I Love You're Perfect, Now Change - Libretto

I LoveandJimmy Music: Book -------------------------------------------------------------------------------You, Lyrics: You're Roberts JoePerfect, DiPietroNow Change (THEand -And the that woman CAST. there PROLOGUE MAN WOMAN Lord night, said, They #1was #2 God #2thank #1 chant, man said, man asked and you, underscoring let woman. woman there--have she'd beifman andto light, sheand commenting check, was and woman busy. there but--onshe's was thelight. dialogue.) not interested in anyt hingha, He, And Ha, he, man longMAN WOMAN he,term, said, ha, #ha, #1/#2 he,1#1/#2 "There she'd he, ha, chant chant he, ha, are still he, ha, no ha, wantha, he, other he, topeople." see he, he, ha. otherhe.people. And womanWOMAN said,"Okay, #2 how 'bout this: We get married, you vow your eternal love for me, I expel a bunch of miniature humans who are totally dependent on us for eighteen years, you get a job, stay home weekends and you never see another woma n naked oh, -And and manfor oh, then as thousands WOMAN MAN for said ohhUh, thousands man #the #2 --#1 ##2 11/#2 and 1rest --chant of --years woman of your ... passed. life." CANTATA ACT MUSICI starts. ALL start frantically getting dressed and preparing to go out. FIRST CLEAN AFTERSHAVE, ELECTRIC MOUTHWASH, BRING MACHO MODERN I(MEN MAN AND AIT WILL COIFED-UP ISBEFORE #1/MAN fake DATE, SHIRT, THE BOY, WOMEN MAN, SPLASH KNOT MAN "CANTATA RAZOR, aCONDOMS, TOOTHPASTE SLICK I#2 #1 #2 NEW DEODORANTS DEBONAIR debonair MY WHO AND PRESSED GO ONTIE ROMANCE IVELAMINTS HAVE DRY-CLEANED FOR THE MUSK WILL JUST ATURNED PANTS HAIR laugh.) FIRST CHECK IN CASE MEDATE" GUY MYINTO FLY THIS FACIAL LINGERIE, HAIR WAX ACT DON'T SWEET SMILE (WOMEN AND I'LL SHOW IIF UNLIKE STILL SOMEWHERE (MUSIC BUT AEMOTIONAL THAT Everybody! HAVE COULD HOPE PLANELOAD IIPETITE, THE SPRAY, BEHAVE HER LIE CAUSES EAT A'N DID IBET GOT CREAM, fake PRIMPED RUBBED SPENT HE'S EV'RY shifts MAN WOMAN LEGS, LOT, WEAVE WILL LOW, JUST ABOUT WONDERBRA MUCH, ALL HE SOMEONE BAGGAGE! BAGGAGE #1 #2 HAIR aCOY REAL MATURE OF MUCH FAKE TWO WON'T GUY ENDURE #1/WOMAN #1 #2 FROM SHAVE HALF-N-HALF giggle.) ON THIS ATHE to AND SOME BAGGAGE AND NO SPELL SPRITZ NAIR HOURS WELL aI'VE SAGGAGE Areggae GOOD DREAMS ATHINGS DESSERT PLUCKED FOR EVEN THE PERT LAUGH SPA DATED #2 AONCARE STUFF PITS. GUY OF MYMEONLY beat.) IFACE BARELY AND KNOW HAIR WECOULD EMOTIONAL AND LUGGIN' Time-FIRST DIFFERENT READY MEN I'LL ISHOW IF FACIAL LINGERIE, HAIR WAX ACT DON'T SWEET DESSERT HERE ALL FISHING ONE OR WILL GOD, Hi. IGOT WILL WEI'M THE PETITE, MORE WE'N WOMEN BEHAVE HER LIE ISPRAY, THIS MY DATE, NOW, EAT BAGGAGE BEEN shit! CAPTIVATE SHOW CREAM, GO ALL MAN WOMAN (A AROUND HOPES GO, WEAVE LEGS, IFOR LIFE JUST ABOUT LOW, WAITING VERY GETTING DRAGGAGE PARTNER, MUCH, ONCE BE STRIKE doorbell. ALMOST WONDERBRA #ANOTHER #2 HER NEW DOORBELL REAL HAIR COY A#2 BE #1LONG, BEWASTE? ATHE FROM SHAVE HALF-N-HALF THIS DATE SOME MORE 1CHASTE? (HIM) ROMANCE SPELL AND NO MET? OR WELL SPRITZ DOOR GOLD? OLD TIME GOOD (MUSIC ASAME BAGGAGE WILL FROM THINGS THE PERT LOVER LONG ALL Each CHIME SPA ... WILL JUST STUFF DANCE PITS. Igreets HELL? SHOT shifts SMILE MYAONLY REPEL? HOW LONG, FEAR WONDERFUL Atheir back.) LOT, DISPEL? LONGunseen FAKE ITIME AM? A date.) LAUGH NOT TONIGHT, (PAT, a businesswoman, I'M BUSY, stands BUSY, BUSY outside, waiting impatiently. STAN, a businessman, Pat? Stan? I'm rushes so Sorry PAT STAN on.) I'm late, I got caught at the office, it's great to finally meet .. . Look Stan, PATI don't mean to be rude, but I've been on an excruciating number of d ates lately, and quite frankly, I am a busy, busy, busy woman and I don't have t he patience But Karen's already or the time toldfor me enough them anymore. about you and right now, I can tell that I'm -- reasonably Goodnight! Excuse Stan, (She I'm me? STAN PAT gives not Andgoing attracted himgoatoright we quick repeat to to you,myself. kiss) thesosecond whatI am dodate. ayoubusy, say busy, we justbusy saywoman goodnight and I... don't have--the Oh well STAN patience -- second or date the time. -- why not? It would skip all that messy first date st uff, and I've done weirder things on dates, so -- we're on our second date -- p (Theyhi! oof. Pat, turn away for a moment, then turn and re-greet one another.) Stan, good Anyway, STAN PAT I thought to see we youcould again.go to this great little French -- hey, Pat, you know what? I never really cared much for second dates either. They're, ya know, tryin g to figure out if you like her as much from the first date, or if the first dat e was So since allwe've basedskipped on blind, thedesperate first datehope. already, would you mind terribly if we als o skipped the second date -- I had a great time, I'll call you soon --(He kisses her, more passionate than before) -- and went right to the third date, where we both act like we're having a pleasant time, but inside we're getting ulcers try ingthe Oh to sexual figure PAT tension out if we're part,going yeah,toyeah, sleepthat'll with each helpother rush things or not.along. But you know what, Stan -- busy, busy, busy -- so what do you say we just skip the first , second Right Works (Motioning) Oh butfor towait! STAN PAT PAT/ and the me.Taxi! STAN third datessex: sex? sex. First-time and do go the rightlights to thestay sex.on? The lights go off? Will I sa tisfygetyou? ... PAT it up! Am I even going to Ouch! SoSTAN what do you say we skip the sex and go right to the morning after where (Flipping But we you bothPAT know try through to figure what, her Stan, calendar) outmyhow schedule to getlooks out ofreally what tight. we did Ithejust night don't before? have time for burgeoning attraction. So what do you say we've been dating for two months n ow, which is when I would start getting real interested in you, but you would in explicably (Flipping Uh-huh, STAN uh-huh. through startOrbacking his we could calendar) away. go right to where you ask me if this dress makes you look fat, and I don't answer quickly enough, and you don't speak to me for thre e days. PATor we could go right to when you tell me you want to start dating othe Possibly, r women, and I give you an ultimatum, and you choose to leave me, but then an ho ur later Yeah, I STAN always you come liked crawling that part. back Oh, likebut a whimpering this is alldog. so time-consuming and frankl y May, June and the entire summer is just bad for me, so what do you say we jump Our Yep. You right first mean, toPAT STAN our first argument? you'd wantargument? to skip all the positives of our relationship and jump righ t toa--major Be You ourprick! STAN PAT first time-saver. fight? Bitch! Bastard! Ball Now Tell Let's Oh! -(AOf Okay. --(Overlapping) Oh, beat.) soulfully-and let's And foggy-miserable Starbucks! course! buster! me! and goalthough STAN PAT/STAN PAT STAN weyou Tell to --bitter after And wait! have me!there night weasweetly we've Idate, stare ingot isfront been Oh, (Overlapping) it! at some bump and each you're broken of Iinto -aother don't. ... gonna up -each forother love about this! one PAT a damp year --You (STAN --wefirst, twinge we were takes both PAT STANyou PAT/STAN ofarealize never regret few first! meant steps ----for away, eachextends other!his Oh,arm thattowould his imaginary just savedate so much and walks time! to wards (To So Stan! Hi. Jazzercise. (Very We're Oh, Tamara's (PATIIthis his You think looks PAT.) judgmental) off didn't PAT STAN "date") -istoupward, teaching your you --know theTamara. look mother Grove Hi. you me. making great. liked So is--TAMARA for beginning the art?Arts let's extremely getFestival. totogether liketall.) me... sometime. (He bumps into PAT) Pat! I'd Yes? (With Yeah. What (Theylike aexit.) great (They great PAT STAN PAT/STAN that. emotion)We begin date! Hey,toStan. goreally then stop.) had some good times together, didn't we? A(JASON STUD and AND JULIE A BABEsit tn a restaurant, both nervously groping for anything, anyth ing at all, to say. Restless, edgy MUSIC underscores. MUSIC stops, nothing happe ns, MUSIC restarts. MUSIC stops again, as JASON finally comes up with something. )(TheIconversation Did Really? Yes. Oh? Wow. Yeah. mention JULIE I just JASON dieshada horrible my phone death. fixed. MUSIC restarts. MUSIC stops as JULIE co mesbrother! my Oh, No, Iupjust what?! maybe c'mon, with JULIE JASON not remembered c'mon! something.) ... the cutest story about Okay. Yeah, IHe AND MAKES IT'S SOMETIMES BUT IF THE MY (Another SIT Ihas BREASTS PECS LEGS ARMS LOCKS CHEST MAKE EVERY I'D KIND NOT ONLY WERE Myeleven yeah, HERE ME JULIE JASON JUST WOULD brother horrible THIS SOUND THAT OF WOULD HAIR ISUBJECT AHAD TRYING WOULD yeah?! CAN STUD BABE GUY GIRL BEWOULD toes! IGUY LOOKS ASTOUND BE LIKE BE CAN'T EVEN SO GIRLS --FLOWING GUYS BE LONGER STRONGER conversation TO IAWESTRUCK MUCH this ADDRESS SUCH THAT ROUNDER BE IMPRESS THRILL BESHOWING LOVE CRAVE HER BETTER AisSCHMUCK DIVERTING KILL really ...(MUSIC death. AT FLIRTING cutebreaks MUSIC - starts. out into"Arock'n STUD AND roll.) A BABE" ) MY I'M YEAH, ATONIGHT SHE'LL HE'LL OH! (With Talk Oo, (Wiping IFBABE! STUD! HIPS IBUTT GONNA OH! you WERE to TONIGHT CRAVE! renewed BEJULIE LOVE! JASON/JULIE JASON WOULD I'M OH! me, have her GOface) ABEGGING GONNA ...(MUSIC sweet UPvigor) some BEAND JUST I'M SLIMMER MESIMMER GONNA SCORE! meat! nacho Gone? SEDUCE FOR So, UNDER, GOOSE schmutz MORE! YEAH! Julie, HIM! slow HIM! baby, on and yourbaby! bluesy.) face You JASON Now Better. No, Julie Well Really? I'M MY Julie, (They BICEPS CLOTHES NAILS HAIR wiped it's no, AWKWARD NOT --I'M both --I'M look (She be JULIE JASON Ait's TOO IS onARE ARE itALL honest. BABE GUY sigh. NOT at ARE your wipes NOT AND ATHLETIC toTINY me. ALL GIRLS each AWHINY SYNTHETIC GLUED Athe chin. MUSIC GIRL CHEWED the Iher STUD. other. other don't LOVE ONGUYS other chin) returns ONMUSIC side. have CRAVE side) atoreturns lot tense of to androck what edgy.) you're 'n roll, looking gradually for -- building.) do I? MY YEAH, WELL, YEAH! INO OH! EVERY (He OH! LOVE! CRAVE! HIPS STUD! BABE! OH! spins OH! MINE NIGHT MY I'M LET JULIE JASON JASON/JULIE ARE OH! OH! FEET HOMELY ME her, ARE REAL I'M OH! BUY CAN REAL causing ALWAYS OH! OHHH... DUMPY AND YOU REALLY LUMPY OH! I'Mher ONE SNORING! STINK! BORING! MORE to almost DRINK! fly off the stage. He catches her at the la st moment and pulls her close. She jumps into his arms and they kiss.) MEN AND WHO And Wow, I'm Oh (Twono, WHO THE PRETEND that's sorry. tables Bob. no. BOB VERONICA TALK WOMEN What Iwhy Oftentimes, #1 THEY'RE in just Ia love a-restaurant. love long LISTENING aerodynamic what when story. IBOB I'm dolistening #1engineering! so Isits lovewith real to share. VERONICA. hard, my I wasn't BOB #2are eyes boring sits closed with you,like BETTY.) wastha I? It. Oh Veronica, PLEASE -Plus, I'M (FOCUS thought no, but LYING. REALLY Imy Bob, GOD ON VERONICA BOB didn't so. you BOB real LYING. DON'T #1 #2 no#2 Sopassion are appetizer get anything LET and one toBETTY.) HIM the special --... for to golf. gym is start? me. today, lady. I'mIand acould very I generally lighttoeater. talk you go all everynight. single day.

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HELP So injection (BETTY TO NO HAS AND NOW HIS LIKE HE'S AOH IHE THERE'S CATCH CAN=T SCOTCH COULD the THINK, THOUGHT TALKS GOD CHEWSBETTY SPEWSVERONICA/ HETALKING EYES SOME MIND ME.IREPRESSED AT SINGLE, HIM difference and BETTY/VERONICA BOB BETTY VERONICA IHIS FOUR BELIEVE AUSE AND MY WOULD IS AROUND NEED REFILL isTONIGHT HE FOUND SERIOUS VERONICA #1 BEST BREAST ASOUND really THINKS TALKS STRAIGHT, GUYS STILL PILL SAYSINGLE between LEFT BETTY very MAN sing:"SINGLE simple fuelDROUGHT exhaust --MAN DROUGHT") and fuel STANDARDS! BUT IMEANDERED LESBIAN! IF HOW And Oh USED SHOULD Iwho you MAN WONDROUSLY WASknow TOBETTY VERONICA BOB BYBORN was BEFROM HAVE MAN #2 A TO your -LESBIAN! SOME EV'RY ME SANE that LOVEperson favorite ISTANDARDS! STANDARD WOMEN"Caddyshack" WOULD --BEthat wacky, actor? nutty -- that nutty golf thingie guy - PRAY Chevy Yes! Me, ALONE I'LL LIKE THEY'LL IN SO AND HE IBY STILL THERE'S DELIRIOUS COULD STAY IMYHOPE MIGHT DESSERT too! BUY TWENTY-NINE DATE Chase! JUST IFELINE BOB BETTY VERONICA BETTY/VERONICA GROW FIND AASSERT SOME AND GET BOB SERIOUS SINGLE FINE #2BETTER OLD ME SHRINE FLIRT CATS DEAD MAN SINGLE -- MAN -DROUGHT And BET Let's I'M No, YOU 'CAUSE SEND WAGNER-IOUS SEVER-IOUS DELIRIOUS SINGLE (They Ladies BETTY let LYING REALLY it's THE split snap and THERE'S MAN room! BETTY BOB BETTY/VERONICA BVmeMARINES, YOUR ERONICA ETTY/VERONICA on VERONICA take LYING DROUGHT! their #1/BOB it. me! SWEET Acare SERIOUS fingers) WE'RE #2 MACHO exit of with the TALKIN' GOLDcheck. attitude. CARD SERIOUS IT IS! BOBS remain, and suddenly notice the audi ence's Hey, stop, (MUSIC Hey! "WHY? ALL ON IT'S WHY? DATES BOB RIGHT wait, ME 'CAUSE stop! 'CAUSE reaction. HITS, BOB I#1IAM IAM wait, #1 AMTOASTING I'M aCOASTING I'M drinking BOASTING AAwait, GUY! GUY!"song. MENWait sing: a minute! WaitBOB a minute! #2 MYAMGOD, IN BY WHY? I'CAUSE AND MEAT-EATING JOCK-ITCHING CHANNEL BELCHING, SCRATCHING, NEVER-STOP-TO-ASK-DIRECTIONS HAIRLINE'S ULCER EGO VACUUM BATHTUB KITCHEN'S GUT BED I'M WHY? INVINCIBLE! NEEDS IS II'M BOB AI'M FLIPPING ISBURPING AM ISCOMMANDING EXPANDING WHY? HOCKEY-LOVING A#1/BOB IS #1 #2 BLEEDING OUTSTANDING STRONG! SNORING FEEDING! GUY! RUSTING DISGUSTING BOB RECEDING CRUSTING WHY? #1#2WHY? WHY? WHY? GUY! 'CAUSEYEAH! I'M ASTRONG! GUY! BOB #2 (JAMES "LET'S THAT (He SO "WELL AND (Two ISHE gives THAT YOU GO movie YOU YOU'RE WHAT THAT enters. DO GOES TEAR JAMES MAKE MY DINNER aCERTAINLY MOVIE IS seats "thumbs FRIENDS JERK SOFULLY MYHeLOVELY AND HEART SHOULD appear. sings:) MOVE up" UP WAS A TO FLICK" JUST sign.) WE MY QUICK" JANE YOU" DO?" ONE ACHE" sits BIG in MISTAKE one. JAMES sits next to her. JANE watches theBET MY IS ASOME WITH AND THIS SO THESE IWHO WHILE NO THRILL MOVIE MINDLESS, PRETTY CHICK movie LOTS DRAG MUSCLE ARNOLD MOVIE FLICKS ISHE GET SATISFACTION THAT OF THEIR WILL asHERE AND GETS MEN OR NAKED REALLY JAMES VIOLENT THEY WOULD ANNOYING EVER BRUCE MEN ALL WHOMAKE IS SHOTS continues.) CLOYING WEEPY SLEEPY PICK TUSSLE THRILL ACTION WILLIS FOR OF CHICKS THE WITH US SHARON FLICKSTALLONE STONE AGAIN (Indicating BUT TO HE SO AHOW HE'D THE HE'S WHILE SHE SHE'S IDID WELL MY GOOD OH AND (Overlapping)OH YOU IF I'M YEARN PSYCHO NUT BET AQUICKLY WON'T THEY'RE BOY, NOSE IGOD, LOVES HE BEAUTIFUL, NICE END DON'T INOW JOE FEARFUL KNOW WIFE WIPE AT THAT GOD! SIT JOB HIS ON JUST IT'S ISJAMES JANE TOHERE WOULD HER JOE FEELS THEY'RE IS LEAVE WITH TO THE THAT HEACTING MARRIED WHO'S IN TRUE LOOK IS THIS ALL SEE NEAR FEEL JUST the SEE BEDSIDE VOWS I'LL GROWING THIS DEAD RATHER FAIRLY AMIGHT THAT RATHER SHE'LL AND HARRIED AHE'S PAINFUL LOVE GOOD screen) DYING PAIN HIM -SOME AT GOD CHAIN HE'LL BE MOVIE SIDE BRAVE BLUBBER ABESICKLY THE DUTIFUL, SLICE WAITS QUEER FUNNY TEARFUL -SAW TEAR SWEAT -SOUND BURN REALLY GROOVY! SAW TRIPE NEVER GRAVE RUNNY NOW EACH FOR NOW RUBBER CAUGHT ODD I'M ANY SLOW THAT RIGHT LOVE NOW HIM, PERSON'S ABUT SEC WRECK! JOE AGAIN! IN OFFMIGHT IAMEN! MYTHE SPLEEN EYE SCREEN CR... (Overlapping)OH CLINT OF OH THIS (Overlapping)I (Overlapping) NO Oh Are IFine. (He NOlove GOTTA THINK UZI CRAP, HOW God! WHIMPERIN' cries. you cries MOVIE FELLOW EASTWOOD Allergies. GUNS WILL men JAMES JANE GET MACHO okay? OFeven IT'S ISIAWILL Like who THOUGHTS AND JUST TEAR GRIP JOE HE'S MUST JOE'S UP-PY ALLOW WITH SIMPLY LIKE aren't louder GOD aBOOZY BEriver.) WON'T NOT JERKING NOW TOO FIGHT! --MORE AJELL-O SO MYSELF FISTFUL BROADS CANNOT PUPPY afraid and WORKING STRONG BRAVE-CRYburies WISTFUL CLOSE ON--to TO GALORE SLIP -THEcry ... MYhis FLOOR NOW EYES athead the TIGHT! inmovies. her'CAUSE shoulders I'M AasGUY! they weep together .) (Inshouldn't Yes! (LIGHTS So-INo, - c'mon, Ithe Yes! sorry. shouldn't THE CHUCK DIANE dark, UP Yes! onLASAGNA it's have weokay CHUCK have hear:) beaten shut INCIDENT and played ... youyou. DIANE, out, so in walking well. both sets, home from and then a gamejumped of tennis.) over the net waving You're my armsright, CHUCK in victory. that you shouldn't have done, yeah. (They share a laugh.) Hey, but Really? Absolutely. Chuck, you looked how CHUCK DIANE come greatyou've doingnever it, though. made a pass at me? IWhat? Well, mean,okay, DIANE CHUCK thisfair is the question. fourth Yes, time very we'vefair, gone fair out --question. why is that? A good solid, very fai r, it Oh No. Is Me?! fair no, Ohyou? me? no, DIANE CHUCK question. no, no, no,no, absolutely Wow. no, no, Oh, not, God no, no, ... I mean, no, no. allYou? the equipment works and I certainly like,Iyashouldn't God, DIANE know, sohave ... asked! I'm always saying stupid, stupid things on dates! I t's like I have this moron switch in my head that goes on when I'm with a guy an d ...no, CHUCK No, it's okay. Look, I have that same switch with women and and and about th atguess, IRespectful? pass CHUCK DIANE thing, actually I guess, Diane,dunno, I didn't I was wantjust to make beingany, respectful. you know, mistakes. Because, well, I, uh, think, uh, well -- look, I just think you're the most interesting woman I've met in ages -- certainly the best tennis player -- and I'm sorry, I.. . Chuck, Really? What's Lasagna. Great, Me? Plans? could your I'll DIANE CHUCK No, favorite make I Imake youyou never food? lasagna. have dinner plans. Iftonight? youWhich don'tishave not to plans say... I'm a loser! No! It's jus t that I'm generally free. Wow. Great, great. So you're making me lasagna, well then, I feel quite honored. Yeah, this is big here, so I guess I should bring th e, wine! Condoms? Wine. Oh ya know CHUCK DIANE Yes, wine, wine, yes, that's what I meant! You should bring the wine, y es! Oh what was I thinking?! Condoms don't even go with lasagna! Moron switch, m oronifswitch! And Uhhhh Okay, Well, --you Igreat, CHUCK DIANE really yeah, want, Wine, great, youI could should yes, wine bethat alsothat, do and, heading would bring right, toward yeah becondoms. yeah... nice. ... home, yeah, I have to, you know, get hom e and learn how to make lasagna so ... Okay, Great! (They Tonight. Tonight (He BREAK TURN AWELL TO OUR AS AND NOT YOU IT'S MAN smiles FONDLE SAVOR NUZZLE MOVE WE TURN AIWORDS CAN soWHISPER kiss, POP UP WHAT QUITE JUST Great-OUT IS SOFTLY WILL HAND CHUCK DIANE "I --DIANE IHIS THE WITH GO MAKE LIVE THE OFF IN WILL bring Aat HIS THE quickly. BE FROM PLACED EASY MOONLIGHT SURPRISE SIGHT her CHAMPAGNE THE LIPS HIS IGNITE IT AND COLOGNE SKIN CHIN LOVED IN NIGHTS BEIN the WEEK YEAR THROUGH and PHONE HIPS YOUR LAUGH LOVED SOFT ON THE wine Then TONIGHT exits. TO YOUR THAT --DAY EAR --TONIGHT" AND WEEK YEAR OKAY and they CHEEK ALWAYS FLIRT She ... kiss sings: --again, a little longer.) HURT SOWILL 'CAUSE ENTANGLED WE'LL AND IFOR YES, LET I'LL IPLEASE IWILL DOWILL DARKNESS THAT BE DIANE HAVE AS INBE LOVED HOLD WILL WE BE MINE (CONT.) ALOVED LOVED PLEASE COME SOUL ME BETIGHT FINE TONIGHT AND NOW (DAD andTHE MOM,PARENTS their son MITCH, and his girlfriend, KAREN, get settled around the C'mon, diningkids DAD room--table.) c'mon! Honey, come on! It's a celebration! You can stuff that thi ng I'd Oh, So later! it'slike MOM DAD such Shirley, toapropose joyget cooking aintoast. here! for To my our family son,onMitch, days like and his this!better half, Karen, w ho have Two years. short MITCH/ DAD been years! going KAREN/ Andoutthey've MOM for --been how smart, long now? they've taken their time to ensure that they truly love each other before they jump into anything as serious as -- oh, I dunno Here, Mom, Dad, here! MOM MITCH --wesay, wanted marriage! to wait till after dinner, but there is something Karen and I have Oh, Well, Yeah, andyeah, we've toDAD/ MOM MITCH I just discuss talked yeah?! MOMhappen with it over toyou. have -- and an engagement Karen and I... gift on me! We're (A Well Well, Look, stunned ... breaking well, we've KAREN MOM DAD MOM/DAD MITCH silence.) well, talked up.well, aboutwell, it long well, andwell. hard and Well.it's just something I'm not quite ready And So Yes, (She Well ifI'm you ... congratulations. throws -forMOM you KAREN DAD just go know yet. say ahead, the very us,gift it's focused we've Maury, fortothe always the make onbest floor) myyour prided career well toast. what ourselves right wonderful now.on being news.supportive. Right, myDADtoast. Yes, a toast to our, uh, not- quite-ready son, Mitch, and our - too-focused-on-her-career-or-else-she'd-be-ourHere, (As MITCH here. ALLand KAREN are about to drink, MOM and DADdaughter, interruptKaren. them. MUSIC starts , aYOUR YOU'RE TONIGHT NO, IT'S YOU'VE NOT YOU AT OOH, BUT 'CAUSE LIKE Maybe Yeah HEY WOMAN '50's NO, TO DON'T WE THERE, YOUR OOH, MARLO ...MOM/DAD IYOU OF STILL DON'T YOUR GOT MENTION, WON'T MOM/DAD DAD MOM DAD/MOM KAREN MITCH YOU'LL NOT DOOR should TODAY rock OWN NEED OOH SINGLE YOUR INSPIRE THOMAS YOU'RE PRETTY LIFE SINGLE PITY MAKE ballad: STILL NO go FRIENDS YOUR BELONGS GAL YOU AGUY AND ... OKAY YOU US NOW FUSS BEMARY CAREER TO"HEY SLEEPING SO TOTYLER COME DEAR THERE, NO KNOCKING MANMOORE ALLSINGLE ALONEGAL/SINGLE GUY") YOU'VE -You AND SINGLE (MITCH Okay, HEY (Interrupting) NO WHY IT'S JUST WE'RE YOU Mom! HAVE REPRESSED, FOR OOH, SO BUT GOONCE NEED MUCH GET are BE ATHERE, LITTLE CURL FINE DRINK, YOU OOH, HOME, PRAY let's MAN YOUR GOT GLAD. GAL. and ON MOM/DAD MITCH MOM/ MOM DAD soIN TO AWAITING JUST UPCONFUSED OF OOH WITH MUCH lucky. YOU, KAREN, SINGLE CLARIFY PARENTS, SHIT. GET toast DANCE, YOUR DAD WITH YOUR LOST US, MATING, MORE SOME DO LIFE YOU SOME thinking ... GUY AGE, NOT MY HAVE YOUR WESLEEP OR THAN SON GIVE WEEP HAAGEN CAN'T SUPPORT GAY?! YOU! SOME WAY?! MOTHER it's MATURITY COMMIT FUN DAZS, YOU, finally EVERA WHIRL HAD. over, attempt to drink.) WHAT'S SHE BUT RELAX, ADULTHOOD'S FOR NO WHO BIG WAYWARD FUTURE (To (Raising DISAPPOINTMENT. HERE'S NEED SEEMS WE GRANDKIDS CARES CAREER her) him) WRONG DON'T YOU SPINSTER. TO MOM/ TOtheir SON. LIKE IF YOU! HAPPY PROCREATE GIRL. NOT DAD WITH MEAN YOU'VE WEglasses) SUCH ASCAN GUY HER? TO CRUCIAL AWAIT DESTROYED PRY NICE AS GIRL! IT SEEMS. YOUR PARENT'S DREAMS. (WOMAN and SATISFACTION MAN in bed.GUARANTEED We hear the last sounds of orgasmic bliss. He howls like a wolf.) (With You Oh --mean stop great you MAN WOMAN it! good? were Iconfidence)So can't -- unbelievable? Or good. take it--anymore! how was You I? were terrible! I didn't get any pleasur e! Not only didn't the earth move, the bed barely rocked! Oh, I wish there was s omethingDid (SPOKESMAN Hello. SPOKESMAN I you couldever enters.) do wish aboutyou it.could sue someone because they didn't satisfy you s exually? Well good news -- now you can! At Jacoby & Meyers & Masters & Johnson, we have a large staff of sexually-experienced attorneys who want to get into you r bedroom Let's (Very Ow! Not Watch very take annoyed)Lower MAN WOMAN SPOKESMAN appealing, and your a look get knees! youand at --athe typical higher allorgasm too--couple familiar. you deserve! lower engaged -- Now higher in -let's lovemaking. take a look at the same coup le with a pops (ATTORNEY Jacobyout& of Meyers the bed.) & Masters & Johnson attorney present. I'm sorry, ATTORNEY Mr. Elliot, but your contract states you must be nibbling her neck. A nd Ms. Right, (MAN Oh-See how andright, oh-Courtland, WOMAN/ SPOKESMAN easy WOMAN OHHH! itright MAN perform ishis when ...feet their youmust let required abeno-nonsense fondled. tasks) litigator handle the negotiations of lovemaking? Your initial consultation is just $25. And your fee could be a portion of your s ettlement, (Holding WOMAN upshould a hugeyour check)I partner got five fail thousand to satisfydollars your fetishes. because he missed my 'G' sp ot! (Holding MAN up a huge check) And I got ten thousand dollars because she wouldn't go

partner At down Jacoby onSPOKESMAN doesn't me! & Meyers get&you Masters off, we & Johnson, get you money! if your I'LL (yeah, Ma! (DEBBIE, Ma! CALL right) DEBBIE Ma! onYOUMa! theSOON phone.) Ma! Ma! Ma, He said he'd call today! -- Ma, of course he won't c all today. -- Ma! Because they don't call on the day they say they will. They wa it Ma!aMa! dayMa! -- Look or a Ma, weekI--gotta or one go,time, Ma, Iagot yeara pizza and a coming. half. -- Because I don't co ok, Ma. -- Because it's depressing cooking portions for one, Ma! -- Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma, (Re-dials) this call Hello, is costing is thisyou "Twoa Brothers fortune. From Okay,Italy" bye. Pizza? I just placed an orde r for a pie, extra anchovies Sorry, my other line. Could you hang on? --(Presses button)Ma! Ma! -- Oh, Ken. Ken? Ken! -- Right, you said you were gonna call tod ay and it's today and -- no, I' m not surprised, why would I be surprised, noooo o -- You're calling just to say "hi"? -- Well, "hi." Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi! Hellooo o, Ken. -- Oh, I've been thinking of you, too -- Okay, we'll talk again soon. An Ad(Two CALLED AM THANK HE OH (AsGUY Ken Ishe CALLED BOY HALLUCINATING? identically-dressed ---WHO GOD MEDEBBIE hangs thanks I GOT ME AMup, DATING forMUSIC CALL calling. NO WAITING REALLY STARTS, PIZZA'CAUSE DELIVERY a mini-operetta: GUYS enter.) "HE CALLED ME") ORDINATO NON! I'LL MADON! MAMA GRAZI AMEN! YES! SI! HE WE OH ISUCH Ma! (MAcame CALLED LOVE YES, rushes SAYasPIZZA JOY! MA DEBBIE THIS HE UNA IT ME! ME soon CALLED on, ONCE PIZZA GUY DELIVERY carrying as AGAIN NAMED IMECON heard GUYS GUY MOLTO -KEN! luggage.) the #1ANCHOVIES? #2 news! IT AFOR HER IOH DEBBIE (A SHRINE hope WAS BOY golden ONCEmy PHONE SODEBBIE MASHOULD SHE'S RANG!NOT UNEXPECTED RANG phone experience BE ERECTED award REJECTED BUT here appears today WHERE NOandgives DEBBIE hopeaccepts to theit.) millions of little girls out t here who are waiting for their little toy pink phones to ring, This is for you, sisters! HOW GOOD BIRDS OH GOD HE AND SHE Could Hello? YES, WHAT (Rose MEN/MA (Phone YES CALLED ODD SUDDENLY BLESS NOW THINKS GOD AHE'S ARE pedals this rings. -NICE DEBBIE MEN/MA A'be HER Ken! NEEDY -GUY! SINGIN' descend ----AYour DEBBIE NICE INcalling from answers THEabove.) -SKY heragain golden justphone.) to say "hi" (A triumph) He's needy! SCARED (SUSAN and STRAIGHT... BRAD talk during a reception, as MRS. WHITEWOOD, a proper woman, clap sHello. All (BRAD herright, &hands I'm MRS SUSAN singles Mrs. WHITEWOOD tosit.) get Arthur their -singles Whitewood, attention.) -- mingle and ittime's is my happy over! job Taketoseats, welcome takeyouseats! all here (They And today today clap to is this politely.) especially special interfaith special since program thisfor is The single first persons time the overgroup thirty! is meetin gOur (They here, speaker clap up-state again, todayatis this Rayford a gentlemen time aState bitbyunsure.) Prison, the name of Mr. Kevin Trentell. Mr. Trentell is an inmate here at Rayford and is currently serving seven consecutive life se ntences. My (They nameclap TRENTELL isSoTrentell. again, withoutasfurther ITRENTELL am a convicted ado: enters. Mr. Trentell. He is,murderer. mass in a word, I'mscary.) going to be locked in t his That's shit-hole right, single. the day Oh I die. sure,--once And I'm wassingle. like all of you's. Good job, latest ste reo equipment, drank bottled water. But no matter how hard I tried, I just could n't (BRADseem andtoSUSAN findstir my significant uncomfortably.) other. Sound familiar?! Then cameTRENTELL New Year's (Cont.) Eve. I got an invite to this party, but I couldn't get no d ate. So I went alone. All of my friends were there, all my married friends. All kissing and cuddling and calling each other cute names like "sweetie" -- "pumpki n" -- "pooh bear" Well, I couldn't take it any longer! I SNAPPED! I GOT OUT MY IAK-47 (Petrified) You (BRAD What wasn't ayou ANDTRENTELL lets wise-ass, BRAD laughin' laughing! BLEW out aTHEIR motherfucker?! very at,MARRIED nervousASSES boy?! laugh. You think STRAIGHT TRENTELL it'sTOfunny rushes HELL!I'm to pushin' him.) fifty with no so ul-mate?! Please And (To No. You God, Then what MRS. want no!don't listen BRAD MRS SUSAN TRENTELL about WHITEWOOD) to WHITEWOOD end Up! talk you, uptolike Cause lady?! Can me! I got I gosome me? Nohome onefriends now? to share on the youroutside, golden years my age, with?! who are still s ingle! Wanna hear about 'em? I know can't SUSANaTRENTELL take guy in it!his fifties No! who No! recently Please BRAD took out his one-thousandth personal ad ! And I know a woman, forty-five years old, she's been on the same diet for fift een (SUSAN You're years. deflates all waiting as for BRADMr. crumbles and Ms.inRight tears.) to come along, aren't you's? Well I got (To newsBRAD THEY& SUSAN) AIN'T COMING! Alright,YOUyouGOTTA and you! COMPROMISE Up here! A LITTLE, Now! Now! YOUNow! DICKHEADS! Now! Now! What's It's--it's your name, BRADBrad. boy, I'm and 34. what're I'm looking you looking for afor?! nice Christian girl who shares my val ues YOU?! AND Susan and--TRENTELL SUSAN wants thirty-ish. to stayI'm at looking home andfor raise a Jewish my children. man who will let me continue my ca reer (To WELL, You YES! (Theywanna BRAD) asquickly MOTHERFUCKER?! BRAD TRENTELL SUSAN a get corporate married?! embrace.) lawyer! Another MRS. match! WHITEWOOD Another match! Oh, thank you, Mr. Trentell. And thank you all f or Jesus CHURCH DATING WHAT SOON LOOK HAPPY TAKE HERE LADIES UNDER TO AS LOVE (To DO YEAH, THEN -AS Oh participating BEAR THEY YOU AGROOM) THEY=VE TO AAT WE -YOUR GROOM, IGOD HUSBAND BELLS, HELL, BREATH, AND SWEAR "CANTATA GROOM/BRIDE CLERGYMAN/-WOMAN ALL GROOM CLERGYMAN "WEDDING CLERGYWOMAN BE--BACHELORHOOD'S THEM, GO, WITNESS VOW SWEAR ABOVE MAN GENTLEMEN, DO DOWN THEIR GONE DREAMED, BLUSHING TO WEDDING FILLED YOU NOW AND FLASH -TO LOVE FOR VOWS" inYOU'LL THE AWAY ETERNAL SWEAR? WIFE THIS another AAND WITH AISLE DAY ALL ABRIDE WE FIRST SMILE, MAN AHONOR? HAVE THEIR PRIDE GONER "Scared AND DATA" AGATHERED LIFEREPRISE THIS LOT Straight OF WOMAN HERE#1 CHORES --To The Alter" program! (To YEAH, -THEN AND Oh ITHE WHO'S PERHAPS DO HERE IS (GROOM BET YOUR Imy YOU THIS BRIDE) REMEMBER SEX SWEAR? VOW? COMES Itries YOUR God! HE THIS SWEAR? VOW? BRIDE CLERGYMAN/ ALL CLERGYMAN CLERGYWOMAN GROOM/BRIDE GROOM LOVE SWEAR IWILL REALLY GAINS SHOULD'VE FREEDOM STRANGER THE FORWHAT NOW NEVER to Aescape BRIDE HIM-WOMAN HIS TON JUST BE STANDING BEEN YOU WHOLE-HEARTEN FAMILY OF AND ASwhile DEPARTED WEIGHT! WANT GREAT! MORE SHE ISBRIDE NEXT IS YOUR CAUTIOUS YOURS NAUSEOUS TOmakes LIFE ME?TOplea BE? to an audience member.) DO THEY THE THERE'S Hi, CLERGYMAN/WOMAN ICHURCH BRIDE wasNO SWEAR? VOW? wondering IS LOCKED WHERE YOUifCANyouRUNhave a car. I need a ride right now. I'm very little. IT'S AND I'll CLERGYMAN/-WOMAN FOREVER BRIDE/GROOM REMEMBER YOUR just ALLSPECIAL CLERGYMAN/-WOMAN squeeze AND IS IT'S AFOREVER REALLY DAY FOREVER in -theLONG AIN'T backLONG AND FOREVER seat, WE HAVING' TIME! c'mon, AND FOREVER FUN? help me! AND FOREVER IS A REALLY LONG, LONGYOU?! TELL DO (very (growing (they THEY OH, YOU YOU? WE? GOD!END TIME US DO! soft)WE look SWEAR? VOW? CLERGYMAN/ BRIDE/GROOM CLERGYMAN/-WOMAN ALL HERE! NOW! stronger) atOFeach DOACT. -WOMAN WOMAN . DO --WE DO! WE Iother) (LIGHTS "CANTATA HERE START BUY SECOND-MORTGAGE REPRODUCE, KIDS, TRAPPED, CHANGED (MUSIC ITHEN HE/(SHE) NOW HONEYMOON-TIME, (As WANT AAGAIN WE they WEWORK, THE HOME, shifts HIM/(HER) SAILIN' ACT BRIDE GROOM BRIDE/GROOM UPexit GO, MY FOR BROKE, HOLD CLOCK, onTWO LABOR MIND, -SACRED MOW BALL-AND-CHAINS Athe BRIDE to MY FIRST ON THE OVERDRAWN GROWING LET'S WEDDED PAINS aMUST SO HAND Areggae BRIDE KISS and LAWN CRUISE DATE" ANNUL AND GO GROOM.) BLISS DULL tosses beat.) MY TOREPRISE LOVE MEXICO herOVERFLOW bouquet. #2 It is caught by a BRIDESMAID, who ha s just You lookentered, BRIDESMAID so great! wearing Everything a bridesmaid was so beautiful, dress of questionable like a dream! taste.) -- No, I love my d ress, I'm (MUSIC starts, sure aI'll country-western wear it againballad.) -- Have a great time in Cancun! Bye-bye! "ALWAYS NEVER WELL AS EACH IN WHICH THEN ALL TILL HE NOT DITTO, FOR YOU THE WHILE THEY ONCE MADE SHE 'CAUSE HE'S BUT TOO THAT AMY ALWAYS MAN AMUCH DIED FRIENDS I'VE CATLIN, ATHOSE TABITHA, ISHOULD GROOM MY SHOT NOW MANY I'VE BRIDE GOWN AGAIN, HIS DIVORCED MY ME NOT ALL IAAHE GOWN, HAD WE OR THE BEST BRIDESMAID ABRIDESMAID, BRIDE" AS LOOKED ON GOWN LOOK HE ALWAYS ARTERIES DANCED, HER DEAD, WEDDINGS DRESSES AMAKE BRIDESMAID, WALKED THAT ACALORIES TRIED BEDDED LIZ HAS THE MATCHING NEVER, WALKS CAN'T DRESS INEW YOU I'D HUNCH, FRIEND IME WAS KINDA WORE MY BEFORE TAYLOR IME REALLY COUCH WORE BEEN SHOULD RE-USE TO DOWN DETEST HIPS THE VELOUR-ISH MISTER HER LIKE LOOK ASSESS DRESSED CLOGGED PEOPLE SATIN HE HER STROKE WHORE-ISH DELORES SHOES TAFFETA OFF WATCHING HOKEY-POKEY THE SISTER NEVER THE FAT LOGGED LOOK JOHN SO HAVE MARRIAGE TOME LAUGH-AT-YA HONEYMOON THICK-THIGHED AISLE IN UP SOSEEN WAS AWAYNE| THE UPWIDE BRIDE ESPN NEVER SIDE WAS HERDOOMED MAN KENSANE QUITE WHENNEVER THERE'S OF ALL EVEN TOO I'VE BUT ALWAYS Thank -GOWNS THOSE MANY AT THE Iyou, MOTHS LIVED LOOK ALEAST BRIDESMAID AABRIDESMAID, TERMS SODRESSES WEDDINGS MESSES RAINBOW HUSBANDS SEEM LIFE Lord. BRIDE. INI'VE GROTESQUE ARE MYALONE TOMY CLOSET DEPOSIT LIVE HUNG (Cont.) ARE-LEAVE OWN THAT GONE ON THEM TOI MY GROAN ALONE PRIDE "WHATEVER TO (FRANK BABY'S & MARIE HAPPENED PARENTS?" sing a "patty cakes" song. A knock on the door. FRANK answers it, Fred! Hiya, (Extending Oh Sweet, (As So (Staring Uh No, Make (FRANK letting good there isn't Fred, -FRANK they're sure Frank. I'm sweet, violently FRED FRANK MARIE toincredulously inthe you that Fred, tries hanging asee FRED.) on are, giant sweet, sweet! eyes stuffing ye, Fred, there, tobashes stranger! in buddy! teddy don't bite honey? how -Mommy. atthe can't off How bear.)I bite are MOMMY, FRANK) the are teddy you? fall off, bear's you FRED'S bought out. against honey. guys? eyes) HERE! this thefor floor.) Frank Jr. Oh Frank didn't It's Then childproof, what even FRANK MARIE and a lovely really I(Cont.) just Mommy! know present! couldn't whatSobliss beFred, morewasFred, blissful! until... Fred, tell us: anybody new in your li fe?Islurpie, I've AWWWWWW!!! No, Ah But -And Oh Fred, set Frank it's dirty, and I'm since who's been can upFRED breast-feeding FRANK/MARIE FRANK MARIE fine, been there Jr. just dating our we've dirty had slurpie, --imagine... all Iwas single the ... had di-di! --time?! dirty a-noslurpie! time friends. --diapers onewhen special all we -...used to do was-FREEZE! (Very Was (FRANK that startled)WHAT?! and FRANK FRED him? MARIE immediately grab nearby walkie- talkies. They hear no baby soun ds,-Oh, We Though Hey, What Say Uh Getting (Clicking don't and he's "yes!" can ahow yes we'd swell FRANK/MARIE FRED FRANK MARIE they into Ia... just want 'bout goremote)And Say"yes!" love remote)Okay, shake idea! the inwatching sleeping to andIt's disturb you car their look? to Say"yes!" for now here's --the some all heads him here's --set slides, first Frank inFrank up!relief.) time Jr. instead? Jr.-...-Goingsaid, Throwing (Clicking Getting Honey? Yes, You No! Yes! Fred? (Incredulously)You honey? onFRANK MARIE MARIE/FRANK FRED his a"horsey." up acar in the remote)And first ridehorsey car said, forhere's for the ride "horsey", the first Frank ... first time Frank. Jr. time ... --... (Very -FREEZE (They Anyway, Wait! What?! Become Mommy, Why IYou And But was Frank know would Iknow, then excited)I'm listen Brainstorm! half was aWAS you're FRANK/MARIE FRED FRANK MARIE sowe Jr! what single IaITHAT Fred, half --person got toaFred haven't a?married HIM?! their daddy genius! before person beginning should --had walkie-talkies, and I-Finger much met do?toMarie adopt luck talk kiss! a baby! finding -tothen adults ashake job like... their I talk heads to "no.") -AndIwhat? But -now then wasFRANK FRANK/MARIE MARIE we're we hada Frank -actually whole. onlyJr., one-third and I of realized a person, -- and Marie was only one-third of a person, (Very Thank FREEZE! WHAT?! Was go, (MARIE Frank Wait! that go, emotional)Thank you -I've rushes MARIE FRED FRANK and FRANK/MARIE go, him?! I'm for for... got Frank go outta being having off) Mommy ... sonograms! Jr. here, fruitful ayou better isdecent one-third man! forgoand fertilizing sperm check! multiplying. ofcount. a person, Gomy egg. gogoand -- now, we're really a whole.

You usedremember Frank, FRED to havewhen interesting you usedthoughts to be --about interesting. life, love, work! But now, Frank -"horsey", Call (FRED Ah, WELL THAT WITH THIS WEEBA AONCE MAMA INCOHERENT WHEN NAPPY IIN WOPPA CAN GOD 'CAUSE JUST YEEHA PARENT BECAME GET TAKE GO MAKE THE IdeLIKE meYEEHA MY BABY'S MAMA II'M "VROOM, shadow-boxes exits. ADWEEBA NAPPY WOPPA STOP WISH wittle bittle DREAD BECAME SLEEP CAR, IAJOHN, FRED "THE FRANK when HEAD BOO-BOO REGRESSING QUITE HURT SU-SU BOOM-BOOM SOUND Frank. ADADA THIS? IT MESSING NAPPY WOPPA DIPSHIT YEEHA (Cont.) BABY hewaby MUSIC DOOBA VROOM, baby WOO graduates You SONG" SLEEPY POO BOOBY him. starts, -DABBY HOO VROOM!" understand POO HOO FRANK BOO DOO SWOO college, POO a lullaby:) responds me,Frank. buddy? with a patty-cakes gesture.) NOWGOIT'S BABY ISO DOOBA IBYE-BYE CRY-CRY HEAR DABBY FRANK TIMEMYDEEBY THAT (Cont.) DUBBY WEEBA WOOBY -- WOO. (An exhausted "SEX AND MARLENE THE MARRIED slumps COUPLE" herself on the couch. DAVE, equally exhausted, ente rs and plops himself down next to her. They both wear ratty, end-of-the-day clot hes.) You MARLENE Yeah. IYeah? Just promised call for YouMARLENE How? DAVE the going pay call mail get them exterminator your the the in to a bed? Visa brakes transmission the boys trip insurance mother mortgage?| bill? in to fixed today? in bed? Disney company her onWorld. fixed room? theabout onSuburu? thethe Celica? roof? I was exhausted. DAVE They were throwing the goldfish at each other. It just came out . could (DAVE, Well, You Naw, No, (He IHey, Yeah? (A Yeah. IMUSIC dunno. figure I-stops)Oh. Ihoney? hey, Ican mean with you DAVE MARLENE gotta bundle beat.) Ya beat. hey. wefeel want bundle to great, wait bundle bed. It's Really? tomorrow. MARLENE melike? the a the weary to only couple come? papers rushes 9:45. effort, newspapers, months, myself. towards rises.) then then himtell I'm going then them abruptly ittoburned bed. stops.) down. Wait! (MARLENE OF WILL NINJA Dad! (DAVE AND SO MY LET IWITH POWER G.I. NOW BUT I'M TUCKED PUT CLEANED LAID WALKED PICKED BEING TONIGHT I'M ACHING IJOES ONE THE WATCH WHO SOON MARRIED BERANGERS, Tyler LOTS IREADY PUT AWAY TURTLES dashes OUT "MARRIAGE DAVE ZACHARY MARLENE gotta FOOTBALLS HIS LARGE LEFTOVERS CAT WOULD'VE rushes IN WED THE UP I'LL AWAY UP BUST MOMMY OF WITH I'LL EACH THIS threw THEIR BOTH BED OUT BATMAN, AND LEGOS off TO SAINT LUST throw AND TYRANNOSAURUS BE HEAR THEIR TROLLS MUSCLES (O.S.) off. FEEL SMURF DADDY'S EXPOSE IN WORK I'M THE GUESSED UNDRESSED up as SCHOOL KNOWN TANGO" MADE IGODZILLAS AND BERNARD THE ME inREAL MARLENE FROZE PEZ GONNA MUSIC BOYS TOYS THE AND MOAN the OF GORILLAS bed! YARD THAT TURF CLOTHES AND JOYS NERF HARD TWINKIES HAVE fabric starts, REXSEX dashes SLINKIES FLEX SEX!softener! a tango.) on, wearing lingerie over her ratty shirt.) THERE WHEN PASSION OH But Mom, (MARLENE THE AND MY IDad, SO (DAVE NOW WE BUT WE'RE COOKED WASHED THERE THE LIBIDO'S MANLY TONIGHT PLAYED WATCHED ALMOST NOW not CAR'S IT'S SOON OUR I'm my WAS rushes MARRIED HEIGHTS TYLER ZACHARY MARLENE/DAVE DAVE MARLENE SOWE'LL WHEN tonight! lizard WAS NIGHTS caught Irushes SPELL DINNER EVERY TIME A"DUMBO" IN WITH DIDN'T DEEP WILL I'M TIME GROWING Aback IT'S THE off on, (O.S.) FOR TIME WE escaped! SHIRT GONNA PLAYDOH BOTH (O.S.) WERE in off.) DISCHARGE IN GARAGE as wearing MAKE in, WOULD DARK, FUN the THE TO LARGE MARLENE BE FILLED AND ROCK'N wearing THE THAT'S IT headboard! WOK AND NAKED CLIMB WE'D SOCK football END, NINTENDO WITH rushes ROLL MUCH RATED bikini OHLIKE RATHER shoulder Xon,briefs HELL wearing SLEEP pads.) overmore hislingerie.) sweat pants.) AND 'em! BURNING, WHEEZING, GAUDY, HEAVING, GOOD Mom! (They Let SEX! WE'RE OLD-FASHIONED Dad! think NAUGHTY MARLENE/DAVE TYLER/ZACHARY DAVE/ YEARNING CLEAVING GONNA SQUEEZING The forMARLENE lizard's aHAVE moment, ...--(O.S.) eating then:) the guppies! "THE FAMILY DRIVES (HUSBAND Okay, weTOGETHER WIFE andTHAT got WIFE..." the wine, enterweandgotstand the dessert next to -their here, car.) hold the mousse cake -- we go t the directions, we got the card -- I signed it, you signed it, the kids signed it -- the answering machine's on, the oven's off, the alarm's on, the toaster's off. The back door's locked, the side door's locked, the windows are locked. NO AH! EMMA! WE'RE LEAVING! I unplugged the iron, I -- Ohmigod! I left on Mr. Coffe e! (Retrieving (She "On You're IN WITH MY WELL, I'VE (WIFE (MUSIC Okay, (Reaching MYThe LIFE runs MY BEEN GOT HOME, THANK enters everyone Driving shifts HUSBAND WIFE Highway KIDS, SEEMS MYJILTED off. in-them)Wait I'M GOD with his I'M CLOSE to MUSIC Me CAR in. ofrock'n NOT AT BY pockets)House Insane" AT EMMA, Love LEAST Okay, THE BUT MY Astarts.) here. LOSS LUCKY BOSS NO age roll.) I'll CIGAR 10, STAR keep keys? andthe NOAH, mousse age cake 11. ALL on my getlap. in the Ready car.) when you are .(To no And (HUSBAND KIDS) fighting! backs car out of the driveway.) Careful HUSBAND Slow, I'M Put BUT SHE'S KEEP ISHUT YOU WHEN You SHOULD'VE ATHE on ON SHOULD'VE know take I'M YOUR AUTOMOBILING THEY'RE BEAST slow, FORCE DRIVING your THE WIFE HUSBAND/WIFE EMMA/NOAH HUSBAND KING pulling DRIVING so the EYES THOUGHTS HANDS MOUTH HIGHWAY WITHOUT we're YOU blinker. TAKEN much?!(Releasing OFTAKEN DRIVING wheel! MEONOR MYINSANE out CAN'T ON not ATHE WE'RE DOMAIN OF IN THE YOUR --WE ACAB People CHAIN in RESTRAIN LOVE ROAD YOUR PILL| WHEEL| DEAD NOT GET a HEAD hurry aren't ATOO the LARGE APPEALING --mind wheel) MIGRAINE readers. No!THE ON THEY'RE (TO AUDIENCE) HIGHWAY WIFE HUSBAND EMMA/NOAH DRIVINGLadies OFUSLOVE INSANE and gentlemen, my wife, a mere passenger in my machine, see ms to think it's her job to share her relentless opinions with the pilot. But re member those James Bond movies? The ones with all those cool cars with those eje ctor seats -- all I'm saying is: General Motors could make a fortune. I thank yo u very (To AUDIENCE) much. WIFE You know, my husband has a heavy foot, which goes along with his h eavy head. You would think he would view driving as a simple means of getting fr om somewhere to somewhere else. Instead, he must view it as a rite of manhood, a test of testosterone. If you ask me, it's no coincidence that the stick shift i s gotta AT BUT THE IDad, Are My Would WE'RE ON WHEN OUR shaped HOME NOAH God, THIS ONCE MARRIAGE WIFE we FIGHTS IEMMA WE'RE you LOSING gotta there WIFE HUSBAND/WIFE HUSBAND ALL WEWE pee! you're FAMILY like all DON'T DRIVING ARE START GOES pee! yet? OUR the shut gonna TRIP HIGH-OCTANE FIGHT YELL GRIP male THE TO up!hit HELL CAR sexthat organ. truck! I thank you. ThisTHE Goddammit, WHEN WE'RE We're WE THEY ON Okay, (WIFE All SCREAM right, man WE'RE OUGHTA OBNOXIOUS IN growing that and HIGHWAY HUSBAND NOAH HUSBAND/WIFE EMMA/NOAH ALL WIFE AisKIDS TILL don't DRIVING LOT wasn't you trying GET uplock WE'RE OF pile AAND make dysfunctional! PAIN LOVE DIVORCE LOOOOOVE so tothe PROFANE out HOARSE bad. kill me ofstop car me! the --this car and I'll car! takeexit.) the mousse cake -- Noah, Emma, make sur e youhis FOREVER OH, (To Love AUDIENCE) YEAH! ya, kiss HUSBAND SHALL car) babe. allI-your Hey,relatives REIGN made good--time. and don't tell anyone they're getting fat! (MARK "WAITING" (Off-stage) What?! HOW THIRTY-TWO Thirty-two (CONNIE Oh right, MUCH sits, MARK CONNIE enters.) TIME we're seconds! REAL football enraptured Honey?! LEFT LIFEone in BEFORE (No seconds! SECONDS byresponse)HONEY?! of theORtelevision.) HALFTIME?! those THIRTY-TWOinstant-replay, time-out, FOOTBALL SECONDS? slow-motion situations . Yes. I understand. After all I've worked hard to learn about football, honey, 'cause I know you like it. And I do find it very interesting. Yes, it is very in teresting the way they -- you know -- run up and down the field chasing each oth er. Yes, Thirty-two Still thirty-two MARK CONNIE that seconds. can... be Honey, fascinating. you ever So notice how muchhowtime my entire is left?weekend is spent waiti ng for you? You - you ever notice that? Waiting, waiting, waiting -- waiting. (GUY (MUSIC Waiting, WE LIKE BUT THE NOW (Holds NAILED HAVEN'T IJAILED TWITCHING LORD, BITCHING WON'T (Talks Honey! WAS HOPE CAME SOSHE SHOE SHE'S enters, DRAGGED NAGGED CAN'T SOMEONE STARTS FAR up UP I'M to Look GUY TOHERE SEEN waiting NEEDS DEPARTMENT aLEFT HERE unseen BUY WE PAROLED Ihandbag)HOLDING at slumping, HERE THE --me, HAVEN'T HERE ESCAPE IN JUST SHOES MORE ME IN the ... WIFE MACY'S wife) MACY'S REAL -honey! SHOES! blues.) SOMEHOW BEEN SINCE SHOOT exhausted, SOON ITHROUGH THENOW NOON ME know BAG you burdened HERE can hear withme,shopping honey! How bags.) much longer you gon naSHALL (FOCUS C'mon MY ON THIS MUCH HOW WITH ITHE NEED be? BLADDER'S LINE COME SITUATION LINE WINE ALL ladies! --SAMANTHA Aon: AGAIN REFUSE MEN THIS?! TOILET Ohhh, IS AGAIN SAMANTHA, BURSTING ENDLESS NEVER ITOAND COULD waiting, haven't LET HAVE INOT who AND ANDBE NEED SUCH got TO waiting Irushes I'M DRANK PUT AMUCH INJUSTICE all MIRROR STUCK UPCLEARER on. day! ...NOW TOO MUSIC HERE EXIST! NOWCHANGES -- a relentless patter song.) I GOTTA I'M NOTHIN' (FOCUS MY RIGHT THE SHE'S THIRTY-TWO (OVERLAPPING) THIS AND HOW BLADDER'S AWAITING'S I'M DROPPING DYING, SITUATION NATURE LONG WOMAN BUYING NOW-SHOPPING onALL GUY CONNIE SAMANTHA PEE APISSED 'BOUT MUST CONNIE MAN ALL. MORE IS BURSTING CAN MARRIAGE IS CALLING THIS BLUES --I'M APPALLING SECONDS (Cont.) and I'M DOSTALLING GUY. BUT and GONNA DROPPING-AND -COMES ---WEEP PATTER MUSIC I'M EXPLODE PERSIST? CHEAP GONNA CHANGES mix.) RIGHT -EXPLODE --NOWback -- to blues.) I'MGOTTA IWAITING (Calling All AND A HEAD right, I'M CONNIE GUY SAMANTHA ALL FOR FOR? PEE PISSED! into CASE boys' -HIM HER-the--zip men's up,room) I'm coming in and I'm not very happy! (MANMYTHE "CANTATA GETTING KIDS HERE OH WEDDING WHY ALL ONCE DID and HAVE WE AGAIN, GOD, SHE HE HE/SHE OLD, ARE, DAY, I, YEARS, WOMAN FOR ALL, TIME MARRY WHO A WE'VE GROWING ALL JUST sing:) FIRST MOVED HAS ARE ALONE HER? A YOU? FLOWN BLUR DATE"THROUGH GRAY AWAY BEEN REPRISE #3 "SHOULDN'T IN (Breakfast. LOVE WITHIAYOU?" BEHUSBAND LESS and WIFE, in a bathrobe and slippers, wearily enter. Witho ut acknowledging the other, they mechanically follow their morning routine: They each take a cup of coffee and half of a newspaper. After a moment, he looks up. THE AINCLINED WHAT SHOULDN'T IN AFTER ALL THOSE THEN MUSIC SORDID CUTE LOVE IEXPERTS THOSE TELL TIME WE'VE THE CAN THIRTY FUTILE STARTS, YOUNG HUSBAND WITH TOBRUTAL FLING? SLEEPLESS MEBEEN CAN IBE? SAY BRAY ADDRESS FLEE? EXPLORE CONFESS CARESS ASSESS BE WHY THING? YOU? YEARS FIGHTS DO? aTHROUGH? MORE LESS ITFIGHTS IT'S ballad.) LOVE IS DOES TOGETHER NIGHTS MYFLEETING FADES HEART NOT SO LAST STILL FASTBEATING? 'CAUSE LIKE IT'S SHOULDN'T IN (WIFE NO. (He What? LOVE shakes ALL TIME looks MARRIAGE HUSBAND WIFE WITH OUR WEhis ITO HAVE PROFESS BE up.) HAVE FRIENDS? GO? YOU? LESS head, (Cont.) ENDS? QUIT SPLIT "nothing", and they go back to their newspapers.) THEROSE OF (ROSE Okay, (VIDEO Hello. Carboni Actually, VERY sits, just OPERATOR I'm VIDEO ROSE RITZ was FIRST he's bemy Rose asOPERATOR yourself, aDATING husband's not exits. Carboni. VIDEO really VIDEO OPERATOR ROSE don't No! name. dead, speaks Ritz! beBut sets we're nervous into Rose he's updivorced. aand the Ritz! dead. video camera.) remember That's Whoops! Icamera.) justit. toprefer smile.to Rose Ritz. think Yes.of him as Ohdead, my gosh, cheersdidmeIright just do up.that?! Here I am, making my very first dating video -that's right, this is the very first dating video of Rose Ritz! -- and I'm alre ady telling all you potential -- Mr. Video Men-Of-My-Dreams out there-telling al l youyes, But Video I'mMen divorced. that I'mI love divorced. you forever Good move, -- not! Rosie! Divorced, divorced, divorced! But actually, can we not even talk about my divorce. My divorce was like -- like open heart surgery without anesthesia. My insides were just ripped out, my guts Well, on thewasn't floor,that andattractive no one bothered of me to share sedatewith me! you. Okay. I bet my phone is ri ngingabout Now off myself the hook--already! well, I've just had to re-enter the workforce as a telemarke ter. Basically I call people up, try to sell them something and they hang up on me. It's very fulfilling. Oh, and ROSE I just(Cont.) enrolled in a magic class at the high school adult school. It was either magic or a step aerobics class, and quite frankly, magic seemed less exh austing. And to be even more frank, I thought it'd be a more likely place to mee

t men. Unfortunately, the class consists entirely of divorced women, all hoping to meet men. Yes, seven divorced women learning how to pull a coin from a child' s ear, while next door twenty-five single men do step aerobics. Well, at least I 'm back Oh, I almost in theforgot game!-- I've got children! Well isn't that attractive. So Mr. Vid eo Man,IIdo. Though hopeOh,youI don't hate my children. children, of course! I hate the concept of havi ng to raise children all by yourself after your dead husband walks out on your f ortieth birthday! Oh my God! I just told you he left me, not visa versa! DAMAGED GOODS ALERT! Why would her dead husband dump her and run off with an older woma n? That's right, he had a mid-life crisis and he didn't even have the decency to leave me for someone young and pretty and firm! He left me for a size eighteen with a grandchild and a bad hip! So now you're really wondering what is wrong wi th Rose Well youRitz! know what? I don't care, Mr. Video Man! 'Cause I've stayed up many a la te night with nothing to comfort me except my thirty-two inch television and sen t away for all those tapes from all those late-night infomercial things -- Tony Robbins, Richard Simmons, all those nuts who think they're psychic -- and now I believe And now,inafter myself! fifteen Stopyears the insanity! of wakingDeal up next a meal! to the I'msame okay!balding lump of deadw ood, Rose Ritz is ready and in control and had to stop the car three times to th row up on the way to this humiliating video dating session just on the thousandto-one chance that maybe she'll meet a decent guy so she doesn't have to be alon e for the rest of her life 'cause her dead husband left her for a limping grandm (A beat) No warning. "I love someone more." Then he just left. And then it just other! stopped. My life. For three days, I laid in bed, and just stopped. And somehow, ROSE (Cont.) here I am -- on the six month anniversary of the collapse of my lif e -- I got myself here -- to make the very first dating video of Rose Ritz. So c hoose Uh No. Rose, No.me.ROSE VIDEO That's Rose Mr. OPERATOR Video -exactly Uh,Man. weVOICE what have Please. Iall wanted thattoonsay. tape. What do you say we try it again? (SOLEMN FUNERALS MUSIC is ARE heard. FORMURIEL, DATING a solemn woman about seventy, enters, pays her r espects to an unseen corpse, and sits. ARTHUR, also in his seventies but much mo re jovial, enters, glances at the corpse, shrugs his shoulders, and sits. A shor t silence The Excuse Frank Markus Markus' me? ARTHUR MURIEL asviewing! ARTHUR wake --notices I saw you MURIEL.) there. Also at --the memorial for Helen Luger! R ight.sorry I'm Yes, actually ARTHUR MURIEL -- doI think I knowweyou? were introduced at Maury Greenblatt's funeral. Is it Mu riel? Uh Nice (Very So You No, --I'm don't tothis yes. unsure) MURIEL ARTHUR seeknow here seems you for Hello. who again, like the the4:00 adeceased Muriel. nice viewing: funeral. Arthur is?McNulty. Beasley. Who's it for? I'm a little early, just thought it' d be nice to pay my respects. It's forMURIEL Judith -- oh my, I don't know her name. I didn't actually know her. I j ust accompanied That's Pardon? (Removes nice ARTHUR MURIEL a sandwich of you. my girl Wouldfriend. from his youpocket like some and unwraps salami? it.)I knew I was early I brought along a sandwich. The salami's fresh from Sedano's, and I sliced some fresh red pepper on from that nice little deli that's very clean on Washington. I usually buy the bread from Wolfie's but today it didn't smell so good so I went to the W.D. They never give me the right change at the W.D. so I started fighting with thecan (He I(MURIEL Had Hmm. And What? Your How shouldn't manager can't the you?MURIEL would husband? wait. MURIEL ARTHUR still viewing help you ...know eat (He stares.) Is but this puts for this notice my myit here, where husband Sue away.) MURIEL's should here youpassed --I?married had stare.) the away? wake? 43 years. JustJim's What That (A My Riverside Yes. Seeing Excuse Was This I'm short that sorry. hadme? look? look is anyone? MURIEL ARTHUR atoo that silence.) viewing ofI don't Gordon wake. someone forward? look Someone wasusually is about nice. whohas in Riverside you. has Their dodied. lost this, seats theI just Gordon. True, person are wenice. Two don't seem they've years toknow beand spent whoa she going couple their tois, a lot life of still... months ofwith. these ago.la tely.not It's I MURIEL just a problem. like toAnd talk. youI'm shouldn't sorry. get your salami from Sedano's 'cause their butcher doesn't look clean to me. And if you go to a deli, make sure it's Jewis h, they know what a decent portion looks like. Would youARTHUR be interested in getting a cup of coffee later? Of course, you'd have to hang around till after the McNulty viewing, but they're nice people. They pro bably Is No, this inwon't order MURIEL ARTHUR a pick-up? beforinitthetobest actually mood,bebuta pick-up, ... you'd have to agree to a date. Rig Ihtmade (MURIEL (Very Sorry... (Dismissing (A So Arthur, now,embarrassed, beat) Muriel, her ARTHUR MURIEL it's looks notices you sorry... laugh how the seem just atabout that starers) him -like antoit? attempted for others anonice a moment, one Ah! Cup are inpick-up. of man staring particular) coffee --then youwon't laughs, and do --quickly kill butandIya,don't hepardon stops.) joins really in.)go the expression. out like you 'reHEALTH'S (MUSIC "I I'VE MY WELL THAT'S CAN intending GOTUNDERSTOOD AT starts, LIVE MURIEL ARTHUR OUR SOMEAGE WITH NOT No, PROBLEMS with GOOD THAT" I ajust gentle don'tdance-like -beat.) (Indicating I'LL I'VE WELL INO FRIENDS SOMETIMES IT MY MINE DYE FIND OFTEN LOOKS WAYS MATTER, STILL KIDS GOT GET HAD I'VE PEOPLE NEVER MYYOU MURIEL ARTHUR ARE THINK KEEP DON'T ARTHRITIS BRONCHITIS ATHAT HAIR NICE DOES IHAD BYPASS SEXY ISTRANGE LEAVE himself)FLARES SET CHANGE HAVE CAN DYING SOONTO TWO BLUE OF HURT VISIT LIVE THOSE BUT JUST REMINISCE WITH INOT I'VE MISS UPAS THAT GROWN INLONG JUNE STRONG I WAKE I'M NO (MUSICAL Arthur, MAKE TELL DRINK LIKE GOT KEEP MATTER, UPAAT AMURIEL TALL THE THINGS IN UP ARTHUR SKIM VERMOUTH GARDEN. there's MEAT INTERLUDE. SHAPE. LATE DAWN ITRUTH TALES MILK CAN LOAF CLEAN. ILIVE something IGROW YOU MOW ARTHUR IWITH WON'T SCRUB SOME THE Iextends THAT. LAWN THAT SQUASH have BELIEVE THE WASH to his tellhand, you.and Whenthey it comes dance.)to -- you know -- I' m not that type that just hops right into the bed like an acrobat. It takes time Oh-oh. That's with me. aARTHUR MURIEL Aproblem? RTHUR Depends. How much time you talking? 'Cause if you're talking years, I don't thin k CAN AT NEXT IS BUT WITH SOMEDAY FOR I'll And YOU INO either was -WILL MATTER, MY MATTER I'M NOW, II, THINK TOLIVE MUCH always talking JIM'S GRAVESITE just BEMURIEL my MURIEL/ARTHUR ARTHUR MYRTHUR/MURIEL STILL AI'LL ofISue. I'LL BURIED TO IDO? SUE don't WITH usDIE RIGHT love CAN GIVE ahas HERE LIVE few YOU. LIVE my know that weeks. Jim. WITH ... long. Maybe. THAT (WOMEN EPILOGUE And -endlessly the#1/MAN WOMAN MAN Lord#crashing God 1#1 said: enter,into thus chancing, each is how other, dressed the like bookintwo ofhooded man vengeful and robes woman bumper fromshall Prologue.) cars, be Romeo writtenRome -o wherefore art thou Romeo, you played it for her you can play it for me, my man done did me wrong, chicks and ducks and geese better scurry, I got it bad and t hat ain't good, you make me feel like a natural woman, she was just 17 you know what (MAN But All Go Find Someone Then "I NOW KEEP IOF KEEP SWEAR forth LOVE LOVING above ye CHANGE" I COMIN' #2/WOMAN someone spend COMIN' mean, good WOMAN MAN ALL you YOU, THAT with all AND the #1 #2 people think BACK love to IYOU'RE #1 #2 else, joy! BACK LEAVING rest SWORE love! enter, toTO is ofPERFECT, added of love perfect! OFF earth THIS AND your dressed OFWANTING yaWHIRLWIND the --baby. life LOVE Lord inBEFORE trying MORE theTOUR God, hooded onechange to truth robes.) is eternal -them! BUTLOVE SOMEHOW SO BABY, LOVE'S ONCE WELL 'CAUSE KEEP BACK IIS Hi. CHANGE! BEEN SAY KEEP HEREBY IIIN TO YOU IF COMIN' II'M LOOK IATHROUGH COMIN' YOU, ICONCEDE KEEP LOVE'S THIS DELICIOUS HIT AKEEP ATYOU'RE MESS IBACK COMIN' BLISS LOVESICK RECKLESS BACK YOU LOVE COMIN' ATHE BUT DISEASE WHAT AND ALL RINGER AND THEN YOU, PERFECT, BACK ISAY BACK MESS IJOY GOO-GOO SAY VICIOUS YOU NEED YOU'RE BABY IAND IITNOW HIT THRIVE DIVE TO BEEN WITH GET EYED CURSE PERFECT REVERSE SURVIVE CHANGE CHANGE, MEPRIDE| DRIP-DRIED A NURSE