Joe Frank - The Queen of Puerto Rico and Other Stories
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Scan of legendary radio dramatist Joe Frank's out of print book "The Queen of Puerto Rico: and Other Stories&qu...
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THE QUEEN OF PUERTO RICO and Other Stories
JOE FRANK
t
ISBN 0-688-08765-5
FPT $18.00
Stories from the dark side by Joe Frank, "a radio artist in a field of one"
—LA. Weekly
THE QUEEN OF PUERTO RICO and Other Stories
•JOE FRANK* Joe Frank has been called "the apostle of radio noir." In this first collection of stories, he takes
us on an obsessive, violent, and sexual odyssey in which individual lives become emblematic of a larger spiritual crisis. He also captures on paper the same eerie speculation and humor he delivers in his late-night monologues on National Public Radio.
We
meet characters who have
jobs, not lead lives of half-steps, of rootlessness without cause. Frank's narratives result in a kaleidoscopic sense of time, wherein entire lives pass with a few brief moments of inchoate realization. Moments of comic lunacy blend with scenes of great poignancy and careers,
who
terror.
In the novella "Night," the protagonist
wanders through a series of odd jobs, through prison, to Vietnam, to become the right-hand man of a television evangelist, and without any more purpose approaches his own death. In "Fat Man," a college student travels across the country stealing brownies from roadside Howard Johnsons and then spends the next year returning them. "Date" encapsulates a
woman's
her boyfriend's sugges"The Decline of the Spengler" is a wildly inventive radio play in which the narrative of a funeral is melded with the dreams of a playwright slowly slipping into entire
life
in
tions for her personal ad.
madness. In their desperation, the characters in Joe
(continued on back flap)
THE
Queen of Puerto Rico
THE
Queen of Puerto Rico And Other Stories
Joe Frank
WILLIAM MORROW AND COMPANY, NEW YORK
INC.
Copyright
©
1993 by Joseph Frank
No part of this book may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage or retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Publisher. Inquiries should be addressed to Permissions Department, William Morrow and Company, Inc., 1350 Avenue of the Americas, New York, N.Y. 10019.
All rights reserved.
Morrow and Company, Inc., and its imprints and recognizing the importance of preserving what has been written, to print the books we publish on acid-free paper, and we exert our best efforts to It is
the policy of William
affiliates,
that end.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Frank, Joe.
The queen
of Puerto Rico and other stories /Joe Frank.
p.
cm.
— Fat man — Night — Date — Walter — The decline of Spengler —
Contents: Tell me what to do The queen of Puerto Rico Philosophy. ISBN 0-688-08765-5
—
I.
Title.
PS3556.R33424Q4 813'.
1993
54— dc20
93-234
CIP Printed in the United States of America First Edition
123456789
10
For
my
parents
Acknowledgments
My deepest gratitude goes to actor/director Arthur Miller, who me
has worked with
and helped
for years in radio
and shaping much of the material
for this
book.
in creating
"The Decline
of Spengler," a collaborative radio play both written and improvised,
would not have been possible without the
contri-
butions of Arthur and the rest of the cast, which included
Lester Nafzger, Barbara Sohmers, David Rapkin, Charles Potter,
Hart,
Joseph Palmieri, Timothy Jerome, Leslie Cass, Avery
Rosemary
Foley,
and Brother Theodore.
In the preparation of the material
I
was
also fortunate to
have the guidance, insights, and constructive editing of Larry Massett, Madeleine Lundberg,
David Madole, Farley
Ziegler,
Special thanks also to
Tony Cohan, Larry
Kusnitt,
and Kathleen Morahan.
Henry Dennis, Tom
Strother, Kerry
Breeze, Rusty Wayne, and Jack Cheeseborough for their contributions to the work.
I'm grateful support.
to
Ariana Morgenstem for her friendship and
Contents
Tell
Me What
to
Do
13
Fat
Man
43
Night 69
Green Cadillac 103
Date 111
The Queen
of Puerto Rico
127
CONTENTS Winter 143
The
Decline of Spengler 149
THE
Queen of Puerto Rico
Tell
A
fter
people
—
work one Friday she was frequently one of the last she came into his office and sat down. She
to leave
was wearing
brimmed in
Me What to Do
—
a raincoat, a pair of thick glasses,
and
a
wide-
hat that shaded her face. She slumped languorously
her chair. There was an odd twist to her mouth.
He
guessed
she was in her mid-thirties, but she might have been older.
When
she removed her hat her hair was unkempt, and there
was something
slightly careless
charming and annoying. She
about her that he found both
said she
had recently come from
Miami, where she had been the marketing director
for a
shop-
ping center.
"And you came here because
of a man," he said.
"You're absolutely right," she answered.
know?" 13
"How
did you
JOE FRANK She a to
a cigarette
lit
and
told
him she had been involved with
When
South African stockbroker.
work on Wall
she decided to leave her
The
hadn't worked. endlessly.
He
further, she
Miami and
life in
her, staying
out
that
But
it
Now she was
Citibank
a position at
him
York
much
They argued
late.
all this
few days off next week
to take a
New
To confuse
apartment.
to a friend's
had been offered
cago, and the reason she was telling
might need
to
join him.
relationship had soured.
was avoiding
about to move
he moved
Street, they missed each other so
things
Chi-
in
was that she
to fly to
Chicago
and check things out.
She
had given up a
that she
York, and to
move
have
wry amusement. She found terrific job in Miami to come
told her story with
now
ironic
to
New
she couldn't get along with her lover and had
out. "If
move
to
it
I
accept the Citibank offer," she said,
"I'll
again."
"Let's go for a drink," he said.
They walked
to a bar.
He was
wearing
wore them outdoors, indoors, day and people
to see his eyes, to
wearing glasses
Once She
man
He
He
didn't like
feeling.
She was
too, with thick lenses that magnified her eyes.
wear her hat and
raincoat.
him that last night she had picked up a huge black downtown club. They had gone to his place but she remember much about it. "I know you're beginning
told
at a
me in When she
think of
that."
night.
know what he was
inside, she continued to
couldn't to
his sunglasses.
a certain
arrived
way," she
home
at
14
"but I'm not
like
dawn, Gardner, her boy-
where she'd been. "But how did he feel about it?"
friend, didn't ask
said,
TELL ME WHAT TO DO "He
doesn't care."
"I don't believe it."
"No, he
Then
me
wants
really
out."
He
asked
to the
phone
she said she was afraid to go to Chicago.
her why, but she wouldn't explain.
At one point, he excused himself and walked booth on the corner door
to the bar
by herself
at
like the
the end of a bar let
him
had
to get
looked
it
her through the
at
closes
down room and make
up
he returned, the
kind of woman you see sitting
when
He
in.
her he wanted to rent a said she
He
was locked.
window and she seemed and the waiter
When
to call his wife.
He
He waved
love to her. But she
morning
early the next
clothes into a friend's apartment.
down.
beside her and told
sat
asked
move her her number
to
for
She wrote it down. Then he walked her out of the bar, hailed a taxi, and squeezed her hand. "Are you going home?" he asked. He wondered if she was going to another bar to there.
pick up
someone
else.
"Yes, I'm going
He watched
home," she
her cab drive off and
apartment that night and
and over again, Eve
.
.
.
called her Saturday
if
Eve
in.
When
to his wife, all
.
.
.
Eve
.
.
silently,
phone the
said,
walk-up
first
over
time.
out. It
He
was
asked
"Sure." Her apartment was
in the Village.
he came through the door she
15
he
.
morning when Kathy was
he could come over. She third floor of a
got back to his
repeated her name,
strange talking to her on the
on the
when he
down next
lay
He
could think of was her.
He
said.
said,
She buzzed him
"We
won't stay
JOE FRANK long." She was wearing slacks and a loose-fitting sweater.
They
both
He
felt shy.
here? and sat
down on
She looked
at
wondered, What
am
the hell
I doing
the living-room couch.
him. "What's going on?"
"Let's not ask."
She poured him
Coke and asked
a
if
he wanted rum
because that was her drink, Bacardi and Coke.
She turned on the
They
cigarette.
radio, sat
down next
listened to a jazz
trio.
He
him, and
to
When
in
it
nodded. lit
a
the piece was
over he turned to her.
"How
about sex?" he asked.
"What do you mean?" "I mean you me here
— —
we?
we're going to do
If
They were
both
still
it,
of
and he wondered
woman
let's
do
it
it.
Will
we or won't
now."
wearing their glasses.
"I'm a different kind of said,
— now — doing
if
woman
than you think
I
am," she
she was confused about what kind
she really was. "Besides," she added, "there's not
enough time." "I can't leave here without holding if
we
make out?" She looked down and
"No want
He
and kissing you. What
just
smiled.
matter what happens," he
to do,
we
said,
"no matter what you
won't."
took off his jacket, loosened his
tie,
and rolled up
his
sleeves.
"What
are
you doing? Getting ready
He
"Exactly," he said.
her thick glasses, and
her face for the
first
for
work?"
took off his sunglasses, she took off
when he looked
into her eyes
and saw
time, she looked beautiful to him. She
16
TELL ME WHAT TO DO moved
into his arms, kissed him,
his thigh as if
and wrapped her legs around
they had been making love for years.
They hugged and kissed for about ten got up, rolled down his sleeves, put on his asked, "Are you
"No," she
They and
left
still
minutes. tie
Then he
and jacket, and
self-conscious?"
said.
the apartment. In the street, she got into a taxi
left.
At
first
looked
he
felt exhilarated.
when
He
thought of how beautiful she
she removed her glasses, and her kisses lingered
with him. But as he walked home, he began to wonder about the ease with which she had wrapped herself around him. She
had been too responsive. She had given herself over too
He
couldn't help thinking she was an old pro, and the feeling
lurked in him that
maybe she did
this
with a
At work on Monday, he waited impatiently up.
When
lot
of men.
for her to
show
she arrived, she was distant and discreet. After
he was her supervisor, that said, "Tonight. to
easily.
A
a married
man.
He
all,
wrote her a card
drink?" There were two boxes for her
check, "Yes" or "No." Later, he went to her desk to pick
She had checked the "Yes" box. That evening they went to another bar. Now they were almost lovers. He wore his sunglasses and she wore her thick it
up.
glasses,
and
as long as they
protected from each other.
he was
forty,
He
head slumped forward on
"He
asked about Gardner. She said
South African, divorced, and had two young
daughters. She pointed at a
she said.
kept their glasses on they were
drinks
all
man
sitting at a table nearby, his
his chest.
"That's like Gardner,"
the time." Nevertheless, he earned
17
JOE FRANK a considerable salary
and was being groomed
He
position in his company. clothes,
for
an important
paid the rent, purchased her
and loaned her money.
"Has he been buying you?" he asked. "No, but I think I'd make a good whore." "Well,
if
you're looking for work,
have connections.
I
course, I'd have to audition you first," he added.
you think you'd make hard
life,"
her with different
Then was
she said, "and said,
men was
"and
I
beginning
think I'd enjoy
lonely."
it's
to
The
make him
jealous.
He
said
it
was on business, but she suspected
for pleasure; shortly after
moving
into Gardner's apart-
ment, she had found porno magazines, nude photos, and ters
from
He and
women
shook
in a
his head,
told her that
was
as if fate
let-
bureau drawer.
blew
Kathy was
day morning to attend It
it."
idea of
she told him Gardner was leaving for Bangkok the
next morning. it
he
"What makes
good whore?"
a
know about men,"
"I
"It's a
Of
a
his breath out
through pursed
also leaving for
conference.
lips,
Minneapolis Tues-
They stared
were whispering, Here's an
at
each other.
opening. Take
it.
"All right. I'm going to give you my address," he said, "and want you to be there at eight o'clock tomorrow night." She nodded and he had the impression she liked being told what to do. I
In ten years of marriage he had never brought another
woman
to his
apartment.
If
Kathy ever found out, she would
be devastated. But somehow he didn't himself, he
know
would be extremely
careful,
couldn't hurt her. After Kathy
18
care. Besides,
he
told
and what she didn't
left for
the airport, he
TELL ME WHAT TO DO vacuumed, washed the dishes, changed the bedding, hid the wedding photos, and put all of her clothes in the back of the
He
closet.
bought
a quart of
Bacardi and picked up a Chinese
restaurant menu in case they wanted to order out. Then he wondered what would happen if one of his neighbors saw the cute blonde show up at his door. Shortly after eight o'clock the doorman buzzed. He rang her through, put on some music, and turned down the lights. Candles flickered on the night table in the bedroom. He opened the door and she stood before him. Earlier, he had called Kathy in Minneapolis just to make sure she was really a
thousand miles away.
He
fixed drinks
— Bacardi and Cokes — and
feeling tongue-tied.
and he
said,
said,
and
sat
She
sat across
from him,
"So here we are." They stared
"Come
to
him.
He began
on the sofa
lit
a cigarette,
each other. Finally,
at
over here." She gave him a
down next
sat
little-girl
pout
stroking her hair, but
make love for the make it good. It'll
she didn't respond. "Look, we're going to first
time only once," he
never be like
this again."
and they began
away from him
to
kiss.
"so
said,
He
Every
as if to ask,
let's
leaned forward, embraced her, so often
"Who
she would back
are you?
What
are
we
doing?"
She was
so small
carried her into the
and
lithe that
he picked her up easily and
bedroom, and from the moment he began
making love to her he had the feeling she was a little girl of Her high, short shrieks were like a child's, and he wondered if the neighbors could hear. Then she began to ask him, "Tell me what you want tell me what to do," and twelve.
.
they
made
love
all
.
.
night long, until dawn.
19
JOE FRANK
In the morning, he decided they should leave the apartment
"This
separately.
what
is
go downstairs, turn
we'll do,"
he
"You leave
said.
and walk south on Third Avenue.
left,
He
leave five minutes later and catch up with you."
out the eyehole to
first,
make
I'll
looked
sure there was no one in the hall and
then opened the door. She stood behind him
her raincoat,
in
wide-brimmed hat, and thick glasses. "Okay," he said, and motioned for her to go. She passed him and he closed the door behind her.
He
waited about
five
minutes, walked
Third Avenue, and didn't see her anywhere.
were empty, and he
o'clock, the streets
angry. She walked the wrong way, structions. She's unreliable.
He
corner.
damn
Then, with
himself getting
felt
it.
down
was eight
It
She can 7 follow
relief,
he saw her
jogged up the block, they hugged, and he
strong, confident, as
if
a beautiful spring day.
he were expanding with
He
told her
in-
at the
love. It
felt
was
how sweet she was and
me
she rolled her eyes and said, "Please don't talk to
that
way."
As she got he never said
he said he was
in a cab,
to
in love
with her
— words
Kathy anymore, though he considered himself
happily married and had no intention of leaving his wife. closed the door and
Eating breakfast
He
night. felt so
silently,
waved
drove
in a coffee shop,
relived the
first
uncomfortable,
off.
he started
part of the evening
when
to rehash the
when
they had stared
at
they had
each other
and he thought, "I should have been more relaxed."
Then he remembered over.
as she
He
their lovemaking.
Get on your knees.
Sit
20
He
had
said,
"Turn
on the bureau. Open your
TELL ME WHAT TO DO mouth." And she had
said, "Yes,
Once, she had curled up
sir.
in his
and
just hold her, please hold her,
Right,
sir.
Okay,
sir."
arms and asked him
a fatherly feeling
to
had come
over him.
She had
—
pungent perfume
a
rich,
sweet, and strong, one
step away from being cheap. Normally he didn't like strong
perfume, but he spent the its
scent.
When
rest of the
he came home
to
morning hallucinating
pick up his briefcase for
work, he smelled the living-room couch where she had
sat,
picked up the bedroom pillow, breathed
felt
energized,
He saw
filled
her
at
in
her odor, and
with strength. the office later that day. She was wearing a
low-cut blouse and tight jeans. Suddenly the other men,
had never paid attention to her, were taking notice.
He
who felt
someone else? Work her way through the department? At the same time, he felt a sense of pride. She didn't need to protect herself with the hat and the raincoat anymore because she loved him and felt safe
jealous.
Was she going
to
make
a pass at
They barely spoke to each other, but under the surface he knew they were both vibrating. He was impressed by how good she was at dissembling, but in his
presence.
also slightly
saddened by
had probably done go back to in
my
it
he did, their
want
it
reminded him
He wanted
to say,
that she
"Look,
let's
apartment, take off our clothes, get right back
bed, and take up where
didn't
because
this before.
affair
we
left off."
But he was
afraid
if
might turn into something tawdry, and he
to lose the magic.
Last night he had said, "If
this
is the only night we spend together, it will be fine with me. You have your guy, and I have my gal. " He had even suggested
that
it
might be better
as a
romantic one-night adventure.
21
JOE FRANK " 'We'll always have Paris,' " he'd said. But late in the after-
noon he asked her It
to
come back with him anyway.
how
couldn't help wondering
way he loved
the
He
turned out she had friends she might have to see. it
was possible,
she loved him
if
that seeing her friends could
her,
be
as
important as seeing him. Did I imagine everything that happened last night?'"When will
Her
would have
He
free.
to see
them.
If
they didn't, she would
didn't believe her. She's a creature of mood. She's
not good at planning ahead. It all depends on the
sure.
friends were supposed to call later that evening. If they
called, she
be
you know?" he asked. She wasn't
how
she's feeling at
moment.
Ten minutes
phone
later, his
from college who wanted
to
rang. It
go out
was Leila, an old friend
for dinner. Leila
and he thought, Okay, two can play
attractive
told Leila to
come over twenty minutes
this
was very
game. So he
before the office
closed.
When
showed her around. He wanted
Leila arrived, he
make Eve
jealous,
and he
"I'm going out meet,
call
and, for a
me
to dinner.
He
later."
moment,
one night she'd
call
felt
he were back
felt as if
school. Before they left, he
went up
I'll
to
be home by ten.
It
high
Eve's desk and said,
gave her his unlisted anxious.
in
to
If
you want
to
home number
occurred to him that late
while he and Kathy were in bed.
Leila wanted to go back to his apartment rather than spend
money
in a restaurant.
He
found
it
interesting that
when he
entered his building with her he didn't worry about the door-
man
or the neighbors.
feel guilty
about
it.
He knew she was a friend
They had
a
few drinks and
Leila was talking about her boyfriend
22
and he didn't
when
a salad
and
the phone rang.
TELL ME WHAT TO DO He knew who
it
was and waited three
rings before lifting the
receiver.
She sounded a little drunk. They didn't show up, he thought, and she went to a bar and has had a few. She asked him about her Chicago job offer.
What should she do? She had
tomorrow. "I can't discuss don't you
back
call
in
Leila stared at him.
"A
this
with you now," he
Then he hung
an hour?"
"Who was
to
decide
said.
"Why
up.
that?"
some changes at work." She gave him a funny look.
friend who's going through
Leila
About
knew him thirty
well.
minutes
later,
he heard the buzzer from down-
an electric shock. Leila turned to him. "More
stairs. It felt like
changes?"
He walked
to the intercom. It
the button and heard Eve's voice. "I'm here. I
want
to talk to
He
was 10:00 p.m.
Can
I
come up?
you."
"No, I'll come down." She laughed. "Why should you come down?
come up." "No," he said. "Is someone there?" "Yes. I'll buzz when
He walked back to say this, to
pressed
it's
just
I'll
time for you to come up."
into the living room. "I don't
know how
but someone's coming and you're going
have
to
go." "It's all right," Leila said. "I
She took her
He buzzed
coat, kissed
understand."
him on the cheek, and
left.
downstairs and a minute later Eve walked
"I didn't plan to
come. Look what
I
wore. This old dress."
"Well, here you are," he said, thinking, This
23
in.
woman
is
not
JOE FRANK to be trusted. She's unstable.
She drinks too much. She shows up at
my apartment uninvited. What will happen if something goes wrong and the relationship turns sour? What will she do? Will she arrive at work drunk and embarrass me? He was flashing on horrible scenes of her storming into his office and demanding that he leave his wife. Or calling him late at night and hanging up whenever Kathy answered. Or mailing him angry postcards and threatening letters. Or waiting in the lobby of his building and, while he walked out with Kathy one day, rushing up and saying,
"Look, we have
now." Kathy would
to settle this right
look at him thinking, What the hell is going on here? &w\ he would
be trapped between the two of them with
a lot of explaining
thrilled she had come over. why I'm upset?" "Because I came without calling." At least she understood. They sat down and began
to do.
But he was secretly
"Do you
realize
dis-
cussing the job offer in Chicago. If she accepted, her relationship with Gardner was finished. start in
two weeks. She had
to let
was panic-stricken. Then she
The bank wanted
her to
them know tomorrow. She
said there
was another reason
she didn't want to go to Chicago. "Is there another
man
there?"
"Not exactly ..." She faltered. "Never mind. Let's forget about it. Let's put it behind us. Let's take the night and make the most of it." They had a drink, went into the bedroom, and again, while they made love, she asked him repeatedly, "Tell me what you want. Tell
me what
to
do."
24
TELL ME WHAT TO DO They
The
asleep at dawn. At eight o'clock he got up.
fell
sun was coming through the blinds, yellow and soft and dream-
She looked beautiful, like a sleeping child. He had get to work early and he was not going to leave her alone like.
He
the apartment.
respond.
He
her again.
tried to rouse her gently
eight-thirty. Finally,
in
but she didn't
took a shower, got dressed, and tried
was
It
to
wake
to
he shook her and
said,
"Come
on. Get up." She gave him a friendly but
"I'm
sorry,
we have
but
"Let
dirty look.
me
sleep."
to go."
She got dressed. He opened the door and checked the hall to make sure it was empty. She stood there half asleep in her raincoat, glasses,
"This time
and
hat.
want you
I
He
to turn right,
enue, walk downtown, and
He out.
gave her instructions. to
Lexington Av-
closed the door behind her. Five minutes It
was
a chilly spring
morning.
burned-out, no-sleep feeling.
He
town, and didn't see her. Oh, God, the
go
pick you up in a taxi."
I'll
He
later,
he went
had that wasted,
hailed a cab, rode the stupid bitch.
down-
She turned
wrong way. The cab drove around and around, but he
couldn't find her.
At noon, he
left
work and walked
from Gardner's apartment.
to a restaurant
He knew
and was staying there while Gardner was dialed her
deep
number from
voice, in a
machine. For a
"I'm
at the
a
two blocks
she had called
in sick
Bangkok.
in
He
pay phone and heard Gardner's
heavy South African accent, on the answering
moment he was
Coffee Bar.
I
afraid to speak.
Then he
said,
missed you. Where were you?"
hung up and walked back
to the office.
25
Now
He
she had two
JOE FRANK strikes against her
either screwing
Around two
come
in to
— showing up
up
house uninvited and
or deliberately not meeting him.
in the afternoon,
work.
at his
They went
he was surprised
to see
her
through the same charade of
When she walked by him "Come into my office," and
the end
acting like colleagues.
at
of the day he said,
closed the
door behind her.
"What happened?" "This morning?" "Yes, this morning."
She inhaled on her cigarette. "I was so annoyed at you for me up and telling me where to go, I decided to walk the other way." She laughed. He liked her spirit and asked her out for a drink.
waking
They went
to a
deserted bar around the corner.
He
sat
with
her by the window. There was a jukebox and a small dance floor.
began
When to
a ballad
came
on, they rose from the table and
dance. She was so
they were imbued with light
"Do you know what go out and have a clubs, listen to
"Good.
light, so graceful.
in the
I'd like to
real date
He
felt as if
empty room.
do?" she
tomorrow
said. "I'd like to
night, hit
some
bars
and
music."
take care of everything."
I'll
He wondered if after all. He phoned
Friday morning she called in sick again.
she had decided to take the Chicago job
up the entire evening. home, there was no answer.
restaurants and jazz clubs and lined
But when he
He went
tried to reach her at
back
to his
apartment and spent the night watching
television.
26
TELL ME WHAT TO DO Saturday morning, the day before Kathy and Gardner were
due back, he phoned her you
She picked up.
again.
"What happened? Why
After a long silence he asked,
didn't
call?"
you
"I tried
at
work, but you were out for lunch. So
I
got
told
me
busy with something else."
He
make
you'd
"Remember when you
angrier and angrier.
felt
a
good whore?
W'ell,
don't think you would
I
because you're unreliable. Or were you too drunk
we made
a date?
Anyway,
"Don't hang up," she
I'll
said.
it
"Can't
lence. Unless he
wanted
to ruin
we
get through this?"
don't feel like getting
I
He slammed down feeling awful. He had
now."
kitchen
in his
remember
see you sometime."
"Probably," he answered, "but
through
to
the receiver and stood to respect
her ambiva-
what had happened between
them or make it look cheap, he had number again.
to call
her back.
He
dialed
her
"Do you want
"Listen," he said.
to
have breakfast
at
Lemons?" "All right.
He
took a cab to
W hen T
me
But give
fifteen
Lemons and asked
she showed up, they
She had
a
glasses said. "I
He
club soda.
off his sunglasses
want
to
split
had
and looked
and looked
minutes
a
to get
for a table in the back.
an order of eggs Benedict.
Bloody Mary. Then he took
at her,
and she took off her thick
him. "Let's go back to
at
make
dressed."
my
place," he
love to you right now. Will you
come
with me?"
She nodded. "But left clothes in
first
I
have
the drver."
21
to
go back
to
my
house.
I
JOE FRANK "I'll
go with you."
He
had the feeling that
he didn't stay
if
with her, he would never see her again.
He
didn't feel comfortable going into Gardner's apartment
and decided
to wait downstairs in the lobby.
He would
give
her five minutes.
When
the five minutes were up, he hailed a
the back for what
never
come
Finally, she
apartment.
eternity,
muttering,
came
"Women,
those bitches.
out, got in the cab,
They walked
sat in
convinced she would
downstairs and that she was doing another
He began
on him.
seemed an
He
taxi.
number
Damn it."
and they drove
to his
doorman and
into the lobby past the
rode up the elevator. In the corridor, he heard his neighbor's
door being unlocked and realized someone was about out.
He
Eve's face, leaving her alone
would know what
He
to
come
rushed into his apartment and closed the door in the hall.
He assumed
in
she
to do.
heard Eve and his neighbor, Virginia, exchange pleas-
antries
and get on the elevator together. Then
it
occurred to
Eve might not come back. He looked out the window and paced absently in the living room until the doorbell rang. him
that
He
unlocked the door and she stood there, giggling.
It
was
They sat in the living room smoking She had a drink. Then she began to talk about her relationship with Gardner and whether or not she should go two
in the afternoon.
cigarettes.
to
Chicago. Again she said there was a reason she didn't think
she could go.
"What
They
is
it?"
sat in silence listening to
music on the
radio.
Then
she sighed and told him she had been molested by her father. It
happened while she was growing up 28
in
Chicago.
He
had
TELL ME WHAT TO DO begun
to
when
fondle her
she was two or three, and had
Nobody in week he would come
continued until she was eleven.
At
least three times a
what fathers and daughters
at night. This is
He on
first
time she had told
their nights together,
girl
trying to please him.
make
it.
He
found
to
but that
to tell,
it
it
like a little
exciting and
wanted
to
love to her again.
Miami. She never saw her father
was
bedroom
As she spoke he flashed
and how much she was
Finally she had told her mother.
didn't
into her
do, she thought.
had the feeling her story was hard
was not the
the family knew.
want
still
to return to
The two of them moved again. And the reason she
Chicago was that she knew her father
there and she was afraid of what might happen
met. She was terrified she might
start
if
they
with him again and
never be able to stop.
They undressed and
got into bed, and as they
made
love
he encouraged the father-daughter feeling by the way he held her,
cuddled with
her,
and
told her
what
to do.
He knew
her
father had given her lots of instructions, too.
On Sunday
he went
relieved to see her. to the
apartment.
and had washed
to pick
up Kathy
at
the airport.
He was
She looked wonderful. They drove back had changed the sheets and pillowcases
He
his clothes,
but he could
still
smell Eve's
perfume and wondered if Kathy could smell it, too. That night they made love more passionately than they had for years. During the next month their love life improved. "I should go away more often," she said.
He saw Eve another bar.
at
work on Monday. That night they went to their glasses and smok-
They were both wearing 29
JOE FRANK ing cigarettes. Gardner was back in town and wanted to see her,
and soon he would have
to
go back
to Kathy.
He
felt that
over" feeling. We had our fling, and now ifs ended.
tragic "it's
They
talked about running away and the beautiful places they
could
visit.
account.
"We'll take your credit card.
And
She took
I'll
clean out
my bank
then," he said, "we'll go right to the airport."
off her glasses and he took off his sunglasses
they looked
at
each other eye-to-eye.
"Do you want
something slow.
nodded. They stood up each other
tightly,
He
at her.
in the
and he
to
The jukebox
and
played
dance?" he asked. She
middle of the room and held
felt exhilaration,
sadness, and loss.
"Do you realize we had a whole love affair in one week? We met, we made love, we fought, we parted, we made up, and now it's over and we did the whole thing looked
in six
days."
They
left
the bar.
He
hailed a taxi and shook her hand.
As
she stepped into the cab, he caught the scent of her perfume.
Before she drove
off,
Miami. She was
still
she said she and Gardner were going to trying to
stall
Chicago. Ever since Gardner had
the Citibank people in
come
back, he had been
nicer to her.
"Be sure and
He
let
me know what
didn't hear from her for a
writing her
name over and
happens," he
said.
week and found himself
over again on scraps of paper.
He
took out the folder that contained her original application and studied her resume and the forms she had little-girl's
handwriting, simple and shaky.
filled
He
out in her
thought of how,
Now
when he had
first
he was
with her and couldn't stop smelling her perfume
in love
seen her, she meant nothing
30
to
him.
TELL ME WHAT TO DO and dreaming about her eyes and her body and her hands.
But he
tried to
A week lifted the
ner asked
put her behind him.
later,
she called the
me
to
the
closed the door,
marry him."
knew the reason you came to New York, known everything about you." later, she came by to clean out her desk. He her into his office. They sat down and she told him about night Gardner proposed. They had gone out to celebrate,
same way A few days
led
He
phone, and heard her husky cigarette voice. "Gard-
"I knew it." "How?" "The same way
the
office.
I
I've
and he had gotten drunker than she had ever seen him before.
When
they got back to the apartment
lift
him out of the cab and
and
tears filled her eyes.
"Gardner
is
like
carry
him
She was
it
took two doormen to
upstairs.
Her voice broke
terrified.
your father."
She nodded.
They
took off their glasses, looked
both on the verge of crying
when he
at
each other, and were
said,
"Get out of here.
Come
on.
Don't
kiss
Hurry up. Leave me. Just go, fast."
might
say,
Get out of here\ you maniac, you knucklehead.
She stood up. He held her
this office.
Don't say anything.
He
smiling, the
in
said
it,
way you
an awkward embrace.
Then
she was gone.
He
spoke
she called to
to
her one more time the following
tell
Citibank after
him Gardner wanted her
all.
They were
together.
31
going to
week when
to take the job at
move
to
Chicago
JOE FRANK
One evening when he
returned from a business
trip,
he
found the apartment stripped. All the furniture was gone except for the bed, the TV, and the dinette
he saw
a hand-written note
set.
On
the counter
from Kathy. She wrote that during
the last few years she had grown increasingly lonely. Three
months ago during the conference in Minneapolis, she had met a wonderful man. She had never felt like this before with anyone and could never forgive herself if she didn't take this chance at happiness. "You really can't blame me," she added. "After
me
any more
you won't have
all,
Hope you had
lies.
sneak around telling
to
as
much fun
had
in
He went
to
as
I
Minneapolis."
He
spent the next few weeks feeling numb.
work and came home to the bare cell of his apartment. Kathy refused to speak to him except through her lawyer. It
his
was Monday evening.
phone buzzed. The
Lean." In
her,
He
to leave
work when
receptionist said, "It's a Mrs.
Eve
left for
Mc-
Chicago,
"Okay, from now on, you're Mrs. McLean."
waited a moment, then
racing.
about
their last conversation before
he had told
He
He was
realized
lifted the receiver.
he had been waiting
His heart was
for this call
for
months.
"Do you know who this is?" she asked. He wondered if he should pretend he didn't to tell
him.
"Of course
I
do."
"Are you happy
I
called?"
"I'm delighted." 32
and force her
TELL ME WHAT TO DO He
said
it
in a flat
tone because he didn't want her to
whether he was being
polite or sincere.
how much he was moved by
reveal "I'll
be
in
New
York
for a
He
know
couldn't bear to
the sound of her voice.
convention the day after tomor-
row," she said. "Would you like to get together?"
He
suggested breakfast or lunch rather than ask about meet-
She
ing at night.
said she
would be
flying in at 7:00 p.m.
Wednesday evening, would be in meetings all day Thursday, and was scheduled to go on to Miami Thursday night. "I tried you at the office earlier in the week," she added, "but I couldn't get through." It occurred to him that she was a habitual liar. He remembered how she always waited a beat before answering his questions, as if she were trying to come up with a plausible answer. But he also knew those pauses were often caused by her smoking. They decided she would call
him when she got
was looking forward
in
on Wednesday
to seeing
night.
She
said she
him, but neither spoke of what
might happen when they met.
Her
call
absence.
remember ning
it
had come just
He
as
he was getting used
had even begun
the
to think
week they spent
to correct the
had made and changing what had happened
He
to
together, running and rerun-
through his mind, trying
pealing fantasies.
to Kathy's
about Eve again,
mistakes he
to suit
more ap-
should have been rougher, tied her up,
taken his time, teased her more. Again he was haunted by
doubts and second thoughts and the vague suspicion that she
had used him love to her
to
all
make Gardner jealous. But
night and doing
all
the idea of
making
the things he imagined in
He knew
his
daydreams overwhelmed him.
for
him. Meeting her again would just deepen his frustration,
33
she wasn't good
JOE FRANK and he took perverse
satisfaction in
knowing
it
would probably
end badly.
He
also tried to reconcile himself to the possibility of their
just talking in the hotel bar, because their time together thinking about to
make
love to her.
he didn't want
to
spend
whether he would be able
Going through the motions of trying
would be too degrading. And he was afraid that was exactly what would happen. He tried to reassure himto get laid
"Maybe
self.
make
we'll
love.
Maybe we
won't.
It
doesn't
That's not really important." But the words rang
matter.
hollow.
Wednesday "I'm
at
night,
around eight,
his
phone
the hotel," she said. She sounded tense.
"Don't be scared. Everything's going just
come
"Yes,
I
rang.
to
be okay. Did you
in?"
took a cab from the airport."
"Get yourself
together.
Unpack. Relax. Call
me when
you're ready."
"Where do you want
to
meet?"
"At the hotel," he said. "In the lobby."
As soon
they hung up he was sure she would
as
and cancel, so he decided to catch a cab and
call
back
phone her from
the hotel lobby. Don't go there thinking about going to bed, he told himself
When floor,
give
on the
ride
downtown.
he arrived he thought of taking the elevator
knocking on her door, and walking
him an advantage. But he decided
stairs instead.
34
right in. It
to call her
to her
would
from down-
TELL ME WHAT TO DO "Hi. I'm in the lobby.
She didn't seem
He walked
A female pianist,
wait for you in the bar."
I'll
surprised. She
into the
dimly
bartender in a
bow
wearing a tuxedo,
lit
tie
Vd come,
knew
The room was
bar.
and
he thought. crowded.
a vest served drinks.
his face pale,
and
The
his features finely
chiseled, looked like an aging chorus boy. People sat on stools
around the baby grand singing show tunes.
He
sat
down
at
an empty table in the corner and waited for
Eve. As the minutes passed, he grew more and more nervous.
He
and naked.
stupid,
felt lonely,
wondered. "What good can come the
moment seemed
of promise.
full
"Why am
I
here?" he
of it?" At the same time,
He
looked around the
room and wondered if there were other people there who felt the way he did. An attractive woman sat alone at a nearby table
and he thought of going
to the hotel
phone, calling Eve,
and saying, "I'm leaving, don't come down," then rushing back
to
He
During her
By
light.
He
it
to
he had been
himself, ting laid?
was
to
she would care to join him.
evening around Eve's drinking.
two drinks, he would keep the conversation
first
would take two more drinks
thought of
would have as
if
to plan the
the third drink, he would suggest going back to her
Then
room. bed.
woman
ask the
decided
it
her into
which he
pace himself and realized he was using her just afraid she
Why am
Maybe
I here?
had been using him. Again he asked
What do I want?
Is this just
about
get-
the reason he wanted to go to bed with her
break through the nonsense,
cal intimacy.
to get
as a long-distance race in
They were both
to find
her through physi-
troubled, lonely, insecure.
35
They
JOE FRANK were
also spoiled children
who wanted
how naughty
to see
and fucked up they could be. But there was something poignant, he thought, about two people caught in a cycle of selfdestruction.
It
Finally, she
sounded
came
tragic
and romantic.
into the bar.
She was wearing
a
white
blouse, a paisley scarf, a gray business skirt, and a blue blazer.
Her
hair
was pulled back and she had put on her
had brought in
with him, too, but
it
glasses.
He
was so dark
the bar he had decided not to wear them. She looked tired.
He all
his sunglasses
tried to pull a chair
right."
up
Her tone was
"Relax," she
for her.
patronizing.
It
said. "It's
made him
feel that
she had already seized the advantage.
He
asked how she was doing. She said she was miserable.
She hated her job, the marriage wasn't working, they had no friends, and all they did was drink and fight and make love. She was ready to end it. "I'm not in love with him," she said. Every morning, she had to get up and fix breakfast, drive Gardner to his office, then drive to her own job on the other side of town. At work, she had almost nothing to do. "I've
been given enough rope
to
hang myself," she
evening she would meet Gardner
in a bar
said.
In the
and they would
come home, and continue to drink until a fight or made love. Later, she would be unable to sleep. Then it would be morning and the same thing would begin again. And why did he need all that pornography? She tried to please him in every way. They made love all the time. What was wrong with him? drink, go to dinner,
Gardner passed out or they had
She was drawn
to
him because of the money, the apartment,
the clothes, the restaurants, the travel.
But she was going
to
car,
draw the 36
and the opportunity line.
to
On Thursday Gard-
TELL ME WHAT TO DO ner was supposed to meet her in Miami. If he didn't show up
she would get a divorce.
She had already had an A man picked her up
ago.
She
night in her room.
told
affair in
San Francisco two months
in the hotel bar
him she
didn't
and they spent the
want
to get involved
with anyone because she was having problems with her hus-
band, and they both laughed
at
the irony of
it,
the paradox
of not wanting to have an affair because your marriage was in trouble. call
her,
When
she came back to Chicago the
man began
to
but she didn't want to have anything to do with
him. She thought Gardner suspected something, but she was sure he had
been unfaithful,
too.
They were both
ing they didn't care about the other's infidelities, but
pretendit
wasn't
working.
Then
she told him about her
visit to a psychiatrist.
The
doctor said she had a drinking problem. "But what do you
think?" he had asked. "I don't think that's true," she
lem
is
Gardner. If
I
had
said. "I
think the prob-
can solve things with Gardner,
I
can take
care of the drinking."
As he listened
to
her story, he had a strong feeling the
reverse was true. But he didn't if
want
to talk
about
it
because
they discussed her drinking he would never get her into
bed.
He
hated the fact that he was trying to take advantage
of her for his
own
purposes.
she said, and didn't know whether made it for herself. She had pursued Gardner that when he finally proposed, she had to accept.
She was caught
in a trap,
or not she had for so long
—
She had gotten everything she wanted and she was miserwas funny, she said, and he admired her for being
able. It
37
JOE FRANK able to laugh at herself.
words seeming
He
watched her continue
to blur together,
to talk,
her
and thought of how much she
looked like both an innocent child and
a worldly-wise, over-
drunk, and overfucked woman.
Then tell
how he was
she asked
doing.
He was
her about his job and his wife, but he
really care. It
supposed
knew she
to
didn't
was just intermission. Their conversations always
centered on her.
The
time they met they had discussed
first
her relationship with Gardner, where she was going to stay
and how she was in crisis but was bearing up beautifully. Now the same thing was happening again. He wondered if her whole life was like this. after she left him,
He
ran
desertion.
down Then
eyes, and asked thing,
own
his
feeble story
— leaving out
Kathy's
she leaned forward, looked soulfully into his
him
he thought.
to sit
He
next to her. She 's controlling the whole
got up, sat
down
beside her, and she
held his hand in both of hers like a dear friend.
She was on her fourth
drink,
they were nowhere near going
one drink past the plan, and
to
her room.
feeling as he listened to her repeat the
and she were
lonely.
They
He
had
a sinking
same themes: Gardner
drank, they fought, they fucked.
She realized how self-destructive it was and wanted to get away but didn't know how. Then she added there was another reason she story of
felt sick
how
about being
in
Chicago and repeated the
her father had molested her, and he
felt as if a
cloud were descending over him.
"What She
exactly did he do?" he asked.
told
him he had penetrated her with
had forced her it.
She
to
masturbate him.
He asked
said she hadn't really understood
38
if
his fingers
and
she had enjoyed
what was going on
TELL ME WHAT TO DO and thought
it
was something fathers and daughters
know
it
was so weird," she
didn't
did. "I
said.
"Did you ever have an orgasm?" "Yes."
"How old were you?" "Around ten." Three hours had passed. She was on her fifth drink. He wondered if, years later, she would tell him the story a third time. Then he decided it was time to act. He asked for the check. She offered to pay. "No," he said. She seemed reluctant to go back to her room, but he managed
to
shepherd her into the
through her door.
No
elevator,
down
the corridor, and
sooner had he closed
it
behind them
than he walked to the phone and ordered four more drinks.
Then he opened
the
window and looked down over
filthy
rooftops and a thin stream of traffic heading up Sixth Avenue.
The
air
was heavy with humidity and he heard distant
thunder.
She asked about Kathy. For a moment he wondered whether to tell
her what had happened, then described
returned
home
to find Kathy's note
and the stripped apart-
ment. Right away he knew he had made
a mistake.
Kathy had abandoned him, he looked weak.
want him anymore, why should Eve? thing in her eyes, as
made him want
The
if
how he had
He
If
Now
that
Kathy didn't
could sense some-
she were seeing him
in a
new
light. It
to hurt her.
drinks arrived. This time he
was losing patience.
When
where she was lounging
the waiter
in a chair
39
let
her pay because he
left,
he walked over
by the bed, took her
to
in his
JOE FRANK arms, and began to kiss her. She yielded, melting into his arms, then pulled away. "Look," she said. "I don't think
my
can do this tonight. I'm having "I don't give a
give
me
we
period."
damn about your
period," he said. "Don't
that period crap. That's the stupidest excuse I've ever
heard."
He bed.
grabbed her again, kissed
He
lay
down on
her,
and carried her
to the
top of her and put his knee between
He
her legs. She didn't move. eyes, and kissed her face.
pulled back, gazed into her
She looked
tired
and scared. "Please
stop," she whispered.
"You'd sooner fuck
a stranger than
fuck me," he
he remembered the cab ride and how he had
He
himself for this possibility.
asked her
said.
Then
tried to prepare
to hold
him, just
hold him, and she put her arms around him and stroked him gently.
Then he
into the
When
three.
to
wash
up
—
fully clothed
or
He knew
morning and
left
the room.
He
rode
and angry.
odor of her perfume and it
down
she had
was well past
it
the elevator feeling
He seemed
tried to
brush
to it
be drowning
off his clothes
away from him. Then he walked down the lobby
and through the revolving door. Outside,
A
making believe she
kissed her on the forehead, whispered, "Good-
small, feeble, cynical,
and wave
—
under the covers.
at eight o'clock in the
He
bye," and
in the
was soaked with sweat and went
off.
he came out, she was asleep
was asleep to get
realized he
bathroom
a
storm had broken.
few people were huddled under the canopy. The doorman
was standing
down
in the street
holding an umbrella, trying to
flag
cabs.
There was
a
subway stop
a
few blocks away and he decided 40
TELL ME WHAT TO DO to
run for
it.
He
took a deep breath and plunged into the
Three blocks away, gasping, he stopped under the marquee of an X-rated movie house. His clothes were drenched. He watched the rain slanting in the wind. Traffic street.
moved
slowly along the avenue and he heard the distant siren
of an ambulance.
ducked
He
thought: / do not want
into the theater.
41
to
go home and
Fat Man
A
aron
sleep as long as possible.
tries to
When
he feels him-
self rousing, the sunlight flush against the closed blinds,
wraps
his pillow
around
his ears
and
lifts
he
the blanket over his
head, leaving a small opening for his mouth and nose, like a
He
cowl.
doesn't want to
wake up because
the hours between
eight and ten are the hardest to get through, the streets below crowded with people going off to work while he has nothing to do,
nothing to look forward
them by ing.
to.
So
if
he can get through
sleeping, he can curb the panic he feels every morn-
He
won't go
to the
bathroom because he knows
does he may never get back
wake up,
it's
to sleep,
and when he
finally
if
he
does
with a sense of sadness that he has to face an-
other day.
Then comes
the period of lying in bed holding the remote
43
JOE FRANK
He
control watching television.
game shows,
other, past
flicks
from one station
to an-
cartoons, reruns of popular old pro-
grams, and local interviews. While he watches, he forgets
himself
—
it's
almost like sleeping again
— and
he imagines
unemployed and the aged looking at television to stop thinking. But for him it doesn't hold. His mind is too active. So he gets up and begins pacing from one end of his apartment to the other. By now it might be eleven-thirty in the morning and, to pass the time, he'll go into the kitchen millions of the
and cook himself an omelet with bacon, muffins, orange juice, and fresh coffee.
fried potatoes, corn
He may
not even be
hungry, but he wants to give himself something to do, to keep busy, to
fill
at least
another thirty or forty minutes. Or some-
times he'll walk to a luncheonette near his apartment wearing his
dark sunglasses, ratty overcoat, running shoes, and baseball
cap. He'll as far
buy
a
paper
at
the counter, order a meal, and
away from other people
When
as possible, reading
Aaron was younger, he looked
other people going
at
about their business and thought, You poor slobs. You to
do something,
to get
and where
somewhere,
else
will stab you in the back. You re racing to
you can rush out and spend
any of
that.
the street
I'm a free
spirit.
it.
some
direction,
make enough money
don't have to worry about
it
as
his attitude
if it's
human comedy on my own little movie.
changed.
lonely and envious because everyone else ing in
and someone
I can observe the
and just float through
But over the years,
And I
re rushing
are you going? You re
hurrying to work where you' 11 have to kiss someone's ass
so
sit
and eating.
making an
effort,
in the mornings dressed in business
44
He began
seemed
to
to feel
be mov-
and now he sees them
suits,
carrying briefcases,
FAT subway
filing into
like a
stations
MAN
and looking
and he
for taxis,
feels
person from another planet.
He went to a small college in Iowa. It was in the sixties. He didn't take part in the marches and sit-ins, but still saw himself as a rebel. In his freshman year,
Thanksgiving.
The
car
It
was
a
he drove back
long
trip,
Manhattan on
more than fourteen hours. first stop was a
was packed with students. Their
service area just outside Cleveland.
Howard Johnson's
of a
to
more than
They
kinds of ice cream. Aaron, to the
fifty
counter
sat at the
restaurant looking at a sign that listed
amusement
of his friends, asked for even more exotic flavors. "Could please have a broccoli-mint-apple-pie-cobbler? No, wait.
I
think
orange-sunburst-chicken-nut-fudge crunch.
I'd prefer the
I
Or
perhaps the pistachio-fried-egg-okra delight with dehydrated applesauce topping and stewed lungs?" started as an accident.
It
There was
a stack
of brownies on
the counter wrapped in cellophane. Aaron took one and meant to
pay for
it,
but realized on his way back
to the car that
had forgotten. Rather than go back, he unfolded the
phane and brownies
rowed
a
ate
At the next service
it
and passed
area,
he
stole
girls,
held
it
in his lap at the
with a dozen brownies from the display plat-
it
back
to her. Finally, just outside
he emptied an entire platter of brownies into
The
two more
with his friends. At the third stop, he bor-
purse from one of the
counter, filled ter,
it.
to share
he
cello-
New York,
his
restaurants were so busy that no one noticed.
drove, he and his classmates
munched on
45
bookbag.
As they
the chocolate. But
JOE FRANK they could only eat so
many and he soon found himself with
a surplus.
By the time he got back to college, Aaron had accumulated so many brownies he thought he'd build something out of them. But he didn't know what. All he knew was that he needed more. So whenever he drove home for vacations, he stopped at every Howard Johnson's coming and going to steal as many brownies as he could, and over a period of a year he amassed two steamer trunks
and
but they didn't
stale,
way they
money
stack
rot.
full.
The
brownies got hard
He banded them
together, the
bank-heist movies. Eventually, his
in
brownie collection became famous. Students from
campus came fall,
to look at
His only problem was
it.
the brownies began to stink up his room.
was
stale chocolate
in his clothes,
his shoes,
couldn't stand the smell and decided to get
he didn't want
throw them out.
to just
something whimsical and
campus legend.
Finally,
rid
all
over the
that,
by next
The
odor of
He
his hair.
of them. But
He wanted
to
do
original, to feed his reputation as a
he came up with an idea: He'd return
them.
That Thanksgiving vacation he placed one of the trunks in his car and set out on the journey home with a new sense of mission. Now every time he stopped at a Howard Johnson's,
he would
fill
the pockets of his shirt, overcoat, and pants
with brownies, walk
sipped a Coke, furtively stale
brownies
him. Soon
all
all
at
the counter, and, while he
his pockets,
to those displayed
on the
adding
his
own
platters in front of
knew of his project. He was the They thought it was a great idea, and they
the students
talk of the college.
were
down empty
in, sit
behind him. 46
MAN
FAT
Both Thanksgiving and Christmas went well. to return
one and
stopped
his friends
every service area
at
He managed
trunks of brownies because he and
a half
in
both directions
between Cedar Rapids and New York. Then, during Easter, he arrived at the first Iowa Howard Johnson's rest stop, his with the dry chocolate squares, but the brownie
pockets
filled
platters
were gone.
He
He was
stunned. Were they on to him?
looked around, half expecting
when he noted with
relief that the
candy counter
to the
risky to
add
cashier, so
When
sat
he finished
brownies
down
— Howard
Johnson's-style
counter, paid the check, and
was too
to the stacks in front of the
he polished
his meal,
At the next plaza,
brownies had been moved
counter and ordered dinner.
at the
napkin and, holding the plate ies
be seized by security,
in front of the cash register. It
his stolen
he
to
in his lap,
— on
his plate
with his
stacked his brownit
back on the
helped him.
They argued
it,
put
left.
his friends
heatedly with the cashier, claiming they'd been overcharged, while Aaron reached into the deep pockets of his overcoat,
drew out dozens of
stale
brownies, and placed them on the
shelves over the lollipops, Caramello bars, and maple sugar
people.
By
the summer, he
managed
to return
every brownie
he'd stolen.
And
it
were converted air driers in
them
Howard Johnson's
restaurants
into cafeterias with pay toilets
and cheap
wasn't long before
the bathrooms, and not long after that he saw
closing down. Although he realized
the expanding fast-food industry
—
it
was because of
the McDonald's, Burger
Kings, Pizza Huts, Taco Bells, Kentucky Fried Chicken outlets,
and
all
the rest
— he
felt a
47
bittersweet sense of victory.
JOE FRANK
He knew
he had played
American
his small part in the decline of a great
institution.
A
movie comes on at one in the afternoon and he turns on the TV to see what it is. He won't look in the paper in advance because he doesn't want to know ahead of time that it might be a film he won't
like.
three,
He
wants
be able
as possible that he'll
to
fill
to hold out
hope
and sometimes he watches television
lying in
for as long
the hours between one and
bed with the blinds closed
until the
all
afternoon,
sun goes
down
behind the buildings. If a friend
is
planning to drop by, he takes out his guitar
and amp, plugs them
in,
and covers
yellow pads and a phone book so songs and making
But
calls.
it
if
desk with scribbled
his
looks as
if
he's
been writing
no one's expected and he
doesn't want to watch the one o'clock movie, he goes out for a
walk, unwashed and unshaven, envying the Skid
he passes because they have nothing having
left their careers
might be in the
a relief to
warmth of
a
be
and futures a
to
worry about anymore,
far
behind.
tramp wrapped
subway
Row bums
He
thinks
it
in a blanket, lying
grating, listening to the
sound of
a passing train.
In the evening he likes to get stoned because his sense of
time disappears. it
He
no longer worries about how
through the next few hours, or that
and he's blowing
it
with each minute he
and more people are younger than he journalists, artists, professors, his living
room
the mess.
He
life is
is
lives, or
—
businessmen.
feeling a mild, euphoric buzz.
doesn't worry about putting
48
he'll
make
him by that more
passing
doctors, lawyers,
He can just sit in He doesn't mind things away. He
FAT
MAN
plays his guitar or listens to music and recalls
from the
After he
was
tan. It
amusing things
past.
left college in fall.
Iowa, Aaron
He moved
came back
into a small
Manhat-
to
walk-up apartment
in
the Village and enrolled in a few courses at Columbia. His
mother paid
needed
his tuition
a job.
One
and helped out with expenses. But he
afternoon, he checked the student bulletin
board and saw a listing for a part-time janitor and gardener the Cathedral of St. John the Divine. school,
church,
and outbuildings were spread over
near the campus.
He
its
six acres of land
his
apartment
at
5:00 a.m. wearing
madras jacket, chinos, and white bucks. Carrying
case,
he would ride the subway
Broadway still lit.
in the
to the church.
The
The wind whipped
favorite
and walk from
He his
liked being out early
work
He mopped
clothes, his
There were
most of the rooms, and he tuned them
pop
station,
the sounds of rock
working
his
first
the hallways, vac-
the offices, and emptied the wastebaskets.
radios in
a brief-
was dark, the streetlamps
the trees.
job was to clean the rectory.
He
to 110th Street
city
morning. After changing into
uumed
at
rectory,
applied for the position and was hired.
Each day he would leave his
The
all
to his
way through the building
to
'n' roll.
usually got to the kitchenette around 6:30 a.m., just as
he was growing hungry. While he cleaned up, he'd help himself to a
few cookies,
refrigerator. After a
to
cupcake, or
a
his boss,
doughnut from the Mr. Wilkes, asked
speak with him because people had complained that food
was missing. it,
a
few weeks,
He
denied taking anything and stopped doing
but not right away, so suspicion wouldn't
49
fall
on him.
JOE FRANK
When
he finished
his janitorial tasks,
around 7:00 a.m., he
took his rake and sack, walked out onto the grounds, and while the sun rose and the city came to stuffed
them
into his bag,
he raked leaves,
life,
and burned them
in
the incinerator.
After work, Aaron changed back into his student outfit and
went
campus hangout
to a
called the Brass Rail.
table in the corner, ate breakfast, class. It
was there he met Greta,
a
and studied
tall,
blond
He
took a
until his first
German
waitress.
She often looked pale and wasted after a night of partying. She smoked Camels, wore no makeup, picked her teeth with a toothpick, and drank a lot of coffee. Her hands shook slightly. She told him she'd been on her own for years, ever since her father, a left-wing intellectual, had lost his teaching position in
Hamburg. She and
to classical music,
places they
made
liked to drink Black Russians, listen
talk
love.
She
about the also
men
she dated and the
spoke of becoming an
artist,
but he never saw her paint anything and she never showed
him any of her work. Early one morning, having spent the night in her room near the campus, he said,
do." still
They walked
"Come
with me.
to the church. It
I'll
was
show you what
late fall, cold,
I
and
dark out.
He
led her into the rectory and she helped him
He
felt
very decadent and romantic
clean up.
dent gardener working alongside a crazy church built
in
honor of
—
a
Jewish stu-
German woman
a Christian saint while rock
in a
music
echoed from radios throughout the building. She helped him mop the hallways and they scrubbed the laundry room and cleaned the office of the newsletter.
uuming the
library,
When
he started vac-
she stood behind him gently caressing
the back of his neck with her fingers.
50
Then
she took off
FAT
MAN
her sweater, unfastened the top buttons of her blouse, and kissed him.
He made some
coffee in the kitchenette, walked back to
down on
the library, and she sat
him.
He
his lap
and began
to fondle
kissed her, slipped her blouse from her shoulders,
and removed her oak table
tights
and whispered
in the study,
unbuckled
his belt
and shoes. She
and unzipped
his
lay
down on
him
to fly,
a large
German. He
in
his pants
dropping
He looked down at her, savoring the when the door at the other end of the room opened and an old man in a flowing black robe appeared. Greta continued to moan in German. The priest took one long steady look, turned away, his gown making a swishing sound, in a
heap
at his feet.
sight of her body,
and was gone.
A week said,
later,
Mr. Wilkes
"We checked
there's
him
for stealing food.
He
we know
no other way the food could have disappeared. I'm
afraid you're through." library.
fired
with the night watchman and
So he
No
lost his job.
mention was made of Greta
in the
He
never
Then
Greta
left
town.
found out where she went and never heard from her again.
Sometimes when Aaron's out walking, he wanders
into a
drugstore and browses through magazines, looks at clocks, cassette players, and radios locked behind plate glass, and tries
on different
pairs of sunglasses.
The
sunglasses he
wears he stole from the drugstore on the corner.
on one day, looked continued
to
tag dangling
Once, he
at
himself
wander around the
down over tried
on
He
in the mirror, liked
store wearing
his nose, until
he
put them
them, and
them, the price
finally
walked
a pair of jeans in a dressing
51
now
out.
room, tore
JOE FRANK off the plastic tag that sets off the alarm, put his
on over them, walked
to the front to pick
checked,
salesgirl,
flirted
to a large,
with a
and
own
jeans
up the bags he'd Sometimes he goes
left.
busy luncheonette, orders scrambled eggs, pan-
cakes, bacon, sausages, home-fried potatoes, toast, and coffee, eats his meal, gets a bill for
it,
counter and orders coffee and
moves
to
another seat
a Danish. Then,
at
at
the
the cashier,
he pays the amount on the second check.
One dollars
afternoon, he found a purse in the gutter with
fifty
and credit cards, and he pocketed the money, and sold
the cards to a friend.
ukulele
in a
on
store's logo
it
posted next to the
few weeks,
It
department
happened when he was playing the store. He wore a T-shirt with the
and sang the gift
store's
theme
song.
shop and managed, over
to steal brass
He was
a period of a
paperweights, leather-bound address
books, calendars, pens, and boxes of stationery.
Then, for a while, he had a job raising money for a symphony orchestra. He sat at one of about twenty tables with beige telephones in a fluorescent-lit room and called season ticket holders, subscribers to the monthly magazine, members of the Conductors' Club, and people
who had bought
a gift
from the orchestra catalog.
Once he "This is
is
unable
dialed a
a recording. to speak.
number and heard
Due
a
message on
to a recent operation,
tape.
Miss Higgins
However, she can hear you. So please leave
Then he
someone picked up the phone. Normally, he was supposed to hang up on answering
a
message."
heard a
click as
machines, but he hadn't made a sale for an hour, and he was getting nervous. "Hello, Miss Higgins?" he said. "If you can
hear me, please tap once."
52
FAT
And he
MAN
heard, Click.
"Miss Higgins, I'm calling from the symphony
Did you receive the
City.
once
stein? Please tap
letter
for yes
in
New York
from our president, Mr. Bron-
and twice
for
no."
Click.
"Good.
Do you
approve of the aims of the program?"
Click.
"Wonderful. Mr. Bronstein,
spoke of the many
which people can become involved
ways
in
One,
for
example,
income once about
in his letter,
this
is
a
in the
symphony.
pledge of two percent of your annual
a year for the next three years.
How
do you
feel
guideline?"
Click.
"I'm glad you approve. Would that be
a
pledge you'd feel
comfortable making?" Click, click.
"Then
let's find
something more appropriate.
Is
that
all
right?" Click.
"How would you feel about a pledge of one thousand dollars once
a year?"
Click, click.
"How
about three hundred and
fifty dollars
twice a year?"
Click, click.
"How
about
hundred twice
a
pledge of four hundred dollars annually, two
a year?
A
lot
of people are doing
it
that way."
Click, click.
She
finally
accepted the lowest possible contribution of $50
per year. "I'll
send you
a
formal statement of your pledge tomorrow,"
53
JOE FRANK he
said,
"and thank you
for
your very generous
Have
gift.
a
pleasant evening." Click.
Many of the people he called were old, who would tell him about their accidents, pitalizations.
Some,
break into horrible
would say to
that, as
in the
fits
middle of
of coughing.
much
as
ailing
music lovers
illnesses,
and hos-
a conversation,
When
they wanted
to,
would
they recovered they
they couldn't afford
help the symphony. Besides, they didn't expect to
live
another three years.
He worked in a
from 8:00
to 11:00 p.m. at
$4.50 an hour, sitting
group of middle-aged women, college students, unem-
ployed actors, failed pianists, and people
who claimed
were businessmen, professors, and lawyers who, street people.
sometimes
roll
up
One of them, into his
sat at a
desk pointing
aiming
a pistol.
down
you go
head
in the
his forefinger
Then he would
his co-workers
When
a black
they
one reason
were between engagements. There were
or another,
few
for
also a
man whose eyes would
middle of
and squinting
a
phone
as if
call,
he were
depress his thumb, shooting
one by one.
subway
into a
station,
you enter
a hole in the
damp. Every sound echoes. You feel as if you're in an altered state of consciousness. Time seems to stand still, yet your sense of it is heightened. You look around and see ground.
It's
that people's behavior
Some pace
is
similar to that of animals in cages.
absently up and
or lean against a wall or a
The
down while pillar,
others
sit
on benches
staring blankly into space.
There are tile walls, concrete floors, and an endless succession of columns and girders, lines of platform
is
dimly
lit.
54
FAT
MAN
force stretching in front of you and
down
into the tunnel.
You
can see that the subway stations were originally fine examples of innovative architecture.
Now
they're filthy and defiled. In
the old days, the cars had fans, stuffed wicker seats, and
Now
handles on leather straps. That, too, has changed. seats are cast
the pelvic
from
plastic
and the handles are of metal. And
movement necessary
to
push your way through
turnstile has a peculiarly suggestive feel. After to
remove the
same motion
all, if
a
one were
make everyone go through
turnstile but
the
they passed into the subway, the sight of
as
up to take a strong pelvic thrust another from behind would serve as an apt metaphor strangers queuing
human
the
at
one
for the
condition.
Early morning in the subway
seem
cleaner, the air fresher.
hours
when
a special time.
is
From 4:30
The
stations
to 6:30 a.m. are the
the night and day people cross paths,
when
tired partygoers, musicians, waitresses, janitors, night
the
watch-
men, pimps, and whores meet the early morning shift of workers, domestics, and students who have to travel a long way. Aaron liked standing on the platform and riding the trains at that time, and that's what he misses most when he thinks about his job
He in
an
at
the church.
likes the idea of an artificial
a nuclear holocaust,
ramps,
they
and
railings,
sell
zines,
underground
environment and
that
the sense of living
with long stretches of hallways, multilevel escalators. In
some of
the larger stations,
food, clothes, books, records, newspapers, maga-
and candy. You can buy
travel
city,
might have been built after
anywhere under the
never come out.
55
a token,
go into the subway,
city for years, as long as
you
JOE FRANK
Three years
mother disconnected her phone and swallowed over one hundred Tuinals. When her friend ago, Aaron's
phone just rang and rang. After trying for three hours, Dora walked to her apartment a few blocks away and buzzed the door. She had keys to both locks. After waiting a minute, she took a deep breath and let herself in. She found Aaron's mother barely conscious, lying on the bed. Spread out beside her were bankbooks, financial statements, and a will. "Let me die," she moaned. "I want to die." Dora
called, the
"Well,
Dora
you're going to go, dear, you better go quickly,"
if
said,
"because I'm calling 911."
Ten minutes later, an ambulance arrived and his mother, now unconscious, was taken to the hospital. Aaron was asleep when Dora called. "Your mother is in New York Hospital," she said. "It's an emergency."
Aaron took
a
cab uptown.
A
door of the intensive care unit. they'd
pumped
his mother's
most of the medication. At ing. "She'll
young
He
told
met him
intern
at
the
Aaron that by the time
stomach, she'd already digested
this point,
probably be out for
it
was
a matter of wait-
at least eight to ten
hours,"
said, "so you might as well go home. There's nothing anybody can do." Aaron suspected the doctor had contempt
he
for suicides.
He
He
could see
it
in his eyes, hear
it
in his voice.
also felt implicated, as if the doctor thought that he, in
some way, might be
responsible.
"I'd like to see her," Aaron said.
They walked down a
bed
a corridor to a
in a curtained-off area.
She had
room where she a
tube
down
attached to a ventilator that was breathing for her.
56
lay
on
her throat
Her
throat
FAT
MAN
looked swollen, and her head was bent as
been broken. Electrodes were fastened could see the
lit
pattern of her heartbeat as
nearby screen. There was an IV
on
A
a pole.
small, as
if
her neck had
moved
it
across a
her arm hooked to a bag
in
a hospital
gown and looked oddly
she'd shrunk.
Aaron stared
at
home one week about his dead If
if
her chest and he
tube from a catheter drained urine from her
She was wearing
bladder.
to
her and remembered his
earlier.
father,
She had begun
to
last visit to
weep
as
her
she spoke
but he hadn't been able to comfort her.
he'd seen a stranger crying in the street he would have
responded with more feeling. But he and have that kind of relationship.
They
his
mother didn't
didn't touch, kiss, or
embrace, and the thought of reaching out and holding her
hand
filled
him with dread. He would never
hood memory of her passing him
hugged him
so
warmly
to
to
forget the child-
who
Evelyn, the maid,
her bosom that he experienced a
sense of pleasure, a feeling, for the
first
time, of being loved.
me. Aaron," he whispered. But he doubted she could
"It's
hear him.
He
room and met Dora in the cobblestone courtyard behind the hospital. It was a beautiful evening in midthe
left
October.
They
could see the East River with the lights of
Roosevelt Island reflected in
by having called 911 and he you
sit in a
room and
let
If his
mother had been
of
it
it."
die?
felt
troubled
"How
You couldn't have
But secretly he
felt
can
lived
ambivalent.
so depressed that she'd tried to kill
he knew she was going
and had
He knew Dora
someone
with yourself if you'd done
herself,
it.
tried to reassure her.
to face life all
to
be furious
over again.
57
And
if
she came out
then, of course,
JOE FRANK he'd have to face her
all
over again, too.
had some money and that much of medical
bills.
But
a fine inheritance.
arrangements
if
it
He
knew she
also
could be depleted on
come into make
she died right away, he might
On
the other hand, he would have to
for a funeral.
He would
have
to call a mortuary,
place an obituary in the paper, send out invitations for the service, face to
all
bury her and
this?
of his mother's old friends, and decide where in
what kind of
he wondered. / dont know
plot.
How am
the first thing
I going to handle
about
it.
She remained in a coma for the next few days while he wondered what to do. Should he pretend nothing had happened, or tell his co-workers and his boss at the symphony? It was such a good story. His mother had tried to kill herself. She was in a coma in the hospital. It was an event. Everyone would want to know what had happened. They'd feel sorry for him. Finally, he had to tell, and eventually, as he came to tell one person after another, he began to develop a feeling for the story. For so long, his life had seemed empty, and this event had suddenly given it flavor and zest. He didn't want to
use his mother's pain to get attention, but that was exactly
what he was doing.
He didn't feel like eating and
he couldn't sleep.
It
reminded
and don't him of finals in know what day it is. You're haunted by the sense that you're not doing enough but there's nothing you can do because there's no way in a few days you can ever catch up on a semester's worth of work and you might as well not even bother to try. So he just went numb. He didn't want to think, "Oh, God, I wish she would die," and the only way to prevent college where you
that
was not
to think at
all.
58
lose track of time
— FAT
MAN
Every day he would walk down the hospital
corridors and
look into rooms where bedridden people slept, read magazines,
and gazed
at television.
He would
with flowers.
Some
of the rooms were
filled
pass recovering patients strolling the
hallways arm in arm with
members
of their families, and then
he'd enter the room where his mother lay unconscious.
And now,
for the first time,
mother and she had nothing because she was always held
woman who,
a
forth.
Aaron could
to say.
in the
sit
beside his
a strange feeling
company of
others, as
they
to sing.
Am
Brunnen vor dem
Da
steht ein
Ich
trdumt
Tore,
Lindenbaum:
in seinem Schatten
So manchen
is
was
At La Brasserie two weeks ago,
waited for the soup, she had begun
"What
It
siissen
Traum.
that?" he interrupted, embarrassed by the stares
of people at nearby tables. "
'The Linden Tree' by Schubert."
"What's the translation?"
She looked at
off
and smiled. " 'Down there by the fountain
the gate stands the linden tree.
many
a
sweet dream.'
I
dreamed
in its
shadow
so
"
"That's nice."
"My teacher told me I was her best student. She wanted me to attend the Conservatory. But you know how it was in those days. A woman was supposed to marry and raise children. No one cared about my career. Then met your father I
59
JOE FRANK and that was
my
life
Yes,
that. If I'd
had the chance
to sing professionally,
might have been completely different."
he thought. / wouldn't have been born.
"Maybe I'd be singing at the Metropolitan now," she said. "I've lost some of my technique, but the purity and the sweetness are
still
there."
She sang the second
verse.
lch schnitt in seine
Rinden
So manches Hebe Wort;
Es zog in Freud und Leide Zu ihm mich immer fort. As her voice thought
if
rose,
Aaron began
he remained
in his chair
to
squirm and cringe and
one more second, he might
begin to scream.
From
four to midnight, the nurse on duty was a young
woman from
Switzerland called Helga. She had blue eyes,
ruddy cheeks, and long blond hair wrapped
To Aaron, she looked
like a
imagine meeting her
to
would tie
lie
down on
her up with
in
in a
braided
Teutonic snow goddess.
He
coil.
liked
an empty operating room. She
the table, unwrap her braid, and let
him
it.
After his mother's death, Aaron got a job singing and playing
Upper West Side bar. The room was There were nine wooden tables with candles and
the guitar in a small
dimly
lit.
vases of flowers.
The
kitchen served hamburgers, steaks, two
chicken dishes, and steamed vegetables. At midnight, 60
when
FAT
MAN
Aaron showed up, the cook would be closing down and there
would be only hard-core drinkers left. He would hook his guitar to one input of the speaker and a lavaliere
The
microphone, clipped below
waitresses, sitting at the bar
his collar, to the other.
smoking and drinking with and half-empty
their boyfriends, wouldn't bother to clean up, glasses, greasy plates,
and ashtrays
He would
littered the tables.
full
climb onto
of cigarette butts
still
a raised platform
and
begin to sing, playing to the backs of about
slumped
at
By
the bar.
of late-night drinkers would
Columbia
University.
who had appeared and
fall
to
five or six
people
the middle of his second set a ripple
Then,
come at
in,
mostly students from
around 2:00 a.m., somebody
be listening intently would
over with his glass, overturning his
start to
stool.
Or
a
sway
group
of people would clap and yell and begin to dance, and Aaron
would think they were realized that they were
really getting into his
music
until
he
so drunk they would have done the same thing no matter who was performing. There was also a
bum
in filthy, soot-covered clothes
would stand
in the
who used
few weeks Aaron thought he was bobbing music, but
it
to stop by.
doorway, bobbing his head. For the his
head
He first
to the
turned out to be a nervous condition. Aaron did
have a few fans, two young
would shout, "Rock
'n' roll,
men rock
in their
mid-twenties
'n' roll,"
when he
who
arrived
midnight. They had become his pals ever since he had let them join him on stage for a set one night. There was no air-conditioning and no ventilation and everyone smoked. People smoked cigarettes all night, and the folat
lowing day not only did Aaron's clothes and guitar smell of
smoke, but
his eyes felt seared.
61
JOE FRANK
The
manager, Manuel, was a Chilean with the face of an
old prizefighter.
nose.
He
He had
scar tissue
above one eye and
new
fostering
He
talent.
he began
to turn
gave Aaron free drinks, dinner, and
But
fifteen dollars a night.
broken
a
who was
liked to think of himself as an impresario
as
on Aaron.
time passed and he
lost
Aaron took too long
If
he would come over and say
money, a
break
between
sets,
English,
"What do you want? What do you do? You come in sit, you talk. How can I make money if you don't
here, you
get up and play?"
The
dow. Rats
in the
He
flowers.
for a
One
floors.
and
his guitar
cut back
took the spotlight away
Budweiser sign he put
in the
win-
kitchen began to wander into the dining area,
and roaches and water bugs streamed from holes and
accented
He
bar began to deteriorate.
on the candles and the and used the current
in heavily
night,
Aaron saw
tried to kill
it
a
in
the walls
huge roach crawl out of
with his pick while he was per-
forming. Finally, the bar closed down.
A
few weeks ago, Aaron took
a beautiful fall day.
trees looked as
watched
a
if
The
was
they were on
group of boys and
were wearing Scotch sweaters.
air
The
colors
a
walk
in
Central Park.
fresh, the light clear, fire.
girls
He
sat
on
a
was
bench and
play touch football.
plaids, argyles, woolens,
It
and the
They
and Shetland
were maroon and blue and dark gray and It made him think of new books with fresh print and bindfirst days of new classes and the prelude
shades of tans and reds like the leaves. college, of the smell of
ings that break, of the to winter.
and
forth,
traffic,
When
he got back
washed the
to his
apartment, he paced back
dishes, stared out the
window
at the
turned on the TV, experienced a tightness in his throat
62
MAN
FAT that threatened to
and
him from
One
squeeze
tears
his eyes at
any moment,
breathing.
night he had a dream.
part of the city. Beside
sembled
from
crushing weight on his chest that almost prevented
felt a
It
was dusk.
him was
He was in a deserted
a five-year-old
photograph he'd seen of himself
a
boy who
as a child.
re-
They
were in a working-class neighborhood of low-rent, single-
homes with beat-up wooden porches and untended yards. There were no people, no cars passing, and no lights in the windows of the houses. He had no idea where they were, but there was a route he felt he had to follow. He did not know where it led, but they family
had
squeeze under fences, climb through prickly hedges,
to
make
their
way
across yards littered with rusty old lawn fur-
empty
niture, cut through
and enter
a
playground,
with garbage.
He
its
lots
with weeds and piles of trash,
swings gone and
pretended
it
was
a
its
sandbox
filled
game, that they were
having fun, going on an adventure, and the boy tried not
show
his fear
by playing along with him. But the sun had
gone down and
He
to
it
was getting
cold.
took the boy's hand and they walked to an old-fashioned corner. He lifted the receiver, dialed "0,"
phone booth on the and heard
a recording.
five cents."
It
was
"To place
a call, please deposit
his mother's voice.
At
first
twenty-
he couldn't
it. Then he remembered his mother worked for the phone company recording messages on tape. It occurred to him that if he could get an operator he might be able to reach
believe
her.
He
"This
is
tapped the cradle until he heard operator 473."
63
a
woman
pick up.
JOE FRANK "Hello," he in the if
said.
"My mother works for the phone company He gave her name and asked
recording department."
they could be connected. But the operator had never heard
of her and couldn't find her on the employee roster. She asked
what number he was
"There
isn't a
"I wish
I
He
calling from.
number
looked
he
listed here,"
could help you," she said, "but
you with anyone unless you place
"Look, we're
lost.
We
don't
at
the phone.
said. I
cannot connect
a quarter in the slot."
know how
to get
home.
I
don't
have any change."
"There's nothing more
I
can do."
"Let
me
"My
supervisor isn't here," she answered. "Besides, I'm
speak
to your supervisor!" he said angrily.
acting supervisor."
He remembered when
he and the boy had
Now
had been sunny and warm. smelled like snow.
it
The boy came
and they closed the door
to
first
was getting cold and
they'll
call
555-4327.
be able
He hung
to
It
keep the wind
He
it
out.
"Hang any change. Maybe
doesn't require
said.
help you."
up, dialed the number, and
it
was busy.
He hung
up, waited thirty seconds, and tried again. This time rang.
it
into the booth with him,
"There's one thing you can do," the operator
up and
gone out
it
just
hung up and dialed "0," but no one answered there
either. After listening to the
began jiggling the cradle.
phone
ring for three minutes,
Finally, in frustration
and
rage,
he he
slammed down the phone and the receiver shattered. By now it was dark outside. The streetlamps were broken and there were
still
no
lights in the
64
windows.
He
decided
to
MAN
FAT
look for help in the neighborhood. But the door of the booth
was stuck, and the harder he tried to open it the more it seemed to seal shut. The boy was pleading with him, ''Don't push
this way,
it
began
push
He
to ring.
it
that way,"
when suddenly
the phone
stared at the broken receiver helplessly,
ashamed because he knew he was responsible for everything that had gone wrong and the boy, who was crying, would never forget it. And they huddled in the booth, a raw wind blowing outside, a light snow beginning to fall, the phone ringing and ringing and ringing. feeling inept, frightened, and
When
he was younger, Aaron ate just about everything.
was proud of thirties,
his iron
he drank
stomach. Then,
was
a
when he was
Coke, belched, and
near his heart, as
left breast,
chest. It
a
if a
felt a
He
in his late
pain below his
bubble had burst inside
his
completely unfamiliar feeling. For years he'd
seen ads for Alka-Seltzer, Pepto-Bismol, and Maalox, and had felt
disdain for people
But now,
who had
trouble with their digestion.
times during the day, he takes different
at various
kinds of antacids while continuing to eat
When and
a
he goes
to
McDonald's
he'll
have
a
at fast-food joints.
Big Mac, large
medium Coke. At Kentucky Fried Chicken,
fries,
three pieces
of extra crispy chicken, coleslaw, and a Coke. At Pizza Hut, a small plain pizza
tuna with
on
a
huge
oil, roll.
and
a root beer.
at
Subway, he orders
mayonnaise, green peppers, onions, and olives
Then
he'll
go
to a chocolate-chip-cookie store
and buy for a
Or
a half dozen cookies, or stop at a Dunkin' Donuts doughnut and coffee, or go to a Haagen-Dazs for a cone
or a sundae.
65
JOE FRANK Recently, he's put on so
much weight
that
he gets winded
putting on his clothes and has begun wheezing like an asthmatic. He's afraid to or break
bend over because something might pop
straightening back up, he might see stars, go into
or,
tunnel vision, brown out.
can't back the chair his belly.
those weird
fat
table, the table cuts into
to
state,
and he looks
in a restaurant. Passing
be
a
problem
— but now he takes up the fit
he's sitting in a fast-food
bolted to the floor and he
away from the
guys
ways never used can't
is
He'll catch sight of himself in a mirror, sitting in
unwashed and unshaven
that
side
When
where the furniture
restaurant,
— he'd
when
dinner, his stomach serves as a
tray.
ach in his hands. "Yes,
feel
it
focate
back,
is
now
a
someone. And it
won't be easy
says,
bed eating sil-
"the more you
you can't be reached.
holding his huge stom-
monument to my The mission-
difficult.
problem because he's if,
And he
but slope
can put plates,
stands as a
become
excess." But making love has ary position
layer, so
sits in a chair, I
one
it.
surround yourself with another
He
fall
he's lying in
He
"The more weight you put on," he insulation."
in door-
entire space himself.
outward, resting on his belly, and
It's like
people
one of
just swivel to
into his clothes anymore. His ties don't
verware, and a napkin on
like
afraid he'll suf-
on the other hand, he
for her
because
she'll
have
lies
on
his
to straddle
his giant belly.
A few weeks ago he was caressing a prostitute he'd picked up in a bar. They were fully clothed on the sofa in her apartment when he had an orgasm. As he got up, he saw a red stain on the lap of her white dress and assumed she was having her period. But in the bathroom, his pants and under66
FAT
MAN
pants soaked with blood, he realized
"You know, when led,
I
he
novel
.
says. .
.
I
had come from him. life
I've
shame, disgust. I'm a waste and
"But when
well,
it
think about myself and the
feel self-loathing,
failure," in a
I
I
imagine myself
a
as a character
think I'm pretty interesting, kind of
offbeat, intriguing, entertaining."
67
Night
K
evin c
vacuumed
the pool.
measured out the chlorine. took on a its
clear, bluish
hue.
He brushed down the walls and When he was finished the water He gazed up at the house, with
bay windows, exposed timber, and steeply pitched
Then he looked wiches
at a
over
table
at
under an umbrella.
The
wife,
slim and
dark-haired, wore a loose-fitting sundress and sandals.
husband, balding and overweight, wore sizes too large for him.
leave,
roof.
the middle-aged couple eating sand-
When
a
Her
sweatsuit several
he saw that Kevin was ready
he got up, tightened the drawstring around
to
his waist.
and walked over.
"Thank
you, Kevin. Great job."
and they shook hands. As Kevin drove off in his Land
He
gave Kevin an enve-
lope,
69
Cruiser, he
remembered
JOE FRANK with distaste the time he had removed insects that
had collected
purification
system
ther
seemed
ple he
worked
and
tried to explain the
them, and their faces went blank. Nei-
it
cleaned and maintained. Like so
They many peo-
how the equipment they They knew which buttons to press
they had no idea
for,
really operated.
and what
in the filter
of leaves and
interested in the operation of the pool.
simply wanted
owned
to
bits
dials to turn,
everything they
but without repairmen to rely on,
owned would fall apart and they wouldn't be it. What would happen if a catastrophe
able to do a thing about
destroyed the comfortable world they lived in?
How
would
they survive?
You didn't need pending
disaster.
to
The
be a religious zealot
to believe in
im-
world seemed poised on the edge of
an abyss. Tremors were recorded every week and a major
earthquake had been predicted.
When
spread quickly, fueled by the Santa
burned off the brush on the
and when the
came, the rocks and mud, without roots Pacific
A
to
and had watched
they fires
rains
hold the earth in
few months ago, on the
Coast Highway, Kevin had sped through
falling stones
started
Ana winds. The
hillsides,
place, collapsed in avalanches.
fires
in his
a torrent
of
rearview mirror as a
mountain of rubble rose behind him. Violent Pacific storms were followed by high
surf.
When
the skies cleared, twenty-foot breakers would crash into the
supports of homes, battering them with
oil
drums and
pil-
washed down from the canyons. The salt spray of the surf created a haze that was like a thick fog and the smell of the ocean was so strong it seemed as if you were ings that had
passing along a beach
when you were 70
half a mile inland.
NIGHT Sometimes the odor had the sickening
taint of animal carcasses
that floated to the surface of the water
and rotted along miles
of beaches.
When
the ocean tide rose into creeks and streams, they
backed up and swamped inland
Kevin had
to
wade
areas.
to carry
a recent flood,
buy provisions
waist deep in water to
supermarket, using his surfboard his
During
at a
out groceries, while
neighbors piled into rowboats and motor launches sent to
them from their homes. A crime wave was also in progress. Cars were burglarized for radios and stereo systems. Houses were robbed for computers, TVs, and stereos. Offices were broken into, files and rescue
records taken, fired at cars
the buildings sometimes torched.
from overpasses and
hillsides,
The
cutions occurred almost daily.
Gunmen
and drive-by exe-
police were increasingly
on edge.
One
night, as
saw flashing a
Jaguar
he stood outside
a bar
lights in the distance,
XKE
being chased by
by the highway, Kevin
heard
a siren,
a sheriff's patrol car.
hear rock music blasting from the Jaguar as high speed.
When
it
The car swung back on
headed toward the ocean, and almost went over the last
sweeping
moment, spin.
He
could
approached
the Jaguar swerved into the parking
Kevin leaped onto the porch. at
and watched
it
at
lot,
the road,
a cliff
when,
corrected itself and veered into a long,
Kevin watched
as
it
crashed against a bus
bench and ended up facing south on the northbound shoulder of the road.
The
patrol car pulled
a pistol.
He
up and an
officer
jumped out holding
ran to the driver's side of the Jaguar.
move," he shouted, "or
I'll
blow your head
71
"Don't
off." His partner,
JOE FRANK crouched behind
also holding a revolver,
repeated, "Don't move."
Then
a
phone booth and
both deputies fired a num-
ber of shots from different angles and one of them ran to the patrol
When
car,
got a shotgun, and blew out the rear window.
they lowered their guns and opened the door of the
Jaguar,
the driver spilled out of the
tiny pistol.
More
CHP
and
by an ambulance and a
car,
still
clutching a
sheriff's cars rolled up, followed
engine, and within an hour the
fire
body had been removed, the Jaguar towed away, and you known anything had happened except for the skid marks on the highway and the smashed edge of the bus
wouldn't have
bench.
My
earliest
memory
is
of
a goat running around behind me. I
drank goafs milk because I was a sickly
little girl
and couldn 7 drink
regular milk.
My father owned a above
it.
I wore
my
We lived in two rooms hand-me-downs and kept them in an
religious bookstore.
sister's
orange crate in the corner of our room.
I was pretty much
left
alone. I'd go to
a
Planter's Peanut store
where they gave mefree peanuts. I used to sit in the back of a newsstand where they'd
let
me read comic
books
I'd walk to the park to watch a
if
I was
quiet.
On Saturdays
band play.
home in his Land light when a Chevy
Later the same night, Kevin was driving Cruiser.
He
was slowing down
Nova sped around screeched to a halt
for a red
his left side, at
the
light.
cut in front of him, and
Kevin
tried to stop as fast as
he could without skidding, tapped the Chevy's fender, and
72
NIGHT saw the Chevy's reverse into park
lights flash as the driver
threw
his car
and jumped out.
"You asshole!" he
"You did
yelled.
on purpose!"
that
"Sorry," Kevin said. "It was your fault."
"Fuck you, shithead!"
The
driver's girlfriend
was staring back through the
window. Kevin waved him
The man
off.
ran back to his car,
got a beer bottle from the back seat, and threw
on the
truck. It shattered finger,
jumped
into his car,
Then he
grille.
and sped
off.
rear
it
at
Kevin's
gave Kevin the
Kevin followed him
onto the freeway, threw his truck into low, came up against the at
bumper of
the Chevy, and pushed
seventy miles an hour, the
two hundred yards
it
smoking,
car's tires
its
brake
screaming bright red. Both vehicles careened onto the
lights
grass at the side of the road.
Kevin got
out.
hero?" he shouted.
"Still feel like a
He
turned and walked back to his truck. As he lifted himself into the cab, the driver and his girlfriend
They
wrestled Kevin to the ground, and while the
scratched
him and pulled
smashing
his
Kevin's keys from the Patrol. Five
shone
light
its
his hair, the
Land
ing.
gun and
The
beat him savagely,
Cruiser's ignition and called the
minutes
on Kevin.
He
later a police car pulled
had
later,
told
Kevin
three
sheriff
more
to
up and
a black eye, a cut lip,
long bloody scratches on his cheeks.
moment
man
woman
head repeatedly against the fender. Then he took
Highway
ing a
jumped him from behind.
An
officer
came out
and
hold-
put his hands behind his head.
patrol cars raced
who questioned him
mer Explorer Scoutmaster, but
up with
A
lights flash-
turned out to be his
for-
neither acknowledged the other.
73
JOE FRANK my
/ remember once, when I was riding on the back of bicycle,
I
sisters
me into sticking my foot between the spokes of and my foot twisted around backwards. I got off the
her talk
let
the rear wheel
and dragged myself home. My ankle was bloody. I couldn't put it. But my father wouldn't take me to the hospital. "You
bike
weight on
'
got yourself into
a doctor
He
who
he said,
had a fracture,
My father
six months.
my
'
'
'and you 7/ get out of
lived in the neighborhood saw
realized I
over
this,
was
so he set
my
so angry about
'
it.
me limping in I
leg.
it
was
Finally
'
the street.
a
in
cast for
he broke a yardstick
back.
To pay
for
damages
ends cooking
at
Chevy, Kevin got
to the
When
the Marble Inn.
on week-
a job
he got off work
at
eleven, he sat at the bar, had a few beers, and played darts the back for money. Sometimes a friend would
in
come
with cocaine, and Kevin would walk out to the parking
and snort
Once
lines off a mirror
a folded
A
and people put
was about
their cigarettes out
to leave
hand over
and collapsed.
when
a
man
bottles littered the
on chairs and
his chest, blood trickling
The doorman
tables.
covered the man,
Then Kevin
who now
in the
bumped
into another
parking
lot.
man,
Kevin
between
his fingers,
shouted, "Get some coats," and
lay
rack,
and
sprawled on his back on the
ran out to see
porch or
room
staggered in the front door,
Kevin rushed forward, grabbed coats off the coat
floor.
cover.
rock band played music so loud the inn was shak-
Everyone was drunk. Empty
ing.
matchbook
the inn was rented for a party that went on until
daybreak.
his
through
in lot
if
there was anyone on the
As he came through the door he
his face bruised
with blood.
74
and
his hair
matted
NIGHT "Did
a
guy
just
come
he said
— then
and
ran.
belt.
off.
sticking out from
The man
Kevin watched him dart through the parking
Kevin heard the gun a
pistol
Kevin backed
ran after him. Just before the
under
a
asked. Kevin
"We're closed now,"
steps.
saw the butt of
under the man's
man
here?" the
in
pushed him back down the
parked
ing, carried
it
car,
back
man
clatter to the
Land
lot
and
cut across the highway,
pavement.
looked around to see to his
turned
if
He
found
it
anyone was watch-
Cruiser, and slid
it
under the
seat.
The next day Kevin bought a case of .38 caliber cartridges. He took the pistol to a deserted part of the canyon, lined up a
row of empty cans, and
Later, he hid the
fired at them from about weapon and the cartridges in a
thirty feet. tool
box
in
the garage.
/ ran away again and again. Once I went to Chicago. It was the summer between my junior and senior year in high school. I stayed at the Maryland Hotel on Rush Street and worked as a go-go dancer. I tried to get a job as a waitress and ended up selling bags of pills
on the
street.
Kevin lived with girls,
a surfing
buddy of
his
named Mike. Two
both unmarried with infant children, were staying there.
Mike was involved with one of them, Beryl, and the other, Linda, moved in because she was a friend. Before leaving for work one morning Mike asked Kevin to sell a pound of Panama Red to a customer he expected that day. Kevin hung out at the house and sold it to a student who got busted later that afternoon, and at around midnight, 75
JOE FRANK Kevin, Mike, and the two
girls
were
sitting in the living
room
watching television when suddenly the front door smashed off
its
hinges and
fell flat
gun shouted, "Freeze stormed
in.
— police,"
to sign confessions
with a shot-
to
send them
Then someone
to jail
girls
and
read to Kevin, step
had taken place since he had arrived
house, including the fact that he had sold a pound
of marijuana.
county
A man
and troopers and deputies
by threatening
step, everything that
in the
floor.
In less than twenty minutes they forced the
take away their children.
by
on the
jail
He
pled guilty and spent two months in the
waiting to be sentenced, living in a holding tank
with junkies, thieves, unroll toilet paper
rapists,
and
on people and
a crazy arsonist
set
them on
who would fire as
they
slept.
One of Kevin's cellmates was a tall, wiry man named Jenkins who had been arrested for rape. Six months earlier he and four other men had raped another inmate. The night Kevin arrived, Jenkins
Three days a pillow hit
standing ass,"
he
at
came over and
later, in
him.
the morning,
He
lifted
told
him he had
when Kevin was
a cute ass. still
asleep,
himself groggily and saw Jenkins
the foot of his bed with a leering grin. "Hi, cute-
said.
Kevin stared
at
him, then slowly got up.
That night there was a card game. Kevin was dealing when came up behind him, hooked one arm behind Kev-
Jenkins in's
head
in a half
nelson and, with his other hand, grabbed
Kevin's crotch. "I want to look at that cute ass of yours," he
Kevin drove his elbow into Jenkins's ribs, turned, and punched him. Jenkins fell and Kevin kicked him in the stom-
said.
ach. Jenkins crouched
on the
floor, lifted
76
himself slowly, and
NIGHT was about
down
charge
to
at
Kevin when he saw
the corridor. "I'm going to
kill
a
you," he
guard coming said.
But nothing happened because Kevin made friends with
man
an enormous black
when
Every December,
called Pockets.
the weather turned cold, Pockets would get himself
rested and spend a few
months
had been charged with putting
ar-
This winter, he
in prison.
trash cans in the
middle of
them on fire. Pockets knew everybody in the jail. He had been a trusty so many times he knew where every broom and towel and sheet was stored. So with Pockets who was well over six feet tall and weighed more on Kevin's side, Jenkins stayed than three hundred pounds the street and setting
—
—
away.
One day
Pockets took Kevin aside. "I saw Christ," he
"He was
with tears in his eyes.
money, but
I
know. But
I
know
He
failed
I
stared at Kevin. "Christ will
come
rich. He'll
come
and you don't answer, will
make you
He wanted some
Then he walked around
wouldn't help him.
corner and disappeared.
afflicted.
could have been an angel,
my
said,
I
the
don't
stewardship that night."
He
come as a poor person. He won't And if he asks you a question
afflicted. he'll
look at you and those burning eyes
cry."
/ got a job bartending in a club where they
had a female imperme seventy-five
sonator show. In a few weeks, the manager offered dollars to be the girl
I cut
who played the
my hair and put
had a five
o'clock
charcoal on
only male in the company.
my
cheeks to
make
it
look as
So if
1
shadow. I wore a tuxedo and introduced the drag
queens.
77
JOE FRANK The men in the show arrived in business suits in the
late afternoon.
They went backstage, sat in front of a mirror applying makeup for
two hours, and came out looking They showed
gorgeous.
how
to dance. I
me how
to
like
fashion models. They were
do my
hair,
learned a lot about being a
how
to dress,
woman from
and
watching
them.
A
few months
later,
the charges were dropped. Kevin was
released and got a job at the airport.
two-way
carried a Motorola
He
shift.
drove fuel trucks to
guided planes
When
He
and departure
move
and
areas.
a plane with a tug,
nose wheel and pulling the plane
to the
from small Cessnas
a gray jumpsuit,
aircraft, filled their tanks,
to their parking spots
appropriate location.
wore
and worked the graveyard
there was no pilot, he would
hooking the tug its
radio,
He towed
to
planes in and out of hangars,
to 707s.
The runways were
two-mile-long strips of concrete like
giant four-lane highways.
planes had touched down.
You could see skid marks where
The
grass bordering the
runways
looked lush and green
in the
mornings, but Kevin loved the
airport at night, with
white
lights
its
running along the borders
of the runways, purple lights by the taxiways, and red lights for the turnoffs.
places and fly in,
liked working there. People were going
coming from other parts of the country. They would fly out in a few hours. He felt close to centers
meet, and
He
of power.
When flew
He
in,
a
could see the machinery of business moving.
Lockheed C-5A, the
down
they shut it
suddenly,
up
it lit
the airport.
was about
darkness until
as
it
largest aircraft in the world,
The
plane descended in
a quarter of a
mile out. Then,
was landing, and looked 78
like a space-
NIGHT ship. It slipped
under radar netting so
couldn't photograph
it.
that Soviet satellites
Kevin could see people walking around
the nose area, and they looked like ants. Then, in the dark,
they rolled out an SR-71 Blackbird, the high-altitude supersonic jet. Kevin stared at its
it
mesmerized by
in the distance,
long sleek darkness. Later,
when
C-5A took
the
off,
it
created gale-force winds that rolled outward, buffeting planes
and shaking hangars.
watched
It
as
Kevin
felt a chill
run up
rose very quickly,
disappear into the distance he
it
and
his spine.
The
When
next morning, Kevin tried to enlist they learned he had been
in prison,
But the army would take anyone. and was soon on
his
way
to
He
in the air force.
they rejected him.
attended
Southeast Asia
flight school
to join the
223rd
Reconnaissance Airplane Company, otherwise known as the
Hawkeyes. One evening a famous
stripper
came
to the club.
She was wearing
a fur coat and diamond rings. After the show she gave me a hundreddollar
tip.
The next night she came back, put a bouquet of flowers
my arms, and invited me to come with her for a ride in her Lincoln. We talked for hours. Then she asked me to join her on the road. She'd pay expenses and Td drive, take care of the car and her wardrobe. Her name was Pearl. Ourfirst night on the highway, we drove for twelve hours smoking dope and playing music. Pearl had two dogs a toy poodle and a Brussels griffin who sat on her lap in the back while she read magazines and worked crossword puzzles. with another hundred-dollar bill in
—
—
PearPs next engagement was at the Silver Slipper in Washington,
79
JOE FRANK D.C.
was
It
and a
the fanciest club
Td ever seen.
was a doorman
There
and a live band. Pearl, wearing a luxurious costume, joked and danced and stripped; everyone was laughing and hat-check girl
applauding. She was the
Vd never go
star.
I couldnt believe I was
I knew
fly out,
Kevin
home.
That night Pearl and I became
The weekend drove to
there.
Sonoma
lovers.
before he was scheduled to to say
good-bye
to his
mother.
Then he went
north to see his younger sister Donna.
Donna
lived in a
rundown clapboard house on the main Kevin pulled up to the curb, got out,
street of a small town.
and walked up the front had
to
steps.
The
porch was rotted, and he
be careful where he stepped. As he came
in,
two skinny
dogs chained to opposite sides of the room began
and bark, their
on
Donna
mess," she
The
led
whine
to
wagging. Donna's retarded son, Roy,
on the
a mattress
vision.
tails
floor
under two blankets watching
Kevin into the kitchen. "Sorry
it's
lay
tele-
such a
said.
walls
were chipped and peeling. The
floor
was
tilted
toward the back, where the house was sinking. There was a
Formica table with chrome legs and three
had no cushions.
The
sink had
grocery bag on the floor was
There was
chairs,
unwashed
filled
glasses in
it.
A
with dirty paper plates.
where Kevin could see roof hallway led back to Donna's bed-
a hole in the ceiling
shingles and bits of sky.
A
room, where a dirty sheet hung on a string missing door.
When
two of which
A
radio
was playing Muzak
in place
in the
of the
background.
the song ended, an announcer said, "Nice music for
nice people."
80
NIGHT "Did you see Mom?" Donna asked. "Yeah."
"What did she say?" "Nothing much." "Was there anyone around?" "Not while I was there," Kevin
"but
said,
wasn't there
I
for long."
At
the
end of the two -week engagement, Pearl asked me to come an old burlesque theater on Times Square. When we
with her to
manager was
arrived, the
canceled. Pearl said,
for
three
in
a
fix because the other stripper
"Do you want
to
had
dance?" and I was hired
hundred and fifty dollars a week as a co-star on my first
night in the business.
When I walked out on their flies open, I
stage
and saw men
realized I didn't have the greatest
for me
to take off my
tits
row with they
in the world, they all yelled
gown. I tried to unzip
They began yelling louder, the
in the front
gasped and my bodice slipped down. When
it,
but
it
wouldn't give.
and I just got so pissed off that I grabbed
mike and said, "/ didn't interrupt what you were doing, and I
don't think I threw
it's
down
very nice of you to interrupt the
mike and walked
off.
The owner thought I was the funniest that, I
what I'm
doing. " Then
I got a standing ovation.
woman
he'd ever seen. After
worked four shows a day.
A week
later
Kevin joined
his unit.
They
flew propeller-
driven spotter planes from an airfield so riddled with holes
was called the golf course. Kevin volunteered because no one else wanted go bumping
down
to
do
it.
dawn
it
patrol
Each morning he would
the runway and take
81
for
off, rising
over
a hill
JOE FRANK covered with hundreds of white crosses. Beneath them many
more French It
was
soldiers lay buried.
a beautiful country.
Once Kevin saw
a tiger stretched
out on grass bordering a small, gemlike pool with flowers
and
The mountains were
pads.
lily
There were
jungle.
covered with dense green
rice paddies, sculpted flat steps in the
sides of hills filled with water, gorgeous to see from the sky.
When
the rice was
tall
they were green and you could see the
water sparkling beneath them rice
had been harvested they
above them.
The
in the
sunshine, and
lay bare, mirroring
when
the
everything
blue skies and clouds and sunsets were
reflected in terraced pools of liquid gold stretching
up the
hillsides.
There was
a village
next to the
One morning
air base.
helicopter passed over and a sniper attempted to shoot
The
helicopter turned,
minutes mounted
came back, and
a furious attack.
When
A woman
it
left,
Kevin recognized
a
down.
next twenty the west side
women, and
of the town was in flames. Old men, flooded the base.
for the
it
as the
children
manager
of a small bakery was carried into the hospital, and Kevin
stood there and watched her die.
The Americans had blown
her up and tried to save her, and she had passed away without saying a word.
One
night,
Kevin and another
City, a street of bars
down
and clubs
pilot,
to a brothel called the Circus of
a
They wandered
Love. In a back room,
bed while a young Vietnamese girl leopard-skin bikini gave him a massage. When she
Kevin stretched out on wearing
Dave, drove into Sin
in the village.
a
82
NIGHT was finished, she asked, "Want
You never get anything answer, she lay to his.
like
down and
to
boomboom?
I
pretty good.
me." Without waiting
him
for
to
pressed her tight small body close
Kevin recoiled, pushing her away.
Kevin and Dave walked up
and
to the roof of the brothel
got stoned. In the distance they could see flares, falling slowly
from the sky, bathing the jungle
bombs exploding
in brilliant flashes. It
and the
were
fact there
burned and
killed
though Kevin
A
minute
to their
a
gorgeous display,
piquancy
about
to the
moment,
it.
town was under
Kevin
attack. it,
wondering
Should they put up the canvas top
falling in, or leave
it
down
to
so they could
quickly? Should they hold grenades with the pins
Then
out and carry their weapons with the safeties off?
heard a
and
light,
beings out there being
jeep and squatted under
to get to the base.
keep grenades from
jump out
a certain
tried not to think
later the center of
and Dave ran
how
added
was
human
invisible
yellow
in a ghostly
shrill
whistling sound and saw an old delivery truck
coming down the mid-thirties.
they
road. It looked as if
Two men
in
it
had been built
in the
faded blue pajamas stood on each
running board, blowing whistles
as if to
warn people out of
the way. But there was no one on the street, and the truck
was only going about
five miles
an hour. Dave began laughing
uncontrollably, gasping for breath, tears running
down
his
cheeks. Kevin put his arm around his friend and watched as the old truck approached and finally passed them, a
mound
of dead bodies piled high on the back.
They didn't make it back. About a mile out a The jeep careened out of control and smashed
grenade
Pinned down under heavy
on the road
crossfire,
83
Kevin
lay
hit.
into a wall.
JOE FRANK beside Dave, who, bleeding from
head wound, was trying
a
to peel the unit sticker off a piece of the
A
few minutes
A few most in
later,
weeks before
the world. I
for silicone
Dave my
broken windshield.
died.
birthday, Pearl asked
me what I wanted and she paid
said I wished I had larger breasts
shots.
my bosom was large and beautiful and gave me more confidence. Pearl told me I looked like a goddess. But a few years later I had terrible pain, and my breasts turned black. The doctor had shot me full of industrial silicone. I had two mastectomies and they put in implants. After the treatments,
My first night back on stage I was scared to death, and jewelry hid it all and no one A while later, I left Pearl. By
but body makeup
noticed anything. then,
Vd developed my own foland to take my audience laugh and cry and fall in
lowing. I tried to pick music that told a story
through every emotion. I wanted them to love with me.
Vd tease them, flirt with them,
yell at them, toss gloves
and let them unzip my gown and powder me with those big powder puffs. They really liked me. I had a lot offans for a while. at them,
After being discharged, Kevin drove up to Sonoma. While
he was away
his
mother had written
to tell
him
that
Donna
had stomach cancer that had spread to her liver and intestines. She was staying at home because there was no point in dying in a hospital. It
was almost midnight by the time Kevin got
Donna and Roy were mother.
It
caked and
asleep.
He
sat
to the
house.
on the porch with
his
was the second year of the drought. The earth was dry. Ants, in search of water,
84
swarmed
into people's
NIGHT homes. They formed
to sinks
trails
and
There was
toilets.
nothing you could do to keep them out. "I can't get
Donna
mother
to eat anything," his
said,
"and
all Roy does is sit by her bed watching television with the volume up while she tries to sleep. He's so rude." Kevin went into Donna's room. At first he couldn't tell if she was alive or dead. Her mouth hung open. A stream of ants crawled over her left arm, across her chest, up her neck,
and off
to the corners
of her
lips.
some paper towels from
them, and rushed back
Kevin ran into the kitchen,
the dispenser above the sink, wet
her room. "You've got some ants
to
here," he said softly, and began cleaning her up.
The
to take forever.
ants were
all
over her.
damp paper
much
them with
towels and went after
grabbing and crushing the
They
It
seemed
crawled out
He wiped them away
of her ears, her nose, and her hair. the
tore
with
his fingers,
of them. "I'm sorry I'm so
last
Ma," she mumbled.
trouble for you and
moved down
After Donna's funeral, Kevin
to the
south fork
of the Stanislaus River and lived in the woods by the water.
He had a sleeping bag, a few pans, Every two weeks he would go he would
sit in
in his car
and drive back
a bar, drink
coffee, cooking
oil,
a coffeepot,
into
his clothes.
town and buy food. Then
beer until the bar closed, and get
to the river.
soup,
and
chili,
He
bought tuna, eggs,
cigarettes, a couple of six
packs, and a small bottle of whiskey.
At
first
he borrowed books from the
he did not want
much about into
to read,
anything.
town he would
He
and
library,
lay in the
got so
listen to
still
but soon found
sun without thinking
inside that
when he went
people talking and could not
85
JOE FRANK imagine
why
they were saying the things they were because
there was no sense in that kind of casual conversation.
It felt
strange to even say hello.
He
stayed at his campsite by the river for six months.
he rented
a cabin at the
end of a
dirt road
County
a card table in a bar called the
cards to people
who wanted
admitted they wanted in their eyes.
lost
dealt
He could see it The most popular game
game people who
It
was
a
game
for
regularly lost at poker
would win. But
anyway.
more and more alone. He thought who worked in the sawmills, in the small
As time passed, he about the regulars factories
He
but they did.
all losers.
liked to play since the worst possible hand
they
Then
running
money. They never
was lowball, which was backwards poker. losers, the sort of
a job
Saloon.
Jail
to lose their
to lose,
They were
and got
felt
and the mines. They
sat,
talked, drank, played cards,
and eventually became old bums. Near the end, they lived
A lot of them played lowball When they lost too much money,
on small pensions or on welfare. with their Social Security.
they slept in the streets, and they died without ever doing
much or accomplishing anything. One of them, an old tramp named Hardy, would sit on the curb outside the bar and sing a
hymn: Jesus' blood never failed
me yet
Never failed me yet This one thing I
For he
loves
me
know so
Jesus' blood never failed
86
me yet.
NIGHT Once, I
worked
a
in
theater in the
Midwest that used one
girl
a
and play ed X-ratedfilms Thejanitor also worked as the comic. He'd come on stage and introduce the stripper, the stripper would dance, he'd give her a big exit, tell a few jokes, and announce the week
.
movies coming on. There was a blizzard the week I was
my
couldn t drive to
and the
next gig,
there.
I
other stripper couldn 7 get into
town. So I ended up staying for three weeks. Each week I performed as someone routine,
else.
and my
I changed my name, music.
I was leaving the theater,
and said, 'You know,
my wig, my costume, my dance Near the end of the run, when a man who was a regular came up to me
No
one knew.
you're
a
lot better
than the girl last week.
"
Eventually, Kevin left the club and lived on the streets.
He would
go to a mission
in line for three a
bed
for the night.
with tired, unshaven
mon. Then they
all
fresh pajamas issued
The
at
two
in the
afternoon and stand
make sure he could get dinner and Once inside, he sat in a room crowded
hours to
men and
listened to a forty-minute ser-
ate sandwiches, took showers, put
by church volunteers, and went
on
to bed.
mission was near the waterfront, next to the railroad
tracks,
and the building shook whenever
Lying on
a park
bench one
there was in living.
bered the
pistol
He
felt
it
rumbled
by.
Kevin wondered what point
unhappy
all
the time.
he had stolen after the shooting
Inn and wondered where
be simple
day,
a train
was. If he had
to place the barrel against his
it
at
He rememthe Marble
now,
it
would
forehead and press
Then he asked himself, had he really tried to make things better? The answer was no. He sat bolt upright. What could he do? He needed to talk to someone. He thought the trigger.
87
JOE FRANK of his favorite cousin, Andrea,
who was
studying
She, too, had once had problems.
Fullerton.
and hitchhiked down
walked
to the freeway,
told her
about his sense of emptiness, how
and she
ingless to him,
ment
told
Cal State
at
He
got up,
to see her.
He
seemed meanhim about Luke and the movelife
called Angel.
Andrea was an
initiate.
She had been given
a mantra,
which
another human being. She chanted it to Once promiscuous and heavily into drugs, Andrea had straightened out since joining Angel. She was now back in college. She told Kevin that Luke was a remarkable man who had great insight. He was a teacher, a prophet. Some
she was never
to tell
herself every day.
believed he was the incarnation of the apostle Luke. His lec-
were broadcast on radio
tures
stations
Andrea took Kevin one evening private
They in a
meeting
in a large
home. The people there seemed warm and
smiled and hugged each other. Kevin
room
full
At eight o'clock, they
sat
all
seemed
down on rows
caring.
felt like a misfit
of love. There were people of
children to old-timers, and they
Luke
around the country.
to a
all
ages, from
like a family.
of folding chairs.
entered from a side door, walked across the room, and
sank into
a sofa
the presence of
on
a raised platform.
He
God. Then he asked
began by invoking
first-time visitors to
introduce themselves. Kevin tried to think of what to
his turn
receiver
He When
say.
had never felt comfortable speaking in front of people.
came he stood up and said, "I feel as if I'm a radio but I don't know what I'm tuned to." He was struck
by Luke's dark eyes. "Let's see
if
we
He
felt as if
he were staring into a well.
can tune you in,"
88
Luke
said,
and
it
was
as
NIGHT if
someone had taken hold of the
hair
He
on Kevin's head.
felt a jolt.
At
Kevin was barely able
first,
Luke's lecture. His
to hear
mind slipped away. But when Luke spoke of acceptance, and responsibility
Kevin began
to others,
to listen.
love,
Actions
based on these principles represented the highest path. To
be spiritually
free,
you could not be attached
could love other people, but only in the If
you
spirit
someone through
tried to control
of detachment.
love, if
certain expectations for the other to meet,
You
to anything.
you
set
up
you were not loving
with detachment. ''There
Luke
a thing called consciousness
is
which we
all
share,"
"We
don't invent it individually. Each one of us body of consciousness. Your consciousness is in my consciousness, and mine is in yours. You and I are the same consciousness, the same thing communicating with itis
said.
a cell in the
self.
Consciousness
is
are drops of water in
universe. is
What does
everything. It
that doesn't.
everyone
The that
do?
and we
there
is
all
it is
God
doesn't do anything.
It
piece of
God
remember
is
itself
in
to
it.
We
it is
It is all. It
and the part
you and
that doesn't
God. And
a part of to
belong
a creator, a spirit in the
spark of the soul that
little
learning
is
it
And
both the part that knows
is
the parts of
that all
is
like a river, it.
your job
that they are
me
know
and
itself,
to
help
God. That
is
the purpose of teachers, avatars, and prophets."
When Luke
began discussing magnetic
realms of mind, and the holy
he liked doesn't
it
when Luke
seem meant
said,
for you,
spirit,
"If
it
light, reincarnation,
Kevin
you don't have
89
lost interest.
But
doesn't apply to you, or to accept
it.
You
JOE FRANK should only use what feels way. If
Do
you.
My way may not We love you. We
right.
go find your way.
isn't,
it
be your support
not abdicate your responsibility to yourself and to
others, but operate for the highest concern of everyone as
often as you can."
When Luke
finished, everyone stood
up and began hug-
ging. Andrea took Kevin over to Luke, who shook his hand, embraced him, and said, "You should stop smoking. I see dark spots on your lungs."
had an agent in New York who booked my shows around the But business turned bad. To cut costs, theaters dropped live shows and ran porn films instead. I performed in clubs that were /
country.
filthy,
roach-ridden firetraps
shows, so I
have a
had to
mens room
bar of a club
and
the
his feet
cops
my own
man
into
of them weren' t equippedfor live
lights
me
and sound. One didnt even
carry boards from behind the
a makeshift platform I had to walk through .
and a drunk doing his business turned me and gave me a shower. I remember sitting at
to get there
around to look at the
Many
stage; the bartender helped
bar and pile them the
bring
.
in
next to
Des Moines when I heard a whooshing sound
me slumped forward. The
and pulled him behind the counter. in and started asking questions. I
came
anything.
When
they
left,
bartender grabbed
Ten minutes
later,
two
told them I hadn't seen
the bartender threw the
man's body in
the
alley.
Kevin made an appointment
for a
"mind study,"
meeting with Luke. The study cost one hundred
a personal
dollars.
the day of the meeting, Kevin drove out to Luke's
90
On
home
in
NIGHT He
Malibu.
waiting room until he was ushered into
sat in a
the study.
"You've been
in jail?"
Luke
asked.
Kevin nodded. your
"I see
around your head.
lives like a fan of cards
I
see
your present existence by the structure of your body, the aura
around I
it,
the magnetic field on which your
life is
see your future in the form of a seed. Let
mind and see what you look
eternal
Luke
"We
enter the
like."
folded his hands and stared up at the ceiling.
ask
now
which
for that
forward.
We
keeping
in
be placed
to
ask for
it
later.'
it
of Christ.
We
ask
with perfect love and understanding,
his destiny
to
on
this planet."
Kevin.
"When you were This was
in the spirit
the highest good for Kevin to be brought
is
mind
Luke turned Til do
played, and
me
in school,
you put things
off.
You
said,
You daydreamed and you failed." Kevin had dropped out of high school.
true.
"You say you were
in jail.
Drugs?"
"Yes," Kevin said.
"Your use of drugs
is
damaging
to
your consciousness. You
have nerve damage."
Luke continued. "Your mother was
when
in the tribe of
Aaron during the Exodus
the Jews wandered for forty years in the desert. While
Moses was on the mountain receiving the laws from God,
many began worshipping drunken
orgies.
her iniquity. trial,
She
the golden calf and took part in
participated,
When Moses
and you were the child of
returned, the guilty were put on
and your mother was cast into the desert, where you 91
JOE FRANK were born were
a bastard
spiritually lost
who
did not
know
You became
nomad and
believe
in.
the
you were leading. And your
life
ally
coping with that
Your
own
his
father.
You
because you had no one and nothing a
today
that perspective,
life,
earlier life has left
a warrior
life
you scarred. This
is
to
and loathed a
way of
fin-
that situation.
is
your ancestral
heritage."
Once a bar owner tried
promised
to
pay me
later.
to cheat
me.
He
held
my wardrobe and
I started dating him because I figured,
my money, I'll make him spend his on me." He me clothes and rented me a new convertible, but it didn't make me feel any better because he owed me thousands. Finally, I came to his office and said, "You're going to pay me or else!" He laughed and said, "Oh yeah? You'll get your money when hell "If I can't get
bought
freezes over. "
popped the
So I marched
and drove
clutch,
out, got in the car, it
revved the engine,
right through the plate glass
door of
his club.
Kevin
first
noticed he was losing his sense of smell
he was eighteen.
He
had been smoking cigarettes
People had told him smoking cut down on the but he had not taken
it
seriously. Years passed.
when
for years.
ability to smell,
He would walk
room and someone would remark on the odor of bread in the oven or of garlic drifting out from the kitchen, and Kevin barely noticed. In the last six months he had smelled nothing. A doctor told him there were polyps in his nose. It required an operation to remove them. But Kevin into a
baking
couldn't afford
it.
The
polyps began to block the passages
92
NIGHT that allowed moisture to drain trils.
to
Sometimes
his
wipe them with
night,
when he
from
and into
his eyes
his nos-
eyes would well up and he would have his sleeve.
slept. In the
The
condition worsened at
mornings he would wake up,
his
face covered with tears.
The
building that housed Angel's cultural center was in a
valley north of Santa Barbara. Kevin
when
the group worked
grounds. details to
The
day began
were assigned.
first
visited
on
maintain the house and the
in a
conference room where work
When
Kevin heard there was plastering
He
be done, he volunteered.
spent the rest of the day
and sanding the walls of the
scraping, plastering,
a Saturday,
to
library.
In a few months, Kevin was admitted to the center.
moved It
room he shared with three other men.
into a small
was downstairs, on the shady side of the building.
lived out of a trunk
maintenance man.
He
under
He
his
He
bed and became the center's
fixed faucets, drains, showers, light
switches, door hinges, and windows.
Angel's cultural centers were opening in
cities
the country. In order to address his followers, a
throughout
Luke purchased
Beechcraft King Air turbo prop and asked Kevin to pilot
Kevin flew Luke
to different cities
where Luke spoke
it.
to large
groups of disciples and discussed finances with the administrators
of the centers.
After a seminar in San Francisco, they stopped bar and
met
a
young
ballet dancer.
stories of his childhood.
When
93
in
the hotel
Luke charmed her with
he mentioned that they were
JOE FRANK seemed
staying in the presidential suite, she told her the suite
of the
was magnificent and had
intrigued.
a
panoramic view
city.
"Would you
like to
"Really?' she said.
come up and
see it?" he asked.
"You wouldn't mind?"
would be my pleasure," Luke said. three of them took the elevator to the top
"It
The
Luke gave her
a tour of the rooms.
He
glass of
Chivas Regal. As Kevin and the
window
at
and
Luke
the
dimmed
floor
poured each one a girl
looked out the
Golden Gate Bridge, Luke turned on the
the lights.
Then he walked
and
radio
over, took the girl's
hand, and guided her to the marble floor near the fireplace.
The
radio
was playing "The Blue Danube."
"Just listen to those violins," water.
It
Luke
said, "like
wind over
takes you back to another time, to a far
mantic century. Mantovani
is
a genius.
more
ro-
Wouldn't you agree,
Kevin?"
Luke began laughing uncom-
In the window's reflection, Kevin watched as kissing the girl's neck.
She pulled back,
fortably.
"What do you think of Kostelanetz?" Luke asked Kevin. "I don't listen to
Luke removed
him."
his silk scarf,
face and throat, and ran
it
down
brushed
it
against the girl's
the length of her arm. "You
should familiarize yourself with his earlier work," he
said. "I
work of the Melachrino Strings was outstanding. But they're really not on the same used
admire him.
to
level as
Luke wrists,
I
also thought the
Mantovani." slowly eased the
and began
to
girl's
arms behind
bind them with the
94
scarf.
her,
held her
NIGHT "What "In
are
you doing?" she
my opinion,
Luke went
on.
Kostelanetz's arrangements are top-heavy,"
"The
whiny and
and basses aren't
cellos
And
There's no foundation. Strings are
said.
enough.
the violins of the Melachrino
irritating."
In the window's reflection the
looked
girl
"My roommate
"Please!" she cried. if I
rich
is
terrified.
going to get nervous
don't get back."
"And
let's
Luke
face it,"
said,
"Kostelanetz conducts like
a
sledgehammer,
is
understated, though full of genuine emotion.
whereas
Mantovani's
conducting
style
Did you
ever hear his rendition of 'Raindrops Keep Falling on
My
Head'?"
"No," Kevin
The
girl
said.
struggled as
Luke unbuttoned her blouse and un-
"Come
clasped her bra. "Jesus!" she cried.
"Another problem with Kostelanetz too
much
of his
own
is
on!
that
Cut
it
out!"
he introduced
personality into his arrangements. In his
interpretation of 'Eleanor Rigby,' for example, Kostelanetz
completely ignores the ironic overtones and indulges
in a sen-
timentality unworthy of the original composition. Mantovani,
on the other hand,
Kevin watched
is
as
much less self-conscious." Luke pinned her against the
wall and
fondled her breasts.
"Have you ever seen Mantovani "No," Kevin said.
The
girl,
engagement
concert?"
Luke
asked.
her eyes tightly shut, was trying to free herself.
"For God's sake, don't do
Luke put
in
his at
thumb
in
this. Please."
her mouth.
Carnegie Hall," he 95
"I'll
never forget his
said, breathlessly.
last
"The
JOE FRANK air
was crackling with excitement. At the end of the concert
the audience sat in stunned silence before exploding into
They were
applause. Everyone rose.
shouting, 'Bravo,
all
Maestro,' and hurling flowers onto the stage.
was quite
It
moving."
By now, "Okay," he
the
girl
was sobbing. Kevin stepped forward.
"Enough. Let her go." He could smell her
said.
sour odor. The smell offear, he thought.
After a
moment, Luke
released her. She walked quickly
out the door, buttoning her blouse.
The two men
stared at each other.
The
Luke spoke
next day,
"There lypse.
to the
are people," he said,
Oakland chapter of Angel.
"who warn of
But what these prophets of doom
fail
a future apoca-
to address are the
personal, though no less profound, tragedies
around us."
all
Luke gazed around the packed room as he drank from a glass of water. "The discovery that you have lost your way in life can come upon you relatively quickly, like a cataclysm. But losing your way is a slow, eroding process. Somehow you've made the wrong decisions which have taken you to the wrong is
as
places, places
from which you can not
though having committed yourself
and well along eling in
in that journey,
the wrong direction.
strength has been spent on
you
easily retreat. It
to a great journey,
realize you've
been
moving down
this path,
and you
have depleted your most irretrievable resource: time. being mortal, the temporality of your existence precious currency you have to spend, and invested unwisely
it
is
it
For,
the most
is
if this
indeed a calamity. But 96
trav-
Furthermore, most of your
budget is
is
hard for
NIGHT the sleepwalker not to lose his way,
if
he sleepwalks through
life."
/ was dating three men when I got pregnant. I didn't
know
which was the father but I told each one the baby was his in order to get
had
them all
to
pay
child support. I took
dates with any of them
and
him along whenever I
sent them pictures of
him as he
grew up. I
had to
"mixing
more crap. I became
survive. I wasn't going to take any
a master of kit.
the hustle.
" //
Fd
mingle with customers using a special
was a purse with a picture
of
"my crippled son,
a
letterfrom
my
mother,
who "needed money for an
a
bottle of pills
for my
illness,
' '
'terminal.
off
a man
'
operation, "
which, though not contagious,
"
and was
/ also became a skilled pickpocket. I could take a billfold
in just three seconds while he
was standing
there asking
me my name. As the movement became more center began to unravel.
It
eighty people working toward the like
successful, relations at the
had started out
same
as a
community of
spiritual goals but,
any group, disagreements surfaced. Should group chant-
ing in the mornings continue for two hours? Should everyone
be required ners.
to
work on Saturdays? Some people cooked din-
Some helped
central
market
out in the kitchen.
to pick
Some
grounds or cleaned the bathrooms or polished the felt
drove to the
up vegetables. Some worked on the floors.
Some
they were constantly being given the worst jobs and that
a social hierarchy
had developed. There were the popular
ones, the not-so-popular ones, the crazies, the nerds, the jocks, the cheerleaders,
and
it
was
97
just like high school.
And
JOE FRANK Luke enjoyed the comforts of swimming pool, recording studio, and
while they lived modestly, his
mansion, with
movie
private
its
theater.
He was
chauffeured around town in a
limo, cruised along the coast in his yacht, and flew to dif-
ferent parts of the country, as well as to the Caribbean, in his plane.
Then rumors began to surface about Luke's tionships with the women on his staff. It was them
forced
to crawl
naked on
all
if
he placed crystals
them
them with
while playing
cries.
He
a hairbrush
to his
vaginas for "deep
grand piano and spanked
Muzak
had given them solemn reasons
was working out bad karma from
he
on their
operating the controls of
in their
cleansing," then tied
rela-
said that
fours while he rode
backs and pulled their pigtails as his plane; that
abusive
to
drown out
their
for his behavior.
his past lifetimes.
It
He was
sacred spiritual action.
One woman's husband was devoted
his life to
shaken.
He
Luke.
Angel's lawyer.
When
The man had
his wife confessed,
confided in his closest friends, some of
admitted having heard similar
stories
he was
whom
from others. Disillu-
many members planned to leave Angel. Others wept and affirmed their loyalty. Luke was the best thing that had sioned,
happened
to
them.
How could
they question him?
How could
Luke when he had done so much for them, had taken them to other realms of consciousness, was the person they would see beckoning to them from the other side when they crossed the threshold between life and death? Luke invited the leaders of the movement to a meeting in they possibly judge
Santa Barbara to clear the
air.
A crowd assembled at the center. 98
NIGHT Luke entered the packed room and asked his most devoted followers to come up and read passages from the Bible that condemned idle gossip. Then he rose and addressed the
Condemn
crowd. "Judge not and you will not be judged.
and you
will not
be condemned. Christ
said,
greater than his master. If they persecuted "
not
'No servant
me, they
is
will per-
secute you also.'
When we got to L.A., / couldntfindajob. I
a
girlfriend told
the club
Vd been booked in had closed down
was broke and didnt know where to go when
me about a
house on
La
Cienega. I
worked
there
a personal client list and went into
business on my my apartment when my boy was away at school or after he'd gone to sleep. But sometimes he'd wake up and hear me with someone. The next day he'd ask me about it. Once he came in and saw me going down on some guy. He turned around, went back into his room, and closed the door. until I developed
own.
A to
Vd
meet Johns at
few nights
later,
during a thunderstorm, Kevin was told
prepare the King Air for immediate departure. Their des-
tination
was the Cayman
to a fuel truck,
When
drove
he saw Luke's
he heard Luke and galley.
The
until the
it
a
Islands.
Wearing
to the plane,
car,
a
and
poncho, he jogged filled
the tanks.
he climbed into the cockpit. Soon
few others drag
a
heavy trunk into the
control tower was holding planes on the ground
storm passed, but Kevin didn't
tell his
passengers.
As the plane taxied down the runway, Luke sat down behind Kevin and drew a hip flask from his pocket. He looked through the windows, which were streaming with water. Then, as the
plane took
off,
he
sat
back and 99
lit
a cigar.
JOE FRANK been thinking today of the
"I've all
interrelationship
between
things," he said. "Climate influences the nature of plants,
plants influence the variety of animals that forage on them,
and animals that eat those plants influence the kinds of animals
on them. Did you know that on certain islands
that prey
the Pacific where there are no
They
birds
rats,
the niche the absence of
fill
become rodents?
rats created.
and burrow. They eat grubs, prey on
in
They
tunnel
and lose the
insects,
ability to fly."
The
plane veered to one side, dropped steeply, and mo-
mentarily stabilized. Luke, unfazed, sucked on his
"There
will always
be cooks and
tailors
cigar.
and teachers and
doctors and farmers and clerks and businessmen and politicians and scientists and artists and soldiers.
countless others are being filled there be
room
for
someone
all
like
These niches and
the time. So
why
shouldn't
me?"
Kevin's inability to smell had dulled his sense of
He
taste.
had been losing weight because he no longer took pleasure in eating.
He
thought these deficiencies would result
in a
heightening of his other senses. But his sense of hearing
seemed
to
have deteriorated
blurred out of focus. toes. It
He
as well. Kevin's
also felt
numbness
eyes sometimes
in his fingers
and
occurred to him that he was slowly withdrawing, that
the death he had wanted was in him, and he didn't care.
She
likes to
window open
take
a long shower
rosebushes with tiny pink buds,
sapling
in the
morning and leaves
the
so that she can see her garden. There are daffodils,
and a
mulberry
a few years ago and now has branches 100
tree that
that
was a
hang over
the
NIGHT roof of her house. Its leaves come out in the spring, light green
and eats. and brown and hang on until a
translucent, followed by mulberries, which she picks fall, the leaves turn yellow
wind blows them
In the strong
off into the garden.
After showering, she puts on her bathrobe and,
with
a towel
wrapped around her
hair, sits in her dinette drinking coffee
listening to the radio.
Then she goes outside
to
Sometimes
and the she'll
and
tend the garden. She
loves not only the colors offlowers, but their fragrances
of the petals,
and
,
the silky feel
veined, grainy texture of the leaves.
go for a ride in her wine-red convertible. As she
drives along narrow, winding roads, she gazes at the mountains
and
and wildflowers, recognizes the same trees that she has seen for years, and notes their seasonal changes She likes to pass a large country club with rolling hills, wooded areas, and greens with flags grasses
.
rippling in the breeze. Whenever goes on for half
slows
down and
When
a
mile,
inhales
a
it's
spicy,
rained, the smell of eucalyptus
pungent odor she
and
writing in her journal. Folded in the top drawer
"/ guess he
and
she
it deeply.
she comes home, she listens to music
article from years ago.
loves,
"He surprised me,
knew flying was dangerous,
" she
is
sits is
at her desk
a newspaper
quoted as saying.
so he took out
a policy
in
my name." Below her statement is a photograph of Kevin and Donna leaning against his Land Cruiser. The caption beneath it reads, You don't know what it's like to be a mother until you've lost both your '
children."
101
Green Cadillac
A
nton was waiting
at
the bus stop on Marshall and Fifth.
Brooks was supposed
to
meet him. Anton had
sold Brooks his
beat-up 1968 Cadillac three months ago and Brooks
still
owed
him five hundred dollars. It was late in the afternoon and Anton was pacing back and forth getting angrier and angrier. to show up. Now it would take another him down. Anton was cursing under his
Brooks was not going
two weeks breath
to track
when he heard
a voice call out,
He turned around and The Indian had matted fingernails.
"Hey, buddy." sitting in a wheelchair.
black hair and long, thick, clawlike
His skin was the color of mahogany.
ered with layers of
"Do me
saw an Indian
filthy rags
a favor," the
and
a
Navajo blanket.
Indian said.
"What do you want?" 103
He was
cov-
JOE FRANK "Could you go Wild
Irish
to the liquor store
and get
me
a quart of
Rose?"
"Where?" "Around the corner," the Indian pointed. "Past the pawnshop. I've been waiting all day for someone to push me down to the VA. I'm going to pick up my check but I've still got cash."
Anton sighed. "All right. But if a guy pulls up in a green Cadillac, tell him I'll be right back." Anton turned to leave. "No. Wait. Let me give you some money." "That's all right. You can give me the money when I get back."
Anton began
walk up the block when the Indian called
to
out again. "Hey, before you go, could you give lift me up?" "Do you want
me
a
hand
I
going
and
"I don't to stand
to stand
up?"
have any legs," the Indian
up? Just
lift
me
said.
"How am
in the seat a little."
Anton walked around behind the wheelchair and began to under his arms. As he leaned forward, he
hoist the Indian
almost gagged from the strong odor.
"Oh God." The Anton walked
Indian winced.
"My
asshole really hurts."
off toward the liquor store.
As he turned the
corner he looked over his shoulder for Brooks. That deadbeat son of a
bitch.
Blocking the doorway of the store was a fatigue jacket holding a small
American
104
flag.
man in an army "Hey Slim," he
GREEN CADILLAC said.
"I'm trying
to get a
Can you help out
a
couple of dollars for
a pint of whiskey.
Vietnam vet?"
Before Anton could answer, the Korean shopkeeper stuck his
head out the door and began hitting the
Go
broom. "Go away.
The
vet's legs with a
away. Stop hanging around the store."
vet staggered a few feet
waving the
off,
flag in the air.
"Fuck you, you slant-eyed little cocksucking prick." Anton walked into the liquor store. He passed refrigerated cases of sodas and frozen foods. A fat black man, squatting below an island of canned goods, was stuffing a bottle of Rainier ale in his pants. He held the shelf with one hand to keep from falling over and worked the bottle under his belt. His ankles were so fat he probably couldn't lace up his hightop sneakers, and the laces were hanging open on the floor. As he zipped up his jacket to cover the bottle he glanced over at Anton. "What the fuck are you looking at?" he said. Then he lifted himself to a standing position and lumbered away. Anton wondered if the bottle would slide down his pant leg and break on the
floor.
Anton could not front of the store,
counter.
and
a
Now
find liquor
where he saw
he was standing
white janitor
and four
"D"
who had
No
bottles stacked
in line
dollars
WE MADE
A DEAL WITH
behind the
behind the black
man
The
cash register
and the janitor began writing out
The Korean woman behind
checks." She pointed
to the
placed two cartons of tampons
battery packs on the counter.
showed twenty-eight a check.
anywhere and walked
at a sign
the counter said, "Sorry.
on the
wall:
THE BANK. THEY DON'T SELL CONDOMS
AND WE DON'T CASH CHECKS. 105
JOE FRANK Anton thought, Can you him a hundred years them with his
"Yeah,
I
believe this motherfucker? It
to use all those
tampons even
building
would take
was sharing
girlfriend.
can see the sign," the
wallet and shook his head. "Look, in a hurry.
if he
You see
down
me
in
man I
He opened
said.
his
don't have the cash. I'm
here almost every day.
the street. Could you give
me
a
run the
I
break here,
please?" "Sorry," the
woman
"No
repeated.
check."
Her husband joined her behind the counter. "Too much trouble," he said. "Too many problems with checks. You come back with cash." janitor snatched
He
took hold of the boxes of tampons.
them back. "Wait
a
second!" he
the two struggled over the tampons, the batteries
counter and the black
man reached down and
in his pocket. "All right,
fucking forget
it!"
The
said.
While
fell
off the
slipped one set the janitor said,
and walked out.
Anton glanced out the window, then looked at his watch. picked up the remaining batteries, hung them on the display rack, and carried the boxes of tam-
The Korean shopkeeper pons away.
The
a fistful of
change and poured
black
two more handfuls
man
reached into his pocket, drew out it
to the pile. "I
on the counter.
need
He added
dollar bills,"
he
said.
Then he began stacking the quarters, dimes, nickels, and pennies. The woman helped him, raking the change off the counter and handing him Let
am
me
bills
out of this fucking place,
I going to have to wait? This
from the cash
register.
Anton thought. is
Jesus,
the last favor I
how long
do for anyone.
hadnt been for Brooks, I wouldn't even be down here. He If wondered if Brooks had arrived, looked for him, and driven it
106
GREEN CADILLAC away.
Then he wondered
if
Brooks was standing outside the
him he had sold the Cadillac, was down on his luck, and needed a couple more bucks. But he knew Brooks would never show. He would never get his money. Everything was fucked again. As he waited, he began to feel he couldn't breathe. "Can I get a bottle of Wild Irish Rose, store waiting to tell
please," he asked. "Just a minute, just a minute," the
Trying licorice
to
woman
calm himself, Anton gazed
whips and Hershey's Kisses and
cigarettes for sale at
of sourballs and
at jars
a
said.
cup with individual
twenty cents each. Then he looked be-
hind the counter. There was a small section of X-rated videos titles like A Hard Man Is Good to Find and Knockers Galore. On the shelf above were the bottles of liquor. When the black man finally left, the woman pulled down
with
the last pint of Wild Irish Rose.
"You don't have any quarts?" Anton asked.
"No more,"
she said.
Anton paid her and she stuffed the bottle in a paper bag. On his way back to the Indian, Anton saw a hooker swaying drunkenly a filthy
in front of a
UCLA
boarded-up
strip club.
She was wearing
sweatshirt, thick leggings that had holes near
the hemline of her skirt, and what must have once been high-
heeled shoes, but the heels were broken
off.
orange dime-store wig low on her forehead.
It
had stuck each of her fingers
in
She wore an
looked as
if
she
an electrical socket and her
head had exploded.
"Wanna
date?" she whispered huskily.
Anton felt as if he were passing through liquor and perfume. 107
a forcefield of cheap
JOE FRANK "Yeah, that would be good," he
Or dine
dancing.
what I want
When ifs
a
.
.
said.
the Carleton. Great!
a date with you.
A
"Maybe
we'll go
date! That's just
My dreams have come true!"
the Indian saw Anton coming he cried, "Oh, God,
miracleV"
"Damn "They
The
.
at
it,
I
But when he looked
wanted
a
at the bag,
he was angry.
jug of this."
didn't have any jugs. This was the
last
pint."
Indian unscrewed the cap. "I haven't had a drink
all
day."
"Did anyone show up?" Anton asked. The Indian shook his head and dug under his clothes until he found a pack of Winstons. He drew out a cigarette and crumpled the pack. "My last one," he said. He put the bag in his lap
his lips,
and
lit
the cigarette.
Then he
lifted the bottle to
took a loud swallow, and dragged on the Winston.
Anton looked down the street for Brooks. He figured the Indian would probably be getting a check for eighteen or nineteen hundred, which was a lot more than he was making at the moment. "I'd like my two dollars back," he said. "Hold on," the Indian said. "Just let me get some of this juice down." He took another swig of the wine, followed by another drag on the cigarette. Then he reached into his clothes for the money. Anton stared hard at the Indian and felt dampness under his arms. There was a bitter taste in his mouth.
The a
Indian interrupted his search to take another drink and
smoke. "I
want
The it? I
my money," Anton
said.
Indian reached into his clothes again. "Shit!
can't find anything today."
108
Where
is
GREEN CADILLAC "Keep looking." But the Indian wasn't getting anywhere. Anton screwed. First Brooks, "Just give
it!"
feel better.
a little. It's
not French champagne but
You might
like
it.
used
I
started to go. Can't see a
Anton walked up and braced a
"You want
said, offering the bottle.
might make you
this? It
doubly
this dirtball in a wheelchair.
me my money, damn
"Here," the Indian
some of
now
felt
to
it
won't
drink gin. That's
goddamn
Come
on, have
you
kill
either.
when my
eyes
thing now."
to the wheelchair.
He grabbed
the armrest
his foot against the side of the wheel. "Well, take
good look
at
the sidewalk, you prick!" he said.
pushed the chair
over.
The
Then he
Indian grunted as he hit the pave-
ment. Anton watched the wine run down the sidewalk. Indian bawled. "Oh,
shit,
my bottle!
Jesus, where's
The
my bottle?
Fucking white-trash bastard!"
A city
bus approached. Anton flagged
it
on, paid the fare, and walked to the back.
down.
He
climbed
As the bus pulled
away, he looked out the window, and saw the Indian crawling
out into the street as Anton's green Cadillac slowly cruised
around the corner with Brooks
at the
109
wheel.
Date
T
h k ey were
A
sitting in a bar.
came
waitress
The room was crowded and
to their table
order drinks. While he studied the wine
noisy.
if
they would like to
list
the waitress stared
and asked
at the ceiling.
"I don't
"Then and
I
know
if I
make up my mind," he said. The waitress turned
left.
"You know," she I
can
won't bring you anything."
worry about them
said, "usually flirting
when
I
go out with men,
with the waitress.
I
wonder
if
they
more attractive than me. But in your case there's no problem. You have a remarkable uneasiness that's quite wonderful. You make everybody feel uncomfortable. It's a gift."
find her
"Thank you," he
said.
///
JOE FRANK "This afternoon, intriguing.
Venus
know what
that
I
checked
my
chart and found something
exactly in conjunction with Mars.
is
Do
you
means?"
"No," he said. She drew an astrology calendar from her purse, opened and began to read.
it,
" 'This transit produces a strong desire for the opposite sex.
Venus acting upon Mars,
Mars upon Venus, softens make you more willing to meet
rather than
the nature of Mars and will
your partner's needs. Under
this influence, the sexual rela-
tionship will be very satisfying to both of you.' Isn't that great?"
She laughed. "Would you
like to hear
what
it
says
about you?" "Is this really necessary?" he asked.
"Of course
it
She turned
to
is."
another section of the book. " 'This transit
your interest
will arouse
because
in finding a partner
it
rep-
resents the union of the two planets that most strongly affect
the sex drive. You have a strong desire for lovemaking and
demand some form
What do you
of gratification.'
think of
that?" "I don't
know what
"Last Friday was
to think,"
I'd
hang up
in the said,
my
—
all
people because of the
day and
friends called because they
and the phone would
morning,
said.
difficult for a lot of
solar eclipse," she said. "I cried
every one of
he
my
all
night,
were
all
and
upset.
ring again. Finally, at
two
ninety-year-old grandmother called and
'Live every day one at a time.
112
And
don't worry. I'm
DATE praying for you. Things could be worse.
Newton's
cat
knocked over
a
Remember
that Isaac
candle that burned his
life's
"
work.'
"Is this true?" "I don't
know. She has
lots
of stories."
"Maybe
it wasn't Isaac Newton, but Irving Neufeldt." "Who's Irving Neufeldt?" "How should I know?"
She laughed.
He
did not think what he had said was particularly funny.
me that Sunday, when I came to home with me. Oliver is a toy raccoon when I stayed over at her apartment as
"Anyway, Grandma visit, I I
used
a kid.
told
could take Oliver
with
to sleep
So the next day
I
was driving along Rock Creek Parkway
singing, 'Oliver, Oliver, Oliver, I'm all
coming
I
brakes, swerved, and almost lost control of the raccoon.
The
I
think
waitress
I
killed
it.
came back
Isn't that
—
when jammed on the
to get you'
of a sudden an animal ran onto the road.
car.
It
was
a
weird?"
to their table.
She ordered
a
cup
of tea and he ordered a vodka tonic.
She was
still
wearing
a
name
tag from the television awards
banquet. Earlier she had called him from a phone booth the hotel.
He
could hear the crowded lobby
in
in
the back-
ground. "Is that a sound effects record?" he asked. "You don't seriously think I'm
dumb enough
to believe
you've
won an
What kind of fool do you think I am?" "A considerable one," she said, laughing. Then he heard someone else's voice and her excited response. "Carlos is here? Really? Later tonight?" And speaking
award, do you?
113
JOE FRANK into the is
in
phone
again: "I can't believe
it.
An
old friend of
mine
town. He'll be giving a party later for some Spanish
friends.
They're going
"I don't
want
go
to
to
dance the Cumbia."
to a party,"
he
"Let's meet for
said.
drinks and you can go there later."
He
stared out the
"Did you speak
window
at the
slow-moving
traffic.
your boss?" he asked.
to
"Yes. This morning."
"What happened?" "I told her
if
they didn't want me,
"The same week you won an
I'd leave."
award.
It's
ironic."
"You're not kidding."
"What did she
say?"
"She was very warm. I think she's grateful that I'd rather give up my job with dignity than be beaten out of it with a stick. She seemed to admire my attitude and I may live to regret it. I said it would take a few months to find something else and I hoped they'd look the other way. She agreed in
—
principle."
"How
do you
feel
about
"Relieved. Anyway,
"What "I may
I
it?"
have an idea."
it?"
is
start
an improvisational therapy theater. People bar-
ing their souls before a live audience. After
you
talk to
are so rich
someone
it's
all,
every time
an improvisation, and people's
and interesting." She sighed. "If everything
through and
I
end up broke,
it
lives falls
might be the best thing that
ever happened to me."
"That's what some people say," he
114
said. "
'When
I
lost all
DATE my money, it was the best thing that ever happened to me.' Of course, those are the ones who get their money back. You never hear about the ones who stay broke. But the ones who get it back, they're the ones who tell you how great it was to lose
it
all."
"Tell
She
me
about
filled
it.
I've lost
it all
already."
He
you don't
I
of the
learned," he
the top of these things, the water runs
lift
how do you dry yourself after taking
everywhere. Incidentally, a
stream of
lifted the top
teapot and the dripping stopped. "Something said. "If
A
her cup from a small metal teapot.
water dribbled onto the tablecloth.
shower?" "I
wear
a
—
look like
bathrobe and
a
towel on
my
And
this
hair.
It
makes me
"Beulah?"
"Thank you. That's very
kind.
ized portion of our relationship.
is
during the ideal-
Think of what
I
can expect
in the future."
"What future?" "I know there's no
"When
I'm attracted
him
sexual about
doesn't work.
I
it is
until
really
"Like holding "Yes,
future."
a
to I
someone,
my
But the more
got to
I
tell
anything
said. "Just
looking
to feel the person."
in the
like that. For
think you were
can never
touch him," she
have
melon
didn't think, 'What a
I
market?"
example, when
handsome man, how
I
first
met you,
adorable.'
type. Your looks didn't resonate
know
you, the more attractive
you."
115
I
didn't
for I
I
me.
found
JOE FRANK "I'm glad
was able
I
to
break through your
initial indiffer-
to me/' "That isn't what I said. I'm talking about touch as a channel for opening up and expressing feeling. That's why people who are shy leap into bed with strangers. It's a way to get past the initial awkwardness to something deeper. But if you just talk, then eventually you end up in a situation where you're both
ence
scrutinizing each other and emotions are throttled because
them
there's no place for
you touch me, say to
is
that
I
feel
wish
I
I
to go."
She paused. "Look, when
something powerful. What I'm trying
to
could express myself through making love
you." She smiled sheepishly.
"How would you
feel if
I
paid you?" he asked. "You'll need
when you lose your job." "Why should you pay me when I'd happily do it for
the
money
soon, anyway,
free?"
"Don't ask."
She
lifted
her cup to her mouth, then set
it
back
in its
saucer.
"During my entire childhood I was never told I was pretty. In fact, everyone in my family criticized my appearance. They were always staring at me, moving my hair around, trying to get
me
to look better.
depressed kid
—
I
was
a skinny, bucktoothed, pale,
But then, when
a classic ugly duckling.
I
became a teenager, I suddenly blossomed. There was this mounting wave of male attention, and it gave me an exaggerated sense of
my own
beauty. But
getting married."
"For
how
long?"
"Six and a half years."
116
I
put a
lid
on that by
DATE "Really?" "I
was completely
faithful."
"Did he abandon you?" "In a way."
"What do you mean?" "I don't know if I want
go into
to
all
this."
"We've got the evening." "Well
—
it
wasn't the
first
time."
She looked out the window. "When I was five, my father his government job because of Com-
was hounded out of
He was under public investigation and fled to He was away for a long time. My mother fell into a depression and they put her in a hospital. When he finally munist
ties.
Europe.
came back, she recovered. But later came ill with testicular cancer. His
the
and he received
been one of the great
radiation. It's always
secrets in our family.
Anyway,
Washington
We 7
to visit.
sat
a
life. I
feelings.
thought
Then
I
year,
he be-
was removed
testicle
few months ago, she came
down
to
dinner and she was
one of her worst moods, near the edge, her
same
bitterly
should be supportive and
let
she started discussing her sex
to in
denouncing her vent her
life
with
my
father."
"What do you mean?" "She talked about how
sensitive and vulnerable he
I didn't want to hear ." more presence of mind "But you must have been interested."
after the operation.
.
"Well, for
I
it,
and
if I'd
Some
had
.
thought the truth couldn't hurt. Honesty
everybody.
became
bullshit idea like that."
Ill
is
good
JOE FRANK "Is that
what your Freudian therapist suggested? Or your
Jungian?"
come up."
"It hasn't really
"So what did your mother say?"
"She described
was
a sexual relationship that
misery
total
She imitated my father's gestures and words, and how he would correct her technique. 'Don't and acted out both
do
that.
Do
parts.
That
this.
This
hurts.
feels better.'
And
she'd be
Can you imagine? This
saying, 'Yes, dear. Yes, dear.'
the
is
kind of information everyone wants to learn about their ther ful,
—
that the great patriarch of the family
is,
fa-
in fact, fear-
hypersensitive, uncomfortable with himself sexually.
watched
her, thinking:
responsible
for
her.
Mom
is
having another breakdown.
But by the time she
left,
I
I
Vm
thought / was
the one who'd crack up."
He noticed the people at a nearby table had fallen silent. He felt himself flush with embarrassment and leaned forward. "You're talking too loud," he said.
"This reminds her voice.
"My
me
of
my
marriage," she said, lowering
husband was Jewish and
thing to do with a Jewish
man
since.
I
So
haven't had anyI
suppose
it
was
someone who was Jewish it would all come up again. We had a theater company together. That was our original dream." She looked down, tears forming in her eyes. "This is hard because it brings up lots inevitable that once
I
related to
of feelings."
"But why
reject
all
Jewish
men
because of a failed
rela-
tionship with one?" "I couldn't be close to
anyone who resembled Alan. 118
I
don't
DATE want
be reminded of him. And
to
I
feel that
no Jewish man
could ever love me."
"Why
not?"
know. Look, I'm talking around the subject.
"I don't
gay. And I didn't know Or maybe he always knew
husband was to
know "Did
it.
it
He
gradually
came
it."
affect your love life?"
"Are you kidding? "It
it.
My
It
was
terrible."
must have undermined your confidence." It was the pits. That's why I needed
"Absolutely.
to restore
that."
"Did you?" But there were pieces
"I think so.
me
I
left
behind. Parts of
that got buried."
"What do you mean?" "The person who was
pissed off and determined to have
other relationships and to learn to feel good about herself as
woman
young nineteen-year-old who'd never stopped loving her husband." She stared at him. "Jesus, I'm dumping all this shit on you. I'm sorry. It's just that I'm not sure this is true but it's occurred to me that, on some level, I've always wanted to be loyal to him." She began to cry. a
behind
left
a
—
—
"And
I
always have been."
"Why "It's in
should you be loyal to him?"
not that
my heart,
I
literally I've
feel,
is still
out to be a stranger with brows,
I
don't even
whatever idea
I
been
loyal a
loyal,
— not
to
but that some place
him, because he turned
bouffant hairdo and plucked eye-
know who he
had of the person
anv sense?"
119
is I
anymore loved.
— but
Does
loyal to
that
make
JOE FRANK "Where was he from?" "He came from a wealthy suburban background. His mother was
His older brother had been
a neurotic tyrant.
in
and out
of mental hospitals for years. His father was involved in sorts of
been
shady deals.
poor,
tied to
They were
all
not a nice family. If they'd
he might have escaped. But the money kept him
them.
He
didn't have
"What happened "He's no longer
to his
in
it.
much
work
He
in
works
of a chance, really."
the theater?" in trade negotiations.
He's
a Republican. Isn't it amazing? He wanted nothing more than to be a WASP. And now he is one. In fact, before our wedding he and my father had a huge fight because Alan hated being Jewish. He didn't want a Jewish ceremony and
become
argued
that, according to orthodox Judaism, he wasn't a Jew anyway because his maternal grandmother had been a German who'd converted to Judaism. But he'd grown up in a Jewish neighborhood and his mother and father had been a product
of that environment and every relative he
knew was
Jewish."
"So what happened?"
"We were married in Newport He laughed. "I'm sorry." "No,
it is
funny.
It
was
"What does he look "Blue eyes. Sandy
like
female judge."
an omen."
hair. Tall.
And
Meticulous about the house. I
a blind
like?"
Long-legged. Gorgeous. loved him.
by
Slender. Broad-shouldered.
incredibly vain. Into clothes.
A
terrific
cook. Older
women
mean, how many men would hang out and sing
Gershwin songs with you?" She laughed. "He adored Fred Astaire.
I
"When
know
it
sounds
really stupid."
did you learn he was gay?"
120
DATE "It took years.
There were
all
kinds of signs, but
was
I
blind to them."
"What do you mean?" "He made friends with all these gay men because he said he wanted to show them that heterosexuals could understand how they felt. So we went to gay parties and dances, and I'd
women there. Eventually, I Did we have to go? Then, one
be one of the only two or three told
him
were I
all
didn't enjoy them.
I
night this
guy came over
lolling
for dinner. Later in the evening,
around on the sofa when he
love you both so
much.
I
said, 'You
love you, Ariel, and
Alan. I'd love to go to bed with both of you. But
bed with Alan.'
choice, I'd rather go to
When
I
I
we
know,
love you,
if I
had
my
heard that,
I
And that brought on several weeks of soulhow we couldn't hurt this guy's feelings by rejecting him. So we had to reassure him that it was okay, and we continued to go to his parties. Then we made friends with almost fainted.
searching about
another couple, spent a
lot
of time with them, and the husband
turned out to be gay, too.
Of
course,
I
had no idea
at
the
time."
"When
did you finally realize?"
"Alan showed up one day
in a
pink
shirt
open down
to
mid-
chest, his hair slightly teased, wearing a pair of oversized glasses I
said,
you?'
He
and an
ascot.
'Do you
And
that
kept
all
still
We were going out for a drink somewhere. want
He
said,
'I
don't know.
Do
our possessions because he couldn't bear to give
up anything. Whenever heart failure.
to go?'
was the day we separated.
It
a plastic fork."
I'd say,
'Can
I
have
this?'
he'd have
was such agony that all I ended up with was She laughed. "The irony is that I'd supported 121
JOE FRANK him through school ence from
so he could achieve financial independ-
Once,
his parents.
I
said to him. 'You
know,
I've
my life with you.' He said, 'Well, I've spent the best years of my life with you, too.' 'Yes, but I'm a woman,' I said. And his answer was, 'Well, so am I.' It was spent the best years of
like:
Who
was the better female? And
as far as
cerned, he was by far the more deserving one. deal that
I
actually got to be the
utterly second-rate at
woman the
couple who'd turned out to be gay. So
was
because
whereas he was superb.
it,
came through, our witness was
divorce
he was conIt
When
man from I
way through
the
all
such a tragedy.
The
it.
They were
marriage was over.
I
raw
the
the other
experienced the
divorce proceedings with these two gay men, both of
sobbed
a
was so
I
so unhappy.
whom It
was
couldn't possibly cry
without competing with the two of them."
They
fell silent.
you ever placed
Finally,
a personal
he looked up and asked, "Have ad?"
"No," she said. "Have you ever thought about placing one?" "Well, the ads
I
could never figure out
seem the same. You know:
how 'I
to describe myself. All
like
walking
in the
woods,
candlelit dinners, classical music, quiet out-of-the-way places,
cuddling by a cozy
around "It
is
a a
fire,
good book.'
curling
problem. After
"I've heard
women
up on
a cold winter
evening
"
are
all,
what's left?"
supposed
to describe
themselves as
warm and slender. That's supposed to be effective with men. They respond to the warm and slender ads. And I read that
122
DATE women
seek
men who can offer three
things: certainty,
humor,
and sex appeal."
"But going back be
to a personal ad,"
interesting to tell the truth? For
woman,
'Neurotic
he
"wouldn't
said,
example,
in
it
your case:
mid-thirties, believes in astrology, pres-
ently seeing a Freudian and a Jungian analyst, about to lose
her job, comes from a dysfunctional family and remains tied to
her husband of six years
think
it
who
turned out to be gay.'
"You're rude," she said, lifting her hand as
about
Do
you
would work?"
to slap
Later, in her apartment, he
down on
if
she were
him.
removed
his overcoat
and
lay
the sofa.
"I don't
know what
to say, Doctor.
I'm drawing
a
blank."
"Take your time," she said. "Why don't you tell me how you've been?" "How do you think I've been?" "I imagine that No, it's too embarrassing. What am
—
doing
in
I
your apartment?"
"What do you think
"Who knows?" He tossed her one
you're doing?"
of the sofa pillows and held the other in
his arms.
"What are you sucking on?" "A 1.5 Energizer battery," he
said. "I
found
it
under the
pillow."
maybe "The word fear is "I thought
it
was an adapter. Are you afraid?"
not part of
123
my
vocabulary."
JOE FRANK She turned on a lamp. "Oh, God. Don't tell me you "I thought
might help clear up the atmosphere."
it
"Believe me,
She turned you gave
me
A moment
like light."
won't."
it
off the
lamp and hugged the
pillow.
"I'm glad
this." later,
videotape in her
she got up, crossed the room, and put a
VCR.
It
was
a class in
body work. They
woman stretched out on a table being massaged by The woman on the table broke down, sobtelling about a friend who had died in an auto accident.
watched
a
another woman. bing,
She was angry
at
her for giving her
did she have to drive so recklessly? father,
she
who had
still
died
needed him
in the
same
life
away so cheaply.
Then
year,
Why
she cried about her
and spoke of how much
to love her.
She turned off the program. "I need to practice the Rubinfeld body work on someone and you seem the ideal recipient." "I doubt it," he said. "Besides, I haven't experienced any tragic losses lately."
They walked into her bedroom and lay down. He stared up at the ceiling. She lay on her side, facing him, her head propped up in her hand. He felt paralyzed. Finally, he rolled over and took her in his arms. They held each other and she began to cry. He was moved and felt mounting passion for her. They kissed, and with each kiss her mouth become more pliant, more voluptuous. Later, she walked him to the door, and they embraced. The sexual tension, the awkwardness that had existed earlier be124
DATE tween them, was gone. She was like an old girlfriend. She looked at him in an easy, knowing way. It made him uncomfortable because he did not really feel close to her.
"Look," he
want what happened
said. "I don't
to
change
anything."
"What do you mean?" "I don't
want things
"Of course "But
I
they're different," she said.
want the anxiety back.
"I'm sure
to hurl
I
want the awkwardness."
way."
you'll find a
He wanted street,
be different now."
to
himself
down
the corridor, race into the
and never see her again. But he kissed her gently and
left.
She
called
him the next morning.
not failed, she said. She "I think
ship
I
understand
why
— which I'm ashamed —
ities that
get into
remind
all
of
me
If
only her marriage had
loved Alan, but
still
I've of.
pursued you
On some
level,
it
was polluted.
in this relation-
you have qual-
" She started crying. "I can't begin to
this. It's so
unfair to you."
125
The Queen of Puerto Rico
M
ick
was on vacation with
his
mother and
father.
They were
Thomas. Nick, seventeen, was too the other children and too young to feel comfortable
staying at a hotel on St. old for
with the adults, so he spent most of his time alone, strolling along the country roads and the beaches. In the evenings he
would at
sit at
the bar of the hotel sipping
piria coladas,
the Calypso band and the crowded dance
Late one night
woman came
a beautiful
gazing
floor.
in
wearing
a
pink
off-the-shoulder gown. She looked like a model or a film actress. floor,
Everyone stared
at
her as she
and when she arrived
at
made her way
across the
her table and removed her pink
shawl, baring her throat and shoulders, Nick gripped the bar
The
because he thought he might
faint.
her name, but said she was
known throughout 127
bartender didn't
know
the island as
JOE FRANK the Pink Lady. Nick waited for
someone
to join
—
a suave,
— but no one came.
handsome European-looking man
darkly
her
She
sat alone, drinking, listening to the music. After a while,
she
left.
He
looked for her
A
after that.
sunbathing
in the bar the
few days
he saw her
later
came out of
behind
her walk into the breakers.
the ocean, her long hair streaming
dabbed herself
her,
the beach. She was
swim out beyond the
water, dive into a wave, and Later, she
at
He watched
pink bikini.
in a
next night and the night
lightly
with a towel, and lay
down
again.
Nick had never seen anyone something
ness. If only
opened
a
about her.
tragic
He
he could speak
so beautiful. Yet he sensed felt
her sadness, her loneli-
He
to her.
sat
down
she folded her towel, put
it
into her canvas bag,
up the beach. At the roadside she got into
a
and walked
pink mini-jeep
with a pink-and-white-striped cabana top and drove
He calls
he says, "So,
how
are you going to get up here? Are you going
train?'
"You re in sighs.
"We
off.
were at a resort in the mountains. When someone
acts as if he
to take the
He
near her,
book, and pretended to read. Around mid-afternoon
the
city,
" /
tell
him. "In a hospital.
Then he says, "Let's go out
can't.
We have
to stay here.
to the pool,
okay?'
"
"Why?'
IV in your arm. had that. What's that?'
"Because you have an "I never
"Look.
He
It's right
looks
down
next to you. See?'
at a tube running into the back of his hand. "Yes,
128
THE QUEEN OF PUERTO RICO they're
good people here, " he says. Then he gets an
should branch of the
main
idea: The hospital
and he
open up a chain of franchises,
out,
11
be one
investors.
'What's the name of the chief resident here?"
"Brown."
He draws a scrap
of paper from his pocket, looks at
'What's he invoicing
now? What's
his
margin
Nick spent the following days searching the
He
it,
and asks,
P"
island for her.
rented a bike from the hotel, rode along the beaches,
navigated through the bustling streets of the town, pedaled slowly up steep
He
the other side of the island to the harbor. hotel in the evenings, exhausted.
shower and wait
for her at the bar.
spoken, he thought he was
The
last
when
near the bandstand.
He
He
late.
when
Then he would
take a
Although they had never with her.
she passed right by him and took a table
He knew
he had
had no idea what
rose, his heart
floor
in love
returned to the
night of his vacation, Nick was sitting glumly at
his usual spot
was too
and coasted down
hills into residential areas,
now, before
to act
to say,
but
pounding, and was about
it
it
didn't matter.
to cross the
dance
the musicians took a break and drew chairs up to
her table. For the next half hour, Nick watched as the group
laughed and sipped champagne. She never glanced
once the entire evening. to the States
a
few more daiquiris when
man wearing
an open-necked white
and white deck shoes tended
his
realized then that
at
him
he would return
without ever speaking to her.
He downed aged
He
sat
down next
to
shirt,
as
middle-
white slacks,
The man exPerry. He told
him.
hand and introduced himself 129
a polite,
JOE FRANK Nick he was president of a textile firm in the United States but spent most of his time in the Caribbean. Then he launched into a description of the geography, culture,
and history of St.
Thomas. Perry knew so much about the island that Nick asked him about the Pink Lady. Perry shook his head and said she was just a washed-up hooker who'd been around for a while, then changed the subject.
When on
the bar closed down, Perry invited Nick for a ride
his speedboat.
It
was Nick's
last
night on the island, a
beautiful evening for a spin around the bay, and
him.
to join
They down a
drove to the marina pier,
in Perry's convertible,
untied the boat, and pushed
cleared the yacht basin and
on the
Nick decided
came
into
open
throttle, the boat lurched forward,
ing over the waves.
They
off.
walked
When
they
water, Perry leaned
and they went crash-
raced back and forth across the bay,
passing the sparkling lights in the harbor.
A
half hour later they pulled into the
Perry's it
dock and drove to home. An oceanfront mansion with Greek columns,
looked as
if it
dated back to the time of the sugar plantations.
The rooms were filled with antique furniture and fresh flowers. Ceiling fans revolved slowly in the fragrant
They smoked
air.
marijuana and drank wine and Nick was
stoned and drunk, watching television with one eye open.
He
wanted
felt
as if
to sleep,
he were
but every time he closed both eyes he
falling
through space.
starred Kirk Douglas,
who
The movie
they watched
played different roles and wore
There was a fox hunt and a murder, but Nick couldn't keep track of it. He could hear the waves lapping against the dock and, with his head throbbing, staggered down
various disguises.
130
THE QUEEN OF PUERTO RICO the hallway to the bathroom, where he spent the next twenty
minutes on
his
knees throwing up into the
made And soon Perry was
ing and shivering, he
crawled into bed.
his
way
Then, sweatroom and
toilet.
into a guest in
bed with him, naked,
caressing him, and he was too sick and too
weak
to
and he didn't remember anything that happened
even think, after that.
Last night, a nurse telephonedfrom the hospital. She said he refused to take his
forced
and demanded
medication
to restrain
him.
go home. Soon, they'd be
to
/ said. 'Til be right over.
'"Wait, "
I found him sitting in a wheelchair, wearing his raincoat
His hands were trembling.
He
reached into his pocket, drew out a
scrap of paper with a number on
have a cent on me. Lend me
and hat.
it,
looked at
it,
and said,
"I don't
ten dollars, will you?"
"What do you need money for?" "I've got to get to Puerto Vallarta on business.
"Ifs nighttime.
No
"They'll open for
banks are open."
me!"
I walked to the window. "Look out. (<
What do you
What do you see?"
see?'
"I see darkness outside.
The banks aren't open now.
It's night-
time!" "It is
what I want
"It can't be.
it to be.
You can't make
it
day.
You can't make
the
banks
open."
His body sagged. Then he drew out another scrap ofpaper, looked at
it,
and said,
"Let's go out to the pool.
131
JOE FRANK
When Nick woke up There was
the next morning, Perry was gone.
on the night
a note
table.
Dear Nick, I'm sorry you were sick
work now but hope understand when
I
last night.
have
to
go to
you again soon. Please
to see
say that
I
think I'm falling in love
I
with you. Perry
Next
to the note
hundred-dollar ing.
He
bills.
was four hundred
and
Nick couldn't believe what was happen-
revulsion, shame.
felt fear,
dollars in fifties
He
left
without taking
the money.
He walked
back
to the hotel.
His parents were
in their suite
When they asked him where he'd been, them he had gone into town early in the morning for one last visit. Then he went to his room to pack. In the cab preparing to leave.
he
told
to the airport,
Pink Lady.
they passed the beach where he had seen the
He
asked the driver
imagined he saw near the water.
a
to
slow
down and thought
Maybe she was
really
or
dune down there swimming
pink towel through the trees on
a
in the surf.
His parents cleared customs and Nick was about through himself
when an
officer in a gray
uniform stepped
forward and said, "I'm sorry, but would you please
me?" Nick followed the man down
132
to pass
a corridor,
come with
around a bend,
THE QUEEN OF PUERTO RICO and into
a small
room. Perry was sitting behind
"How
Perry smiled.
a table.
The
door behind him.
officer left, closing the
are you?"
Nick was speechless. "I
know you've
got to leave, but
had
I
You have no idea how much you mean
know how
"I don't said.
I
to
mean anything
could
you again.
to see
me." to
you," Nick
"You took advantage of me."
much,
"I felt so
I
couldn't control myself. I'm sorry
if I
upset you."
Nick
dizzy and his head ached.
felt
Perry reached into his pocket. "Here, take the money.
want you
to
"I don't
"Why
have
want
not?
"I don't
I
I
it."
it."
don't need
it."
want your money."
"All right," Perry said, "but there will always be a plane ticket to
come
back, and
Nick returned
to his
write you."
I'll
home
in
Manhattan, and soon, every
Friday afternoon, an airline agent would
had been booked
a first-class ticket flight to St.
Thomas. Did he plan
for
to
call to tell
him on
make
him
that
that evening's
the trip? Nick said
no, he wouldn't be using the ticket.
Then
Perry's letters began to arrive.
he needed Nick and wanted else
to
He wrote
of
how much
be with him and with no one
and that Nick was missing out on so much fun by staying
home.
He
planned
to
didn't
move
know how wonderful
to
life
could be. Perry
San Juan where they could
133
live in a
beau-
JOE FRANK tiful
penthouse with
parties
all
and swimming pool and have great
a patio
come down for a visit, Maserati and make him the Queen of
the time. If Nick would
Perry would buy him a
Puerto Rico.
Nick answered
that he wouldn't
but he wasn't interested
mind having
being the
in
Queen
a Maserati,
of Puerto Rico,
and that Perry should leave him alone because he was just putting himself through a
him again
to say that
lot
of needless pain. But Perry wrote
he knew
in his heart
Nick
needed
really
him, and that he should stop being so petulant and just come
down. was having lunch
Yesterday he
me, tears came into his
in his milk.
want any more
He
to
eat?"
said
it
am I doing?" Later, I asked, "Do you He looked up. "First I have to know what
with a smile, as
One evening Nick lector of
He was sitting in a wheelchair, a plastic
took
'What
doing?" he said.
eating is."
saw
a spoonful of grapefruit and dropped Then he poured his coffee into his soup. "What am I
tray in front of him. it
eyes.
He
in the solarium. The minute he
if
he were cracking
visited his grandmother,
a joke.
who was
a col-
costume jewelry. As he looked through dozens of
pieces in her dresser, he was immediately drawn to a pink
teardrop stone encased in a silver pouch with a hangman's
noose clasp.
The
he asked
grandmother
him and
He
his
insisted
stone reminded him of the Pink
it
around
his
he could have
it.
She gave
it
to
he also take the pair of matching earrings.
bought a thick rawhide
wore
if
Lady and
neck
—
strap, strung the stone
a talisman
from
it,
symbolizing mystery,
and ro-
mance, adventure, and those who stand apart from the crowd. 134
THE QUEEN OF PUERTO RICO He
never took
off.
it
Some day he would
return to St.
Thomas
and see her again. It would be in the open-air market. She would be wearing pink slacks, a loose-sleeved blouse, a pink barrette in her hair. She would look a little older, but as beau-
He would make
way toward her through the crowd of shoppers. "You probably won't remember me," he'd tiful as ever.
"but years ago
say,
I
used
Hotel and watch you."
his
to sit at the bar of the
He would
tell
her about being young
and romantic and dreaming of making love
would reach under he had worn
and
and
pink wardrobe I'll
—
if
wear only pink
that
Months passed.
—
smile,
Then he charmed
and he'd invite her
in fact,
for
he'd buy an entirely
only she would go out with him.
come with you,"
by the sea and
memory. She would
a little embarrassed,
He would
to her.
and draw out the pink teardrop stone
for years in her
flattered
a drink.
his shirt
Trade Wind
"Of course
she'd say, and they would drive to a cafe
would be the beginning of
their affair.
Nick was about to graduate from high school. Perry's love letters and the Friday phone calls from the airline continued. Finally Nick couldn't stand it any longer and decided to get the bastard. He wrote Perry a letter It
was
fall.
asking for fifteen thousand dollars to buy a mixing console
and speakers
for a rock
band he was forming. Could Perry
A few days later Perry wrote back for more Why not come down to St. Thomas to discuss
help him out? information. it?
Nick
that
fired off
is, if
another letter demanding the
money now
Perry really cared for him or ever wanted to see him
A
few months
Nick wrote another letter to tell Perry how much he hated him because all along Perry had just wanted to take advantage of him. Yet again. Perry never answered.
135
later,
JOE FRANK
when Nick had asked
one small
for
Perry had rejected
favor,
him out of hand.
A
year passed before Nick received another letter mailed
from
San Juan, written in an almost illegible Perry said he had suffered a stroke, had lost some
a hospital in
hand. In
it
of the motor control of his arms and legs, was afraid he was also losing his
live
—
mind, and had resigned
He was
corporation.
terribly depressed,
as president of his
had
now," he wrote
"I can't go forward
lost the will to
— and hoped Nick
would forgive him. It
took a month before Nick could bring himself to write
back.
Why
might
really
him
should he care?
Then
have loved him. After
for so long?
So he wrote
occurred to him that Perry
it
all,
why had
to express his
Perry pursued
sympathy.
He
was
sorry he had tried to exploit Perry for money, but he had
learned something: You shouldn't use people. After he mailed the
letter,
he didn't hear from Perry
Once I followed him down in front of
a
urinal,
barefoot into
the hall into the bathroom.
unzipped
his undershirt, his shoes
and socks. Wearing only a diaper,
said.
"/ have
was summer. Nick was working part-time
apartment
he walked
a stall, locked the door, and refused to come out. Finally
cant come in," he
college,
He stopped
his fly, took off his pants, his shirt,
I called one of the attendants. The
It
for years.
in the Village.
man
knocked on the
a
child in here.
a
sophomore
in a fabric store.
cubicle.
community
in a
He
'You
had
his
own
Every evening, he would put on
his
gold tank top and velvet slacks and take a cab to his favorite
dance club.
He would meet
his friends,
136
have
a
few beers,
THE QUEEN OF PUERTO RICO then grab the prettiest
girl
and step out on the
He was
floor.
the best dancer and soon a crowd would gather.
One night he brought a young actress home with him. After made love, she said, "You know, you might as well have been rowing a boat." Later, when she'd gone, he watched a they
steady stream of
window.
He seemed
but he didn't
The
traffic,
know a
be waiting
for
something
to
happen,
what.
next week, a
Rose and that
to
headlights glowing, pass below his
woman
called.
She
name was
said her
mutual friend, who wished
to
remain anony-
mous, had suggested they meet. She described herself former model, now an little
older, she
artist
On
joke cooked up by his downtown friends.
he decided
The
to see
if this
in
and
was
an impulse,
what would happen. They made
a date.
following evening she pulled up to his building in a
Mercedes sedan. Through the windshield he saw an
woman
a
thought they would enjoy each other. She
sounded pleasant, but he couldn't help wondering a
as a
and poet. Although she was
with gray-blond hair and a cupid's sat
down
attractive
bow mouth. He
got
beside her. She asked him about his job,
remarked on the humidity, and turned on the
radio.
They
listened to salsa music as she drove aimlessly through the city.
He
noticed she was accelerating and braking by working a
lever that jutted from the steering column.
down
at the
extending robelike over her puckering
at
Then he
shroud of black velvet that covered feet.
The
one point and sagging
looked
her, the fabric
material was shapeless,
at another.
Her
hair,
which
had looked natural and free through the windshield, now
seemed
metallic,
and her face was so heavily rouged and
painted that he began to wonder about the perfection of her
137
JOE FRANK nose and the height of her cheekbones. She asked him her bag for her cigarettes.
in
rummaging through beauty queen, a
He
and
model. Finally, he found
a fashion
one and put
lit
it
her mouth. She
in
her cheeks hollowing, and stared ahead.
it,
They had
to look
the clasp and began
old photos of her as a cheerleader, a
a dancer,
pack of Kents.
sucked on
He opened
passed over the 59th Street Bridge and were
driving in Brooklyn
when
she suggested they go to a motel
nearby where they could relax and talk more comfortably. She told
him she would get the room and prepare
he waited
in a restaurant across the street. After
him
utes he could join her. She dropped as she
herself while
made
a
off
twenty min-
and he watched
U-turn into the motel.
When the twenty minutes had passed, he crossed the street. The man at the desk gave him the number of her room. He walked down the for to
him
to enter.
her neck.
He
She was
toilet
lying in bed with the covers
He
could hear
flushed in the next room.
a pair of
drawn
parted the drapes and stared at a grassy field
with a few dying trees.
A
her door, and knocked. She called
hall to
He
He
metal canes under the bed.
eyes. She asked him
to
come over
traffic in
the distance.
turned to her and saw quickly averted his
He
to her.
said, "Just a
second," and went into the bathroom. In the mirror, he stared at his face,
which looked drawn and
again, urgently.
He
ugly.
She
tried to gather his wits,
called to
him
then came out.
"I'm sorry," he said. "It was a misunderstanding.
I
have
to go."
Later, alone in his apartment,
he thought of moving
Why not go? He
better to do.
Thomas.
had nothing 138
He
to St.
wasn't
THE QUEEN OF PUERTO RICO getting anything out of school.
of
He
couldn't stand another year
So the next morning he withdrew
it.
all
the
money
in his
—
—
bank account barely enough for a one-way ticket called the airline, and made a reservation. It would be good, living in the Caribbean. He'd work on boats, go spearfishing and treasure diving.
And, of course, there was the Pink Lady.
had never forgotten There s
her.
He wondered
a lady who walks
bright cherry collar.
The last time I
Her
eyes
visited, she sat
if
she was
the halls in
a polka dot
are watery.
Her
down
still
breathing
little
children.
Then she picked up his hand again, put
legs,
and held
it
a
is
first
a
labored.
next to him, picked up his hand,
his finger in her nose. I pulled it out and said, doesn't like that, " and they stared at each other like
The
there.
dress with
and put
He
He
it
"No
no.
a pair
of
between her
there very quietly.
thing he did after arriving at the airport was catch
cab and drive along the beach where he had seen the Pink
Lady sunbathe and swim. The cab dropped him hotel.
He walked
through the lobby
to the bar.
The
off at the
bartender
remembered him. They shook hands across the counter. "Have you seen the lady who always wears pink?" Nick asked. "No, mahn. She gone," the bartender said. "She gone to de States."
He
rented a small bungalow and found a job as an assistant
manager
in a
canvas and leather store
hair long, got a dark tan,
and
a pair of clogs so
bought
a battered old
with scuba tanks
in the
in
town.
He grew
and wore cut-off T-shirts,
his
tight jeans,
he could tower over everybody.
He
Renault and drove around the island
back and 139
a spear
gun
sticking out the
JOE FRANK rear
window
to
— equipment he had borrowed from He would come
never used.
move one
a friend
Some-
of the tanks, and reposition the spear gun.
times he would
lift
out and put
it
it
back another way
anything to savor the identity he was developing, to
people take notice.
He
but
out of a store, lean into the car
make
what they were think-
liked to imagine
ing as they watched him.
At night, he would wear
—
out the tan
back of
a
his
a pale-blue satin shirt
—
white slacks, and dark glasses, and
to bring
sit in
He would
light a cigarette,
cupping
his
hand around the flame,
and gaze off into the distance. Later, feeling lean and he would unlock the door of
like a cat,
swing
roof,
the
club holding a drink, nodding his head to the beat.
and
his legs in
Then he would
flip
agile
his Renault, grip the
himself around like a gymnast.
lean forward and
make
believe he was switch-
ing special dials on the dashboard that weren't really there to
get the car started, and sometimes he would get out,
lift
hood, and tinker with the carburetor, although he didn't
the
know
anything about engines.
He hair
decided
on
his
cigarette ashes
drew
it in.
to
upper
grow lip
on
it;
a
mustache, but even after
was too later,
thin.
a
week
the
So he began rubbing black
he bought an eyebrow pencil and
Before going out he would sprinkle water on his
would shimmer, apply a dark beige base to and daub his eyelashes with coconut oil. offset the pink teardrop stone that hung from
hair so his curls
smooth
his skin,
Eventually, to his neck, left ear.
he fastened one of
his
grandmother's earrings to his
Then, one night at the hotel, as he sat at a became aware of a young man
the bandstand, he staring at him.
140
table near at
the bar
THE QUEEN OF PUERTO RICO And I its
drive by
rolling hills
Luwkeo and
and
royal palm
the
Dorado Beach Golf Course with racing down the narrow cob-
trees,
the crumbling stadium and and the huge storage vats of the Bacardi Rum factory where bands play at the edge of the road and vendors sell mango, guava, and papaya juice, until, taking the last winding curve flat out, I downshift with my foot on the accelerator, speeding down the road to the hospital.
blestone streets of
Old San Juan, past
the oldfort overlooking the sea
The
ferry
Charger.
Nick took
He danced
to
Puerto Rico was called The
on the deck with
a
group of
Bomba who
tourists
ignored storm clouds moving in from the west. Soon they
were passing through cared.
aged
Nick was
woman
a
choppy sea but were
strutting with his
in a
small boat in the distance. water,
hands on
sundress before him,
waving and shouting
Its single
at the
so
drunk nobody
his hips, a
when he
the boat was gone.
141
a
passenger was bailing
top of his lungs.
The
dancers saw the boat and waved good-naturedly back
Then
middle-
noticed
at
other
him.
Winter
W,hen Max his chest
and
could stand after
Max
stretched out on the sofa, Jake climbed up on fell
it,
asleep.
because he did
He
slid his
was
in the
room with
eight, Dr.
a period of
hall
and
felt so
lay
hand under the door
Max remembered
sleeping.
move for as long as he not want to wake his son. Later, did not
put Jake to bed, Jake
he came out into the
was
Max
down
lonely in his in front of
room
that
Max's study.
so that at least a part of
him
his father. his
own
loneliness as a child.
When
he
Edith Bronfman had helped him get through
nightmares, the fear of which prevented him from
Now, over
forty years later,
Max
felt
Dr.
Bronfman
was the only one who could rescue him from the depression that
was wrecking
a child analyst,
his life.
Max
Even though she
had persuaded her 143
insisted she
to take
him on
was
again.
JOE FRANK Dr. Bronfman's office was in an old apartment building in
Georgetown.
Max
odd
felt
sitting in the waiting
room
across
He
from the nanny or mother of the child being analyzed.
would self-consciously thumb through a book of nursery rhymes or a fairy tale. But the last few minutes before his session had a deeply narcotic effect on him. The thought of
Bronfman everything, no matter how painful, was exhausting. He would stretch out, his feet up on an ottoman, and doze off. Later, after the child ahead of him had left, and the waiting room had emptied, Max would hear Dr. Bronfman's footsteps coming down the hall. The door would open, her face would appear, and she would usher him into her office. Max would lie down on her couch, place his head on a cloth telling Dr.
she had spread on the pillow, and stare through the window at the
Dr.
winter sky.
Bronfman was
a short, gray-haired
woman who
suffered
from bronchial asthma. Often throughout the hour her body
was racked by
fits
of wheezing. She would gasp for
air,
then
spray a decongestant into her throat. After a spasm of coughing
and gagging she would she'd
"I'm sorry,"
"Please go on."
say.
Max
spit into a handkerchief.
talked mostly about his father,
his early childhood.
Max
who had
died during
had no memories of him. At family
gatherings he would ask the elders about the "old days."
described his father with reverence.
nessman,
He
a
man
a brilliant busi-
of great wisdom, the patriarch of the family.
had deeply loved
hand, had
little
miserable.
Max would
father trying,
He was
They
his son.
to say
Max's mother, on the other
about him; their marriage had been
gaze at old photos of his cigar-smoking
somehow,
to
remember him. He wondered 144
WINTER about his father's gestures and mannerisms, and staring deeply into a photo, to It
summon
was Dr. Bronfman's theory
depression was
that the root cause of
his hour,
Max
college in Virginia. a
it
was
Max's
found himself waiting
who
the elevator with Dr. Bronfman's husband,
He was
to
when he watched him
a bitterly cold winter,
Max
Max's
father.
puff on a
for
taught at a
wore thick
squat, balding,
striking resemblance
strange chill
by
his father's death.
Sometimes, after
and bore
tried,
the sound of his voice.
glasses,
Max
cigar.
felt a
Although
never saw him wear more
than a sweater and a sports jacket. Standing next to him in a
hooded parka, woolen
Max
felt
thermal gloves, and boots,
scarf,
Once Max asked why he
faint-hearted and foolish.
didn't dress
more warmly. The professor
said the cold didn't
bother him.
The
elevator operator, Samuel, was a lean, dark-skinned
black man.
He wore
on the sleeves and his pants.
He
a
uniform with gold buttons, gold trim
lapels,
looked like
and gold
a warrior
stripes
humbled
down in
the sides of
an alien world.
Max felt guilty whenever he saw him. While Samuel probably to live on, Max selfishly spent thousands of dollars on his analysis. He imagined breaking off therapy earned barely enough
and donating the money arship funds,
and famine
to
humanitarian causes
summer programs
for
relief projects in the
—
for schol-
urban youths, and medical
Third World. But of course
he didn't.
Whenever Max walked down would smile and
say,
the lobby toward
Samuel he
"Hello," but Samuel rarely responded.
His face remained cold, impassive. ninth floor he would say,
When Max
got out on the
"Thank you," and Samuel would 145
JOE FRANK slam the gate shut and the elevator would not feel
know what to contempt
mental case? to hate
ing
him.
for
drift away.
Max
did
Had he offended Samuel? Did Samuel
him because he considered Max
Max had no He imagined
him with
elevator, his
think.
idea.
But
a childish
time passed, he began
as
leaping on Samuel's back and beat-
his fists until
Samuel sank
to the floor of the
arms and legs twisted grotesquely.
Max received a call from an associate of Dr. Bronfman. The woman told Max that Dr. Bronfman's husband had passed away over the weekend. He One Sunday
had fallen
ill
night in January,
with a cold on Friday. His condition, aggravated
by congestion from too much smoking, had quickly deterio-
pneumonia and he had died shortly after arriving at the hospital. Max hung up, shaken. My God, he thought, I just saw him. It occurred to Max that, waiting for the elevator on Thursday, the professor had had no idea he would be dead rated into
in
seventy-two hours.
Max went to the funeral. He sat in one of the last rows of He wanted Dr. Bronfman to know he had come
the chapel. to
pay his respects, but he did not want
grief.
He saw
to intrude
on her
her enter from a side door, supported under
both arms by members of her family. She held a handkerchief to
her face, sobbing. In his disturbed
state,
Max could
follow the eulogies. After the funeral, to keep his
barely
mind
oc-
The film was about a man, trapped in a boring and unsatisfying marriage, who staged his own death in order to begin a new life far away.
cupied, he went to a movie.
When
Max's therapy resumed, only
man looked
like a
a
week
broken old woman.
146
later,
Max
Dr. Bronf-
expressed his
WINTER sorrow
at
what had happened. Was
it
perhaps too soon for her
to
begin again? She said no, the best thing for her
to
work.
Max
thought about her husband, buried
and wondered what he looked casionally he
now was
in his coffin,
like stretched out, dead.
Oc-
would hear Dr. Bronfman blow her nose.
He
assumed she was crying silently behind him. During the days that followed, Max was plagued by thoughts about the professor's body. Were his fingernails growing? Was his beard Would his stomach
would was
it
sprouting? split
open
take before insects and
it
Had
his skin
turned black?
How
like rotten fruit?
worms
got to him?
long
And what
like for Dr. Bronfman, lying alone in bed at night
knowing she would never be able to touch or speak to him again? W hen Dr. Bronfman asked Max what he was thinking, he said he would rather not talk about it. She told him there was no point in continuing treatment if he refused to speak freely. But how, Max wondered, could he share such thoughts with a grieving widow? And by trying to withhold them, they took control of him. No sooner would he lie down on the couch than he would see her husband's body decomposing, 7
Dr. Bronfman's face stained with tears on her pillow at night.
He
talked about the political infighting and
at his office,
Dr.
but
Bronfman last
was
clear
illicit
love affairs
he was holding something back.
insisted he tell her
mind.
He
his obsessions.
He
what was on
money if he didn't. Max broke down and described
was wasting At
it
his
his
thought that by relieving himself of these ideas, he could get
back on the track of
his analysis.
But
it
did not work.
He
felt
driven to repeat over and over again these images. Finally,
147
JOE FRANK Bronfman said, "We are at an impasse. Your obsession about my husband is inhibiting treatment. It seems useless to continue under these circumstances." Dr.
That
night,
He opened bought
it
a
when Max came home, he went desk drawer and stared
during the
riots that
As the upheaval spread from would be
It
He
had
followed the King assassination. city to city,
a reign of terror, the
the vengeful urban poor.
into the study.
at his old pistol.
he believed there
country overrun by armies of
would usher
in a
dark age more
terrifying than any period in history.
He room.
closed the drawer and walked
He
gazed
a painting.
at Jake's face, still
When hes
asleep,
Max
down
and peaceful and quiet
thought, he looks
The
blanket around Jake's body rose and
ing.
When
him
it
his
Jake began to whimper,
was only
a
dream. Jake
the hall to his son's
fell
fell
like
as
angel.
with his breath-
Max woke him
back
an
and told
to sleep again,
one of
hands sticking out from under the covers, palm up, fingers
slightly curled,
each ringer like the petal of
148
a flower.
The Decline of Spengler:
A Radio
Play
K
offman died today during surgery
from
his thighs.
I
to
remember when we
from Palestine. Gazing about us
at
remove first
fatty deposits
met on the
smug, well-dressed
flight
tourists
with expensive cameras, digital watches, calculators, and electronic beepers,
the world of
we agreed
its
that science
gods, religions,
its
had deprived most of
sense of meaning and
permanence. Dostoevsky, Hoffman added, had seen the emptiness inherent in atheistic materialism
vances in technology that would
and had opposed ad-
"lull the
sleep of material comfort, thus depriving
human it
soul into a
of a tragic sense
of life." I
looked out the window. Light and dark came out of the
149
JOE FRANK sky,
I
across
said. it.
The awe
The
moon, and the
sun, the
Nourishing
rain fell
from
it.
stars
made
Rainbows
way
their
glorified
it.
with which ancient peoples had looked upon these
phenomena was
Rooted
reflected in their religions.
home
ground, they saw the sky as the
to the
of angels and gods.
I
recalled Elijah ascending in his chariot of fire; Icarus, his wings
beating, rising heavenward.
who were
sengers, ers,
We
looked back
the other pas-
at
reading catalogs, listening to cassette play-
playing cards, and talking
.
.
and we drank
.
a toast to
the past.
Precooked chickens
in
wine sauce were served.
gazing at the stewardesses,
They brought
who were glamorous and
whom
When
Hoffman unfastened
one of them went
his seat belt
unlocked the cubicle, he forced
He
fell off,
were
their
was bored, he
way
and
— against
— her arm dropped out of
and he found himself holding
her.
As she
closing the door
in,
told her,
in-
bathroom,
into a
and followed
his
the brief struggle that followed
canned music
as if we
they cared for with a steadfast, though
discriminate, love.
behind him.
friendly.
us desserts, mints, coffee, magazines, pillows,
and blankets. They smiled, leaning over us children,
We ate them
lonely, too. In
background of
a
socket, her head
its
a starched
empty
uni-
form, screws, nuts, bolts, coils of tubing and electrical wiring scattered on the floor.
He hurriedly cleaned
thing into the towel dispenser
.
.
.
up, stuffing every-
then returned
to his seat,
shaken. Later,
we were
told
it
was time
dimmed. People adjusted back, closed
my
their
evening movie: a
for the
popular children's adventure set in Berlin
in 1936.
headphones.
eyes, and tried to sleep
150
.
.
I
.
The
tilted
my
lights
chair
THE DECLINE OF SPENGLER / heard a fist beating on the front door bed. I
put on my robe and
hand,
made my way
and lifted myselffrom
was
into the foyer. I
exhausted.
the
in
my
But I was
the
slippers and, with the oil
lamp
and had no choice but to answer the door, up my team of horses, climb into my wagon, and ride, sometimes
only doctor in the district hitch
for days, through a labyrinth of cobblestone roads until I finally
my journey's end. And by that time the patient had usuand been buried so long ago that he was now but a dim
reached ally
died
memory.
me stood a man
I unbolted the door. Before
were spoken, clothes.
and I hurried back
into the
Soon I was racing along
cracking
and
the cries of the
began the ascent into the
in
a
bedroom
to
carriage. I could hear
coachman urging
hills
A few words change into my
in livery.
the horses on.
I looked back, as
As we
iffor the last time,
'An operation must be performed
at the sleeping village.
a whip
tonight.
"
What had the coachman meant? I was bewildered yet felt, somehow, a
sense of elation.
The carriage passed over a bridge
a palace. I was led through up a marble
staircase.
and drew to a halt in front of down a long corridor, and
the entrance,
The coachman halted at an engraved oak
He knocked. A feeble voice calledfor us to enter. I walked into the room. An old man was lying in a huge, canopied bed. He was bald, toothless. His fingers trembled with palsy. He looked up at me door.
with
a not
I put
my
water.
unfriendly smile. Then he lifted
satchel
The old
beside the
man
reached into the bag, drew out
and stared at them coachman told me to take off my clothes.
instruments one by one, the
a rag and retched into
it.
bed and calledfor a basin of warm
down
151
my
surgical
with fascination. Then
JOE FRANK 2
A few
Hoffman's funeral was modest.
people came to the
chapel for a brief eulogy, then drove out to the cemetery. Earlier in the day, I'd visited Hoffman's apartment. In his
map
journal I'd found a
where, according
of Florida with Xs marking spots
to different legends, the
The
might be hidden.
Dreamland, the amusement park also read
transplants,
prolong
in
Hoffman's notes on the
life.
obsession.
gazed out
and
Orlando, were cited.
I'd
latest
advances
in
organ
deep freezing, and high-speed space travel to I was surprised. I'd had no idea of Hoffman's
We at
Fountain of Youth
Fort Lauderdale,
Everglades,
gathered around the grave, by the ocean.
I
the old people on the beach.
BORIS. Nice
day,
huh?
JACOB.
Last week there was BORIS. What day was that?
a
wonderful day.
ESTHER. Wednesday. JACOB. Yes, Wednesday. BORIS. There was no day last week JACOB. Not a cloud in the sky.
ESTHER. Did you BORIS. Too
ESTHER.
sit
that
was
nice.
outside?
cold.
wasn't
It
cold
too
on Wednesday.
I
know
that.
BORIS. You don't know today
—
this
ESTHER.
is .
a .
.
.
.
anything.
Now
this
week
.
Yes, this
is
what you
152
call a
perfect day.
THE DECLINE OF SPENGLER The morning
after
Hoffman's funeral,
I
boarded
a boat for
We made our way slowly through a swamp choked with vegetation, great
a tour of the Everglades.
bubbling,
winged
frothing
lizards
hovering above us.
We
passed villages of semi-
submerged dwellings where Indians
sat in
water up to their
shoulders baking bread and assembling parts of tropical
Others tended herds of sheep and cows. But
swamp,
difficult in the
entire families
engaged
fish.
was very
this
in treading
water and holding animals above their heads to prevent them
from drowning.
A few days location
later,
I
took a bus to Fort Lauderdale, the second
marked on Hoffman's map.
I
arrived during the
Aryan
The hotels were filled with European and AmerThe theme of the conference was the evolving
Convention.
ican delegates.
history of tions,
Western
civilization.
attended lectures, exhibi-
I
and meetings. Each evening's entertainment was
orable:
Monday
night
it
New
was the
mem-
York Philharmonic;
Tuesday evening, the Royal Shakespeare Company; Wednesand Barnum
day, the entire Ringling Brothers
& Bailey Circus
performed; Thursday, the Ice Capades; and, on Friday, the highlight of the series, an epic film of Alpine vistas, with stretches of fragrant pine trees
and chalets
.
.
.
cattle grazing in
flaming Alpine flowers
.
.
.
.
.
.
picturesque farmhouses
open meadows
surfaces reflected towering mountain peaks.
on
for hours,
but no one was allowed
.
.
fields of
The
film
went
to leave.
The following day was devoted to a demonstration of weapA bomb went off, and the next thing I knew it was dusk, was lying on a merry-go-round in Miami Beach, my pockets
ons. I
.
and lakes whose perfect, glasslike
153
JOE FRANK had been turned inside out, and
I
was wearing
a pair of fishnet
stockings and pumps.
ARNOLD.
DR.
First,
we
not coagulate the blood ... clear soups
posed
.
.
.
to
raw vegetables
.
.
.
—
we call them as opwe frown on. Then, we female patient in the human cen-
which, of course,
place a male patient and a fill
.
"fast-moving foods,"
to fast foods,
trifuge,
prescribe a diet of foods that do
fruit juice ..
them chock
seek fulfillment
of fast-moving foods, and ask
them
each other as the centrifuge revolves.
in
And we have found
full
that the combination of fast-moving foods
and centrifugal force
clears not only their blood vessels
and
arteries, but also their nasal passages, the pupils of their eyes,
and their
hair
seems
to take
on
a remarkable, lustrous quality.
Now, although this lasts only for as long as they're in the some patients become mildly addicted to centrif-
centrifuge,
ugal activity. In fact, a few houses have been built that are
revolving modules in which one gets accustomed to living
with constant centrifugal force.
A murder has been the case myself.
ments of wood, a few in the
committed. The trial is in progress. I prosecute
The evidence nails,
— a cup of vinegar,
some
and a pair of sandals —
thorns, frag-
lies
on a table
courtroom I cross-examine four witnesses Each presents dam.
.
aging testimony against the defendant, who, wearing a black hat and
a caftan,
studies
a
legal tome.
that disturbs me. Rather, sorcerers, prophets,
of
murder
himself.
But it isn't the defendant's scholarship
it is the jury
and holy men
— a motley group of shamans,
— each one awaiting
Every morning
trial on charges
they are led into the
courtroom
chained together. They have the wasted, faraway look offanatics. To
154
THE DECLINE OF SPEXGLER make matters
worse, the judge seems to have withdrawn into his
own
world. Every few minutes he looks up, inquires as to the correct
reminded of the general nature of the case before him,
time, asks to be
and calls a out.
recess to
have
The attending nurse
That
night,
bag attached to
the plastic rolls his
at the dinner
his
body flushed
wheelchair from the room.
table, I
trapped in a nightmare. The case
is
dont know what hopeless.
Tm
to do.
The months of
inter-
views, of compiling evidence, of exhaustive research, have been in
vain. I sip
them with
my soup and eat two spongy dumplings. I bend over
difficulty,
from my lap — and
to
After swallowing
pick up the napkin that has fallen
my father sprawled in the hallway between the bedroom and the kitchen. His pajama pants have been drawn down to his ankles, and lying beside him is a pair of pruning shears I can barely stifle my laughter.
See her every
notice
day.
Plump
figure.
Struts around pool in bikini
Husband, former
Wears too much makeup.
and spiked heels. About
scholar, suffered stroke, paralyzing
fifty.
one side
Once pompous, he's grown meek since Speaks humbly now, sputtering from a corner of
of face and body. illness.
mouth. Watching bubbles of
saliva bursting
the urge to break into gales of laughter.
gering.
Plies
me
grit
his lips,
my
I
his
feel
teeth.
meet, her
lips lin-
with questions about Hoffman's mono-
graphs and early plays.
was he going
I
me whenever we
She's friendly. Kisses
on
his
to write
Where did he get his ideas? What next? Then she tells me stories of
their encounters, during
which 155
I
feel constrained to laugh.
JOE FRANK
my
twisting
ing
face into a smile,
my
lungs mirthlessly explod-
air.
One pool,
afternoon, standing at
my window
overlooking the
watch her perform the Australian crawl. She swims
I
slowly and self-consciously, her hands gently dipping in the water.
She climbs
out, sits
on the steps
and removes her cap. Her dyed blond
down
to her shoulders.
stretches
We
—
She
tilts
at the
— and
notices me.
each other.
A few minutes later, still wearing her bikini, she my doorway smelling of a perfume that makes my weak. Gazing
at
are swollen,
and
few nights
I
She
I
me
them
script.
I
but with what}
make
reach in
in cutting
my
my
finger
hair,
in
her tears,
kissing
them and
try to read the label
I
pocket
for
my
glasses but succeed only
on the jagged edge of
a lens.
at
dawn
to collect
passion to find old bones.
them up
in
fossils,
find saber-toothed tiger remains, parts of mas-
todon skulls, ancient shark teeth.
on the sand
on the
out the words scrawled in a microscopic
There's a beach on the Gulf Coast scattered with
where you can
think
see her kneeling before her husband's
wiping them off with strands of her bottle, but can't
I
her glands
her bosom.
stare, distracted, at
later,
tells
wheelchair in the moonlight, bathing his feet
anointing
stands in
knees go
her through undulating waves of heat,
she's describing the onset of fever.
A
tumbling
her face to the sun, then
a lithesome, catlike uncoiling
stare at
shallow end,
hair bursts out,
books
The
them.
retired It's
They save them,
to figure
people go out
their
consuming
catalog them, look
out what they are, photograph
156
THE DECLINE OF SPENGLER them, mail the photographs back and
write learned
forth,
notes, form societies.
BORIS.
JACOB.
It
must be
BORIS. See tell.
When
JACOB.
at least
ninety today.
Yeah, the humidity
is
high.
the sweat on the plants? That's
how you
can
the plants start to sweat. I
didn't say they were rain clouds, Boris.
I
said
the humidity
BORIS. Are you deaf? I'm
telling
you that sometimes
it
can be a perfectly clear day and there will be high humidity
.
.
.
that's all
I'm saying.
/ woke up in a study.
The walls were lined with rows of old
and ancient scrolls. A lamp on the desk glowed dimly. and walked to the window. In the reflection I saw a bearded, middle-aged man with earlocks, wearing a black coat and hat. What's going on? I thought. What's happened to me? I threw the hat across the room and tugged at my beard, a shower of flaky crumbs falling at my feet, but it would not come loose. Then I ran toward the bathroom, unbuttoning my coat, hoping to find a razor. The voice of my housekeeper, Hilda, brought me back to my senses. "Just slide it under the door, " / called. manuscripts
I lifted myself from the floor
The
letter
was
bursting point.
and
terse.
Vd
The camps
—
steadily filling
up
been commissioned to design the
— were at
adjoining furnaces. The blueprints were long overdue.
157
the
new chambers There
JOE FRANK was no more time to be wasted. I must,
therefore, catch the next train
for headquarters with whatever designs missal
and a departmental
himself. I
The
Td completed,
letter
my uniform and had Hilda
The train was
minutes early
thirty
call
me a
Then
cab.
I thought, of
The men of the railroad
raised to the level of paradox.
to the future.
The car was crowded with men, women,
and children who were to the hum
no one could move. I listened
in so tightly that
of their conversation, which seemed in
and stared
the wastebasket.
—an example,
should be congratulated for their devotion
wedged
or face dis-
was signed by Kummel
read it over again and dropped it in
I changed into
efficiency
trial.
an
ancient, guttural tongue,
uneasily through the mist of cigarette smoke.
The rhythmic clicking of the
rails
made me drowsy.
I congratulated
myself on having found a safe niche in the corner, on the floor, which
was covered with straw and random mounds commuter
outrage, of course, that level.
Then
couldn
t
it
occurred to
remember,
mind, I thought.
Tm
bound for districts
me
either,
that I
when
was an
didnt know where I was
going.
I
T d boarded the train Tm losing my .
so far gone that
in which I
of manure. It
service should deteriorate to this
dont
Tve
live.
taken to boarding trains
And as
if
that weren't
bad
Tve selected an overcrowded car with no windows,
with straw
for seats, and piles of dung that are attracting horseflies by
the dozens.
enough,
I woke up in a shower room. I was sprawled in an entangled pile of bodies. I peered out and saw
a young man loading a wheelbarrow
with the dead. I allowed myself to be tossed, like a doll, into the
barrow. With
my arm
to the trench. It
trailing in the dirt, I enjoyed the
reminded me dimly of wagon
was dumped on a heap
of corpses, then searched for
a friend or an acquaintance. I saw
bumpy
ride
rides in childhood. I
a familiar face,
the violinist, Jakov, lying nearby,
158
THE DECLINE OF SPENGLER his
arms and
legs
twisted grotesquely. Next to him I recognized
streetcar conductor with
whom Fd sometimes
work. The man, after pleading with the guards, to keep his cap,
which was
still set
There didn't seem to be anyone
who resembled Rothstein, with
famous
actresses
else
had
a to
been allowed
at a rakish angle on his head. I knew, except for the fat
man
rumored to have had affairs
the financier,
and
my way
talked on
opera singers.
He
and my former
looked flushed
bloated, as if he might burst. I began to search for Rachel,
neighbor Holstein's wife. Sometimes in the drawing room of her
husband's apartment we'd flirted
But
Vd always
wanted
together. It
had come
to nothing.
her naked. I scanned the bodies but
to see
could not find her.
That night I climbed over
and
the side of the trench
traveled north, toward the Alps
Weeks
.
of the Redeemer, the Chosen One.
later,
When
escaped. I
I arrived at the retreat
night fell I climbed over the
wall, cut through barbed wire, crawled past machine gun artillery,
and antiaircraft installations.
Messiah planting
MESSIAH.
nests,
In the backyard I found the
trees in the moonlight.
Here, give
me a hand.
DON'T STAND THERE! YOU'RE STEPPING ON ONE OF MY SEEDS! WATCH WHAT YOU DO, YOU FOOL! Forgive me. You look awful. What's happened as
if you
to
you? You look
haven't slept for days.
HOW DARE YOU APPEAR BEFORE ME
IN THESE RAGS? LOOK AT YOURSELF! ITS A DISGRACE! ITS
OUTRAGEOUS! I'm
sorry. I forgot
you came here on your own, through all
endless obstacles. I apologize.
At
times, even I
159
am
only
these
human.
JOE FRANK DR. ARNOLD. Beach
is
We
have found that the
remarkably conducive
buried up to his neck
to all
here in Palm
soil
kinds of growth.
A patient
garden, for example, his scalp
in a small
carefully watered and tended
We have also buried people — although We have buried them head first and found
DR. AINSLEY. not in that way.
that people will relax in garden soil.
upon something you didn't
I
think you've stumbled
people
realize: that
will relax in
soil.
ARNOLD.
DR.
ularly peaceful,
Yes. This
and while
just limited to the scalp.
true.
is
They become
growth does occur,
hair
might add that
I
has nothing to do with the
soil
itself.
by the time people reach the age of enough. So rather than being oration,
it's
really
"I'm not going
emotional.
is
not
hearing
loss of
happens because they've heard
sixty,
symptom
a
much more
to listen
It
partic-
it
of physical deteriIt's
people saying,
anymore because everything
I
hear
upsets me."
I
read Hoffman's journal every night.
Book
III
began with the question:
think of this?"
was the outline
And what did
I
"I
think of
for a play.
160
The
first
entry of
wonder what it? I
they'll
didn't know.
It
THE DECLINE OF SPENGLER
THE LOST MAN The is
The atmosphere
production takes place in a church.
heavily religious
— resounding organ music,
heavy odor of
incense, a collection box passed from bench to bench.
Act
I
The
we
curtains part and
fitfully in his
and walks
find Poole, the film critic, tossing
bed. Unable to sleep, he
to his desk.
He
sits
old review. Gazing dully at
it,
lifts
himself wearily
down and thumbs through an he's startled
by the whistle of
a passing train.
The
curtains close. Act
I
has been completed in just forty
seconds. During the intermission, the audience
handed out and eaten, the
is
served
bit-
unleavened bread, and sacramental wine. While the
ter herbs,
food
is
actor
who
plays the part of
Poole enters the church unnoticed, finds an unoccupied seat,
and
falls
Act
II
asleep.
Poole awakens,
now
a
observed him on stage. sighs. is
The house
lights
member of the audience that just He yawns, stretches his arms, and
dim, the curtains
part,
and
a
movie
projected on a screen.
The ing
up
film in
is
man who one summer
about
a field
a
161
has lost his
memory. Wak-
afternoon, wearing only a
JOE FRANK gown and
he cannot
a pair of sandals,
recall
anything about
his past.
MAN. Who am I? What is this place? Peasant woman, have me before? PEASANT WOMAN. What? You? No. MAN. I don't look familiar to you? PEASANT WOMAN. No, I don't think you ever came
you ever seen
through these parts before.
MAN. Thank He makes
you.
Maybe
I'll
try
down
the valley.
the rounds of local police stations and missing
persons bureaus, vainly looking through to identify himself.
moving from
in
Then he wanders
village to village,
vaguely familiar
to
ask them
if
files
of photographs
across the countryside,
stopping people
who
look
they recognize him.
MAN. I was wondering. Do you know who I am? SHOPKEEPER. No, who are you, anyway? MAN. Well, that's exactly the problem. SHOPKEEPER. You don't know who you are? In the course of his travels, he has a series of adventures
with lepers and cripples, the
hem
HANS.
of his
all
of whom he manages to cure with
skirt.
(Ringing
MAN. Excuse
Make way. Lepers. Do I look familiar?
bell)
me.
MARIE. No, I'm sorry. HANS. I don't think I've
Beware.
seen you before, either.
162
THE DECLINE OF SPENGLER MAN.
you both.
(Sighs) Bless
(Harp
glissando)
HANS. What's happened? MARIE. Look, Hans! Your nose it's coming back! HANS. Marie, your scars are gone. You look so beautiful.
—
Oh, thank you,
sir.
MARIE. Thank you kindly. HANS. It's a miracle! Finally, sitting
on
He
is
own name. He He does not know where
know
his
going.
in this
tion
the edge of a dirt road, he
at
does not
know where he came from. And he does not know, moreover, what he
does not
he
fence
a
reviews his situation.
dismal film, so heavily symbolic,
and estrangement, with
its
is
themes of
doing
aliena-
religious overtones, so painfully
obvious.
NLAX. There must be another way All right.
know what
I
(He shakes
his head, disgusted,
and steps
NL\N. Ladies and gentlemen. sorry to disturb you. But
He
walks up the
rified.
a
art
Luger, and
I
had
its
problem.
I
out of the screen).
can't explain now.
I'm
to leave that film.
impinge
itself
the to
mouth.
POOLE. What have
my
on
is
suddenly
reality.
He
ter-
stands,
fires.
The man moans, crumples to down at the body, which seems from
I
toward Poole. Poole
aisle
He's just seen
draws out
to solve
to do.
done?
163
floor,
and
dies. Poole looks
be deflating, blood running
JOE FRANK Poole races out to the lobby and dashes up a marble staircase to the projection
room. The scene
is
televised and relayed to
the audience through monitors above the stage.
his
The
projec-
boy with pink cheeks and wings, looks up from
tionist, a little
magazine.
POOLE. Excuse me, BOY. Oh,
POOLE.
little
boy supposed
mister. You're not
— Can
you please stop
this
to
be here.
film
and run
it
backwards?
BOY. Huh?
POOLE.
You've got
to reverse the film! It
back into the screen and bring him back
could suck him
to life!
BOY. Gee, mister, I don't know what to do. POOLE. What do you mean, you don't know what
to
do?
Aren't you the projectionist?
BOY.
Sure, but
.
.
.
POOLE. Is there a supervisor or somebody? BOY. Do you want to talk to the manager? POOLE. Yes, the manager. Where is the manager? BOY. Oh,
POOLE.
Well, where
BOY. You the flight of
he's in the manager's office. is
the manager's office?
step out in the hall.
stairs. It's
Make
your
first left.
Go up
about the fourth door
Poole rushes out and begins running up the spiral staircase.
Gasping, he
He
finally reaches the
door of the manager's
knocks. There's no answer.
door swings open.
The room
He
tries
the
office.
knob and the
smells of decay. Poole plunges
forward, his hand clasped over his
164
mouth and
nose, until he
THE DECLINE OF SPENGLER comes upon the carcass of an his eyes and mouth open. Downstairs
in
old
down
breaks
still lies
Act
A small
aisle.
crowd
Someone
down
now assured
an actor playing a
is
that positive action
is
call
role.
being taken,
to the last act.
III
We dials
the
sobbing, another cries shrilly for an ambulance,
audience,
settles
in
floor,
out to the lobby yelling, "Find a phone and
the police!" Each one, however,
The
sprawled on the
the theater, the curtains close.
forms around the body, which
a third runs
man
find Poole hermetically sealed in a
numbers and speaks
to people,
but
phone booth. He
we
can't hear any-
thing he says. Perhaps he's consulting his lawyers. Perhaps he's speaking with at
members
of his family. Perhaps he's dialing
random and conversing with anyone who
The audience
is
left in
We
doubt.
expressions and gestures, his
will talk to
can only watch his
him. facial
mouth shaping the contours of
heated discussion progresses on center stage.
dumb show, The panel is
composed of robed clergymen who debate the
responsibility
words we can't quite make out. During Poole's a
for Christ's death.
FATHER BLUNT. Was Christ's he rose again?
It is a difficult
BROTHER THEOBALD. "Though He
rise again,
walk." So you see
it's
be
martyrdom genuine, since
question
in law.
Well, truly, in lines 31-57
He
still
dead,
not born into the
risen later, but actually as
he
rises himself,
165
it
says,
among us He shall man as he will be he proves himself.
JOE FRANK
The argument
soon gets derailed, sliding into tangential
questions concerning celibacy, priestly habit, the superiority of certain wines.
FATHER BLUNT. The BISHOP BOYLAN. anymore. Practice
ideal has always existed.
Ah, yes. But the ideal has no meaning
is all.
What are we here
BROTHER THEOBALD.
for if not to practice?
Brothers, this
is
not a discussion
of Platonic concepts.
BISHOP BOYLAN.
Precisely.
BROTHER THEOBALD. This
is
a question,
if
a
It's
man be
not a question of the caves.
risen,
can he be said to be a
martyr?
BISHOP BOYLAN.
Yes, Doctor O'Malley was right
he said that martyrs cannot exist
when
they do not enter into the
if
mainstream of civilization. So, when we are spoken of as of the cloth,
men
think the tailoring of our habits should be
I
considered as important as the tailoring of our ideals.
BROTHER THEOBALD. Man
is
known by
the raiment
he doth put on.
FATHER BLUNT. ex vestitu. Or, if
you
Indeed. will,
one who goes without
what they called
It is
vestitus sine vestitu in
cloth.
illustratio
the case of
So we must be with the cloth
and of the cloth
BISHOP BOYLAN.
Yes, by the cloth, of the
BROTHER THEOBALD. And we
through the cloth
I
think
shall succeed.
BISHOP BOYLAN. My are
cloth—
wine
stains
all
goodness, just look at you! There
over your cassock!
166
It's
an abomination!
Why
THE DECLINE OF SPEXGLER in the
world don't you get those wash-and-wear cassocks we've
spoken of so often?
BROTHER THEOBALD. BISHOP BOYLAN. You
Father,
Fm
not so vain as
to—
are a pig.
BROTHER THEOBALD. You are an idolator! FATHER BLUNT. You can't tell a Chateauneuf-du-Pape from sherry.
BISHOP BOYLAN. A wine with
castic
Chateauneuf-du-Pape
a terribly bitter aftertaste
is
and
a
very
a
not very
sar-
confident bouquet.
BROTHER THEOBALD. A
wine of very small nose and
of presumption.
BISHOP BLUNT.
I
take offense—
BROTHER THEOBALD. The file
audience,
at first
out of the theater.
It
has no finesse!
intrigued but
The
who, unable
bored, begins to
remaining few are rewarded
their patience with an organ recital. The clerics,
now
to reason
for
music drowns out the
any longer, engage
in a violent
struggle for dominance. Poole bursts out laughing. Perhaps he
has just heard something witty over the phone. Perhaps he
is
amused by the
at
priests' slaughter.
the awful silence of the universe. his
Perhaps he
We watch
him
is
laughing
grip his belly,
body bent forward, shoulders jerking convulsively, tears down his face which is buried now in his cupped
—
streaming
hands
—
SICK
as the curtain slowly closes.
WOMAN
(through telephone). Hello.
DOCTOR AINSLEY.
Hello.
167
JOE FRANK
SICK
WOMAN.
Doctor, listen.
DOCTOR AINSLEY. SICK
WOMAN.
Yes.
I'm wearing
a
neck brace.
DOCTOR AINSLEY. Yes. SICK WOMAN. had a freak accident. DOCTOR AINSLEY. Uh huh. SICK WOMAN. When bent down. And my I
bones are
I
twisted on the left side.
DOCTOR AINSLEY. Uh huh. WOMAN. I'm on Valium all the time. DOCTOR AINSLEY. Yes. SICK WOMAN. Because have fast heartbeats SICK
I
hundred and
thirty-five beats a
of a
minute.
DOCTOR AINSLEY. Yes. SICK WOMAN. Which means my
heart could burst and
I
could drop dead of a heart attack.
DOCTOR AINSLEY. SICK WOMAN. It's
Well, what exactly .
.
.
ahh
.
.
.
is
breathing
the problem? .
.
heavy on
.
the chest.
DOCTOR AINSLEY. Uh huh. SICK WOMAN. And a very nervous stomach. DOCTOR AINSLEY. Yes. Go on. SICK WOMAN. And start to sweat and feel I
it's
hot
when
not.
DOCTOR AINSLEY. Uh
huh.
not. SICK WOMAN. And feel cold when DOCTOR AINSLEY. Uh huh. Yes. Go on. SICK WOMAN. And think like I'm dying and it's
I
I
would die
to
end
I
wish
I
it all.
DOCTOR AINSLEY.
Well, we're going to have to
168
move
THE DECLINE OF SPENGLER along.
I
appreciate your calling, but
the problem,
we
BORIS. Ahh. BORIS. No,
you can't narrow
in
on
can hardly give you an answer.
Beautiful day!
JACOB. Do you want one want
if
I
to play a little canasta?
don't like canasta.
How
about bridge? Any-
to play bridge?
JACOB.
It's a
BORIS. And
boring game.
canasta isn't?
JACOB. Canasta's got a little life ... a ESTHER. What's wrong with bridge? JACOB. I told you. It's dull. ESTHER. I've got a headache. JACOB. If only the humidity would let
little
spunk.
up.
BORIS. What do you mean? There's no humidity.
It's a
perfectly clear day.
ESTHER. You BORIS. No.
He
don't have any trouble with your sinuses?
My
sinuses are perfect.
I
just
went
to the
have the heart and lungs of
a twenty-five-
ESTHER. So how long do you think you're JACOB. Everything else is falling apart.
going to live?
doctor.
said
I
year-old man.
BORIS.
If
I
die tomorrow,
I'll still
have better lungs than
you do.
/ was a brilliant scholar, well versed in the subtleties of the
and the complexities
of the
Kabbalah
169
.
Yet I
Gemara
remained a troubled man
,
JOE FRANK bewildered about the course
and purpose
of
my
life.
One
evening,
while contemplating suicide, I overheard two students speak fervently
man possessed the and see for myself if the master's I put on my hat, my coat, packed
of the Zaddik of Rome. Perhaps this famous wise
answers I needed. I decided
to
go
teachings justified his reputation.
an overnight bag, and traveled on foot to Rome. When
I reached the
Zaddik *s house andfinally stood before him, I waitedfor the Zaddik to
speak profoundly. But the Zaddik only told me that once a surgeon
was
called to
him. After I took a
a great house where an operation was performed on
this,
he dismissed me.
room for
the night at
a
local inn.
The following evening I again went
would hear something
tonight I
to the
Zaddik 's house. Surely
But
of the master's wisdom.
all the
Zaddik told me was that once a famous prosecutor found himself guilty as charged.
know what
I did not
When bill,
to
make
of these parables.
I returned to the inn, I collected
and
my
belongings,
hired a driver for the journey home.
paid
We would
the
start as
soon as the weather cleared. But around midnight, as the full moon appeared, a to visit the
received
me
man from
the
Zaddik burst
Zaddik immediately. I in his study.
left
in with
He told me that a great engineer awoke
evening in just such a room,
and that upon
rising
a mirror, he found himself transformed into a dispatch slipped under his door brought letter
a message. I was
at once. This time the Zaddik
holy
him back
to his senses.
requested his immediate departure for headquarters
the next train that
himself trapped in
eluded death
and
passed through
his provincial
a car crowded with
refugees.
one
and gazing into man. An official
.
He caught
town only
He
The
to
find
miraculously
escaped by cutting his way through barbed wire.
170
THE DECLINE OF SPENGLER Then he traveled north until he reached the retreat of the Messiah,
who was planting Bewildered by
absurd and extraordinary
Why are you
me
telling
story, I interrupted
this?' Staring fiercely at me,
Zaddik removed his outer garment, revealing an S.S. uniform,
and announced scornfully to
this
iC
the Zaddik. the
trees in the moonlight.
placed me under arrest. Two soldiers entered and took me
a van parked at
was forced was
off the road, I
the
was rescued
way
van
to the prison, the
by the underground,
and
I
Zaddik of Rome, who, disguised as a Nazi
was vacationing
When we
But on
the curb.
taken to the real
officer,
He
himself as Captain Kreitz of the Secret Police.
reached the
in Palermo.
Zaddik 's house and I finally stood before
the
— resplendent in a black uniform with a death's head, crossbones, and an Iron Cross — / waited for the Zaddik utter his master
to
teachings so that I might weigh them.
that once
a surgeon was
the
Zaddik only told me
a great house where an operation
called to
was performed on him. After
But
this,
he dismissed me.
I took a room at a local inn. All night long I labored at the
my drawing
blueprints for the chambers on
The next evening I again went
to the
board.
Zaddik
}
s house.
But
all the
Zaddik told me was that once a famous prosecutor found himself guilty as charged.
I did not
know what
When I returned bill,
and caught
MESSIAH. rust
.
.
.
.
.
Little by
.
of these parables.
to the inn, I collected
the next train
paints peel off
gums bleed
make
to
little, .
.
teeth rot
for
.
.
.
time
arteries .
my
belongings,
paid
the
Berlin.
harden
lovers leave
171
our
kills all
.
.
.
.
.
.
Pipes
illusions.
brains soften
friends flee
.
.
.
.
.
.
JOE FRANK What has become
the firm bright tree of
A
We are no longer firm bright apples on We are a mess of rotting applesauce.
of us? life.
change has come over the world. Dark thoughts are born. Dark
deeds ripen in the midst of their vapors. The eye of shines on us.
burned-out
Where once
it
shone there
is
nothing
God no
longer
now but an
empty,
socket.
I'll buy a gas station or open a small Tampa. I'll marry an attractive divorcee
beauty products
in
department
a
TV
—
shop
repair
who
a clerk
sells
She'll be tired of
store.
sleeping with people in motels that are so well
lit
outside
you can never get the room dark enough. She'll marry because
she'll
want
home
a stable
life.
in
We'll
me
the back-
sit in
yard of our trailer on those chairs with straps on them, next to a
chipped birdbath. We'll grow old together. Then, one
day,
I'll
hook
a
get a hernia
when I'm
cinderblock.
I'll
fishing in
my
small boat and
develop prostate trouble and get
cancer of the nose. She'll become religious. She'll turn to Jesus
— who has snake
hips,
is
quite lean, blond, a pretty
surfer, has a beautiful tenor voice, plays the
and would be
a
fair
pedal steel guitar,
very fine dirt-bike scrambler except for his
robes. She'll go to church wearing a shiny blue suit with
around the neck, gloves,
And
a hat
with a
little
bunch of cherries,
frills
a purse,
and sensible shoes. there will be no scroll in our doorway
totemic pink flamingo,
made
.
.
.
only the
of plaster of Paris, on our front
lawn.
172
THE DECLINE OF SPENGLER
Cleaned out Hoffman's apartment. Gave most of longings to local charities. Kept a prayer shawl,
his be-
some books
of mysticism and poetry, a ram's horn, and a Bible. Also un-
covered, in the back of his closet, a neatly folded black uniform, a riding crop, boots, and a cap with the insignia of a lightning bolt.
Hoffman's journal closed with
amusement park
the
in
a description of
Orlando.
The work
Dreamland,
going on
the
at
space center there, he wrote, was extremely promising. In fact,
ship,
he'd booked himself on the inaugural
rumored
to
the ticket in the back of the journal.
and see
flight
its
.
.
.
platform.
speech of
concessions.
A
crowd
I
decided
I
rocket
found
to drive
up
is
Then
I
I
pass rides
.
.
.
see the spaceship poised on
gathered around
listening to the
it,
a tour guide.
TOUR GUIDE. was the legend of
What a
and fortune hunters, here
its
for myself.
In Dreamland. Strolling along the midway.
exhibits
of
be capable of unprecedented speed.
in search
first
attracted explorers to Florida
Fountain of Youth. Soon, entrepreneurs as well as the old, sick,
of the restorative spring.
never discovered. But
and dying, came
The
Fountain was
in its place a rocketship has
that can transcend the speed of light
process. Tickets are available in both
173
been
built
and reverse the aging
first
class
and coach.
.
.
.
JOE FRANK give Hoffman's ticket to the guard at the gate, walk up
I
the ramp, and enter.
STEWARDESS.
Flight 66
now ready
is
Please check that your seat belt
is
for
departure.
securely fastened and your
seat upright for lift-off.
MISSION CONTROL. Launch .
.
.
three
.
.
.
two
.
.
.
one
.
.
.
sequence. Five
.
.
.
four
ignition.
BLAST OFF We've crash-landed in a swamp. The ship is a smoking ruin. We spend most of our time jumping from behind rocks, springing out of trees, emerging from holes in the ground, and dragging ancient and useless electrical household appliances
behind
us.
We've
Yes, hundreds of years have passed into the future.
learned there was a war, concussions from nuclear explosions altering the earth's axis, causing the polar icecaps to melt,
flooding coastal areas so that
members of our group ied three
hundred
New
originally migrated to Florida,
feet
under the ocean,
and out of the windows of the
And now
the
and Women.
members
We
York, from which so
fishes
many
was bur-
swimming
in
city.
of our expedition serve as Wise
Men
write histories, books on ancient technology,
and go on long hikes
in the
mountains, through
fields
of flam-
some
and
a pair of
ing Alpine flour, a cup of vinegar,
thorns,
sandals, and I dreamt I woke up dreaming again, or was I still awake dreaming I was asleep under a fountain with a tank of ice water, a spout, and a dispenser with paper cups, thinking:
Listen, just bring
me
a mint, coffee,
174
and
a pillow,
and
I'll
try
THE DECLINE OF SPENGLER Do
to relax.
you have any Dramamine?
depth. You don't
see,
my problem
know whether
is
—
or
Miami,
for that
matter
think I'm out of
—
I
a point of is
glorious.
the history, the sheer incoherence of
fossils,
go
my
to a funeral
demonstrate
to laugh, cry, or
rangements. I've failed to adopt tine
I
whenever
I
floral ar-
view over Pales-
The
shrines, the
form of
a
it all is
amnesia, like being trapped in a burning temple wearing a pair of shorts
me
.
and suspenders and performing
dance,
folk .
.
thinking:
look
me up
in
Help
books
me
.
to find
.
.
save
out
who
in a traditional
me /
.
am
.
catalog
.
.
.
.
what
and I'll say, "Thank you. Thank you very Vve done much. Very nice of you. I appreciate it. I really do. You have .
a
.
kind heart.
.
A
good
soul.
I
won't forget
175
this.
Ever again."
(continued from front flap)
Frank's world, such as the "Fat of meaningfulness:
Man," can only
dream
"You know, when the
life
I've led,
I
I
think about myself
feel self-loathing,
waste and a failure. imagine myself as a character in a novel well, I think I'm pretty interesting, kind of disgust. I'm a
and
shame, and But when I .
.
.
off-
beat, intriguing, entertaining."
For years, Joe Frank's broadcasts have invited millions of listeners to the strange world
of his
mesmerizing
stories. In this, his first
book, Frank effortlessly segues to the printed page and imparts a new resonance to his narrative inventions.
Radio dramatist Joe Frank has achieved a cult following with his evening broadcasts from KCRW in Los Angeles, on NPR, and with his stage work. He lives in Los Angeles. Jacket design by Russell
Gordon Zacharow
Jacket illustration by Christopher
William Morrow & Company, Inc. 1350 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY.
10019
Printed in U.S.A.
"Joe Frank's stories are just as spellbinding on the page as they were coming out of my radio, but now I no longer have to tape them to enjoy them a second time." Edward Sorel, cartoonist, The New Yorker
—
"Joe Frank plumbs the cultural subconscious for the subtlest, funniest and just plain weirdest monologues on the airwaves."
"A combination monologist-philosopher-black comic-shrink, Frank strips away radio's genteel veneer of good vibes and exposes the private fears that plague us all."
— Los Angeles
Times
explore scenes that are so squea"Frank's monologues intimate, that listening to harrowingly personal, so mishly them is akin to reading the journal of a close friend and discovering things you'd rather not have known." .
.
.
— L.A.
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