guidance to keep away from pornography by X3...
X3pure Workbook 30 Days to Purity Workshop Guide.
Mens Edition
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Table of Contents Welcome!
5
How to use this Workshop!
6
Unwanted Sexual Behavior Part I!
6
Chapter 1: Where We Are and Where We’re Going! Digging Deeper!
Unwanted Sexual Behavior Part II!
7 11
13
Chapter 2: Your Sexual Sobriety Map !
13
Sexual Sobriety Map !
16
Digging Deeper!
17
White Knuckle vs. Real Change Part I!
19
Chapter 3: What is Change?!
19
Digging Deeper!
22
White Knuckle vs. Real Change Part II!
24
Chapter 4: Confession and Accountability!
24
Digging Deeper!
29
Understanding Physiology Part I!
31
Chapter 5: The Brain’s Reward System!
31
Digging Deeper!
36
Understanding Physiology Part II!
38
Chapter 6: The Brain’s Reward System and Sexual Addiction!
38
Digging Deeper!
43
Understanding Physiology Part III!
45
Chapter 7: Going Sober!
45
Digging Deeper!
50
Abstinence Part I!
52
Chapter 8: Sobriety Sheets, Part I: Creating a Victorious Environment!
52
Sheet One: Creating a Victorious Environment!
56
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Sheet Two: “Escape Plan”!
57
Digging Deeper!
58
AbstinencePart II!
61
Chapter 9: “Escape Plan”!
61
Digging Deeper!
66
Acceptance of Conditional Love!
69
Chapter 10: “Reinventing Our Lives”!
69
Digging Deeper!
74
Pursuit of Unconditional Love Part I!
77
Chapter 11: “Recovery Target #1: Psychological Examination of Feelings”! 77 Digging Deeper!
Pursuit of Unconditional Love Part II!
83
85
Chapter 12: “Recovery Target #1: Seeking, Establishing & Engaging in Community.”!
85
Digging Deeper!
90
Pursuit of Unconditional Love Part III!
94
Chapter 13: “Recovery Target #3: Truth, Trust and Territory”!
94
Digging Deeper!
99
Pursuit of Unconditional Love Part IV!
101
Chapter 14: “Development and Exploration of Genuine Faith”!
101
Digging Deeper!
107
Conclusion!
109
Chapter 15: “The Journey”!
109
Digging Deeper!
114
APPENDIX!
116
Sexual Sobriety Map (Detailed Map)!
116
Sexual Sobriety Map (Simplified Map)!
117
Sheet One: Creating a Victorious Environment!
119
Sheet Two: “Escape Plan”!
120
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Contact Information!
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121
Welcome Friends, Welcome to the X3pure Workshop. Each day, for the next 30 days, you will go through an online lesson that integrates video, this workbook, scriptures and other off-line exercises. We ask that you commit to consistency and to completing the course. If you miss a day, just pick back up where you left off and keep going! Please let us know if there is anything we can do to improve X3pure— or anything we can do to help you in the recovery process. We are praying for your success! A few things that will help you get the most out of this workshop: • Remove distractions while doing the lessons. Turn off your phone(s) and ask friends and family to give you some alone time. • Pray before each lesson. • Make sure that you have your audio turned up, so you are not straining to hear. (If possible, use headphones). • Use a good Internet connection. The better your Internet connection, the more smoothly the videos will play.
TODAY IS DAY ONE OF YOUR RECOVERY! Sincerely, The X3pure Team
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How to use this Workshop STEP ONE: LOGIN TO X3PURE. Each day for 30 days, you will LOGIN to the X3pure Workshop (www.X3pure.com) by going to the LOGIN area on the top right of the home page. Once you are “logged in,” the first page you will see is the course homepage which allows you to navigate around the workshop. Each chapter is designed to be completed over two days. There are specific instructions for each day in this workbook.
STEP TWO: NAVIGATE TO A CHAPTER Navigate to the appropriate day of the timeline using either the shortcut icons at the TOP of the page or using the timeline slider at the bottom of the page. You will start the workshop on “Unwanted Sexual Behavior, Part I”, spend two days on this chapter, then will move on to Chapter 2, “Unwanted Sexual Behavior, Part II.”
STEP THREE: COMPLETE THE CHAPTER Usually on the first day of a given chapter, you will watch a streaming video presentation, and lasting between 15-25 minutes. While you watch, have this workbook open to the appropriate chapter and fill in the blanks as you go along. This might seem juvenile, but it is a critical part of the workshop, and it will help reduce distractions while going through the program. Then, on the second day of each chapter, you will have a lesson that will usually include scripture reading or a question-and-answer section.
1 2 3
Unwanted Sexual Behavior Part I 6 Fireproof Ministries 2012. All Rights Reserved. Used by permission. Please do not copy this material in whole or in part. Contact XXXchurch for reprints:
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Chapter 1: Where We Are and Where We’re Going CHAPTER 1 - DAY 1 LESSON 1) Watch the Chapter 1 Video “Where We Are and Where We’re Going.” 2) Write in your own words what sexual behaviors you feel like you need to control. __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ 3) Get a journal. If you have time, write down some notes and thoughts on how you are feeling emotionally at the beginning of this journey. Doesn’t need to be neat, clean or even make total sense. Just needs to be honest. No one else needs to read this.
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CHAPTER 1 - DAY 2 LESSON/WORKBOOK Read the following workbook based off Day 1’s teaching and fill in the blanks. While some of the answers may be easier than others, the point here is to help you remember key words, terms, or concepts. Answers are at the end of the chapter. I.
Our objectives over the next 30 days: A. Understand if we are indeed __________ and what __________ means. B. Comprehend what __________ for the better really is. C. Learn what is going on in our __________ and __________ when we have turned to sex compulsively. D. Discover the __________ reasons why we have turned to compulsive sexual behavior. E. Unleash some powerful __________ that will help us live lives full of purity, honor, and pride.
II.
Am I really addicted? A. As Christians, we may have a different standard from that of the secular world; whether or not Christians are “addicted” may be irrelevant if the sexual behavior they are engaging in is something that has turned sex into an __________. B. What does that mean, “Turning sex into an idol?” Simply speaking, turning sex into an idol means that we have come to rely on sex or sexual activities as a source of __________ love instead of friends, family, community or God Himself. C. For now what is important to understand is whether or not you feel as if sex has become an idol in your life, whether you have come to rely on sex as a source of unconditional love instead of friends, family, community, or God Himself. D. To determine whether or not you have, here are some questions to help you. They come from what therapists call a Sexual Addiction Screening Test. If you answer “yes” to three or more of these questions, it would be in your best interest to stick with us over the next 14 sessions and gain some perspective on your life. 1. Do you have a pattern of failing to resist the impulse to act out sexually? Yes No 2. When you do act out sexually, do you find that you do so to a greater extent, or for a longer period of time, than you had originally intended? Yes No 3. Do you have a continual desire to act out sexually or have tried to stop, reduce, or control acting out sexually but been unsuccessful? Yes No 8 Fireproof Ministries 2012. All Rights Reserved. Used by permission. Please do not copy this material in whole or in part. Contact XXXchurch for reprints:
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4. Have you spent an inordinate amount of time either trying to get sex, be sexual, or recover from some sexual experience? Yes No 5. Are you preoccupied with acting out sexually or preparing to act out sexually? Yes No 6. Do you find yourself acting out sexually even though you are expected to meet job, school, home, or social commitments? Yes No 7. Even if you know you have a social, educational, financial, mental, or physical problem caused by your sexual behavior do you continue to act out in that behavior anyway? Yes No 8. Do you find that you need to increase the intensity, frequency, number, or risk of sexual behavior to get the physical effect you want? Conversely, does the same level of intensity, frequency, number, or risks of sexual behavior produce less of an effect? Yes No 9. Do you find yourself quitting or reducing your social, professional, or recreational activities because of your sexual behavior? Yes No 10. Do you find yourself upset, distressed, anxious, restless, or even violent if you cannot act out sexually, especially in the ways in which you have developed as a pattern? Yes No E. In light of your answers to the above questions, has the definition you wrote on Day 1 for the sexual behaviors you would like to control changed? If so, write a new definition for the sexual behaviors you would like to control: III. Take some time to write down in your journal some notes or thoughts about how you are feeling, either in response to what you may have discovered about yourself today, about today in general, or life. __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________
“Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.” - Reinhold Niebuhr 9 Fireproof Ministries 2012. All Rights Reserved. Used by permission. Please do not copy this material in whole or in part. Contact XXXchurch for reprints:
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CHAPTER 1 – FILL IN THE BLANKS: 1) addicted, 2) addiction, 3) change, 4) bodies, 5) brain, 6) real, 7) tools, 8) idol, 9) unconditional.
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Digging Deeper 2 Peter 1:3-11 Focus: The Road to Godliness is a Journey In the session we talked about the new journey you are entering. This is not a series promising overnight success or instant victory; but a journey requiring discipline, sacrifice, surrender, and TIME. You did not become addicted overnight and you will not gain long lasting freedom overnight. This is a journey that will require your time and attention.
Scripture: 2 Peter 1:3-11, “Everything that goes into a life of pleasing God has been miraculously given to us by getting to know, personally and intimately, the One who invited us to God. The best invitation we ever received! We were also given absolutely terrific promises to pass on to you— your tickets to participation in the life of God after you turned your back on a world corrupted by lust. 5-9 So don’t lose a minute in building on what you’ve been given, complementing your basic faith with good character, spiritual understanding, alert discipline, passionate patience, reverent wonder, warm friendliness, and generous love, each dimension fitting into and developing the others. With these qualities active and growing in your lives, no grass will grow under your feet, no day will pass without its reward as you mature in your experience of our Master Jesus. Without these qualities you can’t see what’s right before you, oblivious that your old sinful life has been wiped off the books. 10-11 So, friends, confirm God’s invitation to you, his choice of you. Don’t put it off; do it now. Do this, and you’ll have your life on a firm footing, the streets paved and the way wide open into the eternal kingdom of our Master and Savior, Jesus Christ.”
1. What does verse 3 point out as the key to living a “life of pleasing God”? 2. Peter points out the past of those he is writing to and refers to it as “a world corrupted by lust.” However, he promises “tickets” to participate in a new life with God. What does this opportunity tell you about the character of God in relation to your life? 3. In verses 5-9 Peter outlines the road to victorious living. Many people refer to this section as the latter of virtue. He highlights each Characteristic in order of growth and development. It is a picture of a stair well and each step represents a different area of growth and development. Take some time to pray through each characteristic asking God to lead you along the steps necessary for a changed life. Faith in Jesus Good Character Spiritual Understanding Alert Discipline Passionate Patience Reverent Wonder 11 Fireproof Ministries 2012. All Rights Reserved. Used by permission. Please do not copy this material in whole or in part. Contact XXXchurch for reprints:
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Warm Friendliness Generous Love 4. Often when we work through a behavioral sin we spend the majority of time focused solely on the sin. Our eyes only see what we are doing wrong or our failure. Critical to Godliness is placing our eyes on something good, something bigger? Jesus himself. What does Peter say is the result of someone focusing his or her attention on the latter of virtue?
Devote some time today to accept God’s invitation to a new life. Begin your journey with the firm footing promised to any who are willing to journey up the latter of virtue.
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Unwanted Sexual Behavior Part II Chapter 2: Your Sexual Sobriety Map
In the last session we talked about our plans together and helped you answer the question, “Am I addicted?” If you responded yes to three or more of the questions listed in Chapter 1 of our lesson and workbook, you most certainly have some form of sexual addiction. Again, our definition of addiction, in this series, is turning sex into an idol, which means that we have come to rely on sex or sexual activities as a source of unconditional love instead of friends, family, community, or God Himself.
CHAPTER 2 – DAY 3 LESSON 1) Watch the Chapter 2 Video “ Your Sexual Sobriety Map.” 2) Jot down some ideas here or in your journal about what change will look like in your life. Will it be easy or difficult? What decisions do you think will be required of you? What do you think is going to need to change in your life? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________
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CHAPTER 2 – DAY 4 LESSON/WORKBOOK Read the following workbook based off of Day 3’s teaching and fill in the blanks. While some of the answers may be easier than others, the point here is to help you remember key words, terms, or concepts. Answers are at the end of the chapter. I.
Sexual Sobriety Map. A. At the end of this workbook is a copy of our Sexual Sobriety Map. If you haven’t already, please acquaint yourself with it. B. In our first video lesson, we explored the question, “Am I addicted?” If you answered yes to that question, then you have “Unwanted Sexual Behavior” and have entered into this map at the top. C. Our Sexual Sobriety Map is not __________, which means that you don’t just enter at the top and work your way down the various stages of recovery until you arrive at “Pursuit of Unconditional Love” and arrive addiction free. D. Recovery from anything, especially addiction, is like keeping your balance on an endless __________: it takes a great deal of focus, concentration, and intentional effort. E. The value of this map is that if you have fallen, or if you are wavering, it will help you get back on the tightrope, stand up again, regain your balance, and continue on down the line.
II.
Unwanted Sexual Behaviors. A. We do not condone sex and sexual activities outside of marriage not because we wish to establish puritanical __________, but because we want to aid you in discovering a __________, caring, faithful God who wants to meet your sexual needs in ways that __________ and nurture, not diminish or shame you. B. Again, we will make more sense out of all of this as we go along. But for now, here’s a quick list of some of the major forms of what we call “Unwanted Sexual Behavior”… 1. Masturbation. 2. Pornography use, whether print, video, or Internet. 3. Pre-Marital Sex. 4. Extra-Marital Sex. 5. Visiting Strip Clubs. 6. Visiting massage parlors where sex or sexual activities are offered. 14 Fireproof Ministries 2012. All Rights Reserved. Used by permission. Please do not copy this material in whole or in part. Contact XXXchurch for reprints:
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7. Use of prostitutes. 8. Or any combination of these seven. III.
Change A. The fact that Unwanted Sexual Behavior is present in your life is a sign that some real learning about yourself is needed, whether that learning is about… 1. …your __________ and __________ and how they work, 2. …your __________ and what it was like, 3. … your __________ life and how it is structured. B. When we have Unwanted Sexual Behavior, we need to make change in our lives and there are two kinds: White-Knuckle Change and Real Change. 1. ____________________ is change in behavior without addressing the system, or environment, that is causing the behavior. 2. ____________________is about a complete examination and alteration of one’s life, how it is structured, who is in it, and what meaning it ultimately has for the individual.
IV. Take some time either here or in your journal to write a paragraph or two about a relationship you have in your life that makes you feel safe and secure and a paragraph or two about a relationship in your life that makes you feel unprotected and vulnerable. (Comparing these differences will help you understand more of what we will be discussing in later chapters.) __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________
CHAPTER 2 – FILL IN THE BLANKS: 1)linear, 2) tightrope, 3) laws, 4) loving, 5) grow, 6) body, 7) brain, 8) childhood, 9) present, 10) God, 11) White-knuckle Change, 12) Real Change
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Sexual Sobriety Map Unwanted Sexual Behavior Masturbation Pornography Use Pre-marital Sex Extra-Marital Sex Strip Clubs Massage Parlors Prostitutes White-Knuckle Change
Real Change
Abstinence
Understanding of Physiology What Really Drives the Brain
Avoiding Behavior not Causes Relapse
Abstinence Recognizing & Avoiding Sexual, Environmental and Emotional Triggers (Sobriety Sheets)
Acceptance of Conditional Love Recovery Principles #1: Realization of Psychological Distress #2: Locating Need for Community #3: Recognizing Lack of Truth, Self-trust & Boundaries #4: Seeking Faith as the Avenue to Wholeness Pursuit of Unconditional Love Recovery Targets #1: Psychological Examination of Feelings #2: Seeking, Establishing, and Engaging in Community #3: Truth, Trust, and Territory #4: Developmental of Genuine Faith
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Digging Deeper Acts 3:19 Focus: The Comeback There are many moments in my life where I get stuck in the past. I allow my past mistakes to paralyze my future. Instead of believing in a new and brighter future, I believe the lie that the past defines my future. In the last session we talked about Roy Riegel and his failure followed by his incredible comeback. As Roy sat in the locker room at halftime he had to make an important decision, “Will I get up off this bench and go back out on the field ready to overcome the mistakes of the first half?” Each and every one of us has to make a similar decision in our lives. No one is perfect, everyone has setbacks, and everyone is capable, with Jesus, to go back out on the field and change the future. Roy Riegel was later inducted into the Rose Bowl Hall of Fame and the Cal Berkley Hall of Fame. Imagine if Roy would have chosen to stay in the locker room and concede defeat.
Scripture: Acts 3:19,
“Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord,” I.
Often when we struggle with a repetitious sin like Sexual Addiction we grow tired of continually confessing to God. We confess only to fall back into the same sin minutes or hours later. What does Paul outline as the immediate next step following repentance/ confession? How can you tangibly “turn to God” each day? What practices can assist you in turning to God daily?
II.
Paul reveals a refreshing character trait about God in his ability to wipe your sins from his memory. This is clearly described in Psalm 103:10-12, “He does not punish us for all our sins; he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve.11 For his unfailing love toward those who fear him is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth.12 He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west.” What does this tell you about God? What do we learn about God’s focus on our confessed sin?
III.
After a long run or an activity in the heat of the day I often crave a cold drink. When I finally take a sip of the cold water I feel it flow all the way down my throat and I am instantly 17 Fireproof Ministries 2012. All Rights Reserved. Used by permission. Please do not copy this material in whole or in part. Contact XXXchurch for reprints:
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relieved of thirst. God promises refreshment to accompany repentance. Take some time to list what “refreshment” would be for you and how it would feel. Think about your relationships, your inner thoughts and feelings, and your future opportunities.
Refreshment is available to all people regardless how deep the wounds. Refreshment doesn’t always overcome our circumstances or remove the struggle, but it gives us just what we need to face the next step. Often God will give us exactly what we need to experience relief without replacing the need for hard work and discipline. Trust God to deliver enough refreshment for you today. Take the time necessary to wait for it each day by: sitting in his presence, listening for his voice, confessing your pride, and reading his words in the bible.
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White Knuckle vs. Real Change Part I Chapter 3: What is Change?
So far in our work together we have discussed:• Sexual addiction.• What sexual addiction means.• Accepted, we assume, that you have Unwanted Sexual Behavior.• Introduced our Sexual Sobriety Map.• And just started touching on the concept of change.
CHAPTER 3 – DAY 5 LESSON 1) Watch the Chapter 3 Video “What is Change?” 2) Jot down here or in your journal 2-5 hopes you have for yourself and your future. Conversely, write down 2-5 fears your have about yourself and your future. Just hold on to these notes, we will return to them later in the workbook. __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________
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CHAPTER 3 – DAY 6 LESSON/WORKBOOK Read the following workbook based off of Day 5’s teaching and fill in the blanks/respond to the questions. While some of the answers may be easier than others, the point here is to help you remember key words, terms, or concepts. Answers are at the end of the chapter. I.
As we discussed in our last chapter, when we have Unwanted Sexual Behavior, and want to be rid of it, we have to change. When we change there are two different options for it: __________ or __________ change. A. White-Knuckle Change. 1. The definition we have given for White-Knuckle Change is the change in __________ without addressing the __________, or environment, that is causing the behavior. 2. Have you ever tried to change your access to your Unwanted Sexual Behavior, remained sober for a period, and then acted out again with your behavior? This is called __________. 3. Relapse is when you have tried to abstain (or stop) from using a substance of abuse but have returned to using it again and again. 4. Write down some examples (3-7) of actions you have taken in your life to prevent yourself from engaging in your Unwanted Sexual Behavior. These could include throwing away porn magazines, getting rid of your computer or installing blocking software on it. We’re going to revisit this list in just a second. __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ B. Real Change 1. To be on the Real Change side of our Sexual Sobriety Map means that instead of just preventing yourself from getting your Unwanted Sexual Behavior you are willing to __________ and __________ your life, how it is structured, who is in it, and what meaning it ultimately has for you. 2. Real Change is not about laws, prohibitions, judgment, ridicule, or shame. Real Change is about… a) Understanding what is going on in your __________ when you engage in Unwanted Sexual Behavior. 20 Fireproof Ministries 2012. All Rights Reserved. Used by permission. Please do not copy this material in whole or in part. Contact XXXchurch for reprints:
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b) Making a decision to __________ from our Unwanted Sexual Behavior not because you want to please anyone, but because you want to… (1) Heal your brain. (2) Engage in life-giving activities. (3) Discover that wonderful person who is hidden inside of you that you maybe didn’t even know existed. (4) Become servants of God. (5) And know God on a more intimate, amazing level than you ever before dreamed 3. In the end, Real Change is about putting sobriety __________ in your life in order to let that decision shape the course of other decisions. C. The point is, your addiction, your Unwanted Sexual Behavior, is not simply a bad __________. It is God’s way of telling you that something is not quite right with the way your life, and the relationships in it, are arranged. If you do not seek to deal with what is “not quite right,” either by continuing to use your Unwanted Sexual Behavior or WhiteKnuckling your change, you will be plugging your ears to God’s voice in your life. D. Take a look above at the 3-7 examples of actions you have taken in your life to prevent yourself from engaging in your Unwanted Sexual Behavior. Now that we have briefly discussed the difference between White-Knuckle and Real Change, see if you can jot down a note or two on why those actions didn’t help you in avoiding your Unwanted Sexual Behavior. (If this is difficult, don’t worry; it will all make more sense as we progress). __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________
CHAPTER 3 – FILL IN THE BLANKS: 1) White-Knuckle, 2) Real, 3) behavior, 4) system, 5) relapse, 6) examine, 7) alter, 8) brain, 9) abstain, 10) first, 11) habit.
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Digging Deeper Philippians 4:8 Focus: Fix Your Thoughts Scripture: Philippians 4:8, “Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious-the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse.”
If you are reading this material and watching these sessions it is because you really desire to experience change. This is no little accomplishment. Gaining the desire to change is more difficult than most people can comprehend. Even though your sexual addiction has cost you greatly in your life; the idea of closing the door completely can be frightening. Your unwanted sexual behavior has provided a false sense of comfort and control for many years. At times in the journey you will be tempted to go back to experience the reward your body has become accustomed too. How or what you fix your thoughts upon will be critical to your success.
Paul urges the church in Philippi to focus their thoughts on 6 specific things: • Truth: aligned with God’s words • Goodness: excellent moral character • Right: morally correct • Pure: free from fault, not of the flesh • Lovely: pleasing to God • Admirable: good for the future Each of these areas uncovers realities, that are helpful in choosing correctly, in the midst of our battle. Each word infuses positive thinking and a winning spirit into our lives. 1) On what do you spend most of you time thinking – positive elements of life or negative aspects and experiences?
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2) Make a list of all the good things God has given you in your life? List any positive aspects of your life right now.
3) As Paul says, “Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” Spent the next few minutes thanking God for each of the good things in your life. 4) Print out Psalm 100 and keep it with you. Place the Psalm on your mirror, and next to your speedometer in the car. Each day this week fix your thoughts on good and be thankful.
“Shout with joy to the LORD, all the earth! 2 Worship the LORD with gladness. Come before him, singing with joy. 3 Acknowledge that the LORD is God! He made us, and we are his. We are his people, the sheep of his pasture. 4 Enter his gates with thanksgiving; go into his courts with praise. Give thanks to him and praise his name. 5 For the LORD is good. His unfailing love continues forever, and his faithfulness continues to each generation.” Psalm 100
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White Knuckle vs. Real Change Part II Chapter 4: Confession and Accountability So far, we have discussed… • Unwanted Sexual Behavior (whether or not your are addicted). • The difference between White-Knuckle and Real Change. Remember, for those of you who are currently engaged in dangerous sexual activities, such as unprotected sex and sex with multiple partners, we encourage you to stop right now. All of us, including God, care about your health and the health of other people. AIDS, and other venereal diseases, are very real threats. Even though we are only in Chapter 4 and haven’t yet discussed abstinence, we encourage you to stop having sex outside of marriage. We’ll catch up with how to make stopping easier and more permanent.
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CHAPTER 4 – DAY 7 LESSON 1) Watch the Chapter 4 Video “Confession and Accountability.” 2) Jot down 3-5 things you could lose and 3-5 things you could gain if you were to be honest with an accountability partner about your Unwanted Sexual Behavior. __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________
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CHAPTER 4 – DAY 8 LESSON/WORKBOOK Read the following workbook based off of Day 7’s teaching and fill in the blanks/respond to the questions. While some of the answers may be easier than others, the point here is to help you remember key words, terms, or concepts. Answers are at the end of the chapter. I.
The essential need for support. A. In our discussion of the difference between White-Knuckle and Real Change we discussed the need to be on the Real Change side of our Sexual Sobriety Map. What this means is that in order to change our Unwanted Sexual Behavior, we need to be looking at how our lives are _______________, who is in them, and what _______________ life ultimately has for us, not just physical ways of stopping the behavior. B. Again, while we require that you get rid of all means and ways of accessing your Unwanted Sexual Behavior – porn, prostitutes, massage parlors, etc. – to just stop there is to remain on the _______________ side and to tempt relapse. Not only must you do more, but the more you need to do is the real cause of your struggle with Unwanted Sexual Behavior, not the porn, not the prostitutes, and not the strip clubs themselves.
II.
Self-Differentiation. A. As the title of this lesson suggests, what we are talking about today is confession and accountability. That is, including someone you __________ with the hard truths, realities, and struggles of your recovery. B. But before we directly address that, we want to introduce a crucial and important concept that is the very goal of recovery. This concept is called self-differentition. 1. When you feel as if being who you are, or have become, isn’t “good enough” to receive love from family, church, or society you can get anxious, unhappy, frustrated, and sad. 2. Who wouldn’t, right? Love is a basic human need. But instead of doing the hard work of finding new and different “__________,” church friends, or societies that love you unconditionally, while still being connected to the old ones, you may be turning to your Unwanted Sexual Behavior to receive that unconditional love that is missing in your life. 3. What you are faced with, then, is the very hard, difficult task of what therapists call self-differentiation. 4. Our definition of self-differentiation is an ability to see yourself as separate from those people or groups of people in your life who love you conditionally, which means that they don’t just love you for who your are (warts and all), but love you only if you act or behave in a certain way. 26 Fireproof Ministries 2012. All Rights Reserved. Used by permission. Please do not copy this material in whole or in part. Contact XXXchurch for reprints:
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III.
Confession and Accountability A. What we want you to understand right now is that to begin on your journey of Real Change, to begin on this journey of self-differentiation, and to begin on this journey of sobriety, you need to have the beginnings of unconditional _______________, at least one person whom you trust and from whom you feel a sense of unconditional love, whom you can bring the darkest sides of yourself and won’t be judged. B. This person could be… 1. A mother, father, brother, or sister. 2. An uncle or aunt. 3. A close friend. 4. Your wife. 5. A church friend or church leader. 6. A counselor or therapist.
IV. Follow these three steps to help you start on this path of confession and accountability. A. Answer the following questions to help you narrow down a person in your life to whom you can turn for confession and accountability. Whom do you know in your life… 1. …from whom you have felt loved just for being who you are? ______________________________ 2.
…who has still supported you even when you have not met his or her expectations? ______________________________
3. …who accepts you regardless of the color of your skin? ______________________________ 4. …who doesn’t care how little or how much money you have? ______________________________ 5. …who doesn’t judge you if you have questions about your sexual orientation – heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, questioning? ______________________________ 6. … who appears to welcome men and women who have struggled and failed more than others? ______________________________ 7. …who doesn’t gossip and keeps conversations confidential, whether those conversations were yours or with other people? ______________________________ 27 Fireproof Ministries 2012. All Rights Reserved. Used by permission. Please do not copy this material in whole or in part. Contact XXXchurch for reprints:
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B. If one or more of the names you have listed above appears more than once, he or she could be a good candidate for confession and accountability. Spend some time in prayer asking God if this is the person to whom you should divulge your secret. C. Contact the person you have selected and request a private meeting. Share your secret.
God created us for community and it is when we are in a community of unconditional love – which is God’s nature – that we begin to thrive and become the best we can be!
CHAPTER 4 – FILL IN THE BLANKS: 1) structured, 2) meaning, 3) White-Knuckle, 4) trust, 5) families, 6) support.
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Digging Deeper Psalm 32:3-6; James 5:16 Focus: Confession = Healing Power Scripture: Psalm 32:3-6, “When I refused to confess my sin, my body wasted away, and I groaned all day long. 4 Day and night your hand of discipline was heavy on me. My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat. Interlude 5 Finally, I confessed all my sins to you and stopped trying to hide my guilt. I said to myself, “I will confess my rebellion to the LORD.” And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone. Interlude 6 Therefore, let all the godly pray to you while there is still time,”
As I read this Psalm, I am reminded of King David and his adulterous affair with Bathsheba. His sin led him to commit murder and to turn his back on God’s plans for his life. In a matter of weeks King David managed to obliterate God’s plans for his life and his personal integrity. Through David’s choices he hurt a host of others and himself.
David describes the agony of unconfessed sin in Psalm 32. He uses descriptive words like: wasted away, groaning, heavy, and evaporated strength. This describes a man experiencing death while still living. When we refuse to confess our sins to God and to one another we walk around breathing but are dead. We have nothing to give anyone else, we are paralyzed by our sin, fear controls our decisions, and we slip further away from God’s abundant life.
1) Read Psalm 6, 32, 38, 51, 102, 130, & 143. In these scriptures David describes the agony produced by his sin. Write a list of various sentences that relate to your current emotions and feelings.
2) Throughout David’s writings he mixes in sentences of hope amongst agony. Write a list of various sentences from the above Psalms that give you encouragement and hope.
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3) It is clear that confession to God is vital to overcoming our shortcomings. James 5:16 directs us to confess our sins one to another. “Make this your common practice: Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you can live together whole and healed.” The word, confess, simply means to take responsibility for your actions. It is to say clearly, “I did it.” In the context of this scripture it is not a law but an opportunity. When we confess our sins to one another we invite others to help us, specifically in prayer, and we admit that we need help. Take some time and write out a prayer of confession to the Lord. Once you have completed this prayer, sit down and share your prayer of confession with your accountability partner.
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Understanding Physiology Part I Chapter 5: The Brain’s Reward System
Up until this point we have been sort of getting going, laying the foundation for what we are doing in this program. Again, our goal in recovery, after we have accepted that we have Unwanted Sexual Behavior, is to discover the real reasons for why we are turning to sex as a way of meeting our needs for unconditional love instead of turning toward friends, family, community, and ultimately God Himself. These real reasons have to do with… • …how your life is structured • …who is in it • …and what meaning life ultimately has for you. How do we start? • The first step you should have taken already, which is to find someone to whom to confess and with whom to find accountability. • In looking at our Sexual Sobriety Map, you can see that our next destination after accepting Unwanted Sexual Behavior, and choosing to be on the Real Change side, is the “Understanding of Physiology.”
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CHAPTER 5 – DAY 9 LESSON 1) Watch the Chapter 5 Video “The Brain’s Reward System.” 2) Jot down thoughts or ideas about things that did or didn’t make sense to you when you watched this lesson. Look to have your questions answered in the next two video lessons. __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________
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CHAPTER 5 – DAY 10 LESSON/WORKBOOK Read the following workbook based off of Day 9’s lesson and fill in the blanks. While some of the answers may be easier than others, the point here is to help you remember key words, terms, or concepts. Answers are at the end of the chapter. I.
The brain remembers what it likes through a neurochemical called _______________. A neurochemical is a substance created by the brain to help control how the brain works.
II.
The ____________________ of the brain, or VTA, sends a continual dose of dopamine to three important parts of the brain. These are the ____________________, _______________, and _______________.
III.
This continual dose of dopamine is called a Basal Secretion Rate.
IV. The Basal Secretion Rate keeps the brain alert so that whenever it comes into contact with anything new or novel, it can give a burst of dopamine to help the brain remember what it liked. A. Neurons 1. Each time these portions of the brain receive dopamine, the neurons in the brain grow stronger in response to those things it likes. Neurons are cells in the nervous system that process and transmit information by electrochemical signaling. 2. These neurons are like __________ in a computer and they help us define the unique people we are and what we like or dislike. 3. In other words, neurons in the brain that are used for certain purposes like watching TV or playing video games get stronger while neurons in the brain that are NOT used for certain purposes, like reading and writing, get pruned out, very much like a tree. 4. Remember the old adage, “If you don’t use it you lose it”? Well, that adage has everything to do with the neurons in your brain. B. What are the parts of the brain the Ventral Tegmental Area send dopamine to and what purposes do they serve? 1. Nucleus Accumbens a) Simply put, this is the brain’s ____________________. b) Dopamine released here from the VTA gives us that feeling of _______________ we are after when we act out sexually.
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2. Prefrontal Cortex a) This is the _______________ part of the brain, in charge of “executive functioning.” This includes decision-making, moderating correct social behavior, social control, and determining between good and bad. b) Dopamine released to the Prefrontal Cortex inhibits or _________ proper reasoning causing poor behavioral choices. 3. Amygdala. a) This part of the brain integrates sight, hearing, touch, smell, and taste with __________ information. b) Dopamine released to the Amygdala helps the brain __________ the sights, sounds, textures, smells, and tastes associated with a given reward. 4. In the spaces below, jot down some freeform notes on experiences you think you have had with dopamine released to these three areas of the brain’s reward system, whether related to pornography or not. For instance, does the sensation of pleasure registered by the Nucleus Accumbens described here sound like something you have experienced? What about the sensation of slowed reasoning in the Prefrontal Cortex or the integration of your five senses with emotional information by the Amygdala? a) Nucleus Accumbens. _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ b) Prefrontal Cortex. _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ c) Amygdala. _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ 34 Fireproof Ministries 2012. All Rights Reserved. Used by permission. Please do not copy this material in whole or in part. Contact XXXchurch for reprints:
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V.
Journal Entry Ideas. A. Is this above information new to you? B. How might knowing this information change the way you look at life? C. Are you surprised to discover that there is more going on with addiction than “sin”?
CHAPTER 5 – FILL IN THE BLANKS: 1) dopamine, 2) Ventral Tegmental Area, 3) Nucleus Accumbens, 4) Prefrontal Cortex, 5) Amygdala, 6) circuits, 7) pleasure center, 8) ecstasy, 9) reasoning, 10) slows, 11) emotional, 12) remember.
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Digging Deeper Galatians 5:17, 19-21 Focus: Battling the Flesh Scripture: Galatians 5:17, “The sinful nature wants to do evil, which is just the opposite of what the Spirit wants. And the Spirit gives us desires that are the opposite of what the sinful nature desires. These two forces are constantly fighting each other, so you are not free to carry out your good intentions.”
Galatians 5:19-21, “When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, 20 idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, 21 envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God.”
The battle is actually occurring inside of us! The thoughts, emotions, chemicals, and conversation inside of us are playing the supporting role in our defeat to sin. It is not all about the external stimulus around us and therefore victory over unwanted sexual behaviors is not to be 100% focused on circumstances, environments, and behaviors. There is way more to this battle than we can see!
1) What does Galatians point to as our motivator to do evil? What effect does this have on our “good intentions”?
2) Paul lists a fairly comprehensive list of behaviors resulting from our “sinful nature”, what results have you clearly seen in your life?
3) Take some time to describe what is taking place inside your thinking when you are experiencing the fight between your sinful nature and the spirit of God. What lies do you have a tendency to believe in the midst of the battle?
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At times it seems like the sinful nature is impossible to overcome. As Paul says in Romans 7, “I want to do right but I choose wrong.” This is incredibly frustrating as we suffer the consequences of our behavior. Our brain seems to stop working, we are unable to reason properly, we are drawn to the reward and yet the result is frustration and shame. It is in this moment of confusion that Paul points us to the answer.
Romans 7:25, “Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.”
4) The answer is not always a new method or strategy for avoiding sin; ultimately Paul says the answer is in a relationship with the person of Jesus. Ask God to reveal himself to you in the midst of your battle with unwanted sexual behavior. Pray he may become more real and personal in your life revealing himself to you in a clear way. Use your journal to write your prayer.
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Understanding Physiology Part II Chapter 6: The Brain’s Reward System and Sexual Addiction
In Chapter 5’s lesson, we discussed three important parts of our brain’s reward system: the Nucleus Accumbens, the Prefrontal Cortex, and the Amygdala.• When dopamine is released to the Nucleus Accumbens, you experience that sense of pleasure associated with a given reward.• When dopamine is released to the Prefrontal Cortex, your reasoning, or your ability to think and make good decisions, is slowed down.• When dopamine is released to the Amygdala, the Amygdala remembers the sights, sounds, smells, tastes, textures, and emotions associated with acquiring a given reward. We hope that you have taken some time to familiarize yourself with these terms and concepts. To know and understand how and why your brain and body do what they do is to have control over your behavior, instead of your behavior having control over you.
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CHAPTER 6 – DAY 11 LESSON 1) Watch the Chapter 6 Video “The Brain’s Reward System and Sexual Addiction.” 2) Jot down some new questions you may have about your brain’s reward system. Were the questions you had from Day 10’s lesson/workbook answered? If not, are you intrigued enough to learn more? _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________
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CHAPTER 6 – DAY 12 LESSON/WORKBOOK Read the following workbook based off of Day 11’s lesson and fill in the blanks. While some of the answers may be easier than others, the point here is to help you remember key words, terms, or concepts. Answers are at the end of the chapter. I.
Brain’s Reward System and Addiction. A. There are two types of addiction, _______________ and _______________. B. With chemical addiction, a substance is introduced into the body (cocaine, methamphetamine, alcohol, etc.) that causes the brain to release neurochemicals that give you a high. C. With behavioral addiction, there is an external stimulus (food, gambling, masturbation, pornography, sex, etc.) that causes the body to release neurochemicals that give us a high. D. Regardless of the substance of abuse, whether chemical or behavioral, _______________ is the driving force of the high and the addiction. E. Why is it important to compare Chemical and Behavioral Addictions? 1. When we are struggling with unwanted sexual behavior, oftentimes we call it a “bad habit” when in truth it is actually more like a ____________________ problem, like struggling with alcoholic or drugs. 2. Addiction, whether chemical or behavioral, is highly _______________. This means that if you have family members or relatives who struggle with addiction, there is an increased possibility that you too may struggle with addiction. 3. Also, if chemical and behavioral addictions are similar physiologically, then the recovery processes for both are very similar.
II.
The Reward System and Sexual Addiction A. However it is that we have begun using sex as a way of managing emotions and feelings, once the brain has continually relied on acting out sexually as a way of releasing ourselves from life’s pressures, that release is no longer just about covering up some deep psychological wound, but instead it’s about meeting the needs of the addicted brain. B. In other words: at some point, the desire to use our Unwanted Sexual Behavior is not just about the pleasure of doing it, but because the brain is so used to doing it that it simply cannot stop. Some professionals have called this being ___________________________________. 40 Fireproof Ministries 2012. All Rights Reserved. Used by permission. Please do not copy this material in whole or in part. Contact XXXchurch for reprints:
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III.
Triggers A. Once the neurons in the brain have been wired to want certain sexual stimuli – like sex, porn, or masturbation – not only are they attached to the stimuli, but, as we have seen with the Amygdala, they are attached to the situations, circumstances, and tools needed to acquire the substance of abuse. B. “Trigger” is another word for “attachment.” There are three types of triggers that may lead us to acting out: ____________________, _________________________, and _________________________. 1. Sexual Triggers1. Clearly, if the addicted brain registers something sexual through sight, hearing, touch, taste, or smell, the VTA is going to release dopamine to the three reward system areas causing a man to want to use his substance of abuse. 2. Jot down 3-5 possibilities for what might be Sexual Triggers for you:i _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________
3. Non-Sexual Environmental Triggers a) Anything that has been present or has previously aided you in acting out sexually – just the sight, touch, taste, smell, or sound of those objects can trigger a release of dopamine that may lead you to acting out. b) Jot down 3-5 possibilities for what might be Non-Sexual Environmental Triggers for you: _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________
4. Non-Sexual Emotional Triggers a) Whatever emotion that has led you to acting out in the past, if that emotion is present the brain can trigger a release of dopamine and, again, your reward system could lead you to act out. 41 Fireproof Ministries 2012. All Rights Reserved. Used by permission. Please do not copy this material in whole or in part. Contact XXXchurch for reprints:
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b) Jot down 3-5 possibilities for what might be Non-Sexual Emotional Triggers for you: _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ 5. Journal entry ideas. a) Looking back, can you think of anyone related to you who struggled with addiction, whether to drugs, alcohol, gambling, or sex? b) At what age were you first exposed to sex, sexual situations, or pornography? c) Can you see how your early exposure to sex, sexual situations, or pornography may have helped wire your brain to want the same in adulthood
CHAPTER 6 – FILL IN THE BLANKS: 1) chemical, 2) behavioral, 3) dopamine, 4) substance abuse, 5) genetic, 6) addicted to being addicted, 7) Sexual, 8) Non-Sexual Environmental, 9) Non-Sexual Emotional.
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Digging Deeper 1 John 4:4, Galatians 5:16,18,22-23,25 Focus: Listening to the Spirit Scripture: 1 John 4:4b“…the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the Spirit who lives in the world.”
Galatians 5:16,18,22-23,25, “So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won’t be doing what your sinful nature craves. 18 But when you are directed by the Spirit, you are not under obligation to the law of Moses. 22 But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, and selfcontrol. There is no law against these things! 25 Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives.”
Do you believe the promises of the Bible? I have to ask myself this on a regular bases because often the promises don’t line up with my experiences. It is easy to doubt the promises of the Bible without really interrogating your own responsibility. Did I choose the spirit or the flesh? If I am living in the flesh then how can I expect to experience the promises of the spirit?
The bible says, “the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the Spirit who lives in the world.”
1) When is the last time you have experienced victory by the Spirit? Write out a few bullet points highlighting recent victories in your battle against the flesh.
2) I truly believe the more we listen to and follow the leading of the Holy Spirit the more we HEAR the Spirits leading. What spiritual practices can you build into your life to increase the Spirit’s guiding?
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3) The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. On a scale of 1-10 rate the fruit in your life and identify one possible action item to increase fruitfulness.
Love: Peace: Patience: Kindness: Goodness: Faithfulness: Gentleness: Self-Control:
4) Share 2 highest and lowest rated fruit and actions items with your accountability partner.
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Understanding Physiology Part III Chapter 7: Going Sober
Up to this point, we have discussed Unwanted Sexual Behavior, the difference between WhiteKnuckle and Real Change, and the Physiology of Addiction.
Today we are going to talk about… • What needs to happen to get the brain’s reward system off of the object of its addiction: pornography, strip clubs, prostitutes, sex, etc. • What that process is going to be like.
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CHAPTER 7 – DAY 13 LESSON 1) Watch the Chapter 7 Video “Going Sober.” 2) Jot down 3-5 ideas on how you can love and nurture yourself through the process of going sober. Examples include going on walks, spending time with friends, or treating yourself to something joyful like a movie or a good meal. _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________
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CHAPTER 7 – DAY 14 LESSON/WORKBOOK Read the following worksheet based off of Day 13’s lesson and fill in the blanks/respond to the questions. While some of the answers may be easier than others, the point here is to help you remember key words, terms, or concepts. Answers are at the end of the chapter. I. Getting off of the object of our addiction. A. As we have discussed, in addiction, the brain becomes very attached to the things it likes. The _______________ in the brain have strengthened themselves in such a way that they are repeatedly drawn toward the things that it is used to, in our case sex, masturbation, pornography, strip clubs, prostitutes, etc… 1. The _______________ is used to getting its dopamine fix of sexual pleasure. 2. The _______________ is used to slowing itself down so that you can get the sexual fix you crave. 3. And the _______________ is so connected to all of the sights, sounds, smells, tastes, textures, and emotions that are associated with your Unwanted Sexual Behavior that you’re triggered to use whether you realize it or not. B. So what do we do once our brains have changed in this way? What do we do now that our brains are “addicted to being addicted” and we have lost control of our behavior and are having difficulties living the lives we would like to live? 1. We need to __________ using the object of our addiction. 2. In stopping, those areas of the brain – the neurons – that have become “addicted to being addicted” start to heal, and if we are intentional enough, and begin engaging in doing things that are meaningful and life producing – like spending time with unconditionally loving friendships, family, church, and God – our brains will then want to do those things, instead of using sex as a compulsive way of managing our emotions. II. What still needs to be understood? A. In Chapter 4 we discussed the term “self-differentiation.” B. Again, our definition of self-differentiation is an ability to see yourself as separate from those people or groups of people in your life who love you _______________, which means that they don’t just love you for who you are (warts and all), but love you only if you act or behave in a certain way. C. It is this concept of self-differentiation that is at the core of sexual addiction: an ability to remain in relationship with other people while remaining an individual with individual needs and desires without the need to act out sexually. 1. For some men, this process of self-differentiation is much easier than for others. Some men are capable of simply discovering that this reality of self-differentiation exists and they can create and establish boundaries between themselves and others while still remaining in relationship without acting out sexually. 2. But for other men, seeing themselves as separate from others may be a very difficult task. Perhaps your experience in childhood was that of __________. 47 Fireproof Ministries 2012. All Rights Reserved. Used by permission. Please do not copy this material in whole or in part. Contact XXXchurch for reprints:
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Dealing with and managing the realities of those events and the people who did them to you may be more than you are capable of doing on your own. a) And that is why you need your _________________________. b) As you go through the process of recovery, you need someone in your life who loves you ____________________ and is willing to take your side when other people aren’t. This is what Christ has called us to as brothers and sisters in His name. Any church worth it’s salt should have at least a few men or women who are ready, willing, and able to provide you with this kind of support. 3. But the truth is, you’re never going to get to the reality, or the ____________________ side of recovery, if you don’t go sober and begin to touch, feel, and face the areas in your life where you received, or are receiving, conditional love and then start the process of creating new places in your life where there is _______________ love. a) This is to key to sexual addiction recovery. b) And it takes effort and it takes time. c) As you can see, locating areas in your life where conditional love exists, and creating new centers of unconditional love, takes a great deal of reflection, and working with other people, and trusting other people. d) This is what is going to be discussed in the remainder of our sessions: not only how to go sober and remain that way, but also how to manage all that we will find in our lives once we have gone sober. D. Jot down 3-5 people, places, or things you know you must lose or learn to manage in your life in order to begin going sober. If helpful, return to the response you had to the question posted for Chapter 2, Day 3.IV. Jot down 3-5 wonderful new people, places, or things you could gain if you take the courageous step of becoming sober and free of your Unwanted Sexual Behavior. If helpful, return to the response you had to the question posted for Chapter 3, Day 5. _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ E. Instead of, or in addition to journaling at the end of this workbook, if you haven’t already done it, gather up all of the porn you still have access to – the videos, the DVDs, the magazines, the hard drives…whatever the media the pornography is on, and break it, shred it, or burn it. Assuredly, your accountability partner can help you if you need it.
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CHAPTER 7 – FILL IN THE BLANKS: 1) neurons, 2) Nucleus Accumbens, 3) Prefrontal Cortex, 4) Amygdala, 5) stop, 6)conditionally, 7) abuse, 8) accountability partner, 9) unconditionally, 10) Real Change, 11) unconditional
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Digging Deeper Ephesians 6:10-18 Focus: Waging War
As we discussed in this session, Sobriety is being purposeful about avoiding the harmful behavior present our lives. Absolutely essential to recovery is waging an all out war against our harmful behavior. Continuing to participate in your sin while attempting recovery is counterproductive and will result in relapse and failure. The beginning stages of recovery may feel like white-knuckle change where you are putting a lot of attention on behavior. We know that this is not the key to long term change and freedom, but is essential in order to work through the deeprooted cause of your addiction. So how do we wage war while walking through the process of real change?
Scripture: Ephesians 6:10-18, “A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. 12 For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. 13 Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. 14 Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. 15 For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. 16 In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. 17 Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18 Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere.”
1) Why do you think evil is concerned about defeating you in this battle of unwanted sexual behavior?
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2) Where does Paul point you for strength in the midst of the battle? What does the Lord possess that we often lack? (Vs. 10)
3) Similar to a military battle there are moments of chaos as well as silence. The calm before the storm allows us to reevaluate our game plan, our battle strategy, and our weapons. In your battle for purity you must evaluate the weapons being used in the battle. List the body armor and the weapons described in Ephesians 6 you will use along with the corresponding meanings.
4) Verse 13 offers an expected outcome to the battle when wearing God’s body armor. Fill in the blanks below:
“Therefore, put ____ every piece of ______ _________ so you will be able to _______ the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the __________ you ______ still be _________________ firm.”
Memorize Ephesians 6:13.
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Abstinence Part I
Chapter 8: Sobriety Sheets, Part I: Creating a Victorious Environment So far we have discussed Unwanted Sexual Behavior, differentiated between White-Knuckle and Real Change, examined what happens inside the brain with addiction (physiology), and are now in the discussion of Abstinence.
Again, remember that one of our core principles in remaining on the Real Change side of our Sexual Sobriety Map is that we put sobriety first in our life and let that decision shape the course of other decisions.
While perhaps at first, in going sober, you may need to grit your teeth and White-Knuckle your sobriety until your brain heals and you gain some self-confidence, our point in abstinence, as we mentioned in chapters 4 and 5, is to discover the real reasons for why we are turning to sex as a way of meeting our needs for love instead of turning toward friends, family, community, and/or ultimately God himself. It will be next to impossible to discover those real reasons if you continue to mask them with your Unwanted Sexual Behavior. Unfortunately, in order to fix the ruptured water line, you need to dig deep underground to find it.
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CHAPTER 8 – DAY 15 LESSON 1) Watch the Chapter 8 Video “Sobriety Sheets, Part I: Creating a Victor-ious Environment.” 2) Look back at the notes you jotted down for Chapter 2, Day 3. Have the things you are willing to change in your life in order to be free of your Unwanted Sexual Behavior changed? What are those changes? _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________
CHAPTER 8 – DAY 16 LESSON/WORKBOOK In this workbook portion, you will take time to start filling out your Sobriety Sheets. Please locate Sheet One at the end of this Lesson/Workbook and follow the discussion below.
I.
Triggers: if you look closely at Sheet One of your Sobriety Sheets, you will see listed in the first column the three types of triggers we mentioned in Chapter 6: Sexual, Non-Sexual Environmental, and Non-Sexual Emotional. A. Sexual Triggers 1. These are anything sexual in nature that causes you to want to engage in your Unwanted Sexual Behavior. These could be… a) The sight of scantily clad or naked women or men. b) Sex scenes in movies either explicit or implicit. c) And, of course, pornography, strip clubs, prostitutes, etc. 2. Go ahead and list as many Sexual Triggers as you can list on your Sobriety Sheets using your answers in the Chapter 6 Workbook as your guide. B. Non-Sexual Environmental Triggers 53 Fireproof Ministries 2012. All Rights Reserved. Used by permission. Please do not copy this material in whole or in part. Contact XXXchurch for reprints:
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1. These are people, places, or things that cause you to want to engage in your Unwanted Sexual Behavior. Remember in our discussion of the Amygdala? That’s the part of the brain’s reward system that remembers the sights, sounds, tastes, smells, and textures of anything that helped you acquire the object of your Unwanted Sexual Behavior? These could be… a) The sound of a computer. b) The smell of a certain room in which you have used the object of your addiction. c) The sight of certain nighttime city streets where you have hired prostitutes. 2. Go ahead and list as many Non-Sexual Environmental Triggers as you can list on your Sobriety Sheets using your answers in the Chapter 6 Workbook as your guide. C. Non-Sexual Emotional Triggers 1. These are the feelings and emotions that are often present during the times in which you have used. These could be any range of emotions. a) The big four are remembered by the acrostic HALT – hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. b) It could be frustration. c) It could be anxiety or despair. d) It could even be times of happiness and joy. 2. Again, we went ahead and filled in the first line of Non-Sexual Emotional Triggers for you. It reads, “Conditional Love.” Why did we do this? a) Our definition for self-differentiation is an ability to see yourself as separate from those people or groups of people in your life who love you conditionally, which means that they don’t just love you for who you are (warts and all), but love you only if you act or behave in a certain way. b) Whenever you feel a sense of conditional love, in whatever form, you become anxious, and for the addicted man who has a difficult time managing his emotions, in these times of anxiety he turns to the idols of Unwanted Sexual Behavior – masturbation, porn, strip clubs, sex, etc. – instead of to friends, family, community, and God Himself. c) Go ahead and list as many Non-Sexual Emotional Triggers as you can list on your Sobriety Sheets using your answers in the Chapter 6 Workbook as your guide.II. II.
Remedy Actions: as you can see, on the left hand side of our “Creating a Victorious Environment” sheet, there are a number of spots where you can write down a remedy action for each and every one of your triggers. A Remedy Action is whatever step you need to take to avoid or manage your triggers. They can be both physical and mental. A. Remedy Actions for Sexual Triggers 1. This really is very straightforward. For example, if being on the beach around women or men wearing bathing suits is a Sexual Trigger for you then your Remedy Action is 54 Fireproof Ministries 2012. All Rights Reserved. Used by permission. Please do not copy this material in whole or in part. Contact XXXchurch for reprints:
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either to keep your sexual imagination in check, your eyes to yourself, or not go to the beach. 2. If seeing online ads for dating services or swimsuit magazines is a Sexual Trigger, then you either need to get some sort of blocking software on your computer, don’t go online, or stop using computers until you have healed enough to control your behavior. 3. Go ahead and list as many Remedy Actions as you can for your Sexual Triggers. B. Remedy Actions for Non-Sexual Environmental Triggers 1. As you discover the environmental triggers that affect you and you begin to write them down – whether they are certain rooms, certain smells in certain rooms, certain streets or locations, different people who make you feel certain emotions – it’s your job to figure out how you are going to remedy these environmental triggers. 2. At least you can be aware that they exist so that when they arise and you are triggered you can acknowledge that they are the cause of your being triggered. At most you can begin to change or eliminate certain environmental triggers like the color of rooms, the rooms themselves, entire apartments, or even people who are unhealthy for your recovery. 3. Remember, this is about sobriety first, not about whether or not you just spent a lot of money on a new computer or whether or not you don’t want to tell your roommate to stop bringing home sexual partners in the middle of the night. If you continue to be triggered and you continue to use, you need to take a long hard look at your environment and decide what in it is helping you reach your potential and what isn’t and then get rid of what isn’t. Plain and simple. 4. Go ahead and list as many Remedy Actions as you can for your Non-Sexual Environmental Triggers. C. Remedy Actions for Non-Sexual Emotional Triggers 1. Again, these triggers are often the most illusive of the three and not only might it be difficult figuring out what they are, but it might be difficult figuring out how to remedy them. 2. If you notice, just as we wrote down your number one Non-Sexual Emotional Trigger, we also wrote down your number one Non-Sexual Emotional Remedy Actions. These four “Recovery Targets” will be the direct discussion of Chapters 11-14 and cover how to manage the emotions related to experiencing conditional love. 3. In the meantime, go ahead and list as many Remedy Actions as you can for your Non-Sexual Emotional Triggers. If this is difficult for you, wait until we enter Chapters 11-14 where you may get some good ideas. III.
If listing your triggers becomes emotionally challenging for you, don’t forget to rely on your accountability partner for advice and support.
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Sheet One: Creating a Victorious Environment Sexual Triggers
Remedy Actions
1
1
2
2
3
3
4
4
5
5
Non-Sexual Environmental Triggers
Remedy Actions
1
1
2
2
3
3
4
4
5
5
Non-Sexual Emotional Triggers
Remedy Actions
1 Conditional Love
1
2
2
3
3
4
4
5
5
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Sheet Two: “Escape Plan” I. Mental and Physical Reminders A. B. C. D. E.
II.Confession A.God B. Accountability Partner
III. Focus on the “Yes” A.Your Purpose: B. C. D. E.
IV.Revisit and Update Trigger Lists
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Digging Deeper 1 Corinthians 9:24-25 Focus: Growing Weary
When we are hungry, angry, lonely, or TIRED the temptation to fall back into unwanted sexual behaviors increases. These are only four of a whole host of triggers that might take you back into the world of sexual addiction. After eight sessions of this workshop be ready for Satan to throw these triggers at you with extra fervor. Now is not the time to ease up, loosen your accountability, or place yourself in tempting environments. We have to keep racing to win and that requires strict training.
Scripture: “You've all been to the stadium and seen the athletes race. Everyone runs; one wins. Run to win. All good athletes train hard. They do it for a gold medal that tarnishes and fades. You're after one that's gold eternally.” [1 CORINTHIANS 9:24-25]
Watching an Olympic athlete compete is incredible and inspiring; each athlete executes his or her sport with such confidence and skill. Many people become so inspired by these athletes that they also decide to begin participating in the sport. When they actually lace up their shoes and start running it doesn’t take long before the difficulty and challenge of the sport is realized. No athlete becomes successful without disciplined training and the training is the hard part.
In your journey to overcome unwanted sexual behavior you can begin running but your success is largely a result of your training. Without training you may step out on the track and begin to feel an example of what this life could offer, but the experience will be short lived. I urge you today to commit yourself to the training. 1) What spiritual training do you need to adopt in order to “run to win”?
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2) How will you define winning in your journey?
3) Create goals to energize you in your training towards purity. List and define 1, 3, & 6-month goals. For example:
My 1-month goal is to refrain from acting out, complete the X3pure workshop, and actively participate in weekly recovery meetings. My 3-month goal is to maintain sexual purity, read 3 books related to overcoming unwanted sexual behaviors, regularly meet with an accountability partner, and exercise 3 days a week. Etc. 1-Month Goal:
3-Month Goal:
6-Month Goal:
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of this journey is believing the impossible is possible. The areas of your life where you have seen repeated failure can become areas of consistent victory. Hold on tight to these encouraging words and make them your no nonsense response to temptation: 1 Corinthians 9:26-27, “I don't know about you, but I'm running hard for the finish line. I'm giving it everything I've got. No sloppy living for me! I'm staying alert and in top condition. I'm not going to get caught napping, telling everyone else all about it and then missing out myself.”
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AbstinencePart II
Chapter 9: “Escape Plan” As you can see by looking at our Sexual Sobriety Map, we have already discussed Unwanted Sexual Behavior, have distinguished between White-Knuckle and Real Change, have explored the physiology of behavioral addiction, and we are now discussing abstinence, which means the process of becoming and remaining sober from the objects of our Unwanted Sexual Behavior – porn, masturbation, strip clubs, etc. As mentioned, in our last session, we discussed the need to discover and list our three types of triggers – Sexual, Non-Sexual Environmental, and Non-Sexual Emotional – and explored the need for finding and sticking to our Remedy Actions, which are the steps we take to avoid our triggers. Today, we will discuss what we should do when and if we are triggered. This is called our “Escape Plan.”
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CHAPTER 9 – DAY 17 LESSON 1) Watch the Chapter 9 Video “Sobriety Sheets, Part II: Escape Plan.” 2) Look into the future. Describe here or in your journal a moment when you would need to have your Sobriety Sheets handy and what it would be like to use them. _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________
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CHAPTER 9 – DAY 18 LESSON/WORKBOOK The second of our two Sobriety Sheets is our “Escape Plan.” It is to be used whenever you are triggered, and especially when you find yourself triggered and you… • Either don’t know where the trigger came from, or… • The Remedy Action you have chosen for a given trigger doesn’t seem to be strong enough. When you are triggered, and you feel as if you could easily start going down that road toward acting out sexually, with a filled out and prepared Escape Plan, you can either look at that sheet, or recall it from memory, and by starting at the top get yourself to start controlling your behavior before it controls you. In this workbook portion, you will start filling out your Escape Plan. Please locate Sheet Two at the end of Chapter 8’s Lesson/Workbook and follow the discussion below. I.
Mental and Physical Reminders A. As you can see, the first item on your Escape Plan is “Mental and Physical Reminders.” Below that heading are five spaces where items can be listed. B. As you should remember from our discussion of physiology during Chapters 5, 6, and 7, when you are triggered by a Sexual, Non-Sexual Environmental, or Non-Sexual Emotional Trigger, the Ventral Tegmental Area of the brain releases a burst of dopamine to those three Reward System areas. C. Significantly, when you are triggered, and dopamine is released to the Prefrontal Cortex – the reasoning part of the brain – your ability to make good decisions about your behavior begins to slow down. What this means is, the sooner you stop the flow of dopamine to your prefrontal context, the easier it will be for you to maintain your sobriety. D. With that said, on your Escape Plan under “Mental and Physical Reminders,” add a number of ways you can mentally or physically retrain your brain when you are triggered so as to control dopamine release to the Prefrontal Cortex. 1. Some men memorize Bible verses that remind them of their value and purpose. 2. Other men list what matters most to them like their wives, children, or friends. 3. Other men have rubber bands on their wrists and snap them to get their mind refocused. E. Confession: If at this point after becoming triggered keeping your mind focused on what matters is difficult, confession becomes key and there are two options – God and your accountability partner. 1. God: He already knows what you are going through. Talk to Him. Be honest and ask for His strength. Take in His Love and you can get refocused. 2. Accountability Partner a) If you notice, contacting your accountability partner is almost exactly halfway down the page. There is a reason why. This is the make or break moment. Those men who have been triggered and have found that nothing in their power is 63 Fireproof Ministries 2012. All Rights Reserved. Used by permission. Please do not copy this material in whole or in part. Contact XXXchurch for reprints:
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helping them remain focused, whether or not they contacted their accountability partner was the difference between whether they remained sober or acted out sexually. b) Have your accountability partner’s contact info written down on this sheet, logged in your phone, and/or memorized. If helpful, have your accountability partner focus on the following questions/statements when you call: (1) “What are you doing right now?” (2) “What are you going to go do after we get off of the phone (e.g. ‘Focus on the Yes’)?” (3) “You’re OK and I support you.”iii. Remember: the purpose of your accountability partner is not to console you after you have acted out. His or her purpose is to help you make it through the exciting but challenging first stages of going sober. 3. Focus on the Yes. a) Your Purpose: (1) After having been triggered, using your mental and physical reminders, and confessing to and receiving unconditional love from God and/or your accountability partner, your next step is to “Focus on the Yes.” (2) What “focusing on the yes” means is that instead of focusing on the things that frustrate you in life, or the things that tempt you, you focus on the healthy things that bring you an immense amount of pleasure, chief among these is your God-given purpose. Many of you may know what you love most in life, what pulls you and calls you. (3) If you don’t feel as if you know your calling in life, respond to the following questions either here or in your journal to help you get a handle on what your purpose may be. (a) What physically and morally healthy activities do you enjoy doing more than anything else in this world? _________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________ (b) What physically and morally healthy activities have blessed you spiritually, financially, or with unconditionally loving community? _________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________ 64 Fireproof Ministries 2012. All Rights Reserved. Used by permission. Please do not copy this material in whole or in part. Contact XXXchurch for reprints:
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(4) What physically and morally healthy activities have potential for serving God and God’s community in a constructive way? b) Other fun activities (1) But in addition to your purpose, what are you passionate about? What do you love? What is that thing you just wish you could spend all of your waking time doing but just don’t take the time to do? List those activities. (2) In James 4:14 the writer writes, “Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.” 4. Revisit and Update Trigger Lists a) a. The last item on your Escape Plan is far more crucial than you can possibility imagine. b) Once you have made it out of the jungle of being triggered, it is imperative that you take some time to locate what the trigger was, add it to your Sobriety Sheets if it wasn’t there already, and if it was there, you need to revisit your Remedy Action for that trigger. Was it strong enough? Could you do more to create a victorious environment for yourself? 5. As you will discover, especially in Chapter 12, you are not triggered to use the object of your addiction for absolutely no reason at all. Somewhere, somehow, there was something either in your environment or in your emotions that made you think that acting out sexually was a good idea. The key to discovering the peace and joy of sobriety are your triggers. If you locate them, face them, and learn to manage them, you can be on your way to freedom, guaranteed.
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Digging Deeper 1 Corinthians 10:13 Focus: No Temptation to Great
Sometimes saying “No” is the most difficult word to speak. The trembling inside my body that eventually permeates to my arms and legs is like an emergency signal reminding me that moving forward is not best. Even with promptings from the Spirit of God and a physical reaction we still say “yes” when “no” is the better choice. This draw to engage in what we know is not good and is actually flat out evil does not have to overcome us. We can say “No!” You can say “NO!”
The scriptures promise us that no temptation is so great that we have to fall into it; no temptation is beyond our limits or to the point where we have no choice in whether to engage or disengage. The scriptures remind us that no temptation is too great.
Scripture: 1 Corinthians 10:13, “No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it.”
Hebrews 4:14-16, “Now that we know what we have—Jesus, this great High Priest with ready access to God—let's not let it slip through our fingers. We don't have a priest who is out of touch with our reality. He's been through weakness and testing, experienced it all—all but the sin. So let's walk right up to him and get what he is so ready to give. Take the mercy, accept the help.”
As previously discussed, sexual addiction is simply turning sex into an idol. We place sex above real relationships, family, church, and ultimately God. In Jesus’ temptation, recorded in Matthew 4, Satan tempts Jesus with all the kingdoms of the world. Sounds funny because we know that ultimately Jesus IS the creator of the world and wins this war in the end. However, Satan restricts instant access to all the kingdoms of the world unless he bows down and worships him. Satan wanted the affection and worship of Jesus.
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This temptation is similar to what we face today. You will receive the reward you are looking for if you will just bow down and worship sex. Your mind plays a constant dialogue attempting to convince you that this is the meaning of your life; this is what you have been searching for; this will deliver all your dreams. However, we know that this is not true and it is essential that we deny the temptation. It sounds good, seems like a shortcut, may provide me with satisfaction – but this dialogue is a lie from the Devil.
Jesus responds to Satan,
“Get out of here, Satan,” Jesus told him. “For the Scriptures say, ‘You must worship the LORD your God and serve only him.” [Matthew 4:10]
Jesus teaches us that we can’t always believe what we are told. Not everything or everyone that promises a reward can actually deliver. And even though the possibility of escaping the cross sounded ideal to Jesus, He knew it was not a viable shortcut to rescuing man. And even though porn and acting out sexually sound like a viable shortcut, it cannot deliver.
Just like Jesus we can also say “NO” to the temptation. 1) 1 Corinthians 10 promises us that our temptation is similar to what others have faced. How does this provide comfort in the midst of the battle?
2) If Jesus is always available to help you through temptation, in what ways can you include him in the struggle when it occurs?
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3) Hebrews 4 encourages us to “take the mercy” and “accept the help” of Jesus. Mercy is defined as compassion and also easing of distress. How has Jesus proven to you, in your life, that he is a merciful Savior? List several examples.
Often people have an image of God that is at odds with their temptation. He may be seen as a judge detached from the ability to have a personal relationship with humans. This perspective of God makes it really difficult for us to approach him for help in the midst of temptation. ! Corinthians10 and Hebrews 4 paint a picture of God eagerly waiting for your call for help. He is a merciful, compassionate God who desires nothing more than to be actively involved in your rescue. He proved this by sending his only Son to earth top sacrifice his life so we may win in the end. Lean on this Savior, and a warped picture of God that has been developed through incompetent human relationships. God is one you can always turn to and rely upon. 4) Confess your tendency to run to idols instead of to God. Ask him to give you the strength to combat temptation in partnership with Him. Ask him for the strength to say “NO” as temptation arises this week.
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Acceptance of Conditional Love Chapter 10: “Reinventing Our Lives”
If you look at our Sexual Sobriety Map, we’re working our way much further down toward our goal of “Pursuit of Unconditional Love.” As we’ve stated repeatedly, we’ve covered Unwanted Sexual Behavior, discussed the difference between White-Knuckle and Real Change, explored the Physiology of the brain and addiction, and have just come out of understanding the true nature of Abstinence. We are now entering into “Acceptance of Conditional Love.”
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CHAPTER 10 - DAY 19 LESSON 1) Watch the Chapter 10 Video “Reinventing Our Lives.” 2) Jot down some ideas on where conditional love may exist in your life and how you may begin to reinvent your life into one that centers on unconditional love. __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________
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CHAPTER 10 – DAY 20 LESSON/WORKBOOK Read the following workbook based off of Day 19’s lesson and fill in the blanks/respond to the questions. While some of the answers may be easier than others, the point here is to help you remember key words, terms, or concepts. Answers are at the end of the chapter. I.
Acceptance of Conditional Love A. As we already discussed, the bottom portion of your Sobriety Sheets may be the hardest portion for you to fill out. This may be the case for two reasons. 1. Realizing that it is our _______________ states, not other things, that have caused us to act out sexually can be upsetting, and for some men even shaming. After all, the whole reason why we have turned to acting out sexually as a way to manage our emotions is because we don’t want to face our emotions! 2. Even if we can accept the reality that it is our emotional states that are causing us to act out sexually, many of us have no clue what-so-ever as to what the heck should be done to either change or manage the causes of these emotional states; in other words, we don’t even know what the heck to put down for our Remedy Actions. B. What we have tried to do for you is make the beginning stages of your recovery as easy and as manageable as we can. As you know by now, instead of leaving you guessing as to what your key Non-Sexual Emotional Trigger is, we typed it in for you: ____________________.
II.
Conditional Love. A. In Chapters 4 and 7 we discussed the term ____________________: an ability to see yourself as separate from those people or groups of people in your life who love you conditionally, which means that they don’t just love you for who you are (warts and all), but love you only if you act or behave in a certain way. B. We all come from and belong to different “systems.” These systems are families, schools, communities, or even our crazy media-filled society. We all play a part in these systems. C. For example, if we look at a family, that family is a system that is often made up of a mother, a father, brothers, sisters, etc. In that system, we have a ¬__________ to play, almost like parts within a machine. Whatever the role we grew up playing, we are expected to continue playing that role by the rest of the members of the family because their roles depend on us remaining in the role they expect us to play.
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D. To help you visualize and understand the role you may be playing in a given system. Take time exploring the following questions: 1. What is your earliest childhood memory? How do you see yourself in that memory? For example, do you see yourself as smart or dumb, capable or incapable, loved or unloved? ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ 2. Has how you see yourself in that memory been how you have seen yourself throughout your life? Give a couple of recent examples. ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ 3. Often, how we see ourselves in our earliest childhood memories is the role that we play throughout our lives. Write down what role you think you played in your family of origin and explain how love and affection may have been withheld from you if you did not play that role. ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ E. The role you may have pinpointed for yourself, a role you may no longer wish to play, may be the role that is causing you the anxiety that is leading you to act out in your Unwanted Sexual Behavior. F. If you are interested in knowing more about what is called Family Systems Theory. Please check out the following resources… 1. Recalling Our Own Stories by Edward P. Wimberly. (San Francisco: Jossey Bass, 1997). 2. How Your Church Family Works: Understanding Congregations as Emotional Systems by Peter L. Steinke. (Bethesda, MD: The Alban Institute, 1993). 72 Fireproof Ministries 2012. All Rights Reserved. Used by permission. Please do not copy this material in whole or in part. Contact XXXchurch for reprints:
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3. Old Wine in New Skins : Centering Prayer and Systems Theory by Paul David Lawson. (Lantern Books, 2000). III.
Reinventing our Lives A. In the end, we feel drawn toward acting out sexually when the world around us makes us feel as if it is not OK to be who we are and that in order to receive love we need to be someone whom we aren’t. Again, this is _______________ love. B. If conditional love is the cause for our acting out sexually, then the solution to our unwanted sexual behavior is the conversion of conditional love into ____________________ love. In other words, we need to take the conditional love that exists in our lives and change it into or replace it with unconditional love. C. During the next four chapters we will be discussing in greater detail what we call our Four Recovery Targets in achieving and maintaining sobriety, which represent this conversion of conditional love into unconditional love. They are… 1. Recovery Target #1: Psychological Examination of Feelings. 2. Recovery Target #2: Seeking, Establishing, and Engaging in Community. 3. Recovery Target #3: Truth, Trust, and Territory. 4. Recovery Target #4: Development and Exploration of Genuine Faith.
IV. Journal entry ideas. A. What is the story you were told around you being born? Is it a positive or negative story? B. What is your nickname? Does it have a positive or negative inference? Is your nickname tied to the role you feel you are expected to play in your family or elsewhere? C. Journal some thoughts on how you feel you can start to take ownership and change both your birth story and your nickname. See if you can reframe the core stories you tell about who you are and where you came from into positive stories.
CHAPTER 10 – FILL IN THE BLANKS: 1) emotional, 2) conditional love, 3) self-differentiation, 4) role, 5) conditional, 6) unconditional.
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Digging Deeper 2 Corinthians 1:3 Focus: True Intended Father
When you think about God do you see him more as a Father or a Judge? Is God’s response to your sin immediate distance and anger or heartbreak and affection? The way you see and understand God makes a huge difference in the way you lean on him for help in your journey.
A close friend has spent most of his life with a false picture of God dictating his life. When he was young his father helped place these pictures in his mind. His father physically and sexually abused him and was the source of all sorts of pain in his life. He believed that If God was a father then he must be like his earthly Dad. For years he struggled with God because he couldn’t understand how a loving God would allow him to experience such pain and abuse. One afternoon he was crying out to God and he finally blurted out this question, “God, where were you when my Dad was beating me?” The answer was silence. Later while reading 2 Corinthians 1, it became clear. “If God is a merciful, loving Dad, then when I was being abused God was weeping for my pain.” It is not that God is absent or like my earthly father – he is full of love, full of compassion, and his heart breaks when we experience the hurts, abuse, and pains of life.
Is your image of God consistent with 2 Corinthians 1:3?
Scripture: 2 Corinthians 1:3, “All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort.” 1) What are the two main characteristics of God the Father listed in 2 Corinthians 1:3?
2) The term Father occurs approximately 260 times in the New Testament and 117 times in the book of John alone. Why do you think the bible references God as a Father so often?
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MERCY: The purpose of mercy, as intended in this 2 Corinthians 1:3, is that Father God is the ultimate source of mercy. It is his compassion extended to those who have sinned. This mercy does not condemn but promotes growth in the midst of the problems, guilt, and sin we experience.
COMFORT: God is prepared to use every variety of comfort that exists to help you in this life. The word comfort also refers to encouragement. God the Father is your cheerleader giving you the encouragement necessary to keep fighting and to keep pressing forward in the journey.
3) How have you experienced God’s mercy and comfort recently?
4) Read John 1:18, What does he say about the relationship between Jesus, the “unique one” and God?
“No one has ever seen God. But the unique One, who is himself God, is near to the Father’s heart. He has revealed God to us.” If Jesus and God are one then the characteristics of God are also the characteristics of Jesus. Read the below scriptures and find comfort in God the Father’s work in your life.
John 5:17, “But Jesus replied, “My Father is always working, and so am I.”
John 5:19, “So Jesus explained, “I tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing by himself. He does only what he sees the Father doing. Whatever the Father does, the Son also does.”
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John 5:26, “The Father has life in himself, and he has granted that same life-giving power to his Son.”
John 5:30, “I can do nothing on my own…”
John 6:32, “Jesus said, “I tell you the truth, Moses didn’t give you bread from heaven. My Father did. And now he offers you the true bread from heaven.”
John 6:37, “However, those the Father has given me will come to me, and I will never reject them.”
Continue reading through the book of John and notice the amazing picture of God the Father that is described. God is your true intended Father who is full of mercy and comfort and He is someone you can lean on and trust today. Fight against fears of rejection, judgment, and wrath – run to God the Father for the comfort and encouragement you desperately need.
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Pursuit of Unconditional Love Part I Chapter 11: “Recovery Target #1: Psychological Examination of Feelings”
In this and the next three video lessons we will cover our four Recovery Targets. Our Recovery Targets are the active ways in which we can daily work toward converting, or exchanging, the conditional love that exists in our life for unconditional love, that is, love that is given to us no matter who or what we are or do. These four Recovery Targets are: • Psychological Examination of Feelings. • Seeking, Establishing, and Engaging in Community. • Truth, Trust, and Territory. • Development and Exploration of Genuine Faith.
Our first Recovery Target is the subject of this chapter.
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CHAPTER 11 – DAY 21 LESSON 1) Watch the Chapter 11 Video “Recovery Target #1: Psychological Examination of Feelings. 2) Jot down here or in your journal some notes on what it would look like for you to personally explore the psychological issues that are discussed in this lesson. Is it scary or exciting, upsetting or liberating? Do you have the support from your accountability partner to do this? __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________
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CHAPTER 11 – DAY 22 LESSON/WORKBOOK Read the following workbook based off of Day 21’s lesson and fill in the blanks. While some of the answers may be easier than others, the point here is to help you remember key words, terms, or concepts. Answers are at the end of the chapter. I.
Systems Theory Reprised. A. In our last chapter we discussed what therapists call Family Systems Theory. Basically, this theory explores the reality that we all belong to various different systems whether they are family, community, church, or society. B. In those systems we play different __________ that other people within those systems expect us to play. C. This is the root of _______________ love: feeling as if we have to be someone whom we aren’t in order to receive love. When we live in these kinds of systems, and don’t know how to manage them, we can act out sexually, wanting a place to hide and find shelter from the mental and physical demands of our environment. D. But there is more to understanding our sexual behavior than just looking at our current challenges with living in difficult social systems. It goes much deeper than that and it goes to the very core of who we are as individuals and our experiences as children.II.
II.
Psychoanalysis. A. Early Childhood Development 1. Since birth, your __________ becomes very attached, or wired, to the person most capable of helping you survive in the world. This could be a mother, or father, or other caretakers. 2. Especially at a young age, you will do anything it takes to make sure that your caregivers care for and love you, for without them you could wither, and even die. a) You sense their __________, whether they are happy, angry, frustrated, or tired. b) And if they are angry, frustrated, tired, or show any other negative emotions, you try very hard to __________ those emotions to make them into emotions that would ensure that you are loved and cared for. 3. But how can a helpless child change the moods of an unhappy and therefore inattentive parent? 4. He does so by changing _______________. B. Pathogenic Beliefs 1. If a child can avoid having a break or a separation in his bond with his parents or caregivers he will do it immediately by changing, altering, or suppressing his feelings, desires, and even the way he sees himself in the world. 2. If a parent or guardian is abusive, whether verbally, emotionally, physically, or sexually, a child does not immediately think that the parent or guardian is at fault for 79 Fireproof Ministries 2012. All Rights Reserved. Used by permission. Please do not copy this material in whole or in part. Contact XXXchurch for reprints:
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doing it, he immediately thinks that it was because of something that he said, did, or is as a person. After all, it couldn’t possibly be the powerful parent’s fault that they are physically or emotionally abusive, they are the ones who are supposed to nurture and protect. 3. In blaming ourselves for what really were our parents’ or guardians’ mistakes of conditional love, we develop what are called _________________________. These beliefs are deep-seeded “icky feelings” such as “I am dumb,” “I am incapable,” “I am unlovable,” “I am unworthy,” or “I am shameful.” 4. Take a minute or two to pinpoint some pathogenic beliefs you may have for yourself. They are probably related to the family role(s) you may have pinpointed for yourself in the workbook portion of Chapter 10. ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ C. Default Positions/Repetition Compulsion 1. For a child to give up these pathogenic beliefs as he grows older is to risk breaking his bond with his parents or caregivers; after all, they developed at a young age in order to make sure that the child remained connected to his provider. 2. As we grow older, these pathogenic beliefs continue to define whom we are. In other words, whatever it is we believe about ourselves from childhood – “I am unlovable,” “I am shameful,” “I am worthless” – we end up using as a way to measure all of the other messages we receive throughout our lives, accepting the messages that reinforce our pathogenic beliefs and rejecting the ones that don’t. 3. Because we overvalue the negative messages and we begin to ignore the positive messages when we have pathogenic beliefs, throughout our lives our pathogenic beliefs grow stronger and stronger, like a snowball rolling downhill. 4. This is called _________________________, when we repeat our patterns of behavior over and over again because that’s “what we deserve,” “where we belong,” or where “we feel most comfortable.”
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5. Based on the pathogenic beliefs that you may have just noted for yourself, take some time to note some recent events where you may have created circumstances or events that reflect how you feel about yourself based on your pathogenic beliefs. For instance, if you feel unlovable inside, have you rejected the love someone has offered you or had a difficult time believing that it was genuine? ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ D. This is a complicated subject, to be sure, but if there is nothing else that you take from today’s session, please remember these things: 1. When you were a child, you blamed _______________ for the way you were treated by parents or guardians. 2. If your parents or guardians were abusive or neglectful, beliefs about who you are become _______________, or “diseased in origin,” such as “I’m shameful, stupid, ugly, embarrassing, unworthy, unlovable, etc.” 3. These pathogenic beliefs do not go away as we get older. In fact, we carry them around at the very core of our being as feelings of psychological discomfort, “ickiness,” unhappiness, depression, or, as we have called it here, the feeling of being loved ____________________. 4. As Patrick Carnes writes in his book Facing the Shadow, when we have pathogenic beliefs, this is often how we speak to ourselves: “Because I am unworthy, no one would love me if they really knew what I was like on the inside. Consequently, my needs are never going to be met if I have to tell the truth about who I am. Given that sex is my most important need, I will never be able to depend on another person who really knows me to get it.” III.
If these pathogenic beliefs we have developed in childhood, these feelings of being loved conditionally, are the core of your desire to act out sexually, you need to… A. Visit a licensed _______________ or _______________ in order to express hard personal histories and feelings in a safe environment. B. Discuss deep issues or feelings with your ____________________. C. Join a ____________________ where these feelings can be shared. D. Maintain a _______________ where thoughts, feelings and discoveries can be explored. E. Or all of the above.
IV. The men who experience the greatest level of recovery are the men who are willing to do all four of these options in order to discover, explore, and manage their pathogenic beliefs that have arisen out of experiences with conditional love during childhood. 81 Fireproof Ministries 2012. All Rights Reserved. Used by permission. Please do not copy this material in whole or in part. Contact XXXchurch for reprints:
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V.
Journal entry ideas. A. List some feelings you may be having after going over this material. Do you feel excited, frustrated, vulnerable, angry, etc.? B. In what ways can you see a connection between these feelings and your desire to engage in your Unwanted Sexual Behavior? C. List some new ways you can manage these feelings other than using your Unwanted Sexual Behavior. Some of these new ways have been discussed in this X3Pure program.
CHAPTER 11 – FILL IN THE BLANKS: 1) roles, 2) conditional, 3) brain, 4) moods, 5) change, 6) himself, 7) pathogenic beliefs, 8) repetition compulsion, 9) yourself, 10) pathogenic, 11) conditionally, 12) therapist, 13) counselor, 14) accountability partner, 15) support group, 16) journal.
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Digging Deeper Ephesians 3:14-15 Focus: God’s Family
In the last session we may have uncovered some difficult identity issues you have placed on yourself. You may have allowed your past experiences and your family of origin to label you. Take a moment and write down words that describe you or are impressions left on you from your family of origin. _________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________
The family is a very powerful force that over time molds each member to both conscious and subconscious expectations. These expectations can cause a multitude of dysfunctional behaviors but also have the power to recreate healthy labels and identities.
God’s family can be the strongest force for molding you to become all God intends in your life.
Scripture: Ephesians 3:14-15, “On account of this I continually bow my knees to the Father out of whom every particular family in the heavens and upon the earth is named or derives its significance.”
1) According to Ephesians 3:14-15, who is the center of healthy family?
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2) Where do members of a healthy family derive significance?
The Greek word for ‘family’ is patria and is used to describe someone who is excited about the fatherland. In the scripture ‘name’ does not simply refer to a title one is called, but refers to the character, works, and reputation.
Paul is saying in this scripture every family in the heavens and the earth reflects the character, works, and reputation of God the Father in some way. Regardless of your family of origin, your true intended Father is God, and you bear his reflection. If you grew up in a family that was very healthy or very dysfunctional you can now look to God as the centerpiece of your family. It is in God the Father that you develop your identity, your value, your role, and your purpose!
Ephesians 4:31-32, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. 32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.”
3) What impact does God the Father’s forgiveness have on his children? Does his forgiveness help or hinder bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, slander, and all types of evil behavior?
I encourage you to allow God’s family to rebuild and rename those false labels and beliefs you have adopted. Remember, God is your true intended Father and he invites you into his family to develop your identity, value, role, and purpose.
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Pursuit of Unconditional Love Part II Chapter 12: “Recovery Target #1: Seeking, Establishing & Engaging in Community.”
In our last chapter, we discussed the first of our Recovery Targets: Psychological Examination of Feelings. For the majority of men who struggle with some form of addictive behavior there is an empty feeling in their hearts developed early in life due to abusive or neglectful parents or guardians. This emptiness, or “pathogenic beliefs,” tells the addicted man that he is unlovable, or unworthy, or shameful as he is. Remember our definition of sexual addiction from the very first of our sessions together? We are addicted when we have turned sex into an idol, which means that we have come to rely on sex or sexual activities as a source of unconditional love instead of friends, family, community or God Himself. If it is conditional love in our life that is causing us to act out sexually, and conditional love is maybe all that we know, how do we start to experience unconditional love? The answer is, we need to start building it. We need to start the process of converting conditional love into unconditional love. This is the heart of Recovery Target#2: Seeking, Establishing, and Engaging in Community.
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CHAPTER 12 – DAY 23 LESSON 1) Watch the Chapter 12 Video “Recovery Target #2: Seeking, Establishing, and Engaging in Community.” 2) Jot down here or in your journal some ideas on where you want to start looking for community beyond your accountability partner. __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________
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CHAPTER 12 – DAY 24 LESSON Read the following workbook based off of Day 23’s lesson and fill in the blanks/respond to the questions. While some of the answers may be easier than others, the point here is to help you remember key words, terms, or concepts. Answers are at the end of the chapter. I.
2nd Recovery Target: Seeking, Establishing, and Engaging in Community. A. The video lesson for this chapter discussed the question, “If it is conditional love in our life that is causing us to act out sexually, and conditional love is maybe all that we know, how do we start to experience unconditional love?” B. Trusting other people, especially when maybe you were taught not to trust people, or that in trusting other people you will experience shame, is more than just difficult, it might feel impossible. But if the addicted man wants to recover, despite how painful it may feel, this is what he needs to do. C. The good news is that if you took the step we required you take in chapter 4, and asked someone to be your accountability partner, you have the first important and powerful seeds toward seeking, establishing and engaging in community. As you know, this person should be someone to whom you can bring your _______________ side, someone whom you can tell just about anything and that person won’t judge you, ridicule you, or shame you. He or she will simply love you ____________________. D. Now, as you can imagine, your accountability partner can’t be everything to you in your recovery or else all you would be doing is exchanging one idol – masturbation, pornography, strip clubs, etc. – for another. Instead, that person, in being at the core of your recovery, can act as your anchor as you begin the process of building a new life.
II.
Building a New Life A. This concept of building a new life cuts right to the heart of sexual addiction recovery. What this implies is that your old life, and the people and places that made it up, isn’t healthy. We discussed this in Chapter 10, entitled “Reinventing Our Lives.” B. If you look at this from the perspective of Recovery Target #1: Psychological Examination of Feelings, you can see that if our pathogenic beliefs tell us that we are shameful or worthless, and if we spent our entire lives up to this point choosing people and situations that reflect those pathogenic beliefs, we will have created an entire community of conditional love where we experience those feelings of shame and worthlessness over and over again. C. To recover means that we need to __________ our old life. Not only do we need to see ourselves the way God sees us – worthwhile, lovable, and important – but we need to 87 Fireproof Ministries 2012. All Rights Reserved. Used by permission. Please do not copy this material in whole or in part. Contact XXXchurch for reprints:
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have people around us that see us that way as well. This is the true nature of converting conditional love into unconditional love. III.
Areas of genuine community. A. Accountability partners 1. Again, we have discussed the importance of your accountability partner. He or she is your go-to person when you are feeling triggered, when you are feeling conditionally loved and need to hear that you are OK, that you are worthy, and that you are loved unconditionally. 2. But no one says that you need to just have one accountability partner. You can have many. In fact, the more accountability partners you have the greater your chance for staying sober. 3. Your accountability partners are people who know your __________ story but love you anyway. Once you have found your primary accountability partner, and feel comfortable branching out, work on branching out. Bit by bit tell people you trust your story. Not only will you find healing, but you may also become an important testimony for other men who are silently struggling. 4. List some new names of people from whom you feel you can seek support and guidance. If you need help in making these decisions, return to the questions we listed for helping you discover your accountability partner in the workbook portion of Chapter 4. ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________ B. Support groups 1. If finding accountability partners you trust in your immediate environment is difficult for whatever reason, finding a support group for men with sexual addiction is a powerful recovery tool. 2. A community of supportive and unconditionally loving men is what you need in order to feel worthy, responsible, and loved. 3. If your church doesn’t have support groups, there are support groups available through… a) X3groups (www.X3groups.com) 88 Fireproof Ministries 2012. All Rights Reserved. Used by permission. Please do not copy this material in whole or in part. Contact XXXchurch for reprints:
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b) Sexaholics Anonymous (www.sa.org). c) Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (www.slaafws.org). d) Celebrate Recovery (www.celebraterecovery.com). 4. If you have never been, what you will find at support groups are men just like you: truly _______________, truly _______________, and truly _______________ who simply don’t want to let their behavior with sex destroy all of the good things that they are. They are so determined that they have realized the power of community and the power of support. 5. A final option for recovery groups is starting one yourself. While this shouldn’t be your first choice when you are recovering, since you need the guidance and leadership of someone who is sober or has been for over a year at least, if no other options exist, this is a viable one. Look to the end of this chapter for two essential items for starting your own group: a) A Group Covenant – the rules group members must abide by in order to maintain a safe environment. b) Meeting Response Sheet – a list of prompts that each member may respond to when it is his turn to share. C. Other options for community are church, non-recovery small groups, or any other community organizations like sports teams or classes. 1. It is true that not everyone needs to know about your challenges with sexual addiction. In fact, you only want to tell those people whom you can __________ with all of your story. 2. List some other groups you feel would be good for you to join in order to gain some support and acceptance.
CHAPTER 12 – FILL IN THE BLANKS: 1) darkest, 2) unconditionally, 3) break up, 4) whole, 5) honorable, 6) worthwhile, 7) lovable, 8) trust.
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Digging Deeper Acts 2:42-46 Focus: Community
Scripture: Acts 2:42-26, “All the believers devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching, and to fellowship, and to sharing in meals (including the Lord’s Supper, and to prayer. 43 A deep sense of awe came over them all, and the apostles performed many miraculous signs and wonders. 44 And all the believers met together in one place and shared everything they had. 45 They sold their property and possessions and shared the money with those in need. 46 They worshiped together at the Temple each day, met in homes for the Lord’s Supper, and shared their meals with great joy and generosity.” 1) Describe an experience in your life when you felt truly connected to others on a mission. What were the positives and negatives of that situation?
2) The first century church as described in Acts experienced a deep sense of community and mission. What are the key characteristics of their community described in Acts 2:42?
3) The word “fellowship” means sharing. This was a core principle to the church and is vital to living apart from our unwanted sexual behaviors. In what ways can you invite others to share life with you?
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4) What are your fears of sharing life with others? What are your fears of letting people know the real you?
5) Read 1 John 1:7 below, how does “living in the light” make it possible to have fellowship with each other?
“But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.”
When the bible talks about “light” it is referring to openness and transparency. When we live in the light we have nothing to hide and we are open and truthful with those around us. It is in this environment that we begin to share our true lives with others. This is where God created you to live. When you have the urge to walk back into the darkness, back to a secret life, remember God’s encouragement to walk in the light as he is in the light. Walk in his footsteps and you will experience the victory and freedom Jesus offers.
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X3Pure Sobriety Group Meeting Covenant 1. Our goal is to freely and openly pursue Unconditional Love, above all else in Christ Jesus, instead of relying on substances of abuse, which include pornography, prostitution, strip clubs, anonymous sex, etc. 2. This is a safe group. We are here to support, love, and nurture without judgment. The group facilitator has the right to redirect conversation at any time he feels this rule is being broken. 3. Each member has the right to respond to the X3Pure Meeting Response Sheet or not. Each member has the right to speak without interruption during his allotted time to share. 4. What is discussed within the group remains within the group. 5. Each member may offer unconditionally loving words of affirmation but no solutions to problems (i.e. “Do this an you’ll be fixed.”) 6. Details as to your past sexual experiences must remain generic so as not to trigger other members.
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X3Pure Sobriety Group Meeting Response Sheet 1. State your first name and how long you have been sober. 2. State the closest experience you have had to engaging in your Unwanted Sexual Behavior since the last meeting, what your trigger was, and what you did about it. 3. If you were triggered, and this trigger was new, please add it to your Sobriety Sheets. If it wasn’t new, were you honestly obeying your Remedy Action for this trigger? If not, how can you change your Remedy Action to meet the needs for avoiding this trigger in the future? 4. Take a moment to locate yourself on our “Sexual Sobriety Map.” For example, are you actively pursuing Unconditional love, which means you are on the side of Real Change, or are you trying to abstain for the mere sake of obedience, placing you on the side of WhiteKnuckle Change? 5. State one or two active ways you can remain on the Real Change side of our Sobriety Map during the coming week instead of on the White-Knuckle side (hint: look at your four Recovery Targets). 6. State one lie you have told someone in the past week or a secret you are keeping from someone else or the group. 7. State three positive affirmations about yourself. For example, “I am a valuable and loved member of my community.” 8. In one or two words, state how you are feeling emotionally right now.
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Pursuit of Unconditional Love Part III Chapter 13: “Recovery Target #3: Truth, Trust and Territory”
We are now in the middle of discussing our four Recovery Targets, which are the active ways in which you can convert, or exchange, the conditional love in your life that is causing you to want to act out sexually into unconditional love, which is the place for which all human beings yearn. In Recovery Target #1, your goal is to search deep within yourself to find those areas of conditional love in your life in preparation for Recovery Target #2: Seeking, Establishing, and Engaging in Community. In Recovery Target #3: Truth, Trust, and Territory, you are given three major disciplines to constantly and continually live out from day to day, moment to moment. In living out these disciplines, you will have a much greater chance of ensuring that the environment you have created for yourself is a truly victorious one.
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CHAPTER 13 – DAY 25 LESSON 1) Watch the Chapter 13 Video “Recovery Target #3: Truth, Trust, and Territory.” 2) Jot down a few lies or secrets that you feel you need to eventually share with someone whom you feel you can trust with those secrets. __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________
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CHAPTER 13 – DAY 26 LESSON/WORKBOOK Read the following workbook based off of Day 25’s lesson and fill in the blanks/respond to the questions. While some of the answers may be easier than others, the point here is to help you remember key words, terms, or concepts. Answers for fill-in-the-blanks are at the end of the chapter. I.
Truth A. One of the great truisms of any addiction is that addiction resides in __________. 1. There is something about ourselves that we don’t like, that we don’t want to face. So we lie to ourselves that it isn’t there. We use masturbation and porn and strip clubs and prostitutes as a way to _______________ the difficult truth. 2. As we act out sexually as a way of lying to ourselves about the truth, we then start to lie to others about our secret sexual activities. We lie about having porn on our computer. We lie about having visited strip clubs. We lie about where we were and when we were there so that wives and girlfriends and parents don’t know. 3. The more we lie the more we actually _______________ the lies we tell. Pretty soon we get so caught up in our lies that even we don’t know what is true and what isn’t. 4. One of the greatest emotions newly recovering men share is _______________. They have spent so many years of their lives lying to themselves and everyone around them that eventually they just don’t know what is real anymore. B. So what do we do once we have gotten ourselves caught up in the web of deceit and lies?i. Just like we suggested in Chapter 7 when we told you how to start healing the brain from its repeated exposure to pornography, you need to stop lying, just as you needed to stop using your Unwanted Sexual Behavior.ii. Telling the truth does 2 things for us… 1. As seen in Recovery Target #1, it requires that you face the _______________ of the things that are really hurting us inside, those pathogenic beliefs, those feelings of being shameful or unlovable. 2. And as seen in Recovery Target #2, telling the truth… a) …requires you to discover who in your life can either handle the truth you need to tell or can’t… b)
…and it requires those people who can’t handle the truth either to grow and change or shrink or disappear from your life.
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stick around because it’s you and only you they will be sticking around for. This is real change, not just changing your behavior through sheer willpower, which is whiteknuckle, but also changing the systems that you live in so that they are supportive of your real self. 4. Who in your life do you feel you need to tell the truth to? Who in your life do you need to hear the truth from? II.
Trust. A. As you tell the truth, and see the rewards that came from telling the truth, such as accountability, pride, courage, and dignity, you will begin to __________ yourself. As you begin to trust yourself you will begin to trust __________. And as you trust others, you will be able to enlarge that community that you so desperately need in minimizing those negative thoughts about yourself so that you can become more __________. B. Unfortunately, gaining self-trust means that you have to make the right decision even when you don’t want to. That’s what your ____________________ are for. They help you figure out what decisions you have to make in order to remain sober. C. At first making them may be difficult; but the more you make the right decisions, and the longer you remain sober, the more you will trust that you can make good decisions and then when you are triggered, it just won’t be as difficult to manage that trigger because you’ll know you can do it. D. List some areas in your life where you need to begin trusting yourself by making the right decisions (hint: look at your filled out Sobriety Sheet Remedy Actions). ______________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________
III.
Territory A. Truth and Trust are both related to _______________. When we are honest, and when we trust that we can make good decisions, we discover that we have boundaries, or territory, that is ours and ours alone. B. For those of you who have come from conditionally loving childhoods, you may have never developed a true sense of __________; you weren’t taught that it was OK to be yourself, or that it was OK to have your own feelings, emotions, and choices. C. Because of this, you may feel like you have a difficult time making decisions that are good for you because you don’t really know who you are. You have relied on other 97 Fireproof Ministries 2012. All Rights Reserved. Used by permission. Please do not copy this material in whole or in part. Contact XXXchurch for reprints:
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people to decide who you are and those other people have loved you conditionally. They have loved you only because you have somehow met their needs. D. Territory is another word for boundaries, and addiction is ____________________. Your Sobriety Sheets are there to help you know what your boundaries are so that you can begin to stick to them. E. List some areas in your life where you need to establish boundaries, especially with the people in your life (hint: look at your filled out Sobriety Sheet Remedy Actions). ______________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________ IV. Truth, Trust, and Territory are our gauges for ensuring that love is _______________. If you engage in these three parts of our third Recovery Target then you will be assured that love is unconditional. One by one, think of the most important people in your life and answer these questions to see if they are healthy for you: A. Have I been or can I be completely honest with this person about who I am? B. Can I trust him or her with my boundaries? C. Can I trust myself with this person to keep my boundaries?
CHAPTER 13 – FILL IN THE BLANKS: 1) lies, 2) cover up, 3) believe, 4) confusion, 5) realities, 6) weather barometer, 7) trust, 8) others, 9) relational, 10) Sobriety Sheets, 11) Territory, 12) self, 13) boundary failure, 14) unconditional.
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Digging Deeper Galatians 6:1-3 Focus: Trusting Others With The Truth
Sitting with my friend and mentor, I knew I had to tell him the truth of my situation. I had allowed for the relationship to go too far and I was no longer honoring God. When he asked me how things were going I was quick to respond with a shallow, surface answer, “Great!” This was a lie. I was not doing well and knew I needed to break the façade and share the truth. Eventually I told him how I was really feeling and where I had fallen short. This conversation was one of the defining moments in my life. Learning to tell the truth to trusted people, who love you unconditionally, is vital for living God’s way.
We were created to share truth with others and assist each other with the burdens of life.
Scripture: Galatians 6:1-3, “Dear brothers and sisters, if another believer is overcome by some sin, you who are godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path. And be careful not to fall into the same temptation yourself. 2 Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ. 3 if you think you are too important to help someone, you are only fooling yourself. You are not that important. 1) According to Galatians 6:1, what should we expect from those we trust with the truth of our lives? Why is this so difficult to do?
2) Paul commands us to “share each other’s burdens” and calls it obedience. How would you imagine someone sharing your burdens? What do you need to do to make sure this is happening in your life?
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3) Sharing burdens means that you are also going to serve someone else and assist them in life. Who is in your life right now that you can begin to share burdens? What benefit does helping someone else in the midst of their burdens have for you?
4) Paul reminds us that if we think we are too important to help someone else we are wrong. He says, “You are not that important.” What does this tell us about the playing field? Is it level for all people, or are there notches of importance?
If everyone needs to rely on others and share each other’s burdens then no one is better than anyone else. There are two things that are true for all people: we need God the Father, and we need other people we can trust and share life with. I encourage you to lean into this one.
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Pursuit of Unconditional Love Part IV Chapter 14: “Development and Exploration of Genuine Faith”
As we’ve discussed, in order to remain on the Real Change side of our Sexual Sobriety Map, we need to engage in the process of converting conditional love into unconditional love. We accomplish this conversion of conditional love into unconditional love when we… • Psychologically examine our feelings, which means that we pay attention, and are attuned to, our feelings, especially feelings of conditional love and where those feelings came from. • Seek, establish, and engage in community, which means that we rebuild the interpersonal bridge that was broken for us at a young age because of conditional love. We do this by relating with unconditionally loving people. • Practice Truth, Trust, and Territory, which means that you tell the truth so that the real you is shared with the people who care about you; in telling the truth you will begin to trust yourself and others; and in trusting yourself and in trusting others you will begin to create territory, or boundaries, that protect you from conditional love. Today we are going to discuss the last of our four Recovery Targets, the Development and Exploration of Genuine Faith.
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CHAPTER 14 – DAY 27 LESSON 1) Watch the Chapter 14 Video “Recovery Target #4: Development and Exploration of Genuine Faith.” 2) Jot down some notes about how you see God right now. Is your God a loving God who wishes to nurture and grow you or is your God a God of punishment and judgment? __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________
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CHAPTER 14 – DAY 28 LESSON/WORKBOOK Read the following workbook based off of Day 27’s lesson and respond to the questions or prompts. I.
How can your faith life help you achieve freedom from of your Unwanted Sexual Behavior? A. As you should know very, very well by now, what we have been discussing in this entire series is the reality that our challenges with sexual addiction have everything to with experiencing conditional love. And if our challenges with sexual addiction have everything to do with experiencing conditional love, then the answers to our challenges with our Unwanted Sexual Behavior have everything to do with experiencing unconditional love. B. Take a moment either here or in your journal to jot down some notes about God based on the following questions. 1. Is your God a God who lifts or increases burdens? ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ 2. Is your God a God who offers mercy, grace, and strength or is your God a God who punishes? ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ 3. Is your God a God who is the lover of your soul no matter who you are or what you do, or is your God a God who judges and condemns? ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ 4. Ultimately, is your God a God of conditional or unconditional love? ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ 103 Fireproof Ministries 2012. All Rights Reserved. Used by permission. Please do not copy this material in whole or in part. Contact XXXchurch for reprints:
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II.
II. Romans, Chapters 7 and 8. A. Paul and the Law. 1. i. In the book of Romans, especially chapters 7 and 8, the apostle Paul directly explores this question of who God is. 2. In Romans 7:12 Paul declares that God’s Law, which includes prohibitions against certain sexual behaviors such as adultery, is good. “The law is holy,” writes Paul. It is “holy, righteous, and good.” 3. Yet since there is this Law, sin rises up in us, because without these prohibitions there wouldn’t be anything to sin against. As Paul writes in Romans 7:8-11, “But sin, seizing the opportunity afforded by the commandment, produced in me every kind of covetous desire. For apart from law, sin is dead…I found that the very commandment that was intended to bring life actually brought death.” 4. Paul suggests that in this very familiar struggle, this struggle of wanting to live up to the expectations of God, of wanting to meet His very holy, righteous, and good laws, there is little hope. The law is good but the sin that is within us wouldn’t be sin if it weren’t for the law. As Paul writes, “The very commandment that was intended to bring life actually brought death.” And Paul, expressing the same feelings many of us often have felt when we are dealing with our sexual struggles, screams out, “What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?” (Romans 7:24) 5. What Paul is wresting with here is what he perceives to be the conditional love of God. This God, this God of laws and commandments, will love us only if we act and behave in certain ways. And when we feel as if we have to act and behave in certain ways, when we feel as if we are not good enough, if who we naturally are is not worthy enough to receive God’s love, we sin all the more until we proclaim, like Paul, “What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?” B. Paul and Grace. 1. Now the answer Paul gives to this question shouldn’t surprise you, but the reason behind his answer might. Paul’s answer to this question, “Who will rescue me from this body of death?” is none other than Jesus Christ. But why Jesus? Why doesn’t Paul, in this moment of anguish, just walk away from this God? i 2. Paul doesn’t give up on God and his commandments because Paul knows, just as you know, that sex outside of marriage, and drunkenness, and gluttony are never answers to the pain that is in a person’s heart caused by conditional love. The only answer to that pain is unconditional love; that sense that you are valued, and cherished, and loved beyond measure no matter who you are or what you do. And that unconditional love, that sense of being valued and cherished and loved beyond measure is the very nature of Jesus Christ.
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3. “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,” writes Paul in Romans 8:1-4, “because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in sinful man, in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit.” C. Faith 1. What we are expressing here, which is the exact same thing that Paul was expressing in Romans 7-8, is that when we are addicted, when we are struggling with our Unwanted Sexual Behavior, we are struggling with conditional love. The only answer to changing the conditional love in our lives is searching for unconditional love. 2. Ultimately, the greatest source of unconditional love is from God Himself. If you’re willing to see God as unconditionally loving, then you can access God’s power, strength, support, and love anytime you wish. 3. Take a moment either here or in your journal to jot down some notes about new ways you can start engaging God in your life. a) Write down at least two burdens or challenges in your life which you would like to have God’s help in lifting or easing. ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________
b) Write down at least two areas in your life over which you would like to have God, through Jesus Christ, grant you mercy, grace, and strength. ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________
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c) Write down at least two difficult moments in your life where you would now like to see that God was actually present and loving your soul despite your behavior. ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ d) List 3-5 ways in which you can begin to see God as unconditionally loving. For example, “God is my best friend or loving Father.” ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ 4. Whether or not your answers to the previous questions gave you a new sense of direction for how you can reengage your faith, submission to God through concrete spiritual practices will always prove fruitful. Here is our list of essentials. a) Read the Bible daily, especially passages that proclaim God’s love and provision like the Gospel of John and many of the Psalms. b) Pray daily, as if you were talking to that loving God you just described in this workbook. c) Find a church community that models God’s unconditional love. Again, you can tell if a church community is unconditionally loving by engaging in Recovery Target #3. d) Start serving God. You can experience the unconditional love of God by being the unconditional love of God. Your church should have opportunities. III.
Journal entry ideas. A. In what ways can your spiritual life be a joy and blessing for you? B. In what ways can your spiritual life be a fun exploration of the unknown instead of a fearful reluctance to take chances? C. In what ways can you see God as a Friend and Father who is ready to catch you as you release control of your life?
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Digging Deeper Romans 3:23-26, 1 John 2:1-2, Hebrews 7:25 Focus: Delivered From Past, Present, & Future
Am I really forgiven? It seems easy to fall back into a pattern of doubting God’s love and God’s forgiveness. It is as though we believe God has the ability to forget the sins of everyone but our own. At any moment he will remember what a mess I am and jump to judgment. This is not who God is. The cross has redirected God’s focus from our sin to his Son. He is no longer fixated on your sin and it is because of a person, his Son, Jesus.
When God looks at you he sees his Son; he does not see your sin. The bible tells us that our part is to trust in Jesus and his part if to forgive our sins. Our sin has been forgiven and washed clean. This is true and yet we still hold onto our sin and allow it to sabotage our success. We must trust in the character and forgiving heart of God.
Scripture: Romans 3:23-26, “For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard. 24 Yet God, with undeserved kindness, declares that we are righteous. He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins. 25 For God presented Jesus as the sacrifice for sin. People are made right with God when they believe that Jesus sacrificed his life, shedding his blood. This sacrifice shows that God was being fair when he held back and did not punish those who sinned in times past, 26 for he was looking ahead and including them in what he would do in this present time. God did this to demonstrate his righteousness, for he himself is fair and just, and he declares sinners to be right in his sight when they believe in Jesus.” 1) God has forgiven us from the ______________! (Verse 25b)
1 John 2:1-2, “My dear children, I am writing this to you so that you will not sin. But if anyone does sin, we have an advocate who pleads our case before the Father. He is Jesus Christ, the one who is truly righteous. 2 He himself is the sacrifice that atones for our sins—and not only our sins but the sins of all the world.” 2) God has forgiven us in the ________________! 107 Fireproof Ministries 2012. All Rights Reserved. Used by permission. Please do not copy this material in whole or in part. Contact XXXchurch for reprints:
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Hebrews 7:25, “Therefore he is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them.” 3) God has forgiven our __________________!
God is so gracious that he forgives our past, present, and future through the cross, we can live in the confidence of His grace. He is never going to stop loving you. He is never going to pull back his grace or remove his forgiveness. His love is secure. You are always the target of his affection.
Romans 5:6-8, “You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. 7 Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. 8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” 4) Why would Jesus choose to die for you at the strategic time of your active sin? Why not wait for you to get your life together before such an act of love?
Romans 8:37-39, “No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
You are a conqueror my friend! Through Christ, not even your sin can separate you from his love, his kindness, his grace, or his forgiveness. Your past, present, and future have been accounted for. Rest and relax in his love!
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Conclusion
Chapter 15: “The Journey” Ultimately, recovery is about destroying the illusion and the lie that is sexual addiction. To start to see reality means that we need to carefully take apart the lie that our life has become and begin to rebuild a new life with new vision, new focus, new people, and perhaps even a new sense of God. We destroy the illusion of our Unwanted Sexual Behavior by…• Understanding the physiology of addiction.• Abstaining from our Unwanted Sexual Behavior by using your Sobriety Sheets.• Accepting the real issue with your Unwanted Sexual Behavior, which is conditional love.• Pursue unconditional love through our Four Recovery Targets:– Psychological Examination of Feelings.– Seeking, Establishing, and Engaging in Community.– Truth, Trust, and Territory.– Development and Exploration Genuine Faith.
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CHAPTER 15 – DAY 29 LESSON 1) Watch the Chapter 15 Video “The Journey.” 2) Jot down a few notes either here or in your journal about the hope you may now have for your future after having taken this X3Pure program. In what ways do you feel as if life will be better without your Unwanted Sexual Behavior? Look back at Chapter 3, Day 5 and compare how you felt then versus how you may feel now. __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________
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CHAPTER 15 – DAY 30 LESSON/WORKBOOK Read the following workbook based off of Day 29’s lesson and fill in the blanks/respond to the questions. While some of the answers may be easier than others, the point here is to help you remember key words, terms, or concepts. Answers for fill-in-the-blanks are at the end of the chapter. I.
The Journey. A. When we first introduced our Sexual Sobriety Map during chapter 2, we made the point that this map was not _______________, which means that for someone who is struggling with sexual addiction he doesn’t just enter at the top with “Unwanted Sexual Behavior” and move his way down to the bottom and arrive at “Pursuit of Unconditional Love” and be addiction free forevermore. Life, and certainly addiction recovery, is more dynamic than that. B. The comparison we used for sexual addiction recovery in Chapter 2 was that of keeping your balance on an endless _______________. Staying on that tightrope requires a great deal of focus, concentration, and intentional effort. Yes, sometimes even the best tightrope walkers fall off of their tightropes. And just like the best tightrope walkers we too must get up when we have fallen, dust ourselves off, and get back on that line. C. The purpose and value of your ____________________ is that it will help you stay on the line when you are feeling unbalanced, and it will get you back up on the line when and if you have fallen off. D. Again, our hope for you is that you never fall off of that line, that you remain committed to your sobriety no matter what and that holding onto your sobriety becomes your number one priority in life.
II.
But if sobriety becomes my number one aim in life then aren’t I being controlled by my addiction? A. The answer to that question is a big, “No.” If you take away only one concept from this entire teaching series our hope is that you take away the truth that addiction isn’t about bad __________; it’s not even about “sin.” Addiction is about the brain’s desire to hide some very deep, dark, challenging __________ that the addict simply doesn’t want to realize or face. B. In making sobriety your number one priority in life, you are ensuring that you face those deep, dark, secrets that are holding you back from being the very best person you can be. God doesn’t want you to be sober because he wants you to obey rules; God wants you sober because he wants you to discover the wonderful person He has created you to be.
III.
What is it going to be like on “the other side;” what is it going to be like to be sober? A. Going sober will be a fascinating, amazing experience if you chose to see it that way. For most of you, using masturbation, porn, sex, strip clubs, and prostitutes has been a way of hiding from things you didn’t want to face about yourself and your life. 111 Fireproof Ministries 2012. All Rights Reserved. Used by permission. Please do not copy this material in whole or in part. Contact XXXchurch for reprints:
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1. In going sober, not only will you need to face those things, but you will also need to face a life that has been built up on the _____ needed to hide those things you didn’t want to face. 2. Friendships will either need to be strengthened through __________, or lost through __________. Homes will either need to be kept as bittersweet reminders of who you once were or shed as places of the past. B. The biggest experience you will need to face in being C. As we’ve discussed, addiction is the way the brain learns to manage difficult __________. In being sober, not only will you need for face difficult emotions like feeling conditional love without turning to your Unwanted Sexual Behavior, but you will also need to face ALL emotions without turning to your Unwanted Sexual Behavior. 1. When you’re angry, you’ll need to feel that anger and control it through calm discussion or time out. 2. When you’re sad, you’ll need to share that feeling with a caring friend trusting that tomorrow will be a new day. 3. When you’re joyful, you’ll need to just let that joy be joy, a gift from God, and nothing more.iv. When you’re “horny” you’ll need to accept that as a sign of feeling lonely and you’ll need to reach out to a loving community for genuine companionship. D. It gets easier. We want you to know that. It get easier and easier the further away from your Unwanted Sexual Behavior you get. Each day of sobriety and of telling the truth about yourself builds your life in a new and wonderful direction. After a year of sobriety you will most certainly look back on your addicted self and wonder how you could ever have lived the way you did. E. Once you see it, you can’t not see it. That is the process of shattering the illusion of addiction. IV. Here are some of the physical symptoms you may experience as you go sober and as your brain recovers. These symptoms may be present, depending on how much you have been addicted to sex and sexual activities, and will eventually wear off around 90 days after going sober. A. Difficulty sleeping. B. Fatigue. C. Nervousness and irritability. D. Rapid heartbeat. E. Shortness of breath. F. Headaches. Shakes. G. High sexual arousal. H. Body aches. I.
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J. Sensitivity in the genitals. K. Itching skin. L. Sweats and chills. V.
Farewell… A. In other words, going sober will be a __________ in how you interact with the world and the people in it. You will be starting a new __________, sometimes with new people and new friends and new jobs and new careers. And that process of change will be _______________ at times, but it will also be the most _______________ thing you will ever, ever do in your life. B. We want you to know that X3Pure and xxxchurch.com are here for you as a community and as a resource. Keep reaching out to us as you go through this wonderful time in your life. Seek friends and support wherever you can find them and your journey will be much, much easier. C. Again, it’s been an honor to do this work with you. We hope and pray that it has been meaningful for you and that your life will grow and deepen because of it.
“We cannot go through your withdrawal for you, nor would we, if we could. Who would knowingly volunteer to go though it again? Certainly none of us! Yet the pain of each withdrawal is unique and special, even precious (although you probably don’t think so). In a sense, the experience is you, a part of you which has been trying to surface for a long time. You have been avoiding or postponing this pain for a long time now, yet you have never been able to lastingly outrun it. You need to go through withdrawal in order to become a whole person. You need to meet yourself. Behind the terror of what you fear, withdrawal contains the seeds for your own personal wholeness. It must be experienced for you to realize, or make real, that potential for you and your life that has been stored there for so long.” – Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous Big Book
CHAPTER 15 – FILL IN THE BLANKS: 1) linear, 2) tightrope, 3) Sexual Sobriety Map, 4) habits, 5) secrets, 6) lies, 7) truth, 8) truth, 9) inner, 10) emotions, 11) change, 12) new life, 13) challenging, 14) rewarding.
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Digging Deeper Romans 8:27 Focus: More Than Conquerors
Imagine what it must have been like for Joshua when the enemy armies were surrounding him and preparing to wipe him, and the Israelites, from the face of the earth. I am sure it was more than just a little intimidating. There was most certainly fear and desperation in his heart. In this moment he could have run from the responsibility or surrendered his weapons and accepted defeat. Instead he calls out to God for help. This was the result:
Joshua 10:11, “As the Amorites retreated down the road from Beth-horon, the LORD destroyed them with a terrible hailstorm from heaven that continued until they reached Azekah. The hail killed more of the enemy than the Israelites killed with the sword.”
In Christ we are more than conquerors!
Scripture: Romans 8:31-39, “So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture: They kill us in cold blood because they hate you. We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one. None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.” 1) Is there anything that God has not already done for you? In the end, what is the most important battle God has already won for you? 114 Fireproof Ministries 2012. All Rights Reserved. Used by permission. Please do not copy this material in whole or in part. Contact XXXchurch for reprints:
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2) List out the ways the world is going to attempt to place a wedge between you and God. See Paul’s list in Romans 8. 1) Trouble 2) Hard Times 3) Hatred 4) 5) 6)
3) Take some time to pray through Romans 8:31-39. Begin to memorize this passage and use it as a weapon against the enemy when it looks like all odds are stacked up against you.
YOU ARE MORE THAN CONQUERORS IN JESUS!
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APPENDIX
Sexual Sobriety Map (Detailed Map) Unwanted Sexual Behavior Masturbation Pornography Use Pre-marital Sex Extra-Marital Sex Strip Clubs Massage Parlors Prostitutes
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White-Knuckle Change
Real Change
Abstinence Avoiding Behavior not Causes
Understanding of Physiology What Really Drives the Brain
Relapse
Abstinence Recognizing & Avoiding Sexual, Environmental and Emotional Triggers (Sobriety Sheets) Acceptance of Conditional Love Recovery Principles #1: Realization of Psychological Distress #2: Locating Need for Community #3: Recognizing Lack of Truth, Self-trust & Boundaries #4: Seeking Faith as the Avenue to Wholeness Pursuit of Unconditional Love Recovery Targets #1: Psychological Examination of Feelings #2: Seeking, Establishing, and Engaging in Community #3: Truth, Trust, and Territory #4: Developmental of Genuine Faith
Sexual Sobriety Map (Simplified Map) Unwanted Sexual Behavior
117 Fireproof Ministries 2012. All Rights Reserved. Used by permission. Please do not copy this material in whole or in part. Contact XXXchurch for reprints:
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White-Knuckle Change
Real Change
Abstinence
Understanding of Physiology
Relapse
Abstinence Acceptance of Conditional Love Pursuit of Unconditional Love
118 Fireproof Ministries 2012. All Rights Reserved. Used by permission. Please do not copy this material in whole or in part. Contact XXXchurch for reprints:
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Sheet One: Creating a Victorious Environment Sexual Triggers
Remedy Actions
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Non-Sexual Environmental Triggers 1.
Remedy Actions
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5.
Non-Sexual Emotional Triggers
Remedy Actions
1. Conditional Love
1. Recovery Targets #1, #2, #3, & #4
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3.
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4.
5.
5.
1.
119 Fireproof Ministries 2012. All Rights Reserved. Used by permission. Please do not copy this material in whole or in part. Contact XXXchurch for reprints:
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Sheet Two: “Escape Plan” I. Mental Physical Reminders 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.
II. Confession 1. God 2. Your Accountability Partner
III. Focus on the “Yes” 1. Your Purpose: 2. 3. 4. 5.
IV. Revisit and Update Trigger Lists
120 Fireproof Ministries 2012. All Rights Reserved. Used by permission. Please do not copy this material in whole or in part. Contact XXXchurch for reprints:
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Contact Information X3Pure www.X3pure.com PO BOX 50048 Pasadena CA 91115 626.628.3387
[email protected]
121 Fireproof Ministries 2012. All Rights Reserved. Used by permission. Please do not copy this material in whole or in part. Contact XXXchurch for reprints:
[email protected]
