Law of Compounding Pleasure lenguage of lust

Language Of Lust Mastery The Law of Compounding Pleasure

by Lawrence Lanoff

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The Law of Compounding Pleasure

The Law of Compounding Pleasure

"I love spending time with my friends and family. The simplest things in life give me the most pleasure: cooking and eating a good meal, enjoying my friends. Fucking." –The Tantra Rebel

Consider the words of Nadine Stair of Louisville, Kentucky, who was 85 years old when she wrote, "If I Had My Life to Live Over . . . I'd dare to make more mistakes next time. I'd relax. I would limber up. I would be sillier than I have been this trip. I would take fewer things seriously. I would take more chances. I would climb more mountains and swim more rivers. I would eat more ice cream and less beans. I would perhaps have more actual troubles, but I'd have fewer imaginary ones. . . . I've been one of those persons who never goes anywhere without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a raincoat, and a parachute. If I had to do it again, I would travel lighter than I have.” Learning how to savor pleasure is a skill that must be taught, because, in general, our brains are more likely to focus on the negative rather than the positive. Most of us have grown up in homes where focusing on pleasure is a nono. As a result, we keep ourselves in check, by staying vigilantly suspicious of our pleasurable desires. These beliefs about pleasure get programmed in various ways: I have a client who remembers her mom smacking her for touching her genitals when she was very little. She was told she was bad and that she should never touch herself down there. As a result, she went through life experiencing a lot of anxiety about self-pleasuring and didn’t have her first orgasm until she was in her late 20s. I have another client who was never taught anything about sex. It was an off-limits subject in his household. (Don't even get me started on this!)

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The Law of Compounding Pleasure

He hit puberty knowing absolutely nothing about male anatomy. He started getting erections and one day jerked off until he had his first ejaculation and was horrified when liquid spewed out. He was convinced that something had gone wrong and that he had done some serious damage to his dick. He believed he would never be able to use it for pleasure again. That god was punishing him for touching himself. He didn’t touch himself for a year after that. Not until he built up the courage to talk to a friend and found out that ejaculation was a completely normal part of the process. That is fucked up! Learning how to be ok with pleasure and feeling good about sex is a skill that must be taught and must be developed over the course of your entire life. And because most of us grew up in homes where focusing on pleasure and feeling good was labeled "corrupt." In fact when I was looking for a quote to open this section, I was shocked by the number of quotes that considered pleasure a waste of time. You show me somebody who believes pleasure is a waste of time, and I'll show you somebody who isn't getting laid well. Society teaches you to focus on pain, because society believes that focusing on pain will help you avoid it. Society also teaches you that focusing on pleasure can only lead you down a hedonistic path of self-destruction. Your parents probably taught you not to trust feeling good in your body because they themselves had a lot of fear and shame around sex. They taught you to be ashamed or scared of your most basic desire – to move sexual desire and sexual energy through your body.

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The Law of Compounding Pleasure

What this has translated into is that you cannot trust following what feels natural and what feels good. As a result, you keep yourself in check, by staying vigilantly suspicious of your most basic human desires. These beliefs about pleasure get programmed in various ways: The mixed messages you have gotten about pleasure and sexuality in our society are many. It’s no wonder you have a hard time focusing on the positive and embracing what feels good. You have been taught that pleasurable things happen only in private and should remain a secret part of your life. Therefore, you get to remain ignorant and in the dark about your authentic sexual desires and those of others. It’s not your fault that you are confused and unsure about how to please a woman! Society has kept us all in the dark! You have been taught all kinds of fundamental things about life. How to brush your teeth, tie your shoes, eat with utensils, be social, but no one has ever taught you such a basic function of life as how to own your own sexuality and how to satisfy women. That is why I feel so passionately about getting this information out to YOU. And then have you take it to your lovers and friends. Someone has to be a pioneer and remove the stigma and mystery about feeling good in your own body! (Check out my YouTube video on the opposite of pleasure.) Both of the clients I described to you earlier, because of what they learned as kids, grew up with major restrictions on how good they were allowed to feel in their bodies. They had what I like to call “low-pleasure tolerance.” Or even fear of pleasure. Some examples of low-pleasure tolerance are: neglecting your emotional needs, worrying excessively, pushing yourself too hard, working mostly to please others, being stingy with granting yourself timeout for recreational activities like going out to a movie or meeting a friend for coffee, or

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The Law of Compounding Pleasure

feeling uneasy when things are going too well, waiting for impending doom to descend. It can also manifest as withholding love from oneself as well as from others. Because of your inherent suspicion of pleasure it can make it hard to sustain good feelings, causing you to resist them instead. Take a minute to write down three messages you received about pleasure growing up from one of your primary caregivers – your mom, your dad, a babysitter, a close relative, a pastor or an influential religious person in your life. This is an uncomfortable exercise so I want you to do this right now! Family Message #1 ̶

Family Message #2 ̶

Family Message #3 ̶

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The Law of Compounding Pleasure

Question: How might those messages be affecting your behavior today? Because you have put limitations on the amount of pleasure you are able to experience at any given time, the first step in learning how to compound pleasure is to recognize the way pleasure-resistance expresses itself in your own life. Pleasure-resistance can show up in a number of ways, but here are a few examples of how it may appear: 1. Suddenly becoming too tired to have sex with your partner 2. Using working late as an excuse to not engage with your partner 3. Creating obstacles/problems that make pleasure unattainable 4. Picking fights 5. Pretending to be hurt 6. Overly identifying as a victim 7. Focusing on the negative 8. Believing you don’t have the time to do things that would be pleasurable. Keep in mind that all of these can be happening completely subconsciously. You may physically get tired because on a subconscious level you want to avoid doing something that will feel good. The next time this happens ask yourself this question: Am I really tired or is this actually my way of subconsciously resisting what I know would feel good? The more you become consciously aware of these patterns, the easier it will be for you to break them. As you break these patterns, you can learn to be positively motivated instead of negatively motivated. What I mean by being positively motivated versus negatively motivated is that a lot of us spend our lives being motivated by fear of punishment from God, karma, the universe, our parents, our husband, our wife, etc., and we

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The Law of Compounding Pleasure

live our lives focusing on making decisions that will help us avoid punishment rather than focusing on making decisions based on what would bring us the most joy or pleasure. You have grown to fear intensely pleasurable experiences because you believe they will cause you to lose restraint and become completely out of control, thereby, making the big mistakes that you are trying so hard to avoid. This is why a lot of sex happens when people are drunk. It’s only through alcohol that people are able to silence this low-pleasure tolerance voice in their head and do what they know is natural and feels good. I have worked with clients who, when they first start opening themselves up to the expansiveness of being OK with their authentic sexuality and feeling unapologetically good in their bodies, they can only tolerate it for a small amount of time before they are flooded with a feeling of dread. They have become so used to the familiar nagging pain of resisting feeling good about their sexual energy that this unfamiliar experience of expanding sexual energy seems threatening and dangerous. This may seem contradictory, but one of the methods I use to teach people to expand pleasure is to stop focusing on orgasming. One of the ways we avoid experiencing pleasure with our partner is by being goal-oriented during sex instead of experience-oriented. Take, for instance, two scuba divers. We’ll call them Joe and Lisa. Neither has ever seen an octopus on a dive, but both are obsessed with seeing one of these beautiful, intelligent, and shy creatures. They both go on a dive where they believe they will have a good chance of spotting one. Joe decides that if he doesn’t see an octopus the whole dive will have been a complete waste of time, whereas Lisa decides to enjoy herself no matter what. As they float along, Lisa takes in the coral reef, scorpion fish, marble rays, and the colorful arrays of neon blue, green, and pink fish swimming by. Whereas, Joe notices none of these things. His head just darts about looking for that elusive octopus, completely oblivious to anything else. After the dive ends, all Joe does is complain about not seeing an octopus, whereas, Lisa still had a wonderful time and is elated by all the beauty that lives under the sea. Joe could have chosen to focus on the beauty right

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before his eyes, but he chose to be distracted by what he hoped the future held for him – a glimpse of an octopus. The same is true for sex. When you become fixated on the finish line of orgasm you’re thinking into the future and missing out on the pleasure of the present moment. Whether or not you achieve the finish line, the orgasm, then colors your whole experience. If I find myself getting too concerned about my girlfriend orgasming during sex, I always try to bring myself back to what it is I am enjoying in the present moment. The feel of her body against mine, the way she smells, the sounds she is making, feeling the deep love and emotional connection we share, etc. When I do this everything just seems to flow, and orgasm actually becomes more easily accessible, because everyone is relaxed and focusing on the experience of pleasure rather than any specific outcome. I don’t want you to have to wait for a near death experience to suddenly wake up and recognize all the things you have to be grateful for in life or grow old and look back and wish you had let yourself be happier. Many people come up with “imaginary troubles” to worry about, believing that by identifying every worst-case scenario, they are somehow preventing bad things from happening. They spend too much energy trying to avoid making mistakes instead of focusing on what feels good. Have you ever wondered what life would be like if you weren’t so worried about screwing things up and you took more chances instead? Who would you be if you spent the same amount of mental energy replaying the good things that happened and instead replaying the bad things? What would life be like if you took the time to imagine every wonderful detail and savored your success instead of torturing yourself with your failures? I am challenging you to make savoring the positive things in life a conscious decision. This may feel difficult and unnatural at first, but as you strengthen this muscle, it gets easier and will eventually not even take

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The Law of Compounding Pleasure

conscious effort. You will begin defaulting to savoring the positive and even finding the positives in what seem like completely negative situations. Here are a few specific exercises that can help you savor positive experiences: 1. Take time to immerse yourself in the pleasure of ordinary activities. I do this a lot when I am driving. Instead of focusing on the agony of being stuck in traffic, I use that time to appreciate and savor the natural beauty all around me: the mountains in the distance, the blue sky, the tall palm trees blowing in the wind, etc. I guarantee that no matter where you live there is something you can find in your surroundings that will give you an opportunity to savor nature’s beauty, even if it is simply a daisy growing up from a crack in the sidewalk. You can do this when you are walking, too. One day I stopped at a rest stop to take a pee break during a long drive and was on my way to rush back to my car and continue on to my destination when I decided to take a detour and walk up to a vista point not far away. As I was walking, I decided to expand my sensory experience by heightening my senses using conscious awareness. I took a deep breath in and the fragrance of eucalyptus trees mixed with a salty sea breeze hit my nostrils. I had been completely oblivious to their scent until that moment. I was a little shocked at the fact that I hadn’t noticed it before. Next, I turned my attention to feeling the breeze on my skin. How it gently caressed my face and blew down the back of my jacket making me shiver a little. I walked slowly, drinking in all of my surroundings as I made my way to the vista point railing. The sun was setting, the seagulls were flying overhead, and the sound of the waves crashing was reverberating in my ears. I took a moment to notice the flood of gratitude and appreciation for the natural beauty of the state of California, the lifestyle that afforded me the ability to travel and be my own boss, and the family that I would be visiting in San Diego. Life really is beautiful. Another way you can do this exercise is to take time to relish taking a shower. Taking a shower tends to be the time where we do a lot of strategizing about the day, list-making, etc. Next time you are showering, see if you can expand your sensory experience by using your conscious

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The Law of Compounding Pleasure

awareness of pleasure. Really take in the feeling of the hot water against your skin, the smell of shampoo and soap, the sound of the water pouring from the shower head. Let your mind and body relax as you use this as an opportunity to relish being in the moment and capitalizing on the pleasure of what you are experiencing. Later, linger over your morning coffee or pastry instead of just chugging or devouring it. Eating can provide excellent opportunities to really take pleasure in the moment. Think about some of the ordinary things you blow through during a day and which ones you would like to capitalize on by expanding your conscious awareness of pleasure during these typically mundane activities. Be creative and think of what would be fun for you to practice the exercise with. 2. All pleasurable experiences can be heightened by the presence of another person. Make it a point to reminisce with those you love about pleasurable times you have spent with them. Whether it was a great camping trip, gorgeous hike, incredible dinner, or night spent making love, reminiscing about these events has been shown to increase joy, contentment, pride, and amusement for those sharing the memories. 3. Make a list of your top 5 most pleasurable life events. Now choose one and see how much detail you can remember about that event. Really immerse yourself in the memory, trying to recall the weather that day, any smells you can remember, what you were wearing; get as detailed as you possibly can. Notice as you do this what happens in your body. You may notice your breath slowing or speeding up depending on whether the memory involved high adrenaline, your blood pressure may drop, you may feel joy beginning to surge in your chest, or a profound sense of peace and well-being. These will become your go-to memories. You can reuse them anytime you need to to switch your state of mind to a more relaxed, positive state. One of my favorite memories I use to do this is a very simple one: the memory of being hugged by someone who I know really loves me. This memory works every time to slow my heart rate and put me in a relaxed, peaceful mood.

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The Law of Compounding Pleasure

The Pure Science of Happiness I challenge you to practice doing these things every day for 10 days and notice the difference it makes in how you attract women. When you feel good on the inside and allow your sexual energy to flow unobstructed by fear, women will be drawn to you like a moth to a flame. When you relax about your desires, so will the women that you attract. More relaxation means more women who are comfortable letting their primal slut out to play with you!

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