Mark Manson - The Nerd Guide to Being Confident

Thought Catalog The Nerd’s Guide to Being Confident Introduction Shut Up and Be Grateful You Are Your Own Worst ne!" Where Are Your #$%&ing 'alues( The Guide to Being )isera*le Your Two )inds The Theor" of )eta+Aweso!eness ,ow to Stop -"ing to Yourself Change Your )ind A*out .ating .i/ersif" Your Identit"

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Thought Catalog The Nerd’s Guide To Being Confident  A T,OUG,T CATA-OG O1IGINA2 3456 )ar0 )anson Published By: Thought Catalog Boo0s .i/ision Thought 7 8pression --C Willia!s*urg9

The Nerd’s Guide to Being Confident B" )ar0 )anson

Introduction http://seductionbooks.blogspot.com

T

here are two pro*le!s with the wa" confidence is usuall" e8plained: The first is that confidence is so!ething e/er"*od" 0nows when the" see it *ut no one can descri*e it well: When as0ed what confidence loo0s li0e people usuall" sputter out so!e sort of platitude a*out ;*eing sure of the!sel/es9< or ;in control9 or ;assured9< or god for*id9 ;=ust feeling it9 "ou 0now(<

The other pro*le! is that our perception of confidence is interrelated with prett" !uch e/er" other *u>>word on the planet: Being confident coincides with high self+estee!9 low an8iet"9 a strong social networ09 asserting strong *oundaries9 health" relationships9 asserti/eness?"et none of these things descri*e it full" *" the!sel/es: In !" adult life9 I’/e so!ehow landed !"self into the intellectual @uag!ire of writing a*out confidence for a li/ing: ,ow e8actl" isn’t that i!portant it’s a long and *i>arre stor"9 *ut the point is I’! a professional *logger  an apparentl" popular and successful one  who has so!ehow found hi!self as one of the chief disse!inators of practical life ad/ice to )illennials: I’/e !ade a li/ing off !a0ing ideas li0e confidence and self+estee! see! si!ple and achie/a*le9 and *" doing it in a wa" that doesn’t insult "our intelligence: 1ecent research shows that this generation of "oung adults is !ore stressed9 !ore an8ious9 and less e!otionall" health" than an" prior generation e/er !easured: That’s a *u!!er9 to *e sure9 *ut I won’t *ore "ou with a dissertation on wh" that !a" *e: The point is that there’s a high de!and right now for *asic infor!ation on how to feel a little *it *etter a*out oursel/es9 and to ha/e it e8pressed in a wa" that’s !ore con/incing than9 ;Dust *e "ourself9< or the old useless fa/orite9 ;fa0e it Etil "ou !a0e it:< These pieces of con/entional ;wisdo!< !ean nothing: )" =o* o/er the "ears has *een to condense the a*stract ps"chological 0nowledge on how to feel *etter a*out one’s self and others9 and share it in a @uir0"9 digesti*le and satisf"ing wa": That’s wh" I call this The Nerd’s Guide to Being Confident,  *ecause9 to *e honest9 the si!ple e8planations don’t cut it: Things get !ess": The" also get funn": And /ulnera*le: And scar": So!e things need a nerd" e8planation for the! to !a0e sense: It also so happens that nerd" fol0 tend to *e the de!ographic that !ost struggle with confidence issues: So there "ou goF suppl" and de!and: )ost of us pursue confidence out of a desire to e!*od" so!e /ision of our perfect sel/es: We ha/e this i!age in our head of so!e *ad ass who is alwa"s right9 alwa"s self+assured9 and e/er"thing goes right for: It’s hu!an nature: But indulging our fantasies can oddl" !a0e us feel worse a*out oursel/es in the real world: And ironicall"9 it’s letting go that /ision of oursel/es *eing perfect that allows us to

*eha/e confidentl":  And with that *rief teaser9 I gi/e "ou this short *oo0F !" flawed and hu!*le atte!pt at helping "ou e!*race *eing flawed and hu!*le: Because confidence isn’t a*out alwa"s *eing right or alwa"s *eing superior: It’s si!pl" a*out dou*ting oursel/es a little less: )ar0 )anson

Shut Up and Be Grateful

T he fact that "ou’re reading this sentence !eans that "ou are richer and !ore educated than :H& of people in hu!an histor": It !eans "ou ha/e al!ost i!!ediate access to o/er half of all of the infor!ation and data e/er created *" the hu!an race: It !eans "ou ha/e the a*ilit" to educate "ourself on su*=ects people pre/iousl" spent their entire lifeti!es learning: ,egel said that histor" is the process of freedo! reali>ing itself: Assu!ing "ou’re in the western world9 then "ou currentl" li/e in the !ost free and tolerant societ" that has e/er e8isted: Toda" is the least /iolent ti!e in hu!an histor": There is less racis! and se8is! than an" other ti!e in histor": The world has !ore econo!ic !o*ilit" than e/er and tra/eling across *orders is easier now than e/er:

You !a" *e unhapp" with "our lo/e life9 *ut =ust a few generations ago9 casual se8 was an i!possi*ilit"9 contraception was a rarit"9 and "ou could *e disowned *" "our fa!il" for fooling around with the wrong person: A few generations *efore that9 "ou li0el" ne/er went to school with so!eone of the opposite gender and "our parents chose who "ou !arried: In so!e countries and regions9 "ou could ha/e *een 0illed for sleeping with or e/en flirting with the wrong person:

Your fa!il" !a" frustrate "ou9 *ut o/er 56 of children in the world onl" ha/e one parent and 5J6 !illion children are growing up with no parents at all: If "ou’re in college or "ou went to college9 "ou are part of the luc0" K& worldwide elite: You’re unli0el" to e/er li/e at a su*sistence le/el li0e al!ost L4& of the world population: And "ou surel" won’t e/er *e star/ing li0e 5J people in the world: But "ou’/e heard stuff li0e this *efore: And it doesn’t actuall" help9 right( Yeah9 "ou’re luc0"9 *ut "ou still struggle with "our confidence9 "ou still feel sociall" an8ious9 "ou still suffer  fro! feelings of inade@uac"9 "ou still stress a*out !one"wor0de*tfa!il"friends: Your lo/e life is still a !ess: Sure9 "ou’re eating well and "ou ha/e a nice T' and car and "ou can do long di/ision and code in M,M9 *ut "our life isn’t e8actl" peach" either: #or decades9 research has tied gratefulness and appreciation to happiness: Meople who are happier tend to *e !ore grateful and appreciati/e for what the" ha/e: But what the"’/e also found is that it also wor0s the other wa" aroundF consciousl" practicing gratitude !a0es one happier: It !a0es one appreciate what one has and helps one to re!ain in the present !o!ent: Mracticing gratitude increases accounta*ilit" which directl" leads to higher self estee! and happiness: Not to !ention it !a0es one !ore pleasant to *e around and creates a !ore !agnetic personalit":

Your parents !a" *e s!othering and o*no8ious9 *ut the" do it *ecause the" care a*out "ou and it’s the onl" wa" the" 0now how to show it: Be grateful "ou ha/e people who lo/e "ou9 e/en if the" don’t show it in the wa" "ou wish the" did: Use it as an opportunit" to help the!9 co!!unicate with the!9 de/elop a *etter relationship with the!: You !a" *e o/erweight9 *ut at least "ou’/e en=o"ed plent" of good food and ha/e the 0nowledge and capa*ilit" to get thin and loo0 great: Use it as an opportunit" to set goals and i!pro/e "ourself:

You !a" *e single and lonel"9 *ut at least "ou li/e in a societ" which accepts open co!!unication *etween !en and wo!en9 is li*eral a*out dating practices9 and at least "ou alwa"s ha/e the !eans to get out there and i!pro/e "our situation: You !a" not *e the person "ou want9 *ut at least "ou ha/e the self+awareness and dri/e to notice what "ou’re unhapp" with and the desire to do so!ething a*out it: You are part of the first generation in hu!an histor" that has trul" disco/ered we are alwa"s capa*le of  i!pro/ing our li/es9 sociall"9 e!otionall"9 professionall" and financiall": In the past9 people assu!ed if the" were *orn into it9 the" were screwed: You’/e *een *lessed: /en if "ou rarel" reali>e it: All of us here ha/e:  And "ou’ll 0eep forgetting this unless "ou re!ind "ourself: 1e!ind "ourself regularl": Choose to *e grateful: 1e!e!*er how it could *e worse9 it could alwa"s *e worse: The hu!an !ind naturall" o/er+e!phasi>es the negati/e: Ms"chologists ha/e found that the loss of so!ething is three to four ti!es !ore painful than the =o" of gaining the sa!e thing: It’s an unfortunate !echanis! that has 0ept our species ali/e and thri/ing *ut also 0eeps !an" of us in a constant state of irritation and stress: It’s wh" negati/e news gets reported and spread so !uch !ore readil": It’s wh" we can’t turn awa" fro! a car accident or two people fighting: It’s wh" it’s so !uch !ore te!pting to relate to others through co!plaining and gossip rather than through gratitude: It’s easier: This isn’t to sa" one !ust ignore what’s wrong or *ro0en with the world: I’! the last one to pretend e/er"thing is unicorns and rain*ows: It’s =ust to sa" that when things see! shitt"9 don’t forget what’s good9 true and *eautiful: 1e!e!*er to shut up and *e grateful: Gratitude is the s0ill of happiness: It’s the cure for an e!otional /a!pire: And it is indeed a s0ill: It re@uires practice and effort and ha*it: But it’s a s0ill an"one can learn and an"one can do: And "ou can start it toda"9 right now: .o it e/er" !orning when "ou wa0e up9 while "ou *rush "our teeth9 loo0 in the !irror and thin0 of fi/e things "ou’re grateful for: Mic0 so!eone and tell the! this wee0 that "ou’re grateful for the! or for so!ething the" did: Chances are it will !a0e "ou feel *etter than the!: Chances are "ou’ll feel far !ore co!forta*le around the! and "our relationships will *egin to i!pro/e: Sidenote for the thic0+headedF When showing appreciation for so!eone or so!ething9 it should *e

genuine and not designed to get the! to li0e "ou: This should *e o*/ious to an" e!otionall"+ functioning adult9 *ut I figured I’d drop it in here *ecause "ou ne/er 0now who co!es *" these da"s:

Genuine appreciationF It !a" feel fruit" or weird so!eti!es: ,ell9 e/en writing this post is !a0ing !e feel 0ind of li0e a Care Bear: But I’! cool with that: That resistance represents a lac0 of /ulnera*ilit" that I still ha/en’t co!pletel" wor0ed through: So I feel a *it weird9 *ut that !eans I’! doing so!ething right here: Opening up to that *uilds confidence and healthier relationships:

If it feels hard9 start s!all and post so!ething on #ace*oo0: Dust tr" it once a da"9 for a wee0: See what happens: I pro!ise nothing *ad will happen: I’ll startF e/en when people critici>e !e9 !isunderstand !e9 or send !e ridiculous e!ails co!paring !e to Satan or calling !e a sand" /agina9 I’! grateful for !" *log and how !uch it enriches !" life: The *enefits and =o"s of running it are !ore than worth the occasional rotten apples that periodicall" pop in: And re!inding !"self of that !a0es it all that !uch *etter:

So than0 "ou to all of "ou who !a0e doing this so worthwhile and fulfilling: O9 now it’s "our turn: And if it still feels weird9 I pro!ise *eing grateful doesn’t !a0e "ou an" less !anl": Co!e on9 ha/en’t "ou seen I Love You, Man *efore( If it !a0es "ou feel *etter9 feel free to add so!e ;fuc0ing< and ;*ro< into "our appreciation state!ents in *etween crushing *eer cans on "our forehead: #or e8a!pleF ;Bro9 "ou’re the fuc0ing !an when it co!es to listening to !" whin" *ullshit: Than0s: I reall" appreciate it: Want another pret>el(< See( That wasn’t so hard

You Are Your Own Worst ne!"

T here’s a para*le that I’/e heard a few ti!es passed around self i!pro/e!ent se!inars and

*oo0s: It goes li0e thisF

 As my friend passed by the eephants, he suddeny stopped, !onfused by the fa!t that  these huge !reatures "ere being hed by ony a rope tied to their egs# It "as obvious that  the eephants !oud, at any time, brea$ free from the ropes they "ere tied to, but for some reason they did not# My friend sa" the trainer nearby and as$ed "hy these beautifu, magnifi!ent animas %ust stood there and made no attempt to es!ape# &'e,( he said, &"hen they are very young and mu!h smaer "e use the same si)e rope to tie them and at that age it’s enough to hod them# As they gro" up, they are !onditioned  to beieve that they !annot brea$ a"ay# They beieve the rope !an sti hod them, so they  never try to brea$ free#( My friend "as ama)ed# These animas !oud at any time brea$  free from their bonds but be!ause they beieved they !oudn’t, they "ere stu!$ right "here they "ere# The po"erfu and giganti! !reature imited its present abiities by the imitations of its past# *o" many of us go through ife beieving the ropes tied to us+ We all assu!e we’re right all the ti!e: It’s hu!an nature: If we didn’t thin0 we were right9 then we wouldn’t do what we do or thin0 what we thin0: But the pro*le! with us all *elie/ing that we’re right is that we’re not: In fact9 !ost of us are wrong !ost of the ti!e: All of us: Whether *elie/ing the earth was flat9 that !an could ne/er fl"9 that Gods who created the world li/ed on )t: Ol"!pus9 that !astur*ation caused one to go *lind9 that the earth was created in si8 da"s si8 thousand "ears ago ? all of these *eliefs were ;right< at one ti!e9 and were e/entuall" pro/en wrong: In fact9 "ou could sa" that al!ost e/er" single *elief held throughout hu!an histor" has e/entuall" *een pro/en wrong and replaced *" a !ore correct *elief: And that !ost of the *eliefs we hold toda" are pro*a*l" wrong in so!e shape or for! and will e/entuall" *e replaced *" !ore correct /ersions: Which *egs the @uestion9 what do "ou *elie/e toda" which will *e replaced in the future( And I don’t !ean on a philosophical le/el9 *ut on a personal one: -oo0 into "our past9 what is so!ething "ou used to thin0 was ;right< *ut turned out to *e wrong( I used to thin0 wo!en would onl" sleep with a gu" who wanted to *e their *o"friend: I was horri*l" wrong: I used to *elie/e that no*od" would care a*out what I wrote and procrastinated starting a *log for o/er si8 !onths as a result: Wrong: I used to

*elie/e that I was =ust geneticall" wea0 and would ne/er put on an" !uscle no !atter how hard I tried: Wrong again: I used to *elie/e that hot wo!en were onl" interested in gu"s who were *uff or had a lot of !one": .efinitel" wrong: These were all ropes tied to !" legs and it wasn’t until I considered tr"ing to *rea0 the! that I reali>ed I could: That’s the pro*le! with *eing wrong all the ti!e9 we ne/er 0now that we’re wrong: We wait for so!ething or so!eone to co!e along and pro/e us wrong instead of testing our *eliefs out for oursel/es: We stand around waiting for so!eone to untie our ropes for us instead of  tr"ing to *rea0 free on our own:

The Danger of Limiting Beliefs -i!iting *eliefs are *eliefs that so!ething we wish to acco!plish is not possi*le for so!e reason9 and therefore the" pre/ent us fro! ta0ing action or responsi*ilit" towards that goal: The elephants *elie/ing the" were stuc0 to the ropes was their li!iting *elief: An e8a!ple is so!eone *elie/ing he can’t get a =o* in finance without an I/" -eague degree9 so he doesn’t e/en *other appl"ing: Another is the *elief that wo!en are onl" attracted to !en of their own race9 so a gu" doesn’t put in the effort re@uired to find a girl who does li0e hi!: But so!eti!es li!iting *eliefs don’t e/en need to ha/e a reason for the!: #or instance9 so!eone !a" *elie/e that he’s si!pl" not talented enough to *eco!e a professional !usician: Wh"( Dust *ecause: Or so!eone !a" *elie/e that he’s unattracti/e and no wo!an would e/er date hi!: Wh"( Dust *ecause: -i!iting *eliefs are *orn fro! rationali>ations of pre/ious painful e8periences: The"’re an adapti/e !easure *" our !ind ? earlier e8periences cause us pain9 so we construct *eliefs in which to a/oid those e8periences in the future: -i!iting *eliefs are also designed to re!o/e responsi*ilit" fro! oursel/es: That wa" we’ll ne/er hurt oursel/es again *" thin0ing we can change our situation: It’s not that the elephants *elie/e the"’re too wea09 it’s that the rope is too strong and therefore the" *elie/e there’s nothing the" can do a*out it: We all get hurt when we’re "ounger: We all e8perience so!e degree of trau!a: And to e8plain awa" the pain9 we construct rationali>ations to protect oursel/es: If these rationali>ations are reinforced enough9 the" *eco!e per!anent *eliefs: So9 for instance9 so!eone who is *ullied in class regularl" growing up !a" rationali>e that he’s !ade fun of *ecause he’s stupid and will ne/er succeed intellectuall": This e8planation is easier to sto!ach than the alternati/eF that people can *e cruel and that "ou !ust stand up for "ourself so!eti!es: So as the *ull"ing recurs9 li0e a strea! eroding a /alle" through the earth9 each ti!e the e/ent occurs9 the rationali>ation i!prints itself deeper and deeper into our *rains: Mrett" soon9 it’s no longer an e8cuse9 *ut a per!anentl"+held *elief: One which we’re unli0el" to @uestion at an" ti!e in our li/es: )ost of us de/elop *eliefs li0e this unconsciousl" when we’re "oung: But so!eti!es *eliefs *egin when we’re older: -et’s sa" when "ou are 34 "ears old9 "ou go to a part" for the first ti!e: /er"one’s drin0ing and "ou’re e8cited to tal0 to so!e girls: You !a0e an aw0ward and ner/ous approach and the girl is a real *itch ? she !a0es fun of "ou and re=ects "ou in front of e/er"one else: Your self+estee! is shattered and instead of recogni>ing the situation for what it was ? one *itch" girl ? "ou decide the girls at parties are full of the!sel/es and can’t *e trusted:

The !ost unfortunate aspect of li!iting *eliefs is that our !ind is constructed to unconsciousl" find e/idence which alread" supports our currentl"+held *eliefs: In ps"cholog"9 this is referred to as the su*=ecti/e /alidation *ias: Once the *elief is adopted9 our !ind then goes on auto+pilot to continue reinforcing it: So our poor re=ected part"+goer will li0el" *egin to percei/e *itch" *eha/iors in all of the girls at the part": -oo0 at how entitled and push" that girl is when she as0s for another *eer: Oh9 loo0 at that girl9 she doesn’t e/en li0e the gu" she’s dancing with9 she’s pro*a*l" using hi! for attention to !a0e so!e other gu" =ealous: -oo0 at that girl standing *" herself9 does she thin0 she’s too good for e/er"*od"( ach rationali>ation reinforces the original e8cuse9 that girls at parties are *itches9 deeper  entrenching the *elief further and further until it goes un@uestioned: Once the li!iting *elief is solidified9 our capti/it" is co!pleted through self+fulfilling prophec": Self+ fulfilling prophec" is when our *eliefs unconsciousl" alter our actions to reinforce those sa!e *eliefs: We all do it: We can’t help it: #or instance9 in one fa!ous stud"9 ps"chologists found that gi/ing test+ su*=ects non+alcoholic *eer and then gi/ing the! a fa0e *reathal">er telling the! that the" were drun09 the su*=ects responded =ust as poorl" to acuit" tests as people who actuall" were drun0: The su*=ects were lead to *elie/e the" were drun0 and therefore unconsciousl" *eha/ed accordingl": Their poor acuit" scores onl" reinforced their *elief that the" were drun0 and !ost of the! refused to *elie/e the ps"chologists when the" were told the" were ad!inistered non+alcoholic *e/erages:

In a si!ilar /ein9 our re=ected part"+goer’s newl" solidified *elief that all girls at parties are stuc0+up *itches will now influence his *eha/ior in future encounters with girls at parties: At the ne8t part" he’s at9 each girl he co!es in contact with he will treat as if she’s stuc0 up and full of herself ? i:e:9 he will not e8actl" *e friendl" or rela8ed around her: This9 in turn9 is !ore li0el" to elicit negati/e responses fro! the girls ? after all9 when "ou treat a girl li0e a *itch9 she’s li0el" to act li0e one ? and thus he further solidifies his *elief that the"’re all stuc0+up *itches: ,e’s now an elephant tied to a rope9 which he doesn’t e/en reali>e he can *rea0: It’s a /icious c"cle9 as *elief influences *eha/ior which in turn influences results which reinforces the original *elief that led to a negati/e result to *egin with:

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