Lecherous Limericks - Isaac Asimov

ISAAC

IFAWCETTi [

CREST

ASIMOV ^^

100 original limericks

^^

by the bestselling author of

THE SENS^QUS DIRTY OLD MAN BoldlyWustrated

J

X2841«$1.75

A TASTE OF LECHEROUS LIMERICKS

How

bitter

was Joseph's existence

When he found Meant

that his girl friend's insistence

that he'd have to

wed her

Before he could bed her

She was simply a piece de

There was a young

Who found

it

To make

resistance.

woman named Susan

completely amusin love to three

9

men

Although who did what when

Was frequently rather confusin'.

A woman who lived in St. Had

Paul

breasts undeniably small

Her husband growled, "Dear,

Why not burn your brassiere? It's fulfilling

no function

at all."

Fawcctt Crest and Premier Books

by Isaac Asimov:

THE EARLY ASIMOV, Book One THE EARLY ASIMOV, Book Two PEBBLE IN THE SKY THE STARS, LIKE DUST THE CURRENTS OF SPACE THE CAVES OF STEEL THE END OF ETERNITY THE MARTIAN WAY THE NAKED SUN EARTH IS ROOM ENOUGH NINE TOMORROWS NIGHTFALL THE GODS THEMSELVES THE BEST OF ISAAC ASIMOV LECHEROUS LIMERICKS REALM OF ALGEBRA REALM OF NUMBERS

And

these anthologies

edited by Isaac

Asimov:

THE HUGO WINNERS, Volume I STORIES FROM THE HUGO WINNERS, Volume II MORE STORIES FROM THE HUGO WINNERS, Volume III WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE? BEFORE THE GOLDEN AGE, Book 1 BEFORE THE GOLDEN AGE, Book 2 BEFORE THE GOLDEN AGE, Book 3

X/echerous Xyimericks

by Isaac Asimov

With Illustrations by Mort Gerberg

A FAWCETT CREST BOOK Fawcett Publications,

Inc.,

Greenwich, Connecticut

LECHEROUS LIMERICKS

BOOK CONTAINS THE COMPLETE TEXT OF THE ORIGINAL HARDCOVER EDITION.

THIS

A

Fawcett Crest Book reprinted by arrangement with

Walker Publishing Company, Copyright

©

Inc.

1975 by Isaac Asimov

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this

portions thereof in any form.

Library of Congress Catalog Card

Number: 75-7922

Printed in the United States of America

First printing:

May

1976

123456789

10

book or

r

my wife the doctor

o

NTRODUCTION

The

limerick

is

a stylized verse form and

is

as

me-

ticulously structured as the sonnet. Consider the limi-

form alone is concerned: must consist of five lines: no more, no less, 2. The rhyme scheme must be a, a, b, b, a. That is, the first, second, and fifth lines must rhyme. The third and fourth lines must rhyme also, but they must have a different rhyme from that of the first, second, and tations as far as the 1.

It

fifth lines.

3.

The

first,

second, and

three feet each;

that

is,

fifth lines

must consist of

each must contain three

The third and fourth lines must conmeans there must be thirteen feet to no more, no less distributed among

stressed syllables. sist

of two. This

—

the limerick

—

the lines exactly as I have indicated. 4. The typical foot of the limerick is an anapest. That is, it consists of two unstressed syllables followed by a stressed one: dih-dih-DAH. All thirteen feet of the limerick can be anapests, but it is quite usual for

(6)

one or two of the

initial feet in

the lines to be iambic;

that is, to consist of one unstressed syllable followed by a stressed one: dih-DAH. 5. The rhyme may be masculine, involving a single syllable such as "main" and "plain"; or it may be feminine, using two or even three syllables, such as "measure" and "treasure" or "healthier" and "wealthier." Therefore, the last foot in a line may be dih-dih-DAH, dih-dih-DAH-dih, or even dih-dih-DAH-dih-dih. The two different sets of rhymes in the limerick can be either both masculine, both feminine, or one masculine and one feminine. With all this in mind, here is the rhythm of a typical

limerick:

dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH-dih dih-dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH-dih dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH-dih If

here cise

you want to see what is

this

rhythm

is

in words,

a limerick (not mine, alas) containing the pre-

rhythm given above:

(7)

A

honeymoon couple named Kelly Spent their honeymoon belly to belly, Because

in their haste,

They used

library paste

In the place of petroleum

(8)

jelly.

It is

lines,

conventional to indent the third and fourth

both because they are shorter than the other

and because it is convenient to emphasize there is a change in rhyme for those two. three

What

is

just as

the limerick 1.

The

is

important as the metrical rigidity of

the nature of

its

content,

limerick must represent a complete story,

with a beginning, a middle, and an end. This, in is

that

itself,

a neat trick considering that the longest legitimate

limerick can only have forty-nine syllables and that

it

can be as short as thirty-four syllables. The limerick I have quoted above tells the tale of the appalling misfortune that overcame two young lovers and does it completely in forty syllables. 2.

The

limerick must be humorous; that

is,

if it is

be a real limerick, and not merely a set of lines that happen to have the limerick form. For instance, in The Yeoman of the Guard, W. S. Gilbert includes a song that begins as follows: to

just

A man who would woo a fair maid Should 'prentice himself to the trade. He should study all day In methodical way

How to flatter, cajole, As

far as

perfect

cerned.

rhyme and meter

—but only

limerick It is

and persuade. are concerned, this

is

as far as those are con-

neither complete nor funny; nor, to

Gilbert justice,

was

it

a

intended to be, in

itself,

do

either

complete or funny.

(9)

:

At

3.

least part of the

humor should be

expressed

by the cleverness or unexpectedness of the rhymes. Here, for instance,

up

for the Gilbert

(of which I

A

am

is

a limerick that I recently

and Sullivan Society of

made

New York

a member)

certain unmusical Persian

Had a curious sort of perversion. He thought that the part That was words was by Art And was sure that the tunes were Gilbertian. an "in" limerick and not for general consumption, because only the Gilbert and Sullivan fanatics would know at once that "Art" was Sir Arthur Sullivan; and that to think that the libretto of the great operettas was by Sullivan and the music by Gilbert was the ultimate in perversion of all that is holy and This

is

proper.

Yet even a profound Gilbert-and-Sullivanian, hearing the initial rhymes of "Persian" and "perversion"

would not be

likely to guess that I

was holding "Gil-

bertian" in reserve.

Naturally, rhymes of this sort cannot be used in serious poetry because they elicit laughter in themselves It

and can therefore only be used

follows from this that the limerick

in is

comic not,

verse.

and

is

never intended to be, serious poetry. In fact, so firmly has the limerick established itself as comic verse, that

any poet attempting to write serious poetry in the limif he used only the most somber of rhymes, or no rhymes at all, would find it difficult to erick meter, even

(10)

be taken seriously. The dih-dih-DAH, dih-dih-DAH of the limerick has swallowed up gravity completely. 4. The humor should be vulgar and should deal with actions and words concerning which society pretends nonexistence on. This

is

—

reproduction, excretion, and so

not an absolute requirement and you can,

My limerick about the an example. Clean limericks, like vanilla ice cream or pound

indeed, have "clean" limericks.

unmusical Persian

is

however, lack flavor, cake.

They

tame,

flat,

The

are perfectly edible, but, to

my

taste, are

and unsatisfying.

"vulgar" limerick (usually called the "dirty"

limerick) has

its

value because to the

humor

of

rhyme

and the challenge of metrical rigidity it adds the relief of release. You can relax, for the space of some two score syllables, the bonds of social decorum that hold you in thrall most of the time. The sad tale of the honeymoon couple named Kelly is an example of completely successful vulgarity. 5. Many limericks end the first line with a proper noun, of either a person or a place. Such proper nouns

come

sound patterns and give you a starting platform. You then need to find only two rhymes to it. If the proper noun is difficult to rhyme, the limerick becomes an exercise in ingeniuty. Here, for instance, is a limerick {not my own) that goes: in all kinds of

A woman who lived on Antigua Once said

to her mate,

"What a pig you

are!"

He answered, "My queen, Is

it

manner you mean?

Or do you refer to my figure?" (11)

rhymes don't look very good. When recited, however, the words can be slurred in such a way that they become excellent and hilariously un-

As

written, the

—

makes the limerick satisfactory, for, limerick should be recited, and the written

expected. This ideally, the

form

merely a guide to minimize forgetfulness.

is

Sometimes, the directions for the spoken version are

made

explicit in the written version as

when

the last

two and five in the limerick above are written "pigua" and "figua."

words of

lines

This sort of misspelling

is

permissible, but

it

should

can be insulting to the reader, and it can degenerate into a cheap snatch at orthographic humor. 6. Many limericks start off: 'There was a young be used very parsimoniously.

woman

It

—

" (or old man, young man, old woman, and many other variations). Here is a limerick (not mine) of this type:

of

There was a young lady of Yap With pimples all over her map. But in her interstices There lurked a far worse disease That is commonly known as the clap. This

is

cleverest

complete, vulgar, and contains one of the

rhymes

"worse disease."

I

have come across:

And

yet the limerick

lines.

line verges

on the

(12)

falls

and

short of

rhyme comes in the third The laugh comes there and the fifth

perfection because the clever

and fourth

"interstices"

anticlimactic.

Let

me

stress,

though, that the

first

line of

a —

limer-

was a young woman of " and the end of the first line need not be a proper noun. Let the other requirements be fulfilled, and these first line

ick need not be "There

failures are forgiven and, indeed, are not

even no-

ticed.

As

I said earlier, limericks

should be recited. Well

recited, they are funnier than they

cold print

—but

can possibly be in you must take.

there are precautions

For heaven's sake, don't recite a limerick unless you are sure you are syllable perfect. If you forget and stop, all value is lost. If you forget and improvise and come out with a syllable too few or too many, the ef1.

fect 2.

greatly weakened.

is

In reciting the limerick, emphasize the rhythm

and rhyme

You're not supposed to do this in reading serious poetry, but a limerick isn't serious poetry. By proper emphasis you get across the just a little bit.

humorous aspects of the limerick more helps in this respect

pause,

if

the words

if

each

line

efficiently. It

ends at a natural

do not "run on" without a natural

pause from one line to the next. 3. I have my own private feeling that a limerick should be occasionally sung, if you have the voice for it.

Limericks are an Anglo-American tradition, and so

are comic songs, and

own

why

not combine the two?

favorite tune for limericks

is

My

the one to which the

"A man who would woo a fair maid" is sung (may the shade of Sullivan forgive me!). If you don't know the tune, any Gilbert and Sullivan addict

Gilbertian

will teach

it

to you.

(13)

4.

you do sing a limerick, don't sing too many of

If

them, for the tune will

many

pall.

Indeed, don't recite too

them at one time, for the whole thing will pall. The most effective limerick is almost always the one you recite first. The funniest limerick in the world will get no more than a snicker if it comes fifth. of

the limerick as an Anglohave no doubt that limericks can be written in almost any language, but I have the feeling that no language other than English can create the limerick as easily, as numerously, or as humorous-

mentioned,

I

American

earlier,

tradition. I

iy.

The

form and meter are so rigid means you want to tell must be shuffled a bit, adjusted, molded, shaped. A syllable must be added here and dropped there. The result is that you must be ready at all times with a set of synonyms and substifact that the

that the story

tute phrases.

As it happens, English has the largest vocabulary of any language. It is strongly idiomatic and has an almost anarchically loose spelling and grammar. All this means that English is precisely the kind of triplejointed language you need for endless adjustment until, finally, it folds up neady into the five-line, two-rhyme limerick.

where do

Finally,

Well, as I

I

am

know.

I

for

(14)

many

come

have coined

obvious, "one it

/

into

all this?

a limericist. There's

who

it

no such word,

myself, and

it

as far

means, as

is

writes limericks." I've been doing

years, but recently

it fell

into

my

head

to

start writing

up enough

them down and

finally

had made of them pub-

(when

of them) to have a collection

I

lished.

As far

as I

know

there has been

no

collection of lim-

Edward

ericks

by a

single author (other than those of

Lear,

who

started the craze) ever published. In fact,

most successful limericks are of disputed or even anonymous authorship. Let me be the first then to produce a sizable book of completely original limericks (barring always accidental or subconscious duplications in part).

The

limericks included in this book, let

with sex. limericks,

me

say at

them are concerned If you are going to be offended by "dirty" please put the book down it is not my

once, are vulgar, and almost

all

of

—

wish to offend you.

However, there is vulgar and vulgar. A limerick can be merely vulgar without being clever. It can reach for shock value only, be more unpleasant than it has to be, repellent or even nauseating. I have tried never to overstep the bounds I have set myself. If

my

limericks are vulgar, they are light-

hearted and never

Most

of

all, I

more vulgar than they have

earnestly trust that each limerick

to be.

is

more

and witty than it is vulgar, and that is what counts. I can't hope to please each reader with each and every limerick, but my gamble is that almost clever

every reader will find at least a large portion of the limericks amusing.

I'll

settle for that.

have taken the liberty, by the way, of adding titles to each limerick. This is not commonly done, but why I

not?

It

would be a way of

identifying the individual

(15)

— ones, and, with luck, it may even add to the humor. I have also added footnotes where necessary, to explain a usage, point out a flaw, or give an account of origin.

One

last plea

Don't try to read the book

you try

it

book way.

(16)

at a sitting. Just

feel yourself stop laughing.

Then put

it

again after at least a twenty-four-hour will

seem

funnier,

and

read

till

aside and rest.

The

will also last longer that

Xvecherous X-/imericks

(17)

DARKEST BEFORE DAWN There was a sweet girl of Decatur

Who went to sea on a freighter. She was screwed by the master

—An

—

utter disaster

But the crew all made up for it

later.

This one marked the beginning. I composed

it

on board the Queen Elizabeth II when returning from a visit to Great Britain in June, 1974. When I recited

it,

everyone at the table laughed. Since

that time I have

wasn't going to

been writing down limericks. let

I

myself forget them and lose

laughs.

Notice,

by the way, the use of the term

screwed. In these permissive times,

we

ed.

all

know

word fucked can be freely used and However, as a matter of principle, I always

that the

print-

use a less vulgar word or phrase in place of a

more vulgar one when

the

humor is not

affected.

(19)

RUSTRATION

There was a young woman of Sydney Who could take it clear up to the kidney.

But the

thrust of

Alphonse

Barely reached to her

So he

(20)

left

mons

her unsatisfied, didney?

The first twd* lines were given me as a challenge by the writer Lin Carter at a meeting of the Trap Door Spiders, a club to which we both belong. I completed it in just a few minutes, getting that crucial last rhyme (which is "didn't he?" in full) at

once.

Don

Bensen, another

member

Trap Door Spiders and a crackerjack his

own

right,

of the

limericist in

suggested the use of the

name

Al-

phonse, in place of a more tortured rhyming construction that I had.

mons

Veneris,

The mons

which

is

is,

of course, the

the padded region just

above the vagina*

(21)

NDEPENDENCE

A woman from South Philadelphia Once found herself left on the shelfia.

No one wanted her wares But she muttered, "Who cares?"

And cheerfully played with herselfia.

(22)

Limericks feed on themselves. I few, and then I

am

likely to

start

quoting a

be challenged. At a

librarian's convention, I got a

few laughs and

then the beautiful blonde wife of one of lishers

dared

Philadelphia.

me

to base

The above

it

is

on her place

my

pub-

of birth,

the result (though the

fictional

woman

common

with the gorgeous damsel

of the limerick has nothing in

who

elicited

it).

by the way, because she expected no rhymes for Philadelphia, and of course I could supply none. However, I could make up a few. It's not a good idea, in general, to make use She asked for

it,

of non-words for the sake of the rhyme, but some-

times you can get

away with

—

it

as I think I did

here.

(23)

4 HE DANGERS OF DRINK

There was a young

man from Poughkeepsie

Who, whenever he got slightly Would whip out his tool

tipsy,

And attack, like a fool, Any girl who was breasty and hipsy. At

the annual banquet of the Baker Street Ir-

Holmes enthusiasts, of which I am a member) on January 10, 1975, I recited the limerick on Philadelphia to the delight of one of the men at the table who was from that city. Whereupon another man at the table who felt his own hometown slighted, said, regulars (a group of Sherlock

"How about Poughkeepsie?" Well, why not?

(24)

rOOK, EVERYBODY!

A certain young fellow named Vaughn Once felt

To

irresistibly

drawn

exhibiting fun

That involved more than one

So he screwed his best girl on

the lawn.

"Vaughan" is pronounced in such a way as to rhyme with "drawn" and "lawn," of course. There is a tendency to want to write the two rhyme words as "draughan" and "laughan" therefore,

and, indeed,

limerick, that

is

when

exactly

I first

what

wrote down the

I did.

On

further

consideration, however, I decided that the misspelling adds nothing to the recited limerick,

and

moment of confusion to the reading of the written one. The trifle of fun at the misspelling adds a

isn't

worth

it,

I think.

(25)

7jHE LAST STRAW

A man from the small Isle of Wight Once went on a jar eclipse flight. The weather was bad Girls were not to be had And the Moon veered away out of spite.

(26)

I

was discussing the

possibility of arranging a

some far-flung portion of the ocean, and there was naturally talk about the chance of bad weather. There were astroncruise to see an eclipse in

omers among it

us, so I recited the above, adjusting

There were three catastrophes, the weather was bad. Second, one

to the audience.

you

see. First,

could not find sexual consolation, and

—but what could

could see

was worse than

that all the astronomers felt that

bad weather

I

I find still

worse

had paused after the fourth line and let them wonder for a second and then recited the fifth line with an air of exasperation; and the astronomers, recognizing that this had to be for the last line. I

worst of

The

all,

broke up.

Isle of

just south of

Wight

is

in the English

Southampton.

miles in area, so

it's

It is

fair to call

it

Channel

only 147 square

small.

(27)

OPS ARE HUMAN, TOO

A certain hard-working young hooker Was such an enchanting good-looker, f

There were fights mongst the fuzz Over whose turn it was

To pinch her, and frisk her, and book her.

(28)

The same gibup

referred to in connection with

Limerick 6 went to dinner at one of City's classier hotels afterward,

much despondent

New York

and there was

conversation over the level of

the prices. "Oh, well," said one of the gentlemen,

determined to look at the bright

side, "I

under-

stand the hookers here are very refined." Well, to the true limericist almost any casual

comment

an invitation to go off into a brown study, which means that you are working your is

way through

the alphabet searching for rhymes, I

ended with the limerick above, which cheered them up somewhat.

(29)

8 i?ETRIBUTION

There was a young

man named Sam Stover

Who prayed for a girl to Jehovah. She appeared on

And gave him

his lap

the clap

Now that sort of prayer is all over.

(30)

Originally, I wrote this limerick

name

of a personal

around the

and much-beloved friend of

mine; one of the best guys in the world. Every-

body laughed; he didn't. Well, my friend is worth more to me than a million limericks, but I didn't want to throw the limerick away either. So I changed the name at the end of the first line.

(31)

D ON'T BACK OUT NOW All was well with the

Dowager Duchess

When trapped in the mad rapisfs clutches. Till

he turned on the

light,

Took one look, said good night So she hit him with one of her crutches.

n*~

(32)

Note the economy of the limerick form. This

is

a limerick version of a well-known joke about a

pogrom

in a Russian

town

in the old days during

which a cossack burst into a house and an-

nounced the place. herself

me

his intention of raping every

The young daughter

forward and

but spare

my

said,

"Do

female in

of the house threw as

you please with

poor maiden aunt." Whereupon

maiden aunt pushed her aside and said, "Liswho's running this pogrom, you or this nice man?" Properly told, the joke can be made to last the

ten,

half an hour.

The

limerick

tells it

in forty-one syl-

lables.

(33)

10 ONVENEENT IN A PINCH

There was a young lady named Hunt

Who performed the unusual stunt Of screwing by mail When she was in jail For she had a detachable cunt.

(34)

I

suppose

obligatory to have one limerick

it is

makes use of the Anglo-Saxon term for the female pudendum. The rhyme scheme here offers no chance for cleverness masculine throughout and as soon as the first line ends, anyone over the age of ten knows exactly what the last word in the limerick will be. With rhyme out at least that

—

of the way, the value of the limerick lies entirely in the grotesquerie of the image.

Incidentally, in doing the limerick, I hesitated

long over the third and fourth lines for which I

had the

alternative:

Of screwing long distance At her lover's insistence

The advantage was

that

the

feminine rhyme

would slightly overcome the plainness of the rhyme scheme; the disadvantage was that "screwing by mail" was a far more colorful image than "screwing long distance." Incidentally,

these limericks,

you can improve on any of let me know. In a second (en-

if

larged?) edition, I credit.

may

introduce changes with

Please, however, consider improvements

only in the direction of increased cleverness of

rhyme or image and not

in the direction of in-

creased vulgarity.

(35)

11

o VERDOING

IT

There was a young woman named Clare Within genitals lacking in

hair.

What caused this affliction Was sexual friction Which

(36)

left

them the worse for the wear.

My first line read,

attempt at this limerick had the second

"Whose vagina was lacking

think that that

is

wife, a physician,

allow

it

a

much

in hair." I

superior line but

my

on seeing the limerick wouldn't

on anatomical grounds. To

"genital regions" gave

me

too

many

substitute

syllables to

handle, so I compromised in a somewhat unsatisfactory way, and tried the

young woman a second

time in the limerick that follows.

(37)

12

TWoDESTY VICTORIOUS

Another young woman named Clare

Would walk around perfectly bare, Saying, "All that I show Are my publics, you know, For

(38)

my privates are covered with hair."

In using a personal

scheme, ple

and

name

important to use one that

it is

common

as possible.

usual (or even impossible) clearly

it is

to initiate the is

rhyme as sim-

The more nearly una name is, the more rhyme rhyme, and the

there only to serve as a third

for something that has

no

third

limerick withers.

(39)

13

TVo TIME OUT

"I am just/ U

A

9

moaned a girl from Racine,

perpetual motion machine. I can't help

For

it.

I must.

I service the lust

Of a sex-starved young

(4ti)

U.S. Marine."

A

limerick starts sometimes simply because a

common pest

phrase occurs to you that

is

and therefore a perfect limerick

petual motion machine"

meter

is

DAH. The

dih-dih-DAH true

is

a triple analine.

"A

per-

an example for

its

dih-dih-DAH dih-dihat once goes into

limericist

spasms trying to build the other four lines about it.

My first effort was as follows: There was a young fellow from Queens Whose perpetual motion machines

Would move forward by jerks For he kept in the works The best Mexican high-jumping beans. This was unsatisfactory because

it

was

clean,

one thing. For another the phrase "Mexican high-jumping beans" is impermissible. We speak for

"Mexican jumping beans." To insert "high" merely to add a syllable and make the line a of

triple-anapest introduces a clear artificiality that utterly spoils the effect.

(41)

14

REWARD OF INDUSTRY A woman most gorgeously stacked Thought screwing a glorious act. So, for finding a niche

For those who were rich, She was diamonded, minked, Cadillacked.

(42) ,

odd the things that hold you up sometimes. "She was diamonded, minked, Cadillacked" is a triple anapest that I knew would be a good last line when I thought of it. I had very little trouble thinking up the first four lines, but then I was hung up for quite a while over the spelling of "Cadillacked." When recited, the word causes no trouble, and its meaning is perfectly plain. You have three nouns associated with successful ladies of easy virtue, each one of which is treated as an intransitive verb. But whereas you can add an "ed" to diamond and mink without trouble, how do you add an "ed" to Cadillac, without making it "Cadillaced" and have the second "c" become soft. I finally added a "k" and took the chance of having the word become unrecIt's

The

line

ognizable at

first

glance.

(43)

15

sHOCKING!

There

is

a young

woman from Riga

With morals depressingly meager. She's seduced twice a week

By a If

(44)

lecherous Greek

"seduced"

is

the

word when she's eager.

Shortly after composing the above limerick, I

met a young woman I knew whose last name rhymed with Riga. I promptly recited the limerick, carefully substituting her name at the end of the first line. I expected laughter and charming embarrassment and a face turning attractively pink. It didn't

said,

"Oh,

I

happen. She just turned wistful and wish that were true." (Naturally, out

of a sense of

sympathy and

friendship, I offered

to help out, but she said I wasn't Greek.)

(45)

16

A POOR EXAMPLE An

Olympian lecher was Zeus, Always playing around fast and loose, With one hand in the bodice Of some likely young goddess

And

(46)

the other preparing to goose.

Zeus was, of course, the chief of the gods

living

on Mount Olympus in the Greek mythology, and, indeed, no goddess, nymph, or mortal woman was safe from him if we go by the myths. What started the limerick, though, was the irresistible rhyming of "bodice" and "goddess." Once that occurred to me I had to follow through.

(47)

17

The classic

A young woman from South Carolina Placed fiddle strings 'cross her vagina.

With the proper-sized cocks What was sex became Bach's Toccata and Fugue

(48)

in

D Minor.

The composition Toccata and Fugue in D Minor by Johann Sebastian Bach is very well known, and it was the first segment of Walt Disney's to

famous Fantasia.

the phrase occurred

dih-DAH dih-dihdih-dih-DAH-dih would make a perfect lim-

me, and

DAH

When

erick line, I

I realized that its

had to have the

rest.

Then, when the limerick was done,

was conNever will

I

had achieved a classic at last. I be able to do a better one than this. It tipped the scale. With the limericks I then had, I tackled a publisher, and the wheels were set in motion for

vinced

I

producing

this

book.

(49)

18 t±

GOOD MOVE

"On

the

beach" said John,

sadly, "There's such

A thing as revealing too much" So he closed both

his eyes

At the ranks of bare thighs And felt his way through them by touch.

(50)

In the his.

way

first

past

version, the last line read

them by touch" but

tor disallowed ing,

it.

introverted,

peachable virtue

My

wife

my wife the

a shy woman,

is

sweet, lovable,

—but

let

"And

felt

docretir-

and of unim-

her at a limerick, and

she becomes a fierce influence in the direction of increased vulgarity.

She pointed out that to

feel one's

something might mean giving using your hands only to

it

make

way

past

a wide berth and

sure there

is

noth-

ing there, with the least fugitive touch impelling

you

farther outward. Lest

being that

much

to "through."

anyone suspect John of had to change "past"

of a fool I

Much better, I must admit.

(51)

19 ,H,

THOSE SENSITIVE FINGERS

A young violinist named Biddle Played exceedingly well on the

fiddle.

women and art 'Twas the girls won his heart Hands down and hands up and hands Yet 'twixt

—

(52)

middle.

composed a version of this limerick on February 1, 1975, making it an "in" limerick on behalf of NON (the National Organization of NonParents), for which I give talks now and then. It seemed to be greeted with general approval and laughter, and this so bucked me up that I referred to the young woman sitting on my right as "a sexual tornado." Now you must understand that the young woman was beautiful and had a figure that had to be seen to be believed (and was well worth seeing even after you believed) and was dressed I

in

an

outfit that did

nothing to obscure

its

value.

was a big hassle at the meeting over my "sexist remark" and that was reported in The New York Times of February 4, 1975. My speech (a good one) was ignored. Well, as a matter of fact, limericks are, by and large, male chauvinist in nature (certainly mine are). So I hope that no feminist lacking a sense of humor has picked up this book; if so I hope she has put it down again long ago. If she has gotten this far, please put it down and don't Nevertheless after I

left,

there

—

write.

(53)

20

How AWFUL

A

Sultan said sadly,

"One strives

To please all my fifty-six wives. But, alas, intromission

Gives That's

(54)

me the condition

commonly known as the hives.'

The

life

who is hard. One

of a conscientious limericist

seeking for respectable publication

can get away with

all

is

kinds of sexual innuendo

and naughty phrases, but one must avoid other, serious forms of offense. For instance, my

more first

"A Mormon But you know, Mormons don't

attempt at the

said sadly.

.

.

."

first

line began,

polygamy anymore, and they might not think this was funny, and I wouldn't blame them. Then, too, I know some nice Mormons with whom I want to stay on the very best of terms. My next attempt was, "An Arab said sadly. ." And then I thought, "No." After all, some Wall Street friend might be after some oil dollars, and I wouldn't want to queer the deal. So a Sultan it became. There are no sultans around any more (to speak of) so who can be offended? practice

.

.

(55)

21 OMPENSATION

Said a

woman with open delight,

"My pubic hair's perfectly white. I

admit

there's

a glare

But the fellows don't care. They locate it more quickly at night."

My

first

version had

it,

"Said a

woman named

no point using a proper noun that adds nothing to the wit and that seems dragged in simply to supply a rhyme // it Jennifer Bright," but there's

—

can be avoided.

(56)

22 IDE EFFECT

"What a shame" said a winsome young "That an organ that brings

With

its

miss,

me such bliss

delicate touch

Should be wasted on such

An unpleasant production as piss." Fun's fun, but the

when

it

humor

is

lost

The

reaction

I tried

out this

touches too close to home.

of quite a few listeners

on

whom

sometimes

was a very serious, "That's right. It is a shame." There seems a general feeling that the

limerick

evolutionary process in placing so large a functional overlap in the genital/excretory organs

was

practicing an unwise economy.

book have been consumer-tested. There are none that I Incidentally, all the limericks in the

haven't recited to at least a few people. If there

marked and general disapproval,

is

I cross it off.

(57)

23 LA FREUD In her youth, exhibitionist Annie

Was

frequently spanked by her nannie.

That

is

why, to

this day,

Some psychiatrists say She

(58)

is

fond of exposing her fanny.

This one

I

read to

siderable trepidation.

my

wife the doctor with con-

Her

specialty

psychiatry (I think she views

me

happens

to

be

as an interesting

and I feared the worst But she looked up from the book she was reading, smiled, nodded, case),

"Very good!" I didn't want to press my luck, so I didn't ask her if she meant that the limerick was metrically valid or psychiatrically valid, I'll assume both. and

said,

(59)

24 jDon't breathe

An

expert at kissin

Had

9

and

dally in

9

a prick quite like that of a stallion.

His success would be cosmic

But for shortcomings osmic

For he reeked very strongly of

scallion.

(60)

i

My

original

first

line

was

"There once was a stalwart rereading,

a

it

began to seem

lot of hesitating for I

and then It

I

Italian," but then,

on

like a racist slur. I did

hated to lose the limerick,

decided to try for an alternate rhyme.

wasn't easy, and

go to

the very natural,

if

you think you can do

better,

it.

"Osmic" is stretching a point. Considering that the Greek word for "smell" is "osme," then "osmic" clearly means "related to smell." Unfortunately,

meaning.

it isn't

I

listed in the dictionary

with that

considered converting the third and

fourth lines to:

He'd be screwing

like hell

If the girls couldn't smell

However,

I liked the

word "osmic,"

the stupid dictionary, and I liked

regardless of

its

rhyme with

"cosmic," which has no other unforced rhyme, so I

decided to be stubborn about

it.

(61)

25

WiHAT A SHAME! An innocent hooker named Agnes Was reduced to mere

tatters

and ragness

Because the poor sweet

Kept on working a street That was laden with queers and with

(62)

fagness.

company with my audience. I'm proud of this one. I was in bed watching television when someone mentioned a character named Agnes, and I got to work and when I finished I was jumping up and down in Here

is

an example of where

bed in sheer

I part

ecstasy.

There are no unforced rhymes for Agnes; not one. So I

made up two words which

don't exist

but which have perfectly obvious meanings, are perfect rhymes, are utterly unexpected, clever.

And

all I

get are gentle smiles.

No

and are one ap-

preciates sheer creativity. Well, the heck with all

of you.

Next to Limerick

17, this is

my favorite.

(63)

26

Fit for his work

A rapist's convicted, and hence is Executed for all his offenses, Thereafter, indeed,

His victims agreed

That the man was well-hung in both senses.

I

(64)

on whom I tried out this limerick insisted that he had heard the last line on some other limerick, I asked him to repeat the entire

One

of those

limerick, but he couldn't.

This

me

left

limited,

and

I

am bound,

think of something that

is

ick it,

my

no longer

actively

thinking, in

every once in a while, to

someone

else has

all

may even

thought

many, many

think of a limer-

remembered and reproduce

honesty, that

it is

my

anyone recognizes a limerick in

If

tion

time, I

but not un-

large,

of before. In fact, since I have read

limericks in

The number

in rather a dilemma.

of clever but vulgar notions

and can document

its

own.

this collec-

prior appearance in

from future editions, with an apology. As far as I know, however, every limerick in this collection was personally composed by me, with help only where indicated. print,

then

I will eliminate it

(65)

27 HE COST OF IGNORANCE

A young teacher from far-off Bombay Turned down a request for a lay Nicely couched in a note, Since the fellow

who wrote

Had spelled "intercourse"

(66)

with an

"a"

Well, you can't avoid

it

every time. Here's a

limerick that's funnier to the eye than the ear, be-

cause the misspelling exists in the printed form but cannot be indicated in the fact that "intercoarse" with

thing "coarse"

recital.

And

the

an "a" suggests some-

would naturally repel a

delicately

brought-up schoolteacher. Maybe.

(67)

28 HE PROSPECTIVE WIDOW

Said a

man from Mobile, Alabama, my role in life's drama.

"I'm displeased with

My wife,

who's a shrew,

Isn't willing to

screw

And she's sure to outlive me, God damma"

(68)

All right, I succumbed this time and altered the spelling to

make

seems to me, in will

rhyme more obvious.

It

this case, that the split-second

you realize add to the fun.

hesitation before

"damn her"

the

that

"damma"

is

(69)

29 HE STARS AND STRIPES FOREVER

Young Jane was a lollapalooza Yet no one could manage to use

her.

She wouldn't screw with them Except to the rhythm

Of the marches of John Philip Sousa.

(70)

Another one of

my

favorites. After all

bines grotesquerie of image with effective

expected rhymes.

I

don't get

it

comand unit

like this all the

you will find "lollapalooza" in The American Heritage Dictionary, where it is characterized as slang and defined as "Something outstanding of its kind." And I respect The American Heritage Dictionary because it includes me as an entry on page 77. I'm defined as "Russian-born American biochemist, educator, and writer." They left out "limericist" but no time. Incidentally,

one's perfect

(71)

30 ORETHOUGHT

A

fellow from Chicopee, Mass.

Rejected another man's pass.

He felt some attraction, But recalled that the action Might well prove a pain in the ass.

(72)

i

I

just

had

originally written the last line as

"Would

my wife the doctor and informed me that I was un-

be a pain in the ass," but

shook her head

fairly limiting the tivity.

people

Well,

all I

know about such

me. So

tell

range of male homosexual ac-

I

things

is

what

replaced the declarative with

the conditional.

Chicopee, by the way, for those of you not

New

Englanders,

is

who

are

a town just north of

Springfield.

(73)

31

M\USIC LOVER During sex, Mary's moans were harmonic

From

high C,

So John

down by

chords, to the tonic.

it

unsordid

To have them

recorded

felt

In sound that was stereophonic.

(74)

I'm faking but

I

it

here, for I'm a musical illiterate,

think that the second line

makes

dictionary says that the "tonic"

is

sense.

The

the keynote,

whatever that means.

(75)

32

OOBAD

How bitter was Joseph's existence When he found that his girl friend's insistence Meant that he'd have

to

wed her

Before he could bed her.

She was simply a piece de

A

play on words!

other one of

my

A

vices:

resistance.

play on words! That's an-

puns and word play. In

do not try to display your knowledge of French by giving "piece de resistance" its proper pronunciation. If I had wanted this limerick, please

would have spelled it correctly, with the accents. Pronounce it as if it were English or the limerick rhythm won't hold up. you

(76)

to

do

that I

33

LOW BUT SURE

•

A young man from a lofty sierra Found sex both

a puzzle and terror.

But he met with a In a similar pass

lass

And

A

—by

they both learned

sierra

is

trial

and

error.

a rough and craggy mountain ridge,

of course. If we're talking of the mountains, then to

have the

man and

the lass meet in a similar

pass sounds as though

words.

If it is, I didn't

notice the possibility

it

might be a play on

intend

till

it

and didn't even

long after the limerick

was composed.

(77)

34 ALEDICTORIAN

A

luscious

young student at Vassar

Was hailed as a top-of-the-classer. But not

You

in her studies

old fuddy-duddies

For she shone as a great piece-of-asser.

(78)

Vassar

is

Poughkeepsie, of course. years ago

I

woman's was never

the well-known

was asked

I

days, en's

I

was

there, but

to lecture at Smith College,

an equally well-known woman's college ampton, Mass.

college in

in

North-

on two successive put me up in the wom-

to speak

and they offered to

dormitory for the night.

I

could hardly wait

to get there.

They did put me up in the dormitory, too. A special room with its own special door to the street and no other door at all. Wise guys!

—

(79)

35

o UCH!

The crotch

of a lady from Trenton

Was too tight to make much of a dent on. The fellows who tried Spread the news far and wide

That she made of a hard-un, a bent-un.

(80)

was held up here on a question of spelling. The American Heritage Dictionary, which contains all the vulgarisms known to man, I think, spells it "hard-on" and defines it as "an erection I

of the penis." All I can say

heard to

it

is

that I've always

sounded as "hard-un" and have taken

it

be a corruption of "hard one."

(81)

36

L AW ABIDING

There was a young woman named Melanie

Who was asked by a man, "Do you sell any? She

replied,

I give

To sell it,

(82)

it

"No,

siree,

for free

dear

sir, is

a felony."

9

—

As you might ruary 5, 1975

spot

—

I

woman named

by a young of her

was challenged (on Febhappen to remember the day)

guess, I

name

Melanie to make use

in a limerick. I

and recited

it

made one up on

the

to her. Its a tribute to the free-

and-easiness of the time that the imputation of

all

sorts of vile actions to these delicate lassies gives

no

offense.

Melanie laughed heartily and had

me

memorize it. By the way some of you may want to write and tell me that repeat

it

so she could

prostitution

is

not a felony. Don't bother. "Misde-

meanor" wouldn't rhyme.

(83)

37

ETSSEENOW There was a young woman named Susan

Who found it completely amusiri To make love to three men Although who did what when Was frequently rather confusin'.

(84)

Naturally, I repeated this to the

woman

I

politely,

wanted

first

young

met who was named Susan. She laughed then said, "Oh, I could figure it out, if I

to."

(85)

38 HERAPEUTIC EFFECT

Thanks to sex, a young woman named Carol Looked delightful in model's apparel. The slimming effect

Was best, I suspect, When her man had her over a barrel.

(86)

Wishful thinking,

were slimming.

I

suppose, because

My own

experience

I is

wish sex that

it

sharpens the appetite for food as well.

(87)

39

Yo HEAVE HO

A stableman, fresh from the Ruhr, Had a daughter,

and pure. It seems such a shame That her chief claim to fame delightful

.

Was her great skill at pitching manure.

(88)

—

Years ago, when desk

at the

I

was working soberly

at

my

medical school (I taught biochemistry

there), a fellow faculty

member

said to

me

casu-

and for no earthly reason: "She was only a

ally,

stableman's daughter, but 'er." I

stared at

all

him blankly

the horsemen

until

my

knew

ear, in retro-

spect, converted the last four syllables into "horse

manure"; and there followed one of those strange times,

when you simply cannot

when every time you you

into fresh

ing

on

itself,

pause, recollection sends

paroxysms leaves

you

tried to build a limerick this is as close as I

famous Germany.

is

a

stop laughing

until the laughter, feed-

utterly exhausted.

So

I

about the remark, but

came. The Ruhr, by the way,

mining

region

in

northwestern

(89)

40

One has one's pride

Said a young man,

"Vm really delighted

To find that my love is requited By all twenty-eight Of

the girls that I date.

Were they fewer, Yd feel myself slighted"

The

two limericks have been quite clean by the standards of this book. We'll have to do last

something about

(90)

that.

41 //eh, HEH

There was an old

man from

the Nile

Whose sexual habits were vile. Yet whenever he'd score

The women all swore That he sure made perversion worthwhile. Considering that

I

have written a book entited

The Sensuous Dirty Old Man,

I

am bound

to

uphold the glory of that honorable profession. In fact, at

a recent science fiction convention,

when

young women in usual suave and courtly manner, one of them pinned a badge on my lapel, which read "Dirty Old Men Need Love, Too." I'm not sure why on earth she thought that was appropriate in my I

was engaged

in talking to the

my

case.

(91)

42

OoH, LA, LA

A lovely French girl from Calais Looks great

in her sheer negligee.

Delightful

and chaste

She would just suit the

Of the

(92)

taste

typical Gallic gourmet.

Fortunately, I ing out

my

am

not backward about point-

expertise.

The

three

rhyme words,

"Calais," "negligee," and "gourmet" are French

words, are at

home

in English, and,

are perfect rhymes, each is

these

little

is

though they

different to the eye. It

things that add to the flavor of limer-

ick composition, even though they

looked in the reading or

may be

over-

recital.

(93)

43 LEASANT SURPRISE

A

colonial

Was by

girl,

sweet and sainted.

war-striped young Indians tainted.

Later, asked of the ravages,

She said of the savages, "They aren't as bad as they're painted."

(94)

Even when a line scans perfectly, as does line number two here: "Was by WAR-striped young INdians TAINTed," dih-dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH-dih,

it

remains

possible

sound combinations to be hard to

for

recite.

the

If s a

had to cram into ten syllables the fact that they were Indians in war paint without using the word "paint," which I was saving for the last word. difficult line to say,

and yet

I

(95)

44 OOLOGICAL COMPARISON A

when he necks, when he's having sex,

stately giraffe,

Or a hippo,

Aren't worth a tut-tut

To Of

(96)

the bellowing rut

the great Tyrannosaurus Rex.

This one

is

a complete cheat.

The

great prehis-

ti-RAN-oh-SAW-rus-REX, three iambic feet—dih-DAH-dih-DAH-dih-DAH. It is impossible to make a limerick out of that. However, is there a law that says you can't mispronounce? If you pronounce it ti-ra-NOS-uh-rusREX, you have dih-dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH, and toric

dinosaur

is

a limerick.

(97)

45

Oh

,

THAT SCREAMING

Young Alice

is

known for her poise

During quiet foreplay with the boys.

But then when she has 'em

At the brink of orgasm,

You can't hear yourself think for the noise.

(98)

The but

I

last line is

a

wanted to keep

little difficult it

to say clearly,

intact because

it's

a com-

mon expression I wanted to lead up to.

(99)

46 NDECISION

An uncertain young woman named Fern Was so great she had lovers to

burn.

She got into bed With both Johnnie and Fred

And didn't know which way to turn.

(100)

My

knew which way

all right, if

on

the

"And

attempt at a last line read,

first

scarcely

you read

second

it

would be stress coming

to turn." This

with the

syllable

first

the

of

SCARCEly knew WHICH way

to

"And

line,

TURN." Un-

fortunately, as I studied the line I realized there

would be a tendency, in following rhythm to place the ble,

reading

to

TURN"

changed

it

it

"And

to

"And it

So

I

know which way

to

seems to me,

first stress

DIDn't know

natural

everything.

ruins didn't

on

its

the fourth sylla-

KNEW which WAY

scarcely

—which

turn," which,

ceive the

first stress

is

more

on the second

likely to re-

syllable,

"And

WHICH way to TURN."

(101)

47

Him?

A confirmed multilinguist, I fear, Finds conditions for flirting severe.

A girl scarcely knows The response "Bitte,

(102)

to

a beau's

couchez avec mich,

my dear/

Well,

let's see.

"Bitte"

is

and "mich"

German

is

is

German

for "please";

French for "come to bed with"

"couchez avec"

dear," that's English. I

As for "my a party when some-

for "me."

was

at

one mentioned that he spoke a large number of unlikely languages. All I can

man, French, and a

my

best.

When

little bit

I recited

it,

I

are Ger-

of English, so I did

drew a blank from

everyone but the multilinguist,

an obligation. But / like

manage

who

perhaps

felt

it.

(103)

48

WAGNERIAN

There was a young woman named Golda

Whose

grew colder and colder For during love making lovers

She'd sing the earth-shaking

Love theme from Tristan und Isolde.

(104)

In English, the is

Iseult.

Isolde

name is

the

is Isolt,

German

and

in

French

version and

it

is

what Wagner used. For some reason, I am most familiar with the name Iseult, and I very naturally began my limerick with, "There once

therefore

was a hardy old Bait" (who would be a native of the Baltic coastline of the Soviet Union) A Wag.

nerian enthusiast to

whom

I recited

the limerick

would love it, said So I changed it.

in the mistaken notion that he

in accents of horror, "Iseult?"

(105)

49

ftITHER WAY There was an old Scotsman of Fife

Who had left, in the course of his life, Scores of well-rounded ends

Of the wives of his friends

And likewise of the friends of his wife.

(106)

This was one of those rare limericks where I

began without a notion of the

ways

fifth line. (It is al-

safest to get that fifth line, or at least the

idea behind

had the

first

and then work toward it.) I four lines without trouble and then

it,

first

couldn't imagine

how

to end

it.

I

kept mumbling

rhymes for half an hour, and then,

after I

gave

popped into my mind unbidden. by the way, is a county on the southeast-

up, the last line Fife,

ern coast of Scotland.

(107)

50

Hold tight!

man of Rostov

There was a young

Who found it a risk to make love. He had grown

very fond

Of a statuesque blonde

And was hurt when he slipped and fell off. Rostov

mouth

is

of the

a city in southern Russia, at the

Don

I'm concerned,

is

River. Its chief fame, as far as that

it

was the

first

major

city

ever taken by the Nazis that they were forced to give up again, back in 194 1.

(108)

51

T'S

ONLY FITTING

A sprightly young fellow named Jay Screwed a

girl in his

car every day.

His aims weren't base

He just wanted to place The

"let" in his old Chevrolet.

There was nothing

I

could do to that

last line

would make me happy. Recited, there is no problem. The last line goes "The lay' in his old Chevrolay" and everything is as clear as a mountain spring. If I were to write it that way, however, I would insult the readers, and if I leave it 1-e-t, then it looks funny to the eye. Oh, the miseries

that

of a limericist.

(109)

52

MiORE THAN ONE WAY A certain young woman named Mame Longs to play in a tough football game* You would think that can't be Since she's female, you see, Yet she's making the team, just the same.

(UO)

Prudery makes

it

so difficult to refer to sexual

intercourse in any straightforward

who must do

so have invented

way

that those

an incredible

number of euphemisms for the purpose. Some of them are extremely common words, such as "making" and "having." As a human being I despise the social hypocrisy that makes this necessary; but as a limericist, I appreciate it and take all

the opportunities

it

affords

me

for giving an

—heh, heh.

innocent phrase a vulgar twist

(Ul)

53

jFollowing orders

At a

bullfight,

When

JosS made his bid.

the maiden agreed, he

was

Of all inhibitions And, despite the conditions, As the crowd yelled "Ole!" Jose

(112)

rid

did.

This

is

one of the limericks that never

get a laugh

when

prised at that since

I tried it out. it

I'm a

failed to

little

sur-

possesses a serious failing in

that the second line runs directly into the third,

and

I

have to allow an

in order to

enough

to

artificial

pause after "rid"

emphasize the rhyme and meter well

produce an

effect. I

guess the final un-

expected use of the cry "Ole" (pronounced "oh lay," of course) carries all before

it.

Well,

who

am I to quarrel with success.

(113)

54 C/nwieldy

There was a young fellow from Juilliard

With a penis that measured a full yard.

The girls whispered and

leered

And most of them cheered Whenever he ran through the schoolyard.

(U4)

Juilliard is a

music school in

short walking distance of

New

where

York, within

I live.

As

it

hap-

young woman who worked at Juilliard was visiting us, and the word naturally came up. When I finally worked it out and recited it, she said, "Juilliard doesn't really have a schoolyard," which is an example of the irrelevant obstacles pens, a

that are placed in the

path of the truly creative

person.

(U5)

55

D ISILLUSIONMENT

There was a young sailor from

Rome

Who found the girls over the foam All acted the same

In the sexual

game

So he might just as well have stayed home.

(116)

you stop to think of it, this one is deeply philosophic. But don't stop to think of it. Philosophy If

doesn't help a limerick. Incidentally,

a line that consists entirely of

monosyllables tends to be a

pause between words

is

a

little

little

jerky since the

greater than the

pause between syllables of a polysyllabic word. In real poetry, there is a

tendency to avoid that row

of monosyllables, therefore; but in limericks, I

rather like

it

when

the words

come

naturally as in

"So he might just as well have stayed home," or as in

"And was

hurt

when he

slipped and

in the last line of Limerick 50.

ing

fell off"

Nine words mak-

up a perfect anapestic trimeter

is

nice every

once in a while.

(U7)

56 JjTeARTBREAK!

seemed all was well for old Bill For the night was romantic and still. She was warm, she was waiting, She was ripe for the mating But alas she was not on the pill. 7/

—

(U8)

No

laughs

when

this

one

is

recited,

and I knew and consid-

be when I finished it had written. The first four lines are too sweet and soft to be part of a proper-

there wouldn't

ered what I actually

ly vulgar limerick.

In

fact,

when

recited with the

kind of melting sentiment,

right

(especially the

the

listeners

women somehow) rummage

minds anxiously for what

it

will

be that can

their

possi-

wrong and remembering the "Bill" and "still" they more than once have burst out, "Oh, she isn't on the pill, Oh, poor Bill." Naturally, I bly go

look censorious for a limerick should never be interrupted, but

on the other hand

fective the limerick is

—so

I

—even

if

it

shows how

ef-

not as a limerick

kept it

(U9)

57 ILL IN

A NIGHT'S WORK

There was a young woman named Maud

Who found herself now and then floored

—Or bedded, Or

Oh,

(120)

or chaired,

top of the staired

well,

it's

the

life

—

of a bawd.

I

suppose that each limerick has

recital

method. Experimenting with

its

optimum

this

one

I

found that the most effective method was to recite the first

two

lines seriously

and slowly, then rap

out the next two in a rapid, hectic manner,

then

fall

and

back into a mood of resignation in the

fifth line.

(121)

58 SYMMETRY There was a young lady named Bates

Who amused every one of her dates By keeping one

breast

In total arrest

While the other discribed figure

(122)

eights.

I

made a

great discovery with this one.

Having

some limericks to a young lady with considerable success, I came to this one. I recited it with gravity and great earnestness and when I said, "By keeping one breast / In total arrest," I placed my hand on one of her breasts as though to keep it steady, and she paid no attention whatever, thinking it was part of the verse. As soon as I work up my courage, I'll try it on someone else. (The trouble is that even a succession of successes doesn't help. The first failure is recited

likely to

be a drastic one.

(123)

59 ^Reciprocity

A certain sweet girl from Key West Was uncommonly large in the chest. Any man's close attention To her outsize dimension Brought his own measurement to its

(124)

best.

My

wife the doctor reacted favorably to this

and said, "That's nice/' I do not what she was referring. She and I have different views on just what is nice, thank goodness. (At this point, I wouldn't say "Vive la dif-

one. She grinned

know

to

ference" for anything.)

(125)

60

Setter than nothing

There was a young

woman named

Who said,

want

If,

"I don't

in five

Vicki

to be picky.

hours or so

As you say, you must go, At

(126)

least we'll

have time for a quicky."

This

is

women

another one that some of

listeners

sometimes

don't

my young greet

with

laughter. Instead, I get those cries of "Right on!" I

think that the

going to stamina.

make It's

women's lots

going to

liberation

movement

is

demands on masculine be put up or shut up, I'm

of

afraid.

(127)

61

TVoTHING PERSONAL

A psychiatrist said, "Ifs no matter That my husband is mad as a hatter. There are certain psychoses That bring sex in large doses.

My husband, you see, is a satyr."

(128)

My

wife the doctor took a personal interest in

one and, in

this

fact,

fourth lines while I

supplied

was taking

the

third

my morning

and

show-

what my corresponding lines were, but they were rotten and hers were much better. Of course, I am a little nervous over the fact that I myself happen to be the husband of a psychiatrist, and I have been called as mad as a hatter on occasion. However, as the title of the limerick indicates, there is no personal reference here. I am not a satyr; just an ordinary hard-working male interested in what he does. er.

I

forget

(129)

62 TVeXT!

The climax, when Josie engages, Is

postponed for what seems to be ages.

Out of self-preservation

And to banish frustration

—

She has three or four fellows

(130)

in stages.

was nearly trapped with what one might call an identity rhyme in this one. The third and fourth lines, as I originally composed them, read: I

"out of tion."

self-preservation

/

To

avoid depriva-

Although "self-preservation" and "depriva-

tion" are quite different words, using both, suc-

ceeds in rhyming "vation and "vation" and this can't

be done. Fortunately,

I

caught

it

in time.

(131)

63

lLL is

not lost

Annabelle turned beet-red

in the face

At having been raped. Such disgrace! Yet although

it

was

terrible

was not quite unbearable. She had taken her pill just in case. It

(132)

For some reason in

I

am

reminded of the movie

which James Coburn takes advantage of a

woman

Her father pursues him, catches up, and when Coburn denied wrongdoing, the father demanded to know what he called what had happened, Coburn thought a while then young

said,

in a barn.

with a shy smile, "Assault with a friendly

weapon?"

(133)

64 HE ECONOMIC FACTS

An

industrious

Conceived

young

obstetrician

his financial position

To depend upon beauty

And husbandly duty Plus determined and endless coition.

(134)

_

The mere use

me

of the

word

"coition" reminds

of the sad fact that there are hundreds of

great limericks that I

can never possibly think up

for the reason that they are already

thought up.

Thus, no limerick using "coition" can ever surpass that great classic (which

Once

Titian, while

is,

alas,

not mine)

mixing rose madder,

Spied his model on top of the ladder.

Her position,

to Titian,

Suggested coition,

So he climbed up the ladder and had Break, break,

9

er.

my heart!

(135)

65

WOMAN'S PREROGATIVE

A

virtuous maiden

named Nora

Viewed sexual sinning with horror. But a bit of love play

Was indulged in today And who knows what she'll

(136)

think by tomorrow.

The triple rhyme is much better when recited when written, but by now you should be aware of such things. The rising tide of women's

than

by the way, is pushing aside those little privileges men were wont to shower on women to make up for the latter's economic and social slavery. Ill bet some of you don't even know what "woman's prerogative" is. Well, it's the privilege of changing her mind at whim. liberation,

(137)

66

TVoT FOILED!

There was a young

man of Belgrade

Who planned to seduce a fair maid. And as it befell He succeeded quite So the maid,

(138)

well

like the plan,

was deep-laid.

You know

it isn't

always good to punctuate a

limerick according to the strict tenets of the English teacher.

enthetical

In the

remark

perfect, for

apestic feet

it

last line,

marking

'like the plan" with

and precisely

parenthetical phrase "as

fits

idea, for

the limerick sing-

marking

off the

you don't want a break between

"and" automatically,

liberately.

is

befell" is not such a

it

"and" and "as." So though after

commas

breaks the line up into the three an-

song. In the third line, however,

good

off the par-

(Belgrade

is

I

I

put in the

then took

it

comma out, de-

the capital of Yugoslavia.)

(139)

67

R ETIREMENT! There was an old

man of Belfast

Whose active sex life was so vast He was glad he'd worked through

To a spry ninety-two When his lust was declining at last.

(140)

Actually, there are reports that an active sex life

can indeed continue into advanced old age.

am

given the opportunity,

check

If

it

out as

a matter of scientific curiosity. I already

know

I

that

it

all I'll

I shall

continues into advanced youth (which

admit to).

Do

I

need to say that Belfast

is

is

the capital of Northern Ireland?

(141)

68

No, IT WON'T

Those men who are born under Taurus

Are attracted to girls of the chorus. They go on to excursions In varied perversions

—

But forget it, the details would bore

(142)

us.

Taurus

is

one of the signs of the zodiac, and

as

composed this limerick, it occurred to me that I might do a mock astrological analysis for each of the twelve signs: "Those men who are born under Pisces / Are simply no use in a crisis" soon as

I

and so on. I

decided against

it.

Once

I set

myself an

artifi-

would begin to stretch order not to let one or two of them

cial goal like that, I

for

rhymes

in

go,

and

produce rotten limericks.

I'd

to take is

it

as

over I

it

comes.

may have

twelve signs

—but

Who

It's

much

knows? Before

better

my

life

limericks for each of the

as inspiration wills

and not

otherwise.

(143)

69 lGE

cannot wither

A

queen of old Egypt, named Cleo Conducted her loving "con brio."

She felt quite at home

in

The arms of one Roman But preferred to be part of a

(144)

trio.

T stretched for this one.

"Con

brio"

is

an

Ital-

ian phrase often used in music (and therefore familiar to English-speaking music lovers) and meaning "with vigor." Since the meaning fits and

so does the rhyme, I couldn't resist

Of patra.

course, I

am

probably maligning poor Cleo-

She was probably quite

with

Mark

title is

from

satisfied

Antony when he was around. The

Enobarbus's comment concerning Cleopatra in Shakespeare's Antony and Cleopatra

—"Age

can-

not wither, nor custom stale / Her infinite variety."

(145)

70

Well, HARDLY EVER

There was an old maid of Peru Who swore that she never would screw

Except under stress

Of forceful duress Like,

(146)

"Ym ready, dear, how about you?

9

I hesitated

here for

I

thought that the

first

line

might be "There was a coed of Purdue." But no; the

whole thing seems to

fit

doesn't it? I get best results

four lines grimly

the old

maid

better,

by reading the

and heavily (especially the

first

third

and fourth) and then becoming suddenly bouncy with the

fifth.

(147)

71

Male chauvinist pig

Turning down the desires of Marie,

John explained, "It's unfair, don't you see? For all I can do Is to keep screwing you While you'd screw none other than me."

(148)

I'm not renowned for the length and depth of

my

sleep.

In

fact, if I get five

night, that's plenty,

and

I

hours on any given

don't always

make

it.

Periods of wakefulness are good times for com-

posing limericks, and

when

this

one

came

at

about 3 a.m. one night, I laughed out loud and

woke my wife the doctor. She

said, blearily,

"What's the matter?"

"Listen," quite ready to explain matter,

"How

does

this strike

I said,

what was the

you?" and recited

the limerick. She didn't laugh at

all.

She

just said,

"Male chauvinist pig!" turned around and went back to sleep. Well, she gave me quite distinctly,

the

title.

(149)

72

OO GOOD TO USE

A

finicky

man from

Australia

With the ladies was largely a

He said, But It will

(ISO)

"Sex

in the

failure.

may be fun

long run

damage my fine genitalia."

This illustrates the general thesis that caution

may be

carried too far.

Has

it

ever occurred to

you that a wide stock of limericks held in reserve in your

possible

memory banks might serve to make it for you to illustrate many philosophical

points? If someone's overcaution

is

getting in

"You remind me of the finicky man from Australia.'' The other is sure to say, "What finicky man from Australia?" You then recite the limerick and make your point. (And if you're a nice guy, you send

your way, you can say, disapprovingly,

me a bonus.)

(151)

73

D ISILLUSIONMENT A

suit an 9 inspecting his

Said,

harem,

"Eunuch, proceed to unbare

Having seen the

9

em"

details

He issued long veils And ordered the harem to wear 'em.

(152)

I

suppose every nonpolygamist

the thought of a harem.

is

fascinated by

My own private feeling is

was probably a lot more trouble than it was worth. When I was a kid, I went to the library once a week to get two books. I went there through rain and snow, through summer heat and winter cold, through hail and sleet. Nothing stopped me. Now when I want a book, I buy it and add it to my own permanent library. It was more fun then, I think. that

it

(153)

74

w