Improv Interactions

I MPROV I NTERACTI ONS AGuy’ sGui deToBui l di ngSoci alVal ue

ByBr endanCor bet t

IMPROV INTERACTIONS A GUY'S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE

This book is copyright 2009 with all rights reserved. It is illegal to copy, distribute, or create derivative works from this book in whole or in part, or to contribute to the copying, distribution, or creating of derivative works of this book, unless you have consent from the author. Front Cover Illustration: Copyright © 2009 By ‘Giraffarte’ In association with www.dreamstime.com Copyright © 20 www.GKYDFDGHP\.com Brendan Corbett All rights reserved.

People are your main source to everything. The next person you meet could add something valuable to your life. Don’t miss the opportunity just because you lack confidence to interact. - Brendan Corbett

CONTENTS Introduction How This Book Works

i xiii

PART ONE: DEVELOPING A SOCIAL ATTITUDE 1. Blocks In Conversation 2. Social Attitude And Mindset

1 15

3. The Improv Approach

51

PART TWO: INSIDE INTERACTIONS 4. Building A Lifestyle 5. Making An Impression 6. Sources For Conversation 7. Starting Interactions 8. Authentic Listening 9. Making It Interactive 10. Storytelling 11. Making It Flow

68 82 92 100 138 150 162 178

PART THREE: BEYOND INTERACTIONS 12. Frame Control 13. Presence 14. Group Dynamics 15. Sparking Attraction 16. All Together

202 220 234 244 294

Conclusion

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INTRODUCTION The goal of this book is to help you increase your social value through conversation, interaction, and social skills. „Social Value‟ is defined as the ability to be observed as a man who exudes an abundance of worth by his presence and the way others react to him. You don‟t need to be a celebrity or a big CEO to be perceived as having value. Value comes from the way in which people react to you and know of you. You can gain this in your everyday life when you know how to be extremely comfortable and confident socially. What you need is the ability to interact with anybody you meet. If you have ever been in situations where you have been too quiet; too shy; repeating yourself; lost on what to say and talk about; feeling blank etc…then this is for you. This book will guide you in overcoming the mental blocks and other blocks which can happen in social situations. I was once in a position where I struggled severely from social anxiety. While I was in search for answers and how to get over it, I came across a lot of other people with similar problems, and also struggling with the actual process of conversation. I began to notice that their struggle was down to their inner challenges which blocked their progress, which resulted in them feeling more anxious in social situations. So I wanted to create a book to combine those two areas: overcoming social/approach anxiety, and also devising an improvised structure to interactions. Put it this way. Think about how a typical conversation goes.

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Person A: Hiya Person B: Oh Hello, How are you? Person A: I’m fine, How bout you? Person B: Aw I’m good too thanks Person A: What you been up to? Person B: Oh not much, you? Person A: Yes the same. Busy as always haha Person B: haha, yeh Person A: … Person B: … Person A: Well I best get going so I’ll see you later. It was nice to see you again. Person B: It was great seeing you as well. We’ll catch up sometime. Person A: Definitely!

Sound familiar? The trouble with this interaction is that there is no possible advancement. They both cut each other off by remaining resistant and closed. A lot of interactions tend to go like this. Chances are they probably won‟t “catch up” sometime soon because they haven‟t invested in each other. So it‟s another empty conversation. It‟s a recurring pattern for people who tend to cut interactions short. They do this because their mind goes blank and they can‟t think of anything else to say, so how can they possibly get to know each other to become more? CONVERSATION PLUS ATTRACTION I‟ve always had a curiosity about interactions between men and women. It appeared to me that, yes, even though it is quite easy to talk to a girl on a friendly level with chit-chat, you have to have something else going on to spark the infamous CHEMISTRY. And you can also notice the mundane conversation patterns during interactions with a girl…

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Guy: What’s that book you are reading? Girl: Danielle Steel Guy: Oh I’ve never read her books. Are they good? Girl: Yes, otherwise I wouldn’t be reading it. Guy: Good point. I’ve just finished reading Tom Clancy’s new book. Girl: I’ve never heard of him. Guy: A-ha (Dying a slow and painful death) Girl: … Guy: … Girl: ………….. Guy: Well, I best be off. Enjoy your book.

Good beginning. Jittery middle. Predictable ending. This interaction had the potential to have another girl as part of his social circle – but he “blew it”. It‟s so easy to be dumbstruck and not know how to continue an interaction with anybody. We hit dead ends and we feel the anxiety building up. Or maybe our lives ARE actually boring and we have done absolutely nothing for us to talk about or connect on. So where do you go from there? WHAT IS ‘IMPROV INTERACTIONS’? Improv = Improvisation. Yes, it is that on-the-spot spontaneity you see in theatre and performance. Actors often talk about it and it‟s most common in music such as jazz. It is a skill where you create in the moment with all that you have available to you. The question is: What can you create in terms of social interactions? It requires you have no script and no preparation. Sounds impossible, but if you have ever researched improvisation- you know it has a structure and helpful exercises to improve your skill to improvise. The biggest secret is that…

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Experience creates social intuition

HOW DOES IT APPLY TO INTERACTIONS? In this book, I am going to provide you with a social structure you can improvise with. You won‟t be bogged down to the routine manner we all go through in conversation. We can learn to divert and spark up new ways to continue a conversation and have an interaction which can lead somewhere. All of us are improvising every single day. As much as we try to live in our safe little bubbles and plan out our days, knowing everything we are doing in advance- we still have to improvise and figure things out as we go. With interactions you have no script, just as in life. You have to create your dialogue on the spot and learn to create and react right then and there. With that being the case, most beginning interactions with people tend to remain on the safe side. We stay confined to small talk and fluff because that‟s how social conditioning has trained us. You can learn improvisation as a skill to surpass those boundaries. It is a way of giving you more options. It‟s more than a skill though, it‟s a mindset. It‟s an overall attitude to how you approach life and people. Apply it to your social life, and you find yourself creating more opportunities and connections with others around you. COMBINING ‘IMPROV INTERACTIONS’ & ATTRACTION Creating attraction tends to be the main goal between a man and a woman when they interact. Unfortunately, that doesn‟t seem to happen with safe and respectful conversations.

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A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE Making a woman feel something more for you requires you being in control. But it‟s hard to be in control if you‟re a stumbling mess and worried about “saying the wrong thing”. You take control when you can handle whatever is thrown at you and you take the reigns. I naively assumed I needed methods to spark attraction, when in fact all I needed was a general understanding to work with. The only reason I became consumed with it all is because of the control and predictability it had. But the predictability soon wears off. You begin to feel a fraud. If you‟re doing the „pick up‟ thing, I‟m not suggesting pass it off. This is about taking a step back and building a gym mat. It‟s a place where you can fall flat on your ass and still keep on going. I took a step back and decided that the answer was to BUILD A FOUNDATION OF SOCIAL SKILLS which you can apply with everybody and anybody. It not only increases your social value, but the confidence it gives you allows you to be naturally attractive. Social Value is a big key to sparking attraction

BUILDING A SOCIAL FOUNDATION Let‟s face it, most of us live not so extravagant lifestyles. We will not all be the typical man-of-value stereotypes that will capture a woman into our webs of seduction. The ultimate test is being able to make the mundane boring stuff BE fun

Because what are you left with when you take away the „Pick Up‟ methods? v|INTRODUCTION

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Pure and simple, you are left with conversation- an expression of self. It is at the foundation of any interaction. I noticed it‟s this foundation which a lot of guys tend to be stuck on. They become too linear and fixated on their approach and the content of what they say. With that, they miss the natural attraction sparks that are happening right in front of them. You can tell when you lack a foundation because you say statements along the lines of: - I ran out of things to say - What should I have said next? - It went really quiet and I was losing her. Should I have done another palm read? - I had to leave because my mind went blank. How long would you last if you ACTUALLY had her? You can only repeat your „attraction material‟ a few times and get away with it. The other advantage is that „Improv Interactions‟ applies to EVERYBODY you interact with. Once you have the confidence and comfort in your ability to flow with a conversation, then it gives you a feeling of knowing you can handle ANY social situation. Then the interactions start to become FUN rather than full of anxiety. It will no longer be a case of, “What will I say when we run this topic into the ground? I‟ll be lost. There she goes, she‟s finishing her sentence. Her lips are now…about…to stop moving. What did she just say? I missed it! Too nervous…Should I talk about my pet fish again?” THE IMPORTANCE OF SOCIAL INTERACTION Real conversations are scarce, so our interactions with people are limited. It seems that most people‟s methods are to wait for the silence so they know that it‟s their turn to speak. And in that time, I vi | I N T R O D U C T I O N

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE believe the person is either thinking, “What should I say next?” or “Where is the exit?” The interaction itself is never the real focus. It‟s especially obvious when you are interacting with somebody for the first time. Strangers can be so unpredictable. Whenever two or more people are hovering around together, there has to be some form of interaction. On the flip side, there are an abundance of people walking past us in this world every day. Multiple opportunities to connect and have some company are all around and yet most people can still feel lonely! I know…bizarre. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN Interaction means “to interact”, which means it takes two to tango. “Being social” for short. Conversation is the tool that allows us to interact with one another. After the initial eye contact and proximity, you HAVE to say something. And conversation is easy. They say a sentence, you say a sentence- it‟s a done deal. However, that‟s the SIMPLEST form of conversation. It doesn‟t appear to be interactive like conversations should be. It‟s passive and fleeting where neither seem to be interested in taking the time to get to know the other. But conversation is much more than being all about the words you say. Put it this way- If you are a quiet person and unresponsive, then no doubt you will be tarred with the personality traits of “shy” or “ignorant”. Both of which I don‟t think we all like to be known as. Most of us can‟t seem to help that. You don‟t want to be quiet on purpose. It‟s only because conversation is uncomfortable for you. But the other person doesn‟t know that, so without you even saying a word you‟ve been judged in a seemingly negative way.

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IMPROV INTERACTIONS This isn‟t about overcoming the judgments you get. You can be judged even for the way you walk in most cases. I‟m simply pointing out that your interactions have a greater impact than discussing daily news topics or what the other person has been up to. Every social interaction projects your personality and attitude. Even if you are quiet- you are projecting shyness and insecurity

Conversation is expression, and you deserve to be able to express yourself fully without fear or anxiety. CREATING A CONNECTION Try having a long-term friendship or relationship without saying a word. I know married couples seem to hit that point anyway after 20 years with each other, but give it a go. Anybody can make small talk and fluff their way through. A quick hello, a nice how are you, what you been up to- it‟s friendly, non-intrusive, simple. But it doesn‟t create anything concrete to build up a social circle or relationship. To make a connection requires more than that. Obviously you don‟t want to create a connection with everybody you meet. You‟re not trying to be a walking Facebook here. By connection I mean interacting on a personal and expressive level. It is those relationships that form your social circle and create a socially abundant lifestyle. It could be with anybody where you have to show your face on a regular basis, or maybe even in the new places you have decided to venture into on a whim. This does not mean to go out and talk to every Tom, Dick and Harry. However, there will be people you would like to interact with- but often we lack the feeling of social confidence to go up and initiate. viii | I N T R O D U C T I O N

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IT HAS TO START SOMEWHERE In reality, everybody you know now was once a stranger to you. After a while it probably feels second nature to request meeting up or asking for a favour with a friend. You know, doing the things you can never do without a level of comfort. Now, I understand conversation sounds easy. Conversation just seemingly flows when you are with a friend or somebody you are close and comfortable with- so why continue reading? Because… By having strong, confident social skills and the ability to improvise with anybody gives you VALUE

Social anxiety and fear tends to prevail for those of us who find it hard to socialise. Even if you are already a social person, taking on improvisation is an outlook for your lifestyle. You become the “why not?” guy. You can open up and connect to somebody within minutes because of your attitude and confidence to be expressive. You decide to be aloof and a bit “out there” with playfulness so others feel comfortable doing the same. In fact, you become the leader of an interaction. In the beginning it is a battle for sussing out the other person and trying not to tread on any toes. The majority of our new friends happen by being in a social setting like college or being introduced. But there are multiple strangers and interesting people out there. Why pass up the opportunity just because we lack confidence and social skills?

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Without people, you gain nothing. No friends- No social life. No girlfriend- No intimacy and future family potential. No networking- No job or business opportunities. No customers- No sales. No audience- No performance. No teachers- No learning.

THE FEAR OF INITIATING People are your source to all that is valuable in your life. For many of us, the idea of talking to new people is a scary concept- we don‟t even bother to do it. When you walk down the street it is very rare that you will be reciprocated with eye contact. We are all in a world of our own. When we are in a waiting room, we bury our heads in magazines. When we are on a bus, we check our mobile phones. When we are at a bar, we wait till we have consumed enough alcohol to forget our own name. To be social you have to learn how to develop a certain mindset where you find it fun to interact, even with complete strangers. You have to build a level of confidence where you can handle the SOCIAL PRESSURE. The majority of interactions are passive, so the ideas and techniques provided here are to help you get passed those blocks YOU put up, and also what other people put up- then you can be more than just a quick Hello. So here it is, a “how to” guide on:  Expanding your social circle and increasing your value.  Being comfortable in any social situation.  Being able to make conversations personal.  Bringing the best out of people by giving them permission to let go. x|INTRODUCTION

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE   

Having fun, creative and playful interactions. Letting others let you into their worlds while you do the same. Being naturally attractive.

Enjoy.

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HOW THIS BOOK WORKS My intention is to help those who are struggling with socialising with others- Whether it is because of anxiety, or fear of new people, or stepping back because they have no confidence in their social ability. I have read many books in my time. Well, I had to because I hid in my own little world and that is all I had. I would read a book, think “Brilliant. I have the knowledge…NEXT!”, but I never applied anything. I felt like Short Circuit, whizzing through books searching for more input. I wanted too much reassurance before I applied anything. I don’t want that to be the same case for you. Many books I read went into the hundreds of pages region. I would think the bigger the book, then the more credibility it had. It took me days, sometimes weeks, to finally get around and finish reading a book. I’d go away from it for a few months, forget what it told me, and then go back to it all over again. It was a vicious cycle. If you summarize these books down into notes, you’ll find they only have a few key points that are worth remembering. The rest of it is just padded with fluff in hope for some eureka moment. This is an INFORMATION and SELF-IMPROVEMENT book, and because of that- I want to keep the details strictly to the bare essentials. I want you to get the information that you need so that you can APPLY it.

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After all, the core of this book is to give you a universal attitude of an improviser, topped with understanding interactions, and a dash of being confident socially and with interacting with people. DO YOURSELF A FAVOUR… TAKE RESPONSIBILITY. You will no doubt have all the information you need to get out there and interact with real people – so go and apply what you know. Don’t waste your time searching for more material or the perfect solution. Speed of application is a mindset for everybody successful in this world. I do not profess to be a brilliant writer. My only concern is that you get the knowledge you need to be effective with your interactions and social skills. The way this book works is first of all giving you THEORY of a structure on how social interactions work so you can improvise with the options. It is not filled with specific lines or routines. The structure is there so you can improvise around it. No social situation will be the same for you- hence why it is better to learn improvising and thinking on your feet. After that it is up to you to make being social and improvising in your life a habit. Take this information and then go out there, accept what you are given- and dive in to make it up as you go along. There will never be a perfect situation- only situations with the potential for you to mould. Come back to this book later if you wish. But I hope that once you read it, you already have an “I’ll give it a go. Why not?” attitude anyway.

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PART ONE DEVELOPING A SOCIAL ATTITUDE

Learning to overcome anxiety and mental blocks in social situations.

A GUYS GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE

CHAPTER 1 BLOCKS IN CONVERSATION Conversations are sometimes difficult to keep going. They hit pauses, awkward silences, and you don’t really know what else to say. Interactions are a two-way process. For them to become twoway there has to be a level of reciprocation, which means that both people have to contribute and create openings for the other person to jump in. Within your social circle you don‟t have to be conscious about conversation. It all comes naturally. You can bounce around with any topic and feel free to ramble on about anything that comes up. You could have one word answers, cut it- and then go on to something else. You‟re not concerned about whether you are in to dance music and they‟re in to classical, you still feel free to talk about your tastes anyway without thinking “I‟m boring the tits off of them here”. You are free to speak without judgement. And it probably took a while for you to get there to that level of comfort. You had to have a few shared experiences and “Wow, Me too” moments. When they took that leap of faith and opened up about something personal- you reciprocated with your own little anecdote, and you felt good by building that trust. With new people it‟s a whole new ball game. You don‟t know about each other. The only thing you can really go on is your first impressions and the environment. 1|BLOCKS IN CONVERSATION

IMPROV INTERACTIONS If you approach somebody new, chances are you will both be cautious in what you talk about. You also have no shared experiences to riff off, giving the old “Remember that time when…” intro. You are starting from scratch, so there comes more ways for interactions to hit a dead end and uncomfortable pauses. It‟s to be expected.

YOU ONLY GET ONE CHANCE Okay, in truth, you don‟t only get the ONE chance with a person, but it helps for illustration purposes. Let‟s say you approach somebody, a pretty girl for example. You walk up to her, give your introduction that you spent 30 minutes trying to get right. And all you get in return is… Girl: Oh, hehe. Okay.

Where do you go from there? It‟s impossible for you to say, “Wait! Let me try this again. Just wait here. You carry on doing what you were doing…” You think you‟ve been rejected. Was it your breath? The way you stood? Maybe you should have gone for the cocky grin instead of the full teeth smile. Either way, it‟s a difficult block. She hasn‟t given anything back to interact with you in return. So you walk away believing another opportunity has been lost. Back in Fred Flintstone days, you would of only had about 3-4 more girls to try it on with before you ran out of fresh meat.

2|BLOCKS IN CONVERSATION

A GUYS GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE It‟s a common scenario, and it doesn‟t end there. How about if you actually got the girl to meet up with you another time? Now instead of 10 minutes, you have 3 – 4 hours of possible dead ends and silences. That‟s usually the part where panic mode hits. You feel you have to find something you can both hit it off on and impress each other, then something else…then another…then another. If that ends up being the case, then it‟s usually down to bad social habits. Interactions should be free-flowing, but we are not shown how to be social in schools and through education. We are left to our own devices and try picking it up as we go along by copying those around us. So these bad habits tend to occur and they‟re often not your fault. Perhaps you have been conditioned to be shy, or told “Be polite and always listen”. OVERRIDING THE BELIEF THAT IT IS REJECTION

When you experience these blocks- you will often feel like you are being rejected.

Many thoughts will run through your head as to why the other person isn‟t getting involved as much as you would have liked. Often self-consciousness hits and we think we‟re being boring and you‟re not hitting it off. Then anxiety comes into it and you both back away due to it feeling uncomfortable. We love interacting with people when all the fears and anxieties are brushed aside. Unfortunately, we all exhibit common behaviours, or BLOCKS, when we first interact with people. Social politeness tends to play a big part, but overall we tend to restrict ourselves from giving too much away. We become uncomfortable and don‟t want to say or do the wrong things. 3|BLOCKS IN CONVERSATION

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No doubt you have done it in the past to people- you‟ve gone quiet or you have thrown questions at them to divert attention from yourself. But you didn‟t mean to reject the person, did you? Of course you didn‟t, although it probably appeared that way. Once you become conscious of these blocks, you begin to realise that we are all guilty of doing it- and it‟s not really rejection at all. It is social safety and our discomfort in social situations that make us want to press the abort button. Being aware of these blocks gives you a more respectful and understanding approach. You can brush off awkward silences with a knowing smile. THE BLOCKS Like I said, you‟ve probably already blocked people in similar ways but without even realising it. It‟s usually an unconscious process, which is why it‟s so easy to misread the signals. I‟ll go through how to avoid blocks later. Right now it is important to just be aware of them. Notice whether you have ever experienced these blocks or done them unconsciously with others.

1) YOU ARE IN YOUR OWN WORLD- BEING CAUGHT IN THE HEADLIGHTS We‟ve all had it happen to us. We‟ve been walking along minding our own business, eyes fixed on the pavement and getting to where we have to be. Then it happens… The voice from afar: Excuse me. I’d just like to borrow you for a second…

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A GUYS GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE It‟s a typical salesman opener. You perk your head up, and depending on their body language and welcoming face- you have a split second to either say “no thanks, not today”, or you go along with it, where it‟s only after that you realise you have just signed up for radioactive medical tests starting next Tuesday. Congrats! People are constantly in this state of trance. When somebody snaps us out of it, it‟s like the feeling you get when you‟re startled up out of your sleep. You latch on to any statement thrown at you, or the more recurring option- you run like hell. The last thing anybody expects is for a complete stranger to start talking to them from out of nowhere. Some people welcome it with open arms. But most of us are all in our own little worldsheads down and hidden away. It explains why most people are on a defensive when you approach them. It‟s an unknown experience. They are thinking: - Who is this person? - What do they want? - Which way do I run if they whip out a knife? And all in the space of 5 seconds as you attempt to initiate a conversation. That‟s not something to be afraid of. It is something to accept and to take into consideration. The person will hardly know you, but we are all guilty of making snap judgements based on the way other people present themselves. It‟s a point where you have to show your openness through every fibre of your being. That‟s right, full on emotional nakedness. If you go up stumbling with your head down- chances are you won‟t be perceived as somebody to continue talking to. I know…it‟s brutal. Realise that in the initial few minutes of approaching, you are going to be the one doing most of the talking. They‟re still half asleep and wondering what the hell is going on. Talking does not mean offering a tirade of questions- that just deepens the “get me out of here” feeling. 5|BLOCKS IN CONVERSATION

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2) CLOSED SELF-EXPRESSION. YOU DON’T LIKE TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF A lot of people find it very difficult to talk about who they are. Whenever the conversation steers towards asking questions about them, they do whatever they can to slip away and deflect it on to something else. Imagine, if you will, the dialogue: Person: So what do you do? You: Oh nothing much. How about you? Person: I’m a skiing instructor. It’s brilliant. I never thought I could get into a career where I love what I do. What things do you enjoy doing? You: I don’t know. Whatever takes my fancy at the time, I guess. Where do you live?

The answers are very short and closed off. They don‟t contribute anything for the other person to hook on to move the conversation forward. Rather than being closed off, the person should have shared who they are. When you don‟t share yourself the conversation becomes one sided. It puts a premature block on the whole process. You have to be open to contributing.

People who feel uncomfortable with that concept generally start to deflect by asking more questions, or like the above example they start giving short answers. Being reluctant to expose yourself usually stems from feeling inferior. It‟s a response to believing that sharing who you are isn‟t important or interesting. The other reason is feeling shy whenever the attention and spotlight are fixated on you. It gives you an internal pressure to cower away and step out of the spotlight. 6|BLOCKS IN CONVERSATION

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With it being internal, it requires changing the way you think about the interaction and yourself. You may imagine that whenever you expose yourself the other person will find it ____________ (insert blank with any negative connotation). Being more open and expressive requires a new mindset to build a positive self-image. At least then you will feel secure enough to express who you are.

3) YOU DON’T LIKE TO BE SOCIAL- BEING INTROVERTED. For some of us, being in our own world can feel the most comfortable place to be. We get to relish in our own thoughts and be as creative as we like without fear of people trampling all over them. They are our thoughts- and we feel better for that. I don‟t like using the Jung psychology term of “introverted” either. We all have different parts that contribute to our personality as a whole. You can be introverted AND also extroverted. There is no split that suggests you have to be one or the other. So again, it‟s a mindset and belief that prevents you from wanting to be around people. You can be introverted as much as you want. You can go away and create or think as you wish. However, there has to be a balance within your lifestyle where you tap into your extroverted self and let your social savvy side shine through. In short- you feel motivated to socialise. Not everybody wants to be talkative and social 24/7. Sometimes we just want to unwind with our own thoughts. That‟s understandable. Throughout life though we are often thrown into the lions den where we have to be social and interact. Sometimes you don‟t feel like laughing at the boss‟s jokes, as you mentally picture lunging over the desk with your stapler in hand- but you still laugh at his jokes anyway. It‟s amazing what we can do when we feel under pressure. 7|BLOCKS IN CONVERSATION

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You may in fact not be as introverted as you think. A lot of the times it‟s a way of defending your ego. We would rather devalue something that we feel uncomfortable with, rather than say, “Hey, I‟m no good at that”. Your introversion excuse could just be a scapegoat. Only you will know which you are doing when you are truly honest with yourself. If you are protecting your ego, then let it go. Don‟t resign yourself to being introverted. Yes, you may find social interactions very uncomfortable and you feel you don‟t like them at all. You would much rather be away from people and go inside yourself. But for your own sanity and balance, develop the skills necessary to pump yourself into a state where you enjoy being social. You have only become an “introvert” by accident. A few negative social interactions when you were younger, and your unconscious packed its bags and called it a day. Your life and personality may have been totally different had those interactions had gone the other way. Understand that if you in fact do sway more to being introverted and keeping yourself to yourself, then find a balance.

4) STAYING ON TOPIC- MILKING IT TILL THE END This is a very common mistake, so it‟s very easy to go unnoticed. The idea is that what most people tend to do is exhaust the topic until there is nothing else to squeeze out of it. Let‟s say for example the topic is music. That leads to a whole array of questions. Favourite bands, lyrics, gigs, type of music etc. Even though there is a lot to go at- at some point the topic will burn out and exhaust itself. On top of that, it gets very boring staying only on the one topic. 8|BLOCKS IN CONVERSATION

A GUYS GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE

The worst kind of milking is the dreaded INTERVIEW. The topic will obviously be the other person, and we squeeze and milk it to exhaustive proportions. Because what then tends to happen is a list of questions thrown out without delving in deeper on other tangents. It follows the line of, “So who do you live with….oh cool…what do you do for a living….fabulous…what hobbies do you have” etc. The trouble is it can be addictive to stay on a topic that you both seem to hit it off on. It‟s very hard to resist and switch on to another topic because you fear you will lose the momentum where it seemed like you were on a roll. There is no specific formula if you are in search of length in minutes. It‟s more of a vibe you get that the conversation needs to switch up. That comes with intuition, and intuition comes with experience, and….you see where I„m going. To prevent the burn out from happening you have to be creative and use associations, so that you are able to not get stuck in the same topic for however long. You can ask a question about the person and then go into it deeper and relate it to your own opinions and circumstances. It reminds you of other experiences that tie in with other topics. Who knows if you will ever get back to where you started. The point is having the ability to be creative and stretch out the conversations potential, mixing it up and diverting to other links, rather than being resigned to one topic…then another…then another- all in a linear fashion.

5) TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF TOO MUCH I‟m not too sure whether this happens because of vanity or someone having a nervous disposition, however you do get some people who appear oblivious to helping the other person get involved. 9|BLOCKS IN CONVERSATION

IMPROV INTERACTIONS It‟s the whole cliché of give somebody an inch and they take a mile. Even if you don‟t give them an inch, they‟ll make one anyway. I‟m sure we love to hear about people. After all, we are asking them questions and creating the opportunity for them to open up and express who they are. But there does reach a point where you think to yourself, “…it‟s dark out. I‟m sure it was light when we got here. How long have they been talking?” It can easily be done through nervousness. Talking at length about yourself for some people can be a distraction, and they may only be doing it to get away from awkward silences. If you are the culprit of talking too much, then you won‟t really be aware that you are hogging all the talk time. It will generally all be, “I did this…I did that…I want this…I need that” statements. The person has “I”s all over the place. It‟s fine if you can talk at length. The other person may be revelling in the fact that you are easing their pressure to interact. It takes self-awareness and a curiosity about the other person that allows you to stop yourself in your tracks and end up the monologue.

6) CLOSED QUESTIONS Closed questions are ones that get you one-worded answers. With some people you can ask them open questions and they still give you one-worders. Revert to point #2. Closed questions are zoned in on facts. An example question would be “How many brothers do you have?” All you will get in return is a number (Fact). Instead, you could ask, “So tell me about your family…” it is a question posed as a statement- and it is aimed at a wider topic area. Sometimes all your closed questions need is a little rephrasing. I know we don‟t like interviews, but interviewers are typically good at the “posing questions as statements” thing. They ask a 10 | B L O C K S I N C O N V E R S A T I O N

A GUYS GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE question and sit back while you fumble to say why you think you are capable to be CEO of a £140,000,000 company. But closed questions can be useful at times. You need closed questions to get the facts- just as long as you use those facts to develop the interaction. In everyday conversation with your best friend you can always get away with closed questions. That is because there is comfort to go beyond one word responses. With new people, we often feel like we don‟t want to put the other person on the spot. Asking them open-ended questions could put them in an uncomfortable position. Grab some balls and understand that it is necessary to go through these uncomfortable moments. You will have to be the leader who takes the initiative. If you put them on the spot- so be it. Although, before I get burned at the stake, I must warn you to be tactful.

7) YOU REALLY DO NOT GET ALONG I don‟t imagine that sitting with a person who has 27 piercings (per limb), along with a tattoo of somebody being strangled to be a cosy experience. My initial thoughts would be, “I will never get along with this person.” It‟s amazing how quick our judgments can be. In the same respect, we could see somebody with a guitar and assume they love to play/write music. Funnily enough, so do you- it‟s a match! Until you realise it‟s a gimmick he uses to pack his lunch in. But we can‟t depend on people exposing their personality through their style. I find a lot of people tend to be very reserved. Just think of that big ol‟ brute from „The Green Mile‟. Most people would shy away at such an intimidating figure. But there 11 | B L O C K S I N C O N V E R S A T I O N

IMPROV INTERACTIONS was more to him than his large presence. It‟d be a shame to overlook that over a “We won‟t get along” rule. Having said that, you could find out you really don‟t gel with somebody half way through a conversation. My thoughts to that: Hey, it happens. There are over 6.5 billion people in this world- We can‟t get along with everybody. Over time your social intuition will develop and you will begin to notice who you will vibe with and who you won‟t. Whilst achieving that intuition, choose to remain open-minded and give people the benefit of the doubt. They may surprise you with an, “Oh My God. I would never have guessed” moment.

8) YOU COULD BE PERFECT- IT’S THE OTHER PERSON After you read this book you will know all the ins and outs of interactions and conversation. Trouble is, you are playing this game with probably 95% of the population who never took the time to truly understand themselves and how to get the most out of people. Some people are natural. They‟ve had good strong positive role models throughout their life and developed positive habits. They can naturally connect and interact, and they‟re instantly likeable without even having to be conscious about it. They have an enthusiasm about socializing. Unfortunately, a lot of us take on bad habits. So in your short but colourful life, you will no doubt meet people who demonstrate the above blocking techniques that make interacting that little bit more difficult for you. They may be too quiet and too reserved to share who they are. They may be too passive and aloof or all “me me me”. They may be wearing a scent that triggers off your allergies. Whatever the reason, you will be faced with a question…should I take the time to get to know this person better? 12 | B L O C K S I N C O N V E R S A T I O N

A GUYS GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE That is your decision. But by understanding interactions, you will learn to have more tolerance for people who do not have the conversational intellect. You understand the blocks and choose to go beyond the initial vibes you might get. You won‟t feel rejected, nor will you feel any resentment towards yourself.

WRAPPING UP Reminding you of these blocks is to help you be conscious of them so you can override them. It‟s a chance for you to catch yourself in the act, and to also notice when other people cause the blocks. With awareness you have the opportunity to disassociate from them and not feel as though you are being rejected or blown out. Obviously some acute awareness is necessary. Some people may actually be acting in these ways to literally dismiss themselves from the conversation and from you. Hey, it happens. We can‟t please everybody. And being social implies us coming across a diverse range of personalities- and not all of them can match with ours. BLOCKS WITH INTERACTIONS SUMMARY - Blocks prevent a two-way interaction. - They are usually through insecurities and shyness. - They are not a form of rejection.

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THE BLOCKS 1) 2) 3) 4) 5) 6) 7) 8)

Catching people off guard, in the motions/a trance. Shy about self. We stay quiet and don‟t express. Introverted. Like own space. Avoid being social. Staying on topic too long without diversion to other topics. Stuck in a loop. Talk about self too much Wrong kind of questions. Closed. Get facts but don‟t use to add. Don‟t get along. Too different or too similar. Clash. Other person exhibits the blocks making it difficult for you.

- Work around the blocks so you have better conversations. You interact together.

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CHAPTER 2 SOCIAL ATTITUDE AND MINDSET Your behaviours up until now have been stemming from your beliefs about how you perceive situations and yourself. Here is how to change it to result in new and more productive, behaviours and actions… Imagine walking into a social gathering thinking, “This is going to be terrible. I didn‟t even want to be here. It‟s a waste of time.” Then imagine that same social gathering, but instead you walk in thinking, “There are so many new faces here. I don‟t even think I can get through everybody.” There are underlying beliefs and experiences that create those different attitudes. I don‟t even have to ask you what you think the behaviours will be from each attitude. You already know which thought processes will lead to entering the scene with an air of social confidence. And you may even make another observation to realise that in each scenario- the social gathering would be exactly the same. Truth is, we are all experiencing the same world. Even if you stand across the setting and watch a guy working the room bouncing from one person to another; having people approach him; making every person laugh their asses off. He is seeing exactly what you are seeing. The people he is talking to in that venue may have walked past you two minutes ago. Here is the twist, and I‟m assuming the question you would like answered. 15 | S O C I A L A T T I T U D E A N D M I N D S E T

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If you are going through the exact same experience - then why are you reacting and behaving differently compared to how the charismatic guy behaves and reacts?

You can just imagine it- a complete stranger walks past him, and he has no qualms about striking up a conversation with him or her. When a stranger walks past you, you keep your head down and eyes fixed to the ground. What is causing the difference in behaviours? Another kick in the balls is that they all seem to warm to him when he does the conversation thing. It‟s frustrating because you “know” if you did it, then you will be lucky to even get a brief encounter past the “hello”. People will just turn away from you. So why do they happen to you and not him?

SELF IMAGE - HOW YOU SEE YOURSELF I think we all know how we need to be in order to create the type of results we want. Ask any guy who he wants to be movie character wise, and it‟s always the usual James Bond or some other main cool character. It‟s instinctive. So the difficulty is not knowledge. We know how we need to be. The difficulty lies in making it be who we naturally are. That requires a big shift from how you‟ve been for years. And when we observe somebody exhibiting the same traits and personality which we would like, we automatically distance ourselves from believing we can become that identity. 16 | S O C I A L A T T I T U D E A N D M I N D S E T

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We separate our capability by saying things like: - Oh they are a natural, I could never be that way. - It’s just not me. I can’t imagine ever being like that. - It’s easy for them. They are good looking and charming. - I bet they had a good upbringing. No wonder they are that way.

Our objections are ways to protect our identity. Even though you WANT to change who you are, it seems almost impossible to be able to break away from the small little box you‟ve got yourself in. After all, you have been the way you are for so long. Whether you are 18 years old, 25 years old, 38….42- we always say “it‟s too late. I‟m too set in my ways.” We stick to our same methods and strategies out of the belief that, “This is how I‟ve always been”. If that‟s the case then we need to shatter the belief that keeps us caged and locked in our own identity.

The only way to shatter a belief – is by giving enough strong contradictions to make you doubt and question the initial belief

SELF-PERCEPTION Let‟s say I give you an extreme example and say to you, “Do you think you can get up on stage tomorrow?” 17 | S O C I A L A T T I T U D E A N D M I N D S E T

IMPROV INTERACTIONS Public Speaking is a major social fear. Dying on your ass in front of one person is hard enough. But 100+? From that question there are three generalised responses: - No way. I could never do that in a million years. I‟d be too nervous. - Well, I‟ve never done it before, but I‟ll give it a go. It‟ll be fun! - Hell yeah. I‟ve done it loads of times and it went well. I‟ll do it. The first person comes from a place where he “KNOWS” he could never accomplish such a feat. He‟s never done it before in his life. Or when he has done it, it has gone tits up with negative consequences like being laughed at, stuttering, too nervous to even focus. He has no references to success. The second person comes from a place where he has an overall confidence of, “I‟ll give it a shot”. Even though they have no point of reference to being on stage, their confidence from other areas of life lead them to believe, “I can do it”. The third person has been on stage since he was a little kid. His parents threw him up on stage and cheered him on. Getting knickers thrown at him when he was in a band at 18 etc. From there he believes going on stage is easy. The scenario will be different, but the act of going on stage is the same. He has multiple references to support he can do it. They are all simple men with nothing special about them. They all have the same biology and general appearance. The only difference between all of them is their past experiences. From being born up until this day, they will have travelled different paths- each being raised by different people, different schools, and a different upbringing. So now, at the point where you are at- you have a generalised definition of who you are and what you are capable of, based 18 | S O C I A L A T T I T U D E A N D M I N D S E T

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE purely on your past- how you were raised, the people who hung around with, your upbringing and role models etc.

It is not about living with the perfect past.

We can all say, “My parents never encouraged me…if only I went to a better school when I wasn‟t bullied…if I had just pushed myself then I would be OK now”. This is where you are at NOW. Who you are today is a result of your past. You went through experiences that traumatised you and made you realise, “I‟m not going through that again”. Or maybe you have not been through a traumatic experience. Perhaps you have just been bombarded with criticism and negativity. You showed your teacher your work, and they disregarded it without the praise that you had hoped for. People were dismissive of you. You always saw somebody else getting the prize instead of you… I do not know your personal history. Your past experiences will differ from everybody else. So now, the only thing we can do is CHANGE HOW YOU SEE YOURSELF as it is right now, regardless of your previous history. STEP ONE- DEFYING YOUR PAST AND PEERS If you are a nervous and shy person, then I‟m assuming that you have been around people who have pigeon-holed you into that type. They didn‟t mean to do it. They were just never the type to encourage you or give you support when you got knocked back.

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IMPROV INTERACTIONS So you have a whim one day that you want to perform as a DJ in a club. You‟ve been secretly practicing in your bedroom. You have got a phone call for the perfect opportunity. One of your automatic thoughts at that point will be: “Oh My God, what will people think of me?” Personally, I don‟t think it is about what PEOPLE think that really hinders us, but simply what will our SOCIAL CIRCLE thinkour parents, our family, our friends etc. We could rationalize a situation and say, “It is okay. I‟ll never see these people again- I can do what the hell I want and get out of here”. Within your own environment and own social circle- you do not have that luxury. You will always be reminded and remembered for it. There are social consequences. Our peers seem to concrete us to make sure we are set in our ways. Whenever we want to make a shift, they will say things like, “You‟ve changed…that‟s not like you….ugh, I don‟t like you anymore. You‟re too different”. Going against our friends and family is a difficult challenge. They remind us of how we have always been. So if you want to change your past- the first step is building up the courage to defy the perceptions of your peers.

OUR SOCIAL CIRCLE FEAR EXPLAINED It‟s scary being judged by your social circle. Even if we are not around the same people from when we were growing up, we use their perceptions and opinions of us as validation of our identity. We get set into a level of status. If we ever took the chance and risked becoming something better, or messing up and decreasing our value in their eyes- we have to face their opinions. 20 | S O C I A L A T T I T U D E A N D M I N D S E T

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE Maybe it will be their disappointment in you, or their upset, or their anger/challenge, or their ridicule. Fearing your social circle judgements is nothing new. It‟s an evolutionary fear. We have not always been the 6.5 billion number species. We were in our hundreds of thousands spanning across the world. That meant we had to walk around in small groups. Those groups were our survival. We learnt that by staying together we could seek out shelter and provide better. So imagine if we did anything wrong or we went against our group. We would be cast out or put at a lower status- resulting in us getting the least amount of opportunity for food and shelter. Our safety mechanism made us conscious about our actions within our peer group. We could not risk messing up. Hence why there is such an emphasis for us to question what people think of us. But we cannot be somebody different and change if we remain fearful of social perceptions. We have to dare to strike out and find new ground- otherwise their views and comments about us will drag us back to how we have always been. “I better not change. My friends are different with me now…” And defying your peers does not mean go out of your way to purposefully piss them off. I am suggesting that you should accept the grilling and different perceptions that you may get. Because some may even surprise you and say, “It‟s about time. I knew you had it in you.” Others may throw negativity and keep that pigeon-hole on you. It‟s a risk you have to take in order to improve yourself.

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Accept that what ever you do different from the norm- you will receive different feedback from each person in your social circle.

If you are deciding to become that social, then your social circle will notice it. “I can‟t believe you just did that…That is so unlike you, Oh my god….What are you doing that for?....Really? Are you sure you can do it?”… Don‟t try and find the perfect way to avoid the possible negativity and different attitudes towards you. Accept them as a prerequisite to becoming a better person. STEP TWO- BELIEVING AND DECIDING TO CHANGE Step one was all about realising two facts: 1) Your past is created by beliefs and references from people observing you, especially by your social circle and those models around you- teachers, parents etc 2) We still fit into that mould by living up to those beliefs; otherwise we will interrupt our comfortable social circle. It‟s our evolutionary design to prevent social consequences. Doing new things and accepting what your social circle thinks of you is a hard concept to grasp. It will take some pondering and thinking over, and hopefully you will reach the conclusion that breaking away from that mould gives you strength. Unfortunately, no amount of reading can convince you of that. It is an internal acceptance. But when you do, you have to understand BELIEFS.

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BELIEFS Beliefs are all context related. If I asked you are you a murdereryou will hopefully say no, otherwise this book has leaked out into all the wrong hands. However, if I asked you could you kill somebody if they killed your parents- most could actually say yes. A label like murderer is just that- a label. And we can only gain labels in comparison to other people. I mean, how could I possibly be a confident person if I have nobody to compare it with? How can I be shy unless somebody has identified me with that characteristic compared to somebody else? I would just simply BE. But because we are in a social world, we are constantly in comparison with other people- and so we have to identify labels and assign traits to each other. “Oh him? Oh he‟s a quiet person. He wouldn‟t say boo to a goose.” “That guy over there? I don‟t know, but he looks psychotic.” “She is really sweet and innocent. Butter wouldn‟t melt.” “That one? Yeah he‟s really chatty. Trust me, you‟ll love him.” Beliefs are thrown indirectly at us all the time, and throughout our past we have picked them up. If your parents were constantly telling you, “Don‟t touch that you‟ll break it!”, or if your dad never let you touch his tools and help him fix something- you will identify that with yourself and think, “I‟m no good. I‟ll just end up breaking things”. That initial thought will spring on you every time you are thrown into a situation where you are required to apply your fixing skills. Indirectly, if you have un-social parents, you can pick up their bad habits as well. They may have been the type to always shy away from social events- like meeting the family or going out for a drink. You didn‟t question why they did it, you just thought “it‟s not that important to be social”. 23 | S O C I A L A T T I T U D E A N D M I N D S E T

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What beliefs can hinder your social success? “Don’t ask somebody questions like that. You’ll be imposing.” “Always be polite. Only speak when spoken to.” “People don’t like to be approached.”

Or maybe your teacher was the eccentric chatty type. And you thought to yourself, “God. I can‟t wait till we get rid of this guy. He is so chatty! It‟s annoying!” So now you believe being chatty and talkative = annoying, so you stay away from it. You become the opposite quiet type instead. A belief simply identifies what you feel you can and can not do, or what you should and should not do.

The mistake people make, however, is that they never challenge them. In our time of youth and moulding, we were shaped with those ideals and beliefs. As an evolutionary and conscious step, we hit our rebellion teenage years to make sense of the world on our own terms. Teens get confused a lot nowadays. There is so much pulling at them right and left that it‟s hard to know what to believe. And when it comes to defining beliefs about ourselves- it seems we generally revert back to our old ways anyway after our rebellion.

BELIEVING IN CHANGE Now comes the part where you start making small changes to become that charismatic guy you‟ve always wanted to be. Or, whoever it is you want to be- it‟s your choice. 24 | S O C I A L A T T I T U D E A N D M I N D S E T

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE The problem you faced in seeing that charismatic guy or James Bond is that you felt “It is not who I am.” Clearly we need to change that limiting belief. So remember the rule about contradictions… Change is a very emotionally charged word. We are so set in our ways that even the idea of interrupting them will cause our own internal Armageddon. I like to think of change a little bit lighter than that.

I define change as NOT DOING WHAT YOU ONCE DID.

For example, you probably stay away from approaching somebody out of fear. To say you have changed only requires that instead of staying away- you approach and start a conversation. Ah, but then the infamous, “I did it, but I‟m still scared of doing it again” dilemma comes into play. I don‟t know why changes have to be seen as so dramatic. We want to be able to wash away all our fears in one big swoop. Changes can be a small progression, or they can happen in one big life-changing drama. So let me point out how change works just to clarify the process to you.

HOW CHANGE WORKS Let me give you an exaggerated example…

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IMPROV INTERACTIONS Imagine an alcoholic family man. He drinks every single day. He doesn‟t think twice about reaching for that bottle of vodka. He has money for a sandwich versus half a bottle of whisky, which does he choose? He doesn‟t even consider it a choice. That‟s an automatic habit. It‟s very similar to how you probably are (or were) in your social situations. You automatically do some behaviour without feeling any need to question it. He was stuck at home one day feeling sorry for himself, and something in him just erupted. He doesn‟t know where it sprang from. He obviously couldn‟t have been thinking consciously about anything- he was too drunk to do it. This was his unconscious coming to bite him in the ass. Instead of confronting it, he grabs his keys and goes out for a drive- fully tanked up with a cocktail of spirits. He can‟t think straight, he can‟t even see straight- not until he‟s peaked at 80MPH and clips an oncoming car as he veered into the middle of the road, taking up both sides. His car swerves into a wooden fence as he luckily gets control of the car in some open field. He composes himself, and then drunkenly stumbles back to where he clipped the other car. He‟s sobering up quite quickly now as he nears the source of the horn along the embankment. He gets closer and his eyes widen in fear. It‟s too unimaginable to believebut he has seen the type of car and even with blurred vision, he can almost make out the registration. He collapses down into the ditch and peers into the side window- to notice his wife and two little girls dead in the car. Hmmm, quite a grim story- but that is a very intense and dramatic experience. From that day, I guarantee that man will never touch another bottle for the rest of his life- no matter how long he had been drinking for, no matter how many days in succession he had been doing it for- alcohol will always be what killed his family. 26 | S O C I A L A T T I T U D E A N D M I N D S E T

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE The story is made up, but no doubt a possibility that happens in everyday life. For this book though- there is something important in that story that relates to how actual change works. From it, you can realize that change happens by two things: 1.

Repetition

2.

Emotional Intensity

The repetition happened daily for him. He drank every single day. He drank to forget, but his unconscious was still circling inside reminding him of his torment- how much of a failure he is by losing his job. Then one day, after he couldn‟t take the inner fight within himself, he tried breaking the cycle by doing something different. In that state of “something needs to change”, he was hit with an accident that touched him deeply- losing his family. It was a deep and intense EMOTIONAL impact. And when something hits you with a gut feeling- you make a connection inside yourself and realize that “if I had not been drinking, I would not have been out on the road drunk”. That link causes the man to look at every beer bottle in disgust. Fortunately, we do not all have to go through such dramatic events to help us change our ways- however the method is still going to be the same…

You will have to look at your own behaviours that prevent you now, and look at them with disgust.

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CHANGE- REPETITION WITHOUT EMOTIONAL INTENSITY We have all tried many ways and methods to change ourselves. We‟ve done it the one time and discovered it hasn‟t worked, and we give up. Look at people who diet. They have had such a strong pleasurable habit for so long- and that was eating very tasty foods, but at a cost to their appearance and health. So they go on crash diets to slim down. They try all kinds, but still feel that temptation to go back and have that tasty comfort food. They get called names, stared at etc- but it‟s not enough to change their habits. Then one day, they go to a family party to sit in a chair, only to find it breaks underneath them. They replay (repetition) that thought through their head for days- feeling the gaze of their family all looking at them on the floor. For most, depending on their belief and what is important, that could be enough to take that person over the edge. Emotional intensity hits at different points for everybody. (You can also notice that these experiences have involved FAMILY- a part of their social circle. The opinions of our social circle impact us greatly. In this case, their opinions are used as motivation to change.) But look at the small changes you probably make daily without you even realizing it. Maybe you once decided to drink coffee without sugar- and you never looked back. Maybe you once hated vegetables, now you‟re a vegetarian. Maybe once you went out without alcohol, and you‟ve never touched a drop since. Maybe once you couldn‟t even get up out of bed. Now you wake up at 6am. Maybe you once went for a walk, and now you jog every day. 28 | S O C I A L A T T I T U D E A N D M I N D S E T

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE These small changes creep up on us all the time, but nevertheless they are still examples of change- doing something different to what you once did. The harder changes are obviously the conscious ones- the ones where you have to actually give yourself the “umph” of motivation to do something about it. But- without the feeling and emotional intensity, the cycle will keep on going. You don‟t have any discomfort to change, hence no reasons to.

SMALL CHANGES CREATE A BELIEF THAT CHANGE IS POSSIBLE We would all love to be able to do one small thing and have it change us forever. But it will never be ONE small thing that changes you. It has to be earth trembling for it to have any real impact. If it is a small thing, it will be an accumulation of them. And also, context always plays a big part. We‟ve all seen celebrities who can get up on stage and WOW thousands if not millions of people. But when you see them in an interview- they go all shy and crumble. Small changes help you create momentum, and they help to create it in the context that you want to. Little changes like striking up conversations may seem insignificant to your overall social goals- but they are building blocks for REPETITION. STEP THREE- CONSCIOUS CHANGE Most changes tend to creep up on you. The other type of change requires some dramatic event or experience to make you say NEVER AGAIN!

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IMPROV INTERACTIONS We can‟t always wait around for things to happen to us. Or where we wake up one morning with a spring in our step and somehow- we‟ve completely changed. Conscious change means you have decided to be PRO-ACTIVE in doing something about it. It means facing uncomfortable scenarios. Feeling the fear and doing it anyway. Throwing yourself into the lions den and facing your demons.. So there is a very big incentive for you to lie to yourself. You can always say, “Ah it‟s not that bad. I‟ve survived long enough without changing, so I‟ll stay how I am thank you please”.

Conscious change requires feeling strong discomfort (emotional intensity) towards how you are now.

Life changing events are ones where, now that it has gonesomething different has to be done. New habits and behaviours have to take its place. You adapt, you get accustomed- you change. Life changing events can happen in your own life right now. You have to create that niggling feeling inside of you that something has to be done. Look around at your life- is it how you would like it to be? “Ah, It‟s not so bad” I hear you say. BE HONEST. The BIGGEST kind of incentive to change comes from other people. Yes, including your social circle. Our strongest emotions happen with other people. Being embarrassed, rejected, frustrated, missing-out, dumped, used, betrayed etc- they all happen through other people. And they are big EMOTIONAL incentives to say, “I never want to feel this again”. 30 | S O C I A L A T T I T U D E A N D M I N D S E T

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE

Sometimes our biggest incentives come from not letting other people down. We do not want to disappoint, and that feeling of imagining how upset they will be or how excited they will be can spur you on. When you‟re not in a desired state to change and “something has to be done” phase of your life, then any negative emotion will only dig you deeper. You have to remind yourself that SOMETHING HAS TO CHANGE..and you BELIEVE THAT YOU CAN CHANGE IT.

DON’T SIT AROUND AND WAIT FOR IT You can sit around and wait for change to happen to you, or you can create your own reasons to change. Either way, permanent change will not happen without some emotional intensity. We say change isn’t easy. But it is VERY easy when we know we have to do it.

When something dramatic happens to us, we find ways to adapt and change our ways. Why? The reason is because WE HAVE TO. We have no option. Unfortunately, conscious change is something that we have probably felt comfortable with for so long. What are our reasons to HAVE TO change consciously? You see, with life changing events- they happen to us and we adapt to them.

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With conscious change, all you can rely on is your own INTERNAL convincing strategy. How much do you really need to change?

I‟m assuming that‟s why literally everybody finds conscious change so hard to do. If it‟s not broken, then why fix it? A niggling feeling that “it would be a bit better if I changed” is great- but it is not essential. So don‟t be disheartened if you struggle initially. Keep on hitting reasons to convince yourself that your behaviours right now are not creating the feelings you want them to. STEP FOUR- DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT…AND DAILY So you‟ve reached a point where you KNOW or FEEL you have to change yourself. In the dramatic alcohol example abovethat intense experience created a BIG shift in that mans way of thinking. Going back to the way he was would be too painful. But for us seeking a CONSCIOUS change, where we are not anticipating any future event that can drastically change our livesthen we have to take action, whether we like it or not. This is tough love, but it‟s better than feeding you a bunch of positive thinking lines that make you feel all funny inside…for an hour. What most of us WISH to happen when we desire a change is for us to get a burst of motivation from somewhere. It hits you like a bolt and before you know it- you are already passed the turmoil. But we are coming from a point where we have had years of feeling un-confident and inferior.

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A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE How can you expect to make a swift change when you have no references to success?

TAKING THE LEAP WITH NO REFERENCES When you put yourself into situations right now, you will be faced with a fight or flight response. You are facing your demons and trying to do whatever it takes to muster up the bit of va-vavoom to get you making the first step. However, the voice and thoughts playing through your mind are constantly reminding you of WHO YOU ARE. It will uppercut you with, “Why are you even trying this? You are going to look so stupid. You‟ve never even done it before. What do you expect to happen?!” And if you have not had a catalogue of experiences to call on, then you will feel twice as unconfident. So the question is: How do I believe I can achieve or do something, without any references to it going how I wanted?

Let‟s say you plan on being social on a night out, and your goal is to approach five groups of people that night, rather than standing at the bar waiting for the “perfect” opportunity. You have the urge, you know you want to do it- and yet your body and feet just keep saying, “Not today buddy”. The night ends, and you have another negative reference to add to your list when it didn‟t go how you wanted it to. You feel hopeless.

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IMPROV INTERACTIONS And that is exactly the cycle you need to break. You need to learn how to CREATE YOUR OWN REFERENCES prior to your actions. If you are being CONSCIOUS about your change, then it is all an internal game. Sure, you could sit around and wait until something happens to you. Maybe you have a near death experience one day and it puts your life into perspective. If not though, then CREATING REFERENCES is the way to go.

YOUR

OWN

CREATING YOUR OWN REFERENCES Where can you get your references from? …From the external world? Well, we‟ve already established that relies on some kind of event happening to you. That could take weeks, months or even YEARS until that comes about. All you can really rely on is YOUR MIND. Bullshit? Well not really. Think about what is motivating you to STAY AWAY from these actions and behaviours right now. It is your mind recalling and reminding you of who you are right now, and convincing you not to push forward. It will give you a gut feeling and immobilize you just to make sure you don‟t go and do it. All that is stopping you are memories...which have been REPEATED the more you thought about them...and they FELT INTENSE to become automatic without any thought. So who is to say the reverse cannot happen?

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A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE It‟s like the cliché example. We can all come up with the worst possible “What if…” examples. But that proves we have an imagination to work with, so why is it never used in a positive way? Using your mind is simply applying those same techniques- and consciously. The only two important ingredients are FEELING IT TILL IT IS REAL…and REPEATING IT. But, that might never happen if you have inner issues that conflict with how you want to be. Let‟s say you want to be a LEADER in a social situation. But you‟ve had experiences in the past where you have seen that leaders have been arrogant and cocky. They are too bossy and people were always talking about them behind their backs. So you make the association that LEADER = BOSSY. You don‟t want to be bossy, so you put off being a leader. I‟m sure we all have these connected issues that prevent us from being how we want to be, and I will clear up some of the issues later on. For this part, you have to understand that… CREATING REFERENCES IN YOUR MIND is simply doing what your brain is doing all the time.

The only change is that you are choosing to do it consciously. How do you do it? Take the time out to mentally picture any scenario or situation where you feel something you don‟t want to feel.

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IMPROV INTERACTIONS For example- a social situation. Many of us can feel content with two or three people. However, when that number changes to four people, we can feel a surge of anxiety. Imagine yourself in that scenario, and see it through your eyes as if it is actually happening to you right now. Doing that allows you to FEEL IT. It‟s like how you have probably had very vivid and realistic dreams. You could see it all happening through your eyes, and when you woke up- you questioned if it really DID happen or not. If you dreamt that dream 24 hours a day, 7 days a week- then that would be your reality

So step into the situation you struggle with. And as you would expect to do in an ACTUAL situation that is sprung on you- you must stay in the situation (in your mind) and mentally “push aside” the feelings you are getting. If the feelings are too intense, then step out from behind your eyes and be an observer. You will notice that you are not as bad as you think you are. You are noticing yourself in a way others notice you. If you still have self-criticism, then step further back and constantly keep on pushing the criticisms out of your mind. Yes, this is all done in your mind. You are making a conscious choice to define your reality and how you experience it and yourself. References that you have had in the past are simply memoriespictures sounds and thoughts that are played back to you. That is EXACTLY what you are creating here, WITH FEELING.

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A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE

NEXT- TAKE ACTION Changing yourself is not some “bolt of lightning eureka” moment. You are living around your body constantly. You will feel the discomfort coming back on you. It is like how somebody comes up to you and says “you‟ve lost weight”. But you didn‟t notice you had lost weight at all. Now that they have told you, it becomes obvious. So when you step into these situations, you won‟t feel anything totally euphoric or nirvana. You will simply observe and realize that those feelings have become weaker, or they are none existent. They have become suppressed enough for you to at least step into the situation and have an experience. And those experiences build up another reference library for you to remember and recall. REVIEW OF CHANGING YOUR IDENTITY Your identity and self image define what you BELIEVE you are capable of, and what your daily habits and behaviours are. Call it self-confidence, self-esteem, self-assurance…whatever. The point is that how you see yourself is the MAIN STEP to actually being able to take on new behaviours and habits. You are not set in stone. You are a stone that can be chiseled away at and moulded, simply by the actions and behaviours you partake in daily. The key then is to CONVINCE yourself and help you BELIEVE that you can take new actions. So instead of shying away thinking, “That is not me”…you go and give it a shot. You make small changes all of the time. Doing it consciously to your behavior is much more difficult because we FEEL IT…and we have our past and social circle to secure us in ourselves. 37 | S O C I A L A T T I T U D E A N D M I N D S E T

IMPROV INTERACTIONS For us to change, we have to accept the risks and consequences. We cannot wait for the perfect situation so that ridicule or disappointment is totally avoided. IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. We have to accept them and carry on regardless. Then, you have to create your own INTERNAL PRESSURE to make a change. Think of yourself as a kettle on the boil. Pretty soon that top is going to blow off (that‟s called stress). INTERNAL PRESSURE can happen through something happening to you externally. Maybe you lose somebody or something. Maybe you have a health hazard. In any case, the result is your life is turned upside down- and you have to CHANGE to adapt to it. Creating INTERNAL PRESSURE consciously requires you and you alone to convince yourself of change. People can give you direction and guidance. But in the end- it will be YOU who makes that final call, because it is you who FEELS it. Yes, you can make excuses to stay as you are. If you do, then you know that is the problem. Build some more internal pressure to blow that habit of excuses out of the water. Once you know the root that stops you- make it your focus to dig it out. If you have not had references in your past, then CREATE REFERENCES IN YOUR MIND. Do exactly what your brain has been doing all along. Repetition and emotional intensity will make these references FEEL REAL to you. If you keep on snapping back to how you were originally, then it is because you have ISSUES with the whole idea of it. You believe you are going to be worse or no better off by making the change. 38 | S O C I A L A T T I T U D E A N D M I N D S E T

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE Once again, that all boils down to finding the root, digging it out- and building your internal pressure. That internal pressure will ASSURE you when you take on your new habits. Yes, they will feel new and surreal to you, but at least you are not being immobilized. Taking part in these new actions will create your new references. And…it sounds very long winded, but in the end- it all comes down to how far you are willing to go. APPLYING CHANGE SOCIALLY Which ever way you slice it- those are the “rules” for change. And I am sure you have many doubts in yourself. They become even more apparent when you are thrown in with other people. You can be tossed around right and left with all kinds of labels and perceptions about your persona. The idea now is to apply changes to a social context by working on your own mental blocks. Up until now, the reasons why you are not as social as you could be, or the reason why you don‟t like interacting with people, are purely down to your own internal setbacks. The opportunity is there to be social all around you, but there is something inside of you that makes you say “nope”. I don‟t know you personally so I can‟t explain where your hold ups come from. All you need to realise right now is What else could you be holding you back? There is an abundance of people and social venues out there to dive in to- so you can not be lacking in resources. Maybe money? Who knows. But if that was the case, then why are you reading a social book instead of a „finance and investment‟ book? 39 | S O C I A L A T T I T U D E A N D M I N D S E T

IMPROV INTERACTIONS And these internal blocks prevent you from having a social foundation. They give you traits like being shy, or being quiet- but the most common behaviour associated with being social is AVOIDANCE. We can say we are not motivated enough to be social. And yet, doesn‟t it take the same motivation to convince your self NOT to be social? It all comes down to how you are applying yourself when you are faced with these social situations. So the goal is to overcome these main blocks and perceptions you have. That way you can take the first steps in CHANGING YOUR BEHAVIOUR AND ACTIONS in a social context. Bottom line- you are seeing the same world as everybody else. So a lot of the changes will come down to reframing your perceptions. What do you need to change?

1. YOUR VIEW AND BELIEFS ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL Do you believe they will think the worst of you? Do you think they find you boring? Do you think you are not interesting enough? Do you believe people do not want you around? It‟s a funny old thing because usually the way you see people is a reflection of your own inner insecurities. Life is a mirror. If you believe they all feel negative towards you, then it is a reflection of how you feel about yourself. Overcoming that starts with you questioning the perceptions of yourself. The cliché quote is “Nobody will love you until you love yourself”. I believed that quote to be a bit too mushy, but I guess it does hold some truth.

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A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE How can you expect to be around people if you feel all these negatives will be against you? It doesn‟t sound very appealing and inspiring if this is all you believe you have to face. Why would you possibly put yourself out there to interact with others if this is what you believe to get in return? That‟s like asking somebody to go up on stage when they KNOW they are going to get booed and have cabbages thrown at them. You will not even find that initial urge to interact socially unless you change your own self-image THROUGH YOUR EYES. And the thing is, you won‟t ever know how people perceive you anyway. It‟s your own mind playing tricks on you because of PAST REFERENCES. If you are using your past or previous labels- then see Step #1. Create a new reflection of yourself. Also, do not expect to be validated for your new perceptions. You should come from your own internal reference of how YOU feel. Nobody will come up to you and directly tell you how they feel about you. In fact, you have not needed people to tell you any negative perceptions about you. You just believed it anyway from the past and acted accordingly. As soon as you DECIDE and approach the world with your new identity shift, then you will begin to see people in a different way. How do you do it? Go through the steps of change so you have enough propulsion to take on your new beliefs, and then take actions to reinforce them by constantly reminding yourself (repetition). Walk through the street saying hello to everybody. Make a phone call to some random number. Start a conversation with somebody behind a counter. 41 | S O C I A L A T T I T U D E A N D M I N D S E T

IMPROV INTERACTIONS

Take on ANY action that requires you to interact, and notice how they support your new beliefs about yourself- that people are NOT always looking on at you in a negative way. People will not automatically think the worst of you if you apply social skills and intelligence.

2. YOUR OWN VALUE AND VALUE OF OTHERS As you work towards a reality check about people, you have to then understand the concepts about your value and theirs. Do you constantly put people on a pedestal? Do you try hard not to upset or anger people? Do you always agree and conform to whatever others ask of you or say? If so, then that kind of attitude puts you in a position where you are always in fear of others reactions to you. Why? …Because you place too much value on them. When we are around people of value, we get nervous and try to be on our best behaviour and be respectable. We hesitate and put more restraint on our actions and what we say, just in case we do something “wrong”. This always puts you in a reactive mode. You stay sheepish and quiet. You always laugh but never offer your own humorous observations. You always conform and say, “Okay, sure”. Imagine if you met your all time hero who you adored since you were 5. Chances are our behaviour would always be putting the ball in their court. We would find it hard to disagree with what they say, or even express yourself. Your focus would be on putting questions on them and letting them talk instead. People are important. But at the same time- so are you. 42 | S O C I A L A T T I T U D E A N D M I N D S E T

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE

You need to stop perceiving people with such high value. You will read in a later chapter how it is important within relationships as well. How do you do it? It‟s a choice. And it Is a choice where you remind yourself that underneath these clothes- we‟re all naked. Or if you prefereverybody‟s shit stinks. Whatever quality or prowess they have, they are still human. No matter what position they are in, they still have emotions. Understanding that gives you clarity. You do not always have to be in reaction to everybody you meet. Put yourself out there first if you want. You are as human as anybody else. I said human instead of “good” because you may still be struggling with your inner beliefs about yourself. But you can see how already these two views open you up to possibility.

You only PERCEIVE people to have higher value because you compare them. Change your views and remember we are all born naked.

3. FINDING MOTIVATION TO BE SOCIAL AND INTERACT Shifting your views of people and their value is a good starting point. It puts you in a position that should lower your negative perceptions, whilst at the same time desensitising anxiety. Anxiety is often a result of anticipating the worst.

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IMPROV INTERACTIONS It opens the doors of possibility for you to at least TRY to be social- but where is your motivation to actually get out there and interact? I do not know your personal goals for reading this book. Everybody will be at different levels. But without motivation to be social, it is like buying a new car but never actually driving it. You have to discover your own reasons to actually get up, get out there, and get interacting with people. Do you want to create a social circle? Do you want to stop being alone? Do you want a girlfriend? Do you want new clients? Do you want to be that guy who hits it off with everybody at the bar? Do you want to be able to see something and go for it? Do you want to enjoy the unpredictability of socialising? Do you not want to be quiet and shy anymore? There are many reasons you can choose, and they all come from you deciding what it is you are aiming for. Because put yourself in a situation where you are sat at home. You‟ve been stuck in the house for four days. Are you going to continue sitting in your house thinking “why even bother going out?” …or are you going to motivate yourself to do something? Motivation comes from BELIEVING and KNOWING in a positive outcome. Nobody gets motivated by negativity, unless they get desperate enough. That is why it is important for you to overcome the negativity you may feel you always get from others. Visualise everything that you imagine to FEEL GOOD by being around people. If you are in a position where you are regularly social anyway, but you are not in a position to be successful with conversations 44 | S O C I A L A T T I T U D E A N D M I N D S E T

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE (ie, you‟re always quiet, shy, tense)- then imagine getting positive reactions from everybody you meet. Picture the look on their faces and the laughs you get. Imagine your answer phone being filled with requests to meet up with youyou are in demand. Hear the compliments people will offer and give you. Expect the best to motivate yourself. And also, if you want to enhance your motivation, remind yourself of how inferior you feel in the state you are in now. You are so close to living and being how you want to be- if only you gave yourself that little push. And motivation is not a one time thing. Every time you are faced with a dilemma, you have to use motivation to make a decision. That motivation could easily motivate you to actually stay in the house. It could easily motivate you to continue staying quiet and shy. How are you using motivation? Motivation comes from: feeling the best outcome, or hating your current situation enough to do something about it.

4. ANXIETY INITIATING

FROM

APPROACHING

AND

In my eyes, anxiety is simply about anticipating the worst. And anxiety has a lot to answer for because it prevents us from doing a lot of things, especially socially. This bit is encapsulating all of the previous three pointers into one. Anxiety stems from believing you will have negative reactions from others- whether that is initiating a conversation, expressing yourself, offering an opposition etc. 45 | S O C I A L A T T I T U D E A N D M I N D S E T

IMPROV INTERACTIONS Overcoming anxiety then is about internally diverting any negative reactions you might get. Our imaginations are incredible, and they can be used for us or against us. Do you believe you will get rejected? Do you believe you will piss someone off? Do you believe you will say the wrong thing? Do you believe they will never want to see you again? Do you believe you will push too far by asking? By anticipating these kinds of reactions, then that anxiety can rev up- and your body will go in freeze mode. It‟s a defence mechanism where your brain says, “Whoa. Don‟t do that. You‟re going to get laughed at! Stay here, you‟ll thank me later” So you can override a stabilising emotion such as anxiety by breaking any habit of anticipating the worst. Whenever it comes on, tell your brain to shut the F up- and divert your mind to something positive instead. Yes, it is a conscious process, otherwise you will be constantly in reaction. If you have enough reasons and intensity to want to get passed the anxiety- then your brain will remind you when these situations arise. It will trigger you to think, “Hang on. I have a choice here.” That choice is then up to you and how intensely you want something different. Perception of people. Perception of their value. And motivation to be social.

…all of them combine to give you a new approach on being social and interacting with people. And in turn, they give you a strong advantage in overcoming any anxiety you feel socially. 46 | S O C I A L A T T I T U D E A N D M I N D S E T

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE It sounds simple like one two three. Knowing the method and reading it gets you aware intellectually. But transferring that into actual intense emotion and feeling is the challenging part. It is usually the point where most people would stop. Feeling it is always the key. Maybe it requires feeling it while you are actually in the situation and coping with it as you go. But this is the model which you will find as the most effective in overcoming your social hang-ups. Use the methods for change… Change and reframe your perceptions of yourself and other people… Use emotion and visualisation to give you motivation for action… Take that action to support your new perceptions…

WRAPPING UP Developing a social attitude can be uncomfortable. After all, you are stepping out of your normal comfort zones and trying on new habits and behaviours. But a social foundation is crucial to being successful throughout every area of your life. To achieve that means having to convince yourself that you NEED to do things differently and take new actions. It may not feel it because you have been living your habits for so long, and they have not given you any bad feelings. That is, until you actually take the time to think about it and realise what you are missing out on and what you COULD have. You may be shy and unconfident right now. You may be insecure about your own value- and these initial thoughts make you act quiet, reserved and inhibited by avoiding any social interactions.

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IMPROV INTERACTIONS You cannot fully avoid the “negative” circumstances that you fear might happen. Yes, you may get rejected or ignored. You may do everything right and still have people turn their nose up at you. Anything can happen. But rather than avoiding the situations all together- you are now learning to ACCEPT them and go along with it. It is always common to shy away from social situations because of the bombardment of anxiety. So once you develop internal security in your own value, then you will not constantly compare yourself to others. Your focus will be elsewhere, rather on the anxiety fuelled actions of constantly assessing yourself and how “goofy” you look. Your goal is not to be the social guy with hundreds of acquaintances and knowing somebody everywhere you go. Your goal is to develop comfort and ease in your interactions, so that you can freely express yourself through conversation. Then again, who knows how far you will take it when you develop a new attitude… ATTITUDE AND MINDSET SUMMARY - Your behaviours are not getting you the results and feelings you would like. - Changing feels difficult because “it is not who you are”. You can not imagine yourself taking on the new behaviours, and that comes from your own perception of yourself and your beliefs.

STEPS TO CHANGE 1) Accept the risks and consequences. 2) Believe you can change, and remind yourself it is up to you. 3) Use small changes as momentum to support that changing is possible. 4) Visualise your own references to how you want to be. 48 | S O C I A L A T T I T U D E A N D M I N D S E T

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE 5) Use repetition and emotional intensity as your main keys to change. 6) Keep doing at it daily, till one day you have “lost weight” without realising it. - Conscious change is difficult. You need to use your own convincing strategy to realise you are uncomfortable and disgusted. Create the reasons and feel it. - Always be creating your own references. Use your imagination productively. Flip your strategy, and anticipate the best outcome.

SOCIAL CHANGE - The opportunity to be social is all around you. It is your perception and beliefs that cause to behave with avoidance and scepticism. 1) People will not automatically turn away from you. 2) Level the playing field and remember your own value. We are all born naked. 3) Find reasons to interact. People are your source to “feel good” emotions. 4) Weaken your anxiety by anticipating the best outcomes. Then make small actions to support your new beliefs of outcomes.

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CHAPTER 3 THE IMPROV APPROACH People are unpredictable. So is life. It’s useful to have an open attitude and approach which applies to every situation. That’s where improv comes in. Let‟s break away from interactions for a second. This book is here to introduce to you the skills of improvisation in your everyday social life. Improvisation is commonly associated with performance. However, I am no performer, and I assume that most of you who read this won‟t be a performer either. But I believe you can use the attitude and skills of improvisation to enhance your social confidence and communication with people. When you separate improvisation as a tool for only performance, you get to learn its core definition: Improvisation is the spontaneous creation process using only the stimulus and environment available.

Basically, it‟s what we do every day. The trouble is we don‟t realize that we are doing it every day. So when it actually comes to a point where we are told to “think and react on the spot”, our minds go blank and filled with panic. 51 | T H E I M P R O V A P P R O A C H

IMPROV INTERACTIONS EVERY DAY UNPREDICTABILITY When you wake up in the morning you probably follow a routine. You eat the same breakfast, brush your teeth in the same way, and leave your work clothes in the same spot as you always do. It‟s common to have these static routines. Life is generally routine and monotonous. We keep up that routine until something comes along and changes it. Let‟s say you get in your car like every other morning, but this time it doesn‟t start. Great! You could sit in the car and panic for half an hour, but it‟s an important meeting day so you grab the nearest thing with wheels and ride it like you‟re in the „Tour de France‟. Congratulations, you‟ve just improvised. But alas, I‟m sure most of us wouldn‟t dare to take that option. We close it off thinking “What will people say when I turn up on a pink bike with ribbons on?” The bike was a solution to a problem, and it was applied to something you had not anticipated- but you would rather class it as not an option. So we stick to a routine until some tragedy changes what we have to work with. Then, in the moment and on the spot, we block off a number of options out of our fear of embarrassment. And we call ourselves an advanced species. IMPROV IN A SOCIAL CONTEXT Now apply that same method and mindset to being social. We still stick to our routines. We keep our head down and avoid eye contact. We walk hastily from A to B, avoiding any kind of contact and conversation along the way. If, by our bad luck and misfortune, somebody decides to talk to us- we try to remain concealed and closed off. We offer polite nods 52 | T H E I M P R O V A P P R O A C H

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE and “please don‟t kill me” gestures, but often our overpowering emotions are confusion and anxiety. Even when we are on a one-to-one in a date like setting, we can feel a strong urge to censor ourselves in case we say the “wrong thing”. So instead, we stick to safe and polite conversation without daring to offer ourselves. You both walk away feeling you have nothing in common because you both stayed too quiet. It‟s also very rare that we would go out of our way to approach somebody. The reason is because we don‟t know what they are going to say or how they are going to react. Our fears and imagination comes into play and shows us the worst case scenarios. An internal voice plays in our heads, “but what would I say?” Once again, our mindset shuts us off from possibility and options.

HOW IT COULD BE WITH IMPROV Creativity is one of the advantages our brain has to offer us. Situations can come up and hit us when we least expect it. No matter how much we try and play it safe and have certainty in our life, one thing is for sure… Uncertainty is the only thing certain.

When those situations come along we are forced to make decisions, choices and actions based on what is available to us. The pink bike to work, although sounding ridiculous, was a solution. There is an abundance of options that are around us, but the abundance is not the issue.

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IMPROV INTERACTIONS

It’s not what you can do. It’s what you are willing to do.

Applying improvisation socially means: to use what you have available to you during an interaction. The main thing you have at your disposal is your mind. But if you‟ve got a mental restraint where you BLOCK the majority of things you‟re thinking- out of fear of it being too stupid, too boring, too something- then the interaction gets put on pause. With somebody we have just met we typically stay on safe topics- what have you been up to, the weather, so what do you do for a living etc. Those are great and necessities, but in addition to that, the fun is in mixing it up and being playful by ADDING. That‟s the point you reach when you become friends with somebody anyway, so why not think from the end and start the random fun now? I‟m sure our self-consciousness and reservations hold us back from ever exploring beyond those points, not unless social lubricant is involved or we are in comfort and high energy with our friends. So what improvisation does is loosen you up to be more receptive and accepting. You‟re not concerned anymore with saying the “right thing”. You REACT spontaneously to what is given to you, run with it, and then have the CREATIVITY and PLAYFULNESS to mix things up. It sounds aloof, but it is really all about giving yourself permission to let go of any restraints and hesitations, ones which make you unable to interact fully. Improvisation is about CREATING CHOICE. 54 | T H E I M P R O V A P P R O A C H

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE Once you believe that you can react to ANYTHING you are given, and you can do it without fear of running out of things to say AND the fear of knowing what to say- then you develop a high level of social confidence. You are no longer on the back foot trying to figure out the situation. You just go with it, adding and reacting as you go.

So what makes an improviser? TRAITS FOR AN IMPROV ATTITUDE Developing an improviser mindset can be a challenging road for some people. It requires you to let go of your inhibitions and break your normal way of thinking. You are going to take on new mental habits. You are going to look at the road you always go down, and purposefully do anything BUT go down it. It‟s going to free you from what you always believed was “normal routine”. Rather than waiting for things to happen, you are going to take the initiative and give them a try and run with it. It‟s giving you permission to make mistakes. And the mistakes do not matter because you do not stay there wrapped up criticising yourself. That mistake is once again something you REACT to. Traits are just long lists of labels. To fully appreciate them, you have to have the beliefs behind them. Because if you look at confidence- you can‟t be confident until you BELIEVE you are capable and know what you are doing, then you suddenly act with confidence and certainty.

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IMPROV INTERACTIONS From the previous chapter you understood how change happens. These traits and beliefs are something for you to work towards to LOOSEN YOU UP enough to improvise. Apply these beliefs and perspectives…and you will find yourself suddenly acting with a much more flexible and, dare I say, fearless approach.

ACCEPTANCE An improviser accepts what they are given. They do not wait for perfect opportunities, and they do not shy away from situations they are thrown in to. Socially, this means you feel comfortable with everybody and anybody. It doesn‟t matter if they are alone, in a pair, in a huge group, can‟t talk English…you accept the situation right in front of you. When you accept it, it gives you a chance to play within it. Your mental energy will not be focused on “If only…” Acceptance gives you control. You learn to go on your own frame of reference rather than stepping back and waiting. It allows you to take on any risks and consequences you may think you will have to face. There is no point in hoping for perfect situations. There is also no point in trying to plan out a conversation, or even thinking the worst if you initiate something. RULE: Accept what you are given, and work with it.

SPONTANEITY WITH LITTLE RESTRAINT During your interactions, you may always feel a need to bite your tongue. Screw it. 56 | T H E I M P R O V A P P R O A C H

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE

Spontaneity is defined as the act of going on your natural instincts without restraint. Why should you bite your tongue? In everyday life, why should you say “no” to taking that class you walked passed earlier? Allowing yourself to be spontaneous helps you by giving you options. Socially, being spontaneous means having the balls to just go with it. Shift the thoughts of “that‟s stupid” or “who the hell would go with that?” and throw it out there. You‟ll understand in a later chapter how it helps to fill in awkward silences, or have a playful experience, or do something new and different together. You should thrive off of spontaneity- it creates experiences and reactions. Your inner critic has a lot to answer for. It prevents you from being spontaneous at times, if you let it. It doesn‟t mean going totally out of left field and doing extreme things. It simply means you do not automatically shut yourself down. Whenever your inner critic pipes in- tell it to shut the hell up. RULE: Kill the inner critic and be spontaneous.

WHY NOT? Shutting up the inner critic is the most important, yet most challenging thing to achieve. So ask yourself this question, “Why NOT do it?” What is wrong with being spontaneous and diverging from routine?

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IMPROV INTERACTIONS Yeah sure, you‟re on a meeting with the big boss. Does that mean you have to watch EVERY single you move you make? Does it mean you have to stay away from funny comments in case he thinks you are a dumbass? You are on a date with a girl. Why not have a thumb war with her to decide who picks the dessert? When she is having a giggle fit, why not throw her on the floor and shout “MEDIC!”? You see, we can shy away from these kinds of actions when we restrain ourselves. But why not go with it? It opens up a world of opportunity for you. And people warm to these kinds of people. It communicates a high level of confidence because you are in effect taking the lead. RULE: When in doubt, ask “Why not?”

DIVERGENT THINKERPLAYFULNESS

CREATIVITY

AND

Creativity does not always mean grab a pot of paint and do a picture or perform a riff melody. Creativity is making possibilities with what you have available to you. So while you are in a conversation, ask yourself what you can do differently. If you are just stood around, ask them to walk with you somewhere. Go sit in a bar for a quick drink. Take the lead of the situation. Our minds tend to work in a linear fashion when we are in a social scenario. That prevents anything being added to the interaction. We get trapped into loops on a topic, or we feel we have nothing to say because we answer strictly to what they asked us. Example- “what do you do for a living?”. Answer the question, then add about your dream job and ambitions. Or make it up58 | T H E I M P R O V A P P R O A C H

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE you‟re the metal detector guy at the airport- and impress them with your “beep” sound. We are constantly in an action and reaction mode. Give yourself permission to ADD something different. It‟s often ends up being a humorous tangent that ends with laughter. What can you do differently to get away from the obvious routine? RULE: Give yourself permission to be playful and creative.

BREAK THE RULES Look at me giving you rules and then telling you to go against them. But breaking the rules is the background message of this book. Everything I offer you does not have to be taken as the ONLY suggestion. We cannot be creative if we rely on staying safe and within boundaries. We have to take leaps and try out new things. Thus, we cannot improvise in our lives if we are constantly reminding ourselves of what we cannot do. Pee into the wind. The only thing that will hold you back will be the perceptions of others and your own inner criticisms and doubt. To apply it socially means to not be restrained by your own mental limitations. Break your own rules of what you believe will pass off as un-acceptable and get negative reactions. When you do, you will venture far beyond what you believed you could do. You will challenge your own beliefs. 59 | T H E I M P R O V A P P R O A C H

IMPROV INTERACTIONS

RULE: Go beyond your own limitations.

COMMIT TO THE MOMENT All of these traits require you to go beyond your own comfort. And the temptation arises where you go back on what you say or what you intended to do. There is a rule of thumb when you are drunk- Always do sober what you said you would do while you were drunk. It‟ll teach you to keep your mouth shut. We have loads of ideas when are drunk. Imagine the things you would do if you ACTUALLY did them. Every option seems possible because we are not conscious enough to have any logical reasoning. You don‟t have to be drunk, but you do have to commit. When you say something, don‟t just say “Oh, it doesn‟t matter”. If you have an idea, say it- and stick to it. It doesn‟t mean you will do EVERYTHING that you say. The only reason to commit is that you are BURNING BRIDGES. An actor cannot play a part unless they truly step into the skin of their character. They may not be a murderer in their actual lives or a rapist- but their character may require them to take part in those actions of killing and raping. How do they do that? They commit to it. Commitment brings out your resilience. You cannot always back pedal and take everything back. That‟s too safe, and too easy. If you are disciplined and commit yourself to your actions and brain-farts, you will find you being in situations where you truly have to think on your feet. 60 | T H E I M P R O V A P P R O A C H

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE And you will learn to love it when you know you can handle it. RULE: Don’t back pedal. Always commit to the situation you are in.

WRAPPING UP Improvising demands having a collection of skills, but overallit is an attitude. As you progress through this book, the notion of improvising will become clearer to you. It requires us to understand that we live in an unpredictable world, especially socially. We never know how people will react or who we may come across. But rather than shying away from situations until we have a feeling of certainty, we instead believe in our ability to improvise and think on our feet. We brush away any ideas of restraint or criticism, and we open ourselves to a world of options and possibility. When you fully internalize improvising as an attitude, then you have the traits and ability to not be fearful anymore of unknown situations. It doesn‟t mean you take on everything and anything, but you do notice you have more enthusiasm in your life. And with people, your interactions go beyond safe and simple. You learn to have fun with it while being more expressive. You free your mind and let yourself flow with others, rather than being that quiet guy on the side.

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IMPROV INTERACTIONS THE IMPROV APPROACH SUMMARY - Improvising is an overall attitude and approach to life and social situations. - It is a way to embrace the possibility of the unknown and think on your feet whilst staying in the moment.

BELIEFS AND FRAME FOR IMPROVISING 1) Accept and use what you are in, rather than waiting for a perfect situation. 2) Override your inner critic and go with your thoughts/instincts. React to them. 3) Ask “Why not?” 4) Be playful and creative. Be different so you can add something new. 5) Break the rules and limitations. Test and try out. It‟s how you get experience. 6) Commit to the moment, so you are able to react to it and what you are given. - Improv is a feeling and not about specific lines and methods to save you. - It becomes natural with experience, when you get used to the feelings and overcome your inhibitions

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PART TWO INSIDE INTERACTIONS

Understanding the structure and techniques on how to interact and converse.

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE

CHAPTER 4 BUILDING A LIFESTYLE A lifestyle is about you, your time, and your dreams/ambitions. We can’t all live interesting and extravagant lives- but we can make the most of it…

„What have you been up to?‟ How do you answer that question? If you are sat at home most of your day with nothing but the remote to keep you company then it‟s quite difficult to gain any kind of social life. “Duh”, I hear you exclaim. But it‟s not just about your social life. It‟s also about your own personal wellbeing. We are designed to be an active species. Our ancestors were hunters and workers. Food and shelter was something you had to search for and maintain. Nowadays, that lifestyle has flaked away to a point where everything is easily accessible with one click. Often people like to abuse that luxury to where they have no REAL stimulation in their lives. You need stimulation

Whether it is through being in the presence of other people or some form of physical/creative exertion. We need hobbies interests and pastimes to keep us occupied. It‟s even better when you can combine the two- where you can be around people WHILE doing your interests. That is probably why being at home on a computer playing games isn‟t very attractive. It‟s a kind of hobby that contributes 68 | B U I L D I N G A L I F E S T Y L E

IMPROV INTERACTIONS nothing to your life. There is nothing wrong with it because it is relaxing. However, at the end you have nothing to show for it except stronger thumbs. It‟s not like pumping some iron, or learning to draw/paint, playing the guitar etc. Having a lifestyle is all about being involved in activities which contribute to your life and mix it up a bit. It‟s all about answering the questions: What have you been up to? How do you spend your time? Done anything new lately?

This book is intended to be about social interactions, and I understand gaining a lifestyle can be difficult for people who suffer from social anxiety. It‟s hard to even think about going out there and doing something new which involves people. Overcoming anxiety is no easy task. You can prepare for it all you want and “psyche” yourself up to do something, but the anxiety cannot be controlled unless you are ACTUALLY in the moment and process of action. Anxiety is a state just like any other emotion. It can become immobilising if you decide not to confront it and work on controlling it in the moment. It is a contextual state. Some situations you don‟t feel it at all. It comes and goes depending on the triggers and your internal dialogue. So this requires persistence to put yourselves in uncomfortable situations. As I said in the „Social Attitude‟ chapter, the keys to change are REPETITION and EMOTIONAL INTENSITY. You can‟t gain any of those if you constantly avoid the situations. Building a lifestyle with any kind of constant anxiety will be difficult, so it is always best to start small. Make a list of situations that make you anxious. Then order the list, by putting the LEAST anxious at the top, and build up slowly working towards the others. 69 | B U I L D I N G A L I F E S T Y L E

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE It‟s time to get some experience in your life. Or if you‟re already in a healthy position, then it‟s time to bring MORE experience into your life. But first things first… WHAT YOU NEED FOR A LIFESTYLE Your lifestyle is a reflection of your attitude and what you value the most. Laziness is a lifestyle choice because it is a way of living and being. On the other end of the scale, so is success. And success is determined by the actions you take consistently within the time that you have. So what‟s involved in a lifestyle?

INCOME AND INDEPENDANCE A lot of our ventures in life demand a price to pay. Even sitting in with your buddies can cost a bit in the alcohol department. We can‟t really complain- money is survival. If we weren‟t doing that, we‟d be out hunting and gathering. Thus, to enjoy a glamorous and packed lifestyle, we need a source of income. I.e. A job or business. Your career can also reflect your value. I wouldn‟t recommend just settling in to any old job. Be determined and decide what career it is you actually want to do. If you do what you love, then the money comes from it in abundance because of your passion for it. It may be a slow start but hey- it‟s worth it. Your career and work is your source of income. From that income you then gain your independence. You now have a choice on how you wish to use that money. Most may use it to go on nights out. Others will save it. Some will apply it to doing the things they love to do. Use it wisely.

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IMPROV INTERACTIONS I would dive in deeper to this topic but I believe finances could take up another book. But it is common sense to try and do what you love, gain money from it, and work towards full independence.

A SOCIAL NETWORK I said it in the introduction- people are your source to everything in life. Your network usually consists of family, friends and your lover. Obviously the amount of each varies from person to person. But without people, where would you be able to go? Who could you talk to? What experiences could you have? Who‟d bail you out of prison? How would you discover new thoughts and ideas? To get a social network you need to be in proximity of people. Nobody will knock you up and drag your ass out the front door. You have to be active in this social pursuit. Get up, and go to places where you can interact. We shouldn‟t resign ourselves to solitary confinement.

ACTIVITIES How a man spends his time defines his life. And the truth people often overlook is- time is constant for everybody. The same hour for me is the same 60 minutes for you. It is how we FILL this time that defines our lifestyle. It‟s always best to try and make the most of your time. I do realise however it is not often that easy to do. We may lack in the resources or we are constantly busy with other commitments. But the whole point of the „improviser attitude‟ is to work with what you have. Listen to good ol‟ Teddy Roosevelt:

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Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.

A great skill in time management is to combine activities together. You can use your own creativity for this because only you know what you have to manage. But let‟s say you have children to look after- don‟t stay in the house with them. Go to a park or doing some other outside activity. If you have to go pay some bills in town, invite a friend to come along with you. Instead of going to the same place every weekend, try out somewhere different- a new restaurant or bar. These ideas are simple, and you may be a person who desires to do more with their life. For that you obviously need resources. Money, time, freedom of travel etc, which is my next point…

YOUR AMBITIONS, WANTS AND DESIRES Your lifestyle all starts with the thoughts of ambition. What is it you want to do and accomplish with your life? The goals you define could be small. The activities you choose to do, they do not have to be grandiose. Just have ideas and thoughts about what it is you want to do and aim for. It‟s those thoughts which catapult you into actually DOING something about it- if you have the vision, belief and strong enough motivation. The more vividly you feel this desire, the more your gut will niggle at you to actually do something about it. Ambition and desire are what make you want to advance further and take action (activity). You believe there is much more to be done than sitting and waiting.

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IMPROV INTERACTIONS Even just thinking about these things may put you into a negative state. - What can I do? There is nothing around me. - I can‟t do anything. I don‟t have … - What‟s the point? I‟m comfortable as I am anyway. All of the statements maybe valid, but be honest with yourselfAre they valid? We can close off a lot of opportunities and paths just by being closed minded. We can automatically think there is no point in searching for anything.

HAVE AN OPEN MIND Coming back to the “stuck in a regular routine” point- It‟s crucial you have an open mind to expand your horizons. Let‟s take the example of being stood at a magazine rack. Magazines are filled with information about all types of interests. Then the interests are split into men and women groups. Women divert to more crafts, psychology and diets. Men‟s interests are more about cars, sexy girls and getting buff. There are also the other interests such as photography, gardening, sport and music etc. Go to a bigger magazine rack and you‟ll find an even bigger array of interests. Question: Do you only zone yourself in on one magazine? I was a magazine recluse. I only delved into the obvious ones like FHM. And even then I skipped over the sections I didn‟t want to read on like fashion. Apply this habit to the internet, newspapers, books and TV. Do you stick to the same channels? Do you browse the same websites over and over? Do you even READ the newspaper? Media is a big source of information in our life, which is why I‟m using it as an example. With all of these channels and sites and papers at our fingertips, we can still find ourselves limited to only a select few areas of interest. It‟s very closed off and routine. 73 | B U I L D I N G A L I F E S T Y L E

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE This is where the open mind comes in. Having an open mind means you can AT LEAST divert your eyes to other interests. It‟s about expanding yourself and feeding your curiosity, even if it is a quick scan of something completely out of your realm on what‟s interesting. Because when you apply this approach to people, it‟s easy to take that stubbornness within everyday conversation. Them: I love photography. Just capturing the moment in a sna… You: Yeh yeh yeh, back to me and my weightlifting. It says I need better posture for my squats and…

But being open does not mean faking it to be an encyclopaedia and wealth of knowledge. Just expand your horizons with a curious and open attitude. See what else is out there. Even if it only sparks off an idea in you for a little while- Idea‟s are powerful. You won‟t be able to create any if you stick to a closed off routine. It not only applies to media and what you choose to read. It applies to what kind of things you enjoy doing. What kind of actions you are willing to try. When you walk past an advertisement for salsa dancing class and you fancy it, go in and sign up. So those are the typical requirements for a lifestyle: - Income and Independence - Social Network and People - Activities, Hobbies and Interests - Ambitions and Desires - An Open Mind Now focus on the actions you can take to get them…

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IMPROV INTERACTIONS GET OUT OF THE HOUSE This is your most basic of actions. It doesn‟t matter even if you do anything, just get out. Don‟t sit down for half an hour watching TV. Instead, go for a walk. If you have a dog (or a cat I suppose) even better- take them with you. Mix it up by going jogging. If you‟re not too self-conscious, go to a local café or out for a quiet drink. Yes, on your lonesome. Grab yourself a drink and read a book or the newspaper. The concept is simple- just be out of the house. You don‟t have to interact or push yourself to be social. It‟s about getting accustomed to a social presence, and who knows what could happen to you during the day. Who could you bump in to? Who would you meet? What opportunity could you walk past? You may not fancy doing anything. You may be in a comfort zone where you feel set in your ways. But I‟ve heard so many people complain about how their life sucks because it is so boring. You ask them what they do, and they just say, “I don‟t know. Watch TV till somebody calls me up I guess”. Be active! TAKE UP HOBBIES AND ACTIVITIES Your immediate thoughts on hobbies and activities may be “I‟m not interested in anything. Nothing appeals to me”. This comes back to being open minded. I‟m sure there are many hobbies and activities your ears have pricked up to, but you probably shrugged it off in a passive manner. A lot of the time people pass up hobbies/interests because they feel nothing will come of them. Or the prospect of actually turning it into a career is daunting and some what impossible. When we were kids we had the freedom to try out anything. When we got out of our shells of childhood we were burdened with actually having to DO something with our lives. As kids we 75 | B U I L D I N G A L I F E S T Y L E

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE could spend hours drawing and painting, trying to sing, building models etc. Then we were suddenly hit with the pressure, “Do well at school. Get onto the right course. Find a decent job” Those days of taking up interests became a thing of the past. We begin to believe we have no time to spend on creative ventures. “What‟s the point? I‟m too old” We prefer distraction over action. That new program on TV looks awfully appealing compared to sitting down and doing something to improve yourself for half an hour. Hobbies are not always creative. I define a hobby as something to take you away – A release.

After a long day at work or college, nothing beats being able to sit down, relax and do nothing. But this is why it is important you REFRAME to the idea that your activities ARE your relaxation. Cooking is an activity. Instead of grabbing one of those micro meals, take the time and go through the process yourself. Take it further and cook a meal for friends/family. DIY is an activity. Go around and find new additions you can add to your crib. Go shopping to some DIY place for inspiration. Learn how to fix that door which is hanging off its last hinge. It helps if your hobbies/activities are productive. What do I mean by productive? Well, they contribute to your life socially, physically, mentally and emotionally. Also, you‟re learning something through them which is adding to your arsenal of “how to” skills and improving your confidence.

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IMPROV INTERACTIONS Hobbies are there to add value to your life and give you an escape/freedom. Some people even claim their business is their hobby. All that is asked of you is you do not keep your hobbies purely to yourself. Get involved and involve others

If you are learning the guitar, take it to the stage. Write poetry? Push yourself to do a recital at some poetry night. You do art? Convert it into posters and sell them. And you don‟t have to go to a college or university to take your hobby to an „advanced‟ level. Do it yourself and go at your own pace- NO PRESSURE! There are always a number of classes and mini-courses to attend. Personally, I think they are sometimes a stretch on the ol‟ wallet. But if they are of interest to you and significant, then it‟s worth it. In short, develop something about you. Your hobbies help to structure your own personal identity. And you don‟t go blank when you are asked the question, “So what do you like to do in your spare time?” ARRANGE TO MEET PEOPLE YOU KNOW This is more direct than just getting out of the house. This is about taking the time within your social circle to meet up. Simply, ring up/email/text/smoke signal, whichever is your preferred method of communication- and ask to meet up and do something. It could be as simple as just going around to their house or them coming over to yours. Content doesn‟t really matter, although doing an activity is always best. 77 | B U I L D I N G A L I F E S T Y L E

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE Bear in mind that others also have lives as well. Trying to find a suitable time and location for you and somebody else can be a stretch of the imagination. It‟s not a bad idea though if you take the initiative and make a move. Most people generally like to group together in some regular location. Ask where they are and go meet them there. Our pride can make us feel “why the hell should I do all the hard work?” Screw it. You‟re doing things the improv way. It‟s an experience for you to try out new places. Go make an appearance and be social. You‟ll also find other people there to interact with. WRAPPING UP I do not know your current situation or what you have available to you. I have written this chapter with the assumption that some readers will have nothing to work with, so I tried to compensate for that. Even if you have no resources to work with, your lifestyle is defined by what you are willing to do. You may have an abundance of opportunities around you, but your self-talk keeps telling you “…but it‟s going to be hard. It‟s not worth it” On the flip side, your current lifestyle at the moment could be making you too busy for anything else. For those of you who have that problem, I am venturing blind into offering you advice. I do not know how much you can juggle around your present situation. But have a look at your free time. We all have it at some point. If you would prefer to relax for 3 hours on a night by doing nothing- then change that habit. Find a different way to relax. All this boils down to is you assessing your own lifestyle habits right now. What are you doing with your time? How regularly do you do new things and meet new people? How often do you go and experience new places and new activities? How far have you ventured out? 78 | B U I L D I N G A L I F E S T Y L E

IMPROV INTERACTIONS Some things may not be doable due to your location or circumstances. Go back to the beginning… What do you have available to you right now?

But BE HONEST with yourself. A negative and pessimistic attitude can cut off a lot of viable options for you. If you have available classes to go to but you‟re worried about the new people/social aspect of it, then you need to work on overcoming that mental block. Turn your life into a story and have some experiences. BUILDING A LIFESTYLE SUMMARY - Building a lifestyle means filling in your time and having ambitions to work towards. You get busy and occupy yourself with stimulation and experiences.

WHAT YOU NEED FOR A LIFESTYLE 1) Income and Independence, via career, own space, transport etc 2) A social network 3) Activities and hobbies 4) Ambitions, wants, ideas and desires 5) An open mind to expand your horizons and try out new things. - Get yourself out of the house and around social venues and public places. - Find hobbies and interests. It is better if you can combine this with a social aspect. - Put your hobbies and activities on show. Demonstrate your value and mingle with like minded people. 79 | B U I L D I N G A L I F E S T Y L E

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- Meet people you already know. Tie up loose ends and drifted off friendships. Catch up with people you haven‟t seen in a while. Then find new places to get some new experiences. - Find local events in your town or ones you wish to go to. Have a little brainwave and COMMIT to it. See where it takes you. - Use whatever is available to you. - If your time is taken up, switch some activities for other ones. Take something along with you on your travels. We spend far too long on cars and buses not to take advantage of it.

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CHAPTER 5 MAKING AN IMPRESSION We can all pass each other like ships in the night. So how do we convert normal chit-chat into investment? I was in two minds about whether to use „making an impression‟ or „making a connection‟. Through some retrospective thinking and meditation- I came to the conclusion that saying „Connection‟ would have led you down the wrong path. Connection to me implies you are going out of your way to make long lasting friendships and relationships. That would give an unrealistic expectation. A connection would have put you in the mindset of having to spend a long time with people and trying to get to know them. It would appear you will have to do all of the work and it becomes one sided. However, IMPRESSION gives you a different initial social goal. You will find most people you meet will fall into an „acquaintance‟ friendship. And that‟s fine. But CONNECTION would have you believe you can‟t just leave it at that. Creating an impression is about you being social, and as a result of using the techniques in this book- you become a person people feel secure and confident to be interactive with. It then becomes a twosided friendship. You have to have a good impression first to open the doors for a connection.

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Your goal is not to chase or connect. Your goal is to interact and leave an impression.

GOING BEYOND HELLO I‟ve touched on the principle that everybody you know now was once a stranger to you. They probably entered your life in many ways, so it‟s difficult to generalise how interactions usually occur. But I do believe that how an interaction unfolds and develops does have a method. Throughout our lives we have probably bumped into dozens of people who have crossed paths with us. Most of them fall into the category of acquaintances, whereby we don‟t feel a necessity to go out of our way for them. We‟re even lucky if we can remember their name the next time we see them. We all have social defences. So taking it beyond “hello” can be quite tricky. We come across those blocks in conversation- where it is silence and no reciprocation etc. So the main question is: How do we let people feel secure with us and allow them to interact?

The goal is to make people want to continue the interaction with you. It relies on your presence…your vibe...and your conversational skills. It‟s the impression that lets people assess what kind of person you are. If I was an egotistical prick with an “I am the Omega baby” attitude- that comes across in my presence, and I highly doubt many people would want to get to know me. My vibe and presence would be something nobody WANTS to gravitate to. I may not be an ego prick- but that‟s the IMPRESSION I put out. 83 | M A K I N G A N I M P R E S S I O N

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE The same also applies to being shy and reserved. If you are always hesitant and quiet, people find it difficult to interact with you, so they too shy away from it. I will explain later what constitutes as a welcoming and comfortable presence and vibe. But even if your presence and vibe is in check- it then relies on how good you are with actually interacting with the person. Your goal is to HELP people interact with you.

You have to create openings and draw them in. It‟s a rule of improv that you have to bring out the best in the other person. It‟s not about getting “one-up” over anybody. When it is done right then they will be obliged to reciprocate back in the same manner and ask about you. In a social setting you are creating an interaction. It‟s a back and forth game where the openings encourage the other person to open up and share with you. Openings are things like you expressing yourself with a mini-story about an experience etc. From the initial impression and personal interaction you are no longer strangers. The connection between you both then slowly begins to develop. With some people we do not want to escalate the friendship, and that‟s fine. We are quite content just seeing them in passing. With others, we feel the connection so we try to meet up and talk on a regular basis. As I mentioned, it relies on your impression first to allow people to interact with you. LEVELS OF CONNECTION It‟s amazing how we unconsciously put people into categories after we have spent time with them. In fact, we may have put somebody into a category, but then after a certain experience or the 84 | M A K I N G A N I M P R E S S I O N

IMPROV INTERACTIONS opportunity to spend more time with them- we bump them up the list a bit. The categories can be seen as the way in which we define who is most important in our lives. It‟s nothing set in stone, but it is a little way to define levels of value.

1) ACQUAINTANCE An acquaintance is somebody who you don‟t go out of your way for. If you see them in passing, then you will give them a quick hello. You were probably introduced by a friend or had a quick conversation one time. They don‟t play much of a part in your life.

2) FRIEND The friend is one you spend time with. This could be through proximity because you spend all day with them at work or college. On a night you ring to meet up for a few drinks. You have good times and share a few laughs. Chances are that when you advance into a different place, you slowly drift off into another social circle, but you still try to keep in touch now and again catching up.

3) LONG TERM/CLOSE FRIEND A long term friend is not defined by the length of time you have known them. You could know them for only a few months, but you both click and connect so well that you have a lot of time for each other. Even if you venture away you still try and keep in touch. You‟re at a point where you feel comfortable and can tell them almost anything.

4) LOVER The usual case is “bros before hoes”, but I‟ll put this category above close friend anyway. The reason being is that with a lover you have intimacy together. Truth is, once relationships break they are very hard to get back to the beginning. The quote “If you want somebody as a lover, you have to risk losing them completely” rings 85 | M A K I N G A N I M P R E S S I O N

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE a bell. Once you lose them as a lover, the friendship slowly drifts away with it. You can keep being close friends if you are both mature.

5) FAMILY Family values seem to be messed up nowadays. We may complain we are distant and not close, but at times when the shit hits the fan- it shows how much we care. Again, family runs along a parallel to a friendship. Even when we develop a strong enough connection with a person, we like to relate to them as a brother or a sister anyway. It is a level of closeness connection and comfort which separates them from everybody else. Your family circle will be small, but much more important to you than you probably realise. The categories are not of grandiose importance, but it is helpful to understand the levels of connection you have with certain people. It helps you consider your social circle and wonder if your life revolves around only acquaintances or drink buddies. Nearly everybody loves the „Friends‟ sitcom situation, having all close friends in a tight circle. Sometimes in unfortunate circumstances, we find out that we invested all our time and energy in the wrong people- the takers and leeches in our life. We believed they were close friends- but once we all moved on, the friendship soon goes with it. Your social instinct will become more in tune as you develop. BEING DIFFERENT FROM RAPPORT Connection is often associated with the word „Rapport‟. To me, rapport is simply comfort, and I can be comfortable with many acquaintances. The conversation could flow, and I could find out they have the same interests as me- but that still does not create a connection. Rapport is a PART of being connected. A connection needs more than reciprocation. Reciprocation is a necessity which builds naturally through curiosity. 86 | M A K I N G A N I M P R E S S I O N

IMPROV INTERACTIONS But it is an enigma how we can be around people who share similar interests to us and have a similar background, yet we still don‟t feel a sense of really being connected, to the point where you feel “we really do get along”. So what‟s the difference if it‟s not comfort? What are the main parts to creating a LASTING impression that goes beyond being an acquaintance?

MAKING A CONNECTION WITH STRANGERS Initially you go through the motions of “getting to know you”. We ask questions to discover their name, what they do, where do they go for fun etc. We try to seek out some common ground (rapport) with which we can zone in on our similarities. Rapport works wonders at keeping the conversation going. In rare but fortunate circumstances we can even come across somebody who we totally vibe with from the get go. It ends up being a situation where you are both finishing each others sentences. There is no effort on either part, it just feels right. In that moment it‟s not the comfort that creates the deeper connection. I‟m going to border the line of “mushy” here, especially because we are men (cough spit) - but what builds the connection is… SHARING, INVITATION AND INVESTMENT Sharing is what makes or breaks a long-term connection with another person. In that conversation where you are both in sync with each other, you are sharing a moment where it feels like you‟ve stepped inside each others heads. It creates an alarming “whoa” at first, but it‟s soon followed up by a shared laugh. We are all in search for people who are similar to us. That experience of synchronicity certifies that you‟ve found somebody as 87 | M A K I N G A N I M P R E S S I O N

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE nutty as you are. Then you can‟t help but laugh together about it. It‟s almost like sharing the same psyche or at least it appears that way. We have all had many experiences in our lives, but it is the ones that are shared which become the most memorable to us. Those shared moments create a feeling of unison between you and somebody else, whether it‟s something as little as shared laughter, to being in a 6-man brawl with only plastic spoons for your arsenal. Unison is the whole point of sharing and inviting the other person to join you.

It‟s important you take those small steps of initiation because people tend to feel so separated from others. We need memories and experiences. CREATING UNISON Think of a guy who is in search for a girlfriend. He searches around and says “I‟ve been introduced to a few girls but nothing special stands out”. The poor guy tries in vain, only to realise that to get a girlfriendhe has to actually initiate with her! He is the type who never approaches a girl to talk to her, or he never invites her out to get to know her better and hint at his interest. He expected it all to happen naturally without any investment. Investment is the key. Even if it is a simple invite: You: Let’s not stand around here. Let’s go grab a coffee and we can talk there…

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IMPROV INTERACTIONS It‟s not the “both liking coffee” what is creating the deeper connection. It is the bouncing to another location together that implies you are both investing in each other. In other words, your invitation suggests you like spending time with them (you invest your time). Actions DO speak louder than words. So ask yourself how much you put yourself out there with other people. How much do you invest? Time wise, interest wise etc

The only difficulty is making the first step. We wouldn‟t want to embarrass ourselves by making a suggestion and having it backfire, leaving you stood there looking like a lemon. More often than not we both wait. It always requires somebody to take the lead and initiate. SHARING YOURSELF And it‟s not just about sharing experiences and memories. It involves sharing and expressing who you are. There is something comforting when somebody decides to confide in you about their character and skeletons in their closet. It could be something from their past or a character flaw. It could be vulnerability, like both getting drunk and seeing them fall over and make a tit out of themselves in front of a girl. Usually, the more embarrassing it is, the more relaxed you feel being in their presence. Humour is simply stripping us of our ego and sharing our vulnerabilities so others can realize, “I can relax with this person. They mess up, so I can too.” Our bonds are created when we can openly tell the other person about our life without any fear of shame or judgment. Now that‟s a tough plunge to take. We fear our experiences will be too embarrassing and not fully appreciated. They will be mocked rather than respected. 89 | M A K I N G A N I M P R E S S I O N

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE But look at comedy. Nearly everybody LOVES comedy. For me, comedy is about taking everyday experiences and embarrassments and sharing them with an audience. And the stories are told in a “guess what‟s happened to me” fashion. Then when we realise WE go through the exact same thing, we share a moment and we laugh together. Rather than seeing your life, thoughts and fears as something to hide- instead, begin to share them with other people.

You feel no fear and no shame. It doesn‟t mean jump in within five minutes and talk about your bowel movements. But it is about FEELING. Express how you feel, what you think and what you have done. Then the other person will be taking one step closer to you, feeling they can do the same with you. SHARING AND INVESTMENT WITH ANXIETY Putting yourself out there can be a daunting feeling if you have social anxiety. The uncomfortable sensations don‟t allow you to continue interacting with people. If you do meet somebody, it is more than likely going to be a one off thing, because you know you probably won‟t invest any further. It‟s usually a catch-22 in this situation. You wish you could be around friends and new people, but your hesitation to share and invest cuts you off. And with them not reinitiating with you, you feel you have done something wrong or they thought “Oh God. They were awful”, and that gives you another seemingly negative reference. It‟s an internal struggle. Try not to feel as though you are doing everything wrong. People are not turning their back on you or thinking the worst. They just had no investment on your part and it can make it difficult to interact. Focus on building up to reach this point. It may feel uncomfortable at first, but it overcomes the catch-22 situation of feeling as though people reject you. 90 | M A K I N G A N I M P R E S S I O N

IMPROV INTERACTIONS WRAPPING UP If you want to make a lasting impression with somebody and not be a fart in the wind- create moments and memories of unison. Bring them along to events; Invite them to meet up; go do something new together; bring them to your house or go to theirs. It is about investment, and you are investing your time and on some level saying, “I‟d like to spend time with you”. People feel comfort in that. Offer yourself by commenting on your experiences and your emotions. Don‟t be afraid to open up and share yourself because it is that which gives the other person a green light to share back. They feel safe in investing. We are all closed off from other people. It often takes somebody with a bit of bottle to take the initiative. If neither of you invests, then you cannot build a connection which goes beyond hello. MAKING AN IMPRESSION SUMMARY - Rather than chasing to find a quick connection and commonality, start to establish an actual interaction. - Your aim is to work it so that you are not ships in the night. That happens by making a positive impression, investing and sharing yourself. Unison. - Ask yourself, how much are you investing in the other person? If you are not investing, then you are not creating a connection. - Do small acts like inviting or asking to spend some time and go out. - Share yourself through expression. Tell stories. Don‟t hide your vulnerabilities. Expose yourself- your ideas, your thoughts, your opinions etc.

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CHAPTER 6 SOURCES FOR CONVERSATION Conversation is communication. We don’t want to sit quietly without anything to say. But what do we talk about? A big fear for people who struggle socially is they will run out of things to say. That’s the part where having an active lifestyle comes in. If you are sat at home and not exposing yourself to experiences and the world, then it’s no wonder you struggle for things to talk about. But the reality is we cannot depend on interesting experiences ALL the time to strike up conversations. Our lives are probably mundane in comparison to being able to fly off to travel the world and do all of the extreme adrenaline junkie activities. We are probably working a 9-5 office job, coming home and relaxing until the next day. How can you possibly create a worthwhile conversation? OVERCOMING THE MENTAL BLOCK Do you feel a pressure to be interesting and believe what you have to say is boring? If you are burdened with such thoughts then it is not about what you say that is the problem. It is purely the perception you have of yourself that is getting in the way. Hopefully what I had to say about attitude and mindset triggered off some positivity and confidence, because the people 92 | S O U R C E S F O R C O N V E R S A T I O N

IMPROV INTERACTIONS who do feel pressure socially tend to have a complex about being boring. There is an internal nagging inside their heads which keeps re-enforcing the idea that what they are saying is just noise. It’s because of the complex that they can look at the other person’s body signals and COMPLETELY misinterpret them. If they see their head down for a few brief seconds, they will most likely interpret it as them wanting to excuse themselves to the bathroom soon so they can run away. A LITTLE EXERCISE FOR YOU I’m giving you permission to be nosy. That’s right. If you feel you have this pressure to stop be boring- then go out by yourself. And when you are on the bus, or sat on a bench, or walking down the street- prick up your ears and listen to other people’s conversations. When you do, you will begin to notice there is NO evidence of people being extremely interesting and living high-flying lifestyles. They’ll probably be conversing about work, or about their boyfriend or girlfriend…sports…their enema last week (seriously, it crops up more than you think). I’m talking in extreme terms here, but they are not talking about their trek along the planes of Africa or their brief encounter with Tom Cruise when they were on the film set making tea. They are talking about everyday life

And if you have a complex about trying not to be boring, then your idea of what is interesting is a bit too high. Life is, more often than not, basic.

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There is only one necessity that can be asked of you, and that is for you to be expressive about YOUR life.

In addition, if you create a colourful lifestyle for yourself, then you will have multitude of experiences to talk about. Plus, the one who talks about themselves too much is the boring one anyway. They are not receptive or interested in the other person. To be interesting you have to BE interested. That means bringing the best out of other people and encouraging them with their little stories, thoughts and opinions. We do not watch films and read books because of the fantasy lifestyles they lead. The simplistic and true-to-life stories are the ones which impact us the most. We go and explore these mediums because it is an insight into a life. It is the rollercoaster of highs and lows that captivates us. That is what we are all interested in. So do not worry too much about the content of what you say. Instead, focus on simply being expressive about your life, whilst showing an interest in the other person. CONVERSATION FROM YOUR WORLD You can talk about anything. You can talk about socks and watering cans if you really wanted to. But we all go through an unconscious screening test and wonder if those things are good to talk about, or not good to talk about. If you have the above complex of “I must be interesting dammit!”, then your unconscious screening test will be much more brutal- and you will filter out a HELL of a lot more to pipe up with. That’s where your silence and shyness happens. You limit yourself from talking. 94 | S O U R C E S F O R C O N V E R S A T I O N

IMPROV INTERACTIONS There is an abundance of conversation around you. When you expose yourself to life and people- you will see this abundance developing right in front of you. You will be given new experiences and opportunities. You will go meet up with a new friend, and he could tell you what he has been up to, and you can follow up on that (In another chapter). He’ll tell you about his interests and how he spends his time. It could be doing something completely different to what you find interesting, like the work he does fixing up cars, but you develop the interest because you are curious. The information he tells you soaks up like a sponge and you have now had an education to share with others. You flick through the news on a morning and find stories flying right and left. Click on the radio and the presenter is telling you about what they got up to last night, even if they were sat around watching TV with a bottle of wine. There is TV with even more stories to tell. Fictional stories, but stories none the less. Or they played that film you haven’t seen in a decade. The one you just love. On a whim, you decided to go bowling. You haven’t been in ages, and because you accidentally became a little bit excited- you ended up getting half a strike in the wrong lane. It’s an experience and a story to tell, no matter how embarrassing. In the moment you decided you are going to walk a different way to work. On the path you come across a new shop filled with eccentric goodies. It’s all mystical and astrological artefacts that capture your imagination. The person behind the counter is more than happy to divulge you with the history and the way in which that world works. All about people and expressing ourselves The Media and The News Experiences, Stories and Opportunities

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A GUY’S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE These are our sources for interactions- our sources for what is going on in the world and our own life. But getting the best out of these sources relies on you having the initial improviser attitude I talked about. Our lives become monotonous because we allow them to get that way.

We do not develop an attitude to go out and expose ourselves to new things around us. We automatically say no, or “Maybe someday”. Even making a small change of going from your regular spot for something to eat, you instead go try out a new place. You don’t know what they serve, but you try it anyway. It’s these small, daily acts of spontaneity that turn your “mundane” 9-5 life around. Listen to a new radio channel. Try out a new music CD. Pick up a magazine on something you have never even contemplated before. Hell, buy a woman’s magazine if you have to. Whatever way you look at it, there is a multitude of stories and experience to explore, which can all be turned into talking points. YOUR OTHER SOURCE FOR CONVERSATION There is no point in discovering all of this fresh life around you if you are not willing to talk about it. As you go through these experiences you will have your own thoughts, opinions and feelings about what you have done (inner mental blockage aside). This is the part where you develop the openness to be able to EXPRESS those inner brain farts. The question is:

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How can you construct your expression so people will listen?

I believe people are voyeuristic by nature. I believe that we like to peer in to other peoples lives and minds, not only to validate that our lives are similar and we’re on the right track ourselves, but also because we like to step out of our own little bubbles. So if you are having this new approach to life, then it is only fair to share it with other people. It is so easy to fall in to the blocks and traps of conversation that I have previously mentioned. We divert attention away and pass things off like they are not worthy to talk about. You HAVE to be expressive about your everyday life and experience. It requires an air of enthusiasm as you talk about it, but that is what makes you interesting and interactive. How does the conversation go if you stay tight-lipped? You: Hiya! Them: Oh hello! My god, how are you? What have you been up to? You: Oh nothing much. Same old, haha. How about you? Them: Same thing really. Just getting on day by day…

You’ve done nothing? Even if you have just come from the sandwich shop- THAT’S DOING SOMETHING. Mention the sandwich. It’s a lot more suggestive than doing nothing. Saying you were going to have the chicken sandwich but you remembered yesterday you decided to be a vegetarian. That opens up a new area to go in to. Or if you’ve just come off of the bus, mention the bus journey. Keep your eyes open out on the streets as you go. There will be something. Tell them that you hate buses and can’t wait to get a 97 | S O U R C E S F O R C O N V E R S A T I O N

A GUY’S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE new car. It may seem insignificant to you, but it is much better than “nothing”. What I’m suggesting is the blocks are exactly what they say on the tin- the inexpressive attitude stops the interaction. Saying “Nothing” is dead end. It doesn’t create an opening. The simple little changes can create openings, and that is what makes interactions work. You also need to find structure to your expression. For example, how to tell stories or how to take what they say and weave it into a conversation through associations. You don’t want to be the guy uhm’ing and aah’ing your way through. You want to spin a creative web of associations and flow it all in. So you need to understand: - CREATIVITY - ASSOCIATIONS - STORYTELLING Ironically (seriously, I didn’t plan this), they are skills improvisers involve in their work, which is why I am going to cover them throughout the next sections. WRAPPING UP There is an abundance of life and experience around us if we have the attitude to be spontaneous and open. The sources are there for us to exploit, but them simply being there isn’t enough. You have to be expressive and overcome your mental blocks which prevent you from being talkative. It works in the same way as comedy. We have probably experienced what a comedian has talked about, yet we never noticed or expressed it in a funny way. Like being on a plane- comedians have used air travel as a routine in comedy for years. And we have probably been on a plane ourselves experiencing the same things. Yet a comedian can structure this experience through creativity to become humorous. 98 | S O U R C E S F O R C O N V E R S A T I O N

IMPROV INTERACTIONS

So in terms of interactions- it is about expressing our life and experiences in a creative way. We experience it…have our thoughts and opinions about it…then share that with somebody else. That not only gives you associations and memories to riff off on, but you are also trying to involve others into the interaction. Right now the sources for inspiration in your everyday goings on are LIFE and YOUR EXPRESSION- ie, your thoughts, opinions, stories, memories etc. Spice it up with the skills of creativity, associations, humour and storytelling- and you’ll never be lost for words. SOURCES FOR CONVERSATION SUMMARY - People generally talk about everyday events. You do not have a pressure to be interesting, just interactive. - All you have to do is be expressive and open. Don’t cut yourself short. Say what you have been up to, what you plan on doing etc. - Be interested in them. Show your interest and add your own thoughts and opinions on it. - Lower your unconscious screening process of what you feel is okay for conversation. Go with it. - Expose yourself to new experiences. Walk new ways to work. Read new magazines. Try out new music. - Your sources are PEOPLE, MEDIA, EXPERIENCE, OPPORTUNITIES…and YOURSELF. - You can use stories, experiences, creativity and associations to add more to conversations by triggering your own memories and ideas. 99 | S O U R C E S F O R C O N V E R S A T I O N

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CHAPTER 7 STARTING INTERACTIONS You won’t be having any interactions if you don’t know how to start them. The majority of people will never come up to you, so if we want it, we have to be active… There are many fears and doubts attached to starting interactions. It‟s rare that people feel an urge to just walk up to a stranger and start a conversation. We would rather stick to what we know and wait for other people to approach us instead. But it‟s a double edged sword because we want it, and yet it won‟t happen if we are always “in a trance” (look at blocks). For interactions to happen on ANY level- you have to have an attitude of openness and receptivity. Funnily enough, rejection will always be a concern. It‟s the source of most social anxiety and it comes in all forms. Even if the person has approached you it could still hit you. Truth is, rejection is only value based. If you have your mindset and reframing handled from earlier on, then it‟s amazingly easy to brush off. And we can‟t always rely on people approaching us. It would be nice to have other people do all of the work, but even then you still have to invest yourself to create a connection. At least if you approach, you have the control of the interaction- it gives you an air of confidence. So how do interactions happen?

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IMPROV INTERACTIONS PROXIMITY If you share a prison cell with a multi-murder offender, who just so happens to be nocturnal and stay awake while you are sleeping- I think it‟s time to make a new friend. It seems like common sense telling you that to have interactions you have to ACTUALLY be around other people. But we live in a world where we believe that opportunity knocks on our door. So unfortunately, the sense is not that common. It is important to GET A LIFE to enhance your lifestyle by taking on more interests and activities. I haven‟t done any research into it, but I‟m sure that if you follow a person‟s social circle development- you‟ll find that our circles revolve around our environment. When we are in college, we have a college social circle. Jump into work, it is possible to continue being friends with some college friends- but our circle evolves into people around our work place plus our neighbours. It‟s a natural evolution. We also have venues deliberately there for social interactions. Sure, they entice us with alcohol and other social lubricants- but they are places there solely for interactions and meeting up. Including hobbies also has an added luxury of meeting people with a shared interest. It‟s already a starting point. The idea is that when you are around people long enough and often enough, interactions start to happen. It‟s like the old clichédon‟t kiss a girl by the third date, you‟re seen as gay. The same principle applies here. If you see somebody on a regular basis, iesat next to you in a class, or your new dance partner as you learn the cha-cha…you HAVE to interact. You feel compelled to start talking to them. So in a natural progression to interactions, the first “obvious” step is to BE AROUND PEOPLE. Even if it‟s a walk through the park, or going shopping on your lonesome- you get to be in the presence of the social world.

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A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE After that there are only two roads to take- they initiate a conversation with you, or you initiate a conversation with them. INITIATING AN INTERACTION Whichever way you cut it, proximity gets you into social situations- but somebody still has to make the first move. This is where most people hit a dead end. There are only three ways for interactions to happen: THEY APPROACH YOU YOU APPROACH THEM YOU ARE INTRODUCED

The miscellaneous one is if you accidentally bump into each other, but that‟s neither here nor there. We‟ll stick to the obvious first two- they approach you, and you approach them.

BEING APPROACHED- THEY APPROACH YOU First things first, you have to APPEAR approachable. I wouldn‟t like to approach somebody who appears to be doing everything within their power to avoid being approached. However, in all fairness, most of us do naturally exhibit closed off mannerisms- but it‟s nice to trim the herd. Ask yourself what kind of person looks to be approachable. I‟m giving you the benefit of the doubt here and letting you trust your instincts about body language. You observe it every single day so you will have some level of instinct about it. The type of people who are approachable exhibit OPEN and CONFIDENT gestures. A list isn‟t necessary, I‟m sure you know it when you see it, but just for verification purposes a few gestures are: 102 | S T A R T I N G I N T E R A C T I O N S

IMPROV INTERACTIONS    

Head up and facing the world Strong eye contact A warm genuine smile Body not tilting away

You know how it goes. I refuse to do a huge list because most people generally get too clingy to it as written law. The bottom line is, trust your instinct- and observe who appears to be open and receptive. By observing this type of body language, it‟s important that YOU exhibit the same types of mannerisms and gestures so that you appear open as well. Nobody will approach you if you are unconsciously tilting away and looking down whenever they try to hold eye contact with you. We know how it is with sales people. We don‟t want to be hassled by them, so we divert our body and our eyes away from them. See- all natural. Why would somebody approach you? Well… They could be wanting some spare change; wanting you to donate a kidney; signing you up for a good cause; asking for some advice/opinion; they like your tie; you stole their rubber when you was seven… People approach others for many reasons, but it is generally due to them wanting something, even if it is some help or a new friend. It sounds selfish and it is quite easy to fall into being bitter about it- but it is not all a negative want. Men approach women every single day, and I‟m sure you know why. People can approach you because there is something interesting and attractive about you. The way in which you look at it and perceive it depends on your outlook to life and people in general.

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YOU APPROACH THEM This is hard for a lot of people for different reasons. For one, we all have this evolutionary fear of REJECTION. That word can take on many forms. You can say you don‟t want to look stupid if you so wish. The excuses all boil down to the action of being rejected. Nobody wants to be shunned out, and what‟s worse it- nobody wants to be SEEN being shunned out. Intelligence tells us to look around and notice there are 6.5 billion people in this world, but our wiring is still set on a PACK mentality. Being in a pack was our ancestor‟s way of survival. If we got kicked out or blocked from a pack- we were on our own. Fortunately, it gets overcome with experience. Another reason for fear of approaching somebody is RESPONSIBILITY. Initially you are going to be met with “What are you doing here? Why the hell are you talking to me?” responses. . It‟s easy to cave and think to yourself “I‟m pissing this person off. They don‟t want me here. I should leave”. But you have a responsibility to continue the interaction. Saying hello to somebody is easy, but to actually approach them with the intention to have a bit of their time and attention adds a bit more pressure to live up to an interesting and “worth it” standard. That‟s all inner mindset. Once you believe that people would be quite happy to talk to you, those initial 3-5 minutes become just a minor obstacle and you accept it. Either way, you cannot step back and wait for the opportune moments. There will never be one. There will always be somebody else stood around, or they will be busy, or they will be sharpening their pick-axe etc. Standing back is postponing the inevitable: The initial approach is something you HAVE to go through.

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IMPROV INTERACTIONS Do you really? Well, some people can argue that they‟ll wait around till somebody approaches them. If so, you‟ve missed the whole idea of this book thus far. If you want to be a go getter and not depend on waiting for others, then there is no way around it. Here I want to go through a method so you can take advantage of approaching and starting an interaction, along with the other techniques described thus far. It helps you assess the situation quickly and relieve some of the “What do I say next?” feelings. HOW TO APPROACH Approaching would usually be an easy act if we all had the same receptivity. But people end up in all kinds of different situations- they can be busy on the phone, in a rush to the hospital, doing work, catching up with long lost friends etc. This is where learning a bit of “approaching etiquette” comes into it. You do not want to be in a position where you are intruding on somebody or intervening at the wrong time. You also do not want to come across as being the overbearing guy who scares the shit out of people by standing too close. There are three stages to assessing situations to approach. But first things first- GUIDELINES..

1) NEVER APPROACH FROM BEHIND One- because you never know when you actually come across a ninja, and two- it creates an immediate tension when you get a tap on the shoulder. You do not want that tension to be associated to you. Also, coming from the front or side creates AWARENESS. They can see you coming and it gives a chance for possible eye contact. 105 | S T A R T I N G I N T E R A C T I O N S

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2) KEEP A RESPECTABLE DISTANCE AND ANGLE I won‟t go all metric on you. Just ensure that you are roughly arms length apart at first. It gives you enough room to motion with your hands if you feel like you want to be a bit dynamic, and you‟re not pushing into anybody‟s personal space. You can always move in later and position yourself more comfortably.

3) HAVE A WARM ENERGY AND PRESENCE ABOUT YOU Pretend they are already good friends of yours. If you do it will reflect in your tone of voice and ease up any ridged tensions in your body. And of course…SMILE. You don‟t have to go showing off your teeth Mr. Powers, just a genuine “I‟m liking being here” smile will suffice. Those are the GUIDELINES to approaching any situation. The first one will probably rely on some CONSCIOUS practice. When you‟re in a social situation, it‟s often tempting to throw all rules aside and go in gung-ho. If there is no other way than coming up from behind, ALWAYS make sure you get into their direct sights as soon as you can. It eases a bit of tension when people can see you fully. Now I‟m going to explain how it works, and then put it all together in some examples. BEING AWARE OF THE SITUATION I like to think of there being three ways to assess a situation. This will become instinctive after a while. Right now it‟s a useful guide and framework to get you AWARE of how it works… 106 | S T A R T I N G I N T E R A C T I O N S

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Usually I would try and find lines for each situation. But I find doing it in reverse works better. This way, you learn about the situation- and then you improvise with it so that each individual scenario is unique. It spices things up a little bit. FIRST- NOTICE THE DYNAMIC 1) How many and who are they with? 2) Are they moving or staying put? When people are outside they are rarely by themselves. If they are, they are either waiting for somebody or they are busy anyway. Knowing this before hand helps a great deal when throwing your self into a situation. You won‟t be thrown off and feel “rejected” when they state they are in fact in the middle of one of those activities. Noticing the dynamic means you know who is involved in the situation. There is nothing worse than entering what appears to be two people, and then you turn around and notice they are with eight. 107 | S T A R T I N G I N T E R A C T I O N S

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Your main concern is YOU DON’T WANT TO LEAVE ANYBODY OUT.

You want to approach the person, or the group, and have yourself open enough to welcome/invite others.

IN MOTION VS STATIONARY The other thing to notice is: are they standing, sitting down or moving? Let‟s say you are walking down the street, and somebody is walking towards you in the opposite direction. You are both in motion. Being able to attract their attention while they are in motion will demand a different way of approaching. With standing or sitting down, they are stationary. However, with sitting down, they are already planted into the situation. They are comfortable and settled so you could be imposing. To be able to continue the interaction, you will also have to sit down with them. You do not want to be stood over the top leering over them. That is why observation is important. If you approach people when they are seated, you have to realise that they could be in the middle of an important conversation. So when you understand the dynamic, i.e. you know who is involved and whether they are planted into a situation, you can quickly observe it. SECOND- MAKE OBSERVATIONS 1) What venue are you in? Day or Night? 2) What are they doing? Are they busy? 3) What can you talk about? 108 | S T A R T I N G I N T E R A C T I O N S

IMPROV INTERACTIONS The speed of your observations will become quicker with experience. You will get a snapshot of the scenario and instinctively pick up on what is going on. But here is where the art of improvisation comes alive. You are REACTING to what is in front of you. What we would prefer to do is have a list of lines that can be used over and over again for every situation. When you improvise you are making this situation different and unique. You are honing your skills to be in tune for whatever dynamic, which in turn gives you the confidence to THINK ON YOUR FEET.

THE VENUE AND STATE The first thing to observe is where you are. People have different energy levels relating to where they are. If you meet somebody in a bookstore or a coffee shop, the energy is relaxed and mellow, so the conversation and YOUR energy will have to be congruent with that when you approach. Because if you compare that to a nightclub or a bar, you‟ll notice the energy levels are completely different. People are not as cautious as they would be during the day at a coffee place. Your energy levels have to reflect the venue which you are in.

It will help you understand the cautiousness of people as you approach and the STATE OF MIND they are in.

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A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE WHAT ARE THEY DOING? BUSY? Let‟s say two people are sat outside on a wall. If they are throwing their heads back laughing and joking then you can safely assume that they are in a fun and playful mood. If you notice one person consoling the other with their arm around, you can also assume that they are having a sentimental talk, and they will not want to be interrupted. Observing and reading situations can be difficult at times, but it is necessary so that you do not stumble into the lion‟s den. It is building your social intuition. If you walk into a library and somebody is over their books and in the middle of flowing with their writing- you would not want to disturb AT THAT MOMENT. Hold back and wait. You can also notice them with their head in their hand getting frustrated with all the work. Maybe you can go give them a break for five minutes- they could appreciate it.

TALKING POINTS When interacting with somebody for the first time you have very little to talk about. You cannot catch up about old times nor have a giggle about that time you accidentally stapled your tongue to the wall. You can only rely on the world around you. Your observations of the dynamic and situation will give you a few talking points. You can observe something you like about what they are wearing; ask for an opinion on something like a shop to go to; comment on the situation around you; ask about the book they are reading etc. There are multiple observations you can make depending on the situation you are in. The only real need for talking points is to make sure it MAKES SENSE. They are already caught in the headlights and you‟ve snapped them out of their trance, so make it a bit easier for them. 110 | S T A R T I N G I N T E R A C T I O N S

IMPROV INTERACTIONS THIRD- ASSUME THE POSITION People are either occupied or in a rush nowadays. It‟s hard to capture anybody‟s attention when they‟re whizzing through from A to B. But to hold an interaction long enough you have to position yourself in the right way. The last thing anybody expects on their little adventures is somebody going up to them for a conversation. And if you approach them in the wrong way, for example from behind, then you‟ll worry the crap out of them. That‟s not the best initial reaction. The important factor when thinking about how to position yourself is AWARENESS. Ask yourself the question, CAN THEY SEE YOU?

ONE TO TWO PEOPLE We will start simple. The diagram on the left is a typical situation. People are either by themselves waiting for somebody or they are with somebody they know. They‟re also in different dynamics. They are in the corner, sat down chatting, or facing away with their back against the world up at the bar. How can you approach these people without stirring up tension or a creepy vibe?

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A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE The person sat in the corner seems to be the easiest to approach. Why? Well because they are already planted into the situation. They are sat down and look like they are not going anywhere any time soon. Also, they have a good view of the place. This means that no matter which way you come in towards them, they will always see you coming (awareness). The only question you will have to answer, which will be going on through their head is: Why have you gone all of this way to talk to me?

Good question to wonder actually when you think about it, but that will be answered during your opener when you justify it. The one concern is they are in a corner- similar to an animal being trapped. Be respectable about this. Make your interaction brief initially. You can find them later at the bar. At least you have made an introduction

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The SINGLE PERSON at the bar is also a good opportunity. If you observed the situation, then you‟ll come to the conclusion that they won‟t be at the bar for long- so with you understanding that, then you will approach them with it in mind. You could say to them, “I won‟t keep you long.” As you can see from the arrows you have to come in from either side. You approach the bar and then strike up your conversation. Don‟t cave in to the temptation of tapping them on the back to make them turn around. Step into their situation and make them aware of you from the side. The TWO BAR situation is similar. Here though, you have the luxury of safety in numbers. When two friends are together they are more relaxed so they are usually more open to approaches. The same applies with the single person- you approach from the side. There is however the added option of coming IN BETWEEN both of them. It‟s not an advisable move though because both of them will have to turn around and you are diverting their attention (which people don‟t like). 113 | S T A R T I N G I N T E R A C T I O N S

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE Sometimes a situation will require you to do this. If that‟s the case, then move around so their bodies are not all contorted. In other words, they are not lined up with the bar whilst turning over their shoulder to talk to you. Step into the situation and get them aligned with you. It will create the perception that you are involved with them rather than an outsider. The TWO SEATED pair are planted into the situation. They are facing each other and in their own little world, so observe first to interpret their state. A convenient option would be to approach the table from the side. But by sticking to the rule of AWARENESS, it will be quite a jolt to them if you waltz on over and stand there. The best approach for awareness will be to go in directly in front of them. The table will also act as a safe distance barrier so they do not feel too “invaded”. This way, they both can draw their attention in your direction. Approaching at the side would force the one with their back to you to turn around. That causes awkwardness. I‟ve set this up in a typical bar setting but the rules apply in any venue. Always remember that AWARENESS is the main factor. You want them to feel comfortable with your presence as soon as possible, and that requires you to be in full view. When somebody is alone and in a pair, it‟s not too intimidating. You only have a minimum number of eyes on you as you approach. 114 | S T A R T I N G I N T E R A C T I O N S

IMPROV INTERACTIONS Do the rules change when more people are involved? Not necessarily. Two people, six people- it all demands you finding the best suitable angle to create full awareness. But when more people are involved, you cannot expect to hold everybody‟s attention. So now….how to approach GROUPS

APPROACH GROUPS. 3+ PEOPLE

Groups are classed as a gathering of three or more people. Approaching them is no different than with one person or two. The only real difference is the intimidation factor. It‟s like holding the attention of an audience. However, like any rock star will tell you- it‟s easier to perform in front of 30,000 than it is in front of 10. In this section we are only concerned with how to START an interaction with a group. Group dynamics is in a later chapter. 115 | S T A R T I N G I N T E R A C T I O N S

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE You can see here that even with THREE PEOPLE the same rules still apply. You try to avoid coming in from behind and forcing people to twist and turn around to you. They are all facing each other, but like any conversation- only two people can hold dialogue together. The people on the outside wait to find a talking point so they can join in. If we relate this group in terms of status, then the one in the middle will be the one with the most status, meaning that they will be the one the other two turn to for confirmation. Approaching at this angle does all that is required of youyou‟ve ensured that they are all aware of you, and you are also in line with the HIGH STATUS member of the group. In this situation there are FOUR PEOPLE for you to dazzle with your wit and charm. Oof! The pressure, eh. For those of you who are observant, you will notice that each group are always FACING 116 | S T A R T I N G I N T E R A C T I O N S

IMPROV INTERACTIONS each other. It‟s natural body language etiquette to be in line with everybody else. With four people, you cannot expect them ALL to be involved in the conversation with the same energy. Like the THREE PEOPLE situation, there are always people on the outside wanting to join in. With a group of four the numbers are even- so it‟s a strong possibility that they will stay in a group of four, but they will divert their attention to the one next to them, which splits them into TWO conversations, each switching around to talk to another at some point. The other possibility is that one person is holding all the others attention. What you have to do is observe and see where their attention is focused. This will give you a good understanding as to which angle to approach them. You do not have to go up and capture ALL four. If there are two people talking, treat them as a TWO GROUP and approach them in that manner. Then you simply ask, “Are these guys with you?” so they can introduce you to the whole group. Do not put un-needed pressure on yourself to draw all of their attention. The GROUP SPLIT situation is more apparent when there is an increase in numbers. The ones at the table are a group of FIVE. It‟s highly unlikely that they will all stay in a conversation 117 | S T A R T I N G I N T E R A C T I O N S

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE where they are all involved for long. In this five they have had to split into a group of two and a group of three. You cannot apply the THREE GROUP rule because they are all against a table. They are not in a semi-circle where you can approach to gain all of their awareness. The best option would be to treat the pair as a TWO GROUP. Again, you can use them as a means to transfer into the main group. The THREE GROUP will notice your interaction and be curious, thus leading you into being introduced and capturing their awareness. I‟ll say it again: Never put pressure on yourself to capture the groups’ attention.

Work your way into the group. You are a newbie though so don‟t be alarmed if they all draw their attention to you at once. They will slowly drift back into splitting off and switching around in conversations. It doesn‟t matter if the group increases to six people, seven people- the GROUP DYNAMICS still apply. So you know how to work with different numbers of people, from ONE PERSON through to GROUPS. Now there is another added dimension that you have to take into consideration, and that is if they are MOVING.

APPROACHING ON THE MOVE I highly doubt that you will be fortunate enough to always capture people when they are stationary. We all have things to do, places to go, juries to manipulate etc. So it‟s good to know how you 118 | S T A R T I N G I N T E R A C T I O N S

IMPROV INTERACTIONS would approach people while they are running about like the headless chickens that they are. You are the one on the right. My apologies for the lack of accuracy. Imagine it‟s a main high street and people are walking past you all of the time. Being on the move here seems to be quite easy. The reason is because you already have their awareness and they see you coming. The complication, however, is that they will be in MOMENTUM and you coming in the opposite direction can cause you to miss the opportunity very easily. Treat your approaching position like a car indicator. You have to turn the indicator on well before your actual turn so that other people are prepared around you. So as you are walking along, move in like the middle arrow and position yourself moving in towards them as you are VOICING your opener or “Excuse me”. Of course, they will have their head down and totally unaware of you up until that point, hence why you give them the benefit of plenty of warning that you want to talk to them. You have to be confident with this approach because it is difficult to stop something that is already in motion. Your body language and conviction will PACE their response to you. Some people can genuinely be in a rush to get somewhere. That‟s fine. How were you to know? But the approaching position is straight forward. Just remember to give plenty of warning before they walk right past 119 | S T A R T I N G I N T E R A C T I O N S

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE you, and assert yourself by conviction in your body language. Ieyou internally expect them to stop and talk to you. Now you are the one at the bottom and trailing behind the person you would like to approach. For this kind of approach to work, you HAVE to be in front of them. Why? Yep, you guessed it- AWARENESS. Tapping them on the shoulder from behind will not suffice as a successful approach method. You have to go past them like the second arrows illustrate. From there, you have the advantage of doing what the middle arrow suggests- turn over your shoulder and EYE them up as you continue walking. It is then up to you to PACE them with your body language as you stop. When you are behind them, you do not have that luxury because they are in momentum and they can keep moving forward. The typical thing they say is, “Sorry I have to be somewhere”. Never anything specific, is it? Haha, Nutty! You have to be in a position where you can influence the situation. And you achieve that by being in front. Confusion can arise when you want to know the point you stop to talk…

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IMPROV INTERACTIONS That point happens when YOU decide it. It‟s all about the confidence and conviction you express through your body language. You MENTALLY expect them to stop. It‟s not forceful or dominant in any way whatsoever. You simply OPEN as you walk, and then turn and continue the interaction like any other as you STOP with confident body language. Just always make sure you try stopping them when you are in front. There you are, sat down at one of the seats behind a table. This situation represents any place where others are walking past you. Sales people face it all the time. But we all know they are after something- ie, their commission. The YELLOW FIELD represents your vision. As the person walks past you only have that amount of space to interact with them. Here is where you have to bare in mind that they are on the move with MOMENTUM. Why should they stop for you? If it is somebody like a waitress or somebody hired, then they have to oblige and come over to you. Creating that compulsion in normal people is much harder. In fact, you should not bother with it. It contradicts every approaching guideline. Pulling it off requires a great deal of presence and conviction. 121 | S T A R T I N G I N T E R A C T I O N S

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE If you want the person who has just walked past you- then BE ACTIVE. Go after them and apply one of the approach situations I have mentioned. If you can pull this approach off consistently- I salute you. I know people are generally not ignorant, but some do panic and brush it off with some excuse. THEY ARE ONLY GUIDELINES I want to mention this here after POSITION because this is where SPONTANEITY comes into it. Understanding and observing are mental activities. You assess the situations by your own standards. With position, you have to realize that there are a number of possibilities and situations you can enter. You can even go against the guidelines if you wish. It all depends on your level of confidence. My point is, by me telling you these guidelines- I do not want you to feel limited to these options. Go out there and LEARN FROM EXPERIENCE. Test your own ways. You may be better than anything I mentioned in the above. You may be able to win people over by coming up from behind (Nothing saucy ;) ) ALWAYS feel free to get into the state where you can EXPERIMENT. In the end, I only want to encourage you to go by your own instincts. The world is an unpredictable place. Who are we to define it to certain methods and rituals? Do whatever you feel fits the situation and TRUST your instincts. 122 | S T A R T I N G I N T E R A C T I O N S

IMPROV INTERACTIONS If you are wrong and it didn‟t work- lesson learned. But who knows, you could be revolutionary. You cannot encounter the social world and expect it to run smoothly. Dynamics are always different and situations are never the same. We can try to get some predictability by understanding how it works fully- but that gets boring. The fun is in the unpredictability. NEXT STEP- OPEN You‟ve assessed the situation, stood back and picked up on a talking point. Now all you have to do is approach them and open with some actual conversation. There are not many ways to actually open somebody with dialogue. They fall into three ways: 1) “Hi” introduction 2) Question/Opinion 3) Statement That‟s it. How else you can open? There is usually so much pressure attached to finding the right way to open somebody, but realistically- they only fall into them three methods. If you have observed the situation correctly and found some talking point, then all you have to do is walk up in the right manner and do one of the above with your talking point. It‟s crazy how we feel we have to come up with something completely interesting. But you are not trying to reinvent the wheel here. All you are doing is striking up a conversation. In the first 30 seconds it‟s usually dead time anyway. When you open somebody, remember you are catching them off guard (depending on the venue). The first thing that comes out of your 123 | S T A R T I N G I N T E R A C T I O N S

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE mouth is usually washed over their heads until they snap out of their daze. You do not need an exceptionally interesting hook. People are very responsive if you give off the correct body language and genuine interest. Why would many people be dismissive? It‟s rude and they can look like they are up their own ass. Sure, they may try and escape- but they will respond. That‟s where you work your magic. I could give you a task and say “Go open 10 strangers”. You could probably do it relatively easy. There is no pressure to continue the conversation. You know all you have to do is open and then go. Doing that does have the advantage of easing any anxiety approaching people. After that, another spanner is thrown into the works, and I believe this to be where most fear it. You have to be able to TRANSITION… TRANSITION An interaction can be cut short if you cannot continue past approaching and opening. You could ask your question, be “Oh alright then”...and leave. You‟re in the territory now where you are asking for TIME and ATTENTION. When I first began, I had this initial pressure inside of me that I was being a burden. Nobody would want to stand around chatting to me and I should relieve their need for escape by giving them an opportunity to do so. “Oh well I best be going”. That‟s anxiety for you. The main question is- HOW DO YOU GO BEYOND THE OPENER? An opener will give you a quick minute conversation. And let‟s say you have commented about the book they are reading, you can 124 | S T A R T I N G I N T E R A C T I O N S

IMPROV INTERACTIONS continue that into a lengthier interaction by continuing talking about worthy books to read. But soon that topic will die out. You don‟t want to run the risk of milking it. So you have to create a HOOKING POINT in the conversation. The point of a transition is to ensure you can continue on the conversation. How can you transition? Well you can only rely on what is available to you at that time.

Observation Association A genuine switch

OBSERVATION Look around you or at the person. Have you noticed them going in the same direction as you? If so, walk with them as you continue and wonder where they are going. Are they wearing something that stands out? Make a comment on it and you transition into talking about clothes/fashion/best places to go. Did they see the naked guy running through five minutes ago? Don‟t go into too much detail, but fill them in with a comical story about it.

ASSOCIATION Association means going off on a tangent because what you are talking about has just reminded you of something.

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A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE For example, you have just opened with asking them for a decent restaurant that is local. They recommend a really classy restaurant and it‟s Italian. That‟s a time where you can say, “Oh I‟m so glad you didn‟t say Indian. I have had some really bad experiences with their food…” and then go into a light hearted and fun story about how you threw up a curry whilst on a date. The story will make the conversation playful. And, if they are willing, they will INTERACT back. “Oh I really like Indian” “Really? You do? I can only tolerate the chapatti. Nothing beats a good pizza though…” A GENUINE SWITCH A transition is all about going beyond an opener. All you are doing is having conversation different from how it started. Continuing with the opener leaves you stretching and milking the topic. You could open with asking for that restaurant, but then switch by saying “Actually, while I‟m here…have you ANY ideas for a good present?” It‟s totally unrelated to the restaurant, but you‟ve done what was required- you struck up something else to talk about. The hardest part with any transition is making it interactive. When starting a conversation the responses you get may be very limited. Later on you‟ll see what is required to make them open up and talk back, otherwise you will hit a string of dead ends. OUTLINE TO APPROACH 1) 2) 3) 4) 5)

Notice the dynamic and who is involved Observe Walk up and position yourself in the right way Open up with anything Transition into an interaction 126 | S T A R T I N G I N T E R A C T I O N S

IMPROV INTERACTIONS Okay, so I‟ve given you a list. But lists are pointless. In the real world you will be thrown into these situations without much time to think. And you cannot always reel off this list otherwise you will be a mechanical robot. You are reading this book to THINK ON YOUR FEET. So let‟s feed you with some APPLICATION. OVERCOMING SOCIAL BARRIERS We have to be conscious of the fact that approaching people often catches them unaware. It‟s a jolt to their system when they get approached. So we have to suppress their feeling of you imposing or you being threatening. There are certain ways to ease their tension…

TIME CONSTRAINT Tell them you are not staying for long, or you are just passing by. This gives them a psychological inclination about your intent. You do not plan on staying there for ages and impose. Ironically, you could all capture each others interest and the length of time could go beyond the “two minutes” you implied.

STEP IN You have to do this especially if they are sitting down. Nobody likes somebody stood over the top of them and leering. So make sure you sit down with them as soon as possible. To step in, all you have to do is position yourself close enough to not be seen as an outsider. So if they are all facing a certain direction- step in to their line of vision. It has a psychological effect of you being none threatening. You are on their level. An outsider offers a threatening vibe like they are just waiting for something. 127 | S T A R T I N G I N T E R A C T I O N S

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KNOW THE ROLES OF THE SITUATION How does everybody know each other? They may look like a couple because it is a guy and a girl, but they could be just good friends or even family. When you know everybody‟s roles it gives you the opportunity to understand the dynamic even more. You know who is with whom, and who is most likely to be the protective one if you decide to take somebody away. Overcoming barriers is really just about displaying a none threatening vibe. You don‟t want them sat there thinking, “God, he better not be here for long” whilst you talk. Simple actions- but effective results. EXAMPLES OF STARTING TO TRANSITION Most of these examples will involve approaching girls. I am doing it that way because it proves the point that to talk to a girl; you do not need anything special to have a conversation. You do not have to rely on the situation at hand. If nothing is worthy around you, then open up with anything that comes to mind. This is just a structure to assess the situation and react to it by using what is available to you. Don‟t limit yourself. 1. Dynamic/Situation: In a quiet bar. Two guys and a girl are stood around a table chatting away. Observation/Possible talking points: Talk about the bar you are in. Ask if they can suggest other better bars. Notice what they are drinking. Listen to the music and ask them if they know what song it is. Comment on the scene- is it quiet or alive?

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IMPROV INTERACTIONS Open and transition example: (draw the attention of all three) You: Guys, I need to try something new before I head off. Do you know of any decent drinks to try out?

Offer something open where there is a need for them to think about it and express themselves. You can‟t expect them to lunge into a lengthy analysis of what‟s hot or not- but it is a start. Guy #1: Jack Daniels and coke. You: That’s my usual. I had it, like, 2 years ago and I’ve never looked back. What cocktails do they do here? Guy #2: Ah you don’t want cocktails mate. They’re a girls drink. You: (to girl) Hmm, and you’ve just proved his point I think. That does look pretty damn tasty though… Girl: It’s a black Russian.

You‟ve engaged all three of the group, making sure you don‟t miss anybody out. And you haven‟t gone straight in for the girl. You‟ve opened up everybody. You: That does actually sound a masculine drink. I tried having a cocktail party once. Everybody was helping themselves and I don’t think they understood the concept of what a SHOT is. The alcohol was gone within half an hour. Girl: You don’t want to do home cocktail parties. I did one too and it went like that. There is a good cocktail bar down the road. We might be heading there later. You (to guy #1): If I get the cocktail craze then I will end up there too. So how do you all know each other?...

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A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE 2. Dynamic/Situation: A girl in a coffee place and she is reading through some books. Observation/Possible talking points: Make a joke about the coffee and how you learnt through experience to always have decafé. Ask about what she is studying. Comment on her state- if she looks intense or stressed out. Open and transition example: (you sit down) You: Looks like you could do with a five minute break. Girl: Yeah this work is getting really difficult. You: I could tell- so I thought I’d swoop in and save you… Girl: Why thank you. You: What work is it you are doing?

You‟ve observed her state and commented on it. She knows you are not just throwing yourself in there without attention to detail. She can‟t help but be obliging. Girl: It’s psychology. I have an assignment due in on Thursday. You: Let me guess…you’ve left it till the last minute and now you have to read every book by Freud in 2 days? Girl: You know me so well already. You: I majored in psychic 101. Girl: Hehe.

Assumptions always work well. They create the possibility for association- where it triggers off some other thoughts and tangents. And never underestimate filling in with playful humour. Anything can be used as a chance for another talking point. Notice how it‟s you who is doing most of the talking at the beginning. She is just waking up… You: Although I can’t be that good because I don’t even know your name yet.

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IMPROV INTERACTIONS Girl: It’s Chloe. You: Nice to meet you Chloe. (transition) I had the strangest dream last night- you can do some of your psycho analysis on me. I dreamt that…..

You didn‟t have to stay on talking about psychology. Sharing your dream story makes the interaction personal- doing what friends do. 3. Dynamic/Situation: Two girls are relaxing on the beach laying next to each other and getting a tan. Observation/Possible talking points: Use typical beach topics. Say it‟s safer than sun-beds. Throw in a cheesy line about Baywatch. Open and transition example: (walk over to the two girls) You: I don’t suppose you know when the next banana boat is coming in do you? Girl #1: What? You: The banana boat. I was planning on tanning like you two but I don’t have the patience for it. Girl #2: Oh there’s no banana boat around here.

Asking for a banana boat is completely out of left field. But it is still related to beach activities. I mean, if you observed just them two tanning- you wouldn‟t find anything to hook on. Starting with something like this catches them off guard. They have to think about it to react and that draws there attention on to you. You: Really? That’s a shame. I’m more of a water person than a land person if I’m honest. Girl #1: Why don’t you go out on the speed boat?

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A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE You: I forgot to mention I’m not a speed person. I’ll sit here with you for two minutes though before the next ship comes in. (sit down on the towel) Girl #1: Okay. What’s your name? You: I’m Brendan. And yours? Wait, let me guess….Stacey.

They know you are not staying for long, so they will oblige. And be playful with there name by guessing it. Laughter is a positive emotion to get attached to you. Girl #1: hehe not even close. I’m Danielle. You: And yours? Girl #2: I’m Gemma. You: So how long have you been sizzling for? My friend is really lucky when it comes to tanning. One day out and she’s golden brown…

You get there names and it is back to going through the motions of conversation. However, now you can talk about the situation at hand which is them tanning. 4. Dynamic/Situation: A girl at a bookstore and she appears to be alone. Observation/Possible talking points: Ask who she is with. Notice the book section she is stood at. Mention you like people who read. Give her an option- film or a book. Does she have a favourite? Open and transition example: (walk up beside her and wait before you engage) You: Hmmmm, mind body and spirit. What book can you recommend? Girl: Oh er… I don’t know. What do you want to know? You: Cooking…but I’m expanding my horizons a bit further. I’ve always been curious about this stuff.

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IMPROV INTERACTIONS Notice how people always “erm” as you approach? That‟s catching them in the headlights. Don‟t take it personally and keep control. Girl: Well I’m reading a book on spirituality. You: Interesting. Is this a new thing for you as well then? Girl: No I’ve been reading on this for a while now. I find it fascinating. You: That’s what’s drawn me in too..I’m intrigued about it all. It’s happened by chance actually. My cousin let me borrow a book, I read a chapter of it and I was hooked. I came in today to check some out Girl: It’s revitalising I think. It really changes your perspective.

You‟ve already found a commonality between the both of you. The temptation here would be to continue talking about your interest in the „Mind, Body and Spirit‟, but doing that would leave you in a loop. So you have to mix it up by throwing in something personal about yourself. You: I’ve never been a fiction reader. If I can’t learn from a book then I feel it’s a waste of time. Girl: Oh I love reading. It relaxes me. You: Well any book over 300 pages and I use it as a paper weight. So that’s all you have to work with- a book less than 300pgs…what do you suggest? What did you last read?

Making it personal has created a mini-connection. Now you can invest her by going back to your original request. If it draws back on to „Mind, Body and Spirit‟, divert it from books on to films. In the initial stages of an interaction it is always best to mix things up and keep everybody on their toes, rather than being caught in the trap of milking the topic. 5. Dynamic/Situation: A hired member of staff, like a waitress or bartender. Observation/Possible talking points: Ask her to make a recommendation. Make a joke about your order or comment on the food. Say you would take her out to eat somewhere but you 133 | S T A R T I N G I N T E R A C T I O N S

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE fear she may be bias because of where she works. Look at the badge for her name. Open and transition example: (waitress comes back after your order) You: That was gorgeous, thank you. How do you like a larger man? I think I’ve just put on 3 stone in half an hour. Girl: Don’t be silly. You: So (eye up the badge)…Carol. I feel like we are a couple already with you bringing me food and looking after me. Girl: hehe, I’m just doing my job. You: If we were in Hollywood I’d assume you were a wannabe actress. Girl: No I’m just doing this part time while I do my studies.

Bear in mind that when you are interacting with people who are occupied, they will be back and forth. So trying to lock them in to a 10 minute conversation won‟t be the best of options. Keep it swift and short. You: Well you do look busy, so could you please get me the chocolate cake and we can talk for another 2 minutes. We’ll do this in intervals Girl: Chocolate cake? Okay. Be with you in a second. You: Go go go

You anticipated her being a busy bunny. This saves any awkwardness of her trying to get away and jump in with, “I have to go back to work”. Anticipating and showing you understand it makes her feel comfortable with you. (she comes back with your cake) You: Don’t blink. This will be gone in no time. It’s a shame you’re not an actress. I was looking at you and you remind me of ________________ ….

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IMPROV INTERACTIONS She is busy, so any chance of hooking her in further would be to give her something interesting to think about. Mentioning she reminds you of a certain actress gets her intrigued. So even though you will be gone in five to ten minutes, she will more than likely see you as a guy separate from the crowd. Use this opportunity to find a way to contact her some other time. E-mail, number etc. She can bring it back to you when you have to pay. 6. Dynamic/Situation: A business conference and it is on lunch hour. Two guys are talking by the table near the food. Observation/Possible talking points: Talk about the conference so far and ask what they think of it. Comment on the food. Ask them how far they had to travel and how. Open and transition example: (walk up beside the table) You: No expense spared for this little collection of treats is then. Guy #1: …Oh I know. They’ve really gone all out. You: And the morning session has been energetic. I’m usually slumped in my chair falling asleep. I feel like I’ve done a workout. Guy #2: It’s been really good hasn’t it? How far have you come to get here? You: Not too far actually. Only took half an hour to get here from Leeds. Guy #1: Leeds? Took us 4 hours to get here from London You: That’s a long walk. What do you hope to get from it? …

During events, it‟s obvious that people will use it as a common theme for conversation. And that‟s fine- run with it. The people there will only be focussed on the event they are at. WRAPPING UP Starting interactions is relatively easy. It is mainly the fear and anxiety attached to it which prevents us from even doing it. Also, our fear of the unknown plays a big part. We don‟t know how people are going to react to us. 135 | S T A R T I N G I N T E R A C T I O N S

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE The fears and anxiety subside the more times you do it because you are certifying a belief that nothing truly bad ever happens. You do not need anything extreme to start an interaction. People usually respond well to whatever you throw at them. The main key is the transition- the part where you can keep up the conversation. By observing and using the techniques outlined in this book, you will find it easy to continue a conversation after you have approached somebody. The reality is that you can‟t always rely on people approaching you. They will most likely have the same fears and doubts as you, and they too will fear approaching and avoid it. Just remember to notice and observe the situation first before you dive on in. STARTING INTERACTIONS SUMMARY - Starting interactions means you taking the initiative to approach people. - Proximity is the first step. You have to be around people in some form. - However, look and appear approachable to give yourself the option of others approaching you first. You never know, they may have read this book as well. - Approaching from behind makes it very difficult for you. Always be in their field of vision as much as possible. Awareness is key.

HOW TO INITIATE AN INTERACTION 1) 2) 3) 4) 5)

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- Never pressure yourself to be an entertainer. Just make sure you have high energy and you get people involved. - It helps to say you won‟t be there for long, you are a busy guy. - Also don‟t put pressure on yourself to interact with all of the group. People split off into their own little conversations. - You can open with anything, but the most common method is to observe the environment, their state and the situation and comment on it somehow. - Divert onto something different so you get hooked into the conversation. People will oblige if you are non-threatening and easy to talk to.

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CHAPTER 8 AUTHENTIC LISTENING People are a source for conversation. You need to feed from the other person so you have something to react and add to. But it needs to be GENUINE AUTHENTIC listening… Our headspace is often filled with incessant noise. We think about what we should say, how we look, what do others think, what are we going to do tomorrow, what should we say next. Interactions demand that you listen. But it’s so difficult when our butterfly minds drift away as the other person’s lips move. It’s much easier to nod after five second intervals and wait until it’s your turn to speak. I grant you it is difficult to truly listen, and I emphasize truly. However, listening is more than giving subtle signals to disguise your attention is elsewhere. WHY LISTEN? I’m sure you have been able to get away with it thus far. Although having said that, you probably feel you are already an authentic listener. Being a good listener requires more than just responding on cue

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IMPROV INTERACTIONS We can get a sense of what a person is talking about, roughly, and then give our uhm’s and ahh’s- but it doesn’t give you a real feel for the interaction. The dots don’t get connected. REAL listening allows you to react effectively and be in the moment. Effective reactions are those where you are not on a pause trying to think about forming the next sentence. Even if they are talking about their last surgery experience, by truly listening- you feed off from what they have been talking about, and you continue along with their line of thought whilst gauging how they really feel. Without listening you are both playing a tug of war. You are both trying to take the interaction down different paths. Listening is attention plus feedback

You’ve probably been in a situation where you’ve heard the “Ugh. You’re not listening!” comment. “But I am listening!” you retort. “Well what did I just say?” “..uhm…” Busted! LISTENING IS OBVIOUS We all know how “bad listening” goes. We’ve probably been a victim of it before as well. Por ejemplo: Them: I just wish I could get away! Work is driving me crazy. You: (whilst staring into your cup of tea) Absolutely. I know that feeling…Do know where the sugar is?

The more convincing listening example:

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Them: I just wish I could get away! Work is driving me crazy. You: (looking at them) A-ha. (small nod) Them: The people I work with are just so annoying and irritating. You: (small nod) I bet they are.

That seems like the person is listening. They are responding congruently to what the person is saying. The nods are an indicator for encouragement and for the person to continue. Yet if those nods stretch out over a length of time, then they begin to become insincere. If the person got the “So what did I just say?” question, they would probably be lost. So even though you appeared like you were listening and giving attention, you probably missed 60-70% of the conversation. The conversation is your source for feedback. It’s an opportunity and request to relate back to the person what they are saying. HOW TO LISTEN EFFECTIVELY Listening goes beyond hearing words. First of all, there is content to those words. Further than that, there are emotions fuelling the content. Hop skip and a jump beyond emotions, and you get their body language communicating those feelings, whether congruently or not. Content Emotion Body Language

It’s easy to pluck out content. Whilst they are talking our ears prick up at the word “work”, so clearly they are talking to you about work. So, being the conversational wizard that you are- you begin talking about YOUR work. But you’ve missed one of the main components. If you skip over the underlying emotions, then it’s 140 | A U T H E N T I C L I S T E N I N G

IMPROV INTERACTIONS basically pulling the carpet out from underneath them. The conversation veers off on a tangent and they are left without any closure. This doesn’t mean going all “therapist” and constantly asking “So how do you feel?” The idea here is that there is more going on than simply words. There is a vibe and a feeling your instincts should pick up on. It’s easy to miss making strong interactions where you both hit it off when you don’t pick up on the emotions. You can always divert away and miss the bigger picture. TAPPING IN TO CONGRUENCE Imagine somebody screaming at you, “I’M FINE!” Clearly, you know they are not fine. In situations like that, you are able to know if there is a deeper level going on, even if you can’t quite put your finger on it. People are communicating with their tones of voice and bodies all the time. It conveys what is really going on. Not all conversations have to be on a deep emotional level. What I’m trying to suggest is that TRUE LISTENING requires being fully engaged by paying attention to the full package- body language and content. Congruence is having body language and what the person says match together. In the shouting, “I’M FINE” example- they are clearly not matched up. It is frustration mixed with trying to be sincere. Congruence also plays on your part. Nobody will believe you are listening if your head is buried into a magazine. It requires your attention and feedback.

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A GUY’S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE BEING FULLY ENGAGED I know it’s a tall order. Having to almost drown out everything around you so you can hear every word and notice body language is quite demanding compared to what we are used to. I’ve stated congruence as something you should pay attention to, but it’s not something you have to be fully conscious about. By being fully engaged, you learn to use your intuition to get a FEEL for what is going on during the interaction. You learn to get an instinct about whether you are both connecting and have a good vibe together. Your taking part in being fully engaged assures the other person you are listening. They feel a sense of trust in you because they too get the same vibe from your congruence. HOW TO SHOW YOU ARE LISTENING I don’t want to give you an instructional step-by-step on how to show you are listening. It will all become easy for you when you start from the inside out. In other words, you get into a state where you are genuinely curious and interested in what the person has to say- and that will radiate out through your actions such as your body language. You’ll find that from this state, you’ll automatically turn to face them and give strong eye contact. You’ll nod only when you feel the need to, and the vibe will give you all the information you need. The other issue however is FEEDBACK. FEEDBACK Obviously while you are listening, you are using their dialogue as a source for conversation. That means you have to create a flow by feeding from what they are saying. Sales people do it all the time for verification purposes. 142 | A U T H E N T I C L I S T E N I N G

IMPROV INTERACTIONS

Salesman: So let me narrow it down for you by what you’ve told me. You want a subwoofer with an XJG-1000 model speaker…eight of those to be exact. Plus you want universal compatibility with a touch screen sensor and visually appealing to the eye, preferably black with dark blue lining. You: Erm….That’s right. Salesman: Sorry, they’re out of stock.

If the salesman doesn’t feed back to the person what they are saying, then he’ll wander around like a fart in a trance, hearing the “You haven’t listened to a word I’ve said have you?” from the customer. But that’s sales talk. We want dialogue. In a way it is the same as verifying what they have just said- but more importantly it is about adding to the interaction. The main ones are typically: ASKING QUESTIONS

Them: I just wish I could get away! Work is driving me crazy.

Here you have two obvious options. Ask them, “Where would you like to go away to?” and also, “How is it driving you crazy?” I’m sure while they said that sentence, their body was suggesting frustration. So going on your instincts, you ask the latter question. It then opens up the conversation and feeds back that you’re on the ball. Going for the first question would divert away from the real point the person is trying to make. No doubt they’ll even add emphasis to it. Asking the first question would run into:

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You: Well where would you like to go? Them: Ugh, I don’t know. Somewhere far away. You: Pluto? It’s a bit nippy but I hear the view is lovely. Them: …You’re not listening!

This picking up on vibes is how women are better listeners. Take a lesson and become fully engaged to the vibe. You want to listen so that your feedback is parallel and on cue to what it is they are talking about.

RELATING BACK TO THEM THROUGH A STATEMENT

Them: I just wish I could get away! Work is driving me crazy.

Relating means you are both on the same page. A statement is not there to give closure. In a sense it is a verbal nod. You are feeding back that you have gone through the same experience or thoughts before. You: I know what you mean. The people at my work drive me insane.

It sounds like you are drawing the attention back on yourself. But on closer inspection, you have related back to what they have said. You’ve given them a green light to carry on. Now, depending on the other person, it could go different ways. The person could nosedive into your experience. Them: Really? I don’t know how you could put up with that all day. You: I know! There’s this one guy with the big nose...

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IMPROV INTERACTIONS It’s now become interactive. You’re both sharing and adding to the conversation. Then it goes full cycle. The person could also have said: Them: It’s not so much the people. It’s everything! You: Is the boss really pushing you? I know a hitman for £1000 if you’re willing.

Humour also helps. The principle is that you contribute and add something. Or like in that example, you throw out a little “mind read”. It encourages them to tell of the real dilemma. If you haven’t gone through an experience to relate back to them, then rely purely on empathy and step into their shoes. Them: I just wish I could get away! Work is driving me crazy. You: Oh I couldn’t work if I’m getting stressed. It’s so hard to focus. Them: Exactly! Wow, it’s like you’re in my head. I’m really struggling with…

Give them an opening and they will be sure to reciprocate later. WHAT IF THEY’RE NOT LISTENING TO ME? Ah, the old chestnut of “Am I the only one doing all the work around here?” It’s the block where it’s not YOU doing “wrong”, but them. Over time you will run across people who prefer to remain preoccupied with their own life. You can feedback as much as you want and encourage them to talk more, but with these types of people you are merely encouraging them to feed into more of their ego. 145 | A U T H E N T I C L I S T E N I N G

A GUY’S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE Personally, I prefer to slowly slip away from these people. Being a social butterfly demands you know when to cut certain people off. Why be around somebody who leeches off of your good nature? I suggest giving them the benefit of the doubt and using your conversation skills to try drawing them out of their little bubble, but know when to call it a day. Your social instincts will give you a head start. Don’t fall into the trap of, “If I keep on giving, I’m sure they will give back one day”. Remain firm about your rule- interactions are a two way thing. SOMETIMES I CAN’T BE BOTHERED Don’t beat yourself up. Remember that you are only human. Having a laser like focus can sap your energy sometimes. A lot of people may notice your social skills and perceive you as always being in tip-top shape. You’re always willing to talk and listen etc. There is no point in forcing it if you are totally not in the mood for it. You probably want some alone time to just relax. If while you’re in that state and interactions are forced upon you- then BE HONEST about it. You: Sorry, I’m usually really talkative but today I just want to be lazy…

Some may take this offensive and personally. Accept it as a consequence for being honest. You: …I’ll find you later and see what you wanted to talk about.

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IMPROV INTERACTIONS You need to have a very strong frame in order to do this. Most people tend to crumble and will force it upon themselves, fearing that the other person will think you are being ignorant or rude. I’ll talk about frame control in a later chapter. Up until then, practice standing your ground. WRAPPING UP Being a great listener means being fully engaged to everything about the person- what they are saying and how they are saying it. You use that engagement to pick up the vibe and react in the moment. You are not nodding and thinking about what you should be saying next. You surrender to it, and use the conversation as your source to more conversation. Be in a state where you are genuinely curious and interested in the person. That allows engaging to be natural. People will sense if you are being congruent or truly listening. If you are not, it will be worthless. You don’t have to be on the ball all of the time. Sometimes you can be lazy to just enjoy minimal conversation. Listening is not a chore or a strain. It is a habit. AUTHENTIC LISTENING SUMMARY - Listening is about GENUINE attention and feedback. - Be engaged in the interaction. - Use listening so that you have something to feed off from and react to. That way, your head will not be so blank for offering back and adding to the interaction.

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A GUY’S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE - Get into the vibe of the interaction. Pay attention the emotions and body language so you notice congruency. - But don’t always be lead down a path of thinking you should be the attentive listener. - Give feedback through statements or questions. And also, add back to the interaction with your own little gems. - Sometimes you can’t be bothered, or sometimes people are not fully engaged in listening to you. Know when to make the snip from giving your total energy.

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CHAPTER 9 MAKING IT INTERACTIVE Interaction implies action and reaction. You need to know how to involve the other person, and to also how to react to keep flowing… To have an interaction, it has to be interactive. …I love it when my mind comes up with memorable pearls of wisdom. Funnily enough, this is where interactions get lost. It‟s because we are so caught up in our headspace that our only possible way to get out is to divert our attention away from us as quickly as possible. It‟s like holding a hot piece of coal: You hold it Ah shit, it‟s hot. No you hold it! What you giving it to me for? Take it back! Hot hot hot. What each person tries to do is pass the conversational buck. But that ends up being a game of „Question Answer Question Answer‟, or „Uhm…Ahh...silence‟. The headspace wins. We can naturally have conversations with people who we are comfortable with. It‟s only this initial hesitancy and mental game which hold us back from interacting. We put up most of the blocks ourselves. Let‟s test the waters to point it out to you: 150 | M A K I N G I T I N T E R A C T I V E

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Setting: Having an English delicacy meal. You: (filling in the silence) How was the fish? New Person: It was okay. Yours? You: It was fine thanks. How about the chips? New Person: Not bad. Did you enjoy your peas? You: Yum.

Okay, maybe I‟m exaggerating the simplicity just a little bit. We could even get away with this simple interaction with a friend. But with a new person, we feel like something is missing- we are not hooking each other and it can become uncomfortable. The negative mental game gives you all the wrong perceptions. But take that same scenario with a friend anyway. You: This fish is disgusting. Friend: Ugh. And look at the size of it! Looks like they found Nemo… You: We are seriously not eating here again. £3.50! Friend: Price of a good pint is that. You thinking what I’m thinking? You: Pub!

Already you can tell it‟s not a case of back and forth questions and answers. They continue on the dialogue and you can see the change in levels of comfort just by reading it. It‟s also a good example of interaction. They are not trying to reel each other in to giving back. It happens naturally. Most people would assume to interact you have to bait the other person in, usually with questions. The best way to interact is to CREATE OPENINGS for the person to hook on to.

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CREATING OPENINGS Openings are “cues” for the other person to jump in with their addition to the conversation. Take the best friend meal scenario. The first line of dialogue does not ask for anything, yet it creates a continuous flow. If the blocks of conversation happened where it slowly becomes to a halt, it would be like: You: This fish is disgusting. Them: Why didn’t you like it? (Diversion through questions) You: This fish is disgusting. Them: I quite enjoyed it (switching back to them) You: This fish is disgusting. Them: Why didn’t you like it? You: It’s just…ugh. I’ve had better. Them: Oh really. Where was

that?

(Milking

the

topic)

Now, this is not about making you self-conscious of every line of dialogue and response you give. I just want you to be conscious of bad social habits, ones where you create blocks without even realising it. The „Milking the topic‟ response could switch into a conversation about another city or town, as long as there is use of associations. So, the usual ways of creating openings are:

1) QUESTIONS I‟ve kind of bitch slapped questions in the face in this chapter up until now, but there is a time when they‟re needed. Say somebody is talking about their holiday for example. It wouldn‟t kill you to be inquisitive about it. 152 | M A K I N G I T I N T E R A C T I V E

IMPROV INTERACTIONS Questions are clearly openings. Interviewers use them all the time, and they are pretty damn good at it. Of course, interviewers then STAY with questions- and it puts the heat always on the interviewee, which can be quite unsettling. So the use for questions, unless you‟re a therapist, is to dig a little deeper for a talking point, something that you can relate to or use to contribute. It‟s about getting the facts and putting them to good use.

2. STATEMENTS “This fish is disgusting” is a statement. It‟s not a statement that has to be zoned in on either. It is expressing an opinion. But by saying it, it encourages the best friend to share their own opinion back, even if it differs (See, it doesn‟t need to be rapport and about matching all the time) There is a playful game used in improv called, „Questions Only‟ The idea is you only reply with a question, just to observe how they can be seen as blocks. The principle of it is show how hard it is to advance when all you are giving is questions. You: How did you get here? Them: Can’t you smell the fire from my car? You: Do you still have the Ford Focus? Them: …Wanna see it? You: I thought you said it was on fire? Them: Oh that reminds me…you got a hose?

This is why the technique of statements and adding come in handy. Statements appear to be indirect, meaning that you are not trying to advance the conversation at all. However, that is how they are intended to work. It creates a void which has to be filled.

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A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE Conversations always end up in a „statement-statement‟ situation anyway, so you may as well use them constructively to your advantage. And statements don‟t really have a structure. Questions always put the focus on the other person. A statement does create a bit of tension at times, but the focus is veered towards the interaction. Not the person. In essence, you are ALLOWING the person to talk. That has the advantage of letting the person CHOOSE to continue the conversation. You are not forcing anything, but simply creating an OPENING. Another advantage of using a statement is it encourages you to be more creative with the conversation. The empty void is going to come back on you, so you have to keep on your toes and on-thespot. Example: You: So do you have any pets? (See, questions CAN be cool) Them: I have a cat.

The typical response here would be to throw in another question. You: How cute. What’s the cat’s name? Them: Tiddles

I have no clue if that is a real cat name, but it sounds plausible. Anyway, now you‟ve hit another dead end. Where do you take the conversation now? Instead, try and be a bit more creative by adding. 154 | M A K I N G I T I N T E R A C T I V E

IMPROV INTERACTIONS

Them: I have a cat You: Oh I’m not a big fan of cats. I can’t trust anything that prowls through the night. Plus I always find they sleep too much…

You‟ve expressed an opinion. It‟s up to them now to INTERACT back. Yes, it‟s a sneaky little ploy- but necessary. Them: Mine doesn’t sleep that much. What pets do you have?

They‟ve settled for a question. Tut, amateur. You: I have a dog…

If you leave that last bit of the conversation as it is now, you would be venturing into “Ignoramus” mode. If all you do is rely on statements to answer their questions and offer nothing in return, then you‟ve created the block yourself. At this point, you have to improvise and ADD something else, which relies on the importance of…

3. BEING EXPRESSIVE ASSOCIATIONS

TO

CREATE

Being expressive is another way to make conversations interactive. Leaving it as “I have a dog” is just stating a fact. It doesn‟t add anything. Plus the pressure is then on the other person to ask about your dog. So inconsiderate. Improvisers call this “YES, AND…” It is rule for you to ADD MORE to what you‟ve said. It‟s where the spark of creativity happens. Look at what responses you could be given: 155 | M A K I N G I T I N T E R A C T I V E

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You: I have a dog. Would you ever want a dog? (Question. Ugh) You: I have a dog. His name’s Bingo (closed off statement)

Your job is to entice the other person to interact, and both of the above will result in it being pretty dead-end loop all about your dog. I will talk about ASSOCIATIONS and how to make conversation flow later. At this point, understand that when you throw in something else- it acts as another talking point. The associations are triggers, both for you and the other person. And what they do is they give options for another thread of conversation. They trigger off memories, experiences or thoughts so that you can branch off talking about those points as well. In this case, with the dog: You: I have a dog…but I’ve always wanted one of those little monkeys that sound like cappuccino…..Capuchin! That’s it. Them: What are they?

It‟s okay that they don‟t understand. Fill them in. You: You often see them with pirates. If they can’t afford a parrot, then this is what they’ll end up having. Them: Oh wow I remember them now. I saw a documentary once about some guy having one as a helper because he was disabled. You: They’re supposed to be really intelligent. And I wouldn’t mind my own little personal Jeeves.

You could have stayed tight lipped and kept your conversation zoned in on your doggy. But you took a leap and went in to talking about your dream pet…and now you‟re on to slavery.

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IMPROV INTERACTIONS By your simple addition you‟ve expanded what is open to talk about. And your simple mention of the capuchin monkey TRIGGERED a memory or thought from the other person. This is a crucial key to conversations. When you become conscious about avoiding the blocks I mentioned, and you are willing to be creative and expressive- you can have the conversation flow in all kinds of directions. So be creative and add to the conversation. You‟ll find yourself becoming better at making connections and associations for the other person to hook on to. WHEN THEY DON’T INTERACT Some people are just genuinely clueless, or shy, or ignorant- so encouraging them to interact back with you can be somewhat of a mission. These are the people that throw up the blocks at you. You ask them a question, and the answers back are short. You make a statement, and they just go, “A-ha”. You can’t get blood out of a stone.

That seems to apply here. Even your close friends will have off-days where they don‟t appear to be too chatty. But you can sense that, and you are comfortable enough to divulge into what‟s on their mind, or throwing out a plan for distraction. When you‟re on the path of getting to know somebody, then this creates awkwardness. Are they rejecting you? Are they ignoring you so you‟ll go away? Is your B.O really that bad? Remember, don‟t take it personally. All you can do is rely on the techniques I‟ve explained to you. 157 | M A K I N G I T I N T E R A C T I V E

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE People sometimes do not open up until they feel a sense of comfort and ease. You can also rely on commonality- making their ears prick up when you mention something they like to talk about. It can get their engines revved, but you do not want to fall into the trap of the conversation relying on them. But how do you find that commonality? If they are not getting involved, then it sounds like you have to just rely on luck. You: Do you like shopping? Them: Sometimes. You: I really like go-karting. I can be such an adrenalin junkie at times Them: Hmmm, I’m not really a fan. You: I’m planning on going boxing later. I’m quite nervous I’ve never done it before. I’ll write you a will to pass on for me in case I don’t make it. Them: Haha. Yeah okay. You: Nice nose. Can I practice some boxing on you now? Them: I’m not too sure.

Frustrating! So how do you draw them out? Going back to the sources of conversation, one of the key ones was OBSERVATION. What better way to draw somebody out than making an on-the-spot observation ABOUT THEM. Once you have them talking, use the above methods to draw them out more and help guide them slowly into it. An observation could simply be about their shopping. Obviously, you know asking a question such as: You: Oh I see you’ve been shopping. What did you buy?

That may only get you an “Oh nothing much” response. Instead, mix it up a little bit. 158 | M A K I N G I T I N T E R A C T I V E

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You: Oh I see you’ve been shopping. Wait, this is a perfect way to improve my psychic powers. Let me guess. You have bought…(pretend to zone in some meditative trance) …Eggs….Milk….And a skewer Them: haha. It’s actually a new top You: Hmmm. I think I was channeling that old lady over there then. I bet it’s a nice top as well. I’ve noticed you dress really smart.

Compliments only work if they are genuine. But they also act as ways to warm the person up to you. They feel obliged then to reciprocate and live up to that sweet remark. Them: Thank you. I do try. I can be a little fussy at times.

Still not there yet with the “to you, to me” thing, but keep going. You: I’m terrible with it. I like your style though…

The impulse here is to ask “Where do you shop?” so you can nick their style. But that again puts the emphasis back solely on them. Instead, stand your ground. Let them fill in the void. Them: You don’t dress bad at all. Where do you get your clothes?

VOILA! It took some pushing, but we eventually got there. All it took was some clever avoidance skills to make sure you don‟t let them get away with short snappy answers. You gave them a situation where they had to be expressive and open up

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A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE WRAPPING UP We all feel insecure about silence at some point. The social pressure inside of us then builds to where we feel we should fill it in, hence why they are called „awkward‟ silences. For you, the pressure should be embraced. It is a chance for you to be quiet and let the other person contribute and help YOU to interact. Most of the blocks in conversation are a result of people wanting to fill in the silence, whether it is with a question or rambling on, or completely shutting off altogether. It is up to you to hold that void and refrain from filling it ALL the time. Give the other person the opportunity to fill it. MAKING IT INTERACTIVE SUMMARY - You ALWAYS want to steer away from an interaction being one sided. - You have to add to the conversation, but you also have to encourage them to get involved as well. - Questions create loops. When a statement will suffice, use it. Only use questions to seek and find another talking point. - Let them fill in the voids. Don‟t cave in to the social pressure and silence. It is their turn to interact. - ADD something different by thinking outside the box. Just because they mention their cat, doesn‟t mean you have to zone in and talk ONLY about the cat.

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CHAPTER 10 STORYTELLING Stories are an additional element to interactions. We can’t just stick to back and forth banter. You can also contribute with your own additions… Telling a story should come naturally to us. Ever since our ancestors began to develop materials to communicate, they took it upon themselves to express what they were thinking- whether it was through art, writing, talking around camp fires… Stories have been told ever since those evolutionary designs happened. We now refer to it as HISTORY. (His Story) Every great event and change throughout time has been documented since we learned to develop this skill of communication. As we pick out more pieces of evidence to add to the past, we add it to the lengthy timeline that already exists. Even though the parts are constantly changing- for instance, we believed one thing to be true (ie-world is flat), until somebody or something comes along to contradict the theory- the timeline that exists right now is a STORY of the world and mankind. WHAT IS A STORY!? Our timeline is looking at the bigger picture of what a story is. I believe many of us think stories to be about sitting people in a huddle and doing the, „Once upon a time…” thing, which is why it‟s a hard concept to grasp socially. Of course, history shows us stories were used to pass on culture, wisdom and experience. I always imagine older figures of a tribe sitting the young ones down to not only entertain them, but to 162 | S T O R Y T E L L I N G

IMPROV INTERACTIONS inform them of what they have seen and done in order to pass on their knowledge. That is why the idea of storytelling can be somewhat misconstrued. It often lets you feel that if you cannot stand up in front of people and narrate- then you‟re no good at it. And stories are all around you. They come at you in all kinds of different mediums. They‟re found in books, music, paintings TV, films, carvings, graffiti- any medium you can think of. Because of this it‟s important for you to view and understand a story in its most simplistic form so you can apply it socially. A story is a message that tells a sequences of events

If you want to write fiction or screenplays, develop characters, come up with a creative storyline- then you will have to go learn narrative structures and plotlines. You will string together some characters, give them a situation, and throw in some setbacks- all to reach a climatic conclusion when that setback has been resolved. But socially you do not have that much time. Remember, Improv is about SPONTANEITY and thinking on the spot. You will not have the luxury to come up with a strong narrative. You have to create (or remember) and deliver your stories as you go. So don‟t put too much pressure on yourself to be a marvel Stephen King. Just use these techniques to tell stories about events that have happened to you. So, what do you do? How do you become a social storyteller? Look at a basic story:

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A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE You: I’m NEVER doing another fancy dress party. I had to get an outfit nd last week for my friend’s 22 , and she always puts on a good show and everybody comes in all kinds of things. But I was looking through all the outfits and I saw cowboy- done that, sailor- done that, naval officer- done that, gangster- done that…I was seriously running low on ideas. So I had to come up with something! I didn’t want to let her down. And I’m very picky and I was looking through them and just thinking “ugh”. None of them seemed flashy and edgy enough. Anyway, I went to my other friend, Sarah, and asked her an idea because she does fashion at Uni. We had a talk and she suggested I go as a roman. I first thought forget that. No way am I going in a suit of armour. How the hell would I go pee? But she meant a roman like in a toga- one of those white gowns. Ahhhh, and that made more sense then. Plus it was cheap and she could whip it up in no time with a spare sheet. It only took her like two hours. It’s a done deal. So I turn up at the party on the Friday night, open up the door and my friend is stood there. I look at her and she looks back and she bursts out laughing. I didn’t know if I’d walked up with my ass hanging out… And she said to me, “did you not get my text?” I say to her “what text?” “I said the fancy dress thing isn’t happening. Too many people are not doing it this time- but the party is still on…” …oh. So I had to walk in to a bunch of people in civvies while I prance around all night looking like Aristotle. Seriously, never again!

The story comprises of one important ingredient- events. When you scrap away all of the extra padding like finding characters and plotlines, then it fulfils the definition of what a story is. The way I‟ve written it sounds like I have taken the floor and made everybody go on pause. Not so. During telling the story people will laugh or say “Oh my God”, or they‟ll say “haha, then what happened?” That‟s ok. Acknowledge them, and continue telling your events. 164 | S T O R Y T E L L I N G

IMPROV INTERACTIONS One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"

Jokes in this format are typically mini stories. It sets out a situation, events happen, and it concludes with a round-up punch line. As long as you have a sequence of events to tell – you have a story.

So you‟re telling stories all of the time. Now you have to sprinkle it with additives. MAKING THE STORY INTERESTING is the main concern for newbie storytellers. We don‟t want to bore the ass off of people, especially if our story is demanding some attention. I‟m guessing that‟s why we complicate a story. If it doesn‟t have drama or some “Hollywood blockbuster” style plotline to it- then there is no point in saying it. We feel our regular stories are mundane in comparison. Why would anybody want to hear about them? I went to the shops and tried that new triple-meat-threat sandwich. Big deal! You went to the park and fed the pigeons. Wow! We need to learn a structure so we can apply our creativity to it in the RIGHT way. So here is what needs to be answered… 165 | S T O R Y T E L L I N G

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE HOW DO I MAKE A STORY INTERESTING? It‟s not really a story unless people are listening to you. It‟s a social tool, hence why it is in this book with its own little chapter. Making it interesting to listen to is easy once you add in a few techniques. Imagine you are an archaeologist and you have just found a cave. On one of the walls are two collections of carvings- both depicting events. One of the carvings is a few pictures seeing a man sharpening his spear, and then walking along to go off for a hunt, and the end picture is him bringing back his kill. It‟s a story because it has events. Just to the right of it, you see the other carvings. It‟s another story that starts out a man sharpening his spear. He is walking along, but with a group of ten. The next picture depicts the group in confrontation with another. The carvings show a blood bath. Spears are piercing through chests and men are laid out on the floor. The end picture is of the same group winning and stood over the bodies in triumph. Which story did you feel you would always turn back to? I‟m guessing it would be the second story. Now, the length of the story is irrelevant. What‟s fascinating is what we appear to be naturally drawn to. We would be drawn back to that second story MORE because we wanted to see it played out. Sure, the timing of the pictures would create suspense, but why didn‟t the first one? We saw him carving a knife and walking along. We felt something was going to happen- but it didn‟t create an impact quite like seeing ten men following him. Seeing a group of men armed is symbolic for battle. So already we‟re getting an idea that is what is going to happen. However, we are not intrigued for sadistic means like death and chaos. We are curious about the emotional impact and interaction. 166 | S T O R Y T E L L I N G

IMPROV INTERACTIONS It‟s the emotions that stir is up to continue reading. With the quick kill, it was simply logical. Me caveman, me go kill. If he had come across a herd of lions and had to run for his life- we‟d have been intrigued by that story too. Just by a little comparison you can see that a few little additions really bring a story to life. TV and Films always work to reach this kind of effect. They want to create a story so compelling that you are drawn in to watch it till the end. So what do stories need?

1. PEOPLE AND INTERACTION When a man is alone like in the story going for a kill, there is really nothing that strikes you as interesting. He doesn‟t seem to be going through anything that captivates you. We are drawn to seeing people interacting. It gives us a chance to peer through the window and see how human beings play out their relationships together. It is some what voyeuristic for us to be intrigued watching people. But I feel it is more about us being curious about seeing their reactions. We want to be able to RELATE to them with empathy. Hearing a story about somebody alone is boring. We need to see them having an interaction with another person. That is why you going to the shop is not seen as interesting, not unless you come across a conflict with the shop-keeper, or a mugger, or a girl you fancy, or hiding from somebody you owe money to, or a friend you haven‟t seen in a long time etc. Storytellers refer to them as characters. They can play many kinds of various roles like your love interest or your mentor. Obviously, in our social life, we may not be so lucky as to have drama happening to us in our everyday lives, which is why you can‟t always rely on having drama for your story. 167 | S T O R Y T E L L I N G

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Believe me; it is not drama that we are interested in. All that is required from a story is that you have INTERACTIONS. In other words, people are involved- no matter how little of a role they play. Plus, I‟m sure you have watched documentaries on TV. The typical one is a man going into the wild or some harsh terrain and surviving for a number of weeks. Here, we see a man trying to survive on his own, yet we still find it compelling to watch, regardless of him having any kind of interaction with a human being. Why do we find it interesting even though he is alone?

2. EMOTIONAL RESPONSES AND EVOKING EMOTIONS Even in solo documentaries they have a unique ability to be interesting. If all we did was watch them on a camera, then we would not have any FEEDBACK to keep us watching. These types of documentary throw in an extra narrative technique. To compensate for the monotony of just observing, the man creates a video diary. Every night he will do a video and EXPRESS what he is feeling about the day he has had. Reality TV shows were such hits because they showed “real” emotional responses. We like to see how people REACT. The emotions do not have to be dramatic and over-the-top. Emotional responses are a way of expressing how you feel and what you think. Did you feel gutted? Excited? Aroused? Hurt? In a story, it’s more interesting to know how you felt, what you thought, and how you reacted- rather than just KNOWING what you did.

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IMPROV INTERACTIONS Evoking emotions is another thing you need to incorporate emotions to a story. We are all emotionally driven by stories. Think of ghost stories. We all enjoy them as something that evokes and arouses fear. Think of love stories. They evoke the feeling of love, belief and romanticism. Think of comedies and jokes. They evoke laughter. Without evoking emotions in others, then the story is just about us. We need to, once again, offer an investment. So even though you are telling a story about your own experience, you have to express it in a way that stirs up emotions. How do you evoke emotions? Simple! You tell them expressively about yours. One powerful emotion that is useful with stories is EMPATHY. Sitcoms and soaps are perfect at this, especially for women. Women pay attention to the characters and the situations they are playing out. Then they refer to it, “I can‟t believe that Sarah would kill Kevin like that. What was she thinking? He is so hot!” Evoking emotions does not come from saying specific lines. It‟s all about your DELIVERY, which I will get onto later. Realize that stories are there to get an emotional response. Simply telling somebody about something logical, like you going to buy a new tie- isn‟t very intriguing. But mention you went to one of the staff, who just so happened to be a gorgeous petite brunette. You thought your jaw had hit the floor so you kept tilting your chin back up. She took you to the ties, you flirted- and you ended up leaving the place buying loads of crap you didn‟t even want. You only needed a tie! Then the story comes to life. Did that really happen? It would if you took on the Improvisers attitude and took a risk.

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3. COMPLICATIONS AND SETBACKS Think of a film about a road trip. One suggestion is, conveniently, called „Road Trip‟. If they got in the car and drove from A to B without no hitches, no glitches, no breakdowns- then it becomes a LOGICAL story. People don‟t want logical and easy. We want events. We want something to happen. We want the guy to get the girl, then lose her because her ex came back on the scene, then see the first guy win her back. We want to see that action guy get fired before he goes out and kicks some serious ass. We want to see two dumbass guys ACTUALLY make it to Aspen, but we love their complications along the way. If your story is you getting from the beginning to the end without anything happening, then it‟s too simple. Mix it up by throwing in mini-setbacks. If you and your friend were taking a trip, make pit stops in remote places. Setup a tea table at the side of the road. Just BE SPONTANEOUS by thinking, How can you make this journey different? You don‟t need to be followed by psychotic murderers or pickup a hitchhiker who offered you some “magic beans”. Just try to live your life on a spontaneous streak and mix things up. OTHER STORY POINTERS The old cliché is, “A story must have a beginning, middle, and an end”. Seriously, I love how specific that quote is. Along with these…

DON’T TELEGRAPH A STORY This is the worst thing you can do. Asking if somebody wants to hear a story amplifies the expectations too much. 170 | S T O R Y T E L L I N G

IMPROV INTERACTIONS Instead, dive right in: You: You want to hear a story? I have this great one… - Versus – You: Oh I have to tell you this. Some guy with a peg leg…

MAKE IT UP AS YOU GO ALONG I don‟t mean LITERALLY make it up- Although adding a few gangsters in won‟t hurt the odd few times. Making it up as you go means all you need is a structure, like the beginning, the crucial events (ie- setbacks, interactions, dialogue), and the end. The detail and everything in between can be added as you go. Getting too caught up on getting EVERY single detail right will make you cock it all up. Those are really the only pointers necessary for a story within a social setting. Everything else is neither here nor there. Remember, these stories are being expressed in a SPONTANEOUS environment. Somebody could come and interrupt you. Your scenario could remind the other person of a story they want to tell you about. You have the elements to tell an interesting story. Now you need to give it some spark and lift…

REMEMBERING A STORY You do not have to remember a story word for word. The only thing you have to remember are the events, and make sure they are in the right order. There is nothing worse than hearing a story like, “And I went to get the car and….oh no wait, I went to the shop first and THEN I went to the c..no that‟s not it either. What did I do? …Oh yeah. I went outside and…”

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A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE As long as people understand the sequence of events, then it is all good in the hood. The padding out of a story with dramatics and unnecessary extra adjectives is up to you. Take the example about the fancy dress. To remember it, you have the event sequence in mind:

1. Needed to get outfit for a party. 2. Went to outfit shop, nothing I liked. 3. Asked a friend, she helped me out with a toga. 4. Turned up at the door. 5. Turns out I missed the text saying no fancy dress. 6. I walk around all night looking like an idiot.

The same applies with the mini joke. Englishman Scotsman Irishman walk into a bar. They all order a Guinness. A fly lands in each one. English- throw away. Scotsman- picks out and drinks it. Irishman holds fly over drink SPIT IT OUT

You could add in a conversation with them all or make them have a brawl fight over the table in the corner- whatever. As long as you have the events in sequence, then the joke/mini-story will work. Our memory works through associations. When you think of one thing, it generally tends to remind us of something else. So the key for that to work in your favour is to REMEMBER THE BEGINNING and REMEMBER THE END. 172 | S T O R Y T E L L I N G

IMPROV INTERACTIONS Everything else in the middle should usually pan out okay through the process of association. It helps if you know the conclusion you are trying to reach. The rest is simply padding it out. DELIVERY This is a hard section to write in a book. It is the visual and vocal element of a story. And ahem, the most crucial. You should know by now I‟m a big believer on radiating from the inside-out. If you have the right STATE of mind, then the story will just flow with tonality and expression. I‟m pretty positive you have told stories in a comfortable, confident and captivating way before. Maybe it relied on you being in the comfort of close friends, but nevertheless- you found it possible. But, I am also a big believer in learning by examples. I feel the best way to achieve that is through actors and stand-up comedians. When you look at these performers, well, the good ones anyway- it‟s hard to believe what they are doing is scripted. Their emotion and delivery communicates to you a feeling just through their body and voice. It gives the words vibrancy. With comedians their performance is one big monologue filled with anecdotes and thoughts. Even if they have to do 180 shows a year, they still pull off the same delivery with precision. Your story might be just words. But your delivery brings the words to life. If you say your lines with PRESENCE and with EMOTION and FLEXIBILITY- then that alone will draw people in to listening to your stories. An obvious way to model delivery then will be to watch your favourite performers and model them. Mimic their infliction and facial expressions. There is no point in telling you mine- we all have our own individual tastes and ideas of who is worthy of modelling. 173 | S T O R Y T E L L I N G

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE Write down an example story that you could probably tell, and apply modelling the delivery. The goal is not to fully embrace their way to tell a story. Your goal is to notice how your tone and body language reflects your story. Here are some tips that you need to pay attention to for delivery…

1. BE CONGRUENT WITH WHAT YOU ARE SAYING

You: I felt AB-SOLUTELY drained. You: It was REALLY exciting You: So I went quiet and snuck up behind them…

Those are just words on paper. It takes vocal inflictions, timing and emotion to bring those words to life. For example, with the „REALLY exciting‟, you have to amplify your tone a bit and suggest enthusiasm, otherwise the true meaning of what you are saying is going to be missed. It‟s the same for „went quiet and snuck up‟. To be congruent with those words, you go into almost a whisper. Match what you are saying with the same tone and infliction.

2. ACT IT OUT WITH MOTION You can‟t just sit there with your hands in your lap- you have to get dynamic. This relies on a sense of restraint because it‟s easy to get too enveloped in your story and infuse too much energy into it. Think of your energy as a levels meter. Zero is you being motionless; and for ten you have just won the lottery. Gauge your motion by that. Keep it at a respectable level. If you‟re getting too 174 | S T O R Y T E L L I N G

IMPROV INTERACTIONS into it or you are making people think, “whoa, crazy”- then tone it down. How do you know how to gauge it? Practice and modelling. It‟s something you need to feel and notice other people‟s reactions. And don‟t be disheartened. I doubt that every performer got up on stage and said their lines perfectly the first time around. You are getting a sense of yourself and your own delivery. You are developing it to a point where you are captivating without being over-bearing.

3. STEP INTO IT AND PLAY THE CHARACTERS This goes along with motion, and it‟s difficult to get used to this storytelling method- but it‟s amazing when you do it right. Instead of staying stationary, you play out the story as if it were a scene. You are painting a picture for anybody who is listening. You act out the same expressions as your characters had. You switch positions, even in your seat, to illustrate it as somebody else. You take on a different voice. You point out where everything is. No matter how small or insignificant your story is, using this kind of delivery gives it impact and brings it to life. It makes it 3-D. And your confidence in the story alone helps draw people in, like it‟s a feeling of “You HAVE to hear this”. The secret to developing this delivery is to STEP INTO THE STORY.

What most people tend to do is if they want to show they are scared- they pull the facial expression first. They try and manipulate their face to show they are scared. 175 | S T O R Y T E L L I N G

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE But what this does is it makes you self-conscious about whether you are doing it right. You‟ve been scared before. You‟ve been exited and thrilled before. That instinct to recall your emotions is in you. I‟m no actor, nor am I a comedian, but I do find the art of performance fascinating- and it‟s incredibly useful when you are in a social context, to be able to deliver and express yourself so dynamically. You capture and captivate attention. FEEL IT first. It all comes back to the „Inside Out‟ attitude. When you focus on the outside and how you appear, then you will lose your presence and captivation. The scared face will be distorted and look wrong. In the next section I will go into PRESENCE and FRAME CONTROL and tell you why it is so important to have these as part of your social character. Here, you need to realise how important these elements are in storytelling. They are the qualities which strengthen your DELIVERY of your stories. Telling a story suggests you are holding peoples attention for a number of minutes, however long it may be. Holding attention can‟t be achieved if you are stumbling over everything. It takes practice, but once you do it a few times- you can reel off a story on the spot with all of these actions happening naturally. WRAPPING UP Telling stories is a social necessity. They range from as small as you telling somebody what you did earlier today, to a full on fictional novel and the history of the world. Whenever you are sharing an experience, or saying what you‟ve seen and done, or explaining what even your friend did- you are telling a story. Logic does not cut it with stories. People need emotional investment, whether it is on your part by you expressing how you 176 | S T O R Y T E L L I N G

IMPROV INTERACTIONS felt and reacted, hearing about an interaction, or making them go on the ride with you. You do not need a huge audience to share a story; however, you do need to develop confidence in telling it to individuals as well as groups. You won‟t be able to add much to the conversation if all you depend upon is statements and questions. STORYTELLING SUMMARY - Stories are giving a detailed account of a sequence of events. Making a story interesting so people will listen is the only catch. - You make a story interesting by adding in elements, like evoking emotions, interactions and people, a message, implication and complications etc - Never telegraph a story, just jump right into it. People will catch on. - Remember the sequence of events, and then add your own interpretation and detail. - Delivery is important. To get the full effect, step into the story and play out the characters and expressions. Be dynamic.

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CHAPTER 11 MAKING CONVERSATION FLOW The techniques so far have been about the structure of an interaction. Now there is the addition of being able to think creatively on the spot… The trouble for most people who find it difficult in social situations is they fall into difficulties in keeping a conversation going. They feel they run out of things to say or their mind goes blank. They can‟t think up anything on the spot because of the social pressure. The routine move at that point is to revert back to their safety nets and try milking out some more drips and drops from their conversation- “So where did you say you were from again?” “Remember when you said ___________ earlier. Well…” I don‟t think it is a case of not having anything to say. Like I mentioned earlier, you can talk about socks and wheelbarrows if you wanted to, but the problem lies in the internal fear of not being interesting or looking like an idiot. A lot of this book up until this point has been focussed on that very issue. If you don‟t have the self-critic handled to the point where you can freely express yourself- then remember to keep that in mind as you continue this chapter. Now you have to learn some new concepts, which are to be able to contribute to a conversation, and also to follow up and feed from it.

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IMPROV INTERACTIONS We cannot sit there and let the other person talk endlessly until they run out of steam. We have to contribute and add something of our own to the interaction. THINKING ON YOUR FEET There are certain points during an interaction where you must step up and step in. Of course, every fibre of your being might be telling you to shut up and zip it. But we‟re past that now… Thinking on your feet means to be a bit more creative with your conversations. You feel free to diverge a bit from the obvious safe ways of doing it. A lot of the time our minds work in a linear fashion, especially when we are the shy and nervous type. We dare not make leaps of faith into unknown territory (in this case, new topics of conversation, initiating things to talk about etc). To get away from the conversation cycle means being a bit more loose

Nobody wants to sit there in silence struggling to think of things to say. It is why we always prefer being around people who we have commonalities with. We always have something on the backburner as safety zones which we know we can always bring up to talk about. So by learning how to achieve this thinking on your feet business, you will be strengthening your social creativity. TIMES AND WAYS TO CONTRIBUTE AND MAKE IT FLOW I‟ve done the math, and I believe there to be three times where conversations need a breath of fresh air. They either need to divert on to something else, or there is a pause/gap needing to be filled. 179 | M A K I N G C O N V E R S A T I O N F L O W

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE Being in a flow of conversation is great when you hit it off. You can‟t shut each other up! You both bounce back and forth from each other instinctively. Maybe it is about a similar band or film you like. Maybe you share the same views and opinions on something and you can discuss it for ages. But there comes a time when a conversation hits a peak. You can no longer talk about that film or discuss which leg you should put into your trousers first. And as it reaches its peak, more often than not our minds go blank. We search our memory banks, we rummage through our conversation to find points to bring back up, and we scan our eyes around to find something else to mention. “Oh look at that guy. Haha” …silence. Panic can hit you when you feel you have nothing else to say. All you can do is sit and wait for the other person to speak up. It doesn‟t even matter whatever they say- they can talk about spaghetti hoops, and you will latch on to it for dear life just to end the torment. Bit dramatic there I think…but ultimately true. The three main times where you have to throw in something new are: 1. Filling in after a pause, interrupt or downtime which resulted in silence. 2. Having to divert or create a new conversational thread. 3. Feeding from the conversation so you can add and contribute.

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IMPROV INTERACTIONS Now don‟t think about this too strategically or mechanical. You think on your feet ALL of the time. This is simply to make you aware of it so you have control and direction. Improvising is all about letting things flow. Half of the time you won‟t even think about it or assess what you are going to say. Your brain just LEARNS to come up with additions on the spot, and your “loose attitude” just goes with it. A creative mind is really all about giving you more options. You train your mind to have multiple thoughts, ideas and opinions that you can just throw out there. It is about reacting on the spot at these certain times during conversations with the right mindset. Every conversation hits them, so this way you are confident in your ability to spark up something on the spot. So…

1) FILLING IN THE SILENCE Conversations can be put on pause on a regular basis, and it‟s hard to get back to where you were. You can‟t always rely on being able to continue on with the same topic. How does this silence come about? Well in a number of ways. You could be rudely interrupted. However, normal interrupts are very easy to use as a stimulant for conversation. For example, you could have a phone call, or a friend passes by, or somebody spills a martini all down you. You then use the interrupts and bring them to light, like asking who was on the phone or about their friend. People tend to do that normally anyway. It would be rude to dismiss and override it like it‟s not happened. It‟s like not mentioning the elephant in the room. A harder form of silence is what I call DOWNTIME. This is where your conversation is reaching a peak and it is naturally 181 | M A K I N G C O N V E R S A T I O N F L O W

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE drifting off. It often ends in a hearty laugh together, and then you go quiet as you both think of what else to say. Downtime is harder because it is an actual need for diversion (also see point 2). You can‟t go back to what you were talking about for half an hour because trying to latch on to the topic will just saturate it even more. So at this point you will have to think on your feet and come up with something new to bring to the table- and I will explain how you do that in a bit. Filling in silence is difficult if you focus on the silence. What people tend to do is they look around and frantically search for something connected or related to what they have been talking about. But you don‟t necessarily have to do that. A conversation does not always need a transition from topic to topic. Coming up with something completely random or separate will suffice. Your only complication is to be creative enough to have something floating around in your head to work with.

2. CREATING CONVERSATIONAL THREADS Threads are just a fancy word for topics of conversation. This means if you are having a conversation, and it dies out, then you have to do what I just mentioned- which is come up with a new thread to both talk about. This can be hard for people who do not have their attitude and mindset in check. They will hesitate before offering anything they have in their head. They will then draw on something safe and simple, or even worse- a closed ended question to pass the buck over. I know, because that‟s what I used to do. If your attitude and mindset are aligned for you being comfortable expressing yourself and being spontaneous, then you will have very little limitations on how you approach this dilemma. 182 | M A K I N G C O N V E R S A T I O N F L O W

IMPROV INTERACTIONS Once again the new thread does not require any relation to what you have been talking about. You can go completely off on a new tangent and the other person will follow. Don‟t believe me? Well ask what you would do when you are being the one who is silent the longest. Whenever they pipe up with something, you grasp at what they say and go with it. So what‟s helpful in this situation is similar to filling in the silence. It is about having a number of possible threads in your head to go down. What you need to know is how to create these threads, by using not only what you observe around you, but also from your own head.

3. FEEDING FROM CONVERSATION You do not want to sit there and remain the little puppet that nods and smiles respectively. You want to INTERACT and CONTRIBUTE to the conversation. To do it, you need to listen and feed off of what they are saying. Questions and gesturing “a-ha” does not help the conversation flow. By you fully listening to what they are saying it allows you to use ASSOCIATIVE THINKING. Associations are the connections you make. Let‟s say you are having a conversation about their holiday in Spain, and they talk about the weather over there being so hot. An association for you would be to tell them of your time in another country, where it was absolutely freezing, or so hot you got sunstroke etc. If they mention they like ballet and you are not really into it, the obvious thing to do would be to ask a question back to let them just talk. But by thinking on your feet, you don‟t JUST depend on a question back. Your topic could divert into you respecting it but preferring street dance, or talking about guys who do ballet, or your 183 | M A K I N G C O N V E R S A T I O N F L O W

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE little sister did ballet and it was her dream until she got injured, or you would try it but the tutu wouldn‟t compliment your figure. All it is doing is listening to trigger thoughts for you to use and add. You are not limited to sticking to ballet. Basically, the rule is to listen so that you can feed off of what they are saying, and offer/add something of your own. If your focus is filled with self-consciousness or what to say next- then you miss the point and you become stuck.

These three moments during your interactions require you to have some additions of your own. It is so easy to get stuck in a loop of QUESTION – ANSWER – STATEMENT – QUESTION. You have to offer yourself. Questions do not allow you to do that, and neither do statements which are all about you you you. You need to develop a creative and associative mind so you have multiple avenues to go down. So here, I am going to help you spark up that creativity and show how you apply it in your interactions to help conversations flow. LOOSENING UP- THINKING CREATIVELY Let‟s not get it twisted- Creativity is not a stressful act, it is about play. When our mind works in a linear fashion we hook on to whatever we are given. So for example:

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IMPROV INTERACTIONS

Them: Oh I work for a bank.

That‟s a relatively closed off statement. The trap would be to continue talking about the bank. But who says you have to stay STRICTLY on the content? Creativity allows you to associate, distort and diverge. If you stick to BANK or WORK you will probably end up saying something like, “Oh. What is it like?…Do you like it? …How long have you worked there for?” You will stay in that thread loop of continually being focussed on the topic. Them: Oh I work for a bank You: Oh really? What’s it like? Them: Not too bad. Hoping for a promotion soon though. You: How long have you been working there for? Them: Been three years now You: That’s a long time…

Do you see how the conversation has no escape to go on to different things? It‟s too LINEAR in the approach. Also the idea of questions adds nothing. Sure, you get the facts- but it is what you DO with those facts which matters. NOTE: This does not mean you must ALWAYS diverge and be creative. These are tools for you to spice up interactions and keep conversations flowing. A lot of conversations tend to happen like the above example. But instead of feeling trapped in it and having no where to go with it- then this is your tool to help you out, rather than feeling anxious or quiet or shy.

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A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE And there are TWO main areas to creativity during conversations. After I will explain how to develop and implement them.

1. ASSOCIATIVE THINKING To diverge from the linear approach you want to implement all the tools I‟ve mentioned so far. These include: expression…statements…storytelling…and do it in a creative/playful fashion. By using associations…what does a bank remind you of? What thoughts does it trigger? Money? Robberies? Loans? Economic crisis? Credit cards? The atmosphere inside a bank? Do these thoughts offer any personal stories, experiences or knowledge? Have you had a loan? What did you use it for? How did you struggle with the crisis? How many credit cards do you have? What did you use them for? Ever fancied doing a bank robbery? Remind you of any films? It sounds long-winded, but these are the mechanics behind associative thinking. You can add these to the conversation… Them: Oh I work in a bank. You: Really? I have to say banks are not my friends at the minute. I have a £3,000 loan that I can’t pay off. I’m thinking of immigrating to Cuba and call myself Ramon. Them: Haha. Loans are okay as long as you put them to good use… You: That’s true. My girlfriend got a loan and only spent it on shoes and….well, more shoes I think. Them: I’ve never bothered with a loan. You: Have you never fancied anything you can’t afford straight away? I can be too impulsive. Them: I’m pretty good at saving. Although, I did see this amazing car the other day. God, I wish I could have bought that on the spot…

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IMPROV INTERACTIONS Just by throwing in the mentioning of a loan, the conversation diverges down a different path. All it required was for you to express something about yourself and not be focussed too much on the dead-end thread of work. You will also notice no questions were asked until the last bit. And that question was there to ADD more to the conversation. They both fed off of each other by picking up on what was mentioned and then relating it back. But each sentence had something different to include because they triggered off associations. It helps if you have somebody with the same technique in conversation. The other person may not be as „well equipped‟ with conversation skills as you, but it still helps to have this associative ability in mind- at least for your own benefit. For example… Them: Oh I work in a bank. You: Really? I have to say banks are not my friends at the minute. I have a £3,000 loan that I can’t pay off. I’m thinking of immigrating to Cuba and call myself Ramon. Them: £3,000? What did you get it for if you don’t mind me asking? You: A jet-ski. Bit impulsive of me really. Them: Oh so you live near the coast? You: Not exactly. In fact, no where near. That explains the impulsiveness.

This is turning into my own little interview. I need to create some interaction. Smack that ball back into their court- rinse, and repeat until the interaction sparks… You: …Are you a sea lover?

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A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE I did not have to be LINEAR and ask „where do you live?‟ in return. I plucked on an association (Jet Ski > coast > sea) and ran with it… Them: I LOVE the sea. My dad used to have his own boat so we tried to get out every month. You: Trade you for the jet-ski? …My dad never had a boat but he was a fishing enthusiast. He tried getting me involved but I never had the patience for it. Them: We never went fishing actually. We just kept it in the harbour or took it out and slept there for the night. What put you off fishing? You: The time aspect never did it for me. As a kid I always climbing trees and up to mischief. Them: haha. Same for me…

It‟s amazing how much you can divert a topic of conversation. Both of these conversations started with a simple statement, “I work in a bank”. By using the skill of association and not fearing diversion you can keep the conversation going. Don‟t think that you have to be “respectful” and ask them questions or show intrigue just to prove you are listening. A lot of our habit to reciprocate means we ask the same question back to them, ie- where do you live? You can always come back later and bring up the point that they work in bank and ask them about it. You seeing how this works yet?

2. PLAYFULNESS If you have a closed off and restricted attitude, then there is no chance of you ever being playful. What exactly is playfulness? Playfulness is associated with children. We see them playing with their toys and in their imaginary little worlds. We see them hanging a coat off the back of their necks and pretending to fly around like superman. 188 | M A K I N G C O N V E R S A T I O N F L O W

IMPROV INTERACTIONS Relax…playfulness isn‟t all about a pretend reality. Well, in some cases it is. But overall playfulness is diverging from the rules. Our common protocol for conversations is to be respectful, polite, and stay between the lines. So if you are offered a questionyou answer it honestly, unless you‟re in front of a jury. If you are walking along the street with a date, you stay polite and make sure her needs are met. If you are with somebody who is perceived high value, you tighten up and stay quiet and tense so you don‟t screw it up. Playfulness diverges away from the usual DEMAND – COMPLY reality. Not just the demands of the person you are interacting with, but social norms in general. Complying with these demands is a result of being TOO SERIOUS. If you are too tight assed then half of the playful actions will seem absurd to you. You will fear you will look stupid and down play your value too much. Take it upon yourself to be spontaneous and random. It isn‟t asking that you get all giddy and fly around like superman. I have to point out that playfulness in the adult world is different from a child‟s world. Nevertheless, the rules still applywhich are to: Have a light hearted approach to interactions, and a less serious attitude about yourself.

You are allowed to do practical jokes; tease; lie unconvincingly; role-play; initiate little games etc. Being playful is a sign of extreme confidence. Who nowadays has the balls to step away from the obvious? Examples of playfulness are things like… 189 | M A K I N G C O N V E R S A T I O N F L O W

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE - Order a takeaway, and then answer the door in a spider-man outfit. - Answer only in questions to those damn customer phone calls you keep getting. - Decide who has to pay for the meal by playing rock, paper scissor. - Grab ANY recipe from a cookbook and commit to cooking it, along with the Italian chef hat and accent. - Direct somebody the wrong way if they ask you for directions. Always involve three lefts. - Xerox your ass. You know you thought about it. - Dance. - If the boss comes up with a bad joke, say “that‟s it, you‟re fired.” In fact, just do a search on Google for “funny things to do while _____________” because playfulness is the fusion of fun and humour. Imagine or remind yourself how boring conversations get without playfulness. As we get older the playfulness is kicked out of us. We lose it. When you‟re with a group of friends you probably hit a natural playfulness anyway, but it only happens when you are COMFORTABLE enough. What you need to do is lower the threshold at which you feel comfortable. Otherwise your interactions become seriously limited. The playfulness does not directly contribute to carrying on a conversation. It allows you both to open up. SPARKING CREATIVITY Do you still feel like you can‟t be creative and playful? Do the thoughts of doing those things and just letting go not agree with who you are?

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IMPROV INTERACTIONS It‟s understandable if you feel that way. And if you do, then go back to the beginning and work on your identity again. Achieving this “looseness” within your self comes from within. You can’t be loose if you are always putting up mental blocks like, “It’s just not me”.

Or if you think you will not know what to do, or what to say, or everything you do will just look stupid- then you will always shy away and go back to your old ways. When you have that “looseness” and freedom to think “Sod it” and run with it- then that‟s 80% of what you need. The rest is mechanics. So here I am going to offer some suggestions on how to think creatively. But I want to encourage your own creativity, and to do that you have to ask yourself one question: What can I do differently to add to the interaction?

Through these suggestions we want to achieve three things: 1) Tuning in your associative thinking for multiple options and flow. 2) Help you to think about how to do things differently. 3) Loosen you up to be more flexible.

I want these suggestions to be things you can do while living your every day life. I don‟t want to be the guy who says, “Spend an hour a day doing this and you will be great”. 191 | M A K I N G C O N V E R S A T I O N F L O W

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE We only have 24 hours in a day. Being social should be a process we do automatically AS we live out our lifestyle and hobbies, and not something you put aside time for to get better at. You should learn these things as you go, or in other words- on your feet. The actions do not have to be specific. They are just ideas on how to DIVERGE from the obvious. By sparking your own creativity, you can no doubt come up with your own ideas on how to loosen up. The suggestions I use here are primarily improv based. They are used mainly in comedy panel shows. Anything that sparks creativity and gets a laugh has a tick in my book. Yes, they are “games”, but they are encouraging your playfulness. Many people get bored nowadays because they lack the curiosity and mindset to just be creative and play. Do you have to do these games out loud? Hmmm, you can if you want to. But when you are by yourself it can be a bit far fetched. However, do it if you want. In fact, screw it- yes, do them out loud. It is not the games themselves that are the prime focus. They are mental exercises. SEEING AND DOING THINGS DIFFERENTLY We take the obvious for granted and never question it. So we can watch a film scene, and believe it is the only way it will play out. The actions and dialogue are all congruent. So turn off the sound, and REACT to only the body language of the actors- and create your own dialogue. It doesn‟t have to be any famous film. The idea is to help you see things differently through interpretation. You could see a heated argument between two mafia bosses. With the sound off, you have no idea about the content. You could be playful and think he‟s saying “I can‟t believe you stole my sandwich!”, then you imagine what the guy says in return.

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IMPROV INTERACTIONS The other way to achieve this is to people watch. Sit outside somewhere and watch as people walk past. Give them their own background story and names. Don‟t censor yourself- this is about loosening up your spontaneity and going with your initial thoughtsyour associations. Captioning pictures implements the same methods. Flick through any media, newspaper or magazine. There are always plenty of pictures. Instead of looking at the caption with the picture- make up your own. Or use the initials of the caption title and fill in the rest. It funny, it‟s playful. But the importance of these mini games is to encourage you to step away from the obvious. It is helping you to come up with MULTIPLE OPTIONS. Film Dub: Turn the sound off and fill in the dialogue. Do the dialogue as an actual character and with accents. It will come in useful for storytelling. People watch: Sit around in a public place, and think to yourself possible backgrounds for people, or possible names and occupations. Picture Caption: Flick through newspapers and caption the pictures with your own speech bubbles or thoughts and captions. Also use the initials of the caption title to create your own.

CREATING AND FLOWING ON THE SPOT The games above require you to have a stimulus for you to work with. For these mini playful acts, you are just given a general thought or topic- and you have to run with it. Here is where you get a chance to throw away logic and staying in between the lines. You are free to create.

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A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE If you have ever heard of „The Aristocrats‟ joke, well these are examples of that- only more clean cut. All you are doing is flowing with wherever your mind takes you. It‟s uncomfortable at first because every part of you may be hesitating to just go with it. It also proves to you you have multiple thoughts coming through your head all of the time, especially when you are triggered. It‟s hard to know which thought to run with. But with practice, you learn to spin your thoughts into ministories, or lead them into other areas. And who said the stimulus you receive has to be logical? A creative mind has the ability to use whatever is thrown out there, and twist/distort it so it connects to what you are talking about. So with the example of „Two Way Argument‟- you have to come up with a topic that can be used for a debate. For example, Men are more vein than women. This is an example of a trigger to see where your mind takes you. You don‟t go away and plan out an answer- you give it on the spot with only your mind and creativity available to you. You look at a picture and use it to explain how it argues for that point. Then when you‟re in mid-flow, you flick the page over and see another picture- only this time you have to argue AGAINST the point. How would it go? (see a picture of a bear rubbing itself up on a tree) As you can see, men are clearly more vein than women. We don’t care who watches as we casually scratch ourselves, burp, or fart- even in public. We take these as an act of pride. We love ourselves SO much that we really do not care who watches us during these acts. We are worth the observation… (A gold watch advertisement) But women go to extreme lengths to pamper themselves. I have to invite my girlfriend two weeks in advance to a party JUST so she has enough time to get ready. It’s absurd. And the amount of dresses this

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IMPROV INTERACTIONS woman goes through- MY god. She can try on her whole wardrobe and not want to wear any of them…which to me only confirms her taste in clothes thus far has obviously been SO SHIT that even she doesn’t like them anymore.

And so on…and they don‟t have to be pictures. It could be a lyrics of a song, or a sound-byte from a film. Use any kind of stimulus to help you be creative and connect it to the topic at hand. Think about how this will be useful in a conversation. If somebody throws out a topic about, I don‟t know, volcanoes- what creative thing could you do to add to it? You may not know a thing about volcanoes, but you can still be creative with it. With this skill of free-flowing creativity, you will never run out of conversation. You have the mental ability of bringing whatever is around you or on your mind to the table. Two Way Argument: Think up a debate topic. Then grab a magazine and react to the first picture there. Then, as you go, flick the page, and use another picture to argue for the opposition. On the spot story: Pick any word that catches your eye, or even a picture, and create a story it reminds you of. Make it up as you go along, using one event to trigger off another. Non Stop Topic: Take on any topic, and talk about it for as long as you can. A topic could be something like “my favourite words”. Go with whatever thoughts and deviations that spring to mind.

These methods can sound rather unconventional to learn the art of conversation. You would expect to be learning techniques which help you to listen and rephrase back, or to come across as likeable and pleasant.

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A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE However, I believe by coming from this angle you learn a much greater and valuable skill. You learn to make conversation playful and interesting, whilst becoming more confident in your ability to take on anything thrown at you by thinking on your feet. It works at overcoming the social fears and anxieties of the unknown. So no, they are not your typical dialogue exercises. And you do not have to sit there for an hour practicing them every day. You do these to kill boredom; to make yourself laugh; to brighten up your day; to add some humour into your life; Do whatever you can throughout your everyday life to implement creativity and playfulness- loosen yourself up. WRAPPING UP Making a conversation flow relies on breaking the habit of sticking to a LINEAR approach and being “respectable”. To do that you have to loosen up so you can be creative and playful. There is nothing worse than being stuck in a loop and desperately searching for a way to break out of it into something new and fresh. Don‟t resign yourself to thinking in the conventional and polite ways during conversation. You are allowed to be playful and not always reply to in the obvious ways. MAKING IT FLOW SUMMARY - Our mind can go blank on a regular basis. To overcome that, you have to be creative with your responses and thinking process. - When conversations hit peaks, like when it goes silent, there is an interrupt or pause, or the conversation dies out- that is when you pipe up. - Create new threads. Fill in silences. Add and contribute. 196 | M A K I N G C O N V E R S A T I O N F L O W

IMPROV INTERACTIONS - Sparking associative thinking allows you to use the conversation to trigger other avenues of conversation. - Accept, Agree and add/diverge. - Playfulness is an attitude. Don‟t be so serious about looking silly. - Add creativity to your life by doing things differently. See the world in a new way by mixing it up. Ask yourself how you can do that. - You don‟t always have to be diverging from the obvious. But do as much as you can to spark creative thinking. That way, you will never run out of things to say. You can always distort something in your head to be a possible talking point.

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PART THREE BEYOND INTERACTIONS

How to have a strong unshakeable presence, including with groups and attracting women.

A GUY’S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE

CHAPTER 12 FRAME CONTROL Everybody has their own idea of reality. When you interact with a lot of people, you have to be sure you can hold your own, otherwise you run the risk of being pulled in all kinds of directions… One day a segregated bus was travelling through Montgomery, Alabama. An African-American woman got on the bus and sat in the “black section”. It was a long journey and the bus became full. So on the next stop, a few more white people got on and were in need of a seat. The African-American’s were told, by rule, they had to give up their seat. Many of the passengers got up and surrendered their seat- but one woman was defiant to move until she was arrested. ULTIMATE frame control under pressure.

WHAT IS A FRAME? For Rosa Parks to be able to act in that way, she had to have a VERY strong frame to hold up against a majority. In social situations similar things like this can happen, only not to such an extreme. DEFINITION OF FRAME A frame is your reality and your world. We’ve all heard the phrase, “Frame of Mind”, and that’s literally what it is. Imagine a frame as an ACTUAL picture frame. What does it do? It wraps around something to contain it, and keep it there.

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IMPROV INTERACTIONS You have a frame wrapped around your identity. Let’s say you are a brilliant technician. Then, somebody comes along and says to you, “You’re not very good at it are you?” If you believe what they say, and they have convinced you that you are not REALLY a brilliant technician, then congratulationsthey have stolen your frame. We all perceive the world differently. Yes, we OBSERVE the same world, but what is more important is HOW WE INTERPRET our observations. I don’t want to over complicate what a frame actually is, so here is another example of somebody taking your frame: (You walk in wearing a pink top. You thought you would try it out and do something different) ENTER Asshole. Asshole: What the hell are you wearing that for? Haha, you trying to stand out or something? It really is not your colour man. Get rid of it.

You BELIEVED the pink suited you and it didn’t look too bad (your reality). It was a fun and playful choice. However, because somebody countered that with a stronger assertion- you no longer wear that pink top. The ASSHOLE’S FRAME (his reality) suggested you should switch and change back. He made fun of you. Are you going to buy into his reality and do as he says? HOLDING YOUR FRAME would have relied on you either brushing it off and reminding yourself internally it was a good choice, or replying back with something like: You: I quite like it. I’m definitely going to wear it again.

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A GUY’S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE You stood your ground, you kept your belief- you held your frame. WHY YOUR SOCIALLY

FRAME

IS

SO

IMPORTANT

Think of a pack of wolves. They all put themselves in an order to create a strong structure. You have the top dog (alpha), then the secondary dog (beta), then the enforcer, and so on. It’s a form of hierarchy to keep some level of order within the group. The alpha male gets the best of the lot. He is usually the one with the stronger physical presence and assertive attitude. That gives him a STRONG FRAME. Because of his high value, it’s hard to imagine one of the younger wolves ever trying to take him on. If they do, his physical strength would over power them- and once again he will MAINTAIN his frame. If he doesn’t hold on to that frame, he gets knocked down to a lower rank. So he must constantly assert his status and dominance (his own reality and frame). That is what happens in the animal world, and the same can happen for us. It is not as clear for us as it is in a pack of wolves, so let’s take it to the working environment to illustrate it. FRAMING- THE BOSS VERSUS BUDDY You have a manager at your work, aka BOSS. That is how you frame him and perceive him. If you had met the same person out somewhere in an informal setting, then you would frame him as a friend. It is all a matter of context.

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IMPROV INTERACTIONS

It’s the same person, but a different frame based on the situation.

Because you frame him as a boss he will no doubt have an authority over you- and you will act accordingly to that belief. It would be difficult for you to go against his decisions without feeling an internal defiance to it. You will feel an inner pressure, even if you disagree with him. You won’t feel right doing it, not unless you were an assistant manager- ie, an authority yourself. In a friendly environment, the “boss” may be quiet and shy. On the other hand, you are the popular and friendly guy who everybody loves. Your popularity gives you a STRONG FRAME. It’s amazing how it is the same person, yet a different context creates a completely different frame. And because of those frames, you behave and act in different ways towards them. BACK TO WHY FRAME IS IMPORTANT With the understanding of how our frame creates our position, you can understand how people (including ourselves) test other peoples frames all of the time, including how they can easily take yours. A lot of us become victim to it. Bullying is the most common way it happens. When we allow people to take our frame by demoralising us- it shatters our confidence, our esteem, and our sense of who we are. Nobody wants to purposefully put themselves in a position where they are low in status, to a point where they continue to bully themselves. So socially, it is VITAL you learn to hold on to your frame and sense of self. You do not want to be in a position where you are constantly overpowered and overthrown. 205 | F R A M E C O N T R O L

A GUY’S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE Don’t get me wrong, frame control is not all about thinking the world is out to get you. Frame control is holding your own, and choosing not to constantly step into other people’s reality. Observe what I mean when we put it in another context. FRAME AND ATTRACTION I am not saying this so you can be all macho. Stealing your frame even happens with you and another girl. If you constantly lose your frame to her she sees you as being weak and she will lose any kind of attraction for you. Girls throw up tests of your frame all the time. They don’t do it consciously but they are pretty consistent. Imagine if a girl says to you: Girl: Well aren’t you going to buy me a drink?

Her frame of reality is, “This guy is already attracted to me, so I can get away with asking for it.” The clearly obvious BAD response, yet oh so typical, would be: You: Yes baby, whatever you want. Is it the same as last time?

You’ve just jumped into her frame and confirmed her reality. And you know you’ve jumped into her frame because your action (buying a drink) is for HER benefit, not your own. A stronger frame would have deflected the request. A strong frame would have emphasised, “I am of value. What have you done to deserve it?” (your stronger frame of reality)

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IMPROV INTERACTIONS People can walk all over you if you consistently have a weak frame. It then acts as your reputation and position, which is very hard to recover from if you let it slip. So it’s ESSENTIAL to always hold a strong frame and not let it become influenced or sabotaged by other people. Have a high value of yourself. Hold on to your values in the same manner as Rosa Parks did in the bus example at the beginning. Rosa could have easily said “Oh, Sorry” and moved out of her seat. It’s an extreme example, but it illustrates perfectly how when we are tested it is easy to cave. CLEARING UP THE CONFUSION What I am saying DOES NOT mean be a prick. A STRONG FRAME means you are secure in who you are. It does not mean ignoring what everybody says. It also does not mean you are a boss or of extreme importance, throwing your weight around and getting your way all of the time. That’s defined as arrogant. A strong frame is not proven – it is observed.

When you have a strong frame people can sense it. It’s easy to take advantage of this state and abuse it by being dominating. You can easily find yourself being “up your own ass” so to speak. As the statement suggests, all a strong frame requires is you work on your attitude, values and beliefs- and then project it to the world. You don’t force or push it on anybody- you just get on with it. Then if your values are contradicted by people, or your beliefs are questioned, or you are tested by others- you have the mental ability to deflect them and still remain consistent with your core self. 207 | F R A M E C O N T R O L

A GUY’S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE KEEPING A STRONG FRAME Nobody should be able to influence and bend your behaviour. Events will happen in your life that makes you question your reality and how you see it. But this is life. It is always changing and demands you try and keep up. All you have to be concerned about is how other people try and knock your frame and status. If you succumb to it, then your position and hold in life will get lower and lower. Once people believe you have a weak frame, it can be hard to recover from. For example, you might be laid back and always “going with the flow”. People think, “Oh we’ll ask _____. He’s sure to agree to it”. And one day you decide not to agree. You get startled looks from your peers and they say “haha. Oh c’mon. Don’t be stupid”. You can feel awkward in trying to affirm yourself because you’ve always been easy-going. There is nothing wrong in being easy-going, except when you are in the position to be disagree and want the others to respect that. WAYS TO HOLD YOUR FRAME Basically, holding your frame is all about remaining firm and not caving. As I mentioned earlier, it’s not about being another stubborn asshole. Being flexible is a prerequisite of a strong frame. So how do you handle it when people play with your frame?

1) ASSERTIVENESS You are in a work meeting…at work, obviously. There is a mini debate going on about taking on a new range of printers. There are 12 people in the room including you. After a long debate, the boss then calls for a show of hands. Eleven people put up their hands to take on the new printers. 208 | F R A M E C O N T R O L

IMPROV INTERACTIONS You’ve looked over the new range and believe they will cost more in the long run. You just think your boss is trying to be way too modern and not thinking about costs at all. So you keep your hand down. The boss looks at you, making everybody else turn around and stare as well: Boss: Jim (your name is Jim by the way), we need everybody on board if we’re going to do this…

The social pressure is intense. But you truly believe it needs going over again. Everybody is looking at you for an answer… You: I just don’t think they’ll be very cost effective.

The boss goes into another rant trying to convince you. You: It’s best if we go over the plans again.

A few sighs of disappointment echo around the office. They think you are being awkward, unless you have already been established as somebody who knows what they are talking aboutthen they will respect your position AND your frame. That’s another intense example of being assertive to hold your position. The temptation would be to get reactive and go through the motions of trying to convince everybody. A person with a strong frame just BELIEVES in his opinions. It is not a meeting to convert people. Another example of being assertive, but socially, is when you are talking and you are interrupted. You’re in mid-story talking about how you had to befriend the locals in some quiet village near Tanzania. 209 | F R A M E C O N T R O L

A GUY’S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE

You: …So they circled around us expecting me to walk on these coals and… Dude: (jumping) Oh my god I have to tell you about this now, you just reminded me…

His enthusiasm and energy is strong to tell his tale. The people listening to your story turn to the commotion. You on the other hand were in the middle of story-time. It would seem weak to just pass over to the dude. You have to be assertive, yet at the same time not attention seeking. You: Oi. I’m talking here. Move it.

The above would clearly be a bad choice of phrase. It sounds too forceful and dominating. To keep your frame with assertion and keep respect, you have to find a balance. So in a calm, relaxed, but resonant tone: You: (put your hand on his shoulder) Easy tiger. I’ll just wrap this up and then we can listen to yours. So I was stood in front of these coals…

By staying firm and calm, you keep your frame AND respect. Plus, you didn’t wait for him to pounce back in. You took charge and went straight back in to your story. If you had waited for his reaction, his energy may have overwhelmed your firm state. On top of that, you encouraged him by saying you are willing to listen to it afterwards as soon as you are finished. That’s offering mutual respect already. Being assertive relies on a self-assured and confident mindset. Pressure can easily sway you, so work on finding respectable ways to hold your frame whilst still being assertive. 210 | F R A M E C O N T R O L

IMPROV INTERACTIONS

2) IGNORING Sometimes people stealing your frame just isn’t worth the exertion. These usually fall into the categories of people who can just tell are doing it out of ego validation. Typical cases are your assholes and bullies. They will throw in some negative attitude towards you and try to get a rise out of you. I believe you will know it when you experience it. Just simply ignore it and brush it off. The other case is when women try to steal your frame. Like, if a woman says to you: Woman: Haha, you should count yourself lucky I’m spending time with you.

It’s a sly way of trying to put her above you in terms of value. Don’t bite. These types of frames are there to test how much you sucker up to people. If you try and change her frame, you will get suckered into a loop. You: No I think you are lucky to be spending time with me ;-).

Where can you go from there? You’ve gained nothing. Her sense of reality will make her think, “Yeah Yeah, whatever”. The best way would be to ignore the statement and move on to another topic of conversation. You: If you say so ;-). Anyway, I was dangling by my feet…

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A GUY’S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE Will it cause tension if you ignore? It can do, but not if you do it sincerely and throw into something else. And what if you ignore and they keep on riding you? Some people can be quite persistent in pushing your buttons. You can do the old western move of a “stare off”. Look at them until they break. Oh yeah- bad boy baby. Or, the easier solution would be a gentle nod and smile, and then turn your body away slightly. You have to do it in a confident manner. When push comes to shove, not many people are willing to be too eager. They will soon fade out and believe their efforts to knock you didn’t work. They’ve made an idiot out of themselves.

3) AGREE TO REFRAME You can’t be assertive or ignore all of the time. You will come across as a complete ass who never see’s things from other people’s point of view. What I find useful is to STEP INTO a frame, and then reframe it to your advantage. The idea is you don’t immediately pass it off as them trying to knock your frame. You agree or affirm what they are saying. You understand by now that people throw out frames (or hoops) to see how shakeable you are. They don’t do it intentionally. It is usually on some subconscious level. They don’t actually go through the mental process of wanting to be malicious. But it’s not enough just knowing it- you need to learn how to handle it. Reframing is as it says- it is accepting their reality, and then changing it. It works because two people can look at the same thing and get two completely different opinions about it. You can see a woman in a short skirt and automatically think “attention seeking”. Ask her how she feels about the short skirt, and she frames it as her wanting to be sexy and feel good. 212 | F R A M E C O N T R O L

IMPROV INTERACTIONS Same skirt, different ideas (frame of reality). Reframing in a social context means doing the exact same thing. When people throw something at us- we need to ask ourselves how much they are trying to bend or shake our behaviour/values/beliefs etc. Sometimes their statements or actions could be innocent. We also need to reframe our self talk. Somebody can be looking at us, and if we are always coming from an inferior framewe will assume they are looking at us and judging us negatively. Changing it will mean coming from a confident frame. That way when you notice the same glance at you- you will REFRAME it as them checking you out in a positive manner…or picturing you naked. Meow. Same stare, different ideas (frame of reality). A woman wanting a drink: Her: Aren’t you going to buy me a drink? You: Okay baby, what do you want? -VersusYou: That’s a good idea. But we’ll make it interesting. You buy me a drink and see if you can guess which one I like. (Credit to Wayne Elise of ‘Charisma Arts’) The infamous pink shirt: Asshole: What the hell are you wearing that for? Haha, you trying to stand out or something? It really is not your color man. Get rid of it. You: I quite like it… -VersusYou: Oh tell me about it. But I love being adventurous and spicing things up a bit.

In the above example, you reframed yourself from you having bad fashion sense to you being adventurous. Same shirt, different ideas. Is it becoming clear to you yet? 213 | F R A M E C O N T R O L

A GUY’S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE Don’t always go out of your way to try and reframe every situation. It helps if you can do it in a positive way for your inner talk, for example. But reframing everything people say to you can seem “stuck up”. Sometimes it actually requires you to step in to another persons frame. It shows sincerity and you are actually showing reciprocation. Bottom line- holding your frame gets you respect when it is done in the right way. The above three ways are simple ways to hold your frame, whilst at the same time still keeping your respect and integrity. And then the ultimate test of frame control… CONFLICT OF TWO STRONG FRAMES Ah the head on collision. You will not be the only one having a strong frame. Imagine you are out with your friends having a great time in a VIP club. You’re respected and you have a strong frame and presence to support that. Within the group are plenty of girls. But while in the club, a famous Hollywood hunk comes along: Tom: Hey guys, we need some people over here with this shoot. Are you willing to be an extra?

It’s a glamorous example to spark your imagination of high status, and you can already assume the girls will go flocking over. Here is where the prick bit comes in. You can puff up your ego and go dive in: Your ego: Ah Tom, I don’t think so. We’re in the middle of something here. Tom: Are you sure? Ladies, what do you think? (the girls drool as they walk over)

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IMPROV INTERACTIONS Your ego: I said no Tom: Well, I don’t think that’s how it’s going to play out.

You tried to hold your frame, but unfortunately- you fell into an “I’m trying to put my foot down in a me Tarzan you Jane way” frame. In a real life situation, you may not be so lucky to interact with a guy like Tom. You may run into guys who try holding their frame by tapping into their ego as well- and that runs into CONFLICT. Then it’s a case of who will back down before you lock horns. Holding your frame when in the presence of somebody MORE SECURE than you can be difficult. They run the show, and a typical “I’m going to hold my frame here” response would be to exaggerate above them. But it’s not needed. Rather than locking horns and trying to be the one with the most status: Try to align with and befriend the person who exhibits a stronger frame

It’s silly to always hold a STRONGER frame in those circumstances. It is much wiser and to your benefit if you hold the frame of INTEGRITY. Don’t turn into a sour puss and sit at the back sulking while the other guy (or guys, or girl) run the show. Align with them. Shake their hands and become their friend. This is not to be on some Machiavellian trip to overthrow them. This is about integrity and mutual respect. Don’t always think you have to disagree with them or say “No” to everything they suggest. Not everybody will follow your way of thinking. As a person with a strong frame, you accept that. You are secure enough in your own world.

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A GUY’S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE Accept that you will run into people who have a stronger frame than you. They may have elevated status because of some external attribute. Just when you think you have a high position in your social circle, somebody can come along and throw you out of sync. This is the real test of your frame. When you can remain in control without trying to be dominant or assertive. SILENCE IS A FRAME Interactions always come across silence. It’s a point where everybody feels a social pressure. The question is: who is going to fill the silence? It is waiting for somebody to speak up. If you finish off with a statement, and it is not reciprocated for whatever reason- HOLD IT. At that point it is not up to you to ease the pressure. If you are the one who constantly ends the silence, then you are always caving in to the frame AND the pressure. That means you are the one doing all of the work, and it will then be expected of you all the time. The same applies with questions. If you ask a question and you get an, “Uhm…I don’t know”, social pressure would be forcing you to say something like: You: Oh it’s okay…

…and you ease their pressure. The SILENCE FRAME is a necessary moment for interactions to develop. So don’t keep feeling the pressure and giving in to it.

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IMPROV INTERACTIONS Hold back. Even lean back and have a drink while you wait. Your body language will suggest they have to fill in the silence at times. WRAPPING UP I apologise if I have made this chapter sound like everybody is out to get you. I’m sure you know that is not the case. The reality is that it is so easy to have other people influence your state of mind and behaviours. Your goal is not to reach the top. Your goal is to not have everybody agree with everything you say, or go along with everything you want to do. Your goal is to hold your own. Not only is it something that gives you HIGH VALUE for success, but it is also attractive to the opposite sex as well. In our culture nowadays we cannot go out and knock heads whenever our frame and status is violated. We have to work on our social skills of having a strong presence, being firm and assertiveall whilst showing respect. FRAME CONTROL SUMMARY - Frame is about holding on to your own reality. Being unshakeable. - A frame establishes you as a strong firm identity. If you constantly step into other peoples frames, ie- they think you look stupid, you step into it…they know you are attracted to her, you step into it…then your position in society will always be weak and a follower. - A STRONG frame is not proven, it is observed. You do not go out of your way to purposefully establish it. Your actions and conviction speak for themselves. 217 | F R A M E C O N T R O L

A GUY’S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE - The one who is most UNREACTIVE is the one who controls a frame. Reacting means they have shook you up and manipulated you. Stay cool. - You do not try and drag people into your frame. - Main ways to maintain your frame: being assertive about what you want, while offering respect. Two, just ignore the statement. And three, agree to what they say and reframe it.

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CHAPTER 13 PRESENCE Presence is your vibe and the way you stand out as somebody with a strong energy and personality… We all want it. It‟s human nature to want to have people aware of us so our value and status stand out. We don‟t want to hide in the shadows. Some people may cower behind shyness, but I‟m pretty sure the desire to stand out lurks somewhere deep within them. So what is presence?

DEFINITION OF PRESENCE Presence can be taken for its literal meaning, “to be present”. But we can all be present within a room. Presence is something more than that. It is about being captivating. It is about commanding attention so when you walk into the room- people are aware of you. When they look at you, they can‟t quite put their finger on it, but you just exude some magnetic energy which makes you appear “larger than life”. It is not the old cliché of the film scenes- where somebody walks into a room, the music stops and everybody turns around. And it is not some big beam of light energy that makes everybody drawn to you, paving a path before you that leads to your throne, akaseat. All great people who have made an impact for change have charisma. They have an impact on you and make you WANT to listen to them. But even without the limelight, there are probably charismatic people around you right now. Managers and CEOs have to implement charisma and presence into their attitude; otherwise they wouldn‟t have hundreds of employee‟s working for them. They don‟t depend on fame or riches or public spotlight. 220 | P R E S E N C E

IMPROV INTERACTIONS We can usually look at people and determine whether they are shy or confident just by the way they walk and move. We can look at the way people dress and fit them with certain characteristics. In the same way we can look at somebody and pick up on their stability (strong frame) and strength of character. So presence and charisma are not just defined for performers and people of importance. They have to be a part of you so that you are not constantly in the background.

It is for people who put themselves out there and who want to be LEADERS

Not in terms of a country, but leaders of their own lives and interactions.

GOING BACK TO WOLVES When you look at a pack of wolves, they will probably all have the same kind of external features, maybe even the same kind of fur. They are not as noticeably different as humans are with our facial features and bodies. But you can probably look at a pack of wolves and notice which one is the top dog. Why? It‟s because of his presence. His certainty in his position is reflected through his mannerisms. He‟s not twitchy, he doesn‟t pace around frantically. He has a job to do. And to keep his position, he cannot show weakness otherwise the wolves will sense it.

Wolves are similar in appearance, but you can still pick the strong ones standing out

Think of a Prime Minister, or a President, or somebody of great importance. If we observed them as being weak, Ie- diverting their eyes, stammering voice etc…then they do not have the presence of a leader. 221 | P R E S E N C E

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We look at them and believe they are not fit for the job, which is why all great leaders pay special attention to how they come across and PRESENT themselves. Then everything they say with that weak presence is not taken so seriously.

IF YOU WANT PRESENCE What do you expect to happen if you have presence? Remember, it is not about people falling at your feet and hanging on your every word. It is not about control. The room will not be put on pause just because you entered the room. Life will go on even while you are present, so do not expect to receive a rock star or celebrity status and greeting. Even then, when a rock star enters a room- life still goes on. Having presence is a by product of you having a STRONG frame, attitude and mindset. You do not go out and seek the right way to manipulate a situation so that you have presence.

If you want presence, you have to be aware of your state of mind and how you are presenting yourself to the world.

Animals have a fortunate ability to not care about how they look. They do not succumb to judgment and thinking. They rely purely on instinct. They see an opportunity- they either take it, or hide from it. You can differentiate between the strong present ones compared to the nervous twitchy ones, and only by looking. Humans on the other hand have consciousness. We worry about the perceptions and vibes we put out to other people. This thought process gives us a nervous energy. We lack the conviction in ourselves because we are constantly thinking about the “what if”. To have presence you have to put all of those worries and fears of perception aside. You have to come from a place of certainty. You have to walk into a room without negative presuppositions. 222 | P R E S E N C E

IMPROV INTERACTIONS You walk into that room with positive intentions such as fun and curiosity. It doesn‟t matter who you meet or what happens- you are just certain you can handle it.

WHAT CREATES PRESENCE? It seems to be standing out and seeking attention. If that was the case- I could walk into a room with a tomahawk in my head. Sure, people would look, but I wouldn‟t have any real positive impression. So the question is,

How do you get people to notice you and be intrigued? How do you captivate and make people watch you?

It sounds conceited, and it‟s usually the request of actors or people constantly in the public eye. Which is why first on the agenda for creating presence is…

1. REPUTATION AND STATUS (Insert famous celebrity name here) has just walked through the door. It‟s not noticeable at first. You just hear little whispers being passed around the room, “Oh my god, look who just walked in”. Suddenly, their presence becomes known. They pass through a crowd of people- giving out strong eye contact and casual smiles. That‟s a pretty cliché kind of reputation. But the same would hold true if Al Capone walked in the room. Not because he‟s dead and people are wondering how he did that “walk through wall” trick, but because of his gangster reputation. Even Hitler had presence. I imagine that if you ever shared a room with these two people, you always knew they were present. But fear only worked for these people because of their reputation. If Hitler walked into Afghanistan without all the media and propaganda, most people wouldn‟t bat an eyelid at him.

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Fear is a strong way of creating presence.

So presence can be either good OR bad. The point is that people talk, and when they see you- they attach that reputation and status to you. It wouldn‟t work if Roy the cleaner walked in the room. But if word was passed around that he was once one of the top 5 actors of all time till drugs got a hold of him- then that story/reputation would elevate people‟s awareness and interest. I believe presence is in the eye of the beholder. No matter how famous they are, if you don‟t like that person- then you won‟t care if they are there. They‟d just be passing through while you murmur to yourself, “what‟s all the fuss about?” In our social endeavour, fear is clearly not the best way forward. Reputation and status creates a story and awareness about you, so it‟s best to keep it positive. Your reputation gives people a feeling about you. They start to wonder about you, which is why it‟s good to have a likeability factorwhere it‟s all about you making people feel good around you. We know how it works. All men want word passed around that they have a big ding-dong and they are great in bed. Why? Because we believe it will spark interest in any woman that hears it. So when you walk through the door the reputation gets attached to you. So I suggest when you are social, you PRESENT your best self and make people feel good. People will talk, “He is so amazing. What a great guy”…that creates wonderment about you, and people begin to notice you.

Word of mouth is always the best way to get a reputation.

To cut a long rant short- you have to have some kind of reputation or status. It‟s a way of elevating you above the masses. People talk, and that gives you popularity and awareness. You don‟t have to be a celebrity or a gangster. 224 | P R E S E N C E

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2. IMAGE I‟m not a fashion guru, but here is my two cents. So yes, great, you‟ve splashed out all your money on the most popular outfit. You read through every magazine and this is the conclusion you came up with. And still, nobody even knows you walked through the door. Granted, you get a few glances. But having the finest tailored suit does not qualify to you having presence. You will probably be more present to the fashion guru, “Ohhhh Myyyy Goddddd! That suit costs THOUSANDS…and the way it hugs your figure. Sweetheart, babydoll listen- tell me your tailor!” With image, it‟s not about wearing the top designer clothes. To have presence with your image you find ways with your gear to STAND OUT. It‟s often referred to as „Peacocking‟. The idea is where something that makes you a bit different to everybody else. Of course, you still have to show off your best self- but on top of that, you have to include your own unique twist. Sound complicated? Not really. Think of how if you‟re at a party and a man in a police uniform walks in. It‟s not fashionable. It‟s not following the latest trend. It is something that stands out, and we have associations to the uniform. Even without uniforms, think of vampires with their cliché teeth or dark clothing. Think of rappers with their bling-bling. Think of how women are amazing at it. How they use sparkly jewellery and accentuate their features, or certain people with body modifications like tattoos and piercings.

What image really needs is a SIGNATURE. Something that is unique to you.

It‟s another way to express your personality and interests. It‟s like how somebody could walk in to a room wearing scraggy clothes, but if they are holding a guitar- then it shows more about them. Something simple like a unique belt or hat can always suffice. 225 | P R E S E N C E

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE Just refrain from the temptation to search for the most expensive attire. Your presence through image is to show your character. We see people in suits, we think business. We see people in dark clothes and makeup, we think gothic. We see people in shorts and sandals, we think casual beach lover. We see a huge man with no teeth and “I love my mum” tattoo, we think run. Stereotyping? Yes. But it‟s a natural tendency that we all fall for. So it‟s always best to use that to your advantage. You could also be lead to believe that the best way to use image for presence is to sprinkle a lot of bright colours into it. True, you will stand out with a fluorescent top that glows in the dark. But you can easily get the same effect by wearing dark clothes and some interesting accessories. Present yourself anyway you choose. But try and include your personality into it. It‟s inexpensive and it gives you presence by giving off subtle hints about who you are. It‟ll make people curious.

3. BODY LANGUAGE You know the drill- Head up. Walk tall. Chest out. Give eye contact. You take on all of the mannerisms that suggest you have confidence and self-assurance. Now, I am not suggesting you forget about learning body language. It‟s something that you should look up and take in to your memory bank and be aware of. Otherwise you may be giving off all of the wrong signals that you don‟t even know about. So have a little body check on yourself and build up the habits. But the reason why I am not giving a long list here is because it could make you appear robotic. I‟m more concerned on reframing your inner self so that it all comes more naturally to you. If you get too focused on the external mechanics, then on the inside you could be completely incongruent. You give the impression of confidence so easily, yet on the inside you could be shaking like a shitting dog. Another point about body language to create presence is that you don‟t always need it. Some people can stand there being totally casual and yet you still can‟t take your eyes off them. 226 | P R E S E N C E

IMPROV INTERACTIONS So what‟s going on? Clearly having presence runs deeper than being all about what people can see. You can manipulate the external factors as much as you want, but there has to be a source. That source comes from your state of mind and overall mindset. If you are nervous and jittery, it shows. So if you are feeling confident and full of belief in yourself- that also shows. People like to be around confident people. It‟s comforting and helps them relax, knowing that they are in the PRESENCE of somebody who is secure. Go back over the MINDSET chapter and taking the necessary steps to build your self-belief and assurance.

We prefer to watch those who exude CERTAINTY and QUIET CONFIDENCE.

That is why somebody can stand still and maintain a high level of magnetism and presence. They are not constantly back and forth deliberating and questioning themselves. They just get on with it, believing that what they are doing is right until shown otherwise.

When you come from this mindset your body language will express it.

WHAT IT ALL COMES DOWN TO- MAKE YOURSELF KNOWN Okay, so you understand presence is not all about just turning up, standing there and expecting people to stop and stare. Presence is all about magnetism, but for you to be magnetic you have to have a personality about you which draws people in. Now, you can‟t expect people to know that by just looking at you. All they can really get is a vibe about you through your external features, plus what has been said of you. 227 | P R E S E N C E

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And getting known and observed is an arduous task, especially if you do not have the luxury of being broadcast on every TV station and published in all major newspapers on a regular basis. It‟s something that has to be done through every venue and with every person. So what‟s the method for presence?

1) ATTITUDE FIRST For social reasons you have to be a likeable personality. You have to be able to make people feel good and energised when around you. That won‟t happen if you are bitter, ignorant and full of insults. Your attitude acts as the centre of you, and if it‟s a positive one- then the vibe will radiate out of you. People pick up on it but can‟t quite put their finger on just what it is about you. So develop your inner attitude and character. It will reflect in your decisions and the next one…

2) EXTERNAL – REFLECT WHO YOU ARE If you like dark clothes, wear dark clothes. If you like computers then, erm…well don‟t take your computer out with you or carry your keyboard. Maybe think a bit smaller. But yes, try finding ways to show off who you are. Obviously if you‟re a playful character, you will look for playful ways to express that. Get a hat or belt or prop. Basically- accessorise. It‟s not for you to show off your expensive wardrobe. Presence is created by you having something curious about you that draw others in. And about your body language and the way you move. It is wise to get clued up on body language so you can check if you‟re giving off the right signs. Your attitude and inner character should do the rest. You‟ll find yourself naturally exhibiting your body language which is congruent with your thoughts and feelings. If when we are afraid we naturally go into nervous shakes and subtly turn our body away, then the same applies to when we are feeling confident and enthused. 228 | P R E S E N C E

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3) NOW GO INTERACT – BUILD A MINI REPUTATION Your presence is reflected by how you make people feel. After all, presence is a part of that much desired trait – CHARISMA. Presence is not just when you walk through the door and give off some radiant glow. It‟s also the aftermath. When you walk away from somebody, the residual of your presence still stays there with them. They‟ll be thinking to themselves about you. So, as a result, when they next spot you- they will be drawn to you.

ACHIEVING CHARISMA Presence is only a part of charisma. Presence is what gets you seen and noticed, but people may get a different idea about you as soon as you open your mouth. It‟s such a huge topic to get into as well. It would, I presume, lead into me going into Improv Interactions 2. It will lead into the way you speak, the way you move, the way you gesture etc. No doubt all the major leaders of our world had to study how to present themselves with charisma. For our purpose and as so not to bore you- I‟ll keep this simple. Charisma, as with all traits, radiates from the inside out. It can appear you HAVE charisma if you deliberately model those who apparently have it.

BEING THE ONE WHO IS NOTICED When you watch a rock band, who are your eyes focused on? When you look at a picture, where do your eyes go to first? This is what presence is all about. And obviously if you are in the background, you won‟t get noticed. (or can you? It depends on your internal state)

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A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE The front man in the rock band ends up getting the most attention. If you watch a sitcom, there will usually be one character that stands out to everybody the most. But do you necessarily have to be at the front? It‟s not so noticeable with films and sitcoms because it is scripted. But with rock bands and seeing groups in interviews- there will always be one who stands out. How do they achieve it? It‟s often referred to as “stage presence” when you‟re talking about rock stars and actors. It‟s the ability to hold an audiences attention and make them become captivated by you. That‟s the reason why presence is a part of being charismatic.

You cannot be charismatic if you cannot demand attention

The front man cannot stand there like a lemon. They have to command and own that stage. However, in the same way that you can attain presence just by standing still- you can command attention simply by having an inner conviction. You do not have to run around the stage whaling your arms about, screaming and shouting so that people see you. People would think you‟re on some sort of medication that was due to be taken 3 hours ago. Think of Martin Luther King. Think of Presidents and politicians. Think of people who influence you to listen to them. They do not speak extremely loud. They do not get eccentric with their body movements. They don‟t run around the stage saying, “Hey! Look at me!”

To hold your attention, they have CONVICTION and BELIEF in what they are doing and saying.

Their focus is not external. They are not looking at you whilst internally body-checking themselves. Their focus is inside. They are radiating a feeling of certainty that they have within themselves. They 230 | P R E S E N C E

IMPROV INTERACTIONS don‟t question whether you doubt them or not- they are coming from inside. It sounds biologically impossible. But think back to a time where you have been truly convinced about something. You truly believed it to be absolutely true. When people threw doubt in your direction, you simply said a firm NO. Your decision stood and you knew you could not be swayed. That‟s the inner feeling that inspires charisma. Now, apply that to the example of a rock star. If they went up on stage doubting whether they could entertain you or not- their body language and way they spoke would communicate that. They would fumble around with long “I don‟t know what the hell I‟m doing” pauses. In that instance, we would look at them and think, “God, what are they doing up there?” Have the conviction that you know what the hell you are doing. Your conviction automatically demands attention, and even if you are just stood there- you will be unconsciously holding yourself up and subtly communicating your energy.

WRAPPING UP We all have moments where we feel charismatic and on top of the world. However the feeling can soon subside. The trouble is being able to re-create that feeling whenever we need it. It seems hard to reach, which is why we look at people and think “It comes naturally to them. I am not charismatic at all”. You have an idea now as to what creates that presence and charisma. Rather than waiting and thinking it will hit you like a bolt of lightning one day, instead- DECIDE to veer towards charisma rather than weakness. You will come across social situations and interactions where you would have normally held back and come from a weak “I don‟t know what I‟m doing” frame. Your gaze will have been external. You are constantly checking other people for their reactions, and your self-talk will reflect that. You will be questioning, “What are they thinking? Am I doing this right? How do I look?” 231 | P R E S E N C E

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE MAKE A SHIFT. Instead, guide your focus to be internal and on you. The only thing you will be focused on is how YOU feel. Of course, you will slip back into bad habits, but you remind yourself to switch your focus. You are not concerned or conscious about your movements or what other people are doing. You are aware of them, but not fixated. People often call it a zone. And this zone is where you are centrednothing can shake you from it. When you are asked a question, you do not try and assess what would be the right or “best” response. You simply go inside, and express how you feel. If Martin Luther King had always questioned what he was saying, I believe his speeches would have been a lot shorter. A charismatic person speaks from the heart- and people admire notice it. Although, you are not being charismatic to change the world- you are simply working on being in control of your world. So to build your presence and charisma, change your habits:

1. SWITCH YOUR FOCUS TO YOURSELF 2. DISTRACT YOUR THOUGHTS FROM DOUBT 3. REPLACE THOSE WITH A BELIEF OF YOU BEING AUTHENTIC 4. GET ENVELOPED IN THOSE FEELINGS. 5. HOLD YOUR FRAME. IT’S EITHER THAT OR WEAKNESS

No more being concerned with how you look or what other people are thinking of you. Presence and charisma is about magnetizing the aura and light inside your self. That intensity only comes through internal focus. And like a light, people can look at you and turn away being “blinded” thinking what an arrogant asshole; how stubborn; he is so cocky. But their eyes will adjust, and they will then see you as somebody who speaks from the heart, who is authentic, and who doesn‟t apologize 232 | P R E S E N C E

IMPROV INTERACTIONS or feel inferior about who they are.

PRESENCE SUMMARY - Presence is having a vibe and energy about you that people warm to. - It gives you energy for people to WANT to listen to you, or watch you, or be around you. - You have to come from a place of certainty. Presence is not created by a weak state of mind. - It is not set just for celebrities and people of great importance. It is something to apply in your every day life. - It can be created through reputation and status. People know who you are because they have heard of you or seen you do something. - Presence radiates from the inside out. You can have presence even when you are not moving. - Demand attention through your inner state. Your high energy will be captivating to others. - Your focus should be on the INSIDE. Don‟t look around externally to see how well you are doing or about your impact. Just believe in yourself with conviction.

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CHAPTER 14 GROUP DYNAMICS A lot of the time you won’t find anybody alone. They will be out with others or about to meet somebody, so you have to know how to handle interacting with two or more people at a time… Up until now you‟ve been learning techniques which apply to one person. When you‟re one-on-one with somebody, you get their undivided attention, unless they have ADD- which can be quite a challenge. With groups, you have to face interacting where the attention can always be diverted. On top of that, you have to be able to hold the groups interest. Groups are similar to packs (back to the wolves). They have their own tight knit circle which can be difficult to penetrate. Whenever anybody tries to get into the circle, they can be a bit on the defensive side. You wouldn‟t let just anybody waltz into your house and crack open a beer would you? Course not. They have to have a preliminary period where you get a subconscious screening process. You have to be able to establish your personality and character, and if it is likeable and they feel no suspicions- they will allow you to go on. In a perfect world, you could walk up to a group of three girls and take them all home with you. The usual case is you having your keen eye on just one. If you walked up without no introduction or demonstration of your personality, and tried to whoosh some girl out of there into a 234 | G R O U P D Y N A M I C S

IMPROV INTERACTIONS dark little corner- the other two girls will hold her back saying “GET AWAY YOU PERV!!” as you subtly zip your pants back up. There is a ritual and a process you must first go through with groups. It’s a screening process.

THE GROUP SCREENING PROCESS The screening process is only you displaying your personality and attitude. The only setback is that it is like winning over an audience. And as a typical „pack mentality‟, groups feel safety in numbers. They can be more harsh and direct in shunning you out. Sounds like a hoot. Safety in numbers means they have high confidence. When you approach one person by themselves, it‟s unlikely they will be too dismissive. They oblige politely whilst looking for the exit. In a group, they can give each other the, “This guy is nuts” stare, and turn their backs. But unless you are a complete asshole, people WILL respond kindly to you. If you have a likeable and loveable character, then they would be stupid to not hear you out. So if you have a warm, respectable and charismatic presence about you- then it‟s a done deal. The only REAL concern is engaging the group. ENGAGING THE GROUP I showed you how to approach and open groups in a previous chapter. But chances are that when you approach a group, they were already in mid-conversation. You‟ve just interrupted them- so it better be worth it. 235 | G R O U P D Y N A M I C S

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE Engaging a group appears difficult because you are trying to engage two or more people at the same time. It is two or more sets of eyes coming right at you That is where the first perceptual mistake lies. You are not an entertaining monkey

You are not there to be the focus and storyteller for the duration of time that you are interacting with them. Sure, the first few minutes will be you DEMONSTRATING your personality. After all, you‟ve asked for their attention so you have to work for it. You can‟t just jump in talking to one person because it is un-polite and demonstrates you being ignorant. So yes, you have drawn them all in- usually through a question. You‟d expect that your job now is to hold all of their attention. But think about that logically. If you have their attention constantly, then how do you expect to develop any kind of investment? First of all, they won‟t be able to get a word in edge ways. And secondly, being the entertainer DISTANCES you from the group. You will merely be the guy who came up, told a story for ten minutes- and then left. You have to make it appear you are already part of the group.

Think of how you are with a group of friends in your circle. There is never one person always up at the front entertaining everybody. If they do, it is very short lived. 236 | G R O U P D Y N A M I C S

IMPROV INTERACTIONS What happens is something is said or commented on, and then one of the people in the group continues the dialogue with you while the rest listen in. You have to strike up a conversation and continue the dialogue with one of the people in the group. Others will look on and see that you are a warm and welcoming personality. Then, as you talk, you involve the others in as well, creating an interaction with the whole group. Basically, groups split apart into mini-conversations. Then people switch around and talk about something else. You need to follow that dynamic. Here‟s how GROUP DYNAMICS work: 1. GO IN THE MIDDLE AND ENGAGE THE GROUP. 2. OPEN AND CREATE A DIALOGUE. 3. LOOK FOR THE ONE WHO IS RECIPROCATING THE MOST. 4. CONTINUE DIALOGUE WITH THEM, WHILST OCCASIONALLY INVITING THE OTHER MEMBERS IN TO INTERACT

ENGAGING THE GROUP There are certain guidelines to follow when engaging the group. When you observe from a distance you can usually notice who is having a conversation. Low and behold, others are listening in or talking with somebody else. It‟s more evident in odd number groups. Two will be having a dialogue, while the other/others are stood quietly waiting for a jump in point.

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A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE So the rule is with two or three people- engage them all. It‟s a small number and you do not want to be held responsible for leaving people out. With four people and above, try and approach the ones on the outside of the group. You can often see them orbiting around. These are the quietest members of the group, and they usually accept people striking up a conversation with them. Other members of the group will see you having a good conversation, so then you position yourself into the group and engage somebody else- joining them in on what you were talking about. If you read the chapter on approaching- you will know what I mean about the dynamics. All you are trying to do is treat it as though you are already a member of that group. An entertainer does not create that kind of vibe. They are showmen, and that‟s as far as they go unless they stir up some kind of interaction. RECIPROCATION With reciprocation, you are looking for the person who is giving you the most open gestures to continue talking with them. For example, if you come in with a topic at a bar asking what‟s the best drink. (to a group) You: Hey guys, I’m REALLY wanting to test out some new cocktails. I am so bored of the same drinks. Do any of you know any good ones?…..

There will be a momentary lapse. You‟ve just caught them in their social trance. Give them a moment. 238 | G R O U P D Y N A M I C S

IMPROV INTERACTIONS At that point, most of them may shrug or believe they do not have to step up. However, one person, the one who reciprocates, will then answer your question. You turn ever so slightly to them whilst still making sure your body language is open to entire group, and you continue your dialogue about drinks. Others will look on checking you out. After a while, they may slip into a conversation with their other friend. Here is a perfect time for investment. You could ask the person who offered you the most openness to go to the bar with you and help order the drink. Don‟t worry. The other group members won‟t go anywhere. You are with one of their friends so they need to stick around. Once you are back within the group, you begin to join them in on the interaction and direct your focus to others. (offering eye contact to others in group) You: Any of you guys ever tried this? This is actually not a bad drink…

They may not buy into you yet. That doesn‟t matter; you are still holding a good interaction with the person you went to the bar with. Initially, how do you know who is the one to engage with? Eye contact is always the best way to go. People tend to divert their eyes or turn their bodies away slightly if they are closed off. The person in the middle is often the one with the STRONG FRAME. Remember that? The ones in the centre seem to hold the group together like glue. So don‟t aim for their attention just yet. If you get blown out by them, chances are the rest will follow suit. It could even be something simple like noticing the person with the most approachable face. Some people have a welcoming glow 239 | G R O U P D Y N A M I C S

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE about them. They are smiling a lot and they keep their energy levels up because they‟re having a good time. It‟s hard for me to describe it through writing in a way that you can grasp what I‟m talking about. But to put it briefly- if there is a line of 10 people, you will usually gravitate (subconsciously) to the one who you believe to be the most open. This is why it‟s important for you to display such an open, approachable and fun attitude yourself. People pick up on these subtleties. WRAPPING UP I won‟t go into group dynamics too much. You do not want to turn into a robot with methodical and precise instructions. It‟s really doing what you do during every interaction, only with a few more people around. Your self-consciousness will be your worst thing to deal with. Having one person looking at you is not so bad. But having 3 or 5 people looking can stir up new feelings in you. It‟s like the old rock star mentality. They feel more comfortable in front of a crowd of thousands than they do around 2 or 3 people. You could be totally fine with 3 people. But when it bumps to 4, that‟s when it could hit you. So focus on keeping your self-consciousness in check. It does feel like you are a performer approaching an audience. But remember- you are not the entertainment! Hold your frame like any other interaction, and switch to a dialogue with one person as soon as you get the opportunity. The only move you should always be aware of is joining in other people to the interaction. You: Hey we were just talking about _________. What do you think?

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IMPROV INTERACTIONS It is not about holding the entire group. You work your way through subtly. If you hold on to those key points on how to deal with groups, then it really just ends up being like any individual interaction. There may be an awkwardness approaching groups, but that all comes down to your own inner mindset. There is no way of getting out of dealing with groups. People are hardly ever by themselves. If somebody walked in to a restaurant and sat down at a table by themselves, you would assume something was wrong. We are programmed to be around groups. It‟s our evolutionary survival instinct to co-operate and work with groups. Unfortunately, our fear of rejection seems to be stronger and overrides the initial engaging. But whatever happens, ALWAYS HOLD YOUR FRAME. It feels a lot more difficult because, as I say, there are more people to face. Knocks and hoops could come at you from every angle. Then the safety in numbers kicks in, and then the other joins in. However, that is often bullshit. As long as you have the mindset and attitude this book has offered you- then why would anybody want to try disarming you from interacting with the group? You do not have to pull any special tricks out of the bag in order to win over a group. Once you have overcome the first five minutes of group mentality and screening- it‟s easy sailing, and you treat everybody as individuals, rather than seeing them as a big huddle in a protective shield.

GROUP DYNAMICS SUMMARY - Groups are in their own little circle. It feels like the barriers are tougher to break before the whole group accepts you. 241 | G R O U P D Y N A M I C S

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE - Groups can appear to be tougher, but as long as you have strong presence and a warm energy, they will welcome you. - Don‟t pressure yourself. You are not there to entertain an audience. - Hook into the group and treat it like you are already part of it. Take one person or two at a time.

HOW TO ENGAGE A GROUP 1) 2) 3) 4)

Go in the middle of people and engage the group. Open and create a conversation. Look for the person who is reciprocating the most. Continue talking to them, while inviting others to join in the conversation.

- Reciprocation means the one who is giving back to the conversation. - Always treat it like a group by inviting others into the interaction. Switch back and forth as you build some investment with one of them.

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CHAPTER 15 SPARKING ATTRACTION No guy just wants chit-chat with a girl. He wants to create intimacy. To get intimacy, you have to do something different to communicate in an attractive way… The focus so far has been on interactions in general. You can strike up conversations; be playful and spontaneous; think on your feet; make it interactive rather than chasing, all whilst maintaining a strong frame and presence. However, we are men, and as men we like to interact with women. A constant desire when we interact with a woman is to advance it into a sexual relationship. Oh and erm…one of those lovey-dovey relationship things But we can‟t create that just through the art of conversation. You can talk a girl‟s ears off, but unless you can spark an attraction and make her purr- then you won‟t get any further than a, “My boyfriend is such an asshole. Hold me till I decide to call him up” response. So what we need is to understand attraction. There is a LOGICAL theory with guys that suggests if you give, fancy and want her…then she will automatically reciprocate and feel the same. That is where the mixed signals come in. A girl can easily call you sweetie, hug you and show you attention. It is in her nature to show subtle signs of AFFECTION. But…

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Affection is not attraction. You have to actually DO something to make her attracted to you. I stated in the beginning that conversation is expression. You are communicating with others to put your personality and character on show. Bear with me in this chapter. It could almost be a book in itself, but I want you to be effective on all levels of your interactions. Once you understand the theory, it really is just like doing what a man was naturally designed to do. So to get her attracted, you have to use this medium to communicate the right personality traits that make her want you. You have to embody the traits of an attractive man, and then communicate these traits. IMPROV INTERACTIONS AND ATTRACTION You have Improv Interactions with everybody you meet, even with women. You can have playful, fun and interesting conversations. You‟ll even discover you may be similar in a lot of ways.

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If you look at the model above, you will see that the interaction techniques continue throughout the whole duration of knowing each other. These are your baseline social skills defined in this book. And the end can be in 6 weeks, 6 months or 6 years, even till death if you know each other for that long. The end just represents when you no longer communicate with each other. But the attraction spikes are separate, and they show that attraction grows and fades continually throughout knowing a woman. The reason they are separate is because conversation alone does not create attraction. There has to be an extra ingredient in the mix which gives it an attractive flavour so intimacy is involved. Here is why the other ingredient is important… You can apply the social techniques and create investment with a woman. You can invite her out, call her over to yours for a mealand she may even actually like you. She feels COMFORTABLE with you. But you get no kisses or intimacy. You have playful flirting now and again, and she sees this as being HARMLESS. It‟s a friendship that lacks chemistry. 246 | S P A R K I N G A T T R A C T I O N

IMPROV INTERACTIONS If you want the intimacy you have to do something different. Through Improv Interactions you have laid down a social foundation. That means you are naturally already great with people. In this chapter I‟m going to explain attraction and how to create it, so you are no longer JUST that playful and easy-to-talk to guy- but you are also wanted on an intimate level. First of all though, have this thought in your mind as you read through this chapter. It will help you connect the dots: Attraction is all about value AN ATTRACTIVE MAN- EMBODY THE TRAITS I first felt a need to go into the science of attraction, but after thinking about it I feel it is not that important for the purpose of this book. All you really need to know are the bare essentials of what makes you attractive to a woman. Attraction is a FEELING, and like any feeling it has triggers that spark it off. Men are typically visual. When we notice a girl exhibiting HEALTHY characteristics (yes that includes breasts) we get a little flutter and we want to look at her even more. But just like the attraction spikes go up and down, her LOOKING attractive will not be enough. She could appeal to you, but as soon as she opens her mouth- you could be instantly turned off by her “look at me I‟m so sexy” attitude. That‟s what makes defining attraction so difficult. We all have our own individual tastes and triggers. However, you can get a general idea of how evolution and nature has designed it for us. A woman‟s attraction is sparked by a different set of criteria. 247 | S P A R K I N G A T T R A C T I O N

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE

Women are attracted to a man’s value and status Think about the role of women for a second. If you brush away all of the media and feminine rallies- women at the core are instinctively weaker and submissive. I may get burned for that, but hear me out. This is not an attempt to downplay women. You can notice a woman‟s resilience when you see her bringing up children as well as running a house, often doing it alone in this day and age. But go back to nature. Women are biologically designed to have and raise children. Women clearly show their resilience nowadays to hold their own in such circumstances. But back in the day, they couldn‟t get a house simply by paying for it. It had to be found or built. They couldn‟t go off to the nearest supermarket for food. It had to be hunted. They couldn‟t defend themselves against predators. They needed a strong tribe around them to protect her. It‟s still evident today. Women absolutely love their friends and social circle. They need them and appreciate them. That‟s similar to having a tight knit tribe. No woman likes to be alone. All she has to do is sign on a dotted line to get a house. But she would prefer to have a man who can do the DIY and fix things whenever they go wrong. Men can help assure the maintenance. Does it appear selfish? Not really, it‟s nature. We need certain things in order to survive. And women could not accomplish all of the hunting and providing while they are nurturing their children.

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A QUESTION TO GIVE YOU THE MINDSET Do you have the traits to survive and provide? Relax. You are not in a world anymore where you have to go out, hunt and take on predators. You do not have to venture into unknown territory and face whatever is around the corner. The modern world requires a new way to survive, but the MENTALITY to survive is still the same. Think of your level of confidence for a second… MONEY is our source for survival, and you achieve that through your career. How often do you push yourself to get a higher income? Dare you talk with your boss for a promotion? Do you feel confident being a leader/manager/CEO? Have you worked at your skill level, so that you are a VALUABLE, thus giving you a higher paid career? Are you confident enough to venture into an unknown career? You don‟t know whether you can do it or not, but are you willing to give it a go? Does the thought of leading and managing a team under you scare you? I‟m illustrating the fact that all these traits are ones which propel you in life to have a high level of success. It‟s a go getter attitude and venturing into the unknown. In a similar fashion, it‟s the same as not settling for scraps. In the wild you pushed yourself to get that wild boar instead of settling for squirrel nuts. These are EVOLUTIONARY SURVIVAL TRAITS, and they are the traits women look for.

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A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE And when you achieve these high levels of success, CAN YOU KEEP THEM? Do you cave in when somebody tries to take it away from you? Do you quake at the thought of what you have to do? Do you have a mental breakdown if the workload gets too difficult and you watch it all disappear? Again, in the same fashion, if you had that boar to take home to feed your family- it‟s a pretty sweet thing to have. Others will look on and want it. Can you defend to keep it, or do you once again cave and give it away so you‟re stuck with a leg and starve? Women test you for these things in a roundabout way. We may have evolved past the scrappy way of living, but we must still apply those traits to our everyday lives.

A MODERN EXAMPLE OF WOMEN TESTING YOU FOR THESE TRAITS Women can say to you they want a nice guy who makes them laugh. Laughter gives you a fuzzy feeling, but it doesn‟t spark attraction. Would the nice and sweet guy reach a level of success if he always put everybody else first? Women nowadays can walk all over men. We set ourselves up as that sweet guy, and sweetness is rewarded with AFFECTIONbut not intimacy. Women want to instinctively feel safe with a man. If the shit hits the fan, she doesn‟t want him to go weak and say, “Love, do you mind doing it today? I just can‟t handle it.” That‟s like asking her to go downstairs and see what all the noise is at 3am in the morning. So a woman needs to know that you are VALUABLE. In other words, you have the mentality of a real man who can survive. Let‟s take a typical example. 250 | S P A R K I N G A T T R A C T I O N

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Girl: Are you going to buy me a drink? You: Sure, what would you like?

What have you just communicated? Buying her a drink is a NICE gesture. What do you get rewarded with? I‟m guessing a hug and a “thank you sweetie”. That‟s because you have communicated YOU ARE BELOW HER IN TERMS OF VALUE. Why is that important? Well, it‟s because you are splashing around your money to complete strangers. That does not demonstrate the qualities of a guy who can hold his own in the world. Take this example: Girl: Are you going to buy me a drink? You: I may do later after we’ve

talked

for

a

while…

Now, your needs and value are requiring she does something for it. You are not diving in with any gesture just to be polite. YOU HAVE STANDARDS. It‟s a basic example, but it proves an essential point that… You must always be of higher value if you want her to feel attracted to you THE IMPORTANCE OF VALUE You walk up to an absolutely stunning girl and open her. You don‟t know what the hell you did wrong, but she just looks you up and down and then turns away. Your heart sinks and you walk away deflated. 251 | S P A R K I N G A T T R A C T I O N

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE

You also walk up to a girl who is not your type of girl at all. She is quite unattractive to be honest. She looks you up and down and turns away. In this instance, you don‟t feel all that bothered about it. Why? …VALUE The stunning girl exhibited a lot of value, at least in your eyes. She was gorgeous and you probably knew that every guy wanted her (value). She was surrounded by a group of friends and men, and you never found her alone for a second. She was very popular (value). You could tell that from the curves of her body she liked to take care of herself. You assume that underneath those clothes she is toned and firm- perfect! (Value). Men determine a woman‟s value by her appearance. It goes back to the “us being visual” thing. We look at a girl and can instinctively tell if other men would probably want her. That VALUE made you attracted to her. It made you have your eyes on her over every other girl in that place. The girl who is not as appealing to you did not show you any value. She was not your type, so why would you care if she turns away from you? You haven‟t lost anything. And you instinctively knew that every other guy in there would believe that too. Value is what sparks our attraction. By that premise, what do you expect to be a woman‟s way of perceiving YOUR value?

VALUE FOR VALUE We all have an instinctive eye for value. Imagine you saw a gorgeous, 6‟2 long legged blonde model type girl…and she is with a ginger, 5‟4 stunted guy with a pot belly. What are your immediate thoughts? 252 | S P A R K I N G A T T R A C T I O N

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“What the fuck is she doing with him? How did he manage to get her?” She may be with him for his dazzling wit and charm, but we don‟t know that. All we see are their appearances and we make a snap judgment on what we BELIEVE that woman deserves. Look at Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. That value couple is more fitting than her with a backing dancer for Britney Spears. Whether they are right for each other, who cares? The point is their value is aligned. That‟s how we put snap judgments on value.

THE VALUE OF THE SEXES You look at a woman and instinctively notice her LOOKS and SEX APPEAL. You do not say to yourself, “Oh I sure hope she can make me laugh. Oh it would be brilliant if she could stimulate me emotionally and make my world a bit more exciting…” No. Our instinct doesn‟t bring up those thoughts. We think sexually and notice her hair, her figure, and her breasts. I won‟t bore you with WHY that is the case, but it is instinctive. How does a woman show this value? A woman communicates her value through her body image, style, and fashion It‟s no mystery that women LOVE to spend time shopping. It‟s also a big worry for them to keep their body in check. They are constantly concerned about maintaining a healthy image.

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A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE Do men have this problem? Even though we are bombarded with media messages about our image, men will STILL only take 30 minutes maximum to get dressed to go out. Women take hours, sometimes days. You can notice the how important value is. And it is even MORE important to COMMUNICATE that value. Now it‟s your turn and your value. What must a man communicate? A MAN’S VALUE Get out of your head as you read this part. I mentioned in the beginning that our LOGIC suggests that if we give, fancy and want her…then she will automatically feel the same in return. “I gave her everything and she STILL left me” Here you have to see the world through a woman‟s eyes. Even if you have a masculine body with a toned six-pack and chiselled jaw line- it‟s not enough to ATTRACT her to you. She is not triggered purely by visual stimulus. We have to learn and understand what a woman notices, in the same way we notice her hair, breasts and figure. As you read this, you may be going through your mind noticing contradictions. That‟s fine. Like I said, we all have individual tastes and some things out weigh the others. Just take this as a framework for now, and I will clear it up after. EVOLUTIONARY VALUE I‟ve put this in here to give you confidence in how nature is still playing a part in attraction. Has a woman ever said to you, “I want a guy shorter than me”? 254 | S P A R K I N G A T T R A C T I O N

IMPROV INTERACTIONS That‟s an evolutionary desire of DOMINANCE. It proves the fact that women like to be around a man who appears to have more strength and assertive value. SOCIAL VALUE This book is concerned with building your social value. Women NEED a strong peer group. It‟s her way of creating protection and support. Tell her to keep away from her friends, and you can expect to have her distance away from you. Women also rely on their friends opinions about you. If you fail with her friends then she will think less of you. Social value represents how good you are with people. If she sees you walking around and interacting with others, and having them reciprocate back in a positive manner- she gets an idea of your value with others. By you being seen as good with others- it COMMUNICATES your social value. You have the ability to not only have the approval of her friends and family, but also those around you. Social value gives her confidence in you. If everybody around her likes you and wants to be around you, then that is an indicator that they must be doing that for a reason. That reason is you. Marketers do it all the time. When we realize that most of the population wants what they are selling, then we will feel a desire to want it as well. Use this principle and market yourself socially. EMOTIONAL VALUE There is a big range of emotions out there. Women are “wired” to feel emotions because one day she will have a baby growing inside of her. She will have to be in tune with not only her needs, but the needs of her baby. 255 | S P A R K I N G A T T R A C T I O N

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE Women always relate a situation to HOW SHE FEELS. Yes, that guy can beat her up, but she has felt a strong desire and lust for him prior to that. It over powers the logic of the situation. LOGIC would suggest ditch his ass. However, emotions are much stronger in a woman and they influence her decision making in those moments. So would a woman want you to be weak-minded? Of course not. She looks for a man who is the ying to her yang. She needs to find a man who can balance her emotionally and give her emotional support. But that is not the only emotion. Laughter is an emotion you stimulate. Love is an emotion you stimulate. If you have spent a week being not so distant, then out of the blue leave her a small present- you have COMMUNICATED you were thinking about her and you care. That by itself stimulates her to FEEL like you care about her. You can tell her you care about her, but women believe ACTIONS speak louder than words. It‟s no wonder then that woman FEEL “it‟s all about the small things”. The small things are the little actions you take to COMMUNICATE your feelings. In the dark side of things, not calling her up when she expects it STIMULATES her to be concerned. You will be on her mind making her wonder where you are and what you are doing. A woman may always say she wants you to call. But PREDICTABILITY is not as intense as being concerned. If you want her to feel for you, then do not call her when you say you would sometimes. You should much rather have her stimulated and feel something intense for you, rather than you being predictable. Emotional stimulation is crucial. You need to make her FEEL. Some of the ways you do that can be bordering on the “nasty” side such as the above example. 256 | S P A R K I N G A T T R A C T I O N

IMPROV INTERACTIONS Look at jealousy. Jealousy is a POWERFUL emotion. If you give a woman all your time and say she is the only one for you, then once again- you are predictable. She has no need to feel anything. She KNOWS it. But if she looks around and notices another woman is talking to you, it will STIMULATE her. That feeling will trigger her feeling of loss and relate it to you. That feeling drives her. Without that stimulation, she can easily put you to the side and know you are always there. Women see stimulation of her emotions as a VALUABLE trait. It‟s what separates you from the rest of the male population. SEXUAL VALUE This is about how desirable you are sexually. It does not relate to length, girth and stamina. A woman is not concerned about overall appearance in the same way a man is. All she really desires is to have a HIGH STATUS guy between her legs. He will be the guy who all of her other friends approve of. He will be the guy who has stimulated her emotionally- he has looked into her eyes and created sexual tension, he has made her laugh and he has drawn her in with his stories. What he has done is proved himself as SOCIALLY valuable and EMOTIONALLY valuable. In evolutionary terms, he has also shown that he has DOMINANCE. Not only by his height, but in the way he demonstrates a STRONG FRAME and successful traits to survive. He took no shit, and he was firm and decisive. He was respectful and had an overall aura of “I can handle it”. Other women noticed it and wanted you too. This stimulated her more by making her realize that she has to have you before she loses you. When you are that kind of ATTRACTIVE GUY, you are seen as having SEXUAL value. 257 | S P A R K I N G A T T R A C T I O N

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE By being that guy, you give her the same feeling you would get if you saw the „Playmate of the Year‟ stripping down on your bed waiting for you. Now her flirting and sex appeal suddenly gets escalated. She will wear clothes that accentuate her best features. She will put more consideration into what she should wear for you. When she is next to you, her hands are not on your shoulders, but they are touching you on your forearms, hands and thighs. She is signalling for you to be the man she knows you are and take the lead. It does seem a bit of a stretch just to get a girl to have sex with you. But you have to understand that women have more on the line when having sex with a guy. Not only does she have to worry about accidental pregnancy, but also the thoughts from her peers. Being seen as distasteful and “too easy” is the last thing she wants. Women assess your value by status. And unfortunately, that cannot be proven just by you having a six-pack and expensive suits. It is a personality that you have to communicate. PROVIDER AND PROTECTOR VALUE One day you may have a family. It is a goal of many women to have children and “nest”. It‟s a natural progression. I highly doubt she would want to be with a man who cannot provide for her and her children, not only through your personality- but through material means. Money is how we survive in our modern world. It is what buys your shelter and maintains your living standards. It‟s no wonder then that WEALTH has always been an important factor in terms of value. It is also no wonder why HEALTH is an important issue when it comes to this value. If you are unhealthy, you are unfit to work 258 | S P A R K I N G A T T R A C T I O N

IMPROV INTERACTIONS and get your ass out there. You are also unable to be the pillow of support and protection that a woman and children need. Are you healthy enough to pass on the best genes? We all want to be around the best genes- both physically AND mentally. This kind of value is shown through your appearance. If you have the WEALTH and the HEALTH, then you are showing that you have the value needed to protect and provide.

CLEARING UP THE CONTRADICTIONS Okay, here is where we identify the confusion and get our head around it. Evolutionary value- If that‟s true, then why don‟t all girls feel attracted to basketball players? Social value- If that‟s true, then why don‟t all girls feel attracted to the funny comedians who make everybody laugh? Emotional value- If that‟s true, then why don‟t all girls feel attracted to the creative and storytellers amongst us? Sexual value- If that‟s true, then why don‟t all girls feel attracted to the guys in gyms and guys who take up boxing/martial arts? Provider and Protector value- If that‟s true, then why don‟t all girls feel attracted to top businessmen and CEO‟s? There is an abundance of contradictions you can pluck out of attraction theory. If WEALTH is important, then why doesn‟t every girl have Bill Gates posters up on their wall as they grow up?

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A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE Instead, girls had the film stars and musicians up on their walls. Those are the ones they fantasized about, in the same way we would have had the bikini models and Playboy bunnies. Yes, it is fantasy. But if you look closer, they exhibit the same VALUE that women desire. A film star for example- it‟s a given that they already have social value (fame) and provider value (wealth). They also have sexual value because they hear through word of mouth and magazines how much other women want them. They are also genetically attractive, otherwise they wouldn‟t be in the main or secondary roles. They have emotional value because of the film itself. It takes you on a rollercoaster of emotions and those feelings get attached to the person playing it. The same thing applies for musicians and rock stars, only their emotional value is achieved through their creativity and music. Music makes you FEEL. FAME is a great way to communicate a lot of successful value traits. Yes, it is only fantasy, but you have to ask yourself WHY them over anybody else? They embody what is PERCEIVED as valuable. Most of us do not have the luxury of fame to create mass awareness of who we are, but we still have to communicate our personality and value. How do we communicate and display our personality and value in every day life?

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ATTRACTION IN EVERYDAY LIFE So you know what is attractive in the eyes of a woman. It‟s a combination of characteristics that give you HIGH STATUS and HIGH VALUE in terms of life and survival. Women do not know your value just by looking at you. You can take on the practice of finding ways to show them- for example, pulling up in a top sports car for wealth, two girls on your arm for social value etc. But that is just at a glance. What you need to do is ACTUALLY COMMUNICATE with women. The urge you get to show off your value is to brag. You keep telling her “I have this...I have that…here is a picture of my yacht, isn‟t it great?” A man of value does not need to brag. A man of value is not out to impress anybody. He is out there to see what other additions he can bring into his life. Forget all of the material and lifestyle gimmicks. The only way she can ever really know who YOU are and YOUR VALUE is through CONVERSATION… By your body language By your actions By your reactions BODY LANGUAGE, ACTIONS AND REACTIONS In the same way as a girl tries to select the right outfit to portray the right image, you must select the right way to communicate your personality through your interactions. 261 | S P A R K I N G A T T R A C T I O N

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE But how do you do that if the way to attract a woman is through personality? You can‟t just manipulate yourself to be PERCEIVED as attractive- you have to actually BE that personality. For girls, outfits can be taken on and off and image can be manipulated and faked (at least nowadays it can). If one outfit doesn‟t work, you simply try another one until you are seen as attractive. Men do not have that luxury. So if our focus is purely on trying to attract girls, then we are forcing our external mannerisms to APPEAR we are that attractive guy. I‟m guessing that is why we are always so concerned on saying the right thing- the external factor. But there is no right thing, nor is there a wrong thing. We try to mould ourselves into this attractive persona on the outside, and we neglect that we need to work on our INNER mindset first. That way, everything we do on the outside is a reflection of our inner convictions. So what do we do? Our main concern is to, ironically, not concern ourselves with the nuances of how attractive or appealing we are. That is already putting you in a position where you are influenced by others (Low Value). We have to reframe ourselves from the core (inside out), and then work on habits that make sure we maintain that attractive persona, and that our actions reflect it. SPARKING ATTRACTION #1 - BE THE ATTRACTIVE PERSONA Identity is not something you can take on and off with ease like an outfit. If you are not seen as attractive by a woman, then it is 262 | S P A R K I N G A T T R A C T I O N

IMPROV INTERACTIONS down to you not communicating any real value through your personality. For example, if you are insecure- then your body language and actions will exhibit that. You will respond in ways that conceal yourself. You will gladly give in to others requests without hesitation because you want people to like you. If you believe women are angelic and easily-breakable, then you will show that as well. Through your naivety, you will gladly do everything for her like a gentleman. Women deserve much more appreciation than that. They are more capable than most men nowadays. So by you constantly asking her and reassuring her, you are already showing your value to be less than hers. You have to already be an attractive identity An attractive identity is about having the qualities that a woman desires in a man. And yes, they are all about your attitude and personality. The message I have constantly reiterated throughout this chapter is VALUE, and it is the foundation of this whole book. I told you about social, emotional, sexual and provider value. Women look at all of these things to see if you are a man who is mentally stable and confident enough to handle the world. By exhibiting weak characteristics, such as insecurity; shyness; caving in; always laughing to relieve pressure; being scared of touching her; always checking to see if you are right… All of the above COMMUNICATE you as being weak-minded. In other words, you are easily manipulated by the outside world and other people. If you are easily manipulated, then you are never firm and assertive enough to hold your own in this world. 263 | S P A R K I N G A T T R A C T I O N

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE So if you can‟t even hold your own, how would you be able to protect and look after your girl and future children? That is what women mean by being a REAL MAN. The obvious question now is: How do I become a real man?

BEING A REAL MAN I‟m sure many of us have fallen into the trap of giving everything we have, and then being hurt by a woman when she left, and then we say to ourselves, “I gave her everything, and she still left. That ungrateful bitch!” We do that because WE SEE THE WORLD IN THE WRONG WAY, or at least- in a way that doesn‟t get us what we want. When you look at a woman, you probably have some immediate background thoughts running through your mind:  She is so beautiful. I want her.  If I want her, I need to show my value. I need to show her I can look after her.  If I buy for her and comfort her, she will see I care and I look after her needs.  When she knows I care, she will confide in me and realize I am great for her.  Then, she will put more trust in me and learn to love me. Basically, it all starts with you SHOWING YOUR VALUE…but in all the wrong ways. You show it through gifts comfort and an “I‟ll be there for you” attitude. But you are not even showing you are attracted to her. What you are doing there is showing AFFECTION. And as I mentioned earlier- affection is not attraction. You are showing her all the wrong signals. 264 | S P A R K I N G A T T R A C T I O N

IMPROV INTERACTIONS So we need to change that view of the world. You need to REFRAME your idea of women so that you are not constantly doing the wrong actions.

GOLDEN RULE- ATTRACT AFFECTION AND ROMANCE

HER

BEFORE

You look at a woman and you can instantly feel attracted to her. She hasn‟t said a word, she hasn‟t touched you- all you know is you feel something for her. We need to apply that rule to the women we interact with. Our way of attracting her may be a bit more stretched out, but it is still a necessity. If you receive a hug from a girl you do not find attractive, you will just think “aww, she’s a sweetie”. If you receive a hug from a girl you absolutely fancy the crap out of, you will think, “Oh my god this feels so good!” Being attracted changes the way you perceive their actions. So if you hug a girl and she is not attracted to you, she will give you AFFECTION and think of you, “He‟s so sweet.” But when you hug her after she is attracted to you, then that hug of yours suddenly becomes STIMULATION. Your touch is something she will want and crave for. So to attract her first, you have to BE the attractive identity from the word go. You have to be it in your every day life. You 265 | S P A R K I N G A T T R A C T I O N

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE have to have it so you can naturally express it in your everyday interactions.

REFRAMING YOUR IDEA OF WHAT WOMEN WANT Your LOGIC tells you that reciprocation is what sparks attraction. Scratch that logic. Logic is not working to your advantage. It puts you in a frame where you believe women must be chased by material possessions and acts of romance. We are not living in a Hollywood fairytale. The sweet and nice guy doesn‟t get the girl at the end when she has a sudden hit of rationality. And women are not stupid. You can go up to them and pretend you don‟t want sex with them all you want- but either way, they are probably going to just ASSUME you want it anyway. No amount of you apologizing or trying to convince her will make her believe you. You are assumed as being sexual, and you are ALLOWED to live up to that. There is a difference between being a horny pervert versus being sexual. Women can mock and joke you about your easiness towards sex. But screw it- that is our BIOLOGICAL design. She has one egg per month. We have millions of sperm a day to deal with. Do the math. So don‟t feel you have to apologize for being a man and convince her otherwise. Women are not stupid. The other REFRAME is realizing that women want sex just as much as you do. Just look at the intensity of a female orgasm. If I was a woman, I know I wouldn‟t want just one of those in my lifetime. The complication, however, is the social pressure put on them to not be seen negatively as “sluts” and “easy”. 266 | S P A R K I N G A T T R A C T I O N

IMPROV INTERACTIONS If they do, then they could face losing the respect of their peers within their social group. So yes, they want sex and they are as sexual as you. But even though you have probably decided within 10 seconds that “Yeh, I could have sex with that girl if she dragged me into a toilet”, a woman cannot give in to that way of thinking. Another valuable reframe is women are not angels. They can as manipulative and as conniving as you. They can tell lies and pretend just as much as you do. When that happens to you by a woman, it probably hits you like a sucker punch to the gut. We don‟t expect that behaviour from girls. We expect them to be clued up, and fair, and sweet, and understanding. It‟s because of that belief that we generally always give a woman the benefit of the doubt. That is not a plot to make you hate on women- Far from it. The purpose is to advise you in being more open minded to the intentions of a woman. They do not need to be looked after and supported ALL of the time. At times they will be wrong. At times they will lie, they will be sneaky, and they will be manipulative. When you take that belief on, you will treat a woman as more of a person rather than a little bunny that you must look after. Step back from situations and see the bigger picture. Do not be afraid to point the finger at her if that is what has happened. Trust me- she will respect you for it. Those are three simple reframes that should switch your idea about women. If you seek more validity to these claims, then I will suggest some books for you to read, so that you understand the psychology of a woman. Don‟t be fed by the glamour of women portrayed in magazines, because it is those same images that lower their esteem as well. 267 | S P A R K I N G A T T R A C T I O N

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE Yes- Women are beautiful, they are smooth, they are fair, they are seductive, they are charming, they are affectionate, they are adorable. They are everything you expect to be feminine. But at the end of the day- they are still just people. As you build attraction a woman, still keep that thought in the back of your mind, and remember (I love this quote) No matter how beautiful she is – some guy out there is sick of her

PUTTING THE ATTRACTIVE IDENTITY TOGETHER In the chapter on mindset, you should know how to shift your beliefs and your identity. If you do not have the label “confident”, then it is simply because you are not taking on confident actions and behaviors. You also know that attraction is all about VALUE. The only way you can be attractive to a woman is COMMUNICATING that value to her- through your body language, lifestyle, conversation, actions and reactions. When you have built it from the core and have it radiating out from within you- then all of those will become natural to being a man who has the valuable traits to SURVIVE. And when you are in doubt, you give yourself a reality check. You go against your logic of being weak, attainable and being all sweet to woo her. You have a reframed concept of a woman‟s psychology. The way you perceive women has been tinted, and you can trust it because it is our nature and evolution. 268 | S P A R K I N G A T T R A C T I O N

IMPROV INTERACTIONS You now see women as real people. You do not have to lie or apologize just to make her feel “safe”- she is not stupid. And like people, they have the ability to be manipulative and lie to get what they want. You are no longer shocked if you observe this kind of behaviour. Now, you have a view of the world that contradicts the masses. The wimpy guys will tell you that women want flowers and taken out on dates. Be sweet till she comes around. You are just being an asshole when you “disrespect her”. The girls will tell you she wouldn‟t glance twice at a guy like that who holds his own. He is just too arrogant and up his own ass. Be the guy who makes her laugh and treats her. You are going to be torn in many directions. But these beliefs will get you further than any previous shit you have been fed. So you have to be able to hold on to this view of attraction and women. And also, you have to hold on to your behaviours and actions, without taking to negative traits like anger, snapping back, proving yourself, bragging etc. Maintain your value… SPARKING ATTRACTION #2 - FRAME CONTROL You have been communicating and establishing your value. You dress well, you walk tall, you‟re confident in your storytelling and interactions with people etc. Girls see this and you go up and talk to them to let them experience your flair and charisma. But they are not meeting you with a level of swooning that you would have liked. Instead, they are doing the opposite. They know you look desirable. They know you have social value by the way you have been interacting with everybody… 269 | S P A R K I N G A T T R A C T I O N

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE Yet they are busting your balls and trying to manipulate you. They tease you and then they pull away. They ask you to get them a drink, and then turn around when you comply. Why are they not drawn to you like moths to a flame? The truth is, as much as they probably desire you just from their own observations- you have to still show that you are the real deal. Women do not know you from Adam. You can put on a good show, but when the curtains are closed- you could go back to being Clark Kent. So what women INSTINCTIVELY do is bust on you to see how much of a man you truly are. They do not do it on purpose to get a rise out of you. It is a way of seeing if your value is only pretence. A perfect example of this is when you throw out your cards from the word go and tell her you are attracted to her. Now, this can work well if you have an unbelievably strong and confident frame. It can knock her off her feet when it is presented in the right way. Going up to her and saying, “Oh my God! You are absolutely stunning” is a nice ego rub for her to hear, but you are probably the 8th guy who has said that to her today. It‟s nothing special or attractive. The reason why you would need a very strong and confident frame in this instance is because her immediate rebuttal will be to make you jump through a HOOP. She can say, “Thank you” with a sweet smile, and you both go your separate ways. On other occasions, she will say something like: Girl:

Oh

really.

And

why

do

you

think

I

am

stunning?

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Those who are misguided about the ways of a woman will believe that her engaging you further is a good sign, so they go into a tirade of reeling out positive and attractive things about her. She listens intently, but in the back of her mind is not feeling ANY stimulation that could lead her to believe you are attractive. A guy who understands frame control and keeping value in the face of adversity would not stoop so low. He realizes that attraction only happens when she perceives you as having higher value than her. So instead, the guy would say: You: Well I won’t tell you yet, because I’m usually a bad judge of character…

It helps if you can spice up these HOOP diversions with comedy, but having said that, the funny element isn‟t the important bit. The important bit is not being so easily manipulated. Frame control is all about maintaining your value. The inquisitive and testing nature of a woman is just something you have to accept. She does not offer you these tests to engage you into further conversation. The hidden intentions behind them are what you have to focus on. With normal interactions it would be okay to just chat away. You could be the funny and playful guy who makes her laugh etc. In interactions where you want attraction to happen- then you have to play the game according to the rules. You have to keep 271 | S P A R K I N G A T T R A C T I O N

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE your value and not cave in straight away until she is attracted to you. How do you do that? Do not take part in any actions that communicate weakness. These will include: - Chasing her - Begging - Appearing hurt, bitter and jealous - Diverting and laughing to ease social pressure - Being easily manipulated The big question that arises when talking about frame control is: how do I know she is testing me? I mean, she could be genuinely asking you to hold her bag. She could genuinely want you to go meet her in another club that is ten miles away. She could genuinely want to spend time with you if you just wait there until she has had 7 dances… That maybe true, but as a man of value you have a life to live. You cannot spend your time wondering whether she is being genuine or not. Holding her bag and standing there while she goes away for 20 minutes is an action of weakness. But you didn‟t know she was going for 20 minutes. You thought she would be back in five and you did it to be kind. When she gets back will be your chance to communicate your REACTIONS. When she is back- you should not still be stood there. You should be in proximity to where she left you, but at least be interacting with other people. Waiting = weakness. As long as you do not just wait around, then you are communicating that you make the best out of a situation.

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IMPROV INTERACTIONS Do not waste your time on wondering about tests or not. Instead, always ask yourself a positive question: How do you communicate value in this situation? It could be as simple as asking her to do something for you if you do something for her. The moment you lower your value is when the FRAME is in her control. You are no longer being the man who takes the lead.

IMPORTANT POINT I used to reach a point where I was very self-conscious about maintaining value. I would get frustrated if I had fallen into a “trap” and acted in a way that made me appear weak and vulnerable. You can think about it for days after and convince yourself that the one “mistake” you made blew you out of ever being seen as attractive and desirable. Let‟s be honest- it is hard to maintain value 24/7. Our natural tendencies living in a “respect the woman” world can urge you to WANT to give in to her, do as she asks and make her feel special. Without going all macho and bombastic- you have to remember that courtship is a game of value. If you do not have it, then women will feel that feeling you feel when you see an overweight woman wearing baggy joggers and no makeup. This is not to scare you. This is to make having a valuable lifestyle and attitude a PRIORITY. Not just for the sake of attracting women, but for your overall success. 273 | S P A R K I N G A T T R A C T I O N

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE You will succumb to taking actions that decrease your value. But don‟t let that hinder you for too long. And being TOO conscious of your value can cause you to actually do what you are trying NOT to do- which is act weak. Having the right FRAME OF MIND and BELIEFS will d wonders in you maintaining your value naturally. The right way of handling a situation will come to you. Just in whatever situation you are in, always ask yourself that question: HOW DO I COMMUNICATE VALUE? SPARKING ATTRACTION #3 - PUTTING IT INTO AN ATTRACTION FRAME Where the hell would an attractive identity and personality get you if you don‟t put it to good use? This might illustrate it a bit easier… Take a famous celebrity guy who every girl admires. He‟s so lucky that even SHE goes up and approaches him. They have a little conversation and it‟s nothing spectacular. It‟s the usual- so when is your next big role…I‟m such a big fan…I freeze framed your penis in scene 24, God bless DVD etc. He reciprocates back in kind with his generic hearty laughs and “why thank you. You are very sweet. Would you like me to sign that?” He hasn‟t done anything to put it into an ATTRACTION FRAME. So, imagine if while she was spieling off her questions as the blood rushes a little too quickly to her head. And now add in a different style of conversation. Instead of his generic thank you, he says to her: 274 | S P A R K I N G A T T R A C T I O N

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Hunky Celeb: What is that you are wearing? It smells gorgeous. Let me have a smell…

He leans in close enough to get a stronger smell. At that point, the rush has gone too quickly to her head. But what has he done differently? Well what he has done is changed it to a PERSONAL level. He has fixed his attention on her and found something interesting that he liked. This is a very direct thing for him to do, but he has such perceived value that it makes her literally melt. And that is precisely what you have to do. You have to make a little world with her where it is personal. What it is often referred to is FLIRTING, but it comes under many categories. It comes in with teasing, role-play and banter. Flirting is often seen as a pitiful act by men. It‟s all of those lines in joke books that have screwed it all up. Just look at the line from Mr. Celebrity though. His line was nothing special. It was simply a direct intent. What most guys do is they flirt- but with constant laughter. And laughter is usually a way to relieve tension and pressure. (Low Value) Having said that- flirting is playful and fun. To be taken seriously though and not just some guy running around flirting with every girl around, you have to be sincere and serious at times. Exactly in the way the celebrity did. It‟s those actions from high value men that make women melt. Creating an ATTRACTION FRAME is all about communicating interest that is focused specifically on her. It is part of your STIMULATION value. It is a way of assessing how much you both reciprocate with one another. 275 | S P A R K I N G A T T R A C T I O N

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE Without it, you are just the attractive guy who shows no interest. You need to open up the gate to let her in. The only trouble is, you do not want to telegraph your interest too directly. The reason is because it puts her in control when she knows how much you adore her. Saying things like, “You are beautiful” “I really fancy you” is not flirting anyway. So then…

AN ATTRACTION FRAME All you have to really do is banter with her in a sexual manner. Now now, nothing perverse please. Let‟s say you are enjoying your interaction with a girl. You know you want to hint at your interest in her, whilst not supplicating and kicking the ball in her court.. Girl: So where do you come from? You: I come from Leeds (safe) - Versus You: I’d tell you, but I’d have to kill you (funny, but suggests nothing) - Versus You: Are you planning on stalking me? (Maybe she will bite on this) - Versus You: Try and guess (flirting with a smile)

Really, all it has done is given her an invitation to play with you. It works in the same way as you winking across the bar at a girl. You are suggesting interest and playtime between you both. Role-playing is clearly the most effective way to flirt with a girl, because it works in putting you in that fictional place together. It‟s personal, it‟s playful, and it is suggestive. Role-playing can be anything like you pretending to be her boyfriend, or you are going to be her fashion consultant as you tease her about what she is wearing- then you come up with ridiculous suggestions for her. 276 | S P A R K I N G A T T R A C T I O N

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In the examples later you will understand how it all works and comes together. I could give you lines and routines, but that isn‟t improv. That is just you using a safety net. But think of how a girl flirts with you. They can pull the typical cliché lines, “your arms are so big!” as she touches them and eyes you up. She can flutter her eyelashes or giggle at you as she playfully slaps you saying “stop it”. You can make a sexual innuendo, and she can make a statement about herself like, “I‟ve always been told I‟m flexible”. As a man, your goal is to direct your personal attention towards her and play. You find ways to touch her…you tell her to stop being a naughty girl or you will spank her…you pretend to break up with her…you wink at her across the bar…you say “let me guess your weight” and pick her up etc etc. The point is that an attraction frame is all about your little play world with her. Women flirt with you by suggesting their interest and submissiveness. You do it by showing your dominance through touch, teasing and role-play. As long as you keep your value, then any of your flirting advances should be reciprocated- unless she is a real ball buster. But those girls make it even more fun SPARKING ATTRACTION #4 - KNOW WHEN SHE IS ATTRACTED TO YOU She has touched your arm and threw her head back laughing like a musketeer- was she giving you a sign she wants you? Or just being nice? Why did she say she wants to meet up with me, but then say no to every opportunity to go out? Her pupils are dilated, but wait- how many millimetres should it be when she likes you? Trying to figure out all of the signs of attraction can be a painstaking process. It‟s even harder when you‟re in mid277 | S P A R K I N G A T T R A C T I O N

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE conversation but in the back of your mind you are trying to assess the situation. I don‟t believe in paying attention to all the indicators to know whether she is into you are not. It is an act of insecurity and seeking reassurance before you take the next step. I believe it‟s sometimes easy to misinterpret body language. If you take it as gospel and see somebody folding their arms as they talk to you- then you can easily assume they are ignoring what you say. On the other hand- they could be absolutely freezing their nuts off. So body language is only as good as the context it is in, which is why getting too caught up in it can hinder you. The BEST way to bypass all this analysis is to just Trust your instinct But how do you trust your instinct? That comes from a BELIEF. It doesn‟t matter if you notice her body is turned towards you with the tips of her toes pointing in your direction, because then when she turns away- you will believe you are losing her interest, when really she could just be getting comfortable. A BELIEF is an overall FRAME you put around your interactions with women. Instead of zooming in and focusing specifically on her actions, you make an assumption that holds true in every situation. There is NO WAY of fully knowing whether a woman is attracted to you or not. Eventually you will have to make an assumption and take a leap of faith anyway. So you may as well do that from the beginning. Here is the belief: 278 | S P A R K I N G A T T R A C T I O N

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It is up to her to tell me no. How is THAT for taking rejection head on? The principle behind this belief is that you are the one who has to take the lead and the initiative. You can‟t always do that if you are concerned with achieving all the right signals before you move forward. So with this belief you are saying, “I‟ll ask her to come along with me…I‟ll invite her over to my house…I‟ll sit next to her and put my hand on her knee…if that is too much, then SHE will make sure I know it”. We know how good women are at excuses. If they do not want to see you, then that creative engine will get revving and she will be able to muster up some way of avoiding having to meet you. She won‟t tell you directly though. She will let you down gently- by saying her cat massage comes before meeting you. Saying no and putting up boundaries is her responsibility. It‟s a reason why girls can be very defensive with you at the very beginning. It‟s her natural instinct to be protective of herself and keep these boundaries in check until she is comfortable- and rightly so. But you do not want to go jumping in at the deep end and pushing too far too quickly. I love the quote from „High Fidelity‟ that sums this up…

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Sometimes I got so bored of trying to touch her breast that I would try to touch her between her legs. It was like trying to borrow a dollar, getting turned down, and asking for 50 grand instead. - High Fidelity Guys often make the mistake of not paying attention to her reactions. Of course, this way is much more efficient than waiting for the right signals because you are taking control and having the balls/confidence to go for what you want. But there is a skill involved, and that skill is COMPLIANCE. Compliance is part of escalation in the next bit you are going to read. As far as knowing when she is attracted to you- I suggest to not get yourself too wrapped up in questioning it. Your best method is to just ASSUME she is attracted to you. At least that way you have the confidence to escalate and build attraction, rather than waiting on her to say so. If she says no or comes up with excuses, then that is totally fine. It‟s something HIGH VALUE men can handle. You take it on the chin, and that action gets you respect.

PERSISTANCE Here is where you try and define your own level of persistence. When she gives you an excuse, you can beg and grovel until she agrees. On the other hand, you could completely ignore her and punish her for hurting you. They are both at either ends, and BOTH communicate that she has manipulated your emotions and made you weak or bitter. 280 | S P A R K I N G A T T R A C T I O N

IMPROV INTERACTIONS Your best decision would be to leave that excuse as an OPEN HOOP. She has given you an excuse not to meet you tomorrow, or Saturday, or Sunday. You being the calm and collected guy that you are simply respect that and go about your life. BUT you can always talk to her again and jump back into that hoop. Who knows why she gave you an excuse! There are a multitude of reasons, and all of them do not necessarily have to be about you. It could be bad timing on her part or she is naturally shy and withdrawn anyway. With interactions and people it is not about quitting. With people, persistence means giving them breathing space. Never take the actions that completely cut a possibility out of your life. Attraction spikes go up and down. If you didn‟t attract her within the first time you spoke to her, doesn‟t mean you cannot attract her later on as you both get to know each other. Be persistent. Learn to escalate by reading the next section…and only concern yourself with her compliance rather than her signals. SPARKING ATTRACTON #5 - ESCALATE Escalation happens when you have realized that you are attracted to her, and you assume she is attracted to you- so you want to build on that attraction and create intimacy. Intimacy and attraction do not happen through playful conversation alone. There has to be an extra element of sexual tension and understanding you are both interested. For that to happen, you have to go through the motions of making her feel comfortable with your touch, feel safe being alone with you- all while getting her aroused. 281 | S P A R K I N G A T T R A C T I O N

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE You do not want to keep your interactions with her limited to just safe hugs and making each other laugh. Escalation is the MAIN key to creating intimacy and a sexual connection. Without it, she could be throwing you out all of the right signals all day, but if you do not ACT on them- she will get bored. A woman expects you to escalate Her role in the courtship period is to express her boundaries and to let you know about them when they arise. Your role is to escalate with her by convincing her it is okay to go beyond those boundaries with you. It‟s a contradiction and almost like a little game. In fact, it is a game. It‟s a back and forth ritual to see how much of a man you really are. So how do you escalate? Well, you need to understand COMPLIANCE.

COMPLIANCE Let‟s say you take a girl and hold her hand. Instead of brushing you off and establishing her comfort level and boundaries, she continues to hold your hand. The act of her holding your hand in return is called COMPLIANCE. Compliance is really a snazzy psychological term to see if she is reciprocating with you as you escalate. You could have taken her hand and she could have loosely untangled herself and stepped away. This is her communicating she is not attracted or comfortable with you yet. 282 | S P A R K I N G A T T R A C T I O N

IMPROV INTERACTIONS But it is important to know that boundary because now you will not make the novice error of trying to touch her boobs or go in for a kiss- you know you it will result in you creeping her out or feeling even more uncomfortable. Escalating attraction is like going up a ladder. You cannot reach the top unless you take the time to go up every rung. It sounds time consuming. But remember, girls cannot assess your value purely on visual terms. She has to FEEL it. If you go too quickly with her, she will think backwards to how it played out and feel remorse and regret. Respect of her boundaries and escalation is mandatory So you have to use compliance to your advantage. If she says no or rejects your advances, it could very well be a sign that you have escalated too quickly. She may be feeling attracted to you already, but she has to develop the feelings of comfort and trust to coincide with that. When you are faced with a halt to your advances- don‟t try to assess the situation too much or feel hurt/bitter. All you have to do is remind yourself that you probably jumped the gun. There could be a lot of reasons why she didn‟t comply with you. So instead, go down a rung and continue to build comfort and try at another time. “What are you using compliance to look for?” I hear you ask. There are three areas to escalation, providing that you are already establishing and communicating your value so that she is attracted to you first. When you have taken the time and believe she is responding kindly to you- then you escalate: 1) YOUR ALONE TIME TOGETHER 2) YOUR TOUCHING 3) TENSION AND INTIMACY

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1. ALONE TIME TOGETHER You are in a social venue with a group of friends. Your group then decides to venture over and mingle with another group where you notice a very attractive girl. You win over the group of friends, including her, by making everybody laugh and showing your value by having people always coming up to you and feed off of your energy. You sit next to the girl you want and you chat away. But people keep coming up to you and diverting your attention. You want to get to know this girl and she seems to be interested in wanting to know you. This is where you are supposed to escalate and take time out together. If you only keep each other company in that social gathering, then the mood will be associated to you as that fun guy with all of the friends. You don‟t want that. You want to be remembered as the guy who swept her off her feet by stating to her that you want to spend some time with her, and you go find another table where you can both talk alone. That is an act of investment. If she agrees and follows your lead as you whisk her away, then that is also compliance. Your ALONE time together is what creates a comfortable bond. It builds up a relationship together where you have your own little bubble wrapped around you both. That is what you want to achieve by spending alone time together- focused attention. Obviously you do not want to spend EVERY minute and opportunity being alone. It is purely an act to communicate you like her and you want to get to know her.

2. YOUR TOUCH You can easily spend time with a girl and still not have created a sexual and arousing vibe. What happens is that during your alone 284 | S P A R K I N G A T T R A C T I O N

IMPROV INTERACTIONS time, you are probably remaining too safe and distant. You may sit across from her instead of next to her etc. The other part that you need to escalate is your PHYSICAL COMFORT. If you are not purposefully building up physical touch with a girl, then you are going to be stuck in the safe zone. The safe zone is, you‟ve guessed it, strictly a friend. Physical acts of affection are commonplace. We can hug and give pecks on the cheek very easily to people we are relatively comfortable with. They are FRIENDLY gestures. To be physical with a girl you have to go beyond those friendly gestures. You to escalate towards things like cuddling up together, holding hands, kissing etc. As we are guys, we are inclined to go straight for gold. We want to touch her in the places that will get her aroused, and fast. Patience is a big virtue when it comes to escalation. Touch is not all about being sexual. It is about creating comfort through being physical. If you do little “gimmicks” like tickling her neck and making her laugh- she will enjoy it. There is nothing sexual implied through that physical touch, and lets you both know that you are comfortable with it. An interaction without physical touch is meaningless if your main goal is to attract her. A real man is one who is secure enough to lead and break the social boundaries. Let her know that you are comfortable touching her.

3. INTIMACY Your alone time achieves you both discovering that you have a lot of commonalities and you want to invest time in each other. You laugh and play together, and you create a collection of emotions and feelings. 285 | S P A R K I N G A T T R A C T I O N

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE Your physical touch adds more comfort to your interaction. If you can‟t touch her in the beginning, then what are the chances of you being able to touch her for sex? She likes you touching her, you hold hands and you kiss. That breaks any kind of communication that you intend to be JUST a friend. Friends do not kiss, touch and hold hands. When both of the above are combined together, you are escalating your attraction and tension. They are used for a purpose, and that purpose is foreplay and sex- intimacy. You will never reach the stage of intimacy unless you take the actions necessary to escalate attraction, at least, not unless she is already horny and in despair and willing to drag any guy the passes by at the right time. But we‟re not all that fortunate. Escalation requires you to be a man and take the lead. Staying back and respecting social boundaries and hiding away from possible rejection is a sign of weakness (Low Value). By escalating, you are communicating that you have all the right personality traits of a man who can survive (Value). You know what you want…you go forward to get it…you are mentally stable enough to take any knock-backs on the chin…you remain persistent whilst being respectable…and you are showing you are a sexual being. The equation is simple- if you do not escalate, you are only perceived as a safe friend in her eyes. And it is not JUST about reaching a level of intimacy. Most guys assume that being attractive and holding your frame requires that you ALWAYS be in control, dominant and the leader. It‟s going to be tough for you if you have that belief. Intimacy is a shared experience, and that demands that you have the decency and openness to allow MUTUAL investment. 286 | S P A R K I N G A T T R A C T I O N

IMPROV INTERACTIONS SPARKING ATTRACTION #4 - CREATE MUTUAL INVESTMENT Just because you are the attractive guy does not mean the girl will instantly be yours. Like in any kind of interaction, you need to INVEST. A woman will never take the lead and initiative. It is not her role because that in itself shows your value is lower than hers. She is the one LEADING. A woman will help you out and heighten her flirting, and she will give you SUBTLE signals to imply she is willing to escalate with you- but taking the next step will depend on you. Although, she will only be willing to go with you if she feels you are worth it, hence why it is important to ATTRACT her first by establishing your value and personality before you show ANY interest in her. Showing interest in her first implies that you are the one chasing. She has the control to turn away, believing that you will come after her. You would expect that a HIGH VALUE man always keeps his cards to his chest. He never reveals what he is wanting or feeling because it is a sign of weakness. But that‟s the biggest mistake you can make. If you always feel you have to offer ultimatums for everything you do for her, “I‟ll hold your bag, but only if you give me X”…and say no to every request she has- then you‟re bordering being a prick. A man of value is confident that people are willing and wanting to be a part of his world. He expects it, but in a respectful way. That is why he feels comfortable in SHOWING HIS INTEREST. There is nothing wrong in telling a girl that you like her and want to spend more time with her. 287 | S P A R K I N G A T T R A C T I O N

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE The only real trouble here would be if you did it in a REQUEST rather than a WANT. You: I really like you. Would you like to see me again? - Versus You: I really like you. I want to see you again…

The only change is the way you have stated it. The second one is more of a HIGH VALUE way of saying it. You even stated that you like her and you are interested in her. That is NOT weakness. If you do anything in a confident and expected way, then you are the one who is maintaining a STRONG FRAME. You are not taking the pressure off of yourself and making her decide. You are being the leader and the one who has decided. This kind of talk is what gives a woman confidence in you. Sometimes you will leave the question open to her, for example asking her “What would you like to do?”, but that is when you have established yourself as HIGH VALUE anyway. She already knows what kind of person you are and she FEELS for you. You have to do that because the clue is in the subtitleMUTUAL interest. You have to offer her the chance to invest with you. When understanding what is attractive, a man‟s ego can come into play and put blocks on any kind of mutual interest. He feels a pressure to always keep control. That means never giving in to her and always making her come to your way of thinking. Drop the ego and invest in each other. Your personality will speak for itself. So make investments. Suggest to her that you want to get to know her more and see her again. Tell her you think she is gorgeous in a genuine way. Do not think you have to say “You are gorgeous, but I‟m better” just to disguise your interest. Actually mean your compliment. 288 | S P A R K I N G A T T R A C T I O N

IMPROV INTERACTIONS Take your cards away from your chest and reveal your desires, wants and intentions. Only a weak man will feel ashamed in trying to disguise what he wants. Only a weak man will fear that he is losing his value because he is allowing the woman to have some mutual investment. Remember, building a connection with a woman is not a fight for status if you already secure in your own value. SPARKING ATTRACTION #5 - GO ABOUT YOUR EVERYDAY LIFE Attraction should not be something you consciously have to think about (well at least not for men). Our concern should be focused primarily on our own selfimprovement. By doing that, we inadvertently become attractive to women anyway. Why? …Because we fill our lives with success by wanting more and having the balls to go and get it. WE BUILD VALUE. Women are an ADDITION to your life. Having the intimacy, the love and affection of a woman is not the reason why you are working on your personality and lifestyle. If it is, then you will be too zoomed in on only one area and aspect of your life. Having the overall success and lifestyle makes people want to be a part of your world. Women will look on at your life and your attitude and already feel attracted to you. Your only concern from that point should be to HOLD YOUR HIGH VALUE THROUGH FRAME CONTROL and ESCALATE ATTRACTION AND INVESTMENT. Attraction is a fleeting emotion just like any other. It goes up and down throughout time. It is never constant, which is why it is always more beneficial to work on your life than it is figure out what X Y and Z you have to do to APPEAR attractive. 289 | S P A R K I N G A T T R A C T I O N

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You are in control of your own world and identity. You do not have to stand around waiting to be selected by a woman. You are the selector. You decide who enters your life. Is that an arrogant belief to have? Perhaps. But by having it, you have a wider scope for opportunity. You do not spend your time trying to manipulate the situation so that the girl you saw across the bar will want you. Women desire a real man- a man who is not manipulated or concerned about how much she fancies or wants him. He is not constantly questioning whether he is doing the right thing or not. Yet at the same time, he has the respect and acuity to notice if his behaviour is being destructive. But in the end, he runs his own life and world, and he invests those into it who he believes are aligned with him. A woman may feel hurt, sad and in despair by your actions at times. She may cry out for you to show that you love her more, or spend more time with her, or show you care. That is where a man‟s respect comes into it. He is not a lap dog, but he is also not manipulative and constantly telling her to stop whining. He holds firmly on to his convictions and works out the best way to show his affections. So don‟t worry about whether you are attractive or not. Become a valuable identity. Your actions and reactions will naturally communicate that. Continue your interactions and improving your social skills. Build a lifestyle. Get hobbies and interests. Go for the success and experiences you desire.

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IMPROV INTERACTIONS Your attitude suggests, “Who wants to come along for the ride?” A woman may not always like the fact that you are not predictable and a walkover, but it is what she secretly respects- and that is what she desires, and that is what makes her feel more like a real woman. WRAPPING UP So interactions alone do not make women want you. Laughter, connection and conversation- while all great, still do not spark attraction in a way that gets you intimacy. Once you‟ve built attraction, does that mean that‟s it? Not at all. It is not a ten minute fix. Attraction fleets in and out with a person, which is why it is so crucial to develop an attractive identity that is with you throughout your life. Yes, you can understand the process and get sex and intimacy relatively easily. But hopefully those of you who read this are wanting more than that. The extra parts to create attraction are simply the tools for communication during your interactions. When you know how to hold your frame and escalate to an intimate level- then mutual investment with each other will be a natural progression. Having said that- there are in depth pointers to consider that helps you understand attraction. But do you really want to delve so deep? Attraction is a NATURAL and INSTINCTIVE process (if you trust yourself). It has only been hidden because of mixed signals throughout the generations. But at the same time, relationships and sex still happened, no matter what the messages were saying. It is your 291 | S P A R K I N G A T T R A C T I O N

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE overall attitude and the way you run your life that is attractive to a woman. If you use the tools of communication to portray your value, whilst understanding why women insist on pushing your buttons and testing you at times- then you have everything you need to push away from being a friend in her eyes. 1) Develop a lifestyle and identity of VALUE. That will radiate out through your actions and reactions. 2) Maintain that value through frame control. Don‟t let anybody shake you. 3) Interact. Your core identity of value will shine through. 4) Bring her into a little world with you. Tease, flirt and give hints of your interest. 5) Escalate your time together and touch. Test the waters casually for compliance as you LEAD. 6) Develop mutual investment. Let her be a part and know she is attracting YOU as well. 7) Keep the push and pull game until you get intimate together. SPARKING ATTRACTION SUMMARY - Affection is not attraction. You are wanting real intimacy. - You have to communicate value if you want to create attraction. - You also have to put a conversation into an attraction frame, which is done by flirting, teasing and showing your interested AFTER she is attracted to you. Then you escalate.

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IMPROV INTERACTIONS - Women go on a different set of criteria to see if you are attractive and stable. It‟s evolutionary design. Traits of value are ones to help you survive, improve and provide. - Your value= Evolutionary, Social, Emotional, Sexual. Provider and Protector. - You communicate by your body language, actions and reactions. - Be an attractive identity. You have to be it all the time. It is not like an outfit you can take on and off. - When she is attracted to you, she will perceive your actions differently. - Always maintain frame control. Being highly reactive decreases your value. - A woman expects you to do the escalating. - Escalate your time alone, your touch and intimacy.

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CHAPTER 16 ALL TOGETHER I’m going to be nice to you and make it easy to recap over this book. I think it beats going over nearly 300 pages. Hopefully the summaries were of some use to you along the way. I grant you they were very brief, but they contained the main points which you should have picked up on throughout the chapter. So now, it’s about putting it all together as a recap of the structure for social interactions… 1. DEVELOP A SOCIAL ATTITUDE If your habits and behaviours are not helping you to achieve the success you would like socially- then change them. It’s evident that change is possible because we change all the time. Look at the small habit changes you’ve made over the past year. I’m sure you can find some. But for most of our big changes in life, we wait for something to happen. Then when we know we HAVE to change in order to adaptso we do it. The only difficult change is CONSCIOUS change. You know you have to change- but there is still hesitation there. Something unconscious is holding you back, but you need to go to therapy to figure it out. Changing consciously requires you to feel uncomfortable in your present situation- and you point the finger at your behaviours and 294 | A L L T O G E T H E R

IMPROV INTERACTIONS thinking patterns causing the discomfort. Take responsibility for it. You should no longer be living on your past experiences. If the situations are causing discomfort, remember- they are LEARNED behaviours. You can learn new ones. You won’t make any changes unless you FEEL EMOTIONAL INTENSITY in your discomfort. Use repetition to constantly remind yourself of how you could be, and why you are not that way now. Then take some action. If not, mentally visualise the outcomes that you want- and FEEL it like it is so real, with repetition. It may be hard to do for some people, but it is possible. Use the idea of being able to imagine somebody chopping your finger off or doing something painful- it makes you physically cringe just thinking about it. The same rules apply to feel change. Your goal is to reach a point where you can tolerate going through the discomfort of social situations, because the reality check of what you are missing out on is worse. And when you have the tolerance to go through social situations, they will give you REFERENCES to realise they are not as bad as you imagined them to be. The references then become your source for confidence. After all- confidence is only certainty. They also act as key points to CHANGE YOUR PERCEPTIONS. For example, you may have always assumed people would turn away from you or think, “ugh”. But you broke through your own mental barriers, and you realise now that it isn’t the case. Your whole beliefs have been questions and contradicted. Another way to improve your social attitude is to IMPLEMENT IMPROVISER TRAITS. They are traits and ways to look at situations so you can handle the unknown. Accept whatever situation you are facing. Tell that inner critic to shut up, and be spontaneous. Think, “Why not?” so you can loosen up enough to be playful. Pull away from the obvious. Mix your world up with creativity. 295 | A L L T O G E T H E R

A GUY’S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE Break the rules and perceived limits. How do you implement these traits into who you are? …By using the same methods for any personal change. When you have a social attitude- you are more open to people and interacting. You accept the scenarios you face, and you do not step back for hours being filled with anxiety. You jump into interactions to let the unpredictable conversation unfold between you and the other person. 2. GET A LIFE Do new things. Go new places. Do things in a different way. Mix up your regular routines. Try out a different hobby or interest. Bottom line- Get experiences and make your life a story. A boring person is one who stays stuck in monotony. And those people have nothing new and different to talk about. It doesn’t have to be extreme. Just make small changes. Instead of watching TV for an hour- go do something else. The point is to put your time as a priority. It helps if the hobbies you choose are ones which add to your life in a productive way. 3. INITIATE INTERACTIONS Anxiety to initiate interactions comes from 1) the unknown, and 2) fearing negative reactions. Both of which seem to be somewhat linked, and they can be alleviated through your new attitude and reframed perceptions. When you have overcome your anxiety, you have to be within proximity of other people. You don’t want to be holding back waiting for others to do the initiating for you. By approaching first, you establish yourself to be a confident person- and we all know how much confident people are admired. 296 | A L L T O G E T H E R

IMPROV INTERACTIONS Approaching is easy, but if you knew you only had to spend two minutes with them. You can easily ask somebody a question and you have opened them successfully. The hard part is in the TRANSITION to an actual conversation. That is when you indirectly want their time and attention. The pressure inside you will build if you do not have your mindset in check. And people are often very receptive if you observe the dynamic before hand. That way you are not in danger of imposing. Plus, the observations hold you in good stead to have talking points. 4. MAKE CONVERSATIONS INTERACTIVE Blocks in conversation are common. You can either talk too much or be too damn quiet. In the end the conversations are in no way creating a connection between two people. They are just two strangers going down parallel paths. To make it interactive- you create openings. You use statements and silence to entice the other person to get involved. Questions just get facts. It is what you DO with the facts that make all the difference to an interaction. Trust the other person to react on cue. Don’t always relieve the pressure to make it easy for them. It is the only way to get the conversation interactive and involved. 5. MAKE THEM FLOW Conversations hit points where somebody has to contribute. This can be points like awkward silences/pauses, interrupts and when the topic has run its course. You need to think on your feet and spark up something new. To do that requires an associative and creative mind. 297 | A L L T O G E T H E R

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You don’t want to always go down a linear approach. If the conversation is about your pet- you can steer it down many paths. What you want to do is use statements or stories to trigger off other thoughts. Use your own thoughts and listening as sources for your reactions to the conversation. Twist and distort ideas so they add something different. That way, you are not getting stuck in a loop where you are continually talking about the same thing at length. 6. WITH WOMEN- GET THEM ATTRACTED TO YOU Attraction happens when you communicate, conversation, the right traits which women find desirable.

through

And attraction is centred on value. But this doesn’t mean doing whatever you can to display value- like flashing off expensive items or bragging. The main point you should always remember is to attract her to you FIRST before you offer any sign of wanting her. It allows her to interpret your actions in a different manner. So that hug is no longer just a hug from some fun guy. It is your job to escalate your time together and intimacy. The most you will typically get out of a girl are suggestive hints. When you feel the attraction- begin to flirt and tease. Create a personal little world between the two of you. Having JUST friendly talk will not create chemistry. Yes, you may be attractive to her in a number of ways. But unless you communicate in the right way- that attraction will be lost. 7. ALWAYS BE FIRM WITH YOUR FRAME 298 | A L L T O G E T H E R

IMPROV INTERACTIONS A frame is the conviction you have about your own reality. It doesn’t mean be a prick or totally disregard people. Obviously react to conversation. But don’t react to people trying to get an emotional rise out of you or manipulate you. There will be times when you feel a lot of pressure from people, and it takes strength of character to maintain your frame under such circumstances. Hold your frame in a respectful manner. If you constantly step into other peoples frames of the world- you never have a clear sense of who you are and how you feel. Always use an inner frame of reference. WRAPPING UP The whole message of this book has been simple- everything can come naturally to you if you TRUST yourself enough with the right attitude to just go with it. Your instincts and actions are far more advanced than you lead yourself to believe, at least in my opinion. Interacting with people is an unpredictable process. You are in the moment and on the spot. Because of that, it is easy to feel anxious and avoid such situations, especially if you have had bad experiences in the past. But we need people, we need conversation, and we need interaction. If you are already okay with people- then adding improv to your interactions will spice them up even more. Creativity and playfulness give you a fresh approach to life so you can see the world differently. We come across people everyday in our lives- But how often do we TRULY INTERACT with each other? 299 | A L L T O G E T H E R

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Take interactions further and improvise with your conversations. Learn and have fun by bringing the best out of the other person and allowing them to open up along with you. Then take the improv mentality and apply it to everything you do. Take chances and embrace the unknown. That’s where the fun lies, and the anxiety/fear dies.

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CONCLUSION I wanted this book to accomplish two goals: 1) Help those who struggle socially; and 2) Help to offer an understanding on how to create intimate relationships with the opposite sex. The only way to ever be efficient with these skills is through practice. Hopefully I have laid the groundwork for you to build on. Now, you have to go out and interact with real people. If you do struggle from social anxiety in the same way I did, then I know taking the initial plunge will be somewhat difficult and challenging for you. Fearing something you cannot see is hard to overcome. I tried to outline how to create personal change to your own mindset and inner attitude. Even though you have the information, I still believe that you won’t ever make a move until you reach your own personal threshold- a point where you know change MUST happen, simply because you have had enough. I hope you can reach that point sooner rather than later. You don’t want to be in a position in 2 years or 5 years or even 10 years time still feeling anxious in social situations. The more you interact with others and desensitise yourself, then the quicker your anxiety will fade- you’ll override your own limiting beliefs. For those who read this book to improve their conversational and social skills, you now have a structure to help you. Conversation and interactions are always unpredictable. That is why it is always best to learn a skill that is not limited to routines and perfect lines. You can work on building a skill set where you can apply improvisation techniques and conversational techniques in whatever situation you are in. And for those of you who struggled interacting with the opposite sex- I’m confident you will be able to fill in the gaps with any girl you come across. You don’t have to feel resigned to 302 | C O N C L U S I O N

IMPROV INTERACTIONS attraction techniques. Your conversation and displaying your social value and personality can be attractive enough when done right. But you should never pass up an opportunity with a girl simply because you feel you do not know what to say, or what you will do next. Go with the flow and make it up as you go. I want you to be able to live a socially abundant lifestyle. It’s never easy to admit you want to improve your social skills. It looks like everybody else can get on with it so easily. This is a common fear for anybody who wants to go beyond being average, so feel good in the fact you are willing to take the necessary steps. If you ever want to contact www.GKYDFDGHP\.com My brendancorbett@GKYDFDGHP\.com.

me, my website is: personal e-mail is:

By Brendan Corbett

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