Mind Over Mood

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Mind Over Mood Feeling Better by Taking Control of Your Mind Instructor: Dave Browning Based on the Research of Dr. David D. Burns, M.D. Author of Feeling Good, The New Mood Therapy Romans 12:1,2 Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Philippians 4:4-9 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

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Overview The Triangle Thoughts Events

Feelings

Session 1 – Overview -

Scripture Cognitive Distortions Pre-Class Evaluation: o Anxiety Survey o Depression Survey

Session 2 – Reprogramming Your Mind -

Processes Tools

Sessions 3-7 – Cognitive Distortions -

Session 3: All or Nothing Thinking, Overgeneralization Session 4: Mental Filter, Discounting the Positives Session 5: Jumping to Conclusions, Magnification or Minimization, Novaco Anger Scale Session 6: Emotional Reasoning, Should Statements, Holmes/Rahe Stress Test Session 7: Labeling, Personification

Session 8 – Wrap Up -

Dysfunctional Attitude Scale Post-Class Evaluation: o Anxiety Survey o Depression Survey

3 10 Cognitive Distortions 1. All or nothing thinking: You look at things in absolute, black-andwhite categories. 2. Over generalization: You view a negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat. 3. Mental filter: You dwell on the negatives and ignore the positives. 4. Discounting the positives: You insist that your accomplishments or positive qualities don’t count. 5. Jumping to conclusions: (A) Mind-reading – you arbitrarily assume that people are reacting negatively to you; (B) Fortune-telling – you arbitrarily predict that things will turn out badly. 6. Magnification or minimization: You blow things way out of proportion or you shrink their importance. 7. Emotional reasoning: You reason from how you feel. 8. Should statements: You criticize yourself or other people with “shoulds,” “shouldn’ts,” “musts,” “oughts,” and “have tos.” 9. Labeling: Instead of saying “I made a mistake,” you tell yourself, “I’m a loser.” 10. Personalization and blame: (A) You blame yourself for something you weren’t entirely responsible for; (B) You blame other people and overlook ways that you contributed to a problem. Where does this stuff come from? • • • •

Temperament Family Personal Environment

Churches can be toxic to our mental and emotional health: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

Tendency to codify our experience Overly concerned about the purity of others Externals are easier than manage than internals Desire to approach God on our merit Uncomfortable with ambiguity (i.e. walking by faith)

4 Examples of Cognitive Distortions 1. You are a housewife, and your heart sinks when your husband has just complained disgruntledly that the roast beef was overdone. The following thought crosses your mind: “I’m a total failure. I can’t stand it! I never do anything right. I work like a slave and this is all the thanks I get! The jerk!” These thoughts cause you to feel sad and angry. Your distortions include one or more of the following: a. All-or-nothing thinking b. Overgeneralization c. Magnification d. Labeling e. All of the above 2. You have just read the sentence in which I informed you that you would have to take this self-assessment quiz. Your heart suddenly sinks and you think, “Oh no, not another test! I always do lousy on tests. I’ll have to skip this section. It makes me nervous, so it wouldn’t help anyway.” Your distortions include: a. Jumping to conclusions b. Overgeneralization c. All-or-nothing thinking d. Personalization e. Emotional reasoning 3. You are a Psychiatrist at the University of Pennsylvania. You are attempting to revise your manuscript on depression after meeting with your editor in New York. Although your editor seemed extremely enthusiastic, you notice you are feeling nervous and inadequate due to your thoughts, “They made a terrible mistake when they chose my book! I won’t be able to do a good job. I’ll never be able to make the book fresh, lively, punchy. My writing is too drab, and my ideas aren’t good enough.” Your cognitive distortions include: a. All-or-nothing thinking b. Jumping to conclusions c. Mental filter d. Disqualifying the positive e. Magnification

5 4. You are lonely and you decide to attend a social affair for singles. Soon after you get there, you have the urge to leave because you feel anxious and defensive. The following thoughts run through your mind: “They probably aren’t very interesting people. Why torture myself? They’re just a bunch of losers. I can tell because I feel so bored. This party will be a drag.” Your errors involve: a. Labeling b. Magnification c. Jumping to conclusions d. Emotional reasoning e. Personalization 5. You receive a layoff notice from your employer. Your feel mad and frustrated. You think, “This proves the world is no good. I never get a break.” Your distortions include: a. All-or-nothing thinking b. Disqualifying the positive c. Mental filter d. Personalization e. Should statements 6. You are about to give a lecture and you notice your heart is pounding. You feel tense and nervous because you think, “I’ll probably forget what I’m supposed to say. My speech isn’t any good anyway. My mind will blank out. I’ll make a fool of myself.” Your thinking errors involve: a. All-or-nothing thinking b. Disqualifying the positive c. Jumping to conclusions d. Minimization e. Labeling 7. Your date calls you at the last minute to cancel out because of illness. You feel angry and disappointed because you think, “I’m getting jilted. What did I do to foul things up?” Your thinking errors include: a. All-or-nothing thinking b. Should statements c. Jumping to conclusions d. Personalization e. Overgeneralization

6 8. You have put off writing a report for work. Every night when you try to get down to it, the whole project seems so difficult that you watch TV instead. You begin to feel overwhelmed and guilty. You are thinking the following: “I’m so lazy I’ll never get this done. I just can’t do it. It would take forever. It won’t turn out right anyway.” Your thinking errors include: a. Jumping to conclusions b. Overgeneralization c. Labeling d. Magnification e. Emotional reasoning 9. After feeling better mid-way through this class, you suddenly begin to feel worse. You feel disillusioned, hopeless, bitter, and desperate due to thinking, “I’m not getting anywhere. These methods won’t help me after all. I should be well by now. That ‘improvement’ was a fluke. I was fooling myself when I thought I was feeling better. I’ll never get well. Your cognitive distortions include: a. Disqualifying the positive b. Should statements c. Emotional reasoning d. All-or-nothing thinking e. Jumping to conclusions 10. You’ve been trying to diet. This weekend you’ve been nervous, and, since you didn’t have anything to do, you’ve been nibbling, nibbling. After your fourth piece of candy, you tell yourself, “I just can’t control myself. My dieting and jogging all week have gone down the drain. I must look like a balloon. I shouldn’t have eaten that. I can’t stand this. I’m going to pig out all weekend!” You begin to feel so guilty you push another handful of candy into your mouth in an abortive attempt to feel better. Your distortions include: a. All-or-nothing thinking b. Mislabeling c. Negative prediction d. Should statements e. Disqualifying the positive

7 Burns Anxiety Inventory Not at all = 0

Somewhat = 1

Moderately = 2

A Lot = 3

Anxious Feelings 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6.

Anxiety, nervousness, worry, or fear Feeling that things around you are strange, unreal, or foggy Feeling detached from all or part of your body Sudden unexpected panic spells Apprehension or a sense of impending doom Feeling tense, stressed, “uptight,” or on edge

Anxious Thoughts 1. Difficulty concentrating 2. Racing thoughts or having your mind jump from one thing to the next 3. Frightening fantasies or daydreams 4. Feeling that you’re on the verge of losing control 5. Fears of cracking up or going crazy 6. Fears of fainting or passing out 7. Fears of physical illnesses or heart attacks or dying 8. Concerns about looking foolish or inadequate in front of others 9. Fears of being alone, isolated, or abandoned 10. Fears of criticism or disapproval 11. Fear that something terrible is about to happen Physical Symptoms 1. Skipping or racing or pounding of the heart (palpitations) 2. Pain, pressure, or tightness in the chest 3. Tingling or numbness in the toes or fingers 4. Butterflies or discomfort in the stomach 5. Constipation or diarrhea 6. Restlessness or jumpiness 7. Tight, tense muscles 8. Sweating not brought on by heat 9. A lump in the throat 10. Trembling or shaking 11. Rubbery or “jelly” legs 12. Feeling dizzy, lightheaded, or off balance 13. Choking or smothering sensations or difficulty breathing 14. Headaches or pains in the neck or back 15. Hot flashes or cold chills 16. Feeling tired, weak, or easily exhausted Degree of Anxiety 0-4 5-10 11-20 21-30 31-50 51-99

Minimal or no anxiety Borderline anxiety Mild anxiety Moderate anxiety Severe anxiety Extreme anxiety or panic

8 Burns Depression Checklist Not at all = 0

Somewhat = 1

Moderately = 2

A Lot = 3

1. Sadness: Have you been feeling sad or down in the dumps? 2. Discouragement: Does the future look hopeless? 3. Low self-esteem: Do you feel worthless or think of yourself as a failure? 4. Inferiority: Do you feel inadequate or inferior to others? 5. Guilt: Do you get self-critical and blame yourself for everything? 6. Indecisiveness: Do you have trouble making up your mind about things? 7. Irritability and frustration: Have you been feeling resentful and angry a good deal of the time? 8. Loss of interest in life: Have you lost interest in your career, your hobbies, your family, or your friends? 9. Loss of motivation: Do you feel overwhelmed and have to push yourself to do hard things? 10. Poor self-image: Do you think you’re looking old or unattractive? 11. Appetite changes: Have you lost your appetite? Or do you overeat or binge compulsively? 12. Sleep changes: Do you suffer from insomnia and find it hard to get a good night’s sleep? Or are you excessively tired and sleeping too much? 13. Loss of libido: Have you lost your interest in sex? 14. Hypochondriasis: Do you worry a great deal about your health? 15. Suicidal impulses: Do you have thoughts that life is not worth living or think that you might be better off dead? Degree of Depression 0-4 5-10 11-20 21-30 31-45

Minimal or no depression Borderline depression Mild depression Moderate depression Severe depression

9 15 Ways to Untwist Your Thinking “…Be transformed by the renewing of your mind….” (Romans 12:2)

1. Identify the Distortions 2. The StraightForward Approach 3. The Cost-Benefit Analysis 4. Examine the Evidence 5. The Survey Method 6. The Experimental Technique 7. The Double Standard Technique 8. The Pleasure Predicting Method 9. The Vertical Arrow Technique 10. Thinking in Shades of Gray 11. Define Terms 12. Be Specific 13. The Semantic Method 14. Re-Attribution 15. The Acceptance Paradox

Use the list of cognitive distortions and write down the distortions in each negative thought. Substitute a more positive and realistic thought. List the advantages and disadvantages of a negative feeling, thought, belief, or behavior. Instead of assuming that a negative thought is true, examine the actual evidence for it. Do a survey to find out if your thoughts and attitudes are realistic. Do an experiment to test the validity of your negative thought. Talk to yourself in the same compassionate way you might talk to a dear friend who was upset. Predict how satisfying activities will be from 0% to 100%. Record how satisfying they turn out. Draw a vertical arrow under your negative thought and ask why it would be upsetting if it were true. Instead of thinking about your problems in black-or-white categories, evaluate things in shades of gray. When you label yourself as “inferior” or “a loser,” ask yourself what you mean by these labels. Stick with reality and avoid judgments about reality. Substitute language that is less emotionally loaded (useful for should statements and labeling). Instead of blaming yourself for a problem, think about all the factors that may have contributed to it. Instead of defending yourself against your own selfcriticisms, find truth in them and accept them.

10 Ten Biblical Ideas to Keep us from Distorted Thinking 1. God is holy; we are not (1 Peter 1:16). 2. God loves us in spite of who we are and what we do; not because of whom we are or what we do (Romans 5:8). 3. Our relationship with God continues to be based on his grace, not our works (Acts 13:43). 4. God makes a distinction between who we are and what we’ve done (John 8:11). 5. Spiritual maturity is a process that will not be complete until we get to heaven (Philippians 1:6). 6. Spirituality is about the presence of positives, not merely the absence of negatives (Galatians 5:22,23). 7. Balance is key to Christlikeness (John 1:14). 8. God has given us freedom within the framework of his clearly revealed moral will (Galatians 5:1). 9. God is spirit and does not fit into man-made forms and structures (John 4:24). 10. God knows our hearts and is the ultimate judge (2 Corinthians 5:10).

11 A Fable of Perspective Once upon a time there was an old man who owned a beautiful horse. No one else in the entire kingdom had a horse as beautiful as this one, not even the king. Neighbors pleaded with the old man to sell the horse, since he was very poor and could have easily lived off the proceeds, but he refused. The townspeople said to the old man: “You are blessed to have such a beautiful horse. No one else is as blessed as you are.” The old man replied, “Do not say that I have been blessed or cursed. Say only that I have a beautiful horse. Only God knows.” One day, when the old man went out into his field to be with his horse he noticed that the horse was gone. He also noticed that a portion of his fence was broken down. The townspeople came to the old man and said, “You are cursed. No one can be as cursed as you are, to have such a beautiful horse run away.” The old man replied, “Do not say that I have been blessed or cursed. Say only that I had a beautiful horse that ran away. Only God knows.” Days went by, as the townspeople continued to remind the man of his loss, until one afternoon, he heard the sound of hoof beats, heading toward his cottage. He opened the front door to see his beautiful horse leading a dozen wild stallions into his field. Once again, the townspeople gathered around, and said, “You are blessed. No one is as blessed as you are. You lose one horse, only to gain that horse again, plus 12 wild stallions. You are blessed beyond your wildest dreams.” The old man replied, “Do not say that I have been blessed or cursed. Say only that my beautiful horse has returned, and brought 12 wild stallions with him. Only God knows.” The man’s son began to break the wild horses so that they could sell them to the townspeople. Then one day, in an accident, the son was bucked off the horse and landed on his back, paralyzing him from the waist down. When the townspeople heard about this, they gathered at the old man’s home to commiserate with him: “Old man, you are cursed. These wild horses have permanently injured your only son. No one is as cursed as you.” Once again, the old man replied, “Do not say that I have been blessed or cursed. Say only that my only son was permanently injured while breaking the horses. Only God knows.” There came a day when the village went to war with a neighboring land. The battle would no doubt be costly to the villagers, since the neighboring land had a large army with many weapons. All the men of the village were conscripted to go…all except one man, who was unable to walk. The townspeople came to the old man and bemoaned their lot. They said, “You are blessed. Our sons will most surely die in battle. You will still have your son with you. No one is as blessed as you. The old man replied, “Do not say that I have been blessed or cursed. Say only that my son is still with me. Only God knows.”

12 The Triple-Column Technique Suppose you are late for a meeting…. Automatic Thought

Cognitive Distortion

Rational Response

I never do anything right

Overgeneralization

Nonsense! I do a lot of things right.

I’m always late

Overgeneralization

I’m not always late. If I’m late more than I’d like, I’ll work on this problem.

Everyone will look down on me

Mind Reading Overgeneralization All or Nothing Fortune Telling

Someone may be disappointed that I’m late but it’s not the end of the world.

This shows what a jerk I am

Labeling

Come on, now. I’m not a jerk.

I’ll make a fool of myself

Labeling Fortune Telling

I’m not a fool. I may appear foolish, but this doesn’t make me a fool.

Practice: 1. I’m basically lazy. 2. I should have helped Johnny with his homework. 3. This means I’ll never get a job. 4. Everyone can see what an insensitive person I am. 5. They’ll probably kick me out of the program.

13 Daily Mood Log (example) Step One: Describe the Upsetting Event: I inadvertently let Lucy use her brother’s toothbrush. Now I feel tormented and can’t sleep. Step Two: Record your Negative Feelings, and Rate Them: 1. Anxious 2. Guilty

90 75

Step Three: The Triple Column Technique: Automatic Thought

Cognitive Distortion

Rational Response

If Lucy gets a sore throat it will be my fault If Freddy finds out, he will be angry with me.

Practice: Joe is late coming home from work; you get angry and think, “Joe’s never on time. What a jerk! If he cared about me, he wouldn’t be so late. He should be home by now.” Daily Mood Log (practice) Step One: Describe the Upsetting Event: Step Two: Record your Negative Feelings, and Rate Them:

Step Three: The Triple Column Technique: Automatic Thought

Cognitive Distortion

Rational Response

14 Daily Record of Dysfunctional Thoughts Situation

Emotions

Automatic Thoughts

Cognitive Distortions

Rational Responses

Outcome

Customer hangs up.

I stayed in bed all day.

Pastor seemed to be looking at me during the sermon.

The But-Rebuttal Method Debate the issue in your own mind; for example, But Column

But Rebuttal Column

I really should mow the lawn, But I’m just not in the mood.

I’ll feel more like it once I get started. When I’m done I’ll feel terrific.

But now it’s so long it would take forever.

It won’t take that much extra time with the power mower. I can always do a part of it now.

But I’m too tired.

So just do some of it and rest.

I’d rather rest now and watch TV.

I can, but I won’t feel very good about it, knowing this chore is handing over my head.

But I’m just too lazy to do it today.

That can’t be true. I’ve done it on numerous occasions in the past.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Practice: I could cut down on my smoking, but I don’t have that kind of self discipline.

15 The Pleasure-Predicting Sheet Activity

Predicted Satisfaction

Actual Satisfaction

Work on project

70%

75%

Long walk after breakfast

40%

85%

Roller skating

50%

90%

Cost-Benefit Analysis The attitude or belief I want to change: I must have everybody’s approval to be happy and worthwhile. Advantages of believing this:

Disadvantages of believing this:

1. It will feel good when people approve of me. 2. I’ll work hard to make people Like me. 3. I’ll be very sensitive to other people’s feelings.

1. I’ll feel lousy when people don’t like me or approve of me. 2. Other people control my self-esteem. 3. People may not respect me in the long run if I don’t stand up for what I believe. 4. I may be less sensitive to other people because I’ll be worried about criticism or conflict.

16 Distortion #1: All or Nothing Thinking. You look at things in absolute, blackand-white categories. You tend to have only 2 files in your mind: Good and Bad/OK and not OK. There are no gray areas, no in-betweens. If we are not careful, we can look at our kids, jobs, churches, and lives in this way. …Refers to your tendency to evaluate your personal qualities in extreme, blackor-white categories. For example, a prominent politician told me, "Because I lost the race for governor, I'm a zero." A straight-A student who received a B on an exam concluded, "Now I'm a total failure." All-or-Nothing Thinking forms the basis for perfectionism. It causes you to fear any mistake or imperfection because you will then see yourself as a complete loser, and you will feel inadequate an worthless.

This way of evaluating things is unrealistic because life is rarely completely either one way or the other. For example, no one is absolutely brilliant or totally stupid. Similarly, no one is either completely attractive or totally ugly. Look at the floor of the room you are sitting in now. Is it perfectly clean? Is every inch piled high with dust and dirt? Or is it partially clean? Absolutes do not exist in this universe. If you try to force your experiences into absolute categories, you will be constantly depressed because your perceptions will not conform to reality. You will set yourself up for discrediting yourself endlessly because whatever you do will never measure up to your exaggerated expectations. The technical name for this type of perceptual error is "dichotomous thinking." You see everything as black and or white -- shades of gray do not exist. Perfectionism is driven by a sense of inadequacy. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure. Two cows were in a pasture when they saw a milk truck pass. On the side of the truck were the words: “Pasteurized, homogenized, standardized, Vitamin A added.” One cow sighed and said to the other, “Makes you feel sort of inadequate, doesn’t it?” There is such a thing as a pocket perfectionist. It is possible for them to maybe be perfectionistic in one area, such as their school work or how they dress. But their desk or their bedroom is a mess. Agree or Disagree? 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

If you cannot do something well, there is little point in doing it at all. It is shameful for a person to display his weaknesses. A person should try to be the best at everything he undertakes. I should be upset if I make a mistake. If I don’t set the highest standards for myself, I am likely to end up a second-rate person.

17 Spotting Warning Words As an ongoing way of perceiving reality, All or Nothing thinking is emotionally and physically damaging. If you spot yourself using this style, challenge yourself to think differently. There are particular words that people often use when thinking in this way. You can learn to spot them. Always Impossible Ruined

Never Awful Disastrous

Perfect Terrible Furious

Of course, thinking and talking in an 'All or Nothing' way is much more emotionally exciting, and so may be difficult to give up. However, we all talk like this at times, particularly when excited or angry. To look at how we can begin to incorporate the "gray", take for example a child failing a math exam. They could say to themselves: “I'm just plain stupid!” or they could say: “I'm bad at math but I'm pretty good at English” (or sport, art, making people laugh or whatever it happens to be). The first statement is Black or White while the second focuses on lots of different elements and is not indicative of depressive thinking. Distortion #2: Overgeneralization. You see a single negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat. You get in a car accident and tell your friend, “I can’t drive a car.” You have a friendship go sideways and you conclude: “I must not be very good at relationships.” You spill your coffee and think, “This always happens to me.” Or you think of others…. “All the lawyers are crooks.” “It’s a mad world.” “Politicians are all fools (or liars, or thieves, or corrupted).” “Rich people are greedy.” Overgeneralization is when you make the assumption that if something happens once, it will always happen for ever after. You go for a job and don’t get it. Overgeneralization makes you conclude “I’ll never get any job. It’s completely hopeless”. Overgeneralization multiplies the pain of setbacks or rejections many times. You could look at a setback as just an isolated event, but instead you interpret it as a message from the universe that all your endeavors are doomed. Overgeneralization can happen in spite of all the evidence. David Burns tells about the depressed salesman who noticed bird dung on his car window and

18 thought, “That’s just my luck. The birds are always crapping on my window!”. When asked he could not think of another time in the last twenty years when this had happened. By becoming aware of when you are overgeneralizing, and challenging it (for instance by asking whether it is true that something “always” or “never” happens) you can begin to overcome it. More Realistic Paradigms than “All or Nothing” or “Overgeneralization.” 1. Both/And…two things can be true at the same time. Martin Luther: “I am simultaneously saint and sinner.” 2. Shades of gray (or percentages)…it is not completely one way, or another. 3. Combinations…two different things may be true in some combination. • • • • • •

Can I be basically an intelligent person and still do something stupid? Can I love my children and still get angry with them sometimes? Can my partner love me but sometimes be insensitive? Can one part of my life be difficult and other parts be easier and more enjoyable? Can a part of my life be difficult now but in the future get easier? Can some parts of an experience (such as a social engagement or vacation) be awful and other parts of it be OK?

Why it’s Great to be Able to Make Mistakes 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

A small mistake doesn’t ruin an otherwise fine whole. We won’t learn unless we make mistakes. Recognizing our mistakes helps us adjust our behavior. If we fear making mistakes we become paralyzed. Most people are not going to be mad at us or dislike us because we make mistakes. 6. We don’t die if we make mistakes. Syllogism of Humanness 1. Human beings mess up from time to time 2. I am a human being 3. I will mess up from time to time

19 Know the Difference Between Conviction and Condemnation Holy Spirit talks to us about Satan talks to us about

what we’ve done who we are

- Action - Character

Talk Back to Your Inner Perfectionist (or Critical Chorus) Len is a musician who is depressed because he feels as though he is a “secondrate” musician. From childhood he felt he needed to be a genius musician in order to be appreciated. Automatic Thoughts

Rational Responses

1. If I’m not the greatest it means it means I won’t get any attention from people.

1. Whether or not I am “the greatest,” people will listen to me, they will see me perform, and many will respond positively.

2. But everybody doesn’t like the kind of music I play.

2. This is true of all musicians, even Beethoven or Bob Dylan. No musician can please everybody. If I enjoy my music, then that should be enough.

3. But how can I enjoy my music if I know I’m not the greatest?

3. By playing music that turns me on, just as I always have! Besides, there’s no such thing as “the world’s greatest musician” so stop trying to be it.

4. But if I were more famous then I’d have more fans.

4. How many fans do I need before I’m happy?

5. It seems like the big stars are loved.

5. Other people are loved who are just “average” in their work.

20 Practice Talking Back: “I didn’t do an excellent job on that assignment.”

“I’ll be letting them down if I don’t make it to their party.”

“If my kids don’t get good grades it will ruin my reputation as a parent.”

“What a lousy day!”

“This meal I cooked really turned out terrible.”

“I’m too old.”

“Nobody loves me.”

“I’m a failure.”

“My career is over the hill.”

“My lecture was a flop.”

“My boyfriend doesn’t like me.”

21 A Terrible Thing to Waste You might remember an old anti-drug commercial that said, “A mind is a terrible thing to waste.” Of all the assets we’ve been given our minds are one of the most precious. The Bible asks us to maximize this asset, by bringing our minds into greater focus and clarity. Romans 12:2 instructs us to make the most of our minds, because: 1. The battle is fought and won in the mind. Romans 12:2 Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is — his good, pleasing and perfect will. Both the world and God want your mind. The world is trying to conform your mind. God is trying to transform your mind. 2. Our minds are our responsibility. Romans 12:2 is a directive – the subject of the verse may not be apparent because it’s the person being addressed. It’s you. Romans 12:2 [You] Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but [You] be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is — his good, pleasing and perfect will. Many of us are far too passive when it comes to our minds. Some of us have had absolute garbage….images, words, stories….enter our minds. We also have tolerated cognitive distortions far too long. Martin Luther said, you can’t keep the birds from flying over your head, but you can keep them from building a nest in your hair. The care and feeding of our minds is our responsibility. 3. When you transform your mind, you transform your life. Our minds hold the key to what we’ll become spiritually. Romans 12:2 Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is — his good, pleasing and perfect will.

22 Transformation follows renewal of the mind (“transformed by the renewing”). And it’s when your mind is renewed that God’s will is tested and approved (“then you will be able to test and approve….”). It reminds me of what is said in Hebrews 11: “By faith we understand.” The faith comes first, then the understanding. The renewal comes first, then God’s will passes the test. When our minds are right, God’s will looks beautiful. You may have to get your head in the right place to enjoy God’s will. Imagine that you were raised to believe that banana splits are terrible. Whenever you see a banana split you have a reaction. But really there is nothing wrong. Your mind just needs to be reprogrammed to fit reality. In a similar way, early on, Satan starts to fill your mind with distortions about God’s will (“God doesn’t love you. You can’t give your life to God, His demands are unreasonable.”) When your mind is renewed, you understand God’s will is good, pleasing and perfect. How to Renew Your Mind 1. Submit your mind Romans 12:1,2 Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God — this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is — his good, pleasing and perfect will. God wants us to give all of ourselves to him (“your bodies”). But he wants us to start with our minds (“your minds”). Every day, give your mind to God. 2. Protect your mind Philippians 4:6-8 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things. For your own protection, there is a grid that thoughts need to be poured through. Don’t just think anything you want to think. Think things that align with Philippians 4:8.

23 When you get troubling thoughts, reflect or journal about things that are: True: Noble: Right: Pure: Lovely: Admirable: Excellent: Praiseworthy:

The Keeper of the Keys You are the Keeper of the Keys You are the Guard at the Gate Waiting in line to get through that door Is love. And also hate. In line to enter is gentle peace. And also violent war. You must choose who may, and who May not come through that door. Intolerance tries to sneak through On wings of fear, or pride. It hides behind dreams of belonging, And tries to sneak inside. Oh! Be alert! You’re the Guard who decides Who goes and who may stay. You are The Keeper of the Keys to Your Mind. Who will you let in today? 2 Corinthians 10:5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

24 3. Change your mind 2 Timothy 2:7 Reflect on what I am saying, for the Lord will give you insight into all this. The insight comes when we reflect. We need to take the time to reflect on what and how we are thinking. G.K. Chesterton Break out of this tiny and tawdry theatre in which your own little plot is always being played, and find yourself under a freer sky, in a street full of splendid strangers. Stephen Covey, First Things First Close your eyes and visualize yourself in some circumstance that would normally create discomfort or pain. Something pushes your button. Your boss yells at you. Your teenage daughter complains that you never buy her any clothes. Your coworker starts a vicious rumor about you. Use your self-awareness to separate yourself from your normal thoughts and feelings the situation would create. In your mind’s eye, instead of seeing yourself react as you might normally do, see yourself act based on the principles you are convinced will create quality-of-life results. See yourself interacting with others in a way that combines courage and consideration.

As we reach the half way point of our class, Mind Over Mood, what changes is God already asking you to make to your thinking?

25 Distortion #3: Mental filter: You dwell on the negatives and ignore the positives. You pick out a negative detail in any situation and dwell on it exclusively, thus perceiving that the whole situation is negative. For example, a depressed college student heard some other students making fun of her best friend. She became furious because she was thinking, “That’s what the human race is basically like –cruel and insensitive!” She was overlooking the fact that in the previous months few people, in any, had been cruel or insensitive to her! On another occasion when she completed her first midterm exam, she felt certain she had missed approximately seventeen questions out of a hundred. She thought exclusively about those seventeen questions and concluded she would flunk out of college. When she got the paper back there was a note attached that read, “You got 83 out of 100 correct. This was by far the highest grade of any student this year. A+” When you are depressed, you wear a pair of eyeglasses with special lenses that filter out anything positive. All that you allow to enter your conscious mind is negative. Because you are not aware of this “filtering process,” you conclude that everything is negative. The technical name for this process is “selective abstraction.” It is a bad habit that can cause you to suffer much needless anguish. Examples of Mental Filter 1. You receive many positive comments about your presentation to a group of associates at work, but one of them says something mildly critical. You obsess about his reaction for days and ignore all positive feedback. Can you relate to this?

2. You work hard all day long, but when you come to the end of the day you think, “There’s always so much work left at the end of the day! Do you do this?

3. You begin an interview feeling nervous, but then become more at ease as the conversation goes along. After the interview, you tell your friends, “I don’t think it went well. I was so nervous!” Have you done this?

26 List A What is a negative attribute of your physical makeup?

What is a negative attribute of your personality?

What is a negative attribute of your parents?

What is a negative attribute of your work?

What is a negative attribute of your house or apartment?

What is a negative attribute of your town?

What is a negative attribute of your country?

List B What is a positive attribute of your physical makeup?

What is a positive attribute of your personality?

What is a positive attribute of your parents?

What is a positive attribute of your work?

What is a positive attribute of your house or apartment?

What is a positive attribute of your town?

What is a positive attribute of your country?

27 Distortion #4: Discounting the positives: You insist that your accomplishments or positive qualities don’t count. An even more spectacular mental illusion is the persistent tendency of some depressed individuals to transform neutral or even positive experiences into negative ones. You don’t just ignore positive experiences; you cleverly and swiftly turn them into their nightmarish opposite. I call this “reverse alchemy.” The medieval alchemists dreamed of finding dome method for transmuting the baser metals into gold. If you have been depressed, you may have developed the talent for doing the exact opposite – you can instantly transform golden joy into emotional lead. Not intentionally, however – you’re probably not even aware of what you’re doing to yourself. An everyday example of this would be the way most of us have been conditioned to respond to compliments. When someone praises your appearance or your work, you might automatically tell yourself, “They’re just being nice.” With one swift blow you mentally disqualify their compliment. You do the same thing to them when you tell them, “Oh, it was nothing, really.” It you constantly throw cold water on the good things that happen, no wonder life seem damp and chilly to you! Disqualifying the positive is one of the most destructive forms of cognitive distortion. You’re like a scientist intent on finding evidence to support some pet hypothesis. The hypothesis that dominates your depressive thinking is usually some version of “I’m second-rate.” Whenever you have a negative experience, you dwell on it and conclude, “That proves what I’ve known all along.” In contrast, when you have a positive experience, you tell yourself, “That was a fluke. It doesn't count.” The price you pay for this tendency is intense misery and an inability to appreciate the good things that happen. While this type of cognitive distortion is commonplace it can also form the basis for some of the most extreme and intractable forms of depression. For example, a young woman hospitalized during a severe depressive episode told me, “No one could possibly care about me because I’m such an awful person. I’m a complete loner. Not one person on earth cares about me.” When she was discharged from the hospital, many patients and staff members expressed great fondness for her. Can you guess how she negated all this? “They don’t count because they don’t see me in the real world. A real person outside a hospital could never care about me.” I then asked her how she reconciled this with the fact that she had numerous friends and family who did care about her. She replied, “They don’t count because they don’t know the real me. You see Dr. Burns, inside I’m absolutely rotten. I’m the worst person in the world. It would be impossible for anyone to really like me for even one moment!” By disqualifying positive experiences in this manner, she can maintain a negative belief, which is clearly unrealistic and inconsistent with her everyday experiences. While your negative thinking is probably not as extreme as hers, there may be many times every day when you do inadvertently ignore genuinely positive things that have happened to you. This removes much of life’s richness and makes things appear needlessly bleak.

28 Discounting the positive takes the joy out of life and makes you feel inadequate and unrewarded. “I don’t really have anything to offer. He probably has a lot of applicants who are much better than I am.” “It really wasn’t that great of an effort. Anyone could have done as well as I did.” “I’m not a very good father. I’m sometimes irritable around my kids.” “Fran doesn’t really care about me. She just feels sorry for me.” According to Philippians 4:8 we not only cannot afford to discount the positives, we must actively meditate on them! “Think on these things!” In a Social Setting Sometimes we feel insecure and self-conscious around a group of people. We may even go to great lengths to avoid social situations. Imagine that your friend recently asked you to go shopping with some friends who were visiting from California. You felt panicky and wanted to back out. You wrote down your “automatic thoughts” on the Daily Mood Log: 1. 2. 3. 4.

I will not know what to talk about. I will feel so stupid. His friends will think I’m not very interesting. When I speak they will stare at me and think that what I have to say doesn’t count. 5. I will feel so tense that I won’t be able to walk and talk freely. 6. I shouldn’t feel this way! What’s wrong with me? 7. I’ll never change. There is an obvious connection between what you are thinking and what you are feeling. What are the distortions in your thinking? First, this is a prime example of fortune-telling. These negative predictions often function as self-fulfilling prophecies. You are also making a “should” statement. You are pressuring yourself that you must come up with things that are witty and entertaining to be liked by others. A third distortion would be “discounting the positive.” If you were to go on this trip, you would find things to talk about, and you would ask questions to get to know others better. Bottom line: the ordinary you, that God created, is likeable and lovable. So focus on the positive!

29 The Physiology of the Brain When we speak of our mind, we are speaking of something immaterial (spiritual, intellectual, relational) and material (muscle, physical). Marcus Buckingham, in his book Now Discover Your Strengths, discusses the physiology of the brain: The brain is an odd organ in that it seems to grow backward. Your liver, your kidneys, and, thankfully, your skin all start small and become gradually larger until they reach the appropriate adult size. With your brain, the opposite happens. Your brain gets very big quickly and then shrinks and shrinks into adulthood. Most bizarre of all, as your brain becomes smaller and smaller, you become smarter and smarter. The secret to making sense of this topsy-turvy organ can be found in what is called a “synapse.” A synapse is a connection between two brain cells that enables the cells (also called neurons) to communicate with one another. These synapses are your threads, and you need to know about them because, as it says in one neurology textbook, “Behavior depends on the formation off appropriate interconnections among neurons of the brain.” Put more plainly, your synapses create your talents. So how are your synaptic connections made? Forty-two days after you are conceived, your brain experiences a four-month growth spurt. Actually, the word “spurt” doesn’t do justice to the sheer scale of what happens. On your forty-second day you create your first neuron, and 120 days later you have a hundred billion of them. That’s a staggering 9500 new neurons every second. But once this explosion dies down, much of the neuron drama is over. You have a hundred billion when you are born, and you have about that many up until late middle age. Elsewhere in your brain, however, the real drama, the synapse drama, is just beginning. Sixty days before your birth your neurons start trying to communicate with one another. Each neuron reaches out – literally “reaches out” a strand called an axon – and attempts to make a connection. Whenever a successful connection is made, a synapse is formed, and during the first three years of your life, your neurons prove phenomenally successful at making these connections. In fact, by the age of three each of your hundred billion neurons has formed fifteen thousand synaptic connections with other neurons. Just to be clear, that’s fifteen thousand connections for each of your hundred billion neurons. Your pattern of threads extensive, intricate, and unique, is woven. But then something strange happens. For some reason nature now prompts you to ignore a lot of your carefully woven threads. As with most things, threads that are neglected fall into disrepair, and so across your network connections start to break. You become so inattentive to parts of your mental network that between the ages of three and fifteen you lose billions and billions of the carefully forged synaptic connections. By the time you wake up on your sixteenth birthday, half your network is gone.

30 Romans 12 speaks of "renewing the mind" as key to spiritual transformation. But what exactly does this mean? It means re-channeling and re-grooving our minds so that thoughts and feelings naturally follow the narrow path of Christ. There is a physiological reprogramming that needs to happen for people's minds, as there are ruts carved out in childhood. Consider the following from Buckingham’s First Break All the Rules. By the time the child reaches her third birthday the number of successful connections made is colossal - up to fifteen thousand synaptic connections for each of its one hundred billion neurons. But this is too many. She is overloaded with the volume of information whirling around inside her head. She needs to make sense of it all. Her sense. So during the next ten years or so, he brain refines and focuses its network of connections. The stronger synaptic connections become stronger still. The weaker ones wither away. Dr. Harry Chugani, professor of neurology at Wayne State University Medical School, likens this pruning process to a highway system: "Roads with the most traffic get widened. The ones that are rarely used fall into disrepair." Scientists are still arguing about what causes some mental highways to be used more regularly than others. Some contend that the child's genetic inheritance predisposes her toward certain mental pathways. Other claim that the way she is raised has a significant effect on which pathways will survive the Darwinian pruning and which will die. These views are not mutually exclusive. But whatever their nature-nurture bias, few disagree on the outcome of this mental pruning. By the time the child reaches her early teens, she has half as many synaptic connections as she did when she was three. Her brain has carved out a unique network of connections. She has some beautiful, frictionless, traffic-free, four-lane highways, where the connections are smooth and strong. And she has some barren wastelands, where no signal at all makes it across. If she ends up with a four-lane highway for empathy, she will feel every emotion for those around her as though it were her own. By contrast, if she has a wasteland for empathy, she will be emotionally blind, forever saying the wrong thing at the wrong time to the wrong person – not out of malice, but simply out of an inability to pick up the frequency of the emotional signals being sent. Likewise if she has a four-lane highway for confrontation, she will be that lucky person whose brain just hands her one perfect word after another during the heat of a debate. If she has a wasteland for confrontation, she will find that her brain always shuts her mouth down at the most crucial moments.

As Christians, we are in the de-programming/re-programming business. We are getting people’s minds off “the broad road” that leads to destruction, and onto the path that leads to life. Mental models that have been constructed often need to be torn down. Instead there needs to be a four-lane highway developed of love, joy, peace, etc. (the fruit of the Spirit).

31 Distortion #5: Jumping to conclusions: a. Mind-reading – you arbitrarily assume that people are reacting negatively to you; b. Fortune-telling – you arbitrarily predict that things will turn out badly. Mind Reading: You make the assumption that other people are looking down on you, and you’re so convinced about this that you don’t even bother to check it out. This self-defeating pattern may set up a negative interaction in a relationship when none exists in the first place. Example 1: Suppose you are giving an excellent lecture, and you notice that a man in the front row is nodding off. He was up most of the night on a wild fling, but you of course don’t know this. You might have the thought, “This audience thinks I am a bore.” Example 2: Suppose a friend passes you on the street and fails to say hello because he is so absorbed in his thoughts he doesn’t notice you. You might erroneously conclude, “He is ignoring me so he must not like me anymore.” Example 3: Perhaps your spouse is unresponsive one evening because he or she was criticized at work and is too upset to want to talk about it. Your heart sinks because of the way you interpret the silence: “He (or she) is mad at me. What did I do wrong?” The Fortune–Teller Error: You imagine that something bad is about to happen, and you take this prediction as a fact even though it is unrealistic. Example 1: A high-school librarian repeatedly told herself during anxiety attacks, “I’m going to pass out or go crazy.” These predictions were unrealistic because she had never once passed out (or gone crazy) in her entire life. Example 2: During a therapy session an acutely depressed physician explained why he was giving up his practice: “I realize I’ll be depressed forever. My misery will go on and on, and I’m absolutely convinced that this or any treatment will be doomed to failure.” His improvement soon after initiating therapy indicated just how off-base his fortune telling had been.

32 Evaluate for Conclusion Jumping: 1. You telephone a friend and he fails to return your call after a reasonable time. You then feel depressed when you tell yourself that your friend probably got the message but wasn’t interested enough to call you back. You don’t call back, because you think, “He’ll think I’m obnoxious if I call him back again.” What are the errors here? What would be healthier thinking? 2. You are asked to bake a pie for a church function. You reply, “I can’t. I can’t cook anymore.” What is the error here? What would be healthier thinking? 3. You get hot at your husband when he chooses to stay home and watch a football game on TV rather than go to a concert with you. You feel miffed because you told yourself, “He doesn’t love me. He always gets his way. It’s unfair.” What are the errors here? What would be healthier thinking? James 4:11-17 Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you --who are you to judge your neighbor? Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins. If we jump to conclusions about our brothers or our future we are in an area for which we are not qualified. We don’t have enough information. Only God does.

33 Look Before You Leap 1. At the People involved (v.11) Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. “brothers”

- assume the best, not the worst

2. At the Principles involved (vv.11,12) When we speak against a brother, we attempt to: 1) Do something that God has asked us not to do Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it (11b). slander speak against

kata laleo (not reasoned) - wagging your tongue kata lego (more reasoned) - deliberate judging

2) Do something that God himself is to do There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and Destroy (12a). 3) Do something that we are not equipped to do But you --who are you to judge your neighbor? (12b) 3. At the Presumption involved (vv.13-17) 1) We don’t have control over our own lives, much less someone else’s. Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. (13,14) 2) God does have control over our lives, and theirs. You ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." (15)

34 Distortion #6: Magnification or minimization: You blow things way out of proportion or you shrink their importance. Dr. Burns refers to this as the “binocular trick.” When you look at your own errors, fears, or imperfections you exaggerate their importance. You “catastrophize” commonplace negative events into nightmarish monsters. When you think about your strengths you turn the binoculars around so that things look small and insignificant. If you magnify your imperfections and minimize your good points you are sure to feel inferior. But the problem isn’t you, it’s the crazy lens you are wearing! Example 1: You are waiting for a bus and you have an important meeting. You tell yourself, “I can’t take this!” Example 2: Someone criticizes you. You get upset and think, “I never do anything right.” Example 3: You are asked how your business is doing. You say, “We’re in trouble. There’s just no way that we can pay all the bills.” Example 4: You do not enjoy riding on trains. As you climb on board you think, “What if I get so upset that I pass out?” Example 5: You spill a drink on yourself at a party and you tell yourself, “My gosh! This is terrible!” Example 6. You are at the beach, when the thought occurs to you, “All these people have such better looking physiques than me! Everyone is going to stare at me and think I’m a dork.” Example 7: Your spouse calls mid-way through your day and asks how things are going. You exclaim, “I’ve got so much to do!”

35 Change or Die Alan Deutschman wrote Change or Die. He contends that most would rather die than change their behavior. He cites health care as an example. 80% of what we’re spending on health care relates to 5 things that we can change: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

Smoking Drinking Eating too much, or the wrong things Stress Exercise

Sadly, nine out of ten will not make changes in these areas. As Howard Hendricks said, “It’s easier to get Israel out of Egypt than Egypt out of Israel.” There are three prerequisites for changing your life: 1. Believe that you can change…that you can do it. Skip all of the quitting and go right into trying. 2. Start thinking a different way...come up with different options. 3. Develop skills…practice and repetition

Change Means Change Change isn’t change unless something changes. Midas Dekkers says, “To learn something, one first has to unlearn something old. So learning is twice as much work for an old person as it is for a person with no experience.” There is no growth without change, There is no change without loss, There is no loss without pain. What loss or pain might someone experience when ridding their thinking of cognitive distortions?

D+V+F>I Dissatisfaction + Vision + First Step > Inertia

36 Novaco Anger Scale 0 – You would feel little or no annoyance 1 – You would feel a little irritated 2 – You would feel moderately upset 3 – You would feel quite angry 4 – You would feel very angry 1. You unpack an appliance you have just bought, plug it in, and discover that it doesn’t work. ________ 2. Being overcharged by a repairman who have you over a barrel. ________ 3. Being singled out for correction, when the actions of others go unnoticed. ________ 4. Getting your car stuck in the mud or snow. ________ 5. You are talking to someone and they don’t answer you. ________ 6. Someone pretends to be something they are not. ________ 7. While you are struggling to carry four cups of coffee to your table at a cafeteria, someone bumps into you, spilling the coffee. ________ 8. You have hung up your clothes, but someone knocks them to the floor and fails to pick them up. ________ 9. You are hounded by a salesperson from the moment you walk into a store. ________ 10. You have made arrangements to go somewhere with a person who backs off at the last minute and leaves you hanging. ________ 11. Being joked about or teased. ________ 12. Your car is stalled at a traffic light, and the guy behind you keeps blowing his horn. ________ 13. You accidentally make the wrong kind of turn in a parking lot. As you get out of your car someone yells at you, “Where did you learn to drive?” ________ 14. Someone makes a mistake and blames it on you. ________

37 15. You are trying to concentrate, but a person near you is tapping their foot. ________ 16. You lend someone an important book or too, and they fail to return it. ________ 17. You have had a busy day, and the person you live with starts to complain about how you forgot to do something that you agreed to do. ________ 18. You are trying to discuss something important with your mate or partner who isn’t giving you a chance to express your feelings. ________ 19. You are in a discussion with someone who persists in arguing about a topic they know very little about. ________ 20. Someone sticks his or her nose into an argument between you and someone else. ________ 21. You need to get somewhere quickly, but the car in front of you is going 25 mph in a 40 mph zone, and you can’t pass. ________ 22. Stepping on a gob of chewing gum. ________ 23. Being mocked by a small group of people as you pass them. ________ 24. In a hurry to get somewhere, you tear a good pair of slacks on a sharp object. ________ 25. You use your last dime to make a phone call, but you are disconnected before you finish dialing and the dime is lost. ________

0-45

The amount of anger and annoyance you generally experience is remarkably low.

46-55

You are substantially more peaceful than the average person.

56-75

You respond to life’s annoyances with an average amount of anger.

76-85

You frequently react in an angry way to life’s many annoyances. You are substantially more irritable than the average person.

86-100

You are a true anger champion, and you are plagued by frequent intense furious reactions that do not quickly disappear.

38 Ten Things You Should Know About Your Anger 1. The events of this world don’t make you angry…Even when a genuinely negative event occurs, it is the meaning you attach to it that determines your emotional response. 2. Most of the time your anger will not help you. It will immobilize you… 3. The thoughts that generate anger more often than not will contain distortions. Correcting these distortions will reduce your anger. 4. Ultimately your anger is caused by your belief that someone is acting unfairly or some event is unjust. The intensity of the anger will increase in proportion to the severity of the maliciousness perceived and if the act is seen as intentional. 5. If you learn to see the world through other people’s eyes, you will often be surprised to realize their actions are not unfair from their point of view. The unfairness in these cases turns out to be an illusion that exists only in your mind. 6. Other people usually do not feel they deserve your punishment. Therefore, your retaliation is unlikely to help you achieve any positive goals in your interactions with them. 7. A great deal of your anger involves your defense against loss of selfesteem when people criticize you, disagree with you, or fail to behave as you want them to. Such anger is always inappropriate because only your own negative distorted thoughts can cause you to lose self-esteem. 8. Frustration results from unmet expectations. Since the event that disappointed you was a part of “reality” it was “realistic.” Thus, your frustration always results from unrealistic expectation. 9. It is just childish pouting to insist that you have the right to be angry. Of course you do! Anger is legally permitted in the United States. The crucial issue is – is it to your advantage to feel angry? 10. You rarely need your anger to be human. It is not true that you will be an unfeeling robot without it. In fact, when you rid yourself of that sour irritability, you will feel greater zest, joy, peace and productivity.

39 E+R=O Event + Response = Outcome • • •

You have 0% control over the event You have 100% control over your response You have 100% control over your outcome

It is not negative events, but your perceptions and thoughts about these events that create your emotional response. While we have no control over external events, we do have control over internal events.

The Triangle Thoughts Events

Feelings

Suppose that after a hectic day you put your two-year-old child to sleep in his crib for the night. You close his bedroom door and sit down to relax and watch television. Twenty minutes later he suddenly opens the door to his room and walks out giggling. You might react to this in a variety of ways, depending on the meaning you attach to it. If you feel irritated, you’re probably thinking, “He’s always a bother. Why can’t he stay in bed and behave like he should? He never gives me a minute’s rest.” On the other hand, you could be delighted to see him pop out of his room because you’re thinking, “Great! He just crawled out of his crib on his own for the first time. He’s growing up and getting more independent.” The event is the same in both cases. Your emotional reaction is determined entirely by the way you are thinking about the situation.

40 Distortion #7: Emotional reasoning: You reason from how you feel. You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are. “I feel it, therefore it must be true.” You take your emotions as evidence for the truth. This kind of reasoning is misleading because your feelings reflect your thoughts and beliefs. If they are distorted – as is quite often the case – your emotions will have no validity. A friend of mine likes to say, “Just because you feel offended doesn’t mean you’re right.” This statement is a direct assault on emotional reasoning. Your feelings don’t determine reality, just your relative state of comfort or discomfort. Examples of Emotional Reasoning include: • • • • •

“I feel guilty. Therefore, I must have done something bad.” “I feel overwhelmed and hopeless. Therefore, my problems must be impossible to solve.” “I feel inadequate. Therefore, I must be inadequate.” “I’m not in the mood to do anything. Therefore, I might as well just lie in bed.” “I’m mad at you. This proves that you’ve been acting rotten and trying to take advantage of me.”

Emotional Reasoning plays a role in nearly all depressions. Because things feel so negative to you, you assume they truly are. It doesn’t occur to you to challenge the validity of the perceptions that create your feelings. Burns says, “your emotions will often result from distorted thoughts that have no more validity than the grotesque images in the curved mirrors at an amusement park.” Emotions make a good passenger, but a lousy driver. For example, you avoid cleaning your desk because you tell yourself, “I feel so lousy when I think about that messy desk.” Six months later you finally give yourself a little push and do it. It turns out to be quite gratifying and not so tough at all. You were fooling yourself all along because you are in the habit of letting your negative feelings guide the way you act. If you’re involved in Emotional Reasoning, you may find it helpful to examine the evidence, conduct a survey, or do an experiment. Examine the Evidence The Survey Method The Experimental Technique

Instead of assuming that a negative thought is true, examine the actual evidence for it. Do a survey to find out if your thoughts and attitudes are realistic. Do an experiment to test the validity of your negative thought.

41 TIC or TOC Procrastination often ties to Emotional Reasoning. Dr. Aaron Beck has identified what he calls “Task-Interfering Cognitions” that must be replaced by “TaskOriented Cognitions.” Emotional Reasoning often interferes with the accomplishment of tasks. Task-Interfering Cognition (TIC)

Task-Oriented Cognition (TOC)

I’ll write the letter later when I’m more “in the mood.”

I don’t have to be “in the mood” to get started.

I don’t want to study for the exam.

I don’t have to want to study. It would be advisable to do it anyway.

I have no confidence.

I’m not supposed to feel confident yet. That’s why I need to do this.

I really don’t feel like asking my boss for a raise.

Asking for a raise is scary, but I can do it even if I don’t feel like it.

I don’t feel like I have anything to say.

Others would like to hear from you.

Temptations Arising from Emotional Reasoning Emotional Reasoning also accounts for giving into temptation, sin and compulsive behavior. •

“I’m so bummed, I need to eat a carton of ice cream.”

•

“Life is so boring, I’m going to go out and get plastered.”

•

“Marriage is hard right now. I deserve to have a little fun.”

What would be preferable second sentences?

42 Distortion #8: “Should” Statements: You criticize yourself or other people with “shoulds,” “shouldn’ts,” “musts,” “oughts,” and “have tos.” “Should” statements are often used toward yourself as motivation, as if you need to be whipped or punished before you could be expected to do anything. You put pressure on yourself. Albert Ellis calls this “musturbation.” Some call this “shoulding all over yourself.” The emotional consequence is guilt. Paradoxically, you end up feeling apathetic and unmotivated. After playing a difficult piece on the piano, a gifted pianist told herself, “I shouldn’t have made so many mistakes.” This made he so disgusted that she quit practicing for several days. “Should” traces its origin to the Anglo-Saxon word “sceolde.” When you direct should statements toward others, you feel anger, frustration and resentment. Burns says, “Should statements generate a lot of unnecessary emotional turmoil in your daily life. When the reality of your own behavior falls short of your standards, your shoulds and shouldn’ts create self-loathing, shame and guilt. When the all-too-human performance of other people falls short of your expectations, as will inevitably happen from time to time, you’ll feel bitter and selfrighteous.” Anger is often the result of “should” statements. Others, and the world, simply do not comply as they “should.” The simplest solution to anger is to change your expectations. For example, some unrealistic expectations that lead to frustration include: a. If I want something, I deserve it b. If I work hard at something, I should successful c. Other people should try to measure up to my standards and believe in my concept of “fairness” d. I should be able to solve any problems quickly and easily e. If I’m a good husband, my wife is bound to love me f. People should think and act the way I do g. If I’m nice to someone, they should reciprocate A good question to ask in response to “should” statements is, “Who says so?” Where is it written? You soon find that you are making up your own rules. But since you are making them up, you can revise them.

43 Example: Suppose the carpenter on your new home did a sloppy job on the kitchen cabinets. You feel irate because you see this as “unfair.” You may need to rebut your feelings. Reason he should have taken more pride in his work.

Rebuttals

1. Because I paid top dollar.

He gets paid the same wage whether or not he take extra pride in his work.

2. Because it’s only decent to do a good job.

He probably felt he did an adequate job. And the paneling he did actually looks quite decent.

3. Because he should make sure he gets it right.

Why should he?

4. Because I would if I were a carpenter.

But he’s not me – he’s not trying to meet my standards.

5. Because he should care more about his work.

There’s no reason for him to care more. Some carpenters care a lot about their work, and for others, it’s just a job.

6. So why must I get the one who is sloppy?

All the people who worked on your house didn’t so sloppy work. You can’t expect to get 100 percent top-notch people. That is unrealistic.

Exercise: I what ways could “should” thinking create havoc in the following relationships: • Children • Parents • Pastors • Church Members

• Mayor • Citizens • Teacher • Students

• Husband • Wife • Boss • Employee

44 The Frustration Cycle Unrealistic expectations are prerequisite to an unfulfilled life. When our experience does not meet our expectations – there is a gap of frustration that follows a cycle…. We initiate:

We experience:

• Expectations of others

• Disappointment from others

• Change of others

• Resistance from others

• Frustration

Good Should Burns says there are actually three valid uses of the word “should” in the English language. 1. Moral Should. You should not intentionally take advantage of someone. 2. Legal Should. You should not drive at 90 mph because it’s dangerous. 3. Universal Should. If you drop your pen, it should fall. When you say, “I should straighten up my desk” it is not a moral, legal or universal statement, so the word “should” is not appropriate.

The Semantic Method In the same way that “sometimes” and “often” are good antidotes for All-orNothing Thinking, there are some phrases that are preferable to counteract “should” statements: •

“It would be nice…”

•

“It would be preferable…”

•

“There would be some advantages to…”

These phrases subtly shift your thinking from condemnation to acceptance.

45 Sadness is Not Depression Ephesians 4:26 “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. 1 Thessalonians 4:13 Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. Dr. Burn says, “Your emotional reaction is determined entirely by the way you are thinking about the situation.” One of the objections that can arise in the discussion of Cognitive Therapy is that with “realistic problems” (such as bankruptcy, permanent physical disability, terminal illness, etc.) we might feel justified to experience a “realistic depression.” There is, in fact, no such thing as a “realistic depression.” There is only realistic sadness. The real question is how to draw the line between desirable and undesirable negative feelings. What is the distinction between “healthy sadness” and “depression”? The distinction is simple. Sadness is a normal emotion created by realistic perceptions that describe a negative event involving loss or disappointment in an undistorted way. Depression is an illness that always results from thoughts that are distorted in some way. For example, when a loved one dies, you validly think, “I lost him (or her), and I will miss the companionship and love we shared.” The feelings such a through creates are tender, realistic and desirable. Your emotions will enhance your humanity and add depth to the meaning of your life. In this way you gain from your loss. In contrast, you might tell yourself, “I’ll never again be happy because he (or she) died. It’s unfair!” These thoughts will trigger in you feelings of self-pity and hopelessness. Because these emotions are based entirely on distortion, they will defeat you. Either depression or sadness can develop after a loss or a failure in your efforts to reach a goal of great personal importance. Sadness comes, however, without distortion. It involves a flow of feeling and therefore has a time limit. It never involves lessening of your self-esteem. Depression is frozen – it tends to persist or recur indefinitely, and always involves loss of self-esteem.

46 …When a genuinely negative event occurs, your emotions will be created exclusively by your thoughts and perceptions. Your feelings will result from the meaning you attach to what happens. A substantial portion of your suffering will be due to the distortions in your thoughts. When you eliminate these distortions, you will find that coping with the “real problem” will become less painful. What major life events might a person experience? Holmes/Rahe Stress Test In the past 12 months, which of these have happened to you? Event Value Death of spouse 100 Divorce 75 Marital separation 65 Jail term 63 Death of family member 63 Personal injury or illness 53 Fired from work 47 Marital reconciliation 45 Retirement 45 Change in family 44 member’s health Pregnancy 40 Sex difficulties 39 Addition to family 39 Business readjustment 39 Change in financial status 38 Death of close friend 37 Change in number of 35 marital arguments Mortgage or loan 31 over $10,000 Foreclosure of loan 30 Change in work 29 responsibilities Child leaving home 29

Trouble with in-laws 29 Outstanding personal 28 achievement Spouse starts work 26 Starting or finishing school 26 Change in living conditions 25 Revision of personal habits 24 Trouble with boss 23 Change in work hours, 20 conditions Change in residence 20 Change in schools 20 Change in recreational habits 19 Change in church activities 19 Change in social activities 18 Mortgage or loan 18 under $10,000 Change in sleeping habits 16 Change in number of family 15 gatherings Change in eating habits 15 Vacation 13 Christmas season 12 Minor violation of the law 11 TOTAL _____

If your total is….. • Less than 150: Slight risk of illness in the next 2 years. • Between 150 and 300: Moderate risk of illness in 2 years. • Over 300: At risk of illness in 2 years.

47 Emotions are Good God is an emotional God. We are emotional creatures. The Bible is an emotional book. Emotions can be very appropriate, in context. Mark 12:30 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. God creates you with emotional capacity. To love God well, your relationship to God cannot just be mental, or even spiritual, it has to be emotional (with all your heart). As near as I can tell from the Scripture, Emotional Growth Means: 1. Appreciating your emotions For some of us there’s a learning curve here because we have been taught that emotions are bad. It was one of the rules with which we were raised…. Don’t slam the door. Eat everything on your plate. Say ma’am and sir. Don’t talk with your mouth full. You can’ trust your feelings. Or, when you had feelings, they were invalidated… “You shouldn’t feel that way” Emotions are like red lights on the dash board. They can signify a problem, or the status of things. So in addition to appreciating our emotions, the second step we need to take in our emotional growth is understanding our emotions…. 2. Understanding your emotions We need to understand what certain feelings signify, and how we should feel about those feelings. Ecclesiastes 7:3 Sorrow is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart. Sometimes you need a good cry for your own happiness. I find the Psalms to be especially helpful, as David articulates and expresses a broad range of emotions.

48 Artists like David (musicians, painters, sculptors) provide a ministry for us, because the language of an artist is the language of feeling. Part of understanding your emotions is understanding that there are limits to them. There’s an old story of three hiking buddies making their way up a winding path. They found they could only make it in a certain order: Facts had to take the lead Followed by Faith Followed by Feelings Mr. Faith (in the middle) would be bothered when Mr. Feelings got into difficulties. However, when he took his eyes off Facts and turned to help Mr. Feelings, he would also get into trouble until he remembered that his job was to follow Fact, not to worry about Feelings. Sooner or later, Feelings would catch up 3. Categorizing your emotions James 5:13 Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray. Is anyone happy? Let him sing songs of praise. As you grow in your emotions, you find there are more categories: Aggressive Anxious Bashful Cautious Curious Disapproving Disinterested Envious Frightened Guilty Hurt Indifferent Isolated Loving Miserable Optimistic Perplexed Relieved Sheepish Surly Sympathetic

Agonized Apologetic Blissful Concentrating Determined Disbelieving Ecstatic Exasperated Frustrated Happy Hysterical Innocent Jealous Meditative Negative Pained Puzzled Sad Shocked Surprised Undecided

Angry Arrogant Bored Confident Disappointed Disgusted Enraged Exhausted Grieving Horrified Idiotic Interested Lonely Mischievous Obstinate Paranoid Regretful Satisfied Smug Suspicious Withdrawn

49 4. Correlating your emotions Romans 12:15 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Growing in your emotions is having feelings that correspond to the situation at hand. In the story that Jesus told of the prodigal son this was one of the subplots. The older brother, instead of rejoicing at the reunion with his prodigal younger brother, instead went negative. 5. Controlling your emotions Proverbs 16:32 He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that rules his spirit than he that takes a city. Proverbs 25:28 He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls. Your emotions don’t control you, you control them. If not, you are vulnerable: Ephesians 4:26,27 In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. There is an appropriate timeline for your feelings. If you let your feelings rule over you, they become your God, 6. Aligning your emotions Philippians 2:5 Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus. What we want to do as believers is learn how to live our lives as He would live our life if He would live our lives if He were in our shoes. For this to take place every aspect of a person’s life must be transformed. We want to think what Jesus would think. Believe what Jesus would believe. Do what Jesus would do, and Feel what Jesus would feel.

50 Distortion #9: Labeling: Instead of saying “I made a mistake,” you tell yourself, “I’m a loser.” Personal labeling means creating a completely negative self-image based on your errors. It is an extreme form of overgeneralization. The philosophy behind this is “The measure of a man is the mistakes he makes.” There is a good chance you are involved in personal labeling whenever you describe your mistakes with sentences beginning with “I’m a…” For example, when you miss your putt on the eighteenth hole, you might say, “I’m a born loser” instead of “I goofed up on my putt.” Similarly, when the stock you invested in goes down instead of up, you might think, “I’m a failure” instead of “I made a mistake.” Labeling yourself is not only self-defeating, it is irrational. Your self cannot be equated with any one thing you do. Your life is a complex and ever-changing flow of thoughts, emotions and actions. Labels are overly simplistic and wrong. Exercise: What labels might a person employ toward themself in regard to: • Their health • Their faith • Their family When you label other people you will inevitably generate hostility. Mislabeling involves describing an event with words that are inaccurate and emotionally loaded. Often, when you call another person a name, they will return the favor. So, around and around we go. Stereotypes, bigotry and labeling short cut careful thought and consideration. What happens in a marriage when one a husband concludes, “My wife is a crank”? What happens in a company when an employee says, “My boss is an idiot”? What happens in churches when one person labels another person’s faith as “crazy”? What other kinds of people in our lives could easily be labeled?

51 Labeling is a distorted thinking process that causes you to feel inappropriately indignant and morally superior. It’s destructive to build your self-image this way: Your labeling will inevitably give way to your need to blame the other person. Your thirst for retaliation intensifies the conflict and brings out similar attitudes and feelings in the person you’re mad at. Labeling inevitably functions as a selffulfilling prophecy. You polarize the other person and bring about a state of interpersonal warfare. Labeling can often be overcome by asking pointed questions, “What do you mean by the word ‘Loser’? What are the qualifications? How do you become one?” Once you begin to ask these questions you are immediately jarred back into reality. Labels do not hold up in cross-examination. Distortion #10: Personalization and blame: a. You blame yourself for something you weren’t entirely responsible for; b. You blame other people and overlook ways that you contributed to a problem. This distortion is the mother of all guilt! You assume responsibility for a negative event when there is no basis for doing so. You arbitrarily conclude that what happened was your fault or reflects your inadequacy, even when you were not responsible for it. Example 1: When a therapist prescribed homework for his patient, and the patient did not complete it, the doctor felt guilty because he thought, “I’m not a very good therapist. It’s my fault she isn’t working harder to help herself. It’s my responsibility to make sure she gets well.” Example 2: When a mother saw her child’s report card, there was a note from the teacher indicating the child was not working well. She immediately decided, “I must be a bad mother.” Example 3: You offer a constructive criticism to your boyfriend, who reacts in a defensive and hurt manner. You may blame yourself for his emotional upset and arbitrarily conclude that your comment was inappropriate. In fact, his negative thoughts upset him, not your comment. Furthermore, these thoughts are probably distorted. He might be thinking that your criticism means he’s not good and conclude that you don’t respect him. Now – did you put that illogical thought into his head? Obviously not. He did it, so you can’t assume responsibility for his reaction. If someone wanted you to take responsibility for how they are feeling, what could you say to yourself, and to them?

52 Me and You There needs to be an appropriate boundary line between me and you. A boundary is a property line. It distinguishes between what is yours, and what isn't yours. It has to do with responsibility and ownership; what's mine; what’s not. Just as homeowners set physical property lines around their land, you need to set mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual boundaries for our lives to help us distinguish what is our responsibility and what isn't. There are points of definition that have to be drawn and maintained in different areas of our lives. 2 Corinthians 5:10 For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad. The most basic line is your skin. "He really gets under my skin” is a metaphor that says our personal boundaries have been violated. When we're talking about our skin, this boundary ends up being more important than we think it is when the transgression is sexual. Proverbs 5,6,7 talk about the inevitable pain that follows us when we cross that line, and that it's not always possible to count on the boundaries of others to keep our relationships from becoming sexualized. The boundary of our skin ends of being even more deeply profound when the transgression is physical or sexual abuse. In this case a victim is not responsible for the boundary violation, but nevertheless will feel sick about it, because God has wired us up with a sense of boundary that functions as an alarm. When that boundary is breached counseling is usually important to re-set and re-clarify appropriate boundaries - even though….the person who is being abused is clearly a victim. But in a broader sense, our skin is the most basic boundary that separates what's ours, and what's not. If you could draw an outline picture of yourself, and one of another person, you could say, “What's inside this line is me. I have to own it. I'm responsibility for it. Ultimately I'll be accountable for it What’s inside of you is yours. You have to own it and be accountable for it.” The question to ask when Personalization begins to blur the distinctions is, “Is this me problem, or their problem?” Your skin ends up being the boundary for evaluation in the end. If it’s something inside of them, it’s theirs.

53 Why Monks Are Merciful Through meditation, your brain can be reprogrammed to think in a different way. Richard Davidson and Antoine Lutz studied the brain activity of Mattieu Ricard, a French-born monk from Shechen Monastery in Katmandu. Ricard had over 10,000 hours of meditation. After attaching 128 electrodes to Ricard… “Lutz asked Ricard to meditate on ‘unconditional loving-kindness and compassion.’ He immediately noticed powerful gamma activity – brain waves oscillating at roughly 40 cycles per second – indicating intensely focused thought. Gamma waves are usually weak and difficult to see. Those emanating from Ricard were easily visible, even in the raw EEG output. Moreover, oscillations from various parts of the cortex were synchronized – a phenomena that sometimes occurs in patients under anesthesia. “The researchers had never seen anything like it. Worried that something might be wrong with their equipment or methods, they brought in more monks, as well as a control group of college students inexperience in meditation. The monks produced gamma waves that were 30 times as strong as the students’. In addition, larger areas of the meditator’s brain were active, particularly in the left prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for positive emotions.” (Wired, February, 2006) We often think the brain becomes “frozen” as we reach adulthood. In fact, intensive training can make a huge difference. The Sentinel The next obvious question is how do we discipline our thoughts? Philippians 4:4-8 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

54 In Control Yourself! Author Del Kehl suggests that Christians picture the mind as a renovated palace that can be assailed by a hideous throng of evil things – ugly thoughts. But when God’s peace stands guard at the door of your mind, ugly thoughts are stymied. The sentinel cries, “Halt, in the name of the monarch who controls this citadel! What are your credentials? What is the password?” If the thought, attitude or mind-set lacks the proper credentials and doesn’t know the password, it cannot get in. A Bad Mother On Page 70 of Feeling Good, Dr. Burns shares a lengthy conversation with a woman named Nancy who wants to label herself as a “really bad mother.” By asking pointed questions, such as, “What is your definition of a bad mother?” he is able to address the overgeneralization and labeling that had distorted her view of herself:

Nancy: I should have worked with Bobby on his homework because now he is disorganized and not ready for school. I spoke to Bobby’s teacher, who said Bobby lacks self-discipline and doesn’t follow directions adequately. Consequently, his schoolwork has been deteriorating. I had a number of self-critical thoughts after the call and I felt suddenly dejected. I began to tell myself that a good mother spends time with her kids on some activity every night. I’m responsible for his poor behavior – lying, not doing well in school. I just can’t figure out how to handle him. I’m really a bad mother. I began to think he was stupid and about to flunk and how it was all my fault. David: Okay. What’s wrong with this statement, “I am a bad mother”? Nancy: Well… David: Is there any such thing as a “bad mother”? Nancy: Of course. David: What is your definition of a “bad mother”? Nancy: A bad mother is one who does a bad job of raising her kids. She isn’t as effective as other mothers, so her kids turn out bad. It seems obvious. David: So would you say a “bad mother” is one who is low on mothering skills? That’s your definition? Nancy: Some mothers lack mothering skills.

55 David: But all mothers lack mothering skills to some extent. Nancy: They do? David: There’s no mother in this world who is perfect in all mothering skills. So they all lack mothering skills in some part. According to your definition, it would seem that all mothers are bad mothers. Nancy: I feel that I’m a bad mother, but not everyone else is. David: Well, define it again. What is a “bad mother”? Nancy: A bad mother is someone who does not understand her children or is constantly making damaging errors. Errors that are detrimental. David: According to this new definition, you’re not a “bad mother,” and there are no “bad mothers” because no one constantly makes damaging errors. Nancy: No one…? David: You said that a bad mother constantly makes damaging errors. There is no such person who constantly makes damaging errors twenty-four hours a day. Every mother is capable of doing some things right. Nancy: Well, there can be abusive parents who are always punishing, hitting – you read about them in the papers. Their children end up battered. That certainly could be a bad mother. David: There are parents who resort to abusive behavior, that’s true. And these individuals could improve their behavior, which might make them feel better about themselves and their children. But’s it’s not realistic to say that such parents are constantly doing abusing or damaging things, and it’s not going to help matters by attaching the label “bad” to them. Such individuals do have a problem with aggression and need training in self-control, but it would only make matters worse if you tried to convince them that their problem was badness. They usually already believe they are rotten human beings, and that is part of their problem. Labeling them as “bad mothers” would be inaccurate, and it would also be irresponsible, like trying to put out a fire by throwing gasoline on it. Nancy: But I still have the feeling I am a “bad mother”? David: Well, once again, what is your definition? Nancy: Someone who doesn’t give her child enough attention, positive attention. I’m so busy in school. And when I do pay attention, I’m afraid it may be all negative attention. Who knows? That’s what I’m saying. David: A “bad mother” is one who doesn’t give her child enough attention, you say? Enough for what?

56 Nancy: For her child to do well in life. David: Do well in everything, or in some things? Nancy: In some things. No one can do well at everything. David: Does Bobby do well at some things? Does he have any redeeming virtues? Nancy: Oh yes. There are many things he enjoys and does well at. David: Then you can’t be a “bad mother” according to your definition because your son does well at many things. Nancy: Then why do I feel like a bad mother? David: It seems that you’re labeling yourself as a “bad mother” because you’d like to spend more time with your son, and because you sometimes feel inadequate, and because there is a clear-cut need to improve your communication with Bobby. But it won’t help you solve these problems if you conclude automatically you are a “bad mother.” Does that make sense to you? Nancy: If I paid more attention to him and give him more help, he could do better at school and he could be a whole lot happier. I feel it’s my fault when he doesn’t do well. David: So you are willing to take the blame for his mistakes? Nancy: Yes, it’s my fault. So I’m a bad mother. David: And you also take the credit for his achievements? And for his happiness? Nancy: No – he should get the credit for that, not me. David: Does that make sense? That you’re responsible for his faults but not his strengths? Nancy: No. David : Do you understand the point I’m trying to make? Nancy: Yep. David: “Bad mother” is an abstraction; there is no such thing as a “bad mother” in the universe. Nancy: Right. But mothers can do bad things. David: They’re just people, and people do a whole variety of things – good, bad, and neutral. “Bad mother” is just a fantasy; there’s no such thing. The chair is a

57 thing. A “bad mother” is an abstraction. You understand that? Nancy: I got it, but some mothers are more experienced and more effective than others. David: Yes, there are all degrees of effectiveness at parenting skills. And most everyone had plenty of room for improvement. The meaningful question is not “Am I a good or bad mother?” but rather “What are my relative skills and weaknesses, and what can I do to improve?” Nancy: I understand. That approach makes more sense and it feels much better. When I label myself “bad mother,” I just feel inadequate and depressed, and I don’t do anything productive. Now I see what you’ve been driving at. Once I give up criticizing myself, I’ll feel better, and maybe I can be more helpful to Bobby. David: Right! So when you look at it that way, you’re talking about coping strategies. For example, what are your parenting skills? How can you begin to improve on those skills? Now that’s the type of things I would suggest with regard to Bobby. Seeing yourself as a “bad mother” eats up emotional energy and distracts you from the task of improving your mothering skills. It’s irresponsible. Nancy: Right. If I can stop punishing myself with that statement, I’ll be much better off and I can start working toward helping Bobby. The moment I stop calling myself a bad mother, I’ll start feeling better. David: Yes, now what can you say to yourself when you have the urge to say, “I’m a bad mother”? Nancy: I can say I don’t have to hate my whole self if there is a particular thing I find I dislike about Bobby, or if he has a problem at school. I can try to define that problem, and attack that problem, and work toward solving it. David: Right. Now, that’s a positive approach. I like it. You refute the negative statement and then add a positive statement. I like that.

What Cognitive Distortions are represented in this dialogue?

58 Dysfunctional Attitude Scale +2 +1 0 -1 -2

Agree strongly Agree slightly Neutral Disagree slightly Disagree very much

1. Criticism will obviously upset the person who receives the criticism. ____ 2. It is best to give up my own interests in order to please other people. _____ 3. I need other people’s approval in order to be happy. _____ 4. If someone important to me expects me to do something, then I really should do it. _____ 5. My value as a person depends greatly on what others think of me. _____ 6. I cannot find happiness without being loved by another person. _____ 7. If others dislike you, you are bound to be less happy. _____ 8. If people whom I care about reject me, it means there is something wrong with me. _____ 9. If a person I love does not love me, it means I am unlovable. _____ 10. Being isolated from others is bound to lead to unhappiness. _____ 11. If I am worthwhile person, I must be truly outstanding in at least one major respect. _____ 12. I must be a useful, productive person or life has no purpose. _____ 13. People who have good ideas are more worthy than those who do not. _____ 14. If I do not do as well as other people, it means I am inferior. _____ 15. If I fail at my work, then I am a failure as a person. _____ 16. If you cannot do something well, there is little point in doing it at all. _____ 17. It is shameful for a person to display his weaknesses. _____ 18. A person should try to be the best at everything he undertakes. _____ 19. I should be upset if I make a mistake. _____ 20. If I don’t set the highest standards for myself, I am likely to end up a second-rate person. _____ 21. If I strongly believe I deserve something, I have reason to expect that I should get it. _____ 22. It is necessary to become frustrated if you find obstacles to getting what you want. _____ 23. If I put other people’s needs before my own, they should help me when I need something from them. _____

59 24. If I am a good husband (or wife), then my spouse is bound to love me. _____ 25. If I do nice things for someone, I can anticipate that they will respect me and treat me just as well as I treat them. _____ 26. I should assume responsibility for how people feel and behave if they are close to me. _____ 27. If I criticize the way someone does something and they become angry or depressed, this means I have upset them. _____ 28. To be a good, worthwhile, moral person, I must try to help everyone who needs it. _____ 29. If a child is having emotional or behavioral difficulties, this shows that the child’s parents have failed in some important respect. _____ 30. I should be able to please everybody. _____ 31. I cannot expect to control how I feel when something bad happens. _____ 32. There is no point in trying to change upsetting emotions because they are a valid and inevitable part of daily living. _____ 33. My moods are primarily created by factors that are largely beyond my control, such as the past, or body chemistry, or hormone cycles, or biorhythms, or chance, or fate. _____ 34. My happiness is largely dependent on what happens to me. _____ 35. People who have the marks of success (good looks, social status, wealth, or fame) are bound to be happier than those who do not. _____ The Dysfunctional Attitude Scale assesses psychological strengths and emotional vulnerabilities in relation to seven value systems: 1. Approval

Statements 1-5

Score:

2. Love

Statements 6-10

Score:

3. Achievement

Statements 11-15

Score:

4. Perfectionism

Statements 16-20

Score:

5. Entitlement

Statements 21-25

Score:

6. Omnipotence

Statements 26-30

Score:

7. Autonomy

Statements 31-35

Score:

Retest As we conclude this study, please retake the Anxiety Inventory and Depression Checklist taken at the beginning of this class. How has Mind Over Mood lessened your anxiety and depression?

60 Burns Anxiety Inventory Not at all = 0

Somewhat = 1

Moderately = 2

A Lot = 3

Anxious Feelings 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6.

Anxiety, nervousness, worry, or fear Feeling that things around you are strange, unreal, or foggy Feeling detached from all or part of your body Sudden unexpected panic spells Apprehension or a sense of impending doom Feeling tense, stressed, “uptight,” or on edge

Anxious Thoughts 1. Difficulty concentrating 2. Racing thoughts or having your mind jump from one thing to the next 3. Frightening fantasies or daydreams 4. Feeling that you’re on the verge of losing control 5. Fears of cracking up or going crazy 6. Fears of fainting or passing out 7. Fears of physical illnesses or heart attacks or dying 8. Concerns about looking foolish or inadequate in front of others 9. Fears of being alone, isolated, or abandoned 10. Fears of criticism or disapproval 11. Fear that something terrible is about to happen Physical Symptoms 1. Skipping or racing or pounding of the heart (palpitations) 2. Pain, pressure, or tightness in the chest 3. Tingling or numbness in the toes or fingers 4. Butterflies or discomfort in the stomach 5. Constipation or diarrhea 6. Restlessness or jumpiness 7. Tight, tense muscles 8. Sweating not brought on by heat 9. A lump in the throat 10. Trembling or shaking 11. Rubbery or “jelly” legs 12. Feeling dizzy, lightheaded, or off balance 13. Choking or smothering sensations or difficulty breathing 14. Headaches or pains in the neck or back 15. Hot flashes or cold chills 16. Feeling tired, weak, or easily exhausted Degree of Anxiety 0-4 5-10 11-20 21-30 31-50 51-99

Minimal or no anxiety Borderline anxiety Mild anxiety Moderate anxiety Severe anxiety Extreme anxiety or panic

61 Burns Depression Checklist Not at all = 0

Somewhat = 1

Moderately = 2

A Lot = 3

1. Sadness: Have you been feeling sad or down in the dumps? 2. Discouragement: Does the future look hopeless? 3. Low self-esteem: Do you feel worthless or think of yourself as a failure? 4. Inferiority: Do you feel inadequate or inferior to others? 5. Guilt: Do you get self-critical and blame yourself for everything? 6. Indecisiveness: Do you have trouble making up your mind about things? 7. Irritability and frustration: Have you been feeling resentful and angry a good deal of the time? 8. Loss of interest in life: Have you lost interest in your career, your hobbies, your family, or your friends? 9. Loss of motivation: Do you feel overwhelmed and have to push yourself to do hard things? 10. Poor self-image: Do you think you’re looking old or unattractive? 11. Appetite changes: Have you lost your appetite? Or do you overeat or binge compulsively? 12. Sleep changes: Do you suffer from insomnia and find it hard to get a good night’s sleep? Or are you excessively tired and sleeping too much? 13. Loss of libido: Have you lost your interest in sex? 14. Hypochondriasis: Do you worry a great deal about your health? 15. Suicidal impulses: Do you have thoughts that life is not worth living or think that you might be better off dead? Degree of Depression 0-4 5-10 11-20 21-30 31-45

Minimal or no depression Borderline depression Mild depression Moderate depression Severe depression

Discussion Questions How has this material helped you? In what contexts have the newly acquired skills proved beneficial? With whom could you share this information?