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1
jin ke paas hai wo haath me le kar hilate hai jin ke paas nahin hai who ungali daal kar hilate hai woh kya hai? tooth brush
2 lady to doctor: so much of knee pain doctor: why? lady: doggy style of fucking doctor: dont u know other style of sex lady: i know but dog doesnt
3
kelewala : kele lelo kele madam: kitne chhote aur piley hain, lambe aur kadak do na kelewala: madam kabhi to khane ke liye bhi ley liya karo
4
call girl bimar ho gayi doctor: tumhe aaram ki saktha jaroorat hai isliye 3 din tak bistar par jana mana hai
5 maid ko ghar ki safai mein condom mila to usne malkin se poocha ye kya hai malkin: kya tumhare gaon mei sex nahin karte hai
maid: karte hain lekin itna nahin ki khal utar jaaye 6 a man standing in front of mirror fully nacked says: kaash main raja hota his wife lying on bed says: agar 1 inch choota hota to rani hota 7
height of work pressure: boy friend keeping laptop on girlfriends back working and *stroking in doggy style
A widow goes on her first date since her husband’s death, and afterward the two end up back at her place. Once in the bedroom, she takes off everything but her black panties. “You can touch me anywhere else,” she says, “but down there I’m still mourning.” “I figured as much,” says the man. He then proceeds to pull down his pants and put on a black condom. “If you don’t mind, I’d like to offer my deepest condolences.”
A
penis
man
is
average
fucks
Numbers
6
average of
thrice
strikes
Sex
inches
30
life
in
length.
per
week.
per
fuck.
20
years.
Women get 6x30x3x52x20=14.4 km of penis.
Mind Blowing Estimate. lolz.
Hey
kids,
why
It's called, "outside".
don't
you
try
a
new
social
networking
tool?
Question. What is common between a Bus Conductor and a Gay man?
Answer. Both Shout - Pichey Se Aaja
FACT:
79,000,000
FACT: FACT: FACT:
people
are
engaged
in
58,000,000 37,000,000 1
are old
sex
right
are relaxing timer
after is
now. kissing.
having reading
sex. this.
You hang in there, Sunshine!
A huge man married a petite and innocent girl who was a virgin. He was sexually experienced and suggested having sex "doggie style" on their wedding night. She didn't know what he was talking about, and when he explained it, she flew into a rage and insisted they have sex using the "normal" position or not at all. However, after having sex he was unable to withdraw his penis because it was so big and she was so small! They found themselves in the embarrassing position of having to call an ambulance to take them to the emergency room for help. After hanging up the phone he said, "You know, if you had done it the way I wanted you to, we could have walked to the emergency room."
If Big companies starts selling Condoms:
MIRINDA Jor ka jhatka dhere se lge
PEPSODENT Rat bhr dhisum-dhisum
TATA Isko lagaDala to Life jingaLala
SKY
Judith and Isaac are having an almighty row. "I’m disappointed in you, Isaac," shouts Judith. "When
I
first
married
you,
I
thought
you
were
a
brave
man."
"Yes dear," Isaac replies, "and so did all my friends."
Three whores were comparing notes about their customers from the night before. "I "How
fucked did
a
cowboy
you
know
last
he
was
a
night",
said
the
first.
cowboy?"
asked
the
second.
"Well, he wore a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and kept both the hat and the boots on all the time
we
"Sounds
like
a
were
cowboy,
all
screwing."
right,"
the
others
agree.
"I fucked a lawyer," announced the second. "I could tell because he wore a three piece suit and packed a briefcase. He wore the vest of the suit and hung on to the briefcase all the time we They
were all
"I
fucked
"How
could
agreed a you
he grain
possibly
know
fucking." sounded
farmer," he
was
like
a
commented a
grain
lawyer.
the
farmer?"
one
third. asked.
"First he complained it was too dry, then he whined it was too wet, then he asked if he could pay me in the autumn."
Coke dealers............... Always sticking their business in other people's noses.
A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheely bins and emptying them into his dustcart lorry. He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door.
There's no answer so he knocks again.
Eventually a Chinese bloke answers... "Harro", says the Chineseman.
"Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman
"I bin on toilet" replies the Chinese bloke, looking perplexed.
Realising the Chinese fellow has misunderstood, the binman smiles and says "No mate, where's ya dust bin?"
"I dust bin on toilet I told you" says the Chinese man.
"Mate" says the dustman... "you're misunderstanding me...where's your Wheely Bin?"
"OK" "OK" , the chinaman says, "I wheely bin having wank."
1. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.
2. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
3. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
4. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call email envy.
5. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
6. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.
7. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
8. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
9. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
10. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
Judge: Why did you shoot your wife instead of shooting her lover?
Man: Your honour, it’s easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting one man every week.
An Indian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell and asks "What do they do here?" He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks "What do they do here?"
He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in? "Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the cafeteria..."
msg bhej bhejte
pe bhej bhi
msg kar ho
bheja to
bhejte kharab kya
ho karte bhejte
ho ho
khud
ka
bheja
chalta
nahi
dusro ka bheja bhej te ho
Here's a funny take on the awesome scene from Sholay in which Amitabh Bachchan goes to Hema Malini's Mausi for Dharmendra's sake.
After giving up 'goondagiri', Veeru has now joined an Indian body shopper and has become a Computer Consultant. Jay goes to Mausi for 'Basanti kaa haath mangane'..........
MAUSI: Bura nahin maanna beta, itna to poochna hi padtha hai ki ladke ka khandaan kya hai, uske lakshan kaise hain, kamaata kitna hai, US me masters kiya he...
AMITABH: kamaane ka to ye hai mausi, ki ek baar biwi baccho ki jimmewari sar pe aa gai, to consultant ka kaam chod kar regular employee hoga aur phir kamaane bhi lagega.
MAUSI: to kya abhi kucch bhi nahin kamaata?
AMITABH: nai, nai, ye maine kab kahaa mausi. kamaata hai lekin, ab roj roj to 'client' mil nahi sakta na, kabhi kabhi "BENCH" per baith jaata hai bechara.
MAUSI: BENCH pe bhi aana jana hai?
AMITABH: haan mausi, ab ye kambakht Computer Consultancy cheej hi aisi hai. Aur bench par to bade bade log jeseke Bill Gates, Andrew Grove, Larry Ellison bhi betha karte the.
MAUSI: to kya programmer hai?
AMITABH: chee, chi, chi, chee, chee! wo aur programmer? NAA! NAA!! wo to bahut hi acchhaa aur nek ladka hai, lekin waise ek baar kisi desi body shopper ke haat lag jaye na phir 'language/RDBMS/QA' ka kahaan hosh rahta hai! haath pakad ke 'IDMS' ya 'QA'karvaane bithadiya desi ne, ab isme bechaare Veeru ka kya dosh.
MAUSI: theek kahte ho beta, programmer woh, DBA woh, DESI ke paas kaam karta hai woh, lekin uska koi dosh nahin.
AMITABH: mausi aap to mere dost ko galat samajh rahen hai, wo to itna seedha aur bhola hai, arey Basanti se uski shaadi kar ke to dekhiye, ye 'programming', 'DBA' aur 'client ke paas jane ki aadat' to do din main chhoot jayegi.
MAUSI: arey beta is budhiya ko samjha rahe ho! apne COMPUTER CONSULTANTS ko chod dene ki aadat kisi body shopper ki chhooti hai aaj tak?
AMITABH: mausi aap Veeru ko nahin jaanti, biswaas kijiye wo is tarah ka insaan nahin hai. ek baar shaadi ho gai to wo 'PAGER' bhi rakhna band kar dega, bas PROGRAMMING apne aap chhoot jayegi.
MAUSI: hai raam, bas yehi ek kami baaki rah gai thi, to kya PAGER bhi rakhta hai?
AMITABH: to usme kaun si buri baat hai mausi, arey PAGER to PRESIDENT,VP, CEO aur unchey-unchey log rakhte hai haan.
MAUSI: accha! to beta ye bhi batate jaao ki tumhare ye gunwaan dost assal me kis company ke employee hai?
AMITABH: bas mausi, hum 'trace' kar rahe hai, original HI milte hi company ka pata chal jayega aur hum aapko khabar de denge.
MAUSI: ek baat ki daad dungi beta, bhale sow buraiyaan hon tumhare dost main, phir bhi tumhare muh se uske liye tareef hi nikalti hai.
AMITABH: kya karoon mausi, hum body shoppers log hi kucch aise hai. to ye rista pakka samjhoon.
MAUSI: pakka! bhale saari jindagi ladki kuwaari baithi rahe,lekin aise aadmi se Basanti ko nahin byahne waali, sagi mausi hoon koi sauteli maan nahin.
AMITABH: ajeeeeb baaat hai, mere itne samjhaane par bhi aapne inkaar kar diya, bechaara Veeru, na jaane ab agla client kaha milega!!
Washington, DC -- Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of March 1, 2008. The move is being made in order to save the President's $500,000 yearly salary, and also a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead that his office has incurred during the last 5 years. It is anticipated that $231 billion can be saved to the end of the President's term. "We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost savings are huge," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). "We cannot remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.
Mr. Bush was informed by e-mail this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time.
Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai , India will assume the office of President as of September 1, 2007. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, NY, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month, but no health coverage or other benefits.
It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President." A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem as President Bush had never been familiar with the issues either.
Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issue at all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "President Bush has used them successfully for years, with the result that some people actually thought he knew what he was talking about."
Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two-week waiting period, he will be eligible for $140 a week unemployment for
26 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit.
Mr. Bush has been provided with the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to a lack of any successful work experience during his lifetime. A greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested due to Bush's extensive experience at shaking hands, as well as his special smile.
(_!_)
Regular
(__!__)
arse
Fat
(!)
arse
Tight
(_*_)
arse
Sore
(_o_)
arse
Well
used
(_e=mc2_)
arse
Smart
arse
(_x_) Kiss my arse
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
Three mice are at a bar, having drinks, talking about how tough they are. The first mouse slams down a shot of booze, says, "Let me tell you how tough I am."
I spot a trap and go for the cheese. When it snaps, I snatch the bar and bench press it 20 or so times and before it can close I'm outa there!" and he tosses down another shot.
The
second
mouse
slams
down
a
shot
and
says,
"You
think
that's
tough?
When I find a pile of d-con, I crush it and snort it like it's cocaine." With that he throws down another shot and slams his shot glass on the bar.
The first two are staring at the third mouse, waiting to see what he has to say for himself. He fires down a shot of booze, throws down his glass and heads for the door. His buddies look at each other, then at him and say, "Hey, where are YOU going?"
The third mouse says, "I haven't got time for this shit, I need to get home to screw the cat."
President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach
him.
"What
is
it?"
yells
the
President.
"It's this abortion bill, Mr. President. What do you want to do about it?" the aide asks. "Just go ahead and pay it." responds the President.
A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed him that he was not allowed
to
serve
alcohol
to
drunken
patrons.
After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove he wasn't drunk by doing
twenty
push-ups
on
the
floor.
As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees this guy on the floor He
doing looks
at
him
for
a
minute
and
push-ups. then
kicks
him
in
the
ribs
saying,
"Fella, I think your girl friend has gone home."
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…
4 Miracles of a Woman
Getting
wet
Bleeding Giving
without without
milk
Making Boneless meat HARD!!!
taking
a
getting without
eating
SHOWER HURT GRASS
Jab
Ponds
ke
ad
mein
gaal
dikhate
hai,
. . . . . Sunsilk
ke
ad
mein
baal
dikhate
hain
mein
dhokha
kyun
. . . . . toh
Whisper
ke
ad
. . . . . Jago Ghrahak Jago
Catch
her
by
Bring Keep
her
waist…
her your
hand
home... on
her
neck...
Put your lips on her lips and have a … nice drink…PEPSI
Let
me
let
me
let
me
SMILE!
kiss feel feel
ur ur ur
lips, teeth, tongue.
This
is
ur
friend
“PEPSODENT” reminding
you
to
brush
ur
teeth,
Twice a day Everyday :-)
Question. What’s an average 6 inch long, inside a guy’s pants and girls love to blow it up? ? ? ? ? Answer. 1000 rupee currency note! Always think positive.
Love
is
a
Sex
is
a
Boys
do
the
Girls
get
1
night
9
months
1
gamble, game, thing
the
blame,
in
pleasure of
day
in
pain hospital
and
a junior needs a name.
Comments (1)
Joke: Romance in the midnight Posted on June 22, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Can
we
I’m Just
do
romance
in a
little
Reply yours Loving Mosquito.
Comments (0)
in
a bit
the
midnight good
of me
kissing
today? mood.
and
biting!! soon,
Joke: Small things gets longer Posted on June 21, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Question. A short thing, its get longer as you hold it and pass between a woman’s breasts and enters into a small hole. What is it?
Answer. Cars seat belt…you dirty mind.
Comments (0)
Joke: Male Training Seminars Posted on June 20, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
1. Combatting Stupidity
2. You, Too, Can Do Housework
3. PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
4. How to Fill an Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas: Give us Money
6. Understanding the Female Response to Your Coming in Drunk at 4:00am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques: formerly titled "Don't Wash my Silks"
8. Parenting: No, It Doesn't End With Conception
9. Get a Life: Learn to Cook
10. How Not to Act Like a Jackass When You're Obviously Wrong
11. Spelling: Even You Can Get it Right
12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
13. You: The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons to Give Flowers
15. How to Stay Awake in Public
16. Why it is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere but the Bathroom
17. Garbage: Getting it to the Curb
18. You Can Fall Asleep Without IT if You Really Try
19. The Morning Dilemma if IT's awake: Take a Shower
20. I'll Wear it if I Damn Well Please
21. How to Put the Toilet Lid Down: formerly titled "No, It's Not a Bidet"
22. "The Weekend" and "Sports" are Not Synonyms
23. Give Me a Break: Why We Know Your Excuses are Bull
24. How to Go Shopping with Your Mate and Not Get Lost
25. The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
26. Romanticism: Ideas Other Than Sex
27. Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes
28. Mothers-in-Law: They are People Too
29. Male Bonding: Leaving Your Friends at Home
30. You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
31. Seeing the True You: formerly titled "No, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson When Naked"
32. Changing Your Underwear: It Really Works
33. The Attainable Goal: Omitting "tits" From Your Vocabulary
34. Fluffing the Blankets After Flatulating is Not Necessary
35. Techniques for calling home
Comments (0)
Joke: Awesome double meaning Shayari in Hindi Posted on June 19, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Mangta
hoon
jawaab hai
hoon
ho
aise
kehti
ko
kar
uske
karke
kehti
garam khud
hai
aaj
baloon Dalte
mein, ka.....
ke
samne, ka.......
pakadane
leti
glass hoon
sath
ko
mujhko,
coffee pakad
thanda
the
logic
cup
Aur
dikhao, ka........
aankhon
coding
Ishara
tum
office
achanak
bhed
rakho, ka.........
rahe
apne gaya
andar
baat
jab
kaam
ka..........
pehle
apni sham
hai,
sawaal hai
Rukh
jata
na
jawaab
Wo
ka.......
jazbaat
use
yun
Sochta
khada
rome
Kehta
nahi,
sawaal
to
rome
Khul
deti
mere
Deti
Kal
to
bahon
ka.. hai
mera...
juice mein
mein hi
pakad
ka....
ke
daal
phool
gulab
gir
jata
patta patta gulab ka...!
Comments (9)
Joke: What do you call an eternity? Posted on June 18, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Question. What do you call an eternity?
Answer. Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
Comments (0)
Joke: Difference between 69 and driving in the fog
hi
doon, ka... hai,
Posted on June 17, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Question. What is the difference between a 69 and driving in the fog?
Answer. When driving in the fog, you can't see the asshole in front of you.
Comments (0)
Joke: Common between recession and girlfriends vagina Posted on June 16, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Question. What does the recession and your ex-girlfriends vagina have in common?
Answer. Deeper than expected.
Comments (0)
Joke: Work and Prison Posted on June 15, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
In
prison:
At
work:
In At
You
spend
You
spend
prison: work:
In
get
prison: work:
In
prison:
majority
most
You
You
At
the
a
of
of
your
get
break
your
time
time
in
three
for
1
meal
You
get
time
You
get
rewarded
for
A
guard
locks
an a
8x10 6x8
meals
and
you
off
unlocks
all
cubicle.
to
day.
pay
for
good
behavior
it.
behavior.
with
the
cell.
a
have
for
good
and
in
more
doors
work.
for
you.
At work: You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In
prison:
At
work:
In
You You
can
get
fired
prison:
At prison:
At
work:
In
prison:
All
TV
get
allow
cannot expenses
TV
and
your
even paid
and
to
your
by
games.
playing
games. toilet.
to
family
speak
play
own
have your
are
and
watching
You
They You
for
You
work:
In
watch
taxpayers
share.
friends family
with
no
to
visit.
and
friends.
work
required.
At work: You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary
to
pay
for
prisoners.
In prison: You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out. At work: You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. In
prison:
There
are
wardens
who
are
often
sadistic.
At
work:
In
prison:
They
You
have
are unlimited
called
time
to
supervisors.
read
e-mail
jokes.
At work: You get fired if you get caught.
Comments (1)
Joke: Why Cats Are Better Than Men Posted on June 14, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
A
CAT
Better
always
chance
hits
of
the
litterbox.
training
a
CAT.
No matter what your CAT drags into your house, you don't have to pretend you like it. You If
never you
A
have
ask
enough
CAT
You
can
It's
to
spend times,
purrs de-claw
okay
if
time
a
CAT
when
a
CAT...
a
CAT
with may
you
try
to
rubs
get up
your
CAT's
actually
listen
serve a
guy
him to
against
clip
your
mother. to
you. dinner.
his
toenails.
best
friend.
You don't have to worry about your CAT turn into a pig when you host a party. A
CAT
knows
you're
the
key
to
his
happiness...
A
man
thinks
he
is.
If a CAT jumps into your lap, a little light petting will satisfy him.
Comments (5)
Joke: Guy getting hit by ball right in the crotch Posted on June 13, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground, when he finally gets himself to the doctor.
He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way." The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."
So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them.
She says, "You are my FIRST, no one has ever touched these breasts." He whips down his pants and says... " Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"
Comments (1)
Joke: Difference Between Satisfaction and Frustration Posted on June 12, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
What
is
the
difference
between
Satisfaction
and
Frustration
is
only
one
article.
What "a" fuck and What "the" Fuck!
Comments (2)
Joke: What Is Your Business Sign? Posted on June 11, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Instead of Astrological Signs, how about these .. What's Your Business Sign?
1. MARKETING You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
2. SALES Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
3. TECHNOLOGY Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.
4. ENGINEERING One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that engineers place ninety percent of all Personal Ads. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."
5. ACCOUNTING The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.
6. HUMAN RESOURCES Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.
7. MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT Catty, cutthroat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."
8. SENIOR MANAGEMENT (See above - Same sign, different title)
9. CUSTOMER SERVICE Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.
10. CONSULTANT Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.
11. RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER" As a "person" that profits from the success of others, most people who actually work for a living disdain you. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.
12. PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.
13. GOVERNMENT WORKER Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job...Thus the term "GO POSTAL".
Comments (0)
Joke: When Red Indians were running America Posted on June 10, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
When white man found this land, Indians were running it. There were:
-
No
Taxes
-
No
Debt
-
Plenty
buffalo
-
Plenty
beaver
-
Medicine
-
Women
man did
free
all
the
work
- Men hunted and fished all the time
The white man was dumb enough to think he could improve on that system!
Comments (1)
Joke: Few hymns for those who speed on the highway Posted on June 9, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
45mph…………………God
Will
65mph…………………Nearer 85mph…………………This
Take
Care
My
God
World
95mph…………………Lord,
of
Is
To Not
I’m
You Thee
My
Coming
Home Home
100mph……………….Precious Memories
Comments (2)
Joke: Hymn Titles By Occupation Posted on June 8, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Dentist’s
Hymn………………………….Crown
Weatherman’s Contractor’s The
Hymn……….There Hymn………………….The
Tailor’s
Shall
Him Be
with
Many
Showers
Church’s
Hymn……………………………………….Holy,
of
One
Crowns Blessings Foundation
Holy,
Holy
The
Golfer’s
The
Hymn…………………………There’s
Politician’s
Optometrist’s The
Green
Hymn………………………….Standing
Hymn…………………..Open
IRS
a
Agent’s
The
Gossiper’s
The
Electrician’s
My
Hill
on
Eyes
Far
the
That
I
Hymn………………………………..I
Promises Might
Surrender
Hymn…………………………………………..Pass Hymn……………………………………Send
The
Shopper’s
Hymn………………………………..Sweet
The
Realtor’s
Hymn…………………………….I’ve
The
Massage
Therapists
Away
It
Got
Hymn……………….He
All On
The By
See
Light and
a
By Mansion
Touched
Me
The Doctor’s Hymn………………………The Great Physician
Comments (0)
Joke: Difference between 1st and 2nd Honeymoon Posted on June 7, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Difference
between
First
1st
and
2nd
Honeymoon
Honeymoon:
-
Niagra
Second Honeymoon - Viagra
Comments (2)
Joke: Boy watches his mum and dad having sex Posted on June 6, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
A boy watches his mum and dad having sex he ask, "What are you doing ?" His
dad
replies,
"Making
you
a
brother
or
sister!"
Boy say, "Do her doggy style I want a puppy.
Comments (1)
Joke: Maid sucking cock of childs father Posted on June 5, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Chota yeh
bacha
tum
pappa
ka
penis
muh
naukrani main
lekar
kya
se! kar
rahi
the?
Naukrani: Woh Main..
main..
main.. main
na
Woh.. Tumhari Mamma k liye saaf kar rahi thee!
Comments (0)
Joke: Two cows are standing in a field Posted on June 4, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Two One
cows
says
to
are
the
other
"Are
standing
you
in
worried
about
a Mad
field.
Cow
Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"
Comments (0)
Joke: Pappu meets papa Santa on stairs of a Kotha Posted on June 3, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Pappu
meets
Pappu:
Papa
papa
aap
Santa
yahan
on
stairs kya
of kar
a rahe
KOTHA. ho?
Santa: Yaar ab 200-300 rupaye ke peeche teri mummy ke nakhre nahi sahe jaate!
Comments (0)
Joke: Bonus Payment For Generals Posted on June 2, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away would get his full annual benefits plus 10,000 Dollars for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of 720,000 Dollars.
The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for 960,000 Dollars.
When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man ... "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles."
The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice cheques the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.
The medical officer arrived and asked the general to drop the pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?"
The general replied, "One in Iraq and the other in Afghanistan... Keep measuring."
Comments (5)
Joke: A Naughty Little Poem Posted on June 1, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
She
whispered
"Of
course
"It's
"will
it
not"
a
hurt
me?"
answered
very
he
simple
process,
You can rely on me."
She
said
I've
not
My
"I'm
very
had
friend
has
frightened,
this had
it
before. five
times
And said it can be sore."
It
was
Tears It
growing formed
was
rather in
hurting
painful
her
quite
eyes
a
bit
now
It must have been a size.
"Calm "His
yourself" face
he filled
with
whispered a
grin
"Try
and
open
wider
So I can get it in."
"It's "I
coming
now"
he
whispered
know"
she
cried
in
it
deep
within
her
Feeling
bliss now
She said "I am glad I'm having this."
And
with
She
gave
He
gripped
a
final
a
effort
frightened it
shout
in
anguish
And quickly pulled it out.
She
lay
Sighed She
back and
said
quite gave
"I'm
glad
contended a
I
smile came
now
You made it worth my while."
Now The Is
if
you
read
dentist not
this
you what
will you
carefully find imagined
It's just your dirty mind!!
Comments (2)
Joke: Santa runing after a Bus Posted on May 31, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Santa runing after a Bus, finally catches it n asks the Driver: "Ye bus teri Ma lagti hai?" Driver: Santa:
Nahin. To
kya
Behan
Driver: Santa: To phir chadne kyun nahin deta?
Comments (2)
Joke: Santa fondling a lady in crowded bus
lagti
hai? Nahin.
Posted on May 30, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Santa Lady:
was
fondling
Excuse
a
me,
aap
lady achha
in
a
nahi
crowded
bus.
rahe
hain!
kar
Santa: Itni bheed mein is se achha nahi ho sakta.
Comments (0)
Joke: Written on the T-Shirt of a girl Posted on May 29, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Written
on
the
T-Shirt
of
a
girl:
STATUTORY WARNING: Objects inside the T-Shirt are larger than they appear from outside.
Comments (0)
Joke: Naughty brief human interest story Posted on May 28, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
A young journalism graduate from University had gone to work for the Local News Paper. His first assignment was to write a brief human interest story. An idea came to him and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew of in his home state.
Deep in the woods, he came upon a farmers house and decided this would be a good place to start.
He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there. The farmer agreed to answer his questions.
The reporter asked the farmer what event in his life had made him the happiest?
Farmer replied, “One time a neighbor lost one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all screwed it we took it back to the farmer that lost it.”
“I can’t print that,” said the reporter, “Is there another event that made you really happy?” Farmer thought for a minute and said, “Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a good-lookin’ young girl. We all formed a posse and found her. After all of us screwed her, we took her back to her daddy.”
Again the reporter knew he couldn’t print the story and decided to take a different tack. He asked Farmer, “Is there any event in your life that has made you really sad?”
Farmer hung his head and replied, “Well, I got lost once.”
Comments (2)
Joke: House of Prostitution Posted on May 27, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...."
"Very well my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door...
This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
Comments (4)
Joke: Software Engineer and his Wife talking Posted on May 26, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Husband - Hey dear, I am logged in.
Wife
-
would
you
like
to
have
some
snacks?
Husband - hard disk full.
Wife
-
have
Husband - Bad command or file name.
you
brought
the
saree.
Wife
-
but
I
told
you
about
it
in
morning
Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.
Wife
-
hae
bhagwan
!forget
it
where's
your
salary.
some
shopping.
Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.
Wife
-
at
least
give
me
your
credit
card,
i
can
do
Husband - sharing violation, access denied.
Wife
-
i
made
a
mistake
in
marrying
you.
Husband - data type mismatch.
Wife
-
you
are
useless.
Husband - by default.
Wife
-
who
was
there
with
you
in
the
car
this
morning?
Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.
Wife
-
what
is
the
relation
between
you
and
your
Receptionist?
Husband - the only user with write permission.
Wife
-
what
is
my
value
in
your
life?
Husband - unknown virus detected.
Wife
-
do
you
love
me
or
go
to
my
your
computer?
Husband - Too many parameters..
Wife
-
i
will
dad's
house.
Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close.
Wife
-
I
will
leave
you
forever.
Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.
Wife
-
it
is
Husband - shut down the computer.
worthless
talking
to
you.
Wife
-
I
am
going
Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer.
Comments (5)
Joke: Guys cheating on Income Tax Posted on May 25, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Ray dies and finds himself before the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells him that he cannot enter yet because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a dumb, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Ray decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So, off he goes with this woman, pretending to be happy. As he walks along, he sees his friend Marcus up ahead with an even uglier woman. When he asks what’s going on, Marcus replies “I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money.” They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together to help pass the time. Now Marcus, Ray, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own business when they see someone who looks like their old friend Russell up ahead. This man is with an absolutely
gorgeous
woman.
Stunned, Marcus and Ray approach the man and discover it is their friend Russell. They ask him how it is he’s with this unbelievable goddess, while they’re stuck with these god-awful women. Russell replies, “I have no idea, but I’m definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can’t seem to understand. Every time we finish having sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, “Damn income taxes!”
Comments (2)
Joke: Farmer buying young cock from market Posted on May 24, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
A farmer rears twenty-five young hens and one old cock. As he feels that the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market.
Old cock to Young cock: "Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity.
Young cock: What you mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired.
Old cock: Young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can't I help you with some?
Young cock: No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.
Old cock: In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win you shall allow me to have one hen and if I lose you will have all.
Young cock: O.K. What kind of competition?
Old cock: 50 meter run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters.
Young cock: No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.
Confidently, the following morning, the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off and when the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might.
Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock back in a matter of seconds.
Suddenly, Bang! ...... before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer, who cursed, "Hell ! This is the fifth GAY chicken I've bought this week !"
Comments (6)
Joke: Examiner asking Sardar to name bird Posted on May 22, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Examiner showed the legs of the bird in Zoology lab and asked sardar bacha, "What is the name
of
Sardar: Examiner:
I You
idiot
get
out,
this
bird?"
don't
know.
what's
Sardar: See my legs and tell my name...
Comments (3)
Joke: Luck and Fuck are directly proportional Posted on May 21, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
your
name?
Luck When
and
Fuck
Luck
are
favors,
directly you
can
proportional Fuck
to the
each whole
other. world,
BUT when Luck fails, the whole world begins to Fuck you!
Comments (1)
Joke: Naughty New Nursery Rhyme Posted on May 20, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Ba Ba Bastard have you any kids?
Yes
Sir,
Yes
1
Sir,
from
1
from
3
damn
my my
kids. neighbour,
maid
and
1 from the prostitute who never got paid!
Comments (1)
Joke: Italian Frenchman and Yorkshireman discussing sex Posted on May 19, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
An Italian, a Frenchman, and a Yorkshireman are discussing their relative performance in bed.
The Italian says, "When I've-a finshed-a makin' da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats-a da 6 inches above-a da bed in ecstasy."
The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nossing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with my girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats ze 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy."
The Yorkshireman says, "That's nothing! When I've finished fookin' my missus, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my dick clean on the curtains. She hits the fookin' roof!"
Comments (0)
Joke: Man coming home after night shift Posted on May 18, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.
"How'd you get down her so fast?" he asked.
"We were just making love!"
"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile."
Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?" The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen years, and I wasn't about to start now!"
Comments (1)
Joke: What is the similarity between Toothpaste and Bra? Posted on May 17, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Question. What is the similarity between Toothpaste and Bra?
Answer. Kholo, Dabao, Muh mein dalo aur Fresh Ho Jao!
Comments (3)
Joke: 5 great kings who have brought happiness Posted on May 16, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Can you name 5 great kings who have brought happiness into peoples lives?
Smo-king Drin-king Lic-king Suc-king
and
of
Fuck-king! Continue it and post your suggestions in the comments. Thanks.
course,
Comments (11)
Joke: Intezar na kar Posted on May 15, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Fizaon ke badalne ka intezar na kar, Aandhiyon ke rukne ka intezar na kar, Channel badal aur FTV laga le bachha, ESPN par Sania ke jhukne ka intezar na kar.
Comments (4)
Joke: How many male chauvinists to change light bulb? Posted on May 14, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Question. How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer. None. Let her do the dishes in the dark.
Comments (0)
Joke: Group of misguided hikers Posted on May 13, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
A group of hikers were being led through the wilderness by a guide. On the third day, the hikers noticed that they had been travelling in circles.
”We’re lost!” One of the hikers complained.
”And you said you were the best guide in the United States.”
”I am,” the guide answered, ” but I think we may have wandered into Canada.”
Comments (0)
Joke: Two elderly gentlemen talking after wedding Posted on May 12, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Two elderly gentlemen were having coffee in the resort hotel the morning after their double wedding
to
their
respective
elderly
wives.
Jim said, with concern, "I'll have to see a doctor when I get home, I couldn't consummate my marriage
last
"Well, really," says Bob. "I better see a therapist then - I didn't even think of it!"
Comments (0)
night."
Joke: Bra falling on doodhwala Posted on May 11, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
A bra falls on a doodhwala entering a building.
He looks up and shouts, "Oh, bhenji! Aapke doodh ka dhakkan gir gaya!"
Comments (2)
Joke: Example of Bravery Posted on May 10, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
A Spanish Naval captain was walking leisurely on his battleship when a subordinate rushes over to him and says "Sir, an enemy battleship is fast approaching us. We should be ready."
The captain replies coolly "Go. Get my Red shirt." The subordinate rushes over and gets the Shirt for his captain. The captain wears the red shirt.
After some time, the enemy battleship comes in range. Consequently heavy rounds of fire are exchanged between the two battleships. After much effort, the Spanish win.
The subordinate approaches his boss, "Congratulations for the victory sir, but why did you require the red shirt in the first place?"
The captain replies "Because, during the war if I got injured then my blood should not have been seen as I did not want my men to lose hope and to Fight with the same ferocity."
Just then another subordinate rushes over. "Sir, we just spotted another 20 enemy battleships heading in our direction."
The captain replies coolly “Go. Get my yellow trousers.”
Comments (8)
Joke: Husband wanting sex before sleeping Posted on May 9, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Husband: Darling, mujhe neend nahi aarahi, thora sa sex hojae?
Wife: Madarchod, meri chut mein kya neend ki goliyaan bhari hui hain?
Comments (3)
Joke: Why are Condoms transparent? Posted on May 8, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Question. Why are Condoms transparent?
Answer. So that the sperms can at least enjoy the Scenery!
Comments (5)
Joke: Three Blondes in a lift Posted on May 7, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
OK so there's 3 blondes in a lift, suddenly the lift comes to a halt and the lights go out. First they try and call for help by using their mobile phones… but no luck. The phone's have no signal.
After a couple of hours being stuck with no sign of help, one blond says to the others "I think the best way to call for help is by shouting together."
The others agree, and they take a deep breath and begin to shout "Together, together, together."
Comments (0)
Joke: A Secretary Complains About Her Sex Crazed Boss Posted on May 6, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
She says, "My boss is so sex-crazed."
Everytime he comes into the office, I must do the LAPTOP position, and then the DESKTOP position, followed by the SPREADSHEET format.
I must LOAD UP his SOFT DISK into a HARD DISK, so that he can INSERT in my C DRIVE and then the A DRIVE.
Then he'll ask me to EJECT his SOFTWARE outside my C DRIVE so that he is VIRUS FREE.
Then he changes his mind and decides to ENTER, ENTER, and ENTER the whole day till he is in MICROSOFT stage.
Once I tried to ESC (escape) but he caught me and Shifted me to his HOME where he started pressing BACKSPACE, and said "TURNOVER"
Today, many a times he works without CAPSLOCK (without "cap" or "helmet") and sometimes as an Alternative he CRASHES @ my SYSTEM until he looses his CTRL (control) and again he LOGS IN...
This process may continue until I SHUT DOWN his MAIN SYSTEM
Comments (1)
Joke: Naughty version of Summer Lovin from the musical Grease Posted on May 5, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Sing the song below to the tune of "Summer Lovin'" from the musical "Grease".
Bill:
"Summer
Monica:
"White
Bill:
"Met
Monica:
"Met
Bill:
intern,
"Summer
had
house
intern,
a
days,
me happened
girl,
the
prez,
sucking
away,
a so
crazy
for
down oh,
on
i,
blast"
but
me"
my
those
fast"
knees"
summer
nights"
Investigation Committee: "Well, ah.. well, ah....well, ah. uh Tell us more, tell us more" Linda
Trip:
Investigation
Monica: Bill:
Star:
"The
to
"She
is
gave
"I
me
said
OK,
us
he
screw
prez
remember
"Tell
"Did
"Wanted
Monica:
to
Committee:
Kenneth Bill:
"try
more, come
her
sexy
tell your
she
he
makes
head,
right
in
just
don't
come
best" us
on
but
-
your
had my
dress?" a
panties
the in
more"
cramp" damp"
White
House"
my
mouth:
Investigation Committee: "Well, ah.. well, ah....well, ah. uh Tell us more, tell us more" Linda
Trip:
Investigation Kenneth Bill: Monica:
"he Committee:
Star: "Press "He
sounds "Tell
"Did found
gave
us he
out, me
like
fifty
more, tell
it bucks
a tell you
turned to
into buy
a
swell
guy"
us
more"
to
lie?"
a
mess"
new
dress"
Bill:
"She
Monica: Bill
promised "Wonder
&
Monica:
to who
"Sex
filled
lie,
she
is
servicing
dreams,
made
a
vow"
him
ripped
at
now"
the
seams
But.........oh Those Whiii-ii--iiite Hooouuuuse Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-yiiights"
Comments (2)
Joke: Funny full forms of AIDS Posted on May 4, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
AIDS: Ass Infected Don't Screw, Another Idiot Died Screwing
Editor: The full forms mentioned above may be funny but AIDS the disease sure is not. Please have safe sex and protect yourself.
Comments (2)
Joke: Guy sitting next to attractive woman in bar Posted on May 3, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives
her
a
The
woman
quick
glance,
notices
then
this
casually
and
looks
asks,
"Is
at
his
your
watch date
for
a
running
moment. late?"
"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" "It
uses
alpha
"What's "Well,
waves it
it
says
to
telepathically
talk
telling you're
to
me,"
you not
wearing
he
explains.
now?" any
panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"
The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
Comments (2)
Joke: Taxi driver losing control of car Posted on May 2, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped
centimetres from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.
Comments (1)
Joke: Naughty Hindi Adult Joke Posted on May 1, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Shakeela Aao Khelen Ge !
Nahi Aap Hamari Le Lein Ge !
Yehi Tou Pyar ki Kasaoti Hai !
Nahi Meri Bohat Hi Chhoti Hai !
Dekh Tere Liye Ees DiL Mein Kitna Pyar Bhara Hai !
Nahi Mujhe Pata Hai Aap Ka Kitna Bara Hai !
Dekh Yeh Tera Husn Aur Nikhaar Dega !
Ji Nahi Yeh Meri Phaar Dega...
Comments (7)
Joke: Calling wife names after drinking liquor Posted on April 30, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Wife: Jab tum desi sharab pite ho to mujhe paro kehto ho jab whisky pete ho to darling kehte
ho.
Aaj
kiya
pia
hia
jo
Husband: Aaj main hosh main hoon!
Comments (0)
Joke: Guy marrying the wrong girl Posted on April 29, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
churail
keh
rahe
ho?
Wife: Suniyeji, aap ka dost galat larki se shaadi kar raha hai. Aap usse rokte kyon nahi? Husband: Main kyon rokon? Usne mujhe roka tha kya!
Comments (0)
Joke: The average mans life consists of... Posted on April 28, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
The average man's life consists of:
Twenty
years
Forty
years
of
having
of
his
having
mother his
ask
wife
him ask
where the
he
is
same
going, question,
and at the end, the mourners wondering too.
Comments (1)
Joke: A Mans Life! Posted on April 27, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
When
we
are
born,
When
we
are
married,
When
we
die,
our
mothers
our our
brides
get
the
get
widows
compliments
the get
presents the
and and life
the the
flowers. publicity. insurance.
What do women want to be liberated from?
Comments (1)
Joke: Wife having headache Posted on April 26, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository...it's up to you!"
Comments (1)
Joke: The Awakening Posted on April 25, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!
She lives for ten more years, and then dies.
Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"
Comments (1)
Joke: Guy fucking 10 girls before marriage Posted on April 24, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Suhagraat ke din pati patni se bola: Shaadi se pehle I have fucked 10 girls.
Patni boli: Muhje pata tha, kundli mili hai to character bhi milega!
Comments (0)
Joke: Prostitute asking Plastic Surgeon to make another pussy Posted on April 23, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Prostitute
asked
Surgeon
Plastic
was
Surgeon
to
surprised
make and
another
hole asked
for
her. why?
She answered: Business is good, so opening a new branch!
Comments (1)
Joke: Three women talking about their sex lives 2 Posted on April 22, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.
The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."
The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."
The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."
She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler."
"How so?"
"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."
Previously - Joke: Three women talking about their sex lives
Comments (1)
Joke: How was wire invented? Posted on April 21, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Question. How was wire invented?
Answer. Two Marwaris spotted the same coin.
Comments (2)
Joke: What do you call a Smart Malayalee? Posted on April 20, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Question. What do you call a Smart Malayalee?
Answer. Debo-Nair.
Comments (0)
Joke: Making donkey laugh and cry Posted on April 19, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
There was one time two friends sitting next to a tree eating their lunch until one friend asks the other, "Hey you see that donkey far away.." and the other friend replies... "yeah I see it." "I bet you 100 bucks, I can make that donkey laugh.. the other friend replies.. "go ahead I bet that money you cant do that". So the friend goes where the donkey was eating his food, approaches to him and lift the donkey's ear and whispers in it.. and the donkey started laughing.. so the other friend loses his money.. in the next 5 min the friend asks the other friend again.. "I bet you 100 bucks more I make the donkey cry".. so he does and the other friend approaches to the donkey and lifts his ear and whispers in it again.. then donkey started to cry... he goes back and the other friend asks: "how did you do that"? his friend
replies, easy! "the first time I told him my dick was bigger than his.. "and he laughed.. and the "second time I showed to him..."
Comments (0)
Joke: If Ekta Kapoor made sexy serials... Posted on April 18, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
If Ekta Kapoor made sexy serials, then the names would be like...
- Kahani Palang Ki
- Kyunki Condom Bhi Kabhi Sasta Tha
- Kasauti Bra Panty Ki
- Kahin To Choda Hoga
- Kahi Kabhi Chod
- Kyuki Gand bhi Kabhi Fati Thi
- Kab hoga Nimmo ka
- Kaisi Ye Rand Hai
- Kahani Rat Bhar Ki
- Kabhi To Lega
- Kaskas Ke
- Kkavya-ke-ungli
Editor: If you have any suggestions for naughty serial titles, please feel free to share with us in the comments.
Comments (25)
Joke: Bade boobs wali Aurat Posted on April 17, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Ek aurat hote hey us ke bubbe (BooBs) bade hote hain jab bhi wo ghar se bahar kam ke liye jati to gali ke bache chilate hain "ye aam hain kitne pyare pyare ye aam hain kitne pyare pyare"
To wo Apne husband ko batati hai aur wo ek din us ke sath jata hai to bache chilana shuro kerte hain "ye aam hain kitne pyare pyare ye aam hain kitne pyare pyare"
Shoher buhat ghusse main aajata hai aur Shalwar utaar ker lora nikal ke bolta hey
"Aao tehni hilao, jitne gire tumhare"
Comments (0)
Joke: Aadmi ke 3 balls Posted on April 16, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Ek Aadmi ka 3 balls hota hain aur woh iss baat par pareshan hota haa. woh Hakeem (doctor) ka paas jata ha lakin uss ko samajh nahi aa rahi hota ke Hakeem ko kaisay bataye.
Woh
kahta
hai
Man: Hakim sahab , meri aur app ki balls mila kar total hain 5.
Hakeem: kyun app ka 4 hain?
Comments (0)
Joke: Garam Husband Posted on April 15, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Ek khuwaar admi ki shaadi ho jati hae.... suhag raat main kamrae main aatae hi biwi ko choodna shuru ho jata hae... aur taqreeban puri raat chood ta rehta hae....
Subha hoti hae.... biwi us kae liyae nashta bana kae lati hain..... woh nashta side pae rakh deta hae aur kehta hae... begum nashta washta chooroo tum hi mera nashta hooo...bas aaa jaooo... aur phir again... chudai shuru kar deta hae.....
Afternoon main... biwi bechari khana paka kae lati hae.... aur husband ko paish karti hae.... husband kehta hae...aray begum khana wana chooroo... bas tum hi mera khana hooo.... forun aa jaoo... aur phir ek aur baar.... begum ko choodna shuru ho jata hae....
Shaam aatii hae... woh apni begum ko dhoond raha hota ae .... jub kitchen kae paas jata hae... wahan dekhta hae... kae...begum.... ek garam kaprae sae apni choot ko saikh rahi hae...
Woh kehta hae... aray begum kia hua? kia kar rahi hoo.....
Begum kehti hae... aap kae liyae "shaam ka khana garam kar rahi hoon"
Comments (12)
Joke: Lady buying bananas Posted on April 14, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Kelewala: Kele le lo kele
Madam: Are bhaiya kele to pilpile hai kadak aur lambe do
Kelewala: Are madam kabhi to khane ke liye liya karo!
Comments (0)
Joke: Ek din Santa ko police pakad ke le gayi Posted on April 13, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Ek
Thanedar
din
Santa
uska
jankar
ko
tha.
police Usne
pakad pucha
-
ke
le
aaj
yaha
gayi! kaise?
Santa - Ye saara kam media walo ki vajah se hua hai! Maine dekha lady reporter ki shirt par lika hua tha "PRESS" aur maine DABA diya!
Comments (1)
Joke: Nasbandi ke liye patient doctor ke paas Posted on April 12, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Doctor mariz ke peeche bhaag raha tha. People asked Kya hua?
Doctor: Har baar aisa huaa... sala Nasbandi karvane aata hai aur baal saaf karvaake bhag jata hai.
Comments (3)
Joke: Chai Jo Pura Badan Hila de
Posted on April 11, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Aadmi Bade Mood me Waiter se: Ek Mast Chai Pilao Jo Pura Badan Hila de.
Waiter: Hamare Yahaa Gai ka Doodh Aata hai, RAKHI SAWANT ka Nahi.
Comments (0)
Joke: What is a Fashion Week? Posted on April 10, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Question. What is a "Fashion Week"?
Answer. Where Designers show their creations on models and models drop designer's creations to show "God's Creation".
Comments (0)
Joke: Dont let this happen to you Posted on April 9, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.
The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.
As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring at you , and that's when you remember: You've been listening to your iPod.
Comments (3)
Joke: Nasty Adult SMS Posted on April 8, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Today its cool to have small cars and small computers. Soon it will be cool to have a small penis too. Then, you my friend, will be THE MAN!!
Comments (0)
Joke: Boss having affair with maid Posted on April 7, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Sam is a servant boy who every day drinks the wine of his Boss puts water in the bottle to replace what he drank. But the Boss having suspicions as for the quality of the wine, decides to buy pastis (a French wine that changes color if you add water). Sam as usual, takes a mouthful and add water to replace what he drank.
However, soon after he added water the pastis became milky. When the Boss came backed and noticed it, he was sure he had managed to nail Sam as thief!!! At that same moment Sam realized he was in trouble and decided to go into the kitchen. The Boss told his wife that "Cherished, you will see, he will be obliged to acknowledge ". He shouted: "Sam!". Sam answered: "Yes, Boss". "Who drank my pastis?" No answer. The Boss reiterated his question: still no answer. Then the Boss went to find Sam in the kitchen and says to him: "You insane or what? Why when I call you you say "yes boss" but when I ask you a question you don't answer me? "Sam reported that "It is that boss, when you are in the kitchen there, you don't understand anything at all, except the name "
Then to prove that Sam lies, the Boss says to him: "You stay beside Madam, me I go in the kitchen, and you ask me a question ". Sam accepted. The Boss went in the kitchen and Sam shouted: "Boss". He answered: "Yes, Sam". Sam continued: "Who goes at the maid bedroom when the Madam is not there?" No answer. Sam shouted again: "Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant?" No answer. Third time: "Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant?" The Boss returns from the kitchen running and says "Sam: It is true, you are right, when one is in the kitchen, one does not hear anything, only the name".
Comments (0)
Joke: Ladki Ke 18 Nakhrey Posted on April 6, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
1.
Mera
peecha
matt
kero.
2.
Mein
shareef
larki
hoon.
3.
Bus
4.
aik Sirf
Bus
ouper
baar
say
10.
ker
aik Sharam
11.
lo,
haath
hi
ga. bhi
rahi
nahi
lagao.
gi. hai.
lamba mota
na
uttaro. kerwaoon
aa
itna
nahi.
matt baar
You. gi.
lay neechay
Bohat Mein
Love miloon
dekh
Panti Bus
I
kerna
Koi
8.
12.
gi
Kuch
6.
9.
boloon
aik
5.
7.
baar
hai. lay
sakti.
13.
Zor
14.
say
Bohat
15.
matt
dard
ho
Boobs
16.
Kamar
17.
daalna. raha
hai.
ko ko
Zor
chooso.
pakkad
ker
say
daalo.
dhakka
maaro.
18. Uff! Kitna mazza aa raha hai, ab bahir matt nikalna.
Comments (16)
Joke: The things that satisfy your mind Posted on April 5, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
It’s Do
the
it
thing
on
that
bed,
satisfies
on
It’s
a
sofa,
your
mind,
in
the
body car
and or
called
soul!
anywhere! Prayer!
God bless your naughty mind.
Comments (0)
Joke: Nice double meaning message Posted on April 4, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
He took me from a bar. He took me in his car. He took my top off. He puts his lips on mine, but don't worry: I'm a bottle of wine!
Comments (0)
Joke: What is the resemblance between windscreen wiper and woman? Posted on April 3, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Question. What is the resemblance between a windscreen wiper and a woman?
Answer. When they are wet, they do not squeak any more!
Comments (0)
Joke: Little boy sitting next to a Priest Posted on April 2, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The
man,
The
little
"The
who boy
was
replied.
priest
a "My
looked
priest, Daddy
up
said.
doesn't
from
"I
am
wear
his
his
a
collar
book
and
Father." like
that.
answered.
"I am the Father of many."
The boy said. "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar "I
that
am
the
way! Father
of
The
priest,
hundreds"
and
getting
went
back
impatient, to
reading
said. his
book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said.
"Maybe you should wear a condom and your pants backwards instead of your collar."
Comments (1)
Joke: Quickest way to make your spouse cry out when making love Posted on April 1, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Question. What's the quickest way to make your spouse cry out when making love?
Answer. Call her up and tell her where you are!
Comments (1)
Joke: Husband wife getting ready for bed Posted on March 31, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
A
husband
"Honey,"
the
"No "Is "Yes,
and
fellow dear,
wife
asked,
were
"do
you
not
that that
getting
ready
want
to
for
bed
one
evening.
have
make
love
tonight?"
tonight," your
is
final my
"In that case," he said, "may I phone a friend?"
Comments (0)
Joke: Applications invited for girlfriend Posted on March 30, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
she
replied. answer?"
final
answer!"
Due to recession, I sacked my Girlfriend (part of my cost cutting efforts) I need new one, so pass on this information to your female friends...please this is urgent (only females)
Applications are invited for the following post. The package and incentives are mentioned below:
Designation
:
Junior
girl
friend
(trainee)
Experience : Must have ditched at least 2 guys (Fresher with excellent credentials will be considered) Other requirement : Should have the Potential to do street bargaining and fight if required.
Age: 18-23 (if the individual is too good looking but not in the age group can also apply, special
consideration
will
undertaken
for
them)
Height, weight, complexions no bar, but is subjective.
Perks
and
Total •
gross
2
gifts
•
( not
bike
• 5
•
Kulfis Daily
•
rides
Rs. each
to
Trips
to
Hanuman
/
Chocobars
at
Provision 2
Monthly
exceeding
trips
•
•
worth
incentives:
of
movies
precious
:
metals,
duration
Mandir a
regular Pakoda/Bhel month
stones)
1
hour
National
Samosa/Bread per
1000/-(no
)
Highways
/
Iskcon
gap worth
of
Temple 3
Rs.
(on
days 10
/-
weekends)
• Visits to Shopping Malls and BARISTA every weekend (On your own expense)
A Pair of Jeans or T-shirts according to demand will be gifted, subject to finance availability and to the size available with the shopkeeper.
Net Deductions (Monthly): Affair Fund and un-professional taxes will be informed on joining The probation period is 6 months, after which confirmation (with Promotion to fulltime Girlfriend)
Please 1.
NOTE: Only
females.
2.
Girls
who
left
in
the
last
2
months
need
not
apply.
3. Ex-girlfriends will be eligible only if they agree to the above mentioned conditions.
There
is
more:
For girls who are not eligible, can take advantage of the referral program by referring their friends, colleagues etc.
Candle light or Tube light dinner will be given on every referral, even if candidate is not selected.
Search
never
ends!!
Interested candidates can send their resume with
Subject: Name/fresher-exp/age. Photo
must
be
in
attachment
to
the
email
address
via
mail
Note: Applications without photo will be rejected.
Comments (12)
Joke: A husband is what is left of... Posted on March 29, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve is extracted - Helen Rowland
Comments (1)
Joke: Kaam wali bai asked about sex in village Posted on March 28, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Kaam
Malkin
wali
bai
said:
says
to
Tere
malkin
after
gawon
seeing mein
condom sex
on
bed:
nahi
Yeh karte
kya
hai? kya?
Kaam wali bai: Karte hai malkin per itna nahi ke lund ki khal nikal jaye!
Comments (3)
Joke: What is a good marriage? Posted on March 27, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. - Michel de Montaigne
Comments (0)
Joke: Men are like chocolate bars Posted on March 26, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Men are like chocolate bars.... sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
Comments (0)
Joke: Englishman and American aboard Cruise liner Posted on March 25, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
An Englishman and an American are lying side-by-side on deck chairs aboard a cruise liner. Soon enough they strike up a conversation, which begins with the American ticking off the Englishman saying, "You English are all so tight-arsed. You've got to learn how to loosen up a bit. You'all set yourselves apart too much. Look at me for example, I have Italian blood, French blood, some Polish blood, a little Indian blood, and even some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"
The Englishman says, "That's very sporting of your mother."
Comments (1)
Joke: Best part about being the last man in the world? Posted on March 24, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Question. What's the best part about being the last man in the world?
Answer. You get to see if all those women were telling the truth...
Comments (3)
Joke: What do you call a guy with a one-inch dick? Posted on March 23, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Question. What do you call a guy with a one-inch dick?
Answer. Justin!
Comments (0)
Joke: True meaning of being Pretty Drunk Posted on March 22, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Nikhil bumped into his ex in the club. She said, "Sorry, I'm pretty drunk." He said, "Yeah, you're right, you are pretty when I'm drink."
Comments (0)
Joke: The LAAL factor is... Posted on March 21, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
The "LAAL" factor is:
DARU
pio
KISS
karo
SEX KARTE
to
karo pakda
EYES
LAAL,
to
LIPS
LAAL,
to
LOLI
LAAL,
geya
to
GAND
AUR bach geya to Jio mere LAAL...
Comments (2)
Joke: Hindi class mein master ki pant ki zip khuli Posted on March 20, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Hindi class mein master ki pant ki zip khuli dekh ladkiyan zor se hasne lagi.
Master ji bole: Zyada he he ki to bahar nikaal kar khada kar dunga.
Comments (1)
Joke: 10 Things Not To Tell Your Girlfriend Posted on March 19, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
10. Come on, who's gonna find out?
9. I promise you wont choke.
8. Can I get you in the pooper?
7. Trust me, I'm a professional.
6. Well, your sister likes it like that.
5. Wow look at the ass on her!
4. Now why cant your boobs be that big?
3. I gotta poop.
2. Oh you forgot to shave today too?
LAAL,
1. I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.
Comments (0)
Joke: What is Fudi? Posted on March 18, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Fudi
is
a
maal
Made
up
of
khaal
Covered
by
Dekhne
baal
me
Inside
kamaal
se
Jo
chode
Jo
chudwaye
laal so wo
nihal behal
Aai samajh mein mere laal
Comments (9)
Joke: Husband running out naked Posted on March 17, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies, Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Shit! That must be my husband!'
So the guy quickly jumped out of the bed, scared and naked he jumped out the window like a crazy man. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush, then started to run as fast as he could to his car.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman 'I AM your husband, you slut!'
The woman yelled back, "Yeah??? Then why were you running.... you Son of a Bitch !!"
And that folks.... that is how the fight started.
Comments (1)
Joke: 1 Ladki at railway station Posted on March 16, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
1
ladki
Waiting
for
at
railway
half-an-hour
gets
station bored
coin nikala, coin weighing machine mein dala...
58 Kgs
coin Sandal
nikala utari,
side
mein
rakhkhi
coin weighing machine mein dala....
56 Kgs
coin Jacket
nikala utara,
side
mein
rakhkha
coin weighing machine mein dala....
53 Kgs
coin Dupatta
nikala utara,
side
mein
rakhkha
coin weighing machine mein dala....
52 Kgs
Coin khatam!
Side
mein
baitha
bhikari
"Tu chalu rakh. Coin main dalta hu"
Comments (3)
Joke: How does a woman scare a gynaecologist? Posted on March 15, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Question. How does a woman scare a gynaecologist?
Answer. By becoming a ventriloquist!
bola...
Comments (0)
Joke: God rewarding Joe and Bob Posted on March 14, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Joe and Bob were two very different people and had lived in the same valley for several years. Despite their differences, their relationship was one of amiable cooperation. One day, to reward them for their spirit of coexistence, God decided to pay a visit and reward them for their spirit of brotherly love.
God gathered the two men together and spoke to Joe, “I am very pleased with the cooperative spirit the both of you have demonstrated. Bob because being black in this day and age has proved to be a trying experience, I will reward you with exactly double everything I reward Joe. I am now happy to grant you your 5 fondest wishes.”
Joe, after thinking it over, wished he had a 50 room mansion erected on top of the mountain. Sure enough, on top of the eastern mountain, appeared a 50 room mansion. At the same time, for Bob, a 100 room mansion exactly twice the size of Joe’s mansion appeared on top of the western mountain.
Joe was very happy and Bob was absolutely elated. Bob informed Joe that they needed food and transportation. Joe agreed and, for his 2nd and 3rd wishes, requested God to fill the pantries with delicious wares and provide him with 10 different cars.
Agreeably, God filled the pantries of both mansions. In the garage of Joe’s mansion there appeared 10 different cars. In the garage of Bob’s mansion appeared 20 different cars.
Next, Bob prompted Joe about the 4th wish, “Women… we need women!”
Joe, agreeing, asked God to furnish his 4th wish as 50 of the world’s sexiest, most beautiful women. Instantly, standing in front of the Joe’s mansion were 50 of the sexiest, most beautiful women in the world. At the same time, standing in front of Bob’s mansion were 100 women, each twice as sexy and attractive as those given to Joe.
Both men were very happy and Bob danced around and exclaimed, “Go, Man! Make more wishes! Make more wishes! Oh, Lordy…this is our lucky day!…Every time you make a wish, I get twice as much…Wish, Man, Wish!”
Thinking the situation over, Joe turned to God and said, “Okay, for my 5th and final wish, I want you to remove ONE of my testicles!”
Comments (0)
Joke: Multiple Twins Posted on March 13, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.
She said, “Lets’ see now, there’s the twins, Sally and Billy, they’re eighteen. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they’re sixteen. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they’re fourteen… ”
“Hold on!” said the census taker, “Did you get twins EVERY time?”
The woman answered, “Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn’t get nothing.”
Comments (0)
Joke: Lady fucking on vacation in the Caribbean Posted on March 12, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
A lady goes on vacation alone to the Caribbean wishing her husband had been able to join her.
Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate lovemaking she asks him, “What is your name?”
“I can’t tell you!” the black man says.
Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he cannot tell her. On her last night there she asks again, “Can you please tell me your name?”
“I can’t because you will make fun of me!” the black man says.
“There is no reason for me to laugh at you,” the lady says.
“Fine, my name is Snow” the black man replies.
And the lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says, “I knew you would make fun of it.”
The lady replied, “It’s my husband that won’t believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow every day in the Caribbean!”
Comments (2)
Joke: New Husband Posted on March 11, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
In a small town in the old country the Rabbi died. His widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again. But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher. The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education. However, she agreed and they were married.
After the marriage Friday came. They went to the Mikva. Then home to prepare to light the candles.
The butcher leaned over to her and said, “My mother told me that after the Mikva and before lighting he candles, it’s a mitzvah to have sex.”
So they did. She lit the candles. He leaned over again and said, “My father told me that after lighting the candles it’s good to have sex.”
So they did. They went to bed after prayers to get ready for Shabbos. When they awoke he said to her, “My grandmother said that before you go to the synagogue it’s a mitzvah to have sex.” So they did. After praying all day, they came home to rest, and again he whispers in her ear, “My grandfather says after praying it’s a mitzvah to have sex.”
So they did. On Sunday she goes out to shop for food and meets a friend who asks, “So how is the new husband?”
She replies, “Well, he is no scholar, but he comes from a wonderful family.”
Comments (1)
Joke: New English to Hindi Dictionary Posted on March 10, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
New English to Hindi Dictionary:
Selfish
:
Stupid
:
Hatred
Lund :
Flatter
: : Away
Jana
Tattay
Uthana
Maan
Chodna
Jhaantain Mera
Marna
Latak
:
Jealous
Aadmi Pay
Tattay :
Blunder
Running
Lund
:
Frustrated
Refusal
Chootiya
Jal Lund
:
Karta Gaand
Jana Hai Dikhana
Deception : Harami Pana
Comments (8)
Joke: Grammar Lesson Posted on March 9, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked the class for a show of hands from those who could use the word “beautiful” in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on Little Mona, who responded with, “My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.”
“Very good, Mona,” replied the teacher. She then called on Michael. “My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully,” he said.
“Excellent, Michael!”
Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny…
Last night, during supper, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, “Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!”
Comments (0)
Joke: Ladies Man Posted on March 8, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Daniel fancied himself quite a ladies man, so when his cruise ship went down in a storm and he found himself stranded on a desert island with six women, he couldn’t believe his good fortune. They quickly agreed that each woman would have one night a week with the only man.
Daniel threw himself into the arrangement with gusto, working even on his day off, but as the weeks stretched into months, he found himself looking forward to that day of rest more and more eagerly.
One afternoon he was sitting on the beach and wishing for some more men to share his duties when he caught sight of a man waving from a life raft that was bobbing on the waves. Daniel swam out, pulled the raft to shore, and did a little jig of happiness.
“You can’t believe how happy I am to see you,” he cried.
The new fellow eyed him up and down and cooed, “You’re a sight for sore eyes, too, you gorgeous thing!”
“Crap,” sighed Daniel, “there go my Sundays.”
Comments (0)
Joke: Wife not moaning during sex! Posted on March 7, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Stuart comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. “I found out from Mrs. Smith that you’ve been having an affair with that chippie secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Haven’t I always been the good wife? I’ve cooked for you, raised your children, and I’ve always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven’t I done to make you happy?”
Embarrassed, Stuart confesses, “It’s true, Sadie, you’ve been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don’t moan when we have sex!”
Sadie questions, “If I moaned when we had sex, you’d stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sex!”
So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets. As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, “Now, Stuart, should I moan now?”
“No not yet.”
Stuart begins fondling Sadie. “What about now, Stuart? Should I moan now?” “No, I’ll tell you when!”
He climbs on top of Sophie and begins to have intercourse.
“Is it time for me to moan, Stuart?”
“Wait, I’ll tell you when.”
Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax, Stuart yells, “Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!”
“OY! You wouldn’t BELIEVE what a day I had!”
Comments (0)
Joke: The Witty Clerk Posted on March 6, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
A woman went to a market in Mexico and very loudly and obnoxiously demanded a half a melon. The clerk told her politely that the melons were only sold whole, but she continued to rant about only wanting a half melon. The clerk excused himself and went to the back of the store to talk to the manager.
Not realizing that the customer had followed him. He told the manager, “A loud, rude, and obnoxious woman wants me to sell her a half a melon.”
He instantly realized that the woman was right behind him, and quickly aded, “And this nice lady wants to buy the other half.”
The manager cut the melon in half, sold it to the woman and, as she happily left the store, he turned to the clerk and complimented him on his quick reactions and his calmness under pressure.
“I am opening another store in Veracruz and I think you would be the perfect man to manage the whole operation,” he told the clerk.
“Veracruz!” said the clerk, “Who would want to live in Veracruz? There is nothing there except baseball players and whores.”
“My wife comes from Veracruz!” responded the boss.
“Oh” said the clerk. “And does your wife bat right-handed or left-handed?”
Comments (3)
Joke: Chinese Sex Posted on March 5, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it.
When finished, the Chinese runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into the bed with the hooker and commences a repeat performance.
The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter.
When finished, the Chinese jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into the bed with the hooker and starts again.
The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times.
During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself. So when they were done she jumps up, goes to the window, and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed,…and……finds four Chinese men.
Comments (3)
Joke: Farewell Luncheon Posted on March 4, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
The staff at the office where my wife works was hosting a farewell luncheon for a retiring colleague. As the group prepared to go to the restaurant, they found that they couldn’t fit the giant balloon they had purchased for the guest of honor into the car.
Determined to bring it along, they simply held the balloon out the window as they drove to the luncheon location.
However they weren’t prepared for the glares and dirty looks they were getting from pedestrians and adjoining cars at every intersection.
As the long line of traffic in front of their vehicle began to turn, they discovered that their car was right behind a long funeral procession.
There was really nothing they could do but hold on to the balloon with its large farewell message:
"GONE, BUT NOT FORGOTTEN"
Comments (0)
Joke: Miniscule Erection Posted on March 3, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
A young man told his doctor that he was very embarrassed about the size of this penis and that potential sexual partners laughed at him.
On examination, the willie certainly was weenie. The doctor established that the man had no trouble appealing to women, talking with them, inviting them back to his apartment, or he to theirs.
He suggested that perhaps he should try undressing with the lights out and slowly introducing his potential partner’s hand to the smallish member so as not to shock.
The bloke thought it was worth a try as mates kept telling him size didn’t matter and he was loathe to undergo penile enlargement surgery.
That weekend an attractive young lady accepted his invitation back to his apartment… the lights very dimmed very low during passionate moments of undressing, the girls hand was guided towards the miniscule erection.
In the dark she whispered, “No thanks, I don’t smoke!”
Comments (3)
Joke: Three ladies are sitting in a bar Posted on March 2, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Three ladies are sitting in a bar. All of them have husbands named Larry. One lady asks, "If you could name your husband after any soda pop, what would it be?"
The first lady thinks for a minute and says, "Moutain Dew, because he can mount and do me anytime."
The second lady thinks for awhile and finally says, "7-Up, because he has seven inches and can always get it up."
The third lady thinks for a long time and finally says, "Jack Daniels."
The other ladies look at her with a confused look and say, "Wait a minute, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor."
The third lady says, "Yep, thats my Larry!"
Comments (0)
Joke: When a lady tells you that you are... Posted on March 1, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
When
a
lady
tells
Great, Attractive, Articulate, Nice, Dynamic, Understanding ….means G.A.A.N.D.U.
you
that
you
are
Comments (0)
Joke: A Guide to U.S. Newspapers Posted on February 28, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
1.
The
2.
The
Wall
New
Street
York
Journal
Times
is
is
read
read
by
by
the
people
people
who
who
think
run
they
run
the
country.
the
country.
3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country. 4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however like the smog statistics shown in pie charts. 5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could
spare
the
time,
and
if
they
didn't
have
to
leave
L.A.
to
do
it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country. 7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and
don't
really
care
as
long
as
they
can
get
a
seat
on
the
train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country either, as long
as
they
do
something
really
scandalous,
preferably
while
intoxicated.
9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority, feministic atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are democrats. 10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.
Comments (0)
Joke: Boys peeking into their parents bedroom Posted on February 27, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our
room
for
a
little
while."
Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes
him
up
to
peek
into
the
bedroom.
"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who paddled our butts just for sucking our thumbs."
Comments (1)
Joke: Bear It From Behind Posted on February 26, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
There once was a bear hunter who was having no luck in finding his quarry. All at once, he felt
a
tap
on
his
shoulder
from
behind.
It
was
a
huge
grizzly
bear.
The hunter's shock was increased when the bear spoke to him. "You are hunting me, I'll bet", said the bear. "You may choose your punishment. Either I will maul you to death or fuck you up
the
arse!"
The hunter didn't want to die, so he consented to give the bear the pleasure of his booty. The bear
left
satisfied
and
the
hunter
returned
to
his
cabin.
The next day, the hunter decided to kill the bear for revenge. But, as luck would have it, the grizzly found him first. Once again, the hunter felt the tap on his shoulder and the bear made his request. The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and took what the beast had to offer. The third day, the hunter was really irate and decided he would torture and kill that bear! Once more, though, the bear was the better hunter. When the man felt the familiar tap on his shoulder, he expected to hear the grizzly's offer of a choice again, but this time the bear just said, "You're not really into this for the hunting anymore, are you?!
Comments (1)
Joke: Two sperms talking to each other Posted on February 25, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Two sperms talking to each other the first say "when I develop I will become a doctor", the second says "when I develop I'll be an engineer for sure". The man goes in the toilet and masturbates, they both say "saaley ne career barbaad kar diya."
Comments (4)
Joke: Making love to beautiful woman is like hanging wallpaper Posted on February 24, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.
Comments (0)
Joke: Making love to beautiful woman is like laying carpet Posted on February 23, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Laying a carpet is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.
Comments (0)
Joke: Making love to beautiful woman is like making Coffee Posted on February 22, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir... gently, and firmly.
You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.
Comments (0)
Joke: Missing Husband Posted on February 21, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4 inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yeah, but who wants HIM back?"
Comments (1)
Joke: Making love to beautiful woman is like Fishing Posted on February 20, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied.
Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.
Comments (1)
Joke: Getting Lucky Posted on February 19, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
The sky is blue, grass is green, harder the fuck the louder the scream, louder the scream the better the fuck, give me a ring you might be in luck.
Comments (0)
Joke: Is Bus male or female? Posted on February 18, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
There is a classroom of some small children (5-7yrs), with a genius boy, Bablu and a smart one, Pappu.
The dialogue between the two and the teacher goes something like this:
Bablu: Teacher, teacher! Is Bus male or female?
Teacher : Thinking.......
Pappu: Teacher, teacher! It is female.
Bablu : Kyon?
Pappu: Kyon ki sab log uspe chadte hain.
Teacher is pareshan. While Bablu gets in doubt.
Bablu: Agar bus female hai aur sab uspe chadte hain to uske bacche kyon nahin hote?
Teacher is more pareshan.
Pappu: Kyon ki sab us par peeche se chadte hain.
Teacher is now hiding her face. Bablu gets another doubt.
Bablu: Maana sabhi peeche se chadte hain, but driver aur conductor to aagay se chadte hain. Phir bachche kyon nahin hote?
Teacher is sweating as it is getting too much to handle.
Pappu replies : Kyon ki woh dono topi pehanke chadte hain.
Teacher faints!
Comments (19)
Joke: Warm Lover Posted on February 17, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
John was talking to his fiancee, Rebecca, and he said, “Be honest, now, baby. How am I as a lover?”
To which she replied, “Honey, I would definitely say that you’re warm.”
“Really?” he said excitedly.
“Yes, in fact I would say that you’re the dictionary definition of the word "warm".”
John was pleased until he went home and, just for fun, checked his dictionary and found, “WARM: Not so hot.”
Comments (1)
Joke: Valentine's Day is weird Posted on February 16, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Valentine's Day is weird. It's the one day of the year where girls get anonymous mail from a stranger basically saying "I'd like to fuck you" and they go, "Awwww..."
Comments (0)
Joke: Valentine's Day is... Posted on February 15, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Valentine's Day is...
Flowers:
Rs.
Dinner
and
Hotel
300
Movie:
room
afterwards:
Rs.
900
Rs.
2,000
The look on your face when she says she's on her period: Fucking Priceless.
Comments (10)
Joke: How to make a book a bestseller? Posted on February 14, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Teacher:
What
should
be
in
a
book
to
make
it
a
bestseller?
Pappu: A girl on the cover and no cover on the girl.
Comments (0)
Joke: Pappu asking Santa about mother tongue Posted on February 13, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Pappu, while filling up a form: Dad, what should I write against mother tongue? Santa: Very long!
Comments (0)
Joke: Santa asking Boss for salary increase Posted on February 12, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Santa:
Sir
hun
meri
salary
wada
diyo,
mera
vyah
ho
gaye
hai.
Boss: Factory de bahar hon wale hadseyan layi factory jimmevar nahin hundi.
Comments (0)
Joke: Bull fucking 300 times a year Posted on February 11, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Wife read a book and tells her husband, a bull fucks 300 times a year. You don't do quarter of Husband: Does the book say the bull fucks the same cow?
Comments (0)
that.
Joke: Lady asking time to Santa Posted on February 10, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Lady:
Time
kitna
Banta:
hua
hai?
Bra
Lady:
Time
Panties.
poocha
hai
Nonsense.
Banta: Time hi to bataya hai 12:35
Comments (1)
Joke: Santa telling Jeeto about being mad Posted on February 9, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Santa:
Agar
Jeeto:
tumhe
kuch
Doosri
ho
gaya
shaadi
to
mein
to
Pagal
ho
nahin
jaaunga. karogey?
Santa: Pagal ka kya hai, kuch bhi kar sakta hai.
Comments (0)
Joke: Santa roz subah clinic ke bahar khade Posted on February 8, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Lady Doc: Tum roz subah clinic ke bahar khade kar auraton ko kyon ghoorte ho? Santa: Ji aap hi ne bahar likha hai: Auraton ko dekhne ka samay 9am - 11am.
Comments (2)
Joke: Drunk Santa knocks door Posted on February 7, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Sharaabi
Santa
Santa Wife:
knocks
the
door
asks: How
of
his
house.
His
Who dare
you
wife
opens
are forget
your
Comments (0)
Joke: Lady Secretary taking call from wife Lady Secretary: Sir, it’s your wife’s call. She wants to kiss you on the phone.
Santa: Take message and give me later.
Comments (3)
door. you?
Santa: Nasha har gam ko bhula deta hai.
Posted on February 6, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
the
wife?
Joke: Santa talking to son about Sex Posted on February 5, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Santa to his son: I think it’s right time we should talk about sex!
Pappu: Sure dad, what do you wanna know…?
Comments (0)
Joke: Ladki ne nikala plastic ka lund Posted on February 4, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Ladki
ko
Usne
nikala
Use
lagi
plastic
ka
bhigoya
Fir
thand, lund,
thuk
dala
apni
Shuru
mein, choot
mein,
hogai
chudai,
Aapko 10 din pehle Valentine ki Badhai!
Comments (9)
Joke: Jeeto asking Santa to stop looking at girls Posted on February 3, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Jeeto
to
Santa:
Stop
looking
at
girls,
you
are
married
now.
Santa: You mean if I am on diet, I can’t look at the menu also?
Comments (1)
Joke: Santa having twins Posted on February 2, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Nurse:
Congrats:
Santa:
Ye
Apke
to
jurwa
bete hona
hue hi
hain. tha.
Nurse:
Kyon?
Santa: Jab dekho KBC PART-2 dekhti rahti thi, Mil gaya na UMEED SE DUGNA
Comments (0)
Joke: Mahila mein sabse pehle kya dekhte hain Posted on February 1, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Interviewer:
Aap
kisi
MAHILA
mein
sabse
pehle
kya
dekhte
Santa: O ji, wo is baat par depend karta hai ki woh aa rahi hai ya jaa rahi hai?
hain?
Comments (0)
Joke: Baniye shayar ne arz kiya Posted on January 31, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Moorkh
tha
Shahjahan
jo
kar
gaya
kharcha
itna
TAJ
par,
Kambakht har din ek nayi Mumtaz aa jati us kharche ke BYAAZ par.
Santa
and
Santa:
Look
Banta so
were many
looking
bandages,
at pakka
Egyptian lorry
mummy.
accident
case.
Banta: Aaho, lorry number is also written… BC 1760 !!!
Nature
has
many
laws
that
hold
fast
and
true.
For example, a baby ape will always grow-up to be an ape. Likewise, a baby baboon will become A A
an
baby
pig
baby
A
puppy
A
mongrel
will
jackass
adult mature
into
will
quickly pup
baboon.
a
always
full
grown
become
a
pig. jackass.
matures
into
a
dog.
develops
into
a
cur.
Yet oddly enough, women say a young man may grow-up to be any one of these.
Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation. They
begin
to
talk
and
bring
each
other
up
to
date.
The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their
sex
lives.
Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?" Sally Sue
replies
"It's
just
great,
ever is
since
we
got
into
S&M." aghast.
"Really
Sally,
I
never
"Oh,
would
have
guessed
sure,"
that
you
would
go
for
says
that." Sally,
"He Snores while I Masturbate."
Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says... "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than daddy's!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I just saw daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"
Question. What do you call a Lesbian Dinosaur?
Answer. A Lickalotopuss.
Santa Santa
aur raat
Jeeto
mein ko
larai phone
ho
gayi, pay:
Santa
ghar
Khanay
Jeeto:
se
mein
chala kia
gaya. hai? Zehar.
Husb: Main dair se aaonga, tum kha kar so jana.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good, is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
Question. Why is 69 position called as smokers style?
Answer. Because while she is enjoying cigar, he is cleaning ashtray.
Girl:
"Forgive
Priest:
me
"What
Girl:
"I
Priest:
"Why
Girl:
father have
called
man
you
this?"
done
my
child?"
a
of
(As
a
son
of
he
bitch." a
bitch?"
my
hand."
touches
her
hand)
"Yes
Priest:
"Thats
Girl:
no
reason
to
"Then
Priest:
call
he
"Like
this?"
father." a
man
a
son
touched (as
Girl:
he
of
a
my
"Thats
Girl:
no
reason
"Then
father."
to
call
he
Priest:
"Like
touched
her
breast) father."
him
took this?"
(as
Girl:
a
son
off he
of
a
my
takes
off
"Then
no
he
reason
stuck
his
to you
call know
bitch." clothes,
her
clothes)
"Yes "Thats
bitch." breast."
"Yes
Priest:
Girl:
sinned."
touched
Girl:
Priest:
have
son
him
he
"Like
I
a
call
"Because
Priest:
you
a
did
for
father." him what
a into
son my
of you
a
bitch."
know
where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl: Priest: Girl:
"Yes "Thats
no
"Then
reason he
to
call
pumped
father." him me
a fast
son
of and
a
bitch." furious..."
Priest: The priest pumps her fast and says "Thats no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl:
"YES
FATHER,
YES
FATHER,
YES
FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "Ahh... Thats no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl:
"But
father
he
had
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
At one time in my life, I thought I understood the meaning of the word “service.”
AIDS!"
The act of doing things for other people. Then I heard the terms: Internal Revenue Service, Postal Service, Civil Service, Service Stations, Customer Service, City Public Service, and I became confused about the word “service.” This is not what I thought “Service” meant.
Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull “Service” a few of his cows.
WHAM!! It all came into perspective! Now I understand what all those “Service” agencies are doing to us.
Brave, Intelligent, Gentle, Polite, Energetic, Nutty, Industrious, Sensitive.
And if all else fails, read the CAPITAL LETTERS only!
A blonde in Alaska decides to go ice fishing. So she packs up his stuff and goes out onto the ice. She starts sawing a hole in the ice, and a loud booming voice says, YOU WILL FIND NO FISH UNDER The
THAT blonde
The
voice
The
blonde
looks repeats,
looks
up
up, YOU
WILL
again
and
ICE.
ignores
it,
FIND says,
NO Is
this
and FISH God
continues UNDER trying
to
on.
THE
ICE.
warn
me?
The voice says NO, I M THE MANAGER OF THIS ICE RINK.
One day there was this blonde that pulled up to a gas station. She filled her car with gas then went to the gas station clerk. Then she asked him for a hanger. The clerk asked her why and she replied that she locked her keys in the car. So the clerk gave the blonde the hanger. Thirty minutes later the clerks sees the same blonde outside. So the clerk decides to help them
out.
The
blonde
says,
“No
thanks.”
All of a sudden there was another blonde in the car saying, “A little bit to the left.”
A
window
salesman
telephoned
his
blonde
customer.
“Ms. Brown, our company replaced all your windows with triple-glazed models more than a year
ago,
and
we
still
haven't
received
a
single
payment.”
“But,”, the blonde protested, “You promised me they would pay for themselves in 12 months.”
Three blonde fishermen are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the
water.
A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me, I’d “We
like
to
don’t
have
see
your
any,”
fishing
replied
the
licenses.”
first
fisherman.
“Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses,” said the Game Warden. “But officer,” replied the second fisherman, “we aren’t fishing. We all have magnets at the end
of
our
lines
and
we’re
collecting
debris
off
the
bottom
of
the
river.”
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied
on
the
end
of
each
line.
“Well, I know of no law against it,” said the Game Warden, “take all the debris you want.” And
with
that,
the
Game
Warden
left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three fishermen started laughing hysterically. “What a dumb Fish Cop,” the fisherman, said to the other two. “Doesn’t he know that there are Steelhead trout in this river?!”
Polygon of Womanly Virtue
Wherein it is related how that Polygon of Womanly Virtue, young Polly Nomial (our heroine) is accosted by that Notorious Villian Curly PI, and factored (oh horrors!).
Once upon a time (1/T) Pretty Polly Nomial was strolling across a field of vectors when she came to the boundary of a singularly large matrix. Now Polly was convergent and her mother had made it an absolute condition that she never enter such an array without her brackets on. Polly, however, who had changed her variables that morning and was feeling particularly badly behaved, ignored this condition on the basis that it was insufficient, and made her way amongst the complex elements. Rows and columns closed in from all sides. Tangents approached her surface. She became tensor and tensor. Quite suddenly, two branches of a hyperbola touched her at a single point. She oscillated violently, lost all sense of directrix, and went completely divergent. As she reached a turning point, she tripped over a square root that was protruding from the erf and plunged headlong down a steep gradient. When she rounded off once more, she found herself inverted, apparently alone, in a non-euclidean space.
She was being watched, however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi, was lurking innerproduct. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear coordinates, a singular expression crossed his face. He wondered, was she still convergent? He decided to integrate improperly at once.
Hearing a common fraction behind her, Polly rotated and saw Curly Pi approaching with his power series extrapolated. She could see at once by his degenerate conic and dissipative terms that he was bent on no good.
"Arcsinh!" she gasped..
"Ho, Ho," he said. "What a symmetric little asymptote you have. I can see your angles have lots of secs."
"Oh, Sir," she protested, "keep away from me. I haven't got my brackets on."
"Calm yourself, my dear," said our suave operator. "Your fears are purely imaginary."
"i, i," she thought. "Perhaps he's not normal, but homologous."
"What order are you?" the brute demanded.
"Seventeen," replied Polly.
Curly leered, "I suppose you've never been operated on."
"Of course not," Polly replied quite properly, "I'm absolutely convergent!"
"Come, come," said Curly. "Let's off to a decimal place I know and I'll take you to the limit."
"Never!" gasped Polly.
"Abscissa!!!" he swore, using the vilest oath he knew. His patience was gone. Coshing her over the coefficient with a natural log until she was powerless, Curly removed her discontinuities. He stared at her significant places, and began smoothing out her points of inflection. Poor Polly. The algoritmic method was now her only hope. She felt his hand tending toward her asymptotic limit. Her convergence would soon be gone forever.
There was no mercy, for Curly was a heavyside operator. Curly's radius squared itself; Polly's locii quivered. He integrated her by parts. He integrated her by fractions. After he cofactored, he performed Runge-Cutta on her. The complex beast even went all the way around and did a contour integration. Curly went on operating until he had satisfied her hypothesis. Then, he exponentiated and became completely orthogonal.
When Polly got home that night, her mother noticed that she was no longer piecewise continuous, but had been truncated in several places. But, it was too late to differentiate now. As the months went by, Polly's denominator increased monotonically. Finally, she went to L'Hopital and generated a small but pathological function which left surds all over the place and drove Polly to deviation.
The moral of the sad story is this:
"If you want to keep your expressions convergent, never allow them a single degree of freedom."
The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing. It's called the stock market - Jay Leno
A blonde brought her baby to a doctor. After examining, the doctor right away determined that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for eardrops.
In the directions he wrote, “Put two drops in right ear every four hours” and he abbreviated “right” as an R with a circle around it.
Several days passed, and the blonde returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.
The doctor looked at the bottle of eardrops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label:
Put two drops in R ear every four hours.
A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at a large gathering, and his blonde hostess broached a subject of which the doctor was most at ease.
“Doctor, would you mind telling me,” she asked, “how you detect a mental deficiency in someone who appears completely normal?”
“Nothing is easier,” he replied. “You ask a simple question, one which anyone should be able to answer without any problem. If he or she hesitates, that puts you on the track.”
“What sort of question?” asked the hostess.
“Well, you might ask, Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?” the doctor replied.
The blonde thought for a moment, then said, “You wouldn’t happen to have another example, would you? I’ve never known very much about history!”
Question. What do women and tax forms have in common?
Answer. Men love to cheat on them.
A woman was arrested for shop lifting when she went before the judge in Birmingham, he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6. The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say Something. The judge said, "What is it?" The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
Santa: What kind of a wife do you want?
Pappu: Exactly like moon, which appears in the night and disappears in the morning!
Question. What four letter word starts with F and ends with K and if a man can’t get it he uses his hands?
Answer. Fork
A Sardar furniture dealer decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris (this being his
first trip ever to the French capital), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a new range of furniture that he thought would sell well back home in India.
To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a pub and have a glass of wine.
As he sat down enjoying his wine, soon enough, a very beautiful attractive young lady came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned towards the chair.
He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in Hindi, Punjabi & English, but she did not speak or know any of these languages. So, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.
They left the pub and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Then, after they were back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a bed. Would you believe...
Till this day, the Sardar has no idea how she figured out that he was in the furniture business!!!!!
Samunder kinare baithe hain .... Kabhi to lehar aayegi...
Kismat badle na badle .... GAAND to dhul jayegi.
A girl came back home from the school and asked her grandmother, “Granny, what is a lover?” “A
lover?”
the
grandmother
said.
“Let
me
think.
Lov….
Lover….
Oh,
my
God!”
She rushed to the wall, pulled aside the hanging rug, revealing a hidden closet door. She unlocked the door, and a skeleton of a young man fell out from the closet.
People
who
do
People
who
People
who
lots do
of
work…make
lots
of
mistakes,
less
work…make
less
mistakes,
no
work…make
no
mistakes,
do
People who make no mistakes…get promoted.
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the cigarettes I smoked, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the cigarette and think about the workers in the cigarette factory and all of their hopes and dreams. If I dont smoke this cigarette, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered, then I say to myself, it’s better that I smoke this cigarette and let their dreams come true then be selfish and worry about my LUNGS.
When the best actors are chosen by other actors, it’s called the Oscars. When the best actors are chosen by the people, it’s called an Election.
One of the biggest problems of the world is that the stupid ones are damn sure and the intelligent ones are full of doubts!
Easiest
way
1.
Have
2.
Have
a
cigar
drinks
to
daily daily
-
you you
3. But love someone truly - you will die daily!
Prostitution is a "hole sale" business.
will will
die die
die: 10 30
years
early.
years
early.
Call
girl:
Hotel
Rs:
room:
10000
Rs.
Condom:
1000
Rs.
10
Erection:
??
. . . . . There are some things money can't buy, for everything else, there's MASTERCARD!
Question.
What
is
the
difference
between
Poetry
and
Essay?
Answer. Any Word uttered by a Girlfriend is Poetry while anything said by a Wife is an ESSAY!
Every Lady hopes that her daughter will marry a Better Man than she did and is convinced that her son'll never find a wife as Good as his father did!
Husband comes home from Church, greets his wife, lifts her up and carries her around the house. Wife: Did the Pastor preach about being romantic? Husband: No, he said we must carry our burdens.
Chinese
track
coach
was
asked
how
they
are
producing
such
fast
runners.
Coach: It’s really quite simple, we use real bullets in our starting guns!
A blind man goes into a whorehouse and asks for a girl. The madam figures, since he's blind, she'll just give him an inflatable, lifesize doll -- he won't know the difference. So the man goes in the room with the inflatable girl and comes outfive minutes later. The madam asks him what happened and he says, “I slapped her ass, she farted and blew out the window.”
Adam and Eve were standing opposite to each other when Adam got his first erection. The two watched, astonished, until Adam suddenly exclaimed, “Move aside -- I don't know how far its gonna go.”
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