Istvan Orkeny - One Minute Stories (1)

istavan orkeny one minute stories

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Budapest, Corvina, 1994 Selected & translated by Judith Sollosy 1994

Contents handling instructions life should be so simple harem an act of kindness public opinion survey one minute biography a number of variations on the theme of self-realization in memoriam dr. H.G.K. the grotesque (a practical approach) memoirs of a puddle

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has anyone seen…? message found afloat in a bottle so much to keep in mind incident we’re a small nation the last cherry pit tulip in crisis thoughts from the cellar honeymooners on flypaper ballad about the magic of poetry a bright and distant future budapest in memoriam dr. h.g.k. folklore our sons gli ungheresi

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handling instructions Despite their brevity, the stories in this book have a certain amount of literary merit. They also have the added advantage of saving us time, since they do not require our attention for weeks on end. While the soft-boiled egg is boiling or the number you are dialing answers (provided it is not engaged, of course) you have ample time to read one of these short stories which, because of their brevity, I have come to think of as one minute stories. You can read them whatever your mood, whether you are sitting down or standing up, in fine weather or foul. They make good reading even on a crowded bus. Most can even be enjoyed on a walk.

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Do pay attention to the titles, though. The author strove for brevity, which put a special burden of responsibility on him when choosing the titles for his stories, of which they form an organic part. Do not stop at the titles, though! First the title, then the story. It's is the only proper manner of handling. Attention! If something is not clear to you, reread the story is question. If it is still not clear to you, dump the story, the fault lies with the author. There are no dim-witted readers, only badly written one-minute stories.

life should be so simple 1. remove fire extinguisher from bracket

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2. open valve 3. approach source of fire 4. extinguish fire 5. close valve 6. replace extinguisher on bracket

harem V.P. had eight wives, but because he never got married in the same part of town twice or made a big fuss about it, he avoided calling attention to himself and the fact that in his humble suburban abode he was in fact keeping a harem. The thing came to light by chance when one of his wives tried to scratch out the eyes of the local policeman, who attempted to

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enlighten her about the proper way of crossing the street. In answer to the official summons, seven women appeared before the judge, one Mrs. V.P. born Jolan Maurer, one Mrs. V.P. born Franciska Titeli, as well as Eleonora Szabo, Mariska Undi, Olga Pipso and Julia Erlich homemakers, plus the bus driver Geza Soborkuti. When confronted with the group, the policeman identified Jolan Maurer as his attacker. The judge stood up, looked over the long line of women, then sat down again. “If you don’t mind me asking,” he asked turning to V.P., “are all those women your wives?” V.P. stood before the women with a long whip in his hand. He used it if they whispered or giggled among themselves or in some other

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manner acted in contempt of court. When he heard the question, he turned to count them. “Actually, Melinda is missing, Your Honor. But she’s on maternity leave. Would you like to see the papers?” “That won’t be necessary,” the judge explained. “My interest is purely personal. Tell me. What is polygamy like?” V.P. pondered for some time before answering. Then he said that polygamy, like anything else, had its ups and downs. “What do all these women do all day?” the judge asked. “Oh, nothing out of the ordinary,” the polygamist said. “They stand in front of the mirror, gossip, bicker, then make friends again.”

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“Is it worth keeping so many wives for that?” the judge asked. “It’s got it good side too,” V.P hastened to reassure him. As he took stock of his wives, he began to list their various advantages. Lorika plays the balalaika, Olga Caroline can do a sword dance. Franci can imitate the murmur of ocean waves. She just takes a blade of grass between her teeth. Every one of his wives knows something to amuse him. Melinda, the one on maternity leave, smells so strongly of raspberries, it makes your head spin. The judge can’t imagine how refreshing that can be on a frosty winter afternoon. “It sounds tempting,” the judge agreed. “However, the must be some drawback to having so many women around.”

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“All the hungry mouths to feed. The panties by the dozen. And shoes and dresses. And it’s no child’s play keeping discipline either!” At that point, V.P. glanced over his shoulder because his words have been disturbed by the sound of the soft, though not unpleasant, lapping of the waves. He cracked his whip, pulling a blade of grass from between the lips of one of his wives. “But you,” the judge said to Geza Soborkuti who stood modestly to one side, “you are not a woman but a man, unless I am very much mistaken.” The bus driver blushed to the roots of his hair. In his embarrassment he drew a book of tickets out of his pocket and began to tear off the leafs one by one, like the petals of a flower.

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“You can tell me,” the judge reassured him. “My authority is restricted to traffic violations.” “I am neither a man nor a woman,” the bus driver said shyly. “I’m a eunuch.” “And the only one to bring home his pay!” V.P. said appreciatively. “I don’t know what we’d do without him.” “I don’t understand,” the judge said. “If you suffer privation because of them, why must you keep so many wives?” “Why?” V.P. asked. “But I spend no more on a woman than the next man.” “Yes. But you do it all at the same time,” the judge pointed out. “Which is no doubt a great burden.” “What can I do?” V.P. pleaded, looking bemused into the distance over the heads of

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his wives. “I love dancing, string instruments, the rhythmic lapping of the waves… I like the house when it is teeming with life, when the faces change, and every moment is different from the one that comes before. Monotony would kill me.” “How beautifully spoken!” said the judge pensively. “You are a true poet.” “Possibly,” V.P. said. Then cracking his whip, he hoarded his wives down the stairs and onto a passing bus.

an act of kindness Across from the head nurse’s room there are some plastic chairs and next to the chairs a white hospital scale. This is where I generally sit after I get my shot to relieve a stubborn cough. It takes me ten minutes to

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recover. These ten minutes pass at a snail’s pace. Though I usually have a book with me I rarely open it. I prefer to spend the time looking. The other day two women came down the corridor. They were rather loud. You could tell that the older of the two, who was wearing a light fur coat, must have been discharged from the hospital just a short time before. For one thing, several patients hurried out of one of the rooms to greet her. They were soon joined by a doctor and a couple of nurses. They all talked at once. Clearly, they were happy to see each other. Even the cleaning lady appeared, smiling in the corner. The reunion took place right in front of me. I don’t know why but I always sit in the chair next to the hospital scales. I like to rest my book on my lap and my foot on the scales.

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I do not wish to make excuses for what I did. From the fact that the woman got on the scales and from the way the others crowded around her it was clear as day she was going to weigh herself. What is more, her weight was obviously not a matter of indifference either to herself or to her numerous companions. I had plenty of time to take my foot from the scales for the woman, once she was on it, proceeded to remove her coat and hand it to her companion. She then explained in great detail that she was wearing exactly the same dress, shoes and hat she wore when she was weighed upon first entering the hospital. She also said that she was in good health, her appetite was excellent, and she had even managed to put on a couple of pounds. I will not attempt to explain why in all that time I did not take my foot off the scales. It would require a detailed character analysis and experience has taught me that in such

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cases explanations just make things worse. As a rule I do not make a habit of putting my foot on scales when other people are weighing themselves, though it has been known to happen. So when the woman shouted with great enthusiasm, “See? I’ve gained ten pounds,” I said nothing, though with a few words of apology I could have explained that my foot had made a contribution, however modest, to her ten pounds. My silence also had another reason. I did not wish to be a spoil-sport. The woman’s expression was one of joy. She received many congratulations including two kisses while she discretely sneaked some money into the pockets of the intern and the nurses. She even had a kind word for the cleaning lady, who was still smiling in the corner. “Thank you too Mrs Hunyadvary,” she said.

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And last but not least, somewhere in the periphery of her joy, she also lighted on me. “What do you think, sir?” she asked. “I am very impressed,” I said. “Ten pounds, can you imagine?” “Congratulations,” I said. Then she waved and left with the crowd trailing behind her. My ten minutes were soon up at which point I also left the ward. Downstairs at the buffet by the main entrance I ran into the woman in the light fur coat. She was holding a paper plate laden with cup cakes. She raised the place but because her mouth was full with the cup cake, she could only manage a smile. Ah, so something has begun, I thought. Thanks to me, the woman in the light fur coat has taken the first step down the road to

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recovery. She was eating again and gaining weight. Of course if instead of gaining weight she should have been losing it, the whole thing would have backfired. But when you are bent on improving the lot of your fellow men you gotta be prepared to take your chances.

public survey

opinion

The Hungarian Public Opinion Research Office has just conducted its first survey, the results of which have recently been made public. The question asked was: How do people see the past, present, and future of the nation? In order to insure credible results, the bureau sent out questionnaires to 2,975 citizens of various social standings, ranks, professions and religious persuations.

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The questions were as follows: 1. Your opinion of the present regime is: a) favourable b) unfavourable c) neither unfavourable

favourable

nor

but a little improvement wouldn’t hurt d) I want to move to Vienna.

2. Do you feel alienated? a) I feel completely alienated b) I feel almost completely alienated

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c) I am, so to speak, pretty thoroughly alienated d) from time to time I manage to talk to the Party Secretary.

3. What are your cultural interests? a) I go to the movies, ball games and bars b) from time to time I look out the window c) I do not even look out the window d) I disapprove of Mao Tse Tung’s Little Red Book.

4. Your philosophical orientation tends toward:

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a) Marxism b) anti-Marxism c) science fiction d) alcoholism.

The results of the survey indicate that the people of Hungary hold the following views in common: 1. During the past twenty years, Hungary has been a paradise on earth. 2. Hungary is still a paradise on earth, except bus No. 9 tends to run behind schedule. 3. Hungary’s future will be even brighter provided they add more buses to line No. 9.

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one biography

minute

When I was born, I was such a beautiful baby the doctor swept me up in his arms and going from room to room, showed me off to the entire hospital. I even smiled, they say, which made the mothers of the other babies sigh with envy. This happened in 1912, shortly before the outbreak of the First World War, and it was my only uncontested success, I think. From then on my life has been one of continual decline. Not only did I lose much of my extreme good looks, but some of my hair and a few of my teeth as well. What’s more, I haven't been able to live up to what the world has expected of me.

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I could not carry my plans into effect, nor make full use of my talent. Though I had always wanted to be a writer, my father, who was a pharmacist, insisted I follow in his footsteps. However, even that did not satisfy him. He took it into his head that I should have a better life than his own. So after I became a pharmacist, he sent me back to college to make a chemical engineer of me. This meant another four and a half years of delay before I could indulge my passion for writing. I had hardly put pen to paper when the war broke out. Hungary declared war on the Soviet Union, and I was taken to the front. Here, our army was made short shrift of and I found myself a prisoner of the Russians, a POW. This took another four and a half years out of my life. And when I returned home I was faced with yet further trials which did nothing to ease my way towards a career in writing.

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From this it will be seen that what I was able to create under the circumstances, a couple of novels of various lengths, five or six volumes of short stories and two plays, I created more or less in secret, and I did so in the precious few hours I was able to wrench from the inexorable march of history. Perhaps this is why I have always striven for economy and precision, looking for the essence, often in haste. Startled by every ringing of the door bell, I had no reason, ever, to expect anything good either from the mailman or from any other arrival. This also explains why, though as a new-born infant I may have attained to a perfection of sorts, from that time on I began to lose my luster, to slip and falter and despite the circumstance that I became better at my trade and gained more and more self-knowledge, I have always been painfully aware of

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the impossibility of living up to my full potential.

a number of variations on the theme of self-realization Why deny it. As a child I had the usual foolish dreams. For instance, I wanted to be a pilot, an engine driver, or failing that, an engine. Sometimes I even fantasized that when I grew up I’d become the Vienna Express. A distant relative, the titular abbot Dr. Kniza, a highly educated and sober-minded gentleman, tried to talk me into becoming a pebble. To tell the truth, the finality, the

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rounded-out silence held a certain attraction for me. But Mom wanted just the opposite. She wanted me to find something related to time. ‘You go and be an egg, son,’ she’d urge me now and again. ‘An egg is birth and death all at once. It is time passing in a fragile shell. Anything can come of an egg,’ she reasoned. But man proposes, God disposes and so here I am sand in an hourglass, possibly so both Uncle Kniza and Mom should be pleased. After all sand is timelessness incarnate and the hourglass is the ancient symbol of mortality. It even crops up in Egyptian hieroglyphics where it means "the sun’s on it’s way down, buddy!" "gosh, how time doth fly over the pyramids," "the migrating mynah birds are gathering without a permit again" and "what’s that pain in the pit of my stomach, dear Doctor Nephros?" It is not easy landing such a comfortable job. But let it be said to Uncle Kniza’s credit

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that even though he disapproved of me compromising my principles in this way, he pulled some strings and I was hired on a temporary basis. I am temporary because I am used only for cooking eggs, so Mom was right on two counts, I guess. For some time everything went smoothly and I was beginning to think I’d managed to make a very pleasant life for myself. That's when calamity struck. From one day to the next I got lumpy, which for sand is as disastrous as a beer-gut is for a belly dancer. I manage to squeeze my legs through somehow but my backside keeps getting stuck in the bottleneck with alarming frequency. I’ve tried going down head first, but the fact is I still don’t come out ahead, if you know what I mean. There I am squirming and writhing for all I'm worth for what seems like hours. The eggs stop cooking, the hourglass comes to a standstill, and all those grains of sand wait helpless above

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my head. They do not rush me in any way, mind you. Still, their patience acts on me like a mute reproach and its driving me nuts. I can’t even pretend it's not my fault because it is. I must have had a tendency to go lumpy all along. The truth is I'm just a reckless, rebellious and unsociable fellow patently unfit for sand. At such times, all sorts of things come to mind.. Anyone who sees me today would never believe it but I could have become a vacuum in a light-bulb! And there was a girl too, a pretty though silly creature called Panni who was employed at the Batiste & Silk Works. Anyhow, one day she turned to me and said, ‘Listen, why don’t you come with me and we’ll make a pair of ladies’ panties out of you?' I was deeply offended at the time. But in my present predicament, her offer seems like an answer to my prayers. Even if being a pair of ladies’ underpants is not what you'd call a challenge, it's got

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a certain je ne sais quoi about it, if you know what I mean. Instead I am stuck in the bottleneck again from which place I wish to inform all those who I may have disappointed that though I received nothing but bad advice from my loved ones, I have no one to blame but myself. I shouldn’t have settled for this dull but secure existence. Had I been a little more adventurous, with a bit of luck I might have made something of myself. After all, if the engineer who designed the Queen Mary had thought of me instead, I wouldn’t have to pull in my stomach now in order to squeeze through this damned isthmus but, riding on top of fifty-foot waves, defying the elements, I’d be sailing the oceans with mast held proudfully high.

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in memoriam H.G.K.

dr.

"Hölderlin ist ihnen unbekannt?" Dr. H.G.K. asked as he dug the pit for the horse’s carcass. "Who is that?" the German guard growled. "The author of Hyperion," said Dr. H.G.K., who had a positive passion for explanations. "The greatest figure of German Romanticism. How about Heine?" he tried again. "Who're them guys?" the guard growled, louder than before. "Poets," Dr. H.G.K. said. "But Schiller. Surely you have heard of Schiller?" "That goes without saying," the German guard nodded.

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"And Rilke?" Dr. H.G.K. insisted. "Him, too," the German guard said and, turning the color of paprika, shot Dr. H.G.K. in the back of the head.

You’re not familiar with Hölderlin?

the grotesque (a practical approach) Stand with your legs apart. Bend forward all the way. Look back between your legs. Thank you. Now look around you and take stock of what you see. The world has been stood on its head. The gentlemen's feet beat about in the air while the ladies, she how they grab for their

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skirts? The cars, too: their four tires are spinning in the air, looking for all the world like a dog trying to scratch its stomach. Then there's the chrysanthemum, its thin jack-in-the-box stem reaching for the sky as it balances precariously on its head -- and the express train speeding along on top of its trail of smoke. To the left, the parish church stands balanced on the tips of the lightning rods sticking out of its twin steeples. And over there is a sign on the window of a pub: [image missing] Inside, a customer, his head to the floor, staggers laboriously from the counter, holding a mug of beer in his hand. Do notice the order, though: the foam is at the bottom, the beer is on the top, and the bottom of the mug is on top of the beer. Yet not a drop is spilled.

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Is it winter? You bet your life! Just look at the snowflakes, how they are fluttering up, and the skaters as they zigzag in pairs, dangling from the icy mirror of the sky. Not an easy sport, skating! However, let us look for a merrier spectacle. Ah, there! A funeral! Amidst the snowflakes falling up, through the veil of tears trickling the other way around, we can see the gravediggers haul the coffin up with two hefty ropes. The colleagues, friends and relations of the deceased, both near and far, his widow and three orphans all grab some clods of earth and begin pelting the coffin. Let us recall the heartrending sound as the clods of earth are flung into a grave, knock against the coffin and break into tiny little pieces. The grieving widow sobs. The poor fatherless orphans wail. How different it feels to throw things up! How much more dexterity it takes to hit the coffin! To start with, you need high quality

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clods, otherwise they disintegrate halfway up. So there is much grabbing, shoving and running helter-skelter to retrieve the most compact pieces. But a good clod of earth is not enough. Badly aimed, it falls back down and if it should hit somebody, especially a rich, distinguished relative, there is no escaping the titter of delight that follows. However, if all goes well and the clod of earth is firm and compact, the aim is accurate and on the mark, the man who flung it is applauded, and everyone goes home feeling happy. For days to come people talk about the perfect aim, the charming deceased, and the amusing ceremony, how splendid it turned out, and they do so with no trace of hypocrisy, feigned lamentation or pretense at sympathy. And now, you may straighten up. As you see, the world is on its feet again, and you are at liberty to mourn your dearly departed with all the tears and dignity you can muster.

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memoirs puddle

of

a

On March 22, 1972, it rained all day, and I found myself comfortably settled in front of the house at Dráva utca 7, in Budapest’s 13th district, where there’s a dent in the sidewalk. People kept stepping in me, then cursing and berating me over their shoulder, calling me names I blush to repeat. I was a puddle for two whole days, but never once did I bristle at the insults. Then as we know, on the 24th of the month the sun came out from behind the clouds. Oh, how paradoxical is life, to have to dry up just as the weather brightens! What else can I say? Did I live up to expectations? Did I fail to do so? Should I have behaved differently in the dent in front of

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Dráva utca 7? Though it makes no difference now I’d still like to know, because there will be other puddles there after me. Our lives are short, our days numbered, and while I was down there a new generation has sprung up, potential puddles ready for action, idealistic, ambitious, and they’re looking to me for an answer, nagging, wanting to know what they are to expect down there in that promising dent in the sidewalk. But I was a puddle for just two days, and so all I can say is this: though the tone is drastic and Dráva utca is windy and the sun keeps coming out at the most inopportune of moments, at least I didn’t have to flow down a sewer. Oh, what holes and dents! What bursting water mains! What potholes! It’s nothing to scoff at these days! So youth of the nation, listen to me. Keep your eyes peeled on the future, and head straight for Dráva utca!

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has anyone seen…? At 5:30 p.m. on the 7th of this month, Mrs. K. Fehér, née Márta Flügl, went to the movies and hasn’t been seen since. Mrs. Fehér, 41, a resident of Budapest, has been described as tall or short, prone to gain weight, or lean and lanky. Her eyes are blue or green, possibly black. Her hair color could be anything. Her winter coat is dark blue or rust brown, though possibly gray, with fur trimming. (Correction: the trim is not fur but velvet, though the coat may have no trimming at all.) Special distinctive marks: female. Any leads will be greatly appreciated by: her worried husband

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message found afloat in a bottle (fished out of the pacific ocean) “Here, at latitude 17 south, longitude 151 west, from approximately the height of the Otahiti Islands, amidst highly unfavorable weather conditions, in the thick of night, in whipping winds, torrential rain, tossed about by horrendous waves, after the other Hungarians, noble sailors to the last man, have gone under, I realized quite by accident that if I thrust my two arms forward and then pulled them back as if I were rowing while I kick my legs apart like leaping frogs, then, instead of going under like the others and drowning, I can keep myself afloat. My fellow countrymen from Felsőpáhok! Could this be possible? Did you know? And if you did, why didn’t you say

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so? If I can hold out for just ten more minutes maybe a ship will pass by, spot me and save me. But if this is not going to happen, I hereby want all my beloved countrymen to know the following. I am Benedek Becze! Hungarians! Ha-ho! Listen! Listen to what I have to say, and if you get into a similar fix, thrash about with arms and legs so the waves won’t overpower you. My regards to my daughter-in-law and my son, and may God save our beloved Hungary!”

so much to keep in mind Valid for travel within two prepaid zones within one hour of initial embarkation with a maximum of four transfers on the shortest route between your starting point and final destination. Transfer is permitted only at

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crossings, junctures and line terminals, and is restricted to cars, trains, buses and trolleys whose route is not identical to the routes already taken. Only one Danube bridge may be crossed en route, and each station may be visited only once. Attention: No detours or breaks in your journey permitted.

incident A paraffin cork that was just like any other paraffin cork (he said his name was Alexander G. Hirr, Jr., but what’s in a name?) fell into the water. For some time it just bopped up and down on the surface. But then a strange thing happened. Gradually, almost imperceptibly, it began to sink until it reached the bottom and was never heard from again. No explanation for the baffling incident has ever been offered.

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we’re a small nation Executioner’s Wife: This cheese soufflé is delicious. Executioner: Light as a feather. Condemned Man’s Wife: You must try the cup cake too. Executioner’s Wife: I’ve never tasted cup cake quite so mouthwatering before. Condemned Man: We should get together more often. Executioner’s Wife: It’s the only way to learn about each other. Executioner: Every meeting brings new understanding.

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Condemned Man’s Wife: We’re a small nation. We should stick together. Condemned Man: Sticking together is what we do best. Executioner: Shouldn’t we be on a first name basis, friends? Condemned Man: Don’t you remember? We already are. Executioner: I’d like to get to know you better. Condemned Man: I’ll drink to that! Executioner: To your very good health! Condemned Comrade!

Man:

And

to

yours,

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the last cherry pit There were just four Hungarians left now. (In Hungary, that is; there were still quite a number scattered around the globe.) They dwelled under a cherry tree. It was a very fine cherry tree; it afforded both cherries and shade, though the former only in season. But even of the four Hungarians, one was hard of hearing, while two stood under police inspection. Why this was so neither of them could recall any more, though from time to time they'd sigh, "We're under police inspection." Only one of the four had a name--i.e., only he could remember it. (His name was Sipos.) The others had forgotten theirs along with so much else. With four people it is not essential that each should have a name. Then one day, Sipos said, "We ought to leave something behind to remember us by."

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"What on earth for?" asked one of the two men who stood under police inspection. "So that when we're gone, something should remain for posterity." "Who's going to care about us then?" asked the fourth Hungarian who was neither Sipos nor one of the two men under police inspection. But Sipos stuck to his guns and the other two backed him. Only he, the fourth, insisted that the world had never seen a sillier idea. The others were highly offended. "What do you mean?" they said indignantly, "how can you say such a thing? You're probably not even a true Hungarian!" "Why?" he countered, "maybe it's such a godsend being a Hungarian these days?" He had a point there. And so, they stopped bickering. They racked their brains

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about what they could leave to be remembered by. To carve a stone would have required a chisel. If only one of them had a stickpin! With it, Sipos reasoned, they could etch a message into the bark of the tree. It would stay in the bark for ever, like a tattoo on a man's skin. "Why don't we throw a big stone into the air," suggested one of the two who stood under police inspection. "Don't be a fool, it'd fall back down," they told him. He didn't argue. Poor man, he knew he was short on brains. "All right," he said to the others after a while. "Why don't you come up with something better if you can. What is it that would last?" They put their heads together. At long last they agreed to hide a cherry pit between two stones (so the rain wouldn't wash it away).

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It wouldn't be much of a memorial to be sure, but for want of anything better, it would have to do. However, they were faced with a problem. While the cherry season lasted they had lived on cherries, and afterwards had gathered up all the pits, crushed them into a fine powder, and consumed them. Consequently, there wasn't a single pit to be had for love or money. Just then, one of the Hungarians who was neither Sipos nor one of the men who stood under police inspection remembered THE CHERRY. (He was no longer contrary, but was, in fact, with them heart and soul, and couldn't wait to help.) But the cherry grew so high up on top of the highest branch of the tree that they couldn't pick it back then. And so it had stayed where it was, shriveled down to the pit.

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They concluded that if they stood on each other's shoulders they could bring down the solitary cherry after all. They mapped everything out in fine detail. At the bottom stood one of the two men who were under police inspection, the one short on brains but long on brawn. On his shoulder stood the man who was neither Sipos nor was under police inspection, and last came Sipos, the flat-chested weakling. With a great deal of effort he climbed to the top of the column made up of his three companions, and once there, stretched out to his full height. But by the time he had reached the top, he had forgotten why he had bothered to climb up in the first place. It went straight out of his head. The others shouted to him to bring down the shriveled cherry, but it was no use, because he was the one who was hard of hearing.

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And so, things came to an impasse. From time to time, all four would shout in unison, but even so, the problem persisted, and they stayed just as they were, one Hungarian on top of the other.

tulip in crisis It came as quite a shock. It never complained. It was in the best of health. Its bulb had just yielded flowers for the seventh year in a row. It stood in full bloom on the windowsill of an elderly couple, both of whom were retired teachers. The night before it had thoroughly fertilized its pistils, after which it had a good night’s sleep. But at five in the morning – flowers are notoriously early risers – it flung itself down into the street from the fourth story window.

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At first the police speculated that someone had pushed it with intent to kill. They questioned the retired teachers, but they denied the charges. They insisted that they watered it regularly, loved it, and shed profuse tears over its untimely death. The lieutenantcolonel living below them substantiated their testimony, and in a matter of days, the charges against the elderly couple were dropped. The suicide-bent tulip was purple and introverted by nature. According to the people in the neighborhood, it lived a secluded life, so it couldn’t have suffered from despair or disillusionment. Why, then, did it want to throw its life away? The answer came one week later, when the lieutenant-colonel’s wife, who was doing her spring cleaning, found the tulip’s farewell note on the balcony. She took it upstairs to the fourth floor, where the old man read the garbled lines out loud.

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“When you read this note, I will no longer be among the living. Dear sir, dear Aunt Irma, please forgive me. I couldn’t help it. I didn’t want to be a tulip any more.” “What could it have wanted to be, poor thing,” Aunt Irma asked. “It didn’t say,” her husband responded. “A tulip,” Aunt Irma said with a shake of her head. “The very idea!”

thoughts from the cellar The ball flew through a broken window and landed in the cellar. One of the children, the fourteen-year-old daughter of the concierge, hobbled down after it. A tram had cut off one of her legs, poor thing, and so she was

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quite happy if she could at least pick up the ball after her playmates. The cellar was in semi-darkness, but she thought she could see something stirring in a corner. “Kitty!” the wooden-legged daughter of the concierge called out. “What are you doing down here, dear little kitty?” She then picked up the ball and hurried off with it as fast as she could. The old, ugly and foul-smelling rat – for it was a rat that had been taken for a kitten – was stunned. No one had ever talked to it like that before. Up till then everyone had been repulsed by it, pelted it with bits of coal, or fled screaming for their lives. But now, for the first time, it thought how different everything would have been if only it’d been born a kitten, or better yet – because we’re all insatiable, and

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it too continued to weave the web of its reveries – it thought how very wonderful it would have been if only it’d been born the lame daughter of a concierge. But this thought was so very beautiful, the rat couldn’t even imagine it in earnest.

honeymooners flypaper

on

They made up their minds to stay home. Why leave Budapest, the brand new husband reasoned, when it’s such a spectacular city? There’s the theater, the movies, concerts. There’s so much to see. And so, they stayed, and their honeymoon was spent in love and contentment. Then around five-thirty one afternoon, they got stuck on the flypaper hanging from the ceiling lamp. What silly nonsense!

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* The husband: The wife:

What a question.

The husband: The wife:

Come-come-come-come-

Oh, you little devil!

The husband: The wife: stuck.

Well, then, come on.

Again?

The husband: come. The wife:

Do you love me, kitten?

Come on, munchkins!

In a moment. My heel. I think it’s

The husband: Well, kick off your shoes, bunny. Just don’t keep me waiting. The wife: You want to stay in again tonight? They’re playing Tchaikovsky at the Academy.

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The husband: The wife:

To hell with Tchaikovsky.

We could see a show.

The husband: Never. I can’t abide Hungarian directors. They spoon-feed their audience. Do you feel this swaying back and forth? The wife:

What swaying?

The husband: I feel like I’m hanging from something and I’m swaying back and forth in the air. The wife: Well, ignore it. Look up what’s playing at the Opera. The husband: The wife:

On the kitchen table.

The husband: The wife:

Where’s the paper?

I can’t. My foot’s stuck.

I think it’s The Masked Ball.

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The husband: Tell me something. The stuff that your shoe is stuck in. Is it a gooey, shiny substance? The wife:

Something like that.

The husband: as well.

Now my hands are stuck

The wife: Will you stop? We’ll end up sitting at home again. The husband: motion? The wife: sticky mess. The husband: strip.

What’s

this

jerking

I’m trying to pull free of this Well, don’t. You’ll tear the

The wife: How can you be so complacent? I fell in love with you because you were adventurous and you could always make me laugh, and you said how you loved music.

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The husband: What good is music if I can’t move my limbs? The wife: One would think you were the first one on earth to bet stuck. Think of the handicapped. Think of those with missing limbs! They go on with their lives, don’t they? They work, don’t they? Now and then they even have some fun! The husband: Oh, God, now we’re turning round and round, I swear. The wife:

Will you stop complaining?

The husband: ing on.

I can’t imagine what’s go-

The wife: You can’t? Then I’ll tell you. There’s a draft from the stairwell and it’s making this gooey strip turn round. Well, are you satisfied?

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The husband: Satisfied? Satisfied, when I’m stuck up to my belly in this gooey mess? The wife: All you can think about is you, you, you! It’s ten to seven. Now we’ll have to take a cab if we’re to make it to the Opera on time. The husband: you, dear?

Don’t facts ever influence

The wife: I thought we said this marriage would be different. I thought we said we would never stop talking to each other. And we’d be inattentive. We wouldn’t bicker, and we wouldn’t get a divorce. I want to laugh and I want to have three children, and I want them to learn the piano. The husband: Oh, Lord, it’s up to my lips already. The wife:

Will you kindly call us a cab!

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ballad about the magic of poetry The telephone booth stood on Grand Boulevard. Its door opened and closed at regular intervals as people conducted their daily affairs, tried to clear up their petty affairs, called the electric company, made dates for the night, asked friends for a quick loan, or tortured their loved ones with their jealousy. Once when an elderly lady hung up, she leaned against the phone and cried. But such occurrences were rare. Then on a sunny summer afternoon, a poet entered the booth. He picked up the phone and called his editor. “ I have the last four lines,” he announced. He next read the four lines of poetry from a soiled sheet of paper.

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“That’s depressing,” his editor said, “rewrite it. And make sure it’s cheerful this time.” The poet tried to reason with him, but in vain. He put the receiver back in its cradle and left the booth. For a while no one came, and the phone booth stood empty. But then a woman approached. She was appreciably past her prime. She had an exceptionally heave frame and ample breasts, and she was clothed in a light cotton dress with large floral print. She tried to open the phone booth door. The door opened only with difficulty. At first it wouldn’t even give. But when it did, it flew open with such vehemence, the woman was veritably propelled back onto the sidewalk. When she tried again, the door did something to her that could best be described as a kick. The woman reeled back and fell against a nearby mail box.

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The people waiting at the bus stop crowded around her. A man with a briefcase – someone, clearly, to be reckoned with – tried to open the door, but it slammed into him with such force, he fell flat on his back on the hard pavement. Meanwhile, quite a crowd had gathered around the booth, making comments on it, the post office, and the woman in the large floral print dress. Some people swore that the door was wired for high voltage, while others said the corpulent woman in the large floral print dress must have had an accomplice, and were trying to steal the coins from the booth, but were caught red handed. For a while the phone booth listened to their confused accusations in silence, then it turned around and began walking down Rákóczi Road at its leisure. When it reached the corner the light had just turned red, so it stopped and waited.

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The people watched it go, but nobody said anything. In this part of the world nothing causes a sensation unless it is natural. Meanwhile, the bus pulled up, the people disappeared into its belly, and the phone booth continued its leisurely stroll down Rákóczi Road. It was in the best of spirits. It engaged in some window shopping, then it stopped in front of a florist. Some people thought they’d seen it enter a book shop, but they may have mistaken it for someone else. Anyway, it stopped by a small pub on a side street for a shot of brandy, then walked along the Danube and crossed over to Margaret Island. On the Island it spotted another phone booth by the ruins of a convent. It went passed it, then turned around, and having made up its mind about something, crossed the road and discretely but unflinchingly began giving the other booth the eye. Later, as the sun was going

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down, it headed for the rose bushes, trampling some of the roses under foot. We have no way of knowing what may or may not have transpired by the ruins that night, because the public lighting on the Island is not up to par, to say the least. Be that as it may, the next morning early risers were surprised to see that the booth in front of the ruined convent was packed with crimson roses, and throughout the day, it kept giving the wrong number. The other phone booth had disappeared without a trace. At the break of dawn it left the Island and crossed over to Buda. It climbed to the top of Gellért Hill, then made its way, through hill and dale, to the peak of Hármashatár Hill. Then it descended the slope and headed for the highway, where after it was never seen in Budapest again.

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Outside the city limits, past the very last houses of Hűvösvölgy but on this side of Nagykovácsi, lies a meadow of wild flowers, just big enough for a small child to skip around it without running out of breath. Because of the tall trees, it is as well hidden from sight as a mountain lake. It is too small, even, for anyone to bother taking a scythe to it, and so by midsummer the grass, weeds and flowers have come up waist high. This is the spot where the phone booth camped down. People who pass by it on their Sunday outings are delighted to see it. It makes them feel like playing a practical joke on someone who is still fast asleep, or they remember to call home and ask that the keys they’d left behind be placed under the mat. They enter the booth, which stands awry, sunk into the soft ground, and as the long stemmed flowers of the field lean in after them, they take the receiver off the hook.

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The phone, however, will not give them a line. Instead, they hear four lines of a poem coming from the headpiece as softly as the strains of a muted violin. The phone does not return their deposited coins either. But no one has ever complained.

a bright and distant future Approximately a hundred or a hundredand-fifty years from now, on a bright summer’s day, every church bell in the nation will ring out at the same time. Most people won’t give it a second thought, whereas the chiming of the church bells will herald in a new age. The former royal castle at Visegrád will have been rebuilt by then,*its former splendor enhanced, its halls even larger, its hanging

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gardens greener. At the inauguration ceremony – this is why the church bells will be chiming – some old timers will burst into tears, little wonder, considering that that will be the moment, that great and glorious moment, when the thousand year old, relentless chain of our misfortunes will have come to an end. Visegrád will once again be the royal seat not only of this tiny country, but of the Danubian Hungarian Republic, whose shores will be washed by four or five seas** he republic will be called Danubian in order to differentiate it from the Hungarian Republic of the Lower Rhine. The latter will not be inhabited by Hungarians though, not even then, just the people of the Lower Rhine in their threadbare clothes, who will have called themselves Magyar, hoping it would improve their luck. If only I could describe what it will be like to be a Magyar in that bright and distant future! Let

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me just say that in a mere hundred-and-fifty years, the word ‘magyar’ will have become a verb which will have entered every language in the world – what’s more, with pleasant connotations, I might add. For instance, in French, “to magyar” will mean: I am giving myself a blow job. In Spanish: to find money on the street and reach down for it. In Catalan: I can bend down with the greatest of ease now that the pinched nerve in my back has been miraculously cured. And should someone in London say, “I am going to magyar,” it will mean: You see that gorgeous creature over there? Well, I’m going to go up to her straight away, put my arm through hers, take her home, and….” (Here a four letter word follows.) Another example. In seven civilized languages (Norwegian, Greek, Bulgarian, Basque, etc.) “I magyar, you magyar, he/she/it magyars” (because the verb will be subject to

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proper conjugation) will mean: I am (you are, he/she/it is) eating crispy roast duck with fresh home-made cucumber salad while Yehudi Menuhin plays a csárdás in my ear. Furthermore, in Lithuanian, “Mom, can I go to magyar?” “Sure, magyar, if you want to,” will mean that a little boy wants to go to the movies and after thinking it over, his mother gives her consent, even though the movie is not recommended for viewers under eighteen. But never mind foreign nations! Even here at home, many things will be called by other names. For instance, ‘vanilla’, which is of foreign derivation, will have been replaced by ‘háború’ the Hungarian word for war, since it will have lost its original meaning by then. Thus, the sign above the ice cream counter at the pastry shop in Visegrád will read: Strawberry

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Punch Háború Chocolate. This is what our lives will be like. All we have to do now is survive the next hundredand-fifty years as best we can.

* The royal castle of Visegrád, built around 1320, was celebrated for its beauty and grandeur. Its decline began in earnest when it fell to the Turks in 1543, which marked the beginning of Hungary’s „thousand year old, relentless chain of misfortunes.” ** Hungary, “in the heart of Europe”, is a landlocked country.

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budapest A bus crashed into a tree on Calvin Square, and soon after, every tram in the city came to a stop. Everything stopped, even the toy train in the window of the toy shop. Silence everywhere. A little later there was a rasping sound, but it was just a page from a newspaper being swept along by a gust of wind. Then it was flung against a wall, and the silence grew profounder still. Eight minutes after the atomic bomb exploded the electricity failed and immediately afterwards, the last gramophone recording wound down over the radio. An hour later the water taps gave off a slurping sound, and then there was no more water. The boughs, too, became as dry as a hot tin roof. The semaphore gave the go-ahead, but the last express from Vienna never made it to the station. By

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morning, the water in the boiler of its locomotive was cold. Within a month, the parks were overgrown with weed, and the sand boxes on the children’s playgrounds sprouted oats. The delicious drinks, too, evaporated on the innkeepers’ shelves. All the foodstuffs, all the leather goods and library books were eaten by the mice. Mice are extremely prolific; they litter up to five times a year. In a short while they overran the streets, covering the pavement like some velvety, mud colored, billowing stonework. They took possession of the flats, the beds in the plats, the rows of seats in the theatres. They even flooded the Opera House, where La Traviata had been the last performance. When they gnawed through the last string of the last violin, that twang sounded the swan song of Budapest.

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But by the following day, across the street from the Opera, a sign appeared attached to the stone ruins of a building: “Dr. Mrs. Varsányi, mouse exterminator. You bring the bacon, I catch the mice.”

in memoriam h.g.k.

dr.

"Hölderlin ist ihnen unbekannt?"' Dr. H.G.K. asked as he dug the pit for the horse’s carcass. "Who is that?" the German guard growled. "The author of Hyperion," said Dr. H.G.K., who had a positive passion for explanations. "The greatest figure of German Romanticism. How about Heine?" he tried again.

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Who're them guys?" the guard growled, louder than before. "Poets," Dr. H.G.K. said. "But Schiller. Surely you have heard of Schiller?" "That goes without saying," the German guard nodded. And Rilke?" Dr. H.G.K. insisted. Him, too," the German guard said and, turning the color of paprika, shot Dr. H.G.K. in the back of the head.

folklore 1. banter A black limousine approaches from the direction of county headquarters. It comes to a halt. A man in black gets out and walks over to the pea fields.

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“Well, well, how are we doing?” he asks the peasants by way of a joke. “We’re very well, thank you,” the peasants say by way of a joke. (Folklore from Sárvár, Vas County, 1957)

2. unimpeded production standards “Hello? Machine shop?” “Skultéti here.” “How much, Skultéti?” “Thirty-three, Comrade.” “What’s thirty-three, Skultéti?” “What’s thirty-three, Comrade?” “Yes, what’s thirty-three, Skultéti.”

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“Why? Wasn’t thirty-three the right answer, Comrade?” “The right answer to what, Skultéti.” “To your question, Comrade.” “Never mind, Skultéti, just resume where you left off.” (Heavy industry folklore, 1978)

our sons Many years ago there lived a poor old widow, and this poor old widow had two handsome sons. One of them, the first-born, entered service on a ship that headed straight for the Pacific, but nobody knows what became of him, because there’s no one left to tell us, they all disappeared without a trace.

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The younger of the two sons stayed home. But once when his poor old mother sent him for some tapeworm lozenges (to the pharmacy, the seventh house from their miserable hut), he never returned. He, too, disappeared without a trace. This is a true story, because in folk tales the poor old widow always has three sons, and the third invariably comes to a good end.

gli ungheresi Ice cream was originally invented by Ugo Riccardo Salvatore Giulio Girolamo B., a baker from Catania. The precise date is still an object of debate, so let’s not worry about it; it was more or less at the same time as the invention of the printing press.

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Besides inventing ice cream, Ugo also invented a thin waffle cone to go with it, plus a push cart. (Which is just as it should be. It’s inconceivable that Irinyi, for instance, should have invented the match, leaving the match box to someone else, or that Ehrlich should have discovered Salvarsan, and someone else syphilis. That would be absurd.) Anyway, after he had perfected his invention in this manner, Ugo decided to go public with it. He traveled through Lodomeria and Bessarabia, Tirol, Burgundy, Brandenburg, and even the Wendish captaincy. One can imagine the reception he got, but one cannot describe it adequately. Wherever he appeared with his small cart, young and old gathered round him clutching their money in their hands and smacking their lips as, with hearts beating wildly, they waited for their raspberry, strawberry, chocolate, lemon, or pistachio ice cream. Ugo gave everyone what they asked for,

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and in order to save them unnecessary experimentation, he even told them that all they have to do was lick the ice cream. Wherever he went he was greeted with glee, and when it was time for him to move on, the people were much saddened, and hoped for his swift return. One time, Ugo even visited Hungary. (Italian: Ungheria.) But in Hungary the king had just instituted a new tax on salt, and so young and old could talk about nothing else except the new salt tax. His vanity hurt and himself desperate, Ugo attached a bell to his push cart and, with more eagerness than usual, showed his ice cream to the few that gathered around him. However, the Hungarians (Italian: gli ungheresi) couldn’t have cared less. They didn’t feel the heat of the summer, and so had no need of anything to cool them down; their heads were too full with the new tax on salt. Though Ugo tried to explain to them that they could go on thinking whatever

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they wanted because all they had to do was to lick his ice cream, they said thank you but no thank you, we’ve got more than enough to lick as it is. But, Ugo protested, having been mortally wounded by such cruel indifference, each one of his ice creams has a different taste! So what, the mule-headed Hungarians shot back, all they have to do is suck on their five fingers, each one has a different taste too. And when Ugo would still not relent, they bombarded him with horse manure, thinking that in his hodge-podge of a language, gelatti (Hungarian: fagylalt) must mean, “Long live the tax levied on salt!” Needless to say, they couldn’t very well put up with that.

Broken in mind and body, poor Ugo managed to push his cart as far as the duchy of Zára, but from there he had to be taken home

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by boat. On his deathbed, surrounded by the ice cream vendors of Italy, he was heard to say just two words, over and over, “Gli ungheresi… gli ungheresi,” then he gave up the ghost.

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