Introverted.seduction
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seduction...
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Justin I.P. IntrovertedPlayboy.com
Copyright © 2013 The Introverted Playboy Legal Notice The Reader of this publication assumes responsibility for the use of these materials and information. Adherence to all applicable laws and regulations, federal, state, and local, or any other jurisdiction is the sole responsibility of the Reader. The Author and Publisher assume no responsibility or liability whatsoever on the behalf of any Reader of these materials. Any perceived slights of specific people or organizations are unintentional. Any trademarks, service marks, product names or named features are assumed to be the property of their respective owners, and are used for reference only.
Special thanks to Dwight and Raheem in New York, and Richard in the UK
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Contents Introduction
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Part I: Environment: The background for seduction 1. The context Micro context Macro context Ways to improve context Hierarchy of warmth 2. The women Available women The Las Vegas effect 3. How often are women approached? Intimidating and inviting beauty Who is approaching her? The male factor (your “competition”) 4. The women and relationships you want Physical attractiveness Compatibility Types of relationships 5. Your sexual presence The sexy stereotype Becoming a more attractive version of yourself
11 11 12 13 14 16 16 17 19 19 19 20 21 21 21 22 24 24 26
Part II: Framework: What seduction is 6. Excitement and comfort Generate excitement and comfort with game Pre-game: Generate excitement and comfort with status Exceptions to the rule Your personal game After sex 7. Comfort and communication Overall strategy for comfort and connection Her nonverbal communication Her verbal communication 8. The introvert’s strengths and weaknesses in seduction
28 29 31 32 33 34 36 36 38 39 41
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Part III: Action: What to do 9. Nonverbal communication and developing a sexual aura Body language Eye contact Voice tonality Fashion, clothing and grooming Seduction is primarily nonverbal 10. Physical escalation Her perspective on physical escalation Physical escalation as excitement Action and reaction Engagement with the girl Your own goals Escalation goals on dates and meet ups Your instincts Fear of rejection Physical escalation framework 11. Calibrating, anticipation and engagement Calibration Anticipation Female pleasure
44 44 46 47 47 48 50 50 51 51 52 52 53 53 54 54 56 56 57 58
Part IV: Words: What to say 12. Principles of conversation Quality over quantity What to talk about Interesting conversation Listening Verbal game on a date or meet up PUA routines Bailing or ejecting Conversational momentum 13. Verbal escalation Sexual escalation through words Emotional escalation: sharing yourself The robotic man The gesticulator Deep rapport and comfort Allowing her to participate in the seduction Honest, genuine communication Masculinity and emotions
60 60 60 61 61 62 63 63 64 66 66 69 70 70 70 72 72 73 5
Consequences of honesty
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Part V: Situation: Where to go 14. Logistical escalation and logistical management Increasing privacy and physical escalation Emotional escalation Observation and awareness Night game logistics Day game logistics Managing the situation Dates and meet ups Paying for girls
76 76 76 77 77 78 78 79 80
Part VI: Perspective: How to think 15. Being sexual Getting in touch with your sexual desires Accepting your sexual desires Expressing your sexual desires Developing the killer instinct Noticing opportunities Pursuing opportunities You are already attractive 16. Being honest Honesty as a risk Don’t “apologize” 17. Abundance mentality True abundance The analogy of sales Abundance for beginners 18. Emotional strength Controlled experience and conscious practice Masculinity and leadership Action vs. outcome independence
83 83 83 84 85 85 86 87 89 89 90 92 92 93 94 95 95 96 96
Part VII: Understanding: Conclusions 19. Pathways of attraction 20. The philosophy of seduction Dating is not a competition Women want sex The real conquest True leadership in seduction
99 100 100 100 101 102 6
21. What is it all for? What seduction is really all about 22. Simplicity in seduction An example of a cyclical process of physical escalation PUA tactics that are excitement-focused and comfort-focused 23. Becoming a seducer: conclusions Environment and context Excitement and comfort Words and actions Situational logistics Confidence and sexuality Risk taking Appendix: Terminology
103 103 104 104 105 106 106 106 106 106 107 107 108
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Introduction When I started this journey, I was pretty much clueless about women. My dating life was nonexistent. I could barely ask a girl for her phone number, much less take her out on a date or hold hands with her. Like many introverts, I had few friends and not much of a social life. My life consisted of class, homework (I was in college at the time) and the occasional party where I spent the night awkwardly standing around or trying to act “cool” before eventually slipping out and going back home alone. Over time, I started approaching women. At first just a few, here and there. Then a lot of them. I met new people and experimented with different styles of game. I became fascinated with human interaction, what made people tick, and how attraction and sexual dynamics really work. I started getting phone numbers, then dates, then sex. I’ve come a long way and I’ve experienced a lot. These days I’m at the point where I help other guys improve and get better results in their dating lives. Some methods of pickup and seduction view the process as a zero-sum game with winners and losers: if you manage to get the woman in bed, you’re the winner, and she’s the loser (from what I’ve heard of how some guys perform in the bedroom, this may not be terribly far from the truth). But my own experiences, and the experiences of my clients, friends and others have convinced me that seduction does not have to be a bizarre exercise in manipulation and trickery. True seduction is about full emotional and sexual connection. It creates closeness between two people, not distance. The culmination of seduction is actually having sex. But sex does not “end” the process of seduction per se. Seduction continues within relationships whether they last one night, three weeks or thirty years. Understanding the basics of seduction will be critical in your success. Not just for having sex with a new woman, but in maintaining relationships indefinitely. Seduction is best understood as an all-encompassing, holistic process that begins from the moment you meet the woman. It does not suddenly begin in the bedroom or even on the date. Seduction is happening on some level throughout your interactions with her, from the approach, to the way you look at her, to the way you touch her, to the activities you do together. For the most effective seducers, sexual energy is not something that is “turned on” and “turned off.” It is something that is always present, always at work beneath the surface in their interactions with beautiful women. This ebook explains how seduction works and how it is accomplished. It also gives you practical, actionable information for you to implement immediately in your conversations and interactions with women. The emphasis, of course, is on introverts. Introverted men have unique strengths and challenges in the seduction game. Introverts are often thought to have a handicap when it comes to attracting and seducing women. To the contrary, almost all men, with practice and experience, can excel and get significant results in their dating and love lives. Introverts are no exception. However, introverts will only
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get there if they play to their strengths. They have to engage with women on their own terms and not try to act like an extrovert or any other “character.” Parts I through V of this book give you the information and strategies you need to take immediate action and start getting results. Part VI and Part VII then provide insight into mindset, attitude and philosophy that will help you achieve superior long term results and satisfaction in your love life. As you read these pages, remember that seduction is about sexual connection between two people. That can only happen when you expose yourself on some level and open yourself up to her. As a functioning male human, you have the sexual power inside of you. Getting the results you want requires you to bring that out in a way that is consistent with who you are. That is what this book seeks to help you do.
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~I~ Environment The background for seduction
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1. The context Before any seduction occurs, there is the surrounding environment and context. Understanding the situation you are in when you meet a woman, as well as the overall social context, helps you strategize and streamline your game. It will help you adjust your expectations and know what you can reasonably expect to get when you meet a woman. A man and woman from the same race, culture, region, language, economic status or even neighborhood have a higher chance of getting together than if they did not have those commonalities. This is especially true if they are looking for a long term or serious relationship. Micro context First, be aware of the micro context: the situation that you meet her in. Meeting a girl alone in a bookstore at 2:00 in the afternoon on a Monday is a very different context from meeting her (the same girl) in a loud nightclub at 2:00 in the morning on a Saturday night. The surrounding situation will affect her mood, your mood, and many other factors. The micro context includes things like: • • • • • • • • • • • • •
The place you are in How loud the music is, or how loud the place is in general Her overall energy level (is she high energy or low energy) Whether she is alone or with a group of people Is she with girls or with guys? How is she dressed, and what does that say about her mood or mindset? How are you dressed, and what does that communicate about you?1 What is she doing at the moment (eating, drinking, reading a book, writing an essay, texting on her phone, listening to headphones, looking at a menu, etc)? Is she stationary (standing still, sitting) or moving (dancing, walking)? If she’s walking, is she walking fast like she’s in a rush, or is she just strolling leisurely? How is her body language—open, like she’s open to being approached, or closed, like she doesn’t want to be bothered? Are you alone, or in a group of people? Does your group include people who look normal, people who look rich, people who look like losers, beautiful women? Any changes that occur during the course of the conversation or during your time together (if she or you get a phone call, if her friend/ friends show up, if the place you are in is about to close, and so on)
All of these factors will influence how you approach her, and what you try to do with her. Noticing these kinds of details enables you to calibrate your approach more effectively than if you just went in blind. It 1
More on fashion will be discussed in Chapter 5 and Chapter 9
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is a good habit to observe everything around you. Being aware of the situation and context is critical for you to lead and manage at all stages of seduction, from starting a conversation to getting her in bed. Keep your eyes and ears open, pay attention to the girl and to what’s going on in your surroundings, and you can make informed decisions instead of letting circumstances catch you by surprise. Macro context At the macro level, consider the context at the regional, national and even global level. What kind of culture are you in? Is it tolerant or intolerant of casual sex or casual dating? How important is marriage in this culture and how early in life do people get married (in their late teens, early 20s, late 20s, etc)? In a society where religion and traditional values are popular, and people get married at a very young age, casual relationships will obviously be harder to come by. In a more secular culture where marriage is not as important, it will probably be easier. The United States, for example, is usually a bit more conservative than many European countries when it comes to sexual mores, but the US is not as conservative as many countries in Asia. Values and standards will also vary from city to city within a country. Generally big cities are more tolerant of casual dating and have looser standards around intimacy than smaller towns. Big cities have a greater diversity of people and the culture tends to be more open. There are more foreigners, travelers and temporary residents. And there is greater anonymity in big cities, allowing people to try different kinds of relationships and life arrangements without destroying their reputation. In a small town where everyone knows everyone else, this kind of experimentation is much less common. Men from the big city coming to a small town or rural area tend to have higher status than local men. This has been true for millennia across the world. Again, big city people tend to be wealthier and live more interesting and compelling lives, at least in the imaginations of restless small town girls. What kind of status do you have in this place? What kind of an image do you have, if any, just by walking in the room or walking down the street? For instance, if you are a middle class American guy, and you travel to a low-income Eastern European country, you will enjoy a certain amount of status simply by being a Westerner, and an American. Part of it is purely financial (the American “tribe” is wealthier than the Bulgarian tribe, for instance), part of it is prestige (the US has a reputation for being highly influential politically, militarily and economically), and part of it is the novelty of being an exotic foreigner. What does your clothing say about you, your background or your identity? And what does it say in this specific place or situation that you are in? For instance, dressing in a suit may be very impressive and give you very high “points” in a small farming community, but on Wall Street, where everyone is wearing suits, it’s nothing notable at all. What about your race or skin color? If you are white and you’re talking to white girls in a white town, that could be very different than if you are talking to black girls in a black town. How you are received and how women react to you may be influenced by cultural attitudes and expectations around superficial traits. Even with no cultural beliefs about race, simply standing out visually among the people
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might very well affect how people treat you, positively or negatively. Some places will be very openminded and welcoming of difference, others will be fearful or suspicious of outsiders. Context matters and it can make a big difference. Context is why sex tourism exists—the phenomenon of men from wealthy countries like the US or UK visiting poorer countries in Latin America or Southeast Asia for quick and easy sex with the local women. Not only can they afford the much cheaper prices that prostitutes charge in those places, but they can usually get sex more easily with non-prostitute women because of their higher status. The different context simply makes them more attractive to women in those countries than in their own home country, where standards of income and power are much higher. Context and status is why a woman would never dream of casually sleeping with one man (an average nameless Joe that mumbles some odd pickup line to her in a bar) but would never dream of not casually sleeping with another man (a famous pro athlete). Much of becoming a more attractive man and a more effective seducer comes down to adjusting context. Instead of dressing like an average schmuck, you dress like a cool guy with a compelling identity. Instead of approaching women in places you hate, you approach them in places you like, where you have a natural strength. Instead of approaching women cold, you approach women in social circle contexts where her comfort and familiarity is far greater. And so on. So in addition to improving your raw skills in conversation, physical escalation, body language, and logistical management (which is what most of this ebook is about), you should be improving the context of your approaches and seductions. This can take your success rates and overall results to a very high level. Working with the context instead of against it, and using context to your advantage, will make your life much easier, and your seductions smoother and more efficient. Ways to improve context: •
•
•
Approach women in warmer situations (a party given by mutual friends, a special event, a unique club or social group), rather than colder situations (total strangers on the street). The warmer the context you approach her in, the more likely you will have success because of the greater comfort and connection implied. Improve your fashion and style with an eye to the standards of the place you are meeting women (this includes your car in places where cars communicate status or identity). The way you dress in a high-end nightclub will be very different from the way you dress at the gym, and neither outfit is appropriate in the other context. In addition, the way you dress in a fashionconscious city like New York or London will be different than in a more suburban or rural area where fashion is not as important. Be aware of logistics and adjust your strategy and expectations accordingly. You are more likely to have a one night stand from a bar late at night than meeting a girl in a busy subway train during rush hour. This does not mean you don’t try to do things or take risks (it’s absolutely possible to take a girl home in the middle of the day from cold approaching), you just realize that some outcomes have a higher likelihood and are easier in certain situations. 13
Much more will be discussed on all of these points in later chapters. The point is not to let larger circumstances or the attitudes of others dictate your whole game. In many cases, there will never be a “perfect” time to approach a beautiful woman. Rather, the lesson is to be conscious of the larger forces at work, and rather than try to fight them, leverage them and use them to your advantage. To take the example of clothes, don’t dress in a way that goes against who you are or conveys a different identity (don’t dress like a rocker if you hate rock music), no matter how popular that fashion may be. Instead, find the middle ground between clothing that feels good for you, and what is fashionable and stylish in the larger context. You should always be pushing on your comfort zone to get a clearer understanding of what speaks to your real personality, and what is just surface-level fluff that feels comfortable because it is familiar. The most effective seducers are very in-touch with this distinction, and are able to manage the balance in an effective and often highly sophisticated way. Seduction fundamentally relies on patterns of male-female dynamics that originate in nature. However, humans are not just animals with the urge for mating. We are also social beings and thinking people who have built societies, religions, belief systems and civilizations. All of these things can help or hurt your chances. Being able to smartly navigate these manmade obstacles and leverage them to your advantage is what managing context is all about. Hierarchy of warmth Here is a general framework for understanding the amount of “warmth” and comfort in various situations or contexts. The further down the list you go, the warmer the situation. The higher up the list, the colder it is. Remember that the colder the situation, the more difficult in general it will be to seduce a given woman that you meet in that situation. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7.
8. 9. 10.
Free online dating Paid online dating Street/ park/ public square Public transport (bus/ trains); General bar/ nightclub More expensive transport (air travel, high-priced train travel); High-end bar or lounge General, popular retail shop or store (coffee shop, book store, supermarket, clothing store, etc); Large concert/ performance or sporting event with mass appeal Specialty retail store (specialty wine bar, coffee shop, baked goods, chocolate, tailor/ clothing store, specialty car dealership, etc); Small or private concert/ performance with limited or niche appeal Large party thrown by mutual friends (maximum of 2-3 degrees of separation among everyone at the party), 50 people or more Small, private, more exclusive party thrown by mutual friends (1-2 degrees of separation among everyone), less than 50 people Private social activity among just a small group of friends (1 degree of separation or less), dinner/ drinks with friends, for example 14
11. Local celebrity 12. Regional/ national celebrity Note that the more unique, out-of-the-way, exclusive, hidden and less well-known the venue, event or situation, the warmer it is. For the vast majority of men, you can increase your chances of getting dates and girlfriends by moving from levels 2-4 to the warmer levels of 7-10. On the other hand, there is a strong correlation between the coldness of the situation and the number of women you can potentially meet. For instance, you can meet far more women in an hour in a busy public square than you could in an entire year of going to small parties given by your ten closest friends over and over again. So if you prefer to stay in the colder situations, you will have more opportunities to approach women, but the tradeoff is that your odds of closing the deal with a given woman are lower. The key thing to remember is that seduction depends significantly on comfort, especially how comfortable the girl feels with you. Warmer situations provide more comfort, familiarity and commonality than colder situations, and that is why seduction is easier there. More on comfort and the role it plays in seduction will be discussed in Chapter 6.
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2. The women Now let’s look at the women themselves and see how their perspective and life situation affects your chances. Available women Not all women are single. Some are married, and of those that are not married, many are engaged or already in a relationship. Trying to tease out the women who are in happy and satisfying relationships versus those that are with a guy they are not very excited about is difficult if not impossible. The only way at the end of the day is to approach women and see how far you can push things. If she’s been dating some guy on and off for a while, but you present yourself as the better option, then her “boyfriend” will not be a factor for long. Women, if they are interested in you, will usually not mention their boyfriend or other men they are dating. If they are not interested in you, then they may claim to have a boyfriend when they really don’t. The number of available women varies from city to city and region to region. On a college campus, you will find a much higher percentage of single women than in a suburban community populated mostly by young families. Aside from the availability of the women that get your attention, there are other “softer” forces that might cut down on your seduction potential: •
•
• •
•
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Your physical qualities like handsomeness, height, build or overall fitness that will impact how women perceive you (if you are black, for example, some white women will love that and for others it will be a deal breaker) The situation that the woman finds herself in when you approach her. She may be technically single, but that’s only because she had a bad breakup with her ex-boyfriend several weeks ago and she is not ready to date again yet. She may not be committed to one man, but she has a rotation of 2 or 3 men that she is dating at the moment and has no room for a new one. She may be tired, cranky or otherwise in a bad mood when you happen to approach her. If you had approached her at a different time of day (she’s not a morning person), or in a different location (she hates meeting men in bars, but loves meeting them spontaneously during the day), then you would have gone out with her. But as it is, she’s not open to meeting you. She may have been approached by five men already before you. If you had been the first or only man to approach her, she would have been wide open and receptive. But after multiple approaches from guys, many of whom might have acted like douchebags, her defenses are raised sky-high. It will be that much harder for you to get through to her and connect with her. Everything may be going great, she’s into you and you’re into her, but the logistics prevent any real progress: she’s flying out of the country tomorrow morning, or you live too far away to
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•
•
•
bring her to your place, or her friend is getting too drunk and requires her assistance for the rest of the night, and so on. She is prepared to flirt and exchange numbers with an attractive stranger, but she will not be caught dead meeting up with him because she is afraid, has low confidence, has heard horror stories, or whatever other reason. She is attracted to you and happy to go out with you, but she has an ironclad “rule” that she never sleeps with a man except after X dates. If X is greater than what you are willing to do, then this is another lost opportunity. Your mood is off. She may have been attracted to you and even gone out with you if you had approached her when you were in a better mood/ more alert/ happier/ more relaxed/ less nervous. But as it is, you come across as a totally different person than you would have seemed if you were in a better state.
All of these are examples of obstacles that might get in the way of a successful seduction. Unfortunately, every potential male-female pairing in the world is not going to pan out. Sometimes there will be forces that are just out of your hands, and no matter how good your seduction skills, you will not get your desired result. Whether that is sex or a serious relationship or anything else. What you can do is maximize your chances by improving your skills and your overall attractiveness as much as possible, and pursuing women in the best situations and contexts possible. Aside from that, if a woman has weird hang-ups that prevent her from pursuing a guy she likes, or if the logistics in her life simply prevent anything from happening, then you have to accept that and move on. The Las Vegas effect What I call the “Las Vegas effect” is the phenomenon where women become more adventurous and open to trying new things on vacation (whether in Las Vegas or anywhere else). (This effect applies to men too.) It’s well known that women often are willing to try new and crazy things when they’re on vacation. First, they are away from home, so most of the social consequences (real or perceived) that would happen if they had sex with a random stranger do not apply. They have more freedom to pursue fantasies and take social and sexual risks. Second, the kind of woman who goes on vacation to a foreign city is typically more open-minded and interested in new experiences. A true stick-in-the-mud who fears change is unlikely to visit faraway places. Travel and tourism naturally select for women that are in an adventurous place in their lives. In general, women are more sensitive to, and affected by, the surrounding social context than men. Women’s sexuality, and their sexual decisions, are more plastic, flexible and more influenced by cultural norms. This has positive and negative implications. On the upside, it means that men have a lot of ways to become more attractive. Leveraging context to your advantage, as discussed in Chapter 1, can be very powerful. But on the downside, social norms can also present an obstacle to sexual connection. The Las Vegas effect greatly mitigates these social obstacles that otherwise would make seduction difficult or impossible. 17
The phenomenon of being more open-minded and adventurous is not limited to vacations. It often applies to students living and studying in a new city, and women living temporarily (over the course of months or even years) in a city for work or internships. On a smaller scale, it applies on holidays like Halloween, or other situations that temporarily suspend “the rules” that we have to live by (or that we think we have to live by). Alcohol-infused partying is the prime example. Men who study attraction and seduction realize that many things are possible with the opposite sex, that they are not beholden to the “normal” expectations of the culture. Women, for the most part, do not have this. The closest they can come to bending or breaking the rules (and still being relatively safe) is by going on vacations, carousing on the weekend, and/or dressing up in sexy and fantastical outfits.
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3. How often are women approached? It is often assumed that women are constantly getting approached by men. To the contrary, one of women’s biggest complaints is that men don’t approach them (especially attractive men). This is of course because the vast majority of men, including average guys of decent attractiveness, have too much approach anxiety to actually talk to women. They often rely on alcohol to get the courage to approach. And these approaches are often in social circle situations (work, school, a friend’s birthday party) where their odds of success are much greater, and where the men feel more comfortable talking to people. From the few approaches a typical man does under these conditions, he will get most or all of his girlfriends, one of which will eventually become his wife. Intimidating and inviting beauty What about the really beautiful women (those that would rank 8, 9 or 10 on most men’s “scales”)? Are they approached more often? It is tempting to think that the more attractive a woman is, the more she will be approached by men. To some degree this is true, but in many cases it’s not. We can identify two basic types of beautiful women: those that are intimidating and who seem unapproachable, and those that are unintimidating and who seem welcoming. A girl in one situation, dressed in a certain way, in a good mood and a slight smile on her face, will be the eminently approachable “girl next door.” The exact same girl, in a different context, with more daring makeup, with her bitchy energy in full force, suddenly becomes the intimidating man eater. Even aside from clothing and makeup choices, and apart from the situational context, some women simply have a “friendlier face” than others, depending on their bone structure and the shape of their eyebrows. Two women can have the same overall attractiveness level, but one might be intimidating-looking, through no fault of her own, and another looks friendly and approachable. I personally have known plenty of beautiful women, and their experiences with being approached by men are all over the map. Some are approached and chatted up constantly by all sorts of men. And others are rarely, if ever, approached by anybody, including men with very high confidence. Added up over several years, one of them will have been approached by potentially thousands of men, while the other, only a few dozen. Who is approaching her? Aside from her overall appearance and how she invites or intimidates men, a woman may not be approached by the kinds of men she wants to date. It is a mistake to think that all attractive women, or even most of them, are getting what they want in the dating game. She may want more casual relationships, independence and freedom, but the men she goes out with always want to lock her down. Or she may want a serious relationship and companionship, but the men she dates just want to sleep with her and treat her as a trophy to show off to their friends.
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Or she may have a hectic work schedule that prevents her from meeting good men or spending any real time dating. This can apply to many different kinds of women, not just those working in high-powered careers, but also women in entertainment and music, models or others who might have very difficult or unusual schedules. I’ve known plenty of models who, while enjoying their job, nevertheless were turned off by much of the culture or the social scene in that industry. There are countless possible reasons why a beautiful woman might not be satisfied in her dating or love life. The male factor (your “competition”) The last thing to remember is that different women are attractive to different men. Aside from the absolute pinnacle of hotness (which is a very small percentage of all females), the vast majority of women will be viewed differently by different members of the male population. Each man has unique preferences as far as body type, face, hair color, hair texture (straight, curly, wavy) and skin color/ race. And every man has a different feeling on tattoos, piercings, glasses, makeup, hairstyles, clothing choices, and other criteria (whether they have a specific opinion on them or not, they are probably drawn to one type of girl or the other). So a woman who is really hot to one man may be invisible to another. It also depends on where that man is at a given moment in his life. A guy might not introduce his parents to a girlfriend with blue hair and tattoos up her arms, but for a one night stand or to live out some fantasy, she might be perfect. For all these reasons, we can safely assume that there are plenty of women out there for each man, that each man would be physically attracted to, assuming he can put in the work to become attractive himself. There is no need to worry that the women who are attractive to you are being saturated with approaches from irresistible Casanovas.
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4. The women and relationships you want Figuring this out will be very important in determining your strategy and the expectations you have going into this process of improvement. Physical attractiveness I’m not a fan of any rating scale, but for the purpose of discussion, we can talk in general terms about the typical 1-10 scale, where a “10” is the absolute hottest physically. The absolute hottest women are a minority of all women, by definition. Women who are 6s, 7s or 8s are in much greater number. If you only want the absolute hottest women of all, then you will have to go through periods of few/ no results in between the good periods. This approach is best reserved for guys who want serious long term relationships, and advanced guys with a solid seduction skillset (beginners will seriously hurt their improvement if they allow themselves to go through long droughts like that). Getting one of these hottest girls will be a rare occurrence, so once you get her you want to lock her down. Focusing on the hottest girls and only the hottest girls is not viable for guys who want a large number of sex partners because the numbers just aren’t there for the vast majority of guys. Even the highest-value guys at the top of the sexual chain (rock stars, musicians, powerful nightclub owners, DJs, movie stars, pro athletes, and the like) who have high numbers of sex partners (sometimes in the hundreds or thousands), do not have exclusively 9s and 10s—the vast majority of their women are a bit lower on the totem pole: 8s, 7s and 6s, and the occasional average or below-average woman. There are simply not enough of the absolute hottest women in existence for a big-number strategy to be tenable. Compatibility What kinds of personalities, values, beliefs and lifestyles do you want in your women? Do you want them to be highly compatible or minimally so? For instance, if you are a 35 year old lawyer making a high salary, with his own apartment, working long hours, soft spoken, and generally a private individual who keeps to himself, would you be interested in a woman who is highly physically attractive, 19 years old, regularly does drugs, high maintenance, loud and wild, dresses in flashy attire, likes to make a scene and invites drama everywhere she goes? Would you be comfortable being seen in public with her, going to movies, bars, restaurants or events? You might say yes if you intend the relationship to be short term and you don’t expect to do very much with her outside the bedroom. But if you are looking for something more serious and long term, then the answer would probably be no. To even approach such a woman, much less go out with her, would be a waste of your time, no matter how physically hot she is, unless it’s for practice. However, she is hot. If you are not clear on where you are in your life, what you really want, and what you are willing to sacrifice to get it, then you may just make a mistake and start dating this chick. You will be embarrassed by her antics and unable to handle her in public. You will be caught unawares and 21
unable to lead her sexually and emotionally. Even if you do end up in bed with her, where can things possibly go from there? If you know going in that the relationship has an expiration date and it’s just for one or two nights of fun, then you can put appropriate boundaries, manage it and potentially have an amazing experience with her. But if you don’t know what you’re doing, then things could end very messily (with her making a scene in public in front of people you know, or trashing your apartment). No matter what you are looking for in terms of relationship length, you should have a good grasp on the kind of people you want in your life. This goes as much for friends and platonic relationships as for romantic interests. Make a list of ten major nonphysical qualities that you would desire in a girlfriend. Try to get a really good sense of the kind of woman you want to be with. Not only is this an important exercise in its own right, but this will help you screen women, project confidence and high standards, and reduce wasted time. Types of relationships Generally there are two types of relationships: casual/ short term and serious/ long term. You have to know what kind of relationship you want in general, and what type you want with a given girl, or at least what you are open to. If you don’t have a handle on this, then not only are you unlikely to get what you want, but you might send the wrong signals to the girls you meet and lead them on. If you are focusing on short term or casual relationships, then you will be attracted to different kinds of women, and your overall game will be more aggressive and sex-focused. If you are more interested in longer term relationships, then you will be focusing on the girl’s personality, lifestyle, interests, hobbies and other things that demonstrate long term compatibility. There is always an important place for sex regardless of your desired relationship type. The main difference between long term and short term is that sex plays a more prominent role (sometimes occupying almost 100% of the relationship’s energy) in the short term arrangements. For longer term relationships, nonsexual considerations have a greater role. There is a middle ground, a third option: the long term casual or open relationship. This is less common, because it’s a little trickier to pull off for most guys (and not as appealing to most women, who tend to prefer either short term open or long term exclusive). Usually advanced guys can do it if they set strong boundaries and clear expectations. It requires honesty, self-awareness and total comfort talking about relationships and sex openly with women. For all arrangements, the tone needs to be set early on (within the first few times you sleep with her). Otherwise, one party risks leading the other on. And the more times you sleep with someone, the more entangled you get emotionally with them (this is true for men and women, but especially for women), so you have to know what the hell you’re doing. If you are closer to the beginner side of the spectrum, then you might not have a strong sense of what you want with women and dating. In that case, take things one step at a time and focus on developing
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your skills and your comfort engaging with women at different levels: basic conversation, managing dates, physical escalation, and so on. Be open to new experiences and see what you are drawn to. If you are more intermediate or advanced, then it is especially important for you to figure out what exactly you want. You will be able to communicate honestly with women without tricking anyone or leading anyone on, and you will waste much less time chasing women who are incompatible. Beginners who need to improve at the basic level (approaching, basic conversation, basic flirting, general mindset changes, and so on) should lean towards taking more risks and talking to more women, rather than less. But intermediate guys who are able to get dates and even sex from time to time should zero in on what they want in relationships before they waste time and energy on the wrong things. Rather than taking more risks and talking to more women in general, they should try to take the right risks, and escalate with the right women.
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5. Your sexual presence You are “unique” in the sense that you are an individual person with unique DNA. But as far as sexual attractiveness is concerned, your uniqueness is limited. You might think that when you approach a girl and she responds to you and likes you and goes out with you, it’s because of your special qualities or skill in game. But in reality, another guy who looked similar to you, dressed similar, of a similar height and build, approaching her in a similar situation or moment in her life, would have attracted her just the same. The attractive qualities that an individual man has are often shared by many other men. The sexy stereotype This is why the phenomenon of the “sexy stereotype” is possible. A sexy stereotype is a recognizable male character that represents a specific culture, personality and lifestyle. It is essentially a shortcut way of conveying your identity and personality right from the start, bypassing a lot of the conversation and “getting to know each other” stuff that would otherwise be necessary. This idea has been around in pickup/ seduction circles for a long time. If you can fill out a very specific niche or male archetype then you will appeal to women who are looking for that archetype. You might turn off many women, but for those interested in the specific kind of guy you represent, the seduction will be extremely easy. It’s a higher-risk, higher-reward strategy. There are guys who spend their entire life just seducing one woman after another purely based on their sexy stereotype, and they get into both short term and long term relationships based on their image, overall personality and what they represent to the woman. However this tends to be more of an option for advanced guys with a decent amount of experience, a good seduction skillset, and clear selfawareness. Guys who are not as comfortable with themselves or who have not had enough experience with women, or people in general, need to work on those areas before trying to fill out a very unique niche. Here are some examples of sexy male stereotypes. These can also serve as inspiration as you develop your personal look and style. The authority figure Not only does this guy represent power and authority in the most literal sense, he is in a position of leadership and responsibility. The authority figure risks his life for others’ wellbeing, making him strong and courageous, but giving at the same time. Examples: police officer, fireman, soldier. The businessman This guy has worked hard to achieve a high-earning career in a white collar field. He represents achievement, wealth, stability and power. The natural image is a guy in an expensive, well-tailored suit with an expensive haircut and possibly a gold watch. He drives a BMW or Jaguar or, if he doesn’t drive, hires a car service to get around town. He has money to burn on fancy dinners and bottle service at high-end clubs. Examples: executives, lawyers, investment bankers, financial professionals. 24
The musician The musician is a creative and musical guy who may be into any type of genre (Jazz, Rock, Hip-hop, Pop, Blues, Latin, whatever). He’s either in a band or plays music regularly. Being passionate about music, he’s probably super talented in one instrument (guitar, piano and drums being the biggest ones). There is something about male creative energy that is especially appealing to women. The musician may dress in the niche style of his subculture, or just keep it simple. His creative energy is concentrated in his art. Examples: Kenny G, Bob Dylan, Paul McCartney/ The Beatles, Jimi Hendrix, Elvis Presley, Mick Jagger. The baller/ bon vivant/ playboy This character has a taste for the good life. He loves good food, good company, and good women. He is also associated with expensive tastes in all things—fashion, dining, parties and social scenes. The classic playboy has a flashy lifestyle and grabs attention everywhere he goes, but is most known for his appetite for women and sexual adventure. The starving artist This is a guy who gives up everything for his creative passion. He may live on a friend’s couch while he tries to sell his artwork. He may have a job as a waiter while he pursues his acting dream. The point is that he is taking a big risk in his life and chasing a dream that inspires him. This could apply to painters, musicians, actors, comedians, dancers, fashion designers or others in creative endeavors. The athlete Of course, his main thing is sports, fitness and competition. Athletic competition has a certain primal, masculine quality to it that is very appealing to women. And the high-achieving athletic man also has a high level of fitness, physical strength and is usually taller and more muscular than the average guy. He’s often admired and worshipped by average people, whether at the high school, college or professional level. Examples: pro athletes in the NFL, NBA, NHL, MLB, European soccer stars. The exotic foreigner Needless to say, what is exotic in one place will not be exotic in another. So this one is highly contextdependent. An Australian, Italian or French accent will make many American and Canadian women swoon. And an American accent will make many British and European women melt. Your skin color, body type, style of dress and general mannerisms may also play into how “exotic” or foreign you seem in a given setting. The beach bum He lives a relaxed, care-free life on the beach in California, Florida or the Caribbean. His whole persona is especially appealing to busy urban women who need a psychological escape from the rat race. He’s also tanned and fit, since he spends so much time outdoors surfing and swimming. He comes close to the ideal of “man in a state of nature.” Example: Laird Hamilton. The professor/ intellectual He is not just the smartest and most well-read person in the room, he has also worked hard in his field and has achieved leadership as a professor or researcher. He is witty, sharp, has an anecdote ready for
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any occasion, and loves deep conversations about fascinating topics. His authority in a university setting gives him huge attractiveness for the female students. Examples: Noam Chomsky, Christopher Hitchens. These archetypes are more or less universal, and will be found in almost all large countries. Of course, there are many sexy female stereotypes as well: the nerd/ gamer, ghetto girl, rocker chick, runway/ fashion model, porn star/ stripper, farmer girl, cheerleader, doting housewife, and so on. Becoming a more attractive version of yourself When you improve your attractiveness and seduction skills, you are bringing out the fundamental male qualities that are universally attractive to women. But you are bringing them out in a way that is consistent with your individuality. This makes you (a) more attractive in general, but also (b) more appealing to women who like your personality or the type of guy you are. Suppose you are intellectual and enjoy discussing philosophy and science. But you are not very confident or have poor social skills. By improving your confidence, social skills and comfort in your sexuality, you do not negate your other interests—you are still a smart guy who likes philosophy and science. But now, to a girl who is also into that kind of stuff, you will be extremely attractive. Not only do you share similar interests and hobbies, but you also have those raw masculine qualities that appeal directly to a woman’s primal sexual desires. Now she does not have to settle for a confident, ballsy guy who is unintelligent or unintellectual just to have sex. She can get the best of both worlds with you because you are excelling in both arenas. And on top of that, there will be plenty of girls who do not share your same interests, but who will nevertheless respond to your sexual, masculine attributes and be interested in you on that basis, for either shorter term or longer term relationships.
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~II~
Framework What seduction is
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6. Excitement and comfort All seduction comes down to two simple components: excitement and comfort. A woman does not have sex with a man unless she is excited by him. And she does not have sex unless she feels comfortable with him. Both are necessary for a successful seduction, with rare exceptions that will be discussed below. “Excitement” means stimulation, arousal, escalation, being aggressive and pushing things forward. “Comfort” means de-stimulation, developing actual comfort, trust, de-escalation, pulling things back and giving space. The seduction process is a constant balancing act. The energy between you and the woman swings back and forth between excitement and comfort as time goes on. And both excitement and comfort get stronger and more intense as time goes on. Excitement and comfort go from “lighter” to “heavier” as the seduction proceeds. In other words, as you spend more time with the woman and escalate and push things forward physically and emotionally, she gets progressively more excited/ stimulated/ aroused by you, and she gets progressively more comfortable/ trusting/ familiar with you as well. Eventually, the culmination of all this excitement and comfort is physical intimacy and sex. Below is a simple table illustrating light and heavy forms of excitement and comfort. Examples of actions, words and activities, and where they fall in excitement and comfort:
Light
Heavy
Excitement
Light Excitement: • Approaching/ opening • Simple teasing/ flirting • Light touching in social areas/ less sexual areas
Heavy Excitement: • Heavier physical escalation in more personal/ intimate areas • Sexual innuendo • More sexual verbal escalation
Comfort
Light Comfort: • Basic social conversation • Acting normal • Looking good/ normal
Heavy Comfort: • Deep rapport • Deep emotional connection • Strong physical calibration • Looking especially good/ conveying some niche identity
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Most of seduction happens on the heavier side of the spectrum. That is also where most of the challenges and successes will become apparent. While these are overall trends, in a given moment she will be feeling either primarily excited or primarily comfortable. Note that while excitement and comfort operate in opposite directions, and they act on different aspects of her emotions, they do not work against each other. They are complementary and build each other up and provide space for each other. The more excitement that is generated, the more room you have created for genuine comfort to take hold. And the more comfort you have created, the more room there is for excitement to occur. There are two broad ways of generating excitement and comfort: (1) “game”/ conversation/ escalation, and (2) status/ reputation/ power. They are not mutually exclusive, and most guys can employ both strategies to some extent. This ebook focuses primarily on the first strategy. Generate excitement and comfort with game I have found this simple model, far simpler than many other popular models of seduction, to be extremely effective and useful. One of the best things about simplifying seduction in this way is that it gives you flexibility to apply these principles in different ways depending on your personality, the situation, the girl’s responses and your preferred method of game. Both excitement and comfort can come in many different forms. In verbal game, you can generate excitement by: • • • • • • • • • • • • • •
Cracking jokes and being funny or humorous Talking about risky or unusual things that get people’s attention Being loud Teasing her Flirting with her Sexual innuendo Making direct sexual statements Direct openers Making physical compliments of her Speaking with high energy and enthusiasm Asking her out Asking for her phone number Disagreeing with her about something Pointing out differences between the two of you
And in verbal game, you can generate comfort by: •
Getting serious and normal 29
• • • • • • • • •
Revealing something personal about yourself Talking about normal, safe topics Agreeing with her about something Finding commonality and similarities between the two of you Being quiet and chill, not loud or attention-grabbing Speaking with relaxed, laidback energy Expressing understanding of her Expressing appreciation of her Expressing acceptance of her
In the case of physical game, you generate excitement by: • • • • • • • • •
Getting physically close to her, closing the distance Holding eye contact Looking at her body in a sexual way Touching her for the first time Increasing the frequency of the touching Increasing the intimacy of the touching Isolating and moving to a new place Lifting her up Starting dancing with her
And in physical game, you generate comfort by: • • • • • • •
Moving slightly away physically, creating distance Breaking eye contact/ looking away Reducing the frequency of touching Reducing the intimacy of the touching2 Staying in the same spot for a while Putting her down after lifting her up Finishing/ ending dancing
There are many other potential examples. Much of excitement and comfort is generated in the process of acting and reacting in conversation. She says one thing, and how you react will determine whether you generate excitement (by joking or teasing her for example) or comfort (by giving an honest and genuine response). Note also that all of these examples are at different levels of intensity or “heaviness.” Touching her lightly on the shoulder for the first time generates excitement, but it is a lower level of intensity than grabbing her for a dance. Chatting about safe, normal topics facilitates comfort, but it is less comfort than what is generated by having a deep emotionally open conversation. 2
More on physical escalation will be discussed in Chapter 10
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And remember that you can only do those “heavier” actions once enough excitement or comfort has been established with her. You can’t just go up to a girl on the street and grab her to start dancing. That is too much excitement, and too little comfort has been established so far. But you can approach her and give a compliment, that lower level of excitement will work. In the same way, you can’t walk up to a girl and immediately have a deep, soul-searching conversation with her. Not enough excitement or comfort has been established yet for that to be tenable. But it can be done later on in the process. Both excitement and comfort are necessary to seduction. She has to feel excited and stimulated by you (emotionally and physically), and she has to feel comfortable with you (emotionally and physically). Pre-game: Generate excitement and comfort with status The concepts of excitement and comfort also help us understand why some men are able to seduce women very quickly and completely, seemingly without very much rapport, or without much effort in general. It is known that men enjoying a high level of status in society (famous actors, professional athletes, prominent businessmen), or in a specific situation (bartenders, bouncers, club promoters) are more sexually desirable than lower-ranking men. Why? In the ancestral environment, a man with status and power offered protection from threats, and safety for the woman and her offspring (hence comfort). He also could provide resources, wealth, adventures and new experiences, which benefit both the woman and her offspring (hence excitement). And purely from the standpoint of physical pleasure, a powerful man is more likely to have sexual experience that enables him to give a woman satisfaction in bed. For these reasons, a man with status can induce significant excitement and comfort in women simply by walking in the room. For example, take a famous movie star whose face has been seen a million times on TV and in newspapers. A woman has watched movies with this man, seen TV specials about him, and read interviews with him. If one day she meets him in person, not only is it extremely exciting and stimulating (he has a seemingly superhuman amount of status, power and influence), but there is also a very strong undercurrent of comfort at work: she knows who he is, she has read about him, she has heard about his background and life story. All of the typical things that a guy would have to discuss on a first meeting or first date (or even multiple dates) so that the girl feels like she knows him, this movie star doesn’t have to worry about because millions of women already know all of that. So when they meet him in person, the familiarity and trust is already there. If you are not an Academy Award winner, you can approximate this effect by conveying as much about your identity and personality as possible before you even open your mouth. One way to do this is to develop a strong social circle of friends who like you and look up to you. These friends will then sing your praises to their female friends long before you meet them. Thus you become something of a “mini-celebrity,” significantly increasing the comfort and familiarity that those women
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feel towards you right from the start. It can also build you up in their imaginations and create anticipation, facilitating excitement when they do meet you. (It’s not a good idea to make friends solely for the purpose of getting dates. It won’t work anyway because no one wants to be friends with a fake person. Rather, work on building a fun and enjoyable circle of friends and connections and keep women and dating in the back of your mind as an added bonus.) Another way to do this is through your clothing. You can dress in a way that conveys a very specific identity or personality. She will see from across the room and get a sense of what you are all about long before you even approach her. But the key is that your outfit must convey a very clear, universally identifiable image. It doesn’t help to wear an item that meant something back in your small university but that nobody else in the world knows about. It can also be exciting to her if she sees you as a particular kind of archetype. If she’s always had a thing for rocker guys, and you walk in the room in full rocker regalia, she’s going to be interested or excited before you’ve even opened your mouth. For more on style and the sexy stereotype, see Chapter 5. Another way to increase pre-game comfort is by hanging out in places or situations where your presence says something about you. For example, if you are in a club playing a very niche kind of music, and you meet a girl there, she will automatically feel more in common with you than if she met you in the street. Other examples would be a concert, an audition for actors or theater performers, or a dance class. Even though the two of you are strangers, the simple fact that you are both there implies a certain level of commonality and therefore comfort. Strong eye contact and the way you carry yourself can also make you more attractive and facilitate both excitement and comfort before you have approached her.3 As a general rule, meeting women through social circle connections (work, school, friends of friends, friends of your family members, neighbors, and so on) has a much higher success rate than meeting women cold, as strangers, because of the greater familiarity and comfort created by the social circle. As a stranger, you have to create that comfort from scratch, which is certainly doable, but will always be an uphill battle.4 Exceptions to the rule It is possible to have sex with a woman without very much excitement. An excess of comfort over excitement is seen with the classic “nice guy” or a guy who is in the “friend zone.” Although he is basically a friend, sex among friends is still possible and it does happen. Once in a blue moon, he will sleep with a woman with this relationship. The kind of woman who goes for this guy is in a situation where she feels very comfortable with him, connected to him, and safe emotionally and physically.
3 4
Nonverbal game is covered in Chapter 9 For more on warm game and the effect of social circles, see Chapter 1
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Crucially, she does not need any stimulation or excitement in order to be intimate with him, for whatever reason. Maybe she is sick and tired of players and cads who toy with her. Maybe she is in a particularly vulnerable place in her life at that moment. It’s not impossible, but it is basically a rare phenomenon. Although the nice guy could technically sleep with women if he were to approach large numbers of them (because the success rate is so low), by definition an asexual “nice guy” tends to be a guy who does not approach women. In the case of too much excitement and not enough comfort, this is the domain of the classic player or the slick, sexy guy who does not generate enough familiarity or connection with the girl. This is a guy who says all the right things, runs game on lots of girls, gets girls to laugh and feel kind of sexual, but without the underlying connection for her to actually take him seriously. He might be a slick PUA, dressed impeccably well and drenched in cologne. Or he might even be a clown or a “court jester,” making girls laugh and doing goofy high-energy routines to attract attention and pump energy. Whatever the specific incarnation, there is not enough comfort to match the excitement side and he will lose a lot of opportunities. But, like the comfortable nice guy, he will still get some results. These kinds of guys usually approach large volumes of women hoping that one or two will stick. It’s not a bad strategy if you have a ton of time on your hands and have a superior level of outcome independence. It also tends to work if you do not have the highest standards for the women you sleep with, because you need so many leads to get a closed deal. Despite these exceptions to the rule, the most consistent results will come from a solid combination of both comfort and excitement. Finding the right balance between the two that works for your personality and style is critical. Your personal game One of the biggest reasons why guys who try to improve with women often come away discouraged and unsuccessful is because they try to adopt someone else’s game. This is a problem for several important reasons. Different guys have different goals. One guy might be looking for a one-night stand. You may be looking for a girlfriend. The things you talk about, the pace of escalation and other key elements will all differ depending on what you are looking for. So if you are looking for a serious relationship but you are using the techniques that someone else uses to get same night lays, you will probably fail. Different guys have different personalities, strengths and weaknesses. What works for someone else might not work for you, even if you have the same goals. A tall good looking guy with a silky smooth voice has certain clear strengths that a short, average looking guy with a high voice does not. They will be perceived differently by women, treated differently and therefore their game has to be different. Factors like race, skin color and body type all play a role. In the same way, a guy may be good looking but dumb as a rock. In that case, verbal game will not be his strong suit. Another guy who is articulate and uses language to his advantage will succeed where the other guy fails, even if he is not as good looking. 33
Different approaches work in different places. What works in night game may actually be counterproductive in the daytime, and vice versa. So if you are studying a guru who has a great method that he has tested in bars and night clubs in a major city, but you prefer to meet women in shopping malls and coffee shops in the suburbs, that is a conflict. Unfortunately, most of the pickup industry does not adequately identify these differences and what works in one situation versus another. Instead they present their methods as “how to get women,” which is the broadest, most general concept imaginable. So instead of all that, think about your own personality, your strengths, weaknesses and where you like to spend time. If you hate loud, crowded places, then don’t go to bars and clubs to meet women. Go to quieter and more low-key places instead. If you are introverted, don’t try to mimic the game of an extrovert, no matter how successful he is. And above all, consider what exactly you are looking for, and what kind of women you really want to be in your life.5 Consider the fundamental forces of seduction—excitement and comfort—and how you can best execute these and use them to your advantage. Use the techniques and ideas in this ebook to design your own personal game and engage with women in a sexual and powerful way that is nevertheless totally congruent with your core personality and desires. You should have a clear sense of what you want, where you want to meet women, what kinds of women you want to meet, and what you are bringing to the table. You now understand the basic outlines of how seduction works. Next comes the “tailoring” process where you fit the two pieces together. You will find the ideal middle ground between the universal patterns of seduction on the one hand, and your individual life and goals on the other. After sex Don’t assume the game is over once you sleep with a girl. You will still have to “game” her on some level, indefinitely, no matter how short or long the relationship lasts. Excitement and comfort will continue to be central. If at any point she no longer feels excitement from you, or she no longer feels comfort, or both, then the relationship will suffer. Many marriages and long term relationships suffer or fail because the excitement dissipates over time and things become too comfortable. Countless couples know the feeling of being in a “routine” where nothing is surprising or stimulating anymore. Everything is just safe and soft. In this case, excitement needs to be introduced back into the mix to spice things up and stoke that desire again. Excitement can come in the form of flirting, teasing, challenging, date nights, new bedroom activities, or other measures. This is why it’s better to focus on seduction as the cultivation and management of sexual connection (physical and emotional connection), rather than as a series of tasks you need to do to have sex.
5
More on this was discussed in Chapter 4
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In the long run you will find much more satisfaction in being a seducer, a man who is able to connect with women on a physical and emotional level, than in being “a guy who can get laid.” The guys who have the most sex with the best women are those who are living powerful and engaging lives, and sex is an added bonus to their overall lifestyle. They don’t focus on sex, they focus on those other things. And sex is the byproduct. While seduction to the first sex is the most critical, you will need to continue seducing your woman over time. And she needs to keep seducing you as well (that’s for her to worry about). The best and longestlasting relationships are those where a balance of strong comfort and strong excitement keeps renewing itself over time.
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7. Comfort and communication Between excitement and comfort, comfort tends to be the more challenging and complex aspect of seduction. Comfort means trust, safety, familiarity, understanding, acceptance and rapport. The good news is that, with the right practice, introverts can realize a tremendous advantage in comfort game.6 Recall that the vibe swings back and forth between excitement and comfort as the conversation or the overall seduction moves forward. You will keep exciting and stimulating her all the way through to the end. And you will keep reaching deeper levels of comfort and connection all the way through as well. There is no point in the process where excitement “ends” and comfort “begins.” They are both continuously in effect, although in a given moment, one or the other will be more prominent. This chapter will provide basic guidelines for developing comfort and connection with women, including how to process her communication. This provides a foundation for the details discussed in later chapters. Overall strategy for comfort and connection Genuine conversation that allows connection to occur can be facilitated with two very simple tools: (1) listening/ observation and (2) sharing. Mastering these two skills can potentially revolutionize your results with women. Listening to the girl and processing what she is saying is a simple but effective way to keep a conversation interesting and make an emotional connection. Too many men have mediocre or terrible listening and observation skills. This creates numerous problems, small and large. The biggest problem is that it inhibits a real connection from developing. Connection requires a two-way communication, and if the woman is saying something or expressing something, and he is not listening, it is almost impossible for him to connect with her. Poor observation also results in the question chain that many guys fall into, where they ask one question after another, creating a dreadfully boring conversation: Man: Hi, how are you? Woman: Good. M: What are you drinking? W: A beer. M: What kind of beer? W: XYZ brand. M: How is it? W: Good. M: Cool. So... do you come here often?
6
More on the introvert’s strengths is discussed in Chapter 8
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And so on. You get the idea. If it’s painful or annoying to read, imagine how much more torturous it would be for the woman on the receiving end of this interrogation. If he wanted to know what she was drinking, he could just look at the bottle in her hand and read the label, or ask her “Is that XYZ beer?” And then make a comment on the brand, or on beer in general. That would be more interesting than asking her another question on top of a question. What is basically happening here is that the guy notices that the girl is attractive, but he is not really listening or paying attention to her beyond that. He hasn’t said anything about the way she is dressed, her overall energy or state, the situation or the bar itself. Nor has he said anything about his current situation, if he is here for the first time, if he is out with friends, or his opinion of the beer. Instead of sharing himself, sharing a story, expressing his opinion about something, or stating an interesting observation, he is asking her question after question expecting her to do the work. If you approach someone, the onus is on you to start and lead the conversation. The other person didn’t approach you, you approached them. You must have an attitude of giving value, rather than taking value. Most guys see beautiful women as being above them and having more “value” than them. As a result they approach with the mindset that “she has all the value here, she has all the coolness, she has the more interesting life, the more interesting opinions and lifestyle, etc.” But successful seducers think differently: “The girl may have high value, but I don’t know yet. All I know is that she is hot physically. I also know that I have a ton of value and cool and interesting things going on in my life, stories to share, opinions, ideas, beliefs, perspective.” This different mindset is consistent with a more effective conversation style. Instead of trying to create a conversation by drawing value and topics out of the girl, and hoping that she will lead it, he is leading the conversation and letting it develop organically by opening up and sharing what he has to offer. What he has to offer ranges from simple observations, compliments and opinions (early on), all the way to emotional stories from his past, his core beliefs about various things, and his dreams and ambitions (later on). Let’s replay that brief interaction with an alternative, more interesting thread that he could say: M: Hi, you look nice. W: Thanks. M: I really like your dress, it’s very colorful. W: Thanks, I like color. M: I also noticed that you have a very relaxed energy about you. Like you are just taking it easy after a long day at work. W: Actually I don’t work. But yeah, I am relaxing. I had an exam today in school. M: I remember taking exams back in college. I actually had a friend who took a final exam drunk. Do you think that she will be curious to hear the rest of the story? It’s a good bet. Primarily because it is connected to her reality. If he had opened with “Hey, guess what, one time my friend took an exam drunk,” not only would it be a random way to start a conversation, but he would be taking the gamble that she is interested in hearing about it. She may not be a student. She may not have even gone to 37
college, in which case a story about exams is not very interesting to her. But once she reveals that exams and school is part of her reality, then sharing that bit of information makes sense. If school is irrelevant to her, then he could share or talk about something else. Notice another important difference from the first conversation: the guy is simply saying more. He is giving her more to work with. As a result, she gives more in response. Instead of saying “You look nice,” and leaving it at that, he follows it up by expanding on it and making a specific observation: “I like your dress, it’s colorful.” It’s actually a very simple compliment, but the specificity of it helps to prompt her to share something and participate that extra little bit in the conversation: “I like color.” At this point my hypothetical dude chose to switch topics, but he could have just as easily continued on the color theme by saying, for instance: “You must have a lot of colorful clothes in your closet.” “Do you always dress like that or is it a special occasion?” “It’s a good look for the spring time, people like color in the warm weather.” Notice that each of these sentences gives her more to respond to than “That’s cool” or “Wow, that’s nice.” Notice also that even that little bit of feedback and response from the girl gives you leverage to expand and deepen the conversation from there. You can take everything she says and use it to make the conversation more interesting and more engaging by exploring the topic, sharing something about yourself that is related to it, or asking follow-up questions. Observation and sharing feed into each other and support each other. The more you observe (in the girl, in the environment, in the situation) the more you are able to share. Observations give you fuel to keep a conversation going, and new topics that you can share information about. And the more you share, the more you able to observe. As you talk and give information about yourself and your perspective/ opinions on things, she does the same process—she listens and gives information and ideas and opinions from her perspective, which gives you more to observe. The end result is that you both learn about each other, get to know each other, become familiar and more comfortable with each other, and lay the foundation for deeper emotional connection as the conversation progresses. Her nonverbal communication Paying attention to the woman you are approaching and noticing details about her will make conversation all but effortless. Here are the major ways that she communicates and expresses herself nonverbally: Her clothing and accessories: shoes, boots, socks, tights, pants, skirts, belt, blouse, dress, purse/ handbag, bracelets, painted fingernails, painted toenails, keychain, rings, necklaces, piercings, tattoos, watches, makeup, hairstyle, hats, scarves, coats, jackets, earrings, glasses, sunglasses, even her cell phone—all of these things are fair game to give a compliment or to talk about.
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Examples of observations: • •
Compliment the colors, the quality, the textures Compliment her overall look o “You look very stylish” o “You have a very relaxed and laid back style” o “You look very elegant” o “You look like you’re dressed perfectly for the warm/ cold weather” o “Your dress is really sexy”
Complimenting a girl on something she is wearing is always great because it shows right off the bat that you are noticing her individually. It’s also great because her clothing, accessories and body art is an expression of her individuality, and therefore it gives a window into her personality. Girls are essentially constantly giving you ways to start conversations with them by wearing unique things. You could basically spend the rest of your life opening based on clothing and accessories and never run out of things to say or be left without an opener. Note on makeup: rather than saying “I like your makeup” or something like that (which will either come across weird or gay), observe what her makeup says about her. So if she is all dolled up with a lot of makeup you could say “You look like you’re going to a big party or special event,” or if she is wearing no makeup you could say “I’m guessing you’re just relaxing and having a laid back night.” It doesn’t really matter if the assumption is right or wrong, it’s just an excuse to get talking and get the conversation rolling. Don’t overthink it. Her current activity: anything she is eating, drinking, reading, writing, texting, her computer, her books, and so on. Her expressions and body language: does she look happy, excited, relaxed, bored, lost, nervous, tired, in a rush, walking leisurely, etc. All of these things are potential openers. In fact you can take these observations of her nonverbals and create the first 60 seconds of conversation all on your own. You don’t even need her to say anything for you to make a conversation. Her verbal communication As you get into a conversation, a whole new realm of topics opens up, again, as long as you are paying attention. Here are just a few ways she might communicate verbally: Her stories: about her life, job, school, family, friends. The kinds of topics she’s bringing up during the conversation: for example, if she keeps relating things back to her work, it might be a sign that she really likes her job, or it might be a sign that it consumes her life; if she keeps talking about parties she has been to, or clothes and fashion, or books she has read, then that indicates where her mind is. 39
The way she sounds when she speaks: for example, does she sound excited when she talks about her job, or bored/ unsatisfied; see which topics get her energy up, and which topics bring her energy down. The actual information she is sharing about herself: where was she born, what does she do, where did she go to school, where does she live, how close is she to her family, what does she do in her spare time, and so on. All of these are ways that she is expressing herself or saying something about herself. Notice these things and use them as jumping-off points for openers, transitions, new conversation topics, statements, assumptions, questions, and follow-up questions. Remember to keep things positive and complimentary when opening and beginning the conversation, and for most of the conversation keep it either positive or neutral. You can introduce disagreements or disapproval later on in the process once both of you have rapport and have gotten to know each other (with some girls this might take just a minute or two, with others it might take half an hour). But you should never have a negative attitude towards her. If you do, then you should probably leave her. Remember these fundamental principles of comfort, connection and communication as you read the coming chapters. You will apply these principles in your interactions through verbal and nonverbal tools, through words and action.
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8. The introvert’s strengths and weaknesses in seduction Introverted men in general have a disadvantage in the early stages of seduction, but an advantage in the later stages. (Extraverted men have the reverse situation.) Introverts tend to have difficulty with basic conversation, developing that initial basic rapport and stimulating excitement. Flirting, teasing and joking does not come naturally to many introverts. However at the later stages of seduction where deeper rapport and emotional connection is the name of the game—and where the seduction is really solidified and the sex becomes guaranteed—introverts tend to excel where extraverts have a harder time. This is not to say these qualities are fixed. Practice and experience can change everything. An introvert who practices and improves his skills can often outperform an extravert who does not, including in areas where extraverts have a natural advantage (like banter or chitchat). But the point is that if you are an introvert, you should know where your natural strengths lie and which areas you might need to pay closer attention to in order to get the results you want. One major advantage that extraverts have is that they are energized by social interaction. Since meeting women often happens in social situations, especially high-energy settings in night game, extraverts can often get a huge number of prospects relatively easily. With more prospects, it’s easier for them to play a numbers game because they are, in many ways, energized by it. Introverts can play the numbers game too, but it will take far more energy on their part. Introverts are often better advised to focus on increasing the quality of their game to convert a higher percentage of their leads, rather than increasing the quantity of women they approach. An introvert can and should still approach many women. For instance, a dozen per week or 50 per month are not bad goals at all. But extraverts can often approach even larger numbers with less mental effort. With repeated, controlled exposure, an introvert can become more comfortable in social situations. He will build up his tolerance and eventually lose less energy when out in busy environments like in night game. Just as you get progressively more comfortable approaching women over time, you can become more comfortable in social situations. This doesn’t mean that you will turn into an extraverted, highenergy social butterfly, but it does mean you can be more effective and get better results. Social stamina is like a muscle. The more you exercise it, and the more experience you give yourself, the stronger it gets. But only if you train it correctly. Just like it’s a mistake to try to lift 100 pound weights the first time you go to a gym, it’s a mistake to think you can have amazing conversations with 20 gorgeous women the first night you go out, when you haven’t spoken to more than 20 strangers in your entire life to that point.
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Instead, you start small, and gradually work your way up to larger and larger goals. Practice just walking over and saying hello. Once that feels normal, practice giving a detailed compliment. Then practice giving a compliment and asking a question. And so on. Over time you will be able to last longer in social situations and meet more people. And you will need to take fewer and shorter breaks in between interactions. When I was younger, I would need to rest and recharge for a long time after just a five minute conversation with a stranger. Today, I am able to stay out for hours at a time and meet many people before I get really tired. For introverts, social energy is hard to create or maintain. The problem of energy gives the introvert a natural disadvantage when it comes to meeting women, but a natural strength when it comes to connection and rapport. Since connection and rapport is where the seduction really takes root, the introvert should be right at home in this phase of the process. Connection and building deep comfort is about “merging” with another person on an emotional and psychological level. When you approached her or first met her, you didn’t know each other. You have had conversations and become more familiar with each other through basic conversation and flirtation. Now you are going from being people who know each other to people who are connected with each other emotionally.7
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For more on building genuine comfort and emotional connection, see Chapter 13
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~III~ Action What to do
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9. Nonverbal communication and developing a sexual aura In the long run, your nonverbal behavior will be determined by your mentality and attitude. But in the short term, you can develop a more compelling presence by consciously working on your nonverbal skills. If you are an introvert, you are probably not a particularly talkative person. However, the good news is that you can generate sexual attraction without speaking, or even being particularly social. You don’t have to do a lot in the verbal realm in order to be more attractive or interesting to women. Focus your energy on your nonverbals. This is one of the biggest secrets to game for an introverted man. If you are an introvert, and you aren’t getting any interest from women, then chances are your nonverbals are the culprit. If your nonverbals are good, and you think you aren’t getting any interest, chances are that you actually are getting interest from women, but you don’t realize it or don’t notice it. I have seen many students who had good body language and a good sense of style, who were attractive and got interest from women, but who did not realize how attractive they were and never noticed all the girls checking them out during the course of the day. If you assume that women don’t like you, then sure enough, you will not notice all the girls giving you signals of interest (eye contact, smiles, and open body language). Instead, you will notice all the girls not looking at you, walking too fast for you to talk to them, or turning away from you. Realize that if you can carry yourself with more confidence and power, make and hold eye contact with attractive women, dress well and look your best, then women will notice you and you are in a position to capitalize on this attraction. There are three critical areas of nonverbal communication: body language, eye contact and voice tone. Body language Remember some general principles to guide your body movements: you want to be confident, comfortable in your own skin, unafraid to take risks, unafraid to take up space, and comfortable touching women8. These are qualities that women notice. Keep this in mind as you improve your body language. When going out with a girl, your body language should be consistent with when you first met her. Your body language should be confident, relaxed and masculine throughout, from the approach all the way to the bedroom. Consistency in how you act helps engender comfort and trust on her part. If you look at the body language of powerful and influential men—business and political leaders, men with high social status—there is a lot of relaxed control and calmness to their movements. One of the 8
More on physical escalation will be discussed in the next chapter
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biggest mistakes that guys make is coming across too nervous or jittery. While it is understandable to be nervous in front of a beautiful woman (and we will discuss more on how you can beat that anxiety in later chapters), that doesn’t change the fact that it’s unattractive. The body language of a powerful, dominant man is stable, steady and smooth. Even men who are not all that powerful in the grand scheme of things—for example, a guy who is not the governor of anything, but maybe just a confident guy walking into a bar—can send a signal of power and dominance through their body language in this way. Having those kinds of movements communicates self-assuredness and stability, which are highly attractive qualities to women. The main effect of this is to generate comfort. Just as a caring, responsible parent projects dominance, authority and self-trust and therefore provides a source of stability and comfort for his child, a sexually desirable man projects those same qualities when interacting with other people. As a leader (or a potential leader), he is not afraid of attention, and not afraid of other people generally. He feels safe and secure in his own space. How does a person act when they are frightened, intimidated by those around them or afraid of the spotlight? They shrink and make their body smaller by slouching or curling up, they put their arms and hands in front of their chest, they might hide their face with their hands, turn away from others, frown, or put their hands in their pockets. All of these are defensive or self-protection movements. They do not show the image of a leader. They do not indicate someone who is willing to put himself out there and receive others. Here are the main components of powerful and attractive body language: • • • • • •
Straight posture Head up, looking straight ahead (not down) Uncrossed arms (not protecting one’s chest) Relaxed muscles throughout the body (every muscle group) Relaxed facial muscles Calm overall energy—steady and relaxed hand gestures, head movements and body movements (no quick-moving, jittery or super-excited movements like vigorous nodding or constant fidgeting while you’re talking)
Notice that all of these body language cues convey vulnerability and openness. A person who is protecting themselves or trying to avoid interaction with others does not have relaxed muscles and uncrossed arms with straight posture. Instead, they will contort their face into a frown, cross their arms, slouch and turn away from the crowd. That body language essentially says “I don’t want to talk to anyone, leave me alone, I don’t feel good right now.” By contrast, the powerful, open body language says “I am open to being approached and talked to.” If you are an introvert, you may not be totally comfortable in social situations. You do not have to be the center of attention. But you do have to be comfortable putting yourself out there and being present in situations where there are other people. Over time as you gain experience, you will loosen up and
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become more comfortable, and your body language will reflect that. In the meantime, pay attention to the signals your body and face are sending. If they don’t scream “talk to me, I’m a friendly person” they should at least be neutral and nonthreatening. Finally, pay attention to your walk as well as your stationary body language. You want to walk in a steady, controlled fashion. Walk with straight posture, head up, relaxed muscles, and even a little swagger. If there is no reason to rush, don’t. Take your time and walk at your own pace. Walk with open body language (hands out of the pockets; don’t cross your arms in front of your chest; relaxed and friendly face) and don’t be afraid to let people look at you as you walk down the street or enter a room. Be happy to let people notice you and check you out. Once you master effective body language, you will be in a position to play around with it and bend the rules. For instance, if you are a tall guy (taller than most people around you at any given time), then you have the freedom to slouch a little bit when talking to people. Slouching makes you a little shorter, but since everyone else is so much shorter than you, it makes no difference. It may even make you seem more relaxed and laid back. You can lean against a wall with lazy posture while a girl is facing you talking, and project a kind of laid back ease that says “I know you’re mine, come get me.” Eye contact Eye contact is one of the most important elements of attraction and seduction, and one that is not given enough attention in much of pickup and dating advice. It is almost impossible for a woman to sexually desire a man who is incapable of holding eye contact with her. Improving your eye contact is another very simple, but extremely powerful tool for you to improve your results. Remember to have a general policy of holding eye contact with women. As a rule, you want to hold eye contact and let her break it. During conversation, hold eye contact for most of the interaction. Look away from time to time because that is natural and normal, but for the most part you want to be holding eye contact with her. The eyes are the windows to the soul, and the more eye contact you make with someone, the more of a connection you will be able to generate. Eye contact conveys dominance and confidence. It also shows a willingness to be vulnerable and open yourself up: you are not hiding anything, you are not trying to avoid the other person’s gaze, you are willing to look them straight in the face and communicate directly. People with low confidence, or who have something to hide, will usually avoid eye contact with people. And this certainly applies to a lot of men when they interact with attractive women. By contrast, attractive and confident men are comfortable looking a beautiful woman in the eyes Strong eye contact goes hand-in-hand with relaxed and confident facial expressions. When you make eye contact with someone, remember to have relaxed facial muscles. You don’t want to look particularly angry, sad or happy. Just a confident, friendly face is good as a default. This also enables you to convey genuine emotion more clearly. If you are constantly making facial expressions and reacting to everything she says like it’s amazing or a big deal, then when she actually 46
does say or do something interesting or exciting, it will be that much harder for you to convey an honest reaction. You’ve “devalued the currency” by gesticulating so much. Instead, keep calm and normal, and let the emotions come out organically during the conversation. Voice tonality Your voice should be deep and low throughout as well, but especially as you get more intimate through kissing, making out, or during foreplay. You will notice that when you get closer to a girl and the physical escalation gets more serious, your voice automatically gets lower. You can replicate this phenomenon in earlier stages of the seduction through conscious practice. It sends a sexual signal to the girl and helps to induce her own sexual energy in response. In fact, just saying the exact same thing with a low/ deep voice instead of a high or light voice can totally change the energy of the conversation and make it far more sexual. Being relaxed is a big theme with all these nonverbal behaviors. Voice tonality is no exception. You will notice that when you are nervous or tense, your tonality is different (less powerful and less confident) than when you are relaxed and feeling good. Try to relax at all times and speak from your chest or diaphragm, instead of from your nose or throat. Breathe and let the air flow to give your voice more power. Don’t ignore volume or loudness. A lot of guys are too quiet when they speak to women. Again, this is directly tied to their nervousness, fear of saying the wrong thing and fear of taking the risk. When you speak loudly and clearly so people can hear you, you are making yourself vulnerable and exposing yourself to rejection, judgment and criticism. And that is precisely the point—a confident, dominant man living life on his own terms is not fazed by that. If you find that women often say “what?” or ask for clarification when you speak, that is an indication you are not speaking loudly enough. Try speaking louder. You can always calibrate and adjust it if you get too loud. But in general the problem most guys have is speaking too quietly, not too loud. These three elements—more confident and smooth body language/ body movements, strong eye contact, and a deeper and stronger voice—together can totally change the way you come across, even without any other effort or changes on your part. This is the power of nonverbal communication. You will also notice that over time, as you gain more experience talking to and seducing women, you will naturally adopt these stronger and more dominant behaviors effortlessly. Fashion, clothing and grooming After your movements and the vibe you give off, the last main element of nonverbal communication is the most superficial—your clothes, style, hair and grooming9. Your personal style should be unique and relevant to you. There should be at least a little edginess, and you should be willing to wear clothes or accessories that make you stand out (this is in-line with being a leader or a guy who is open to others and willing to get attention). 9
Fashion and style were discussed along with “sexy stereotypes” in Chapter 5
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Good grooming means smelling good and being clean. Shower regularly and use deodorant. I’m not a big fan of cologne myself, but feel free to use it when on a date or in day game or night game. Just make sure to experiment and find the right scent for you because different colognes will react differently with your body chemistry (they usually smell good when you first put them on, but after several hours, you might smell very different than what you expected). Look at attractive men and high status men who look similar to you or have a similar face or head, and see what they do with their hair. Your hair can be a simple short cut or a more elaborate, long style, or anything in between. Whatever you choose, it should be consistent with your identity and your general style (a Mohawk might be really cool for a guy in a rock band, but inappropriate for lawyer). And it should look intentional and like you made an effort to look good. The same rules apply to your facial hair. Decide what looks good for you and what feels good. Have a little edge, and be willing to experiment. All of these superficial measures reflect confidence and that you are willing to treat yourself well and present yourself in the best light. You don’t just walk out of the house in any random thing. You actually take care to look your best because you want the best for yourself in all things. Seduction is primarily nonverbal Seduction, and therefore excitement and comfort, are primarily nonverbal, for the vast majority of people. It’s not stringing together the right series of sentences that makes a woman feel stimulated or comfortable with a man. It’s his eyes, the way he laughs at her jokes, the way he holds her hand when she’s telling a story, the way he smiles at her when she makes a sexual innuendo, his facial expressions as he looks at her, and more. This does not mean that explicitly saying something like “I love how artistic you are, that’s really cool” cannot be effective. It can, but it has to be genuine. It has to be both (1) a genuine expression of appreciation and desire, and (2) the way that you really communicate. Introverted men often prefer to communicate through actions and gestures rather than words. To recite a big statement that you prepared in your head (or worse, that you heard from an expert on YouTube) will usually hurt your cause more than help it. Personally, I prefer to communicate appreciation and desire through my body and the way I look at a girl, rather than through official declarations using the English language. Focusing on the nonverbal aspect of seduction, and facilitating comfort and excitement through nonverbal means, is a better use of your energy and more effective than focusing on the verbal aspect. It’s better to focus 70% of your energy on nonverbal game, and 30% on verbal, than the other way around. Nonverbal communication is, in short, all of the unspoken ways that you communicate your status, personality, confidence, mental state, sexuality and masculinity. All of these things, together, give a woman more information about you than anything you say about yourself, or anything you say, period. Pay attention to how you act, how you move, and what your body, your voice and your eyes say about you when interacting with others. 48
This is not to say that verbal game is totally unnecessary. Words can and do make a difference, and you can use them to your advantage. But they are not the primary factor. Look at the verbal conversation as a small slice of the overall conversation. The vast majority of the actual communication between you and a woman is happening on the nonverbal level. Therefore if you are not paying enough attention to the nonverbal component, you are either failing to communicate most effectively, or you are communicating the wrong thing. As a man who is interested in seducing women, you should pay closer attention to your nonverbal actions, than to your actual words. Women respond far more to your emotions and overall mood and energy, than the words that come out of your mouth. This is why two men with the exact same script or routine can have drastically different reactions from women, and extremely different results. One guy may be saying those words in a confident, relaxed, emotionally open way, while the other is saying them in a nervous, awkward and stiff manner. Because the vast majority of human communication is nonverbal, it is the nonverbal component that makes the biggest impact on the woman and how she feels with the man. Nonverbals also help explain why a man can seduce a woman and get her sexually excited while barely saying anything at all in a nightclub environment, and also why a man can seduce a woman even though they don’t speak the same language. Guys who focus so much on the “right thing to say” are seriously holding themselves back. Don’t focus on the right thing to say, focus on the right way to be.
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10. Physical escalation Between verbal and physical escalation, physical escalation is the more important component when it comes to establishing a sexual frame and actually getting anywhere romantically. If you are not physically escalating, then you run the risk of letting the sexual energy stagnate or diminish. There is also no reason, if you are both sexually attracted to each other, to delay or wait to push things forward physically. As the man and the masculine presence, the onus is on you to move things forward physically, whether in the form of handholding, kissing, putting your arm around her, initiating foreplay or initiating sex. Sometimes girls will respond positively to you and they will touch you a little bit here and there (in the form of a playful slap on the arm for example, or interlocking arms with you while walking). This is all a good sign and shows that she is attracted to you. But most of the physical escalation will be your prerogative. Waiting for her to physically escalate with you is a mistake. Instead of letting her take the initiative to “break new ground,” you should take the initiative yourself and let her follow and reciprocate. Physical escalation is inherently risky, and in fact it’s the primary form of risk that we take with women. But taking this risk is essential. If you want to have sex with women, if you want to date women and have a girlfriend or girlfriends, then you have to escalate physically and take the risk. There is no way around it. Not only does it excite her and stimulate her physically, but it shows a willingness to take risks, which is itself arousing for the girl. It’s exciting for her to know that she is with a man who is a risk-taker and willing to go after what he wants, even if she is not ready for that level of escalation yet. Her perspective on physical escalation What turns girls off is not when you try something and she is not ready for it yet. What turns them off is when you either demonstrate fear or hesitation, or when you demonstrate too much aggressiveness or eagerness. Trying to push things too far or steamrolling over her resistance is a surefire way to turn her off and make her too uncomfortable to continue (and probably never return your calls). Women understand that men are the ones who initiate and lead the physical escalation. They understand that sometimes a man will make mistakes, do things that she is not ready for, or step over the line. They do not have a problem with that. What they have a problem with is when he doesn’t pay attention or respect their boundaries when they express discomfort. An analogy would be with a boss. Most people don’t mind having a boss. In fact, they want to have a boss because they want leadership and guidance (and they don’t want to shoulder most of the responsibility for getting things done or when things go wrong). However, just because someone wants a boss does not mean they want him to be overbearing and disrespectful. They want leadership and guidance, but they want it to be intelligent, respectful and sensitive to their feelings. 50
The same concept applies to physical escalation and sexual escalation with women. Women want men to lead and take risks and take initiative, but that does not mean he should have license to go nuts on her and push things beyond her comfort zone. Physical escalation as excitement The further along in the seduction process you go, the more physical you should be getting. This happens gradually and progressively, well-calibrated to her responses along the way. Ultimately physical escalation is your primary tool for generating excitement. And the other side of the coin, physical deescalation, is a powerful way to generate comfort. When you physically advance, it generates excitement: it’s stimulating, it’s arousing, it’s entering new territory, it’s breaking new ground. When you physically retreat or de-escalate, it creates comfort: it releases tension, it lets both of you relax, and it consolidates the sexual connection you have already developed. Always remember the balance between excitement and comfort. Too much excitement/ aggression/ pushing things forward, without enough comfort, and you will come across too eager, too desperate, or just turn her off. She will be pushed away. On the other side, with too much comfort/ non-aggressiveness/ keeping distance, not taking risks, not being bold, and without enough excitement, you come across not sexual enough. She will fail to be turned on and, if things go on too long, she will simply get bored. Each woman is unique and has different boundaries for what they consider “too aggressive” and “too soft.” What is too aggressive to one woman, at one stage of her life, in one situation, may not be remotely aggressive enough to another woman, at another stage of life, in a different context. And the appropriate level of escalation varies, sometimes dramatically, depending on the situation and context. You can usually do more and quicker physical escalation in night game than day game. This is why calibration is so important. Action and reaction As a rule it’s better to push things a little more rather than a little less. It’s better to try something and be rebuffed than to not try it and wonder if she wanted you to do it the whole time. It is only by pushing the envelope that you actually learn what is acceptable and what is not. Eventually, as you get more experience, you will be able to read women’s signals in a very sophisticated way and make your seductions smoother and more streamlined. It will never be perfect, but it becomes a lot easier for you, and a lot less awkward. Remember not to worry about what a woman thinks of you. One of the biggest problems that guys have is that they are afraid of “what she will think.” While this is understandable (nobody wants to be disliked), there is ultimately nothing you can do about other people’s feelings towards you. Not everyone in the world will like you. Not every woman that you are attracted to will be attracted to you. 51
There is nothing you can do about that. You can put your best foot forward, and do your best, but ultimately, it takes two to tango. The only thing you should be focused on is what her physical boundaries are. Calibration is not an emotional issue (“will she still like me if I do this”), it’s a physical one (“will she let me do this”). It’s not about tiptoeing and hoping that you don’t “mess up” or “do the wrong thing.” It’s about (a) going after what you want and (b) adjusting based on her feedback. In the course of this action/ reaction process, the two of you will develop a physical dialogue where you are both aware of each other’s physical likes and dislikes. Calibration becomes second-nature. The more time you spend with a girl and the more you do with her, the more calibrated you become automatically (and her to you as well). Pay attention to her and the signals she is communicating with her words and her body, and adjust accordingly10. Engagement with the girl Rather than thinking of physical escalation as “something you do to the girl,” it’s better to think of it as something that you lead her in. It’s an activity that you are doing with her. She has to buy in to the sexual dynamic if anything is going to happen. Women do not play a passive role in sexual escalation or in sex. Rather, they play a reactive role. This means that they wait for the man to initiate things—from the first conversation to the first sex—and then they respond, react and participate. Your own goals For some guys, it will be better to deemphasize calibration and “tailoring” things to the specific girl, and instead focus on filtering out girls for the sake of finding the right match. For guys who are looking for quick or casual sex, this kind of approach tends to be more effective in night game, where there are lots of girls out partying, and in a mood for fun, adventure and doing something unusual. You can go through many approaches in night game, screening out girls based on how they respond when you touch them. You start at a very low level (a light touch on the shoulder or back as you open for instance), and then progressively escalate from there (arms, hands, waist, and so on) based on her responses. You can push things more quickly and more aggressively than otherwise. If you approach enough women with this method, eventually you will get that girl to take home. But it requires you to be willing to accept a lot of rejections and brush-offs. So a significant amount of outcome independence, persistence and a good sense of humor will be needed. Rather than calibrating your escalation to each girl that you approach, you just escalate however much you want until the girl rejects you. Those who are looking for a more serious relationship will also be filtering out girls, just in a different way. Once again, you will not be concerned with tailoring your escalation to each girl, just escalating at
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More on calibration is discussed in Chapter 11
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your own gradual pace, however long you want to take. If a girl gets antsy or impatient and you don’t want to have sex yet, then you are willing to let her go and move on. The same principle applies whatever specific kind of sexual arrangement you are looking for. For beginners or guys that are new to seduction, it’s unlikely that you have a strong sense of what exactly you want11. It is better for beginners to just focus on developing their general escalation skills, and getting experience talking with women and trying to seduce them, and then eventually they will be able to narrow their focus towards getting a specific result. Escalation goals on dates and meet ups Your main goal for a date should be to have fun and enjoy yourself. Whether you get a specific result or not is not as important as having a good time on your terms. Specific results like make outs or sex will come. But it’s best not to focus on a specific outcome with a specific girl because it cultivates outcome dependence and ties your emotional happiness to someone else’s choices. Whether you make out with her is partly up to her. Whether you have sex is partly up to her. If you want to set specific goals for physical escalation, a better goal is to “lean in for the kiss” or “invite her back to your place, and if she comes, try to have sex with her.” Those are goals that are 100% in your power to achieve. You want your goal to be totally achievable. But setting a goal that is at least partly controllable by someone else is a bad goal. A good goal is one that you are in total control of. Your instincts Strip away the social conditioning that you may have received and trust in your natural, primal instincts as a man. Getting physical with women means cutting through the normal, day-to-day social space where you may be comfortable, and pushing into a more personal, sexual space. Once you are inside her personal space and she is inside yours, you will notice that your natural instincts become stronger. Get in touch with this basic, masculine quality you have locked up inside of you, and allow it to come out. Countless men are afraid to let their masculine desires come out more fully because they are afraid of offending someone or doing the wrong thing. But what this usually comes down to is fear of the unknown, and fear of oneself. Part of it is just being unfamiliar with that side of yourself, and part of it is the fear of change. What kind of person will you become when you get more assertive and take more initiative with women? There is only one way to find out: try it. Use your intelligence and common sense to adjust and calibrate the expression of your sexual desires. But do let them come out. To make it easier, just focus on one step at a time. Start by walking over to girls you are attracted to and having conversations with them. Then move on to basic, light physical escalation and asking girls for their phone number. Then ask girls out. Then practice trying to kiss girls, and so on. 11
See Chapter 4 for more on this topic
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Fear of rejection Being rejected or rebuffed, for a man who is fully embracing his desires and his goals, is a nonissue. The fact that someone is not interested or not on the same page does not affect him emotionally. It simply tells him to move on to the next candidate. He has a keen awareness of his options and the fact that there are many opportunities for him to ultimately get what he wants. However, if we ignore our primal male nature and we instead get wrapped up in social norms, customs and cultural traditions, then it makes total sense to be fixated on whether or not we might be “rejected.” We place other people’s beliefs and values above ours. We think maintaining a safe and “normal” status quo is more important than expressing our desire to meet or seduce a woman. And this affects our behavior when approaching, meeting, dating and getting intimate with women. There will always be a chance that someone will not be happy. All we really need is to get in touch with the inner masculine core, and temper it and adjust it for social norms, so as to be appropriate and socially acceptable. But aside from those few adjustments on the margins to keep within the boundaries of social propriety, we actually have a significant amount of freedom in expressing ourselves and going after what we want. Much more than we tend to realize because we are so affected and conditioned by other people’s expectations. Physical escalation framework This is a simple framework for understanding physical escalation and how to do it as the seduction proceeds from meeting to the bedroom. There are five major “milestones” of physical escalation: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.
Being in her personal space Social touching (outer arms, shoulders, upper back) Romantic touching (waist, stomach, lower back, thighs, knees) Intimate touching/ making out (head, neck, throat, hair, face) Sexual touching/ sex (breasts, ass, pussy)
These milestones give you a guideline for the physical escalation. Recognizing these milestones and being able to see roughly where you are in the process will greatly clarify things for you. It helps you get a handle on how into you she is and how much further you have to go in the seduction. The first and most important step is to get in her personal space. This is a critical stage that most guys never actually do, making all subsequent escalation extremely difficult if not impossible. The reason physical escalation is so hard for so many guys is because they never actually get themselves into a position where they can touch the girl effectively, smoothly and non-awkwardly. If you are standing more than about arm’s length away from her, then it will be almost impossible for you to touch her at all. And when you do try to touch her, it will be strained and awkward. By contrast, if you are standing right near her (either face-to-face or side-by-side), then touching becomes very easy and natural. It’s easy to touch her in a nonchalant, casual or even “accidental” way. As you make hand gestures while speaking, to emphasize something you are about to say, or to get her attention, you can 54
just put your hand out and touch her (lightly on the upper back, or outer arm for example) and it feels very natural. As the seduction proceeds along and you spend more time with each other, you continue being physically close, and you increase the intimacy and the frequency of the touching. You can also increase the duration of each touch (i.e. going from touching her knee briefly to emphasize a point, to placing your hand on her knee and leaving it there). You will calibrate and adjust according to her feedback, as described in Chapter 11, while gradually escalating and moving things forward. Logistical escalation, discussed in Chapter 14, will be a powerful and important complement to your physical escalation. Generally, if a woman lets you touch her neck or hair, she is open to being kissed. It signals that she is comfortable letting you into that area of her body. And the same principles apply to the last area— sexual touching. Begin with light touching and brief touching, and progress to heavier touching and longer touching in line with her feedback and response. Always remember to be gentle when touching her, especially in those more sensitive and private areas. You should touch her with strength and confidence, but gently. You can progressively get more intense over time depending on what she likes. Instead of thinking of sex as a monumental task, break it down into its smaller components and just focus on the step in front of you—approaching, personal space, social touching, and so on. You have to gain proficiency in each stage before consistently advancing to the following stage.
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11. Calibration, anticipation and engagement If you are fully in your sexual element and owning your sexuality, then escalation becomes very straightforward. Rather than focusing on specific tactics and techniques, you simply have to put yourself fully into the moment. Sex and sexual connection is mostly a natural phenomenon between male and female energies. It requires very little, if any, directed effort. Evolution has designed us so that the masculine and the feminine are compatible and complementary, both physically and mentally. So rather than interfere with that natural process by trying to impose your conscious (often culturallydefined) expectations, fears and assumptions, you should open yourself up to the moment and let things transpire organically. What is this “moment” exactly? It is the physical and mental situation that you and the woman are in together. What is interesting is that “being in the moment” (also known as “being present” or “being in the zone”) is how you automatically are during sex. Take that concept and apply it to the initial approach, the conversation, the date, and everything else you experience with her up to and including the sex itself. When you are having a conversation with a woman, or interacting with her in any way on any level, you are essentially “having sex” with her in a psychological or emotional way, long before the physical act. Sex is primarily emotional for women. As such, a woman has sex with a man emotionally, having become emotionally naked, long before she decides to get physically naked with him. Understanding this will help you master escalation and calibration. You are already in a sexual situation with a woman regardless of the amount of clothing the two of you are wearing, regardless of your location, regardless of the specific circumstances on the approach or on the date. Escalation in its purest form is not creating sexual connection out of thin air, but rather expanding on and deepening the sexual energy that was in place from the moment you laid eyes on her. Escalation not only brings out the girl’s desire for you, but also your own desire for her. It is one thing to look at a girl in the street and desire her in a general sense based on how she looks, but it is quite another to actually be alone with her with your body totally relaxed, ready to actually penetrate her at that moment. This aspect of escalation is usually completely ignored by dating and pickup commentary. It is assumed that the man is always ready for sex, but this is not necessarily true. Even men have boundaries and things that make them comfortable or uncomfortable, and even men need to be warmed up. Therefore a successful seduction occurs when you escalate on yourself as much as on her. Seduction is a journey that you are leading her on, but one that you are still experiencing yourself along the way. Calibration Calibration simply means adjusting your escalation in response to her and the surrounding situation. If she communicates excitement and arousal (through her body or her words or both), then you calibrate 56
by escalating things more aggressively and intensely. If she communicates discomfort or hesitation, then you calibrate by dialing down the intensity and going slower. And calibration also depends on the situation you are in with her. If you are alone with her in your bedroom, the amount of escalation— especially physical escalation—that you can do is different than if you are in a busy restaurant. Just like escalation generally, calibration is best understood as something that you allow to happen, rather than something you make happen. The fuel that pushes this process forward is your own testosterone and natural desires as a man12. And the process is guided by your intelligence and knowledge as a mature, responsible adult. But for the most part it is a process that unfolds and takes care of itself, as if your body is on autopilot. Anticipation Remembering that sex is primarily emotional and psychological for women helps us understand the power of anticipation. Salespeople and advertisers use anticipation to get potential customers hungrier and hungrier for their product. They understand that emotions have power, and people often purchase not based on logical analysis, but on how they feel in that moment. When it comes to women and sex, emotions are not just a major feature, but a central one. So anticipation is one of the most powerful tools at your disposal for amping the feelings and therefore sexual desire. Anticipation creates all kinds of feelings, from desire to excitement to nervousness to wonder to curiosity. You create anticipation by doing lots of stuff and sharing lots of experiences and activities, and generally building up to whatever is next (a kiss, taking her back to your place, sex). Anticipation in conversation occurs when you pause or speak slowly and gradually. Even saying something as simple as “guess what...” or “you know something funny...” creates a little anticipation. Women generally don’t like it when a guy moves too fast or too directly. They like some anticipation, expectation and mystery before the final “reveal.” At least that is when they enjoy it the most. Anticipation comes from the balance between hesitation and assertiveness. Too much assertiveness, moving too fast, and she gets overwhelmed. Too much hesitation, moving too slow, and she gets bored. It’s a balancing act between being too aggressive and to-the-point, and being too wishy-washy and indecisive. As with other things, the difference mostly comes from your mindset and overall attitude. A guy with a strong frame and powerful mindset can delay the kiss... and delay... and delay... and it will just build a crazy amount of anticipation and sexual tension. Whereas another guy who is delaying in a similar fashion, but who is doing so because he is nervous and unsure of himself, actually does not create anticipation, but rather awkwardness and discomfort and actually kills any romantic feeling.
12
This is why it’s so important to be in touch with, and accepting of, your sexual desires, as described in Chapter 15
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The effective guy who delays is “effective” because he is acting with genuineness and integrity and congruence. The other guy is ineffective because he is delaying for the wrong reasons. He is not delaying because he really wants to, but because he doesn’t know what to do, or he is unsure of himself, or is afraid of rejection. Your escalation and calibration skills will reach their peak when you fully internalize your masculinity, outcome independence, leadership and presence in the moment. But it will take time and experience for that internalization to occur. In the meantime, you can begin making progress by practicing the specific tactics and techniques that have been outlined here. Female pleasure Sex is enjoyable for men much more often than it is for women. The problem for women is that men are the initiators of sex and seduction, but the female body is more complex than the male. So men have an advantage when it comes to sexual pleasure. As a man who wants to be more sexually powerful, and able to lead women on a sexual adventure consistently, you should learn about the female sexual response and experiment with different techniques to give your woman or women pleasure. This goes beyond the scope of this book, but keep in mind these general principles. You should be paying attention to her all the way through the seduction, from the beginning to the end, including and especially in bed. Welcome her feedback and encourage her (through your attitude, nonverbal communication, and even your words) to share her preferences, likes and dislikes. The fact that you are able to have an adult conversation about sex and pleasure alone will speak volumes as to the kind of man you are. Be open-minded. Be playful. Celebrate her sexuality to let it come out fully. Realize that, although it may be counterintuitive, what feels good to you may not necessarily feel good to her. Sex, like seduction as a whole, is a give-and-take process. You are two different bodies with different histories, physiologies and preferences. Don’t assume that if she does not like something, it is a referendum on your manhood. In all likelihood, it has nothing to do with you. In fact, other men before you have probably had as hard a time if not harder (no pun intended) pleasuring her, because the vast majority of men are not very skilled in bed. However, by opening yourself up, listening to her, and being willing to work with her for mutual benefit, you will be the man who captures her imagination. Take a genuine curiosity in her pleasure, what turns her on and the unique sexual chemistry the two of you will create.
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~IV~ Words What to say
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12. Principles of conversation Words are the least important part of seduction. While you need to talk to girls, the specific choice of words itself makes very little difference in her overall attraction to you, compared to your nonverbal communication. You can have a great verbal game, but if you never lay a finger on the girl, you will never get intimate with her. And on the flipside, if you have really bad verbal game but your nonverbal game is strong, you will be able to make out and sleep with girls. A friend of mine in New York speaks poor English (he’s an immigrant from Russia), but he is very aggressive with physical escalation, especially in night game. As a result, he gets laid more frequently and more consistently than other guys who are native speakers of English, yapping at girls in the bars and clubs, and never entering their personal space. For an introvert, verbal escalation is often a challenge. Introverts tend not to be very chatty in the first place. Small talk and chitchat is not very enjoyable to us. In addition, navigating conversations and leading conversations in a specific direction can be hard if you don’t have experience. The way to properly escalate verbally is not by doing a lot of talking anyway. You want to say the right things, not a lot of different stuff. Focus on quality over quantity. Quality over quantity If you don’t like doing a lot of talking, concentrate your energy on saying things that are powerful, that get you far in the conversation and accomplish a lot all in one shot. By controlling the amount of words you say, you prevent yourself from “devaluing the currency” of your words. Your words carry more weight and you come across more powerful and in control. You want your words to pack a big punch. Concentrate a lot of passion, emotion and meaning into those words that you do say, and you will get much further than with lots of vapid talking. What to talk about There are four basic, general types of conversation, roughly lining up with light comfort, heavy comfort, light excitement and heavy excitement: • • • •
Basic social comfort—getting to know each other on a basic level (light comfort) Deeper comfort/ rapport—getting to know each other on a deeper level (heavy comfort) Flirting, teasing, joking and general fun (light excitement) Sexual innuendo (heavy excitement)
At the initial stages of a conversation when you first meet a girl, you will generally be focusing on light comfort and light excitement. This means you will mostly be doing basic social comfort and some basic flirting, teasing or joking around. The specific balance of comfort and excitement here is up to you. It depends on the girl’s personality, your personality and personal style, the way you approach her (if you approach direct or indirect for instance), and the context. 60
With some basic flirting and teasing, she will get the picture very quickly that you are interested in her. Too much will kill the vibe and the connection. Don’t squander the conversation on joke after joke. Guys who do this tend to be covering or hiding their true personalities. Instead, seek to share yourself and make yourself vulnerable so you are in a position to connect with her and lead her sexually. Everything in moderation. Interesting conversation Remember if you are an introvert, your big strength is in the comfort area, so leverage that to your advantage right from the start. Don’t exhaust yourself running in circles trying to flirt or joke like crazy with her. Even guys who are great at flirting and joking can become tiresome and tedious after a while if they do it too much. Again, focus your energy on high-impact, high-quality statements and questions, rather than a lot of watered-down chitchat. Now, there is always a place for chitchat. The key is to not let the conversation devolve into a boring, bland interaction that you have had a million times before. Do not be afraid of chitchat—a little bit is perfectly normal and helps to soften things up and create a vibe of familiarity and normalcy. But for the most part, focus on interesting, engaging conversation with her. This is even more important on dates and meet ups with girls. Interesting conversation requires vulnerability and openness. It also requires the right kinds of topics. Ultimately, you will get so advanced that you will be able to talk about pretty much anything and it will feel powerful and unique. But in the meantime, focus on topics that you know will be interesting and engaging13, and that will help to bring both your and her personalities out. Thirty minutes of good conversation is worth more than five hours of boring, bland chitchat. And it is far more memorable. Listening Get in the habit of writing down several facts that you have learned about someone after talking with them. Every time you meet someone new and have a conversation with them, pay close attention. Later on, write down five to ten quick facts that you learned about them. This will help get you in the habit of listening and noticing specific facts about people. You can start by focusing on basic facts like what the person does for a living, where they are from, what they were doing when you met them, how they like this city, or any other information that comes up during the conversation. And then over time you will be able to notice subtler details and more unique things about the person: they seemed bored or tired when you spoke to them; their computer died last week; their recently-discovered love for Thai food; a new diet they are starting, and so on. This technique can be used for women you are attracted to, or just people in general. Another technique for improving your listening skills is to pay close attention to what she says and repeat it back using different words, and then expand on it. For example: 13
For more on specific interesting topics, see Chapter 13
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Woman: I recently came back from a trip to South America Man: You were traveling in South America. What countries did you visit? W: I’ve never been to this bar before. M: So this is your first time here. What do you think so far? W: I recently changed jobs. M: So you have a new job, is it more fun? Alternatively, you can react to her statement or question with an assumption embedded: W: Do you know any good bars around here? M: You must be looking to party. [She responds yes/ no, and then you answer the question] W: I like shopping. M: Oh no, you’re a shopaholic? [teasing] W: I like your jacket. M: Thanks. You must be a fashion expert. [teasing] W: I need to buy a new car. M: So you don’t like your car? W: The music in here sucks. M: Not a fan of rock music? These are just a few examples out of literally countless potential scenarios. Listening to her is the key to keeping the conversation going, and keeping it going in an interesting and engaging way. If you just listen to her, and focus on the moment that the two of you are in right now, you will never run out of things to say. So on the one hand, you have what she is saying. On the other, you have what is going through your mind as she is talking. If she says she got into a fight with her roommate today, for example, then you might wonder “what was the fight about,” and voila, you have a basis to continue the conversation and keep it going. Or you might remember a time when you had a fight with a roommate, and that also gives you something to say. You can determine which conversational topics to use depending on how the conversation is flowing. Listen to what she is saying and connect with it. Verbal game on a date or meet up On a date or meet up with a girl, you should be doing very little in the form of basic social comfort conversation. Based on my own experience, I would say that the biggest percentage of the verbal content should be deep comfort and rapport. Flirting, teasing, sexual innuendo and basic social conversation should occupy a smaller percentage.
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This is a general rule of thumb, and will vary for each guy of course. It will also vary depending on what you want. This is a good general rule if you want to sleep with the girl within the first few dates, and therefore want to generate lots of comfort and connection. If you are in a night game situation and you are screening out girls for a same night lay, then you can shift the weight of the verbal interaction more towards flirting and sexual innuendo (more towards the excitement side of the spectrum) and away from the comfort side of the spectrum. But regardless, for consistency, there should be a good dose of both. In most cases, comfort is the more important factor for a successful seduction. I place sexual innuendo at a small percentage of the conversation because innuendo is all about heavier excitement and pushing her buttons. And it is far more important for you to escalate physically than to escalate verbally in this respect. Once again, nonverbal communication is way more important and more powerful than verbal. Given the choice between talking about sex and sexual topics, and actually doing things physically that increase intimacy (putting your arm around her, holding her hand, kissing her cheek, and so on), it is better to just do them. The physical escalation should be increasing as the date goes forward, so even though verbally you are mostly dealing with comfort and rapport, physically you are getting more sexual. PUA routines The problem with many of the classic pickup routines is that there is so little interaction between the girl and guy. Instead of developing a solid bond with the girl as you lead her in a conversation, these routines often boil down to you “performing” for her by talking, and talking, and talking. She is there watching, listening (we hope anyway) and playing a passive role. You don’t want her to be passive, you want her to be active. Good conversation is a give-and-take process, not a one-sided process. It’s fine to use some routines to get things warmed up. If you aren’t sure what to do next, then feel free to use a routine (preferably one that you came up with). But ultimately, the seduction happens from the spontaneous and organic sexual connection between you and the girl. Bailing or ejecting A critical error that many guys make on the approach, particularly beginners, is leaving the conversation too early. They can’t think of anything else to say, the girl isn’t really contributing, and he feels uncomfortable staying in. So he bails. Sometimes the girl is just not interested and you can exit gracefully (just tell her to have a nice day and leave). However, many times the girl is open to you continuing. She is just waiting for you to keep talking. She is waiting for you to give her a little more to work with. She might very well be nervous (it could be rare for a stranger to approach her, especially a guy who is at least somewhat interesting14) and she doesn’t really know what to do. It is your prerogative as the man and as the person who approached to lead things and push through that initial awkwardness or
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See Chapter 3 for more on this
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uncertainty. Once you get over that initial hump (maybe the first 20 to 60 seconds in most approaches), then things start to gather momentum. Before you know it, you’re in a solid conversation. Conversational momentum Once the conversation is underway, you have “conversational momentum.” Momentum enables you to guide the conversation more smoothly than if you are lurching from one awkward sentence to another. For example, suppose the guy and girl are talking about something safe and normal, and then he decides he wants to spice things up and flirt with her. If the conversation is flowing nicely and there is good momentum, it might go something like this: Man: Yeah I saw that concert the other day, it was pretty cool. I love their music. Woman: My friend brought me, she always knows all the cool stuff to do in town. M: Yeah I have a few friends like that who seem to know every awesome event in the city, and I’m always like “how do you hear about this stuff?” W: Haha, I know. [now he quickly follows up the laugh/ good energy with transitioning to flirting] M: Of course, you’re a cute girl, so everyone probably wants you to come to their parties all the time W: Haha, maybe... M: Yeah I think so. W: I guess I do have some good connections. M: I’m sure you do because I have the same situation. It’s hard to decide which party to go to. It’s not easy being beautiful! W: Haha, it’s tough, but what are you going to do? Now compare that flowing conversation with this one: M: Yeah I saw that concert the other day, it was pretty cool. W: My friend brought me, she always knows all the cool stuff to do in town. M: Yeah that’s cool. W: Yeah. M: So... how often do you do that kind of thing? W: Fairly often I guess. M: Nice. W: Yeah. [silence, now he wants to transition to flirting] M: You’re pretty cute, so I guess you do a lot of cool stuff. W: Thanks. Um, yeah, I guess... M: Heh. Note that the second conversation has very little momentum. The guy is letting the energy fall from one statement to the next. He could keep it pumping by saying more, making more observations, or sharing more, but instead he lets it deflate. As a result, it’s hard for him to guide things in a more flirtatious 64
direction when he wants to. He has to either wait until the conversation magically gets to a better place, or he has to just bring it up out of the blue. In this case he brought it up out of the blue. As a result, the flirting has an awkward feeling to it. As you get more experience having conversations with women, you will be able to develop that momentum more easily and frequently. Remember that conversation basically comes down to observation and sharing. To improve your conversations and make them more engaging, you need to be either improving observation (observing more stuff or making better observations), or improving sharing (sharing more, or sharing better/ more interesting information), or both. Experiment in your conversations. See what kinds of observations, statements and questions tend to elicit good responses and lead to engaging conversations. In the long run, the only way to really improve is through practice and experience.
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13. Verbal escalation Just like communication in general, escalation needs to be primarily physical, and not verbal. And just like communication, finding the right balance between verbal and physical escalation requires an awareness of the micro and macro context you are in. In some cultures, simply approaching a woman will be a really big deal and escalation beyond that will not really be necessary. In other places, copious amounts of flirting, teasing and sexual innuendo will be essential. What follows are some general principles for sexual escalation through words, and emotional escalation through words (in the excitement and comfort domain, respectively). Sexual escalation through words Verbal escalation should generally mirror the physical escalation that is occurring. There are few cases where verbal escalation should be your primary option, over physical. One case is where you and the girl are in public or in a social situation where significant physical escalation is not appropriate. In that case, you can whisper in her ear or talk to her so that no one else can hear what you are saying. This kind of thing can really get a girl excited. On the one hand, she is hearing sexual innuendo or sexual references, making her think about that and fantasize about it. But on the other hand, there is no chance of any real physical escalation because you’re with other people, so she is “safe” in a way. One effective approach I have found is to frame verbal escalation in terms of movie ratings. In the US, movies are given a rating according to their violent and sexual content on a scale from “G” to “R.” And then “X-rated” refers to pornographic media. The higher the rating, the older the viewer is supposed to be to watch it. We can use the same scale to think about sexual escalation. The problem that most men have is that they either get stuck in G-rated, friendly, nonsexual, non-risky conversation topics (excessive comfort), or they get too sexual and too aggressive too soon (too much on the excitement side). Instead, you want to escalate things gradually and progressively without this black-and-white, either/or situation. Here are the movie ratings and examples of conversation themes for each: G: Safe, normal, basic social topics • • • •
Where you/ she is from, where did you/ she grow up, What you/ she does for fun; bars, parties, funny stories What you/ she does for a living, your background, school, future plans Random non-romantic topics about anything: food and restaurants, parties, concerts, social activities, fashion and clothes, philosophy, books, movies, TV shows, sports
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PG: General dating/ relationship topics • • • • • • • • • •
Activities that people do on dates Stories about a friend who went on a date Blind dates Online dating Where to meet people of the opposite sex Marriage and engagement (stories, opinions, beliefs about those things, etc) Your first girlfriend in high school, her first boyfriend Your first kiss, her first kiss Physical preferences (facial hair on men, baldness in men, body types, makeup, hairstyles, race/ skin color) Clothing/ fashion relating to dating and attraction (what looks good on men, what looks good on women; suits, high heels, short skirts, jewelry, painted nails, tattoos)
PG-13: Heavier dating/ relationship topics • • • • • • • • •
The kinds of people that are good matches for each other Gender differences, gender stereotypes and sexual politics What men want in women, what women want in men Kissing and making out (stories, what you have heard, etc) Cheating and adultery Relationship issues, compatibility Age limits in dating (how old is too old or too young) Hooking up, casual relationships, monogamy, polyamory, open relationships, homosexuality (talking about these things can be enlightening as to your compatibility with her) Religion in dating and relationships
R: Light sex/ sexual topics • • • • • • • • • •
Your/ her first time having sex (emphasis on the story and context, not the actual act of sex itself) Fantasies and fetishes Favorite positions Awkward or funny sex stories (about your roommate in college, a friend of yours, etc) Turn ons and turn offs Sex toys and bedroom outfits Porn, strippers, prostitution Bisexuality Craziest places to have sex (airplanes, the beach, bathrooms) Threesomes
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X: Heavy sex/ sexual topics, explicit topics • • • • • •
Masturbation practices, preferences, routines Penis size, breast size Orgasms (how often, how easy) Oral sex and anal sex Women who do or do not swallow Is her public hair shaved/ how often does she shave (you can bring up this topic referring to women in general, and see if she then relates it to herself)
These are all examples of general themes or subjects. You can bring them up in many different kinds of ways, in reference to different kinds of events, ideas or issues. For instance, if you are scientifically inclined, then you can refer to a scientific study on the female body. If you like telling stories, then you can tell a story about your friend and his taste in women’s bodies. The basic theme is the same, but it is being presented in a different way. Another way of thinking about progressive escalation is to ask yourself, for a given topic or theme, how old would a child have to be for this conversation to be appropriate in front of them? For basic topics like the weather or your favorite foods, those would be appropriate in front of a child of any age. For spicier topics like hooking up, casual sex or sexual politics, the minimum age would probably be 15 or 16 years old. And for the most hardcore, explicit topics, the age would be 17 or 18 for instance. Unless you are confident it will be well-received, when you share stories or anecdotes about these things, they should be in reference to other people (a friend of yours, a roommate, a celebrity, and so on). The only exception to this rule is with stories about your first kiss or your first relationship, because those things are usually quite removed from the present moment, and they are often “cute” stories about when you were younger and inexperienced. Aside from G-rated topics, when in doubt, talk about these things in the abstract, and not personalized to either you or her. This is especially true the further up you go on the rating scale. For example, when talking about relationship issues, don’t say something like “My ex-girlfriend and I weren’t very compatible because we wanted different things.” Instead, say something like “A lot of people are in relationships where each person wants different things, and that’s not good...” If the seduction is proceeding well and the two of you are getting more familiar and more intimate, then you can often talk about more sexual things related directly to you or her. But keep it to things like sexual preferences or fantasies. Do not get into your or her past sexual/ relationship histories. And don’t talk about past boyfriends or girlfriends. It also helps if you are genuinely interested in the sexual topics so that you can bring them up during conversation in an engaging way. You can talk about a recent scientific study on female orgasms. Or you can bring up an article you read about a famous celebrity’s girlfriends. When talking about these things, you should be open-minded and nonjudgmental. If she senses that you are critical or have a negative 68
attitude toward sex, then she will emotionally close up and won’t want to share her experiences or preferences. Quite simply, if you want to have sex, don’t be down on sex or sexuality. Emotional escalation: sharing yourself Whatever your major core qualities are, you want to show them to the girl. If you are smart, don’t be afraid to show your intelligence to women. The same is true if you are really into sports, technology, business, cooking, or anything else. This is not in the effort of showing off or bragging or trying to make yourself seem higher value. You should already believe that you are high value. You don’t have anything to “prove” in that respect. Rather, this is to communicate to her who exactly you are, what kind of a man you are, and connect with her on a genuine level. If intelligence is a major part of your personality, then showing your intelligence would be showing part of your personality. Maybe you’re into politics, and she’s not. If she says something that reminds you of a recent political story you read, you can bring that up. For instance, she says she doesn’t like the new art museum that recently opened up. That reminds you of an article you read the other day about the controversy the museum caused because of zoning issues. You can talk about that story, giving details according to her level of interest. If her eyes glaze over as you talk, then just move on. But often you will find that girls actually enjoy listening to you, not because of the topic, but because of the passion and interest that you are expressing as you speak. Personally, I’ve been pleasantly surprised many times at how seemingly arcane subject-matter suddenly becomes fascinating to girls when it comes from a genuine attempt to communicate. (As a general rule, unless you met the girl at a political rally, it’s not a good idea to discuss political opinions when you approach her or on a first meet up. But showing your knowledge about political issues or current events in general, without getting into opinions or value judgments, is fine.) Focusing, verbally, on the stuff you want to talk about and not wasting time on the stuff you don’t, is one of the most powerful ways to communicate your identity and passion, and to build comfort with her nonverbally. You can put yourself on autopilot as you speak about this topic that you find so interesting, and you will automatically project out your passion and personality. What is important is not the specific topic. What is important is that you are talking about something that interests you and gets you excited. That excitement is contagious. Women are especially sensitive to the emotions and feelings of other people. And this is doubly true for a man she is looking at as a potential romantic partner. When a woman is in “romantic” mode or something close to it, she is automatically paying extra attention to the man’s emotional state and how and what he is communicating. That part of her brain becomes more active and alert than usual. Just as it’s sexy to men when a woman shows her body off, it’s sexy to women when a man shows his emotions and feelings. Men want women to be physically vulnerable, women want men to be emotionally vulnerable.
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It is the expression of emotion that makes emotional connection possible. It is impossible to connect with someone emotionally without exposing your emotions. This is where countless men slip up. Introverts in particular usually make one of two errors in this area. Either (1) they have a robotic, emotionless aura when engaging with others, so they don’t actually seem to be feeling anything, or (2) they are too emotionally expressive, basically acting extraverted, but it’s all fake. Both errors come from the same root cause: not exposing one’s real feelings or real inner world. Whether he is unwilling or unable to do it, the effect is the same: no emotional connection, making seduction extremely hard if not impossible. The robotic man In the case of the first error, of being robotic or cold in one’s conversations, the man is closing himself off and on the surface seems to be not feeling anything. In general men are less emotionally expressive and less emotionally sensitive than women. So not being too expressive is masculine on some level. But introverted men who make this error take it too far. Rather than allowing some feelings to come out, but not everything (which helps to generate some mystery and intrigue), he simply does not allow anything to come out. He speaks in a deadpan tone, with no vocal inflection. He has a permanent poker face on and does not seem, on the surface, to be affected by anything or anyone around him, at all. Interacting with him is like interacting with a statue. He will either be seen as extremely boring, or creepy and weird. The gesticulator The guy who commits the second error is, on the surface, the polar opposite of the robotic guy. He seems extremely expressive and emotional. He seems to be affected by pretty much everything around him. Everything that is said elicits some kind of noticeable reaction: a smile, a giggle, a “huh, interesting”, a “wow, very cool!”, a vigorous nod, an exaggerated facial expression, or something else. Although seemingly the exact opposite of the robotic guy, this heavily expressive man actually has the same impact on women as far as seduction is concerned: they can’t see the real man, they don’t know who he really is or what he really feels. While the robot covers up his genuine feelings with a blanket of stoic non-reactiveness, the gesticulator covers them up with a shroud of false emotions and artificial energy. The robot is apparently not affected by anything, the gesticulator is apparently affected by everything. Neither one is communicating genuinely. Deep rapport and comfort The only difference between light comfort and heavier comfort is that heavier comfort relates to more personal and/or emotional topics. Deep rapport and connection goes beyond the surface level. Here are some examples of how the same overall subject-matter can be applied in light comfort and heavy comfort respectively: 70
Subject
Work/ jobs
Light comfort • • • • • •
What do you do How long have you done it Future plans How you got into that field Your working schedule Do you like your job
Heavy comfort • • • •
• • Family
• • •
Friendships
• • •
How many brothers/ sisters do you have Are you the oldest/ youngest in your family A funny story involving your family members What do your parents do for a living How do you and your friend know each other Do you know a lot of people Have you met a lot of people in this town Is it easy/ hard to meet people here
• • • • • • • •
Are you passionate about your work and why/ why not What you would do if you could do anything and money was not an issue How your family or upbringing affected your career path What is it about your work that excites you or that you enjoy or that you don’t enjoy and find limiting, and what does that say about you How is your relationship with your family An emotional story involving family members How your parents have supported you/ helped you/ held you back/ limited you Do you want children someday, how many, where would you live, etc A personal story involving friends A story about how you met your best friend How important friendships are in your life The kinds of people you hang out with and what that says about you
Remember there is value in both light and heavy topics. Talking only about light topics all the time will fail to generate enough comfort or connection. But talking only about heavy stuff all the time will make the conversation too intense. Just like with excitement, you have to find the right balance between light and heavy, and remember that generally things get heavier as you get further in the seduction (you are more likely to discuss heavy topics on a second or third date than three minutes into the approach in a bar). In the case of same night lays, things can advance very rapidly. You might find yourself getting into a very personal and open conversation with a girl within just a few hours of meeting her, setting the stage for sex to happen that night. In all cases, the key is to communicate in the right way. This form of emotional and experiential communication is an area where introverts can potentially excel. Introverts are by nature people with rich inner worlds. So it becomes a matter of expressing that inner world to the object of your affection so that she can get a better sense of who you are and what you are all about.
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Allowing her to participate in the seduction Listening and observation from a man is important to women because it helps them to feel more fully engaged and connected with him. It facilitates comfort and familiarity. She can experience his masculine energy more fully (which is exciting and arousing to her) and it lets her feminine energy come out. A guy who is just plain absent emotionally or physically won’t have this effect. You are engaging when you are engaged. You are interesting when you are interested. And a guy who is overwhelming her with too much eagerness and attention is not allowing her to “play her part” in the seduction. He is not giving her time to react and not allowing that feminine energy to come out. Too much action and stimulation clogs up the dynamic and makes the reaction difficult or impossible. Seduction is a give-and-take process. The woman has a role to play as much as the man does. It takes two to tango. Honest, genuine communication I often thought that I had to play the “talking game” of just saying lots of stuff to girls in order to deepen the romantic connection. To the contrary, all those words often just got in the way. They also put me in a perennial uphill battle. Because “normal” conversation is not something I find particularly enjoyable or stimulating, I had to more or less force myself to do it. I was playing someone else’s game, playing by someone else’s rules. Instead of using my strengths to my advantage, I was emphasizing the weakest part of my personality. Chitchat is appropriate and often necessary in the earliest stages, on the approach. But by the time you get into a more romantic situation or on a date, the chitchat should be over and you should be developing a more solid connection. There is no way that is going to happen if you are pretending to act a certain way or “trying” to talk in a way that is not enjoyable for you. This is where so many pickup artists or would-be pickup artists go wrong. They are great at what is called “flash game”: approaching and starting entertaining, stimulating but shallow conversations with girls, which are just good enough to get a flaky phone number. But if they manage to get those girls out (which is rare, because their game is so excitement-based, with very little comfort), the girls quickly realize that this is not the guy she thought he was. If he was acting extraverted and high-energy for the five minutes they met, but in reality he’s introverted and low-key, suddenly it’s like he’s a different person. She was sold a bill of goods. Now, not only does she feel misled or confused, the work of actually “getting to know each other” has to start all over again from scratch. From the approach to the date or meet up, you have to be real. This is where the clichéd old advice “just be yourself” comes from. It’s because guys are often not being genuine and upfront about who they are, what they are really like and what they really want. Sometimes admitting that you are nervous can actually increase your attractiveness. It’s being honest, and it shows that you are willing to put yourself out there and take a risk. That shows an inner strength that most men are not willing or able to demonstrate. 72
Put your best foot forward, be your best self, and be honest and straightforward with girls. Masculinity and emotions What kinds of emotions should you be expressing to women? The first thing to remember is that any kind of emotion or feeling is better than none. Even expressing sadness or depression is better than being an emotionless robot. Not many women will like it, but more will like it than if you have no emotions. The second thing to remember is that if you are truly being open, you will automatically express a variety of emotions. People who communicate a very narrow set of emotions are usually only being somewhat open with what they are feeling. Instead of really letting it all out, they are allowing some things to come out, and limiting others. This makes their relationships quite limited and also quite predictable. They tend to attract the same kinds of people and get into the same relationship rut over and over, intentionally or unintentionally. One of the key qualities of a dominant man who has leadership potential is that he is not worried about how others will perceive him or judge him. He simply acts and speaks in accordance with his goals and desires. He does not censor himself for fear of offending others. He speaks honestly and truthfully because he respects himself and his own desires, and he respects others. The first step is to respect yourself and believe that you are entitled to pursue what you want. And the second step is to respect others. It is only with people that we think are not intelligent enough, not mature enough or otherwise not “capable” of handling things that we lie, obfuscate or beat around the bush. When self-respect and respect for others are both present, then honest communication is possible, and it is very powerful. Finally, we communicate the feelings we have inside. If you are a person filled with anger, then anger is primarily what you will communicate to others. You can be totally open and honest, which is good, but the result is that you will project a lot of negative energy. In this case, the problem lies deeper: you have to address why you are so filled with just one feeling so often, whether it’s anger, sadness, fear, or something else. More discussion on mindset and attitude is contained in Part VI, focusing on sexual confidence and developing your masculinity. But if you find that you are feeling too much of one emotion too frequently, then it is your responsibility to determine the root causes and to figure out what is going on in your life. That goes beyond the scope of this book. Professional therapy might be helpful.
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Consequences of honesty Being honest is quite liberating, as it frees you from a lot of the game-playing and wasted effort that plagues countless men’s love lives. But it also has an interesting consequence: many girls will not be able to handle it. Many women (if not most) are so used to guys who play games, other girls who play games, and dating advice that ultimately comes down to “play lots of games” that when they meet a real man who is just expressing himself honestly and living in the moment, without the need to fake anything or pretend to be a certain way, it’s jarring. They don’t know how to respond. It’s intriguing and enticing, but they don’t know what to do in response to such a man. If a man can look her dead in the eye and tell her how he feels without a hint of neediness or any need to “prove himself” or prove his masculinity... how is she supposed to respond to that? For many women, particularly the less experienced ones, it can be overwhelming. They will have a kind of “romantic short-circuit” and actually find themselves unable to engage. Despite the fact that this is what she has really wanted her whole life, she will often turn away. It’s the same thing as a guy who is used to girls rejecting him right and left, finally stumbles upon a girl who is into him. How does he react? Chances are he won’t be able to handle it because this turn of events is so far outside his reality and what he has come to expect from women. Women can have the same kind of experience when a man seems “too good to be true.”
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~V~ Situation Where to go
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14. Logistical escalation and logistical management Logistics are one of the most overlooked aspects of seduction. But they make a huge difference in your results. Even a guy with terrible game, if he has great logistics, will successfully seduce and sleep with women much more consistently and easily than a guy with amazing game and skill (in conversation, physical escalation, flirting, fashion and style, and so on) but impossible logistics. Increasing privacy and physical escalation The first major function of logistical escalation is to bring the girl to a place where sex is possible. No matter how attracted or turned on she is, if the location does not allow sex to happen, it won’t happen. You might be able to make out, feel her up, or even finger her or get her to give you a hand job. But fundamentally, for sex to happen, there must be a place for you to go. It could be a car, van, hotel room, secluded beach or your apartment. But it has to happen somewhere. This is something you need to think about. The second major function is to increase physical escalation. You should be advancing physically while you advance emotionally, and while you simultaneously move her to progressively more private locations. If you are getting to more and more private and secluded places while keeping the level of physical escalation constant, then you are actually losing momentum. You are creating a situation where it will take longer than necessary to get to a given level of physical contact. (If you don’t care how long it takes to have sex or anything else, then this isn’t an issue, as long as you are able to maintain a sexual/ romantic frame throughout, which nevertheless can be difficult if you are not advancing physically.) Use the logistical escalation as a springboard to increasing amounts of physical contact. You will notice that women often attach memories of physical escalation to the location and circumstances where the escalation first happened: “We went to dinner, and then walked through the city and did some window shopping. We had our first kiss in front of the clothing store”; or “The night we had sex for the first time, we were at his place, he had jazz music playing in the background and candles lit, it was snowing outside...” You get the idea. Emotional escalation The last main purpose of logistical escalation is to facilitate and deepen emotional connection. The more places you go with a girl, and the more activities you do with her, within a given period of time, the more connected the two of you will feel to each other. It’s better to spend 2 hours with a girl going to three or four different places than to spend 2 hours stuck in the same place. You will notice a significant difference in the chemistry and energy between the two of you when you start going to multiple places on a date.
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This is a universal human phenomenon seen in other cases. For example, people who go through an extreme life-changing experience together, such as a war or a major disaster like a plane crash, fire or shipwreck, often come away with an unbreakable bond for life. The explosion of emotions and experiences from these traumatic events causes a high degree of connection, despite the extremely short period of time. The same principle applies to a first date. If you can create a bunch of experiences in rapid succession, the emotional connection will be significantly enhanced. The more variety in activities, and the more intense the experiences, the more significant this bonding effect will be. When women describe going on an “adventure” on a date, this is what they mean. The adventure is really a journey of emotions and feelings that makes her feel at once sexually excited and more deeply connected to the man. Observation and awareness The first step to mastering logistics is observing and being aware of the situation. You have to know where you are, how far you are from your apartment or hotel room and what is the best way to get there (car, bus, taxi, etc). You have to know her logistical situation: does she have to get up early tomorrow, how far away is her place, is she familiar with the city or does she not know where she is (if she’s a tourist for example), does she have plans to meet up with a friend later, and so on. All of this information will help you figure out what you can do with her and on what timeframe. Usually she will drop hints as to her current situation or if she has plans. If you are unsure, you can just ask her, “Do you have any plans later?” Night game logistics Being aware of the circumstances is especially critical in night game situations where you are looking for an instant date or taking her home that same night. You should be familiar with the neighborhood you are in, any cool bars nearby and what they are like (big or small, crowded or empty, casual or high-end, etc), and any other types of venues that would be good for taking her (coffee shops, pizza places, a public park, a beach, an ice cream shop, and so on). If you are not familiar with your town or city, then get familiar. Research online or in local periodicals. Or better yet, go out to various places in person and see for yourself what they are like. Explore your town and neighborhoods. Find out where people hang out on a Friday and Saturday night. Finally, be aware of your own logistical situation (if you are out with a big group of friends, if the group has plans to go somewhere else later, and so on), and the girl’s situation (is she with a group of friends, or just one friend; is it a big bachelorette party, birthday party or are they just hanging out with nothing to do, etc). Being aware of these logistical realities will help you tremendously, and it will enable you to determine whether you should cut your losses and move on to the next girl, take this girl’s phone number and keep approaching others, or if you have the chance to actually instant date her or take her home.
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Day game logistics Logistical awareness will make a big difference in day game as well. Be aware of where you are, what she is doing (is she rushing to a business meeting, or is she wandering the streets aimlessly), how close you are to your place (if you want to try to bring her home right away), and what other places are nearby that would be good for an instant date (coffee shops, bars, restaurants, ice cream places, clothing stores, parks, whatever). Just being aware that there is a cool little café one block down might be the difference between having a 5 minute conversation with the girl and getting a phone number that eventually flakes, and having that conversation turn into an instant date to that café, spending the rest of the evening with her and eventually making out with her. Managing the situation After you are aware of the situation and what your options are, the next step is to actually manage things and guide things in your desired direction. Have a general idea of what you want, and make an effort to get that (whether it’s a kiss, an instant date, taking her home, or just getting her phone number). But at the same time you are not going to get emotionally disturbed if things don’t go as you intend. Managing the situation means that you are leading things and moving things forward, but you are also being calm and confident in yourself. You are mature and you have perspective. You should have a general set of objectives for meeting women and dating women, but without the need to get a certain result with a specific girl. That is an important distinction that will help you manage logistical escalation much more smoothly and confidently. Managing the situation is more of a mental activity than a physical one. There is actually very little you need to do in terms of outer game. It has more to do with your attitude and mentality. Are you paying attention to the situation in front of you, noticing what’s happening with the group, or are you disconnected and passive? If you are unaware of what’s going on, snap out of it and start paying attention. Paying attention means that you can take advantage of windows of opportunity. For example: you are talking to a girl and she is with two friends. Her two friends at one point walk away going to the bathroom, leaving you with her alone. This is a perfect opportunity to escalate more. You can escalate physically, or even kiss her, or take her phone number. All of which might be harder to do if she was in front of her friends. Or, suppose you are hanging out with a group of people, several girls and several guys, and someone suggests leaving and getting some pizza. This is an opportunity for you to walk with the group (instead of letting them leave without you) and escalate more and have a more private conversation with your target girl along the way. Another example: you have a hotel or apartment nearby, within walking distance or driving distance (by taxi for instance). Everyone is having fun in your group, so you propose you all leave and go to the pizza
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place nearby, and from there you can bring the whole group back to your place, if you decide that isolating your target girl from the group is not possible. You want to keep tabs on everyone in the group and see if anyone is having a bad time or kind of bringing the energy down (or being a cock block). You can either choose to talk to that guy or girl, involve them more in the fun, or try to isolate your target girl for a period of time, talk privately and get her phone number before letting her go back to the group. In short, you either take a position of responsibility in the group if they seem fun, cool and enjoyable for you, or you focus on the target girl for a period of time, and push things forward where possible before leaving. Either way, you are managing logistics by taking initiative and going after what you want in a calibrated way. Dates and meet ups Dates and meet ups with girls are all about logistical management. Managing the date well is usually the difference between an awesome experience and a mediocre one. As the man and as the person who invited her out, you are in the position to dictate the flow of the date and the activities you do. This is a very powerful role to have. It means you have many options depending on what you feel like doing and what you want for that evening. One very simple but effective habit to get into is to create a plan for the date. Keep it in the back of your mind and remember it as the date progresses. A lot of guys have a specific place and time they plan on meeting the girl, but once they have met up with her, that’s it. There’s no more thought on their part. It’s as if their main goal is just to see her in person, and nothing more. Instead, meeting her at the designated time is just the beginning. You should be excited and looking forward to what you’re going to do together. An example of a date plan would be: • • • • • •
Meet her at 9pm at XYZ Bar, get one drink each After about 30 minutes leave the bar and go for a stroll through the park Walk up to the bowling alley and have a game of bowling Kiss her by now Get a snack at XYZ sandwich shop nearby If things are going well, take her back to your place to watch a movie
This is a very simple plan that you can just implement until the point that either you or her no longer wants to be on this date. You should always have a basic idea of what you will be doing, and how long, for each date, whether it’s a first date, second date or more. Sometimes you will sense that she is super excited, happy with how things are going and the chemistry is great. Continue as planned. Other times, things aren’t going that well and she seems bored or uncooperative. You can try to continue (with no emotional attachment to any outcome) just for the hell
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of it, or for the sake of practice. Or you can just let it go and cut your losses, say goodbye to her and spend the rest of the time meeting new girls. Paying for girls The topic of paying for girls is a perennial concern. Whether you should pay for the girl on a date depends on a number of factors. But fundamentally it comes down to what you want to do. First get rid of the bogus notion that you “have” to pay for girls on the first date. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. Paying for a girl in no way guarantees sex or anything else. In my experience, there is absolutely no correlation between me paying for the girl, and me sleeping with the girl, or even seeing her again. Sometimes I pay for her, and I don’t even get a thank you, much less a kiss. Other times I don’t pay for her, and I end up dating her for weeks or months. It is not appropriate to spend a lot of money on a girl you are not dating (unless you have plenty of money to burn, in which case, who cares). Once you are dating her on a regular basis, then by all means, buy her gifts and do things for her. But at the earliest stages, before she has become a part of your life, it’s not a good practice. Spending money on a girl does not change her basic emotional or sexual desire for you. If she is very attracted to you, she will not suddenly be turned off when she sees that you’re not paying. Consider these four scenarios: • •
•
•
She likes you, and you pay: Pretty straightforward, everything is going well. She likes you, and you don’t pay: Is the fact that you don’t pay really a big deal to a girl who likes you and is enjoying hanging out with you? No. In fact, most of the time if she’s enjoying it, she will be happy to contribute money if necessary. It’s rare that a girl has a good first date with a guy she likes. Money is not going to affect her basic desire for you. At worst, it might be an annoyance or a surprise to her if you don’t pay. But she will get over it if she really likes you. If this money thing is a deal breaker for her, then either her desire for you was not strong enough to begin with, or she is hung up on traditional gender roles and expectations. She doesn’t like you, and you pay: Now, the flipside. She has no real desire to see you again or hang out with you. But you pay for her. When you take out that credit card, will she suddenly completely shift her emotional state? Does that little piece of plastic magically overrule the last 30 minutes of bad conversation and no chemistry? Of course not. She is still not going to call back and she is still not going to want to see you again. Paying for her does not change anything in that regard. You are still welcome to pay for her if you want (to be polite or because you already decided to beforehand). But don’t expect it to change anything as far as her attraction is concerned. She doesn’t like you, and you don’t pay: Lose, lose all around. This one had no potential to begin with. At least you didn’t waste any money.
If you don’t want to pay for her for whatever reason, just tell her respectfully, “Let’s split it” when the bill comes. And then continue talking. Paying becomes a big deal only if you allow it to be. 80
The best way to avoid the awkwardness of the payment issue is to just go to a place where either you don’t have to pay at all (like the beach or a park) or very little (like a cheap bar or snack shop). Remember that you are in control here. If you don’t want to spend a lot of money on a girl on a first date, then don’t take her to a place where you will spend a lot of money. You can choose to either pay for her or not, but your choice should be based on what you want. That is high value behavior. Low value behavior would be to pay because you feel you “have to,” or you think that is what she expects and you don’t want to “offend” her, or because you think that’s the custom you have to abide by. High value behavior is to pay for her because you are happy to do it, or because you are having such a good time with her you want to buy her the drink or the experience. It’s not important whether or not you pay. What matters is your intention and the frame you are projecting. Are you paying because you think you have to, or because you think it’s a quid pro quo situation where she will “pay you back” with sex or physical escalation later? Or are you paying because you are having a good time with her and you feel like being generous with no outcome in mind?
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~VI~ Perspective How to think
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15. Being sexual It’s one thing to be able to go through the motions of seducing a woman. It’s another to actually incorporate seduction into who you are. It’s the difference between “doing” and “being.” In one case you are a man who is able to seduce women. In the other, you are a seductive man. To be a seductive man you need to have a strong sexuality. That means that you are (1) in touch with your sexual desires, (2) accepting of them and not afraid of them, and (3) willing and able to express them. This simple three-part model enables you to develop a strong sexual aura that women will be able to sense when you are out with them or approaching them. Getting in touch with your sexual desires Do you know what you like in women? Do you know what your preferences are? Do you know what your standards are? Do you know what you are drawn to? What do you like to do in the bedroom? How do you like to hold women? What do you enjoy doing with women on a date? If you can’t answer these kinds of questions, then you are not fully in touch with your desires. So the first step is to figure it out. Figure out what your preferences are and what gets you excited. Figure out what draws you in and what turns you away. It might take some trial and error, and that’s perfectly fine. If you have no experience with women, then you need to talk to them, have conversations with them and take them out on dates to get a clearer idea of what you like. Men who have experience with women, and who are honest with themselves, are usually very clear in their desires. You should be aware when you are physically attracted to a woman. But you should also know what you like in intangible terms: personality, sense of humor, values, goals, sense of style, and so on15. Clarifying these things helps you develop your personal sexual identity, and gives you a better handle on your personal standards for women and what you will and will not accept in a partner. Accepting your sexual desires Once you are aware of what you want, you must accept it. Unfortunately many men have hang-ups and issues with respect to their desires for women. Sometimes these stem from a very religious or conservative upbringing. Sometimes it has to do with bizarre messages received from the culture and media. Sometimes it’s caused by bad experiences and negative feedback from past girlfriends. Regardless of the cause, this is something that you will need to move past in order to embrace your sexuality fully. Another person will not be able to accept you if you don’t first accept yourself. You accept the fact that you need to sleep, that you like certain foods over others, that you like to dress a certain way. So why should your sexual preferences be any different? Sex is a part of your life like any
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Much of this was discussed in Chapter 4
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other. It’s not going to go away, and it’s not a problem or an annoyance. It just needs to be respected and accepted. Accepting your sexual desires does not imply letting them take over your life or turning into a sexobsessed maniac. It just means allowing sex to play a normal, natural part of your life. It does not deserve excessive condemnation or excessive celebration. Sex and romance should be integrated into your overall life. It should not be squashed into a corner and diminished. And neither should it be blown up beyond proportion and interfere with other things. Having a healthy, balanced attitude towards sex not only makes you infinitely more sane and calm overall, but it also makes you stand out in a world where men are often afraid and intimidated by everything having to do with sex—from their own sexual desires, to women’s sexuality, to the sexuality of other men. Expressing your sexual desires This is where the rubber meets the road, and where you actually take risks and put your desires out there. This is all about communication, and we know there are two main ways of communicating with women: verbal and nonverbal. Nonverbal communication is the most effective way of expressing your sexual desires to women. If you have already gone through the first two steps—getting in touch with your sexual desires, and accepting them and embracing them—then the hardest part is already over. You will find that “expressing your desires” comes very natural as you are interacting with the girl. She will sense your sexuality through your voice tone, eye contact, body positioning, gestures and facial expressions. Verbal communication is the second choice when it comes to sexual expression. Nonverbal communication is the most powerful, but words can be effective if you know how to use them correctly. Flirting, teasing, and bringing up sexual- or romantic-themed topics are all good ways to escalate verbally. As you progress further in the seduction, you can become more and more explicit and direct in your words (like with “dirty talk” in the bedroom or during foreplay)16. While countless men want to learn the right things to do or say to get more sexual with women, the fact is that the vast majority of sexual communication happens just beneath the surface. Instead of being a product of directed, conscious effort, it’s mostly a result of your attitude, psychology and state of mind. If you are in touch with your desires and totally comfortable with your sexuality, then you will automatically do things and say things that send the interaction in a sexual direction. You can learn and execute certain tactics to convey a more sexual vibe and generate more sexual tension (including many of the techniques discussed in the previous chapters). But in the long run, the only way to achieve a high level of skill in this area is to get your attitude and beliefs around sex and your own desires sorted out. If you are clear and open with what you want, then everything—from approaching, to flirting, to asking girls out, to physical escalation—becomes totally natural and 16
See Chapter 13 for more on verbal escalation
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straightforward. You don’t have to force yourself to do anything, because you’re already acting in congruence with your desires. You are living in a completely honest and open way. In the long run, all outer game comes from inner game. The ability to express your sexuality is directly tied to your awareness and acceptance of it. Developing the killer instinct The “killer instinct” is the trait that all master seducers, pickup artists, players, hustlers and whatever you want to call them have. It means the ability and willingness to identify opportunities and pursue them consistently. Consistency is one of the most important differences between a guy who is great with women and who gets his desired results regularly, and a guy who is merely “good” and gets results, even good results, but only from time to time. Consistency of action and taking initiative is essential for consistent results. Advanced guys are able to switch to higher consistency when they want it. They are never in a situation where they really don’t know what to do or how to do it. Their results come from choice, not chance. And the killer instinct is one of the critical qualities of those guys who are beyond the “pretty good” stage. There are two key parts to developing the killer instinct: identifying opportunities, and going after them consistently. One without the other is good, but not sufficient for the highest level of seductive skill. If you can identify opportunities, but not go after them consistently, then you will be very observant and aware, but you will not get the regular results because you are simply not taking action and initiating things enough. On the other hand, if you take action more or less whenever you see an opportunity, but you are not able to see very many of them, then your results will suffer from your lack of awareness and inability to see all of what is out there for you to take. Noticing opportunities Noticing opportunities applies everywhere. Not just to approaching and meeting women, but also at every stage of the process—conversation, asking her out, taking her on an instant date, kissing her, bringing her back to your place. One of the most common shortcomings of beginners and guys with poor results is that they fail to see all of the opportunities in front of them. They don’t notice the women looking at them, they don’t realize they can ask for her number, they don’t realize they can kiss her much earlier than they think, and they don’t realize that they can invite girls back to their place much more often than they currently do. Just doing these basic things and going through the motions over and over is enough to significantly transform results. This doesn’t apply to every beginner (some guys are just not very attractive and need to improve in their fashion, body language, and other areas for women to notice them), but it applies to enough guys that it is a very common problem. 85
The really advanced guys who get amazing results can see things that other guys can’t see. They have been practicing and looking for women for so long that it has become second-nature to notice details and subtleties in social settings that elude others. The way a woman makes eye contact from across the room—might be a sign of wanting to talk to him. A woman’s body language sitting in the corner says that she is bored and waiting for someone interesting to approach her. A woman is strolling leisurely outside while other people are rushing to and fro—a sign of greater openness to being approached and chatted up. The way she is looking at him and her open body language suggests that she is open to an instant date. The way she is making out with him tells him he can slip his hand up her skirt. To be able to notice as many opportunities as possible, you need to first understand that opportunities really are everywhere. As long as you are in an area with at least a decent amount of people, with a diversity of ages, and a gender ratio of at least parity, there will be opportunities. But they might not be where you expect. When you are out in your daily life on public transportation, walking in the street, whenever you enter a new room or store or shop, make an effort to count how many attractive women there are. You have to be looking for the opportunities before you can see them. In time, this looking habit will become second nature, but until then, you have to make a conscious effort. Be open to seeing opportunities. Don’t assume they can only occur in one kind of place—bars and nightclubs being the classic example. There might be a woman in the elevator that you want to meet, or waiting in line at the supermarket, or sitting texting on her phone in the lobby of your office building. In the same way, don’t assume that opportunities to go out with a girl or to kiss a girl must occur under very specific, narrow circumstances. You might be able to kiss a girl within minutes of meeting her (especially in night game). You might be able to take a girl on an instant date—essentially going out with her right upon meeting her, and capitalizing on the emotions and energy in the moment, instead of waiting several days and trying to build up interest again. Keep in mind the logistical situation and the opportunities and challenges it presents17. Pursuing opportunities Pursuing opportunities means going after what you want without shame and without worrying about what the girl, or anyone else, will think of you. Taking risks and taking initiative is one of the key qualities of an attractive man. If you are in touch with your sexuality, accepting of it, and willing and able to express it, then pursuing opportunities simply becomes a matter of taking action. Push yourself to go after those opportunities. You can make it easier by breaking down the action into smaller pieces, and focus on whichever miniaction you are having trouble with at the moment: walking towards women, opening your mouth, saying something to them, carrying on a conversation, flirting, asking for phone numbers, etc.
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See Chapter 14 for more on logistics
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And the same principle applies at the more advanced levels. Focus on one step at a time until you are where you want to be: making out with girls, sexual innuendo, feeling her up, getting her back to your place, foreplay, taking her clothes off, and so on. For approaching women (which is the most important part of game and seduction), get in the habit of approaching women any time the opportunity presents itself. You can do this by talking to people everywhere you go and incorporating talking to strangers into your lifestyle. Talking with random people does not come automatic to introverts, but this skill is absolutely learnable. Practice talking to cashiers, retail workers, bartenders, people waiting with you in line at the supermarket, bus stop, post office, or anywhere else. Get in the habit of being friendly, open and approachable with strangers. It will not be long before you will see a hot girl, and approach her as a reflex, with zero hesitation. The more often you do something, the more naturally it will come to you. Being more social, friendly and willing to talk to strangers is a very positive habit for you to get into as an introvert. Don’t assume you have to drain yourself by being super high energy. A simple compliment, innocent observation with a smile, or idle chitchat can go a long way in your development. Whenever I tell people I just met (including attractive women) that I’m an introvert, they always react with disbelief. I come across as an extravert to them because I am friendly and have very little nervousness approaching strangers. I am still an introvert, but I have developed this skill. If I can do it, then any other introverted man can do it too. You are already attractive One of the most critical insights that men tend to miss is that they have attractive qualities simply by being a man. Just by being of the male gender, the basis of attraction from women exists within you. What you do with that core potential is up to you. You have probably been in conversations with girls who you did not find particularly attractive. Maybe she was overweight, maybe she wasn’t really your type physically. But there was something about her that was still a little interesting. It might have been something in the sound of her voice, the way she flipped her hair, the way her hips moved when she walked, the way her sweater conformed to her breasts, or her silly wide-eyed expression when you mentioned her favorite TV show. Even though she wasn’t attractive enough for you to ask her out, there was still a little something there that got your attention for a moment. What was that? Femininity. Simply by virtue of being a female, she has the raw material to attract men. It is up to her what she does with it—whether she gets in better shape, learns to flirt better with men, and so on. In our case as men, the same rule applies. We have masculinity, the raw material with which to attract women. Seemingly minor things like the way you move your shoulders as you walk, your facial hair, the deepness of your voice, your chest hair, the roughness of your palms, the thickness of your arms, the 87
way you sit with legs apart, the slight bulge in your pants (or maybe not-so-slight), the fact that you are taller than her—all of these send the signal that you are a man. Women may not talk about them, but they notice them. These are the little masculine details that get a girl’s attention. How you feel about your masculine qualities is up to you. Do you embrace them or not even notice them to begin with? Do you think of yourself as masculine and sexual? Do you see a guy who is at least potentially attractive when you look in the mirror? Or do you just see the same old face you’ve been looking at for years? Aside from how you feel, you also can change how you act. You can adjust your body language to accentuate your masculinity and confidence. You can dress in a more “manly” way—for instance, by ditching the boring ill-fitting t-shirt (which is genderless) and putting on a nice suit (which is clearly masculine). You can speak louder and deeper. You can improve your facial hair and make it stylish and slick. You can get in shape and lose the gut or bulk up your arms. Again, the tools are at your disposal. There are women out there who are already attracted to you. If they are the kind of girls you are attracted to as well, then your main job is to approach, escalate and seduce them. If those girls are not attractive enough, then you need to either adjust your context or improve yourself and become more interesting to the women you do desire.
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16. Being honest Being honest with your intentions and desires is extremely powerful in seduction. Many guys, if not most, are not remotely honest. This is often because they think they have to act a certain way or say certain things in order to get a certain result from women, or even to just keep women’s attention. It can also happen because they are uncomfortable or unclear with themselves about their desires. If you don’t know what you really want, how can you effectively communicate it to someone else? Honesty with others starts with being honest with yourself. This relates back to what was mentioned in Chapter 15 of being in touch with and accepting your sexual desires. If you are not being honest and straight with yourself, how can you be clear with others? To be an effective seducer you have to get your internal world in order, so that you can present it outwardly and engage women on that basis. Honesty and transparency with women is one of those radical concepts that isn’t very radical at all. It seems revolutionary because of just how bizarre dating customs tend to be. But this is one of the things that makes it so powerful. A man who knows what he wants and is willing to go after it is extremely hot to women. But more than that, a man who is clear with his intentions and straightforward in his communication is also not wasting anyone’s time—neither his nor hers. He will be much more efficient in getting whatever it is he is looking for. While other guys are going through all kinds of motions and games, wasting time and energy sending random signals to women, the guy who knows what he wants and keeps things simple and straightforward is actually getting sex, dates and relationships. Honesty as a risk Willingness to take risks is one of the major attractive qualities in men. Risks come in many different forms, from financial risks (starting a new business or casino gambling), to fashion risks (wearing attention-grabbing clothing), to conversational risks (disagreeing with someone or being unafraid of confrontation). But one of the biggest and most important risks is putting your desires out there and expressing them. In this case, the risk is emotional: you are expressing your feelings and desires, and taking the risk that they will not be returned. Recall that just as men want women to be physically vulnerable, women want men to be emotionally vulnerable. A woman who is willing to get physically naked is attractive to men, other things equal. And a man who is willing to get emotionally naked is attractive to women, other things equal. I say “other things equal” because between two women with the same physical qualities, the one who is wearing less clothing is typically more desirable in a primal, sexual sense. And the same applies for men: for two men of the same level of overall value or status, the one who is more open and honest is more desirable. Whatever emotions you are experiencing—angry, sad, happy, curious, nervous—when in doubt, it is better to be more open rather than less open, as a general rule.
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Communication is primarily nonverbal. So being open and honest does not necessarily mean being clear and direct with your words. It can be, but more often it means communicating your emotions and feelings through your nonverbals: eye contact, facial expressions, head movements, and so on. And note that just because a woman is naked does not mean every man will be attracted to her. Some women have unappealing bodies. In the same way, being emotionally naked does not mean every woman will be attracted to you. Some women will not be interested in what you have to offer with your personality or what you are feeling at that moment. To a perky party girl in a good mood, a man who is sad and brooding may be a total turnoff. But to a reclusive, introspective, artistic girl, he may be a great catch. And we know that being too eager and aggressive is a turnoff to most women in most situations. The point is that opening yourself up and showing what’s going on inside—your thoughts, beliefs, values, dreams, desires, ambitions, goals, fears, expectations, ideas, knowledge, ignorance, tastes, preferences—will rapidly and smoothly attract the right women to you, and filter out the wrong ones. Imagine a man who only dates blondes, going out with a woman who has died her hair blonde. Her natural color is black, but he doesn’t know that. At some point the truth will come out, and the attraction will be in jeopardy. People can get into relationships that last weeks, months or even years without knowing who the other person really is or what they really want. So if a guy is looking for a one night stand, he should be open and honest about that as he approaches women. Is he taking a risk that some women will be turned off and may think he’s sleazy or unattractive? Absolutely. But if that is what he truly wants, then he needs to own it and not apologize for it. The same principle applies if he is looking for casual dating, short term relationships, long term relationships, a threesome, marriage and kids, or anything else. Honesty and openness is a risk, but it is a risk that you must take if you are going to get what you want. Don’t “apologize” If you are being honest and owning your desires, then you should not be apologizing. Apologies don’t come in the form of words, as in “I’m sorry.” Like everything else, they come in the form of nonverbal communication. When you have a goofy smile, a guilty or sheepish look on your face, guilty or apologetic body language, slouching, turning away, avoiding eye contact—all of this communicates that you are not comfortable with what you are doing and you think it’s not right. Needless to say, if you don’t think it’s right, then she will definitely not think it’s right either. Think about the behavior of children when they know they did something wrong. Children have not been fully socialized yet, so they don’t cover up their moment-by-moment feelings. They do things like look down, pout, hide their hands in their pockets and break eye contact. If you are approximating any of that behavior, you are essentially apologizing for whatever you are doing and giving away your power and dominant energy.
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It’s one thing to verbally acknowledge the social reality of a situation, such as “Hey, I know this is random, but I just wanted to say you’re really cute,” or “Sorry to bother you, but you look very nice...” This demonstrates social awareness and intelligence, and can be attractive for that reason. But it’s another to genuinely apologize for your desires or your actions. Apologizing is not attractive. And being a jerk and rubbing it in someone’s face is not attractive either. Find the middle ground where you can be confident, dominant and take initiative without being arrogant, domineering and taking liberties. You want to be able to own your actions and your desires, not think there is anything wrong with them, but also be aware that it might be unusual or out-of-place, depending on the social norms.
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17. Abundance mentality Sex for women is more emotional than for men. So a woman has to be comfortable being emotionally naked with a man before being physically naked. You must penetrate her emotionally before penetrating her physically. “Penetrating her emotionally” sounds like a lot of work, and you could certainly make it very hard on yourself. You could try to “convince” her logically to like you; overwhelm her with displays of power and wealth; learn ever-more sophisticated conversation routines; or allow yourself to get caught up in her cat-and-mouse games (for which she sets the terms) and try to “win.” Or you could make it easy on yourself and open up, embrace your masculine desire and connect with women on that basis. Ultimately, no matter how much time and energy is exerted learning tricks and routines in the effort of “game,” they all come down to the same thing that low-confidence guys have been doing for generations: trying to manipulate women, impress women and convince women that sleeping with them is a good idea. Just because it’s done in a more subtle and under-the-radar way doesn’t change the basic power structure in play: the woman is the judge, the consumer, the decider. The man is the candidate, the applicant, the salesman. True abundance Successful seducers either reverse this dynamic, or neutralize it, so that the man and woman are approaching the seduction (and the sex) as equals, not as competing parties playing a “zero-sum game” with winners and losers. What if a given girl doesn’t want to engage with you on those terms? What if she wants to play games? What if she wants you to “impress” her? What if she expects you to “work” for it (whether for sex, a date, a kiss, attention, or anything else)? Then you drop her and you move on with the understanding that there are plenty more women out there who will be on the same page as you. Would you make a woman “wait” or “work for it” if you were extremely attracted to her? I’m guessing the answer is no. So if a woman is acting that way with you, what does that communicate? She probably isn’t that interested. Some might say “but women are different; they like to play games and make a guy work. They don’t want to feel too easy. They don’t want sex as much as we do.” Part of this attitude comes from the fact that many guys are just not attractive enough, and are not at the top of their game. But a large part of it also stems from a very simple but unfortunate fact: men don’t approach very many women. The average guy doesn’t approach many women because he is unwilling or unable, or both. The result is simple: he has few options. Thus all of his romantic and sexual attention is concentrated in just a few prospects, if not just one. 92
The analogy of sales If you’re a salesman and you have just one client that has expressed interest in your product (after going for the first 6 months of this year without a single lead), you will hold onto them for dear life. This is your one big chance to finally make a sale this year. So you will do practically anything to close that deal. Maybe you’ll get the sale, maybe you won’t. But if you repeat the same routine every year, one client after the other, very soon you will start to develop some assumptions about leads. You will believe that they are flaky, they like to play it cool, they’re always on the fence, they don’t want to seem too interested in your product, they like to negotiate. It will never cross your mind that the real source of your problems is that you only make an effort to contact three or four new leads per year. The head salesman in your company’s biggest competitor, on the other hand, approaches over 500 potential leads per year. In his world, leads that do not express real excitement about the product are rarely if ever entertained. That salesman knows that not only are those excited customers much more likely to buy and buy quickly, they are also more likely to make repeat purchases, spending lots and lots of money over time. Ironically, the more successful salesman does less “selling” (in the sense of convincing or persuading) because he is selecting for, and focusing on, the right leads. In the same way, a guy who has an amazing love life and seemingly never fails to get what he wants with women has a radically different attitude than most guys, born out of a very different strategy. In his world, women rarely say no, nor do they give him a hard time, nor do they jerk him around. How can this be? Because he simply does not spend time on women who act like that. He would rather invest his time and energy in seeking a girl who is super excited and interested in him, even if it means he has to go through more approaches, than invest time and energy in a girl who gives him mixed messages and plays games. The typical, frustrated guy thinks that women are agnostic about sex or dates. The successful guy sees the world of women as a world of opportunity, not a world of frustration, confusion and psychological torment. It’s largely because the typical guy allows all of his romantic energy to be taken up by a few women who are not that interested in him. He just doesn’t make an effort to keep looking. The successful guy does. He will not settle even for a moment for a woman who is not excited to see him. He has enough other interesting, stimulating, enjoyable things going on in his life that he does not need the presence of a woman just to feel good. He would rather spend an evening with a good book, or listening to music, or playing football with his friends, than with a woman who is lukewarm about him and unlikely to give him what he wants. To give yourself the best chance of finding a good match or realizing your desires, you need to put yourself in front of a good number of women. Approaching one or two women per month is simply
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denying yourself those opportunities and holding yourself back. For most men, a good sustainable long term strategy would be 5 to 10 approaches per week, or around one approach per day. As you approach more women and take more women out, you will eventually have the power to be more discriminating and have higher standards. This actual abundance will consolidate your mindset of abundance. You will realize that you don’t have to sacrifice time or energy on women that are not really interested in you just for the sake of having some kind of dating life. Abundance for beginners It’s one thing for an advanced guy who has been on plenty of dates to talk about “abundance” but what about a beginner guy, or a guy who has very little going on in the dating realm? He can still apply and benefit from abundance in two major ways: (1) by realizing abundance in other areas of his life, independent of women, and (2) by focusing on the abundance that he already has with women. Let’s start with the second statement first: what abundance does the beginner “already” have? By definition, he has no options with women, that’s what makes him a beginner, right? Wrong. He has abundance in one critical area that all men have abundance in: the ability to approach women. No matter who you are, and no matter how much experience you have had with women, you have the ability to approach any number of women you want. That is an extremely empowering fact when you really let it sink in. If you approach a woman, and she is not interested, you remember that you have more options—in the form of many more women that you can approach. You don’t let her lack of interest affect you. You can approach 10, 100 or 1000 more women. And more importantly, as a beginner with little experience, you have the ability to achieve abundance in other areas of your life, from career to friends and social life, to hobbies and interests. The men who are the most attractive to women almost always have something in their life that is more important and more interesting to them than dates or sex. This ebook is about seduction, but it is vital for you as a man to develop a strong and powerful overall life that actually gives you happiness and fulfillment. In the long run, it is impossible for you to have excellent relationships with women unless your life as a whole is excellent.
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18. Emotional strength Sex and sexual escalation is a primarily nonverbal process. While emotions and feelings play a role in this nonverbal process, positive and negative judgments do not (or at least, they don’t have to). It is common for people to get angry or upset if things don’t go their way during the seduction process. But allowing these reactions to get in the way is counterproductive. Guys who are inexperienced or lacking in their dating lives often get emotionally involved in the moment-by-moment action of the seduction process. They are happy or sad depending on how responsive or compliant the girl seems to be at any given time. This overeager guy acts in a way that is inappropriate for the situation. He just met the girl, and he might already be acting as if he’s in love. This uncalibrated action is often directly connected to a flawed emotional framework. He gets inappropriately happy or sad depending on external events. It’s one thing to be ecstatic that you are falling in love and plan to marry a woman who you’ve been dating for two years. But it is quite another to feel that way about getting a girl’s phone number. And, in the same way, it makes no sense to be sent into psychological turmoil when a girl refuses to give you her phone number or flakes on a date. This all may be easy to understand but hard to implement. It makes sense intellectually not to get too excited or too depressed in response to women’s reactions. But actually internalizing that and living that way, and actually feeling those feelings (or lack thereof) is more challenging. That internalization comes primarily through practice and experience. In the course of approaching women, taking risks, succeeding and failing, analyzing your experiences and interpreting them in the right way (i.e. “she flaked on the date, no big deal” and not “she flaked on the date, this sucks, women hate me”) you eventually will “get it.” Your emotional circuitry will become rewired so that things that are not important do not affect you all that much, and you are able to refocus your energies on things that are important. The benefits to your sanity and state of mind alone are reason enough to go through this process of emotional readjustment. Controlled experience and conscious practice To attain this more mature emotional state and a better perspective, a very effective strategy is “controlled exposure” where you expose yourself to new challenges in a controlled way, and progressively move forward over time. For example, if you have a hard time going in for the kiss because you are scared to death of girls turning away or rejecting you, then break the process into smaller parts and focus exclusively on one part at a time: for several dates, focus only on light physical escalation of the type that builds up to a kiss; then, just lean in towards her face without any intention to actually kiss her, just to put your body through the motions of it, and whisper something in her ear (it won’t be long before you actually do complete the last 10% of the motion and just kiss her); then, for several dates, just lean in and kiss her on the cheek, 95
again, with no intention of kissing her on the lips (this will again often result in a make out because your body will be doing the work for you at that point, and hers as well). If, after all this practice, you still have not kissed a girl, you should be stronger emotionally and tougher with respect to the threat of rejection, and therefore you can just lean in and try to kiss her, and if she rejects you or turns away you will not be affected by it. The same kind of strategy can be applied to any part of the seduction process: developing personal conversation, physical escalation in general, asking her out, taking her phone number, inviting her back to your place, initiating sex, and others. After going through this process and gaining more experience, you will naturally have more perspective and have a healthier emotional balance. This creates a snowball effect where your experience and success feed off each other. Masculinity and leadership Seduction is, in many ways, the act of repeatedly taking initiative, and seeing if she accepts/ follows. You take initiative by approaching, starting the conversation, leading and guiding the conversation in a certain way, asking for her number, inviting her out, leading the date, initiating the kiss, inviting her back to your place (or anywhere private), leading the foreplay and physical escalation, initiating sex, setting the terms of the relationship, doing things for her and surprising her, and creating experiences. A leader is not someone who constantly seeks to make others happy. He does not allow temporary emotions (either his own or others’) to affect his larger goal or purpose. Your larger purpose might be to find an amazing relationship with a woman who is sexually attracted to you. Don’t let minor rejections or disapproval from incompatible women derail that goal. Men are the leaders in sex and romance for a variety of reasons, from cultural traditions to biological factors like having much higher testosterone than women. Testosterone gives men more natural confidence and a greater appetite for risk, danger, leading, dominance, taking initiative and trying new things. A woman feels fully enthralled and swept off her feet when a man is totally in his element as the leader and the dominant, active force in the relationship (on the approach, on the date, in bed, in life). The most effective seducers understand this and execute it on a regular basis, giving women extraordinary experiences and feelings. Action vs. outcome independence One of the ironies men face in seduction is the need to take action, but without coming across too eager or desperate or needy. We know that we should be emotionally open with women and willing and able to express ourselves18. But we also know that being too eager is unattractive and turns women off19.
18 19
See Chapters 15 and 16 for more on emotional expression and honesty See Chapters 10 and 13 for more on not being too eager
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The way to resolve this conflict is to separate the physical from the emotional. This also means distinguishing action from goals. The difference between the physical and emotional is an important aspect of male sexuality. While we are physically attracted to a woman, that does not mean we are emotionally attracted to her. You approach her, talk to her, and physically escalate with her because of your physical attraction. But emotional connection is a separate item altogether. Over time as you consolidate the physical connection (primarily through sex), your emotional commitment becomes more solid (and that is what strong relationships are made of). It makes a lot more sense to get emotionally attached to a girl after you have slept with her, than before. Secondly, there is a difference between action and goals. You should have general goals for this process of improvement that you are committed to: you want to get dates, you want to have sex, you want to get girlfriends20. But you should not have the emotional need to get a specific result with a specific girl. A good goal is “to have sex.” A bad goal is “to have sex with that cute girl I met in the grocery store.” A good goal is “to get more dates.” A bad goal is “to get Erica out on a date.” This is how you cultivate outcome independence within a particular interaction, conversation or date, but while still being committed to the overall macro goal of improving your love life. Focus on the task in front of you. You are doing this task in the service of the larger goal (to get more sex or more girlfriends), but not for the sake of getting a specific outcome with this particular girl. And you are taking action because that is what you feel like doing in this moment, with no emotional investment in the outcome of that action. This is how you take action, even very strong action, on a moment-by-moment basis, without becoming outcome dependent within a specific interaction or situation. This will also help you get your emotional reality in order and reduce your eagerness and neediness over time. You will be emotionally invested in the right things (in yourself and your life goals) not in the wrong things (the outcome of this conversation or date).
20
See Chapter 4 for more on determining your goals in seduction
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~VII~ Understanding Conclusions
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19. Pathways of attraction Nature has designed men and women in different ways, with different “roles” to play in the sexual dance. The most obvious are the anatomical differences: the man contributes sperm cells, the woman contributes egg cells and all the machinery for the gestation and care of a child. In the simplest terms, because men are on average taller, stronger and more athletic than women, they are the “gender of survival,” whereas women, whose bodies perform almost all the work in the reproductive process from gestation all the way to breastfeeding, are the “gender of reproduction,” so to speak. Survival and reproduction being the two primary functions of all life, evolution seems to have concentrated most of the “tools” of each into one gender or the other. These physical differences are mirrored by the differences in psychology and how sexual attraction works. In general, male sexual attraction is primarily based on how a woman looks, while female sexual attraction is mostly determined by how a man behaves. A man is unconsciously looking for certain things in a woman’s looks (facial symmetry, clear skin, a certain hip-to-waist ratio, etc), and seeing those things is what makes him say the woman is attractive. And a woman is unconsciously looking for certain things in a man’s behavior (confidence, willingness to take risks, social awareness, etc), and seeing those things is what makes her say the man is attractive. She can either see those qualities demonstrated firsthand (he resolves a conflict, or he demonstrates social awareness by being friendly and polite with strangers), or she can see the results of those qualities manifested (he is dressed well indicating social awareness and confidence; he is surrounded by other cool people indicating the ability to make social connections and maintain high-value relationships). When she observes those qualities being demonstrated firsthand, in front of her, that is the category that “game” falls under. When she sees the results of those qualities manifested (in his outfit, his group of friends, etc), that is mostly where status and power apply. As the woman interacts with him, spends time with him and gets to know him, she gets a progressively clearer understanding of who he is and what he is all about. It is primarily his behavior, actions and the experiences she has with him that inform her about his power, social status or potential thereof. This “getting to know you” process enables her to feel more and more comfortable with him. And his actions that escalate and push things forward physically serve to excite her and stimulate her. Thus she feels both excitement and comfort with this man. The net result is a full physical and emotional connection, culminating in sex.
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20. The philosophy of seduction We know that all seduction comes down to the balance between two forces: excitement and comfort. As a woman gets seduced by a man, she feels progressively more excited, stimulated and aroused by him, and progressively more emotionally connected, trusting, and comfortable with him. Seduction is the transition from strangers to lovers, from the least intimate connection with someone, to the most intimate. It can’t happen without that initial spark of attraction, but at the same time, that is just the beginning. Seduction has roots primarily in comfort and familiarity. Professional PUAs have known this for years, and it still holds true. Dating is not a competition Seduction is often thought of in terms of “conquest.” To conquer means to defeat an enemy in battle. Is that the best way to think of women and dating? That women are the “enemy” and flirting and dating them is a “battle”? Perhaps for some men with an unhealthy attitude towards women. This kind of attitude tends to be popular with men who have been taken advantage of, or hurt emotionally in some way by a former girlfriend or ex-wife. Seeing seduction as a zero-sum game with winners and losers (“if we have sex, I win, and if we don’t, then she wins”) is also often popular with men who have no idea how it really works, or who have extremely little exposure to the female gender21. They do not understand what women really want or what they are attracted to. All they know is that they want something, and women tend not to give it to them. An entire book could be written on the problems with this attitude alone. But perhaps the most critical flaw is the idea that women are neutral or even against sex. Women want sex To the contrary, despite prevailing cultural stereotypes and assumptions, women are in many ways more desiring of sex than men. The female body contains the only human organ whose sole function is sexual pleasure (the clitoris). Rather than sex being something that men have to convince women to partake in grudgingly, sex is something that women crave on a deep level. But they desire sex in a way that is different from men, and moreover, just because a woman desires sex does not mean she desires sex with a given individual man. Whereas sex for men is primarily physical, for women it is primarily emotional and psychological. There is certainly an overlap between the physical and the emotional. The problem is that countless men think of sex in their own terms (the physical), without awareness of the emotional side of things. 21
Which relates back to the issue of not approaching enough women, discussed in Chapter 17
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No wonder they have trouble “convincing” women to sleep with them. They are focusing their attention on the physical act, trying to impose their physical urges on the woman. When this effort fails, they come to the conclusion that “women don’t want sex.” But what is really happening is that women don’t want sex that is unsatisfactory to them. An unattractive woman could try going out with man after man, and never able to sleep with one. She would come to the conclusion that “men don’t want sex.” But in reality, men do want sex, they just don’t want sex that will be unsatisfactory to them, or that will not feel good. Sex with an unattractive woman is not enticing to most men. And sex with a man who does not stimulate her emotionally (i.e. a man who is unattractive) is not enjoyable for most women. There are certainly exceptions to this rule. Occasionally, an unattractive woman will be able to get a man to sleep with her. It will be a man who is not attracted to her, but narrowly focused on the sexual act and satisfying that urge. In the same way, occasionally a man will be able to sleep with a woman without any real emotional connection or engagement. It will be a woman who, for whatever reason, at that moment has a strong physical urge that overrides her normal desire for the emotional and psychological experience. Both scenarios are relatively uncommon. Women who are unattractive need to make themselves more attractive to become more sexually desirable (by getting to normal weight, getting clear skin, improving their hair, and so on), and men need to become more emotionally powerful and psychologically engaging to become more sexually desirable to women (through conversation skills, mindset adjustments, body language and nonverbal communication, calibration and contextual awareness—all of the elements discussed in this book). The central role of emotional openness and genuineness in the seduction process means that men who shut down their emotional/ feeling side and concentrate their energy in the physical realm will miss out on sex more often than not. They will fail to stimulate or engage women and therefore fail to sleep with them. The real conquest Seduction can be thought of as a “conquest.” But if it is a conquest, it is a conquest as much of oneself as it is of a woman. You are not just conquering and overwhelming her emotionally. You are also breaking through your own emotional barriers and making yourself more vulnerable. For a woman to open up physically, she has to open up emotionally. And for her to open up emotionally, you have to open up emotionally first. Seduction is not just about getting her own feminine, sexual nature to come out, it is also about getting rid of the clutter and baggage in your own head (much of it induced by the culture, society or your family background) to allow your masculine, sexual nature to come out. You are sexualizing yourself as much as you are sexualizing her. Giacomo Casanova, one of history’s most famous seducers, said: “I do not conquer; I submit.” 101
Submission to the pure sexual power within yourself is a prerequisite to engaging a woman on sexual terms. Submit to that sexual power, submit to the effect that the woman has on you. Don’t fight it or constrain it, accept it without neediness or eagerness. And take action. True leadership in seduction We know about the importance of calibration and responding to her signals. But does the fact that you are reacting to her mean that she is in the lead and you are just playing the weaker role? No. To the contrary, the fact that you, as the man, are of a mind to push things forward means that you are occupying the leader position. Being a leader does not mean steamrolling over one’s follower. You cannot be a leader without a follower. But the follower has to comply with the leader in order to be led. If the follower is not complying, then she is no longer following, and therefore you are no longer leading her. Playing the overall dominant role in the relationship does not mean that you are blind to her preferences or her input. A successful seduction is a give-and-take process. As such, if you are going to seduce the woman, it’s going to be with her approval and her acquiescence, by definition. Her sexual “stamp” will be on the end result as much as yours. One of the things that makes seduction so interesting is the unique sexual chemistry between each man and woman. Even if you are the same man, each woman that you date or sleep with will bring out a slightly different part of your personality. She will talk about different things, touch you in different ways, kiss you in different ways, and give you different experiences. The nerdy undergrad who hates bars. The extraverted fashion designer. The medical student with a sarcastic sense of humor. The quiet girl who works in a nail salon. You can bring ten girls into your bedroom, and you will get ten different opinions on the décor and colors. Each girl you seduce has something new and different to offer you, in addition to her body. This give-and-take process makes leadership in seduction quite enriching. As you lead another person to sex, you are not just becoming more confident and more powerful in your own right, but you are absorbing experiences and lessons along the way. Of course you have certain boundaries and standards—that’s critical to making sure the experience is to your liking. But within those boundaries, many things are possible depending on the woman and what she has to offer. Just as you are developing your own style of seduction and your own habits of sexual escalation, each woman is doing the same for herself, based on her own desires and her own personal journey. You can learn a lot about yourself from each relationship you have.
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21. What is it all for? A book for introverts would not be complete without some kind of deeper reflection. Inevitably, sooner or later, we will have to confront the “why” of what we’re doing. For me, this happened years before I even entered the pickup world as I asked myself what I believed and what my real values were. For many, it happens after years of slaying one woman after the other. Few will be able to escape the need for some larger purpose or goal in their lives. Sex is certainly essential to seduction. But while we cannot have seduction without sex, we can have sex without seduction. This makes a pure focus on sex quite misplaced and misguided. That is not to say that going out talking to women solely for the purpose of having sex is wrong. Rather, I am talking about an open-ended fixation on the sexual act, at the expense of other things in your life. It does not have to rise to the level of sex addiction to become a problem. Focusing too much on anything will hurt you in the long run. Excessive focus on making money eventually turns into win-at-all-costs greed. You condemn yourself to a life in the rat race chasing the next dollar. Excessive focus on your work can ruin your relationships and gradually make you colder and more cutoff from the world. Even excessive focus on spending time with your family can create problems. It can devolve into a fear of striking out on your own and building your own life, preferring instead to stay in the warm, comfortable zone of home. Balance is essential to a fulfilled and enjoyable life. That balance may include doing extreme things sometimes. It may include being hyper-focused on just one project for a period of time (such as focusing on the skill of talking with and seducing women). But in the long run, things should balance out. You should be enjoying all that life has to offer. What seduction is really all about What we are all really looking for is connection with another person. This is manifested for most of us through the physical act of sex. But guys who have plenty of sex with different girls quickly realize that without the deeper connection, it quickly becomes pointless to try to get more sex for the sake of more sex. There has to be something else that motivates you. Guys with lots of options can and do certainly pursue random sex or one night stands from time to time. But they don’t see it as a “big deal” the way a newbie or inexperienced guy typically does. To them, the “big deal” is when they are able to fall in love, or have an amazing night with a girl, above and beyond the physical act of sex itself. Seduction takes on a different meaning to them, a more sophisticated meaning apart from getting laid alone. This is when seduction becomes the most fulfilling and satisfying.
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22. Simplicity in seduction Seduction can be thought of as a cyclical process where you alternate between comfort and excitement as time goes on, like a pendulum swinging back and forth. Things get progressively deeper and more intense over time. The comfort becomes deeper and broader, and excitement becomes more intense and palpable.
An example of a cyclical process of physical escalation:
More Excitement Move in close
Light touch on arm
Move back More Comfort
Hug
Pull away
Hold around waist, kiss on cheek
Move back, touch hand
Lean in and kiss
Pull back, legs touching
End kiss and pull back, arm around her
Time
Simplifying the process into its two main components gives you some flexibility. If you approach a girl and she is already very warmed up and attracted to you, then you can skip or abbreviate some things that you would otherwise do (like basic social comfort), and start out further along in the process. With a more rigid, complicated series of steps, you might assume that you need to start at a tamer and less sexual level than what she is ready for, or what she is looking for at that moment. In the daytime, assume when you approach a girl that you will open at a light level of excitement and comfort, and progressively build from there. In the nighttime, especially if it’s a crazy party atmosphere, you can assume things are more sexual from the start and open with a higher dose of excitement/ aggressiveness to match the situation. Each girl is unique and different. A rigid series of steps treats them all the same and applies a cookiecutter approach to every girl. But this simpler model allows you to use common sense and situational awareness to tailor your approach to different contexts and different girls with different personalities. You can keep alternating between comfort and excitement more or less indefinitely, adjusting the intensity level, until you know for sure that she is not into you, or until you feel like moving on. Some girls simply take longer to warm up to a guy than others. Some girls will be highly attracted to you at the 104
outset (“yes” girls), and others will take more effort (“maybe” girls)22. It’s better to have an open mind about the process and be able to adjust your approach instead of boxing yourself into an arbitrary system that limits your options. PUA tactics that are excitement-focused and comfort-focused Since different PUAs have different personalities, different specialties and have had different journeys, their theories and recommended methods will emphasize different aspects of the process. Some emphasize excitement-related stuff, and others emphasize comfort-related stuff. For instance, one pickup company may focus on a high-energy, high-octane, “fun” and crazy method. They would take students out to bars and clubs where they would do crazy random things, push themselves to say bold and risky things to women, and place a huge focus on physical escalation towards make outs and same night lays. Another pickup company may focus on the subtleties of conversation and generating solid connection with women. Instead of doing crazy stuff and exciting, stimulating energy with women, they would encourage students to pay attention to the content of their conversations and the kinds of things they are learning about the girls. Both approaches have their merits. Results will be had by both. But we must understand there is no “one” right answer. There is only the right approach, or the right method, for a given guy at a given time, with a given style and goals.
22
See the Appendix for more information on “yes”, “maybe” and “no” girls
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23. Becoming a seducer: conclusions In the long run, your outer game will be determined by your inner game. The body and mind are linked. Unless you are a professional liar (a con artist, or a spy) you cannot sustain a situation where your mind wants one thing and your body acts differently. Eventually, one will give and your mind will catch up with the reality of what your body is doing, or your body’s actions will conform to your internal beliefs and desires. Environment and context Seduction does not happen in a vacuum. There is a context to everything. Be aware of the situation you are in when you meet a girl and when you take a girl out. At the macro level, be aware of the general social and cultural context you are working in. How do your physical qualities affect your attractiveness and the way women perceive you in this city, or this country? What kinds of standards and norms exist around dating and sex? What are the expectations around clothing and style? All of these things will affect what is exciting and what is comforting to the women you are interacting with. And they will affect your results. Be aware of them and use them to your advantage. Excitement and comfort All seduction fundamentally comes down to the feelings of excitement/ stimulation/ arousal and comfort/ trust/ connection. Striking the right balance between these two, without too much of one at the expense of the other will give you the most consistent results. Being proficient in generating excitement and comfort through verbal and nonverbal communication will give you the most options and the most flexibility. Words and actions Your verbal and nonverbal communication should express genuineness, openness and honesty. You should come across as confident in yourself, relaxed and willing to go after what you want without neediness or desperation. Improve your body movements, eye contact, voice tone, clothing and grooming as much as possible. Don’t be afraid to touch women and lead physical escalation in an intelligent, calibrated way. For conversation, emphasize quality over quantity and seek to be honest, genuine and emotionally open in your communication with women. Situational logistics Managing and leading the situation, maintaining a sexual vibe, and moving things forward towards your desired goal or goals, is your prerogative. Things will not happen unless you take the initiative and make them happen. You should be aware and conscious of what is happening in the situation around you and what you can and can’t do. On dates and meet ups with girls, take the lead and have a plan in mind for increasing the privacy along with the emotional and physical connection.
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Confidence and sexuality It’s a cliché that women love confidence in men. Confidence and the general qualities associated with it (like the ability to go after what you want, a willingness to take responsibility, being honest and straightforward with women), all relate back to that fundamental inner strength that women crave in a man. An effective seducer has a fully developed and powerful sexuality. He is comfortable with his sexual desires and accepts them as part of his overall life. He is able to embrace the moment with a woman, whether chatting with her casually in a coffee shop, or making out with her heavily in the privacy of his bedroom. He is able to be fully engaged with her and pay attention to her, enabling him to connect with her on an emotional and physical level. This awareness and presence also enables him to escalate and calibrate with her effortlessly, pushing the seduction forward and leading her in that direction. The seducer’s comfort with his own sexuality is the basis for him to express and communicate his desires in an exciting and comforting way, bringing out his masculine energy, and stimulating the woman’s feminine energy in response. His experience and his inner attitude toward the process of seduction, and toward women in general, means that he has a healthy and balanced way of looking at things. He will not get emotionally upset by minor setbacks or bumps in the road. He reserves significant emotions for significant events. Risk taking Finally, his strength in himself and clear sense of sexual identity allows him to take risks with women, the biggest of which is to simply be honest and open about who he is and what he wants. He is not emotionally affected by minor rejections or token resistance. His emotional stability and maturity, his clear sense of self, his overall cool and enjoyable life, and his logical knowledge that there will always be plenty of opportunities with women, make an unbreakable abundance mentality that any woman will be able to feel when she interacts with him. This means that he engages with women not from a place of scarcity or need, but from a place of abundance and desire. He does not seek to take value, but to give value. The principles of seduction—taking action, unleashing your desires, acceptance of yourself, leading, honesty, openness, genuineness and others—actually apply across life. It is no coincidence that the men who succeed in the dating and sexual arena are typically the same men who are succeeding in their career and social relationships as well.
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Appendix: Terminology Calibration: Adjusting your behavior for the woman’s reactions or boundaries, and the surrounding situation Cold approach: Approaching a woman in a situation where there is no social connection or the two of you are strangers Comfort: The set of feelings and experiences in seduction that make a woman feel more comfortable, familiar, relaxed, trusting and emotionally connected with a man Day game: Approaching and attracting women in the daytime (in coffee shops, parks, the beach, the street, clothing stores, etc); the main difference between day game and night game is that day game lacks alcohol, the highly social dynamic and often fun/ party atmosphere that usually characterizes night game Direct opener/ approach: Approaching a woman and starting a conversation by making a clear physical compliment of her or reference to her physical attractiveness Escalation: Moving the dynamic with a woman forward toward sex Excitement: The set of feelings and experiences in seduction that make a woman feel stimulated, aroused, challenged, passionate and emotionally animated with a man Extraversion: The personality trait in which a person is energized by being in social situations and drained by being alone Honesty: Openness and straightforwardness in your emotions and intentions with women Indirect opener/ approach: Approaching a woman and starting a conversation by saying something that does not directly show your physical attraction to her Instant date: Taking a girl on a date or hanging out with her right upon meeting her, usually after a good ten minutes or so of conversation Introversion: The personality trait in which a person is energized by being alone and drained by being in social situations Isolation: Getting a woman alone into a one-on-one situation with you, “isolated” away from her friends or the larger group Las Vegas effect: The effect of being on vacation or in a similar unusual temporary life situation where a woman is more willing to take risks and do things that she would not normally do socially and sexually
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Logistics: The details and characteristics of a situation that present obstacles or opportunities to furthering the seduction Macro context: The large-scale culture, society, dominant beliefs and standards in a given place that affect how a given man and woman interact and relate to each other Micro context: The small-scale characteristics of a situation or venue that influence how a given man and woman interact with each other “Maybe” girl: A girl who is somewhat interested in you on the approach, but not super attracted; she will require more effort and engagement in the seduction process than a “yes” girl Night game: Approaching and attracting women in the nighttime, especially in nightlife venues like bars and nightclubs or other settings where there is alcohol and a general atmosphere of fun and partying “No” girl: A girl who is not attracted to you or not interested at all, no matter what you do; there is basically no chance that you can seduce her Opener: The first thing you say to a girl when you approach her Outcome independence: Emotional detachment from the outcome of a conversation or interaction with a given individual girl PUAs (Pickup Artists): The community of guys who take a disciplined approach to studying and practicing meeting, attracting and seducing women, often using scripted routines and methods Sexy stereotype: A universally recognizable male archetype that represents a specific personality, identity and lifestyle Vulnerability: Openness to criticism or judgment from others, requiring a strong character and inner confidence Warm approach: Approaching a woman in a situation where there is a preexisting social connection or commonality between the two of you “Yes” girl: A girl who is highly attracted to you right from the approach, allowing you to start at a more advanced stage in the seduction process
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