cameron clears his throat a second time. Again no reaction. Cameron knocks on the door. The Plumber looks in the toilet for the source of the knock. CAMERON Hello? The Plumber looks at the toilet confused. He leans towards the toilet bowl. PLUMBER (into toilet) Hi. CAMERON Actually, I’m over here by the door. The Plumber turns his head and looks at Cameron. CAMERON Uh. How you doing in there? PLUMBER Good. How are you? CAMERON I’m fine. So, uh, how’s my toilet? PLUMBER It’s good. How are you? CAMERON I’m also good. So, I guess you’re done here. PLUMBER No. I still got some work to do on your toilet. CAMERON Right. So, uh, have you figured out what’s wrong with it?

2. PLUMBER Well. In layman’s terms, it all basically comes down to this: your toilet isn’t working. CAMERON Right. That’s kind of what I suspected. Um. Do you know why the toilet isn’t working? PLUMBER Well. Here’s the way I see it. The main problem is that your toilet won’t flush. CAMERON Hm. That’s actually the way I see it, too. PLUMBER Oh. So you’re also a plumber? CAMERON Not quite. I just know a little about toilets. PLUMBER Oh. You mean you dabble in toiletry? CAMERON ... I’m pretty sure that’s not what I mean. (Play intro) (Resume scene) The Plumber stares at Cameron for a few seconds. PLUMBER My wife. She’s cheating on me. CAMERON Oh. That’s, uh... you two are a great couple. You’ll overcome this. PLUMBER You don’t know us. CAMERON Well. I know a lot of couples like you. Uh--can I get you something to drink?

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PLUMBER Whiskey. CAMERON I just bought a big bottle of fresh pomegranate juice at Whole Foods Market. PLUMBER Good. Pour it down the drain, and bring me whiskey. CAMERON How about Pepsi? PLUMBER How about whiskey? CAMERON Well. (sings to the tune of "Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off") I say potato / You say po-tah-to / I say Pepsi / You say whiskey Cameron smiles semi-nervously at the Plumber. PLUMBER (sings to the tune of "Jack Daniels, If You Please") "Jack Daniels, if you please / Knock me to my knees." CAMERON (sings to the tune of "The Whiskey Ain’t Workin’" "The whiskey ain’t workin’ anymore." PLUMBER Change the station. CAMERON Well. Um. The Plumber puts his ear up to the toilet and listens. He then grabs a plunger, and begins using it violently on the toilet. Finally, he sits down next to the toilet, and looks back at Cameron. PLUMBER My wife is sleeping with my cousin.

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CAMERON I see. And do you want your whiskey on the rocks? INT. DUNPHY HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY Phil walks in through the front door. A second later, Claire walks in through the kitchen. CLAIRE Hi honey. They kiss. CLAIRE Why are you home so early? PHIL You know the house on Oak Street? Sold! CLAIRE You sold a $2 million home! PHIL Uh. Did Michael Jordan three-peat twice? CLAIRE Phil--I don’t know what that means. PHIL That means the home on Miller Street--also sold! CLAIRE You sold another $2 million home? PHIL Did Michael Jordan three-peat twice? CLAIRE Absolutely! Wow, Phil! You’re on fire! You gotta get on your phone and do some more selling. PHIL I’m actually gonna take a few days off to...

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CLAIRE You gotta keep the momentum going. It’s like you’re Michael Jordan, you’ve scored 50 points, the game is tied, and you just got a pass from Lebron James. Shoot the ball! PHIL Lebron James and Michael Jordan were never on the same team. They never even played during the same year. CLAIRE Fine. You’re playing blackjack, and the dealer just gave you 11. Double down! PHIL Is the dealer Lebron James? CLAIRE Sure. PHIL .... Why would Lebron James be dealing blackjack cards? CLAIRE The point is, you should go with the momentum, and keep selling. PHIL ... Honey. Let’s talk about... Purpose. Passion. Fulfillment. CLAIRE OK. PHIL I sold two homes today. CLAIRE Yeah. (puts up her hand) High five. He gives her a high five. PHIL (continues what he was saying) And it was exciting at first, the way I thought it would be. But then (MORE)

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PHIL (cont’d) the feeling died down. The fulfillment just wasn’t there. And, I mean, who is Phil, if Phil doesn’t have fulfill-ment? CLAIRE Um. What? PHIL Let me state that another way. I want to add the full-ment to Phil. CLAIRE Excuse me? PHIL Do the math. Full-ment plus Phil equals full-Phil-ment. CLAIRE Well. Right now, Phil sounds like he’s full of something. PHIL Honey. I want to change careers. ... (puts up his hand) High five. CLAIRE When Michael Jordan got a pass in the championship game, I don’t think he walked off the court and said, "I’m not playing basketball anymore. I mean, I want to add full-ment to Michael. Full-Michael-ment." PHIL (flips over his hand, looks at his palm, and then puts down his hand) Claire. That really made no sense. CLAIRE And you think you’re making sense, with all your fulfillment math? PHIL Yes.

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CLAIRE Well what about money? Did you do the math on that? PHIL I sold two homes today. And now that we have money, we won’t be needing any more money for a while. CLAIRE Phil--please stop talking to that Zen Buddhist guy at the gym. Just chit chat with all of those pretty girls in tight pants. PHIL I want to try out a new career. CLAIRE Phil--we’ve talked about this. You can’t be a magician. Or a gigolo. PHIL I can be an artist. ... I’m gonna paint. Paintings. I’m gonna paint paintings. CLAIRE Anything else? PHIL Yes. (puts up his hand) High five. INT. DUNPHY HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY (Documentary Scene interview) PHIL (to camera) Let me put it this way. The ball has been passed to me, and now I’m gonna shoot. Only the ball is a paintbrush. It’s not a ball. ... Is that Zen? I think that’s Zen. And come to think of it, maybe the idea of Lebron James dealing blackjack cards is also Zen.

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INT. JAY & GLORIA’S HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY Gloria is talking to Manny. GLORIA Do you have any idea why Jay has been playing video games so much? MANNY Mom. Let me explain something to you about my relationship with Jay. I don’t understand him, he doesn’t understand me. That’s the delicate balance of nature that allows this ecosystem to work. GLORIA He’s a man in his 60s, and he bought himself one of those box-boxes. MANNY You mean x-boxes? GLORIA Whatever. He’s always playing the box-box. He was up till 1 am yesterday. MANNY Well--the good news is that he doesn’t go to bed at 8 pm, like most people his age. I mean, you’re in your party years, he’s in his Social Security years--but you’re still living in the same time zone. GLORIA You think I’m still in my party years? INT. MITCH & CAMERON’S HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY Cameron is on the phone. INT. MITCH’S OFFICE - DAY Mitch answers his phone.

9. MITCH Yeah. (Back and forth between Mitch & Cameron’s Home and Mitch’s Office) CAMERON (quietly) I got a bit of a problem involving the plumber. He’s been here for two hours. MITCH Our toilet must be really broken. CAMERON No. The plumber’s head is broken. MITCH Oh. Have you tried using a plunger on it? CAMERON He’s acting crazy, because he thinks his wife is cheating on him. I asked him to leave--but he said that he wanted to finish the job. Should I call the cops? MITCH Yes. And make sure you talk to the division of Internal Affairs and Toilets. CAMERON Mitch! MITCH Don’t call the cops. Just go to the bathroom and have a man-to-man chat with the plumber. CAMERON I tired that. He thought my voice was coming from the toilet! And that was before he started drinking our whiskey. Can you come home early and help me deal with this? MITCH Well. I’m kind of busy doing something other than talking to a drunk plumber.

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CAMERON Well, how snobby of you. You’re unwilling to talk to the blue collar working class. MITCH Cam. You know perfectly well that one of my best friends is a plumber. CAMERON Well why didn’t we have him fix our toilet? MITCH Because having a friend fix your toilet is really awkward. CAMERON As opposed to having a drunk stranger sit next to your toilet and discuss his marriage with you. That’s not awkward at all! MITCH Cam. I gotta go. INT. DUNPHY HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY Phil has an easel, canvas, and paint set up, and he’s working on a painting. (The painting remains concealed to the TV viewer throughout the episode.) He’s wearing a scarf and flip flops. Claire is sitting nearby on the sofa, watching TV. Haley walks in. HALEY Hi mom. CLAIRE Hi sweetie. Haley sees Phil. HALEY Um. Hi dad. Phil turns around, stares at her for a few seconds, and then turns around and continues working on his painting.

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HALEY (to Claire) Uh. Two questions, mom. What’s for dinner? CLAIRE Spaghetti. HALEY And, uh, which mental institute should we put dad in? Phil turns around. PHIL Honey. I have a creative life that balances out my overall life. I have balance. When you think about it, that actually makes me saner than the rest of you. I’m not insane. Unless by "insanity," you mean that I’m in a state of sanity. I’m in sanity. How did I get there? Through work that brings fulfillment. He does a somersault, and then resumes working on his painting. HALEY I was kind of with you until that whole part about the somersault. PHIL Spaghetti! Phi continues working on his painting. CLAIRE (to Haley) Honey. We’re still looking for the right mental institute. INT. DUNPHY HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY (Documentary Interview Scene) CLAIRE Apparently, Phil has entered his post modernist phase. It’s marked by vibrant colors and acrobatic behavior.

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INT. SUPERMARKET - DAY Gloria is putting a loaf of bread in her cart. COLLIN (21, good looking) is a few feet away from her. COLLIN I’ve been here for five minutes. I have no idea which bread to buy. Like, what should I look for in a loaf bread? GLORIA I don’t know. I’ve been buying the same kind for five years. COLLIN I’m still trying to find the right one. She studies his body language. He seems very flirty. GLORIA Well... I think you should keep looking. COLLIN You have the most amazing voice. Any time I hear you say something, I want you to just keep on talking. GLORIA (confuses / surprised) What? COLLIN Say "what" again. GLORIA Are you doing the scene from Pulp Fiction? COLLIN What? GLORIA "Say ’what’ again." You know. That’s what Samuel L. Jackson said in Pulp Fiction COLLIN I’ve never seen that movie.

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GLORIA Yeah. It’s a little before your time. COLLIN Maybe we can watch it together. GLORIA I don’t know. I’ll have to ask my husband. COLLIN OK. How was your day, by the way? GLORIA What? COLLIN Like I said. I just want to hear you talk. GLORIA Right. COLLIN If you were my wife, you know what I’d do? GLORIA I’m afraid to ask. COLLIN I’d rush home every day to hear your voice. GLORIA You’re laying it on a little thick--don’t you think? COLLIN I’ll bet your husband doesn’t ask you about your day. Does he? GLORIA ... How old are you? COLLIN You’re avoiding my question. GLORIA You’re avoiding my question. How old are you?

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COLLIN I’m an adult. GLORIA How adult are you? Put an age on your adult. COLLIN You see that six pack of Coronas over there? I’m old enough to buy it. GLORIA Well. I’m old enough to buy a 12 pack. COLLIN So you’re also 21? GLORIA I turned 21 in the 90s. The decade when I was watching Pulp Fiction, and you were watching Spongebob. COLLIN Let’s focus on this decade. The one where I’m a man who watches 20/20, and you’re a woman who watches 20/20. GLORIA I’m a married woman. And I watch Destilando Amor and Wheel of Fortune. INT. MITCH & CAMERON’S HOME (BATHROOM) - DAY The Plumber is sitting on the floor next to the toilet, finishing a glass of whiskey. Cameron walks in. CAMERON So how’s the toilet doing? PLUMBER Can your bring over some more whiskey? CAMERON That depends. Are you gonna drink it, or pour it in the toilet?

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PLUMBER I’m gonna drink it. CAMERON Well. We have actually have a three drink maximum in this bathroom--’cause we don’t want anyone to drown in the toilet water. So, um, how about I drop you off at a liquor store? PLUMBER I’m still not done fixing your toilet. CAMERON That’s OK. You can take it home with you, and then fix it and mail it back to me. The Plumber looks at Cameron’s wedding ring. PLUMBER Is your wife cheating on you? CAMERON I doubt it. I mean, we’re newlyweds--not to mention the fact that my wife is a husband. PLUMBERS You mean both of you are homos? CAMERON Well. In layman’s terms, yes-both of us are homos. PLUMBER Right. Yeah. I actually detected a lot of gayness from you. But I’m just so distracted with my marriage, that I forgot about your gayness. CAMERON That’s interesting. You’re the first person to ever forget about my gayness after detecting it. PLUMBER You know, I’ve never had a conversation with a gay before.

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CAMERON Wow. That’s very surprising. Especially considering how you just referred to two gay men as "homos," and one gay man as "a gay." INT. DUNPHY HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY The doorbell rings. Claire opens it to reveal Jay. CLAIRE Hi dad. JAY Hi. I came to hang out with Luke. CLAIRE Really? That’s great. He’s in his room. JAY Alright. He begins walking up the steps. He comes back down, and examines Phil painting shirtless. JAY (to Claire) Uh... CLAIRE He sold $4 million worth of homes today. JAY Great. That explains nothing. (to Phil) Phil--keep up the good work. Phil turns around, stares at Jay for a few seconds, and then goes right back to working on his painting. JAY Right. I’ll be upstairs, if anybody needs me.

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INT. DUNPHY HOME (LUKE’S ROOM) - DAY Jay walks in. JAY Time for a rematch. LUKE It’s on. JAY You’re darn tootin’ it’s on. It’s on like Donkey Kong. INT. JAY & GLORIA’S HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY (Documentary Scene) JAY (to camera) In the 80s, I used to take Mitchell and Claire to the arcade. 323,915 points. That was my Pac-Man high score. I set the arcade’s record back in 82. But a month ago, I played a few games of Madden with Luke. He beat me. And now it’s on. It’s on like Donkey Kong. Actually--it’s on like Pac-Man. I even ate bananas and cherries in preparation for this. I have problems. I know. INT. SUPERMARKET - DAY Gloria in on her cell phone. INT. DUNPHY HOME (LUKE’S ROOM) - DAY Jay is playing a Madden Football video game with Luke. Jay’s phone rings. He pauses the game and takes the call. JAY Hello. (Back and forth between the Supermarket and Luke’s Room) GLORIA Some guy is flirting with me.

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JAY Flirting? Like, is he harassing you? GLORIA No. It’s much more serious than that. He’s complimenting me. JAY What? GLORIA Say "what" again, Jay! Say "what" again! JAY Um. What? I mean, um. Honey. Did you tell this guy that you’re married? GLORIA Yes. He continued to flirt. He’s in the frozen foods section right now, and I’m in cereal--but I think he’s gonna talk to me again later. Soon. JAY You have your pepper spray? GLORIA Yes. JAY Great. Use it. GLORIA I’m not gonna pepper spray him just for flirting with me. You don’t bottle in one spray and he’ll

JAY have to spray the whole his eyes. Just give him in the general vicinity, get the point.

GLORIA He said that he likes my voice. JAY ... What?

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GLORIA Jay. Don’t say "what" again. My voice. He said he like it. He said it’s like music to his ears. JAY Well. In that case, you should probably marry him. GLORIA Jay! JAY Gloria. If you’re not gonna use the pepper spray, just leave the supermarket. GLORIA But we need groceries. JAY We can eat out. I hear IHOP serves a magnificent dish called a Rooty Tooty Fresh n’ Fruity. GLORIA Jay--you should come down here and make sure this guy knows we’re together, so he won’t get so fresh and fruity with me. JAY That’s not really what fruity means. GLORIA Jay! JAY Gloria--I’d love to come down there and throw Pop Tarts at your new boyfriend. But I’m in the middle of something very important. GLORIA What? JAY I’m, uh--I’m spending quality time with Luke.

20. GLORIA Oh. Well. I guess that’s a good excuse. JAY It’s a great excuse. GLORIA OK. I love you. JAY I love you, too. He hangs up. JAY OK. Unpause the game. 3rd down. Five seconds later, Luke scores a touchdown. LUKE Boom! Seven to nothing. Next time you play me, make sure you stretch your quads before kickoff. Luke gets on the ground to do a lying quad stretch. LUKE Like this. JAY That’s it. I’m taking you out of my will. INT. MITCH & CAMERON’S HOME (BATHROOM) - DAY The plumber is now sitting on the toiler (with his pants on). Cameron is standing next to him, holding a whiskey bottle. CAMERON More whiskey? PLUMBER Fill ’er up. Lily walks in. LILY Daddy--are you done with your playdate? It’s been, like, three hours.

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CAMERON No, honey. We’re still drinking pretend alcohol. LILY And playing pretend toilet? CAMERON No. We’re not playing pretend toilet. Playing pretend toilet would be very inappropriate. This is pretend bartender. You know. I’m working at a bar, and he’s sitting at a bar. LILY Oh. She walks up to the Plumber. LILY It’s my turn to sit at the bar. The Plumber gets up. Lily sits on the toilet. LILY (to Cameron) OK, bartender. I’ll have a glass of orange juice. The Plumber stares at Cameron, not sure what to make of everything. CAMERON (to Lily) One glass of orange juice. Coming up. He pours her an imaginary glass of orange juice. PLUMBER (to Lily) You want some whiskey in that orange juice? CAMERON No. No she doesn’t. In this establishment, we don’t serve pretend whiskey to minors. PLUMBER She can pretend to be an adult.

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CAMERON Like the way you’re pretending to be a plumber? PLUMBER I am a plumber. CAMERON Great. Then how about you plumb my toilet? PLUMBER (to Lily) My wife is cheating on me. LILY Daddy--what is he talking about? CAMERON His wife cheats whenever they play Go Fish. LILY (to Plumber) Your wife shouldn’t cheat. PLUMBER Yes! You’re right. You understand. You know, if you were 30 years older, I’d leave my wife and marry you. LILY Well maybe you can find a wife at the bar. (points to an imaginary women) Like that woman over there. PLUMBER She looks like a gold digger. LILY What’s a gold digger? CAMERON It’s someone who digs to find gold. LILY Oh. Let’s play that. She does some imaginary digging.

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LILY Look! I found gold! Lots of gold. Daddy--I’m a gold digger! INT. DUNPHY HOME (KITCHEN) - NIGHT Phil is wearing a winter hat that covers his ears, and he’s holding a box. PHIL I got you something. CLAIRE OK. Before I open it, let me ask you a question. Does this box contain your ear? PHIL What? No. CLAIRE Then why are you wearing that hat? PHIL Honey. I’m in a creative field. So sometimes I wear a hat, or sometimes I pet a cat, or sometimes I catch a rat. CLAIRE I don’t know how to respond to that. PHIL Do you think this hat makes me look fat? CLAIRE What? PHIL Nothing. I just got carried away with the rhyming thing. Open the box. CLAIRE It’s light. She opens it.

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CLAIRE It’s empty. PHIL It contains my soul. CLAIRE I see. PHIL No. You can’t see a soul. CLAIRE Right. So, uh, what do you want me to do with this soul? PHIL Don’t you see? CLAIRE No. That’s the point. He kisses her. PHIL We’re soul mates. And now I want you to give me your soul. CLAIRE So, uh--do you want me to put my soul in a box? PHIL No. CLAIRE I think I get it now? PHIL You do? CLAIRE Yes. You want me to put my soul in a bowl, after you’re done putting a cat in a hat. PHIL Now you get it. CLAIRE I don’t think I do. Phil--what hell are we talking about?

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INT. DUNPHY HOME (LUKE’S ROOM) - NIGHT JAY (very loudly) 30, 20, 10--Touchdown! Russell Wilson! He starts doing a touchdown dance. Claire walks in and looks at Jay. JAY I, uh--I scored a touchdown. CLAIRE Yeah. I can see. You’re sweating. JAY It’s, uh--your home’s too insulated. It’s hot in here. CLAIRE It’s not that hot. Phil is downstairs wearing a winter hat. Daddy--this is Pac-Man all over again. The summer of 82. Remember that? The rivalry you had with Tommy Jones? JAY Yeah. He was the second best in town. I was the best. CLAIRE You were in your thirties. He was in fifth grade! JAY Pac-Man isn’t about age. It’s about dots. And fruit. CLAIRE Dad. I got Van Gogh hanging out downstairs. I have an insane husband. LUKE Dad says that "insanity" can also mean that you’re in a state of sanity. In sanity.

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CLAIRE Right. Yeah. Your father’s 100% right. (to Jay) Dad--can you please balance out Phil’s insanity with your own out-sanity? Try acting a little normal. JAY Claire. I’m just playing video games with my only grandson. I like my grandson, and I like video games. It would be crazy for me not to play video games with my grandson. CLAIRE Have you been talking to that Zen Buddhist guy at the gym? INT. MITCH & CAMERON’S HOME (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT The doorbell rings. Cameron opens the door the reveal CLARA (45). CLARA Hi. Can I talk to Jeff? CAMERON Jeff? CLARA The plumber. CAMERON Right. Jeff. For some reason, he referred to himself as Jehosophat. CLARA No. That’s what he calls his plunger. CAMERON Oh. Well--Jehosopophat and Jeff are both in the bathroom. Over there.

27. INT. MITCH & CAMERON’S HOME (BATHROOM) - NIGHT Clara walks in to the bathroom while Cameron watches. JEFF / PLUMBER Clara? How did you know I was here? CLARA You called me ten minutes ago and told me where you were. JEFF / PLUMBER Right. By the way (looks at Cameron) --this is... what’s your name? CAMERON Cameron. JEFF / PLUMBER Cameron. I’m Jeff. CAMERON OK, Jeff. Allow me to introduce my plunger, Jebediah. JEFF / PLUMBER (to Clara) Honey. This is Cameron. He’s a homo. And he just got married. You know. Prop 8. CAMERON (to Clara) Hi. CLARA Hi. I voted no on Prop 8. But congratulations on your marriage. CAMERON Thank you? JEFF / PLUMBER (to Clara) You’re sleeping with my cousin! CLARA Are you drunk? JEFF / PLUMBER I used to be drunk on my love for you. But now I’m just drunk on the crappy whiskey Jebediah gave me.

28. CAMERON Um. I’m Cameron. Remember? My plunger is Jebediah. And for the record, I serve the cheap whiskey in our bathroom, and the good whiskey in our living room. CLARA (to Jeff) What makes you think that I’m sleeping with Tony? JEFF / PLUMBER I wasn’t talking about Tony. I was talking about John. CLARA What makes you think I’m sleeping with John? JEFF / PLUMBER You both like that movie. The one with that bearded guy. The funny guy with the beard. You know that movie. CLARA The Hangover? JEFF / PLUMBER Yeah. You were both watching that movie and laughing. CLARA That doesn’t mean I’m sleeping with him. Honey--I love you. You mean everything to me. JEFF / PLUMBER The Hangover isn’t even that good. CLARA Well. It’s pretty good. JEFF / PLUMBER Yeah. It’s pretty good. But it’s not that good. There are some funny parts, though. I like the bearded guy. And the Chinaman. And that black guy. The boxer. Cameron drinks some whiskey straight out of the bottle, which is almost empty by now.

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JEFF / PLUMBER So you’re not sleeping with John? CLARA No. JEFF / PLUMBER Or Tony? CLARA Or Tony. JEFF / PLUMBER (points to Cameron) Or this homo? CLARA I don’t even know this homo. Honey--I only have eyes for you. (to Cameron) He’s the jealous type. This happens every month or so. CAMERON Ah. Cameron drinks some more whiskey out of the bottle. JEFF / PLUMBER I love you, Clara. Come here. They kiss very romantically, and don’t stop. CAMERON Um. I’ll just leave you alone for a minute or two. He closes the door. CAMERON Feel free to fix the toilet when you’re done. INT. MITCH & CAMERON’S HOME (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT Cameron is sitting on the sofa and has the whikey bottle in his hand. Mitch walks in.

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MITCH So. What happened with the plumber? CAMERON You missed the make up scene. MITCH The make up scene? CAMERON Yeah. Clara dropped by. MITCH Who’s Clara? CAMERON Jeff’s wife. MITCH Who’s Jeff? CAMERON Jeff is the plumber, Clara is his wife, and Jehosophat is the plunger. And it turns out that Clara wasn’t sleeping with John. Or Tony. Or the gay guy they refer to as a "homo." MITCH Wait. Are you talking about Days of Our Lives? CAMERON No. Days of our bathroom. INT. DUNPHY HOME (LUKE’S ROOM) - NIGHT Jay is on the phone with Gloria. JAY Hey, honey. I’m done with my quality time. I won 17-14 in overtime. I might’ve cheated, though.

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INT. DUNPHY HOME (LUKE’S ROOM) - NIGHT (Earlier / Flashback) Jay knocks the controller out of Luke’s hand. LUKE Hey! INT. DUNPHY HOME (LUKE’S ROOM) - NIGHT GLORIA (V.O.) Oh. JAY Is that guy still flirting with you? INT. CAR - NIGHT GLORIA No. I’m on my way home. (Back and forth between the Car and Luke’s Room) JAY You know, I’m kind of in the mood to have it out with him now. Did you get his license plate number or anything? GLORIA I don’t think he’s old enough to drive. Jay--let me ask you something. Do you want to hear about how my day was? JAY Absolutely. GLORIA Do you want to hear it in my voice? JAY I want to hear everything in your voice. I don’t understand half of what you’re saying, but I like the sound of it all.

32.

INT. DUNPHY HOME (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT Phil is alone. His easel is turned so the canvas is facing a wall. PHIL (announcing to the rest of the home) Everyone come here! It’s time for the art exhibit! Claire and Haley come in from the kitchen. Luke and Jay come down the stairs. JAY This should be interesting. Alex walks in through the front door. PHIL Alex. Perfect timing. ALEX Um. What did I miss? CLAIRE Long story. HALEY (to Alex) Short version: dad’s insane. LUKE But only because he’s in sanity. CLAIRE Oh. And he’s adding full-ment to Phil. Don’t forget that part. HALEY Great. That explains nothing. PHIL (addressing everyone) OK, guys. I know I’ve been acting a little weird today. JAY No weirder than usual.

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PHIL I just--I realized that I wanted to do more than sell homes. Or do magic. I mean, I’m not abandoning real estate. Or magic. Or being a gigolo. But anyways. Without further ado. Here it is. He turns around the easel and reveals the painting. (It still remains concealed to the TV viewer.) HALEY That’s... good. ALEX I’m still not clear on what’s going on right now. What exactly is full-ment? CLAIRE (to Phil) (referring to painting) I like it. I mean, I also like it when you sell $4 million in homes per day. But it’s a nice painting. JAY I gotta say. It’s a great painting. PHIL Do you mean, it, Jay? JAY Absolutely. You know what? I’d be honored if you’d let me buy it, and hang it in my home. Now, I can’t give you $4 million for it. PHIL How about 3.9 million? JAY Sold. Send me the bill. CLAIRE (to Phil) Wow. You’re really on a roll, honey. That brings you up to $7.9 million for the day. Go sell something else. Jay grabs the painting and walks towards the door.

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JAY Alex. Open the door for me. Alex opens it. Jay walks out with the painting. ALEX Hm. So. What’s for dinner? HALEY Spaghetti! INT. GYM - DAY Jay is on a rowing machine, and BOB (40) is on the machine next to his. JAY So, I tried that Zen meditation thing you taught me. But, how do I know when I’ve experienced enlightenment? Bob seems mesmerized by something. JAY Bob? BOB Sorry, Jay. I was a little distracted by that girl in tight pants. JAY That’s my wife. BOB That’s your wife? The camera reveals an attractive 40 year old WOMAN on an elliptical machine. JAY Just kidding. That’s my wife. He points to Gloria, who’s also wearing tight pants, and on another elliptical machine.