John Eckhardt Rejection

REJECTION These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

What is rejection? Rejection as defined by the English dictionary means to dismiss as inadequate, inappropriate or not up to one’s tastes or standards. This results in the failure to show due affection or concern for someone. This word rejection is actually derived from a Latin word that has the literal meaning, “thrown back.” It has been experienced by all people, in all cultures, throughout all of time with its’ most profound effects realized when received from an emotionally significant individual or group.

What does rejection look like? Rejection takes on various forms with varying degrees of impact. Rejection can be blatant and harsh, or subtle and uncertain. Rejection can be very real and intentional, or it may be perceived through misinterpretation. Whether intentional or not, rejection is the bottom line interpretation when someone fails to fulfill an expectation of meeting our core needs of love, acceptance, significance, or security. Rejections are a double-edged sword. Sin puts the sword in the hands of others to wound us out of their selfishness or self protection, but it also puts the sword in our own hands to self inflict wounds as we put others in the place of god to meet our core needs.

Interpretation of rejection A person’s response to rejection is more varied than the reception of the various forms of rejection. We will look at some predictable and common ones but suffice it to say, everybody’s flesh patterns (strategies of self edification, self assurance, self worth, or self-protections) are strongholds of beliefs with their foundations and mortar comprised of rejection experiences. Everyone’s strategy in his or her quest to satisfy their basic needs that were designed to be met by God has been altered or tainted by their experienced reflections. We, therefore, need to know and understand the dynamics of rejection in order to truly be able to renew our minds to holiness.

© Christian Life Ministries 2012 1

Common Forms of Rejection OVERT Overt rejection may be defined as an open or obvious behavior that conveys the message that one is unwanted, unloved, or does not have value. *

Physical Abandonment ! Desertion ! Divorce ! Neglect

*

Physical Abuse ! Beatings / Burns ! Sexual ! Denial of physical needs as punishment

*

Emotional Abandonment ! Constant criticism ! Unfavorable comparison to others ! Withdrawal of love and affections due to real or perceived poor performance ! Harsh disciple / Overly strict boundaries ! Teasing / Unfavorable nicknames ! Denial of physical needs as punishment

© Christian Life Ministries 2012 2

COVERT Covert rejection may be defined as a subtle suggestion or displeasure, disappointment, or non-interest in a person or their actions. It may be implied or unintended, a result of an action or even a non-action, or it can be real or imagined.

*

*

Emotional Abandonment • Death • Chronic physical or mental illness of a significant person (parent, sibling, child, spouse, etc.) • Incarceration • Separation because of job and/or military service

Emotional Abandonment • Being ignored • Being over-protected • Conditional love • Taking back seat to work, interests, or even church • No boundaries, no disciple • Handicaps / Deformities • Subtle comparisons to siblings / peers • Suicide of family member

Rejection can come from anywhere, but it is significantly more damaging when it is experienced through someone relationally close and trusted. Someone who, in the design of God, is to be a source of His love and acceptance. The most significant of these are parents, siblings, extended family, and peers.

© Christian Life Ministries 2012 3

© Christian Life Ministries 2012 4

© Christian Life Ministries 2012 5

Effects of Rejection The following is a list of common effects from rejection experiences. It is not a comprehensive list nor do all symptoms manifest themselves with every person. These are just a few common symptoms expressed behaviorally. •

Undermines a persons self-esteem and self-confidence giving rise to: o Feelings of inferiority o Frustration o Sense of helplessness – insecurity – lack of worth o May wish they were never born

•

Breeds a mistrust of others resulting in: o Difficulty expecting people to be friendly or accepting o Doubts about the sincerity of others o Defensiveness – their guard is always up o Inability to receive love and acceptance from others

•

Marked difficulty believing and accepting God’s unconditional love

•

Impaired ability to give love o “You can’t give what you don’t possess” o Will seem detached, uncaring, and may even seem cold

•

Everything becomes subjective or about them o Conducts life on the basis of feelings – emotions and reality of a situation often don’t agree o Usually become excessively introspective o Leads to becoming judgmental toward themselves and others

•

Prone to bitterness, anger, and depression o Carry a sense of hurt o Often leads to self punishment (emotional and/or physical) o Can lead to anxiety (being of divided opinions)

•

Perfectionism

•

May have difficulty in making decisions – sometimes becoming passive o Do not want to disappoint or attract criticism from anyone o Chameleon personality – people pleasers (you really never know who they are) o May elect to become the “nice guy” - the one that everyone likes o In extreme cases they may become paralyzed by indecisiveness © Christian Life Ministries 2012 6

• •

An inability to express their feelings Set themselves up for rejection

•

Physical / Emotional isolation or insulation

•

Establishment of a victim mentality – it’s everybody else’s fault

•

Easily motivated by guilt

•

Lack of self-discipline – irresponsibility o This especially follows those that have been over protected or over indulged

•

Self-condemnation – self hatred – heightened since of guilt o A willingness to take the blame for everything

•

A strong desire for approval may lead to immoral relationships and decisions o “Looking for love in all the wrong places”

•

Become a “bottomless pit” for affection o Nothing the other person provides or does will ever be enough o They may try to suck the life out of you o Because of their unquenchable need(s) the other person will feel the need to “escape” and may run far and fast

© Christian Life Ministries 2012 7

Checklist: Attitudes and reactions a rejected person demonstrates toward their spouse and/or children

! Inability to express love ! Merely “tolerate” the other’s presence ! Use punishment to vent their hostility ! Spend minimal or no time with the spouse and/or children ! Open statements of rejection ! Verbal acceptance but expressions of emotional rejection ! Tend to make all decisions for the other person ! Provide too little guidance – stays detached ! Physical abuse ! Refusal to communicate ! Give more importance to other people or things ! Denial of the other’s right to have their own feelings and/or their own opinion ! Demonstrate intense rejection of those he/she identifies as being just like his/her rejecting parent(s)

© Christian Life Ministries 2012 8

Biblical Response/Solution to Rejection •

Understand, accept, and rest in the true character of God. Developing a relationship with the Abba Father will promote acceptance and trust in the Father.

•

Develop a biblical understanding of one’s new identity in Christ.

•

Walk in repentance from the victim mentality. Adopt the view that Joseph had when he said, “…you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result…” Genesis 50:20

•

Deal with bitterness through forgiveness.

•

Address lies and mental fortresses through repentance and renewing of the mind. May need to work through “Reclaiming the Past”. This may require the assistance of another.

•

Deal with any demonic or generational influences.

•

Learn how to express feelings in a healthy manner. This will usually bring up various fears and/or phobias that will need to be addressed.

•

Begin to take chances with relationships – entrusting the outcome to the Father. Walking in the Truth is essential to this step.

•

If you are helping someone with this problem be careful about letting him or her set you up for rejection – there will usually be something you will do to disappoint him or her.

•

•

Don’t let them drain you – set clear boundaries.

•

Don’t try to rescue or save them – remember that this is God’s job.

People with major rejection problems may be social misfits. •

You may need to tell them directly what is wrong and/or socially unacceptable. Make sure that this is wrapped in prayer.

•

You may need to do practical things with them (i.e. taking them shopping, role playing, etc.)

•

Teach them common etiquette and good manners. © Christian Life Ministries 2012 9

•

Helpful Scriptures: I Thessalonians 2:4, Galatians 1:10, I Peter 2:19-23, I Peter 3:14-17, John 15:19

© Christian Life Ministries 2012 10

REBELLION Rebellion is one of those behaviors that can be hard to define but easily recognized. It is also one of those characteristics that is quickly identified in others but often unrecognized or excused in ourselves. The Old Testament uses 4 primary Hebrew words that are defined as rebellion in the English language. The word carah has the meaning of defection or the abandoning of a loyalty or cause, in favor of another. This gives us the idea of withdrawing or turning aside from something or someone. The word meriy, which is derived from the Hebrew word marah, not only has the implication of disobedience, but also gives the picture of one that is argumentative, quarrelsome, headstrong, self-willed, and stubborn. Somewhat hidden in this word is the quality of bitterness. The third word used is merad, which is simply defined as rebellion or revolt. The last word – pesha – tells us that rebellion is a breach of trust or leads people to infringe upon or to go beyond an established boundary. When directly using the word rebellion, the New Testament employs 3 words. The word anupotaktos refers to those that are insubordinate, unsubdued and are not being subject to rule or authority. The Greek word apostrepho paints a picture of one who rejects and, subsequently, turns away from or turns back from something or someone. The third word used is antilogia that not only speaks of disobedience, but also implies that this person may be more active and will formally dispute or contradict authority.

Some faces of rebellion Blatant Rebellion •

• • • • •

This person falls under what the New Testament calls “lawlessness” [from the Greek word anomia which literally means without law]. o Romans 1:8-20, Hebrew 1:9, I John 3:4 They may be openly defiant and may be “in your face” about it. Because they are self-willed and headstrong they are usually quarrelsome and argumentative. They may place great value on being a nonconformist and openly display this through their words, actions, and life style. Independence is very important – they may be a defiant loner and may rather die than change. One has to wonder whether this person is a believer.

Arrogant Rebellion • •

This type of rebellion is grounded in pride. Rules, boundaries, etc. are only adhered to when they serve their own interests – otherwise these rules, boundaries, etc are beneath them and don’t apply to them. 1 © Christian Life Ministries 2012

•

• •

Usually these people are so proud of their opinions that they feel that everyone should have the privilege of hearing them – they may even have a tendency to rally others around their point of view. When they are silent there is a smugness and defiance – their mind is already made up. In the church these people are unsubmissive and may stimulate factions and divisions. o The Greek word for submission is hupotasso meaning to place in an orderly fashion under, or to subordinate.

Hedonistic Rebellion • • • •

This person’s pursuit is pleasure and sensual self-indulgence. They embrace relativism and reject absolutes – this allows them to establish their own kingdom and set their own rules. They will use defense mechanisms and choose lifestyles that will minimize pain and/or rejection. They are frequently manipulative and controlling.

Unpersuaded Rebellion/Disobedience • •

•

The word unbelief applies to these people. The Greek word apistia is translated unbelief and refers to an underlying faithlessness, uncertainty, distrust, and lack of acknowledgment of Christ and/or confidence of Christ’s power. (See Hebrew 3:12, 19.) Some of these people refuse to be persuaded and are obstinate [referred to as the sons of disobedience in Eph 2:2 and 5:6 – Greek word apeitheia] while others still have some openness but are yet to be persuaded.

Unattentive Rebellion/Disobedience • •

•

At times the line between rebellion and disobedience is hard to define, however, many of the results are the same. The Greek word parakoe [translated disobedience] means inattention, hearing amiss with the notion of subsequent active disobedience. This word is derived from the Greek word parakouo, which means to take no heed, to hear amiss, or to neglect to hear. The former word is used 3 times: Romans 5:19, II Corinthians 10:6, and Hebrew 2:2. This is the person described in James 1:22 as being a hearer and not a doer of the word.

2 © Christian Life Ministries 2012

Creative Rebellion • •

• •

The believer who walks according to the flesh resides in this category. These people tend to walk closely to boundaries; they may or may not cross the boundary. If they do cross the boundary they make sure that they can get back within it quickly so that they will not suffer any negative consequences. These people want the best of both words – both the blessing of Christ and of the world – while simultaneous avoiding the apparent “downside” of both. They believe that there are 3 ways of living their lives; God’s way, the way of the world that is driven by the devil, and their way.

Rebellion of the Victim The theme of this person’s life is that of being a victim and/or possessing bitterness. This is revealed in the Hebrew word marah translated rebellion. They feel that they are justified in their actions – whether they are within the bounds of scripture or not. =See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled… Hebrew 12:15

• •

Passive Rebellion • •

•

This may be called being “passive / aggressive” The following behaviors might be manifested: =Hard to motivate =Forgetfulness =Procrastination =Sulking – pouting =Being chronically late =Messiness =Goes to extremes to avoid confrontation =Wants help while simultaneously refusing it These behaviors can often be motivated by: fear, rejection, insecurity, people pleasing, etc.

The Effects of Rebellion • • • • •

Distortion of the relationship with and worship of God (Isaiah 58:1-3) Promotion of corruption, decay and deceitfulness (Proverbs 28:24) Breeds lack of respect and/or apathy (Psalm 36:10 Production of arrogance or someone becoming wise in their own eyes (Proverbs 3:6-7) Leads to foolishness (Proverbs 28:26) 3 © Christian Life Ministries 2012

• • • • • • •

•

•

Impairs one’s ability to know God’s ways – or what is right (Psalm 51:13) Illness (Psalm 107:17) A caviler attitude toward or disregard for God’s discipline (Heb 12:5) Increase in doubt resulting in double mindedness, leading to growing instability (James 1:6-7) Lack of appreciation and respect (Romans 1:21) Lack of thankfulness (Romans 1:21) Ephesians 4:17-19 presents a sequence of events resulting from walking in the “futility of their mind” (disregarding God’s ways): =Darkened understanding =Separation from the life (zoe) of God =Hardness of heart =Callousness =Being delivered over to sensuality (the enjoyment, expression, or pursuit of physical pleasure) Become servants of lust, impurity, degrading passions, and a depraved mind – we are delivered over to serve these things (Romans 1: 24-28 – “God gave them over to…”) Gives an opportunity or place of occupation for the enemy (I Samuel 15:23, Isaiah 30:1, Proverbs 17:11)

The solution 1) Make sure that what you are identifying truly is rebellion. •

Appreciate the difference between resistance and rebellion. A person may resist due to a lack of understanding. They may not realize the significance of an issue or event.

•

Anger must be dealt with since anger and rebellion can go hand in hand.

•

The crippling nature of unforgiveness may need to be addressed. This will allow individuals, when practicing forgiveness, to experience first hand God’s forgiveness. This encounter can melt even the hardest of hearts.

•

Working through forgiveness can help identify any root of bitterness that feeds any rebellion.

•

Fear can resemble rebellion. Fear can generate a tremendous and often overwhelming resistance to change. Addressing the fear and understanding one’s identity in Christ may enable and empower a person to walk in the truth of God’s word.

4 © Christian Life Ministries 2012

•

•

Significant rejection can also be a key to the rebellion domain. Rejection may also be grounded in an absent father syndrome. Knowing God as our Abba Father can thaw the frozen heart so that one can enter a trusting relationship. As a parent, consider and pray about the following: o Are you a poor authority figure? o Do you enter into power struggles with you child? o Are you trying to motivate your children out of anger, guilt and/or shame? o Are you exasperating or provoking you child to anger? o Is this an area of poor boundaries?

2) The way out of rebellion is always repentance!! (Repentance Diagram) •

This requires an honest and open appraisal of one’s behavior and motives. This is always a function of the Word of God (the sword) in the hands of the Holy Spirit. (Hebrew 4:12)

Remember that repentance is not an emotion, but a change of opinion and an act of the will. 3) Teach: •

The character of God

•

Submission – this is freedom and not weakness (I Peter 2:13-23)

•

Authority – based on love; not a desire to control (Luke 22:24-26, II Thessalonians 3:5)

•

Freedom – the power to do right not the right to do whatever I want (John 8:32-36, Galatians 5:1)

God working from the inside out!!! Certainly God confronts and disciplines rebellion. We, as counselors, must be willing to do no less. It is good to keep in mind Paul’s instructions in Romans 2:4 where he writes, “or do you think lightly of the riches of His kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that the kindness of God leads you to repentance?” Peter expresses the same point in II Peter 3:9 when telling us, “The Lord is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance.”

Listen and give heed, do not be haughty, for the Lord has spoken. Give glory to the Lord your God, before He brings darkness and before your feet stumble on the dusky mountains, and while you are hoping for light He makes it into deep darkness, and turns

5 © Christian Life Ministries 2012

it into gloom. But if you will not listen to it, my soul will sob in secret for such pride; and my eyes will bitterly weep and flow down with tears, because the flock of the Lord has been taken captive.

Jeremiah 13:17

6 © Christian Life Ministries 2012