Lead+Circle Unabridged PDF
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Unabridged VERSION
How to Lead
Circle 7 Prncple t La Crcl TH AT AT WILL H AVE AVE WOMEN E N GA GED , CON N ECTED A N D WAN TIN G MO RE!
TANYA LYNN PALUS O
COPYRIGHT © 2015 BY TANYA LYNN PALUSO A l l ri ght s reserv ed. N o pa rt of t hi s pu b l i c a t i on ma y be reprodu c ed, di st ri bu t ed, o r t ra nsmi t t ed i n a ny form o r by a ny mea ns, i nc l u di ng phot oc opy i ng, rec ordi ng, or ot her el ec t roni c or mec ha ni c a l met hods, w i t hou t t he pri or w ri t t en permi ssi on of t he pu bl i sher, ex c ept i n t he c a se of bri ef qu ot a t i ons embodi ed i n c ri t i c a l rev i ew s a nd c er t a i n ot her nonc omm erc i a l u ses permi t t ed by c opy ri ght l a w . For For permi s si on requ est s, w ri t e t o t he pu bl i she r, a ddressed “ A t t ent i on: P ermi ssi ons C oordi na t or,” or,” a t t he a ddress b el ow . N ew F em P u bl i shi ng ema i l : a dmi n@si st ershi pc i rc l e. c om ht t p: / / si st ershi pc i rc l e. c om O rderi ng I nforma t i on: Q u a nt i t y sa l es. Spec i a l d i sc ou nt s a re a v a i l a bl e on qu a nt i t y pu rc ha ses by c orpora t i ons, a ss oc i a t i ons, a nd ot hers . F or det a i l s, c ont a c t t he pu bl i sher a t t he a ddress a bov e. I SB N : 978- 0- 9914837- 2- 3
Introducto Circles are stronger than ever right now. I see them forming everywhere. From Sheryl Sandberg’s Lean In Circles to Sistership Circles to Wisdom Circles, the movement has caught wildre. Women are craving connection — tired of the social norms of isolation, doing it on your own, being the lone wolf. Women are seeking community support support to build businesses, develop meaningful friendships friendships that are more than skin deep, and a place to rediscover their authentic selves. The Dalai Lama predicted a few years ago that the world will be saved by the western woman woman and circles have become the breeding ground for empowered feminine leaders who want to answer the calling. You have found How to Lead Circle because Circle because you get it. You resonate with that calling deep in your bones. It is a soul calling. You want to be in a community of women and you are one of those women determined to make it happen. This is part of your purpose. There is no coincidence that you are here. Women have been gathering in circle for thousands of years. Women have known that their collective power is stronger than their individual power. Women were prevented from gathering in public and stripped of their power when the church deemed them witches and burned them at the stake. The circle is reemerging with the rise of the divine feminine. We can all feel it. The shift. shift. Women are becoming stronger, speaking up, and taking charge of their fate. Right now in 2016, Hillary Clinton is running for president. There are historic highs for women in positions of congress and the executive suite of fortune 500 companies.
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We need to balance out the strong masculine energy on the planet to make sure humanity does not go extinct. We need to take care of mother earth before she kicks us all out. She (the earth) is always in harmony; the key lies within humanity balancing the feminine and masculine energies to create complete harmony, and circle is where this is happening.
The key lies within humanity balancing the feminine and
Women have been taught that in order to succeed and be worthy they must be masculine. They must be like men. Now, with the reemergence of circles, women are relearning how to be women. To be feminine. To nd their power from within and tap into their feminine presence.
masculine energies to create complete harmony, and circle is where this is happening.
I have created How to Lead Circle because Circle because I believe in the power of circle and my mission is to empower the leadership in as many women as possible on this planet. As we become more and more conscious, we can see the power of collaborating instead of competing with one another and becoming more mindful of our impact on others and the planet.
Imagine if there was a local circle in every town. When women feel seen and heard, they light up. They feel empowered to make a dierence. When women work together, magic happens. We are by nature nurturers, connectors and caretakers. This is why we need more women to raise their hands and be the catalyst for more circles to exist, more places for women to gather and support one another. For the past 5 years, I have been leading groups of women and have mastered the art of feminine leadership. From my personal experience, I wrote a book called Open Your Heart: How to be a New Generation Feminine Leader and Leader and developed a curriculum for women to gather in Sistership Circles. Circles. I teach women how to ll, lead and grow circles around the world.
When women work together, magic happens
Anyone can lead a circle. I have trained women with no facilitation experience and they have successfully led Sistership Circles with rave reviews from the women sitting in circle. That’s why I have created a simple formula for you to use.
This Guidebook is the unabridged version where I go deeper into each principle to create a highly eective and powerful circle experience.
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But that’s not all!
If you are ready to take the rst step in your leadership and are craving deeper connection with other women leaders who share the same interests and mindset as yourself, then I recommend that you take your seat in circle with us. We have designed the 6-week How to Lead Circle Program Circle Program where we go even deeper into the teachings and show you how to apply them in circle. Each week of the How to Lead Circle Circle Program, you receive a new training Module inside our private membership site. Each Module contains step-by-step training videos, done-for-you templates and scripts, supplemental audio meditations and visualizations, and action guides designed to take you through the exact process to lead your circle program. In addition to receiving your new training Module, you participate in a weekly circle call with other participants and your trainer. On these calls:
You will get to experience the application of the facilitation teachings you have been studying that week. You will connect deeply with the other feminine leaders in the circle and
go through Sistership Circle’s “The Circle Experience” (our signature circle program) rsthand. You’ll then be able to ask questions at the end of each circle call and in the forum to receive coaching from our team and feedback from the community.
I’m here to serve you the best I can which means meeting you wherever you are currently at. This is my dharma and my passion and I’m excited to share what I’ve learned over the years. So let’s begin!
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CONTENTS What Is Circle?
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Principle 1: Your Intention Sets the Context: Start Here
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Principle 2: Honor the Container: Have Consistent Masculine Structure
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Principle 3: Have Guidelines and Agreements to Create Safe, Sacred Space and Go Deep
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Principle 4: Invite Women Into Co-Creative Leadership
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Principle 5: Listen For Their Brilliance
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Principle 6: Lead From Your Intuition (You Know What To Do)
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Principle 7: Give AND Receive
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Putting It All Together
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Filling Your Circle
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Wha i crcl? Circle is the place where women gather to be seen, heard and loved. It is held in the living room of someone’s home or in a room designed specically for circle. The women sit in a physical circle and go around so that each woman has an opportunity to share. I have found that it is important for every woman to know she has equal time for her voice be heard. There is a facilitator, or two co-facilitators, who make sure there is integrity in the circle by adhering to the circle agreements and guidelines. Here are some of the key distinctions for circle: Circle is for every woman. woman. This is not a clique nor a sorority. We are all mirrors of one another and so there is no woman who does not belong. We are not trying to create more separation with circle; we are creating unity, harmony, connection and collaboration. When we acknowledge our judgments toward one another and see that those judgments are our own shadow, we begin to have more acceptance of ourselves and others. We start to heal the division between humanity. We get to be the change in the world that has Palestine and Israel make peace.
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Circle is a space for all voices to be heard. No heard. No one sits back just to observe and listen. Everyone is an active participant. Everyone’s voice matters. Circle is like a wheel, not a pyramid. pyramid. While there is a facilitator, that woman is not put on a pedestal and treated as separate. There is no hierarchy in circle. Each woman matters. We are each a spoke on the wheel, which means that we must all pull our weight. The wheel cannot turn without everyone understanding and believing that they are equally important in creating the structure of the wheel. Circle is a place of abundance. abundance. We are giving and receiving in the circle. It is not about always showing up as your best self to give. Sometimes, a woman is down and needing to receive r eceive support. This is where we learn that everything we need is in circle because we have everything we need inside of us. While each woman is equal, the facilitator should be compensated for the work she does to hold the space. The lesson here is in valuing the container and the facilitator and seeing it as a mirror, valuing yourself.
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Circle is sacred. sacred. When we step into circle, we honor the space. We come into a place of devotion — to ourselves, each other and the circle itself. We turn o the distractions. We stop the chatter. We treat it as holy ground.
Circle is a place where women can share the things they are afraid to
Circle is We safe. safe. We We feeltrust safethrough by feeling to one another. develop ourconnected agreements with one another. Circle is a place where women can share the things they are afraid to speak and learn how to shine light on shame so it no longer exists.
speak and learn how to shine light on shame so it no longer exists
Circle is a mirror. mirror. There is no judgment in circle because the part of you that I am judging is a part of myself I am not accepting. In circle we learn acceptance. You are my sister, reecting both my shadow and my light.
We leave l eave the circle feeling recharged, rechar ged, filled fill ed up, energized and empowered to take action in our lives
Circle is empowering. When empowering. When we feel disempowered in an area of our life, we can claim back our power in circle from the other women reecting our brilliance. We leave the circle feeling recharged, lled up, energized and empowered to take action in our lives. Circle is expansive. expansive. By being lled up with love and support, we leave the circle feeling expansive in the areas where we came in feeling contracted. This is the place to unwind, uncoil and let go.
Circle is life. There life. There is no separation between circle and our life. The goal is to bridge the safe, sacred space that occurs for a woman in the circle and her other relationships so there is no longer a gap.
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Prncpl 1:
Your Intention Intention Sets the Context Our thoughts become our words become our actions. Reality — the outer world — is simply a manifestation of the inner landscape of our minds. This is why intentions are so powerful. What we put our focus and attention on our intentions, they become our reality. Before stepping into circle, you must set some intentions for yourself, the women in the circle and the space you are holding. It creates the context for the circle. Denition of Context: the the interrelated interrelated conditions conditions in which something exists or occurs : environment , , setting setting I have noticed a dierence between the circles where I took the time to set my intention before showing up in the circle and the times when I unconsciously stepped in and just “winged it.” Women didn’t show up and there was a casualness to the circle when I came in without an intention for the evening. It didn’t feel as powerful and intentional. That’s why it’s called an intention. An intention diers from a goal in that it is bigger and broader than a goal. Intentions are not usually specic and measurable and they don‘t always have a time frame or deadline associated with them. A goal is always specic, measurable, and has a time frame or deadline. Intentions aren‘t concrete the way goals are; rather, intentions are thoughts about ourselves-thoughts about who we want and need to be.
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Goals and outcomes are sometimes used interchangeably, and often confused. An outcome is a change that is likely to take place or a change that has taken place; it is a change in the status or condition of something. Outcomes are a „bigger picture“ result than goals. Goals are used to achieve ach ieve desired outcomes. They are stepping stones on the way to achieving a particular outcome. Article Source: Source: http://EzineArticles.com/4501664 The intention for the circle is the foundation. It provides everything that you need to create context. It gives direction. It allows for the circle to do its magic. It allows you to let go and trust in a higher power. Intentions are about a way of BEING. I set a few dierent intentions: 1. The intention for the entire program. If your circle has a start and end date, set an intention for the designated period. 2. The intention for each time the women gather in circle. a. My personal intention for myself of what I want to receive. b. What I want the women to walk away with at the end of our circle. Write the intentions on the top of your notes for your agenda/timeline. You can read this intention to the group at the beginning of the circle, or you can keep the intention to yourself. Have the women set their intention at the start of the program and each time they meet. This can be done either silently in meditation or by sharing in front of a partner or the entire group. Remember, circle is a mirror. Whatever happens in circle, happens in life. Whatever I am feeling, someone else in the circle is also feeling. By setting intentions individually and sharing them collectively, we see our common purpose.
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When we have an intention, we then trust that we will get exactly what we need in circle. Some refer to this as the “circle medicine.” The circle is the space for our intentions to be realized. When we want something, sometimes we have to overcome obstacles. The circle may provide some mirrors that are not so nice to look at. This is the shadow side of circle. This is what makes it real and authentic. It’s not all rainbows and butteries. Like life, there is day and night, darkness and light, winter and summer, illness and health. The medicine, then, helps us heal the parts of ourselves we have shamed or deemed bad and wrong. What is your intention for leading circle?
What do you want to receive?
What do you want the women to walk away with?
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Prncpl 2:
Honor the the Cont Container: ainer: Have Consistent Masculine Structure Once you have set the intention, then you build the container to hold that intention to be fullled. The container consists of various structural elements so that the circle doesn’t fall apart and the circle can work its magic. When I rst started leading circle, I didn’t understand the concept of circle medicine. I didn’t know about containers either. I brought 12 women together to support each other with our dreams for 12 weeks and at the end, it fell apart, along with some of my relationships with some of the women. That scarred me for a long time. It wasn’t until I healed those old wounds that I was able to put together the structure of Sistership Circle that works with or without me as the leader. What I learned is that circle is very feminine in the way it draws women together to connect. But the masculine is equally as important. You can think of it like a glass lled with water. The glass itself is masculine. It has form and structure. The water inside is feminine. It is essence and ows. For the intentions to be realized, the magic to occur, the medicine to work, the container must be solid by having consistent masculine structure present at all times.
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For the intentions to be realized, the magic to occur, the medicine
Women, by nature, are more feminine than masculine, and so it is easy to resist the structure. We can ow with each other and go o on tangents and be more organic. The masculine is more linear.
to work, the container must be solid by having ha ving consistent masculine structure present at all times.
Focus, direction, purpose, goal-oriented, break through boundaries (football and war) to accomplish a mission.
What is the masculine?
The problem with just “going with the ow” all the time and being ultra-feminine is that the group can get lost and dissipate. What happens when the water gets out of the glass? It spreads out. It is no longer held together in one place. The value comes from honoring the container. Understanding that it is what brought the circle to form
and holds it together in existence. To understand the container, we need to distinguish a solid vs. wobbly container. A wobby container occurs when women do not show up for this reason or that reason. This is the rst sign that a circle can fall apart and go out of existence. It feels shaky, casual, almost boring. It is not intentional nor potent. A solid container feels supportive, strong and rm. It’s as if we can all lean back into it and feel like the circle’s got our back.
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The three pillars of the masculine “solid” container
Integrity - doing what we say we will do (as outlined in agreements - see Principle 3) It is important to be our word. We show up when we say we will show up. We say what we mean and mean what we say. This is critical to establish trust within the circle so women can open up more willingly. Connections go deeper when there is trust. Accountability Accountabil ity - congruency In circle, we are doing work to come into alignment with ourselves so our appearance to the outside world is congruent with who we are inside. This is about being real, authentic and true. Responsibility - ability to respond instead of react Triggers come up in circle. The easy way to deal with them is to hide, run away or avoid. We are afraid of speaking up if someone triggers us because we don’t want to “hurt” her. The truth is, it is in the space and it needs to be dealt with. In circle, women learn to respond to their triggers by communicating without blaming or shaming instead of reacting. It is also important that everyone is 100% accountable and responsible for how the circle goes. It is not up to the facilitator to police or mother the group. The facilitator is constantly bringing awareness to the container and guiding the group to “empty out” all that doesn’t serve the intentions from being fullled. We’ll talk about emptying out later in this section.
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ELEMENTS OF THE CIRCLE CONTAINER The container consists of the following six elements:
Agreements Agr eements The agreements are like the “rules” of the circle. They are not there to be restrictive, but to be supportive. They create safety. They give us context in which to relate to one another. It’s important that you create agreements that support your intentions and to get everyone to agree. In Sistership Circle, we have created a ritual for introducing the agreements during the rst circle.
Time boundaries When I rst started leading circles in 2010, we didn’t use a timer. The rst few women to share would take a lot of time. By the time we got to the last two women, time was up. So I started to use a timer and give each woman 3 minutes to share. This is to create equality in the group and honor each woman’s share as important. I make sure that circle starts on time, ends on time, and that I divide up time equally for shares. I ask that the women come early so that when it is time to step into the circle, everyone is ready. I don’t wait if someone is late, otherwise it trains women to come late.
Curriculum I created a week by week curriculum using my book Open Your Heart for Sistership Circle. The women have a playbook, which is supplemental material to aid the women in going deeper and provide questions for the facilitators to ask in the circle. You can make up your own curriculum. Or have questions for discussion on various topics each week. I believe that it is important to have some sort of curriculum to follow.
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Consistency in structure Each week, we start and end the same way, same time. This creates a consistency in which the women can trust and rely. They know what’s coming and they can feel safe and secure in the container.
Physical Space It’s important to meet at the same place every time and to set up an environment that is conducive to discussion. I prefer to sit on cushions on the oor; when we used the couch, women got a little too comfortable and borderline lazy. I always set up an altar in the middle with candles, goddess cards and crystals.
Silence Silence When we enter the circle, we come in silence. We are honoring the sacredness of the container as if we are entering a church. We are in devotion of ourselves, as goddesses. Silence can also be used for us to pause and empty out. Talking, sometimes, can be a distraction from being present.
ELEMENTS OF THE CIRCLE STRUCTURE AKA THE SANDWICH I like to think of a circle meeting as a sandwich. I call our opening and closing rituals the bread of the sandwich and the content in the middle the meat. The bread is always the same. The meat can either be ham, turkey, chicken, pastrami or veggie.
Opening ritual Starting the circle the same every time creates sacredness. It also helps women feel like they are coming to always something like home. It creates safety andreads security. In Sistership Circle, we startfamiliar, seated in meditation as the facilitator our opening invocation and then asks each woman to bring her voice in an activity we call “stitching the circle.” An invocation, from the the Latin verb verb invocare invocare„„ to call on, invoke, to give“. It is a prayer, calling in an energy to the space.
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Clearing/withholds When we enter circle, we are usually carrying energy from our day. We may have just had a ght with a loved one or had a bad day at work. We may be triggered by another circle member or be holding something against the group. Having a space in the structure for each woman to clear anything so she can be fully present helps strengthen the bond of the circle. We use a technology called “Withholds” as a tool for clearing. Group share One of the most potent parts of Sistership Circle is how we give each woman at least 3 minutes to share in front of the group. We go around the circle and no one can “pass.” This is where the magic happens. For the rst time in some of the women’s lives, they are given the opportunity to be truly seen and heard. Women claim their power in our circles because of this activity. The topics change week to week and we make sure that there is no feedback. After a woman shares, we use a tool called “beaming” where the women raise their hands and “beam” love and light to acknowledge that they heard the share. This empowers each woman to speak and nd the answers within because no one is trying to x, coach or give advice.
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After a woman shares, we use a tool called “beaming” where the women raise their hands and “beam” love and light to acknowledge that they heard the share
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Paired share Sometimes we divide up the group into pairs to share in a more intimate way and to develop more individual connections within the circle. We give each woman 1 or 2 minutes to share and then switch. Our secret sauce during the paired shares is to alternate a share with a massage. The healthy touch also creates more bonding by increasing the oxytocin. Movement Instead of taking a “break” and disrupting the ow of energy during the circle, we maintain the energy by standing up and doing guided movement after the group share about midway through the 2 hour circle. At this time, women can one by one go to the bathroom. If the facilitator doesn’t feel comfortable leading movement, we do “follow the leader.” We put on a song and the facilitator calls on a woman. She leads a few simple movements and the rest of the group copies her. She then selects the next woman and so on. Logistics Before we wrap up, we always have 5 minutes for any logistics or announcements.
Closing ritual In closing, we do the same closing ritual that mirrors our opening “stitch” to tie the beginning and end. This involves touch so the group feels physically connected at the end and has everyone leave on a high. hi gh.
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POWER OF RITUAL Rituals are used in circle as part of the structure to make it sacred. A ritual ritual„„ is a sequence of activities involving gestures, words, and objects, performed in a sequestered place, and performed according to set sequence.“ In my book, Open Your Heart , I start the book talking about rituals and to give context to The Four Directions: Every tribe has its rituals. If you look at rituals like football tailgating, Sunday brunch and Thanksgiving dinner, you can see a common theme: bonding. Rituals create culture. They T hey create connection. They become sacred. However, there is something missing in some of the modern day rituals. We are, as a whole, a modern tribe who has lost our connection with the earth earth.. We forgot who Mother Earth is for us. We forgot where home is. We forgot how to draw on the medicines of the land and live in harmony with nature. We are in a unique time right now where we have access to wisdom from ancient cultures and traditions and can integrate them into our modern day experience. It is not too late. We simply need to remember who we ARE. We start this book with a ritual from the Native Americans, “Calling in the Four Directions.” In Sistership Circle, our rituals includes: lighting candles and setting an intention, our Invocation, Stitching, Calling in the Four Directions, and our Closing Circle.
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The problem with rituals is when they become unconscious and routine. It is your job as the facilitator to continue to generate the ritual in a way that brings a goosebump energy into the space. Rituals need to be generated to have power. Don’t run through the motions otherwise the rituals will become meaningless.
Rituals need to be generated to have power. Don’t run through the
Feel the ritual from every cell of your body. If reading something, put yourself in each word: be present to their power. Tap into your body when speaking to become alive and magnetic. Feel your passion and power.
motions otherwise the rituals will become meaningless
Are you speaking from passion, purpose and knowing? Are you embodying your words? Are your words connected? Or are you cut o from the neck up? Claim your power: no more apologies or worrying about what others think.
Embody the High Priestess when performing ritual ... Allow yourself to be a clear channel for spirit to come through Keep the space clear Keep your heart open and bursting Every word that comes out of your mouth is coming from the heart (LOVE)
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EMPTYING OUT One of the best books written on creating community is A is A Dierent Drum by Drum by M. Scott Peck. In it, he describes the group process of emptying out as the pathway to creating real and authentic community. Circle is about women stripping o the masks to reveal their true selves so this process is extremely helpful to understand when leading your circle. Here are the ve things a group must clear, empty out or let go of in circle: When the members of a group nally ask me to explain what I mean by emptiness,, I tell them simply that they need to empty themselves of barriers emptiness to communication. And I am able to use their behavior during chaos to point out to them specic things— feelings, assumptions, ideas, and motives— that have so lled their minds as to make them impervious as billiard balls. The process of emptying themselves of these barriers is the key to the transition from “rugged” to “soft” individualism. The most common (and interrelated) barriers to communication that people need to empty themselves of before they can enter genuine community are: Expectations and Preconceptions. Preconceptions. Community-building is an adventure, a going into the unknown. People are routinely terried of the emptiness of the unknown. Consequently they ll their minds with generally false expectations of what the experience will be like. In fact, we humans seldom go into any situation without preconceptions. We then try to make the experience conform to our expectations. Prejudices. One is the judgments we make about people without any experience of them whatsoever other is judgments we make about people on the basis of very brief, limitedthe experience. Ideology, Theology, and Solutions. Solutions. Obviously we cannot move very far toward community with our fellow human beings when we are thinking and feeling, She clearly has no appreciation of Christian doctrine; she has a long way to go before she will be saved like me. Or else, Well, it’s clear he’s a
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Republican businessman hawk. I hope there’ll be someone here worth relating to. It is not only such ideological and theological rigidities that we need to discard, it is any idea that assumes the status of “the one and only right way.” The Need to Heal, Convert, Fix, or Solve. During Solve. During the stage of chaos, when the members of a group attempt to heal or convert each other, they believe they are being loving. And they are truly surprised by the chaos that results. After all, isn’t it the loving thing to do to relieve your neighbor of her suering or help him to see the light? Actually, however, almost all these attempts to convert and heal are not only naïve and ineective but quite self-centered and self-serving. It hurts me when my friend is in pain. If I can do something to get rid of this pain I will feel better. My most basic motive when I strive to heal is to feel good myself. The Need to Control. This Control. This barrier to community is my own prime bugaboo. As the designated leader of a workshop I am supposed to see to it that the group does not get out of control— that it comes to no harm. Furthermore, even thoughthan I have told the member group that memberofisthe no group, more and no less responsible any other foreach the success I don’t really feel that way in my heart. If the workshop fails, I feel, I’m the one who is going to look bad. Peck, M. Scott (2010-05-11). The Dierent Dier ent Drum: Community Making and Peace (pp. 95-103). Touchstone. Kindle Edition.
Which of the barriers is most dicult for you to empty out?
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Prncpl 3:
Lead by example example to Create Safe, Sacred Space and Go Deep I was in a workshop once where the leader asked all the women in the room to raise their hand if they felt their safety was in jeopardy during the past 24 hours. Most of the hands went up. She asked the men in the room the same question and only a few raised their hand. This makes sense if you think about our history. Even going back to being cavewomen, we didn’t leave the cave in fear of being eaten by the saber tooth tiger. Men, on the other hand, were big and strong and could defend themselves (and us). It takes more reassurance for us to feel safe and to trust. We wait for our cue before we open up. It’s too risky to put ourselves out there rst. This is why, as a facilitator, if you want your circle to go deeper and have the women be authentic auth entic and vulnerable, you have to go rst and lead by example. You must be willing to lead the group to the deep end of the pool and be the rst to dive in, showing the others that it is safe to jump in with you.
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You must be willing to lead the group to the deep end of the pool and be the first to dive in, showing the others that it is safe to jump in with you
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For women to feel safe, they need to feel connected. For women to feel connected, they need to share and listen. For women to share and listen, they need to have permission. They get permission from guidelines and agreements and by following your lead.
AGREEMENTS It is important that you create agreements for your circle so that everyone has a reference point of how to relate to one another. Being on time is a very important agreement. It comes from mutual respect for one another’s time. If you start late, you may end late. Keeping with the time shows each woman that her time is valuable.
Your agreements are there to support the connection amongst the women in the circle
Keeping with the time shows each woman that her time is valuable
Another important agreement is around feedback. For the rst 6 weeks of Sistership Circle, there is no feedback; only beaming. This helps create a safe space for women to open up and share without worrying about what anyone may think. Your agreements are there to support the connection amongst the women in the circle.
You are not exempt from the agreements. In fact, it is up to you to model what it looks like to be in integrity with the agreements. Every meeting, go through the agreements and see if there are any that you are personally not adhering to. Then see if anyone in the group is stepping over the agreements. Presencing those agreements at the beginning of circle is a great way to start the clearing process.
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BEING THE EXAMPLE When I lead circle, I always start the shares. Whoever shares rst sets the tone. If the rst share is deep and vulnerable, the rest will follow. If you show up for circle in a bad mood, be authentic about it. Clear it. For example: “I want to clear that I’ve had a bad day today and I’m feeling sad and disconnected. I’m nervous about leading circle from this place because I don’t want to let all of you down. So I am letting you know where I am at in case I start to cry for no reason.” You don’t have to go into the story. They don’t need to know the details because they are not relevant; what matters is how you are feeling and what fears you have that you want to clear. The fears are not real. Only love is real. Speak the fears and allow yourself to get back to love. To lead the circle to the deep end of the pool: I have to be authentic My access to authenticity is through vulnerability The more vulnerable I am, the deeper I can personally go, and I am creating a deeper space for women to play in with me
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Vulnerability has a dierent edge for everyone. To push your edge and become more vulnerable: Be aware of your own mind and ego The better you get at clearing, the more you can push your edge of vulnerability Constantly take responsibility of how you are impacting both the individuals and the group Put yourself out there by calling yourself out Share the part of yourself that you are ashamed of. Shame cannot live in the light.
What’s your edge?
How to share vulnerably without dumping while while holding holding space: Own it as yours with no blame or projection Process through without needing support; it’s just a share not a coaching session Come from the heart Share how you FEEL with acceptance of those feelings
Don’t apologize for tears or expressed emotions
What is holding space? Holding space means when someone is going through something, you hold down the ground for them to have their own time and space to work out whatever they’re going through.
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Holding space means when someone is going through something, you hold down the ground for them to have their own time and space to work out whatever they’re going through.
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Also holding space for what’s in the highest good for the GROUP. You provide stable, solid ground for them to be completely where they’re at, without judgment, criticism or blame. A neutral territory for the other to just... just ... be. You have faith in their intelligence to gure it out on their own. The main components are: 1. Letting go of judgment 2. Opening your heart 3. Allowing another to have whatever experience she’s having; giving her “space” to talk about her pain without trying to x it 4. Giving your complete undivided attention to the situation/other person and being fully present. 5. Dropping down from your mind space into your heart space. 6. Emptying yourself and becoming a vessel for something larger than you 7. Allowing a situation to unfold; allowing circle to do its magic 8. Trusting that everyone can heal themselves 9. Less is more To hold space, you must have constant awareness of what you are saying in your head and emptying it. Hold space for the intentions for the program (deepening into who you are as a woman, relationship with other women, and your feminine leadership) and each meeting to be realized without forcing them.
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Commitment vs. Attachment -
committed to an outcome without forcing it
Have an agenda for each meeting and yet be open and receptive to what might be needed that is o the agenda but in alignment with the intentions. ** Be mindful of how you “bend” the structure and maintain integrity of agreements. For example, if you are running over time, never keep going without stopping at the end time, asking the group permission for more time and giving people the option to leave if they have another obligation.
What are you committed to in leading your circle?
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Prncpl 4:
Invite Women Into Women Into Co-Creative Co-Crea tive Leadersh Leadership ip As a facilitator, it is your job to enroll the women in the circle to take full ownership of the circle. It’s not your your circle circle but our our circle. circle. Power is organized eort. For your circle to be powerful where women walk away transformed into feminine leaders and connected with one another in a way that expands beyond the scope of the circle itself, the group has to work together as a whole. Co-creative leadership is the concept that each woman is a spoke on the wheel. The spokes spokes are all equally equally important. Each woman has her unique gifts and talents to bring to the group. Each woman is a contribution. We don’t have to do it all; we can focus on our strengths and allow others to bring their strengths so together we are stronger and more powerful. I burned out as a leader when I tried to do it all. I didn’t trust anyone could do it as well as I could. I became resentful that I was giving my all and wasn’t being appreciated or valued. The truth was, I wasn’t allowing anyone to contribute to me. So I got stuck in the pattern of doing everything before anyone else could even have a chance to contribute.
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We don’t have to do it all; we can focus on our strengths and allow others to bring their strengths together weso are stronger and more powerful
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When we introduced co-creative leadership, I struggled to let go of control. Like M. Scott Peck said, this was the biggest thing I had to empty out. The more I let go, the more the women stepped into their power and received more value from the circle. First, identify your core strengths so you can focus on those aspects of yourself instead of trying to be everything to everyone all the time.
Exercise from the Open Your Heart Playbook It is required that humanity makes a transition from ME to WE. In a culture dominated by independence and individuality, we are rarely taught how to have healthy, functional relationships within tribe. We default to competition instead of collaboration.
This is an opportunity to open your heart and mind to a
This is an opportunity to open your heart and mind to a new paradigm of co-creative leadership, collaboration, and cooperation.
new paradigm of co-creative leadership, collaboration, and cooperation
Remember, each woman makes up the circle and it is important for everyone to own their value and worth in the circle. You matter. They matter. Your gifts matter. Their gifts matter. Get present to what you what you have have to contribute to the wheel of co-creative leadership and be the example for the women to follow your lead.
What are your innate gifts and abilities?
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What are your natural and developed talents?
What are you passionate about?
What are your strengths?
What does it look like to have women take ownership? Set the intention intention Get clear from the beginning when you are starting your circle that the women will co-create the circle with you and everyone will embody their own leadership.
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Get agreement Let the women know what it looks like to co-create the circle with you and step into their leadership. Ask for their ideas and input. Let them be responsible for their participation Sometimes as leaders, we think we are responsible for everyone. We become martyrs and want to save others. Ask the women in your circle to take 100% responsibility for their participation. If they want value, it’s up to them. You are simply holding the space; you don’t need to do anything for anyone.
Create a buddy system I started doing this after leading a few circles and it’s amazing how it bonded the group even more than before. before. Now the women are aware of other woman as unique individuals in the circle instead of just connecting to the large group. This is also why I do paired shares; so the women are related to the individuals and the group. Don’t step over anything and also have them hold each other accountable My favorite story is about a woman who texted our circle telling us that she couldn’t make it. I asked her to come to the circle anyway. She said she was on the oor of her kitchen crying. I asked her what she needed. She said she didn’t have enough money to get gas in her car. I oered to pay. Suddenly the entire circle was texting that they would pay or go 30 minutes out of their way to pick her up. She showed up in her pajamas. We put her in the middle and hugged her. She said it was a breakthrough moment for her having us stand for her. The easy way out would be to say “Oh, we’ll miss you!” and step over what was really going on. It’s up to you to set the tone that we don’t listen to someone’s stories or excuses or resistance; we listen to their greatness and how the power of our circle will heal and give them exactly what they need.
Assign account accountabilities abilities Ask someone to be the time keeper. Assign everyone to bring potluck dishes. Make someone admin of your Facebook Group. Whenever there is some request or action, ask who’d like to be in charge of it.
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Give women the opportunity to lead or co-lead In Sistership Circle, women get to co-lead some of our meetings together. Ask women to step up and lead the movement or the opening meditation. Ask women to nd a partner and create an exercise for the group. Ask for support support Just because you are the leader, doesn’t mean you have to set up or clean up. Ask the women to help you. If you are having a breakdown, be vulnerable and ask the circle to support you. Remember, you are facilitating by being the example.
Get feedback What worked? What didn’t work? Ask the circle to review your performance as a leader. We have feedback forms for week 3, 9 and 12.
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Prncpl 5:
Listen For Their Brilliance Listening is the most important distinction for facilitating circle. How we listen. What we listen for. When to speak and when to listen. To lead you don’t need to talk all the time. You can lead eectively by just listening for the intention to be realized. Your presence is more important than what you say.
You can ca n lead le ad effectively by just listening for the intention to be realized
Less is more. You more. You don’t need to put a bunch of questions on the table. Pick one. Allow for women to go deeper. And allow for uidity in the space. One reason you may want to talk more than you should is that you may be afraid of silence and dead space so you ll it. It’s actually in these moments that truth arises. Give the women space to come alive to their truth and to take ownership of their circle. I’ve found that the more I let them talk, the better the circle becomes. The best way to listen is to have PRESENCE like a buddha. This may sound very challenging: try not to move! Sit in a meditative crossed legged position with your back straight. Place your hands in your lap. The more still you are, the more present you can be to your body sensations and be able to read whoever is speaking. You can also pick up on the energy in the room in your stillness. Put away distractions. Try not to dget or play with anything. If this is dicult, try breathing slowing and focus on taking deep breaths.
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When someone is speaking, maintain eye contact with her. This will show her that what she has to say matters to you. It will encourage her to open up because she has a captive, attentive audience. You may be the only one in the circle to give her eye contact and that’s ne. At least someone is modeling what it looks like to truly have someone feel heard. Don’t disrupt the ow of someone speaking. Try not to even nod your head in agreement. Don’t validate what they are saying through your facial reactions. Just sit quietly and patiently for her to nish. Tone down your commentary. It’s unnecessary and will encourage cross talk, which you don’t want because it prevents the group from going deeper into themselves.
Are you present? Which areas do you need to work on to become more present as a facilitator?
Here are two listening tools that I have developed within myself over time and have served me well as a facilitator:
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LISTENING TOOL: RECREATION Recreation is when you parrot back to someone exactly what they said so they feel understood. Here are the steps: 1. Someone completes their thought. 2. Your response: “This is what I heard you say …” 3. Give them a word for word account without paraphrasing, interpretations, assumptions, judgments, lters, additions and subtractions. 4. Check in to make sure you properly recreated what they said. “Is that correct? Anything I left out?” This can be helpful when someone looks like they are struggling for words or the group looks confused. 1. Not articulating clearly. 2. Recreate what she said and ask if you can support her in clarifying what she really wants to communicate. 3. Help her be more concrete than vague so group isn’t wondering what she means.
LISTENING TOOL: LISTEN TO THEIR BODY LANGUAGE 80% of what someone says comes from their t heir tone and body language; only onl y 20% is the words they use. Watch someone and notice if her arms are crossed, her eyes are darting, or anything else that looks “o.” Also, pay attention to the body language of the entire group. Are they yawning? Do they look like they are checking out? Does anyone look upset?
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One thing I listen for is SUPPORT. SUPPORT. What I mean by that is that many women have a hard time asking for what they need. They hint at it but don’t make direct requests. If I can pick up on someone’s desire for support and she’s not making a direct request to the group for what she wants/needs, I teach the circle about SMART requests: Make it SMART pecic S M easurable easurable Actionable Realistic T ime ime
For example: I need a babysitter on Saturday from 10-11am. Is anyone available to help me?
WHAT ELSE AM I LISTENING FOR? Listening is not just hearing what someone is saying. This is a very valuable skill and also there is another aspect of listening that is very important for facilitating circle and that is WHAT you are listening FOR. When we are listening for something, we are using the power of intention. There are 5 things I listen for when I’m facilitating circle:
Her Greatness and Brilliance Listen for the intention that everyone in the circle is getting exactly what she needs, she’s got all the power within her and she can heal herself. Listen from an empowered place instead of judgment. She’s whole, complete and perfect. You are not listening from “she’s broken so I need to x her, h er, help her or save her.”
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Listen from an empowered place instead of judgment
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When I’m listening for her greatness, I’m trusting the universe; uni verse; everyone is in the perfect place in her journey in the perfect circle. It’s all divinely orchestrated. She’s got this. Don’t rush her.
Intentions of circle to be realized I set an intention and it is always in my mind’s eye. When I am listening for the intention to be realized, I let go of forcing my agenda of how I think they should get there.
Transformation Sometimes, we get frustrated when we think someone “can’t get it.” We lose condence in her. When listening for someone’s transformation, I let go and empty out my judgments and doubts about her capability to have a breakthrough. Instead, I listen for the breakthrough to happen for her in her perfect divine timing. If I get attached to her transformation, then the saying goes, “What you resist persists” so I have to let go and just be committed.
Connection Circle is about connection. Getting that we are all connected. I listen for love and anity being present in the group. I create the space through my listening for women to share triggers and pain that allows for deeper connection instead of disconnection. I ask myself: Where am I feeling disconnected? Where am I triggered? How can I let that go?
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I also keep reminding myself that there is no separation between you and me and challenge myself to own that part of myself that I’m judging as a part of you.
What is needed in the space right NOW? I’m constantly listening for what the group needs. I use my senses, watch and observe, monitor myself, trust intuition, and tap into the energy of the room. I ask: Is something o that I feel in my body? Is there an elephant in the room? Listening for something takes practice. I play a game with myself to develop this skill by holding myself back from saying something that I feel needs to be said and listening for someone else to say it. It’s amazing how every time, someone speaks exactly what I wanted to say. I’ve learned to trust the power of listening and the magic of circle from this game.
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Prncpl 6:
Lead From Your Intuition (You Know What To Do) If you have been called to lead circle, chances are, it’s a soul calling. Perhaps you were a high priestess in a past life. It is in our DNA. It is part of who we are as women. You already know how to lead circle. Trust your intuition. Trust your gut. Listen to your higher self’s voice as it guides you. Check in with your body.
You already a lready know kn ow how to lead circle. Trust your intuition
Sometimes, you need to stop thinking about what you are going to do and what you are going to say and allow yourself to be in the present moment and respond to what comes up. If you are present in your body, you can tune into what your own desires and needs are in the moment and see if the group is also having that same feeling arising in them. You’ll start to hear this and see how things are resonating when you trust your feelings and intuition in the circle.
There is little planning needed except your intention, your theme, and your consistent structural elements. The rest should just naturally ow. * Breathe. Relax. Breathe. Relax. The women know you and love you. You are safe and supported to lead in this circle. There are no mistakes, no right or wrong way to lead. Whatever happens is perfect. * Pay attention to the energy in the room. Does room. Does anyone look like they th ey are checking out? Does anyone need anything? You are free to check in with the group if you feel something is o.
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* Feel the sensations in your body. body. Trust that the tension in your body is telling you something. Constriction of the throat. Stomachache. Headache. How to deal with the physical sensations in your body: 1. Breathe and relax instead of react 2. Ask yourself: a. What is this feeling coming up? b. Is there judgment I need to let go of? c. How can I allow myself to come back to an expanded state in my body? 3. Is this physical sensation an alert for integrity integrity?? 4. What is the group feeling right now? Responsibility = Ability to Respond (vs. React)
Questions to ask yourself: What is my intuition telling me that would be a response instead of a reaction? What’s best going to serve the group’s intention? What’s the best way to hold space? What will support the group process? What is the impact of each side of the decision I have to make? Is the individual sucking energy or supporting the energy? * Set boundaries upfront. Women upfront. Women have a tendency to talk a lot. Tell the group they have limited time for their shares and use a timer. Most of the time, we can say what we want to say in less time when we get to the point. Use your intuition when cutting someone o. Will it serve the group for her to keep going? Or is it draining the group?
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Prncpl 7:
Give AND Receive The last thing you want to do as a facilitator is leave circle feeling burned out. This is a sign that you are overgiving and defeats the purpose of circle. When you lead, you want to get lled up and leave more energized than when you came in. As a facilitator, it is important that you also come into the circle as an equal participant. You have an intention for your own growth and expansion in the circle. You are coming for a reason and that is to receive love, support and contribution from your sisters. You are in the circle to receive as well as to give. There is a distinction I want to make here: there is a dierence between receiving and taking. Taking is coming from scarcity, lack, fear, and “I’m not enough.” It is asking “What am I going to get?” It can have a heavy, draining energy on others. others. When you take, you deplete the energy of the group and deplete your own energy.
There is a difference between receiving and taking
When you are taking, you are trying to assert yourself in getting what you want from the circle as opposed to when you are receiving, you are in trust and surrender that you will get what you need from the circle because the universe is always giving you exactly what you need and you are always taken care of. Receiving is a ow; it is the same thing as giving. When I ask for support and someone shows up for me, they are giving their time and energy. In return, they are receiving something for their contribution when they are willing and excited.
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To hold space is to be of seless service; serving the intentions of the group in trust that you will get what you need from this place of giving. The sacricing martyr is not in service! You are not serving yourself, and since we are all connected, not serving yourself is not serving the whole. This is not something that comes easy. It is a practice. You are always learning how to embody receptivity as a STUDENT. So breathe, relax and be easy on yourself.
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Puttn al togthr We’ve gone over the masculine and feminine aspects of circle. Now it’s time to integrate everything. If you are currently leading your own circle, you can implement the principles into what you are already doing. Remember, this is coming from my own experience so take what resonates and will add to what you are already doing. If you are not currently leading a circle and you are reading this because you’ve felt called to start one, it may be easier for you to apply to become a Sistership Circle Facilitator,, using our proven curriculum and structure. Facilitator If you are ready to create your own, here’s a checklist to bring it all together. What is the name of your circle? What is your intention?
When does your circle meet? Weekly, Every other week, Monthly Mont hly How long are your circle meetings? What’s the duration of your circle? How many women can be in your circle?
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Do you have a curriculum?
What are your topics?
What are your rituals?
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What are your agreements?
How can the women be in co-creation with you?
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Flln Your Crcl I believe that you already know how to lead circle. It’s just a matter of learning how to trust your intuition as I shared earlier. And so your rite of passage to becoming a facilitator is to ll it . There is something magical that happens when you make a commitment to start the circle. There is a moment during the process of gathering the women when you really get that you are 100% responsible and you will make this happen; the circle will start because you said so. And in that moment, you embody your leadership and you are ready to lead the circle. Being a successful facilitator takes experience. Your wisdom does not come from this workbook, it comes when you are in the circle leading the women and you start to distinguish the little things that you’ll need to do the next time to make the experience that much richer and deeper for the women. Anyone can sit in the facilitator seat in the circle with a script and lead. It’s the true leader who can fll it. She’s it. She’s the one who continually does the work on herself, has demonstrated her courage and strength to keep going no matter what, to honor her commitment to herself to make this happen, and to conspire with the universe in a co-creative dance to fulll her desire to lead circle.
To lead a circle is a sacred act
To lead a circle is a sacred act. It is not something we should take lightly. It is something we earn in our devotion to the process and our gaining of respect from the women who have said yes.
You will get everything you need to lead the circle in your process of lling it. You will get your power, your strength, your patience, your listening, your connection and your wisdom. You will call in the soul sisters who you are meant to lead. And you will have a relationship with the divine that will empower you during the ebbs and ows of the life of the circle.
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The truth is, when you are leading a circle experience for an extended period, you will get women who check out, get triggered and may even want to leave. When you are in the process of lling the circle, you are getting the medicine you need to support the women in the circle to stay engaged and complete the time together. This is the juice. This is what you are here for. In the process of lling the circle, you’ll receive no’s, you’ll be tested, you’ll want to give up yourself, and overcoming all of this adversity will make you the strong oak tree in circle that will hold the container and prevent it from collapsing.
The energetics of filling a circle We rarely hear about the energetics of sales and marketing, or what I call enrollment and registration in the process of lling a circle. We get step by step guides and scripts and templates to attract potential buyers and build a funnel of people who may be interested. In the Mastery of Circle Leadership program, program, we’ll be talking about some of those marketing secrets as well as how to have eective enrollment and registration conversations. But none of that matters when you don’t understand the energetics of this process. This is the heart of our program program.. And because I believe circle is a very sacred experience, where women are being drawn in on a soul level, the energetics are even more important. Your energy is everything when it comes to the process of lling the circle. How you clear your energy and channel your energy will make or break the circle. You must continue to monitor your energy and make sure it is clean, clear and light. Your energy must attract, not repel, your soul sisters. Your energy must be magnetic. It must be authentic. As soon as someone feels something is o, they will say no. Your job, above anything else, is to keep clearing out all of your concerns, limited beliefs
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and projections so you are constantly being authentic and in alignment with the intentions of circle. This is the part where you are doing your own work. It’s what calls in the right people and creates the glue for the circle. The true leader has done her work and will continue to do her work. She is constantly looking within herself to nd where she is responsible, accountable accountable and in integrity. She is constantly looking at her inner judgments, concerns and limited beliefs. She is constantly reminding herself that she is the creator of her world, she is the creator of the circle and everything around her is a reection of herself. This is true responsibility. You get that you are responsible for ALL of it. No blame, no excuses, no projections. This is your power. You are one with the source. You are the source. The divine is within you. This is co-creative leadership. The Mastery of Circle Leadership program focuses program focuses on the energetics of lling a circle and its subtleties. You will become skilled at “emptying out” all of your judgments, concerns, limited beliefs and need to control. You will also become skilled at taking inspired action despite the fear that comes up. You will become more visible in your community and gain credibility as a leader. One of the best things about this program is that you get to be in a circle of leaders who are also building their circles in other parts of the world. You get to be part of something bigger and help lead l ead a movement. If this is calling to you, you can apply here. I close this eBook blessing you and the work you are doing. Thank you for following your heart and taking a stand for women’s leadership in the world.
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bou
the author the author Tanya Lynn is Lynn is an internationally renowned leader in the women’s empowerment movement. She is the CEO of Sistership Circle International, an organization that provides training programs and support for women to facilitate women’s circles. In her own lifelong search for truth and freedom from China to New York City, Tanya has learned how to walk her talk and teaches the power of vulnerability and authenticity. She is known for being a community builder and empowering leadership in others. In her best-selling book Open Your Heart: How to be a book New Generation Feminine Leader, Leader, she gives women permission to be real and rise up to their full potential. Tanya has been facilitating, coaching and leading groups of people since 2006. She loves training women to step into their feminine leadership. She also brings women on pilgrimages to sacred places around the world such as Peru, Sedona and next on the list, Bali. Her most recent passion is in raising her own little new generation feminine leader, Kali, and teaching other mompreneurs how to balance motherhood and business. You can learn more at http://sistershipcircle. com and com and http://tanyapaluso.com http://tanyapaluso.com.. name surname © Copyright 2014
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