Hypnotic Language eBook

The Top 10 Tips for Using Hypnotic Language

By Jamie Smart

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Contents Tip 1 - How To Get Your Message Heard..................................... 3 Tip 2 - How to Really Speak Their Language................................ 6 Tip 3 - Learn To Use Your Most Powerful Tool.............................. 9 Tip 4 - Getting Rapport on The Phone....................................... 11 Tip 5 - How To Build Vocal Flexibility ....................................... 13 Tip 6 - You Can Quote Me on This............................................ 15 Tip 8 - The Positive Thing About Negative Talk........................... 20 Tip 9 - The Ultimate Covert Communication Technique................ 22 Tip 10 - Embedded Commands for Covert Influence.................... 24 More Information................................................................... 27 Free Stuff............................................................................. 30 About the Author................................................................... 31 Acknowledgements................................................................ 31

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Tip 1 - How To Get Your Message Heard We live in a busy world, and there are thousands of messages vying for people’s mental bandwidth each day. There is more and more competition for each person’s attention, so you may be wondering how you can increase the odds that the messages you send will reach their targets. In last week’s tip, we looked at ways to use the natural phenomenon of rapport to meet people at their model of the world through our behaviour. This week we will discuss the meta-pattern of pacing and leading to explore how you can meet people at their map of the world with language, before leading them somewhere else. Meet them at their map of the world St Francis of Assisi spoke of seeking to understand before seeking to be understood. A technique used in ancient Greece to settle disputes had those involved state the opposition’s case to the satisfaction of the opposition before they stated their own case. Whenever you set out to influence someone, there is great value in meeting them at their ‘map of the world’ before you start the process of leading them somewhere new. In NLP, this process is referred to as ‘pacing and leading’; making statements (for instance) about the current ‘reality’ for an individual or group before directing their attention somewhere else. For example… Every Friday at 7am, I go to a business networking group (BNI) where I get the opportunity to do a 60 second ‘commercial’ for services that I offer. I will often start my commercial with something like the following: "We’re here at BNI, it’s Friday morning, and it’s early, and you may be wondering what I’m going to tell you about today… because we’ve all come here for a reason, and the reason is to build our businesses, so I know you’re going to be interested in helping me build mine etc… " On the face of it, this is a fairly ordinary intro, with nothing particularly notable about this, but as you look more closely at the way the statements are structured, you may begin to notice that there is a mixture of things that are ‘true’ and things that are more ‘speculative’. ‘True’ – Pacing Statements We’re here it’s Friday morning it’s early we’ve all come here for a reason the reason is to build our businesses ‘Speculative’ – Leading Statements you may be wondering what I’m going to tell you about today I know you’re going to be interested in helping me build mine

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1) Practice making verifiably true statements about where you are right now (for instance, "I am sitting in my office, the sun is shining, it’s 2003, it’s Tuesday etc.) Continue until you have made at least 10 statements. We like a sense of the familiar, and as you sit here, making these statements aloud, you may start to feel pleasantly relaxed. If it’s difficult to make the statements aloud initially, write them down. 2) In a low-risk situation (eg. with a friend), practice making some pacing comments to another person, and notice what effect they have (people will often nod or say mmm-hmmm in response.) Creatures of habit What you are doing as you make the pacing statements is setting up a response pattern of ‘that’s true’ in the other person’s mind. Human beings are creatures of habit - we like what’s familiar. The human brain seeks pattern and, having established a pattern, likes it to continue. When the brain has said ‘that’s true’ three times, it’s likely to say it the fourth time. When pacing and leading is done elegantly, it is possible to move from saying mostly things which are ‘verifiably true’ to saying mostly things which are ‘made up’ without the listener(s) noticing the transition. The overall shape / structure is as follows: Pace – pace – pace - lead Pace – pace – lead – lead Pace – lead – lead – lead Lead – lead – lead – lead… (+an occasional pace for good measure) 3) Set yourself a goal for communication in a low-risk situation (eg. to persuade the other person to go for a coffee.) Use pacing and leading to seamlessly lead them to that goal. Pacing and leading often sounds ‘clunky’ at first, but as you practice it more and more, you’ll begin to find yourself doing it spontaneously, without even planning it consciously. 4) Begin to identify all the areas in your life where you can start using pacing & leading to persuade others more effectively, then use it!

This approach may seem basic, but I’ve used in hundreds of situations, including getting the attention and interest of a hostile audience, winning the trust of a skeptical client, and comforting a hurt child (and stopping them crying in under a minute.) As usual, this is a powerful technique – ensure you use it to help yourself and others. When you are acting in someone else’s best interests, it comes across. More advanced

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You can use this technique to turn around situations that seem to oppose you directly. I was once coaching someone in a large organisation who had been told to see me by his boss. He started out by saying "I’m normally skeptical of this sort of thing, but you come highly recommended." My gut feeling was that he was still highly skeptical, despite his protestation. I said "Well you should be skeptical about me." He looked puzzled and asked why. I said "Because until you’ve seen for yourself just how quickly I can help you get great results, you’ve got no reason to be anything other than skeptical." He relaxed immediately and we began. I met him at his map of the world, and threw in a double bind for good measure (in order for him to be skeptical of me, he would have to be skeptical about what I was telling him ("be skeptical"), so on some level he had to consider being skeptical of his own skepticism. I know this is a bit confusing – that’s part of why it works!) You can learn more about how to use double binds on NLP Mastery, my master practitioner programme. Summary Pacing and leading is a powerful way to influence others… 1) Practice making verifiably true statements about where you are right now (Eg. I am sitting in my office, the sun is shining, it’s 2003, it’s Tuesday etc) 2) In a low-risk situation (eg. with a friend), practice making some pacing comments to another person, and notice what effect they have (people will often nod or say mmm-hmmm in response.) 3) Set yourself a goal for communication in a low-risk situation (eg. to persuade the other person to go for a coffee.) Use pacing and leading to seamlessly lead them to that goal. 4) Begin to identify all the areas in your life where you can start using pacing & leading to persuade others more effectively.

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Tip 2 - How to Really Speak Their Language Every person has their own style of speaking, their own unique way of choosing the words and phrases that make up their verbal communications. When you can ‘speak their language’, it allows you to connect with them at a deeper level. While there are many factors which influence the words people use, one of the most significant relates to which of their five senses (sight, hearing, feeling, taste & smell) they are most aware of at any given time. One of the most simple, yet powerful discoveries in the domain of NLP is the realisation that the way that a person is thinking is revealed in the language they use. Come to your senses People think using internal representations of their five senses. In NLP, these five ‘internal senses’ are referred to as representational (rep-) systems. If a person is primarily thinking in pictures (visual), this will be reflected in their language. They will use words like picture, imagine, focus, perspective etc, and may employ phrases such as "picture this", "look at it from my point of view" or "let’s get this in proportion." A person thinking mainly in sounds (auditory) may say things like sound, hear, ring, buzz, etc and may use phrases like "sounds good to me", "I hear you" or "that rings true". Other words and phrases point to feelings (the NLP term for this is kinaesthetics) such as feel, handle, or smooth; smells (olfactory) such as rotten, sour, or stale; tastes (gustatory) such as bland, sweet or spicy. To review, the five rep-systems are visual, auditory, kinaesthetic, gustatory and olfactory (VAKOG.) Of these, V, A and K are the ones most often used. Examples of each include the following: Visual

Auditory

Kinaesthetic

Olfactory

Gustatory

• • • • • •

Look, see Imagine Visualise Focus Brilliant Bright

• • • • • •

Hear Sound Listen Ring Buzz Recall

• • • • • •

Feel Grasp Hold Push Drive Tough

• • • • • •

Smell Sweet Rotten Fishy Fragrance Funky

• • • • • •

Taste Bitter Sweet Sharp Salty Bland

•

Review

•

Harmonious

•

Grab

•

Scent

•

Tasty

1) Write a few paragraphs about a recent pleasant experience (Eg. a holiday, party, film, day out etc.) When you’ve finished, go through it underlining words and phrases that have a sensory element (you can do the same with this NLP tip.) While no-one uses only one sensory system in all their language, we often have a preference in a given context, and many people have a preference for one main system across many contexts. A deeper connection When you speak to someone using language from the same rep-system as them, it gives them a greater sense of being understood. When you speak in language

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from a different rep-system to them, it is as though, in a subtle way, you are speaking a different language. Once you can identify the language that someone is using (VAKOG), you can respond using the same sort of words. This is one way of building rapport. When you come across someone who you have difficulty connecting with, it may be that you are speaking from different rep-systems: A: We need to talk about this some more. B: Why? It all looks fine to me. A: Something about it doesn’t ring true. B: It’s as plain as the nose on your face – why can’t you see that!?! A: You’re not listening to me! We’re just not singing from the same hymn sheet… 2) Pay attention to the sensory words that people are using. Make notes of the sensory words you hear. There are many opportunities to track people’s sensory words, including watching TV, listening to the radio, chatting in restaurants or bars. My main training ground for this particular skill was sitting in previously dull meetings! It allowed me space to make notes next to people’s names and track their sensory words. I highly recommend this (and many other elements of NLP) as a way to transform formerly skull-numbing experiences into your own, personal neurological laboratory for finding out more about your fellow human beings. The great thing is that, as well as building your own skills and awareness, it also means that, when you do have something to say, it connects more powerfully with the person who you’re speaking to. As you start to listen more carefully, you will begin to notice people using sensory-based words in almost every conversation. As you become more comfortable hearing these words and phrases stand out, you will start to see opportunities to match the sensory systems used by others, for example: A: We need to have a closer look at this. B: What do you want to zoom in on first? OR A: I want to get a handle on how we can push this forward. B: It’ll be good to get it running smoothly etc… 3) In a low-risk situation, listen to the words that others use then match their sensory system by using words from the same system (VAKOG). The process can be more important that the content As you become more familiar with this process, some of the things people say will begin to leap out at you as opportunities to match their language preferences.

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You’ll notice yourself getting more clarity on the way people shift from one system to another, and start to get into harmony with other people more and more quickly. The rep-systems and sensory words that someone is favouring from moment to moment are part of the process of their communication, while the subject they are talking about provides the content. People tend to be very focused on the content, and largely unaware of process… BUT… acting at the process level can have a powerful unconscious effect, such as establishing a deep sense of rapport – often a much more powerful effect than acting at the level of content can. More advanced A quick yet powerful way to enrich someone’s experience is to pace them by matching their sensory words, then lead them to another rep-system. This can be particularly powerful if someone is in a ‘stuck’ state. By first observing which repsystem they are most focused on, and looking for ways to mirror that system, you can then begin to talk about things which allow them to listen in a new way by gently tuning them in to a new system. The effect of this can be profound – in some cases a person will even drop spontaneously into a trance, merely by getting in touch with a system that was previously out of awareness. Summary People use language based in their 5 senses. By matching their sensory words, you can establish a deep level of trust and rapport… 1) Write a few paragraphs about a recent pleasant experience (Eg. a holiday, party, film, day out etc.) When you’ve finished, go through it underlining words and phrases that have a sensory element (you can do the same with this NLP tip.) 2) Pay attention to the sensory words that people are using. Make notes of the sensory words you hear. 3) In a low-risk situation, listen to the words that others use then match their sensory system by using words from the same system (VAKOG). As usual, use this stuff responsibly – it’s powerful and so are you so be nice 

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Tip 3 - Learn To Use Your Most Powerful Tool I was having a chat with someone recently who had an incredibly deep & resonant voice. The things he was saying to me were all the more persuasive because his voice felt good to listen to. Now, I was coaching him, so it didn’t actually suit me to be persuaded by what he was saying at that moment. As soon as I realised what was happening (about 30 seconds in… I think!) I snapped out of it and started listening to him in a different way. But I was struck once again by just how powerful your voice is as a tool for persuasion. Your most powerful tool Your voice is probably your most powerful tool as a persuader. Your ability to speak with flexibility and control can have dramatic results. You can practice learning to control & vary your…

• • • • • • •

1.

Tone Pitch Rate Rhythm Volume Timbre and many other voice ‘analogues’

Choose a vocal quality (eg. rate of speech) and vary it. Go to the extremes (eg. see how fast you can talk, how slow you can talk etc.) Do this for each of the vocal qualities in the list above. As you start to listen more closely to other people, you will begin to recognise the differences in the ways they speak. Matching their voice characteristics can be powerful for building rapport, and is usually outside a person’s conscious awareness.

2. Once you have established that you can vary a particular vocal characteristic, practice using it the next time you are on the phone with someone to get rapport. Command tone down The pitch & tone of voice you use toward the end of a sentence determines at a deep unconscious level what ‘kind’ of sentence it is: •

Rising pitch  gets processed as a question. • Level pitch  gets processed as a statement. • Descending pitch  gets processed as a command.

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Which do you think is most useful to use when making suggestions to the people you wish to influence? 3. Practice saying a sentence (Eg. “Have you got any questions?”) with a rising pitch, then a level pitch, then a descending pitch. The descending pitch opens up the ‘command module’ in someone’s brain. People are more likely to do what you want them to do if the request is made with a descending pitch, because their brain will process it as a command. 4. Identify the things that you want others to do in persuasion situations, then check what pitch you’re using. Practice making those requests using ‘command tone’ then notice what a difference it makes. I was running a one-day session on NLP for a branding agency last year, and I told them about command tone. One of the participants was from Australia, and asked what effect the characteristic antipodean ‘question tone’ would have. I replied “It won’t have any effect at all?” with a rising voice tone, and she got the point. If you want people to follow your instructions, command tone down will make it more likely to happen. More advanced Practice using ‘command tone’ on every word within a sentence, so the overall effect is like a series of waterfalls. The impact on the listener is significant. Summary Your voice is one of your most powerful influence tools… 1.

Choose a vocal quality (eg. rate of speech) and vary it. Go to the extremes (eg. see how fast you can talk, how slow you can talk etc.) Do this for each of the vocal qualities in the list above (see main text when you’ve got a moment )

2.

Once you have established that you can vary a particular vocal characteristic, practice using it the next time you are on the phone with someone to get rapport.

3.

Practice saying a sentence (Eg. “Have you got any questions?”) with a rising pitch, then a level pitch, then a descending pitch. Descending pitch activates the ‘command module’ in the brain.

4.

Identify the things that you want others to do in persuasion situations, then check what pitch you’re using. Practice making those requests using ‘command tone’ then notice what a difference it makes.

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Tip 4 - Getting Rapport on The Phone I have a standing invitation to everyone who reads these NLP tips to ask me to write about what you want to learn more about. Nige Becford had the following question: "I was wondering if you could go into how you guys generate rapport over the telephone. I have spoken before with NLP trainers and considering they are trying to sell me training, I have felt more at ease talking to them than I do with people I have known for years. It is fantastic and I'm not sure how exactly how it happens." And the answer is… well, a bunch of things. First of all, I don’t know exactly what the people Nige has spoken to have been doing, but I do know that there are a number of things which will help you to get rapport, put people at ease and have more fluid, enjoyable telephone conversations. The first thing is to know what you want with regard to a particular conversation, so…

1. With regard to some upcoming phone conversation, what do you want? And how will you know when you’ve got it? Having a clear idea of what direction you want to go in will allow you to get good feedback about whether or not you’re on track. Obviously, the amount of time you spend figuring out what you want with regard to a call will depend on how important the call is to you.

2. Get in a good state. I’ve heard Richard Bandler say repeatedly "If you want to get someone into a good state, go there first yourself." If you want other people to feel relaxed & at ease, make sure you feel relaxed & at ease. (For more information on state, see NLP Tip 18 - Choose your state.)

3. Establish rapport Now, there are many ways to establish rapport. Some of the behavioural ways you can do this on the phone include the following: • • • • •

Talking at the same rate as the other person Modulating your voice tone so that it is similar to theirs Modulating voice pitch so it’s similar to theirs Using the same sensory words as them (see Tip 6 - How to really speak their language) Talking at the rate they’re breathing

Personally, I find it difficult to breathe at the same rate as someone else if they’re talking. I do, however, like talking at the same rate that someone is breathing. How do you know what rate they’re breathing at?

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a. Listen to them talk (if they’re talking, they’re breathing out.) b. Listen to them breathe Can you hear someone breathe over the phone? Sure, if you listen.

1. Make a mental image of the person Another trick of the trade is to make a mental image of the person you are speaking to. See the expressions on their face, notice how they respond to what you say. And whatever you do, start by pretending / believing that the call is going to have a positive result for you both.

2. Be curious about & interested in the other person Of all the points, this is one of the most powerful. Some of the most powerful messages you can give to someone are "I am interested in you", "I care about your wellbeing" and "You are important to me." And the quickest way to get these ideas across in your communication is to mean it. When you mean it, you come across congruently, and the communication can flow. Sometimes, people get so caught up in the technology of rapport (matching eyeblinks etc) that they don’t remember what it’s about: connecting with another human being. The behavioural elements of rapport are just a way to allow that connection to emerge more rapidly. Summary This week, we’re talking about ways to establish rapport over the phone.

1. With regard to some upcoming phone conversation, what do you 2. 3. 4. 5.

want? And how will you know when you’ve got it? Get in a good state Establish rapport Make a mental image of the person Be curious about & interested in the other person

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Tip 5 - How To Build Vocal Flexibility As I promised, we’re going to play with some exercises to build your vocal flexibility. A few weeks ago, I was meeting a potential client for the first time, & I noticed that he spoke more quickly than anyone I’d ever met. I smiled inside, because I knew one thing for sure: this person spends quite a lot of their time frustrated because they’re listening to people who talk way too slow. How did I know that? Because people tend to talk at the rate they think, & tend to want others to talk at that rate too. Almost no-one could talk at the rate he did, so I knew he would often feel others were talking too slow. So why was I smiling? Because I knew that I could give this person a much more enjoyable experience than they are used to having. I immediately set my voice speed to super-fast, & the session proceeded fantastically.

1)

Start talking at a rate that is comfortable for you. Start to speed up the rate, until you are talking very fast. Then speed it up until you’re speaking way too fast. Then speed it up further until you’re speaking so fast it’s coming out faster than you can think. Then gradually slow it all the way down until you’re speaking way too slow.

NB: As with any physical exercise, warm up to these slowly & have a rest if you feel any strain. Going to the extremes can help you develop the flexibility you will need to start matching people’s speed. Matching someone’s speaking speed is one very quick way to start establishing rapport. Tip for doing this: listen to them. You will find that before long you can pick up someone’s speed in the first few seconds of a conversation. 2)

Conduct similar exercises for the following vocal qualities: pitch (how high or low your voice is), tone, & volume. Once again, take it to the limits, then go beyond them.

At first, as with any new skill, you may find these exercises seem a bit unnatural. Most people are not familiar with talking outside their usual range. But you will start to see the benefits as you begin to develop more flexibility. On my trainings, I like to create an environment where you feel comfortable to go outside of your comfort zone, so allow yourself to have that experience with these exercises. 3)

Start to find opportunities to match other peoples’ vocal qualities. Once you’re in rapport, vary your speed & listen to them follow you!

Summary Exercises for building vocal flexibility: 1)

Start talking at a rate that is comfortable for you. Start to speed up the rate, until you are talking very fast. Then speed it up until you’re speaking way too fast. Then speed it up further until you’re speaking so

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fast it’s coming out faster than you can think. Then gradually slow it all the way down until you’re speaking way too slow. (NB: As with any physical exercise, warm up to these slowly & have a rest if you feel any strain.) 2)

Conduct similar exercises for the following vocal qualities: pitch (how high or low your voice is), tone, & volume. Once again, take it to the limits, then go beyond them.

3)

Start to find opportunities to match other peoples’ vocal qualities. Once you’re in rapport, vary your speed & listen to them follow you!

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Tip 6 - You Can Quote Me on This When I first started learning about NLP, I was really drawn by the idea of influential language. I’ve always loved words, & the idea that you can use words to influence a person’s unconscious processes was amazing to me. Once I started reading about NLP, it wasn’t long before I came across the idea of quotes (the pattern we’ll be looking at today), & said to myself “You’ve got to learn how to do this!” Now, with me, once I decide something, then it’s going to happen, so now I use quotes all the time.

Direct or indirect? When you want to communicate something to someone, you have a choice to make: you can communicate directly or indirectly. The advantage of direct communication is you can be explicit & clear, leaving the other person in no doubt of what it is you want. The disadvantage of direct communication is, the other person can resist. If I were to give someone the direct command “Come on one of my trainings” they probably wouldn’t comply - after all, no-one likes to be told what to do! If, on the other hand, I can find an indirect way to say “Come on one of my trainings”, then it will be harder to resist.

Indirect communication There are many patterns of indirect communication in NLP, & one of my favourites is quotes. The quotes pattern is very simple – just take the thing you’d like to say to someone & put it in quotes. I once heard Richard Bandler say “You can have lots of fun with quotes.” I didn’t realise then just how right he was!

1)

Think of something you’d like to say to someone, put it in quotes, then attribute it to someone else.

People have very little awareness of different levels in communication. If I start telling someone a story, then slip in some requests in quotes, they don’t tend to notice the requests at a conscious level. Their unconscious, on the other hand, processes everything. In effect, when you put a command in quotes, the command gets processed by the unconscious mind, but not by the conscious mind.

For example, I was once working with a group of sales people, & I wanted to demonstrate the power of the quotes pattern. I started telling them about another training I was running where I used quotes to give someone the message

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“Scratch your nose.” I explained that I didn’t just come right out & say “Scratch your nose”, because they wouldn’t have done it, just on principle. Instead, I told them a story about how someone just walked up to me in the street & said “Scratch your nose” for no good reason. Within moments, at least half the people in the room were scratching their noses. Have you scratched yours yet? •

2)

You can use quotes to do many things, including: • Giving people commands (I once heard Richard Bandler say “Learn to use quotes” & I always remembered it.) • Imparting wisdom (A financial genius once told me “The most powerful investment you can make is an investment in yourself – invest in training.”) • Saying the unsayable (A guy in the street just bumped into me & said “@%&£!” Can you believe it !?!) • & much much more Identify the situations where you would like to say certain things, then figure out how to use quotes to get your message across.

Use stories for camouflage In Frogs Into Princes (classic NLP book), Bandler & Grinder say “If you feed people interesting content, you can experiment with any pattern.” Now, one of the easiest ways to do this is to tell people stories. When people go into story mode, they stop tracking other levels. For example… I remember when I first taught people the quotes pattern in a training, I was amazed at ‘the story effect.’ I had just finished explaining & demonstrating the use of quotes, & I said “Now I’m going to tell you a story & demonstrate this pattern again.” I started to tell them a story, peppered with phrases like “Practice using quotes every day”, “Become fascinated with learning NLP” & “Find out how much fun you can have with this”. The astonishing thing was, as soon as I started telling them the story, they all went into story mode, & they accepted the quotes without even noticing – right after I’d told them what I was going to do! I was blown away, & said to myself “You can be totally blatant with it!” 3)

Look through this tip for statements in quotes. See how they can be processed on (at least) 2 different levels.

One of the things I love about quotes is that, in effect, they hide in plain sight. I sometimes have to bite my tongue to stop from laughing out loud when I’m using this pattern. Other times, I just laugh out loud (& people think I’m a bit odd ) John LaValle once told me “The world becomes a way funnier place when you learn NLP & start to really have fun.” To me, that makes good sense. Summary This week’s tip looks at the quotes pattern for indirect communication: 1)

Think of something you’d like to say to someone, put it in quotes, then attribute it to someone else.

2)

Identify the situations where you would like to say certain things, then figure out how to use quotes to get your message across.

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3) Look through this tip for statements in quotes. See how they can be processed on (at least) 2 different levels.

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Tip 7 - Influential, Innit? Just to remind you, when you want to communicate something to someone, you have a choice to make: you can communicate directly or indirectly. The advantage of indirect communication is that it’s easier for the other person to accept & harder to resist. I was on the tube in London the other day, & I happened to hear two girls having a conversation. Most of the sentences ended with the word “innit?” Now, I’ve heard many people lament the sad state of the way today’s youth use language, but I was impressed. You see, “innit” is an abbreviation of “isn’t it”, & putting “isn’t it” on the end of a sentence makes the sentence difficult to disagree with, doesn’t it. Tag questions “Isn’t it” is an example of a tag question, & using tag questions is a great way of making it easier for people to agree with you &, after all, you want people to agree with you, don’t you. This seems to have something to do with the fact that you introduce a negative into the situation, & negatives get processed differently neurologically than linguistically (“isn’t it” is an abbreviation of “is it not”, which is a particularly cool / weird sounding tag question, is it not?.) So… 1)

Make a list of six statements or suggestions you would like to make to someone (or a group of people) then find a way to add tag questions to them.

Tag questions include: isn’t it aren’t you don’t you

can’t you don’t they can’t he

doesn’t it can you not etc etc etc

My bet is that you can start to find ways to tack these onto the end of your existing statements, can’t you? In fact, one of the things that you’ll begin to notice is just how much fun you can have getting people to agree with even the flimsiest of arguments, just by putting tag questions on the end. This is because, once people start agreeing, they like to keep the pattern of agreement going, don’t they? You’ve probably noticed this already, haven’t you? 2)

Practice saying the statements, using a downward inflection of your voice on the tag question.

The downward inflection opens up the command module in people’s brains, & makes it even more difficult to disagree with (for more info on downward inflections, see Tip #11) You can imagine what happens when you start integrating this with your other skills (Eg. Rapport, Pacing & Leading etc.) 3)

Start throwing tag questions in at the end of statements you’re already making when in conversation with people.

One of the great things about tag questions is that they sound really normal with very little practice. There is a simple reason for this: you already use them, don’t you. Think about it. There have been lots of times when you’ve used these little suckers without even realising you were being extra influential, haven’t there?

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This means that you already have a high degree of competence in this particular skill. All I’m inviting you to do now is to start using them systematically in influence situations. That’s straightforward enough, isn’t it? Summary Use ‘tag questions’ (isn’t it, can’t you, don’t they etc) to make your communications easier to agree with… 1) Make a list of six statements or suggestions you would like to make to someone (or a group of people) then find a way to add tag questions to them. 2) Practice saying the statements, using a downward inflection of your voice on the tag question. 3) Start throwing tag questions in at the end of statements you’re already making when in conversation with people.

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Tip 8 - The Positive Thing About Negative Talk Last week we talked about tag questions, didn’t we, & one of the cool things about tag questions is the way they use negation…so this week, we’re going to look at negation in more depth. Negatives aren’t processed by the nervous system in the same way that they are linguistically (eg. The command “Don’t think of a purple hippo” is difficult to obey.) If you tell someone to not do something, they must on some level conceive of doing it in order to conceive of not doing it. At least. Some examples: -

Please stop smoking Don’t spill your drink Don’t muck about with that! Don’t tease your sister Don’t forget the laundry Etc etc etc

They always make the pictures Now, I’m not saying that if you tell someone not to walk on the grass, that they will then vividly imagine tap-dancing across your pristine lawn. What I am saying is that in order to even comprehend the words, they must be creating representations of the words somewhere in their neurology. They may not be conscious of these representations, but they are there nonetheless. Consider the following two sentences: a)

I opened my lunchbox & found that I’d forgotten my drink.

b)

I opened the drawer & discovered my spagneb was missing.

My guess is that you can read sentence ‘a’ without having to be conscious of making particular internal pictures, sounds etc. When you read sentence ‘b’, however I expect that something strange happened when you got to the bit about the ‘spagneb’. That’s because language processing happens really fast (something like 1/30th of a second for each word.) Just because you’re not necessarily conscious of the representations each word & phrase makes in your mind, doesn’t mean they aren’t being made (this is one of the keys to how hypnosis works, by the way.) Put things in the positive If you want to get someone to ‘not-do’ something, think about what you’d like them to do instead. Please stop smoking à Don’t spill your drink à Don’t muck about with that! à Don’t tease your sister Don’t forget the laundry

Please take care of your health Carry your drink carefully Play with this (ie. Something else) à Be kind to your sister à Remember the laundry

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See, on some level, “Don’t forget the laundry” gets processed as “Forget the laundry (don’t)”. “Remember the laundry” more straightforward to process. I recently did some work for a company that had put in place lots of security checks. The security guard told me what I had to do to get through the various controls & barriers. He then spent a few minutes telling me what not to do (Eg. “When you get to the first floor, don’t swipe your card over the magnetic pad…”) This was very important to him, so he reinforced it lots & lots. Pretty soon I found that I had enough information & went on my way. As soon as I got to the first floor, I tried three times to get in by swiping the magnetic pad, then realised what I was doing – he’d accidentally programmed me to do it! Or I just didn’t listen properly – you decideJ) 1)

Identify a few of the things that you tell people NOT to do, then figure out how to structure it as a positive (see examples above.)

This is particularly useful with children. Children are very responsive, & words can turn into actions very quickly (“Don’t play with your food”, anybody?) You can get some amazing results in your communications with kids purely by changing your instructions from “Don’t do that” to “Do this.” Another person this works very well for is yourself. We all talk to ourselves, & telling ourselves what not to do seems not to work very well (“Stop thinking about chocolate” anyone?) Strategic use of negatives There is of course a way to use negatives positively. For instance, I might say “Don’t put these learnings into practice too quickly” or “Don’t have too much fun playing with negation.” It all depends on what response you want to get. I sometimes even combine negation with ‘quotes’ (see Tip #30), for instance “I’m not going to tell you ‘This training is going to be one of the most amazing experiences of your entire life’, because you’re more interested in the specific benefits.” 2)

Identify a few of the things you’d like to get people to do, then structure them as a negative.

Now I wouldn’t recommend that you play with negatives in every single communication situation. And I’m not suggesting that you have so much fun with them that you smile wide (on the inside) as you notice the great responses you’re getting. I’m not even saying “Use negation to squeeze more enjoyment from every interaction you have with another person.” I’m merely advising that you start to enjoy the process of becoming effortlessly skilled with these…but not too fast! Summary Looking at ways to use negatives to communicate more positively. 1)

Identify a few of the things that you tell people NOT to do, then figure out how to structure it as a positive (see examples above.)

2)

Identify a few of the things you’d like to get people to do, then structure them as a negative.

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Tip 9 - The Ultimate Covert Communication Technique In 1998, I attended my first NLP Training, an experience that was to change my life. As we settled into our chairs, the trainer stood at the front of a room of 100 people & proceeded to captivate us for three days straight, using just himself & a flipchart! No overhead projectors, no PCs, no videos, no PowerPoint presentations, no bar-charts, not even any notes! Just him, us & a flipchart. Having sat in countless dull business presentations, the idea that training could be this good was a revelation to me. I thought “I’m going to do that” & started to pay close attention to what he was up to. As he talked to us in a relaxed & confident way, I happened to noticed one technique he used which seemed to draw everyone into what he was saying: he told stories. People have been telling stories for thousands of years, & for many different purposes. Before the development of the printing press, stories were one of the main ways for people to pass on important information to each other & to subsequent generations. Knowledge about everything from food sources to cosmology was communicated through stories. Some people even believe that the story ‘pattern’ is a core pattern of human neurology, & that some mythic tales are so powerful that they resonate with us at a deep level. (This is sometimes offered as an explanation for the success of the surprise-hit film Star Wars, which started life as a B-movie. Screenwriters book on courses in their droves to learn how to tap in to these deep myths & create hit films.) Whether I’m writing a newsletter, working with a group, coaching someone or closing a deal, stories are one of my most powerful resources. You can use stories to… -

Build rapport Invite people to relax & take off their armour Gather resources Elicit states Speak to the unconscious Illustrate a point Grab your audience’s attention Overturn objections Reframe a problem Induce trance in your audience Install strategies Do covert rehearsal Disassociate people Change beliefs Do covert changework And generally act as great camouflage for covert NLP fun & games

One of the cool things about people is that as soon as you start telling a story, they go into ‘story-mode’. When you’re in story-mode, you’re typically paying so much attention to the story that you don’t pay as much attention to the process. This is why I call stories ‘The Ultimate Covert Communication Technique’. The first time I really noticed this was when I was reading ‘Frogs Into Princes’ (classic NLP book). The authors said “If you feed people interesting content, you can experiment with any pattern” & I started to think about what patterns you might be able to experiment with. I didn’t think of myself as a great storyteller, but I realised that the first thing I would have to do was develop some interesting content. So I started reviewing the events of my life, scanning for ‘story’. When

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you do this, you start to realise that there are many events, circumstances & situations that can be structured & re-told as stories. Then, I started to practise telling them, & I watched the people I was telling them to so I could notice what response I was getting. 1)

Identify two or three stories or anecdotes taken from your personal experience.

It can help to choose something that has some kind of emotional impact, eg. funny, inspirational, ironic, exciting, suspenseful, wonderment etc. 2)

Practise telling the stories to other people, & pay attention to the momentto-moment responses you are getting.

If telling the stories ‘live’ is to big of a first step, start by writing them out. This will help you develop structure as well as to pick out details that bring the story alive (see NLP Tip #56 for more on bringing stories to life.) The influence expert Chris Tomasulo says that when you tell someone a story, they do a ‘me too’ - they unconsciously search through their own experience to find a personal reference for what you’re saying (this is one of the reasons why people often respond to a story by telling a similar one of their own.) This means that people will always respond in some way to the stories you tell them, while you tell them. 3)

Identify a situation where you’d like to influence someone in a certain direction. Think of a story or metaphor that could help you persuade them.

Business Essentials: One of the most powerful places to do this is in a selling situation. A prospective client told me they wanted to come on NLP Practitioner training, but that 20 days was too much time to spend on it. I told them about another of my clients who had had exactly the same concern, & had gone on a much shorter course. He was happy with the things he’d learned but still felt that there was something missing. While he could do a number of techniques, & had a great attitude, he really wanted to be able to demonstrate the high level of skill that he’d heard was possible. He also had changes he wanted to make in his life that he’d hoped would happen as a result of doing the training, but the hadn’t happened yet. So he decided to do a modular Practitioner training. Very soon, he started to see what a difference that extra time could make, & started to begin feeling confidence in his ability to really do NLP. He subsequently went on to build a business based around what he’d learned, & today is incredibly happy. When I told them this, they looked sceptical & said “How do you know he’s incredibly happy?” I said, “Because that client was me.” 4)

Start a collection of stories, & practise telling them.

Even if you should happen not to attend one of our NLP trainings, having a collection of stories to tell is a great resource. One of the things we do with practitioners is install the cognitive structures that enable you to generate stories for any situation. The results you can get using stories are nothing short of amazing, so start practising!

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Tip 10 - Embedded Commands for Covert Influence You may recall that it was recently the 60th anniversary of D-Day and, while much of the commemoration passed me by, I was intrigued by one particular story. It related to the French Resistance, the secret network of brave individuals who (among other things) made life difficult for the Nazis and helped British forces who had been stranded in France by smuggling them out of the country and safely home. As you can imagine, this was extremely dangerous work, and the network needed all the information they could get. Unfortunately, all radios were banned (people created home-made radios, but were shot if found with them), and the Nazis monitored all incoming radio messages rigorously. The solution to this problem was the BBC, who loaded particular radio broadcasts with secret messages, innocuous to the casual listener, but filled with vital information to those individuals who knew what to listen out for. These secret messages how the French Resistance were informed of the date and plans for the D-Day landings. I loved the idea of these seemingly innocuous messages carrying vital, hidden information, and it’s one of the things that I still find amazing about NLP. When Bandler and Grinder modelled Milton Erickson (world’s greatest hypnotherapist) they found that he embedded messages in ordinary speech that wasn’t ‘heard’ by the conscious mind, but was heard by the unconscious. In NLP, these messages are referred to as ‘embedded commands’, and they are one of the coolest techniques I’ve ever seen for communicating with someone’s unconscious mind. Erickson evolved his approach so he could deliver positive messages to his clients, messages they might resist if they were to hear them consciously. I’m sure you can think of many situations where, no matter how positive your intention, a person will resist your message if they are conscious of it. These are situations where you can learn to use embedded messages. Examples of Embedded Messages There are many examples of embedded commands, so let’s have a look at a few: Quotes – This is one of my favourites. When Bandler said “Learn to use quotes” he wasn’t joking, because when you’re quoting someone else, the person you’re speaking to tends to treat it almost as a story. Your unconscious, of course, will tend to process it as a direct instruction. For more about quotes, see NLP Tip #30. Negation – When you negate something, the person is less likely to resist. “Don’t focus only on the benefits of my product, because it’s important to take a balanced view.” If I wanted you to practice using this pattern, but I thought you might resist, I could say “Don’t practice this pattern too much.” In so doing, I’ve managed to deliver the ‘practice this pattern’ message, say I’m not telling you to do it, and presuppose that you will be practicing it to some extent. If you’re the resistant sort, you might even go “I’ll practice it as much as I want, and you can’t stop me!” What happens… - Another personal favourite. “What happens when you imagine becoming really good at this?” I’ve just asked you a question, but to answer it, you have to imagine becoming really good at this! Cool, eh? What happens when you imagine the benefits my training will give you? By the time you’ve finished the sentence, the process has already started. How Does This Work?

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There are a number of factors at play with this. If I say “Don’t think of a purple zebra”, you have to think of one just to understand what I’ve said to you. Your unconscious is responsible for translating each word into a set of representations which have meaning. So when I say “What happens when you imagine becoming highly skilled at this?”, your unconscious has typically done it by the time you’ve ‘understood’ the sentence. Add to this the fact that your unconscious processes statements directly (ie. Without regard to context), and that your unconscious can track all the little signals (body language, voice tone etc) and make connections between everything that’s going on and hey presto! You’ve got embedded commands. The conscious mind tends to get ‘hypnotised’ by content. This leaves you free to interact directly with the unconscious mind. *****************************************************

And Mark Out Hidden Messages So a person’s conscious mind tends to focus on the content of what someone is saying to you, but your unconscious is able to track all the other aspects of a person’s communication (voice tone, eyebrow movements, gestures, voice pace etc). This means that a person can learn to embed messages in a seemingly innocent statement. For example, when I’m working with a group of people, and we’re preparing to do an exercise, I might want to say to them “You can do this easily”. But I also know that if I say this directly, some people will disagree with it (either because they have a tendency to mismatch, or because they genuinely think it’s going to be difficult.) So instead, I might say “One of the ways that you can do this easily is to space out around the room and then begin.” When I get to the you can do this easily bit, I might drop my voice tone slightly, or gesture to the group. This extra piece of behaviour (which your unconscious will notice but your conscious mind will tend to miss) is referred to as ‘analogue marking’. You can learn to mark out words and phrases using various behaviours: altered voice tone, voice speed, raised eyebrows, a gesture, head tilt etc. In the UK, people are fairly well attuned to voice tone, because it has historical importance in determining a person’s social class. In the USA, however, people tend to be much less ‘tuned in’ to voice tone, so to those of you in the USA, you can be even more blatant than everyone else! Hooray! Here’s an exercise: 1)

In a meeting or conversation where you have rapport with the other person/people, find a way to work the words ‘scratch’ and ‘knows’ into the sentence.

For instance, “If we start from scratch here, nobody knows exactly how this is going to turn out at this point.” When you say the words scratch and knows, mark them out in some way (eg. By raising your eyebrows, lowering your voice slightly, or moving your hand). If the person (or one of the people) you are talking to scratches their nose within the next 30-60 seconds, congratulate yourself. You have just embedded a command (scratch = scratch and knows = nose). Sneaky huh!?! You may not think that’s very useful, but if you can influence an overt behaviour like nose-scratching by artfully using language, what else can you do. 2)

Think of a situation where you’d like to give certain commands or suggestions to someone, but where those suggestions might be resisted. Then, identify the specific things you’d like to be able to say. Then, create some sentences that include those suggestions as embedded commands.

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Command: Clean your room Sentence: Remember how clean your room looked last Christmas? Command: Hire my company Sentence: It’s amazing that the higher my company goes, the more nice people we meet. Command: Relax deeply Sentence: People can relax deeply as you go into a trance. And the time-worn classic… Command: Buy now Sentence: By now, you may be wondering what the next steps are. As you will have gathered from the ambiguities in some of these sentences, your unconscious processes every possible meaning of a word. This is another clue to how these commands can be so effective. In fact, your unconscious is another personal favourite, borrowed from Milton E. 3)

Go back through this tip looking at all the words in italics or underlined. Just another way of marking things out 

If you’d like to become highly skilled at using embedded commands, as well as a whole host of other techniques and approaches for covert influence and persuasion, we are running our Ethical Influence training from 25-27 August. This is the last time we will run this as a public training, as we’re migrating it over to corporate, so if you want to learn the most powerful influence techniques going at an extremely competitive price, now would be a good time to book your place. Follow the link for more information - Ethical Influence with NLP Business Essentials I’ve used embedded commands in business contexts extensively, with sales, training, teambuilding, coaching and culture change. It can be an extremely effective technique for delivering messages in a way that allows people to make changes without having to confront resistance.

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“When You Really Begin To Master The Ultimate Hypnotic Pattern… The Magic Starts To Happen” The Secrets of Hypnosis DVD Set Finally, after days in the editing room, we’re proud to announce our new Secrets of Hypnosis DVD set. This full video record of this exciting & valuable training was filmed with 3 cameras, & includes numerous live inductions & split screen demos. You may already be aware of just how powerful hypnosis is for helping you get the results you want in every area of your life. In fact, one of the things you're going to love about these recordings is just how practical & easy it is for you to learn to hypnosis & hypnotic communication skills in everyday contexts, you’re going to discover: • • • • • • •

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At Salad, we are committed to your learning and development, so we want you to have great stuff. Part of our strategy involves giving our best stuff away, so here are some links to some of our best stuff. You can have all this for free! Jamie Smart’s NLP Tips An e-zine chock full of great NLP related tips you can put into practice right away, as well as links to Salad courses & products, as well as a free e-book worth £19.95, ‘10 of the Coolest, Most Powerful & Useful NLP Techniques I’ve Ever Learned.’ Sign up for yours free now at http://www.saladltd.co.uk/1.htm NLP Coaching Tips Learn secrets that most people (including most NLP Practitioners!) don’t know about NLP coaching. These tips (soon to be published) will give you details every week of practical techniques, ideas and approaches you can use to get great coaching results. In addition, you’ll get a free e-book worth £19.95, ‘The Top 10 Secrets of NLP Coaching Language’. Sign up for yours free now at http://www.saladltd.co.uk/2.htm Irresistible Influence Language Course Sign up for this FREE 1 year Irresistible Influence Course (a £29.95 value) for a weekly dose of influence language, as well as a free e-book worth £19.95, ‘The Top 10 Secrets of Ethically Outrageous Influence.’ Sign up for yours free now at http://www.saladltd.co.uk/3.htm Unconditional Happiness Tips Every week, you’ll receive a quick reminder of the principles that will help you to experience more happiness, joy and freedom in every area of your life, as well as more of the things and experiences you desire. In addition, you’ll get a free e-book worth £19.95, ‘The Top 10 Secrets of Unconditional Happiness’. Sign up for yours free now at http://www.saladltd.co.uk/4.htm Hypnotic Language Course Sign up for this FREE 1 year Hypnotic Language Course (a £29.95 value) for a weekly dose of hypnotic language, as well as a free e-book worth £19.95, ‘The Top 10 Secrets of Conversational Hypnosis’. Sign up for yours free now at http://www.saladltd.co.uk/5.htm

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About the Author Jamie Smart is the Managing Director of Salad Seminars Ltd, as well as the principal trainer. He spent much of the nineties leading large, mission-critical business projects and change programmes. In the process, he found that individual change is the key to collective change, and became fascinated with helping people achieve the results they want. This fascination led him to NLP, and he has spent from 1996 to the present day learning from the finest teachers and materials, and applying what he’s learned. Jamie is an NLP Master Practitioner and is licensed by Richard Bandler and the Society of NLP as a Trainer of Neuro-linguistic Programming (NLP). Jamie is author of The NLP Tip, an e-zine which goes to thousands of people around the world each week (available from www.saladltd.co.uk), as well as the creator of Ericksonian Hypnosis CardsTM and many other products. He lives in Leicestershire (UK). When he isn’t helping other people get what they want, he likes going for long walks in the woods, listening to music and reading.

Acknowledgements I’ve been fortunate to learn from a number of great NLP Trainers and other innovative thinkers and teachers. Thanks to anyone whose efforts have made their way into this work. Specific thanks to… • • • • • • • • •

Richard Bandler John Grinder Joseph Riggio Eric Robbie Jo Cooper Peter Seal Timothy Leary Marianne Williamson Michael Breen • Sháá Wasmund

• • • • • • • • •

Robert Dilts Sid Jacobson Jonathan Altfeld Robert Anton Wilson Ian Watson Michael Neill John La Valle Paul McKenna Christina Hall

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