I Love You Because (Script) (a)

— PRTC SCRIPT —

I LOVE YOU BECAUSE Music by JOSHUA SALZMAN Book and Lyrics by RYAN CUNNINGHAM

Theatri©al Rights Worldwide 1359 Broadway, Suite 914, New York, NY 10018 866-378-9758 toll-free 212-643-1322 fax www.TheatricalRights.com

THE PLACE New York City

THE TIME Present day

CAST OF CHARACTERS AUSTIN BENNET (25; tenor to A): greeting card writer. JEFF BENNET (28; baritone to G [optional A]): pedi-cab driver. MARCY FITZWILLIAMS (24; soprano, strong mix to F, belt to D): photographer. DIANA BINGLEY (27; alto to D): actuary. BRIGITTE (soprano): Cocktail Waitress, Baristress, Neighbor, Chinese Food Restaurant Manager, NYC Woman DANNY (bari-tenor): Bartender, Barista, Waiter, Chinese Food Restaurant Waiter, NYC Man

INDEX OF SCENES AND SONGS

Act I

Location

Song

Page

Scene 1

New York City

Another Saturday Night in New York

1

Scene 2

O’Dennehey’s Bar

Oh, What a Difference

4

Scene 3

Marcy and Diana’s Apartment

The Actuary Song

9

Scene 4

O’Dennehey’s Bar

But I Don’t Want to Talk About Her

15

Scene 5

Austin and Jeff’s Apartment

Jeff’s Back

23

Scene 6

True Brew Coffee Shop

Coffee

27

Scene 7a

O’Dennehey’s Bar

The Perfect Romance—Part 1

36

Scene 7b

True Brew Coffee Shop

The Perfect Romance—Part 2

38

Scene 7c

Austin and Jeff’s Apartment

The Perfect Romance—Part 3

41

Scene 8

Austin and Jeff’s Apartment

The Postcard Arrives

46

Scene 9

Great Wall Chinese Restaurant

Beef and Some Vegetable

50

Scene 10a

Marcy and Diana’s Apartment

Because of You

56

Scene 10b

New York City

We’re Just Friends

59

Scene 10c

Marcy and Diana’s Apartment

Popcorn and Wine

61

Scene 11

Austin and Jeff’s Apartment

Maybe We Just Made Love

66

Scene 12

A Park

Just Not Now

70

Act II

Location

Song

Page

Scene 1

O’Dennehey’s Bar

Alone

73

Scene 2a

Austin and Jeff’s Apartment

That’s What’s Gonna Happen

77

Scene 2b

Austin and Jeff’s Apartment

Even Though

84

Scene 3

New York City

But I Do

87

Scene 4

O’Dennehey’s Bar

What Do We Do It For

90

Scene 5a

Austin and Jeff’s Apartment

Marcy’s Yours

98

Scene 5b

Austin and Jeff’s Apartment

Goodbye

100

Scene 6

True Brew Coffee Shop

I Love You Because

102

ACT I ACT I, SCENE 1 — NEW YORK CITY ANOTHER SATURDAY NIGHT IN NEW YORK (Austin) (He appears onstage, writing in a pad) Dear Catherine, Life is like a see-saw. It’s a lot more fun with someone else. (He stops writing) Oh, that’s good. She’ll love that. I am a master of greeting card writing! (Checking the time) And right on time. Brush my teeth in the shower. Shampoo twice. Clean and primp for an hour. Old Spice is nice. Then I’m off to Catherine’s. I knock on her door, Right on time like I have every Saturday before. She’s my angel in white. Another Saturday night in New York. (Ensemble enters behind Austin) Then we’re off to have dinner, Drink some fine wine. (Ensemble) Dooooh, wah, wah, wah, wah, dooooh. (Austin) Every night I’m the winner. Catherine is mine. (Ensemble) Shoobie doobie doo wah, wah, wah, wah, Rah. (Austin) I’m flying so high, That I can’t see the ground. They can see me all the way Down the Long Island Sound. Our future is bright.

1

(Austin and Ensemble) Another Saturday night in New York. (Ensemble) This city’s funny. When you’re in love everything seems perfect. Cabbies honk their horns Together in a perfect symphony, ee, ee. (Danny as NYC Man and Brigitte as NYC Woman) You tip your hat to All the ladies and they smile at you. (NYC Woman) Every “Up yours” (Jeff) And “Screw you” (Diana) And “Watch it, jerk!” (Ensemble) Are in perfect harmony. (Austin) Stop right here, buy some flowers, Just like last week. (NYC Man) Yankees won last night, And the night before. (Austin) For the next couple hours, Somewhere that’s chic. (NYC Woman) Billy Joel says he might go back on tour. (Austin) All is perfect. What can go wrong? When I die can I Bring the whole city along? For this Manhattanite Another Saturday night in New York.

2

(Ensemble) Catherine’s waiting.

3

(Jeff) Let’s go! (Ensemble) Ever since you two first started dating, It has seemed like all of New York is Laid out just for you, oo oo. But then it changes And all that you know rearranges. But doesn’t it seem like It’s already almost too good to be true? (Austin) Another Saturday night in New York! (Ensemble) Another Saturday night. Another Saturday night. Another Saturday night. Another Saturday night. Another Saturday night. Another Saturday night. Another Saturday night. Another Saturday night. Another Saturday night. Another Saturday night in New York!

(Austin) I’ll be with Catherine for the rest of my life. Woah, woah.

I’ll be with Catherine for the rest of my life. Another Saturday night! Another Saturday night in New York!

(As the music comes back in, Jeff and Diana exit. NYC Man and NYC Woman walk to each side of Catherine’s door. Austin approaches the door and knocks on it. He opens it, light pours out toward the audience. Austin looks horrified) (Austin) Catherine? (NYC Man and NYC Woman) Another Saturday night in New York. END OF SONG

ACT I, SCENE 2 — O’DENNEHEY’S BAR (Jeff) Hey, is your name Summer? ’Cause you’re hot. (Brigitte as Cocktail Waitress) Very clever. (Jeff) I just made it up. (Cocktail Waitress) It’s written on your shirt. (Jeff) I have a magic shirt where it writes what I’m thinking. (Bartender enters) (Danny as Bartender) Hey, we just got a new shipment in. Can you help me in the back? (Cocktail Waitress) Yeah. I’ll see you later. (Bartender and Cocktail Waitress exit) (Jeff) Hey. Woah. What happened to you? (Austin) I walked in on Catherine and another guy. (Jeff) Man! That is the shittiest thing that could possibly happen. You have to feel like shit. Do you feel like shit? (Austin) Yeah. (Jeff) You gotta feel like you’re up shit’s creek without a ladder. (Austin) Paddle.

4

(Jeff) Paddle. Hug?

5

(Austin) Yeah, I think I’d like that. (Jeff) Come here. (Austin and Jeff awkwardly hug) (Austin) Yeah, I didn’t like that. (Jeff) Let me try again. (Austin) Easy, Jeff. (Jeff) Listen, you’re single again now, Austin. You can do all the kind of stuff you wanted to do, but couldn’t because you were with Catherine. You and I can paint the town together. Austin and Jeff, the Bennet brothers, back on the scene. (Austin) That might be nice. (Jeff) For the ladies. Remember back when you were single? Before you met Catherine? (Austin) Kinda. (Jeff) I remember this one time. You called me, and you were psyched. You had met this beautiful girl who was funny and thought you were funny and you hit it off, and you were having the time of your life. You can do that kind of stuff again now, Austin. You remember that? (Austin) Yeah. That girl was Catherine. (Jeff) Damn! (Austin) I have to win her back. (Jeff) I’ll have to kill you.

(Austin) 6 Jeff, we were supposed to get married. Just last week we were talking about moving upstate soon, getting out of the city, starting our lives. I’ve planned my whole life around her, and now she’s gone. I can’t imagine not being with her. (Jeff) Imagine it. It’s like this: “Hey, I’m Austin. I’m not dating a heartless skank who cheats on me.” (Austin) Jeff, please. (Jeff) Austin, there’s only one way to win a woman back. But I’m warning you. It’s kind of iconic. (Austin) Ironic? (Jeff) Ironic. OH, WHAT A DIFFERENCE (Jeff) Austin, look at you. You’re a mess. You want Catherine back, for some reason, I guess. Well here’s how… (Austin) How? (Jeff) Pretend you couldn’t care less. (Austin) Have you met me? You think I can just move on that easily? (Jeff) You want her back Now don’t you, Bro? (Austin) Uh, yes. (Jeff) There’s just one thing you need to know. (Austin) Which is?

(Jeff) Forget her. Boom! Kaput! She’s gone! Women come back When you move on. They’re fed up with you. They list all the things that you lack. So you go out, find someone new. Guess what? Now they want you back. That’s all it takes. Oh, what a difference A little indifference makes. (Austin) Jeff, it can’t possibly be that easy. Don’t you think everyone would know about it? (Jeff) You see that guy Cry in his beer. A girl walks up Blows in his ear. Getting excited! Next thing, she’s Taking off her clothes. His ex has moved on. But trust me, she knows. She says, “Let’s screw. No strings.” He stammers, “Okay,” through his shock. Suddenly his cell phone rings. It’s her, and she just wants to talk. That’s all it takes. Oh, what a difference A little indifference makes. So come on Austin, Let’s hit the town. Go somewhere loud. We’ll both get plowed. Hey! It’s Jeff! I won’t let you down. Oh, come on Austin. She’s a memory, just let it fade. We’ll get each other’s backs. Let loose! Relax! Who knows? You might even get laid. (Austin) I don’t know Jeff.

7

(Jeff) Come on, Austin. If you go out, have fun, somewhere Catherine will sense that you’re happy and come running back. They have a sick sense. (Austin) Sixth. (Jeff) Uh-uh. Sick. So let’s go out, forget the past. (Austin) Austin and Jeff, back together at last. (Jeff) That’s what I’m talking about! Listen, it’s me, I’ll get us dates. (Austin) Hey, I know this bar that Catherine hates. (Jeff) Do what we used to do. But look, Catherine’s back for more. (Austin) I’ll say, “My God, you’re back. It’s you. Catherine, have you met the door?” (Jeff) Yeah, that’s what it takes. (Austin and Jeff) Oh what a difference, (Austin) What an itty bitty difference, (Jeff) What a whole life changing difference, (Austin and Jeff) A little indifference makes. A little indifference makes. A little indifference makes. (Jeff) It’s good to have you back, Bro. (Austin and Jeff) A little indifference makes! END OF SONG

8

ACT I, SCENE 3 — MARCY AND DIANA’S APARTMENT (Diana and Marcy are in their apartment. Diana searches frantically for her keys) (Diana) I’m sorry about this, Marcy. I’m sure I left them around here somewhere, and since you don’t believe in carrying keys, it’s our only pair. THE ACTUARY SONG—VERSE INTRO (Marcy) I did the right thing. Right? Of course, I did the right thing. Right? I always do the right thing no matter what ’Cause I do what my heart says, I follow my gut. I made the right choice, right? (Diana) If I were my keys, where would I be? (Marcy) Right. But what if I’m wrong? And what if with Larry’s where I belong? But my gut said, “Marcy, I know it’s tough, But it’s time to end this. You’ve had enough.” I made the right choice. Right? (Diana) Maybe someone stole my keys. (Marcy) At first he was great. Fun. Galore. I thought, “He’s what I’m put here for.” But I always thought that we’d turn into something more. So fine, I’m done dating Larry, I know I should rejoice. But everywhere I’m going I still hear his frickin’ voice Diana, please tell me that I made the right choice. I made the right choice. Right? END OF SONG

9

(Diana) 10 I swear to God they were right…here they are. Found my keys. Were you saying something? (Marcy) Yeah. I was saying that breaking up with Larry was the right thing to do. Right? (Diana) Marcy. I’ve been waiting to tell you this. Larry…is a dirt bag. (Marcy) Diana, I dated him for two years. You couldn’t have said something? (Diana) I did say something. (Marcy) When? (Diana) Say, Marcy, do you think it’s weird that Larry doesn’t hold the door for you? (Marcy) Oh, I kinda… (Diana) Say Marcy, do you think it’s weird that Larry forgot your birthday? (Marcy) I definitely remember… (Diana) Say Marcy, do you think it’s weird that in the two years you’ve been dating, Larry never once said, “I love you?” (Marcy) Okay, I get the point! (Diana) You were in love with him. There was only so much I could do. (Marcy) But he was an artist. And a free spirit. And a vegan. (Diana) And a dirt bag. (Marcy) You know what, Diana? I’ve gotta get back out there. I just wasted two years of my life on a dead-end relationship. My perfect man is out there waiting for me, and God only knows what he’s been doing for the past two years. Come on, Diana, let’s go!

(Diana) 11 Marcy, calm down. You can’t just come out of a two-year relationship and run back out there. Dating isn’t a wild free-for-all. It’s a game of numbers. (Marcy) For you. You’re an actuary. (Diana) No, for everyone sweetie. Everything about dating can be figured out with numbers. Don’t call until three days after a date. No sex until four weeks into a relationship. A woman with more than five sexual partners is a slut. A woman with less than three is a prude. Which brings us to the math involved in your situation. (Marcy) What math? I’m not even in a relationship now. (Diana) But this is still an important time for you, and you need to know how long it’s going to be. (Marcy) Diana, I really tried with Larry, and here I am again, alone. I’ll do anything. Just tell me what you’re talking about. (Diana) Rebound time. (Marcy) Oh. Like six months? Yeah? THE ACTUARY SONG (Diana) No. It’s as simple as… Take your relationship length or RL. First year of RL Is worth six months recovery. The second year is worth exactly half that. (Marcy giggles) Now don’t you laugh at This brilliant discovery. Each year is worth One half the lack of mirth The year before was worth. Your aches and pains will soon diminish. So rebound time, RT, Is the fraction of a year It takes for pain to disappear. You go through RT and then finish. Your RT is important, And it really can’t be shortened, No matter what you do, Don’t even try.

(Marcy) What if I… (Diana) So you can date around, but then Those guys will just be rebound men. That’s what rebound time is all about. And it’s as simple as that. (Marcy) So I give it time. Then find the one. I’m gonna go out and I’ll get him Once my rebound time is done. I have his picture in my mind. It’s as clear as black and white. He’ll be everything I’ve ever dreamed of. I’m gonna find mister right. Yes? (Diana) No. We still need to figure out your rebound time. Are you following me so far? (Marcy) Yes. No. (Diana) Some factors can make A relationship feel long, Like how right the breakup felt Or the way that things went wrong. If you ask me, it’s plain to see, That there are three things to consider When it’s all to be configurated. Your RL, it can change, And I know it may sound strange, But what matters is how long That it feels like you dated. Your new RL, We’ll call it adjusted RL, Or just ARL. And it’s the ARL that changes with One! What number boyfriend was he? Was it low or was it high? Also known as the Number Boyfriend Index, Or the NBI. This matters, it does. It’s four divided by three

12

(Diana, cont.) Plus the number boyfriend that he was. Two! The who broke up with whom constant, The WBUWWC. You with me? If he dumped you, you multiply by five fourths. If you dumped him, you multiply by three fourths. And number three! The bitterness factor. Rate the bitterness of the breakup On a scale of one to ten. You take that number, divide by point five, and then You get the BF. And it’s as simple as that. (Marcy) So what’s my rebound time? (Diana) Well, you actually dated for two years, he was your 27th boyfriend, based on how you are reacting to the breakup, I’d say the bitterness is about a five. So, plug it in…dit dit dit…Carry the one…and…it’s like you dated for a year. (Marcy) You know it felt like that. (Diana) Exactly. Putting your rebound time at six months. Officially. (Marcy) Isn’t that what I said five minutes ago? (Diana) But now it’s proven. (Marcy) So I’ll give it time. Begin to heal. Once I’m done with rebound time It’s time to bring on someone real. We’ll think all the same thoughts And we’ll never ever fight. He’ll be everything I’ve ever dreamed of. I’m gonna find Mr. Right. (Diana) Actually… (Marcy) What?

13

(Diana) It’s not that simple. Some of my friends got their perfect man, But just before they got ‘em, They dated the worst man possible. They hit boyfriend rock bottom.

14

(Marcy) So in order to find my perfect man I need to find someone who’s perfectly wrong. I’m in New York, that shouldn’t take too long. (Diana) You’ve gotta find Mister Wrong while you’re in R. T. Or you’ll repeat this cycle forever Just like me. (Marcy) I’ll give it time. But first I have to find Someone who’s flawed, Structured, and boring. He’ll have warts of every kind. I’ll give it time, But then leave Mr. Rebound Behind.

Oh! I’ll give it time. Otherwise I’ll be sure To go back to the cycle That I’ve cycled through before. I’m sure it won’t be pleasant, But I’ll stand strong.

So to find Mr. Right In the next six months, I’m gonna find Mr. Wrong. END OF SONG

(Diana) You bet you will. Don’t blow it. When I was in my rebound time I blew it and I knew it. I blew it and I knew it. I blew it and I knew it. Super warty! Warty, warty, warty, warty, Warty, warty, warty! He’ll have a bump, Live in a dump, Be such a chump, That if you hump, You’ll need a penis pump. You’re gonna give it time. Otherwise you’ll be sure To go back to the cycle That you’ve cycled through before. But you’ll stand strong. And I swear I will be there, No matter where, Because I care. We are a pair, And we will share The wear and tear. In the next six months, You’re gonna find Mr. Wrong.

ACT I, SCENE 4 — O’DENNEHEY’S BAR (Brigitte as Cocktail Waitress) Hello and welcome to O’Dennehey’s. Can I start you guys off with a drink? (Austin) I’ll have a Brooklyn Lager. (Jeff) Has anyone ever told you that you look like Minnie Driver? (Cocktail Waitress) You think so?! (Jeff) Yeah, a little. I’ll have a Jameson, rocks. (Cocktail Waitress) Okay, Brooklyn lager and a Jameson—rocks. (Exits) (Austin) So where exactly did you meet this girl? (Jeff) You know, it’s hard to say where we meet people in this crazy, mixed-up world. (Austin) Where’d you meet her? (Jeff) Well, the thing about this cacophonous symphony we call New York City is… (Austin) Jeff, where? (Jeff) J-Date. (Austin) The online Jewish dating service?

15

(Jeff) So? (Austin) We’re not Jewish! (Diana and Marcy enter the bar) (Jeff) Quiet! That’s her. Now, remember, be smooth. Compliment her. (To Diane and Marcy) Mazel Tov! You must be Diana Bingley. (Diana) And you, Jeff Bennet. (Jeff) Yes. And this beautiful young woman must be Marcy Fitz… (Marcy) Fitzwilliams. (Jeff) Fitzwilliams. (Marcy) I am. (Jeff) Marcy, this is my brother, Austin. (Austin) (To Marcy) Hello. You have a big belt. (Jeff) Ladies, we just ordered drinks, so we’ll go tell the waitress what you want. (Diana) Cranberry and vodka with a splash of triple sec. (Jeff) A splash? (Diana) One-ninth of a shot. (Marcy) Whatever the waitress recommends. (Jeff) Okay. Come on, Austin. (Austin and Jeff exit)

16

(Marcy) I have a big belt.

17

(Diana) Give him a chance. (Marcy) Where did you meet these guys? (Diana) Well…J-Date. (Marcy) You’re not Jewish! (Diana) I’m not gonna marry him. I’m just looking for a little meshugenneh in the gefilte fish. (Marcy) You’ve lost it. (Diana) Marcy, I blew my rebound time. I am now in my “wild abandon” phase. In order to do this right, I need to throw caution to the wind. The more certain I am I won’t end up with a guy, the better. And I’m certain I won’t end up with someone looking for a nice Jewish girl. (Marcy) Diana Bingley’s throwing caution to the wind? (Diana) Marcy Fitzwilliams is following rules? (Marcy) Fair enough. (Austin and Jeff return from the bar) (Jeff) She’ll be right over. (Diana) So Jeff, what do you do? (Jeff) I peddle a pedi-cab. (Diana) Isn’t that tiring?

(Jeff) Nah, it’s a piece of shit.

18

(Diana) Piece of—cake? (Jeff) Piece of cake. (Cocktail Waitress comes up behind Jeff with the drinks) Diana, has anyone ever told you that you look like Minnie Driver? (Diana) Really? (Jeff) A little. (Cocktail Waitress) Maybe later, we could have a Minnie Driver look-alike contest. (Sets down the drinks and exits) (Jeff) Yeah, maybe. Ladies…L’Chaim! (All toast and drink) (Marcy) And what do you do, Austin? (Austin) I’m a greeting card writer. (Marcy) Anything I would have heard of? (Austin) Anyone in your family die recently? (Jeff) Diana! What do you do? (Diana) I’m an actuary.

(Jeff) An actuary, huh? (Diana) Yeah. (Jeff) So how do you like studying birds? (A confused pause from everyone else) I bet you didn’t think I knew what an actuary was, didja? (Awkward pause) (To Diana) Hey, wanna watch me get high score on Ms. Pac Man? (Diana) Ummm. (Jeff) Come on, it’ll be awesome. (Diana) Sure. (Jeff) Awesome! (Diana and Jeff exit) (Marcy) So…Austin…how’d you get into greeting card writing? (Austin) Well, Marcy… May I call you Marcy? (Marcy) That’s my name. (Austin) That it is. Greeting card writing is just an outgrowth of my passion. (Marcy) And what’s that? BUT I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT HER (Austin) I write poetry. Romance usually. I’m very romantic But…but wait!

19

(Austin, cont.) I’m tough, too, A romantic tough guy, Sorta like Rock Hudson, But straight. This one time, I wrote a poem for my ex-girlfriend. She said, “That’s the best thing I’ve ever read.” And she reads poets. Oh yeah. Yeats, Cummings, you name it. She has all these guys Bouncing round her head. (Marcy) She sounds great. She has insight that I swear Could win a Pulitzer Prize. There’s a genius in her mind, That truly sparkles through her eyes. She’s so smart Being near her Makes your intelligence rise. But I don’t want to talk about her. So, what do you do? (Marcy) I’m a photographer. (Austin) Oh yeah? What kind of stuff do you do? (Marcy) I try to capture the beauty of the human spirit. (Austin) Hmm. Speaking of beauty, That reminds me of my ex-girlfriend. She was gorgeous, But she never really knew it. She had this smile, I swear to God, you were blessed If you had one chance to view it.

20

(Austin, cont.) She had a look That could inspire symphonies. Or cause the most stubborn men To have epiphanies. She’s as enchanting as Hepburn In “Breakfast at Tiffany’s.” But I don’t want to talk about her. (Marcy) So you have an ex-girlfriend. (Austin) I don’t want to talk about her. (Marcy) Oh right, sorry. There are some things I don’t want to talk about either. (Austin) Oh, yeah? (Marcy) I don’t want to talk about The fact that I Can’t seem to meet a single guy Who meets all my desires. (Austin) That’s fine, we could… (Marcy) I don’t want to talk about How many men Have claimed that they would be the one And it turns out they’re all liars. (Austin) Marcy, now that’s not really… (Marcy) I don’t want to talk about The day when I Experimented with my girlfriend And I almost came out. (Austin) We can talk about that if you really want to…

21

(Marcy) But there’s always something missing No matter where I search, But that’s not what I want to talk about.

22

(Austin) Woo! Man, you are kind of a whiner. (Marcy) I’m sorry. I’m sorry, but wasn’t it you who spent the first half of this conversation talking about your ex-girlfriend? (Austin) How dare you bring up the topic Of my ex-girlfriend. Who’s gorgeous and brilliant, by The way. I’m trying not to think about it, And you throw it in my face. Now I’m all upset and that’s the fifteenth time today. I’m not the type Who runs or who hides. I follow my plan. I follow my guides. You’re wrong. I know we’ll Be together forever. Besides! I don’t want to talk about her. END OF SONG (Jeff and Diana enter) (Jeff) So…you figure out insurance risks…for birds. (Diana) Yeah…No…There are no birds involved! (Jeff) Let’s do shots. C’mon Austin. (Austin and Jeff exit) (Diana) So how is he? (Marcy) Perfect!

(Marcy) Yeah but you…What?! Yeah, I heard. Throw it? Less than I would’ve guessed. I see. No matter how misguided they may be.

Obviously.

ACT I, SCENE 5 — AUSTIN AND JEFF’S APARTMENT (Jeff) Lady of de night—may I have dis dance. (Diana) In your apartment? This is only our second date. What kind of a girl do you think I am, Jeff Bennet? (Jeff) It’s just a dance. (Diana) Well…if it’s just a dance. (Jeff) A love dance! (Diana) Mr. Bennet, are you trying to seduce me? (Jeff) I don’t know. I may have to lie down to figure that one out. (Diana) Mr. Bennet! (Jeff) Ms. Bingl..aaaaaaah! (His back has given out) (Diana) What’s wrong? (Jeff) My back, my back, my back, my back. I’m going to put you down on the couch.

23

(Diana) Likely story, lovah. (Jeff) No, I think my spine ruptured. (Diana) You want me to rub it and make it better? (Jeff) No. I think it’s best if you don’t touch me. (Diana) Is this serious, or is this something you can take for the team? (Jeff) Whose team? (Diana) Our team. (Jeff) Go team! (Diana) Really? (Jeff) Okay, wait. You get off the couch. (Diana) I’ll make this as painless as possible. I promise. (Jeff) Ow, ow, ow…yay team. Okay, now you join me. (Diana) All right.

24

(Jeff) Get out. Get out. Get out. Get out. (Diana) Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. (Jeff) There’s just too much give in the couch. If I lay on the floor… Okay, now you climb on top of me. Oh, yeah. (Diana) Oh, yeah? (Jeff) Oh, yeah. (Diana) Oh, yeah? (Jeff) Ow! Okay, is there any way we can do this without you touching me? (Diana) That sort of defeats the purpose. (Jeff) If I get to the floor…and then you support yourself on the couch, but lower yourself onto me. (Diana) Oooh, it’s like a Kama Sutra move. (Jeff) Sure, it’s like a karma too too move. (Diana lowers herself onto him from couch) Oh!

25

(Diana) Sorry! (Jeff) You did it. You fixed me! I’m fine! (Diana) What? (Jeff) It must have fallen back into place! So where were we? (Diana) Come here big boy. (Jeff) Arghhhh! (Blackout. An ambulance siren goes off in the dark)

26

ACT I, SCENE 6 — TRUE BREW COFFEE SHOP (Marcy orders a drink from the Barista. She wears a camera around her neck. She speaks to Danny as the Barista. Diana is asleep at the table) (Marcy) Diana? Diana! (Diana) Hey. (Marcy) Are you sleeping? (Diana) Not anymore. (Marcy) I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you up. (Diana) Then why did you yell out my name? (Marcy) How’s Jeff? (Diana) They’re still doing some weird thing to his back. He’ll be fine. (Marcy) Is Austin over there? (Diana) Visiting hours don’t start again for another hour, so he’s gonna kill some time over here. He’s just filling out some paper work for Jeff. (Marcy) And how are you doing? I mean, aside from being up for twenty-six straight hours? (Diana) Somewhere between horribly embarrassed and disturbingly humiliated. (Marcy) That’s “wild abandon” for you. (Barista enters) I ordered you a drink. (Barista) Café Mocha Latte with two-sevenths cups of cream?

27

(Diana) (To Marcy) Thank you.

28

(Barista) And the Barista’s special? (Marcy) Here. You know what? This is going to be awkward. I should go. (Diana) Marcy! We’ve been trying to set this up for two weeks now. When you saw him at the fruit stand, what did you do? (Marcy) I chickened out. (Diana) And when we waited for him outside of work so that you could accidentally bump into him, what did you do? (Marcy) I chickened out. (Diana) And when we got up at five in the morning so that you could run past him when he came out to get the paper, what did you do? (Marcy) I fell asleep in… (Diana) You fell asleep in the bushes. (Marcy) This just feels kinda creepy. I feel like I’m stalking him. (Diana) Well, you are, and you have been for the past two weeks. But Marcy, you’re actually doing him a favor. You could be his Ms. Wrong and then set him up to meet the woman of his dreams. Just send him on his way in six months. Hey, if you time it right, you could send him right back to his ex-girlfriend, who may willingly take him back. (Barista) Ah, the rock bottom principle.

(Diana) 29 Thank you. Jeff throwing out his back may be the best thing that ever happened to you. Just tell Austin you came here to give me support and this won’t seem forced at all. (Marcy) I’m just here to support Diana. I’m just here to support Diana. I’m just here to…Shhh, there he is. (Marcy and Diana retreat to the counter. Austin goes to sit at the table) (Diana) I will say this for you, Marcy. You sure can pick ’em. I’m outta here. Remember, find a way to hang on for six months and you’re golden. (Diana exits. Marcy approaches Austin unnoticed and takes a picture of him) (Austin) Don’t do that. Oh…hey. (Marcy) You had that look of consternation about you. I couldn’t resist. A modern day thinker. (Austin) Glad I could help. (Marcy) I’m just here to support Diana! (Austin) What are you talking about? (Marcy) Jeff threw out his back trying to have sex with Diana. (Austin) He told me he tried to lift a forklift off an old lady. (Marcy) Maybe it was a euphemism. (Austin) Listen, about the night at the bar, I… (Marcy) What are you doing? (Austin) I’m working. (Marcy reads what he is working on)

(Marcy) Nice penmanship.

30

(Austin) Thank you. (Marcy) “Life is like a seagull.” That’s it? (Austin) It’s not done. (Marcy) A seagull? (Austin) Yeah, it’s not done. (Marcy) How is life like a seagull? (Austin) Not done. I come up with a metaphor first, and then I figure it out later. (Marcy) That doesn’t sound very personal. (Austin) It’s supposed to be universal. It’s a poem. Please? (Marcy) You can’t come up with the image first and then try and make it make sense. There’s no heart or spontaneity. (Austin) Marcy, I’m a professional poet. I think I can write a poem for my girlfriend. (Marcy) Ex-girlfriend. (Austin) Thank you. (Marcy) Austin, please let me help you not to make an ass out of yourself. There’s a big difference between a greeting card poem and a poem poem. A greeting card poem is polite and doesn’t take any chances, and a poem poem puts your soul on the line.

(Austin) This is how I always work. (Marcy) Byuhhhh…this is how you always live. It’s how you write your poetry. It’s how you deal with your ex-girlfriend. It’s how you… Look, what kind of coffee are you drinking? (Austin) Black. (Marcy) Of course. Then there’s no surprises. If someone else adds cream or sugar, you don’t have control. (Austin) No, I just don’t like sweet things or milky things in my… COFFEE (Marcy) If I added cream to your coffee. You’d have a panic attack. Just add a little cream. Just a little dab of cream. (She tries to add cream to his coffee) (Austin) No! (Marcy) That’s why you take your coffee black. Oooo, look at you and your thermos. (Austin) What? (Marcy) The one over there on the floor. Did you bring it from home? You brought it from home! You had it when you walked in the door! (Austin) Big deal. I know how I like my coffee. ‘Cause I’ve got ways. I get things done. I could sit here and list ‘em, Cause I’ve got a system. And maybe it’s not crazy fun. But it works for me and my coffee.

31

(Austin, cont.) It moves me right along. There’s a neat logic to it. It’s just how I do it. If you think that it’s stupid, you’re wrong. So if you don’t mind, Marcy, I’m a little busy … (Marcy) Freeze. (Austin) What? (Marcy) Say cheese. (Takes another picture of him) (Austin) Agh! So how do you take your coffee? (Marcy) Well, that depends on when. (Austin) What? (Marcy) I ask the barista. It’s up to the barista. (Austin) Don’t ever say barista again. Doesn’t he find out your favorite? Doesn’t that hurt your device? (Marcy) No he never does. You know why he never does? I never go to the same place twice. (Austin) What?

32

(Marcy) I never go to the same place twice.

33

’Cause I know how I like my coffee. And I’ve got ways to keep things new. I am always exploring, So life’s never boring. Well, not as boring as you. So being crazy with coffee Is a useful skill to hone. You don’t have to deride it, Perhaps if you tried it, You wouldn’t be drinking alone. (Austin) You wouldn’t be drinking al… (Marcy pours Austin’s hot coffee on his hand) Ow! That’s hot! (Marcy) And it hurt! You knew everything you could know about that cup of coffee, and still, someone came along, and turned what was well planned out into something that hurt. Sound familiar? (Austin) I’m gonna get Catherine back. (Grabs his cell phone and begins to dial) (Marcy) She’s going to think you’re insane. Look, the seagull thing…it’s a disaster. And besides, it’s not done! (Austin) I’ll improvise something. (Marcy) Oh, improv. Well, mark my words, she’s gonna say, “Austin, that’s nice, but you’re kinda freaking me out.” (Austin) Hi Catherine. How are you? I’m fine. Listen. I know things are tough, but I wanted to say something. Life is like a pickle. It starts off smooth with no imperfections. But as it ages, Surrounded by other pickles, It becomes something pregnant women crave. And it craves them.

(Austin, cont.) I love you. Mmmmhmmmmm. Right. Okay. Talk to you again soon. Take care. Bye. (Marcy) What did she say? (Austin) “Austin, that’s nice.” (Marcy) And…? (Austin) And… (Marcy and Austin) “You’re kind of freaking me out.” (Marcy) I could have told you that. (Austin) I know. (Marcy) I did tell you that. (Austin) I know. (Marcy) And I could tell you what to do next…but I have to go. (Austin) Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah. I’m sorry I made fun of your coffee. You’re right. I’m wrong. You’re smart. I’m dumb. Please be my cupid. I’m hopeless, I’m stupid. I’m worthless, no, I am scum! (Marcy) And also you’re covered with coffee. (Austin) I know!

34

(Marcy) Stop flipping out. It’s all okay. This isn’t that tragic. I’ll help you. I’m magic. You just need to do what I say. (Austin) I cannot believe you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. (Marcy) I’ll call you tomorrow. (Austin) I am going to write you a thank you card like you’ve never read. (Marcy leaves Austin in the Coffee Shop as he begins to compose his thank you card) END OF SONG

35

ACT I, SCENE 7A — O’DENNEHEY’S BAR

36

(Marcy, Austin, Diana, and Jeff sit at the table) (Austin) Here’s to Jeff getting out of the hospital. (They all do shots) (Jeff) Man, I’m just glad that old lady’s free from that forklift. (Austin) Jeff, we all know what happened. (Jeff) Diana! (Diana) Here, take another painkiller. (Jeff) Okay! (Austin) So I have a draft of my new, improved, straight-from-the-heart, personal poem. (Marcy) All right, let’s hear it. (Austin) Life is like a… (Marcy) Stop. (Austin) I didn’t even get to the beautiful metaphor yet. (Marcy) No heartfelt poem ever began with “Life is like a.” You can’t just write universal, tired clichés. Look—what’s the funniest thing that ever happened to you two? (Austin) With Catherine everything was funny.

(Jeff) Oooh! Tell her about the dinner reservation.

37

(Austin) No. Okay. One time, we had a seven thirty dinner reservation, but the restaurant had us for seven fifteen. So we thought we were on time, but they thought we were late. Woo! (Marcy) Write about that. (Jeff) Hey! How about, “Roses are red. Violets are blue. Remember when you cheated on me? Blow me.” (Diana) Hey, wanna show me how to get high score on Ms. Pac Man? (Jeff) Awesome! (Diana and Jeff exit) (Austin) So…life is like a dinner reservation. (Marcy) You’re better off with the blow me poem. (Marcy and Austin exit) THE PERFECT ROMANCE—PART 1 (Danny as Waiter) She gives suggestions He’d rather skip. (Brigitte as Waitress) She left a fifty. (Waiter) He didn’t tip.

(Waiter and Waitress) His style’s truly tragic. Hers is tragically hip. The perfect romance.

38

(Waiter) He like things simple, (Waitress) But she’s complex. (Waiter) He follows structure, (Waitress) Which she rejects. He’s really only with her Cause he wants back his ex. The perfect romance. (Waiter) They couldn’t be less suited for each other. (Waitress) I completely agree, But don’t you see, That’s what makes them perfect For one another. (Waiter) She’ll try to teach him All that she knows. (Waitress) They’re good intentions. (Waiter) Oh, what are those? They’ll quickly all go bad But sadly that’s how it goes. (Waiter and Waitress) The perfect romance. END OF SONG ACT I, SCENE 7b — TRUE BREW COFFEE SHOP (Austin and Marcy are sitting at the table. Austin has just tasted a coffee to which Marcy added milk. A picture of Austin from the Coffee Shop is hanging nearby)

(Austin) 39 Thank you. So, I have a draft of the new and improved, straight from the heart, personal poem poem, and it does not begin with “Life is like a…” What are you looking at? Is that the picture from the day you threw coffee on me? (Marcy) Oh, you noticed? I brought it in here, and the owner said he wanted to hang it up. He admired the look of consternation. He said it was a modern day thinker. (Austin) Ohh, your first New York exhibition. (Marcy) And as I was hanging it up, another photographer saw it and asked me to join his “Young New York Artists Appreciating Other Artists” foundation. Ya know, YNYAAOAF? (Austin) Wow, that’s really great, Marcy, I’m proud of you. May I say I’m proud of you? (Marcy) You may. (Austin) I’m proud of you. (Marcy) Thank you. Now let’s hear what you got. (Austin) Okay, so I took your advice. Just start with her name and then say what I would actually say. (Marcy) Hit it. (Austin) Catherine. (Marcy) Right. Right. Right. (Austin) Howdy. (Marcy) Right. Right. Right. (Austin) Life is like a…

(Marcy) Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!

40

(Austin) But I didn’t get to the beautiful metaphor yet. (Marcy) You know what? They’re playing classic romantic films all night over at The Village East Theater. Let’s go there, and maybe it will give you some ideas of how to say something romantic without being all lame about it. (Austin) Great, I’ll call Moviefone and figure out which one we can catch. (Marcy) Let’s just figure it out when we get there. (Austin) No, no, no. I’ll call Moviefone. (Marcy) Let’s just let fate decide. (Austin) No, no, no. Moviefone. (Marcy) Fate. (Austin) Moviefone. (Marcy) Fate. (Austin) Moviefone. (Marcy) Fate! (Austin) Okay, fate… Psyche! Moviefone! (Austin and Marcy start to exit) THE PERFECT ROMANCE: PART 2 (Danny as Barista) He likes things structured.

(Brigitte as Baristress) She likes to roam. (Marcy) Fate! (Baristress) She tries new coffee. (Barista) His is from home. (Baristress) He’s never even heard of double skim with no foam. (Barista) Gasp! (Barista and Baristress) The perfect romance. END OF SONG ACT I, SCENE 7C — AUSTIN AND JEFF’S APARTMENT (Marcy sits on the couch. Austin paces. Marcy reads the letter Austin has written) (Marcy) Love, Austin. (Austin) Well? (Marcy) Perfect. (Austin) Really? (Marcy) Yeah…this actually has something to do with the person you wrote it about. It looks like draft number fourteen was the charm. (Austin) A poem poem? (Marcy) A poem poem. (Austin) Okay, so now what?

41

(Marcy) Address an envelope.

42

(Austin) I already did. (Marcy) Of course. (Austin slides the poem into the envelope) (Austin) Now what? (Marcy) Now wait four months. (Austin) What? (Marcy) Well, you broke up two months ago, didn’t you? (Austin) And three days. (Marcy) You always wait six months before you send out the “rekindle poem.” (Austin) That sounds an awful lot like a plan. (Marcy) No, no! It’s a rule. It’s very different than a plan. (Austin) Really. (Marcy) Yeah. (Austin) Listen, I just want to say thank you. Had it not been for you, I would’ve turned to Jeff. And instead of sending Catherine this poem, I would have used one of his good ideas. (Jeff enters from the other room) (Jeff) Hey! Sending Catherine porn was a good idea. I’m running downstairs to let Diana in. You two need anything?

(Austin) 43 No, thanks. (Jeff grabs the bills—and the envelope with the poem— off the table and runs downstairs) I just…I want you to know how much I appreciate it. I feel like I should have gotten you flowers or something. (Marcy) Oh, no, no, no. That’s not necessary, but daisies are my flower. I’m just glad I could help someone as pathetic and hopeless and helpless as you. (Austin) And I’m glad I could actually put up with your absolute nonsense approach to life long enough to get some good information out of you. (Marcy) Well, I guess this is it. You know all that you need to know. (Austin) Yeah, I guess so. (Marcy) I mean, we can still see each other but… (Austin) This will give you more time to focus on your YNYAAOAF. (Marcy) Oh, I dropped out of that club. (Austin) Why? (Marcy) I felt it was in violation of my anti-establishment, deconstructionist philosophy toward life. (Austin) Right. (A very angry landlord bounds in followed by Jeff and Diana) (Danny as Landlord) Mr. Bennet! Mr. Bennet, your rent is three weeks late! Again! You’ll have to excuse me if I don’t believe you that you just dropped it in the mailbox. (Austin) Jeff!

(Jeff) But I actually did this time. (Diana) I saw him do it if that helps at all. (Landlord) It doesn’t. (Jeff) I swear to you, I took everything off that table and put it in the mailbox across the street. (Austin) Woah, woah, woah, you did what? (Jeff) I sent the bills on the table (Austin) Y-y-you did what? (Jeff) I sent the bills on the table. (Austin) You did what? (Landlord) He sent the bills on the table! (Marcy) Jeff, was there a letter addressed to Catherine on the table? (Jeff) I don’t know, I just…AHH! I just sent some sort of horrible thing to Catherine! (Austin) You sent the poem! (Marcy) He sent the poem! (Jeff) I sent the poem! (Austin) You sent the poem!

44

(Brigitte as Neighbor enters) (Neighbor) Excuse me, could you please stop screaming? Some people are trying to sleep here! (Austin) Stop screaming?! You’re sleeping?! Do you know what I just did?! I followed idiot advice and sent a rekindle poem after only two months. (Neighbor) You totally should have waited six months. (Austin) I know! THE PERFECT ROMANCE: PART 3 (Landlord) Get him a whiskey. Quick! Double malt. (Neighbor) His wounds were bleeding. This just adds salt. (Neighbor and Landlord) If this goes wrong It’s clear that it’s completely her fault. The perfect romance. The perfect pair. (Landlord) One day they’re fed up, (Neighbor) The next day they care. (Neighbor and Landlord) We know it isn’t easy ‘Cause we both have been there. The perfect romance. The perfect romance. The perfect romance. END OF SONG

45

ACT I, SCENE 8 — AUSTIN AND JEFF’S APARTMENT

46

(Austin paces while on his cell phone) (Austin) U. S. Postal Service? Hi. This is Austin Bennet calling again. I didn’t know if you found that letter I called about yesterday. I understand you’re busy, but it’s kinda important. You see, I sent a rekindle poem after only two months and…I totally should have waited six months, I know! (Marcy knocks on the door) Come in. (Marcy) Hey. (Austin) Hey. (Marcy) Any word? (Austin) No. No mail yet today. (Marcy) Well, it’s only been a week, Austin. Give it time. You want to go grab a drink or something? (Austin) Sure. Let me just go change ties. (Austin exits. Jeff and Diana enter) (Jeff) Marcy! Diana, show her what I got you. (Diana) No, I really… (Jeff) Come on. Come on. Come on. (Diana pulls out an abacus) (Marcy) What is it?

(Jeff) An albatross!

47

(Diana) Abacus. (Jeff) Abacus! You know, actuary, math, abacus! And check it out. Check out the label on the side. My Little Pony! (Marcy) My Little Pony made an abacus? (Jeff) I know! Can you believe someone was throwing this away? (Marcy) No. (Jeff) I’m gonna toss it in my room, and you can teach me how to use it when we get home. (Diana) Hurry up, my work friends are waiting. (Jeff exits to his room) (Marcy) You’re taking him to meet your work friends? This is getting serious. (Diana) It’s not a big deal. Really. (Marcy) You’re taking him to meet your work friends. and it’s not a big deal really? (Diana) I’ve taken you to meet my work friends. (Marcy) You don’t see the difference? (Diana) No. (Takes mail out of her bag) Heeeey, Marcy, look. (Diana hands Marcy the mail) (Marcy) You went through their mail.

(Diana) Jeff threw it in my bag along with the albatross. Look, it’s from Catherine.

48

(Marcy) She wrote it on a postcard? (Diana) Not too subtle, that girl. (Marcy) Diana, this’ll crush him. Let’s hide it. (Diana) You can’t hide it. (Marcy) Let’s add, “P. S. You’re a really nice guy, and I never deserved you.” (Diana) Marcy, you have to tell him. (Marcy) How? (Diana) Take him out. Get him in as good a mood as possible. Hide all the sharp objects, and then break it to him gently. (Austin enters with a new tie on) (Austin) So you want to hit up O’Dennehey’s or what? (Marcy) You know what? I’m taking you out tonight to dinner and drinks, drinks, drinks. There’s a little Chinese restaurant up the street that you would love. (Austin) You can’t afford to take me out for dinner and drinks. (Marcy) They serve all the free wine you can drink. (Jeff rushes in from his room) (Jeff) Ooo, free wine! Can we come?

(Diana) We have plans. (Jeff) Can we go afterwards to the free wine? (Diana) We’re going to be out late with my friends. (Jeff) Can we bring your friends over to the free wine? (Diana) Let’s leave Austin and Marcy alone. Let’s go. (Jeff) But can we…I…but free wine! (Diana) We’ll stop by a wine tasting on the way. (Jeff) Okay, as long as there’s free wine, I’m happy as a lamb. (Diana) Clam. (Jeff) Clam! (Austin, Diana, Jeff, and Marcy exit)

49

ACT I, SCENE 9 — GREAT WALL CHINESE RESTAURANT

50

(Marcy and Austin sit at a table in the Great Wall Chinese Restaurant. Two boxes of wine sit on the table) (Austin) I love egg rolls. (Marcy) You want some more wine? (Austin) No, thanks. (Marcy) Come on. It’s fresh from the box. (Austin) I already had a few glasses. I’m fine. (Marcy) It’s free. It would be impractical not to drink as much as possible. (Austin) You make a point. Pour me a glass. (Marcy pours a very generous glass of wine for Austin. He takes a drink) (Marcy) Austin, I have something that I need to tell you. (Austin) This wine’s not too bad. (Danny as Waiter enters with Austin and Marcy’s meals) (Marcy) Today, when Diana came upstairs…

(Waiter) Szechwan tofu?

51

(Austin) That’s her. (Waiter gives the Szechwan tofu to Marcy) (Waiter) And beef and vegetable? (Austin) Right here. (Waiter gives the beef and vegetable to Austin and exits) Thank you. (Marcy) Thank you. Anyway, when Diana and I were in your living room… (Austin) This isn’t beef and broccoli. This is beef and snow peas. (Marcy) Is that even a dish? Get a new one. (Austin) Don’t worry about it. I’ll eat it. (Marcy) No, Austin, let’s worry about it. See, this is your problem. You let people run over you because you don’t want to seem impolite or take a chance. Here, like this. Excuse me, waiter! (Waiter enters) (Austin) Marcy, there is no need… (Waiter) Yes? (Marcy) Sir, my friend here ordered the beef and broccoli, but he received the beef and snow peas. (Waiter) I see. (Marcy) Can you bring us a new one?

(Austin) That’s not necessary. (Waiter) Well, ma’am, he already put his fork in it. (Austin) Yeah, I already put my fork in it. Don’t worry about it. (Marcy) What? (Waiter) Restaurant policy. Sorry. (Marcy) And there’s also a band-aid in it! (Austin and Waiter) What? (Marcy) There is a band-aid in this beef and snow peas that he didn’t order! (Waiter) Ma’am, please calm down. There’s no band-aid. (Marcy) That’s because he already swallowed it! Tell him you swallowed it. (Austin) I swallowed a band-aid? (Marcy) See, he swallowed it. (Waiter) Ma’am, he was saying it inquisitively. Like, “I swallowed a band-aid? I don’t remember that.” (Marcy) He has a speech impediment where everything he says sounds like a question. (Waiter) What? (Austin) I do?

52

(Marcy) 53 See! Now please, if you would get my friend here the beef and broccoli. Band-aid free if you don’t mind. (Brigitte as Manager enters) (Manager) What is going on over here? (Marcy) We got the wrong order, and then the waiter made fun of my friend’s speech impediment. It was all very upsetting. (Manager) I apologize. Give them what they ordered, and get back to work. What is wrong with you? (Manager and Waiter exit) (Marcy) See, like that. (Austin) Please don’t spit in it. (Marcy) Relax. Have some more wine. (Marcy pours Austin another generous glass of wine) So anyway, this afternoon, while you were changing ties… (Austin) Do you think they age boxed wine in cardboard casks? (Marcy) Diana came up, and she had something in her hand… (Austin) ’Cause I’ve carried wet cardboard before, and the bottom just falls right out. It’s true. I’m not lying. (Marcy) And she gave it to me, and I know it wasn’t for me but… (Waiter enters with a new beef and broccoli as well as the check) (Waiter) Here’s your beef and broccoli and your check. (Austin) Sir, I just want to take this time to tell you how much we appreciate you and how happy we are that you were our waiter. (Waiter) Yeah.

(Austin) He doesn’t seem like he wants us to stay.

54

(Marcy) Austin, I have to tell you this. (Austin) Hey, Marcy, he charged you twice. (Marcy) This is really important. (Austin) No, this is really important. He charged you for the beef and broccoli and the beef and snow peas. (Marcy) Don’t worry about it. I’m taking you out tonight. I’ll take care of it. (Austin) No, no, let’s worry about it. Being polite and letting people push me around is one thing. Call me old-fashioned, but I’ve always been taught that you stand up when a woman is getting screwed. Waiter! (Waiter enters) (Marcy) Austin, please. (Austin) Usually, I would just write a very strongly worded letter, but…watch this. (Waiter) Yes, sir. (Austin) There is a band-aid in my bill! (Waiter) Your speech impediment is cured. (Austin) You think this is funny? (Waiter) No.

(Austin) 55 What kind of a Chinese restaurant is this? You serve me the wrong thing! I swallow a band-aid! You try to take advantage of my very generous friend here! And you! You aren’t even Chinese! (Waiter) Sir, I am going to have to ask you to leave. (Austin) Why don’t you leave? (Waiter) Because I work here. (Austin) Isn’t that convenient? Well, I don’t need you, or your delicious egg rolls, or your beef and broccoli slash snow peas, and I certainly don’t need your stupid, cheap ass, rotgut, boxed wine! And I mean all of that. Except the part about the wine. (Grabbing the wine off the table) Go! Go! Go! (Austin and Marcy run for the door, chased by the Waiter.

ACT I, SCENE 10A — MARCY AND DIANA’S APARTMENT (Marcy and Austin fall in through the door laughing and giddy) BECAUSE OF YOU (Austin) That was Truly, really, wow. I let myself feel feelings I don’t usually allow. It felt exciting. It felt scary. None of my vocabulary Can do justice to the way I feel right now. Did you see the look on that guy’s face when I took the carafe with us? (Marcy) That’s not your wine! I’m an angry waiter! Mleh! (Austin) I took off and sprinted Straight through town. When you got screwed I didn’t take it sitting down. I did all sorts of things I wouldn’t usually do. And it’s all because of you. Because of you. Because of you. (Marcy) You just brought that restaurant To its knees. Now the whole world Knows that waiter’s not Chinese. I didn’t have to pay them For my Szechwan tofu. And it’s all because of you. Because of you. Because of you.

56

(Austin) Because of you, I acted out of line. (Marcy) Because of you We just stole some free boxed wine. (Austin) Because of you I acted bravely (Marcy) And a little infantile. (Austin and Marcy) Because of you I feel a way That I have not felt in a while. (Austin) I can’t believe that I got In a drunken fight. (Marcy) You stood up for me When it wasn’t polite. Tonight, I had a good time And that’s a little disconcerting. (Austin) Tonight, just for a moment I forgot that I was hurting. Tonight I felt free. (Marcy) You know, I sorta felt that too. (Austin) And it’s all because. (Marcy) It’s all because… END OF SONG (Marcy) Austin! (Austin) What? I was just…Sorry.

57

(Marcy) No. I have something I need to give you. (Marcy pulls out the postcard and hands it to Austin. Austin is obviously crushed) Maybe she just needs more time to figure things out. (Austin reads the postcard again, out loud)

58

(Austin) “Austin, I’ve moved on. Perhaps you should, too. Catherine.” What’s she gonna figure out? How to be more devastatingly concise? (Marcy) It is a bit harsh. (Austin) I’ve seen death threats more sensitive than this. How long have you had this? (Marcy) I wanted to give it to you, but I wanted to give it to you at the right time. (Austin) Oh, I see. You don’t want to give it to me when it was expected. You wanted to wait until you could really “feel” like you should give it to me. (Marcy) Austin, you need to calm down for a second. (Austin) You’re loving this. (Marcy) What? (Austin) Here’s this guy with his whole life planned out, which doesn’t fit into your whole antiestablishment, thing-a-ding theory, and now he’s crushed. You did this on purpose. (Marcy) Austin, you’re being ridiculous. (Austin) Am I? I followed your exact advice! I even wrote a…poem poem, and now everything’s ruined. (Marcy) Maybe this is for the best, and Jeff sending that poem was fate.

(Austin) 59 Maybe. Or maybe fate was too busy to intervene ’cause she was picking out a movie for you to see! (Marcy) So now it’s my fault. Okay, okay, you can’t move on in your life, and of course it’s my fault. You are so busy chasing a dream of a person that doesn’t even exist that you don’t see what’s going on around you. (Austin) What’s around me? You? You’re a flighty, flakey, liberal, artsy, fly by the seat of your pants, tofu loving, floozy. (Marcy) Well, that’s better than what’s around me, you tight-assed, stuffed-shirt, pencil-pushing, pussywhipped, pathetic Republican! (Austin and Marcy embrace and begin passionately making out. Diana and Jeff enter) ACT I, SCENE 10B — NEW YORK CITY WE’RE JUST FRIENDS (Diana) We go out in the evening, We catch a movie, dinner, too. We hang out with our buddies, The way two good friends do. We just say good night, And that’s all right, If that’s all right with you. Friendship’s where this ends, ’Cause we’re just friends. (Jeff) Who also make out. (Diana) Friends are like an old shirt, That always makes you smile. (Jeff) It makes you feel all fuzzy inside, But it gets dirty once in a while. (Diana) A friend does to you What you do unto them, Like Jesus recommends.

(Jeff and Diana) And we want to be good boys and girls, So that’s why we’re just friends… With benefits. (Diana) We each do our own thing, ’Cause we’re not dating, and that’s fine. (Jeff) But every couple of evenings, Our things will intertwine. (Diana) When you’re friends, I guess, (Jeff) A little caress (Diana) Or cunnilingus doesn’t cross the line. (Jeff) No! (Diana and Jeff) Friendship’s where this ends ’Cause we’re just friends. (Jeff) Who use chocolate syrup on each other in ways we never thought of before. (Diana) Sure! (Jeff) We’ll be honest when we’re in the bedroom. (Diana) I’ll tell you if you’re too fast or too slow. (Jeff) Thank you! People say this way doesn’t work. (Jeff and Diana) But I know that’s not so. (Jeff) If I suck, I wanna know!

60

(Diana and Jeff) We will keep this our little secret. Why explain what can’t be explained? We don’t need a defense, ’Cause this all makes perfect sense. In fact, it’d be stranger if we abstained. We won’t let this get weird (Jeff) I’ll stand hard. (Diana) I’ll stay resolved. (Jeff) I won’t take you for granted. (Diana). I won’t get emotionally involved. (Diana and Jeff) I have lots of friendships, but this one transcends All the ones in which I don’t get laid, And that’s why we’re just friends… With benefits. Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm And that’s why we’re just friends… (Diana) Who see each other naked! (Diana and Jeff) La, la, la, la, la, la, la, And that’s why we’re just friends, Just friends, Just friends, Just… (Diana and Jeff kiss) Friends! END OF SONG ACT I, SCENE 10C — MARCY AND DIANA’S APARTMENT (Diana and Jeff exit. Marcy and Austin enter) (Austin) So I’ll call you tomorrow?

61

(Marcy) Yeah, we’ll hang out soon.

62

(Austin) Okay. (Marcy) Okay. (Austin) Look, I had a really good time last night. (Marcy) Me, too. (Austin and Marcy share an awkward goodbye kiss) (Austin) Okay. Till tomorrow. (Marcy) Till tomorrow. (Austin exits) (Diana) Did I just see Austin… (Marcy) Yes. (Diana) Did you… (Marcy) Yes. (Diana) Are you okay? (Marcy) No. (Diana) What happened? (Marcy) I don’t know. I got him in a great mood. Broke the news to him. It wasn’t good. We got in a huge fight, and the next thing you know…blchahhh.

(Diana) You puked on him?

63

(Marcy) No, we did it. (Diana) The dam has broken. (Marcy) The worst of it is, Diana, I think I really like him. (Diana) Not good. (Marcy) No? (Diana) No! (Marcy) But Diana, if only you could have seen him last night. He wasn’t graceful. He wasn’t suave. He wasn’t even making a whole lot of sense. But he stood up for me. And after Larry, I…I don’t know, this is the first time I’ve ever felt like someone wanted to protect me. (Diana) Marcy, I’m sure he’s great, but that isn’t the point. You weren’t looking for Mr. Right, you were looking to get over Larry, and you can’t do that by jumping into another relationship two months after you break up with him. Trust me, if you do this now, this whole thing with Austin is going to blow up in your face. If you really like him, you still need to wait four more months. (Marcy) Come on, Diana. Here I am chastising him for living his life by a plan, and meanwhile, I’m following all these rules and numbers. Isn’t that just as bad? (Diana) Marcy. These rules exist for a reason. They don’t just come out of nowhere. If you want to forget about the rules, which is stupid, go ahead. If you want to ignore the numbers, even though they’re right, be my stupid, stupid guest. Look deep down and without any rules and regulations to guide you, look into your gut. Are you really ready to date again? (Marcy) No. Woah. You’re good. (Diana) Best friend.

(Marcy) I’m probably making a big deal out of nothing. I’m sure he feels exactly the same way I do. (Diana) I’m sure. (Marcy thinks for a moment and then changes the subject) (Marcy) So how are things with you and Jeff? (Diana) No, no, no, don’t you change the subject. This is about you and Austin. (Marcy) You like him. (Diana) Yeah, he’s a nice guy, but… (Marcy) No! You like him with a capital “L…la-la-la-la-la-la-la…” (Diana) Yeah, like I said, he’s a nice guy, but… (Marcy) Oooooooh, wild abandon! What happened to finding somebody you wouldn’t want to get involved with? (Diana) We’re not involved! (Marcy) And now you’re falling for someone as simple as Jeff. (Diana becomes quickly defensive) (Diana) Hey, he’s not simple. (Marcy) I’m sorry. (Diana sits on the couch with Marcy)

64

(Diana) Marcy, he got me a My Little Pony abacus. Out of the trash. (Marcy) Right. (Diana) So you slept with someone you shouldn’t have slept with, and I’m falling for someone I shouldn’t fall for. (Marcy) I’ll get the popcorn and wine. (Diana) I’ll get the Ben and Jerry’s Chubby Hubby. Meet back here in ten.

65

ACT I, SCENE 11 — AUSTIN AND JEFF’S APARTMENT

66

(Jeff is standing in his boxers Febreezing his pants on the couch) (Jeff) I am king of Febreeze Land. No pair of pants is a match for my awesome power! And where have you been? (Austin) Just walking around. (Jeff) Yeah? Where’d you sleep last night? (Austin) Marcy’s. (Jeff) D’you do her? (Austin) Yeah. (Jeff) Awesome! (Austin) You think so? (Jeff) Hell yes! For the past two months, you’ve been walking around here bitching and moaning about Catherine, and now finally it seems you’ve moved on. (Austin) I think I love her. (Jeff) Who? (Austin) Marcy.

(Jeff) Heh? Can’t you just screw the woman?

67

(Austin) Jeff, I feel everything I felt when I was with Catherine! (Jeff) No. I have been here before, and it’s very dangerous. You are putting five years of Catherine feelings onto Marcy. It’s called relationship displacement, RD, and it’s never good. (Austin) You’re the one who introduced me to Marcy as part of some idiotic plan that failed miserably. (Jeff) I made that up. I thought it would get you to move on. (Austin) Obviously I have moved on. I love Marcy. (Jeff) Austin, I am your big brother. I know that you think that Marcy is the answer to everything that went wrong with Catherine, but you barely know her. Maybe she’s great, but maybe she’s just messing with you. There’s no way to know. After what happened with Catherine, I just don’t want to see you get hurt again. I love you. (Austin) Put on your pants. (Jeff) Are you hungry? (Austin) No, I’m good. (Jeff) I’ll be in the kitchen. Now, practice saying to yourself you don’t love her. (Jeff exits to the kitchen) (Austin) I don’t love her. I don’t love her. I don’t love her. I don’t love her… MAYBE WE JUST MADE LOVE (Austin) I can’t let my romantic side get the better of me. We’re just friends, who really like one another. We just happened to end up doing what two really good friends do. Like a crossword, Or a puzzle, Or each other.

(Austin, cont.) Things aren’t any different now Than they ever were before. This doesn’t mean, It couldn’t mean, Anything more. After Catherine I never thought I could feel this way again. She was my one and only, And of those there can be only one. But then what do I make of Catherine Who forgets what we had back then? I was her one and only, But now, it’s ended. It’s over. It’s done. Maybe I’m stupid To hold on now to this ideal. And maybe I’m crazy To feel the things that I now feel. But maybe with Marcy, I’ve found something real. And maybe, maybe, maybe, Maybe we just made love. That can’t be right. There’s no way I could’ve recovered so fast. She must just be a rebound. Even Jeff said so, and he’s right. I’m just setting myself up yet again, For a flawed romance that’ll never last. This will never work out. But what do I know? Who knows? It might. Maybe I’m foolish and Deserve the pain that all this brings. And maybe she’s using me, And I’m imagining all these things. Or maybe it’s a puppet show, And I’m failing to see all the strings. But maybe, maybe, maybe, Maybe we just made love. How can a feeling this strong be wrong? It can’t. Emotion this pure must be right.

68

(Austin, cont.) How can ignoring my gut be the best thing to do? It can’t. I need her, and I’m gonna tell her so tonight. Maybe I’m risking my whole life And can’t see what’s at stake Or maybe I’m reckless And we’re running right toward more heartache. Maybe I’m wrong, and we just made a huge mistake. But maybe, maybe, maybe, I’m definitely positive, That maybe, maybe, maybe, Yes, I’ve never been more certain That maybe, maybe, maybe, Maybe we just made love. We just made love. We just made love. We just made love. END OF SONG

69

ACT I, SCENE 16 — A PARK

70

(Austin sets up a picnic blanket. He has a basket. Marcy enters) (Marcy) Austin. (Austin) Marcy. (Marcy) Are you okay? (Austin) Never better. Euphoric! Awesome! Boo yah! (Marcy) What is wrong with you? (Austin) Come here, come here, sit down. (They sit on the blanket) Marcy, last night was absolutely amazing, and I don’t know how you felt about it, or the past two months for that matter. But for me it has been amazing. I just said amazing twice. At first, you were nothing at all like anyone I would even remotely want to spend even a little bit of time with. But then as you’ve been helping me win back Catherine, something happened, and somewhere during the poem lessons, and the arguing, and everything else, I lost control. I don’t usually like to lose control, Marcy, but I did, and I didn’t even realize it until last night. And last night…ugh…amazing. And Marcy to be perfectly honest with you…I…I…got you daisies. (He pulls them out of the picnic basket) JUST NOT NOW (Marcy) Stop there Austin. Hold it. Freeze. Give me a second. Would you, please? You said a lot there. And I’m just not there. I need to think. Your honesty is real and it appeals to my emotions. Which is great, but I’m sure Now’s not the time for Romantic notions. (Austin) But Marcy, you don’t understand. I love you.

(Marcy) I want true love some day, But just not now. A picket fence cliché, But just not now. How can I make you see Though this feels right to me Now’s not the time to be Quite where you are? You’re here too soon And though I know it sounds unfair, If you would wait for me, I swear, I’ll meet you there. I need some time to heal. And though your love seems real, I’m not prepared to feel The way you do. Let’s take this time, We’ll wait it out, Or else we’ll crash and burn. I’m lost, and I don’t know What true love’s all about. Please give me time to learn. I want so much to say, “Okay, I love you, too.” I will, but not today. You know. I know you do. And though it’s hard, you must Control your heart and trust, I want to be with you Just not now. END OF SONG (Austin begins to pack up) (Marcy) Austin, say something. (Austin) Not now. And not ever again. (Marcy) Where are you going? (Austin) Home.

71

(Austin reluctantly walks toward home. He walks to his door and light pours out. Austin looks in, confused) (Austin) Catherine? END OF ACT I

72

ACT II ACT II, SCENE 1 — OUTSIDE OF O’DENNEHEY’S (Marcy walks alone on a New York City street) ALONE (Marcy) Just not now? Then when? When will I get to see him again? Is it just that he’s gone, And I’m forced to be without him, That makes it so I can’t stop thinking about him? (Brigitte as Cocktail Waitress comes out of her bar and yells back inside) (Cocktail Waitress) No, you are! Hey, I’ll wait for you out here. (Cocktail Waitress almost steps on Marcy) I’m sorry. You okay? (Marcy) I’ve been better. (Cocktail Waitress) Oh yeah sure. You were in my bar a few months ago. (Marcy) You remember that? (Cocktail Waitress) The people of New York pretend to ignore each other. You’d be surprised how much we see. Remember that night when I met you When you both hung out here in the bar. I said to my friend there, “I bet you Those two they won’t make it too far.” He could have discussed any topic. He could have chosen baseball, football, croquet. So why’d he have to choose her? What a lame pathetic loser. You don’t need him anyway.

73

(Cocktail Waitress, cont.) Alone, You are better off. Trust me it’s true. You don’t need him there To always care About every little thing that you do. Alone, Means that your life plans Aren’t always set in stone. Trust me, You’re better off alone. Right? (Marcy) Sure…Yeah. (Danny as Bartender exits from the bar and approaches Cocktail Waitress) (Bartender) No, you are! You ready to go? (Cocktail Waitress) This is my friend… (Marcy) Marcy. (Cocktail Waitress) Marcy is rediscovering single-hood. (Bartender) Oh, welcome back. Maybe one night you were thinking, “I’ll stay in and give Nietzsche a stab. Then again I could just go out drinking ’Til I puke in the back of a cab.” (Marcy) He would say, “Marcy, that’s stupid.” You are better than that.” (Bartender) But hey, Now his opinion doesn’t matter. Go ahead and do the latter. You don’t need him anyway.

74

(Bartender and Cocktail Waitress) Alone, You do what you want Never what he wants instead. (Marcy) Not up each night In a stupid fight, When the two of us should both be in bed. (Bartender and Cocktail Waitress) Alone, Means you never swoon At the smell of his cologne. (Marcy) ’Cause that’s just stupid. (Bartender and Cocktail Waitress) You’re better off alone. (Cocktail Waitress) Right? (Marcy) Yeah, stupid Old Spice. (Cocktail Waitress) We should get going. (Marcy) Thanks for the advice. (Bartender) We work at a bar. We’re basically therapists who encourage you to drink. Good night. (Bartender and Cocktail Waitress head home) (Marcy) One day I might land a meeting With a man who takes photos in France. I don’t need someone begging and pleading, “Honey stay and give our love a chance.” I’ll go wherever I want to. I won’t stay where I don’t want to stay. I’ll leave tomorrow or whenever And I might just stay forever,

75

(Marcy, cont.) I don’t need him anyway. Alone, Means I’ll never be So blinded by romance. I can act on a whim, Not have to check with him, Like, six or seven months in advance. Alone, Means you’re never hurt. That is what this night has shown. I think it’s clear to see I’m better off alone. (A couple walks onstage. The Man sticks out his hand and feels the first drops of rain. He extends his umbrella and puts it over his girlfriend. They exit together) I need him anyway, More than any man I’ve ever known. Feeling hurt with him Is better Than feeling free Alone. END OF SONG

76

ACT II, SCENE 2A — AUSTIN AND JEFF’S APARTMENT

77

(Diana and Jeff sit in Austin and Jeff’s Apartment. Diana is rubbing BenGay on Jeff’s back. Jeff is playing with the abacus) (Jeff) Ah, just a little lower. Yeah, right there. (There is a knock on the door) Oooo…Eeee…Yeeeaaah… (Austin) Come in! (Austin runs from his room. Takeout Guy enters) (Danny as Takeout Guy) You! You and your girlfriend stole my wine. (Austin) She’s not my girlfriend. (Takeout Guy) Oh man, you had sex with her once and then you told her you loved her, didn’t you? (Austin) How much are the egg rolls? (Takeout Guy) Six forty-two. (Austin) I have exact change in the kitchen. (Takeout Guy) Of course you do. (Austin) Come on. (Takeout Guy and Austin exit to the kitchen) (Jeff) All right, give me another one. (Diana) Jeff, you’ve been doing this all night. Give yourself a rest.

(Jeff) No, no, no. I want to. (Diana) Okay, okay. Twenty-two times four. (Jeff calculates on the abacus) (Jeff) Eighty-eight. (Diana) Getting faster. (Jeff) I have a good teacher. (Diana) I might even go so far as to say you’re awesome. (Jeff) Awesome. (Diana) Awesome. Jeff? (Jeff) Yeah? (Diana) Jeff. (Jeff) Yeah. (Diana) Jeff, I…well, it’s just that…I mean… (Jeff) C’mon, stick it out. (Diana) Spit it out. (Jeff) Spit it out. (Diana) I think that we should be exclusive.

78

(Jeff) Put it back in! Put it back in! (Diana) Jeff, I’m serious. (Jeff) Why’d you have to go and do that? (Diana) Do what? (Jeff) Talk about it. (Diana) Well, I think it’s important that we… (Jeff) Don’t talk about it. (Diana) But don’t you think that we… (Jeff) Don’t talk about it. (Diana) But what about… (Jeff) For the love of God, don’t talk about it! (Diana) I want to talk about it! THAT'S WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN (Jeff) Look, The two of us will start off caring All about this life we’re sharing. You and I Will be high Upon the fumes of lu-uu-uve. You’ll laugh at my jokes. We’ll be as sweet as two Cherry Cokes. And that’s, that’s what’s gonna happen. (Diana) Sounds wonderful.

79

(Jeff) Then I’ll take you out to dinner, All the while my wallet’s thinner. And I’ll yell, “Where the hell Did all my money go-oh-oh? But I’ll put off everything, So I can save for a three carat ring. And that’s, that’s what’s gonna happen. (Diana) I don’t care about stuff like that. (Jeff) And I’ll be sure That’s what I’m for, ‘Cause you bring me a joy you can’t buy or sell. But one night, you’ll ask, “Do you still love me? ’Cause sometimes I can’t quite tell.” (Diana) Now how do you know? (Jeff) So then I’m caught in this quandary, ’Cause I touch your dirty laundry. But that stuff Is not enough For you to know I ca-a-are. Inside I’ll blow like a bomb. But outside, outside I’ll stay calm. And that’s, that’s what’s gonna happen. (Austin and Takeout Guy enter from kitchen) (Diana) Well, maybe if you opened up more… (Austin and Takeout Guy) But then one fateful day (Jeff) Hey guys! (Austin and Takeout Guy) He’ll try to walk away, (Jeff) That’s right!

80

(Austin and Takeout Guy) Despite… (Jeff) My misgivings, (Austin) Second thoughts (Takeout Guy) And fears. (Austin and Takeout Guy) And he’ll claim, (Jeff) “It’s me, not you.” (Takeout Guy) Though we all know that that’s not true. (Austin) Ooo. (Jeff) Then you’ll look at me and burst into tears. To your… (Jeff, Austin, and Takeout Guy) Surprise! (Jeff) I’ll stop and listen. ’Cause no guy Wants to make a girl cry. (Austin) Boo! (Takeout Guy) Hoo! (Jeff) But then you’ll cry every day. I’ll pretend it ’Tsa a phase. And then I’ll freak out And end it.

81

(Austin and Takeout Guy) Aww! (Jeff) Sadly that is how this all ends. (Austin and Takeout Guy) Oh! (Jeff) You will go and tell all your friends. I must be gay To walk away From a perfect girl like you. Now your friends all hate me too. But I just did what all men do. (Austin and Takeout Guy) That’s true. (Jeff) And that’s, that’s what’s gonna happen. (Takeout Guy) It’ll screw everything up! (Jeff) Now I’m broke and feel betrayed. (Austin and Takeout Guy) And he’s not even getting laid. (Jeff) That sucks. And that’s, that’s what’s gonna happen. (Austin) Come on Jeff, bring us home! (Jeff) I know our relationship’s elusive, But it is better than being exclusive. (Jeff, Austin, and Takeout Guy) And that’s, That’s what’s gonna happen. Gonna happen, yeah! END OF SONG

82

(Diana) You’re pathetic. (Jeff) I was just trying to be honest. (Diana exits) I knew you didn’t want to talk about it. (Austin slowly approaches Jeff) (Austin) Well, that could have gone better. (Jeff) What do you mean? (Austin) The fight? (Jeff) Don’t talk about it. Listen, could you rub this on my back? (Takeout Guy) Woah, woah, woah. (Austin) (To Takeout Guy) No, we’re brothers. (Takeout Guy) I’m outta here, Captain Egg Roll. (Takeout Guy exits) (Jeff) That Chinese food guy freaks me out. (Austin) Jeff, I wanted to tell you something earlier, but Diana was here. (Jeff) What? (Austin) I told Marcy I love her. (Jeff) Ooooooh! (Austin) She told me she wasn’t ready for that.

83

(Jeff) Aaaaaaah.

84

(Austin) I came back here, and Catherine was waiting in the apartment. Catherine told me that when I called her a few months ago, she knew that we weren’t supposed to be together. And then when she got that poem, she was sure we weren’t supposed to be together. But then, last night, she woke up in the middle of the night, overcome with her love toward me. (Jeff) Ha! The sick sense! (Austin) She wants to start our lives all over again. Look for apartments upstate. Back on track. (Jeff) Man, she just offered you the life you always wanted. Thank God you realized that she is a complete jack monkey who cheats on you, and you sent her off into the night. (Austin) She didn’t let me answer. She just kissed me and told me to think about it. (Jeff) Well, don’t you just see how that proves her complete and utter jack monkeyness? How can you trust anyone who places ridiculous demands on you? (Austin) You just asked me to rub Ben Gay on your back. (Jeff) Oh, so that’s all it takes? One little kiss, and you forget everything she did to you? Well, if that’s all it takes to get you to change your mind, then I’ll kiss you, big boy! Come here! (Jeff jumps on the couch and tries to kiss Austin) ACT II, SCENE 2B — AUSTIN AND JEFF’S APARTMENT (Marcy) (Entering) May I come in? Or… (Jeff and Austin freeze) (Jeff) Austin had a bee in his mouth, and I was going to suck it out…I’ll be in my room. (Jeff exits to his room. Marcy paces around the apartment, unsure of what to say) (Austin) Well, this has been fun. Maybe you could leave now. (Marcy) I came to apologize.

(Austin) Apology accepted. Please leave. (Marcy) Wait. Let me speak. Don’t say a word until I’m done. (Austin) Two minutes. EVEN THOUGH (Marcy) When you first told me that you loved me, I was more than just a little bit surprised. But then you left And I realized There was something about you, Something, so that I couldn’t live without you. And even though you’re just a little bit pretentious, Even though you’re more traditional than my dad, Even though, You drove me crazy from hello, You touch a part of me I didn’t even know I had. And so, I need to say I want you anyway, I want you anyway. Even though, This might not be the perfect way to tell you. But perfection never was what I did best. Two months ago I never would have guessed That I’d compare to you know who But now I know I belong with you. And even though I think your way of life is different. Even though there’s not a single thing we share, Even though, You’re not like anyone I know, You take me to a place I didn’t even know was there. And so, I need to say I choose you anyway, I choose you anyway, Even though, The night when I first met you, you were freakish. Now look at us, we both have come so far. You’re not different. I’m not different.

85

(Marcy, cont.) But it’s all together different. ’Cause I love you in spite of who you are. And even though You’re so much paler than my dream man. Even though, You’re such a dork, And I don’t feel the way I should, Even though, I should stop, well, here I go. I love you in a way I didn’t even know I could. And so, I need to say, “I love you anyway, I love you anyway, Even though.” END OF SONG (Austin) You love me anyway? In spite of who I am and all my shortcomings, you love me anyway? Thank you for compromising all that you want in choosing me instead. (Marcy) Austin. (Austin) Marcy, Catherine’s taking me back. (Marcy) Austin! (Austin) I want to thank you for everything you’ve done. Good night.

86

ACT II, SCENE 3 — NEW YORK CITY

87

BUT I DO (Diana) He hurt me hard. He won’t commit. He doesn’t believe in Love, not even A little bit. I’m questioning the things I thought I knew to be true. I don’t know why I love him, But I do. (Marcy) I wanted him, ’Cause he was wrong. I’m not certain how, But with him now Is where I belong. He’s an idiot and a stuffed shirt and a Republican too. I don’t know why I love him, But I do. (Jeff) She’s like every woman I’ve ever met Who says casual’s okay, But they don’t mean what they say. There’s nothing special about her. What does she look like? I forget. I’m certain I’m better off without her. I don’t need her anyway. (Marcy) I wanted him. ’Cause he was wrong. I’m not certain how. But with him now Is where I belong

(Austin) Found my love from before. Then she knocks at my door, With a pout And teary eyes That work on weaker men. I tried to keep my feelings

(Marcy, cont.) I don’t know why I love him, But I do. (Diana and Marcy) Why, as soon as you’re comfortable,

(Austin, cont.) from bubbling up again. I don’t need her anyway.

(Austin and Jeff) As soon as you know where you stand,

You know who you are, You’ve figured it out,

You’re sure of your ways, You feel solid and strong, Then someone comes in And shows you that you’re Wrong. Why can’t I explain

You’ve got the whole world In the palm of your hand. You’re sure of your ways. You feel solid and strong. Then someone comes in And shows you that you’re Wrong. (Austin) She’s only a woman.

This aching pain? (Jeff) There’ll be other women. (Diana) I’m barely surviving.

(Austin) I’m barely surviving.

(Diana and Marcy) Why is he driving me insane?

(Austin and Jeff) Why is she driving me insane?

(Diana) All that I know Says I should leave him, And go find someone new.

(Jeff) I don’t need that woman. All that I know Says I should leave her And go find someone new.

(Diana and Marcy) I don’t know why I love him. (Austin and Jeff) I don’t need her anyway. (Diana) But I do. (Jeff) But I do.

88

(Marcy) But I do. (Austin stands alone contemplating his feelings)

89

ACT II, SCENE 4 — O’DENNEHEY’S BAR (Brigitte as Cocktail Waitress) Slow night. (Danny as Bartender) Slow night. You want a beer? (Cocktail Waitress) Yeah. Take it out of my tips. (Bartender) If I take it out of your tips, you’ll have a dollar left. (Cocktail Waitress) Slow night! (Bartender) Slow night. (Cocktail Waitress) I’ll give you three seconds before the “heartbreak crowd” comes in. (Bartender) You’re on. Three. Two. (Marcy and Diana enter) (Diana) Back to the scene of the crime. We met them here, we’ll forget them here. (Cocktail Waitress) Hey, Marcy. How’s singlehood treating you? (Marcy) Two shots of tequila please. (Cocktail Waitress) That well, huh? (Marcy) Worse. This is my friend, Diana. Similar situation.

90

(Cocktail Waitress) You’ve come to the right place. (Bartender) Here. We see romance, passion ignite, and embers fade all in the same night. Here’s to the sorry bastards who try to fall in love in New York. (They all shoot their Tequila) (Diana) You guys see it all from back here, huh? (Cocktail Waitress) See it? Honey, we live it right there with you. WHAT DO WE DO IT FOR (Cocktail Waitress) Somewhere there are birds Singing sweet lovely songs. And a guy tells a girl in her arms he belongs. People say, “You’ll find the one, If you just look, we guarantee.” Well, I’ve looked and looked and looked and looked, But there’s no one for me. (Bartender) Don’t I know it. I’ve searched this whole island, Queens and Brooklyn, Even Hoboken. But for some of us Our only true guarantee Is that our hearts get bro-o-o-o-ken-ennn. (Marcy) Jersey? (Bartender) I got on the wrong train! Back in the first grade, I knew this girl. There was some magic In the notes that we passed. One day while playing in the sand I made a move to hold her hand. She said, “I think that things are moving too fast.”

91

(Diana) Tease. (Cocktail Waitress) One time in high school I had a crush. So I thought I’d ask him out to the prom. But he said, “Ya know what honey, Though you’re charming And you’re funny, I love you the way a boy loves his mom.” (Marcy) That’s not good. (Bartender and Cocktail Waitress) Oh, why do we do it, Continue to pursue it, When it ends up hurting us to the core? (Cocktail Waitress) It’s because though it sounds corny, You feel love, (Bartender) Or you feel horny. (Bartender and Cocktail Waitress) What do we do it for? (Marcy) But at least it got easier as we get older. (Marcy and Diana) Right? (Bartender) Right. I had this good friend that I loved for years. One day I thought, “This situation must end.” So I said, “I love you truly.” And she responded coolly, “I love you, too, but just as a friend.” (Diana) Don’t be friends!

92

(Cocktail Waitress) I met this great guy right here at this bar. And we talked and talked and talked about life. Then he said, “My god you’re pretty, And you’re interesting, And you’re witty. You know, you remind me a lot of my wife.” (Bartender) Sing it girls. (All) Why do we do it? There must be something to it, That keeps us coming right back for more. (Marcy) This thing love, it keeps me guessing. (Diana) This is getting damn depressing. (All) What do we do it for? (Cocktail Waitress) We try and try and try. It’s as if the gods up in the sky hate us. (Diana) Sing, child. (Bartender) It’s now so bad that I Am going on a dating hiatus. (Cocktail Waitress) Ooo hoo I hear you. (Diana) I think there is a curse. (Marcy) You know, I’m certain of it because, (Cocktail Waitress) Testify. (Marcy) Just when it can’t get worse.

93

(Marcy, cont.) Lookie here! (Diana) Oh God! (All) It does. (Bartender) I’ll wait here Alone at this bar. With each drink it’s more depressing and sad. (Cocktail Waitress) Maybe I should give up dating ’Cause I feel like I’m just waiting For a guy to say, “You look like my dad.” (Marcy) Oh! (Bartender) Oh! (Diana) Oh! (All) We keep at it, Even though we’ve had it, And the signs are getting hard to ignore. (Marcy) They’re all saying, “Ha, ha, got you. (Diana) Love’s for people who are not you.” (All) What do we do it for? (Bartender) You ladies want another round? (Diana) Sure.

94

(Bartender) Okay, we’ll just take it out of her tips. (Pours another round of shots) Yes, but then again You just never know. In a moment he might walk through that door. (Marcy) Then he’d stop my heart from sinking. (Diana) And my head from over thinking. (Bartender and Cocktail Waitress) That’s what we do it for. (All) That’s why we do it, Why we put our poor selves through it. That’s what we do it… For! (Diana) Marcy. (Marcy) Let’s go. (Marcy and Diana run out. Cocktail Waitress and Bartender acknowledge what they have just done on the button. Music comes back in for a tag) (Bartender and Cocktail Waitress) That’s why we do it ’Cause those lovers almost blew it. That’s what we do it… (Clink glasses, take shot, slam down glasses) For! (Bartender) Last call! (Cocktail Waitress) Who’s next? END OF SONG

95

ACT II, SCENE 5A — AUSTIN AND JEFF’S APARTMENT (Jeff sits on the couch playing with the abacus by himself, a bit teary eyed. Marcy and Diana knock, then come in the room) (Marcy) Jeff, is Austin here? (Jeff) He’s down at the coffee shop. (Marcy) I’ll see you later. (Marcy exits) (Diana) Hey. (Jeff) Hi. (Diana) You okay? (Jeff) Oh…yeah, I was just cleaning my contacts…while they were still in my eyes. (Diana) Jeff, look, I know we had our little arrangement, and I sorta broke the rules. But sometimes the rules don’t match what you feel. And I couldn’t just ignore it any longer, and pretend that you didn’t mean something more to me than just a friend. Maybe you’re right, that this won’t be perfect all the time. It won’t always be easy. But isn’t that kinda the point? (Jeff) It’s just that every time I’ve gotten my ducks in a line… (Diana) Row. (Jeff) Row, this happens. And I get pushed back right where I started.

96

(Diana) Jeff, I love you.

97

(Jeff) Diana, it’s been a really long time since I’ve said that. (Diana) I understand. (Jeff) But… (Austin storms in the door) (Austin) Jeff! Diana! I need to talk to somebody! (Diana) What happened? Why aren’t you with Marcy? (Austin) I was at the coffee shop with Catherine, putting out life back on track when she asked me how I took my coffee. (Jeff) And? (Austin) We’ve been together five years, and she doesn’t know how I take my coffee? And Marcy…we had a thing with coffee. (Jeff) You had a thing with coffee? (Austin) I’ve built this life with Catherine, and it’s everything I’ve always wanted. And it’s all laid out waiting for me. I have to call her. (Diana) Who? (Austin) Catherine. Marcy. Both! Maybe we can do a conference call and figure it out together. (Diana) Austin, sit down.

MARCY'S YOURS (Diana) I know you’re hurt. And right now you want to do what comes easy, And not risk what seems secure. You can insert Catherine right into your ideal life. But is that what you’re looking for? Easy might be easy. But you want more. We all need someone Who makes us question what we know. They’ll stretch your limits, If you don’t stretch, you’ll never grow. We all need someone who can open up new doors. Jeff is mine. Marcy’s yours. (Jeff) When we first met, I just wanted to get in her pants. But after a while, I still wanted to get into her pants. But then I got in her pants And I wondered, “What if I gave this a chance?” Nothing could have prepared me For the way I felt, The way it scared me. We all need someone Who will see that we’re bizarre, And love us anyway, ’Cause they see who we really are. I was lost in a canoe, I needed someone I love to bring me oars. Diana’s mine. Marcy’s yours. (Diana) What did you just say? (Jeff) It was just a stupid metaphor. (Diana) No, you said you love me.

98

(Jeff) I did! You’re the person I want to be better for. (Diana) You better have meant it, and it better not be just an accidental blunder. (Jeff) Bull! I meant it. (Diana) You did? (Jeff) And it feels wonderful. (Diana) We all need someone (Diana and Jeff) Who admits that we’re odd, And loves us anyway ’cause they see through our façade. (Diana) You finally feel as though You’ve got your ducks all in a—line. (Jeff) They’re wrong for you, even so, Their voice sends shivers down your spine. (Diana and Jeff) You try to keep them out, but they know To look through the tarnish, right to the shine. (Diana) Jeff, (Jeff) Diana, (Diana and Jeff) I’m yours. (Austin) Marcy’s mine. (Jeff) Diana, I have to tell you something. I’m not Jewish.

99

(Austin) Thanks guys. (Diana and Jeff exit) END OF SONG ACT II, SCENE 5B — AUSTIN AND JEFF’S APARTMENT GOODBYE (Austin) Marcy, Marcy’s mine. And I’m hers. And it’s true She isn’t perfect, And that’s fine. But what happens now To the life I thought I knew? I had my whole life planned out. There was no surprise to speak of. I knew without a doubt What life was all about. But now I’m caught because I’m choosing Between the life I may be losing And Marcy who I love. I try to stay the course. I think of Marcy, and I wander. There’s this pulling, aching force And I’m certain of the source. At first I did my best to completely destroy it. Now I’m starting to enjoy it. Is this goodbye to knowing my next move? Goodbye to knowing where I stand? This change isn’t small. Do I go back on all I have planned? And say, “Hello” to uncertain mornings. Just awake and take it from there? But I may regret This choice ’cause I’m reeling. It’s too much to bet On a whim That I’m feeling. Too much is resting on my Saying, “Goodbye.”

100

(Austin, cont.) But then there’s Marcy, Who sees who I am, And still has the nerve to care. I know that Marcy Won’t give a damn If I plan my life out Or leave it up to chance Or setup shop on the moon. She’ll love me anyway. So I say, “Goodbye” To my expectations. “Goodbye” To everything I know. No rules to obey So I’ll wake every day and I’ll go Full steam into who knows what? Who cares? As long as Marcy’s by my side. I used to just do What was planned and prepared. I wouldn’t trust chance, Because I was too scared. But Marcy is my reason Now to try. So to who I used to be And the life I thought I wanted. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye! END OF SONG

101

ACT II, SCENE 6 — TRUE BREW COFFEE SHOP

102

(Austin sits at the table. Danny as Barista and Brigitte as Baristress bring him two cups of coffee) (Austin) Thank you. (Jeff enters) (Jeff) Austin! She’s coming! (Austin) No, no, no. I need five more minutes. (Jeff) I couldn’t stall her anymore. I already pretended I had a kidney stone. Twice. (Marcy and Diana enter) (Marcy) Diana, I already checked down here, and he wasn’t here. It’s probably fate. (Diana) Then what’s this? (Marcy) Austin. (Austin) Marcy. (Marcy) I’ve been looking for you. (Austin) I’ve been waiting for you. (Marcy) Look, I know that you’re with Catherine now and if that’s what makes you happy…then okay. I just couldn’t leave it the way we… (Austin) Hey, look, I got coffee. (Marcy) I see.

(Austin) I got one black and the other one I told the…barista…to serve me whatever he wants. (Marcy) Which is which? (Austin) I don’t know. I was hoping we could figure that out together. (Jeff) Oooooh, tell her about the poem. (Austin) No, no, no. (Marcy) What poem? (Austin) It’s not done. (Marcy) You wrote a poem? (Austin) Nope, it’s not done. (Marcy) Read me your poem. (Austin) Not done. (Marcy) Improvise something. I LOVE YOU BECAUSE (Austin) Marcy, look at you. You make decisions Without thinking twice. In fact, barely once. Marcy, look at you. You go see a show without checking the listings. You join a new club each day, And the next day change your mind. That once drove me crazy That that’s who you were.

103

(Austin, cont.) But that’s who you are. I love you because You’re not the person I dreamed of at all. I love you because You make me feel like a fool. You don’t do what’s expected. You’re handed a rule, And it’s quickly rejected. And it’s easy to say, “I love you anyway.” But I don’t. I love you because. (Marcy) That doesn’t sound very universal. (Austin) It’s supposed to be personal. It’s a poem poem. (Marcy) Austin, look at you. With your big goofy smile, And freshly pressed shirt, And constant tie. Austin, look at you. You want what is quiet and structured and normal. I tried to say that’s okay, But it all came out all wrong. It would have gone better, If only I said What you just said to me. I love you because You’re not the person I dreamed of at all. I love you because You have too many reasons behind Your every move and decision. You make up your mind With routine and precision. And it’s easy to say, “I love you anyway.” But I don’t. I love you because.

104

(Austin) People will call us insane, Insane to love someone who’s so clearly wrong, But now it seems that wrong Is the right way to go. (Marcy) People will say that we’re crazy. Crazy to fall for each other but But then again, what do they know? (Austin and Marcy) I pushed you away, you weren’t at all The person I wanted to answer my call. The things I used to question I’m seeing anew. (Marcy) I wanted someone like me. (Jeff) Who wouldn’t ask hard questions. (Diana) Who’d share all my thoughts. (Austin) Who’d share all my fears. (Marcy, Austin, Diana, and Jeff) Now all I want Is to be here with you. (All) I love you because You’re not the person I dreamed of at all. I love you because You push me in a direction That I thought was closed. You’re the answer to a question That I never posed. And it’s easy to say, “I love you anyway.” (Marcy) But I won’t say, “I love you anyway.”

105

(Austin) And I’ll never say, (All) “I love you anyway.” (Austin, Diana, Jeff, and Marcy) ’Cause I don’t. I love you because. END OF SONG END OF SHOW

106