Inner Game for Women
Inner Game for Women...
All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com
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All Rights Reserved Copyright © 2007 MeetYourSweet.com
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Welcome to MeetYourSweet.com. I’m Amy Waterman, and I’m here with Scot McKay founder of X & Y Communications to discuss “How to Achieve Mastery of Your Inner Game.” We’re going to be taking questions from our female readers to find out all the answers to what women really want to know about how to be more confident with the opposite sex. Before we begin, let me tell you a little bit about Scot. Scot and his wife Emily formed the team behind X & Y Communications. They’re the hosts of top ranked podcasts X & Y On the Fly and Online Dating Profile Rating. They’ve created a range of absolutely superb programs designed to help you become the best you can be in your love life, whether you’re a single parent or previously divorced or you just are really looking for a truly great man. That’s what sets Scot and Emily apart. They’re not interested in teaching you how to play games or manipulate men. Instead, they want to teach you to be the best possible person to get the best partner possible … and never settle for anything less. Scot, it’s so great to have you here. Welcome to the show.
Thank you very much, Amy. I don’t think I could have written that introduction any better myself.
We really respect your work a lot because, for us here at MeetYourSweet. com, we really like to encourage men and women alike to be authentic and to be a better version of themselves rather than just using techniques.
Yes, absolutely. We’re completely of the same frame of mind when it comes to that.
You coach men and women both on how to become better relationships. An important part of that is self-confidence or what’s also known as “inner game.” Could you introduce us a little bit to that concept of inner game? Because I don’t think everyone’s familiar with it. Tell us why it’s so important in attracting the opposite sex.
The concept of “inner game” has to be relevant to something, and that is related to “outer game.” That’s basically the alter ego of inner game. All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com
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“Outer game” would be basically the outward approach of having “game,” or having some skill with working with the opposite sex. To be honest, you hear mostly guys talking about having game with women rather than women having game with guys. A woman, if she has good outer game, would be much like a guy: he looks good, he presents himself well, he is able to come up with pithy conversation and witty repartee on demands. A guy may know some stupid human tricks that he can pull out to impress the ladies with. Inner game, as you’ve already stated, Amy, is just the crucial cornerstone of all of this. That means, “What am I like inside? What do I think of myself? Do I honestly believe that I am going to be attractive to the opposite sex? Do I feel internally ready to have relationship? Can I be one half of a great relationship?” As we say around here, “Do I actually deserve what it is I want in a partner?” All of those things weave together to produce this concept which is called collectively “inner game.” Amy:
We’re talking about a person’s thoughts, their belief systems, their selfesteem, all of that stuff.
That’s really important, because a lot of women seem to be their own worst enemies when it comes to men. We think ourselves into failure. We go out on a date, and we worry the whole time whether he’s going to like us. As a result, we actually affect his behavior. It’s not that we’re not attractive enough. It’s not that we don’t have good conversational skills. It’s what we’re actually thinking inside our heads.
Scot, hopefully you can help some of these readers we’ve got today through their inner game issues. We’ve got a list of about 20 questions from readers that we’ve asked about what their biggest issues are with confidence with men. Our first reader question is:
“Does a seemingly confident woman make a man feel threatened?” Scot:
You mentioned something interesting. The reason why I was chuckling All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com
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while you were reading the description of a woman insecure on a date is because I think we, as guys, tend to have a read on a situation where all women are coming into dates completely self-assured, just sitting there ready to judge whether the guy has confidence or not.
In truth, that’s really not a guy thing or a gal thing. It’s a human thing. I think all of us go onto a first date with some butterflies. Obviously, we want the other person to like us. We want to like that other person also, don’t we? All of that is something that we need to have some emotional control over when we actually sit down in front of someone. Not even just for a first date, but even if it’s a whole life together. A guy who is insecure in himself may see a woman who is overconfident as some kind of a threat, because he just doesn’t know how to handle that situation. He doesn’t know how to feel like he can live up to her. Then he gets the situation going which I call (nonaffectionately) “getting beat by a girl,” which is every guy’s worst nightmare … for better or worse! It becomes an ego issue for the guy. The guy is threatened by the woman, and he probably hits the eject button.
I don’t think any woman should ever use that as an excuse for not working on her own confidence. I think a woman who is self-confident is amazingly sexy and incredibly attractive to every great guy out there who has his own inner game worked out. I think that’s where the rubber meets the road. Do you want a mediocre guy? Do you want less of a guy that you deserve as a confident woman? Absolutely not …I should hope not! On behalf of all guys everywhere who are sharp and want to deserve a great woman, we want you as a great woman to be confident, so shine ladies, shine! Be that confident woman!
That is such great advice, Scot, because I definitely know from my experience and the experience of many people around me that if a guy is threatened by your self-confidence it’s because he’s insecure. Really, he’s not a good match for you, whereas the really great guys who are extremely self-confident don’t want to be around a shy, needy woman. They want another self-confident woman. The more self-confidence you have, the more you’ll actually weed out guys who
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are beneath you, and that’s pretty important for women. Scot:
Absolutely. If it’s a guy who thinks he can control you because he’s looking for someone with a lack of confidence or lack of inner game, as a woman that’s a huge red flag. That’s a manipulator waiting to happen. There’s an important point I would love to not gloss over here, because I think it’s going to be so important to the ladies. Sometimes, women who aren’t just sharp in the area of self-confidence but sharp in any area – they may have a huge income, they maybe really successful on the job, they may be very super-intelligent – a lot of times these women feel like, “Wow, I’m going to be incredibly intimidating to a certain man.” Sometime women can try to dumb themselves down or understate their accomplishments. No woman should ever do that. Don’t ever settle for less than you deserve, ladies! You keep searching for that guy. You keep putting out the right signals to attract that guy, and that guy will take notice of you when he comes along, and it’ll be worth it.
I keep thinking here about Jessica Simpson and about how she plays the dumb blonde, but yet she has such a high IQ she could be in Mensa. It’s just a really good example of how women believe a certain identity is attractive to men, and so they play the “dumb blonde.” They play the woman who needs to be guided and who needs to be taught. What happens is, they attract a lower quality of men! They may attract more, but, to be perfectly honest, there are a lot more low quality or mediocre men out there than there are high quality men. So if you want to play dumb and attract more men, go for it, girl! But you’ll probably attract lower quality men. It’s just really a person’s personal choice.
Ultimately, that leads to settling. We don’t like settling here at X & Y Communications.
This leads us on to our next reader question which is:
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“Don’t men generally get attracted to the damsel in distress types instead of the woman who knows what she wants and knows what to do?” Scot:
Let’s talk about that situationally compared to habitually. I would characterize the whole “damsel in distress” or “I need to rescue this person” as more of a female phenomenon, in terms of how she would think about a potential boyfriend, e.g., “I’m going to change this guy. I know he’s a little rough around the edges but when I’m done with him – once I’ve put my feminizing touch on him – he’s going to be a completely different guy, and he’s going to be terrific.”
That’s a thought process that, at least historically, women go through more than men. I don’t think men see women all that often as rescue projects, at least for long-term potential. Now, if a woman’s car breaks down on the side of the road and she’s out of gas or something like that, guys typically just rush to be the first in line to be her hero. That’s a situational thing where a guy can feel pretty good about being a great man and fulfilling that protector role, at least for the moment, with a woman who isn’t a basketcase when it comes to taking care of things for herself per se but just needs a little help right here in the moment. I think that’s a completely different situation, not to be confused.
That’s a really good point, because the problem with the question is saying that one “type” of person is a “damsel in distress” and the other “type” of woman is completely independent. The problem that I see is women who say, “I know what I want, I know what to do, I don’t need your help, I don’t need a man.” What they’re doing, then, is they’ve never allowing a man to feel like he has any role in their life, and so they’re actually pushing men away. On the other hand, if these very strong, normally confident women say, “Hey, you know what? I can do those things, but there’s this little thing I might ask him to help me with,” that’s attractive. There are simple things we tell women to do. For example, if you’re in a grocery store, ask a man, “Hey, would you mind reaching that can at the top shelf?” Now, the woman could do it. She could go call a clerk and go get on the ladder, but he’s standing there; ask him for help! All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com
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In that way, you can be that confident woman who knows her mind, but you can also give men a place in your life. Scot:
Absolutely. I think a lot of times people go, “I don’t need a woman,” or, “I don’t need a man.” That’s coming from a wrong-headed belief that somehow a relationship is built on correcting some weakness, or for things that I can’t do for myself. When people build a healthy relationship, they’re creating an entity that’s greater than the sum of the parts of just one man and one woman. Together they’re creating a team. They can do bigger and greater things than they could have done separately. That takes the whole “need” thing – you know, “I want someone to complete me for all the wrong reasons” – and just turns it inside out. I think that “inside out” representation is the correct one.
That’s fantastic. The next question is really important to ask you, Scot, if you could speak for the male gender here. This reader wants to know,
“What does confidence in a woman mean for men?” In other words, she wants you to describe a confident woman from your masculine point of view. Scot:
I think, if a guy is looking for a great woman, one of the things he’s looking for is a solid self-esteem. Does this woman like herself? Does she believe that her actions have a place in this world? Does she believe that she has earned her place in this world? Does she feel like she is valuable? If she does not value herself, it’s hard for anybody else to value her. If a guy shows up and sits across a table from her on her first date – and he’s a self-confident man – he wants to know that that woman feels worthy.
A lot of times, a woman will go, “I’m sorry,” all the time. She’ll start apologizing for everything. Sometimes on a first date I would go, “Will you just please stop apologizing? You didn’t do anything wrong.” Of
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course her answer is, “I’m sorry”! Ladies, we want you to really feel great about yourself! You can even be a little bit too self-confident sometimes, and that will be better for us than being non-confident. It makes you more attractive. You carry yourself more confidently. That’s comes off as sexy to us. We want to have fantasies of a woman not being a shrinking violet, not being someone who is scared, but someone who is equally bold as we are in building a relationship and exploring all that life has to offer.
If you’re someone who is just scared of everything, most great men are going to get bored of that, and they’re going to get sick of trying to bring out some confidence in you. I can speak first hand: it isn’t really dependent on beautiful the woman is. We can sit across the table, and a woman just becomes less and less attractive to us, because she just doesn’t like herself. She gives us nothing to like, because she’s not offering that.
Another place you see it is when woman ask men to tell them if they look attractive. “Does my butt look big in this?” That’s the biggest nono! “Oh, I hate my hair. I hate this outfit. Don’t I look ugly?” The other thing is when a woman doesn’t have any confidence in her looks and won’t accept compliments, but instead says, “You don’t know. You couldn’t possibly be complimenting me.”
Just please say, “Thank you”!
That’s a real self-esteem issue: the ability to accept compliments.
A lot of times I think – as genders, man and woman, male and female – as men we think that these things we’re talking about are a “man problem.” Women may think, “This is something all women struggle with.” But everything we just talked about … ladies and guys alike struggle with the exact same things. It’s really a human condition. There are really more similarities as humans than there are differences between genders, and this is just one great example.
We’ve got another question here, which is really an important one from a woman in terms of inner game, and this says,
“How do we quit analyzing every word men say and quit second guessing All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com
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As a woman, I can tell you right now that we think so much about guys. We have to wonder why he said what he said, what the tone meant, whether he’s going to see us again, what’s going to happen eventually. So how do we stop our minds from rolling out this endless tape of questions and worries?
Once again, that’s a human condition, not a female thing. As a matter of a fact, I got an email right before I talked to you, Amy, where the guy had a situation on a date last night, and he’s giving me all the “what if” bullets. “Can you help me analyze all these things? If she doesn’t call me back by six o‘clock tonight if I text-messaged her at three o‘clock this afternoon, what does that mean?”
The first thing any man or woman can do is stop needing a person they’re merely dating so much. Have some options. Realize that if someone is foolish enough not to be interested in you, it is not a knock on you. It is just either a compatibility issue, or it’s not something you can get in their head and change.
If you are a person who deserves what you want – man or a woman – then you shouldn’t have to sit around and second-guess whether this person is going to remain attracted to you. If this person’s going to be doing the right thing, if the person lacks character and consistently isn’t doing what he or she says they’re going to do, then you’ve got someone you don’t want to be involved with long-term anyway.
The whole second-guessing thing … I think jealousy rules into this. If we’re trying to rein someone in, if we’re wondering where they are and what they’re doing all the time, it says that we don’t believe we’re worthy of them being faithful to us. That’s unattractive. Things like jealously, like second guessing, like not having confidence in someone … that all tends to backfire.
Now, if we’re a person who deserves what we want … every person deserves a partner who inspires confidence. I don’t toy with anybody. If I’m leaving, I’m going to let her know where I am. If I’m going to come home later than I should, I’m going to give her a call, because that’s common respect. She doesn’t own me. I don’t have a nose ring. I’m not being led around. That’s common respect, and couples should All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com
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afford that to each other. It shouldn’t be a power struggle to figure out how insecure I can make the other person feel. That itself comes from a position of insecurity. All these things roll in together. People who are secure and believe in their own ability to attract are not the people who are second-guessing whether that person’s attracted or doing what he or she’s going to say she’s going to do. Amy:
One of the tricks that I use, if my mind is going on and on, is just to repeat to myself, “Whatever happens is what happens.” It makes me realize that if a guy isn’t doing what he’s supposed to do and if he’s not actually that into me, then why in the world should I bother doing all of this work and trying to read his mind so I can know how to “capture” him, when, really, I’d actually prefer a guy who’s into me? What happens … happens! Just disassociates yourself from the results. That’s the other thing I talk quite a bit about. We always want to be in a situation where we can control the outcome, where we can say, “If I do this, he’s going to fall in love with me. If I do this, he’s going to ask me out. If I do this, he’s going to propose.” We need to start being more selfish and do what we want to do because we want to do it. Who cares what he says? Who cares what he does? I’m going to ask him out on a date, or I’m going to call him up, because, you know, I just want to!
If it’s from a position of neediness, both genders can smell desperation equally well. When guys allow themselves to, they have darn good perception abilities and intuition. If you are just a woman who has lots of options, lots of guys are interested in you, and you’re finding that you’re particularly interested in a particular guy out of many options, and you pick up the phone to call that guy, then it’s going to work for you. That guy is going to be able to figure out that you’re a woman with confidence, and he’s going to feel honored by that. Case in point: Emily was getting an untold number of emails every day on Match.com. She was not able to go out with most of those guys. I knew she was a woman with options. When I went out with All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com
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her, I knew there was something special happening there. I deserved a great woman, at least preliminary, already. When she called me ten minutes after the date was over to thank me for a great morning, I didn’t see that as desperate clinginess. I was like, “Wow, she really did have a great time, and that’s her way of telling me!” A lot of the ladies watch Sex and the City. Kim Cattrell’s husband walked up to her in New York in a restaurant and said, “Aren’t you Kim Cattrell?” She goes, “Well, yeah.” He says, “Are you single?” She said, “Well, actually, yes.” He goes, “Let’s go have dinner.” They spent the entire night together – platonically, apparently – just out on the town in New York City, stayed out till like five in the morning. He called her at seven in the morning and said, “What are you doing for breakfast?” They went to breakfast, and they went to lunch, and they weren’t separated at all after that. Most of the guys in the “seduction community” would say, “You did everything all wrong.” Well, he’s also married to a Sex in the City chick, a famous actress who probably has a lot of options, but, because there was an authenticity there in his interest, it mattered. I think that is equally true for women also. Hey, ladies, guys love it when you’re interested in us. Don’t throw yourself at us. Don’t throw yourself at us sexually. Don’t throw yourself at us emotionally, but you can express interest in us, and you can be confident about it, and we really do appreciate it. Amy:
That’s fantastic advice. Now, this next reader question is one that a lot of men get into as well. That is:
“Why or how do men decide that you’re going to be a great buddy that they can confide in about their lives rather than the women they date or are married to? I’m interested in having more, but more often than not end up being the platonic friend.” It’s the “Friends Zone,” except for women. How do women be the sort of woman that a man wants to date and not just confide in? Scot:
It’s really funny. Most of the time, women do most of the breaking up and the most of the “just-be-friends” thing. Most of the time, you talk about putting a man in the Friends Zone. You’re talking about a guy who is among the very narrow group of guys All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com
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who has total control over his dating life and actually has morphed himself into being a chooser instead of chaser. We talk about that in the book How to Manage Your Wildly Successful Dating Life, which is for men and women. Again, this is something that everyone should have going on in their life. You should have control. When you’re hearing, “Let’s just be friends,” from a man, I can probably point to a whole list of points. First and foremost, you have probably ceased to attract him physically. Emily had a woman she was coaching who would really gussy herself up and wear beautiful clothes and put on really nice light perfume, get her hair done, get a manicure when she first met a guy. Later she would literally not even brush her teeth, go a while without taking a shower, and get very, very frumpy. Generally speaking, men aren’t really into couture and expecting that you have a certain dress on or anything, but we sure can take notice when you’re just not taking care of yourself anymore. Again, this is not a gender specific thing, but when you’re not physically attractive to the man any more – when you once were – you get into the “Just Be Friends” zone. Another thing is tightening the screws on the relationship or dropping the L bomb (the Love bomb) too quickly. Pressuring a man for commitment very early in the relationship will put a woman in the “Just Be Friends” zone.
Especially, ready for this? This is a major take away alert, ladies, especially if you give up sex really early in a relationship. He will probably try to back you off while still enjoying the benefits, and that’s where the Friends Zone comes in. He might want a friend with benefits rather than having a girlfriend. You got to be really careful about that. If he says, “I just want to be platonic,” you have not succeeded in attracting him for whatever reason. Sometimes the confidence can do it, if she lacks confidence. Sometimes she comes up with character issues or creeps him out in a certain way. That can do it, although generally the character issue and the creepy issues for most guys will result in, “I’m cutting you out of my life.” That’s what any good person of either gender will do when those issues come up.
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Again, if she is satisfying him sexually, he may try to keep the friendswith-benefit thing going, so there are lots of angles, and women need to be aware of all of them.
Scot, one of the questions I had with that is: many men say that they can’t get those really in-depth emotional conversations with their male friends, because guys just don’t talk to each other like that. If they’ve got a personal issue, they need to go to a woman. Often, I think a lot of these women say, “My guy friends always come to me with their personal issues, but they’re off dating different sorts of women that they don’t talk about personal issues with.” Is there any element here of just being someone’s therapist and how being someone’s therapist doesn’t make you actually sexy to him?
She could be someone with a great personality who is not attractive in any other way. She’s either not feminine enough, or she may have a kind of neuter demeanor about her. Femininity ignites masculinity, just as masculinity ignites femininity. Any two neuter people are not going to attract each other sexually. Think about it. It makes perfect sense. It takes a man to attract a woman, and vice versa. The more gender-neutral we all become, where men have to soften up and women have to toughen up, we’re creating situations where we’re just not going to be as attractive to each other, although we may be super to be friends or super to get advice from.
If a woman is trying to be one of the guys and yet she has a bubbly fun personality, she is going to be everybody’s sister, everybody’s therapist. If she wants to be the hottie that everybody wants to build a romantic relationship with, then she’s got to let her feminine side come out. She’s got to understand that a man needs to be ignited from within. It’s not a choice. A guy can’t choose to be attracted any more than a woman can choose to be attracted to the guy. A lot of the time you’ll hear a woman say, “You know, I should love this guy. This guy’s everything I’ve ever wanted, but I’m just not feeling it.” She can’t even put her finger on why. It’s failure to attract at that visceral gut level that equals having her femininity ignited by a man, and that goes equally true by the other side.
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That’s exactly right, because what you often see is that women have learned to relate to men as professional colleagues. Especially if we’re working in business, we’re always interacting with men on a completely asexual level, because otherwise you get into sexual harassment issues. Unfortunately, when it goes to our personal lives, sometimes our professional demeanor can bleed over. We can end up talking to men in our personal lives like we would to a work colleague or a client, with no sort of sexual chemistry there whatsoever.
That’s not attractive at all to men. I know a lot of very, very, pretty women who are stylish and captains of business who have a horrible time attracting men. They say, “Well, do I make too much money? Am I too smart?” At the end of the day, they’re not really turning guys on. You can be beautiful without being sexy. I don’t think a lot of women really understand that. We talk about beautiful, cute, and sexy and the difference between the three. Cuteness is not a bad thing for the ladies, by the way. Cuteness is simply igniting warm, fuzzy feelings of wanting to hug something and be close to it and give it love. A painting can be beautiful. It’s easy on the eyes is all it is. Sexy is a guy stopping in his tracks and going, “Wait a minute. That’s a woman. That caught my attention.” A lot of times women will see another woman whom guys are kind of fawning over and go, “She’s so ugly. What are guys seeing in her?” Well, she’s incredibly sexy, but it takes a guy to figure that out. That’s almost always the case.
It really helps to have that male perspective. Now, here’s a question that speaks for lots of women, and this says,
“I’m always doubting myself waiting for him to say, ‘No, you’re right. You’re not good enough.’ Then, I express it out loud, all my insecurities, and I need to know what to do or say the next time I want to do that.”
Scot, as you know, so many women blow it for themselves. They go out on a date, and the minute they see that the guy might be attracted to them, they think, “Oh no, maybe he doesn’t know the real me.” Then, what do they do? They spill out the story of their abusive childhood, or the fact that they’ve never been able to get a date with a man they All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com
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really wanted, or all the ways in which they feel bad about themselves. Then they say, “Right! Now you’ve seen the real me. How do you feel about it?” Scot:
Yes, they throw out all the negatives. I actually had a woman do that on a date. She said, “Okay, I’m going to give you everything in order, and you just tell me when you’ve heard enough and you want to leave.” That’s how she opened the date. Granted, there was some stuff in there that was hard to hear, but if we could all go around look inside each other’s hearts and minds, we would realize we’re probably not as bad off as most people out there. We know ourselves intimately in terms of what our insecurities are. We’re very familiar with what’s in our hearts and all our thoughts that we don’t want anybody else to know. But people don’t go around with cartoon bubbles over their heads with all their thoughts in there. You can’t punch up on your computer or your Wi-Fi and get a wireless read on somebody’s heart and their mind and their intentions and their character. You just see the outward appearance, and you perceive that person how you’re going to perceive that person. You say, “Wow, that person has it all together,” but if you got inside that person’s heart, there’s no telling what darkness you could find.
But, see, because we live and move and have our being as seen right through our own eyes, we’re very familiar with all our own perceived inadequacies. We’ve got to start perceiving ourselves as others see us. That means listening to people when they tell you things. What consistent things are you hearing from people who don’t maybe even know each other? If people come out and say, “Wow you’re super attractive. I just love this part of your personality,” and you’re hearing that from people who don’t even know each other, then you’re hearing the truth. If someone says, “Hey, you know what? You really, really have this something that’s getting on my nerves….” They may say it in a very nice indirect way, or maybe people start walking away from you when you start doing a certain thing. That’s when you need to say, “Hey, look, people are perceiving me in this way. I need to change it.” That’s all okay. We just need to be in tune with how people are perceiving us.
Now, a lot of times people say, “I don’t care what other people think of me.” Well, if you want to be social and you want to be attractive, you need to be at least in tuned to how you’re being perceived socially if you want to succeed socially. That’s different than pinning your entire All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com
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self-esteem on someone else’s whim, which is what I think people are referring to when they say, “I don’t care what people think about me.”
All of those things roll together, and that is what’s going to help you get over this whole issue of saying, “Wow, if that person only knew who I really was, he’d run the other way.” I once heard a preacher say, “If you knew what was in my heart, you wouldn’t want to hear me preach. But don’t be arrogant about it, because if I knew what was in yours, I wouldn’t be talking to you.” Right? That’s kind of the same thing we’re talking about. It’s so hard to get outside of your own self and see it that way.
The other thing that comes to mind is when we edit our self on behalf of someone else. I was on the phone with a guy recently, and he could remember ten years ago when he was in an elevator with a woman. She may have been interested in him, but he just couldn’t get the guts to talk to her. It still haunts him. Whereas I said to him, “Hey, when was the last you were really rejected?” and he goes, “You know, I don’t know. I can’t remember that.” It’s because when you’re actually rejected you can say, “Well, at last it’s over, and I know how she felt.” But if you reject yourself, if you are overly protective of yourself the way some mothers are overly protective of their own children, then you have to live with that. You have to say, “I don’t even believe in my own self. I reject my own self over and over again. I don’t even give other people a shot at it.” When we start looking at it at that way, it can change our lives. Are we rejecting ourselves on other people’s behalf? If so, give those other people a chance to make their own decisions. It’s only fair, right?
Great point, Scot. The other thing as well is that so many of us don’t believe that a man can love an imperfect woman. You’ve got a fantastic concept of being “perfectly imperfect.” Scot, tell me, is it true? Do you have to be perfect for a man to love you?
There is no such thing as a “perfect” person. My dad worked in New York City for years with the men’s tailored clothing industry. He was the advertising guy, which means that his job was to take these male models and dress them up in really nice men’s suits. They would All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com
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bring in top women models to be in the picture with the guy, as a guy in a great suit has to be able to get the girl, right? My father said that he’d never seen more insecure women in his entire life: displeased with their own appearance, felt like they were under the microscope all the time, lots of issues, lots of addictions, lots of personality flaws. These are the woman that the media would have us think are perfect. He saw this first-hand. One of the saddest things I see is when someone becomes better at attracting members of the opposite sex. They start feeling like they have to live up to what their friends are going to want from them. They have to keep up an image that their friends are going to see as popularity or date someone that looks good to them, “them” being their friends. On the other side of the coin, a woman may have this checklist based on – not real experience of dating men – but on just of a kind of fairytale image, e.g. “I want a tall dark, handsome guy who has $1 million.” Emily and I were at a bar the other night talking to a woman who had been on MillionairesDatingService.com, and she said that after five or six of these millionaires starting writing her, she decided she wanted a guy with a normal job. Amy:
She had to get there to see what she was dealing with, right? That’s not to say that guys who are financially successful can’t be terrific guys, but she had to take real experience and look through that lens. She decided, “Wait a minute. All these things that the fairytale stories tell me I want out of a guy it isn’t necessarily what I want.” Me, I am married to a woman who is exactly who I want. She’s five foot one and a half, has short wispy dark hair, and falls on the cute side of glamorous. A lot of women go around saying, “Oh, I wish I was taller. I wish I was blonder.” Emily is exactly what I want. I don’t want a tall blond Barbie doll. To me, she’s perfectly imperfect.
A lot of guys say, “I want a woman with this kind of personality. I want a woman who can argue back at me and can put her foot down.” Emily’s a sweetheart. I used to think I wanted a woman who was a All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com
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little contentious until I started dating contentious women. I decided from that experience that that was the kind of woman I didn’t want.
Now, I’m far from perfect also. I’m not a particularly tall man. I’m not a particularly good-looking man, and I have my own personality quirks. We’re all different, but when who we’re attracted to intersects with the kind of personality that meshes so well with us, and the character of the person you actually deserve matches what your expectations are in what you deserve, something magical happens.
Here’s what I like to say. A lot of times I get an email that reads like this: “Scot McKay, how dare you tell me I can deserve what I want? I’m the world’s most average person, and you’re setting these false expectations that I’m going to get….” insert checklist here. Right? The most amazing indescribable thing happens when you actually do the heavy lifting to become the very greatest person you can possibly be. As you approach deserving the kind of mate you want, you find you want the person you’re deserving. The person that you actually do deserve when you are at the top of your own game is the person that’s perfectly imperfect for you in every way. What is really going to cause you to be able to live in an environment of happiness? Ladies, you can’t have a guy make you happy. You’re not worthy of being one half of a great relationship if you expect someone to be responsible for your happiness. That’s the bottom line. Who is going to make you excited to live your life with? What does that person look like? What does that person think like? What does that person feel like in their heart? That’s the person who’s going to be perfectly imperfect for you. And some of the things that you thought needed to approach media-driven perfection … you’re going to find certain flaws and imperfections in a person that you’re just going to love about that person. You wouldn’t have it any different. You wouldn’t have it any other way. I promise it happens like that, and that’s just what makes life great to me.
That’s such a great point. You don’t have to be perfect. I’m going to go to another question now. This is a bit of a long question, but I think this reader has an experience that is very similar to a lot of other people out there. Here’s this reader’s story.
“I’ve been out of the dating relationships game for about a year now. I’m 22 years All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com
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old. I used to think that I ended up with some of the worst men around and that there were no decent men in town. After reading your free e-course I realized I was being overly judgmental about people around me. I’ve managed to stop this notion that all men are bad and that all women are good. I’m also more open to new situations and people lately, as I had become a very skeptical person. “Now I realize that there are men around who I like, but I really have no idea as to how I should approach them in public. I don’t know these men. Usually, I’m a confident person when it comes to making new acquaintances, but when I like a guy I end up feeling utterly self-conscious, and I get ridiculously shy. I end up shying away from many men I like because of this. “I’m intelligent, talented, attractive, vibrant, but still men seldom approach me. When I strike up a conversation with them, they do often warm up to me, but still I’m almost always the one making the first move. My friends think that men are too scared to approach me and that only a very confident and self-assured man would have the guts to approach me.”
Scot, how does this reader overcome her shyness with men and come across as more open to men who seem scared?
First of all her friends are absolutely categorically correct. Let’s just throw that out on the table. I can’t believe the shock I experienced – overwhelming disbelief, slack-jawed – when I figured out that most women think that when a guy doesn’t come and talk to them, it’s because he’s not attracted to her or not interested. Thank god ninetyfive percent of all men have chronic debilitating approach anxiety, or else the most attractive women would literally be mobbed all day long! Ladies, it’s not that ninety-five percent of guys just aren’t liking you. It’s that, really, the sharper you are, the harder it is for a guy to overcome approach anxiety and talk to you. It’s not something I expect women to understand, this whole approach anxiety thing, but think of that in terms of this. Men see everything as a competition. They’re going to win, or they’re going to lose. Guys don’t like to get beat by a girl. That’s the ultimate ego problem. For All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com
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better or worse, that’s the way men are wired. If a guy says, “Okay, there’s a pretty woman over there,” he’s saying to himself, “I’ve already pre-approved her; I’ve already decided I like her.” So he’s going to go over and say, “I like you. Will you like me back?” Whatever fancy line he uses, whatever approach he uses, essentially, if that’s his frame of mind – which it would be for most guys in that situation – she’ll either go, “You win,” or, “You lose.” In other words, “Yes, I like you back,” or, “Ehh! Sorry, loser.” That’s how guys see this. Most guys would rather not bother than risk the rejection. That’s why rejection hurts so much for the guys. Now, we just covered the whole concept of rejecting oneself before even giving the woman a chance, and that, of course, hurts many more guys’ feelings. That’s a reality. Most guys haven’t gone that far. They haven’t evolved that far yet. If you’re an attractive woman and you’re very smart and you want to meet guys, you may or may not feel like you want to be forward enough to grab a guy by his collar and say, “You’re one attractive guy. Come here and let’s make beautiful music together.” As a matter of a fact, most guys think they want that from a woman until it starts happening and they realize, “Wait a minute, I’m getting high-jacked here. That’s my job.” Here’s what I think is the magic. Ready? A woman has to make herself appear friendly and approachable. If you go through life with a scowl on your face, if you go through life looking like you’re going to be sarcastic, if people can’t really read where you are emotionally, if you like you may be mean, if you kind of have a cold expression, if you don’t live with a whole lot of energy, if you have that kind of intimidation, like a “you can see through me” kind of air about you, it’s going to make you more difficult to approach for a man. If you look at the women who have no trouble meeting guys, they’re making themselves easy to get to know … “easy to get to know” in the friendly sense. They look like they’re friendly. They have friendly eyes. They talk to people, and they’re naturally gregarious. If you’re a woman who will be that kind of woman, then you are going to have more guys approaching you. You’re going to increase your own odds. Think about it.
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The other thing I would add is: before I met Emily, I was dating lots of women. Certain women who would have very hard-to-read personalities. I didn’t even know if this woman sitting across the table from me was even attracted to me, whether there would be a second date, or anything! She appeared to be having a decent time; she wasn’t getting up and leaving, but just really hard to read, really poker-faced. Sometimes these women would say, “I’ve gone out with all these guys, and they’re just such weaklings. They all are just constantly saying, ‘Do you like me? Is there going to be a second date? How am I doing?’” Of course, the reason why guys are being extra wussy is they’re getting no signals! They have nothing to go on from these women. I remember one time, at the end of one of these dates, I finally took one of these women and kissed her brains out. Just took the chance. That woman just absolutely melted and exploded into emotion like no woman I’d kissed lately. This epiphany hit me. This woman wanted to be kissed. She wanted a guy to show interest in her, but her personality just did not make it amenable for guys to get the signal, the all-clear that it was okay for that to happen. This woman wanted the guy to take the lead, and when it finally happened, it was such a cathartic moment. I’ve since realized a lot of women are really going through something similar to what this lady who wrote in is talking about. Ladies, it’s all tied to you being more approachable. You don’t have to be forward. You don’t have to look slutty. You don’t even have to act sexually interested. Just act like you’re not going to tear our heads off if we try to talk to you. It’s really as simple as it gets. Amy:
It’s so important, Scot, because the advice that a lot of women get from the conventional dating sources is that they should be “ice princesses” or never let a man see how they feel. You’re saying the complete opposite.
I don’t know if a woman has to come straight out and say, “I am incredibly attracted to you.” I think she just needs to be the kind of person who smiles and is socially gregarious. I know that’s difficult for some people, but a fact of life is that people who are easier to get to know – people who look like they’re going to be friendly – are a lot easier to risk potential rejection from than someone who looks like they may just not be friendly. All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com
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Being an “ice princess” when it comes to being sexually forward is one thing, but I suspect you might have something there, Amy. I think sometimes women may say, “Hey, that’s the way I have to be all around, not just in the sexual area.” I think that’s a mistake.
We’ve got two readers here with a very similar issue, so I’m going to read both of them and see what advice you have, Scot. The first woman say:
“I’m fairly good at attracting a guy in a confident way and he will find me attractive and funny and like to be with me, until I realize just how much I like him and how much it matters suddenly that he like me, too. Then, I’m tongue-tied. I’m shy. I’m like Bambi with a bad case of love sickness.”
Here’s the second woman, very similar situation. She says:
“I’m a self-confident, self-made woman. I’m okay with approaching potential partners and dating until I fall in love. Once I’m falling for someone, I totally turn from confident to geek. I’ve become a clumsy stuttering clown of a woman. There’s just a large change in my normal self in front of my date.”
What can these women do to stop this drastic transforming?
There’s this movie coming out that I can’t wait to see with Jessica Alba in it. I can’t remember the name of it, but the truth of the matter is she’s just sexy, adorable, sweet and cute, and she’s just a horrible klutz. She’s an accident waiting to happen. She basically burns stuff down and injures people and is dangerous to be with.
What’s really funny is even Emily said to me, “I better just tell you straight up: I am a total klutz. If that’s unattractive to you then just…. sometimes I lack grace.” I think she’s dropped two or three things since I’ve known her, and, if she was, it was endearing when it happened, and it gave me a chance to help her, like we talked about the damsel in distress sometimes. I don’t think klutziness is a turnoff for guys. I’m reminded of some particularly bad dating advice I read one time, where people were talking about their bad first dates. Bill from Portland, Oregon, said, “Hey, I remember one time I was on a first date with a woman, and I spilled the creamer all over myself. Obviously, All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com
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there wasn’t a second date.” I remember Emily and I were reading it together, and we looked at each other and said, “Dude, it wasn’t the creamer. We promise.” A lot of times, we’re self-conscious about things that are human. Everybody is going to make a mistake. If you squirt relish on yourself while at the hot dog stand while hanging out with a woman you barely know, just laugh it off. As a matter of fact, on my first date with Emily, she happened to do a certain little faux pas and I said, “Oops, congratulations! I feel so much better now. Now you’re one up on me. I’ve earned one. Now I get to make a mistake and not feel bad about it because you went first.” It just totally lightened up the whole situation. Amy:
That’s so true, isn’t it? It’s this notion that we can laugh at ourselves. If we know that we become – I love this – “Bambi with a bad case of lovesickness,” then laugh at yourself. Know it’s happening. I think once you accept it and stop resisting it, suddenly it doesn’t become an issue anymore.
Also, you have the deeper issue of assigning way too much importance to a situation. Okay, so you’ve fallen in love with someone, you’re “lovesick” – a term that guys never use – and what’s going on here is, all of a sudden, things are mission-critical because there’s so much on the line. The risk of loss has been escalated, because your feelings are so much more invested. That’s the time where you need to lay back and go, “All right. Everything’s been going really well so far. I need to keep what I’m doing. I don’t want to start saying, ‘Where were you? What were you doing? How can I rope this person in? How can I hook this person in?’” Emily gets that email twice a week. “How do I hook this guy into marrying me?” Well, you can’t hook anybody into anything without him settling. Be the attractive woman who attracted him to begin with. Just keep it up. Relax, take a deep breath. It sounds almost Pollyannaish, but it’s a habit to get that way. If you are believing that you’re a woman with many options when it comes to great men out there, you know that while you may have an emotional investment in this particular guy, you need to always remain flexible with that. I know that’s hard, but when women become so emotionally invested, and all of a sudden the guy’s character comes into question, that’s All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com
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when all of a sudden she starts making bad choices about staying with that guy when she should have left. Even when you’re starting to get deep feelings for a guy, you always have to understand that life takes twists and turns. I know I’m a guy telling women this, and I know women are going, “You don’t understand.” Believe me, guys get into the same boat. They just get what is called “oneitis,” e.g., “This is the woman. She is the One.” I had this email just today. “What can I do to get her? What do I do to keep her?” Guys lose women right and left, one after the next, because they change their demeanor. They weaken because their emotional attachment to a woman becomes so strong. You’ve got to remain that person who was attractive to begin with, and you’ll keep attracting the person. Emily and I love each other deeply, but we’re both mature enough to know that if the other person were gone from our life tomorrow, we would continue to exist. I hope that doesn’t sound cold, but we’ve lived a long time without each other. We’re dramatically improved in terms of our life experience by being together and by what we share together. We wouldn’t have it any other way, at least willfully. But if that person was not in our life anymore, we know that we could continue to be responsible for our own happiness. That’s a very important perspective to take. Amy:
Here’s another question that I think we’ve discussed in some way before, but it’s still so important. This is about how friends’ comments affect you. This reader tells us:
“How do we deal with the negativity that can affect your self confidence with men that you get from friends?” Now this reader met the man a few months ago and he seemed to be really interested. She says,
“I was interested but that night I introduced him to a girlfriend of mine and she made this comment, ‘Oh now, he’s too handsome and probably has a million girls. Why do you think he would want you?’” Scot:
At that instant, she lost total confidence in him and herself. She
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found herself self-sabotaging. She says, “I tried so hard to remove that negative idea implanted in my mind, but it didn’t work.” How can she avoid being so affected by her friend’s opinions? Scot:
You got to be very careful who you take dating advice from. Are you taking dating advice from someone who has a miserable record of dating success? If so, that person is jealous. That person has a poverty mentality and would like for you to fail. Does this friend have your best interest at heart? If so, she’s a friend. If not, she’s not a real friend. I would say a major warning sign that you don’t really have to listen to the advice you’re getting is when someone’s planting the seeds of doubt or discontent with no real evidence. If someone is saying, “That person’s so out of your league,” they must just be trying to manipulate you. That’s, “Wow, I wish that guy was with me instead.” Again, that’s just human nature, but it’s the way it goes. Especially in how it works with guys, it’s got a very interesting dynamic. I think this translates to women also. A guy will take a woman out to meet his friends, and a friend will go, “Oh, dude, you’re with her? Come on now. Really, her?” I mean, let’s just all silently laugh at you together, right? So the guy gets real self-conscious and thinks, “Wow, she’s not as attractive as I though she was. She’s not as cool as I though she was. My friend’s are laughing at me.” He breaks up with the woman for these reasons. Next thing you know, the same friend who was laughing at him about her has asked her out on a date. This happens all the time among men who are usually acquaintances, as opposed to really close friends. What I said was the yardstick. Is there really any evidence here? Are you hearing from multiple friends, especially people who don’t know each other very well, that you are making a major life error here? “Wake up, this person is this kind of person.” That’s the kind you need to listen to. When people are planting these seeds of discontent, that’s just jealousy. That’s just garden-variety pettiness.
Keep an eye on your friends, and don’t believe everything they say.
Right. There may be people that are well-meaning, and there may be people who are actually trying to be a good friend to you, but they just have such a poverty mentality that they can’t stand to see you so happy because it kills them. Sometimes you have to make allowances for weakness of character in other people who actually want to be your friend. Not everybody can have it all together all the time, but I think
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what we’re saying here still holds true in most of those situations. Amy:
Now, Scot, we’re running out of time, so I’m going to jump ahead to our last question. I really wanted to address this one because I think you’ll have some great insights. This reader writes:
“I’m a really lucky person in the fact that I’m considered very attractive. I consider that I’m a well-rounded person. I have a fabulous job. I’m educated. My finances are in order. I’m independent. I have a great social life and generally think I have things as good as they can be, yet I am alone. “Now, I’m happy alone. I’m not needy or insecure with men. I get on with them great and have a laugh; however, I still attract men who just want to use me for sex. Very few men ask me out on dates, but lots and lots ask me to go home with them: married men, men with kids, men in relationships. I always turn them away, and I’m careful over who I get involved with. I think I do everything right, and yet I have no support or love in my life, and I keep slipping into this thought of what’s wrong with me. “A good guy comes along occasionally. He seems so into me, and when I feel the time is right and admit I like him, too. I never hear from him again. It feels like they just want what they can’t have and, as soon as they can have it, they’re gone, almost like the challenge is over. It makes me feel inadequate and worthless as a person. It makes me feel as if you dare show a single vulnerability to a man, he’ll run a mile.” Now this reader blames her situation on the fact that she’s been following dating rules. She says:
“I feel sure if I’d never come across all this rubbish, all these dating rules, I’d be married and settled by now.” This is the big clincher. She says:
“If I am so gorgeous, so sexy, so god-damned fantastic, if I follow all the dating rules, why am I still struggling so hard?”
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There are so many things that could be going on here. Unfortunately neither gender will tell members of the opposite sex (MOTOS for short) what it is that detracted from their continued attraction to this person. That’s what I call hidden detractors. There could be something she’s doing that’s just a repeated turn-off that nobody’s ever going to tell her. That’s a possibility. What I think is more likely in this situation is that she has sacrificed her own authenticity in favor of doing something that everybody’s saying should work on guys, e.g., “Here’s what you do, and guys will love you for it. You need to do more of this; you need to do more of that.” Sometimes people who already got tremendous artistry with the opposite sex say, “Hey, I want to go ahead and raise the bar some more.” What they do is buy a paint-by-numbers kit that’s designed for people who have no success with the opposite sex. I get emails like this from guys. “Hey, I had a pretty good woman. I just wanted to get even better, so I bought this book full of tips, tricks and routines, and I lost the woman I had! I’ve regressed.” Well, if you’ve already got some art skills, you don’t want to go back to paint by numbers, right? A lot of times, dating advice is designed to work for people who are having no success to get somewhere. In that case, it’s good, but there’s not often a slide rule that tells you, “Okay, what level is this? How advanced of a person should I be before I go onto the next level of deeper dating advice? Or how to become a better person?” Here’s a general rule of thumb. If you’re talking about that outer game thing, a lot of times people use outer game as a bandaid just to get somewhere, when they’ve not gotten anywhere before. Inner game is more advanced – and, of course, self-actualizing and becoming a great, fully confident person who naturally attracts is the top level. It’s the pinnacle. If you’re going to try to figure out how to do better outer game things when you’re already a person who has a pretty good inner game, I think you’re going to be disappointed with the results you get. They may actually cause you to regress. So, if this woman is trying to shoehorn some rules into getting her All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com
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what she wants, then she’s going to see issues. The other thing is: is she pressuring guys too early for commitment? Is she being a bit of a sexual teaser up front without any intentions of actually fulfilling on that sexual relationship? If so, that can frustrate guys very quickly. That would also cause her to attract guys and, when they hit it and quit it, when they don’t get it on the first date, they’re going to go, “Well, she’s just a teaser. I’m out of here.” That’s a classic, and that’s a very strong possibility here also. The other possibility is: how is she feeling about men in general? Is she saying, “All men are dogs, they just want me for my body”? All the guys who are great men are not going to settle for a woman who thinks all men are bad. That’s kind of a foundational truth. A lot of times a lot of people miss that. Guys who just want to use women for sex tend to be – which is something hilarious to me, I find it very entertaining – the same guys that say, “All women are dead lays. They just lay there. They don’t have any passion. I can’t get a woman to act like a porn star in bed.” It’s because you’re not igniting any passion. She’s settling for you because all you’re doing is using her. The guy equivalent is the guy who has a woman who lets him buy her expensive dinners and buys expensive stuff for her, but she just sticks around because he’s a meal ticket. She isn’t really into him. That’s not very fulfilling for the guy. Any combination of any of those, Amy, could be very real. I would encourage your reader to be somewhat introspective and see if any of those ring a bell for her. Amy:
That’s a really good point, Scot. One of the directions she might want to go into is the Make Every Man Want You More course with Marie Forleo, because Marie’s big belief is that there are no rules, and, if you follow rules, you’re just going to get yourself into situations that aren’t fulfilling. It’s all about being in the moment and responding appropriately and authentically. There’s a lot more dating advice out there than rule-based advice … like your advice, Scot! Like Marie’s advice that doesn’t tell women to follow the cookie-cutter plan. Advice that actually encourages women to go deeper into a level of beliefs like the How to Be Irresistible to Men course. There’s a lot of dating advice out there that isn’t going to tell you what to do, but rather is going to ask you to think about who you’re being. All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com
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Right now, this woman knows how to “act.” But what she needs to do is look at who she is. Not the superficial stuff. As you said, not the outer game, not the, “I’m sexy, beautiful, accomplished,” stuff, but her inner game: what she’s thinking, what she’s thinking about men, and what she’s projecting onto them. Scot:
I’d love to chime in with a yardstick for measuring solid, validating advice. If it’s gender-specific and the authors are trying their darndest to hide it from the hands of the opposite gender, you’ve got a problem. If it’s an underground set of tricks that we don’t want women to get a hold of, because we’ll be found out and exposed in broad daylight, you’re dealing with something that’s dangerous. If you all, if Marie, and certainly here, if we’re writing materials which may be gender specific … I still have women that read my newsletter to men and say, “Wow, you’re just helping me figure out how men think, and you’re affirming who I’m becoming as a great woman.” If it’s mutually beneficial, if we’re caring about the opposite sex, then we’re not going to care that the opposite sex is reading what we’re talking to guys about over here, in terms of talking about men’s dating advice. Also, look at books like Deserve What You Want, which is one of the few that’s designed for both men and women, because it’s equally true regardless. I think that’s a good yardstick to follow. Is it an underground hushhush thing, like this is the secret rules for women to hook men into marrying them? Then that’s probably going to be fraught with red flags. If it’s out in the open, then I think that’s probably a good sign.
Great. Well, Scot, we’re coming to the end of the program. To sum up, what would you say are the top three tips that women need to remember when it comes to mastering their confidence with men?
First of all, I love the concept of being approachable and looking like you’re friendly. As you are leading this more friendly, gregarious life and you see how people respond positively to that, that will build your confidence. Also, ladies, please don’t ever feel like being feminine is a negative. Wow, do men love feminine women! You will love the masculine you attract by being feminine, and it will build your confidence.
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Third, I’d like to reiterate the point that we brought up front. Don’t feel like you have to lessen yourself to try and get a guy. Don’t feel like you’re being too sharp, or too smart, or too sexy. Don’t ever, ever put yourself in a position to settle at all, and you’ll always be able to walk with your head held high. Amy:
Scot, thank you so much for joining us and sharing with us that advice and fantastic tips. I really hope all of you out there listening have learned a lot, just as much as I’ve learned from this conversation. For more information on Scot and the programs at X & Y Communications, go online and visit: MeetYourSweet.com/deservewhatyouwant
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