Joe Frank - The Queen of Puerto Rico and Other Stories

THE QUEEN OF PUERTO RICO and Other Stories

JOE FRANK

t

ISBN 0-688-08765-5

FPT $18.00

Stories from the dark side by Joe Frank, "a radio artist in a field of one"

—LA. Weekly

THE QUEEN OF PUERTO RICO and Other Stories

•JOE FRANK* Joe Frank has been called "the apostle of radio noir." In this first collection of stories, he takes

us on an obsessive, violent, and sexual odyssey in which individual lives become emblematic of a larger spiritual crisis. He also captures on paper the same eerie speculation and humor he delivers in his late-night monologues on National Public Radio.

We

meet characters who have

jobs, not lead lives of half-steps, of rootlessness without cause. Frank's narratives result in a kaleidoscopic sense of time, wherein entire lives pass with a few brief moments of inchoate realization. Moments of comic lunacy blend with scenes of great poignancy and careers,

who

terror.

In the novella "Night," the protagonist

wanders through a series of odd jobs, through prison, to Vietnam, to become the right-hand man of a television evangelist, and without any more purpose approaches his own death. In "Fat Man," a college student travels across the country stealing brownies from roadside Howard Johnsons and then spends the next year returning them. "Date" encapsulates a

woman's

her boyfriend's sugges"The Decline of the Spengler" is a wildly inventive radio play in which the narrative of a funeral is melded with the dreams of a playwright slowly slipping into entire

life

in

tions for her personal ad.

madness. In their desperation, the characters in Joe

(continued on back flap)

THE

Queen of Puerto Rico

THE

Queen of Puerto Rico And Other Stories

Joe Frank

WILLIAM MORROW AND COMPANY, NEW YORK

INC.

Copyright

©

1993 by Joseph Frank

No part of this book may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage or retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Publisher. Inquiries should be addressed to Permissions Department, William Morrow and Company, Inc., 1350 Avenue of the Americas, New York, N.Y. 10019.

All rights reserved.

Morrow and Company, Inc., and its imprints and recognizing the importance of preserving what has been written, to print the books we publish on acid-free paper, and we exert our best efforts to It is

the policy of William

affiliates,

that end.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Frank, Joe.

The queen

of Puerto Rico and other stories /Joe Frank.

p.

cm.

— Fat man — Night — Date — Walter — The decline of Spengler —

Contents: Tell me what to do The queen of Puerto Rico Philosophy. ISBN 0-688-08765-5

—

I.

Title.

PS3556.R33424Q4 813'.

1993

54— dc20

93-234

CIP Printed in the United States of America First Edition

123456789

10

For

my

parents

Acknowledgments

My deepest gratitude goes to actor/director Arthur Miller, who me

has worked with

and helped

for years in radio

and shaping much of the material

for this

book.

in creating

"The Decline

of Spengler," a collaborative radio play both written and improvised,

would not have been possible without the

contri-

butions of Arthur and the rest of the cast, which included

Lester Nafzger, Barbara Sohmers, David Rapkin, Charles Potter,

Hart,

Joseph Palmieri, Timothy Jerome, Leslie Cass, Avery

Rosemary

Foley,

and Brother Theodore.

In the preparation of the material

I

was

also fortunate to

have the guidance, insights, and constructive editing of Larry Massett, Madeleine Lundberg,

David Madole, Farley

Ziegler,

Special thanks also to

Tony Cohan, Larry

Kusnitt,

and Kathleen Morahan.

Henry Dennis, Tom

Strother, Kerry

Breeze, Rusty Wayne, and Jack Cheeseborough for their contributions to the work.

I'm grateful support.

to

Ariana Morgenstem for her friendship and

Contents

Tell

Me What

to

Do

13

Fat

Man

43

Night 69

Green Cadillac 103

Date 111

The Queen

of Puerto Rico

127

CONTENTS Winter 143

The

Decline of Spengler 149

THE

Queen of Puerto Rico

Tell

A

fter

people

—

work one Friday she was frequently one of the last she came into his office and sat down. She

to leave

was wearing

brimmed in

Me What to Do

—

a raincoat, a pair of thick glasses,

and

a

wide-

hat that shaded her face. She slumped languorously

her chair. There was an odd twist to her mouth.

He

guessed

she was in her mid-thirties, but she might have been older.

When

she removed her hat her hair was unkempt, and there

was something

slightly careless

charming and annoying. She

about her that he found both

said she

had recently come from

Miami, where she had been the marketing director

for a

shop-

ping center.

"And you came here because

of a man," he said.

"You're absolutely right," she answered.

know?" 13

"How

did you

JOE FRANK She a to

a cigarette

lit

and

told

him she had been involved with

When

South African stockbroker.

work on Wall

she decided to leave her

The

hadn't worked. endlessly.

He

further, she

Miami and

life in

her, staying

out

that

But

it

Now she was

Citibank

a position at

him

York

much

They argued

late.

all this

few days off next week

to take a

New

To confuse

apartment.

to a friend's

had been offered

cago, and the reason she was telling

might need

to

join him.

relationship had soured.

was avoiding

about to move

he moved

Street, they missed each other so

things

Chi-

in

was that she

to fly to

Chicago

and check things out.

She

had given up a

that she

York, and to

move

have

wry amusement. She found terrific job in Miami to come

told her story with

now

ironic

to

New

she couldn't get along with her lover and had

out. "If

move

to

it

I

accept the Citibank offer," she said,

"I'll

again."

"Let's go for a drink," he said.

They walked

to a bar.

He was

wearing

wore them outdoors, indoors, day and people

to see his eyes, to

wearing glasses

Once She

man

He

He

didn't like

feeling.

She was

too, with thick lenses that magnified her eyes.

wear her hat and

raincoat.

him that last night she had picked up a huge black downtown club. They had gone to his place but she remember much about it. "I know you're beginning

told

at a

me in When she

think of

that."

night.

know what he was

inside, she continued to

couldn't to

his sunglasses.

a certain

arrived

way," she

home

at

14

"but I'm not

like

dawn, Gardner, her boy-

where she'd been. "But how did he feel about it?"

friend, didn't ask

said,

TELL ME WHAT TO DO "He

doesn't care."

"I don't believe it."

"No, he

Then

me

wants

really

out."

He

asked

to the

phone

she said she was afraid to go to Chicago.

her why, but she wouldn't explain.

At one point, he excused himself and walked booth on the corner door

to the bar

by herself

at

like the

the end of a bar let

him

had

to get

looked

it

her through the

at

closes

down room and make

up

he returned, the

kind of woman you see sitting

when

He

in.

her he wanted to rent a said she

He

was locked.

window and she seemed and the waiter

When

to call his wife.

He

He waved

love to her. But she

morning

early the next

clothes into a friend's apartment.

down.

beside her and told

sat

asked

move her her number

to

for

She wrote it down. Then he walked her out of the bar, hailed a taxi, and squeezed her hand. "Are you going home?" he asked. He wondered if she was going to another bar to there.

pick up

someone

else.

"Yes, I'm going

He watched

home," she

her cab drive off and

apartment that night and

and over again, Eve

.

.

.

called her Saturday

if

Eve

in.

When

to his wife, all

.

.

.

Eve

.

.

silently,

phone the

said,

walk-up

first

over

time.

out. It

He

was

asked

"Sure." Her apartment was

in the Village.

he came through the door she

15

he

.

morning when Kathy was

he could come over. She third floor of a

got back to his

repeated her name,

strange talking to her on the

on the

when he

down next

lay

He

could think of was her.

He

said.

said,

She buzzed him

"We

won't stay

JOE FRANK long." She was wearing slacks and a loose-fitting sweater.

They

both

He

felt shy.

here? and sat

down on

She looked

at

wondered, What

am

the hell

I doing

the living-room couch.

him. "What's going on?"

"Let's not ask."

She poured him

Coke and asked

a

if

he wanted rum

because that was her drink, Bacardi and Coke.

She turned on the

They

cigarette.

radio, sat

down next

listened to a jazz

trio.

He

him, and

to

When

in

it

nodded. lit

a

the piece was

over he turned to her.

"How

about sex?" he asked.

"What do you mean?" "I mean you me here

— —

we?

we're going to do

If

They were

both

still

it,

of

and he wondered

woman

let's

do

it

it.

Will

we or won't

now."

wearing their glasses.

"I'm a different kind of said,

— now — doing

if

woman

than you think

I

am," she

she was confused about what kind

she really was. "Besides," she added, "there's not

enough time." "I can't leave here without holding if

we

make out?" She looked down and

"No want

He

and kissing you. What

just

smiled.

matter what happens," he

to do,

we

said,

"no matter what you

won't."

took off his jacket, loosened his

tie,

and rolled up

his

sleeves.

"What

are

you doing? Getting ready

He

"Exactly," he said.

her thick glasses, and

her face for the

first

for

work?"

took off his sunglasses, she took off

when he looked

into her eyes

and saw

time, she looked beautiful to him. She

16

TELL ME WHAT TO DO moved

into his arms, kissed him,

his thigh as if

and wrapped her legs around

they had been making love for years.

They hugged and kissed for about ten got up, rolled down his sleeves, put on his asked, "Are you

"No," she

They and

left

still

minutes. tie

Then he

and jacket, and

self-conscious?"

said.

the apartment. In the street, she got into a taxi

left.

At

first

looked

he

felt exhilarated.

when

He

thought of how beautiful she

she removed her glasses, and her kisses lingered

with him. But as he walked home, he began to wonder about the ease with which she had wrapped herself around him. She

had been too responsive. She had given herself over too

He

couldn't help thinking she was an old pro, and the feeling

lurked in him that

maybe she did

this

with a

At work on Monday, he waited impatiently up.

When

lot

of men.

for her to

show

she arrived, she was distant and discreet. After

he was her supervisor, that said, "Tonight. to

easily.

A

a married

man.

He

all,

wrote her a card

drink?" There were two boxes for her

check, "Yes" or "No." Later, he went to her desk to pick

She had checked the "Yes" box. That evening they went to another bar. Now they were almost lovers. He wore his sunglasses and she wore her thick it

up.

glasses,

and

as long as they

protected from each other.

he was

forty,

He

head slumped forward on

"He

asked about Gardner. She said

South African, divorced, and had two young

daughters. She pointed at a

she said.

kept their glasses on they were

drinks

all

man

sitting at a table nearby, his

his chest.

"That's like Gardner,"

the time." Nevertheless, he earned

17

JOE FRANK a considerable salary

and was being groomed

He

position in his company. clothes,

for

an important

paid the rent, purchased her

and loaned her money.

"Has he been buying you?" he asked. "No, but I think I'd make a good whore." "Well,

if

you're looking for work,

have connections.

I

course, I'd have to audition you first," he added.

you think you'd make hard

life,"

her with different

Then was

she said, "and said,

men was

"and

I

beginning

think I'd enjoy

lonely."

it's

to

The

make him

jealous.

He

said

it

was on business, but she suspected

for pleasure; shortly after

moving

into Gardner's apart-

ment, she had found porno magazines, nude photos, and ters

from

He and

women

shook

in a

his head,

told her that

was

as if fate

let-

bureau drawer.

blew

Kathy was

day morning to attend It

it."

idea of

she told him Gardner was leaving for Bangkok the

next morning. it

he

"What makes

good whore?"

a

know about men,"

"I

"It's a

Of

a

his breath out

through pursed

also leaving for

conference.

lips,

Minneapolis Tues-

They stared

were whispering, Here's an

at

each other.

opening. Take

it.

"All right. I'm going to give you my address," he said, "and want you to be there at eight o'clock tomorrow night." She nodded and he had the impression she liked being told what to do. I

In ten years of marriage he had never brought another

woman

to his

apartment.

If

Kathy ever found out, she would

be devastated. But somehow he didn't himself, he

know

would be extremely

careful,

couldn't hurt her. After Kathy

18

care. Besides,

he

told

and what she didn't

left for

the airport, he

TELL ME WHAT TO DO vacuumed, washed the dishes, changed the bedding, hid the wedding photos, and put all of her clothes in the back of the

He

closet.

bought

a quart of

Bacardi and picked up a Chinese

restaurant menu in case they wanted to order out. Then he wondered what would happen if one of his neighbors saw the cute blonde show up at his door. Shortly after eight o'clock the doorman buzzed. He rang her through, put on some music, and turned down the lights. Candles flickered on the night table in the bedroom. He opened the door and she stood before him. Earlier, he had called Kathy in Minneapolis just to make sure she was really a

thousand miles away.

He

fixed drinks

— Bacardi and Cokes — and

feeling tongue-tied.

and he

said,

said,

and

sat

She

sat across

from him,

"So here we are." They stared

"Come

to

him.

He began

on the sofa

lit

a cigarette,

each other. Finally,

at

over here." She gave him a

down next

sat

little-girl

pout

stroking her hair, but

make love for the make it good. It'll

she didn't respond. "Look, we're going to first

time only once," he

never be like

this again."

and they began

away from him

to

kiss.

"so

said,

He

Every

as if to ask,

let's

leaned forward, embraced her, so often

"Who

she would back

are you?

What

are

we

doing?"

She was

so small

carried her into the

and

lithe that

he picked her up easily and

bedroom, and from the moment he began

making love to her he had the feeling she was a little girl of Her high, short shrieks were like a child's, and he wondered if the neighbors could hear. Then she began to ask him, "Tell me what you want tell me what to do," and twelve.

.

they

made

love

all

.

.

night long, until dawn.

19

JOE FRANK

In the morning, he decided they should leave the apartment

"This

separately.

what

is

go downstairs, turn

we'll do,"

he

"You leave

said.

and walk south on Third Avenue.

left,

He

leave five minutes later and catch up with you."

out the eyehole to

first,

make

I'll

looked

sure there was no one in the hall and

then opened the door. She stood behind him

her raincoat,

in

wide-brimmed hat, and thick glasses. "Okay," he said, and motioned for her to go. She passed him and he closed the door behind her.

He

waited about

five

minutes, walked

Third Avenue, and didn't see her anywhere.

were empty, and he

o'clock, the streets

angry. She walked the wrong way, structions. She's unreliable.

He

corner.

damn

Then, with

himself getting

felt

it.

down

was eight

It

She can 7 follow

relief,

he saw her

jogged up the block, they hugged, and he

strong, confident, as

if

a beautiful spring day.

he were expanding with

He

told her

in-

at the

love. It

felt

was

how sweet she was and

me

she rolled her eyes and said, "Please don't talk to

that

way."

As she got he never said

he said he was

in a cab,

to

in love

with her

— words

Kathy anymore, though he considered himself

happily married and had no intention of leaving his wife. closed the door and

Eating breakfast

He

night. felt so

silently,

waved

drove

in a coffee shop,

relived the

first

uncomfortable,

off.

he started

part of the evening

when

to rehash the

when

they had stared

at

they had

each other

and he thought, "I should have been more relaxed."

Then he remembered over.

as she

He

their lovemaking.

Get on your knees.

Sit

20

He

had

said,

"Turn

on the bureau. Open your

TELL ME WHAT TO DO mouth." And she had

said, "Yes,

Once, she had curled up

sir.

in his

and

just hold her, please hold her,

Right,

sir.

Okay,

sir."

arms and asked him

a fatherly feeling

to

had come

over him.

She had

—

pungent perfume

a

rich,

sweet, and strong, one

step away from being cheap. Normally he didn't like strong

perfume, but he spent the its

scent.

When

rest of the

he came home

to

morning hallucinating

pick up his briefcase for

work, he smelled the living-room couch where she had

sat,

picked up the bedroom pillow, breathed

felt

energized,

He saw

filled

her

at

in

her odor, and

with strength. the office later that day. She was wearing a

low-cut blouse and tight jeans. Suddenly the other men,

had never paid attention to her, were taking notice.

He

who felt

someone else? Work her way through the department? At the same time, he felt a sense of pride. She didn't need to protect herself with the hat and the raincoat anymore because she loved him and felt safe

jealous.

Was she going

to

make

a pass at

They barely spoke to each other, but under the surface he knew they were both vibrating. He was impressed by how good she was at dissembling, but in his

presence.

also slightly

saddened by

had probably done go back to in

my

it

he did, their

want

it

reminded him

He wanted

to say,

that she

"Look,

let's

apartment, take off our clothes, get right back

bed, and take up where

didn't

because

this before.

affair

we

left off."

But he was

afraid

if

might turn into something tawdry, and he

to lose the magic.

Last night he had said, "If

this

is the only night we spend together, it will be fine with me. You have your guy, and I have my gal. " He had even suggested

that

it

might be better

as a

romantic one-night adventure.

21

JOE FRANK " 'We'll always have Paris,' " he'd said. But late in the after-

noon he asked her It

to

come back with him anyway.

how

couldn't help wondering

way he loved

the

He

turned out she had friends she might have to see. it

was possible,

she loved him

if

that seeing her friends could

her,

be

as

important as seeing him. Did I imagine everything that happened last night?'"When will

Her

would have

He

free.

to see

them.

If

they didn't, she would

didn't believe her. She's a creature of mood. She's

not good at planning ahead. It all depends on the

sure.

friends were supposed to call later that evening. If they

called, she

be

you know?" he asked. She wasn't

how

she's feeling at

moment.

Ten minutes

phone

later, his

from college who wanted

to

rang. It

go out

was Leila, an old friend

for dinner. Leila

and he thought, Okay, two can play

attractive

told Leila to

come over twenty minutes

this

was very

game. So he

before the office

closed.

When

showed her around. He wanted

Leila arrived, he

make Eve

jealous,

and he

"I'm going out meet,

call

and, for a

me

to dinner.

He

later."

moment,

one night she'd

call

felt

he were back

felt as if

school. Before they left, he

went up

I'll

to

be home by ten.

It

high

Eve's desk and said,

gave her his unlisted anxious.

in

to

If

you want

to

home number

occurred to him that late

while he and Kathy were in bed.

Leila wanted to go back to his apartment rather than spend

money

in a restaurant.

He

found

it

interesting that

when he

entered his building with her he didn't worry about the door-

man

or the neighbors.

feel guilty

about

it.

He knew she was a friend

They had

a

few drinks and

Leila was talking about her boyfriend

22

and he didn't

when

a salad

and

the phone rang.

TELL ME WHAT TO DO He knew who

it

was and waited three

rings before lifting the

receiver.

She sounded a little drunk. They didn't show up, he thought, and she went to a bar and has had a few. She asked him about her Chicago job offer.

What should she do? She had

tomorrow. "I can't discuss don't you

back

call

in

Leila stared at him.

"A

this

with you now," he

Then he hung

an hour?"

"Who was

to

decide

said.

"Why

up.

that?"

some changes at work." She gave him a funny look.

friend who's going through

Leila

About

knew him thirty

well.

minutes

later,

he heard the buzzer from down-

an electric shock. Leila turned to him. "More

stairs. It felt like

changes?"

He walked

to the intercom. It

the button and heard Eve's voice. "I'm here. I

want

to talk to

He

was 10:00 p.m.

Can

I

come up?

you."

"No, I'll come down." She laughed. "Why should you come down?

come up." "No," he said. "Is someone there?" "Yes. I'll buzz when

He walked back to say this, to

pressed

it's

just

I'll

time for you to come up."

into the living room. "I don't

know how

but someone's coming and you're going

have

to

go." "It's all right," Leila said. "I

She took her

He buzzed

coat, kissed

understand."

him on the cheek, and

left.

downstairs and a minute later Eve walked

"I didn't plan to

come. Look what

I

wore. This old dress."

"Well, here you are," he said, thinking, This

23

in.

woman

is

not

JOE FRANK to be trusted. She's unstable.

She drinks too much. She shows up at

my apartment uninvited. What will happen if something goes wrong and the relationship turns sour? What will she do? Will she arrive at work drunk and embarrass me? He was flashing on horrible scenes of her storming into his office and demanding that he leave his wife. Or calling him late at night and hanging up whenever Kathy answered. Or mailing him angry postcards and threatening letters. Or waiting in the lobby of his building and, while he walked out with Kathy one day, rushing up and saying,

"Look, we have

now." Kathy would

to settle this right

look at him thinking, What the hell is going on here? &w\ he would

be trapped between the two of them with

a lot of explaining

thrilled she had come over. why I'm upset?" "Because I came without calling." At least she understood. They sat down and began

to do.

But he was secretly

"Do you

realize

dis-

cussing the job offer in Chicago. If she accepted, her relationship with Gardner was finished. start in

two weeks. She had

to let

was panic-stricken. Then she

The bank wanted

her to

them know tomorrow. She

said there

was another reason

she didn't want to go to Chicago. "Is there another

man

there?"

"Not exactly ..." She faltered. "Never mind. Let's forget about it. Let's put it behind us. Let's take the night and make the most of it." They had a drink, went into the bedroom, and again, while they made love, she asked him repeatedly, "Tell me what you want. Tell

me what

to

do."

24

TELL ME WHAT TO DO They

The

asleep at dawn. At eight o'clock he got up.

fell

sun was coming through the blinds, yellow and soft and dream-

She looked beautiful, like a sleeping child. He had get to work early and he was not going to leave her alone like.

He

the apartment.

respond.

He

her again.

tried to rouse her gently

eight-thirty. Finally,

in

but she didn't

took a shower, got dressed, and tried

was

It

to

wake

to

he shook her and

said,

"Come

on. Get up." She gave him a friendly but

"I'm

sorry,

we have

but

"Let

dirty look.

me

sleep."

to go."

She got dressed. He opened the door and checked the hall to make sure it was empty. She stood there half asleep in her raincoat, glasses,

"This time

and

hat.

want you

I

He

to turn right,

enue, walk downtown, and

He out.

gave her instructions. to

Lexington Av-

closed the door behind her. Five minutes It

was

a chilly spring

morning.

burned-out, no-sleep feeling.

He

town, and didn't see her. Oh, God, the

go

pick you up in a taxi."

I'll

He

later,

he went

had that wasted,

hailed a cab, rode the stupid bitch.

down-

She turned

wrong way. The cab drove around and around, but he

couldn't find her.

At noon, he

left

work and walked

from Gardner's apartment.

to a restaurant

He knew

and was staying there while Gardner was dialed her

deep

number from

voice, in a

machine. For a

"I'm

at the

a

two blocks

she had called

in sick

Bangkok.

in

He

pay phone and heard Gardner's

heavy South African accent, on the answering

moment he was

Coffee Bar.

I

afraid to speak.

Then he

said,

missed you. Where were you?"

hung up and walked back

to the office.

25

Now

He

she had two

JOE FRANK strikes against her

either screwing

Around two

come

in to

— showing up

up

house uninvited and

or deliberately not meeting him.

in the afternoon,

work.

at his

They went

he was surprised

to see

her

through the same charade of

When she walked by him "Come into my office," and

the end

acting like colleagues.

at

of the day he said,

closed the

door behind her.

"What happened?" "This morning?" "Yes, this morning."

She inhaled on her cigarette. "I was so annoyed at you for me up and telling me where to go, I decided to walk the other way." She laughed. He liked her spirit and asked her out for a drink.

waking

They went

to a

deserted bar around the corner.

He

sat

with

her by the window. There was a jukebox and a small dance floor.

began

When to

a ballad

came

on, they rose from the table and

dance. She was so

they were imbued with light

"Do you know what go out and have a clubs, listen to

"Good.

light, so graceful.

in the

I'd like to

real date

He

felt as if

empty room.

do?" she

tomorrow

said. "I'd like to

night, hit

some

bars

and

music."

take care of everything."

I'll

He wondered if after all. He phoned

Friday morning she called in sick again.

she had decided to take the Chicago job

up the entire evening. home, there was no answer.

restaurants and jazz clubs and lined

But when he

He went

tried to reach her at

back

to his

apartment and spent the night watching

television.

26

TELL ME WHAT TO DO Saturday morning, the day before Kathy and Gardner were

due back, he phoned her you

She picked up.

again.

"What happened? Why

After a long silence he asked,

didn't

call?"

you

"I tried

at

work, but you were out for lunch. So

I

got

told

me

busy with something else."

He

make

you'd

"Remember when you

angrier and angrier.

felt

a

good whore?

W'ell,

don't think you would

I

because you're unreliable. Or were you too drunk

we made

a date?

Anyway,

"Don't hang up," she

I'll

said.

it

"Can't

lence. Unless he

wanted

to ruin

we

get through this?"

don't feel like getting

I

He slammed down feeling awful. He had

now."

kitchen

in his

remember

see you sometime."

"Probably," he answered, "but

through

to

the receiver and stood to respect

her ambiva-

what had happened between

them or make it look cheap, he had number again.

to call

her back.

He

dialed

her

"Do you want

"Listen," he said.

to

have breakfast

at

Lemons?" "All right.

He

took a cab to

W hen T

me

But give

fifteen

Lemons and asked

she showed up, they

She had

a

glasses said. "I

He

club soda.

off his sunglasses

want

to

split

had

and looked

and looked

minutes

a

to get

for a table in the back.

an order of eggs Benedict.

Bloody Mary. Then he took

at her,

and she took off her thick

him. "Let's go back to

at

make

dressed."

my

place," he

love to you right now. Will you

come

with me?"

She nodded. "But left clothes in

first

I

have

the drver."

21

to

go back

to

my

house.

I

JOE FRANK "I'll

go with you."

He

had the feeling that

he didn't stay

if

with her, he would never see her again.

He

didn't feel comfortable going into Gardner's apartment

and decided

to wait downstairs in the lobby.

He would

give

her five minutes.

When

the five minutes were up, he hailed a

the back for what

never

come

Finally, she

apartment.

eternity,

muttering,

came

"Women,

those bitches.

out, got in the cab,

They walked

sat in

convinced she would

downstairs and that she was doing another

He began

on him.

seemed an

He

taxi.

number

Damn it."

and they drove

to his

doorman and

into the lobby past the

rode up the elevator. In the corridor, he heard his neighbor's

door being unlocked and realized someone was about out.

He

Eve's face, leaving her alone

would know what

He

to

come

rushed into his apartment and closed the door in the hall.

He assumed

in

she

to do.

heard Eve and his neighbor, Virginia, exchange pleas-

antries

and get on the elevator together. Then

it

occurred to

Eve might not come back. He looked out the window and paced absently in the living room until the doorbell rang. him

that

He

unlocked the door and she stood there, giggling.

It

was

They sat in the living room smoking She had a drink. Then she began to talk about her relationship with Gardner and whether or not she should go two

in the afternoon.

cigarettes.

to

Chicago. Again she said there was a reason she didn't think

she could go.

"What

They

is

it?"

sat in silence listening to

music on the

radio.

Then

she sighed and told him she had been molested by her father. It

happened while she was growing up 28

in

Chicago.

He

had

TELL ME WHAT TO DO begun

to

when

fondle her

she was two or three, and had

Nobody in week he would come

continued until she was eleven.

At

least three times a

what fathers and daughters

at night. This is

He on

first

time she had told

their nights together,

girl

trying to please him.

make

it.

He

found

to

but that

to tell,

it

it

like a little

exciting and

wanted

to

love to her again.

Miami. She never saw her father

was

bedroom

As she spoke he flashed

and how much she was

Finally she had told her mother.

didn't

into her

do, she thought.

had the feeling her story was hard

was not the

the family knew.

want

still

to return to

The two of them moved again. And the reason she

Chicago was that she knew her father

there and she was afraid of what might happen

met. She was terrified she might

start

if

they

with him again and

never be able to stop.

They undressed and

got into bed, and as they

made

love

he encouraged the father-daughter feeling by the way he held her,

cuddled with

her,

and

told her

what

to do.

He knew

her

father had given her lots of instructions, too.

On Sunday

he went

relieved to see her. to the

apartment.

and had washed

to pick

up Kathy

at

the airport.

He was

She looked wonderful. They drove back had changed the sheets and pillowcases

He

his clothes,

but he could

still

smell Eve's

perfume and wondered if Kathy could smell it, too. That night they made love more passionately than they had for years. During the next month their love life improved. "I should go away more often," she said.

He saw Eve another bar.

at

work on Monday. That night they went to their glasses and smok-

They were both wearing 29

JOE FRANK ing cigarettes. Gardner was back in town and wanted to see her,

and soon he would have

to

go back

to Kathy.

He

felt that

over" feeling. We had our fling, and now ifs ended.

tragic "it's

They

talked about running away and the beautiful places they

could

visit.

account.

"We'll take your credit card.

And

She took

I'll

clean out

my bank

then," he said, "we'll go right to the airport."

off her glasses and he took off his sunglasses

they looked

at

each other eye-to-eye.

"Do you want

something slow.

nodded. They stood up each other

tightly,

He

at her.

in the

and he

to

The jukebox

and

played

dance?" he asked. She

middle of the room and held

felt exhilaration,

sadness, and loss.

"Do you realize we had a whole love affair in one week? We met, we made love, we fought, we parted, we made up, and now it's over and we did the whole thing looked

in six

days."

They

left

the bar.

He

hailed a taxi and shook her hand.

As

she stepped into the cab, he caught the scent of her perfume.

Before she drove

off,

Miami. She was

still

she said she and Gardner were going to trying to

stall

Chicago. Ever since Gardner had

the Citibank people in

come

back, he had been

nicer to her.

"Be sure and

He

let

me know what

didn't hear from her for a

writing her

name over and

happens," he

said.

week and found himself

over again on scraps of paper.

He

took out the folder that contained her original application and studied her resume and the forms she had little-girl's

handwriting, simple and shaky.

filled

He

out in her

thought of how,

Now

when he had

first

he was

with her and couldn't stop smelling her perfume

in love

seen her, she meant nothing

30

to

him.

TELL ME WHAT TO DO and dreaming about her eyes and her body and her hands.

But he

tried to

A week lifted the

ner asked

put her behind him.

later,

she called the

me

to

the

closed the door,

marry him."

knew the reason you came to New York, known everything about you." later, she came by to clean out her desk. He her into his office. They sat down and she told him about night Gardner proposed. They had gone out to celebrate,

same way A few days

led

He

phone, and heard her husky cigarette voice. "Gard-

"I knew it." "How?" "The same way

the

office.

I

I've

and he had gotten drunker than she had ever seen him before.

When

they got back to the apartment

lift

him out of the cab and

and

tears filled her eyes.

"Gardner

is

like

carry

him

She was

it

took two doormen to

upstairs.

Her voice broke

terrified.

your father."

She nodded.

They

took off their glasses, looked

both on the verge of crying

when he

at

each other, and were

said,

"Get out of here.

Come

on.

Don't

kiss

Hurry up. Leave me. Just go, fast."

might

say,

Get out of here\ you maniac, you knucklehead.

She stood up. He held her

this office.

Don't say anything.

He

smiling, the

in

said

it,

way you

an awkward embrace.

Then

she was gone.

He

spoke

she called to

to

her one more time the following

tell

Citibank after

him Gardner wanted her

all.

They were

together.

31

going to

week when

to take the job at

move

to

Chicago

JOE FRANK

One evening when he

returned from a business

trip,

he

found the apartment stripped. All the furniture was gone except for the bed, the TV, and the dinette

he saw

a hand-written note

set.

On

the counter

from Kathy. She wrote that during

the last few years she had grown increasingly lonely. Three

months ago during the conference in Minneapolis, she had met a wonderful man. She had never felt like this before with anyone and could never forgive herself if she didn't take this chance at happiness. "You really can't blame me," she added. "After

me

any more

you won't have

all,

Hope you had

lies.

sneak around telling

to

as

much fun

had

in

He went

to

as

I

Minneapolis."

He

spent the next few weeks feeling numb.

work and came home to the bare cell of his apartment. Kathy refused to speak to him except through her lawyer. It

his

was Monday evening.

phone buzzed. The

Lean." In

her,

He

to leave

work when

receptionist said, "It's a Mrs.

Eve

left for

Mc-

Chicago,

"Okay, from now on, you're Mrs. McLean."

waited a moment, then

racing.

about

their last conversation before

he had told

He

He was

realized

lifted the receiver.

he had been waiting

His heart was

for this call

for

months.

"Do you know who this is?" she asked. He wondered if he should pretend he didn't to tell

him.

"Of course

I

do."

"Are you happy

I

called?"

"I'm delighted." 32

and force her

TELL ME WHAT TO DO He

said

it

in a flat

tone because he didn't want her to

whether he was being

polite or sincere.

how much he was moved by

reveal "I'll

be

in

New

York

for a

He

know

couldn't bear to

the sound of her voice.

convention the day after tomor-

row," she said. "Would you like to get together?"

He

suggested breakfast or lunch rather than ask about meet-

She

ing at night.

said she

would be

flying in at 7:00 p.m.

Wednesday evening, would be in meetings all day Thursday, and was scheduled to go on to Miami Thursday night. "I tried you at the office earlier in the week," she added, "but I couldn't get through." It occurred to him that she was a habitual liar. He remembered how she always waited a beat before answering his questions, as if she were trying to come up with a plausible answer. But he also knew those pauses were often caused by her smoking. They decided she would call

him when she got

was looking forward

in

on Wednesday

to seeing

night.

She

said she

him, but neither spoke of what

might happen when they met.

Her

call

absence.

remember ning

it

had come just

He

as

he was getting used

had even begun

the

to think

week they spent

to correct the

had made and changing what had happened

He

to

together, running and rerun-

through his mind, trying

pealing fantasies.

to Kathy's

about Eve again,

mistakes he

to suit

more ap-

should have been rougher, tied her up,

taken his time, teased her more. Again he was haunted by

doubts and second thoughts and the vague suspicion that she

had used him love to her

to

all

make Gardner jealous. But

night and doing

all

the idea of

making

the things he imagined in

He knew

his

daydreams overwhelmed him.

for

him. Meeting her again would just deepen his frustration,

33

she wasn't good

JOE FRANK and he took perverse

satisfaction in

knowing

it

would probably

end badly.

He

also tried to reconcile himself to the possibility of their

just talking in the hotel bar, because their time together thinking about to

make

love to her.

he didn't want

to

spend

whether he would be able

Going through the motions of trying

would be too degrading. And he was afraid that was exactly what would happen. He tried to reassure himto get laid

"Maybe

self.

make

we'll

love.

Maybe we

won't.

It

doesn't

That's not really important." But the words rang

matter.

hollow.

Wednesday "I'm

at

night,

around eight,

his

phone

the hotel," she said. She sounded tense.

"Don't be scared. Everything's going just

come

"Yes,

I

rang.

to

be okay. Did you

in?"

took a cab from the airport."

"Get yourself

together.

Unpack. Relax. Call

me when

you're ready."

"Where do you want

to

meet?"

"At the hotel," he said. "In the lobby."

As soon

they hung up he was sure she would

as

and cancel, so he decided to catch a cab and

call

back

phone her from

the hotel lobby. Don't go there thinking about going to bed, he told himself

When floor,

give

on the

ride

downtown.

he arrived he thought of taking the elevator

knocking on her door, and walking

him an advantage. But he decided

stairs instead.

34

right in. It

to call her

to her

would

from down-

TELL ME WHAT TO DO "Hi. I'm in the lobby.

She didn't seem

He walked

A female pianist,

wait for you in the bar."

I'll

surprised. She

into the

dimly

bartender in a

bow

wearing a tuxedo,

lit

tie

Vd come,

knew

The room was

bar.

and

he thought. crowded.

a vest served drinks.

his face pale,

and

The

his features finely

chiseled, looked like an aging chorus boy. People sat on stools

around the baby grand singing show tunes.

He

sat

down

at

an empty table in the corner and waited for

Eve. As the minutes passed, he grew more and more nervous.

He

and naked.

stupid,

felt lonely,

wondered. "What good can come the

moment seemed

of promise.

full

"Why am

I

here?" he

of it?" At the same time,

He

looked around the

room and wondered if there were other people there who felt the way he did. An attractive woman sat alone at a nearby table

and he thought of going

to the hotel

phone, calling Eve,

and saying, "I'm leaving, don't come down," then rushing back

to

He

During her

By

light.

He

it

to

he had been

himself, ting laid?

was

to

she would care to join him.

evening around Eve's drinking.

two drinks, he would keep the conversation

first

would take two more drinks

thought of

would have as

if

to plan the

the third drink, he would suggest going back to her

Then

room. bed.

woman

ask the

decided

it

her into

which he

pace himself and realized he was using her just afraid she

Why am

Maybe

I here?

had been using him. Again he asked

What do I want?

Is this just

about

get-

the reason he wanted to go to bed with her

break through the nonsense,

cal intimacy.

to get

as a long-distance race in

They were both

to find

her through physi-

troubled, lonely, insecure.

35

They

JOE FRANK were

also spoiled children

who wanted

how naughty

to see

and fucked up they could be. But there was something poignant, he thought, about two people caught in a cycle of selfdestruction.

It

Finally, she

sounded

came

tragic

and romantic.

into the bar.

She was wearing

a

white

blouse, a paisley scarf, a gray business skirt, and a blue blazer.

Her

hair

was pulled back and she had put on her

had brought in

with him, too, but

it

glasses.

He

was so dark

the bar he had decided not to wear them. She looked tired.

He all

his sunglasses

tried to pull a chair

right."

up

Her tone was

"Relax," she

for her.

patronizing.

It

said. "It's

made him

feel that

she had already seized the advantage.

He

asked how she was doing. She said she was miserable.

She hated her job, the marriage wasn't working, they had no friends, and all they did was drink and fight and make love. She was ready to end it. "I'm not in love with him," she said. Every morning, she had to get up and fix breakfast, drive Gardner to his office, then drive to her own job on the other side of town. At work, she had almost nothing to do. "I've

been given enough rope

to

hang myself," she

evening she would meet Gardner

in a bar

said.

In the

and they would

come home, and continue to drink until a fight or made love. Later, she would be unable to sleep. Then it would be morning and the same thing would begin again. And why did he need all that pornography? She tried to please him in every way. They made love all the time. What was wrong with him? drink, go to dinner,

Gardner passed out or they had

She was drawn

to

him because of the money, the apartment,

the clothes, the restaurants, the travel.

But she was going

to

car,

draw the 36

and the opportunity line.

to

On Thursday Gard-

TELL ME WHAT TO DO ner was supposed to meet her in Miami. If he didn't show up

she would get a divorce.

She had already had an A man picked her up

ago.

She

night in her room.

told

affair in

San Francisco two months

in the hotel bar

him she

didn't

and they spent the

want

to get involved

with anyone because she was having problems with her hus-

band, and they both laughed

at

the irony of

it,

the paradox

of not wanting to have an affair because your marriage was in trouble. call

her,

When

she came back to Chicago the

man began

to

but she didn't want to have anything to do with

him. She thought Gardner suspected something, but she was sure he had

been unfaithful,

too.

They were both

ing they didn't care about the other's infidelities, but

pretendit

wasn't

working.

Then

she told him about her

visit to a psychiatrist.

The

doctor said she had a drinking problem. "But what do you

think?" he had asked. "I don't think that's true," she

lem

is

Gardner. If

I

had

said. "I

think the prob-

can solve things with Gardner,

I

can take

care of the drinking."

As he listened

to

her story, he had a strong feeling the

reverse was true. But he didn't if

want

to talk

about

it

because

they discussed her drinking he would never get her into

bed.

He

hated the fact that he was trying to take advantage

of her for his

own

purposes.

she said, and didn't know whether made it for herself. She had pursued Gardner that when he finally proposed, she had to accept.

She was caught

in a trap,

or not she had for so long

—

She had gotten everything she wanted and she was miserwas funny, she said, and he admired her for being

able. It

37

JOE FRANK able to laugh at herself.

words seeming

He

watched her continue

to blur together,

to talk,

her

and thought of how much she

looked like both an innocent child and

a worldly-wise, over-

drunk, and overfucked woman.

Then tell

how he was

she asked

doing.

He was

her about his job and his wife, but he

really care. It

supposed

knew she

to

didn't

was just intermission. Their conversations always

centered on her.

The

time they met they had discussed

first

her relationship with Gardner, where she was going to stay

and how she was in crisis but was bearing up beautifully. Now the same thing was happening again. He wondered if her whole life was like this. after she left him,

He

ran

desertion.

down Then

eyes, and asked thing,

own

his

feeble story

— leaving out

Kathy's

she leaned forward, looked soulfully into his

him

he thought.

to sit

He

next to her. She 's controlling the whole

got up, sat

down

beside her, and she

held his hand in both of hers like a dear friend.

She was on her fourth

drink,

they were nowhere near going

one drink past the plan, and

to

her room.

feeling as he listened to her repeat the

and she were

lonely.

They

He

had

a sinking

same themes: Gardner

drank, they fought, they fucked.

She realized how self-destructive it was and wanted to get away but didn't know how. Then she added there was another reason she story of

felt sick

how

about being

in

Chicago and repeated the

her father had molested her, and he

felt as if a

cloud were descending over him.

"What She

exactly did he do?" he asked.

told

him he had penetrated her with

had forced her it.

She

to

masturbate him.

He asked

said she hadn't really understood

38

if

his fingers

and

she had enjoyed

what was going on

TELL ME WHAT TO DO and thought

it

was something fathers and daughters

know

it

was so weird," she

didn't

did. "I

said.

"Did you ever have an orgasm?" "Yes."

"How old were you?" "Around ten." Three hours had passed. She was on her fifth drink. He wondered if, years later, she would tell him the story a third time. Then he decided it was time to act. He asked for the check. She offered to pay. "No," he said. She seemed reluctant to go back to her room, but he managed

to

shepherd her into the

through her door.

No

elevator,

down

the corridor, and

sooner had he closed

it

behind them

than he walked to the phone and ordered four more drinks.

Then he opened

the

window and looked down over

filthy

rooftops and a thin stream of traffic heading up Sixth Avenue.

The

air

was heavy with humidity and he heard distant

thunder.

She asked about Kathy. For a moment he wondered whether to tell

her what had happened, then described

returned

home

to find Kathy's note

and the stripped apart-

ment. Right away he knew he had made

a mistake.

Kathy had abandoned him, he looked weak.

want him anymore, why should Eve? thing in her eyes, as

made him want

The

if

how he had

He

If

Now

that

Kathy didn't

could sense some-

she were seeing him

in a

new

light. It

to hurt her.

drinks arrived. This time he

was losing patience.

When

where she was lounging

the waiter

in a chair

39

let

her pay because he

left,

he walked over

by the bed, took her

to

in his

JOE FRANK arms, and began to kiss her. She yielded, melting into his arms, then pulled away. "Look," she said. "I don't think

my

can do this tonight. I'm having "I don't give a

give

me

we

period."

damn about your

period," he said. "Don't

that period crap. That's the stupidest excuse I've ever

heard."

He bed.

grabbed her again, kissed

He

lay

down on

her,

and carried her

to the

top of her and put his knee between

He

her legs. She didn't move. eyes, and kissed her face.

pulled back, gazed into her

She looked

tired

and scared. "Please

stop," she whispered.

"You'd sooner fuck

a stranger than

fuck me," he

he remembered the cab ride and how he had

He

himself for this possibility.

asked her

said.

Then

tried to prepare

to hold

him, just

hold him, and she put her arms around him and stroked him gently.

Then he

into the

When

three.

to

wash

up

—

fully clothed

or

He knew

morning and

left

the room.

He

rode

and angry.

odor of her perfume and it

down

she had

was well past

it

the elevator feeling

He seemed

tried to

brush

to it

be drowning

off his clothes

away from him. Then he walked down the lobby

and through the revolving door. Outside,

A

making believe she

kissed her on the forehead, whispered, "Good-

small, feeble, cynical,

and wave

—

under the covers.

at eight o'clock in the

He

bye," and

in the

was soaked with sweat and went

off.

he came out, she was asleep

was asleep to get

realized he

bathroom

a

storm had broken.

few people were huddled under the canopy. The doorman

was standing

down

in the street

holding an umbrella, trying to

flag

cabs.

There was

a

subway stop

a

few blocks away and he decided 40

TELL ME WHAT TO DO to

run for

it.

He

took a deep breath and plunged into the

Three blocks away, gasping, he stopped under the marquee of an X-rated movie house. His clothes were drenched. He watched the rain slanting in the wind. Traffic street.

moved

slowly along the avenue and he heard the distant siren

of an ambulance.

ducked

He

thought: / do not want

into the theater.

41

to

go home and

Fat Man

A

aron

sleep as long as possible.

tries to

When

he feels him-

self rousing, the sunlight flush against the closed blinds,

wraps

his pillow

around

his ears

and

lifts

he

the blanket over his

head, leaving a small opening for his mouth and nose, like a

He

cowl.

doesn't want to

wake up because

the hours between

eight and ten are the hardest to get through, the streets below crowded with people going off to work while he has nothing to do,

nothing to look forward

them by ing.

to.

So

if

he can get through

sleeping, he can curb the panic he feels every morn-

He

won't go

to the

bathroom because he knows

does he may never get back

wake up,

it's

to sleep,

and when he

finally

if

he

does

with a sense of sadness that he has to face an-

other day.

Then comes

the period of lying in bed holding the remote

43

JOE FRANK

He

control watching television.

game shows,

other, past

flicks

from one station

to an-

cartoons, reruns of popular old pro-

grams, and local interviews. While he watches, he forgets

himself

—

it's

almost like sleeping again

— and

he imagines

unemployed and the aged looking at television to stop thinking. But for him it doesn't hold. His mind is too active. So he gets up and begins pacing from one end of his apartment to the other. By now it might be eleven-thirty in the morning and, to pass the time, he'll go into the kitchen millions of the

and cook himself an omelet with bacon, muffins, orange juice, and fresh coffee.

fried potatoes, corn

He may

not even be

hungry, but he wants to give himself something to do, to keep busy, to

fill

at least

another thirty or forty minutes. Or some-

times he'll walk to a luncheonette near his apartment wearing his

dark sunglasses, ratty overcoat, running shoes, and baseball

cap. He'll as far

buy

a

paper

at

the counter, order a meal, and

away from other people

When

as possible, reading

Aaron was younger, he looked

other people going

at

about their business and thought, You poor slobs. You to

do something,

to get

and where

somewhere,

else

will stab you in the back. You re racing to

you can rush out and spend

any of

that.

the street

I'm a free

spirit.

it.

some

direction,

make enough money

don't have to worry about

it

as

his attitude

if it's

human comedy on my own little movie.

changed.

lonely and envious because everyone else ing in

and someone

I can observe the

and just float through

But over the years,

And I

re rushing

are you going? You re

hurrying to work where you' 11 have to kiss someone's ass

so

sit

and eating.

making an

effort,

in the mornings dressed in business

44

He began

seemed

to

to feel

be mov-

and now he sees them

suits,

carrying briefcases,

FAT subway

filing into

like a

stations

MAN

and looking

and he

for taxis,

feels

person from another planet.

He went to a small college in Iowa. It was in the sixties. He didn't take part in the marches and sit-ins, but still saw himself as a rebel. In his freshman year,

Thanksgiving.

The

car

It

was

a

he drove back

long

trip,

Manhattan on

more than fourteen hours. first stop was a

was packed with students. Their

service area just outside Cleveland.

Howard Johnson's

of a

to

more than

They

kinds of ice cream. Aaron, to the

fifty

counter

sat at the

restaurant looking at a sign that listed

amusement

of his friends, asked for even more exotic flavors. "Could please have a broccoli-mint-apple-pie-cobbler? No, wait.

I

think

orange-sunburst-chicken-nut-fudge crunch.

I'd prefer the

I

Or

perhaps the pistachio-fried-egg-okra delight with dehydrated applesauce topping and stewed lungs?" started as an accident.

It

There was

a stack

of brownies on

the counter wrapped in cellophane. Aaron took one and meant to

pay for

it,

but realized on his way back

to the car that

had forgotten. Rather than go back, he unfolded the

phane and brownies

rowed

a

ate

At the next service

it

and passed

area,

he

stole

girls,

held

it

in his lap at the

with a dozen brownies from the display plat-

it

back

to her. Finally, just outside

he emptied an entire platter of brownies into

The

two more

with his friends. At the third stop, he bor-

purse from one of the

counter, filled ter,

it.

to share

he

cello-

New York,

his

restaurants were so busy that no one noticed.

drove, he and his classmates

munched on

45

bookbag.

As they

the chocolate. But

JOE FRANK they could only eat so

many and he soon found himself with

a surplus.

By the time he got back to college, Aaron had accumulated so many brownies he thought he'd build something out of them. But he didn't know what. All he knew was that he needed more. So whenever he drove home for vacations, he stopped at every Howard Johnson's coming and going to steal as many brownies as he could, and over a period of a year he amassed two steamer trunks

and

but they didn't

stale,

way they

money

stack

rot.

full.

The

brownies got hard

He banded them

together, the

bank-heist movies. Eventually, his

in

brownie collection became famous. Students from

campus came fall,

to look at

His only problem was

it.

the brownies began to stink up his room.

was

stale chocolate

in his clothes,

his shoes,

couldn't stand the smell and decided to get

he didn't want

throw them out.

to just

something whimsical and

campus legend.

Finally,

rid

all

over the

that,

by next

The

odor of

He

his hair.

of them. But

He wanted

to

do

original, to feed his reputation as a

he came up with an idea: He'd return

them.

That Thanksgiving vacation he placed one of the trunks in his car and set out on the journey home with a new sense of mission. Now every time he stopped at a Howard Johnson's,

he would

fill

the pockets of his shirt, overcoat, and pants

with brownies, walk

sipped a Coke, furtively stale

brownies

him. Soon

all

all

at

the counter, and, while he

his pockets,

to those displayed

on the

adding

his

own

platters in front of

knew of his project. He was the They thought it was a great idea, and they

the students

talk of the college.

were

down empty

in, sit

behind him. 46

MAN

FAT

Both Thanksgiving and Christmas went well. to return

one and

stopped

his friends

every service area

at

He managed

trunks of brownies because he and

a half

in

both directions

between Cedar Rapids and New York. Then, during Easter, he arrived at the first Iowa Howard Johnson's rest stop, his with the dry chocolate squares, but the brownie

pockets

filled

platters

were gone.

He

He was

stunned. Were they on to him?

looked around, half expecting

when he noted with

relief that the

candy counter

to the

risky to

add

cashier, so

When

sat

he finished

brownies

down

— Howard

Johnson's-style

counter, paid the check, and

was too

to the stacks in front of the

he polished

his meal,

At the next plaza,

brownies had been moved

counter and ordered dinner.

at the

napkin and, holding the plate ies

be seized by security,

in front of the cash register. It

his stolen

he

to

in his lap,

— on

his plate

with his

stacked his brownit

back on the

helped him.

They argued

it,

put

left.

his friends

heatedly with the cashier, claiming they'd been overcharged, while Aaron reached into the deep pockets of his overcoat,

drew out dozens of

stale

brownies, and placed them on the

shelves over the lollipops, Caramello bars, and maple sugar

people.

By

the summer, he

managed

to return

every brownie

he'd stolen.

And

it

were converted air driers in

them

Howard Johnson's

restaurants

into cafeterias with pay toilets

and cheap

wasn't long before

the bathrooms, and not long after that he saw

closing down. Although he realized

the expanding fast-food industry

—

it

was because of

the McDonald's, Burger

Kings, Pizza Huts, Taco Bells, Kentucky Fried Chicken outlets,

and

all

the rest

— he

felt a

47

bittersweet sense of victory.

JOE FRANK

He knew

he had played

American

his small part in the decline of a great

institution.

A

movie comes on at one in the afternoon and he turns on the TV to see what it is. He won't look in the paper in advance because he doesn't want to know ahead of time that it might be a film he won't

like.

three,

He

wants

be able

as possible that he'll

to

fill

to hold out

hope

and sometimes he watches television

lying in

for as long

the hours between one and

bed with the blinds closed

until the

all

afternoon,

sun goes

down

behind the buildings. If a friend

is

planning to drop by, he takes out his guitar

and amp, plugs them

in,

and covers

yellow pads and a phone book so songs and making

But

calls.

it

if

desk with scribbled

his

looks as

if

he's

been writing

no one's expected and he

doesn't want to watch the one o'clock movie, he goes out for a

walk, unwashed and unshaven, envying the Skid

he passes because they have nothing having

left their careers

might be in the

a relief to

warmth of

a

be

and futures a

to

worry about anymore,

far

behind.

tramp wrapped

subway

Row bums

He

thinks

it

in a blanket, lying

grating, listening to the

sound of

a passing train.

In the evening he likes to get stoned because his sense of

time disappears. it

He

no longer worries about how

through the next few hours, or that

and he's blowing

it

with each minute he

and more people are younger than he journalists, artists, professors, his living

room

the mess.

He

life is

is

lives, or

—

businessmen.

feeling a mild, euphoric buzz.

doesn't worry about putting

48

he'll

make

him by that more

passing

doctors, lawyers,

He can just sit in He doesn't mind things away. He

FAT

MAN

plays his guitar or listens to music and recalls

from the

After he

was

tan. It

amusing things

past.

left college in fall.

Iowa, Aaron

He moved

came back

into a small

Manhat-

to

walk-up apartment

in

the Village and enrolled in a few courses at Columbia. His

mother paid

needed

his tuition

a job.

One

and helped out with expenses. But he

afternoon, he checked the student bulletin

board and saw a listing for a part-time janitor and gardener the Cathedral of St. John the Divine. school,

church,

and outbuildings were spread over

near the campus.

He

its

six acres of land

his

apartment

at

5:00 a.m. wearing

madras jacket, chinos, and white bucks. Carrying

case,

he would ride the subway

Broadway still lit.

in the

to the church.

The

The wind whipped

favorite

and walk from

He his

liked being out early

work

He mopped

clothes, his

There were

most of the rooms, and he tuned them

pop

station,

the sounds of rock

working

his

first

the hallways, vac-

the offices, and emptied the wastebaskets.

radios in

a brief-

was dark, the streetlamps

the trees.

job was to clean the rectory.

He

to 110th Street

city

morning. After changing into

uumed

at

rectory,

applied for the position and was hired.

Each day he would leave his

The

all

to his

way through the building

to

'n' roll.

usually got to the kitchenette around 6:30 a.m., just as

he was growing hungry. While he cleaned up, he'd help himself to a

few cookies,

refrigerator. After a

to

cupcake, or

a

his boss,

doughnut from the Mr. Wilkes, asked

speak with him because people had complained that food

was missing. it,

a

few weeks,

He

denied taking anything and stopped doing

but not right away, so suspicion wouldn't

49

fall

on him.

JOE FRANK

When

he finished

his janitorial tasks,

around 7:00 a.m., he

took his rake and sack, walked out onto the grounds, and while the sun rose and the city came to stuffed

them

into his bag,

he raked leaves,

life,

and burned them

in

the incinerator.

After work, Aaron changed back into his student outfit and

went

campus hangout

to a

called the Brass Rail.

table in the corner, ate breakfast, class. It

was there he met Greta,

a

and studied

tall,

blond

He

took a

until his first

German

waitress.

She often looked pale and wasted after a night of partying. She smoked Camels, wore no makeup, picked her teeth with a toothpick, and drank a lot of coffee. Her hands shook slightly. She told him she'd been on her own for years, ever since her father, a left-wing intellectual, had lost his teaching position in

Hamburg. She and

to classical music,

places they

made

liked to drink Black Russians, listen

talk

love.

She

about the also

men

she dated and the

spoke of becoming an

artist,

but he never saw her paint anything and she never showed

him any of her work. Early one morning, having spent the night in her room near the campus, he said,

do." still

They walked

"Come

with me.

to the church. It

I'll

was

show you what

late fall, cold,

I

and

dark out.

He

led her into the rectory and she helped him

He

felt

very decadent and romantic

clean up.

dent gardener working alongside a crazy church built

in

honor of

—

a

Jewish stu-

German woman

a Christian saint while rock

in a

music

echoed from radios throughout the building. She helped him mop the hallways and they scrubbed the laundry room and cleaned the office of the newsletter.

uuming the

library,

When

he started vac-

she stood behind him gently caressing

the back of his neck with her fingers.

50

Then

she took off

FAT

MAN

her sweater, unfastened the top buttons of her blouse, and kissed him.

He made some

coffee in the kitchenette, walked back to

down on

the library, and she sat

him.

He

his lap

and began

to fondle

kissed her, slipped her blouse from her shoulders,

and removed her oak table

tights

and whispered

in the study,

unbuckled

his belt

and shoes. She

and unzipped

his

lay

down on

him

to fly,

a large

German. He

in

his pants

dropping

He looked down at her, savoring the when the door at the other end of the room opened and an old man in a flowing black robe appeared. Greta continued to moan in German. The priest took one long steady look, turned away, his gown making a swishing sound, in a

heap

at his feet.

sight of her body,

and was gone.

A week said,

later,

Mr. Wilkes

"We checked

there's

him

for stealing food.

He

we know

no other way the food could have disappeared. I'm

afraid you're through." library.

fired

with the night watchman and

So he

No

lost his job.

mention was made of Greta

in the

He

never

Then

Greta

left

town.

found out where she went and never heard from her again.

Sometimes when Aaron's out walking, he wanders

into a

drugstore and browses through magazines, looks at clocks, cassette players, and radios locked behind plate glass, and tries

on different

pairs of sunglasses.

The

sunglasses he

wears he stole from the drugstore on the corner.

on one day, looked continued

to

tag dangling

Once, he

at

himself

wander around the

down over tried

on

He

in the mirror, liked

store wearing

his nose, until

he

put them

them, and

them, the price

finally

walked

a pair of jeans in a dressing

51

now

out.

room, tore

JOE FRANK off the plastic tag that sets off the alarm, put his

on over them, walked

to the front to pick

checked,

salesgirl,

flirted

to a large,

with a

and

own

jeans

up the bags he'd Sometimes he goes

left.

busy luncheonette, orders scrambled eggs, pan-

cakes, bacon, sausages, home-fried potatoes, toast, and coffee, eats his meal, gets a bill for

it,

counter and orders coffee and

moves

to

another seat

a Danish. Then,

at

at

the

the cashier,

he pays the amount on the second check.

One dollars

afternoon, he found a purse in the gutter with

fifty

and credit cards, and he pocketed the money, and sold

the cards to a friend.

ukulele

in a

on

store's logo

it

posted next to the

few weeks,

It

department

happened when he was playing the store. He wore a T-shirt with the

and sang the gift

store's

theme

song.

shop and managed, over

to steal brass

He was

a period of a

paperweights, leather-bound address

books, calendars, pens, and boxes of stationery.

Then, for a while, he had a job raising money for a symphony orchestra. He sat at one of about twenty tables with beige telephones in a fluorescent-lit room and called season ticket holders, subscribers to the monthly magazine, members of the Conductors' Club, and people

who had bought

a gift

from the orchestra catalog.

Once he "This is

is

unable

dialed a

a recording. to speak.

number and heard

Due

a

message on

to a recent operation,

tape.

Miss Higgins

However, she can hear you. So please leave

Then he

someone picked up the phone. Normally, he was supposed to hang up on answering

a

message."

heard a

click as

machines, but he hadn't made a sale for an hour, and he was getting nervous. "Hello, Miss Higgins?" he said. "If you can

hear me, please tap once."

52

FAT

And he

MAN

heard, Click.

"Miss Higgins, I'm calling from the symphony

Did you receive the

City.

once

stein? Please tap

letter

for yes

in

New York

from our president, Mr. Bron-

and twice

for

no."

Click.

"Good.

Do you

approve of the aims of the program?"

Click.

"Wonderful. Mr. Bronstein,

spoke of the many

which people can become involved

ways

in

One,

for

example,

income once about

in his letter,

this

is

a

in the

symphony.

pledge of two percent of your annual

a year for the next three years.

How

do you

feel

guideline?"

Click.

"I'm glad you approve. Would that be

a

pledge you'd feel

comfortable making?" Click, click.

"Then

let's find

something more appropriate.

Is

that

all

right?" Click.

"How would you feel about a pledge of one thousand dollars once

a year?"

Click, click.

"How

about three hundred and

fifty dollars

twice a year?"

Click, click.

"How

about

hundred twice

a

pledge of four hundred dollars annually, two

a year?

A

lot

of people are doing

it

that way."

Click, click.

She

finally

accepted the lowest possible contribution of $50

per year. "I'll

send you

a

formal statement of your pledge tomorrow,"

53

JOE FRANK he

said,

"and thank you

for

your very generous

Have

gift.

a

pleasant evening." Click.

Many of the people he called were old, who would tell him about their accidents, pitalizations.

Some,

break into horrible

would say to

that, as

in the

fits

middle of

of coughing.

much

as

ailing

music lovers

illnesses,

and hos-

a conversation,

When

they wanted

to,

would

they recovered they

they couldn't afford

help the symphony. Besides, they didn't expect to

live

another three years.

He worked in a

from 8:00

to 11:00 p.m. at

$4.50 an hour, sitting

group of middle-aged women, college students, unem-

ployed actors, failed pianists, and people

who claimed

were businessmen, professors, and lawyers who, street people.

sometimes

roll

up

One of them, into his

sat at a

desk pointing

aiming

a pistol.

down

you go

head

in the

his forefinger

Then he would

his co-workers

When

a black

they

one reason

were between engagements. There were

or another,

few

for

also a

man whose eyes would

middle of

and squinting

a

phone

as if

call,

he were

depress his thumb, shooting

one by one.

subway

into a

station,

you enter

a hole in the

damp. Every sound echoes. You feel as if you're in an altered state of consciousness. Time seems to stand still, yet your sense of it is heightened. You look around and see ground.

It's

that people's behavior

Some pace

is

similar to that of animals in cages.

absently up and

or lean against a wall or a

The

down while pillar,

others

sit

on benches

staring blankly into space.

There are tile walls, concrete floors, and an endless succession of columns and girders, lines of platform

is

dimly

lit.

54

FAT

MAN

force stretching in front of you and

down

into the tunnel.

You

can see that the subway stations were originally fine examples of innovative architecture.

Now

they're filthy and defiled. In

the old days, the cars had fans, stuffed wicker seats, and

Now

handles on leather straps. That, too, has changed. seats are cast

the pelvic

from

plastic

and the handles are of metal. And

movement necessary

to

push your way through

turnstile has a peculiarly suggestive feel. After to

remove the

same motion

all, if

a

one were

make everyone go through

turnstile but

the

they passed into the subway, the sight of

as

up to take a strong pelvic thrust another from behind would serve as an apt metaphor strangers queuing

human

the

at

one

for the

condition.

Early morning in the subway

seem

cleaner, the air fresher.

hours

when

a special time.

is

From 4:30

The

stations

to 6:30 a.m. are the

the night and day people cross paths,

when

tired partygoers, musicians, waitresses, janitors, night

the

watch-

men, pimps, and whores meet the early morning shift of workers, domestics, and students who have to travel a long way. Aaron liked standing on the platform and riding the trains at that time, and that's what he misses most when he thinks about his job

He in

an

at

the church.

likes the idea of an artificial

a nuclear holocaust,

ramps,

they

and

railings,

sell

zines,

underground

environment and

that

the sense of living

with long stretches of hallways, multilevel escalators. In

some of

the larger stations,

food, clothes, books, records, newspapers, maga-

and candy. You can buy

travel

city,

might have been built after

anywhere under the

never come out.

55

a token,

go into the subway,

city for years, as long as

you

JOE FRANK

Three years

mother disconnected her phone and swallowed over one hundred Tuinals. When her friend ago, Aaron's

phone just rang and rang. After trying for three hours, Dora walked to her apartment a few blocks away and buzzed the door. She had keys to both locks. After waiting a minute, she took a deep breath and let herself in. She found Aaron's mother barely conscious, lying on the bed. Spread out beside her were bankbooks, financial statements, and a will. "Let me die," she moaned. "I want to die." Dora

called, the

"Well,

Dora

you're going to go, dear, you better go quickly,"

if

said,

"because I'm calling 911."

Ten minutes later, an ambulance arrived and his mother, now unconscious, was taken to the hospital. Aaron was asleep when Dora called. "Your mother is in New York Hospital," she said. "It's an emergency."

Aaron took

a

cab uptown.

A

door of the intensive care unit. they'd

pumped

his mother's

most of the medication. At ing. "She'll

young

He

told

met him

intern

at

the

Aaron that by the time

stomach, she'd already digested

this point,

probably be out for

it

was

a matter of wait-

at least eight to ten

hours,"

said, "so you might as well go home. There's nothing anybody can do." Aaron suspected the doctor had contempt

he

for suicides.

He

He

could see

it

in his eyes, hear

it

in his voice.

also felt implicated, as if the doctor thought that he, in

some way, might be

responsible.

"I'd like to see her," Aaron said.

They walked down a

bed

a corridor to a

in a curtained-off area.

She had

room where she a

tube

down

attached to a ventilator that was breathing for her.

56

lay

on

her throat

Her

throat

FAT

MAN

looked swollen, and her head was bent as

been broken. Electrodes were fastened could see the

lit

pattern of her heartbeat as

nearby screen. There was an IV

on

A

a pole.

small, as

if

her neck had

moved

it

across a

her arm hooked to a bag

in

a hospital

gown and looked oddly

she'd shrunk.

Aaron stared

at

home one week about his dead If

if

her chest and he

tube from a catheter drained urine from her

She was wearing

bladder.

to

her and remembered his

earlier.

father,

She had begun

to

last visit to

weep

as

her

she spoke

but he hadn't been able to comfort her.

he'd seen a stranger crying in the street he would have

responded with more feeling. But he and have that kind of relationship.

They

his

mother didn't

didn't touch, kiss, or

embrace, and the thought of reaching out and holding her

hand

filled

him with dread. He would never

hood memory of her passing him

hugged him

so

warmly

to

to

forget the child-

who

Evelyn, the maid,

her bosom that he experienced a

sense of pleasure, a feeling, for the

first

time, of being loved.

me. Aaron," he whispered. But he doubted she could

"It's

hear him.

He

room and met Dora in the cobblestone courtyard behind the hospital. It was a beautiful evening in midthe

left

October.

They

could see the East River with the lights of

Roosevelt Island reflected in

by having called 911 and he you

sit in a

room and

let

If his

mother had been

of

it

it."

die?

felt

troubled

"How

You couldn't have

But secretly he

felt

can

lived

ambivalent.

so depressed that she'd tried to kill

he knew she was going

and had

He knew Dora

someone

with yourself if you'd done

herself,

it.

tried to reassure her.

to face life all

to

be furious

over again.

57

And

if

she came out

then, of course,

JOE FRANK he'd have to face her

all

over again, too.

had some money and that much of medical

bills.

But

a fine inheritance.

arrangements

if

it

He

knew she

also

could be depleted on

come into make

she died right away, he might

On

the other hand, he would have to

for a funeral.

He would

have

to call a mortuary,

place an obituary in the paper, send out invitations for the service, face to

all

bury her and

this?

of his mother's old friends, and decide where in

what kind of

he wondered. / dont know

plot.

How am

the first thing

I going to handle

about

it.

She remained in a coma for the next few days while he wondered what to do. Should he pretend nothing had happened, or tell his co-workers and his boss at the symphony? It was such a good story. His mother had tried to kill herself. She was in a coma in the hospital. It was an event. Everyone would want to know what had happened. They'd feel sorry for him. Finally, he had to tell, and eventually, as he came to tell one person after another, he began to develop a feeling for the story. For so long, his life had seemed empty, and this event had suddenly given it flavor and zest. He didn't want to

use his mother's pain to get attention, but that was exactly

what he was doing.

He didn't feel like eating and

he couldn't sleep.

It

reminded

and don't him of finals in know what day it is. You're haunted by the sense that you're not doing enough but there's nothing you can do because there's no way in a few days you can ever catch up on a semester's worth of work and you might as well not even bother to try. So he just went numb. He didn't want to think, "Oh, God, I wish she would die," and the only way to prevent college where you

that

was not

to think at

all.

58

lose track of time

— FAT

MAN

Every day he would walk down the hospital

corridors and

look into rooms where bedridden people slept, read magazines,

and gazed

at television.

He would

with flowers.

Some

of the rooms were

filled

pass recovering patients strolling the

hallways arm in arm with

members

of their families, and then

he'd enter the room where his mother lay unconscious.

And now,

for the first time,

mother and she had nothing because she was always held

woman who,

a

forth.

Aaron could

to say.

in the

sit

beside his

a strange feeling

company of

others, as

they

to sing.

Am

Brunnen vor dem

Da

steht ein

Ich

trdumt

Tore,

Lindenbaum:

in seinem Schatten

So manchen

is

was

At La Brasserie two weeks ago,

waited for the soup, she had begun

"What

It

siissen

Traum.

that?" he interrupted, embarrassed by the stares

of people at nearby tables. "

'The Linden Tree' by Schubert."

"What's the translation?"

She looked at

off

and smiled. " 'Down there by the fountain

the gate stands the linden tree.

many

a

sweet dream.'

I

dreamed

in its

shadow

so

"

"That's nice."

"My teacher told me I was her best student. She wanted me to attend the Conservatory. But you know how it was in those days. A woman was supposed to marry and raise children. No one cared about my career. Then met your father I

59

JOE FRANK and that was

my

life

Yes,

that. If I'd

had the chance

to sing professionally,

might have been completely different."

he thought. / wouldn't have been born.

"Maybe I'd be singing at the Metropolitan now," she said. "I've lost some of my technique, but the purity and the sweetness are

still

there."

She sang the second

verse.

lch schnitt in seine

Rinden

So manches Hebe Wort;

Es zog in Freud und Leide Zu ihm mich immer fort. As her voice thought

if

rose,

Aaron began

he remained

in his chair

to

squirm and cringe and

one more second, he might

begin to scream.

From

four to midnight, the nurse on duty was a young

woman from

Switzerland called Helga. She had blue eyes,

ruddy cheeks, and long blond hair wrapped

To Aaron, she looked

like a

imagine meeting her

to

would tie

lie

down on

her up with

in

in a

braided

Teutonic snow goddess.

He

coil.

liked

an empty operating room. She

the table, unwrap her braid, and let

him

it.

After his mother's death, Aaron got a job singing and playing

Upper West Side bar. The room was There were nine wooden tables with candles and

the guitar in a small

dimly

lit.

vases of flowers.

The

kitchen served hamburgers, steaks, two

chicken dishes, and steamed vegetables. At midnight, 60

when

FAT

MAN

Aaron showed up, the cook would be closing down and there

would be only hard-core drinkers left. He would hook his guitar to one input of the speaker and a lavaliere

The

microphone, clipped below

waitresses, sitting at the bar

his collar, to the other.

smoking and drinking with and half-empty

their boyfriends, wouldn't bother to clean up, glasses, greasy plates,

and ashtrays

He would

littered the tables.

full

climb onto

of cigarette butts

still

a raised platform

and

begin to sing, playing to the backs of about

slumped

at

By

the bar.

of late-night drinkers would

Columbia

University.

who had appeared and

fall

to

five or six

people

the middle of his second set a ripple

Then,

come at

in,

mostly students from

around 2:00 a.m., somebody

be listening intently would

over with his glass, overturning his

start to

stool.

Or

a

sway

group

of people would clap and yell and begin to dance, and Aaron

would think they were realized that they were

really getting into his

music

until

he

so drunk they would have done the same thing no matter who was performing. There was also a

bum

in filthy, soot-covered clothes

would stand

in the

who used

few weeks Aaron thought he was bobbing music, but

it

to stop by.

doorway, bobbing his head. For the his

head

He first

to the

turned out to be a nervous condition. Aaron did

have a few fans, two young

would shout, "Rock

'n' roll,

men rock

in their

mid-twenties

'n' roll,"

when he

who

arrived

midnight. They had become his pals ever since he had let them join him on stage for a set one night. There was no air-conditioning and no ventilation and everyone smoked. People smoked cigarettes all night, and the folat

lowing day not only did Aaron's clothes and guitar smell of

smoke, but

his eyes felt seared.

61

JOE FRANK

The

manager, Manuel, was a Chilean with the face of an

old prizefighter.

nose.

He

He had

scar tissue

above one eye and

new

fostering

He

talent.

he began

to turn

gave Aaron free drinks, dinner, and

But

fifteen dollars a night.

broken

a

who was

liked to think of himself as an impresario

as

on Aaron.

time passed and he

lost

Aaron took too long

If

he would come over and say

money, a

break

between

sets,

English,

"What do you want? What do you do? You come in sit, you talk. How can I make money if you don't

here, you

get up and play?"

The

dow. Rats

in the

He

flowers.

for a

One

floors.

and

his guitar

cut back

took the spotlight away

Budweiser sign he put

in the

win-

kitchen began to wander into the dining area,

and roaches and water bugs streamed from holes and

accented

He

bar began to deteriorate.

on the candles and the and used the current

in heavily

night,

Aaron saw

tried to kill

it

a

in

the walls

huge roach crawl out of

with his pick while he was per-

forming. Finally, the bar closed down.

A

few weeks ago, Aaron took

a beautiful fall day.

trees looked as

watched

a

if

The

was

they were on

group of boys and

were wearing Scotch sweaters.

air

The

colors

a

walk

in

Central Park.

fresh, the light clear, fire.

girls

He

sat

on

a

was

bench and

play touch football.

plaids, argyles, woolens,

It

and the

They

and Shetland

were maroon and blue and dark gray and It made him think of new books with fresh print and bindfirst days of new classes and the prelude

shades of tans and reds like the leaves. college, of the smell of

ings that break, of the to winter.

and

forth,

traffic,

When

he got back

washed the

to his

apartment, he paced back

dishes, stared out the

window

at the

turned on the TV, experienced a tightness in his throat

62

MAN

FAT that threatened to

and

him from

One

squeeze

tears

his eyes at

any moment,

breathing.

night he had a dream.

part of the city. Beside

sembled

from

crushing weight on his chest that almost prevented

felt a

It

was dusk.

him was

He was in a deserted

a five-year-old

photograph he'd seen of himself

a

boy who

as a child.

re-

They

were in a working-class neighborhood of low-rent, single-

homes with beat-up wooden porches and untended yards. There were no people, no cars passing, and no lights in the windows of the houses. He had no idea where they were, but there was a route he felt he had to follow. He did not know where it led, but they family

had

squeeze under fences, climb through prickly hedges,

to

make

their

way

across yards littered with rusty old lawn fur-

empty

niture, cut through

and enter

a

playground,

with garbage.

He

its

lots

with weeds and piles of trash,

swings gone and

pretended

it

was

a

its

sandbox

filled

game, that they were

having fun, going on an adventure, and the boy tried not

show

his fear

by playing along with him. But the sun had

gone down and

He

to

it

was getting

cold.

took the boy's hand and they walked to an old-fashioned corner. He lifted the receiver, dialed "0,"

phone booth on the and heard

a recording.

five cents."

It

was

"To place

a call, please deposit

his mother's voice.

At

first

twenty-

he couldn't

it. Then he remembered his mother worked for the phone company recording messages on tape. It occurred to him that if he could get an operator he might be able to reach

believe

her.

He

"This

is

tapped the cradle until he heard operator 473."

63

a

woman

pick up.

JOE FRANK "Hello," he in the if

said.

"My mother works for the phone company He gave her name and asked

recording department."

they could be connected. But the operator had never heard

of her and couldn't find her on the employee roster. She asked

what number he was

"There

isn't a

"I wish

I

He

calling from.

number

looked

he

listed here,"

could help you," she said, "but

you with anyone unless you place

"Look, we're

lost.

We

don't

at

the phone.

said. I

cannot connect

a quarter in the slot."

know how

to get

home.

I

don't

have any change."

"There's nothing more

I

can do."

"Let

me

"My

supervisor isn't here," she answered. "Besides, I'm

speak

to your supervisor!" he said angrily.

acting supervisor."

He remembered when

he and the boy had

Now

had been sunny and warm. smelled like snow.

it

The boy came

and they closed the door

to

first

was getting cold and

they'll

call

555-4327.

be able

He hung

to

It

keep the wind

He

it

out.

"Hang any change. Maybe

doesn't require

said.

help you."

up, dialed the number, and

it

was busy.

He hung

up, waited thirty seconds, and tried again. This time rang.

it

into the booth with him,

"There's one thing you can do," the operator

up and

gone out

it

just

hung up and dialed "0," but no one answered there

either. After listening to the

began jiggling the cradle.

phone

ring for three minutes,

Finally, in frustration

and

rage,

he he

slammed down the phone and the receiver shattered. By now it was dark outside. The streetlamps were broken and there were

still

no

lights in the

64

windows.

He

decided

to

MAN

FAT

look for help in the neighborhood. But the door of the booth

was stuck, and the harder he tried to open it the more it seemed to seal shut. The boy was pleading with him, ''Don't push

this way,

it

began

push

He

to ring.

it

that way,"

when suddenly

the phone

stared at the broken receiver helplessly,

ashamed because he knew he was responsible for everything that had gone wrong and the boy, who was crying, would never forget it. And they huddled in the booth, a raw wind blowing outside, a light snow beginning to fall, the phone ringing and ringing and ringing. feeling inept, frightened, and

When

he was younger, Aaron ate just about everything.

was proud of thirties,

his iron

he drank

stomach. Then,

was

a

when he was

Coke, belched, and

near his heart, as

left breast,

chest. It

a

if a

felt a

He

in his late

pain below his

bubble had burst inside

his

completely unfamiliar feeling. For years he'd

seen ads for Alka-Seltzer, Pepto-Bismol, and Maalox, and had felt

disdain for people

But now,

who had

trouble with their digestion.

times during the day, he takes different

at various

kinds of antacids while continuing to eat

When and

a

he goes

to

McDonald's

he'll

have

a

at fast-food joints.

Big Mac, large

medium Coke. At Kentucky Fried Chicken,

fries,

three pieces

of extra crispy chicken, coleslaw, and a Coke. At Pizza Hut, a small plain pizza

tuna with

on

a

huge

oil, roll.

and

a root beer.

at

Subway, he orders

mayonnaise, green peppers, onions, and olives

Then

he'll

go

to a chocolate-chip-cookie store

and buy for a

Or

a half dozen cookies, or stop at a Dunkin' Donuts doughnut and coffee, or go to a Haagen-Dazs for a cone

or a sundae.

65

JOE FRANK Recently, he's put on so

much weight

that

he gets winded

putting on his clothes and has begun wheezing like an asthmatic. He's afraid to or break

bend over because something might pop

straightening back up, he might see stars, go into

or,

tunnel vision, brown out.

can't back the chair his belly.

those weird

fat

table, the table cuts into

to

state,

and he looks

in a restaurant. Passing

be

a

problem

— but now he takes up the fit

he's sitting in a fast-food

bolted to the floor and he

away from the

guys

ways never used can't

is

He'll catch sight of himself in a mirror, sitting in

unwashed and unshaven

that

side

When

where the furniture

restaurant,

— he'd

when

dinner, his stomach serves as a

tray.

ach in his hands. "Yes,

feel

it

focate

back,

is

now

a

someone. And it

won't be easy

says,

bed eating sil-

"the more you

you can't be reached.

holding his huge stom-

monument to my The mission-

difficult.

problem because he's if,

And he

but slope

can put plates,

stands as a

become

excess." But making love has ary position

layer, so

sits in a chair, I

one

it.

surround yourself with another

He

fall

he's lying in

He

"The more weight you put on," he insulation."

in door-

entire space himself.

outward, resting on his belly, and

It's like

people

one of

just swivel to

into his clothes anymore. His ties don't

verware, and a napkin on

like

afraid he'll suf-

on the other hand, he

for her

because

she'll

have

lies

on

his

to straddle

his giant belly.

A few weeks ago he was caressing a prostitute he'd picked up in a bar. They were fully clothed on the sofa in her apartment when he had an orgasm. As he got up, he saw a red stain on the lap of her white dress and assumed she was having her period. But in the bathroom, his pants and under66

FAT

MAN

pants soaked with blood, he realized

"You know, when led,

I

he

novel

.

says. .

.

I

had come from him. life

I've

shame, disgust. I'm a waste and

"But when

well,

it

think about myself and the

feel self-loathing,

failure," in a

I

I

imagine myself

a

as a character

think I'm pretty interesting, kind of

offbeat, intriguing, entertaining."

67

Night

K

evin c

vacuumed

the pool.

measured out the chlorine. took on a its

clear, bluish

hue.

He brushed down the walls and When he was finished the water He gazed up at the house, with

bay windows, exposed timber, and steeply pitched

Then he looked wiches

at a

over

table

at

under an umbrella.

The

wife,

slim and

dark-haired, wore a loose-fitting sundress and sandals.

husband, balding and overweight, wore sizes too large for him.

leave,

roof.

the middle-aged couple eating sand-

When

a

Her

sweatsuit several

he saw that Kevin was ready

he got up, tightened the drawstring around

to

his waist.

and walked over.

"Thank

you, Kevin. Great job."

and they shook hands. As Kevin drove off in his Land

He

gave Kevin an enve-

lope,

69

Cruiser, he

remembered

JOE FRANK with distaste the time he had removed insects that

had collected

purification

system

ther

seemed

ple he

worked

and

tried to explain the

them, and their faces went blank. Nei-

it

cleaned and maintained. Like so

They many peo-

how the equipment they They knew which buttons to press

they had no idea

for,

really operated.

and what

in the filter

of leaves and

interested in the operation of the pool.

simply wanted

owned

to

bits

dials to turn,

everything they

but without repairmen to rely on,

owned would fall apart and they wouldn't be it. What would happen if a catastrophe

able to do a thing about

destroyed the comfortable world they lived in?

How

would

they survive?

You didn't need pending

disaster.

to

The

be a religious zealot

to believe in

im-

world seemed poised on the edge of

an abyss. Tremors were recorded every week and a major

earthquake had been predicted.

When

spread quickly, fueled by the Santa

burned off the brush on the

and when the

came, the rocks and mud, without roots Pacific

A

to

and had watched

they fires

rains

hold the earth in

few months ago, on the

Coast Highway, Kevin had sped through

falling stones

started

Ana winds. The

hillsides,

place, collapsed in avalanches.

fires

in his

a torrent

of

rearview mirror as a

mountain of rubble rose behind him. Violent Pacific storms were followed by high

surf.

When

the skies cleared, twenty-foot breakers would crash into the

supports of homes, battering them with

oil

drums and

pil-

washed down from the canyons. The salt spray of the surf created a haze that was like a thick fog and the smell of the ocean was so strong it seemed as if you were ings that had

passing along a beach

when you were 70

half a mile inland.

NIGHT Sometimes the odor had the sickening

taint of animal carcasses

that floated to the surface of the water

and rotted along miles

of beaches.

When

the ocean tide rose into creeks and streams, they

backed up and swamped inland

Kevin had

to

wade

areas.

to carry

a recent flood,

buy provisions

waist deep in water to

supermarket, using his surfboard his

During

at a

out groceries, while

neighbors piled into rowboats and motor launches sent to

them from their homes. A crime wave was also in progress. Cars were burglarized for radios and stereo systems. Houses were robbed for computers, TVs, and stereos. Offices were broken into, files and rescue

records taken, fired at cars

the buildings sometimes torched.

from overpasses and

hillsides,

The

cutions occurred almost daily.

Gunmen

and drive-by exe-

police were increasingly

on edge.

One

night, as

saw flashing a

Jaguar

he stood outside

a bar

lights in the distance,

XKE

being chased by

by the highway, Kevin

heard

a siren,

a sheriff's patrol car.

hear rock music blasting from the Jaguar as high speed.

When

it

The car swung back on

headed toward the ocean, and almost went over the last

sweeping

moment, spin.

He

could

approached

the Jaguar swerved into the parking

Kevin leaped onto the porch. at

and watched

it

at

lot,

the road,

a cliff

when,

corrected itself and veered into a long,

Kevin watched

as

it

crashed against a bus

bench and ended up facing south on the northbound shoulder of the road.

The

patrol car pulled

a pistol.

He

up and an

officer

jumped out holding

ran to the driver's side of the Jaguar.

move," he shouted, "or

I'll

blow your head

71

"Don't

off." His partner,

JOE FRANK crouched behind

also holding a revolver,

repeated, "Don't move."

Then

a

phone booth and

both deputies fired a num-

ber of shots from different angles and one of them ran to the patrol

When

car,

got a shotgun, and blew out the rear window.

they lowered their guns and opened the door of the

Jaguar,

the driver spilled out of the

tiny pistol.

More

CHP

and

by an ambulance and a

car,

still

clutching a

sheriff's cars rolled up, followed

engine, and within an hour the

fire

body had been removed, the Jaguar towed away, and you known anything had happened except for the skid marks on the highway and the smashed edge of the bus

wouldn't have

bench.

My

earliest

memory

is

of

a goat running around behind me. I

drank goafs milk because I was a sickly

little girl

and couldn 7 drink

regular milk.

My father owned a above

it.

I wore

my

We lived in two rooms hand-me-downs and kept them in an

religious bookstore.

sister's

orange crate in the corner of our room.

I was pretty much

left

alone. I'd go to

a

Planter's Peanut store

where they gave mefree peanuts. I used to sit in the back of a newsstand where they'd

let

me read comic

books

I'd walk to the park to watch a

if

I was

quiet.

On Saturdays

band play.

home in his Land light when a Chevy

Later the same night, Kevin was driving Cruiser.

He

was slowing down

Nova sped around screeched to a halt

for a red

his left side, at

the

light.

cut in front of him, and

Kevin

tried to stop as fast as

he could without skidding, tapped the Chevy's fender, and

72

NIGHT saw the Chevy's reverse into park

lights flash as the driver

threw

his car

and jumped out.

"You asshole!" he

"You did

yelled.

on purpose!"

that

"Sorry," Kevin said. "It was your fault."

"Fuck you, shithead!"

The

driver's girlfriend

was staring back through the

window. Kevin waved him

The man

off.

ran back to his car,

got a beer bottle from the back seat, and threw

on the

truck. It shattered finger,

jumped

into his car,

Then he

grille.

and sped

off.

rear

it

at

Kevin's

gave Kevin the

Kevin followed him

onto the freeway, threw his truck into low, came up against the at

bumper of

the Chevy, and pushed

seventy miles an hour, the

two hundred yards

it

smoking,

car's tires

its

brake

screaming bright red. Both vehicles careened onto the

lights

grass at the side of the road.

Kevin got

out.

hero?" he shouted.

"Still feel like a

He

turned and walked back to his truck. As he lifted himself into the cab, the driver and his girlfriend

They

wrestled Kevin to the ground, and while the

scratched

him and pulled

smashing

his

Kevin's keys from the Patrol. Five

shone

light

its

his hair, the

Land

ing.

gun and

The

beat him savagely,

Cruiser's ignition and called the

minutes

on Kevin.

He

later a police car pulled

had

later,

told

Kevin

three

sheriff

more

to

up and

a black eye, a cut lip,

long bloody scratches on his cheeks.

moment

man

woman

head repeatedly against the fender. Then he took

Highway

ing a

jumped him from behind.

An

officer

came out

and

hold-

put his hands behind his head.

patrol cars raced

who questioned him

mer Explorer Scoutmaster, but

up with

A

lights flash-

turned out to be his

for-

neither acknowledged the other.

73

JOE FRANK my

/ remember once, when I was riding on the back of bicycle,

I

sisters

me into sticking my foot between the spokes of and my foot twisted around backwards. I got off the

her talk

let

the rear wheel

and dragged myself home. My ankle was bloody. I couldn't put it. But my father wouldn't take me to the hospital. "You

bike

weight on

'

got yourself into

a doctor

He

who

he said,

had a fracture,

My father

six months.

my

'

'

'and you 7/ get out of

lived in the neighborhood saw

realized I

over

this,

was

so he set

my

so angry about

'

it.

me limping in I

leg.

it

was

Finally

'

the street.

a

in

cast for

he broke a yardstick

back.

To pay

for

damages

ends cooking

at

Chevy, Kevin got

to the

When

the Marble Inn.

on week-

a job

he got off work

at

eleven, he sat at the bar, had a few beers, and played darts the back for money. Sometimes a friend would

in

come

with cocaine, and Kevin would walk out to the parking

and snort

Once

lines off a mirror

a folded

A

and people put

was about

their cigarettes out

to leave

hand over

and collapsed.

when

a

man

bottles littered the

on chairs and

his chest, blood trickling

The doorman

tables.

covered the man,

Then Kevin

who now

in the

bumped

into another

parking

lot.

man,

Kevin

between

his fingers,

shouted, "Get some coats," and

lay

rack,

and

sprawled on his back on the

ran out to see

porch or

room

staggered in the front door,

Kevin rushed forward, grabbed coats off the coat

floor.

cover.

rock band played music so loud the inn was shak-

Everyone was drunk. Empty

ing.

matchbook

the inn was rented for a party that went on until

daybreak.

his

through

in lot

if

there was anyone on the

As he came through the door he

his face bruised

with blood.

74

and

his hair

matted

NIGHT "Did

a

guy

just

come

he said

— then

and

ran.

belt.

off.

sticking out from

The man

Kevin watched him dart through the parking

Kevin heard the gun a

pistol

Kevin backed

ran after him. Just before the

under

a

asked. Kevin

"We're closed now,"

steps.

saw the butt of

under the man's

man

here?" the

in

pushed him back down the

parked

ing, carried

it

car,

back

man

clatter to the

Land

lot

and

cut across the highway,

pavement.

looked around to see to his

turned

if

He

found

it

anyone was watch-

Cruiser, and slid

it

under the

seat.

The next day Kevin bought a case of .38 caliber cartridges. He took the pistol to a deserted part of the canyon, lined up a

row of empty cans, and

Later, he hid the

fired at them from about weapon and the cartridges in a

thirty feet. tool

box

in

the garage.

/ ran away again and again. Once I went to Chicago. It was the summer between my junior and senior year in high school. I stayed at the Maryland Hotel on Rush Street and worked as a go-go dancer. I tried to get a job as a waitress and ended up selling bags of pills

on the

street.

Kevin lived with girls,

a surfing

buddy of

his

named Mike. Two

both unmarried with infant children, were staying there.

Mike was involved with one of them, Beryl, and the other, Linda, moved in because she was a friend. Before leaving for work one morning Mike asked Kevin to sell a pound of Panama Red to a customer he expected that day. Kevin hung out at the house and sold it to a student who got busted later that afternoon, and at around midnight, 75

JOE FRANK Kevin, Mike, and the two

girls

were

sitting in the living

room

watching television when suddenly the front door smashed off

its

hinges and

fell flat

gun shouted, "Freeze stormed

in.

— police,"

to sign confessions

with a shot-

to

send them

Then someone

to jail

girls

and

read to Kevin, step

had taken place since he had arrived

house, including the fact that he had sold a pound

of marijuana.

county

A man

and troopers and deputies

by threatening

step, everything that

in the

floor.

In less than twenty minutes they forced the

take away their children.

by

on the

jail

He

pled guilty and spent two months in the

waiting to be sentenced, living in a holding tank

with junkies, thieves, unroll toilet paper

rapists,

and

on people and

a crazy arsonist

set

them on

who would fire as

they

slept.

One of Kevin's cellmates was a tall, wiry man named Jenkins who had been arrested for rape. Six months earlier he and four other men had raped another inmate. The night Kevin arrived, Jenkins

Three days a pillow hit

standing ass,"

he

at

came over and

later, in

him.

the morning,

He

lifted

told

him he had

when Kevin was

a cute ass. still

asleep,

himself groggily and saw Jenkins

the foot of his bed with a leering grin. "Hi, cute-

said.

Kevin stared

at

him, then slowly got up.

That night there was a card game. Kevin was dealing when came up behind him, hooked one arm behind Kev-

Jenkins in's

head

in a half

nelson and, with his other hand, grabbed

Kevin's crotch. "I want to look at that cute ass of yours," he

Kevin drove his elbow into Jenkins's ribs, turned, and punched him. Jenkins fell and Kevin kicked him in the stom-

said.

ach. Jenkins crouched

on the

floor, lifted

76

himself slowly, and

NIGHT was about

down

charge

to

at

Kevin when he saw

the corridor. "I'm going to

kill

a

you," he

guard coming said.

But nothing happened because Kevin made friends with

man

an enormous black

when

Every December,

called Pockets.

the weather turned cold, Pockets would get himself

rested and spend a few

months

had been charged with putting

ar-

This winter, he

in prison.

trash cans in the

middle of

them on fire. Pockets knew everybody in the jail. He had been a trusty so many times he knew where every broom and towel and sheet was stored. So with Pockets who was well over six feet tall and weighed more on Kevin's side, Jenkins stayed than three hundred pounds the street and setting

—

—

away.

One day

Pockets took Kevin aside. "I saw Christ," he

"He was

with tears in his eyes.

money, but

I

know. But

I

know

He

failed

I

stared at Kevin. "Christ will

come

rich. He'll

come

and you don't answer, will

make you

He wanted some

Then he walked around

wouldn't help him.

corner and disappeared.

afflicted.

could have been an angel,

my

said,

I

the

don't

stewardship that night."

He

come as a poor person. He won't And if he asks you a question

afflicted. he'll

look at you and those burning eyes

cry."

/ got a job bartending in a club where they

had a female imperme seventy-five

sonator show. In a few weeks, the manager offered dollars to be the girl

I cut

who played the

my hair and put

had a five

o'clock

charcoal on

only male in the company.

my

cheeks to

make

it

look as

So if

1

shadow. I wore a tuxedo and introduced the drag

queens.

77

JOE FRANK The men in the show arrived in business suits in the

late afternoon.

They went backstage, sat in front of a mirror applying makeup for

two hours, and came out looking They showed

gorgeous.

how

to dance. I

me how

to

like

fashion models. They were

do my

hair,

learned a lot about being a

how

to dress,

woman from

and

watching

them.

A

few months

later,

the charges were dropped. Kevin was

released and got a job at the airport.

two-way

carried a Motorola

He

shift.

drove fuel trucks to

guided planes

When

He

and departure

move

and

areas.

a plane with a tug,

nose wheel and pulling the plane

to the

from small Cessnas

a gray jumpsuit,

aircraft, filled their tanks,

to their parking spots

appropriate location.

wore

and worked the graveyard

there was no pilot, he would

hooking the tug its

radio,

He towed

to

planes in and out of hangars,

to 707s.

The runways were

two-mile-long strips of concrete like

giant four-lane highways.

planes had touched down.

You could see skid marks where

The

grass bordering the

runways

looked lush and green

in the

mornings, but Kevin loved the

airport at night, with

white

lights

its

running along the borders

of the runways, purple lights by the taxiways, and red lights for the turnoffs.

places and fly in,

liked working there. People were going

coming from other parts of the country. They would fly out in a few hours. He felt close to centers

meet, and

He

of power.

When flew

He

in,

a

could see the machinery of business moving.

Lockheed C-5A, the

down

they shut it

suddenly,

up

it lit

the airport.

was about

darkness until

as

it

largest aircraft in the world,

The

plane descended in

a quarter of a

mile out. Then,

was landing, and looked 78

like a space-

NIGHT ship. It slipped

under radar netting so

couldn't photograph

it.

that Soviet satellites

Kevin could see people walking around

the nose area, and they looked like ants. Then, in the dark,

they rolled out an SR-71 Blackbird, the high-altitude supersonic jet. Kevin stared at its

it

mesmerized by

in the distance,

long sleek darkness. Later,

when

C-5A took

the

off,

it

created gale-force winds that rolled outward, buffeting planes

and shaking hangars.

watched

It

as

Kevin

felt a chill

run up

rose very quickly,

disappear into the distance he

it

and

his spine.

The

When

next morning, Kevin tried to enlist they learned he had been

in prison,

But the army would take anyone. and was soon on

his

way

to

He

in the air force.

they rejected him.

attended

Southeast Asia

flight school

to join the

223rd

Reconnaissance Airplane Company, otherwise known as the

Hawkeyes. One evening a famous

stripper

came

to the club.

She was wearing

a fur coat and diamond rings. After the show she gave me a hundreddollar

tip.

The next night she came back, put a bouquet of flowers

my arms, and invited me to come with her for a ride in her Lincoln. We talked for hours. Then she asked me to join her on the road. She'd pay expenses and Td drive, take care of the car and her wardrobe. Her name was Pearl. Ourfirst night on the highway, we drove for twelve hours smoking dope and playing music. Pearl had two dogs a toy poodle and a Brussels griffin who sat on her lap in the back while she read magazines and worked crossword puzzles. with another hundred-dollar bill in

—

—

PearPs next engagement was at the Silver Slipper in Washington,

79

JOE FRANK D.C.

was

It

and a

the fanciest club

Td ever seen.

was a doorman

There

and a live band. Pearl, wearing a luxurious costume, joked and danced and stripped; everyone was laughing and hat-check girl

applauding. She was the

Vd never go

star.

I couldnt believe I was

I knew

fly out,

Kevin

home.

That night Pearl and I became

The weekend drove to

there.

Sonoma

lovers.

before he was scheduled to to say

good-bye

to his

mother.

Then he went

north to see his younger sister Donna.

Donna

lived in a

rundown clapboard house on the main Kevin pulled up to the curb, got out,

street of a small town.

and walked up the front had

to

steps.

The

porch was rotted, and he

be careful where he stepped. As he came

in,

two skinny

dogs chained to opposite sides of the room began

and bark, their

on

Donna

mess," she

The

led

whine

to

wagging. Donna's retarded son, Roy,

on the

a mattress

vision.

tails

floor

under two blankets watching

Kevin into the kitchen. "Sorry

it's

lay

tele-

such a

said.

walls

were chipped and peeling. The

floor

was

tilted

toward the back, where the house was sinking. There was a

Formica table with chrome legs and three

had no cushions.

The

sink had

grocery bag on the floor was

There was

chairs,

unwashed

filled

glasses in

it.

A

with dirty paper plates.

where Kevin could see roof hallway led back to Donna's bed-

a hole in the ceiling

shingles and bits of sky.

A

room, where a dirty sheet hung on a string missing door.

When

two of which

A

radio

was playing Muzak

in place

in the

of the

background.

the song ended, an announcer said, "Nice music for

nice people."

80

NIGHT "Did you see Mom?" Donna asked. "Yeah."

"What did she say?" "Nothing much." "Was there anyone around?" "Not while I was there," Kevin

"but

said,

wasn't there

I

for long."

At

the

end of the two -week engagement, Pearl asked me to come an old burlesque theater on Times Square. When we

with her to

manager was

arrived, the

canceled. Pearl said,

for

three

in

a

fix because the other stripper

"Do you want

to

had

dance?" and I was hired

hundred and fifty dollars a week as a co-star on my first

night in the business.

When I walked out on their flies open, I

stage

and saw men

realized I didn't have the greatest

for me

to take off my

tits

row with they

in the world, they all yelled

gown. I tried to unzip

They began yelling louder, the

in the front

gasped and my bodice slipped down. When

it,

but

it

wouldn't give.

and I just got so pissed off that I grabbed

mike and said, "/ didn't interrupt what you were doing, and I

don't think I threw

it's

down

very nice of you to interrupt the

mike and walked

off.

The owner thought I was the funniest that, I

what I'm

doing. " Then

I got a standing ovation.

woman

he'd ever seen. After

worked four shows a day.

A week

later

Kevin joined

his unit.

They

flew propeller-

driven spotter planes from an airfield so riddled with holes

was called the golf course. Kevin volunteered because no one else wanted go bumping

down

to

do

it.

dawn

it

patrol

Each morning he would

the runway and take

81

for

off, rising

over

a hill

JOE FRANK covered with hundreds of white crosses. Beneath them many

more French It

was

soldiers lay buried.

a beautiful country.

Once Kevin saw

a tiger stretched

out on grass bordering a small, gemlike pool with flowers

and

The mountains were

pads.

lily

There were

jungle.

covered with dense green

rice paddies, sculpted flat steps in the

sides of hills filled with water, gorgeous to see from the sky.

When

the rice was

tall

they were green and you could see the

water sparkling beneath them rice

had been harvested they

above them.

The

in the

sunshine, and

lay bare, mirroring

when

the

everything

blue skies and clouds and sunsets were

reflected in terraced pools of liquid gold stretching

up the

hillsides.

There was

a village

next to the

One morning

air base.

helicopter passed over and a sniper attempted to shoot

The

helicopter turned,

minutes mounted

came back, and

a furious attack.

When

A woman

it

left,

Kevin recognized

a

down.

next twenty the west side

women, and

of the town was in flames. Old men, flooded the base.

for the

it

as the

children

manager

of a small bakery was carried into the hospital, and Kevin

stood there and watched her die.

The Americans had blown

her up and tried to save her, and she had passed away without saying a word.

One

night,

Kevin and another

City, a street of bars

down

and clubs

pilot,

to a brothel called the Circus of

a

They wandered

Love. In a back room,

bed while a young Vietnamese girl leopard-skin bikini gave him a massage. When she

Kevin stretched out on wearing

Dave, drove into Sin

in the village.

a

82

NIGHT was finished, she asked, "Want

You never get anything answer, she lay to his.

like

down and

to

boomboom?

I

pretty good.

me." Without waiting

him

for

to

pressed her tight small body close

Kevin recoiled, pushing her away.

Kevin and Dave walked up

and

to the roof of the brothel

got stoned. In the distance they could see flares, falling slowly

from the sky, bathing the jungle

bombs exploding

in brilliant flashes. It

and the

were

fact there

burned and

killed

though Kevin

A

minute

to their

a

gorgeous display,

piquancy

about

to the

moment,

it.

town was under

Kevin

attack. it,

wondering

Should they put up the canvas top

falling in, or leave

it

down

to

so they could

quickly? Should they hold grenades with the pins

Then

out and carry their weapons with the safeties off?

heard a

and

light,

beings out there being

jeep and squatted under

to get to the base.

keep grenades from

jump out

a certain

tried not to think

later the center of

and Dave ran

how

added

was

human

invisible

yellow

in a ghostly

shrill

whistling sound and saw an old delivery truck

coming down the mid-thirties.

they

road. It looked as if

Two men

in

it

had been built

in the

faded blue pajamas stood on each

running board, blowing whistles

as if to

warn people out of

the way. But there was no one on the street, and the truck

was only going about

five miles

an hour. Dave began laughing

uncontrollably, gasping for breath, tears running

down

his

cheeks. Kevin put his arm around his friend and watched as the old truck approached and finally passed them, a

mound

of dead bodies piled high on the back.

They didn't make it back. About a mile out a The jeep careened out of control and smashed

grenade

Pinned down under heavy

on the road

crossfire,

83

Kevin

lay

hit.

into a wall.

JOE FRANK beside Dave, who, bleeding from

head wound, was trying

a

to peel the unit sticker off a piece of the

A

few minutes

A few most in

later,

weeks before

the world. I

for silicone

Dave my

broken windshield.

died.

birthday, Pearl asked

me what I wanted and she paid

said I wished I had larger breasts

shots.

my bosom was large and beautiful and gave me more confidence. Pearl told me I looked like a goddess. But a few years later I had terrible pain, and my breasts turned black. The doctor had shot me full of industrial silicone. I had two mastectomies and they put in implants. After the treatments,

My first night back on stage I was scared to death, and jewelry hid it all and no one A while later, I left Pearl. By

but body makeup

noticed anything. then,

Vd developed my own foland to take my audience laugh and cry and fall in

lowing. I tried to pick music that told a story

through every emotion. I wanted them to love with me.

Vd tease them, flirt with them,

yell at them, toss gloves

and let them unzip my gown and powder me with those big powder puffs. They really liked me. I had a lot offans for a while. at them,

After being discharged, Kevin drove up to Sonoma. While

he was away

his

mother had written

to tell

him

that

Donna

had stomach cancer that had spread to her liver and intestines. She was staying at home because there was no point in dying in a hospital. It

was almost midnight by the time Kevin got

Donna and Roy were mother.

It

caked and

asleep.

He

sat

to the

house.

on the porch with

his

was the second year of the drought. The earth was dry. Ants, in search of water,

84

swarmed

into people's

NIGHT homes. They formed

to sinks

trails

and

There was

toilets.

nothing you could do to keep them out. "I can't get

Donna

mother

to eat anything," his

said,

"and

all Roy does is sit by her bed watching television with the volume up while she tries to sleep. He's so rude." Kevin went into Donna's room. At first he couldn't tell if she was alive or dead. Her mouth hung open. A stream of ants crawled over her left arm, across her chest, up her neck,

and off

to the corners

of her

lips.

some paper towels from

them, and rushed back

Kevin ran into the kitchen,

the dispenser above the sink, wet

her room. "You've got some ants

to

here," he said softly, and began cleaning her up.

The

to take forever.

ants were

all

over her.

damp paper

much

them with

towels and went after

grabbing and crushing the

They

It

seemed

crawled out

He wiped them away

of her ears, her nose, and her hair. the

tore

with

his fingers,

of them. "I'm sorry I'm so

last

Ma," she mumbled.

trouble for you and

moved down

After Donna's funeral, Kevin

to the

south fork

of the Stanislaus River and lived in the woods by the water.

He had a sleeping bag, a few pans, Every two weeks he would go he would

sit in

in his car

and drive back

a bar, drink

coffee, cooking

oil,

a coffeepot,

into

his clothes.

town and buy food. Then

beer until the bar closed, and get

to the river.

soup,

and

chili,

He

bought tuna, eggs,

cigarettes, a couple of six

packs, and a small bottle of whiskey.

At

first

he borrowed books from the

he did not want

much about into

to read,

anything.

town he would

He

and

library,

lay in the

got so

listen to

still

but soon found

sun without thinking

inside that

when he went

people talking and could not

85

JOE FRANK imagine

why

they were saying the things they were because

there was no sense in that kind of casual conversation.

It felt

strange to even say hello.

He

stayed at his campsite by the river for six months.

he rented

a cabin at the

end of a

dirt road

County

a card table in a bar called the

cards to people

who wanted

admitted they wanted in their eyes.

lost

dealt

He could see it The most popular game

game people who

It

was

a

game

for

regularly lost at poker

would win. But

anyway.

more and more alone. He thought who worked in the sawmills, in the small

As time passed, he about the regulars factories

He

but they did.

all losers.

liked to play since the worst possible hand

they

Then

running

money. They never

was lowball, which was backwards poker. losers, the sort of

a job

Saloon.

Jail

to lose their

to lose,

They were

and got

felt

and the mines. They

sat,

talked, drank, played cards,

and eventually became old bums. Near the end, they lived

A lot of them played lowball When they lost too much money,

on small pensions or on welfare. with their Social Security.

they slept in the streets, and they died without ever doing

much or accomplishing anything. One of them, an old tramp named Hardy, would sit on the curb outside the bar and sing a

hymn: Jesus' blood never failed

me yet

Never failed me yet This one thing I

For he

loves

me

know so

Jesus' blood never failed

86

me yet.

NIGHT Once, I

worked

a

in

theater in the

Midwest that used one

girl

a

and play ed X-ratedfilms Thejanitor also worked as the comic. He'd come on stage and introduce the stripper, the stripper would dance, he'd give her a big exit, tell a few jokes, and announce the week

.

movies coming on. There was a blizzard the week I was

my

couldn t drive to

and the

next gig,

there.

I

other stripper couldn 7 get into

town. So I ended up staying for three weeks. Each week I performed as someone routine,

else.

and my

I changed my name, music.

I was leaving the theater,

and said, 'You know,

my wig, my costume, my dance Near the end of the run, when a man who was a regular came up to me

No

one knew.

you're

a

lot better

than the girl last week.

"

Eventually, Kevin left the club and lived on the streets.

He would

go to a mission

in line for three a

bed

for the night.

with tired, unshaven

mon. Then they

all

fresh pajamas issued

The

at

two

in the

afternoon and stand

make sure he could get dinner and Once inside, he sat in a room crowded

hours to

men and

listened to a forty-minute ser-

ate sandwiches, took showers, put

by church volunteers, and went

on

to bed.

mission was near the waterfront, next to the railroad

tracks,

and the building shook whenever

Lying on

a park

bench one

there was in living.

bered the

pistol

He

felt

it

rumbled

by.

Kevin wondered what point

unhappy

all

the time.

he had stolen after the shooting

Inn and wondered where

be simple

day,

a train

was. If he had

to place the barrel against his

it

at

He rememthe Marble

now,

it

would

forehead and press

Then he asked himself, had he really tried to make things better? The answer was no. He sat bolt upright. What could he do? He needed to talk to someone. He thought the trigger.

87

JOE FRANK of his favorite cousin, Andrea,

who was

studying

She, too, had once had problems.

Fullerton.

and hitchhiked down

walked

to the freeway,

told her

about his sense of emptiness, how

and she

ingless to him,

ment

told

Cal State

at

He

got up,

to see her.

He

seemed meanhim about Luke and the movelife

called Angel.

Andrea was an

initiate.

She had been given

a mantra,

which

another human being. She chanted it to Once promiscuous and heavily into drugs, Andrea had straightened out since joining Angel. She was now back in college. She told Kevin that Luke was a remarkable man who had great insight. He was a teacher, a prophet. Some

she was never

to tell

herself every day.

believed he was the incarnation of the apostle Luke. His lec-

were broadcast on radio

tures

stations

Andrea took Kevin one evening private

They in a

meeting

in a large

home. The people there seemed warm and

smiled and hugged each other. Kevin

room

full

At eight o'clock, they

sat

all

seemed

down on rows

caring.

felt like a misfit

of love. There were people of

children to old-timers, and they

Luke

around the country.

to a

all

ages, from

like a family.

of folding chairs.

entered from a side door, walked across the room, and

sank into

a sofa

the presence of

on

a raised platform.

He

God. Then he asked

began by invoking

first-time visitors to

introduce themselves. Kevin tried to think of what to

his turn

receiver

He When

say.

had never felt comfortable speaking in front of people.

came he stood up and said, "I feel as if I'm a radio but I don't know what I'm tuned to." He was struck

by Luke's dark eyes. "Let's see

if

we

He

felt as if

he were staring into a well.

can tune you in,"

88

Luke

said,

and

it

was

as

NIGHT if

someone had taken hold of the

hair

He

on Kevin's head.

felt a jolt.

At

Kevin was barely able

first,

Luke's lecture. His

to hear

mind slipped away. But when Luke spoke of acceptance, and responsibility

Kevin began

to others,

to listen.

love,

Actions

based on these principles represented the highest path. To

be spiritually

free,

you could not be attached

could love other people, but only in the If

you

spirit

someone through

tried to control

of detachment.

love, if

certain expectations for the other to meet,

You

to anything.

you

set

up

you were not loving

with detachment. ''There

Luke

a thing called consciousness

is

which we

all

share,"

"We

don't invent it individually. Each one of us body of consciousness. Your consciousness is in my consciousness, and mine is in yours. You and I are the same consciousness, the same thing communicating with itis

said.

a cell in the

self.

Consciousness

is

are drops of water in

universe. is

What does

everything. It

that doesn't.

everyone

The that

do?

and we

there

is

all

it is

God

doesn't do anything.

It

piece of

God

remember

is

itself

in

to

it.

We

it is

It is all. It

and the part

you and

that doesn't

God. And

a part of to

belong

a creator, a spirit in the

spark of the soul that

little

learning

is

it

And

both the part that knows

is

the parts of

that all

is

like a river, it.

your job

that they are

me

know

and

itself,

to

help

God. That

is

the purpose of teachers, avatars, and prophets."

When Luke

began discussing magnetic

realms of mind, and the holy

he liked doesn't

it

when Luke

seem meant

said,

for you,

spirit,

"If

it

light, reincarnation,

Kevin

you don't have

89

lost interest.

But

doesn't apply to you, or to accept

it.

You

JOE FRANK should only use what feels way. If

Do

you.

My way may not We love you. We

right.

go find your way.

isn't,

it

be your support

not abdicate your responsibility to yourself and to

others, but operate for the highest concern of everyone as

often as you can."

When Luke

finished, everyone stood

up and began hug-

ging. Andrea took Kevin over to Luke, who shook his hand, embraced him, and said, "You should stop smoking. I see dark spots on your lungs."

had an agent in New York who booked my shows around the But business turned bad. To cut costs, theaters dropped live shows and ran porn films instead. I performed in clubs that were /

country.

filthy,

roach-ridden firetraps

shows, so I

have a

had to

mens room

bar of a club

and

the

his feet

cops

my own

man

into

of them weren' t equippedfor live

lights

me

and sound. One didnt even

carry boards from behind the

a makeshift platform I had to walk through .

and a drunk doing his business turned me and gave me a shower. I remember sitting at

to get there

around to look at the

Many

stage; the bartender helped

bar and pile them the

bring

.

in

next to

Des Moines when I heard a whooshing sound

me slumped forward. The

and pulled him behind the counter. in and started asking questions. I

came

anything.

When

they

left,

bartender grabbed

Ten minutes

later,

two

told them I hadn't seen

the bartender threw the

man's body in

the

alley.

Kevin made an appointment

for a

"mind study,"

meeting with Luke. The study cost one hundred

a personal

dollars.

the day of the meeting, Kevin drove out to Luke's

90

On

home

in

NIGHT He

Malibu.

waiting room until he was ushered into

sat in a

the study.

"You've been

in jail?"

Luke

asked.

Kevin nodded. your

"I see

around your head.

lives like a fan of cards

I

see

your present existence by the structure of your body, the aura

around I

it,

the magnetic field on which your

life is

see your future in the form of a seed. Let

mind and see what you look

eternal

Luke

"We

enter the

like."

folded his hands and stared up at the ceiling.

ask

now

which

for that

forward.

We

keeping

in

be placed

to

ask for

it

later.'

it

of Christ.

We

ask

with perfect love and understanding,

his destiny

to

on

this planet."

Kevin.

"When you were This was

in the spirit

the highest good for Kevin to be brought

is

mind

Luke turned Til do

played, and

me

in school,

you put things

off.

You

said,

You daydreamed and you failed." Kevin had dropped out of high school.

true.

"You say you were

in jail.

Drugs?"

"Yes," Kevin said.

"Your use of drugs

is

damaging

to

your consciousness. You

have nerve damage."

Luke continued. "Your mother was

when

in the tribe of

Aaron during the Exodus

the Jews wandered for forty years in the desert. While

Moses was on the mountain receiving the laws from God,

many began worshipping drunken

orgies.

her iniquity. trial,

She

the golden calf and took part in

participated,

When Moses

and you were the child of

returned, the guilty were put on

and your mother was cast into the desert, where you 91

JOE FRANK were born were

a bastard

spiritually lost

who

did not

know

You became

nomad and

believe

in.

the

you were leading. And your

life

ally

coping with that

Your

own

his

father.

You

because you had no one and nothing a

today

that perspective,

life,

earlier life has left

a warrior

life

you scarred. This

is

to

and loathed a

way of

fin-

that situation.

is

your ancestral

heritage."

Once a bar owner tried

promised

to

pay me

later.

to cheat

me.

He

held

my wardrobe and

I started dating him because I figured,

my money, I'll make him spend his on me." He me clothes and rented me a new convertible, but it didn't make me feel any better because he owed me thousands. Finally, I came to his office and said, "You're going to pay me or else!" He laughed and said, "Oh yeah? You'll get your money when hell "If I can't get

bought

freezes over. "

popped the

So I marched

and drove

clutch,

out, got in the car, it

revved the engine,

right through the plate glass

door of

his club.

Kevin

first

noticed he was losing his sense of smell

he was eighteen.

He

had been smoking cigarettes

People had told him smoking cut down on the but he had not taken

it

seriously. Years passed.

when

for years.

ability to smell,

He would walk

room and someone would remark on the odor of bread in the oven or of garlic drifting out from the kitchen, and Kevin barely noticed. In the last six months he had smelled nothing. A doctor told him there were polyps in his nose. It required an operation to remove them. But Kevin into a

baking

couldn't afford

it.

The

polyps began to block the passages

92

NIGHT that allowed moisture to drain trils.

to

Sometimes

his

wipe them with

night,

when he

from

and into

his eyes

his nos-

eyes would well up and he would have his sleeve.

slept. In the

The

condition worsened at

mornings he would wake up,

his

face covered with tears.

The

building that housed Angel's cultural center was in a

valley north of Santa Barbara. Kevin

when

the group worked

grounds. details to

The

day began

were assigned.

first

visited

on

maintain the house and the

in a

conference room where work

When

Kevin heard there was plastering

He

be done, he volunteered.

spent the rest of the day

and sanding the walls of the

scraping, plastering,

a Saturday,

to

library.

In a few months, Kevin was admitted to the center.

moved It

room he shared with three other men.

into a small

was downstairs, on the shady side of the building.

lived out of a trunk

maintenance man.

He

under

He

his

He

bed and became the center's

fixed faucets, drains, showers, light

switches, door hinges, and windows.

Angel's cultural centers were opening in

cities

the country. In order to address his followers, a

throughout

Luke purchased

Beechcraft King Air turbo prop and asked Kevin to pilot

Kevin flew Luke

to different cities

where Luke spoke

it.

to large

groups of disciples and discussed finances with the administrators

of the centers.

After a seminar in San Francisco, they stopped bar and

met

a

young

ballet dancer.

stories of his childhood.

When

93

in

the hotel

Luke charmed her with

he mentioned that they were

JOE FRANK seemed

staying in the presidential suite, she told her the suite

of the

was magnificent and had

intrigued.

a

panoramic view

city.

"Would you

like to

"Really?' she said.

come up and

see it?" he asked.

"You wouldn't mind?"

would be my pleasure," Luke said. three of them took the elevator to the top

"It

The

Luke gave her

a tour of the rooms.

He

glass of

Chivas Regal. As Kevin and the

window

at

and

Luke

the

dimmed

floor

poured each one a girl

looked out the

Golden Gate Bridge, Luke turned on the

the lights.

Then he walked

and

radio

over, took the girl's

hand, and guided her to the marble floor near the fireplace.

The

radio

was playing "The Blue Danube."

"Just listen to those violins," water.

It

Luke

said, "like

wind over

takes you back to another time, to a far

mantic century. Mantovani

is

a genius.

more

ro-

Wouldn't you agree,

Kevin?"

Luke began laughing uncom-

In the window's reflection, Kevin watched as kissing the girl's neck.

She pulled back,

fortably.

"What do you think of Kostelanetz?" Luke asked Kevin. "I don't listen to

Luke removed

him."

his silk scarf,

face and throat, and ran

it

down

brushed

it

against the girl's

the length of her arm. "You

should familiarize yourself with his earlier work," he

said. "I

work of the Melachrino Strings was outstanding. But they're really not on the same used

admire him.

to

level as

Luke wrists,

I

also thought the

Mantovani." slowly eased the

and began

to

girl's

arms behind

bind them with the

94

scarf.

her,

held her

NIGHT "What "In

are

you doing?" she

my opinion,

Luke went

on.

Kostelanetz's arrangements are top-heavy,"

"The

whiny and

and basses aren't

cellos

And

There's no foundation. Strings are

said.

enough.

the violins of the Melachrino

irritating."

In the window's reflection the

looked

girl

"My roommate

"Please!" she cried. if I

rich

is

terrified.

going to get nervous

don't get back."

"And

let's

Luke

face it,"

said,

"Kostelanetz conducts like

a

sledgehammer,

is

understated, though full of genuine emotion.

whereas

Mantovani's

conducting

style

Did you

ever hear his rendition of 'Raindrops Keep Falling on

My

Head'?"

"No," Kevin

The

girl

said.

struggled as

Luke unbuttoned her blouse and un-

"Come

clasped her bra. "Jesus!" she cried.

"Another problem with Kostelanetz too

much

of his

own

is

on!

that

Cut

it

out!"

he introduced

personality into his arrangements. In his

interpretation of 'Eleanor Rigby,' for example, Kostelanetz

completely ignores the ironic overtones and indulges

in a sen-

timentality unworthy of the original composition. Mantovani,

on the other hand,

Kevin watched

is

as

much less self-conscious." Luke pinned her against the

wall and

fondled her breasts.

"Have you ever seen Mantovani "No," Kevin said.

The

girl,

engagement

concert?"

Luke

asked.

her eyes tightly shut, was trying to free herself.

"For God's sake, don't do

Luke put

in

his at

thumb

in

this. Please."

her mouth.

Carnegie Hall," he 95

"I'll

never forget his

said, breathlessly.

last

"The

JOE FRANK air

was crackling with excitement. At the end of the concert

the audience sat in stunned silence before exploding into

They were

applause. Everyone rose.

shouting, 'Bravo,

all

Maestro,' and hurling flowers onto the stage.

was quite

It

moving."

By now, "Okay," he

the

girl

was sobbing. Kevin stepped forward.

"Enough. Let her go." He could smell her

said.

sour odor. The smell offear, he thought.

After a

moment, Luke

released her. She walked quickly

out the door, buttoning her blouse.

The two men

stared at each other.

The

Luke spoke

next day,

"There lypse.

to the

are people," he said,

Oakland chapter of Angel.

"who warn of

But what these prophets of doom

fail

a future apoca-

to address are the

personal, though no less profound, tragedies

around us."

all

Luke gazed around the packed room as he drank from a glass of water. "The discovery that you have lost your way in life can come upon you relatively quickly, like a cataclysm. But losing your way is a slow, eroding process. Somehow you've made the wrong decisions which have taken you to the wrong is

as

places, places

from which you can not

though having committed yourself

and well along eling in

in that journey,

the wrong direction.

strength has been spent on

you

easily retreat. It

to a great journey,

realize you've

been

moving down

this path,

and you

have depleted your most irretrievable resource: time. being mortal, the temporality of your existence precious currency you have to spend, and invested unwisely

it

is

it

For,

the most

is

if this

indeed a calamity. But 96

trav-

Furthermore, most of your

budget is

is

hard for

NIGHT the sleepwalker not to lose his way,

if

he sleepwalks through

life."

/ was dating three men when I got pregnant. I didn't

know

which was the father but I told each one the baby was his in order to get

had

them all

to

pay

child support. I took

dates with any of them

and

him along whenever I

sent them pictures of

him as he

grew up. I

had to

"mixing

more crap. I became

survive. I wasn't going to take any

a master of kit.

the hustle.

" //

Fd

mingle with customers using a special

was a purse with a picture

of

"my crippled son,

a

letterfrom

my

mother,

who "needed money for an

a

bottle of pills

for my

illness,

' '

'terminal.

off

a man

'

operation, "

which, though not contagious,

"

and was

/ also became a skilled pickpocket. I could take a billfold

in just three seconds while he

was standing

there asking

me my name. As the movement became more center began to unravel.

It

eighty people working toward the like

successful, relations at the

had started out

same

as a

community of

spiritual goals but,

any group, disagreements surfaced. Should group chant-

ing in the mornings continue for two hours? Should everyone

be required ners.

to

work on Saturdays? Some people cooked din-

Some helped

central

market

out in the kitchen.

to pick

Some

grounds or cleaned the bathrooms or polished the felt

drove to the

up vegetables. Some worked on the floors.

Some

they were constantly being given the worst jobs and that

a social hierarchy

had developed. There were the popular

ones, the not-so-popular ones, the crazies, the nerds, the jocks, the cheerleaders,

and

it

was

97

just like high school.

And

JOE FRANK Luke enjoyed the comforts of swimming pool, recording studio, and

while they lived modestly, his

mansion, with

movie

private

its

theater.

He was

chauffeured around town in a

limo, cruised along the coast in his yacht, and flew to dif-

ferent parts of the country, as well as to the Caribbean, in his plane.

Then rumors began to surface about Luke's tionships with the women on his staff. It was them

forced

to crawl

naked on

all

if

he placed crystals

them

them with

while playing

cries.

He

a hairbrush

to his

vaginas for "deep

grand piano and spanked

Muzak

had given them solemn reasons

was working out bad karma from

he

on their

operating the controls of

in their

cleansing," then tied

rela-

said that

fours while he rode

backs and pulled their pigtails as his plane; that

abusive

to

drown out

their

for his behavior.

his past lifetimes.

It

He was

sacred spiritual action.

One woman's husband was devoted

his life to

shaken.

He

Luke.

Angel's lawyer.

When

The man had

his wife confessed,

confided in his closest friends, some of

admitted having heard similar

stories

he was

whom

from others. Disillu-

many members planned to leave Angel. Others wept and affirmed their loyalty. Luke was the best thing that had sioned,

happened

to

them.

How could

they question him?

How could

Luke when he had done so much for them, had taken them to other realms of consciousness, was the person they would see beckoning to them from the other side when they crossed the threshold between life and death? Luke invited the leaders of the movement to a meeting in they possibly judge

Santa Barbara to clear the

air.

A crowd assembled at the center. 98

NIGHT Luke entered the packed room and asked his most devoted followers to come up and read passages from the Bible that condemned idle gossip. Then he rose and addressed the

Condemn

crowd. "Judge not and you will not be judged.

and you

will not

be condemned. Christ

said,

greater than his master. If they persecuted "

not

'No servant

me, they

is

will per-

secute you also.'

When we got to L.A., / couldntfindajob. I

a

girlfriend told

the club

Vd been booked in had closed down

was broke and didnt know where to go when

me about a

house on

La

Cienega. I

worked

there

a personal client list and went into

business on my my apartment when my boy was away at school or after he'd gone to sleep. But sometimes he'd wake up and hear me with someone. The next day he'd ask me about it. Once he came in and saw me going down on some guy. He turned around, went back into his room, and closed the door. until I developed

own.

A to

Vd

meet Johns at

few nights

later,

during a thunderstorm, Kevin was told

prepare the King Air for immediate departure. Their des-

tination

was the Cayman

to a fuel truck,

When

drove

he saw Luke's

he heard Luke and galley.

The

until the

it

a

Islands.

Wearing

to the plane,

car,

a

and

poncho, he jogged filled

the tanks.

he climbed into the cockpit. Soon

few others drag

a

heavy trunk into the

control tower was holding planes on the ground

storm passed, but Kevin didn't

tell his

passengers.

As the plane taxied down the runway, Luke sat down behind Kevin and drew a hip flask from his pocket. He looked through the windows, which were streaming with water. Then, as the

plane took

off,

he

sat

back and 99

lit

a cigar.

JOE FRANK been thinking today of the

"I've all

interrelationship

between

things," he said. "Climate influences the nature of plants,

plants influence the variety of animals that forage on them,

and animals that eat those plants influence the kinds of animals

on them. Did you know that on certain islands

that prey

the Pacific where there are no

They

birds

rats,

the niche the absence of

fill

become rodents?

rats created.

and burrow. They eat grubs, prey on

in

They

tunnel

and lose the

insects,

ability to fly."

The

plane veered to one side, dropped steeply, and mo-

mentarily stabilized. Luke, unfazed, sucked on his

"There

will always

be cooks and

tailors

cigar.

and teachers and

doctors and farmers and clerks and businessmen and politicians and scientists and artists and soldiers.

countless others are being filled there be

room

for

someone

all

like

These niches and

the time. So

why

shouldn't

me?"

Kevin's inability to smell had dulled his sense of

He

taste.

had been losing weight because he no longer took pleasure in eating.

He

thought these deficiencies would result

in a

heightening of his other senses. But his sense of hearing

seemed

to

have deteriorated

blurred out of focus. toes. It

He

as well. Kevin's

also felt

numbness

eyes sometimes

in his fingers

and

occurred to him that he was slowly withdrawing, that

the death he had wanted was in him, and he didn't care.

She

likes to

window open

take

a long shower

rosebushes with tiny pink buds,

sapling

in the

morning and leaves

the

so that she can see her garden. There are daffodils,

and a

mulberry

a few years ago and now has branches 100

tree that

that

was a

hang over

the

NIGHT roof of her house. Its leaves come out in the spring, light green

and eats. and brown and hang on until a

translucent, followed by mulberries, which she picks fall, the leaves turn yellow

wind blows them

In the strong

off into the garden.

After showering, she puts on her bathrobe and,

with

a towel

wrapped around her

hair, sits in her dinette drinking coffee

listening to the radio.

Then she goes outside

to

Sometimes

and the she'll

and

tend the garden. She

loves not only the colors offlowers, but their fragrances

of the petals,

and

,

the silky feel

veined, grainy texture of the leaves.

go for a ride in her wine-red convertible. As she

drives along narrow, winding roads, she gazes at the mountains

and

and wildflowers, recognizes the same trees that she has seen for years, and notes their seasonal changes She likes to pass a large country club with rolling hills, wooded areas, and greens with flags grasses

.

rippling in the breeze. Whenever goes on for half

slows

down and

When

a

mile,

inhales

a

it's

spicy,

rained, the smell of eucalyptus

pungent odor she

and

writing in her journal. Folded in the top drawer

"/ guess he

and

she

it deeply.

she comes home, she listens to music

article from years ago.

loves,

"He surprised me,

knew flying was dangerous,

" she

is

sits is

at her desk

a newspaper

quoted as saying.

so he took out

a policy

in

my name." Below her statement is a photograph of Kevin and Donna leaning against his Land Cruiser. The caption beneath it reads, You don't know what it's like to be a mother until you've lost both your '

children."

101

Green Cadillac

A

nton was waiting

at

the bus stop on Marshall and Fifth.

Brooks was supposed

to

meet him. Anton had

sold Brooks his

beat-up 1968 Cadillac three months ago and Brooks

still

owed

him five hundred dollars. It was late in the afternoon and Anton was pacing back and forth getting angrier and angrier. to show up. Now it would take another him down. Anton was cursing under his

Brooks was not going

two weeks breath

to track

when he heard

a voice call out,

He turned around and The Indian had matted fingernails.

"Hey, buddy." sitting in a wheelchair.

black hair and long, thick, clawlike

His skin was the color of mahogany.

ered with layers of

"Do me

saw an Indian

filthy rags

a favor," the

and

a

Navajo blanket.

Indian said.

"What do you want?" 103

He was

cov-

JOE FRANK "Could you go Wild

Irish

to the liquor store

and get

me

a quart of

Rose?"

"Where?" "Around the corner," the Indian pointed. "Past the pawnshop. I've been waiting all day for someone to push me down to the VA. I'm going to pick up my check but I've still got cash."

Anton sighed. "All right. But if a guy pulls up in a green Cadillac, tell him I'll be right back." Anton turned to leave. "No. Wait. Let me give you some money." "That's all right. You can give me the money when I get back."

Anton began

walk up the block when the Indian called

to

out again. "Hey, before you go, could you give lift me up?" "Do you want

me

a

hand

I

going

and

"I don't to stand

to stand

up?"

have any legs," the Indian

up? Just

lift

me

said.

"How am

in the seat a little."

Anton walked around behind the wheelchair and began to under his arms. As he leaned forward, he

hoist the Indian

almost gagged from the strong odor.

"Oh God." The Anton walked

Indian winced.

"My

asshole really hurts."

off toward the liquor store.

As he turned the

corner he looked over his shoulder for Brooks. That deadbeat son of a

bitch.

Blocking the doorway of the store was a fatigue jacket holding a small

American

104

flag.

man in an army "Hey Slim," he

GREEN CADILLAC said.

"I'm trying

to get a

Can you help out

a

couple of dollars for

a pint of whiskey.

Vietnam vet?"

Before Anton could answer, the Korean shopkeeper stuck his

head out the door and began hitting the

Go

broom. "Go away.

The

vet's legs with a

away. Stop hanging around the store."

vet staggered a few feet

waving the

off,

flag in the air.

"Fuck you, you slant-eyed little cocksucking prick." Anton walked into the liquor store. He passed refrigerated cases of sodas and frozen foods. A fat black man, squatting below an island of canned goods, was stuffing a bottle of Rainier ale in his pants. He held the shelf with one hand to keep from falling over and worked the bottle under his belt. His ankles were so fat he probably couldn't lace up his hightop sneakers, and the laces were hanging open on the floor. As he zipped up his jacket to cover the bottle he glanced over at Anton. "What the fuck are you looking at?" he said. Then he lifted himself to a standing position and lumbered away. Anton wondered if the bottle would slide down his pant leg and break on the

floor.

Anton could not front of the store,

counter.

and

a

Now

find liquor

where he saw

he was standing

white janitor

and four

"D"

who had

No

bottles stacked

in line

dollars

WE MADE

A DEAL WITH

behind the

behind the black

man

The

cash register

and the janitor began writing out

The Korean woman behind

checks." She pointed

to the

placed two cartons of tampons

battery packs on the counter.

showed twenty-eight a check.

anywhere and walked

at a sign

the counter said, "Sorry.

on the

wall:

THE BANK. THEY DON'T SELL CONDOMS

AND WE DON'T CASH CHECKS. 105

JOE FRANK Anton thought, Can you him a hundred years them with his

"Yeah,

I

believe this motherfucker? It

to use all those

tampons even

building

would take

was sharing

girlfriend.

can see the sign," the

wallet and shook his head. "Look, in a hurry.

if he

You see

down

me

in

man I

He opened

said.

his

don't have the cash. I'm

here almost every day.

the street. Could you give

me

a

run the

I

break here,

please?" "Sorry," the

woman

"No

repeated.

check."

Her husband joined her behind the counter. "Too much trouble," he said. "Too many problems with checks. You come back with cash." janitor snatched

He

took hold of the boxes of tampons.

them back. "Wait

a

second!" he

the two struggled over the tampons, the batteries

counter and the black

man reached down and

in his pocket. "All right,

fucking forget

it!"

The

said.

While

fell

off the

slipped one set the janitor said,

and walked out.

Anton glanced out the window, then looked at his watch. picked up the remaining batteries, hung them on the display rack, and carried the boxes of tam-

The Korean shopkeeper pons away.

The

a fistful of

change and poured

black

two more handfuls

man

reached into his pocket, drew out it

to the pile. "I

on the counter.

need

He added

dollar bills,"

he

said.

Then he began stacking the quarters, dimes, nickels, and pennies. The woman helped him, raking the change off the counter and handing him Let

am

me

bills

out of this fucking place,

I going to have to wait? This

from the cash

register.

Anton thought. is

Jesus,

the last favor I

how long

do for anyone.

hadnt been for Brooks, I wouldn't even be down here. He If wondered if Brooks had arrived, looked for him, and driven it

106

GREEN CADILLAC away.

Then he wondered

if

Brooks was standing outside the

him he had sold the Cadillac, was down on his luck, and needed a couple more bucks. But he knew Brooks would never show. He would never get his money. Everything was fucked again. As he waited, he began to feel he couldn't breathe. "Can I get a bottle of Wild Irish Rose, store waiting to tell

please," he asked. "Just a minute, just a minute," the

Trying licorice

to

woman

calm himself, Anton gazed

whips and Hershey's Kisses and

cigarettes for sale at

of sourballs and

at jars

a

said.

cup with individual

twenty cents each. Then he looked be-

hind the counter. There was a small section of X-rated videos titles like A Hard Man Is Good to Find and Knockers Galore. On the shelf above were the bottles of liquor. When the black man finally left, the woman pulled down

with

the last pint of Wild Irish Rose.

"You don't have any quarts?" Anton asked.

"No more,"

she said.

Anton paid her and she stuffed the bottle in a paper bag. On his way back to the Indian, Anton saw a hooker swaying drunkenly a filthy

in front of a

UCLA

boarded-up

strip club.

She was wearing

sweatshirt, thick leggings that had holes near

the hemline of her skirt, and what must have once been high-

heeled shoes, but the heels were broken

off.

orange dime-store wig low on her forehead.

It

had stuck each of her fingers

in

She wore an

looked as

if

she

an electrical socket and her

head had exploded.

"Wanna

date?" she whispered huskily.

Anton felt as if he were passing through liquor and perfume. 107

a forcefield of cheap

JOE FRANK "Yeah, that would be good," he

Or dine

dancing.

what I want

When ifs

a

.

.

said.

the Carleton. Great!

a date with you.

A

"Maybe

we'll go

date! That's just

My dreams have come true!"

the Indian saw Anton coming he cried, "Oh, God,

miracleV"

"Damn "They

The

.

at

it,

I

But when he looked

wanted

a

at the bag,

he was angry.

jug of this."

didn't have any jugs. This was the

last

pint."

Indian unscrewed the cap. "I haven't had a drink

all

day."

"Did anyone show up?" Anton asked. The Indian shook his head and dug under his clothes until he found a pack of Winstons. He drew out a cigarette and crumpled the pack. "My last one," he said. He put the bag in his lap

his lips,

and

lit

the cigarette.

Then he

lifted the bottle to

took a loud swallow, and dragged on the Winston.

Anton looked down the street for Brooks. He figured the Indian would probably be getting a check for eighteen or nineteen hundred, which was a lot more than he was making at the moment. "I'd like my two dollars back," he said. "Hold on," the Indian said. "Just let me get some of this juice down." He took another swig of the wine, followed by another drag on the cigarette. Then he reached into his clothes for the money. Anton stared hard at the Indian and felt dampness under his arms. There was a bitter taste in his mouth.

The a

Indian interrupted his search to take another drink and

smoke. "I

want

The it? I

my money," Anton

said.

Indian reached into his clothes again. "Shit!

can't find anything today."

108

Where

is

GREEN CADILLAC "Keep looking." But the Indian wasn't getting anywhere. Anton screwed. First Brooks, "Just give

it!"

feel better.

a little. It's

not French champagne but

You might

like

it.

used

I

started to go. Can't see a

Anton walked up and braced a

"You want

said, offering the bottle.

might make you

this? It

doubly

this dirtball in a wheelchair.

me my money, damn

"Here," the Indian

some of

now

felt

to

it

won't

drink gin. That's

goddamn

Come

on, have

you

kill

either.

when my

eyes

thing now."

to the wheelchair.

He grabbed

the armrest

his foot against the side of the wheel. "Well, take

good look

at

the sidewalk, you prick!" he said.

pushed the chair

over.

The

Then he

Indian grunted as he hit the pave-

ment. Anton watched the wine run down the sidewalk. Indian bawled. "Oh,

shit,

my bottle!

Jesus, where's

The

my bottle?

Fucking white-trash bastard!"

A city

bus approached. Anton flagged

it

on, paid the fare, and walked to the back.

down.

He

climbed

As the bus pulled

away, he looked out the window, and saw the Indian crawling

out into the street as Anton's green Cadillac slowly cruised

around the corner with Brooks

at the

109

wheel.

Date

T

h k ey were

A

sitting in a bar.

came

waitress

The room was crowded and

to their table

order drinks. While he studied the wine

noisy.

if

they would like to

list

the waitress stared

and asked

at the ceiling.

"I don't

"Then and

I

know

if I

make up my mind," he said. The waitress turned

left.

"You know," she I

can

won't bring you anything."

worry about them

said, "usually flirting

when

I

go out with men,

with the waitress.

I

wonder

if

they

more attractive than me. But in your case there's no problem. You have a remarkable uneasiness that's quite wonderful. You make everybody feel uncomfortable. It's a gift."

find her

"Thank you," he

said.

///

JOE FRANK "This afternoon, intriguing.

Venus

know what

that

I

checked

my

chart and found something

exactly in conjunction with Mars.

is

Do

you

means?"

"No," he said. She drew an astrology calendar from her purse, opened and began to read.

it,

" 'This transit produces a strong desire for the opposite sex.

Venus acting upon Mars,

Mars upon Venus, softens make you more willing to meet

rather than

the nature of Mars and will

your partner's needs. Under

this influence, the sexual rela-

tionship will be very satisfying to both of you.' Isn't that great?"

She laughed. "Would you

like to hear

what

it

says

about you?" "Is this really necessary?" he asked.

"Of course

it

She turned

to

is."

another section of the book. " 'This transit

your interest

will arouse

because

in finding a partner

it

rep-

resents the union of the two planets that most strongly affect

the sex drive. You have a strong desire for lovemaking and

demand some form

What do you

of gratification.'

think of

that?" "I don't

know what

"Last Friday was

to think,"

I'd

hang up

in the said,

my

—

all

people because of the

day and

friends called because they

and the phone would

morning,

said.

difficult for a lot of

solar eclipse," she said. "I cried

every one of

he

my

all

night,

were

all

and

upset.

ring again. Finally, at

two

ninety-year-old grandmother called and

'Live every day one at a time.

112

And

don't worry. I'm

DATE praying for you. Things could be worse.

Newton's

cat

knocked over

a

Remember

that Isaac

candle that burned his

life's

"

work.'

"Is this true?" "I don't

know. She has

lots

of stories."

"Maybe

it wasn't Isaac Newton, but Irving Neufeldt." "Who's Irving Neufeldt?" "How should I know?"

She laughed.

He

did not think what he had said was particularly funny.

me that Sunday, when I came to home with me. Oliver is a toy raccoon when I stayed over at her apartment as

"Anyway, Grandma visit, I I

used

a kid.

told

could take Oliver

with

to sleep

So the next day

I

was driving along Rock Creek Parkway

singing, 'Oliver, Oliver, Oliver, I'm all

coming

I

brakes, swerved, and almost lost control of the raccoon.

The

I

think

waitress

I

killed

it.

came back

Isn't that

—

when jammed on the

to get you'

of a sudden an animal ran onto the road.

car.

It

was

a

weird?"

to their table.

She ordered

a

cup

of tea and he ordered a vodka tonic.

She was

still

wearing

a

name

tag from the television awards

banquet. Earlier she had called him from a phone booth the hotel.

He

could hear the crowded lobby

in

in

the back-

ground. "Is that a sound effects record?" he asked. "You don't seriously think I'm

dumb enough

to believe

you've

won an

What kind of fool do you think I am?" "A considerable one," she said, laughing. Then he heard someone else's voice and her excited response. "Carlos is here? Really? Later tonight?" And speaking

award, do you?

113

JOE FRANK into the is

in

phone

again: "I can't believe

it.

An

old friend of

mine

town. He'll be giving a party later for some Spanish

friends.

They're going

"I don't

want

go

to

to

dance the Cumbia."

to a party,"

he

"Let's meet for

said.

drinks and you can go there later."

He

stared out the

"Did you speak

window

at the

slow-moving

traffic.

your boss?" he asked.

to

"Yes. This morning."

"What happened?" "I told her

if

they didn't want me,

"The same week you won an

I'd leave."

award.

It's

ironic."

"You're not kidding."

"What did she

say?"

"She was very warm. I think she's grateful that I'd rather give up my job with dignity than be beaten out of it with a stick. She seemed to admire my attitude and I may live to regret it. I said it would take a few months to find something else and I hoped they'd look the other way. She agreed in

—

principle."

"How

do you

feel

about

"Relieved. Anyway,

"What "I may

I

it?"

have an idea."

it?"

is

start

an improvisational therapy theater. People bar-

ing their souls before a live audience. After

you

talk to

are so rich

someone

it's

all,

every time

an improvisation, and people's

and interesting." She sighed. "If everything

through and

I

end up broke,

it

lives falls

might be the best thing that

ever happened to me."

"That's what some people say," he

114

said. "

'When

I

lost all

DATE my money, it was the best thing that ever happened to me.' Of course, those are the ones who get their money back. You never hear about the ones who stay broke. But the ones who get it back, they're the ones who tell you how great it was to lose

it

all."

"Tell

She

me

about

filled

it.

I've lost

it all

already."

He

you don't

I

of the

learned," he

the top of these things, the water runs

lift

how do you dry yourself after taking

everywhere. Incidentally, a

stream of

lifted the top

teapot and the dripping stopped. "Something said. "If

A

her cup from a small metal teapot.

water dribbled onto the tablecloth.

shower?" "I

wear

a

—

look like

bathrobe and

a

towel on

my

And

this

hair.

It

makes me

"Beulah?"

"Thank you. That's very

kind.

ized portion of our relationship.

is

during the ideal-

Think of what

I

can expect

in the future."

"What future?" "I know there's no

"When

I'm attracted

him

sexual about

doesn't work.

I

it is

until

really

"Like holding "Yes,

future."

a

to I

someone,

my

But the more

got to

I

tell

anything

said. "Just

looking

to feel the person."

in the

like that. For

think you were

can never

touch him," she

have

melon

didn't think, 'What a

I

market?"

example, when

handsome man, how

I

first

met you,

adorable.'

type. Your looks didn't resonate

know

you, the more attractive

you."

115

I

didn't

for I

I

me.

found

JOE FRANK "I'm glad

was able

I

to

break through your

initial indiffer-

to me/' "That isn't what I said. I'm talking about touch as a channel for opening up and expressing feeling. That's why people who are shy leap into bed with strangers. It's a way to get past the initial awkwardness to something deeper. But if you just talk, then eventually you end up in a situation where you're both

ence

scrutinizing each other and emotions are throttled because

them

there's no place for

you touch me, say to

is

that

I

feel

wish

I

I

to go."

She paused. "Look, when

something powerful. What I'm trying

to

could express myself through making love

you." She smiled sheepishly.

"How would you

feel if

I

paid you?" he asked. "You'll need

when you lose your job." "Why should you pay me when I'd happily do it for

the

money

soon, anyway,

free?"

"Don't ask."

She

lifted

her cup to her mouth, then set

it

back

in its

saucer.

"During my entire childhood I was never told I was pretty. In fact, everyone in my family criticized my appearance. They were always staring at me, moving my hair around, trying to get

me

to look better.

depressed kid

—

I

was

a skinny, bucktoothed, pale,

But then, when

a classic ugly duckling.

I

became a teenager, I suddenly blossomed. There was this mounting wave of male attention, and it gave me an exaggerated sense of

my own

beauty. But

getting married."

"For

how

long?"

"Six and a half years."

116

I

put a

lid

on that by

DATE "Really?" "I

was completely

faithful."

"Did he abandon you?" "In a way."

"What do you mean?" "I don't know if I want

go into

to

all

this."

"We've got the evening." "Well

—

it

wasn't the

first

time."

She looked out the window. "When I was five, my father his government job because of Com-

was hounded out of

He was under public investigation and fled to He was away for a long time. My mother fell into a depression and they put her in a hospital. When he finally munist

ties.

Europe.

came back, she recovered. But later came ill with testicular cancer. His

the

and he received

been one of the great

radiation. It's always

secrets in our family.

Anyway,

Washington

We 7

to visit.

sat

a

life. I

feelings.

thought

Then

I

year,

he be-

was removed

testicle

few months ago, she came

down

to

dinner and she was

one of her worst moods, near the edge, her

same

bitterly

should be supportive and

let

she started discussing her sex

to in

denouncing her vent her

life

with

my

father."

"What do you mean?" "She talked about how

sensitive and vulnerable he

I didn't want to hear ." more presence of mind "But you must have been interested."

after the operation.

.

"Well, for

I

it,

and

if I'd

Some

had

.

thought the truth couldn't hurt. Honesty

everybody.

became

bullshit idea like that."

Ill

is

good

JOE FRANK "Is that

what your Freudian therapist suggested? Or your

Jungian?"

come up."

"It hasn't really

"So what did your mother say?"

"She described

was

a sexual relationship that

misery

total

She imitated my father's gestures and words, and how he would correct her technique. 'Don't and acted out both

do

that.

Do

parts.

That

this.

This

hurts.

feels better.'

And

she'd be

Can you imagine? This

saying, 'Yes, dear. Yes, dear.'

the

is

kind of information everyone wants to learn about their ther ful,

—

that the great patriarch of the family

is,

fa-

in fact, fear-

hypersensitive, uncomfortable with himself sexually.

watched

her, thinking:

responsible

for

her.

Mom

is

having another breakdown.

But by the time she

left,

I

I

Vm

thought / was

the one who'd crack up."

He noticed the people at a nearby table had fallen silent. He felt himself flush with embarrassment and leaned forward. "You're talking too loud," he said.

"This reminds her voice.

"My

me

of

my

marriage," she said, lowering

husband was Jewish and

thing to do with a Jewish

man

since.

I

So

haven't had anyI

suppose

it

was

someone who was Jewish it would all come up again. We had a theater company together. That was our original dream." She looked down, tears forming in her eyes. "This is hard because it brings up lots inevitable that once

I

related to

of feelings."

"But why

reject

all

Jewish

men

because of a failed

rela-

tionship with one?" "I couldn't be close to

anyone who resembled Alan. 118

I

don't

DATE want

be reminded of him. And

to

I

feel that

no Jewish man

could ever love me."

"Why

not?"

know. Look, I'm talking around the subject.

"I don't

gay. And I didn't know Or maybe he always knew

husband was to

know "Did

it.

it

He

gradually

came

it."

affect your love life?"

"Are you kidding? "It

it.

My

It

was

terrible."

must have undermined your confidence." It was the pits. That's why I needed

"Absolutely.

to restore

that."

"Did you?" But there were pieces

"I think so.

me

I

left

behind. Parts of

that got buried."

"What do you mean?" "The person who was

pissed off and determined to have

other relationships and to learn to feel good about herself as

woman

young nineteen-year-old who'd never stopped loving her husband." She stared at him. "Jesus, I'm dumping all this shit on you. I'm sorry. It's just that I'm not sure this is true but it's occurred to me that, on some level, I've always wanted to be loyal to him." She began to cry. a

behind

left

a

—

—

"And

I

always have been."

"Why "It's in

should you be loyal to him?"

not that

my heart,

I

literally I've

feel,

is still

out to be a stranger with brows,

I

don't even

whatever idea

I

been

loyal a

loyal,

— not

to

but that some place

him, because he turned

bouffant hairdo and plucked eye-

know who he

had of the person

anv sense?"

119

is I

anymore loved.

— but

Does

loyal to

that

make

JOE FRANK "Where was he from?" "He came from a wealthy suburban background. His mother was

His older brother had been

a neurotic tyrant.

in

and out

of mental hospitals for years. His father was involved in sorts of

been

shady deals.

poor,

tied to

They were

all

not a nice family. If they'd

he might have escaped. But the money kept him

them.

He

didn't have

"What happened "He's no longer

to his

in

it.

much

work

He

in

works

of a chance, really."

the theater?" in trade negotiations.

He's

a Republican. Isn't it amazing? He wanted nothing more than to be a WASP. And now he is one. In fact, before our wedding he and my father had a huge fight because Alan hated being Jewish. He didn't want a Jewish ceremony and

become

argued

that, according to orthodox Judaism, he wasn't a Jew anyway because his maternal grandmother had been a German who'd converted to Judaism. But he'd grown up in a Jewish neighborhood and his mother and father had been a product

of that environment and every relative he

knew was

Jewish."

"So what happened?"

"We were married in Newport He laughed. "I'm sorry." "No,

it is

funny.

It

was

"What does he look "Blue eyes. Sandy

like

female judge."

an omen."

hair. Tall.

And

Meticulous about the house. I

a blind

like?"

Long-legged. Gorgeous. loved him.

by

Slender. Broad-shouldered.

incredibly vain. Into clothes.

A

terrific

cook. Older

women

mean, how many men would hang out and sing

Gershwin songs with you?" She laughed. "He adored Fred Astaire.

I

"When

know

it

sounds

really stupid."

did you learn he was gay?"

120

DATE "It took years.

There were

all

kinds of signs, but

was

I

blind to them."

"What do you mean?" "He made friends with all these gay men because he said he wanted to show them that heterosexuals could understand how they felt. So we went to gay parties and dances, and I'd

women there. Eventually, I Did we have to go? Then, one

be one of the only two or three told

him

were I

all

didn't enjoy them.

I

night this

guy came over

lolling

for dinner. Later in the evening,

around on the sofa when he

love you both so

much.

I

said, 'You

love you, Ariel, and

Alan. I'd love to go to bed with both of you. But

bed with Alan.'

choice, I'd rather go to

When

I

I

we

know,

love you,

if I

had

my

heard that,

I

And that brought on several weeks of soulhow we couldn't hurt this guy's feelings by rejecting him. So we had to reassure him that it was okay, and we continued to go to his parties. Then we made friends with almost fainted.

searching about

another couple, spent a

lot

of time with them, and the husband

turned out to be gay, too.

Of

course,

I

had no idea

at

the

time."

"When

did you finally realize?"

"Alan showed up one day

in a

pink

shirt

open down

to

mid-

chest, his hair slightly teased, wearing a pair of oversized glasses I

said,

you?'

He

and an

ascot.

'Do you

And

that

kept

all

still

We were going out for a drink somewhere. want

He

said,

'I

don't know.

Do

our possessions because he couldn't bear to give

up anything. Whenever heart failure.

to go?'

was the day we separated.

It

a plastic fork."

I'd say,

'Can

I

have

this?'

he'd have

was such agony that all I ended up with was She laughed. "The irony is that I'd supported 121

JOE FRANK him through school ence from

so he could achieve financial independ-

Once,

his parents.

I

said to him. 'You

know,

I've

my life with you.' He said, 'Well, I've spent the best years of my life with you, too.' 'Yes, but I'm a woman,' I said. And his answer was, 'Well, so am I.' It was spent the best years of

like:

Who

was the better female? And

as far as

cerned, he was by far the more deserving one. deal that

I

actually got to be the

utterly second-rate at

woman the

couple who'd turned out to be gay. So

was

because

whereas he was superb.

it,

came through, our witness was

divorce

he was conIt

When

man from I

way through

the

all

such a tragedy.

The

it.

They were

marriage was over.

I

raw

the

the other

experienced the

divorce proceedings with these two gay men, both of

sobbed

a

was so

I

so unhappy.

whom It

was

couldn't possibly cry

without competing with the two of them."

They

fell silent.

you ever placed

Finally,

a personal

he looked up and asked, "Have ad?"

"No," she said. "Have you ever thought about placing one?" "Well, the ads

I

could never figure out

seem the same. You know:

how 'I

to describe myself. All

like

walking

in the

woods,

candlelit dinners, classical music, quiet out-of-the-way places,

cuddling by a cozy

around "It

is

a a

fire,

good book.'

curling

problem. After

"I've heard

women

up on

a cold winter

evening

"

are

all,

what's left?"

supposed

to describe

themselves as

warm and slender. That's supposed to be effective with men. They respond to the warm and slender ads. And I read that

122

DATE women

seek

men who can offer three

things: certainty,

humor,

and sex appeal."

"But going back be

to a personal ad,"

interesting to tell the truth? For

woman,

'Neurotic

he

"wouldn't

said,

example,

in

it

your case:

mid-thirties, believes in astrology, pres-

ently seeing a Freudian and a Jungian analyst, about to lose

her job, comes from a dysfunctional family and remains tied to

her husband of six years

think

it

who

turned out to be gay.'

"You're rude," she said, lifting her hand as

about

Do

you

would work?"

to slap

Later, in her apartment, he

down on

if

she were

him.

removed

his overcoat

and

lay

the sofa.

"I don't

know what

to say, Doctor.

I'm drawing

a

blank."

"Take your time," she said. "Why don't you tell me how you've been?" "How do you think I've been?" "I imagine that No, it's too embarrassing. What am

—

doing

in

I

your apartment?"

"What do you think

"Who knows?" He tossed her one

you're doing?"

of the sofa pillows and held the other in

his arms.

"What are you sucking on?" "A 1.5 Energizer battery," he

said. "I

found

it

under the

pillow."

maybe "The word fear is "I thought

it

was an adapter. Are you afraid?"

not part of

123

my

vocabulary."

JOE FRANK She turned on a lamp. "Oh, God. Don't tell me you "I thought

might help clear up the atmosphere."

it

"Believe me,

She turned you gave

me

A moment

like light."

won't."

it

off the

lamp and hugged the

pillow.

"I'm glad

this." later,

videotape in her

she got up, crossed the room, and put a

VCR.

It

was

a class in

body work. They

woman stretched out on a table being massaged by The woman on the table broke down, sobtelling about a friend who had died in an auto accident.

watched

a

another woman. bing,

She was angry

at

her for giving her

did she have to drive so recklessly? father,

she

who had

still

died

needed him

in the

same

life

away so cheaply.

Then

year,

Why

she cried about her

and spoke of how much

to love her.

She turned off the program. "I need to practice the Rubinfeld body work on someone and you seem the ideal recipient." "I doubt it," he said. "Besides, I haven't experienced any tragic losses lately."

They walked into her bedroom and lay down. He stared up at the ceiling. She lay on her side, facing him, her head propped up in her hand. He felt paralyzed. Finally, he rolled over and took her in his arms. They held each other and she began to cry. He was moved and felt mounting passion for her. They kissed, and with each kiss her mouth become more pliant, more voluptuous. Later, she walked him to the door, and they embraced. The sexual tension, the awkwardness that had existed earlier be124

DATE tween them, was gone. She was like an old girlfriend. She looked at him in an easy, knowing way. It made him uncomfortable because he did not really feel close to her.

"Look," he

want what happened

said. "I don't

to

change

anything."

"What do you mean?" "I don't

want things

"Of course "But

I

they're different," she said.

want the anxiety back.

"I'm sure

to hurl

I

want the awkwardness."

way."

you'll find a

He wanted street,

be different now."

to

himself

down

the corridor, race into the

and never see her again. But he kissed her gently and

left.

She

called

him the next morning.

not failed, she said. She "I think

ship

I

understand

why

— which I'm ashamed —

ities that

get into

remind

all

of

me

If

only her marriage had

loved Alan, but

still

I've of.

pursued you

On some

level,

it

was polluted.

in this relation-

you have qual-

" She started crying. "I can't begin to

this. It's so

unfair to you."

125

The Queen of Puerto Rico

M

ick

was on vacation with

his

mother and

father.

They were

Thomas. Nick, seventeen, was too the other children and too young to feel comfortable

staying at a hotel on St. old for

with the adults, so he spent most of his time alone, strolling along the country roads and the beaches. In the evenings he

would at

sit at

the bar of the hotel sipping

piria coladas,

the Calypso band and the crowded dance

Late one night

woman came

a beautiful

gazing

floor.

in

wearing

a

pink

off-the-shoulder gown. She looked like a model or a film actress. floor,

Everyone stared

at

her as she

and when she arrived

at

made her way

across the

her table and removed her pink

shawl, baring her throat and shoulders, Nick gripped the bar

The

because he thought he might

faint.

her name, but said she was

known throughout 127

bartender didn't

know

the island as

JOE FRANK the Pink Lady. Nick waited for

someone

to join

—

a suave,

— but no one came.

handsome European-looking man

darkly

her

She

sat alone, drinking, listening to the music. After a while,

she

left.

He

looked for her

A

after that.

sunbathing

in the bar the

few days

he saw her

later

came out of

behind

her walk into the breakers.

the ocean, her long hair streaming

dabbed herself

her,

the beach. She was

swim out beyond the

water, dive into a wave, and Later, she

at

He watched

pink bikini.

in a

next night and the night

lightly

with a towel, and lay

down

again.

Nick had never seen anyone something

ness. If only

opened

a

about her.

tragic

He

he could speak

so beautiful. Yet he sensed felt

her sadness, her loneli-

He

to her.

sat

down

she folded her towel, put

it

into her canvas bag,

up the beach. At the roadside she got into

a

and walked

pink mini-jeep

with a pink-and-white-striped cabana top and drove

He calls

he says, "So,

how

are you going to get up here? Are you going

train?'

"You re in sighs.

"We

off.

were at a resort in the mountains. When someone

acts as if he

to take the

He

near her,

book, and pretended to read. Around mid-afternoon

the

city,

" /

tell

him. "In a hospital.

Then he says, "Let's go out

can't.

We have

to stay here.

to the pool,

okay?'

"

"Why?'

IV in your arm. had that. What's that?'

"Because you have an "I never

"Look.

He

It's right

looks

down

next to you. See?'

at a tube running into the back of his hand. "Yes,

128

THE QUEEN OF PUERTO RICO they're

good people here, " he says. Then he gets an

should branch of the

main

idea: The hospital

and he

open up a chain of franchises,

out,

11

be one

investors.

'What's the name of the chief resident here?"

"Brown."

He draws a scrap

of paper from his pocket, looks at

'What's he invoicing

now? What's

his

margin

Nick spent the following days searching the

He

it,

and asks,

P"

island for her.

rented a bike from the hotel, rode along the beaches,

navigated through the bustling streets of the town, pedaled slowly up steep

He

the other side of the island to the harbor. hotel in the evenings, exhausted.

shower and wait

for her at the bar.

spoken, he thought he was

The

last

when

near the bandstand.

He

He

late.

when

Then he would

take a

Although they had never with her.

she passed right by him and took a table

He knew

he had

had no idea what

rose, his heart

floor

in love

returned to the

night of his vacation, Nick was sitting glumly at

his usual spot

was too

and coasted down

hills into residential areas,

now, before

to act

to say,

but

pounding, and was about

it

it

didn't matter.

to cross the

dance

the musicians took a break and drew chairs up to

her table. For the next half hour, Nick watched as the group

laughed and sipped champagne. She never glanced

once the entire evening. to the States

a

few more daiquiris when

man wearing

an open-necked white

and white deck shoes tended

his

realized then that

at

him

he would return

without ever speaking to her.

He downed aged

He

sat

down next

to

shirt,

as

middle-

white slacks,

The man exPerry. He told

him.

hand and introduced himself 129

a polite,

JOE FRANK Nick he was president of a textile firm in the United States but spent most of his time in the Caribbean. Then he launched into a description of the geography, culture,

and history of St.

Thomas. Perry knew so much about the island that Nick asked him about the Pink Lady. Perry shook his head and said she was just a washed-up hooker who'd been around for a while, then changed the subject.

When on

the bar closed down, Perry invited Nick for a ride

his speedboat.

It

was Nick's

last

night on the island, a

beautiful evening for a spin around the bay, and

him.

to join

They down a

drove to the marina pier,

in Perry's convertible,

untied the boat, and pushed

cleared the yacht basin and

on the

Nick decided

came

into

open

throttle, the boat lurched forward,

ing over the waves.

They

off.

walked

When

they

water, Perry leaned

and they went crash-

raced back and forth across the bay,

passing the sparkling lights in the harbor.

A

half hour later they pulled into the

Perry's it

dock and drove to home. An oceanfront mansion with Greek columns,

looked as

if it

dated back to the time of the sugar plantations.

The rooms were filled with antique furniture and fresh flowers. Ceiling fans revolved slowly in the fragrant

They smoked

air.

marijuana and drank wine and Nick was

stoned and drunk, watching television with one eye open.

He

wanted

felt

as if

to sleep,

he were

but every time he closed both eyes he

falling

through space.

starred Kirk Douglas,

who

The movie

they watched

played different roles and wore

There was a fox hunt and a murder, but Nick couldn't keep track of it. He could hear the waves lapping against the dock and, with his head throbbing, staggered down

various disguises.

130

THE QUEEN OF PUERTO RICO the hallway to the bathroom, where he spent the next twenty

minutes on

his

knees throwing up into the

made And soon Perry was

ing and shivering, he

crawled into bed.

his

way

Then, sweatroom and

toilet.

into a guest in

bed with him, naked,

caressing him, and he was too sick and too

weak

to

and he didn't remember anything that happened

even think, after that.

Last night, a nurse telephonedfrom the hospital. She said he refused to take his

forced

and demanded

medication

to restrain

him.

go home. Soon, they'd be

to

/ said. 'Til be right over.

'"Wait, "

I found him sitting in a wheelchair, wearing his raincoat

His hands were trembling.

He

reached into his pocket, drew out a

scrap of paper with a number on

have a cent on me. Lend me

and hat.

it,

looked at

it,

and said,

"I don't

ten dollars, will you?"

"What do you need money for?" "I've got to get to Puerto Vallarta on business.

"Ifs nighttime.

No

"They'll open for

banks are open."

me!"

I walked to the window. "Look out. (<

What do you

What do you see?"

see?'

"I see darkness outside.

The banks aren't open now.

It's night-

time!" "It is

what I want

"It can't be.

it to be.

You can't make

it

day.

You can't make

the

banks

open."

His body sagged. Then he drew out another scrap ofpaper, looked at

it,

and said,

"Let's go out to the pool.

131

JOE FRANK

When Nick woke up There was

the next morning, Perry was gone.

on the night

a note

table.

Dear Nick, I'm sorry you were sick

work now but hope understand when

I

last night.

have

to

go to

you again soon. Please

to see

say that

I

think I'm falling in love

I

with you. Perry

Next

to the note

hundred-dollar ing.

He

bills.

was four hundred

and

Nick couldn't believe what was happen-

revulsion, shame.

felt fear,

dollars in fifties

He

left

without taking

the money.

He walked

back

to the hotel.

His parents were

in their suite

When they asked him where he'd been, them he had gone into town early in the morning for one last visit. Then he went to his room to pack. In the cab preparing to leave.

he

told

to the airport,

Pink Lady.

they passed the beach where he had seen the

He

asked the driver

imagined he saw near the water.

a

to

slow

down and thought

Maybe she was

really

or

dune down there swimming

pink towel through the trees on

a

in the surf.

His parents cleared customs and Nick was about through himself

when an

officer in a gray

uniform stepped

forward and said, "I'm sorry, but would you please

me?" Nick followed the man down

132

to pass

a corridor,

come with

around a bend,

THE QUEEN OF PUERTO RICO and into

a small

room. Perry was sitting behind

"How

Perry smiled.

a table.

The

door behind him.

officer left, closing the

are you?"

Nick was speechless. "I

know you've

got to leave, but

had

I

You have no idea how much you mean

know how

"I don't said.

I

to

mean anything

could

you again.

to see

me." to

you," Nick

"You took advantage of me."

much,

"I felt so

I

couldn't control myself. I'm sorry

if I

upset you."

Nick

dizzy and his head ached.

felt

Perry reached into his pocket. "Here, take the money.

want you

to

"I don't

"Why

have

want

not?

"I don't

I

I

it."

it."

don't need

it."

want your money."

"All right," Perry said, "but there will always be a plane ticket to

come

back, and

Nick returned

to his

write you."

I'll

home

in

Manhattan, and soon, every

Friday afternoon, an airline agent would

had been booked

a first-class ticket flight to St.

Thomas. Did he plan

for

to

call to tell

him on

make

him

that

that evening's

the trip? Nick said

no, he wouldn't be using the ticket.

Then

Perry's letters began to arrive.

he needed Nick and wanted else

to

He wrote

of

how much

be with him and with no one

and that Nick was missing out on so much fun by staying

home.

He

planned

to

didn't

move

know how wonderful

to

life

could be. Perry

San Juan where they could

133

live in a

beau-

JOE FRANK tiful

penthouse with

parties

all

and swimming pool and have great

a patio

come down for a visit, Maserati and make him the Queen of

the time. If Nick would

Perry would buy him a

Puerto Rico.

Nick answered

that he wouldn't

but he wasn't interested

mind having

being the

in

Queen

a Maserati,

of Puerto Rico,

and that Perry should leave him alone because he was just putting himself through a

him again

to say that

lot

of needless pain. But Perry wrote

he knew

in his heart

Nick

needed

really

him, and that he should stop being so petulant and just come

down. was having lunch

Yesterday he

me, tears came into his

in his milk.

want any more

He

to

eat?"

said

it

am I doing?" Later, I asked, "Do you He looked up. "First I have to know what

with a smile, as

One evening Nick lector of

He was sitting in a wheelchair, a plastic

took

'What

doing?" he said.

eating is."

saw

a spoonful of grapefruit and dropped Then he poured his coffee into his soup. "What am I

tray in front of him. it

eyes.

He

in the solarium. The minute he

if

he were cracking

visited his grandmother,

a joke.

who was

a col-

costume jewelry. As he looked through dozens of

pieces in her dresser, he was immediately drawn to a pink

teardrop stone encased in a silver pouch with a hangman's

noose clasp.

The

he asked

grandmother

him and

He

his

insisted

stone reminded him of the Pink

it

around

his

he could have

it.

She gave

it

to

he also take the pair of matching earrings.

bought a thick rawhide

wore

if

Lady and

neck

—

strap, strung the stone

a talisman

from

it,

symbolizing mystery,

and ro-

mance, adventure, and those who stand apart from the crowd. 134

THE QUEEN OF PUERTO RICO He

never took

off.

it

Some day he would

return to St.

Thomas

and see her again. It would be in the open-air market. She would be wearing pink slacks, a loose-sleeved blouse, a pink barrette in her hair. She would look a little older, but as beau-

He would make

way toward her through the crowd of shoppers. "You probably won't remember me," he'd tiful as ever.

"but years ago

say,

I

used

Hotel and watch you."

his

to sit at the bar of the

He would

tell

her about being young

and romantic and dreaming of making love

would reach under he had worn

and

and

pink wardrobe I'll

—

if

wear only pink

that

Months passed.

—

smile,

Then he charmed

and he'd invite her

in fact,

for

he'd buy an entirely

only she would go out with him.

come with you,"

by the sea and

memory. She would

a little embarrassed,

He would

to her.

and draw out the pink teardrop stone

for years in her

flattered

a drink.

his shirt

Trade Wind

"Of course

she'd say, and they would drive to a cafe

would be the beginning of

their affair.

Nick was about to graduate from high school. Perry's love letters and the Friday phone calls from the airline continued. Finally Nick couldn't stand it any longer and decided to get the bastard. He wrote Perry a letter It

was

fall.

asking for fifteen thousand dollars to buy a mixing console

and speakers

for a rock

band he was forming. Could Perry

A few days later Perry wrote back for more Why not come down to St. Thomas to discuss

help him out? information. it?

Nick

that

fired off

is, if

another letter demanding the

money now

Perry really cared for him or ever wanted to see him

A

few months

Nick wrote another letter to tell Perry how much he hated him because all along Perry had just wanted to take advantage of him. Yet again. Perry never answered.

135

later,

JOE FRANK

when Nick had asked

one small

for

Perry had rejected

favor,

him out of hand.

A

year passed before Nick received another letter mailed

from

San Juan, written in an almost illegible Perry said he had suffered a stroke, had lost some

a hospital in

hand. In

it

of the motor control of his arms and legs, was afraid he was also losing his

live

—

mind, and had resigned

He was

corporation.

terribly depressed,

as president of his

had

now," he wrote

"I can't go forward

lost the will to

— and hoped Nick

would forgive him. It

took a month before Nick could bring himself to write

back.

Why

might

really

him

should he care?

Then

have loved him. After

for so long?

So he wrote

occurred to him that Perry

it

all,

why had

to express his

Perry pursued

sympathy.

He

was

sorry he had tried to exploit Perry for money, but he had

learned something: You shouldn't use people. After he mailed the

letter,

he didn't hear from Perry

Once I followed him down in front of

a

urinal,

barefoot into

the hall into the bathroom.

unzipped

his undershirt, his shoes

and socks. Wearing only a diaper,

said.

"/ have

was summer. Nick was working part-time

apartment

he walked

a stall, locked the door, and refused to come out. Finally

cant come in," he

college,

He stopped

his fly, took off his pants, his shirt,

I called one of the attendants. The

It

for years.

in the Village.

man

knocked on the

a

child in here.

a

sophomore

in a fabric store.

cubicle.

community

in a

He

'You

had

his

own

Every evening, he would put on

his

gold tank top and velvet slacks and take a cab to his favorite

dance club.

He would meet

his friends,

136

have

a

few beers,

THE QUEEN OF PUERTO RICO then grab the prettiest

girl

and step out on the

He was

floor.

the best dancer and soon a crowd would gather.

One night he brought a young actress home with him. After made love, she said, "You know, you might as well have been rowing a boat." Later, when she'd gone, he watched a they

steady stream of

window.

He seemed

but he didn't

The

traffic,

know a

be waiting

for

something

to

happen,

what.

next week, a

Rose and that

to

headlights glowing, pass below his

woman

called.

She

name was

said her

mutual friend, who wished

to

remain anony-

mous, had suggested they meet. She described herself former model, now an little

older, she

artist

On

joke cooked up by his downtown friends.

he decided

The

to see

if this

in

and

was

an impulse,

what would happen. They made

a date.

following evening she pulled up to his building in a

Mercedes sedan. Through the windshield he saw an

woman

a

thought they would enjoy each other. She

sounded pleasant, but he couldn't help wondering a

as a

and poet. Although she was

with gray-blond hair and a cupid's sat

down

attractive

bow mouth. He

got

beside her. She asked him about his job,

remarked on the humidity, and turned on the

radio.

They

listened to salsa music as she drove aimlessly through the city.

He

noticed she was accelerating and braking by working a

lever that jutted from the steering column.

down

at the

extending robelike over her puckering

at

Then he

shroud of black velvet that covered feet.

The

one point and sagging

looked

her, the fabric

material was shapeless,

at another.

Her

hair,

which

had looked natural and free through the windshield, now

seemed

metallic,

and her face was so heavily rouged and

painted that he began to wonder about the perfection of her

137

JOE FRANK nose and the height of her cheekbones. She asked him her bag for her cigarettes.

in

rummaging through beauty queen, a

He

and

model. Finally, he found

a fashion

one and put

lit

it

her mouth. She

in

her cheeks hollowing, and stared ahead.

it,

They had

to look

the clasp and began

old photos of her as a cheerleader, a

a dancer,

pack of Kents.

sucked on

He opened

passed over the 59th Street Bridge and were

driving in Brooklyn

when

she suggested they go to a motel

nearby where they could relax and talk more comfortably. She told

him she would get the room and prepare

he waited

in a restaurant across the street. After

him

utes he could join her. She dropped as she

herself while

made

a

off

twenty min-

and he watched

U-turn into the motel.

When the twenty minutes had passed, he crossed the street. The man at the desk gave him the number of her room. He walked down the for to

him

to enter.

her neck.

He

She was

toilet

lying in bed with the covers

He

could hear

flushed in the next room.

a pair of

drawn

parted the drapes and stared at a grassy field

with a few dying trees.

A

her door, and knocked. She called

hall to

He

He

metal canes under the bed.

eyes. She asked him

to

come over

traffic in

the distance.

turned to her and saw quickly averted his

He

to her.

said, "Just a

second," and went into the bathroom. In the mirror, he stared at his face,

which looked drawn and

again, urgently.

He

ugly.

She

tried to gather his wits,

called to

him

then came out.

"I'm sorry," he said. "It was a misunderstanding.

I

have

to go."

Later, alone in his apartment,

he thought of moving

Why not go? He

better to do.

Thomas.

had nothing 138

He

to St.

wasn't

THE QUEEN OF PUERTO RICO getting anything out of school.

of

He

couldn't stand another year

So the next morning he withdrew

it.

all

the

money

in his

—

—

bank account barely enough for a one-way ticket called the airline, and made a reservation. It would be good, living in the Caribbean. He'd work on boats, go spearfishing and treasure diving.

And, of course, there was the Pink Lady.

had never forgotten There s

her.

He wondered

a lady who walks

bright cherry collar.

The last time I

Her

eyes

visited, she sat

if

she was

the halls in

a polka dot

are watery.

Her

down

still

breathing

little

children.

Then she picked up his hand again, put

legs,

and held

it

a

is

first

a

labored.

next to him, picked up his hand,

his finger in her nose. I pulled it out and said, doesn't like that, " and they stared at each other like

The

there.

dress with

and put

He

He

it

"No

no.

a pair

of

between her

there very quietly.

thing he did after arriving at the airport was catch

cab and drive along the beach where he had seen the Pink

Lady sunbathe and swim. The cab dropped him hotel.

He walked

through the lobby

to the bar.

The

off at the

bartender

remembered him. They shook hands across the counter. "Have you seen the lady who always wears pink?" Nick asked. "No, mahn. She gone," the bartender said. "She gone to de States."

He

rented a small bungalow and found a job as an assistant

manager

in a

canvas and leather store

hair long, got a dark tan,

and

a pair of clogs so

bought

a battered old

with scuba tanks

in the

in

town.

He grew

and wore cut-off T-shirts,

his

tight jeans,

he could tower over everybody.

He

Renault and drove around the island

back and 139

a spear

gun

sticking out the

JOE FRANK rear

window

to

— equipment he had borrowed from He would come

never used.

move one

a friend

Some-

of the tanks, and reposition the spear gun.

times he would

lift

out and put

it

it

back another way

anything to savor the identity he was developing, to

people take notice.

He

but

out of a store, lean into the car

make

what they were think-

liked to imagine

ing as they watched him.

At night, he would wear

—

out the tan

back of

a

his

a pale-blue satin shirt

—

white slacks, and dark glasses, and

to bring

sit in

He would

light a cigarette,

cupping

his

hand around the flame,

and gaze off into the distance. Later, feeling lean and he would unlock the door of

like a cat,

swing

roof,

the

club holding a drink, nodding his head to the beat.

and

his legs in

Then he would

flip

agile

his Renault, grip the

himself around like a gymnast.

lean forward and

make

believe he was switch-

ing special dials on the dashboard that weren't really there to

get the car started, and sometimes he would get out,

lift

hood, and tinker with the carburetor, although he didn't

the

know

anything about engines.

He hair

decided

on

his

cigarette ashes

drew

it in.

to

upper

grow lip

on

it;

a

mustache, but even after

was too later,

thin.

a

week

the

So he began rubbing black

he bought an eyebrow pencil and

Before going out he would sprinkle water on his

would shimmer, apply a dark beige base to and daub his eyelashes with coconut oil. offset the pink teardrop stone that hung from

hair so his curls

smooth

his skin,

Eventually, to his neck, left ear.

he fastened one of

his

grandmother's earrings to his

Then, one night at the hotel, as he sat at a became aware of a young man

the bandstand, he staring at him.

140

table near at

the bar

THE QUEEN OF PUERTO RICO And I its

drive by

rolling hills

Luwkeo and

and

royal palm

the

Dorado Beach Golf Course with racing down the narrow cob-

trees,

the crumbling stadium and and the huge storage vats of the Bacardi Rum factory where bands play at the edge of the road and vendors sell mango, guava, and papaya juice, until, taking the last winding curve flat out, I downshift with my foot on the accelerator, speeding down the road to the hospital.

blestone streets of

Old San Juan, past

the oldfort overlooking the sea

The

ferry

Charger.

Nick took

He danced

to

Puerto Rico was called The

on the deck with

a

group of

Bomba who

tourists

ignored storm clouds moving in from the west. Soon they

were passing through cared.

aged

Nick was

woman

a

choppy sea but were

strutting with his

in a

small boat in the distance. water,

hands on

sundress before him,

waving and shouting

Its single

at the

so

drunk nobody

his hips, a

when he

the boat was gone.

141

a

passenger was bailing

top of his lungs.

The

dancers saw the boat and waved good-naturedly back

Then

middle-

noticed

at

other

him.

Winter

W,hen Max his chest

and

could stand after

Max

stretched out on the sofa, Jake climbed up on fell

it,

asleep.

because he did

He

slid his

was

in the

room with

eight, Dr.

a period of

hall

and

felt so

lay

hand under the door

Max remembered

sleeping.

move for as long as he not want to wake his son. Later, did not

put Jake to bed, Jake

he came out into the

was

Max

down

lonely in his in front of

room

that

Max's study.

so that at least a part of

him

his father. his

own

loneliness as a child.

When

he

Edith Bronfman had helped him get through

nightmares, the fear of which prevented him from

Now, over

forty years later,

Max

felt

Dr.

Bronfman

was the only one who could rescue him from the depression that

was wrecking

a child analyst,

his life.

Max

Even though she

had persuaded her 143

insisted she

to take

him on

was

again.

JOE FRANK Dr. Bronfman's office was in an old apartment building in

Georgetown.

Max

odd

felt

sitting in the waiting

room

across

He

from the nanny or mother of the child being analyzed.

would self-consciously thumb through a book of nursery rhymes or a fairy tale. But the last few minutes before his session had a deeply narcotic effect on him. The thought of

Bronfman everything, no matter how painful, was exhausting. He would stretch out, his feet up on an ottoman, and doze off. Later, after the child ahead of him had left, and the waiting room had emptied, Max would hear Dr. Bronfman's footsteps coming down the hall. The door would open, her face would appear, and she would usher him into her office. Max would lie down on her couch, place his head on a cloth telling Dr.

she had spread on the pillow, and stare through the window at the

Dr.

winter sky.

Bronfman was

a short, gray-haired

woman who

suffered

from bronchial asthma. Often throughout the hour her body

was racked by

fits

of wheezing. She would gasp for

air,

then

spray a decongestant into her throat. After a spasm of coughing

and gagging she would she'd

"I'm sorry,"

"Please go on."

say.

Max

spit into a handkerchief.

talked mostly about his father,

his early childhood.

Max

who had

died during

had no memories of him. At family

gatherings he would ask the elders about the "old days."

described his father with reverence.

nessman,

He

a

man

a brilliant busi-

of great wisdom, the patriarch of the family.

had deeply loved

hand, had

little

miserable.

Max would

father trying,

He was

They

his son.

to say

Max's mother, on the other

about him; their marriage had been

gaze at old photos of his cigar-smoking

somehow,

to

remember him. He wondered 144

WINTER about his father's gestures and mannerisms, and staring deeply into a photo, to It

summon

was Dr. Bronfman's theory

depression was

that the root cause of

his hour,

Max

college in Virginia. a

it

was

Max's

found himself waiting

who

the elevator with Dr. Bronfman's husband,

He was

to

when he watched him

a bitterly cold winter,

Max

Max's

father.

puff on a

for

taught at a

wore thick

squat, balding,

striking resemblance

strange chill

by

his father's death.

Sometimes, after

and bore

tried,

the sound of his voice.

glasses,

Max

cigar.

felt a

Although

never saw him wear more

than a sweater and a sports jacket. Standing next to him in a

hooded parka, woolen

Max

felt

thermal gloves, and boots,

scarf,

Once Max asked why he

faint-hearted and foolish.

didn't dress

more warmly. The professor

said the cold didn't

bother him.

The

elevator operator, Samuel, was a lean, dark-skinned

black man.

He wore

on the sleeves and his pants.

He

a

uniform with gold buttons, gold trim

lapels,

looked like

and gold

a warrior

stripes

humbled

down in

the sides of

an alien world.

Max felt guilty whenever he saw him. While Samuel probably to live on, Max selfishly spent thousands of dollars on his analysis. He imagined breaking off therapy earned barely enough

and donating the money arship funds,

and famine

to

humanitarian causes

summer programs

for

relief projects in the

—

for schol-

urban youths, and medical

Third World. But of course

he didn't.

Whenever Max walked down would smile and

say,

the lobby toward

Samuel he

"Hello," but Samuel rarely responded.

His face remained cold, impassive. ninth floor he would say,

When Max

got out on the

"Thank you," and Samuel would 145

JOE FRANK slam the gate shut and the elevator would not feel

know what to contempt

mental case? to hate

ing

him.

for

drift away.

Max

did

Had he offended Samuel? Did Samuel

him because he considered Max

Max had no He imagined

him with

elevator, his

think.

idea.

But

a childish

time passed, he began

as

leaping on Samuel's back and beat-

his fists until

Samuel sank

to the floor of the

arms and legs twisted grotesquely.

Max received a call from an associate of Dr. Bronfman. The woman told Max that Dr. Bronfman's husband had passed away over the weekend. He One Sunday

had fallen

ill

night in January,

with a cold on Friday. His condition, aggravated

by congestion from too much smoking, had quickly deterio-

pneumonia and he had died shortly after arriving at the hospital. Max hung up, shaken. My God, he thought, I just saw him. It occurred to Max that, waiting for the elevator on Thursday, the professor had had no idea he would be dead rated into

in

seventy-two hours.

Max went to the funeral. He sat in one of the last rows of He wanted Dr. Bronfman to know he had come

the chapel. to

pay his respects, but he did not want

grief.

He saw

to intrude

on her

her enter from a side door, supported under

both arms by members of her family. She held a handkerchief to

her face, sobbing. In his disturbed

state,

Max could

follow the eulogies. After the funeral, to keep his

barely

mind

oc-

The film was about a man, trapped in a boring and unsatisfying marriage, who staged his own death in order to begin a new life far away.

cupied, he went to a movie.

When

Max's therapy resumed, only

man looked

like a

a

week

broken old woman.

146

later,

Max

Dr. Bronf-

expressed his

WINTER sorrow

at

what had happened. Was

it

perhaps too soon for her

to

begin again? She said no, the best thing for her

to

work.

Max

thought about her husband, buried

and wondered what he looked casionally he

now was

in his coffin,

like stretched out, dead.

Oc-

would hear Dr. Bronfman blow her nose.

He

assumed she was crying silently behind him. During the days that followed, Max was plagued by thoughts about the professor's body. Were his fingernails growing? Was his beard Would his stomach

would was

it

sprouting? split

open

take before insects and

it

Had

his skin

turned black?

How

like rotten fruit?

worms

got to him?

long

And what

like for Dr. Bronfman, lying alone in bed at night

knowing she would never be able to touch or speak to him again? W hen Dr. Bronfman asked Max what he was thinking, he said he would rather not talk about it. She told him there was no point in continuing treatment if he refused to speak freely. But how, Max wondered, could he share such thoughts with a grieving widow? And by trying to withhold them, they took control of him. No sooner would he lie down on the couch than he would see her husband's body decomposing, 7

Dr. Bronfman's face stained with tears on her pillow at night.

He

talked about the political infighting and

at his office,

Dr.

but

Bronfman last

was

clear

illicit

love affairs

he was holding something back.

insisted he tell her

mind.

He

his obsessions.

He

what was on

money if he didn't. Max broke down and described

was wasting At

it

his

his

thought that by relieving himself of these ideas, he could get

back on the track of

his analysis.

But

it

did not work.

He

felt

driven to repeat over and over again these images. Finally,

147

JOE FRANK Bronfman said, "We are at an impasse. Your obsession about my husband is inhibiting treatment. It seems useless to continue under these circumstances." Dr.

That

night,

He opened bought

it

a

when Max came home, he went desk drawer and stared

during the

riots that

As the upheaval spread from would be

It

He

had

followed the King assassination. city to city,

a reign of terror, the

the vengeful urban poor.

into the study.

at his old pistol.

he believed there

country overrun by armies of

would usher

in a

dark age more

terrifying than any period in history.

He room.

closed the drawer and walked

He

gazed

a painting.

at Jake's face, still

When hes

asleep,

Max

down

and peaceful and quiet

thought, he looks

The

blanket around Jake's body rose and

ing.

When

him

it

his

Jake began to whimper,

was only

a

dream. Jake

the hall to his son's

fell

fell

like

as

angel.

with his breath-

Max woke him

back

an

and told

to sleep again,

one of

hands sticking out from under the covers, palm up, fingers

slightly curled,

each ringer like the petal of

148

a flower.

The Decline of Spengler:

A Radio

Play

K

offman died today during surgery

from

his thighs.

I

to

remember when we

from Palestine. Gazing about us

at

remove first

fatty deposits

met on the

smug, well-dressed

flight

tourists

with expensive cameras, digital watches, calculators, and electronic beepers,

the world of

we agreed

its

that science

gods, religions,

its

had deprived most of

sense of meaning and

permanence. Dostoevsky, Hoffman added, had seen the emptiness inherent in atheistic materialism

vances in technology that would

and had opposed ad-

"lull the

sleep of material comfort, thus depriving

human it

soul into a

of a tragic sense

of life." I

looked out the window. Light and dark came out of the

149

JOE FRANK sky,

I

across

said. it.

The awe

The

moon, and the

sun, the

Nourishing

rain fell

from

it.

stars

made

Rainbows

way

their

glorified

it.

with which ancient peoples had looked upon these

phenomena was

Rooted

reflected in their religions.

home

ground, they saw the sky as the

to the

of angels and gods.

I

recalled Elijah ascending in his chariot of fire; Icarus, his wings

beating, rising heavenward.

who were

sengers, ers,

We

looked back

the other pas-

at

reading catalogs, listening to cassette play-

playing cards, and talking

.

.

and we drank

.

a toast to

the past.

Precooked chickens

in

wine sauce were served.

gazing at the stewardesses,

They brought

who were glamorous and

whom

When

Hoffman unfastened

one of them went

his seat belt

unlocked the cubicle, he forced

He

fell off,

were

their

was bored, he

way

and

— against

— her arm dropped out of

and he found himself holding

her.

As she

closing the door

in,

told her,

in-

bathroom,

into a

and followed

his

the brief struggle that followed

canned music

as if we

they cared for with a steadfast, though

discriminate, love.

behind him.

friendly.

us desserts, mints, coffee, magazines, pillows,

and blankets. They smiled, leaning over us children,

We ate them

lonely, too. In

background of

a

socket, her head

its

a starched

empty

uni-

form, screws, nuts, bolts, coils of tubing and electrical wiring scattered on the floor.

He hurriedly cleaned

thing into the towel dispenser

.

.

.

up, stuffing every-

then returned

to his seat,

shaken. Later,

we were

told

it

was time

dimmed. People adjusted back, closed

my

their

evening movie: a

for the

popular children's adventure set in Berlin

in 1936.

headphones.

eyes, and tried to sleep

150

.

.

I

.

The

tilted

my

lights

chair

THE DECLINE OF SPENGLER / heard a fist beating on the front door bed. I

put on my robe and

hand,

made my way

and lifted myselffrom

was

into the foyer. I

exhausted.

the

in

my

But I was

the

slippers and, with the oil

lamp

and had no choice but to answer the door, up my team of horses, climb into my wagon, and ride, sometimes

only doctor in the district hitch

for days, through a labyrinth of cobblestone roads until I finally

my journey's end. And by that time the patient had usuand been buried so long ago that he was now but a dim

reached ally

died

memory.

me stood a man

I unbolted the door. Before

were spoken, clothes.

and I hurried back

into the

Soon I was racing along

cracking

and

the cries of the

began the ascent into the

in

a

bedroom

to

carriage. I could hear

coachman urging

hills

A few words change into my

in livery.

the horses on.

I looked back, as

As we

iffor the last time,

'An operation must be performed

at the sleeping village.

a whip

tonight.

"

What had the coachman meant? I was bewildered yet felt, somehow, a

sense of elation.

The carriage passed over a bridge

a palace. I was led through up a marble

staircase.

and drew to a halt in front of down a long corridor, and

the entrance,

The coachman halted at an engraved oak

He knocked. A feeble voice calledfor us to enter. I walked into the room. An old man was lying in a huge, canopied bed. He was bald, toothless. His fingers trembled with palsy. He looked up at me door.

with

a not

I put

my

water.

unfriendly smile. Then he lifted

satchel

The old

beside the

man

reached into the bag, drew out

and stared at them coachman told me to take off my clothes.

instruments one by one, the

a rag and retched into

it.

bed and calledfor a basin of warm

down

151

my

surgical

with fascination. Then

JOE FRANK 2

A few

Hoffman's funeral was modest.

people came to the

chapel for a brief eulogy, then drove out to the cemetery. Earlier in the day, I'd visited Hoffman's apartment. In his

map

journal I'd found a

where, according

of Florida with Xs marking spots

to different legends, the

The

might be hidden.

Dreamland, the amusement park also read

transplants,

prolong

in

Hoffman's notes on the

life.

obsession.

gazed out

and

Orlando, were cited.

I'd

latest

advances

in

organ

deep freezing, and high-speed space travel to I was surprised. I'd had no idea of Hoffman's

We at

Fountain of Youth

Fort Lauderdale,

Everglades,

gathered around the grave, by the ocean.

I

the old people on the beach.

BORIS. Nice

day,

huh?

JACOB.

Last week there was BORIS. What day was that?

a

wonderful day.

ESTHER. Wednesday. JACOB. Yes, Wednesday. BORIS. There was no day last week JACOB. Not a cloud in the sky.

ESTHER. Did you BORIS. Too

ESTHER.

sit

that

was

nice.

outside?

cold.

wasn't

It

cold

too

on Wednesday.

I

know

that.

BORIS. You don't know today

—

this

ESTHER.

is .

a .

.

.

.

anything.

Now

this

week

.

Yes, this

is

what you

152

call a

perfect day.

THE DECLINE OF SPENGLER The morning

after

Hoffman's funeral,

I

boarded

a boat for

We made our way slowly through a swamp choked with vegetation, great

a tour of the Everglades.

bubbling,

winged

frothing

lizards

hovering above us.

We

passed villages of semi-

submerged dwellings where Indians

sat in

water up to their

shoulders baking bread and assembling parts of tropical

Others tended herds of sheep and cows. But

swamp,

difficult in the

entire families

engaged

fish.

was very

this

in treading

water and holding animals above their heads to prevent them

from drowning.

A few days location

later,

I

took a bus to Fort Lauderdale, the second

marked on Hoffman's map.

I

arrived during the

Aryan

The hotels were filled with European and AmerThe theme of the conference was the evolving

Convention.

ican delegates.

history of tions,

Western

civilization.

attended lectures, exhibi-

I

and meetings. Each evening's entertainment was

orable:

Monday

night

it

New

was the

mem-

York Philharmonic;

Tuesday evening, the Royal Shakespeare Company; Wednesand Barnum

day, the entire Ringling Brothers

& Bailey Circus

performed; Thursday, the Ice Capades; and, on Friday, the highlight of the series, an epic film of Alpine vistas, with stretches of fragrant pine trees

and chalets

.

.

.

cattle grazing in

flaming Alpine flowers

.

.

.

.

.

.

picturesque farmhouses

open meadows

surfaces reflected towering mountain peaks.

on

for hours,

but no one was allowed

.

.

fields of

The

film

went

to leave.

The following day was devoted to a demonstration of weapA bomb went off, and the next thing I knew it was dusk, was lying on a merry-go-round in Miami Beach, my pockets

ons. I

.

and lakes whose perfect, glasslike

153

JOE FRANK had been turned inside out, and

I

was wearing

a pair of fishnet

stockings and pumps.

ARNOLD.

DR.

First,

we

not coagulate the blood ... clear soups

posed

.

.

.

to

raw vegetables

.

.

.

—

we call them as opwe frown on. Then, we female patient in the human cen-

which, of course,

place a male patient and a fill

.

"fast-moving foods,"

to fast foods,

trifuge,

prescribe a diet of foods that do

fruit juice ..

them chock

seek fulfillment

of fast-moving foods, and ask

them

each other as the centrifuge revolves.

in

And we have found

full

that the combination of fast-moving foods

and centrifugal force

clears not only their blood vessels

and

arteries, but also their nasal passages, the pupils of their eyes,

and their

hair

seems

to take

on

a remarkable, lustrous quality.

Now, although this lasts only for as long as they're in the some patients become mildly addicted to centrif-

centrifuge,

ugal activity. In fact, a few houses have been built that are

revolving modules in which one gets accustomed to living

with constant centrifugal force.

A murder has been the case myself.

ments of wood, a few in the

committed. The trial is in progress. I prosecute

The evidence nails,

— a cup of vinegar,

some

and a pair of sandals —

thorns, frag-

lies

on a table

courtroom I cross-examine four witnesses Each presents dam.

.

aging testimony against the defendant, who, wearing a black hat and

a caftan,

studies

a

legal tome.

that disturbs me. Rather, sorcerers, prophets,

of

murder

himself.

But it isn't the defendant's scholarship

it is the jury

and holy men

— a motley group of shamans,

— each one awaiting

Every morning

trial on charges

they are led into the

courtroom

chained together. They have the wasted, faraway look offanatics. To

154

THE DECLINE OF SPEXGLER make matters

worse, the judge seems to have withdrawn into his

own

world. Every few minutes he looks up, inquires as to the correct

reminded of the general nature of the case before him,

time, asks to be

and calls a out.

recess to

have

The attending nurse

That

night,

bag attached to

the plastic rolls his

at the dinner

his

body flushed

wheelchair from the room.

table, I

trapped in a nightmare. The case

is

dont know what hopeless.

Tm

to do.

The months of

inter-

views, of compiling evidence, of exhaustive research, have been in

vain. I sip

them with

my soup and eat two spongy dumplings. I bend over

difficulty,

from my lap — and

to

After swallowing

pick up the napkin that has fallen

my father sprawled in the hallway between the bedroom and the kitchen. His pajama pants have been drawn down to his ankles, and lying beside him is a pair of pruning shears I can barely stifle my laughter.

See her every

notice

day.

Plump

figure.

Struts around pool in bikini

Husband, former

Wears too much makeup.

and spiked heels. About

scholar, suffered stroke, paralyzing

fifty.

one side

Once pompous, he's grown meek since Speaks humbly now, sputtering from a corner of

of face and body. illness.

mouth. Watching bubbles of

saliva bursting

the urge to break into gales of laughter.

gering.

Plies

me

grit

his lips,

my

I

his

feel

teeth.

meet, her

lips lin-

with questions about Hoffman's mono-

graphs and early plays.

was he going

I

me whenever we

She's friendly. Kisses

on

his

to write

Where did he get his ideas? What next? Then she tells me stories of

their encounters, during

which 155

I

feel constrained to laugh.

JOE FRANK

my

twisting

ing

face into a smile,

my

lungs mirthlessly explod-

air.

One pool,

afternoon, standing at

my window

overlooking the

watch her perform the Australian crawl. She swims

I

slowly and self-consciously, her hands gently dipping in the water.

She climbs

out, sits

on the steps

and removes her cap. Her dyed blond

down

to her shoulders.

stretches

We

—

She

tilts

at the

— and

notices me.

each other.

A few minutes later, still wearing her bikini, she my doorway smelling of a perfume that makes my weak. Gazing

at

are swollen,

and

few nights

I

She

I

me

them

script.

I

but with what}

make

reach in

in cutting

my

my

finger

hair,

in

her tears,

kissing

them and

try to read the label

I

pocket

for

my

glasses but succeed only

on the jagged edge of

a lens.

at

dawn

to collect

passion to find old bones.

them up

in

fossils,

find saber-toothed tiger remains, parts of mas-

todon skulls, ancient shark teeth.

on the sand

on the

out the words scrawled in a microscopic

There's a beach on the Gulf Coast scattered with

where you can

think

see her kneeling before her husband's

wiping them off with strands of her bottle, but can't

I

her glands

her bosom.

stare, distracted, at

later,

tells

wheelchair in the moonlight, bathing his feet

anointing

stands in

knees go

her through undulating waves of heat,

she's describing the onset of fever.

A

tumbling

her face to the sun, then

a lithesome, catlike uncoiling

stare at

shallow end,

hair bursts out,

books

The

them.

retired It's

They save them,

to figure

people go out

their

consuming

catalog them, look

out what they are, photograph

156

THE DECLINE OF SPENGLER them, mail the photographs back and

write learned

forth,

notes, form societies.

BORIS.

JACOB.

It

must be

BORIS. See tell.

When

JACOB.

at least

ninety today.

Yeah, the humidity

is

high.

the sweat on the plants? That's

how you

can

the plants start to sweat. I

didn't say they were rain clouds, Boris.

I

said

the humidity

BORIS. Are you deaf? I'm

telling

you that sometimes

it

can be a perfectly clear day and there will be high humidity

.

.

.

that's all

I'm saying.

/ woke up in a study.

The walls were lined with rows of old

and ancient scrolls. A lamp on the desk glowed dimly. and walked to the window. In the reflection I saw a bearded, middle-aged man with earlocks, wearing a black coat and hat. What's going on? I thought. What's happened to me? I threw the hat across the room and tugged at my beard, a shower of flaky crumbs falling at my feet, but it would not come loose. Then I ran toward the bathroom, unbuttoning my coat, hoping to find a razor. The voice of my housekeeper, Hilda, brought me back to my senses. "Just slide it under the door, " / called. manuscripts

I lifted myself from the floor

The

letter

was

bursting point.

and

terse.

Vd

The camps

—

steadily filling

up

been commissioned to design the

— were at

adjoining furnaces. The blueprints were long overdue.

157

the

new chambers There

JOE FRANK was no more time to be wasted. I must,

therefore, catch the next train

for headquarters with whatever designs missal

and a departmental

himself. I

The

Td completed,

letter

my uniform and had Hilda

The train was

minutes early

thirty

call

me a

Then

cab.

I thought, of

The men of the railroad

raised to the level of paradox.

to the future.

The car was crowded with men, women,

and children who were to the hum

no one could move. I listened

in so tightly that

of their conversation, which seemed in

and stared

the wastebasket.

—an example,

should be congratulated for their devotion

wedged

or face dis-

was signed by Kummel

read it over again and dropped it in

I changed into

efficiency

trial.

an

ancient, guttural tongue,

uneasily through the mist of cigarette smoke.

The rhythmic clicking of the

rails

made me drowsy.

I congratulated

myself on having found a safe niche in the corner, on the floor, which

was covered with straw and random mounds commuter

outrage, of course, that level.

Then

couldn

t

it

occurred to

remember,

mind, I thought.

Tm

bound for districts

me

either,

that I

when

was an

didnt know where I was

going.

I

T d boarded the train Tm losing my .

so far gone that

in which I

of manure. It

service should deteriorate to this

dont

Tve

live.

taken to boarding trains

And as

if

that weren't

bad

Tve selected an overcrowded car with no windows,

with straw

for seats, and piles of dung that are attracting horseflies by

the dozens.

enough,

I woke up in a shower room. I was sprawled in an entangled pile of bodies. I peered out and saw

a young man loading a wheelbarrow

with the dead. I allowed myself to be tossed, like a doll, into the

barrow. With

my arm

to the trench. It

trailing in the dirt, I enjoyed the

reminded me dimly of wagon

was dumped on a heap

of corpses, then searched for

a friend or an acquaintance. I saw

bumpy

ride

rides in childhood. I

a familiar face,

the violinist, Jakov, lying nearby,

158

THE DECLINE OF SPENGLER his

arms and

legs

twisted grotesquely. Next to him I recognized

streetcar conductor with

whom Fd sometimes

work. The man, after pleading with the guards, to keep his cap,

which was

still set

There didn't seem to be anyone

who resembled Rothstein, with

famous

actresses

else

had

a to

been allowed

at a rakish angle on his head. I knew, except for the fat

man

rumored to have had affairs

the financier,

and

my way

talked on

opera singers.

He

and my former

looked flushed

bloated, as if he might burst. I began to search for Rachel,

neighbor Holstein's wife. Sometimes in the drawing room of her

husband's apartment we'd flirted

But

Vd always

wanted

together. It

had come

to nothing.

her naked. I scanned the bodies but

to see

could not find her.

That night I climbed over

and

the side of the trench

traveled north, toward the Alps

Weeks

.

of the Redeemer, the Chosen One.

later,

When

escaped. I

I arrived at the retreat

night fell I climbed over the

wall, cut through barbed wire, crawled past machine gun artillery,

and antiaircraft installations.

Messiah planting

MESSIAH.

nests,

In the backyard I found the

trees in the moonlight.

Here, give

me a hand.

DON'T STAND THERE! YOU'RE STEPPING ON ONE OF MY SEEDS! WATCH WHAT YOU DO, YOU FOOL! Forgive me. You look awful. What's happened as

if you

to

you? You look

haven't slept for days.

HOW DARE YOU APPEAR BEFORE ME

IN THESE RAGS? LOOK AT YOURSELF! ITS A DISGRACE! ITS

OUTRAGEOUS! I'm

sorry. I forgot

you came here on your own, through all

endless obstacles. I apologize.

At

times, even I

159

am

only

these

human.

JOE FRANK DR. ARNOLD. Beach

is

We

have found that the

remarkably conducive

buried up to his neck

to all

here in Palm

soil

kinds of growth.

A patient

garden, for example, his scalp

in a small

carefully watered and tended

We have also buried people — although We have buried them head first and found

DR. AINSLEY. not in that way.

that people will relax in garden soil.

upon something you didn't

I

think you've stumbled

people

realize: that

will relax in

soil.

ARNOLD.

DR.

ularly peaceful,

Yes. This

and while

just limited to the scalp.

true.

is

They become

growth does occur,

hair

might add that

I

has nothing to do with the

soil

itself.

by the time people reach the age of enough. So rather than being oration,

it's

really

"I'm not going

emotional.

is

not

hearing

loss of

happens because they've heard

sixty,

symptom

a

much more

to listen

It

partic-

it

of physical deteriIt's

people saying,

anymore because everything

I

hear

upsets me."

I

read Hoffman's journal every night.

Book

III

began with the question:

think of this?"

was the outline

And what did

I

"I

think of

for a play.

160

The

first

entry of

wonder what it? I

they'll

didn't know.

It

THE DECLINE OF SPENGLER

THE LOST MAN The is

The atmosphere

production takes place in a church.

heavily religious

— resounding organ music,

heavy odor of

incense, a collection box passed from bench to bench.

Act

I

The

we

curtains part and

fitfully in his

and walks

find Poole, the film critic, tossing

bed. Unable to sleep, he

to his desk.

He

sits

old review. Gazing dully at

it,

lifts

himself wearily

down and thumbs through an he's startled

by the whistle of

a passing train.

The

curtains close. Act

I

has been completed in just forty

seconds. During the intermission, the audience

handed out and eaten, the

is

served

bit-

unleavened bread, and sacramental wine. While the

ter herbs,

food

is

actor

who

plays the part of

Poole enters the church unnoticed, finds an unoccupied seat,

and

falls

Act

II

asleep.

Poole awakens,

now

a

observed him on stage. sighs. is

The house

lights

member of the audience that just He yawns, stretches his arms, and

dim, the curtains

part,

and

a

movie

projected on a screen.

The ing

up

film in

is

man who one summer

about

a field

a

161

has lost his

memory. Wak-

afternoon, wearing only a

JOE FRANK gown and

he cannot

a pair of sandals,

recall

anything about

his past.

MAN. Who am I? What is this place? Peasant woman, have me before? PEASANT WOMAN. What? You? No. MAN. I don't look familiar to you? PEASANT WOMAN. No, I don't think you ever came

you ever seen

through these parts before.

MAN. Thank He makes

you.

Maybe

I'll

try

down

the valley.

the rounds of local police stations and missing

persons bureaus, vainly looking through to identify himself.

moving from

in

Then he wanders

village to village,

vaguely familiar

to

ask them

if

files

of photographs

across the countryside,

stopping people

who

look

they recognize him.

MAN. I was wondering. Do you know who I am? SHOPKEEPER. No, who are you, anyway? MAN. Well, that's exactly the problem. SHOPKEEPER. You don't know who you are? In the course of his travels, he has a series of adventures

with lepers and cripples, the

hem

HANS.

of his

all

of whom he manages to cure with

skirt.

(Ringing

MAN. Excuse

Make way. Lepers. Do I look familiar?

bell)

me.

MARIE. No, I'm sorry. HANS. I don't think I've

Beware.

seen you before, either.

162

THE DECLINE OF SPENGLER MAN.

you both.

(Sighs) Bless

(Harp

glissando)

HANS. What's happened? MARIE. Look, Hans! Your nose it's coming back! HANS. Marie, your scars are gone. You look so beautiful.

—

Oh, thank you,

sir.

MARIE. Thank you kindly. HANS. It's a miracle! Finally, sitting

on

He

is

own name. He He does not know where

know

his

going.

in this

tion

the edge of a dirt road, he

at

does not

know where he came from. And he does not know, moreover, what he

does not

he

fence

a

reviews his situation.

dismal film, so heavily symbolic,

and estrangement, with

its

is

themes of

doing

aliena-

religious overtones, so painfully

obvious.

NLAX. There must be another way All right.

know what

I

(He shakes

his head, disgusted,

and steps

NL\N. Ladies and gentlemen. sorry to disturb you. But

He

walks up the

rified.

a

art

Luger, and

I

had

its

problem.

I

out of the screen).

can't explain now.

I'm

to leave that film.

impinge

itself

the to

mouth.

POOLE. What have

my

on

is

suddenly

reality.

He

ter-

stands,

fires.

The man moans, crumples to down at the body, which seems from

I

toward Poole. Poole

aisle

He's just seen

draws out

to solve

to do.

done?

163

floor,

and

dies. Poole looks

be deflating, blood running

JOE FRANK Poole races out to the lobby and dashes up a marble staircase to the projection

room. The scene

is

televised and relayed to

the audience through monitors above the stage.

his

The

projec-

boy with pink cheeks and wings, looks up from

tionist, a little

magazine.

POOLE. Excuse me, BOY. Oh,

POOLE.

little

boy supposed

mister. You're not

— Can

you please stop

this

to

be here.

film

and run

it

backwards?

BOY. Huh?

POOLE.

You've got

to reverse the film! It

back into the screen and bring him back

could suck him

to life!

BOY. Gee, mister, I don't know what to do. POOLE. What do you mean, you don't know what

to

do?

Aren't you the projectionist?

BOY.

Sure, but

.

.

.

POOLE. Is there a supervisor or somebody? BOY. Do you want to talk to the manager? POOLE. Yes, the manager. Where is the manager? BOY. Oh,

POOLE.

Well, where

BOY. You the flight of

he's in the manager's office. is

the manager's office?

step out in the hall.

stairs. It's

Make

your

first left.

Go up

about the fourth door

Poole rushes out and begins running up the spiral staircase.

Gasping, he

He

finally reaches the

door of the manager's

knocks. There's no answer.

door swings open.

The room

He

tries

the

office.

knob and the

smells of decay. Poole plunges

forward, his hand clasped over his

164

mouth and

nose, until he

THE DECLINE OF SPENGLER comes upon the carcass of an his eyes and mouth open. Downstairs

in

old

down

breaks

still lies

Act

A small

aisle.

crowd

Someone

down

now assured

an actor playing a

is

that positive action

is

call

role.

being taken,

to the last act.

III

We dials

the

sobbing, another cries shrilly for an ambulance,

audience,

settles

in

floor,

out to the lobby yelling, "Find a phone and

the police!" Each one, however,

The

sprawled on the

the theater, the curtains close.

forms around the body, which

a third runs

man

find Poole hermetically sealed in a

numbers and speaks

to people,

but

phone booth. He

we

can't hear any-

thing he says. Perhaps he's consulting his lawyers. Perhaps he's speaking with at

members

of his family. Perhaps he's dialing

random and conversing with anyone who

The audience

is

left in

We

doubt.

expressions and gestures, his

will talk to

can only watch his

him. facial

mouth shaping the contours of

heated discussion progresses on center stage.

dumb show, The panel is

composed of robed clergymen who debate the

responsibility

words we can't quite make out. During Poole's a

for Christ's death.

FATHER BLUNT. Was Christ's he rose again?

It is a difficult

BROTHER THEOBALD. "Though He

rise again,

walk." So you see

it's

be

martyrdom genuine, since

question

in law.

Well, truly, in lines 31-57

He

still

dead,

not born into the

risen later, but actually as

he

rises himself,

165

it

says,

among us He shall man as he will be he proves himself.

JOE FRANK

The argument

soon gets derailed, sliding into tangential

questions concerning celibacy, priestly habit, the superiority of certain wines.

FATHER BLUNT. The BISHOP BOYLAN. anymore. Practice

ideal has always existed.

Ah, yes. But the ideal has no meaning

is all.

What are we here

BROTHER THEOBALD.

for if not to practice?

Brothers, this

is

not a discussion

of Platonic concepts.

BISHOP BOYLAN.

Precisely.

BROTHER THEOBALD. This

is

a question,

if

a

It's

man be

not a question of the caves.

risen,

can he be said to be a

martyr?

BISHOP BOYLAN.

Yes, Doctor O'Malley was right

he said that martyrs cannot exist

when

they do not enter into the

if

mainstream of civilization. So, when we are spoken of as of the cloth,

men

think the tailoring of our habits should be

I

considered as important as the tailoring of our ideals.

BROTHER THEOBALD. Man

is

known by

the raiment

he doth put on.

FATHER BLUNT. ex vestitu. Or, if

you

Indeed. will,

one who goes without

what they called

It is

vestitus sine vestitu in

cloth.

illustratio

the case of

So we must be with the cloth

and of the cloth

BISHOP BOYLAN.

Yes, by the cloth, of the

BROTHER THEOBALD. And we

through the cloth

I

think

shall succeed.

BISHOP BOYLAN. My are

cloth—

wine

stains

all

goodness, just look at you! There

over your cassock!

166

It's

an abomination!

Why

THE DECLINE OF SPEXGLER in the

world don't you get those wash-and-wear cassocks we've

spoken of so often?

BROTHER THEOBALD. BISHOP BOYLAN. You

Father,

Fm

not so vain as

to—

are a pig.

BROTHER THEOBALD. You are an idolator! FATHER BLUNT. You can't tell a Chateauneuf-du-Pape from sherry.

BISHOP BOYLAN. A wine with

castic

Chateauneuf-du-Pape

a terribly bitter aftertaste

is

and

a

very

a

not very

sar-

confident bouquet.

BROTHER THEOBALD. A

wine of very small nose and

of presumption.

BISHOP BLUNT.

I

take offense—

BROTHER THEOBALD. The file

audience,

at first

out of the theater.

It

has no finesse!

intrigued but

The

who, unable

bored, begins to

remaining few are rewarded

their patience with an organ recital. The clerics,

now

to reason

for

music drowns out the

any longer, engage

in a violent

struggle for dominance. Poole bursts out laughing. Perhaps he

has just heard something witty over the phone. Perhaps he

is

amused by the

at

priests' slaughter.

the awful silence of the universe. his

Perhaps he

We watch

him

is

laughing

grip his belly,

body bent forward, shoulders jerking convulsively, tears down his face which is buried now in his cupped

—

streaming

hands

—

SICK

as the curtain slowly closes.

WOMAN

(through telephone). Hello.

DOCTOR AINSLEY.

Hello.

167

JOE FRANK

SICK

WOMAN.

Doctor, listen.

DOCTOR AINSLEY. SICK

WOMAN.

Yes.

I'm wearing

a

neck brace.

DOCTOR AINSLEY. Yes. SICK WOMAN. had a freak accident. DOCTOR AINSLEY. Uh huh. SICK WOMAN. When bent down. And my I

bones are

I

twisted on the left side.

DOCTOR AINSLEY. Uh huh. WOMAN. I'm on Valium all the time. DOCTOR AINSLEY. Yes. SICK WOMAN. Because have fast heartbeats SICK

I

hundred and

thirty-five beats a

of a

minute.

DOCTOR AINSLEY. Yes. SICK WOMAN. Which means my

heart could burst and

I

could drop dead of a heart attack.

DOCTOR AINSLEY. SICK WOMAN. It's

Well, what exactly .

.

.

ahh

.

.

.

is

breathing

the problem? .

.

heavy on

.

the chest.

DOCTOR AINSLEY. Uh huh. SICK WOMAN. And a very nervous stomach. DOCTOR AINSLEY. Yes. Go on. SICK WOMAN. And start to sweat and feel I

it's

hot

when

not.

DOCTOR AINSLEY. Uh

huh.

not. SICK WOMAN. And feel cold when DOCTOR AINSLEY. Uh huh. Yes. Go on. SICK WOMAN. And think like I'm dying and it's

I

I

would die

to

end

I

wish

I

it all.

DOCTOR AINSLEY.

Well, we're going to have to

168

move

THE DECLINE OF SPENGLER along.

I

appreciate your calling, but

the problem,

we

BORIS. Ahh. BORIS. No,

you can't narrow

in

on

can hardly give you an answer.

Beautiful day!

JACOB. Do you want one want

if

I

to play a little canasta?

don't like canasta.

How

about bridge? Any-

to play bridge?

JACOB.

It's a

BORIS. And

boring game.

canasta isn't?

JACOB. Canasta's got a little life ... a ESTHER. What's wrong with bridge? JACOB. I told you. It's dull. ESTHER. I've got a headache. JACOB. If only the humidity would let

little

spunk.

up.

BORIS. What do you mean? There's no humidity.

It's a

perfectly clear day.

ESTHER. You BORIS. No.

He

don't have any trouble with your sinuses?

My

sinuses are perfect.

I

just

went

to the

have the heart and lungs of

a twenty-five-

ESTHER. So how long do you think you're JACOB. Everything else is falling apart.

going to live?

doctor.

said

I

year-old man.

BORIS.

If

I

die tomorrow,

I'll still

have better lungs than

you do.

/ was a brilliant scholar, well versed in the subtleties of the

and the complexities

of the

Kabbalah

169

.

Yet I

Gemara

remained a troubled man

,

JOE FRANK bewildered about the course

and purpose

of

my

life.

One

evening,

while contemplating suicide, I overheard two students speak fervently

man possessed the and see for myself if the master's I put on my hat, my coat, packed

of the Zaddik of Rome. Perhaps this famous wise

answers I needed. I decided

to

go

teachings justified his reputation.

an overnight bag, and traveled on foot to Rome. When

I reached the

Zaddik *s house andfinally stood before him, I waitedfor the Zaddik to

speak profoundly. But the Zaddik only told me that once a surgeon

was

called to

him. After I took a

a great house where an operation was performed on

this,

he dismissed me.

room for

the night at

a

local inn.

The following evening I again went

would hear something

tonight I

to the

Zaddik 's house. Surely

But

of the master's wisdom.

all the

Zaddik told me was that once a famous prosecutor found himself guilty as charged.

know what

I did not

When bill,

to

make

of these parables.

I returned to the inn, I collected

and

my

belongings,

hired a driver for the journey home.

paid

We would

the

start as

soon as the weather cleared. But around midnight, as the full moon appeared, a to visit the

received

me

man from

the

Zaddik burst

Zaddik immediately. I in his study.

left

in with

He told me that a great engineer awoke

evening in just such a room,

and that upon

rising

a mirror, he found himself transformed into a dispatch slipped under his door brought letter

a message. I was

at once. This time the Zaddik

holy

him back

to his senses.

requested his immediate departure for headquarters

the next train that

himself trapped in

eluded death

and

passed through

his provincial

a car crowded with

refugees.

one

and gazing into man. An official

.

He caught

town only

He

The

to

find

miraculously

escaped by cutting his way through barbed wire.

170

THE DECLINE OF SPENGLER Then he traveled north until he reached the retreat of the Messiah,

who was planting Bewildered by

absurd and extraordinary

Why are you

me

telling

story, I interrupted

this?' Staring fiercely at me,

Zaddik removed his outer garment, revealing an S.S. uniform,

and announced scornfully to

this

iC

the Zaddik. the

trees in the moonlight.

placed me under arrest. Two soldiers entered and took me

a van parked at

was forced was

off the road, I

the

was rescued

way

van

to the prison, the

by the underground,

and

I

Zaddik of Rome, who, disguised as a Nazi

was vacationing

When we

But on

the curb.

taken to the real

officer,

He

himself as Captain Kreitz of the Secret Police.

reached the

in Palermo.

Zaddik 's house and I finally stood before

the

— resplendent in a black uniform with a death's head, crossbones, and an Iron Cross — / waited for the Zaddik utter his master

to

teachings so that I might weigh them.

that once

a surgeon was

the

Zaddik only told me

a great house where an operation

called to

was performed on him. After

But

this,

he dismissed me.

I took a room at a local inn. All night long I labored at the

my drawing

blueprints for the chambers on

The next evening I again went

to the

board.

Zaddik

}

s house.

But

all the

Zaddik told me was that once a famous prosecutor found himself guilty as charged.

I did not

know what

When I returned bill,

and caught

MESSIAH. rust

.

.

.

.

.

Little by

.

of these parables.

to the inn, I collected

the next train

paints peel off

gums bleed

make

to

little, .

.

teeth rot

for

.

.

.

time

arteries .

my

belongings,

paid

the

Berlin.

harden

lovers leave

171

our

kills all

.

.

.

.

.

.

Pipes

illusions.

brains soften

friends flee

.

.

.

.

.

.

JOE FRANK What has become

the firm bright tree of

A

We are no longer firm bright apples on We are a mess of rotting applesauce.

of us? life.

change has come over the world. Dark thoughts are born. Dark

deeds ripen in the midst of their vapors. The eye of shines on us.

burned-out

Where once

it

shone there

is

nothing

God no

longer

now but an

empty,

socket.

I'll buy a gas station or open a small Tampa. I'll marry an attractive divorcee

beauty products

in

department

a

TV

—

shop

repair

who

a clerk

sells

She'll be tired of

store.

sleeping with people in motels that are so well

lit

outside

you can never get the room dark enough. She'll marry because

she'll

want

home

a stable

life.

in

We'll

me

the back-

sit in

yard of our trailer on those chairs with straps on them, next to a

chipped birdbath. We'll grow old together. Then, one

day,

I'll

hook

a

get a hernia

when I'm

cinderblock.

I'll

fishing in

my

small boat and

develop prostate trouble and get

cancer of the nose. She'll become religious. She'll turn to Jesus

— who has snake

hips,

is

quite lean, blond, a pretty

surfer, has a beautiful tenor voice, plays the

and would be

a

fair

pedal steel guitar,

very fine dirt-bike scrambler except for his

robes. She'll go to church wearing a shiny blue suit with

around the neck, gloves,

And

a hat

with a

little

bunch of cherries,

frills

a purse,

and sensible shoes. there will be no scroll in our doorway

totemic pink flamingo,

made

.

.

.

only the

of plaster of Paris, on our front

lawn.

172

THE DECLINE OF SPENGLER

Cleaned out Hoffman's apartment. Gave most of longings to local charities. Kept a prayer shawl,

his be-

some books

of mysticism and poetry, a ram's horn, and a Bible. Also un-

covered, in the back of his closet, a neatly folded black uniform, a riding crop, boots, and a cap with the insignia of a lightning bolt.

Hoffman's journal closed with

amusement park

the

in

a description of

Orlando.

The work

Dreamland,

going on

the

at

space center there, he wrote, was extremely promising. In fact,

ship,

he'd booked himself on the inaugural

rumored

to

the ticket in the back of the journal.

and see

flight

its

.

.

.

platform.

speech of

concessions.

A

crowd

I

decided

I

rocket

found

to drive

up

is

Then

I

I

pass rides

.

.

.

see the spaceship poised on

gathered around

listening to the

it,

a tour guide.

TOUR GUIDE. was the legend of

What a

and fortune hunters, here

its

for myself.

In Dreamland. Strolling along the midway.

exhibits

of

be capable of unprecedented speed.

in search

first

attracted explorers to Florida

Fountain of Youth. Soon, entrepreneurs as well as the old, sick,

of the restorative spring.

never discovered. But

and dying, came

The

Fountain was

in its place a rocketship has

that can transcend the speed of light

process. Tickets are available in both

173

been

built

and reverse the aging

first

class

and coach.

.

.

.

JOE FRANK give Hoffman's ticket to the guard at the gate, walk up

I

the ramp, and enter.

STEWARDESS.

Flight 66

now ready

is

Please check that your seat belt

is

for

departure.

securely fastened and your

seat upright for lift-off.

MISSION CONTROL. Launch .

.

.

three

.

.

.

two

.

.

.

one

.

.

.

sequence. Five

.

.

.

four

ignition.

BLAST OFF We've crash-landed in a swamp. The ship is a smoking ruin. We spend most of our time jumping from behind rocks, springing out of trees, emerging from holes in the ground, and dragging ancient and useless electrical household appliances

behind

us.

We've

Yes, hundreds of years have passed into the future.

learned there was a war, concussions from nuclear explosions altering the earth's axis, causing the polar icecaps to melt,

flooding coastal areas so that

members of our group ied three

hundred

New

originally migrated to Florida,

feet

under the ocean,

and out of the windows of the

And now

the

and Women.

members

We

York, from which so

fishes

many

was bur-

swimming

in

city.

of our expedition serve as Wise

Men

write histories, books on ancient technology,

and go on long hikes

in the

mountains, through

fields

of flam-

some

and

a pair of

ing Alpine flour, a cup of vinegar,

thorns,

sandals, and I dreamt I woke up dreaming again, or was I still awake dreaming I was asleep under a fountain with a tank of ice water, a spout, and a dispenser with paper cups, thinking:

Listen, just bring

me

a mint, coffee,

174

and

a pillow,

and

I'll

try

THE DECLINE OF SPENGLER Do

to relax.

you have any Dramamine?

depth. You don't

see,

my problem

know whether

is

—

or

Miami,

for that

matter

think I'm out of

—

I

a point of is

glorious.

the history, the sheer incoherence of

fossils,

go

my

to a funeral

demonstrate

to laugh, cry, or

rangements. I've failed to adopt tine

I

whenever

I

floral ar-

view over Pales-

The

shrines, the

form of

a

it all is

amnesia, like being trapped in a burning temple wearing a pair of shorts

me

.

and suspenders and performing

dance,

folk .

.

thinking:

look

me up

in

Help

books

me

.

to find

.

.

save

out

who

in a traditional

me /

.

am

.

catalog

.

.

.

.

what

and I'll say, "Thank you. Thank you very Vve done much. Very nice of you. I appreciate it. I really do. You have .

a

.

kind heart.

.

A

good

soul.

I

won't forget

175

this.

Ever again."

(continued from front flap)

Frank's world, such as the "Fat of meaningfulness:

Man," can only

dream

"You know, when the

life

I've led,

I

I

think about myself

feel self-loathing,

waste and a failure. imagine myself as a character in a novel well, I think I'm pretty interesting, kind of disgust. I'm a

and

shame, and But when I .

.

.

off-

beat, intriguing, entertaining."

For years, Joe Frank's broadcasts have invited millions of listeners to the strange world

of his

mesmerizing

stories. In this, his first

book, Frank effortlessly segues to the printed page and imparts a new resonance to his narrative inventions.

Radio dramatist Joe Frank has achieved a cult following with his evening broadcasts from KCRW in Los Angeles, on NPR, and with his stage work. He lives in Los Angeles. Jacket design by Russell

Gordon Zacharow

Jacket illustration by Christopher

William Morrow & Company, Inc. 1350 Avenue of the Americas

New York, NY.

10019

Printed in U.S.A.

"Joe Frank's stories are just as spellbinding on the page as they were coming out of my radio, but now I no longer have to tape them to enjoy them a second time." Edward Sorel, cartoonist, The New Yorker

—

"Joe Frank plumbs the cultural subconscious for the subtlest, funniest and just plain weirdest monologues on the airwaves."

"A combination monologist-philosopher-black comic-shrink, Frank strips away radio's genteel veneer of good vibes and exposes the private fears that plague us all."

— Los Angeles

Times

explore scenes that are so squea"Frank's monologues intimate, that listening to harrowingly personal, so mishly them is akin to reading the journal of a close friend and discovering things you'd rather not have known." .

.

.

— L.A.

Style

Magazine